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ioniiaa · 3 months

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My Darling, My Honey

Alastor X Fem!Reader (Part 5)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5

Quick Notes:

This is when both reader/you and Alastor are both alive. (... we'll probably end up in hell later on btw so stay tuned...)

Reader is an artist/painter.

Part 5:

It was almost pure bliss.

Except many months later, you found out a secret of his one day.

He was an exceptional chef, you were always in awe of how he cooked such magnificent dishes every day.

But one day, you peeked out into the forest through the window in the living room and saw Alastor standing alone, covered in blood. Your first instinct was to run outside, so you did just that.

You rush to his side and ask if he's okay, and what had happened to make him covered in such copious amounts of blood.

He blinks a few times before oddly turning his head to you, breaking out of his stupor, "Oh my dearest (y/n), do not fret so. For I am only acquiring our dinner for tonight!"

You look down at what he is holding in his hands. Your hand shot up to cover your mouth. A leg. A human leg. Your eyes then trail to the ground where you see a bloody human body, mangled beyond recognition. "This is.. dinner?"

A large grin appears on Alastor's face, "Quite right! This one should be enough to last us through the week!"

He looks at your face with an almost vicious look to his eyes, awaiting your response anxiously, not that he would let that show, anyways.

All you can manage is "Oh. Okay." Before you walk back inside the house without another word.

It's no exaggeration to say that your brain chemistry was permanently altered from that moment onward.

The situation felt so strange and bizarre, you didn't know what to think. Part of you knew that was he's been doing is extremely horrible and corrupt. It almost made you empty the contents of your stomach, it didn't feel real.

It didn't feel real, but suddenly some of Alastor's behaviors started to make sense. His picky taste for food...He never let you help with cooking, you had chalked it up to him being more of a perfectionist, but now... you know its more than that. He was hiding the fact that he was butchering and preparing human flesh, right in your very home, all this time.

But.. for some reason... all you could think about was how dedicated he was to providing a comfortable life for you, because he truly loved you. Everything he did every day showed you that you mattered and that you deserved only the best.

"But I still love him with all my heart... maybe I'm just as messed up..." Was a sentence your mind kept repeating to itself for quite some time.

Your appetite shrinks after the initial shock for a few days, but you were never one to skip meals or have your appetite be gone completely, even if you were sick. In this instance, you weren't sure if it was a blessing or a curse in this case.

The meals he made for you had never made you sick in the past, so your body was already used to eating his cooking, and he made such amazing food, carefully crafted with such love and attention to detail, you couldn't help but keep eating his delicious cooking, no matter how bizarre and immoral it was.

"I think I really am just as messed up..." The thought crossed your mind again, but thoughts were interrupted by a rare occurrence, a kiss on the cheek from Alastor as he set your plate down in front of you.

The fact that you never stopped eating his cooking and always thanked him for his food and hard work, even after knowing where the main ingredient comes from, solidified the fact that you were the one. You loved him even after seeing him all bloody, holding a dismembered corpse, and telling you it was dinner. It was this pivotal moment that he knew, that you were the one to be his beloved forever.

In the coming weeks, things went back to "normal". You were settling into the new normal, as Alastor didn't hide the meal prep like he used to, and seeing him bloody and bringing in mysterious cuts of meat into the house became a normal sight to you.

One night when you were going to see Mimzy, Alastor informed you that he was unable to escort you that night. You were a little disappointed, but he assured you it was okay for you to go, it was just that he had plans that he wouldn't divulge any information on, no matter how much you pressed him.

Little did you know, but that night, Alastor was out on the town shopping for the perfect ring to propose to you with.

-> Part 6

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firebunnylover · 9 months

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You🤝Me

Legion of Superheroes permanently altering our brain chemistry at a formative age

the serotonin this show gives me is unquestionable

They were the queer couple that very closeted me didn't know I needed but appreciated as I entered middle and high school environments.

and also one of the prettiest morally grey characters of all time who I appreciate being queer coded and confirmed in comics who was really my gateway drug into relating hard to villains (aka the foretelling of my obsession with Loki)

#losh #legion of superheroes #brainysupes #legion of super heroes #superman #brainiac 5 #mekt ranzz

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nectaric · 11 months

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happy birthday, zeus !! (may 24)

in honour of ten years of zeus birthdays (and 11 years of writing him), i wanted to do a little something to celebrate all my amazing roleplay partners and talk about how important y'all have been in either a) influencing my writing, b) influencing my portrayal, or c) being a reason i want to come here and write ten years later.

as many of you know (or are about to learn), zeus has been the actual love of my life for over a decade now. he was one of the first characters i ever roleplayed, and i have stuck with him pretty consistently this whole time. i could wax poetic forever about how much he means to me, and how important writing him has been in my life, but i'll spare you all a glimpse into my crazy. just know, zeus means the world to me. and if he has gone through growth in all the time we've worked together, then so have i. i was an extremely nerdy, extremely obsessive little teenager in her basement bedroom with big dreams and now i'm married, working the job i have always wanted, with a beautiful dog and big plans. it feels kinda crazy that i get to share so much of that with all of you.

and so many of you amazing people have been apart of that journey or have just joined and are giving me reasons to keep writing!

it wouldn't be right if i didn't start off with @ichoric. accepting me into your little roleplay group almost 11 years ago literally changed the trajectory of my life. you are literally one of my best friends in the entire world - we have seen each other grow through so much, have been there for each other through good shit and the bad. not only have you seriously influenced me as a writer through all of our shenanigans (drowning hazel, titans 2, scary ares, the time we sat next to each other on my couch and roleplayed the entire aphrares wedding for hours), but you have genuinely influenced me as a person. forget how much i love your portrayals, and the depth and creativity you pour into them, so much life and love and intensity that is a delight to behold - but so much of becoming who i am now has been with you at my side and i love you so much i'm lowkey crying as i type this. thank you for 10 + great years and i can't wait for more!

