#i could be doing worse things to cope

[sadgirlsandboys]

broken alliance

you woulndt think

the one that claims to understand

the lonlieness

the anxiety

the fear

to be the same

 to grow an ego

and invite you to sit because

“you look sad”

he says it

with humour in his voice

like its a joke

and his friends life

and you laugh

because what are you supposed to do?

why would you put me in that position?

I was nice to you

I listened to you when their voice was louder than yours

you said

“this is why I have to yell”

I laughed at your jokes

when they told you to be quiet

I thought we understood each other?

do you not remember 

when people said that to you?

do you not remember

how those jokes made you feel?

don’t you rememer the fake laugh?

don’t you remember the clench in your stomach?

don’t you remember the heat in your eyes?

the hurt in your throat?

the shaking of your hands?

the shame in your chest?

please dont make me feel this way

#betrayed #lmao #im sad #and #lonley #writing #textpost #i wanna go home #college #i could be doing worse things to cope #instead of writing shitty #poetry #on tumblr #is this even poetry #idk

[autistic-katara]

there r fics that make u insane (so amazingly good it’s removed ur sanity) and then there’s fics that make u insane (you need to fistfight the author for how they did a specific thing that caused u to rant for hours)

#i know i just posted that other thing but ffs that is NOT how u handle someone in that situation everyone involved made everything 10x worse #yet it’s being treated like the right thing to do (which again ofc they’re cops they don’t understand harm reduction but still) like #seriously everything’s so forceful like u seriously think forcing ur friend to talk to u or forcing a patient to talk to a therapist under #the threat of being admitted to a psychiatric hospital is gonna make her feel comfortable talking to u? or anyone? she’s just gonna trust u #less and get better at hiding it and speaking of which the taking away all sharp objects thing makes sense in theory but like think abt it #for a minute she confirmed she isn’t suicidal and this is her only way of coping so do not just forcibly take away all her coping mechanism #like yes she is hurting herself but it’s a COPING MECHANISM. she’s coping with something. help her with that don’t just take away her penci #sharpers or whatever (which btw since she’s an adult she could easily buy more stuff and yk learn to hide it better) which again has to be #voluntary it isn’t gonna work if u force someone to do smthn they don’t want to like as ur friend u could’ve made it clear u care abt her #and wouldn’t judge her for anything and r here if she wants to talk don’t just say “you have to talk to me” and casually threaten #hospitalisation when she isn’t ready in the moment like seriously if this wasn’t a badly written fanfic she would completely stop trusting #bcz given that this wasn’t even done out of panic i would like ffs u are NOT doing any of this right #oops sorry ranted abt the bad fic in my tags- #it’s not where the author’ll see it and know it’s about them i don’t feel bad abt it #this was my first time even looking at stuff for this fandom so #cw self harm in tags #idk if i need to tag anything else for that 😭 #fanfic #ao3 #ryan shut the fuck up

[revenantghost]

Man... I'd forgotten I got into a zine I was looking forward to recently, but I just don't have time, my body's either taking me out or I gotta work for pennies and hope I can outrun the next ticking timebomb life hurls at me. I know I've already talked bout how I have to give up anything I've got left for me, but it still sucks ):

#Spoiler: The horrors Do Not End #I wish I could like #Get help #Without waiting another year to get it #If I can even get it #If they think I'm worthy #And let's be real #My luck is SHIT #No rest is coming for the wicked #SORRY FOR ANOTHER POST THINGS JUST KEEP GETTING WORSE #I'M JUST SO TIRED I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO COPE WITH ANYMORE #I'LL SHUT UP AND GO BACK YO MY HOLE NOW #Yadda yadda

