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#i did this all the time in grad school. i am just out of practice in having ppl actually expect things from me

roosterforme · 1 year

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Right Girl, Wrong Time Part 10 | Bradley Bradshaw x Reader

Summary: You missed out on a lot of things when you lived in Chicago, because you didn't want to do them without Bradley. On a very important trip, you and he both visit the city together.

Warnings: Fluff, smut and swears

Length: 1500 words

Pairing: Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw x Female Reader (former fuckboy college student Bradley)

This is a sequel to accompany my story Old Habits Die Hard (you'll want to read that one first)!

Check my profile for my masterlist

Five Months Later...

"I can't believe we're willingly flying to Chicago in January," you complained with a bright smile on your face.

"This was your idea, Sugar," Bradley reminded you, holding up both boarding passes for the airline gate agent to scan. "It's not too late to stay in Vegas or fly to Fiji like I originally wanted."

"No, no. We're going to Chicago together," you told him, taking his hand as you boarded your flight from Las Vegas to O'Hare. Bradley spun your rings around on your finger as you located your seats and settled in.

"Chicago in January. Two days before a blizzard is due to arrive. Are we about to go on the shittiest honeymoon ever?" he asked, kissing your lips.

You laughed and wrapped your arms around his neck. "Listen, we just had Elvis marry us yesterday on the Vegas strip. We had a quickie wedding after being engaged for five weeks, and I'm not even pregnant. Now we're about to get snowed in together in Chicago. You'll be stuck in a room with me for a week. I don't think a conventional honeymoon is what we needed, Beer Boy."

Bradley tipped his head back and laughed. "Actually, now that you mention it, being snowed in with you sounds like a dream, Sugar. What am I even complaining about?"

"I don't know," you whispered against his scars. "You get me and Chicago deep dish pizza around the clock if you want it."

"I want it," he confirmed. "You can feed me pizza naked in bed after we have sex. And then I'll get hard again, we can have sex again, and you can feed me more pizza. It sounds like the perfect week. Chicago in January is everything I ever wanted."

You were shaking with silent laughter as the flight attendant went over the safety instructions, and soon you were in the air. And then you fell asleep on your husband's shoulder. Bradley jostled you awake in time to see the city all lit up against a snowy backdrop as the plane descended into Chicago.

"Are you ready for this?" you asked, standing next to him with your bags, about to walk outside to get a taxi. "It's three degrees out there."

"Yeah, I'm ready," Bradley mumbled, but he looked scared. "No problem."

Once you and he were outside, he was practically crying as you took care of hailing a ride to the hotel. "You have thin Californian blood now," you told him as he snuggled up next to you in the back seat. You kissed his icy cold nose and forehead as you headed through the city where you lived for four years during grad school. "It's embarrassing, Bradley. I married a Californian."

He shivered in your arms and said, "We're both Virginians, Sugar. I just hate being cold."

You were playing with his hair and kissing along his ear as he melted into you. Every time you thought about the crazy juxtaposition that your life had become, you felt tears in your eyes. You had missed Bradley terribly when you were living in Chicago and still even after you graduated with your PhD. So it just felt right that he was here with you now.

"That's where I got my second tattoo," you whispered as the taxi drove slowly down a side street.

Bradley looked out the window and smiled. "Should be a historic landmark."

Your laughter filled the small space as he kissed you. Then he paid the cab fare, and you had never seen him move as fast as he did when he hauled all of the luggage inside to the warm hotel lobby.

"Let's go get a good night's sleep," you told him as he carried everything to the elevator and then into the hotel room.

"We're not sleeping," he said, shaking his head. "You're going to snuggle with me until I'm warm again, which could take hours, and then I'm fucking you for the rest of the night."

He wasn't lying. You pulled him into bed with you, and held his body close, softly kissing him and telling him how happy you were.

"I love you, Sugar. I loved you ten years ago, and I love you today, and I'll still be loving you ten years from now."

Slowly and meticulously, he undressed you beneath the blankets, touching and kissing each new bit of skin as it was exposed. He took extra time and gave extra attention to your tattoos, just like he always did.

"I've been in love with you since the first time you wore my bathrobe," he told you before pressing his lips to the valley between your breasts as you giggled. "No, before that. Since the first time I watched you put a bottle of beer to your perfect lips." He kissed his way up to your mouth, lingering there until you were sighing against him.

"You've been in love with me since you met me then? Is that what you're trying to say, Beer Boy?"

He groaned as he slid his length inside you. "God, I fucking love it when you call me that. Every single time. And yes, Sugar, ever since I met you."

You made love to your husband all night, your hands and eyes roving over his body as you told him how happy you were that you both ended up at your class reunion in Virginia. That he was at the same bar as you that night last summer.

When you both finally fell asleep, it was a long time before you woke up. Room service had already switched from breakfast to lunch, but Bradley got them to agree to send up a pot of coffee along with your lunch order. You and he ate all bundled up in bed together with the curtains open, the first flurries of snow falling outside as the storm moved in.

"We need to head out soon so we can get back before it gets dark," you told him as he sipped his coffee.

His expression looked unimpressed, but he nodded anyway. "Yeah. Let's go, Sugar."

The taxi dropped you both off at the edge of the park as the sidewalks were getting slick from the snow. There were only a few people out and about, and even in the middle of the day, the sunlight was struggling to break through the heavy, gray clouds. Bradley had his arm wrapped around your shoulders as you approached The Bean together. You stood side by side, examining if for a moment in silence.

"It's just a big, metallic bean," you said, leaning into Bradley as the wind picked up.

"I knew it would be dumb as hell, Sugar," he replied, gesturing at it with his hand like there was no good explanation for what they were seeing.

You wrapped your arms around his middle and looked up at him as you started cracking up. "I'm glad I didn't see it without you. It was worth the wait."

"You were worth the wait. The Bean, maybe less so," he replied, kissing you as you took your phone out.

After you took a bunch of selfies and texted some to Nat, you looked at Bradley and hummed. His cheeks were bright pink from the cold, and the tip of his nose was getting red. He was perfect, and he was all yours.

"Have you given much thought to a little Bradshaw bean?" you asked as snowflakes stuck on his mustache.

"Bradshaw bean?" he asked. His brow was creased before it started to smooth out. "Are you saying what I think you're saying, Sugar?"

You nodded and kissed his pink cheek. "Yeah, Beer Boy. A little baby Bradshaw bean. Just something to think about."

Both of you thought about it and talked about it as you stood in front of the giant bean in the middle of a blizzard. But you didn't need to make all of your decisions right now. You weren't planning on being without Bradley ever again.

------------------------

THANK YOU for reading along on this adventure with me! Beer Boy/Man and Sugar belong together, and I'm happy she gets to take him to Chicago, even if it's during a blizzard! I hope you had as much fun as I did! Thanks to @mak-32 and @beyondthesefourwalls

Please visit the one-shot The Grateful Dad for some more Beer Boy and Sugar!

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the-hole-in-terzos-shoe · 11 months

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Let's Get These Heels Off...

Burlesque!Terzo x Fem!Reader

Warnings: NSFW, Smut, MDNI!, Lingerie, basically smut with a little tiny bit of plot 🤷‍♀️

Word count: 3.4k

ANYWAY, I'M BACK HI HELLO!!!!! I really did not mean to take a hiatus, but I am in grad school and that just needed my attention these past weeks. I have been writing the whole time, this just happens to be the first thing to get finished!

But! I am sooooo excited about this! @angellayercake and I have been squealing and giggling and losing our minds over burlesque Terzo for months now and she requested this special 🥰 it was an honor to write this for you, my dearest Cake, and I hope you love it as much as I love Pastimes for a Retired Papa and Banchetto!!! Enjoy 😘

Photo credit to @theshamelessghoul @vitadevoid on Instagram 🩷 please go follow both of her accounts, she's an absolutely beautiful artist.

After stalking his Instagram page every night for a week, you knew you had to see him perform in person. Not to mention that Vegas isn't too far a drive from your place. You 𝘩𝘢𝘥 to see him, you just had to.

And that's how you found yourself at the door of this club, paying the high cover charge. The venue was well worth it though, beautiful dark decor, mirrors and dim lighting making the place feel large, but intimate. You'd made it a point to dress appropriately, wanting to look fine and feel your best, but not outshine the performers. So you went with a tight black leather dress that displays your bust nicely, black lace long sleeve crop top layered over, and of course black stiletto heels to match.

Glad you came by yourself to fulfill this silly little fantasy, you take a seat in a quaint cushioned arm chair, noticing the array of vintage mismatched furniture, and order a drink. There was already a set going on, dancers gracefully moving across the stage, with the lighting offering glimpses of the room while keeping most of the viewers concealed in the shadows. You were grateful for that.

You'd never been to a place like this before and you just wanted to view the art from a distance.

Just in time too, as the one you'd been longing for took the stage, his presence larger than life, seemingly squeezing all the air from the room... And he hadn't even shown any skin yet.

His gig was definitely out of the ordinary, but there was something so alluring about watching this Anti-Pope, Papa Emeritus the Third, sashay across the stage. His dance style is slow and sensual, teasingly revealing a fishnet clad leg here or a lace covered hip there as he slowly works his way out of his papal vestments.

He certainly has the bedroom eyes down to a science as you find yourself unable to look away. Another thing that's hard to look away from is that beautifully plump ass, showcased so artfully with leather straps cupping his cheeks.

The Anti-Pope was well practiced at making his way across the floor, legs spread sinfully and hands groping various body parts. Lastly, he unhooks his corset to reveal tassels on his nipples, and he wasn't left in much more than those and a pair of panties. A few more twirls around the stage and the last few notes of the song ring out, while the lights go totally dark, leaving it pitch black in the room. The click of his heels returning backstage are the only sound until the lights slowly come back up.

Hell, he really knew how to leave a crowd wanting more. Or maybe it was just you--either way, you were happy to have seen him perform in person. It had been worth the drive and every penny.

You were pleasantly surprised to find him in the kickline of a few other performances that night, for the performers that needed back up dancers. Although you did think it was unfair for the boss to put him in the back like that, because he always stole the stage from whoever was supposed to be leading.

After the night had simmered down, a few of the dancers creeped out into the audience, mingling with the crowd to keep them happy and earn the waiters some higher tips. There were still a few performances happening, but they hardly held your attention as you felt a shift in the vibe. Papa had come out from backstage and was taking his time greeting the guests, many of them wanting to kiss his hands or cheeks.

He's so charismatic that people are drawn to him like a magnet. You feel the pull too, but you're perfectly content to watch from afar... It's not like he would know you anyway.

That is, until it seems like he's coming your way. Is he? No. Surely he's looking for someone behind you.

Tensing your fingers around the arms of the chair, you try to straighten up as best you can as he saunters right over, leaning forward and placing his hands on top of yours, effectively pinning you to the spot. His nose is only inches from yours as he looks you over, "Didn't your Mama teach you it's impolite to stare?"

"D-don't mind me... I'm just enjoying the view, um, Papa." You knew you didn't stand a chance of sounding confident in front of him, so you just did your best not to fumble your words.

He smirks, letting you know he enjoys the flattery, "Please, tesoro, call me Terzo. Papa is simply my stage name." He winks and offers his hand up to your lips.

Carefully, you take his hand in yours, appreciating his short black nails, before softly placing a kiss to his knuckles. "Terzo," you whisper, mostly to yourself.

While his hand is still in yours, he snakes his hand around your wrist before bringing it to his lips. "And you? Who are you this evening, dolce mia?"

"Just a starstruck fan," you supply before giving your name.

Still kissing his way up your arm, he tries your name on his tongue before nipping at your earlobe, earning a heavy breath from you.

"Would you like to take this somewhere a bit more private, bella?"

You stutter, "I-I didn't... I didn't think that was allowed here."

"Sì, sì, you are right, 'no stripping here on The Strip', eh?" he chuckles. He stands up and stares you down, looking you directly in the eyes, "I guess I'll be getting off all by myself tonight then." He fakes a pout before flashing a playful look at you.

Suddenly he's walking away, as if he'd forgotten about you all together.

"Hey, wait!"

He keeps walking, heading up the spiral staircase behind the stage. You hesitate momentarily before chasing him up the stairs. You had come all this way; why not take the fantasy as far as he would let you?

Upstairs, he sits at his vanity, illuminated beautifully by the soft light. Yet again, you stare as he fixes up his makeup. When he sees you behind him, he makes a comment about you being in his mirror.

But then he stands up and you're drawn to one another. He turns and within a second, his hands are on your jaw and yours on his waist, making out.

At some point, you were spun around and the next thing you know, you're being backed into another vanity, stumbling into it as lip glosses and tubes of mascara roll onto the floor. Grabbing roughly at your ass, Terzo lifts you onto the vanity, mouth never leaving yours. In fact, he uses it as leverage to gain access to your tongue.

Your fingers tremble in an attempt to untie the silk robe he'd covered his lingerie with, while he's working your black lace top off. As it drifts slowly to the floor, you start to hear a rumbling noise across the room.

Terzo pulls away from you, and before you can ask what the noise is, he's pulling you off the vanity. "Come with me, cara mia," he whispers, dragging you behind one of the various curtains back stage. Suddenly the room fills with chatter, and you realize the noise had been many, many sets of high heels coming up the stairs. The night must be over downstairs and the club getting ready to close.

Wrapped in a shroud of darkness behind the heavy velvet curtain, you feel Terzo's hands return to your waist and his lips at your ear, "Quiet, dolcezza, we wouldn't want to get caught, would we?"

"No," you reply, trying not to giggle. His mouth is curled into a big smile as it makes contact with your neck, leaving a trail of kisses and nips along your exposed skin. Silently you let out a shaky breath, fighting off a whimper.

"Ugh! Whose shirt is this?! They knocked over all my shit!" one of the dancers yells, receiving a low chuckle from Terzo.

Hands sliding up his body, you finally slip that robe from his shoulders, exposing more skin, but your hands are much more interested in diving into that luscious black hair, which draws another low noise from the man. "Shhhh," you breathe out.

His hot mouth is now lapping at your cleavage, until his thumb finds the scandalously placed zipper on the front of your tight leather dress. Inching the pull tab down, his nose dips down to the space between your breasts where he places a soft kiss.

Gently you hold him against you, one hand tangled in his hair, the other on his cheek. Undoubtedly, you have his face paint all over you, but Terzo is simply alluring in everything that he does. From the way he performs on stage, grasping everyone's attention in the palm of his hand to the dangerous way he romances you, kissing you like he loves you... you know you'll never get enough.

Finally, the dressing room starts to quiet down. Girls chatter about where they're going to grab dinner or who's going home with who. And eventually, you're left alone with your lover for the night.

Peaking his head out from behind the curtain, Terzo nods that the coast is clear, taking your hand and smirking, "Per favore, bella mia, follow me. I know the perfect place to have my way with you."

Cocky in an endearing way, that's how you'd describe him. A stranger who somehow knows exactly what you need... It's maddening, but comforting.

However, upon reaching some kind of office door, you are given some pause, "Hey, woah, where are we going?"

"Just through here, amore," he tugs your hand.

"I mean, is that someone's office? Are we supposed to be in here?" You question him, but the idea of getting caught has certainly done something to you.

"Sì, the owner's. Won't it be fun, dolce?"

Looking between his hand still holding yours and his playful duochromatic eyes, you can't deny him. "Yes," you grin, biting your lip as he pulls you through the doorway, nearly slamming it behind you.

