#help i should stop making shitposts | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jhuzen · 1 year

Text

a what? [m.reader]

this… idk what this is. it’s very indulgent so excuse the very chill grammar. my head is hammered by all the hot men in hsr. so here. yes, they won me over (jfc how could they not my god, i’ve been waiting on them for months) ☠️ so here’s a self-indulgent cat-boy alignment from some tall men in hsr. i’ve been playing since the release and i’m already just a few exps away from level 40 send help.

𖦹 nsfw/suggestive contents, hcs ig, i use the speculative name for the trailblazer hehe, top reader :’D, this is basically a shitpost but also not LMAO.

GEPARD LANDAU — official dogboy, a lapdog too if you will

is this even a question at this point?

he’s your little pup (maybe not so little), and he radiates that golden retriever vibes. he’s a little more serious than that, sure, but rest assured, he’s always on you when you need him and he’s not particularly swamped with his guard duties as the captain.

he never fails to light up every time you pass by him when he’s out on patrol. he appreciates your little visits of course, sometimes even stopping by to bring him some food when you can. but there’s always something so magical whenever he sees you around the city, just minding your own business, not really aware that he can see you from his post.

and there’s just a spike of serotonin in gepard’s brain every time he ‘bumps’ into you in one of your personal excursions, romancing you with such subtlety (it’s really not much subtle, everyone and their mother in belobog knows you and him are together).

he thinks he’s so slick, trying to smooth talk you, when really, the tips of his ears are bright red, while you, completely unfazed only tried to hold in a laughter. what a trooper your boyfriend truly is!

serval thinks she should be getting second hand embarrassment from her brother’s actions towards you, but you both just looked so sweet that she just had to enjoy the view of you humoring her stiff as hell brother. he’s way too serious on the field (rightfully so), but it was all the more endearing to see a bit of that innocent glee that gepard somehow manages to manifest with you around.

he’s your good dogboy bro, always ready to serve you. though that doesn’t mean he doesn’t appreciate getting spoiled. your massages, especially your back rubs, are the highlight of his day after a grueling training — after his nice hot shower, with you guiding him all the way to your shared bedroom to give him a nice massage, it’s absolute bliss for him.

the cute sighs and the way his face becomes scrunched up as you worked the knots away from his muscles was adorable.

and if… the mood provides it, often times it leads to something a little bit more intimate than your wholesome little act of service.

gepard is a babygirl through and through man. he takes everything that you give him like a champ — extremely cooperative and will do anything as you say. maybe it’s because he likes being ordered around for once, maybe it’s because he finds it incredibly attractive to see you take charge… it could go either way and it drives him nuts.

he’s very loud, so you will be entertained at the plethora of ways gepard has to come up with just so he can’t be heard by the other neighbors while you completely wreck him.

handle with care after, please, he has to go to work the next day! we can’t have the famed captain of the silvermane guards limping around >:((

𐂂

SAMPO KOSKI — absolute mid with the way he’s a dog for seeking attention and a cat for being such a little bitch

congrats! you have a weird man for a boyfriend. the man that roams the streets of belobog be it in the underworld or overworld.

you vaguely recall the first time you and him met was when he was trying to persuade an overworld citizen in buying something, and you, as shameless as you are, moved towards him and squeezed the skin of his exposed waist, making the poor man yelp.

you gave him one questionable look before slut-shaming him with that getup, but not before buying your much needed supplies and leaving a sack of belobog currency.

admittedly, your relationship with sampo began as a transactional one. you buy stuff from him and he rewards you with a relatively risqué entertainment that your old folks would certainly faint from if they knew in the first place. but, as it turns out, even such a peculiar relationship can grow an oasis of genuine fondness for each other.

your dates before were just you and him meeting up in his place, hanging out, and then both of you just go on your separate ways. nowadays, it’s him that comes inside your house, incredibly woeful and in need of your attention and you oblige him regardless of how whiny he is.

oh, right, yes. sampo is whiny, have you seen him around his comrades? the man has the ‘woe is me’ attitude every now and then, and more often than not, you instigate that form of reaction whenever you tease him with a grin on your face.

there’s reasonable (or so i hope) amount of you calling out his outfit and why he feels the need to expose his waist only. sampo said it’s to attract customers like you, and you gotta hand the win on him on that one. though, it was becoming far more evident that you no longer see him as just an entertainment value and you as his source of income.

so. bloody. needy. it’s like he can’t live without your attention — thank the stars that the ban between the overworld and the underworld was lifted eventually so he can visit you more on the surface. one minute he skirts out of your home after some good fucking and then the next, he crawls back to you pathetically like a kicked puppy.

though, that is only to say that you got sampo absolutely hooked with your touches that he feels still lingering on his skin — you had an affinity for just harassing his poor waist while you call him names. he loves it anyway.

his clinginess comes with merit though, he appreciates the skin contact and you appreciate that chest of his to lay on. absolute king. if you tell him that his tits are the only selling point of why you finally fell for him, he will sulk and just sigh all day, looking at you with such disappointment.

“so i’m just a slab of meat to you, huh?” — sampo koski, xxxx

“pretty sure what’s in here are fats.” — you, nuzzling your face in his chest, xxxx

honestly, dating sampo feels like a one night stand, considering that he’s willing to limp away from your home in the crack of dawn, but it also feels just as endearing when he seeks you out or if you do the seeking, you could see how genuinely delighted sampo is to have you near him.

𐂂

JING YUAN — certified cat boy that’s just too good at fucking [with] you

mercilessly sly and an absolute mastermind, jing yuan has his fair share of mischief in the first place and you aren’t one he can spare despite having the honor of being the famed general’s partner.

you’re not so much of a fighter, you’re just a humble assistant to fu xuan (she disapproves of your poor taste in men though), but you learned to sleep with one eye open at the cost of you getting completely mauled to death by a general in need of his lover’s touch. he jumps at you with little to no warning, and you’re not certain if you should be proud of his stealth skills or just straight up be terrified lest you wake up to a succubus sucking you dry.

all that aside though, jing yuan is a passionate partner behind closed doors. he might look passive, but he’s sure to constantly be listening to your mumbling, even down to you just listing down what you need to buy for your home. he loves every part of you undoubtedly.

though, he likes to randomly charge you these fees wherein the currency is your warm hug. he could be a lot taller than you and still drape himself to your side while you hold him with one arm all the while cooking with the other.

a big, biiiiig cat, that’s for sure. and he accepts it, but on the account that you use it to tease lil ol’ him, get ready to be milked dry or at the very least, deprived of any form of affection from your cat.

he’s got a bit of an attitude too. he dreads the fact that you have a far more gentle disposition to his subordinates compared to him. you’re always so hard on him on work days, it makes him feel so lonely.

alas he has a remedy for that, particularly something you didn’t like at all.

mischief and a bored jing yuan on slow days are days you reminded yourself not to enter his office on, just to be safe and not get lured into his silly tricks. it always somehow fails, considering that he still is the general, and even though you are acting as fu xuan’s guide/assistant more than the general’s right hand man, you can’t refuse his calls because it’s still one of your responsibilities.

your cunning partner made sure to take advantage of that and cue… you writhing and breathless on his seat while he helped himself to your… offering from under the table. he promises he will be quick, but jing yuan is insatiable. for every time this happens, once or twice, a cloud knight would walk in to look for their general, and you had to talk to them without even giving away the embarrassing position you’re in.

hands down, a pillow princess if he’s not riding you to death. he’s the dozing general, but when the mood calls for it, he can take charge and just… leave you dry. so good luck with that.

cherishes the aftercare, he loves the slow intimate moments between you and him after. and if you’re a god at it, you can’t ever make him leave the bed, ever.

you once said, “oooh big stretch” when your beloved general did so one morning. that was the first and quite possibly the last time that you had him completely speechless for a good second. and that was saying a lot, considering that he always has the last word in your conversations. it became a core memory lmao.

𐂂

BLADE — another ultra catboy… except it’s the kind of cat that demands a lot from you after scratching your face

how in the many worlds did you ever pull this tormented man and his big sword? it’s concerning, really. kafka finds it amusing though that you even managed to make a space for yourself in blade’s little emo heart.

just laying it out there, you and blade babysit silver wolf and there’s no getting out of it apparently. kafka already placed you as the voice of reason when the one time she sent out only blade to look after silver wolf while you were off stalking the astral express gang, he dressed like a hobo, so much that he became extremely suspicious in sight more than he ever could dressed as just himself.

that aside, blade is probably one of the most demanding lovers you have dated (threateningly jealous at times too). no one can top him (but you ehe), he’s like a grumpy cat, literally swiping at you on the first few months before suddenly caving and asking you for almost everything.

really he just misses you, but he’s not into admitting such a fact. for the years that he’s gone through, whatever it may have been, you who did not care about who he was before was something that drew him in even more, you went at your own pace and it was no different when you became his. there was a sense of comfort that you brought to him.

so anyway, demanding partner that wants nothing but you. he’s extremely protective, which you found endearing, until you realized he will point a sword even to a little kid who so much as insults your face. not really good when you’re gathering intel when elio asks you both to do so.

dates with blade either includes the stellaron hunters because they are very fond of your relationship and are very nosy… or just you and him cooped up in your room, sleeping together, or ‘sleeping together’. not all too grand, but on missions that elio sends you both out on, you take the time to indulge your beloved and eat on different places, trying out delicacies of every particular world you visited in. blade doesn’t say much, but with the way his hand grips onto yours tightly already says a lot.

just throwing it out there, he is… quiet in bed. a grunter or a gasper, but if you really, really hit the right spot, he gives the deepest whine that leaves him shaking.

you either handle him with care or if he asks for it, go rough on him. like what was said, blade knows what he wants and will demand it from you all the same, no exceptions. and if you fail to live up to his expectations, he will move himself all the while glaring at you with so much disappointment.

he has… insane stamina, and if you can’t keep up, you better start working on that. the last thing that you want is to disappoint your vengeful boyfriend that has a lot of issues on his back. and while it’s not too bad of a sight to see your beloved imitate a sulking cat, it’s not so good when he ignores you. it’s not just about sex, if you so much as get that disappointing stare, best make it up to him and treat him like he’s your everything (as you should).

you once saw kafka and silver wolf planning out wedding destinations for you and blade at some point. you are unsure how to feel about your comrade’s deep involvement in your relationship — even more so when elio suggested the big wedding after you lot have accomplished your mission to the universe.

anyway, to say the least, your catboy is overly possessive and knows what he wants and can and will demand it from you. but even with such an overbearing personality and a terrifying look on his pretty face, you were already well versed in the blade language.

he thanks you on nights when you’re just out cold, probably tired from a mission, pressing a soft kiss on the side of your head. this man may have already considered elio’s proposal of the wedding date (jk).

𐂂

DAN HENG — third cat in a row. are all xianzhou men cats? but he’s the cat that’s quietly watching you, always listening

what do you mean he’s a [redacted for spoilers]? absolutely not. this man is a cat through and through.

the cat that silently watches you from afar while you do your own work. perhaps it’s because you always offer a sense of tranquility that dan heng found himself deeply enamored with you. you were just… so peaceful. it helped a lot, your presence soothed his deeply rooted anxieties born from his past. it’s as simple as you just shrugging and telling him, “why bother with anything else when i am alright where i am right now,” and dan heng fell hard.

you are as expressive as you can get, and can even get on the trailblazer and march’s antics. but the fact that you were mature enough to let yourself be resigned to the fate of time, that you were able to accept things as they are far better than anyone could, it was something your dearly beloved dan heng admired. in a sense, he also wanted to emulate whatever you’ve got going on.

bettering himself even more just because he loves you? goals. you changed this man and that was a sworn promise that he will never ever leave you from then on. always prowling around you, babysitting march 7th with you, reluctantly holding the trash the trailblazer rummages through with you, teaching old man welt how to use his beacon with you, etc.

that’s it, you can never pry dan heng out of your life anymore (unless you ask him to, in which case, please don’t, the man already has a lot to carry, how do you expect him to bear the weight of a broken heart from someone he thought he found happiness in?).

this catboy definitely lacks the expressiveness that you have, but just like any other stoic cat owner out there, you’ve basically read him well at that point. it’s almost as if you have the urge to make a guidebook about your boyfriend, and the aeons know that everyone in the astral express will eat it up.

he’s a little hard to coax at first to be more open in the beginning parts, but give him some time and he will be quicker to pry open than any other food that has an equally hard shell.

same thing in your more… intimate moments. give him some time to get used to things, especially if you’ve got far more experience at this sort of activity. go gentle, he loves the cradling embrace every time you ease yourself into him. he gets shy randomly out of nowhere in the middle of your little session, so do be patient.

though rest assured, he will grow bolder, eventually asking you to do all sorts of things that even you weren’t aware he knows about. he’s very eager to learn from you all the more, not just about the things that he prefers but what you also want! he’s extremely observant with your reactions, where you like to be touched.

let him take control every once in awhile, let him know that even in something as intimate as this, he can have a say. let him ride you until whenever, let him go at his own pace and he absolutely will lose his mind over that. the feeling of your arms around him, securing him in a tight hug while he drapes himself over you? dan heng will go nuts.

he’s also… very vocal. but he tries his best to keep it to a minimum lest you both let everyone in the express know what’s happening. usually though, you two only get frisky when everyone’s off the train and the only left are you, him, and dear ol’ pom-pom.

aftercares are everything to him, there’s something so touching at the fact that you are more than willing to still get up after being so spent just to make sure he’s comfortable after. you’re making this man cry, damnit! too good, too good.

never underestimate the tight grip he has on you — he’s usually the big spoon and he never hesitates to cling onto you. you’re like the safety that he finally found after running away from the things that trouble him. and every day with you is a day he always looked forward in waking up to.

