#i know i'm gonna suffer and that i may be alone my whole life | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

charmikarma · 4 months

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hallo it's me. (crookedgrifter) I'm back and I want your davejade / davejadekat thoughts. gimme

my thoughts huh ... i sure am a rambler so you're gonna get a whole essay on this

i guess in thinking abt davejadekat it always starts with jade. which is well enough because davekat has been talked to death at this point, hasn't it? i don't think i could tell you anything new or interesting about that dynamic at this point.

ANYWAY. jade. i kind of get into this in my polar express fic which ik you've read, but she is SO lonely. what the fuck are you supposed to do for ~10 years alone on an island with just a dog?? a dog who could take you somewhere else, somewhere with people, but he won't. and maybe jade knows why because of her dreams on prospit, but also maybe not! either way i think she puts a lot of faith in her dreams. it's kind of the only hope she has for the future.

i think she also has some hope in dave, this really cool dude she has this awkward internet middle school crush on. and dave is super cool to her too! i think it's implied he furry roleplays with her even?? cutest shit ever. i think this is the thing that has made me always love davejade ... they are just. so sweet to each other. dave clearly cares SO much about her.

the other thing about jade is... she's kinda fucked over repeatedly by the narrative, isn't she? she's the last beta kid introduced, so she has a lot less time to develop. the closest she really gets to developing is being really pissed off at karkat after her dreamself dies (i'll talk about this in a sec). her arc basically ends at cascade. her character arc ends in the dead middle of the comic, in a flash animation that contains exactly 0 character development. hussie says so himself in the author's notes. (don't even get me started on the author's notes jesus christ.) everything that happens on the boat is pretty much irrelevant, because it gets retconned out. instead she spends 3 years completely fucking alone, and we like... barely unpack this in canon.

so her life story up until this point is basically: raised by grandpa till ~3-5ish > living on her own till 13 > meeting dave briefly in the game > DAVE FUCKING DIES IN FRONT OF HER, WITH HER OWN BULLETS > she meets john briefly > JOHN AND DAVESPRITE FUCKING DIE > she spends 3 years alone with no solace except "yeah they had to die but you'll see them again in the new session" from alt!calliope and i guess a bunch of sprites and consorts and chess dudes. she says it herself: as nice as it is to have these folks around, they're not able to relate to her. they're not fellow thirteen year old kids. she may not be technically alone, but she is essentially alone, and she just 1. died twice in one day and 2. witnessed the deaths of several of her friends.

more on being fucked over by the narrative - jade actually has a kind of interesting dynamic with karkat in the middle of a5a2! what happens with this dynamic later on? fucking nothing!!!! like seriously i am so interested in this whole. self-hatred parallel that gets drawn between them and then how jade puts her foot down and is like you are fucking nuts. no more yelling at yourself. and it goes nowhere!! this dynamic exists for like, maybe 1% of the comic. it's really fucking sad honestly. even at the very end of homestuck, she has to be sidelined for being too powerful, thereby excluding her from all the endgame convos. like we cannot win with her

ok anyway, here's where i get into the stuff i think is really interesting. at the end of homestuck, alt!calliope tells jade that she's suffered enough, and that it's time for her to live her life how she wants to. we don't see how this plays out in homestuck proper, BUT...... the epilogues. sighs heavily.

i may be an epilogues lover but even i have to admit that jade's portrayal is.... a mess. i don't think it's wildly out of character, exactly, but it definitely toes the line... and it's definitely extremely fucking uncomfortable. it does, however, give me some insight into how i think about jade now, because while the minutiae don't really feel in character, i do think the broad strokes of what they were going for make sense.

jade took alt!calliope's words and said, fuck it. i will take charge! i won't wait anymore! i am going to have what i want. and she does get a lot of that! she gets to hang out with her friends, hang out with her brother, meet a ton of people, have a bunch of sex (presumably when she's older), and so on. but see... doing a lot of things doesn't really fill the emptiness she feels. she has so much love to give and not enough outlet for it. she needs all the love in the world and has nobody to give it to her. and she still has this big fat ten-year-old crush on dave strider that never went anywhere. but the approach she takes to life now is just... so incompatible with what dave needs. same for karkat. they both need a LOT of patience to come out of their shells, and jade is living life in the fast lane. the more she pushes, the more withdrawn they become. it is a disaster.

i want to fix it so fucking bad.

jade needs a lot of character development for all this to work, but the dynamic is absolutely there. some of their convos in early meat are so fucking funny dude, they are such good friends. it is absolutely not for lack of caring on either dave or karkat's part that things don't work out in the epilogues. it's this disconnect between what jade thinks is helpful and what dave and karkat need. i really want jade to find the balance between living at breakneck speed and waiting ten years for something to happen. i want her to feel loved for once in her damn life. and i want dave and karkat to stop being such depressing shut-ins. please guys you could balance each other out if you would just figure out how to communicate

anyway. there's your essay. it's mostly about jade. hope that's ok. i love jade harley so much my ultimate goal is to see her happy and mark my words i will figure out how

#homestuck #homestuck meta #jade harley #davejade #davejadekat #I GUESS??#this is basically me rambling about jade for 3 hours let's be real here #ask #mine #jadepost

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aleksanderscult · 7 months

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Favorite Darkling quotes

I'm gonna write my favorite Darkling quotes 'cause a) I'm bored b) I love him and miss him so much.

Anyways I'm not gonna rate them cause every one of them is fucking iconic (as he is).

Let's get into this!

"Blue sky. Once more. Speak my name once more... Don't let me be alone."

These might be my most favorite quotes of his. His last words. 'Cause with his last breath he showed that he was only human after all. Cruel and damaged, yes. But still human.

There is no safe place. There is no haven. Not for us. There will be, he promised in the darkness, new words written upon his heart. I will make one.

I ADORE these lines. Less than 24 hours ago two Grisha tried to kill him (one of them a supposed friend) and what did he tried to do after that? Create a safe space for his kind in order for them not to go through what they went through. If he's the villain for this then I wish we had this kind of villain in our world.

‌"All men can be made fools."

OKAY OKAY LISTEN. I love this line for two reasons. Firstly, cause it's true. Every person can be made a fool. BUT! Secondly and most importantly, he hints to Mal and Alina (Alina actually cause Mal didn't know he was there) that he was made a fool too because of Alina. He fell in love with her and felt hope for the first time after centuries that this new person would be like him, live with him and spend eternities together. He would no longer be alone. And she seemed that she wanted him too as far as he could tell. And then what happened? She run off, found Mal and turned her back on him and their country. That mostly disappointed him, I think. In a large degree. And he must have thought what a fool he was to trust her and fall for her. Hence that amazing line.

Let me make a mark on this world before I leave it.

And boy did he not make it? Years after his death in R&R and people still talk about him. He made a mark not only on the world but on people too (no pun intended for Genya I swear. I love her😭). He made a huge impact and even antis have to admit that. Actually more than the actual protagonist but anyways *coughthe fact that the villain made bigger impact than the heroes in the storycough*

"Fight me as long as you're able. You will find I have far more practice with eternity."

You fucking iconic legend with your fucking iconic lines. And yes, I believe him. No matter how many decades Alina would fight him, he would be unmovable.

‌"It’s harder when you like them. You mourn them more."

That line is so true. The more you care, the more you get hurt. I'm sorry but a quality that people often overlook about the Darkling is his wisdom. I would sit and listen for hours to him talking about life, love, death and people. After so many centuries he's so knowledgeable.

Also, this line makes me wonder how many people he had loved, lost and mourned. Because obviously he talks from experience. *Sigh* I would die to read a book about his whole life before Alina.

He only wished that it wasn't winter. He wanted to turn his face to the sun and feel it warm him. He'd been a long time in the dark.

Yeah he's cruel and manipulative and the villain and blah, blah, blah. But again this line proves his humanity. He loves the sun (how much are you willing to bet people that his favourite season is Summer😏), he loves the sunlight, its warmth and light (another clue that Alina is his soulmate dc what anyone says). Our baby was resurrected and first things first he wanted his wife beside him and the sun to hit his face (priorities people🥹😍).

"Then I'd be alone too."

(*whispering*don't cry, don't cry, don't cry)

So. Heh. I may have a soft spot for fictional characters that suffer from loneliness. Probably because I have suffered from it too most of my life (🫠). I'm sorry but you can hate him all you want alright? No one can stop you. But people that don't feel an ounce of sympathy or pity for him and what he has gone through are just useless to talk to. Most of all he wants someone to make him company to this endless sea of eternity.

Deep blue like the True Sea. Red like the roofs of the Shu temples. The pure, buttery color of sunlight—not really yellow or gold, what would you call it? All the colors you couldn't see in the dark.

(fuck. lost control of my tears after all)

Baby shadow summoner can control the dark and its blackness and yet he loves all colors that are bright. But most of all the sunlight.

(DARKLINA STANS RISE)

Also, he made the Grisha keftas blue, red and purple because he loved these colors the most, change my mind *sip tea*

‌"Fine. Make me your villain."

Ah, yes. The cult classic one. Honestly, this line makes me feel bad for him. Cause he has tried the peaceful solution so many times (not with just Alina but generally). At this point he's like: "Fuck it. If I have to become a monster then so be it." They leave him no choice and furthermore he's obviously grown tired of trying diplomacy.

"I’ll be certain you hear it when I make her scream."

I froze the first time I read this line but now I laugh every time I do. Here he shows how petty he can be and how much shame he doesn't have (in your face Mal😚).

‌"My Alina. You cannot run from me."

OKAY LISTEN

I know it sounds creepy but "my Alina" and "I'll always find you" MY DARKLINA HEART GUYS

‌"I know what you thought, what you always thought of me. It's so much easier that way, isn't it?"

My strategic baby. But this line is also sad. Cause he knows how Alina views him and, even if he hides it well, deep down I bet it hurts him.

‌"You two have a bad habit of acting like fools and calling it heroic."

Isn't that the truth tho? Our boy spitting facts once again. Also this line can be applied to other characters from different fandoms as well.

‌"I seem to be a victim of my own wishes where you are concerned."

TRANSLATION: I TEND TO FORGET ABOUT THE WORLD-DOMINATION PLAN CAUSE I WANT TO BE WITH YOU, LIVE WITH YOU, LOVE YOU, MARRY YOU, HAVE 7 KIDS WITH YOU AND DRINK SOME TEA ON THE PORCH TOGETHER WHILE THE SUNLIGHT HITS US

TRANSLATION NO2: I GOT MY ASS KICKED CAUSE I WAS TOO BUSY THINKING THAT I WAS KISSING YOU AND WOULD FINALLY HAVE THAT WEDDING THAT I WAS PLANNING BABE

Is this line a kind of love confession or what? 🥺🙃

‌"We all have our secrets."

