#i just feel like shit and like im self-sabotaging in the name of self-care

[veeaziel]

it sucks and kinda hurts to not be able to effectively express the feeling of wanting a partner or relationship when you want it just for the experience of true companionship and affection. Because that kinda behavior is mostly associated with romantic relationships, even when your culture is naturally affectionate. But yea, it's hard. Especially when you've grown up being perceived as intimidating, or quiet, or serious, so even your friendships have a certain degree of separation that everyone abides to. Especially when you get unnecessarily emotional about it when it comes up in conversation, even though it's rare for it to happen. Sometimes you just want to be held, but you don't feel like you can ask, even if your friends are willing.

#veeaziel rants #particularly in my feelings today #the whole week actually #i just feel like shit and like im self-sabotaging in the name of self-care #college and family matters certainly aint helping either

[thecameronchronicles]

Self Sabotage

TW: Dark(ish) Rafe. Language. Smut. Cheating. 

SUMMARY: Rafe is determined to have you to himself, even if his methods are bound to be unorthodox…

WORD COUNT: 1300

*Requested*

Self Sabotage

"I don't know about this, Rafe..." The words left your mouth as your eyes and body denied their validation. In truth, you never wanted to act on these feelings you had for him as they were crafted strictly out of lust. And yet, you simply had no choice as your body betrayed you whenever he was near. The way his cologne reminded you of his close proximity, his voice speaking your name in both moans of pleasure and addressing you as if you were indifferent to him, and finally, the graze of his fingers and the promise of the release they had offered so many times before. 

But this was different. He was pulling you just beyond the line of sight from the party where only a corner had separated you from any pair of eyes that could easily come upon you. But the reasons you couldn't be seen weren't because you were opposites, as the truth was, you couldn't have been more alike. Instead, it was because you had avowed monogamy to others. You had both been titled boyfriend and girlfriend to others, and yet, always found your way back here, like this. 

The first time it happened had been a drunken mistake after a fight with those same significant others. You both felt guilty and agreed never to speak of it. But it quickly became a habit and even an addiction, which brought you to tonight. He couldn't stand watching someone else show you off just as you couldn't watch the ditz of a girl wrapped around him, kissing the curve of his neck that wore your lips just hours prior. And to make matters worse, he would always look at you shamelessly with those soft eyes somehow perpetually intimidating. It was as frustrating as it was confusing, but always mended by the high of that promising and fulfilling orgssm. 

"I've got you, sweetheart...just like I always do, yeah?" He pressed you into the side of the house, lifting your leg around his waist, until he lifted you to rely on his grip. 

"God, I love your ass..." He teased upon squeezing it. 

"Fits so perfect..." He nibbled on your neck, a line drawn with his tongue before his hands now rose to your chest. 

"Rafe-" 

"Can't tell me you don't want it, I can feel how wet you are through your swimsuit..." He taunted as you blushed, a side effect of always being in his presence. 

"You're always so eager for me, aren't you? She makes me take her out to dinner and shit and never actually puts out. Never goes down on me and takes hours to come-if we do anything…But you’re so much more…always ready and willing…" 

"Rafe..." 

"It's okay, it's a compliment to you. You make it so easy to want you...I always fucking want you..." The reminder of him being with someone else always stung, especially as her perfume always lingered as your guilt should have. But the way his hands always accepted your figure in that desperate need had always left you forgiving him in ways he didn't deserve. 

"What the fuck, Rafe!?" A voice called from behind him as he let out a sigh. You pushed him off of you immediately, trying to fix your swimsuit as his girlfriend had found you. Tears behind her heavily made up eyes, she cursed at him with every name under the sun before turning to face you. 

"And you! You are nothing but a whore and a slut! The only reason he is giving you the time of day is BECAUSE you're easy!" She turned back to Rafe. 

"Is THIS what you wanted me to see? Why you sent me the text saying this was SO important?!" Your eyes narrowed at him. He wanted this. He planned this. He wanted to get caught. 

"Im-" He didn't even try and apologize, he simply stood with acceptance to the relationship meeting its end before he then turned back towards you. 

"You realize that she isn't going to just go on and live her life, Rafe...She is going to tell my boyfriend amd-" 

"I don't care anymore-" 

"I do!" 

"If you cared THAT much about him, why do you always let me do this?" He asked upon pushing you to the side of the house once more, this time, battling that damned grin before his hands descended your frame. 

"And why do you let me touch you here? Isn't that a place only HE should be able to touch?" 

"Rafe, stop-" 

"Stop?" He chuckled. "If you want me to stop, if you didn't want this, then why are you so fucking wet for me? I'll tell you-" His hand was on your jaw as he pinned you harder against the wall, his other hand working off his pants. 

"Please, Rafe-" He ignored your pleas. 

"Because it should be us. And now, it can be." 

"No-stop it!" 

"If you loved him, you wouldn't let me make you come. You wouldn't let me do the things I do to you....and you wouldn't like it-And if he was doing right by you, you wouldn't need to come to me. So stop playing the Saint here and take my cock like you always have so then after we can make this right?" 

"Make it right?" 

He nodded. "It's only fair that since she found out, so after you're dripping with me, you're gonna go to him and tell him you're done. Or so help me, I'll take you to thay party right now and fuck you in front of all of them." 

"Please-" 

"Don't think I will?" He began to move you to the direction of the party as you pleaded with such desperation that he paused. Instead, he would turn you to face the beach, the only sense of relief having been the grip you were able to make on the banister before you. 

"Fuck-" He breathed, now inside of you, as your fingers wrapped tighter on the Bannister. 

"That's my girl...tight and wet just for me-all for me like this-" 

"Stop, please!"

He pulled you up against him by a grip around your neck as he took you deeper onto the railing. "The only time I'm gonna stop is to have you suck the cum off of me when I've made you cream on it. " He grinned wickedly to your body tensing to his words. 

"But for now, you're gonna take it-Right here, right fucking now-" He began his paces, cruel and self centered for his own pleasure as he built built his cusp with limited care for your own. At least for a time before his fingers finally wrapped around your hip and onto your clit. 

But once again, he was anything but loving. He had a mission and he seemed too invested within its pinnacle to cease even as you begged. Even as tears began to pour down your cheeks, he would continue. Even as you trembled, he followed through. And even as you came, he continued to ram into you from behind until he had had enough. 

"Now let's go." 

"Rafe, please." 

"You said the reason we couldn't be together was because of them, because you didn't want to hurt them. I've done my part for us...now you're gonna do yours. Or I mean it, I'll fuck you so he can watch so he knows all the faces he could never make you make..." He slapped a hand to your ass as he continued, "You're out of excuses. Let's go!" Hardly able to adjust your attire, left disheveled by him, he would make good on his words as you were forced to end that stable relationship and enter into one with Rafe, who was anything but the aforementioned…

Taglist: @hopebaker @iovdrew @penny4yourthoughts @magnificantmermaid @pickingviolets @lovedetlost @trikigirl271 @my-baexht-ls @slut4starkey @slvtherinseeker @obxiskewl @obxxrxfes @bluesongbird @slut-era @ailee-celeste @rafesbae

[nyxi-pixie]

BUCKLE UP BASTARDS THE CLOWN CAR IS IN GO MODE

ok i KNOW im reaching here dont tell me but

is it too out of line to say that will looking to mike for how to deal w snowball girl lowkey parallels mike looking to will for how to deal with el😭😭😭

like (sorry in advance for shit gifs i made them in like 5 mins flat okay)

oh dear a crisis! how should we respond to this woman???? we dont know😟😟

ah a masterplan has formed i shall take advice from my best bropal!!

that worked so well i will now follow said advice only bc they gave it to me while they look sadly on bc theyve just fucked over their own chances in the name of doing what they think is best for me (and/or others)😁😁😁

and obviously these scenarios vary A FUCK TON in how serious they are. like obviously els like straight up passing away so thats yk a lil more high stakes. but like reaction wise???

thats. they. they just naturally respond to each others 'wtf do i do' moments by reassuring each other. which is so🥰 i love them theyre so attuned to each other

BUT ALSO they react by encouraging each other to pursue straight relationships. bc when it comes to their feelings for each other theyre both fucking stupid but also very self sacrificial. obviously we see this more with will. bc like. ofc we do that boy fr hates himself like

this man is fully ready to throw out every chance possible w mike to keep the milkvan on the road. (hes literally their mechanic. like without him it wld have fully exploded and all the mouldy milk wouldve just gone all over the road and probably really screwed up the local ecosystem. ok the van analogy is going too far im so sorry back on topic.) and i think this Is definitely motivated by a care for mike and a genuine want for him to be happy (no matter who he finds that happiness with) But i think its also important to realise that mike isnt the only one with internalised homophobia.

wills insistence on mike loving el despite the fact that mike has implied otherwise to wills face several times kinda shows that wills mindset on this is partially based in the whole "he Needs to stay in his safe straight relationship bc otherwise i would have a chance (in that mike wouldnt be restrained by having a gf and thus wld be able to date other people) and that would just be so terrible and awful"

and we literally see him do this. mike is going to this man basically being like 'omg our relationship is so broken i dont think we can come back from this fight Will!! u Definitely shldnt tell me to break up w her or anything that would be so crazyyy😁😁(PLS TELL ME TO BREAK UP W HER PLS I DONT LOVE HER)' and wills just like "🙃😁yeah um u can tell her u love her when we see her again😁😁😥😥😥😥😥😥"

like i know we joke abt will being the reason melvin are together. but. he literally is. bc mike honestly seems (n maybe this is just my insane delulu interpretation) like he wants to break up w her and was looking for support on that decision from will. and els on her slay arc which is why she doesnt give a singular shit abt mikes cringe monologue. will fr the only one invested in microdickvan because hes Intentionally Sabotaging his chances w mike.

which brings me to the actual fucking parallel bc MIKE DOES THE SAME FUCKING THING AT THE SNOWBALL. he pushes will into accepting a dance w a girl bc then he doesnt have to keep thinking abt how He wants to dance w will. (and we know he does bc he and dustin are sat there with Identical 'my crush is dancing w someone else😥' faces. so like. rip to mike but his very intelligent foolproof plan of not thinking abt dancing w will absolutely flopped)

anyway both of them have the exact same 'if i push bestie into relationships w women then i will magically resolve my gay feelings and not have to confront them' mindset. i think people forget that will Does sabotage himself a lot just bc we always talk abt mikes internalised issues. like will canonically thinks of himself as a mistake and thinks he deserves to get treated like shit🙃🙃🙃

anyway this kind of makes the whole shit writing point of making will the 'sad gay boy pushing for the love of his life to have a happy straight relationship' make sense in a way that isnt totally awful. the diffused shitbags could never.

#byler #listen. this was not supposed to be this long #i just wanted to make a joke abt how the snowball and the monlogue are lowkey similar #and then i got sad abt the internalised homophobia leading to fucking urself over thing #its just #ouch #mike wheeler is gay #he literally is are u going to disagree with me #speaking of disagreeing i lowkey wanna know what u guys think of this bc im totally pulling it out of my ass but like??? #i dont think its totally baseless #so #mike wheeler i know what you are #i swear so much jfc proof reading this was wild sorry abt that one guys its important for emphasis

[alexandraswords]

F*CK NORMAL

An overdue ending to a (un)well decorated drinking career.

Introduction

Friday, June 9, 2023 9:28 AM

Today is one of those days where I am just tired, and a bit bored, but mostly tired. I am exhausted. Mentally at least. I have really been putting my all into my sobriety to the point where my day revolves around meetings but im starting to lose momentum. I have a headache, the dog wont stop barking, i'm trying to pop the zits on my face. Basically being alone with my discontented ass self is not something I'm great at... yet.

I should meditate or journal or text another AA member. But I just want to sleep and be normal and relax. But fuck normal.

I thought drinking was normal. I thought my diet of vodka and water and the occasional box of cheez-its was adulting. I thought I was mature and well refined and socially acceptable because I drank, just like everyone else, because, you know, drinking is normal... right?

Wrong. Not for me. I am NOT normal. So I have to do abnormal shit to keep my addictive eating disordered alcoholic riddled ass self sober and happy. I have to keep listening to other people because me making my own decisions landed me in a crack den sharing a room with a friend I would consider a sibling, whom which a fought with constantly to the point where I dragged the mattress from our third floor apartment (if you consider that uninhabitable shit hole, an apartment) down out side below out kitchen window so if I jumped maybe the universe would send me a sign saying that it is or isn't time yet. Okay so I didn't actually do that, but I sure as shit thought about it... a lot. Like a lot. I mean i couldn't even barely walk to the bathroom let alone haul some shit down the stairs. Hell, I wouldn't even walk across the street to get my own liquor. I would bribe my roommate by telling him if he went for me and took my card he could buy something for myself. I just didn't care anymore. I hated everything. I hated that I had to be loaded to be able to walk because my shakes were so bad. I hated that I had to drink to even feel sober and functional and not hallucinate and vomit and dry heave bright green bile. And worst of all I hated that I had lost control.

My eating disorder and my alcoholism made my reality disappear. The food temporarily until my life became a cage, and the nicest word I can think of to name it would be a vomitorium because it was actually that repulsive if you could see inside the walls of it. The alcohol took control over me so I didn't have to deal with food, but also made it so I didn't worry or care about ANYTHING. 

So I guess this is how I'm going to start this ... whatever rant of words form a book. Where I'm at right now. Because right now is all I have. Yes, I am in full self pity mode, but if there's one thing I've learned from AA it's that I need to take action, and never have I ever felt worse after going to a meeting. So,lets go fucking make our bed, and meditate or some shit and get ready for today. So, yeah, Fuck Normal.

So, Why the fuck not?

I got most talkative in fifth grade. The english section of my English SAT’s, I aced. People (my boyfriend) seem to like my writing and have told me If I don’t do something with it, then they’ll publish it themselves… which I’m pretty sure falls into the lines of plagiarism but lets be honest here. I am probably one of the biggest procrastinators when it comes to doing something that is actually good for me. Why? The fuck if I know. Maybe because all I’ve known has been chaos and panic since, like,  forever, that when it comes to the real things, like happiness and joy and pride in work that I’VE DONE… well, I'm just not used to that type of thing.  But I figured, fuck it. I can write a book. All i have to do is elaborate on how awesome I am at self sabotaging and add in some very few lessons I picked up and am still learning day by day. Basically I’ve decided its time to just put all my shit in one bound piece of parchment instead of having to explain my life story to everyone as if its my first day with a new therapist. 

