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am-i-the-asshole-official · 19 days

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AITA for saying I'm not rich?

Wait stop hear me out

So the thing is, my father is wealthy. Or at least he made enough money to have two Ferraris and a boat, which to me are the most useless things because why would u spend that money on this when u could spend it on food or commodities but details

When I was young, any time I asked for money or something, he'd make a huge deal about it. He'd make me feel awful, so awful that I just stopped asking for anything at all, starting from my teenage years to my college years, and I survived entire months, living alone during college, with 50 dollars to get by. For groceries and bills. And yes, he was nice enough to pay for my rent (170 dollars back then) but every time I'd be the worst piece of garbage for asking him. Worst thing was, I wanted a job, but he had this delusion that any sort of job that would take me, basically customer service, i wanted was "underneath my daughter" so he legit didn't let me and he'd go to big, big hoops to not allow me to do so

I'd never buy clothes or other necessities: I spent my teenage years just putting together what I got from relatives to make some savings, and I'd survive on that. He'd go splendid on my birthday and christmas, I guess, he'd buy me things, but I came to dread those days because the thought of him spending money -and how he reacted to it- always sent me into a blind panic so yes even though I got nice gifts I was never happy about it and I really really don't like my birthday

So I was always the girl who had two Ferraris to my friends, and they'd always get mad at me when I honestly told them "actually Im not rich" or "I'm sorry I'd rather go to the cheaper place" - because I legit thought i wasn't - and called me an asshole. But This was my father's money and I lived with him, but I rarely saw an actual dollar, everything I bought was with my savings and I spent years and years accumulating it, hoarding it. So I lived in this fancy house, but I'd wear 3 dollar pants and worn shoes because that's what I could afford with my money.

Note that even paying my school fees was a nightmare to me, because my father openly said I was a parasite and screamed at me but whATEVER

So um, my friends always said i was an ass for saying I didn't have any money, when my father was swimming in it. But when u survive on the allowance ur aunt gave u for an entire month, u really don't feel like it? and I always always felt so bad about it, because it felt like they were right and I was an asshole for pretending I don't have money. Except I didn't. I really didn't. That was all his, not mine, and while he did pay school and college flat rent, he was always making sure I knew what a burden I was for it. So yes, I'd still say I was actually not rich - even though I was lucky enough to have someone pay for me.

Anyway yeah AITA for saying I'm not rich? Tbh I really don't know if I can consider myself that, when it's not mine and I've never actually used it, it doesn't feel like it, but some tell me that's my privilege and I guess that could be right

Note: I am a grown adult now, I live on my own, pay my own things and have my job. And he's happy that he doesn't have to pay for me anymore, is baffled by my relationship with money (I don't like spending it ahah), not so much about me not living with him though. (The weird thing is he wants me with him, but not to take care of me which, honestly, valid) I do have a better relationship with him, but we never talk money because I live on minimum wage - ironically enough in costumer service - and he doesn't, so to me spending 60 on groceries is a lot (150 bills destroy me honestly, so winter is a joy) and he always, always mocks me for it. It's weird how he goes around with a Rolex and snuffs me for wearing Primark pants and then people constantly just... Think I have money at all and get mad at me when I say I don't

Anyway yeah AITA for saying I'm not rich? Tbh I really don't know if I can consider myself that if it's not mine, if I've never actually used it, it doesn't feel like it, but some tell me that's my privilege and I guess that could be right

#aita #am i the asshole

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pansear-doodles · 9 months

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Twitter doc version (which is slightly longer and more detailed)

I reflected a bit. I kept insisting i would change and stop making mistakes. However, some individuals made me snap to the reality that I have not been doing it, and they were right.

I realized that I have been blurring this line of something for myself and something for my standing. I kept telling myself that there aren't any true stakes when this blog is made for me and my twitter is made for me. I'm no longer in the area where I can wholly express my emotions (well, i still could, but with a limit), and I would constantly create posts that exhibit that I'm emotionally vulnerable, which to many, including Wayne, finds wrong and upsetting.

I have not been understanding my true needs and have been essentially denying it. I have mangled my love of art and something between personal and something thousands of people can see. I have been undermining how far my signals can reach, believing that "this is my art blog, so i do whatever i want", that's true, but i never really understood its limits.

Some of you may find me gross after the revelation. I suppose it was the manner of opinions from that topic. While it's wrong to leak private information, especially when you're not up to date with said information, the very information itself is not a matter of technicalities- that would be something that is up to you on deciding who i am as a person from there forward. I'm sorry you had to discover it. Everyone has a bit of their strange side. And I'm starting to accept that not everyone is going to agree or support me on this. It was an uncomfortable change. I'm going to miss some people. But holding onto this baggage will not do anything for me. I must carry on. Yes. I did draw those things. So what? I know it was a mistake to draw that very specific part and I'm sorry for that; I learned of it long before the rumors started to appear and I have stopped doing it since. Do I have irrefutable proof? Of course not, unfortunately. But I am telling the truth here.

People can absolutely choose to decide their opinion of the idea of it, and if you decide to see me as a bad person for it, that's okay, but I never intended to harm anyone with it. Nobody was harmed. It was only exchanged between consenting adults and nothing more.

I never asked to be popular, but i subconsciously rode that wave. If Wayne is correct on one thing they said about me, it's that i let these conflicting emotions control me. For years i have been doing this because I grew up in bad environments where stuff like this was desensitized. I thought Wayne wanted me gone because they hated me. Well perhaps, some of it is true. Even back when we were friends, it was hard to read them, which made me walk eggshells. But nonetheless I do think Wayne did it out of care, but they did it in the worst way possible.

I didn't have the best reaction. I was too hasty because I panicked. I should have made a document that really details things that's been going on between us and the other things Wayne's done in SC (im doing that actually, one step at a time). For now though, I want to make this post for the purpose of saying that- yes, I haven't been innocent and I have been constantly hurting myself, in front of so many others nonetheless.

You would see me vent. You would see me make "pity parties". You would see my emotional vulnerability. Again, i thought with this blog and my twitter account, since it is my personal spaces, i thought it was fine. But of course it wasn't. I forgot that there are thousands of eyes, even minors who aspire from my work.

I haven't been good to myself. I made things worse and worse. I didn't know how to handle it despite dozens, if not, hundreds of people telling me. And now after realizing it, I wanted to take it to my own matters, for my own good and safety, and for the safety of others and people who worry for me and care about me. Despite all the damages, if I really want to make a change, I must really show it.

From this day on, I'll be making different blogs. One is a more personal, smaller blog where I can really express myself and would not use primary popular tags. One where i dump all of my negative emotions that are private and overlyvulnerable. And one blog- this one- where I can show my art to the world. It was stupid of me to not have thought of this solution before, but it's better late than never. I would only show these side blogs to my friends and the people who are genuine with me rather than those who idolize me only for my art. I should really make a clear boundary between the me on the fandom side of things, and the me on the myself side of things.

I plan to make my twitter inactive. I don't know why I've been insistent on keeping it up, but now i know and it's an ugly side of me i denied constantly: I kept it up for fame, because I equated fame to my self importance- which isn't good. You would see it evidently when I get upset about the numbers. It was easier for people to access my stuff. This amount of attention has become a detriment to my mental health but, back then, shutting it down would subconsciously mean that "the bad people won". Throughout growing up on the internet, I'd see these artists back away from their popular accounts. I didn't really understand why. I never did. But now I really know. A sacrifice has to be made, and it would be something that helps me most of all. Plus, twitter is too negative for me. I would really only use it to look at art and news, but all the other drama sticks and paparazzi and blegh- no man i think id rather sit here.

I *may* still occasionally post things there, but I'd primarily post on tumblr, where things are more relaxed.