Mostly I love this line cause it just sounds cool. But after I read the book for a second time I realized that it could tie with the "Demon in the Woods" book. It's a nice little nod. If you get it, you get it😉.

‌Why did you go to her? Because with her he was human again.

A nice (though bittersweet) little way to end this post. 🥹

With Alina he felt human again. That part that was buried deep beneath him and rarely if not ever got out. Do you remember how she made him laugh with her honest remarks on "Shadow and Bone"? How his eyes closed and his breath stopped when she reached to stroke his cheek on R&R? How he broadly smiled when she laughed about how common his name was? That was Aleksander Morozova (especially that last part). The boy that grew up forcefully and was thrown to a cruel world too soon, too violently. They were these 400+ years that made him cruel. It was eternity that broke him. Loneliness and pain that made him withdraw. Until Alina came. And she could bring to the surface that buried, broken boy. And it felt good to him (although inconvenient too). She made him feel vulnerable. And when he was resurrected he seeked her out to feel that way again. Human.

*sigh*

Thanks for coming to my ted talk guys. 😔✌️

Feel free to write in the comments your own favorite quotes of him 😊❤️

#my boy wanted love and company #somebody please hug him #but also he's so fucking iconic #slay #r&r #shadow and bone #ruin and rising #siege and storm #grishaverse #quotes #favourite quotes #the darkling #pro darkling #aleksander morozova #pro aleksander morozova #alina starkov #darklina #pro darklina

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artdivadej · 4 months

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Survivor's Remorse (XVII)

Part one

Part 11+

Peeta

"Peeta look, I need you to understand something about your gal...and you need to keep an open mind", Haymitch sighed scratching the back of his head awkwardly.

"There's not much that would surprise me at this point"

"He says that now", Johanna snorts with a wicked grin.

"Shut it Johanna", Haymitch hisses, before turning back to Peeta "Good to know. But ummm. Shit", Haymitch fumbled.

"Haymitch is it some big secret or something I'm not supposed to know about?" Peeta asked looking back and forth between him and Johanna, knowing you regarded her as a sister and told her everything. "Is it why she's been avoiding me?"

"It's not that. It's just really personal and I thought...what with you two actually getting on the way you were, it wouldn't be a problem. I didn't think she'd be going through this anymore"

"Is it an episode? Is she alright?", Peeta asked quickly, his voice cracking with fear.

"Not...exactly? It's an episode of sorts. Do you remember her explaining about the splicing that Snow did to her?"

"Yeah. How are they related?"

"The way she asked you to bite her ass before, aint gonna be nothing compared to what she does to you this week", Johanna snickers.

"She can't help that this happens to her, ok boy?", Haymitch growled before pushing on, bringing his flask to his lips.

"Haymitch what's happening to her!", Peeta began to panic in his desperation, his voice rising.

"About twice a year, the feline DNA takes over. She goes through what Beetee calls 'heat'. Before, she'd have to sit in the house for a few weeks to just sweat it out and suffer through it alone. But now...since she's got you back", Haymitch begins, his lips twisting with distaste and discomfort.

"Hey I helped! I sent plenty of toys"

"Heat?", Peeta's brow raises with confusion, not quite understanding the meaning behind the simple word, or why you'd need toys from Johanna.

"Sex boy! Her body forces her into a concupiscent state where she has to copulate. Because she couldn't do it before, she just had to suffer through it. Try and get it out herself. But it's practically a breeding instinct that she can't control"

Peeta felt the blush start from his collar, before it flared up to his hairline. Oh. Johanna's wicked grin only deepened as she watched him realize what he'd be dealing with for the next couple of weeks.

"Now you're getting it boy", Haymitch sighed with exasperation as he took another swig.

"Is it bad?"

"She produces a pheromone that drives her and us wild. People can smell it within a 500-yard radius. It's why her home was sheltered off at the far end of the Victors Village. Its disorienting and raises the testosterone levels of anyone who gets a whiff. Even I can't get near her without affects and I don't find a damn thing about her womanly", he spat with revulsion.

"Hell, I do. I don't mind it. It's gonna make my sex life even hotter!", Johanna smirked.

"Which means?"

"You'll be out of the public eye for the next week or so. It may go faster since she has what she really wants. We'll all keep you both supplied with food and water, but I doubt sweetheart'll let you out that room until it's gone down some. Like I said before, she can't help it. You're all she's ever wanted and I'm sure the heat will only amplify that when she gets a whiff of you. I'm taking a room on the other side of the manor so I can't hear a damn thing I know will be coming out that room. You two are the worst at keeping quiet. And keep that damn window closed! Or else the whole of the damn Justice Hall will be able to smell you two!"

"I'm staying in the same hall. I plan on using you two to make this week pure debauchery with Onyx and Gale. They'll both be showering me in every slutty fantasy I've ever dreamed of. He and they are going to put their names all over this hot bod", Johanna grinned wickedly. "We thank you for your service"

Peeta felt like he would combust if they said another word but, he had one more question.

"Is there a way to stop it? Or at least dull the sense so she can function? I don't like the idea of her suffering"

"You'll be doing your part to stop that all week. In the meantime, here", Haymitch grumbled shoving a familiar thick red notebook into Peeta's hands. He'd seen you with this when you scurried away from him two days ago. "Aurelius wants you to write. As much as you can, when you can. Whether you're clear headed or not. About everything you feel, see and think. The same goes for her. Snow had her file destroyed so she'd have to find all the answers to the splicing that he did by herself. Beetee and Prim have been working hard these past few years to help figure it out. A lot that we've learned has been because of her impulses and responses to things, but this could really help answer a lot of those questions"

"I will"

"Get going. She's been suffering for two days already. Come get me when she's better", He grumbled turning on heel and stomping down the hall. "Say bye bye to that back boy!", he snarked before disappearing around the corner.

"Yeah she's definitely gonna shred your shit", Johanna giggled pushing Peeta towards the hall. "I filed and styled her nails 3 days ago so you shouldn't be too bad. You're welcome loverboy. Now get going. Nothing worse than needing to cum and you can't get your rocks off"

Peeta groaned but made his way towards the bedroom. The idea of being locked away with you for weeks on end, just drowning in your passion wasn't the problem. Everyone in the building knowing about it was. It felt like such an invasion of a world the two of you had always held so private and sacred. Peeta was glad the staff was minimal right now.

Excerpt from Survivor's Remorse ch 17. Heated

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Maddink0318

#i love peeta #peeta smut #peeta mellark #peeta mellark smut #peeta mellark x reader #peeta my beloved #peeta x reader #thg peeta #the hunger games peeta #team peeta #survivors remorse #hunger games fanfiction #hunger games fanfic

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aspoonofsugar · 8 months

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This is me trying to avoid the slaughterhouse for what I'm about to suggest (there's a good chance I'll get cooked alive anyway).

I'm not sure where you stand with Penny and Ruby's relationship, but I wanted to get your opinion on my interpretation (sorry to put you on the spot).

I interpreted Penny as the little sister Ruby never had. I think that CRWBY wanted to put Ruby in Yang's shoes during the Atlas Arc, since that was the main internal conflict within team RWBY.

Yang spent her childhood trying to protect and raise Ruby. She tried so hard to be the best big sister she could be so Ruby wouldn't ever have to suffer the same pain she felt... the pain she felt twice, with Summer disappearing and learning that Raven abandoned her. She gave up everything for her.

I saw Ruby as stepping into that role for Penny. There was that parallel, about friends. Ruby asking if Penny made any other friends, compared to when Yang asked Ruby to make some friends at Beacon.

Ruby always trying to comfort and protect Penny, even at the cost of her own safety (yes, any friend would do this, too).

I don't know, that's just how I saw it. The Atlas Arc very much was about changing perspectives, with them also being put into Oz's shoes after he left, needing to make the hard choices, prioritizing what to tell and what not to tell.

I thought since Yang and Ruby's rift was most prominent during that arc, that she was also being put into Yang's shoes with Penny. Just like Yang was put into Ruby's shoes and taking charge of her own team.

(That being said, I do see the appeal of a romantic relationship, but I was much more interested in the Potential of it, the symbolism and parallels, rather than it actually being canon.

Another statement that might get me slaughtered is that I wouldn't have liked if it became canon while Penny was alive because it felt like Penny contributed to the weight on Ruby's shoulders. She was extremely codependent on others (TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE and just like Ruby was with Yang at the start at Beacon) and if I was to like the ship in canon, then Penny would have had to stay alive and go to Vacuo while RWBY fell (guess Jaune wouldn't have a reason to fall anymore), and learn how to be independent.

Even then, I'd feel horrible for Penny because she hated being the Winter Maiden, and if she survived, she would no longer just be protecting Mantle and Atlas, she'd be protecting the entire world. Though... she wouldn't be doing it alone anymore. She'd have the rest of the world to back her up.

I dunno, sorry for the ramble, and sorry if you are offended (I get it, homophobes like to use the "they're just sisters argument with a lot of wlw ships, but I promise there's no malicious intent behind my interpretation. Plus, I just recently discovered and am exploring my own sapphic identity).

But yeah. I hope they don't come for me for this. I decided I'd rather talk with someone about it rather than post it as a statement. It feels like it'll come off differently as a civil conversation.

(it's greentea)

Hi!

Don't worry, it is fine for me to discuss anything, as long as people are polite!

So, this is a very interesting take and I agree on many things, while I interpret others differently. If you are interested, you find my 2 cents below.

PREMISE

So, let's make it clear where I stand on ships. I am not a multi-shipper, so I am really not that passionate about ships unless they are canon or I think they are becoming canon by the end (obviously I may always be wrong in this second case). When it comes to Ruby, I think Rosegarden is gonna be endgame, so I am mostly focused on this ship.

That said, I think that so far Ruby has shown no romantic interest in anybody:

Ozpin: Not enjoying yourself? Ruby: Oh, no, everything's fine! I'm just not much of a fancy pantsy… dancey girl. Ozpin: Well, you can't spend your whole life on the battlefield, even if you may want to. Ruby: Yeah, that lesson's been floating around a lot lately. Ozpin: If you think about it, fighting and dancing aren't so different. Two partners interlocked, although one wrong move on the ballroom merely leads to a swollen foot. Ruby: Or a twisted ankle.

In Atlas, she is uninterested in Renora's romantic conflict. In volume 9, she is the only one who doesn't get Weiss's crush on the Rusted Knight and Bumbleby's developing attraction. Basically, Ruby's focus is really not on romance and that is (imo) for 2 reasons:

She is focused on the mission and the macrochosm, rather than on her personal life

She is in a different development stage when compared to the others. In short, she is younger

Obviously, younger people fall in love too (I mean, puppy love is a thing) and everyone develops romantic feelings (if they even do) at different ages. However, RWBY is a story which makes use of metaphors and archetypes to describe the characters' inner journeys. This happens with Ruby, as well.

