#i feel like im faking everything. like what if ive just convinced myself that im not cis and straight but its all fake?

[newtness532]

im feeling too much

#i just havent slept well and im really stressed about the exams and im supposed to get my period tomorrow which is very inconvenient timing #and i just feel like crying. i have things i need to do but cant get myself to do them. (tumblr keeps crashing?). #i feel like im faking everything. like what if ive just convinced myself that im not cis and straight but its all fake? #im also a terrible person. i mean im just selfish and i make everyone's life difficult #and i really dont want to go back to being on my own all the time #anyway just ignore me please #sorry for being so blue ill get better soon #thanks for coming to this venting session lol #jo says stuff #personal ramblings

[autisticlancemcclain]

fic rec friday 47

hello and welcome to fic rec friday! where, on friday, i rec five of my favourite fics.

Damnit, Pidge by spirkylurkey

Pidge has some top-secret-classified-don't-tell-Keith-info that she accidentally lets slip to, you guessed it, Keith. Lance is an embarrassed mess. Keith isn't faring much better, to be honest.

this one made me LAUGH the way that this all pidge's fault and she's literally like. well. you shouldn't be so gay then. and she's right!! they're so dumb i love them

2. Operation: Faking It by @writeonclara

“What the hell, guys?” Pidge squawked, wrestling away from Matt. “Why are you pretending to be a couple?” Or: Matt and Lance pretend to be a couple because Shiro and Keith are clueless as hell.

do you guys remember shatt?? i remember shatt. adashi will always have my heart but shatt will literally always be funny bc ofc thats ur fic name. anyways. this fic is mostly klance but the entire concept is just so ridiculously goofy that u have to laugh. do you like lance and matt? do you like fake relationship to real relationship? do you like inverted tropes? do you like pining? do you like comedic jealousy? then this fic is well and truly for you because it has all that and more

3. all's well that ends well to end up with you by @coruscatingcatastrophe

Keith's jacket gets ruined, so Lance decides to be a good Samaritan and give him his. This is the beginning of the end.

megan's fic literally make me want to eat cement i'm so serious. i've read and been obsessed with TONS of her stuff but this one???? this fucking one???? oh god the slowburn kills me. the blossoming realisation that oh god we've been dating this whole time huh. the CHIVALRY...............a romance novel in the truest of senses and i am going to fry

4. as long as it won't separate you from me (i'll be fine) by @coruscatingcatastrophe

A little intrigued—not that she’d ever admit it—Pidge begins to climb the stairs. But before she even reaches halfway, the door—slams shut. All on its own, or so it seems. Pidge pauses, brows creasing in confusion, as she turns to look down at her dog. “Did you see that?” she asks. Peculiarly, she notes that Bae Bae’s fur is bristled, and he growls at the door before barking twice. That’s weird. Bae Bae never growls. Turning back to the door, Pidge feels unsettled, but she tells herself not to jump to ridiculous conclusions. There’s a logical explanation for everything. Maybe there was a gust of wind from the air conditioner, or the doorframe isn’t level. Whatever it is, she’s going to figure it out. - Or, a Beetlejuice au (kind of). Pidge isn't a fan of her new house, Lance and Keith are the ghosts haunting her attic, and together they hatch a plot to convince Shiro and Adam to skedaddle out of the house. There may be demon summoning involved. But seriously, Adam. Getting your hair set on fire really isn't that bad.

HAPPY (late) HALLOWEEN!!! ive been thinking about this fic all october and finally let myself reread it. ive never loved beetlejuice more than when i read this. it's so fun!! so interesting!! pidge gets a chance to shine!! klance are so!!! the way it had the story of beetlejuice but adapted well!! im!!

5. never thought i'd see the day in my life by @coruscatingcatastrophe

But Keith has somehow gone even paler in the short amount of time he’s been at the table, and he shakes his head. “No, something is . . .” His gaze flickers back to Lance, and he’s startled to find that Keith’s eyes are purple. They’ve got to be contacts. Ridiculous. As if the mullet and gloves and personality weren’t enough. Keith pushes away from the table abruptly, looking incredibly put-off now. “I, uh—gotta go,” he mutters, before angrily gathering up the backpack he’d dropped into the chair next to him and storming out of the cafeteria. “Huh,” Hunk says. “Well, that introduction could have gone a bit better. Don’t take it personally though; sometimes Keith’s just like that.” - Or, a Twilight au starring Lance as Bella, Keith as Edward, and the rest of the Voltron gang as themselves. Lance is insufferable, Keith is awkwardly trying to figure out why Lance is the way he is, and along the way they fall in love, or something. It's probably, definitely the best love story since Twilight itself.

now ive never read twilight and i refuse to on principle. but i didn't find this one creepy and instead it was super fun and dweeby and lance is indeed a ray of sunshine, thank you megan for noticing, and it turns out when the story isn't a hetero mormon wet dream it's actually a good time!!

that’s it for today!! i’ll see y’all back next friday for the next fic rec post!!!

#i do the same author thing a lot huh #look it's just how i read fic okay. by author #it's easier #vld #voltron #lance #lance mcclain #keith #keith kogane #klance #slowburn #slowburn klance #twilight au #beetlejuice au #pidge #pidge holt #pidge & keith #pidge & lance #matt #matt holt #matt & lance #shatt #longpost #fic rec #fic rec friday

[compassionatereminders]

Ive been reconnecting with a friend recently that i didn't know that well before. they're really nice and kind and ive opened up to them way more than anyone else I think i ever have short of like. maybe my ex. but not even her tbh.

but like. they're kind to the point of it being mega triggering. I genuinely dont know how to respond and a lot of times ive lashed out at them. BC im convinced theyre being fake or lying. and Idk really how to stop it because in those moments I dont feel inside myself-

And by the time I do I can only really like. apologize. ive talked to them about it, they know i dont mean to and we've been working on it.

recently they added a new person to our discord. I dont like them but they're like. nice. just bad gut feeling.

but I tried to tell them (my friend) about it and it's gone really badly. I cant get back in myself snd everytime I go to talk to them again it gets worse. i feel like im ruining everything again and i don't know how to stop it. they're still not even mad. but I cant stop saying stupid shit. And Idk what to do.

I cant tell if I was goibg to ask advice now or if I really just needed to vent but. yeah. Idk. they're too nice to me and i wish my brain would work properly BC right now they're all I have and i don't want to lose them. I cant get out of this damned fog.

I get that it's frustrating that you can't just "snap out" of these patterns and control your reactions, but realizing that there's a negative pattern going on and that you've been acting out unfairly, no matter how unintentionally, is an important first step. I encourage you to look at what tends to trigger these big reactions in you, and whether you/your friend could do something differently to avoid it. And to talk and communicate about it along the way. Realizing when you were in the wrong and apologizing is a good start, but it sounds like there's a bigger problem to be solved here and I encourage you to start working through it.

#chat with kat

[bumblebeerror]

My teeth hurt sometimes, just. In general. They’ve done this a while now, mostly when the weather changes. It starts in my jaw and creeps up my teeth until I can’t chew very well because I don’t want to move my jaw or put pressure on my teeth. It also means sleeping’s difficult, and just. Most things weirdly become a lot more difficult when you don’t want to chew. My jaw’s been like this for a week or so now? I think. I mostly don’t notice it starting until sleeping gets harder.

Anyway, all that to say it’s been a Rough day when it comes to my body and brain working correctly. I woke up when I usually do, took my adhd meds, and then fell asleep for another three hours. I streamed today after talking with some friends, and about a hour after my two hour stream, I just hit a wall. I’m already tired enough to go back to sleep now. Everything is shaky and tender and it’s… such a slap in the face. Sometimes.

Especially because I don’t register pain like this. It doesn’t occur to my brain to interpret it that way. I get tired, I feel pressure more sharply, but I don’t feel pain unless I stop to check in. So if you asked me today what I was feeling… I’d tell you Im tired. I’d tell you I feel shaky and maybe kind of feverish, that my legs dont want to work at any faster pace. I’d tell you my body feels weak and that my neck and head ache, because that’s about the only pain on me that’s sharp, that changes, that waxes and wanes.

And at some point today I finally registered that I was feeling pain. That my hands are shaking because every nerve in them is sending a constant signal. My arms feel heavy and my legs feel wobbly and my joints feel unstable because every nerve is sending a message I can’t read. Its kind of funny, in a way - if I stop focusing on reading that message as pain, it stops registering that way again. Like Francis Freeman, the villian in the first Deadpool movie? One of his powers is not feeling pain.

I’m not sure what my point here really is? I don’t share often, and I don’t enjoy being pitied. I don’t want to feel like someone who needs saving. Your princess is in another castle, all that. I just wanted it written. I keep hitting dead ends and my pcp doesn’t know how to help me. I can’t get disability and I can’t work enough to support myself, so I don’t have much of s choice on whether I stay with my mum - and she can’t afford to pay for my car. And I can feel my body degrading, even if I don’t look at the hours I used to be capable of. I used to work nearly 40hrs a week closing s daycare, keeping up with kids and cleaning the place. Then 25, cleaning a clinic. Now I work 8 cleaning an office, and can’t afford gas to get there. I won’t lie, if I let myself think about it too long, it gets frightening.

I don’t know. I hate dwelling on things I can’t fix, and I loathe feeling sorry for myself. If I can’t make a joke about it, I don’t want to deal with it. But a part of me also doesn’t want what’s happening to me to be forgotten. A part of me wants a record. A part of me wants to be convinced that I’m not… insane? That I’m not faking it, somehow, that I’m actually in pain that I can’t feel anymore. That other people don’t feel this way all the time. That what people told me as a kid, dismissed, that it’s wrong. That they didn’t know I was feeling something bad.

I wish school had taught us practical things. Like how much pain the average non-ill person is every day (none). To this day I still pose questions about it to one of my friends who has an old shoulder injury but no widespread issues like this, just to check.

