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stones-x-bones · 3 years

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Place Your Bets (Pt. 1) || Mina and Bex

TIMING: Current PARTIES: @drowningisinevitable and @inbextween SUMMARY: Mina and Bex go to the Stacked Deck for a little fun away from all the stress. CONTENT: Underage drinking

It wasn’t that Mina didn’t normally take a lot of care into her appearance. Except for the few occasions when she had to wear sweats to class because she slept on campus, she was usually always dressed nice and relatively put together. She didn’t go overboard, but she always made sure to look presentable, especially when she went to play cards. But she never labored over the decision of what to wear like she was. She attributed it to the fact that she rarely had company and wanted to look impressive. She still felt a bit silly as she revolved between sitting on the bed in her room at Morgan and Deirdre’s staring at her clothes and pacing while she stared at her clothes. This was silly. She shouldn’t be nervous. But she was also always nervous, so it made sense. Nice, long-sleeved blouse, skirt, and tights. There. She decided. She fixed herself up, did it again, checked in the mirror. Smoothed down the nonexistent wrinkles in her skirt.

Finally, Mina was bordering on being late to get Bex, which was ridiculous because they were in the same bloody house. Grabbing her keys and checking in the mirror once more to make sure her sleeves were buttoned, she walked to Bex's room. She… hesitated before knocking but eventually figured out how to do that properly. Why was she behaving like this? She’d been hanging out with Bex for days. She’d been keeping her company through everything. Why was she like this? When the door opened, she said, “Hey! Hi. Ah, hi.” She gave Bex a smile. “Are you… ready?”

When Mina had first asked Bex if she wanted to learn how to card count with her, she hadn’t thought about the fact that most gambling was done at a casino. And Bex, well...Bex wasn’t twenty-one yet. And that really should’ve been the end of the conversation, but it wasn’t. And in the end, that wasn’t even what Bex was nervous about. She’d been to casinos before, as young as being 8 years old. Sitting on the floor next to her mom, who was glued to a slot machine. One more pull, darling, one more. So it wasn’t the place that made her nervous, and it wasn’t the person, because, well, she liked Mina. And she liked spending time with Mina. And she liked being around Mina and she thought about Mina like all the time. Kyle had been gracious enough to point that out to her. So it wasn’t that. But something was making her nervous, because she’d changed no less than five times and had asked Morgan no less than three which shoes went better with which dress and which jacket looked nicest, which one covered up her scabs the most. Finally, she’d settled-- and just in time. The knock at the door came as she was just finishing putting up her hair, sliding the last pin in. She’d even spent extra time on her makeup.

Her face lit up at the sight of Mina behind her door. “Hey!” she said excitedly, biting her lip gently as she nodded. “Ready!” She sidled out and shut her door, taking Mina’s hand when she turned back around. “You look really nice,” she noted, leaning over to press a kiss to her cheek again. “Shall we?”

Mina thought that Bex looked really pretty. Of course she thought Bex looked really pretty. Bex always looked really pretty. That wasn’t even a question. “You look really nice, too,” she said, her cheeks heating a bit from both the compliment and the kiss. “Absolutely!” It wasn’t even a lie, despite the nerves. She held out her arm for Bex and began walking them to her car. “Are you sure you want to do this, by the way? We can do something else. I think our luck with movies has improved, or we just get something to eat somewhere.” Something laid back and easy. She backtracked quickly. “If you want to go to The Stacked Deck, though, that’s also fine! I just don’t want you to get bored.” There was also the fact that one of the card sharks was a couple of leprechauns that acted as if they were one person, and a few of them didn’t like her after an incident with a leprechaun colony last year. The one on top tended to give her the occasional look, and she couldn’t understand how any of the humans in the establishment didn’t realize that it was a stack of leprechauns in a trenchcoat, for crying out loud. “I’m really up for anything.”

“No, no! I’m sure!” Bex said, squeezing Mina’s hand. Couldn’t help but wonder if maybe the suggestion was because of what had happened to her. She wasn’t going to let that get to her though. “I wanna go. I wanna see how you do it.” She gave a toothy smile, hoping to encourage Mina-- she’d noticed over their time spent together how tentative the older girl was when it came to talking about things she liked and enjoyed (not to mention the hours they’d spent online teasing about it), but the way her eyes lit up when she’d talked about theorems and card counting made Bex want to do nothing more than make her smile like that again. She deserved to smile like that again. “I want you to teach me. You said you would. I know it’s not a p-word, but you’re not gonna go back on it now, are you?” She gave a false pout, sticking out her bottom lip as they headed to the car. She slid into the passenger’s seat and folded her hands into her lap, the way she always sat in the car, taking up as little space as possible. “So? To the Stacked Deck?” She wondered when would be the best time to let Mina know she couldn’t technically get into a bar, let alone a casino bar combination. Maybe when they got there? Maybe after she flashed her ID and the bouncer read the name. That was the one good thing about her parents being filthy rich and powerful. She reached across and took Mina’s hand again, her heart pounding in her chest-- which hurt less today, so that was nice. What a ridiculous notion, to be so nervous.

“Okay, then,” Mina said, taking a deep breath and giving Bex a small smile. “That I can do.” And, if she showed out just enough to possibly impress Bex a little, then it would probably be worth it. “Of course I will! I try to keep my word, when I can.” She rolled her eyes a bit. “‘P-word.’ You can say it, you know. That won’t do anything. I just ask that you don’t go around making any, especially not with me. Though I’d never make you keep one.” Even when it would serve her better to make sure Bex kept a promise to her. I’ll tell you before I do something, I promise. Mina couldn’t make Bex do that. She wasn’t planning on holding anyone to any sort of dangerous promise or bargain ever again. It had happened to her; she didn’t want to do that to anyone else. “To the Stacked Deck.” She gave Bex’s hand a squeeze before she started driving. The drive felt both too long and too short, but they made it. Mina grabbed her clutch and walked over to Bex and held out her arm, smiling and happy and nervous, the feelings fluttering in her stomach an awful lot for her to be doing something that she did relatively often. “Ready?”

“Well, no one told me that,” Bex argued weakly, frowning. But she wasn’t actually upset, and she couldn’t hold the frown long enough to even pretend she was, a smile bursting its way through. “But what about the really important ones? Morgan said those were okay, as long as you trusted the other person.” Though maybe now wasn’t the time to get into all that. Her heart hammered in her chest the entire way to the bar, and she slid out, taking Mina’s arm and wrapping both her arms around it. This was her second time outside of the house since the incident with Kyle, but those nerves were wrapped up in different ones, so, really, the scariest part hadn’t even happened yet. “Ready! Well--” she started, then paused, pulling Mina off to the side when they got a bit closer, but hopefully not close enough for the man waiting outside to hear, “actually, I should probably let you know, uh, I can’t actually get technically get into the bar without a little, um…” she didn’t wanna say bribery, even if that’s what it would be at its base, “finagling?” She shrugged, giving a nervous smile. “I’m sorry, I should’ve told you before, but I really wanted to come with you and hang out with you. Forgive me?”

“Well, you didn’t ask,” Mina said laughing. Not that she thought that was a common thing to really ask and talk about. It wasn’t normal. Promises shouldn’t be things that carried so much weight. Still, it would be so much easier if Bex would just ask things, sometimes. “If it’s life and death, don’t make a promise. Honestly, I would say that the important ones shouldn’t be promises. Not unless you’re okay with consequences.” She allowed Bex to pull her aside, her smile turning into a worried frown. “Wait, finagling? Why…” Usually, the main problem with getting into bars had to do with being carded for-- Mina’s eyes widened. What was the age to get into bars in America again? She knew this, of course she knew this. “Bex, how old are you?” Oh, this could be bad, right? “I forgive you,” she said immediately, without really thinking about it. Not that there was anything that should be forgiven. “Okay, alright, ah, okay. How much-- I mean, how much trouble would we get in if you went in there?”

“I’m twenty!” Bex said hurriedly when she watched Mina’s eyes go wide. She waved her hands in front of her a little, trying to diffuse any worry that might have popped up. “It’s only a year off, I’m not that young!” Though she wasn’t sure why the thought bothered her, of her being whatever too young to hang out with Mina was. She didn’t even know how old Mina was, anyway. How had they gone this long without disclosing that? It always seemed like there was so much other stuff to talk about, didn’t it? Holidays and whose rambling was more fun to listen to and how nice Mina looked working out. Did it really matter? “Besides, I’ve been to casinos and bars before. It helps having rich parents and an old name.” She looked from Mina to the bouncer, then back to Mina. “Um, depends? If we don’t get caught, none!” she said, brimming with a smile that came with experience. Being locked into a room had never stopped Bex from wanting to get out and explore, though she mostly did it at school where she knew the punishment would be far less. “It should be fine, anyway. Most people in White Crest know who I am, or at least, who my parents are.” She reached out for Mina’s hand again, and found herself a little less sure of an answer she should have been one-hundred percent about. “Do you trust me?”

The relief Mina felt was legitimate. “Oh, good. Okay, that’s good.” She hadn’t thought Bex was young-young, but the whole not being able to get into a club thing had thrown her, if only momentarily. “I… can’t really say anything. I’ve definitely been to bars and casinos before turning the proper age.” Her and her dad had actually lived above a bar for a time in Germany, and she’d only been about fifteen at the time. No one had really cared, then. Of course, things were always quite lax with hunters. “If we don’t get caught, right,” Just what did Bex intend to do to get in? Mina could always force the bouncer into a promise, but she wasn’t as well-versed in wordplay as most of the others in her species. And she doesn’t want to do that. She doesn’t. There wasn’t much she could do. She looked at her and Bex’s hands. “I do trust you. Of course I trust you.” That wasn’t even a question. She squeezed Bex’s hand and gave her a smile. “Alright. Alright, let’s do this, then.”

“How old did you think I was?” Bex asked, raising a brow. “How old are you, anyway? I...don’t think you ever told me.” Not that it mattered, really. Her father had been ready to ship Bex off to someone when she was 18, but her mother had insisted she finish school first. “We won’t get caught. I might not look like it, but I’m really good at not getting caught. People never suspect the well-behaved ones.” She squeezed Mina’s hand. She trusted her. This was the most excited Bex had been in ages-- months, maybe even years-- and she wasn’t about to let a small thing like age ruin it. “Great! Follow my lead!” She tugged Mina’s hand and led them back over to the front doors, forgetting herself and perhaps moving a tad faster than her body was capable of at the moment. At the door there the big, burly man in sunglasses put a hand. “IDs?” Clearing her throat, Bex drew herself up and put on the face she’d been taught to in public-- soft and sweet and charming. “Actually, I’m supposed to be meeting my father here. Is he in?” It was perhaps a dangerous game, considering she hadn’t talked to her father in over a month, but the bouncer didn’t know that. She leaned around as if to glance inside, then looked back at the bouncer. The man didn’t look convinced quite yet. “It’s Ochsenstein. Rupert Ochsenstein,” Bex went on. “You know, the one that one of the VIP rooms is named after?”

Sputtering, the bouncer nodded. “Right, right! Of course! Miss Ochsenstein. I don’t believe he’s here yet, I can show you in, though, if you--” Bex tugged on Mina again and started moving past him. “Oh, no, that’s okay! My guide here is going to show me there. She’s a hired hand. Do you need her ID, too?” she asked, batting her eyelashes. The man looked between the two of them, then shook his head. “All good. I’ll let your father know when he gets--” But the door was already closing as Bex dragged Mina inside. She turned to look back over at her. “Guess they’re good for one thing, huh?”

“Twenties?” Mina said, though she was unsure. “I mean, I knew you were an undergrad…” She hadn’t really thought about it much beyond that. Bex just seemed her age. “Ah, twenty-four, as of September.” She flinched, a bit. She would have cancelled her last birthday if she could. “Okay, alright, this will be fine.” And, really, she believed that enough that it didn’t make her feel all that sick. She allowed Bex to take the lead and was honestly more than a little impressed. The younger girl was terribly believable. For her part, Mina managed to give the man a shaky smile as he looked at her. She couldn’t really say anything without risking getting sick, and it wasn’t like Bex needed help with this. She gave the bouncer a smile as Bex dragged her into the building. She was more worried about whether or not Bex should be dragging her about, but she decided not to comment on it. “That was impressive,” she said, giving Bex a grin. “Much better than I could have done. Do you do stuff like this a lot?”

“I was on my own a lot as a kid,” Bex explained, sticking close to Mina now that they were finally inside. She’d forgotten how overwhelming public bars could be, and knowing the White Crest community, there was bound to be someone here she knew. But...she didn’t need to worry about that right now, did she? She wasn’t even talking to her parents. She was safe with Mina. “I had to learn how to navigate things without help, so, um, yeah? I guess.” She shrugged, stepping closer to Mina as someone sidled by them. “Okay, you’re turn to take the lead,” she nodded, sweeping her gaze around the bar before looking to Mina expectantly, eyes still alight despite the nerves building inside of her. She didn’t want to worry about all the things she normally did, she wanted to enjoy every moment of this night because it’d been so long since she’d just done something for fun. Just done something because she wanted to. And after the week she’d had previously, she just wanted to forget all the bad for a night. “Where to first?”

“Well, it was very impressive,” Mina said. “I could never do anything like that.” Despite their similarities, there were a lot of differences between Mina and Bex that became more and more obvious the longer they got to know each other. Not bad differences; at least, she didn’t think so. But she was beginning to realize that Bex’s parents and Mina’s dad were on two very different levels of strict when it came to parenting styles. Maybe not as different as Mina would like, sometimes, but still different. “Right, I can do that.” She looked around. The leprechaun card shark was at one of the blackjack tables, but there was another blackjack table open where she could avoid them. The woman dealing was also on friendly terms with Mina, which was nice. “You count cards with blackjack, so we can start there,” she said quietly, making sure that no one around them could hear. A few people waved at Mina as they walked by, and Mina returned the gesture with a smile. It had been a few months, but she used to frequent the Stacked Deck relatively often. She was familiar with several of the people there. “I’m admittedly much better at blackjack than poker. But that table’s not too crowded, and I like the dealer, and she likes me. Plus, there’s a card shark at the other table that most definitely doesn’t like me. Does that sound good?”

Bex just grinned, trying to hide her blush. She didn’t hear too many people call her impressive, considering she didn’t have many impressive qualities, she didn’t think. “Blackjack,” she repeated, “got it.” She had only ever played cards casually with other people, like other students. The closest she’d come to gambling was a game of strip poker she’d joined when she first got to University, but had chickened out halfway through when she’d lost another hand and had to ante up either her pants or her bra. “I’m really bad at cards, so I’ll just watch. Is that okay?” she asked as they headed over. She noticed people waving to Mina, greeting her, and it was apparent, then, that whoever was here wasn’t going to notice Bex. A bit of relief flooded through her, but she kept close. Being close to Mina always made her feel better. “What’s a card shark? That sounds like something not good, actually.”

“Yep! It actually uses quite a bit of math, so it works well for me,” Mina told the younger girl, squeezing Bex’s hand in a familiar gesture. The Stacked Deck tended to use about six decks of cards; not the maximum number, but not the lowest by any means. She didn’t usually have a problem with keeping up with the decks, though, not at this point. She could do an entire paper on statistical analyses of cards at this point, but it would just be too short. “That’s fine, though I can’t promise it’ll be super interesting. I’m a pretty tame gambler.” Unless there was an opportunity that she couldn’t pass up on. She smiled. “Well, I mean, technically I’m a card shark, though I’m not exactly cheating. They’re manipulating the game like I am. But I’m better.” She was, too. It wasn’t necessarily bragging, but she was a bit pleased by the fact that she could beat a few leprechauns at the game. Really, they should stick to poker. They’d do far better against her in poker.

“Well, you are the math expert,” Bex said, sliding into the spot next to her, “so I’ll just leave it to you.” There were only a few other people at the table, and a stack of chips was placed in front of them, and Bex looked to Mina. She was excited to see Mina in action, and by the way Mina was talking about everything, she knew the other girl was excited, too. And it always felt better to share that excitement with someone else, didn’t it? Bex could understand that feeling. She’d grown up such a lonely child, even just the idea of sharing something someone else enjoyed made her heart stammer. Or maybe it was just because she was with Mina. She recalled their visit to the falls, and how every moment had made her heart flutter. Even when Mina had seen her bite, eyes staring wide. Bex had never wanted that night to end. She looked down at their hands intertwined, then around to the table, noticing everyone else had both hands preoccupied with holding their cards and placing their bets. She let go of Mina’s and slid her hands into her own lap, leaning into her. She didn't want to assume anything, she didn't know if Mina might feel the same. Or if what she was feeling was really-- “So what first?” she asked, cutting her own thoughts off, wide eyed with wonder.

“I think ‘expert’ is pushing it a bit. I”m hardly an expert,” Mina said as she ducked her head. She got comfortable in her seat, though, and placed her bet as her cards were put in front of her. Two eights. What a bad move to start out on, but it was something she could work with. She frowned at the cards. “So, the goal is to get as close to twenty-one as you can without going over. The number cards are counted at face value, kings, queens, and jacks are all tens, and an ace is a one or an eleven, depending on what works in your favor. My value right now is a sixteen, which isn’t the greatest number to have because if I ask for another card, it could easily go over twenty-one, but if I keep the sixteen, the dealer’s cards could easily be over that.” She motioned with her fingers to split the pair of eights and laid down another chip. “Pairs can be split, though, so I can make this work.” She paid attention to the other players as well as the dealer and the deck, doing the calculations in her head as the dealer laid a queen and a six down on Mina’s split eights. She let the eighteen stand. From the rest of the table, the next card should be low enough. “So, I’m going to hit,” she motioned with her hand, and the dealer rolled her eyes through Mina’s explanations. Another six was laid down, and Mina grinned. “And now I’m going to let both hands stand, so I’m not going to do anything with them, and I’m going to see if this paid off.” She knew it would.

As Mina explained everything, Bex did her best to pay attention. And it really wasn’t that she wasn’t interested in what Mina was saying, it was just that there were other things she wanted to pay attention to more. Like the gleam in Mina’s eyes as she explained what she was doing and how to do it, and that sly hint of confidence that even Bex caught when she declared she was letting her cards stand. Bex had never seen Mina so relaxed, so in her element-- she wanted nothing more than to make sure this lasted as long as possible. She took a moment to glance around at everyone else’s hands and wondered what information Mina was taking in from them, and how it was that she knew her hand was going to pay off. And when the cards flipped and Mina’s hand won, Bex felt a smile grow on her face. “You did it!” she exclaimed happily, before noting all the grumpy looks from everyone else around the table and sank back into herself. “You’re amazing. How’d you know how to do that?”