Despite him not being the largest man, he has full control of your body, making quick work of shoving everything off the desk and laying you back on it. "Bellissima, cara mia, your beauty is unmatched," he mumbles, admiring your disheveled form spread out before him.

You huff, "Please... Have you seen yourself?" It was true. He looks like pure debauchery in that moment, leaning over you in nothing but heels, fishnets, and a black lace thong.

He smiles in a way that almost looks shy, "Sì, but tonight is all about you, no?" He leans over you on the desk, placing a kiss to your jaw.

"Who said that?" you sigh at his contact.

"You did, signora, with your actions," his lips start their decent down your body, again on your cleavage, your sternum, your belly, as he slowly unzips your dress and continues his explanation, "you drive all the way out here, from wherever you come from; you dress up; you spend your evening with us... I have never seen you before."

By now he's made his way to the waistband of your panties, kissing the skin just above the lace.

"Oh, and you know everyone who comes in here?" you chuckle and your hand comes up to massage his scalp.

"Mmm, sì, amore," he slides the zipper down to where it ends at your knees, allowing the dress to fall open, and he lifts one of your legs off the desk to nip at your inner thigh, "and if I do not know someone... I make it a point to introduce myself." His devious eyes flicker up to yours.

"So you do this with everyone you meet?" you sit up and raise your eyebrows, shaking the dress straps from your shoulders.

"Are you implying something about me, tesoro? Besides..." He ducks his head down, rubbing his nose perfectly across your clit, "It's not lady-like to kiss and tell."

Feeling his hot breath even through your underwear, you're met with those smoldering bedroom eyes he had on stage. When you let out an involuntary whimper, you have to stop yourself from urging his face towards your core.

Like a mind-reader though, he's pulling off your panties, "You must've been wet from the moment you saw me on stage." He grins proudly, but before you can chide him, Terzo's mouth is already on you, instead stealing the air from your lungs as his tongue circles around your sensitive bundle of nerves.

"Ah! Oh, Terzo..." you gasp as your fingers curl in his soft hair. If your eyes hadn't been screwed shut in pleasure, you would've seen the enjoyment written on your lover's face as he works his magic.

His hands grip your thighs roughly, pulling you to the edge of the desk to be able to dip his tongue between your folds, teasing your entrance. Your needy whines egg him on as he fucks you with his tongue, that perfect nose smashed up against your oh-so-sensitive clit. It's so overwhelming you actually try to push his face away, but Terzo digs his heels in, holding you firmly in place. Surely you'll have bruises where his fingertips clutch at your skin.

In an embarrassing amount of time, that familiar tension builds in your abdomen. Looking down at the man through your lashes, you feel an urge to beg for permission, but your mouth is unable to form the words. He senses it though, and gives you a gentle nod without disrupting his ministrations. Thighs squeezing against his ears and a high heel digging into his back, you cum for him, convulsing as he carries you through it.

Carefully, he stands up between your legs, allowing you to lean on him with your arms wrapped around his neck as you both catch your breath. Propping your chin up on his chest, you look up at Terzo. His face paint is totally wrecked, but you like seeing what's beneath it as well.

"Bene?" He whispers softly, "Was it good for you?"

"Yes," you let out a breathy laugh at the absurdity of that question. Eyes trailing down, you notice his painfully hard cock barely concealed by his thong. Looking up at him, you slowly reach for it, and you're met with a pleased hum when you palm at the head.

His lips find yours once again as he gently bucks into your hand, feeling just as needy for you as you'd been for him. "Per favore..." he rasps, "please."

"Please, what, baby?" you ask him.

"Fottimi," he says it so quietly you hardly hear him.

"Hm?" you look up, cupping his chin in your fingers, other hand still working his throbbing desire.

Squeezing his eyes closed, a beautiful blush blooms across his cheeks, "Fuck me. Please, fuck me..."

Seeing this once-confident performer enter such a space, you feel even more of a need to please him; it lights a fire like you hadn't experienced before. "Why don't you go lay on the couch for me then, hm?"

It's not lost on you how earlier you'd been worried to even come in the office, and now you're telling your lover to use the furniture.

He nods and takes a couple steps across the small room, heels clicking on the old hardwood floor. Pausing in front of the small piece of furniture like he has to think about it, he slowly bends at the hips, placing his hands on the soft cushion first, then following with his knees.

You follow him over, unable to resist his plump backside. Palming and squeezing at it, you chide him, "Putting your cute little ass on display for me? Just like you did on stage," you trail off. 𝘛𝘩𝘸𝘢𝘱! You earn an involuntary moan from Terzo as you spank him. He turns to look over his shoulder at you, where you then lean down and press a soft kiss to the hand mark you left on him, "I think I asked you to lay down."

He gives you that devilish grin before flopping back on the sofa, stretching and arching his back, feigning innocence.

Something about him acting this way emboldens you, so settling between his spread legs, you reach down and harshly tear open the front of his fishnet stockings, "If you want to act like a little whore, then I'm going to treat you like one!"

He reaches down to grab your wrist, placing it on his crotch and rutting against your hand again, "Sì, amore, please..."

Snatching your wrist away, you swat your fingers at his erection, making him jerk in a way that you're pretty sure means he liked it. "You're lucky you're so goddamn pretty."

"Hmm," he grins again, "Or what?"

"Or..." Roughly, you grab the waistband of his offending little panties and rip them down enough to expose him, the pretty pink tip dripping with precum. Taking his length in your hand, you stroke up and down, before continuing, "Or I wouldn't touch you like this..."

He whines at the way you handle him; he's so perfect, you know you can't resist him any longer.

Moving to straddle his hips, you grind your sex on his. This allows you to lean down and kiss him again, which he pulls you into hungrily. When you break away, you gaze into those lust blown mismatched eyes, "Or I wouldn't fuck you."

It's your turn to grin as you line him up with your entrance, and he becomes a writhing mess beneath you. Seconds later, however, the room is filled with gasps, sighs, moans as you finally become one.

With Terzo fully seated inside, you waste no time working your hips, easing you both into the motions of lovemaking. And what a picture you are: a tangle of limbs, lingerie, and stilettos.

His needy hands reach out to squeeze at your breasts, urging your bra straps off of your shoulders. Finally, you reach behind to unclasp the article of clothing and discard it. In an instant, your lover's hands return, cupping, massaging, and teasing your chest. The way his fingers roll your nipples already has them budding, but his mouth closing around one of them really does the trick.

With one hand cradling the back of his head and the other on his shoulder for support, you ride him at an energetic pace, gasping each time his teeth nibble at your sensitive skin.

"That's it..." he starts to whisper between love bites, "sì, principessa, oh, pl- per favore, take your pleasure from me."

Kissing the top of his head, you sigh into his ear, "Touch me... Touch me, please, Terzo!"

"Sì, signora," he obliges, his middle finger finding your clit easily, "Sei bella, così bella. Veini per me, cum on me, tesoro."

"I'm gonna..." You bite your lip, "Ahh, cum with me, baby."

Your second orgasm hits you like a wave, and it has you seeing stars. Feeling you clench around his cock, Terzo, blissed out, bites down on your collarbone as he follows you over the edge, spilling into your perfect velvety walls. Pain mixed with pleasure somehow heightens the sensation futher for you; it's nothing short of a miracle you were able to ride you both through your climaxes.

Terzo collapses straight back and you right on top of him, exhausted. His arms come up to wrap around you, gently tracing shapes into your back. When you give a tired groan, he offers, "Dai, we should get you upstairs, you stay the night with me."

"Upstairs? You live here?" you mumble into the crook of his neck.

"Sì, ragazza stupida," he chuckles, "I own this place."

"Hey!" you sit up and see him pointing at something... the name plate from the desk, thrown across the floor reading 'Terzo Emeritus.' Glaring back down at him, you argue, "Well, I'm not stupid, or whatever you said."

He smiles up at you, softly. "It means 'silly,' amore mio."

"Oh... Well still..." you lower your voice to a near whisper, "I would like to spend the night with you."

He reaches up to stroke your cheek, "Okie dokie, then. Let's get these heels off."

#ahhhhh i hope you love it ❤️#i have missed being able to post for everyone #but it's summer now so yay!!!#the band ghost #ghost band #papa emeritus iii #papa iii #terzo #papa 3 #papa emeritus 3 #papa terzo #ghost fanfiction #x reader #fem reader #burlesque #au #alternate universe #reader insert #thank you for the ask ❤️

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tojisun · 3 months

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ermmmmmmmmm i don’t know how to explain this ask but what do you think simon would be like like in college??? would he be a frat boy???? did he even go to college????????????? this is so dumb im sorry lmao

omg heyy no dont sweat about this!! this is so cute!! its not dumb at all!!

edit: overhauling my prev post!

!! in a no-military au:

i dunno how active chapters are in UK universities but if they are, then yea i think he joined a fraternity based on a scholarship! (every time i think of fratboy simon, i think about channing tatum in 22 jump street hhhhhhhhasfj [heart eyes])

there are 11 fraternities in my uni and sometimes i happen to be in campus when the recruitments are being announced and it's honestly such a cool, if not a little startling, event. i transferred from a college so it was so shocking to see these because i genuinely thought these were only an american (US) thing

sooo imagining this to be simon's uni life is making me giggle because on one hand i think simon's the type to wanna avoid all that unnecessary events, but then i also imagine him joining exactly because of said events- it opens up lots of opportunities and helps him build intimate connections!! also, i just wanna imagine him having fun :((

the major chapters in my uni are either centric on sports or exclusive for a specific grad school so i dunno if simon's membership is because he's a current undergrad (ergo he's in a varsity) or because he went to grad school.... our powerhouse teams in uni happens to be hockey (and basketball) so now just imagine hockey player simon :(( god im spiralling hhgrhoegh foaming at the mouth!!!

imagine hockey player simon who comes out of practice with flushed cheeks and tussled hair. imagine simon as the goalie OR the centre hhnngh imagine simon pinning up the campus and chapter flag in his room like a dork (beside pictures of you two taken during frat parties). imagine simon lending you his jersey. imagine simon choosing your birth date as his jersey number

...sfksapjfdasf oh i am unwell

!! canon-lenient (ty tomie @tomiesdiet for the callout on my error LMFAOFOED)

i think he joined a fraternity too!! i went ballistic and searched up fraternities and cadet lifestyles, and they act like any other universities too so yea i do think he joined a chapter prior to joining the military!!

i do see him joining it for the same benefits such as scholarship and varied opportunities. but also it's noted that fraternities geared for the military also get service projects which help expand their experiences.

there's also a non-collegiate fraternity for the military!! maybe he'd have been part of that :0

i dunno if there would be repercussions of having been a member of a chapter later on as he gets into spec-ops. otherwise, he probably faked his death so that there won't be any loose connections to trace to him

#anon #ask #simon ghost riley x reader #simon ghost riley #another OOC simon pls do not scream at me #suns

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kirythestitchwitch · 6 months

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Klaroline WIP Wed - freaky friday time travel fic

my prompt was the future Caroline Mikaelson and Caroline Forbes swap places and I was like, okay, I am going to shoehorn an entire plot in here after prom but before graduation. author is loading canon and firing it into the sun

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The package was sitting innocently enough on the porch swing when Caroline got home from school. After a weird day of fielding concerned questions from her peers about Elena’s whereabouts–Stefan and Damon locking her in the Boarding House all weekend after prom was a last-ditch effort that looked like it wasn’t working–Caroline wasn’t really in the mood for a surprise.

When a cautious sniff towards the box brought her the acrid smell of oil paint and turpentine, though, she had to bite down on her smile. The smell liked to cling to Klaus after he’d been painting all morning, as she’d discovered two days ago, the morning after prom. She’d been crossing the Square, coming from the Sheriff’s department toward the Mystic Grill to meet Matt for lunch and flashcards, when her name being called pulled her head back to the here and now.

“Caroline!” Klaus’ smile was delighted to see her as he crossed the street to meet her on the grass, dimples brighter on his face than the sunshine, and god wasn’t that cheesy and ironic, just like her agreement to be friends with the nightmare creature that had plagued their lives for months. Even stranger, that she actually wanted to. Okay, maybe he hadn't been plaguing their lives very hard recently. What with the others unleashing Evil Dead and Elena taking home all the queen bitch prizes previously scooped up by Katherine, Klaus had almost seemed like your friendly neighborhood serial killer in comparison.

She waited until he caught up, swinging a large brown paper bag by string handles. “A word of advice?” she offered. He raised his eyebrows in intrigued curiosity. “Don’t go loudly chatting up the Sheriff's teenage daughter in the middle of town when you look like… that,” She gestured at all of him, including his loose-necked henley and comfortable jeans liberally smeared with paint, “Unless you want to get called a dirty old man behind your back.”

The laugh was practically startled out of him. He looked like an artist grad student at most, the kind that would debauch you on the furniture props, but judging by the slightly judgy looks from a few faces she could see around the square, that was too old for just barely eighteen Caroline. Oh yeah, Liz would be hearing about this before the day was out, and wasn't that just what Caroline needed?

Klaus leaned forward slightly, for all the world looked like he was sharing confidences with her. "Do you find me old, sweetheart?" he asked, dimples on display.

"Ancient, decrepit," she deadpanned.

His voice dropped a little softer, and unconsciously this time she leaned in a little to hear him. “You know our kind don’t measure time in years, sweetheart, it’s more about experiences.”

With a scoff and an eye roll, she leaned back. “Oh my god, you did not just ‘Age is just a number’ me. It’s jail for you, sir.”

“Mmm, they haven’t built a prison that can hold me yet, but if you prefer that sort of role-play, I'm sure I could think of something,” he said cheekily.

“Wow, okay!” She laughed, trying not to think of ‘Klaus’ and ‘role-play’ in the same context, “You are feeling much better than the last time I saw you.”

He seemed to sober, tension pinching his soft mouth. “Silas hasn’t shown himself that I’m aware of. Elijah is refusing to hand over the cure to either Rebekah or myself. Her on the grounds that she failed her trial, and me…” Klaus glanced away.

Caroline tried to dredge up some sympathy, really she did. “Well, we are all very much hoping there will not be an apocalypse hell-on-earth. I never met your parents and I would like to keep that track record going, thanks.” Klaus ducked his head, laugh soft, and Caroline nearly preened. “So, what’s in the bag? Thumb screws? Arsenic? Stolen lollipops?”

“Your imagination is a never-ending delight, love. There’s an art supply shop down the street that orders my paints for me. Which is fortunate, I was getting low on Cadmium Orange.” His fingers fiddled with the bag string.

“That is a very specific color,” she teased gently.

He tilted his head to the side in a self-deprecating sort of way. “Well, I need it for a very specific bit of shading, you see. The fall,” he gestured vaguely with one hand at some unseen painting, “Isn’t quite right. I’ve been working on it all night.”

Wrinkling her nose at him, she adjusted her purse on her shoulder. “Is that why you have that ‘freshly bathed in linseed oil’ smell?” Knowing she was about to set the tongues wagging but unable to resist the look it would put on his face, she reached out and snagged his hand, flipped it over backside up. Bright yellow paint was smeared on his skin. “You missed a spot.” she pointed out helpfully.

He rumbled softly in his throat. “So I did.” When Caroline looked up, his hungry blue eyes were on her, quiet, watchful of what she’d do next.

“So,” she said, drawing out the vowel, “I’m supposed to meet Matt for lunch.”

“The human?” Klaus managed to fit a world of disgruntled judgment into two words.

