#i have been oscillating between all kinds of negative feelings

[bugeater101]

Stop Hitting Yourself

Synopsis: After four years of high school, you were sick and tired of Yang Jeongin. However, your inexperience with relationships combined with his persistence have you questioning your feelings towards him. Now, in the final stretch of your secondary education, you've somehow been paired up with that brute in a project. Yet, your study plans in the library take a different turn when you let your curiosity (and his perseverance) get the better of you.

Content: bully!Jeongin x nerd!fem!reader, plus size!reader, virgin!innocent!reader (doesn't know anything besides basic biology), dom!Jeongin, big dick!Jeongin, Jeongin is a dumbass (also oscillates between like cold bad boy and golden retriever boy), hand kink, reader has small hands, Jeongin has huge hands (duh), enemies to lovers, school AU, the reader is a bit insecure and endures a lot of bullying by Jeongin (teasing, mocking, comments related to glasses, no other negative comments related to appearance), mentions of smoking, 0-100 kind of plot, groping, spanking, pain kink, oral sex (male!receiving), crying, degradation, slight size kink, public sex, unprotected sex (please where a condom!!), mentions of breeding, vaginal penetrative sex, a hella cute epilogue.

Word Count: ~16.9 k (I AM SO SORRY)

Author's Notes: This fic is for my lovely and patient followers and hte amazing anon who sent in this request! Also, even though this AU takes place in a high school setting, please note that both Jeongin and the reader are 18+ in this fic. Minors, do not interact! This work also follows a lot of stereotypes about like "nerds" and "bullies" but bear with me y'all. If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, trussss that it is not because the bully is harbouring some crush on you. This fic uses such dynamics to simply build towards the smut and power dynamics. To quote Tyler the Creator, "Hey, don't do anything I'm about to say." Also, I would eventually love to do another and much shorter part two, but that is an idea for another time. Thank y'all as always!

Taglist: @scribblemetae @mygsis, @9900z @taekbokki,@imtoooyoungforthisshit, @jihanlovic, @compersian

You had three goals once you entered high school: get good grades, stay out of trouble, and try to have fun.

Yang Jeongin, however, seemed hell-bent on destroying any semblance of peace in your life. In fact, you bet that his whole schedule was dedicated to manifesting your misery. Or, possibly, he just brought torment with him wherever he went.

Nevertheless, it was accurate to claim that his purpose (in your perception) was to make you miserable. For the past school year, you had seen more of Jeongin than you ever wished to: your schedules put him in at least two classes with you every semester for four years and you also lived relatively close to one another. So, your encounters were frequent, expected, and... "memorable", to say the least.

Every day since freshman orientation, you have been forced to acknowledge Jeongin's existence on a daily basis. Almost immediately, he adopted a particularly cruel stance toward you. When it all first started, his taunts were just for fun and to seek attention, to say the least. Now, he just seemed mean. Not to anyone in particular: Jeongin was just a generally disagreeable person, and especially to you.  And it hurt.

Obviously, it hurt, who would not be hurt if they found themselves in such circumstances?

It was embarrassing to admit it, but Jeongin's indifference toward you was often offset by your more "cordial" feelings toward him. Actual motherfucking cordial feelings. In other words, you had harboured a small, tiny, minuscule, microscopic crush on him that even his meanest days could not challenge. So, you've had a crush on Jeongin since you first met him and it has been the dumbest thing you've ever done.

You remember when you first saw him. It was orientation for high school, the first day of the semester. You were a freshman and he was too. However, your appearance alone separated you and him into two distinct social categories. Like the delinquents that were his so-called friends, he wore his uniform messily: tie loose, shirt untucked, sneakers, and messy hair. Everything he did was with an insufferable air of nonchalance and disrespect, almost aggressive in the languid, lazy movements he made. Even his walk reeked of a cockiness that altered the milieu of the room. You couldn't believe how intolerable he was, nor could you believe how your cheeks flushed at the mere sight of him. High cheekbones, a fox-like face, slender build but definitely on the muscular side. God, not to mention he was big. He was tall, at least taller than the other boys in your grade. His height alone made him stick out like a sore thumb, not to mention his clothing. He had immediately caught your eye and it made you sick.

And then there was you: you were just as out of place as he was, but for entirely different reasons. Your hair was proper, your glasses were well polished, and your uniform was always ironed. Of course, the uniform rarely fit properly as you were bigger. The shirt never buttoned right and the skirt was too short in the back, making you feel much more out of place than you would have liked. Other than your rather ill-fitting uniform, your propriety and intelligence made you the odd one out. You contrasted much of the student population in those respects, especially Yang Jeongin.

For lack of a better word, you were a fucking loser. And so was Jeongin. But at least he owned it. Maybe that was what you liked about him, that he knew he wasn't much and didn't have to prove himself through school or other activities. Either that or how fucking attractive his jawline was or his messy hair.

Jeongin and his friends managed to sit somewhat near you during orientation. He couldn't see you from his position, but you could see him. His confident stare, the flirtatious grin he flashed, and the troublesome giddiness in his eyes would normally make you well annoyed. But, with him, it was somehow different, like he wasn't just another stupid boy you couldn't wait to ignore and forget. God. It was like some trope where he was the bad boy and you were some know-it-all who was desperate for some freedom, which he could offer you.

The entire assembly went over your head as your eyes transfixed on the boy who sat in front of you with his giggling gaggle of friends and troublemakers. You swore he thought he was one of the cutest boys you'd ever seen.

That all quickly changed once you got to know him.

You only had two classes with him that year but they were unforgettable due to the sheer torture he put you through. He would tease you, take your notes, copy off of your tests, and sometimes right his name on your homework (and he would still manage to get shitty grades). Needless to say, your fondness for him obviously and quickly diminished.

Yet, you still knew that those feelings hadn't entirely disappeared. They were still there, just somewhere deep down. However, some nights, those feelings were quite shallow and you didn't need to search so deeply to find them, as if you could reach out and touch them with ease. It happened late at night and only in the shroud of darkness. Your head would either be too busy or too slow, as if the overbearing presence of thoughts or their complete absence somehow created a tunnel to your most shameful yet needful desires. Though you wouldn't like to admit it, at these moments you find yourself pining for him. And then you feel those feelings, the ones that you don't really understand but you're too embarrassed to even type the words into the search bar and figure out what's going on so you just deal with them. And then you spend the night lying in your bed, tossing and turning to your memories of Jeongin, wondering what he would be like if he were here with you now. 

Fuck. You need a boyfriend, or to at least get laid.

Yeah. You're inexperienced, but you know the basics. At least, you think you do. When it comes to Jeongin, all logic gets thrown out the window. You often find yourself wondering what you actually want to do with him: to kill him or… God, you couldn’t even think of the filthy things you wanted him to do to you. Maybe it was because you were too embarrassed to think such things, or maybe it was because you truly didn’t know what to think. Despite acing AP biology and understanding how everything physiologically works, your lack of experience has made you rather ill-equipped when it comes to anything romantic or "alleviating" those feelings you have when you think about Jeongin. Either way, your mind was blank when it came to him, especially those feelings that make you toss and turn and pray that weird giddy feeling goes away.

Now, after four years, you can practically taste your liberation from him. However, it's becoming increasingly difficult to ignore his teases. Not only is he becoming more annoying by the second, but it also seems like he is just getting fucking hotter. Especially when he magically starts paying attention in class and you finally have a chance to stare at him uninhibited, as if being free from his constant attention finally gives you a chance to admire him. It looks like you are staring off into space, but really you are studying him. His pretty face, how good he would look if he cleaned himself up a bit more, or even admitting to yourself how good he looks all scruffy. You would study his body, how slender he is, how you want to feed him good desserts, how you think he would be the type of boyfriend to never resist eating his partner's food. Then you would acknowledge how he keeps his nail beds clean. How nice his hands are, overall. How nice they would be to hold. How big they are, how veiny... how that insinuates he is big and veiny in other places. 

...Okay, so you weren't completely out of the dating sphere. You were naive, but you knew how everything worked. However, you also knew that there was more than just strange feelings and vaginal penetration and orgasms and pregnancy and yada yada yada: there was more beyond sex than just sex. But, of course, you never worked up the courage to simply type lewd searches into Google or bother to ask any of your friends about it. Except for the hand thing, which is just that: a hand thing. A thing you have for hands, Jeognin’s hands, and yeah. Just a hand thing. Nothing else. Yeah.

Anyways, you remained—more or less—in the dark about sex. Though you would like to know more, you know that you've only felt certain feelings towards Jeongin, and only him, of all people. For any logical person, it is better to bury those feelings deep inside than let yourself accept that they are awoken by a ghastly man who cares little for you or your well-being.

You'd rather stick to your studies, anyways.

Today, however, was a particularly irritating day. Normally, Jeongin enjoyed following you around, jeering rude chants at you with his friends (your favourite was the classic and unoriginal "Hey four-eyes!" followed by a chorus of giggles), or trying to wrap his arm around you as you walked down the hall. Every time, you brushed him off.  However, Jeongin's irritability was off the charts since he decided that today was the day to dress in a particularly irritating fashion. He had completely disregarded his school uniform altogether. Why did this of all things make you mad, exactly? Because he looked fucking amazing.

Wrinkled white shirt. Loose tie. And sweatpants. Not just any sweatpants, but grey sweatpants. God, it was like he was trying to annoy you. How could he look so good while wearing something so informal? He was borderline infuriating in his presence alone, now you had to cope with how his sweatpants left little to the imagination. Though you wished that someone would put a stop to this reign of terror, you knew that the school administration had completely given up trying to control him at this point. This institution had become Jeongin's domain and you were intended to suffer through it as well as your rage-based attraction to him. Nevertheless, you pushed those feelings below your impermeable layer of school-related anxiety and ignored them. You found this trick especially useful to you when he was your lab partner in chemistry last year. It is an especially useful tool now considering you were seated across from him.

While you tried to keep your eyes focused on the board in front of you and not on the hunk of the man to your left, the task immediately became easier once your teacher announced the first big project of the semester.

"This project will weigh at around 20% of your grade and will replace this module's exam." Sighs of relief passed through the class in waves, the whole class happy to know that they just have to make a powerpoint rather than study all night for a written test that they would likely fail. Peace, however, was momentary.  

"However,” your teacher continued, “since this project is a large amount of work, it will be done in groups of two." You gave a quick smile to your friend and desk partner to your right, who smiled back.

"The groups, however, have been randomly assigned." Your faces both dropped. Actually, everyone stopped smiling. Then, waves of groans moved through the class.

"Stop complaining," the teacher sighed, rubbing her eyes. "To create a conducive learning environment that limits your amount of fun, I randomly assigned each of you to someone in the class who you likely do not talk to. I will post the partners at the end of class and I suggest that you start working on the project ASAP and throughout the weekend because it's due in a week." Another wave of groans rolled through the class and was immediately followed by complaints, questions, exasperated sighs, and a particularly harsh exhale from you. You hated assigned group projects. Due to your reputation, you were usually expected to carry the project along with whoever you were assigned. You never really minded the work as long as you got to choose your partner. Essentially, if the partner was your friend, you would happily and easily do all the work. But now that the teacher has “randomly selected” your partners (she surely just put them through a random assigning program), you felt your blood boil. Jeongin, however, was surely silently rejoicing at the announcement of a group-based project: it meant that he could coast by like he normally did in group projects.

The rest of the class drudged on with great exhaustion. Everyone loathed the prospect of seeing who they were paired up with at the end of it. The worst thing was that it was the Friday of a long weekend. School was meant to be the last thing on anyone's mind until Tuesday came around. You all should have been blessed with the freedom of three days off and whatever it entailed: drinking, parties, staying out late, suspicious excuses given to your guardians, small friend groups loitering at the park at night, getting high then going to the 7/11, and hangovers that you thought were terrible but would seem like small headaches when you're 22 and trying to keep up with college-level drinking. This was what the weekend was for. However, this teacher obviously loved to ruin everyone's time and force them to study and work on this project. 

With the final bell, the teacher headed out first followed by a mass of same-dressed students who were eager to see the possible stranger that they would be paired with. Jeongin left first, keen to leave but also being able to leave easily as he had brought nothing to class. After a few minutes, you and your friend followed behind the crowd, watching the mass of students as they shoved to look at the list of partners on the corkboard. Some sulked away, others jeered as they had been blessed with the partnership of a friend. Jeongin was one of the first to walk away, smiling smugly and playfully shoving his friend as they sat idly by, waiting for their partners to come to them.

After a few minutes of struggle, you and your friend finally made your way to the list.

"Who'd you get?" You ask as she studies the list first.

"That kid that sits behind us," she says.

"Oh, that's good! His name is Seungmin, he’s sweet."

"Yeah, but..." her voice trailed off.

"But... what?" You inquired, her voice making you uneasy. 

"You're gonna... your partner... just, see for yourself." She steps out of the way as your finger traces down the list to find your name.

And there it is. Next to your partners. And, frankly, you can do nothing but slowly turn and look at Jeongin leaning against the lockers behind you.

He gives you a small smile and raises his eyebrows.

"We'll meet at 5 in the library! I'll see you then!" He states with a twisted grin. With those few words said, he and his friend saunter off, leaving you dumbstruck with your friend praying for your well-being beside you.

“Y/n,” she asked with a soft touch to your arm, “are you okay?” You gave a stiff nod as you watched Jeongin walk away. 

God. Those fucking grey sweatpants look so good on him.

---

"You're lucky that you know the librarian well enough that we can be left alone here," Jeongin teased, looking up at the high ceilings and clearly impressed by them. His arms hung low as he carried the stack of books he had slowly accumulated in his arms. Well, you place them in his arms, he just took them because he didn’t really know what to look for or how to study or what this class was even about. 

You guessed by his expression (and from your past four years of being his victim) that Jeonging had probably never even set foot in the library. In fact, he had little to no intention of doing so for his whole high school career. Yet, thanks to you, here he was.

"I don't 'know the librarian,'" you groaned. "I volunteer here. Some of us need extracurriculars on our university applications. I just have the privilege of going here enough that I get an extra key to help lock up." You placed the book you were carrying on the wooden table and Jeonin copied your action, dropping the stack of texts with a sigh.

“In other words,” Jeongin taunted, “you know the librarian well enough to come here after hours”. You shot him a look before turning to the mess of textbooks and binders in front of you.

"We wouldn't be alone after-hours if we had just started immediately after class," you stated angrily as you sorted the books into piles for you and him. "But somebody had to go smoke with his friends outside, so now we've had to come after hours to study."

"Just know that it was a really good smoke break," Jeongin replied with glee as you divided up his and your reading materials, placing the books with a hidden rage that only came from years of bullying or sexual frustration. Or, in your case, a horrid cocktail of both. After you were done, you took a seat on one side of the table and gestured for him to sit opposite you. He got the hint and sat, immediately flipping through his books and shuffling them around, not even trying to look busy. 

"All I know is that we're here, alone, with no one else around and that I could trash this place if I wanted,” he continued with an air of cockiness you wanted to destroy.

At this point, you were really starting to regret everything that has ever happened to you. Sure, having a key to the school's immense library was a bonus of being a diligent student: you knew you could always escape here and it was entrusted in your care. Many times you had retreated to this place in the hopes of peace and quiet from the troubles of school. It was your sanctuary.

Now, an early library closing, a nicotine addiction, and a late study session had forced you to bring him here.

"I know you won't do that,” you shot back, “and I also know that I could just lock you in here if I wanted for the whole weekend.” Your response made his eyes go wide with what seemed to be shock and worry. However, when a smile broke out on his face, you knew that he thought your threats were empty. 

"You're fun!" He cheered. 

"I will lock you in here, Jeongin." You restated in a serious tone which he didn't seem to take as seriously. "Now,” you continued, “get started on studying. We have a lot to do and I have no intention of doing it alone. You need to look through the blue book. Read sections 2 to 4 and take notes on anything related to the assignment. Check the study questions, too: there could be info in the answers that could help us out."

"I hate that you're making me work," he complained in an obnoxious tone that could only be embodied by a teenage boy who had never been put in his place. "Normally I do nothing and the person just lugs me along."

"Well, I'm tired of carrying group projects, so you have to carry your own weight," you sighed. "Now. Start studying."

Jeongin gave you an eye roll before quietly retreating to his book. The silence quickly engulfed the library and you flipped through your book, looking at where to begin and fearing how much you had to tackle. 

Although this was a less-than-ideal situation, it did have its perks. To be honest, you never knew Jeongin could be quiet. It was nice to take quick glances at him while he studied, his face contorted as he analyzed the text and focused on his work. Just these few moments of silence seemed to give you hope. Maybe you could make the best of a bad situation. Maybe you could use this time to make Jeongin shut up for a few seconds and let you study his handsome face before being rudely disrupted by whatever dribble he decided to shoot out. Maybe this partnering was a blessing in disguise.

Your hopes were ruined as the silence was broken.

"God!" Jeongin groaned, leaning far back in his chair. "This is so borringgggggg!" Your annoyance immediately returned to your body. He was hot, but god did he like to pester you.

"Please, Jeongin, read the passages, I beg of you," you groaned as you looked through the books to find out the sections you were meant to study.

"Ughhhh..." he sighed. Suddenly, he loudly arose, chair screeching back as he picked up his books.

"What are you doing?" You asked, annoyed and barely looking up from the books you were still sorting through.

"I'm moving next to you," he responded as he waddled towards you, moving like a child who was purposefully aggravating a parent just for the fun of it. 

"Please, God, tell me why," you groaned.

"Because I'm lost!" He sighed, "I'm gonna sit by you because I hate being this far away and this lost at the same time. You have to help me Y/N if you're gonna make me carry my weight on this project."

As he slid himself and his books beside you, you prayed to every God you knew of—Jesus, Demeter, Allah, YHWH—that you would be vaporized then and there.

There was no escaping this irritation. Normally, you'd parry any advancements Jeongin made. Oftentimes, you would even take a different path home or avoid certain wings of the school altogether just to get away from him. To be clear, Jeongin didn’t actually frighten you. You weren't scared of Jeongin, you were just horribly, dreadfully annoyed with him. 

However, today was not a normal situation. There was no avoiding him: you were stuck with this fucking idiot on a group project with no hope of deflecting his pokes or prods.

