#monday was really bad.

[squirmydonnie]

TW: su!cide, death, unreality (again)

I did something very weird.

But I don't feel bad about it. And I don't know if I should.

I could verbalize it. But that would be a bad idea.

I want to say all of it was. But I'm not sure.

If anyone questions it I already have an idea of what to say. But what I can say doesn't make a lot of sense. And it would raise questions.

So I should think of a few other things.

I don't know.

I feel a lot of anxiety still. But I don't feel like I need to do bad things to myself anymore.

So while I definitely diffused the situation, I don't think I did anything productive.

I probably did something that won't work out in the future.

Not that I won't make me feel better. But it won't be sustainable.

I can't just "do this next time!"- because its not. That kind of thing.

I can't just do this at all really. I shouldn't.

I thought I would feel disgusting but I didn't.

All my other normal efforts did not work.

I wish that they did. But they didn't.

I know why.

I don't need coping mechanisms anymore. I've already done that. And failed. I need real people beside me.

I tried to give myself a better childhood. I tried really hard. I tried to enjoy it.

But everytime it blew up in my face.

So I gave up and moved on to imaginary efforts.

That was until they mostly became un-imaginary and started to hurt me mentally.

But before all that, it was fine.

I had no reason to suspect it wasn't. I was re-parenting myself, making new friends, enjoying life, becoming comfortable with myself. Except. None of this was real.

Part of me knew this. That's why none of these things made me guilty in the first place.

That was until I realized what I had made cookie12 spawn from.

Which was my own death.

Which sounds really bad, but it wasn't involved as much. It was just the catalist for any of the experiences to be made.

And they were great experiences. All caused by my decision to let go of things and become my own person. Whether realizing it or not. Though none of this was real in the first place.

Thinking that you already died isn't exactly I great way to live your life. Which is why I quit all cookie 12 daydreaming.

you can do all that without dying. I doesn't have to be this way. I knew that. But it was too scary.

Despite how nice their life was. It wasn't real life. It was all fake. I still accomplished things under daydreaming but. Most things didn't feel good. That was, unless I was daydreaming.

And they guilt i carried didn't help.

But in quitting I was now alone.

I'm still trying to figure how to deal with that.

While I still valued others, it all felt like I was just going through the motions.

Expecting one day they would all leave me and cut me off.

Until eventually I live in this house with terrible conditions and i daydream all day.

But for me this was a fantasy.

I think slightly more of myself now.

Theres no more daydreaming in my future I hope. And I think I want an okay house. And I think maybe I want to make sure I keep more hoarding in check. And I am not like my Aunt.

I sure do love her a lot, but I don't think she deserves to live like that.

And I'm trying really hard to not believe that myself. Though the truth is, I don't believe I'm deserving of anything. And I don't want anything.

My asks are so small.

And they shouldn't be. But I'm too scared to ask for the things I like.

Anyway.

I did something similar to what I did in 7th grade.

I had put the in my backpack. And then

Well I actually don't remember the rest.

Put cran-grape juice on the floor on purpose. Told my dad it was an accident and had him clean it.

Surprisingly the floor is not stained?

I left the In the backpack for weeks. That's disgusting.

I don't blame myself for it or anything. But it is.

#cheeseburgerboy #i don't like that ive gotten okay at lying. it really upsets me a lot because i actually hate it #i don't like doing that #cookie12 #monday was really bad. #it was just like when i begged for mama. except i didn't. i just forced myself to cry in my room. in the dark #because?? #i should be in the dark when im sad??? #i don't fully understand why i do that. #but im still looking for answers. #its kind of my thing #if i ever get to laughing like this again. throw me away #laughing isn't bad though. my brain is trying really hard to make me happy. but it always does it in a weird way. #ive noticed that. and i think its a little funny #even though it sucks. its like #stupid. ridiculous #how would thinking i died help me. silly #silly me! #anytime its just me by myself it gets weird. like if im helping myself i always do it wrong. #i gets funny after a while. #not very funny. just funny.

[chitinleg]

got him off-balance!