In particular, volume 9 has Ruby going from childhood:

To adolescence:

Little becomes Somewhat. Ruby becomes Someone. Neither Somewhat nor Ruby have figured themselves out. Still, they have grown and stepped into a new phase of their lives.

Well, I think that after this inner transformation Ruby will be more open to romantic relationships. In short, I think the Vacuo arc will focus on Ruby and Oscar's bond, which will grow to be romantic on both sides.

So, where does it leave Penny? I think Ruby and Penny's dynamic can be read in 2 ways:

A platonic friendship (my preference)

A bond, which could have developed into a romantic relationship with time once both Penny and Ruby grow

Ironically, I think the platonic interpretation is deeper and is better to explore Ruby and Penny's dynamic in canon. That said, there is nothing wrong about headcanoning a romantic attraction in a what if scenario.

In any case, it doesn't really matter because Penny is dead and personally I don't think she is coming back. Of course, there are people who feel differently and that is alright. I simply want to make clear the frame I am using.

That said, I don't think it is coincidental that so many people ship Penny and Ruby together. As a matter of fact Penny and Ruby's bond is very important and will be important for Ruby and Oscar's story, as well. After all, Penny and Oscar have been set up as foils since the very beginning:

Ruby: But at this pace, you'll be combat ready in no time! Suddenly, Ruby frowns upon mentioning her last phrase. Oscar notices this and tries to ask a question before Ruby interrupts him. Oscar: Uh…

In the dojo scene, Ruby unconsciously compares Oscar and Penny. This is also the first time Ruby indirectly brings up her friend before meeting her again in Atlas. In short, Oscar and Penny are linked when it comes to their arcs and what they mean to Ruby. So, Ruby's feelings over Penny's death are gonna be important for her dynamic with Oscar (and many other things, of course). Let's now focus on what Penny represents for Ruby.

PENNY AS RUBY'S INNER CHILD

I interpreted Penny as the little sister Ruby never had. I think that CRWBY wanted to put Ruby in Yang's shoes during the Atlas Arc, since that was the main internal conflict within team RWBY.

I like this take. I think it is interesting how you parallel Ruby and Yang's journeys in Atlas. Ruby becoming a big sister to Penny and Yang acting as a leader of her own faction.

That said, I think Penny's role in Ruby's arc is wider and it doesn't start in Atlas. Since the beginning, Penny represents Ruby's inner child:

A person's supposed original or true self and the part of the personality that still reacts and feels like a child.

Penny arrives at Beacon and is immediately presented as a Ruby up to eleven:

Penny: Sen-sational! We can paint our nails, and try on clothes, and talk about cute boys! Ruby: Oh, is this what it was like when you met me?

Just like Ruby, her initial objective is to make friends. Just like Ruby, she is sweet, innocent, hopeful and can wield lethal weapons:

Ruby grows close to Penny because of these similarities. At the same time, Ruby is immediately not only supportive of Penny:

Ruby: You're not like those things we saw back there. You've got a heart, and a soul; I can feel it!

But also protective in a way, which is uncharacteristically strong:

Penny: Ruby, are these people your friends? Ruby: Penny, get back! AAAAAH! Ruby: Penny, wait! Stop! Penny: Don't worry, Ruby. I'm combat ready!

Finally, Penny's death is what breaks the peace and happiness of Ruby's school days:

The fall of Beacon starts with Penny's dismemberment. That is the moment Ruby's world breaks and she crashes down in shock. However, she is fast to get back on her feet and immediately uses Penny's sword to fight a Nevermore:

The metaphor is clear. The Nevermore embodies grief (see Poe's The Raven) and Ruby deals with it with her inner faith, which is represented by Penny's sword.

Atlas is just the repetition of this story. Penny arrives like a ray of hope in the grim situation the heroes are. They have just discovered Salem can't be killed and Ozpin has left them. Still, a lost friend appears out of nowhere and brings new happiness to the characters:

Penny: It'll be just like Beacon again!

Thanks to Penny, Ruby is able to go back to her happy place. She is back at Beacon with her friends all working hard to become extraordinary Huntresses and Huntsmen. Sure, some things have changed, but Ruby can find solace in the things that haven't. This is why Ruby's line to Pietro is so telling:

Ruby: Even if the worst does happen, you can always reactivate her again, so maybe try not to worry so much.

Pietro is worried about Penny's well being and Ruby tells him not to because if push comes to shove Pietro can just revive Penny again. Ruby clearly sees Penny as an ideal existence that can defeat death. However, Pietro is quick to shoot down this belief. This is foreshadowing for Penny's eventual death and how Ruby will have to accept it. Penny's second death brings out all the negative feelings Ruby has been repressing:

The scenario is the same of the one at Beacon, but this time Ruby can't stand up and struggles to find Penny's sword again:

Jinxy: Enough hope to fill this jar.

She has not enough hope to wield her inner blade anymore.

It is deep down still there:

Ruby: I… I thought this was lost forever. How’d you have it? Blacksmith: Nothing. No one is ever truly lost.

However, Ruby can't see it.

In other words, Penny is symbolically linked to Ruby's hope. She is the embodyment of the inner child that shines within Ruby and brings light to others. Still, Ruby is growing up. The coping mechanisms that worked as a child are starting to lose their grip on her.

It is not by chance that in Atlas Ruby struggles to use her silver eyes. She finds an inner equilibrium in volume 6, but Salem's words in volume 7 are all it takes to throw Ruby off:

After that, Ruby manages to sucessfully use her eyes only when Penny is in danger:

So, symbolically Penny is the one keeping Ruby together. This is why she is undone the moment Penny dies. Penny's death marks the end of Ruby's childhood.

Volume 9 is really Ruby grieving her child self in Penny. This is made clear by Little, who is Ruby's innocent self and shares many similarities with Penny. They love hugs and friends and Ruby. They are hopeful and want to grow up and help others. They are both Ruby and Penny in a nutshell.

So, Ruby's final goodbye to Somewhat is really Ruby saying goodbye both to her child self and to Penny:

Ruby: Well, uh… To me, you seem like a friend. Blake: A guide. Weiss: A protector. Yang: A…dorable. Ruby: Do any of those sound close? Somewhat: Hmmm. Somewhat. Yeah. Somewhat. I’m not any one thing, I’m somewhat of a lot of things! Ruby: It is a true pleasure to meet you, Somewhat. Somewhat: It will be my honor to serve you. Ruby: You’ve already done more for us than you know. Somewhat: You do feel… familiar. Like a happy dream I can’t remember.

She is moving on towards adulthood and self-actualization. She is working through her grief for her friend's loss.

Of course, this process has just begun:

What survives After all the dust has gone? Were you there till the end (the end)? Were you at least called a friend?

My wish came true That day that you appeared And called me friend

Penny is absent from Ruby's final confrontation with the Blacksmith (my main complaint about volume 9 ending). Still, this is clearly because Ruby is going to symbolically face her later on.

It is the same with Jaune and Pyrrha:

No more Sudden movements Please So tired, I'm sleepless And haunted by you Falling Forever Was I always just A man out of time

Both fallen maidens indirectly appear in the climax of the volume, but neither is properly addressed. They will be in Vacuo. They must be because both Jaune and Ruby are still hung up on them.

RUBY IDEALIZES PENNY

Neo-Penny: Just like you were too late to save me at the Vytal Festival… I died in Atlas too, didn’t I? Can you imagine what that's like? To be completely and utterly failed… time and again… by someone who meant the world to you…

This is the Penny Ruby sees in her head. This is in no way the real Penny. In her final moments, Penny is not looking for someone to save her, but rather she is searching for ways to save others.

In short, Ruby idealizes Penny to an extent. She sees her as someone innocent and pure to protect, but Penny is much more. Penny is her own person and her arc is about reaching self-actualization. She isn't the Pinocchio who is created by the Blue Fairy. Rather, she is the Pinocchio who creates the Blue Fairy:

All of this to say, I disagree with this take:

She was extremely codependent on others (TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE and just like Ruby was with Yang at the start at Beacon) and if I was to like the ship in canon, then Penny would have had to stay alive and go to Vacuo while RWBY fell (guess Jaune wouldn't have a reason to fall anymore), and learn how to be independent.

Or to better say, I see things a little bit differently. It is true that Ruby and Penny's dynamic is one where Ruby is mostly the one supporting and Penny is the one supported. It is also true that Penny is unsure about herself because of how her life has been controlled by others. Still, the way this dynamic works is also because Ruby keeps on projecting on Penny a very frail and vulnerable part of herself.

I actually think your parallelism with Yang and Ruby's dynamic is pretty poignant. Yes, Ruby is initially dependent on Yang. Still, Yang too is clearly projecting on Ruby her guilt and belief that love is conditional. This is why Yang should let go of Ruby:

This doesn't mean for Yang to stop caring for Ruby. However, it is not Yang's fault Ruby drinks the tree tea. Similarly, it is not Yang the one who can save Ruby or decide who Ruby is gonna be. Only Ruby can do that. That is because Ruby is her own person outside of Yang.

The same goes for Ruby and Penny. Ruby is a wonderful friend to Penny. Still, it is not her fault Penny dies at Beacon and at Atlas. Finally, Penny has in herself the strength to grow up and become her own person. Something she does before dying.

If Nuts And Dolts were written to become canon, Penny should grow more self-assured, so that she could be there for Ruby. At the same time, Ruby should stop projecting her inner child on Penny.

THE CONFLICT THAT WASN'T THERE

I would like to highlight that volume 7 offers the perfect chance to change Ruby and Penny's dynamic.

As we know, Ruby's main internal conflict there is if to tell or not Ironwood about Salem's immortality. Well, if Penny were to have an arc intertwined with Ruby, so that they could grow together and end up as a couple, this conflict needed to be addressed between them.

After all, Ruby doesn't tell Penny about Salem. At least, we have no reason to think otherwise. Penny is close to Ironwood and Winter and trusts easily. So, it is to be expected that if she knew, she would insist to tell the Atlas higher ups. So, not only is Ruby hiding info from Ironwood, but also from her friend. She obviously does so not to put Penny in a thight spot.

However, if Penny were written to grow into Ruby's partner, I think she should have entered a minor conflict with Ruby over this. In volume 8, Ruby not telling her should have been mentioned and Penny should have called Ruby out. She should have demanded Ruby to trust her more.

So, why doesn't this happen? Simply because imo Penny and Ruby are not written to be endgame. Moreover, the ones who enter a conflict with Ruby over this are Yang and Oscar. In particular, Oscar gets the part of the conflict, which could have easily been Penny's. He is the one who grows the closest to Ironwood. He is the one General objectifies. He is the one who eventually reveals the truth. He is the one who faces Ironwood in a last desperate attempt to get through to him.

