#I’m not saying like. to do crazy horrible things though online LOL

[smilestrawbunny]

Hey! Just a heads up, I'm sending this to multiple people, since I wanna get as many different viewpoints on this as I can. I hope this doesn't bother you. Also, this is pretty long.

So, I have a question about gamedev, but more on the marketing/presence side.

Most gamedevs I know, even hobbyist ones, keep their accounts relatively professional. Sure, they may shitpost here and there, but it's mostly in relation to their games, the gamedev sphere in general, or very general inoffensive stuff. And, most importantly, I've seldom seen my favorite gamedevs (or any of my favorite internet personalities, for that matter) comment on random videos unrelated to what type of content they usually post.

All of my social media accounts are quite unprofessional. I've also had them for a long time, so there are a few things on my digital footprint that I'd rather people not see. I also, for lack of a better way of explaining, watch and read random shit and like to leave comments on it sometimes.

I feel like, I were to become a gamedev, I wouldn't be able to do that anymore. I'd have to treat my internet presence as its own balancing act, rather than a place for me to express myself unabashedly. I know this is working under the assumption that I would get big and that people would give a damn about me, but there is always the off chance of that happening. Of a random game you make suddenly blowing up because it hit the algorithm just right. So it's better to be prepared. And even if I don't get that big boom in popularity, I still plan to at least make games consistently enough to build a community of their own. Nothing like, huge, but I really enjoy the idea of people enjoying my work and sharing that enjoyment with others. But I don't want that to cross over into my personal life!

I know that's not an impossible feat, but I feel like it kind of destroys the purpose of the internet for me. To me, it's always been a safe space where I could express myself and easily connect with people with similar viewpoints, but I am now coming to odds with this concept as I consider how I want to become a gamedev.

There's also the side note that I don't wanna rebrand. At least not completely. I don't mind cleaning up my accounts or deleting some old ones, but I've grown very attached to being "Quamai". I can't imagine myself having any other online identity, even if there are some cringy moments attached to it.

So, do you have any advice for my situation? How did you personally go about your own online image, and what do you think is the best course of action?

Thank you in advance!

Oh, I am such a funny person to come to about this- I never let being a game dev stop me from interacting with works I like, haha! Maybe that’s just because I’m a smaller creator, though. Just recently I posted death note fan art, I’m currently working up the courage to post about fandom related ocs, and I’m hosting a game jam encouraging fan works that might be considered “cringy.”

The people who like you and your work will still be there regardless. You can count on that as a fact! So why should you stop yourself from having fun?

Life is far too short to be worried about your public image to such a high degree. Like you said, these are already things that you actively do to express yourself and enjoy! So if it gives you any semblance of comfort, I’ll start doing even more “unprofessional” things to help you out there <3 /pos

#ask #I’m not saying like. to do crazy horrible things though online LOL #obviously I just mean that harmless fun is harmless and you shouldn’t feel embarrassed by it! #if you look at any of your favorite creators they probably have fan art up somewhere #embrace what makes you happy! be self indulgent! it’ll attract like-minded people and overall make you happier <3 #ironically I think this was the push I needed to start posting non game related art so thank you!!!

[sankttealeaf]

Song-Anon here, I’m blushing so hard omg hehehe 👹 I was lil insecure cuz I thought sending a whole lyrics analysis was too much, but if it’s alright I’ll come up with more 😌

I feel my brain rotting away cuz of durgetash and your story mwah 🤌🏻✨ (and I don’t want it to end *sob* let ‘em be happyyy *cries like a baby* he dies in every story 😭😭

(But I get it… angst and canon and all 😖)

I just need someone to be crazy with about them, it’s kinda lonely lol and I cannot for the love of everything hear the “is the, quote, handsome man here with us???” anymore, these idiots online just keep repeating themselves OVER and OVER AGAIN ugh. I expected more deep-thinking abilities from bg3 players 🙂

sry for the rant at the end lol <3

song anon i will eat up ANYTHING u happen to send!!!!<3 it made me so giddy reading through it i still havent stopped thinking abt it all

and i 100% get that. the bg3 fandom as a whole scares me a little so i'm quite happy playing barbies with my silly guys in the far corner and talk to myself about them (also so get that comment about gortash. a part of me dies whenever he gets handsome squidward-ified, please leave him alone 😭) parts of the fandom certainly have... takes... i do not wish to look that way at them i fear they may hunt me for sport because i like the tyrant (i cannot wait to kill him in game tho. i have to do my girl karlach some justice)

i went on a big ramble on twitter today talking about rue + orin and their dynamic + how it ties in with the tadpoling of rue and it truly felt like im yelling into the void (in a good way, i have grown past the need for people to hear me i just have to Talk!!!!!!! brainrot so bad im dreaming about them!!!!!! aaaaaaah!!!!

also thinking about an alternate ending to rue and gortash's story where they can be horrible together (or... dare i say... forced through redemption kicking and screaming). rue's romancing gale in her playthrough (parallels. i need to throw gale and gortash in a room to study them like bugs) but man. the thought of rue still clawing back at her past and going to the one man who knows everything? she'll take a lie if it means she gets to know something about herself

rue my sweet girl... one day you will find peace... not now though you still have things to do

#; tea time #anon #if u ever need anyone to indulge your durgetash thoughts i am Right Here!!! #please. i must discuss them. or i may die. (that last part is a joke i wont)

[shortkingvi]

the team rwby girls for the ask meme :)

alright settle in kids,,,,,,, let's do this one

Ruby:

favorite thing about them

just,,,,,, how good she is,,,,, the way they've managed to portray her growing up super well while also keeping that distinct innocence and childhood optimism about her is what makes ruby such a wonderful protag i think, and i really really love how, at the end of the day, she is just good, you know?

least favorite thing about them

this is moreso a plot/writing thing, but i don't always LOVE how she just has plans ready and is always the one to figure things out,,,,,, i understand plot armour and protag themes and whatnot, but i wish that they'd make the route to a plan a LITTLE more complex at times and i think a lot of that rests on ruby specifically

favorite line

"you were, and then you trained us"

GOD when she said this line????? i screamed it's SO good

brOTP

give me more nora and ruby interactions crwby i'm begging

OTP

nuts n dolts 😭 my beloved

nOTP

aside from the obvious ones? maybe wh*terose??? i don't HATE it, i just don't really get it u know?