#my art #ds9 #star trek deep space nine #julian bashir #elim garak #garashir #watercolor #image desc in alt text #i normally post on mondays but. today im breaking my pattern! getting a little silly. getting a little wild. garashir jumpscare #“tumblr user chitinleg garak would neot easily let himself be swooped off his feet into a hug like that” yes i know BUT! #look at his expression. look at how his arms r pinned. he didnt let this happen LMAO julian just surprised him. grabby huggy human behavior #if you look really closely you can see the tiniest frown in the world on Garak's face. because he's like “EEP !” #cant see bashirs face at all in this only his body but i think we can all imagine that whatevers going thru his head. he needs this hug bad #ALSO. for anyone wondering what the fucked up shadow is that starts at the juncture of the teal sleeve-cap where its set into the armhole #the jumpsuits have a bit of a fold of extra fabric (called an Action Pleat) there which allows for a little more maneuverability of the bod #AND creates a really sleek and flat back panel #because you can see the fabric twists along the side arent grabbing the flat back fabric theyre grabbing the fabric folded beneath it #often times i think about drawing out a dissection of kiras first uniform and this voy era one for other artists to use. bc god knows #i struggled at first to find full body references #they like to shoot ds9 very close to peoples heads. and the camera is so blurry. they smeared butter on that thing. god bless

[anna-scribbles]

“He was— He was my ‘buttercup’,” she sobbed out, and his hand gripped her far shoulder, “And I— I never even— I never got to tell him how much he m-meant to me— not even th-the stupid sun thing—”

“Oh… Marinette…” he whispered, his nose brushing against her hair, “The sun thing wasn’t stupid.”

this scene from chapter 6 of drowning (in plain sight) by @buggachat has PLAGUED me since i read it i am deeply unwell

#my art #ml #ml fic rec #miraculous ladybug #ladynoir #ladybug #chat noir #is it monday yet. is it monday yet. #ugh this fic makes me SICK #it hurts so much i’m sooo unwell #buggachat just. creates scenarios which wrench all my guts in such a specific way #thank you for your service queen. i’m doing so bad #would really really really like for things to get better soon #or keep making them suffer. i will absolutely be reading either way #also i colored this in sort of a different way than usual and it was fun #okay goodnight.

[bexsbelts]

RHEA RIPLEY and DOMINIK MYSTERIO monday night raw. nov 20, 2023

#wwe #rhea ripley #dominik mysterio #wwe raw #monday night raw #tag: mine #tag: rhea r #tag: dom m #tag: r+d #tag: tv #tag: raw #how to become dominik #if she looked at me like in that first gift i would fall to my knees #the quality of these is really bad but this moment was so cute i couldn't not gif it

[opens-up-4-nobody]

Shout out to waking up at 6am and giving yourself an absolutely jacked haircut lol

#im considering getting professional help to fix it #it doesnt look that bad when i pull it back in a half ponytail #but its like half an inch shorter than intended and 2 inches shorter than expected bc i didnt intend to cut it at all lol #eh fuck it. ill see if they have appointments today or Monday #ill make them give me proper bangs #bc fuck it. im not really that upset any my hair being jacked. its short enough that itll grow out to a nice length quickly #unrelated

[8bit-mau5]

Hey everyone! I have exactly ONE WEEK to make the last 160$ to reach my goal and would like to remind everyone I still got 2 open slots for monochrome busts! They have an ETA of 1 - 2 weeks at most once paid, but are usually done within the week since these are pretty fun to work on ^^ 

However, if you’re interested in any of my other options you can take a look [HERE] or tip me/donate [HERE]! As per usual, DM me if interested!