“Ugh.” Caroline dropped his hand with a bit of force. “Matt is failing some of his classes and needs a study buddy. I happen to be queen of the flashcards, thank you very much. Finals are next week, and I just want…” She paused, emotion clawing up her throat and she swallowed. Blinked. The sun that seemed so bright before–but not warm, never warm, never again–seemed a pale imitation of itself. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Klaus’s hand hovering next to her arm as if wondering if his touch was unwelcome.

This wasn’t helpful, this wasn’t what she needed, in the middle of the day, in the middle of the Square, for god’s sake. Her chin raised, she looked Klaus in the eye. He looked solemnly back. “I just want us to make it through graduation. All of us. So.” She pasted a smile on her face. “I do what I can, which means flashcards.”

Something bitter tilted his mouth. “The talents of a general and they have you tutoring the quarterback.”

Caroline scowled at him. “It’s not a waste of my time to care about my friends. You certainly benefited from that.” With a huff, she turned to go, and he stepped sideways into her path.

“Admitting you care, love?” There was something predatory about the glint in his eyes.

Raising her eyebrows loftily, she pushed past him, trying to ignore the heat from his body that seemed to cling to hers. “In your dreams, Klaus,” she shot over her shoulder as she headed toward the Mystic Grill.

While her vampire hearing might have been bogged down by the noise in the Square, she was annoyingly attuned to Klaus’ presence. His parting words reached her easily: “Someday, you will.”

#klaroline wip wed #klaroline #klaroline for ts #tvd for ts #one of Klaus' Top 3 Fave Carolines is Grumpy Caroline #She's scowling and sassing him? he is having a GREAT time #hey how'd that foreshadowing get in there? someone call security!!

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cellarspider · 2 months

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9/?? What remains

(Previous) | (Index) | (Next)

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We return to the movie that I’m not giving a jokey intro to this time, Prometheus.

When I was in archaeological field school, we were digging in an area that had been continuously inhabited since the Neolithic period. Untold numbers of people had lived there through the ages.

And so it wasn’t entirely unexpected when someone told the professors that a construction crew across the street had just dug up a human skull.

(https://www.standard.co.uk/news/uk/work-begins-to-excavate-45-000-skeletons-from-hs2-site-at-london-euston-a3972926.html )

One of the grad students slapped on a dayglo vest and hard hat, and ran over there to speak with the crew. Undergrads were not allowed anywhere near the site, simply because of the liability risk. But the bones themselves? We weren’t allowed to touch them. They went right into boxes for a specialist to take care of.

All told, remains from 18 skeletons were found, twelve of them children. They’d been there for about eight hundred years. The professors said the construction crew was diffing on top of a medieval churchyard. They’d dug a hole to connect up the utilities, and their trench went right up to the wall of the former church. You could tell that, the professors said, because unbaptized children would’ve been buried under the eaves of the church: rainwater falling from the eaves was thought to be sanctified, so they’d be blessed every time it rained.

The construction crew wasn’t actually obligated to tell anyone about the bones. There was no legal requirement–the dead were everywhere there. As long as there was no reason to suspect a murder, people could just dig.

But because they did stop, just long enough for the bones to be retrieved, those skeletons would be examined, cataloged, and would either be held in an osteoarchaeological collection for further research, or reburied. There was no strong legal or social pressure one way or the other. That’s not universal–some peoples forbid the practice of handling and studying human remains, or require that remains be reinterred with the most culturally appropriate religious rites that can be provided. There is a lack of international or even regional consensus on what to do in these situations.

(https://railuk.com/rail-news/the-archaeology-of-hs2/)

And there are a lot of places where the wishes of descendants and local cultures have not been honored by archaeologists. The twenty year fight over custody of the bones of Kennewick Man (or the Ancient One) is one notable, hard-fought win for repatriation and reinterment of human remains, and there are many, many cases that have been far worse, that are still worse.

But where we dug, the relevant ethical standards for osteoarchaeologists stressed that “[b]iological remains, particularly human remains, of any age or provenance must be treated with care and dignity.”

We students never saw the bones. We didn’t need to, frankly, it would have been incompatible with those values. Is this how it’s handled everywhere? No. And most of the time, our dig was a very casual and lively place. But these professors were trying to start us out with the best ethical standards they could, which I am grateful for.

That’s the context that was running through my head as I watched Prometheus. Movies tend to treat dead bodies with far less reverence. They often carry some sort of emotional weight–fear, disgust, grief, or even excitement or humor. In violent movies, they’re set dressing, less important than the main characters–unless one of them was a main character. I chafe at that distinction, sometimes, but I’m not squeamish about movie violence. Two of my favorite movies of the year prior had been The Raid and Dredd. Two serendipitously similar action movies where death was relentless, graphic, and cheap–content warning in both links, by the way.

Both movies had carried me through because they were consistent on what they were throughout. I didn’t expect anything more sensitive from movies about action-fantasy cops. Prometheus had already lost me, and it was about archaeologists. Ones who professed a belief that they were there to meet their makers.

And so I found the way they treat the discovery of an alien body to be utterly galling. Despite the fact that I didn’t expect anything better from them by this point, I still wasn’t willing to meet the movie where it wanted me to be. I wasn’t feeling their excitement, trepidation over what else they were going to find next, or any voyeuristic excitement over how screwed they obviously were–any of those might have been the intended emotion, I’m honestly not sure what sort of horror movie Prometheus was trying to be at this point.

I was just seething that they were touching the body. Sticking probes into it. That was bad enough.

We haven’t even gotten to what they do to the head yet.

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(Previous) | (Index) | (Next)

⛬

Citations for alt-text:

All links listed in-line below the images this time.

#prometheus 2012 #prometheus (2012)#I'm trying to analyze the movie from within its own goals and parameters when that's most useful #but I also want to give space for topics like this #my takeaway was definitely not what they intended #but people often don't think carefully about the bones of strangers #and what their treatment means

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icedmatchatae · 1 year

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Glimpse of Us | KTH Chapter VI: Why I Love You

Pairing: Problematic Idol Taehyung x Grad Student Reader

Genre: Idol AU, Ex-Childhood Best Friends into—, Angst (Hello, welcome to my angst central), Fluff (mainly in the flashbacks), Slow Burn, Eventual Smut

Summary: BTS’s V has been living a lavished and successful lifestyle, but underneath all of that, Kim Taehyung is far from the perfect image the media and fans made him out to be. All he wants is to relive the feelings of happiness and purpose in his life, but how can he when he left behind those memories years ago? The same memories, he hopes to see a glimpse of.

Warning: Flashback fluffs, kdrama references, talks of plants, idk teenage Tae hit for me in this, but adult Tae rn ????, some swearing here and there, the plot thickens and PAIN

Word Count: 13.8k

Chapter VI: Why I Love You || Series Masterlist

“You practically live in my room with all the clothes you leave here.” Taehyung entered his bedroom carrying an extra pillow and blanket. He saw you in your daisy pajama set you received on your birthday from his parents. You sat on his full-sized bed on the right side while having his laptop on your lap. “And be careful with that! It cost a whole fortune.”

“Same goes for you. Half of my drawers are your clothes.” You muttered as you typed something on his screen. “I am also careful. I’m just trying to find a movie that we could watch.”

Ever since Taehyung got gifted a laptop for Christmas, it was practically yours as well considering how much time you’ve spent on it. He didn’t mind though, he loved sharing with you, and oftentimes, you needed it for school.

He opened up the blanket before wrapping it around you, then putting the cushion behind your back although you wouldn’t really need it since you always ended up cuddling to his side. “You wanna watch Spirited Away? Or maybe Princess Mononoke?” You asked when he sat beside you on the left and wrapped his arm around your waist.

Pecking your temple, he rested his chin on your shoulder. He tilted his head to the side as he stared in awe at you. But it went unnoticed as you scrolled through the illegal website you found weeks back. “What do you wanna watch, Blue? I’ll watch anything.”

A spark of mischief appeared in your lively irises. “Really?” You said before changing the entire website in light speed before your actual want popped up.

“Really, Boys over Flowers again? This is like the fourth time you’ve watched the entire series when it came out!” Taehyung whined. He only did so because when you’ve watched it four times, he too watched it four times. All the time. He pulled you back to the bed frame while you brought the computer with you. “Why do you love this so much?” Despite all the complaining and nagging, he obliged hopelessly to the viewing of tonight’s entertainment.

“I read the manga.” You shrugged. “I love the main guy too.” Your heart fluttered envisioning you and Gu Junpyo together.

Taehyung rolled his eyes and suppressed the pinch of jealousy running through his veins. “He’s such a dick to her though. Don’t fall for guys like that.”

“Nuh-uh! He actually cares for her, he just doesn’t know how to express them well…” You defended your celebrity crush as you played an episode. You placed the laptop in between your bodies before snuggling into Taehyung with your leg over him.

“Whatever, if you really do fall in love with some asshole, I will beat him up.” Taehyung scoffed to which you giggled. He hooked under your leg, bringing it closer and in a comfier position. “I never want you to be treated like Jandi. He tormented her!”

“So what guy should I fall for?” You asked nonchalantly. You reached for his hand to intertwine them with yours, laying it on his chest.

“Someone who will give you unconditional love and won’t intentionally hurt you, Blue.” He murmured into your supple hair. While you carelessly played with his hand, he fluttered his kisses into your strands.

The conversation died from there as the both of you watched the episode, but halfway through the show, he heard your soft snoring. The side of your cheek squished up onto his torso. You let go of his hand minutes back so you could wrap an arm over him. You were such a koala, but he loved it. That’s why he grew to love cuddling so much.

Taehyung chuckled at your slumbering form. He closed his laptop and moved it to the bed stand so that you could properly sleep. There he turned the lamp light off, darkness spilled over his room. He shifted you to your side before doing it to himself, separating your bodies.

But you let out a tiny whimper, losing the warmth. Your best friend hushed you as he circled his arms around your waist, pulling you in. The distance between you closed with your fronts touching. You latched a leg in between his and cozied up onto him.

“Night, Hyungie.” You mumbled, air-kissing him when you dozed off again. He laughed quietly at how needy you looked.

He leaned in to peck the tip of your nose, watching you sleep in his arms as always. Though the only light came through the small window, he clearly saw your beautiful resting face. The warmth in you outstretched the vicinity and onto him A true sight for him to see. He never got tired of this view—having you here with him in his arms. Nobody else in the world could break you apart. He wanted to stay like this forever and will make it happen. He was head over heels. He loved you. He loves you.

He truly was in love with you.

Taehyung stared exhaustedly at his ceiling. He hadn’t been having intense schedules for a while, yet he was still the same amount of tiredness. But he couldn’t find it in himself to close his eyes and let sleep take over his body. Maybe it was all the thoughts running through his mind, following him from left and right. The gears of his brain worked despite the tranquility of the night and the calmness of the air.

He lay on the right of the bed, craning his neck to the left of him to see his curled-up girlfriend sleeping like a log. She faced her body toward him, staying close as she dreamed away about God knows what. Yet the distance was evident, limbs weren’t sticking together. It felt cold to the touch, but he wasn’t at all fazed. He glanced absently at her snoozing features, holding no impressions.

His eyes shifted back to the unusually fascinating white ceiling as his mind began to think of you. It has been a couple of weeks since Jungkook’s party. The morning after, the guests recovered from the hangover after the headache-infused Jungkook bought everyone piping hot stews. You arrived in the kitchen quietly, back into your previous night’s dress as you went down to the dining room.

You waved shyly before announcing your departure, skipping the free meal. But Jungkook was adamant about letting you take it to go, so you accepted it as you said your goodbyes left. That was the last time Taehyung saw you.

It wasn’t on purpose though, there was an increase in schedules for them, having a few group meetings and conferences to do despite the pause on BTS’s music. In between those times, he had to go to his sessions. He’d text every now and then to check up on you, but you usually replied late since you were busy. But that was okay, you confirmed that you had eaten and slept well.

Tomorrow—well, technically, today—would be his first day off in a while, and messaged you a suggestion earlier at night if you wanted to spend it with him. It was a Sunday, so he knew you were off. You haven’t spent time alone together at all since the reunion, so he assumed this was the perfect opportunity.

He could have asked Clara, but she had family business so he canceled the offer.

You still haven’t responded, so he was getting frantic if you’d ignore him. Though you reassured him that you wanted him in your life again, Taehyung still had this unconscious belief and fear that you would take it back. He knew that you wouldn’t think that way, but it was the evil side of his mind playing with him.

Maybe he should mention you to his therapist, he somehow managed to talk over or change the subject about any updates. Besides sharing light memories with his friends, he kept any thoughts of you to himself like before. It worked in the past, but look where that led him. Now everything about you ate him alive, yet he couldn’t be more grateful for it.

Damn, he really did need help.

Dr. Im wasn’t going to judge him otherwise that was unprofessional. He still thought about it. Perhaps the idol was scared that his doctor disclosed something in him that he wouldn’t want to hear…or afraid to hear in a sense. There were certain pieces of information no one but he knew about and it stayed that way. However, sooner or later, it had to be revealed but Taehyung didn’t know how to do it.

As his angels answered his prayers, his phone lit up on the bedside drawer. Reaching out to it, his eyes adjusted to the blue light then sparkled in joy when he saw replied. It read—

Sure, I don’t mind. You’re in luck that I’m giving myself a break from studying.

Senselessly and ignoring the fact that it was one in the morning, his thumbs worked their magic to message you saying to get ready by ten. You texted instantly agreeing with no other questions, making the sides of his lips curl in excitement. He locked his phone and placed it back in its original position.

He dozed off satisfied and thrilled for the morning.

Taehyung arrived in the kitchen, fully dressed in his casual attire—a brown suit paired with his black shoes with the backing pushed down. He whistled whimsically as he found Clara also dressed for the day in her black business attire.

“You seem cheery today, baby.” She smiled as she went up to kiss his cheek. The idol paid no attention to her affection and lets it be. But she scuffled his hair to which he screeched as a complaint.

“Don’t mess it up!” Taehyung whined, despite making it messy to give the effortless look. Patting his wild strands down, Clara giggled amusingly as she clutched her handbag on the kitchen counter.

“You’re dressed nicely, do you have another schedule?” She wondered before pulling out a small mirror and her lip tint.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket, seeing another text from you that you were on your way. “No, it’s my day off.”

She lavished the wand on her lips, coating it in a soft pink. “Aww, really? If I had known, I would have taken the day off too.”

“It’s fine. Isn’t it important anyway?” He shrugged as he messaged you to be safe, settling it down on the kitchen island.

The socialite sighed in response, “Yeah, it’s a soft launch of our collaboration with another company. My dad wanted you to come, but I told them you had work.”

“Thanks for taking me out then.” He mentioned with a smirk. “Parties like that are boring.”

“Don’t remind me.” She rolled her eyes. “Love my family but I cannot bear to hear another generic speech from them.” She shoved her items back into her purse and observed her boyfriend, who was in a lighter mood today. “So how come you’re dressed up? And shocking in a good mood.”

The idol rolled his eyes as he eyed her back. “Is it shocking that I’m like this?”

“Yes, because you’re usually sour.”

Taehyung grimaced at her reply, a tad offended. He didn’t want to ruin his attitude because of her. “I’m going out with ___. Haven’t been able to see her since the party.” There was a pinch in Clara’s face when he announced his day. She peered at her boyfriend with narrowed eyes, almost like slits. Taehyung challenged her stare with a rather mundane and relaxed look. He cocked an eyebrow, muttering the word, “What?”

“Just you and her? Is Seojoon Oppa or Wooshik Oppa coming?” She inquired, hands resting on her hips.

