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umnitsa · 9 months

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You should mess with Jim

Summary: You just moved and found out your neighbor is your favorite porn actor.

A/N: I can't stop thinking of this and I won't stop myself anymore. We may have an overload of pornstar!hopper fics, with different readers and, hell, this is my personal self-indulgent paradise. The Big Jim name was totally inspired by @hopsgirl (thanks, by the way! <3).

I am terrible with names, you should forgive me.

Pairing: retiredpornstar!Hopper x fem!Reader

CW: Mentions of sex and descriptions. Reader is naughty.

You huffed, looking at the kitchen. Most things were in place, and the move was finally over. It took a few days of intense concentration and take-out food, but it was finally over.

You set the coffee machine and decided to be useful and take the trash out.

The first rays of the sun were visible, and the day was just cold enough to be comfortable, even with your nipples pebbled against your tshirt. The trash bags were annoying, but there was this underlying sensation of accomplishing something that made you feel good.

You disposed of the trash bags and took a deep breath. This was the beginning of something in your life. Something good, clean, and better. Healthier.

Less computer, less video games, less porn. More sunlight. Enough feeling like a cave goblin after an earth-shattering orgasm brought by your latest toy and some dirty fanfic. Enough nights watching whole careers in porn with a hand between your legs.

You felt good.

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw some movement; good, neighbors! You turned, a smile on your face, to be greeted with the sexiest image you had ever seen in your life.

He was tall, immensely tall, his shoulders wide. His dirty blonde hair, thinning at the front. The strong chin, covered in overgrown facial hair, long, but just long enough for you to know it is just an unkempt mustache.

He was wearing low-hung blue pajama pants and a light robe, no shirt. No underwear.

You knew every detail of his body, down to the veins on his long, thick cock.

That was Big Jim.

One of your favorite porn actors.

How many times have you watched him manhandle women just like you, keeping them open for the camera, as he ruined them forever, with that monster he called a cock?

You stared, as he turned. He watched you there, frozen, watching him. With a chuckle, he lowered his head a bit, raising his eyebrows amusedly.

You waved, awkwardly, and he waved back. His blue eyes twinkled with mischief as he moved back to his house. One big hand slid down his belly, to absentmindedly caress his cock, as he slowly walked.

How many times have you imagined yourself suckling on the head, swallowing the abundant precome he pulses when he’s aroused?

You quickly went back to the house, not wanting to think of it anymore. Ok, your neighbor was Big Jim, but that didn’t mean anything. You were not going to be the creepy weird neighbor for him. You respected his work.

Oh, god, you respected his work.

You poured yourself some coffee, thinking about how you need to look less stupid the next time you see each other.

***

Jim chuckled, resting against the closed door. It had been a while since he was recognized.

He scratched his cheek, then squeezed his cock.

The kind of people who recognized him these days was always interesting. He wasn’t completely retired, he always picked something if he liked the idea, but he was prolific in his time.

And it was sweet, even when it was weird. The small thrill and the reactions when they understood from where exactly they knew him.

A shy smile from an older lady in a restaurant, a weird high-five from a middle-aged man in a convenience store, the soccer mom unashamedly slipping him her number in the supermarket.

It was always a moment of doubt followed by some thought. Until the right image surfaced, and the realization flashed in people’s eyes. It was a process, and sometimes it happened fast.

But never as fast as you.

You recognized him immediately, your eyes widening. That kind of look, startled and amazed, he only gets from connoisseurs and fans. People usually felt a bit ashamed once the realization hit, but you stood there, awkwardly aroused under the morning sun.

You looked like a little pervert who could provide a ton of fun. And the hunger, so clear in your eyes, made him half hard. He even had to give himself a little squeeze, so he could at least reach the house without tenting his pants. You could help him with his boredom.

Well, he could be a good neighbor and bake you some cookies.

#maycore #mayb writes #hopper smut #jim hopper #jim hopper x reader #jim hopper x fem!reader #pornstar!jimhopper

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munson-blurbs · 2 years

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Welcome to the Family (Dad!Eddie x Mom! Reader)

The baby is here the baby is here THE BABY IS HERE!!!

Warnings: pregnancy, labor, mention of epidural, some language

WC: 2.3k

A/N: Please give me suggestions for Part 5! What do you want to see from the little Munson family?

Part I | Part 2 | Part 3

Taglist: @dylanmunson @tayhar811 @princess-eddie @briasnow-blog @eddielives1986

Baby Munson’s due date is October 25. That morning, you and Eddie wake up—or rather, Eddie wakes up, as you barely slept. Your back is killing you, your feet are aching, and the baby seems to love dancing on your bladder at 4 AM. Your husband kisses your forehead and places a hand on your bump.

“Today’s the day,” his sleepy eyes sparkle. You want to meet his enthusiasm, but you’re too tired, too sore, and to be frank, too cranky.

“Maybe. First babies tend to take their time,” you remind him of what the OB-GYN told you. You shift under the covers, trying to maneuver your way to a sitting position. It’s too much and you start to cry.

Eddie’s used to this by now; between your mood swings and the sheer frustration of being nine months pregnant, you’ve been nothing short of an emotional mess. He wipes the tears from your cheeks and lets you cry.

“It’s okay, sweetheart. Let it out, and I’ll help you up so we can eat some breakfast,” he says softly. “I’m so proud of you for growing this beautiful baby. I just want him or her here with us so you can be comfortable again. And, of course, for all the baby cuddles.”

You smile at the thought of your newborn snuggled up on your chest, or Eddie rocking the baby to sleep while singing a lullaby. There will be no shortage of diapers to change or bottles to warm, but you’re looking at the silver linings: cute little outfits, teeny tiny fingernails, and of course, watching Eddie get to be a dad.

“There’s my favorite smile,” he presses a kiss to your lips. “Ready for some food?”

You nod as he helps you sit up. Taking a deep breath, you prepare yourself to stand. “I feel like I’m 100 years old,” you mutter crossly.

“You’re the sexiest 100-year-old I’ve ever seen,” Eddie teases and you roll your eyes.

The two of you munch on cereal as Eddie gives you a rundown of his day. “I’ll be at the store from 9 to 5, and then I’ll be right home. You need anything, even if you think it might be a false alarm, just call me. All my employees are on standby in case I need a shift covered.”

“Got it. So, don’t have a DIY home birth.” You give him a thumbs-up. “I know the drill, Eds. I’ll be here watching trash TV and eating ice cream like a good pregnant lady.” Your maternity leave started last week, allowing you to stay off your feet.

He flicks your hand and places his own on top of it. “That’s my girl!”

There’s no need to call Eddie that day, or the day after, until it’s Halloween and you’re still pregnant. It falls on a Saturday this year, which means that Eddie is scheduled to work. He’s ambivalent about going in today with you six days overdue, but you brush off his concerns with a wave of your hand.

“At this rate, I don’t think this baby is ever coming out,” you joke, then poke your belly. “You’re too comfy in there!”

“Are you sure?” Eddie asks, his eyes filled with concern.

“Positive. The record store isn’t so far away, and I’ll let you know if I feel even the slightest contraction.” You’re saying this to put his mind at ease, but the truth is, you started feeling some contractions earlier this morning. Your doctor said that contractions don’t necessarily mean labor is happening that day, so you’re waiting until they get closer together.

What Eddie doesn’t know won’t kill him, right?

“Still no baby, Munson?” Steve asks as he and Andy stride into the store for their weekly excursion.

“No baby?” Andy repeats. He’s been speaking in one- to two-word sentences, and his favorite thing to say is…whatever his dad’s just said.

“Sorry, bulldozer,” Eddie reaches over to tickle Andy. “No new cousin for you yet.”

“Y/N must be completely miserable. Nancy was only two days overdue with this guy, and I thought she was gonna bite my head off.”

“If she doesn’t start labor soon, she might kill me,” Eddie sighs. “Last night she started crying because she was angry that I got her pregnant.”

Steve laughs. “Sounds about right.” He puts Andy down, who immediately runs over to a box of cassettes, knocking them over. The tot wails and flops down on the floor.

“Hey, buddy, it’s all good,” Eddie reassures him calmly. “Didja get hurt?” Andy shakes his head. “Ah, just a little scared, then?”