"Oh, wait, before you start reading you should fix your glasses. They’re falling." He mumbles, "lemme… lemme just..." he then placed his pointer fingers on the center of your lens and pushed them up, readjusting the frames but dirtying your eyesight in the process. You shot him an angry look as he giggled, hating the smudge on the glass.

"If you must know," you seethed as you wiped your glasses off and placed them beside you, "I never wear them to read and study—two activities I still hope to do, despite your presence."

"Ah!" Jeongin dramatically fell back on his chair and grasped his heart as if he had just been shot straight through it. "Words hurt, y/n! I can't believe you would say such things to me! How dare you suggest I distract you!" He cried with a great fabricated sentiment.

Again, you rolled your eyes at his giggles and flirtatious fucking smile that made him look so damn dreamy that it made you want to punch a wall.

"Jeongin, please let me get back to studying."

"Call me 'Innie,'" he responded coolly.

You let a beat pass as you tried to process what he just said.

"...What?!" You hissed at him. That certainly got your attention.

"Call... me... 'Innie.'" His smile widened and he leaned forward, his face inches from yours and moving closer as he enunciated each syllable with mischief. 

Part of you wanted to push him away. You wanted to leave the library, march straight home, and write a strongly worded email to your teacher telling her that, despite her requirements, you desperately wanted to complete the assignment by yourself.

The other part of yourself, however...

Shamefully, that part wanted him to lean in closer. It enjoyed his playful smile and tone, and thought about how wonderful it was that you two were together, alone, uninterrupted. It thought about all you could do behind closed doors. It thought about things that made you anxious and confused and, frankly, made you want to turn your brain off.

So, you agreed with the former part.

"Jeongin," you stressed, leaning back. "Please go back to studying. I don't have time to play your silly name games." His exaggerated groan to your response almost made you crack a smile. Almost.

"Come onnnnnn, Y/n!" He wailed, voice echoing throughout the archives. "You don't even have to say it in public! Please! Only once!" Suddenly, he leaned in again and his face was now mere centimetres from yours. His voice was hushed and his eyes had a strange look in them, something that was serious and tempting. It seemed like he was trying to be playfully urgent in his words, but his voice made each syllable come across as languid, as if he were edging you on, almost daring you to obey him.

 "Just say it to me. Now, in private,” he pleaded.

Uh oh. That part of your brain that you tried to ignore was coming at you with a vengeance. You hardly noticed that your cheeks were starting to burn. Gathering all control, you tried to put an end to this foolishness. 

"We won't ever be alone together after next week,” you replied calmly. 

"What... what makes you say that?" He asked with a discouraged curiosity.

"Well... I can't imagine you'd want to hang out after this... after all..." you trailed off.

"After all...? What?" He continued, "After all 'I'm the smartest person in the district and intend to graduate top of the class so I don’t have time to hang out and do scumbag shit with my bestie Innie?"

Okay. Maybe Jeongin actually could humour you. After all, that impression is spot on. The blush on your cheeks had cooled now, but you had not noticed: your mind was too busy malfunctioning over the fact that you were smiling at something Yang Jeongin said to you. Jeongin had genuinely brought a smile to your face, and he seemed to notice, too.

"Woah! There's your smile!" Jeongin jeered, "I've been trying to get you to smile for like three or four years! 'Bout time!"

And just like that, your smile had disappeared without a trace. Your facial muscles even relaxed immediately, feeling no lingering strain from the act. How dare a fucking man tell you to smile, and to try and say that he has been wanting you to do so for four fucking years after bullying you for those same four goddamn years?! You felt like your chest would explode.

"What?! Where did it go?!" Jeongin whined, defeated and pouty because of it. "Pleeasseeeeeee smile again, y/n! You look so adorable when you do! I mean, you always do, but your smile! And I know you need your glasses and you look so cute with them, but I can finally see your whole face without them! Come oonnnnnnnnnn! Smileeeeeeee!!!"

Woah. Okay. Those words had sent that stupid, gullible, optimistic part of your brain into a frenzy. However, you clenched your jaw and kept a steady breath. You couldn’t let yourself get carried away as you knew it was all just a game to him. Everything was a game to him.

If Jeongin was telling the truth and that he thought you were “cute” or “always looked adorable”, you would have truly allowed yourself to believe his words. You would have beamed knowing that he thought it was beautiful if you did or didn’t smile, unable to hold back a response to his affection. If he was telling the truth, you were even ready to blush, beg, plead, flirt—whatever it took to keep him talking about how pretty you looked.

Yet, you are a pessimist, through and through.  Before your imagination could run off with the idea that Jeongin’s words were honest and genuine, your heart twined knowing that whatever he was saying was likely far from the truth. What Jeongin said was likely rooted in some foolish, mean-spirited, and twisted way of teasing you. He always did something like this after annoying you: poke the bear then tell it how lovely it looks before it has the chance to chase him down. It was just like those boys in junior high who would yell across the class claiming that “his friend liked you" while the very same friend made disgusted faces. The boys would laugh then, as if the very idea of loving you was a joke. The girls, however, would share a solemn silence, a solidarity only experienced by the victims of female adolescence and the macabre.  A

After all these experiences, you knew two things: boys were assholes and they were bullies. And Jeongin was part of them. 

So, at this moment, you felt dizzy from the sheer humiliation of his words and your  bubbling hatred. You couldn’t believe that Jeongin had the audacity to tease you like this, to say you were pretty when you knew that he had nothing positive to say about you. Saying such sweet things to you with nothing but ill intent behind them made you want to tackle him. Fuck his good looks or his conceited yet insanely attractive attitude. 

So, instead of letting yourself be hopeful and toy with the idea that he may actually be saying a nice thing, you did what you did every time: move past it and try to suppress your anger.

Clearing your throat, you returned to your book.

"Affection and coquetry won't work on me, Jeongin," you stated, eyes burning into the pages to try and ward off the pain in your stomach from his words. 

"Oh, really?" 

God. When will he learn to give up?! He leaned playfully on his hand and swiftly placed his elbow on the table, simultaneously and seamlessly nudging your book out of the way with a coy smile. The act made you huff through your nostrils and dignify his presence with a glare. He didn’t even register the pain his words had caused you. 

"They won't," you respond emotionlessly. All your emotions, however, became quite clear as you pushed your book back to its rightful place and shoved his elbow out of the way in the process, making him hiss from the pain. "And I doubt anything you do to me would count as flirtation."

Jeongin's sour face from the ache in his arm quickly changed to a wide-eyed, agape look. Oh no. The face of mischievous curiosity.

"I take that as a challenge!" He boomed.

"Oh, God, please smite me now," you mumbled, anxiety and rage rising. 

"I just gotta figure out what you like about me and just really capitalize on it," he pondered aloud.

Well. That statement made you scoff.

"I like nothing about you," you dryly stated.

“Oh, come on!” He responds, hoping your words were of off-beat humour rather than born from frankness. Your annoyance was boiling over, unable to contain it.

“No, it’s true,” you stated with malice. “You tease me about my looks and try to make me feel pretty just to tear me down. It’s honestly sickening and, frankly, after four years, it’s kind of unoriginal, Jeongin.”

“Y/n, what?”

There was no humour in your voice in the next words you spoke, no inkling that what you said could be taken lightly. You had let yourself speak freely and felt the burn of horrid words as they dripped from your tongue. 

 “In fact, I would say I’d rather hate you. Extremely so.” 

Silence engulfed the room. Not even the squeak of the chair as Jeongin shifted could be heard. You glanced up at the boy beside you. Jeongin was still and silent: two things he never was.

"...What?" you asked, your words met with no response but the cold echoes of the library. 

“Y/n, how could you say that?” His voice almost cracked as he asked the question. You glanced up at him and caught his eyes. They were glassy, empty.

Oh no.

Oh no... that dreadful empathy inside of you made your heart ache and your stomach churn. How could you feel so horrible after saying one mean thing when he's been nothing but disrespectful to you for four years?!

"I, umm... I—I mean" you tried to defend yourself without seeming like an asshole, which was becoming increasingly difficult as your mind raced to fill the space. However, you realized you had nothing positive to say at all. “Ah, fuck it,” you whispered under your breath. “Jeongin, be serious. Why would I like anything about you when you are nothing but mean to me?"

"Mean to you?!" He spat back, breaking from his hurt trance and turning to anger, simultaneously exacerbating your rage. "When have I ever—!" 

"You've been mean since the moment we met!” You shot back, “"You taunt me, tease me, and even follow me when we run into each other. It is hard enough dealing with academic stress, then I'm paired with the bully that makes my life a living hell and—"

"Bully?" He repeated with some distaste in his mouth and a saddened look on his face. "Is that what I am to you!?"

"What else would I call someone who's followed me every day for four years and has done nothing but jeer at me with his friends?! It is hard enough wanting to please everyone and excelling at school despite what I tell myself. But then I get some guy harassing me every day like it's his fucking day job. What else would I call him if not a 'bully'?! What, Jeongin, what?!"

The library walls repelled your voices again and let its old age absorb the hateful things you spat at each other. Slowly, the sound waves dissipated and silence consumed the wooden room. As the quiet settled, Jeongin let a beat pass, nothing to be said as he, too, let your words sink in.

"I... I just wanted..." His voice was hard, stern at first. Then, he sighed, cleared his throat and darted his eyes away, tone changing to a nervous and humble one. "I just… I'm sorry, y/n. Please know that, okay? I never meant for it to be like that or to go this far or even in this direction. Please know that."

The library had never seemed so unsettling to you until this moment.

Your mind dissected his words, prodding them and pulling them apart and trying to find if he was being malicious. Strangely enough, his words seemed... genuine. 

Great. This meant two things: 1) that he was genuinely sorry after bullying you for four years, and 2) that, if you wanted to be the bigger person, you had to accept it. Worst of all, your brain came up with the perfect way to accept his apology and also humble yourself, and you really hated how perfect it was and how humiliating it would be. Sometimes, your really fucking hated how your brain worked.

"Innie,” you said softly, “Thank you.” 

Jeongin's eyes went wide, so wide you swore they would pop out. The gasp that followed made you believe that he would consume all the air in the room. 

"Say—say it again!" He stammered out excitedly.

"No," you replied as you cracked a small smile. "Take it as a peace offering. I, the person who spoke so ill of you, am extending an olive branch to you, the man who has wronged me."

"I understand so little of that metaphor but just know that I'm happy," he smiled. You rolled your eyes at his idiocy and smiled.

However, before you could conclude the discussion and finally, finally, finally, return to your book, Jeongin raised his hand in a half heart.

Hand. Jeongin's hand.

"What... what are you doing?" You mumbled out, studying his digits.

Pretty, big hand.

Fuck. Not these thoughts. Not now.

"C'mon, y/n! I'm making a heart for you to finish! As a peace offering or a tree branch or whatever you want to call it! Like this, yeah?" He demonstrated by making the shape with both hands, making a complete heart and showing it to you with a boyish grin.

Big, soft, veiny hands.

"Uh, y-yeah, Jeongin," your hand was shaking as you raised it to his own. Fuck, they were even bigger in comparison to yours. 

Hands. Hold. Touch. Big and veiny and... big...God, what well is big?

That fucking part of your mind needs to shut the fuck up before you lobotomize yourself with a #2 pencil. Luckily Jeongin’s giggles as your hands briefly met to form a heart between the two of you snapped you away from such thoughts.

"Guess we're friends now, huh?" You muttered, trying to distract your perverted inner monologue.

"Aw, y/n!!!" He boyishly cheered. His impish smile was contrasted by his low chuckle. However, your own joy was challenged when Jeongin quickly interlaced your fingers in his.

Oh no. 

My tiny hand in his.

"Wait, your hands are so small!"

So big... so big compared to me... so soft, so warm...

"Y-yeah, I've heard that before."

"They’re so adorable! My hands look so big compared to yours, yeah?" His other hand lightly traced your wrist before grabbing it and forcing you to spread your fingers to compare hand sizes.

So, so big. Could barely wrap my hand around him. Could barely wrap my hand around his—

“Wow you’re right,” you responded nervously. 

You started to feel that strange feeling, the one you only experienced in solitude in the dead of night, not sitting across from a man who may or may not be your bully anymore and is using you like a plaything. God, why did that thought make these feelings even stronger? You crossed your legs and hoped to squash the voice in your head.

"Like woah! I knew my hands were big but this is crazy!"

Don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it—

"Do you have anything else that’s big that I should know about?"

...oh fuck.

This library has gone through too many auditory extremes today. You know that this has got to be the loudest goddamn silence you have ever or will ever experience in your life. Both of your eyes were wide, your stare locked in with his as you sat engulfed in shock.

For the first time today, you felt just how hot your face was.

It felt like an eternity was passing within these seconds of horrifying, dreadful awkwardness. You prayed that once you would finally blink that he just be gone. Sadly, he still sat there, face unchanging and unforgiving.

His hands still held your own.

Breaking the silence, he let out the driest of coughs.

"Well, it's—"

"I-I'm sorry," you stuttered out. "I didn't mean to—"

"It's—It's no worries, truly," he stammered over. The silence came again, but less horrendous this time. Or maybe it was worse, you couldn't decide. All you noticed was the fact that his hand still hadn't left yours. 

Jeongin decided to speak again, quieter this time. His eyes were wide, but glancing around frantically, trying to search for the right words. A harsh blush was forming down his ears and hard turned his honeyed skin into a scarlet red. You were strangely comforted knowing that he was just as mortified as you.

"I-It's wrong you know." He hesitated to continue. You, however, were all ears.

"Jeongin," you said slowly, "whatever do you mean?" He sighed, embarrassment consuming him.

"My friends looked it up and... apparently nose length is a more accurate measure.... but... you know..." Though you were fascinated to learn about this new little tidbit of info and that Jeongin actually knew something, you were way too focused on what he wanted to say.

"But what?" you asked in a small voice. His palm was sweating against yours as heat radiated from him.

"Well, just that.. you know... it's not like a rule. There are exceptions. It's just like a theory, yeah?" You nodded, glad to understand what he meant by that. Yet, you swore, that as he finally dropped his hand, exposing your skin to the bitter air of the dusty library, Jeongin uttered a brief  "I should know." Though you wanted to poke and prod, you opted to just nod and turned with him towards the table, staring at the stack of unread books. 

“Anyways…” you said, breaking the silence, “let’s get started.” Still, you couldn't help but sneak quick looks at Jeongin's face, trying to decide whether or not his nose was longer or shorter than average.

This had to be your least productive and positively worst study session ever. 

"What section do I have to read again?" Jeongin asked.

Oh, thank God he said that. You much preferred harassing him about not paying attention than whatever the hell you just experienced.

"I told you," you sighed, flipping open his book and pointing at the contents. "These sections! 2 to 4! Please! Start!"

"But what if I get borreedddddd?" Jeongin groaned. There he was! There’s the annoying Jeongin you know. "I can barely see what you pointed at anyways! Can’t you just help me out?"

"Ohmygod," you muttered, tired but willing to do anything if it meant he shut up and study. "If I were to help you for a bit, do you swear to properly study and leave me alone after?"

"Pinky promise!" He smiled gleefully and stuck out his extended, large pinky finger. After staring blankly at the digit, you linked your smaller pinky around his and slung your head in defeat.

"Okay," you muttered. "Let's begin."

For a bit, this plan worked perfectly. After only 20 minutes, you read through section 2 together and helped point out the more important parts of the text. The 20 minutes were difficult, however. Being this close to him, being able to smell his cologne—which was nice and smelled expensive, contrasting his scruffiness—and brushed shoulders with him was almost too much. Wow. You really were touched starved. Nevertheless, your own lameness was virtually undetectable to you. You were more focused on how well Jeongin retained the information and how neat his words were. You guessed that his utter stupidity was most likely due to his inability to focus, which was still a struggle even as you helped him. Nevertheless, as you began section 3 and were about to return to your own work, you knew that he had already come a long—

"HOW LONG HAVE WE BEEN DOING THIS?" Jeongin cried.

Ah. There he is.

"Just a little more, Jeongin, okay? Please, just be bearable. I have my own work to do," you whined, stomping your feet from exhaustion. Even when he was trying to be polite, he still knew how to get on every one of your nerves.

"Can you please just keep helping me? Just this section and then I swear you can get back to your work?" He pouted. Was... was giving you puppy dog eyes?

You sighed. Again, defeated.

"Yeah, sure," you replied, "let's start here—"

"Y/n?" He interrupted. You rolled your eyes.

"Yes?" He let your snark reply hang before smirking.

"Come closer," he nudged playfully with a smile you would almost consider flirtatious if you hadn't been constantly reminded about his disobedient behaviour for the past hour.

"Why?" You asked genuinely.

"You're squinting! You said don't read with your glasses on but it's straining your eyes! Just..." he thought for a moment, glancing around. "Ugh, whatever! Here—"

Unexpectedly, his hands found their way around your body, slinking under your legs and around your back, sliding under your thighs and brushing the exposed skin.

"Jeongin! I can just put my glasses on—" you blabbered out nervously as he continued to lift you.

"Just come here, fuck!" He shot back, finally raising you from your chair and sliding you onto his lap.

"Jeongin!" You yelped.

Normally, anytime someone picked you up made you want to scream. This, however, this made you want to die.

As if by some magical swiftness, you had now found yourself sitting on Jeongin. Well, not on him. Just between his legs. His long legs were spread out, your thick thighs barely fitting onto the chair as he caged you. And he hadn't remembered to tuck your skirt in when you sat down, so now it splayed open. It had ridden up, exposing everything but your white cotton panties, and was surely flipped onto Jeongin's pants at the back. You just prayed he couldn't see anything. However, he probably couldn't considering how close he was. Worst of all, he kept you close by resting his hands on your hips, making sure you sat still. The pads of his long fingers held your tummy softly, dipping into the fat as his thumbs rubbed slowly up your lower back.

You swore you had never felt so warm in your life. As you broke out in a sweat, you feared that his wolfishly big hands were paired with a keen sense of smell.

"There!" He giggled, resting his chin on your shoulder and leaning his head against yours, studying the book with intentness that starkly contrasted the intimacy of how he held you. "Now you can see well!"

You opened and closed your mouth a few times trying to find something to say. Though his completely nonchalant demeanour was to be expected, you were still shocked but the literal position you were in. Not to mention the way his thumbs slowly drew circles on you while his hands shifted to hold your stomach. Your stomach for godsakes. How does he know exactly where to hold you to make you feel so secure and so goddamn embarrassed at the same time?! You pressed your thighs tightly together, trying to smother the weird feeling building between them that you tried so desperately to avoid. While you squished them your legs, your thighs were simultaneously crushed on either side by Jeongin's own, which were incredibly muscular: a feature you had never noticed until you were stuck between them.