random headcanon

enby ruby,,,,,,, also maybe she builds lego too

unpopular opinion

i don't listen to anyone ever so i don't know what's unpopular but uhhhhhh,,,,,, i guess i'm not crazy about people desperately searching for a pairing for her??? as much as i love nnd, i'd much rather ruby have ruby stay single through the show because i just feel like it makes more sense re: her character

also some of the pairings ppl think up are SO bad

song i associate with them

over the line - state champs,,,,,,, i cannot explain it, it just IS

favorite picture of them

her fucking SMUG face when she fell off the bridge i love it

Weiss:

favorite thing about them

man just like,,,,,,, so much,,,,,,, her dedication to PEOPLE in particular is so beautiful. she grew up with not a lot of love expressed freely and so the way she treats the people in her life now that she's grown and found safety is so endearing because she handles everyone with such care

least favorite thing about them

the fact that they haven't given her a dramatic anime protag haircut yet

favorite line

"i don't know loneliness like you do, i have my own version"

had to stop and absorb that one the first time i heard it,,,,,,, oof

brOTP

freezerburn babeyyyyyyyyyyyyy

OTP

schneekos,,,,, i pray to my schneekos shrine every night and am currently planning a fic about them

nOTP

🐝🐝❄️

random headcanon

trans weiss is my big one,,,,,, also she loves baking but is a horrible cook

unpopular opinion

hate it when she sings,,,,,,, this is moreso because i just can't handle characters/actors singing without cringing violently,,,,,,, leave me alone

song i associate with them

VOID - lil nas x,,,,,,, v much introspective weiss, lonely weiss, v4 weiss etc.

bonus: where i wanna be - A R I Z O N A is a weiss to pyrrha schneekos song

favorite picture of them

it's just a really beautifully animated scene

also when u realize that's pyrrha spear it gets way sadder ok bye

Blake:

favorite thing about them

might honestly die trying to answer this because, as much as i don't talk about her indvidually, she's SUCH an excellent character,,,,,,, i think her dedication to her friends and her ability to read emotions is really wonderful and always so refreshing

least favorite thing about them

no kiss yang yet >:(

jk maybe how type b she's become? i'd like to see her take some more leadership roles in the upcoming seasons rather than just kinda going with the flow, because she's a good leader and that should be a plot device that's utilized more

favorite line

"but that's just it... they're only a part of you. don't forget about the rest"

i just love it so much

brOTP

ladybug,,,,,, i LOVE ladybug

OTP

don't have one 😔 wish i did tho :(

nOTP

🐝🐝❄️

random headcanon

blake is an online shopper and has to be controlled by the team because she spends too much on the daily

unpopular opinion

maybe that i don't think she truly recognized and acknowledged her feelings for yang FULLY until like,,,,,,,, v6? i think she was in denial before then

song i associate with them

it's gonna be okay, baby - MUNA,,,,,,, just listen to it and agree with me thanks

favorite picture of them

bestie that's GAY

Yang:

favorite thing about them

GOD,,,,,, i latched onto her so quickly so this is hard but uhhhhh, i love that she effortlessly switches between team mom and team child depending on what role she needs to play at the time,,,,, i think that flexibility makes her the biggest team player in the show (which is all about teams so that's saying something)

least favorite thing about them

how her passion is sometimes seen as straight up brashness or naivety,,,,, i think she's not always the best communicator so it can seem like she's not thinking at times even though she's very methodical

favorite line

"if there's a chance of reward money, i say we go for it"

not my FAVOURITE favourite, but i love that she was willing to sell weiss at the drop of a hat

brOTP

either freezerburn or her and coco

OTP

again,,,,,, wish i had one 😞

nOTP

her and any man,,,,,,, also what i listed above

random headcanon

summer used to do her hair for her which is why she's so sensitive about people touching it now

unpopular opinion

she's not,,,,,, stupid lol and i feel like a lot of the fandom loves to pretend she is

song i associate with them

have you seen my son - benjamin booker

idk man, just trust me on this

favorite picture of them

we peaked right here in this moment

send me a character!

#alright done! god what a journey #also i'm specifically doing non rwby songs for obvious reasons #asks #anon #harrowharkboygf

[elliium]

yeah i mean i don't think the dream team are horrible people or anything (they certainly are not) but they're sometimes SO bad at handling their fanbase (and it doesn't help that their fanbase is already So toxic)

like mccp21 right. you could technically argue that techno wilbur grian and solidarity were cheated out of a win because they only lost by 2 points and wilbur wasn't able to play during parkour tag. but compared to mcc14, i couldn't really see anyone from wilbur's or techno's fanbase who was genuinely mad at all? like obviously people were upset because it was so close but no one was seriously attacking scott or anything. my twitter timeline is almost entirely wilbur fans along with some techno fans and no one was doing the general toxic stan stuff, it was actually very suprising. (techno himself also said twice not to attack anyone and that it was just for charity and fun so that probably helped)

contrast that with what happened in mcc14 and like ........ yikes. hell, compare that to what happened right before mccp21 when people found out dream wasnt in it. people are still actively hating on scott and hbomb and it's so upsetting to see. i'm in a twitter gc and most of the time they're wonderful, but before the teams were announced it was like. almost all "oh my god imagine george is in a team with techno, scott and hbomb 💀 id die" and like . bruhhhh

idk its hard cause dream is someone i genuinely loved watching but a ton of that is soured just by the horrible fanbase and how badly he controls them sometimes. i'm already dreading what will happen if red rabbits don't win ..

(sorry for the rant this i just am so Frustrated with it like . damn. its minecraft guys can we just chill out.)

honestly the rant is welcomed if you ever need to rant come back LOL!! i absolutely agree with you! i say all the time that obviously the dream team can’t control all of their followers because it’s literally impossible. i do think that they could do things to try to control them though. one thing is maybe talk about personal/problematic things…. offline? crazy idea but not everything needs to be said online.

i think it stems from dream and sapnap being ultra competitive whereas other cc’s like wilbur aren’t as competitive. i just do think that a simple explanation of “guys this is a for fun event and we love hbomb! we’re saying this as all a joke it’s funny hahah” which is more techno/wilbur’s style of saying things to their fans is a lot better/more respected and well received by their community than dream/sapnap’s style of “obviously don’t send hate guys”. i wouldn’t have blamed wilbur if he’d have said guys make them wait for me it’s not fair if i’m not playing you have to make them wait (which i can’t help but think dream would’ve done LMAO sorry dream flashbacks of mcc where he got stuck in SOT and the mcc where battlebox got reset😭) but the responses to different CCs is crazy. it’s like dreams fans like to treat him as a victim of targeting so they feel the need to defend him to no ends: see parkour warrior being removed LMA9 (i am a dream fan. i’m half making fun of myself.)

