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bleedingichorhearts · 3 months

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𝕮𝖗𝖊𝖆𝖙𝖔𝖗 I

(ℭ𝔬𝔫𝔱𝔦𝔫𝔲𝔞𝔱𝔦𝔬𝔫)

𝕬𝖚𝖙𝖍𝖔𝖗: I have decided to make ?Short? Story of this. This one was a little harder to do, scraped a few parts. This one’s a bit more tame?

TW // Stalking?

“What do you mean multiple been trying to get my IP Address?” I asked my protective agent, heart dropping in my chest.

“Yes-”

“What? When?” I interrupted, thoughts racing on the matter. I never had this happen before. I never had them band together like this. They have never gotten this close before.

“I don’t know ma’am.” The agent said, voice cutting out slightly through the phone. My mind trying to come up with ways to stop this…thing from happing.

It would have been a different situation if there was just one like the last time, but no. There was more than just one now. A group of them.

Just how many were there?

The thought of speaking face-to-face with them came up, but it wasn’t the safest option out there. Possibly one of the most dumbest ones ever instead with the many ways that could go.

“Just…keep them off of me the best you can, agent.” I simply said, clicking off my seatbelt and waiting for a reply from the agent before hanging up the phone. Sliding it into my pocket as I got out of the car.

Flipping my hood over my head, I locked my car with my keys as I walked away into the store hearing it beep.

“Welcome!” The cashier greeted, a big, friendly smile on their face. Brighting up my day just a little bit.

I nodded back at the familiar face of the young woman. She was always the bright, and inviting one, no matter how the day went unlike the grumpy manager. He was an hard one to get a read on, but I think he means well? Gives me the “mysterious protector” vibes.

Grabbing a small basket, I wasn’t planning on buying a cart full of food tonight. Too emotionally tired to do so. I’d figure I’ll just hire someone else to do it. Maybe pay them extra if I’m feeling generous.

Going down the canned aisle first. I grabbed a few jars of spaghetti sauces and placed them in my basket. Then went along and grabbed some Angel hair noddles. Thinking spaghetti sounded somewhat good tonight, fairly easy to make too.

Heading to the meat aisle, I didn’t expect an Astartes to be there looking at the meat like it challenged him.

His helmet almost touched the hanging sign above him. His armor was dirty, but a light blue base with a scale like design showed here and there with an silver insignia of an hydra on his pauldrons. The marshy smell of his ventures sticking to him.

If I remember correctly, this was an Alpha legion Astartes. An rarity to see as I heard most didn’t form bonds, or any at all. A thought I have felt remorseful on.

“Whoa there, big buddy.” I interrupted the hydra as he picked up a roll of meat. My own hand coming up stop him, as his helm moved swiftly to look down at me. A glowing hue of red optics staring. “You can’t just eat raw meat. Especially, unpurchased meat. It can make you sick. To us humans anyways.”

The hydra looked between me and the meat then tilted his helmet, questioning me silently that I found oddly cute.

“I mean, you can eat raw meat, but it isn’t preferred. Can result in a lot of health issues.” I continued, questioning myself if an Astartes could even eat raw meat.

The hydra rumbled in response, slowly putting the meat back down in the fridge.

“Do…do you need something to eat?” I asked, unsure if I should be feeding an Astartes. My hand returning to my side, an internal battle going through my mind. I couldn’t just leave him hungry for the rest of the night!

The hydra cooed, a rightful question to please the hydra. His body leaning over my form. Easily towering over mine as I barely stoped his helm from nuzzling the top of my hood.

“Hey now! You stink!” I laughed, the hydra rumbling lowly at the accusation. Lightly pushing against my own offending hand in attempt to get closer.

“Ew! Stop that! Let’s get you something to eat, yeah?” I desperately said, eager to breathe regular air than swamp water. How did this guy even get in this store smelling like an alligator?

The hydra gave me another rumble before leaning back up to his full height, pushing at me lightly to hurry me up with my shopping.

“Alright, Alright! I’m going! No need to be so demanding!” I huffed, lightly swatting at his gauntlets.

—

The marine rumbled proudly to himself, and their darling as she kept them well away from their goal, but someone had slipped. Their darling firewall had been taken down for a split second before it was up again. A small portion of information being collected.

The small information was rewarded with a small victory. The rest of the group coming closer to find out what had gotten their fellow marine so pumped. Becoming excited themselves when they noticed their progression.

Oh! How smart their darling was! Keeping them far away for so long!

Don’t worry darling! We’ll find you.

ℕ𝕖𝕩𝕥 ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕥𝕖𝕣: 𝕮𝖗𝖊𝖆𝖙𝖔𝖗 II

ℙ𝕣𝕖𝕧𝕚𝕠𝕦𝕤 ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕥𝕖𝕣: 𝕮𝖗𝖊𝖆𝖙𝖔𝖗

ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝕃𝕚𝕤𝕥: “𝕮𝖗𝖊𝖆𝖙𝖔𝖗” 𝕮𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗 𝕷𝖎𝖘𝖙

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stanleyvampire14 · 24 days

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Hi! To clear up some confusion because multiple people keep asking me this; “Who is the Emerson family?” Or at least a member of them TW FOR MENTIONS OF DEATH AND SEMI-VIOLENT SCENES

Let’s start with Mr. Emerson himself! John Emerson!

John is a policeman that usually either gets stationed in the neighborhood he lives in, or he goes around patrolling other neighborhoods in the town. He’s been in the police business for a while (years) and he likes doing it! He loves helping people! However he does have a side to him that can and will kill you (or at least seriously injure you) if you hurt the people he cares about, mainly his family. His immune system isn’t very great and he gets sick a lot around the flu season, which kinda sucks, but he refuses to not go to work, which kind of worries Mary (and Ryder as well). It’ll get to the point where Mary forces him to stay in bed, she will literally wrap him in a blanket to make him stay. He is very loyal (COUGH COUGH. @lord-of-the-bundle-of-sticks @todds-diary @that-fruitier-emo) and we love him for that. He taught Ryder basic manners and to actually respect women, despite most fathers at the time not caring about the latter, which is why Ryder is so insistent on teaching that to the other kids (island kids and daycare kids). Ryder really looks up to him, even after the island, although he’s more subtle about it after the island because he’s more reserved in general. Overall a great guy, I’d talk to him about my problems and he’d hug me as I rambled.

Next is Mrs. Emerson, Mary Emerson!

She is a saint I swear…and pretty…Beautiful even…Anyways! She’s a daycare worker, she made her own daycare because the others in the area kinda sucked in her opinion (discrimination issues among various types of people + “what about the poor people with children :( we have to help them somehow”) she will literally give discounts near the holidays please go to her daycare. Literally the most comforting person aside from Ryder himself. She doesn’t care who you are (and she might know who you ARE before you realize, in Ryder’s case…🏳️‍🌈) she will be there for you, it doesn’t matter how hard you breakdown, she will find a way to comfort you. She says that she doesn’t have a favorite child in the daycare, but she definitely does (it’s technically Ryder but he works with her so he doesn’t count) nobody knows who it is and the kids try to play guessing games, and everytime she leaves the room to do something, the children repeatedly ask Ryder who’s the favorite and he doesn’t know either, but he says that he likes Klaus a lot (@lord-of-the-bundle-of-sticks oc) and Ira (will reveal all of the daycare children soon enough, also Ira is they/them). She taught Ryder how to cook and somehow Ryder surpassed her skills in cooking, but Ryder always says she’s better, because he IS a mama’s boy and he can’t bring himself to make his mum sad ever. I just wanna hug her and melt hhgfssmhgh….Oh I love her so…💚💚💚 She’s my wife but also not- is there a way someone can be aroace and want to kiss a woman at the same time (I’m aroace and I really like physical affection it’s my favorite)

Lastly, my favorite little guy (he is 16, he is not little) Ryder Emerson!

Despite what all the kids think, he’s not actually an angel, he does typical teenager stuff (sneaking out at night, occasionally drinking because of Lust, and rotting in his room for months after the island! Y’know, totally usual behavior for teens please don’t rot in your rooms that’s bad for your mental health) and he might’ve indirectly caused a few deaths on the island, but we aren’t talking about that- He scarred Gluttony because he killed Sloth and Ryder obviously didn’t like that he bit Jack and Maurice out of self defense, and he might’ve smacked Roger on the head on the island at least twice…He got tired of them eventually. I swear he’s overall a good person, that island just really messed him up mentally and physically. In the fight between Jack and Ralph at the end, Ryder ended up getting scars from Maurice because Maurice slashed him with his spear, meaning to stab him (it was Jack’s command and Maurice was kind of a little gone). Speaking of the Merridew kid, he and Ryder are therapy partners/friends together due to their therapist thinking that exposed therapy would be a good thing for them, which it kind of was. Ryder got so much better after talking to everyone that survived on the island, even though he still feels iffy with some of them (Ralph, Roger, Maurice, Samneric all technically betrayed him in some way). His relationships with the sins (also @lord-of-the-bundle-of-sticks ocs) got so much better, although Gluttony’s was…Not good for a while, they eventually forgave each other in their own way, I’d like to say it started here, which I believe would take place a couple months after they got off the island: https://archiveofourown.org/works/52156768/chapters/131921551

Thank you for listening to my rambling, if you did.