𐂂

CAELUS — what the fuck is this? it’s not a dog or a cat. it’s a fucking trash panda.

ah yes, a raccoon with rabies (see: stellaron)

honestly, there’s no telling what is wrong with your boyfriend. it is… terrifying tbh. but you promised to be a supportive partner no matter how unnerving it is to see your beloved rummage through myriads of trash cans around belobog. more than once or twice, he has come up to you with a trash bag and even brought you a golden one.

you once asked what their use would be, and caelus just gave you a carefree smile while saying “we eat them to have better and stronger attacks against the enemy!” you quickly called dan heng and march to restrain him.

he texts you at the most ungodly hours. you don’t normally sleep at the same time as the other trailblazers since you took up the mantel in keeping watch of the express with pom-pom while the lot of you traversed through the heavenly galaxies of the universe. and because of that, your boyfriend just texts you until he falls asleep.

and when you are asleep in the day, before he heads out, he makes sure to tuck you in real good with a kiss for extra measure. seriously, he’s way too sweet for his own good. once or twice, you’ve caught him while you’re barely awake and he still manages to leave you flustered.

missions in different worlds means having to taste the myriad of delicacies a certain nation in a world has to offer. you both once ended up in a remote broken up island when the express made a quick stop in this one particular world that has… what do they call those again? archons? and you and caelus went ham on the dango milk (there was a distinct lack of trash cans around and everyone was safe from his addiction).

he loves you all too much, to the point where he’s attached to your hip, going wherever you go. getting all sulky when someone had your eye for a little bit longer. in that same nation in a world you stopped over, your eyes just happened to gaze a second longer at this young man with long braided blonde hair. though you were more interested in the tiny floating thing beside him, your raccoon was not able to inhale some copium and went all pouty at you.

either he ignores you, or he sends you a batch of sad pom-pom stickers in your beacon.

just wrap him in a blanket and fuck him silly, it can make him forget about the tiny things he was mad at you for. and just like dan heng, he can be very loud. so you kinda have to keep shushed up, a kiss usually does the trick however, so it shouldn’t be too hard to manage your little rowdy trailblazer.

he’s willing to take charge every now and then, he also still wants to make you feel good, after all! but he’s more of a pillow princess too, fuck him sideways and that gets him going, it makes him cry actual tears and alas, it was a blessing in your eyes to see him plead for you all the while trying to muffle his own sobs.

and after doing his head in, it is a must to spoon him after you clean him up. and maybe formulate a half-assed response when march comes knocking on your door, asking if you both fought or… let her come to an impending realization and just… make her not look at the both of you for a good week straight.

either way though, caelus is your pretty boy, always armed with witty teasing remarks and shitposts and a lot more stickers of pom-pom ready to flood your private messages with him.

10/10 -5 for the trash can obsession. ehe.

2K notes · View notes

agendabymooner · 10 months

Text

the paddock’s resident it girl ! toto w. x ofc (hearth sister!ofc)

summary: everyone’s obsessed with the cool girl of the formula one community, and it’s safe to say that her husband’s team is obsessed with her too. OR tilly wolff, the ceo of hearth automotive groups (owner of almost all of mercedes’ rival teams), returns to the paddock months after the last appearance of the wolff family in baku.

content warning: social media au, ofc in love with toto (frfr), established relationship and family, mentions of alex turner x ofc and arctic monkeys (song lyric reference), brief use of explicit language, jokes about age (beekeeping)

note: yes, it is a whole universe. and will I make a timeline/guide/navigation that will help people understand this universe better? yes. enjoy xx

masterlist

tagged mercedesamgf1

liked by lewishamilton, maxverstappen1, charles_leclerc

mercedesamgf1 it’s ok, we forgave you when you brought adelmo along :)

user1 BEE. KEEPING. AGE. 🐝

user2 if i was his wife, i’d be taking photos of him too 😭

user3 this is the closest thing that tilly and toto have to an alone time and you know what i’ll take it

georgerussell63 this really shows favouritism, tils. liked by tillywolff

tillywolff yes well this is the only chance i have to play favourites inside the paddock

charles_leclerc i agree with the beekeeping age comments 🙈

user4 LMAO CHARLES

user5 toto just took away your brownie points, congrats. now figure out how to get his blessings.

user6 what’re the chances of him getting out of the next wolff dinner party alive?

maxverstappen1 user6 pretty slim.

user6 maxverstappen1 stop making me feel delulu as is 😭 this parasocial relationship shit isn’t for me

lewishamilton you should have asked me to watch the kids instead of ogling over my boss 😉 liked by tillywolff

tillywolff and you should just keep your mouth shut 🤐

user7 i would ogle over your boss too so don’t pick on her like that 🤓

tagged tillywolff, hearthautomotivegroups

liked by mickschumacher, steviemarlz, lewishamilton

lewishamilton that’s my best friend!! liked by mercedesamgf1

mercedesamgf1 INDEED LEWIS!!!

user1 “our favourite ceo of hearth automotive groups” like it isn’t just tilly who controls the company 😭

user2 toto needs his own instagram account if he wants to continue to shitpost about our resident it girl like this

user3 whoever posted this is getting a bonus, i can feel it

user4 she’s such a milfffff ughhh

user5 right?? like you’re telling ME? that she just gave birth six months ago?

user6 my favourite part of the weekend is when tilly would show up to the paddock, dressed to the nines with her kids in tow and having to bark at the paparazzi about hounding her cubs 🫶

user7 she’s so mother and i love it

redbullracing that looks like our boss 🤨

scuderiaferrari that looks like ours too 😶

mclarenf1 no because that looks like our boss too 🫣

mercedesamgf1 no, not really. she’s our boss’ wife :)

user8 mercedes answering our wishes by posting photos of OUR WIFE? scuderiaferrari do you do requests too bc i wanna talk about your strategies…

user9 pfT HAHAHAHAHA THATS VILE

697 notes · View notes

heavens-aesthetic-kitchen · 13 days

Text

Why the TF2 Defense Trio deserve more recognition

The people have spoken, I have decided to create an essay disguised as a post on this godforsaken website because it's a free country goddammit! (I would have done it either way lmaooo, I have a lot of shit to say about these maniacs) To start this formal essay glorified very serious shitpost, why should you as a tf2 fan care about these 3 men? They're so "boring" and there's not much going on with them. If ya took a second, let's pause with what was being said. YOU MUST BE OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN MIND to think such thoughts, we must shake you out of cuckoo land by giving you an in-depth look into these three so that you understand where I'm coming from. Let's start in order:

Demoman:

After being in the fandom since 2019, there's always one character I always thought wasn't given much anything in the fandom at all. Even taking ships out of the equation, there's barely any fics I've that focus on Tavish Finneagan Degroot specifically that I've seen that isn't a compilation fic (I read a lot of x readers, don't judge me). Believe me, I checked ao3. I went through Demoman's tags and I tried very hard to filter a lot of the crossover and relationship tags, yet there's less of Demoman himself, than there's him just existing as a side character of a story. Which is honestly sad, I honestly think Demo is one of the more kinder mercs compared to a lot of the team. This man made friends with the BLU soldier, despite knowing that they were supposed to be killing each other. Sure, it's unclear whether or not Demo did actually go through with it and it's just a ruse, because the voicelines in WAR! don't have a set timeline. But I do think that Demo would have tried to keep his friendship with BLU soldier. He's very chill. I've never actually seen him get violent against his friends and family, despite being a drunkard. I honestly think he's one of the sweetest people in TF2, he takes good care of his mom and haunted sword lmaoooo. Jokes aside, he seems like a genuinely good man and I barely see anything that suggests he's sadistic. He's a chaotic and loud, but not bad. Not bad at all. The fact he can still do his job well, even after drinking so much that his body created a whole distillery, is even more impressive. He is damn good at what he does and works very hard. He's had multiple jobs, even as wee little lad. Despite what people think of him, the fact he's getting paid 5 million dollars a year, is proof he knows what he's doing. He loves his job and couldn't bear the thought of not working. I feel like his backstory isn't talked about enough in the fandom either. When you think about it, it's kinda fucked up that he was put in an orphanage by his biological parents until he was in the right age to be blowing people up. Not only that, his eye socket was haunted by the Bombinomicon so that every halloween a giant eye would manifest, attacking him and his friends. Even Medic couldn't help him and instead resorting to scooping the part of Demo's brain where he remembered so he would stop asking. He most likely has a lot of stories for you, I see him as the type that has a lot to say. His past is the most fleshed out and complete out of all the mercs, which I really appreciate, you can do a lot more with him. Also another thing, during Unhappy Returns, he took the time to reassure Soldier that he wouldn't think he's a civilian. He didn't brush Soldier's worries aside and instead comforted him. I wish I had a lot more to say about Demo because I am baffled that he isn't being gushed about as a potential partner. He has the excitement and like zero baggage. A thing I also wanna point out is that he seems to be insecure of the fact he's a black scottish man with only one eye during Meet The Demoman. I may be reading into things a bit too much, but it makes me wanna be like "NOOOO don't talk about yourself like that, bro. You're so cute UGHHH" Also also he's handsome. Sure looks can be subjective, but I still think Demo has a face I would kiss hehe. He looks great with his beard and his cheeky ass smile. GOD I could gush about him all day, but I have to move on rip.

Heavy:

Honestly, I'm having a hard time just finding the words to describe this amazing man without giving him the respect he deserves. But I'll sure try. Heavy has had a difficult life and I've always admired how strong he was. Not just of his muscles, but he endured one of the toughest situations and still kept moving forward with his life even though it was traumatizing. You see why I'm even having a hard time talking about him? I can't really get down into the weeds, without getting serious for a min. I feel like the fandom doesn't give him much credit for being able to deal with so much. He's the rock for his family after his father disappeared (atp I think he's dead, which is the cherry on top this depressing sundae) and I wouldn't doubt that he would be the same for his team. He's a man of few words, but that makes him all the more intriguing. Just because this man has a lot of brawn does not mean he's dumb at all. Despite how he acts in the battlefield, Heavy is observant and clever. Although, it's implied that Spy being Scout's dad is an open secret between the mercs and Miss Pauling, the fact he figured it out without saying it directly must mean he has a lot more going on. He's also educated, getting a phD in Russian Literature. It's not a STEM program, but he actually got a doctorate and went to college, that's a lot more than half of what the mercs did lmaooo. Also he has a bit of a softie side, not just for his mom and sisters, but also other creatures as well. I respect him so much for avoiding violence against those dogs during the Showdown comic. Not only shows what an absolute sweetheart he is, but also how much he's able to think quickly on his feet. Heavy is very direct and blunt, I don't see him as the type to lie about his feelings. I appreciate that he doesn't feel the need to sugarcoat anything, he'll get the job done and he ain't playing. There's no fluff, he knows what he wants and that's to rev up Sasha and ram through sons of bitches without any worries.

I feel like I wanna point out, his story seems the most unexplored in the fandom, even though it has a lot of potential for ANGST factor. I already broke down how sad it is, but I just feel like it isn't said enough. Can I just say how cuddly he looks?! GAH, I feel like he would give the warmest hugs! The way he smiled in Unhappy Returns when he finds out his family doesn't need to live in fear anymore, just melts my heart! He's so protective over his family and friends! I wish I had a lot more to say about this guy because I just can't stop finding more things about him that go unappreciated. I had to literally edit this part so many times before moving on, he just has those little details you don't notice until you take a second and have that OH MY GOD moment

Engineer:

I was getting so hyped, when it was finally our resident southern nerd's time to shine. GOD I have so much to say about this man. It's been over 5 fucking years and I have never stopped simping for this man since 2019, I think I'm gonna go insane from how much I've been repressing, I go feral when he's around. Anyways enough stalling. I don't ever think a fictional character has ever made me swoon quite like Engineer, I really mean that. I have ask and pleaded to whatever god was listening to give me a man like Engie. To me, he is everything I ever wanted and more.

