#anytime its just me by myself it gets weird. like if im helping myself i always do it wrong.

[luck-of-the-drawings]

when i was in highschool one o my biggest coping mechanisms was drawing all the kids i hated getting killed and eaten and killed. and well. time is a slowly ascending spiral. you will find patterns.(i work as a blackjack dealer. gamblers are FASCINATING

#cw blood #luckys original content #ITS SMALL BUT ITS ART SO IT GOES ON THE ART BLOG #also wwaooooww its meee its my lil persona!!! i dont draw myself enough.... #anyway i have bigger things in the works. im slowly but surely chipping away at a pd thumbnail for that pd thumbnail project #FINALLY COLORING. BUT COLORING IS SO HARD AND I HAVNT BEEN IN THE COLORING MOOD #SO IVE JUST BEEN MAKING RLY DUMB COMICS INSTEAD... OOPS.. #idk if anything finished n polished will be posted here anytime soon. BUT i post wips of everything on my twitter #and i post jrwi exclusive wips on my slucky blog. you may look at those if u have Truck Art Wishdrawls. as many do. as many do #THIS BLACKJACK JOB IS RLY AWESOME BTW DONT GET ME WRONG #i work three 12-hour days ina row. i gotta take an hourlong bus up to the depths o the mountains and then #i get to stay in this delightful lil hotel that was built in an ooold hospital. its a whole casino town. and an OLD one at that #ITS GORGEOUS HERE. last week my bus home was delayed for 2 hours #so i finally got the chance to head to other casinos and try drinkin n gambling. lost ten bucks to a pretty girl. NOT the first time #i rlly wanna try it again!!! i love interracting w ppl and i love being inebriated in public bc im just so sweet and pleasant and friendly #and pretty girls LLOOOOVEE MEEEEE i think i just need to go to gay bars more #but theres fucking NONE HERE. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im collectin comrade queers up here tho #we wanna make a Group but we just gotta come up witha name first. i need something weird and strange #yknow i remember being in highschool. and being miserable n unmedicated. my mommas ultimatum was that; #if i dont drop out of highschool; i dont need to move out. she probably wouldntve kicked me out anyway bc my mommas sweet like that but #she REALLY wanted me to graduate. and i remember dreading that i might never do that #i remember feeling like the Resident Idiot. sweet but so so fucking dumb. it took me 7 years of strife n stress before i finally graduated #i remember worrying back then that i might not ever be able to handle myself out there. that i'd be too dependant on others #AND HERE I AM. DID U KNOW I WAS LOOKIN AT HOUSES A WHILE AGO? IM AN ADULT AND IM WWINNINNNGGGGGGG #IM RUNNING OUTA ROOM BUT HERES MY ADVICE TO YOU. BC I KNOW UR FUCKING SCARED TOO. THE ONE THING THAT SAVED ME. #THAT KEPT ME FROM SINKING INTO DESPAIR IS REMEMBERING ONE THING: ITS LITERALLY JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES #MOST PPL YOU CAN JUST WALK UP TO N ASK A QUESTION N THEYLL ANSWER. THEYRE ALL NPCS THEYRE NOT REAL #LIKE IF U WALK INTO A BANK AND ASK HOW A DEBIT CARD WORKS THEY WILL HELP YOU #AND IF YOU THINK THEY HAVE ULTERIOR MOTIVES RELATING TO MONEY. YOU CAN ASK THE CUSTOMERS TOO. ITS JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES #ANYWAY STAY SAFE KIDS HAVE FUNNNNN. IM GOING TO GO DO DRUGS NOW. HOPE U CAN DO DRUGS SOON TOO. I LOVE YOU

[squirmydonnie]

TW: su!cide, death, unreality (again)

I did something very weird.

But I don't feel bad about it. And I don't know if I should.

I could verbalize it. But that would be a bad idea.

I want to say all of it was. But I'm not sure.

If anyone questions it I already have an idea of what to say. But what I can say doesn't make a lot of sense. And it would raise questions.

So I should think of a few other things.

I don't know.

I feel a lot of anxiety still. But I don't feel like I need to do bad things to myself anymore.

So while I definitely diffused the situation, I don't think I did anything productive.

I probably did something that won't work out in the future.

Not that I won't make me feel better. But it won't be sustainable.

I can't just "do this next time!"- because its not. That kind of thing.

I can't just do this at all really. I shouldn't.

I thought I would feel disgusting but I didn't.

All my other normal efforts did not work.

I wish that they did. But they didn't.

I know why.

I don't need coping mechanisms anymore. I've already done that. And failed. I need real people beside me.

I tried to give myself a better childhood. I tried really hard. I tried to enjoy it.

But everytime it blew up in my face.

So I gave up and moved on to imaginary efforts.

That was until they mostly became un-imaginary and started to hurt me mentally.

But before all that, it was fine.

I had no reason to suspect it wasn't. I was re-parenting myself, making new friends, enjoying life, becoming comfortable with myself. Except. None of this was real.

Part of me knew this. That's why none of these things made me guilty in the first place.

That was until I realized what I had made cookie12 spawn from.

Which was my own death.

Which sounds really bad, but it wasn't involved as much. It was just the catalist for any of the experiences to be made.

And they were great experiences. All caused by my decision to let go of things and become my own person. Whether realizing it or not. Though none of this was real in the first place.

Thinking that you already died isn't exactly I great way to live your life. Which is why I quit all cookie 12 daydreaming.

you can do all that without dying. I doesn't have to be this way. I knew that. But it was too scary.

Despite how nice their life was. It wasn't real life. It was all fake. I still accomplished things under daydreaming but. Most things didn't feel good. That was, unless I was daydreaming.

And they guilt i carried didn't help.

But in quitting I was now alone.

I'm still trying to figure how to deal with that.

While I still valued others, it all felt like I was just going through the motions.

Expecting one day they would all leave me and cut me off.

Until eventually I live in this house with terrible conditions and i daydream all day.

But for me this was a fantasy.