But alas, melodramatic Alex is bored and avoiding meditating, to keep her shit together and be healthier, obviously,  because that would actually be beneficial to my well being. So for now i’ll just throw it in one of the corners in the back of my mind while it slowly simmers into a pot of anxiety attack soup while I try and explain to you (briefly before the pot starts boiling) how fucking insanely delusionally fantastically fucked my life is, and how I got here, and why I wouldn’t change one second of it for anything. But I mean, there’s forwards and shit in books right? So can this be like a PS after the main intro forward? ‘Cause This sober bitch has to go meditate before a meeting so I can stay mindful in my sobriety and not add homicide to my list of criminal activities. (That was a joke) So for now, just for today, Namaste Sober. 

P.P.S- enjoy the buffet of garbage that hopefully is not similar to mine. But if you can and most likely will relate if you’re reading this (most likely because my clever title struck a chord in your twisted little heart) then just know, you're not alone in this shit show, but no one ever really puts the shit show on the ‘gram now do they?

#sobriety #clean and sober #addiction recovery #sobercommunity

[shai-manahan]

OK OK OK CALM DOWN CALM DOWN THIS IS NOT AM EMERGENCY BUT I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW JUST HOW MUCH I LOVE YOUR WRITING AND IF LIKE- ????? THE WAY YOU DESCRIBE THINGS IS SO BEAUTIFUL AND OMG THAT NIGHTMARE SCENE IS GIVING ME NIGHTMARES THE MORE I THINK ABOUT IT SO I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU THAT I ABSOLUTELY LOVE YOUR WORK AND HOW GLAD IM THAT YOU DECIDED TO BRING IT TO LIFE- SO KEEP IT UP AND PLEASE TAKE CARE YOUR HEALTH AS WELL 👍👍👍👍👍👍

also i have a few theories about our MC if you don't mind-

1. so... as i played through the nightmare scene for the 9th time in a row to fully relish the horror and trauma, i realized that our dear (but unfortunate) MC must have gone through something MUCH MUCH worse than merely watching their father get oofed off by their mother 🤔🤔🤔 because i once read somewhere that if someone experiences like a really bad traumatic experience their brain will instinctively suppress their memories and lock them away to protect the person from getting anymore affected and also to give them a sense of normality? dunno about that our brains can be really mysterious sometimes, which brings me to my second theory

2. OK OK OK i know this may sound crazy and also scientifically inaccurate, but i think MC has some sort of Dissociative disorder? i mean- how do you explain their sudden black out from their home to their journey all the way to Bale's territory and the bar? or maybe im just overthinking it and perhaps its somehow related to the hallucinations and the syringes that have been emphasized over multiples times in the demo

3. why do i feel our MC is being drugged with something 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔 or maybe something happened before or after the incident with their father otherwise why would Alex act so sus, Vincent too, YALL TOO SUS

and so ends my theory spree as i have exhausted my remaining two brain cells to make SOME kind of sense and connection through this whole theory thing

ALSO ALSO ALONZO WHY DO I HAVE A FEELING I WRONGED YOU SOMEHOW AND SOMEWHERE AND IF I DID IM SO SORRY -

which puts me to my next question, i wonder why our MC just offed 11 of their coworkers 🤔 corruption maybe? whatever the case Is, it still doesn't excuse bernard (or whatever his name is, he's a jerk) for acting like the lil piece of poop he is, to both us and finn cause oh boy imma bout to throw hands (you better sleep with one eye open you lil shit)

ALSO ALSO ALSO MORE WESLEY LORE YAY omg now i feel kinda conflicted rn like i still wanna sock that lil bastard for exposing us but i feel kinda pity for him too, also that wholesome moment between them was so cute if not for the current angsty situation, but i guess i'll them off with one good bish slap on the face for the whole expose before listening to their side of the story

and now finally, after going through your whole blog i realized that we have a hidden mental health stat- lol my mc is gonna be one helluva self sabotaging half depressed boi bu the end of this IF 😂

SORRY FOR THE EXTREMELY LONG RANT / ASK I WAS JUST TOO EXCITED AFTER PLAYING THE WHOLE DEMO AGAIN OVER 9 TIMES BEFORE FINALLY FEELING SATISFIED- IM SORRY 😭😅

Oh that is long, but don't be sorry! I love seeing long messages like this 😌And I’m so glad you love the story to this extent 😭

First of all, so there'll be no misunderstandings, I want to make it clear that what the MC is going through isn't exactly a dissociative disorder, although there is some degree of disassociation happening. I can't explain further because it's a very huge spoiler, but not everything they've been experiencing can be solely attributed to the level of trauma and other related occurrences that DID patients often went through before being diagnosed. It's a little... different.

This does not mean, however, that the MC has no repressed memories 😔 If you look carefully, there are actually some more hints spread throughout the demo, although some of them are hidden behind certain routes. A lot are in Chapter 2, though. Anyway, the revelations relating to it won’t be the focus of Book 1, but there will be a lot more clues in the future.

And yeah, I'm afraid Alex and Vincent will continue to be sus all the way.

YALL TOO SUS

ah but I wouldn’t have done my job right if they’re not sus :)))

why do i feel our MC is being drugged with something 🤔

🤔🤔🤔

ALSO ALSO ALONZO WHY DO I HAVE A FEELING I WRONGED YOU SOMEHOW AND SOMEWHERE AND IF I DID IM SO SORRY

Well, I suppose that depends on the perspective but Alonzo does believe the MC has wronged them haha which is tbh actually valid.

which puts me to my next question, i wonder why our MC just offed 11 of their coworkers 🤔 corruption maybe?

To be fair, I don't think arresting them counts as offing lmao but yeah there's a heavy corruption occurring within the police force and everybody knows it; it's just that most of the people in Gaile cannot do anything to stop it. And don't worry about Bertrand, he already sleeps with one eye open lmaoooo although he does have kind of a huge role (spoiler: he will always be an asshole).

Wesley's reuinion scene, though... if you all think the flashback scene is already conflicting you, well, the reunion might uh.... actually nevermind, I'm not gonna spoil it.

and now finally, after going through your whole blog i realized that we have a hidden mental health stat- lol my mc is gonna be one helluva self sabotaging half depressed boi bu the end of this IF 😂

There are four types of mental health stats in the demo right now, but I'm arranging all the variables in a spreadsheet to see if I've missed anything. I kinda have a lot of them lmfao.

#I LOVE SEEING THEORIES NEVER HOLD BACK PLS #interactive fiction #hollowed minds series #hollowed minds book one #hollowed minds #theories #hollowed minds theories #writing #wip #interactive novel #interactive game #if game #choicescript #dashingdon #hosted games #cscript #cscript game #ask #taconextdoor

[fandomfluffandfuck]

so you've posted a lot about måneskin and other bands of the like but im just wondering - do you have any playlists you'd like to share? like, ones with songs you like or maybe a playlist you listen to while you write. i think it would be interesting seeing what you like to listen to with somewhat of a face to connect your music taste to?? (you're really pretty, by the way) 🫶

I think you'll like this ask

I fucking love love love music so I do post quite a bit about it, lol. Plus, I have thought about doing something like what @ixalit did with sharing all his playlists (that are *chef's kiss,* by the way. I have discovered many songs through those playlists 👀) but my Spotify, that I've had for years, is connected to my actual name that I'm not willing to share on Tumblr with this type of fandom account, lol.

I know I could make another account and transfer my playlists to a fandom specific account, but... that's a lot of work. I don't know if I'll do that, lol. If enough people were interested... maybe?

Besides, I don't really have a single playlist I write to. I just throw on whatever and write. Sometimes, I seek out specifically explicit music when I'm writing smut but usually not. Usually, it's whatever that I was playing the last time I had the app open or whatever I'm feeling that day.

And my music taste is a mess haha, I'm all over the fucking place with music. I think if I had to pin it down, my musical soft spot has always been for heavier sounds. Aggressive, heavy shit like all types of metal, rock, and punk have always appealed to me; they're the sounds I always fall back on. That said, though, I also love all types of other sounds, too. Hip hop, indie, jazz, industrial pop, electronic, etc.

Bands, though, yeah. Goddamn, I love bands! I also follow a ton of individual artists, but there's something about bands.

For my own enjoyment, and hopefully yours as well, some good bands (in no particular order):

Måneskin ("TIMEZONE" gives me major evanstan vibes btw 👀 / "SUPERMODEL" is kind of always stuck in my stuck in my head / "MAMMAMIA" is just 🤌🏻Damiano's moans🤌🏻 so you know it's good)

Fall Out Boy (I'm not even being funny when I say I can't narrow it down to a few songs to recommend. I know their entire discography by heart and have been obsessed since I discovered them. They hold a VERY special place in my heart. If I don't know what I want to listen to, I throw them on. If I need comfort, if I need to wallow in feelings, if I need to celebrate--anything.)

Sleep Token (This band FUCKS and turns on my writers brain in the best way (re: "Take Me Back To Eden") / be careful listening to "Blood Sport" because it's devastating / the music video for "Alkaline" will change you 😮‍💨 / and "Sugar" is way too good)

Royal Blood (I think "Lights Out" was the first song I heard from them, and it still holds up / "Blood Hands" is super good too / also "Honey Brains")

The Damned Things ("Keep Crawling" shouldn't be spicy, but it kinda is to me 😮‍💨 / "Something Good")

Halestorm (oh my god, all of their stuff! Lzzy's voice is unreal! "The Steeple" / "Black Vultuers")

Mother Mother (Again, a band that I know their entire discography by heart. A friend bought me one of their CDs before I knew them, and I've been obsessed since listening through the CD the first time. "Life" is comfort food for your ears, as is "It's Alright." Those songs make me cry or scream, depending on my mood, going into the listen)

Nine Inch Nails (NIN f u c k s . "Head Like A Hole" / "The Hand That Feeds")

Waterparks (I've been listening since Double Dare, their first album, and its been wild to watch them grow. I've gotten too many friends hooked on them too, lmao. "Turbulent" / "Dizzy" / "SELF-SABOTAGE")

YONAKA ("Guilty" makes me want to weep / "Punch Bag" is so good)

Muse ("We Are Fucking Fucked" has been my anthem since it dropped lol / "Won't Stand Down" puts me in my Bucky feelings as does "Psycho," "(Drill Sargeant)," and "Dead Inside")

(Thank you <3)

#asks #personal #thoughts

[voyagerstypewriter]

Monday, October 31st 2022

Ok yeah this hair shit is really fucked up. Like I really fucked up my own shit so bad that I have to hide it from the agency like come now. My shit looks nothing like my normal hair, its hella straight, none of the products make it look like my old hair, I want to wear a hat for a minute. It’s that bad. I want to call Pops but I’m trying to learn to at least wait until he’s off work so I can have his full attention and word. He has a job too, I just have a different schedule for mine. I just now thought about why it was actually really fucking bad. I walked in there, asked for some guy named fucking Brad, when there was a barbershop right next door. That’s why the hair stylist from LA said barbershop… my dumb ass. I can’t lie what is wrong with me for wanting some boogie ass wash and dried hair and have the ends cut like come on man you doing too much. Look what doing too much got you. I made this problem though, and the reality was all the sad, angry, moping attitude was from the fact that ignored tz’s call. I knew this shit was coming. I can’t avoid or try to act like the days wont stop passing.

My bed time routine was… 2AM madden and fall asleep in my bed randomly at 8AM = 6 hours of sleep. That’s why you look crusty as hell.

The self sabotage really is myself.

The person I feel most hurt by is myself.

Every day I wake up I’m judging myself, what I did, my faith, my values, what I think about.

My head feels like its in Formula 1. Being present is a challenge for me.

I never get to feel how I feel because I’m judging if its right to feel the way I feel.

I am really a heart soul inside trying come out from masters whip, THE PERFECT LIFE.

I dream every day about being someone special. Someone looks up to, or is it beneath the surface of who I am that covers up because of the fear of feeling what it would be like. In love with picture not in love with the picking which paint.

I ask myself often if I like myself. Who I am currently. I’m always asking.

I write here and I look at the page and say wow it feels like I didn’t write enough but I got so much out.

I ask myself do I feel trapped?

Not trapped, but I need to reconnect my heart and mind. I have to like myself.

I ask myself what do I do, now that I’m with my agency

If only I knew how many times I check outlook, I always have it open.

It’s like I need to disconnect to reconnect.

In the morning I thought about the fact that I need to just keep the busiest schedule so I can’t think about all this shit so much.

Amuse myself. I do have a lot of time. I ask myself am I using it right? Man video games the biggest love hate.

I said to myself today Money really doesn’t buy happiness.

I also told myself that I don’t love myself enough for someone to love me. Hurt but its true.

I also keep saying that I don’t like New York.. I have the freedom every day to pick what I want to do and I choose not explore New York.

It brings me to battle the question if I’m holding myself back. Or do I like staying inside. Damn what’s the personality test roommate even told me im being introverted. But I just watch football on Sundays.

I think I can finally stop the vomiting. Yes, i’m sad do things to make yourself feel better. Take care of yourself Alexander.

1. Walked to the bodega yesterday with Fields shitty food but its an experience.

2. Grateful for tz at least he got mad, at least he is trying to help. He really is going to be a special person in my life.

3. Playing video games

4. Jake again, I miss Jake a lot he would always let me talk

5. My whiteboard its teaching me I have to keep turning the page.

I’m working on committing to my journal

Why do I not want to go out for Halloween?

- I need makeup for my costume

- I realistically don’t have any moves or asked for any because its fucking Monday

- I don’t really care for Holidays

- I don’t want to drink

- I want to keep my week going.

- Making a better friendship with Amanda

- Hear more about Brazil, meet her friend

- Say I did something for Halloween

- Go outside because I should spend more time outside.

- I don’t want to think about planning my schedule today

- What am I going to feel like at the end of night? Unhappy because I didn’t go? Or happy I didn’t

- I don’t know her and her friend and if she got black out in Milan how am I gonna keep up with her and her friend plus I don’t got no backup

- I want to take a picture for Halloween

I don’t want to go out because I need to buy makeup, I don’t have backup, and I want to keep my week going good.