First, I wanna talk about what makes him attractive to me. His accent. His southern charm, UGH he's killing me with that smooth voice and chivalry! I swear this man could make me faint just from existing. The way he smiles is so warm, his insults are so corny I love them. That five o clock shadow GAHH! I'm getting butterflies all over again. I swear I love all three of the defense bois, but Dell Conagher has my heart wrapped around his gunslinger metal finger. All those personal reasons aside, I've always thought Dell Conagher was a very interesting character in the world of TF2. He might not have much screen time or goofy shenanigans like the other mercs, but that doesn't mean you can ignore him oh no no no. This man is important within the whole story of Mann Co and TF industries, his grandfather being the catalyst of the game's events and the comics going forward. The Conaghers are the SOLE REASON why Team Fortress 2's story exists. I find it strange that the fandom hasn't done much with this fact because you can do a lot with this idea. Engineer knows a lot of shit and would be the biggest threat to Helen, if not for the fact that his family has been helping her for years.

Like his backstory, he's not seen much in the battlefield, but he has a lot more going on behind the scenes. Imagine the possibilities. He is damn intelligent and he knows it. While Dell is very sweet and has a southern charm, this is a facade to hide his God complex and sadistic tendencies. If you think this man is just your boring gentle engineer, you've got a big storm coming. It's heavily implied that he sawed off his own arm so that he could use the gunslinger. This man works on projects with Medic and doesn't question the moral implications of putting a human brain in a pumpkin. Hell, he threatened his own employer, even if he was an old man (Granted, Blutarch dug up his grandpa's grave, so he probably should have gotten something a lot worse than just Dell telling him to fuck off). Engineer is more than the texan egghead sweetie pie, he is a mercenary for a reason and I would argue that he might be as insane, if not more than, the rest of the team. No sane man would willingly work with a bunch of war criminals if he wasn't also crazy. That's the thing I really like about him. I love playing as him in the game because it represents his character very well. He technically serves a supportive role to the team with his buildings, but he is a killer with a lot of tools in his disposal, With the right amount of training, he can absolutely dominate in the battlefield.

I feel like he's one of the people that underestimate and assume that he's an easy target, but he's a lot more than that. He has a lot of layers that makes me want to learn more about him and what he has to offer.

In Conclusion:

These guys are cool. Lmaooo okay I won't just end it there. I genuinely believe that they're not getting the recognition that they deserve, they've got a lot more going for them if you pay attention. Sure they might not always be the loudest or most prominant character in the story, but what they lack in quantity, they make up for in quality TEN FOLD. They don't have to be your favourite, but you should at least give them a chance. You never know, they may surprise you.

Okay so thats enough of that, I couldn't find a divider above this message, so you're getting this grainy ass gif. Honestly, I put way too much effort on this shitpost lmaooo, but I just wanted to get my thoughts out in a more concise manner. If you want to add more stuff about these three that I didn't mention, feel free to do so. Anyways thanks for reading

#tf2 #team fortress 2 #tf2 demoman #tf2 engineer #tf2 heavy #tf2 engie #tf2 demo #tf2 mikhail #tf2 defense #i spent way too long on this post than I should have bruh #enjoy the ramblings of a thirsty idiot #defense nation rise up

133 notes · View notes

cacodaemonia · 10 months

Text

As we're all very aware, we live in a time when open hatred of many marginalized groups has been growing. And as many others have said, it's super fucking important that we stop fighting amongst ourselves over relatively minor issues when there are people who quite literally wants us dead, or at the very least, silent and subservient.

Punching down and sideways to attack the people who are 99% on our side might make us feel superior for a little while, but it's important to ask ourselves if attacking other marginalized people helps anyone.

With that in mind, I wanted to remind all of us that language, culture, and iconography all change over time, and not everyone keeps up with those changes at the same speed.

As an obvious example, 'they' is now a much more commonly used singular pronoun than it used to be. It's meaning has expanded and changed subtly.

Another example is the comedy genre in general: movies and TV shows from even a few years ago relied on humor that many of us now see as tasteless at best and dehumanizingly cruel at worst.

Then you have things like reclaimed slurs. For some of them, their meanings have changed multiple times.

We've also got all of the microlabels among queer folks, which are rapidly multiplying and evolving. Many of them didn't exist 2 or 5 or 10 years ago, but now they might be the most central part of someone's personality.

Pepe the frog is an example of an image whose meaning has radically shifted in a short period of time. What was originally a harmless cartoon was appropriated by the US alt-right movement and is now considered a hate symbol (though the ADL acknowledges that 'the majority of uses of Pepe the Frog have been, and continue to be, non-bigoted').

On the opposite end of the spectrum, you have characters like Mickey Mouse and Felix the Cat, who were designed to be minstrels. Now, of course, almost no one associates Mickey Mouse with blackface or racism.

Those are just a handful of examples involving the English language and the internet's largely American-centric culture, but there are obviously many, many more. All of this is difficult enough for native English speakers to keep up with, but we should also bear in mind that, for many folks, English isn't their native language.

I've seen awful harassment by queer people against another queer person just because her English wasn't perfect and she used a term that, at that time, wasn't considered the correct one by the people who attacked her.

We should also keep in mind people who have other language or cognitive difficulties (I'm honestly not sure how to phrase this, so please don't assume I'm being derogatory or cruel—I am one of those people).

Even for those of us with the best of intentions, all of this can make online interactions feel like navigating a minefield because many people exclusively engage in paranoid reading of everything from novels to shitposts.

I think all of us would be better served if we stepped back for a moment to consider questions like, "Does this person have malicious intentions?" and "Is this something that causes real harm to real people or does it just bother me, personally?" and "Will calling this person out or shaming them help anyone?"

A lot of us are on the same side, and we might have slightly different beliefs, but we don't need to be enemies. Wasting our outrage on each other is exactly what our real enemies want.

#take a deep breath #and remember that not everyone is out to get you #you are not the prince with a thousand enemies #(ya like my watership down reference eh?)#marginalized groups #these groups aren't monoliths either - your way is not the only correct way just as mine is not the only correct way #a lot of us are on the same side #let's act like it #general human wank #racism #alt-right #queer stuff #paranoid reading #reparative reading #not sure how else to tag this #long post #internet culture #outrage culture

156 notes · View notes

wisp-enclosure · 7 months

Text

I've realized that the catrats have gone through a few changes plus I have some new followers so, just so I can hear myself talk have everything in one convenient place:

Who are the catrats?

^These guys. Okay thanks for reading bye.

Lucasta and Kudo are the eponymous catmander and ratmander for which this shitpost blog is named. And I [shakes them very aggressively].

Lucasta (Lu for short) is a Flame Legion charr that escaped when she was a cub and then raised by Professor Gorr in Rata Sum. She's easily excitable, has no attention span to speak of, and is your new best friend. She's a highly skilled artificer, in part due to her weird fucky-wucky magic, and uses those skills to make just...the funkiest runes and enchantments possible. Seeing as she's a giant cat and therefore does not super fit in with the tiny rats she's surrounded by, she tends to use a tonic to blend in with the rest of Rata Sum.

Kudo is (unfortunately for him) Kudu's son and (in catrat canon because it's funny and I'd do anything for the bit) Snaff's grandson. Any other Asura would never shut up if they had that pedigree, but Kudo is made of 90% anxiety and just sort of sees it as a burden. He's the bearer of two conflicting legacies and he doesn't seem to be able to live up to either of them. As a teenager his father forced him into the Inquest, where he tinkered with dragon energy and tried really REALLY hard to block the screams out.

Longtime catrat fans will know that Lu is perhaps one of the most emotionally repressed creatures to ever grace Tyria. Outwardly she is chipper and optimistic, but inside she's a complex tangle of emotions that she would rather die than acknowledge. Lu was born to serve. To be useful. And being emotionally vulnerable, putting that burden on someone else, is unthinkable. She's totally cool and fine don't worry about it. Are YOU okay?? That's all she cares about.

But great news! Kudo has his own fun emotional baggage! His years in the Inquest and subsequent hand in the suffering his father's experiments caused have majorly fucked with him. Kudo thinks he's irredeemable. He's got years of blood on his hands. That he's only 17 when the personal story starts, and that he was largely unaware of the atrocities his father was commiting are irrelevant. He was there. He should have known. His past haunts him, taints everything he does. Is he doing the right thing for the sake of it, or for attornment? Does he even deserve that?

The newest catrat lore updates!! Now they BOTH have identity issues!! Neither of those bitches know who they REALLY are! Lu only sees herself in terms of how "useful" she can be (an inherently impossible standard to attempt to reach). Kudo doggedly tries to follow his grandfather's legacy because Snaff was a good person and worth emulating (at the expense of his own wants and talents). Becoming commanders at such a young age is both a blessing and a curse: they've been given an identity, but it makes it difficult to forge their own.

They don't know who they are. Maybe they're no one outside of being the commanders. But when they're together, they each start to feel like someone.

Tiny rat hand in giant cat pawb, they begin to help each other figure out who they are.

(and it's all very cool and super platonic!)

New catrat lore 2!! Kudo and Lu have known each other for years before the personal story, as academic rivals (with Lu tonic'd into an asura). It's...shockingly healthy for them. Suddenly they have someone they can be themselves around (even if they're constantly trying to one up each other, that's Rata Sum babey!) They weren't friends but there was a sort of unspoken understanding between them. Once again, rat stuff. This rivalry never stops by the way, if either of them thinks they can get a scholarly one up on the other you can bet your ass they're going for it.

#the catrats #um. ta da?

66 notes · View notes

vermillioncrown · 9 months

Text

an actual AU snippet: a number of different selves

bc @rozaceous and i keep teehee-ing about 'folie a deux' and aaaaall the au's we have for our dc-siocs

money where the mouth is: bonus snippet + concept for followers

(it'll prob just be like my longer mdzs au's with one written part and the rest is just back and forth)

impetus: roz and i saw a shitpost where someone laughed at "bruce wayne x reader divorce" and said "he's already going through it and people are really inserting themselves in the narrative just to divorce him lmao"

which we then joked "damn we'd be set. he could have whatever mistress he wants as long as we could have financial support and leave us alone. we'll play his trophy wife"

and then we both realized that there would be things we couldn't let go if we ever caught wind of it. like it would drive us insane to abide by it. and thus...a version of our si's w bruce (yeah you heard me, both of us)

so here's a thing, bonus only for tumblr🙂

“I put you two in that meeting to clear up any hard feelings,” Lucius stares dead-on at his screen. He tries very hard not to pinch the bridge of his nose—composure needs to be maintained. “It can’t have gone that poorly.”

“Time is a finite resource for us lowly mortals and I’m not getting that hour back,” Vivienne grits out. “A fucking PA—where does he get off on his high horse? I hope he explodes.”

What?

“—know how many people work here, Lucius? Let alone just my division? And you’re wasting everyone’s time with each dead-on-arrival concept that gets shuffled into our portfolio and then ‘mysteriously’ yanked when it’s just good enough to Frankenstein into whatever high school science project that’s hiding in some Gotham sewer tunnel.” Her tirade is caustic and not hidden behind the typical red lipstick smiles. “Morale is dipping. There’s only so much you can pay to keep mouths shut and stop turnover.”

Vivienne makes very good points—the fact she has the acumen even three years ago was why WanyeTech moved to fund her PhD and fast-tracked her as a technical director upon entering the workforce. She caught on very quickly—too quickly—that there were private uses of certain advanced concepts within R&D, and she cared. Fortunately for WayneTech, her diligence meant increase in efficiency for the company; they’ve won several bids that have extended their reach into two new industries.

(Fortunately, WayneTech is privately held and not subject to public shareholder scrutiny.)

Unfortunately for the Batman, it meant additional roadblocks for his tools and supplies. It was by God’s grace, or something, that Vivienne didn’t decide to either blackmail them or whistle-blow. What she argued for was more oversight and appropriate man-hours and billing for certain projects that went towards a ‘private use case.’ The willingness to help (out of logistical fury) took a load off Lucius’s shoulders, but it put two new headaches in his skull: one next to each ear every time Vivienne or Bruce complained about each other peripherally.

“Does His Dark Grace think he’s not subject to g-forces?”