Have a gallery of them, I really do love them…💙💚🩷 (I accidentally made it a timeline of events, oops)

This post was mostly for @cve-th3mvsic , but I hope this clears some questions up! ^_^

I will be linking this on my pinned post, just in case it gets lost in the massive amounts of posts I reblog and such.

#lotf #lord of the flies #ryder #rye #art #my art #lotf oc #john #mary emerson #Mary #john emerson

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forever-rogue · 2 years

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hi!! i don’t know if you’re taking requests but i LOVE your writing and have one so here i go: frankie when you have to rush out of town to be with a sick family member, helping you through the stress and panic that health issues bring, and just generally being a Supportive Boyfriend Icon™️ 💗thanks!!

AN | Frankie is just everything to me. He would undoubtedly be the best boyfriend ever🥺🥰

Pairing | Frankie Morales x Fem!Reader

Warnings | Hospital setting, mentions of accident/injury [nothing graphic or descriptive]

Word Count | 2.4k

Masterlist | Frankie, Main

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“Come on,” your phone was pressed between your shoulder and your ear as you crossed your bedroom, tossing clothes and other items onto the bed. You weren’t sure where your duffel bag was but that you’d leave that for last - you’d use a trash bag if you had to. Frankie was at work and he didn’t always get a chance to look at his phone while he was at the shop; you’d suggested a smart watch but he wasn’t a fan of the idea - something about being too dependent on technology and not wanting to bang it up while working. It would have been handy in a moment like this.

It rang a few more times before it went to voicemail where you heard his warm little message, this is Francisco. I can’t answer the phone right now but please leave a message! You sighed and ended the call before trying again to get through to him again. If it didn’t work this time, you’d just have to leave a voicemail and text before leaving. You just didn’t want him to come home and wonder where you were.

“Hi Bee,” his soft, sweet voice made you want to break down in tears then and there, “what’s up? Is everything okay?”

“N-no,” your voice shook and before you could stop yourself, tears were running down your cheeks, “I’m okay, it’s not me. My sister…she got into an accident and she’s in the hospital. She’s not doing well. I-I’ve got to go to her. I’m just packing a bag and then going over to the hospital to be with her and my parents’.”

“Fuck,” was all he said for a moment as he processed what you had said. He knew how close you were to your little sister, how much she meant to you; she meant a lot to him too, “go Bee, just go. Are you okay to drive? I can leave right now and take you.”

“I’m okay,” you promised, dabbing at your eyes with the sleeve of your sweater, “I’ll be okay. I just didn’t want you to come home and worry. Frankie…I’m scared. What if something happens to her? What if-”

“No, no, mi abejita,” he whispered softly, “don’t think like that. She’ll be okay - she’s just as strong and stubborn as you. Just go to her, but don’t lose focus while you’re driving. I don’t need something to happen to you.”

“Okay,” you said softly.

“I’ll be there tonight, okay?” your heart felt a little bit lighter at the knowledge that he would be there, “I just have to finish a few things here and I’ll be on my way. Just text me which hospital it is and I’ll come as soon as I can.”

“Thank you,” was all you managed to get before you sniffled again. With Frankie at your side, everything already felt that much better, “I love you so much, Francisco.”

“I love you more, Bee,” he promised, “I’ll see you soon, okay? Everything is going to be alright.”

“I know,” you inhaled deeply, “I know. See you soon.”

As soon as you ended the call, you felt mildly better. You found the travel duffel on the floor of the closet and grabbed it out so you could quickly put everything into it. You tried to keep your mind from wandering into dark territory; it wasn’t worth stressing and worrying when everything would be fine. Your sister would be okay and soon Frankie would be at your side.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

You were somewhere between sleep and being semi-conscious as you sat in the hard plastic chair of the hospital room. The lights were dimmed and after the stress and panic of the afternoon you were exhausted. Your parents had left a short while ago at your insistence that they rest and that you would let them know soon if anything happened. A yawn escaped your lips as you tried to get comfortable with the little space you had.

“Bee?” your eyes snapped open as you suddenly felt wide awake at the sound of his voice. He came into the room quietly, a tense, anxious expression on his face as you darted over to him. He instantly softened as you wrapped your arms around him and held him as tightly as you could. His grip on you was just steady as he gently rocked you back and forth before kissing the top of your head, “hi baby.”

“Frankie,” you buried your face into his chest, calming yourself with his familiar scent and warm body, “thank you for coming. I love you so, so much.”

“I would do anything for you,” he put a finger under your chin and gently turned your face up to meet his. You couldn’t stop yourself, kissing him gently, almost as if to remind yourself that he was real and actually there with you, “how is she?”

“Okay for now,” you sighed as you looked over at your sister. She almost didn’t look like your sister; it broke your heart that she was in this position - you would have traded places with her in a heartbeat - but you were hopeful that everything would be okay, “stable. Which is good. They’re just monitoring her right now, waiting until she wakes up.”

“Good,” he smiled softly, as he gently touched your cheek, “the women in your family are strong and stubborn and definitely don’t give up without a fight. She’s no exception. Besides, she has you here,”

“How do you always know just what to say?” He really was the best support system anyone could ask for, “you’re wonderful, I hope you know that.”

“You’re my family,” he stated as though it was just the most obvious thing in the world, “and so is she. I’m only stating facts. And, not to totally change the subject, but are you hungry?”

You opened your mouth to say something, but your stomach rumbled loudly, “umm…yeah. Starving apparently.”

“I suppose it’s a good thing I brought dinner,” he chuckled softly, “I stopped and got your favorites on the way over. I figured you could use a little pick me up. And a hot chocolate but that was purely for selfish reasons because I wanted one too.”

“Francisco, mi amor,” you took his face in your hands, letting your fingertips ghost along his jaw before you pressed your forehead against his, “you are wonderful. I don’t even know how to thank you.”

“There’s nothing to thank me for,” he insisted, “let me go and get the food…I might have to sneak it in because there was a nurse on duty that definitely didn’t like me.”

“How could anyone not?” you playfully scoffed, “you’re the most handsome and most wonderful person ever.”

“Maybe to you,” he kissed your cheek, “but definitely not to her. She totally gave me Miss Trunchbull vibes.”

“Frankie!”

“Well…” he shrugged lightly, “I’ll be right back, okay? I can take you to your parents in a little while. I know you need to rest and I doubt you’ll be able to get any here.”

“What about-”

“I’ll stay,” he promised, “Let me help, Bee. I know it’s hard, but it’s okay to ask for help - and you’re not even asking for help. I’m offering.”

“You’re so good to me,” you felt another wave of emotion wash over you, “I don’t deserve you.”

“These are the types of things you do for those you love,” he reminded you, “it’s never a duty or obligation, it just is. I love you and I want to take care of you. I know you would do the same for me."

"Of course," you whispered, "I would do anything for you too."

"Well that settles that," he gently bopped the tip of your nose, "I'll get the food, we'll eat, and then I'll take you to your parent's house so you can rest."

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

The next few days were a mixture of emotions, ranging from worried to happy to sad and everything in between. It had left you nothing short of exhausted and run down. But Frankie, sweet, kind, pure Frankie was amazing and wonderful. You really didn't know what you would have done without him; he was your rock in every way.

You'd insisted that he didn't have to stay and that he could go home. He wasn't leaving your side, you'd known that from the start if you were being quite honest. The two of you, along with your parents, rotated in and out of the hospital waiting for some sort of sign, anything from your sister.

He made sure you were eating, showering and had clean changes of clothes, and got some sleep. At one point, you were both so tired that he sat in the hard plastic chair and pulled you into his lap so you could rest on his pliable, warm body. Eventually both of you managed to get some sleep, despite the odd conditions.

After nearly a week of waiting and wishing and hoping, you heard the sound of your sister's hoarse voice calling out your name. Suddenly the world seemed like it was right again.

"Frankie!" you poked your head down the hall to where you saw him coming back with a couple of coffees in his hands, "come here!"

He was worried at first, but when he saw that there was a smile on your face, he relaxed. He half walked and jogged over to you, "what happened?"

"She's awake," you grabbed his hand as soon as he put the coffees down and scurried to her side. She blinked a little, clearing the bleariness while a small smile tugged up the corner of her mouth. You reached for her hand with your free one, touching it gingerly, "birdie. You're awake!"

"Hi Bee," her voice was dry and cracked but the sheer fact that was awake made your heart feel so much lighter, "hi Frankie. We're both here."

"Of course," you tenderly stroked her cheek, trying to be as soft as possible so you wouldn't hurt her, "we've been here the whole time. I was so…I'm glad you're okay. I don't know what I would have done if-"

"Shhh," she shook her head lightly, "no need to dwell on that. I heard you, you know. It was weird…like being asleep but still kind of hearing what was going on. You guys are saps."

"Oh hush," you blinked away the tears as you leaned down to kiss the side of her head, "do you…I don't want to be insensitive but do you remember what happened?"