Thank you journaling Mr. Alexander, best luck on your voyage

[kaizokuou-ni-naru]

The Voyage So Far: Alabasta (Part One)

east blue (1 | 2) || alabasta (1 | 2) || skypiea || water 7 || enies lobby || thriller bark || paramount war (1 | 2) || fishman island || punk hazard || dressrosa (1 | 2) || whole cake island || wano (1 | 2)

(this is a repost, i deleted the first version of it by accident cause im Idiot)

the entry into the grand line is such a great sequence. it feels like such an ending- a triumph after they’ve spent pretty much all of east blue struggling to make it here, and at the same time the beginning of a new adventure, the biggest yet, one that has yet to end a solid two decades later. they all look so happy to have made it here- it makes me smile.

whiskey peak is one of my very favorite short arcs, and i think of the whole first half of the baroque works saga its the one that hits and maintains a tone best (almost certainly because its so short, admittedly, but still). i love the repeated shots of the moon, the reveal that the cactuses are actually covered in graves, the way everything seems far too good to be true at the start and the sense of suspense that creates.

zoro’s extended fight scene in whiskey peak is so great- it’s so creative and so dynamic and the odds are stacked so high against him and yet he’s clearly having so much fun. i do miss this sort of scrappy, improvised fight, cause its largely absent from later one piece but its SO much fun to read- zoro cutting holes in rooftops for people to fall through or shoving ladders to the ground as bounty hunters try to climb them.

i’m a huge fan of fight scenes that use the environment to their fullest, and this is such a perfect example of it. it makes the fight feel a lot more real and exciting, in my opinion.

i’ve never liked zoro and luffy fighting at whiskey peak, its always struck me as frustrating and contrived and kind of out of character for both of them, but i will say that i do like how on the same page they are even when they’re trying to kill each other.

the entire first half of the baroque works saga basically serves to introduce and endear us to vivi so we’ll be invested in the alabasta conflict, and that starts here in whiskey peak, when we get our first glimpse of her actual personality rather than the act she was putting on as miss wednesday, when she bites her lip hard enough to bleed in order not to break down at igaram’s apparent death.

watching robin’s actions with the added context of later one piece is one of the great joys of rereading alabasta. she does a fantastic job of appearing to be crocodile’s most dedicated and capable and dangerous employee while quietly but consistently sabotaging his efforts; saving luffy, sparing pell, sparing igaram, not telling crocodile anything about the strawhats despite meeting them here at the very start of the saga.

little garden has some really cool and striking panels that really put the scale of things on the island, the dinosaurs and giants alike, into perspective, and i love it.

i’m a huge fan of the depth of in-universe lore one piece has. just having little details like this, quotes from books written in-universe, go so far towards making the world feel like a real and wondrous place with mysteries to be solved and details to be uncovered.

i still think sanji is firmly at his best when he’s being a sneaky bastard, and i will never cease to be delighted by how thoroughly he manages to fuck crocodile over with nothing but a phone and some quick thinking not once but twice.

i really like dorry and brogy! for minor characters who’ve only appeared in one relatively minor and inconsequential arc so far, they’re not only very fun and memorable but also leave a hell of an impact on the story, not only in usopp’s new dream of eventually visiting elbaf but also in how they and their crew just keep coming up, first in enies lobby and then even further down the line in dressrosa and whole cake island.

i’m really excited for when we eventually get to reach elbaf, because this plot thread has been so thoroughly and subtly built up over such a long time that i can’t wait to see how it ends.

this is one of my favorite little moments to really drive home how much the strawhats care about each other. they all fell asleep on the floor rather than leave nami alone.

the whole introductory scene to drum is a really good summary of who vivi is as a person and how she contrasts with luffy, and it’s something i’ve written extensively about in a past meta. here ill just settle for saying, vivi is chronically selfless, and always the sort of person to sacrifice herself for others, and these traits which save the strawhats here are the exact same ones that bring her and luffy to blows later on in alabasta.

a good thing to remember when writing characters is that traits aren’t really inherently good or bad, they’re just traits and can have positive or negative consequences depending on the situation, and i think oda is really good at this. vivi’s selflessness, usually a positive thing, becomes reckless self-sacrifice when she’s pushed to her breaking point.

‘kindness begets kindness’ is a pretty consistent theme throughout one piece, though luffy is most often on the other side of it. someone (rebecca, law, tama, etc.) does something for him without really expecting anything in return, and gets paid back a hundred times over. this is a case of the opposite- luffy helps someone offhandedly, and is later saved by their gratitude.

i think luffy wearing his fingers bloody as he climbs the drum rockies is the only time one piece has ever made me cringe back from the page. this sequence is absolutely brutal, and it’s so well-done.

the way luffy decides chopper should be his crewmate is precious, and also reminds me a little of his recruitment of sanji (ironically, given he’s talking to sanji about chopper here). in both cases he sees someone do something good without even really knowing the full extent of their abilities and makes a snap decision that they are awesome and are gonna be part of his crew, no matter what they have to say about it.

i really, really enjoy the way the drum island flashback is set up, with the cutaway right as luffy is about to punch wapol’s lights out. the cut back to that punch finally hitting when the flashback ends is by that point infinitely more satisfying, since you’ve just read chopper’s backstory and therefore have a deep and abiding desire to see wapol eat shit.

hiriluk’s final speech is definitely one of the best and most memorable quotes from one piece, and effectively the crux of one of its biggest themes. one piece is all about inherited will. all of our main cast and a solid percentage of the supporting cast bear the legacy of at least one forebear on their shoulders, from kuina to corazon to otohime. the entire setting of the story is defined by roger’s legacy.

all those people are dead, but they’re sure as hell not forgotten- how can they be, when their legacies are actively shaping the world as a direct result of their lives and influences?

i really, really like the use of flags in one piece. flags are how you declare loyalty or war in equal measure, and flying a pirate flag is a declaration that you’re choosing freedom, come what may, over the laws of the world government. it’s just a really excellent running motif, and a great symbol of what one piece’s definition of piracy means.

this scene is also one of the ones that gets even more extra weight behind it when you know luffy’s full backstory with sabo, which i love.

chopper’s recruitment scene sums up one of the reasons luffy is really great. he just doesn’t care about a lot of things other people would normally take notice of. occasionally that gets him in trouble, but other times it leads to him responding to a situation exactly right, like here. chopper is listing off all his insecurities and reasons he can’t go with the strawhats, and luffy just flat doesn’t care. he wants chopper on his crew and he knows chopper wants to be on his crew, so as far as he’s concerned, there’s no issue at all.

it really is wild that the will of D is named this far back in the story, and has consistently been referenced and built up ever since in very slight ways, through comments by characters like robin and corazon, and yet we still know basically nothing about it.

and a toast to a new crewmate!!

continued in the next post, which covers alabasta arc proper.

#the voyage so far #arc: reverse mountain #arc: whiskey peak #arc: little garden #arc: drum island #one piece #opmeta #not japanese #long post

[crossovereddie]

Thoughts on Gallavich Hall of Shame

Wow okay this is the latest I’ve ever posted a weekly recap and I feel awful about it but mom life amirite? I’ve seen a lot of negative posts about this episode( maybe I just follow the wrong people) so ngl I’m kinda worried about watching it. Ugh. This is why I try to not look up things until I’ve had a chance to recap because I hate being influenced by other people’s opinions BUT I’m gonna try my best to find the positive things in the episode and keep this light hearted and fun like I’ve been trying to do all season! Okay I’ll shut up now and get right into why you’re really reading this post:

Oh baby Gallavich :(((((

THEY WERE SO LITTLE

Bitch don’t even say the word divorce

They’re sitting side by side playing a game together 😭😭😭😭

Mickey loves blowing ian pass it on

Oh fuck I forgot that belt move ian did 🤤🤤🤤

Nob job lmao

MID GOBBLE

ugh Ned was the most disgusting piece of shit

Who are those two exes wtf

I don’t know their names but I forgot I never watched any episode Mickey wasn’t in lmao

WAIT A WOMAN WHAT THE FUCK

Wow Mickey Milkovich really deserves so much better

Compilation of Mickey saying fuck THANK YOU

Omfg s4 Mickey was actually perfect

“Course you will. That’s your whole fucking MO” oh shit..

Wow remembering the past is really making me hate ian again lmao

Just when I started loving him for once

But then I remember how much he’s grown and I love him again

Fuck the writers tho

Let me write Gallavich please I’d do a much better job

Okay y’all really made it seem like Mickey was super offensive with his bipolar comment

I’m bipolar and hate when people use the term lightly but cmon guys that was nothing

He even called it a bipolar episode. He didn’t say anything offensive at all omfg. I was over here thinking he called him a psycho or something.

Some of y’all just gotta stop watching and stick to fanfics or something.

“I wish I never met you.” “Me either” THEN THEIR FUCKING WEDDING FUCK YALL NOW IM IN MY FEELS 😭😭

They’ve been through so much wow

Okay I need to see Mickey wearing a fanny pack

THE RING AND THE FLASHBACK STOP

GIVE MICKEY AND IAN A BABY

Fuck I need to rewatch the wedding

“Stupid gallagher” same

Mickey giving the Fanny pack back my boy is such a Good Samaritan wow I raised you so well I’m so proud my perfect son

SHIT I JUST REALIZED WHAT SONG IS PLAYING FUCK THIS YALL IM OUT 😭😭😭😭😭

Oh gosh I thought we were done seeing ian Gallagher’s dance moves

Why would they put us through that again

“Stupid Milkovich” you watch your mouth

But we love when a man learns from his mistakes

Now kiss

Mickey is beautiful damn ian is so lucky

Now this is the type of flashback I like to see

MICKEY SAYING HES SENSITIVE DO YALL REALIZE HOW BIG THAT IS?!

Ugh I love him so much

I’m so proud to be his mom

Okay unpopular opinion but I actually love that little how’d your bipolar tirade go how’d your stealing shit go

If you’ve been with someone through their rock bottoms you’ll understand how not offensive at all that interaction was

They both said things they felt bad about saying and now they’re having a bit of banter about it

“We work well together”

GUYES THEYRE ACTUALLY TALKING THINGS OUT THIS IS HUGE

They needed space after feelings got hurt but now they’re coming together to make up and actually talk things over

They’re learning and growing apart AND together

They both had the horrible childhoods and they’re doing their best

It takes years and years of therapy to work through deep rooted issues like that. I’m STILL seeing a therapist twice a week and I still have issues.

Just imagine. They’re how old? Mid to late twenties and neither of them have properly dealt with their issues and mental health problems. You can’t expect them to be the perfect couple you read about in fanfics. Yeah shameless is over the top but it’s a tv show that has stayed on the air for 11 seasons BECAUSE of how over the top it is. Stop expecting these characters to be healed healthy woke changed characters from one season to the next when they haven’t even properly dealt with their issues and it would honestly be very ooc if they did deal with their issues in a healthy way

I wish they would but that’s not the shameless way.

Well that was a long rant but honestly it was needed

Ugh I hate reliving terry this is the worst my heart is breaking

I skipped fast

Terry is definitely worse but yeah they’re both pieces of shit

Shit I forgot how abusive frank was

They both deserve so much better

They’re so cute oh gosh

We love communication

Okay but fr taking a bath with your SO isn’t as romantic as people think or maybe I’m just not a romantic lmao

Unless it’s a big bathtub with leg room

Mickey has the best lines

He’s so funny 😭😭😭

Mickey loves being manhandled✨✨✨✨

Honestly? I really think they would be really into some safe consensual bdsm play and they deserve to have that

PICK HIM UP IAN PLEASE ITS WHAT HE WANTS

fucking love you

I love you too

MUTUAL I LOVE YOUS ARE MY FAVORITE THING

IAN LOVES TO DO THE THUMB THING I CANT

HE DID IT EIGHT TIMES IN THREE SECONDS I COUNTED

they’re so perfect for each other :(((

A kissing compilation 😭😭

THE S7 VAN KISS HAS MY HEART

I still want a scene of Mickey making fun of Ian’s black hair

THE WEDDING 😭😭😭

I’m in tears again

THE KEY CHANGE WITH IAN SAYS MICKEY STILL GETS ME 😭😭😭😭

“Now?” HOW DOES ONE WORD GET SUCH A BIG REACTION FROM ME

I deserved to be at that wedding 😭😭😭

“But not these newlyweds” damn right

THE BLOOPERS

I love them so much

I LOVE SEEING NOEL AND CAM AT WORK

What a treat

SWEET LOVING MOUTH

THE THUMB THING AGAIN

JUST FOR ME

I MISS SEASONN FOUR MICKEY I WANNA GO WATCH HIM NOW

I love Mickey more than anything 😭😭

Okay that was so much better than I was expecting! I know I ranted a lot and I’m probably gonna get some angry comments and messages but I honestly don’t care. Have your opinion and I’ll have my own and if you wanna discuss things like adults I’ll reply but if not then I don’t have time for the negativity. My boys actually communicated and didn’t self sabotage for once and I’m so proud. I love not being as invested as I used to be because now I can actually enjoy their scenes! Anyway it’s late where I’m at and I haven’t been getting much sleep so I’m gonna stop rambling. Let me know what you thought of this episode! Oh and real quick! I noticed I got a flood of new followers in the past two weeks so i just wanted to say feel free to send me messages on and off anon! I like talking to y’all! I promise I’m nice lol! Okay bye I love Mickey so much!

#weekly recap #shameless final season #shameless s11 #hall of shame #shameless hall of shame #Gallavich hall of shame #mickey milkovich #gallavich #shameless #ian gallagher #noel fisher #shameless us #cameron monaghan #my tiniest son #mickey gallagher #Mickey and Ian #ian and mickey #ian x mickey #mickey x ian #uncle mickey

[mr-face-both-ways]

Stex Appreciation Month: CB!

Can’t trust anyone these days, remember I can face both ways!