[malwarechips]

ok hot take: arti is NOT balanced. specifically her combat. not in an overpowered way, but the opposite. she's not strong enough for combat against scavengers. arti has ZERO abilities to resist spears outside of the parry, which requires timing and honestly quite impressive reaction speed. ("just turn the game speed down!" some people cant play with the speed lowered! (me) ive been playing since before downpour and ive NEVER used the mushrooms so im USED to this speed. turning it down throws me off so much that id die MORE) sure, she can resist explosives somewhat, she wont die to them, but she still gets stunned anyways. so who cares if shes immune to death from explosives when she cant do anything PASSIVELY about spears, the thing that matters. you survive a grenade, but then you get stabbed in the head a second later and die anyways. scavengers weren't designed to be fought. they have a reputation system for a reason. they're the sort of creature you dont fuck with because they WILL fuck your shit up beyond belief. arti goes against all of that. and shes not strong enough to. she doesn't have resistences to what MATTERS. fighting large groups can be near impossible sometimes. and sure, you can avoid those most times, but you physically cannot in metro. you HAVE to fight them at least SOMEWHAT to even get through.

i understand how people can like arti. but the problem is she's simply not strong enough. i understand that rain world is MEANT to be difficult, but arti takes it too far imo. she's difficult into unfairness. sure, losing karma doesn't matter. but doing the same thing again and again and again just... is terrible. even if you take a different route. i took different routes almost every other time i died while playing arti. i still got sick of dying. i was so relieved when i beat it. i never plan on playing her again. she brought me genuine, terrible stress. she killed my drive to want to play rain world for a while; the thought of just opening it stressed me out. games are meant to be fun. i can understand how arti could be, but she just isnt to me. she's not fun. she will never be fun for me without significant altering. and even then, i highly doubt i could ever bring myself to play her again. just looking at her select screen art makes me anxious.

#i want to emphasise that i dont care if ppl do enjoy arti. im glad. i have nothing against ppl who enjoyed her campaign #its just.. i wish i knew people who had the same experience as i did #''get the arti revives on kill mod!'' i have it. ive had it the entire time . i have it set to the max time it will let me set it to. #it barely helped #sorry that this turned into more of a vent i just . really needed to get this out . #ive always struggled with feeling like im bad at games and will never get better and just . #seeing everyone else LOVE arti's campaign just... has made that so much worse. #i love arti as a character . i really do. #i think her campaign has potential. but its not executed well . #i WANTED to like it. i TRIED to like it. i cant. #i both understand how people could and dont understand at the same time. #how can you guys cope with doing the same thing 60 times in a row? does it not stress you out? does it not get boring? #do you not get sick of it? i dont get it #i just ... want to feel good at something. #i felt somewhat good at rain world for a while . i still do sometimes . but then i remember arti. and i feel like an outlier again . #lev.txt #hyperfixation.txt #vent #<- kinda #rain world #long post #<- somewhat . idk

[phynali]

One thing I don't see people talk about much in the context of anxiety is how freaking annoying it is.

Anxiety is borrowing energy from the future. There's this Thing, real or imagined, that's looming, or that could happen, so you gotta prepare and be ready, so you mobilize your energy resources toward it. "Very slow tigers are chasing me" and all that -- the tiger is somewhere out there and you gotta be Ready and not relax or else it might get you.

And I've been doing a lot to work with instead of against my anxiety, like "okay there is a Thing that's stressing me and all my energy is being mobilized worrying about that thing Now, so what can I do Now to put this energy to work? What steps can I take with all this anxious energy to get ready for that very slow tiger's arrival?"

Which is good and fine and can help dissipate the anxiety, yay, but -

But sometimes there's nothing more you can do to prep for that slow tiger. You've got everything ready and done everything you can do and the tiger is actually a cub like it's not even a threat, but you're still buzzing with energy waiting for it to show up.

Which itself is annoying because you wanna relax and you try your distractions and meditations and other tools and they help maybe but they don't necessarily change or fix the fact that the tiger is on its way, and your body and brain are demanding you Be Ready.

But far more annoying? That's a lot of energy mobilized, a lot of resources spent. So after long enough you feel spent, because you haven't hit a full state of relaxation or slept that well or truly recharged -- you're still using up that energy Staying Alert for the tiger.

And then you have no energy left for other shit! And the tiger is still on its way! And the other shit starts turning into little baby tigers because you didn't have the focus or lost the energy to direct toward it effectively.

Rinse and repeat. And it's annoying af.