“Just us two, like old times.” Taehyung simply answered. “We haven’t hung out in a while.”

“Yes, you have.”

“Besides the party and going to her work isn’t hanging out.” He countered as he grabbed his keys.

“You’re really making an effort to spend time with her.” The socialite pointed out as she went towards the fridge to obtain a water bottle.

“Well, everyone knows, including you, that we had a falling out, so we wanted to catch up.”

“Are you free tonight? Maybe we can have dinner together.” Clara offered. “We’ll even purchase extra sides of japchae for you.”

“I guess so?” The idol was iffy on it. “Depends how long I’ll be out with ___.”

“Wha-where are you even going with her anyway?”

His phone vibrated, with your contact name popping up. You were here and quickly pocketed his phone. “Not sure, but she’s still new to the city. I might take her to the park or a village, she loves gardens too so we’ll see. Maybe even to a cat cafe, she loves animals.”

Taehyung blabbered on, listing some suggestions, while Clara stood there listening to activities she used to ask him to do. “Whatever, you both don’t do, let’s go together.” She insisted with a gentle smile.

The idol blinked at her, forcing the curves of his mouth to go up before nodding. “We can.” Clara couldn’t tell as she clapped enthusiastically, but it was an empty promise. “She’s here, so I’m heading out.” He began walking away.

“Oh, I’ll follow you out. I have to go soon too.” The socialite trailed beside him. “Tannie was also picked up by Hyungsik for a dog date.”

Once the front door opened, a gust of wind splashed the couple’s faces. The early signs of the fall season were showing with the cooling breeze, partly cloudy and sunny skies, and change in color of the once green summer, creating the perfect weather. You waited by the walkway of the porch. You sported a buttoned-down light mocha v-neck dress over a rustic cardigan. You paired on the same pair of heels from the party. Hair was straightened this time with little to no makeup on, maybe curled your lashes and tinted your lips but that was about it.

Taehyung smiled at your presence as he jogged down to your stature. You waved at him before noticing Clara too, so you greeted her as well. “Hi Clara, are you coming too?”

The socialite puts on a smile and shook her head, “No, I have some family business to do.”She noticed the similarities to your wardrobe, but you both didn’t bother to notice. “But I hope you both have fun, okay? Tae, text me anything fun.“

Taehyung looked distracted, not even hearing what his girlfriend said. You nudged him and motioned towards Clara that she spoke to him. He turned back to see her and brainlessly nodded, “Have fun at work!” He grabbed your wrist as he unlocked the car. He basically dragged you into the vehicle as he didn’t want any more interactions happening between you and her.

Clara watched his car take off with you waving back and Taehyung ignoring her entire presence. As the vehicle grew smaller and finally out of sight, the socialite grimaced. Clenching her jaw, she had many thoughts going on and was suspicious of him, especially with you. She doesn’t know if she liked it or not, but one thing was for sure, she reached for her phone and sent a message.

“Taehyung, we’ve been driving for over an hour.” Looking through the tinted windows, you watched cars passing by and disrupting your view of the water. This was maybe the third bridge he drove through. But instead of coming out into a city, a small town came into your vision with many small businesses ahead.

“I don’t like being in Seoul as often as you think. There’s a place I know of that you might like. Plus, fewer people recognize me or just leave me alone compared to the city.” You stayed silent and nodded, but he knew you listened carefully. “Hmmm, you don’t like my driving?” He merely questioned as he took a left turn. “I would assume with the excellent music playlist and scenery would have you enjoying the ride.”

“Well, this is the first time I’ve seen you driving, let alone be in a car with just you.” You stated, turning back to see him focus on the road. You noticed how he removed his blazer and rolled up his sleeves. His veins were visibly seen through his honey skin. He only used one hand and held the steering wheel at the very bottom. “I’m not complaining though.”

The idol snuffed, glancing at you quickly before staring forward. “Must be weird then. We would used to walk, take the bus, or the train together.”

“Not weird…just been a while.” Shaking your head, you went back to sightseeing out your passenger window.

Taehyung’s eyes constantly shifted from gawking at you to the highway. Tightening his grip on the wheel, he used his unoccupied hand to listen to an old song that came up into shuffle. At the first beat of the song, your head shot towards the stereo receiver.

You snorted, completely incredulous at the music choice. “Jesus Christ, why do you have this on your playlist?” A smile crept up as the hit of nostalgia washed your face.

His signature boxy grin came up while watching you as he shrugged, “It’s all on shuffle. I’ve never heard it in a while, so I’m surprised as you are.”

“Do you still know the lyrics?”

“Of course, I do. You made me learn it from all the times we’ve heard it.” He scoffed as if the question shouldn’t have been asked in the first place. The traffic light turned red, making the vehicle at a stop.

“Well, let’s put it to the test then!” You challenged before amplifying the volume.

You both then sang the lyrics to the song, “Almost paradise!! A warmer day than the sun, the look in your eyes. It’s like having the whole world!” While at the stoplight, Taehyung finally focused his attention on the passenger’s seat to fully sing to you. “In my life!! Like a light in my weary life, you came to me and gave me love. If only I could keep it forever!”

“You are all of my love!” Taehyung sang or rather shouted.

“You are all of my life!” You continued.

“With my everything, I love you!!!” You sang together right before the light went back to green. While resuming the drive, you fell into a pit of laughter through what was once your favorite drama. You were surprisingly impressed that you remembered it, not seeing the show in ten years. But guess that’s what happens when you watched it eight times.

On the other hand, Taehyung’s body felt lighter after that. A very tiny memory was a core one at that moment, cherishing simpler times. It felt good, felt so right. The only thing he wished for was for the light to stay red a little longer.

“You still love plants, right?” He asked as you both entered the establishment. Eyes sparkled in delight when you scoped the nursery filled with various plants you’ve grown to learn over the years. Ranging from foliage to blooming to only in-season ones. It was getting colder and cloudier in Korea, so there were indoor growing lights built about the jungle of greenery. “Cats too?”

The place he brought you was also part of a cat cafe, so it combined two of your favorite interests into one. Not many individuals were here at the moment as the place opened for the day not too long ago. Scanning below you, you spotted different breeds of cats walking around, playing with scattered toys, napping, and laying down on towers

“Surprise you remembered that.” You mumbled, suppressing the excitement within you when you spotted a black feline strutting up to your form. Without thought, you picked the cat up and it immediately warmed up and trusted you. You cooed at the sight of its eyes slowly closing and melting into your arms.

Taehyung’s eyes shimmered at your interaction once again. He always knew how weak you were for animals. Back in Geochang, you would pet each chicken at his grandmother’s farm and play with other neighbors’ dogs every time you walked home together. You loved them and they loved you back.

“Why would I forget these things about you?” The idol inquired as he followed behind. You were distracted by all the plants and the kitties everywhere. “Plants were your hobby and animals were your interests.”

You turned back to him with an amused grin while he cocked an eyebrow playfully at you. He then stepped forward to reach out a hand toward the black cat. His finger stroked its head, and once he got approval, he ran his hands through the ebony coating.

“You love animals too.” You spoke up as you joined him in caressing the animal in your arms. “We used to be late in elementary school because we played with Banchan along the way.” The familiar mention of the Shiba Inu that used to live in the neighborhood brought many memories between you two. If possible, the same ones replayed in your heads.

On your first day of another school year, while holding hands, you and Taehyung walked a route your grandparents made to ensure safety for a six and seven-year-old. Though you both went to the same elementary school as his younger sister and brother, Taehyung was usually the last one to get out of bed so his siblings never bothered to wait for him and left earlier. But you did, so he’d never be lonely and you loved being with him.

However, it was very dangerous because you two were easily distracted especially regarding your interests. One of them being animals. That’s where Banchan the Shiba Inu came in because you quickly noticed the dog outside, held back by his leash. You ran up to him to give him some love while Taehyung wasn’t too far behind. Once the boy scratched his tummy, Banchan licked his face jubilantly, letting out laughter from the both of you.

Eventually, the owners, who were a sweet fairly young couple, heard your giggles and told you to go to school as it was already late into the schedule but promised that you could play with their dog after school. Though they received pouts and whines, you obliged and left for the school day, then came back once the day was over.

Needless to say, it became an occurring “Banchan morning love” time followed by being late for the past month, getting light scoldings from his parents and your grandparents after getting calls from your school. But the couple was kind enough to both of you by giving every Saturday dedicated to playing with Banchan, in exchange for being punctual. This continued until the couple moved out of Geochang the next year, bidding goodbye to your furry friend.

“He was too fluffy to not pet!” Taehyung still reasoned after all those years passed. His hand dropped to his side when he found an orange feline, cautiously stalking toward him. Watching his every move, the apricot-hued animal eventually slammed its body onto the idol, making him laugh at the aggressive begging to be pet. He carried it into his arms and paced beside you. “You have this Shiba Inu just hanging outside your house. Not expecting little kids to just go and play??”

You chuckled as those words were probably verbatim of our reasonings to his parents. “We still got our way.” Whilst holding the cuddly cat buddy, you roamed around the cafe nursery. The plant selection was gorgeous and difficult to even buy just one. You would buy one, but…now wasn’t a time to be spending willy-nilly.

“Do you still have your plant collection?” Taehyung asked, recollecting the memories of you repotting, watering, and talking to your babies (what you called them).

You sighed as you grazed your thumb over a leaf of a little monstera deliciosa. “No, unfortunately, I donated them away to the children’s center back home before I left. I wasn’t able to bring them all and I knew no one would be caring for them either.”

Taehyung’s mind recaptured memories of you and your grandmother tending toward the little porch garden. He never understood the immense hobby for it, but you enjoyed your plants and with that, he used to help you every now even educating himself. There were instances where he surprised Namjoon with his vast knowledge of certain plants and the caring they needed.

However, knowing that you’ve shared this hobby with your grandmother who passed long ago, it saddened him knowing you weren’t able to continue something you loved anymore, especially when it was with your grandmother. “H-how about your grandfather? He could have taken care of them.”

Something in your eyes peeked through. No spark, no light, it was rather dark, almost solemn but obscure. Taehyung couldn’t fully comprehend what it meant. To the best of his knowledge, the look seemed similar to an occurrence when you were younger but it was hard to tell. He hated not knowing.

Yet he had to remind himself his memories with you weren’t enough to know everything about who you were now and your current situations. How you used to be doesn’t equate to who you are now. But it was hard not to.

“Uh, just too old and such.” You rushed as you paid attention to the section of Devil’s Ivy. “Plus, his focus was on the fruits and vegetables in the land. It would be too much for him to handle on top of that.” You seemed a bit frazzled when you spoke, most likely not wanting to talk anymore about it. So you decided to change the topic, “Are you getting anything?” You moved further into the back of the nursery.

“I’m fine with getting some brunch in the cafe, but did you want anything?” He asked before settling the orange cat down. You did the same to your black one but plastered a kiss on its head before letting it free with its friends. Taehyung took notice of it and a side of his lips curved up.

“Uhh, no. I’m okay.” You shook your head, continuing to stare at the beautiful Peace lily plants. They didn’t have their flowers, but they were beautiful all year round. But Taehyung trailed your line of sight at them and saw a bit of longing and want. “You know Peace lily plants, or as they are scientifically called, Spathiphyllum, are known for their air-purifying abilities, and grow in a bright spot out of direct sunlight. They’re a bringer of peace, especially when they bloom their white flowers.” You rambled on with your in-hand facts as he listened. He never really understood, but somehow absorbed it easily.

Cutting your long speech, he commented, “Weren’t these your first plant?”

Stopping your mouth from moving, you blinked at him dumbstruck at his sharp mind. “How could you ev—I got Penny before I met you!” Yes, you named your Peace lily Penny, an American name but it was so easy to remember. And yes, your Peace lily was also a girl.

“You talked to her every day since we met before we would play. You talked to me about her and how special she was, and how excited you were every time she bloomed flowers.” Taehyung listed it down humorously and you couldn’t help but be stunned that he remembered all of that at the top of his head. “Also how could I forget when you cried when she died and found out they only last three to five years.”

Jesus Christ, you too remembered that day clearly. When you were eight, Penny died on you no matter how much you talked to her and fed water to her and drooping leaves. You wept into your grandmother’s arms and then into Taehyung’s before your grandmother explained that plants like Penny don’t last as long, it was part of their cycle.

Still, you were heartbroken, so to cheer you up, Taehyung gathered his entire household and yours to make a funeral, commemorating Penny, your first plant.

“I didn’t know!” You rolled your eyes, then cringed at the thought of your utter despair for a plant. “Then again, you and I both know death loves to come my way.”

You said it as a joke, but then Taehyung’s pupils dilated even choking on his spit. He tapped on his chest harshly while you rubbed his back as a sign of concern and comfort. Once he settled down into a calmer state, you said, “Guess my dark sense of humor is surprising to you?”

Of course, it was. Death was always a sensitive topic, especially experiencing it at a young age. You whined easily when your parents were mentioned or the words “dead” or “die” came into the conversation. “More so.” Taehyung shrugged worryingly in contrast to your light demeanor.

“It’s easier to cope with it.” You hummed, playing with the Peace lily’s bright green leaves. “Death, life, and especially when the people you love aren’t your life anymore.” You glanced back at his shocked state, observing the sudden pain in his eyes. You didn’t mean to say it like that, but it became a habit that you couldn’t stop yourself to do.

Taehyung said no comment on it, seeing as how casual you looked after you said that. He lets it be and wanted to lighten the mood. He shook himself out of the shock and cleared his throat. “If you want it, I’ll buy it for you.”

“No, I wouldn’t want that.” You scoffed before rolling your eyes.

“But I want to.” He pouted before inspecting the pots of Peace lilies for the perfect one. “Consider it as a gift. I invited you out anyway.”

“Taehyung, no!”

“Why not?!”

“Buying things is too much for me…” You mumbled, now fiddling with your fingers. Hoping he would understand, you also said, “They cost too.”

He hummed in response. “Does it look like I care about the cost? I’m not bragging but I am a world star.” You furrowed your eyebrows at his haughty explanation, it was quite entertaining. He meant well, but the words weren’t supporting him. He too caught on and wanted to mentally punch himself. “No, that’s no—lemme rewind.” You chuckled softly at his tense state as you crossed your arms over yourself. “I have a bit more spending money compared to when we were teens, so I’d like to give you things that you desire and want.”

You squinted at what he said, thinking very wrongly of it. “I’m not saying that it is, but you sounded like a sugar daddy.”

He opened his mouth, but quickly closed it, not knowing how to even respond to that. But he disregarded what you said. “The point is—I want to give things. I don’t mind paying. I love giving gifts. I’m a gift giver, to my friends, and family, and that also includes you, ___.”

Your teeth were in between your lips, still, not all convinced. “I still need to pay you back for the hospital bill.”

“That’s weeks ago and I don’t recall any mentions of you paying me back.” He retorted, completely baffled by your weak reasoning. “I wouldn’t have agreed either, so let that go.”

“Bu—”

“You’ve been eyeing these plants since we came here, I know you want them.” He lifted the perfect pot of Peace lily. The pigment held the summer vibrancy despite the Fall weather coming soon. A ray of leaves fanned out happily and proudly to its blossomed curve. It was still a baby, being held from the bottom of the terracotta pot with a single hand of Taehyung’s. “Even if you say no, I’ll still get them.”

“This one you picked up does have a nice shape to it.” You pointed out, but he knew you were inching to accept his offer.

“You also can start a collection here. I’ll even help you tend to them unless you want me to.”