Ah yes, my url’s namesake, i finally had time to finish and post something lol i’ll post the others soon

Questions answered under the cut! This is extra long because he is my Fave and im Biased 

Fave song: There’s Me hands down, the whole scene including That Was Unfair is just so good in establishing CB’s, Greaseball and Dinah’s characters so well, plus the melody is just*chef’s kiss* and the fact that its technically a villain song?? Love that, plus the parallels of him finding Dinah alone and upset and comforting and supporting her and lending her a hand up and sending her on her way after she’s cheered up, with post race 3 where he’s the reason Rusty’s alone and hurt on the floor, kicking him when he tries to get up (looking at you 1991 boot) and mocks and insults him, leaving him alone with his confidence broken as he leaves laughing. What an absolute bastard!! But when There’s Me is taken out, you don’t properly see his two sides, both the bad and good sides are important to his character! He’s a contrary dude but that’s just him! Plus the actual song has one of my fave melodies of the show, I can and do listen to the intro from the ost on repeat, plus that lil bit in the japan vid?? So cute?? And the contrasting styles to that and Wide Smile?? Amazing, love it

Fave actor: Once again my fave actor list is gonna be like 5 people lol, the great thing about C.B’s material is that his attitude and demeanour can change based on his inflection, movement etc so! Michael Staniforth is a given, his Wide Smile really demonstrates his range which imo not many others have been quite as good, plus what extremely little footage and photos there are of him he was extremely expressive and just fun to watch! I’ll also go with Peter Rees, Andrew Prosser, Hans Johansson, Oliver Rhoe Thornton (and what the heck let’s also go for early Kapa Kitchen and Daniel Ellison)

Fave ship: Ohh boy this is super self indulgent but CBGB honestly (has the fandom given it a nickname? Greaseboose?? idk) I love that in the older scripts him and GB high five (that us boot where cb does a lil jump to hit GB’s high five?? Adorable) and actually talk like friends?? Like Greaseball is a jerk to pretty much everyone and for him to be friendly with him is just sweet. Not to mention its Greaseball who tells his gang that CB’s a “mean machine”, is always calling out to CB in the races and a recent thing that clicked in my brain is that when CB says “what a race, what a team!” and GB’s like “shhh! ohhh you mean me and dinah?” like did he just think that CB was about to out that they were working together during the race to crash the other engines in front of Dinah so he shushed him, then realised he was talking about GB and Dinah?? then just the whole exchange after sabotaging Rusty?? Duet One Rock and Roll? That GB just lifts him up like its nothing then they just kinda sit on eachother?? Those two are in cahoots I tell you!! Plus to me i get the vibe that they’ve been working together for years?? I just love their dynamic haha (and CB’s the only one i think who calls him GB that’s so cute) oh and platonic CB/Dinah is top tier, I feel like Dinah’s a very emotionally honest person so CB would feel like he could actually trust her?? And thanks to the new megamix Canoose/Elektra can have one right, as a treat

Fave thing about him: His independence! All the other characters are very much driven by either winning the races or finding love (or both), and C.B. just...doesn’t care. What you “are” is a big deal in Stex, like the engines, coaches and freight all have their identities shaped by their titles, and that can influence how they feel about the above two subjects “nobody can do it like a steam train”, etc and looking at when C.B. does participate in the races him and his partner tend to take the lead so he is good at racing!! But he chooses not to in order to make his own fun (at the expense of pretty much everyone else). He also seems to have a level of self-awareness, take his verse in Freight for example, he knows that as a brakevan he has to essentially serve the freight train, perceptually at the back of the train. But instead he uses his “purpose” aka his brakes to not do what he’s been told and to disrupt the train, and gets away with it by presenting himself as the innocent helpful brakevan! He’s just doing his own thing, (poor Rusty but,,) good for him!! And of course I have to say again, his two sides, and the ambiguity of it?? Like is he good, bad?? He’s both and neither?? An absolute force of chaos, but it only really works when both sides are present. Plus he a cutie tehe

Random headcanon: I think he’s unnervingly observant, even moreso than Pearl, and has amazing peripheral vision. That and taking notice of things like vibrations on the rails he’s very good at telling whose around before they’ve fully come into vision. He’s always watching everything around him, and isn’t necessarily being creepy, he’s just trying to get as much info on the current situation as possible. I think he likes to have some control and be on top of things?? I also really like the ex-boxcar theory (I first saw this theory on the old bellesdomain forums, rip) and I think that maybe when he was converted it was very difficult for him, having to deal with people, and having the CB radio to control what he hears helps ground him and keep his thoughts less cluttered?? He might’ve also forgotten a lot of his boxcar days, so when he says “you know I’m to blame but you don’t know my name” maybe he doesn’t even remember his original name?? And never got a new one as just the Red Caboose, so he clung onto the CB radio to give himself a sense of identity when his previous identity was stripped from him?? IDK

Unpopular opinion: This wagon can hold so many spicy takes he’s not a murderer lol but at the same time i can see where people can think that considering the lyrics reference several real-life train crashes even if they don’t make sense for CB to be there which tbh I put down to Stilgoe going tehe railway incident reference! I think he’s travelled around a lot and done a lot of questionable things, and maybe he was responsible for those crashes in the stex universe?? or maybe he’s just lying?? he’s definitely responsible for some shit, but considering he crashes 5 (!!!) engines during that one race night and being publicly humiliated after race 4 he doesn’t get in trouble and besides, all those engines are back for light at the end of the tunnel, they’re fine lol. Another thing is that I haaaate how CB has like no agency anymore in the current version like everything he does is for money, he’s basically a henchman for the engines (and everyone knows what his deal is and he isn’t in train jail?? what??) and they got rid of the pre-race 4 bit “just for me, I’m in this just for me” (in that slightly twisted there’s me melody) and Electra desperately pleading “help me caboose, help me caboose” to just the generic “I’ll help you win” at the end and not really its own little bit anymore like he barely has his own motivations anymore, it actually makes me really sad :( it really just doesn’t feel like CB anymore, though his character has been really disjointed since like 2007 when they got rid of there’s me. He’s just kinda bland now, like before he instigated a lot of the conflict, now others tell him to do something and he does it. I could like him more if he had an ounce more depth, like why is he so motivated by money? Maybe go into that old vs new tech theme and bring up that now that there’s new tech that can do the job of a brakevan he’s now antiquated and has to go into crime to get by?? Idk just please give me something, I think CB’s always been a bit of a fan favourite because he had multiple layers to his personality but new boose just has a whole lotta nothing :/ 

Anyway let’s end on a positive note at least we got pride lighting and a solo in the megamix so that’s something I guess XD 

#stex appreciation month #starlight express #stex #cb the red caboose #stex cb #my art #musicals

[medicifm]

*  not  me  actually  writing  an  intro  the  night  before  like  i  always  mean  to  😳  hennyway  hey  biddies  ,  i'm  chloe  ,  im  in  the  snowy  part  of  pst  ,  &  i  use  she / her  pns  .  i’ve  been  . . . . . . .  scouring  the  tags  for  an  rp  like  this  so  im  so  excited  to  bring  this  newish  muse  of  mine  here  !   im  here to  do  the  honours  of  introducing  my  himbo - on - the outside , manipulative - shit - on - the - inside  . . .  oscar  🤡

(  twenty  three , cis  man , he / him  ) ✉ ― hey  babes , have  you  met  OSCAR  MEDICI ?  they’re  working  here  as  THE  HEAD  CHEF  AT  LORENZO’S ,  a  few  villas  down  from  where  you’re  staying  .  you  might  hear  them  singing  ALRIGHTY  APHRODITE  BY  PEACH  PIT  playing  from  their  villa  ,  it’s  their  favourite  song  .  yes  ,  they  hear  that  they  look  like  JACK  GILINSKY  a  lot  ,  actually  -  it’s  really  uncanny  .  their  friends  back  home  in  SYDNEY , AUSTRALIA  say  that  if  they  were  on  a  tv  show  ,  their  trope  would  be  THE  WOLF  IN  SHEEP’S  CLOTHING  ,  how  funny  is  that  ? ✎ chloe , 22 , she/her , pst

𝐢  .

pinterest  |  wanted  plots  |  

𝐢𝐢  .

name  :  oscar  gabriel  medici

age  :  twenty  three

dob  /  sign  :  december  4th  ,  1997  /  sagittarius  sun  ,  leo  moon  ,  libra  rising 

pob  :  sydney , australia

gender / pronouns  :  cis  man  &  he / him / his

career :  head  chef  at  lorenzo’s  ,  full - time  heathen  ,  professional  disappointment  for  mothers  everywhere  .

drinking / drugs / smoking :  yes / more  often  than  he’d  admit / never .  

religion  :  jewish  background  ,  currently  non - practicing .

physical  :  jack  gilinsky  fc ,  dark  brown / black  longish  curls  (  reference  )  ,  dark  brown  eyes  ,  canon  jack  g’s  tattoos  ,  no  piercings  ,  6′2″  ,  175  lbs  ,  lean  but  strong  .  tattoos  a  la  canon!jack  ,  pearly  white  smile  that  he  may  . . .  or  may  not  . . .   use  crest  3D  white  strips  weekly  to  maintain  .  lots  of  burns  &  scars  from  kitchen  mishaps  on  his  hands  &  arms  .

traits  :  hard - working  ,  flighty  ,  intelligent  ,  hedonistic  ,  charismatic  ,  intense  ,  volatile  ,  

other  :  speaks  weird  french  (  aussie  accent  tings  )  ,  tans  easily  but  wears  sunscreen  nonetheless  ,  works  hard  parties  harder  ,  can’t  read  a  lick  of  french  but  spends  a  lot  of  his  free  time  with  a  coffee  &  a  new  paperback  ,  has  a  bit  of  an  internal  vendetta  against  rich  people  (  for  no  real  reason  ,  he  just  doesn’t  like  most  of  them  )  ,  has  ins  with  a  bunch  the  local  farmers  &  visits  them  weekly  ,  pretends  he  isn’t  lowkey  addicted  to  nicotine  administered  via  a  puff  bar  ,  liquor  of  preference  is  tequila  or  red  wine  ,  drives  a  lil  vespa  around  town  for  the  gag  of  it  (  loves  seeing  it  haphazardly  parked  amongst  a  bunch  of  luxury  cars  )  ,  

character  inspo  :  jess  mariano  (  gilmore  girls  )  , gordon  ramsey  🤡 ,  patrick verona ( 10 things i hate about you ) , ferris bueller ( ferris bueller’s day off ) , han solo ( star wars ) .

𝐢𝐢𝐢  .

oscar’s  arrival  was  as  unwanted  to  his  parents  as  could  be  :  a  father  whose  tendencies  leaned  towards  alcoholism  &  abusing  whoever  was  in  arms  reach  ,  a  mother  whose  life  was  more  or  less  spent  at  the  nursing  home  she  worked  as  a  nurse  at  ,  evading  home  .  he  became  a  self - inflicted  loner  ,  preferring  to  do  literally  the  exact  opposite  of  what  was  expected  or  wanted  from  him  .  he  had  a  few  friends  he  ran  with  ,  but  watching  them  all  go  off  &  study  or  prepare  for  university  solidified  in  oscar’s  mind  that  the  non - traditional  route  was  for  him  .  growing  up  by  the  water  ,  oscar  always  felt  more  drawn  to  skip  school  &  head  to  the  beach  than  he  did  obeying  his  parents  wishes  .   

one  of  his  solaces  was  his  grandfather  ,  gabriel  ,  who  owned  an  italian  restaurant  in  a  beach  town  north  of  sydney  .  whenever  the  weather  was bad  &  oscar  felt  like  ditching  class  ,  he’d  head  over  to  his  nono’s  restaurant  where  his  ass  would  be  put  to  work  as  soon  as  he  set  eyes  on  the  restaurant  .  it  was  tough  work  ,  but  challenging  in  a  way  that  fanned  the  flames  in  oscar’s  heart  ,  rather  than  dimming  them  .  by  the  time  he was  a  teenager  he  was  working  in  the  restaurant  everyday  after  school  , an  agreement  between  him  &  his  grandfather  framed  on  the  back  wall  that  stated  that  as  long  as  oscar  kept  from  flunking  out  ,  he  was  allowed  to  spend  as  little  or  as  much  time  in  the  kitchen  as  he  pleased .  

his  absolute  defiance  of  anything  traditional  &  following  the  rules  made  him  unpopular  with  adults  ,  but  lowkey  cool  with  the  girls  .  by  the  time  he  was  sixteen  ,  he  was  losing  his  focus  on  the  restaurant  &  his  grades  &  spending  more  &  more  time  chasing  after  girls  .  his  nono  tried  to  get oscar  to  come  back  &  focus  ,  but  as  always  ,  anything  he’s  asked  to  do  quickly  becomes  the  thing  he’s  running  from  the  most  .

tw  :  death  ,  cancer  .  around  his  eighteenth  birthday  ,  his  grandfather  suddenly  fell  ill  with  a  rare  form  of  cancer  that  took  his  life  six  weeks  after  diagnosis  ,  which  rocked  oscar’s  world  .  he  felt  overwhelming  guilt  that  he  hadn’t  spent  more  time  with  his  grandfather  ,  which  manifested  itself  as  oscar  dropping  out  of  school  a  year  shy  of  graduation  to  commit  himself  fully  to  perfecting  his  grandfather’s  techniques  ,  learning  all  of  his  recipes  (  read  :  pouring  over  dozens  of  handwritten  cookbooks )  in  some  failed  attempt  to  get  back  some  time  with  him  .  oscar  hadn’t  been  close  with  his  parents  in  years  ,  more  or  less  seeing  them  as  wardens  of  a  prison  he  wanted  nothing  to  do  with  .  his  grandfather’s  will  left  him  the  deed  to  the  restaurant  ,  with  an  ask  that  oscar  would  promise  to  act  on  whatever  he  felt  called  towards  ,  rather  than  doing  what  others  expected  of  him  .  to  be  candid  ,  this  whole  situation  crushed  him  .

eventually  ,  he  decided  he’d  had  enough  of  the  stifling  community  he’d  grown  up  in  .  he  sold  the  restaurant  to  one  of  the  regulars  ,  a  wealthy  man  who  he’d  come  to  acknowledge  as  somewhat  of  an  uncle  ;  a  safe  pair  of  hands  who  would  treat  his grandfather’s  legacy  with  as  much  passion  &  respect  as  oscar  himself  would  .  so  he  packed  a  bag  ,  texted  his  mom  that  he  was  going  traveling  ,  &  got  on  a  flight  that  evening  .  he  traveled  all  around  -  first  through  central  america  ,  then  through  europe  ,  throughout  asia  &  africa  ,  &  spent  a  few  months  driving  a  van  across  the  continental  united  states  &  canada  for  fun  . 

eventually  ,  he  started  getting  low - ish  on  money  ,  &  decided  to  settle  in  one  of  his  favourite  places  he’d  visited  :  southern  france  .  he  arrived  in  early  2018  ,  taking  on  whatever  menial  tasks  he  could  while  learning  french  until  he  got  a  position  as  a  line  cook  in  an  italian  restaurant  .  a  few  years  later  ,  he’s  made  his  way  up  to  filling  the  head  chef  position  ,  an  honour  he  takes  with  pride  .  he’s  implemented  many  of  his  own  recipes  while  using  flavours  he’s  learned  from  his  travels  ,  with  ingredients  straight  from  local  farmers  .  he’s  earned  the  restaurant  a  two michelin  star  rating  ,  &  is  constantly  striving  for  more  to  get  that  last  star  (  both  for  his  own  ego  as  well  as  a  secret  debt  to  his  grandfather  )  .