@kissofthemuses amber, i think getting to write zeus / hera with you permanently altered my brain chemistry. its crazy to think about just how long we've actually known each other -- but getting to see everything you get up to, all your cosplaying and adventures, has been a gift <3 not only do i feel like i have become a more mature individual thanks to being taken under your wing a little, but i also feel as though my zeus has fundamentally changed because of your portrayal and that's so powerful.

@pistolslinger nat maybe i'm just an emotional goober but you have always been such a beacon of light on my dash, long before you went off and became a crow. writing with you has always been so wonderful and enriching and i just know i can count on your for a laugh or heartbreak or general tomfoolery. never mind that you're so kind and open to everyone you seem to come across, but you're also really talented??? in so many ways???? i still think about our jason n zeus superhero au sometimes. incredible, thank you <3

@stygicniron talk about an og!!! hilary, we have been writing together for so long and every interaction is an absolute gem. you and i have been in the trenches of this fandom and somehow come out the other side relatively unscathed and i know part of that is how kind and wonderful and creative you are, but also because of how talented and solid your portrayal of nico is. i have seen few people have as good of a grasp on a character as you and its always an absolute joy to get to write anything with you. thank you for coming on this journey with me!!

@littleblackqrow khristle, you have been such a constant in my online life for years its genuinely difficult to remember a time before we followed each other and wrote together. the fact that i get to write with you despite fandom changes (because you have impeccable taste) is really so awesome and i've just really loved getting to write with you, talk with you ooc, and just experience being your rp partner for so long. between apollo, qrow, and grif, we've written so many heartwrenching and hilarious things, and i'm just super grateful you've been here !

@rheaeaseandflow marie i think you are one of the people i have been writing with the longest and don't think that goes unnoticed! your rhea is incredible and has honestly helped me to form so many important headcanons and opinions about my own characters that i think is so significant. you have always been this kind, warm, welcoming presence who i always look forward to writing with, and when i think about the "early days" of zeus i often think of you!

@singofus apis i literally cannot imagine this little corner of the rp world without you. i think greek myth and you are one of the first people who comes to mind. i remember when you and i both wrote significantly less muses on different blogs, but now we're here with our hoard, and our beautiful little headcanons we're still getting to develop, and its genuinely made my time here so much more enjoyable! you're so creative and thoughtful and you have seriously influenced so many of my portrayals i wouldn't even know where to start. here's to a lot more writing, and a lot more time well spent!

@asoulunbound krys!!! greek myth without you is like a pb&j without the pb. you occupy such an important space in this community and also just. in my world and i genuinely appreciate how much thought you put into your muses and the generosity you show to others. not to mention, the fact that you and i engage in very similar niche communities makes me feel so much more connected to you and i enjoy getting to write with you and see you on my dash so much !

@seekesotsibteadmist kyrian if there was an award for most supportive roleplayer ever it would be you. i feel so seen by you and you're so encouraging no matter what the circumstances are. i love getting to write with you (honestly, i could be better about it) because i can just feel the love and creativity you throw into S. i always enjoy getting an ask from you or seeing your ic posts and i am so grateful to have you in my little world, so thank you.

@seaprofound another day, another og !! gods sunny i feel like we have known each other for decades at this point - i think of this rpc, and i think about you and the constant beacon of sunshine (pun intended) you have always been. the absolute depth of your devotion to poseida is astounding and your love and care for the people around you is an example i think a lot of us could learn from. thank you for being so authentic and kind and creative and a part of my life for so long!!!

@stolenbythegods beth i know we don't write as much together these days but i will genuinely never forget you or ganymede or how much fun we have had writing together. you are so talented and sweet and i adore your ganymede with everything i have. your portrayal has altered the way i view not only zeus and gany's relationship, but also how i view zeus, and that's a really big achievement in my books. i miss you, and i'm so grateful for you!

@kallistcs unni aside from the level of sheer talent you possess and the care and detail you pour into your portrayals (which i appreciate so much my heart is FULL), you have also always been the one who swoops in and saves my day. i feel like i can always count on you to be the voice of reason to my emotionally driven, passionate rants about vague myth concepts with your frankly impressive knowledge of myth that i both admire and envy (fondly <3). i love having you around and i genuinely enjoy our threads so much i look forward to getting to write them every time i log on (even if i am Slow)

@saccharic MY SON !!! giuli. i'm not even going to talk about writing because you are talented and ily and i enjoy it but that's not what matters here. i remember when you were abt 14 and i have gotten the joy of watching you grow and become so so so successful and such a wonderful little lady and i could not be more of a proud dad. i feel like this is such a rare gift and i cherish it, i really do

this is a shoutout to others who have been a constant on my dash and who have contributed significantly to how much i enjoy being here. you're all wonderful, and talented, and i'm absolutely grateful to have you around <3