I think slightly more of myself now.

Theres no more daydreaming in my future I hope. And I think I want an okay house. And I think maybe I want to make sure I keep more hoarding in check. And I am not like my Aunt.

I sure do love her a lot, but I don't think she deserves to live like that.

And I'm trying really hard to not believe that myself. Though the truth is, I don't believe I'm deserving of anything. And I don't want anything.

My asks are so small.

And they shouldn't be. But I'm too scared to ask for the things I like.

Anyway.

I did something similar to what I did in 7th grade.

I had put the in my backpack. And then

Well I actually don't remember the rest.

Put cran-grape juice on the floor on purpose. Told my dad it was an accident and had him clean it.

Surprisingly the floor is not stained?

I left the In the backpack for weeks. That's disgusting.

I don't blame myself for it or anything. But it is.

#cheeseburgerboy #i don't like that ive gotten okay at lying. it really upsets me a lot because i actually hate it #i don't like doing that #cookie12 #monday was really bad. #it was just like when i begged for mama. except i didn't. i just forced myself to cry in my room. in the dark #because?? #i should be in the dark when im sad??? #i don't fully understand why i do that. #but im still looking for answers. #its kind of my thing #if i ever get to laughing like this again. throw me away #laughing isn't bad though. my brain is trying really hard to make me happy. but it always does it in a weird way. #ive noticed that. and i think its a little funny #even though it sucks. its like #stupid. ridiculous #how would thinking i died help me. silly #silly me! #anytime its just me by myself it gets weird. like if im helping myself i always do it wrong. #i gets funny after a while. #not very funny. just funny.

[the-6th-harbringer]

PLEASE READ

Hey. So. It's been a. while.

trigger warning: referenced suicide

So, if you haven't noticed, I literally evaporated for two weeks straight without any clarification on why or sign of actually being alive, unlike my last two week disappearance. Unfortunately, this unexpected evaporation does not come with a big "ooh more trauma more lore and angst for scara" thing.

This just happens to be my goodbye post.

I know, it's weird and kind of rude for me to dip for two weeks and then reappear like "hey fuckers im QUITTING hAHaA". Buuuut not only was my dad being annoying and hogging my laptop, I also barely have had time to myself for the past weeks. New family members have been introduced into my life, so now I have double the amount of little siblings to look after. (from 3 to 6. dont ask "how" thats a personal thing). juggling that with school, social stuff, fucking exams which are coming up in 3 months of my gOD, and other even more personal demons that I've been battling, its been. a lot.

SO, to make sure I do not pull the same move as Scaramouche did on the last day of his sakurarealm torture(iykyk), I'm taking a leave from tumblr. Don't know how long I'll be gone, don't know if I'll ever be back, but I didn't just wanna quit without at least telling you guys so you don't think I've been murdered or something.

On a more serious note, thank you all for all of the support and love you've given Scara and all my other blogs. While some of you are a handful, the majority of you are actually the sweetest and silliest community of people I've ever known. I hope you all have excellent lives.

Now, as for what happens to Scara, we're shoving him in another coma. which is entirely at the mercy of Wanderer's mod, because they're my friend outside of tumblr too and i trust that they'll use this as a major angst moment. Put an F for Cyrille and Scara guys

NOW: a few honorable mentions and thank yous:

@wandering-hat-guy : im not writing a goodbye type thing for you because i will literally talk to you tomorrow, but thank you for being an awesome brother-sibling figure. you are the wanderer to my scara :]

@an-active-rabbit : Thank you for being an extremely fun person to rp with. The puppets and the heart is a rp that wont leave my mind for a while yet. Many hugs for you! And I wont be forgetting Mikaven anytime soon >:3

@cyrille-leclair-de-fontaine : AUGH budddyyy im sorry to do this to you. But thank you for creating Cyrille in the first place. Cyscara my beloveds, they will always hold a place in my heart. Maybe one day they'll actually get somewhere. Im also willing to be your friend outside of tumblr if you wish because you're cool >:D

@dishonxsty : For also being a goofy little goober. My favorite rp with you was definitely the ouppy's and scara, and also kudos to you for making like 17 bajillion blogs and being able to manage them all at once somehow like???? go king go

Annnd @monsieur-neuvillette , who seems random because I havent rped with them in literally a century, but thank you for being the one to indirectly help me get over my fears of starting a rp blog AND being the inspo for me to start rping on tumblr in the first place. hugs for you too

Well, alls said that's been said, so I think I'll just end it off here, because it's been like 10 minutes since I started typing this and I am eepy.

Goodbye everyone except wandermod, and thank you for sticking with me through Scara's really out of pocket journey.

(PS: Rest in peace @the-tainted-blossom . I miss you everyday.)

#scara kinnie moment #i should probs reblog this to my other blogs acctually #yeah lemme do that

[mommypieck]

hi im sorry but i really wanted to rant and my best friend has been rlly weird lately.. my finals are going on rn and im usually not struggling this much to study yk.. like- im smart. i understand everything and its rlly easy. i cud be topping in everything if i wanted. but im so burnt out from 2019.. everyday id go directly to more classes after school and id reach home at 8pm where my mom wud force me to do homework and study more.. i was the fat kid until 2 years ago and i never had friends bcuz of it.. i developed anorexia and suddenly got people talking to me once i lost weight.. but ive also been depressed with adhd and ocd.. my therapist thinks im doing fine even though my antidepressants dont make me feel fine.. my adhd meds stopped affecting me too.. i REALLY wanna study, like i really do. tomorrow i have an exam for a subject i really like. but im unprepared. and i simply can't get myself to study.. i really dont know whats wrong with me.😭😭😭 i know these are my finals and i shud be serious cuz this will determine my life!! but i cant bring myself to sit and actually study.. for the previous tests this year, i managed to study the day before and the morning of the exam.. but this time, even though im waking up at 3:30 to study for the tests, i simply cant make myself do it.. I really do wanna study, i never hated it.. but idk why i cant.. pls some advice </3

i usually just make myself like the topic i am studying. even if it's the stupidest most boring shit, i just tell myself that it's actually interesting. and it works. also im really bad at chemistry and i hate it, but lately i always study a day before the exam. i just can't study anytime else because my brain doesn't work. but I don't think i have any advice to give you if you don't feel like studying. i had to study so i study and i don't think about not studying most of the time. only with chemistry. i know i didn't help u but im seriously not the type to ask for advice.