Obviously, there could have been many other ways to write Penny and Ruby as a ship. Still, Penny is right now dead and her arc is done. In general, Penny and Ruby's arcs are not even that intertwined structurally:

Penny's arc is about reaching personhood through making difficult and tragic choices. She explores the theme of humanity, duty vs want and faith. Finally, her destiny in the sense of final goal is linked to "friendship". Her final choice is to say goodbye to Winter and to solve their conflict. She also chooses her friends over her duties as a Maiden. The character at the centre of her arc is Winter and not Ruby.

Ruby's arc is about overcoming Summer's death. She is a wide-eyed child, who is confronted with the darkness of the world and has to resist it. She must keep her idealism in the face of the worst happening. The characters at the centre of her arc are honestly Summer and Cinder so far. Still, I think Oscar will be key, as well. I mean:

Foreshadowing is foreshadowing.

That said, Penny and Ruby are incredibly important for each other. They are linked to each other's best parts. Ruby is the first to recognize Penny's humanity. She is Penny's guide and inspiration to grow up. Penny reminds Ruby of her most innocent and hopeful side. She is an even more simple soul than Ruby herself.

So, I personally don't ship them, but I can understand why people are passionate about their relationship. As for me, I am more interested in their individual arcs and what they have to say. Thank you for the ask!

#rwby #ruby rose #penny polendina #rwby meta #my meta #greenteaandtattoos #tw: penny's death

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crawley-fell · 3 months

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For the brainrot series - as though you don't have enough requests, but I heard this song again today and the resulting assault on my imagination has irrevocably damaged my sanity, and I had to say something because I will not be suffering alone.

Okay, so, picture this:

Crowley is tired of the way things have been weird in this vague post-S3 world I'm picturing, and he's decided he's gonna Do Something About It (mostly because he's already about 'if I'm not a bush I'm not no one' levels of drunk). Naturally, he decides that what he's gonna do is woo his angel.

Easy enough. Humans do this shit all the time, and without the benefit of 6000 years of mutual pining and some slinky hips. In fact, thanks to his extensive knowledge of romcoms (a must for any demon if they want to learn inventive ways to sow discord among couple, etc, and for no other reason), he's decided that the perfect course of action is to serenade Aziraphale with a song that perfectly encapsulates his squishy, kind of embarrassingly soft feelings that the angel just has to give in and accept his expertly plighted troth (probably not a euphemism).

He is, at this point, at the 'I'm washing me and my clothes' stage of his drinking binge, but he's nervous, so sue him.

It takes him foreeeeever to pick a song (he only knows "bebop" won't do, but unfortunately that covers such a wide and sometimes contradictory swath of all music made since the 1940s, it's pretty impossible), and he keeps second guessing himself, so he makes it to the 'Kiefer Sutherland tackling a Christmas tree' stage of blitzed and hits shuffle on his 'Embarrassing Angelfeels I Can Never Admit To Even Under Pain Of Total Annihilation' Spotify playlist et VOILA! The perfect song! Crowley can't believe his luck, and he sets his plan into motion before he can do something stupid, like sober up.

So, it's about 3 in the morning at this point, and Crowley has set up his speaker system in the middle of the street facing Aziraphale's bookshop, and as you do, he climbs onto a stolen crate (containing an order of dildos the adult entertainment shop three streets over is going to be looking for in about five hours) and shouts for Aziraphale until the angel, and anyone else unfortunate enough to be hanging around at 3am on a Wednesday (mostly Mrs. Sandwich and her girls and poor Nina, who has unwisely chosen to arrive extra early to wait on a delivery of hazelnut syrup), pops their heads out to see what the deuce is going on.

Once he sees his darling angel, Crowley takes another swig of frankly embarrassingly cheap vodka for a demon of his tastes, hefts hus microphone, and starts to sing (for a given value of sing).

It starts off soft, all chimes and romantic piano, full of joy and longing, and Aziraphale's face does that thing where he's definitely embarrassed, but also pleased, so Crowley shuts his eyes, and that's when the disco beat drops.

Oh yes. Crowley is about to fucking boogie down for the love of his life.

He busts out all the moves, wiggling those slinky hips (because he's never been one not to use every weapon at his disposal), belting out mostly the right lyrics in somewhat the right key, generally on time and everything.

Aziraphale's face, if Crowley would open his eyes and look, is now crossing over into horrified, yet hopelessly enamored, with a dash of down bad. His tastes are varied and interesting, okay?

The music fades out before Crowley does, still belting for a good thirty seconds after the track changes to 'The Edge of Glory', which isn't as perfect for his purposes, but Aziraphale hasn't fallen to his knees in besotted supplication (also not a euphemism, probably), so Crowley figures he may as well, and the whole street is both glad and a little disappointed that this is when Aziraphale steps away from the shop door, reaches up for Crowley's hand, and drags him off the box of dildos and towards the shop.

"That's lovely, dear. Why don't we go inside so you can sleep this off before we talk about it."

Crowley, of course, follows along happily, about 80% sure that is a euphemism, and decides send a little blessing to Barbra Streisand in gratitude. He knew 'The Main Event/Fight' had been the right song to choose.

(It was not, in fact, a euphemism, and Crowley thinks the squirming agony of having to listen to Aziraphale somehow turn a love confession into a lecture about proper methods of courtship and being considerate of human sleep cycles while suffering the worst hangover of his entire existence is possibly the best worst thing he's ever experienced. Hell should take notes.)

(They spend the rest of the day getting to know each other, and that is a euphemism.)

Now.

Did I fail to peel this mental image off the surface of my brain for the last 24 hours and decide to share the agony and the ecstasy of it? Oh yes.

Is it the perfect song to confess your love to your ineffable crush with? Debatable, but it has good results of one (1) success and no failures so far, so we can't really say no.

Thank you for coming to my TEDtalk.

The level of detail in this is unmatched. The creativity? Inspired. When I started th brainrot series never did I think I would receive something of this gravitas. Bravo my dear, I'm in the palm of your hand. And the specificity of the playlist turning to Edge Of Glory? Delicious. This is truly, marvellously unhinged. God bless the Babs and to you for the gift you have bestowed upon me. I will treat it with love and care.

#i encourage you all to read this it really is an outstanding image that i look forward to brining to life #thank u so much for dropping this into my inbox u icon #ask #brainrot series requests

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mbrainspaz · 9 months

Text

I'm at my wits end. The boss has hired two rich high school boys to stop me from working overtime. I haven't trained the second one yet but it sounds like I'm going to end up doing it because he's worked two days and the 'manager' hasn't bothered to show him how to lead a horse yet. High school boy no.1 is killing me. Every day I give him a task list and he just doesn't do it. I get back from my mandated break and ask him if he did anything and he's just like :) "No." The audacity of a straight cis white boy! First I told the 'manager' and he said 'yeah, I've had the same problem.' He did nothing about it as far as I can tell. He has zero backbone when it comes to confronting anybody so that wasn't surprising. I had a Talk with the boy and he seemed remorseful but continued to do a shitty job. So I told the corporate boss. She said she'd handle it ("And you still absolutely may NOT work ANY overtime! PEASANT!""I'm sure high school boy will give the horses water and food on time despite habitually failing to do that!"). You know what she did? She showed up an hour late, told the kid to drink water, and left again. e_o AAaaah?!

So I'm like—'this is why I need to work overtime, because shit isn't getting done.' And she's like, 'No :)' 'he's just a kid.'

NO SHIT?! YOU HIRED HIM THOUGH. He's not doing the job we need done.

And NOBODY CARES!

the audacity.

Can you imagine if I'd tried that as a 19 year old 'girl' at my first big barn job? Hell, I made maybe one mistake in the whole summer and that manager grilled me within an inch of my life. I gave one horse not enough hay, one time. He treated me like shit for the rest of the summer. This kid—rich boy—we stopped asking him to do hay for the horses because he was so intentionally incompetent We were like 'please give them more hay'

and he was like 'no :)'

f*ck

I asked him to clean all of 6 paddocks today and gave him 2 hours to do it. This time last year I was cleaning all 20 a day by myself in 2 hours. I think he cleaned maybe 2. GUESS WHO GETS TO CLEAN THE OTHER 18 ALONE IN 115 DEGREE HEAT TOMORROW?! Because nobody else is going to f*cking do it apparently.

Honestly I should just not. I should just stop working too. What the hell are they gonna do about it? Fire me for being the only person who's shown up for my shift on time and gotten chores done reliably all summer? Fire the only person who communicates with every part of the team and the clients? The only one who actually cares if the business is doing ok? You know they would! It's so stupid and universally ironic you KNOW it would happen to me.

They've already disciplined me repeatedly for trying too hard and caring too much.

And like yeah no sh*t the kid doesn't want to do actual work. The truck his parents bought him is worth more than the cumulative earnings I've made in this industry in the last 5 years. He's just doing this job because his mommy made him. After high school they'll get him a white collar job where he gets to 'manage money' for 100+K and he'll gleefully brag about what a hard worker he is because he had a job shoveling shit once and 'actually those jobs aren't so bad and poor people complain too much because really they deserve to suffer if they can't hack the system' like he did.

ugh. My whole life I'm going to live at the whims of utterly incompetent people who are richer, dumber, and meaner than me. I called my rich uncle for advice the other day and he said "you know really workers are only really productive for 40-60% of the workday." I LAUGHED MANIACALLY while actively doing the work of at least 2 people.

"average business person works 40-60% of the day" factoid actualy just statistical error. average business person works 0 hours per day. Texan Peasant, who lives at work & works for 200% of every day, is an outlier adn should not have been counted

#life of a texan peasant #ffs #worker's rights #bad management #rant #poverty wages #corporate american hellscape #incompetence #business business business #i hate everything

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roseofdarkness0 · 1 year

Text

Just snippets and random incorrect quotes that been stuck in my head and I had to take them out Sooooooo enjoy? I will have small snippet explain au as a context clue bc I'm not that evil yet.

Edit: Forgot to link it earlier but Poly Ship Au incorrect quotes Au

Married au: Gov and Cali are secretly married and no one knows but them.

~•~

Cali: I want a divorce

Gov: And I want those meetings to not derail into chaos but here we are

Utah: the only one who heard them and questioning his life rn

~•~

Cali: Have you seen our marriage certificate I nee-WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!

Gov: currently setting the certificate on fire GOOD LUCK RETURNING ME WITHOUT A RECEIPT

Cali: YOU SETTING THE LAWN ON FIRE YOU IDIOT

Utah, who just wanted to go out to his car:

Utah: shuffles back inside

~•~

Gov: casually taking four stairs at a time

Cali: falling behind, taking two stairs at a time Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fu-

~•~

after their old rings either get lost or damaged

Cali: I made this wedding band for you.