It was impossible for Mina to not feel happy, just like at the falls. Between the fact that her hand won and between the fact that Bex seemed so happy for her, and she didn’t seem bored, which was what she’d mostly been afraid of, everything was going better than she hoped. She couldn’t imagine that watching a card game was particularly interesting for someone who didn’t enjoy playing cards, but Bex didn’t seem to mind; she actually seemed to enjoy it. “I’m not! I was just--” She went ahead and laid down another chip, less concerned about this bet than the last one. She figured the numbers were going to run on the higher end, anyway. She looked down. Seven and a jack. She let it stand. “I was just playing the game.” She didn’t want to win too many hands in a row, especially with the way the table was. If she won too many, especially since she just got there, it would draw far too much attention in her direction. Card counting wasn’t illegal, but it was frowned upon, and it could get you kicked out pretty quickly. She looked at Bex, smiling, and asked, innocently, “Luck?” She raised an eyebrow a bit. “I usually don’t do so well on the first round, you know.” Because she didn’t try to; she just wanted to be impressive this time around.

“You are,” Bex insisted, lifting a hand to rest on Mina’s arm. “Trust me, I know.” She scooted her chair a little bit closer, finding that she didn’t even care about all the stares around her. Most of the people were more concentrated on the game, anyway, and on Mina, who had come in with a hot hand, it seemed. “Luck is only half of it,” she mumbled so hopefully only Mina could hear, “you should give yourself more credit.” She turned to watch her other hand lay down and saw that she didn’t ask to hit on a seventeen, scrunching her brow. “Is that too high to hit on, then?” Someone made a disgruntled noise and Bex shrunk a little more again, leaning into Mina as if trying to disappear into the other girl. It felt almost like a reflex, as if any strange noise, now, meant something bad. She was her only anchor, her only solid rock keeping her grounded and safe. It didn’t matter what else happened, she was safe here, and she was happy, and so was Mina, and that was what counted. They're was nothing here that would hurt her, and she knew if anything tried, Mina would stop them. She tried to take comfort in that fact, turning away from the disgruntled man. “Sorry, I’m just trying to learn,” she mumbled, casting a grumpy glare over at the man who had rolled his eyes. “Everyone has to start somewhere, right?”

Blushing, Mina cleared her throat a bit and said, quietly and just for Bex, “Yes, well, it is a bit more than luck. Though, I usually don’t play this good alone.” Not at first, certainly. She watched as a person further down the table won the hand. “Seventeen is risky because if you get any number higher than a four, you automatically lose. If you don’t know what number is coming up, it’s best to just let it stand and not risk it.” Which, she knew the probability of a number greater than four was pretty high, so she hadn’t even bothered. She cut her eyes to the man grumbling down the table, a face that she recognized but not a name to go with it, before she looked back at Bex and reassured her, “It’s okay, you don’t have to apologize. It can be difficult to get in the beginning.” When the man gave a loud, obnoxious snort, Mina realized, quite abruptly, that she was going to be taking all of his money. She didn’t even need to, but she was certainly going to. She might even want to do worse, but this way wasn’t violent, and this way only had the slightest chance of her getting them thrown out. She matched his bet and looked at Bex, smiling, “Ask anything that you want to. It’s quite alright.”

“Really?” Bex asked, unsure what she meant in the moment before she realized. “Oh.” Her cheeks flushed a little and she smiled to herself. As much as she’d enjoyed going to the movies or the falls with Mina, she had to admit she liked this much better. Not only could they talk, but Mina seemed to be thriving, and there was nothing more Bex wanted than to see her smile like she had when Bex had first asked her about all this. She owed her, anyways-- not only had she sat through two Jurassic Park movies with her (and that was pretty impressive, considering Bex could not, for the life of her, get herself to shut up during them), she’d literally saved her life. Even if Mina never admitted it or agreed to it, Bex owed her. She watched all the cards flip and Mina’s hand won again. For a brief moment, Bex’s eyes met with the grumpy man’s as he threw his chip into the pile disgruntledly. And in that moment, a sentence popped into her head, one that she hadn’t thought herself. A moment of fear came over her, but the thought came and went. Blinking, she turned to look back at Mina. “What’s an ace up the sleeve?” she asked under her breath.

“Absolutely!” Mina said as she took the chips. She felt more than a little smug, though, by beating the one man she was beating the rest of the table, and she had no intention of letting up on it until he left. She couldn’t beat an out of control werewolf like she desperately wanted to, but she could at least do this. She felt just a bit guilty, but not enough to really stop. She hadn’t been lying, before; she could be of a card shark, too. She was usually just a little kinder about it since, more often than not, it led to her being kicked out of places. She not only matched the man’s bet but doubled it, smiling sweetly at him as she did. She wanted him to know she was playing him. He didn’t seem particularly happy about that fact, though there was a glint in his eye that she didn’t like. At Bex’s question, she looked back and frowned. “An ace up the sleeve is like a secret weapon,” she said. She watched the man closely, looking at his hands. “Or,” she said, her voice a bit louder, “it’s an actual ace up the sleeve, and that’s actually considered cheating, holding onto cards to use for another round.”

Bex usually considered herself a relatively observant person, especially because her well-being often depended on it. But she hadn’t noticed much about the man until Mina spoke up and pointed out that the man had a literal card up his sleeve. She hadn’t even noticed, and neither had anyone else. Maybe her magic had finally done something good, if still unintentional Maybe she was getting better at controlling it. Maybe she could use it again, but-- she didn’t want to ruin any part of this. She just wanted something nice with Mina. So, Instead she just glanced from Mina, to the man, to the dealer, who was now glaring down the rude man. “Um, I heard him say it,” she piped up, unable to help a tiny smug grin from smearing onto her lips, “he mumbled it under his breath while he was insulting my intelligence.” People often assumed Bex would just bend to their will or not have any sort of backbone, because she was a relatively unassuming looking person-- but when there were no vigilant eyes on her, and she could be herself, she had decided to never bend to anyone. She’d had to fight enough of her own battles growing up, chasing people away from her who thought she was an object, and standing her ground in restrooms when angry moms with ugly purses decided she didn’t belong. And with Mina beside her, he didn’t seem so intimidating at all.

The dealer waved over some security guards and they frisked the man, finding not one, but two cards up his sleeves-- an ace and a jack. He was then forcefully removed from the table and Bex turned away and hid her face against Mina for a moment, until they walked away. “Just in case,” she said quietly, their faces very close together. She swallowed, lingering for a moment before her cheeks burned too much and she leaned back. “Can we still play?”

Maybe Mina just hadn’t been paying attention while the man was talking because she hadn’t heard anything or maybe it was just a Bex thing, but she was glad that Bex had picked up on it. She may count cards, a generally frowned upon practice, but she couldn’t stand people that cheated at anything. “That was brilliant,” she told Bex, smiling from ear to ear. She watched as the man was thrown out, and she couldn’t help but feeling more than a little pleased. It was almost better than playing him for his money. As it was, she doubted he’d be allowed back in the Stacked Deck anytime soon. She did her best to hide Bex from the guards in case they decided to look too closely, to see that Miss Ochsenstein (her dad had a room named after her, here and in a lot of other places and, wow, that was strange to think about) wasn’t where she was supposed to be. It took her a moment to realize just how close the two of them were. She blinked, a tightness in her chest that felt like it had been present since the falls. She looked away, glancing at the cards that came out of the man’s sleeves. “That’s, ah, that’s a blackjack. His cards. If he’d laid them down, he would have definitely won.” She looked over at the dealer, who was already getting back to business as usual. People got thrown out of the Stacked Deck on a pretty regular basis. “Yes, of course, we can still play.” She still wanted to see if she could get a few more wins before someone caught on. Mina didn’t make big gambles, usually. She was playing a dangerous game.

The word brilliant made Bex’s face flush even more and she glanced away, as if trying to hide it. “Oh, no, I just-- you know, happened to hear him. In, uh--,” she glanced around to make sure no one was paying attention to them, and tapped the side of her head, “in my head.” Gave a crooked smile before focusing back on what Mina was saying, trying to concentrate on looking at the cards and not the smile plastered on Mina’s face. It made her chest tighten and flutter at the same time. Just like at the falls. They were feelings she both wanted to ignore and embrace, because they made her feel good and she wanted to lean in and-- “Blackjack,” she repeated, snapping herself out of her thoughts, “right. Is it-- is it only blackjack with those two? Or can you get it anytime you hit twenty-one?” She turned her gaze up to watch the dealer again, then over as someone else-- another relatively grumpy looking man-- sat down at the table and slid in his tokens. Bex watched him for a moment as he turned up his cards, set them down, took a drink, and tapped the table. An impatient man, she could tell. She looked back at Mina’s bet and saw that he had matched hers. “You know,” she mused quietly, “I think you’re the brilliant one.” She’d watched her mother gamble quite a bit, and she’d never been any good at it, and she’d always lost at cards. But Mina was so confident, she knew exactly what she was doing. Bex wanted her to win so bad-- she wanted to watch the smug grin on everyone else’s faces get wiped away.

“Well, that was far better than anyone else did. If it wasn’t for you, he’d have gotten away with duping the house.” Not that Mina was doing much better. She wondered if the dealer knew she was playing the system. It wouldn’t be long if she didn’t know already. She couldn’t exactly play the wide-eyed innocent routine that she usually played when she first walked into a new place, always fueled by nerves and excitement. No one ever thought to ask her if she’d played before, so she’d never really had to lie. Mina didn’t look like a gambler, and she wasn’t! She was just a mathematician that occasionally enjoyed having a bit of fun. She smiled at Bex, at her abilities, at her magic and humanity and brilliance. Mina could understand every theorem in every maths textbook on the planet, and she’d still be unable to comprehend just how amazing she thought Bex was. “So, blackjack is when you have an ace and any card with ten as its value: tens, jacks, kings, queens. As long as it adds up to twenty-one with only the two cards. Any other time you hit twenty-one is great but it’s not blackjack. She didn’t really look down at her cards before she hit, figuring she had a decent idea of what card would be laid down. Really, the dealer should shuffle her deck. She was making this easier than it needed to be for Mina. The man down the table groaned in frustration. He should have picked the table with the leprechauns. At least it was possible to tell that they were ruthless. Mina’s dad used to tell her that her best feature was the fact that no one could tell she was dangerous until it was too late.

As the chips were slid in Mina’s direction, she looked at Bex, feeling terribly, overwhelmingly warm. “Hardly,” she said, laughing breathlessly, trying to not look at Bex’s lips. “I mean, anyone can play cards! It’s really just about taking the time to learn how the game is play, and figuring out which strategies work, and--” The man cut her off, asking if she was going to lay down her bet any day now, girlie, causing Mina to throw a few chips in. “Really, I mean, really it’s not that big of a deal,” she lowered her voice just for Bex, “especially if he can do it.”

Bex just smiled, unable to hold it back anymore. If she wasn’t careful, she’d forget herself and be unable to hold back other things. She kept her eyes on the table, instead, and pretended like her face wasn’t beat red and on fire. She hoped Mina didn’t notice, but she was pretty sure Mina wasn’t even paying attention to the table anymore. Instead, Bex focused on her explanation again, finding it so, so easy to let herself drown out everything else and only listen to Mina’s voice. “Okay, so, only if you get a ten value and ace. But twenty-one still wins? What if someone gets Blackjack but someone else has a twenty-one that’s not Blackjack? Who would win?” She looked up at Mina then, her gaze catching the man in the corner who was rolling his eyes and glaring at both of them the way Bex’s father often glared at his newspaper before complaining about how tainted the town has become. The chips made a clicking noise as they were all pushed towards Mina and Bex reached out to start stacking them back up in neat little piles while giving the man a cheeky grin. She glanced to Mina out of the corner of her eye.

“You should give yourself more credit,” Bex said, making sure to loudly click the chips as she stacked them, as if to show them off, “any old person might be able to play the game, but it takes a real genius to win.” She wasn’t usually this confrontational, but Mina made her feel good enough to give the man a pointed look as she dropped the last chip on and scooted them to Mina. She watched his jaw clench and almost immediately regretted it, sinking back into Mina-- fear very often won out inside of her head, and even if he didn’t have the eyes of a wolf, she couldn’t be sure. “Either way,” she said a little quieter, “I think you’re brilliant.” The cards were flipped again and Mina’s hand won...again. “Case in point.”

“The blackjack wins because it’s only two cards. It doesn’t need to be hit again,” Mina said, trying to stay focused. “It’s the highest value you can get with two cards, and the less cards you have, the better. More cards means there’s a chance you could overshoot the value and have a bad hand.” She almost couldn’t care less about the game, though she did a preliminary scan around the rest of the table. She locked eyes with one of the men as he glared before she looked away quickly. She could have easily stared him down or smiled or even asked him if he needed some help, but she had never worn that kind of cruelty well. Instead, she simply looked at the chips from the previous round. Then she looked at Bex, who seemed happy, and that was nice, wasn’t it? Knowing that she made someone genuinely happy, even if there was still a bit of underlying stress? She could be okay with that. She wouldn’t, but she could, and that was dangerous. She put down her chips again and resigned herself for a less involved round. She wasn’t going to win, but neither was the newest man at the table. He doubled down even though it was a stupid idea, causing Mina to mutter, “I wonder if he can even play at all,” as the dealer gave him a card that sent his number over twenty-one. She might have played it safe and not one the round, but at least she wasn’t playing it foolishly. “I’m not,” she insisted. “I just know numbers.”

“Oh, yeah,” Bex said, nodding, “that makes sense, actually. Sorry, stupid question.” She watched Mina examine the table and noted that she wasn’t trying as hard this round. Were they getting suspicious? She hoped not, she was having so much fun and it seemed like Mina was, too. And that’s what really mattered, right? All Bex wanted was to make people happy-- her mom, her dad, her friends. But it really only seemed like Mina was the only person she could make happy. Sometimes it even seemed like she could barely make Morgan or Nell happy. She didn’t know how to be what they wanted her to be, but Mina didn’t expect Bex to be anyone but herself. Still, she wasn’t sure she could be even that, even for Mina. And, maybe, she wanted to be something else for Mina, with Mina. She didn’t win the round, but she didn’t lose, either. No, the man who kept glaring at them did. One bigot replaces another. She tugged on Mina’s hand. “Can we go get a drink after this?” she asked quietly, not wanting to be under the scrutiny of this man anymore, despite enjoying watching Mina wipe the table with him. “Once you’re done taking all his money?” she felt a little smile pulling onto her lips, couldn’t help it. “Oh, but isn’t that brilliant?” she asked, blinking. “Knowing numbers? Do you know how many people struggle with numbers? I think it’s amazing,” she said, squeezing her hand, the words slipping so easily from her lips, “and so are you.”

“It’s not a stupid question. You really can’t ask me any sort of stupid question,” Mina said, and she meant it; she didn’t think it was possible. She’d answer any question that Bex asked, even if it was one that she never wanted to. The man snorted, and Mina turned to glare at him. “Yes, can I help you? Would you like me to show you how to play the game? Because I think you could use a bit of instruction in basic arithmetic.” Really, if he was just in a sour mood because she was beating him, he could at least be more subtle about it. At least this one didn’t seem liable to start cheating. He was just rude and testing her patience. She felt Bex tug on her hand and immediately looked over at her. “Oh, absolutely. We can do that now, if you’d like?” It was… probably best if they left, she thought, watching as one of the pit bosses started circling towards their table. She recognized him. He’d gotten close to throwing her out before. Or was he the same one that had been there with her and Luce? She wasn’t sure. “Knowing numbers isn’t brilliance, I assure you. It’s just something that I do for fun. It’s not useful for survival or anything.” But she frowned as she said it. That wasn’t true in the same way it had been a year ago. Mina… didn’t know how to feel about that. She shook it off. “I think knowing about the Neolithic era is far more brilliant, you know.”

Bex felt rather childish in the moment, but she wanted nothing more than to stick her tongue out at the man who kept snorting at them. She wasn’t about to let him ruin their night, though, so she kept it to herself and couldn’t help the laugh that came out of her when Mina spoke up. She bit her lip and nodded, sliding from her spot as she collected all the chips Mina had won from the few rounds they’d played, pointedly sliding the large stacks together. “Wow, you did so well,” she said a little loudly, perhaps rather high on the feelings between them, her feelings for Mina. “Drinks are on you, then?” Once they’d gathered up all the chips into a bag, she took Mina’s hand again and pulled her towards the bar, away from the prying eyes and the unwanted commentary. For some reason, she wanted Mina all to herself right now. “You know,” she said, her voice a little more even now that it was just them again, “something doesn’t have to be useful to be brilliant. Knowing about a bygone era nowadays is no more useful than knowing the quadratic formula. And besides,” she stopped turning to look at Mina, “you get this funny look on your face when you talk about math or theories and that, alone, is worth it.”

“Well, obviously I wouldn’t make you pay,” Mina said, though she leaned in closer. Teasingly, and so that no one else could overhear them, she added, “Though, don’t think I haven’t forgotten why you technically can’t get in here, you know. It might be drink, as in singular.” She was mostly joking. Though Mina rarely drank, she’d started partaking in alcohol when she was younger than twenty-one. Of course, things were different for her, and she’d spent most of her life in places where the drinking age was lower. Plus, she metabolized things differently than most humans, whether that was due to not being human on near constant hunter training for most of her life. So, she was only mostly joking. Still, the thought of potentially getting caught doing something illegal, even with the multitude of illegal things she’d done… chaffed. She didn’t like it. There was also the fact that Bex was still recovering from her injuries. Mina had heard that alcohol and painkillers didn’t mix. As they walked over to the bar, she said, “Okay, but yours is far more interesting, and you explain things well, and it’s nice. I like it. And useful things are-- In the grand scheme of things, it’s--” Mina didn’t really know what she was trying to say. Instead, she scrunched up her nose a bit, fighting off a smile. “A funny look? That’s-- Hey, no. What kind of funny look?”

“Oh, well,” Bex started, batting her eyelashes, “I would never ask you to do anything illegal. I’m the child of two lawyers, after all. That would be blasphemy.” But she had smiled through the entire thing, because who cared? She didn’t need a drink, it wasn’t even that she really wanted one-- anything would do. It was just about the natural ease in which she seemed to fall in to sync with Mina, like always. Or how fast her heart was beating in her chest, or how warm her cheeks felt, or how her face was probably going to hurt from all this smiling by the end of the night. But after everything that had happened-- the movie, Frank, being asleep for weeks, her parents, the falls, Kyle-- Bex felt as if she deserved at least one night where she could just be happy. And that, alone, was such a rare thought. “I think that’s actually a matter of opinion,” she pointed out once her thoughts finally circled back around to the conversation, “I’m more than sure there’s people here who would rather hear about algorithms over cavemen. Though, did you know, the earliest form of card game entertainment dates all the way back to the ninth century? In the Chinese Tang Dynasty. They wrote on leaves and called it the ‘leaf game’.” Bex gave a cheeky grin, shrugging, as she headed towards the bar again. “I dunno. It’s so hard to describe. It’s cute, though. Maybe if you made it again I could take a picture and show you. Add it to our album from the Falls.”

