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evanbarber45 · 4 years

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First Year Soundtrack

“To Be Myself Completely” by Belle & Sebastian: In the beginning, after I left your house after that party, where at the end I asked if I could help with dishes and you said no, and I slapped your hand as a goodbye in the kitchen — I went out to my car and I put on this song. I felt like I was losing or had lost the opportunity to make something happen with you. I regretted leaving, but I didn’t know what else to do — so I got in my car and began my time-honored tradition of doubling down into whatever melancholy feelings I have with melancholy music. And so I left, feeling dumb, and consigned to my dumbness.

The chorus line is, “To be myself completely, I’ve just got to let you down.” It’s funny listening to this song now, because other lyrics actually touch on a few things that have come up a few times for us (like it was a prophecy!). Another line is, “My heart has fallen down, but I talked myself around” — instead of, “My heart has fallen down, so I went down to where my heart was and I stayed there.” Something I feel like you have helped me grow in is the ability to see beyond the fluctuating feelings of the moment to what’s deeper and truer, and to interpret all feelings in light of that. As much as I think it’s good to be aware of what we’re feeling and why, I also believe that if the only question we ask is “How can I be true to myself?” we won’t grow into who God wants us to become. I think you have a better grasp on this than I do — and I appreciate how you have encouraged me along the way.

Then for some reason I decided to change the song. And then — can you believe it? — the changed song changed everything.

“Brofist” by Roomie and Pewdiepie: I don’t know if there’s another person in the entire world who listened to this and was motivated to give a girl a call. But this is what happened: when this Swedish, meme-sharing, online gamer’s “roomie” sang about “Never letting go, go, go,” and “Never giving up, up, up,” I found just the inspiration I needed to hit a girl up one more ‘gin.

So we went for the midnight stroll. And we talked about our mutual love for old people, how they are often easier to be around than young people, and you pretended to hear a bear in the grass and I was grateful for the excuse.

But what if I hadn’t found this song the week before? What if the song hadn’t come back into my head in that moment? I don’t know. I’m sure the Lord would’ve found something else to use. Do you know why I say “the Lord”? Because knowing you has made me better, and stronger, and more grounded — things I know that the Lord wants for me. Separately, I think there is also a great argument to be made here for the goodness of surrounding ourselves with things that can encourage us to keep going when we feel unsure. I am grateful that, since then, you have followed in Pewdiepie’s footsteps and become one such encouraging force in my life.

“Desire Lines” by Deerhunter: It’s hard to pick the “best” Deerhunter song, but I think it may be this one. This song is about getting tired of living in the old, normal ways, and then “walking free” by following someone else. I really believe the lead singer knows Jesus, and this is one of the songs that suggests that to me. I think the guitar at the end is just shimmering, gorgeous, and intoxicating — which, speaking of, is right around when you gave me my first kiss on the cheek. 😉

“Stranger Things” by Kyle Dixon & Michael Stein: Throughout history, mankind has asked many great and timeless questions: “Who are we, and where do we come from?” “What is the meaning of life?” And of course, “Are you liberal or conservative?” Setting aside the political aspect, I think this question could be a very deep exploration of our deepest attitudes about life: “Do we believe that what we fundamentally need is to be liberated and to liberate others, or do we believe that what we fundamentally need is to be conserved, and to help conserve others?” This is hard to answer.

I don’t know if this theme song fully made its way into your memory bank (because we only ever watched three episodes of this), but the last time I heard it, I was with you. And the first time I heard it with you, there was a 100-pound and 100-year-old animal snoring in the floor. Do you remember that old boy? I remember that he wanted some of the sandwich you brought me from Panera, which I believe you used gift cards you had gotten at the end of your previous school year to purchase — I remember sitting down in the dining room for a brief moment, but the light above us was flickering and it felt like a morgue, so we went outside and sat at the iron table where it rained a couple of drops on us, but not too many.

And then we went inside and you laid a juicy one on me after a girl on screen got sucked into the Upside-Down. But of course, this wasn’t actually our first kiss — that wouldn’t happen until three weeks later in the river.

“End of Heartache” by Moon Diagrams: This was the band that opened for Deerhunter the night we saw them — and after you left the night we watched Stranger Things, I listened to it on repeat until I fell asleep. The song starts off kind of sad, but then I think becomes kind of sweet — which is also how I try to pivot when I am feeling kind of sad.

Incidentally, this was also the song I listened to when I was retracing my walk through the neighborhood, looking for my keys. When I listen to it again, I remember the temperature outside where I was searching, and feeling like there was no way you had my keys but I thought I would text you anyway. I still think all that was all very... mysterious.

“The Mysterious” by Akira the Don, ft. Jordan Peterson: I’ve already told you that this was a song I used to listen to a lot when we were first getting together. The music makes me feel like I’m on a beautiful utopian planet, and it reminds me of summertime last year. I really resonate with his line that “the world is more like a musical masterpiece than it is like anything else, and things are oddly connected.” I do think the way any two people end up together is profoundly mysterious — especially when those two people don’t look much like the other people they’ve ended up with before.

“Something in the Water” by Carrie Underwood: I think this was my favorite song from the Carrie Underwood concert. I had never listened to a ton of her stuff, but I think this is just a beautiful song. I think the title is a great way to talk about the power of baptism without resorting to clichés. And it was a great excuse to drink White Claws and sway with you in your yellow dress and boots. Thanks for inviting me to something that meant a lot to you.

“Great Is Our God” by Young Oceans: This song always reminds me of leading the prayer night at your house — the night where having something bigger than ourselves us to work toward helped us reset after our conflict. I’m so intrigued by how that happened, and I truly believe that we stumbled into one of the great secrets of successful relationships there. I guess having a chance to remember that ultimately we have the same goal, and ultimately the only one who can completely fulfill us is God, allowed us to return to our interaction with a new perspective. Yet so much of the advice I’ve heard seems to focus entirely on the other person and how they make you feel, rather than on what you could accomplish together. I am grateful that Jesus promises that if we seek first the kingdom of God, all our other needs will be taken care of as well (even our need to “make it beautiful,” as Luke 12:27-28 points out).

“For Emma” by Bon Iver: Do you know this song, my babe? In college, my friends and I used to bring a record player out onto their balcony and listen to the whole album on vinyl. The album is called “For Emma, Forever Ago,” and I almost put it on the playlist I made you, but 1) it didn’t fit the flow well enough, 2) I think it’s technically a breakup song, which wasn’t what I was going for either (and still isn’t). But it still gave me a lot of feels, to think that these songs I used to listen to about ending up with someone named Emma were in some way being fulfilled today by being with you. As much as things with you felt “out of the blue,” maybe there were also hints and foreshadowings all along.

“Oh, What A World” by Kacey Musgraves: This song always reminds me of driving around in Northwest Arkansas, on the way to Crystal Bridges, and how the drives to go do things were even more enjoyable than the things themselves. I think that says a whole lot; I know there are some couples who get so bored and dissatisfied with each other in the mundane that they constantly need some sort of thrill to distract them. But I enjoy the mundane with you just as much, if not more so than the eventful moments — the times that feel most like “real life,” I suppose. I think that’s an incredible thing.

“Best is Yet to Come” by Judah & the Lion: I couldn’t think of a better way to end this playlist. I love this verse from 1 Corinthians 2:9: “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him.” And I’m glad to know that you are with me in seeking Him more than anything else.

It has been a tremendous year Emma. Thank you for everything. I have become more attracted and devoted to you with every passing day. Here’s to even more! 🥂

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evanbarber45 · 4 years

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evanbarber45 · 4 years

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