Gov: You know, I’m not really a jewelry person.

Cali: You don’t have to wear it...

Gov: No, I’m gonna wear it forever. Back off.

~•~

Cali: If you don't stop talking, I'm going to jump out of that window.

Gov: ...We're on the ground floor.

Cali: I know but I want a dramatic exit.

Utah, who just wanted to finish the meeting with gov and go to his wife:

~•~

Cali: Don’t worry, I know exactly what I’m doing. Everything is going to be fine!

Gov: How can you still say that?

Cali: Because sometimes, when things get tough, denial is all we have.

~•~

After Penn and Virginia accidentally find the two making out in gov office

Cali: Are you mad?

Gov: No.

Cali: So sharpening your knives at 3 in the morning is just a hobby?

~•~

Cali: You saved me! Why?

Gov: People would think I murdered you if I didn't.

~•~

Gov: holds a gun out to Cali

Cali: I-I don't believe in guns.

Gov: Well, trust me, they're very real. Now take it.

~•~

Gov: Who hurt you?

Cali: snorting What, do you want a list?

Gov: ...Yes, actually.

~•~

Second a meeting with all the states finishes

Cali: I’m going to hell.

Gov: Probably.

Cali: I'll pick you up?

Gov: nodding Carpool.

States: ????????

Utah: I fReAkinG KnEw IT

~•~

Nevada blinked and watched with increasingly worried expression as Utah muttered to himself, staring at the wall in his office that was covered with scribbled on pages, some photos and a lot of red string.

"Utah??? You good there?"

"Whole week!"

"...w-whole week what?" Nevada flinched as dishevelled and frankly crazy looking Utah turned towards him, pinning him to the spot with just his crazied gaze alone.

"I had to suffer through two of them setting lawns on fire, flirting right in front of me instead of finishing the meetings and Gov mysteriously coming back covered in red substance back to the statehouse in the middle of the night. Heck!!!! WE ALL HEARD THEM FLIRT AN HOUR AGO IN THE MEETING ROOM!" Utah turned back to his conspiracy wall, shaking with what seemed to be explosive cocktail of tiredness and anger "AND YET EVERYONE DISMISSED IT?!"

"W-well to be fair it's hard to imagine-"

"PENNSYLVANIA AND VIRGINIA WERE COMPLAINING ABOUT THEM MAKING OUT JUST FEW DAYS AGO"

"They could have been joking?"

"WHY THE F U C K WOULD THEY JOKE ABOUT THAT?!" Utah look ready to commit murder and Nevada didn't really want to give him ideas on who to murder considering there was only two of them in the room right now.

"Right, you may be right but look at it that way, you are sleep deprived and twitchy enough your wife would replace you wit-" he stopped the joke seeing Utah eyelids twitch violently"-nevermind, point is how about I drive you back to your houses you can relax and nap there instead of being stuck here going a bit cray cray?"

Utah seemed to be considering Nevada offer for a bit before stiffly nodding. Without another word he shoved most of his stuff into his bag and approached Nevada jerkily nodding at him to lead the way.

Cheering oh the inside for the small victory. Nevada confidently strolled out of Utah office just to stop in his track and blink rapidly at

"California? What the fuck are you wearing?"

"Hm? Oh this old thing? I thought the red dress may go well with those shoes and because it's a dinner I matched it with that fancy-"

"Not what I meant-but good pairing, I would have went with different eyeliner but it does work for you-I meant more like why?"

"Oh that's easy, diner with husband"

Nevada didn't need to turn around to be able to know that Utah looks 5 seconds away from either murder or complete break down.

"Uh huh like husband as in friend and their husband or?"

".. I mean like my husband, I haven't spent half my salary on making our rings for nothing you know?"

Nevada blinked as he finally spotted the wedding ring adoring California finger. Before he could question California or himself further there was loud honk coming from outside.

"That must be Gov! I see you two tomorrow!" California winked and went off downstairs, not one to miss the drama Nevada dragged poor Utah after him with one hand whilst in the other he brandished his phone just in time to film Florida do a spit take at Texas face who didn't even acknowledge the scalding coffee as he seemed to have several personal revelations about himself at once.

Louisiana was halfway through drinking to avoid responsibility but choked on his daiquiri when the door opened to reveal handsomely dressed Gov who just looked unimpressed by the chaos happening in front of him. He looked ready to reprimand them but was successfully distracted by California planting a kiss on his cheek which seemed to set of another round of chocked noises, wheezes and rapid slams to the back.

"Cmon we have reservation to get to and I'm not wasting the hours I spend putting the outfit together" Cali tugged on Gov tie to get him back outside.

"If we miss it I will pull few strings-"

"Nope, no string pulling cmon off we go, bye guys!" with a quick wink and a wave California managed to drag Gov outside and towards the car.

"...."

". . ."

Louisiana coughs again, clearing his throat and wincing at the daiquiri he had wasted, patting Florida when he came over and buried his flaming red face into Louisiana shoulder.

Utah just looked very smug and vindicated. Without another word he went to his car to finally get back to his home.

#ben brainard #wttt utah #wttt incorrect quotes #wttt louisiana #wttt florida #wttt gov #wttt california #wttt texas #wttt nevada #wttt #welcome to the table #Not mentioned cause I wasn't sure how to put it in: DC and NY coming back from shopping trip and being greeted by the three having crisis #whilst Nevada cackles in the background about something #Meanwhile Gov and Cali gush about the reaction they got from the three and planning how to #shock/seduce them more #why yrs I don't know how to write accents how did u guess?

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inkmiracle · 5 months

Note

you rang?

can you do platonic jax & reader scenario where caine throws a team cooking competition and reader was unfortunate enough to be paired with jax...

though uhh. with reader in the mix there would be an uneven number of contestants (7) so someone is either alone or has a team of 3

HI ANON YES I DID RING

AND YES YESY YESYSEYSYEYSEYSYE IM HOPPING TO IT!!! RN!!!

also i am SoSoSoSorry if this is a little (or a lot) ooc :((

im having a bit of trouble with character study rn so im suffering sosbs

things that i did that i can edit if you dont like:

quiet reader

nameless reader (no y/n)

gender neutral reader (no specification so i used theythem)

jax kinda warms up to reader slightly, they're friends who would drop kick each other off the empire state building if given the chance at the end

and also i had some baking thrown in i dont know why i had trouble with finding something they could cook !!

Jax and Reader (G/N, no y/n used just they and "newbie") in a cooking activity

Caine had cooped everyone up as quickly as possible.

"Hello, hello! I have prepared a brilliant activity for you all today, my amazing performers!"

With the entire circus crew either groaning or in silence (with the exception of Jax and his snide remarks), the talking pair(?) of teeth with eyes chirped suddenly.

"Great! Glad to see you're all super excited! Now, let's get to ...Cooking!"

Silence. Absolute silence. If crickets existed in the circus, they would be going wild right now.

"C-cooking? Did I hear that right?" Ragatha piped up, her voice quivering slightly. Her expression faltered.

"Very much so, Ragatha!" Caine shouted (unreasonably loudly).

Aaaand, there came the chatter again. Freaking out, everyone was talking to one another, except Jax and the newest member of the circus. As Caine paired the rest of the circus together in groups, herding in a desperate-to-escape Zooble, Jax stepped back. "Count me out," remarked the rabbit. "I'd rather have an anvil dropped on me than this." The newbie was still quiet, though.

"What, really? Nothing to say, even after this entire thing? I've seen a lot of newbies pipe up faster than you," Jax teased.

After tuning out the ringmaster's loud and cheery voice announcing who would be paired together (which consisted of Pomni and Gangle, Caine and Bubble [they were the judges], Kinger (alone), and Ragatha and Zooble),

Which left Jax and ...the new one.

And the rabbit was NOT happy.

"No, nope, nada, never in my life. Count me out, Caine."

Jax folded his sticklike arms, defiant about the whole situation. He would die on this hill, cooking was so much worse than whatever was going on the other days.

"Come on now, Jax, it can't be that bad!"

A few minutes passed. Everyone was set up at their respective kitchen stations.

"Because of my abilities as the ringmaster and Bubble here's culinary expertise, we will be judging as not to be unfair! You will be "

Caine clapped his hands together, leaving the gloved appendages clasped in approval.

"You may begin!!"

Everyone started rushing off, except Jax who didn't want to do this at all.

"Nope, I'm gonna say it again. Never."

And after a LOT of persuading from Caine and the newbie, he finally caved.

"Fine, fine! I'll do it if you leave me alone. Got it?"

And so when the new member set off to get the ingredients, Jax reluctantly looked through the options.

"Spanish rice - no. - Hashbrown casserole - nah - COOKED RABBIT??? -- Oh, here. Grilled cheese or something, I guess that's good?"

And the two of them set off, not without some complaining from Jax whenever he was asked to do something, even a simple task. He did help though, and was surprisingly good once he got used to it. Jax eventually got extremely focused, fixating himself on winning this contest.

"Hey, newbie. Grab the butter."

"Over here, dork."

"Ay! Hurry it up over there-"

And when prompted to help, he was - well a lot easier to work with. It seemed Jax had started to enjoy this. Even just bantering with the new circus member, or talking about whatever while they cooked a meal that originally passed as "just seems easy enough", Jax felt comfortable. He completely felt relaxed and chill, forgetting the competition.

When the time came, Caine beeped. Loudly.

"Attention master chefs! Time is up!!"

All the teams nervously presented the food they made. Zooble and Ragatha first, with a pot roast, Gangle and Pomni next with pancakes, Kinger with an unidentifiable ...something, and Jax with the newbie.

After trying everything, Caine and Bubble chatted for a moment, hushed. "Well, in a turn of events, Jax's team wins!"

Caine knew now - this was something they'd have to do again sometime if it worked this well.

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alextheavoidant · 7 months

Text

I posted this as a reply to someone on YouTube under a video about the 8 Passengers situation. Thought I'd share it here because why not.

I feel like I should put a trigger warning here as this post discusses child abuse, but now that I think of it my whole blog probably needs a trigger warning...

Post:

I was also badly abused growing up and this is something I'm just now starting to come to terms with. My parents were divorced when I was five and my father claims he tried to get custody of my siblings and I, but the truth is he didn't want to be a single father and having three little kids to take care of would have gotten in the way of his drinking and partying lifestyle. I never knew my mothers side of the family because she's pretty much been estranged from them since before I was born. But I remember when my sister died from a drug overdose the whole side of my dads family were suddenly so sad about what we went through growing up and would say things like "We tried to give you some sense of normalcy. We always invited you to Christmas and the holidays." As if they were doing us some kind of favor for letting us come to family gatherings.