“Lucius. I asked for four different configurations. It should be able to fit.”

“Love his idealism—of course we have the manufacturing tolerances of an ant colony!”

“This is over-redundant and unnecessary. It gets in the way of visibility. I need a design change by two weeks.”

...and so on, so forth. So Lucius decided to cut himself out as the middleman and make the two talk to each other. A direct stakeholder meeting to capture requirements and fulfill proposals, so to speak in company terms. As both Bruce’s long-standing friend and Vivienne’s superior for her tenure at the company, he’s in the unique position to see the similarities in their personalities and (perhaps foolishly) believed they would get along after candid discussion.

And somehow, it all went to hell in a hand basket. That’s probably on Lucius for forgetting that adults were equally susceptible to playground scrapping as his six-year-old son. Thankfully, there’s less physical dirt involved or impromptu weapons, even if Vivienne looks ready to rip her stiletto heels off to use as a real stiletto.

“Vi, what do you need me to give?” Lucius straightens and prepares to negotiate. The greatest vulnerability of adding good talent is having more people in the know. Loose ends. It’d be a blow to lose Vivienne, but as long as she doesn’t talk—

“He’s lucky he’s a net good,” she snarls, now pacing in front of his desk. “He’s fucking lucky city statistics are on his side.”

“Vivienne.”

She stops mid-rant. “What.”

“Are you terminating our agreement?”

Vivienne takes a few calming breaths before rearranging her stance into something more office-appropriate rather than riled up before taking part in an illicit cage match. “No, Chief Fox. I am not,” she answers with a placid smile, tone light and even.

“Then, what would make your life easier?” Lucius does understand that she’s doing them a huge favor at an equally huge cost from herself. There’s a lot of duties that are more effort and well-beyond what someone her pay grade should need to touch; the delicate situation requires her to be equal parts every role for end-to-end conceptual design to manufacturing.

When Lucius scouted Vivienne Yang from her undergrad in Gotham University, it was by chance—there were technical managers scouting and giving PR for various capstone projects, and he decided to tag along. There, as he was browsing various posters, is where he found her. The work done by her team wasn’t novel (just par for the course with undergraduate engineers), but it was the polish that caught his eye. A methodical approach to answering the prompts given by the capstone courses, justified scope, and structured analysis and design choices that made her team’s final concept (proposed electric car design) stand out. Their value proposition considered necessary support infrastructure and manufacturing as part of their considerations.

He called them ‘her team’ because it was clear that, despite being barely 5’6” with pointed choice of footwear and surrounded by young men over a head taller with the typical engineers’ mannerisms to boot, she called the shots. Oh, of course, her teammates contributed to the questions he asked (”Andy,” young-Vivienne barked, and Team Member Andy jumped in to answer about the drivetrain sizing), but she was the systems integrator.

This was the type of skill that took years to build—usually, years of practical experience on the job—and she had it as intuition. And when Lucius corrected certain assumptions on their design, she didn't take it personally but was instead able to promptly speculate how that would shift their design point.

Thus, he put out an immediate sponsorship for her to grab an advanced degree (or two), school of her choice, research topic to be approved by whatever technical manager in WayneTech that acted as her liaison, and would jump into a stable job with a salary and employee benefits other grad students could only dream of.

Landing something as prestigious as Director of Advanced Concepts, slated for Chief Technology Officer by her 30s, in a Fortune 500 company? Barring the fact that the work was based in Gotham, crime capital of the United States, it would be something like pure fantasy to any aspiring engineer.

She took the sponsorship offer, and Lucius learns over the years that she financially supports her family living out-of-state and genuinely enjoys the various industries that intersect within WayneTech’s R&D. She likes a job well done, is practical and professional (if not overly enthused) when defense-related bids come across their table, and disdains many of the big research or tech conglomerates that make the news for various crimes or “waste of brain cells and human effort.”

Her morals aren’t obvious, but Vivienne’s choice to support Lucius’s efforts to protect Bruce in his uphill crusade is her character vouching for the Batman, even if she dislikes the actual man behind the mask and his design requirements. That she considers it still of worth is something that Lucius needs to compensate her for.

Lord knows had Bruce actually gone through with that projectile design, he’d have already lost an eye. If Vivienne says his proposed ‘Batplane’ design will vibrate into smithereens, he’s inclined to trust her on that.

“I’m going to start calling him an idiot and vetoing stupid requirements,” Vivienne declares, one eyebrow raised like she’s daring him to object.

“You mean you haven’t been doing that already?”

“Lucius, I have been nothing but polite to him. You have the CCs,” she refutes, looking at him incredulously.

He’s not sure by whose standards her scathing emails can be considered ‘polite’, but of course she can be worse. He needs to smooth this out, redo the first meeting ASAP. His hairline can’t take more of this.

“Fine, alright. Just—let’s try to set up another discussion. I’ll attend this time.”

Vivienne actually snorts. “Guess I’m never beating the PA allegations.” She looks down at her watch. “Fuck. Should have just written you an angry email. How am I going to make it five blocks in ten minutes?” She mutters and just as suddenly as she invaded his office, she strides out with a distracted, “Okay thanks, I’ll continue this later.”

He’d rather she not, but it seems she’s sticking around the Wayne Enterprises HQ building to call into her upcoming meeting; he hears her requesting a fresh notepad, a hot cup of coffee, and a private conference room and everyone outside honors those requests immediately.

That’ll give Lucius about two hours to process Vivienne’s rant, track down Bruce for his side of the story, and figure out how to smooth things out. It shouldn’t be unreasonable.

His phone call to Bruce shatters his expectations.

“You called Director Yang my what?”

#on ands #phd-verse #verm bits #<- new tags #will be backtagging stuff #folie a deux #the amount of stupid-ass acronyms we have now #tpac. aseh. hlwi. tpil. whfagt. ttbh. tdog. tbokk. all the ones that roz has yet to name on her end #and now...passing it onto roz!

63 notes · View notes

smilestrawbunny · 23 days

Note

Hey! Just a heads up, I'm sending this to multiple people, since I wanna get as many different viewpoints on this as I can. I hope this doesn't bother you. Also, this is pretty long.

So, I have a question about gamedev, but more on the marketing/presence side.

Most gamedevs I know, even hobbyist ones, keep their accounts relatively professional. Sure, they may shitpost here and there, but it's mostly in relation to their games, the gamedev sphere in general, or very general inoffensive stuff. And, most importantly, I've seldom seen my favorite gamedevs (or any of my favorite internet personalities, for that matter) comment on random videos unrelated to what type of content they usually post.

All of my social media accounts are quite unprofessional. I've also had them for a long time, so there are a few things on my digital footprint that I'd rather people not see. I also, for lack of a better way of explaining, watch and read random shit and like to leave comments on it sometimes.

I feel like, I were to become a gamedev, I wouldn't be able to do that anymore. I'd have to treat my internet presence as its own balancing act, rather than a place for me to express myself unabashedly. I know this is working under the assumption that I would get big and that people would give a damn about me, but there is always the off chance of that happening. Of a random game you make suddenly blowing up because it hit the algorithm just right. So it's better to be prepared. And even if I don't get that big boom in popularity, I still plan to at least make games consistently enough to build a community of their own. Nothing like, huge, but I really enjoy the idea of people enjoying my work and sharing that enjoyment with others. But I don't want that to cross over into my personal life!

I know that's not an impossible feat, but I feel like it kind of destroys the purpose of the internet for me. To me, it's always been a safe space where I could express myself and easily connect with people with similar viewpoints, but I am now coming to odds with this concept as I consider how I want to become a gamedev.

There's also the side note that I don't wanna rebrand. At least not completely. I don't mind cleaning up my accounts or deleting some old ones, but I've grown very attached to being "Quamai". I can't imagine myself having any other online identity, even if there are some cringy moments attached to it.

So, do you have any advice for my situation? How did you personally go about your own online image, and what do you think is the best course of action?

Thank you in advance!

Oh, I am such a funny person to come to about this- I never let being a game dev stop me from interacting with works I like, haha! Maybe that’s just because I’m a smaller creator, though. Just recently I posted death note fan art, I’m currently working up the courage to post about fandom related ocs, and I’m hosting a game jam encouraging fan works that might be considered “cringy.”

The people who like you and your work will still be there regardless. You can count on that as a fact! So why should you stop yourself from having fun?

Life is far too short to be worried about your public image to such a high degree. Like you said, these are already things that you actively do to express yourself and enjoy! So if it gives you any semblance of comfort, I’ll start doing even more “unprofessional” things to help you out there <3 /pos

#ask #I’m not saying like. to do crazy horrible things though online LOL #obviously I just mean that harmless fun is harmless and you shouldn’t feel embarrassed by it!#if you look at any of your favorite creators they probably have fan art up somewhere #embrace what makes you happy! be self indulgent! it’ll attract like-minded people and overall make you happier <3 #ironically I think this was the push I needed to start posting non game related art so thank you!!!

14 notes · View notes

dear-mrs-otome · 1 year

Text

Jude Jazza - Fake Lovers Event + Sweet End

(AKA Villainous Love That Unfolds on a Moonless Night but fuck that title it's too long)

I make no guarantees on accuracy. I make no guarantees on seriousness. This is, on multiple occasions, a shitpost in summary form - but I hope you enjoy it anyways.

~~~~~~~~

Our story opens on Kate - her lips hot, her heart pounding - telling Jude that she never wants to be the ‘lover’ of someone like him, ever again.

Jude thanks her sarcastically, before telling her it should have been him turning down someone like her to begin with…and Kate’s in total disbelief, wtf is wrong with me style, at the fact that his cruel smile is kinda doing it for her right now.

Absolutely fucking not, she’s telling herself. IX-NAY, FULL STOP, BAD OVARIES DOWN GIRL.

~~~Rewinddddd~~~

After she’d become the fairy tale writer, Victor had come up with an idea to help Kate get to know the boyos better, her first task. To pick one of the members of the Crown and spend the day as their ‘lover’. She’s like, nani the fuck?? How am I supposed to pick someone for that? But Victor’s clearly evil accounted for this, because he’s got the solution - if she can’t decide, he’ll decide for her. With DARTS.

Already prepared for this, Victor hucks a dart at a target and then immediately turns to her all soberfaced and apologizing. Not feeling that apologetic though because the next moment he’s smiling as he says she might be in for a bumpy road. He leads her to the lounge and goes right up to JUDE, of all people, which has Kate utterly dismayed. He literally managed to pick the WORST person possible, didn’t he?!

Jude is far from pleased at being interrupted, looking up from his paper with bitchface as Victor explains his proposal, and his answer is clear. A flat nope.

Just because she’s a woman, he’s supposed to have her pose as his lover? He doesn’t think she’s got the stomach for it in the first place.

Victor cheerfully tells him he’ll bump up how much money Jude’s getting next month, and Jude’s still far from pleased at the idea but money clearly talks, and with a patented-Jude ‘tch’ and a sneer he turns to Kate.

Jude: Once we’re outta here, I don’t wanna hear whining anythin’ like ‘I wanna go back’ or ‘I hate this’ or whatever. Promise that and we’re on.

She’s thinking fine fine, she’s come this far already may as well give it a go. She’s gotta take this first task and do it well so that she can be trusted as a fairytale writer and get out of this castle.

Kate: Yes! I promise!

Jude lets out a sigh like he can’t believe she just said that so enthusiastically, and Roger chimes in looking totally gobsmacked. He warns her that she’s just earned herself a rough go of it, making a promise to Jude - Jude’s deadly serious about keeping promises he’s made, but he expects the same of anyone else, and he’ll exact cruel ruthless revenge on anyone who breaks their word.

Kate’s all kinds of nervous hearing that now, and when she echoes it she glances over to find Jude with a cruel smile on his face, as if enjoying her fear.

