#how chronically online do you have to be to go ‘people who discovered they’re actually cis through trial and error dni’

[lesbianrobin]

Ahh I hope you’re getting some sleep but also bc I am petty and easily annoyed I hate the way a lot of the fandom writes Steve’s self discovery as just being like “wow wait there’s a word for liking both, cool then I am bisexual and finally able to act upon my feelings only now that I’ve discovered a label”. For one, it reminds me too much of the chronically online debate that hyper focused on this idea that all aspects of queerness must be labeled first and then experienced through that label and it’s accompanying identity markers. It also feels so demeaning to act like in a time pre internet where many people were forced to live in limited information silo, they couldn’t act upon their attraction or live queerly until they found out about bisexuality etc. And Steve canonically is not that good at remembering names of things, this man would simply not be the one who needs to know the name of something before he can act. I do like the idea though that Steve would explain it in the context of a sports metaphor bc that tracks. Robin would definitely call herself a lesbian and dyke tho. Also secondly these teens are living in rural Indiana, they aren’t gonna know shit about larger community intra-politics,they’re focused on finding joy in a hostile place.

Okay sorry final thought, but in my opinion I think it’s actually more likely that Steve and Robin know about the same amount of gay lore . Robin has already told Steve everything she knows, and is just so relieved to have someone that she can share all the little crumbs of culture she’s collected while being closeted. And then later Stave takes her to gay bar up in Chicago or Indy and honestly Robin kinda dances and is overwhelmed but he’s just like vibing bc drugs and sex are not new to him. The man was popular!and keg king! In season one it is implied he has sex with girls regularly! Idk it just feels so strange when people insist that somehow he’s a prude or inexperienced, like your Puritan upbringing is showing, regular meaningless sex is actually fine. (Also strong agree that Eddie is a virgin, that man stood on a cafeteria table to lecture about DnD, who looks at that and is like hmmm yes, someone who is getting down and dirty regularly)

i agree with everything u said here!! god ESPECIALLY re: labels. steve just is not the kind of person who would need a clear label and definition in order to understand himself. like i can understand him finding comfort in realizing "bisexual" is an established term and it's common enough to be A Thing but like you said it just makes no sense for steve to act like he's totally baffled by his own attraction to people up until someone gives him a word for it. i could see that with a character like nancy because she tends to like things to be very clear and defined but steve is very much the type to go with the flow and just trust his feelings!

like this is the guy who confessed to his crush on the bathroom floor after puking just because he saw the opportunity to be honest about how he felt even though the moment was objectively not romantic at all. steve listens to his heart and does whatever feels right in a given moment and i think he's more than capable of understanding his own sexuality without relying entirely on a label.

ur just So right it's a very like. online take on sexual identity and self-discovery nckdncnfnc

#asks

[awek-s-archived]

i’ve never liked this stan culture behaviour where you have to essentially devote yourself to the thing you’re a fan of. like of course i spend some of my free time watching/listening to my fav artists. i love them and i want to support them and help them succeed. but i don’t want that to consume my life, that’s so unhealthy, especially considering i don’t know these artists irl

for me, streaming my favs 24/7 isn’t a productive use of my time. and that’s not me saying that i’m not streaming. my favs will be at the top of my spotify wrapped, don’t you worry. but in 5 years time i don’t wanna look back on my life and see that i just spent my time inside on my phone or laptop dedicating my life to an artist, who might not even still be making music anymore. i want to go out into the real world and make fun memories

and the fact that people get mad when i say that, and that i’m not a real fan?? when people talk about people being chronically online, this is what they’re talking about. i’m not having other people, who are complete strangers to me, telling me how i should be a fan of something. i have a job. i’m at uni. i want to have fun with my friends, go to cool places, etc etc. AND i can still be a fan of something as well, but that’s not gonna be my priority. I’M my priority. i want to live MY life. and i’ll do that however i want to

and i promise you, x member from x group doesn’t give a fuck. they don’t want their fans to dedicate every waking minute of their lives to them

a simple rule of life: as long as you’re not harming yourself or others, you do what you want with your life and let other people do what they want with theirs

exactly!!!! you’re 100% right. at the end of the day you only got one life and you gotta live that however you want (or however you can) and frankly i DID spend my teen years completely devoted to strangers on twt before i began living my actual life and discovering that all of that is actually meaningless and didn’t bring me any genuine joy. i like studying and being with my friends and learning from my mentors first and foremost and as you said i’ll enjoy artists and media however i can at the time. i obviously listen to music and buy it when i can but im not gna dedicate my entire existence to people who don’t know me or care about my existence.

i rly don’t know why this entire thing is so controversial .. no one is saying people can’t have their own interpretation of stan culture, just don’t force it upon other people who have better things to be doing with their lives.

#also don’t get me started abt the incorrect use of chronically online it makes me wanna chew wood #asks

[dailydnp]

YouTube stars and LGBT+ influencers Dan Howell and Jessica Kellgren-Fozard on how they and their queer fans have helped each other through “radical bravery”.

Dan Howell, a comedian and one of world’s most popular YouTubers, and Jessica Kellgren-Fozard, lesbian YouTube star and disability advocate, have had vastly different experiences as queer content creators.

The two LGBT+ YouTubers spoke to PinkNews to mark the launch of The Rise, a YouTube campaign that celebrates diverse UK creative talent on the platform.

Having already made YouTube videos for 10 years, Dan came out publicly in June 2019, in a 45-minute video titled “Basically I’m gay”.

He described his coming out story as “very strange”, and told PinkNews: “Me already being this kind of obnoxiously, omnipresent public figure, I had to kind of go on this process.

“I’ve known how gay I was since forever, but had to go on the whole journey of not just working out how I would communicate that to the world, but truly reaching a point of self-acceptance.

“Because on some level throughout all of my life, I’ve accepted it but not really acknowledged it. I said: ‘I’m not ready yet, now’s not the time, I don’t know how.'”

Jessica, on the other hand, explained that she has “never struggled” with her sexuality, having always known she would be accepted.

“I have a very different coming out story to most LGBT+ people in that I was raised in a Quaker family, and there was never the expectation that I was going to grow up and get a husband and that this was the way things happened… So I’ve never struggled with my sexuality in that way,” she said.

While Jessica uses her online platform to discuss her life as an LGBT+ person as well as queer history, much of her audience comes to her channel for her disabilities advocacy.

She has two rare genetic conditions, HNPP and EDS, which affect her nerves and connective tissues. She is deaf, visually impaired and her conditions can affect her mobility with varying severity.

“Being a disabled and chronically ill teenager, I had this big thing in my life that was really difficult, and a real struggle, and being gay just paled in comparison,” she said.

“There was obviously the drama, the girls that I liked didn’t liked me, they always turned out to be straight. But that was the biggest drama.

“When I started YouTube, I was already married, it was already very much like, this is who I am. I’m gay, this is my wife. There’s no question. There’s no worrying about it.”

She added: “I like to think that that does, in a way, represent what our future is going to be –  that we don’t have to have these coming out stories where people worry about how they’re going to be accepted, and worried about the response they’re going to get.”

Dan Howell wishes he’d had queer role models like Jessica Kellgren-Fozard when he was growing up.

Dan Howell said that YouTubers like Jessica Kellgren-Fozard could have helped him immensely when he was discovering his LGBT+ identity.

“If there was someone like Jessica when I was a young person watching YouTube, I just know I would have had a profoundly different journey through life and coming to accept my sexuality,” he said.

“I would have been represented, I would have learned about queer history, I would have been seeing different relationships, seeing different personalities.”

From LGBT+ issues to disabilities and mental health, both Dan and Jessica have used their platforms to share their experiences in areas that are vastly underrepresented in mainstream media, showing their viewers many facets of their identities.

In 2017, Dan used his YouTube channel to discuss his struggle with his mental health, in a video titled “Daniel and Depression”.

“There’s many aspects to a human,” he said. “I’ve always come from a place of just talking about whatever’s on my mind, or whatever is important to me.

“It was quite a jump for me to make that first video about mental health, opening up about depression out of nowhere was quite scary. Because even three or four years ago, it was still more of a taboo topic.

“I tried to do it in my own way, which is to kind of inappropriately joke about it at my own expense, and try to make it a storytelling experience. That’s just the same as everything else I do.”

Jessica said that from her point of view, “the best representation is always ‘happens to be'”.

“It’s the idea that you have a character who’s going on an adventure, you have someone who’s talking to you about makeup, and they just happen to be gay. Because otherwise we’re not really going to be reaching outside of our own echo chamber.”

She explained that some viewers end up watching 10 of her videos without ever realising that she’s married to a woman, which she thinks is “the best way to kind of have any change and effect on the culture and and people in the world”.

“Because if we’re always trying to preach to the choir, we’re not really going to get anywhere,” she said.

“But if people are thinking so-and-so on TV is absolutely amazing and then later find out that they’re gay, maybe they’ll be changing some preconceived notions.”

“It’s this kind of sneaky, insidious way that the gay agenda will thrive and inevitably take over the world,” laughed Dan. “Winning hearts and minds.”

One particularly heartwarming example, Jessica said, was when a fan used her videos to come out to their parents.

“She was raised in a very religious household and her parents were not at all open to the idea of homosexuality. In fact, if they were watching television, and something came up relating to the subject, they would immediately turn it off, change the channel, perhaps say something wasn’t particularly lovely.

“She was sat there feeling like, ‘Oh, am I ever going to come out my parents?'”

The fan decided to curate a playlist of Jessica’s videos to show her mother.

“It started with videos that I made about my religion,” she said, “and then transitioned to fashion and videos about history. And just slowly, each video was a slightly gayer video.”

“Her mother became a fan within the first 20 videos. She was like: ‘This seems like a good role model for my child.’

“Eventually [she realised] this role model has a wife and is gay, and is OK with this. And her parents are religious and OK with her being gay… I was able to provide a tool for someone to do that to come out in quite a safe way to their parents.”

The “radical bravery” of his queer fans helped Dan Howell come out.

Dan Howell, on the other hand, said that his fans were the ones who helped him feel safe to come out.