The worst part is I didn't have to wonder if they knew. I knew they knew because I remember being very vocal about what was happening to us our entire childhood. But every time I tried to tell someone it seemed like they would either turn away and pretend they didn't hear me or make some kind of joke like "Oh yeah, that's your mother. She's crazy. Ha ha ha." or a dismissive "Well, she's the only mother you're ever gonna have, so you gotta love her." or what I feel is one of the most damaging things you can put in an abused child's mind, "I know it may not seem like it, but she loves you in her own way." No one seemed to be worried back then.

The other worst part is instead of being understanding about the ways the abuse has effected us and maybe trying to help us get our lives together, these same people who turned a blind eye to it now have the audacity to judge us for not being "successful", their definition of success being having a great career, lots of money, nice house, nice car, nice marriage with three perfectly behaved, straight A students. We're supposed to be perfect like all of them pretend to be. Just supposed to magically not be affected by any of the abuse and neglect we suffered growing up so that they can pretend it never happened so they don't have to feel guilty about the fact that they knew we were living in a house with a raging alcoholic without food and clean clothes half the time and they did nothing about it. It wasn't *their* responsibility to protect us. Now that we're adults its *our* responsibility to fix ourselves and stop "playing innocent", blaming the family and making them look bad. The only reason we can't is obviously because we're just too inherently defective. Because of course we are. We're "just like our mother". We have her genes. And the kicker? I'm constantly told to "rise above my raising" while also being told I'm "screwing up" my niece because I can't afford to take her out to eat all the time and shit like that. Literal mind fuck.

And yet, the most bizarre part is, the more progress I make in my recovery, as I have been diagnosed with several mental health issues including a severe anxiety disorder (AvPD), the harder and harder they seem to want to come down on me. Like it's not enough that I've spent years in therapy trying to get my life straight, that I'm raising AND homeschooling my sisters child, whom she abandoned long before she passed away. It's not enough just that I survived that hell and I'm still here and I'm not an addict or in jail or on the street. I'm just not getting better fast enough, and that annoys them. They don't want to hear about my recovery because they don't want to acknowledge how fucked up I actually am, and how much work its taking to even try to achieve some sense of normalcy, let alone have a "successful" life and career, according to their standards. My very existence is a stain on the security blanket of lies they wrap themselves up in so they can sleep at night. And they really don't like that.

#blog #mental health #abuse #child abuse #trauma #survivor #abuse survivor #trigger warning

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tomwambsmilk · 2 years

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Your tags! I need a Tom amnesia storyline more than anything now

PLEASE I already have 5 WIPs going, I can't start a sixth 😭😭❤️

That being said this concept also has not left me alone. So I have in fact added it to the list of fics I'd like to eventually write, but since who knows whether or not I'll ever get to it...

So the thing is I actually had a friend in high school whose parents owned horses, and she had a horrible accident where she was trying to help break in an unruly young horse, and it threw her off and kicked her in the head. She suffered about 6 months of amnesia, which meant she woke up in the hospital and did not remember, among other things, that her boyfriend had broken up with her, so she started asking after him. Unfortunately the brain trauma meant her short-term memories weren't encoding properly, so someone would have to explain to her every day that she and her boyfriend had broken up, at which point she would be devastated and cry.... And then forget by the next day and ask for him and have to go through the whole process again. Eventually her short-term memories did start encoding again, but she never got back those 6 months.

I like the idea of Tom getting a head injury (car accident, maybe?) after Lion in the Meadow, and then forgetting everything going back to a couple days before Logan's birthday, so here you go:

He comes to slowly. He can hear the beeping of what sounds like a heart monitor. His head feels fuzzy and... heavy? He feels like he may be on drugs.

"Tom? Tom?" He doesn't recognize the voice coming from his left. He forces his eyes open and blinks twice. Squints. He doesn't recognize the face either.

The face clearly recognizes him, though, and grins stupidly at him. "You're awake! God, Tom, I- I was worried about you, man. When Shiv called me she made it sound like it was, uh. Pretty bad." He's leaning over Tom, with an overly earnest look on his face. He's got big round eyes like a baby deer. He seems to be telling the truth, although Tom for the life of him can't figure out who he is and why he'd be so concerned. However, the face apparently knows Shiv, so that's a place to start, maybe.

"Where is Shiv?"

The face blinks at him. "Oh. Uh. She was here, for a while, but she had to go. A work thing."

"Oh." That makes sense. There's only a couple weeks left until midterms, so something must've happened with Joyce's campaign. Tom tries not to feel disappointed.

"How do you know Shiv?"

The face blinks at him again. "What?"

"What do you mean, 'what'? It's a pretty straightforward question, isn't it?"

There's a long pause. "Dude, are you seriously razzing me right now? Because that isn't funny."

"What? No. I'm not 'razzing' you. I feel like 'how do you know my girlfriend' is a perfectly valid question."

When Tom says 'girlfriend', a look of concern washes over the face.

"Your what?"

"My girlfriend," Tom says slowly, over-enunciating the word like he's speaking to a toddler. "Are you stupid? Maybe you should be the one hooked up to a monitor."

The face gets more concerned, and then the guy stands up - he's absurdly tall, Tom realizes - and says, with just an edge of panic to his voice: "Hey, I'm gonna be right back, okay, Tom? I'm just gonna- I'm just gonna go get somebody."

Tom watches him go bemusedly, smoothing down his covers absentmindedly. He wonders what they're made out of - they're coarser than he's used to - and glances down.

There's a wedding ring on his left hand.

His chest tightens. He screws his eyes shut and then opens them. It's still there. He takes his right hand and slides it off his finger to check if it's real. It sure as hell feels real.

He puts it back on his finger and quietly starts to panic.

It's only a couple more minutes until a woman in a white coat - a doctor presumably - comes into the room, followed by the guy from before. He doesn't sit back down by the bed; instead, he hovers awkwardly by the door to the room. The doctor crosses to the foot of the bed and picks up the chart.

"How are you feeling, Mr. Wambsgans?"

"Uh, fine. A little fuzzy. What happened?"

"You were in a car wreck. You're actually quite lucky you weren't more seriously injured, but you did take quite a blow to the head."

"Huh. Okay. How long have I been out for."

The doctor hums quietly. "Only a couple of days."

"Oh."

"I'm going to ask you a couple of questions, just to see where your head's at." She flashes a smile at him that doesn't make Tom feel any better. "What's today's date?"

Tom's mouth is dry. "Uh, well if I was out for a couple of days, it's- It's probably, what, November 4 or 5?" He glances at the guy by the door as he says it, and watches his eyes go wide as saucers. That's not good.

The doctor hums again and taps her pen on the chart. "What year?"

"2017. It's 2017, right?"

The guy by the door sucks in a breath, which makes the doctor turn and look at him. "Mr. Hirsch, would you mind giving us a few moments?"

"Right. Of course. Sorry." He slips out of the room and shuts the door, but Tom can see him hovering in the hallway through the glass window.

The doctor comes and sits down by the bed. "Okay, Mr. Wambsgans. You do appear to be experiencing some memory loss. That's not altogether uncommon for injuries of this nature, so I wouldn't get too worried yet."

"Okay. How much time have I lost?"

"Well, today's date is June 8, 2018."

Tom feels like he's going to throw up. "Eight months? I've lost eight fucking months?"

"Like I said, I wouldn't worry about it too much yet. It's very possible that it'll come back once your brain has some time to heal."

She continues talking, asking other questions about specific symptoms, talking about recovery timelines, but Tom's only half-listening. His mind is racing - apparently, he got married in the last eight months. To Shiv, presumably. That makes sense - it's somewhat of a relief, actually, because the last thing he remembers is carrying around the ring for weeks, waiting for the right moment to ask for Logan's blessing, and quietly panicking and backing out of every opportunity. Presumably he'd eventually found the guts to do it, and it'd gone well.

He realizes the doctor is getting up to leave. "Hey, can you send that guy back in here?"

"Of course," she says, and he watches her step out and say something to the guy, who nods and comes back in. He stays hovering by the door, though, which Tom finds supremely irritating for reasons he doesn't fully understand.

"Come over here and sit down," he snaps, a little harsher than he intended, and the guy does. Tom takes a second to collect his thoughts.

"Okay. First things first. How do you know Shiv?"

"She's my cousin."

"Huh." Shiv had mentioned her Canadian cousin offhand to him, once or twice. He tries to search his memory for a name. "... Craig?"

"It's, uh. It's Greg, actually,"

"Right. Greg." Tom holds his hand out for Greg to shake. "Tom Wambsgans."

"Yeah, dude, I know," Greg says, but he shakes Tom's hand anyways.

"Huh. Okay. So why are you here right now?" It's understandable that Shiv might've sent an emissary, of sorts, if she couldn't be here, but picking her cousin rather than any one of her brothers seems... odd. He notices that Greg hesitates for a second before answering.

"We're, uh... We're close."

"Really?" Tom is skeptical.

"Yeah. We're like... We're friends. You're kind of my best friend, actually." He looks nervous as he says it, and Tom is a little suspicious that this guy might be trying to grift him somehow, although he can't figure out how or why.

"We're best friends?"

Greg shrugs. "Yeah. We met at Logan's birthday party."

"Oh." That's... plausible. "And we became best friends?"

"Well, you're also my boss. I'm your executive assistant."

"I have an executive assistant?" That's new. That's also encouraging. That means, almost definitely, that he got a sizeable promotion.

"Yeah. You're the chairman of ATN."

"What?" That bowls him over. "You're fucking with me."

"Nope." Greg looks a little chagrined. "Wish I was."

Tom processes this for a second. Then, he holds up his left hand. "And I'm married? To Shiv?"

"Yeah. You guys got married a few months ago. March 10."

"Oh." He hums softly to himself and looks down at the ring. Now that he's had a bit more time to process it, it makes him feel warm and happy. Secure. "Was it a nice wedding?"

"Oh, yeah, it was like. At a castle in England. Shiv's mom's castle I think? Or, not her mom's castle but- in her mom's family. I forget exactly how." He pauses for a second. "Kendall did start a takeover bid, but other than that it was nice."

"He started a what?"

"Yeah, it was like... a whole thing. Still is, kind of. But- I mean that's a lot, and we can talk about it when you're feeling better."

"Sure."

They fall into silence. Greg's face looks pinched, and Tom feels kind of bad for him. He still suspicious of all this 'friend' stuff - this is not a world in which a person really has 'friends' - but he's becoming less convinced that this guy is trying to grift him.

"I mean, with any luck my memory will came back soon, and you won't have to tell me."

"Right. Of course."

**********

His memory never does come back.

It's inordinately frustrating, sitting through therapy session after therapy session, trying and failing to summon any memories at all. After the umpteenth MRI scan, when the doctors tell him that it's unlikely they'll ever come back, he's almost relieved because it means he can stop trying.