So what did I want? Fame or comfort? My comfort was entangled in fame and it became an uncomfortable experience. What I desired to draw became also the desire from others. In truth, i definitely enjoy making rain world art. I love making my anthro au. The very reason why I made Rain world fanart in the first place was because I was sad and drawing the characters where they were happier and loved helped me cope. I anthromorphize the characters with this empathy. I believe this was the biggest reason why the anthro au was made. It was made because of the high empathy, which is why it was meaningful and closest to me- and I loved when other people understood and loved it too. My feelings were understood. I surrounded myself with friends and people and took great comfort when they shared this experience with me. And I was touched every time someone else showed their anthro au, with or without my influence. I never felt alone in these moments. I felt like I was seen. But i know not everyone is going to be my friend and not every output everyone makes is for my own likeness. There were those who wanted to be my friend for my fame and nothing more. And those who expressed that they didn't like my anthro au, i unfortunately took them as personal attacks. This is definitely not the case at all, and I'm sorry for invalidating any forms of critiques. This was an awful thing for me to do and everything got carried away in the end. I likened my au too much to the point its starting to become something that controls my judgement.

The matter of filtering what I post isn't censorship. It isn't invalidating my feelings and it isn't the matter of controlling out of fame. It is a matter of defending myself and in turn keeping others safe. The very reason why my insecurities kept getting enabled was because of me and not what other people do to me (well, it can be, but i admit I'm not completely clean from it). If people truly want to empathize with me, it should really only be my loved ones and me taking alone time like watching yt videos or taking walks.

As for the frequency of updates, people take issue with my lack of time and breaks. Admittedly, I have been having issues of time senseless for the past months and amnesia. A whole week can feel like a few days, a single day can feel like a whole week, two weeks can feel like a month. So on. These are side effects of my mental illness and I should work on it better. Like making alarms.

I thank everyone who has been very patient with me throughout my time in this fandom. I thank my followers who stuck by me despite everything. I thank my friends who cared for me and remained my friends throughout it all. I'm sorry I haven't been the best artist to those I have affected. I'm sorry I haven't been giving great examples. I'm sorry for being stuck up on believing that whatever I'm doing is correct and have been avoiding the criticism of it. And most of all, I'm sorry to everyone whose advice I ignored, even Wayne.

Overall, I'm taking one step at a time for these things. Block people liberally- that's something I've been avoiding because it felt mean, but I should utilize more. Of all of my ignorance, emotional breakdowns, the wrongs i did upon myself which then to others, I never meant any of it maliciously. There is no black and white here. Only gray morals. Wayne was a shitty person, but I was a shitty person too. I haven't been nice to myself, but starting now, I will be a little bit more selfish (in a way that helps me and doesn't hurt other people). How you evaluate me as a person is up to you. I'll welcome anyone who's nice to me in my specific spaces regardless.

But no matter what happens, I'll push forward. Because I love art and I love my friends, and I'll keep fighting for it and against the horrors that keep me from self-respect. I should focus on the things that make me happy.

Thank you, everyone. I truly mean it.

#thoughts #drama #ask to tag #long

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steffigraf · 5 months

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warning for a clearly anxiety-ridden oversharing freakout below the cut. sorry. i’m too sensitive and i’m unfortunately acutely aware of it.

tldr; im being a drama queen. gonna take a tumblr break for a week or two. to my mutuals, feel free to dm for my insta. i’ll be active until i wake up tomorrow morning and then i’m gonna zip

gonna preface this by saying this is in no way directed to the people whom i actually talk to constantly on here like you lot were lovely and im just dealing with a lot of demons in my head :(

anyway. sometimes i feel more like a product manufacturer than a person on here. and idk. i know most of you guys are really just following me for gifs and content and whatever but. yeah. idk. i guess the things i say don’t matter to anyone unless it’s funny. or if people want to call me out. not that im mad abt that exactly btw i do appreciate when people respectfully call me out for my own mistakes but. sometimes. i feel like im in a fishbowl and you’re all just waiting for me to say something wrong and cancel me. or then again, maybe most of you already think im a shit person and you just stay for the gifs. or maybe you guys think i’m a loser who has nothing to do but spend all day on this goddamn website.

and i know, somewhere inside me, that that’s not true and that it’s clearly the anxiety talking. maybe it’s just me maybe i’m making this up in my head i dunno. but i’m just kinda tired right now. too tired to battle the anxiety like usual at least. and i don’t really feel wanted outside of the content i produce, beyond the notes of my gifs or my fun posts. which ik shouldn’t matter but. i’m a pathological people pleaser etc etc.

(god, seeing this all typed out, i can’t even fucking blame you guys if you actly don’t like me cause. i kinda wanna shake myself by the shoulders and tell myself get a grip girl the world doesn’t revolve around you shut up shut up shut your damn mouth—)

i’ve been trying to manage by unfollowing and blocking a few people (which btw, if i did that to you and we used to be mutuals, it’s probably nothing personal i mostly just kept people i’m a bit closer to). but i’m still not really settled. and considering how i’m posting like every other day about feeling like shit, you guys probably figured that out lmao.

and well. on a separate note. seeing that rat’s name alone is too much for me sometimes. i couldn’t watch his game with carlos. i spent hours in his match with daniil turned away from the television, wearing noise canceling headphones while trying (and failing) to talk myself down from a full blown anxiety attack. i’ve said this before but the way people talk about him, both the fucked up silence and the justified outrage, it reminds me way too much about a family problem i have right now. hits uncomfortably close to home. prior to this i kinda thought i’d made my peace with the whole family situation but no apparently not. had he won the semis, i wasn’t even sure if i would be able to stomach cheering for jannik if it meant having to watch that man play.

so. idk. between the way actual tennis has been making me feel and the way tennisblr in general has seemed for me lately, i figure i need some space.

long story short ive been spending way too much time on tumblr this ao. and its gotten really bad for my mental health i guess. so i think i need to take maybe a week or two, to clear my head. watch tennis without opening this app every other point. spend time with people i love. get back to therapy. try to be a functioning adult.

(this is so fucking dramatic for a goddamn week of no tumblr i know that and i want to smack myself upside the head because why am i like this why do i make things snowball why why why—)

anyway. yeah. that’s it. if you actually read through all of that then. thanks. if not it’s okay too.

to my mutuals, the ones whom i’ve had at least some form of friendly interaction with in replies or dms, you can ask for my insta account btw. not that i’m crazy active on there but like. if you guys wanna be friends beyond the anonymity of this yknow. no pressure though.

#sorry to get all sad again #been editing this on my drafts all day #ive not been in a good headspace lately #*

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alexandraswords · 1 year

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F*CK NORMAL

An overdue ending to a (un)well decorated drinking career.

Introduction

Friday, June 9, 2023 9:28 AM

Today is one of those days where I am just tired, and a bit bored, but mostly tired. I am exhausted. Mentally at least. I have really been putting my all into my sobriety to the point where my day revolves around meetings but im starting to lose momentum. I have a headache, the dog wont stop barking, i'm trying to pop the zits on my face. Basically being alone with my discontented ass self is not something I'm great at... yet.

I should meditate or journal or text another AA member. But I just want to sleep and be normal and relax. But fuck normal.

I thought drinking was normal. I thought my diet of vodka and water and the occasional box of cheez-its was adulting. I thought I was mature and well refined and socially acceptable because I drank, just like everyone else, because, you know, drinking is normal... right?

Wrong. Not for me. I am NOT normal. So I have to do abnormal shit to keep my addictive eating disordered alcoholic riddled ass self sober and happy. I have to keep listening to other people because me making my own decisions landed me in a crack den sharing a room with a friend I would consider a sibling, whom which a fought with constantly to the point where I dragged the mattress from our third floor apartment (if you consider that uninhabitable shit hole, an apartment) down out side below out kitchen window so if I jumped maybe the universe would send me a sign saying that it is or isn't time yet. Okay so I didn't actually do that, but I sure as shit thought about it... a lot. Like a lot. I mean i couldn't even barely walk to the bathroom let alone haul some shit down the stairs. Hell, I wouldn't even walk across the street to get my own liquor. I would bribe my roommate by telling him if he went for me and took my card he could buy something for myself. I just didn't care anymore. I hated everything. I hated that I had to be loaded to be able to walk because my shakes were so bad. I hated that I had to drink to even feel sober and functional and not hallucinate and vomit and dry heave bright green bile. And worst of all I hated that I had lost control.

