#i don't even control this julian anymore

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

We have a full hcs about a smoll MC, now how about a full hcs about a toll MC who's even more toller than Muriel? :0

The Arcana HCs: When MC is taller than Muriel

~ @zedibleandedible how do you always come up with the cutest ideas??? thank you for sending this in, friend! - brainrot ~

Julian

Very, very attracted to this and doing his best to hide it (he's failing)

So used to being one of the tallest people around that most of his flirtatious moves depend on the focus of his attraction being shorter than he is

Which means he's completely lost on how to approach you

He can't make a path for you through the crowd, he can't hide you behind him, he can't catch you against his chest - hang on a sec

This can go both ways

Now he's employing the reverse of all his tactics

Holding onto your elbow while you make your way through the crowd, tripping and falling constantly so you can catch him against your chest, asking you to grab something or spot someone for him

He could get used to this

He has a whole new perspective shift when your relationship progresses to things like cuddling and kissing, because he has to rethink all the mechanics of it (he's used to bending down for a kiss, not standing on his tiptoes) but he finds he quite likes it

Asra

Has loved you for years and is well-versed in interacting with someone your height (they knew Muriel long before they knew you, and they've known you for nine years now)

Though your height proved to be a challenge when he needed to teach you how to be human again

You had to lean on their shoulders, instead of their elbow, and they accidentally led you into so many door frames, signposts, and shop front awnings

There were also issues inside the shop. As it had been yours for quite some time, you had stored quite a few things on some very tall shelves that Asra couldn't reach without magic. (Or a ladder)

And magic lessons could quickly get out of hand when whatever you were doing ended up out of his reach

"Master, I can't control the fire spell!"

"Bring it down towards me! - wait, not near that shelf! Faust is sleeping in those papers!"

Faust doesn't mind your height at all. She loves hitching joyrides on your shoulders and looking down at all the teeny tiny humans below her

Nadia

When she first visited your shop, and mentioned that you were not the same as you were in her dream, this is what she meant

The truth is that you did appear at your regular height in her dream, but at that point everything seemed so out of wack for her that she assumed you just appeared larger than life

But here you are in real life, and you are in fact very large

Finds your frame impressive and, depending on your preferred aesthetic, is determined to find all the best ways to dress it (you have great potential in capes)

Secretly not that fond of having to look up to talk to you. She's used to being the tall one, or at least the same height

Starts wearing heels

Knows the whole time that it won't make a huge difference, but loves the shift in perspective

Never accepts your offers to grab something she can't reach, but she will ask you to spot someone in a crowd for her. Sometimes. Maybe

You are Chandra's new favorite perch

Muriel

A little surprised when he first met you

Hates to admit it, but he's rarely had to look up to talk to someone and he generally keeps his head down anyways. His neck was so sore the first few weeks he spent interacting with you

Genuinely delighted that he doesn't have to be the tallest person in the room anymore

Somebody needs something they can't reach? They go to you instead. Need to spot someone in a crowd? They ask you instead. People want to stare at somebody tall? They look at you instead

You love being in Muriel's hut as well, because it's one of the few buildings in Vesuvia besides the Palace and your shop that have door frames and ceilings that you don't have to stoop under

Once, Muriel had to ask you to put a baby bird back in its nest (the branch was just out of reach for him) and he nearly died on the spot from how surreal and attractive the whole thing was

Learns to like leaning his head on your shoulder when you sit side by side

Inanna has few thoughts about it. Unless you can teach Muriel to stop slouching

Portia

WOAH

She has so many uses for you, you are now required to follow her everywhere she goes (she's only half-joking)

Loves to rub it in her brother's face that she's with someone taller than he is. Not because Julian is insecure about his height, just because it's funny to watch him have to look up for once

Regularly requests to sit on your shoulders while you walk around. If you indulge her, she will only ask more often

Had to make a lot of adjustments to her cottage. Everything from the pots and pans hanging precariously close to your shoulders, to the mirrors hung at your chest height - the whole thing was a maze

She does have a personal goal to pick you up as effortlessly as possible. And, if you allow it, to demonstrate that skill at every party she attends with you

Regularly has you pay "tall tax" by grabbing things she can't reach, but really it's an excuse to grab your arm when you hand it to her and haul you down for a kiss

Pepi tries every day to climb your clothing like it's a cat tree

Lucio

He became so generally disoriented while he was a ghost and then while you were in the realms that he didn't realize how tall you truly were until he got his body back

There was a flash of insecurity there, he's not going to lie

However, he quickly realizes that having you as his lover and best friend means that he gets to brag about you instead of comparing himself to you

And brag he does. Constantly

(If he upped the height of his own heeled boots, no he didn't)

Secretly loves to watch people go slack-jawed when they meet you and they have to get used to looking up that much to make eye contact with you. Yeah, that's his beloved they're looking at

Shamelessly asks you to do height-related favors for him, even when it actually is in his reach or he can see perfectly fine himself

Regularly gets you involved in teasing playing with Mercedes and Melchior

Because you can hold the treats up so high! And they look so funny when they have to jump!

#ask arcana brainrot #the arcana #the arcana headcanons #the arcana hc #asra the arcana #julian the arcana #nadia the arcana #muriel the arcana #portia the arcana #lucio the arcana #the arcana game #the arcana fluff #the arcana shitpost #asra alnazar #julian devorak #nadia satrinava #muriel of the kokhuri #portia devorak #lucio morgasson

[episodeoftv]

Prelims, Vote 8 of 8

The top 5 finales will move on to be included in the main bracket

Propaganda is under the cut, may include spoilers

Brooklyn Nine-Nine - 8.09 / 8.10 The Last Day

It just... season 8 had been so bad as a whole, it attempted to touch on the blm movement and did it in an okay at best way and in the wake of it all, i think a lot of people just weren't here for cop shows. The finale tried to bring the magic back with one last heist and it did pull out all the stops but I don't know, it just left me feeling really cold. And the ending being that even though the main character wasn't a cop anymore, that he would return to the station every year for the heist... it just never escapes the cop narrative even after he's left.

Chén Qíng Lìng/The Untamed - Episode 50

I nominate this final on grounds of CCP information control, censorship and homophobia. They were so scared of the power of wangxian that they ended up banning ao3 in china and in the show they have to inexplicably have them part ways just to hammer home the no-homo. Plus the show is just kind of objectively bad.... but it rewires your brain all the same

Community - 6.13 Emotional Consequences of Broadcast Television

ok i haven’t watched it in a while but it wasn’t the episode’s fault this show had been going downhill for a while. The finale put it out of its misery mostly.

Kyle XY - 3.10 Bringing Down the House

The writers knew they were getting canceled and chose to raise more questions than answers and set up cliffhangers, rather than have a satisfying end. I'm sure it was a last ditch effort to save the show, but it didn't work and now it's just a bad finale.

Northern Exposure - 6.22 Let's Dance / 6.23 Tranquility Base

No propaganda submitted

Ozark - 4.14 A Hard Way to Go

No propaganda submitted

Soul Eater - 1.51 The Word Is Bravery!

ugh god it just gave up on any attempt at character development or the ending of the story in any meaningful way. instead of a complex universe journey exploring her bond with soul, and death the kid becoming the new god of death, maka just...wins the day by 'being brave', extremely underwhelming and borderline nonsensical

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine - 7.25 / 7.26 What You Leave Behind

Man so okay like it’s not the worst worst one out there but man they really just fuckikg did that. Found family all went and spread themselves across the quadrant with the head of the show the leader, Captain Benjamin Sisko who really just wanted to live on Bajor, got turned into an incorporeal being who could no longer live a linear life while his wife and unborn child had to go on without him. They didn’t even have him saying goodbye to his actual son. His literal son did not get a goodbye, they only gave that to Kasidy, and no hate to Kasidy, she’s my girl, but she’s only been there for three year while his actual son Jake sisko was still basically a kid. He was like 19, 20 and no goodbye fork his dad he’s lost time and time again. Some characters got a satisfying ending but then Julian Bashir is left to stay on deep space nine supposedly still in love with Ezri Dax and together (but let’s be honest, it was a terrible forced decision. They made no sense, and had no chemistry) and still stuck without moving forward or changing. Like what a cop out. Not to mention the terrible cgi fire caves where literally gods got thrown into a fire pit and that was the big climax

#prelim #wfprelim #wfpoll #poll #polls #brooklyn nine nine #the untamed #chen qing ling #community #kyle xy #northern exposure #ozark #soul eater #star trek #star trek deep space nine #ok glad people are saying the untamed was good bc I only watched like ten minutes of it so idk but I really did think you guys liked it. #good to see I’m not fully in a bubble.

[roguetelepaths]

someone in a discord server I'm not in anymore asked me ages ago why I think that Changelings having been and continuing to be victims of persecution is important to the narrative. you don't have to believe that the Voice of the Link was telling the truth about pre-Dominion Changeling history, but it's my opinion that it makes a better story when you do.

image text is under the readmore

Resident Goo Today at 11:18 PM okay. you asked, here we feckin' go. I broke discord's character limit while writing this because apparently when you get me on this subject I do not stop

trauma takes center stage in the narratives of so many characters in DS9. the loss of his wife for Sisko, the occupation for Kira, Julian's augmentation and the essential death of his childhood self, Garak's childhood of abuse and brutal training in the Obsidian Order, everything Mora did to Odo, etc etc.

in the first episode, we are shown that trauma is a form of time distortion. it is Not Linear. when a person goes through that kind of pain, a part of them remains stuck in that moment, and they return to it again and again long after it's passed.

enter the Founders. we are told, from the beginning, that they have withdrawn from the universe and built the elaborate system of safeguards and deterrents we know as the Dominion for the explicit purpose of being left alone. the reason, we are told, is because they were once hunted, hated, and feared.