There was that feeling of being too warm again, right in Mina’s chest where she didn’t think it belonged. She was growing to believe that she didn’t mind it, though, and she couldn’t decide if that was worse or not. It was worse, though, that she knew Bex probably wouldn’t have to ask Mina to do something illegal. She might just do it. “You know, I almost believe you. Almost.” But she’s unfathomably happy, despite being too warm. Impossibly happy, really, she absolutely shouldn’t be this happy. “I’m sure there are people who prefer to hear about algorithms over cavemen; in fact, I think my program has most of them, and we’re a very small program. I just think I might be included in the number that would rather here about cavemen.” Not for any particular reason that she cared to linger on. Mina already knew algorithms. She didn’t know anything about cavemen. “What kind of symbols were on these leaf playing cards? Did they use kings and queens and jacks, or did that come about later?” She made another face, though this one was genuinely displeased. “Oh, no, no more pictures. I can’t stand having my picture taken.” If she thought about it, there was probably about three legitimately taken photos of her on the entire planet, and one of them was of her and her dad as her phone lockscreen. Another one was her student ID. The last one was the one from the falls that made her smile. Wilhelmina Fitzroy did a really good job trying not to exist. “What do you want to drink?” she asked as they got to the bar.

Bex grinned, wide and toothy. “I’m just an innocent girl,” she teased, “how could you not believe me?” As they made it up to the bar, she turned her back and leaned against the bar to face Mina, contemplating an answer. “Alright, alright, you got me there. My point is that I’d rather hear about algorithms from you then any of the other math nerds. And, well,” she shrugged again, watching her face closely, “I don’t think I’d mind telling you about cavemen.” The bartender was still busy, so it seemed they had a bit more time until they got service. Her father usually never had to wait, at least not in places like this where they knew his face. “They used numbers, actually. But even as far back as then, they were still assigned suits. Four them! Um-- lemme try and remember, it was…” she trailed off a moment, trying to pull her memory up. “Coins, strings or sticks,” she put up two finger as she counted off, “myriads and ten-myriads I think? Don’t quote me on that, though.” Bex furrowed her brow, frowning teasingly. “Okay, no pictures. For now.” Bex could understand that, though her discomfort with photography had long since been burned out of her. The amount of photos she’d had taken was far too many. “I’ll just have to do my best to describe it, then. And, um-- something fruity?”

“I don’t know, actually, now that you ask,” Mina said, feeling dazed. She leaned forward against the bar, turning to face Bex properly. Bex’s eyes were so pretty. Mina blinked momentarily, catching herself. Then she put a hand to her chest, feigning offense. “Other math nerds? Are you calling me a nerd?” She tried to sound indignant, but she was laughing, just a bit. “Math nerd, funny looks. You know, it could be considered very rude to tease the person who’s buying you drinks, you know that?” Not that Mina found it rude at all, actually. “Did it go up to ten? The numbers? How many cards were in a suit? Also, what, exactly, is used to represent a myriad? Because I only know the word as meaning a, ah, large number.” It was silly, the way her brain immediately associated that word with a musical. “Oh, I’m absolutely quoting you on that, for sure, if I ever write a paper on the history of the leaf game of the Chinese Tang Dynasty. You’ll be the first person I cite. What’s the typical citations for American historical papers? Do I put your last name first or your first name?” The bartender was slowly but surely making his way toward them. Mina found that she didn’t particularly mind the wait. “I take terrible pictures. You know this. The best one that I think that’s out there is from when I was about six, and I was missing a tooth. Absolutely dreadful. Ah, okay, fruity.” When was the last time Mina had a fruity drink? When was the last time she had a drink? “Have you had a cosmopolitan before?”

Bex couldn’t help but laugh. “Cute math nerd, I feel like I need to add that addendum. But yes, nerd. I mean, though, if you’re a nerd, I am, too.” Another laugh escaped her lips as she watched Mina, enjoying the smile that was on her face probably more so than her own. It was the kind of smile that reached her eyes, and Bex wanted nothing more than to make sure it stayed that way. “You’re right, it could be. But I somehow don’t think you mind,” she teased back, giving a wink. She leaned an elbow on the bartop and put her hand in her chin as she looked over at Mina. If she was lucky, this night would never end. “Yes! The numbers were two through nine, and then the myriad was all tens and the ten-myriad was kind of like what we think of now as face cards. I believe they were symbols that look like a bunch of circles stacked on top of each other.” At that, she almost snorted, giving a feigned indignant huff and playfully pushing against Mina’s shoulder. “Don’t you dare. But if you do, it would be the Chicago Manual.” Gave half a smirk, reaching over to brush a piece of hair from Mina’s face. “I think you take great pictures,” she mumbled, “even with a funny look on your face.” And somehow, she got lost for a moment, just standing there, looking at Mina-- the color of her eyes, the shape of her cheek bones, the curve of her lips. Her hand was still hovering near Mina’s face, fingers brushing against her cheek. She could have stayed like that, too, if the bartender hadn’t chosen now of all times to come over, making a loud noise as he set a bottle down. “What can I get you ladies?” he asked, and Bex pulled away quickly, clearing her throat. “Oh, um-- cosmopolitan. That sounds-- fine. Yeah. If that’s what you’re having,” she deferred to Mina, tucking her chin to her shoulder as she tried to calm herself down for a moment. Her heart was beating way too fast

“Oh, well, I mean, that’s-- That’s a welcomed addendum, certainly, but the nerd is still there.” Please, Mina begged herself, don’t do anything embarrassing like blush or get scaly. Please. I’m begging. “You seem incredibly sure of that statement.” Which, in Bex’s defense, she should be. Mina absolutely didn’t mind. She didn’t mind much of anything, at the moment. She couldn’t bring to mind much more than: don’t get weird and try to pay attention. So she focused on Bex’s words about numbers and circles and ten-myriads. “Okay, yes, this does sound familiar. That’s incredible, actually, the way things have managed to somewhat stay the same, even over centuries.” Her heart was beating a bit faster than normal, and the push caused her hand to twitch, reflex trying to take over before she smiled it off, laughing. “Okay, Chicago Manual. An entire citation format, named after a city of all things. And not even a particularly good one, either. Which, Chicago is okay, but--” She went impossibly still as Bex’s fingers brushed a piece of hair away and just… stayed there. Fight or flight, they said. They often forgot to mention that freeze was a well-used third option, though not the most self-preserving. “I-- Well-- I don’t--” She was saved from her stumbling by the bartender. “Ah, right, yes. Two. Of those. Cosmopolitans.” She handed the bartender more money than was necessary to ensure that he didn’t attempt to ask for any sort of IDs as she attempted to lower her heart rate. Ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous.

#chatzy #wickedswriting #chatzy: mina #place your bets #mina #//this got WAY too long i'm so sorry #we broke it up into parts for y'all

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selfshipeventhall · 4 years

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Selfship Con 2020: End!

Thank you all so, so much for making this thing come alive and thrive. It warmed my heart to see people come together and support one another. It reminded me of what I love so much about this community. Thank you.

I would personally like to thank @scroogesspouse @selfship-loving and @perseverancex-self-shipping for your help with this con. Without you it might not have worked out the way it did. I appreciate each and every single one of you for what you did.

And finally, lets close this year’s con with a Q&A from the wonderful @coulromantism or better known as Simon to many of you out there. Simon has been here since 2016 and that to me is really special. He’s seen this community grow and become what it is, so lets hear what he has to say as a longtime member!

Mod: So, how long have you seen selfshipping for?

Simon: well, i've been selfshipping for my whole life basically!! going as far back as i can remember, i've always had crushes on characters and imagined myself with them. i started selfshipping online when i was around 10, on deviantart, but i wasn't in the community until i found it on tumblr, in early 2017 :o)

Mod: THAT'S REALLY GREAT. I'm glad that you've felt comfortable with it and enjoy yourself.Who was your first F/O ?

Simon: tysm!! ^_^ tbh i can't really remember who my very first f/o was, since i began selfshipping so long ago.... one of the earliest that i can remember is ragetti, from pirates of the caribbean, when i was maybe 8 or so? my first public selfship (on deviantart!) was with slenderman, and then my first f/o when i joined the community on tumblr was freddy krueger!

Mod: Good choices over all!! So what was it like for you when you first started in the community? What made you wanna join and stay?

Simon: my first introduction to the community was a blog for general selfship positivity and community stuff called @selfshiplove if i remember correctly! i was so excited to find other people who selfshipped like me, and i'd send them tons of anon asks, until i eventually made my own blog and joined servers and stuff. i mean, prior to that, i was basically thinking about my f/os all the time, but i had no one to talk to about it. so of course when i found the community i had to join it haha. being able to finally share such a big part of yourself with other people, it's sort of a life-changing experience!! and i loved listening to other talk about their f/os and selfships, as well. i made friends, and of course that made me want to stay in the community even more ^^

Mod: Your experience sounds pretty positive!What do you suggest for people that are afraid to be open about self shipping or just about joining us in general??

Simon: i feel very happy and lucky to have found the community the way i did ^_^ i know thats a little cliché, but tbh, just try to enjoy yourself, and focus on nothing but that!! i see a lot of selfshippers (not just new selfshippers tbh!!) worry about so many things: that their content won't be good enough, that their f/os are weird, that their gush posts are unnecessary, that they'll be judged for their selfships or the way they selfship.... and those things hold them back. but know that none of them are worth worrying about!!! ik that ignoring such anxieties is easier said than done, but i reallly encourage you to actually put yourself out there; make those "unnecessary" gushing posts, talk about your unconventional f/os, post your content even if youre not 100% confident about it (ofc, you dont have to push urself too much!).... even if it's a slow process, little by little. you'll realise that judgement, disapproval for these things will never come to you. tldr, there are no rules to selfshipping, no "standards" you have to meet; you're always good enough, your content is always good enough; nothing about you, your faves, or your selfships is worth being ashamed about, ever. don't be scared to put urself out there: ik selfshipping is an incredibly personal experience, so you're likely to put up more barriers, bcus talking abt this stuff feeld vulnerable; but i promise that in this community, despite its faults, you will be met with overwhelming love and support. some less general advice for new selfshippers would be to find other selfshippers who have f/os from the same source as you, since it'll be easier for you to engage & interact w each other's content that way. you'll be able to find community within community, and hopefully that'll also help you feel better about selfshipping & becoming more open about it. i really hope that was helpful!!! :o)

Mod: I really like the way you put this. I think this is something a lot of people need to hear.In what ways has the community changed from back then?

Simon: well, i don't remember everything abt what the community used to be like, but i think it grew a LOT, in size, i mean. i feel like the selfship community on tumblr used to be pretty small, but now theres like, thousands of us!!! maybe thats anecdotal, but i feel like selfship content in general gets more attention/notes than it used to, and there are more "popular" blogs now. i also feel like theres more of a sense of community than there used to be; at least thats my impression. not that there wasnt one before!!! but now, we have so many more general blogs for prompts, quotes, promos, art.... we have events, takeovers (thx to people like u!!!).... we adress the issues within the community.... its really cool to see this community start thriving so much over the years!!! ^_^

Mod: How does selfshipping effect your life in general outside of Tumblr?

Simon: ofc np!!! ^_^ well, since selfshipping is smth that i think about a LOT, it has a big effect on my life, obvs!!! id say the biggest thing is trying to make my faves proud, impressed, that sort of stuff. i personally don't always have a lot of drive in life, if that makes sense? and its nice to have something that motivates me to work, improve myself, that sort of stuff, and it keeps me going during tough times as well. and in general it just makes me very happy n it completes me. so thats why selfshipping is very important to me :o)

Thank you so much to Simon for this interview about what he enjoys the most about the community and also to all of you for making it so great.

Stay tuned for the next event <3

#selfship con 2020 #this was so much fun #thank you all so much #q&a

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mollydollyjournals · 3 years

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Wednesday 30th June, 155lbs. Not all that happy about that... i knew i wasnt going to get a huge weught drop today but its still annoying that its slightly higher than yesterday. I guess if its partly due to fluctuation then thats okay, but i cant really know.

-- im just gonna add here that since i got this phone the autocorrect/autofill situation really hasnt improved much so i guess i just make loads of typos now. Its irritating but i really cant be fucked to keep going back correcting everything so if you see me typo no you didnt --

I sort of feel smaller and sort of dont. Cant really tell. I didnt take my measurements when i got up - i could do it now but first thing is always best so idk. I should take a photo too. Wednesday will be my photo day i guess. Im nervous about that one. Thats where i need to see at least some difference from last week...but i dont know if there will be and if there isnt then im gonna feel really bad. And im not sure what time of day i took the other ones or anything like that. So maybe its not consistent? Ugh

I wanted to be 154 tomorrow, which is still possible if todays weight is a fluctuation. I mean i guess i could also get it by dehydrating myself today but water weight loss doesnt count. Im not really sure what to do. I had my usual salad breakfast. I still feel really tired. I woke up kind of early so could be i didnt get enough sleep, but it could be anything really. But i know ill struggle to do much physically today. Which means im gonna be stuck in the same situation later where i know i should eat something else but im scared ill gain weight so instead i starve and then im still exhausted the next day etc etc it all continues.

I just want so badly to get under the 150s. I have an event next weekend as well and if id managed to stick to everything from the start id be 147 by then. Its like 9 days away now so theres no way i can do it now. But i still want to get as close as i can. There'll be photos and stuff and i dont wanna have to explain that yes ive done my hair and makeup and am wearing at least vaguely nice clothes but no i still dont think i can handle being in photos because im fat

Hb is asking if i wanna go out today which feels weird but its an easy way for me to get some physical activity without pushing too hard. We just walk in the woods and stuff. I cant go by myself, and this way if i start feeling lightheaded or somethi g then i have someone to help me out. So ill do that. Hopefully i wont feel horrific.

I really want a cigarette. I smoked a bit these past couple of weeks but i finished the pack a couple of days ago. Still craving it now. I dont smoke regularly anymore, i dont even use nicotine at all, but occasionally i want a cigarette or two...i get the absolute lightest ones i can find (silk cut silver/mayfair fine if i cant find those/ideally vogue platine but i dont think ive ever seen those in england) and have one or a few, usually if im drinking out somewhere. So i especially didnt smoke much this past year. With that in mind, its kind of weird that my cravings are spiking now. But i think its not just the chemical craving thats the issue for me - im in a mindset where im just craving Things in general, so this is another one of those things.

Wednesday would be a drinking day, but i drank on monday so i shouldnt today. I cant drink on friday because i want to on saturday. Which means i can drink tomorrow, and probably should if i feel like i cant get to saturday. I definitely want to drink today though. Its annoying. I really want to drink and smoke and play music and just be decadent. But nome of it really helps the stuff i need to change.

Ill drink a load of water, do this walk, see how i feel later. I should probably make myself eat dinner, so ill just make sure i have 'safe' options. I want to have energy, but i also need to lose weight. I need to feel okay in my body. I need to not hate the look and feel of myself. I cant do it anymore

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alicedoessurveys · 3 years

Text

Doctor Who Tag

yes im a nerd...

CHILDHOOD

1. Did you like DW as a child?

I was 10 when it came back on telly with Eccleston and the first episode with the autons scared me so much my mom wouldn't let me watch it again until a couple years later, but yeah my teens I was obsessed with DW... still am at age 25

2. Your age at the time of the revival?

3. First DW episode you ever saw?

‘Rose’

4. Did you have any of the toys?

I still have the eleventh doctor’s screwdriver... I used to have some of the figures but there in storage now somewhere

5. Which DW character did you play on the playground?

didn't play it on the playground

6. Monster(s) that scared you most as a child?

all of them! the ones that still scare me now are the Cybermen and the Autons... genuinely cant walk past a shop mannequin without being suspicious

7. Joke/story you didn’t get as a kid?

as a kid, any of the innuendo type jokes

8. DW opinion that has changed since you were a kid?

idk I think I still have the same opinions

9. Who introduced you to DW?

parents

10. Did you like Sarah Jane Adventures as a child?

I LOVED SJA!! I miss that show, and Elizabeth Slade :(

DOCTOR

11. Who is your Doctor?

Ten was the doctor that made me fall in love with Doctor Who

12. Your favourite Doctor?

omg why not just ask me who my favourite child is... (I don't have kids but you know what I mean) if I had to chose my top three are ten, eleven and thirteen

13. Least favourite Doctor?

purely just because he doesn't have enough episodes... nine...

14. Best regeneration?

none of them I hate regenerations :( they make me sad, im too emotionally invested in every single one

15. Do you like “Doctor-Lite” episodes?

they're not my faves

16. Who is the most human Doctor?

I think nine maybe? or twelve?