ultimately i can’t blame them Really too much because they absolutely can’t control their full fanbase. but i just think that they should learn to handle things better! get a social media manager or let out your feelings in therapy or something! the mcc14 stream was the worst way to handle things and no person who didn’t want hate sent to another cc would’ve done that, they would’ve ended the stream. really though there are a lot of factors that played into it, it’s just in bad taste looking back.

i think in regards to mcc15 if dream or ranboo’s team don’t win, there’ll be hell on twitter tbh. just look at the qrts of the hermit team - if anyone who isn’t a twitter favourite golden boy doesn’t win we’re in for another war 😭

#idk if that makes sense i just sort of wrote what i though #thought* #ask :) #i think i ranted a bit too much

[deathvsthemaiden]

ok wait after u sent me that ask i have to know ur top books!!! dw if u don't feel like it but i would love to hear them 🌷

This is so sweet and considerate! Thank you Eva, you gave me 5 so I’ll try to keep it to that # as well 💖🐰 off the top of my head:

🌷 The Stormlight Archive series, especially the second book, Words of Radiance. Stormlight is like 4 books + 2 novellas right now, and is projected to be 10 books and ???novellas eventually. And on top of that each main book is 1000+ pages and while you can read Stormlight on its own, most of the other books by the author, Brandon Sanderson, are part of this larger fictional universe called the cosmere. Each series takes place on a different planet, and if you are invested in the whole cosmere, there’s Easter egg references to other series in other series. So like! While I rec these books often, most people understandably don’t take me up on it wgshshh 🤭 Sanderson’s non-Stormlight books are all MUCH shorter but also much more flawed imo. Like I wouldn’t count him among my favorite authors were it not for Stormlight. anyway I’m a die hard fantasy fan so the length didn’t deter me, and I picked these up because a friend told me the world building in these books was genuinely unique instead of the typical very lazy maps composed of like. Fantasy Russia and its hostile mysterious neighbors Fantasy General East Asia and Fantasy Africa lol. and she was right! The world building is exquisite and refreshing and almost every character is canonically of color. They live in a society with an eye color based caste system and it’s.., so hard to sum up this massive series with four main characters and a ridiculous(ly fun) amount of plot lines, so I’ll cut this short and say 1) the first book, The Way of Kings, is highly expository but the ending is so so worth it, and if you enjoy the ending you’ll find merit in continuing with the series 2) Words of Radiance is my favorite book so far partially because I haven’t read the newest, Rhythm of War, yet, and also because it’s the book with the most scenes that solidified Kaladin Stormblessed (one of the main characters) as one of my favorites of all time. Another one of the best things about this series is how Brandon Sanderson portrays mental health in very natural ways, and it makes Kaladin’s growth so incredibly soothing to follow (I MEAN. He has low points that sometimes hit too close to home, but it makes you root for him harder) he really is just. Truly my definition of a hero, if we wanna get cheesy about it, and I had to pick one solid example. I love him so much this isn’t even the tip of the iceberg as to why 😭!

🌷Jane Eyre. Silly frivolous teenaged girl that I am this book swept me off my feet when I first read it and I condone every problematic aspect of it❤️ (I DONT ofc but like! I love drama and being played like a fiddle by narratives and the book delivered on both fronts! And it couldn’t have without its unsavory plot twist soooo 😙💖) (the hate this book and especially one specific character gets is funny to me just because like. Hate for the former (imo) usually stems from people taking the book too seriously while simultaneously missing the point (JE and du Maurier’s Rebecca (highly influenced by the former) are oft considered loose Bluebeard retellings for a reasonnnn!) and hate for the latter is usually just like. Warranted and then taken over the top like... he’s just a fake funny little man you guys :( and the book would’ve been boring if he wasn’t so twisted and out of touch and passionate ): not to mention I do personally in a mean ish way think it’s funny how for some people this character is one of the worst examples of men they can imagine. Like good for Them! I don’t want them to have lower standards for horribleness in people But also omg 🤭 it just reminds me of how... irony of all ironies, I’m semi frequently told I’m too harsh on real life men and then when I love twisted ones in books (for being funny and entertaining and good solid characters) I like. get the most interesting side eyes (whether figurative or literal) bwjswnhshe anyway I have nothing against Austen, I definitely enjoy her, but from what I’ve read so far, I prefer the Brontës a lot more... I need adventure! Show me horror show me rot etc etc❤️ also I’m. A stupid sucker so the fact that the book was Charlotte Brontë’s attempt to write a plain looking lady protagonist and to make her praiseworthy and virtuous and worthy of spellbinding romance makes me... 💗💓💕

🌷Keturah and Lord Death — Martine Leavitt. I haven’t seen it officially stated anywhere but to me it’s p clear this book is a retelling of/highly inspired by Godfather Death (the Grimm tale) Very simple, predictable but effective plot, and the characters are just. So much fun. From my url you can probably tell I love stories in which women (or anyone but you know. Death and the Maiden is its own trope for a reason) outsmart/face off against death. If they also k*ss, when done right, I think that’s swell as well.

🌷A Thousand Splendid Suns — Khalid Hosseini. By far the heaviest book I will mention in this ask, and I don’t rec it willy nilly for that and a few other reasons. It’s a forever fave to me because I read it at the exact right time in my life, where I was like... noticing a ton of things irl and things at home were tumultuous, and when I saw very similar things unfold in this book while I was being silenced and made to feel crazy by the adults around me, it meant so much to me to see reality as I was experiencing it in real time reflected back at me via this novel. The context of the story is wildly different from my own life and the stakes the characters face are far higher, and it is if I remember right mostly a novel about the horrors of war, which isn’t something I pretend to have any firsthand experience with, but! It was legitimately cathartic to read when I read it, and it especially meant a lot to me at the time that the author was a grown man. Not to mention how my mother is not and never has been a reader, and somehow the one and only book I ever managed to get her to read was this. Hilariously she got mad at me for only (“only”) reading depressing things (there’s... a grain of truth to that but she doesn’t need to know! 🤫) but also... she was hooked I could tell! (I got all tmi explaining this one gag I’m so sorry)

🌷A Slight Trick of the Mind — Mitch Cullin. Retirement-era Holmes! Holmes as an old man! A sad old man who keeps bees!! It’s the novel the movie Mr. Holmes was based off of (haven’t seen it yet) and I was not expecting it to get me all sentimental like it did 🤨😪 but anyway it’s like. A prolonged character study and explores some of the most interesting (to me, anyway) parts of Holmes that are only lightly touched upon in canon, like his occasionally huge follies when navigating his few close relationships and how he copes with them afterwards, his fatigue at the random injustice of the world, how he’s often mistaken both by characters that surround him and people irl as a man without feelings, etc etc. like there’s no Dr. Watson or Mrs. Hudson in this book, and the people he interacts with are almost entirely original characters, but as I listened to the audiobook it barely occurred to me to miss Watson and Hudson (I know! 😦) and the author’s original characters interacted with Holmes so believably that I sometimes forgot they weren’t ever Doyle’s. Def recommend to any flexible Holmes fan that’s not a total stickler for canon (though you don’t actually have to know much about Holmes to read this book and enjoy it! 🐝)