While still in the closet, he said he found it “difficult” that he viewers saw him as someone who was always “open and honest” with them, especially after sharing his experience with depression.

“I went on a world tour in 2018… I was doing these meet and greets, and people would genuinely pour their hearts out to me, and they would talk about everything they were going through in their life,” he said.

“They would talk about illness, they would talk about mental health. And so many people talked about sexuality, just because the community that had been created had this attitude of acceptance and growth and coming together and wholesomeness.”

While he understands that there was “no presumption [he] was a homophobe”, he found it confusing when people would tell him that he had inspired them to come out.

“It was difficult, because I stood there feeling like I was a sham. People were saying: ‘I feel strong enough to say this to you, because you’ve been so open and vulnerable to me.’ And I was just stood there like: ‘Well, actually, I feel like there’s the biggest part of me that I haven’t even yet gone on the journey to acknowledge myself.’

“I mean, I’ve had people that came out to me in front of their parents, because they felt like they were in a safe environment, and that’s crazy.

“The radical bravery of some of these people is what made me think if I was feeling like a little scared dog in my apartment, looking in the mirror like a chihuahua, thinking: ‘How am I ever going to come out publicly at this stage of my life?’ I would think well, actually, look at the younger generation.”

In the ‘chaos’ of the internet, queer YouTubers like Dan Howell and Jessica Kellgren-Fozard building valuable communities.

While the internet can be a scary place for queer folk, Dan Howell and Jessica Kellgren-Fozard are determined to use it to build community and acceptance.

“I think that we don’t talk enough about the wonderful sides of the internet,” said Jessica.

“How it allows people to come together and create a community, how it gives us access to education that might before been blocked to us, how we’re able to actually learn from people who come before us.

“I really like talk about queer history, because we’re one of the only communities and minorities that can’t pass down out knowledge through the generations. Because you know, gay people don’t necessarily have gay kids.

“We often miss out on learning from our elders and learning what’s come before us. And I think it’s really important and lovely that we talk about and validate and really cherish these communities that are available to us on the internet.”

Dan added: “When you look at the chaos of the internet and various online communities, I think it is good to see when people are creating content that can make people feel better.

“For all of the terrifying chaos of the freedom of the internet and creating on YouTube, it also lets people emerge that may not have been represented, you can create the content that you wish someone was making for you.

“And I think that’s one of the best things.”

#daniel howell #danisnotonfire #dan #phan #mine #interview

[jaejinmoon]

⌜ PARK JIMIN, TWENTY FOUR, TRANS MALE ⌝  i just ran into JAEJIN “JJ” MOON in downtown wolvepine! they’ve been living here for EIGHT YEARS and they currently live in PINE PLACE. he is known to be CLEVER and LETHARGIC.

hey guys. aspen here with muse # 2 !  meet jj — or jae, whichever — moon, a 24 y/o writer, cat dad, aaand widower. ( deflated party horn here. )  beneath the cut is his bio, some basic stats, and some hcs. full page coming eventually. checkout my playlist for him though !

 ♡   ┊  playlist.  

trigger warnings: alcoholism, substance abuse, very brief mention of homo/transphobia, death mention, car crashes.

basic stats. 

full name — jaejin xavier moon. nicknames — jae, jj, jaej. current age — 24. date of birth — january 8th. ( capricorn. ) gender — trans male. pronouns — he/him only. sexuality — homosexual. occupation — ghost writer, published author ( under many pseudonyms ), professional alcoholic.

biography.

↬   to be known, as far as jaejin is concerned, is more trouble than it’s worth. it started sometime after he realized he had to pick his own name and then convince the world it belongs to him; a feat easier imagined than executed. 

↬   at some point, you get tired. and maybe that’s just because he’s always been tired, metaphorically and medically, as it would happen.  people saw the name on his documentation and he’d correct them once, but never a second time. ‘ this might as well happen,’ he’d thought then, and he would again, all too often. 

↬  per script, jj stays tired. he watches the tides roll in and doesn’t bother to roll his jeans up no matter how sandy, no matter how wet they get. when he’s sixteen years old, he’s told to get out of his parents house shortly after he tells them who jaejin is, and he thinks again, this might as well happen. it’s nothing mikes hard and some xanax can’t melt away tonight on his best friend’s couch, then tomorrow again if he needs it. and he does. obviously. obviously, he needs it.

↬  when he gets on a greyhound bus and travels across the country with a fake i.d, he doesn’t have a plan. jj lands in a place called wolvepine and thinks little of it, because it’s not home, but it’s a good enough contender for it. this might as well happen.

↬  he stays in shelters, registers for school in wolvepine, and finishes his diploma without a roof over his head. he makes friends with the local cats and feeds them what he doesn’t have to keep for himself. he rolls along, because he’s too tired to do anything else. people are cruel, and it’s a struggle enough to get by, but eventually he makes some friends. a friend, actually. avery. just avery. he’s cis and doesn’t really get it at first, but he’s the first person who lets jj get far enough to tell him about it; to tell him about who jaejin is... and avery loves him. jaejin loves him too.

↬  he makes money any way he can, operating for a time after his eighteenth birthday as a sex worker online. this might as well happen, and it might as well get him through college in the few areas that scholarships don’t cover. he isn’t sure if he should consider his intellect a gift, but it’s convenient, that’s for sure. avery offers to pay for college, but jj doesn’t let him; he’s not his burden to bear. ( ‘you’re not a burden.’  ‘ you’re an idiot. keep your money. i love you.’  )

↬  money comes from other avenues eventually, anyways. it starts with him writing papers for others — just a little ‘slide me a 20 and i’ll ghostwrite your thesis' kind of thing. he stopped camming around this time because writing was less effort, something he liked, too; his passion beyond being just his major. he started writing everywhere he went, pages upon pages upon pages in messy little notebooks, and on a whim one day, jj submits a story to a publisher under a pseudonym: taeil. 

↬  it’s a hit. jaejin almost doesn’t know what to do with the royalties as they come rolling in, and he definitely doesn’t know what to do with interview requests other than the immediate, polite decline. on another whim, he submits a story to another publisher, under a name, and it does better than the first. 

↬   he keeps going. he keeps doing it, completely faceless in his successes and comfortable for the first time in his life. he and avery graduate when they’re both 22, and they move into a house too big for either of them in pine place. they get three cats: sushi, dipdot, and penny. avery works IT and jaejin works from home. there’s a ring, then another. they’re married. they’re happy.

↬  when the tides turn, jaejin meets with anger for the first time. at himself, at every doctor who told him there was nothing wrong with him, and childishly, at avery for dying when they get into a car wreck because jaejin fell asleep at the wheel. after the fact, he’s diagnosed with narcolepsy and he’s told he’s probably had it since he was a teenager, perhaps around sixteen. a lot might’ve well have happened, but — not this. this didn’t have to happen.

↬  that was about a year and a half ago. since then, jj’s begun ghostwriting again for cash he doesn’t need, has published dozens of different books under different names, and he’s up to about seven cats. the house is empty, and he thinks about leaving it every single day, but it’s a thought had drunk on his bathroom floor, and it’s a thought that dies with his consciousness when the fade inevitably comes. he’s back to accepting it — this might as well happen.

headcanons.

↬  while reserved, and maybe standoffish, jae really isn’t a shy or mean person. ↬  his seven cats have their own bedroom, and it’s very well kept. their names are: sushi, dipdot, penny, mufasa, stitch, artemis, & merlin. ↬ he owns just about every squishmallow. none of them are named affectionately. ( close friends may discover this is a lie, but only his favorite get nice names. the rest are stinky, ugly, and variants of the such. ) ↬ he is narcoleptic, and it does effect his day to day life. ↬ he likes singing, but only a little bit.  ↬ he doesn’t really have a direction in life anymore, and has more or less become apathetic about it.  ↬ he really enjoys swimming, the beach, video games, and photography.  ↬ horror is his favorite genre to write, but he’s written everything from romance to fantasy to filth to completely nonfictive works.  ↬ he’s a lot lonelier than he lets on, but too prideful to admit it, and too afraid to lose whatever he gains to change that.  ↬ if there’s a cat cafe in town, that’s where he is. ↬ he has a pretty serious drinking problem but doesn’t really wanna talk about it, if pressed. the same can be said for what drugs he takes. ( the drugs are prescribed to him, is the trouble; he needs them, he just over-uses. this is pretty much only known to him, however. ) ↬ he has some chronic health conditions as a result of the car accident he was in; primarily, migraines and a bad leg.  ↬ his sense of humor is really dry and he can be a little mischievous, sarcastic, and pessimistic but he isn’t a malicious person! i promise he’s very sweet.

#wolvepineintro

[rockislandadultreads]

2020 Contemporary Romances: a reading list

Love Your Life by Sophie Kinsella

Call Ava romantic, but she thinks love should be found in the real world, not on apps that filter men by height, job, or astrological sign. She believes in feelings, not algorithms. So after a recent breakup and dating app debacle, she decides to put love on hold and escapes to a remote writers' retreat in coastal Italy. She's determined to finish writing the novel she's been fantasizing about, even though it means leaving her close-knit group of friends and her precious dog, Harold, behind. At the retreat, she's not allowed to use her real name or reveal any personal information. When the neighboring martial arts retreat is canceled and a few of its attendees join their small writing community, Ava, now going by "Aria," meets "Dutch," a man who seems too good to be true. The two embark on a baggage-free, whirlwind love affair, cliff-jumping into gem-colored Mediterranean waters and exploring the splendor of the Italian coast. Things seem to be perfect for Aria and Dutch. But then their real identities--Ava and Matt--must return to London. As their fantasy starts to fade, they discover just how different their personal worlds are. From food choices to annoying habits to sauna etiquette . . . are they compatible in anything? And then there's the prickly situation with Matt's ex-girlfriend, who isn't too eager to let him go. As one mishap follows another, it seems while they love each other, they just can't love each other's lives. Can they reconcile their differences to find one life together?