“You do realize plants and the care are expensive.”

“Then I’ll provide them for you.”

“Okay, that’s too mu—”

“You loved planting, ___, but you had to stop.” He blurted out, zipping up any reasoning from you. “You did it with your grandmother too, it was something you bonded together over. Something you remembered her with.” He saw your eyes move around yet still managed the gaze you gave him. “I don’t want you to lose that.”

The mentioning of your grandmother ached your heart. It has been a while since you spoke about her. The vivid images of her teaching you about all those plants popped to mind, nostalgically and memorially. It was because of her, you found this loving hobby of plant care and it was something you never wanted to let go of, even if you left for Seoul.

Your eyes watered, but not enough for them to spill. You blinked continuously as you controlled your breath. You simply nodded, completely sold on what Taehyung said. “I’ll get him.” You retrieved the pot into your two hands as you scanned your new baby.

A bright smile morphed onto Taehyung’s face as he heard little whispers from you to the Peace lily. “Him now?” You hummed as you grinned happily. “Does he have a name?”

“Don’t know…maybe after you? Tae?” You quipped to which he laughed.

“Me? Why? You never named your plants after any of us?” He chirped as he looked at the plant. “But Tae seems nice for him.”

“They are known to be dramatic.” You informed. “They droop and act like they’re dying if you don’t water them or give attention.”

“Did you just insult me?” He gasped, putting a hand over his chest as if he was offended.

“No, it’s fact.” You snorted as you carried your baby in the cafe’s direction. “I’ve seen those Run BTS episodes.” Taehyung chuckled more as he retrieved more equipment you needed into his hands and arms.

You highlighted once again that you followed the band and its entertainment beyond music. It still stunned him, but only because he didn’t think you’d do so after what happened. He even talked about it briefly before. But you said that despite the ending of your friendship, you were tremendously proud of him and his members’ success. You loved the message they conveyed and all that they’ve done to endure it.

Not enough words or presents would express his gratitude towards you. He felt undeserving of your gentle actions and affable behavior, yet he was very selfish to continue to want it. In his eyes, you were never a pushover or an attached brat. You gave all that you could to those you loved because they were who you had in life, the only ones. They were the only ones who’ve seen the vulnerability and dedication in you and you weren’t willing to spread it as often even if you did. You were needy in the best of ways because it showed you also wanted a shoulder to lean on, especially maturing at a very early age.

There were so many things about you that screamed perfection, caring, warm-hearted, and resiliency. Just you in general, and Taehyung was eternally grateful to see it through his own very eyes as well as experience the way you gave yourself and spoke to him with so much passion and tenderness. No one was more true than you, his Blue.

In the past, there were so many reasons why Taehyung loved you, and unexpectedly—at least to him—why he hopelessly fell in love with you.

Knowing each other since a young age and being best friends, it was obvious how much Taehyung loved you. He always loved you, even telling it to you many times every day. It was so easy to say and he meant it. He would do anything for you. He cared and wanted to protect you. You even said it back, so it was natural to speak about love within your relationship.

However, loving and being in love was not as obvious. There was a fine line between the two that was difficult to pinpoint. It often gets the betterment of people, even when they’re older and wiser. You can bounce from one to the other all you want without realizing it, but you eventually had to choose a side.

In Taehyung’s case, he learned about this decision at the beginning of his teenage years. In his first year of high school and when he first joined his soccer club, his older players would bring up topics about sex and love more than they should. Teammates were split in half, wanting sex and wanting love. He didn’t listen as much, but he did recall somewhere along the lines of having a partner to hold and cherish eternally.

With that, he went to his father regarding the love his teammates were talking about. “Well, the definition of love is very broad and can be interpreted many ways, son.” His father, Jitae, began, cocking his head to the side in thought.

“They talked about having someone to hold and adore eternally,” Taehyung repeated from his memories.

“Hmm, so I guess my example would be me and your mom.” Jitae brought out as he clapped his hands together. “Because I love having her by my side and being by her side. I’m in love with your mom, and that will never change.”

“In love?” He questioned, not getting what that meant. “Don’t you love us? We’re your kids!”

His father laughed endearingly at his son. “Of course, I love you, and Eunjeong, and Sungyeon. I love all of you! You three gave me all the more reasons to love and stay on Earth.” He defended. “However, loving and being in love are different. The love I have for your mom is different from my love for my kids.”

“What did you mean?”

“I certainly don’t want to go into detail, but I’m head over heels for your mom. I’ve been way before we had you three. You kids gave me a reason to stay on Earth, she gave me a reason to be alive. Every time I look at her, my heart starts racing or skips a beat. I’m deeply committed to her as she does to me. She’s my partner, my wife. She’s my connection, she makes me feel better, do greater, a comfort.” Jitae explained thoroughly. “I would do anything for her.”

While Taehyung processed these thoughts and explanations, he had certain questions. “Will I have that? Do I have that now?”

“I hope that you’ll have that.” Smiling, his father patted down his son’s hair. “And to answer your second question, you’re still young. I found your mom when we were in our 20s, so there’s a lot of time. But there are possibilities.”

“Like?”

“Well, do you have someone who you’re in love with?” Jitae picked out as he stared at Taehyung. “Having a connection, to make you feel better, do greater, your comfort. Heart skips every time. You would do anything for them.”

Taehyung had no answer as he tried his best to think with his developing adolescent brain. Jitae had a specific person in mind but decided not to say anything for his son to figure it out himself.

Time passed, yet his mind stayed stagnant with this idea. It intrigued him to an extent, wondering if he would ever have the experience of feeling how his dad felt toward his mom. He knew that he loved all around, his parents, his siblings, his friends, your grandparents, and of course, you. But the act of being in love?

He thought about what his father had told him, being connected, feeling better, and doing better. A comfort in his life, and would do anything for them. The list was easy to eliminate options. Well, there was nothing to cancel out because all those traits went straight to you. You were the first person that popped into his head.

Strange though…or rather perplexed to say the least. How would it be possible? He loved you, that was a given, but in love? You weren’t a partner or wife, you were his best friend, his Blue! Does that even suffice?

Suddenly a realization was brought upon him. Heart beating fast, skipping beats? He doesn’t think he has ever gotten that from you. He took you into his arms many times, even intertwining his fingers together with yours. He kissed your temples, head, and cheeks. Yet nothing happened to his heart.

Maybe you weren’t the one he was in love with. His father did say that he was still young and had a lot of years ahead. Why did this even bug his mind anyway? Why was he thinking too much about this? He was a teenager; he needed to think about other things like gaming, friends, and sleep. Anything really besides love.

He did love you though and wouldn’t give up anything in the world to not have that feeling anymore.

However, it took a while for him to see how special you so were to him. And how did he find out?

You had your first crush.

It was some boy named Jinhwan in your class. He was a kind and smart boy from what you told him and even let you borrow his pen when yours ran out of ink. You partnered up with him one day on an assignment and you have gotten to know him better. Days after he kept talking to you during breaks and sometimes bypassing. Each encounter felt more whimsical and fluttering to your heart, and eventually, you realized that you had a crush on him.

However, get this—you didn’t tell Taehyung.

You surprisingly spoke to his sister, which shocked and insulted him. He didn’t understand why because he was your best friend after all. All that information was from Eunjeong who assumed that you told him. New flash, you didn’t and it flabbergasted the boy.

He felt offended that you didn’t tell him and told his sister. His sister?? Last thing he remembered he was your best friend, not her. You told him everything, you even told him when you got your first period before anyone else. Why’d you tell her and not him?

There was a slight tinge of jealousy coursing through his body. Not sharing was partial towards his emotion, but the primary reason was the very thought of you liking another boy.

It was weird and uncomfortable for him. Like why have a crush on a boy that you met at your school? Gross. QYou practically knew nothing about him except that that Jinhyuk boy was nice, but that wasn’t even a fact and that was based on judgment by the individual. If you had a crush on someone, it should be someone that you knew for a long time, who understood you, who cherished you, who kept you in their arms at all times, and who would give the world to you. Someone like hi—

Yeah, he realized he was in love with you.

But he suppressed them right now to be upset, but not at you though. Only the fact that you didn’t tell him. Whether or not he was in love with you, but he really was, you didn’t inform him of something important that could change your life. He was about to march to your house when Eunjeong stopped him to inform him that you stayed back at school because Jinhwan asked to speak with you. Rumor has it that he was going to confess to you, indicating he too had a crush on you. Mutual pining. And that made Taehyung’s heart sink into an abysmal hole.

Fuck, it was too late.

Taehyung waited on the steps of your front porch, staring down at his feet. Hours passed since school ended and there was no sight of you near. He felt worried, upset, sad, and all various kinds of emotions right now, but most importantly, in love. In love with you.

Why didn’t he notice it any sooner? Then again, nothing changed between you two. Yeah, you were getting older, developing maturely and elegantly. But you were you, his Blue. He was him, your Hyungie. There was no difference within your dynamic, other than getting closer to one another as the seconds went on. So if this was true, then was he in love with you this whole time? How would that even be possible? He was a child when he met you. Yet again, he always loved you since the moment he met you.

The sound of shoes dragging along the concrete and sniffles broke his running mind. Once he raised his head, he was met with your puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks. Mouth quivered loosely with every rapid gasp coming out of you to stop the weeping of your cries. His mind went full alarm as he shot up from the stairs to go up to you.

With every step, he cautiously observed you. You were fighting back the sobs as you tried pursing your lips together. But when he puts you in between his arms with his hands around your back, he asked, “My Blue, what happened? What did he do to you?”

You broke every resistance inside of you and cried like a baby into his chest. The same exact cry when you ran away after Jinhwan stole your first kiss and embarrassed you by laughing at your confession in front of his friends. Little did you know it was all recorded, or when you were crying your poor self out behind a building, so then he proceeded to upload it online for everyone.

So you bawled out even more so until you were tired of crying and mindlessly walked home. But you saw your worried best friend waiting for you, ready to give you the comfort you needed and deserved. Your entire soul collapsed onto him.

“Hy-Hyun-Hyungie!” You keened, slithering your arms over his chest as you gripped onto his uniform shirt that you drenched in your tears. “I-I-I—”

“Shhh, no. It’s okay. You’re safe, Blue.” He shushed you as he had one hand over your head and the other hooked around your waist. Your form bounced as your sobbing overpowered your breathing. “I’m here now. Don’t worry. I’ll always be here.”

After hours passed once again, you, fortunately, stopped shedding tears though your emotions were still heightened and intense. You had to lie to your grandparents and say that you were sick to not go to school the following day. They knew you weren’t ill, but they knew something was up since it was uncommon of you. They let you be and hoped it’d make you feel okay.

Taehyung never left your side, having you in his arms or within reach. He even slept over for the night. But once it hit your “bedtime,” your minds were still awake. Your best friend thought it was a good idea for you to escape for the time being, so you both did. And what better way than to sneak out of your window in the dead of night to go to the park and hang out under the blossoming tree? It was your favorite pastime together after discovering that you could do things without your grandparents and his parents knowing.

When the gentle breeze touched your skin, the serenity of the starry sky pricked with specks of stars, and no one else but your best friend was right by your side. You let the setting calm every nerve in you, closing your eyes and taking the deepest breaths.

Taehyung kissed your hair before resting his cheek on the top of your head. His growth spurge over the winter time let him be much bigger than your stature. He hated seeing you like that, heartbroken, undeserving of what happened to you, and crying over some stupid ass boy who doesn’t deserve shit from you or anyone. He wanted to beat this boy up, but you told him no because he wasn’t worth it and you hated violence. He had to oblige, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t call his sister up and tell her to punch him in the throat.

“How are you feeling now, Blue?” He whispered, staring up at the night before you.

“Less crappy, but better now.” You sighed, laying your head on his shoulder and leaning closer toward his form. “I feel like an idiot.”

“No, you’re not. Those boys were dicks and Jinseok guy was a complete asshole.” Taehyung countered, feeling upset that you were talking down upon yourself. “You didn’t deserve anything that was given to you like that.”

“Still, I fell for it.” You frowned as you stared down at your fingers playing with each other. “I should have known. No boy ever liked me because I’m ugl—”

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence.” He interjected sharply, his restrained vocal cords due to puberty somehow helped his voice drop an octave. “Don’t ever succumb your worth with pea-minded small dick boys.”

“Then why aren’t I liked by anyone?” You complained, balling your hands into fists as you tried controlling the tears that threatened to come out again. “So many of my peers got confessions, always overheard boys talk about how pretty my classmates were, or even asked me about Eunjeong because she thought she was cute and I knew her.”

“Blue—”

“And don’t get me started on you.” Your attention went on him and his large irises looking back questionably. “You told me about all the confessions you had from this past year alone and how you rejected them all, but you still keep getting them.”

“___—”

“I mean it’s a given that you’ve always been handsome and always nice and caring to others. I just feel so shitty about myself because I don’t ever feel confident in myself, as a best friend and as a—”

“No!” Taehyung shouted, causing you to flinch and pause your rambling. His mind was all over the place. First, you called him handsome and while you did consistently mention it in the past, this was the first time he noticed how much his heart was racing and how he was getting squirrels in his stomach.

Second, he didn’t like hearing your self-deprecations at all. Did you really think so lowly of yourself? Not once did you show any signs. It wasn’t right and he should have caught on earlier.

“Stop doing that. Stop talking bad about yourself.” He shook his head before reaching out for your hands to hold. “And don’t compare yourself to others, Blue.”

“How can I not? I’m surrounded by it all the time, aka you!”

“I-I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”

“No, no. Not you. I’m sorry. I—” You stopped yourself, trying to collect your thoughts into a reasoning argument. “I just feel like I’m not good enough sometimes. Like I guess, this was more than that stupid prank and lie Jinhwan did or not being liked by anyone. Like, I’m never enough to satisfy or be worth something in someone’s life.”

For some odd reason, he couldn’t help but chuckle. Sure, your words were raw and from the depths of your heart but really? Not enough to be worth something in someone’s life? Seemed a little bit exaggerated.

Hearing his laughter, your eyebrows pinched together and cheeks puffed into anger at his response. But before you could even get a single sound out of you, he commented, “Now that’s an insult to me.”

Now your expression resembled confusion, “What do you m—”

“Why would you even say something like that when you’re literally everything in my life?”

His words punched you in the throat, taking your very breath away. “D-don’t—you don’t mean that! I said something, not—”

“Now why would I lie? I never lie to you! I do mean that, and I said everything because you are everything!” Taehyung retorted. He used one hand to hold your waist, pulling you into his lap. Sitting in between his legs, you laid back onto his chest as his chin stayed on your shoulder. “You mean so much more than you could ever imagine to me. Y-yo-you’re my best friend, Blue. I can’t have you think that you’re any less for others, me, and yourself especially. It breaks my heart knowing that I’m not helping you through that.”

“Don’t carry my burden on you.” You muttered quietly. “My whole self-esteem is just at its low and blowing out of proportion. I just became a teenager. You can’t really help me on this one.”

“I bet I can.” His eyes lit up, making you turn back to see him. Your faces were centimeters away. While you stared casually at his face, he felt his breathing slipping away at the gorgeous sight of you under the fluorescent moon. He managed to catch him without notice and continued. “I—I think you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve seen in my entire life, and I’m blessed that I get to see you every single day. If people don’t see it, they weren’t gifted with seeing the true beauty that you hold.”