It also means they let him go home - which is apparently an entirely different home than the one he remembers. It's a gorgeous apartment, incredibly spacious, so he feels guilty for his disappointment. It's just unsettling, stepping back into a life he doesn't remember, that doesn't quite feel like his own, like he's stepping into the skin of someone who's a lot like him but isn't actually him.

Once he gets home, he doesn't want to wait too long to get back into the office, but he does take a couple of days to get settled. On the second day, while Shiv is at work (which is now apparently Waystar, and his boss - when he'd asked about the plan, she'd hesitated, and then said that they'd made some modifications to the plan, and he'd just nodded and tried to take it in stride) he opens his phone and reads back through the last eight months of text messages, trying to piece together what he can't remember.

He starts with Greg, if only because the guy seems to be pretty attached to him, and he really needs to know if they're actually friends or if there's something else going on. He scrolls back through months of texts - quite a lot of texts, actually. Near-constant texts. They text almost every day, sometimes about work, sometimes about nothing at all. Apparently, they've been going out in the evenings fairly frequently too. It really gives merit to that friend theory, and Tom has to pause to process that. He hasn't actually had a friend in... a long time. It makes him feel a little bit choked up. It's a nice feeling, to know that he has a friend, even if the guy vaguely reminds him of an inflatable tube man.

He is also, apparently, kind of an asshole to Greg. That part doesn't really surprise him, beyond a faint sort of surprise that Greg's been agreeing to hang out with him anyways. Maybe Greg is just a masochist.

There are so many texts that he doesn't bother scrolling more than a couple of months back before he switches over to Shiv. His texts with Shiv are less frequent, and the recent ones are... stilted, although he can't quite put a finger on what's wrong with them. A couple of months back, he comes to one that makes him pause.

Hey, I'm going to be staying out tonight.

Okay

The arrangement?

Yeah. That okay?

Yeah, of course.

Be safe.

Of course.

I love you.

I love you too.

He frowns at it. There's a vague sense of foreboding that he can't quite place. He scrolls back further, finding a few more references to "the arrangement", never with any additional context.

He asks about it when they're sitting on the couch together later that evening, and Shiv's entire body stiffens immediately. She puts her drink down on the coffee table in front of them, and turns to him, ever so slowly. She hesitates for a moment that seems to stretch on forever, and Tom's anxiety starts to build. Finally, she says, without quite looking him in the eye, "We... have an open marriage."

Tom feels like someone has punched him in the solar plexus. "We... have an open marriage?" He knows he didn't hear it wrong, but he's hoping that she'll say he did. Instead, she just nods.

"Oh." He looks down at the drink in his own hands. He has questions - a million of them - but he can't figure out what to ask first, and he's also afraid of what the answers will be.

"I mean, it's really- It's not, like, a thing." Shiv says quickly, placing her hand on his shoulder. "It's like - you're the king and I'm the queen, so what does it matter if we fuck the odd peasant? That's what you said." She laughs a bit.

"Oh, so this- this was my idea?" He can't imagine a world in which he ever would have wanted this.

Shiv bites her lip. "Well- no. It was mine. But we- we agreed about it."

"Uh-huh." There's something else here that he can't quite place. He doesn't think Shiv is lying to him, but there's a missing puzzle piece he can't figure out. Before he can figure out what to ask, though, she leans over and kisses him, deeply, and then starts unbuttoning his shirt - and it's been so long (at least since the last time he can remember) that he doesn't have it in him to stop her.

*********************

It's 9:30 in the morning, on his first day back in the office, and Tom is lying on his office floor behind his desk in a state of utter despair.

He'd blocked off the whole first day back, with the expectation that Greg - who should be here any minute - would help him get up to speed, so he'd been genuinely unprepared to find Gerri Kellman already in his office when he'd arrived at 8:30am.

It had only gotten worse from there.

He hears a knock at his office door, and (praying that it's Greg and not somebody else) he calls out "Come in!"

"Tom?" It is Greg.

"I'm over here. Behind the desk." He doesn't bother getting up, just listens to Greg's footsteps come around until Greg is standing over him, looking concerned.

"Tom? Are you okay? Should I- do you want me to call someone?"

"No, Greg, I'm not okay. No, you should absolutely not call anyone."

"Okay." Greg looks at him wide-eyed with those stupid fucking doe eyes.

"Did you know that I'm going to prison, Greg?"

Greg's face changes. He looks... guilty, maybe? "They told you about that already?"

"So you did know."

"...Yeah. I mean, I... I wasn't sure what the plan was, anymore, what with you and your... head."

Tom sighs. He wants to be mad at Greg for not giving him a fucking heads up, especially if they're supposed to be friends - but then again Shiv didn't either, and he's not sure how she would react if he confronts her now; plus, he's still feeling raw from the discovery that apparently she's been fucking other people with his blessing, and he doesn't want to poke at that wound. Greg, on the other hand, at least has the decency to pretend to be concerned, and they're supposed to be friends. And fuck does he need a friend right now.

Tom heaves himself upright, sitting under his desk. He points to the bar cart. "Grab that whiskey and two glasses, and then join me on the floor, Greg." He pats the space under the desk next to him.

Greg does as he's told, albeit a little bemusedly, squeezing in on Tom's right side under the desk. Since they're both over six feet tall, it's a tight fit; they're both kind of slouched, shoulders and legs pressed right up next to each other. Tom's not sure why he did this - literally hiding under his fucking desk - but it feels kind of safe and secluded. The blinds over the windows are pulled down, so it's not like anyone will see them under here. He pours a sizeable glass of whiskey for each of them.

"That's- it's, uh. It's 9:30 in the morning," Greg protests weakly, but Tom gives him a look and he takes a reluctant drink.

They sit like that in silence for a couple of minutes, and then Greg quietly says: "If it makes you feel any better. I'm probably going to prison too."

Tom arches an eyebrow at him. "Oh?"

"How much did they tell you?" Greg asks.

"Most of it, I think. They played the video of me in Congress." Truly a horrific experience to watch. Tom thought he'd known what the depths of self-loathing felt like, but he'd discovered brand new levels as he watched himself stumble over even the simplest questions.

"'You can't make a tomlette without breaking some greggs'," Greg quotes, almost to himself, and Tom laughs a bit.

"Yeah, I guess we really are friends. And apparently also partners in crime." He looks Greg up and down. "Really wouldn't have thought it of you, to be honest."

"Me either." Greg hesitates. "It, uh... It wasn't that fun actually. 0/10, don't recommend."

Tom snorts. "Where were you eight months ago."

"Sitting in your office while you threw me into the 'death pit', actually," Greg says, making air quotes around 'death pit'.

"Sorry." Tom does actually feel bad, even though he doesn't remember it. It feels kind of shitty, knowing that he pulled this kid into this and then fucked it up so royally.

It makes him wonder... what else he might've fucked up. He takes a long drink, and then asks, "Am I a good boss?"

Greg side-eyes him for a very long time, saying nothing.

"Well?"

Greg looks at his drink, and takes a deep breath. "Um. Well. You know."

"Yeah, that's not very promising."

"I mean. You got me mixed up in a criminal conspiracy. Also once I tried to transfer departments and you pelted me with water bottles."

"I what?" That seems beyond the pale.

"Yeah. There's a video, actually. Someone else took it."

Shit, so it was public. "Yeah, not sure I want to watch any more videos of myself right now."

"Sure.”

There’s another long silence, but it’s… companionable. He’s staring down the barrel of a loaded gun with this prison thing, but he trusts Greg, inexplicably, if only because he’s put the guy through the wringer and yet he still seems to genuinely care about Tom.

Another thought pops into his head - a possible missing puzzle piece in whatever is going on with Greg.

“Hey, did we ever… You know?”

“What?” Greg’s brow furrows in confusion.

“Like….” Tom really hopes he’s reading this right, because it has the possibility to go colossally sideways if he isn’t. Still. He trusts Greg, he thinks. “Like, do we ever… mess around?”

Greg’s entire body goes stiff. Shit. Fuck. “No- no we haven’t- like we’ve never- you’re married to my cousin.”

“Yeah, but it’s an open marriage so- you know- I just thought maybe- yeah, never mind.” There’s panic racing through Tom, and he tries to hide it as he gauges Greg’s reaction.

Greg looks a little surprised. “Oh. I, um- I didn’t know about the open marriage. It kind of explains a lot.”

He doesn’t say anything else, but he doesn’t make any move to get up or leave either, and slowly Tom’s heart rate comes down.

“I didn’t- I didn’t actually know you, um. That you were into guys,” Greg says softly.

“If you tell anyone-“ Tom’s starts threateningly. He’s not stupid, he knows the workplace culture here - but Greg is shaking his head.

“No, dude, of course not. I wouldn’t- I get it.” Greg hesitates, his fingers toying with the edge of his glass. “I, like- I’m into guys, too.” His cheeks are a bit red, and he doesn’t meet Tom’s gaze.

“Oh.” Tom processes this for a moment. “… Did I know that?”

“No. I don’t think so, anyways.” Greg pauses. “I mean, you did - a couple of weeks ago you did tell me that you’d castrate and marry me in a heartbeat. But I kind of figured that was a prison breakdown thing.”

“I said- for fuck’s sake. I really am an asshole, aren’t I.”

“I mean.. yeah, but I think that whole thing was part of a whole other thing about- Nero and Sporus? Do you…?” Greg trails off looking at Tom expectantly, but Tom shakes his head. Nero and Sporus. He’s going to have to google that later.

Tom takes a second to process. Suddenly, he becomes keenly aware of Greg pressed up against him. He hasn’t moved since they started this conversation.

He turns it over and over in his head. He’s got an open marriage that Shiv asked for. He’s got this friend - inexplicably - who he is apparently just friends with, despite the constant texts and the emails (which Tom started reading on his way in this morning), but who he would apparently castrate and marry in a heartbeat… platonically? Who is sitting here with him under his desk even though Tom has been an utter dickwad to him for about eight months.

And who he trusts. It’s not just the texts and the emails and the cruises debacle - there’s something deeper, like a sense memory, which tells him he can trust Greg. Trust is not something he feels easily. Maybe he’s just feeling overwhelmed, and Greg is an easy anchor - but he thinks that maybe. Maybe it’s more than that.

Slowly - infinitesimally slowly - and without looking at Greg, he reaches over and places his right hand on Greg’s left knee.

Greg doesn’t move for a long moment, and Tom is about to snatch his hand back and apologize when suddenly he feels a warm pressure on his hand. He flicks his eyes over and sees Greg’s hand overtop of his. Tom lets go of Greg’s knee and curls his fingers around Greg’s hand, so that they’re sitting there holding hands. Under his desk, Tom thinks, suddenly aware of the absurdity.