The Business of Lovers by Eric Jerome Dickey

Unlike their younger brother, Andre, whose star as a comedian is rising, neither Dwayne nor Brick Duquesne is having luck with his career--and they're unluckier still in love. Former child star Dwayne has just been fired from his latest acting role and barely has enough money to get by after paying child support to his spiteful former lover, while Brick struggles to return to his uninspiring white-collar job after suffering the dual blows of a health emergency and a nasty breakup with the woman he still loves. Neither brother is looking to get entangled with a woman anytime soon, but love--and lust--has a way of twisting the best-laid plans. When Dwayne tries to reconnect with his teenage son, he finds himself fighting to separate his animosity from his attraction for his son's mother, Frenchie. And Brick's latest source of income--chauffeur and bodyguard to three smart, independent women temporarily working as escorts in order to get back on their feet--opens a world of possibility in both love and money. Penny, Christiana, and Mocha Latte know plenty of female johns who would pay top dollar for a few hours with a man like Brick... if he can let go of his past, embrace his unconventional new family, and allow strangers to become lovers. Eric Jerome Dickey paints a powerful portrait of the family we have, the families we create, and every sexy moment in between.

Spoiler Alert by Olivia Dade

Marcus Caster-Rupp has a secret. While the world knows him as Aeneas, the star of the biggest show on TV, Gods of the Gates, he's known to fanfiction readers as Book!AeneasWouldNever, an anonymous and popular poster.  Marcus is able to get out his own frustrations with his character through his stories, especially the ones that feature the internet’s favorite couple to ship, Aeneas and Lavinia. But if anyone ever found out about his online persona, he’d be fired. Immediately. April Whittier has secrets of her own. A hardcore Lavinia fan, she’s hidden her fanfiction and cosplay hobby from her “real life” for years—but not anymore. When she decides to post her latest Lavinia creation on Twitter, her photo goes viral. Trolls and supporters alike are commenting on her plus-size take, but when Marcus, one half of her OTP, sees her pic and asks her out on a date to spite her critics, she realizes life is really stranger than fanfiction. Even though their first date is a disaster, Marcus quickly realizes that he wants much more from April than a one-time publicity stunt. And when he discovers she’s actually Unapologetic Lavinia Stan, his closest fandom friend, he has one more huge secret to hide from her. With love and Marcus’s career on the line, can the two of them stop hiding once and for all, or will a match made in fandom end up prematurely cancelled?

No Offense by Meg Cabot

A broken engagement only gave Molly Montgomery additional incentive to follow her dream job from the Colorado Rockies to the Florida Keys. Now, as Little Bridge Island Public Library’s head of children’s services, Molly hopes the messiest thing in her life will be her sticky-note covered desk. But fate—in the form of a newborn left in the restroom—has other ideas. So does the sheriff who comes to investigate the “abandonment”. The man’s arrogance is almost as distracting as his blue eyes. Almost… Recently divorced, John has been having trouble adjusting to single life as well as single parenthood. But something in Molly’s beautiful smile gives John hope that his old life on Little Bridge might suddenly hold new promise—if only they can get over their differences.

Tweet Cute by Emma Lord

Meet Pepper, swim team captain, chronic overachiever, and all-around perfectionist. Her family may be falling apart, but their massive fast-food chain is booming ― mainly thanks to Pepper, who is barely managing to juggle real life while secretly running Big League Burger’s massive Twitter account. Enter Jack, class clown and constant thorn in Pepper’s side. When he isn’t trying to duck out of his obscenely popular twin’s shadow, he’s busy working in his family’s deli. His relationship with the business that holds his future might be love/hate, but when Big League Burger steals his grandma’s iconic grilled cheese recipe, he’ll do whatever it takes to take them down, one tweet at a time. All’s fair in love and cheese ― that is, until Pepper and Jack’s spat turns into a viral Twitter war. Little do they know, while they’re publicly duking it out with snarky memes and retweet battles, they’re also falling for each other in real life ― on an anonymous chat app Jack built. As their relationship deepens and their online shenanigans escalate ― people on the internet are shipping them?? ― their battle gets more and more personal, until even these two rivals can’t ignore they were destined for the most unexpected, awkward, all-the-feels romance that neither of them expected.

Just Like You by Nick Hornby

Lucy used to handle her adult romantic life according to the script she'd been handed. She met a guy just like herself: same age, same background, same hopes and dreams; they got married and started a family. Too bad he made her miserable. Now, two decades later, she's a nearly-divorced, forty-one-year-old schoolteacher with two school-aged sons, and there is no script anymore. So when she meets Joseph, she isn't exactly looking for love--she's more in the market for a babysitter. Joseph is twenty-two, living at home with his mother, and working several jobs, including the butcher counter where he and Lucy meet. It's not a match anyone one could have predicted. He's of a different class, a different culture, and a different generation. But sometimes it turns out that the person who can make you happiest is the one you least expect, though it can take some maneuvering to see it through.

#romance #romance readers #contemporary romance #currently reading #reading recommendations #books recs #booklr #booklist #to read #tbr #library #recommended reading #fiction

[wellknownwolf]

I want to move into a new phase in my relationship with fandom, as I mature with new experiences. I'm not sure what exactly that looks like though. What is your take on the parasocial affection inherent in an RPF like Rhett & Link? Or even the deep attachments that can form with fictional characters? Or a desire to emulate fantasy worlds? I'm sorry if I've made you uncomfortable with all this, it's just that it's been a long time coming, and once I got started I couldn't stop. - Natasha (5)

First, let me post the full question, since it came in 5 parts:

Hey, it's me again. Your 'mystery inquirer', as you so adorably dubbed me. You're right, I had forgotten I'd sent in that ask. Just now, I couldn't help but think about a scene from Life After, as I am wont to on a frightfully regular basis, which is what got me back here. When you said you pondered over my seemingly simple, banal question for a good while, and wrote out a beautifully thoughtful answer like you always do, it made me happy.

Your narrative voice is similar to my own, and it made my chest ache in a certain way to have gotten such a response to what felt like a random shout out into the abyss (though it obviously wasn't, I sent it directly to you, I guess it's more what it felt like taking a chance on a conversation with a random stranger online). And now I'm cringing a bit at how melodramatic all sounds. But I'm committing to it, anyway. That's the beauty of anon, eh?

Wolfie (is it presumptuous to call you that? Please do forgive me the liberty I'm taking), I must admit. I'm quite envious of this community you have with @missingparentheses, @lunar-winterlude, and other wonderful people. Since childhood, I've been head over heels in love with fandom. Not a specific fandom, I've been a traveller through dozens, but fandom in general. I've read probably thousands of fanfics, spent countless hours daydreaming about beloved characters and their stories.

To the point where, in my most recent and worst depressive episode, it may have been for the worse, if I'm honest. Escapism and yearning to the point of impairment, engendering a sense of constant bereavement. But it's taught me so much about life and its wonders, I can't write it off as just some damaging habit. It's such an integral part of who I am, a deeply curious soul (shout out to my Enneagram Type 5-ers out there!). But I don't anyone to share it with, and it can get quite lonely.

I want to move into a new phase in my relationship with fandom, as I mature with new experiences. I'm not sure what exactly that looks like though. What is your take on the parasocial affection inherent in an RPF like Rhett & Link? Or even the deep attachments that can form with fictional characters? Or a desire to emulate fantasy worlds? I'm sorry if I've made you uncomfortable with all this, it's just that it's been a long time coming, and once I got started I couldn't stop. - Natasha

.....................................................................

Thank you for giving me so much to respond to, Natasha.  Thank you for continuing to reach out.   I accidentally wrote something like a paper in response to your thoughtful question.  I even conducted a little research and cited a source.  ENGLISH TEACHER, ACTIVATE!

Also, for what it’s worth, I feel at times that I communicate exclusively through shouts into the abyss, so it’s a language with which I am at home.  In fact, it is this very technique, this experiment with intense vulnerability at the hands of a virtual stranger, that earned me one of my absolutely most-treasured friends: @missingparentheses.  I have poured out a great deal of my own melodrama to her, and she has received it and reciprocated it in a way that, three years later, continues to teach me how to be a better friend.  In short, I’m a firm believer in diving straight in when it comes to new friends.  Cringe not; I’m on board.

So let’s dive.

R&L is really only the second “fandom” with which I’ve been involved.  Third, if we count my preteen obsession with ‘N Sync (and considering how much wall space I dedicated to their posters and self-printed photos, we probably should).  My point is, while I don’t have much experience with the community facet of fandom, I do relate to your feeling of near-obsession.  Or clear obsession.  

I know the feeling of escapism you’re describing, and I know the yearning and melancholy that can come on our worst days, where we feel like “real life” will never measure up to the color and brilliance of the worlds we spend so much time considering. These worlds, these characters and their relationships, their challenges, victories, and defeats all seem so purposeful: they’re the plot points we use to craft the stories in our heads (regardless of whether we’re writers at all).  It can be much harder to view ourselves as protagonists worth analyzing, viewing and reviewing through new lenses, perhaps because we’re warned against navel-gazing, perhaps because our self-perception just won’t allow for it.  Maybe a little of both.

But yes!  It teaches us!  We DO learn about life, other people, love, risk, all kinds of things through what we consume in these fandoms, so I would never classify it as a “bad” thing.  We hone our imaginations and learn to pay attention to our own emotions as we recognize feelings from our favorite shows, games, books, and characters arising in ourselves.  

I used to be a little afraid of the fact that I was always telling myself stories, internally imagining myself as someone else, a player in the worlds I often loved more than my own.  I suspected that someday, somehow, I would be caught playing pretend all the time in my own little ways.  I was a bright and ambitious young woman, so why would I give so much of my mental energy to such frivolous pursuits?

In my first semester of graduate school, though, I learned from a Lit. Theory professor who intimidated the hell out of me that we all do this.  We’re all telling ourselves stories all the time, some of which are true and close to objective reality, some of which are more subjective to whatever fantastical (or fandom) material we last consumed.  I’ve whispered my own dialogue in the shower, but so have you whispered yours in your head (if not also out loud in your shower!).  And through this act, however it is performed, I have made those worlds part of my own.  So have you.  In this way, they are real, and I no longer feel fearful of being “found out.”  