[varietales]

Talk about your favorite ship! | Favorite character to rp?

mun meme // accepting

This turned into a massive ramble oops...

Favourite ship (i'm letting myself do 3 RP ones from across my blogs)!

Lisanna x Sting with @aitheros. It lives in my head and heart rent free, I’m so soft for them. We have had so many good and precious interactions with them and plotted much more too! They are such a lovely pair and bring out the best in each other, I adore their softness and the way they can relax around each other so beautifully and understand each other. They’ve both been through a lot, and the plot we’ve done for them has added to that and I’m forever excited about the things we can do within the plot and outside of it too. They’re also AU gold honestly. And I can’t even think about Lisanna without Sting coming to mind now. I can’t express how much I adore them, and Mandy is an incredible writer (im forever in awe of the description and imagery and use of metaphors, absolutely stunning every time, not to mention the dialogue and everything else too) so I’m always feeling super lucky to get to write with her! Her Sting is just CHEFS KISS (its also his bday today and I remember this bc I love him so much, he is the sunshine in my life). So yes 10/10 I adore them.

Rogue x Mary with @killrate. We started writing these babes together way back in like 2016, so it has been A Long Journey and it’s been so good. Beautiful example of awkward friends to secret lovers. With Mary being an ex-cultist and criminal and all, and Rogue being a famous mage, we get this Delicious plot of them keeping their relationship secret. The Yearning and Drama and all that goodness. And we also have an angsty breakup era planned which is gonna kill me but I also love it. In their happy era, they are so beautiful, so cute and adoring and flirty and fun but deep too and the feelings are so real and get me every time. He just adores her so much and is the absolute softness for her. I’m weak, send help. Plus as well as being one of the coolest people ever, Fae has such wonderful writing, its always so fun, so well done and full of personality, and a delight to read!!!

Gray x Evergreen with @lucentaire. At first glance, one might think Huh that’s a weird pair, but the more you think about it, the more it makes sense. They have a lot in common in terms of hobbies/interests, the way they think and even act sometimes, and a lot more. I love these two (and Jana’s specific portrayal) for the way they have this beautiful…idk exactly, like understanding or acceptance of each other, that’s growing with each interaction. They’re really starting to Get each other and it brings a certain peace and its lovely. I love seeing them begin to open up to each other, and I love the hints of feelings creeping in, and I love the teasing that happens from time to time between them as well as from their friends, its just all So Good. When I think about them, I just get this really warm sense of peace and I love it. I also have to say Jana is an amazing writer, her words always flow so well, and she has this gift of sneaking in little references to other characters/muses or little anecdotes from a muse’s past or family that just really Add a little something and make her muses feel so real and rounded. An absolute inspiration every time. And anytime i'm writing anything about Evergreen in general, I have to actively stop myself from writing 'Rena' instead, she's just so deep in my brain.

Favourite character to RP!

I have so many muses and have written so many more in the past, so it’s tricky to pin down a favourite! They all have their differences, and my fave can change based on mood as well. That being said, the first one that came to mind was Lisia (Pokemon)! She was my most active (basically Only) muse for about 8 or 9 months (which is sadly impressive for me) back in 2018. I’m not sure if its nostalgia that I’m holding onto, but I had a lot of fun with her. The RPC was fun and active and I had some really cool things going (and then things went Bad). I put in a Lot of work with Lisia, writing heeeaps of hcs and so she’s a muse that I really adore. She’s just a gorgeous gal with a gorgeous heart. I haven’t been able to get her going again since then but I’ve been thinking about her lately and might give her blog a clean up. I say that every so often tho and never do it, plus I can never manage to get her active again. But anyway, outside of her, I think I would say Lisanna is one of my faves to write! Coincidentally (or not), Lisanna and Lisia are very similar personalities. I enjoy their bubbly, cute personalities, and the way they can become teasing menaces when they want to be, particularly when they get close to someone. They also have this great potential for depth and deep and meaningful convos and angst. They’ve been through a lot and are still So Kind and I think I just find that sort of character comforting. On the complete other hand, I also really get a kick out of writing Macbeth, and my other old fave that’s just come to mind is an og muse of mine, Siegrain, which again, was once upon a time a Most Active muse of mine that I somehow can never get going again. But I did love that sassy blue haired bastard...

I suppose I could have said which muse on This blog is a fave to rp, but i haven't really gotten things going for each muse yet so we'll have to wait and see!

#raiiryuu #thank you for this! #also the mira icon bc she is how i feel rn #❰ ･ﾟ― ooc. about momo. ❱

[generalsmemories]

Very out of pocket, but have you noticed something about how Jingy holds his guandao? Specifically how he goes from his na to skill. IT FEELS (LOOKS) VERY… OFF? (Also in his ult one of his hands look like its sliding up/down, but that’s unrelated just noticed it I guess (fun fact: im second-doubting it right now)) I’ve sent pics to a friend and slowed my own screen recordings down but it just looks very uncomfortable to hold (and switch to the pther atk) the way he does-

THIS BOY DOES NOT GET ANY REST BUT HES THE STRONGEST I OWN AND I WANNA STARE AT HIM IN BATTLE AND THOSE VOICELINESBFISHFLJD I LOVE HIM SM HELP 😭

Just needed to get that out i guess

Good luck with living, stay hydrated and eat ofc!🙏

cue me also going into star rail on my computer after weeks to see it in HD-

but (after staring at the maginificent animation and forgetting my purpose there cause as i type this it's now going on auto-) i don't see anything particular weird about it? i tried to mimic it myself but both hand placements makes a lot of sense considering how he carries it in each HAHA

in his NA he's sort of resting it upright on the ground, with the blade pierced into it so he's not actually using any strength to hold it up.