#anxiety #is dumb #I'm a million times better at managing it than i used to be #it used to be distressing now it's more annoying #which like - huge improvement #and those methods and tactics do work and help! #which yeah they are research informed methods #blending and adaptively applying both problem-focused and emotion-focused coping #it's just that sometimes it's not enough especially in a busy capitalist society #where there isn't enough time or space to let one thing breathe and pause the rest #it all keeps coming and you're not given enough room to really effectively relax and recharge #i think that's the real crux of it honestly and it's a societal issue that's getting worse #with improvements in digital technologies and with the attention economy #and the availability to be reached anywhere and work anywhere and the way that bleeds into a constant churn of expectation and action #anyway this isn't new information #I'm just tired today because there's a tiger waiting for me this afternoon #that i did all i could to prep for but still couldn't relax from #so am annoyed and sleepy-grumpy

[ranvwoop]

i need to expel the silly guys in my brain . but i forgot how to draw and writing is hard... much to think about

#vwoop.noises #I am thinking about cool war again. there is no tangible reason for this #Tge only rita summers stan in the whole world.. I think somethint could be done interesting abt her #I'm not sure whether shes bad bc of misogyny or bc none of the side characters were good #I hesitate to be mean bc Just a guy wrote that. Got no compensation for this. Etc etc. It's like conceptually advanced fanfic is my way of - #understanding this space #This being said. #It is very edgy for the sake of kt #And I want to play with your stock characters #Anyways Rita. Why is a child hanging out with the magic terrorists #They give off college dropout vibes but i think shes a little younger than like normal Knew them in highschool vibe. Hmm. Maybe #But regardless. She has to do highschooler chores . She has homework.. #its just silly to me. Esp. bc shes just a goth little teenager #I think she's edgy on her own. Not even because the whole thing is edgy. She doesn't get toned down in my mind she believes she's #playing + winning 4D chess #In my beautiful mind palace she wasb rlly good friends w/ jessie b4 Average Tragic Backstory and is kind of like. sus abt the whole thing #very Yesterday was a terrible tragedy. You have classes today #As well as like. She's a bit younger and can cope a bit worse with everything. I think. As is her right as a goth teenager #she's just like. Angry. #Which is yknow. Why magic terrorism #but also w/ like jessie a) Her sibling is coping worse* and then b) Nobody says anything ever so as to not upset joey #*I have rewritten this whole thing in my mind Heart . He mitosis'd and then unmitosis'd as timeline course corrections and this is #quite difficult on a person. #but in the downtime.. shes just a bit silly.... #magic terrorists and their princess of darkness (Also a magic terrorist) #I've also decided shes close w og just because I say so . They look similar and people r like Oh how sweet You are looking after yr little #sister. And she wants to do murder. #they both have dark hair; she dyes hers to look gother. and similar faces I Guess < The faceblinder but I'll decide when I draw them

[thschei]

This image but with a breakfast jack from jack in the box

#photo #erin talks #my stu🅱️id ass offered to go with my mom out of town for a work thing #& we're both overtired (stayed up till 3am) & in a lot of pain #I convinced my mom to take a full pain pill instead of half bc her fingers were shaking really badly #we got out the door & she turned around & went “my glasses........” so I went back in for them #like yknow smth inherently required to be able to drive . those glasses . #so it's already a Day . I'm sure it'll get worse #also I don't really think I was clear-- yesterday I offered to go & knew I needed to get up this morning & stayed up till 3am anyway #it's not my fault I can't do my neopets dailies until 1am my time #it is my fault I'm self-destructive tho ❤️ it's my traumatic experience and I get to choose the coping #it could be much worse than neopets lmao