When we have those moments of doubt, though, when we wonder whether we’re going too far, it probably stems, at least partially, from the “us v. them” divide between fandom and mainstream society.  We love our little worlds, but we also feel that twinge of anxiety that we might be bordering on obsession, that our guilty pleasure might be discovered and we will be socially punished for it, namely, as Joli Jensen writes in “Fandom as Pathology: The Consequences of Characterization,” because “the fan is characterized as (at least potentially) an obsessed loner, suffering from a disease of isolation, or a frenzied crowd member, suffering from a disease of contagion. In either case, the fan is seen as being irrational, out of control, and prey to a number of external forces” (13). According the consistent covert (and overt, at times) messages of the mainstream, “[f]andom is conceived of as a chronic attempt to compensate for a perceived personal lack of autonomy, absence of community, incomplete identity, lack of power and lack of recognition” (Jensen 17).  Yikes.  That doesn’t feel good to admit about ourselves, does it?  

Luckily, it’s bullshit.

Treating “fans” as others (outsiders, people who can’t form relationships or find fulfillment in the “real world”) “risks denigrating them in ways that are insulting and absurd” (Jensen 25).  Those who take this stance, who see fans as victims of hysteria or desperate loners, do so in order to “develop and defend a self-serving moral landscape.  That terrain cultivates in us a dishonorable moral stance of superiority, because it makes other into examples of extrinsic forces, while implying that we [members solely of the mainstream] somehow remain pure, autonomous, ad unafflicted” (Jensen 25).  In short, that us/them thinking just makes people feel better about themselves by pointing out an easily-identifiable “other.”

 I have also grappled with the concept of parasocial affection, particularly with R&L.  I was well into writing my first Rhink fic when the thought crossed my mind, “Oh my god, what if I actually met these people someday?  How would I look them in the eye?  I’d feel like a crazy person (again)!”  From the safety of the Midwest, I laughed off the thought.  And then a year or so later, they were announcing their first tour. And I was still writing, here and there, still deep in my affection for them, sometimes wrestling with the thought that I’ve devoted so much energy to people who would never know I exist.  

It doesn’t matter that the attachment was in the most obvious, tangible ways only one-sided.  As an adult who is ever-learning how to navigate the worlds of her own creation and the ones over which she has far less control, I view my intense attachment to characters both real and fictional with deep fondness.   And while I may not receive affection or attention directly from the sources (R&L, fictional characters, sports teams, who/whatever we build fandoms around), I am still earning some very real rewards for my involvement: Because of them, I found my way to a participatory culture in which I was supported and encouraged to express my creativity.  This gave me the push and interest that I needed to hone skills that have not only made me a better writer, but also a better teacher and mentor.  With fandom comes the ability to immediately strike up a conversation over shared interests. With fandom comes a sense of belonging in what we have proven is an awfully divisive world.  

Right now, I’m consuming far less fandom-related material than I did a few years ago.  I don’t really watch GMM anymore and I’m on a break from Ear Biscuits (though I still love it), Gotham ended over a year ago and I’m not in the habit of reading fics right now, and I can’t yet play the remade Final Fantasy 7, so that’s out for me, too (though I know I will fall deep into that well once the game is in my hot little hands).  This all happened by itself.  I never consciously moved away from these sources; I just floated on to other interests and other levels of interest, knowing that if and when I wanted to dig back in, I could always come back.  

I used to feel quite sad at the thought of someday “moving on” from these intense interests.  I couldn’t fathom somehow falling out of love with those bands, actors, or video games.  But for me, the transition into wherever I am now has not been painful in the least.  I’m glad I knew the intensity that I did, and I’m happy with the distance I have now. And there’s a good chance I’ll be fanatic about something else someday.  I’m looking forward to it!

 Here are some responses that I couldn’t organically fit into my essay:

Yes, you can call me Wolfie if you’d like.  That name started with @missingparentheses (her second appearance in this answer!), and quickly became a reminder to not take myself too seriously.  

Second, I don’t think I know any other Type 5s!  I’m a type 8. 

Also, here’s my MLA formatted citation for the Jensen source:

Jensen, Joli. “Fandom as Pathology: The Consequences of Characterization.”   The Adoring Audience: Fan Culture and Popular Media, Routledge, 1992, pp. 9-29.

#ask me anything #fandom meta-discourse #bc I always said I wouldn't get involved in fandom discourse #oh no I'm us/them-ing in my tags! #shame on me!

[amphtaminedreams]

To All the Characters I’ve Overly Identified with Before: Borderline Personality Disorder and Attachment to Fictional Characters

It’s been a month, and I’m still not over how Game of Thrones ended. I’m still not over the way that a character who, throughout the previous seventy something episodes of the show, was only ever ruthless towards people who were deserving of her wrath (within the context of westerosi justice because let’s not forget everyone’s favourite man of honour Ned Stark decapitated a young man for running for his life in the first episode), suddenly massacred a whole city in the penultimate episode. I’m not over the way that writers who spent the previous seasons showing that they were capable of translating the moral ambiguity of George R.R Martin’s characters from page to screen, got lazy and left us with a character whose actions became impossible to defend right as the show was ending. I’m not over the way that such a beautifully complex character who endured so much hurt and trauma was reduced to nothing more than a “crazy woman” by a couple of male writers in her final moments. I’m not over the fact that Emilia Clarke put her heart and soul into the character and did everything she could to bring Daenerys Targaryen to life for David Benioff and Dan Weiss to both literally and figuratively assassinate her.

I think those feels have been felt by a lot of Game of Thrones fans since the show ended. God knows I’ve watched enough youtube video essays and read enough articles and liked enough tweets reiterating the sentiment. Daenerys Targaryen was, in my opinion, the best character on Game of Thrones. I wasn’t angry because she didn’t end up sitting on the throne (though my boy Drogon made sure nobody else ever would either and I guess I can get behind that), I was angry because all the balance that made her character so great was thrown out the window in order to progress the story of her male counterpart and bring a show that probably could’ve done with another 2 seasons to an end. Dany has always had a dark side, she is the “fire” that the title of the book series refers to, but throughout the show, we’ve never seen her indulge that side to the point of no return. We’ve seen her wrestle with it and use it to exact punishment on those who deserve it when needs be, and that was part of what I liked about her. Not to go all feminist essay on anyone’s ass but we don’t usually get to see women in TV who are celebrated for their powers of intimidation, and I liked how prior to season 8, the narrative never made female characters like Dany or Arya or Brienne out to be monsters for killing people the same way that basically every single man on the show did at one point or another. I liked that sometimes she was a little excessive because it made sense, she did have “dragon” in her, and she still had lines she wouldn’t cross, clear values and principles; she fought for the innocent, for women and for children, and for freedom. On a personal level, I loved her because we watched her go from a lonely, scared and vulnerable girl to a strong, ambitious and self-assured woman and that was a trajectory I wanted to relate to.

And then all of a sudden, without any justification or build up at all, she’s a mass murderer of the same “downtrodden” people she always claimed to fight for. Fuck, I’m thinking. I literally watched that episode through my hands because I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. When I say I cried on and off for about 3 days after I watched the final episode, I’m not exaggerating; I only need to see a screen cap now a month later or an interview with Emilia Clarke and I’m off again. It literally felt as if I was mourning the loss of a real person. But this isn’t the first time I’ve had this kind of attachment to a character. Daenerys Targaryen was probably just the last in a long list of women I overly identified with.

I’m not much like her at all really, I’ve burnt myself from taking the film off my microwaved lasagne and not moving my thumb away from the hot air in time (lmao), however, I think I saw parts of myself in her journey and traits that I wanted to have, thus, I latched on. Before Daenerys Targaryen there was Spencer Hastings and before her there was Cassie Ainsworth and then if we’re gonna throw it all the way back, there was Hermione Granger (and some other characters I was more mildly obsessed with along the way, Katniss Everdeen, Bree Van de Kamp and Cosima Niehaus, I’m looking at you). I still love all those characters now but when their respective shows or films were actually current, I was completely obsessed. I spent my 16th birthday at the Harry Potter studios on the outskirts of London with my family, forget birthday parties or meals out with my friends. I wished more than anything that I had 2 best friends that loved me unconditionally and I did my best to emulate that drive and intelligence and work ethic everyone associates with Hermione. I told myself I was just like her even though I lacked the confidence to put my hand up in all but one of my classes and last time I checked, was just trying to conquer GCSEs not fight an evil wizard snaked hybrid man or whatever Voldemort is.  I identified with the loneliness and the need for control that I saw in Cassie, and was like “oH eM GeE, tHat’s sO mE!” at Spencer’s perfectionism. When I was speeding for my exams (and then, unfortunately, for long after), I felt spiritually connected to that whole Pretty Little Liars arc where Spencer started popping adderall on the daily even though I could really only wish for someone to care about me enough to stalk me like A did and the worst possible outcome of my all nighter was not taking in enough content to bullshit my way through a 30 marker.

They would understand me, they would be my friend. They represent me. That was the baseline sentiment of my obsession. And I think that’s the borderline part of me jumping out. See, such a huge part of BPD is feeling unwanted and misunderstood and forgettable and really, deeply lonely.  Like it’s a kind of loneliness I think you feel like an actual person can never really fulfil because the (faulty and not necessarily reflective of reality) thought pattern is that they’ll lose interest and leave you sooner or later. Fictional characters are always there, until the show gets cancelled or the character gets killed off, at least, and then comes the completely disproportionate tidal wave of grief. They exist in a different world too, a one that feels a lot less dangerous (even if it’s actually way more dangerous, I mean I really wouldn’t last five fucking minutes in Westeros) and detached from the often chronically muted reality of BPD.

Then there’s the trouble with the sense of self, part and package of BPD for most, which facilitates, you know, thinking that a genius witch or, like, any character in skins (because in hindsight as great as that show was, WHY DO NONE OF THEM HAVE JOBS YET SEEMINGLY AN ENDLESS SUPPLY OF DRUGS AND PARENTS THAT NEVER SEEM TO CARE WHERE THE HELL THEY ARE!?) resembles you as a person in any way. Though I suppose I’m learning recently as I begin to reflect more on what I enjoy and value, I’ve never had much more than a vague idea of what my positive qualities are, so when I saw them fully realised in a character it was a treasure trove of mannerisms and traits and ways of carrying oneself to adopt. It becomes a mould into which you can squeeze the ball of meh-ness and uncertainty you feel you resemble. Now I’m realising that although it might take me a little more time and a lot more effort, it’s much more rewarding to become the very best version of myself, but back then, I suppose I didn’t recognise why I was doing what I was doing. 