🌷Sleepless — Sarah Vaughn + Leila del Luca. I began with the longest book, so let me end with the shortest. It’s a 2 volume long graphic novel series and that it’s so short is the only long standing, legitimate complaint I have of it! Gorgeous art, really effectively written romance, a dark skinned girl who gets to be the proactive, lively protagonist and stunning, pined after love interest at the same time, a cast of characters that is majority of color, the perfect %-age of drama and angst etc etc. if you can find it via your library or online or smth, you can knock it out in one sitting and leave the experience eternally altered in the funnest way 👁👄👁

Honorable mentions: The Botany of Desire — Michael Pollan, Troubling Love — Elena Ferrante, The Girl from the Garden — Parnaz Foroutan

#asks #book recs #wasn’t sure if you’d read Jane Eyre before so I was vague abt it qgzhshshs #long post

[iammarriedtothemusic]

hi! i just saw your post about josh and wanted to clear one thing up! tw sa : li3 was written over 3 years ago, way before any allegations, so it's not about that (it is however about a friend that was speaking badly about him) and as for the allegations, there's no case because there's no victims. only two were ever made (people say 3 but no ones ever found the third, or they say its him dating liv, which hasn't been confirmed) but both actual allegations have been debunked with those screenshots you have in your post. rina shippers (this is confirmed as the rina that was caught admitted to it being a small group) made them up out of anger at him for whatever reason, and they took the opportunity when many celebrities were being accused online of sa (riverdale cast, 5sos, harry styles etc all debunked as of right now) i really can't imagine being accused of such a thing, i feel so bad for him, especially after his experience at such an awful youth theater group that he was in (look up cyt, there's so many horror stories) but i just wanted to come and tell you thank you for your thread, seeing all that negativity must've been hard

Hi!! I'm so sorry for replying so late to your asks, ever since my first post defending Sabrina, I've actually been receiving a lot of nasty asks so I don't normally check it. Also, I had major exams this month which was why I kind of stopped logging in here for a bit.

I was told that too, Lx3 was originally written about this friend who spread false allegations against him. It's the same thing with Sabrina's, actually, most parts of Skin were already written back in 2020 because everyone was pretty much coddling her (her music was more mature in Singulars, and everyone went crazy that she's singing about sex LOL) but most of the hate she got if I remember correctly actually came from dating this problematic actor. I kind of hate how the drama took both of these songs and spun exaggerated narratives to make them fit into some drama that will entertain them and make them feel like their heroes for sending so much hate and threats to both Sab and Josh. I think that's part of the reason why I'm so pissed about the drama, because everyone had their fun bullying two innocent people for no good reason at all.

That's horrible! I'm not a fan of Joshua Basset so I wasn't really updated a lot about him. I have a friend who is though who kindly explained to me most of the things in the thread but he wasn't too updated either with the SA thing so I had to exert extra research on that which I admittedly didn't find much clarification on, I don't really trust most celebrity articles, so this ask is very helpful!

I honestly hate how so many girls are tainting the #MeToo movement with that, they're a HUGE part of the reason why actual victims who do come out with their story to the internet because the justice system can't help them aren't taken all too seriously. Honestly, shame on them!

I'm actually really surprised how ruthless the internet is with sending so much hate to this man to the point of spreading false rumors about him and invalidating his sexuality. This must've been a tough year for him, I'm just hoping he could rise from all of these and come out strong. He seems like a nice guy and the internet is honestly just so cruel I feel so bad for him.

Thanks again for this ask and the clarification! Have a great day!! :)))

#joshua bassett #measks

[themelodicenigma]

Some things in fandom culture feels like a double-edged sword to me.

As much as I do believe people should be able to express things of their own accord for a series and its "contextual elements", whether this be about a character, character relationships, the story, artwork, analytical things, etc. And do so openly, in the same space as some who might disagree with them....well, at the same time, I still also believe it DOES matter about what exactly is being represented through a fan's words in a certain platform.

Misrepresentation of content and the ability to address it, if even to simply have a discussion, is VERY important. Especially if concerning the evasion of misinformation. But somehow, this is tricky. And honestly, it feels like this is mostly due to the fact that people really DON'T want to actually talk about these things. They just want to be right, be surrounded by people that believe they're right, or simply want to be left alone even when being susceptible to open discussion by, well openly speaking their mind.

Yeah. It's tricky. Because, I get it.

Shipping-related topics is a corner (a rather large one) where this happens often. Often does the person who celebrates their ship doesn't want to hear an opposer interrupt this with their own thoughts. Similarly, if one is talking negatively about a character, they don't want to hear it from someone who is ready to defend this.

What is or isn't canonical, what makes something canonical, why and how are supplemental materials created, Goku being a bad father, Tifa being a "fan service" character or toxic in Advent Children, Riku being gay because he cares for Sora, Sora and Kairi having romanticism, Fang and Vanille being lesbians, Cloud not having romanticm with Aerith, Aerith not giving a shit about Zack, FFXV being a horrible story, etc. etc. etc. And all in reverse, as well.

People want to say it, say anything even in opposition, but they don't want to talk about it. Double edge.

Many fans can be so set in a way that, despite speaking their thoughts in an open forum and platform, they're not willing to ACTUALLY discuss what they say. They feel they shouldn’t have to, you're invading their space, and are blind to the "truth", so talking is a waste of time.

Now, somewhere there in that last bit, I can understand it. You shouldn't have the same discussion with someone who is unmovable in their thoughts. If everyone said what they had to say, then move on, anything after that is typically a waste of time and energy, and can cause unnecessary grief in fandom space that can last for years. FFVII and the LTD sends its regards, and then some.

Sometimes, it isn't worth talking to someone about things.

However, in the long run, depending on context (time, place, type of discussion, etc.), I can't believe this is the best method for really the overall fandom communities online. We can certainly practice good habits of engaging in conversation and accepting that someone doesn't really want to talk

That should be fine fundamentally. And of course, creative content isn't the place for this. They're not making a statement or starting a discussion, they're drawing a kickass picture or writing some fics. Too many people nowadays feel compelled to go under a fanart of an opposed ship and talk about how much this ship sucks....really?

