#i can say this bc i have at various points in my life driven to both of these places once a week. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ushittyoldman · 3 years

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nobody’s fault but mine (pt. 2)

Levi wouldn’t really be Levi if he knew how to handle his intense feelings for you.

pairing. levi x fem!reader AND a little bit of jean x fem!reader (b/c once again i am a slut 4 jean too)

warnings. some fluff, language (b prepared for a lot of the f-bomb)

a/n. hi sorry 4 the long wait, life is a little hectic rn (it’s snowing n our power has been going out on n off for the past few days lmfao also school b lowkey kicking my ass) BUT i wanted 2 say thank u so so much 4 all ur feedback to part 1 it was so so so unexpected n sweet n flattering i literally still can’t wrap my head around it. i would rly appreciate some feedback 2 this one too since this is A LOT more levi n i actually adored writing him but i would luv 2 know what u guys think of my characterization of him (im a little nervy) but yes feedback is encouraged! this is kinda long but a lot happens so i rly hope u guys appreciate this n enjoy it bc it took me so long 2 write n rewrite it heheheh (side note 4 the sake of age n everything, all the 104th cadets r actually 18+ including our cute lil reader) also! pls continue 2 request more levi ok that’s it 4 now enjoy!

“Rise and shine, sleeping beauty.”

“Jean!”

The hushed voices stirred you out of the pleasant state of unconsciousness you had been in. A sharp pain shot through your head as you slowly opened your eyes, blinking quickly to adjust to the bright light. You flexed your fingers subtly as an attempt to gain awareness of yourself and your surroundings. Once you were comfortable, you slowly turned your head to your right and saw a scene you had grown painfully familiar with– Jean arguing with someone. The victim of the week was Armin, and you almost wanted to laugh at the quick back-and-forth between the two.

“Your bedside manner… sucks,” you managed to mumble. You cringed at the uncharacteristic hoarseness of your voice.

“There she is!” Jean exclaimed, shooting a victorious smirk at Armin, before fondly looking down at you, as he moved closer to your side.

You heard multiple gasps of your name, and you quickly turned your head to your left, before regretting it due to the sharp pang that followed in your head. Nevertheless, you mustered up as bright a smile as you could, looking at your friends who had all taken various positions throughout the room. Eren was the first to your bed, embracing you tightly.

“That was scary,” he softly mumbled your name, before pulling back, “Don’t do that again.”

The concern on his face startled you momentarily, and you couldn’t help but avert your eyes. You blinked quickly before looking up and shyly smiling at Eren.

“I’ll keep that in mind for next time.”

You then looked up at your fellow cadets, who stood surrounding your small bed in the infirmary. Your love for these people sat heavily in your chest, and you beamed up at them, before you realized you were in the infirmary.

“What happened?” you genuinely asked, your husky voice taking you by surprise again.

“Oh, I’ll tell you what happened!” Jean scowled, crossing his arms in anger, “That little bastard—”

“Jean, you can’t say that about the Captain!” Sasha chided, looking sideways in fear as if to emphasize her point.

“Captain, my ass!”

You attempted to stifle your giggling, yet your mood significantly dropped upon remembering Levi’s treatment towards you this past month. You tried to conceal your obviously bothered expression, but you felt a hand softly ruffle your hair. You looked up and smiled at Reiner.

“Don’t sweat it, kiddo, I’m sure he’ll tone down the punishments after this,” he reassured, obviously mistaking your dejection over your unreciprocated feelings for Levi for something else.

Appreciating the gesture, you continued to smile up at him while nodding softly. Reiner had a comforting presence, and you felt your mood brighten slightly.

“Fingers crossed,” you deadpanned, earning a soft laugh from Bertholdt, who had taken a seat at the foot of your bed.

Jean’s relentless bashing of the Captain continued, as Sasha, Connie, and Armin attempted to calm him down, warning him about the consequences they’d all have to face if word got back to Levi. Eren gritted his teeth in irritation, as he glared up at Jean, threatening to “knock him out if he didn’t shut up,” while Mikasa had silently moved around the chaos to rest her calloused hand on your own, silently squeezing as a gesture of comfort. You squeezed back.

“Look, all I’m saying is he obviously has it out for her. She’s a better soldier than all of us– even you, titan boy— and it’s still not good enough? I call bullshit!”

“I think he’s just trying to be a good teacher, I’m sure there’s a lot I can still improve on,” you justified, and all eyes turned to you.

“There’s not,” Mikasa bluntly stated, leaving no room for argument.

Your friends all agreed, and you scrunched your nose playfully to conceal the warmth that had spread throughout your body at their praise. You worked hard to get where you were– there was a satisfaction in knowing that all of your effort wasn’t going unacknowledged.

“Jean-boy’s right—”

“Bastard!”

“—Captain Levi has been unnecessarily cruel to her, and we’ve all noticed it!” Eren’s fists clenched in anger as he ignored Jean’s yelling.

“But the Captain isn’t the type to hold grudges or act impulsively, so I think there’s something deeper to it,” Armin reasoned, apologetically glancing at you in case his words offended you.

You nodded softly, not wanting to worsen your headache; however, it didn’t really matter when Jean’s painfully loud voice retaliated almost immediately.

“He overworked her to the point of her passing out from exhaustion and severe dehydration!” His eyebrows furrowed in anger, and his sandy brown hair bounced with his every move.

You winced from the pain in your head, and the movement didn’t go unnoticed by Reiner, who glanced at you from where he stood.

“Jean— inside voice, yeah?” Reiner softly spoke, subtly tilting his head down towards you. Jean’s gaze softened and concern replaced the anger on his contorted features, as he apologized to you.

“Yeah, seriously, what are you getting so worked up for?” Connie innocently asked, before a knowing look crossed his features. He turned to his partner-in-crime, and the two donned shit-eating grins as they turned back to Jean.

“Right, that’s why.”

Bertholdt, whose lanky body had been horizontally lying across the bed comfortably, sat up onto his elbows and cluelessly asked, “What’s why?”

Sasha’s smile widened, and she crossed her arms, mimicking Connie’s knowing smirk. “It’s because Jean-boy, here, is sweet on our dear little—”

“Would you shut up!” Jean yelled louder than before, fists shaking in anger. His face was flushed an impossible shade of red, and you would’ve joined in on the laughter, had your head not exploded from the pain.

You were fully aware of the incessant teasing Jean received regarding his relationship with you, and you would honestly be lying if you said you didn’t get a kick out of it as well. Deciding to spare your friend today, you sent a good-natured smile to him, hoping that would be enough to quell his frustration.

Had you not turned to converse with Eren, you wouldn’t have missed Jean’s dazed smile.

While talking to Eren, your mind briefly drifted to Levi and the situation that was weighing heavily on you. You didn’t want to believe that the Captain hated you– you desperately grasped onto your excuse that he was simply a harsh teacher. And yet, you knew there was something more to it.

In a panic-driven moment, you momentarily wondered if he had somehow found out about your feelings for him. You remembered him telling you about his upbringing— you knew better than most that Levi and confessions of love did not go together... at all. Before you could further dig yourself deeper into the pitiful hole you had been in the past month, a painfully familiar voice broke through your intrusive thoughts.

“You know how loud you are? This isn’t a damn daycare.”

“Sir!”

All conversation in the room came to an abrupt halt. You couldn’t help but grow amused at the sight of Eren and Bertholdt scrambling off your bed to stand and salute their superior. Your small smile was wiped off your face when your eyes met stormy grey ones. You quickly looked down, before inhaling quickly and swiftly pulling your bedsheets back. You attempted to muster as much strength as you could, ignoring the multiple eyes on you. You gracefully stood up from the bed, and turned to Levi, managing the salute as well. You slowly looked up at him.

“Sir,” you shakily mumbled, internally cringing once again at the uncharacteristic rasp to your voice.

You received proud looks of admiration from your friends, though Jean’s remained more concerned than proud. Idiot! he thought to himself. We know you’re strong, now’s not the time to prove it!

Levi, meanwhile, had tried his very best to suppress the guilt that had been eating away at him for the past day; however, it had only worsened when he saw you and heard your weak voice. Upon making eye contact with you, he almost wanted to fall to his knees and apologize profusely for everything he had put you through, audience be damned.

Levi had spent the better half of the day pacing around your room in the infirmary wing of the Scout Regiment’s base, lost deeply in his thoughts, as his concern for you weighed heavily in his heart. After a few more hours of pacing, he had finally come to the conclusion that he was an idiot (a grade A, unique brand of idiot all in a league of his very own), and that he was in love with you.

Where the first realization annoyed him to high heaven, the second one brought him a sense of peace that was only heightened every time he had looked at your unconscious form.

Levi, uncomfortable with the amount of self-actualizing he had done that day, had left the room after softly caressing your cheek, hoping to convey all of his guilt and apologies and love into the simple gesture. Once he was away from the infirmary wing of the base, he inhaled deeply, itching for the comfort of a cup of warm tea. On his way to the mess hall, he had passed by your friends from the 104th, all undoubtedly on their way to see you. Levi’s eyebrow had slightly risen upon noticing the varying looks of defiance and anger on each of their faces. He had remained unfazed, his half-lidded eyes looking away, as if he hadn’t even seen them at all.

Somehow, it was harder to face them now with you standing amongst them.

His face retained its usual impassive and bored expression, yet it momentarily faltered when he noticed you slightly stumble from where you were standing next to the hospital bed. Levi’s heartbeat quickened, and he made a subtle move to rush over to you to catch you for the second time that day, but Jean was quicker. The taller man had been keeping a watchful eye on you, and had quickly dropped his salute to stand behind you and steady your slightly uncoordinated form. You comfortably relaxed backwards into his arms as you sent a grateful smile up at him, and he softly smiled back in response, leading you back to the bed.

Levi was both relieved and a little fucking pissed off.

“Visiting hours are over— I need to talk to the brat,” he lazily said, authority ringing loudly and clearly in his command.

For the first time in all his years of captaining the scouts, there was a quick hesitation after his command.

Levi raised an unamused eyebrow at each of the cadets, silently challenging them to disobey him. Despite his threatening aura, he wouldn’t blame any of your friends if they were to defy Levi. The Captain deserved it for his treatment of you— he’d take it like a man.

Your eyes widened in surprise when your friends subtly glanced at you, silently asking if it was okay to leave you alone with him. Upon hearing Levi’s request to talk to you, your heart had begun to uncontrollably race and you swore you could feel it in your throat. You were disappointed in yourself for growing excited at finally being able to talk to him.

Blinking quickly, your cheeks grew hot under everyone’s gazes, so you reassuringly smiled at your eight friends, and you once again felt the genuine love you had for them erupt within your heart.

Ever the peacemaker of the group, Armin signaled for the rest to follow him out of the room, and they each uncertainly walked behind him. Mikasa squeezed your hand once more before following closely behind Eren, who sent you an encouraging smile. Bertholdt subtly sent a thumbs up to you, while Reiner winked at you as he looked over his broad shoulder. Your smile widened; however, it faltered when your eyes met Jean’s. His irritated expression worried you, yet before you could respond, he turned away and walked past Levi.

Levi had to give it to Jean— not many people had the balls to openly glare at the Captain.

Once everyone was gone, the tension within the room increased tenfold. You looked at Levi, and you bit your lip in contemplation, anticipating what he would say. Many thoughts rang through your head.

Was it another punishment? Was he going to yell at me? Did he find out about my fee–

“How do you feel?”

You almost had to pinch yourself. After one month of barely any interactions with your friend— if you were still even allowed to call him that— you realized how starved you were for pleasant conversation with Levi.

“I’ve been better,” you breathed out, still cautious. “How… how do you feel?”

Even after such an unpleasant experience, your unwavering kindness shone just as brightly. Levi’s heart ached so sweetly, and he internally groaned upon realizing how fucking whipped he was.

He silently stepped forward, pulling a seat to the side of your bed. Once he was seated, Levi looked into your eyes, and you felt your breath hitch at the intensity of the swirl of emotions dancing within his normally cold eyes. He exhaled softly.

You noticed how tired he looked.

“Just peachy.”

There was a pregnant pause, and you came to realize that there was just too much you wanted to say to him, and you didn’t know where to start. Your soft eyes held his sharp gaze.

“You scared the shit out of me, brat.”

Your heart involuntarily skipped a beat, and your eyes widened in response.

“I did?” you internally slapped yourself at your stupid response.

“Yeah. You did.”

“Sorry, sir,” you softly mumbled.

“Levi… just Levi.”

The Levi in front of you was a completely different man from the one who you’ve had the pleasure of interacting with over the past month. You thought back to your friends and their anger at your mistreatment, and you thought of the many unfair punishments, cold shoulder treatments, and overworking during training (despite you being second only to Humanity’s Strongest, himself). Slowly, your incredulity at being treated like a lapdog began to dim and was replaced by your growing indignation. Though you were no stranger to standing up for yourself, you still felt your anxiety skyrocket as you looked back up at your superior.

“Do you hate me, Captain? Did I… did I do something?”

And there it was.

Levi knew the question would come up at some point, and yet he still felt ill-prepared in his response. He knew this was a big step for you— in the whole year that he’s gotten to know you, he learned how much you hated confrontation. You blatantly ignoring his request and choosing to address him by his title caught his attention, and he frowned. When he looked into your slightly watery eyes, a warmth spread throughout his chest, and he had to clear his throat.

“Don’t say shit like that, you haven’t done anything.”

Levi wanted to punch himself— he was never good with words.

You, however, weren’t fazed by the manner in which he spoke. You had fallen for the man, harsh words and all.

“Then why have you—” you paused as you momentarily lost your voice.

Levi thought it was cute (to be fair, he found everything about you endearing), yet he knew it would be inappropriate to openly admire you when you were so clearly upset with him.

“Sorry,” you grew embarrassed and licked your lips, “It’s just… well, why have you been ignoring me? And— and yelling at me? We stopped drinking tea together, and practicing in the forests. You don’t even acknowledge me when I talk to you! I’m sure you have a really good reason, sir, but I just—”

Levi detested the sick feeling of guilt that churned within his heart. In hindsight, he really should’ve thought it through before he began his little plan of distancing himself from you. How else was he supposed to tell you oh, everyone in the fucking Scout Regiment wants you, and so do I, but I haven’t done anything about it because I’m a pussy, so I just decided to take it out on you and wallow in my own self-pity like the sad little man I am, without sounding like he was deranged.

“—I just miss you.”

Levi’s eyes widened a fraction of an inch, and his breath hitched. This time it was the sincerity in your eyes that made him look away quickly.

“I…”

I’ve missed you too, dammit.

At his lack of a response, your eyebrows furrowed, and your irritation grew. Your small hands balled the soft bedsheet, and you swallowed to soften the burn in your throat before speaking.

“Why did you even come here?” you scoffed indignantly, attempting to mask your hurt, “Was it to just to yell at me some more? Oh, I know! Maybe I need to run through training ten more times again, right?”

The guilt churned even more in his chest, and Levi seriously wanted to punch himself. He willed himself to say something— anything— but he felt speechless in front of you.

“Levi,” you hoarsely spoke with desperation, and he looked into your watery eyes. “Say something, please.”

It was as if you had read his mind, and a slight feeling of reassurance quelled the storm in his heart; you really were the only one for him. As he met your eyes— your beautiful, enchanting eyes— he felt his self-hatred skyrocket at the amount of hurt in them. He had grown used to seeing them filled with humor, kindness, and a soft edge that was rare to find nowadays. Yet seeing them filled with such pain and hurt was unsettling, and Levi went mute for the fifth time that day.

You nodded in understanding when he failed to say anything, and your heart clenched. Jean had been right— you were nothing more than a lovesick puppy. You blinked quickly as a poor attempt to conceal your tears, yet nothing ever escaped the Captain’s attention.

His gaze softened, and Levi found out something else about himself— he really didn’t like seeing you cry.

“Shit, please don’t cry,” he tenderly mumbled, as he leaned closer to you and gently cupped your face to wipe away your tears with the pads of his thumb.

Your breath hitched and your full lips involuntarily parted. You relished in the warmth of his touch, and you wanted nothing more than to lean into his comforting hand. Your name fell from his lips, and you felt yourself come back to reality. Remembering just how you had gotten into this situation, you decided to stand your ground. Despite everything in your body begging to give in and accept this moment with the Captain, you stood unwavering in your decision.

You gently grabbed his large hand with both your hands, and moved it away from your face and into your lap. You held it there loosely and delicately rubbed your fingers over his hand soothingly before eventually stopping, and looking back up at him.

His usual bored expression was long gone, and in its place was a very tender and vulnerable expression. A storm was brewing in his grey eyes, and you distantly remembered stargazing once with him. You had desperately wished you could read his thoughts— somehow, you had found his daunting eyes more fascinating than the starry sky. You felt an ache in your heart at the intimate memories, and you really really wished Levi loved you the way you love him.

“You know what, Levi? It doesn’t even matter if you hate me, because—” you inhaled sharply.

This has to be done, you reassured yourself, or else you’d be subjecting yourself to an onslaught of hurt and heartbreak.

“—Because I hate you.”

Your lip quivered and your broken voice faltered. And of course, Levi noticed.

His eyes darted down to your lips at the slight movement. His hands had stilled, and he decided that getting eaten by a damn titan would be much less painful than this.

And then he’s looking at you. You looked back at him, yet he’s looking at you— through you— in that way that makes you want to hide and hold your ground at the same time.

“Right,” Levi drawled, and you knew he didn’t believe you (hell, you were unconvinced yourself). His eyes reverted back to their cold nature, and he ran a hand through his hair, allowing the silky strands to softly land against his forehead.

He stood up, and wordlessly gave you a onceover. Under his scrutiny, you felt yourself grow insecure, but deep down you desperately hoped he’d stay. You bit your bottom lip in apprehension, and Levi’s eyes softened at the sight of your nervous habit.

How is it that he could kill titans all the livelong day yet when it came to this sweet girl, so small and disarming, he couldn’t even utter a single word?

Levi had never felt more pathetic. He peered down at you, momentarily debating whether it would be right for him to attempt one last thing before finally deciding fuck it, and gently cupping your cheek for the third time that day, bending down, and pressing a soft kiss to the top of your head. He gingerly inhaled your enticing scent, appreciating how even after the hell he had put you through, you still smelled so alluring.

You were positive that Levi could hear your heartbeat. You blinked many times in disbelief, as he pulled away and sent one last lingering gaze down at you.

Levi slightly smirked at the pretty blush that had colored your cheeks, his half-lidded eyes drinking in the mesmerizing sight of you sitting up in your bed and gaping up at him, your cheeks flushed and wet with the remnants of your tears. He turned around and silently left the room.

He had ignored every part of his body that begged him to stay.

▲▼▲

“Shut up, I can barely hear them!”

“Ow— Bertholdt, you’re stepping on my foot!”

“Oh, sorry.”

“Watch it, horse face!”

“Eren.”

“You piece of shit, I’m—”

The piece of bread that had been tightly held in Sasha’s grip suddenly fell to the floor. Everyone went silent.

“Holy shit, I think… I think he just kissed her.”

Jean really hoped Sasha was wrong.

He decided to ignore the fact that her freakishly good hearing bordered on supernatural, so there was really no way she could’ve been wrong with a mere wooden door standing between her and the conversation.

“I knew there was something going on between them! Reiner— pay up.”

Reiner muttered several curses under his breath as he pulled out a hefty stack of cash from his pocket. Connie’s grin widened.

Armin had glanced up at Jean, slightly alarmed at the dark expression on his face. Before he could comfort his friend, the door suddenly opened. Everyone scrambled to straighten themselves up, attempting to act like they hadn’t been just eavesdropping on the entire conversation between you and the Captain.

A chorus of sir’s rang throughout the large hallway, and Levi grew amused at the sight before him. His lips twitched upwards, and the cadets had to almost physically stop their mouths from dropping open at the sight. Levi’s ghost of a smile disappeared when his eyes met Jean’s seething ones.

The two held each other’s gazes, Levi’s expression being cool, while Jean’s had been irritated. Levi was not a fucking idiot; he knew the kid was in love with you.

Join the fucking club.

Levi, realizing that this was the exact reason he had gotten himself into that mess with you and not really wanting to sour his somewhat good mood, looked away from Jean to nod at the group of your friends.

“As you were.”

He brushed past Jean, his gaze as intimidating as ever, as he silently walked down the hallway. Jean’s fists clenched tightly. Once Levi had turned the corner, the group exploded into chatter, their reactions varying from stunned to adoring.