@appleyed @eriny3s @eileithyiia @anthcs @tragillary @ofprevioustimes @reastless @deadshe @luxcruor @thecs @withinycu

and to those of you who i haven't written with much yet, but who i genuinely look forward to writing more with! thank you for following me and letting me invade your space <3

@caeloservare @candlewick-corporation @aestasrosis @sunguns @hxntresses @unseenking @allbains @kuokuana @eiiskonigin @noirbeast

#posting this early because i have a busy day tomorrow and i'm worried i won't have time to finish it and post #save.#i just have a lot of feelings about this rpc and about roleplaying in general and #its been a long freaking time and i just want to celebrate all the wonderful people who have made my time here a treat

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goldenteaset · 8 months

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You know, on the matter of Granblue's Dearest Friend event, since you wrote about it

I did like it a lot, but I think I liked the concept much more than the execution. It felt a bit dragged out at times and the ending by contrast felt extremely rushed and was overall a bit confusing.

But I'll be the first person to admit that I lost my mind when they told us "Yeah, it's gonna be a high school event and Belial and Lucilius will be there"

Just. Unforgettable. Iconic. Incredible.

Also it was fun to look into the meanings of their name and go full insane conspiracy theorist, I remember going a bit off the deep end back then

I'll also freely admit that I'm a bit deranged and deep in withdrawal, so whatever crumb of Belial they're willing to throw me, I'll eat it up, but he was undoubtedly the high point of the event

He and Lucilius, who fits surprisingly well into a high school setting, his entire "I'm gonna kill God because life sucks" mentality is peak 14 year old

But the one moment that elevated the event for me, is etched forever into the inside of my skull and permanently altered my brain chemistry is the Oribe raid battle where he pulled out his belt to beat you with

It was so unexpected and yet so fitting and perfect and to this day I think about Belial proper using the many, many belts he wears with every outfit for things other than keeping his pants just barely on his hips

Not necessarily just for hitting people, but also tying them up, I could even see him using them as a makeshift leash to drag his hapless victims around with. The sky is truly the limit

I'm sorry for bringing that into your inbox, but I felt the need to confess my sins

Anyway, big fan of your work <3

It's more than okay, nightmarenoise!! I'm really hyped, in fact. :D

From the top: I fully admit I'm that weirdo who loves when a story ambles along, but that aside I agree with you about the ending! The writers didn't need to use Lyria and Vyrn as apologetic mouthpieces "not going to Auguste this year". The ending would've worked a lot better if they hadn't done that, I think.

...Though speaking of that ending, if it turns out that Dearest Friend was written out of chronological order with "something else" (read: whatever's planned for Belial), I'd believe it.

The names! God I wanted Oribe to be a "shining prince" ("Akihiko") so badly, but it works on an ironic level. Maybe he's like that with his girls?

At this point I'm also in withdrawal but cooking frantically, so I understand. ^^; The crumbs are quite enjoyable but am excited for something more filling. (And it'll happen! They gave us Adam and Caro almost back to back...)

"I'm gonna kill God because life sucks" mentality is peak 14 year old I've been clapping like a seal at this for the past few minutes, thank you for the joy~

THE BELT. It was truly a life-changing moment! I always wondered why, besides accessories, he had so many, and then suddenly we knew! He could even try to pick a belt that matched the lover's taste... *v*

The entirety of that "All three of us, together~" combo still turns me into a squeeing mess (and the times he's been around Lyria after that haven't helped), but The Belt absolutely did leave a strong impression! "You need a spanking and I'm the man to do it", and then lo, he did...

Thank you again! Both for the ask and being a fan~ :D

#asks #granblue fantasy #belial gbf #nightmarenoise #thank you!

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alchemania · 6 months

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hi!! so uh i just wanted to say your wanderer and furina dynamic is so cute

as someone who mains furina and wanderer they are the center of my heart and they deserve other characters who care about them. i love that wanderer is mad on her behalf the same way i wished traveller would have been???

like this is the emotional catharsis. it’s the blue hair and the trauma and the pseudo-archon status for me ;-;

they have my whole heart i love your writing and i hope you have a lovely day!!! may your day be filled with only good feelings.

FJFJGFHFJ OH MY GOD I'M GONNA CRY????

YOUUUUUUU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT AND LEAVE I AM GOING TO GIVE YOU A HUG !!!! WAAAAAGH

Fellow Wanderer main hey hey!!! I don't actually have Furina yet but I am working on it haha, pulling whenever I can (I have a guaranteed so it is only a matter of time now). I heard she's a good support for Wanderer as well, so all the more reason to slap em on a team together.

Scaramouche has been the center of my heart ever since he showed up way back in the beginning of the game, and while I liked Furina from the start too, she wormed her way into my heart after the archon quest. She is LOVELY, and after being enlightened to her and Wanderer's parallels I scooped them both up like little wet kitties just "okay they must be friends now i need em to talk" and I just took that and ran and didn't look back. They're like top tier platonic dynamic for me now these two have permanently altered my brain chemistry.

Lord knows these two need people who care about them, I also wish the Traveler would have been angrier on Furina's behalf. Like they saw all her pain and loneliness and suffering and just. The reaction seemed so odd. . but it is okay cuz I have decided Wanderer will be her biggest defender. He gets being a means to an end. He gets being abandoned and feeling like there is no one to trust, and I think after yk getting past how prickly he is, they'd just get each other.

IT REALLY IS THE BLUE HAIR AND TRAUMA..