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#what does one do when their perception cannot b trusted? im so physically and emotionally exhausted #and i can go from feeling hopelessly terminally bad to completely normal for no apparent reason. and on occasion i can go from normal to i #think i can stay up all night. i never have to sleep again. look how great i can focus. i could kill god. #and i have no emotional object permanence so it feels so stupid when im normal. i cant sympathize with myself in altered states of mind #and it doesnt matter but it makes me crazy the idea that i might not b bip0lar but i just push myself so far that under pressure my mind #splits into the catastrophically positive or negative. but i feel like this is how i have to live. i have to b perfect or pay a blood debt #and thats just how it is. and thats how its been. so at this point ive spend thr last idk 15 years of my life being d #some measure of miserable for no reason. i dont kno y i do this to myself and im 26 now and idk how to stop bc even pushing myself as hard #as i can im so far behind. how am i supposed to do less and not #and not just quit. im compulsive for a reason. there's a fundamental barrier between myself and understanding language but if i do more and #more and more then i can at least try to keep up with everyone else. idk im so tired. and im 26 and im afraid im stuck like this #and i cant even... its like ive split my head in 2 to cope. ive created distance within myself so that i cant fully feel how terrible i make #things for myself. half my brain is always like lol suffer idiot. it throws off my therapists bc i cant take my own pain seriously. ill #laugh and smile while im like yea i feel horrible like most of the time and i dont kno what to do lol. idk so it goes. i think im gonna stop #with the birth control tho. as it doesnt seem to help with my sadness levels. idk if ite making ot worse or not. guess well find out #itll b easier once i dont have to b trained on things. then i wont have to ask a question and burst into tears on my lab mate 🙄 #unrelated

[masochistic-tifosi]

i have become what i swore never to be

a slutty bard in dnd.

#long story short i tend to be designated support/healer in many things #and from what i can tell all my party members rolled worse than me #so now i have bard with that exasperated support main vibe #and is slutty to cope with it #i could chose not to be support #but the power i feel choosing who lives or dies is the reason i do the support/healer shit in the first place

[void-tiger]

What do I want? I want to be seen as a peer.

#tiger’s roar #mental health bullshit #…and I feel further away than ever with my damn disability that I got told was psychosomatic without directly saying those words #because unstable tendons that pop grind sproing every time I really do anything #can’t Possibly be painful #or WHY my muscletone and stamina is shit #oh noooo it MUST be all in my head nevermind I CAN’T TAKE SEROTONIN. every drug with it makes me suicidal or worse #…anyway. I will be stranded as soon as I move out to attend university #which is only possible with taking out yet more student debt #and keeping a credit load far higher than I could ever do (nevermind my physical disability) #to keep my scholarship. and then Hope I still get a Pell + misc school scholarships #but there’s No Way around I Won’t be able to cope with a job with 15 credits mentally even if I could physically #…yEAH I’m Terrified. and I’m sick to death of people telling me to NOT take out loans #when this is The Only Way to pay rent and tuition to Even Attend At All #…and ALL Of This ontop of… you want to spend time with me? NOW that you’re at the end of your master’s and I’ll be getting things in order? #Do You See Me As A Creative Peer Or Someone Who Could Be One #or am I just a Pretty Gurl Who’s A Poor Lost Waif Who Sings Pretty #…you never did tell me what you thought of my script’s draft #and have been suspiciously Silent about your own art #do you REALIZE that to do ANYTHING together…you’re gonna have to drive. and I don’t want to do anything that costs money #because 1) it feels unbalanced (regardless if it’s a date or simply hanging out. but your body language screams Date?? not Hangout) #and 2) …I’ll be needing to keep a fisthold control of my finances as it’s gonna be stuck as reimbursements + debt #I…cannot see how I can mentally or physically take on a job. nevermind nobody’s wanted me to work for them for anything not janitorial #…so…yeah. how the hell can I even feel like anyone’s peer #when I’ll be at least a decade older. mentally ill. disabled. and can’t work because of it #how am I supposed to feel like anything but a porceline doll with rotting rubber joint connections + glockinspeal

[janiedean]

the more time passes the more it's obvious why I'm shit at expressing emotions and why I loathe doing it openly and it's a damned shame neither of my damned parents reads fantasy because maybe if i told them the more you are like this the more i end up like stannis baratheon's reincarnation if the damage isn't done already they'd get the fucking point