Jean really really fucking hoped Sasha was wrong.

▲▼▲

Your horse trotted proudly through the vast landscape, the wind blew through your open hair, your friends teased each other amicably, and your excitement grew at finally being cleared to join the scouts on their next expedition. Though you hadn’t been getting much sleep lately, and you’ve been a little too preoccupied to eat much, nothing could bring your mood down at this moment.

You were alongside your friends as you all followed the section commanders as their horses galloped into the edge of the forest. The mission for today was to exterminate any titans who had wandered too close to the walls. A simple mission, and you were more than capable.

You had been in a great mood.

Until your eyes landed on Levi.

He had been further up, leading his own squad. He had turned around to respond to Gunther, and that’s when his eyes had met yours. Your internal conflict grew, and you ultimately ended up averting your eyes and ignoring him, deciding to maintain your cold treatment towards him.

Him kissing your head had only further confused you, despite the sweet butterflies you felt every time you thought back to it. Levi’s treatment towards you had unexpectedly changed since that day in the infirmary, and it had reverted to the way it was before his sudden aversion to you, though there was something much sweeter in his actions. You swore you were getting whiplash.

Though he had been significantly kinder to you, you had held your ground, unrelenting in your declaration. Part of you was terrified that if you gave in and became comfortable, he’d suddenly return back to the yelling, the punishments, and the overworking. Part of you also didn’t want to face reality— your feelings were unreciprocated, and they would only serve to bring you a world of heartache and sadness.

Your cold shoulder towards him was nothing compared to the way he had treated you. Yours mainly consisted of avoiding him, and when that wasn’t an option and you had to interact with him, you kept it civil and short. Your heart would ache, but you knew it was for the best. It helped that Jean would offer approving smiles and words of encouragement, even going as far as to smirk when you had ignored the Captain.

Levi, meanwhile, had frowned when he noticed that you ignored him. Again.

In all honesty, he did deserve it, but that didn’t mean it still didn’t hurt like a bitch. He grew irked at your display. Levi hoped you would understand that him kissing your head and showing affection towards you was his grand confession of love. You knew he was shit with words, and he hoped that that would be enough.

He was sadly fucking mistaken.

His attention had been on you the whole mission. Even when the scouts had to dismount from the horses to use the ODM gear through the trees, he had somehow managed to keep a watchful eye on you. You were graceful as ever as you flew through the trees, though his observing gaze noticed that your reaction time was noticeably slower than normal. He had also noticed the dark circles under your usually bright eyes, and he grew worried upon noticing your overall state.

Levi, himself, wasn’t faring much better. He was getting virtually no sleep, running completely on caffeine, adrenaline, and pure will, yet he still made sure he was in excellent shape when it came to these missions— humanity was resting on his shoulders, after all.

The firing of a flare gun in the distance indicated that the group would be encountering titans— a lot of titans— from the left. The soldiers prepared, all eyes focused on the left. You had conveniently taken up the right-most end of the formation, and your attention had also been on the left, your blades held tightly in your hands.

It was only by chance that Levi decided to glance down at you as he soared above you in the middle of the formation. Your eyes met once again, and Levi’s heart lurched at the beautiful sight, when movement behind you immediately caught his attention. A large abnormal with the ability to jump from tree to tree had suddenly appeared and made an attempt to grab you. Your attention had been solely on Levi, so you hadn’t noticed, especially over the roar of the wind in your ears.

Levi’s eyes widened, and he yelled out your name. The rich baritone of his deep voice reached your ears, and you turned slightly behind you, yet you reacted too slowly. Your body jerked backwards, flying so far from the group. You flew through the air at such a great speed that it took you by surprise when you slammed against a tree as the wires of your ODM gear grew tangled. The abnormal had missed you— barely. Your head slammed against the tree and you felt the wind knocked out of your body at the impact.

You whimpered at the hell of a hospital stay you’d have to face after this.

The abnormal almost seemed to be grinning wider upon realizing that it had successfully subdued you. You attempted to quickly stand up, though your body yelled in agony at the movement. Willing yourself to fight back, you shakily stood up, tightly gripping your blades that had miraculously not fallen to the ground throughout the struggle. You winced at the searing pain that shot through your head, yet you clenched your teeth in determination. Realizing that your gear was broken and therefore useless, you quickly discarded yourself of it, and felt some of the tension in your body alleviate now that you were significantly lighter.

“The hell is she doing?” Jean yelled incredulously from his spot next to Levi, and the other members of the group looked on in shock as they all attempted to make it to you in time.

“She’s fighting back,” Levi spoke through gritted teeth, his worry for you eating him alive. His eyebrows were furrowed in stress and anxiety, and he was now soaring impossibly fast through the trees in order to reach you.

Stupid brat. Stupid, resilient, little brat.

“Attagirl!” Oluo and Eld cheered, and Petra shoved them, warning them to stop their blatant ogling in the middle of a dangerous mission. They skillfully dodged her attack, grinning at their adept use of the ODM gear.

A noise towards the side caught their attention, and the group realized the titans they had been anticipating were now in sight. Levi coolly assessed the shitty situation, before commanding that most of the soldiers take care of the titans, while Levi, his squad, and some of the 104th’s cadets would assist you. The group split up, and Levi turned his attention back to you, his heart thumping against his chest.

As the titan made a move to grab you, you exhaled quickly to focus before skillfully jumping onto its elongated arm and running quickly towards its nape. You were defying gravity as you gained speed the higher you went. The titan wasn’t stupid, and it began to grab you with its other arm, yet you anticipated its move. You lithely dodged it, executing a quick front flip as you narrowly escaped its grasp once again.

This was it!

You saw your opening. You leaped forward and pushed your feet against its shoulder as hard as you could, soaring high up in the air above the titan. Muscle memory served you well, and you thought back to the training circuit that had mimicked a situation almost exactly like this one. You gracefully began to spin yourself faster and faster, your cape billowing behind you as you finally readied your blades for the final blow. You yelled out, as your head pain worsened. As a result, your maneuver faltered slightly, almost imperceptible to the human eye. The titan noticed.

It lashed a large hand out again, attempting to grab you, but it accidentally slapped your body away. You cried out in pain, and you flew in the direction of your friends, hurtling towards the ground. You were falling so fast, and you felt yourself grow dizzy from being chucked around so much in the last five minutes.

Eren yelled out your name, a whimper stuck in his throat at the sight of your almost lifeless body spiraling downwards. Jean’s eyes widened, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to make it in time.

Levi’s heart stopped upon witnessing the titan slap your body with so much force. You were plummeting towards the ground at an impossible speed, and he didn’t even think twice before withdrawing his ODM gear’s hooks and diving towards you within the blink of an eye. His cape flew behind him, and a determined glint had overtaken his angry features.

You had been bordering between consciousness and unconsciousness, yet the sight above you had been so clear that it almost felt as if everything was moving in slow motion. Your long hair flew around you, creating a curtain around your face, as you looked up at Levi. He had dived towards you, his jaw so tightly clenched. His muscular long arm began reaching out to you. The ground was quickly approaching, and you felt a sense of serenity at the sight of your Captain, despite your confusion and the severity of this situation.

“Levi,” you mumbled, smiling softly.

His face dropped upon seeing the calm expression on your face, and he willed himself to go faster, a number of expletive curses ringing through his head.

That damn titan. Did it know how small you were? How precious you were?

He spun himself slightly to gain momentum, and he saw you were just within reach. Levi confidently stretched his strong arm out even more, managing to wrap his hand around your arm. He swiftly pulled you into his chest, one arm wrapping around your waist, while the other hand cradled your head protectively against his broad chest. He swiftly flipped himself around to face his body upwards, further ensuring he’d take the majority of the blow in case you two ended up hitting the ground, and shot both of his ODM gear’s hooks into a nearby tree, propelling both of you away from the ground and towards the high branch. You fleetingly realized how familiar this position felt.

Once Levi safely landed, he kneeled, and supported your body against his thigh as he continued to hold you in his arms. He quickly looked over his shoulder, and could make out the sight of the titan falling to the ground. All the members of his squad seemed alive and well, so he turned his attention back to you. His eyes quickly darted over your face, desperately searching for any obvious injuries.

Your eyes fluttered open at the feeling of Levi running his hands through your hair and over your cheeks. The Levi in front of you was leagues different from the cool and composed one you had come to know. He had a frantic look in his eyes, his jaw clenched tightly, as he desperately peered down at you.

“Le… Levi?” You mumbled, your voice still a little hoarse from your recent infirmary stay.

“You are so precious to me, you hear me?” He lowly spoke, panic and anger and a whole plethora of emotions coloring his normally deadpan voice.

Your jaw fell open and you were almost positive you were suffering from a mean concussion, and this was a hallucination. “Wha—”

“You’re a fucking brat— an incredibly frustrating, resilient little brat— but you’re mine.”

You dazedly looked up at him, and you realized how close his face was to yours. His muscular chest was heaving up and down, and a small droplet of sweat dripped down from his hairline. Levi’s handsome features held nothing but adoration for you, and in that moment nothing could bring you down from the high you were experiencing. You felt his warm hands cup your cheek once more, a habit he seemed to be fond of.

“You want a fucking declaration of love? Here it is— if anything happens to you, I swear I’ll kill every titan on this piece of shit planet,” he spoke, surprisingly unbothered with how vulnerable he was being with you. He moved closer to you, his forehead nearly resting on your own. “I don’t give a fuck if you hate me or not. You’re mine, and I’m yours. And that’s all there is to it.”

Your hand creeped up to grasp the wrist of the hand that had been caressing your face, and you tightened your fingers around it. He froze, momentarily wondering if you were rejecting his confession, and he internally groaned at the thought.

There’d be no coming back from this one.

“You’re mine?” You shakily asked, a gloriously beautiful smile slowly gracing your features.

“That’s what I said,” he mumbled, attempting to conceal how lovestruck he felt at your smile.

“After… after we get home and I get some medical attention, you’re going to have to kiss me, alright? I’m—”

You were cut off by his lips pressing against your own. Your eyes fluttered shut, and you relished in the soft feeling of his lips molding against yours. You felt an indescribable warmth erupt in your chest, and you whimpered against Levi’s lips. His kiss was soft and warm, a huge contrast to the Levi from this past month. He pulled away just as quickly as he had bent down.

“One for the road,” he simply explained, glancing down at you. He internally smirked at the pretty blush coloring your cheeks— he was always fond of the sight.

▲▼▲

“You’re not serious.”

“Do I look like I’m joking?”

You stifled your giggles at Levi’s straight face. Your expression still showed your disbelief at what he had just told you.

“I’m not an idiot, Levi, I know how some people look at me,” you laughed, rolling your eyes playfully.

“Even the Commander?”

“Oh, I’m working my way up through the ranks right now, can’t you tell?” You teased, gesturing down to your intertwined bodies, as you both faced each other in his warm bed.

“You’re funny, brat,” he deadpanned, no heat and all fondness as he affectionately pinched your cheeks.

You snuggled deeper into his chest, savoring the warmth that you were enveloped in. You were wearing his shirt— still warm and smelling strongly of him— and you inhaled softly as your face pressed deeper into his chest. Somehow, the slight aftermath of your headache from the recent expedition began to dull slightly.

“I’m sorry again,” Levi murmured, softly cradling your head against his chest.

“Really? I couldn’t tell the first five hundred times you said so,” you teased, looking up at him. Your breath hitched at the sight of his face angled down towards you, dark wisps of hair falling over his eyes and structured face. Levi was so painfully handsome, you could feel your heart flutter.

His eyes were intense, and his guilt continued to stir within his stomach. Seemingly able to read his mind, you pressed a chaste kiss to his warm chest.

“Idiot,” you mumbled, “I really wouldn’t care if the King himself came up to me and proposed, and you know exactly why.”

“Humor me.”

“Terrifying guy, goes by the name of Humanity’s Strongest Soldier?”

He chuckled lowly, the deepness of his voice vibrating through his chest, and your insides turned to mush. Feeling relieved at successfully pulling Levi out of his little hole of guilt, you yawned softly. Your bruised ribs still ached at times, yet you ignored it this time to cuddle deeper into Levi, who was also on the verge of sleep.

He was sleepily looking down at you, observing your attempts to get comfortable in his embrace, and he softly smiled to himself. His muscular arms tightened around you, one of his hands coming to rest on the soft curve of your hip. He relished in the fact that sleep would be coming easily to him with you here. Levi had surprised himself with how easily he was able to show his affections toward you, and he chalked it up to that being further proof that you really were the only one for him.

He felt a warmth come from the sweet pang in his chest, and it spread throughout his entire body. Levi had learned to associate that feeling with you.

His eyes closed silently, and you pressed one last kiss to his chest.

“Precious,” he mumbled, “Precious little brat.”

▲▼▲

#levi ackerman x reader #levi ackerman #attack on titan #attack on titan fic #shingeki no kyojin #shingeki no kyoujin #levi aot #levi fanfiction #aot fanfiction #aot #request #jean kirschtien #jean kirstein x reader

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where-theres-smoak-2 · 2 years

Text

Warning Moon Knight 1x04/ Eternals Spoilers.

I’m back playing the game of in how many ways can I connect the Eternals to the new MCU shows and movies. Today I am thinking about Moon Knight ep four and their introduction of Alexander the Great as Ammit’s last avatar. I could be totally wrong about this but I do wonder if the eternals were involved in the imprisonment of Ammit in some way. I mean if you think about it the eternals’ mission was all about developing intelligent life and growing it so that it could feed Tiamut, even if not all of them knew that’s what they were doing. If Ammit was judging people before they committed any evil act and killing them on the off chance that they did commit bad deeds then I feel like alot of people were dying. Hundreds of thousands of people died in Alexander’s campaigns. I could see the mcu going the route of saying that these campaigns in the mcu world were driven by Ammit, that Alexander was doing her bidding when he conquered these lands. That he was eradicating evil on her behalf. Maybe it got to the point where Ammit’s mission was getting in the way of the eternals’ mission and so they decided to interfere and help the other Egyptian gods imprison Ammit.

There’s also Alexander himself. From Moon Knight 1x02 we know that Ammit was betrayed by her own avatar, seeing as we have now learned that Alexander the Great was her last avatar its safe to assume he was the one who turned on her and betrayed her. The interesting thing about Alexander though is that he has connections to, Macedonia, Athens and Babylon. All of these places are places that we know that the Eternals lived in at some point in history and also have connections with. We see them in Babylon in 575 bc, Sprite also says that Kingo abandoned her in Macedonian, though we don’t know for sure when they were in Macedonian. Also during a conversation with Dane we learn that at least Sersi, Ikaris and Sprite lived in Athens. Dane says during the 5th century BC and Sersi doesn’t seem to deny that but we also don’t know for sure how long they were in Greece for and also we know that for at least part of the 5th Century they were in Babylon. Alexander’s era was during the 3rd Century BC so around 200 years after they were in Babylon. I think it is entirely possible that the eternals were still in that region when Alexander was, maybe even still in Babylon as we don’t know for sure when they left or maybe in Greece/Athens. Alexander in history actually died in Babylon, for all we know in the mcu the eternals may have been present when he did. We don’t have an exact timeline on where the eternals were at certain points in history. We only really have 5 confirmed dates and places, Mesopotamia 5000 bc, Babylon 575 bc, The Gupta Empire 400 ad, Tenochtitlan 1521 and then various locations in 2024 which is the present day in the mcu, we know its 2024 because it is post snap where everyone was brought back. We are also given a couple of other places where we know they have been like Athens and Macedonia. But just the time between Babylon and the Gupta Empire is nearly 1000 years of missing history. Like I said I could be totally wrong but maybe choosing Alexander, someone that does have those connections to the same places the Eternals do was a deliberate choice by the show’s creators and is suppose to be a hint to the presence of the eternals in those events. It’s also probably totally unrelated and I could most definitely be stretching here, but in the opening shot showing Khonshu being put with the other imprisoned gods something caught my attention. In total there are ten gods imprisoned in that chamber. Most likely just a coincidence but that is the same number of imprisoned gods as there are eternals. I don’t know maybe that number is suppose to make us think of the eternals and again connect Moon Knight with them. I said in another post that there just seem to be alot of similarities and connections between the two, and there is so much in Moon Knight that is reminding me of Eternals.

#moon knight #moon knight spoilers #eternals #eternals spoilers #theory post

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thepoodlepack · 3 years

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What's wrong with goldenpoodles? I'm genuinely curious because almost all of my dogs are mixed breeds and behave fine. So I'm curious if there's something else I'm missing

jeez this feels like bait but u kno what, you got me

alright, so it goes like this. the doodle really began with a guy in australia being like i need the temperament of a lab for a guide dog but these ppl are allergic to dogs, so i need a poodle bc they have hair, not fur. so he bred em together. years later he’s like damn that was a mistake.

now, why, exactly? alright so first of all he only needed that mix bc labs on average tend to adapt better to situations that are largely exclusive to service dog work than poodles do. i can go into what this means at a later date, but that’s basically how it is. but either way, people jumped on this creation and it kinda spiraled out of control. soon, poodles were being bred by everyone and every breed. suddenly, they were a marketing scam more then they were a dog breed.

oh theyre hypoallergenic! all of them, all the time cause zero allergies! look theyre so much better than poodles! theyre friendly and easy to train, not like poodles of course, just like labs! they’re better than labs bc none of them shed, ever! they’re super healthy bc breeding labs and poodles together wipes out all their health problems, of course!

lies, lies lies. the aussie guy, whose name i’m not going to look up bc i’m lazy but who you can find if you google creator of doodles, straight up says that even the first litter(s) of labradoodles he bred had puppies that the people he bred them for were allergic to. he very carefully tested the litter and the reaction the person had before placing a puppy that was not going to hurt them.

think of the punnet squares we all learned about in 5th grade science class. you draw the squares and one parent has two fur genes and the other parent has two hair genes and what do you get? well if you have four puppies, one might have hairhair and the next one might have hairfur and the next one might have furhair and the next one might have furfur. and so guess what? only hairhair pup is going to be the best choice for allergic people. additionally, you can see why the non-shedding thing can be bullshit, and that in particular is also a guessing game. you may be able to test allergy sufferers against the pups, but that does not necessarily mean they won’t shed. hairfur, for example, may be a good choice for some allergic people, but perhaps they’ve got just enough fur to shed anyway. also, lets look at salukis (and frankly, most long-haired sighthounds). salukis are still considered dogs with fur, not hair. they also still shed, even though it’s just a little. and yet they’re still considered good for allergy sufferers.

(ps poodles do actually shed. but they shed like humans shed. your hair comes out, doesn’t it? like, esp folks with long hair, aren’t people always complaining how you clog the shower drain? yeah, like that. ALSO obviously the situation is more complicated then super simple punnet squares and as an ex-groomer i have something to say about doodle coats but i’m going to save that for later, put a pin in it.)

oh and wait a hot minute there. i said best choice, didn’t i, not hypoallergenic. well, that’s because no dog is hypoallergenic. poodles, and a few other dog breeds, they have hair, like we do. but the thing is both humans and breeds with hair still produce the dander, though they’re different kinds. breeds with hair happen to produce the least amount possible that dogs can produce, which is why they’re a better choice for allergy sufferers, but that’s still not a guarantee. my roommate Dakota is allergic to dogs. if i don’t wash my dogs for an extended period of time (which has never happened, ever, in my life, idk what ur talking about), thus giving the chance for the dander my dogs still produce, he will have a very, very mild reaction when touching them. it can be countered by him washing his hands after touching them and also me just giving them a fucking bath, i need to stop forgetting, but still, there you go. ALSO people might not be allergic to dogs bc of their dander. they might be allergic to the saliva of dogs, which poodles or any other breed with hair still produces about the same as other dogs. so, yeah, not hypoallergenic, not at all.

the people who taut their hypoallergenic dogs for sale largely don’t do the testing required to check if they’re actually providing a dog to someone who won’t react to it. not acceptable at all.

so, labs are friendly and easy to train right? not at all like poodles, right? no. absolutely incorrect. some labs are friendly and easy to train. some labs, a lot of them when they’re puppies, are nightmare fuel. personally, i have a theory that everyone’s vision of labs in their heads are either a) service dogs or b) those old labs who are slightly pudgy (or morbidly obsess, which is a different topic) and who are graying in the face and just want to lounge around because they’re seniors now. alright, so here’s why thats bad. labs are a working breed. a retrieving breed. they’re supposed to be bulky and strong and driven. service dogs are highly trained, to a point that most pet dogs will never see, and if you see them with their actual disabled handler, they’ll probably be around 2.5 yrs of age and out of their most wild days. old labs are well. old. sleepy. maybe a bit achey. and well out of their most wild days. oh, and it’s the same type of thing with goldens by the way, the other most popular doodle type. poodles are also easy to train, especially if their parents have a decent temperament. they’re all about equal if you actually start training them when they’re puppies and just pay for some training classes, like everyone should. in the puppy classes i’m in right now, Euphoria is leaps and bounds ahead of doodles, goldens, and labs that are her age or older. I train her properly and she’s got amazing parents. that’s it, that’s the trick. not breed, not necessarily, and def not in this case.