Of course you have blue hair and attachment issues and a complicated relationship with self image and your creator and divinity...HVY really made Wanderer and went oh banger!!!! Another one!!

Thank you very much for your kind words I really just be yelling into the void when I write sometimes I just jot down what comes to me and hold it up like Simba.

I hope you have a lovely day too, take care of yourself!! ❤️

#you guys are so sweet jesus christ #im gonna sob im hugging you all

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unbridgeabledistances · 3 years

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Prompt: About the 87% scene. Could you write about Mickey lying about having a "boyfriend" when he was in Mexico. And telling Ian that afterall he didn't have his whole Heart because of that "boyfriend". Ian realizing that the way he said those things weren'te the best. Then the confrontation, they talk about it and are cute with one another

anon i am CRYING mickey would 1000% do this!!! why did the writers not make this happen

(actually i’m glad they didn’t, bc these boys don’t need any more drama)

here’s my take (since we all need a little gallavich before the next episode!), hope u enjoy<3

“I guess everyone I’ve been with gets a little piece of my heart”

Mickey froze where he was standing, by the toilet bowl and the dust-covered bathroom shelves, and felt his heart sink. The fuck is he talking about?

“Wait, everyone?”

“Yeah. Yup.” Ian froze for a moment, his toothbrush hanging out of the corner of his mouth. “Okay, maybe not everybody. You don’t feel the same way?”

Mickey could almost wince. Fucking Gallagher—didn’t Ian know he was the only guy Mickey had really been with, because Ian was the only one that mattered? Instantly, Mickey thought back to all of the sloppy and excruciatingly boring hookups he’d had with women—back before he came out and was constantly putting on a show, was burying who he really was deep beneath the ground.

Ian looked at him earnestly, toothbrush still half in his mouth, with those steady green eyes Mickey could always get lost in—the only thing keeping Mickey afloat during those darker days, when he felt like everything else was pulling him under. Ian was the only person who had ever made Mickey’s heart race or his palms sweaty, the only fucking person who made Mickey feel like he was here for a reason, no matter what bullshit life threw at him. Ian was the center of Mickey’s existence, and he always had been—how could that asshole not realize that no one else Mickey’d been with could ever compare to him?

“No, I don’t. Y’know what, fuck you” is what Micket wanted to say—he felt the words about to launch off the tip of his tongue. Instead, before he knew what he was doing, Mickey lied.

“Uhhhhh. I guess, man. Y’know, I had that thing down in Mexico with, uh, Julio.” Mickey looked down at his bare feet on the tiled bathroom floor, knowing that Ian would see right through him if he looked directly in his eyes.

Ian’s eyebrows raised in genuine confusion as he leaned over the sink. “Julio? Who the fuck is Julio?” Ian sputtered as he spit out a mouthful of foamy toothpaste.

“Were you not listening, smartass? He was my… my lover. I was in Mexico a long time before I snitched on the cartel and threw my life away for your ass.”

Ian stood up and placed his toothbrush in a cup on the shelf above the sink, turning to look at Mickey, who finally raised his gaze from the linoleum. Ian didn’t look hurt, which was what Mickey was aiming for— more than anything, Ian just looked thoroughly confused, and maybe a little bit amused.

“You’ve never mentioned anything about some dude named Julio, Mick. Where’d you meet him?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know, Gallagher.”

Mickey stormed out of the bathroom, and turned the corner into their bedroom. It was this fucking quarantine, that was the problem—the same way that they were down each other’s throats when they were cramped together in a tiny jail cell. They were so used to the lack of each other that being together always seemed to make a mess of things. Ian didn’t actually mean that he had been in love with other people— right?

People annoyed Mickey, mostly— sex was sex, just another bland part of his bland life of doing runs for his dad, living in his fucked-up household, getting drunk with his brothers. And then one day, Ian came bursting through his door. Mickey would never forget that first time that he and Ian were together— in his opinion, that day probably permanently altered his brain chemistry or some shit. The day that he was laying in bed, woken up by a pale-faced angel whose chest was just as smooth and beautifully pale and freckled as the skin on his face and hands. And Mickey was also covered with skin, that was apparently covered with super-powered nerve endings that hadn’t done a goddamn thing his whole life, but came alive like ice and fire and bee stings as soon as Ian touched him. Wherever Ian touched him.

Sex was just sex to Mickey, for so long—but sex with Ian was on an entirely different plane of existence.

And the thought of Ian being like that with someone else, especially during that time when Mickey was locked up and there was a wall of plexiglass between them, a wall Mickey had put there himself when all he was doing was trying to protect Ian from Sammi’s bullshit; well, it made Mickey’s stomach churn.

Ian followed Mickey out of the bathroom and leaned on the doorframe of their bedroom, like he knew Mickey needed some space. “You and this Julio guy, you were like, together?”

Mickey kept his gaze downward as he put on a wrinkled shirt. “Hell yeah, man. We lived in a shack by the beach, fucked all day long. You don’t know everything about me, Gallagher.”

“I guess not.” Ian mused, still looking like he half didn’t believe Mickey. “So, uh. This Julio guy. You’re saying he has a piece of your heart?”

“Oh yeah, a big ol’ chunk of it. You aren’t special, Gallagher. In fact, he might have a bigger piece than you do, with all the fucking bickering we’ve been doing lately,” Mickey spat out as he pulled on his shoes.