Jude: Don't make promises so easily, Princess. I’m gonna spend the rest of the day teachin' you that.

~~~~~~~~

It takes her only a few minutes to regret her life choices, wishing for nothing more than to go back home already.

Jude and Ellis had told her they were going to work, so she tagged along with them, and it had taken only a brief while before Jude had ducked into an alley off the road and there been accosted by a man with a knife. He jumps out, yelling about how he can’t forgive (a thoroughly unimpressed) Jude for wanting to make the man lose his mansion, his property, everything he has. No matter how much he works he’ll never pay off his debts, the man shouts. His family will be ruined! It’s ALL Jude’s fault!

Jude merely says Ellis’ name, and in a blink Ellis has the man pinned to the ground, disarmed.

Leaving Kate shocked by how fast he moved and how deftly he handled that.

Jude reminds the man it was HE who broke his contract - if he wants to starve to death paying for a lawsuit he can’t win, go right on ahead. Tossing those words at him all casually as he simply walks by, leaving the man wailing on the ground.

The dude seems pretty defeated, so Ellis lets go of him and gets up to follow Jude…but Kate is conflicted. Obviously she doesn’t have any clue what sort of deal the guy had with Jude, or how he broke it, but he seems pretty busted up and too pathetic to just leave him lying there in the dirt like this. Feeling bad, she takes out her handkerchief and hands it to the man - but all that ends up doing is enraging him, feeling like he’s being pitied by a girl like her.

He grabs her leg rather than the kerchief, causing her to squeal and tell the man to let go of her, but he shouts at her for mouthing off to him.

Just as she’s frozen in fear…a well-polished shoe smashes the man’s face.

Jude: Don’t just touch something of mine.

Kate’s aghast as she follows the leg attached to the heel still grinding into the man’s face and finds Jude standing there, looking down at the dude and looking pissed. The man manages a few grunts, but that just causes Jude to grin and say how much he’s relishing the man’s miserable expression. Laughing at the sight of the blood running from the agonized man’s nose before turning away.

Kate forces herself to follow Jude, leaving the broken man behind, but she still carefully leaves her handkerchief beside him before she goes.

~~~~~~~~

Though the method might leave something to be desired, she’s gotta admit to herself that Jude protected her, and so she thanks him when they get back out to the street. But Jude just scoffs that she’s a sheltered princess, and tells her he didn’t do it for her. It’s because right now she’s supposed to to be ‘his woman’, and if he lets someone doing something to her slide to her it’ll only cause problems for him - AKA he’s gotta keep up appearances.

She thinks to herself that she’d rather he just accepted her thanks, since he did help her, but she gets why he was so vicious about it at least. And she broaches the subject of the guy, asking what the deal was with him, but all Jude says on the matter is that the guy made promises he couldn’t keep, and now he’s paying for them.

Jude: Pretty sad, pathetic, and hilarious, innit?

She’s trying to figure out how Jude’s so chill about a dude hating him enough to want to kill him - actually, scratch calm, he looks almost like he’s enjoying the whole thing. Like he’s having fun. And she thinks back to the write-up she’d seen on Jude:

‘Curse: The 13th Fairy. Ruthless, arrogant, and vindictive.’

Sounds spot on, she’s thinking.

Jude reminds her to watch herself, lest she end up like that dude, because he knows she was just thinking how she wanted to go back home and how she hated all this. (AKA about to break her promise too)

Kate: I might have thought it, but I didn’t SAY it.

Jude: A shame. I went into that alley and put you in danger and everythin'.

Cue Kate like…whaaa? She asks incredulously if he's saying he tried to get her attacked on purpose to make her break her promise?!?

Jude smirks and implies she managed to guess right, which only enrages Kate.

Kate: You’re the worst!

Jude (100% unrepentant and grinning): Why thank you. I’m lookin' forward to finding out just 'ow long that sassy attitude of yours lasts.

~~~~~~~~

She’d assumed saying they were going to work meant an office or something, but instead they bring her to the dockyards. Makes sense though she guesses, when you own a trading company.

Jude sends Ellis off to prepare for some unspecified ‘thing’ that might happen tonight, and Ellis seems to get what he’s alluding to, bidding Kate a cheerful farewell and leaving her wondering just what they’re talking about and where Ellis is going. Pondering that she follows along after Jude as he moves about the dockyards, giving instructions here and there. He speaks with dock workers and the foreman and she finds herself a seat between crates to watch him as he does. Taking in the way everyone looks at him with a mixture of fear, nervousness, and sometimes hostility - tempered with respect.

He finishes up the conversation, and a friendly young man comes rushing up to Jude, who pulls a face at how loud the man, Jack, is. Jack is delighted that Jude remembers his name, and Kate’s a little surprised to see that someone out there is a Jude fan.

That’s about when Jack notices her there, and asks who she is.

Jude: Oh, my woman.

Jack’s about to losing his mind over this revelation - holy what?? Bossman’s girlfriend?? And he’s practically shouting, so loud that Kate’s cringing as a sea of eyes turn her way. It freaks her out and she wonders if it’s all in her imagination that she feels like people are all jinxing her.

Jude scowls and says what of it? What if he does have a girlfriend? Jack’s left trying to make excuses and apologize for making a spectacle, until Jude just long-suffering sighs and tells him to get back to work

Felling hella uncomfortable, Kate’s scrunching herself down between the crates and such trying to stay out of sight as much as possible, when she senses Jude’s amusement and looks up.

Jude: Yeah, good, stay small like that. There’s plenty of people who’d kill you just for bein’ my woman.

She asks if he’s meaning to say she might be attacked again like she was before, getting nervous all over again remembering that guy who’d grabbed her leg.

Jude asks if she’s scared, and she starts to say OF COURSE but she stops herself, trying to decide if he’d consider it a complaint if she did. (AKA a violation of her promise)

He snorts at that and steps closer and says of course she’d be terrified - a sheltered, defenseless princess like her? It’ll be a miracle for her to make it home unscathed after all the things that’ll happen to her.

Only when he finishes does she realize he’s backed her up against the crates, with nowhere else to run - a fact he gleefully points out. He wraps his fingers around her throat and squeezes, not enough to hurt or cut her air off, but tight enough to make her blood run cold.

Kate: Sto-!

She keeps herself from finishing that too, not willing to tell him to stop and risk breaking her promise. But being unable to resist like that only amps up her fear more.

Jude: If I put just a bit more strength into this hand, you’re never going back to the castle. Alright?

Kate’s thinking NO ACTUALLY THIS IS FAR FROM OKAY?! But she can’t protest so she does the next best thing - glares at him furiously.

Jude lets out a little laugh and says he likes that face, it’s the cutest thing he’s seen all day. He almost feels bad for her, because she clearly wants to go home but can’t say it. If she breaks her promise, he’ll do terrible things to her, no?

He seems amused, clearly seeing right through her fears and conflict, and she wonders if THIS is what he meant when he’d threatened to show her that she shouldn't make promises so easily. But that’s just what she does.

Pissed off now, Kate finds her voice, and furiously she tells him it’s not because she’s afraid of his vengeance that she doesn’t protest. It’s simply because she doesn’t want to give up on earning their trust and earning her freedom.

Jude looks taken aback, as she finishes by telling him that’s why she will keep the promise she made to him.

He clicks his tongue and lets go of her, and the sudden rush of blood to her head makes her dizzy. She staggers and starts to fall, but he grabs her by the upper arm and hauls her roughly back to steady on her feet.

Jude: Can’t have my woman just falling down can I?

She’s fuming to herself about how he’s still quite literally The Worst, when he tells her he’s going to be taking care of some business so she’s on her own for awhile here, and with that he just unceremoniously leaves. And stays gone, for hours…long enough for Kate to be left wishing for home once more as she’s freezing her ass off once night begins to fall.

The young man from earlier, Jack, approaches her, and she recognizes him. Jack tells her that Jude’s sent for her, and she’s fuming internally at him leaving her along for friggin ever and then summoning her whenever he damn well feels like it…but she forces herself to smile and accepts Jack’s offer to take her to him.

He takes her through the streets to a business warehouse, and inside she sees an unfamiliar man dressed in black with a bowler hat on, and guards surrounding him.

Bowler Hat Man: Are you Jude Jazza’s girl?

A wary Kate tries to back out, but she’s grabbed by Jack. Appalled, she asks Jack if he’s stabbing Jude in the back, but Jack tells her it’s not betrayal - it was just contracted work, and he’s found a better-paying job. Who wouldn’t take it?

Jack hands her over to the Bowler Hat Man, who evil chuckles over how he figured Kate would make a worthwhile hostage so he’d had her brought in - that man bringing a woman along is something that never happens. Kate asks if by ‘that man’ he means Jude, and the Bowler Hat Man agrees. He tells her how Jude killed a dude who tried sending a woman to seduce Jude for his own gain, and that Jude seems to surprisingly give a shit about ladies.

Kate’s like uhhh are you sure you’ve got the right person here?? This amuses the Bowler Hat Man a ton, but he says basically that Jude’s got some dirt on him, and he’s going to leverage Kate’s safety in exchange for negotiating.

She asks what’ll happen if Jude refuses, and the Bowler Hat Man simply says too bad so sad, that’ll mean she dies. THAT scares the shit out of her, because she knows there’s no freaking way Jude’s going to negotiate for her. She’s gonna have to figure out how to somehow get out of this all on her own.

Kate tries to tell the guy that she just tagged along with Jude to work today, but Bowler Hat says nah girl you were spotted getting all flirty at the docks today.

Kate: Did that seriously look like we were flirting? He was strangling me!?

Bowler Hat Man says hey, some people are into that kinda thing, and Kate’s about ready to choke at that. She starts vehemently protesting that she really truly doesn’t have anything to do with that man (Jude), this is all just a huge misunderstanding!

Jude’s voice: What a terrible thing to say about your lover…I’m wounded.

She turns around at the sound of his voice and the thump of something heavy falling to the ground, and sees Jude there walking in past an unconscious guard, tossing out a snarky greeting and an apology for interrupting.

SWEET END

The man in the bowler hat recognizes Jude, and he grabs Kate, wrapping an arm around her tightly and pressing something up against her forehead that she realizes, to her horror, is a pistol.

Jude: Ha, that’s a great look, Kate.

She’s bracing herself for the inevitable moment where Jude says she’s not his lover and he refuses to negotiate, at which point…she’ll be killed. Just the thought has her shaking like a leaf with fear - and Jude seems to be genuinely enjoying the sight of her in terror as he laughs and says how much he likes the frightened look in her eyes.

He asks if she wants his help, and she’s thinking NO SHIT ISN’T THAT OBVIOUS?

She’s nodding YES desperately, only to be left more and more of a nervous wreck as Jude strings her along, until the Bowler Hat Man is like, so much for a sweet reunion between lovers?

Jude’s a little disappointed he’s got to stop enjoying the sight of Kate in distress and pay attention to the man, but he switches his focus from her to Bowler Hat and states that it seems the guy is using Jude’s warehouse for business other than they’d agreed on. Jude doesn’t give a shit if he wants to use it to sell guns or whatever other nastiness - BUT. They had a contract that specifically said no buying or selling of PEOPLE didn’t they?

Kate’s thinking, holy crap they’re trading in people?

Bowler Hat wants Jude to overlook all that though - after all, he says, even poor people can fetch a good price when sold. It’ll line Jude’s pockets and help clean the filth from London’s shithole excuse for a port.

Jude’s just silent at that, and the guy keeps wheedling - Jude loves other people’s misery, and money, so of course he’d let something like this slide, right?? If Jude agrees to it, he’ll give Kate back unharmed.

She’s summing this all up in her head, that obviously what’s going on here is the guy broke his contract with Jude to use a warehouse he’d rented from him to engage in human trafficking. And now he’s trying to threaten Jude into letting it continue.

The whole thing makes her sick to her stomach, and while she doesn’t WANT to die she can’t wrap her head around sparing herself at the expense of ignoring the awful shit this guy’s up to.

She could never, ever, do such a horrible thing.

So, biting her lip to hold back her fear, she looks squarely at Jude and puts all her effort into keeping her voice from trembling when she speaks.

Kate: Jude…that nod earlier? I take it back.

He startles at that before he answers.

Jude: You’re seriously hopeless, you know that?

But her heart skips a beat at the smile he’s wearing when he says it - pitying and dumbfounded, but somehow still gentle. She’s honestly having a hard time believing what she’s seeing.

Slightly warm fuzzy moment all gone though when the smile falls from his face and he says he doesn’t need to be told what to do by her, so quiet down. His eyes are cold when he turns back to Bowler Hat and says there’s a few things the man seems to have misunderstood about him that he’s going to clear up.

First - that Jude loves other people’s misery and money. What he loves is eating the rich, basically. He loves the despair when the high and mighty, like Bowler Hat, fall from their comfy lap of luxury.

Bowler Hat has only a moment to be like, wtf? Before the air in the warehouse is torn apart by gunshots and screams, as the guards surrounding Bowler Hat all collapse. He’s so dumbfounded that Jude easily darts in and takes advantage of the distraction to twist his gun arm back.

Secondly, Jude tells him, is that no matter what kind of leverage someone tries to use against him he’ll never let anyone get away with breaking a contract.

Jude: Third…

He rips Kate away from the man and into his own arms on a sneer.

Jude: Whatever my answer is, I’m gonna be sure to get her back without a scratch.

He drives a knee hard into Bowler Hat’s stomach at that, and the man falls over on the spot. Kate’s still trying to catch up to the fact that Jude’s helped her again…and trying to tell her pounding heart to chill out. It’s most definitely NOT racing over Jude saving her bacon, or because he’s holding her. Absolutely not. Clearly it’s just because she’s scared.

Clearly.

She knows she’s telling herself lies nobody would believe, and in the meantime Jude aims the pistol he stole from Bowler Hat at him and tells him not to worry - he’s not going to turn him over to the police. In return for that, he just asks the man to be the subject for some dangerous research. Jude takes perverse delight in the idea of Bowler Hat experiencing the ‘joys’ of physical labor for the first time.

When the agonized man finally passes out, Jude calls out for Ellis to carry the guy off, and Ellis materializes out of the shadows with his own gun in hand. He observes on a smile that Jude seems pretty pleased right now, which only leads Jude to pull a face and tell Ellis to go get his eyes checked if that’s what he sees, after dropping this dude off at the lab.

Ellis seems a little disappointed, but he does as asked and disappears with Bowler Hat.

Kate asks if the man is going to be killed, and Jude tells her that he accepted this mission on the condition that if he could destroy the human trafficking ring, he alone got to decide whether the target lived or died.

Jude: I don’t see why I should let condescending bastards, living comfy and cushy lives while they exploit others, get off with something as easy as dying. It’s the way of the world that what goes around comes around, and it wouldn’t be fair for them to die before suffering through the same hell, right?

Kate’s still reeling from the revelation that this was all a mission though, and says as much aloud. Jude grimaces at her screeching and says what the heck else would it be?

Kate: So you didn’t come to my rescue because I was kidnapped by accident…

Jude tells her he knew they’d try anything to get him to negotiate with them, so she’d make a natural target if she was seen out and about with him. Kate’s like, wait you KNEW THAT and you left me alone?!

They devolve into arguing, Jude exasperated that she’s gotta pester him with so many obvious questions and Kate still furious that hello?? She might have been KILLED?!

Jude, scoffing: I’d never do anything to get my bait killed.

Kate’s just seeing red over having been used as bait, and she tells Jude, once again, that he is The Worst. Jude’s practically rolling his eyes as he tells her she already used that line earlier, doesn’t she have any new ones? Lighting up a smoke, he walks out of the warehouse - pausing on the way to land a hard parting kick on Jack, who is lying on the ground with the rest of the defeated guards.