"Yeah," she sighed lightly, "I remember almost everything until they knocked me out."

"You scared us, birdie," Frankie teased lightly, causing her to smile, "glad to have you back. Don't know what we would have done without you."

"I'm sure you'd all have managed," she grinned, "glad to know I've got supporters."

"Always," he promised, "I'll let the nurse know you're awake and call your parents. I'll be back in a few."

"Thank you, Fish," she gave his hand a squeeze before he kissed the top of your head and stepped out of the room.

You let out a long breath before shaking your head with a laugh, "glad to have you back."

"Glad to be back," she agreed, "more or less. My leg is broken, isn't it?"

"Among other things," you sighed, "but the important thing is that everything will heal. You'll be okay."

"How could I not when I've got all of you guys," she looked towards the door for a moment before turning back to look at you, "Frankie really loves you, you know. He's a keeper…you gotta marry him."

"I…love him more than I could ever put in words," you admitted, lightly biting the inside of your cheek, "I really don't know what I would do without him. I would marry him in a heartbeat if I could. I mean…I'm planning on spending the rest of my life with him no matter what."

"That's disgustingly cute," she teased as your face flushed with warmth, "stuff like that, like you guys…it makes me believe that true love is real. God, when did I get this pathetic?"

"When you got into an accident?" you raised an eyebrow before the two of you laughed, "I love you so much, my little bird. Whatever you need, just let us know. Seriously - don't do this whole martyr thing where you pretend you don't need help and then suffer through the pain. We're here to help; if you want to come and stay with us while you heal, just say the word. We have a guest room for a reason."

"For a future nursery," she yawned through her laugh as your face warmed up, "I love you. Thank you for everything…I think maybe I'll stay with mom and dad for now, since dad's such a sucker for us, but if it gets too much I'll be at your door in no time."

"Sounds perfect," you agreed as you sat at her side, "just rest, birdie. We'll all be here when you wake up."

She nodded lightly before closing her eyes again. You sat back in the chair, which suddenly didn't seem as uncomfortable, and you felt like a huge weight had been lifted off your shoulders.

What you didn't know was that Frankie had been outside the door, listening to what you had said. He hadn't meant to pry, but he didn't want to interrupt your conversation either. But he couldn't lie and say that it didn't make his heart swell and threaten to burst to hear you talk about him the way you did.

Frankie quickly made up his mind that he was going to ask you to marry him, finally, when you both got home. There was no better time to break out the ring that had been tucked away in the drawer of his nightstand. He'd bought it a long time ago, had wanted to ask you just as long, but never had the courage to ask. Now he knew it was right - he'd always known it was right, but this was the moment.

"Hey," you whispered when he quietly came back in, "she's asleep. She needs all the rest she can get. Frankie…I don't know what I would have done without you. I love you so much."

"I love you more, Bee," he promised as he sat down next to you, watching you nothing short of reverence, "always more."

#frankie morales #frankie morales x reader #frankie morales x you #frankie morales x fem!reader #pedro pascal #pedro pascal x you #pedro pascal x reader

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moving-to-dreamwinged · 6 months

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cw / ed

it’s just hard for me to genuinely believe u care as much as u say when u keep making “jokes” even after ive explained to u so many times how much it hurts me OVER and OVER when i HATE opening up to ppl so even setting tht boundary was hard asf!!!😭😭😭 u know how hard i worked to get in recovery and how it’s been even harder to actually STAY there. u know all the stories abt how my disorder tore my relationship w my family and my old friends about. yet u constantly say triggering shit ON A LOOP EVERY DAY with no fucking warning. bc i had the audacity to be vulnerable for once in my fucking life and open up to u abt my insecurities? then u say my trust issues in general are unfounded and “crazy” when U PERPETUATE THEM. just say u liked me better when i was sicker at this point instead of beating around the bush. for fucks sake

and these r supposed to be my ppl, the closest friends i’ve ever had in my life yet they constantly make me so uncomfortable with the things they say abt my habits and the tidbits they know abt my struggles w mental health. they’re so so great otherwise but then there’s this and no matter how much i explain it they never stop? it hurts so much. and it comes in sprees too; where they just basically bully me constantly for a week and i hav no idea where it came from or how to stop it. i don’t want to let a few idiotic comments interfere wifh all the progress i’ve made but fuck. i decide to treat myself w a lil dessert and there’s a comment. i walk outside in literally any outfit and it’s “oh u better lay off the [whatever food they saw me eating recently] or that’s not gonna fit anymore lol!” i genuinely. don’t understand. iv explained to them hey im in recovery from anorexia after multiple years of struggling w it, ik it’s just jokes to u guys but it really hurts me. nope nothing. the running gag in the friend group is basically that im fat and ugly. that’s their favorite bit nd when they remember how funny it is Oh am i in for a long couple of weeks.

and idk maybe they dont mean it. maybe they rly just think it’s funny; maybe they think there’s nothing wrong w my body so commenting on it is a funny joke bc of the contrast but idrc honestly. one of them even HAS body dysmorphia (and knows i do too!) and STILL does it. like shouldn’t you understand how fucking DAMAGING tht is? its all so hurtful to me in so many ways nd i can’t stop thinking about it. they know i struggle w sh and suicidal thoughts too yet keep this up. like shouldn’t u know that’s gonna make it worse??? i don’t rly have any interest in seeing them if this keeps up. i don’t wanna eat around them or even exist around them if they keep doing this. i feel rly sick. i don’t want to think this is genuinely how my best friends feel abt me and they think it’s ok but. :( i can’t help it. i rly don’t know what to think

#.vent #cw ed #cw ed mention #tw ed #tw ed mention #cw sh mention #cw sh #tw sh mention #tw sh #long

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cakeboxie · 2 months

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I think the reason Halsin and Zevlor (and Jaheria but I don’t post about her often) appeal to me so much as characters is bc they’re old and queer. Halsins varied queerness is an inherent fact of his character, and I heavily hc Zev as a cis gay man and jaheria as a straight transfem.

I only recently realized why I like that so much, it’s because it’s incredibly likely I won’t get old.

Tw. Death, graphic descriptions of chronic illness, mention of genocide, violence fuelled by bigotry.

I’m kinda just rambling in hopes that maybe someone like me will get comfort from knowing that they’re not alone.

I’m mixed, visibly queer, physically disabled, chronically ill and poor in an extremely conservative area. One of my only clear memories before 2016 is being told I wouldn’t live to see 13 bc of all the things wrong with me. I could drop dead from any number of physical issues, I could be killed for being queer, I could be murdered as a “joke” (this whole thing was prompted by an article about a group of teenagers who pushed a wheelchair user to her death in front of a train a few months back bc they thought it was funny. I was at the exact station where it happened, in my wheelchair, waiting for the train.) because I’m supposed to use a mobility aid, which means murder is okay, apparently.

I don’t know any old queers either, I’m not fond of adult themed events but there was a time when I forced myself to go anyway. Just to see people who really and truly lived.

And there was no one.

I know why there wasn’t, but still.

The oldest queer person I’ve ever known was 37, and 39 when she was murdered.

I suppose I just want to hope that someone like me will be able to grow old, and be truly and completely happy.

A part of me is guilty about that, in a weird sort of way. Be the change you want to see in the world and what have you, but I quite literally can’t.

Protests rarely stay peaceful here bc of pigs (cops) and violence fueled by bigotry. I cannot move fast enough to get away.

I can’t afford to donate, I have to live with two people who are, frankly, incredibly bad for my mental health bc this province believes $500 a month covers rent (if I had to pay rent and not just utilities my third would be close to $600 with 3 people in a 2 bedroom, we could not find a cheaper place.)

I do my daily clicks for Palestine (one on each device + in incognito), I keep myself as up to date as I can handle without breaking down. (Particularly genocide is something that has been a constant in my life, Ukrainian/indigenous, somehow both the 2nd generation to be born in Canada and the 2nd generation to be born off the reserve. I physically cannot handle reading about it without making myself legitimately sick a lot of the time, I’m guilty about that too.)

My silly little pngs don’t have to worry about that. They’re only sad when I say they are, otherwise they are happy and they are loved. Loved in a way I can’t even understand, really. I don’t know what it’s like to sit on a counter and kiss my partner while I’m cooking, I don’t know what it’s like to be domestic. It feels weird and edgy to say but it’s true, I don’t know what life is like without pain and exhaustion and struggle. I have fought tooth and nail to make myself a safe space and still it does not exist outside myself. I have exactly 10.2 square meters that are truly safe, and even when I am safe I am in pain, my joints ache and dislocate and fight me when I try to move.

So I draw my silly little pngs, and hope that someone will eventually be happy like that. Because even when everyone is shitty hope is really fucking important. And I can do that, dear gods I can hope. As hard as I can I hope for change.