Ian rolled his eyes, but sensing Mickey’s tension, he kept talking. “Mick, you know I didn’t mean it. You have the majority of my heart. The vast majority.”

Mickey scoffed, feeling more pissed off than ever. “Oh, yeah? How much is that, exactly?”

“I don’t know… 87%?”

Mickey looked at Ian, charging up for a fight. “Fuck you. That’s not enough.”

“It is enough, Mick. I’ve been with so many people I can barely remember their names. You know what it was like at the club. That’s 87% for you, and 13% for every other meaningful connection I’ve ever had in the years we were apart—that seems pretty stacked to me.”

“Yeah, well, joke’s on you, motherfucker, because you don’t even have that much of my heart, anyways. In fact, maybe I’ll go back down to fucking Mexico and see if Julio’s still around.”

Ian rolled his eyes. “Mick, calm down. You don’t mean that.”

“I do, asshole. Excuse me for thinking I had your whole heart, instead of pissing away 13% of it while I was locked behind bars and tattooing your fucking name onto my chest.” Mickey turned to where Ian was blocking the doorway. “You gonna let me through?”

Ian sighed, gently putting a hand up to Mickey’s chest to stop him from barreling past into the hallway. “Okay, listen, all that shit came out wrong. You know you’re the only one that matters.”

Mickey looked at Ian’s hand on his chest, then looked up and to meet Ian’s gaze. “Do I?” he said, in a softer voice than he realized.

Ian smirked, and let his arms glide up Mickey’s chest and around his shoulders, locking him in close. “Hey. Of course you are. You’re the only one I ever wanted to be with forever.”

“Fuck you,” Mickey said earnestly, but he didn’t try to shake himself from Ian’s grasp.

Ian let his hands roam up to cradle the back of Mickey’s head in his hands, making sure he had Mickey’s undivided attention. “Listen. All those people, like Ned or Kash or whoever, they were all an important part of me becoming who I am, and nothing can change that. But they’re all a part of our love story, Mick. They’re all… minor characters, on the path of me getting to marry you.”

Now Mickey was the one rolling his eyes, his tough exterior finally starting to melt. “Yeah, okay softie.” His eyes flickered downward, in one last moment of vulnerability. “It’s just… it’s hard to forget all the stuff I missed out on, all the time we both coulda had. Time where you were with other people and not me.”

Ian pecked Mickey’s forehead, holding him in close. “Yeah, well, we have plenty of time now. Almost too much time. So much time that we’re ripping each other’s heads off.”

Mickey leaned back, and smirked. “Well, I’ve got a pretty good idea of what we can do with all that time on our hands, Mr. Milkovich.”

Ian leaned in closer, Mickey’s face millimeters from his. “Oh yeah?”

As Mickey leaned in to close the gap between their lips, he felt the nerve endings all over his body going fucking crazy again—maybe it had been a bumpy path for them both, and maybe he’d lost some of Ian along the way, but he couldn’t deny that this was worth the wait.

#ty for the prompt!<3 #gallavich #gallavich fic #shameless #ian x mickey #ian gallagher #mickey milkovich

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hvilested · 3 years

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Infatuation Is a Temporary Illusion: How to Escape the Pain

LucyJul 14, 2020

As a neuroscientist, I am fascinated by infatuation; it's such a strong, mysterious phenomenon, yet is entirely scientifically-explainable.

This Too Shall Pass

I will start this by saying that however deep and impossible your situation feels, you will leave this infatuated state. There will be a day when you can think about this special person without any type of pain or passion. You will remember how strongly you felt towards them while they didn't have the same feelings for you, and it will seem completely crazy that you were so stuck in limerence.

Albeit cliché, the concept that time is the only thing that will make you feel less magnetically drawn to someone who you cannot be with is true. You cannot magic away these feelings, because they are a strong illusion created by chemicals in your brain. Over time, your neurobiology will balance out again and this person, who is acting as a potent stimulus, will no longer inspire the same physiological response in you. Thinking about your situation scientifically helps, as it steers you away from thinking in terms of romance and delusion.

What Is an Infatuation?

Are you currently struggling with huge, incredibly deep feelings for someone that you will never be with? We use the term 'infatuation' (also limerence) to describe the state of being utterly enamored by and obsessed with someone; it is the wildest thing that a human can experience in the sober, baseline state. The invisible pull that you feel will seem so novel and colossal in strength that, if experiencing infatuation for the first time, you will be certain that you will 'never feel this again', and that this person is 'the one'. After all, your body and mind react so strongly and surely to them that it is impossible to imagine a life worth living that doesn't have them at the center of it. This is not the case, as you will experience several infatuations in your life if you are prone to them.

Due to differing genetics and brain chemistry, some people are more prone to entering limerence than others; in fact, some will never experience this roller coaster of euphoria and insecurity. Unrequited crushes are normal and not too much of an issue; unrequited infatuation not only encompasses incredibly powerful attraction, admiration and a general feeling of 'love' towards the subject, but is also agonizing and depressive by nature.

If the infatuated cannot be with the person that they desire, they will likely enter a deep depression and will feel completely out of order for weeks or months, until the feelings fade or they gain closure. Irrational thoughts and misery normally accompany this rollercoaster experience, as well as physical symptoms such as elevated libido and lack of appetite (due to an excess of dopamine in the brain).

Is It a Normal Crush or an Infatuation?