"How..." you asked, "How did you do that? Aren't I heavy?"

"Am I complaining?" He asked back, a smirk in his voice. He wrapped his arms around your waist now, tugging you closer and pressing his chest fully into your back. "If you were ‘too heavy’, you wouldn't be sitting here right now, hm?”

"I-I suppose..." You start, not knowing what to say next.

"Now," he sighed with an air of exaggerated contentment, "if you want to finish this project sOooOOoo bad, then help me study!" God, how could he have you in the palm of his hand— literally— and still manage to pester you?!

"O-okay," you stuttered unsurely. "Well, let's start here and—"

"Mhm," Jeongin hummed, still massaging your fupa lightly and pressing his chest firmly against your back. You tried to burn a hole into the bookk—a feeble attempt at trying to distract yourself.

"A-as you can see," you coughed, "this section is more about analyzing the um..."—one of his hands started to rub lower—"the events t-talked about in the previous section a-and"—the other starts moving up, ghosting over your chest and playing with the top button of your shirt, leaving your tie untouched despite how you desperately wanted to loosen it—"t-trying to c-contextualize the previous section and… p-provide some background and… umm…."

"Gosh, y/n," Jeongin chuckled as his fingers rubbed the column of buttons, "I thought you were such a good student, but you seem so distracted. It's funny really."

Maybe he’s just distracted, you tell yourself, trying to reason what in the hell was going on. After all, he can barely sit still in class and often toyed with loose hems or drew on the margins of his papers. Therefore, it was perfectly reasonable to assume that he was just doing the same now: toying with your uniform as a means of distraction. He always played with you anyways, so it was safe to assume that it was some attention deficit that caused him to trifle with you. That's all it was. Or, at least, you prayed that would be the truth. As his hand fiddled with your skirt’s hemline and the other began loosening your tie, you were just hoping that this was all some absent-minded game for him. If that were the truth, then hopefully this dreadful pressure from between your thighs would disappear. It was building with every second and your panties were now so tight, so straggling, and so wet, latching onto your folds and aiding in your growing shyness.

"J-Jeongin," you began, "c-can you—"

"Innie, please, y/n," he teased in a low voice against your ear. "To you, it's Innie." Though you wanted to scream at him for uttering that petname again, you decided to push your pride aside. You needed him to stop, and you needed to utilize every tool in your arsenal to do so.

"I-innie," you stuttered out, shivering from the warmth that lingered on your ear from his breathy voice. "Can you please stop... you know... t-touching me?"

Again, Jeongin laughed. But, this time, it was drier, with less playfulness behind it and less mercy.

"Aw, y/n," he whispered into your ear, causing you to squirm a little, "I thought we were just having fun. Are you really getting all worked up over a few little touches? I thought you would like it more, you know, considering it's my big hands doing it." His last words were strongly enunciated by his hand tugging on your tie to gain access to your collar buttons. He started to play with them as you huffed, undoing them teasingly.

You were fuming at his words, knowing that: 1) he was just doing this because—at his core—Jeongin was just a fucking asshole, and 2) he was, sadly, correct. Still, you were determined to not let him know that he was right. Knowing him in the way you do, you couldn't let him take this victory

"I-is that really what this is about? Are you really hanging on to that! I had a lapse of judgment f-for one second and—" another button was undone and he began working on the next. After this next button, your bra chest would be exposed. It was only covered by an ill-fitting bra and you silently cursed your frugal self for not investing in better undergarments. Still, you continued. You had to. "I-I just fucking hate that you'd bring it up again! You just love to make fun of me d-don't you?! God, Jeongin, it is so typical of you to t-tease me like this and—Ah!" 

The sound of clattering buttons across mahogany and the sudden exposure to air frightened you. Jeongin, however, didn't seem to mind.

"I told you," he stated in a voice you had never heard him use before. "It's 'Innie'. Yes?"

Clearly, he had gotten sick and tired of you talking. He just wanted you to finally be quiet, much like how you wanted him to do the same. To accomplish this, his hands found the opening of your shirt and ripped the fabric open, scattering the last of your buttons, ruffling your shirt, and exposing your chest to him. In exposing you, Jeongin gained the upper hand. It was obvious that all pride, all power you had disappeared. However, his action had also done something else: the sensation you tried so desperately to conceal was making you hopelessly needy. You unconsciously began to twist your hips, rubbing your thighs together in hopes of eliminating the feeling.

The book in front of you was long forgotten.

"Yes..." you replied back in a small voice. "Yes, Innie. S-sorry." You could almost feel Jeongin smile behind you, but, if you truly could, you didn't notice due to his hands returning to their place on your collarbone and stomach. His fingers now languidly traced your clavicle while the other massaged your tummy, fingertips slowly digging into your skirt and pulling out the parts of your shirt that were still tucked in. 

"What a good baby," he chuckled, paying no mind to the nickname, though it made you redder than blood. "So fucking horny and no way to ask it. Such a fucking pervert. I bet you wanted this, didn’t you? You're even rutting back into me. Trying to get me worked up, hm?"

"No," you gasped with deep embarrassment, "never!"

"Tut tut, y/n," he tsked. "I know you're up to something."

"If anyone is up to something, it's you!" You protested. Your exclamations only made Jeongin laugh.

"Now, now," he giggled, "you wouldn't want anyone—say, a janitor or a lingering teacher—to hear us and come in? Wouldn't it be bad to see their star pupil being fondled by the school delinquent? Wouldn’t it be bad for them to notice that you liked it?"

Fuck. He knew how to shut you up. You turned your head to catch his gaze, shame and that peculiar feeling spreading all over your body into a delightful mix that only exacerbated your guilt. He knew he had you.

"That's what I thought," he laughed. "Now—"

Quickly, his hands moved toward your chest, dragged your bra down, and began to pinch your nipples, massaging your breasts and causing you to moan. Your hips increased their shallow rolls in an attempt to alleviate the pain. As you did, you felt what you could only suspect to be Jeongin's growing erection pressing into your ass. He definitely hiked up your skirt sometime before and was enjoying the sight of his clothed cock rubbing against your panty-clad behind.

"Innie! W-what are you—?"

"Oh, baby," he laughed and he rolled your buds between his fingers, making you whimper, "You say I'm distracting you from studying, but now your acting like such a little slut from only a few touches. You're so sensitive. I swear, you could be a virgin, hm?"

You dared not respond, only offering him a shy look as he continued to rub your chest.

"Oh," he giggled, "oh, of course you are. My sweet little goody-two-shoes hasn't had anyone touch her pussy yet, hm? My little virgin baby, yeah?"

"P-pussy?" you repeated, knowing that the word was dirty from the way it left a delictable taste in your mouth.

Jeongin mused, "My my, you are inexperienced." He let out a laugh that brought tears to your eyes, though it wouldn't be the first time he had made you cry. You were so frustrated and felt so strange and your panties were so wet and surely see-through and fuck! While your mind raged. Jeongin let one of his hands slip down your body and down your stomach, moving his other hand to grope the tit it had abandoned.

"Your pussy," Jeongin continued, ignoring your squirms and internal war, "is this right here."

Everything clicked as his fingers rubbed the damp white cotton into your pussy, rubbing up and down your folds with his middle and ring finger, slowly stopping to rub your clit and make your head spin. You glanced down, noticing how large his digits were and wondered how much he could stuff inside of you.

"Such an innocent fuck toy, never been used," he rambled, tongue licking the conch of your ear and making you whimper.

"J-Jeongin—I mean, Innie," you corrected. You could tell he was pleased by the way he hummed into your ears while he nibbled on the lobe, an action that should not make you want to moan as much as it should. "P-please stop touching me, it isn't appropriate.”

"But I thought I was helping you study, y/n," he pouted in a pouty tone, fingers never ceasing their motions. "Isn't this keeping me distracted? Isn't this helping you study? I need something to fiddle with, and you’re the perfect fucking stress toy for me." A particularly harsh rub into your panties and a tight grasp on your chest made you yelp. "Aren't you liking this, y/n? Liking me touching your soaking cunt? Fuck, you even soaked through your panties, how pathetic. " He spoke humorously through gritted teeth. He returned to slowly groping you, kissing down your neck loudly and rubbing his erection into your backside. You felt like you were going to explode. 

"You are, aren’t you?" he panted as he rocked back and forth into you, drooling down your neck. "I thought you were a better student than this. I thought you were such a good girl who was put off by teasing. What did you call me again? A bully?" He said the word with joking vehemence; teasingly but backed by a viciousness that made you crumble. "Would a bully do nothing but defend you for four years? Would a bully beat up any fucking nerd who insulted your intelligence? Would a bully praise you and call you pretty only to be given the cold shoulder just ‘cause you didn’t believe it? Fuck, I wonder what the school board would think if they saw you like this, being fondled by a fucking bully." His words turned to mush in your head, your brain frenzying at his confession and his touches. 

"Jeongin, please, I didn’t know! P-please, I just thought you didn’t l-like me, Jeongin. I thought you were m-mean and—ah!"

Your pleas were cut short as Jeongin stood up and shoved you forward, bending you over the table as his chair loudly scraped. He ripped—literally, ripped off your shirt at the seams, the sound filling the room along with your cries, with your bra being pulled off next. You were left in nothing but your shirt and tie: Jeongin wanted you to be at least a little dressed up for him when he claimed you. He grabbed your hair by the root and pulled your head up, making you release a sound that was a mixture of a cry and moan. The pain was unbearable, but the suffering mostly came from the absence of Jeongin's hands on you. At this point, you had realized that this feeling was some disgusting, perverted form of horniness directed at a man you hated. It made you feel dirty and desperate. But, most importantly, it made you feel in dire need of relief.

"I told you, y/n," Jeongin growled in that angry voice which didn't suit your impression of him, "that isn't my name." He released your hair and let your head fall to the table.

"I'm—I'm sorry," you begged as he moved the discarded books out from under you and threw them off the table. "P-please don't do anything mean!"

Funny. It was really funny to see you beg for him. It made him chuckle dryly before he hung himself over your back, once again pressing his chest into you—which you could feel was bare, meaning he must’ve removed it in the midst of things, leaving him in only his sweats.

"Oh, my innocent little baby," Jeongin panted into your ear, "you will be sorry." Jeongin's playful and perverted voice was matched by his hands slowly tugging down your panties, an action that caused you to chant a mantra of "no's" as your pussy was exposed to the cold air. Eventually, he had gotten impatient and tore the fabric up, an act that made tears fall from your eyes.

"Aw, don't worry, y/n," Jeongin humoured after seeing your lip tremble when he returned on top of you, caging you in and rubbing his clothed cock into your exposed cunt. "I'll take such good care of you after you learn a little lesson, yeah? Don't you just love to learn knew things, you fucking inexperienced little know-it-all?" You squirmed under him, begging for more and praying that he would give it to you. Yet, it seemed that patience offered itself to Jeongin when it pleased, and now he seemed to have all the time in the world.

Slowly, he rose his body from yours and rested his hands on your ass, rubbing the flimsy skirt and toying with your fat.

"Such a dumb fucking little virgin," he groaned as he let your pussy dampen the front of his sweats, pressing his throbbing dick into your needy cunt and making you whine. "Needs to learn a lesson."

Swiftly, his hand pulled away and slapped your ass.

"Innie!" You cried from the feeling, tears continuing to fall as his hand reached up and spanked you again, filling the library with lewd sounds to accompany your moans and his grunts.

"Say my fucking name again," he whispered with venom as he continued to spank you, enjoying how your ass reddened with each hit.

"Innie, Innie! Please stop!" You sobbed, making him laugh.

"Just—a few—more," he stated, marking every few words with a repeated spank. His other hand toyed with your ass, enjoying the softness and how your untouched flesh contrasted the growing blush on the other cheek.

"Y-yes—fuck! Yes, Innie!" You whimpered.

"God, such a fast learner," he grunted, continuing. "Aren't I helping you study, now? What if I helped you study every day, yeah? Licked your little cunt every time you got an answer right and then spanked you when you get one wrong? Maybe that'll help with your studying. Do you want a study buddy, y/n? Hm? Do you?"

"Yes, fuck I do!" You sniffled in defeat. "Only Innie, only Innie can teach me. Please!"

Finally, after a loud and particularly harsh spank from Jeongin accompanied by a satisfied grunt, he decided that your study session was over. He settled his large hand on your ass and rubbed the scarlet skin to try and coax you back down. Your back rose and fell while your knees buckled from the torture he had just put you through. You let out a sharp hiss and every time Jeongin's hand lovingly fondled the abused flesh. Jeongin, however, was beyond elated and relished your pain. In another demonstration of his strength, he flipped your body over like a ragdoll and pushed you onto the table so your legs hung over the edge. He then slotted himself between his legs and greeted your puffy face with a broad grin.

"Such a good little student for Innie," he teased. Pushing into you further, he let his cock press against your soaking cunt and further drench his sweatpants in your juices. The warmth of your bares chests pressing together made you smile while the squish of your breasts made Jeongin rejoice in being able to indulge in the plumpness of your body. He placed a layer of kisses from your forehead down your face, licking away your tears and shushing your sniffles.

"Did I do good?" You sniffled. Jeongin held his body over yours, blocking the light above with his broad, bare shoulders. He looked down at you with a mixture of emotions behind his eyes which were hard to discern, but were surely good-natured, regardless of his previous actions.

"Of course, y/n," he hummed, "so good." He let his hands roam up and down your bare thighs to reassure you, coaxing a smile out of you.

"Really?" You asked with a lightness you didn't expect as you reached up to cradle his face

"Absolutely," he chuckled while only moving to lay his hand over yours. He leaned down again and resumed his trail of kisses down your neck towards your chest. Your hands helped pull him down to you. You played with his thick locks before trailing your fingers down his back muscles. 

"Such—a—smart—and—pretty—girl,” Jeongin cooed between every kiss to your chest. Each kiss between his words only increased your sense of pride and the neediness between your legs. The feelings only worsened when Jeongin finally attached his mouth to your nipple while he groped the other, suckling on you with a ferocity you didn't expect.

"F-fuck," you mewled as spit trickled down your chest.

"Are you ready to continue our lesson?" Jeongin asked while moving to suck on your other breast. 

"Yes, Innie" you purred as you arched your back to meet his mouth. “Always ready for you.”

He chuckled and continued to satisfy you a bit longer, caught up in your moans and almost forgetting the pain of his erection as it desperately kneaded your cunt. Despite your small protests, he finally pulled himself away. Smiling at your pouty expression, he sauntered backward and stared at your limp body before speaking. 

"Stand up."

It was embarrassing how fast you rose to the ground. You were only focused on following his orders, obeying him, needing more and fearing that you would get nothing if you were disobedient. You barely even noticed how naked you were until you felt the cool air meet your spit-covered tits. Yet, when you moved to cover yourself, you stopped when Jeongin gave a look that said “I am not afraid to bend you over my lap and spank you again.” He smiled when you let your arms drop to your sides.

"She's such a good girl," he muttered aloud, reaching out to pull you forward by your tie. Your eyes were only on him and his sweat-covered chest and dishevelled hair and raw lips that kissed your body so perfectly.

He let his thumb slide up your jaw as he tugged you to him, hand sliding up your cheek and holding your face before tilting your head up. Then, as if the punishment didn’t happen, as if this annoying study session didn’t happen, as if these past four years were just a fever dream that you had finally awakened from, he leaned down and captured your lips in his. He kissed you—truly kissed you—for the first time, but, surely, hopefully not the last time.

When he finally broke away, he studied your soft eyes and offered a small kiss to your forehead, as if he were sealing you as his and promising that "Yes, I am sorry for the way things were. I'm sorry that what began as meaningless teasing just for fun turned into a fucked up crush. I am sorry that I haven't told you until now. I'm sorry that I'm such a fucking perverted loser that I couldn't just tell the beautiful girl that I had a crush on for four years that I liked her. I'm sorry that it took four years just to kiss you. I’m sorry I kissed you under such circumstances. Just know that I want you. I want you, so deeply and so passionately, so please just drop to your knees and fucking suck my cock and let me kiss you and fuck you and hold you and let me be yours and you mine." Instead of speaking the words he wished, he simply changed his stare and licked his lips, catching the lingering taste of you on them.

"Wanna learn something new?" He asked rhetorically, thumb gliding on your lower lip. You didn't even respond to him. Not a nod or a hum. You simply just allowed your mouth to open and have his thumb slip in, immediately rubbing the digit with your tongue and soaking it in spit. You didn’t want to respond or even acknowledge the act, not when you waited four goddamn years to suck his fingers. 

"I'll take that as a 'yes,'" Jeongin mused. "I think you can assume what I want you to do." In response, you just gave your head a slight shake, still warming his thumb with your tongue.

"Really?" He asked in a mocking voice that made you wildly embarrassed and red. "You really are just a dumb little toy waiting to be used. Such an eager baby that wants to learn, yeah?" This time, you gave him a slight nod. Your hand traced his abs and stroked each line, unsure of what to do but unable to remain still.

"Okay then. Guess I’ll have to give my baby step-by-step instructions, yeah?" he sighed. "Get on your knees."

Needless to say, you were shocked by the request. Though you were glass-eyed at this moment and almost choking on just the length of his thumb alone, you still had a working mind; one that was not distracted by Jeongin's eagerness pressing into your lower abdomen or how he looked at you or how much he wanted you or how fucking good his chest felt or how he shivered when your hand traced over his nipples. Despite all of this, you still had a conscience, and it told you to leave. It told you that this was an embarrassing turn of events that could only end badly and that you should run away, leaving him with his cock still hard and unsatisfied, then report him to the principal for bullying or public indecency or something! You knew that you should go.

Instead, you simply sank to your knees. You still suckled on Jeongin's thumb while he shakily exhaled a chorus of "you're such a good girl, such a good student, so smart, so sweet, so soft". Your hands trickled down his abs before rubbing the soft fabric of his sweatpants that you wanted so desperately to be removed. They hung off him proudly and lowly, kept up only by a measly tied knot and displaying his adonis belt that drew your eye line downwards. When you finally settled on your knees, your fingers and eyes traced down these lines and fiddled with the top of his sweatpants. Your fingers then traced lower until your hand palmed his heavy erection, unsure of what to do as you massaged the length. He was so stiff and long and big and—

Oh. He was big. Even in your inexperience, you knew it. It must have been a good few inches above average. You gulped at his size, in awe of his length that he was done so well to hide. 