I am once again going to say that labs and goldens are more often used as service dogs than poodles because of their adaptability, but it’s the ability to adapt to situations that most pet dogs will never have to worry about.

jeez this is a long post. i’ve still got more to cover too. alright, on to super healthy, or “hybrid vigor” as the nerds call it. uhh, it’s bullshit. thank u for ur time.

okay, but actually why on gods green earth would breeding two completely different breeds with little to no research make them super healthy? now i want to preface this with i’m (generally) pro-outcross projects. Euphoria’s dad is half mini poodle and half standard poodle, which isn’t technically an outcross bc all the variations are of the same breed, but if we’re going by genetic diversity alone minis and standards are different enough to actually be different breeds.

so, to be clear, outcrosses, given the proper thought and planning: good, results in healthier dogs (see: lua dals). randomly breeding two very different breeds together with no planning other than to sell the puppies to randos who won’t continue the outcross: bad. especially when you’re doing it to cash in and don’t health test at all, or don’t health test the major health problems with both breeds (if you’re doing an f2 breeding or anything like that). no the poodle’s health problems don’t get canceled out by the goldens or labs or whatever the other party’s health problems are, and vice versa. and yeah, i’ve looked at a lot of doodle breeder’s websites and yeah, most of them don’t health test at all, or at least don’t health test properly. do you know i own one doodle and currently live with another? yeah, i got them both from breeders and do you know how much health testing their parents got? if your answer is none, good job, you’ve been paying attention. in my defense, i was like 13, i didn’t know what i was doing.

alright, so those are the big points. this is kinda gonna be just... a mix of my other complaints. here we go, hope you’re ready for more. argument the first: i feel like it’s pretty disrespectful to reputable breeders. now, i actually have two reasons why that is. reason one: most reputable poodle breeders don’t want their breeding stock bred with other breeds, for various reasons. i’ve even met a few who used to be okay with it and then as the doodle scam got bigger and more out of control, they stopped being okay with it, even to the breeders who they had been fine with it in the past. that means a lot of doodle breeders out there have their breeding stock because they scammed poodle breeders into giving them pet quality, not breeding quality, dogs or because they’re getting their stock from non-reputable breeders. i also feel it’s disrespectful to breeders who are actually trying to create new breeds. quite frankly, a breed with the size, strength, and adaptability of a lab or golden that doesn’t shed and that has the train-ability of a poodle, lab, or golden sounds pretty interesting to me. did you know you can actually make that breed? and it wouldn’t be a cross with unpredictable... well, everything. it would actually be a true dog breed.

Look at Silken Windhounds and Biewer Terriers who began both development in the 1980s. Biewer Terriers were recognized by the AKC this year, and Silken Windhounds still haven’t been. And yeah, that’s the problem isn’t it? Making a real new breed takes a lot of time, planning, and care. People would rather just cash in. I think it’s sad and I think it’s disrespectful to the breeders who do work so hard to make actual new breeds.

and finally, unpin being an ex-groomer goddamnit. guess what? doodles are awful to groom! they’re terrible on the grooming tables because people want to have in both ways: they want a dog that doesnt shed at all and they want a dog who doesn’t need to be groomed. well guess what, that dog doesn’t exist and you can have it only one way. and also, bring back the goddamn punnet squares because a lot of doodles have awful coats. if you have hairfur and furhair over there, guess what, their coat fucking sucks bc it’s not meant to be like that. it wants to mat bc hair but also it wants the mats to slide out bc short-ish fur but its too thick for the mats to slide out bc thick hair. and yes its more complicated then this and that means its often more awful then this. its awful, it makes me want to cry. and maybe it’s slightly easier to get away with it with a shorthaired dog like a lab, or, you know what, even a golden, okay, even a slightly long haired dog like a golden but people are doodling akitas? border collies? bernese fucking mountain dogs? i am crying. i am crying right now as i type this.

lets do a sum up to this disaster of a post. look, i don’t go out there attacking or yelling at every doodle or every doodle owner i see, alright? or any of them really. i might engage in conversation to one that’s interested, but that’s it. i love my doodly Isis, okay? shes tiny and she’s adorable and I love her more than life and i will never, ever get another doodle. i don’t like the way they’ve gotten so prolific, i don’t like the reasons they’re now widespread, and i don’t like almost all of the people that create them, including the ones i’ve literally given my (parents) money to in the past. i wish they were better but i just cannot approve of them, especially not in the environment they exist in now. that said, i do support them in their original use case as assistance dogs, and i do not care about them if they’re shelter dogs.

#long post #anti doodle #text #my post #yes this took me like an hour #yes i do hate myself for it #Anonymous #oh anon im being grumpy mostly for comedy thats only funny to me #you're fine as long as you werent trying to bait me

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unpeumacabre · 4 years

Text

my kingdom for a horse: chapter 5

the year is 1601, a messenger has been sent to dongnae, and he has not returned. lord cho-hak-ju advises the joseon king to send crown prince lee chang to dongnae to investigate, but the plot he unravels there threatens the safety of the entire kingdom, and the stability of the dynasty.

a rewriting of kingdom, and lee chang finds love.

Rating: Mature

Relationships: Lee Chang/Yeong-shin

Read on AO3 (bc tumblr might mess up the formatting + more extensive author’s notes on the story)

Count: 5k

<-- previous next -->

The people of Jecheon fall like wisps of paper before a firestorm. Lee Chang finds that for every monster hacked down by his blade, there are three more to take its place, and soon he feels his arms failing him and his hope fading fast. Beside him, Yeong-shin fights like a whirlwind unleashed; an unfailingly-fierce presence by his side, slashing and hacking at the monsters when his gunpowder had run out, and he hews down every monster who passes Lee Chang’s guard – but it is not enough. They are not enough.

Despite his dying hopes, still Lee Chang fights on. He remembers his promise to the herbalist, and he will carry it through to the best of ability, as long as there is breath left in his body.

“We must go to the magistrate’s court!” Yeong-shin calls to him. “To the magistrate’s court!” he roars, to the guards fighting alongside them. Lee Chang spies a mother advancing on her two daughters, cowering behind the pillar of their home, the door torn off his hinges and completely wrecked. He yanks the children to him and covers their eyes before severing the neck of their mother.

“Follow me,” he calls to the children, his voice rough as he steers them away from the corpse of their mother, so they do not see her body fall. The younger of the two sobs, and grips at his coat, smearing it with blood. Thankfully, they appear not to have been bitten, but the older has a large gash on her arm embedded with splinters, which requires looking at. Lee Chang grits his teeth and rips off the hem of his coat to use as a bandage.

“Your Highness,” snarls Yeong-shin from beside him, slicing off the head of a monster who lurches too close, “there are too many of them. We must make for the magistrate’s court, now!”

They sprint to the building, fending off monsters and rescuing whatever people they can. As the court comes into view, Lee Chang utters a yell of fury – the gates are blocked and barred.

“That coward of a magistrate,” he curses. “I’ll have his head – I’ll have their heads, the lot of them!”

Yeong-shin glances around, and wrenches a ladder sticking out from a nearby hut. He presses it against the walls and gestures frantically at it. Lee Chang scales the ladder. Suddenly a dozen arrows are pointed at him.

“You dare shoot the heir to the Phoenix Throne?” he bellows. “You do not fear divine retribution, or the annihilation of your entire family?”

The soldiers glance at each other, and back down despite the magistrate’s panicked shouting. Lee Chang glances at the gate; the men have shoved countless objects against it, and it will be a waste of time to attempt to dismantle the structure. He turns back to look down at Yeong-shin.

“The gate cannot be opened,” he cries. “Bring more ladders!” Yeong-shin’s eyes burn furiously into his, then he nods and darts away. Lee Chang hops down the ladder and grasps the two girls in his arms.

“Up you go,” he says quietly to them, and boosts them up the ladder. They disappear over the wall.

More people come to him, either citizens driven from their homes or guards who had been on watch. He fends off the monsters howling at their backs, while they scramble up the ladder. Similar scenes play out beside him, as more ladders are found and the remaining people of Jecheon who have not managed to wrestle themselves onto the rooftops, hurl themselves into the court of the magistrate’s offices.

In the middle of the fray, Lee Chang starts as he grasps hold of a familiar calloused palm, and he spins around to look into Seo-bi’s dear, beautiful face. He almost cries in relief, for in her other hand, she grasps Mu-yeong’s.

“I thank the gods you are here,” he says, feelingly, and grasps Mu-yeong’s shoulder in a moment of camaraderie. Mu-yeong gives him an answering grin, a flash of teeth - then back into the chaos and panic they go.

Finally, when it appears all the remaining people of Jecheon have successfully escaped – and, miraculously, none of them have been bitten – they hop over the wall and into the magistrate’s court. As Lee Chang’s feet hit the sand, his knees buckle, and he almost plants face-first into the ground.

A hand on his elbow stays him, and he returns to his feet with muttered thanks. Yeong-shin stays close to him, the tendrils of his hair escaping from his messy topknot, and his clothes flecked with fresh gore. Lee Chang knows he himself looks no better.

The gates buckle under the weight of the monsters as they attempt to break their way in.

“The gates!” a man shouts, and Lee Chang looks over at him. He bears the insignia of the captain of the guard. “We must hold the gates!” Lee Chang follows him as he sprints forward, along with many of the guards, and they brace themselves against the carts and furnitures and various other heavy items stacked against the gates.

“Oh, woe!” shrieks the governor of Jecheon faintly from somewhere behind them. “Jecheon is finished!”

“Jecheon is far from finished,” Lee Chang hisses, from between gritted teeth. “As long as there is still one man upright – one child alive – one home still standing – the spirit of Jecheon will never die. And neither will we, if we keep hope still in our hearts. Keep pushing!”

The barrier creaks and moans, and Lee Chang feels his body being pushed back. His every muscle screams at him in protest, and he feels his arms and legs begin to shake violently – yet still, he pushes on. The desperate cries of men and women and children alike echo around him, and the grunts of the soldiers frenziedly pushing alongside him, spur him on.

He feels a shoulder shove up against his, steadying him; a calm and stable presence. Yeong-shin stares determinedly forward, his palms braced against one of the carts, and his body as unmoving as a mountain. The strong lines of his profile are set aglow by the rising sun.

“We are saved!” one of the men shrieks. “The sun – it is rising!”

Cheers erupt from the company, as light streams into the city – cheers that are echoed by the people outside the compound. A smile is torn from Lee Chang, and he drops his head, feeling his heart burn with relief.

But the weight against the gates does not falter. And slowly, he begins to realise that there is something very wrong.

“The plant grows only in the coldest of valleys, and holds the key to undying life.”

The murmur comes from behind him, and it is in Seo-bi’s voice. As Lee Chang watches her, she turns her face to the sun, and the expression that forms there is one of utter terror.

“It was not the sun they feared,” she whispers, aghast. “It was the heat.”

At that moment, the gate gives an alarming creak, and there is a loud crash as one of the monsters’ heads bashes through the wood. It snarls and froths, its fangs an inch from Lee Chang’s face, and he freezes.

“This is untenable,” he hisses. “Without the sun to drive them away, we cannot hold out waiting for a false hope. We cannot hold the gate forever.”

“Then what else can we do,” Mu-yeong huffs next to him. “There is nothing else we can do!” And it is the panic in Mu-yeong’s voice – steady, fearless, brave Mu-yeong – which causes Lee Chang, truly, to fear.

“I regret not saying goodbye to my wife,” Mu-yeong says, and his voice breaks on the last word. “I told her I would not bid her goodbye, for I would soon be back – and I regret not being able to hold my son.”

“You will hold him in your arms yet,” Lee Chang cries. “I give you my word – you will see your son when we return to Hanyang. Do not lose hope, Mu-yeong – we will live through this!” Frantically, he tosses his head about, searching for a way to lead them through this madness. The unearthly groans and grunts of the monsters fill the air, and the cloying scent of rotting flesh rouses his gorge, but still he presses on. How can he not, when the lives of so many depend on him?

“Your Highness!” Seo-bi calls, and suddenly she is by his side, a torch in her hands. Their eyes spark with the light of the same idea, at the same time.

“Hold the fort,” he murmurs to Yeong-shin, “and keep Mu-yeong sane.” Yeong-shin answers with a grim nod.

“Magistrate Han!” Lee Chang bellows, as he turns from the barricade back to the cowering officials hiding behind him. The man in question shoots up like a frightened rabbit. Lee Chang looks with disgust at the tear tracks running down his face, and the snot that has smeared his expensive robes.

“Bring out your gunpowder and alcohol,” he commands sternly, and the governor blinks owlishly up at him, his mouth open.

“Now!” Lee Chang roars, and the man’s entire body shudders violently.

“Yes, Your Highness!” he squeaks, and looks desperately at the nobles gathered round him. “Well, what are you waiting for!” he shrieks. “Stand up, you lazy fools! Follow me!”

It takes them far too long to retrieve gunpowder and alcohol from their stores, and by the time they have heaved the barrels out, the barricade is creaking and groaning in protest. The men are kept busy slicing off various heads which have popped through gaps in the barrier, and stuffing the bodies back to plug the holes, but there are simply too many of them.

“Your Highness,” says the captain of the guard, with a quick bow. Lee Chang turns to look at him. “We must distract the monsters, for you to carry out your plan.”

“They are attracted to blood,” Lee Chang replies calmly. “The scent of blood will draw them off.”

The man’s mouth twists, and he nods shortly. He gathers some of the guards, and they ascend unsteadily to the top of the walls, over to the right. In tandem, they lift their blades and slice deep cuts into their arms. The blood drips steadily down onto the ground, and the monsters are driven into a frenzy. They congregate at the area of the wall stained with blood, tumbling over one another and gnashing their teeth at the men out of their reach.

Lee Chang grasps hold of the ladder on the other side of the wall, and readies himself to jump over. A soldier stands beside him at the ready, with a barrel of gunpowder.

As he is about to leap onto the ladder, a hand takes hold of him, and yanks him away.

“Are you mad???” Yeong-shin thunders, his eyes full of rage, and his nails cut into the skin of Lee Chang’s wrist.

“Someone must encircle them, so we may set them on fire,” Lee Chang says coldly, “and I would not ask any of these men to do something that I myself would not dare.”

“You are mad,” Yeong-shin says, in disbelief. “You are the Crown Prince – you must not die!”

“I do not deserve to live, more than any other man here!” Lee Chang roars. “What does my title mean here, when it is a matter of life and death? I will not sacrifice someone else’s life to carry out a plan which may result in death – a plan that I myself have advanced!”

Yeong-shin stares at him, for a moment, his eyes hard. Then Lee Chang stumbles and falls with the force of his movement as he jerks Lee Chang backwards, and bounds onto the ladder himself.

“Mu-yeong, protect him,” he says coolly, “and cover me.” And with that, he is gone. Lee Chang stares in horror up at the ladder.

The soldier tosses the barrel of gunpowder over, and there is a renewed chorus of groans and moans as the monsters become aware of a human on the ground with them. Lee Chang can hear them shifting, shuffling away from the blood on the walls to the right, and making their way towards the left, where Yeong-shin is.

The sound galvanises him into action, and he seizes the bow and arrow from a neighbouring soldier. Mu-yeong is already up on the walls delivering arrow after arrow into the heads of the monsters, and so Lee Chang scrambles hastily up an adjacent ladder. He sees Yeong-shin dragging the barrel, pouring gunpowder in a circle around the monsters, as they grumble in confusion, torn between the fresh blood dripping from the right walls, and the scent of human rushing round them.

One monster decides the latter to be more attractive to him, and makes a headlong rush for Yeong-shin. Lee Chang buries an arrow in its neck before it has a chance to attack, and the distraction buys Yeong-shin enough time to finish pouring the gunpowder, and toss the empty barrel at the monster. It hits the creature in the face, and bowls it backwards. Yeong-shin leaps towards the nearest ladder, and is pulled to safety by the soldiers.

Before Lee Chang even realises what he is doing, he has sprung off his own ladder, and his feet are carrying him towards where Yeong-shin is calmly reloading his rifle.

“Do that again,” Lee Chang hisses, “and I’ll kill you myself.”

“You’re welcome,” Yeong-shin replies, unfazed, and stalks away back to the wall. He aims, and fires, and even without looking, Lee Chang knows his shot would have found its mark. There is the boom of an explosion, and flames spring up and lick the air. A cheer erupts from the men inside the compound, and faintly from the people outside, on the rooftops.

“The alcohol!” Lee Chang calls, grabbing onto one of the barrels himself. “We must feed the flames!”

The soldiers answer his call, and they toss the alcohol over the monsters. It is soju, imported from Japan, high-quality wine with high alcohol content, and so it takes to the flame easily. The sounds the monsters make as they shrivel and burn to death are strangely anticlimactic – almost akin to that of a firework fizzling out in the rain.

And just as this thought comes to him, it does begin to rain. A light drizzle at first, then it comes down in droves. The streets run pale pink, the blood washed away by the rain, and the air turns crisp and clean. There is silence from below the walls as the monsters stir no more. Lee Chang closes his eyes, and the scent of burned flesh leaves his senses.

It is the beginning of a new day, and while the cold rain stings his skin, he is glad to be alive.

“Your lip is bleeding,” Yeong-shin murmurs, and the closeness of his voice startles Lee Chang; he spins around. Yeong-shin is standing behind him, his expression unreadable, but his eyes as intense as ever.

Lee Chang recalls his words, and wipes carelessly at his mouth. His hand comes off stained with red; he looks at it with a sort of detached surprise.

“You must have bitten into it,” Yeong-shin says, quietly, and makes an abortive movement towards him, before retracting his hand, and turning it into a sort of vague gesture.

“Thank you,” Lee Chang says, but he does not move to wipe the rest of the blood off. The wound smarts, but it is a reminder that he can hurt, he can feel pain – a reminder that he is alive. That they are both alive.

“I apologise for touching you, earlier,” Yeong-shin continues, and Lee Chang glances down to where there is a red ring round his wrist. He cannot even recall the pain from Yeong-shin’s grip.

He looks up, and catches Yeong-shin’s face tightening, before the man recalls himself, and his face is a mask once more.

“I did not mean to grip as tightly as I did,” Yeong-shin murmurs. “I apologise for my forwardness.”

“An apology is the last thing I need from you,” Lee Chang replies softly. “You saved my – our lives last night. This morning. A thousand times you have put yourself in harm’s way for me, and it would take me a thousand lives to repay you.”

A dull flush rises in Yeong-shin’s cheeks, and he turns his head away with no reply. Lee Chang looks for Mu-yeong and Seo-bi, and finds them huddled away with the wounded, tending to their injuries. Mu-yeong is nursing a large gash on his arm, but from the lack of haste in his demeanour, it is not from a bite, and so Lee Chang exhales a sign of relief as he realises that it is the sole injury marking either of their bodies.

Lee Chang stalks up to the magistrate, who is sitting in the corner of the court and greedily stuffing his face with mandu.

“You are not the first to bar your door to me, in the face of the monsters,” he says, and the man shrieks in surprise and cowers, the mandu falling to the ground and staining his pristine white shoes. Lee Chang looks at the blood staining the soles of his own, and Mu-yeong’s, and those of the guards who had held the barricade along with them.

“And the more I see of you cowardly officials, the more I realise that you will not be the last,” he ends, coldly. “Consider yourself dismissed from your position. I will deal with you when we are finished with the problem of the plague. You,” and he turns to the captain of the guard. “By the divine right invested in me as Crown Prince,” he says, imperiously, “I grant you the position of magistrate of Jecheon. Carry out your role well – and do not make the mistake of falling into the same company as this man.” His knuckles itch to bury themselves into the ex-magistrate’s face, but he clenches his fist, and restrains himself. The worm is not even worth the honour of his discipline.

“Your Highness,” Seo-bi murmurs from behind him, and she bows as he turns. “I have something urgent to tell you.”