#commission info #BOOST #i have a really bad migraine today but im gonna try to get some sketching done today.. #im working on other bust-related comms between these so thats why the ETA is like That #but OVERAL these are much speedier for me to workon now that i know how i wanna go about the artistic process. cos i was very indecisive #for my first few (blue) #the purple ones are most updated examples #sometimes it takes a few more days depending on the day these are ordered. cos i dont work on weekends or mondays #those days are generally too busy for me to sit down and draw for long

[comradeboyhalo]

i feel like i could write an analysis on badboyhalo pvp skills. bc hes simultaneously better than people think and worse than people think. in a group of good pvpers, they all make fun of his skill bc hes below them. but in a place like the qsmp, with a lot of builders/non pvpers, he's one of the best. idk part of his skill comes from strategy, which is also shown really well on qsmp

#taps sign WATCH MINECRAFT MONDAY ITS SCUFFED BUT ALSO ITS REALLY FUN TO WATCH BAD IN COMPETITION #unlike mcc its teams of 2 which makes him have to carry half the team instead of 1/4

[somethingsomethingcomic]

guess what I've been fixating on

#animal crossing #animal crossing new horizons #acnh #tom nook #smth smth #yeah ive just been playing acnh again. sorry #i just unlocked terraforming this morning (as of when im creating the post on monday not when its posted on thursday) #so hopefully by the time this is posted ill have gotten some rly nice street patterns made up #i found some pretty good ones but the way they were set up was like. not exactly what i need? so im trying to like #rip them off ig??? is that bad? idk. im gonna put my own spin on em ig #im just not super good at making convincing like...sidewalks w depth to them and such #anyway hopefully this time around i can really get my island looking as baller as i want #the reason i restarted was bc id fucked my island up so thoroughly that i wasnt even sure what to do w it anymore #or where to start w it #also my plaza was SUPER close to the airport. #so i chose a different layout this time where the plaza is like in the middle right area of it #more room for an entrance and such #i even have made up a Future Map including new landscaping and zones #so ill get to that over the next few days since i have time off work #also! this is the first entry ive made using my new smth smth tools #namely the automatic halftone-ify-er and a custom hand-drawn font #it took a bit less time to make this one since i didnt have to 1. hand write the dialogue and 2. think about the specific halftone colors #im still sticking to a limited palette (specifically 256 web safe colors) just cuz #but yeah. if you have actually read all of this and you have thoughts on the look of this one vs the previous ones lmk 🩵 thanks #also have a good day and drink some water :)

[da-proti-toku-grem]

venting in the tags again bc i'm literally shaking right now wtf

#god i hate it so much #my exams start on monday and i'm not even halfway through everything i need to know for my first exam #i've had all the holidays to study but i just can't concentrate on anything #i've been in my room all day every day (except the days i spent w family like christmas and new year ofc) #and seemingly i'm studying all day #my family thinks i spend all day studying #but the only thing i'm capable of doing most of the time is stare at the things i have to do w/o having any idea of wtf i'm doing #my brain won't shut tf up and telling me stuff that i know are not true #but i just can't #i feel like i've been having an anxiety attack non stop since this monday #not very bad most of the time but it doesn't really stop yk? #and i feel like i have a weight on my chest that i can't really take off #i've been going to therapy and we've come to the conclusion that the cause of my anxiety overall are my studies #(not counting my social anxiety that's been getting worse every day to the point that i don't even want to go out with my best friends) #which doesn't really surprise me but it's just Too Much #i just want to drop everything but since idk what i'd do if i quit this career i chose to do my exams #bc maybe they are useful if i do change my path #but i just can't find it in me to focus and study because my mind is racing all the time #i just want to lie down and cry but i don't even have the strength to do that #i just feel so weak and miserable ever since i started uni and every day it gets worse and worse #my mind just screams at me saying #'stop complaining all the time. no one cares. everyone goes through stuff like that. you're no different. stfu and study like everyone does' #and i know i could do it if i tried but i just can't #why tf is it so difficult to be normal and do what i'm supposed to do for once ffs.... #venting #maca speaks

[theloveinc]

Was thinking about it a bit more and I realized… if it were to happen, I don’t think you and Kirishima actually get divorced, I think you’d just… “separate” for a while.