My eating disorder and my alcoholism made my reality disappear. The food temporarily until my life became a cage, and the nicest word I can think of to name it would be a vomitorium because it was actually that repulsive if you could see inside the walls of it. The alcohol took control over me so I didn't have to deal with food, but also made it so I didn't worry or care about ANYTHING.

So I guess this is how I'm going to start this ... whatever rant of words form a book. Where I'm at right now. Because right now is all I have. Yes, I am in full self pity mode, but if there's one thing I've learned from AA it's that I need to take action, and never have I ever felt worse after going to a meeting. So,lets go fucking make our bed, and meditate or some shit and get ready for today. So, yeah, Fuck Normal.

So, Why the fuck not?

I got most talkative in fifth grade. The english section of my English SAT’s, I aced. People (my boyfriend) seem to like my writing and have told me If I don’t do something with it, then they’ll publish it themselves… which I’m pretty sure falls into the lines of plagiarism but lets be honest here. I am probably one of the biggest procrastinators when it comes to doing something that is actually good for me. Why? The fuck if I know. Maybe because all I’ve known has been chaos and panic since, like, forever, that when it comes to the real things, like happiness and joy and pride in work that I’VE DONE… well, I'm just not used to that type of thing. But I figured, fuck it. I can write a book. All i have to do is elaborate on how awesome I am at self sabotaging and add in some very few lessons I picked up and am still learning day by day. Basically I’ve decided its time to just put all my shit in one bound piece of parchment instead of having to explain my life story to everyone as if its my first day with a new therapist.

But alas, melodramatic Alex is bored and avoiding meditating, to keep her shit together and be healthier, obviously, because that would actually be beneficial to my well being. So for now i’ll just throw it in one of the corners in the back of my mind while it slowly simmers into a pot of anxiety attack soup while I try and explain to you (briefly before the pot starts boiling) how fucking insanely delusionally fantastically fucked my life is, and how I got here, and why I wouldn’t change one second of it for anything. But I mean, there’s forwards and shit in books right? So can this be like a PS after the main intro forward? ‘Cause This sober bitch has to go meditate before a meeting so I can stay mindful in my sobriety and not add homicide to my list of criminal activities. (That was a joke) So for now, just for today, Namaste Sober.

P.P.S- enjoy the buffet of garbage that hopefully is not similar to mine. But if you can and most likely will relate if you’re reading this (most likely because my clever title struck a chord in your twisted little heart) then just know, you're not alone in this shit show, but no one ever really puts the shit show on the ‘gram now do they?

#sobriety #clean and sober #addiction recovery #sobercommunity

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one-abuse-survivor · 8 months

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i feel kinda shitty rn because i was almost convinced my dad had. like. stopped? being an abusive asshole to me? i told myself that he did it because he was so stressed and upset bc of stuff happening and that now it was over even though i know he goes through stages where he seems fine and then abruptly turns into an asshole. i was telling myself it was over and it was going to be weird that i had a period in my life where my dad abused me but now it was over and i could just lowkey hate him for it but it was over.

but then, of course, because i'm a dumbass, the other day, my dad started making fun of me for literally being a cripple? (i am crippled, to be clear, he was just making fun of me for how i walk and being slow and using a cane and how it makes him have to wait for me to get out of the way, which inconveniences him or whatever.) and i was feeling so bad that day that i got pissed at him and then i got in trouble for telling him that making fun of my disabilities isn't okay. (because that's petty somehow ._. )

and now he's avoiding me bc he knows he was an asshole and didn't apologize and he doesn't want to do that. and im just so done. like. i used to think i couldn't call him abusive bc we were all in such a stressful situation and he was just dealing with it like a dickhead but we're out of it now, almost 2 years, and he's still on/off treating me like shit, avoiding me so he doesn't have to apologize, and then trying to come back and chat like nothing happened. i feel like im going insane or maybe im just stupid for letting him do this to me. im just barely an adult but still an adult, i should know what to do in this situation right? but my family just says 'forgive him' and i don't know what else to do when im stuck living with him. :/

Hi there, nonnie.

I'm really sorry this happened to you. You were starting to feel that you were safe around him and he turned around and abused you again. That's awful beyond words, and sounds so scary and confusing. I don't think you're a dumbass for believing the abuse was over. I think downplaying what happened and believing it wouldn't happen again might have been a coping mechanism/survival strategy, because you can't exactly process his abuse while still living with him, so your mind might have resorted to just hoping for the best so you could keep going.

Good job standing up for yourself when he made those ableist comments! And I'm sorry he didn't budge and painted you as petty for that. Any good parent would be proud of their kids when they stand up for themselves, even against their own parents when they say something insensitive.

You're not stupid for struggling, nonnie. Being an adult doesn't automatically mean you should know how to handle being abused. For one, the abuse-victim relationship has been established between you since you were a minor. That's not a dynamic you can just snap out of. Even as adults, victims of child and teen abuse can very easily fall back into that dynamic, even if it's been years or decades since they got out. In my case, whenever I run into my mother, I still fall back into survival mode, and I'm in my mid-twenties. And, until I was able to move out of her house at 20, I kept living in survival mode constantly in her house. Being 19 wasn't any different than being 16 when it came to living in that house. I was exactly the same amount of traumatised and helpless until the moment that I left.

And, moreover, there are many adults who become victims of abuse in adulthood, for example within the context of romantic relationships, workplace relationships, or friendships. Being an abuse victim isn't a minor-only thing. Sure, it's not the exact same experience, but adults are definitely not immune to abuse. So, no, nonnie, you shouldn't know what to do in this situation. The vast majority of people of all ages wouldn't know how to escape from an abusive relationship if they found themselves in one.

It's horrible that your family isn't supporting you and is telling you to forgive him. They're basically telling you you don't deserve boundaries, respect, or reparations when you're hurt, and you should just let others mistreat you without complaining. They're condoning and facilitating his abuse of you when they should be supporting you and confronting him instead. That's incredibly unfair, and you deserve so much better than that.

Sending a virtual hug ❤️

#Ask #Abuse #Abuse tw #Abusive father tw #Ableism tw #Verbal abuse tw #Gaslighting tw #abuse apologism

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magic-number-3 · 2 years

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Top 5 ajr songs for the top 5 ask

shaking my fist like an old man darn you for making me answer this question!!! Ugh how am I supposed to choose?? I’m doing 6 cause fuck you i cant narrow it down anymore (not really fuck you its a joke <3) anyways the songs are under the cut cause I decided to explain my reasoning and it got very very too long. So in no particular order:

Don’t Throw Out My Legos - this song. REAL AND TRUE. I relate personally so much to this song because ~I moved away from home to follow my dreams~ and while the song is about wanting to preserve your childhood home and/or bedroom beacuse you dont want to face the fact of growing up, to me its also about wanting to preserve those sacred spaces in case, ya know. Follow your dreams fails and you have to return home. And so for me that has to be my top 5. Like people say ‘oh this song scratches an itch in my brain’ this song does that to my soul. N E way.