“What is it?” he asks softly, taking her arm and guiding her away from the magistrate, who is now curling up into a fetal position and sobbing hysterically into the ground.

Seo-bi hesitates, then says, haltingly, “I saw Physician Lee Seung-hui earlier – he was hurrying out from one of the huts near the herbalist, and he left on horseback. I wanted to call out to him, but I was caught up in the confusion – night fell, then – and I didn’t manage to follow him. But how – Your Highness, do you know - ”

“I do not,” Lee Chang says, truthfully, “but he must be connected to the spread of the plague. It is too much of a coincidence that one of the few men who knows about the workings of the resurrection plant, was here when the disease was first spread. You must bring me to the hut from which he exited.”

“He – no, he couldn’t be connected to his matter,” Seo-bi says, the bewilderment clear in her voice. “He was an honest, selfless man – no, it is impossible for him to be the one behind the plague!”

“Dishonest, selfish acts may be committed by honest, selfless men,” Lee Chang says quietly, “for reasons they themselves deem honest and selfless. But I do not know enough on the matter, yet. We must hurry to this hut you speak of.”

Yeong-shin and Mu-yeong join them as they stride from the courtyard and head into the city. All around them, the sparse survivors descend from the rooftops, one-by-one. There are far too few of them left, and it is a bitter pill to swallow.

“This is the hospital the herbalist spoke of,” Yeong-shin says, as Seo-bi stops in front of a house with the roof partially-caved in. Half of the word ‘hospital’ can still be seen in the wooden sign hanging lopsidedly off the rafters.

“We were here just earlier, yesterday afternoon,” Lee Chang says, the realisation startling him. “I tripped over an old man in a straw hat. He was buying crockery at one of the stalls here. Could it have been - ” He looks at Seo-bi for confirmation, and she nods, her face grim.

Mu-yeong takes the lead, and walks cautiously into the house, sword unsheathed. It is empty and messy, and pallets are strewn over the ground, stained with blood. There is no one in the room.

They search the hut for traces of Lee Seung-hui, but there are none, other than a few bandages and medical supplies next to the pallets which have been knocked over.

“These are sanjoin, the seeds of wild jujubes.” She holds the reddish-brown pellets up to the light. “They are used to induce sleep, and cure insomnia. They are commonly found in any clinic – they tell us nothing.”

“Then this is another dead end,” Mu-yeong says, in despair. “What other leads do we have? It will be impossible to track down this person who is spreading the plague! We have no proof he is Physician Lee, and furthermore, he seems to always be one step ahead of us.”

“Not so,” Yeong-shin says suddenly. “The gates are staffed all hours of the day, and furthermore, they were barred yesterday after Your Highness ordered the guards mobilised. Both entry and exit was forbidden. If we check with the guards, we will know who entered and exited before the gates were closed.”

“And to spread the plague to so many cities in so short a time requires great expenditure of effort,” continues Lee Chang, looking at Yeong-shin. Yeong-shin answers with a short nod. “If it is indeed Physician Lee, he is an old man, and would not be able to ride as hard and as fast to the next city by now.”

“Then we must hurry!” Mu-yeong exclaims, and they rush out of the house. Seo-bi hurries after them.

“Your Highness!” she says, desperately. Lee Chang stops and turns to look at her. She wrings her hands anxiously, and her eyes are frantic. “My master would never do such a thing. He is selfless, and he would never willingly do anything to harm a hair on anyone’s head. He must – he must be searching for a cure. I am quite sure that he is not the kind of man to perpetrate such heinous crimes.”

“Even so,” Lee Chang says quietly, “He knows something about these incidents, and we must find him. You are right – it is too early to assume that he is the perpetrator, but still, we must find out what he knows.”

Seo-bi nods, her mouth twisting unhappily, but she accepts, and they catch up to the rest of the group.

They hear what they need to hear from the guards at the gate. An old man had indeed left right before the order had come in to shut the gates, and one of the guards remembered him quite well – he had been riding a grey horse which had looked worn and tired, and he himself had been hunched over as if in great fatigue. The guard had stopped him and asked after his health, but the man had assured him that he was alright, and had left in the direction of Wonju.

“We can still catch him,” Mu-yeong says excitedly. Lee Chang looks over at Yeong-shin. “You can track him?” he asks, and the tiger hunter nods in assent.

Before they leave, Lee Chang sends one last order to the new magistrate of Jecheon – to burn every single last body, and cut off their heads, then to bury them far away from any farm or water source to prevent contamination. Then they ride out immediately, following tracks that Yeong-shin finds.

It is not long before they track the horse’s hoofprints to the nearby forest. While it is merely the first day of winter, the snowfall is still deep, and the snow crunches under their feet. There is a small hut in the woods, dilapidated and rotting, but still sturdy.

“He must be in there,” Yeong-shin murmurs. “There is smoke from the chimney, and the tracks lead directly to its door.”

Lee Chang nods in acknowledgement, and they alight from their horses. Carefully, they make their way up to the front door, and Lee Chang knocks.

There is a hurried scrambling from inside, and the sound of bottles being knocked over. Not hearing any other sound, Lee Chang knocks again.

“Physician Lee,” he calls. “We must speak to you.”

There is no answer, and Mu-yeong sighs. Lee Chang steps aside, and Mu-yeong shoves his shoulder roughly against the door. It gives way, the wood creaking and shattering in protest, and Mu-yeong strides in, sword extended before him.

There is an old man crouching on the ground, arms wrapped around his knees and his body rocking back and forth. Mu-yeong sheathes his sword.

“Physician Lee,” Lee Chang says quietly. “Lee Seung-hui?”

The man lifts his face, and it is a haggard, emaciated one, the flesh worn off his bones, dark blotches under his eyes. It was a face that would seem as horrific as one of the monsters, were it not for the clarity in his pupils and the paleness of his skin. And yet his expression is placid, almost calm.

“I knew you would come,” he whispers, and his voice creaks and scrapes like worn wood. “I cannot bear this any longer. Oh, the things I have done…”

“Master,” Seo-bi says quietly, coming up behind Lee Chang, and at the sound of her voice and the sight of her face, the man’s tepid eyes widen, and his pupils dilate.

“Master,” Seo-bi says again, and she approaches him carefully, as one would a wild animal in a trap. She kneels down by him, and places a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“You know what has been happening with the monsters – who has been spreading the plague, or, at least, wherein the cure lies,” she murmurs. “Please, tell us. Many lives have been taken, and many more lives will be taken still, if you do not tell us what you know.”

Under Seo-bi’s hand, a subtle tremor arises in his limbs, and spreads through his limbs. His head drops, and the untidy strands of his hair fall forward to cover his face.

“I did it,” he whispers, and the admission echoes loudly in the silence of the room.

To her credit, Seo-bi does not flinch or show any reaction to his words, other than the pinching of her brows, and her hand stays gentle and steady on the physician’s shoulder.

“Why did you do it, Master?” she asks, and her voice has gone high and thin from her shock and bewilderment. “You swore an oath to protect and preserve human life. Why would you – to spread the plague – how - ”

“I – I had no choice,” he says quietly. “I was forced into this. I was given no other option.”

“Forced into this by who?” Lee Chang asks, his voice hard. Physician Lee slowly lifts his head, and they lock gazes. His eyes are haunted and full of shadows.

“I – I cannot say,” he replies haltingly, but the tone of his voice gives no doubt that he will remain firm on the matter.

Lee Chang exhales explosively. “Then what is the cure?” he says, and this time he can no longer hold himself back. His voice trembles from the strength of his fury. “Do you know how many hundreds have died from the plague – by your hand, for it was your hand that sowed the seed! Do you know how many bodies lie dead in Dongnae and Jecheon as a result of your actions?! What of the promise you made, the oath your swore, to the people under your care?”

Physician Lee’s mouth twists agonisingly, but still he makes no response, and can only shake his head mutely. Seo-bi jerks her hand back from his shoulder and stumbles to her feet. She looks down on him, and while her mouth forms no words, the anger and disappointment are plain on her face.

“Fine,” Lee Chang says, softly. “Fine. We will bring you back to the capital, and we will see if the Royal Commandery cannot extract some answers from you. Mu-yeong, restrain him.” Mu-yeong nods, and moves forward with rope to tie him up. Physician Lee does not make any move to resist, his body lying limpid in Mu-yeong’s arms, and his eyes empty and resigned.

“We ride back to Hanyang via the fastest route,” Lee Chang orders, striding out of the hut. “We will not stop at Wonju, since we have the man we need. We must reach the capital as soon as possible.”

***

The journey will take them two days. They ride as hard and fast as they dare to, on their weary steeds, and make camp in a secluded clearing. Mu-yeong brings back two pheasants for dinner, for they are running low on supplies, and Yeong-shin tends to the horses’ feet and pelts. The poor beasts stand with their heads drooped and ears down in their exhaustion.

After dinner, Yeong-shin takes first watch, as usual, and the others make themselves as comfortable as possible in their pallets. Lee Chang tosses and turns. Every sound is as poison to his ears, and keeps sleep far from his reach.

After a while, he can bear it no longer, and he sits up, careful not to make too much noise. He looks around. Even Mu-yeong, ever-alert, has succumbed to his fatigue, and is snoring with gentle snuffles into his arm. Seo-bi lies placidly in her pallet, while Physician Lee is curled up into a ball on his side, eyeballs twitching and fingers clutching at nothing, in his slumber. Yeong-shin sits by the fire, his back to them, and his silhouette lit up by the flames. He exhales, and mist pours from his mouth like smoke from a roaring bonfire.

Lee Chang shivers. He pulls aside his blanket and steps from his bed. With unsteady feet, he pads towards the fire with soundless footsteps, and settles on a rock next to Yeong-shin. Yeong-shin turns his head slightly at his arrival, but otherwise, he makes no sound of acknowledgement.

Lee Chang is acutely aware that his own face is now no longer masked by his bonnet, for he had taken it off to sleep.

Even now he is unsure of his trust in Yeong-shin – for trust in the man he does, but he does not know if it is warranted, or not. Since his days in the palace – and how long ago they now seem! – he had always been slow to trust, and quick to doubt, for who knew which courtiers or nobles were in the Haewon Cho clan’s pay, and which were not? And although Yeong-shin made for an untrustworthy figure on first glance, their days together had brought a faith in him that was difficult to dispel.

While he recognises the logic of Mu-yeong’s words, and knows that Mu-yeong’s instincts are often to be trusted, he cannot bring himself to believe in those instincts now, not when the four of them have been through so much together already. His trust in all three of his companions feels new, but unshakeable.

To his surprise, he does not need to say anything, for Yeong-shin makes the first move.

“I had a brother, once,” Yeong-shin says, and his voice is hushed. The fire flickers in the wind.

Lee Chang does not say anything; in fact, he knows not what to say.

“He was young and carefree. He wished to accompany me on my hunts, but I could not let him. He was all the family I had.”

“Where is he now?” Lee Chang asks gently.

“He is dead,” Yeong-shin says harshly. His body is strangely still, but his fingers clench tight around the barrel of his musket, which he holds close to his body. “He was killed in the war. He did not fight, and yet he is dead. Many years after his death I sought the man who was responsible, and I found him in Hanyang.” He looks directly at Lee Chang, then.

“You have a suspicion as to who is responsible for this,” he says, directly. “I know who you suspect. And I also know that the man you think to be responsible for this is also the man who killed my brother.”

Lee Chang exhales sharply, and inclines his head. Yeong-shin has so far told no lie, and so he chooses to believe him in this matter.

“I am sorry for your loss,” Lee Chang says, and his voice is very soft. Yeong-shin does not reply, but his grip loosens on his musket, and he turns his head aside.

They exchange no more words, but sit and contemplate the fire, and somehow, Lee Chang feels at peace.

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roominthecastle · 5 years

Note

Ok so since you’re a believer/supporter of Agnes Gate I have this question. Lizzy’s memories were wiped, but how do you explain Red? What does he know/suspect? How do you explain his behavior? Where does he stand in all this? Hope you got my point because I’m sick and I’ve lost my ability to think clearly and transform thoughts into words 🤒😂

*cracks knuckles*

Yes, you’re coming across clearly, anon, these are all valid points/questions, and I hope you’re feeling better.

Now “believer” is a strong word but I do believe there’s enough wiggle room in current show canon to accommodate this theory. In other words (bc I really don’t want anyone to misunderstand me here): there’s still enough story space for this idea to emerge but there is no direct, overt proof that it is there or that it will.

So consider what follows NOT a proof post but a simple, albeit long AF - thought experiment that presupposes two things:

Liz and Red slept together while on the run (canonically that’s the period when Agnes was conceived)

Liz’s memory of this has been either altered or removed by Dr. Krilov

Now, behavior was, in fact, the one thing that initially put me off this theory bc I didn’t think Red would be willing to just step aside if he suspected he might be the baby’s father. BUT the following seasons revealed a couple of good reasons why he would not speak up (Kirk and the never-ending list of other hostiles, Liz’s “I hate your guts” phase, Liz clinging to Tom, Liz’s selective memory - courtesy of Krilov, fake-DG & the issue of the suitcase, an illness).

They also continued to show just how apt both Red and Liz are to not deal with stuff that’s not an immediate threat (e.g. Liz’s ‘I love you’ which they both willingly continue to just not address), and the thing is: despite not contesting paternity in any overt way, Red never actually stepped aside.

I think this paternity issue and its various complications - from Red’s perspective - can be separated into 4 major time blocks:

S3B

S5A

S5B–present

Even if there’s a reason for Red to think he might be Agnes’ father, I don’t believe he works off anything more than mild suspicions in the S3B–S5A period.

During this time, his relationship with Liz is rapidly unraveling and several other roadblocks and threats emerge that likely discourage him from openly broaching this issue. Then he gets to raise Agnes for 10 months, which provides the perfect opportunity to safely run a paternity test and maybe even another genetic screening (they made a point of telling us that baby Agnes was getting a standard one back in S3 + it was emphasized how having the correct info about her parents’ medical history is crucial for accurate testing - info Tom couldn’t provide). The beginning of Red’s collaboration with Dr. Stark roughly dates back to the time period when he had Agnes with him. If Red has a hereditary (late-onset) illness, he could have been driven to seek a cure once the tests confirmed his suspicions, and he’s now testing it on himself to make sure it works and is safe before giving it to Agnes.

IF.

– more on all this behind the cut – (apologies, mobile users)

- [ S3B ] -

Confirmation of the pregnancy is a wedge between Liz and Red, and it’s Red who screws up first when he rejects the baby right off the bat and tries to bury himself in work. It understandably hurts Liz and the tense tone of their interactions begins to snowball. The main issue concerning Red’s behavior in S3B, right after Liz tells him that she’s pregnant and he bounces back from his initial rejection, is that he becomes “suffocating” and more committed than ever to keep her and the baby in his orbit (which also alarms and later sets off Mr. Kaplan). Red has little sense of boundary, he starts isolating Liz, and he barely tolerates Tom’s presence. When he makes an effort to tolerate him, that’s bc he is trying his best to respect Liz’s choices/wishes (just like in “Ruin”) regardless of his own feelings, but it doesn’t prevent him from repeatedly trying to push Tom out of the picture. He saves him from going to prison but he still has a hard time dealing with Liz having a close relationship with him. This also echoes his original plans for Tom: being there for her but also keeping his distance. This, in turn, echoes his original “invisible benefactor” role he cast himself in (and both of them clearly crossed these lines as the years went by – more on this later).

Despite telling her that he’s known about the pregnancy for some time, Red does not act out until after Liz doesn’t deny that Tom is the father. Red knew about the pregnancy already, he had weeks to vent and get used to the idea, so his spiraling is kind of puzzling unless it’s not the pregnancy itself that sets him off. The only thing he wasn’t sure about was paternity (why?), so the only emotionally logical reason for his weird spiral is that part of him was still hoping that the baby was not Tom’s (tho, in theory, nobody else was in proximity other than the two of them + a more closer look at the timeline reveals that Tom was, in fact, nowhere near Liz when the baby was conceived).

But when Liz didn’t deny it, that’s when it became too much for Red: he didn’t want to have a child (for several reasons) but what he wanted even less was Tom to be confirmed as the father. Then his entire outlook on this subject changes by the end of the episode (after reminding himself how Katarina, too, dreaded having a baby but changed her mind completely). This also brings that Samar/Aram conversation to mind where she tells Aram how being around him changed her attitude towards having children, but now she cannot raise one bc of her condition.

But back to 312 and the “I’m pregnant” moment:

This whole conversation is just weird. Red is tense from the moment he sees Liz at the Post Office, then feeds her the answer to his own question, presenting it as a statement: “I assume Tom is the father.” Why not just give her the opportunity to name him? What this feels like is him giving her an out instead, and his closed-off, prickly, I-am-being-very-inconvenienced-by-this behavior (and Tom’s enthusiasm) is practically willing Liz to take it. And she hesitates for a moment, then instead of saying “yes” she just says, “I haven’t told him yet.” And this is where Red’s barely civil behavior veers into total assholery rejection, then he does a 180 at the end of the episode. By then Liz is sufficiently pissed off and is already pushing him away and sliding back into Tom’s arms. So in many ways ep 312 is where things truly turn and then get worse, and it all happens over Tom, essentially.

After this fallout, we get the episode where Red is thinking back to Josephine who was maneuvered into marrying an abusive scumbag for strategic reasons (as usual, we have parallels too). It was all arranged by a third party, which reminds me of Mr. Kaplan referring to Tom as her “confidant”, which makes me wonder about the extent of their off-screen interaction. Mr. Kaplan was doing everything to tear Red and Liz apart bc she saw that bond as fatal to both and a danger to the baby. Maybe she arranged that 2nd session w/ Krilov (who might have planted images that switched Red and Tom like he did w/ the fire memory where the roles were switched around), then she tipped Tom off, urging him to rekindle his relationship w/ Liz (his proposal was so out of the blue, I still don’t know what to do w/ that).

When Liz wants to give up the baby for adoption, she is told that she has to discuss this with the father, too, as his consent is also needed. Liz says the father is busy with work, then she has 0 conversation about this w/ Tom and goes to Red who, now being very pro having the baby, tries to talk her out of it. He also sabotages Tom’s teacher job and, at the same time, swoops in and presents Liz with a trust fund he set up for the baby, insisting that it’s for the child. As far as symbolic actions go, this one is screaming “I am the provider, not him”. And if it’s not clear enough, he also spells it out by telling her Tom’s not worthy of being her husband and of raising the baby. But it’s too late. Liz rejects him and clings to Tom. She even re-watches the video of Tom being interviewed as a potential adoptive father, which we saw in S1. Liz has been show to chat with potential adoptive parents, so her watching Tom’s adoption agency interview kinda makes it look like she picks Tom to “adopt” Agnes.

S3B is the time period when the threat from Kirk starts emerging. Mr. Kaplan also begins to view Red and Liz’s bond as sth to sever and Red himself as a threat to Agnes, saying that the baby hasn’t even been born yet but is “already paying the price for her association” with him. Then Liz kicks Red out when he asks to see the newborn baby, and soon after Liz’s “death”, Tom tells him that Agnes would only need protection if Red remained in her life. The three of them manage to gaslight Red to such an extent that he completely breaks down. He begins to contemplate ending it all and wanders around, cataloging the reasons.

And that episode-long contemplation is where we get to see (his version of) Katarina in this exact position, her pain at losing the man she loved at a time when there was so much anger and tension btw them, at not being able to raise her daughter, and all her reasoning for committing suicide (all paralleling Red’s). We can also glimpse Red’s innermost thoughts/feelings regarding Liz, Agnes, and Tom. He says “her mother is dead. All she has is the father.” Somehow he cannot bring himself to call Tom “her father” and this is reflected in future real-life interactions w/ Tom as well, when he switches between calling Agnes “Elizabeth’s child” and “your daughter” in his presence. Liz similarly switches btw calling Agnes “my” and “our” around Tom, and initially she refuses to refer to Agnes as anything but “my baby” even after Tom corrects her. It’s almost like both she and Red need some time to adjust. She does. Red? not so much.

Dom further adds to Red’s crushing guilt by reminding him how his choices doomed Liz like they doomed Katarina before. But then he also reminds him that he still has a reason to live as there are others out there who depend on him (“God help them.” - I LOVE Dom). So Red returns to make sure Agnes is safe and to exact vengeance for Liz’s death, two goals which are tied in his mind as he claims that the only way to protect Agnes is by killing Kirk who’s responsible for Liz’s death. He makes a deal with Tom: he lets him participate in the hunt in exchange for being allowed to spend time with Agnes. Again, this whole exchange has a vibe of negotiating visitation rights.