"Remember what you said earlier?" He asked, removing his thumb from your pop mouth so he could cup your jaw. He tried to tilt your head up, but it was too difficult with your eyes fixated on the heavy, large bulge that protruded from his pants.

"C'mon baby, remember what you said? Use your big girl memory and tell me," he cooed. Your hands rubbed up and down his thighs while your hips rutted against nothing, the pressure between them building exponentially due to neglect. He tilted your head again, meeting your big doe eyes and forcing your focus away from his strained hard-on.

"Innie," you choked out, fingers teasing the hem of his pants. "Hands... so big... so you must be..." He let you trail off and allowed your faze to return to his pants as they transfixed on the prominent outline of his cock and the stain on the fabric right at his tip.

"That stupid fucking theory about noses being indicators of size," he continued with a smile on his face, "is just that: a stupid fucking theory."

As if answering your prayers, he used his spare hand to slip the knot off. Then, with a small tug, he slowly lowered his pants enough, just enough to let his cock slip out. In turn, you were blessed with the picture-perfect image of his cock.

"Don't I prove that what you say about big hands is true, y/n?"

You just gave him a dumb nod, too needy to formulate proper words. However, he didn't need you to speak: he knew he was correct.

You always had a thing for his hands, but they were nothing compared to his cock. But together, when his large hands held his immaculately big, veiny, pulsing dick made your mouth water and dribble fall down your lips. His tip was red and leaking precum, begging to be touched or fucked or given some goddamn attention. He offered himself a few pumps, hissing as his heavy erection dripped fluids that you tried to catch desperately on your tongue. It wasn't enough. You needed more.

"Innie," you mewled, catching his attention. 

"Y/n," he gasped as he stared down at your teary-eyed expression that was so cute and obviously needed to be rewarded.

"Please," you mumbled with embarrassment, "teach me." Your hand then went overtop of his and tightened around it, subsequently tightening the grip on his dick and making him moan a little louder than what he was comfortable with.

"Y/n, f-fuck," he whimpered as he pinched his eyes. With your eyes still transfixed on his hot tip, you pulled his hand off his cock and allowed both of your hands to hold him, heat radiating off of his length and precum coating your hands until they were glossy. You pumped it slowly, just as he did, mimicking the motion and unknowingly teasing him more than he would like.

"B-baby, please just suck it," he panted. You glanced up at him again and felt the drool pooling out of your mouth and collecting on your tongue. Then, with great hesitation, you pressed your tongue against him and licked up his slit, causing Jeongin to release a shaky grown that was soaked in pleasure.

"J-just like that—fuck!"

Your hands kept a steady pace while stuck your tongue out, giving him persistent and repeated licks. Each time you re-coated his cockhead in slobber and coaxed more profanities out of him. Still, you maintained a steady pace and dared not to increase your speed. You wanted to hear him beg and cry and whine like this forever.

"Fuck, y/n, take more of it in your mouth," he begged as his hands rested on your head and tangled in your hair. Yet, due to your dumb state and how good he sounded, you struggled to obey him

"Oh, right," he panted out, "you need to be shown how to do everything. My baby is just a little dumb student who needs to be taught. She needs to learn how to suck Innie’s cock like a good girl, right Y/n?" You simply hummed in response, continuing to pump and milk him. Jeognin’s hand found stability on the back of your head and balled your hair once again. The pull made you moan and the strain burned just as delectable as it did before.

"Now, open your mouth wide," he chuckled. You obeyed him like the dumb fucking slut you were and allowed your jaw to go slack, still rubbing your tongue on the underside of his tip and making him swallow back a moan.

"Good," he praised in a strained voice. "Now, take it." Suddenly, he pushed your head forward and forced your mouth to take his cock, gagging on his girth and soaking him in warmth. The intrusion made you hum loudly and for you to tighten your grip on his pulsing length Jeongin, on the other hand, was completely oblivious to your teary-eyed gags and continued to shove himself into you, inch by inch.

"G-good job," he whimpered in a low voice that he hoped he couldn't hear, "so warm." Though you could barely breathe and your mind was shocked by the act, you still felt yourself dripping onto the hardwood floor below you. Despite your confusion, your tongue and hands seemed to know what to do. As you gagged on him, the wet muscle rubbed up and down on any part of his cock it could reach while your hands pumped what your throat couldn't take.

"J-just like that," Jeongin hummed. He pulled your head back then and allowed you to take a deep breath in before pushing you down again. Shallow thrusts allowed him to push deeper into you and fluids to leak from your mouth onto the floor below you. Lewd, wet sound accompanied your gags, making Jeongin beyond elated.

"Y-You're the best student, y/n," he hoarsely whispered. "So smart and you've learned to let me fuck your mouth so easily. Such a fast learner, such a g-good, good girl for her Innie, yeah?" You could do little but hum along.

"Aw, does my baby want to breathe?" He asks through pants, to which you replied with an eager hum. He pulled you off his cock and you immediately gasped for air, hands leaving him to wipe the drool off your face and dry your tears.

"Better?" He asked, a mixture of sincerity and domineering sadism coating his voice.

"Y-yes, Innie," you responded feebly. He smiled at your answer.

"Good." He then changed his expression to a stern look and released your hair, letting you settle on your knees and take a few deep breaths.

"Next step," he began as he lifted his cock up and harshly grabbed your wrist to hold it up yourself. After placing the heavy cock in your hand, Jeongin then grabbed the other hand and forced you to cup his balls, unchanging in his expression or demeanour. He stared into you and you stared into him. He tutted and cooed at your expression which eagerly awaited instruction, begging to know what to do.

"Suck them. Now."

The order was processed in your head and left you spinning. Yet, you immediately obliged. After all, you didn't want to disappoint Jeongin. He thought you were a fast learner and he wanted to train his stupid slut as best he could. If you wanted him to be proud of you, then you had to prove him right. As such, your tongue left quick kitten licks his balls and the underside of his cock. Jeongin, through whines and moans, began to pet your head and encouraged you, s if he was begging instead of trying to dominate you.

"N-now," he stuttered out, "Pump me, fuck my cock with your hand, y/n." Your hand picked up a fast pace that glided over his slick cock and only deepened the desperation in Jeongin's voice.

"Shit.” He gaped at how well you did it, how well you obeyed him. You even began to take control, going back to suck his tip while your hands fondled the parts your mouth couldn't satisfy.

"M-missed the taste of my cock yeah? Missed how my pre-cum tasted on your tongue?" He rambled as you pumped him eagerly and sucked harshly. Sweat dripped down his forehead and a blush spread down his chest from you. He couldn't help but speak when he got like this: he praised everything you did and began to tell you everything he wished to say.

"Oh, y/n, I w-wished you knew why I teased you," he confessed through pants, "I wished you realized how much I like to annoy you, to get your attention, to tease you—mmh, fuck! All my friends know why I do it... every day they ask why I don't just go up to you and tell you why. But I could never seem to." Your mouth parted from his tip, your hand quickly replacing it, so you could properly look at the man who towered over you.

"Why... why didn't you do it, Innie?" you asked, voice still hoarse from when he made you take his cock. 

"Because," he gasped out as he tried to steady himself. "Because... I like to tease you, to make you notice me. I just w-want you to notice me, you sweet thing, and take care of me like you are now. And you know what? I think that—f-fuck—I think you like it when I tease you, too." He was not wrong, and the ruined floor with the clothes and books on it was evidence. But, you also knew that he was right because here you were, sucking his cock and balls and choking on it with the greatest pleasure. You wanted him just as much as he wanted you. You wanted him to do things to you that you were too embarrassed to think about even in solitude. 

You impatiently returned to his length, each lap of your tongue and stroke of your hand making his moans louder.

"Y/n," he groaned. "Y/n, y/n, y/n—" His voice got quicker as your motions increased in speed and determination. "Fuck d-don't stop, such a good girl! Perfect fucking mouth for me, perfect, so smart, such a tease—god!"

Suddenly, his hand pushed your head and his cock was shoved down your throat, mouth hugging him as his hips made shallow thrusts into you and gags erupted from your stuffed throat.

"Y/n, y/n, baby, y/n, swallow, swallow, please—" his chants were high pitched as he continued to rutt into your mouth, "—so tight so warm, I— I—I can't—hmph!" Jeongin pressed himself into you as far as he could while his hips twitched, causing you to choke but not dare pull away, not now, not when you were doing such a good job. Your mouth—reddened and swore from Jeogin's abuse—now leaked his cum that couldn't be swallowed.

"That—that, I—" Jeongin stammered unintelligibly. Ever the gentleman, Jeongin pulled you off his cock and watched the remaining liquid gush from your mouth. The cum trickled onto your tits and worn tie, making you squirm and for Jeongin to take a shaky breath.

"So, so precious," he muttered through exhausted pants. You stared up at him, coughing from the misuse of your throat and the need for air. Still, you felt strange: needy, unsatisfied, like you needed the same release Jeongin did.

"Innie, I need—"

"Please, rest, baby," he cooed, stroking your hair absent-mindedly as his still-hard cock pathetically dribbled out cum. You licked your lips at the sight: the taste of his juices still lingered on your mouth.

"No, no, I..." You pawed at his hands and gripped his wrists lightly. The act took him out of his trance and look down at you. You were sleeked in sweat and cum, your thighs were pressed together tightly and coated in slick. You bounced with impatience, wanting more and more and not knowing how to ask for it. However, Jeongin may be stupid and a jerk, but even he slowly pieced together what you wanted.

"Y/n, you—"

"Innie," you urged as you started to pull him down towards you. As you pulled him lower, you laid on your back, bringing him down with you. "Innie, please."

"Y/n, you should rest—" Jeongin tried to argue while he sank to his knees and placed his palm on the floor to steady himself.

"No." When he tried to argue again, you placed your mouth on his and pulled him fully on top of you on the library floor. When your lips finally parted, Jeongin stared at you with hopeful eyes.

"Please," you sobbed. You grasped one of his hands and slowly guided it down between your bodies, rutting against it as soon as it was close enough to your cunt. "Innie, please make it go away."

Jeongin smiled. Who was he to say no to you?

His hand immediately found your clit and began rubbing tight circles on it, making you writhe and whimper.

"F-Fuck, it feels so good," you mewled.  Your pussy was gushing from the contact and it only became wetter when Jeongin licked his cum off of your chest. Bite marks and bruised skin were left behind in their stead, eager lips nipping at untouched skin. Though you hated being marked up and worried that it would show, you couldn't protest. Not when it felt this good, not when he was doing it.

Jeongin relished touching you, as well. He rubbed his cock onto your thigh while whimpering into each kiss. It was as if kissing you brought him to life, as if all of those years of teasing and picking on you had been worth it because he could fucking finally express his passion for you in a way that satisfied you both. Ever since he first saw you in the tight, ill-fitting uniform, he knew he wanted to be yours. Soon that feeling developed into the perverted dire need to bend you over the nearest surface and fuck you from behind. Now, as he was kissing down your chest, and fingered your perfect, tight hole, he knew he was so close to what he wanted.

"Fuck, I," he gasped out between kisses, "I can't." Unexpectedly, he sat up and fully slotted himself between your legs. Before you could protest, however, you found your knees pressed to your chest, your skirt bunched around your waist, and Jeongin was rubbing his cock through your folds.

"Jeongin!" You yelped.

"J-just the tip," he whined. "Innie is gonna put just the tip in and then he is gonna take such good care of you. He just needs the tip, just a little bit, just needs to feel his precious little baby, just needs the tip just—hmph! Fuck! Y/n, baby, t-take it."

Even if it was just his tip, you knew you were too tight for him. Just his cockhead alone was stretching you out. But, the pain, just like how he pulled your hair or spanked your ass or choked you, was amazing. Though you protested, it was all just for show: to rile him up or to maintain some semblance of propriety. Truly, you never wanted him to stop.

"I-Innie! It's too big! I can't— I can't it's too big— fuck!" You stammered as continued to push himself into you, filling you with more than he had promised. Your voice made him whine and push his face into the nape of your neck. Immediately, he began to nip and kiss your neck in a feeble attempt to control himself. Yet, as he plugged you, he knew that he couldn't resist. You just felt too good, too sweet, too soft, too warm, too wet, and too perfect to just put his tip in. With every shaky breath, he tried to control himself, but he just couldn't. After only a few seconds, he began to stuff you full.

"Innie! What are you—"

"It's j-just the tip, just a little more." His muffled stutters vibrated against your skin, "I just n-need you, just need my g-good little baby to fuck this cock and be good for Innie and take what I give her. Let me fuck your perfect cunt and fill your pussy with my cum. You'd like that, to be filled with my c-cum?" Jeongin was almost fully inside of you and viciously rubbed your clit with every centimetre. You had never felt so full in your life.

"C-cum, Innie's cum?" You repeated naively.

"Yeah, just my cum. Only mine, only Innie's. You're m-mine, just mine only I get to fill this with my cum. Yeah?" He rose and looked down at you, lips ghosting over yours. As he stared down at you, it was hard to pinpoint what he felt. Sure, there was the deliciousness of corrupting your naivety, being the first one to fuck your cunt, and how every inch that entered you made you moan louder and with more desperation. However, at that moment, as he glanced down into your eyes which were always so sweet, he was overcome by the dire need to protect you. He wanted nothing more than to love you and have you as his, more than he'd ever wanted before. His cock eased into you, your breasts were covered in his slobber, you had swallowed his cum, his dick was twitching from overstimulation, and all he could think of was how lovely you looked.

"Yes," you sniffled, "only for you, Jeongin, my Innie."

"Oh, y/n," he panted. His lips captured yours and kissed them softly, contrasting the quick friction against your clit and the stretch of your cunt accommodating his cock.

Then he pushed himself into you, impatience getting the best of him.

"Fuck!" You both whined at the same time: Jeongin from the feeling of your tight cunt hugging him so well, and you from how you were filled to the brim with him. His hands moved to your inner thighs, spreading them to allow himself to rest between them and hug his waist. He eagerly gripped the soft flesh to try and control himself. Softly, his thumbs rubbed your skin and he let out strained moans. Your eyes were pinched shut and, with your legs free, you wrapped them around his torso and pulled him into you. As you did, he pushed a little deeper, only a little, but you rejoiced in the sensation. You feared that if pulled out of you, you would crumble. It was all too much too soon, too fast and too good to let it end too quickly. Clawing at his back with tears streaming down your cheeks, each breath brought you closer to him.

"It's too much... Innie I-I can't I—"

"Please, please, y/n." The desperation in his voice made your eyes open and stare at him. His face had reburied in your chest and it took everything in him to look up at you. As soon as you saw the look on his face, you knew that it was too much for him too.

"Let me make you f-feel good," he panted as he pressed his forehead into yours, "j-just a little, just take it, p-please." He didn't wait for your response as he pulled out a little, clamping his eyes shut from the feeling of dragging his cock out of you and hissing to refrain from immediately pounding back into you.

"Shit, it f-feels so good," you sniffled as he eased back in.

"Yeah? I told you. S-such a d-dumb baby, so dumb for my cock." His voice made you whine and your hands go up to knot themselves in his hair, pulling it slowly as his hips found a peaceful rhythm that contradicted the merciless lust it made you feel.

"So dumb," you mindlessly repeated, "such a s-stupid fucking baby for Innie." Your words hitched as he made a particularly harsh thrust into you. 

"Innie,” you asked in a small voice, “d-do you like it when I say that?"

Jeongin panted, trying to control himself, "Y/n, I—"

"You like to know I'm dumb, yeah? My stupid little pussy n-not know how to handle your big, veiny fucking c-cock?"

"Fuck, please, don't edge me," he strained through gritted teeth and with fingers dinging harshly into your thighs.

"T-teach me, teach me to how to fuck your cock." 

He didn't intend to pick up the pace as quickly as he did. Nor did he mean to make his thrusts so harsh with such a lack of control that you moaned with each push and pull of his heavy dick. But, when it came to you, he couldn't control himself.

"I'm—gonna—fill—you—with—my—cum," he growled as he pistoned into you. His hands moved to your outer thighs, occasionally spanking them and enjoying each jiggle of fat with every thrust into you.

"Fuck, slow—please s-slow down," you sobbed as your tits dragged across his chest, your overly sensitive nipples. Jeongin, however, just chuckled, his laughs dying out quickly as they were replaced by quick breaths. His eyes became dark again and his grip on you tightened, sweat mixing with your own as precum made a white ring around his cock.

"Just know that it's gonna spill out of you, that I'm g-gonna fill you up every day and keep you stuffed with it," he whimpered as his hips rolled faster, making his eyes pinch shut. "So warm inside of you, leaking out and just waiting for me to stuff it all back in and cum again and again and again and again."

"Innie, it's too much, " you responded dumbly. Jeongin didn't care. He just loved to hear his petname come out in little whimpers. His eyes opened again slowly, taking you in. Fuck, you looked so cute and fucked out, so close yet still begging for more.

"What's my name? Say it," he demanded with a stern glare.

"I-Innie..."

"Say it again—fuck, say it again, baby," he gasped.

"Innie!" You responded on command, like a dog being asked to bark.

"F-fuck, please, y/n, one more time just once more please!" He panted as his cock dragged and drove into you at an unforgiven pace.

"Innie, Innie fuck me, please baby, Innie, fuck!" You whimpered

"Fuck, it makes you blush. Getting all embarrassed and flustered... I make you blush, huh? My pretty baby, my innocent y/n, so cute—shit!" Jeongin's voice suddenly caught in his throat as he felt you tighten around him. While his veiny cock pulsed with each thrust, your warm cunt throbbed as you felt that strange feeling build and build inside of you. One of his hands moved back to your neglected clit and started to circle it quickly, making you pant like the needy bitch you were.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck—ah! Y/n, baby, s-stop clenching or I'll—I'll—"

"Innie," you sniffled softly, your voice soaked in desperation. "P-please, make me cum. P-please, for me? Please!" You couldn't believe the words that left your mouth. Neither did Jeongin.

"Y/n, I'm—fuck—I'm gonna—" his thrusts became sloppy and your jaw went slack as you felt lust building to an inordinate degree.

"I'm gonna— Innie— fuck!"