𝐢𝐯  .

ok  but  that  vid  where  gordon  puts  two  pieces  of  bread  on  someone’s  head  &  calls  them  an  idiot  sandwich  ?  that’s  oscar  .  intense  as  fuck  in  the  kitchen  ,  &  best  nobody  catch  an  attitude  about  it  bc  he  will  not  hesitate  to  hand  them  their  ass  on  a  silver  platter  .

another  gordon  reference  :  you  know  how  he’s  the  spawn  of  satan with  adults  ,  but  the  sweetest  ,  most  helpul  guy  with  children  ?  that’s  oscar  with  his  staff  vs  people  he  wants  something  from  .  whether  its  to  sleep  with  them  (  usually  his  first  instinct  to  be  fair  )  ,  their  money  or  clout  ,  or  to  get  into  some  wild  adventure  some  random  resort  staff  wouldn’t  dream  of  getting  into  ,  he  can  turn  on  the  charm  whenever  needed  .

can  go  from  absolutely  demoralizing  someone  in  the  kitchen  to  stepping  out  into  the  lounge  to  schmooze  with  his  friends  or  cougars  who  leave  phat  tips  in  0.2  seconds  .  the  speed  at  which  his  mood  can  completely  180  is  one  of  the  seven  world  wonders  (  last  i  checked  )  .

his  love  language  is  absolutely  acts  of  service  .  catch  him  actually  falling  in  love  once  in  a  blue  moon  &  making  it  his  mission  to  cook  her  extravagant  meals  everyday  .  

the  wolf  in  sheep’s  clothing  label  epitomizes  his  nice  ,  helpful  ,  charismatic  exterior  ,  while  ulterior  motives  &  disdain  for  those  who  grew  up  with  more  money  than  he  did  lurk  beneath  the  surface  . 

he  can  be  MEAN  when  someone  fucks  him  over  or  pushes  him  farther  than  he  wants  -  isn’t  afraid  to  go  for  the  low  blows  or  send  someone  home  with  an  identity  crisis  if  it  protects  himself  .

lowkey  alcoholic  but  he’s  not  ready  for  that  conversation  yet  .  he  sees  it  more  as  perks  of  the  location  &  atmosphere  he’s  found  himself  in  .

also  lowkey  falls  in  love  HARD  ,  like  this  man  is  a  closeted  romantic  but  self - sabotages  all  potential  relationships  before  they  can  get  to  that  point  out  of  fear  he’ll  be  unable  to  live  life  of  his  own  volition  (  takes  a  flaky  philophobic  sagittarius  to  know  a  flaky  philophobic  sagittarius  🤡  )  .  has  probably  only  had  a  few  real  relationships  besides  flings  bc  he’s  afraid  .

𝐯  .

check  out  my  wanted  plots  tag  listed  here  ,  as  well  as  my  pinterest  wanted  plots  board  here  .  here   are  some  other  suggestions  hehe  :

best  friend  /  ride  or  die  :  someone  who  knows  about  his  past  ,  keeps  him  grounded  when  he’s  lk  spiraling  &  wants  to  drop  everything  &  flee  to  some  far  flung  corner  of  the  earth  .

actual  relationship  :  it  was  fast - burn  with  deep  feelings  (  not  them  thinking  they’re  soulmates  after  dating  for  a  month  . . .  pete  &  ariana  type  beat  )  but  completely  unrealistic  .  they  have  their  own  life  ,  he’s  pretty  much  tied  to  the  restaurant  ,  not  to  mention  his  lack  of  sharing  anything  about  his  childhood / life  back  home  .  they  loved  &  cared  for  each  other  ,  but  crashed  &  burned  fairly  quickly  because  of  how  idealistic  it  was  .  they  can  either  be  on  bad  or  good  terms  now  .

hateship  with  sexual  tension  😈

summer  flings  !!

fake  boyfriend  :  he  shows  up  on  her  arm  to  her  family’s  events  where  she’s  expected  to  have  a  partner  .  it’s  not  a  real  relationship  ,  but  her  parents  don’t  need  to  know  that  .  he  plays  the  part  &  satisfies  her  parents  beyond  the  bare  minimum  ,  &  in  return  she  invites  him  to  parties  ,  takes  him  out  on  her  family’s  yacht  ,  etc  etc  .  we  luv  some  symbiosis  

i  can  always  use  more  fwbs  hehehe

squad  :  a  group  of  people  who  do  everything  together  ,  have  a  chaotic  group  chat  ,  have  nicknames  for  one  another  ,  are  utd  on  each  other’s  sex  lives  ,  party  all  night  then  show  up  to  brunch  hungover  together  .  

cat  &  mouse  :  someone  he’s  pursuing  who  isn’t  quite  giving  in  ,  &  vice  versa  .  maybe  it’s  been  going  on  a  few  years  ,  everytime  they’re  in  st  tropez  they  have  this  weird  lil  flirtationship  thing  goin  on  until  she  leaves  ,  they  forget  about  one  another  ,  then  pick  it  right  back  up  when  she  returns  .

confidant  :  preferably  someone  from  a  working  class  background  who  understands  his  plight  of  being  a  worker  amongst  people  who  expect  to  be  waited  on  .

enemies  :  they  don’t  like  his  attitude  ,  &  he  doesn’t  like  them  in  return  .  lots  of  eye  rolls  ,  shit  talking  ,  &  tension  between  their  mutual  friends  .

we’re  sleeping  together  but  we  shouldn’t  be  but  that’s  half  the  fun :  for  whatever  reason  they  became  friends  ,  starting  hooking  up  despite  it  not  being  a  good  idea  (  read  :  he’s  exes  with  one  of  her  friends  ,  her  parents  want  her  focused  on  career  ,  they’re  part  of  the  same  friend  group  ,  etc )  . . . but  now  they  can’t  stop  .  lots  of  stolen  glances  across  rooms  ,  squeezing  past  one  another  in  a  crowded  club  just  close  enough  for  a  quick  touch  to  the  back  ,  quietly  leaving  one  another’s  places  the  morning  after  &  playing  dumb  to  anyone  who  asks  . 

#villasintro #eeeek im hyped !!

[haro-whumps]

Box Boy Plurality: 02

Second whumpee won the poll. Be warned, this chapter’s a longer one

CW: Dehumanization, slavery, creepy + intimate whumper, brainwashing, manipulation, illegal business practices

Tag List: @thatsthewhump​ @whump-it​ @ashintheairlikesnow​ @fairybean101​ @finder-of-rings​ @comfortforthepain​ @shameless-whumper​ @that-one-thespian​ @burtlederp​ @castielamigos-whump-side-blog​ @raigash​ @im-not-rare-im-rarr @spiffythespook​ @whumps-the-word​ @frnkieroismydaddy​ @whumpity--whump--whump​ @michelleswhumpyreblogs​ @jo-castle​ @newandfiguringitout​ @lumpofwhump​ @infested-with-blood​

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Ren looked up from their work computer, eyebrow arched. It wasn’t time for Yanni to come in and complain about the broken clasp on her phone charm, which Ren would ever-so-generously offer to replace for her. She wasn’t due to notice it until her midafternoon coffee break, since she wasn’t overly invested in checking the thing during work hours. 

It wasn’t Yanni, unsurprisingly, but it also wasn’t anyone Ren could say they recognized. Oh, sure, they’d seen the man’s face around before, but they’d never spoken with him, and they weren’t even sure what department he worked in.

“Mx. Pavlish, is it?” he said with a friendly, though nervous smile. He was an okay actor, though. They could only discern his nerves due to their practice at it.

“Hello,” Ren said, carefully, pleasantly neutral. “I’m afraid I can’t recall us ever meeting.”

“Ah, we haven’t spoken,” he said, taking the somewhat-cramped office chair they kept available for visitors and dragging it over to their desk. “My name is Mike.” 

He offered his hand for shaking, and Ren inwardly cringed at the feeling of his sweaty palm against their own. They took a squirt of hand sanitizer immediately after, and Mike chuckled with a self-conscious little rub to the back of his neck.

“So, Mike, what brings you here?”

“I work in security,” Mike said, and Ren felt every nerve in their body become immediately alert. “I know, uh, about your little ploy.”

Blackmail, then. He was here to blackmail them. They very, very carefully sized him up. 

“And what ploy, exactly, is that?”

“You unplug the ethernet cords to Jasmine’s and Cassandra’s computers just so you can be the one to fix them,” Mike stated, and Ren’s eyebrows shot up.

“You’ve been sitting on this for a while,” Ren mentioned, “I haven’t done that in going on three months now.”

“Wait have you been doing something else?”

“Is that relevant to this conversation?”

Mike chuckled again. “I guess not. But hey, listen, I get it. We all want to impress pretty ladies, right?” He gave Ren one of those nudge-nudge wink-wink kind of smiles, and Ren tilted their head consideringly. Maybe not blackmail? His tone and mood weren’t exactly right for it, but Ren couldn’t rule anything out. “Look, my cousin’s friends with Jasmine, I could have her set you two up on a ‘blind’ date, if you want.” Mike even made the little airquotes around the word. Precious.

“And why would you do that?”

“Because I’ve kinda got a favor I’d like to ask you?”

Hm. Wishy-washy. The threat of tattling on Ren for the sabotage hung, but distantly, left on a backburner that Ren could be aware of but neither would necessarily acknowledge, while Mike offered a perceived reward instead. Ren lifted their finger to their lips, pressing it horizontally along the line.

“I’m listening,” they stated evenly, curious.

“So, I saw you on the news. And your box boy has been, ha, everywhere. And you’re kinda like, the model citizen of whumpee-ownership, yeah?”

Ren blinked slowly, and said, “I might be.”

“God, ha, kinda cagey aren’t you?”

“I prefer to know what I’m dealing with. Continue.”

“Right, so,” Mike shifted in his seat, hands moving from the armrests to scratch at the side of his nose and then back on the armrests, “the law states that pets cannot be held legally accountable for crimes they committed under past owners. The idea is that the new owners will discipline them better, yada yada, behavioral psychology babble, you get the drift. Anyway. I am in possession of a particularly… let’s say, criminal box boy. Defiant and loudmouthed and it turns out he’s been getting into trouble while I wasn’t looking. Ha, pretty embarrassing for a security guard, huh?”

Yeah, no way in hell this guy hadn’t been using his pet to do the things he was too chicken-shit to do himself. It was a smart move, though, Ren would give him that.

“So basically, I need to do some... let’s call it whumpee-laundering. Change hands before the cops get the dna work back. He’s a good lad, y’know, don’t want anything bad to happen to him, much less for him to get locked up. So, howsabout you, oh model pet owner, take him for, what, a week? Two weeks? Just long enough for things to simmer down. I’ll take him right back off your hands as soon as this whole mess blows over, and I will definitely get you a date with Jasmine. Yeah?”

Ren stared at him contemplatively. Definitely not blackmail, this guy was in a bad way, and didn’t want the cops to have custody of a defiant whumpee that would talk the moment it was taken in. He needed Ren to say yes to this deal. But contemplative silence on a man already squirming in his seat worked wonders to sweeten the deal.

“And hey, I mean, he’ll be legally yours, right? So, like, whatever you wanna do to him while he’s at your place, you can do it. I mean, as long as you don’t kill or sell him, I do want him back. But like, if you wanna, fuck, I dunno, chop off his arm or some shit? Be my guest. As long as I get him back alive I don’t care, no restrictions, right? It’ll be fun, he’s got a pottymouth but if you gag him he’s not a bad looker, all things considered.”

Ren hummed, tapping a finger up and down against the back of their own palm, hands clasped loosely in front of their chin, elbows on their desk.

“Say, Mike?”

“Yeah?” he answered eagerly, body jumping lightly in the chair, sitting up straighter.

“I appreciate the offer to set me up with Jasmine, but I actually have no interest in dating her. You’re right; it is the simple act of showing off that I like the best.” Mike visibly began to panic, and Ren took a small mercy on him. “But there is something you have that I would be deeply appreciative of receiving.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“I want full access to company surveillance cameras and audio recorders, on my devices, and no record of my permissions.”

“Oh.” Mike blinked, and then grinned. “Oh! Oh, yeah, of course, easy as pie, I can so do that for you. So you’ll take him? Tonight, ideally?”

“When I meet him, I will assess him,” Ren stated. “If I perceive that he is any threat to my own box boy, the deal’s off.”

“Oh, oh no, I’m sorry, I gave the wrong impression!” Mike said with a much more relaxed laugh. “He’s got a defiant mouth but he won’t act up. His bark is way worse than his bite, don’t worry, he isn’t a fighter.”

“I’ll see that for myself, but very well. Bring all of his paperwork with you,” Ren said as they wrote down their number on a notepad. “Text me. I’ll send you my address. Meet there at 5:30, and no earlier. Bring any disciplinary tools you own along with him.”

“Not gonna use your own?” Mike asked with a glance at Ren’s hand sanitizer. 

“Don’t own any. I have the blindfold and sensory deprivation hood that came along with my pet’s box, but I haven’t used the blindfold since unboxing him and I’ve only touched the hood to put it away somewhere in the basement.” Actually, where had they put that thing? “My pet is too well behaved for such things.”

Mike whistled. “Nice. You get an expensive model?”

“Well, he wasn’t cheap. But he was exactly what I wanted.”

“Ooo, custom?”

“In training. His appearance was already precisely suited to my desires.”

Mike laughed and extended his hand again, before seeming to think better of it and he shot Ren a two finger salute. “I’ll see you tonight then.”

Ren nodded in return with a pleased little. “See you tonight.” Ren thought of one last thing. “Oh, and Mike?”

“Yeah?”

“Have you told him that you only plan on selling him temporarily?”

“Ah, no, just recently came up.”

“Don’t tell him this isn’t a permanent arrangement. He’ll be easier to mold, that way.”

“You’re the boss,” Mike said with double pistols, and left their office.

The moment the door closed behind him, they pulled out a notebook and began jotting down a list of pros and cons. Their agreement had been deeply tentative, not that they’d let Mike know that. They would thoroughly scrutinize the concept, and then rigorously test the box boy himself once he was brought over.

The idea of having someone to yank around, though. To punish, perhaps with some of the tools Host had listed in their disciplinary video… Ren swallowed, their mouth watering. Skin that they could pinch and cut and bruise, not deeply, nothing permanent, nothing too mean. Someone they could sink their claws into and throw away in a week or two, leaving their home unblemished and perfect, just Soren and them. Just a quick little fix. Just a nice little treat.

The potential cons outnumbered the pros, but the potential pros were of a much higher quality.

They drove home quickly that night, bidding Yanni a very short goodbye, citing business that needed attending, and they weren’t even lying.