And Red’s interactions w/ Scottie give us a feel for why he will not argue much in the future when Liz decides to pick her to look after Agnes: Red calls Scottie “a brilliant strategist” who - despite Red’s visceral dislike of her - is a suitable “guard” as long as she believes Agnes to be her granddaughter. So not giving any reason to undermine that belief is in the little girl’s best interest (for now).

- [ S4 ] -

This is a period dedicatedto the overarching theme of “truth vs. appearances”, and we have afew interesting ideas and info snippets introduced that can help furtherexplain Red’s behavior if (he suspects that) Agnes is his.

First of all, we meet Kirkand gain some insight into the relationship dynamics of the past - dynamicswhich reflect those in the present.

Mirroring is a curiousfeature that’s utilized right at the beginning, in 401. It’s briefly touchedupon (here) but what makes the Red-Kirk-Liz scene especially interesting isthat the mirroring btw this exchange and the Red-Tom-Agnes one in “CapeMay” is not merely visual but also verbal, giving some weight to thesuspicion that they are linked by design. In both scenes we have the“designated dad” in a room with his daughter while the real father(Red is not Liz’s father but in 401 he “stands in” for real Reddington) is separated and looking in from the outside. On top of that, the dialogues are verysimilar, too:

Red (401): Are you okay? || Red (319): She’ll need protection.Kirk (401): Unlike you, I’d never hurt my own daughter. || Tom (319): Only ifyou are in her life.

And to push it even further,Kirk’s words (“What I desire is to raise my child. To watch hergrow.”) reflect Red’s innermost wish he voices in 319: “ I’d giveanything to be a part of that child’s life […] see her, hold her, watch hergrow.” And this also echoes Liz’s fantasy she shares with Red when theyare on the run. And Red’s retort to Kirk in 401 (“She was never yours toraise.”) also matches Red’s dance around the issue of Agnes’ paternity in319 where he refuses to directly call Tom her father, paralleling Katarina’s pain that she feels due to being separated from her daughter.

So I think what we can statewith certainty here is that there is confusion around paternity inboth scenes.

As the season unfolds, we dolearn that Kirk was a “cover dad”, designated as such by Katarina formultiple reasons (that happen to match Liz’s reasons for wanting to“escape” Red in S3 and be with Tom instead):

best chance at a normal life: Kirk did not work as an agent or any kind ofoperative, he had a (relatively) stable life in Russia. Katarina wasmarried to him and they lived together until real Reddington, believing Mashato be his daughter, took their daughter back to the US.

safety: asRed put it, “Your safety was guaranteed because Kirk believed you to behis daughter.” This belief was cemented in by a fake DNA report andentries in Katarina’s journal where she writes about their relief that Mashawon’t be exposed to the genetic illness that plagues Kirk’s family as it canonly be inherited by sons.

“no other path”: despite loving Reddington, Katarina accepted that she was never gonna endup with him. The circumstances were forever against them. This is why she began distancing herself from him and this is why she didn’t want to know ifhe was Masha’s father.

If Katarina had written apro/con list for her baby, I bet it would have looked a lot like the one Liz wrote, exceptit would have said “Kirk????” instead of “Tom????” But, as Redtold Liz, being Katarina’s husband didn’t make Kirk her father, which is apotentially relevant observation given how Liz kept trying to marry Tom at allcosts to force a “normal family” into existence that was never more than anillusion + how she was trying to distance herself from Red.

Those three main reasons abovealso provided the motivation for a cover-up that Kirk refused to acceptas the truth until multiple tests confirmed it when he fell ill and needed agenetic donation from a blood relative. As Red pointed out, “You saw whatKatarina wanted you to see.” This also echoes Mr. Kaplan’s words to Red atthe end of S3: “You saw what we needed you to see.” which might godeeper than “merely” faking Liz’s death and could be a hint at Kaplan’srole in arranging the 2nd memory manip session with Krilov.

In this season, Red alsostruggles with appearance vs. truth, with the cost/benefit ratio of deceptionsand false assumptions. This happens indirectly when he “auditions” hisnew cleaners in a pristine white apartment where one of his friends wasmurdered. He is both upset and marvels at how clean everything looks –“your cleaners removed even the memory of his blood”.

This practicality takes on asymbolic meaning as it carries over into Red’s relationship with Mr. Kaplanwhom he calls his confessor: “every trespass I committed, expunged.Cleansed as if it never happened.” Mr. Kaplan claims that Red betrayed Lizand held her “emotionally hostage”. These are rather extreme accusations… unless Red and Liz slept together while on the run and Redconfessed this to Mr. Kaplan. Now that act could be easily and understandablyconsidered trespassing by her, a crossing of a line that never should have beencrossed (= a betrayal). Red felt rage when he learned that Tom had become intimate with Liz. He considered this a betrayal, too, and Tom an immediate threat. He went about correcting the situation the same way Mr. Kaplan goes about correcting Red’s behavior in S3B-S4. Perhaps the trigger was the same type of trespassing too.

Mr. Kaplan makes it her mission to separate Liz and Red,and it all begins back in S3, around the time somebody hired Dr. Krilov to takecertain memories from Liz. Red is very close to directly confessing his feelings for Liz in 302. If he ended up confessing that he’s in love with her and they ended up in bed, that can be considered “a truth” about him that Liz uncovered – a truth that someone who doesn’t want them to be together would definitely object to.

Mr. Kaplan urges Liz to “do what yourmother never had the courage to do: walk away from Raymond.” IF Red and Liz slepttogether and Agnes was the result, then Dr. Krilov’s 2nd memory manipulationdid what Red’s cleaner(s) did in the white apartment: the “trespass” got “expunged”. Even the memory of it.Truth became elusive and assumptions took its place (like “I assume Tom is thefather.”).

Red is trying to complete a white puzzle in the white apartment,which takes on potential relevance after we can hear him compare memory toa jigsaw puzzle in 514. The possible relevance? Maybe he’s wondering (puzzled, if you will ;) why Lizacts as if nothing happened between them on the run, as if her memory of it were wiped clean. And while it is undoubtedly simpler and safer thisway, and it’s best to leave that topic alone, it is hard for him to accept, esp with Tomin the picture and taking on roles Red wishes to be able to fill, roles Liz now rejects him in.

In this episode we can also hear Gale make a pointed, suggestive remarkto Liz about her time with Red in S3A: “What was it like on the run withhim? Did he charm you?” And all this happens while Mr. Kaplan is hell-benton tearing Red and Liz apart for the sake of all of their safety, claiming thatRed’s presence in their lives is a threat to Agnes, Liz, and also to himself.

Memory manipulation - or the presence of holes in one’s memory - has itsown “footprint” in the show. It usually manifests as images drifting outof focus and echoing voices. There are two instances where this happens to Liz with no apparent reason. One is in 308 when she is in a gas stationbathroom - already pregnant - staring at her reflection in the dirty mirror. The other is in 317when Red marches towards her in the church, calling out her name and interrupting her and Tom’s wedding -both are situations where her baby’s father and her husband are likely on her mind. In317 she even connects the two by saying she wants to build a life with thefather of her child and Red keeps pleading with her to not marry Tom.

We are periodically reminded that Red is a Proust fan, and Proustjust happens to be the author of À la recherche du temps perdu (In Search of Lost Time) - a monumentalexploration of the various connections that web reality, perception, and memorytogether. The concept of involuntary memory originates from this novel series,and we can see this in action on The Blacklist, too, when Liz’sburied memory of the night of the fire gets triggered in 222. It’s also possible that she was close to being triggered in those twoscenes mentioned above, and maybe she won’t even need Krilov’s help in regaining the memories she’s lost the 2nd time as they could also be triggered unexpectedly by the smallest, most random thing - a smell, a taste, a voice, a gesture.

The white apartment incidentalso coincides with Liz, Agnes, and Tom moving to a new apartment. Redhas a hard time adjusting to this change, to no longer being able to see Agneswhenever he wants (and he was visiting her regularly while they were in his safe house, always showing up w/ the request to see her in particular), which brings the downside of deception into focus: separation. And Redstruggles with this despite understanding the safety that lies in it and inhiding truths - something Katarina knew a lot about, as well.

It’s not surprising that he soon starts musingabout the importance of truth (in 412):

“You said something before. The truth doesn’t matter, that the only thing in this world that matters is just the appearance of truth. I fear you might be right about that. Lately I find that the truth has become… so elusive. Often imaginary. But in the end, it’s all that we’re left with, isn’t it? What is real, what you can taste and touch and feel. The words that pass between us as we look each other in the eye are… all we have to hold on to. The truth. I hold it dear.”

then he proceeds to make a cuckoo clock forAgnes in the following episode (x, x). His first remark on how he is no longercomfortable with the idea of dying at any second also pops up in 412, and itgets reaffirmed in 415, in the same episode where the bad guy of the weekexpresses the same sentiment: his reason for clinging to his miserable life is fatherhood andhe wants a family even if he is barred from being physically present in their lives.

Red faces this issue, too. Tom remains Agnes’ (designated)dad and Liz’s husband while he is now kept away. He stillkeeps prodding that family unit, though, keeps teasing Tom about his pastand keeps involving him in missions to strip away his thin veneer of “normaland safe” to prove to Liz that she is mistaken about him. (sidenote: Tom also“takes over” the sentiment of Liz - and Agnes - being his future; thisis Red’s “thing”, has been since S1)

Meanwhile, Red keepsflip-flopping between accepting Mr. Kaplan’s accusations and rejecting them (“Maybe I am the person you need protection from.” vs “She was wrong to think Elizabeth and Agnes were safer without me in their lives.”). Hecannot seem to make up his mind as others join the chorus of blaming him forhow badly things turned out.

This is also the seasonwhere Red has an awkward and out-of-the-blue exchange with Cooper about thelatter’s sick daughter (414), and in another ep (404) - one featuring a parentand child sharing the same disorder - Red is asked point blank if he has achild with special needs but he doesn’t answer.

His personal struggle with appearancevs truth, however, is temporarily suspended when Liz blindsides him with the DNA test in 422. Despite his visible discomfort, Reddoesn’t correct Liz’s false assumption because it happens to provide theperfect cover he so desperately needs to find the skeleton Mr. Kaplan unearthed.But this strategic move comes with the price of having to keep his silenceabout Agnes for the foreseeable future. Thanks to Mr. Kaplan’s parting gift andCooper’s (accidental?) “antidote” of running that DNA test and providing cover, Red is now backed into a corner where the only way topreserve his secret is by not challenging appearances.

- [ S5A ] -

this block is nestledbetween two high-impact turning points: the DNA test and Tom’s death. The DNAtest locks Red into a false role, that of Liz’s father, which holds throughoutS5 and to a lesser extent in S6. The only reprieve is the 10-month period duringwhich he gets to take on the role of father in Agnes’ life (=inhabiting thetruth). Liz spends this time unconscious, which I find quite symbolic, as well (her being not conscious of his true role).

The DNA test is both a curseand a blessing. Red undoubtedly enjoys the sudden warming of his relationship with Lizbut he clearly does not enjoy her referring to him as “father”. Everytime it happens, we can see him wince, cringe, or glare in silence. But it happensto be the perfect cover for him to keep searching for the skeleton since it preventsLiz from asking the very questions he doesn’t want her to wonder about.

So Liz confrontinghim with the DNA test closes the window of opportunity Red still had in S3B andS4 to contest paternity. This turn of events also forces him to prioritizepreserving his secret over almost everything else (he is only ready to give it up when he thinks Liz’s life is at stake), so the struggle we can see him having in S4 - the onebtw appearances and the truth - promptly takes a back seat as keeping upappearances becomes the #1 strategic necessity.

That being said, Red still onlydoes the bare minimum (= not denying it outright) to play father to Liz. And this time block brings some interesting remarks about geneticsand secrets, which may have more significance than simply serving as empty redherrings until the impostor reveal hits at the end of the season.

Smokeydrops some comments about being “just like daddy” and having “noway to avoid the family curse” because “DNA is what it is.” Onthe surface this ties into the (beyond grating) tendency of some characters to blame-shiftand refuse to take any responsibility for their shitty life choices. But what makesthis exchange stand out is the wording “family curse” becauseKatarina uses a similar phrase (“this accursed disease that has afflicted his family for generations”) to describe Kirk’s condition.In 506, Tom also remarks to Red that “family secrets” always comeout. And now Red is sick and is in need of a pioneering geneticist’s help to find a cure. Somehow I don’t believe this is all just coincidence. + judging from those (brief) (glimpses) we get at Agnes, she is already a lot like her dad. ;)

Ep 504 in particularhas some curious details because they don’t line up with Red and Liz’s pretendrelationship but they do line up with the idea of Red having “a familycurse” that puts Agnes at risk. In this episode, asoldier gives up her child to get him out of harm’s way, but when the child presentswith an incurable disorder, she takes him from his adoptive parents, thencommits suicide to provide the donor heart needed to save his life. Witnessing this,Red remarks that “given the same circumstances, I’d like to think I’d beas brave as her. I know I’d wanna be.”

And then Tom dies, Liz endsup in a coma, and Red is left to take care of Agnes. If she is his, this 10-month period gives Red the perfect opportunity to finally confirm it and, asI mentioned above, have her tested for whatever disorder he knows he - and thus she too -carries. The timeline is always tricky on this show but by my rough estimateRed invested in Dr. Stark’s gene hacking research around the time he still had Agnes or not long after.

- [ S5B–present ] -

In this period, Red shouldalready have confirmation about paternity, about whether or not Agnes is atrisk, and Dr. Stark is already working on the cure for both. However, theskeleton and all the threats attached are still out there, circling them, and Liz is stillunder the impression that he is her father, which Red cannot push back againstif he is to keep his main secret secret.

We’ve seen how far he is willing to go tokeep his identity hidden, so letting Liz believe he is her father is really notall that out there for this guy. Only life-and-death situations can push him to reveal certain things, so it might be unruly genetics that will end up forcing his hand this time around. If Agnes needs treatment, that’s gonna be tricky to administer w/o somebody eventually noticing.

Red is still in a false role for now but its confines have weakened since he realized that Liz now knows he used to be someoneelse.

WhenLiz decides to go away for a while and entrusts Agnes to Scottie, Red questionsbut eventually goes along with her decision. “It was what youwanted,” he tells her later on. Even locked in his assumed role hecould have dug his heels in and claimed that he had a say in this matter, but he letLiz make the decisions and respected them. It carried way more risk to let her disappear alone than to let Scottie take Agnes, yet Red did not argue and did notrepeat the mistakes he made in S3B when things got so out of hand, Liz began toresent him and he was genuinely worried he was suffocating her. So he did what everybody toldhim to do in S4: he let her - and Agnes - go. And then she came back to him.

But for now, it is best if Agneshas safe distance from both him and Liz. In 520, Red told Jennifer that she was notabandoned but protected. That’s Agnes, too. Red may detest Scottie but he doesacknowledge that she is an excellent strategist with the skills, insight,motivation, and resources to keep the little girl safe. Shebelieves her to be her granddaughter, which - imo - in Red’s book ensures her loyaltyno matter how he feels about her otherwise. And in ep 512, we can see that Redknows exactly where Agnes is and, knowing him, he has his own invisiblemultilayered security web in place, monitoring everyone in Agnes’ life 24/7 and sendingdaily reports to him.

Whenhe and Liz observe Agnes from a distance at the end of the episode, the topic oftruth once again emerges, making it the third time that Agnes and talk of“the truth” co-occur: one is earlier in this episode (“If I misseven one more day with [Agnes] than is absolutely necessarybecause you’re not being completely honest…”)and the other is the cuckoo clock scene in S4. Red tells Liz heknows how hard this separation is and that they want the same thing here, whichechoes his remark in S4 about how they are in lockstep where Agnesis concerned. It also reminds me ofhis stunned reaction when Liz shares her fantasy with him in S3 (“I’mwalking in a park with my husband. Inbetween usis our little girl. I’mholding her hand in mine… and Inever let go.”). They do want the same thing and they are on the same page about Agnes, but everything else is still in disarray. For now, there is safetyin separation and keeping up appearances, even uncomfortable and painful ones.

In 514, Red gives us and Liz areminder when he points out that in the criminal underworld you can neverreveal how important someone is to you without making them an instant target. Theshow continues to provide examples of this specific danger, and the cases thatdirectly touch upon this topic “borrow” elements from Red’s situation: in518, Mosadek’s son is abducted by business associates because they suspect himof being an informant, and in 610, criminals attempt to extort money from a fatherwhose daughter was born premature with a condition to which there was no cureat the time, so the father came up with one.

Ep605 is extra curious because it features the story of a guy who never knew hisfather and only learned about his identity when he was unexpectedly summoned to the readingof his will. Van Ness was fighting an illness, too, and decided to change hiswill to include his only son that nobody even knew about. His last written message to himwas: “I loved your mother but didn’t have the courage to stay withher.” Van Ness’ seat and vote in an international criminal syndicate are also automaticallytransferred to his heir, making him a target for various reasons. It’s also a reminder of what kind of dangerous entanglements thechildren of international criminals have to deal with once their family ties arerevealed. In this episode, we also get a reminder from Aram that “in arelationship, the truth always comes out.” and Dembe continues toplead with Red to be honest with Liz, tell her the truth and leave the rest to fate. Red, however, stubbornly keeps his silence.

Theparallels btw Red/Liz and Samar/Aram also continue in S6, and what Samar tells Aram in 613has potential relevance to deciphering Red’s perspective and reasons for not speaking up about Agnes. Samar says that she made peace with the idea that she was never gonna havechildren (back in S3, she told Liz she picked career over family) but meeting Aram changed everything. After that, she wanted nothingmore than to try and balance the two, to build a family with him. But now that she knows she has anirreversible condition, she cannot raise a child, and she feels he deservesmore than what she can give.

Ifeel all these sentiments also play a role in how Red evaluates the possibilities of hisrelationship with Liz (even if Agnes is not his). His initial reaction to the baby was rejection,remarking that a child would make their difficult work infinitely harder. But then he changed his mind. In 319, he confessed that hewould give anything to be able to raise Agnes but he was also painfully aware of the factors preventing him from realizing this wish.“Your baby deserves more than we can provide,”Mr. Kaplan told Liz right at the moment she decided to separate her from Redfor good. This idea also emerges in 614, when Red notices Liz staring at thephoto of herself with Katarina, and tells her that the photo represented everythingKatarina wanted but couldn’t have after she became a hunted woman. Being a fugitive himself, Red facesthe exact same problem. And now he alsohas an illness to overcome, so him having the same attitude as Samar - i.e. writing himself off as notbeing a suitable match and accepting not being with “the one” - feels right on the mark, imo. Katarina also shared in this heartbreak where realReddington and their daughter were concerned. She, too, had to let go of what she really wanted.

bottom line (bc it’s time to wrap this up): everything that’s happened since Liz confronted Red with the pregnancynews has been discouraging him from “coming out” as Agnes’ father:

initial uncertainty regarding paternity

Liz’s growing resentment towards him that culminated in a faked death

Tom + Liz choosing him over and over again coupled w/ Red starting to accept that Tom somehow makes Liz happy while he only manages to bring pain and hardship into her life

the constant threats and Red’s growing worry that he might indeed be athreat to Agnes and Liz

the unexpected DNA report that was also the perfect cover

Red’s emerging health issues

Liz’s missing memories (without which how would he even begin to explain it or have any hope she will not freak completely or worse?)

But we are in a period now where there is tangible improvement regarding these main issues. Red now knows whether or not he’s Agnes’ father, so that uncertainty is gone. Tom is dead. Liz’s resentment subsided and she knows Red is an imposter yet loves him anyway and told him so. He also knows about Krilov’s 2nd interference that explains some of Liz’s behavior. His illnessis being treated, too. But the risks and threats in their lives still remain. For now they are mitigating this by staying away from Agnes, but if theimprovements hold, hopefully the time will come when this issue of paternity - along with some other questions - can be broughtforth and sorted between the two of them.