World’s Smallest Violin - ~its the mental illness luv~ . my 2nd most listened to song on spotify of all time and it only came out last year. Its killer

Turning Out - this was one of the first AJR songs I ever heard after that sponegbob song lmao (What Everyone’s Thinking EP, thank u for ur service) and DAMN if I havent cried listening to this song. Multiple times. I interpret this song as one of those where people are like ‘i dont feel like a whole person’ and i relate to that. like im TECHNICALLY a fully grown adult now but boy is that only technically. ‘You say I turned out fine / I think I'm still turning out’ and the ending of the song, ‘I'm a little kid, and so are you / Don't you go and grow up before I do / I'm a little kid with so much doubt / Do you want to be there to see how I turn out? / Cause I’m still turning out’ . Theres a feeling, a need to tell people whats going on because ppl think ur fine but ur not and youre nervous of an inevitable crash thats coming that no one will understand. But you dont know how to tell people. Youre scared to and you dont know how to make them understand. Anyway :(

Burn The House Down - this song goes SO. HARD. Its got a killer beat and this genius lyrics explanation says it all: ‘The titular line of the song is a blunt invitation for a sort of political revolution, at least in a metaphorical sense, in that the whole system will be replaced bottom-up with something new’. lets go burn the house down.

Way Less Sad - also my 5th most listened to song of all time on spotify. Like I’ve said before, its very uplifting and optimistic song to me. Maybe things aren’t great, but they’re better than they once were. And theres something very comforting abt not accepting that you dont have to be 'Happy' - whatever that means - that you can just be better than you once were. it relieves the pressure a little bit.

Karma - its very similar to worlds smallest violin, but the way that the musicality pushes the feeling and ideas in the song makes it just completely different imo. The way the music is constantly pushing the song forward - it never lets up and jack is in a rush to get all of these feelings out and he doesnt understand why he feels this way or why these things are the way they are and it all comes to a head with the final bit of the song when its pretty much silent, just him talking. The way the instrumentals push forward the concept and meaning of the lyrics is just some genius music making imo. Jack talking and talking and the way it speeds up and theres barely time to take a breath if youre singing along - the FEELING of the song, struggling to get these words out. The heart of it is very dear to me and meant a lot to me when it came out. I’m lucky that when I sing along now its not so much as a ‘these are my words i never knew how to say’. Its concepts no longer reflect my own stage of life, but when it did this song was very dear to me. Still is. Regardless of favoritism in relation to myself and simply as a piece of music, I do think it is possibly one of their BEST songs.

Some other faves cause how can I just mention FIVE??

100 Bad Days, the spiritual predecessor to Way Less Sad. GOES HARD

Next Up Forever and Finale - At first I was so bummed they didnt do an overture because I genuinely am such a slut for ajrs overtures but I love the way they these songs work as bookends to this album and I love the ideas explored in these two songs and the way they bounce off each other

#ask me my top 5 #my asks #my posts #seylaaurora #i got a little TOO into this but ya know whatevs lol #its only my fave band of all time

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stargirlfics · 2 years

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Thank you Amalia ❤️. So the thing is: I come from a very catholic and close minded mexican family but my parents have always been supportive of ny studies and work, a few months ago the company I work for transferred me to Italy because they needed someone with experience/time in the job who could speak the language and I accepted happily, my parents bought an apartment here so I could live without worrying for the rent, then I met a man, this guy is a widower, his wife died a few years ago and they had a son who he has and is 8 years old now, he also has a daughter who is 3 years old but never married her mother they were a "we have known each other forever and we are horny so let's fuck without committing" kinda thing, he takes her of their daughter and she has his last name but doesn't love her mother. We started dating (without my parents knowing), after a while he took me to meet his children and they are both lovely, his son asked permission to call me mom and it warms my heart so much, his daughter calls me by my name but is lovely, I honestly hated myself and my life so much before coming here and meeting him, even tried to k*ll myself but then I met him snd everything changed, I feel good about myself, happy, loved, I like who I am when Im with him and how he makes me feel so I decided to tell my parents about us and they went absolutely mad, they told me I have to leave him or they won't speak to me again and I won't be allowed to live in the apartment anymore, his family loves the mother of his daughter (she's friends with the family since they were children) and support her and prefer her over me, constantly saying she should me the one my boyfriend wants to have a life with and not me, she insults me every time she sees me (of course they all do this when my man is not around because if he's there they pretend that they are the sweetest people in the world), his aunt (who raised him and his siblings because their parents died in a car crash when they were kids) constantly tells me we are not good together, that I'm too young for him (I'm 28 and he's 43) so I should just live him with the mom of his daughter and go back to my country, my boyfriend doesn't know anything about any of this... but since everyone is against our relationship I'm wondering if I should talk with him about it and find a solution or just do as they say and leave? My friends hate him for his age and because he has children so ... what's your opinion? Sorry this was very long 🥺

Damn that is quite the dilemma yeah, I also have a very Catholic, Mexican family and relationships are definitely a tricky subject because they can be close minded about that stuff like you said so I totally get it

Honestly I think you should bring all this up to him especially because he doesn’t know, you sound like you really love him and his kids and are happy with him and I don’t think you should listen to those who are trying to push you away from him or tell you that you shouldn’t be with him because of their own biases

Yes there is an age gap but you’re well into being an adult, you’re nearly 30 and I think that’s appropriate and you’ve already formed connections with him and his kids and especially if his kids approve of you, that’s really important and they do! I wouldn’t get up and leave without a bit of a fight, he deserves to know how it’s affecting you and everything and hopefully you’ll both be able to come up with a solution and he can talk to his family

Something I had to do in my own relationship was sit down with my family with my partner with me and say listen we’re going to do this, whatever it may be and that’s our decision, you may not approve or like it but I’m an adult and I’m doing what I think is best for me and what I want to do and that’s that. And that’s really hard but I think you’ll be better off for it, if you love him and want to be with him and he treats you well and you’re happy with him I think you should try and hang onto it and I hope that he would defend you and be on the same page too

Ultimately your families and how they disapprove may be a dealbreaker and it may not be something you and him can get past, they may not come around to accepting you and him are together that is a possibility but I think you should try and work it out despite that, then you can’t say you didn’t try or give it your all you know. I hope things work out for the better ❤️

#advice #asks

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paranoik0sempristis · 5 months

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hi this is my first time writing here and i wanted to share a witchcraft experience. (note sorry if i have mistakes my english are kinda shit).

So a little backstory so u can get the point. Firstly i have never practiced physical witchcraft . I only studied because i wanted to know where i’m getting myself into. So i studied witchcraft for the past 4 years but i wasn’t constant on it cause i had other things to do. Theres so much shit to learn before practicing and its also confusing when and how to start . I cant find directions anywhere. With that in note

just now i just made my first spell . With whatever knowledge i have on witchcraft. And i guess im not going to be a bitch and gate keep what i did

imma tell u what i did step by step cause i don’t know what i did was right or wrong but it feels right to me …

So what i wanted to do was to cast a protection spell on me , healing and cleansing my mind from bad habits i constantly have, like remembering traumatic events.

Its night btw and the moon is like half a ring.

i opened the windows and cleansed my room with white sage. Then i lighted up 8 small candles and placed them on the floor like a little circle , cleansed my crystals and me and burned a bay leaf that said (PROTECT Y/N). Then i started to do 5 minutes meditation, guarding myself by imagining i have a bubble around me as a shield. I placed a crystal on my forehead (clear quartz) and teased my third eye.

when i was completely relaxed i lightened up a joint.

(im an adult dw) i used it as more relaxation, focusing, patience.

when i stopped smoking i started to write on a note book. I started to write to a person i wanted to get out of my head . I began saying that i want to clear my head from them . How i exactly felt my situation with that person ( be completely honest even if it hurts u) . Then i said that i understand and forgive myself and them . I said exactly how i got hurt and how my karma came back to me as well. Lastly i said that i wish them the best. An amazing life , how thankful i am for them and said goodbye with love.

i stop writing. I re-read the whole paper and then i fold it until became a small piece of paper . i placed the paper on a plate, i placed a bay leaf on top of the piece of paper , i dripped a melted candle on top , placed a small candle and light it up . Then i sprinkle the whole previous bay leaf (PROTECT Y/N) on top of the small candle . And lastly i placed some crystals.

i sat for a while and looked on the spell i just did. Later i placed my work on a desk in my room and i left it now to melt so it could work.

Now i can tell you how i feel after this spell.