However, in the event people are speaking their mind, I also think we should still encourage people to address their views as well, that it's OKAY to disagree or to see things differently as we understand this in the most fundamental ways of differences in human thought. The epistemology of fandom thought can't be achieved if we're not willing to understand each other, on how we think, and why we think the way we do about things. And that, if you DO care about people understanding you, you need to be able to really talk about it. It's okay if you're not even the most articulate person, and you don't have to be a crazy typer like me and write a whole story. That's something I'm still working on in regards to my own communication skills, cause if you've followed me for awhile, you know I type too much. Lol

We tend to make a rigid line between what is "good or bad" takes that are worth even speaking against. That like, even if someone is wrong, as long as the nature of what they say is something positive, it's immune from criticism.

I just can't agree with this.

Misrepresentation is misrepresentation.

And if that's what you believe is happening, then approach the ways in which to start a healthy discussion on it.

This is fandom, this is OUR space, and even though it's built upon a source material, what happens here is on us. For us. Through us. And like, if I feel like someone projects something that is objectively wrong, I'm going to want to talk about it. If the other party doesn't, that's fine, but I don't believe that's because I shouldn't have tried to at all.

Granted, this is different than stalking the tags of opposition, or seeing someone make jokes about a character on Twitter, even if on an official account of the source material. If they are joking.

Of course, there's a tact and a time and place to discuss certain things, along with the nuances of ways of discussing things for particular types of convos. And like, people should be able to have spaces where they indulge in how they feel about the content in their own way.

But, if what you're saying, even as someone who wants to be left alone except by people who agree with you, is done in a way that is more than just a personal expression and is a statement of what represents any of the "contextual elements" mentioned...

Maybe we should be more open to someone not agreeing with you and just, you know, discuss. Hubris shouldn't get in the way of that.

#fandom #shipping #discussion #kingdom hearts #final fantasy

[noonymoon]

You Have Been Lied To #4

hello again!

in the first few posts we have talked about

how the public narrative is carefully constructed by a global elite

how our entire perception of our past and how we came to be was shaped throughout history

how the myths and stories about a great flood and giants throughout all the cultures are real

how there are children going missing in massive amounts

and why they are going missing 1 & 2 

while i am not at all hurt on a personal level by the fact that many people start to unfollow me - i really don't care for status, fame, pleasure, distraction, an online-reputation, or ANYTHING at all anymore -, i am really saddened that only a fragment of people care for the Truth. the only thing i can do is keep going and pray that people will wake up in time. many others have begun to wake up (a lot of people woke up because of the Qanon movement but i am not a Qanon).

in this post today, i'm going to shed light on what Nazi-Germany actually was. i personally didn't dig deep into my own research because i am entirely overloaded with all kinds of researches and Hitler is not really my favourite topic in the world. but i've read a great book that pulls from many well-researched sources, plus i am using my common sense. when you can count 2+2 together and it makes sense, you know that ist is the Truth. the 2+2 we are going to look at today is the following:

- we've learned that the mainstream media and the entertainment media serves mainly two agendas: 1. to keep the truth away from us, and 2. to shape our perception of WHAT is possible, what is fantasy, what is truth and what is just too crazy to be real. right?

so, according to this parameter, let me ask you the question: why do you think there are SO MANY movies and works about the Nazis being deep into occult knowledge and into mystical artifacts? Captain America: Civil War, Hellboy, Wolfenstein, the Indiana Jones series, Iron Sky, The Keep, and many others are part of this concealing of Truth. the reason why Hollywood wants us to believe that this thought is too fantastical and too absurd to be real is that the Nazis truly had religious interest in the occult.

here is a brief overview about the topic 

there are quotes by Hitler himself which make one think what the heck did he mean by that...? (looking at it from a public narrative perspective ofc)

according to what i've learned Hitler was a huge follower of the teachings of Madam Helena Blavatsky - who founded Theosophy, basically the doctrine where the New Age movement gets pretty much all its ideas, and on which all the secret societies are founded: the Knights Templar, Golden Dawn, Freemasons, Rosicrucians, Ordo Templi Orientis, Illuminati and many more.

this image alone speaks volumes once you realize what’s being communicated.

the Lemurians? the Atlanteans? THE ARYANS? after breaking the veil of deception that is around all of us, it couldn't be more obvious that Hitler was deep in the occult knowledge that was brought forth by Theosophy in 1875. it simply does not make sense at all that Hitlers only goal was to create a race that "has blonde hair and blue eyes" (though it plays a tiny role in this as well). Hitler truly believed with all his rotten heart that there is a race that is superior to regular humans. this religious belief burned in him and his Nazis like an insane fire and they went on a lot of expeditions around the world to find more occult knowledge and also a very specific thing which i am not mentioning yet.

there are a ton of actual real photos of Hitler and his Nazis in Tibet visiting the monks, and also Hitler in the Antarctica (which is a whole rabbit hole for itself but that one is really crazy *lol*) and whatever you've heard in the public why Hitler went to these places, it is not the Truth.

when i was still in this witchy community on here, i often saw posts that basically told Nazis to f*ck off and stop using Runes. back then i had no concept of why any Nazi would use the nordic runes except maybe the superficial thought of "Germans are germanics are nordics" or whatever *lol*, the Truth is, in Hitlers quest to unlock as much as occult knowledge as possible, he also visited Iceland and studied the Nordic Edda. [ Hitlers goddaughter was also named Edda, just throwing this in here ] - Guido von List (an Austrian living in Germany) was apparently the first one to assign mystical meanings to the nordic runes and founding an occult Religion named Wotanism, he died in 1919.

another thing i want to point out is the Swastika. you probably know that the Swastika is pretty much an ancient symbol and appears in ALL kinds of cultures of this world. there is a reason for this that goes deep beyond any regular comprehension, but the public narrative is that Hitler simply stole this symbol and made it a Nazi-Germany symbol, but the truth goes much, much, much deeper than that.

of course we can pretend like all of these connections are just "coincidences" and of course we can cling to the public narrative that is telling us lies, lies, lies. i dearly encourage everyone who wants to know the Truth about this world to start researching. in all of the previous posts i've mentioned and linked really good starting points. you don't have to be a Christian or believe in Jesus in order to find out about the world we live in (though, after discovering all of the pieces and puzzling them together, the most logical thought for me was to literally RUN towards Jesus and i know this is different for everybody but i am praying for you to find Him). i know a lot of this sounds crazy and flat-out foil-hat-kind of way. but always remember that this image of the Truth is on purpose. people who dig into the Truth get out-cast, people who discover the Truth and want to wake other people up are being labelled as wrong and crazy, get silenced, get threatened, get assassinated.