Ive rambled enough, I think. I’m gonna shower and sleep. Have a good timezone, if you decided to read all that for some reason.

#i am only asking you to not call me an inspiration #if you think you’d rather die than be me kindly be inspired to help fix the bullshit I have to go thru to get treated for anything #bumble rumbles

[glitchdollmemoria]

trauma + addiction vent under the cut because im sooo shyyyy lol

letting myself start to accept that maybe psychosis has been traumatic for me, both my most recent episode that i still sort of feel like im running away from, and growing up psychotic without any support system. like... yeah, it was probably traumatic to constantly feel unsafe and be convinced that i had no privacy from people who wanted me to hurt and to feel like i was the only person who knew that the world was fake. that combined with a lot of other things that i probably havent fully been letting myself think of as trauma, it makes sense id be smoking so much even though things are getting better. i dont think ill ever let go of my obsession with time though and maybe this all feeds into it. the past is heavy and time keeps passing and im learning to exist in the same time as everyone else but im not very good at it yet. i kind of keep wondering if i was right that the world is fake, and that maybe im still being observed but i just cant communicate with my observers anymore. a part of me misses them like some sort of stockholm syndrome type of shit. and im able to recognize that my worries stem from schizophrenia, and i have to accept that im going to be schizophrenic forever and will probably always experience at least SOME symptoms, staring and going quiet and worrying about something bigger than me watching me. i should probably throw myself into Torah study since i know that helps me stay evened out.

i just dont know how the hell im supposed to cope with the fact that things finally feel real. i look at people and theyre real. the trees are growing and theyre real. the mountains are real. insects are real. everything is real and breathing the same air as me. and its foreign to me. j dont think my brain knows hoe to handle reality, because i was never able to handle it on my own, and now that im recovering, theres no textbook for existing in reality. im in a reality that was never mine but im also always going to have a different reality from everyone else because my own psychotic reality of the past shaped who i am today. its scary. i think people assume recovery from psychosis means everything suddenly feels okay but its deeply unsettling, even if im glad to be doing better.

and im loved. i am a whole person who is loved by my friends. my friends love me as a very mentally ill person struggling to heal, and im grateful for that, but i think its just so strange to me. theyre real and im real and they love me and i love them. and my love is enough for them. i got told that a certain someone is more comfortable being affectionate with me than most other people. it knows so much about me already. it was there when i was maybe the most psychotic ive ever been in my life. its been there as ive been recovering from a trauma that it just barely missed out on being a part of. i mean something to it and it means something to me. and its real. theres a real person who loves me, platonically. im a real person who loves it. i dont know what to make of all this or what point im dancing around. im scared and traumatized and loved and i will never truly be in the exact same reality as him but at the same time, here i fucking am, loving and being loved. it doesnt make sense.

i think a large part of me wants to protect him and my other friends from the things ive experienced. ive been realizing more and more that like... yeah, no, all the trauma ive been through isnt "normal". ive been living a rough life and it made me rough and now i just want to protect these people that i see as so soft. maybe thats self centered though, maybe its just that people dont talk about these things and im underestimating my loved ones, but, im someone who basically doesnt have a family, has a thousand fucking comorbidities, has learned to cheat and manipulate to survive, has become so jaded by other people and the powers that be. the only reason i dont carry a knife is because i dont trust cops not to frame me for some shit. and i see myself as this tough guy guardian angel willing to sacrifice my own safety to protect the people i care about, i see myself as stronger than everyone else and more capable of taking a hit mentally or physically, because ive been through hell and survived so i feel like i can survive anything while i worry about how my friends would be able to handle the same things. i dont think i actually see myself as a person so much as a guard dog. i dont know if its healthy because i think i struggle to acknowledge my own trauma and hurt. i hate admitting it even on here. i want to just see the bright side of all my suffering and look at my victory and resilience and turn myself into a weapon to defend my loved ones. and then i turn around and smoke and then try to play off my smoking as something cool and sexy and not a big deal. and like, ill mention something thats just a fact of life for me - ill mention having no contact with my family, or growing up schizophrenic, or whatever else, and people seem sad for me and i get reminded that my experiences arent "normal" at all, and the things i consider facts of life arent things i should have had to go through, and other people cant always relate to. i really am some edgy rough-around-the-edges skeptic even if i still hold onto the days when i was a little goody two shoes with financial stability living in denial of my own trauma. but im still in denial of my own trauma. bit fucked innit

#venting #addiction cw #smoking cw

[pinkadork]

I keep being sad and then being upset thay im sad because i dont really have a right to be.

I hate how many times a nigga even says shit like that "i this" "i that"

Fucking missing relationships im not getting back and tryna establish new ones, figure out where shit even is rn.

Thought i knew where shit was going and now i barely know what fucking mood im in. Idk how i convinced myself anything before this shit caved in. Like the people that matter most are tryna be supportive and i appreciate it and all but its for like a second and then i immediately hate that everyones being nice to me. Everything feels fake. Things would feel like that occasionally, and now i just kinda feel like people only talk to me if they want something. Its crazy how the second we broke up my phone stopped really getting messages from people like that. Like no shit nigga. I keep feeling like ive overshared and then i stop but then i keep going. I can't even post online when i want without feeling annoying all the time. Hell i know i am. I hate how much shit im doing rn. How much i talk. I miss them so fucking much but i dont want to ever have them or anyone else for that matter feel like im against them to that fucking degree, because i didnt get my shit in check. I cant even fucking talk to them because i feel like all i ever did was use them as therapy. I didnt feel like this a month ago. And now i feel like thats all ive done since 2020. I want my emotions to shut the fuck up, i wanna shut the fuck up. I wish i did just shut the fuck up and i thinks its time i do now.

#i #guess #the #truth #is #hard #to #swallow

[ghoullguy]

(ED) so i was reading this one yoi fanfic and i have some complaints bc im a bitch like that

so in this fanfic, which im not gonna name bc god forbid the author sees this and shit starts, yuuri quit skating bc of an ed

now, i have an ed. ive had several actually, since i was 11. first it was bed, which led to ana, which i'd gone into recovery for by 16, after losing a shit ton of weight and muscle, which as a figure skater, affected my skating. i relied on muscle to power me through jumps, and once i lost all the weight and my muscle, it made it difficult for me. so, i recovered. then, at 17, i injured my hip and couldnt skate for a while. this completely ruined me. i was convinced that because i had to take off time to heal, i could never compete again. i was too old, and eventually, too fat to ever be anything in the skating world. i relapsed, and the past year and a half has been a constant cycle of starving, then binging and purging. eventually, it became full on bulimia. i had a month or so back in december where i ate normally and felt normally about it, but then it came back, starving instead of purging this time. needless to say, i am experienced with eating disorders and recovery from them.

this fanfiction portrays ana as a fear of food. that is absolute bullshit. talk to any anorexic, and you'll see that people w eds fucking LOVE food. its what drives us, its all we think about. its not the food itself we're "scared" of, its the weight and what that implies about us. for me, having done ballet and skating for my entire childhood, i felt pressure to be thin so i could deserve to be a skater and a danseur. if i wasnt thin, i felt like someone pretending to be those things. that, and i have to push myself to exhaustion to feel like i deserve to eat. it is NOT a fear of food. repeatedly throughout this fic, yuuri is shown being legitimately afraid of food, even crying while eating. that is the most cliche, unrealistic portrayal of eds, and it makes the fic much worse bc of it. its a little infuriating actually, bc it shows that whoever wrote this doesnt understand the experience of actual anorexics. and before you shit talk me, saying everyone has different experiences, i have several friends, both irl and online, who also have eds. none of us have ever acted like that. ever. go on any ed forum, and no one will say thats what having ana is like. its the way the media portrays eds, not the actual reality of having an ed.

then comes the recovery arc, though arc is a kind word for it. basically, phichit and yuuri have a talk, he eats three meals that same day, and the only struggles hes shown having is gaining three pounds. now, when you have an ed, three pounds feels like thirty. i can understand that part. however, yuuri just decides to recover, and never goes back on that decision, never is shown having anxiety abt recovering. he just... starts eating. that is absolutely NOT how recovery is. then, in a later scene, he and viktor are abt to have sex. despite his prior insecurity about gaining three lbs, he shows no hesitation in showing his body to viktor. then, the morning after, he (unprompted) starts talking abt wanting pancakes. do i even have to say that this is unrealistic??? does this author not realize that the first person someone w an ed worries abt after gaining weight is their partner??? especially asking for and talking abt such calorie dense food, anyone w an ed would be worried that their partner would see them as fat, or worse, assume they were faking their ed. so yuuri, who just entered recovery, just being fine w viktor seeing him with new weight, fine w him seeing him eat food that makes you fat is just so so so wrong. it feels like this author watched to the bone once and decided they knew everything abt eds.

so, in conclusion, if ur going to write a fic w eds as a prominent plot point/character feature, make it realistic. or, better yet, DONT FUCKING DO IT IF YOU DONT HAVE AN ED. DONT WRITE ABT AN ED YOU DONT HAVE. bc u will never understand the experience of living with it and through it. if you want to read my own fanfiction abt eds, my ao3 is linked in my bio and the work is for bungou stray dogs, its called None of Your Concern.

last but not least, if u feel the need to argue w me or be mean, the block button is a couple of clicks away. if you dont use it, i will <3