“Scared,” he whimpers, but his crying slows.

“I bet you scared the tapes, too!” Eddie picks up a cassette and talks to it. “Did the big Andy monster attack you?” he scrunches up his nose and Andy laughs through his tears.

“Help Uncle Eddie put them back, okay?” Steve nudges him, and Andy clumsily places the tapes back in the box.

Crisis averted, Eddie thinks. And then the phone rings.

Steve’s eyebrows shoot up as Eddie runs to grab it. “H-hello? I mean, Record Emporium, this is—”

“Eddie, I need you to come home.” His heart soars as he hears your voice on the other end of the line. “I’ve been having contractions, and now they’re 15 minutes apart.”

How does she sound so calm? He wonders silently. “Okay, babe. I’ll let someone know I need my shift covered, and I’ll be home as soon as I can.” His heart races. By this time tomorrow, he could be a father. He could have a little baby sleeping in his arms.

“Drive safely,” you remind him. “Don’t want you getting into an accident. I need you by my side so I can squeeze your hand till it breaks.”

“Okay. I-I will. I love you,” he says before hanging up the phone.

“You good?” Steve calls from across the store, making sure Andy doesn’t cause any more damage.

“Harrington,” Eddie announces, “it’s baby time.”

You wouldn’t mind having a nice, quiet ride to the hospital, a calm before the storm, but Eddie asks you a million questions during the 30-minute drive.

“How are you feeling?”

“Are you okay?”

“Am I driving too fast?”

“Am I driving too slow?”

“Are you having another contraction?”

“What do they, like, feel like?”

“Eddie!” you finally snap, “if you don’t stop asking questions, I will have this baby in the car out of pure spite.” He closes his mouth, and you feel bad. “Why don’t we listen to music?” you suggest kindly, popping in a Black Sabbath cassette.

“Is this music good for the baby?”

“Eddie, I swear to God, I’ll start pushing right now.”

Eddie calms down once you’ve gotten situated in the room and the nurses can tend to you. He plops down in a chair and takes a deep breath. He’s already called your parents and Wayne, all of whom are on their way to meet their grandbaby.

The doctors and nurses talk to you both, keeping you updated on your progress. After you get your epidural, your teeth start to chatter.

“What’s wrong?” Eddie asks, rushing to your side.

“’M cold, Eds,” you whine softly. “Epidural’s making me shiver. ‘S normal, don’t worry.” Still, he asks for another blanket from the next nurse he sees. You’re finally able to rest, the pain of the contractions slightly eased. You can’t get too comfortable because of all the IVs and machines you’re connected to, but it’s certainly better than writhing in pain. You even manage to fall asleep for half an hour before the sound of your doctor’s footsteps wakes you.

“Well, Mrs. Munson, we’ve been at this for nine hours already,” she states, flipping through your chart. “Let’s see how baby’s doing, hmm?”

“I feel...feel like I have to push,” you groan. The contractions are really close together and you don’t know how much longer you can keep going before you pass out from exhaustion.

“Looks like we’re at 10 centimeters!” she announces. Eddie’s pulled his chair up next to you, stroking your hand with his thumb and bringing it to his lips for tender kisses. When he hears what the doctor says, he squeezes tight.

“This is it!” he whispers excitedly. “You’re so brave, sweetheart. I can’t believe you’re doing this. You’re the strongest, most bad-ass person I know.”

You manage a giggle. “I love you, Eddie Munson.”

After an hour of pushing, you’re holding your tiny baby in your arms.

“I’m so happy,” you coo as she lets out a yawn. “Daddy and I are so happy you’re finally here!” You turn to Eddie. He’s physically and emotionally exhausted but grinning from ear to ear.

“I have a daughter,” he says, awestruck. “She’s so perfect. I just…I just don’t get it. How is she so perfect?”

“Beats me. You and I are a mess,” you tease as a nurse knocks on the door.

“Hi there,” she calls softly. “I’ve got some grandparents who would love to see you.” Your parents and Wayne wave from the doorway.

“Come on in,” you say. The adrenaline of labor is quickly wearing off, and you feel yourself in desperate need for a nap. Still, you aren’t going to deny them time with their first grandchild.

Eddie gently takes your daughter into his arms. “I’d like you all to meet Melody Joy Munson,” he announces. “Melody because she is the sweetest music I’ve ever heard, and Joy for—”

“For your mother,” Wayne finishes, tears in his eyes. “She would be so proud of you. Both of you,” he amends, “and she would’ve spoiled the hell out of this little girl.”

You nod, and Eddie adds, “Oh, she would’ve bought her every frilly pink outfit she could find.”

After 10 minutes of newborn snuggles, you start to fall asleep, and the proud grandparents head home. It took some bargaining, but Wayne eventually puts Melody back in her bassinet, but not before promising that he’ll never put her down once she comes home.

You’re asleep for all of 45 minutes before you’re greeted with more guests.

“The Munson family is very popular,” the nurse quips jokingly, and it warms you from the inside out. We’re a family.

Steve and Nancy file in quietly. “Sorry to wake you,” Nancy whispers, “but we just had to meet the baby. We’ll only be a few minutes, I swear.”

“’S’okay,” you reply tiredly, managing a small smile. Eddie puts his hand on your shoulder, a silent I got this, as your friends peer over at your daughter.

“Melody, this is Aunt Nancy and Uncle Steve. They have a son named Andy. We’ll try to keep him from stampeding over you.” Melody stirs but doesn’t cry.

“Such a good baby,” Nancy swoons. “Almost makes me want another one—almost,” she clarifies as she catches Steve’s cocked eyebrow.

“Y/N, Eddie, she’s adorable. I love her already,” Steve puts a hand on Eddie’s back. “Can I hold her?” he asks anxiously. Eddie nods, lifting Melody into Steve’s arms. You take in the sight of your husband and your friend bonding over your baby, and you nearly melt.

Nancy sits next to you. “You get some rest,” she orders gently, offering a kind smile. She’s always looked out for you. “But first,” her voice drops to a whisper, “how did Eddie do during your labor?”

You laugh even though it hurts. “Surprisingly well. I thought I was gonna murder him on the drive over, though. Asking me 14,000 questions while I’m trying to breathe through my contractions.”

“Good. If he passed out or something, I’d kill him myself.” She suddenly looks over at Steve, who nods amidst your confusion.

“We actually have a little surprise,” he says. The door bursts open before he can finish his thought.

“Uncle Dusty’s here!”

Eddie spins around, and you’re grateful he’s already handed Melody to Steve. “Henderson! You’re here!”

Dustin pushes past Eddie and goes straight toward the baby in Steve’s arms. “Lemme see! I don’t believe that Eddie could make a cute kid.”

Eddie ruffles Dustin’s curly hair. “Lucky for you, she looks just like her mom.”

“Holy shit,” Dustin breathes, “Eddie Munson has a daughter.”

“That’s what I said!” Eddie laughs. “So, what, Henderson? You cut class just to see me?”

“No, I cut class just to see her,” Dustin points at Melody. “Actually, I told my professors that I’ll be out for a few days because my brother and sister-in-law just had a baby.” He’s bashful as he says it, but you’re truly touched.

“You wanna hold her?” you ask, and he nods in response. Steve hands the sleeping baby over to Dustin.

“She’s beautiful,” he says, and you can tell he’s choking back tears. “What’s her name?”

“Melody Joy,” you answer, blinking back tears of your own.

“Well, hi there, Melody Joy,” Dustin coos. “I’m gonna be your favorite uncle. And when you get older, I’m gonna teach you all about Dungeons and Dragons. You roll your eyes lovingly as he continues.

“Can I tell you a secret? Your mom and dad are amazing, incredible people. Always looking out for their friends. Who knows where I’d be without your dad taking me under his wing? And who knows where he’d be without your mom making sure he takes care of himself?

“But do you know what the best part about our weird little makeshift family is? You never run out of love. When life beats you down and you feel like you can’t get back up, you have a whole army of people ready to help you. Because we love each other. And we love you, little Melody Joy.

“Welcome to the family.”