"Y/n, my baby, my sweet b-baby I— cum, cum!"

"Innie!"

Your cunt began to pulsate and your back arched. The feeling was unimaginable, like nothing you could ever describe. It came over you quickly and suddenly, in a tremendous wave that you wish would last forever. Jeongin, in a brief moment of clarity, pulled out of you and rubbed his soaking cock quickly, letting out occasional and short grunts as he fucked his hand. Then, his hips stilled and cum began to spill out of his tip, coating your stomach and cunt in his cum. Yet, you hardly noticed: you were too-fucked out to care.

Riding your orgasm, you sank to the floor and Jeongin collapsed on top of you. Both of you took deep breaths and he dropped his head against yours, eyes shut in ecstasy. His hands lazily dragged up your body before resting on your face. He pet the sides of your jaw and drew your eyes open to meet his. Seeing your eyes was like seeing a home dock in a storm. He pressed his lips into yours and stole your breath away again.

The kiss—unlike the moments leading up to it—was slow, soft. It took its time and ended only when you two were satisfied. After being brought down to reality, Jeongin pulled away and brushed some hair out of your face.

"Y/n," he softly said.

"Jeongin, Innie," you said back, twirling with his sweaty locks and massaging the nape of his neck.

"We..." he panted out before taking a look around, "We gotta clean this place up and get the fuck out of here."

You stared at him in awe before cracking a smile.

---

You felt weird walking in with Jeongin and his gang on Tuesday. Gang? Maybe like "gaggle of friends that constantly annoy you but you are now stuck with and quickly learning to love." Needless to say, it felt like all eyes were on you. Actually, it was true. Teachers, students, faculty, everyone: no one could believe that the top student was now walking hand-in-hand with someone who held the reputation for being the school's worst student.

Despite being an outspoken and confirmed hater of Yang Jeongin, here you were: walking in next to him, with his arm slung around you, and blushing at his cute jokes. God, when did Jeongin become cute?! What a horrid thing to think, let alone believe. Yet, you knew it. He was cute. And now, the whole school knew that you thought so. Or, at least, that's what your giggles insinuated.

Maybe you always thought he was cute and now you allowed yourself to believe it, like those intrusive thoughts were actually right all along, and, yes, you did actually think he was incredibly sweet and handsome, and likely the best boyfriend. It's only been four days but he already has promised to walk you to and from school every day and has dates pre-planned with you up until graduation. He hasn't told you about the latter part yet, but he will soon enough. He just needs to wait until you're a little more comfortable with him before he confesses how much he absolutely adores you.

Being an "it" couple was not on your goal list for high school. Come to think of it, being stared at when you walk with your boyfriend and losing your virginity to him a mere four days before in the school library was not on the list either. Oh, how plans change. Somehow, however, you didn't mind the stares. Though most were shocked at how Jeongin had bagged the school's nerdiest (and hottest) girl, how that girl—who hated the man—now gleamed at him with adoration, and how they ever managed to get together in the first place, the most shocking element was the fact that your uniform was not up to code. Every day for the past few years, you were a picture-perfect student with pressed dress shirts, even ties, and cleanly pleated skirts. Now, your tie was loose and you were even wearing a hoodie—fuck, his, hoodie?! Jesus.

As you walked to class, you couldn't care less. Jeongin escorted you to first period, giving you a sweet kiss on the cheek and almost smiling at how cute you looked all wrapped in his hoodie. Your fellow students—hell, even the teacher—seemed bewildered by the interaction.

You, however, barely acknowledged them. You just noticed the man in front of you in a light that was so starkly different from the past four years.

"Got everything, yeah?" He said with a straight face.

"Yes, Innie," you smiled, making him glance away.

"I told you—" he started in a voice that was a little too loud, making him dart around to see if anyone was looking his way. And, of course, everyone was looking at you two because how could they not? The eyes on him made him uneasy, but when he turned back to you, all those uncomfortable feelings disappeared into nothing. He licked his lips anxiously and leaned in, adopting a hushed voice to try and retain a morsel of privacy. "I told you not to call me that in public, baby," he blubbered, "it ruins my image. Please, baby."

God, was he blushing? Fuck, he was perfect.

"Okay, Innie," you teased, making him ever redder. You stressed his nickname and relished in his embarrassed demeanour.

Huh. Maybe Jeongin had been right all along: teasing was fun, especially if it was done on the person you liked the most.

"Promise me you'll go to class, okay? I'll see you in last period, then we'll keep working on the project," you said.

"Ugghhghhhhh.." he groaned with a long-winded exasperation. "UGH... Okay."

"Great!" You smiled mischievously, "And we'll actually have to work on it. Unlike all those other times we... 'worked on the project' together this weekend."

"Y/n." His blush grew from his ears down his neck, still unable to make eye contact with you. You'd think that years of teasing you made him impervious to sly remarks, but when they're coming from you, well that's a different story.

"Why are you acting like this?! It was your fault in the first place!" You huffed with an air of playfulness. "I just wanna remind you that we won't be alone in the library this time!"

"Just... g-get to class, okay?" He stuttered, "I'll see you later, baby."  Extending his hand out in a half-heart shape, you completed it with a giggle, adoring how small your hands were compared to your boyfriend’s. Then, Jeongin softly wrapped his hand around yours and pulled you in, offering you a kiss to your forehead. When he pulled away, he readjusted your glasses as they had slipped down your nose bridge.

"Perfect," he said with a small voice. With a final giggle from you, he watched you go into class.

Now there was the issue of what to do with his day. Normally, he'd spend first period smoking outside with his friends, wait until second period for the cafeteria to start serving pizza, go to third just to eat, then go to fourth period just to see you.

Now.. fuck. He was actually going to class. He hated how you were already having an effect on his lifestyle, but rejoiced that you operated in a position that dictated his life. If he was to be controlled, he would want you to be the one pulling the strings. Jeongin seemed to see you for who you really were: determined, intelligent, and perfect to coddle. Looking at you even had an effect on him, one that he could now proudly display instead of hiding behind bullying and teasing (not to say he’ll stop teasing you anytime soon).

As he slung himself into his assigned seat for first period, his surprise was mirrored on the teacher's face. God. Despite having only a few days passed since you two got together, you were already changing him to a noticeable degree. Yet, it was for the better. And he smiled knowing that if he was changing, that it was for good and that it was for you.

#jeongin smut #I.n. smut #yang jeongin smut #yang jeong x reader #jeongin x plus size reader #jeongin x y/n #i.n. x reader #stray kids smut #skz smut

[thepapergirlandthespiegelman]

Hazbin Hotel isn't good, I just really wish it was

And so I bit the apple, and evil spilled forth into the world

This review contains spoilers for Hazbin Hotel.

I wasn't going to watch Hazbin Hotel. I've always gotten kind of a negative vibe from it ever since it first appeared on my radar years ago. It's hard to pinpoint exactly what put me off it when so little content had even been released, but I guess it just struck me as very crude and "edgy" in this juvenile and kind of offensive way; plus I had heard some vague criticisms that the creator was a not-so-great person, though I wasn't sure how true those rumors were.

But since the Amazon show came out in January, the algorithm has been pestering me nonstop to watch this show with advertisements, memes, recommended videos.

It makes some sense; as someone who enjoys both Lucifer and Disney princesses, you might think that I'm the target audience of this show. And there's not a huge amount of crossover between those two groups, so if I won't watch it, who the hell will?

So after seeing some stuff that intrigued me, I finally decided to give the show a shot and at least watch the stuff available for free (that's the pilot, episode 1, and the first 10 minutes of episode 2). This review is based on that content as well as other clips, the soundtrack, and what I've read online about the story going forward. If that makes this review null and void to you, feel free to stop reading. I generally like to experience the entirety of a thing before reviewing it, but I'm not eager to throw money at Amazon without cause, and in this case, I feel that a lot can be said based solely on this limited content.

My initial impression? To be honest, I was pleasantly surprised. Maybe that's because my expectations were through the floor, but it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. Both the pilot and the Amazon series have serious problems, but they have some strengths as well, in my opinion.

Starting with the pilot: I'll admit that it presents a very cruel, ugly world full of frankly unrealistically shitty people. The humor is juvenile and often tasteless. The dialogue can be pretty clunky, and the "insults" levied are often so pathetic that hearing them oscillates between boring and infuriating. The worldbuilding is poorly conveyed and hard to follow.

But if you can get past all that, and I acknowledge that that's a big ask, there are some interesting things about this pilot.

Angel Dust is an interesting character. One of the things I really can't stand is when media portray literally everyone as evil, but even in the pilot, it's made pretty clear that Angel Dust is not actually a bad person. First off, what exactly are his "sins"? Being gay and doing porn? Sure, he shows the capacity to be at least somewhat mean and violent, but you can tell from his interactions with Charlie, Vaggie, and Cherri Bomb that he's not actually malicious or sadistic. In the limo, he says, "I owed my girl buddy a solid; isn't that a 'redeeming quality'? Helping friends with stuff?" And like...he's correct! Vaggie dismisses this out of hand, but it shows that Angel Dust is able to care about other people, and this is reinforced later when he almost goes to comfort Charlie but gives up. There's a setup here for a story about someone who is good at their core but looks bad, either because they engage in behaviors that are socially taboo even if they're not actually harmful (e.g. homosexuality, sex work) or because they engage in behaviors that are actually bad (e.g. being mean and violent), but only because those behaviors are normalized or arguably required by their environment (I mean, what was he supposed to do? Just let his friend get blown up?). It would be genuinely interesting to see Charlie and Vaggie reckon with their own biases and black-and-white view of morality and come to see the good in Angel Dust, and then to see how Angel Dust might grow and change as a person when he actually feels seen and respected.

Alastor also has a lot of potential. His design and theming are genuinely interesting, a mix of ancient horned beast and 1930s transatlantic accented radio presenter. He's clearly a character intended to elicit intense fear, which means he can serve as an exploration of what scares us most. The "radio" theme presents some really intriguing ideas for this exploration. Alastor represents something that can be heard but not seen; not only this, but he can't even really be heard. We only hear his voice through the low-fidelity transmission of a radio, suggesting that what we're perceiving is at least a bit off from reality, somehow inauthentic, and that makes us wonder what horrors could be lurking in that gap.

It's obvious to me that Angel Dust and Alastor are the strongest characters in the show. Charlie feels like a cardboard cutout by comparison, and Vaggie is totally devoid of flavor. Angel Dust makes far more sense as a protagonist, so why does the show center around Charlie?

Hazbin Hotel feels like a show centered around a gimmicky premise: what if Disney princess, but in Hell? Ooh, how subversive, how funny! But it doesn't really know what to do with that premise. It doesn't really know who Charlie is, and it doesn't really know what Hell is. But it does know who Angel Dust is and who Alastor is, or at least it has the spark needed for those ideas to blossom into fully-developed characters, so why not start there?

Moving on to episode 1 of the Amazon series. Immediately, I was surprised by the direction in which they took the show. Based on the pilot, one of my biggest concerns was that the show would be solely about individual self-improvement and "redemption" and fail to address the systemic/environmental problems that are the ultimate cause of evil. I figured the show would likely center around individual sinners trying to improve themselves and then, after the necessary amount of struggle and conflict, they would succeed and prove to both Heaven and Hell that they were worthy of ascension, without anyone ever questioning why this system of sorting people into good and bad exists in the first place or how it can possibly be seen as ethical, even if people are ultimately allowed to move between the two. I figured Heaven would be portrayed as not evil but simply misguided or small-minded, and that, having rectified those inadequacies, the system would continue on largely unchanged. Happy ending, woooo.

Episode 1 makes it very clear that that is not the direction that this is going. Heaven is pretty clearly portrayed as evil, which was mostly a positive for me. I find the whitewashing of stuff like mass murder pretty fucking gross, so it's nice that the exterminations of Hell's citizens aren't being framed as morally justified.

Unfortunately, this does result in some narrative problems. The show depends on Charlie believing that Heaven can be reasoned with, and that if she works hard, they'll eventually see the light. But after being brutally rejected by Adam like that, why would Charlie continue to think that these are good, reasonable people who are just misguided? Not only does Adam deny her in the most explicit terms possible, he's totally pigheaded and unempathetic.

We're now getting into stuff that I haven't seen firsthand, but from what I understand, Charlie continues running her hotel and trying to negotiate with Heaven. She's able to prove that a sinner can improve themselves, but she's unable to get them into Heaven, and ultimately has to resort to trying to stop the exterminations with brute force.

If that's the case, then why have this reveal that Heaven is evil in the very first episode? Delay the reveal until closer to the end, have Charlie work hard to accomplish her dream under the impression that her work will ultimately pay off, only to have Heaven reveal that it was never about being a good person at all and merely about their desire to consolidate power for themselves. Then have Charlie reckon with that, how she's been putting all the burden on herself and her people to prove themselves, when the system was never fair to begin with and the people in power were just exploiting a narrative for their personal gain. Now THAT'S a spicy story.

I think it's my desire to see that story play out, and my respect for Hazbin being willing to make Heaven the bad guys (even if it obstinately refuses to say the G word), that has kept my interest in the show despite its obvious flaws. Somewhere in this tangled-up mess there is a story about questioning and resisting the moral narratives fed to us about ourselves by people who do not have our best interests at heart. There's a story about claiming your power and fighting back against oppressive systems.

Is Hazbin Hotel with its Disney XD-esque style and middle-school humor woefully unequipped to tell that story? Well, yes, yeah. And I guess that should have been obvious to everyone from the start. But it feels like a shame.

A similar problem with narrative trajectory occurs regarding Lucifer and Alastor. If we compare Charlie to the Disney princess formula, we see the obvious issue. We know that while Charlie's parents are very powerful, she's alienated from both of them (Lilith because she's missing and Lucifer because they have a bad relationship) and so doesn't have access to their power. In the pilot, we see that Charlie doesn't officially make a deal with Alastor, but she does allow him to work at the hotel. So we sort of have a Chekhov's deal situation here, where if Charlie was pushed to her limit, she might be tempted into making a deal with the devil. Triton won't let Ariel go to the surface, so Ariel makes a deal with the sea witch instead.

But what happens if Ariel reconciles with Triton before getting to that point? Well, then Ursula wouldn't have a tentacle to stand on.

And this is what happens in Hazbin. In episode 5, Lucifer is introduced and reconciled with Charlie in the very same episode. Lucifer is shown to be basically infinitely more powerful than Alastor and is genuinely and totally devoted to Charlie, so she no longer has any reason to depend on Alastor. He's lost all of his leverage over her and no longer presents any real threat, so...what the hell is his role in this story now?

I'm not saying Hazbin Hotel needs to copy the story arc of a Disney princess movie just because Charlie is inspired by Disney princesses. I'm perfectly fine with the show wanting to do its own thing. But it turns down a totally viable arc in favor of...nothing. Why?

The pilot so heavily teased the mystery of Alastor's character, what terrible consequences might result if Charlie were to make a deal with him. So like...let us see that! Hell, this could even be easily connected back to the main storyline that I was talking about before. Have Charlie be totally demoralized by the revelation that Heaven isn't actually good and that the world is deeply broken in a way she never even imagined. Maybe even up the stakes by making it more personal, like having Heaven threaten to specifically target her girlfriend or one of her friends in the next extermination. Push her to complete desperation and then have Alastor swoop in and offer her a way out. Still alienated from her father (or perhaps after attempting to get closer but being once more rebuked), she feels like she has no choice but to accept, and ends up in a bad situation. Then Lucifer sees her in trouble and shows up to save her, making her realize that he does actually care about her; and Lucifer, seeing how Charlie and her friends genuinely care for each other, is shown that sinners aren't just hopelessly wicked. Alastor gets his chance to shine and the reconciliation with Lucifer feels earned and meaningful.

This show has such potential to be both interesting and emotionally impactful, but it's hindered by its unwillingness to take itself seriously and thoughtfully plan out its narrative and character arcs.

It would be one thing if the show was just complete garbage. I know that a lot of people see it that way, but I really don't think that's the case. There is something here.

I'm not currently planning on watching the rest of the show. That could certainly change, especially if others tell me that it's worth it despite the problems. If you've watched the show (or even if you haven't), I'd be very curious to hear your thoughts on my evaluation.

#text #review #thoughts #television #animation #adult animation #Hazbin Hotel #Hazbin Hotel (2024) #storytelling #morality #Christian mythology #spoilers

[c0smicfern]

i've been in different kinds of pain over the past couple of days due to burnout, and it felt both spiritual & emotional yesterday. i've been slowly trying to accept more & more of my autistic traits over the past couple of months, so i normally don't feel bad about myself for being autistic these days. there was an element of that early on in my process of questioning & learning, but it made me feel like shit cuz i don't judge my friends for their autistic traits, so?? yesterday, though, i think i felt my understanding of my autistic profile kind of click into place, which also made that initial grief flare up for... some reason?? when i've heard other autistic people talking about feeling like things other than human in the past, i've been able to recognize those trains of thought in myself, just conditionally. i've had this self-concept for years that signifies that i'm essentially a creature like the doctor. human in appearance, sensitive, capable of compassion. i'm capable of connecting with others, but it's never going to be in the same way as they connect to others like them. i am a creature that trends towards loneliness in every environment i'm put in despite a desire to connect. there are some positives & negatives of existing this way. the connection that i form with another person tends to be more meaningful to both of us. i'm not extremely social, and i don't like talking unless it's about something i'm actively interested in. because of this, i only have a few relationships that i'm actively engaged in at any time. ultimately, i desire to connect & bond intimately with others despite the numerous difficulties i've had, but i also have little energy for social interaction, further limiting my ability to connect. i form close bonds with a few others when i'm healthy.

but because of the burnout, my energy for social interaction is diminished even further. i keep oscillating between crushing dread & complete numbness. i am locked inside myself despite my ability to communicate like this. i scream from the inside of my brain for relief while others try to connect, and we completely miss each other. they can't help me, and i have no energy to maintain connections. now, i do feel like an alien, no asterisk. there's been a regression, to be sure. shifting into and out of this crushing dread, i see myself as a child again because i lose my ability to speak just as often as i did then. i forgot what it was like to be this way. now i remember, and i remember why i used to cry all of the time. being this locked in is fucking terrifying especially when i want help. having no means to control it right now, i just want to isolate, else risk losing more & more people. still, i scream from the inside of my prison for help.