#yuri on ice fanfiction #fanfiction #tw ed #ghoull rants

[cleverblogurlhere]

it would feel so silly if it wasn't so frustrating and like. kinda life ruining lol. i spent years taking care of myself and everyone around me and now that i don't solely bear the responsibility of making sure me and four others can even keep a roof over our heads next month im like haha actually i can't do anything anymore. can't. can't keep my room clean. can't go grocery shopping. can't cook anymore. can't draw. can't write. can't do all the things i would do regularly when i was in. well. hell. now that im the only person i need to care for and the people around me treat me like a human it's like those tasks have all become ten million times harder and i don't get it i was doing so much before when everything was so much worse for me and now it's like i just have absolutely nothing to give not even to myself. the idea of taking out my drawing tablet is just so insurmountable. every word i try put down is the wrong one. what's the point in grabbing that shirt off the floor, im just gonna toss another one there tomorrow. how am i supposed to have something in the house to make and then make it and then eat it every day when rotting in bed and starving is just so, so much easier. ive lost so much weight. every time my belt gets a notch tighter i grimace with a sick sort of disgusted pride. im a bystander watching myself kill me and refusing to step in to help. i shouldn't need a babysitter, making sure im fed and getting enough sleep. i know how to take care of myself! ive fucking done this before!! for years!!! i just need to get these fucking worms out of my goddamn head. they're eating the competent, functioning parts of my brain and leaving just the inept, the incapable, the fucking stupid parts. the parts that refuse to ask for or accept help. the parts that leave me paralyzed by [???] i truly don't even know what. the parts that refuse any ounce of human connection because what if it burns me to the same degree it always has, it took me touching that hot pan for years to learn to take my hands off but even now that there is no flame or heat im still too timid to even sit in the same room as it. it leaves me with such a vast aching loneliness that i am the only person that can pull myself out of but i can't and won't because it's just so fucking hard when you've never had even a single person stick around for more than, like, literally three years. they always, always leave. you'll leave too. so i guess id rather pretend i am fine like this because fake it till you make it, right? maybe if i say im choosing this to get better i can convince myself of that. and it's definitely not just a new form of self harm, the intentionally isolating and refusing to let anyone in because god forbid they see how im actually doing. the horror of someone seeing me as anything but perfectly presentable when needed, perfectly put away-able when you're done. the idea that i might have needs or wants or desires. even i don't want to hear that shit. who the fuck would. maybe if i am quiet and good at keeping it behind closed doors people will stop leaving so soon. i am just so fucking frustrated with myself. i don't know what is so wrong with me that causes everyone to run, even my own family. i don't know why i watch myself self-sabotage every day and beg and plead with myself to stop! fucking doing that!! but i just won't for some reason!!! i don't know what's fucking wrong with me why can't i just act fucking normal!!!!!!!

#p

[disappearingana]

i actually cannot stand being so fugly anymore 💕

im so fucking fat im not pretty my style is atrocious there is nothing actually cute about me i should be dead i shouldn't even be alive i should kms and i should've overdosed last week theres no reason for me to be alive nobody actually cares my mom doesnt give a shit about me and my dad doesnt even know whats happening but my mom does istg she doesn't fucking care everyone in my family is homophobic so nobody in my family actually loves me im a living abomination to them i cant stop eating im not even smart my friends are so fake they actually hate me im convinced they just hang out with me because they feel bad if i didnt go to them and try and talk they wouldn't even talk to me like its insane i want to kms i should do it ive relapsed so much recently its not even fucking funny i thought you know mabye after going to the hospital my mom would care but obviously wanting to end my life isnt important enough to her i just want to be left alone to get bad and to be so fucking terrible and hate myself if i was skinny and smart imagine how amazing my fucking life would be but yk i can't stop eating and now whats even better is i get scared of eating i get so anxious its crazy and my brother is coming to visit and im going to look so fucking fat so im not eating at all this week shes gonna find out one way or another so might as well stop eating right now tmr i wont eat a single fucking calorie no matter how tempting it gets im not eating this week im still fat im back in the 180s so i need to end my life or get skinny carson just exists and im jealous of her i wish i could be her so fucking bad she is skinny and thats all i want to be if i could just be fucking skinny i would be happy with myself and she actually has a reason to hate herself im so fucking pathetic there is no reason for me to be alive i hate myself i hate being me i hate not being liked i hate not being pretty i hate my big nose and big lips i hate my big forehead i hate having no real friend and being alone i want to cry so bad im going to be perfect or end my life so im going to be perfect my room has to be perfect and so does everything else in my life

[hazexlperiment]

I hate living here i hate living here i HATE LIVING HERE I HATE THIS FAKE FRIEND I HATE THIS RELATIONSHIP I HATE RELYING ON THIS PERSON I HATE NOT FUCKING HAVING ANYONE TO TALK TO ABOUT FUCKING ANYTHING I HATE BEING SOMEONE WHOS JUST TOLERATED I HATE DECONSTRUCTING AND JUDGING MYSELF CONSTANTLY AND I HATE BEING BORED BY EVERY INTERACTION I HAVE AND THINKING EVERYTHING SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT ME I HATE WHAT IVE BECOME I HATE WHAT IVE BECOME

I CANT SEE MYSELF IN POSITIVE LIGHT ANYMORE I THINK IM ATROCIOUS AND DETESTABLE AND STUPID AND DEPRESSING AND NOT WORTH BEING AROUND AND I HATE HOW I DONT WANT TO SHOW THIS TO PEOPLE AND HOW ID RATHER ISOLATE THAN LET ANYO E KNOW BECAUSE I HATE PITY AND I DONT WANT ANYONE TIED TO MY SAD EXISTENCE AND I DONT WANT TO PUSH AWAY PEOPLE WHO I MIGHT LIKE TO KNOW OR BE AROUND AND I DONT WANT TO ATTRACT OTHER SAD PEOPLE

I HAVE SPENT SO MUCH ENERGY AND TIME AND THOUGHT AND EMOTION ON SOMEONE I HAVE NEVER ONCE FROM THE START ACTUALLY PLANNED TO BE FRIENDS WITH!!! I NEVER WANTED A FUTURE WITH THIS PERSON! I ONLY TRIED TO CONVINCE MYSELF THAT I DID BUT I FAILED TO TRICK MYSELF TIME AND TIME AGAIN!!! I CANT FUCKING DO IT!!!!!!!

EVERY SINGLE THING I DO FEELS LIKE COPING NOW!!! EVERY WANT EVERY DESIRE EVERY INTEREST!!! BEING MYSELF FEELS LIKE COPING!!!

I HATE THIS WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO JUST STOP??!?!?! HOW DO I GO BACK!? I WANT TO BE OKAY!! HOW DO I MAKE IT THROUGH ANY OF MY DAYS WITHOUT JUST SHUTTING THE ENTIRE WORLD OUT?!?!?@? FUCK FUCKF CUFKCUFKCICKFKFIFIFKDJCHFJSLJXHDJDD

I WISH I HAD A FRIEND I DIDNT HAVE TO WORK TO SMILE AROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WISH I DIDNT HAVE TO WORK TO SMILE AROUND EVERYONE I KNOW!!!!!!

[floatinginwords]

Saved by the Devil (17/?) - Thomas Shelby

Summary: Father and reader are reunited, Reader faces her past and future at once. (Im getting better kind of?) 

Pairing: Tommy Shelby x Fem!Reader (Romantic)

Warning: Unhealthy father and daughter relationship.

A/N: This chapter took oh so long but I’m glad that we get to see this relationship between Father and Daughter in this one. Also i named the father George so sorry if you know someone named George. Comments and feedback is always appreciated and as always have a good night and take care of yourselves. 

Italics = flashback

George (L/N), your father was a man that everyone feared. You knew this ever since you were a little girl. You saw the air he prided himself with, the way people parted like the red sea whenever he walked, the way no one would look him in his eye. You used to worship the ground he walked on. You would cry on to your mother why you couldn’t spend more time with the man, she would give you a look that you didn’t understand then. She was horrified when George did decide to take you for a tour of his ‘office.’ She could do nothing but watch you bounce happily away on your father hand. You still remember the day.

 “You can’t take her, not there.” Your mother cried to him

 “Shes gonna need to learn sooner or later.”

 “Then later!” She yelled.

 He ignores her cries as he drags you along. You had a big smile at finally getting time with your father. You didn’t understand why she was against this.

The walk was brisk, you even stopped for a treat. You ended up jumping from one place to another. Your father talking to people, shaking their hands. You noticed how they looked to him like a leader. So you asked.

 “Im a boss honey,” He answered, “You will be too one day. You’ll help me run all this.”

 “Really?” you said

 “You just gotta be tough. Can you do that?”

 You nodded pulling off your toughest face. The next place he leads you is some old train tracks that aren’t used anymore. A group of men stand around in a circle. All of them waiting for him.

 “You brought a kid to this?” One of them says.

 “You got a problem with that?” George says cocking his gun you didn’t realize he had.

 The man shakes his head no and pints where the rest of them gather, “They got him over there.”

Your father no longer holds your hand as he walks ahead of you. You follow slowly. You can see the man in the middle of the circle. Looking worn down and beaten. Your father stands ahead of him, he plays with gun in the air. He talks words you block out. You just watch the man as is eyes loosely follow your father. He cries uncontrollable begging for his life. You see his body fall before you hear the gun. You don’t cry, you don’t say a word. Your father pats you on the head and says you did good.

 Soon he took you everywhere and anywhere, spending more time with him less with your mother. You became a different person as you became used to the violence. You saw different side of your father more than once but he still treated you like a good. He wanted you prepared for anything and you just wanted to prove that you could be. So learning wasn’t an issue and neither was the perfection you set yourself up for. You became a mini version of him, you didn’t mind unlike your mother who was just horrified. She fought for you to stay in school when he would convince you to leave. She wanted to to date, have a normal job. But you wouldn’t listen to her. You father was your hero at the time you saw nothing wrong with anything that was happening.

 “Your tainting her. Its not good for her to be around this stuff.”

 You listen from atop of the stairs, now only seventeen.

 “Son or daughter, my child is gonna learn the business and learn it right!” He yelled

 “Then ill tell the police, everything I know. Ill take her away or- or”

 “Are you threatening me?”

 “I want my daughter back! You’re running her.”

 “She’s growing up, deal with it.” He turns away from her, gives her the side eye before walking out. You go to sleep, hoping for them to forgive and forget.