You gawked wordlessly, pupils dilating by the second as he spoke with endearment and authenticity. Heartbeat fastened as he spoke on. “___ ___, you’ve been and always will be worth it, in my life, in your grandparents’ life, my family’s, anyone who comes across you. Don’t support that mindset with people of less importance in your life because it doesn’t help you. Focus on who matters, like you.”

“I can help by reminding you to not speak such foulness about yourself, pointing out the way you impact my and your loved ones’ lives, and showing you how beautiful you are because you truly are.” Using his unoccupied hand, he pushed a strand out of your face and tucked it behind your ear. “These little boys must have dead skin cells coming out of their shit-stained mouths if they don’t think you, ___ ___, are beautiful.”

You blinked rapidly and your lower lips pouted out as if it was the only reaction you could give. The little voice in your head begged to differ. But with his piercing coffee-swirled eyes at you, it slowly diminished and lowered its volume. It was hard to tell with your conscious, but you believed him even if it was just a little bit.

You saw him leaning closer, his eyes shut smoothly. Staying still but eyes widening with every centimeter closer, your mind was on blast, anticipating his next move. However, he did a little turn-up and kissed the tip of your nose lightly.

You shook your head out of surprise. Why did you expect something else? Of course, Taehyung was always affectionate toward you. You couldn’t react any further as he brought you closer to him and peppered kisses onto your shoulder. You blinked away and focused straight into the night, trying to relax.

“The only thing I wish I could do was to stop that kiss from happening.” He spoke again with a huff. “I’m sorry your first kiss was with that fucking jerk. God, are you sure you don’t want me to beat him up?”

There the tenseness you didn’t realize you had in your body blew away and was replaced by laughter. “You shouldn’t resort to violence. He was a dick, but I can’t change the past. I wished too though.”

“Which is why you should always come to me first before you go do something.” Taehyung scolded in a know-it-all way, making you roll your eyes in defense. “I didn’t even know you had a crush until Eunjeong told me and she only did so because she thought I knew already! Why didn’t you tell me, Blue?”

Your form suddenly shrunk and sunk into his body, feeling the hotness steaming up your cheeks. “I know I tell you everything, but this was different…”

“How is it different?”

“I-I-I needed a girl’s opinion.”

“Oh.” Was all he could say. It made sense, you were a girl while he was a boy. There were certain things he may not understand from a guy’s perspective and he couldn’t defend himself.

“Don’t worry. I learned my lesson. If I like someone, I’ll be sure to tell you.” You promised.

But you never did.

“And I will do the same back.” He added, to open your communication together.

“You know I don’t think you ever told me you had a crush on someone.” You mentioned, tilting your head as you gazed into the distance with wonder.

You heard a deep chuckle followed by a vibration on your back. “That’s because back then I don’t think I liked someone enough to consider it a crush.”

“Then surely, you have someone that you like. I mean you’re in high school too with new people.”

“Yes, I’m in high school but that doesn’t mean anything.” He shrugged as he nuzzled into your neck, making you giggle at the ticklishness.

“So you don’t like any girl, or guy, or someone?” You tried your best not to assume anything. Since he didn’t like anyone, you didn’t know what he liked.

He laughed again, throwing his head back. “You’re so silly sometimes.” Exhaling, he smiled warmly while squeezing your hand. You focused on him with your doe eyes, an innocent smile faint on your lips. He looked down for a split second, hoping you didn’t notice. Judging by the continued look on your face, you weren’t seeing anything out of the ordinary. But he could see everything changing in him, in you, and between each other.

He was stuck in this conundrum. It would be selfish of him to tell you how he felt after getting your heart broken by another. You most likely won’t reciprocate back and he doesn’t even know how you think of him beyond being his best friend. He also didn’t want to ruin the friendship, the strong bond you two created for nearly ten years to be destroyed because he caught feelings for you. He loves you. Dear God, he was in love with you and only you.

But he couldn’t do it. And he didn’t know if he will ever.

“I-If-If I like someone, I’ll be sure to tell you, Blue.” He replied carefully as his fingers tapped over the smooth skin on the back of your hands.

But he never did.

“‘Kay!” You didn’t think any more of it. In fact, you felt a whole lot better after talking to Taehyung. He always knew how to reassure you about your insecurities and dilemmas your teenage brain liked to give you and cause harm. Your fingers found their way to intertwine with his. “At least I know I’ll always have one guy in my life that I’ll love.” His eyes widened, lips slightly parting. “I will always love you, Hyungie.” You pressed your lips onto his soft cheek before you laid your head onto the crevice of his shoulder.

He doesn’t know if you felt how hard his heart thumped in his chest. If you did, you don’t bother bringing it up. He doesn’t know this feeling, was it good or bad? But having you in his arms felt so perfect. Yet the fear of you finding out dreaded his entire soul. It would break him if something were to happen between you two. Was this what being in love was like? Why was it scaring him?

“A-and I will always love you, Blue.” He meant it at the bottom of his heart, but he didn’t mean it in the way you did.

And he doesn’t think it would be from here on.

You made it through the day with Taehyung. An invisible thin barrier held you back earlier in the day, but it eventually evaporated the more you talked to him, like how you were before. You don’t know how many hours passed in that cafe because together you spent all that time eating and playing with the cats. You opened up a little more to him and told him about your college years and why you chose to move to Seoul.

You explained how stagnant life has been for you for a while and thought you’d lead to nowhere if you continued to stay in the area you lived for your entire life. You managed to get by and thought of suppressing the feeling until your grandfather convinced you. You were very much hesitant, as it was going to be out of your comfort zone, but you and he both knew it was the right decision to make. It was also the only school that accepted you that wasn’t in Geochang, because it was the only one you applied for that wasn’t Geochang.

Taehyung did try to ask a question about your grandfather, but he noticed how brief and vague your answers were. You changed the subject and turned it on him when he did so. Maybe you weren’t ready to talk about it? Or you just didn’t want to tell him. Ever since his family moved as well as the passing of your grandmothers, contact has been lost through the years. Even if Taehyung tried to contact back, he wouldn’t know if you were still in Geochang or not and unfortunately, he did not have the time to check.

Nonetheless, the two of you enjoyed your time together. Of course, while staying hidden for Taehyung’s sake. After the cafe, he drove back into the city where he kinda took you shopping. You say kinda because he attempted to buy things for you and you said no, but he didn’t care so you just walked away from him. He got the message and begged for forgiveness, but it was all fine. You treated him corn dogs as a light snack or at least attempted to because when you pulled out of your wallet, he tapped his card with ease.

When the sun went down, you assumed the day was over, but not for the idol. He took you to a jazz nightclub he has been dying to go to for ages. Everyone he invited was always busy or tired. He even invited Clara, and they were about to go but she got sick.

The opportunity was right there, so Taehyung insisted. You didn’t mind at all, you were excited about it. By the end of the time there, you loved every second of it, even catching some songs here and there. It surprised him, but he never realized until now that it was you who introduced him to the love of jazz.

Nighttime fell when the both of you got out, and the city lights illuminated the area. For a Sunday night, it was pretty crowded and Taehyung suggested going somewhere quiet. You were about to protest that it was time to go home, but your stomach gargled aloud that the idol wanted to put food in you right away. Knowing he wasn’t taking a no on this one, you gave up.

But you settled for some street food, rice and fish cakes, bibimmyeon, suyuk,and ice cream for dessert. Taehyung knew a nearby park and thought it’d be nice to eat under a tree, getting away from all the people. So here you were—stomachs filled to the brim and enjoying the nice view from where you say while tasting the sweet confection.

Once in a while, Taehyung mentioned memories of him and his members regarding instances perfect for the moment. This one was about the park. “I used to come here a lot with Jimin actually, when we were younger. It was always secluded, so even after debut, no one was around.”

“I wonder why? This place is amazing at night.” Your eyes roamed at the calm scenery. The cooling autumn wind caressed you while the hours of darkness cascaded around. The stars weren’t as prominent, but they were exchanged by the blinking lights of the city buildings and skyscrapers.

It almost felt like deja vu.

Taehyung looked over towards you and noticed how you stared into the outlook. A tender grin crept on your mouth as you slowly closed your eyes.

“Never bothered to ask that when you finally get privacy.” He muttered as he finished his ice cream and threw it in the trash bag you made. “Been a while since I came here though. I miss it here. Jimin would also like it too.”

A giggle came out of you, “You talk about your members a lot.”

“I-Is-Is that noticeable?” A peak of blush swiped across his cheeks.

“Well, from the whole day, yeah. I practically know everything about them through you.” You snuffed in delight. “It’s nice though. You care about them. I’m sure with the break, you don’t see them as often?”

“Yeah, the last time I saw everyone together was Jungkook’s party. Everyone is doing their own thing.” Taehyung informed with a deep sigh. “I do care about them, and miss them. But lately, it’s a bit of bother sometimes that I’m glad I’m away from them.”

You flung your eyes open in shock before turning to meet his attention. “What do you mean?”

“There’s just a lot going on in my own life, and I feel like they coddle or smother me with things.” He explained, but not enough to give too many details. He has yet to tell you what his current situation was and was a bit insecure about it. He knew you wouldn’t judge, you were the last person he’d ever think to judge, but the timing wasn’t right. He recently got you back into his life, but he thought it would be too much for you to find out what happened to your best friend all these years in between. A bit ashamed, really.

Unlike him, you don’t further speculate. You hummed in response, moving forward from the topic. But you do say, “As you care for them, they care for you even if it’s the type you don’t want.”

He didn’t have any response to that. Instead, he shifted the topic to something lighter to mend his curiosity. “You know how you’ve been following the group and all,” The idol began and you waited for him to continue. “So who’s your favorite in the group?”

With that, a hearty laugh spewed out of your lips with your shoulders shaking. Taehyung’s eyes widened at your giddy expression. This was the first time he heard you laugh so hard since the reunion. If anything, in a while for that matter. He missed that wonderful sound, seeing the happiness and enjoyment shine off of you. It was the best thing he ever experienced with you.

“Why?” You asked as the giggling died down.

“I mean you’ve seen our content and finally met the guys, so I’m sure you would have a favorite.” Taehyung reasoned as he leaned back into the tree trunk. “Despite loving us equally, fans have those bias and bias wreckers, right?”

“They would freak out if they knew that you knew that.” You said before exhaling deeply. “I guess I do have a favorite.”

“Who?” He sounded way too excited there, then realized you probably never chose him so he shrunk into his body.

“Do you think it would have been you?” You inquired humorously.

“A-At first, but then, I forgot we’ve stopped talking and…you hated me.”

You observed his behavior, feeling rather unguarded of himself when he spoke. You sensed the shame seeping out of him. “Yeah, we didn’t talk but I never hated you, Taehyung.” You licked your lips, remembering the earlier times when you did say those hurtful words. “I did say it back then, but as I said, I never meant it.”

“So, does that mean I was your favorite?” His pupils sparkled underneath the moonlight.

“No, it’s Hoseok.” You replied scoffingly. “Even if I didn’t hate you, that didn’t mean I chose you as my favorite. Are you kidding me?” You say as you finished your dessert, and threw it into the bag.

“So why Hoseok Hyung?” The pout on his lips was so evident that he was somewhat offended you didn’t choose him. “What does he have that made you pick him?”

“First off, super talented with his rapping and dancing. I like his style, as an artist and for fashion. He’s practically innocent in all the shit you do with games and jokes, I feel bad sometimes just watching him get punished. Sweet, down to Earth, great smile, handsome, I forgot to sa—”

“Okay, I get it. You like him!” The idol interjected. His tone was infused with green envy as you were able to list down many characteristics about his member without thought.

You grinned at how he was being, but never acknowledged it so he wouldn’t be embarrassed as much. But maybe, just maybe you wanted to point another thing out. “It also sealed the deal when you had to kiss him as a penalty.”

A combination of grimace, scowl, and disgust appeared on his face at the horrible and traumatizing memory. It was a punishment, for something he can’t remember and didn’t want to, but it was still a punishment. It also didn’t help that that was his first kiss. Hoseok hated it, he hated it, and for that, it was lost in the past until you brought it up.

“Please, don’t bring that up.” He wallowed in agony, but you kept smiling. “Before you say anything else, yes, he was my first kiss. It’s one of the most tragic things ever.”

While he covered his face with his palms, he doesn’t notice the smile going flat on you as you watched him. Once he looked back up, you held the curves of the mouth up. “It’s fine. At least we both have shitty first kisses, but you had it with someone you care for.”

Taehyung muttered something you couldn’t quite comprehend before his phone vibrated on the grass. It caught both of your attention and saw that it was Clara messaging him. There were twenty-four messages specifically. He then grabbed his phone to view her texts.

The harsh taps on his screen followed him throwing his phone into his jacket. Frowning as he looked back up into the sky, he blew a sigh through his nostrils. He seemed frustrated, probably from what was said in between texts. You didn’t want to assume thought. You then checked the time and it was close to midnight. Maybe that had to do with it.

“We should go, it’s getting late.” You cleared your throat as you began gathering the trash bags.

His head turned in your direction, “Are you tired?”

“Kinda, I also have school and work tomorrow.” You stated. “You should go home too because Clara might get upset for not coming home early.”

“She’s fine.” He mumbled, waving it off. “I just told her we’re still having our dinner and stuff…”

He wasn’t necessarily lying, but it didn’t sound right either. “Was she okay with it?”

“Yeah, I guess so.” He shrugged before smacking his lips. “So do you wanna go home now? Don’t want you to stay out too late to have fewer hours of sleep. How’s that by the way?”

You rolled your eyes, grinning a little at his concern for your health. “Better, but I still don’t get the ideal eight hours. Grad school is a bit hard and time-consuming, so it’s nice to do things like this.” You gestured around you.

“So I’m assuming you don’t want to go yet?” The idol smirked as he nodded toward the parking lot.

You thought about it for a second. If Clara was fine with him staying out and spending time with you, then you guessed that it wouldn’t hurt to stay a little longer. You were enjoying the view before you when she texted. “Maybe a few more minutes.” You held your thumb and index up, signaling a tiny space between the two as emphasis.

Taehyung chuckled at your demeanor, he saw more of a playful you opening up. He too didn’t want to leave just yet, and certainly not leave because his girlfriend said so. This was his time with you, and he wanted to cherish it.

The both of you continued to sit in silence, gazing into the city night. This place was a perfect spot to see the bridge, the buildings, and the lights, yet remained secluded. It was fascinating to you how different Seoul nights were compared to Geochang. Your hometown wasn’t as crowded and you would always see familiar faces. However, here, every day was different, and areas were swarming. Though the majority of the customers were old, working at the restaurant made you shocked at how late people enjoyed going out. If anything, Geochang had an unofficial curfew at ten at night.

As you were staring, there was a little voice in your head shouting about Clara. After meeting and conversing with her, you saw how genuine and lovely the socialite was. She was invested in the things you spoke about as well as passionate about what she does but remained as humble. Clara would ask questions about how Taehyung was when he was younger and learned more about her boyfriend.

You didn’t hate her, there was no reason to. She was always good to you, but deep down, you felt somewhat uncomfortable being near her. You found yourself comparing her to you, and you didn’t understand why. After all, she was Kim Taehyung’s girlfriend of five years—that was a long time and would probably marry her.

While you were just an estranged friend from his younger years.

“So…” You spoke out, taking his attention away from the scenery. “I didn’t mention it before, but good to see you with someone. You and Clara.”

“Really?” He sounded in disbelief.

“Yeah,” Your pitch was a little higher than usual, but you were genuine.

The entire time you’ve known him, he never voiced out liking or wanting anyone. It concerned and agitated you at one point, even when he left for training. You really don’t know what happened in that ten-year gap, but he came out with a pretty steady girlfriend who loves him dearly.