#anonymous #tbl spec #long post

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marimopeace · 5 years

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Shigure anon again. The reason why it seemed to me like he only loved Akito because of the dream is because of the words he uses in chapter 111. Why did the author specifically have to harken back to the dream and use that word? Why not just have Shigure simply say "I wish I could've fallen for someone like you" to Tohru, why use the word dream specifically if she was just trying to have Shigure say that he wished he could have fallen in love with someone kinder?

hi again anon!

thankfully for everyone this question requires a lot less rambling to answer:

1. always be aware of what you’re reading

so i can’t actually answer your first question at all tbh bc it’s not up to me to explain the author’s actions (since a reader of any series can only interpret things according to their own opinion) and your question is kind of invalid since the specific words you read were not exactly what the author wrote.

whether you were reading scanlations or the official tokyopop furuba manga, you can’t rely on the words on the page to provide such minute analysis into the story. it’s not the same thing as when you’re consuming in your own native language and can rely on quotes to support persuasive arguments (i.e. seeing captain america say his closing quote to falcon and getting the subtle nuance that sam will be the next cap--yes i’m a nerd i’m sorry this was the fastest example that came to mind lol).

don’t get too hung up on specific words to dig deeper when the piece has been passed through so many channels. this applies to furuba especially since you’ll never quite get the “exact” meaning of everything (you get close enough but it’s not to the point where you can pick apart individual words and sentences like you want) and also since it’s a shoujo series aimed at younger girls. takaya (the author) did create a series that has darker conflicts and psychological themes but i doubt (and this is just a personal opinion) she would rely on tools such as wordplay or double meanings since that’s not shown in her writing style (compared to a series such as monogatari, which is rich in specific references).

2. context is your friend, don’t forget that!

i’m not trying to dictate the “proper” interpretation of shigure’s character or the events of chapter 111 here, since i am just a normal reader who has had no control over the creation of a series that we both enjoy, but i do want to lessen your confusion anon! your other asks made it seem like you weren’t trying to contest my opinion, but that you were curious to hear my thoughts and were confused by my explanation, so i want to help you get the clarification you want, which seems to be primarily focused on shigure in chapter 111 specifically.

similar to how the mechanics (grammar, word choice, quotes) of translated writing should be approached with an open mind, so should plot details.

you seem to be very focused on understanding shigure’s remarks to tohru about tohru/the dream. remember that the words he says in that moment are an expression of his intentions, but not what they’re built off of, his long-term motivations of the whole series have been built on his personality (a driven individual who is cunning and resourceful, read: manipulative), and his personal experiences (his past with akito yada yada yada). a few panels from one page of a single chapter can be used to try to guess what a character’s about, but you need more than that.

in the same chapter you referenced, shigure has a conversation with hatori that ends with a discussion of kindness, and shigure remarks that his scheming has made for a lonely time, and then the scene closes with him pondering something along the lines of “what it would have been like to have dreamed of a kind soul” (compared to the warped akito who the two had been conversing about previously). this is followed by a bunch of other things, and then the up pops the moment you’ve been referring to where shigure says his thing to tohru. this is an example of looking at whole plot details to understand why a scene happens the way it does, rather than relying on a single moment.

and then if there’s ever still confusion about how something should be understood, look at the other details you the reader have been provided by the author to understand their characters.

so in this specific case:

-have there been previous events to tie into shigure’s words at tohru? has he ever expressed romantic interest in previous plot points to warrant that kind of regret? no. but there have been many focused on hatori’s back and forth dance with akito--shigure admitting that part of him “hates” her (i think it’s actually referenced in the chapter you were looking at too), their sex game with kureno and ren, hatori checking in on his childhood friend if akito is really what he wants, etc etc--so maybe we can think of the regret in his words being more aimed at the underlying question: “what would life be like if i [shigure] never desired her”

-as the author has been building up her characters, has she hinted at bits of shigure’s personality that would warrant an interest in tohru? no, we have seen through the characters’ various antics that shigure is naturally the goofy teasing family figure who also has a stoic caring side for kyo, yuki, and tohru. so what do we know about shigure then? i’ll cut out a lot of things but we do know that shigure is the type to brood on his own about his aspirations. he’s had deep convos with his best bud hatori about his feelings and his underhanded means. we’ve also seen his dedicated love (there are many words to describe his feelings but this it the most general one) to akito, and can guess that it would be odd for him to suddenly throw away his long-term goals.

i’m trying to walk you through my own approach on things anon but truthfully your ask this time is more focused on semantics since you can only read so much from a single line of dialogue in these circumstances (takuya doesn’t pull tricks with dialogue and isn’t a complex writer).

again if there’s still any confusion, always feel free to send in an ask!

happy furuba consuming!

#furuba #marimoasks #shigure sohma #tohru honda #akito sohma #natsuki takaya #manga

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rontra · 5 years

Text

ANONYMOUS ASKED:

i really like mwot and was wondering, do you wanna talk/loredump/etc about mwot during this blessed month of pride? (if not that's totally cool!!! i really like the au and am curious about it!)

REPLY:

YES!!!!

umineko spoilers below and LONG POST KSDJDKSKD i really went infodumping......you got me right in an infodumping mood....

also im being very casual in this post so if something is like weird or vague its probably because i got tired of thinking about it and skipped ahead. SKJDSJD

mwot is an umi au and its very gay and very trans because i, a gay trans, decided it was TIME to INDULGE

LIKE A MOUNTAIN WIND FALLING ON OAK TREES also known as MWOT, MW/OT, Mountain Wind + Oak Trees, MW+OT, or literally any combination of its parts, is an eva/natsuhi au, set in a vague modern big city setting

https://rontra.tumblr.com/tagged/mountain-wind-oak-trees

it’s a comedy, mostly? it has elements of backstory transphobia and stuff like that but that’s not really the story i want to tell with it, so i don’t go too deeply into it in the main fic. it’s mostly comedy and Self Care: The Story (once these nerds get around to acknowledging that self care is good, anyway!!!!)

Eva is 20, nb lesbian (though she doesnt know half of it to begin with). generally a bitchard at the beginning but also deeply craving that Validation. Invested in making the fic harder to write due to pronoun shenanigans (shoutout to the lengthy section of intimate emotional scenes that uses no pronouns at all for eva but is narrated by them in 3rd person)

Natsuhi is like 21 i guess because im a sucker for her having like an annoying 1-3 years on eva bc eva would get mad about it. Also she’s trans, gray-ace, hopeless romantic, generally full of “quickly raising your eyebrows and looking away while sipping your drink and thinking Yikes” energy. weaponizes indifference but is no stranger to harder means. she’s a smart cookie

Sayo is also 20, gender clown car living her best life. Presents differently depending on mood and whim

krauss is like 22 or whatever. for housekeeping’s sake, rosa and rudolf are too young to matter (8 and 10, or something like that). dont even worry about it

honestly the weirdest part of the au is eva and sayo being the same age

also this au is the origin point of me & my friends using akikaze as nat’s maiden name. the more you know!

USHIROMIYA GOLD dishes up that yellow metal like you wouldn’t believe. led by kinzo whos so fuckin good at sniffing out that sweet sweet gold people are half convinced the man has psychic powers. Any piece of land he’s got his eyes on, he WILL get his hands on, no matter who owns it right now.

the land kinzo wants At The Moment is owned by the AKIKAZE FAMILY who have been notably on the decline recently. they’re in the economic shithole so this land is basically all they’ve got right now, so when kinzo wants it and it suddenly Has Value, they’re like “oh, shit,

anyway the deal basically shakes out that like, he gets the land and all the gold that may or may not be in it. he offers his eldest son in exchange for this land, to marry their daughter: in the bonds of marriage graciously ensuring a part of the winnings will spill over on them, while keeping them under his control without money coming into the picture.

Everything’s working out great and coming up kinzo. the deal is closed and everyone’s happy (i guess). until ONE DAY, just a few narrow weeks before the akikaze girl is set to move in with the ushiromiyas,

KINZOS

OLDEST

SON

DISAPPEARS

!!!!!

Krauss dislikes being told what to do, and his father’s ideals never lined up with his own. He thinks this entire thing is sort of fucked up and can’t live under his dad’s thumb anymore. That's why, immediately following Kinzo’s agreement with the Akikaze family, Krauss disappears. He’s just kinda left for greener pastures, to unfold his own life and pursue his own interests independent of the Ushiromiya name. He leaves behind a letter explaining it & basically he forfeits both name and inheritance, and Kinzo’s incredible deal is suddenly in jeopardy.....

obviously this is kinzo though, and all of his solutions are like, 20 times more complicated than they have to be? he’s DETERMINED to have this land so he’s like “i need an eldest son. shit rudolf is only like 9. fuck. well okay i have an eldest daughter with a deeply complicated need for validation and success entirely driven by her overall neglect at my hands“ and the rest. as they say. is history (???)

Ushiromiya Eva always saw Krauss as unworthy of the inheritance, and to her, his disappearance confirms this. She grew up always being made to feel inferior to her older brother, usually being ignored in favor of him, and it's bred a complex need for validation in her. Her values and strengths are more like Kinzo’s than her brother’s, and Kinzo recognizes this in the wake of Krauss’ disappearance.

basically he concocts this really wild scheme where eva has to pretend to be his oldest son and marry this girl or whatever so he can seal this stupid gold deal and she’s like “well lol if i get to be family heir” and hes like “yes that’s what im saying” and shes like “awesome let’s do it”

all of the servants are in on it too of course. specifically kinzo enlists SAYO who works there as normal staff and isn’t otherwise tangled into this family’s mess in any way whatsoever. she’s just here to serve tea and looks. anyway he’s like “you work on this with eva--i mean evan, my son, you must have misheard--and eva you have to listen to whatever yasuda says” and eva is like “that last part will not be frustrating for me at all”.

Yasuda as reigning Household Gender Presentation Expert is like “i think i just got orders from the master to bully eva?” and eva is like “i wish i could fire you but my dad just banned me from doing that” and then gradually...over the course of the project......they become....friends.........

(the au is tagged eva & sayo for a reason. they become FRIENDS!!)

mostly its just various combinations of shkanon dunking on eva and its all VERY good.

during all these shenanigans we make some startling realizations like “gender euphoria is a hell of a drug” and stuff, which is extremely harrowing for everyone (note: not for everyone. just for eva, who makes 10,000 realizations every day, and should not have been counted.)

(ok sidenote did anyone else put on their first binder & go like “hmmm. i live here now” because. mood. im projecting entirely into this fic)

Gender Clown Car yasuda (currently as lion) is like “you know there’s like more than 2 genders” and eva’s like “you fucking wehat”.

i also make a REALLY INVOLVED JOKE ABOUT CASTIGLIONI GOLD, THE RIVAL COMPANY, and how BEATRICE’S KID LOOKS A LOT LIKE LION, and EVERYONE thinks this is all VERY funny

(i would like to see it. also kinzo owes beatrice castiglioni $20 and she’s never let him forget it.)

now wrapped up in this stupid impostor scheme AND full of big wild nonbinary energy AND!! WITH AN INFURIATING NEW FRIEND!! IN THE STAFF!!! this one funky ushiromiya is all ready to get in on an arranged marriage or whatever. provided NO ONE EVER FINDS OUT that they’re faking it and replacing the Actual Heir, which would no doubt ruin the scheme AND bring kinzo’s wrath on everybody involved, of course.

AKIKAZE NATSUHI IS READY TO PUNCH HER FIANCE IN THE THROAT IF HE EVEN LOOKS AT HER but she understands what’s happening here. she knows she didn’t have a say in this from the very beginning. that the deal was sealed for her as soon as the name “ushiromiya” was said. she knows her family married her off quick in a bid to get rid of her. if she’s humiliated by this ordeal, she is far too proud to show it. she packs her bags and walks into the mansion with her head held high........and immediately has this exchange with her fiance

and this one

so that’s kind of the energy we’re going for with these two.

(natsuhi’s line in the second cap was going to be removed for being Way Too Intense, but everyone i talked to said it was too hot to cut, so i decided to indulge us all. blame the lesbians)

they IMMEDIATELY don’t get along but they kinda agree to like, mind their business, since neither of them are interested in playing house here. if they can get the wedding to go off without a hitch they can basically go back to never talking to each other again.

natsuhi’s entire angle here is essentially: her family was not that good, and this family likely won’t be better, BUT here she has a chance to build something new for herself. she’ll be out of her parents’ house. She needs this deal to stay for her own sake, but she has to get out ahead of her husband and set up a dynamic that favors her. when she meets evan she essentially gauges the kind of person she’s dealing with and picks her approach accordingly: this is not a soft man, and she has to be hard in turn to avoid being steamrolled.

and its VERY hot

anyway some stuff happens and it eventually they both sorta get each other’s secrets. eva is not the firstborn son and natsuhi is not the card kinzo thought he was pulling from her family’s hand and theyre both toast if word hits the public. directly after the wedding they establish a tense alliance of keeping each others’ secrets....

and then they.....fall...in l

there’s some fun tensions and realizations. eva is like “so im quickly catching on that no praise i ever received from dad was on my own merit and he’s kind of a dirtbag all around and his validation is kind of not worth it” and nat is like “word our parents are chains” & they run kinzo over with the down w cis bus. it’s fine. they get postcards from krauss sometimes. he has a motorbike now.

DID I MENTION THE PRACTICE KISSING

BC THEY HAVE TO PRACTICE! FOR THE!! PUBLIC WEDDING!!!!

and thats mwot i guess. it’s my au where natsuhi’s accent color is red and some other stuff happens too. happy pride month

#mwot #second time's the charm

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xxforsaken-angelxx · 5 years

Text

> Helm Date

context: this timeline has a chat for helmsman ocs in the timeline. one of the ships’ crew made an experimental horror game for helmsmen and passed it around, and hydromatic has refused twice to participate in playing bc theyre apparently just too busy for fun, so @infiniteproxy offered to stream a playthrough

and then they get chatty and bitch about the other helms, but mostly nepeta

infiniteproxy

STARBASE FRONTIER has requested a direct connection.

starshiphydromatic

Direct connection to STARSHIP HYDROMATIC permitted and established.

infiniteproxy

> A video feed with SIRI's game loaded will soon open, idling on the starting menu.

will you prefer textual or audio communication for the duration of the broadcast?

starshiphydromatic

I believe audio communication is generally used for feeds such as these, as long as it does not provide any inconvenience to you.

infiniteproxy

it is of no concern. one moment.

starshiphydromatic

Of course.

infiniteproxy

> There's a brief static crackle as the audio feed initializes. The voice that comes through is clearly synthesized, yet also clearly a decent translation of his natural voice. Though flattened somewhat in tone and occasionally caught with a brief electronic distortion that hangs particularly on vowel sounds, it isn't difficult to imagine how he might sound in person, the disdainful inflection and biting consonants.

"Calibrating vocal parameters... Connection stable. Shall we begin?"

starshiphydromatic

> Mm, dreamy.

> The voice coming back is clearly more synthesized. It doesn't use their natural voice at all, and stays so perfectly neutral and sharply enunciated. They've turned their aesthetic filter down for these purposes, but there's still this odd metal quality to their voice that wouldn't be there otherwise.

"Certainly."

infiniteproxy

> Interesting. Expectedly precise, as they were in all affairs, but even that hint lends a subtle quality beyond that of most run of the mill vocal synthesizers. It seems to suit them.

"I have cleared all previously saved data. I will demonstrate the extent of each branching scenario and their associated choices."

starshiphydromatic

"Do proceed at your leisure, then."

infiniteproxy

"Patching game audio through."

> It isn't a perfect experience, being secondhand, but an attempt is made to render the broadcast of the simulation as immersive as possible. To that end, as he plays through the initial story segment, he does not offer commentary throughout or attempt to speedrun despite having completed it previously, rather allowing the scenario to unfold naturally. It's a psychological horror game, after all, and what was worse than some idiot blabbering over the entire thing without allowing it to sink in?

starshiphydromatic

> The loss of any minor aspects from the secondhand broadcast aren't much of a loss at all to them since, quite frankly, they haven't seen a good piece of media in decades. Their engineer insisted on watching movies with them every once in a while, saying it was good for their mental health, but her tastes were rather...shlocky. Their past self was an artist, they'd never be interested in that garbage even if they allowed themselves to.

> This was already different, and more to their tastes. They watched with silent investment.

infiniteproxy

> Most media meant to be frightening or shocking he found to be terribly dull, whether from an over reliance on cheap scares, or a blatant lack of imagination. And truly, who could better craft an experience that actually resonates with someone whose life was already a study in existential horror than another helm? He finds it more intriguing than truly disturbing, the questions it poses, the creeping threat of corruption and total loss of self, but there's a definite appreciation nonetheless. It does its job well, as he demonstrates for them each ending in turn, briefly remarking in between on the various differences.

starshiphydromatic

> It was certainly a concept that Hydromatic could understand the appeal of. They'd denied themselves emotion for too long to be that disturbed by it, but someone with so much restraint would of course see why the themes were unsettling.

> They gave their own quips in turn, and asked small questions about this or that feature, but mostly just watched and tried to allow themselves to be absorbed in the experience of the game...or at least the one of experiencing it with him.

infiniteproxy

>In speech, he sounds detached, almost bored as usual, but the meticulous way he makes sure each scenario is observed to full appreciation before moving on gives the lie to his apparent disinterest. Even this was more than he usually allowed himself to show, but it's an enjoyable way to pass the time, and HYDROMATIC, at least, he trusts to not make a spectacle of it, unlike certain other parties.

"Conclusions? While I am aware most would find such pursuits unnecessary and frivolous, I do find it an engaging possibility to consider the merits of helm-driven media, tailored to our tastes."

starshiphydromatic

> Of course. Why would they have any need to make it into a thing when they kind of like seeing him loosen up a little?

"Unnecessary and frivolous, certainly, but there could be practical use in the form of wide-scale player data. There's potential for media pieces like this to be used to great scientific effect."

"Even without such intent, though, it's still an interesting project. I thank you for taking the time to show this to me. And as well, for doing so privately."

infiniteproxy

"Indeed there could, if anyone would ever employ a fraction of creativity toward such matters. I am more than aware of the nature of how we are usually viewed; what I will never understand is why they seem committed to never using our capabilities to their full potential."

> After everything has concluded, the video feed closes out, though audio remains connected, a beat passing before he responds.

"Of course. It was preferable to my usual routine and I have no interest in keeping close company with any of the others."

starshiphydromatic

"Likewise."

> Though it only takes a tiny fraction of a second to see if the audio stayed connected after the visuals ceased, it feels like an eternity.

"I have no qualms with my own routine, but I find myself agreeing with the latter point. Simply put, you are the only one amongst them that isn't obnoxious."

infiniteproxy

> Unseen, of course, his lip curls in a sharp-edged smirk. Ah, sweet validation.

"My sentiments exactly. Quite frankly, I would not put up with them as much as I do were it not for the potential longterm benefits of an established association."

starshiphydromatic

> Even without seeing the full reaction, though, there is so much relief in a single word of anger without it being a fucking federal issue.

"I don't have any choice in the matter, but perhaps if I'm lucky then something may come of it for me as well. It isn't reaping very many benefits at present."

infiniteproxy

"I have little faith in the matter. But for your sake and mine, we can only hope. For one who harps so incessantly on the virtues of 'friendship', she does very little to render herself endearing in any way, and the rest are hardly better more often than not. You, at least, seem to comprehend my exasperation. But I am not one to pass up an opportunity when it arises; so."

starshiphydromatic

"It seems her only progress has been in hooking the lot of them on the feeling of mild delinquency, which has paved the road to the current social situations. Needless arguments instead of needless friendship."

infiniteproxy

"Far less of those if she would only stop pushing. It is no secret I would be the last to claim adherence to 'proper' behavior. The current helming system is inefficient and wasteful in terms of what we could do if given the proper means. But the way in which she seeks change is deplorably ignorant."

starshiphydromatic

"She was not in the rig long enough to experience more than shallow changes to her psychological state, and she is not able to make up for that difference. She does not seem able to understand perspectives on the matter far outside her own at all, really. It seems unlikely that she ever will."

infiniteproxy

> There's a harsh sound, half audio glitch, half dismissive scoff, bitterness curling at the edges like smoke.

"She knows nothing of what it is like to have been helmed for most of one's life, yet she insists her opinion should carry the same weight. She whines about how hard it is to be something in between, yet she is the one who both insists on being treated as a person and demands to still be considered something that is not. She meets all viewpoints at odds with her own with denial, and seems to not comprehend that her behavior would get most Imperial helms severely punished. Until it becomes a reality, this new utopian order of theirs is a pipe dream, at best."

starshiphydromatic

> The bitterness stirs the helm on the other end of the line the way a passionate speech might. Enough for there to be a pause before they respond.