#i have people to talk to this about but actually having a conversation about it is difficult so here #rant #autism 👍

[adetectiveandadoctor]

Five Favourites

The rules of this circulating challenge are as follows: it’s time to love yourselves! choose your 5 favourite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you’ve brought into the world. tag as many writers/artists/etc as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

I haven’t been tagged for this, but I have seen this challenge go around during the last few days, and then decided to do this anyway, to give myself a little boost of morale.

Because, I have been struggling lately, to make progress with and let alone finish any of my fanwork projects. And as I came across this challenge, I thought I hadn’t completed five fanworks (gifs, edits, fics in my case), let alone more than five, in the last year.

But when I went and checked what I had created between May last year and May this year, I was surprised to find that I had created more than five fanworks, and that I even found it a little difficult to choose just five out of them.

So, here they are.

The first four are gifsets, the last one is a fic. (Just click on the underlined text, and it will lead you to the respective gifset or fic.)

In addition to linking to them, I am also going to use the opportunity and talk a little bit about what the works mean to me and about the thought processes which lie behind them.

1)

A gifset of Sherlock and John repeatedly ignoring Jim Moriarty at the pool (in TGG) and communicating with each other instead, via words, nods, looks.

This one actually forms a nice pair with another, second gifset that shows Sherlock and John communicating in their very own kind of language/ways.

(Yes I know, I am cheating a bit, putting two gifsets under point one, but these two sets just belong together.)

Recently, “myfirstisthefourth” commented on the second of the two gifsets in the following way: “YES!!!! The quiet subtleties of their relationship are practically Screaming. #communication #we have an understanding #a different kind of intimacy”

I couldn’t express it better myself, what these two gifsets are about. The intimacy and love between John and Sherlock, visible in the subtle ways they communicate with each other. And this is such a big part of what love and intimacy are about, aren’t they? To know and understand one another, and those times that one doesn’t, wanting to try and gain that understanding?

2)                                

The second fav I choose is one of the first gifsets I ever posted and also my most popular one to date. It’s a collection of Sherlock’s little appreciative smiles when John is being bold and clever, and/or supportive.

And I love this one myself, because, it raises the spirits, it shows how much Sherlock loves and appreciates John, how competent and intelligent John actually is, and, last but not least, it shows how well John understands Sherlock and how supportive he is of him.

Take the second gif, for example. Sebastian Wilkes has just demonstrated his disinterest and disregard for Sherlock’s deductions and for Sherlock himself.

John however, knows that Sherlock didn’t ask Sebastian’s secretary about his trips around the world. That Sherlock said that just to “irritate” Sebastian. John tells Sherlock that, and Sherlock smiles.

And then, John tops it all of with, unlike Sebastian, actually showing interest in Sherlock’s deductions, asking him, “How did you know?”

3)

My third fav is a gifset inspired by the song “Renegades” and Sherlock. 

This one is actually very personal and means a lot to me, even if that might not be apparent on first glance.

The song’s lyrics are a beautiful illustration of what Sherlock, the series, is about for me, of who Sherlock, the character, is in my eyes, and, consequently, of why I fell in love with both the series and the character. (I am not much of a fan of series 3 and series 4, but I still love series 1 and 2.)

At the beginning of ASIP, John's afraid to deviate from the norm, of not fitting in, that people will talk. He tries to live a normal, ordinary, civilian life, to function in society, but that's not who he is or what he can be.

On his blog, John describes Sherlock as someone who “sees through everything and everyone in seconds.”

And this is what Sherlock does when he first meets John, what he does for him. Sherlock sees him, really sees him, understands what kind of a person he is, the way he works, who he is.

Then he makes a plan of how to stop John’s leg hurting, of how to stop John hurting. Of how to give him back his agency, his confidence, and also fun and happiness in his life.

Sherlock comes along, gets John up on his feet again, and basically tells him: “People will always talk, that's what people do, but it's okay to be yourself, it’s okay to be different. And you are not alone, you can be different with me together. From now on, it's just us against the rest of the world.”

4)

Like the gifset before, this gifset, a crossover between Sherlock and the poem “Alone” written by Edgar Allan Poe, is also very personal and means a lot to me.

It is about Sherlock as a character. About him being and feeling out of sync with the world and other people. And the boredom, sadness, and loneliness he feels as a result.

I chose certain lines of the original poem and rearranged them, changing their chronological order. Then I matched them with gifs from certain scenes of Sherlock, illustrating them, and extending the meaning of both the lines themselves and the scenes.

5)

Last but not least, I choose my fic “ Sources of Light and Warmth” which I wrote and published in late summer/early autumn of last year.

It is a Johnlock fic, that imagines an alternative way of how Sherlock and John’s relationship could have progressed after s1.

This is how I summarized the fic on AO3:

Sherlock reopens his eyes to find John standing in the kitchen entrance, drying a mug with a towel and looking at him. “What were you thinking about?” John asks, a warm smile passing over his face. “You.”

Not tagging anyone specifically. Anyone who sees this and wants to do this, go for it!

#sherlock #john #johnlock #bbc sherlock #gifs #fanfic #my gifs #my fanfiction #my edits #five faves #five favourites #fav #john watson #sherlock holmes #i have been oscillating between all kinds of negative feelings #sadness and anxiety for the most part #and frustration with myself #and i have been unable to make any significant progress on the two fics i am writing #so i decided to do this to try and cheer myself up a bit #my works

[himboskywalker]

I’ve been wanting to talk about this for awhile. At the age of 25 I finally realized that I have adhd,and discovering that has both been an immense relief and extremely difficult. I went my entire life feeling different and set apart,and knowing that I wasn’t like my peers and there was something about me unique. And a struggle of realizing that I am neurodivergent is putting aside that feeling of lifelong difference in the face of understanding with a diagnosis comes the realization that what I thought was uniqueness is in fact a shared experience that many many people have. Labels I understood myself by and was proud of for so long (creative,chronic daydreamer,intelligent,reader,academic) are in fact not quite so unique. And then creative and academic and smart morphed into burnt out and depressed and clinically anxious seemingly out of nowhere in grad school.

What I thought was determination and zeal became despair and exhaustion and indifference. And without deadlines and goals and the intense stress and nonstop overload of school I realized I can’t stay on task and what I thought was procrastination became executive dysfunction. And it’s been such a weird mourning for myself the last two years,of who I thought I was my entire life and what I thought I would do with my life. I’ve had to come to terms that I don’t want to go into academia and get my PhD or do all of things incredible things,that I simply want to be happy and live my life. And that’s been hard when my entire identity was being extremely smart and becoming a professor.

And healing and self realization aren’t linear. I oscillate between relief and despair when I realize that I’m not a piece of shit and lazy,that there a reasons I struggle to function and be productive some days. Sometimes it’s a benediction and act of forgiveness to myself,to realize that I can’t write or create or do the things I love,not because I’m worthless but because I can’t concentrate and stay on task. And some days my anxiety gets the better of me and I hate myself for not being who I thought I was,and it’s easy to be angry or apathetic towards myself for not sticking to a routine I know I need.

But if anyone else has been going through anything similar I just wanted to say you’re not alone. And it’s hard to start learning as an adult,and to shift your entire world view and adapt the way you understand and take care of yourself. And as a writer I do get mad at myself for not being able to create when I want to,and it can be easy to direct negativeness and frustration inward. But be kind to yourselves,and forgive yourself for not being what you think you should be.

I’ve learned so so much the last two years of what actually gives me joy and what I do want in life. I’ve learned that peace and friends and family will always be the priority in my life. I’ve learned I’m aloud to be happy even if I consider myself a failure,that the people I love don’t view me that way. And even when it’s been a hard week and I struggle to create and engage with what makes me happy,I have to forgive myself for that too,and for falling off my routines. All of us deserve and need to take care of ourselves and love ourselves.

#tag times #adhd #neurodivergent #on writing

[gunkreads]

I was thinking on my coffee walk this morning about a post I saw a while ago (possibly by @highladyluck sorry if I’m tagging you for no reason) along the lines of “how do neurotypical people enjoy Wheel of Time and its characters?” That wasn’t the phrasing, but that was kind of the gist. I’m... neurotypical as far as I know. At the time, the answer I gave was basically “I don’t need to see myself in characters or relate directly to enjoy them”, but I’m realizing now there’s something more to it.

I may have said something offensive here without realizing it because I’m really no expert on this topic; sorry if that’s the case and please let me know so I can correct it.

A lot of us agree that Jordan has a lot of social ideas that are sort of ahead of their time, but many have... poor execution. Some are just obfuscated too much. A good example for what I’m talking about is Rand’s toxic masculinity inherited from Lan: it’s explicitly a problem, but is rarely addressed in terms that we’d use in modern times. It’s never called “masculinity”, even--I believe “woolheadedness” is most commonly used.

But to the point: As someone who does not live with a diagnosed mental illness or condition, seeing this vast swathe of characters who have serious internal struggles and also don’t have any diagnosed medical issues is... freeing, in a way. Unquestionably, a psychologist (or just someone versed in the field) could diagnose a hundred likely medicatable problems in the main cast, but they aren’t presented as such; rather, they’re presented as character traits (often exacerbated by circumstance).

This lack of acknowledgment of illness, while quite possibly negative in the eyes of neurodivergent and/or disabled people, is actually very relatable to people like me. It’s a sort of message saying “just because you haven’t been officially recognized as Abnormal doesn’t mean you can’t have crippling internal struggles over simple decisions.” I feel like in a lot of the fiction I read (so... take this with a pile of salt), the struggles the WoT cast go through are usually presented in characters who are markedly different from that world’s “normal”. It may not be intentional, but it creates this idea that internal struggle is a result of some kind of condition inside your brain, not just... your personality reacting to a situation. WoT runs with the latter idea. Sure, we have this running theme of Rand going insane, but alongside that we have Perrin’s self-doubt and anger issues, Mat’s... whatever bullshit, Egwene’s burgeoning arrogance and need for control, Nynaeve’s oscillations between extremes of self-esteem, etc. etc.

All these things can definitely be ascribed to chemical imbalances in the brain, I’d imagine. The important thing to me is that they aren’t. No one ever goes up to Perrin and says “Something is fundamentally wrong with you,” they go up to him and say “Something is wrong with the way you’re acting.” Yeah yeah, diagnosing mental illness doesn’t make sense in this world, but there are ways around that in fantasy. Do all these characters have symptoms? Yes. Would treating the cause of those symptoms shorten the story by about 4000 pages? Yes. What matters here to me is that, in keeping with the story’s theme that human agency is one of the most important things in life, these decisions the characters make are a result of the world they’re in and the person they are. Sometimes the person you are has OCD or PTSD or anger issues or BPD.

Wheel of Time, as a series, doesn’t treat those people differently because of whatever disorder(s) they may have; it treats them based on what they do with their agency.

I’m getting onto shaky ground here as far as proving my point goes, but I hope this makes sense. Basically, the fact that the series never taps on the fourth wall and says “hey, look, here’s what we’d say is wrong with this person today” and instead just carries on like everyone is a neurotypical human with a lot of weight on their shoulders is super eye-opening to someone like me. It leaves room for the idea that everyone can go through these struggles and makes me watch my own actions in a new light. The fact that the characters haven’t been described in a way that limits our modern perception of their agency means I can see what they do and easily say “Yes, there’s a chance that with enough pressure in the right places, I could maybe be driven to do the same thing.” To me, firmly establishing that characters are mentally ill makes that much more difficult and is honestly less thought-provoking from my side of the wall.

I’m hesitant to say this was deliberate on Jordan’s part, but I honestly have no idea either way.

#wheel of time #wot

[sneezemonster15]

There is this common saying among NS fans (Naruto + Sakura) that, Sakura was Kishimoto's favourite. That's why he wrote her to show some feelings towards Naruto in the first half of Part 2 and there are lots of Movies where she was the leading heroine along with Naruto. Since Sakura also told to Sai that 'Naruto considers Sasuke as his brother', NS fans are thinking that Naruto asking Sakura out for dates and Naruto comparing Brotherly bond with Sasuke in VoTE1 as a sign of Naruto loved Sakura and considered Sasuke as his Brother (PUKE!!).

I personally cackle at these claims.

What is your observation on how Kishimoto/Anime team treated Sakura?

Do you think Naruto loved Sakura (in Part 1)?

Hey captn. Thanks for the ask.

I don't know why they think Sakura is his favourite since Kishimoto has almost always described Sakura's character and motivations in less than favorable terms. A 'Hard woman' who is 'addicted' to Sasuke. But to be frank, I don't even have to go there. I can tell how he feels about this character through the original content. You can tell simply because Kishimoto has written Sakura consistently in a negative + passive aggressive manner throughout the entire story.

Almost every other major character has an arc where, through the forces of war, family, bonds, justice, revenge, etc, comes to a certain resolution and grows, evolves. Naruto matures and becomes from the most troublesome kid to a hyper responsible saviour. Sasuke matures and becomes from completely closed off and self destructive to open (even if only to Naruto, its a huge deal for someone like Sasuke) and serving for a cause bigger than him. Shikamaru, from unmotivated to super responsible and driven. Kakashi becomes more accepting of love and companionship. Likewise, Gaara, Konohamaru, Lee, Neji, all of these characters get inspired (mostly due to Naruto) and become better. Their arc sees significant action, where there is a clear difference between how they used to be and how they transformed.

Sakura. Addicted to Sasuke still like the same silly fangirl that we saw right at the start. Where is her arc? Where most other characters always seem to oscillate between the spectrum of two opposing feelings, Sakura seems to remain the same in most ways. Kishi tried to develop Sakura and Naruto I guess as an experiment, but it was half hearted, just never took off. Kishi never gave her a kind treatment. I have written more about it in another post. He humiliates her character, makes her realize her shortcomings, only to smack her down again in the worst ways, like it is stuff of dark humor really. Like Sasuke calmly slams her through her chest and puts her in tsukuyomi, hahah, just because she gets worried about him? That's a little harsh but that's Kishi. Things he did to her character in Gaiden. Tch.

The films where Sakura was written in leading roles have been written by writers (Not Kishi) who liked Sakura and wanted to give her some development. But even then, couldn't do a very good job overall. And it's not relevant even if they did.

As for Sakura's perception of Sasuke and Naruto's dynamic, she definitely thinks its intense and chaotic, but that's all she understands. I don't think one should put too much stock in her ability to judge finer emotions given her treatment of Naruto and Sasuke, both quite bad. Most writers will right at the start show their hands directly or indirectly and indicate at the core of the story right away. It could be foreshadowing or an allegory, metaphor, revealment etc. That for Naruto (the story) was the part Sakura mocks Naruto for being an orphan. It clearly makes us notice the motivation of the central characters and the real equation between them. She thinks of them as brothers because that's the extent of which she is capable to understand. Kishi deliberately didn't make her very perceptive. She is self absorbed and visibly insecure. Kishi's projection? Perhaps, idk. But that's okay, Kishi could never have in actuality revealed the exact nature of their relationship either, so Sakura's or anyone else's perception of their equation is pretty much irrelevant. And well we know for fact that Kishi didn't write Sasuke and Naruto as brotherly. So.

As for if Naruto loved Sakura, he definitely had a crush on her. But it's obviously portrayed as puppy love. The way he openly flirts with her, teases her, she also responds not very seriously, just huffs a lot, banters etc. It is actually a tropy type development. He had always known Sakura loved Sasuke, I think he got over it in Part 1 itself. Eventually with Shippuden, I think Naruto just started to regard her as a close friend and cherished teammate. He certainly cares about her a lot. Although not more than Sasuke.

Hope this answers your question.

#haruno sakura #thanks for the ask! #naruto analysis #sns #naruto uzumaki #sasuke

[kkoumiii]

Hey anon! I'm sorry I accidently posted the start of Wooyoung's reading whereas it wasn't ready yet, so I deleted your ask :( Never mind, here is Wooyoung personality reading!

/!\ Friendly reminder that my readings are not to take at face value, I do not mean any harm to this idol, it’s only for entertainment purpose. /!\

✧ 𝐉𝐮𝐧𝐠 𝐖𝐨𝐨𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐠 ➵ 𝑃𝑒𝑟𝑠𝑜𝑛𝑎𝑙𝑖𝑡𝑦 ೄྀ࿐ ˊˎ-

✾ ᵍᵒᵈ (ˢʰᵃᵈᵒʷ ᵃᵗᵗʳⁱᵇᵘᵗᵉ), ʸᵒᵈ, 8 ᵒᶠ ᵖᵉⁿᵗᵃᶜˡᵉˢ

⇝ Wooyoung was destining for being in the spotlight, even if he wasn’t an idol, he would somehow have been known or have an important role in his job. He has a strong work ethic because his work life impacts strongly his inner strength, his ego and his self-esteem. He needs to produce something and to be recognized for it, he cares deeply about his reputation. He wants to wake up every day with a goal in mind. For this reason, he takes time to build sustainable project but it’s somehow complicated because he tends to think on a grand scale. It’s not necessarily negative but you can’t always achieve your goal if you don’t start step by step. Yet Wooyoung wants to reach the top from the start, and since it’s not that easy, he might easily be frustrated. His ego and his ideas are always in expansion. But he’s definitely hard-working, even more if he has an important project, he will stick to it and do his best to get what he wants at the end. I don’t think he’s the type to plan everything ahead, he’s quite opened to new and unexpected opportunities, the most important is the result to him. He knows from the get-go where he wants to head for and that’s his motivation.

✾ ᵈᵉˢᵗʳᵒʸᵉʳ (ˢʰᵃᵈᵒʷ ᵃᵗᵗʳⁱᵇᵘᵗᵉ), ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ, 5 ᵒᶠ ᵖᵉⁿᵗᵃᶜˡᵉˢ

⇝ He won’t hesitate to use everything he has to hand to achieve his ends. It can be with people sometimes, he won’t openly manipulate and befriend them but he will greatly use his connections, even more so that he has a way with words. However, he can have disillusionments if his projects don’t go as planned. It affects him deeply and he feels like his world is collapsing for a while because he focuses and relies a lot on his work to avoid being overwhelmed by his feelings. Basically, I think he can’t bear being in a long period of inactivity, he will have a hard time being unemployed if he has nothing else to put his attention on. On the flip side, he can feel overwhelmed because he’s overworking himself and doesn’t know how to stop, leading to mental health issues. There’s a certain fear of failure but it doesn’t stop him from setting high standards for himself and giving his all to achieve his goals, he just doesn’t want to confront this feeling. He might oscillate between periods of overworking and periods of resting his mind to set clearly what he wants and focuses on himself. He’s genuinely joyful when he starts something new but he can also become easily morose, he’s moody. He’s kind of lost without his work. In any case, I think during group projects, he’s the type to take the lead and assume everything. Even if he isn’t Ateez leader, he’s one of the backbones of the group (they all are but I hope you get what I mean). But he also needs to know that if everything is collapsing, he won’t be left alone and he will have help and support to start over.

