TW: su!cide, death, unreality (again)
I did something very weird.
But I don't feel bad about it. And I don't know if I should.
I could verbalize it. But that would be a bad idea.
I want to say all of it was. But I'm not sure.
If anyone questions it I already have an idea of what to say. But what I can say doesn't make a lot of sense. And it would raise questions.
So I should think of a few other things.
I don't know.
I feel a lot of anxiety still. But I don't feel like I need to do bad things to myself anymore.
So while I definitely diffused the situation, I don't think I did anything productive.
I probably did something that won't work out in the future.
Not that I won't make me feel better. But it won't be sustainable.
I can't just "do this next time!"- because its not. That kind of thing.
I can't just do this at all really. I shouldn't.
I thought I would feel disgusting but I didn't.
All my other normal efforts did not work.
I wish that they did. But they didn't.
I know why.
I don't need coping mechanisms anymore. I've already done that. And failed. I need real people beside me.
I tried to give myself a better childhood. I tried really hard. I tried to enjoy it.
But everytime it blew up in my face.
So I gave up and moved on to imaginary efforts.
That was until they mostly became un-imaginary and started to hurt me mentally.
But before all that, it was fine.
I had no reason to suspect it wasn't. I was re-parenting myself, making new friends, enjoying life, becoming comfortable with myself. Except. None of this was real.
Part of me knew this. That's why none of these things made me guilty in the first place.
That was until I realized what I had made cookie12 spawn from.
Which was my own death.
Which sounds really bad, but it wasn't involved as much. It was just the catalist for any of the experiences to be made.
And they were great experiences. All caused by my decision to let go of things and become my own person. Whether realizing it or not. Though none of this was real in the first place.
Thinking that you already died isn't exactly I great way to live your life. Which is why I quit all cookie 12 daydreaming.
you can do all that without dying. I doesn't have to be this way. I knew that. But it was too scary.
Despite how nice their life was. It wasn't real life. It was all fake. I still accomplished things under daydreaming but. Most things didn't feel good. That was, unless I was daydreaming.
And they guilt i carried didn't help.
But in quitting I was now alone.
I'm still trying to figure how to deal with that.
While I still valued others, it all felt like I was just going through the motions.
Expecting one day they would all leave me and cut me off.
Until eventually I live in this house with terrible conditions and i daydream all day.
But for me this was a fantasy.
I think slightly more of myself now.
Theres no more daydreaming in my future I hope. And I think I want an okay house. And I think maybe I want to make sure I keep more hoarding in check. And I am not like my Aunt.
I sure do love her a lot, but I don't think she deserves to live like that.
And I'm trying really hard to not believe that myself. Though the truth is, I don't believe I'm deserving of anything. And I don't want anything.
My asks are so small.
And they shouldn't be. But I'm too scared to ask for the things I like.
Anyway.
I did something similar to what I did in 7th grade.
I had put the in my backpack. And then
Well I actually don't remember the rest.
Put cran-grape juice on the floor on purpose. Told my dad it was an accident and had him clean it.
Surprisingly the floor is not stained?
I left the In the backpack for weeks. That's disgusting.
I don't blame myself for it or anything. But it is.
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oooooo white people in my replies really saying ‘I can excuse racism but I draw the line at homophobia’
Not surprised since this is the site that only talks about racism and thinks it’s a big deal when they see it demonstrated in the cartoons and comics they like *coughs* dungeonmeshi *coughs* (for example at least. I haven’t seen THIS many white ppl talk as in depth about racism on here as much as these fandom nerds, man. I stg. Like “Ohhhh, so you all DO acknowledge that racism is real? Just not in real life even if you could feel it slapping you in the face at high speed. Gotcha.” It’s crazy.
Tumblr is like, 90% white and is extremely centered around them. That’s why you barely see stuff that’s important to black and brown people ever trending here or being talked about. It has to be something incredibly huge to the point where even white people can’t ignore it like they usually do, to talk about it here.