 You wake in the middle of night for a glass of water when you found your mother dead. You cry for the first time over a dead body. Holding your mothers hand close to her face, hoping for  a reaction. Your father walks in and pauses. You can see through your lashes that his hands were stained red. You don’t say anything. He brings  out two shovels and hands one to you. George tells you nothing more but to dig in the backyard.

 You don’t. He scolds you for not listening, for not working faster. He digs it himself. He doesn’t look you in the eye as you watch his bury dirt on top of your mother. You share a tea later in the night. You just watch the inside of your cup, the steam rising up. He drinks his greedily, eating cookies as if it’s a regular Sunday morning.

That’s when your relationship changed. You begun to bicker and challenge everything he said or did. You couldn’t understand why he would do that. Or how he even could. You didn’t know what you could do, so you held the emotions in for a long time. Growing distant with your father. He confronts you on your behavior and you no longer hokd your tounge with him.

 “You killed her. Why?”

 “You wouldn’t understand.”

 “I had to bury her, do you know what that was like?”

 “In this business you’ll have to bury a lot more like her.”

 “she had nothing to do with it.” You state.

 He looks at your small figure, your eyes welling up with tears. “Don’t cry.”

 “Why did you do it? Why did you kill my mother?” You press the issue your voice growing louder wanting , needingthe answer. Wanting all this to make sense.

 “Why does it matter? So you can tell the whole city?” He turns on you quick.

 “What if I did, does that scare you?”

 “Watch your mouth girl.”

 “Is that why you killed my mother? Cause she didn’t watch her mouth.” He gets up quickly punching a hole in the wall near your face. You stay still as tears fall from you eyes slowly.

 No longer were the two of you a pair. The father daughter duo was dead. He iced you of the business. Meeting happening without you, transactions with your knowledge. He treated you like a stranger he shared a house with. But every chance you got when you would see him. You questioned him, wanted him to feel bad. No answer at this point would satisfy you, you know that. But you hoped the guilt would eat at his soul for the rest of time. You were there to remind him. And he didn’t like that.

It was the day before you turned eighteen, when you were surprised with a knock on the door. The men claimed to be doctors as they grabbed you by the wrist, throwing you in their car, declaring you insane. You didn’t understand what was happening and that only made them laugh sealing their opinion on what state your mind was as you panicked. The doctors told you nothing but that your father had expressed concerns over your health. And that he was doing this for your own good. Being there made you feel insane but you tried your best to repeal the order to get out. But the doctors were well played off, some of the nurses being Georges goons, no one would let you out unless he said so. Until Tommy Shelby came in, of course you were finally free from that cage.

 So now you stand in front of this man, you had idolized and called father. A man who now is only a murderer, a thief, a low life, your enemy. You clench your jaw as he opens his arms to you. The wrinkles on Georges face crease as he smiles. He’s older in the face and hold a cane in his hand.

 “What? No hug?”

 “Fuck off.”

 “What a lovely choice of words. Im glad to see your okay. I meant to visit…” You glare at him, “but I’ve been busy. Its good to finally find you.”

 “You don’t have to play dumb. How long have you been following me. Ive noticed since a month ago.”

 “Hmm you’re slacking. Its been longer than that. You really think I would let my daughter be out and about, not knowing shes safe.”

 “I had hoped the rumors of your death were true. Guess I hoped too much.”

 “Ah yes your little hit on me. Didn’t go as planned did it.” He glances over at the smoke floating in the town miles from us, “Your work I assume.”

 “Did you do that to Trinity?”

 “It wasn’t anything personal. No need to throw a tantrum.”

 You huff and hold yourself back from stabbing right where he stood. “You had no right-“

 George interrupts you, “After the stunt you pulled. Asking Thomas Shelby to kill me in exchange you tell him a few locations. You know what he did when he found me. He shook my hand. The man helps me fake my death, im off to America. Can you guess where?”

 “New York.”

 “That’s right and its bigger and its booming, honey. And here you are sleeping with a man who lies to you, who is no different than me or the other men ive killed or hurt.”

 “Im not-not” You blush at the accusation your father throws to you. You had forgotten for a second how Tommy Shelby was involved in this. You remember asking him and never getting a clear answer. Especially when you were so unsure with what was going on, you should have pressed more. Not been so easy to trust him. You could have been more prepared for this, left the country sooner.

 “Listen, I’m just here to help you-“

 “By locking me up calling me crazy, or was it when you killed my mother, or had me followed or when you killed my friend.”

 “I understand your mad. But honey we are better as a team than not. Remember me and you fighting the world together.” He uses a funny light hearted voice. One that he would use only to manipulate you when you were younger.

 “What do you want from me?”

 He sighs, “I need a peace treaty. And the family’s got this son.-“

 You scoff, “Are you kidding me?”

 “its what best for our family. And honestly you have no choice in the matter. Ill drag you there myself if I have to.”

 “I’d like to see you try.” You pull put your knife and hold it out in attack position.

 “You’re gonna kill me, your old man,” He uses a mockingly sad voice before erupting into a mad laughter, “You might as well do it now cause you wouldn’t want me as your enemy.”

 “I think it might be too late for that.”  You press the knife against your own throat, pressing hard against your skin. You can feel a trickle of warm blood run down. Now George finally panics.

 “Hey, Hey! Don’t do that!” He yells.

 “Walk out of here and don’t turn back.  Now! “You command.

 Your father follows your orders because you knew it as well as he that in this game you were now an important chess piece. And he wouldn’t have no use with a dead bride.

 “I’ll be seeing you very soon.” He says as he walks further and further away. You watch until his figure is nothing more than a blur. That’s when you finally release the grip on your knife.

You sit down on the ground and quietly sob into your hands. You don’t know the time when you finally stop but its still night and still no train. You hear the sound of a lighter flicking on. You curse under your breath as you get up, ready to die tonight if it meant not being in your fathers plan.

 “You are really testing my patience tonight.” You say turning around. Only it wasn’t your father standing there.

 “Cigarette? You look like you could use one.” The deep voice says. And there you are, Face to face once again with Thomas Shelby.

#Tommy Shelby #tommy shelby x reader #tommy shelby x you #peaky blinder fanfic #fanfic

[simpsiren]

closer to you

lee jeno x reader

main masterlist

the sequel

description. you’re in a 2 year relationship with jaemin. the two of you know very well that you arent each other’s soulmates but you still felt that jaemin was the right one for you. that is until you are celebrating your 2 year anniversary with jaemin that memories of you being with someone else in your so called “past life” starts coming back to you, as if wanting to make you realise that your soulmate is still out there.

genre. soulmate au, strangers to lovers au, fluff and angst

warnings. none? except for the fact that reader becomes violent in their words when they’re stressed i guess

a/n. literally got this idea from the flashback tiktoks thats been appearing in my fyp. like ive seen it so many times that i just had to write about it HAHA alrighty thats all enjoyy :D

when the idea of soulmates was first represented to humans, humans deeply believed in it, and would follow the idea of it religiously to find the one that they are truly meant to be with. however, now in the modern day, the idea of soulmates is slowly disappearing. people still believe that the number engraved on the side of their right foot is the time and date that they’ll meet their soulmates, but people of this generation start ignoring that fact, marrying someone that isnt even their soulmate. it left their actual soulmate to either die alone, or having to force themselves to love and marry someone else other than their soulmate.

and now here you are, surrounded by your friends with jaemin sitting next to you, your boyfriend of two years who’s number on the side of his foot does not match yours.

“blow out the candles already!” you hear johnny screaming. you and jaemin turn to look at each other at the same time, giving a smile before blowing out the two candles on the red velvet cheesecake that signified your two year relationship with jaemin.

you laugh loudly as everyone claps for the two of you. jaemin quickly places a peck on your cheek, making everyone smile widely. “i love you.” jaemin whispers into your ear.

“i love you too.”

“do you really not care who your actually soulmate is? you know very well jaemin isnt yours.” you purse your lips into a thin line as you find jaehyun leaning against the doorframe of your bedroom.

“does it look like i care? who the hell even cares? ill be with who i wanna be! i aint gonna follow some ‘oh you’re destined to be with this guy’ type bullshit.” you giggle to yourself as you took a sip the whiskey in hand, despite already being in a very drunken state.

jaehyun walks over to you and snatches the glass away from you. you whine and beg for it back, but you know all too well that jaehyun is not going to give you what you want. you let out a huff in response.

“my god, evaline. how drunk can you be?” jaehyun takes a seat on the chair that faces your bed, in which you are currently rolling on and mumbling to yourself about god knows what.

jaehyun sighs as he looks at you. he’s been your friend for almost forever yet he still cant get over the fact that no matter how hard he tries to persuade you that jaemin isnt your soulmate, you give zero fucks about it.

“i really hope he comes in your dreams or something. if i can’t convince you, then why isnt the world doing anything about it?” jaehyun whispers to himself, resting his chin on his palm as his elbow is placed on the arm rest of the chair.

you wake up with a sharp pain in your head. you wince as you slowly tried to sit up straight. you rub your eyes and try looking around your room. everything is normal, except for the fact that jaehyun is sleeping on your chair. you shrug your shoulders as you let out a long sigh and stare at the door in front of you, spacing out for a little. after at least five minutes of you doing nothing and staring off into who knows what, you gather up your strength to stand up from your bed. you stagger your way over to jaehyun.

“jae, wake up already. make me something to sober up- ouch!”

your foot suddenly hurt, making you stumble back and fall onto the floor. you flinched in fear when you realise the number on your foot is glowing. you scream in pain as you feel as though something thin and sharp is constantly stabbing your foot. the spinning in your head only made it worse. jaehyun wakes up from all your screaming and drops down on the floor to assist you quickly.