~~~~~~~~

Back out at the docks, Kate questions Jude as to the nature of this ‘dangerous research’ he’s going to use that man as a subject for, but he tells her it’ll never have anything to do with her.

If it’s so dangerous, it seems like it might have serious and permanent effects, and she’s wondering whether Bowler Hat will come seeking revenge on Jude if he survives it. Also remembering with a shudder the hatred in the man’s eyes who threatened Jude with a knife in the alley. She could never stomach living with people constantly hating you and wanting to see you dead.

Kate: The more you torment people, the more they'll just hate you…why do you have to torture them?

Jude just smirks and tells her it’s the price of a delightful hobby, and she asks if it’s really fun enough to risk his life over. He stops at that and turns back towards her, causing Kate to almost crash into him, leaving them almost nose to nose.

Jude: Can I torment you until you hate me so much you wanna kill me, just to be sure?

Only for him to immediately break out laughing when Kate gasps, and say he’s just fucking with her. Quite pleased with himself at having her at a loss.

He tells her that a sheltered princess would never get it, and she thinks that she doesn’t understand and she doesn’t WANT to understand.

This man’s a cold-hearted, arrogant, ruthless sadist…but…when he put her in danger today, it was Jude who freed her and kept her safe. If he’d really made that promise to her with ill intent, she’d not have made it through the day unscathed.

That moment where Jude had promised to spend the day showing her the folly of making promises so lightly comes back to mind again…and she realizes he’d done exactly what he’d said he would and taught her the rules of this dark world she’s stepped into. Maybe because he knows the importance of a promise.

That doesn’t make showing appreciation any easier to swallow though, leaving her to force herself to thank him for today.

Jude asks what’s with the surly attitude saying it, would it kill her to smile more? Aaaand Kate’s back to exasperated with this man, but she tells him she learned a lot about the dangers of making promises and that she’ll be more careful next time, all on a smile this time.

Jude snarkily praises that…then grabs her chin with a cold smile, setting her flailing and asking what he’s doing.

Jude: You’ve done a good job of keeping your agreement with Victor and your promise to me…but I saved your life two times today. You owe me twice.

Kate’s in disbelief, even as ruthless amethyst eyes glint at her bewitchingly. Like a cunning predator, toying with its prey. Then Jude smirks and wonders aloud…what exactly should he get in return for saving his ‘sweetheart’?

FIN

(The little scene we get at the start of the story is from the epilogue)

~~~~~~~~

<< Bitter End | Epilogue >> (TBC)

~~~~~~~~

@violettduchess @just-simping-over-genshin

#ikemen villains #ikevil #ikevil jude #spoiler #spoilers #ikemen villains spoilers #ikevil spoilers #mrs o's translations of dubious quality

132 notes · View notes

cyberphuck · 1 year

Text

ASSASSIN’S APPRENTICE ABRIDGED: PART FOUR

My friend Razz wants to understand my shitposting about the Farseer Trilogy, but doesn’t want to have to read the books, so I’m summarizing it for them!

EDIT: Halfway through Jhaampe I start calling “The Big Turnip” the “Big Onion” instead and I can’t be arsed to fix it.

Read Previous Entries!

Alright Bastards and Old Bloods, this is it: the final entry and JUMBO-LENGTH conclusion to Assassin’s Apprentice Abridged!

- Excerpt from Chade Fallstar's private writings, Grune 28th, 1497:

Dear Diary, the other day we caught a little zombie-Forged girl and I've been keeping her in a jar with a stick and a leaf. If I shake the jar, she talks. She knows who she is and who her family is, and she also knows a lot of swear words. I gave her some bread when she wasn't hungry and she said "shove it up your ugly ass." I tried to teach her a trick and she bit me. I decided to send her to live on a farm upstate along with Chivalry and Prince Regal's mom.

Love, Chadey.

While Chade has been playing Jane Goodall with Forged people, Fitz has been very busy being an alcoholic. One evening, Chade calls Fitz up into his wall-hole and says "It's time for you to stop being a drunk and for the readers to remember who Prince Verity is."

"Why is there a hay bale in the corner of your--"

"Prince Verity is Chivalry's younger brother and currently King-in-Waiting for the throne," the Fool says, lounging underneath the hay bale. "That makes Prince Regal next in line after Verity. Just so you know."

"Right," Chade nods. "Fitz, your job from now on is to hang out with Verity in his Fortress of Solitude and do whatever he wants you to do."

"I'm fourteen," Fitz says.

"Don't argue with me, boy, I've got a wedding to plan. By the way, did you ever figure out who tried to kill Burrich?"

Fitz shrugs. "I figured somebody tried to kill him because he's Burrich."

"Ah yes, the age-old solution of 'things just happen, what the hell," Chade rolls his eyes. "Well, go on, shoo. Go bother Verity."

Sighing, Fitz climbs thirty-nine flights of stairs to where Verity is sitting in his empty tower room and staring out the window. "Breakfast, your highness," Fitz announces.

"Ew," Verity moans.

"There's also a cup of tea with enough caffeine in it to kill some sort of very big gray trumpet animal," Fitz offers.

"Yeah, okay, I'll take that."

"So, uh," Fitz says, standing there awkwardly as Verity drinks an amount of stimulant that should make his heart explode, "watcha doin up here?"

"Defending the kingdom."

Fitz looks out the window at the ocean. He looks back at Verity. "Like... with a gun?"

Verity smiles softly. "Oh, you're stupid. I like that in a person I'm going to use as a tool for the rest of my life."

"I like you, too," Fitz says, tail wagging.

"I'm using the Skill to confuse the Vikings so they won't raid our shit and turn our people into zombies," Verity explains. "I'd ask Galen's Skill students to help but they're pretty useless. Hey, didn't Galen teach YOU how to Skill?"

"Oh, he tried but I'm bad at it, it's because I'm a basta-- HHHHGGGHHGHGHHGHHHHHH KEPPET.EXE HAS ENCOUNTERED A PROBLEM AND NEEDS TO GHHHGH TROJAN DETECTED TAKE ACTION TO PREVENT GHHGGHHHH HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CLICK HERE TO CHAT GHHGHGGGHHHHHH"

"Huh," Verity says after thoroughly mentally assaulting Fitz without warning or permission. "Looks like someone used the Skill to convince you you were bad at Skilling. That’s just one of the many things the Skill can do that I will reveal to you whenever I feel like it, which will usually be AFTER you need to know.”

"I think I need an adult," Fitz whimpers from the floor.

Verity chuckles fondly. "I am an adult. Too bad I don't really have time to teach you to Skill properly. That probably won't come back to bite us. Run along now, stop crying. Oh, and see if Chade can get you to murder that gross noble two counties over."

A few weeks later, at breakfast, Fitz tries to eat Coco Puffs as quietly as possible while Verity and Shrewd argue.

"I don't WANT to get married," Verity says for the eighteenth time. "I've gotta keep sitting in the Martyr Tower and keeping Vikings from attacking us!"

"Well guess what, bucko, I'm your father AND your king and if I say you're getting married then you fucking are!" Shrewd rage-butters a scone. "And I swear to Eda if you pull a Malicious Compliance like your older brother and marry the absolute worst candidate for queen you can find then I'll look the other way when YOU'RE assassinated too!"

Fitz slowly reaches for the cereal box, eyes wide.

"It'll be good for morale, Verity," Shrewd goes on. "Everybody'll be like, 'oh, if the Prince is getting married and pumping babies into some foreign woman then being murdered by Vikings really isn't that bad!'"

"And who did Regal choose for me to be married to?" Verity asks.

Shrewd looks at the smudged writing on his hand. "The Kraken," he announces.

"You mean Kettricken?" Verity says. "The mountain princess? I'm like twice her age. And I don't have time to go to the mountains to grab her, Vikings will totally Vike you all while I'm gone!"

"Well SOMEBODY'S gotta go up there and grab her," Shrewd insists.

"Figure it out," Verity snaps as he storms out of the room. "And by the way, Fitz has been sitting there eating six bowls of sugar cereal because he has no adult supervision!"

He slams the door.

"Hi Grandpa Shrewd," Fitz says into the silence.

"Hello, Lil Accident. Just so you know, Kettricken is only second in line to the mountain throne. First is her brother Rurisk, who took an arrow to the chest a couple years back and now is about to die from Being Poisoned to Get Him Out of the Way."

"Yes Grandpa Shrewd.”

Chade Spidermans down from the ceiling. "You're sending him and not me? Why?"

"Plot reasons," Shrewd says, taking the cereal box away from Fitz.

"Oh boy," Fitz says, jumping up. "I'm gonna go tell my friend the Fool!"

The Fool's not in his room, but a bunch of other cool stuff is: every Lego set from 1973 onward, a bunch of those neon-colored ponchos from the 90's, Sudoku puzzles completed in ballpoint pen, and A BABY????

Oh wait, that's a doll. Looks like a baby though. Weird.

Next Fitz goes to visit Patience. Patience is sifting through an old jewelry box; she sits Fitz down so she can hold different things up to him and see how they look.

"Hmm. No, too subtle... this one's too gaudy. Ah, yes, this one." Patience pulls out a black collar with the word DADDY on it in gold letters. "Yes, this is perfect. Put it on, Fitz."

It's eventually decided that since Verity can't go to the mountains, Regal is going to be a stand-in at the wedding and then they'll have another wedding later when the Kraken comes down to Buckkeep. Fitz is loading up the horse-van for the journey when the Fool cartwheels up to him.

"I have something for you," the Fool jingles.

"I didn't go in your room and touch your doll or accidentally drop your seven thousand five hundred and forty one piece Millenium Falcon Lego set," Fitz blurts.

"Take this Pepto Bismol," the Fool says, "and don't eat anything weird in the mountains."

"Don't worry about me, Fool," Fitz laughs. "I'm sure nothing bad'll happen."

Fitz goes on a road trip. August, Fitz's cousin and current member of the Skill Gang, is going with them to help Verity Skill-connect to the wedding when it's time. Hands the stableboy is also there, which is nice, because they're taking the I-5 to Jhaampe, the mountain capital, and there's not a lot to look at on the way. They travel through a lot of places that Fitz is just going to have to travel through again in two books while being chased by Regal, so all he really notices is that there's a shitton of grass, a bigass lake, and only one set of hot girls who want to give him and hands their first sexual experience (the girls' mom shows up and hits them with a sandal until they go home).