#should I put character tags on this?#idk man #I want to #bc I want people to see it and know that there are other people #like them/like me #but also #the wider fandom scares me #with how they treat Halsin and Wyll particularly #ik wyll isn’t a focus of this post but he could be very easily included #bc I also don’t see queer poc #I know why that is (queer spaces here are still extremely racist)#I wish I had the means to change that #anyway #cakewrites #bg3 halsin #bg3 zevlor #jaheria

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icharchivist · 11 months

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you ever get a compliment so specific on your field of study that all you can do is cry

I haven’t really kept up to date with my life on here bc things have been messy but this year i’ve been trying to finish up my uni diploma, which i had left in pause for years because health issues, esp mental health, just made it impossible for me. One of the class i still had to pass was English Literature analysis for this semester, because of a mix of “i can’t process all of those texts” and the fact it was an oral analysis presentation and my social anxiety had kicked up so badly those past few years that any physical presentation led me to such mental states crumbling that i just mostly didn’t manage to finish it up.

the oral was today, i’ve been stressed for weeks about it, i didn’t read half of the recommended texts, i don’t remember half of the lessons i did participate in, and i was so panicked i couldn’t bring myself to study at all, those past few weeks have kinda been a stressful nightmare on that point

I still managed to push myself to go to the exam (major upgrades on the last time i tried to pass it), despite an awful night and the fact i have constant dizzy spells these days (probably bc of stress)

turns out not only i was getting interrogated on the subset of the class that i didn’t vibe with at all/am not at ease at all, but i fell on a text we studied in class when i was sick, and therefore, it was legit my first time seeing the poem at all.

so i go in, lacking all sort of confidence, thinking to myself i mostly just need to show i was here and i’ll still validate the year with that. I try to yolo an interpretation of the poem as i can.

Only so that at the end of the presentation the teacher tells me it was incredible, that this interpretation was really good, and when i mentioned i was really uncomfortable because i actually didn’t know the text at all, she told me it’s even MORE impressive that this is what i came up on my own in 30 minutes. She then asked me if i was pursuing further degree in literature because i “clearly have a gift” for analysis and was disappointed when i said no because she said i would really bring something to the field.

i was panicked for weeks over all of that and now i got this compliment and i cannot process it properly, i’ve been crying for the past half hour or so

I genuinely lack so much confidence in my analysis in general (despite trying to hold up the appearance that i’m actually super confident, promise! any confidence you see on this blog is me lying through my teeth) so being told that by a professional on the field is just. oh god.

anyway idk if i’ll manage to process more brainpower for today but for now i’ll just stay in a state of limbo a moment over the most specific compliment i could get on something i genuinely care about to start with.

man.

#ichatalks #ichapersonal #ue ue ue

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thatnarcissisticfeel · 2 years

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hi! so i don’t rlly know how to even phrase this but lately i’ve had a lot of stuff getting worse, none of the “basic” diagnoses i have (like depression and anxiety and stuff) describes it at all. so i’ve started questioning if i maybe have a personality disorder bc it’d all make sense, both the behaviors and how i see the world and why its only getting worse and more noticeable now etc.

i keep finding myself in cluster B PD traits and lately ive been reading more on NPD and i genuinely completely see myself in the description of the covert subtype. i always blame others for everything and am completely unable of accepting or feeling guilt. nothing is ever my fault, its always someone else doing something or provoking me or it’s the way i was raised or it’s because of the system etc. i’m deeply insecure but hate showing any kind of vulnerability. when i’m in a vulnerable position i get ashamed and angry bc i cant stand feeling weak. i often get so angry i do shit that could easily destroy all the relationships i have. i never apologize (unless it’s a situation where i have to in order to save the relationship but still never actually feel sorry) bc that’s showing vulnerability and admitting i’m wrong. i always compare myself with others, i used to think this doesnt apply to me bc i generally don’t care about typical things such as popularity and status as i’ve always been an outcast - and it’s kind of a major part of my identity that i feel different than everyone else (even though its most likely just how i was forced to learn to cope with being excluded), but i’ve come to realize i absolutely do always see myself as “the worst one” in terms of mental health. i can’t stand others talking about their issues bc no you don’t even have it that bad at all, i’m worse. i feel like no one will ever be able to truly understand me bc the majority of people are npcs anyway. no one thinks for themselves, they dont have any self awareness and just do what they’re told. i treat others like shit but still expect them to be nice to me because i deserve it because i’m sick. i deserve more attention from doctors because of how unwell i feel. i should be the one that gets treated first. i obviously never voice these feelings but it makes me so pissed off when i have to wait like i’m never important enough for anyone. like there was this one case when i had to wait longer for my appointment bc some girl came in due to an emergency and all i felt was angry and annoyed and like when is it my turn to get taken seriously?? i completely lack affective empathy and very rarely genuinely care about others. others being sad annoys me and others being happy makes me angry, sometimes even to the point of having homicidal thoughts. i’m envious of pretty much everyone who i consider better off than me. and again i dont mean shit like money or clothes but more like just the ability to be normal, having close friends, being in a relationship, all that stuff i know i’ll never be able to have bc of my mental illnesses. i’ve never been able to form genuine relationships, i do have a few friends but they all mean nothing to me and are just there so i’m not lonely. i’ve never been able to feel love or affection for anyone. and when i think abt it i dont even really want to be like them, i just want to make them suffer. i lie to everyone and only reveal my “true” self when im having a breakdown and basically cant control myself anymore as i have so much suppressed anger inside i sometimes feel like i have to genuinely put effort into stopping myself from physically attacking others; who cares abt words when im that far gone. and even then i later turn it around and make it seem like im just depressed and stuff (which is true, but theres also so much more no one knows about). everyone around me considers me a shy meek polite nice caring person and it just feels so ironic.

idk what to do at this point, genuinely. writing it all down like this makes me sound so fucked up even though i act relatively normal when i’m stable enough. but in reality i feel like on the inside i’m just breaking, i’ve had to turn to drug abuse as its literally the only thing that helps me cope with everything & prevent me from being even more destructive (towards both others and myself) and its making me even more short tempered when im sober and even more paranoid someone’s going to find out and get me in trouble. my therapist knows about it but doesnt do shit. ive been on so many psych meds before but its as if literally nothing ever works on me. like i would never normally seek advice on tumblr out of all places but i thought just maybe i would get understood here as i keep getting just either ignored or insulted on places like reddit (sure jan calling me a psycho is definitely going to help my issues when all i did was fucking ask how to cope with my issues).

sorry abt the wall of text. do you have any advice? ive been going to therapy for years but its all useless. i cant be honest with anyone for pretty obvious reasons. i just really dont feel like living for much longer. but even just acknowledging this ask and not judging me would mean a lot.

I obviously can’t diagnose you, but I will say a LOT of what you said is behaviors that and I other NPDs do, which makes me think that even if you don’t have it, advice and such that is geared towards pwNPD could help you. Unfortunately there isn’t much self-help geared towards pwNPD (I say self-help bc clearly your therapist is not a good therapist for you and I know it would probably be difficult to get a new one), but DBT workbooks are a good place to start. I think they’re technically geared more towards BPD, but they can definitely still help narcissists. Stuff like this is why I hate how much NPD is stigmatized, because we all DO deserve help and we all DON’T deserve to feel like this.

It sounds pretty basic, but are you a part of anything like online NPD/cluster B support groups, ie discord servers? Obviously they’re not a cure-all, but even just being around people who have the same thing and who you don’t have to mask around can help. If you don’t have any I could happily provide some if I can find a public one. Of course, communities like that can be a hit or miss, but it’s definitely at least worth a shot to try to find a group of people who are struggling with the same thing.

Another piece of advice, which might sound completely neurotypical on the surface, is to start journaling or writing down feelings. It might seem like just a small thing but having a place that only you can access where you can talk about things like vulnerability could be a good starting point, because at least you’re admitting it to yourself and getting it out there in some way. Lying to everyone and not being able to show your true self is really exhausting, so having one space that’s yours and yours only where you can learn to be comfortable with being vulnerable — even if it’s just to yourself — is a tiny thing that can work wonders. It doesn’t have to be some super dramatic “dear diary, woe is me” type thing, it can be something as simple as “Today I fucked up, and I know I fucked up, but I still blame xyz, I hate xyz.” That way you’re getting the vulnerable thoughts AND the angry thoughts out there without 1.) hurting others with the angry thoughts or 2.) having to show vulnerabity which would hurt you.

Of course the end goal might be to “unlearn” the behaviors, so to speak, but that can’t be done overnight, and until it is done, it’s better to have a few places to be open, even if it’s just amongst yourself or other pwNPD.

I hope this helped, lmk if you need more advice — and definitely know that you’re not alone, as cheesy as it sounds.