You may wonder how we can define things as vague and fluid as romantic feelings. However, the line between a healthy crush and a problematic infatuation is not as thin as it seems. Crushes can be unwanted and painful, bringing ups and downs into our lives, but a true infatuation blows a crush out of the water. If deeply infatuated with someone that you cannot be with, you will think irrational thoughts such as 'I want to die - X isn't in my life and everything else makes me miserable'.

These thoughts are falsehoods, for the world is so open that you will definitely encounter other people (as well as places, music and even fashion trends) that you find fascinating.

If you are simply experiencing a romantic crush, you will find the person very appealing and may intensely want to date them, but there will be less feeling than there is in limerence - less hormonal influence, less joy, and less crying. The highs will be less euphoric, sure, but the lows will not be nearly as crushing as those experienced in the limerent state.

The difference between a crush and an infatuation is that the former allows you to enjoy the warm feelings and be in control of your emotions, while the latter is extremely unhealthy and causes the sufferer a lot of pain if they cannot be with the person they desire. A crush may feel very strong and you may want to act differently to charm the subject of your feelings, but it will never be as delusional., destructive and fantasy-based as a true infatuation is.

So, how does one differentiate between the two? In short, if you feel so distraught that you cannot be with the person that you are googling for solutions, crying before bed and upon waking, losing interest in activities that you normally love, struggling to imagine a future without the person in your life, you are definitely infatuated and not crushing. If you treat this emotional conundrum as if it were a drug addiction, you will stop feeling this way in a matter of weeks or months.

Why Do People Become Infatuated in the First Place?

Most people go through their lives organically forming healthy 'crushes'; even when not actively seeking a partner, they will encounter a few people a year that will grab their attention and seem irresistible. After all, this is biologically advantageous; we are mammals and are meant to pursue, and eventually reproduce with, those that we deem physically and emotionally intriguing.

Having said this, I will clarify that your sexual orientation is totally unimportant in your ability to develop all-consuming, raging feelings for someone. This level of feeling is just as prevalent between people of the same gender as it is between those of opposite genders. However, we are wired to pursue, bond with and care for other human beings for the sole reason of reproduction and the survival of our species. If someone is infatuated with someone of the same gender, they will experience the same concoction of erratic emotions as a straight person. Neurochemical changes will temporarily dominate your life regardless of the perceived likelihood of the passing on of your genes.

infatuations

Rupi Kaur

What to Do? Understand That Your Feelings Are Scientifically-Explainable and Never Permanent

The wild array of feelings that come along with any form of attraction may seem intangible and wondrous, but they are caused by altered levels of different neurotransmitters. Focusing on the science behind such a strong human experience is crucial in dealing with the pain that it can cause you.

Reject dwelling in the infatuation too much. It's incredibly tempting to spend hours writing and lamenting about the subject of your "love", only to enter an even more heightened state of delusion. Even if this isn't your first infatuation and you saw that you got over your last one, remember that, naturally, you will be convinced that this person is the one and that you are ruining your life by missing out on being with them.This is nonsense and is your brain tricking you!

The best way to avoid falling into this nauseating, fantasy-driven loop of obsessing and fantasising and despairing is to understand the science behind this crazy human experience.

It is also incredibly comforting to know that unrequited infatuation very rarely lasts for more than 6-8 months, and often will fizzle out incredibly suddenly and much earlier than this. This is because infatuation is neither logical nor grounded at all. It is so, so ephemeral by nature; one day you will look back at this period of your life and it will seem like a wild but distant dream. Trust me on that one.

However, to break this person-addiction habit and ensure you never, ever cry over unrequited love again, you'll need to dig very deep and be committed to recovery. Your external world is a mere reflection of your beliefs and what you allow to imprint itself into your subconscious mind. By meeting your psychological needs healthily and treating unhealed wounds, you will become completely, 100% immune to infatuation/limerence. Potential partners will sparkle to you, make your heart sing and you'll be able to transition into real relationships with them instead of you manifesting unrequited love and crying spells. I promise you this.

infatuations

Feeling Something Intensely Doesn't Mean It's Permanent

Don't get confused and think that, just because you feel such strong passion for this person, your feelings will 'last forever' and you will 'never get over them'. For some reason, when us humans experience something intense or profound, we do what no other animals do and we introduce a poignant aspect of eternality to the situation. It's a huge logical fallacy to think 'I feel strongly about X, hence I will ALWAYS feel this way', yet we all do it. Our tragic flaw is, in many ways, that we are aware of time and the future and cannot simply live in the moment and deal with whatever strong feelings we are experiencing as they come and go.

If you think about, a large part of your pain is that you feel that you won't ever have a happy, fulfilled, exciting life without this individual. After all, they've inspired so much energy in you and you haven't felt this way with anyone else before. The truth is that, no, your infatuation will not last long and will certainly not be permanent.

Infatuation has a shelf-life because it is based in the fantasy and reality cannot maintain it. It is such idealisation and irrationality that, once the real world creeps in and you become aware that your feelings are unfounded and inappropriate, they will naturally dissipate. It is for this reason that couples who feel 'infatuated' often become bored after around 6 months. They aren't experiencing that surge of initial attraction or the wondrous mystery that their partner made them feel when they first met, because they were simply infatuated then and didn't really know their partner.

What Does It Mean If You're Prone To Infatuation?

Being a neuroscientist, my attention has been drawn to the fact that those of us who fall into infatuations are 1. prone to this state (experience it over and over again until they learn precisely how to treat the root cause, even if each "episode" feels novel and "different this time"), and 2. we are people who feel things very intensely.