“evaline? eva! what’s wrong? wait why’s it glowing..” jaehyun eyes travel from your scrunched up face to your leg, noticing the number that’s glowing.

suddenly, your vision became blurry. you lost sight of what’s happening around you. you dont see your room and jaehyun in front of you anymore. you struggled as you try to squint your eyes to get your vision to be clear. it took awhile for your vision to come back. and when it did, something wasnt right.

it was like you were having a flashback. a flashback to a time you were unfamiliar with. you didn’t remember experiencing it at all. but the flasback looked like memories that you feel a sudden strong connection with.

the flashback was vivid. you couldn’t tell exactly what was going on. you saw a guy, estimated to be around your age, who’s smiling widely till his eyes form a thin line and holding up a polaroid camera to your point of view. you heard him laugh as snaps a picture and the camera’s flash shined your view. you soon focused your vision again onto the guy. he’s waiting for the film to develop. and that’s all you saw. a small snippet of a far distant memory which you arent even sure if it happened.

after that, you snapped out of your odd trance. you feel jaehyun shaking your shoulders with the look of extreme concern on your face. you bring your hand up to your head and scratch it slowly as you tilt your head in awe. jaehyun stops his actions as looks at you wierdly.

“what the fuck did i just experience?” you mumble to yourself, trying to process what you just went through. you look up from the floor to see jaehyun blinking his eyes rapidly.

“you saw what?”

you were this close to slapping jaehyun in the face.

“how many times do i have to fucking repeat myself?! i got a flashback of a memory of some random dude that i dont even know about!”

jaehyun’s mouth remains open in shock and confusion. it took him a few seconds to process your words. and when it did, he places both his hands on the table.

“its a sign.” your forehead creases as you look at him weirdly.

“the fuck you just say?” you pick up your fork and stab it into your freshly cooked fried chicken meal.

“is this the first time you experience it?” jaehyun asks you as he takes a sip of water. you took a moment to think about it.

“yeah it is.” you breathe out. jaehyun only nodded his head. he starts thinking about what he wished for that night had something to do with what happened to you.

“you know what? forget it. i need to meet up with jaemin for our date. ill see you around.” you finish what’s left on your plate, waving to jaehyun before leaving the restaurant.

jaehyun watches your back as you slowly disappear into the distance. “it cant be... can it?” jaehyun shakes his head and continues eating.

“hey, babe. how was lunch with jaehyun?” jaemin wraps his arm around your waist as he leans down to peck your lips.

“it was good. let’s get ice cream.” you give off a wide smile and dragged jaemin to the famous ice cream shop that you were dying to try.

by the time you were halfway to finishing your ice cream, it was already 8pm. you’re weekly ice cream date with jaemin never fails to be extended as your chats with him grow longer and longer with every date.

as jaemin was talking, your mind goes back to the time you had that odd flashback. you wonder what it meant, or whats the significance of it. why did that suddenly happen to you? what can you do to make it go away? because for all you know, you have everything you need right here, in front of you. you had jaemin.

“eva? hello~?” jaemin waves his hand in front of you to snap you back into reality. you shake your head vigorously. “oh shit im sorry jaemin what did you say?” jaemin smiles softly as he repeats over what he say.

it was about 10pm and you decided it was finally time to go home. you would have taken the train alone but jaemin insisted on accompanying you home and going back by himself after. you and jaemin were walking down the street that will lead to your apartment when jaemin sudden opens his mouth to ask you something.

“did you ever believe about the soulmate thing?” you stop walking and turn your body to face jaemin. jaemin does the same, shoving his hands in his pockets.

you shrug your shoulder and placed your weight on one leg. “i used to, but i slowly started to think it was ridiculous and that i should be able to love who i want, not someone im destined to be with.” you reply, slowly reaching your hand out to run your hand through jaemin’s hair. he smiles at your touch and pulls you in with your other arm, hugging you gently.

“im glad to be the one that you love, despite the fact that im not who you’re destined to be with.” jaemin strokes your hair and digs his head into the crook of your neck. you rub his back slowly. “me too.” you kiss jaemin on the cheek and pull away, smiling softly. “come on, we’re almost at my apartment.” your hands trailed down to meet jaemin’s, interlocking your fingers with his and you both continued walking down the long street.

however, for the first time, it felt as though jaemin’s hand didn’t sit right with yours, like his hand didnt belong to fit in yours. you look down at the interlocking hands. you never felt this way before. why did it occur to you only now?

“something on your mind, eva?” you hear jaemin ask. you shot your gaze up from your jaemin’s hand to his eyes, shaking your head as you faked a smile.

weird

a week has passed since that weird encounter of yours. you couldn’t get it out of your head. every hour of the day you’ll spare a few minutes thinking about it. why did you feel so connected to it? you felt eager to know about what i meant. why did a few seconds of experiencing a distant memory would be etched into your mind as you constantly replay what you saw that time?

you found it funny how you were already so deep in your thoughts early in the morning. you lay in bed looking through your social medias for awhile before getting out of bed to head to the living room.

you see jaehyun sitting on the couch, immensely concentrated on whatever’s on the television screen. you take a seat beside jaehyun, looking down, you see him munching on a bowl of popcorn.

“popcorn for breakfast. really?” you raise an eyebrow as jaehyun nods his head and offers the bowl. you take it regardless of your comment and stuffed popcorn in your mouth.

“you didn’t shower yet?” jaehyun asks. you only shrug in reply. jaehyun looks at you with a disguested look.

“i bet you didn’t shower either, now did you?” jaehyun kept quiet as his eyes widened yet still glued onto the screem. you observed his reaction and scoff, rolling your eyes. “idiot.” jaehyun glances at you and chukles, reaching out to take a handful of popcorn.

“what are you even watching?”

“a movie that i didn’t finish last night.” that explains the popcorn then.

you focus your mind on the movie, despite not knowing what it’s about. everything seemed normal until you see a couple suddenly come on screen. they’re apparently at a amusement park.

almost instantly, you lost sight of your surroundings. oh no.. it’s happening again. you shut your eyes tightly as your vision became blurry once again. you opened your eyes widely to find yourself at an amusement park. a flashback is now occuring, this time it was different.

the flashback. it wasnt a memory you’re unfamiliar with. its jaemin. you see jaemin come into view. it looked like you were taken back to your third date where jaemin brought you to an amusement park. you see him running in front of you happily. jaemin was about to turn around, and you remembered that exactly after that he smiled at you. but he doesn’t. you realise that its not even jaemin.

the one you’re seeing now is the guy from your previous flashback. the polaroid guy. he smiled the exact same way he did when he took the picture of you in the flashback. the guy reaches out to take your hand and you’re being pulled towards him. why does it feel like you’ve seen him somewhere? or maybe you haven’t, but feel like you would some time in the future.

“eva? god, evaline! wake up please!” you hear jaehyun’s voice.

“did it happened agai-“

“it happened again.”

you look around. everything was back to normal. you look at jaehyun. but his eyes were fixated on your foot, he looks shocked. you slowly tilt your head down to look at the number on your right foot. it changed. the number.. reshuffled themselves?

“you’re seeing that too right..?”

you nod your head slowly. its getting more weird. the number on your foot said that you’ll meet your “soulmate” on february 12th, 2020 at 7:06pm. but now, it changed itself to become december 6th, 2020 at 2:19am.

basically it went from 12.02.2020 19:06 to 06.12.2020 02:19

“did i space out again?” you look up at jaehyun as he nod slowly, still looking at your foot in shock. you couldn’t blame him. what happen? did it somehow extended the time you’re about to meet your soulmate? why did it happen? what does it mean?

you told jaehyun what happen. and he almost fainted. you let out a long sigh.

“im telling you its a sign. probably the guy you’re seeing is your soulmate.” jaehyun says lazily and he muched on some strawberry pocky.

“then why was jaemin in the flashback too? isnt it weird?” jaehyun nods his head quickly. he puts down the pack of pocky on his lap and blinks a couple of times. you see the gears turning in his head as you assume that he’s trying to come up with an explanation.

“maybe jaemin’s tied to the guy? like maybe jaemin knows him. or the dude’s from your past life and somehow jaemin is representing the guy in your present life.” jaehyun looks down to see his pocky was stolen from you. you nod your head and you continuously stuffed each stick into your mouth and eating them. “urgh i dont fucking know what to do about this!” you groan in frustration. suddenly, something hits you.

“wait. what’s today’s date?”

jaehyun lifts his phone up to check. “30th november. why?” jaehyun asks. “oh wait.”

“you’re telling me i have a full week until i meet my so called soulmate that i dont even know where ill meet him?!”

you scoff in disbelief. jaehyun doesnt respond, only staring at your face like he’s seen a ghost.

“can i somehow break someone’s neck and slam it on the wall for like i dont know, 5 hours?!”

no reply from jaehyun once again.

“oh for fuck’s sake i cant do this! im heading to johnny’s tea shop for my depression tea. meet me there if you want, i’ll probably be there the whole day as my head constantly spins.”

you quickly got up from the couch and get ready. jaehyun sees you coming out of your room with a hoodie and plain wide legged jeans. you only grab your phone and keys and waved jaehyun goodbye before leaving the apartment. jaehyun sighs.

“i might have set her temper circuit short.” jaehyun whispers to himself and sighs, getting off the couch as well to head over to johnny’s tea shop. “literally could have drove her there but oh well.”

when you enter the shop, johnny face lit up with a huge smile. he runs over to hug you but his smile soon fades away and into a confused look when he sees how pissed you look.

“that’s very... interesting.” johnny comments. you sigh and nod, fiddling with the teaspoon in your drink. “yeah well its not going to be fun once jaemin knows.” johnny stops in his actions and looks up at you. your eyes glanced at johnny before tilting your head up from the drink that wrapped around your hands.

“yes i haven’t told jaemin. i didn’t think it meant anything at first but now...”

