#it isnt that deep esoecially when im not able to exoress it in words but it can be

[firebuug]

sorry i was working on my toyhouse again which means I read oc profiles again and have thoughts about them again.

i kind of like how eva did not start out as a violent person at all but by like the endgame of lcorp he's just ready to get himself covered in blood and rip through anything thrown at him at that point. and i also like that he started becoming that way after julian's death .

before his death he was going through it supreme and was burning himself out constantly and had endless piles of stress and anger at the world and his circumstances on his back and was doing a balancing act of keeping himself afloat and professional but instead of ripping through things to cope he just . bottled it up and slathered an air of professionalism over it. it isn't important it'll just make u unpalatable for ur boss. go to one sin's containment and vent if needed but don't let it break you.

but after witnessing an act of horrible violence towards someone he actually knew by name and interacted with daily and Wasn't just a redacted black strip or a code of numbers and witnessing how little anyone cared about it or how effortlessly the day went back to normal after cleanup it was just Cemented in him that Life Is This Way Violence Doesn't Matter. it's normal. venting isn't enough when you're absorbing everything around you on top of your stupid embarrassing grief and everything is putrid and heartless to you. making the trip up to control for confessionals takes much more time than just ripping into whatever threat lays around the corner and letting urself go blind swinging putting all of your tension into the grip on that swing and pretending it's your mom or your boss or your stupid coworker or yourself. who cares about writing about your feelings when you can spend your workday ripping shit to pieces with your hands and coming home to wash the blood off and play some piano. is it grief. is it finally finding a way to vent your overwhelming emotions in a way that's expected of you to survive. what even matters under there anymore

#txt #if you cant tell im normal over these stupid fictional men . #ocs #eva #julian #having so many thoughts yet they all r just literally whatever i wrote down on that page just restated in 200 more words #long post #it isnt that deep esoecially when im not able to exoress it in words but it can be