17. Best multi-Doctor story?

the 50th anniversary special

18. Best Doctor monologue?

“Hello Stonehenge! who takes the pandorica, takes the universe. but bad news everyone, cause guess who? HA! You lot you're all whizzing about- its really very distracting. Could you all just stay still a minute because I AM TALKING. Question of the hour is, who's got the pandorica? Answer, I do. Next question, who's coming to take it from me? Come on, look at me! No plan. No backup. No weapons worth a damn. oh and something else, I don't have anything to lose. So, if you're sitting up there in your silly little spaceship with all your silly little guns and you've got any plans on taking the pandorica tonight... just remember who's standing in your way. remember ever black day I ever stopped you and then- AND THEN- do the smart thing... let somebody else try first.”

not copied and pasted, remember that from the top of my head... its always there waiting in my mind incase I ever need an epic monologue :’)

19, What do you think TenToo/MetaCrisis Doctor is doing now?

hopefully living his best life with Rose

20. Best Doctor/companion pairing?

ten and donna

COMPANIONS

21. Favourite companion?

Donna, Clara, Amy

22. Favourite secondary companion?

is Mickey classed as secondary? idk

23. Least favourite companion?

Ryan

24. Best TARDIS Team?

Doctor, Amy and Rory

25. Most underrated companion?

Graham, but that may just be cause I love Bradders

26. Most overrated companion?

Rose... I like her but idk, I think she gets more hype than she deserves.. don't @ me

27. Favourite companion’s family?

Rose’s mom

28. Who should have been a companion but wasn’t?

idk I cant think of anyone

29. Favourite (canon or non-canon) DW universe relationship?

Amy and Rory

30. Who did you not used to like, but really like now?

wasn't keen on Bill at first but by the end I really liked her, same with Rory

EPISODES

31. Favourite episode ever?

girl in the fireplace

32. Least favourite episode?

most of Chibnall’s episodes tbh sorry not sorry

33. Which episodes do you skip?

the regeneration episodes

34. Best two-parter?

Human Nature - Family of Blood

35. Historical, present day or futuristic episodes?

I like them all in there own way but I think present is fave, then historical, then future

36. Episode that will always make you smile?

all of them

37. Episode that will always make you cry?

Rory and Amy’s last episode :’(

38. Best run of episodes?

ugh I cant answer this theres too many

39. Best cliffhanger?

the end of Spyfall part one when the Master reveals who he is... I was SHOOK

40. Favourite Christmas special?

Voyage of the Damned

SERIES

41. Classic Who or New Who?

new who

42. Favourite series?

four or five

43. Least favourite series?

eleven, I just cant with the writing

44. Which series do you skip?

none

45. Favourite series opening?

eleventh hour

46. Favourite series finale?

Doomsday

47. Best series arc?

Bad Wolf

48. Thoughts on series 11/12?

I adore Jodie Whittaker and her doctor, and although I think 3 companions is too many I do love Yaz and Graham (Ryan is hit & miss). I just think theyve been massively let down by the stories/writing... they’ve tried to hard to tick certain boxes and completely missed what Doctor Who is about for a lot of people.. an escape from the real world into these outrageous unbelievable but lovable fun alien adventures

49. How much of Classic Who have you seen?

not a lot

50. Who should have had another series?

NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE

MONSTERS

51. Favourite monster/villain?

the master

52. Most creative monster?

Weeping Angels, whoever came up with monsters that look like statues and only move when you're not looking at them is genius

53. Monster(s) that scares you most?

Autons, Cybermen, the creepy dolls from Night Terrors, the ones from Waters of Mars, Weeping Angels

54. Monster you think is too easy to defeat?

idk

55. Least favourite monster/villain?

absorbaloff

56. Monster you want to return?

The Master, I really hope that isn't the last we see of Dhawan

57. In your opinion, what makes a monster good?

being genuinely scary,

58. Daleks, Cybermen or Weeping Angels?

Weeping Angels

59. Best Dalek story?

Daleks in Manhatten

60. Best one time villain/monster?

my brain has gone blank I cant think of an answer right now

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL

61. Torchwood or Sarah Jane Adventures?

SJA

62. Favourite Torchwood Team member?

I haven't watched it all so I couldn't say

63. Which Torchwood death made you saddest?

again, not watched it all

64. Do you rewatch COE or MD?

huh

65. Favourite SJA Team member?

Sarah Jane

66. Mr Smith or K-9?

K-9

67. Maria or Rani?

Rani

68. Do you read the comics/novels or listen to Big Finish?

Nope

69. If you do, your favourite additional stories?

n/a

70. Do you like DW analysis (video essays, fan theories, etc)?

yes

DESIGN/PRODUCTION

71. Favourite piece of alien tech?

the sonic, I love how it is so multipurpose except for when it comes to wood

72. Favourite piece of Murray Gold music?

I am the Doctor - gets me pumped every time

73. Favourite TARDIS design?

Ten’s Tardis

74. Has the 2005 era CGI aged well?

actually yeah, I was rewatching the ‘are you my mummy’ episodes the other day and my God when the gas masks emerged from the faces... ooooooof I was like omg how

75. Favourite Doctor outfit?

eleven or thirteen

76. Monster with the best design?

not really a design more of a costume.. I live Dhawan master’s costume. that shade of purple, oof he so stylish

77. Best show runner?

idk

78. Best writer?

Gatiss

79. Best opening titles?

eleven’s titles where the Tardis is flying and being zapped is cool but thirteens music hits different

80. Will DW age well/stay popular in the future?

I hope so, I feel like its lasted this long surely it can last forever.. if the writers don't fuck it up...

IF YOU WERE IN THE SHOW

81. Time period you’d want to go with the Doctor?

whatever time means Id get to wear the most beautiful costumes

82. Planet/place you’d want to go with the Doctor?

Galifrey, pre-desctruction

83. Doctor you’d most like to travel with?

any of them, please and thank you

84. Companion you’d most like to travel with?

donna, sceso a good laugh but also I feel like she’d look after me

85. Monster you’d like to defeat/fight?

The Master

86. If you could go back on your own history (like Father’s Day), where would you go?

back to when I was a toddler, I wanna see what I was like

87. If you could ask the Doctor anything, what would you ask?

theres too many to ask

88. Historical figure you’d like to meet?

Shakespeare

89. How do you think you’d meet the Doctor?

id probably be rescued from doing something stupid and then the doc would be like you know what the bitch clearly needs supervision she's coming with me

90. Would you travel forwards or backwards in time first?

backwards

IF YOU MADE THE SHOW

91. Historical event would you like to see in DW?

Hamilton

92. Issue you’d like to see addressed in DW?

idk

93. Who would you completely erase from the DW universe?

Ruth

94. One unanswered DW question you’d love to know the answer to?

where is Clara now?

95. Actor/actress you’d like to see play the Doctor?

Phoebe Waller Bridge (or Lin Manuel Miranda)

96. Actor/actress you’d like to see play a companion?

Andrew Scott (yes I did just basically recast fleabag and hot priest)

97. Is DW “too political”?

series 11 got a bit like that

98. Which characters fate would you changed?

Danny Pink

99. What about DW could be improved?

I think ive made my options about Chibnall pretty clear...

100. If you could write an episode of DW, any ideas for what you’d do

bring back Jenny, the Doctor / Daughter adventures they would have. I’m actually writing a fic about it if you wanna read.... here

#doctor who #tag #doctor who tag #doctor who questions #survey

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bladekindeyewear · 4 years

Photo

Bloggin’ bout HS^2′s second upd8 continued. > (==>)

And it had felt so real, almost like he could have reached out and touched him--

--Yeah, the next page is gonna be BGDirk just standing there like I saw before I read the update, right?

> (==>)

Two pages. Close enough.

> (==>)

Hah! Get fucked, Dirk. (Even if you’re supposedly one of the better Dirks.)

> (==>)

Yep, all see-thru and everything.

DIRK: You passed out in a puddle of your own drool. And what the fuck is that on your face? JAKE: My face? What do you mean on my face? DIRK: The moustache, Jake. Who’s idea was that. JAKE: Oh! You dont like it? DIRK: I didn’t say that.

Oh come the fuck on. He looks good in a mustache, Jane-influence or no Jane-influence.

DIRK: We’ve had this conversation before, dingus. I’m you. And I’m me. But I only exist because of your powers. The fact that I’m manifesting here, in the new universe, outside of a dream, is evidence in itself for just how absolutely boned you are.

Now what exactly do you mean by that last part? How is this a sign of trouble?

--Is it because this Dirk thinks he’s needed? And therefore shit will be going down?

DIRK: You’ve been a useless sack of shit for two decades. I’m here to kick your ass back into active duty.

...Hm.

I mean, Jake MIGHT be able to help stop this stupid goddamn war, but this IS Dirk trying to help him, so...

JAKE: And what side am i supposed to be fighting on? for jane or against her? DIRK: Against her. Obviously. What the fuck, dude.

Pffff.

JAKE: But you were the one who wanted her to run in the first place! You wrote her bloody speeches! DIRK: Yeah, I did. And every single one of them kicked ass. I wanted Jane to be the democratically elected president. Not a cake-slinging Jeff Bezos with a great rack.

Pfff. I mean, you didn’t do a great job the first way, either. It’s heavily implied things in Canon-land were about to go to shit too.

Not as FAR to shit, nor as quickly, but still to shit. So, really, how DIFFERENT is this from the way you wanted it done, Dirk? How can you claim this isn’t half YOUR fuck-up too?

DIRK: Don’t worry about it. The point is, you have a chance to make a difference. You’re in the perfect position to infiltrate her operation.

Oh hell no. Don’t send him back in THERE you utter horse’s ass! How could THAT be good for his mental health!? What the fuck about Tavros?!?

DIRK: That’s horseshit and we both know it. Jane would take you back in a second. She loves you.

I think Jane’s definition of “taking him back” would be a bit broader than his body or soul could fucking afford.

> (==>)

Eugh. You really liked the Condesce’s way of doing things right down to her style, huh? To think you used to love the spoon. Is that a fucking spork? Is that zilly Battlespork your go-to weapon now?

Also, it took me a moment to realize those green and orange silhouettes were Jake and BGDirk. I was a little like “how did Rose get here?!?”.

> (==>)

Have I mentioned how good all this art is? So much attention being paid to the use of color, to making everything look so soft and streamlined?

Looks like she’s going in for at LEAST a hug. And the art style might be mercifully light on showing us indulgent details of just how asset-laden Jane is supposed to be. Shots of Jake’s manly bod aside, something in me doesn’t like the traditionally-sexualized stuff pushed like that in a canon that’s been light on it for so long...

> (==>)

Oh, that... THAT looks fake. Or like, she’s about to turn around and happily wail on his ass or something.

JANE: Boo hoo hoo! Oh, Jake! Something awful has happened! JAKE: It--it has? You mean more awful than usual? JANE: The opposition has taken Tavros, Jake. They’ve finally shown their true colors. I knew it was only a matter of time before they attacked our family directly!

.....Ah. Well, that explains it. She’d never cry like that about HIM returning AFTER STEPPING OUT ON HER.

It’s then that Jake realizes that Jane isn’t mad because she’d never realized he was gone.

Poor pages, huh? All their most dramatic gestures always undercut.

...It seems like we might see Candy kind of resolved in less of a fucked-up worldstate after all, at this rate?

She seems to have forgotten that she’d been cross with him the last time they met, because now that Gamzee is gone, there’s no one left to talk to.

It’s true. Gamzee’s absence always improves things.

> (==>)

All of it is made worse by the occasional wry glint in her eye, or moment of self-deprecation in the slant of her mouth. It reminds him of the Jane he used to know. Or the Jane he thought he used to know.

Ambition is a hell of a thing. Seems like she’s drunk of it almost as deeply as Prince Dirk. I’d imagine this could be a pretty consistent thing with really active Life players when they get actual power, huh? The way it just gathers to Life players in all its forms -- power over others, status, wealth -- it’s easy to start to leverage it in ways that constitute abuse of power over others from a Riddle perspective.

At first Dirk stands at Jake’s elbow, a one-ghost support staff, before he appears to lose interest in Jane’s rant and wanders off across the office, reading the spines of books and spending way too long staring at a startlingly phallic piece of installation art,

--PLEASE let us see it.

, the provenance of which Jake doesn’t know, but could hazard a guess it wore a codpiece.

Nope, never mind. Interest lost.

> (==>)

Then he settles on Jane’s desk, propping his ghost butt there and sort of just...well. Here’s a picture of what he does.

Um.

Where is this going?

> (==>)

Oh, so the BEST option, then. :D

Okay. That’s a bit of an exaggeration.

Boooooo.

> (==>)

--Alright, forgiven.

he’s thoroughly exhausted from attempting to pay attention to his supervillain wife while trying not to look at the crotch of a ghost man from his brain.

...Okay, hold up. BGDirk, are you trying to steer him into doing this for self-indulgent, non-comedic purposes? Or is this a bit of Prince Dirk in there? (I mean... I can’t definitively say Jake wouldn’t have wanted this.)

And I’m still wondering how all of this is going to be relevant. IF it’s going to be relevant. Despite promises to the contrary that are seemingly being ignored.

> (==>)

DIRK: All according to keikaku.

Fuck you.

JAKE: i really didnt think id fall off the wagon so quickly. I dont think being here is good for my emotions to be honest. DIRK: Yeah, probably not. But that’s okay. They don’t matter. JAKE: Oh.

Yeah, Dirk, you suck at this more than you know. This ain’t going to go as well as you “hope” I don’t think.

DIRK: Don’t know anything about stiff lips, dude. But that’s not what I mean. It’s not because you’re a man. You’re a god. JAKE: Oh right. That. DIRK: The world comes first, even at the expense of all your relationships and personal happiness. That’s what being a hero means. JAKE: I guess...i never really thought about it like that.

You’re also not guaranteed to be fucking right, you know.

There are definitely dichotomies where what was best for the world wasn’t best for the person, so far, and vice versa in Homestuck. But Dirk’s taking his anime-flavored principles as gospel as usual, and ignoring, oh I dunno, the impact of the heart in all of this. Some people, ESPECIALLY JAKE and other Pages so far, CAN’T operate at their best until they’re at least reasonably healthy and sure of themselves, and investments to that effect are essential to letting them slowly realize their full potential. Brain Ghost Dirk is likely making the same goddamn mistake he made with his overbearing Dirkbot back on Jake’s island.

> (==>)

DIRK: Think what you want about Jane, but at least she realizes that none of you can ever be normal, and she never bothered to try. Can it really be a god-complex if you’re actually a god? DIRK: People like us don’t get happy endings.

...Yup. This is the fucked-over part of Dirk’s worldview coming in full play, here. And he believes in it so strongly that he couldn’t even fucking leave NON-CANON alone anymore. Fuck.

JAKE: Thats bleak dirk i dont think i could possibly believe that!

Mmmhmm.

DIRK: Yeah. That’s probably more a Dirk thought than a Jake one. I told you, it’s hard to tell sometimes. JAKE: Is...is that really how dirk felt the whole gosh darned time?

Mmmhmm.

> (==>)

Last page of the upd8. Well... all I can say is, it’s a good thing he’s a fucking ghost here. And half Jake, at that. At least that can limit the damage. Hopefully giving Jake just enough of a kick in the doing-something direction without being so overbearing that he makes things worse, making for a balance of...

...Wait.

Wait, is that why we’re here?

Maybe that finally makes some sense of all this. Of this cut, of this small violation of that last sentence in Meat, of-- ah, yeah, I might be on to something here! Only maybe, but still--!

We’re quite possibly bearing witness to a realm of influence where, through measures outside of his control, Dirk has a balanced impact. Where this same ideology of his, tempered by Jake’s hopeful mindset and Dirk’s inability to take direct action, might just manage to make things better and actually make everyone happier by the end, while solving Earth C’s fucked-up Candyland state at the same time. It’s possibly to show the readers (through the lens of a Hope player specializing in positive possibility) that Dirk, had he been restrained, COULD have had a positive impact, even at the same time that we’re shown Prince Dirk at his soul’s most overblown and heinous.

And, if we want to be optimistic..... perhaps this’ll show Dirk, too?

Canon and Non-Canon may not “meet” again. But that doesn’t stop Dirk, via this fragment of his multiverse-spanning soul, from seeing Non-Canon. From seeing how well things COULD have worked out, had he held back. And if we keep cutting like this -- back and forth between the “real” story and these events in Candyverse -- perhaps the moment at which Brain Ghost Dirk realizes what he’s accomplished, realizes how much better things are because he could hold back, will coincide at the end with Prince Dirk finally, belatedly, realizing just how fucked his plan was, and understanding at the very, very end why he has to fucking die?

THAT would be interesting.

I guess we’ll see? Talk to y’all next upd8.

#Homestuck #hs2 #Homestuck Liveblog #upd8 #bladekindeyewear #blastyoboots

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the-quiet-winds · 5 years

Text

Sure to Outlast this Catastrophe (part three)

things are getting pretty tense, huh? well, they’ve gotta get worse before they get better, or at least that’s how @ichlugebulletsandcornnuts and i go.

[part one] - [part two]

[Part 3: In a Crossfire Kind]

aragon is about to lose her damn mind, waiting for news on boleyn.

just as she’s about to stand up and demand to speak so someone, a familiar voice speaks to her.

“hey, i recognize you.”

aragon turns and sees mary- caroline - the girl from the store, in a nurses kit.

“you work here?” aragon asks.

“i’m a student,” caroline says. “what are you doing here?”

“my friend,” aragon sighs. “she’s been admitted, and nobody will tell me anything.”

“oh, i’m sorry,” caroline says with sympathetic eyes. “government cuts, we’re so understaffed right now. i could try and find out for you?”

“could you?” hope rushes through her and caroline nods, a small smile on her face.

caroline disappears behind some double doors and aragon is left to wait again. but she appears a few minutes later, a somewhat grim look on her face.

“they’re thinking some nasty pneumonia,” she says, sitting down next to aragon.

“well, can they fix it?”

“they’re trying to pump out her lungs, but there’s a lot of nasty stuff in there right now.”

aragon gives a slow nod. “she’s going to get better, though, right?”

“she should,” caroline gives a reassuring smile. “at her age and health level, pneumonia isn’t particularly dangerous so even though it’s a rough case she should be okay.”

“good,” aragon sighs, although the anxiety doesn’t fade that much.

jane’s anxiety, meanwhile, was far from better.

katherine was still trapped in a nightmare-ish fever dream as far as she could tell, thrashing about the bed and murmuring things about death and mannox and dereham and henry and it was making jane’s head and heart hurt just listening to it all.

cleves appears suddenly in the doorway, looking incredibly worried.

“jane, it’s cathy. she’s barely responsive and i don’t know what to do.” cleves takes a moment pause to cough violently into her sleeve. “i don’t know if this is normal or not for this kind of illness.”

“i don’t know,” jane whispers, barely audible. “it seems to be hitting everyone differently. i have no idea what to do.”

seeing jane, who normally kept a level head and took care of others in a crisis, look so lost and out of her depth seems to kickstart something in cleves’s mind.

“i’m going to call an ambulance,” she says decisively. “it might be normal, but we can’t risk it. not when anne’s already been taken in.”

cleves nods, then coughs harshly.

twenty minutes later, jane and aragon are seated in the waiting room.

they had immediately taken parr and katherine, then brought cleves in for just a quick test.

after another ten minutes, she joins them, a prescription for some bronchitis meds in her hand.

"how's anne?" she asks.

"not sure," aragon gruffs. "no one in this bloody place will tell me anything."

"hey!" caroline interjects.

"who is your friend, aragon?" jane asks sweetly.

“this is caroline,” aragon introduces. “caroline, this is jane and anna, two of my housemates.”

“oh yes,” caroline nods. “you two came in earlier with the two other girls.”

“it’s not been a lucky day in our house,” cleves gives a shaky laugh.

caroline nods. “i can imagine. five of you, all sick at once? what are the odds of that?”

jane narrows her eyes - caroline had a point. three of them had been hospitalized, she and cleves were fairly alright, and aragon completely unscathed? what are the odds of that?

“it hasn’t been pleasant,” jane concedes.

“they’re going to be a nightmare to take care of when they’re allowed home too,” aragon half-laughs, although there isn’t much humour in her voice. “katherine will be fine, but cathy won’t stay in bed for longer than a few hours and anne lives to torment me, so...” she trails off, her attempts at light humour falling flat.

jane glances sidelong at her; aragon is shaking very slightly, hands fidgeting in her lap. she’s more worried than jane has ever seen her, and she knows that’s for all of the girls.

jane gently rubs her back, hoping to soothe her even just slightly.