“you have to tell him! soon! its a sign!” johnny exclaims. you smacked your hand onto your forehead lightly. “i’ve heard that phrase countless of times by jaehyun and now you too? can you please explain?” you whine, scratching your head vigorously as you argrily take a sip of tea.

you were stressed, very stressed. life was going so well until this happened. you dont know who the mystery guy is. you dont know why he’s “memories” with you suddenly come back, especially when you’re in a really intimate relationship with jaemin. the same question keeps repeating in your head over and over each day and it gets more stressful when you try to think of an answer for them.

“no no listen. it happened to my relative. she was 3 months away from marrying her boyfriend who’s number doesnt match hers. and then she started getting weird flashbacks and she said that the number on her foot changed so that she wouldn’t miss a chance to meet her soulmate in the future instead of the past. and the so called memories? they’re memories that you’ll make with your soulmate once you meet them. the world is trying to make you realise that the guy in your flashbacks is your soulmate and not jaemin.”

you kept silent. so what jaehyun said was right. it was a sign to encourage you to find your real soulmate instead of settling for the one you arent meant to be with. you let out a sigh of relief as you finally know the background information to your whole situation.

“that’s a lot to take in.. how am i suppose to tell jaemin?” you frown as you look out the window. you love jaemin, very much. but to be honest, for the whole 2 years of your relationship with him, everything felt perfect, yet something was off. you never managed to pin point what, until now.

“oh i texted him just now when you were talking to me and he’s coming since he wants to see you.” great. you arent mentally prepared to tell jaemin yet and he’s going to arrive here in 15 minutes.

“evaline! johnny texted me saying you were here and i immediately rushed over.” jaemin comes up from behind and kisses your cheek. you purse your lips into a thin line and you look to johnny leaving his seat. he nods his head, in a way to give you confidence to tell jaemin about the whole ordeal.

“jaemin.. i have to tell you something.” when jaemin takes the seat where johnny sat, you reach your hand out to grab his, slowly soothing your thumb over his skin. “mhm yeah what?” you look up from his hand to his face.

“ive been getting um.. signs lately. flashbacks. jaehyun told me that the guy, who’s always the main subject of my flashbacks could be my soulmate. and i might be meeting him soon, on 6th december.” you whisper to him, biting your lip.

jaemin swallows his own saliva, blinking at you a few times as he tries to process what you said. he lets out a long sigh and painfully puts on a soft smile.

“i knew it was going to happen to one of us sooner. ive heard about the flashbacks. its bound to happen sooner or later.” you nod your head in response.

“im sorry, jaemin. i love you very much-“

“its fine. i understand. im glad the world made you realise that you’re soulmate is still wondering around somewhere, and that it isnt me. im happy i got to spend 2 years loving you.. it made me feel good.” you interlocked your fingers with his, smiling softly before letting go.

you could tell jaemin was hurt. like a knife was stabbed into his heart. you see it behind his smile, his eyes. you knew him all too well.

“we’ll still be friends. and i hope you’re soulmate will come to you.”

jaemin only nods. you lean in and give one last passionate kiss on the cheek before hearing the bell above the door ringing, and noticing that jaehyun has arrived.

december 3rd, 2020. you’re three days away to meeting your soulmate. where? you werent sure.

“good morning, evaline.” you hear jaehyun say. you just got out of bed and you were walking to the kitchen when you see what jaehyun was doing. he’s reading a book. your vision went blank.

its another flashback. you start to mentally prepare yourself as yoh want to absorb as much information as possible on your soulmate in the small portion of the memories.

“the book’s is interesting.” you’re hearing your soulmates voice. you try to figure out if you’ve heard it or not, but shake it out of your head when yoh remember your goal of gathering information. you registered the tone of his voice.

he’s sitting on a bed with round gold glasses on, in his pajamas.

your soulmate laughs. the same way he did the first time. he turns the book to you and it showed his phone betweem the pages of the book, resting there. “just joking!” you hear him say. you take a look at the wallpaper of your soulmate’s lockscreen. it was a picture of him kissing your cheek. it looked oddly the same as the picture you and jaemin once took together. however, there was a text above the picture. evaline heather and lee jeno

lee jeno. that’s the name of your soulmate.

december 5th, 2020. you’re starting to mentally prepare yourself. you dont know where you’re about to meet him. you tried coming up with all possibilities. to be frank, you were more excited about whether the places you thought of might be the place you meet your soulmate rather than being nervous.

the three flashbacks you had. it felt all too familiar. like you’ve known this lee jeno person forever. you feel the connection each time.

when the clock strikes 12am, your mind unknowingly decides to go to the park. the park where you and jaemin first met. you dont know why. it felt like your body was urging you to go there. you lazily got ready and headed out the door, of course you told jaehyun about your outing before leaving the apartment.

you had your hands shoved into your pockets with your hoodie on as you yawned. you breathed in the night air, admiring it dearly. when you reached the park, a quick glance at your phone told you that its 2am. you sigh and took a seat on the bench mindlessly after walking around the park.

you sat there for a few minutes, looking up into the sky and staring off into the distance. suddenly, you felt a presence next to you. you turn your head over to see a guy.

“you seemed pretty lonely so i brought ice cream-“

that voice.

“what’s your name?” you interrupt

the guy pauses and smiles. his face, his smile. its just like the one in your flashback.

“lee jeno. you?”

you didn’t reply. its him. he’s your soulmate, he’s here.

“why does it feel like ive known you for a very long time..?” you slowly started to ask as your eyes looked at him up and down.

jeno chuckles. “maybe..” you see jeno taking off his slipper on his right foot and lifting up his foot. you see the exact number that’s engraved on your foot.

“im your soulmate.”

#nct #nct 2020 #nct dream #nct u #nct x reader #lee jeno #nct lee jeno #nct jeno #jeno #jeno angst #jeno imagines #jeno scenarios #jeno x reader #lee jeno x reader #jeno x y/n #jeno x you #jeno fluff #jeno ff #nct ff #nct jeno x reader

[transdib]

i thnk im in a pretty..worrying situation with myself, where im noticing that ive pretty much gotten to a point where...im...afraid? anxious? about even existing or showing my existence? even more specifically, being proud of myself? like its gotten to the point where i was in an animation project and my artist name was in the credits and i got...? not even excited or proud...i just felt...ashamed and afraid and almost like....idk....just anything beside proud of myself, i guess scared of the exposure. i dont know when or why ive developed this complex...but im just so afraid of doing anything...posting anything...maybe its because of past friend stuff where my year level turned against me and made up this whole fake narrative that i was “narcissistic and needed to be taken down a peg about my art” because i was achieving high in my art grades (among many other rumours like i was fucking the teachers to achieve my grades and essentially got socially exiled and it became a whole drama that even the teachers got involved in...this was 6 years ago now but ive only just unpacked now how much it actually affected me)

and i think, genuinely, thats a big reason why this thought pattern started up. these thought patterns of “i cant be proud of myself bc im sure my friends are all talking behind my back thinking im up myself, my art issnt even that good and im clearly delusional, they feel sorry for me for not getting much attention on my art” but i guess these fears and anxieties have been with me for a long time

because. sigh.

ive wanted to do youtube for so so so long, ive watned to stream, do my etsy, do my animation/animatics, do all these things and let myself explore my art and creativity, but every single time i try to do it i just....fall flat. easily convinced myself its not wroth it, that people are going to receive it negatively, specifically my friends are gonna use my accomplishments as a reason to hate me. 

im so comfortable in being a learner, being small, being told what to do, being the “baby” at work who is still the least trained there, its easy for me to be complacent, agreaable, everything likeable. and it makes me scared that people only like me because im someone who will let them talk and agree with them. i feel myself ignoring my instincts time and time again, pushing it all down, and its gotten to the point where i dont actually think im in-tuned to my emotions at all. i used to think i was, and i ...WAS....but emotions equal danger, because standing up for myself is dangerous. because it causes danger. 

i dont have a backbone in how i want things to go or my opinions because i genuinely dont even think about how im feeling in the moment, i dont even think about what i want in a situation, because i just hear what the other person wants and i immediately go with that. and it leads to me just beign a passive onlooker in my own life, reinforces that anger that is bubbling deeper and stronger inside me.

and i dont know how to get out of this.

i feel my brain is broken beyond repair sometimes.

im tired of being so mentally ill and a victim of myself.

im tired of holding myself to such a high standard where i ignore my needs.

im just. sick of it.

#life of doge #negative - #idk what this is #maybe i'll write to tumblr more idk im just. not copng

[c0rpseductor]

if you reblog this i will blow your house up with a rocket launcher

im trying to find like i don’t know i just want to convince myself im normal and make all of it go away so ive been looking at like hateful jerks again and im looking at this tiktok account right now that’s like “btw did is iatrogenic did is fake it’s a culture-bound ‘disorder’ the ISSTD and all its research is inherently unreliable because some of its members suck” and just like

i don’t know what to do anymore lol because i can’t make it stop and i can’t just forget everything ive remembered and i keep trying but it Won’t go away and i don’t want any of this to be real and i can’t tolerate it being real but if it’s all just some fucking insane delusion and all my memories are fake then what the hell do i do? i keep losing time and forgetting things and having issues and flashbacks no matter how many times i tell myself everything is a lie and try to find reasons for why it mustn’t be true and no matter how many times other people tell me it’s all a lie. and it’s not like the reasons are GOOD reasons, it all makes such a horrific amount of sense and my friends are all convinced it happened and I’m sick, but i don’t want it to be true and i can’t take it being true anymore and living in the life i have. i can’t tolerate reality. if that’s real life i can’t live with it.

but then over and over again people say “your memories must be a lie, you can’t trust them, you aren’t really traumatized, those things never happened” and “this disorder isn’t real, a therapist must have implanted it in you, or else you’re doing it on purpose,” and i know that there’s evidence that these people are wrong and don’t understand, but they say it with such authority and are so convinced i just feel like i can’t trust anything, I can’t trust my memory or my feelings or my thoughts or myself or anyone around me and i’m just going insane and nobody will ever be able to help me because it’s just something wrong inside me that makes me believe these things that happened to me are true even when I don’t want to and people call me a liar.

no matter how much i get told i wasn’t abused it won’t fix me anymore and it used to be i’d just accept it easily and I wish I could just go back to that and forget and not believe anything because now no one will believe me and I can’t just erase it all like I used to be able to do and I can’t forget and it’s hopeless and pointless and there’s never going to be a way out and I’d be better off dead, because no one will ever believe me, they’ll say it’s false memories and hypnosis and social contagion and iatrogenesis and there’s nothing wrong with me and I can’t believe them anymore. there isn’t any hope because no matter what no one is going to believe any of this. it’s all a trick of the light.