(I feel the need to state here that if they were colonizers for the sole purpose of being colonizers, we would see them taking a much more hands-on role in the extraction of resources and the direct control of their colonies' affairs, but they seem content to rule as distant, even mythic figures. they aren't leaders. they're a symbol. the power they actually have is the power granted to a symbol. honestly, they have no reason to be colonizers at all. they don't need land, they don't need food, they don't really need resources. trauma is the only conceivable reason for them to do what they've done.)

(I also feel the need to mention the way the Link works on a mechanical level. when a Changeling is in the Link, time does not pass. one can spend days or presumably longer in the Link and have no idea how long they've been in there. this is important.)

it is very rare for a Founder to leave the Link. there are probably many, many Founders who have not left since the Dominion was established. if you consider that the Link is inherently a form of psychological time fuckery, a large portion of the Link remembers the days in which Changelings were persecuted as if those days were, like, a week ago, tops. They literally Exist Here because they are biologically in a state in which time does not progress the way it does for solids. and this trauma is affecting everyone and everything around them because of the drastic lengths that they have gone to in order to protect themselves. they are inflicting equal amounts of trauma on the Vorta, on the Jem'Hadar, on their subjects, etc etc, because they are afraid and locked in a mentality where everything is a threat, because the only evidence they have found is evidence that says yes, everything is.

tl;dr it's about cycles of violence, it's about social wounds treated as social wars, it's about how to tell hypervigilance from reality in a world that actually does want you dead, it's about sympathizing with Bad Survivors, it's about choosing between the familiarity of fear and the danger of hope. and those themes are important to me

#ds9 #changelings

[animeomegas]

I saw the topic open for all fandoms and I HAD to drop this request by! Jealous Asra is simply beautiful! We all know that Asra is a temptress in his own right. The smirk! And the eyes! Lord help my soul, this magical omega has me on a chokehold and it shows!

Imagine Asra and the apprentice walking down to the market to get some bread, as usual, and this random omega comes by claiming to be their ex from before the plague or something. Of course, the Apprentice doesn't remember and doesn't really care BUT Asra does. He remembers. Maybe the ex wasn't the best or maybe they just weren't to right fit for Asra's mate in the end but regardless, the apprentice and the ex broke up a long time ago.

The ex might still have feelings or maybe they're a Gold digger, hearing about the apprentice's friendship with the most powerful people in the city. They're trying to get the apprentice to remember them, not knowing how dangerous it can be for the apprentice to remember anything. Asra simply cannot allow that danger nor can he allow this omega to rub up on his mate.

Asra trusts his mate, obviously, and knows that they have no feelings for this omega but that doesn't mean he doesn't get jealous and since he knows how whipped his alpha is for him, he uses it to show this omega just who's better (and to redirect his mate's attention to keep them alive). I love the concept because we all know how petty and mischievous Asra can be.

Especially if Asra says something along the lines of "sharing a heart" which make me feel like such a sap but the fact that Asra and his mate share half a heart shows just how loving Asra is. He literally gave up half of his own heart, not knowing if the apprentice would even love him when they came back to life. I love Asra so much. Hands down, best romance in the game. Sorry Julian, love you, but Asra will always have my heart.

Omg, this is such an amazing idea!! I have such a soft spot for Asra too. I keep imagining the time where he lost the MC and the lengths he went to bring them back

Okay here are my thoughts:

So, at first Asra is a little jealous but not too worried to run into your old ex like that.

He knows that his jealousy is irrational, so he ignores it.

At first.

But the second this ex finds out about the fact that you don't have memories anymore, they start trying to reminisce about romantic moments from your past with you.

Not only does Asra's jealousy spike much higher, he's also very aware of how dangerous it is for people to try and get you to remember things.

He gets angry at this ex of yours even though logically he knows that they don't understand the danger of what they're doing.

And Asra gets a little panicked, because he has to get you away from him, but he doesn't want to come across as jealous and controlling and have you get mad at him or something.

So he does something that he feel guilty about doing, but he does it anyway.

He pretends to leave you alone to chat to go and look at a nearby stall, where he deliberately steps awkwardly on a rock ad allows himself to fall to the floor with a yelp.

"Asra!"

Immediately, your attention is on him, and not this other omega.

"I-I'm okay, I'm okay," he sends you a fake brave smile and gingerly tries to stand, hissing in fake pain when he tries to put weight on that ankle.

He hates himself for being so manipulative, but he didn't have any other ideas.

"You're obviously not okay," you disagreed, taking his bag and throwing it over your shoulder before wrapping an arm around his waist to hold him steady.

"Sorry," you said to your ex. "It was nice talking to you but I need to get my mate home to look at his ankle."

"It's okay, I understand," they said easily. "I hope to see you around some other time."

"Come on, darling, I'll carry you home, okay, don't worry about anything."

Asra felt guilty, but that guilt was buried beneath how good it felt to have you dote and care on him above all else.

"Okay, alpha," he whispered into your neck, enjoying the way he could feel goosebumps rise where his lips were.

"Does your ankle hurt a lot?" you asked, starting the journey home with you in his arms.

"I'm alright," Asra said, nuzzling your neck. "Don't worry about me."

"I always worry about you," you said earnestly. "You're my everything."

"And you're mine," Asra said, nothing but truth in his words now. "Without you, I'm nothing."

#asra #the arcana #asra x reader #asra x mc #alpha's ex #omegaverse #a/b/o #hcs #headcanons #alpha!reader #reader insert

[samtheplatypus]

“I know how it feels to have you love me, you don't do it right now, but you will.”

The traveler smiled. It had become the custom of both of them to meet and be together, the only consistent thing in each other's lives. What other consistency could someone who had lived for so long on this earth and lost everyone with whom they had established a relationship, and someone who jumped thorough time against his will and without control to when, find?

Condemned with abilities they never desired.

“I guess I have no choice but to believe you, Julian.” The traveler's smile widened, before telling him all the people he had met and the things he had discovered, sometimes he just hoped that he wouldn't be killed in the future, or in the past.

“How long have you been alive?” a young traveler in front of him, he had no idea his torment had begun so young. “At this point, I don't know anymore” he would never understand why humans seemed so obsessed with immortality, he was sure that hell must felt similar, of course, he would never know. "How old are you?" “Seventeen” They saw the boy's red eyes, he knew that he was going to try to return to his time, just as they knew that he wouldn't make it. “Everything will be fine Julian.”

The traveler was smiling, tears covered his vision, but they knew he was smiling, he had no pulse, but he was smiling, his skin was cold, but he was smiling, and his last breath was what unleashed his tears. Did he manage to make him happy until the end, his end? He never thought that they would lose him, they would forget he was still mortal. Would it have been better not to witness his death and never know what would happen to him in the end, or to witness it head-on and know that at least he left with a smile? How would he look into his eyes the next time they met, knowing that his limp body was once in his arms?

Countless encounters, always in a different time, and having memories of things that the other had not yet experienced was the least complicated part of their situation, but they were always there, no matter what, they always waited for him, even if it took centuries for their reunion, and he always looked for them. "I found you! I finally found you!” A laugh escaped their lips as his feet lifted off the ground, hugging Julian before returning to it, they saw the sparkle in his eyes as they slid his hands over his shoulders and brought them to his face, bringing his lips to theirs, unable to hide the smile in them. “You'll be right.” “In what?” Their foreheads touched, and he saw all his love reflected in the other's eyes. “You will know how it feels to be loved by me.”

This might sound a bit weird, sorry about that, english is not my main language

#time traveler x inmortal #alternate universe #the arcana au #julian x apprentice #the arcane game #the arcana apprentice #the arcana julian #artists on tumblr #julian devorak

[walkingstackofbooks]

DS9 4x18 Hard Time thoughts (I’m re-watching, so beware spoilers for future episodes!) [11 July ‘23]

"Do you wish to add anything to the official record?" His scared shake of his head. Already my heart and we're not long in.

Kira's hard face. She's so gentle with him :3

"I used to dream about this. Being on in runabout, coming through the wormhole, seeing the station again." The time loss thing is so jilting, I love how they've managed to make it weird for us, echoing just a little bit of O'Brien's feelings.

Kira's obviously so uncomfortable with the dream versus reality situation, and Miles' experiences.

He's walking so stiffly, you can tell he still feels as though he's aged 20 years in his body...

"Julian. Is it really you?" "It's me." This meeting is so short but still my heart 💔Julian can't take his eyes off Miles.

"I can't imagine what it would have been like. Twenty years in that cell." At least Julian's talking like it was real, unlike Kira's 'it wasn't real' vibe.

"I was alone." Cut to flashback of not being alone. I'm looking forward to seeing this with the knowledge of what has happened in the prison.

*Miles' hesitancy over ordering something from the replicator? "Computer? A piece of chee'lesh fruit, please." What different ways are there of saying "oh my heart" because I think I'll be needing some....

"Miles? Oh, Miles." Keiko is so fantastic, and oh, their reunion is so understated but so good.

I'm so jealous of the recycling capabilities of replicators.

"I've been alone for so long." He didn't even need to mention of he'd been alone or not, he's really keeping up the pretence, making sure his barriers are high. Or maybe trying to make himself believe it.

"How do you do that? Laugh?" It's so weird. Ee'char is so nice and then you remember he was completely created just to break Miles. I keep thinking "it was a good thing Ee'char was thing was there for Miles" and then having to fight to go "no, actually, Ee'char wasn't real."