“At least by now, I know you can fall in love or have a crush on someone.” You quipped as you nudged him by the shoulder. He stayed quiet for a bit, processing what you said but you continued with your speech. “I think Clara’s great for you, almost complementing your entire aura. You have an old soul while she’s very refreshing.” While you blabbered away about his girlfriend, Taehyung felt sour and filled with a grimace which he tried his best to cover it up with a deadpan. “On top of it all besides being sweet, Taehyung, she’s so gorgeous. You would pick someone like her. She’s so pr—”

“Excuse me, ___.” He cuts you off with irritation oozing out of his pores. Your eyes stayed on his, wondering what set him off on what you said. You weren’t saying anything negative or ridiculing at all. “You know you’re beautiful too.”

His words threw you off, making you snort in disbelief and shook your head. Why did that even matter right now? You kept a joyous expression in contrast to the seriousness Taehyung held. “I know…ish.”

That was also true. You have grown to accept and love yourself for who you were and what you looked like after many adolescent years of struggle. Your features didn’t exceed the high standards of Clara, but you made it a point and lifestyle in your grown life that before your grandmother died, she always mentioned how uniquely captivating you always were, looking different in the best way possible.

Of course, it was shocking to get compliments from others. As well as your conscious had a habit of making you compare yourself to others, whether it was good or bad. Like for this instance—Clara.

But you wanted to breeze on from his statement. “But that’s beside the point—”

“No, I hear that tone, ___. You’re comparing yourself to her.” Taehyung informed as if it was a fact about you, which it was. Yet you didn’t want him to know that.

You sighed, not understanding the big deal of it all. “I’m not talking down on myself! I swear. I’m just saying…” Your eyes shifted down to the ends of your dress. “Clara is pretty and you really won with her.”

“I don’t care about pretty. I love beautiful.”

That caused you to lift your head and meet his eyes, which you didn’t know pierced at you for who knew how long. You didn’t even realize how near he has gotten to you. The fabric of your clothes touched his pants. Your torsos twisted to continue the eye contact.

The look on him…was a familiar feeling and time. It held something you didn’t want to see or think about after those years of struggle because if you did, another wall buried deep down inside your entity would come crashing down.

“Taehyung, you can’t—”

“I can.” He disagreed, leaning closer. “Because I remembered promising you that I’d show you how beautiful you are, how special you really are, ___.”

“This literally has nothing to do with me!” You refuted, trying to deny any claim he had about you. But you stayed frozen as he slowly inched forth. It wasn’t odd because Taehyung was always known to be affectionate, but it sure was concerning you right now. “Can’t I compliment your gorgeous girlfriend?”

“No, because she already gets that from everyone around her. She doesn’t need any more of that.” He grumbled. His eyes quickly glanced down at your face, enough for you to notice. “But it relates to you because of your eyes. They held insecurity and concern, I remember that look. It was the same look when you got your heartbroken back in middle school by that dumbass boy.”

It surprised you at times, how Taehyung was able to catch on and read you like a book even after years of disappearance. From the first couple of months of renewing the friendship, not a time goes by when he remembered little things about you despite your constant protest of being a changed person. Maybe personality-wise shifted into a cruel sarcastic approach, but the habits were consistent.

Albeit to your annoyance to him on that, you couldn’t help but do the same more often than you should.

“___, when I say this, I mean it and I take it to my grave,” Taehyung announced, irises boring at yours with no play. “Stop comparing yourself to others. I know it’s hard, but it’s harder to live with it. It doesn’t help you or the others around you. I never liked when you do that.”

You bit the inside of your cheek, hearing his objection. You didn’t want what you said to end up like this, but there was no doubt that he interpreted it to a t. You didn’t think he’d still care enough about you like that. What else goes on in his head that you didn’t expect?

Out of nowhere, he held your cheek with his palm, snapping you out of your daze. He was now so close to you that with any movement, something would touch. It was like before when you were younger with him and had the status of a best friend with a purposeful and deeper meaning. “You’re still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my life, ___.” Your pupils dilated at his reveal. Cheeks spreading with flushness and warmth you hated to expect. “Wouldn’t want any better. Any person would be lucky to have you.”

Excuse me? He said that way too personally. Why the fuck would he say that to you? It started to frighten you, furrowing your eyebrows and cocking your head to the side. Yet he focused on your reaction with sincerity, nothing in what he spoke upon held no lie and you knew it.

There was a pause in the air, holding your breaths. The familiar warmth to your irises soothed his body down just by the look. It was as if his vision pulled him back in time where he saw you exactly like this, underneath a tree late at night with sparkles gleaming on you. The swift capture of your thirteen-year-old self before your current self settled before him. He wanted this moment to last for as long as he remembered.

And without thinking, he closed the gap between you two as he shuts his eyes and puckered his lips.

Hoping to find softness and sweetness, but there was no avail on the other side. It was the complete opposite. A harsh reddened ache ran through his cheek before he peeled his eyes open to reveal a raging you fueled with perfidy.

You smacked his face again, but this time harder than the last before you pushed yourself away from him, almost a meter away. Your mouth gaped as you stood up from the grass and patted yourself clean to get the fuck away from him.

Eyes widening as large as a goldfish, Taehyung realized what he tried to do. Scrambling to get up and beg for redemption, he tried to speak but you interrupted him. “Here I thought you wanted to be my friend again, but you deceived me and I don’t want nothing of it!” You snarled before grabbing your bad and shouldering it over.

“Wait, ___. I’m sorry! I don’t know what c—”

“Save it! I don’t wanna hear your bullshit!” There you walked away from the scene angry and disappointed with shame all over you. You needed to get away, you couldn’t stay. But you were pulled back by the wrist and twirled around to see a worried and frightened idol searching for mercy on you.

“___, please. I-I’m sorry, I—”

You snatched your wrist back, breathing through your nostrils in hopes it calmed your wrath. “I don’t care if you’re sorry! Fucking think about your girlfriend! Why would you even fucking dare to do that?”

“I-I wasn’t thi—”

All of sudden, you yanked him by his collar. Pulling him close to see the break of trust in your livid pupils, you seethed, “I will not be some home wrecker.” You pushed him roughly, almost making him imbalance but he stabilized his feet. “You lost my trust. I don’t wanna fucking see you anymore.”

You never looked back and continued your path out of the park. You thought he would have followed you again, but when you heard the cries of your name at a distance, you knew he wasn’t going to try. Maybe you were too rash, or maybe you said things you didn’t mean. It didn’t matter anymore.

But you knew that if you ever saw him again, you would think differently of him.

Tagged: @manuosorioh @kaal-ee @thvxstf @dahliasbouqet @bertqut1 @fuckthinking @taebangtanbabe

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librarycards · 11 months

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hey there cav. this is sort of a fraught question but. how do I engage with psychiatry when I'm antipsych? I need treatment but I have so much distrust and I feel like it's all bullshit. I don't really have a support system and there's few peer support resources in my area. I can't do this myself but I cant trust this system. soooo... tips for finding therapists that don't suck & getting the most of it? really appreciate your blog and posts, thanks

thank you for entrusting this message to me, I appreciate it! I have answered questions like this a few times before (they're buried somewhere, if you can't find them in my "ask" tag, lmk and i'll try to dig them up!). it's definitely fraught inasmuch as we're never (as people who hate psych but need specific, urgent support that communities aren't by default set up to provide) going to get an answer that we 100% want, but also very not-fraught inasmuch as most of us agree that surviving in this sea of partiality is something we can do together, with love and nonjudgement.

so, for context: i was in therapy - first behaviorist OT as a toddler and elementary school child, and, beginning at 7, talk therapy - nonconsensually basically from the time I could remember until adulthood. i likely would never have tried it again, except for the small hiccup of needing letters for Transing Genders. so, this was when i first sought out "trans affirming care," as it were, and i didn't expect much. i went to my college's health center and got a list of possible providers, and ended up getting an excellent PCP, as well as a therapist who was a genuine cis accomplice: she wrote letters for Mad/psych disabled clients whose genders wouldn't typically qualify us for surgery/hormones in the eyes of the M/PsyIC. i did not share with her the things i "ought" to have shared, but she knew I had survived abusive therapy / forced institutionalization, and accepted that, and accepted my cynicism along with it. i was also first genuinely understanding foucault at this time, so rest assured i was quite a little shit (affectionate).

when she left to practice elsewhere, i went to a therapist at the same practice she recommended. she was fine, but not what i needed. by this time, I'd gotten the requisite procedures, so my therapy attendance wasn't required. i basically just ghosted this new therapist around the time covid hit.

when i came to grad school, i initially wasn't looking for therapy, though i had idly considered something for OCD, which I was (and am) managing in part through medication. after getting outright rejected for, essentially, being too crazy for normie OCD therapy, i directed my search specifically for Mad/abolitionist providers. i began by going through some of the archives of places like the National Queer and Trans Therapists of Color Network, and some people who have posted guest articles on Mad in America / The Fireweed Collective -- many are providers seeking to disrupt/abolish the system. That provided some leads, though no openings (there are very few of them, and they are, understandably, in high demand).

I then turned to my community connections: over the years, I've amassed a large number of Mad colleagues in various fields. Many are a half-step from radical/antipsych circles, so I asked them. This time, I asked specifically about a possible therapist who was interested in critiques of "eating disorders" as a category, who had an abolitionist, harm-reductionist, and anti-"health" approach to care, and who, accordingly, refused to cooperate with institutions of psychiatric confinement. I was directed to a list of people, of whom my current and beloved therapist / colleague / comrade was the first to respond.

my trajectory with her has been a steady building of trust through a shared ebbing and flowing of closeness, frustration, enlightenment, and curiosity. it has been close to a year and a half now, and we only began speaking frankly about more "dangerous"/"risky" topics a few months ago. early in our relationship, i did a great deal of boundary-testing, and reacted with anger and shutdown the first time she asked a question that proved risky/activating for me. my biggest recommendation when engaging with ANY provider is to ask them explicitly, repeatedly, and critically about their relationships with your own risk/harm level, their ongoing history wrt patient institutionalization / "referrals" to "higher levels of care". take note about the way they reference past patient situations, as well as their own past experience. take note of how they respond when you choose not to provide the information they seek.

also take note of what info they're willing to provide upfront, including at a consult: what methodologies do they work with, what was their training, how do they feel about said training? what are their politics? ask whoever recommended them to you, too. look at reviews. this is obvious -- what might not be is looking up their work on google scholar. who do they cite? what do they advocate, who do they associate themself with?

i think that it's also a good idea to ask them explicitly about their experience in other/"higher" levels of care - most therapists have done some kind of rotation during their education, often in a hospital, group home, halfway house, similar. if you have ever been institutionalized, you may have even spotted / been abused by some! observe how they discuss these experiences. take note.

if and when you've established this person as someone you want to continue working with, trust notwithstanding, think personally about what you are actually looking for. they will ask you about your goals, surely, but it's a good idea first to think about your own personal goals outside of the verbalized relationship between you two. do you need a confidante, and of what kind? what sort of accountability do you need, and what are you willing to try to figure that out? *what are you paying this person for that you feel others cannot or will not do*? what part of this person's expertise can be of use to you, and for how long?

i think one interesting approach to therapy is to regard the provider as a teacher - they're there to share knowledge with you, and you're free to accept or reject it. they have some kind of training/experience you don't have, and you seek them out because you think it may be of use in your own life, and perhaps even to redistribute that knowledge if and when you gain it. at the same time, you also have knowledge to share with them - not to be extracted, but to be incorporated in their own work and practice. the biggest insight on the practice of good therapy i've gleaned is that, ideally, you're both teaching and learning forever. this is true of all good relationships. there is an exchange of knowledge based on shared trust - values - priorities. once you are in a space where you know that this person shares your general relational orientation (aka, doesn't want to institutionalize, etc. you and people like you) it's possible to begin sharing knowledge in a way that benefits from this imposed structure. the benefit, imo, is that it's okay that you "monopolize" the convo and direct the knowledge-production toward your needs, because that's the service you're paying for!

i guess, to close, i'll return to the classic Mad Pride framing of us as "psych users/consumers." this isn't the perfect term, but i think it's enlightening, as we can and should be able to seek out services that work for us. just like i go to a person who knows wtf they're doing when, say, i need my nails done or my car fixed, so too do i go to an expert interlocutor when i am interested in developing my self-/relational knowledge and/or am seeking support in times of emotional tumult. this doesn't confer them a status as superior to me, just like someone isn't superior to someone else by being a nail tech or mechanic. it simply means that we are entering into a relationship where my needs and their expertise meet. seek a therapist who understands this, and understands themself as someone who can learn from you, too. this approach to therapy, and to care, mean that you can't just throw someone away or lock them up when they say things you don't like. it means that, even in those moments, there is something to be learned, and that the relationship will grow in that process of edification.

#i...this was a Big Boy essay. prepare yourself #antipsychiatry #madness #ask #anonymous #world healing #also i have therapy friday if you want me to ask mine about her connections to ppl #most of which arein California but not exclusively

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granulesofsand · 5 months

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Institutional Use of Numbers

🗝️🏷️ RAMCOA, mostly OA, institutional abuse, assigning codes

I am mildly concerned about institutions using numbers to identify people. Not necessarily if it’s just when you scan your ID or do paperwork, but when you’re called by your number and sorted by that number. When your number is placeholder for or more important than your name.

We have alters that came from schools and offices because they took that number as being given a new identity. We were used to having alters programmed by alphanumeric codes, so a few more were nothing new.

They were treated similarly in the schools, albeit to a lesser degree. They were taught not to respond to any previous name, punished if they didn’t recognize their number in a string or couldn’t recite it on command. They weren’t allowed nicknames, only the last four digits of their codes if it was a ‘private’ situation.

Our local public schools identified students with the acronym for the school system and their number. In classrooms, you went either by the number on your desk or the number on your computer depending on location. There were spreadsheets indicating which numbers were the same kid.

Our college identifies what you are with a letter (undergrad student, grad student, teacher, other staff) and your number. They make you write it differently depending on the circumstance and don’t tell you which is allowed. If you get it wrong, they proceed as though you took no action.

We used to be taken to labs, sometimes for legit ethical studies or experiments, and we were assigned a subject number we went by there. If there were multiple locations, you were labeled by your home center. Sometimes they specified age or sex.

It was (vaguely) the same as being trafficked? We weren’t treated with dignity or as people at all. Telling someone your legal name was risky and a sign of closeness, and sometimes you misplaced your trust and got hurt.

The public school mostly did PE drills to the point of causing long term damage, but they used military drills for obedience and uniformity too. The university won’t acknowledge you until you present your number, but so far we’ve never had a reason to refuse.

The labs would scold you or give you a time-out style discipline, or else assign you to an undesirable task, so long as they were operating under the law. Otherwise it might be straight up torture, needles or electricity or whatever else they had on hand plus their creativity.

It comes with an assumption that you’re less than, a different kind of person or even not a person. None of those places allowed negotiation over rules or practices, and all of them used some purposeful consequence to keep us in line.

Sometimes it’s convenient, but convenience should never outweigh humane treatment. Institutional abuse is organized abuse, and that should be enough to keep well meaning people out.