“they’ll be okay,” she whispers, “we all will be.”

aragon nods shakily, not meeting jane’s eyes.

“it’ll all be okay.” jane coughs herself, hacking into her sleeve. “we’ll... we’re alright.” her voice is heavier now. raspier.

“don’t you start again!” cleves looks alarmed. “are you okay, jane?”

“as good as i can be, given the circumstances,” jane manages between thick coughs. cleves frowns.

“i think you should get that checked out while we’re here. you might need some meds like me.”

jane waves her off. “i’ll be fine.”

“no,” aragon says. “we’re not leaving until all of us are well.”

caroline stands up. “here, i’ll take you back.”

“go,” cleves says, “we’ll hold down the fort.”

with a reluctant glance back, jane follows caroline off, leaving aragon and cleves to wait.

“they’re going to be okay,” cleves says, half to aragon and half to herself. “all of them.”

“did they tell you anything about the other two when you came in?” aragon asks, bouncing her leg anxiously. cleves shakes her head.

“wouldn’t tell me anything. but no news is good news, right?”

aragon reluctantly nods. she knows cleves is right, but she can't calm herself. what if something bad happened to them? what if-

no. she can't let herself think that.

jane returns just over ten minutes later, a prescription in her hand. "same as you," she says to cleves, "but with some extra kick to help me sleep."

barely a moment later, a doctor looks squarely at them. "katherine seymour is awake, frantically looking for her mother."

"that's me," jane responds automatically, "can i come back?"

the doctor looks at her critically. "you’re her mother?"

"is that a problem?" jane challenges.

"you don't look nearly old enough, and absolutely nothing like her."

“she’s adopted,” jane says shortly. “now, can i see my daughter?”

the doctor raises his hands. “okay, just calm down, ma’am. do you have any form of ID?”

“oh for god’s...” jane’s voice disappears into a hiss as she pulls her driving license out of her bag. “here. is this okay?”

the doctor looks at the surname on the ID and gives a nod. “okay. i’m very sorry, i just had to check for the patient’s safety. please follow me.”

much to cleves' and aragon's surprise, as soon as the doctor turns jane raises her hands in a mock form of strangulation before following him swiftly.

the hallways seem far too long and endless to jane, who just wants to see her daughter, hopefully in some sort of better state than before.

"here we are, miss seymour," he says, gesturing to the door.

jane barely has one foot in when she hears katherine's voice, small and quiet and raspy.

"mama?"

jane immediately rushes over to the bedside. katherine looks exhausted and pale, but it’s definitely an improvement on the way jane had seen her thrashing around earlier. jane brushes katherine’s hair away from her face with her fingertips and katherine winces at the contact.

“hurts,” she mumbles, and jane moves her hand away.

“i’m sorry, love. how are you feeling?”

“everything hurts,” katherine whispers. “tired.”

“we don’t want her to sleep,” the doctor continued. “the night terrors will continue until we break her fever, which is still incredibly high.”

jane nods and takes katherine’s hand instead. “is this alright, love?”

katherine gives a soft hum as her eyes drift shut. jane squeezes her hand.

“you need to stay awake, kitty-kat,” she says. “you’ll go back to nightmares if you sleep.”

“‘m tired,” katherine doesn’t open her eyes. jane squeezes her hand again, more urgently this time.

“no, kat, you need to stay awake for me.” an idea strikes her that she saw on some tv programme a long time ago. “kat, hold on for me. two twos are?”

“what?” katherine mumbles.

“two twos, kat. what is two times two?”

“four,” kat says, slightly grouchily. jane nods.

“that’s it. now, three threes?”

“nine.”

they keep going, counting up and up into the triple digits, and katherine eventually groans and opens her eyes.

“why are you making me do this? my head hurts.”

“i want you to stay awake, sweetheart,” jane says. “if you fall asleep you’ll go back to nightmares, and we don’t want that, love.”

katherine pouts like a child. “i can deal with nightmares.”

jane winces at the reminder of what she saw at the house. “you were terrified, love. i was terrified for you.”

katherine doesn’t say anything for a few moments.

“i’m just... so tired,” she finally sighs, and she sounds as exhausted as she seems. jane takes her hand again.

“i know, love, i’m sorry. it’s just for a few more hours, and then you can sleep all you like.”

jane gives a rueful smile as katherine yawns like a cat.

“it all hurts,” katherine mumbles.

“i know,” jane repeats. “i know it hurts. but you’ll be okay, love. we’ll go home and you can sleep in your own bed, and guess what?” she very gently taps the tip of katherine’s nose. “even then i won’t leave you alone either.”

katherine gives a tiny half-laugh, then stares up at the ceiling.

“where’s everyone else?” she asks idly. jane pauses for a moment.

“catherine and anna are waiting outside. cathy and anne... they’ve also been admitted. we haven’t heard about them yet- but i’m sure they’re okay,” she adds hastily.

katherine’s forehead creases in concern. “you and anna and aragon... you all are alright?”

“anna and i have-“ she stops and coughs, “-we have meds for bronchitis. aragon is completely healthy.”

katherine nods and settles back into the pillows. “i’m scared, mama,” she admits quietly. “for cathy and anne and...” she trails off to lower her voice, “and me.”

“you’ll be okay, love,” jane says softly. “you all will. medicine can do wonders now, they know what to do to make you all better. i promise, kat.” she leans down and presses a kiss to katherine’s hairline.

katherine doesn’t look too convinced, but the display of maternal affection soothes her slightly.

jane gives a half-smile and leans back to steal another kiss. she places repetitive small kisses along katherine’s hairline until the girl is giving the closest thing to a smile jane thinks she’ll get.

“we’ll be alright, sweetheart,” she promises softly. “we’ll all be alright.”

“thanks, mum,” katherine says incredibly quietly, and jane gives her a gentle smile.

———————————————————————————————————–

tag list: @percabeth15 @kats-seymour @qualquercoisa945 @jane-fucking-seymour @a-slightly-cracked-egg @justqueentingz @annabanana2401 @wolfies-chew-toy @broad-way-13@tvandmusicals @lailaliquorice @aimieallenatkinson @sweet-child-why03 @gaylinda-of-the-upper-uplands @funky-lesbians@thinkaboutitmaybe@hansholbeingoesaroundzeworld @anaamess@beeskneeshuh@prick-up-ur-ears @theartoflazy @justqueentwo @brother-orion@paleshadowofadragon @lafemmestars @beautifulashes17 @jarneiarichardnxel @idkimbadwithusernamesandstuff @sixcago @mixer1323 @boleynssixthfinger @aimieallen @elphiesdance @boleynthebunny @krystalhuntress @lupin-loves-chocolate @bellacardoza16 @bluify

#six the musical #six musical #catherine of aragon #jane seymour #katherine howard #anne of cleves #anne boleyn #catherine parr #julie and jess write #sure to outlast this catastrophe

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readbeneaththelines · 5 years

Text

Captured Moments Pt. 1

A/N: You are an artist given the chance to work with BigHit Ent. as their Creative Art Director. Getting to spend time with BTS, you form a friendship with them. But With Namjoon, could it grow into something more?

Characters: Namjoon x Artist!Reader

Warnings: The Fluffiest Fluff, and soft Namjoon

Word Count: 4149 (The first one is always the longest for me LOL)

Thank you to the amazing @kingsuckjin for being an awesome person and being a beautiful beta! You rock you sexy thing you!

credit to the original owner of this gif

The dream job, the one that you have worked towards all your life. The artistic creator for one of the biggest Kpop groups in the world. You would have the opportunity to share your love of art, use your creative freedom, and hang out with seven of the most beautiful men you had ever seen.

You had, since you could ever remember, always had an art implement in your hands. Whether it be a crayon, pencil, or paintbrush, you were always drawing and coloring, everything. That left the world your canvas, including the white walls of your house, much to the dismay of your parents. Of course they encouraged you, just not using the walls, to create and dream. You were talented enough to earn a full ride to the college of your dreams, Seoul National University. You spent the next 5 years studying your ass off, improving, growing, finding your niche in the art world. Your final year of graduate school, the Dean of the Arts College, Moon Joo, came to you. “Y/N, I have had brought to my attention a position for an artistic creator. It would involve set designing, artistic creativity, and working one on one with clients. I have watched you for the past five years, and I see in you a great potential. I would like to ask you to apply for the position.” You eyes grew wide as you listened to the praises of Dean Moon, excitement building at the prospect of finally having the chance to prove yourself to the world. “Yes sir! I am honored that you considered me for the position. What will I need to prepare?” He smiled at you, his caring demeanor showing throw his usually tough exterior. “I have already taken the incentive and sent your portfolio over to the company. If you gain the position, you should be hearing something from them within the week.

A week? Your heart pounded, a slight twinge of anxiety settling in your brain. You possible future rested on your portfolio. Would it express who you were? Was it enough to give them insight to the passion that filled every fiber of your being? Taking a deep breath, you thanked the Dean and hurried down the corridor to your private studio. Fumbling for your cellphone, you pulled it from the bottom of your bag, hit call on your parents number.

“Hello?” a sleepy voice answered. “Shit! Sorry dad. I wasn’t thinking, I really didn’t mean to wake you.” you rushed your words, excited to share the news. “Is everything okay, sweetie?” his voice full of worry. “Yes! Yes dad, everything is great. I will call you later, when you are both up, I have something good to tell you.” You could hear your dad waking your mother. “It’s okay, hun, we’re up now. So what is this big news that you forgot the time difference?” You took a deep breath as he put the call on speakerphone. “I have been recommended by Dean Moon for a possible artistic creator for a company here in Seoul! He sent my portfolio over to them and I should hear something within the week!” You couldn’t contain the giggles that erupted as you told your parents. “This may be my big break!” You heard your mom in the background, laughing at your giddy excitement. “Congratulations sweetheart. We can’t wait to hear that you got the position. Now, we are going back to sleep, but we will call you later. We love you, and we are so happy for you Y/N.”

“Thanks, mom! Yes, get back to sleep, i’ll talk to you later, love you both.” You hung up, putting your phone on your desk. Picking up the charcoal pencil, you took a long stare at the blank canvas before putting the pencil to work, the image in your mind flowing seamlessly through your fingers. Two hours later, you had the outline created, a face of a small girl, smiling as she herself was drawing a picture. Scooting your stool back, you dusted yourself off, pleased with what you were seeing. Looking at the time, you hurriedly put your supplies away and headed to your next class.

The next week had you always on your toes, every phone call making your heart race and jumping to grab it. Four days, nine hours and thirty-six minutes after your talk with Dean Moon, you received the call you had been anticipating.

“Hello? Y/N Y/L/N speaking.” you were worried about the tone of worry in your voice, but it was quickly replaced with pure joy.

“”Yes, Miss Y/N, this is Bang Si-Hyuk, with BigHit Entertainment. I am calling in reference to your portfolio that was submitted for the position of artistic creator. I would like to extend an invitation to interview with myself and the board in person.”

BigHit Entertainment? Did you hear him correctly? Surely, this isn’t The BigHit of BTS. You almost forgot that ‘Hitman’ Bang was on the other end of the call. “Yes sir! Thank you sir. Just tell me the when and where, and I will be there.” You were given one day to prepare for the interview that would possibly change your life forever. One Day. Twenty. Four. Hours.

Thanking him profusely, you hung up, collapsing onto your small couch. You suddenly sat upright, your mind racing with everything you had to do to prepare.

“Chae! I need you!” you screamed out from your room. Your roommate came running, a panicked look in her eyes “Are you-” she stopped mid-step when she saw your huge grin. “Don’t you ever scare me like that again! I thought something serious had happened!” She stormed over to you, smacking you on the arm. “But something serious did happen. I have an interview with Bang Si-hyuk, of BigHit Entertainment.” The name falling off your tongue had you reeling like a schoolgirl inside. “No! Are you for real, Y/N? What the hell?” Chae plopped down beside you on the edge of your bed. “Remember me telling you that Dean Moon sent my portfolio for a position? It was sent to him. He wants an in person interview tomorrow. Tomorrow! I have nothing to wear, I don’t have anything prepared in case he wants to see some of my other work.” Chae grabbed your hands, the contact easing the panic rising in you. “I’ll help you get things together, all of your stuff is amazing, so anything would impress the pants off of him. As far as clothes, you can borrow something from my closet. I have the perfect outfit for you.” Jumping up, she scurried down the short hallway, coming back five minutes later with a few outfits in hand.

She did have the cutest clothes. Where you always wore things thats were covered in paint or charcoal dust, she had skirts, dresses, outfits that looked classy yet refined. You settled on the flowy, purple , floor length skirt and a soft, cotton cap sleeved off-white top. It suited your carefree style and you felt like the beautiful young woman you were deep inside. Sitting at your two seater dining table, you searched through your photos of your artwork. Black and whites, colored, sepia tinted pictures covered the small area. You opted for the piece you had done your first year, a piece that was a sculpture you did for a summer art show, and lastly the piece you had been working on the past week. The smiling girl drawing, the younger you. You gently placed the photos in a binder, then placed everything in your bag. That evening, you, Chae, and a few friends had a celebratory dinner. By ten p.m. you were nestled in your bed, jittery and excited about tomorrow morning.

Your phone's alarm went off at five in the morning. Stretching, you reached over to turn it off. Jolting upright, you swung your feet over the side of the bed, slipping your feet into your favorite slippers. Passing down the hall, you headed for the kitchen and the already brewing coffee. Pouring a steaming cup of brew, you made your way to the bathroom. You showered, brushed your teeth, and set about getting ready. You could hardly contain yourself as you too one last look in the mirror.

"You'll knock'em dead, Y/N, with both your talent and your looks" Char said sleepily from your doorway. " You really think so?" You asked nervously. Coming up behind you, Char started fixing your hair as she smiled at you in the mirror. " I don't think so, I know so." Taking both your shoulders, she turned you to face her. " You are talented beyond words, you're beautiful, and smart. They would be lucky to have someone as amazing as you on their staff." You hugged your best friend, giving her a genuine grin. "Thank you Chae. You always know how to pick me up." With a hug goodbye, you walked outside your apartment to catch a cab. Twenty minutes later, you were pulling up in front of BigHit studios. Taking a deep, calming breath, you stepped out and paid the driver. Bag in hand, and a confident smile on your face, you headed inside. You showered your ID to the lady at the front desk, nodding when she confirmed your appointment.

"Please have a seat, Miss Y/N, Mr. Bang will be out in a minute." Just as your were about to sit down, you heard your name being called. You straightened yourself, taking long strides to greet the man who had called for you.

" Good morning Mr. Bang, it's very nice to meet you." You took his hand, gripping his just firmly enough to hopefully exude confidence. " Yes, welcome miss Y/N. Please, follow me. We are all looking forward to meeting you." His voice was kind and pleasant, his smile relaxing you instantly. You stepped into the board room, coming face to face with several board members, and them. Seven handsome friendly faces were smiling in your direction. Everyone rose to their feet and bowed in greeting. You bowed in return to each one as they said their name. “Please have a seat, we are very excited to finally meet you. After seeing your portfolio, we are pleased to finally meet the person behind all that talent. You could feel your cheeks burning as you blushed at their compliment.

“Thank you very much. I am honored for this opportunity to meet with you all. I hope that I am able to prove myself and my work effectively.” A round of nods of ‘yes’ filled the room as you took your seat at the head of the table.

“I was very impressed by your portfolio. You have such talent, and to think that you are still in your final year at SNU. I have only seen this kind of talent before from seasoned artists. You should be very pleased with what you have accomplished already.” one of the board members spoke up. “Yes Ma’am, thank you. I have always had a heart for art, ever since I could remember. I was always creating, drawing, sculpting, even as a young child. Creating beauty, creating emotion through art is in my heart and soul. I can only hope that I can touch someone on a personal level with what I create.” The woman nodded in understanding.

Bang Si-hyuk spoke up, garnering your attention to your left. “Have you brought any more of your works with you, by chance?” You nodded, pulling the binder from your bag. Opening it in front of you, several of the board members stood and came up behind you.Only the seven men sayed in their seats, talking amongst themselves. An older gentleman picked up the folio, carrying to the young men who were sitting on the opposite end of the conference table. The others took their seats as another took a stand behind his chair.

“Miss, allow me to explain what we are looking for. We are searching for someone who has the ability to take a verbalized concept and turn it into something that would express the ideas of BTS. Each of the members have a certain concept they want to have visualized by people. We want someone who will be versatile enough to incorporate each unique style and vision of each member and give something that is, for lack of a better word, ethereal. From what we have seen of your work, we believe that you are the only one that fits this ideal. Of course, your work here will be credited for your education, and we will allow you personal time to finish your studies as needed. For compensation, we will offer you along with your salary, anything you may require to earn your Master’s Degree.”

You were sure you were only imagining what they were saying and offering you. Creative freedom, a salary plus education requirements. This had to be too good to be true. “Y/N, we would like to extend you an offer in the position of Artistic Creator of BigHit Entertainment.” All you were capable of doing in response was nod while your jaw hung slightly agape. A soft chuckle from across the room brought you to your senses. “Yes! I mean, I would like to gladly accept the offer. Thank you so much, and you will not regret hiring me.” You stood as the board members came to shake your hand. You bowed politely to each one, thanking them personally for the offer. At last it was just you, Bang Si-hyuk ,and the seven members of the infamous BTS group left in the large meeting room.

One by one, each member, from youngest to oldest, stood and made their way to you. You bowed deeply, only to be interrupted with a clearing of someone’s throat. “Ma’am, there is no need to be that formal with us.” You looked up, only to see Hoseok smiling broadly with his signature grin. “So-sorry. . I just never met anyone famous before. Your face heated as you thought of how ridiculous your comment was. “It’s okay, we’re just like anyone else, normal and goofy.” Taehyung quipped, baring that adorable boxy grin of his. “Thank you. I look forward to working with you all. I hope I can meet your expectations. Namjoon spoke up, his english precise and clear. “If what you have to offer is as spectacular as what we have seen in your portfolio, there is no doubt that you will surpass our expectations. He took your hand, shaking in gently as you just stared in his eyes. Those eyes held a kindness that was beyond his age. He smiled softly at you before stepping aside for the rest of them to talk with you.

“Alright boys, let’s give her some room. We have some things to finalize, and you all have choreo to get to.” with a wave of his hand, he shooed them from the room, taking a seat next to you. “They are really excited to start working with you. Don’t let them give you any worry, you will get along nicely with them.” You gave your first genuine smile, then set about settling your contract. The salary would be more than enough to let you live comfortably. You were offered a personal studio with which to work in, and a small private apartment close to the studios. Over an hour later, you were signing your name on the bottom line of a packet that seemed thicker than any dictionary you had ever seen. Thanking Bang Si-hyuk, you shook his hand, then let him lead you out of the meeting room.