"Do I need one seventeen, or two?" "I am not sure." It's sweet that Worf is trying, despite his dislike of games.

There's something so heart-hitting about Jake reteaching Miles the engineering stuff. It's lovely that Jake has learnt enough from Miles for it to go the other way.

"I don't want to be embarrassed in front of the repair crews." But it says a lot that he's not in front of Jake, despite Jake being less of an expert.

"You may be a little rusty, but you're still the Chief." "Oh, well if I'm still the Chief, I say we go through it again." That's the old Miles shining through there!

I'm sorry HOW does Julian walk down a ladder?! Facing forward like their stairs?! Seriously, go watch this clip!

"I just want to forget about what happened on Argratha and get on with my life." -just like that, hey? I'm sorry Miles, it doesn't work like that.

"Tell me about Keiko again." Is that subtle Argrathi torture or Ee'char niceness?

Ee'char calls him Miles - does anyone on the station call him Miles usually at this point? (To check when spreadsheet updates!)

I feel like losing control and hurting Quark isn't going to help with the guilt he's feeling about losing control and killing Ee'char. Miles, you can tell your spiralling, I know you're scared but please get help!

"Please, Captain. I'm asking you as a personal favour to me, give me one more chance." "I wish I could. But right now, in the judgement of this station's Chief Medical Officer, you're unfit for duty." Oof, throwing Bashir under the bus. (I definitely headcanon Julian's prepared to take on all of Miles' anger so he can still get support from the others.)

"You should listen to him, Miles. He cares about you just like I did. Don't make the same mistake with him you did with me." OUCH. HallucEe'char! That's basically implying Miles might kill Julian!

"Don't you get it. You're not my friend. Not anymore. The O'Brien that was your friend died in that cell." "He's not dead. He just needs a little help, that's all." Oh Julian, still trying and trying and trying.

"He wants to help you." "Like you did?" "That's right. We're both your friends." "Yeah. And look what happened to you." I don't think hallucEe'char is the best at getting through to Miles. Which makes sense since he kind of is Miles? But yeah it's so clear here Miles feels like he has to distance himself because he's worried about what he might do to Julian, he knows what he's capable of if he loses control.

"I didn't mean to. I'm sorry." He's just scared of himself - and I'm guessing also what the counsellor or anyone else might find out about him or think of him, he was desperate to keep this horrible side of himself to himself. That's why he can't seek help, and he's just trying to brute force his brain into working.

"Chief?" Oh, Julian is so tense, you can see it in his entire body.

The thing is, Ee'char is making it easy for O'Brien to stay angry at him, he's not offering the explanation that would make things better *because* the simulation wants Miles to kill him.

"But when it came down to it, when I had the chance to show that no matter what anyone did to me, I was still an evolved human being, I failed." Those are some damn high expectations there Miles! No matter what anyone did to you?! It was a set-up, and you can't expect to come out of twenty years of torture unchanged!

WHY DID MILES NOT GET A HUG

"It's a treatment, not a cure." I'm glad they had Julian say this. It did feel a bit like "he's some medicine take it and you'll be fine" at the beginning of this scene.

Miles' smile at Molly's excited "Daddy's home! Daddy's home!"

Idk, but the fact he suddenly seems so much better between the cargo bay scene and the corridor makes me think he must have spent at least a night or two in the infirmary with Julian, which would also make sense why him coming home would be such a big thing for Molly.

Man, this episode does not pull it's punches. And that's why it's such an incredible episode. 💔💔💔

#DS9 4x18 #DS9 Hard Time #andi watches DS9 #Miles O'Brien must suffer #WSB

[lorenzobane]

Let's talk about Ezri Dax. I feel like she generally has one of the most underappreciated and under-discussed character arcs and traits in DS9.

I think one of Ezri's is interesting because she is very tough, very smart, and in a very different way from Jadzia. It isn't immediately obvious, because we meet her and she's young and she's being bullied by Garak but let's look a little closer (though she's even tough and impressive in that episode- she deals with being roasted by a completely dramatic lizard and gets back up and dusts herself off and keeps moving).

Prodigal Daughter is one of my favorite of her episodes because it tells us so much. Sure, she seemed sweet and soft-spoken, and maybe like a bit of a mess when we see her on DS9, but once we get her context- she's the daughter of a demanding mother on a non-federation planet that opposes Trill Joining- her toughness becomes a lot more apparent. Both of her brothers more or less folded to their mother's wishes, but she said "No" and left and STOOD BY THAT. She doesn't let herself get pushed around by her family, even though she loves them. She is entirely her own person; even as a joined trill, Ezri is distinct.

Another great moment for this is when she's speaking to Worf about the Klingons and completely shocks him by having completely different political opinions from Worf. Again, in a moment where maybe a meek character would have just shut up, she explains calmly that she disagrees with him. And for such specific, politically engaged reasons! It also sets her up as separate from Jadzia, who was so blinded by Curzon that she never seemed to develop any distinct opinions or traits separate from him. Ezri, despite not being prepared for it (or maybe because of it), seems to have a much more singular and individual mindset. She isn't Jadzia, and you can tell by her dealings with her family and her political opinions. Ezri Tigan Dax is a person in the health care field, a person who left a controlling, dynastic family, and a person who likes hiking.

Or even her interactions with Joran (the serial killer in her head) that Jadzia is basically locked away- we see through her interactions here that she has a type of mental fortitude that means that she can deal with the fact that Joran isn't locked away anymore. She knows who she is, she's aware of how to control herself, and she doesn't let herself get pushed around by anyone. Not even the serial killer inside her head.

Also, I know people don't like it- but I find her interactions with Julian fascinating because they are much more similar and theoretically compatible than he and Jadzia were. She notices and cares about his interests (reading); they're both quietly strong (a similar type of person who SEEMS like they'd break but then never actually does), and they're both awkward. Romance aside, their interactions are different from the relationship he had with Jadzia, and that is a testament to the unique perspective and dynamic she creates through being a person who is and isn't bound to tradition, is and isn't a normal Trill.

Anyway- I love Ezri, and I wish people would give her attention because she's SO SO SO interesting, and I have like 100 other things I could say about her at any given moment. She's my girl.

#ezri dax #st: ds9 #she's SO INTERESTING #how can you not be obsessed with her #truly don't get that at all #sadly i think people ignore so much of what she says and does bc they didn't like her romances #which is fair #but if you take her separate from them #and if you look at the dynamics she actually has with worf and julian #you'd see it reveals a really fucking cool lady

[saw2goth]

I wanna hear a yap, but i haven't read the book yet :(

How about some character headcannons then?

It doesn't have to be about A Christmas Carol! >0< Most of my content is AU content anyway lawl. Here are some headcanons but bear in mind they have little to nothing to do with the original book at this point:

Scrooge: Trans man! Felt this one in my soul <3 Autistic (he stims in the book, too), uses isolation as a coping mechanism because he was neglected as a child, takes comfort in being alone pre-redemption because it means he won't get hurt or experience loss anymore. I like to think he ended up the way he did because he wanted to regain some control over his life and he didn't feel like he owed the world anything after having his loved ones taken away. Post-redemption Scrooge ends up developing a fear of being alone because he doesn't want to lose the company he has after learning to appreciate it. Scrooge was given the ability to see chains on other people and ghosts, he spends a lot of his time trying to help these people better themselves/get rid of their chains in order to make the world around him a kinder place. He's still dating Marley even though he's a ghost but their relationship is much different now. Imagine your ex shows up after being dead for 7 years and wants you to continue like nothing has even changed.

Marley: Genderqueer (I'm not even sure he knows what's going on with that), also autistic. We don't learn much about him in the book aside from the fact that he was Scrooge's business partner so I just went crazy with it. Saved up lots of money in order to move his mother into a nice home and take care of her so she can have rest, she died before he has a chance to which is why he refuses to dip into his fortune (he doesnt believe he deserves the money or that it even truly belongs to him). He's very attached to Scrooge, Scrooge is all he has. This persists even in death and he hardly ever leaves his side. He's very protective of Scrooge in our redemption AU and is distrusting of anyone who he believes might be trying to come between them. A lot of his reasons for trying to keep Scrooge so close to him are selfish which is why they can't get rid of his chains just yet. He can just barely touch physical items but sometimes it takes him a while. He spent a lot of his afterlife watching over Scrooge instead of teaching himself how to interact with the world around him in his new form so it can be a struggle for him. Imagine Julian from ghosts type powers, he can move objects but it might take him 30 minutes.

Wolfe MacFarlane: Listen I know he's not a christmas carol character but he's part of the polycule now listen to me-

Some of these headcanons are ones that are specific to...the general Wolfe MacFarlane for the redemption AU and then others are just specific to my interp of him only.

Closeted gay man. Cis. Has scars on his chest from a workplace accident. Grew up in a well-off household, his father was also a surgeon and pretty much hammered this future into his son. He was constantly made to feel inferior and had to prove himself and his worth to his father. He gets so attached to Mr K as a student because he's the only older man in his life who ever offered him praise for doing a good job :/ and then it went to his head. He also did kill a guy. Was childhood friends with Scrooge, who tries to help him turn his life around when they're reunited in their adulthood (he has soo many chains it's a lot of work). Has a sort of rivalry going on with Marley because Marls doesn't trust him around Scrooge and Wolfe knows that and is secretly hurt that he doesn't believe he can change (this attitude further fuels his insecurities he has about being unfixable).