The wedding party climbs into the foothills of the mountain kingdom, and there waiting for them are... the Vikings?

Okay, so the group of seafaring raiders that I've been referring to as "The Vikings" are culturally sort of more like Mongol raiders. It's not really a one-to-one comparison but the important point here is that the mountain people are what we in the real world would typically imagine Vikings to be, except that here in the Six Duchies the Vikings are the Vikings and the mountain people only LOOK like Vikings, Fitz is Simba, Regal is Scar and I think the Fool is Horatio.

Are we clear? Alright moving on.

Fitz and co. are greeted by a welcoming party of mountain people, who are tall and pale and blond. They're super friendly and cheerful, singing the Songs of Their People and totally confusing Hands, who doesn't speak Mountain. Fitz doesn't speak Mountain either, probably. Maybe.

They arrive in Jhaampe, where the buildings look like if you cut off the tops of the towers in Red Square or planted a bunch of turnips upside down. A second welcoming party pops up, and when August and his cronies complain that their feet are tired and they don't feel like walking anymore, the mountain peeps carry them into the city on planks. Fitz is extremely embarrassed by this and is trying not to cringe all the way down into his tights.

To seem less like a lazy dick who makes strangers carry him places for no reason, Fitz strikes up a conversation with one of the old ladies carrying his plank. Her name is Jonqui and she knows a lot about the city, and slows the plank down so she can point out interesting landmarks and gardens.

"Pull-Out Fail speaks good Mountain," she remarks, grinning. "Maybe he learned as a tadpole?"

"I'm just super good with languages I probably grew up speaking," Fitz shrugs.

They arrive at the biggest turnip, which serves as Jhaampe's royal palace. Jonqui escorts Fitz inside and he finds that it's not really a palace, it's more like a tent made out of a tree, with a lot of open space in the middle, and there's not a whole lot of private spaces that he might use to murder their prince.

Whatever, he'll figure it out.

"Come, Pull-Out Fail," Jonqui says, herding Fitz to a center stage. "We will watch our Shift Manager present his Shift Manager to be your Shift Manager."

"Shift Manager?"

"Yes, that is what we call our royalty. When someone comes to demand to speak to the person in charge, the Shift Manager is the one we have chosen to throw under the bus," Jonqui explains. "It is a very important duty."

Besides King Eyod, who is an old person, there are two random mountain folk in white dresses. Fitz eyeballs them and wonders where the rest of the royal family is. "The girl one," Jonqui says, elbowing Fitz, "she is my niece."

"Neat," Fitz yawns, still looking around for someone wearing a crown. "That other guy looks like He-Man."

"Yes, he is my nephew."

Gifts are exchanged.

"This isn't going to be like that one scene in Midsommar, is it?" Fitz asks warily. "You're not going to like, set these people on fire?"

"This," King Eyod announces, taking He-Man by the shoulder, "is my son, Shift Manager Rurisk, first in line to the throne of the mountain kingdom. And here is Shift Manager Kettricken, who shall marry the Shift Manager of the Six Duchies and become their General Manager, She Who Sets the Schedule."

There is general oohing and ahhing and applause. Fitz realizes he's been chatting boredly with the King's sister this entire time. Why hadn't Regal sent any kind of message to the wedding party ahead of time to warn them that the mountain people liked to play Undercover Boss? No, Regal had just texted to remind them to bring his Gucci underwear, the dick.

Jonqui drags Fitz over to meet Kettricken and Rurisk. "Kids, this is Pull-Out Fail Farseer," she says. "Now you go run along and play, and be back when the streetlights come on."

"Yes, in our language we call him 'The Bastard' because he sucks," August chimes in helpfully. Rurisk glares at him.

"Pull-Out Fail," Rurisk says. "I knew your father. And I spoke with him, on the day that he'd learned that he'd knocked up one of our people. He was a good man."

"This joke is getting kind of old," Fitz says. "Listen, my name is Fitzchivalry--"

"Oh, Fitzchivalry Farseer?" Kettricken brightens. "You poison people, right? Regal told me all about you and how you run around with Lady Thyme murdering people in the Six Duchies. It's so good to finally meet you!"

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," Fitz replies articulately.

"Come on," Kettricken says excitedly, "let's go to the herb garden. I heard you like herbs."

On the way out to the herb garden, Fitz forgets that Kettricken knows he's an assassin and notices she has boobs, because he's fourteen. Together they get enthused about plants and shit, and they take a stroll around the herbs.

"Taste this one, it's really weird," Kettricken says. "... What's that thudding noise? With a jingle? It sounds like someone's court jester is banging their head against a wall."

"I hear that a lot," Fitz shrugs. "I usually just ignore it. You said to eat this plant I've never heard of? Mm, spicy!"

"So," Kettricken asks as she stops a speeding train with one muscular arm, "what's my future husband like? Shift Manager Regal told me that he's really old and nasty and that he just sits in a recliner watching Fox News all day."

"He's thirty two," Fitz tells her, mentally adding a dick to the big ol' bag that he wishes Regal would eat. "Verity is super nice, and funny, and he has fun hobbies and he likes animals. He's really handsome, too, he has gorgeous black hair and shining eyes and big broad shoulders and a really nice ass--"

"So Shift Manager Regal lied to me." Kettricken frowns, biting her lip. "Does he lie about a lot of things?"

"They hang people in my country for having an opinion on that," Fitz says.

"Regal was six Jagerbombs deep one night and told me all about how you loved sneaking around and killing people," Kettricken confesses. "He said that if you showed up with the wedding party, it meant that you were here to poison my brother to get him out of the way and make me the heir to the mountains."

"What haha that's weird what a weird thing to say haha," Fitz stammers, foaming at the mouth.

Rurisk and Jonqui come running down the path to fetch Kettricken, telling her that there's a thing at the thing she has to do, remember that thing? And Fitz smiles and waves bye to them and then walks happily back to his room in the tree-palace and starts frantically digging through his stuff for the Pepto Bismol the Fool gave him.

Rurisk bursts into the room at five the next morning, waving a bottle of Mountain Bismol. "Pull-Out Fail, are you still alive?!"

"I wish I wasn't," Fitz moans, face pressed against the rug. "Get away from me with that."

"He's not dead, no thanks to you," Rurisk says, glaring at Kettricken as she peeks into the doorway wearing footie pajamas. "Go get us some breakfast, and don't fucking poison it!"

Fitz tries to stand up and faceplants on the bed. "Stop making the floor move."

"Someone told Kettricken you were here to kill me," Rurisk explains. "I told her not to worry about it, but she thought it'd be a good idea to trick you into eating what we call Fentanyl Flowers and then not tell me about it until fifteen minutes ago."

Kettricken comes back into the room with donuts and coffee. Rurisk breaks a donut into three pieces, giving each of them a piece. "And if this is poisoned, you've killed us all," he warns.

"Oh my god, that was one time," Kettricken whines.

"Listen, Pull-Out Fail," Rurisk says earnestly. "My little dinky mountain kingdom needs the space for farmland down on your big prairies. We need cool stuff from the town that the Liveship Traders books take place in. We need a beach for our college students to go to on Spring Break. So I'm willing to give you ethically sourced furs, good lumber for warships, and my hot little sister as trade."

Fitz pauses with a donut halfway to his mouth. "What do you mean, 'ethically sourced furs'?"

"We shave bears. It's not important right now. What is important is that you don't have to kill me to get me out of the way, because I'm on YOUR side. Do you get me?"

"I get you," Fitz nods.

"Good. Now I'm going the fuck back to bed. Kettricken, don't poison anybody on the way back to your room."

"If you don't stop I'm gonna tell DAD--"

Fitz lays back on the bed. He closes his eyes and wonders if communism should be a thing. Then he thinks, no, having a monarchy is definitely a good idea. What could go wrong with having a ruling class of divine-right royalty who are constantly murdering each other for the throne? And surely there's no drawback to having a Prince that's an evil little shit who commits crimes against humanity with no fear of punishment or reprisal.

Yeah. Kings are the best.

The next day Rurisk invites Fitz out to the dog kennels. Fitz loves dogs! Then they turn a corner to find a very old hound dog whose jowls, ears, belly and tail are all dragging on the ground as he waddles up to them, and the music swells as Fitz cries "Nosy!!" and kneels down to hug him.

"That's my loyal old hound dog," Rurisk says. "Burrich the stablemaster sent him to me in a little basket with a bow on it years ago."

"I had a socially unnacceptable soul-bond with this dog," Fitz explains.

"Gross," Rurisk smiles. "Anyway, I gotta go do Prince stuff. Smell you later."

Fitz immediately goes to find Burrich, who is in the Big Turnip presenting a horse to Kettricken as a wedding present. Cob--

Wait, there's a note here. It says, "Cob is the stable boy that Fitz and Nosy met when they first came to Buckkeep." There's a piece of straw taped to it.

Cob is there too, and he makes sure to give Fitz the middle finger as he approaches.

"Burrich, I need to talk to you," Fitz says. "I just found out you didn't kill Nosy when I was little."

Burrich stops what he's doing and turns slowly to stare at him. "I'm sorry, you thought I killed a puppy? Jesus, no wonder you were so twitchy as a kid."

"But you didn't kill a puppy," Fitz says. "And we can still be friends."

"You thought I was a monster who would [BUILD A ROCKET SHIP SO THAT AN ANIMAL COULD RETURN TO ITS HOME PLANET] if I'd found out you'd bonded with it, but you turned around and bonded with another fucking puppy," Burrich growls. "Which I told you is nasty, so no, we can't be friends."

Fitz drags himself sadly back to the Big Turnip.

That night, Fitz is getting ready for bed when Regal's servant turns up at his door. "Hey fuckwad, Prince Regal wants to talk to you," he says, and drags Fitz by the wrist up to Regal's royal Regal room.

Regal is chilling in his chambers doing epic bong rips out of the skull of a dead orphan, like not a dirty street urchin, but specifically an adorable little ragamuffin with soot on their little tophat that flew off comically when Regal took them out from five hundred yards away with a sniper rifle. "What's up, DICKchivalry," he sneers, then high-fives one of his minions.

"Hi," Fitz says, forcing a smile.

"Have you gotten around to murdering Prince Rurisk yet?" Regal coughs.

"Uh."

"Uh," Regal says mockingly. "God, you're stupid. Isn't he stupid, minion who has no business hearing any of this?"

"Absolutely idiotic, my Prince."

"Prince Rurisk said he's on our side," Fitz says, "and that he wants us to have the lumber we need and his sister and everything. I figured maybe it'd be better to like, not kill him."

"Alright, since you're too dumb to plan an assassination, I'll figure it out for you," Regal says as his minion loads another bowl. "I want him graveyard dead before the wedding so he doesn't stand next to me and make me look short. Now fuck off."

Fitz fucks off with many a backward glance, wondering what the fuck he's supposed to do now. There's no signal in the mountains so he can't send a message to Chade or King Shrewd to tell him that Rurisk is cool actually, and even though Regal sucks, like, REALLY sucks, he IS a Prince and Fitz is a tool of the Crown so he does technically have to follow orders.

What the fuck is Regal's problem? Fitz thinks while brushing his teeth the next morning. Why did he tell Kettricken that I'm an assassin? Why does he want Rurisk dead so bad when Ru-Dawg is on our side? Gosh, I wish I could talk to Chade or Verity or Grandpa Shrewd or literally anyone, but they're so far away, and--

Oh right, the Skill.

"AUGUST," Fitz pants, sneakers squeaking as he skids to a halt in front of his cousin. "I've been looking everywhere for you. Look: do you see this silver pin, with the ruby in it? King Shrewd gave this to me when I was nine and sitting under a table eating leftover pies. The Fool and Regal were there too, and there were some puppies, and King Shrewd knelt down and gave me the pin and told me that if I ever needed to talk to him, I could just show this pin at his door and he'd let me talk to him, no matter what, and there's something really important going on so I need you to send a Skill message to him right now."

August looks at him for a minute. "No," he says finally, and turns to leave.

Fitz grabs his sleeve. "August you HAVE to let me talk to Shrewd, there are LIVES at stake!"

"Okay fine, jeez," August says, shaking him off. "I'll get Shrewd on the line."

"Great! Great. Okay. Tell him, uh." Fitz takes a deep breath. "Tell him Prince Rurisk is doing great and I don't think we should kill hi-- uhhhhhhhhh, I mean GIVE him the PRESENT that we were going to POISON him with."

"You're such a fucking spaz," August mutters, closing his eyes to make a Skill Call. Then he shrugs. "It went straight to voicemail."

"Redial," Fitz says desperately.