#eddie munson #eddie stranger things #eddie x you #eddie x reader #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson x you #eddie munson x female reader #eddie munson x f!reader #dad!eddie munson x mom!reader #dad!eddie munson #eddie munson stranger things #stranger things #stranger things fanfic #fanfic #dad!eddie series

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oh-surprise-its-me · 7 months

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So Roy and Jamie have been dating for about a month when Roy starts feeling insecure about why Jamie is with him.

Roy notices how these gorgeous men keep flirting with him but Jamie is just friendly with them.

Maybe he picks a fight and Jamie tells him that he could be wearing a trash bag and Roy would be the sexiest thing Jamie has ever seen.

Like when Roy smiles, Jamie gets woozy. Roy is EVERYTHING Jamie has ever wanted and he absolutely lets him know it.

AGH YEAH

They’re in the bathroom, brushing their teeth when it happens. Roy can’t help himself but ask.

“Why stay with me Jamie? I know you joke I’m old but I am. My knees are fucked. My wrist clicks when I bend it forward. I’m not a supermodel, never was. I’m angry.”

Jamie’s mouth dropped open a few seconds ago. Horribly unattractive. He spits the toothpaste out and tosses his brush into the sink. Roy can only watch out of the corner of his eye.

Jamie takes Roys toothbrush out of his mouth and tosses it in the sink as well. “Spit.”

Roy blinks at him. He obeys.

Jamie yanks him into a kiss so hard it hurts. He holds on until they’re both gasping for air. Jamie has his hands tangled in Roy’s hair. He tugs gently while talking.

“All of those things are what make you mine. I want you Roy. No one else. You in the mornings with the light coming across the room and onto your back makes me want to cry. When you can admit your knee hurts enough that you want a lift up the stairs. Roy you could wear a bloody hat and garbage bag for the rest of your life and I’d still want you.”

Roy can only blink away the tears that started in his eyes. Oh he was dumb. “Jamie I love you.” Suddenly it’s like the sun came out. Jamie’s grin is blinding, “love you more.”

Jamie pulls Roy until they’re back in the bedroom. “Time for me to show you how much I love you?” He says it with such the puppy eyes that Roy can only sigh and agree. “Go crazy baby.”

Jamie bounces up to give him another kiss before shoving Roy back into the bed.

#ted lasso #jamie tartt #roy kent #royjamie #jamie x roy #roy x jamie #roy kent x jamie tartt #mac writes ted lasso

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flametrashiraarchive · 9 months

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But for realsies, if I were to write fanfic of sexiest ninja, Speed-o-sound Sonic, would anyone be interested in that? Because I am absolute trash for him

#if villain bad why hot #why cutie patootie #why'd they draw him like this if not to test me?#i would commit crimes with him #speed o sound sonic

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chryblossomjjk · 1 year

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bts fic recommendations | 01.10.23

→ hi friends! this is a little segment i do every tuesday (reviewsday get it, aren't i funny, pls tell me how funny i am) where i read and review two-three fics. as a content creator, i know how big of a role other creators play in your growth, therefore, i want to do my part in making sure everyone gets the recognition they deserve! so with that being said, please check out the amazing fics listed below. make sure to like, reblog, and leave feedback! ♡ #reviewsday #kikirecs

pina coladas (pt 1 + pt 2) - @han-nah-banana (jjk x reader | established relationship, smut, angst, fluff)

ok so um... the attention to detail is off the charts! like when the little things you mention about jungkook and oc, like them eating healthy foods, only having sex in the missionary position, etc. tells us so much about them and the status of their relationship. like you showed us that they were stuck in a boring, mundane relationship through little hints and i really love that. ALSO POV SHIFT IN PART ONE WAS SO GOOD! like the way their thoughts mirrored one another was such good storytelling ugh!!! also think you picked a great setting for this type of story, the 80s. it makes everything feel so real, like the sexual repression oof! so glad they got to bang it out in the sexiest way in pt 2! really really good for your first fanfic like WOW! loved it!

i can do better - @here4btsfics (pjm x reader | fwb, smut)

summary: your boyfriend of two years just dumped you and you’re angry and sad. so get hammered with your coworker at his place and eat bad food and watch trash tv which leads to some interesting conversations.

bro all you did is enforce my delusions that irl men cannot compete bc they are not park jimin. men should apologize for not being park jimin at this point. even kim taehyung... anywho lmao. DUDE and then oc listing all the things perfect about jimin. she is just like me fr!!! also like this is kind of how i picture jimin in real life ngl. THAT MAN IS A COCKY CONFIDENT DOM I WILL ARGUE THIS SHIT UNTIL IM BLUE IN THE FACE GTFO! and miss oc... no strings attached girl??? A WHOLE BLUFF. honestly, this entire fic is one of my daydreams when im in a lecture and i fucking loved every second of it bby! so so good. so glad you decided to start writing again, extremely proud of you.

darksided - @eoieopda (myg x reader | established relationship, smut)

summary: min yoongi adored you. he'd simply never hurt you.

i saw someone post about smut where the characters are so grossly in love is their fav genre. this is exactly that. this fic encompasses everything i love in fanfic. i felt like a fly on the wall, being dropped into the middle of the situation where i figure out who the characters are through their actions, words, etc. you do that so perfectly here. like the way i know everything i need to know about min yoongi through the FUCKING setting?? naur this is s tier writing right here. also there's just something you do with words thats v magical. can't put my finger on exactly what it is but here is an example:

"a quick survey of the landscape before you indicated that this was a criminal oversimplification."

LIKE IDK JUST SOMETHING ABOUT HOW YOU STRUCTURE SENTENCES IS GENIUS! like cannot even begin to describe how good this was. would die for this couple honestly. the smut had me clenching too OOF. so cool to see what you've accomplished on this platform in such a short period of time! it's so so deserved and i can't wait to see where you go from here. don't know how you can even get better than this like ur already at the moon um!!! but god it's only going to get better from here. like next thing u know u'll be a famous writer fr. wishing you nothing but the fucking best!!!!

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pokenimagines · 2 years

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NSFW fic - Raihan & Leon x reader

Okay you asked for smexy stuff right?? Here it comes- may I have a little fic about a threensome where the reader is kinda tipsy and admits they like it rough?

(not sure if I need to specify the gender, in which case it would be preferably fem, but I know you write for everyone so yeah! Tysm for that)

Have a good one!

Just remember kids to drink responsibly and consent is the sexiest thing alive. When reading this there's an AFAB and AMAB version for the smut. Once you read the version you want there's a small aftercare portion that's back to being gender neutral. As always pronouns are They/Them to keep things inclusive for the entire fic.

Y'all this one is just chefs kiss! Like god DAMN!

Discord (16+) - Request Information

Warning: This is NSFW so if you’re under the legal age or uncomfortable with content like this, please skip over this one!

NSFW Leon and Raihan: Kinky

Honestly you had absolutely no recollection of the events that happened that night. All you knew is there was a party for all the 18+ members of the Pokémon league to celebrate another successful gym season. Then you started drinking. Then you managed to wake up on a set of stairs three blocks from your apartment, missing a shoe and a half flask of rum tucked into your underwear.

When you managed to get home and finally get your hangover under control, you looked through your phone for images and videos you took. You had to take a moment to breath and noticed you had been hanging out with both Raihan and Leon most of the night, if the images were anything to go by. Raihan looked about as trashed as you but Leon looked only a little buzzed.

Then you saw a notification on your phone; the group chat the three of you made eons ago.

Rai: So we gonna talk about last night? Lee: You actually remembered? Rai: Hard to forget something like that. You: Am I missing something? Lee: Well looks like someone doesn't remember. You: I don't remember last night at all. Also why did you guys let me fall asleep on a set of stairs: Rai: We took you to your apartment? How'd you end up on stairs? Lee: We literally tucked you into bed. You: I was two blocks away from my house so doubt. Rai: I mean... Rai: You aren't the best at staying in place when drunk. Lee: True You: Whatever... now what exactly did I do last night anyway? Rai: For starters you basically gave us your entire kink list. Lee: And told us how you liked it rough. Rai: And how you've been wanting us to tag team you since forever. You: I...

To say you were mortified would be the understatement of the century. The rest of your day went by in a complete blur of headaches, upset stomachs, and embarrassment. By the time you felt ready to face the consequences of your actions the group chat had blown up. Both Raihan and Leon apologizing and said they'd forget it if that's what you wanted. However something caught your attention in the blocks of texts the boys sent.