He feels Greg shift, and he can feel Greg’s eyes on him. He takes a second to gather his courage, then he turns so that his eyes meet Greg’s.

There’s a split-second where they stare at each other, anticipation hanging in the air between them, and then Tom lets go of Greg’s hand and - before he can chicken out - reaches up to take Greg’s hand and pull it down towards him, hoping that this isn’t going to turn out to be the stupidest thing he’s ever done. His worries vanish almost immediately, though, when Greg crashes into him with an almost puppyish enthusiasm, and then the next thing Tom knows Greg is straddling his lap, his drink forgotten, one hand braced by Tom’s head under the desk and the other travelling up and down his side until it lands on his waist. The kiss is messy and passionate; Tom slides one hand around to the back of Greg’s head and one arm around his midriff, holding him there, and it feels so comfortable and familiar - it feels like home.

Eventually, Greg pulls back for air, and Tom can’t help but laugh at him, albeit fondly; Greg’s face breaks into a stupid goofy grin.

“Are you sure we haven’t done this before?” Tom asks.

“I think I’d probably remember that,” Greg answers, and Tom chuckles to himself.

He doesn’t want to leave it there, but they are under his desk still, and it’s - he checks his watch - 10am, and there’s a lot to do today. Plus - he doesn’t really know this Greg guy, not yet, and he’s always considered himself a gentleman, so it feels wrong to do anything else before they’ve even gone on a date.

“I think we need to get to work,” Tom says, and Greg’s face drops just a little, but he pulls himself to his feet. “Hey- help me up,” Tom adds, snapping his fingers, and Greg grabs his hands and pulls him to his feet.

“Okay. I need you to run me through everything we’re working on, which will probably take all day. And then,” he pauses significantly to throw Greg a glance, “I’m taking you out tonight.” Greg’s whole face lights up immediately at that.

“Okie dokie,” he says, rubbing his hands together, and then he walks over to Tom’s filing cabinet and pulls it open. “Where do you want to start?”

#fic #tomgreg #Tom Wambsgans #Greg Hirsch #asks #anon #I had so much fun writing this actually

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benophieweek · 11 months

Note

Hey there. So, you’re not going to like me for this and you might as well block me. But I really think it was wrong to post hate towards Pen on the Twitter account for Benophie week. And if it was a joke, it was not a well-intentioned one. I’ve seen Benophie stans attack people for less.

I’m not going to tell you how to feel about Polin. If you hate them, you hate them. Nor will I tell you how to run your personal accounts, but that one is supposed to be about Benophie and to celebrate their story. Believe it or not, there are many polin fans that also love AOFAG and liked/retweet/reblog content. So many people are fans of multiple couples and it really sucks to see hate towards any of them. I would be fuming if the Philoise account would have posted hate towards Sophie in their week.

I can’t wait for Benophie. You must know for my AO3 stories and posts here that Benophie is my no.1. I've read so many of your fics and left comments to tell you how much I love them. But it's like being a Benophie fan has to be a Polin hater and I'm sick of it.

Anyway, I still have one more fic for this week and I’m very excited to share it with everyone.

Hi…

Okay I’m gonna apologise for what happened yesterday.

I hadn’t realised I was on that account when I posted what I now realise was a bad joke.

I am juggling two accounts at the moment and a whole host of shit is going in my personal life and I’m Fucking struggling…

My husband has Covid and I’m in the very early stages of pregnancy (6weeks)… I hadn’t planned to tell anyone yet and it’s not an excuse but my brain is fucked and I’m suffering badly from morning sickness so as you can imagine I’m exhausted beyond belief

As I’m still working TWO jobs and doing this and very nearly cancelled benophie week because I’m so Fucking done in.

But I wanted to keep Benophie week going despite all this going on.

I am running this alone.

The other weeks to my knowledge have multiple people running the accounts, doing everything but this is just me…

And I’m very nearly broken.

I’m not making excuses. This is the truth

It was a mistake. It was meant as a joke but I can see now how people may have taken it.

I liked RMB but I am not a fan of the show Polin. That is me. That’s just how I feel.

This account is for Benophie week and welcomes all people

And I know I should not have tweeted that but like I said, it was the wrong account.

That also being said… the fucking abuse I got…

Was uncalled for.

The threats… just no.

I have never sent hate or abuse to someone for their opinion. I would never do that.

You do not have to be Polin hater to be here. You do not have to be a Benophie lover to be here… but if you send me hate. If you actively send a person threats…

Then you have no space in this fandom.

I am an advocate of live and let ship and I need to remember that

So anyone who took offense to my bad joke yesterday. I am sorry.

It wasn’t meant to cause offense.

It also wasn’t meant to come from that account. I will do my best to be more careful but I am only human… who is growing another human at the moment…

So please bare with me.

And I hope we can all enjoy the rest of Benophie week together.

#benophie week

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dark-muse-iris · 2 years

Text

It's National Suicide Prevention Month and I've just got to say a few words of honesty as a seasonally suicidal gal:

The first thing I won't do is post hotline numbers. Some I personally know called and didn't get any help from them. A lot of the helplines can do intake and emergencies, sure, but the referral process and long-term preventative care are so hard to get, especially in the United States where insurance companies often put hard limits on the number of times you can reach out for any help. It has gotten worse in recent years, as you may expect. The waiting list can be several months. What then? So if you're trying to help, don't throw that hotline number at a random person thinking that's going to solve anything for them. You're better off giving cash. Money can solve a lot of problems that lead to suicide. Nothing made me think "Maybe I CAN make it!" harder than a pay raise, tax refund, or found money buried in a depression pile of laundry.

I'm also not going to share a lot of soft and sappy performative BS like "check in with your friends who you normally don't talk to." As one who has been chronically ill with suicidal ideations for nearly a decade, I don't want people to only reach out in September to check if I'm dead or not. In my view, finality has both logic and closure and no one should look down on you for trying to find meaning at your lowest point while marinating in a sea of chaos with no answers and no help.

"Friends" who only reach out every September to say "I was just thinking about you, how are you" and never reach out any other time of the year while you're publicly announcing all the warning signs can fuck right off. That approach to "support" can make coping with this struggle worse. Pretend-supporters do not belong in your immediate circle--ever. I've met many who pretended to care about suicide and depression then did everything to never talk about how I got there. Suicidal people get told every year, every crisis, to ask for help when they're hurting, but so many are not equipped for that shit whatsoever or, worse, they don't care to learn. Friends/family who are only there for the good times and run at any discomforting talk of the human experience are worthless as supporters. Again, they're better off giving money.

I'm definitely not going to say "don't be selfish, suicide is selfish" because I've lived years where I was so broken and sick I had to have a caretaker. I thought a lot about how selfless death would be for that person who helped get me out of bed and fed me when that didn't make sense. I thought about how it would give them their life back. The only "selfish" part of that thinking was that I didn't ask how they felt at the time. I was too mired in my own hurt to see anyone else.

I have always believed that suicide occurs where the resources don't meet the needs. In the mind of the one who suffers, the cost of living is too great to endure. And that cost could be one we personally pay or our family pays when they try to reach us. Despite all the insane challenges we've faced in recent years, I still see a lot of people saying they hope things get better and then not do a damn thing to meet any of those needs for people they love.

We all need to consider that perhaps a whole lot of people talk a lot of shit to make themselves feel good enough to sleep at night, and do little else. When I see a half-hearted message from someone who I know doesn't care enough to have a real conversation, I imagine them taking a "I'm a good person, really" vitamin before bedtime. Performative charity is a soma we should have stamped out years ago and haven't. That's why I'm making this post.

So I'm gonna share the two main reasons why I haven't killed myself yet, in the hopes this will be a greenlight or shared camaraderie moment for someone else:

One more day. I always plan something for the next day that I want to do alone. Therapists, including mine, emphasize the importance of keeping peers around who will tether you to living, but I think people are fickle and often unreliable in crisis. Can I count on them when I'm at my worst? Ehhhh, I don't always like those odds honestly. Many of my pals are suicidal at the same time and those chats are interesting. So I plan fun solo shit that's just for me, that I would enjoy doing even if I'm completely abandoned by everyone who ever claimed to love me. That can be art, a TV series, video game, a new passion, hobbies--ANYTHING. It can be strange or niche or wasteful looking to outside eyes too. Outside eyes who haven't been in your shoes don't matter. They. Don't. Matter. The only thing that matters is that you'll get to enjoy that thing if you hang for one more day. If you ignore someone to get that itch scratched and it pisses them off, see #1.

Spite. That's right, pure spite, bitch! Did I gamify my life and turn it into the hardest quest ever? Yes. In some fucked way, it's working better than therapy. What gets me out of the bed is knowing that somewhere I've outlived an enemy, perhaps an asshole who thinks bi people are closeted gays who just dress this way for attention. I think about how some of the evangelical cultists who made my life hell years ago died during COVID. I smile knowing I got to hear the birds sing another season than they did. I chuckle thinking about how I earned a bigger paycheck than the judgy bat in my office who looked down on me for not having any kids. Trust me, there's always going to be a reason to celebrate making it another day if you're petty enough and got the loot. Live another day, level your gear, build a better raid party, and then who knows? You could be a villain with great hair who writes these posts and didn't sleep on it first. What are your enemies gonna do, tell you to drop dead? I'd rather watch one get so angered by me they pop a blood vessel in their eye. Then I'll paint a watercolor of it.

I spent the last 2 years throwing myself into these approaches and you know what happened? The people around me thought I was actually getting better and not still casually suicidal at my work desk LOL! I buried more family than anyone else I know, lost thousands of dollars, got more ill trying to weather all that. Where's the off-switch? The ground has never looked more fertile for a gravestone, so I stopped thinking about the long-term hope that was always unattainable. I'm not rich or connected enough to think past a few years lol. Inflation made sure of that, so I lived for the next hour like I was fifteen and regressed back to a mouthy little shit again. Surprisingly, I lost depression weight, smiled more, slept better, etc. all because I thought, "Man, I can't wait to outlive these fuckers. If another senator who voted against fair housing gets COVID, I'm buying myself a milkshake."

Anyways, I may regret rambling this hard but I hope it reaches someone who also hates September online. My algo started showing all the aesthetics posts urging suicidal people to somehow bootstrap dystopian conditions and live for a better future like we're in the post-war era again. You know, the one: "Just call the hotline from this monetized diagram I made in Canva, bestieeeeeee." *bats eyelashes* It just--it reeks of Lifetime exceptionalism that's out of reach for many incomes and not a single one of us with depression or chronic conditions plan on shouldering "hope," that ever elusive bitch. If I see a bedazzled hotline list again this year, I'm gonna barf--and maybe make a watercolor of it.

#cursed night thoughts #iris rambles

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