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vio1315 · 1 year

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Oh right

I keep meaning to do a life update

Because long time followers remember when I posted a lot of personal struggles on here and I like never follow up on that stuff

And have since stopped posting personal stories as often whoops

Honestly I don’t remember everything I left as a loose thread that could be ‘is she okay’ so basically:

>Yes I am okay

>Most the stuff I was having trouble with happened like 5+ years ago now

>I am still pretty shut in, but I have a good job and I do go out once a week technically

>Much more mentally stable, I don’t really get the sort of empty feelings I used to anymore

>Every day I am unsure if I am like 🤖 to other people, or if I live normally. But I have unworked a lot of the emotional repression stuff I was doing subconsciously, and have gained a capacity for the ‘feeling of love’ (since love isn’t really a feeling, but you know the feeling I mean). Idk if I never experienced it before, but if I did it was Extremely rare compared to now. I certainly had devotion, but idk

It’s like ‘oh my prayers were answered on this topic again :0 ‘

I think I am pretty content generally, but I still don’t have happy feelings or fun feelings that often on my own, but this is super normal for me and doesn’t bother me the way the ‘void feelings’ did. It just vibing

>I did get a few extra sensory issues, probably from being shut in, but nothing that makes it any harder to go out. I should go out more still, but not many ideas of where to go for now

>I lost touch with the rest of my rl friends more or less (ﾟ⊿ﾟ) I went through a big thing of making myself not burn bridges and then like 4 months later they stopped contacting me anyways. I haven’t really felt any issue about it so have been leaving it be, but I guess I’ll crack that case back open if it ever starts to feel like a big thing that needs to be done

>My family is doing pretty well : )

>Story stuuffffff. I went through about a year of work to make my to do list better, so now I can focus on writing, sort of. And hopefully I can finish my script for TTF in good time now after the Big Delay of relaying the foundation and needing to get life in order. It will take a Long time because I insist on doing all 10 arcs before starting to draw it, so like... I still am mostly gonna be quiet on the topic for awhile

>Life plans? Nope, never. I still live very in the present, so I will just continue my job till I get fired probably and try my best to keep using my free time well. Or start

>Nobody wonders about this but I swear to you, vitamins/supplements make me sick every time I take them. Like literally sick. Like with germs and things. How????? How???? They had nothing in common between the three diff supplements, but each time I started I would get sick for like 2 weeks or a month ??? But I will keep trying to see if this is actually happening because ??? How ????

>Oh yeah, I am trying to get my health better and actually gained much weight 🥳 maybe someday exercise too, but I wanna tighten daily schedule first

>I am looking at some other mental disorders where I think ‘do I have that???’ But just for the sake of communication. I still don’t really need medication to manage the strange stuff. Coping mechanisms generally work pretty good for me, and learning to weed out bad ones and so on. I haven’t felt ANXIOUS in a bit now, and idk maybe not as often. I know I was like a year or two ago, but it goes down every year overall.

Lots of things that used to make me anxious just don’t so much anymore

That’s everything I can really think of right now

Life is basically good overall for me.

Health is good for me, though I still need to work on actually doing things to be good to my body.

Socializing is pretty good in the forms I do it, but I still need to go out more to prevent my brain from getting weird about ‘sounds and feelings I can’t control’ and all

Fam : )

Everything is chill actually. I basically vent here less now just because I have more opportunity to vent directly to people when there’s a need to wjdnejd but I don’t think anything major comes up that often

But also my emotional memory is really low hwjdnwjd like I know for a fact a year or two ago there was a month where I was super unwell and stressed, but legit idk what that felt like, I just know it happened

So maybe the frequency Could be similar, but I wouldn’t know it 🤔 but certainly less major events happen, and that’s good with me

Just an update cuz I realize it’s easy to vent and all, but when things resolve, it’s less interesting to talk about, so you leave people hanging unintentionally, since posting directly on here barely feels like talking to anyone anyways, super easy to let that go

I am not a private person honestly, so hope this doesn’t seem weird to anyone widjsjdn

#Vio's Personal #Yaaaa boooiiiii #I didn’t mention faith progress stuff because I don’t think I talked a lot about that before :0 #But I have been less fearful for a long time now which is bueno #But I am still lazy so #and also my ability to comprehend what I read I have realized is Bad #So need to learn how to study and such #But that will be oookaaaaay probably #My issue is if you show me videos where people explain things #I will find something about the person where I can’t stand them #is how it keeps goimg #but videos are my best format alas #but that’s just a ramble so anyways

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semper-legens · 2 years

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93. Unmentionable, by Therese Oneill

Owned?: Yes Page count: 300 My summary: Therese Oneill gives a guide to how to be a Victorian lady, including sex, manners, health, and all the nasty little details you don’t learn from Jane Eyre. My rating: 0/5 My commentary:

If you know anything about me, you’ll know that I’m a bit of a nerd for history. And the Victorians are something of a fascination to me. Their culture and society are so interesting, with the widespread effects of industrialisation, the social change that was happening through the sixty four years of Queen Victoria’s reign. So this book, usually, would be something completely up my alley. Usually. Because this book was a complete mess from start to finish, full of misinformation, myths, stereotypes, and a focus on a certain subset of nineteenth century womanhood at the exclusion of all else.

Really, the problems with this book start at the title. Victorian lady. See, there’s two problems with this. One, the Victorian era lasted from 1837 to 1901, and society and culture changed in massive ways through that time. Sure, you can talk about the era as a whole, but the experiences of a woman in 1837 and her granddaughter in 1901 are going to be hugely different. Two, it became apparent after a few dozen pages that Oneill was focusing on America. Which, famously, got rid of the English monarchy in 1776, except for Queen Victoria’s reign. Oh, sure, she’s most likely using ‘Victorian’ as a shorthand because it’s more recognisable for people - but that’s the problem with this book. Oneill’s history is very much pop-culture history. You can get the same amount of factual information from one of those bullshit ‘everything you need to know about corsets in five minutes’ videos. Hell, you can get far more factual information from a Horrible Histories book. At least Horrible Histories has the excuse that it’s for children.

See, Oneill is giving a general overview of womanhood in ‘Victorian times’, without ever being specific as to when. Take the part about how one might dress. Are we in crinolines? Bustles? What’s the fashionable silhouette, and how might a woman achieve it? Oneill doesn’t care! Tightlacing your corset happened through the whole era, apparently, and we’re wearing our crinolines with multiple petticoats, despite the crinoline having been popularised to get rid of the need to wear multiple petticoats to achieve the full skirt. It’s this lazy, stereotype focused approach that I absolutely detest. Sure, everyone in the past smelled, they rarely ever bathed, that’s something that’s always true. Women couldn’t do anything, ever - ignore the real-life nineteenth century ladies who achieved measures of social and cultural progress.

Sometimes, Oneill even directly contradicts herself. She states that nobody knows how nineteenth century people dealt with menstruation...and then publishes images of newspaper advertisements for sanitary products. She says that a core expectation placed on middle/upper class wives was the ability to cook, except if you had any amount of money in this era, you’d hire a cook. Which Oneill knows, because she talks about it later. She also doesn’t cite sources for her specific claims - there’s a bibliography, but she doesn’t state where individual facts came from unless they are quotations, which really doesn’t help the perception I have that she’s just talking out of her arse or parroting stereotypes for how the nineteenth century was without actually caring to research them. And then there’s the sweeping generalisations, like her assertion that your hypothetical nineteenth century husband will of course grow sick of you by the time you’re twenty, because that’s far too old. (Ignore the fact that, as far as my quick searches can tell, the average age of marriage for a woman in this era is 24/26. Men are around 28, for reference.) It’s less the claim that I take issue with here and more the lack of room for any sort of nuance. Funnily enough, attitudes to women and womanhood changed a lot in sixty four years. Does Oneill recognise that? Does she hell.

But let’s go back to the class thing. Because the device Oneill uses is that we are a modern woman time-travelling back to ‘Victorian times’, and as a ‘favour’ to us, she places us as a middle or upper class woman. Fair enough, the subtitle is ‘The Victorian lady’s guide to sex, marriage, and manners’, and though you could take ‘lady’ in that to mean ‘woman’, you could also take it to mean ‘Lady’, as in wealthy. But. But but but. The thing with this focus is that it feels really disingenuous for Oneill to complain about how much our hypothetical middle/upper class woman’s life would have sucked when they were the best-off women in this society.

Like yes, keep going on about how hellish throwing a dinner party is, I’m sure the twelve year old maid scrubbing out your chamberpots will be so sympathetic. Or the haggard mother working twelve hour factory shifts. Or any enslaved woman. Yeah, if we’re a rich white American woman, we’ve got to address how we’re definitely benefiting from the exploitation of working-class and enslaved women. (And we’re definitely white, Oneill addresses the existence of non-white women in this period like twice, to point out that medical professionals at the time thought they didn’t feel pain or experience menstruation as white women do. Wanna explore how fucked up that is, Oneill? No? Just gonna keep going on about how impossible it was for a rich lady to manage a household or throw a dinner party. Sure.) But Oneill doesn’t engage with that. She just keeps going on about how badly our rich white lady had it, not talking about how rich white ladies in the nineteenth century were often the perpetuators of violence and systemic oppression, not talking about they might have been slave-owners or mistreated their domestic servants, not talking about anything but how put-upon the fucking rich women were. Talk about not having rights, Oneill? Your hypothetical rich white woman has a hell of a lot more rights than any other woman in this society, and a great deal of the men too!

Also, the style in which this book is written is so irritating. Oneill’s voice is incredibly patronising, talking down to the reader at every turn, addressing us as ‘dear’ and ‘darling’ constantly. I was thoroughly sick of it by chapter two. Ah yes, tell me about how patronising nineteenth century men were in the most condescending language possible! That makes sense. And I’m not saying that a non-fiction work written in a more informal style can’t work - I really liked A Fatal Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum - but this is not how that should be done.