UMMMM. That's all I can think of right now but thanks for letting me info-dump about them <3

#eddie answers #tbs redemption au

[give-soup-please]

The "Changing of the Guard"

So this is a concept I've had difficulty explaining to others, and I'm going to try and explain it.

As someone who uses fictional characters to cope, I invented a system many years back that I still use now, even though my living situation is a lot better.

Essentially, I created a space within my head for all of these characters to live. I described this place briefly in my fic, 'what is this, a crossover fic?' But that's not the focus for this post.

So as these characters are accepted into my head, they have a focus of making sure I stay alive, no matter what. I craft their personalities so that they are *slightly* different from canon, and round out their rough edges if they have any. And I carry them with me.

This mechanic was something I designed where I would put focus into one character at a time, receiving serotonin and coming up with creative ideas involving them. The other characters I've had in the past would still be there, but generally I focused on one comfort character at a time. The thing is, this idea grew quickly in complexity as I retreated into my head while living at my parents place. I don't use this creation I built as a child often anymore, but it is something to fall back on when I'm stressed, anxious, or depressed.

Eventually it developed into a series of rulesets where they would act friendly towards each other, and recognize that the time they were spending with me wasn't permanent. And that when the time came, the main character I was focusing on would be switched out for the next one. All of them recognized that keeping me alive was their priority, and if one character was better suited to looking after me, there were no hard feelings involved. And all of them recognized that in an emergency, I might call upon one of them to help, and that was an okay thing to do.

It's not dissociative, these characters didn't take over my brain. I was always aware of myself, and 100% in control of them. It was maladaptive daydreaming, I think.

But then this other concept developed, the 'Changing of the Guard.' The ritual by which one character would be replaced by another to act as the main support. If I trace my past, I can see when one character shifted to the other.

Papyrus from UT was the first, then Cecil from WTNV, then Aziraphale from GO, Julian from DS9 appeared somewhere between those four, you see what I'm saying.

So for a long time, the narrator was acting as guard, to keep me from doing stupid things, and acting as a voice of reason when stressed. Now, he's no longer in that position. Believe it or not, it's transferred back over to Aziraphale now. There's nothing to note here specifically. In a time of need, I may call upon the narrator again. I can do that, they're all focused on keeping me alive, that's the whole goal. All this to say, I forgot that the concept of 'changing of the guard' is not common among everyone. And I brought up the concept to a few people and got a whole bunch of '??????' in response.

Essentially, the fictional characters I love most take turns holding the line so that I don't make permanent mistakes.

And this is a thing that not everyone does.

#personal #soup rambles

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

NOW LET'S TURN THE TABLES AROUND! How about MC comforting M6 from panic attack/flashback??

The Arcana HCs: How the M6 get panic attacks and how MC comforts them

~ when I posted the other one I had several asks for the reverse. sorry the writer's block made this take so long, enjoy your pain my dudes - brainrot ~

Part 1:

CW for panic attacks, flashbacks, references to familial abuse and addiction recovery

Julian

His panic attacks mostly come from his time in the dungeons below the palace

One of the really beautiful things about him is his commitment to doing good and helping others whenever he can

So once you've started your new life together and settled in, you can bet he'll still be doctoring people wherever you end up

The problem is that he hates seeing people in pain

Which is generally what people are experiencing when they go to a doctor

Most of the time it's fine. He's been doing this for years, he knows how to stay detached from what he has to do while remaining calm and empathetic with his patient

But sometimes, someone comes in with symptoms similar to the Plague

Or worse, they come in with injuries similar to what he saw Valdemar inflict in their research

You'll know as soon as they show up that they will receive the best care he can give them. As long as they are in his clinic, he'll be in peak form looking after them

And once they've been treated and recovered and he's come home, he'll disappear while your back is turned and you'll find him curled up in a ball under the stairs, gloves off and clenched in his fist, trembling like a leaf in the wind

He doesn't cry very much, but you can see his face get even paler and his breath will be shallow

The first thing you want to do is help him get his breathing under control, because if he starts to feel a lack of oxygen for too long it'll trigger a flashback to the time he was hanged, and that makes it much, much worse

It's one thing to be desensitized to other people dying, it's quite another to remember the explicit details of choking to death for a crime you didn't commit, knowing that your friends, loved one, and little sister are all watching with no guarantee of coming back

You'll put his hand on your chest so he can feel you breathe and talk him through as many breathing exercises as you need to

He chatters when he's nervous because he tends to have a racket of thoughts in his head, so if you can get him talking it'll help

When he talks about what's bothering him it means he's not the only person thinking about it anymore, which helps him stop feeling overwhelmed

Once it's over he'll be unusually quiet. He just needs someone to take the weight of the world off of his shoulders, and the best way to do that is to wipe his face with a cool towel, draw him a bath, feed him dinner, and hold him close when it's time to sleep

You don't have to wait until later for him to thank you, he'll be whispering it constantly every time you touch him or make eye contact

He is going to be so sweet to you your teeth will rot

Asra

They're not the clingy type - at all - but their biggest fear is losing the people they love

It was bad enough in the past to make him put other people's well being on the line when he lost you

On one hand, their ordeal with you and freeing their parents forced them to confront their flaws and they have much healthier coping skills in place now

On the other hand, he has more to lose than he ever has before

Which is when they started having panic attacks

All it took was you being out on a quick early errand when they woke up one morning and couldn't find or sense you anywhere

First there was the thought that you were gone. Then his mind started sprinting ahead of him, how gone were you? Were you coming back?

They could ask their parents - unless they were gone too? Nadia would know where they went - what if she left as well? Muriel wouldn't leave, there's always a place for Asra in the hut - unless he got sick of Vesuvia and disappeared too

He can feel his heart rate picking up, blood rushing in his ears, at some point he grabbed a bag to pack and go find you, but this is the pouch where Faust likes to nap and - where's Faust?

They can't see Faust, and they can't think right now, they can't clear their mind to call anyone, their magic isn't responding when they try to summon it, where is Faust? And where are you?

You can tell something's wrong as soon as you get back. Contrary to Asra's perception, his magic is shaking as much as he is, and so is every jar on your shelves

The first thing you do when you see them is gently take their hands from their bag and put them around you

He freezes when he's overwhelmed like this and it's hard for him to sense things, so the best way to pull him out of it is to help him feel that you are still there with him

You'll pull them somewhere comfortable and soothing and wrap your arms around them, put their head where they can hear your heartbeat, run your fingers through their hair and along their back

You'll also be sure to put Faust where she can curl around his arm and squeeze as tightly as she needs to

Once it hits them that you're there, they'll be sobbing with relief

He'll be clutching the back of your shirt, tracing your face with his fingertips, tangling your legs with his so there's no way you can leave without him knowing

Once it's over they'll just want to go back to sleep. They'll wait until you're free to join them though, they are not doing that alone

When he wakes up he'll have a list of people to visit and an invitation for you to join him. He's learned the importance of connection and he wants you at the center of all of his

Nadia

She gets panic attacks about being stuck in her dreams again

It doesn't happen often, much of her recent growth has been overcoming her self-doubt and learning to trust and appreciate her intuition again

But maybe she spent several late nights in a row fretting over a fix Vesuvia problem

Maybe there were a few nobles refusing to give her access to certain supplies or stores

Maybe it's making her begin to question herself again

And maybe she finally gets so exhausted that she sleeps in far later than she planned to the next morning

And maybe the whole time she's asleep it's just a series of stress dreams of not being taken seriously and being unable to move forward with what she needs to do

It begins slowly for her. First her eyes are opening and she's registering how late it is. Then she sees you're not next to her, your day has already started. Without anyone there to ask she has no idea how long she's been asleep -

But how long has she been asleep? The normal hustle and bustle of the Palace is muted since it's mostly in the main halls now, her wing is silent, she doesn't know where Chandra is, this is a nightmare

But she's been having nightmares all night, and apparently all morning, and don't tell her

Oh god, don't tell her this is another nightmare too

You know to check up on her because Chandra came flapping into your face with the kind of urgency you've learned not to ignore

When you walk in she's somehow pacing and hyperventilating at the same time, in uncharacteristic disarray

Her hair is starting to tangle, she's clutching her robe to herself, and her eyes are darting from wall to wall without registering anything

The first thing to do is get into her field of vision where she can focus on you. Once she does that, the fastest way to help her calm down is to answer all her questions

Once she has something to anchor herself with she's very quick to recover

She's a little embarrassed about how easily she was affected, but she appreciates your discretion and becomes more open with you as a result

No matter how late she stays up, she insists you never leave without waking her to let her know

Muriel

Oof, he's been getting these for years

The only big difference is that now you're around to see it happen, where he used to just ride it out on his own

It happens way less often than it used to. Overthrowing Lucio with you made him confront the source of most of his trauma and it's been helping him heal

But hey, it still happens. The first time after you two get together, he forgets you're even there

He's in the woods with you, clearing a path with his staff, when a stray branch snags on his hair and pulls out his bun

His hair is falling in his face, he's still going through the motions of hacking at the underbrush, but he can't see anything and some of the sticks are whipping around and scratching his arms and face

The last straw is when he steps forward onto a sandy patch of ground and then he's back in the Coliseum, gripping his weapon and looking at the person he's about to kill through his curtain of hair, hearing the jeers and boos of Lucio's followers

As soon as he can move he's heading for the hut as fast as possible

His normal routine was just to get somewhere safe and isolated, where he could wait for it to pass without worrying about being noticed

You saw him freeze when his hair got snagged, but by the time you noticed all the signs of panic he was taking off, leaving you behind and very confused

He didn't seem to hear you when you called his name, but Inanna knew what was going on and she was able to lead you to where he was

When you find him he is tucked into a nook in the back of the hut, shaking and hyperventilating and somehow staying completely silent

You need to ground him in the present, so you get the area smelling of myrrh while Inanna climbs into his lap to put pressure on him

Eventually he's able to listen to you talk him through some breathing exercises and the shaking stops

It'll take a while, but he'll open up to you about what it was like. He's never been able to tell anyone else because they would blame themselves, but you've proven that you're strong enough to handle the details

He'll slowly start to stand straighter afterwards, like there's less to hide from, and each time it happens again he comes out of it a little faster

Portia

She'll never admit it to anyone else, but she gets panic attacks about her Aunt Tasya

Can you blame her? One of her two remaining relatives turns into a strange version of the Devil and threatens to sacrifice the world, including herself and those she loves, and then snaps out of it after she talks her down?