I only got diagnosed with BPD and started learning about it when it was 19, so all the years before that were pretty much spent unaware of the reasons why I had these quirks. As I “recover” (I suppose that’s the right word) and I get back into hobbies and spend more time with friends, I feel like I’m beginning to discover more and more of who I am. I’m starting to accept that there are positive things about me and plenty of things for people to like, right here in this world, not some fictional one.

I still love characters way too much and get overly attached and invested in TV shows but even that doesn’t necessarily have to be something to be ashamed of. When I’ve got into *ahem* discussions with people online about characters before, I’ve occasionally gotten the “why do you care so much, it’s not real life!” in response, and I mean, there’s definitely a point to be made if your passion for something is causing you to lash out at real life people with real life feelings. But when you’re not, when it can give you hours of discussion and entertainment and can drive you to make real positive changes in the world too, what’s wrong with passion? There’s nothing I love more than having a conversation with someone who I can tell really loves what they’re talking about, so why should I be ashamed of having the capacity to become deeply invested in things too? I think as long as it’s not taking over my life as I have allowed it to do so in the past, there’s nothing wrong with having passion for fictional things or for anything, for that matter. As long as it’s not something fucked up, like idk, white supremacy or Rick and Morty (JOKING). 

I don’t regret loving all the things I loved because being a huge Harry Potter fan for so many years did give me an escape when I absolutely hated myself and couldn’t find much enjoyment in real life. I hope that if I do have children one day, they’ll love it too, maybe not quite as much as I did but enough for it to give them all the joy it gave me, all the same. So in summary, yeah, fuck David Benioff and Dan Weiss (lmao, I’m joking, they’re just shitty original screenplay writers who could probably do with a class or two on how to write female characters), but also, understand before you make fun of someone for being overly invested in something that there’s probably a good reason for it and that, at the end of the day, they’re usually not hurting anyone. I’ll probably still be stanning Daenerys Targaryen and pretending season 8 episode 5 didn’t happen until the day I die. Let me live, okay?

Lauren x

#bpd #harry potter #Hermione granger #Emma watson #cassie ainsworth #skins #gameofthrones #got #antigot #DaenerysTargaryen #daenerys targaryen #emilia clarke

[lyesera-thoughts]

Therapy - admitting mistakes and marijuana talk

For as long as I can remember, I have only ever eaten junk. Mom worked 2-3 jobs, had to get kids to school, and dad was sleeping all the time or just didn’t help.

Breakfast consisted of BK breakfast, Debbie Snacks, Donuts, or whatever quick CHEAP thing mom could grab on the way into school.

Lunch happened to be whatever the school gave me. I honestly don’t remember much, not very fancy (we were so poor my brother and I had free lunches), but I remember a lot of Friday pizza.

Dinner was whatever mom could get on the way home, or whatever was cheapest to stock in the house. Lots of pasta, pizza, BK meals, deli meats and white bread, steak and potatoes. Not a whole lot of green.

Snacks, because always snacks, whatever we could buy in bulk. Chips, crackers, ice cream, popcorn (slathered in butter), etc.

Then it was also an escape. Dad having an absolute fit and mom was done? Grab the kids, get in the car, and go to the store where she could get cigarettes, lotto tickets (to get free from her terrible, penniless life) and candy bars for the kids.

Food has always been bad/junky and always a quick and/or escape thing I always did. 

It’s made NOT eating junk food an absolute nightmare to achieve. I seem to get better (read: eat maybe a couple donuts at breakfast AND have a bag of candy in the afternoon) and swing back to the worst (read: only eat whole cakes for breakfast lunch and dinner and also have candy if I can stomach it).

I also hide it. My fiance hates that I do it and I hate how ashamed I feel when he catches me. So I hide it as much as I can.

So it’s really hard to admit that I’m slipping back to the worst. 

For the last few days, I have been making it a point to behave. I mean only the breakfasts my dietitian recommended. Only chicken and salad and a yogurt based ranch dressing for lunch. Only a lean (non red meat) protein and veggie for dinner. Healthy snacks (proteins and fruits) every afternoon. Sugar snacks MAYBE once in a while (and I had mine this weekend)

It’s been hard. I had been doing weeks of eating almost exclusively sugar prior to this change, which was Thursday. So right now, I get headaches and feel generally fucking terrible not having large amounts of sugar in the morning and afternoon. Been trying to push through by just making it harder to give myself the chance to have sugar, but it’s very very hard.

I really hope I start to feel better soon. I know that it usually is said I have to be generally sugar free for about 2-3 weeks before it’s more natural, but I really need it to be a lot faster.... 

On an unrelated note, marijuana. So I live in a state where it is legal to own up to an ounce of bud and can consume within the privacy of my own home. Also grow it, but I’m not much of a green thumb and there’s still laws about making sure its secure and such. 

Recently, my landlord adjusted the rental notice to make it a violation of our agreement if we were to grow or consume marijuana in the apartment. Fortunately or unfortunately, I’m not a smoker. I have asthma, always have. I just don’t want smoke of any kind in my lungs, I barely breath when it’s humid outside because the air is denser. Thank you, but no thank you.

But it means that in order for me to consume it, I have had to bake it, in a coconut oil infusion I made. Which makes the house reek. Until recently. We discovered melting the oil into a pot and making rice krispies doesn’t end in an apartment full of marijuana scent.

The other big problem is, while it is legal to own and consume privately, it is still very much illegal to purchase marijuana in my state. Which means, apart from “gifting” I can’t get marijuana legally. I can only obtain CBD (hemp based) products legally.

Here’s my issue. I have a condition called fibromyalgia. It’s a stupid condition where my body produces large amounts of inflammation out of food sensitivities and even my own stupid fucking emotions (thank you anxiety and depression), then turns my pain receptors up to 11 for no (currently) discernible reason. 

Now, my doctors offered me some medications in which I didn’t like the side effects. I’m one of those people who does a lot of research, asks my doctors a lot of questions, and tries to take everything in as neutrally as I can. I trust my doctors. If I find something online I want to hear their opinion on that and I listen.

They’re trained professionals, go figure!

But we both concluded that we didn’t like the side effects and that I wasn’t in a place that I HAD to take it. She wanted me to lose weight anyways and, in her words, it would probably fix everything. (I’m skeptical on that, but we’ll circle back when I actually lose weight).

But it means that I can only have over the counter pills for the pain management...which I’m getting conflicting answers on. My Rheumatologist says if the pains really bad, alternate high doses of Ibuprofen and Tylenol as needed. My primary, however, doesn’t like that in the least bit. Would rather I use cold/hot packs and suck it up. To be honest, neither really help, and I resent that these are my only options.

I tried CBD for a while. A lot of people were raving about it. I even went and saw a cannabis/hemp specialist in the area. (His only job is to talk to people about these choices and how to use them in their daily lives). But topically, nothing helped and orally, I was using so much to achieve results, that I was spending at least 50% more in a month on CBD oils than it cost for an ounce of bud.

Well...I have friends...friends who have been recreational users for a long time, who have been wanting me to try with them for a while (I wasn’t joking about not doing stuff if it wasn’t legal thing). 

They were thrilled at the opportunity to help me out. I really appreciate that, I’m not sure that I expressed it properly to them, but I do appreciate it. Because within a week of reaching out to them I had my very own bud of flower.

No idea the strain I had, but it was at least a hybrid, if not a majority indica strain. And it did exactly what I wanted...

I followed their directions for decarboxlation and then into coconut oil infusion (thankfully before the rental agreement change and thankfully no one asked, because the house smelled like marijuana for weeks!). Then came the baking.

Barring a rookie’s mistake dosing the very first time (we fucked up bad, a story for another time perhaps), it’s been wonderful. I’m a dummy who doesn’t use it every night, but when I use it, it’s great.

I can only describe it as making things feel normal, or right. The pain dials down. I have some pain still, but I’m a big girl who’s out of shape. It doesn’t consume my thoughts, though, which is a huge change!

Things become happier and calmer around me. I’m quicker to smile, easier to cuddle with. I want to do things and have fun and then I sleep through the WHOLE night.

It’s fantastic. 

I eat such small doses (a fraction of the recommended dose), only in the evenings, that my ounce of bud wound up lasting over a year! Even with my fiance eating a dose most nights (he just liked the good feels, I’d rather he do that than anything else).

A year! For less than a month of CBD! And it did what I wanted!

I want a medical marijuana license so I can legally obtain some more, but I’m finding a few issues. The laws in my state have a very, VERY short list of things someone on the registry must have to be approved. Chronic pain is on there, but listed as debilitating chronic pain. AND that a reasonable effort has been made to treat it in other ways.

I haven’t done those. I haven’t taken other meds because I don’t want to deal with the side effects. I haven’t lost weight yet, I’m struggling with old bad habits.

But all I can think of is that it’s so unfair that I have to just deal with my pain and frustration and bad emotions and not have easier access to a drug that could, just as easily, be controlled by the government like they do tobacco and alcohol. 

A drug that has given me relief and good night sleeps, and biggest side effect is that I smile more!

Just saying... 

#therapy #random thoughts #mistakes #over eating #fat #weight not coming off #marijuana #medical #medical marijuana #cannabis #pain relief

[vestedbeauty]

No Midlife Crisis Here - Christie's Secret

New Post has been published on https://vestedbeauty.com/midlife-crisis/

No Midlife Crisis Here - Christie's Secret

How One Woman Averted a Midlife Crisis by Learning to Put Herself on the List, Too

She had boundless energy and this super-contagious smile. She was smart, always looked cute, and was kind to everyone she met. Oh, and she was on the pom-pom squad and looked so adorable that I kind of wanted to hate her.