An offer.

To do the one thing you had been dreaming of forever that apparently drunk you had no issue telling them. That you wanted them to both absolutely destroy you at the same time. You didn't know how to respond so you did the only thing you could.

Set a date and time.

That led you to your current predicament. You were on your knees with Raihan's hand roughly holding your head in place, his cock shoved down your throat as far as it could go. Meanwhile Leon was behind you, fucking you roughly and using a bruising grasp on your hips. Whenever you let out a whine or shifted, hell even bucking up into him, you received a harsh slap on your ass.

"Damn, they look amazing like this." Raihan moaned, pulling out his phone to snapping as photo. When he asked you earlier if it was okay you weren't sure, but after he assured you it would be for personal use you obliged. You knew you had to be an absolute mess right now, drool and tears streaming down your face.

Raihan roughly pulled you from his cock and you gasped for air while also moaning out loud as Leon wrapped his hand around to your front to play with you some more.

"They look even better from back here." Leon said, his hips snapping into yours causing you to jolt forward into Raihan's weeping cock. Some precum got smeared onto your cheek, only adding to the mess on your face.

AFAB

"Think they can take both our cocks at once?" Raihan questioned, wanting to fuck into your holes.

"They did say they wanted us to wreck them, isn't that right sweetheart." Leon's voice had already been deep before, but in the throws of passion it someone began huskier and dark. Your walls clenched against Leon's cock, causing him to stutter out a gasp. "Fuck, feels like they like it." Leon said, slipping his cock out of your entrance.

"How's that sound, babe? Want both our cocks stuffed inside your holes?" Raihan said, moving hair out of your face so you could see him better. You blinked through teary eyes and nodded slightly. You yelped as a harsh palm slapped against your ass.

"Words, we told you to use your words before we got started." Leon reprimanded and you nodded.

"P-please." You whimpered out.

"Please what?" Raihan said, placing two fingers on your swollen lower lip and pulling at it a bit.

"Please fuck both my holes." You said, leaning into the touch. Your mouth opened up as you went to suck on his fingers, wetting them for him.

"Lee, flip them over so I can work their ass open." Raihan said and Leon was quick to listen. If you were in the right state of mind, you'd find it almost amusing how Raihan was basically in charge here. Sure Leon was dominant as well but whatever Raihan said went.

You were laying on your back and Leon ran his hand over your chest, pinching your nipples and making you squeal out. As the same time Raihan began working one finger into your ass. You gasped out a moan, already being overstimulated from coming ten times over at this point. Still as he managed to get two then eventually three fingers in and the sensation was turning more pleasurable.

You whimpered as you felt him take out his fingers, suddenly feeling empty. You looked over with half lidded eyes as Raihan put on a condom and poured some lube into his hands.

"Lee, do you want the front of the back?" Raihan asked as if you weren't even in the room.

"I think you should get to feel their cunt, it's amazing." Leon's crass words made you flush from embarrassment.

"Lift them up then and hold their legs apart. You go in first and once they're used to your size I'll join." Raihan said as he tossed the bottle of lube to Leon. With how much slick was on his condom from fucking you, you almost didn't think he'd need it. Still he put some on before lifting you up with sticky hands. He moved your legs apart so Raihan would have an amazing view and you thanked the stars these boys worked out all the time. How Leon was able to hold you up like a rag doll as his cock slowly went into your ass was astounding.

You bit down on your lower lip, trying not to cry out as his cock breached your entrance. He slowly slid himself down onto you, groaning at how tight and warm you were. Once you were hilted on Leon, Raihan came over and helped calm you down by rubbing your thighs.

It took a few moments before you were able to give them the okay to move. Leon started off gently fucking you before picking up the speed. Every time he lifted you up you felt Raihan's cock rubbing against your clit. You moved your head back onto Leon's shoulders as you tried to not get overwhelmed.

Raihan looked over at Leon and put a hand up, making him stop, "You ready for my cock, babe?" Raihan said as he pressed just the head of his cock into you. You moaned, trying to buck up into him and take him already.

You quickly remembered what they said and spoke up, "I'm ready. Please Rai...I wanna f-feel you." You stuttered out a moan.

"Whatever you want." He said before slowly sliding into you. Raihan could feel Leon's cock between your walls and bit back a groan as he hilted himself into you. He held some of your weight with his hands on your ass while Leon still gripped your thighs to hold them apart. Raihan locked eyes with you before leaning in to give you a bruising kiss. You whimpered as he bit down on your lip and you could feel Leon's mouth on your neck, leaving more love bites all over your skin like a constellation.

Raihan was the first one to begin moving and soon Leon and him found a rhythm together. As soon as one left the other one joined in, making sure you were never empty. You felt yourself cum again, squeezing both their cocks in a death grip.

Leon was the first to cum, biting down on your shoulder and you were pretty sure he drew blood. His hips stuttered against your own and Raihan had to hold you in place so he wouldn't slip right out of you. You felt Leon's cock finally come out and Raihan quickly shoved your against a wall. You yelped in surprise as the change as well as only being filled with one cock now.

Raihan managed to hold you up with one hand while the other was balled into a fist against the wall by your head. He was panting against you, his face inches away from your own. You went and wrapped your arms around his neck and could feel another orgasm washing over you. This is what finally threw Raihan over the edge as he came in you. He took a moment to recollect himself, his cock sliding out and he was quick to take the condom off and tie it off, tossing it off to the side.

AMAB

"I'd love to see it, wanna change our positions. Make them ride you reverse cowgirl." Raihan said, pinching your cheek teasingly. You groaned at him but felt Leon's cock sliding out of your ass and positioning you to a seating position.

You let out a small whine as his cock went back into you and you could feel the cool lube that he no doubt reapplied. These boys really used way too much but you were grateful they weren't hurting you like that.

Your mouth dropped into a, 'O' as Leon began making you ride him. Your eyes were still teary from the sensations and honestly you thought after coming three times they'd show mercy but obviously they were going for as many orgasms as you could take.

Raihan's large hand wrapped around your cock, his thumb sliding across the slit and collecting some precum. You gasped and moved your hand to bite down on it, trying to stifle some of your noises. Raihan's grip on your cock got tighter to almost hurting and you winced in reply.

"No covering your mouth, I want to hear all of your noises." Raihan said as he leaned closer. You felt his hands over your chest, grazing your nipples. They hardened under his touch and you took your hand away, opting to put it on the back of his neck.

"S-Sorry. T-trying not to upset the n-neighbors FUCK!" You shouted the end as Raihan went and bit down on one of your nipples. A small bite mark surrounded the areola and you shot him a half-hearted glare as he kissed it.

Leon, obviously annoyed at you forgetting about him, took you almost all the way off his cock before slamming you back down. His grip on your thighs were so tight you knew damn well there would be bruises all over it.

"I think we've disturbed them about five hours ago when we started." Leon chuckled from behind you. You felt his scruff against your neck as he left little pecks and hickies all across you.

"They're so not g-gonna let me resign this lease." You complained, knowing your neighbors would no doubt be complaining about this noise disturbance.

"It's fine, you can move in with either of us. We won't care." Raihan said as he began pumping your cock. You bit your lip as you tried not to voice your opinion on that. As much as you'd love to, the thoughts of the tabloids finding out as terrifying.

You watched as Raihan went over to the nightstand and grabbed a bullet vibrator he had used on you earlier. You swallowed a lump in your throat at the thought of that on your already overstimulated cock.

Raihan walked back over and sat closer, almost on Leon's legs. His cock tapped against your own as he switched the vibrator to life. It was at a fairly calm setting as he put it on your two dicks, holding them together as the vibrations cause a broken moan to erupt from your mouth.

"F-fuck it's too much." You cried out as Leon continued his brutal pace. You were shaking at this point and your eyes rolled to the back of your head as you came on both yours and Raihan's chest.

"Fuck Lee, you should see their face." Raihan said as he got out his phone and took a photo of you experiencing ecstasy like it was the first time. Your body was twitching against their own as the vibrator almost burned with the sensation. Your cock was softening but the sensations were still going. You heard Leon groan from beneath you, his movements going erratic as he came inside the condom in your ass.