They only talked about George Floyd here because the topic of his death became world news. Even people in other countries were talking about it. Before him, it was probably Ferguson and Trayvon Martin… most of them are still trying their best to ignore the genocides because it’s a “touchy subject.” What do you expect from white people who live in their own bubbles of comfort and refuse to pop it with a needle??? They find comfort in their privilege and faux ignorance (they love playing stupid to avoid conversations about important things outside of fandoms like, are these mfs born with half a brain dedicated to fandom or what.) That’s literally all these mfs make a big deal out of, especially on this annoying ass platform. The ao3 mfs will go to war for the site that allows racist ff and cp like it’s no big deal. I wonder how many people here even donated to the site while actively scrolling past dono posts from folks who really do need help. They act like they’re doing a civil service by defending this site that makes over the amount of it’s intended dono goal in minutes.
Then you already know as soon as you even bring up racism in the stuff they like, they start ganging up and harassing black bloggers especially, calling them TERFs and the whole nine. Anything to make that person look bad for being concerned about the racism that they have such an intense aversion to. God, it’s absolutely exhausting knowing that these people would have no problem choosing a cartoon character over your entire existence if they COULD. Isn’t that fucking sad, man?
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more valentino PLEASE 🙏
How does the saying go, "i want this man in ways that are concerning to feminism"?
I was thinking of how Angel used to live in V Tower and, how fucked up would it be for him to receive a good morning text from Val to head up to his room, and AD is thinking it's a booty call, but it's ACTUALLY Valentino being a manipulative piece of shit
Angel comes into the room and Valentino is already half or fully naked but like, he's not hard or anything and Angel is confused? The moth is just, chilling naked smoking with this satisfied look on his face? And Valentino just, gives him some menial command to run him a favor, and he pauses mid-sentence to turn and call out YOUR name before regarding his Fizz Bot, "Kitty, why don't you make my baby a drink?" and you're just like, slinking out from under the covers, ashamed that Angel now knows you slept with the Overlord, let alone someone you know uh, treats him pretty fucking poorly (although I imagine not like, the entire entire brutal extent of it, also, Angel Dust using Reader as a shield against Val because they're both calmer when you're around)
Could you imagine some scenario, platonic romantic it doesn't matter, where like. Angel is talking to Valentino and he sees you in the corner of his eye and he just stops mid sentence, does a double take, looks at you half naked in his boss' bed, and Val forces him to focus and carry on the conversation while he's crying. Angel is just all but sprinting out of the room by the time he's dismissed and Valentino may even play fucking mind games to make him like, MARINATE in how horrible this makes him feel. Valentino is dragging out the conversation and putting on his nail caps or doing his skincare routine at his vanity and making Angel sit there and wait as he's deliberate dragging on his sentences and constantly pausing but if Angel moves to leave Val snaps IMMEDIATELY. So Angel is just. Forced to stand there.
VALENTINO TALKING TO Y O U, MAKING YOU ACKNOWLEDGE ANGEL AND THE REVERSE. Valentino being manipulative and awful and shitty and doing shit like "so Angel baby, I was gonna take a trip to the spa tomorrow, mhm, and also hey you're coming too *looks at you* so Angel what do you think we should get my other amorcito over here done?" the evil bastard is making you two talk to each other, about each other, when you're both like, IN TEARS
Angel, trying to hold on to the last shreds of his sanity: s so... h have you... ever had a facial before
Valentino pausing from doing his mascara with the biggest shit eating grin on his face: oh yeah, someone just had a really, really BIG one
Reader, happily getting drunk off the drink Kitty brought you because it helps take away the pain of this entire interaction: a. .. a massage or something might be nice
Valentino, doing his contour: but baaaabe, I thought you told me you were shy about who puts their hands on your body. Are you trying to make me jealous?
Angel, desperately trying to ignore Val blowing you a kiss and you clearly having bites and hickies alllllllll over you like there wasn't a single inch of you the moth didn't put his hands mouth or otherwise on: uh huh! Cool! So! Guess we can! Decide later right! :)
Valentino, doing his nails: wrong 💅 I also need you to
And the mf is just doing that shit for like 20 minutes straight which doesn't SOUND like a lot but when you're standing there just talking and waiting and, especially having a moment like THIS, it's just DRAGGING ON, and when Angel finally leaves, you're crying, and here's Valentino, "awwww, pobrecita, come here, what's wrong?" and hugging you and you need the comfort and you're drunk and, now maybe you're just a little scared he's the only person you have left....