The animation when he switches from NA to skill doesn't actually seem very uncomfortable either tbh? tried it briefly with a pen and he literally throws the guandao a bit up so before grabbing it, the way his fingers are wrapped around it does seem very comfortable too- if anything i wonder if that's the most comfortable way to do switch up. anything else would either be too much uncessary movements or just uncomfortable HAHA

this man just has enough strength to throw the guandao and switch it between his hands HAHA, cause he switches hands even there too.

NO WORRIES BESTIE JING YUAN DOESN'T LEAVE MY TEAM EITHER EVEN WHEN I HAVE IL DAN HENG- I'M STUCK IN SIMULATED UNIVERSE 6 FARMING COCOLIA WITH HIM SO U BET UR ASS HE AIN'T RESTING ANYTIME SOON FOR ME EITHER <3

i shall continue living to keep giving ya'll content bestie I WONT' LEAVE YA'LL HANGING AND DRY!!

#narus' message corner #jingsnuggler #anyone with jing yuan: have u noticed- #me: lemme tell u smth LET ME TELL U SMTH #but yeha this man has me mimicing his movements too to explain down bad? it is indeed here in the house with us.

[meet-at-tycho]

ahem.

no i fucking adore them both like WOW.. their laughter, i remember? one time i joined call with them and they were laughing when i joined from a joke and. it was the most beautiful sound in the whole world like i nearly dropped dead on the spot. it feels embarrassing to love them so much? but i do i really do!!!! like SORRY.. i cant help it, ive never been happier alright the least i could do is express it. its.

IT IS EMBARRASSING THOUGH, whenever im lonely i just pretend theyre with me. when im downstairs i talk quietly, to myself but in my head im telling them what im thinking about and my opinion on which fnaf game is truly the best okay like. when i sleep at night i pretend we have a sleep over because i think thats so sweet!!! infected my mind like a fucking PLAGUE actual vermin alright. SICKENING

i KNOW its. i know its weird and probably unsettling honestly but. ITS JUST HOW I COPE OKAY theyre so far away from me, i dont know if ill ever get to see them, yknow? NO NIGHT ON THE TOWN WITH MY BESTIES..... BREAK MY HEART its the worst. this is how i cope with that 😞 IDK like

MAN i could go on and on and ON about it, the way im constantly having fun? and even when nothings happening at all, im just happy to be there. happy to share the silence with them, happy to listen to what they have to say, hear about their days, their feelings ETC like

theyre the kind of people you feel like youve known yr whole life yknow? people who have just cemented themselves in yr life so certainly, people who are imbedded in my soul right. I KNOW IM BEING SAPPY but im allowed okay im SAD.. i see them in all the things i do, i mutter their words to myself, im literally constantly saying i miss them in the middle of conversations with my sibling, they get annoyed BUT I DO...

yknow whats funny? anytime i go downstairs with my other friends on call i completely forget which ITS JUST IN MY NATURE alright once i focus on something else im GONE okay im coming back 45 minutes later one of thems gone the other one is asleep like. OOPS.. i was analyzing fnaf to my sibling thats my bad. but with them? its at the top of my mind. cant stay and talk longer, need to go back upstairs they are waiting for me!!!

i think its cuz.. to me, every single moment is precious. admittedly i am still scared to lose them, its just.. instinct at this point. i want to remember every day i spend with them, every conversation and. GRRRRR. i love them so much 🥳🥳 THEY CALL ME CIRCUMBINARY THE WAY I BE ORBITING TWO PERFECT STARS like wow. OKAY...

arent i the luckiest guy in the world? to have not one, but TWO people who understand me so deeply, who go out of their way to know me, to spend time with me ? it makes me tear up when i think about it IM FUCKEDDD man its so over for me. ive always been an outcast, feel like i never fit anywhere but. i fit HERE, this is where i belong!!! thats how they make me feel every single day :]

knowing them has me seeing sunshine and rainbows for the first time in my entire life like. i worked fucking hard, i got myself out of hell but after that i was alone again... not anymore!!! happy.. im happy. all theyve had to do was be here and im more than content, all they had to do was EXIST!!!

stars align in the weirdest ways, but im glad they did 🥳🥳🥳 peace and love on the planet earf

#embarrassing but #DONT BE MEAN TO ME........ #i just feel a lot okay its not my fault

[sexisdisgusting]

I saw a woman making a misandrist account with "all men are like this, " men just want sex", "men don't see women as human", " this is universal truth about men" posts every single day multiple times over and over again for months and months while getting a Nigel at the same time who was your moid friend for years… And saying "all men want maids but my nigel is a genuine man and helps me clean"… I saw her tweets and always thought that she sounds naive, childish and mentally disabled because all nigel havers come off as that, I thought "nigel havers are twice as stupid as other women because they believe their moids to be some godlike exception". She got pregnant after two months and continued writing rageful " all men" tweets with a baby in her stomach, stressing it out with all the anger and getting *uwu congratulations on your nigel and baby" replies from other misandrists like… You can expect what happened next. She confessed that he took a condom off a few times behind her back therefore I know that this means that he never saw her as a human and just "conspired" against her like she's a meat or a toilet for his cum. She didn't even notice it. She's still with him and he is her fiance, still a "Nigel". I really think I was born with superior awareness because why I fucking knew she sounds weirdly dumb like they all? Hello what do I know? So I'm not a bitter hater making schizo accusations in my mind and it's just women who lie about their uwu romantic genuine equal relationships? What other horrible assumptions of mine are right… About issues like this they all turn out to be true no matter how insane and disgusting they were and made me sound like a gross person making up things...I got shit for it sooooo many times

But it gets worse, he pays the bills and works, she stays at home... He saw her misandrist acc and lectured her for half an hour... She sounds like her mind is underdeveloped but all het partnered women sound like this to me thats just..... So trippy, she calls her child a bean and a fool she's gonna dress up like it's not human but... A doll lol ykwim like its so childish "omg uwu I'm gonna have a little doll to dress's in cute clothes" wtffff