I felt immediately amazing. I felt that everything worked cause i putted my heart and energy. I still feel relaxed and i dont have anxiety. Its like curse was broken.

What do you think ? Do you think that this was a good move as a beginner? Did i do something wrong? Idk what im doing i need help and tips please❤️

#witchcraft #witch #herbs #spells #spellwork #spellcraft #spellcasting #baby witch #begginer witch

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lichor · 10 months

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boundaries

i’m upset at myself for how spineless i am. it’s so difficult for me to establish boundaries. i’d rather move my entire computer setup around than just tell someone “no”. even tho my brain is screaming at me the entire time i’m doing it, i find myself doing whatever i can to make myself small and convenient for others with no regard to myself.

i like to be alone. i work best when im alone and can focus. i don’t like having random company at all times. i don’t like constantly talking and engaging with other people. i get tired and overwhelmed when i can’t hide away and be alone for awhile. but i’ve been forcing myself to live this way, no rest, no alone time, no break, because i’m so desperate to appear “normal”

i feel like an alien talking to people. social situations feel like impossible puzzles that i need to figure out the right steps to solve. this thinking just leaves me feeling drained and reserved and makes me not want to continue engaging in socializing. i focus so much on what i’m going to say to keep the conversation going that i lose myself in it. i’m not connecting. i’m stumbling over words and saying whatever i think will make the next thing happen. it’s tiring. i don’t know how to stop.

i wasn’t taught how to set boundaries. i was taught that people will only love me if i do everything they want me to. i can’t have wants or needs of my own, because they might conflict with someone else. if someone else needs something and it conflicts with what i need tho, i immediately disregard myself and then later feel frustrated that im so tired. this leads to resentment that i’m not getting the same care as everyone else, even though i never properly asked for any of it. its a vicious cycle.

part of being parentified as a child is that…you don’t really get to grow up in a normal way. i still feel like a child in a lot of ways because i was never taught how to be any different. i was exceedingly “mature” and “responsible” when i was young, but now that i’m older and actually physically an adult, i feel like i got left behind. things continued to change around me while i stayed the same. i was never taught to do anything other than people-please, and now as an adult i can’t do so many things that should be simple. i floated through childhood like a ghost. i didn’t get into trouble so no one felt the need to teach me. i was small. quiet. easy to ignore and forget about. i didn’t need to change because i was already doing what i was trained to do- be invisible.

#eon talks

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daydreamers-sys · 2 years

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tw // SH, mentions of neglect and childhood trauma

Subject: wondering if I have OSDD

hi, I recently learned about OSDD and think that I could have it. I would talk to a therapist, but as of now I can’t afford one. I have always strongly believed I had a dissociative disorder (more specifically Depersonalization/derealization disorder) until I happened to learn about OSDD. what caught my attention specifically was the ability to have fictional alters. since I was a kid, I have imagined fictional characters talking to me, comforting me, supporting me etc.

I always thought it was strange bc it would happen when I would be stressed out and then bam a character would be talking to me. for example, (and god I feel so embarrassed saying this but I’m trying to be honest) when I was really bad at self harming as a kid I would imagine markiplier telling me not to (I know mark isn’t a fictional character but he’s the only real life person who has done this). he would be comforting me and saying nice things, and I would calm down bc of this and not self harm. when I start thinking about my past trauma sometimes a character will soothe me. even as an adult now (20) when me and my partner argue, occasionally a character will be there talking to me and comforting me afterwards.

over the years it’s been different people but I just thought that my mind would “project” a character that I like/relate to in order to protect me and help me feel better. I was very neglected as a child and grew up in a terrible environment and have been through A LOT of trauma to put it simply. I never had anyone to take care of/protect me when I was a kid, so I figured my brain just temporarily gave me a parent/friend/whatever.

as far as I can remember (and I know I’m forgetting people) this has happened with rumpelstiltskin from ouat, joker from the dark knight for a LONG time (I know lol please kill me) mike from tdi, dexter for a LON G T IME, markiplier, tyler joseph?, riddler and penguin when the show Gotham first came out, and riddler and penguin now bc I started rewatching it

yes it is very embarrassing for me to say that I would “project” fictional serial killers and sadistic maniacs in order to help me survive childhood. however, I have always related to these characters bc typically they have the worst childhoods or are treated terribly and I can strongly relate to them bc of that. I also believe that since they are malicious/intelligent my brain views them as worthy protectors of me? I’m not sure and I prefer not thinking about it lmao.

these characters have helped me through a lot of daily stress and trauma. although, as far as I know, they don’t take control of me or make my body do things, or talk to me (I can’t tell if they are talking to me or if I’m “role playing” with myself as comfort). I constantly dissociate 24/7 though, and I don’t even notice until I “come back?” a past therapist has validated my dissociation, so I do know that it is what I am experiencing. she also said that I have too much trauma for my brain to process so that’s why I dissociate so often, but our talks on dissociation never went further than that due to more harmful things we had to discuss.

I’m not sure if this matters at all, but I have been diagnosed with gender dysphoria (trans guy), GAD, and depression. I suspected that I had more, but our sessions had to end bc she moved. also, I’m very sorry if I am just projecting these characters into my mind to protect myself and they actually aren’t alters of myself at all. I would hate to be offensive in any way.

they show up seemingly randomly when I’m stressed out, and don’t appear every time I’m upset. They show up rarely as far as I know. I’m also an age regressor (little) due to trauma, if that adds anything to the topic. I’m really confused about the characters and can’t tell if they’re a coping mechanism or full on OSDD. I’ve also seen people say fictive alters don’t exist or that having only fictive alters makes you a faker. I’m obviously not educated enough about OSDD to understand, but again if I am offensive in anyway I am deeply sorry and am just trying to learn about myself. (also so sorry for this being long but I felt like I needed to describe my situation)

I know you aren’t a therapist, and you don’t have to respond if you don’t want to.

So I’m going to preface this with: I am not a therapist/psychologist and cannot diagnose anyone. Please take my words with a grain of salt and see a psych when you can. That said, I’ll gladly give my opinion here.

I’m attempting to break this down paragraph-by-paragraph to make organizing our own thoughts easier.

They come up to protect you in times of stress or during s/h. This tells me you might have protectors/caretakers (indicative of trauma but you already know of your own)

The “projection” you talk about sounds like classic introjection; your mind relates to them and believes you and your system would benefit from it, and inserts them into the system. This is especially true since you’ve experienced trauma

This is just a slight aside but “I can’t tell if they’re talking to me or if I’m ‘role playing’ with myself for comfort,” constant dissociation, not noticing until you “come back,” all of these sound like signs of monoconsciousness (which is common with OSDD!) As for them not really taking control, there’s a clause in the diagnostic criteria for Partial Dissociative Identity Disorder (P-DID) in the ICD-11 that says the host might instead be “intruded upon by one or more non-dominant personality states in daily life (dissociative intrusions).”

With that last bit being said, if you experience the above but don’t experience two or more personality states with discontinuities of the self and agency, you most likely don’t have OSDD.

When it comes to alters, they’re not always clearly alters “of you,” if that makes sense. Sometimes (like in OSDD-1b and DID) they’re entirely different people (including introjects!). Alters aren’t always different versions of each other like in OSDD-1a (and iirc 1a is a more rare presentation but I could be wrong), so I think you might just misunderstand what alters are a little (and that’s okay! You’re learning)

You might not be a system and might be using these characters to cope, but that’s okay too! There is literally nothing wrong with that, but it might mean that you’re not necessarily a system (or at least not a disordered one). Introject-heavy systems only make sense because these disorders typically develop in childhood and children tend to use media (especially fictional) to escape from and cope with traumatic situations. Personally, I think anyone who fakeclaims introject-heavy systems is just uneducated.

TLDR; in my honest opinion, I think it’s possible that you have OSDD-1, but you were unclear as to whether they front (it IS possible to just not notice). However, considering they talk to you (even if it feels like roleplaying) and talk you out of harming yourself, and these interactions are involuntary, these sound like the aforementioned dissociative intrusions. They don’t need to fully front, persay, given the wording of the ICD-11.