Ugh. So glad that’s over. I’m gonna be ranting about this for weeks to come. Anyway, next time, something I actually enjoyed - back to Ancient Rome!

#Unmentionable #Therese Oneill #bookblr #book blog #book blogging #1

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alexibeeart · 2 years

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I’m having a bad time, health-wise

cw: animal attack, medical stuff, digestion/food, money, anxiety, depression, catastrophizing

I’ve been trying to not like talk about this just for general privacy concerns, and to avoid worrying people, and ??? who knows, but over the past two weeks a lot of stuff has been compounding and stressing me the fuck out that all started with one event, and that’s: getting attacked by a stray cat.

on my regular, routine, neighborhood evening walk, I came across a cat walking on the sidewalk in the distance towards me. as I got closer it stopped and i kept approaching, because, you know, yay kitty cat. I thought it was someone’s house cat out for the night. it looked like a normal healthy adult cat. it wasn’t walking funny or drooling and didn’t appear sick. but when it hunched down and i could tell it was growling NOT meowing, i started to back away carefully and attempt to cross the street to leave the area. the cat wasn’t having that. it lunged at me, attached itself onto my left leg, and started biting and scratching all over. I thank whatever God Above that i was wearing long pants. I screamed and managed to shake it off after a few seconds. I didn’t see a single person come outside or check to see why some lady was screaming bloody murder on the sidewalk. I hobbled all the way home, making very sure that it wasn’t chasing me (it wasn’t, just stood there), proceded to freak the fuck out, took off my pants, and assessed the damage.

I had scratches all up and down my calf, two very large clusters of deep claw-wounds on either side of my knee, and a few bite marks on my thigh and knee. My pants were soaked in blood on the inside, i had to throw them out and i was very sad because they were my mom’s. It was bad. my family helped me clean-up, wrap-up—we bought these jam-packed first-aid kits for the house a few months back they proved to be invaluable—and drove me to the urgent care. I didn’t have to wait very long, thankfully, and was brought back into a room where i explained what happened. I got a tetanus booster, and because we didn’t know anything about the cat I was also started on the rabies vaccine. If you don’t know anything about the rabies vaccine let me tell you you don’t want to ever have to need it, but also please take it if you do. rabies is no joke. I had to be injected in all of the wound sites which hurt a lot, and then another shot in my deltoid (upper arm, same as where they give the Covid vaccine). I had to go back three more times over the next two weeks on days 3, 7, and 14 (that’s today!) to get the rest of the vaccine doses. I already had some rabies anxiety, but this has just absolutely wrecked me. I’m basically convinced that even though it’s very unlikely the cat even was rabid (we think we’ve seen it a few times since, just a skittish feral stray, we’ve also warned the neighbors and i had to report the attack to the Public Health Department), and even though i was cleaned and treated very quickly after the event and the vaccine is basically 100% effective, i’m just convinced that they did something wrong or that i’ll still die of rabies somehow anyways. it’s like a waiting game from anywhere to weeks to years to the rest of my life

I was also put on a 10day course of preventative antibiotics called Augmentin, to make sure my wounds didn’t get infected. it’s a wide-spectrum antibiotic that’s given for animal bites and other stuff. On the last day, which was this past Wednesday, i started uhhhh well let’s just say my guts are not happy. I wish one single healthcare personnel had suggested i started taking a probiotic alongside the antibiotics because apparently this particular one is prone to cause bad, sometimes awful and debilitating, digestive issues because it knocks out so much indiscriminately including the good stuff in your intestines that protects against the bad stuff, and apparently i could have saved myself all this trouble. i have to give a stool sample to the lab on Monday to find out if i potentially have something called C. diff that’s like basically just the worst bacteria ever. even if i don’t, which i probably don’t (hopefully), i’m still just feeling like shit and after all this everything just feels so horrible all the time. I’m extremely depressed and feeling hopeless. i’m hungry for actual food but i’m on a bland diet for the diarrhea. i’m just exhausted. I’m finally on a probiotic currently and maybe feeling a little better very slowly? but it’s hard to tell honestly

Between the rabies anxiety and now this, i’ve been extremely deep-diving and spiraling into the internet and just convinced that i have every worst case scenario imaginable. I am an anxious mess. Every tiny single twinge of anything in my body and i immediately decide it’s a symptom of xyz and that i’m doomed

and then there’s the money. medical bills, antibiotics, paying for gauze and bandages etc out of pocket. the rabies vaccine is very, very, very expensive! stupid expensive!!!!!! I am now facing over $11,000 in medical bills. The nurses at the urgent care gave me an HCAP application and i have worked really hard to put everything together for it and fucking pray that i’m approved for partial or full coverage. ps i’m uninsured, of course

I’m just kind of in a really, really bad place. that’s why there was no Freebie Friday this week. That’s why i haven’t managed to get any new handmade listings up, even though I currently have two things finished that i was really fucking excited about. All my energy and time goes into this, whether it’s counting the time between uhhh digestive episodes, or calling the doctor, going to the doctor, getting shots, cleaning my wounds, re-dressing my wounds, putting together stuff for financial aid, and so on

I was starting to feel better last Monday when my doctor took a look at the wounds and affirmed that everything looks like it’s healing well, no infections, and now my guts have laid me flat all over again. I also have other stuff that’s been stressing me out, including job-hunting, doing stuff as mom’s estate administrator, i was pretty fragile already

anyways, i don’t really know where i’m going with this now, maybe stay tuned if i have to fucking make a GoFundMe for all this shit and if i disappear from the internet it’s because i’m either just too depressed to do anything or i’m dead from rabies or i’ve shit myself to death from C. diff or God Knows What Else

yeah i don’t know yall please stay away from stray cats i am so fucked up from all of this i love cats I’ve always had cats and i’m finding myself nervous around my own sweet indoor girls right now

#sorry #long post

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a-moment-captured · 10 months

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How do I get out of my head and do better at my job when I can barely take care of myself? I feel like I’m in a fog all the time, but my performance is slacking (a lot of other things were said, I was sobbing in front of them) but I need benefits, so I have to get better…I just don’t know how, I feel like I’m mentally paralyzed, and that my meds don’t even work anymore

I’m sorry I miss this anon!

I know exactly how you are feeling and exactly what you are talking about! I was in that place 2011-2013. I thought I would never get out of it.

If you don’t mind me asking, what are your meds and what are you taking them for?

I’ve seen it over and over, with myself and my mom and my sister and patients, where they are not on the correct dosage. Or they are on multiple medications for the same thing when they only need one at the correct dose for it to do what it needs.

My mom was having so many issues with her hemoglobin, WBC, and basically being in a “fog” because she was on too many medications for just one of her health issues. They were harming and not helping her. Thankfully, between me & my sister plus her great doctors, we were able to figure this out and get the other meds out of her system while she was in the hospital.

Being in our heads can be good for us. It helps with general clarification, problem-solving and future planning along with a wide array of other things. But other times, we can feel like we’re a prisoner to our thoughts. Sometimes, it can reach a point where all we want is to figure out how to get out of our head.

Overthinking can potentially lead to an increase in mental health problems such as anxiety and stress disorders. This typically only occurs as a result of overthinking about the past or worrying about the future.

I’m guilty of this. I use to make myself sick over thinking things. It only got better in the last few years and after my son’s diagnosis with Austim. I realized I could not control everything.

Have you ever asked yourself, "Why do I feel stuck or why can’t I stop overthinking in life?" It's not always an easy question to answer.

It's a reality that people change over time. Your needs, your wants, and your hopes all evolve. Perhaps that perfect job you landed a year ago doesn't provide enough stimulation now that you've mastered it. This type of situation can leave you wondering which direction to go in next.

That can in turn wreck havoc on your mental health which can affect your physical health and put you in that fog.

Keeping your nervous system on high alert for extended periods of time can blur the lines between what is and isn't harmful. It can also lead to extreme fatigue, which isn't the ideal frame of mind for decision-making.

I would talk to your doctor about your meds and it may be time for a change in dosage or trying a new medication.

Also, my inbox is always open! If you want to ask more but don’t want it posted, you can always message me! No judgment here at all and I’ll try my best to help you any way I can!

#anon #mental health

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onefinem0rning · 1 year

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I live in the southernmost bit of California, and I’ve noticed something peculiar and a little telling lately.

The last few times I’ve been into Target, there has been, in general, one single checkout open.

There has also been a relatively long line of people of all ages waiting for that single checkout.

I hypothesize it’s because we all, deep down, despise self checkout, but I digress, who knows why, maybe it’s just me who despises self checkout but for whatever reason, be it buying alcohol or having difficulty understanding it or wanting to interact with a human, we’re all lining up to wait for the single person handling checkout.

Then there are 2-3 employees standing around, not checking people out, attempting to force people (albeit nicely) over to self checkout.

I know they have been instructed to do this.

But I find it so fundamentally disturbing that we are witnessing the cannibalization of the future of in store shopping in real time.