I was always so abused for making these assumptions abt het relationships... For 8 years now my prophecies were turning out to be true, no matter how misandrist, misogynistic, degenerate I sounded.. No matter how much of a lower people thought I am. This much time also allowed me to observe certain relationships for years and see what happens and you guess what. Worst blackpilled assumptions. Sometimes I sounded like a porn sick moid making up things but they always ended up being true also... What is my brain like this? I was always uncomfortable with womanhood.. Its like im not naive enough to let a moid impregnate me or date one but other women brains work differently. I'm so horrified and disgusted with life and uncomfortable with everything in general, I have access to the awareness women have no access too and I see male pov and I can't ignore it.... I how men conspire behind women backs but women pov brainwashed me to think its not true since they dont see what men see when they are behind their backs literally or not.... I'm terrified wtd everything is so filthy. I can't even call myself different than other women without attacks but I swear I was born with awareness they dont and can't have, I gaslighted myself about it multiple times because of the insults and attacks I got anytime I said that

my jaw fell multiple times reading this holy fucking shit

i really have no words to say

it is weird when you feel everyone around you is blind to how disgusting men are, wilfully too

makes you feel crazy

#asks #anon asks

[deadgrantaires]

can i please catch a break can i PLEASE catch a break

called dentist again after they rescheduled me and the person i spoke to "simply couldnt answer my questions" since it was her FIRST DAY I GUESS ( AND NOBODY WAS HELPING HER???) regaurding some weird surcharges they said i deifntely had to pay. so called back a while later so idk. she can get trained i guess. was told yep defintielly have to pay for PPE myself. WHAT??? tell her um thats odd ive never had a dentist charge me that before and she gets a tone and is like "WELL have u gone to the dentists since covid?" and im like yes.... the as frequently as my insur4nce allows and this IS weird to me. try asking if its necessary and shes running around not answering "idk whay i have to pay for the dentists medical supplies" "its for YOUR safety not the doctors" -> endless dodging the questions. ask her how much its supposed to cost. she says 'WELL IDK i dont work the office its dependant on yr insu.rance' 'okay.... can u run my insu.rance then' 'NO I CANT thats not my j0b i cant access that' 'okay can u transfer me to soemone who can' 'nobody else is in the office u have to call back ether ____day or ____day between X hours' 'okay well i wish someone had given me this information last time i called instead of jsut saying i can call back anytime' 'I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER WHAT HAPPENED it just happened' 'okay ye im telling u about..... a problem... that is happening in Your offi.ce.... so idk... maybe u can fix it.... anyway i guess ill jsut... take this info moving forward and call back [first day she mentioned]' 'YOU CANT CALL THAT DAY were closed then' 'you literally jsut told me to call then. but fine. ill call [other day she mentioned] i guess. thanks bye')

this was after they apparently scheduled me for when the doctor was KNOWN to be out of town and i had to then reschedule. got condescendedly spoken down about it by this cunt today too about how the doctor HAD to go and she already had this time booked out so they CANT JSUT reschedule for ONE patient and i go yeah cool. so if u knew about it why the fuck did i get scheduled then IN THE FIRST PLACE

insane world. anyway god knows when/if ill get answers about all this bullshit surcharges theyre trying to give me and i migth jsut have to go with a different dentist whos off.ice staff isnt full of incompetent condescending morons. yknow. again

[zhuhongs]

hhhhh so im on a ridiculously long ride home and just my phone so tumblr diary entry time lol. if you have my instagram this will make more sense but yk. anyways. so yesterday was the last day of the semester and i was tbh pretty normal abt it. but leading up to it i was a mess and tbh i think my stomach issues actually came more from the stress of knowing im leaving but the alcohol seemed plausible enough an explanation so i ran with it. but nah i was just. hhhh overwhelmed. bc anytime i was out with ppl it disappeared and as soon i was alone and not busy i was like. oh theres the stomach pain. LOL. but yea. so i decided my going away present to everyone would be a drawing of them plus a message bc like. i always said i liked art but never rlly showed my classmates my art so i was like. welp lets go out with a bang. and it felt good bc i really wanted to do smth like this sooner. my initial plan to make a good impression was to print stickers of my art and put my IG on it and get close to ppl that way. but i was just far too stressed and thought itd be weird. so i just. Didnt. and i regret not putting in enough effort at the beginning. but i also feel like its okay, especially given my upbringing. i needed that time to myself to figure it out, and now i really know that i can just. talk to ppl. and not be afraid. bc the ppl i got closest to were the one i swore would judge me most bc of my own preconceived notions, but i told the the parts of me i hid the most and they accepted it. and could at least sympathize and actually relate and i just. why was i so silly. why was i so mean to myself to be convinced that i was so unacceptable that no one except for those who already knew me could accept me and enjoy my presence? i was so silly. i wont do that again, but if i do, it will still be easier than doing it this time bc I'll recognize the patterns and quickly snap out of it.

in a way, i really do feel like i needed all this time alone to process myself and rlly look myself in the eye and recognize the ways ive lived that i can just stop doing now that i have the freedom to be free of my past. and part of me feels like I'm saying that as copium bc i didnt connect sooner and i possibly could have also had a better time with others and still have come to realize the same things and more through the help and company of others. but i also know that i cant live life always thinking so much. so i just need to live and let the regrets be what they are, and move forwards. but the regrets do indeed linger. like i made the decision not to stay in taiwan. bc of well A. money and B. i felt like if i had more time I'd just fucking waste it like i wasted the first 4 months. i might as well force myself into a corner and see if that would make me do things i was too scared to do otherwise. and like, it worked! i did say fuck it and rlly just let loose bc i was gonna leave but now its worked too well. and like i wish soooo bad that i had those 3 months to fully enjoy every chance working out. Part of me says that its best to leave with that hope. rather than have taken that chance and it fizzled out. the thing keeping me from extending the most was honestly knowing I'd have my birthday there. and i could not take the possibility of spending my birthday alone... i legit couldnt stomach it. in the past i used to spend every bday alone but in recent years ive had a mazing friends that actually made my bday special and i just. I'm so used to having that day be nice that i really couldnt take the possibility of it being awkward. but now i realize that it wouldn't have been like that. it couldve been wonderful. but thats okay, in another life. or maybe a few years. who knows. im considering doing smth like this again in like 2 years after I've worked a bit. i have nothing but time. but man. sometimes i just wonder yk.