She loves the life she has now, she loves you, and she's so free to forgive, but the trauma doesn't disappear and she doesn't know what to do with it

The two of you are meeting with Nadia one afternoon between ambassador trips and she informs you that Tasya will be arriving in Vesuvia for a visit in a few days

You and Nadia both notice the way all the blood drains from Portia's face. She hasn't moved at all but her eyes are staring at something miles away

Nadia dismisses you and you're able to pull her into a more secluded part of the gardens before she completely melts down

Her hands are shaking, there are tears streaming down her cheeks, she's trying to speak to you but she can't catch her breath, she can tell you're worried and she hates worrying you

But more than anything, she's racked with guilt. She loves her aunt, she's forgiven her aunt, she knows that she is stronger than her aunt, she should be looking forward to seeing her again

And yet all she wants to do is grab you and hide. Just the thought of meeting her on the docks makes her nauseated with anxiety and she doesn't know what to do because this isn't how she's supposed to feel about family

You'll have to hold her face in your hands and force her to look at you. The grounding techniques work at first, but until she tells you what's hurting her she can only get so far

At first she can't even make eye contact because she feels so ashamed, but you're able to tell her that whatever she's feeling, it's okay, you won't judge

Once she tells you you'll have to spend the next ten minutes telling her she's not a bad person for what she feels

You're able to talk about it more in depth later, and when the time comes you make sure to be with her anytime you meet with Tasya

Being validated like that helps her to reestablish what family means to her, and she's grateful that you're part of hers

Lucio

His panic attacks are mostly around the Devil and his fear of getting trapped again

Acknowledging his past mistakes was critical for his personal growth, but it also meant facing the fear of being responsible for bad things happening

His panic is more likely to be triggered by old mental habits than anything else

He'll be with you on a job, annoyed by some detail or another, and entirely out of habit he'll think "this would be easier if I could make a deal with someone about it."

And suddenly the rest of his mind is screaming at him. Why would he think that? Is he actually going to go down that path again? He just thought that so easily, what if he actually made that mistake again?

Visions are flashing through his mind of relapsing, slowly bargaining away everything he takes for granted, losing you in the process and having no second chance for redemption

He doesn't want to be who he used to. He doesn't want to - he doesn't want to - he doesn't want to

You'll notice him suddenly stop walking, his eyes fixed on a random nearby object while he's lost in thought

You'll see a sheen of sweat appearing on his face and his hand will begin to tremble

Mercedes and Melchior have been his companions for years, after this has happened once or twice they'll even know to alert you to an impending episode

He'll be muttering pleas under his breath and when you touch him he's started to go cold

The best thing to do is get him to drink some cold water. Something about the action grounds him more effectively than anything else you've tried

You'll get him to sit down against the nearest tree and the two dogs are handling it perfectly, leaning heavily against him and licking his face

Once you've managed to ground him, you'll have to convince him to tell you what he's worried about even if it makes him sound lame

This is the moment where you can praise him without worrying about puffing up his ego. You get to tell him how strong he's become, how much he's changed, why he's worthy of your love

He won't like to acknowledge it after, but he'll hold your hand for the rest of the day

#ask arcana brainrot #the arcana headcanons #the arcana hc #the arcana #asra the arcana #julian the arcana #nadia the arcana #muriel the arcana #portia the arcana #lucio the arcana #the arcana game #the arcana fluff #asra alnazar #julian devorak #nadia satrinava #muriel of the kokhuri #portia devorak #lucio morgasson #the arcana angst

[karolincki]

Empty Shell

I wrote this for @jaskierwhumpweek day 4, Exhaustion

Warnings: suicidal tendencies, child neglect/abuse, minor character death

Read it on Ao3

------------------------------------------------------

"Julian!"

Julian was hiding in his closet as his father's angry voice rang through the estate. His entire body was trembling.

Earlier, he had been playing in the gardens, something his father had forbidden, but all the plants and animals were just too fascinating to not look at. Julian had been careful, not letting anyone see him, but then he had lost track of time.

A maid had been sent out to look for him and when she had found him in a field of buttercups she immediately had run to tattle on him to his father.

Julian hiccuped and tried to suppress his sobs. Why wouldn't his father let him have a little bit of fun?

He began to cry in earnest when his father finally found him.

—

As Julian got older his father only got stricter.

No talking when adults are speaking. Always listen. Don't run. Pay attention. Stop crying.

But the stricter his father got, the more rebellious Julian became.

For every boring meeting he spent twice the time out in the woods. He learned to play the flute in secret. A stable boy showed him how to whittle a rudimentary flute. The sound was awful, but it was Julian's. He created that.

Creating became Julian's new outlet. He began to draw, to sing, to write, to play.

When his father found his notes of poetry, he told the servants to burn them all and to make sure to burn each future paper they saw.

His drawings would have found the same fate if Julian hadn't hid them with the stable boy.

He didn't cry when his father made him watch how the servants burned his very soul. He wouldn't give him that satisfaction.

Only hours later in the dead of night, when everyone was asleep, he broke down, crying bitter tears of betrayal.

—

Julian was fourteen when he kissed the stable boy for the first time. Patryk was already fifteen and seemed to know all the secrets of the world.

Patryk was the one to introduce him to the lute. It had gotten little damaged, so a bard had left it behind.

The first time Julian stroked one of the strings, it felt like his entire being changed. That one single sound called out to him like nothing had before. In that very moment he knew who he wanted to become.

He spent every single moment of his free time learning how to play the lute. Patryk always told him he had real talent, so when he felt he was good enough he went to his father to tell him about wanting to become a bard.

His father of course thought very little of his idea.

"You are viscount and you will get those silly ideas out of your head right now. Never speak of this again."

Julian had expected that reaction, but it was disheartening anyway.

Julian was fifteen when his father found the lute.

He was fifteen when his father saw him kiss Patryk.

He was fifteen when Patryk was bound to the pillory and whipped until his cries fell silent.

It was the last time he saw Patryk.

—

That day something broke inside of Julian. He had always held hope that one day things would turn around. Not anymore.

Where there once had been a boy who always smiled, there now was an empty shell.

Julian went through the motions of each day as if he was controlled by something else.

He sat quietly in meetings, never spoke out of turn, and always obeyed.

His father began to praise him for his diligence and his obedience.

"Finally we can make a proper Pankratz out of you."

The old Julian would have felt sick hearing those words, but the current one only smiled. His soul was gone, but at least he had his father's love.

—

Julian slept most of his free time.

When his father forced him to go to parties to meet proper young ladies, he went without complaint. He smiled and flirted through the entire evening, even when he felt like death warmed over.

Julian did what his father asked, he put on a mask and played the part of the perfect son and as soon as he was alone he fell apart like a puppet whose strings you cut.

He was always exhausted, but no matter how much he slept he never felt rested.

His father became impatient with him.

"Be more proactive, smile for real for once, stop being so lifeless."

It was the only request he couldn't fulfill.

Julian thought to himself that if he could fall asleep and never wake up again, then that would be ideal.

—

Julian was sitting under a tree.

His father had told him to get out, do something, anything really, just not sit at home.

So Julian went and walked until he couldn't see his father's estate anymore.

The wind was rustling through the leaves and bees were buzzing all around him, but Julian noticed none of that.

A bee landed on his hand. Disinterested, he watched it for a moment before he shooed it away.

Life truly was bleak.

Something nagged at the edge of his mind. Something that had been dormant for way too long. It annoyed Julian and he tried to get rid of it, but the feeling of urgency grew.

Finally he registered what his subconscious had picked up on. There was singing in the distance accompanied by a lute.

Julian's heart began to race. He shouldn't be here. His father would be angry. He would punish him again and yet Julian couldn't move.

Around the bend in the road a person appeared. They were dressed in colourful clothes and a ridiculous hat adorned their head. Julian held his breath.

As the bard, for it must be one, came closer, the song became clearer. It filled Julian with emotions he didn't want to feel, hopes and dreams he never wanted to think about again.

Tears were clouding his vision and his heart ached like it hadn't done in years.

The bard nodded at him in passing, not interrupting his song for even a second.

Julian was shaking.

He later wouldn't know what made him do it, but he called after the bard.

"Good sir, where did you learn your trade?" If the bard noticed how much his voice shook he didn't let it show. He stopped his singing but never his playing.

"In Oxenfurt of course!" the bard called back. "I am a master of the seven liberal arts. Now I travel through the lands and sing to my heart's content."

With a deep bow that looked so theatrical it might have given Julian's father a stroke, the bard disappeared into the woods.

His music stayed with Julian, though.

Julian's heart was racing. Fear, hope and panic battled inside his chest and paralysed he sat on the ground.