"No, I've got important cousin shit to do, including telling Regal that you just tried to get me to dial long distance to talk to the King." August walks across the palace to talk to Regal, but the Prince is high as fuck and doesn't care.

Fitz leans against the wall and makes a thinky face. "Maybe I could kill Regal," he says for what will be the first of several hundred times. "Eh, probably not worth it."

That night, Regal's minion gives Fitz a little secret packet of horrible deadly poison. "Regal gave me this to give to you to give to Prince Rurisk," he says. "Put it in his drink and make it look like an accident."

"Did King Shrewd send me here as some kind of complicated political maneuver where I would kill Rurisk and then be publicly hanged for murder so no one would find out that we killed Rurisk for political gain?" Fitz asks.

"Take the fucking accident powder," the minion snaps.

Fitz walks through the Big Onion to Kettricken's door, where he knocks and tells her that he's going to kill her brother. Then he goes to Rurisk's room, with Kettricken following behind. He sits down at Rurisk's table and dumps the accident powder into a glass of wine while Rurisk watches. Then they both drink from a different glass.

"Kind of sucks that Shift Manager Regal told everyone you're an assassin, Pull-Out Fail," Rurisk says. "You wanna hang out here in the mountain kingdom so you don't end up at the bottom of a lake with your feet encased in concrete?"

"Maybe," Fitz says. "I think somebody's supposed to catch me in the act of killing you just now, will you let them in?"

Cob bursts in the door. "Caught you red handed poisoning the Prin-- OH FUCK KETTRICKEN YOU DIDN'T DRINK THAT WINE DID YOU??"

"No, why?"

Rurisk falls over dead.

"Wait, why is he dead, we both drank from the same gl-- wow, I do NOT feel so great," Fitz says, foaming at the mouth again.

Cob grabs him. "I sent Smithy to space," he grins.

"Yeah, well I have a poisoned knife," Fitz replies, stabbing him with it.

"Sweet mountain Jesus, someone stop him, he's killing everyone!" Kettricken yells, then realizes she's holding a heavy metal object and beans Fitz in the head with it.

Fitz wakes up in the stables outside the Big Onion with Regal already monologuing over him. "I wanted you dead because you and Lady Thyme poisoned my mother!"

"Queen Desire, Shrewd's second queen who died at some point in this book but Fitz literally cared so little that he didn't even mention it," says a nearby hay bale.

"Thank you, hay bale," Regal says. "You thought I didn't know you poisoned her, but I DID know! I also know that you were using Burrich to Skill, but as soon as I had Cob stab him you were forced to stop. I knew ALL of these things!"

"Glag," Fitz says, concussed. Then he closes his eyes, and suddenly he can Skill.

"Hi, Prince Regal," Galen the Skillmaster says. "Are you ready for me to Skill-Kill Prince Verity during the wedding so you can marry Kettricken and be King-in-Waiting?"

"Ugh, but she looks like a Soviet Union propaganda poster," Regal moans.

"Suck it up," Galen says, hitting 'end call.'

Fitz is still laying on his face in the stables. Nosy noses in and ambles over to drool on him, then bites through the ropes Fitz is tied up with. Burrich shows up next.

"You have the Wit," Fitz tries to say, but he's still suffering poison damage and the 'hit in the head' debuff, so it comes out as "Glaggaglah."

"I'm in the closet," Burrich says. "Did King Shrewd turn you into a baby assassin?"

"Glag," Fitz confirms sadly.

Burrich looks back at him, then does a double-take. "Where the fuck did you get that collar that says 'DADDY' on it?" he demands.

"Patience glave it to me."

"I cannot fucking believe this," Burrich mutters, pinching the bridge of his nose. "That's the collar that I gave to your dad."

Fitz looks at him.

"You gave it to Prince Chivalry when he found out about me," Fitz says. "That's why it says 'DADDY,' because that's when he found out he was a father."

"Sure, we'll go with that," Burrich says queerly.

Jonqui, King Eyod's sister, clips through the wall while T-posing. "Come back to the Big Onion," she says. "Kettricken has forgiven you for poisoning her brother. Which I know you didn't do."

They drag Fitz back to his rooms at the Big Onion. While Fitz is trying to remember how to drink water, August shows up at the door. "Verity called," he says boredly. "He said, uh, be loyal to who's loyal to you, or something. Also all of Regal's servants died mysteriously and he wants you to go to the hot springs to help him bathe."

"I do not want to see Regal naked," Fi tz protests, but goes anyway.

Regal's sitting in a hot tub drinking an evil martini when Fitz and Burrich arrive. "Ah, there you are," Regal says. "Hulking Manservant, bang Burrich over the head."

Burrich goes down. Fitz yells timber. Regal drags Fitz over to another hot tub, ignoring the sign that says 'WARNING: DO NOT USE THIS HOT TUB IF YOU HAVE BEEN RECENTLY BETRAYED BY YOUR EVIL UNCLE' and throws him in.

"And that's that," Regal says happily, dusting off his hands, and leaves.

Fitz, flailing around in the water being hot tubbed to death, can suddenly Skill (again). This is great! He Skills joyously. Skilling is rad! I'm gonna call everyone! Hey Verity! VERITY! ... Verity?

"Dearly Beloved..."

The Fool looks up from his Adult Coloring Book. "Hm?"

"We are gathered here today to join these two second bananas in holy matrimony. Do you, Prince Verity..."

Verity! Fitz Skill-yells. Look out!! Skillmaster Galen is standing behind you about to pull a Skill Dracula on you and suck out all your, uh, Skill! That's a thing that can happen apparently!

I am actually Queen Desire's bastard son and Prince Regal's half brother! Galen Skills evilly. I'm pretty sure there's no member of the Farseer reign that HASN'T either sired or given birth to a bastard! Like seriously, as a family we legit just cannot keep our pants on. ANYWAY! I have been conspiring to kill Verity and put Regal on the thro-- oh okay apparently you can just straight kill someone with the Skill too, who knew.

Galen collapses, Skill-dead.

AUGUST, Verity Skill-megaphones into August the Skill-cousin's ear. PUT THE KRAKEN ON THE LINE SO I CAN TELL HER IT WASN'T ME WHO PLOTTED TO KILL PRINCE RURISK. AND ALSO THAT I RESPECT HER AS A PERSON AND WILL GREET HER WHEN SHE ARRIVES AT BUCKKEEP WITH A FIRM HANDSHAKE AND A MANLY NOD.

August's head explodes.

~epilogue~

Fitz and Burrich are later found in a wet, unconscious pile in the steams. Fitz has puncture marks in his wrist from where Nosy pulled him out of his hot tub tomb before climbing into his rocketship and flying back to his home planet.

Though neither of them are dead, Burrich has conveniently forgotten that Fitz is a baby assassin, and Fitz probably can't be a baby assassin anymore because he has about thirty seizures a day due to being poisoned and then poisoned again and then blugeoned and kicked and drowned all in the space of like thirty minutes.

They spend a long time recovering in Jhaampe, even after Kettricken and Regal (remember him? he's still alive) go down to Buckkeep. Burrich tells Fitz that they're friends again and that he'll go wherever Fitz goes because he's wearing the 'DADDY' collar. Fitz says, "Because you... view me as a parental figure? I guess?"

Burrich replies, "Sure. We'll go with that." NEXT TIME, ON DRAGON BOOK Z: Fitz has his Hot Girl Summer, immediately followed by his Shit’s Wack Winter, in ROYAL ASSASSIN ABRIDGED!

#rote #assassin's apprentice #farseer trilogy #fitzchivalry farseer #robin hobb #aa abridged #farseer trilogy abridged

60 notes · View notes

c00kiejar · 3 months

Text

This song...

I've never really made a proper post before, just shitposts and the occasional art thing. I want to make one to properly express how I feel right now and why this song represents it perfectly. I will warn you first, however, that this mentions a certain YouTuber who was recently completely destroyed on Twitter and my personal experience as a viewer, and may delve into some not-too-happy thoughts

Still here? Let's dive in

It all starts way back when I was still a kid. I was navigating the wonderful site known as YouTube, trying to find videos on videogames and, specifically, I think it was Super Paper Mario. I had no idea how to beat Chapter 2-3 (the Ruby debt one), and I needed help. That's when I stumbled across a YouTuber called Chuggaaconroy (a.k.a. Emile). The way he provided all the information I needed in one video was exactly what I needed. I couldn't subscribe to his channel because I didn't have a Google account, so I just periodically checked his channel, eventually learning he uploaded every day at 5 PM, perfect for younger me. I'd watch his videos when they came out, loving every single one. I eventually discovered his collab channel, The Runaway Guys, and loved that channel even more. He, Proton Jon (Jon) and NintendoCapriSun (Tim) entertained me for YEARS with their content. I even branched out into Jon's streaming community, becoming a semi-regular artist on the booru for a time (you can still find my stuff there under the name TehSm1tty. Not my best work, but I still like some of it). Years come and go, and I have my fair share of mental health troubles, but I'd always find Emile, Jon, and Tim there to brighten my days.

Fast forward to sometime last week. I've been pretty inactive on Twitter aside from my alts, but I decided to see what was popping on main. I log in and get recommended a post with the hashtag "WeStandWithChugga". I had no idea what was going on, so I looked into it. I won't go into detail here, but the jist of it is that Emile was a total creep to many women and even drove wedges between himself and good friends because of this weird behavior. There's a lot more to this than just that, but the point is that it shattered my view of him. I knew he was pushy and that always kinda annoyed me, but the extent of it broke me. For a few days now, I've been having a rough go of it. I mean, my childhood YouTuber just got outed as a complete creep and has some serious allegations of being at least a lolicon, at worst a pedo. I've been down and out for days, and it just wouldn't stop. That is, until I found out that Tim has a Reddit account. I never knew this (or, well, maybe I did and just forgot. Idfk), and was amazed to learn that Tim's been keeping Reddit updated on what he's able/willing to share. Turns out Emile's getting the help he needs at a legit mental hospital and that he's ok. That's what made everything stop. Hearing he's ok. After all the shit Emile has done, he's still a human being and doesn't deserve to have the whole internet turn on him in a fraction of a second. Hearing a fellow human is ok made me feel better. I'm not letting him off the hook, and I do not believe he should ever be forgiven for what he's done, but if he is willing to better himself and become a better person, I am more than willing to believe in that Emile.

Now to come to roughly 40 minutes ago. I decide to boot up Satisfactory and play a bit, but I have no idea what to listen to while I do. I put on a song but quickly get bored of it, and then I see "OMORI | Do You Remember? | Extended" in my recommendations. I put it on and instantly, as if I were splashed in the face by water, I wake up and feel better. I was still stressed about everything going on (I'm set to go to college in September, AND my folks are headed to Mexico in about a week, so I'm stressed from those too), but with the first note on the piano, everything faded. All my swirling negative emotions were replaced with a somber peace. I'm still hurt by the last week's revelations, and I'm never going to truly recover (who could?), but I'm moving on. I think my comment on the video describes how I feel best; "The sad yet peaceful feeling this song evokes in me... It's pretty much how I feel today. I feel at peace... or, well, mostly. There's still pain, and there always will be, but I can move on and I'll live. In the future, I'll look back on this last week and feel sad, but that'll be in the future when this is all over with for good, so I can also look back at before it and be happy that those good times happened. Nothing will ever be the same, but such is the way of the world. Saying goodbye is saying hello to the future, and we all need to do that eventually. Who knows what the future may hold? I, for one, can't wait to see. Hello future, and goodbye sadness".

Chuggaaconroy was an inspiration and a light in the sea of darkness for so, so many, and these revelations have snuffed the light he provided out. What I hope is that Emile takes a long, long break from the internet to become the person we all believed him to be, to truly become that bright light in the dark, rather than just another dark figure holding a flashlight. I don't hope for that as a supporter of him as I don't support who he is right now (as if I haven't said it enough), I hope for that as a fellow human who only wishes to see everyone become the best version of themself.

I think this post was exactly what I needed. I've finally gotten everything out in a cohesive (maybe?) and healthy manner, and I'm ready to become my best self. I will be beginning work on YouTube videos tomorrow, and will hopefully be posting Thursdays at 5 PM (in honor of DatPags whom has not uploaded in a long time).

To anyone who finished reading this post, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Please, go become your best self, but do not do so by putting others down. Better yourself and acknowledge your flaws, overcome them, and do not repeat Emile's mistakes. Learn from those around you.

Yours truly,

Cookie_Jar of Tumblr dot com

#music #peaceful yet sad #twitter drama #youtuber #omori #moving on #the end of an era #chuggaaconroy #the runaway guys #trg

13 notes · View notes