You bit back tears as Raihan finally took away the vibrator and let you calm down for a moment. Both you and Leon took a moment to calm down before Lee was slipping his cock out of your ass. You thought you were done until you saw Raihan's still hard cock. He hadn't cum just yet and smiled.

"As soon as I come we'll be done, okay?" Raihan said and you weakly nodded. You had no idea how much more you could take but god damn you wanted to try.

Leon got up from the bed as Raihan picked you up and all but tossed you over the nightstand. He bent you over and kicked your legs apart so you were presented to him nicely. You could see him grabbing one of the condoms from next to your head as well as the bottle of lube. Thanks to Leon, it wasn't hard for Raihan to slip inside of your warm ass.

Raihan groaned alongside you as he felt your walls fluttering around his length, "Can't believe I let Lee have you first." Raihan said as he began thrusting into you. He grabbed your hair from the back and pulled you back, wanting to see your face. You had to almost roll your eyes all the way back to see him.

Your mouth was hanging open as a chorus of moans broke through the room. Your poor cock was already getting half hard and Raihan's other hand went to the front of you as he began stroking your length in time with his thrusts.

You had no idea how you managed to cum again, splattering the nightstand with what little seed you had left; it had almost been a completely dry orgasm. Raihan hissed at how tight you got as be came as well, riding it out hard and fast. As soon as he came down from his high he rested his head in the crook of your back, catching his breath.

After (No Gender)

"Holy shit." You managed to say as he changed your position so you were being held bridal style.

"You stole the words right out of my mouth." Leon said as he came into the room with some warm towels. He must've taken then time to get ready for clean up. Raihan laid you out on the bed as Leon came over and started wiping you down.

"Think we could do that again sometime?" Raihan asked, sighing as he sat down on the bed next to you.

"Depends...are you guys staying the night to cuddle me?" You asked in all seriousness.

"Fuck you and leave? Who do you take us for. Besides my muscles are crying out." Raihan said, flopping down to lay, "Couldn't get me off this bed even if you tried."

"I don't have plans tomorrow so we can sleep in too. I'm with Raihan I need some rest." Leon said, tossing the towels away and scooping you up and moving you further up on the bed. He laid next to you and Raihan was quick to scoot up and wrap his arms around your waist. Your head was facing Leon's chest and one of his arms was under your head. Both curled into you and you felt their lips on your shoulder blade and cheek.

"Good, because I think we're all sore at this point. Night boys." You murmured, already feeling sleep taking you.

"Night." They both said in unison before you all managed to drift off into a peaceful rest.

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identity-theft-101 · 8 days

Note

Spilled milk of a DnD character? Well I am intrigued, how is he like spilled milk?

Hes just like the added old man to ever.

FRANK MY BELOVED MESS OF A MAN-

anyway:

FRANK THE BARBARIAN BUGBEAR EVERYONE!!

Hes 40 years old, having a midlife crisis, and his Ex-Wife Shyrl took the kid the cat and everything

He doesn't have clothes (the dm has offered me the option but Frank will not buy pants ♡)

He had absolutely no money until a magic rat bit his companion (a 9yr old looking Elf girl who also had no money) and magically gifted them money

Frank met the Elf in a trash bin btw

Frank wants to be a bard, but his singing and lute playing is canonically so bad he killed his elderly neighbor with the sound (which is why shyrl SAID she divorced him, I think it is a lie and she divorced him to be evil instead)

His lute is stolen and also his club, he rolls at disadvantage to play the lute

-2 intelligence, he has no preception

+4 charisma, basically the sexiest Bigfoot ever

His cat Steve (that his ex wife stole) popped up in the campaign and im pretty sure he's an eldritch God of some sort

Canonical has a fear of large bodies of water after nearly drowning 5 minutes after meeting his Elf companion

Thought said 9 year old Elf was going to eat him, for 4 hours

Has canonically eaten a cursed rock. DM can roll to make Frank poop himself and fail a strength check.

Has canonically asked his Elf companion if she carried Human bones and if he could eat one

Canonically had a Tuna can fez that he lost in the near drowning incident

Assisted in starting a forest fire, did not stop it

Was canonically in a gay criminal gang as a teen

Frank has a daughter named Mimsey that he hasn't seen in 5 years since the divorce, Mimsey is 9 years old like the Elf companion

Shyrl was an Elf and Mimsey a half Elf (dnd party helped me decide that)

Frank has attempted to steal a magic tent

Frank has eaten everything he has killed in campaign

Everyone associated in his teen crime gay gang has not recognized him and he lost potential npc clues

Frank once argued he should be given a discount on a book because it was bloody and becuase he couldn't read the language it was in

Subconsciously treats his Elf companion as a daughter, (he named her Sprout since she didn't have a name)

Somehow bumped into another bugbear, 17 y/o, Frank is now a single divorced dad of 2. Send help.

Once walked onto a boat and the crew was too afraid to kick him off until they were on the next continent

Has not showered in 3 months

Consistently rolls 1-4 or 16-20, no in betweens

#dnd #dnd character

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charliespringverse · 8 months

Text

iwbft — wednesday: a brief summary of my annotations

all highlighted quotes: 89

· ouch/ow/owie: 7

· real/felt/relatable/so true: 4

· aroace: 1

· ☹/☹☹/☹☹☹: 4

I didn't find anything, but that doesn't mean nothing was there. — rpf shippers looking for proof

What's the point in being in The Ark if we're going to get stalked, harassed, have photographs leaked, privacy stolen, and never, ever be at peace? — read peace (part 3 in the folklore trilogy) by @ treacherousdoctors on ao3 xxx

I showed her the picture of Jimmy as my lock screen. I talked to her about Jowan. She probably thinks I'm absolute fandom trash. — UR GETTING THERE QUEEN KEEP GOING

You're not just doing this to try to meet The Ark, right?? Because you won't meet them. — foreshadowing innit

[...] the three boys who have kept me alive for the past four years. — this whole thing RLLY fucks w my head like . am i too autistic to fathom the idea of strangers being solely responsible for ur life & wellbeing or is it Weird

The fans gave us everything we have. I love them. I love the fans. — who are you trying to convince jimothy

Lister... I don't remember what Lister did. — HHHHHHHH 𖨆𖨆 𖨆 AGAIN

I look down and realise there's blood splattered all down my pyjama shorts and on my legs. I laugh. Why've I got blood all over me? What the fuck. — depersonalisation (note: this is double underlined)

The blood falls, with a soft 'plip', onto the table. Almost indiscernible from the rain falling outside. — pathetic fallacy babeyyy

'I miss home,' I say. He looks confused. 'We are home?' 'No, we're not,' I say. — AGONY

Part of me knows it's what God wants. It's the good thing, and the right thing, to help someone in a horrible situation. But another part of me knows that this is because of The Ark. Because I fucking live to serve them too. — mmmmmm

'I think we're your only dating options.' 'Rowan's straight.' 'Oh. Just me, then.' I whack him on the arm and we both laugh. — ☹ he means it

We don't ever talk about deep stuff, me and Lister Bird. — TRY (note: this is all caps, huge, and double underlined)

He was voted number one in this year's Glamour's 100 Sexiest & Hottest Men, MTV's 50 Sexiest Men Alive, and HerInterest's 100 Hottest Men in the World, all of which it was finally acceptable for him to qualify for, since he's over eighteen now. — creepy!

'Why else would anyone want to be around me?' he says. 'I'm Lister Bird. Why else would anyone want to be around me other than to get with me?' — ouchie mr bird !!!!!

Bliss raises her eyebrows at him. 'Is the word you're looking for "gay"? It ain't poisonous. — bliss laicon

#iwbftreread #i'm in early this time!

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tomboyjessie13 · 1 year

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I just went to an online article regarding Jojo because I misread the article title as "sexiest trash fire", yes I am that kind of person. But the article actually read "sexist trash fire" and backed out immediately.

Like I know the series is a shounen and it has issues like every other anime I enjoy but come on man, I ain’t about to ruin my evening over it.