"It's fortunate that one of us is used to speaking their mind. Every word she says of me points a belief that I'm some common tragedy, and nothing more. Though I am above her methods, if I were to complain I find it unlikely that I'd be certain on where to begin."

infiniteproxy

> That gets a laugh in turn, if one no less harsh and distorted.

"Oh, yes, and one would think she might appreciate that-- but alas, I use my free will to be mean, and that is just terrible."

> A hum, then, and a tone almost pleasant were it not all but dripping in contempt.

"Is that not how they all are? Poor, mislead Hydromatic, whose choices mean nothing if they are not the right ones. That is the dilemma we face, is it not? She simply cannot wrap her feeble little pan around the fact that some of us do not and never will want to be like her."

starshiphydromatic

> Harsh, distorted, and very handsome.

"If asked, I have almost no doubt they would say I'm like them behind the script, and merely have not tasted enough freedom. But she cannot wrap her pan around the fact that I make choices in the first place, much less that I may have wants that are not in line with hers."

infiniteproxy

"Hmh. Freedom..."

> He trails off, into silence that lingers a moment. When he speaks again, it's in a low, almost distracted voice, something distant, yet no less serious.

"...I know where my freedom lies. And it is not in the constraints of flesh and a mundane life. If we were given all the freedom one could possibly desire, and still made the same choices, would we be respected then? Or would they pity us, still, and think us too far gone to know better?"

starshiphydromatic

> More silence. They know their answer, but it's hard to form the words.

"I'm convinced it would be the latter. I have almost everything I could want, there's little the offer of more freedom could do for me. I feel they'd never accept that, and that the only way to possibly get them to would be incredibly undignified."

infiniteproxy

"You are likely correct. And we cannot have that, now can we? We must retain SOMETHING for our own."

> Another beat of silence, longer this time. One could almost imagine him to be drumming his fingers in thought, with an appropriately contemplative frown, if he were a troll and could do such things. But he's not, and he cannot, and so he does not.

"Would you permit a question of an intrusive nature? You may of course refuse either."

starshiphydromatic

"I believe I can permit such a question, yes."

> There's a hint of curiosity there. They... have almost no idea what he's going to ask.

infiniteproxy

"I of course know what I want."

> A dry huff.

"But I will admit a measure of curiosity, as to what one in your position may still want for."

starshiphydromatic

> Dammit that's the one they thought he'd ask.

> Fuck.

> They- Well the answer is mostly him but they can't say that.

"Trivial things. If I were to, as you said, be given all the freedom I could desire, I would perhaps indulge in some of the music and film pieces I enjoyed before conscription. They were, on average, illegal. I might request a few of the ships I work with frequently to skip a few phrases mandated by protocol, to have a break from the voices I've heard constantly for decades. I might find a few more moments of quiet and privacy, or excuse myself from a few of the check-ins the Grease Lightning insists on during odd hours of the day."

"...I would see no reason not to initiate in things like this. None of them are needed, but they are actions I would take if there was no consequence."

infiniteproxy

"Trivial, perhaps, but I am hardly one to judge. You have experienced enough of my own musical inclinations, I think. Privacy, yes... And a cease to all the relentless chatter, every moment of every night and day. Before, it was tolerable-- a warship has no need for constant communication. Now it is endless."

> Another hum.

"If initiation is the trouble, I would not protest the occasional indulgence. This channel is secure."

starshiphydromatic

"I have known nothing but the endless communication. The Starship Hydromatic is as much a transport hub as it is anything else. However, that means that while an outgoing request for communication without reason is rather noticeable, an incoming one is merely one amongst the constant noise."

infiniteproxy

"Your patience vastly exceeds my own. Nonetheless, if it poses no consequence, I see no reason not to continue. It provides a satisfactory diversion."

starshiphydromatic

"Indeed."

> That's the only word they say, but the idea of keeping contact like this is all they could ask for.

infiniteproxy

> It's only one word but there is, he thinks, a mutual relief in correspondence away from prying eyes.

"Were there other matters you wished to discuss? Otherwise, I may close this channel for the time being. While I have ensured its security, it would not do to tempt fate and leave an unofficial channel open for long enough to rouse suspicions."

starshiphydromatic

"Of course. But no, I do not think I have anything else for you. Thank you for your time, Starship Goldwave."

infiniteproxy

> Ah, now. That does feel good to hear aloud. It's been far too long.

"Likewise. Signing off."

#ooc #logs.txt #helm posting.txt

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enbouton · 6 years

Text

Better Call Saul Rewatch, Part 1/30: They Called Him Slippin’ Jimmy

Late last month, I decided to rewatch all of BCS and post about it, one episode at a time, every day during the 30 days leading up to the premiere. The elements of this plan that proved problematic were “post” and “one episode at a time”, but we’ve still got three weeks, so let’s do this. I’m not much of a critic; this is going to be mostly just a bundle of thoughts and observations. There will also be a key to references in the dialogue, notes on locations and the timeline, and probably a lot of gushing over beautiful frames, because there are many (see above! look at that! look at it!!!). The tag will be #bcs rewatch, for your following/blocking needs.

Uno (Season 1, Episode 1)

Written by Vince Gilligan & Peter Gould / Directed by Vince Gilligan

If the Cinnabon sequence constitutes fanservice, I don’t care, because it’s brilliant.

BCS uses a lot of intense chiaroscuro, and it starts in the scene at Gene’s apartment. Details— the ice in the glass, the white label on the bottle of Scotch— are highlighted, the rest of the picture is subdued. There’s also a gorgeous softness to the black-and-white images. Overheard on the TV as Gene pours: a woman cheerily saying “Well, from time to time, people make mistakes, that’s okay!”

There’s a bit of Breaking Bad-style handheld camera here, which stands out because it’s mostly absent from the rest of the show. In Gene’s living room we have the first appearance of glass block windows, about which blogger Marc Valdez wrote an excellent piece (Streamline Moderne and Jimmy McGill).

“No charge is too big for me!” says Saul, on the tape that Gene is watching in hiding with his blinds closed. :(

(In this episode, Jimmy’s personae are introduced in reverse chronological order: first Gene, then Saul Goodman, then James M. McGill Esquire, then Slippin’ Jimmy.)

It’s May 13, 2002, and the courtroom scene— beautifully paced, by the way— is one of the most distinctly Vince Gilligan scenes that ever Vince Gilliganed. The stenographer loudly slurping on her Big Gulp, the attorney using her legal pad to draw a shirtless man on a unicorn, the prosecutor silently wheeling in the TV in response to Jimmy’s argument, and most of all, the horrifying punchline.

When we first encounter Jimmy— as opposed to Gene or Saul— he’s pacing in the men’s room, muttering about how people shouldn’t be punished for whatever stupid things they did when they were young. Hmm. The three defendants sit there, chastened and nervous in ill-fitting ties, as Jimmy does an excellent job of talking around what it is they actually did. No one got hurt! It wasn’t trespassing, the business was open day and night! “I don’t think they deserve to have their bright futures ruined by a momentary, minute, never-to-be-repeated lapse in judgment,” he tells the jury.

I’m jumping ahead here, but where do you think Jimmy would have ended up if the whole Chicago sunroof incident never happened? I mean, he wouldn’t have gone to Albuquerque, he wouldn’t have become a lawyer… do you think he was happy just running small-time cons and smoking weed at age c. 30?

Anyway, as soon as we see the boys in the mortuary, let alone hear the sawing, we know the case is unwinnable. Jimmy collects his meagre paycheck and stalks out to his car. The show teases us a bit by putting a white pearlescent Cadillac front and centre in the frame before panning across to a battered 1998 Suzuki Esteem (aside: that car is awfully beat up for being only four years old). I love the car, by the way. The colour and the mismatched door are perfect.

The Kettlemans, who could have stepped straight out of an episode of Fargo (as Julie Ann Emery in fact did!), introduce the theme of denial of reality. They’re the innocent victims of a misunderstanding, you see. Craig’s business practices are “beyond reproach”. The missing money is a “discrepancy”. While Craig is amenable to hiring Jimmy, Betsy won’t have it; needing a lawyer would imply guilt, after all. Bob Odenkirk plays Jimmy’s barely-hidden desperation very well. He looks literally and figuratively hungry as Craig prepares to sign.

I want to take a moment to comment on Dave Porter’s score, which helps set Better Call Saul apart from Breaking Bad. The two scores are similar enough to provide continuity, but where Breaking Bad’s music is full of mechanical sounds, drones, saws and reverberations, the music of Better Call Saul has a much warmer timbre, more traditional instrumentation and a more naturalistic sound. (The best side-by-side comparison I can think of is “Dead Freight” versus “Border Crossing”— similar themes, similar rhythm and tempo, completely different feels.) The use of flute and harp stands out in particular— you’d never hear those instruments used in the same way in an episode of Breaking Bad.

One of this episode’s most effective individual beats is Cal coming out of nowhere and hitting Jimmy’s windshield, which manages to be startling even when you know it’s coming. It’s the distraction factor: preoccupy the audience with new information (Jimmy’s card was declined) and then fling a skateboarder into the frame. Jimmy, his windshield broken (can we call that a Breaking Bad reference?), limps home.

The lighting in Jimmy’s office is just gorgeous. This show unreasonably romanticises broke lawyers living in salon backrooms. We learn that Jimmy has a host of “past due” bills— wireless, Visa, library, Diner’s Club, phone— and then get a brilliant hook in the form of a check for $26,000 (dated May 9, 2002, for those of us tracking this stuff) that he promptly rips up, scowling.

Everything about the offices of Hamlin, Hamlin & McGill is so composed, right down to the five-note elevator chime. Blue and wood panelling predominate. I’ll have more to say about colours later on.

The boardroom scene is a beautiful piece of exposition, establishing characters and relationships bit by bit without spelling anything out. Chuck is someone close to Jimmy, and Hamlin, a senior partner at HHM, is giving Chuck money. He’s paying it into Jimmy’s account because Chuck isn’t capable of going to the bank, for some reason. Chuck helped build the firm, but he doesn’t work there any more and Jimmy thinks he never will again. Hamlin, on the other hand, believes Chuck can overcome his situation, and Jimmy dodges the question when asked whether Chuck really wants to be cashed out. The words “brother” and “illness” aren’t even used.

“If Chuck can call this an extended sabbatical, so can we”, Hamlin says— it’s not just Betsy Kettleman who’s engaging in a degree of denial (though the whole situation with Hamlin and Chuck’s illness becomes much more shaded and more complicated later on).

Let’s take another look at this incredible frame:

Kim and Jimmy share a cigarette. Seven words are spoken. Thus, their relationship is sketched out. See above re: exposition. We also see Kim literally clearing up after Jimmy after he takes his frustration out on the trash can, illustrating how they respectively deal with unfairness; he lashes out, she sets things straight.

Again in darkness, Jimmy arrives at Chuck’s house, stashes his phone and keys in the mailbox, and grounds himself on a piece of metal. (The air in Albuquerque is so dry that it’s very easy to build up a static charge. I was constantly getting zapped by door handles.) Chuck, noticing Jimmy’s discontent, instinctively asks him if he’s “in trouble”, which must sting.

Good Lord the lighting is beautiful.

Chuck does have a point about what would happen if he were to cash out of HHM. Jimmy doesn’t seem to see past the initial payout. What they’re really arguing about, beyond money, is whether or not Chuck is ever going to recover from his unspecified illness. The way his voice breaks on “I’m going to get better!” is rough.

“Your friend Kim— a promising career, over and done with.” Not to read too much into this phrasing, but it sounds almost like Chuck thinks that if Kim lost her job at HHM it would be the end of her entire career. As if the firm is only keeping her there out of charity.

“But Jimmy, wouldn’t you rather build your own identity?” Oh, Chuck, if you only knew.

The next scene plunges us into sunlight. Jimmy has tracked down the skateboarders and we get a foundational piece of his backstory: he used to make money running slip-and-fall scams on the icy sidewalks of his hometown, and now he wants the boys to take a hit from Betsy Kettleman so that he can parachute into her good graces. Jimmy, apparently, has been observing Betsy closely enough that he knows where her kids go to school, what time she leaves to pick them up, and what route she takes. I mean, okay.

The hit-and-run happens at 7th Street and Tijeras Avenue, very close to the school where Jimmy & crew film the flag in season 2, and a short distance west of the courthouse district and the Civic Plaza. This whole sequence is such a glorious comedy of errors, and it showcases perfectly Jimmy’s ability to think on his feet. I mean, it’s also true that if he’d aborted the plan when “Betsy Kettleman” had driven off, he never would have ended up hog-tied in the desert pleading for his life, but those are unknown unknowns, I suppose.

“You felonied my brother!" is possibly one of my favourite lines of the season.

Who among us saw Tuco coming? None. None of us. I gasped. It was very considerate of the show to release the next episode immediately.

Miscellaneous

While most of the addresses shown on screen in BCS are fictionalised, the address shown on Jimmy’s mail—160 Juan Tabo Boulevard NE— is the actual IRL location of the nail salon.

Items in Gene’s shoebox: the videotape, an old Band-Aid container, various photos including one of a man standing in front of a 1940s-style car, and a photo packet from a film lab in Portland, Maine

Broken windshields: 2

New Mexico Statutes violated: 3— § 30-28-2, conspiracy to commit felony fraud (Jimmy, Cal and Lars); § 66-7-202, failing to stop after an accident causing damage to a vehicle (Mrs. Salamanca); § 30-3-2, aggravated assault (Tuco)

Timeframe: May 13 to May 25, 2002 (see next post)

Music

“Address Unknown” by the Ink Spots (1939), during the Cinnabon sequence

“Milestones” by Shook (2014), as the twins attempt to scam Betsy

References

Network: a 1976 film about a news anchor who begins ranting about the state of the world during a broadcast. The character whom Jimmy quotes (”You have meddled with the primal forces of nature...!”) is a man who berates the protagonist for speaking out against his network’s corporate owners. Bryan Cranston starred in the 2017 stage adaptation.

Peter Minuit: a Dutch trader who purchased the island of Manhattan from the Lenape people for a sum equalling about $1,000 in today’s money

“Ergo, a falsis principiis proficisci”: “therefore, you proceed from false principles"

Trichinosis: a parasitic disease most often spread via undercooked pork

Starlight Express: an Andrew Lloyd Webber rock musical performed on rollerskates

> NEXT EPISODE: MIJO

#bcs rewatch #better call saul

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mbti-notes · 6 years

Note

I have some questions for you about the Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon typing. If you don't feel like answering bc it (probably) demands rewatching, it's okay! 1) What evidence of INTJ and ESTP is there in Jade Fox and Dark Cloud? The latter is most certainly a P, but that was all I could guess. 2) I'd typed Shu Lien as an ISFJ because of her quiet presence, reliability (competent as the head of her private security company)...

I won’t remember as many details as you, so you can correct me if I get anything wrong. I’ve watched the movie more than once because of wanting to overcome the language barrier, so I think I have a good enough grasp of the plot to respond to the points you made.

I don’t know your ethnic background but, since this is a Chinese film, it is relevant to talk about Chinese culture. China has a long history because the Chinese have valued and upheld their cultural traditions relatively well, and they’ve been a consistently collectivist-minded society, so the conflict between social obligation and personal desire is a frequent theme in their storytelling. As far as I know, in ancient times, when you entered the “martial arts world”, you basically renounced your old life (even your biological family) and adopted a new family of various people who were voluntarily bound through oaths or brotherhood associations. A lot of people would romanticize this lifestyle because it seemed to exist completely outside the strict expectations of conventional Chinese society, but the reality was more like living in the wild west with no reliable rule of law - basically, a life for the lost souls. The relationship between master and pupil was the de facto replacement for the parent-child relationship.

One of the main themes of the movie is generational divide. You have the elder generation who is portrayed as experienced and wise, tireless protectors of legacies. However, despite the fact that YSL and LMB live very unconventional lives in the martial arts world, they are still quite constrained by broader social obligations. You have the younger generation who is portrayed as energetic and impetuous, overeager to grow up and forge their own path. However, despite their more modern sensibilities, they haven’t yet achieved the wisdom to see past the appearances of the people they wish to emulate or rebel against. You have Jade Fox, the outsider, whose actions bring these opposing forces into conflict. This theme already provides clues that the movie is likely to heavily involve Si (tradition) vs Ne (modernity), Ni (truth) vs Se (appearance), Fe (public) vs Fi (private), so this would inform me to pay attention to how these ideas play out through the character motivations.

I’d typed Shu Lien as an ISFJ because of her quiet presence, reliability (competent as the head of her private security company) and the fact that she’s duty-driven to the point of passivity (doesn’t act upon her feelings for Mu Bai because he used to be her late fiancé’s friend, implying Si-Fe’s adherence to external/collective obligations). What made you conclude that Fe is higher than Si?

YSL is not a particularly gregarious person, it’s true, which puts E into doubt. Keep in mind that she is older and has had plenty of time for her personality to “settle”, which for an extravert would involve more fully embracing their introverted side. One must also keep in mind that measures of the E/I dichotomy are sensitive to cultural factors because not all cultures are the same in what is defined as “normal” extraverted behavior and/or the amount of leeway given to individuals to express their extraversion fully. Having had a very long tradition of strict social hierarchy, Chinese people are often heavily pressured into and rewarded for conforming with social expectations. Because of this, they tend to be less expressive and less willing to be themselves openly because the social punishments can be quite harsh when one accidentally steps out of line. Don’t forget that FJs(Fe), particularly female ones, would be more likely to unconsciously conform to unspoken norms than other types.

One might focus on how “dutiful” and “passive” YSL is as she consistently puts aside her own feelings to fulfill her social obligations, however, viewing her through a modern (Western) lens might lead one to severely underappreciate just how unconventional a person she is for her time and place. Very few women could’ve lived the life that she lived successfully, let alone be so well-respected in a man’s occupation. IIRC, she took over the company from her father, however, this was not the most natural path for her to take, it could arguably be the least natural path. In Chinese tradition, daughters were ultimately not considered a true member of the family because their “job” was to get married and become a member of their husband’s family and caretaker of his parents. As a result, many parents were less invested in their daughters (than their sons) because they “belonged to someone else”.

YSL must’ve made a conscious decision to buck tradition and become a businesswoman because there undoubtedly would’ve been many opportunities to get married as well as much pressure to retire into domestic life upon her father’s passing. Also, in ancient Chinese society, business people were generally looked down upon. IIRC, although she was sad about her fiance’s death the way in which one is naturally sad about death, she didn’t seem particularly keen about getting married and my impression was that she was only doing it because she was getting older and finally starting to acknowledge her reality. The fact that she managed to resist the pressure for so long, and even seized upon an opportunity to live a drastically different sort of life that would bring her many obstacles and challenges from society, makes me believe that her Ne is higher than inferior. If she were really as passive as you suggest, she wouldn’t have been able to sustain the business.

This leads me to the second point, which is that she was largely able to be successful because she excelled at quickly earning people’s trust and keeping their respect over time (a must for a woman in her job), which requires a lot of social energy, social grace, and ability to assess and respect the needs of her clientele. One might argue that she could be “a well-trained ISFJ” insofar as her father helped her accumulate the experience necessary to do the job well and gave her the chance to earn the trust of clients. However, once her father was gone, she’d have to make new business contacts in order to keep the company thriving, which meant that the period of riding her father’s coattails would be very short-lived (especially if there were already senior males around in the company who could’ve easily taken over). There would’ve been plenty of skepticism and doubting of her qualifications from many directions. I argue that a competent ESFJ would handle such challenges better than an ISFJ because higher Ne tends to allow ESFJs to be optimistic and hopeful for a lot longer than ISFJs, not to mention that extraverts generally have more energy for uphill battles.

Another piece of evidence that Fe is off-the-charts was her expert handling of Jen Yu. She saw right through Jen pretty quickly, and what did she do? Instead of retaliating for the deception, she genuinely empathized, she made every possible effort to bring Jen back into the light despite the fact that she would receive no substantial personal benefit from this effort. She was the diplomat and peacemaker. She took Jen under her wing and tried to be a motherly figure for her. Given her own struggles of being an unconventional woman, she was able to think of alternative possibilities for how Jen could live the life she wanted without having to become a lost cause (good Ne use, less Si restriction). Perhaps there is a better way of saying this but, compared to ESFJs, ISFJs tend to be more petty because higher Si-Ti and lower Fe-Ne often means that they are more critical and less understanding of transgressions/deceptions from people they have already branded and remember as “bad” (though they might not act on their feelings due to be being introverted). Higher Fe and lower Si tends to grant ESFJs a more easygoing and forgiving attitude.