We, as humans are actively fighting against the “rise of the machines,” we are saying, “no thanks, actually we hate the computerized version of you folks and we’d rather have some awkward small talk while you try to force credit cards on us we don’t need just so machines don’t scream at us about unknown objects in the baggage area,” and the corporations are saying “no, what the shoppers really want are the self-checkouts! The less interactions the better! Anything to save a fucking buck, we bought these things and don’t have to pay them sick days! The customers will use it if we just make it as obnoxious as possible!”

And they force the retail workers to be the ones to try make this happen!

They’re compounding existing staffing issues that they already love to complain about by not putting enough people on checkout and instead making them monitor empty self checkout stations while typical checkouts are flooded.

And what does this do? Pisses customers off, overworks the employees who get put on those shifts, and fundamentally seals the deal on the destruction of the employees’, and store’s, own future, ultimately driving people more out of stores and further down the Amazon hole altogether.

All because the egos making the calls can’t ever admit when something maybe just wasn’t as big a success as they hoped.

Fucking capitalism.

Are they sending out memos that read “get the customers to use your replacements, we don’t have to pay the robots health insurance”? Cause that’s what it feels like I’m watching in real time.

#fuck capitalism #self checkout #target #but really all the big box stores and groceries #I know I’m not the only introvert that hates the self checkouts even though I also hate the people #rise of the machines

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servin-up-surveys · 1 year

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survey #133

When did you last drink coffee? I've never truly drank coffee, just tried it a few times and thought it was disgusting each instance.

When did you last cry? And why, if you feel like sharing. Yesterday, a little bit. My sister posted something on Facebook that's happened at work over the past week or so, and it just warmed my fucking heart so much and reminded me yet again my sister is a real-life superhero, like very literally.

What was the last beach you visited and when? Carolina Beach, more than likely. Maaaaaaany years ago.

What book do you plan to read next? The next WoF book is Darkness of Dragons, the last book in this specific arc.

What fictional character/s remind you of yourself? Uh the first one that actually came to mind was Violet from The Incredibles haha, primarily as a teenager though. As I am now, I majorly relate to the character Clearsight in the WoF series, probably more than any other fictional character I've encountered. I resonate quite a bit with Kiara from TLK too, always wanting peace and to follow her heart no matter what.

What's in your fridge right now? List as many things as you can think of. Uh there's milk, yogurt, cheese, water, I'm sure lunch meat, lettuce and I think other veggies, condiments, etc. Our fridge is actually pretty full right now, definitely more than usual.

If you could have any artist, living or dead, paint your portrait, who would it be? Absolutely Nana Qi, much more popularly known as puffygator in online spaces. She makes THE cutest art I've ever seen absolutely anywhere, I am a ginormous fan of her work and I think if anyone has any chance of making me look even REMOTELY cute, it's her, haha. I basically BEG you to check her out.

Do you smell anything in particular right now? No.

Do you make enough money to live comfortably? [can be in combination with a spouse] I personally make zero money, so. My mom doesn't though, we're technically considered impoverished. We survive solely off her disability right now. I'm trying so damn hard to find a job so I can actually be financially useful.

What is one thing you like about your appearance? Don’t say nothing! I just like my hair, or at least how healthy it is and its general style. Not happy with the color right now, but.

What would you like to tell your father? I wish I saw you more. It's not just his fault, though.

What would you like to tell your mother? Thank you for absolutely everything you do to keep me safe, happy, and healthy.

Whose was the last wedding you went to? Bethany and Spencer's as the photographer.

What is your greatest fear? Living alone on the streets.

What is a chronic health issue you deal with, even if it’s minor? I think depression is the longest-lasting and the one that has most heavily affected my life.

What was your college major? If applicable. It changed between Game Design, Photography, Wildlife Biology, and then Art/Photography again.

What new place have you been to recently? Nowhere, lol. I basically never go to new places.

What are you a geek about? Meerkats, Silent Hill, tarantulas, snakes, Rammstein if u didn't already kno, Shadow of the Colossus, other stuff. But those listed are the primary topics I can think of where if you bring them up I will share E V E R Y T H I N G I know under the sun about them lmfao

What is something you have no patience for? Anti-LGBTQ+ opinions and behaviors. Like you are immediately JUST garbage to me.

What celebrity would you want to go out for a meal/drinks with? None realistically, bit too personal an occasion for someone I don't personally know at all. Well, unless it was like, Bindi Irwin lmao, I would take basically any opportunity to get to know her and be friends. It'd be a lot less awkward of an idea because she's not a celebrity that I "like" in a romantic/sexual sense, either, I just think she's fucking incredible and such an icon of love and goodness.

Are you happy with your weight? Hell fucking no, sick and tired of it.

When did you last hold a baby, if ever? Whose? Over three years ago when my niece Emerson was born.

How many cats do you have? One.

How many dogs do you have? One.

How many other pets do you have? One (champagne ball python).

How old were you when you got your driver’s license? I haven't yet, and I don't really think I ever will just with how fucking terrified I am of driving; it's just a fear I don't think I can conquer. I COULD NOT survive killing someone if I was involved in a car crash, like I'd just straight-up fucking kill myself. My panic makes me a dangerously passive driver, and people who know they can't drive in a safe, confident (NOT to be confused with aggressive) manner don't need to be on the road. I'm very well aware of how inconveniencing it is for others that I can't drive, especially with where I live (public transport really isn't a regular or widespread thing), but I'd prefer to not kill or cripple somebody.

What year did you graduate high school? 2014.

What is the first number of your zip code? Two.

How many of your grandparents are still alive? Zero.

What is your favorite number? Honestly don't really have one. I like the dark myths of the number 13, but I don't have a strong fondness for it or anything.

How many kids do you want? IF I have children, I can't visualize a world where I have more than two.

How many apartments have you lived in? As an official, legal resident, zero, but basically two.

What age do people say you look? Very early 20s. Actually the artist who did my new tattoo thought I was like, literally 19 lmfao thanks I guess

Do you feel like your family accepts you for who you are? For the most part. I'm confident my mom fully does, but idk about the others.

Do you feel like your friends accept you for who you are? Yes. I have more liberty in picking my friends; if my friends that I choose aren't willing to accept me, uh bye, our "friendship" is a waste of time.

Who is the best doctor you’ve ever had? The psychiatrist that very literally turned my life around when I began my partial hospitalization program. I stayed with him for many years until insurance made it so I could no longer see him. This is actually what resulted in me being hospitalized again last March; I was so devastated and scared of leaving the ONE mental health professional that REALLY made a difference for me that I became suicidal again. He is an incredible professional with what seemed like a totally unending well of medical knowledge. In the same hospital, when I did the PHP a second time, the therapist that most regularly worked with me was my favorite I've ever had as well; I totally desperately wanted to stay with him once the program was over, but sadly he worked exclusively in that. I wanna emphasize I've been seeing psychiatrists and therapists since the 7th grade (who are around 12 or 13, and I'm 27 now), like I've seen SO FUCKING MANY, so calling you my favorite carries an insane amount of weight.

Have you ever been flipped off by a random stranger? Yes actually, while driving. It was a truck of teenage boys and when they (illegally) passed, multiple of them stuck their hand out the window to do it. My mom was fucking furious lmao, she did it right back.

Do you have a lot of people blocked on Facebook? Not many that I have a personal problem against; most are actually people my mother has asked me to block for a variety of reasons so they have no tabs on my family's lives. Then there's random people who've sent random suspicious or gross messages.

Do you consider yourself spiritual? To a degree. Like I do believe some sort of soul/"essence" of us exists, but that's the end of it. I know nothing about that realm or even if it really exists at all, and I worship nothing or hold nothing as truly holy or whatever.

Do you consider yourself religious? Absolutely not.

Are you afraid of spiders? No, not really; I actually love spiders, especially tarantulas, but I'm not going to pretend that if a big spider just randomly went down my arm I wouldn't freak out for a second, just because I hadn't been expecting it and most of my life I was scared of spiders, so the instinct to be startled is still there.

Are you afraid of snakes? I absolutely adore snakes with all my heart.

Does everyone in your family know your sexual orientation? Not exactly; I think everyone knows I like men and women, but I'm sure there are family members who'd still call me bi because they don't know I later realized I was really pan, AND I know there are a number who don't even know what pansexuality is lmao.

What is one thing you find offensive? Using the word "retarded" to insult someone's intelligence. My respect for you will fucking PLUMMET.

Do you often post about politics on social media? I share lots of political posts, yes.

Would you ever want to go back to school? I just can't do that. I've dropped out three times already, I can't keep pouring money straight down the drain.

What are three things you are naturally good at? Writing, bonding with animals, and I suppose seeing things in an artistic way?

What are three things you are NOT naturally good at? Socializing/talking confidently, asking for help (this does depend though), and thinking more with my head than my heart.

Is your dream to get married and have kids? No, my dream is to be happy with and proud of myself and feel like I made even a tiny difference in the world. I'd be bummed if I never do get married, but it's not my dream.

Where do you hang your towel to dry after showering? It goes in the laundry basket.