Again, please take these opinions with a grain of salt. Also, nothing you’re doing is offensive, you’re just talking about your personal experiences here. All of this is completely okay.

(If I added links directly to this, Tungle mobile would crash delete everything I wrote once I open my browser. Citations to be added momentarily)

#TW:#sh #self h #tw sh #sh tw #CN sh #sh cn #neglect #childhood trauma #trauma #ask to tag #||#Rose #answered #anon

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neotrances · 3 years

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hi im using this post bc people want to accuse me of things for engaging in black butler despite me making multiple posts discussing how triggering it is for me bc of being a trafficking victim myself and how much i hate the author + entire carrd i made dedicated to talking about black butlers issues

you donot get to pick and choose which csa victims you care about or defend, if i am talking about the effects of abuse and discussing the issues of the show and how it relates back to my trauma i donot need to hear from people who aren’t victims that i’m “faking” my experiences etc for seeing myself in characters or that i’m “promoting” it when i constantly say i dont want people to watch or read it for the very reasons i have listed below

a link to the card with ALL of black butlers issues, tw for mentions of pedophilia, racism, and transmisogny

main points below —

• no, the show is not a porno, if it were i as a csa victim would not be able to bare watching it as the show is already triggering for me for touching on sexual abuse, a majority of the show is regular plot with unsavory parts unfortunately sprinkled in bc the creator is a freak, i view ciel and sebastian as father and son strictly and i’ve made that clear multiple times, and have blocked god knows how many people that think sexualizing kids let alone a parental relationship is ok,

• explaining the plot

• how yana toboso the creator does not understand hypersexuality or trauma responses because she’s too busy being a freak and writing for pleasure rather than caring about victims

i donot ship minors and adults i am not okay with any form of pedophilia, that includes fictional relationships, i donot tolerate pedos anywhere near me i am not ok with any form of sexual content involving minors and the bb post i do make are about the characters being a family that’s it, there are actual pedos on this site who deserve your anger, not me, and i’ve said it countless times that i donot defend or condone people that say that bc they’re victims they can ship minors with adults or make pedophilic content, csa victims such as myself are not excused from participating in pedophilia just bc they’re victims, i know this, and i despise people that use their victim status to ‘get away’ with consuming cp of any form

literally anyone that knows me knows i donot tolerate or excuse pedophilia or transmisogny and i am always completely transparent whenever watching something that needs to be discussed critically, with that being said (hopefully u actually read the links) i donot appreciate people labeling me a predator etc for literally talking about how much i hate the pedophilic undertones to the show and making a whole carrd just to discuss that in one easy to reach place, you need to watch how you speak to victims bc it’s literally disgusting seeing the way some of you talk about and discredit us, i relate to the mcs because of our shared trauma and as always i dont recommend it to people for that very reason, i never tell anyone to engage and make it a point of avoid me or at the very least black list the tag if you choose to stick around, and with that said another reminder that this is my personal blog for me and i’m gonna post what i want i’m not making another blog to post what i want bc this is my personal blog, i don’t exist for anyone but myself and i am not a “funnyman” who makes jokes all day for your entertainment, this blog is my own and belongs to me for myself

also i do not want to hear shit from blogs that post hxh, jjba, bnha etc when all of those pieces of media have the same exact issues with pedophilia, have predator authors or some being worse (like jojo for example with lynchings, pro nazi rhetoric) we are in the same exact boat, if you donot like me or me discussing the issues with black butler you donot have to associate with me, it’s that simple, we are online remember that curating your online space is a normal thing that everyone should do

again i cannot control who follows me and i do not care about notes nor do i want popularity or anything like that i donot force anyone to follow me and encourage whole heartedly to block and unfollow for whatever reason im just sick of having accusations thrown toward me as a trafficking victim when ive stated so deeply that i donot tolerate pedophilia of any kind, and that my post regarding bb are only that of a reimagined version of the characters being family and the mc getting the help he needs to recover

#bb #bb crit #<- this tag has the rest of the post of me discussing this

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whatgaviiformes · 3 years

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The Personal Trash

Okay, I needed the catharsis of writing this out, but I am throwing it under a read more because I honestly don’t expect anyone to read this. Family shit below

I feel like before I start I have to say first I love my husband very much and am continually excited by the life we are and have been building together, and the only goddamn constant in these circumstances is that he is my best friend always.

The second part of this before I jump in is that his mother, my mother-in-law lives with us, and there are parts of this story I can’t tell because it’s her story and I am not that kind of person. One of the things I love about him is his loyalty to family. I am the same way. Living with elders does not make me bat an eyelid - they’ve taken care of us, it feels comforting that we can take care of them.

But I need to share the context of our home - it’s a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom townhouse with the three of us, three dogs, with almost every space shared. One kitchen, one living room. It’s a small place. My husband purchased the house in September 2014, and it was around when we started dating. One of our first outings was his housewarming. It was, and still is, a starter home.

So since he’s had the home, I’ve been around - starting with a weekends, back and forth, and finally a moved in in 2017, married in 2019, and now we are here. Four years later.

We’ve talked upsizing, getting an in law place if we can. But the housing market is a sellers market at the moment, and things have been good. For four years.

For four years, the family unit has been the three of us. We’ve all contributed in different ways, and in that time, MIL has retired, husband has switched jobs a few times, and mine has been constant. And I *adore* my job. But it keeps me incredibly busy, overwhelmed often. Work-life balance is a bit of a joke for sure. Like anywhere there are days that I’ve gotten off work and cried. Or, checked out mentally that I couldn’t engage in other things. It’s can be intense, but its rewarding. And there was a period through the past few years where I was the source of income keeping our heads above water. And we were - we were fine. But it put a lot of stress on me.

In the meantime there have been some health issues - which I will gloss over. Not my story. But MIL has had few different things, on top of us worrying about COVID. We’ve taken her to some different appointments and such.

We had one such scare two weekends ago, and it kind was a catalyst to a bunch of other stuff that I’ve been dealing with behind the scenes lately. So on Sunday, husband and I went to the grocery store (she was supposed to go on a trip for four days or so) so we were going to use the opportunity to cook a few things together, and we needed to replenish. We were about to grab lunch, and called to see if she wanted anything, and she told him then she wanted to be taken to the hospital. She told us a few days earlier she was having some problems, but only mentioned to my husband that she was worried this might happen. But to me this forewarning was not mentioned, and I was only told because he advised her that she needed to be upfront of what was going on. (For the record, she still was vague).

This ^ will be a theme.

So we skipped lunch, came back home, I unloaded the food and started putting stuff away because he and I agreed that’s what we do and I told him to keep me updated, and she left without saying anything to me or vice versa. Husband comes home because COVID means you can’t stay with anyone. Also no beds, so it took awhile (F*CKING GET VACCINATED PEOPLE SO PEOPLE WHO DO EVERYTHING RIGHT AREN’T LAID UP FOR YOUR STUPIDITY -alsoyesiknowthereareotherreasonspeopleareinthehospitalforcovidjustgivemethisimfrustrated)

11:30 PM that night we picked her back up. It was late, I was tired. A few days later she tells us that she had a lot of time to think while at the hospital, and tells us she is going to move out.

First - you know what we did while she was in the hospital? We freaking worried. Okay - so all of that is facts, details, and I’ve gotten you caught up to the this-happened-then-this-happened. The rest of this is feelings so buckle the fuck up

Husband - immediately lashes out because he doesn’t like the reasons (still doesn’t) and I find out that there was a conversation the day before between the two of them I wasn’t a part of - and he felt because she was not being honest with me, he was forced to have to lie to me, his wife, and didn’t like that feeling.

Me - feeling confused, a little like this is out of left field, and only not completely surprised because this has happened before with husband telling me, and then it never happening, we misunderstanding. and more times than not it never made it from her mouth to my ears. Also it was never for *this* reason. See how this escalates more below.