to say it in Hitlers very words: "Truth is not what is; Truth is what people believe it to be" .... sadly, that is very true in our society today. everyone just picks and chooses what they want to believe and there is no concept anymore of ultimate Truth because we are being lied to from each and every side. and i know this sounds radical and Noony how can you say something like this, and so on and so forth, i really GET IT. i understand that it sounds radical, i understand that it isn't what people WANT to hear. you can condemn me all that you want, i really do not care anymore, this is way too important than setting my own comfort above it. Truth is truth, and lies are lies.

one of my favourite scriptures in the Bible is "And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." --- John 8:32 ... it could NOT be MORE accurate. it's actually mindblowing how relevant and true these thousand year old words are, especially today. i've never felt so light and free and happy and sane EVER before in my entire life. i've quit my psychopharmacy drugs a while ago (i've been taking prescription drugs for more than 10 years) and my life is looking just bright and wonderful right now, and this even though i almost died in April, still recovering from it. i am more courageous, more filled with love, more motivated, more friendly, more calm, my household is doing just fine, everything is clean and neat, i am doing my chores, my plants are thriving, and even though i am literally ALONE 24/7 (real life AND online) i never ever feel lonely. and i am living with wide open eyes and even though this world is HORRIBLE, i am peaceful now. the Truth really DOES make you free. i've stopped with all kinds of toxic things, from sugar to drugs, you name it. i don't crave neither stimulation nor attention anymore. it's incredible. i can only recommend it. what God and his prophets also foretold over 2000 years ago that it would be EXACTLY like this. "evil will be considered good, and good will be considered evil" - people who speak the truth and do the good deeds will be demonized by the masses.

doing witchcraft and magic and believing in the New Age NEVER felt evil because i was never harming anyone. and i am pretty sure that 99,5% of you people on here feel the exact same way. we are being conditioned by the entertainment media to believe that magic is wonderful, innocent and curious. Disney is doing a GREAT job easing little children into the concepts of magic and fantasy. and i know most of all people never harm anyone with their magic. and God didn't forbid us to do magic because he doesn't want us to have fun or to have a spiritual life, or because he thinks we don't deserve any of the things we can do for ourselves magically. God will HAPPILY provide each and every need of us. the reason why God forbid his people to practice magic, sorcery, divination and witchcraft is to protect us from being deceived. now, a lot of people will rebel mentally, and that's okay, i was the same way. before you haven't discovered the truth and combined all of the puzzle pieces, it really just doesn't make a lot of sense, is really provoking and sounds bad. i was really wrestling with all this myself. now, i am grateful to the Lord that this wrestling process ended up in me being OPEN to what He has to say, and discovering the Truth instead of rebelling and living a lie any further. Praise God for not giving up on me with my stubbornness.

today, i've listened to an interview with the Illuminati Defector that i've mentioned in an earlier post, who was going to be one of the highest ranks in the Illuminati (Queen Mother of Darkness). her name is Jessie Czebotar and she has made it her mission to bring light to this worldwide matter and help survivors being rescued. please listen to some of her interviews, it’s mind-blowing what she has to say.

honestly, when you realize how EVIL these people are and that they ARE witches and druids and that they USE the occult and witchcraft and magic on an EXTREMELY high and incredible level, the LAST thing you WANT is to continue doing the same thing. like. i am not judging anyone here, truly. because we simply do not know what's going on. but when you suddenly realize that EVIL PEOPLE like Hitler, like the Illuminati and the Freemasons and all of these secret occult societies did and ARE doing the same thing of which WE regular people think it's no big deal and it's okay, you simply wanna run, run, run from it as far as you possibly can. at least this is how i feel about it. i am not forcing anyone to believe me, i am simply encouraging you to at least find out why i am saying all these things to you, and then decide for yourself.

Jesus said that we will know them by their fruits. a good tree can only create good fruit and a bad tree can only create bad fruit. a good tree can not create bad fruit and a bad tree can not create good fruit. it's really quite simple.

God bless the ones that read this with an open mind.

#history of germany #occultism #theosophy #God bless the truth

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #374

“doctor, doctor, won’t you please prescribe me something?  /  a day in the life of someone else...”