He had to do something.

He shouldn't though.

Dragging his feet, he rushed back home.

His father was gone on a visit to a friend and the servants didn't pay attention to Julian.

He threw a bunch of his clothes together in a bag and vomited into the chamber pot.

Grabbing everything of value he could carry and sell, he rushed out of the house while his head screamed to turn around as long as his father hadn't found out yet.

It was late. The merchants had already closed for the day and the farmers were home, so Julian managed to evade most people and hide behind a cloak he stole from a servant on his way out.

The docks were busier, full of drunken sailors and Julian marched straight to the person that looked like the most sober captain.

"I need passage to Oxenfurt."

The captain looked him up and down critically.

"Aren't you the little lordling?"

Julian resisted the urge to flee.

"I have enough money to make sure you never say that again."

The captain grinned and broke out laughing.

"Alright little stowaway, no noble has ever entered my ship if the Lord asks."

The passage to Oxenfurt was miserable.

Julian was sea sick for the most part and eaten alive by anxiety. What on earth was he thinking?

As soon as they reached Oxenfurt he booked the first inn he could get, bathed, and slept for an entire day. When he woke the next morning he forced down some breakfast and went up to the university.

He was feeling queasy. His legs were liquid and his stomach was ready to expel what little food he had managed to choke down.

The entrance was buzzing with students who were looking to sign up for the winter semester and before he knew what was happening he got swept up in the masses.

Was he insane? He hadn't played the lute in ages and was constantly exhausted, how could ever hope to become anything?

And yet, he didn't turn around. His heart raced, raced to the beat of the song of the bard and too soon yet still not soon enough he stood in front of the woman signing them all up.

"Name, please," she drawled.

Who was he? Who was he supposed to be? He couldn't sing up with Julian Pankratz, he didn't want to be that person anymore.

"Name, please."

"Jaskier, my name is Jaskier."

#the witcher #Jaskier #hurt #bard whump #jaskierwhumpweek #karo writes

[firebuug]

sorry i was working on my toyhouse again which means I read oc profiles again and have thoughts about them again.

i kind of like how eva did not start out as a violent person at all but by like the endgame of lcorp he's just ready to get himself covered in blood and rip through anything thrown at him at that point. and i also like that he started becoming that way after julian's death .

before his death he was going through it supreme and was burning himself out constantly and had endless piles of stress and anger at the world and his circumstances on his back and was doing a balancing act of keeping himself afloat and professional but instead of ripping through things to cope he just . bottled it up and slathered an air of professionalism over it. it isn't important it'll just make u unpalatable for ur boss. go to one sin's containment and vent if needed but don't let it break you.

but after witnessing an act of horrible violence towards someone he actually knew by name and interacted with daily and Wasn't just a redacted black strip or a code of numbers and witnessing how little anyone cared about it or how effortlessly the day went back to normal after cleanup it was just Cemented in him that Life Is This Way Violence Doesn't Matter. it's normal. venting isn't enough when you're absorbing everything around you on top of your stupid embarrassing grief and everything is putrid and heartless to you. making the trip up to control for confessionals takes much more time than just ripping into whatever threat lays around the corner and letting urself go blind swinging putting all of your tension into the grip on that swing and pretending it's your mom or your boss or your stupid coworker or yourself. who cares about writing about your feelings when you can spend your workday ripping shit to pieces with your hands and coming home to wash the blood off and play some piano. is it grief. is it finally finding a way to vent your overwhelming emotions in a way that's expected of you to survive. what even matters under there anymore

#txt #if you cant tell im normal over these stupid fictional men . #ocs #eva #julian #having so many thoughts yet they all r just literally whatever i wrote down on that page just restated in 200 more words #long post #it isnt that deep esoecially when im not able to exoress it in words but it can be

[marfsnok]

The cold harsh winds soared and roared as the ground coloured itself in white by the flakes of snow that fell from the dark clouds above. The overall scene of the city was dreary due to the raging snow storm, everyone was forced to stay inside, cuddled comfortably in their homes as they wished for it to end. Months had already went by since the start of it and food was starting to get scarce. Things weren't looking good. People prayed and hoped for someone, anyone, to help them in this crisis.

"Can I play outside?'' A child asked as she clung onto the woman, ''Deji, sweetheart, I'm busy calming down Julian. Why don't you go back to your brothers and sisters and play with them?'' The woman said, saying soothing words and praises to the boy in her arms as she tried to ignore Deji's nagging. ''I'm hungry..'' another child said, seemingly appearing out of nowhere, rubbing his eye's as he walked over with his stuffed bunny and a blanket over him. She flinched, shocked by the sudden appearance of the boy, looking down to Julian who she sucessfully managed to calm seconds ago. Luckily for her, he didn't, relief showing on her worn out face, giving Julian a small peck on his forehead. "Jabari?" she called out, a new head appearing soon after, unlike the three who currently were at her side, Jabari was much older than them. He immideatly understood the situation by just a quick glance, grinning as he walked over. He took julian into his arms and managed to convince Deji to let go of their caretaker. ''Jabari, thank you, please take them back to the room.'' "Yeah.'' He said, turning to his siblings and trying to convince them to come with, ''Deji, Orval. Come.'' the teen commanded, but in return the two only complained. "I want to go out.'' ''Can I eat?'' The 14 year old didn't know how to respond at first, patting Orval and then Deji as he then responded with a quick and short response. ''Can't'' the response earned more complaints from the two, whiney 'why's' and the like coming from their mouth. " You have to wait, if you're not babies anymore, you don't complain.'' the two quickly shut after and the woman who watched the scene unfold before her chuckled softly, despite seeing the teen help with the kids many times in the past, she couldn't help but stay to see how he would handle the situation. Seeing him somehow managing to control the two toddlers put her mind at easy a little, slipping away to head for the kitchen.

she felt a sense of unease when she approached, expecting to smell food only for it to be opposite. "Danielle?'' She knocked on the door a few times before entering, ''what should i do? Oh no, no no..'' she approached the other, closing the door behind her and calling her name again.''Danielle?'' "M-Mackenza!'' shocked by her co-workers arrival, she fidgeted, fumbling with her words as she tried think of things to say. Especially after seeing her friends frustrated expression, expecting for the other to yell at her. However, Mackenza didn't yell at her. Much to tired for it and she knew Danielle mustve had her reasons. "Elle, why did you go outside?'' she asked, pointing out/ higlighting some of the oddities within the room. Like her change in clothing or the snow thats on her and the ground. She had trusted Danielle to get started on making dinner, yet the other decided to go outside

''There's not enough.'' Mackenza opened her mouth to speak, but closing it right after. hearing her out more before speaking. ''There's not enough for everyone, I-i-'' ''did you check the warehouse? can't we just lessen everyones portions to make it more even? hell danniele, i dont mind starving if its to-'' "I checked! but this is all we have, we can give them even less Mack but what about tomorrow? the day after? and after? what bout next week?'' there was obvious pain and anguish in her voice when she revealed the situation, the stress getting to her. letting her worries show. mackenza moved past her to look at the ingridients on the counter, her heart sinking even further down.

''Why? why didn't you say so earlier?" ''I dont know.'' Danielle sobbed. Mackenza already knew why, after years of working with one another, she could guess on why. She couldn't, not when the children were there. mackenza knew this wasnt just danielles fault, but both of theirs, if she was in Danielles shoes shed have acted the same way. it was their mistake to not have noticed earlier. "Carmille should've stayed.'' mackenza mumbled as she looked blankly at the few ingrideants in front of her. The two stayed still like that, the only thing that could be heard being Danielles soft sobs. Minutes pass, the one who broke the silence was the one whos face is leaked tears, ''what do we do? Mack? what do we do? what do we tell the children?'' mackenza didnt answer and as much as danielle wanted to repeat herself, she didnt. her sobbing lessening after each few seconds pass.

"We have to go outside.'' Mackenza said, making up her mind. With the fear that help may never come their way, that was the only plausible solution in her mind. "what?'' Danielle was astonished, at this point, she lost all hope. the thought of trying something as dangerous as that never crossed her mind. ''we have to go outside for more food elle.'' Aside the storm outside prolonging itself on for months, it seemed to grow harsher and harsher after each passing day. doing that is suicide. "i'm staying.''' danielle said, ''we cant both go.'' Mackenza nodded, although danielles decision on staying was logical, deep down Danielle just didn't want to die. she cant bring herself to go out and get herself killed. she knew mackenza could get killed herself though she herself cant risk her own life for something that would most likely not work. She cursed at herself as mackenza moved past her to the door, unsure whether to think the other as brave or idiotic for this decision.

when mackenza opened the door, she did not expect for jabari to be there. ''Jabari! how long have you been there?'' "jabari?" danielle peaked from behind her friend to see the teen standing there. giving him a weak smile. His eyes glanced from one caretake to the other, staring at the one in front of him. ''Uhm, yeah i heard.'' mackenza bit the flesh inside her lip hearing that, gripping onto his shoulders, ''don't tell-'' ''I know.'' jabari said curtly, cutting her off. ''i'll come with you.'' mackenzas grip on the other tightened, jabari winched at the pain but he didnt pull or push away. "Jabari. Stay with danielle, okay? you cant go outside. its dangerous.'' he stayed silent, making mackenza worried. though, she let go of him and walked past him. Earlier the better, the children need to eat. Jabari turned around and straightened his posture, putting his hands behind his back. opening his mouth to speak again, the next few sentences making mackenza beyond just upset.