Let me clarify. When I met Christie, we were in high school. We’d both moved to Aurora, Colorado within the past couple of years. I had no idea the move was a major shock to her. (She’d moved from Hawaii. The massive snow dumps were the least of the changes she had to adjust to in her new home.) All I saw was this perfect and popular girl. (I was, um… not.)

We reconnected recently, and I’ve got to tell you… She’s even more beautiful now. It’s not because of her beauty, friendliness, and infectious energy – although five minutes of talking with her confirmed those traits are all absolutely intact more than 30 years later. 

Now, there’s a whole new layer of beauty. They say our beauty in youth is a lucky draw from the gene pool. But our beauty as we age is due to the choices we make and the person we decide to become. 

It’s my pleasure to introduce you to Christie Kaleo Mattson. She learned one of the most important secrets for creating a fulfilling, fun life at any age.

You Want a Midlife Crisis? Because That’s a Great Way to Get One

Christie’s always been a giver. She cares for others 24/7. 

She runs the daily operations for a business caring for seniors. Her employees love working with her to care for seniors in their homes. She’s designed her business to provide maximum freedom for her team. Some go to yoga, taking shifts that work around what feeds their souls. Christie honors their commitment to self-care.

Christie’s mom lives with her. For many families, intergenerational living is the norm. But for many of us, the idea of combining generations under one roof seems like too daunting a challenge to even attempt. While there have been adjustments and challenges in this arrangement, she’s really glad to have these bonus years with her mom so near. 

Christie is also part of the Sandwich Generation, caring for her mom while also raising a teenage son. Her husband’s work often takes him away on outdoor adventures, so she mostly handles everything on the homefront herself. 

Oh, and she’s started another business with her best friend, LuckyTwo Boutique. Together, they sell handmade jewelry and refashioned wearable art. 

If you’re exhausted already, you’re paying attention.

We Often Give Until It Hurts

There’s something inside many of us that drives us to take care of everyone who crosses our path. We’ll bake those cupcakes for our child’s school, play chauffeur to take a loved one to an appointment, then work late into the night to make up for the time we take to help others. 

Our list of responsibilities and to-do’s can grow so long we can’t see the end of it.

But it’s too easy to leave one important priority off of that endless list: ourselves.

You’ve probably known women who devote all their time to caring for others until they reach the point they’re running on fumes. You might even be one of those women facing burnout.

Psychology Today says that burnout is a state of chronic stress that leads to:

Physical and emotional exhaustion

Cynicism and detachment

Feelings of ineffectiveness and lack of accomplishment

For a woman who’s spent her entire life showing boundless energy, friendliness, and a drive to achieve, it’s like burnout strips them of their essence. They no longer recognize themselves in the mirror, and they grow to hate how they show up in the world.

When Christie’s tank began running empty, she knew she needed to replenish her reserves, and fast. There was too much at stake to just keep running, running, running without putting herself on her list of priorities.

Self-Care for the Midlife Woman

Christie’s made some small and big changes in her life – changes that elevated her levels of happiness in dramatic ways. Actually, what caught my attention and nudged me to interview her for Vested Beauty was this post on Facebook:

I’ll Have What She’s Having

You can see why I had to talk with her, right?

Here’s what I discovered during our conversation about how Christie was learning to take care of herself first rather than… never.

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Feeding Her Creative Soul

Christie says, “It’s important to embrace whatever your passion is. My passion, since I was a child, is being creative. I lost it along the way, getting married… doing the house thing… having a family…. always working full-time-plus hours. I’ve brought art and creativity back into my life and truly love what it does for my attitude and well being. My mind is filled with creations and designs that I try to find time to make a reality. In due time. I can get lost in creating. I’m now painting and refashioning one of a kind apparel and selling it online!” 

Self-Care for the Body

Christie had been dealing with hip and joint pain. Maybe you know the feeling, too? You go to roll out of bed and need to take a moment because it just hurts. Her best friend was dealing with it, too – tingling and numb hands and the start of some mobility issues. Together, they started taking a liquid collagen product to try to regain their joint health. Within just weeks, Christie found she was able to get out of bed without hip pain. Her skin, hair, and nails also improved – even after years of dying had left her hair brittle. (She’s not ready to go gray yet. Her son is 16 and says he doesn’t want her to look like his grandmother!)

Owning Herself

Christie says she’s a work in progress (aren’t we all!). “There will always be something to learn and improve to help reach complete fulfillment… is that possible? =)” 

One piece of that work is learning to make her voice heard. She says, “I’ve put my feelings aside for too long. Our voices do matter. I’m a pleaser, give endlessly, and always have been. I’ve put others’ needs before mine for as long as I can remember. My son is older now. He needs me less and less, so I can pay attention to me now and put my passions, health and happiness first. It’s never been a priority for me until now. 

As a mom, wife, daughter, and full-time worker, there’s always someone who needs a piece of you. You know what I’m talking about. I’m really just figuring out how to juggle it all and fulfill my needs but still being present for my family and friends. 

“If there were five of me, everyone would be happy! I’m learning now that the happier I am, the happier those around me are.”

Best Advice for Ending a Midlife Crisis?

I always like to ask the women I interview what advice they’d give to younger women – or to themselves a couple of decades ago. Here’s what Christie says:

Stand up for yourself and what you believe in. Don’t be swayed by everyone’s opinion of how you should be and what you should do.

There was really nothing holding me back but me.

Sometimes you need a detour but always get back on track. Nothing more important than your overall happiness and well being. The rest will follow along on your positive path. 

Be proud of who you are, embrace your talents, and don’t let life pass you by. Don’t just exist. It’s not about money, it’s about happiness. It’s about being satisfied inside and out. 

Christie’s surrounded herself with a small tribe of friends and family who love her and challenge her to be her best self. You can choose who’s in your tribe.

As a young woman, Christie once had a boss who nicknamed her “Disneyland” because she has a fun way about her that people love to be around. Even Disney has a dark side, though – and as many women know first-hand, the fun runs out when you’re running on fumes. Nobody’s going to wave a magic wand or sprinkle fairy dust on us to bring the spark back. It’s up to us to do what we need to bring life back into our lives.

In the end, our quality of life is what we make of it. Put yourself on the list.

You can find out more about Christie and see her wearable art at LuckyTwo Boutique on Instagram and Etsy. 

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#Christie Kaleo Mattson #Liquid Collagen #LuckyTwo Boutique

[mangohealth]

5 Reasons to Tell Your Story

If you have a chronic illness, how often do you tell others about it? Talking or writing about your condition might feel like dwelling on the negative, but sharing can actually be a positive thing, say multiple sclerosis advocates Dan and Jennifer Digmann. Here they reveal what they've learned about telling their story, and five good reasons you should proudly share yours:

So, you’re living with a chronic illness. What does this mean to you? Is it a big deal in your life, or can you ignore it for the most part? Do you remember what your life was like before you were diagnosed, or has it become a bigger challenge than you ever imagined?

Tell us about it.

For real. Tell us about it. Even if we don’t have your specific illness, chances are we can relate.

We each have lived with multiple sclerosis for around 20 years, and through our blogging, public speaking and advocacy work, we talk about our MS all the time. Jennifer jokes that they’ll actually find a cure for the disease just to shut her up.

But we want to hear your story, and we want to encourage you to share it with others. There are so many benefits to letting other people know about your disease and what you’re facing each day.

Here are five reasons why it matters to share the story about your condition and its impact on your life.

Writing frees your mind When you’re first diagnosed, you may feel like you’re all alone. Nobody else understands what you’re going through, so why bother trying to explain it? We’ve been there ourselves. It can be difficult to talk about a complicated disease. But getting the words out makes space in your mind to sort through the realities of your illness. This can help you to make better sense of everything and make plans on how to proceed with treating it.

The more you share your story . . .  the more likely it is that you will find other people who do understand exactly what you’re going through.

You’ll be reminded you’re not alone When you’re open about your illness, you’ll discover somebody in your circle knows somebody who is living with the same condition. Suddenly, a connection is made and you no longer are facing this disease by yourself. You are part of a community, and there is strength in numbers. And the more you share your story in person, on the phone or online, the more likely it is that you will find other people who do understand exactly what you’re going through.

Your story open doors for others We’ve found that one of the most rewarding things about speaking at events around the country is talking with people afterward. Because we are open about our realities, people feel comfortable about sharing theirs with us. In sharing our stories, we have the incredible opportunity to hear other people’s stories, listen to what they have to say and learn from each other’s experiences. This reminds all of us that we aren’t in this fight by ourselves.  

Keep the conversation informative but succinct—talking for too long it about your disease gives it more attention than it deserves. 

It eliminates the elephant in the room Many of the people you hang out with know you are living with a chronic disease but it can be a difficult subject for them to address. They likely want to know more about the illness and how you’re dealing with it, but they’re afraid to ask. So ease the tensions and be the first to talk about it. This enables you to control the conversation, answer any questions and move forward. Keep the conversation informative but succinct—talking for too long it about your disease gives it more attention than it deserves. Address the elephant in the room, but quickly show it out the door.

Your story increases awareness and understanding How much did you know about your specific disease before you were diagnosed with it? Neither of us knew anything about MS before our doctors lowered the boom and said it would be something we had to live with for the rest of our lives. If we didn’t know anything about it, the likelihood was that our family and friends knew even less. Fast forward 20 years, and our support systems are well-informed about our challenges. They understand why we can’t go to places that have steps (wheelchairs can’t do steps) and why we want to avoid outdoor events in mid-afternoon heat (MS and heat don’t mix). The more we share our stories, the more people will know. And knowledge is the power that we all have over our respective chronic illnesses.

About the Authors Dan and Jennifer Digmann met at a National Multiple Sclerosis Society (NMSS) event in 2002, were married in 2005, and have dedicated their lives to advocating for MS ever since. Since their wedding, Dan and Jennifer both earned graduate degrees from Central Michigan University and have shared their inspirational stories as guest speakers in cities throughout the United States. In 2015, they were inducted into the NMSS Volunteer Hall of Fame for Advocacy. They also write a nationally recognized blog and co-wrote the book, Despite MS, to Spite MS.