“Jisoo, would you please give Miss Y/N a tour of the facilities? Show here where she will be working and if you could please, call for a ride to take her to her new apartment.” Jisoo bowed “Yes sir, right away.” Smiling at you, she came from around her station, “Please follow me.” she motioned for you to follow her. She gave a full tour, the cafe, the studio, the practice rooms, and the main offices. “This is where you will bespending most of your time.” she motioned as she led you into a spacious art studio. Anything and everything you could ever want or need was in this space. “This is my space? I have this all to myself?” She gave a pleasant smile before answering. “Yes, Miss. If you find you need anything, please let me know and I will get it for you by the end of the day.”

As the tour concluded, you were led outside where a car and driver were waiting for you. “Mr. Hyun will be taking you to your new apartment. When you are finished there, he will bring you back here for lunch. Please come to me when you arrive and I will show you where we will be eating.” Thanking her, you situated yourself in the back seat, letting your head fall against the headrest as the events of this morning came rushing over you. The apartment was just ten minutes from the studio, and easy walk if you had to. He led you upstairs, handing you your new keys to your new place. Stepping inside , you took a deep breath. It was larger than your current place, furniture already in place. It had a cozy relaxing feel to it. Soft muted colors and oversized couch and chairs. You walked from room to room, taking mental notes of what you would need to bring with you.

Once you had a good look around, you met back with the driver. You were back at BigHit, and the driver opened your door. You could see a small throng of girls standing on the corner, their heads darting in your direction as you exited the car and were walked inside. “They really do have no privacy, do they?” you asked Mr. Hyun, who only shook his head for an answer. You met back up with Jisoo, and she walked with you to the cafe, a large buffet set up in the back.

“Ahh! Leave some for the others! You can’t hog all the pork!” Jin was pushing Taehyung aside, trying to steal the tongs from his hands. Jungkook was laughing about something Hoseok had said. When you entered, all heads turned in your direction. “Yes! The artist extraordinaire has arrived!.” Jimin came up to you, bowing slightly before giving you his heart-eyed smile. “Please, come on and join us. We just got started, hopefully there is still enough for you to enjoy.” You thanked him politely, letting him take the lead. He handed you a plate, then started to pile your dish with everything present. By the time he was done, your plate was stacked high and heavy. “Thank you Jimin.” you said, your voice small and shy.

As if reading your thoughts, Hoseok stepped between you and Jimin. “Don’t be shy, Miss Y/N, we don’t bite. Come, have a seat with us, we were just discussing your artwork.” He put his arm around your shoulder, Jimin shrugging as he grinned. “You’ll get used to him, he is a very hands on person.” Hoseok guided you to their table, introducing you to the others gathered around. You greeted them all respectfully, shaking hands and bowing as needed. “So, tell us what you’re thinking. I’m sure this is all overwhelming right now.” Looking to your right, you saw Yoongi waiting for you to take a seat. You sat down quickly, taking the offered cup of water from Jungkook. His bunny smile had you at ease immediately. “Thank you, Jungkook. Ahh, yes, it is a bit overwhelming, but I am excited to get right to work. I can’t wait to hear all of your thoughts on what you want to portray to the public. Hopefully I can give your thoughts and ideas justice.”

“From what I saw, you have nothing to worry about. Your artwork is truly amazing. Looking through your folio, I was quite excited to get to meet the person who put so much passion into what they produced. You have a raw talent, Miss Y/N. I am sure you will give our ideas more than just justice. I think it will appear as if you were inside our minds.” Namjoon’s voice made the others go silent. When he spoke, it was with authority and kindness. Everyone hung on each word, as if he was delivering an important address. “Thank you for the encouragement, Namjoon. A please, you all can drop the Miss part. I am younger than you, and it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable at the formality. That is, unless you prefer.”

“Y/N it is then. But, only on the instance that you drop formalities also.” Jin chimed in. “Yes sir. I mean, okay.” Everyone, including yourself laughed at your statement. The meal was spent in pleasant chatter. You learned about the basics of BigHit, what daily life was like within these walls. Before you knew it, all plates were empty and you were fully sated. “Alright people, back to it, we have a lot to get caught up on. Y/N, if you wouldn’t mind, please come with me. We have a few things to finalize and then you are free for the day.” You rose from your seat, saying goodbyes as you left. “I believe you will flow with those here effortlessly. I just wanted to get your schedule for the next few weeks set up then you are free to go.” He led you to his office, which was almost bigger than your living room, dining room, and kitchen combined. You sat down in a soft leather settee, sinking deep as you lowered yourself.

“May I ask a question?” He nodded a go ahead as he searched through his computer. “I was curious, I know you would expect me to start immediately, and I am ready to work. But, may have a day to gather my things from my place and say goodbyes before tomorrow?”

“Of course, Y/N. I was planning on sending some help to your place to help you move, if that is okay. I would like to have you starting yesterday, but if you need time, how about Monday morning, say seven a.m. sharp?” You readily accepted his offer, thanking him for the ample amount of time. Shortly, your schedule was set, and he walked you to the front door, holding his hand out. “I look forward to working with you, I cannot wait to see what talent you bring to BigHit. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to get busy, this place almost runs itself, but I am needed here and there.” You shook his hand then bowed deeply, thanking him again for everything. You walked to the bus stop, you mind running crazy with everything that had just transpired over the first half of the day. You have to remind yourself that you couldn’t call you parents yet, but your body was buzzing with joy. Taking your phone from your bag, you called Chae.

“I got the job!” you screamed, making several heads turn in your direction. “Oh my! I am so happy for you Y/N! We are definitely celebrating tonight. Drinks are on me. See you later, and congrats again.” You hung up, your smile beaming and reaching from ear to ear so much your face hurt, but you couldn’t stop. That night, before the party began, you called your parents. Their joy and happiness was evident, and you thanked them for allowing you to follow your dream. “I am so blessed to have parents like you. Thank you for allowing me to be who I want to be, for giving me the courage to follow my heart. All I am, is because of you and dad. Thank you mom. I love you to the moon and beyond.”

“We love you too, baby. I am happy for you and this new journey you are about to go on. May it be everything you have wanted. Once you get settled, your dad and I want to come for a visit, if you have time.” You hung up, happy tears blurring your eyes. You spent the rest of the night, and well into the early morning hours telling your friends what happened that day. You and Chae cried about you having to leave her, but you promised her she could come visit as soon as she was allowed. When all was said and done, you sat on your favorite lounge chair, glass of wine in hand and thought about what your mom had said. You were starting a new journey, and hopefully it would lead you to all you ever dreamed about.

“Hello? Y/N Y/L/N speaking.” you were worried about the tone of worry in your voice, but it was quickly replaced with pure joy.

Thanking him profusely, you hung up, collapsing onto your small couch. You suddenly sat upright, your mind racing with everything you had to do to prepare.

@min-shookga-yoongi @beautifulseoulliar @agustd-suga-yoongii @astronomyturtle @aspaceformyself @dreamyoongi @holy-yoong i@trashkazuya @maxinaptak @micky1518 @rosiemilas @karri570

@seoulsunshineandstories @kwonnansi @xjamlessparkx @berryjam17

@kingsuckjin

#bts namjoon #namjoon x reader #namjoon fluff #namjooning #namjoon

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sukunasdirtylaugh · 4 years

Text

“If You Ever Wanna Be In Love,”-Bucky Barnes (2/?)

word count: 1.5k

Pairing: Bucky Barnes X Female Doctor

Warnings: None. BUUUUUT, some angst. Some.

Summary: l really wanted to yell at Bucky at the beginning but, can you blame him? We get some of the interactions you guys wanted but its somewhat there lol. He’s not that much of a jerk here but hopefully this makes up for it. Also, who do you think the person behind the Doctor is? Let me know what you think(:

After working under Hydra for decades, medical visits from Hydra Physicians weren’t the best. In fact, Bucky despised them. Whenever he would get injured on a mission that would mean another evaluation. That’s why he would almost never get injured during a mission. He would do whatever it took to come back in one piece and not be reevaluated by Physicians and scientists again and again.

“So it looks like they’re keeping you here for a little over a week, bud.” Said Steve not even looking back at Buck as he read the whiteboard. The board itself was simple to read- you had the basics, patient name, date, and what the Nurse’s name was (in this case Jacqueline), what their injury was, what they needed, and what their meal plan was.

“You can’t be serious…” trailed off Bucky in disbelief.

Steve gave his best friend an apologetic look, “Sorry pal,” he said as he sat down on a chair next to him, “I tried my best to tell them you hated these places but they did their best-”

“-And you’re telling me 10 days is their best?” asked Bucky irritated.

“Hey,” said Steve sternly almost like a mother, “at least you’re alive. The staff have done nothing wrong but to help you so don’t you think it’d be nice of you to try to be nice to them?”

Bucky huffed, Alive.

“Nice to me? You mean not letting me go home is considered nice?”

“You have me, Nat, Banner, and the gang.” reasoned Steve, “Besides,” he said as he moved a handful of Get Well Soon and It’s a Boy! balloons to Bucky’s direction, “You’ve got Thor too. He actually felt bad because you took a hit for him and he got you these,” he gestured to the balloons.

Buck raised an eyebrow cross armed.

“He said that he wanted to get you as many balloons as he could but they had very few ‘get well soon so he went with the ‘its a boy’ balloons. Some of the staff didn’t let him add all of them because it took all of the room space in here -including the hallway- and because it looked like the balloons from ‘UP’ so, with the help of one doctor, she suggested Thor could give those balloons to the kids from down below. You know, the very sick ones. Said they’d be happy to have some color in the halls.”

The former Winter Soldier shrugged slightly and changed the subject. A conversation later and a visit from Sam later, it was his scheduled meal time.

“So you’re telling me, that I can’t have Jell-O?”

The Nurse nodded, “No Jell-O. You have to eat your food,” said his Nurse (whose name was Jacqueline according to her pinned ID) as she pushed the plate of microwaved steak and mashed potato his way. Is that thing even edible? Wondered Bucky.

Hesitantly, Bucky took a sniff and immediately gagged. The smell of burnt Tupperware burned his nostrils and regret filled his stomach.

“There’s no way I’m eating that,” he shook his head.

“You have to.”

“Well I’m not,”

Steve jumped in, “Yes he will. Don’t worry about him. You’ve had a long 12 hour shift. How about you go home and get some rest? He’ll be fine with us.” He offered her another one of his ‘charming’ smiles and the young Nurse eagerly nodded.

After she left, Bucky shook his head, “I’m still not eating that,”

Steve frowned, ‘’You have to. It’s part of your meal plan. The sooner you eat, the better you’ll get better meaning the sooner you leave incase you didn’t know,”

“You mean the sooner I’ll die,” Bucky corrected him. “There’s no way people get better by eating this junk. It’s worse than what they’d give us back in our days.”

His friend smiled at the memory. “Yeah,” he said but he was quick to pull himself back into reality, “but I’m not getting you hotdogs. Not happening,”

Bucky groaned in frustration.

“Just...eat, okay? Look-” as soon as he started his sentence, a knock was heard on the door.

It turned out to be you.

“Hi Mr. Rogers. I’m Dr. (honestly add whatever you want in here lmao it’s 1am here so I might add a filler name for her) and I just wanted to check up on Mr. Barnes.”

“It’s Steve,” he said politely, ‘’And you can just call him Bucky. We’re not much for formalities but maybe you can get him to eat? I have to leave real quick because I’ve got a meeting so-” his phone rang and he answered it.

“Hello? Yeah, it’s me. Look, I’ll be there in a sec okay? Yeah, Buck’s doin’ great. Good hands. Yup.” he mentioned if it was okay if he could leave and you smiled at him mouthing ‘go ahead’ to him. He thanked you and turned to Buck.

“I won’t be gone for long. I might come back in an hour or during the night. I’ll let the staff know though, okay? Just eat. Please,”

Again, you saw their interactions almost the same as a mother and a child or a brother to a younger brother kind of love and that warms your heart.

After he left, you were alone with a now fully conscious Bucky for the first time since your last encounter. You wondered if he remembered anything from them.

“So…” you paused, “Steve said you didn’t want to eat?”

Bucky exhaled, “I do want to eat. I’m starving’ but the food you guys give out is the worst. How can you eat this and not get sick?”

You smiled sheepishly, “Well, you’re not the first to complain. We’ve been trying to improve our cafeteria but I don’t eat the food here,”

The man raised an eyebrow, “So what do you really eat then?”

“I just bring stuff from home,” you say, “Actually,” you look down to see your watch. It’s 7 minutes till your next lunch break. All your current patients are either sleeping or stable. “I’ve got some lunch with me today. My break is in a few minutes too so would you like some?”

Now interested, Bucky leans forward, “I don’t know, whaddya got?”

Shrugging, you answer, “I’ve got some pasta, fruit, granola, and some other things. Do you want some?”

********************

“So,” Bucky started as picked at the bowtie pasta, “you normally give your patients food?”

You shake your head and take a sip of water. “Not really. Sometimes, I over-pack, and I might give some Nurses some snacks or even patients waiting for their families. For example, one day, I had this elderly man who had a stroke. His wife was there every step of the way and I noticed all she had was coffee. She never ate. So the next day, I pack some extra snacks and offered her some. She seemed to not want to accept but I told her I had enough to eat and I gave her some fruit and this chicken and rice plate I cooked. I’d bring her food whenever I got the chance until I saw that she’d be staying here longer. I told some of my co-workers and we all pitched in and gave her a card so she could buy whatever she wanted from the cafeteria. Of Course, the nurses also gave her snacks and things from their pot-lucks but you should have seen the look on her face. It was like letting someone eat, like, we let her eat but she couldn’t- I...it's hard to explain. It’s just that, the system shouldn’t deny anyone food or-”

“Water?” finished Bucky. You laughed a bit exasperated.

“Yeah. Just, things like that. Any who, how’re you feeling? Got any headaches? Nausea?”

He shook his head, “Nope. I’m feeling better. Maybe your pasta helped,”

“Well they do say that happiness is homemade,”

Bucky, with a mouthful of pasta, pointed at you with his fork, “Hey that’s what my Ma used to say,”

You raise your eyes holding back a grin, “Well, your Amnesia seems to be better. What do you remember from the accident?”

“Uhhh, I remember getting hit?”

“Try to be more specific,” you say trying not to pressure him.

“I remember Steve carrying me out. Then I remember being put on some wood? I don’t know but it was hard and the next thing I know I was talking about socks. But why? And then as I was leaving I remember something about a desert. After that, I passed out. Do you know what happened?”

“Well…” you trail off, “I’ll give you a word. If it rings a bell, let me know but it’s Jell-O. Does that ring a bell?”

You could evidently see the man in front of you furrow his brows together in thought. Maybe he did remember.

“Yeah,” he nodded. “That was the desert!”

You mirrored his actions, “Well, would you like some?”

Not even a second later, the room in which you two were in was filled with a loud and somewhat-heavy thump!

“Doctor! There you are!”

chapter 3

#Bucky #Bucky Barnes #buchanan #James Buchanan Bucky Barnes #james buchanan barnes #marvel #steve #endgame #marvel fic #marvel endgame #avengers endgame #Sebastian Stan #sebastian #stan #sam wilson #thor #Avengers infinity war #infinity war

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avpdpunpun · 5 years

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i disappeared for 3/4ths a year here’s an update?

its been 4 months since my queue ran out and way longer since i wrote an actual post. 8 months about? i think i last posted when i impulse quit a job that was bad for my mental health and just kept getting worse.

sometimes i wonder when ppl who blog about mental illness disappear if they’ve died. there was a big user i used to follow who did, and i still occasionally think about it sometimes, so i figure its nice to post updates sometimes. and being able to look back on posts ive written and reflect on them/what state of mind i was in can be helpful even if it can be embarrassing/dangerous because its so easy to fall back into those thinking habits

after quitting my job i did basically nothing for 6 months haha. at some point i managed to clean out my room which i had done the bare minimum on for years because of depression, took out more built up trash than i thought was possible to fit into my small space. its disgusting but the only thing i struggle to keep up with now at least is vacuuming and putting clothes away so my space is a lot cleaner and it makes me happier. your living space can really have an effect on your mood bless you marie kondo

after my post about having an anxiety attack taking my test i got my drivers license in march. i saw the same lady again after going somewhere else and i think she just let me pass because she felt bad haha. i never finished drivers ed and i still get anxiety about driving unfamiliar routes but my skills and confidence have improved a lot. i managed to drive 2 hours to a big city to visit a friend! i literally didnt have a choice in getting my license, but its still something i can be proud of. like, when i have to explain it to people, it feels extremely shitty that i didnt get it until i was 20, and only about 5 months ago too but... for someone who struggles as much as me, i have to be proud of it my small accomplishments or i’ll have nothing.

at some point something in my brain just snapped and i literally havent been able to cry? for a long time in those 6 months i felt like i was right on the edge of breaking down mentally but never actually crossing that line and it was honestly one of the weirdest things ive experienced. i almost wanted to have a breakdown again just to get rid of the feeling and reach a catharsis like... i used to be a fucking crybaby almost but i. cant. anymore. but i think ive mostly moved away from this point... still feel kinda weird tho.

i didnt end up signing up to a local school fo gen eds. its still on my mind for the vague future because there’s topics i want to learn about (psychology, natural resources, languages...) and maybe try to pursue for a career but really i just wanted a way to get out of my toxic house, even if it meant going into debt to live in a shitty dorm.

in the last 30 days though life has been moving extremely quickly for me. i dont think i couldve lived with myself much longer being a useless adult basically living in my basement bedroom of my parents house, especially with my younger siblings getting nearer to adult milestones, plus my savings were starting to run out.

so literally next weekend, i’m moving out! and i make enough money right now that with the rough budget i have established, if its accurate, i’ll have a decent amount of wiggle room and hopefully wont be ruining my mental health just trying to make ends meet.

it took a long time of searching but i managed to find a job that hasnt made me suicidal and has slightly more than the MIT living wage for my area lol. im a janitor now! we’ll see how long it lasts but a lot of the factors from my last two jobs that contributed to my failing mental health are gone. i rarely have to interact with other people, and if i do its my coworkers, of who i tend to only see for minutes per day, or the other people working in the building i clean who at most i have to say hi and have a nice night to lol. i get to listen to music and podcasts for 8 hours and its very routine heavy. i have to clock out after the 8 hours is up so i literally cant be forced into overtime. a lot of people dont respect cleaning jobs like this but honestly who gives a fuck, its something i can handle mentally and support myself with. its still hard adjusting to 40 hours. i know its the standard, but the standard is rly tough for me, but i think i can do it long term.