[kpurereactions]

Love Shot

CHAPTER 3

Pairing: Exo x Reader

Rating: Drama, Angst, Smut, Fluff

WARNINGS: Language, Eventual Violence, Lots of Smut Later on

Chapter | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 |

It was hard to find something ball worthy. Balls really weren't in my resume in things im able to do, so I had no idea how to go about shopping for one. It seemed stupid, and it was stressing me out so much even Mino realized it. He tried to help, he really did but after the third store I could tell there was no use in having him there, so I had to just let him leave.

Once I found it, I knew it was right. All of the stress of finding the perfect dress really took a toll on me, and as I stared at the fleshy pink tulle gown I couldn't help but to wonder why it was I had become so obsessed with finding something that fit me perfectly. It was because of Baekhyun. And possibly Junmyeon too. That part scared me. Why I wanted to impress these two men made no sense to me. The feeling of my heart fluttering when Baekhyun was laughing, or when Junmyeon was smiling took over and I had to put the dress down.

The excitement of the ball took over everything that day. I knew I would be the only self readied person there, so I decided to take my time. Make sure there was no room for error. I couldn't help but stop and look at myself on my way out, the soft fairy lights in my now dim room catching the gold that scattered the soft pink material made me feel like a goddess.

I smiled to myself, running my hand over my stomach once before collecting enough of the skirt to make it easier to walk down the stairs. A large black car waited for me outside my apartment and to my surprise no one else was in it. A short balding man bowed deeply to me as he opened the door, his hands moving quickly to gather the rest of my dress into the car so it didnt catch in the door.

The drive was spent trying to calm my nerves. The closer I got the more sweaty my hands became and I couldnt do anything else but wipe them on the seats as we finally turned down the long drive way. Cars stacked closely behind each other as guests arrived one by one. The wait to exit didnt help my nerves as the closer I got the more beautiful women I saw exiting with their dates. It was intimidating.

I was surprised to see Beakhyun, Jongmyeon and five other men standing outside of their house when It was finally my turn to get out. I froze seeing Junmyeon walking closer to the car, eventually opening my door for me.

“You look… Beautiful, Y/n.” He said, taking my hand. I could tell he ment it by the look in his eyes. He seemed truly shocked, but given it was really the first time hes ever seen me not covered in paint I didnt let it get to my head.

He held onto my hand even after the car door had closed, leading me slowly to the other men who stood there, all looking at me. I let my eyes scan all of them. They were all handsome, all in different ways. My gaze ended with Jongin, the look in his eyes more genuine than they had been the past few times he had met me. I found this strange, but I didn't have time to think about why it was since Junmyeon took no time in introducing me to the boys.

I smiled as I shook each one of their hands, each boy just as polite as the one after until my hand once again fell into Jongin’s. In a swift motion he flipped my hand over and kissed it softly, the cocky, almost dangerous look flashing through his eyes quickly. Junmyeon cleared his throat.

“Okay, that's enough. Sehun here has a gift for you.” He said thankfully. You pulled your hand away from Jongin a little too roughly and turned your attention to the man Junmyeon referred to as the youngest of the seven.

Instead of saying anything Sehun approached you slowly, reaching into his coat to pull out a delicate gold mask embroidered with diamonds. My eyes went wide, it was the most beautiful thing ive ever seen. Before I could protest the jester Sehun had rounded me, placing the mask over my face and tying it softly. As soon as I felt his hands dropped I turned to see a soft smile on his stone face.

“Ready to have some fun?” Baekhyun said, making me turn around again.

Junmyeon’s hand was once again reaching for mine, and even though I knew a bit better this time, I didnt stop him from taking it and leading me back up to the porch. We walked through the house, Junmyeon leading me in front of all the other boys who flanked us closely. The house, which seamed to glow a brilliant gold rather than the white it did before, had people from all corners of the world scattered about. It was obvious, though, that the party was outside. Two men in tailcoats opened a set of wide, tall double doors for us to an extensive garden. There were lights hanging through all the trees, all leading to the same center where a large fountain was running, and just to the left was a set up floor where people were dancing.

“Y/n, Would you like a drink?” Junmyeon asked, his hand moving from mine to the bare skin of my back. He smiled warmly as I nodded, excusing himself before I could offer to go with him.

“Ill introduce myself again, My name is Jongdae.” My attention moved to him, and once again I smiled. “Baekhyun told me you were commissioned for your art. Thank you for taking the time.” He added, sweetly.

“It’s my pleasure. I really do love your home so im excited to be able to contribute.” I said.

Junmyeon returned to hand me a glass of wine, pointing out he remembered how I had been drinking white wine at our first meeting. The four of us had been talking intently while others wet off to do what they pleased. Jongdae and Baekhyun together had me laughing nonstop, the stories they started to tell of their pre pubescent years making it hard to even get a sip of my drink in. Junmyeon, on the other hand had finished him in attempted to hide the fact he was getting slightly embarrassed at the stories being told.

“How about he go dance. What do you say?” He said turning to me and pushing his empty glass into Baekhyun’s empty chest.

I smiled at the other boys as my hand for the third time was taken. I couldn't lose the smile that had grown as Junmyeon led me to the middle of the dancefloor. He pulled me in close before starting to lead our dance.

“Why are you still laughing?” He said in a fake hurt voice.

“It's just funny to see that millionaires are people too.” I teased, laughing as he spun me away before spinning me back in tightly.

“I have a feeling about you.” He said once I was back into his arms and we were back to swaying at an appropriate pace.

“And whats that feeling?” You asked, not quite sure you you were flirting or not.

“That were going to be come very fond of you. And you of us.” He said.

Before I could ask what he meant by that we were being summoned back by Baekhyun and Jongdae where they stood by the bar. Junmyeon once again took my hand, which now just felt natural. Baekhun handed you a new glass of wine before doing the same to Junmyeon. You stood there laughing, but this time the glasses of wine where going down a little faster than they had been before.

Junmyeon introduced you to people when he could, but thankfully were very self aware of just how much you were drinking. Eventually more of the guys started to make their way over to the four of us, Chanyeol being the first, and the flirtiest. I didn't mind though. I honestly was too drunk to care. The one conversation quickly turned into two conversations as Chanyeol and I started to get distracted, laughing and whispering lightly as you pointed at the people dancing.

Before I could get a grasp on things Chanyeol was pulling me towards the dance floor causing me to shove my glass back at Jongdae as I was pulled away quickly. We laughed the entire way we half jogged back to the dance floor, and once we got there our dance moves were so dramatic and goofy it was hard to keep a straight face we were maintaining. Chanyeol was so fun, and I think he knew he was since I couldn't control my laughter.

A tap on Chanyeol’s shoulder was the only thing that would have separated the two of us, and before I could really protest Jongin’s body was knowing being pressed to mine. I made Chanyeol laugh one more time by extending my arm out as if to say I would miss him before turning back and wrapping my arms around Jongin’s neck.

Dancing with Jongin was so different than dancing with Chanyeol. I had sobered up enough for my body to remember all of the concerns about him, but I was still drunk enough to not care. Or so I thought. The way he looked at me made my skin hot. He was taller than me even in my heels, so the way he looked down at me caused my heart to flutter. I decided to be bold. I could feel something might happen, so I wanted to make sure I wouldn't be making a mistake by someone who scared me.

I had so much to say, but the communication between my brain and my mouth seemed to be shut down as none of these things I wanted to say came out. Instead I was stuck there, unable to get myself out of his grasp and completely in a trance by his gaze. I couldn’t stop myself from letting my eyes wonder his face. His eyes were dark. Lustful as the warm feeling of his hand against my cold skin held me tighter. Nothing was being said, but our bodies were talking to one another. He noticed my eyes flicking from his to his lips causing his tongue to gently poke through before his teeth caught his lip.

I was convinced he could feel my heart as it was about to jump out of my chest from beating so hard. As we swayed his grip tightened, but not in a way that made me feel suffocated. I couldn't push the feeling of comfort out of my mind. As he held me tighter his head dipped so his lips hovered right by my ear. Goosebumps covered my skin as an eruption of static seemed to run down my neck.

“Lets sneak away.”

That was all he needed to say. I felt like I should protest. My sober mind was begging me too, but my legs followed all too willingly as his hand grasped mine and pulled me through the crowd. I was all but running by his side as we snuck into the darkness to find a side door that no one was hovering around. His hand held mine lightly as he led the way up the stairs, slowing down only enough to allow me to collect my skirt so I didn't trip on it.

The hallway we ended up in was dimly lit, but I didn't have a chance to take a good look around as I was desperately being pushed against a wall, my hands now both being held above my head. I accepted Jongin’s kiss willingly, his lips crashing against mine before his body held me in place against the wall. He didn't fight me when I pulled my wrists out of his hand as if he knew I was going to wrap them tightly around his neck. His kiss was rough, but smooth as his lips fought with mine. I couldn't help my hands from tangling themselves in his hair, at that moment, all I could think about was touching him and him touching me.