and last night i had a rlly good one on one talk with my classmate and that was amazing, but i got home and checked IG like a dumbass and say another group of classmates partying til 3am and i was like.... man i should've done that. but like, logically no. i had a great night regardless and i partied with those classmates last week. ive had my fill, and i had things to do today that i needed to be coherent for. but i couldn't help but thinking what if. and i know its not so easy to kill that voice inside my head. its always gonna be there. its not just me, thats the devil of SNS like instagram. bc you see the best parts of everyone's lives at all times and feel like you're missing out but you're not. you only see a sliver of what it really was..but yea. its okay. I'm still so very young. and i just need to treasure now and take whatever chances i get to nourish the connections i have right now and put yourself out there to make new ones when the chances arise. its okay, there is not life that can be lived without saying goodbye. but damn, yesterday at the school gates two of my classmates hit me with the さよなら and that. man i felt it in that moment. theres so much i wish i couldve said in all that time we had to spend together but i just held my tongue bc i was scared. but this was really playing social interaction on hard mode, like the cultural differences, the language barrier, the introversion, the fact it was my first time on my own fr, just, there were soooo many factors working against me specifically. and fuck man, i still did it. and i am still so young, i really can do whatever i want. it feels so weird. ive only been here 6 months but in a way it feels like this is how its always been. like the fact that im going home feels so strange. like i havent been there in years, i honestly cant fully grasp that im gonna be in a place where i speak the language fluently and am fully aware and familiar with my surroundings. like, why does that feel so odd. it does, i legit dont even know how to feel besides strange. i just have a strange pit in my stomach. but its okay. it will pass as everything does. but these days will always live on inside me as everything does. even if i can't fully recall it. so i just have to keep going as always. god. life is trippy man. but yea. Yea. thats it. i think

#🐌.txt #i just dropped off my shit at my friends moms place. now im going home to shower and clean my room. #then im going to get dinner and then go clubbing with my cousin #tomorrow I'll return my room and head down to taichung. and then just vibe. process everything. explore. im really nit expecting much. #i just know i have to keep seeing as much as i can til i leave. and then. fucking... 2 days at my friends moms place. and then. thats #fucking it folks!!! ship my ass back to the US!!

[slashercult]

Hello. Thank you for the new year prediction game!

Something good that happened to me this year was that i processed some feelings i was holding onto. It was a tough but liberating moment. I learned the importance of reading psychological books as they help me go through life alot more smoothly.

A mini prediction for you next year is that a big or a good opportunity will come your way (be it career wise or take it as it resonates) , it will make you stressful ( i felt stress a bit while channeling ) but that feeling will pass and you'll feel great later on that you took this opportunity.

A youtube video that brings me comfort is "some rough advice for the real world" by vlogbrothers. I'm a teen ( soon to be an adult ) and that video comforts me alot. You can watch it anytime you want. But ig if you're adult and have already gone through stuffs and epiphanies then this might be a bit boring for you. So i have one more video suggestions for you and that is– "a girl proposes to a nurse on anesthesia" it's an adorable video.

The question i wanna ask is 🕯️- what should i focus on the next year?

I hope november is going nice for you. Take care

hello!! thank you for participating in this game! i hope the mini prediction that you had for me that more opportunities will come through. as for the video you sent, im not an adult yet as well, i use this blog to mainly give free readings and occasionally exchange readings to get more practice. tarot is a hobby for me and it makes me really happy to see the different ways that it has helped people. but im getting off track here - the video that you sent was really helpful, im at a weird time in my life where i am confused as to what i want for myself in the future so it really resonated, thank you! this is getting a bit too long so let's move on to your reading then shall we?

your energy as of right now: temperance, the fool, the devil (r) what should you focus on in 2024: three of cups, the star (r), nine of pentacles (r) oracle cards: the elk and the ash (strength)

i type and then pull out more cards when i usually do readings, so i don't know what will come next after im done typing something. it's almost like its my train of thought in a way, anyways i hope you enjoy. for your current energies, i got only major arcana cards, all of which carry really good news, so im seeing that you are at a really stable place right now. the image coming into mind is a very serene and calm scene at the beach right after a storm. the crabs and little creatures are ready to come out and explore all that the beach has to offer. the first card that you got was temperance, which shows me that you already have a vision of what it is you want to achieve from the new year. it's also showing that you have recently found peace within yourself and are putting your skills to good use. the fool is also saying that you are ready to embrace new changes in your life. you are at a point in your journey where you are ready to try new things and be more authentic to yourself. you're excited for the new opportunities that the new year has to offer. the devil reversed just confirms this even further, by showing that you are reclaiming your power. you are not going to back down again and let everything be swept away by the waves before you have the chance to be near it. the new year is the perfect opportunity to spend more time with family, friends, anyone that you really love and cherish. the cards are also telling me that you shouldn't feel afraid to turn to others for support when you need it, because im seeing that there are a lot of people who want you to succeed in the new year. there may be times in the new year where you feel as though everything is turned against you, but the cards assure that if you are able to keep being hopeful and surrounding ourselves with positive energy you will be able to effectively deal with this lack of motivation/creativity. 2024 is the time for you to take a few steps back from everything and relax and regain your strength. the oracles are guiding you to remember your strengths, because much like the elk and the ash, you are strong and are able to withstand the days when the weather is tough and harsh. that's all for your reading, please don't forget to leave feedback, i hope you enjoyed and have a wonderful new year!