“I bet you just wanna get home and cuddle your boy,” she teased them, sticking her tongue out.

“And I bet you’re going to do the same to your babe,” Ren teased in return, wiggling their eyebrows at her. Yanni giggled and admitted to being guilty as charged, and didn’t whine or cling any longer. See? Convincing her to get her own pet had been such a wise decision. So useful. 

“Soren!” they called the moment they walked in the door.

“Exalted!” Soren called back, and they noted the sound of a hair dryer cutting off. “You’re home earlier than usual!” Soren said as he rushed down the stairs. His hair was still a little damp, they noted, as they pulled him into a hug.

“I am. I have a big evening ahead,” Ren stated, handing him their lunch bag and prying off their jacket. 

“What’s on the agenda, Exalted?” Soren asked, hanging up their jacket for them and following them into the kitchen.

“Tonight, depending on how introductions go, we will be adding a new box boy to the house.” Ren snorted, pulling down a glass and opening the fridge, digging around for their ginger ale. “Well, a used box boy. I’m taking him off a coworker’s hands.” They “casually” glanced over their shoulder to see Soren’s reaction, and he was white as a sheet.

“E-Exalted? I, I don’t…”

“Soren, baby?” they asked sweetly, pretending not to understand.

“If-If I haven’t,” Soren stuttered shakily, eyes wide and vacant, staring somewhere far past the kitchen tile, “If I’m not, pl-pleasing you, if this, is,” he raised a shaking hand to his hair, a front lock, one of the beautiful portions he might have turned into bangs, “is about, what I almost did, I’m sorry, I can do better, I can be better, please, I don’t--I can’t--please, Exalted, I just need to know, just tell me and I’ll do it, I want to, I, I need to, please, just tell me, tell me anything I’ll do anything Exalted please, please, I can be good, I want to be good! I want to, I want to be good, I want to, Exalted, I want to be good for you just tell me please I’ll do anything, I’ll do anything!”

Ren sipped idly at their ginger ale, not bothering to mask their face with concern or pity when he clearly couldn’t see them anyway. God, he sounded so pretty like this. Tears budding up in his eyes, his hands shaking so visibly, his body trembling in a more subtle, yet equally delicious way. It was all so perfect to watch, to listen to as he broke down. They knocked back the rest of their drink and set the glass down on the counter.

“Soren, angel,” they crooned, face twisted up artfully and voice sweet as honey. They gently pried Soren’s hand from his hair and placed it on his collar, which made him gasp, eyes blinking rapidly, immediately grounding him. They caressed his face, then tilted it up. Petting at the lock of hair he’d just been tugging at, they smiled pityingly. “My sweet little bird, no no. You haven’t done anything wrong, pet. I’ve forgiven you for hurting me so badly, it’s in the past my darling angel, weeks in the past. My precious, sweet Soren, shush now, shush. Nothing bad is happening to you. This will be a good thing! Just because I’ll have a new plaything doesn’t mean I’ll neglect you, Soren, sweetheart. And you’ll have someone lower than you on the pecking order! Won’t that be nice?”

“I--I--”

“Shhhh, Soren, shhhhh, shush now. It’s okay, it’s alllllll alright. You’re my favorite, darling, you’ll always be my favorite plaything, don’t worry.”

“Th-thank you, thank you Exalted, thank you.”

“There, there’s a good boy. So well mannered, saying exactly what you’re meant to.” Ren hugged him tightly, too tight, but only just a little. “Don’t forget, my pet. You will belong to me forever. You will kneel at my feet only, you will eat only when I am the one to give you food, you will never set foot outside this house without me and you will never belong to anyone else. You’re mine, mine alone, and mine forever, Soren.”

“Yes,” Soren said, sounding grateful and relieved, just like he was meant to. “Yes, Exalted, thank you, thank you so much.”

Ren grabbed a fistful of hair and kissed him, and he kissed back eagerly. 

“Soren, tell me you love me,” they ordered sweetly, and Soren beamed. 

“I love you, Exalted! I love you, Ren!” He leaned against them and they let him. “I won’t ever love anyone as much as I love you, Ren.”

“I know you won’t, my angel, you’re so good.”

And that was when the doorbell rang.

“Right on time,” Ren mentioned with a glance at the kitchen clock. “Come along, pet, let’s go interview our new potential plaything.”

“Yes, Exalted.”

Mike looked no less awkward standing up than he did sitting down, Ren thought, as they opened the door. He held himself like an adolescent trying out for theater who had no idea how to act and was in possession of limbs too long for his body. Behind him and to the side, a box boy carried his box on his back, looking very much like he was about to be crucified or somesuch.

“Come in,” Ren welcomed, “Take off your shoes.” Not that it mattered. The boy was filthy and bloody. Every room he set foot in would need to be thoroughly cleaned. Honestly, Mike couldn’t have even given him a bath before bringing him over? He really was in a rush.

“Set the box down; let me get a look at you,” Ren ordered. They observed the box boy, a young man with short (ugh) brown hair, too short to even grab efficiently. Nothing to yank him around by, and no time to grow it out. Whatever, they'd just have him wear a leash or somesuch. Brown eyes, tan skin, ambiguous ethnicity. Somewhat muscled, but half-starved and visibly exhausted, so he moved with a weakness. He let the box thunk down on the carpet, and when he raised his eye he met Ren's boldly. 

“Position two,” they said with a snap of their fingers, and they heard a pair of knees hit the floor before they saw the new boy kneel. They turned with surprise and saw Soren kneeling, which prompted them to laugh. 

“Oh no, no, Soren, angel, sweetheart, no. Both of you, position one. Soren, now, listen--haha! You just stand there and look pretty okay?” They pet his hair, admiring the way he flushed with embarrassment over his mixup. “You just stay put right here and watch. I'm interviewing the new boy and testing his behavior, alright? You stay put.” They kissed him and turned back to the boy. He was, at the very least, standing in position one, his chin tilted up just a little too high for submission but that was something that could be beaten into him. “Position six,” they ordered, and he held out his wrists with a silent glower. But, ah, to listen to his breathing, was that fear they could detect?

He was bruised and bloody and tired, in all ways just in a horrible state of disrepair. He would require so much fixing, and honestly that thrilled Ren. They took his barcoded wrist and read off the numbers tattooed underneath it. 843-902. 

“02, huh?” Ren mused aloud. “I think that’ll make a fine nickname for you.”

“Oh, his name is--” Mike started, but Ren cut him off. 

“Irrelevant.”

02’s nostrils flared. “If I'm going to buy him, and I think I will, then the creature he was before coming into my service is entirely irrelevant.”

“Oh, good, you'll take him then?” Mike asked, sounding nervous and relieved. Ren delighted in how much control they had over him, at that moment. 

“I'm not done deciding yet.”

Mike’s flash of nervous panic was so delicious, really. As was 02’s confliction. He didn’t know if he wanted to stay with Mike or be taken by Ren, aww, how cute.

“State your type,” Ren ordered, and 02 snarled. Honest to god snarled. Ren had to swallow, salivating at the thought of how much fun it would be to break that.

“Fff-” 02 choked on his own word, conditioning clearly warring with whatever it was that he was trying to do, and Ren arched an eyebrow. “Fuck you.”

They saw Mike twitch agitatedly in their peripheral, but didn’t pay him any mind.

“Position five.”

02 dropped like a rock, his forehead actually hitting the floor, and Ren chuckled. His Processors had done well with him, whoever they’d been, but not quite well enough. The image was all too clear now. Mike had bought himself a box boy, discounted for his bad mouth, and used his excellent behavioral obedience in order to commit whatever crimes he’d forced the boy into, while tolerating his naughty little words as nothing more than a background nuisance. Or, given the bruising, knocking him around for the disobedience, but never bothering with legitimate training.

“State your type,” Ren repeated, their tone taking a special quality that meant firm disappointment. Soren eeped behind them, and they got to watch 02’s chest seize.

“Combination, Ren.”

“Oh no, darling,” Ren said with a laugh, “You don’t get to call me by name.” They nudged his temple with the side of their foot and stated, “Position two.” Once within range, Ren gripped his chin and forced him to look at them. “You will refer to me exclusively as Exalted, or, if you feel I am in a particularly good mood with you, you may call me Honored One. My name is not to come out of that filthy little mouth of yours. Not until we’ve cleaned it thoroughly. Understand?”

They released his chin but he continued to hold their gaze. “Yes,” he stated, “Honored One.”

“Aww, Mike,” Ren cooed, turning to him. “He thinks he’s cute,” they intoned, sounding very much charmed, like a child had just fallen over while dancing. 

“I know he’s got a big mouth but he really does obey,” Mike assured.

“I can see that,” they said airily. “Come join me in my office, we’ll discuss price and the paperwork. 02, take your box down into the basement and stow it in the back corner of the laundry room, on top of the other one there. Take Position two in the center of the room when you are done, and wait. Soren, heel pet.”

They led Mike and Soren away from the foyer, not checking if 02 was obeying and not needing to. He might hesitate or linger, but Ren knew with full confidence that by the time they were done signing the papers and lightly harassing Mike for the evening, 02 would be exactly where they’d told him to be. 

“Actually,” they said at the door of their office, turning with raised index fingers. “Soren, baby, why don’t you go ahead and get started on dinner for us, mm?” Ren kissed him and patted his cheek sharply, twice. He nodded, worrying his lip, but scampered off to do as he’d been told.

“He’s beautiful,” Mike commented, before Soren was entirely out of earshot. “Even prettier in real life than in the ads, and I mean, wow,” he said with a chuckle, “you know?”

“I do know,” Ren said, gesturing for Mike to take a seat as they closed and locked the door. They pulled up their surveillance cameras on their computer, turned away from Mike, and got their scanner ready to make copies and digital files of the documents. “Did you bring the tools I requested?”

“Sure did,” Mike said, patting his backpack. “Retractable cane, whip, two different gags and a muzzle, which, heh, he hates so much, let me tell you. Handcuffs, too, those too.”

“And the documentation,” Ren prompted, watching him pull them out of the bag.

“You are, heh, quite the presence, you know that Ren?” Mike said as he pulled out a manilla envelope, a cheap blue folder, and some--GOD--loose leaf papers. The fucking audacity, really. The messiness, the lack of professionalism. He couldn’t have haphazardly shoved them into the cheap folder? He really had to go around carrying official legal documents loose leaf? Their BLAW405: Filing and Organizational Systems professor would’ve made a five minute ordeal of tearing this poor, poor fool a new one. Ren tried to make themself pity Mike’s incompetence, because it was just about the only thing preventing them from feeling an unseemly amount of rage.

“Like really, I’m a security guy, you know? I’m kind of hired because not a lot of people intimidate me but you’ve just got this, uh, aura, I guess? Just sorta the way you talk and hold yourself and--oh, yeah, you just, yeah go ahead,” he cut himself off as they took the papers from him and skimmed over them, sorting them into some semblance of a reasonable order to be holding these files in, and read over them quickly but carefully one by one. They were familiar with most of this--they did, after all, possess a box boy of their own--but it never hurt to be thorough.

“I have a certain way with people, it’s true,” Ren commented idly as they shifted through the papers. “Sign here. You’re quite fortunate I am in possession of a notary’s stamp and can forge an impressive signature, you know that Mike?” Ren asked, pulling the stolen (well, illegally purchased. Their mama was a persuasive woman in her own right, and there was little on the black market she could not or would not acquire for her child, at their asking) stamp from one of their locked drawers.

“Oh, fuck, we gotta get a notary for this?”

“Some countries do not require it, and I hear the American legislation on transfer of ownership even varies from state to state, but our homeland is a little more meticulous in these matters. But like I said,” they took the signed paper from Mike and aligned the stamp carefully, before bringing it down with a satisfying thunk, “you’re in luck.”

“You are,” Mike said, chuckling nervously, kind of breathy and rather high, “really something, huh Ren?” They loved his discomfort.

“Mm,” they hummed, pleased, preening a bit, but hey, they deserved to. “Sign here.”

Four signatures later, Ren tapped the stack of papers against their desk, bringing them all nice and neatly in line, and then set them into their copier. “Now, the access files I requested?” Ren prompted, extending their hand. He unzipped an interior pocket in his windbreaker and produced a thumbdrive. “Perfect. You’ll have 02 back as soon as you’re ready for him.” Their copier whirred to a halt and they took the stack of copies from the tray, then slid all of them into the manilla folder, rather than breaking them up like a moron. They held it out for Mike and flashed him a darling smile. “It’s been a pleasure doing business with you.”

“Yeah,” he said, sounding a little dazed, taking the folder like it might get up and start moving. “You, you too. Ha, wow, you are efficient.”

“It’s why I have the job I have, and why I lead the life I live.” Ren stood and ushered Mike out of their office, then out of their home. “See you next time.”

“Yeah, thanks again!” he called, and they waved with a bright smile.

“Exalted?” Soren said behind them once they shut the front door, “Dinner will be ready in 40 minutes.”

“Perfect, Soren. I’m going to go greet our new addition, you may come if you want to.”

“Yes, Exalted, I would like that,” he said, wringing his hands anxiously. They placed their palm on top of that worried movement, and Soren stilled instantly.

“Shhh, pet. Remember, you’ll always be my favorite, alright?”

Soren nodded rapidly, but did not appear soothed. Hmm. “A-are you,” Soren hesitated, searching for the words. “Are you going to punish 02 for his defiance, Exalted?”

“I am,” Ren admitted easily. Soren twitched, distress increasing. “Oh, sweetheart, you’re worried for him?”

Soren nodded. “You’ve always been so good to me, Exalted, I don’t want, um, I don’t--I…” Soren pulled on a lock of his own hair, and they shushed him again, caressing his cheek.

“He’ll only get what he deserves, my precious angel. I can treat you well because you’re a very good boy for me, Soren. I’ve rarely had to punish you; you only occasionally fuck up. But my coworker clearly hasn’t given 02 the structure or discipline he needs in order to make him good, so I’m going to have to fix him. And fixing him will require punishing him. Don’t worry, though, pet, I won’t be cruel. The punishment will fit the crime; he won’t get anything done to him that he doesn’t deserve. I promise. He’ll deserve everything that happens to him, baby, sweetheart, I promise, I promise, absolutely all of it.”

Soren nodded again, gripping his collar and relaxing, a little. It was so nice to see him keyed up and anxious. It was so nice to make Mike squirm and sweat. It was so nice, knowing that their own personal chew toy was kneeling painfully on the concrete floor of their laundry room, just waiting for them to go down and bloom a few more bruises across his skin. Perfect, perfect, all of this, perfect. Exactly what Ren deserved.