✾ ᵠᵘᵉᵉⁿ (ˡⁱᵍʰᵗ ᵃᵗᵗʳⁱᵇᵘᵗᵉ), ᵘʳᵃⁿᵘˢ, ᵏⁿⁱᵍʰᵗ ᵒᶠ ˢʷᵒʳᵈˢ ʳˣ

⇝ I think he won’t hesitate to get himself heard if he disagrees with a situation, he won’t wait silently till the problem settles, he will proclaim his opinion and help those in need. He wants everyone to feel good as long as the issues don’t hinder his life. In this sense, he won’t hesitate to help other people. However, he can say things a bit abruptly and bluntly because he says everything he thinks, but he originally means well. He might be stubborn when it comes to his objectives but he’s really open-minded with others and understands that nothing is set in stone. He respects everyone’s motivations. His opinions aren’t fixed, they can change while talking with people, he’s opened to new perspectives. He adapts depending on his surroundings. Nevertheless, it can happen that he has fixed opinions on a person if his first impression wasn’t that good. Nothing to do with what I said but I think that he would like to incorporate more “feminine” clothes to his style. He’s opened to trying out unconventional styles and creating new trends. He is comfortable with his feminine side and he may want to put it more in the spotlight from time to time. He wants to live without restrictions and he doesn’t like being commanded, that’s why his ego takes quite some place. Once he has something in mind, he doesn’t like to be told what to do. He does everything by himself and having to follow rules restrains his creativity. He’s the most inspired when he knows he has no limits to his ideas.

What a cute guy! And a big flirt 🙄 But we love him for that hehe 💛

Bye 🌻

- kkօմตííí ❁

#ateez tarot #ateez reading #wooyoung ateez #personality reading #wooyoung tarot #tarot reading #ateez

[castielmoriarty]

Carol and Daryl’s relationship is just so fucking interesting. I have never oscillated so many times between shipping and not shipping two people while still feeling strongly about them as some kind of pair the whole time. I only friendshipped them up until like two seasons before Ezekiel, but at some point I did start to ship them though I don’t recall why. and I was both baffled and disappointed af when Carol ended up with Ezekiel. at first I really didn’t think they fit, at all. but a while after that I stopped shipping Carol and Daryl again because I thought Carol/Ezekiel was endgame and accepted it. I could see her being romantically with someone else while having her incomparable bond with Daryl stay platonic. romantic relationships are often regarded as the “highest tier” ones, but friendships like D and C’s proves that isn’t always the case. however strong her and Ezekiel’s love was, it never stopped seeming like he was second to Daryl, albeit not romantically.

then they broke up and she went awol, and when she came back it seemed like there was something between her and Daryl again. there were a lot of hints in s10 or was it 9? about Daryl maybe having feelings for her and vice versa, but parallel to that Daryl ofc started to have the thing with Connie. but there were those scenes with Carol kind of teasing Daryl about Connie and I got such a strong sense that he had something he wanted to say, that he wanted to admit, and... iirc there’s a scene where Carol asks something about whether he is going to go for Connie and he replies in the negative and she goes “why?” and he just looks at her and. and the sense of things unsaid between them was so fucking strong that whole season. and the thing with Connie is cute but ultimately I can’t imagine them together or see past the fact that I consider Daryl and Carol soulmates. their connection is somehow primal. and now, knowing they’ll go off together, idk. at one point during Carol/Ezekiel I had decided I just wanted her and Daryl to be platonic soulmates because that kind of relationship between a man and a woman on screen is unusual. but I’m also weak and I can’t imagine them ever having an equal bond with anyone else, and the only time they don’t seem lonely is when they are together. and I can’t imagine them ever parting and not eventually reuniting. whenever they’ve been apart it has just felt like a stretch of time leading up to them going back to each other. but either way they are some of my fave characters ever and their dynamic is one of my fave friendships/somethingships/up-to-interpretation-ships. and I have feels every time they’re in a scene together no matter how few words they exchange.

#the walking dead #twd #daryl dixon #carol peletier #text post

[iamanartichoke]

So, Loki trailer question for you (possible negativity, fyi). I just have this general feeling of...*offness* with Loki? Like I saw a post that said it felt less like Loki and more like Tom cosplaying Loki, which makes no sense bc Tom is too good of an actor for that but it does match up with the vibe I get. I can't put my finger on it, there's just this vague sense of it feeling not fully "Loki." I'm still cautiously optimistic overall, but curious if you felt any of the weird vibes I did?

I did (do) feel the weird, not-Loki vibes. I think it’s a combination of two things: 1) the tone of the trailer is impossible to decipher, which leaves the tone of the show rather up in the air, and 2) Loki as a protagonist is a new angle, and that type of coding can affect the vibes.

Re: the trailer’s tone in general: for me, watching the trailer was like - the first time, just !!! bc I wasn’t expecting a trailer to drop and, yknow, Loki; the next couple of times I was like, hmmmmmm, and the several viewings since then have oscillated between hmmm and okay, this has potential, which is more or less where I am in general on the show now. In my opinion, it’s hard to decipher the tone bc it doesn’t seem to really have a tone; it feels somewhat comedic, somewhat bizarre, and somewhat intriguing in a “this storyline is going to be some kind of puzzle we’re all trying to solve” kind of way. Not being able to figure out what kind of show this is going to be - for me, at least - makes it hard, in turn, to put a finger on how Loki is going to be portrayed in it.

That said, Loki’s new role plays a significant part in throwing off those vibes, too; not necessarily in a bad way but definitely in a different way. What I mean is, up until this point, what we’ve seen of Loki has both been a) as an antagonist (or anti-hero, at best), and b) in the context of being a background character to someone else’s (Thor’s) story. We’ve never seen him framed as the protagonist, and now that framing is against the backdrop of a completely new universe, one in which Loki is surrounded by new characters, with a new look (clothing style, etc), in new circumstances. The goalposts have totally moved.

For better or for worse, Loki’s story has often revolved around Thor, in that by being the anti-hero or foil to Thor’s protagonist, much of what Loki says or does is reactionary of what Thor says or does. Furthermore, a lot of Loki’s arc is tangled up in Thor, bc a big part of his identity struggle is a trauma response to how he was treated compared to how Thor was treated their entire lives. Loki has always been a complex character, and there’s so much more to him than Thor, but that context and setting is all we’ve ever gotten, since the first Thor film. Loki’s never been given the narrative room to be anything else and we may not like that, but it’s what we’re used to seeing.

Now it’s different. This is Loki’s story alone and tossing him into such different circumstances is, I think, something that contributes significantly to the “off” vibes about him. The setting feels completely different from the Thor films. Aside from the mention of “brother,” once, Thor may as well not even exist - nor Odin, Frigga, Asgard, or any of the things that have framed Loki’s storylines for so long. We don’t know how Loki is going to respond to these new circumstances; we don’t even know if Loki will remember he is Loki (if the theories about him having amnesia hold any weight). He doesn’t quite hold himself the same way. It does feel like a cosplay, because what we’ve basically gotten is dark-haired Tom not quite cpaturing Loki’s mannerisms and energy, in the middle of a bunch of scenery and characters that have nothing to do with Asgard or Thor.

So, yes; I do get that feeling of off-ness and I sort of agree with the “cosplaying” feel of Tom’s performance. That being said, though, I am reserving judgement on whether or not that bodes ill for the series. When we get more context of what we’ve seen, the puzzle pieces could all come together. I’m cautiously optimistic that they will. Because I also agree with your point that Tom is too good of an actor to not be able to play Loki “correctly” in this series.

What I keep reminding myself is that Tom’s contract was done after IW/EG. He wasn’t obligated to return for this series, and no one would have blamed him if, after that ending, he said no and washed his hands of the MCU completely. But he didn’t. He signed on and seems excited whenever he talks about it. He is very gifted and he knows, understands, and tries to advocate for Loki as much as any of us in the fandom I realize that I’m putting all my eggs in the Tom basket at this point, and perhaps that’s unreasonable and short-sighted, considering the overall “off” vibes of the trailer, but here we are. I do have a couple of eggs in the “I’ve read some speculations and theories that seem pretty interesting and I’m down for that” baskets, too, for what it’s worth.

ANYWAY. I’m not sure if that answered your question or not, so I’m sorry, but tl;dr: yes, I agree that there’s an “off” feeling about Loki’s portrayal in the trailer, and it’s possible it’s a bad sign, but it’s just as possible it’s not. Either way, you’re not alone in your feelings.

#asks #charlotte replies #loki on the small screen #loki pokey artichokey #tom hiddleston is my favorite unicorn #i gotta stop writing novels over here #smfh #scintillatingshortgirl19

[teal-deer]

Abarat -- Absolute Midnight (spoilers)

ok hello fellow uh... 5? fans? of abarat? on tumblr, I got the interlibrary loan of Absolute Midnight WITH ILLUSTRATIONS and I finished it and here’s some thoughts These will sound like whining or like I hated it, but I actually did enjoy it, I just also have Some Problems and I wanna rant.

1) who the fuck is Gazza? Gazz? Whatever his name is? I hate him. What the fuck is the point of this character? He feels randomly shoehorned in just to give Candy ANOTHER goddamn love interest and I’m like MALINGO IS RIGHT THERE? WHY ARE YOU DOING THE YA LOVE TRIANGLE THING? And unlike Malingo (or arguably Letheo who I felt was going that way in book 2, or Chris Carrion or Finnegan Hob who I felt Barker was going with until he remembered that they’re each a minimum of 16 years older than Candy and then went WHOOPS), I literally have NO IDEA what Gazza looks like, I don’t think he gets a single illustration. He comes out of nowhere, he oscillates wildly between “huge asshole” and “infatuated with Candy,” the ONLY thing I can remember about him is that he was  fisherman, I guess. He has no development, and Candy just... instantly falls in love with him despite having one (1) conversation with him which began with him trying to stab her. And I confess -- I’m an asexual grey-romantic 34 year old, so yeah, romance is always confusing to me, but this one realllly strains credibility. And I’m kind of feeling justified because I haven’t seen a single fanart of this guy, ever, and I’ve seen fanart of *all kinds* of minor characters.

And like I’m not normally a shipper. But holy jeez. Malingo: a truly wonderful person who clearly loves candy and is also very attractive, who had instant chemistry with Candy when they met and a very well developed backstory who has been around for 3 books, who smells like pumpkin spice and looks like a friendly joyful jack-o-lantern... and then HELLO SUDDENLY A RANDOM ASSHOLE who we don’t even know what he looks like.

I’m just. I’m upset about this! What the hell, Barker, why did you feel the need to shoehorn in a Typical YA Love Interest? (Possibly, I missed something? Some part where he got character development or a backstory beyond “random fisherman”? Is he secretly the Commexo Kid or something? the small child that gets killed to show how evil Mater Motley is had more character development than this dude). I kept kind of hoping that she’d have her love at first sight crush and he’d then get killed just to prove Carrion’s point about loving and losing because he was *so* annoying but no, he’s just still there at the end, whining about everything, negging Candy, and generally just being arbitrary.

2) As usual for Abarat Barker suffers from Too Much Stuff Happening Gotta Get It All Out ASAP so nobody gets to rest and we just careen as fast as possible from Thing to Thing AAAAAAAAAAAAAAa but that’s okay because it’s mostly pretty cool & interesting

3) Boa Is Evil. I’ve seen some people complain that this wasn’t foreshadowed well and it came out of left field, but... having just re-read the other two... I do think Barker didn’t foreshadow it very well and he could have done a lot more, annnd I think he hadn’t quite started down that line of thinking until Days of Magic: Nights of War, B U T, I will say that there were weird mysteries about Boa we didn’t know of from the first time we learned of her, and I’d always gotten the feeling that a) Christopher wasn’t just a spurned entitled man, that something else was going on there and b) there had to be more to Boa than just Pretty Sparkle Perfectly Good Princess Embodiment of All Goodness (TM). I do think she gets wayyy too far into Cartoonishly Evil though, like, she went from Perfect Princess to Saturday Morning Cartoon Villain, and I can’t tell if this is just Clive kinda writing badly, or if there was a “real” Boa who was somewhere between and that removing her more just removed the “bad” parts and everything else was absorbed into Candy. Or something. You know it’s bad when Mater Motley is the more nuanced villain here... Also, the Fantamoya have some SPLAININ to do as to why they saved this bitch in the first place, with the power they have they HAD to have known she was Like That, but also had to have had some other reason for doing so. I feel like they did more to Candy than just put Boa there...

4) The illustrations in this one are a lot more foreboding and a lot more abstract. And I get it, this is the darkest of the three books, but at the same time it’s at the expense of things like... well, what the hell does Gazza even look like (is that even his name, I can’t remember, I had to return the book to the library). At this point, I wish Clive would do a Dramatis Personae thing, sort of like the Almanac he did in Book 1, because there’s A LOT of characters now and I’m starting to lose track.

5) If you’re gonna give Chris Carrion a redemption arc -- and I am HERE for it -- he’s gotta start doing good acts. Starting with going up against his grandma and against Boa. But I *am* here for the possibility -- I actually thought he was a nuanced character in Book 1 even, and I normally hate dudes who go “she broke up with me so I’m now gonna be eeeevil” but hey! turns out it was way more complicated than that and he was actually justified in trying to assassinate her.

6) Did Letheo die in book 2? I actually can’t remember o_O

7) That’s a HELL of a cliffhanger to end on, wow! I wonder, also, if the Abarat is a kind of inverted torus of a sort, like... a multi-dimensional shape, so at the edges the water still appears to fall down, but there’s really two sides to the “plate” (the other side being wherever Candy, Malingo, and That Guy just ended up), with the Twenty-Fifth being a column in the middle that connects both; possibly where the Izabella “comes back” from falling off the edge.

8) That Glyph at the end was super dope

9) How many world-ending cosmic horror factions can one universe hold anyway!? Jeeeeez

10) I’m really glad I got spoilered for Malingo surviving because I might have just given up there what with What’s His Name coming on the scene and then Malingo apparently getting fridged. Also, his head flapping around is really funny. I wonder how long it’ll take him to grow a new body? Also I am amused by Geshrat giving birth to flappy severed heads, apparently, but also like “that’s probably less trouble than giving birth to a whole baby actually if the head is baby sized”

ok rambling rant over

#Abarat #Abarat spoilers #absolute midnight

[hotgirltarot]

Hey I do understand, and it's completely alright! Can I ask you what message does my future self have for me? HH (pisces sun, Gemini moon) Thankyou ✨❤️

Also, do you have an Instagram or youtube account? I would like to follow. 🤗

Hi love! We don't have Insta or Youtube YET but we do have a twitter! So, we are seeing that you have been going through a tough time lately, almost as if you are on a rollercoaster - lots of ups and downs. Your higher Self wants you to know that you will always oscillate back and forth between doing and being. If you are unhappy with where you are right now, know that all periods of your life have a purpose. Accept your tough experiences without judging them or yourself and you will see how the universe adjusts your life back into balance. For every cause, there is an effect. Do not harp on one feeling or situation for too long, because the quicker you accept it, the quicker it will leave. To bring more happiness in your life, start celebrating the small stuff and making bigger deals out of occasions. If you have put off any spiritual practices you used to do, get back into them again. Get grounded in nature and go on a walk. Create new morning routine that will jumpstart your day on a positive note. Bring back the enthusiasm into your life! Your future self would like you to know that any challenges you have right now will result in victory. Don't try to impress anyone in your life by changing yourself and being a fake version of yourself. People around you should accept yourself for who you really are. You are special and unique work on your self-confidence as it will help you a lot in the future. Release any person who is unkind to you. Trying to make everyone like you will likely inflict unnecessary wounds that will take time to heal. Work on releasing negative emotions and negative thinking. Release any person who is unkind to you. There are a lot of loving and kind people who will be meeting really soon. Hope this helps! Tips are appreciated at $DejaWash19 on Cashapp or Deja-Washington on Venmo. Thank you!

#spirit guides #spirit guide reading #spiritualguidance #free reading #free readings #free tarot readings #free oracle readings #free tarot reading #free tarot #tarot readings #tarot reading

[battle-of-alberta]

OCtober: Cal and Ed

It’s finally over. I’m sorry for the delay but stuff has been Happening. If there’s a tourism site that attracts you more to one city or the other, let me know.

Calgary | Edmonton

Below is some meta stuff about the ‘research’ (if you can even call it   that, it was more of a vibe check) I did for re-doing the profiles. Read  on, if it intrigues you. And I gotta mention there’s a bonus rabbit hole I went down for Calgary’s self-image that is. Well. A Lot.

Major Cities: Calgary and Edmonton

We made it team, the heart of the Battle of Alberta, the major city rivalry that defined generations. Calgary is the largest city in the province and the centre of southern Alberta, a young, fast-paced major city that oscillates wildly between boom and bust and is attracting both attention and employees from the traditional major cities in Canada. Edmonton is the capital of the province and the the most northern major city with a metro population of over one million on the continent, a little older and more blue collar, somewhat more stable economically, and quickly rising to meet the challenges presented by open data and sustainable urban planning. And, as we know, they've been antagonizing each other since the 19th century, but collaborating as well.

Website Round Up Premise

While I was revisiting these character profiles, I took a look at how cities represented themselves on their municipal sites and tourism sites rather than how cities were represented in the news or in stereotypes, as the latter already tend to live in the back of my head. I was interested to see who the target audiences for each city were, what they considered their strengths, and how much effort each city put into putting its own identity on display. I was also interested into what ideas sort of fed into any pre-existing confirmation bias I had about each city's personality as well as interested in what narratives might be used to counteract negative stereotypes.The first thing I tended to notice was the overall information architecture of each city's website. How easy were they to navigate? What kinds of information did they have? How did they organize it? How did they communicate that information?

Out and About

There's a sharp difference between the websites of major cities from other cities. They are very careful to separate the corporation of 'The City of' from the cities we might know, and therefore both websites have a much more business-like tone and more distance from their civic identities. This means no traditional "About" pages as other cities might have.