Probably at his insistence, too. Not that anything is wrong, really… but having a kid as a hero is super difficult, and I think Kiri probably gets caught up in the loop of not feeling like you guys are lovers anymore, just parents, and every other hero without a partner is doing so much better than him. On the charts, emotionally, etc... so he suggests taking a break in thinking that not being worried about you would make it easier to prioritize what he really thinks matters (your son and his career)…

Not realizing that things’ll go even more to shit after he sees you without your ring on when you drop off son for his first-ever custody weekend.

#kirishima #he’s like ‘let’s just take a break and see if we’re better off’ #and then the first night alone at his dumb*ss bachelor pad he’s crying all night #and when son gets dropped off and acts out the whole weekend and is so mad at kiri #kiri can barely wave goodbye to you from the balcony and #literally bakugo has to peel him off the floor that Monday #after #lmaoooooo and then kiri instantly realizes he made up all his problems in his mind #he’s the most miserable he’s ever been EVER and actually feeling like parents and not lovers was a problem HE caused #and isn’t even bad it’s just something that ppl w kids go thru sometimes #but there u are. living apart because he wanted to be an *ss #and he had to spend the next year trying to win u back #but it works lmaooo #and your son never really forgives him but it’s cool it just makes him super funny #and bakugo is mad too actually LOL like 🤦🏼‍♂️the entire time #anyway bye #I’m watching mha season 5 and it’s good!!! I forgot it was good!!! #gen #kids tw #caitie post #divorced kiri

[direwombat]

a new year a new wip music monday

tagged by @inafieldofdaisies and @simplegenius042 for some music inspiring my wips!

been elbow deep in katc's guts and have been outlining things post Syb's Bad Day™️ but pre her joining the cult, so here's a song that's uh. fitting for her declining mental status at that point

tracks and lyrics under the cut

I wake up every morning with my head up in a daze I'm not sure if I should say this, fuck, I'll say it anyway Everybody tries to tell me that I'm going through a phase I don't know if it's a phase, I just wanna feel okay, yeah I battle with depression, but the question still remains Is this post-traumatic stressing or am I suppressing rage? And my doctor tries to tell me that I'm going through a phase Yeah, it's not a fucking phase, I just wanna feel okay, okay? Yeah, I struggle with this bullshit every day And it's probably 'cause my demons simultaneously rage It obliterates me, disintegrates me, annihilates me 'Cause I'm about to break down, I'm searching for a way out I'm a liar, I'm a cheater, I'm a non-believer I'm a popular, popular monster I break down, falling into love now with falling apart I'm a popular, popular monster

and a jakesyb song that's pretty fitting for this point in time as well

We were tangled up like branches in a flood I come as a blade A sacred guardian So you keep me sharp and test my worth in blood ... So show me that which I cannot see Even if it hurts me Even if I can't sleep Oh, and though we act out of our holy duty to be constantly awake You've got me in a chokehold You've got me in a chokehold You've got me in a chokehold You've got me in a chokehold Even if it hurts me Even if I can't sleep Show me the way

tagging: @marivenah, @statichvm, @cassietrn, @trench-rot, @harmonyowl, @fourlittleseedlings, @carlosoliveiraa, @purplehairsecretlair, @aceghosts, @adelaidedrubman, @madparadoxum, @socially-awkward-skeleton, @voidika, @locustandwildhoney, @testyfestyenthusiast, @strangefable, @alexxmason, @deputyash, @josephslittledeputy, and anyone else wanting to share music inspiring them!

#wip: kneeling at the crossroads #wip music monday #everything post her bad day really is just her being at the absolute LOWEST point in her life #rip to jerome tbh he's trying SO HARD to help her out but she just keeps gritting out 'i'm fine' through clenched teeth

[desultory-novice]

“Everyone’s drawing Marxolor! I should draw something too!” :Dess starts to draw: ANGSTY THINGS HAPPENS

...In the novels, Morpho Knight is heavily linked with the screams of those about to die. I figure since Magolor has already died once, Morpho just needs one little scream before he can finish the job...

There was going to be more to this, but this was as far as I got before I became exhausted. At least I got to draw Marx being cool for once. Here’s the script for the unfinished part...

.

Magolor: "...M-Marx...?"