“Yes, Exalted.”

“Come along, pet,” Ren beckoned, and Soren followed them down the stairs.

02 greeted their arrival by spitting on the floor at Ren’s feet.

“Oh, disgusting little bug, aren’t you?” Ren asked mildly, stepping over the splotch. They gripped his chin again and he glared up at them. “Tell me, 02, which do you consider to be worse? Death, or refurbishment?”

02’s eyes went wide, suddenly struck with fear. Ren of course would do neither, this was a temporary arrangement, after all. But 02 didn’t know that.

“...Exalted?” 02 asked in a voice that was very very very small.

“Answer the question. Which is worse?”

02’s chest began raising visibly, rapidly. Hard to miss, with how thin he was. “D--”

“And don’t even think about lying to me, slave.”

02’s breath caught, a delightful little gagging noise escaping him. “Refurbishment, Exalted.”

“Hm. Then allow me to make something very clear to you, 02. Soren outranks you in every capacity. You will not eat until he has eaten, you will not sleep unless he has first gone to bed, you will not so much as speak if he has something to say. And if you decide that that makes you jealous, or angry, or if you just decide you don’t like my precious boy for some miscellaneous reason, allow me to make it entirely understood that if you harm so much as a single strand of hair on his head, I will personally instruct the Processors to make sure you beg for death before they put you up for resale.” They released his chin with a small flick of their fingers into the soft underside, and were gratified by the little jerk, and the way his eyes stayed on them. “Do you comprehend?”

“You--you’re warning me to keep my hands off your pet?” he asked, fearful and yet still incredulous.

“Of course,” they said, placing a hand on the front of his close-cropped hair and slowly stroking his skull, cradling his head. “Soren is my precious little bird. And you?” Ren moved their thumb sweetly, back and forth, against his prickly hair. “You’re nothing more than some worthless mutt.”

Next

#whump #slave #box boy #bbu #dehumanization #brainwashing #manipulation #creepy whumper #intimate whumper #codependent whumpee #possessive behavior #multiple whumpees #defiant whumpee #ren #soren #02 #mike #mine #writing

[floorbed]

i sent these to puck also but. 17 33 53 67 78 for both stupids

>:) Time For Idiots. again i kinda went off hard so this shit under a read more

17. Do they have a best friend? If so, who, and what makes them their best friend?

pen’s best friend growing up from when he was Baybey till he left the palace was mikolai! they were best friends kind of because like. they were rlly close in age and were both born in the palace and were both Boys Who Needed A Buddy Bc They Were Stuck In This Like Very Formal Place All The Time And Wanted To Be Silly Kids. so kind of best buddies by necessity. he was the graf’s son. he was the court jester’s son. can i make it any more obvious etc etc. he was also very much one of those kids who was like My Mom Is My Best Friend <3 also

but now that he’s out of the palace the party r very much his best friends. like. They’ve Seen Him Die. hes fucked up over and over again and they still accept him n believe in him, and hes not used to things being that like... unconditional, u know. if he had to pick one person in arsonparty it Wld be miss telltale but like. he kind of views her as like That One Really Cool Older Sibling Who Can Do No Wrong Who U Look Up To rather than like friend vibes? and at first that manifested for him like. oh i feel protected by her. but now its like . Oh i feel protected by her but Also i want her to understand her self worth and see herself the way i see her bc like i would like her to feel comfortable enough to allow herself to also get taken care of and protected.... but yeah

agni is ! hm! pre brain damage school agni was too busy to form any like. meaningful connections w anyone. that shit was hard as it was on its own and it also just like. Wasnt Top Priority so she didnt put a lot of effort into it bc she was 2 busy stressing over academics. Her Roommate Was Cool but also she felt a little intimidated by her. 

crimesagni has uhhh friendly work acquaintances that she , again, didnt let herself put a lot of stake in but still genuinely enjoyed their presence! But I Mean Like. Seras. Yeah. seras is definitely The Exception Of That. #JustBestFriendThings!! its cool how friendly the.y are . also like. the party is the first time agni’s had a Friend Group before and like people who want to hang out w her..... she rlly enjoys it! turns out things r much more linear n lucid when u have outside ppl as frames of reference. also they are all very kind to her which makes her real happy, n seem to genuinely care abt her wellbeing, and dont mind all of the shit she’s gotten them into w her Work Stuff. 

33. Did they ever dye their hair before? If so, to what colour? Did they like it?

pen hasnt but if he Could he’d dye his hair black >:) little goth boy

agni also hasnt, and i dont think she would care to that much even if given the opportunity! if someone wanted to like, practice on her hair tho, she’d offer it!

53. What is something that they want but can’t have?

pen . lol. he wants the period of his life back before everything went to shit, when he was likeeee 17. he just kinda wants to exist in that little time bubble forever.

agni i think deep down would like to go back before she self-sabotaged her life and was still on track to being a respectable member of society w a good career, just for a little bit n not permanently, to compare her quality of life then w her quality of life now and see if it was worth it.

67. What is something that is simple, but always makes them smile?

pen: when his mom wld dance with him!!! playing hide and seek w mikolai during high mourning when he was a kid!! juniper’s little “ehhhh” moments!! when anybody (but esp ori and juni) laugh at his silly jests >:) going to dinner parties and knowing essactly what to do >:) when his friends let him take care of them, like when juni let him brush his hair!!! 

agni: lavinia reading over her good marks and telling her how proud she is!! edda walking her to the temple when she was really little after dressing her up real pretty and holding her hand the whole time!! the way seras says her full name!! when dendy sings his little songs!!! Amadeus Antics. the fact that cyrus asked for her n elviras help w his home stuff and he thinks shes like. competent enough to be of help!

78. If they had a nightmare, who would they run to?

at home, pen would run to his mom 100%, and just kinda cry for a little bit, and then probably have a sleepover in her room.

w the party, pen would go to ori oops! he wouldnt want to wake her up like, physically, bc he wouldnt want to catch her off guard and have her Burst Into Flames, but probably hover in her doorway and tell her what happened. and ask if he should try to go back to sleep or not, or what he shld do.

now that ori has Unbalanced Humors tho, pen probably would not want to bother her bedrest, so he’d go to juni, jangle on up to his bed and be all stubborn n not leave him alone bc he’d be too scared to try n go back to sleep on his own!! Lots Of Lamenting

back in zadash if agni Could, she wld go to seras (IM SORRY SHES LIKE THIS SHES JUST A CRINGEFAIL WITH ONE (1) FRIEND)... ask if she cld lay on hands her so she cld rule out Brain Chemical Stuff being the culprit, but even if that wasnt the case Ask 2 Be Held. A Little Bit. she usually gets reallyy overstimulated with physical contact and it is Bad but with her It Is Just Good And Nice. yknow.

w the party, agni would probably try to deal w it herself, first and foremost. if she cldnt, she’d either go to cyrus bc he’s very nice to her and ask if she can look at some of his art stuff to calm down, or theo bc she has a very calming voice and is rlly good at thinking things through logically which comforts her, or adaeze bc Mayhaps She Has A Nice Mango Snack Like Last Time Again!!

#i have Disease Of Talk About My Kids Forever #thank you for question....sss.... #dnd tag #mel talks #agni #penance the jester

[sebspocketsquare]

Wishing you were here.. 2

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader (chatroom)

A/N: Hey guys! Here’s the second installment. I hope you enjoy it, and please let me know what you think.

Warnings: language,  flirting, pet names, angst, feels, bad date vibes

Masterlist

[Sarge1917:] Tell me all your favorite things.

[SpaceKitten:] All of them? You can’t be a liiiittle more specific? Lol

[Sarge1917:] oh, I’m sure I could, but.. I want to know everything there is to know about you, kitten, so I figured I’d just outright ask. (;

Every time Sarge flirted with you like this, it made you squirm in your seat while a huge smile overtook your face. To say that you found him irresistible was an understatement.

[Sarge1917]: But if it’ll be easier for you.. let’s start with favorite food, music, flowers and scent.

[SpaceKitten]: I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.

[Sarge1917]: Deal.

This is always how your conversations started out, genuine interest in wanting to get inside your shell. But, in the early hours of the morning when the sun is just starting to paint the sky in pastel flames, the connection between you sparks and ignites.

You spill your hearts out without a second thought.

[Sarge1917]: Kitten.. can I be completely honest with you?

[SpaceKitten]: always.

Your response is nearly immediate, like its second nature to reassure him that he can trust you. That he can feel safe with you.

[Sarge1917]: I really care about you.

[SpaceKitten]: I really care about you too, Sarge.

You thought that was common knowledge in the friendship that had bloomed between you. He was always there for you, and you for him.

[Sarge1917]: As happy as it makes me to hear that, I’m not sure you understand what I’m trying to say…

[Sarge1917]: What I mean is.. I like you, kitten.

[Sarge1917]: Probably much more than I should, given I’ve never even so much as heard the sound of your voice, let alone seen your face or held you in my arms.

[Sarge1917]: I thought all of that was important when I first joined this site.. that I was already set up for failure because id never have an emotional connection with a person I couldn’t physically see.

[Sarge1917]: But I was wrong, kitten.. so very wrong.

Your mouth has gone dry at this point, a lump forming in your throat as your heart threatens to explode behind your ribs.

[Sarge1917]: Talking with you is the highlight of my day, and frankly, I don’t want to imagine a life without you in it..

[Sarge1917]: Which makes what I’m about to say very hard for me.

The excited rhythm of your heart immediately becomes a harsh thundering in your chest, fear flooding through your veins.

[Sarge1917]: I know we’ve never really gotten into detail about what I do for a living, but occasionally, I have to go off the grid for a few weeks, even months, at a time..

[Sarge1917]: It would seem now would be one of those times.

You stare blankly at the screen for a few moments, not quite sure how to respond to him.

He was leaving… for an undetermined amount of time? 

And ‘off the grid’? What did that mean?

No computer access? Surely he had a cell phone?

[Sarge1917]: Kitten…? please still be with me..

You don’t even notice how long you’ve sat, lost in your own thoughts, until he messages again.

[SpaceKitten]: I’m here..

[SpaceKitten]: How long will you be gone…?

You don’t notice you’ve started to tear up until you can barely read his response when it comes through.

[Sarge1917]: Two to three months. Depends on how quickly I get my work done. I won’t have access to phone or internet where I’m going. That’s why I needed to tell you..

[Sarge1917]: Because I know it’s selfish to ask you to wait for me.. Hell, if you even feel the same as me..

[Sarge1917]: But I can promise, as soon as I get back, I will contact you.

You’re surprised he’s the one feeling selfish, when all you can think of is begging him not to leave you.

He wasn’t yours, yet the idea of going weeks without speaking to him made anxiety fill your lungs. 

He’d given you the one thing you’d been missing: hope for something good. Hope for something beautiful.

[SpaceKitten]: When do you leave?

[Sarge1917]: First thing in the morning.. I know I should’ve told you sooner, but I.. I didn’t know how.

[Sarge1917]: I’m not good at saying goodbye.

You force a smile and take in a shaky, tearful breath.

[SpaceKitten]: Not goodbye.. just ‘see you soon’, right..?

[Sarge1917]: Of course. Just see you soon.

When Sarge finally signed off a few hours later, an empty pit formed in the center of your chest and you found yourself silently sobbing yourself to sleep. 

Was it childish? Maybe, but in that moment, you didn’t care. Your worst fear in the friendship had come to reality; he left.

Two weeks turned to four, four turned to six, six to eight and so on, until Sarge’s absence had reached an appalling 22 weeks. 

Summer had turned to autumn, and the autumn leaves had begun to turn a shade of brown that only winter’s frost can bring.

Waiting longer than that for a faceless man you’d met on the internet seemed foolish, and so you were determined to move on.

You found a different app, more up to date, showing you other singles in the area who were looking to meet up. 

Setting up a date with the first guy who matched with you seemed like a good idea at the time.

When you show up to the address of your dinner date, you realize it’s a more-sleazy-than-not type of place, and seemed like the perfect spot to have more intimate conversations than you were ready for. Especially on a first date.

Trusting your gut is something you’ve always had a hard time with.

Your date is named Nicolas, and though his profile seemed nice enough, he seems to have a problem with keeping his hands to himself.

Fingers found their way beneath the hem of your dress and inched far too high for your liking, several times.

Each time you denied his advances, he laughed as if it was a cute joke, and proceeded to do it again ten minutes later.

An hour and a half in, and it was taking everything in you not to slap him or cry.. or maybe even both.

The end of the date couldn’t come fast enough, and you were thankful you drove separately.

He walks you to your car, backing you against the drivers side and pressing his body to yours in a feeble attempt to seduce you. He seems to have no idea how repulsive you find him. 

Claiming to feel ill manages to get you away from him without making mouth-to-mouth contact. When you’re out of the parking lot, tears fall freely from your eyes.

Once you’re in the safety of your apartment, skin scrubbed raw in the shower and wrapped in your smoothest, softest robe, you make a silent pact with yourself that the only men you need in your life are Ben & Jerry.

They’d never treat you this way, they’d merely mend the holes in your heart with chocolate and caramel goodness.

What more could you need?

Your hand is shaking and your eyes are puffy and bloodshot when you finally bring up your chat app on the computer. The one you’d met Sarge on. 

You go to your account settings, finally ready to let go, to give up and deactivate your account.

You’d decided you were finally done.

Taking a few deep breaths, you bring the cursor of your mouse to rest over the DEACTIVATE button, fresh tears stinging the back of your eyes as you hesitate.

A silent prayer resounds in your mind as you let out one more shaky breath and prepare to finally click.

...but not before the familiar sound of a new IM comes through the speakers.

Your eyes are still closed from your moment of regaining composure, and you try to calm the erratic beating in your chest. It can’t be him. It can’t. Calm yourself.

When you open your eyes, tears flow over their edges and your jaw falls slack.

[Sarge1917]: Kitten…?

You’re convinced you’ve made this up, it’s some sort of hallucination. Moments ago, you silently told yourself that if it was meant to be, you’d be given some sort of sign, and now.. this? 

Was it coincidence? Or interference from the divine?

You’re too trapped in your own mind to even consider replying right away.

[Sarge1917]: Please still be with me…

His words ring back to memories of your last conversation and you find your emotions fighting a battle between relief, joy, and anger.

[SpaceKitten]: I’m here, I just.. I’m in shock. Is it really you?

[Sarge1917]: Please forgive me. I didn’t know my trip would be extended and I had no way to let you know.

[Sarge1917]: I thought about you every day I was gone.