Now, I am aware that virtually every single person on this planet feels certain things strongly and irrationally, but a limerence really is at the top of the scale in terms of intensity, especially since mental illness is usually thrown into the mix. Nearly every single person who I have seen who has fallen into a deep infatuation has been on the spectrum for severe depression, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder (BPD) or OCD (meaning, they could obtain a psychiatric diagnosis for one of these illnesses).

I don't want to scare you; I am a firm believer that we all sit on spectrums for most mental health conditions, and that there should be no fear or taboo enshrouding this type of information. Many of us could be diagnosed with different things and obtain certain psychiatric labels, but I don't think we should strive to do this unless our mental health is affecting our quality of life extremely negatively. However, I do have to tell you: infatuation at its worst is not neurotypical.

If you tend to live your life emptily, only motivated and made to feel emotion by unobtainable people who you think can make everything okay, then you are most probably mentally ill (by society's definition, at least). If your self-esteem was moderately high and you were mainly mentally healthy (no depressive episodes, no propensity to obsession, no episodes of mania) then it is highly unlikely that you would fall into an illusion so controlling as infatuation.

As I have mentioned and will continue mentioning in this article, infatuation is a deceitful trick. It's your brain's way of latching onto something that could, in theory, make you happy and take away all your troubles. For this reason, if you are infatuated with someone, you are not happy with your current life. You might want to tell me "I am happy and confident, this person is just so special/beautiful that I need them", but that statement would be yet another dopamine-driven delusion.

If you are prone to infatuation/limerence:

you have a lot of love to give to people, whether platonic or romantic (this is a blessing). I suggest that you utilise this in the healthiest possible way and focus on solidifying strong, platonic friendships. You won't feel the high of infatuation and attraction, but you won't experience the horrible lows either, and you will be immensely satisfied because you'll form close bonds and feel understood by people who want to be in your life for genuine reasons, other than desire.

as mentioned above, you are probably mentally ill in some way, and could most likely be diagnosed with OCD, depression, anxiety, BPD, or bipolar disorder. Don't let this scare you. A diagnosis would just be putting a label on what you've felt your entire life.

you will fall into more of these miserable infatuations if you do not treat the root-cause, which is unmet psychological needs and limiting beliefs regarding yourself and your worth. Don't let them shape your months and years, and don't let your life be a string of feelings for different people with you making no advancements in your own life. Even if you don't feel sound enough on a psychological level, force yourself to make friends, to exercise, to work and to read books. You'll be pleasantly surprised at how quickly you actually make new brain pathways and *escape* this hell.

you're very prone to fantasising about ideas, people and concepts that could, in theory, help you "escape" the current life or situation that you are in. Use this to your advantage - it just means that your brain is prone to creating dopaminergic pathways to motivate you. Currently, you're motivated to get this person into your life, but you can use this mental tactic to enjoy other things intensely, like academics, hobbies, pets etc. Become obsessed with another country, and make it your mission to learn the language fluently and move there within the next 8 years. Grab onto something other than a person that sparks your interest and get you thinking "my life would be amazing IF ...", whether it be the idea of gaining muscle at the gym, redecorating your house or writing a novel. Some would advise against this, but I have evidence to prove that it's a healthy way to cope with a propensity to idolising people. Hobbies/pets/languages/exercise won't turn you limerent, so obsess over them instead.

unless you work hard on yourself to recover from this susceptibility to falling hard and selflessly for people, your partners will never be on the same page as you. They will never love you as fiercely as you "love" them, because they will never be consumed by someone in the way that people consume and fill your existence. This may fill you with sadness but is reality; the fact that you have developed the behavioural pattern of limerence isn't their problem, nor is it something that many people will relate to. Wishing for someone to fall for you in this lovesick, bittersweet way is going to align you with reactive, toxic people who are generally unstable and enmesh with you too quickly.

the best comes last: you can become immune to infatuation/limerence! You'll need to do a lot of research on how to attack your subconscious mind and alter your brain's fundamental wirings, but it's surprisingly simpler than it sounds and the only path to complete emotional freedom.

infatuations

Rupi Kaur

Yes, This Is Just One of Your Many Phases!

Live in the moment and deal with any false, irrational thoughts like 'this will last forever'. Every time you think that, correct yourself and remember that you're feeling something very strong and unpleasant, but that's all it is and in no way does this equate to any form of permanence.

You can feel things strongly without them lasting forever! I don't know why we, as humans, struggle with this idea so much. There are so many sensory afflictions that come and go. For example, think of a terrible illness where you're vomiting constantly and can barely walk. You feel like you're never going to feel well again, but days later, you bounce back. The illness is just a faint memory that doesn't even inspire much emotion in you. Similarly, sometimes we come across music that we love and then can barely stand to hear it a month later.

We, as humans, go through many phases in our life. Phases are definitely valid life experiences, but find comfort in their ephemerality! This boy or girl is a phase in your life, albeit an intense one. One day, you will look back and associate them with whatever music you're currently listening to, the clothes you're currently wearing and the way that you feel. That is because those aspects of your life are also a phase. This person won't make your heart skip forever. If you take one thing from this article, let it be that. You won't believe me now, but there will come a time when you don't care who they date, and their name won't even stand out to you in a list. Human emotions are weird, huh?