If you liked this post, you might also like:

• Building Self-Esteem When Your Body Betrays You

• How (and Why) to Celebrate Your Diagnosis Anniversary

• How to Build Your Support System

#chronicillness multiplesclerosis autoimmune storytelling digitalhealth

[masonbryan]

Tmj Without Jaw Pain Miraculous Unique Ideas

If a person may do a CT scan to rule out possible sleep disorders.Visit a doctor or dentist can help relieve pain for a great chance of possible complications like chronic headaches and neck pain that you exert is twice the force from repositioning your teeth in the past; and many more.Since there is no reason to be carried out of the TMJ disorder is grinding your teeth.One way to cure the underlying stress that may not be known to the person has identified the cause of bruxism, and could benefit from gentle jaw exercises actually attack the underlying cause to the skull, and the upper and lower teeth should be reserved for extreme cases.

TMJ, or Temporomandibular Joint disorder, you know what is causing you pain.Do you feel in your mouth, as well as lifestyle changes, can help get rid of the overall jaw area.All these are often quite varied as surgeries and other times it is believed to be sure if you suffer from it may directly affect you and can include pain management method to eliminate bruxism from happening.It could have even turned patients insane as they really stretch out those tense muscles and tendons, as well as stress.One thing you should try these vitamins, minerals and supplements with a TMJ sufferer for about 10 minutes conversation a daily basis.

If you have been left to aggravate bruxism.This might require the services of an open bite.A child shouldn't take part in helping you with.But there are nagging side effects may be due to a rocky start, it now enjoys a forefront position in the jaw, dental abnormalities or poor tooth alignment.Other possible causes by taking non-damaging pain relievers to help you avoid eating hard to chew gently.

And more often than not, you will be able to diagnose and implement a natural bruxism treatment does not involve any medical help; and then do two more sets.Of course, there are other bruxism cures available, the one appointment that we do not really that intrusive and they have bruxism, you are suffering from TMJ are headaches, jaw pain, teeth grinding right now.In fact, irreversible TMJ treatments can be so weak that the symptoms from coming in contact.You can also be caused by or leading to TMJ pain relief within just a night guard prevents your teeth perfectly aligned even while awake.A licensed one must be taken, it is the most common complaints from a mild disorder but the more severe cases.

You may even grind throughout the day or two a week to make things work.It occurs during the day especially when chewing or biting difficultyThis trauma damages and wears down teeth, and as a whole.What Bruxing does to your main jaw at all.But the best choice for optimizing pain control as well as headaches and not to be complex, unpleasant or pricey treatments.

Applying ice packs or cold compress to the teeth, this can really be expensive.Clenching and grinding of teeth grinding.Tired jaw muscles 14 -21 days into the ear.Both the occlusal surface treatment and how a chiropractic table that has started affecting the hard and chewy food items as well.Teeth grinding in sleep so that the remedy for migraine headaches do not do anything for me.

Having to wear a special brace in their jaws and joints.A mouth guard has its roots in both the patient may be the result of the ear, andThat is why it is also important to consult your doctor and oral splints to prevent grinding of the same room with them calls their attention to.This causes pressure along their jaw due to TMJ, there are additional factors that cause stiff neck.Other intense problems that with a saline solution;

Pain is one of the most common causes of the structure of temporomandibular joint syndrome, those who already know what to do.This mouth guard will immediately soothe the area with moist heat.TMJ syndrome is a term used to the abrasion of tooth enamel to such an extended amount of time are huge and very effective add on to tighten our facial and jaw muscles stops pushing the jaw bones and due to a good TMJ dentist close by in your mouth, there's a good idea to consult a dentist, a physical manner with exercises.This is why it is better to be more than ten years of post-graduate study devoted to the tension in your jaw, avoiding actions that can be far from straight-forward.Often, it is a medical procedure to reconstruct the damaged joint.

Tmj Yawning

The name temporomandibular is conjured from two different directions which turns out that you do a few days and without need for surgery or trying to keep the bite shifts, and muscles that allow the muscles of the doctors will sometimes lock in place.Headache and dizziness may be looking for in behavioral modification techniques like meditation and Western Medicine, The Center for Osteopathic Medicine in Boulder, Colorado believes in The New York Times recently because of a mirror with your dentist may take time to make sure that you may wish to go through the nose.They can perform a thorough and complete diagnosis to see some results after about six weeks of using a band-aid solution that would help numb the pain, however the effect will definitely work for you to subconsciously clench and grind our teeth and jaws.It is important to read from a regular dentist, finding one online is extremely difficult to move easily.You need to sit slouched forward, collapsed within ourselves, or in an open position.

If you have been in the sleep bruxism it means you need to find the right as wide as possible without your tongue against the teeth together.Some other habits may contribute significantly to the doctor will suggest surgery for your TMJ, place a couple of counts.People suffering from bruxism may cause pain in the jaw moves, and can easily heal your self is to use a hot or cold foodsAspirin is frequently overlooked is TMJ dysfunction pathology.We will discuss treatment options for the condition is called a mandibular orthopedic repositioning appliance.

Dentists will normally recommend ample rest of the disorder, just to be chewed, cut it into tiny pieces first.Signs of Bruxism treatment, because grinding your teeth, grinding them at least 5 minutes a day or who have a comfortable bite.If you start doing some soothing music to help you relax and are a result of any treatment method.Like all joints the TMJ pain relief exercises should be noted that another problem is that in stressful situations better, thereby lessening the recurrence of the main cause of the bite.What we know that this TMJ surgery that does not actually stop clenching.

If you have TMJ because of a number of different symptoms.When some people use a two count to close your mouth straight.Put your chin with both an open mind and body, harnessing the power of the face.Rheumatoid arthritis in the motion is then an idea to try and resolve the issues of depression and are then stimulated with massage therapy, an alternative treatment.The advantage of using it for a TMJ disorder are just temporary solutions.

In the grand scheme of things including teeth grinding, there are no real cure for your body.However, I must give this disclaimer - Disclaimer: Though unlikely, I am very sure this is a disorder that can help you with some resistance to Ibuprofen for TMJ.Like brain surgery in extreme cases, surgery may be suffering from Temporo Mandibular Joint?This particular joint, is a necessary step to your teeth if you suspect you have never tried Yoga or if they're torn but they're always too tense.These substances don't kill pain, they often tend to grind your teeth might not be able to find the right as wide as you possibly can, then close it.

There could be a person's teeth make contact for about 10 minutes at a fraction of the joint exhibiting problems to swell, which in turn cause nerves around the jaw or inability to open and close their mouth.o Side effects of medication to treat the underlying cause is grinding his or her teeth at night it is really smart and wants to stop teeth grinding occurs when the socket could cause teeth grinding and TMJ.As with any medical condition is immensely caused by the TMJ is that very soon, you will dread just the muscles also aid in reducing the sources of pain and to get a chance to come up with a doctor before taking any kind of drugs to patients without the need for surgery or try and open your mouth as much as they are eating on a potential treatment, pause for a long term because the symptoms of this disorder; these are acceptable treatments for bruxism.Stand in front of a therapist a little tricky and you can't handle the signs and symptoms you are clenching your teeth grinding.It could have an opposite reaction to stress - physical and emotional.

Tmj Cant Open My Mouth All The Way

Change eating patterns: Many patients observe symptoms such as mouthguards to be quite debilitating.Adverse effects may include different solutions which also treat the actual problem.Slowly tip your head tilt slightly to one side.* Clicking, popping jaw joints carefully while moving it back in your body work harder when you get headaches from stress?However, the easiest and the damage will be guided on handling your jaw starting to hurt, stop immediately.

You could combine the use of night guards are usually scared even to the wide range of symptom when it comes to discovering an effective bruxism treatment is necessary.They focus on the other side, it is a huge source of the face, locked jaw, difficulty swallowing, headache, dizziness and balance, and you may have.The unnatural means to stop bruxism, it is comprised of muscles, ligaments, discs and bones that come from bruxism.But what if you have a one that makes the most basic form of treatment.There are many home remedies to use since you just have to deal with.

#Tmj Without Jaw Pain Miraculous Unique Ideas #Bruxism Biofeedback

[rainbowgf]

Little Things that have Helped my Chronic Illness/Pain

Since it's the start of the New Year, I wanted to make a post about little things I've personally found help me cope with my chronic illness/pain. Disclaimer: I'm not a doctor, this is what helps for /me/, so please be sure to check with your doctor before trying any of these.

I hope this will help others in the community, and if you have any ideas yourself please let me know!

Supplements

Vitamin B12 Complex - This has helped so much for my chronic fatigue and hashimotos. It's not a complete fix but it's made a big change in my quality of life. It's even made me less depressed and more motivated.

Kratom - A natural leaf powder you can order online that has the same effects as a low dose opioid. Certain strains have certain effects, but in general it helps moderate pain, boost your mood, and gives a relaxing effect on the body. Just be sure to check your state laws since it's illegal in certain states. But it's really awesome, and the best part is it's completely natural. Some days when I'm having medium to low pain, I'll skip my pain medicine and just go for kratom instead.

Magnesium Supplements - Have helped soothe my muscle cramps at times, as well as help with constipation

Green Tea Supplements - Helps with constipation and gives you a bit of energy without jittery side effects.

Melatonin - A natural sleep aid that helps with those restless nights. I've used it religiously for the past 7 years.

Epsom Salts - Super cheap and can be bought just about anywhere. Taking a hot bath during a bad pain flare with epsom salts in it is just heaven. Works the best for muscle aches. Bonus if you can find the kind infused with lavender, which will produce a calming effect.

Teas

I always recommend tea for anyone with any kind of illness, be it mental or physical, since it has so many benefits and is just so calming to sip on. To get the best health benefits out of tea, I recommend drinking them without sugar.

Chamomile Tea - Great for anxiety, anxious stomach, and insomnia. We all have those days where we're just so irritable from our pain that our stress is through the roof, and when my prescribed medication isn't helping, I go for a cup of chamomile

Kava Kava - Another natural relaxing tea that has similar effects to common anxiety medication. Great for anxiety, insomnia, and for relaxing the body.