#jessie speaks

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liminal-zone · 1 year

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Fanfic roundup 2022

(2021 round up)

LIST OF FANWORKS

Posted:

dependence (The Matrix | Neo/Trinity | codependency | rated NR)

See your enemy (The Matrix | Neo/Trinity, Trinity+Smith | the one that got away | rated M)

But mine is as hungry as the sea (LOTR | Galadriel/Sauron | a millennia of dreams | rated E)

i’d like to hold her head underwater (LOTR | Galadriel/Sauron | kissin’ and makin’ oaths| rated M)

That’s the whole ice cream cone (LOTR RPF | Charlie/Morfydd | scholarship is sexy | rated M) (ao3 locked)

Crave (LOTR | Galadriel/Sauron | tentacles | rated E) (wip to update v soon)

WIPs:

LOTR: an earnest take on the celeborn custody battle crack (posting soon)

LOTR: Dark Galadriel and the dyad rings - teases here

LOTR: healing generational trauma with fourth age Arwen and her peepaw

The Matrix: Trinity and Smith as mirrors - tease here

MCU: the final conclusion of my winterbaron sugar daddy fic

MCU: a full horror Time Variance Authority Trash Party with stucky rising

Total number of completed works/fandoms written in: six completed works in 2022 for a total of just over 15k words; two for The Matrix, three for LOTR, and one RPF.

OVERALL THOUGHTS: What a strange year! The Matrix fics were essentially remixes and the LOTR fics were essentially a fever dream zeitgeist high. I wish that I could have a more steady creative process???? But I’m very proud of the creative work this year and the madness I felt in writing these fics.

PERSONAL FAVORITE: The moment in “I’d like to hold her head underwater” where Galadriel has a fantasy of fucking Halbrand into a dying Sauron’s armored body. “And wonderfully, exquisitely, she feels that weak dark spirit shamed at the ignominy of this dark choice.” FUCKING A, LIZZEN.

MOST UNDERAPPRECIATED: I actually feel quite happy with the appreciation I received for all of my fics this year. The kudos may be low on The Matrix ones but my matrix fam had wonderful things to say about them. Britomart keeps tagging me in a discord server as she introduces folk to “See your enemy”, the best. Crave could use more love but LET’S BE REAL. CRAVE COULD DESERVE A FUCKING NEXT CHAPTER, YA COCK TEASE.

MOST POPULAR: “But mine is as hungry as the sea” by every metric. It’s incredible, do NOT get me wrong, I love the shit out of this fic, it truly was a demon I had to exorcize into gorgeous words and tragic romantic angst – BUT it’s popular bcs I gamed the zeitgeist timing LETTUCE BE QUITE REAL. In my old age, I’m very wise to the methodologies of fic popularity. XX

STORY WITH THE SEXIEST MOMENT: So, what I love the best about “But mine is as hungry as the sea” is that I couldn’t have Gal and Hal talk to each other if at the VERY least he was finger banging her. AT THE VERY LEAST. Like. My parody version of that fic is them having benign boring conversations as he’s three fingers in and she’s lost count of how much she’s come. Second place is the same fic where I talk about her being sticky and him shaking BECAUSE I AM TRASH (affectionate).

MOST FUN STORY TO WRITE: The posted chapter of Crave was such a fun time. The bulk of it just flowed out of me in like an HOUR. I just love monsterfucking and a woman who is AS HUNGRY AS THE SEA. It just had so much delicious promise. UGHHH, so much fun.

HARDEST: Hahahahahaha the unposted finish to Crave. What have I done. Writing a kink with specific tropes for a pairing where I am resistant to those tropes being used with them? HAHAHAHAH. WHAT AM I DOING. (I’ll make it work and people will like it or they won’t!).

BIGGEST SURPRISE: Having the exact same fever dream zeitgeist high while writing like I did after TLJ in December 2017. I thought that was like a cocaine high and I’d never feel it again. I THOUGHT I WAS DEAD INSIDE. (I’m back to being a little dead inside so…. that’s…….. fun for me and my therapist.) (WORKING ON IT.)

DID YOU TAKE ANY RISKS IN WRITING THIS YEAR? Writing the first RPF fic for The Rings of Power. NEW LOTRPS JUST DROPPED, BAYBEEEE. It was initially locked, but then I opened it back up because I was like, “this fandom can behave with rpf, right?” Hahaha, nah bro, so it’s locked up again and I’m unlikely to write another (until there’s new irl canon i guess?).

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY TELLING STORY: Y’all here know how I feel about Charlie’s Sauron scholarship, so you can’t be surprised that I have Morfydd jump him immediately after she learns about it. SHRUG!

FAVORITE LINES/SCENES: Honestly, the entire tease for the Trinity + Groff!Smith. Fucking brilliant work. “I accept your terms,” she says. “I didn’t make any,” he says, weak. “Exactly,” she replies.

2023 WRITING AMBITIONS: Write more steadily and consistently. Get back into the drabble mode. Make time, take time, just do it. It doesn’t have to be groundbreaking, it just has to be creating something. The joy of creation is like nothing else. Chase that high.

#lizzen fic #text post #about fic

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leejeann · 2 years

Text

I am not immune to being Undertale trash in 2022 so of course I’m watching Tubbo’s vod playing it for the first time and so far my favorite things are like:

seeing Flowey and yelling “Oh that’s SO CUTE” and then Flowey tries to murder him like a minute later

“Wait I know this song what is it? *couple minutes later* OH It’s the ranboo lore song isn’t it? Oh, Dream SMP”

“Tortellini”

(also he didn’t kill her by accident as many first-time players do, which is always a plus lol)

And then the thing that finally made me pause it to post this: Creepy shadowing figure walks up behind him and he’s like “It’s a little gremlin thing *figure is revealed to be Sans* OH MY GOD!! IT’S THE- IT’S TH- 🎵BUHBUH DUH BUP🎵- IT’S THE GUY! IT’S THE GUY!!”

Bonus: “Didn’t Sans get voted like, what was it, Tumblr sexyman of the year? Was that Sans? Oh my god it’s the Tumblr’s sexiest man of the year”

#this is great lol #lee speaks #tubbo #undertale

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lord-squiggletits · 1 year

Note

TF ask meme:

19. A character you love that no one else seems to

21. A pairing you love that no one else seems to

37. Least favorite TF universe(s)

38. How did you get into transformers

19. A character you love that no one else seems to

IDW Optimus hands down, although the longer I spend in the fandom the more people I find who understand and love him as he deserves, so the feeling isn't as lonely and annoying as it used to be. :)

Mmmm but who's a different character I love that no one else seems to? Maybe Pyra Magna (IDW1) because non-MTMTE characters in general don't get a lot of recognition, and I think her CONCEPT was really interesting plus she's hands-down the sexiest female TF of all time.

I think Impactor would qualify? It's not that he's widely and unjustly hated (like IDW OP) or ignored (like IDW Pyra Magna), but I don't see a lot of posts that are focused on Impactor or anyone who has a deep attachment to him? He shows up a lot in Wreckers-related fanart but mostly in action things, not a whole lot of character meta. I'm not insane over Impactor like I am with others, but I'm definitely emotionally attached to him and don't see hardly anyone else who feels Emotions (TM) over him.

21. A pairing you love that no one else seems to

Not sure I have an answer for this, because although I do have my fair share of rarepairs, I've managed to find niches for most all of them (or am not invested enough in them to be sad about how rare they are).

37. Least favorite TF universe(s)

Can't really say I've consumed the most TF universes compared to other people, and the main reasons I have "least favorites" are mostly due to the fandom than anything else.

I think my least favorite might be TFA purely because of how trash some of the takes on Optimus are (uwu sad baby twink who's so depressed and everyone abuses him and he's so scared and full of anxiety and needs a big strong bot to show him how the Autobots are evil and he deserves love!!111!!!!!), but also because.... Well, the show itself was really good, but a lot of the "deep and dark" lore is pretty much entirely contained in side material and includes some stuff that you would literally not have a clue about just from watching TFA. And due to some past fandoms I was in, my #1 media pet peeve is that I HATE when the shows make you buy supplementary material that completely retcons/recontextualizes the story instead of just putting that new story information IN THE ACTUAL STORY!!!

So yeah, TFA to me is a good show, but as far as how "deep" it is I think it's severely overrated and a lot of the common fanon takes about it are really annoying anyways.

38. How did you get into transformers

Reading Victory Condition by astolat because some friends of mine from my job at the time linked it in the group chat. I was bored and alone in my room one night and decided to click on the link they put in chat (they aren't TF fans, it was just from some podcast thing) and read it.