Marx: "It's okay Mags. It’s okay. It’s gone.”

Magolor: "...I-I’m not…I’m not supposed to be here...!"

 Marx: "Don't you listen to that thing! If someone like ME is still around…you better believe you deserve to be here..."

.

:Later, Morpho complaining to Papi and others:

Morpho: “...Did I come on too strong, you think?”

#Kirby #Magolor #Marx Kirby #Morpho Knight #Marxolor #Marxolor Monday #(They can also be close friends if you prefer!) #(Friends protect friends from soul-sucking butterflies) #(I really just like seeing them together) #(Having fun or being supportive) #(...or trolling each other) #(Ex-bad guys being good for each other... :sob:) #(Help it's late and I'm emotional about Marxolor) #(Also I drew Marx's wings for once!) #(And they turned out okay!) #(But I dropped them because they ruined the composition!) #(Also after speculating Magolor as half-spider yesterday...) #(...I can't stop thinking 'Now the butterfly hunts the spider!') #Dess Art Post #Dess Comic Post

[heavnofhell]

Mark Pellegrino Appreciation V.XV.MMXXIII

#Mark Pellegrino #Mark Monday #Lucifer #spn Lucifer #queue got me all wrong kiddo #spnedit #{{ hate what they did to him but forever love who he really was }} #{{ tragically bad writing }}

[macabrecabra]

Some for fun sketch art. Trying to get back at doing quick but clean sketches.... only think I got one to look right but going to go back and clean all of em up more as want to finish them for a neat color study!

Bringing back old OCs from a horrible other place into my own worldsetting at last, giving them the chance to thrive and grow properly c: The first one at the top though is just an ANCIENT OC coming back after gathering dust for a new shiny place. They are all from a different species of season-based people, so going to use the seasons to form a color study for each for fun c:

Just some art to try and destress from feeling really overwhelmed.

#Sketches #WIPs #I am trying to get better at sketching ; w ; #I'm really bad at doing “Clean” sketching #Real life came in this monday and beat me down harshly 83

[chilapis]

Just came back from the exam, I hope everyone is doing well.

#the exam itself was fine; I finished well in time and the questions were definitely easier than what i was expecting. #i ended up having an argument as soon as i got back to the car though so uh? I don’t know. i’m not really as excited as i was last time. #this did remind me why i wanted to get a scholarship so bad though. cannot wait to get the hell out of here. #i haven’t felt safe in this house for a single second of my life i am. i don’t even know. #i’m so cold. i’m so thirsty. i’m hungry. I’m so tired and so overwhelmed and i . do not know #wow i really wish this family actually felt like family and didn’t make me feel like i was going to get hurt at literally every given moment #two more years and i’ll be out. thank fuck. i hate this hostility. i hate the expressions and the yelling and the violence and i want out #sorry for being such a downer on this lovely monday uh. yeah. #🥀 #vent #<- in case anyone doesn’t want to see whatever the hell this is.

[savageday6]

wonpil is the most tender, warm-hearted, and loving man i've ever seen. listening to him play the piano just brought tears to my eyes. he suits the piano so much like i can't even put it into words... like piano chords are almost like warm hugs to me!! the kind of music that you could go home to after a long day and just cry in its embrace. i'd love to listen to him play the piano for as long as i can. and i hope he'll always find joy in making music and giving love.

#he was raised with so much love and care like you can just see it in the way he carries himself and treats his loved ones #n it's amazing that through all my heartbreaks n struggles he/day6 has always been there keeping me company through music n content n words #and everytime i feel like i need a stern reminder to myself to keep living for myself and not wallow in loneliness or yearning. they appear #2021 was a bad year for me but in the midst of it i stumbled across wonpil's healing radio n it had helped me so so so much #and i think thats the power of being in a lovely fandom of a talented and loving band. they give me so much comfort #wonpil on bbl: you must've had a long day today. and it must've been even tougher for you since it's a monday #me: CRYING MY EYES OUT............. #i really needed words of affirmation today lmao it has been such a shit day #anyway. wonpil is so great im just saying #<3