Also. Bonus round for the angst. Can you imagine. Angel runs off and it's you sleeping with Valentino that finally hurts him so much he's finally RUNNING running away, meeting Charlie, having another place to live. He's still working under contract but the second his shift ends he's out of the studio without another word because... he can't protect you anymore. He feels like this is his fault. He failed Molly and now he failed you and he's worthless and trash and an addict loser-- meanwhile you're beating yourself up because you've lost your only friend down here and also your biggest supporter and Valentino all but lovebombs you (and the worst part is, it's genuine and if you reject ANYTHING, he's getting Offended Bigly)
Ugh. Ok. I'm sorry. Finally finishing the post with one more thing. Valentino is definitely the type to give you expensive gifts and he doesn't actually care about the amount of money he spends on you BUT, will use the fact he's spent so much money on you to manipulate you IN A HEARTBEAT
And also. You're not allowed to reject gifts because it sets him off in like 5 different ways. "Oh so my gifts aren't good enough for you?" "Do you have any idea how much I spent on this?" "I TOOK THE TIME to get this for YOU" God forbid if it's something custom. Could you imagine he offers you something and he doesn't immediately tell you it's custom, like he's got sketches in a notebook somewhere, this is MADE WITH LOVE ableit his creepy obsessive love, and you could literally have a very polite "oh my gosh I couldn't that's so expensive I, I don't deserve it, wow" where you're obviously very happy but just shocked and feeling guilty, like a FLATTERING rejection that is obviously an insult to YOU, NOT him, and he's just. The switch fucking flips. His head tilts. He lets out a hum as his smile pulls way too tight. Lashes out within seconds. Grabs you. takes that jewelry or watch or expensive thing he bought you and literally forces it onto your body, and he's not screaming or raising his voice, he's getting right up in your face and growling out the deeeeeetails of how he got this for you until you're crying and apologizing for your ingratitude
Ugh he's so cunty and mean and awful UGH WHY WOULD I LET HIM HIT, he would use that heart shaped belt he has to put heart shaped welts on your ass and then set your cute bruised heart covered butt as his phone wallpaper and your icon in his contacts and save your name as Ropebunny or something rhfkcsbfkhdxkfh
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"so be sure to forgive him ASAP." (Killer accidentally hurting his SO)
What if you don't forgive him? What if he reaches for you dramatically while pretending to grovel and you flinch? If he notices you're tense and silent, not taking your eyes off him- normally he'd love that, but you aren't looking at him lovingly, or even with fond annoyance.
You're afraid, and it's directed at him.
Killer has an alarmingly one-track mind, when it comes to you. He will continue to pester you, every single spare moment he has, with the same big smile and silly energy and loving aura, as if nothing was wrong. It doesn't matter if you're laughing at his jokes or visibly pulling away from him in terror. He keeps going.
You're still scared? More stupid jokes. More apologies. More gifts. More nudging you with his elbow and saying "hey, watch this," before he does something that makes Dust or Horror regret waking up that morning. More smiling. More casually putting his elbow on your shoulder while he's talking to someone else. He will gnaw away at your fear response to him, piece by piece, until you're desensitised and you can start to love him again.
He's a deranged little persistence hunter, addicted to the way your smile fills the huge hole he carved out of himself. He will never let you go.
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Prompt 36
We’ve gotten a lot of Danny as Talia’s son prompts and AUs, but hear me out: Danny as Dusan’s son.
For those who don’t know, Dusan is Ras al Ghul’s son, practically his second in command, who would have been his heir if not for being albino, which caused Ras to consistently reject him. So how is he his second in command?
Well after giving up on getting his father’s respect, he left and secretly returned as the White Ghost, working his way up the ranks.
Now I don’t know about you, but that gives a lot of opportunities for how Danny could be his. Maybe he met Maddie during his travels and got curious about other fighting styles, maybe it was a one night stand while Maddie and Jack were taking a break, maybe they had an open relationship.
Heck, maybe he’s not even biologically Dusan’s but got adopted after he saw (to him at least) a child getting repeatedly shot at and rejected by his parents for being born the way he was, at least from what he observes.
Maybe he just trains this white-haired death-touched child and later encounters each other again after a reveal gone wrong. Honestly there’s so many options.
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