#squiggle answers

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kammartinez · 6 months

Text

I seem to find a reason to go to CVS several times a week. Sometimes these reasons are medical, but much of the time, I am tracking down some household item or another—especially when I need something faster than it can be delivered, or I don’t want to be party to the low-level violence of same-day delivery, and I don’t feel like subjecting myself to the psychic keelhauling of a Target run. There is a unique air of desperation to most CVS locations. This is probably because CVS, as a health-care company stapled to a convenience store chain, blends the special emotional terroirs of the hospital and the gas station snack aisle. It could also be because the stores are often seriously understaffed, presumably in part due to the corporation’s recent move to slash pharmacy hours at thousands of locations. The decor is what you might call austerity-core. It is both corporate-loud (garish displays of next season’s decorations) and minimalist-clinical (pilled gray carpeting, fluorescent lights). People in pain and in search of relief, people picking up the prescriptions they need to live, and people who really want a soda all stalk the aisles.

The one unalloyed delight of CVS, though, is the soundtrack. One of the first things you notice once you start paying attention to the in-store music is how much whoever is in charge of programming loves Rod Stewart. “If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, come on, sugar, tell me so,” Rod demands as you ponder the locked cases of flu medicine. “Young hearts, be free tonight,” Rod bellows while you compare the prices of soap. Sometimes he hides behind an additional layer of mediation, as in Sheryl Crow’s version of “The First Cut Is the Deepest,” a song also notably covered by Rod. These are not the sexiest Rod songs. In fact, they are the songs where he sings from a place of impotence or regret. His lover threatens to crush him; she is too impossible to talk to; love will tear them apart. Like the shoppers whose attention the in-store loudspeaker announcements periodically try to seize, she is to be guilted, cajoled.

Big feelings reign on the CVS soundtrack. Sometimes they are overheated. Other times they are gushy, like the Sixpence None the Richer cover of “There She Goes,” the heroin anthem by the La’s, jacked up a treacly minor third from the original. (There are lots of covers on the playlist.) The emoting has a tendency to ambush you. Earlier this week I was picking up trash bags when, all of a sudden, I heard the distinctive plunk-plink-plunk-plink-plunk-plink-plunk-plink of the sad-sack opening guitar riff to “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol. The song depicts a couple, secure, or maybe trapped, in a bubble of self-sufficiency: “We don’t need anything or anyone.” While Rod sometimes sounds like he is delivering his come-ons with a campy wink, “Chasing Cars” contains no prophylactic against its own sentimental excess. It is an almost unbearable song to hear in CVS, regardless of the circumstances that bring you into the store. “If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lay with me and just forget the world?” the chorus goes. Here?

The basic experience of shopping at CVS is one of doing something desperate at worst and banally unpleasant at best while swimming in a warm bath of muted musical intensity. No other retail chain is so committed to the power ballad as a musical form. A Spotify playlist of “CVS BANGERS,” apparently sourced from hard-won knowledge, features a stacked lineup: Foreigner’s “I Want to Know What Love Is”; Cutting Crew’s “(I Just) Died in Your Arms Tonight”; the Cars’ “Drive”; Toto’s still-inescapable “Africa.” One song on that playlist that I absolutely have heard in my local store is Paula Cole’s “Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?”—the nineties adult-alternative equivalent of a power ballad, a spoken/sung tale of a marriage crumbling under the weight of too much gender. Some philosophers claim that the emotions artworks evoke are really “pseudo emotions”; we feel them at one degree of remove. I can think of no better support for this thesis than the experience of listening to Paula Cole in CVS. The hopes of young love, the disappointments of middle age, the curdling resentment that ensues: I feel some inkling of it all. But mostly I’m just tapping my foot as I wait to pick up my prescription.

If you spend enough time shopping at CVS and listening to CVS-inspired playlists, you may begin to wonder if some rogue programmer is introducing subversive material into the mix. One Kinks song in the rotation tells of local cultural institutions being turned into supermarkets, and then parking lots. Domestic frustrations figure prominently. On the subreddit dedicated to the store, where overworked employees compare notes, one of the most discussed and most reviled songs is Mary Chapin Carpenter’s very nineties cover of Lucinda Williams’s “Passionate Kisses.” It’s a song about wanting more than the basic necessities—in other words, more than convenience store stuff. The chorus is a question: “Shouldn’t I have all of this, and passionate kisses from you?” Desperation creeps in as the song lopes along. The last verse finds the singer shouting, “Give me what I deserve, ‘cause it’s my right.” The consensus among CVS veterans seems to be that all this is “vapid and irritating,” if unintentionally funny at times. One employee reports that a coworker with an unrequited crush on her manager stares wistfully at the object of her affection for the duration of the song whenever it comes on. Another shares a vignette: “I vividly remember being violently hungover on a cold winter morning in New England, passionate kisses playing loudly in the background as someone’s grandma slowly searched her purse for coupons, fluorescent lights inescapable as I prayed for a swift end to my existence. Hell is real and I’ve lived it.”

Hell is other people’s music. But whose music is the CVS soundtrack? The store’s music vendor is Mood Media, formerly Muzak. While that company made its name with what we’d today call original content—light instrumentals composed for background listening—it eventually pivoted into the playlist business, curating “channels” of already-existing vocal pop music for their clients. It’s easy to imagine each major chain laying claim to its own channel to create its distinct emotional climate, whether they use Mood or one of its few competitors. Trader Joe’s is peppy and lightly eclectic: Motown, tasteful eighties hits. H&M is corporate hipster: late-period Jens Lekman. Ditto Urban Outfitters, which used to put out a yearly mixtape: “Halloween Head” by Ryan Adams, “Slow Me Down” by Emmy Rossum. Breezy yacht rock diffuses through the faux-Egyptian catacombs of the Cheesecake Factory. Whole Foods is largely silent.

CVS’s musical identity is harder to pin down. It is not subcultural-aspirational like Hot Topic or Starbucks back when it sold CDs. Functionally, it comes closer to the genre-agnostic mishmash of feel-good tunes that play in most supermarkets. And yet the feel-good tunes resonate differently in CVS. The anonymous employee on the subreddit is surely right that the store’s music produces its effects by way of contrast: earnest voices singing about tenderness lost or gained over sparkly guitars, piped into an impersonal, overlit, understocked place where absolutely nobody wants to be. The whole situation is a perverse joke.

CVS is the negative image of the club or the theater. There is no coordinated pulse of the crowd, just individual people shuffling around. The music is inflicted on you against your will rather than offered up as a kind of gift or “experience.” But the existential emptiness of this setting allows the music to sound with a special liveliness. In the wasteland, you can better hear what the pop song wants from you. The pop song demands your investment—positive, negative, ambivalent, it doesn’t care. It refuses to be ignored, and it won’t settle for a minor role as a manipulator of moods. In the harsh fluorescent light, we can hear the pop song say, “Give me what I deserve, cause it’s my right.” Who are we to refuse?

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kamreadsandrecs · 8 months

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jdmainman123 · 2 years

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New ideas on highway runner oh and let me remind you Jason's family of the runners or the what is it secret service they've all been killed #runners WE COULDN'T GET RID OF THIS IT'S LIKE A BAD SMELL LIKE A DEAD BODY IN THE BACK OF YOUR CAR LIKE A DEAD BODY AND THE OTHER ROOM OF YOUR HOUSE #RUNNERS

But because of the highway runners and and in the next city there's no holding me back I'm definitely if you guys put me in a city and force sub penis to be drawn and force people without choosing and choices to come here and be picked off one by one

We cannot agree and then go with this cowardice actions or these weaker actions I will get on the highway and let me remind an officer who thinks about stopping me HE'S HE'S GOING TO WANT TO REMEMBER THIS AFTER HE STOPS ME HE'S GOING TO NEED A CASKET FOR HIMSELF HE'S GOING TO NEED TO WRITE A SUICIDE NOTE BECAUSE THERE'S THERE'S NO REASON FOR YOU GUYS NOT TO BE AWARE OF WHAT I DO AND BEEN DOING IT FOR THIS LONG FOR YOU NOT TO KNOW WHO I AM you know I have an army in an armed forces we can't help the Marines notice the Marine statement. Challenge and you guys want me to give up more importantly one of their statements was challenged AND THAT'S ALL I DO HERE LIKE GETTING SICK AND GOING TO GET AN EXTRA DRINK SHOWING UP THREE TIMES AT THE GAS STATION TO GET SNACKS TO KEEP MYSELF FROM GETTING A PIMPLE OR GETTING A RASH