all of this has been achieved through sheer self hatred and impulse alone, and im very nervous about moving in with 3 other people even if 1 of them ive known for 8 years, and i dont think its even properly hit me yet. literally cant register that i have to fend 100% for myself but also ill be away from my toxic family! i can bring my cat with me, who before this i got to see at MOST once a week!

a dude ive known online for two or more years is moving to my area too for college and he’s so sweet and kind, i feel better talking to him than i have 99% of people in my life and im so lucky to know him. ive been forced to talk about personal things i was kind of dreading (not his fault, just a result of our relationship going to go from online -> irl and things id have to address beforehand) and honestly i didnt even mind it that much when i just got it over with and talked about it to him! vulnerability is literally the thing i struggle with the most in interpersonal relationships and is a huge block for me in every way and in even the most mundane life situations but like... he’s honestly the best and im getting emotional writing this and its weird af because i straight up dont GET emotional about other people. ive absolutely developed a stupid fucking crush on him recently and i THINK hes been receptive to flirting and i cant tell if he flirts back because we already say i love you and are wholesome af but honestly no clue if he’s into (trans) dudes but honestly? even if it doesnt work out im so happy to be friends with him and im so excited to finally meet him!! i really think knowing him has helped me improve myself

i’ve always thought that if i could literally just achieve the bare minimum in life that things would naturally get better. like i’m still mentally ill and get paranoid about peoples intentions and i think if my boss yelled at me id have an anxiety attack on the spot. im still depressed and hate that i have low energy and that it’s still rly hard doing basic chores.

but like a huge part of my problem was that i felt like i literally couldn’t TRY to connect with people if i couldn’t face having to tell them bare info about myself, like “oh i cant drive” or “i dont have a job” or that i was living with my parents but not even making PROGRESS on getting out. like how could i make friends or go on dates if i literally couldnt contribute shit or admit these things i was so ashamed of? a lot of my self image was shaped by this because my entire life i havent been mentally well enough to do as well as i should have.

but like. i feel like im finally doing these basic things!! i dont have to hate myself so much anymore! i dont look badly on other mentally ill ppl who are less lucky than i/havent been able to do those things yet/might not ever and are still in the same situation i was 2 months ago but the self hatred is strong pls understand.

i dont know yet if i could afford twice yearly drs visits for meds or anything and probably not therapy. i dont even know what my insurance is yet haha. but i’ll see

i need to figure out at what point in my life im going to be able to never contact a single person in my family ever again, considering i’ll be a 20 min drive away and they will know the precise location of where i live, and if i’ll ever feel safe enough in society to start hrt but :^) you know :^) i can at least present more masculinely in the meantime!

i dont rly know how to conclude this... i’m not trying to brag either im just very nervous and excited about where my life might be going for the first time ever? maybe? in my entire life? i have no clue what to pursue after moving out, but i can figure it out. and just... that there’s hope even if youre as fucked up and mentally ill as i am lmao!

#text #update #mostly tagging this for myself to read later if i ever start blogging frequently again

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williamedwardscoder · 5 years

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Slow database? It might not be your fault

<rant>

Okay, it usually is your fault. If you logged the SQL your ORM was generating, or saw how you are doing joins in code, or realised what that indexed UUID does to your insert rate etc you’d probably admit it was all your fault. And the fault of your tooling, of course.

In my experience, most databases are tiny. Tiny tiny. Tables with a few thousand rows. If your web app is slow, its going to all be your fault. Stop building something webscale with microservices and just get things done right there in your database instead. Etc.

But, quite often, each company has one or two databases that have at least one or two large tables. Tables with tens of millions of rows. I work on databases with billions of rows. They exist. And that’s the kind of database where your database server is underserving you. There could well be a metric ton of actual performance improvements that your database is leaving on the table. Areas where your database server hasn’t kept up with recent (as in the past 20 years) of regular improvements in how programs can work with the kernel, for example.

Over the years I’ve read some really promising papers that have speeded up databases. But as far as I can tell, nothing ever happens. What is going on?

For example, your database might be slow just because its making a lot of syscalls. Back in 2010, experiments with syscall batching improved MySQL performance by 40% (and lots of other regular software by similar or better amounts!). That was long before spectre patches made the costs of syscalls even higher.

So where are our batched syscalls? I can’t see a downside to them. Why isn’t linux offering them and glib using them, and everyone benefiting from them? It’ll probably speed up your IDE and browser too.

Of course, your database might be slow just because you are using default settings. The historic defaults for MySQL were horrid. Pretty much the first thing any innodb user had to do was go increase the size of buffers and pools and various incantations they find by googling. I haven’t investigated, but I’d guess that a lot of the performance claims I’ve heard about innodb on MySQL 8 is probably just sensible modern defaults.

I would hold tokudb up as being much better at the defaults. That took over half your RAM, and deliberately left the other half to the operating system buffer cache.

That mention of the buffer cache brings me to another area your database could improve. Historically, databases did ‘direct’ IO with the disks, bypassing the operating system. These days, that is a metric ton of complexity for very questionable benefit. Take tokudb again: that used normal buffered read writes to the file system and deliberately left the OS half the available RAM so the file system had somewhere to cache those pages. It didn’t try and reimplement and outsmart the kernel.

This paid off handsomely for tokudb because they combined it with absolutely great compression. It completely blows the two kinds of innodb compression right out of the water. Well, in my tests, tokudb completely blows innodb right out of the water, but then teams who adopted it had to live with its incomplete implementation e.g. minimal support for foreign keys. Things that have nothing to do with the storage, and only to do with how much integration boilerplate they wrote or didn’t write. (tokudb is being end-of-lifed by percona; don’t use it for a new project 😞)

However, even tokudb didn’t take the next step: they didn’t go to async IO. I’ve poked around with async IO, both for networking and the file system, and found it to be a major improvement. Think how quickly you could walk some tables by asking for pages breath-first and digging deeper as soon as the OS gets something back, rather than going through it depth-first and blocking, waiting for the next page to come back before you can proceed.

I’ve gone on enough about tokudb, which I admit I use extensively. Tokutek went the patent route (no, it didn’t pay off for them) and Google released leveldb and Facebook adapted leveldb to become the MySQL MyRocks engine. That’s all history now.

In the actual storage engines themselves there have been lots of advances. Fractal Trees came along, then there was a SSTable+LSM renaissance, and just this week I heard about a fascinating paper on B+ + LSM beating SSTable+LSM. A user called Jules commented, wondered about B-epsilon trees instead of B+, and that got my brain going too. There are lots of things you can imagine an LSM tree using instead of SSTable at each level.

But how invested is MyRocks in SSTable? And will MyRocks ever close the performance gap between it and tokudb on the kind of workloads they are both good at?

Of course, what about Postgres? TimescaleDB is a really interesting fork based on Postgres that has a ‘hypertable’ approach under the hood, with a table made from a collection of smaller, individually compressed tables. In so many ways it sounds like tokudb, but with some extra finesse like storing the min/max values for columns in a segment uncompressed so the engine can check some constraints and often skip uncompressing a segment.

Timescaledb is interesting because its kind of merging the classic OLAP column-store with the classic OLTP row-store. I want to know if TimescaleDB’s hypertable compression works for things that aren’t time-series too? I’m thinking ‘if we claim our invoice line items are time-series data…’

Compression in Postgres is a sore subject, as is out-of-tree storage engines generally. Saying the file system should do compression means nobody has big data in Postgres because which stable file system supports decent compression? Postgres really needs to have built-in compression and really needs to go embrace the storage engines approach rather than keeping all the cool new stuff as second class citizens.

Of course, I fight the query planner all the time. If, for example, you have a table partitioned by day and your query is for a time span that spans two or more partitions, then you probably get much faster results if you split that into n queries, each for a corresponding partition, and glue the results together client-side! There was even a proxy called ShardQuery that did that. Its crazy. When people are making proxies in PHP to rewrite queries like that, it means the database itself is leaving a massive amount of performance on the table.

And of course, the client library you use to access the database can come in for a lot of blame too. For example, when I profile my queries where I have lots of parameters, I find that the mysql jdbc drivers are generating a metric ton of garbage in their safe-string-split approach to prepared-query interpolation. It shouldn’t be that my insert rate doubles when I do my hand-rolled string concatenation approach. Oracle, stop generating garbage!

This doesn’t begin to touch on the fancy cloud service you are using to host your DB. You’ll probably find that your laptop outperforms your average cloud DB server. Between all the spectre patches (I really don’t want you to forget about the syscall-batching possibilities!) and how you have to mess around buying disk space to get IOPs and all kinds of nonsense, its likely that you really would be better off perforamnce-wise by leaving your dev laptop in a cabinet somewhere.

Crikey, what a lot of complaining! But if you hear about some promising progress in speeding up databases, remember it's not realistic to hope the databases you use will ever see any kind of benefit from it. The sad truth is, your database is still stuck in the 90s. Async IO? Huh no. Compression? Yeah right. Syscalls? Okay, that’s a Linux failing, but still!

Right now my hopes are on TimescaleDB. I want to see how it copes with billions of rows of something that aren’t technically time-series. That hybrid row and column approach just sounds so enticing.

Oh, and hopefully MyRocks2 might find something even better than SSTable for each tier?

But in the meantime, hopefully someone working on the Linux kernel will rediscover the batched syscalls idea…? ;)

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everydayanth · 5 years

Link

I keep reading these posts about millennial culture and narcissism and entitlement and self-importance etc. and I just keep coming back to this very simple answer.

Money itself is uncertain and not that useful, jobs are uncertain, everything is uncertain. We need to feel important and required in our jobs not out of inflated egos (I mean, yeah, but I think that’s a defense mechanism), but because it is our only security in a world that changes too quickly to ever be sure of anything.

Emotions and values are the enemies of stability. We love to watch the rich fall and so we are very aware of how easy it is. We are told we are lazy and entitled and so we sacrifice ourselves to prove otherwise, to find the stability and economic surety that means we are okay. So we sacrifice emotions and relationships because we don’t have the energy to devote to them if we want to be stable and we need to be stable to support them in the first place.

And then we have the class divide of utter ignorance where those above the line are so out of touch with those below that their perception of reasonable is comical, and their control of wealth is despicable.

I’m not a psychologist or an economist (surprise), but it seems fairly simple to me: millennials’ needs for basic human survival and second-tier safety are not being met enough to warrant the pursuance of third tier important factors like relationships and self improvement. Plenty of assholes are inverting this and making “millennial” hierarchies mocking the “need for wifi” and shit without using critical thinking skills long enough to recognize the “need for wifi” to be part of building the basic stability needs of the second tier “safety/security.”

I’m a bit pissed about that because they’re making money off people who already hate millennials and inflating this inverted understanding without any experience with the struggles facing millennials. Like the lack of housing availability, rising cost of basic needs, including food in relation to the lower nutritional value due to soil and agricultural nutrition crisis and burial practices, climate change, economic instability and industry changes, mental health crisis, acts of terrorism and mass shootings, and now we get to slap on a nice heavy layer of arrogant elderly expectations that just don’t work anymore? Ugh. Okay, moving on. Hopefully we’re all on something of the same page, same chapter maybe?

If you prefer the Freudianisms, our superegos (projections of values) are unreliable, they lie to us and manipulate us with rules that no longer apply (like values we were taught but don’t agree with), our ids (basic instinct to survive or components of personality) are betrayers, they coax us into feeling but all we feel is hurt, lost, alone, and hopeless, so our egos (perception of reality) are all we can balance, we wall ourselves off and control our minds into compartmentalizing survival.

Perhaps this is naive, but I don’t think it’s that complicated, and abductive reasoning says look for the simplest and most likely scenario: We’re all scared, change is happening at exponential rates, new problems, new demands, new failures, new fears. We’re all scared all the time and we’re just looking for peace and a way to survive that doesn’t hurt others, or else we give up caring about others because it becomes impossible.

In order to survive, we must make money, it’s not a coincidence that rap has overtaken the rock of the 90s. Rock, for a while, was focused on defeating the corruption, and of course there were popular rap artists focused on this as well, but on the whole, I think rap was about getting out of the ghetto, getting out of the system so you could fix it from the outside, or so you could survive, and survival looks like excess. We can’t fight this system, it’s so big and so corrupted, so we’ve shifted our focus on getting out of it, making money, getting to a point of excess, and then we’ve “made it.”

But don’t worry, that responsibility is coming back around, I think we all know, we all want to be part of the change, to make the world better for everyone, to fight the system, we’re just at a loss for how to do it. I probably opened Pandora’s freakin’ box with that massive generalization about rap vs. rock. I know it’s a generalization, and a lot of my opinion on it is coming from a personal contrast of experience between black friends trying to get out of the ghetto to build a better life for their families, to survive, and newer/older white friends from upper/middle class families trying to just make money. They want the same thing, but I think for different reasons, and it’s easy to look at is as “selfish” and “entitled” as the enemy things ruining economic industries.

It’s easy to complain about the descent of the dollar, to blame the newcomers for change no matter when it began, to look at what a buck used to buy and how little it goes now. But Millennials grew up in that drastic changing world where a dollar went from a gallon of gas to a gallon of milk, to a single song. We’re just waiting for the next division of the dollar to tell us our hard work means nothing and blame us for existing and struggling to contribute anything to a society that keeps paying itself by dividing its wealth.

We either accept our place at the bottom of a never ending food chain, or we fight to get higher. Or we fight the system that doesn’t work and find a better ecosystem that feeds everyone, that recycles wealth rather than hoarding it or throwing it out. Stock-piling has never ended well for the holder. And I think we’re all starting to finally see what the problem is, who the problem is, and it’s so intimidating, some people refuse to look. That’s okay, as long as we keep fighting the hoarders instead of each other, I think it might be okay.

#value #culture #economics #millennial culture #millennials #psychology #survival #anthropology #money #value of a dollar #dollar #currency #maslow's hierarchy of needs #freudian #social science

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l0chn3ss · 6 years

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I got tagged by @happyisahabit, a space fool, a pumpernickel, a baker who has yet to give me baked goods, please give me a cupcake

1. How did you come up with your username and what does it mean?

because anabell is love and anabell is life

2. Which fanfic of yours has the most feedback? (bookmarks/favorites, follows/subscriptions, visitor hits, kudos)

uh... good question

seems like Fleeting has the most reviews and faves with a STAGGERING 26 reviews HAHAHAH

3. What is your FFnNet/AO3 profile icon, and why did you choose it?

@xwynn sheds a tear every time but i goddamn love it

4. Do you have any regular/favourite commenters?

Yeah dude @fluffypuppy77 and @quantamtheory1 for sure, something about seeing them warms my heart tbh. and then those i can’t find on tumblr but are active on ffnet are “Whispered Winters” and “8YearsOfMaka”

5. Is there a fanfic that you keep going back to read again and again?

i’ll be real, i haven’t read much fanfiction lately, but if you force me to put a name on something then i’d say any of @happyisahabit‘s works

6. How many stories are you subscribed to? How many do you have bookmarked?

they’re pretty much outdated and irrelevant now

7. Which AU do you find yourself writing the most?

mythology, fantasy, supernatural, fae, witchy, magical; because i always return to my roots

8. How many people are subscribed and bookmarked to you in total? (you can view this on the stats page)

listen, im thankful the maker of this ask game put where you can find it, but i can’t be arsed to check xD

5 mins later: i found it, but look im so pleased Total views to Profile Page : 1,881 that’s a beautiful number. a really good number. a mirrored, symmetrical number. i like that shit. NO ONE ELSE VIEW MY PROFILE FROM NOW ON. IF THAT NUMBER CHANGES I’LL CRY.

9. Is there something you’d like to write about but are afraid of people judging you for it? (Feeling brave? If so, share it!)

I’ve always wanted to write obiyuki or like z.//e-ki or rusa the og ship id die for, but, one is too old shit, two im not quite there with character understanding and world competence yet but soon i’ll show up, and three the fandom is crazy and i wouldn’t touch it with a 10 meter pole. guess which.

10. Is there anything you would like to be better at? Writing certain scenes or genres, replying to comments, updating better, etc.

to echo liz, FINISHING MY WIPS???? and also writing cute smooches would be cool tho, but im too busy writing angst for that

11. Do you write rarepairs or popular ships more often?

i feel attacked by question eleven and i don’t like it’s tone.

12. How many stories have you posted on FFNet/AO3 to this day (finished and unfinished)?

69 stories on ffnet :) hehehehehehehehehe 69. + 1 cuz i posted one more a couple of days ago. i think there’s a disproportionate amount of unfinished fics to finished fics there too. it’s like schrodinger's cat at this point to my poor subcribers: am i gunna post a new fic or update an old one? if i don’t post you’ll never find out

@rebornfromash look hehehe 69

13. How many stories do you have saved in/with your writing program?

don’t.

14. Do you write down story ideas, or just keep them in your head?

i have sticky notes, note cards, notebooks, dump docs on both google drive and word doc and notes on the iphone, slipped pieces of papers jammed into books, and friends who i just burst in and go “hi i have an idea and im going to use the ctrl f function to document my shit”

if i keep it solely in my head then it becomes lost and no longer a concept

15. Have you ever co-authored a story?

yes i have :) good stories, better partners

16. How did you discover FFNet/AO3?

i think my very first time i ever went on the site was caused by @roni-westbrook, a dramione fic called harmony

17. Do you consider yourself to be a popular or famous author in your fandom(s) on FFNet/AO3?

nah

18. Do you have a nickname or fandom name for your readers?

Thirsty Monsters From The Loch. Sip Sip Bish.

19. Was there an author who inspired or encouraged you to write?

one day i took at look at myself, and i went, “are you ready to truly become fandom trash?” and an answer came almost immediately, “hell yeah”

20. What writing advice would you give to a beginning author?

Write. For. Your. Self.

i can’t say that enough because if you decide to let your audience dictate what you write and how well you write and how you feel about your writing due to the lack of reception or lots, you’re just entering a world of hurt. one day you may feel great about your writing because you got over a hundred notes, only to realize that you get at most about 30 for a popular ship and good idea sometimes and can’t figure out why. one day you may feel fabulous about your fic you worked hard on and love what youve done with it, only to see no one else cared. i’ve seen so many friends in pain from this, and i know that pity reblogs and reviews from me are only going to solve a problem in the moment and not in the long run.

you gotta be your own number one fan, realize who youre writing for and why youre writing. and alternatively if you write something for just a remote group of friends or even just one person as a gift, then please realize that their response and reaction will mean more to you than hundreds of others who simply stumbled upon it. ok?