#tarotblr #free tarot reading #new year ask game #ask game #beardedcupcakehideout

[karoochui]

Heyyyy!!! Hi!!! hello !!!

Dropping this here to say I love your mini-comics and I absolutely ADORE the way you draw yn! The star earrings are just so cute and I really think it makes their design unique. Also, the way you draw everyone is somehow?? My ideal gender??? Just wanted you to know that <3

I hope we get to see more of the sillies thank you for everything you do <3333 (hope this doesn't come off as weird in any way 😭)

HELLOOO!! Thank you! And dont worry its not weird at all! Im glad you enjoy them! And dont worry I wont be stopping anytime soon especially since im kinda using them to help me imagine how id write and depict their personalities for an AU and maybe?? MAYBE a fic. I hardly write so no promises. Plus when i said i had the bare bones of an idea and nothing more i meant it lol

ALSO! im glad you like my y/n! I tried to go for a more androgynous look for them (for projection purposes) but also with tidbits of my personal style. The earrings are actually ones i own myself! And so is the jacket, which is actually something my pawpaw got for my mom when she was younger and he worked offshore. Then she gave it to me so its mine now 😋 id ramble more but i dont wanna say too much umpromoted lol

#my asks #dca x y/n #y/n

[tyranitarkisser]

How can someone go about trying to be less needy and obsessive and prone to bouts of depression when they arent getting constant reassurance. I started taking antidepressants and while its been a very clear improvement from how Iwas doing before its only made depression so much more obvious. Nothing phases me and I never feel like Im any real danger a car could come screeching to a stop an inch away from me and I would feel nothing. Im here and It makes me feel good to be there for the people I care about and help others in a physical tangible way but I dont think theres anything I can do to make myself feel worthwhile beyond that. I Just wish I could feel like Im on the same page as everyone else but so many people just want to talk about things I dont care about and I feel bad that I cant engage with people enough to consistently make new friends but nothing about politics or pop culture or current events appeal to me its all such a vague nothingness I have no control over its like unfathomable to me. How does anyone want to talk about that it has nothing to do with us. When I watch other people interacting its literally like theyre speaking another language. Like I feel like I can make myself well liked in that I know how to act around people and make them feel good but I cant do that neurotypical playful rudeness everyone does I just dont understand little banter between coworkers my mind literally draws a blank anytime someone tries to talk like that to me. Ill always be the weird person that doesnt know how to talk much to others but is dying inside for a morsel of affection and attention. I have SO much love bottled in my soul that I want to give and it eats me up from inside its physically painful that I have no clue how to use it and no one to share it with and its so hard to tell myself Im not annoying everybody around me with my presence no matter how much they say its okay it never feels okay. Does that make sense?

[horce-divorce]

Dental update .... the antibiotics helped a lot but tomorrow I'll be out of them. Today's the first day I didn't take painkillers and like it doesn't.... Not hurt? It's not as severe as it was, but something's very much not right. my face is kinda starting to go tingly and my facial muscles are kinda harder to move than they were... The pain is getting referred to weird spots in my head where my tooth shouldn't be hurting... Idk whatever ig I'm trying not to think about it....

The oral surgery place should call me back anytime. We'll have to pay out of pocket, it'll be like 2 grand, but my parents said make the appointment and we'll figure it out somehow, provided they let me in to the facilities as long as I'm still testing negative....

Thought about applying for another CareCredit, they probably have me on some kind of blacklist or something for never paying them before lmao but I was thinking about how I'm gonna need to do something about going out of state for my MALS too. no clue how I'd make payments before disability kicks in but just something I'm considering cus like. I'm only gonna get older and more decrepit yk. this isn't slowing down anytime soon.

The weed my friends bought for me last time has lasted me a good 2 weeks which is the best I can hope for, but I'll be out again soon... Gonna have to ask for help again w that at least and I'm glad I won't have to beg for the teeth, but I'm just so tired of begging for my life in general. I'm putting it off and I'm gonna regret it, I'm losing weight again and I'm so scared of how sick it's making me not to be eating enough but ughh I'm sick of it. I'm sick of it. I miss having a stupid fucking job. What I wouldnt give to be getting yelled at over petty shit like ice cream again. Never been "gainfully" employed in my damn life but still being able to go break myself in the mall and maybe taking $5 that I shouldn't spend and doing it anyway came with more dignity than begging for everything I need.

I'm so glad I had my T today at least cus there's very few points of light in my day right now and Im trying so hard to keep my chin up but I'm tired. I'm so tired. It's so much energy to keep me alive. What little energy my body can produce goes right back towards making the energy I'll need to survive and do the same thing tomorrow. like a snake eating its tail...

#me #medical stuff #prsnl #i need to get off estrogen... i can produce enough depression on my own thnx....

[xslug]

I dont know what hurts more, not being able to get attached and hurting people or realizing ill never feel the same way i felt when i was attached.

im in hell everyday in my mind. All these thoughts and scenarios i make in my head on the different ways i can just simply kill myself. people will miss me but what does that matter when the person i needed doesnt miss me now. I dont care if she misses me once im dead because ill be dead. i want to have the feeling of knowing i have value and a purpose. my purpose was to make this girl my everything and make her feel happy. To make her really love the tiny imperfections of herself. To really appreciate and embrace who she was as a person. but the more i pointed out her “imperfections” the more she started to change. All those simple calls turned into forced conversations and unwanted company. It feels like im just a corpse that wakes ups and lays back in its coffin. i never am happy and i can only get more depressed. drugs dont even fucking help since it makes me trip about the shit im trying to forget. I always ask why im so alone and it’s because im a piece of shit. I always hurt the people that loved me the most. i never watch my mouth and how i express my feelings. It hurts because i dont even mean to come off disrespectful or arrogant but its just my honesty that pisses people off.