The familiar feeling of butterflies in your lower belly resurfaces, though you try your best to fight it.

[Sarge1917]: Kitten? You there?

You weren’t sure how it was even possible, but more tears fill your eyes as you type. Your fingers hit the keys harshly, not even bothering to fix the typos as you go.

[SpaceKitten]: You were gone. For so fucking long.

[SpaceKitten]: I started losing hope after week ten, but held out for you for 22 weeks.

[SpaceKitten]: you have no idea what that was like for me, Sarge. Wondering why you didn’t come back, when you swore you would.

[SpaceKitten]: Do you remember your last words to me, Sarge?

[SpaceKitten]: you said “please don’t forget me”

[SpaceKitten]: and I told you it’d be hard to remember anything else

[Sarge1917]: Kitten, please, let me explain

You’re too far into your rant to stop, it’s coming out involuntarily at this point.

[SpaceKitten]: I went on a date for the first time in two years tonight. And I promised myself I wouldn’t self sabotage, just because I couldn’t get you out of my head.

[SpaceKitten]: The date turned out to be shit anyway, but I can’t decide if it’s because I set myself up for it, or if it’s because all men are handsy, sex crazed idiots.

[SpaceKitten]: And all I could think when I got home was, “I bet Sarge would never have done this to me”, even though I have nothing for comparison because we’ve been nothing but ghosts to each other for nearly a year.

[Sarge1917]: Kitten.. I’m so sorry.

You have to cease your keyboard attack momentarily to fetch a tissue and clean up your face.

[Sarge1917]: Do you want me to leave you alone?

The question makes you scoff and shake your head, though you’re well aware he can’t see you.

[SpaceKitten]: That is literally the last thing I want…

Your eyes scan over the words you’d sent minutes ago, and you realize that while you feel you were in the right, you might’ve been a little harsh. 

Guilt eats away at the lining of your stomach while you wait to see his reply.

[Sarge1917]: Can I call you..?

You’re stunned by the question. It was the first time such a thing had been brought up in all the time you’d been talking. You figured it was just because he was too anxious, or hated phone calls like so many people, including yourself.

[Sarge1917]: Hell, you can even call me. Block your number, I don’t care. I just want you to hear my voice when I say what I have to say. I need you to believe me, and if I can’t be there to say it to your face, this will have to do.

His next message contains an assortment of numbers, the ones you’d have to dial to finally accomplish something you’d only dreamed of for months. 

Hearing his voice.

[Sarge1917]: Sleep won’t come easy for me tonight, so take your time, Kitten. I’ll be here when you’re ready.

Your phone is sitting on the edge of your desk, the blank screen taunting you as you look down at it. All you had to do was pick it up, dial the 10 digit number, open your mouth and force words out.

It sounded a lot easier than it was going to be.

What if you forgot how to speak?

What if he didn’t answer?

What if he does turn out to be a 77 year old trucker?

What if he’s a total creep, like you’ve been worrying about the whole time?

Somehow, you find the pros outweighing the cons. Your hands move of their own accord and pick up your phone, typing in each number with intent. You could do this.

The line rings once, twice, three times, before someone finally answers.

The voice on the other end of the call is warm, deep, and sounds like honey. Your insides melt at the sound.

“Kitten?”

TAGS: (sorry if you dont like being tagged, its been so long since i’ve posted idk who to tag anymore lolol. @mindingmyownbusiness @plumfondler  @buckybarnesappreciationsociety @loricameback @tinaferraldo @geminimoonbeamx  @preserumsteverogers @moderapoppins @lowkeysebby @buckyshattergirl  @jayattemptstoruletheworld   @the-observant-fangirl @moondancewrites @moonbeambucky @trinityjadec  @stevieang  @bionic-buckyb @eyecandybarnes @propertyofpoeandbucky @promarvelfangirl @ballyhoobarnes @bucky-plums-barnes @cate-lynne @witchymarvelspacecase @imaginingbucky @theimpossibleg1rl @babygurl8840 @wonderlandmind4 @buckysthing @formulafun @curvybihufflepuff

#bucky #Bucky Barnes #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #wishing you were here.. #sometimes i write #sebspocketsquare #chatroom fic #series

[kendrixtermina]

I should have visited two weeks later like I originally planned

But I didn’t want to leave during university time, I was already feeling like shit & wanted to maybe have some human companionship 

I should have just fucking made a booty call or organized a random hookup if no one had time, just to scartch the immediate itch, and then visited two weeks later when he is not there, it was 100% my fault cause I was gonna come later and then I caved all of my own accord i wasnt even pressured or anything I just keep overestimating myself cause I like to believe i can be cool and stoic

He’s 100% deliberately trying to sabotage any chance of me trying to hang out/ spend time with my mom. Some how, magically, the drama starts up whenever he butts in. Little disputes that would be resolved in 5 mins become inescapable humiliation and PAIN PAIN PAIN I know the drill since childhood, It’s like I can see a cartoon piano falling & my youngest sister is still a child, and all the self-help books & deescalation techniques are just wiped from my brain like it’s caught a 90s computer virus

The butting in thing has a proper scientific name: “Triangulation” - like “not being able to stand other people’s happiness” its a classic symptom of narcissism

But if I point it out that everything was fine until he started critiquing everything somehow I’m the one “overreacting”

If anyone says any opinion he disagrees with he just prevents them from talking. Like, it’s not that he disagrees. He goes into attack mode until people shut up. My sister was talking about creoles something super interesting we all wanted to hear, and then he butts in and says oh like Hebrew - just because modern Hebrew pronunciation is influenced by other languages that doesn’t make it a creole. A creole is like a very specifically defined scientific term. 

Last time I was here I was telling something I read in a book - like... It’s fine if he doesn’t want to hear something,  i dont want to talk to him anyways but he keeps me from talking to THE OTHERS this is how I never expected to hear from them when I moved out because I though they all hated me as much as he did cause they kept quiet when he would abuse me. And who am I to ask that they get abused themselves just to protect me? I cant ask that of anyone. I didnt realize any of them loved me until I got to talk to them without him there. He wasn’t in our WhatsApp group and that’s the sole reason I’m not all alone rotting in a dump as a failure of a human being

It’s pitiful how he has practically trained them that the moment he starts disagreeing it is time to shut up or the attack dog comes. I can’t blame them for not wanting the trouble. 

I just feel myself growing quieter and scared and deader and I hate that so much I feel I will stop to exist if I don’t say something back but the moment I do anything other than lie down and take it he’ll just make my mom and siblings pay for it and then im the bad guy who failed to appease the capricious volcano god

He knows I care about them while he doesn’t. He’d do the same when he was mad at mom, hurt us to hurt her, use the fact that she cares and he doesnt

Use it the way that a person capable of love just never would

Twenty years of “quick hide stay hidden in your room all the time or the dragon wioll come eat you”

I’m just supposed to take all the jabs & provocation & unforgiveable behavior to everyone in sight. I mean yeah I get that if they don’t mind it’s none of my business but I just can’t handle him pounding objects on the table for example. He threatened to break my arm or wrist at least two separate times when i was twelve. 

I should just have done a hookup if I was feeling lonely

I should be home doing university stuff so I feel less useless

I should have come two weeks later when he would have been gone

My family wont do it and my stupid ex boyfriend would betray be over shit like my headphones what must I do for someone to be loyal to me

Why wont anyone be loyal to me ever in my life

And I dont mean like this monogamy bullshit fuck who you want ill cheer you on and masturbate to it but TAKE MY SIDE darnit not all the time just AT ALL

DEFEND ME WHEN PEOPLE TALK BAD OF ME or if you won’t do that just give me an even chance at least don’t assume straight away that im the wrong one

Like the intellectual me it’s childish and unfair and counterproductive to ask anyone to pick but the emotional me just wants someone to CHOOSE ME over a literal shitty abuser who beats and degrades them all the time

i’m starting to feel Machiavelli was fuckling right about fear being stronger than love, its just as true for me as well cause my fear of not wanting to be that scared kid that kept quiet and complied because she didn’t want her arm broken was stronger than the love for my relatives that should have  made me keep a cool head

I had all but repressed it the past five years of never seeing him but now the memory of the arm breaking threat incidents id backCRYSTAL CLEAR the room the light the floor tiles everything, one time my arm already pressed against my breasts but the other time they werent there yet

GOD there was a THIRD that time in the car 

I wish he’d actually broken my fucking arm I should have let him do it that way people would believe me, but I remember the mental calculation like “fuck he might actually do it” and all I could think about was pain

#feelings #cw abuse #cw child abuse

[takatou]

answered sum charahub questions about keisuke/my headcanonz about him... ill post it below the cut <:3

Birthday: he gives me sagittarius/scorpio vibes so idk late november early december? november 20th maybe

Zodiac: scorpio or sagittarius

Species: dog human

Gender: cis male

Significant Other: good question

Physical Description: average height, maybe a slight manlet, relatively in shape, maybe kind of heavier but not a lot. probably always has sweaty and cold hands. he has vibes that he's the kind of guy who's always sweating or fidgeting so i assume he'd be kind of clammy at times. he has really pretty eyes and a nice face, probably has chapped lips though. ah ah dont try to lick them now dry lips having ass

Sexuality: either straight or bi w female preference

Favourite colour? blue

Does your character collect anything? i don't think he would

Allergies? probably has none outside of bad seasonal allergies

Theme song? glad you asked

Alignment? hmm i wanna say chaotic neutral. 

Deadly sin that best represents them? lust/wrath

Which animal would they be? ….hahaha :)c you know

Patience level?

high, but he doesn’t take bullshit

Regrets? many. probably any time that he fed into his thoughts/urges, and in canon probably like Everything

Role model? NATSUKI

Favourite foods? anything really i doubt he'd be too picky. 

Favourite book? you think keisuke can read?

Dream place to live? somewhere nice and calm. he hates conflict, drama, and anything that's super… draining. he seems like the kind of guy who'd like to have a chilled out life because he's been through so much already and it doesn't help his headspace any at all.

How do they feel about love? weird. very weird. he doesn't know how to deal with it.

Smells like? deodorant. overpoweringly like deodorant half the time. otherwise he just smells like clean clothes. but he sweats a lot, and he slathers on deodorant so no one smells his nasty stress sweat, so he just exudes Man Deodorant scent. nasty fucker

Bad habits? biting his lip, biting the inside of his cheek, pacing, overthinking, losing things

What turns them off? unreactive partners, that's probably about it. i was going to say shit but we all know kei is a poopy poopoo ass 

Pet peeves? being laughed at, passive-aggressiveness, cattiness, people who chew with their mouths open, people who don't mind their business

Personal problems? his sadistic thoughts are the biggest one that comes to mind. he also has a major issue of not believing that he is a good person and taking the intrusive feelings/arousal and enjoyment he gets out of this as being an intrinsic part of who he is. he doesn't recall his trauma at first but even after he remembers it i doubt he'd tie it back to his fucked up thoughts. he believes that he's just a sick fuck and deserves nothing and that he's bound to give in sometime, and that's just… untrue. 

he doesn't treat himself well and while he isn't exactly the pictured stereotype of bad self-esteem (boo hoo im so bad and i hate myself im a sadboy) he definitely has garbage self-esteem internally. like he beats himself up to the point of breaking down often and he overthinks this. 

he obsesses over it rather than just accepting it as something that he can't help; the fact that he enjoys it makes it extremely hard for him to treat it as an intrusion upon his psyche. keisuke believes that he is at his core a horrible person and in that he is self-sabotaging himself. 

Religious and to what extent? Any spiritual beliefs? probably not.

Kind of student if they attend/were to attend school? (e.g. class clown, straight A) he seems like a complete straight-edge student. i feel like he'd finish all of his assignments but he could fall behind sometimes. i feel like he wouldn't outwardly be a troublemaker but he would entirely have issues at school despite being very smart, he would probably have classic symptoms of trauma despite not recalling it; memory loss, lack of interest, inability to focus, and so on. he would try his best but ultimately need to work harder than everyone else to stay afloat.

Random fact! oh a canon fact here: the motherfucker needs to wash he penis!!!!! sir wash your dick cheese i love you but ew!!! bro thats not a dick thats a mozzarella stick!!!

What ONE item would they take to an uninhabited island? his dick?

Outlook on life? it sucks probably idk 

Favourite object? his dick?

What (if they can) does your character eat? anything. he's really not picky, and he doesn't have the patience to cook or make food half the time.

What is something other people assume about your character? most people assume he's just a boring average dude, if not a little bit odd or quiet. he always has his hair in his gotdamn face so like he kinda looks like an emo kid 

Do they like the name they were given? sure

Nervous habits? biting his lip, tapping his foot

Glass half full or half empty?

half full. he tries to be optimistic but fails sometimes so more like half full but he accidentally knocked it over so he's too worried about it spilling

Wants to have kids, raise a family? i feel like he doesn't care either way, if the girl he's with wants kids ok, if not ok

Do they stand up for what they believe in? usually. he's not afraid to say what's on his mind or to argue with someone.

How much do they value money? moderately. he knows he needs it to get by, and he likes to have spare money, but he's no eugene krabs you know

Wants to get married? probably? he doesn't care if he gets married or not, the relationship itself is what matters, not a piece of paper between the two of him

Passive, aggressive, or defensive? aggressive/defensive

Cat or dog person? dog. haha. get it becaus- [gets hit by a truck]

Are they ticklish? hmm not really/sorta? not really in normal places atleast he gives me vibes of someone who's only sliiiightly ticklish (like maybe flinching or something but not rly reacting) except more obscure spots (like neck/lower back/knees or something idk) but i feel like it depends on his mood too, no one's really ever tried i wouldn't think except maaaybe kanae or nemu would probably. but it's pretty hard to get a reaction out of him, he just gets kind of embarrassed if anything

Coke or Pepsi? they taste the same to him and he doesn't really like either, he probably prefers something else but i'm not sure what, probably some weird ass mountain dew flavor or some weird ass off-brand soda. 

Favourite holiday? he doesn't seem like he places a lot of emphasis on holidays? maybe his friends' birthdays

Nickname(s)? kei, kei-chan

Body modifications? (Piercings, implants, tattoos etc.) just the thing on his neck, he probably doesnt really pay it much mind and covers it just to avoid questions

If they could have one thing in the world? yeah can i get uhhhh Repaired Brain

Would they dare kill someone? yes if you push him hard enough or provoke him enough he will

Involved with magic or witchcraft? nah

#keisuke takato #takato keisuke #euphoria #euphoria vn #clockup #clockup euphoria #hc tag #this is so LONNGGG