21. Do you plot out your stories, or do you just figure it out as you go?

i plot the skeleton most of the time, but then let the writing dictate where it’s going to go next. yeah you heard it here folks, my plot writes itself, because that’s how you get a realistic and non forced narrative

22. Have you ever gotten a bad comment on a story? If so, what did you do?

wow have y’all ever read that shit fic from 2015 that people took way too seriously? but that’s really it, im truly lucky

23. Is there a certain type of scene that you have a hard time writing? (action, smut, etc..)

A C T I O N

24. What story(s) are you working on now?

this is a call out post and i don’t like this.

25. Do you plan your next project(s) before you finish your current ongoing story(s)?

number twenty four and number twenty five are conspiring against me and i feel attacked

26. Do you have a daily writing goal set for yourself?

Absolutely not because I either do 8K in a night or 10 words in a month and there’s zero ground inbetween

27. Do you think you’ve improved as a writer since you first started?

both yes and no because i’m extremely lucky to have been able to have a great running start in 2015, but i think i plateaued as an author in terms of quality

28. What is your favorite story(s) that you’ve written?

Fleeting is still by far my favorite story because not only is @captainpomelo a great person to work with but also i still think about it to this day, my goal for 2018 is to finish it

29. What is your least favorite story(s) that you’ve written?

shit.fic.of.2015.

30. Where do you see yourself (as a writer) in 5 years?

like, better, hopefully

31. What is the easiest thing about writing?

lyrical writing esp when it’s 3 am and im listening to “i will survive” on repeat

32. What is the hardest thing about writing?

not writing passive voice

33. Why do you write?

it looked fun, and boy was i wrong. it’s suffering.

Lemme get those tags in shout out to everyone previously tagged plus @lucyrne @sabraeal @ilarual @sahdah @fullmetalgrigori

#about me #tagged #long post #nessingaround

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barpurplewrites · 6 years

Text

Not a Normal Christmas

Chapter 1 of a Rumbelled Die Hard. Yup, apparently I am crazy, but hey you all knew that right?

Rated G at the moment, but that will go up pretty quick if I continue this.

-oxo-

“Ladies and gentleman, welcome to New York. I hope you all packed a warm Christmas jumper, because it’s a winter wonderland out there. Thank you for flying with us, and have a happy holiday.”

Belle’s grip on the arm rests had turned her knuckles white. She blew out a shaky breath and relaxed a little now she was back on solid ground. The guy in the seat next to her peered across at her with a concerned look.

“Nervous flyer?”

He’d been a pleasant seatmate, after a polite hello, he’d left her alone. A vast improvement on the man on the flight out to California, who had demanded her attention the whole time, and insulted the book she’d been reading.

Belle chuckled; “What gave it away?”

He glanced at the armrest that bore a shiny trace of how clammy her palms had been with a shrug.

“I’ll give you a tip, when you get where you are going, take your socks and shoes off and make fists with your toes in the carpet.”

He smiled at her disbelieving look; “I know it sounds crazy, but I’ve been flying for ten years and that’s the best thing I found to get rid of flying stress.”

It was perhaps the oddest flying tip she’d ever been given, but sounded harmless enough, unlike Cara’s suggestion of a Valium and a double G and T. Belle fallen asleep in the departures lounge and missed her flight after trying that one. She gave the man a thumbs-up and said; “I’ll try it, thanks.”

She wrestled the giant plush dragon from the overhead compartment and almost bumped into the redhead flight attendant who had been flirting gently during the flight. She smiled back at the woman, and joined the shuffling mass of passengers disembarking the plane.

-x-x-x-

Gold doubled checked the figures as he strolled down the corridor to his office, everything was looking good. Excalibur Industries would finish the calendar year on target, financially at least. Two workmen dodge past him with muttered apologies. Gold shook his head; Saint Michael’s Tower had been dubbed Camelot by the staff and the name had been taken up by most of the city. Not a bad play on the name of their CEO, Merlin Glendower, and perfectly in keeping with the thematic names of Arthurian legends that the company favoured for projects. Whatever it was called the building was set to be a shining showcase of sustainable energy and ethical building techniques; if they ever got the damn thing finished.

“Gold!”

Gold cringed internally, he couldn’t stand Zelena Greene, but his dislike didn’t stop the woman flirting with him every chance she got, she seamed to think that his wedding ring was just a fashion accessory.

“Zelena.”

She fell into step with him, far to close for his comfort, and smiled; “Have dinner with me tonight?”

He cocked his head at her and frowned; “It’s Christmas Eve. Time to be spent with family, watching Muppets Christmas Carol and the Snowman, hanging stockings and wrapping last minute presents. Any of this sound familiar?”

They had reached the door of his office now and Zelena leaned against the doorframe and batted her eyelashes at him; “I was thinking more along the lines of mulled wine, fine food and perhaps,” – she ran a finger over his tie, - “You could hang my stockings at the end of your bed.”

Gold plucked his tie from her fingers and said firmly; “Go and enjoy the party Zelena.”

He waited until she’d moved away down the hallway and shuddered slightly, before taking a breath and strolling into his office. He gave an affected groan at the sight of his assistant, Ashley, who was still hard at work.

“Go and join the party Ashley, you’re making me feel like Scrooge.”

“Just finished Mr Gold. Think the baby will let me eat some shrimp?”

She heaved herself out of her chair and rubbed a hand over the pregnant curve of her belly. Ashley was seven months along and was carrying twins.

“I reckon if the troublesome twosome can make you crave snickerdoodles and marmite, they can cope with some shrimp.”

Ashley chuckled at him and headed out to the party in the Arboretum. Watching her waddling gait triggered a memory of Belle when she’d been at this stage of her pregnancy with Gideon. He sat down at his desk and looked at the wallpaper on is cell; a photo of the three of them last year on a picnic in the park, before Belle had received the offer to go work at Berkeley, and before he had buggered up massively. Christmas morning would dawn and hopefully a new chapter in their lives. He sighed and punched the contact for home.

“Hello Papa!”

The excited voice at the other end of the phone brought a wine smile to his face.

“Hello Gid, how did you know it was me?”

“I am six and a half, Papa. I can read the caller id, y’know.”

“Of course. Are you being good for Grandpa?”

“Yup. We’ve been building a massive castle out of Lego. Papa? Is Mama coming home with you?”

Gold wanted to say of course, but he’d not heard from Belle yet and didn’t want to promise something he couldn’t deliver.

“Santa and I will see what we can do Gid. Can I talk to Grandpa?”

“Okay, see you later Papa!”

There was a pause and then Belle’s father came on the line; “Evening Gold, before you ask, Belle phone before she got on her flight. Said her phone battery was almost flat and she’s forgotten her charger.”

Gold relaxed for the first time in hours, Belle was coming home for Christmas; “Okay, thanks Moe. We’ll be home in a few hours.”

-x-x-x-

In the arrivals hall Belle dodged past the happy reunions. There had been a time when Rum would have been here waiting for her with Gid to welcome her as enthusiastically, but their marriage had strained to breaking point when she was offered the job at Berkeley. For the past six months they’d been in a holding pattern, not daring to deal with their problems for fear of destroying the tentative balance they had found. She hoped they could keep that truce over Christmas for Gid’s sake, but at some point, they were going to have to talk about their future, and that was bound to cause fireworks.

She missed a step and did a double take at a sign held by one of the waiting drivers. Dr Belle Gold. It suddenly hit her that she’d not seen her married name written down like that for six months, at Berkeley she was Dr Belle French. She chewed on her bottom lip, that she’d gone back to using her maiden name for work had been one of the arguments her and Rum had had before she left; he’d accused her of taking the first step out of their marriage, she’d accused him of being possessive. It had been ugly, the only saving grace had been that Gideon was at school when they had yelled at each other.

She walked over to the driver; “I’m Belle Gold.”

He gave her a wide smile; “Good evening. I’m Jefferson, your limo driver.”

His smile faltered a little and Belle got the distinct impression that he was new at this.

“Well, this is my first time in a limo, so what do we do now?”

Jefferson laughed; “This is my first time driving one, so I guess we’ll muddle through together. Shall we?”

He made a flourishing gesture towards the exit and Belle couldn’t help, but chuckle.

-o-o-o-

The dark-haired man checked the bags once more and gave a curt nod.

“Time to move out.”

Only one member of the crew gathered around him didn’t hop to and jump into the truck. He stood wringing his hat in his hands. The dark-haired man rolled his eyes and huffed a frustrated sigh.

“Problem?”

“We’ve never done anything this big before.”

He jumped as a hearty arm landed across his shoulder, and he was subjected to a wide smile.

“We have done heists more dangerous than this. I know we can handle a few drunken businessmen and their pretty secretaries. Buck up Smee. By Boxing day we’ll be filthy rich, drink rum on a beach in the Caribbean.”

Greed gleamed in Smee’s eyes, eclipsing the fear. He grinned widely and hurried to the truck. Killian Jones followed Smee and swung himself up into the front seat.

“Gentleman, let’s pay a visit to Camelot.”

#rumbelle fic #die hard verse

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mandibierly · 7 years

Text

Danny McBride breaks down that wild 'Vice Principals' ending

Danny McBride in the series finale of ‘Vice Principals’ (Photo: Fred Norris/HBO)

Spoiler alert! If you tell Danny McBride that you thought Lee Russell (Walton Goggins) really had been shot dead by Ms. Abbott (Edi Patterson) in the series finale of HBO’s Vice Principals, you’ll make him very happy.

“I just love hearing that you really bought it, ’cause that’s sort of what our goal was with this whole show,” he says of himself and fellow exec producers/directors Jody Hill and David Gordon Green. “We all felt like we were bored of just watching something and knowing where it’s going to go. We felt like, if we can just make something that people don’t see the end coming a mile away, we’ll have done what we were supposed to do here. … We’d adjust back and forth between super-dark-weird drama and dumb comedy — it just makes the audience kind of sit back on their heels. You never really know what’s going to come. So I think it’s kind of funny to think that when you get into that, you really do think, ‘Wow, they can kill Lee Russell ’cause they don’t give a f**k.’ We did give a s**t, but we’re just pretending that we don’t.”

Lee had figured out that it was jilted Ms. Abbott who’d shot McBride’s Neal Gamby in the Season 1 finale, and then, jealous of Gamby’s relationship with Russell, tried to frame Lee for the attempted murder by planting evidence in his car in Season 2’s Spring Break episode.

“Lee’s flaw is that he’s a compulsive liar. It made more sense to us that that would be ultimately what would come to damage him. That his reputation is so severe, being accused of this and no one believing him [when he insists he didn’t shoot Gamby] — that’d almost be a greater way to have him have to explore himself,” McBride says. “Ultimately, at the end of the day, these guys have done so much bad stuff, but I think that’s the way it is in life: justice isn’t always served for our greatest wrongs. Sometimes it’s the small slights that we don’t even think of as a wrong that come back to bite us in the ass.”

The producers had decided Abbott was the killer before they began filming the series, though they didn’t tell Patterson and the rest of the cast until they got to Season 2. “We didn’t want everybody tipping off what was going to happen in the first season,” McBride says.

He admits it was a bit of a gamble. “What was interesting with this show was we never shot a pilot. We wrote the whole series and we just started shooting, so we never had that time to just see, is everybody going to work? Are all these actors going to pan out? Which I think is what most people use the pilot for — to test-drive the concept of the show,” he says. “But with Edi Patterson, I mean she was just so funny from the very first day that she showed up on set. She just made us so excited to see where her character was going to go. So we didn’t sway from her being the culprit. I think she’s one of the funniest people I’ve ever met before. I had just the absolute best time working with her. And honestly, when the show was over, I just kind of looked at her and was like, ‘Me and you have to do something else together again.’ So, we locked up, Edi and myself, and wrote this script together that’s a vehicle for her that I want to direct. So hopefully after this performance of hers, someone will finance that and make that movie.”

He would also love to work again with Goggins, who became a good friend. They had so many memorable scenes together, but he points to the one in the finale after the tiger that Lee had ordered for graduation attacks him. “The one that really got me the most was when he’s, like, dying for the second time because of the tiger wounds,” McBride says. “I remember him and I both were like, ‘This is what the whole entire series is about. It’s about this scene. If we can just make people take this ride for this scene, then we will have done what we needed to do with the show.’ So much so that we were actually supposed to shoot that scene one night. Then the night had kind of gone wrong, and Walt and I were both like, ‘Let’s not do it tonight. We’re not in the mindset. Let’s push it down the road a little bit.’ So we both just kind of knew that we needed to be in the right head space for that scene, and those two guys basically just acknowledging that they helped each other move past this f**ked up part in their life.”

Lee told Gamby that this last year was his favorite year of his whole life, and that he loves him. Then, he badgered Gamby into saying that he loves him, too. “That was all pretty much in the script. We probably improv-ed the least amount of any [project] we’ve done on this. I think that’s because there were so many spinning plates,” McBride says.

Yes, when Russell changed the school’s mascot to the tigers at the beginning of Season 2, it was so they could have that ending. “We started with [the idea that] these guys are out of date. Their views are out of date, the way they see the world is out of date, and it’s unfair. So the idea that the symbol that represents them in the beginning is the Native American warrior — something that is obviously insulting to so many people, something that really was out of place and out of context, it sort of makes sense. And then the idea that Lee’s ambition turns their warrior into the tiger — that’s how ambition sort of ends up eating him at the end. That was always in the DNA of [the show].”

Plus, we got to see the brilliant moment when Gamby, the ultimate disciplinarian, stopped the tiger from attacking again with the sheer force of his anger and a “f**k you.”

“He has so much rage and anger and displaced anger, this was a place for him to finally harness it, and try to use it to protect himself,” McBride says with a laugh.

Walton Goggins in the series finale of ‘Vice Principals’ (Photo: Fred Norris/HBO)

The finale ended with a flash-forward to three months later. Gamby’s still with Ms. Snodgrass (Georgia King), who’s now a published author, but he’s now the principal of a middle school. Lee, meanwhile, is the regional manager of a boutique in the mall. Gamby and Russell see each other in the food court and smile. But when Gamby looks again, Russell is gone. Does that mean they know their friendship is too toxic for them to spend time together? “I think that both of these guys [know] the importance that each of them played in their lives in this particular moment,” McBride says, “but I also think that both of them have grown enough to know that it’s probably better for the world if they don’t join forces.”

They never questioned where Lee would end up, he adds. “What’s really so funny is, ironically, when you write something like this where you explore these characters so deeply, by the end of it, your last episodes sort of end up writing themselves. You’ve set all this stuff up, and the characters sort of tell you where they need to go,” he says. “For some reason we just thought that he would take that lust of power and move into retail. He always cared about what he wore. He always had a sense for style. And it made sense that would be how he would build his empire again.”

And what’s the take-away from Gamby laying down the law for his new vice principal (Steve Little)? “Well, I think that Gamby learned a lot from Welles [Bill Murray]. I think he learned a lot more from Dr. Brown [Kimberly Hebert Gregory],” McBride says. “He is sort of using a little bit of her tactics of being open, but at the end of the day, letting people know that she shouldn’t be f**ked with.”

Maya Love and Danny McBride in the series finale of ‘Vice Principals’ (Photo: Fred Norris/HBO)

It’s a bittersweet fate for Gamby, for sure. “Weirdly, it’s one of the things that I find the most heartbreaking, when Gamby pulls up to that principal sign at a different school, because at the end of the day you know that North Jackson, and being there when his daughter was going to be there, is kind of all he ever wanted,” McBride says. “So I really look at that ending like he’s an exiled king that got booted out of his homeland. But the idea that Steve Little, who played Stevie Janowski on Eastbound, is there — [we’re] literally leaving the audience thinking that maybe all of the fun isn’t over just yet for him.”

Still, striking the right tone in the finale had to be tricky: we all know the criminal acts Russell and Gamby committed, and yet, we’ve grown to root for them. “We really set out to tell the story of the villain. In doing so, we didn’t even really want to totally redeem them, because I think true villains don’t just change overnight or become different people. So I think that there was a balance between how much justice do these guys deserve, and how much of it is just really like we’re showing this character piece?” McBride says. “Like with Tony Soprano in The Sopranos, you don’t necessarily have to see him get arrested or get killed for that to be a complete story. I think that’s sort of what we’re doing here. Do I think that being the principal of the middle school is a punishment enough for burning someone’s house down? Definitely not. But I think that in this world, it’s like we don’t really even know if this is all that’s going to happen to these guys. This is definitely a show about vice principals fighting for a job. When both of those guys are out of the running for that job, the story is sort of over, and the audience is kind of left to fill in the blanks of what happens next.”

The show was conceived as a limited series, but especially now that we’ve gotten to know the teachers so well in Season 2, maybe we could at least get a reunion special on the DVD? “I had probably the best time of my career working on the show and meeting these friends, and I love them — every one of them from Kimberly to Walton to Edi, Georgia, they’re all just incredible. I would love to work with all these guys again, and if it was in this world, if it was the right idea, I’d do it again,” McBride says. “But I think that part of what makes the story work is the idea that it isn’t designed to go on forever. We were really able to show character growth and flip the story on its ass because we didn’t have the restraints of having to make sure we maintained a formula that would be workable year after year after year. I think that’s what ultimately made the show interesting.”

As a viewer, it was satisfying to see how Gamby’s moments with the “workers” (DeShawn!), “bad kids” (yay, Robin Shandrell!), and “gold-star teachers” all built to them joining forces in the penultimate episode after Gamby and Russell’s epic brawl through the school. (McBride directed that fight in less than a day, by the way: “I just had to get creative and figure out how to shoot this in a way where I didn’t need to get in there and cover every single punch and kick,” he says. “So I was just walking around the set and came up with an idea for that tracking shot, and I just started to devise the whole fight that way — seeing these guys with the background, with the school, which is the other character of the show.”)

What was the most satisfying part for McBride in the end? “We took a year to write the whole series, and I swear to god I never had an anxiety attack ever in my life until about a week before we went down to shoot. I just woke up in the middle of the night, panicked in a straight-up anxiety attack, just because of the sheer amount of time we spent writing on this, then knowing we were about to go shoot it,” he says. “This whole thing was an adventure, and to be able to put that much energy into something, then to at the end of the day come up with something that you’re proud of, and that you’re happy with, and that you made new friends with — I think it’s the ultimate sort of pay-off because the whole thing was ultimately rewarding. It was such a fun way to make a living.”

Since he doubts we’ll get the trademark group commentary on the Season 2 Blu-ray (he hears it’s being rush-packaged for Christmas: “Maybe one day down the road Criterion will decide to release a TV show and they’ll have us do a commentary,” he jokes), can he at least answer one burning question: What did Lee do to get kicked out of gymnastics?!

“The world will never know,” McBride says with another laugh. “I know what he did, but I will never tell anyone. I will keep Lee Russell’s secret to the grave.”

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