#i'm so fucking tired that every single time i have to express not feeling great/up to par/on top of things #it becomes YOU WANT TO BE A VICTIM AND BLAME OTHER PEOPLE FOR IT #jfc i want to rest #i've spent three years coped there with them with first row seat to parent one becoming completely paranoid but okay #and that's not even 5% of the problem #i'm too tired to stand i'm doing two jobs at once one of which is draining af #neither of them is even netting me immediate money #i've worked sundays for a whole damned month and a half #they have zero idea of half of the shit i'm dealing with #bc the mOMENT you talk about your feelings it's C H I L D I S H #and then 'why didn't you talk about x before' #idk didn't wanna get told it was my fault and i had to man up maybe #and like my father has a half excuse i'm not disclosing bc his business #and it's like what i suspect not anything anyone said out loud #but god my mother could fucking get a hint #yeah let's go to therapy for years so that every single time i patch a hole in the ship #CANNONBALL FROM THE OTHER SIDE HAPPENS #and it's worse all over again #meanwhile my stomach has been closed up since an hour and i can't even stand up #and then i feel like i shouldn't complain until i manage to move out #i just want to go in a forest for six months and stop being perceived tbh #i hope i don't regret posting these tags but jfc #At YoUr AgE I hAd A jOb AnD a BaBy #yeah okay sorry i'm not you #there's a fucking reason i'm never gonna have children it would wreck me and i know it #but since YOU did it then everyone can

[nomaishuttle]

btw controversial but fuckk ptsd dude yohre telling me judt bc my parents shouldnt ever have been parents now i have to be fucked up for the rest of my life .

#i know like..coping mechanisms and ris8ng above and learning to live with it but like its fucking stupid and unfair bc im never gonna stop #having ptsd yk. my episodes might get less frequent i might build happier memories but jm always gonna have these memory blocks and trigger #s and nightmares like. forever. im never gonna get to have had a normal childhood thats the most fuckedbup thing ever #like ik this is whiny but like. why. why me what did i do to deserve that childhood. not that any kid deserves abusive childhoods obviously #it sounds like im like ermmm there r wayyy worse kids who shouldve been the ones to go to the zoo 💀 but like ykwim. why does #thus have to happen to so many ppl i hate it i hate it. i wish i could just Actually forget everything instead of just like. not rly #remembering it but Knowing it..yk. i know everything that happened to me even if its all blocked out #and i still feel like. the effects of it even the stuff thats jncredibly hazy to me. and jm never not gojng to feel that. my personality hs #literally been fucking shaped by the childhood i have and like. yes you can 'change' your personality a bit and your choices blah blah blah #but like. even with that. im still always gonna be like. my first impulse will always be distrust and doubt and fear. even if i train #myself not to Act on those emotions i still will always feel them. im always going to expect people to leave even if they dont even if i #dont let myself push them away its something im always going to be terrified of in the back of my mind. im never gojng to have #proper social skills bc i fully missed out on that stage of development im never going to be like. at the same level as my peers bc i #missed out on those skills. sigh. ik ik ik feeljng inhuman and feeljng different from everybody else is a jniversal thing but i truly think #im like. im missing something that everybody else seems to have and i dont even know what it is but i know i dont have it and everyone #can tell j dont have it and it fucking. sucks . basically

[moe-broey]

Boots :)

Another Started As A Test Subject and now they're literally the only thing I ever fucking wear. Idk how well it shows in the pics but they are badly cracked and have been worn into the ground but like. Shoe comfy :(

Also the wings are a new addition! The inner ones slap against each other. Doesn't really bother me personally though so I'm keeping them as is 😅 Oh, and the laces are paracord!