Does someone have a crush on you but you don’t feel the same way? No. Who do you feel most beautiful around? No one. What’s one makeup item you cannot live without? I could live without any makeup. What’s the most expensive thing you own? My snake, I think. Or my laptop, idr. Are you more of a book person or a TV person? Book. Relationship status? Single. What color are most of your clothes? Black. Did you french kiss before you were 16? No, I was 16. Last song you listened to? "The Heretic Anthem" by Slipknot. Would you ever go back to any of your past relationships? Yes. What’s your favorite thing about life? That's a big question. I guess seeing acts of mass love and kindness, reminders that we're all in this together through all hardships. Who pays for the first date? Whoever asked the other person out, imo. Who has always been there for you? My mom. Have you ever written on a wall? No, at least not to my memory. Do you play any computer games, if so, what ones? I think anyone who reads these by now knows, haha. I don't much play anything else. I prefer console games. What would you name a baby boy if you had one? Probably Damien or Victor. What would you name a baby girl if you had one? Alessandra, no questions asked. What lyric means the most to you? I mean there's tons, but the first one that came to mind is "for such a little thing, you sure are in your own way" from "Get Up" by Mother Mother. Like in the big picture, we humans are so so so minuscule, but with brains that are too complicated for our own good. It's my own head that creates so many obstacles for me. Who is the smartest person you know? Probably my friend Girt. Have your parents ever been to jail? No. Do you share a bed with anyone? My cat, haha. Does it flatter you when guys open doors for you? It's flattering if anyone does, not just guys. Do you enjoy taking naps? Yeah. That's like part of my daily routine. If your friend asked you to hold their drugs, would you? Nope. Is there anyone you try to be a good influence for? My nieces and nephew, but I don't feel like I am. I'm a poor example of an adult. Do you own a pair of fishnets? No, but I have a pair of fingerless fishnet gloves. Which do you prefer: french toast, bagels, pancakes, waffles, bacon or cereal? All are great, but french toast. Yes or no: eyebrow piercings? I'd actually have one if I didn't have glasses. I think I'd look weird with one as I look now. When I say "The Beatles," what is the first song that comes to mind? "Hey, Jude." In your opinion, what is the very worst type of weather? Extremely hot and humid. You can only listen to one band for the rest of your life, who do you pick? Ozzy Osbourne, of course. Can you snap with both of your hands? Yeah, but it's harder with my left. What is something that you had to learn the hard way? For some people, promises don't mean shit. If you could re-paint your bedroom, what color would you paint it? Maybe like a light peach. When was the last time you got butterflies? I think not since Sara told me I look really pretty in eyeliner. ;_; <3 When was the last time you felt like your heart was actually breaking? There was this one time I was listening to "The Ghost of You" by MCR a while after finding out about Jason's mom's death and I just like... broke. When’s the last time you were in a line? When I was getting my second COVID shot. Do you trust the media? HA! Fuck no. If you could kill off one species of animal, which would it be? At first I was appalled by this question, but like... do wasps serve a purpose? Of all fauna, they annoy me the most. I mean bees are already endangered enough, and they prey on them. They don't pollinate, so like... why are you here. I may be mistaken and they have a valuable role, in which case I take all this back. Who’d you last say I love you to? My mom. What’s the most overpaid job in your opinion? I have on idea. Most jobs are underpaid. What’s the last thing you wrote down? I was doing some paperwork at the TMS office on my first day there. When’s the last time you heard a gunshot? I don’t know. What are you looking forward to? Now that my tattoo (which looks fucking stunning, by the way) is out of the way, I can focus on other things. I'm particularly looking forward to hopefully seeing the results of TMS manifest (which should take 3-4 weeks). It sounds horrible, but I'm also keenly awaiting this dog we're stuck with to go somewhere... The person who gave her to my sister to give my mom won't take the dog back, and we can't find another option that doesn't risk her being euthanized, which we absolutely do not want. We just don't know what to do, but she's driving Mom and me INSANE. Do you listen to online radio stations? No. Have you ever done something sexual that you regret? No. Have you ever said anything to the last person you kissed that you regret? Multiple things. Have you ever ate so much you puked? Ugh, no. That sounds awful. Do you care about what others think of your physical appearance? Very much, sadly. Would you rather eat cookies or brownies? I gotta say brownies. Which YouTuber have you learned the most from? I mean, this depends on the subject. From Mark, I've learned most about life and how (I think) to be a good person, but there's a lot of pet channels I watch that have taught me loads about proper husbandry. This answer just depends on what knowledge you're talkin' about. Who would you want to be the flower girl at your wedding? Probably a niece. Do you want to be married within the next ten years? It'd be nice. Do you feel like your life is too fast-paced, or do you wish it were busier? Ugh, I wish it was busier. My days are a COMPLETE, routine drag. What are some hobbies which you want to pick up? I want to just be more artsy. I wanna draw and write more, and I'd love love love to be in healthy enough shape to handle going on walks with my camera. There are sometimes I miss editing videos, too. I'm unsure about completely new hobbies. Does anyone encourage you to go after your dreams? My family and a few friends. Oh, and definitely my psychiatrist. What group are you most active in on Facebook? None, really. I mostly just observe. Are you ashamed of anything? A number of things. Primarily not having a job at my age or even being in school. What were your favorite Disney rides as a kid? I loved Splash Mountain, I think it was called. What were your favorite rides at Cedar Point? Never been. What are some places you want to visit that you’ve never been? South Africa, Alaska, Canada, Yellowstone National Park, Bahamas, Venice, Rome... What are some places that you’ve been that you’d like to go to again? Disney World, Chicago, and this one super clear lake I swam in once a few hours away that I don't recall the name of. Have you ever owned a succulent? No. While they're pretty, I've never been much of a plant person. Do you support small businesses? I REALLY want to start doing that more when I have the option to buy my own stuff/have my own income. As someone who wants to be a freelance photographer, I get it. Starting an independent business is hard as hell. If a brand were to sponsor you, which brand(s) would you prefer? Uhhh I dunno. Have you read the entire Bible? No. Do you make bucket lists for each season? No. That does sound kinda fun, though. How old were you when you first dyed your hair? I have no idea. Do you dye your hair regularly? No. :/ I desperately want to, though. It's just not something we can afford to spare cash on. What is the most comfortable type of pants, in your opinion? Pajama pants? haha Do you think you could ever be famous? No. I'm way too boring and don't want to be anyway. What are some jobs you’ve had in the past? Sales associate, cashier, and deli worker. None lasted long whatsoever. What are some jobs you want to or would like to have? List five. FIVE? I don't know. I just know I want to be a photographer. Well, being an artist or poet would be very cool. And a reptile breeder, maybe tarantulas, too, but that makes me kinda nervous with JUST how many babies they have. What are some jobs you have considered? In rough order from youth to now: paleontologist, vet, movie director, game designer, author/poet, artist, music video editor, wildlife biologist, photographer... Maybe there's more that just aren't coming to me. Are you thankful for social media, or do you wish it didn’t exist? Depends on the day for me, but I'm generally thankful for it so I can keep up with the lives of people who are important to me. It's just that it's a breeding ground for self-doubt and rampant comparisons that can easily depress me when I see some people are "further ahead" and more "established" than me. What are some of the best medications you’ve ever had? The combined efforts of Latuda and Lamictal saved my life. What was a video you watched over and over as a kid? There were lots of movies, like The Lion King, a certain Barney one when I was very young, and I watched Finding Nemo like crazy. Do you know a lot of people who were loving, and then turned cold? Jason????????????????? Is that you??????????????????????????????????????????? Do you own anything plaid? Ha, what a coincidence, I'm wearing my red plaid pj pants. Are you good at remembering names? Definitely not. Have the cops ever gotten on to you for anything before? No. What email thingy do you use? (yahoo, gmail, rock) ... Rock? lol anyway my main is Hotmail, but I inevitably have a gmail to have a YouTube account. What game system(s) do you own? PS2, Wii, Nintendo DS Lite, and a GameBoy Advance. Are you any good at Guitar Hero? I used to be; I played most songs on Expert, then some really tough ones on Hard. I was soooooo addicted to those games. I remember when I got the first one for Christmas, I literally played it all day. Have you ever played Call of Duty? Nah, not my jam. What is your favorite/most visited website? YouTube. Is your bed comfortable? Sure. I've definitely had way worse. Do you have a garage? No. Fun fact, I've never lived in a house with one. Should you be doing anything right now? What? There's a number of things I could be doing that are definitely more productive, like finishing decorating my damn room. Do doctors or dentists make you more nervous? Not really. I only ever get nervous to hear my weight at the doctor's. Did you ever think you were about to die before? I don't quite know. When I ODed, it was more like I didn't care if I did. Have you ever really had a near death experience? Was it cool? "Was it cool." Literally fuck off. I guess you could technically consider my OD a "near death experience," especially given how many pills I took, yet I somehow experienced almost no ill symptoms. Maybe because we got to the ER for fluids quickly enough, idk. I'm just glad I didn't die. What is your favorite kind of weather? Snowy! Like a steady snowfall of large flakes with no breeze and total silence. *chef's kiss* Ever tasted beer? Ugh, no. Just the smell makes me sick. It was my dad's drink of choice when he was an alcoholic so I just have a very negative association with it. Have you ever seen a dead body? Yes, at an open-casket wake. Ever poured salt on a slug? As kids, my sisters and I would get our parents to do it because they grossed us out. So, so cruel. I still have this weird but pretty extreme phobia of them, but I wouldn't torture the things like that.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''don't let me get me'' by p!nk

[antimatterpod]

Transcript - 72. What About Manperson?