For you guys to challenge my auntie seated energy of my one drink and rocking turds

This threat has gone on long enough and if I feel like I've been abandoned in another abandoned city and you guys are subpoenaing people outside you know what it would do it would make the people stand up and applaud me they would throw roses at my feet for the actions of of trying to better and then I'll push myself AND FOR THIS TO ALL HAVE BEEN TAKING PLACE BECAUSE OF THE HIGHWAY RUNNER and again I didn't need to choose the highway I could have challenged every road if I wasn't made sick and the anti-seated sunlight wasn't working against me

It's almost like with this sunlight rise and sunset it's almost pushing me out to the highway it's almost a better point to go to the highway to go to the other side of the city your city's here are not designed like the cities that I saw I accidentally walked into another downtown in Kansas Missouri just by pushing through because it was cold that's right I wasn't bleeding and sweating and for you guys to not have noticed your favorite here may go unanswered I called the misstatement myself

And for you guys to continue to challenge this highway runner and any officer who plays dumb and stops me if I'm walking to the next exit I will promise you

What what we are planning is buying a BB gun at the store and again that you're going to have to shoot me it it's probably safer for all of us death by cop THAT'S RIGHT I'M GOING TO SAY YOU KNOW I'M GOING TO START SCREAMING YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SICK AND TIRED OF YOU F****** N***** PLEASE I DON'T CARE IF IT'S THE WHITE SKIN MAN YOU KNOW YOU'RE ALL THE SAME AND THEN REACHING MY SHIRT AND THEN PULL OUT A GUN A BB GUN THAT LOOKS REAL there are a lot of money but it'll get the job done and if you dare f****** don't open fire on the officer I'm going to run up to you with the with the butt of the gun and hit you in the head

Yeah but what did they still want with me? You know what I'm saying like I I understand you guys want me to be the the pastor to marry you with the white hair white skin girls but you have to understand this is not my white trash daughter this is not my dad white trash daughter she has been absent because you men are so sad that her statements outside would have unlocked any questions you guys had I guarantee she was running around with the antidote in her p**** the whole time

And again it wasn't about you not being able to talk to her anyway the point was she offered an auntie don't need an answer to every statement you boys made and it was the sexiest thing we've ever seen satellite the team they couldn't hold themselves together they probably abandoned the satellite went outside to pleasure her down an alley

AND LET'S GET BACK TO BASICS ASK AND IN HIS HOUSE SHE WINS BY GIVING AN ANSWER AND AND CHALLENGING THE SATELLITE AND SAYING YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S NOT RIGHT I KNOW BETTER I'M SEXY YOU CAN'T MAKE ME SICK AND THEN USUALLY WHAT SHE DOES SHE SAYS YOU MOTHER F***** SATELLITE MAKER COME DOWN HERE AND SAY IT TO MY FACE AND THEN SOON AS SHE SEES HIM THEY START KISSING AND satellite maker told me it's the best sex he's ever had and she agreed she said you know what nothing and and the statement was only if yacht fish comes to our city because the sex was so unreal outside it was so intense and so good

But more importantly #report #911 I'm going to warn you officers if the highway thing comes real the antecedent tonight works against me and I don't need the challenge that road I I quit trying to search 3/4 I sort of sat in the middle of the parking lot for 3 or 4 days and I found a bus that was continually driving by me and I got on it and guess what I found Walmart for the first time in 2 weeks AND I GUESS IT'S JUST THE BEHAVIOR AND THE THINGS THAT WALKING AROUND THE CITY FOR A FEW DAYS I CAN ADAPT AND SEE WHICH ONES ARE THE BETTER ROADS WHICH ONES ARE THE LESSER ROADS and again because of the antecedent sunlight and and here's our joke you guys don't control it which is the funniest thing we've ever heard for me to be in the city where you guys don't control that sunlight sunrise to sunset maybe the saddest thing I've ever heard and that's why I told your girls not in 10 years not 100 years honey

BUT WE ARE TAKING INTO CONSIDERATION FOR US TO BUY A FAKE GUN AND TO CALL IT CALL IT QUITS AND CALL IT VERY EASY FOR ALL OF US death by police officer

And in Minnesota called it the reason why these drastic measures have come up is because the only way out I found nacho libre a few times part of the city where I was able to sit in an abandoned area but what happened is the security guard started kicking me off of the properties for no reason and I'm going to challenge you guys to that with life or death I'm I want you guys held accountable to know that it's not okay for you guys to do these incidences where I'm left and a part of the city that's not integrated that there's no clubs for you guys to reopen and talk to me 24/7 AND AGAIN THERE WAS NO RULE AGAINST SITTING ON ABANDONED PROPERTY AND AGAIN SINCE YOU GUYS ARE CHALLENGING ME AND I'M HERE FOR THESE CITIES FOR ONE REASON. SOME SATELLITE MAKER HAS EXTORTED THESE CITIES FOR ALL THE GIRLS AND YOU GUYS HAVE ME HERE AS YOUR INSURANCE POLICY AS YOUR PROTECTION TO SAY YOU KNOW WHAT I'LL GIVE YOU THIS IN THE NAME OF JASON YOU GUYS CAN KEEP ALL THE GIRLS IN THE CITY I DON'T WANT THE CITY I DON'T WANT THE GIRLSunless you guys are my anyac statement was want to reconsider and light everything on fire and make it a flat piece of land and I can build whatever I want and I'm sorry for that joke it's not it's really not necessary BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY I STILL TRY AND PLAY A REAL ESTATE I STILL TRY AND PLAY A BUSINESSMAN

Well but more importantly for any police officer should challenge me in the highway runner I WOULD BEG IN IN AND ASK THAT YOU DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME AND DON'T GIVE ME A HARD TIME BY STOPPING ME do you know who I am

And if you pull that a girl scout routine pulling up with three or four officers YOU KNOW I'M I'M BOUND TO STRIP DOWN TO MY CLOTHES WITH MY BACKPACK ON AND RUN AROUND NAKED JUST FOR YOU TO TACKLE ME AND I CAN GO TO JAIL AND GET A FEW NIGHTS AND AGAIN AGAIN THE HOSPITAL PARTY IS UP FOR OPTIONS you know three or four days in the hospital just saying look at me people look at me don't play dumb with me you f****** n***** nurse you f****** cracker doctor look at me don't I look like I'm dehydrated don't I look like I'm sick. You know for me to be sleeping outside on concrete for this long I have to appear differently no matter what it is and a doctor or a nurse would would be interested in in saying he does look not normal like something is different about him

1 2 3 4 I declare a police war and you guys know what time that is in LAX 34th we struck gold and Newark we struck gold AND AND I JUST WANT TO WARN YOU OFFICERS WE CAN WE CAN BE COMPLETE ALLIES IN THIS YOU KNOW I HAVE AN ENTIRE ARMY THAT THAT GETS BEHIND MEN WHO DO THE RIGHT THING AND I ASKED FOR YOU NOT TO STOP ME IF I IF THE ANTECEDENT SUNLIGHT AND IF THEY MAKE ME SICKER you know I got a story here in Utah I was down by the highway and for the few days that I was on that side of the city I was looking at a road and then I sat down and then continued to eat at the the grocery store and then one day I noticed the road and I walked all around along the side of the road and the road ran identical to the highway and I ended up on the other side of the city I JUST WANTED TO SHARE THAT STORY WITH YOU GUYS I DIDN'T NEED TO BE ON THE HIGHWAY I COULD HAVE TOOK IN THE HIGHWAY BUT IT LOOKED DEPRESSING TO ME AND I ENDED UP ON THAT ROAD AND WALKED ALL THE WAY TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CITY AND FOUND A SHORTCUTand then found a bus all the way to back to to ground zero all the way back to where I started where I wanted to be because the road left me to the other side of the city instead of walking around all you have to do is take the road in the middle and it's a shortcut

THINK ABOUT IT

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