#ramcoa #tw ramcoa #did osdd #osddid #polyfragmented system #hc did #adaptive system #cdd system

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abbyslev · 11 months

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𝑮𝑹𝑨𝑫𝑼𝑨𝑻𝑬 𝑯𝑨𝑵𝑮𝑬 𝑯𝑬𝑨𝑫𝑪𝑨𝑵𝑶𝑵𝑺

A/N: oh my god i’ve had two people close to me graduate and lemme just say WHY IS IT SO EMOTIONAL? so to cope with the huge sadness i feel over people growing up, i made this cute little thing. since it’s also grad season, i want to congratulate all graduates of tumblr! you guys have come so far. amazing! graduating is such a special thing, whether it’s grade school, college or something else, i am SO proud! anyways, enjoy my sweet angels. don’t mind me as i drown in my blankets and think ab graduate hange!

Hange had studied and gone to school to be a Marine Biologist

they had worked so hard and it was finally time to graduate

Hange spent all morning getting ready and fixing their tassels and everything

which btw they had so many considering they were practically on top of their class and also joined a million clubs

had you spend all morning fixing their hair

you had to straighten out and tuck in their dress shirt:( they were just so excited

on the way you picked up some fresh flowers from Mikasa!

ofc levi and erwin came along to join you!

Hange's tie matched your dress :(

you guys sat close!!

you spotted Hange sitting down talking to their peers but they hadn’t spotted you yet

they were smiling really heard and their ears were red from excitement

finally, they got to the Z’s!!

As they walked across the stage, they spotted you, Levi and Erwin clapping

their eyes widened and they waved quickly before shaking the directors hands

as they called the next person's name and Hange walked back to their seat, they wiggled their diploma, smiling so hard

You blew them a small kiss, eyes tearing up

Hangw had worked so hard!! Erwin put his hand on your knee because you bounced it up and down anxiously, just wanting to get up and hug them hard

finally after getting past group of people, you found Hange looking around for you guys

“Hey, babe!” You walked up behind them

Hange embraced you, lips meeting your neck and they inhaled your sweet scent:(

“We did it.” Hange whispered into your soft skin

“You did it. You crushed it.” You peck their lips.

Erwin and Levi congratulate them ofccc

Hange can’t seem to let go of your hand after that:(

They open their diploma and all of you admire their accomplishments

You guys take so many photos it’s insane

You guys find Moblit!! You hand him a congratulations card you wrote for him and thank him for sticking with Hange for years.

On the ride to your favorite restaurant (Niccolo and Sasha’s restaurant) you guys sing loud karaoke and dance the whole time

Erwin and Levi also joined in for the dinner!

Sasha practically squeezes the FUCK out of Hange

Niccolo serves the best of the best ofc

“It’s on the house!” Sasha offers. You guys are extremely grateful

You guys got home and Hange answered text and calls, but not once did their hands leave yours <3

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uhhhhmanda · 7 months

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Fireball (my trash project)

@ahedderick and @silvandar I'M SO GLAD YOU ASKED!!!! *evil laughter*

Most, but not all, of my in situ photographs.

Since August I have been photographing and mapping the 50ml ("airplane" size) Fireball Whisky bottles I find on my errand runs. It started as a joke and it has become weirdly serious. I suspect I am tracking an alcoholic neighbor. The bottles are found chiefly in Rite Aid parking lots and on the sides of the roads that are the most direct route to our rather out of the way neighborhood. I find them on both sides of the road, so either the subject is throwing them out both windows or is drinking both on the way to and on the way back from wherever they go each day.

I am hoping that as I amass more data I will gain more insights into my subject. It is one person or more? Is it a man or a woman? (The first bottle was found in the ladies room at Haggen.)

Everywhere I go I watch the white line for new bottles and when I spot them I pull over as close as I safely can. I photograph the bottle in situ and then pick it up so that I don't count it twice. (At time of writing I have 61 bottles and yesterday I saw four more I am planning to snatch up today.)

About half my current collection is currently housed in this gallon jar.

So far I have formed one theory, and that is why the Fireball bottles outnumber all other types (Tito's, New Amsterdam, Jack Daniels) that I find 10 to 1: this is the new vanilla. In pioneer times (and probably earlier and later, but the late 1800s and early 1900s, when my area was being settled by whites, is when I have information about this practice) undercover alcoholics drank vanilla extract to get by. I don't know how much alcohol was in vanilla back then but these days a minimum of 35% is required. You got your fix and smelled great, too. Fireball works similarly. It's a low-strength whisky with strong cinnamon flavoring that leaves you smelling like you just snarfed down a box of Hot Tamales and not like you sucked down 3 or 4 tiny bottles of booze on your way home (or to the office).

This is the kind of art I did as a kid, just following a trail of inspiration and free material until it coalesced into something "finished." I am extremely curious to see where this one leads. An awkward confrontation with the litterer? Proper research into the phenomenon? (I have a friend doing grad school for anthropology.) Making a Fireball bottle as big as me in which to store my finds? (I boldly imagine this bottle sitting in the corner of a local gallery with one of those little white cards next to it summarizing my obsession.)

If you want to follow along I have been documenting the process in my Instagram stories! The map is here.

A selection of Instagram stories about the project.

#THANK YOU FOR COMING TO MY TED TALK #I can tell that i have surrounded myself with the right people because my husband finds the whole thing hilarious #and our friends text me anytime they think they saw a bottle #i have gotten so many people to look in ditches and notice how much fucking litter there is #the street sweeper was going over part of my errand route a few days ago and I howled NOOOOO MY DATAAAAAA #fireball project

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macabrecabra · 1 year

Photo

This ask has been sitting in my inbox for ages 83 wanted to draw this comic for a long time so finally sat down and just did it! (posting it as art as asks tend to squish things 83) Noemi Warren is too tired to deal with the eldritch roommate tonight. Grad school has taken away her sense of fear about being sarcastic.

_________

was fun practice! Just learning how to lay out comic panels and also first time really rendering backgrounds with houses and house interior in em...I am terrible at architecture and trying to get better at it!

I hope you all enjoy!

#Lovecraft #Live Laugh and Lovecraft #Nyarlathotep #Noemi Warren #Lovecraft Lore #Lovecraft AU #Nyarl had a moment of wait a minute....!#an idea spending nearly a year in my head #finally released

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theresa-of-liechtenstein · 3 months

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not to treat my microblog like a microblog but. right now my priorities for picking graduate schools (assuming offer of admission to my home institution and rejection from both other institutions i applied to) stand in order as follows:

QoL under chosen supervisor

housing guarantees

liking of the campus in question (including but not limited to: ability to continue musicianship, which also intertwines with point 1)

the major point my current institution has in its favor is the supervisor part, which arguably should put it ahead in the runnings—i’ve wanted to work with her since 2022, she remembers and likes me since 2022, our energy is very similar, her research is fascinating, i love her interdisciplinary mindset, people have literally pointed out that i remind them of her. but there is no guarantee of housing for graduate students and without a statement of intent i likely will lose my current apartment. on the other hand the major point the other institution has is guaranteed housing. but there, i don’t have a supervisor planned yet and will not figure that out until the visit in april—there is also a risk i will not mesh with anyone in april and that i will be stating my intent supervisorless, which is not ideal.

arguably the point about liking the campus is not as important but. it’s there. i know i can grow to like wherever i am—i didn’t choose my current institution for my liking of the campus, in fact i wasn’t expecting to go there at all. it was just the economical choice at first, but i came to grow fond of it over time. but under the surface, that point actually translates to “can i keep being in orchestra as a grad student?” which encompasses:

audition requirements of the ensemble

acceptance of grad students in performance ensembles

access to private lessons on/very near campus

support (or at the very least, tolerance) of supervisor

which far and away, my current institution excels at on all four points. i will not be required to reaudition unless tita conductor wants me to be a first violin (which i don’t think she would do without my consent). i know for sure that graduate students are welcomed and advocated for in orchestra. i will have access to at least one teacher in the area (my current one, or, if i cannot keep up with her, the one on campus who i am vaguely familiar with). and the supervisor i interviewed actually brought up me remaining in orchestra before i did and did not seem opposed to it. the only point the other institution hits is the welcoming of grad students in orchestra, which i feel is just standard practice anyway for university ensembles. i mean i know i can audition and my experience as a principal player gives me a little weight. but between an unknown ensemble and director and one i trust implicitly—emotionally, i am loath to pick the other.

but of course, i am going to graduate school to become a doctor of engineering, not an orchestral violinist. so why do i feel like crying all over again

#sorry guys. its a lot #iskul bukol: undergrad edition

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crystal-overdrive · 20 days

Note

🔺Ask game- what is Tav most ashamed of, and how would she react if anyone found out?

Dear Brave-Little-Avocado-Toaster,

My apologies for taking a while to get back to you on this one. I had to think for a while. While I am ashamed of how I acted, I think there are worse things you could ask me. A seven, I think. Others have tried to make me feel shame many times in my life. My mother, for failing to meet up to her expectations; my wizardly colleagues, for not having "proper" magic; my former compatriots, for choosing the path that was efficient over the one that was kind, even a number of ex-lovers who had issues with...how to put this politely...my fondness towards the gifts that The Maiden of Pain blesses us with. I am ashamed of none of these things. There is something that I feel ashamed of. I did a bad thing to a good man because he got something I wanted. This might be a long story.

Every year, the Watchful Order hosts Venture Adventus, a summer-long event where teams of students of magic compete to create a new spell. Even getting into Venture is a huge deal. It practically guarantees archmage status in the years to come. I'd been with the same man since week two of undergrad, basically. We met in Ancient Magic Soc and that was that. He was an abjuration wizard, a painfully traditional occupation for WO grads and very much in demand. So a Venture team picked him up: a mutual friend of ours from AMS plus some of their promising Blackstaff friends. I'll admit I was hurt that we weren't going to enter together, but it didn't put me off; I was recruited too. Our team was strange, to say the least. Aeren, a brilliant, yet somewhat reclusive, transmutation wizard I'd only seen at AMS or in class had built a team consisting of an evocation specialist, an artificer, a second transmutation wizard whom for sake of brevity we will just refer to as my frenemy, and me; not even a wizard, just a student of languages, who for this project learned to read the most powerful language of all: Loross. Not Netherese, the language of the commoners, but that spoken by the archmages in their flying fortresses. Aeren wanted to create a spell that would boost the power of our magic beyond current capabilities. They told us the project was to ambitious, too technical, too likely to fail. The interviewer from the Temple of Mystra called it blasphemous. Suffice to say, we didn't get in. My ex's team did. We still worked on the project, though. We had an entire free summer and five brilliant minds. It didn't matter that none of us really liked each other, not like my ex's team, who seemed to be the best of friends. It was hard, watching that. Watching them excel together. And it was even harder working alongside my frenemy, who liked to remind me that she and my ex had been in school together, of how many times she had rejected his desperate advances. She compared him to Aeren, whom she evidently lusted for.

So if those things were hard, it was easy to say yes when Aeren asked me to work late with him, to translate the romantic Lorossian language while he worked the weave, to eat good food and drink good wine, to go to the opera and the theatre while my ex was at the tavern and the mage brawl. It was easy to kiss him. It was easy to fuck him. For once I felt like I came first. I wasn't second to my sister, or to my frenemy, or to the stronger magic wielders in my class. I thought he valued me for the things I liked and, honestly, it felt good to hurt my ex, to hurt my frenemy. I wielded sex like a weapon, because I thought it was the only faculty I had. I wanted my ex to feel as powerless as I had when we'd failed to get into Venture. My patron (how I referred to Our Dark Lord at the time) encouraged this behaviour, obviously, though at the time I didn't recognise Him for what he was.

It crashed and burned, as it does. I lost my ex. He didn't deserve what I did to him. We had a future and I threw it away because I couldn't bear to be in his shadow. I could not fathom the idea of being second to an ordinary man. I thought I was first in Aeren's eyes, but I think to him I was a fantasy. He started to tell me how we'd sip wine from his floating fortress, and for a while I believed it. That was until he met someone else, and I was second again. What I'd done to my ex, I'd had done to me. I must admit, sometimes when I look at Enver, I see Aeren. Perhaps that's why I've tried so hard to supress my feelings for him. There is a difference though: Enver has earned it. My supplication. For him, I'd accept second place. Enver will rule the Sword Coast. Astarion knows about this, he gets it. Anyone else, well, I fear my former comrades would use it as further proof that I've been an awful person all along. Karlach would probably use it as an excuse to accuse me of sleeping with Astarion while I was with Wyll. I could hear that accusation on the tip of her tongue at the ball. For what it's worth, we have never seen each other that way. Purley platonic. If Env found out, well, I suppose I will tell him eventually. If it comes up. I don't think he's in a position to judge me for anything I've done based on his own moral track record, but Banites do value loyalty. I'd worry it would make me seem weak in his eyes, susceptible to petty flattery and seduction. I'm laughing at what I just wrote. He already thinks of me that way, doesn't he? I think I shall end this overly long letter here.

Yours in Authority, Grand Duke Tavarina Ammakyl

#low key wrote a whole short story here #this is why it took so long #ask game #ask #🔺 ask game #tavarina ammakyl

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frannyzooey · 1 year

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Your fics come HIGHLY recommended and I’m currently binging my way through your masterlist. I’m obsessed with your style of writing!

Do you have any advice for someone who’s just starting out writing? I’ve been a fan fiction lover for MANY (let’s say, 20ish?) years and as I’m finishing grad school, I thought it was time to start exploring new hobbies 😂 I can bust out a multi-page essay or thesis no issue, but I’m finding myself already being super critical of the few paragraphs I’ve typed up so far.

Hey! Welcome! ❤ The fact that my work gets recc'ed is so wild to me! I am so happy you're here!

As a fairly new writer myself (going on the beginning of year two, baby!) I would say: read, read, read. I had a really strong reading base when I started: both actual novels and fanfic alike, and it really helped out in terms of an idea of how to structure something, certain concepts that I was into/wanted to explore, and it also helped beef up my vocabulary (which I am still working on, admittedly).

It's hard not to be critical of your writing -- it's a new skill you're practicing, but it's also extremely personal -- and when you've read fic for a long time and then try to write it, it can be overwhelming at first because you're often playing the comparison game.

BUT: everyone starts somewhere. ❤

When I started, I just tried to write fragmented sentences and half formed ideas, just to get them down on paper. Then, I would try to piece them together, and put them in a coherent structure -- which helps show you what you're missing, and if you need to add anything (in terms of basic pacing/plot). Then, I tried to take those sentences one by one and make them better, single sentence at a time. Is that the word I want? Does that sentence sound right? Is that emotion what I am trying to invoke?

After that, I would usually ask someone to read it for me -- which is very, very hard and I 100% wanted to vomit the first time I handed something over because I didn't want to fail or for them to think I was stupid, but that's where finding your people comes in. ❤ Your cheerleaders, your hype squad, the ones you think about when writing and think "I hope they like this" -- ask someone you trust to check it out and HYPE YOU UP, because we all need it when we are starting.

Another thing I did when I was starting was focus on things I did like to read and pick them apart to see why I liked reading them. For me personally, I found that I am really drawn to simplistic writing with very neat sentences, very clear actions, and quite a bit of dialogue -- and after awhile, because I studied it so much and tried to actively revise my writing to mold into something like what I admire, I found it easier to be proud of it because you can 1) see and appreciate the hard work you put in, but also 2) you already like that style, so you're bound to like your own version of it!

It's a really brave thing you are doing, even putting those words down on paper and I am so PROUD of you. If you want a hype woman, I'm your gal! I would love to read and cheerlead you! Just DM me ❤

YOU ARE AMAZING and WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME ❤

#writing advice #you are so brave and strong and I am so excited to clown with you!

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