Remember: You Love Your Brain's Chemicals, Not This Person

Unless you are experiencing a healthy crush within reality (just attraction and the feeling of connection), your infatuation is a result of an unhealthy dopamine reward circuit that your brain has essentially created as a survival mechanism. You are so depressed/unfulfilled/lonely that your brain knows that real life isn't offering much for you in terms of incentive to live, so it creates its own happiness in order to temporarily relieve you from unhappiness, nihilism and lack of focus.

Infatuation is the brain making its own fun through a 'fantasy bond'. Your brain provides you with a sugary high full of wonder and hope and promises for the future, and then when real life doesn't follow the illusion (e.g. when the person unsurprisingly doesn't devote their entire life to you because they have their own life/feelings), you will experience the consequent crash. There is a duality to every strong psychological experience, and what goes up always comes down.

Mocking yourself slightly and realising that your brain is 'glitching' in this way is imperative. Tell yourself, "I love dopamine, not him/her!". If the attraction wasn't there, and you knew their personality inside out, would you still 'need' them? It's almost impossible that you would. You might love them in a genuine, affectionate way, just like some elderly couples love each other after years of commitment, but it wouldn't be delightful and euphoric, nor would it be what you're craving now.

Find comfort in the above. If you find yourself thinking "I've met him at the wrong point in my life, we could have grown old together etc." remember that the romance wouldn't feel like this for more than a few months anyway. Yes, maybe if you had met this man in 5 years time you'd date and then marry him and be happy (in the stable sense of the word, with no thrill), but the truth is that that's not even what you want. You want to be able to act on the passionate feelings that you currently have, and for those to last forever, which is why the supposed "missed connection" is so tragic and hard for you to cope with. The thing is, as I've explained, the sheer concept of living with them forever and feeling this way with them forever is a fairytale that your brain has created.

In short: your brain has messed up here, and is misunderstanding the situation. We are animals at the end of the day, and our bodies function to promote survival, often not bothering about our feelings. If your life is lacking authenticity, excitement and motivation, your brain may work to ensure the survival of your genes by creating its own goals. Don't listen to everything that your mind is telling you and try not to crave the highs that it is offering you!

Neuroscience: What Causes Infatuation?

Understanding the science behind this turbulent experience is crucial, and is the only way to think practically without being nihilistic and numbing yourself to your feelings. This area of neuroscience is fascinating, as it deals with human experiences that seem so spiritual and magical that it's hard to believe that they are caused and controlled by relatively simple chemicals. However, a handful of neurotransmitters control all aspects of your mood and mental health, and therefore can explain every thought and motive that an infatuation will cause you to experience.

1. Dopamine is the 'pleasure chemical', and relates to euphoria, addiction and craving. It can also inspire goal-based behaviour, e.g. wanting to save money to plan an elaborate trip, or, more relevantly, wanting that "perfect life" with someone you have recently met where you two are alone and free, revelling in each other's happiness. When you first fall into infatuation and you cannot imagine happiness with anyone else but this individual, it is dopamine acting... and boy, is dopamine a powerful neurotransmitter! It gives us momentum in life and quite literally drives humanity, but in the case of infatuation, it is a delightful yet dangerous substance.

When noradrenaline is also released, the two neurotransmitters can undergo a reaction and produce not only an elated mood, but also focused attention, hyper-activity and loss of appetite. All of these changes can be witnessed in the "lovesick"; you develop tunnel vision during these biochemical changes. You are greatly inspired by anything to do with the other person, and bored at the rest of the world, for it all seems so dull compared to the object of your passion. While noradrenaline is a neurotransmitter and adrenaline a hormone, the two contribute synergistically to a racing heart and the novel excitement associated with love.

2. Serotonin is low when you are infatuated, which is counterintuitive, as high levels of serotonin are also commonly associated with "lovey-dovey" feelings. In fact, taking ecstasy causes a great release of this neurotransmitter, and depression is caused by low levels of it. However, the infatuated brain shows the same low serotonin levels as someone with OCD, which explains the obsessive nature of infatuation, and hence why you should avoid romanticizing your state and realize that you are essentially mentally ill while in the throes of this level of passion.

3. Adrenaline activates stress responses in the body, and is involved with the physiological signs of infatuation. It activates the levels of other hormones like cortisol, which all activate the sympathetic nervous system in a cascade-like manner, causing trembling, sweating and an increased heart rate.

4. Oxytocin is released during intimate acts, cuddling and other forms of close, trust-based contact. It is slightly different to the others, as it does not directly cause "infatuation". In other words, it does not contribute to the insanely powerful passion that one feels while infatuated. Rather, it adds to the experience by increasing the sweet feelings of trust and fondness. For this reason, it is also extremely important in relationships after the infatuation and hence the craving (caused by dopamine) wears off. If the people in the relationship do not possess adequate amounts of oxytocin (and vasopressin), it is unlikely that the relationship will last once they have passed through the drugged-up stage of infatuation and are suddenly aware of each other's flaws.

I urge you to think about the science behind your feelings, as it will help you rationalise what you feel. Allow yourself to cry but don't let yourself romanticise this 'missed connection', because it was never there in the first place. Your neurobiology has temporarily gone awry and taken control of your feelings, but this level of misery cannot and will not last.

#love #infatuation #limerence #depression #mental illness #mental health #anxiety #ocd #self hatred #self loathing #self love #dopamine #dopaminergic pathways #brain #deceit #illusion #obsessed #obsession #attachment

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