"Moms it's my fault the food ran out so quickly.'' Mackenza stopped, her back still facing him. ''While we ate, I gave some of my food to the others even though you both said we had to eat only our own portions and nothing more. My stomach was grumbling alot, it even started to hurt.'' Jabari spoke of what he did with a straight face, knowing full well that what he will say was wrong and whatever the coinsequences may be, hed take them head on. ''Sorry, I couldn't help it anymore and I started to eat more than I shouldve. i'm sorry.''

Daniella gasped and put her hands in front of her mouth, not from what jabari said, but because of something else. Mackenzas hand came across Jabari's face, the distance between the two closed immidetially. Neither of the mothers were one for violence, but after hearing jabaris confession and herself having reacher her limit or near, she couldnt help it. he shouldve known better, hes old enough to know better. Mackenza looked at her hand and the spot she struck him, feeling regretful by her impulsive action. ''Jabari, im so so sorry I just...''

''You cant do it alone,'' Jabari hadn't expected that, noone did. Though Jabari moved back his eyes and head forward and looked his mother in the eyes. He didnt seem like he would stop. if Danielle isnt going then I am. It's my fault to begin with.'' Mackenza stared her son back in the eyes, there was no hint of fear in them. Despite knowing the dangers, Mackenza gave in to his request.

''Jabari, don't wander off from me okay? and if you plan to, tell me. we cannot seperate.''

Jabari nodded, grinning innocently.

The two prepared themselves, getting into their snow gear and finding bags or other objects around the building they could use. Danielle observed the two as she busied herself with the children, majority were asleep, if not, they looked to be like they could be at any moment. "Mackenza did you do this?'' Danielle asked in a low tone, though Mackenza was able to hear it. ''No? jabari's work.'' ''No its not'' Jabari said, ''Most of them were still awake before i went to the kitchen.''

The three exhanged a couple more words before Mackenza thought it was time to leave, the three standing at the backdoor of the kitchen. ''Well be back.'' ''yeah won't take long.'' jabari chirped in, Danielle laughed wryly, nodding, ''Okay.'' Unable to say more even if she wanted to, she had no hope or confidence to do so.

The door opened and then closed shortly after. the duo began to walk through the thick snow. Mackenza knew the layout of the place she lived in, relying on her memory to guide her to the neareast supermarket. The snow almost reached their knees, if it wasnt windy, it wouldve gone way past that. It's cold, as only a few minutes passed by and the weather started to affect their entire bodies. Though luckily, they were able to reach the building. The doors to the store werent functioning, noone was there to operate it. Mackenza knew that and brought something with her in advance. Reaching for something on her back; a lightly rusted metal pipe. The thing was fairly heavy and when she first found it she was suprised, though she pinpointed it to Jabari's hobby of tinkering with old vehicles hence why it was even within the orphanage home to begin with.

Mackenza and Jabari walked to the side of the store, where they knew all the bicycles were placed. The area having a small roofing where the two shielded themselves from the snow and wind, Jabari pushed his goggles up. Wiping some of the snow off his body, he called out to Mackenza who walked further into the area, though his words werent able to reach her. Mackenza positioned herself at the window, getting into a swinging position and eventually swung. ''That went smoothly.'' Mackenza mumbled, the breaking of the glass only took her two tries, though she had to enlarge the opening so that a person could actually fit through. Using the cracks from her swings to her advantage, mackenza used her thickly gloves hands to punch the glass or pick away at it and at the bottom she used her feet to kick.

After she secured the entrance, the two head in and began to take as much as they could. Stuffing trashbacks full of food and jabari even went as far as strapping crates to his back. ''Jabari, you wont be able to take that all with you," she sighed, "its to heavy." Jabari shook his head.

"I'll be fine," he said looking back. his hand moving his goggles down. "it's not that heavy."

Mackenza could practically sense the others grin after he said that, chuckling. "Youre right." Mackenza knew the boy lied by the way he struggled to walk, though she didnt force him to drop some of what he carried. In fact, she joined him in on this. Filling her load more than what she originally thought was enough and as she complained to him on how he wouldn't be able to handle it, Jabari voiced that same complaint with her. "You can't carry all that!"

Mackenza laughed, "What? It's not that heavy, right?" She says, repeating his words to him/ using his words against him. It made the teen stunned and he didnt say anything back. The two go through the opening, both standing outside and it seemed like Mackenza would take the lead again in walking to their destination. Though, before the two began to move, Mackenza had one more thing to say.

"Jabari, and im being completely serious with this, if it starts to get hard, just leave some of that behind." The boy was able to eha Jabari seemed hesitant to agree, he however did after a few seconds of thinking, nodding. "Good, I know you wanted to do this, but dont overdo it."

With Mackenza leading the way once again, the two start to move back to the orphanage. This time, the speed they were going at was much slower due to their extra load, though they still made progress. Mackenza couldn't help but keep looking back to see whether or not jabari was still behind her, Jabari of course noticed this, giving her a thumbs up and she swore she coul feel him grinning when he did. This did however put her mind more at ease, as the time between each glance began to grow longer and in one of the glances, she found jabari gone from behind her. She began to panick, feeling dreadful.

Mackenza began to scan around her, eventually finding a silihoute ways off which she assumed to be him. "Jabari!" she yelled as loud as she could, beginning to move over to where the figure is. Once closer, she could see that it was indeed him, yet seeing as he is down to his knees made her thoughts go rampant. She yelled out towards him again, then again as she drew closer and closer. The splotch of a bright red near him did not ease her worries whatsoever, but once she stood close enough, she could make out the red to be apart of another person. Their hair. This person seemed to be a child, a toddler. She felt more calm now, realizing nothing had happened to the teen. However, now that she knew why he stopped all of a sudden, she could also guess what he intents to do. She admired his courage on wanting to save and she imagines if she was the one who found the child, she would do the same.

That is, if they were actually alive.

To her, the child seemed to be deceased. Their body is awfully thin, their skeletal structure showing through their skin easily, almost hollow eyes and their skin sickly pale matching the snow around them, though discoloured in some parts showing bruised. The childs pale skin contrasted Jabaris dark hand which he wrapped around the childs wrist, thumb on its nerve to check their heartbeat. If not for their bright hair colour, noone would have ever found them.

"Jabari! " She called out, repeating his name a few more times since she wasnt sure whether he could hear her or not. "Jabari! Jabari, leave the-" "Im taking her with me!" "-m here!" The two both shouted, though both didnt seem to hear each other, both repeating themselves until Jabari eventually stood up from the ground with the small figure in his arm, partly stuffing them under his jacket hoping this would somewhat warm them up. "what are you doing! Youre being ridicilous!" jabari didn't respond, waiting for Mackenza to continue leading. Mackenza however didnt, continueing to shout, "Theyre dead!" It took possibly minutes till Mackenze realized jabari didn't seem to falter, groaning out of frustration as she began to move again. jabari following right behind her, barely keeping up as the cold and weight started to effect him greatly.

Their walk took longer than expected, most likely due to their little stop in between. "Danielle! Danielle!" Mackenza shouted, banging her fists against the metalic door, "Jabari stay here, Im going around to the front." she said, signaling for him to do so. Jabari nodded, watching Mackenza walk away as he slumped to the ground with his back against the wall. The freezing could surrounding his body made him numb, he couldnt even tell his body is shivering and his teeth were clattering until he looked at his hand. He felt weak and so did the small child he held onto. "Vermillion," he muttered softly, that being the colour of the childs hair. A red, almost crimson colour, vermillion, "if you dont have a name, ill call you that." he could feel his eyes beginning to grow heavier and heavier, body growing weaker, hugging the small frame closer to him as he eventually fell unconscious.

[After thoughts? Notes?] A chapter of a story i want to write, could be the first or could just be one of them. i shouldve written in alot more details or fixed some grammar up in some places. Like how Jabari and Mack stayed within the store a little more to warm up, but hey, just a rought draft, so ill add it once i ever make a more finished version of this. I really love jabari and how i wrote him here, despite the rougness of this story. I love charachters with a cheerful attitude or view on life so of course i love this little guy as well.

[samtheplatypus]

“I know how it feels to have you love me, you don't do it right now, but you will.”

The traveler smiled. It had become the custom of both of them to meet and be together, the only consistent thing in each other's lives. What other consistency could someone who had lived for so long on this earth and lost everyone with whom they had established a relationship, and someone who jumped thorough time against his will and without control to when, find?

Condemned with abilities they never desired.

“I guess I have no choice but to believe you, Julian.” The traveler's smile widened, before telling him all the people he had met and the things he had discovered, sometimes he just hoped that he wouldn't be killed in the future, or in the past.

“How long have you been alive?” a young traveler in front of him, he had no idea his torment had begun so young. “At this point, I don't know anymore” he would never understand why humans seemed so obsessed with immortality, he was sure that hell must felt similar, of course, he would never know. "How old are you?" “Seventeen” They saw the boy's red eyes, he knew that he was going to try to return to his time, just as they knew that he wouldn't make it. “Everything will be fine Julian.”

The traveler was smiling, tears covered his vision, but they knew he was smiling, he had no pulse, but he was smiling, his skin was cold, but he was smiling, and his last breath was what unleashed his tears. Did he manage to make him happy until the end, his end? He never thought that they would lose him, they would forget he was still mortal. Would it have been better not to witness his death and never know what would happen to him in the end, or to witness it head-on and know that at least he left with a smile? How would he look into his eyes the next time they met, knowing that his limp body was once in his arms?