I dont know how many times i wanted to kill myself. Its scary that anytime im out in public i always imagine the many ways i could end my life in that point of time. The amount of times ive gotten so close to finally being able to relax and then i pussy out. Its to the point where i cant even value my own life since its be so deappricited of my destructive mind. i always want to die and its weird. people fear death when its close but i know ill die soon. Let it be in 5-10 years but i know i aint makin past 21. so god can either get it over with now or ill suffer longer.

I hate people. Ill ask the devil once im in hell why this bitch broke my heart.

[jrueships]

aquarius. be honest, i’m not too worried 😈

I FUCKING HATE AQUARIUS, i can say this cus im moon aquarius and those fucks caused me half my pain and embarrassment. It's all me of course but still i hate them. Aquarius, i feel like lowkey bad for tho cus they were probably the kids who had some of the most embarrassing stages ever. Idk why, maybe cus they're so 'weird' and aquarius love being 'different',, which CAN lead to them being super cool but omg as a kid that 'im not LIKE other xx' mentality can be SO embarrassing like. Someone just needs to tell some aquariuses that being different isn't all that. Like I know it's their personality but STILL there's like a TIME and a PLACE. i just know for me personally.. wanting to be different while the leo wanted to be special was a..... combination. As a kid. I was other kids' worst nightmares and im not proud 😭 i made friends with all the people i did dirty later n apologized but if they still secretly hate me , i DO NOT blame them. Some probably made a movie where i inspired the bully character bro i was bad

So yea i lowkey hate aquarius mainly cus i just hate myself but hate taking the blame so i push it on other things i think are responsible. So I don't REALLY hate aquarius, it's just easy for me to get in that mindset. I actually love aquarius and have a lot of aquarius friends. Having aquarius friends is the best thing ever to have with an aquarius. They will be the most unique friends ever, every experience you have with them is fun. When an aquarius is comfortable with you? Yessir! You know you got it good! They seem sweet at the beginning but you get to know em n it's hilarious. They ALWAYS got somethin interesting! Always saying curveballs. Worst thing for an aquarius to do is get stuck in the quirky mindset tho. Cus yeah they ARE different n i appreciate that a LOT! they are a breath of fresh air from humans! They are little aliens n i love them! But my god can they be annoying with being a little alien. Like you wanna CELEBRATE their differences, but an aquarius who gets STUCK in it can be utterly insufferable and turn all their unique traits sour to a person. Like bro we GET IT you're not LIKE other anime fans because you READ THE MANGA omg bro my mind? Blown. they CAN get annoying like that, but when they're not, they're the best. When they ARE tho... they can be the WORST

N IM NOT SAYIN THIS TO FORCE EM INTO 'CONVERSION' OR WHATEVER, an aquarius HATES that. Just be careful with getting a big head! Everyone should be! No one likes a braggart! Especially a MENTAL one, which an aquarius CAN be because they're so smart and independent ! Very mental! Mental superiority can be super hard to recognize n fix! N combat!!

LIKE an aquarius can think super mean things as long as they don't SAY em. You can tell they're thinkin things n they can be petty in action, but as long as it's kept low its FINE. But an aquarius who LOVES being 'different' will say or do some of the meanest shit ever because they're just 'different' like that. That's 'who they are' or whatever. BUT DON'T ! LIKE! DON'T! you'll REGRET it. Just flourish with your different talents, utilize them instead of bragging about them! THEN you'll have something to actually TALK about without coming across as an asshole! Just my advice idk tho, it's helping me but it might not always apply to others so take what you will!

Just sayin tho, i was camping with an aquarius friend n we got attacked by GEESE! like a BUNCH of GEESE. AND I RUSHED HIM INTO THE TENT N CLOSED THE ZIPPER. THE GEESE RAN TO THE TENT AND STARTED LIKE!!! gOOSE NIPPING AT THE TENT COVER! IT WAS TERRIFYING! YOU COULD SEE THEIR BEAK SHADOWS AS THEY BIT THE TENT! THERE WERE SO MANY! n idk i just started swinging on them through the inside of the tent 😭 LIKE ANYTIME I SAW A BEAK SHADOW, I PUNCHED. I JUST STARTED PUNCHING THEM. and my AQUARIUS friend was just SITTING THERE arms CROSSED goin '😡 this is animal cruelty, ted.' lIKE BITCH I FUCKIN KNOW???? THATS WHY IM DOING IT. IM BEING CRUEL TO THEM TO MAKE THEM STOP.' LIKE WE DONT NEED TO BE DISCUSSIN STEVE IRWIN RN WHEN I AM TRYING TO SAVE OUR FUCKIN LIVES !!!!!!

but yeah he's great tho, we're still friends. I laugh abt that story all the time with him. I hit a goose with a water can. And I DO feel bad for animal crueltilizing those GEESE but! GEESE DONT PLAY!!!! SO I HAD TO NOT PLAY! IT WAS AN ACT OF SURVIVAL! I DIDNT JUST RANDOMLY WALK UP TO A GOOSE CHILLIN N PUNCHED IT !!!!! I WOULD NEVER ‼️‼️ I LOVE GEESE!!! BABY GEESE! i probably punched a few mothers n i apologize but ! We keep it pushing 😎

BUT YEAH THEY CAN BE SUPER GREAT OR SUPER 'bruh.' It's similar to a lot of people, they have they ups n downs! Don't get too caught up in it! An aquarius tho, they'll LISTEN. That's a REALLY good quality. N some people will SAY they're great listeners, but an aquarius will actually MEAN it. They're GREAT listeners! They don't ALWAYS remember things, but they'll have an idea of what you've said to them n they'll bring it up to you cus they know you care about it!!! Theyre caring like that! They like to hear people talk about what THEY like! GENUINELY!! it's super nice

#aquarius hate small talk tho so they wanna be interested!!! n interesting! #hence why theyre known for being awkward cus if they cant be interesting then.. what are they? #just an average human being whos NOT an alien??? #NO. #THIS CANT BE. #anyways yea i love aquarius cus i hate aquarius but i love them #😎it doesnt add up #ted tumbunity things