#funnily enough these are also something i got at the beginning of my transition thinking 'oh yeah this is masc. surely.' #final tangent but this is why insane fucking terfs/transphobes who are like #'noooo don't transition what about our butches what about our tomboy gfs :((((' #i was literally never either of those things. #they are all so stupid 🥲 (for. a lot of very obvious reasons LMFAOO but specifically for that as well.) #but yeah i literally used fashion and artsy self expression as a way to cope LMFAOOO #and as a way to draw attention away from myself. despite. drawing SO much attention to myself. #seems counter intuitive and i won't argue w you there LMAOO it was to sort of just. be like. #look at my cute outfit :) don't. don't even think about the guy underneath them. #AND it was ALSO the only way i could somehow feel some semblance of self. cause i did truly love what i'd wear #and then i'd wonder why i'd break down crying at the thought of what i am without those clothes. #just? a girl? the idea gutted me and made me want to tear my skin off with my nails and teeth #but like. i'm sure this has zero implications about me. who i am. ect. and has nothing to do w trans thoughts i had in middle school. #time to pick a perfect outfit and get a good grade in Girl™ 😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊 #nowadays i just wake up put on a band tee and i'm just some guy. forever and always. it's so fucking cool #literally does not matter if it's a pants day or a shorts and tights day i'm just some guy. it's so fucking awesome 😎👍 #for real even though i do still struggle w dysphoria some days worse than others i am so at peace. #i just wish everyone saw me the way i do. i literally cannot comprehend how anyone looks at me and goes #'ah....... a woman.' like. dude. for real? what are you seeing that i don't. #like bro!!! way not cool!!!! lame ass motherfucker!!!! #<- GSJSGSJ WAIT WHEN DID I USE THIS TAG BEFORE LMFAOO?? IT'S. SO FITTING HERE HAHAHAHA #anyways i was gonna say idk if i saw a motherfucker who's clearly striving for some androgyny #and a sick ass mullet no matter what immediately registers in my mind that i may have to correct later #i'm just. going to assume. they are some type of queer. and i am avoiding pronouns/gendered language #til they tell me 'oh yeah i'm :) and my pronouns are :)' and i'd adjust accordingly. #like idk that's so normal to me. what's not clicking for literally everyone else. #UGH ANYWAY i've been ranting and infodumping way too long i wanna get ready for bed now LMFAO #also if at any point you've looked at these pics and thought 'damn bitch you live like this' #yes. i know. i'm aware. i do live like this LMFAO 🫡😔 #my projects

[blodeuweddschild]

Yknow thank god that “this is a simulation” stuff doesn’t trigger my derealisation or I’d be so fucked

#I’m on the border of this is real and this is not real rn so I’m ranting #maybe if I rant it’ll bring me back to reality #I just don’t need this rn. it’s getting worse and worse #I had a really bad episode this last week and ended up walking for like 10 minutes with nothing but my jeans and t shirt on #no shoes at like 8pm when it was super cold #and I was lucky I was still with it enough to answer my phone #I’m fuckin losing it man! and whenever I tell therapists and shut they just tell me it’s a coping mechanism! #maybe it started out that way idk but atm it’s ruining my life and could make me do some awful things to myself and the people I love #and I’m fucking scared but im brushed off constantly #I’ve got an appointment at some point about my mental health #and I’m not gonna let them just brush it off. I need help with this shit

[bruh-anator3000]

Me, having any sort of Bad Timetm: you know, im actually pretty proud of myself. Im handling this very well!

*glances at the fanfiction I've written to put my comfort characters in the same situation, but they instead help me through it*

This is going great.

#its actually a coping mechanism idc what you say #its a good one at that #i could be doing so much worse things #but i will just write silly little fanfics about it instead~ #that being said a non-canon story of Viktor x Parent!Reader will be posted soon bc i wanted to #anyways ily all #bruh talks

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

sometimes my friends are like “hey you’re doing this to cope with things but it’s not a good idea” and im like “no but it’s harmless and fine!” only to realise they’re completely right and that i regret it

#fucked up my hair so bad and genuinely i don’t know why #well i do know why actually. i was overstimulated by an earlier event and my hair was on my neck and making it worse and instead of being #rational and deciding to style it or put it up i just decided to cut it #and im kicking myself because its so uneven now and its the stupidest fucking decision i could have made and im playing it off as #‘haha funny’ but my hair means a lot to me and now i just wanna cry because it was fine before and now it’s completely fucked up and i dont #know when i can get it fixed. #it’s also similar enough to a worse coping mechanism i used to have and i think i was partly substituting for that too even though i haven’t #done it in years. four years actually which i never thought would happen #but anyway. im just pissed at myself for being a fucking idiot and not thinking about things before i did them #I don’t want anyone responding to this with ‘im sure its fine’ or ‘its a learning curve’ or some shit. just fucking don’t #if i can’t get in this weekend then i’ll probably try to fix it myself just. rationally this time. slower and with help #vent tw