Countless encounters, always in a different time, and having memories of things that the other had not yet experienced was the least complicated part of their situation, but they were always there, no matter what, they always waited for him, even if it took centuries for their reunion, and he always looked for them. "I found you! I finally found you!” A laugh escaped their lips as his feet lifted off the ground, hugging Julian before returning to it, they saw the sparkle in his eyes as they slid his hands over his shoulders and brought them to his face, bringing his lips to theirs, unable to hide the smile in them. “You'll be right.” “In what?” Their foreheads touched, and he saw all his love reflected in the other's eyes. “You will know how it feels to be loved by me.”

This might sound a bit weird, sorry about that, english is not my main language

#time traveler x inmortal #alternate universe #the arcana au #julian x apprentice #the arcane game #the arcana apprentice #the arcana julian #artists on tumblr #julian devorak

[wordsablaze]

Ch.10. Bemusing Blue

Blue Buttercup Almost like buttercups, it took Jaskier a lot of time and trouble to bloom and find his place in the world, but it wasn’t all so golden… (aka: yennefer was his mother way before he was jaskier)

A/N: i’m once again back with chaotic fluff but hey, there’s plot if you squint ?? @dauntless-hufflepuff-pride @mayastormborn

previous chapter

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She doesn’t remember dozing off but her eyes snap open to the sound of a whimper.

“Julian?” she asks automatically, her arms tightening around him as she wakes up properly, ready to curse anyone who’s hurt him into oblivion. When he doesn’t reply, she glances down to find him shaking, his eyes squeezed shut and sweat glistening on his skin like little drops of rain.

“Julian?” she asks again, gently nudging him.

(She doesn’t know what to do other than be gentle.)

He only whimpers again in response and the small noise goes straight through the heart she didn’t know could still be so affected by such things. Sighing and praying that she’s not making a mistake, she uses her chaos to wake him up as carefully as possible.

“Yenny!” he sobs as he jerks awake, his eyes filling with tears.

(Her eyes are tempted to do the same.)

“Shh, little one, it’s okay. I’m right here, we’re okay,” she finds herself whispering as he melts into her touch, sniffling as he tries to stay quiet. She can’t understand why he’s trying so hard not to cry when all the children she’s seen in the past relish any opportunity to do so but she knows now is not the time to ask him about it.

“Stay with you,” he whispers back, his fingers curling into fists around the fabric of her dress.

(For once, she couldn’t care less about the creases.)

“Stay with me,” she agrees easily, slowly running her fingers through his hair as his breathing slows and he drifts off again.

It’s still dark outside so he lets herself relax once more, not quite willing to go back to sleep but also not willing to get up and leave Julian alone with his nightmares. In a strange, fleeting moment of disbelief, she wonders what Tissaia would say if she saw her now.

(She doesn’t care what anyone would say anyway.)

Yennefer stays exactly where she is until dawn breaks, at which point Julian stirs once again. He’d shifted in the last few hours to practically be sitting in her lap, his arms around her middle and his head resting just under her neck, so when he yawns and looks up at her, she can’t help but smile. “Good morning, Julian,” she murmurs, pushing his hair out of his eyes.

“The sun’s awake,” he mumbles through another yawn.

She chuckles. “Yes, it is. Do you usually wake up with the sun?”

“Sometimes we have to be awake for the moon too,” he replies, sounding as if he thinks she’s silly for even asking such an obvious question.

(His smile is the only thing worth being seen as silly.)

Yennefer hums, waiting until he uncurls himself from around her before standing up herself, stretching her arms and rolling the stiffness out of her shoulders and elbows. It’s only when she finishes stretching that she sees Julian copying her movements with a sheepish grin.

“Are you hungry?” she asks instead of addressing the way she wants to grin back.

He jumps upright, opening his mouth to reply but getting distracted as he wobbles and falls over, giggling as he bounces on the mattress.

Biting her tongue so she doesn’t interrupt his glee by laughing, Yennefer merely watches as he amuses himself by jumping up only to fall over and bounce onto his back, making a mental note to try her best not to kill the Lord who’d provided something that makes Julian so happy. She feels a bit like a fool as she waits for this child to finish playing, leaning against the wall with her arms folded, but since there’s nobody around to see it, she figures she can give him this opportunity uninterrupted.

(And give herself this opportunity uninterrupted.)

“Yenny, does this bedroom have jam?” Julian asks after a while, breathing heavily from the effort of literally jumping around.

“Bedrooms don’t have jam, Julian,” she replies, wiping the sweat off his forehead with her sleeve - an idea that would once have been unfathomable to her.

Julian frowns. “But you said bedrooms are where you keep you keep your favourite things!”

Yennefer nods as he climbs into her arms, locking his legs around her waist as she places an arm under him to steady them both. “They are. But food goes in the kitchen.”

“The kitchen,” he echoes, nodding. “Did you bring your kitchen?”

(She doesn’t know if she wants to laugh or cry.)

“No, little one, but this house has its own kitchen. We can go and ask if they have jam,” she tells him, missing out the part where she’ll figure out a way to acquire some herself if they don’t.

“And bread?” Julian asks, his head dropping to rest on her shoulder.

“And bread,” she confirms, biting her tongue again so she doesn’t offend him by accidentally laughing.

He nods and just as she starts moving, asks, “Do you think the sun likes jam?”

Yennefer pauses, using one hand to lean against the wall as she ruins her plan not to laugh, unable to stop it this time but unwilling to risk dropping Julian no matter what. Once she’s recovered and he’s looking up at her with furrowed brows, she nods at him. “I don’t see why not.”

(She does but indulging him is far better than explaining why.)

She knows she’s made the right choice when he nods happily, wrapping his arms around her neck and fiddling with her hair. There’s a part of her that doesn’t want to leave their room like this but she figures it’s too early for most people to be awake and she’s powerful enough to convince any servants that see her not to say anything unless they want to lose their tongues.

And so they make their way down to the kitchens where they do in fact have enough jam for Julian to enjoy two servings of breakfast.

(Stupidly enough, Yennefer just enjoys his enjoyment.)

“Is he okay?” one of the maids asks Yennefer, “He looks a little pale.”

Resisting the initial urge to punch the other woman for potentially insulting him, Yennefer just nods. “He didn’t sleep too well.”

“Nobody sleeps well here,” the woman sighs.

“What?” Yennefer asks, now more curious than anything.

The maid looks a little guilty but shares a glance with her friend before nodding solemnly. “None of us have slept well for the last few years.”

It can’t be coincidence that Marcio’s mage friend had died just as their nights had become uncomfortable, it just can’t. “I’ll look into it,” Yennefer promises.

The woman smiles at her gratefully. “Thank you. We’ll find some more jam for your son by luncheon.”

The words don’t even register at first but by the time she realises she should correct that assumption, the maid has already disappeared somewhere and she’s left frowning at thin air.

(She’s almost glad she hadn’t had to explain what exactly he is to her.)

“Aren’t you hungry, Yenny?”

She blinks, pulling herself back into the moment as Julian holds up a piece of bread to her. She’s not really that hungry but she can’t exactly refuse, can she?

“Thank you,” Yennefer says sincerely as she bites into the bread, almost surprised to find jam on it; the very idea of him so easily sharing something he loves with her comes as a surprise.

He beams at her, one of his hands sliding into hers when he finishes his own food. As the jam on his fingers makes both their hands sticky and he freezes, offering her a guilty smile that’s immediately followed by a delighted giggle when she magically cleans their hands, she absently wonders if this is what actually having her own son would be like.

(Too bad she’ll never get to find out.)

-

i'm sorry but soft parent yen is my jam (ha, get it?) so i'm self-indulgently milking it, hope that’s alright <3

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thanks for reading !! masterlist | witcher blog: @itsjaskier | next chapter

#yennefer of vengerberg #fluff #the witcher #fanfic #soft yennefer #parent yennefer #young jaskier #protective yennefer #hurt jaskier #domestic fluff #canon who? #jaskier #my writing #bbu #i don't even control this julian anymore #he's just out here being smol and soft #it's fine bc yennefer gets some of the love she deserves this way :)

[greyvvardenfell]

i want to draw

a julian

#i have had an exceedingly long and difficult day and i should go to bed #but #i want to draw a julian #maybe I'll draw an analog julian so i don't have to stare at a screen anymore #i have tomorrow and friday off because i was supposed to go to a queen concert but Shit Happened #(shit being my extraordinarily poor mental health and the breakdown i had today over the idea of travelling #followed by two days with my mother and little to no sleep and loud arena rock #FURTHER FOLLOWED BY two more days of comedy workshop upon my return) #:) #so no more concert #or travel #with the added bonus of Neurotypical Guilt from my mother #i cried so hard i broke the blood vessels under my eyes though #haven't done that in a long time #now it looks kinda like i got into a fight #and/or i haven't slept in roughly a century #all this /after/ crying for an hour in Therapy™ #for the second week in a row #because i keep retreating further and further into escapism in a futile attempt to feel even a scrap of belonging or control over something #neither of which i feel i have in my real life :) :) :) #and my therapist -- who is normally very understanding and helpful -- is just like welp yeah you should be better about that! #real people can't meet your expectations so you'll never be happy! #wanting support when you're sick or hurt or people who love you and want you around is too much to ask for! you're fucked! haha! #lower your standards or be miserable for as long as it takes the agony of being alive to overwhelm you! #so anyway i want to draw julian as a) catharsis for the shittiness today has hurled my way #and b) a reminder of the escape I'm carving out for myself so i can stay alive one more day :) #sorry if you read all this and are worried about me now. it's whatever. I'm just venting #rebecca says words #may or may not delete later. depending on whether I end up drawing a julian