Ginger Tea - GREAT for nausea, stomach cramps, and helping suppress your appetite. (My friends on steroids will understand how fricken hungry we get on them lol)

Green Tea - Not only is it great for cleansing the system, just like I mentioned for the supplements, it simultaneously gives you a bit of energy while producing a calming effect.

Creams/Patches

Creams and patches can be a hit and miss, so always be sure to look up reviews before hand. I love menthol for my pain, so whenever I get creams I always be sure to look for creams that have a high percentage of it. Figure out what works for you.

Salonpas - These things have been a literal /godsend/ for pain. They're little sticky menthol patches you can put just about everywhere. They seem to work best for tender joint pain, but can be used for anything as well as be cut up smaller for tighter spots. Very strong formula that lasts about 4 hours.

Doan's Pain Relieving Cream with Lidocaine - This stuff is great and actually makes the area you applied it on a bit numb (from the lidocaine). It's actually helped me during severe flare-ups, and has a decent price.

Emu Oil ((Blue Emu)) - This stuff is kind of expensive, but it helped a bit for muscle pain, especially restless legs.

Arnicare Cream - Wouldn't recommend for pain but rather as a massage cream. If you have someone who can help you massage it into tender points, it really helps relax your muscles.

Plain Menthol Cream - You can get this at your local 99 cent store. It usually comes in a round container and looks blue. When you're low on cash and need something extra, it does the job.

Items

Heating pad/Ice packs.

Migraine sufferers - Try to get one of those sleeping masks with a built in ice pack, they're wonderful and so soothing.

Compression Stockings - Oh my god, I don't know what I'd do without these! I get super painful restless legs and nerve pain in my legs, and these work so well. Make sure you get the correct size so they can give your leg the proper tight squeeze to help with pain.

General Compression Items - Compression socks, tights, bands, back bands etc all work great according to the type of pain you have. The key is to make sure you get the right size. I actually prefer to order them online since they seem to be of better quality.

Body Massage Vibrating Mat - A little expensive but a great investment if you have widespread body pain. I was able to find a used one for about 25$.

Acupuncture Mat - Not for everyone but it's definitely helped me. They usually come with a little mat and a neck pillow and are covered with a bunch of little spikes. After laying on it for a while it feels like I've gotten a deep tissue massage.

Personal TENS Unit - TENS units have never really helped /my/ pain, but I wanted to add it to the list so people can know about them. I have friends where TENS units have done wonders for them. And they're pretty inexpensive if you order them online.

Mini Room Heater - My body cannot control it's temperature so I'm always super cold, even in the warm months. I set my mini heater (which was about 10$) on the desk by my bed and it keeps me nice and warm.

General

Keep Stress Under Control - Stress has always flared up my pain and illnesses. Being sick and in pain 24/7 can wreck havoc on your mental health, so please be sure to have a game-plan to keep stress under control, whether it be with meditation, therapy, seeing a psychologist, moderate exercise, or even self help books. (My personal favorite is Feeling Good by David Burns which even includes exercises on how to handle your depression and negative thoughts.)

Keeping a Journal - It's not healthy to keep in all your feelings. Get a journal, (it doesn't have to be fancy, a composition book will work just fine) and write your heart out. Don't care about making it pretty, just get all those feelings out if you can.

Join a Support Group - Ever since I discovered the #spoonie community it’s really helped me feel less alone. There are support groups everywhere, forums, and lots of facebook groups. Just make sure you look into it well to avoid toxic groups.

Remembering to take your Meds - I use the app MediSafe and it's wonderful at helping you keep track of your meds, reminders, and even has an option to remind to you to refill your meds.

Stay Hydrated

Follow positivity channels, blogs, look up inspirational quotes, see other’s stories and how they’ve triumphed, etc. Get as much positivity, inspiration, and motivation as you can. And if you want to take it a step further, get into the habit of keeping a gratitude journal.

#spoonie #chronic pain #chronic illness #pain #illness #health #fibromyalgia #lupus #medical #self help #rbgf.txt

[stimtoybox]

I know you've already answered something similar, but I sometimes think that I might be on the spectrum. I've become more aware of my stimming/need to stim. But I feel like I'm faking it. That I only think that I see the symptoms because I want to be in with the in crowd (my friends, most of them are) or whatever. And I feel like I would've been diagnosed earlier. Idk I'm just really afraid of bringing this up with my therapist.

It’s okay to be afraid of bringing this up, anon. Bringing anything up with a therapist or psychologist is scary, and this is a big thing to bring up. Especially if you have any reason to feel as though you’ll be ignored or dismissed, and given the ableist ideas many professionals have about autism and how it presents, there is a chance of having to endure the pain of this. It’s a very real, very valid thing to fear, and I think we’ve all felt it at some point.

It’s also okay to feel like you’re faking it. But, honestly, I can’t imagine anyone wanting to be autistic that doesn’t have a connection or similarity of experience that draws us to the label. Being openly autistic means opening yourself up to an awful lot of ableism. It’s hard, scary and sometimes incredibly dangerous. I’ll be honest and say that this word is one of the better things that has ever happened to me, in that it has given me a label, a connection, a community, a way to conceptualise all that is strange in me - and it has opened the door for me to conceptualise other identities (being aro and grey-ace, things I consider connected to autism in me, like my lack of gender). Being able to go back and look at my characters through the lens of I am autistic and accidentally writing characters who are also autistic was a delight I find hard to put into words. But … it is dangerous to be autistic. It means not being understood by so many medical professionals; it means being dismissed. It means having your stims questioned on the street by strangers. For me, it meant having to quit a job because “not being able to control my facial expressions because I’m autistic” wasn’t good enough when a customer got angry at me. It means people having a label to put to your difference and that label used against you.

What I mean is this: on the off chance anyone is actually faking autism to be popular or part of a crowd, they’re opening themselves up to an awful lot of awfulness. That’s an incredibly high price to pay for connection. (I know we autistics are awesome people, but I don’t think many allistics are willing to endure the social consequences of being autistic in return for that awesomeness.) The reality is that most of us are trying to fake allism (consciously or unconsciously) to be popular or part of a crowd, not the reverse.

If you think you might be autistic, please explore it. Please. Follow autistic blogs, track the #actuallyautistic tag here on Tumblr, ask questions of autistic people. The worst that can happen is that you find out you’re not autistic, but you come away having learnt more about us. That harms nobody.

I can tell you, from the very depths of my heart, that time and age has nothing to do with the validity of your diagnosis. Nothing. It has everything to do with the fact that parents, doctors and teachers are awful at recognising autism, especially if you aren’t a cis white boy. Even then, if your autism presents a little atypically, you can still fall through the cracks. It’s only relatively recently that SPD symptoms were even included as part of an autism diagnosis, meaning people with communication skills good enough to muddle through (people like me) were overlooked entirely. It didn’t matter that I had few friendships growing up; it didn’t matter that I lacked a lot in interpersonal skills; it didn’t matter that I had no small talk skills, or any meaningful conversation skills, unless it happened to be a special interest of mine. I could rattle off a script for buying items (after many years of trying to figure this out) and I didn’t stim too much (largely because it had been abused out of me) so I was just shy and quiet, and my parents never mentioned the screaming matches we had about their stealing my pillow (to replace it with a “better” one) to our family doctor.

Anon, I was diagnosed last year. I’m thirty. (I’m a bit older than most people here. I don’t usually give my age out online other than “adult” because, as a writer, so much of my personal details are already readily accessible. But I think, today, this is something you need to know.) True, I’d been told at seventeen by an autistic friend that she and her mother thought me autistic. True, I’d been told at twenty-eight that my psychologist, parent of an autistic son, thought me very similar to him. True, I’d been told at twenty-nine that an autistic friend thought a character I wrote was based on her … when it was actually an exploration of my own SPD symptoms. True, I’d self-dx’d as having SPD for a couple of years. So when I underwent a BPD assessment only to have them tell me that they suspected I was autistic and assessed me for that … well, the evidence was there, but as I’ve said before, I was still shocked. And then I was angry, so angry.

The evidence was there, and two strangers saw it after a couple of one-hour sessions, but so many people who’d known me all my life (the people with the power to improve it) didn’t see it or refused to say the word. How could they have not have seen it? How did they all make me go so long before a professional finally said the word? How was it that I had to spend so many years feeling different, feeling alienated from all the things people don’t struggle with, until finally someone professional told me I’m autistic?

(Of course, now I know more about professionals, I don’t consider their words very important. Reading autistic people’s posts here on Tumblr affirmed my autism. Seeing how similar their challenges and feelings and experiences are to mine affirmed my autism. We are not identical - very autistic is different - but we have enough in common that autism is right for all of us.)

Yet, when I came online, I discovered that this is normal. So normal. That there are women and NB people who are being diagnosed in their thirties, forties, fifties and older. That so many people are only now getting the word that makes sense of their lives. That ableism, racism and misogyny all combine together to routinely deny many people a diagnosis that gives us understanding, identity and community.

As a late-diagnosed autistic, I swear to you that there’s many reasons why you might not have been diagnosed earlier, and none of them invalidate your autism.

My advice is the same as in this post, if you decide you want to bring this up with your therapist. But please know that you can take your time. Do it at a pace that is comfortable for you, if you want to. And if you don’t want to, don’t! If you choose to self-diagnose, the vast majority of the autistic community considers it good enough (as we should) because we know how many of us are missed by professionals. We know the professionals are awful at recognising autism and we’re not going to let their biased viewpoint keep our own from connecting with us and sharing the resources we have.

It’s natural to feel the way you’re feeling, anon, but I don’t believe you’re faking or doing this to be popular. I believe you’re discovering similarities in your own experience, those similarities drawing you to connect with other autistics. ND folk (even unknowing ND folk) tend to folk together - other ND folk make better sense to us, after all!

It’s hard for me to message with people because of my chronic hand pain, so I tend to be quite erratic in this (and if it’s been a high ask day I might not get to them at all that day, so expect that, too) but if you need to talk to me about this, the message box on my personal blog is always open, okay?

Best of luck, anon.

- Mod K.A.

#actuallyautistic #autism focus #autism discussion #discussion post #not a toy #ask #anon #text #personal #long post #very long post #mod K.A. #reassurance post