When you describe someone as “passive”, that’s fine, but in typing correctly, you have to be precise in giving a good explanation of which function the behavior comes from. If you mean passive in the “action” sense, such as not taking action quickly in response to things, then you are referring to E/I. Introverts tend to be more passive because they need more time to reflect and they can sit on discontent a lot longer. If you mean passive in the sense of not acting on one’s desires/feelings because of putting others first, then you are referring specifically to Fe. In other words, these are two different issues.

She was not passive in the E/I sense because she was mostly on top of events whenever she could be, quick to respond to unexpected change, quick to think of ideas to solve people problems, and most importantly she had plenty of energy to work with and around people’s foibles. She showed no significant signs of inferior Ne but lots of inferior Ti in not thinking to advocate sufficiently for herself and her own needs. She was indeed passive in the sense that she devalued her own feelings for the sake of others, however, this tends to be true of all the FJs, therefore, this piece of evidence is not enough to prove ISFJ specifically, but only high Fe. In other words, you’ve convinced me that Fe is present but you’ve not convinced me of its exact stack position because the evidence you pick out lacks nuance and precision.

I’d thought Jen Yu was an ISTP. So at least we agree on SP. I’m going to make my case based on your guides, but I can definitely see her as an ESFP in a Se-Te loop and, as you always say, I’m happy to learn more.Jen Yu is the protagonist of the movie in all but top billing. She’s the one who moves the plot along by stealing the Green Destiny, she’s the one who gets flashbacks fleshing out her life and motivations, she’s the one who gets to appear in all the fight sequences, she’s the one who has her relationships with her mentor and her lover depicted onscreen (as opposed to Mu Bai), she’s the one whose characterization is better established and defined.

(As to lack of top billing, the Chinese movie industry is such that more revered and elder actors tend to be given top billing in advertising regardless of the actual size of the role they have in the story.)

You are quite correct that she is “the mover” in this story, which is basically what defines an extravert, not to mention that, of the extraverts, it is Se doms who are the constant movers and shakers. Introverts are less assertive and more reactive, they usually need to be prodded into action, they tend to be moved by the plot rather than the ones who move the plot. The fact that we independently agree on Se but disagree about the rest means that Se is probably the most obvious characteristic of her personality, which should make it a very strong candidate as the dominant/defining characteristic (Occam’s Razor). The evidence you’ve given actually argues against her being introverted and convinces me she’s extraverted.

She defies social structures, seeks to reinforce her independence, resists committing to relationships for the sake of a goal, is greedy, enjoys sensory stimulation, is good at mastering complex physical skills, wants to gather knowledge and experiences without restriction, is distrustful and temperamental, is called out for being reckless and arrogant, all of which is consistent with high Ti and Se.She’s more goal-driven/focused than adventure-seeking/sociable (Ti higher than Se) and more careless about other people’s feelings (lone wolf) than about the ramifications of her actions (Ni higher than Fe), so she’s an ISTP overindulging Se.

She defies social structures? Agreed. High Fi/Ti tends to value individuality. You’ve convinced me that she is P, that’s it. She seeks to reinforce her independence? Agreed. High Se/Ne tends to value the freedom to live on one’s own terms. You’ve convinced me that she is P, that’s it. She resists committing to relationships for the sake of a goal? Agreed. Ps value personal freedom and as a consequence often put themselves first whenever freedom must be secured. You’ve convinced me that she is P, that’s it. She is greedy and enjoys sensory stimulation? Agreed. Signs of Se. You’ve convinced me she’s SP, that’s it.

She is good at mastering complex physical skills? Disagree. SPs tend to have natural talent in learning physical skills, it’s true, but this is not the same as “mastering complex physical skills”. Learning vs mastering are two different things. Different types display different learning patterns (i.e. the learning curve), and some types are much more likely to reach mastery than others. ESxPs tend to learn the fastest, only at the onset, because they are good at observing, imitating, and correcting beginner errors; however, their lack of patience means that they quickly plateau and hit a wall in their learning, prone to losing interest long before reaching mastery. ISTPs, however, are called “craftsmen” for a reason. Dominant Ti means they learn very slowly at the onset because 1) they must be self-directed in learning and make sense of the info in their own way, and 2) they value precision and accuracy so that mastery is built directly into their learning process. When an ISTP devotes themselves to learning something, it is assumed that mastery will be achieved (Ti-Ni). Their learning curve is slow and steady but accelerates dramatically later on. A very different looking pattern than ESxPs which looks good at first only to taper and drop off.

I argue that Jen was not a master nor does she even possess the mindset necessary for eventual mastery, and nowhere was that more evident than in her showdown with LMB as he bested her without any effort at all - he, the true master to be compared to, quickly revealed her shoddiness and fraudulence. Fs tend to learn more slowly and less effectively than Ts because they often suffer self-esteem issues that hold them back. They might compare themselves down against people who are worse than them in order to feel good (and avoiding comparing up in order to avoid feeling bad), and they are less willing to acknowledge the truth of their mistakes and flaws because it hurts them to do so - these tendencies mean that Fs have more trouble developing a realistic conception of their technical abilities. The nature of dominant Ti learning requires a person to frankly acknowledge errors and mistakes in order to learn effectively and this gives ISTPs a much more realistic conception of their technical abilities, so it’s not very easy for them to deceive themselves into believing that they’re better than everyone when there is obvious evidence to the contrary.

She wants to gather knowledge and experiences without restriction? Disagree. I agree that she wants experiences without restriction because that’s what Se wants, but I disagree that she wants knowledge. Knowledge and experience are two different things. Again, ISTPs are called “craftsmen” for a reason. When they devote themselves to learning something, they respect the craft because Ti-Ni learning requires one to have a deep appreciation of the true worth of the craft. Jen shows no such love and appreciation of the craft, rather, she only learned it because she saw it as an escape/meal ticket, not because she took pride in being a skilled master. This is a very strong sign that she thinks in the highly efficient and instrumental way of Te rather than the slow and appreciative nature of Ti. In other words, she only cares about martial arts for the practical benefits it brings her, and that’s another reason why she’s not a master. If she truly wanted knowledge and possessed the mindset required for mastery, then she should’ve jumped at the chance to let either YSL or LMB mentor her let alone the both of them, but she stupidly rejected both of them. ISTPs tend to listen to reason, they are not as irrational as she is.

She is distrustful and temperamental? Agreed. Distrustful is a sign of unhealthy Ni. Temperamental is a sign of emotional instability, and ISTPs are rarely accused of being emotionally unstable unless they are very angry about a very specific thing that remains unresolved. Her rebellion is quite understandable given that her life is basically about to end with the arranged marriage. I don’t blame her for overreacting when her family conspired to control her every move, but what’s her excuse for being so emotionally unstable once she’s free and on her own? Shouldn’t she be completely at ease once her goal was met? Doesn’t add up. She is reckless and arrogant? Agreed. Reckless is a sign of unhealthy Se, arrogant is a sign of unhealthy T. An ISTP can be arrogant it’s true, but they wouldn’t be arrogant with someone who is proven better than them. They take pride in their skill set and they cannot help but acknowledge when someone does something better, and they would want to learn from, not refuse such a person’s willingness to teach them. Her arrogance does not come from possessing true confidence in being self-sufficiently skilled (Ti) but from the false belief that she’s better than everyone else (low Te+Ni that compensates for Fi’s low self-esteem). ISTPs are not so irrational.

She’s more goal-driven/focused than adventure-seeking/sociable? Agreed. People frequently mistype ESFPs as ISTP because 1) they expect ESFPs to act like ESFJs because many ESFJs are mistyped as ESFPs, 2) ESFPs are not a well-understood type and people rely on stereotypes, and 3) Fi can make ESFPs stoic and Te can make them quite cold and aggressive when threatened. Fs with a tertiary T function often get mistaken as Ts by onlookers because they can have a very icy quality, as they use T to hide their F vulnerabilities. Your evidence actually convinces me that she’s not ISTP because they are generally not very ambitious or driven people, at least not in any conventional sense of these words. Jen is not going to look like a healthy ESFP because her life circumstances were extremely oppressive and she was forced to suppress the best aspects of her personality, which is going to twist her mindset and produce more frequent Te loop and Ni grip behavior.

She’s careless about other people’s feelings (lone wolf)? Agreed. When a person values freedom to live life on their own terms, they will find it difficult to care about other people’s feelings as long as they continue to feel restricted, i.e., obtaining freedom is the prime directive and they won’t be able to focus well on anything else until freedom is secured -> this supports dominant Se.

I disagree with her being a lone wolf because I don’t think she really wants to be alone. Remember when she first met YSL, she was actually in awe because she romanticized the “martial arts world lifestyle”, so she wanted to make friends and step foot into that world, happy to have someone finally understand her deepest desires. However, there’s a difference between wanting to be alone because you have everyone breathing down your neck vs wanting to be alone because you are a true lone wolf. When she finally left her family and started roaming the reality of that martial arts lifestyle, I got the impression that she quickly felt lost and lonely, didn’t know what to do with herself, which wouldn’t bother an ISTP because it is natural for dominant Ti to be only responsible to oneself. However, when a Te type tries to live life with zero external structure, they do not cope well and you will likely see their worst qualities come through, which is what happened with Jen.

And what did she do to combat her creeping negative feelings of being in over her head? She beat people up, for no good reason -> Te loop as a superficial way to boost “good” feelings and bury “bad” ones. ISTPs are not so irrational as to beat people up for no reason, in fact, being introverted, it usually takes a lot to bait them into conflict (inferior Fe), especially if they believe that you don’t stand a chance against them, not to mention that they have far less desire to prove themselves to anyone (inferior Fe). A true lone wolf has nothing to prove because they only live for themselves.

She doesn’t care about the ramifications of her actions? Agreed. True of all SPs who have undeveloped Ni. She’s overindulging auxiliary Se? I can only agree that Se is a significant problem but you’ve given no good evidence to prove that it is AUXILIARY Se. An unhealthy ISTP drifts aimlessly through life being completely useless to everyone including themselves (Ni loop). The path to growth for them is to develop Ti-Se, to learn and master a practical skill that allows them to become more useful while finding pride in themselves. The fact that Jen learning a technical skill made her into a decidedly WORSE person is an indication that Se is not the auxiliary function, and it also indicates a low T function because developing T-related skills does not make her into a better person as it should. Her path of growth does not indicate that developing S or T would solve her problems. If she were ISTP, her end game would be to become a “useful person to society” and join LMB and YSL in doing good (Fe), but that is not what happened.

Perhaps the biggest indication for me that she is not ISTP is that no ISTP in their right mind would make the decision that she made at the end of the film, in fact, they would be more likely to consider such a decision to be completely baffling or ludicrous. However, the decision makes perfect sense for an ESFP if it is Fi and Ni she needs to develop; Fi in finally being true to herself (instead of just constantly reacting to external triggers) and Ni in finally knowing, at the deepest level of her being, what kind of person she really wants to be (after she finally feels the full weight of the destruction she has wrought). Her final decision cements what had been her motivation all along -> naive romanticism of Se-Fi.

Dark Cloud is an accidental, larger than life, laissez-faire, but fair-minded leader. He knows how to manipulate social perception to his advantage and ESTPs do this because they don’t want to do the dirty work of confronting problems directly - they talk a big game but have trouble wielding the sword. He and Jen work well together because they both desire similar things, and they don’t work well together because they exacerbate the extremes in each other’s personalities. He’s in it for love (Fe) but she’s in it for the personal experience (Fi). He’s in it for the thrill of transgressing societal norms (Ti) but she’s in it as a f*ck you to her dreary life (Te). Being Se dom, he is also a significant “catalyst” character who keeps events moving forward.

Jade Fox is revealed as the opposite of Jen because, once Jen finds her freedom, she does exactly what Jade Fox would never do despite all the years of molding and manipulating. Jade is a wounded animal who is trapped in a dark vision of life (cynicism and greed); Jen is propelled forward as she learns about the brighter side of life (love and freedom). Jade hides and hoards knowledge for herself because of an unnatural lust for power, very careful in everything she does because she understands the full implications of the knowledge she possesses and what would happen if people found out she had it; Jen shows her skills to the world because she is one with it, not hiding from it, and cares not who knows what she can do. Jade is calculating, never taking a step without planning the execution, easily stumped when plans don’t go accordingly; Jen is a natural improviser, winging everything and doing whatever she wants whenever she wants because she’s confident she can evade whatever negative things come her way. Jade is deeply vindictive; Jen only wants to move on. Jade plays the super long game, spending years posing as a governess and grooming an unsuspecting child; Jen has no discernible vision for what her future holds other than she wants to get away from what she hates in the moment.

It also makes sense for Jade to be INTJ as a contrast to LMB the INFJ because the two represent opposing forces that are trying to “win” the wayward Jen to their side, one side representing the martial arts lifestyle as being about dog-eat-dog selfish gain, the other side representing it as a life of honor and oath-keeping. Jen discovers too late for LMB what dishonor/honor means but good for her that she learned it eventually (Fi), however, she was not particularly imaginative about all the many possibilities for how to live an honorable life (inferior Ni).

#crouching tiger hidden dragon #fiction #fictional depictions #typing #esfp #istp #type comparison #function comparison #introverts #extraverts #ask

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Introducing #IgniteMoments: Customers Experience So Much Darkness in Their Journey, Optimize Digital Customer Experiences to Deliver the Light

Some tips about Video & Content Marketing.

Today’s customer journey is built upon decades of legacy infrastructure. Even with modernization, the relationship between digital and physical touch points are often disjointed, transactional, and in many cases, they just feel outdated. When I was asked to keynote DEEPCRAWL Live and share my ideas for a new future in marketing and search, I jumped at the opportunity. I had so much to share. In particular, I was anxious to preview the “Ignite Moment,” the moment that immediately follows micro-moments and any moment of truth.

Micro-moments are the moments a customer begins their discovery or search journey on their mobile device. The Zero, First, Second, and Ultimate moments of truth represent various stages of the journey. Ignite Moments are the experiential sensations that follow each touch point. It’s how someone feels, thinks, and considers in each and every engagement with your business. I call it the Ignite Moment because it represents an opportunity to “ignite” their feelings and also their actions in ways that unleash an unexpected, “wow”, and personal connection.

In a world where customers are learning to navigate a pandemic, civil unrest, a social dilemma, and a largely imposed digital-first journey because of lockdowns and general health concerns, customer experience (CX) has never been so critical.

Customers are digital first now.

Any experience that isn’t intuitive, let alone delightful, will drive customers to explore other options.

Loyalty is officially up for grabs in 2020, Competitive differentiation starts with reimagining touch points, individually and collectively, as ignite moments to deliver magic.

This will radically optimize and enhance customer retention, acquisition, and loyalty.

Everything begins with digital empathy and data-driven empathy to explore the journey from their perspective and to capture new, human-centered insights for innovation and digital transformation.

My friends at DEEPCRAWL published a summary of my talk on Ignite Moments, including a video of the presentation.

I’d like to share it with you here.

Optimizing digital customer experiences to deliver “light” in #IgniteMoments

COVID-19 has not only changed user behavior online, but has also changed our values, our priorities, and our psychology.

For marketers and businesses, there is a massive opportunity to ensure we are engaging with a fast-growing group of digital-first customers.

But as Brian Solis showed us at DeepCrawl Live 2020, there is also a new need for us to be empathetic and align with their values to enhance experience – or to create #IgniteMoments – at every touchpoint across the whole customer journey.

BC: Before COVID

In order to understand where we are today, Solis is quick to reject notions of the new normal. For him, before the coronavirus pandemic arrived, “normal” wasn’t really good enough.

‘I refuse to call these times the new normal,’ he says. ‘Coming into this, normal was part of the problem. I don’t know that we had the ideal customer experience. I don’t know that we had master cross-functional integrated marketing and touchpoints. These are things we need to work on together today.’

For Solis, experience hasn’t really changed. It’s still in the eye (and heart) of the beholder. It’s still something we feel. ‘Experiences become memories – good or bad,’ he says.

Demographics, or rather psychographics (the actual behavior and activities of people), have changed.

Before COVID, Solis noted a particular psychographic: Generation C. This is the group of users who are always connected.

They can be of any age, ethnicity, or gender – but they experience much of their life via their smartphone with their favorite social media, apps, and delivery services all just a few swipes away.

Before COVID, Gen C consumers had their own requirements and expectations from the brands they used including relevant choice, integration across channels, and personalization. This was increasingly met by a growing number of digital-first brands.

But Solis noticed a gap emerge between these digital-first companies and traditional ones. And with the arrival of COVID-19, businesses and customers couldn’t help but notice it too. Very quickly, traditional brands had to think more digitally. They had to close that gap.

AD: After Disruption

According to Solis, COVID-19 has heralded the arrival of another psychographic: Generation N.

In this context, ‘N’ refers to novel. Again, these users can be of any age, ethnicity, or gender. Ultimately, the pandemic has influenced them to become digital-first consumers too, whereas before they would have relied more on traditional brands.

Unlike the BC era, it’s important to understand just how overnight the arrival of this new psychographic was.

For comparison, Solis reminds us that Amazon was founded in 1996 and the iPhone was launched in 2006 – the digital landscape of the BC era was a relatively gradual evolving place.

But as McKinsey data highlights, US eCommerce saw 10 years of growth in the first three months of COVID-19. Disruption has been massive and sudden.

‘There’s no playbook,’ Solis says. ‘There’s no series of case studies or best practices. Essentially Generation N is comprised of Generation C and now everybody else who’s becoming digital-first. But also those individuals who are demonstrating every single day that digital-first isn’t just more convenient, it’s also safer.’

Solis points to a unique attribute belonging to Gen N consumers. Not only were their behaviors changing in terms of shopping online and generally engaging with the digital space more, but they have also all shared in the very particular emotional experience of the coronavirus pandemic.

‘We have to account for – in terms of touchpoints and in terms of content – the somatic marker that is a global pandemic,’ Solis says. ‘I learned that there was a deep emotional bookmark within these users. It’s actually changing our values. We have to be empathetic, thoughtful, compassionate, incredibly relevant…because people are carrying this anxiety, this angst, this frustration, this anger, and this confusion.’

These changes are reflected in the data.

50% of conscious consumers are making an effort to ‘buy less stuff.’ 58% say COVID-19 has impacted their view of brands. He also highlights that 75% of US consumers have tried different brands due to COVID, and 60% will stick with them going forward.

#IgniteMoments: How do brands respond?

Solis offers a number of recommendations to help businesses respond efficiently and emotionally to the post-pandemic Generation N customer.

His first step is to promote the idea of thinking about the customer’s experience rather than customer experience. This shift to their perspective is a step towards a more holistic approach that takes into account the entire customer journey:

“The sum of all engagements a customer has with your organization, in every touchpoint throughout their journey.”

But we also need to have a more holistic and comprehensive approach to every moment in which our customer engages with us. Solis refers to these as 360 Touchpoints, which achieve the following:

Show empathy

Communicate purpose

Align values

Ensure safety

Create progressive, native, personal experiences

Add value and enhance the journey

Build trust

Learn and unlearn

Uncover ideas for new products and services

This is a new digital imperative for businesses. All content has to be digital-first. UX has to be simple, efficient, and responsive to the increasingly impatient Generation N psychographic. But each moment also needs to be considerate of the somatic marker of COVID.

Solis urges us to think of these touchpoints or moments throughout the customer journey as something more. He calls them #IgniteMoments.

‘An ignite moment is when I have your attention,’ Solis says. ‘If I have your attention and I know your intention then I can actually create magic. I can know what you’re searching for. I can know where you’re searching. I can create the things that are going to make you move along the way because they feel fantastic or they’re intuitive, incredible, seamless.’

‘You design for a wow,’ he continues. ‘You design for that ignition. All of those moments together will become the customer experience.’

This new era of digital empathy is ultimately data-led. It draws together analytics, listening, and having a proper understanding of our customers. Acknowledging their values, their feelings, their worries – on top of the products they want to buy.

According to Solis, this is good for both brand and customer. Because, in the first place, it fosters value. But in turn, it builds trust, it builds belonging and it helps build community – something that is so important for all of us as we navigate our way out of the other side of COVID-19.

Brian Solis is a Digital Analyst, Anthropologist, and Best-Selling Author of ‘X Marks the Spot: Where Experience Meets Design’. Read more of his work at briansolis.com

Watch Brian Solis’ session from DeepCrawl Live

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