I squealed gently followed by a giggle that made him smirk as he stepped back and pulled me with him, his eyes growing dark as he backed me up and into what I assumed was his bedroom. As if my hands had a mind of their own I tugged at his coat until it fell off his shoulders, my hands not stopping until the buttons of his shirt were completely undone. I took a minute to admire is body, letting my fingers trail back up to his chest. He was very obedient, I noticed. My hands found their way under the material that still touched his shoulders and before I could push that down he was doing it for me, quickly connecting our lips again. I felt his hands making their way up my back, searching for the zipper to my dress. He found it with ease, giving it a soft tug and letting his hand take its time as it traced down my spine.

Easily my dress pooled at my feet, his hand now finding their way around my waist again to pull me in tightly. Once again he walked me backwards, out lips still moving at top speed as we both fought for breath. He laid me down gently, his hand not letting go of my body until I was secure on the bed and he was between my legs. I was surprised to feel the kissing slow, but not surprised when his lips left mine to kiss down my neck.

I watched him as his head lowered slowly on my body, his lips kissing every inch he made. The feeling of his teeth pulling at my panties caused my arm to cover my mouth. I didn’t realize just how turned on I had become. His eyes met mine as his hands finally made their way down from where they held my waist. They were dark, and full of lust. I couldnt help but to grow shy as he pulled my panties down. Sex was something ive had, but not often so the thought of being naked in front of someone was still new to me.

It was like he could sense that as he stood back over my body, his forearm flexing by the side of my head.

“Any time you say stop I will.” He said sternly, watching me closely as I nodded to show him I understood.

He paused for a second, watching me, but I quickly closed the gap by wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him back down to me. I didn't want him to stop, no matter how shy I got.

His hands once agains trailed down my side, his touch so light it tickled my body. My chest rose and fell heavily as I tried to catch my breath again, watching him as his head once again dipped down my body, his hands now moving back up and under me to unclasp my bra. I let my eyes close, wanted to feel him touching me and nothing else as he moved to position himself.  

He didn't hold back for one second, his tongue moving vigorously against my clit as two of his fingers slowly stretched me out. I couldn't help the heavy breaths and moans that escaped my lips as my hand gripped the bedsheet in desperate attempt to allow him to finish me off. It didn't take him long, though. The muscles in my stomach clenched as my body contorted quickly. His free hand moved to wrap around my thigh, holding me open as my thighs began to quiver furiously. I let out a loud breath, my head tilting backwards as my entire body seemed to release with pleasure.

My heart raced and my fingers ached as I released the bedsheet, my eyes slowly opening to see him grinning still between my legs. He let out a low chuckle after he kissed the inside of my thigh and my body shook once more due to how tender I had become. He slowly crawled back up and once again placed his lips right beside my ear.

I didn't even let him say what he probably wanted to say. I needed him more than I had before. I didn't care how tender I was, I needed him to finish what he had started. My fingers quickly fumbled with his belt as he attempted to kick off his shoes. I didn't care about anything in that moment, not even enough to finish undoing his pants. My arms wrapped back around his neck pulling him back in closely and kissing him harder than I had been before. Again his hands wrapped around my waist but this time to sit me up.

I could feel him undressing himself once I had followed his mouth into a kneeling position. I was fully ready to return the favor orally, but he had something else in mind once his pants hit the ground. Not once did I open my eyes as he sat next to me and pulled me onto his lap. I let a small smile through once I could feel just how hard he had become. I let my hips roll over him as if he didn't already know how wet he had made me, as if to tease him. I smiled again, this time wider, when his hand caught me from rocking again and lifted me up. I let him position me over his tip and then slowly push me down till he was all the way in me.

It was his turn to smile at the groan I seemed to get out through our kiss. He started to guide my hips back and forth, controlling my movements for me as we both began to pant. I realized in that moment how much I enjoyed letting him control me, so when his arm wrapped around my back and he stood, instructing my legs to wrap around him with his other hand so he could turn us and place me back on my back I couldn't stop myself from gripping at him tighter.

He didn't waste one second to start pumping quickly, his body pulling back from mine as he pushed my legs back towards my chest. I wanted to watch him work. To see the veins pop in his chest and arms as he watched himself pleasure me but the motions of his hips were too much for me to keep my eyes open. I let a loud moan as he maneuvered my knees so they were over his shoulders. He was able to get deeper because of this, not hitting a part of me I never knew existed. He noticed how much I liked that, and knowing he could do it better he quickly flipped me over so I now laid on my stomach. His hands pressed into my back, pushing me into the mattress even more as he pounded downward, hitting my G Spot with every motion.

He seemed to read my body better than I could, as I could feel him chuckle as my body started to tighten in preparation for my second orgasm.

“Hang on baby, i'm right behind you.” He whispered, bending over so his lips brushed against the back of my neck as he spoke.

I couldn't contain my moanings as the second orgasm erupted through my body. My hands clenching desperately to the bed sheets as his own moanings became more consistent. Every pump seemed to send another smaller orgasm through my body until he was quickly pulling out and the feeling of cum covered my back. His own body rested on mine, a mixture of sweat and cum making my skin flush with excitement as he peppered kisses over my shoulders.

Propping myself up onto my elbows I turned my head to accept one last kiss to my temple before he got up, instructing me to stay there while he disappeared into the bathroom. I let my head fall once again, exhaustion finally taking over my body. The feeling of a damp, warm towel cleaning off my skin caused my eyes to droop, and by the time Jongin was back to pull me under the covers I was already half asleep and there was no point in fighting his arms wrapping around me tightly.

Chapter 4

#exo #exo senarios #exo fic #exo smut #Junmyeon #Suho #Jongdae #Chen #Jongin #Kai #Baekyun #Kyungsoo #DO #Lay #Yixing #Chanyeol #Sehun #Minseok #Xuimin

[pyschopathnextdoor]

adaptation. the weeknd.

june twenty twenty. all led upto the twenty eighth; not because it's a xo song; but just because. i always loved staying indoors; but the thing was, i liked it alone. but in the last few months; the only time i felt not sorrounded was when i was on the roof playing or stargazing. adaptation; faith; the birds pt 2; i was never there; xo and the host; stargirl interlude; cornfield chase were the favourites of this time period.

humans, by nature are influential. they can influence other humans; and can get influenced too. but there's this thing; influence and manipulation are eerily similar. we can hardly distinguish. the worst part about influence for me is; i can easily be influenced; by myself. and as it turns out, it eventually is manipulation. over the past few years, ive done that several times; at times knowingly, at times not. and that's what i did.

nothing particular happened. no one acted any different than they had before. but i guess some things just don't need triggers. abel's music is emotional; at its core. and i always feel as if i fake my feelings; whether it be love or loyalty. which actually contradicted, because i felt that; so this this real? i don't know. when you don't understand a certain thing, it starts to gain power over you. it did over me too; until a point i wished i felt; felt everything, even pain; because it was humane. abel's music helped me imagine those emotions. the thrill; the rush; the bad decisions turned into pain. and that's why i started convincing myself i have to feel this. was i always this ? i don't know. will i always be this? i don't know either. but what i am now, at present; is something i don't know. i have contradicting feelings towards most of the things. like i can't think singularly now; like im not singular.

the classes were regular. and i was regularly being remembered im doing nothing. but i still didn't act. tests went by; i detereorated. i started loosing patience. i felt angry all the damn time. friends weren't any help as well. their problems would distract me for a while but i eventually did go back to my thoughts. i couldn't let myself believe anymore. i felt something inside me telling me to act in a way i was not sure i wanted to. everything felt out of place. it was the lowest i had felt in a while. the last ten days; it grew worse. i tried to involve myself in doing anything and everything; which can make me think of something else. the way quarantine started, i did nothing academically, but i was productive in a different way. i watched a ton of things; i read a lot of things. but i don't remember watching or reading anything in the whole month leaving a couple of books. days passed so much quicker, than the nights did.

eventually it came. it was a silent night. my sister slept over at my uncle's so i was alone in my room. as the night grew; my mind went blurry. i couldn't stop the voice now. around twelve i guess, i blocked most of my friends. instagram, snapchat, whatsapp, texts, calls; everything. the moment i finished, i stared at my screen. xo and the host was playing. the toxicity was undeniable. i wanted to be toxic. i wanted to hurt people; be the reckless fuckup. wanted to feel all the pain. the rush was unreal. days past; everyone tried contacting, one way or another; which didn't helped my case cause somehow everyone felt this was another one of my attention seeking stunt; not literally but the thought process. the thing is; however bad i think of myself, i always thought not everyone had that perception. but knowing others thought of me the way i did; even if the magnitude was low; cracked me up. every night felt desolating. i started feeling lonely; but missed them too. but i no longer had control. the way i thought of it; to let go, was that it's just part of the grand scheme; feel everything to feel nothing. the funny thing is i always felt like some voice persuaded me to do this. but on second thoughts; what if it's really me. who else can it be? when have i stayed anyways? been scared of commitment since i can remember. the constant fear of messing things up never leaves. the constant need to proove is tiring; even when no one asks. so why not fuck every person that ever cared about me up? stab them; it'll make me feel something? anything? the perception led to me believing i did this under the influence was just a hoax. but it's not like that. i am this. always have been. never not a bird; always a lonely star.

"when the sun comes up, you're searching for a love. so your heart won't lead you to anyone. when the sun goes down, i know what you've become. you've become awake; unlike the rest of us." "it's been a test to see how far a man can go without himself. i think i lost the only piece that held it all in place. now my madness is the only love i let myself embrace; i could've stayed, but i chose the life. i chose the life. then i realised; she might've been the one; i let it go, for a little fun."

//the fall;//

#the weeknd #the romantics #abel makkonen tesfaye #abelxo #abel tesfaye #abel #tesfaye #beauty behind the madness #afterhours #trilogy #xo #xoovo #xotwod #xotwodweeknd #house of ballons #Thursday #echoes of silence #love #misery #lust #adaptation #shameless #music #art #astory #story #anekdots #thefall #random #panda