Husband- “I had to learn to live with strangers, and you just can’t stand not being in control” Me - so wait I am a stranger now?

Husband - do you even like my wife...

and so on. So apparently everything I thought I knew about our home changed in the course of this conversation. What I was able to get out of the cacophony of chaos is that I am insensitive because I don’t interact with her the way she expects me to? And she feels like she’s intruding all the time, despite us assuring her she’s not, inviting her to game nights, and in general sharing in the things that you do as a family like vacations and dinners. And the more we argued, the more little things came out and little clues. She’s mentioned leaving before, almost on a 6 month cycle, and the last time was this one -

So like... when we got Della, and three days in she was like “If they don’t get along I’m going to take Dino and my own place” and so like... hold up, you can’t just throw away a comment like that. They’ve barely gotten a chance to know each other. (they are fine by the way. Della is a puppy and gets in his face a bit, but she’s still learning. They play, sleep together fine, and we are constantly taking care of the fur kids).

And from what I get from the comments to leave - because shit there’s still so many pieces to this I feel like I am missing -she will rationalize other reasons like the dog example above.

So when this happens it sends my husband in a spiral, he tells me because she won’t say anything, and the one time we did try to have a conversation about it, she shut down and made it sounds like he misunderstood and made him out to be the asshole. Then in the same breath tell him its not his job to fix everything as a stab at me, but like continue to talk only to him when it involves everyone.

I don’t know if that makes sense. A lot happens without me involved.

So then - those clues - the hints that all of this is really about me:

health - i stopped asking because she stopped telling me things, so how am I supposed to know what she can and can’t do. but im at fault for like... not asking. but she’s not telling.

home - apparently my understanding and my husbands understanding about the stuff she does around the house - some cleaning, groceries (we pay for) and loading dishwasher, cooking sometimes,. We thought she liked doing them to help around the house, and she’s never told us differently. EDIT- no, she’s told us she likes to help. Cue - you can stop right there, I am an adult and I never asked you to clean up after me.

I feel like whatever feelings she has for me started a long time ago, and she continued to let them harbor instead of talking to me about it, until it got to the point where it couldn’t really be solved.

I mean, I am not lacking the self-awareness to recognize that, yeah, I can be messy, and yeah, I can be single minded. There are days where my husband is talking me and I just space answering him because I can’t or or I just mentally lose it in processing.

I am seeing this mirror reflected back at me of like - I have all these expectations for you, and you are a problem and, but like.... it kind of goes both ways? And I feel like you’ve made these circumstances yourself? And if you want to leave that’s fine, but its not from our doing?

And so in the end *I* feel like I am the one under scrutiny for everything I do or say and how I interact in my home. And it feels like selfishness, and self-victimizing behavior that I’ve seen time and time again, and I don’t really see a way out.

So husband just wants to keep the family together, he’s taking this to heart - its his mom, and there are feelings there about how they’ve provided for each other. He would feel differently if they got the house and she moved in with him under the notion that she was going to save, get her own place. But it wasn’t, and so he has this weight on his shoulders for it, for failing in some way.

And I - well. I didn’t really realize the family unit we had wasn’t working... at least to that extent and that it stemmed from me and I’m really hurt by it. Aside from the stuff above, I am really easy going - I try to give everyone space, and make everyone happy. I shut down if I am processing something. I’ve never intentionally tried to make her feel unwelcome. I’ve invited her to my family vacations, we’ve all equally enjoyed dinner’s out.

And though I’d be willing to try to do better, i am absolutely livid that this conversation waited until it was at its worst. So now I don’t really want to try to do better because I am mad and hurt, and don’t feel like my sacrifices or contributions are being acknowledged, nor do I think she will do the same thing to be self-reflective and recognize her own part of all this. And above all things, I truly hate to be misunderstood. And I will completely shut down under that kind of self-victimizing behavior and thoughtlessness to other people. I don’t want to lose myself over this, in my own home.

So neither path is really an easy or right solution. She moves out, husband loses a bit of respect in her and the relationship they have.. She stays, recognizing your own part in lack of communication is a long term thing, and I have to feel this awkward limbo for that whole process.. if it even gets there.

I feel like I am walking on eggshells constantly.

I should never have to question if a “Hello” will be taken the right way and that’s how i fucking feel.

#personal trash #cursing

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misterbitches · 3 years

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what i like abt muren and li chen

i’m sorta burned out and my vagina is bleeding so lemme see if i can type this. probably can lmao. my brain is going ten miles a minute.

1. the fact that they were friends first.

someone on here said this and idk who but i don’t want to seem like it was my idea.

the fact that they are friends and didn’t have like a connection previously and it developed. most times friends-to-lovers has a basis of some sort of romantic interest from another person so they were not truly ever friends, you know? and many relationships people aren’t friends first but that’s the best kind. and they are the truest form in that (i wouldnt say truest means good but just i think a representation of) they were truly friends, no attraction at least consciously, and were lead into it.

2. bc they know each other well and are friends they know each other and LAUGH and if you can’t laugh with your love then there is no point. 0. lmao. i love it

idk they fell easily in2 the luvy duvy part and u can actually believe they are into each other like outside of kissing. gee. also hello! when lichen like threw the heart in the office and muren caught it? bitch! i woulda been like ew!!!!! and blushed but muren was like that’s right that’s my bitch

3. bouncing off 2 um uhhhhh the way they interact so i guess this is 2 but whatver i like lists now

muren is >:O but super sweet and receptive to others. so he responds to people and it isn’t just stoic for stoic sake or with not much substance. idk how to say this but oftentimes sometimes i feel like characters will be too oppositional to offset their partner and it can be extremely annoying to watch because it’s part of the dynamic but sometimes there’s a lack of reciprocation. i like that even if muren is quiet he smiles a lot and lets people know through his actions and shit. esp his mans. and when he needs to talk, he will.

lichen is perfect for this because of reasons. what do you even say about this dude holy shit. first of all he really is a fucking himbo. he’s not even dumb he’s just a fucking himbo. it’s great to say the way they express their excitement and the best thing to hear, “i can be myself around you”

4. u cannnot tell me that this top/bottom discourse is actually not ridiculous esp for them bc there is no way that my eyes are seeing what i see yet there’s some struggle when they’re trying to constantly grapple with the masculine/feminine aspects (this is a good thing)

with the way that they hang off each other. esp bc lichen is shorter than him and stockier and he can attach himself like a barnacle. the way he expresses glee and love is very “feminine” at times IE reliance, support, putting your head on his etc but then there are times when he is the one to hold muren too. so it’s like they are clearly on the same level in how they exchange love and stuff and exploring the dynamics but it clearly isnt as structured as the usual ones and it shouldnt be so they should just stop talking about this shit cos ur both getting fucked god shut up

lichen squeals like a girl and is obsessed with him. he is clingy and also says “what do you want to do to me.” if this show is gonna sit us through the agony of this stupid discourse and they tell me they arent gonna sw*tch or whatever (not that they cant have other forms of sex bc that is not that difficultand as adults w eknow this but anywaaay) then they simply are wrong

5. the ~gay 4 u~ thing is dumb and i cannot believe it tbqh cos it’s like sir....but i am glad that lichen like expresses attraction to his physique and personhood as a man and acknowledging that that is something and a part of the attraction.

it was probably a happy accident but it’s still a good one. there’s sometimes an idea of like sexual attraction being sorta nebulous when someone is like getting into a rship with the same gender but not being sure about their sexuality or whatever or still liking another gender explicitly where they cant admit they find things attractive or enticing even when they are in a same sex relationship and it is so fucking confusing and doesn’t make sense. i wish instead of trying to make it cut and dry they just went honestly mabye they dont know but theyre both men and thats a factor. ok lets move on now. :)