At the time I'm visiting, Edmonton's page has some ADORABLE art of a nuthatch that's making me very homesick. Calgary has a seasonally appropriate snowy skyline.

Calgary does have an "Our Organization" tab which describes the City as a corporation, and likewise Edmonton has a "City Government" tab that performs a similar function. Edmonton's is in alphabetical order which is only a little annoying and Calgary's reads like a very perfectly chunked business portfolio that doesn't... really say as much as it looks like it does, but it does get bonus points for vision/organization/accessibility.

I have never seen a more concise history of Calgary in my life. It's literally three bullet points and a couple of bracketing sentences, but it does do the job. Calgary is, more or less, what it says it is (although I do take slight issue with its self identification as a trading post - it may have functioned that way but that was not what it was founded for and in fact the trading companies gtfo'd asap in those early days). It goes on to paint a very good sketch of the city in as few lines as possible in the text, and there's a little video at the end that feels like it was voiced over in 1988 even though it's clearly not.

Edmonton's City government page is even vaguer. Let's make a more dynamic and resilient Edmonton shall we, the page suggests. Resilient against What Exactly, I wonder. Winter? The boom-bust? Calgary? who knows. The majority of the sub pages are even more mysterious and essentially paint the picture of a city. It's a normal city. Trust us. We do city things. Here is exactly how government works and how to raise and lower a flag. In Edmonton, which is, in fact, a city.

I'm begging you if you think Calvin is hokey and annoying please read the Our Culture page and see it's EXACTLY how I intended to portray him because it's eXACTLY what it's already like. "The Four C's of Our Culture" give me a break.

Edmonton offers me a picture of the skyline and says "City of Opportunity: City of You". I suppose this is true. I don't know what it means. I fear slightly for its intentions.

I keep seeing "Calgary: A great place to make a living, a great place to make a life" and it's like. Stop! I won't go! You can't make me! (and again the Strong and Resilient Calgary. these kids are always catching colds because they don't eat properly.)

Although Edmonton makes literally zero attempt to define itself (outside perhaps the official symbols page hidden under Facts and Figures), what strikes me is that it is portraying itself as a very future-oriented city, which, when I was growing up we really never were. We were an inward city constantly wishing we were somewhere else which is partially still true, and we were a city with such an intense nostalgia (that unlike Calgary we failed to really capitalize on) that grated roughly against a complete failure to preserve history. It does kind of make me glad that the city is looking towards the future and just like, acknowledging basic realities (like snow) and trying to involve people in urban planning more (and throughout the website the city LOOOOVES to share data which I also called, haha). There's also an adorable animation of the city road map in its strategic planning pages. It's interesting that for a city that leaves itself up to your own interpretation, it does have a LOT of information about itself collected and available.

Tourism

Oddly enough, neither city has substantially changed their tourism homepage to accommodate COVID-related staycation plans, although each does mention that many things may be closed or unavailable as a result of the pandemic.

CaLGARy, Be PaRT of THe EnERGy!!

I like how Edmonton's self-presentation is "original" and "we do things differently". It's like a Keep ___ Weird thing but in an understated self-assured way that makes me laugh a little. Like yeah, I guess we are kind of different, I guess we're just not used to seeing that as a good thing.

In the tourism guides there isn't much to say about Calgary's that isn't just "oh, classic Calgary" but I do think the fact that they have "quick facts" to explain what timezone it's in and what currency they use is adorable to say the least. also the title of the guide is CALGARY (and the canadian rockies) and that sums up Calgary pretty well, which I'll elaborate on more.

I actually can't find Edmonton's guide, if it has one, but that's ok. The website hits all the buttons that I would and I actually use exploreedmonton quite frequently because it has a nicer event calendar than the city website does, which is important in a place nicknamed Festival City. I really appreciate how things are organized by month/season and even down to "what's happening today/tomorrow/this week" because it makes planning trips for my visitors easy, so now you know my secret : ) I wish I could just beam this site directly into people's brains when they mention "oh yeah thats where the mall is" when I say I'm from Edmonton.

Interestingly enough it's Calgary's turn to be vague, which I can only assume is part of its "exactly what it says it is" charm. This desperation to find a shred of self-description outside of things to do and places to stay led me down a rabbit hole I will elaborate on in a moment that truly showed me I Knew Nothing about how deep Calgary's branding goes. Otherwise, the website is very practical and functions more like an answer to questions you had about the what and the how and less so the why.

Also, the "Locals" page on Calgary's site has tips on hosting friends and family from around the province safely during the pandemic which is kind of cute. Edmonton doesn't really have a local page (i guess because if we had a hashtag like #loveyyc we'd ruin it)

Bonus: The Rabbit Hole

I wondered why Calgary's tourism page, which I expected to be the most in your face description of the city possible, fell kind of flat. I learned this seems to be because tourists are not the target audience that Calgary wants to attract. It's companies and corporations, and they get their own page.

Boy oh boy do they get their own page

This led me down this frightening path of getting validation like being repeatedly punched in the face by what On Brand Calgary truly means and I'm frankly quite speechless about it - all I can say is that you need to see it for yourself.

The tourism site gestures to a Billion reasons why you should hold your next meeting in Calgary and here is where the self definition as Big City Energy and Western Hospitality starts kicking the tires and lighting the fires. Likewise with the media-oriented page. Suddenly stuff like the Calgary Bucket List starts popping up and I can't help but go hang on, why not suggest this to tourists?

"It's cowboy spirit, but also refined and cosmopolitan" [sighs into hands]

Suddenly all the "Calgarians love visitors! Calgarians love the outdoors!" stuff is spilling out like water from a dam here. "Where's Calgary?" [Link that reads FIND US].

Like i literally feel like the tourism side on the left is the Kids Menu, it's the corporate stuff on the right that I'm actually finding the type of information I want on. Eventually, I somehow make my way to Calgary's Destination Strategy which is trying to make Calgary a place that... well, people go. Like, internationally. Like the Olympics but MORE of that.

Then I find the Brand Evolution. Then I find Calgary's Economic Development site. The poetry about rocky mountain prairie skies and "where a handshake still means something" starts to reach its peak.

Then back through the tourism site I find the video. And the video makes me shake because it suggests the premise of The Powerpoint.

The Powerpoint. I cannot summarize the powerpoint in any meaningful way or how my emotions were a rollercoaster further and further up and down the longer i scrolled. Everything I know and suggest about Calgary seems to be unequivocally true, including the sense that Calgary as a person is the sort of person who makes powerpoints about his own identity crisis because that's precisely what this is.

And then I get to the part of the powerpoint that suggests I imagine what kind of person the city of Calgary might be (and implied: does that person think about anything other than the mountains???) THEY EVEN DID AN OCEAN PERSONALITY TEST FOR THE CITY I KID YOU NOT

Hi, City of Edmonton, hire me to take an OCEAN test for our fair city. I'm begging you.

#aph oc #hetalia oc #hws oc #projectcanada cities #battle of alberta #aph edmonton #aph calgary #pc: edmonton #pc: calgary #edward murphy #calvin mccall #traditional art #boab meta #OC tober #OC_tober #ink #watercolour #mixed media #hapo art #ITS FINALLY DONE

[desparikon]

MacGyver fanfic misfire #7

Written for @pridewrite2021, pw15 Polyamory & pw alt3 Angst

Of course I had to do something for my absolute favorite MacGyver pairing, Bozer/Murdoc/Mac! I’m just sorry it had to be so heavy.

(Spoilers for 5x05) Mac's grief is breaking him down, and turning him into a different person. He’s an outsider in his own life.

Murdoc was going to die on this job.

Tonight had been too comfortable, too routine. Too quiet. Quiet was a luxury Mac would suffer, his life indebted at a price too expensive to be borne alone.

Yes, Murdoc was going to die on this job, and Mac would regret not spending their last evening together.

Even though Mac would’ve ruined it. That’s what his presence did anymore. Ruin other people’s good time, dampen their good spirits.

They never know what to say. He was unable to move on, broken beyond repair. Everything hurt, and he was exhausted, and life was colorless. It hurt to move, to breathe, to exist. His breaking point inched closer.

He got attached too quickly, gave too much, loved too deep, in a world that endlessly took. His love hadn’t protected Jack. And now he was gone. Forever. All eternity, to time’s end.

It was brutal, and unfair, and irrational.

Death didn’t need to steal when Mac was right! there! He’d gladly offer all of himself! More! Why wasn’t his love valuable enough to pay the debt?

The opportunity would never come again.

The Old Mac was gone. Dead. Like Jack. A part of himself had been ripped out; no going back. He had nothing to offer anymore, no brainpower, no energy, and no reliability, oscillating between distant and clingy, flat and short-tempered, cold and emotional.

The New Mac was ugly.

Manipulative. Volatile. Dangerous.

He didn’t understand why everyone still reached out, or tried to spend time with him. Why Bozer and Murdoc kept him? Their unconventional relationship would benefit, subtracting one. Didn’t they see their lives were better without him?

All his chances to re-earn trust, experience kindness, receive help? Wasted. Used up.

(He always longed for one more chance anyway.)

“Mac, you’ve barely eaten in days. I can make something, or we can order food, or ask Murdoc to pick some up on the way over. Anything. Please.”

“That’s OK, Boz, I’m not hungry. My stomach hurts, so I’m probably just coming down with something.”

His eyelids fluttered shut as Bozer’s fingers gently pushed his bangs to the side so he could feel Mac’s forehead for fever.

“I should really take you somewhere, get you checked out.”

Boz called his bluff.

It hurt to pull away.

“I’ll be fine.”

Why did they try so hard to reach him?

“Angus!”

He nearly cried, hearing Murdoc call his name with such concern, his strong arms catching Mac before he fell to the floor.

“Are you alright?”

Do Not bluff Murdoc.

“I’m just tired.”

Murdoc gently held his chin, slowly rubbing his thumb along Mac’s jaw.

“After all the energy drinks I’ve seen you pound back in the short time I’ve been here?”

He’d be lying if he said he hadn’t redeveloped a slight fear of Murdoc.

Why couldn’t they leave him alone?

“Pretty good for a first attempt.” Murdoc presented his origami shark.

“He’s cute!” Bozer took it, bobbing it, imitating swimming, “I think he’s missing something though.”

Murdoc paused before taking it back, and drawing angry eyebrows on its face. “Much better! Looks just like me!”

“I meant company.” He held up his own creations: a giraffe and a lion. “Look Mac, I made us!”

(Careful, careful! Don’t poison the household mood!)

(Did he smile back?)

Murdoc tapped his shark’s snoot to both figures’, earning cheerful eye rolls from both Cassian and Bozer.

“Big flirt.” Bozer put their figures down, into the growing paper zoo, before scooting closer, and snugging into Murdoc. He closed his eyes and bumped their foreheads together.

The affection between Murdoc and Bozer was one of the only things that still made Mac’s broken brain feel good. It wasn’t immune to their cuteness. Especially not when they did...

Murdoc’s palm found a particularly sensitive spot on Bozer’s chest, causing him to squirm, and press against Murdoc’s hand.

THAT.

Their Thing. Boz loved it. Something about warm, gentle pressure over his heart, and Murdoc being able to feel his heartbeat, and tingling, both relaxing and ticklish.

(Maybe Murdoc could try that on him?)

Selfish, thinking about diverting their attention from each other.

It wouldn’t matter after tonight, when Murdoc died.

Losing another loved one...Mac would simply have to leave.

Bozer would lose both partners in close succession, but he was strong. Stronger than Mac. He’d be fine. He’d still have Cassian, their friends, his family. He’d get the house. Absolute financial security, thanks to Murdoc.

Maybe he’d leave Phoenix to pursue creative endeavors. Or move closer to home, so Cassian could have the same positive influences Mac had been so lucky to have. Maybe--

Bozer’s phone chimed, the alarm resuming time and life’s passing.

“Gotta go catch your flight, huh?”

“’Fraid so.”

Mac escaped into the front hallway. The goodbyes. He hated them. How to explain what Murdoc meant to him, and summarize their entire history and relationship, while simultaneously apologizing and begging him to stay, all in one neat goodbye? Because with Murdoc, it always felt like they were unknowingly parting for the final time.

Working a more stable schedule meant Bozer stayed at Phoenix headquarters. He was safe there, and Mac could visit, on one of his better days. He never knew with Murdoc, and that’d been the point when they’d first gotten together; keep his criminal activities private, give Bozer and Mac a better chance if they were discovered.

No location. No details. Nothing but a faked, vaguely 9-5, job in a broad, monotonous field: stock market, real estate, business. The stability, and increased time with his dad, eased Cassian’s anxiety and separation issues, but the facade made Mac’s worse.

What had Murdoc done on any given day? Had he been careful to remain invisible? Had he taken a smaller, closer job? Had he made plans for a bigger, more dangerous job? Minor cuts and bruises were the only, albeit unreliable, hints.

“Take it easy these next few days, OK?”

Mac jumped, the startle, and careless suggestion, converting his anxieties to anger. Take it easy?! While Murdoc threw his life away, recklessly risking everything for nothing?!

“Mind your own business!” Mac snapped, Murdoc’s surprise pissing him off even more. “What! What’re you staring at?!”

At least arguing with Murdoc might keep him from leaving. Negative attention is still attention.

Murdoc didn’t take the bait. He sighed quietly, and went out, Mac following closely behind. The door clicking shut behind them signaled the monster’s release.

“Why do you keep doing this to us?! You don’t need the money! What is it about torturing people you just can’t give up, huh??” He didn’t give Murdoc a chance to respond. “Grow up, Murdoc! New hobby! You’re not the badass shadowy assassin anymore!”

“I—”

“Or maybe the real reason is because you don’t want to admit you’ve been domesticated. You’re a tamed Murdoc now!”

Mac regretted it before it’d finished leaving his mouth. Murdoc’s wild streak was one of the traits he most admired. Unapologetic, and self-confident, in ways he couldn’t be.

“I’m sorry!” Mac whispered, pulling his arms across himself, “I’m sorry! God, Murdoc, I swear, I didn’t mean it like that.”

He shied away as Murdoc attempted to physically comfort him. This isn’t how you treat loved ones.

He wished Murdoc would just put him down.

“What??”

Shit, had he said that aloud?

“No, no, it’s fine, I was joking!” He carefully avoided looking at Murdoc, not wanting him to see the few stray tears that’d fallen. “I just thought it’d be funny because that’s how we used to be, and you know what? I’m an asshole tonight. I’ll be better when you get back. I’ll make it up to you!”

Mac retreated inside, silently pleading Murdoc not to follow.

Please let Murdoc forget. Please don’t let him text Boz. Please don’t try to corner him in his own house--

”Mac?” Bozer called from the living room.

“Yeah, be there in a minute.” Mac’s shoulders slumped.

Three days to come up with a plan to fix this.

He needed to be alone.

#macgyver #mine

[tinkertayler]

@bluebellwoodsoasis I feel like this a lot too. What helps with me is to focus on the things that I do well. The things that are going well in my life, even if it's something like " I'm grateful that I have my health" or " I'm grateful that I have a job" Please try not to be so hard on yourself. I know that other people saying that isn't helpful because you just can't change your way of thinking in a Split Second. But realize that you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for 💗

Thank you for your kind words, love. I know what you're saying is true, but it’s definitely hard to believe it when I am depressed and/or in a state of panic. In those moments, all my brain is willing to do is focus on the negatives and spiral.

Life has been kicking me while I'm down lately... a lot. I've basically spent the last few months oscillating between "Michael in a grey hoodie lying on the floor and hoping the earth will consume him"

and "Michael in a white suit drinking a martini and repressing his feelings"

Grey Hoodie Michael today, for sure. Martini Michael tomorrow, hopefully. While neither one of those states is ideal... Martini Michael is more productive, and arguably more fun.

#eventually I know I'll get to the other side of the mess I'm currently in #and I will achieve some stability and something remotely resembling happiness #until then... #we march forward and do what we must to cope #personal

[tarotbubbletea]

L.I.S. ♑️ here again 😅. Can I ask about my future life? Like family/career stuff or something? It’s been on my mind for awhile. I’m sorry if it’s not specific enough.

Hi again  L.I.S. ♑️,

I got the following cards for you: 9 of Swords, Strength, 4 of Pentacles, Justice, 3 of Cups (back).

The past few years have not been easy for you. There may be a lot on your mind, and even though logically you know that you’re more than whatever negative has happened is gone now, your body and your mind are still holding on to the negativity, to some extent.

Keep your strength about you. “This too shall pass” keeps ringing for me, and that’s something to recall during both happy and bad moments. Happiness is on the horizon. Overthinking or being overly critical. If there are bad memories playing for you, or any regrets, this is a sign that it’s time to let go. There may be some bad habits you might’ve picked up that need to be curbed before this happiness can come to you. You may also need to work on your relationship with your mother, in order to move forward (not saying it feels like a severely strained relationship, but it’s something worth investing more effort into at this time).

Some other advice coming through is to be stingy your money, and perhaps even your time and energy. You might have perfectionist tendencies, and maybe even oscillate between giving it a 100, or no effort at all. Here’s a reminder to be meticulous with how much energy (in the form of time, effort, money) you want to be spending. This could also be hinting that it’s going to take some time for your career to get where you want it to go, so managing your money is a good idea for the time being.

It feels like you have a lot of ambition, and if you’ve been feeling lately that you haven’t been getting the same kind of energy that you’ve been putting in (both for family and career, but more so career), the tides will eventually turn. The Universe has no agenda except for balance, so if you’ve been feeling down in the dumps lately, trust that you’ll have your fair share of blessings eventually. Don’t be too hard on yourself in the meantime! There’s only so much one person can do.

Your friends seem to be a pivotal force in how your future plays out, so be discerning as to who you allow to influence your decisions. If there’s a good friend you’ve fallen out of touch with, now’s the time to rekindle your friendship.

I also pulled 2 Oracle cards for you: Security and Gateway. Start with expressing gratitude for the things you have, and let the magic unfold. I feel like you’re bound to get to a level of security you desire, but there might be a period of... almost... magical growth you’ll need to undergo. Remember that action creates action, so take it slow and small.

Wish you love, success, and happiness!

#L.I.S. ♑️ #sorry about how ramble-y this was #your question was pretty open so i thought i'd just put it all out there #free tarot reading #free tarot readings