If you were the opposite sex, how would you style your hair? Idk, it'd very likely depend on how I look as a whole. I do know I love guys with long hair though, so I'd probably at least have longer hair... maybe. Part of the reason I keep mine short now is because I was bad at brushing it even nearly enough, so I'd probably have that problem as a man too.

Last person you hugged? It was either Girt, his mom, or his sister before leaving his place on Saturday.

How is the weather right now? It's sunny and WAY too motherfucking hot; my weather app says 86*F right now, disgusting.

Are you missing someone? I miss Girt really bad.

What is the wallpaper on your cell phone? Lock screen is artwork of Till Lindemann with the "Engel" wings prop, home screen is insanely cute meerkat artwork.

What do you have handy at your bedside? A lamp. If Girt's staying the night that's also where I put my phone.

What is your dad's middle name? John.

What is your mom's middle name? Marie.

First thing you'll save in a fire? If my mom is in there, I'm making sure she gets out first. If she's not, then I'd probably run and get Venus out of her terrarium first and then immediately look for Roman. I think I'd go for Venus first just because she's in a cage and is also a ball python so she wouldn't be going anywhere and is therefore super easy to find, while I'm sure Roman would probably be frantically running around or like paralyzed in a hiding spot. Really I wouldn't be surprised if Roman found a way out himself if there's an open window or door, being a cat. Deep hatred for this question btw lmao

#survey #surveys #random questions #personal questions

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katkenyon · 1 year

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1. I Wish It Wasn’t About The Numbers

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS MY PERSONAL RECOLLECTION AND I MAKE NO CLAIM TO EXPERTISE IN MEDICINE, RECOMMENDATIONS, OR PRETENSE TO WHY PEOPLE DO WHAT THEY DO. THIS IS JUST MY MEMORY OF WHAT HAPPENED TO ME, WHAT I’M DOING TO GET HEALTHY.

For many who deal with immune disorders, getting treatment is a horror story of being neglected, dismissed, rejected, and attacked. You’re added to the list of pain sufferers and the chronically ill. You aren’t a person, you’re an account number for a hospital. A statistic for the government. A profit line for big Pharma. Definitely not real. Sometimes not even to members of your family or friends who knew you before your body turned on you.

I'm one of those people.

A standard, sarcastic, aging Gen-X, ever-so-slightly malcontent. For those of you who love the generation comparisons, yes, I was a latchkey kid. I had almost no adult supervision in my tiny mountain town. I swam all summer, read all winter and every night, and was an absolute tomboy.

Which is making what I write normally, romance, absolutely hysterical.

On the surface, I was a very healthy child. During high school, I was what we would call overly scheduled. I did that to myself. In addition to my academic workload and extras, such as choir, I was athletic and did sports. The activities were strenuous, my pain tolerance was incredibly high, and I continued that into my early twenties. Life looked good.

Until what should have been a hiccup. A nothing.

The immunocompromised will recognize what I'm talking about because it’s happened to you. Most people go through their lives never worrying about small medical issues. A minor setback and they heal, but for me, this bump triggered a snowball that became an avalanche that has ruined my health. And changed the course of my life.

Currently, scientists claim about eighty autoimmune disorders exist. For those who don't know, your immune system’s network of cells is supposed to work together to defend against foreign viruses, bacteria, and infection. It's supposed to be smart. To be able to identify what's foreign and what isn't. However, when things go wrong, it can't do that.

The horror of autoimmune dysfunction.

When your immune system gets dumb, it attacks your body. And dumb bodies don't obey rules. It’s just destructive. We give the outcomes different names you may have heard:

Type 1 diabetes

Multiple sclerosis

Lupus

Rheumatoid arthritis

Some are rare and difficult to diagnose, but doctors regularly don’t recognize common ones. Sufferers can go years, even decades, before getting their symptoms diagnosed, and then treatments are often either unavailable or too expensive. That doesn't begin to address medical bias. Women are the ones most frequently affected by autoimmune disorders by a significant percentage, and experience provider bias on a regular basis.

When your body is the enemy, you ask why. Why is this happening? My experience has been that the doctors will do one of a few things: blame you, pretend it doesn’t exist and that you’re crazy, or they throw up their hands and ignore it.

I’m not alone. Many I’ve talked to have similar experiences.

It's your fault.

You’re fine.

We don't know. Here, take this drug.

I can't tell you how painful it is to be told any of these messages. Because none of these are true.

Research shows that genetics and environmental factors, along with the food industrial complex, bear a far bigger part in the current state of health in this country than anyone wants to admit.

The refusal to accept this may be the reason the generic autoimmune problem is on the rise in the United States. And I am one of those people.

A light at the end of the tunnel.

I began to get sick at twenty-six. I am forty-eight now. My slow slide into illness took me to a moment in my late 30s when I thought for a second that I would not make it.

It was scary. The girl who jumped off bridges, went to swing night, was coughing so hard she broke her ribs. She could barely walk. Couldn't work.

I wasn't me.

I’m now in a new program at the Cleveland Clinic. I feel better than I have in over ten years. While those years I lost may be gone, I plan to make the next few the best I've had. I'll share what they're recommending that's helping. Because those of us left behind by normal medicine need to stick together.

Our bodies may be dumb, but we aren't. And we aren't alone.

My journey is available on Kindle Vella.

https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B0BXL7GN4S

#dumbbodiesbrilliantminds

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lets-talk-spirituality · 1 year

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I got so excited that you mentioned Maslows needs pyramid,😭I LOVE philosophy so much 🤓😭 and wow another amazing post ? I'm in awe truly once again thank you so much for this!! And a question do you think this approaching class warefare will be in 2023? If not when it will or might become biggest concern for the entire world if ever? How long is this warfare will last And I wonder what will the outcome?👀thank youu

Thanks! I love the needs hierarchy too because it is so helpful to see where you fall and to in general help you identify needs.

Hmm well I’m not exactly sure on timeline. In America there’s been a lot in the news about the potential railroad workers striking but congress passed a law against it. Which not a fan of. Congress should’ve just passed mandatory federal paid sick days, but plot twist, all politicians are capitalists and put companies and productivity above human lives. One day it’s gonna cost them.

Idk about the entire world. I mean we have been seeing protests in Iran, and China. I think across the board people are tired of being restricted and limited. I think it’s sort of like the hierarchy of needs, wealthier countries are higher up on where they can focus than others. But a lot of poorer nations are that way from colonist and capitalist intervention and I wonder if the west stopped plundering from them and making them dependent on aid so we can always look like the savior, if those countries would have the chance to evolve and become more stable in themselves.

Hmm I think you’ve seen class warfare crop up throughout human history. I mean during the Industrial Revolution in a America you saw workers striking. I think humanity has gone through the same cycles repeatedly but as a collective won’t change. Maybe it’s not meant to. Idk but it frustrates the hell out of me. Because the choice is so obvious.

What I think will happen is the economy in America and across the connected west is gonna continue to have issues and this will lead to protests like we saw in Greece after the housing crisis. I think the American people are gonna have to figure out how to come together to fight for higher pay and better treatment and the only way to do that is to bring capitalism to a halt. Capitalism relies on cheap labor and when no one works. We’re already seeing a hiring crisis. Yeah we added more jobs but they’re all jobs no one wants because they are shitty and don’t pay well. Will the capitalist overlords respond with better conditions to appease the masses a bit longer? Maybe. I mean I think a lot of politicians can see the building unrest, which is part of why I think it seems they’re focusing on policies to help “the little guy” even while really changing nothing at the core. If this goes the way I sort of think, people will progressively get more and more fed up and societal structure will slowly erode (we’re already seeing this) and at some point we will have mass protests across America, like with BLM, and this will inspire the working classes in other countries to protest. I think we will begin seeing strikes in whole sectors, specifically shipping, like fed ex and Amazon workers.

What will be the outcome? I hope a better world system, but if human history has taught me anything it’s that they may make a fix that leads us collectively up slightly but it won’t be the overhaul of the system we all need to see. I say this as someone who’s worked in a lot of bureaucracy. What we have doesn’t work. It’s not working. We can’t just keep sticking bandaids on things because we will bleed out. We pay people to sit at work and do nothing and barely pay our teachers, nurses, and mental health and social workers. We barely pay EMTs. All these choices to keep businesses profitable by fucking the workers is gonna create serious issues. I’ve been seeing it happen the past few years as more and more essential jobs can’t recruit people. I used to work in local government and we raised our hourly positions multiple times to attempt to be competitive. All this to say I think this will be a slow build that will erupt and the government will make some reforms without inherently changing the core issues which means we’ll have another cycle in the future again. Humanity hates change and does it only when the other option is destruction. I’m still waiting to see what happens to the planet too. Climate change is a whole other issue, so maybe we’ll just let rich people destroy the only planet we know that supports life and then human issues like class and workers rights won’t matter.

It’s not that I don’t think humanity can change. I’m not hopeless fully. It’s just they refuse to do what needs to happen. So there’s that! All you can do is work on being the best you you can be and hopefully if all of us work on ourselves it creates energy of change that reaches the people who have the power to choose differently.

#ask box #class war #world issues

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