6. they make u feel nice

especially in comparison to the show being messy and also there’s some crazy stalker man running around you know they temper that

they’re just really fun to watch. it’s an interesting dynamic and particularly with xing si in their lives it’s nice and i’m so glad there’s no one else to ruin it like say a brother who is a waste of space. but it’s mostly good feelings for them and you can see why they like each other, that they can stay together, and how helpful a relationship can be as you grow as an individual

7. while i am sure there will be further misunderstandings...comm...unic...ation?

literally boys are dumb as hell but idk if my reading is correct on this one but SO FAR TO MOI im like wow u guys like actually talk. woah. and i think that’s nice. yest i had a breakdown in front of my fam bc i am sometimes emotionally stunted when faced with distress so it’s nice to see people talking that out in particularly with like jealousy and stuff

AND their interactions in public and the understanding. knowing it takes time and stuff for them to adjust and allowing them the time. they are extremely different to other people and they want to be distinct and they can be and arre to each other they dont need to follow anyone else’s rules (except the costume department sometimes needs to get better pants for muren like that’s my rule tbh but that’s neither here nor there)

did some1 call them emotional support himbos? i think so cos word.

oh one more thing idk the name of the actor playing li chen and im too tired to look it up but i like him a lot i think he does a good job of going seamlessly between like a jubilant person and an actual human being. he plays well at being oblivious but not outright stupid and emotionally stunted or not picking up certain signals. i think at times it seems like he doesn’t always have a sense of self like trying to be something else for other people but then he realizes like he can’t do that so all he can do is be himself which leads him 2 his mans but yea. the actor does a decent job! it’s a fun character to wathc

#history 4 #history 4: close to you #muren x lichen

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s1utspeare · 3 years

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OMGOMGOMG U REBLOGGED THIS OK UHHHHHHH GIMME FO YE FEELS

FO-YE???? YOU WANT FO-YE??????

How I feel about this character: i fell in love with fo-ye literally yesterday. cause like. ok ok it was so funny cause i started mystic nine under the impression that fo-ye was like. an old wise dude cause zhang rishan was always like “my master. fo-ye. i must follow His Path.” so i thought fo-ye was just gonna be chilling at ninety but then HE TURNED OUT TO BE GORGEOUS??? LIKE HOLY SHIT SIR. but I was still on the M9 bus for zhang baby rishan and thEN i saw a behind the scenes blooper clip where William Chan laughed and i was gone. sorry. i love him now.

also writing the Fo-Ye scenes in Swiftly Tilting ended me and i would like to formally sue myself for emotional damages

All the people I ship romantically with this character: i am a firm supporter of the er-ye/yatou/fo-ye/xinyue polycule. They would all?? be perfect together?? also it just makes sense. fo-ye is literally SO GAY for er-ye it’s insane. This man sold all of his shit for er-ye. he would do anything for him. and I think that he and Yatou would also get along very well?? like they’re the two introverts of the group, and they have quiet chats over tea while er-ye teaches xinyue stage combat in the yard. and i genuinely really like him and xinyue together! she’s so bright and feisty and doesn’t take any of fo-ye’s shit! also (im only on episode fourteen so this might become True Canon later) i headcanon that zhang rishan ADORES xinyue and they’re like. best friends. xinyue is vp of the fo-ye fanclub only bc zhang rishan is way too good at being president.

also they’re all like. real actual adults?? like they have their SHIT together i just want them to live happily ever after with each other in domestic bliss and invite fuba over for dinner. and also they have the biggest bed known to man bc xinyue does NOT like cuddling when sleeping and also she kicks and er-ye always has to be the big spoon bc he’s a caretaker at his core and yatou like sleeping on the outside bc she doesn’t want to feel trapped and fo-ye secretly takes a lot of comfort in being in the middle of cuddle piles bc he likes being able to tell where everyone is subconsciously so they have like a specially built bed that’s like a double king so they can all sleep together but also have their preferences be met. damn why did i write so much about their bed. uh anyway. polycule rights

(also i kinda ship fo-ye/Third Prince bc all of their interactions at the auction WERE FUCKING ADORABLE)

My non-romantic OTP for this character: ZHANG BROS BABBBBYYYYY also i really like his relationship with ba-ye??? i would never ship them romantically (mostly bc ba-ye is Way Too Done with fo-ye at literally any moment) but they are SO GONE FOR EACH OTHER PLATONICALLY. like episode one we had fo-ye coming in to kick Everyone’s asses and save ba-ye and if that doesn’t give u BroTP vibes i don’t know what will. Also love all of the ba-ye and fo-ye Life Changing Field trips.

My unpopular opinion about this character: he’s kind of a dick??? like not overtly and not a lot but like. he sort of ruined peng sanbian’s life (not that peng sanbian was a particularly good person) and his marriage?? and he arrested chen pi for like no reason instead of just talking to him and then fucked off to beiping and let zhang rishan deal with that mess. and he’s constantly going behind er-ye’s back and manipulating him into doing things and also that one scene where he made zhang rishan and ba-ye just stand there and watch while he investigated the Weird Tomb when he KNOWS that zhang baby rishan would literally be so anxious the entire time and inevitably Fuck Something Up due to his constantly need to Be of Help to Fo-Ye. And don’t even get me STARTED on whatever the fuck he was doing in Gutongjing. And making Zhang Rishan feel like he could never move on or be happy bc he had to follow him, even in death. and i think he knows that he’s doing it, too

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: I WISH WE KNEW FOR SURE HOW HE DIED I WISH WE KNEW THIS. it feels like there’s something so huge missing there and i want to find out about it ASAP. like. we sort of have an idea of it but he’s so intertwined with Gutongjing and Jiumen and Warehouse 11 that it seems super remiss to just leave out his death and the events surrounding it, but then again the series isn’t finished so if we get fo-ye death backstory in sha hai 2 i’m committing atrocities

IN CONCLUSION FO-YE I LOVE HIM here’s a screenshot of Zhang Baby Rishan checking out ✨Dat Ass✨

#fo ye holy fuck #cross i would die for u #thank u for this ask #i am in ur debt #mystic nine #dmbj #ask tag

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iggykoopa666 · 3 years

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god this fucking girl. or i shouldnt call her a girl shes 29 years old shes a grown woman. whatever immediately comes to mind wen u think the words "disney adult galaxy print band kid marvel fan" thats her. and she texts me all the time and shes really nice but oh my god she is so fucking annoying. she constantly sends me memes and theyre all either 1: reposted screenshots of tumblr posts from 7 years ago that she stole off of fb or insta 2: related to either marvel or star wars, both of which i have made expressly clear that i do not care about or 3: her own tiktoks, which i rarely actually watch because theyre all just the same shit ive heard since 2013. one time i dared to ask who the fuck some white guy in her video was and she sent me like 11 texts all a paragraph long and sent like 3 videos & 5 pictures along with it when all i said was "who is that." also she sometimes sends me adhd memes because having adhd is the only thing we have in common, except theyre not actually funny ones theyre just like "(does thing) lol wow im so adhd 🤪 this explains so much" and it is so painful. how can a persons meme language be so stuck in the past. i am all for cringe culture is dead but my god she fucking tests every day. i always want to tell her "ive seen this before" "i dont care about this" to every single thing she sends me but i cant bring myself to be rude to her over such a harmless thing. also another thing she does that pisses me off she calls her brother her "baby brother" when hes literally 20 years old like that is literally old enough to be in my dating pool do not call him that thats so fucking weird its not as cute as you think it is i promise. youre almost 30 tears old please. she thinks the witcher is gay media. shes extremely cis and straight. apparently all her gay friends told her this and she ran with it. i asked all my gay friends the same question and it was a unanimous "what the hell is she talking about" again i want to tell her shes cringe but i dont think she actually has any friends because if she did why wouldnt she just send them all this crap instead of me, a person who has explicitly stated my disinterest. i have other reasons for thinking this too this is just scraping the tip of the iceberg. so i put up with it. i rarely acknowledge anything she sends to me but i put up with it. jesus christ.

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