This transcript is SO LARGE that the first eight attempts to share it broke Tumblr. (Tumblr, sweetheart, it’s a plain text file, if Usenet and dial-up could handle it, I’m sure you can cope.)

You can listen to the original episode here.

Anika: Welcome to Antimatter Pod, a Star Trek podcast where we discuss fashion, feminism, subtext and subspace, hosted by Anika and Liz. This week, we're taking a trip back to 1977 to discuss a write up of a panel on 'feminism in Treklit'.

Liz: And I pushed for this one because I promised us [an episode about] zines, and I had misremembered where the zine archive was. And then I stumbled across this essay, and it was so interesting and wild, and I figured we could probably get some discussion out of it.

Anika: Absolutely. I just want to start by saying that 'Treklit' is the cutest little word ever.

Liz: I know!

Anika: 'Treklit'. I love it so much.

Liz: And there's no, "Oh, no, we mustn't call it literature. It's just fan fiction" about it. Because there were no tie-in novels back then, there were just a handful of novelizations and so forth. So go for it, ladies!

Anika: Really bad ones, too.

Liz: Yeah, yeah.

Anika: I've read those. They're bad.

Liz: The panelists in this discussion were Sharon Ferraro, who was a zine publisher, fic writer and con organizer, and Jean Lorrah, a fic writer, novelist and editor, who would go on to write tie-in fiction, including The Vulcan Academy Murders and the TNG novel Survivors, which we discussed in our tie-in fiction episode. And this panel took place at SekwesterCon in 1976. It was tape-recorded by one fan and written up by the [convention] organizers for a zine.

Anika: Which is also adorable.

Liz: I know! And it sounds like just the whole room got into it. And it was so interesting! I can only imagine the drama if this panel was held today, because they sit down and start calling out authors and fics by name and title. And one of the authors stands up and argues back. And it's just wildly interesting, and a snapshot of fandom, and fic writing fandom, at the time.

Anika: Amazing. You put that note, you know, "Can you imagine if this panel was held today," and I was thinking about it, I was like, it sort of is, but it's in social media and in comments.

Liz: Yeah.

Anika: But like, even there, there's not really so much of a -- there's a lot of discourse, you know how we use that word now, "discourse", sort of to mean something completely different than what it actually means.

But if there's that there's still sort of this, etiquette to it, I would say. If someone leaves you a nasty comment on a fic and you didn't ask for it, everybody will come in and say, "That was inappropriate, you shouldn't have done that."

And even online, if you're going to say, "Oh, I've just read this horrible Star Trek fan fiction, it was so bad and so ridiculous," like you don't use the names and you don't link to it. You protect the anonymity of the person. And so it's sort of like, yeah, even even though we can still be just as vicious and just as critical, there is sort of this accepted way of doing things.

Liz: Yeah.

Anika: That this discussion sort of flies in the face of, which is interesting, it's like, huh, you know, they can you can go both ways on that. That has pros and cons.

Liz: Yeah, there was a discussion on Twitter a few weeks ago about racism in fandom and on AO3. One person cited a very specific Michael/Lorca slavery AU, and I knew exactly which fic she was talking about. And I have shared her opinion, and that fic is vile, and I hate it. And I hate that it's on AO3 and there's no way to block it when I search for Lorca fic.

But no one was linking to it. No one was saying this to the author's face. Apparently people have tried to go, "This is a very bad idea for a fic," and she's just like, "LOL, whatevs!"

We are critical. But there's also just too many people in fandom to get all of us in a room or on one mailing list to be part of this discussion.

Anika: It's so interesting that you mention mailing lists, because I was there for the mailing list, um, Trek stuff. And I do remember, you know, there was a lot of -- I guess it was like camps, you know, people who would be on one side or the other of a discussion. And that could get pretty intense sometimes. I don't have any -- it was sort of the end of it when I was involved, so I feel like I witnessed the move from email list to online, I don't know--

Liz: Blogs.

Anika: Yeah, like blogs and all, your own space, I guess.

Liz: Yes.

Anika: As opposed to -- we would like email each other our fan fictions, and they wouldn't go anywhere else, it would just be on this email list, and the copy of the email list that was in Yahoogroups, or whatever.

Liz: And if you were, for example, part of a Janeway/Chakotay group, you weren't necessarily with your friends or people you knew. Certainly for me, my first mailing group was JetC22, and I just signed up and was allocated to this particular group. And there were some people there that I liked very much, and there were some people there that I really, really disliked. And--

Anika: Right.

Liz: --from there that gave me a foundation to go to the people I did like, "Hey, let's start our own group with hookers and booze."

Anika: Right. It's amazing and crazy to think, "Oh, we could just all have a conversation in one room and discuss it all." And that was cool.

Liz: I'm sort of glad that we don't have to go back to those days, but at the same time, like, I like to think that these ladies would look at my fic and go, "Oh, yeah, she's totally feminist by the standards of 1976."

Because the essay starts off, "Feminism in much of Treklit can be regarded as non-existent, particularly in GRUP type stories." And GRUP was an adult content zine which took its name from the slang for grown ups in the TOS episode "Miri. And I'm like, I can't think of a worse thing to name your smut zine.

Anika: I know! That's so, so bad. I'm turned off immediately, but that's just me here in 2021.

Liz: Right. And it's interesting that they're complaining here that the smut fic was very much generic, which I think is still a complaint these days. Sometimes you read a fic and you're like, "I don't think that really taught me anything new about the characters, I have no insight into how this author feels about them, save that she's sort of mashing her action figures together." Which is not a bad thing, but it's not what I enjoy in fic

Anika: Right, it's definitely not what I enjoy in fic. I think that my interests are very well known at this point, and it's pretty much never sex.

Liz: No.

Anika: So. Oh, well!

Liz: It goes on to say, "Some stories are anti-feminist in that women are segregated out of them. Action is all concerned with the male characters. And the implication is that women are not liable to participate in such matters." I like to think that fandom has moved on.

Anika: Well...

Liz: Yeah.

Anika: Yes. Yes, fandom has moved on, but has society?

Liz: Well, no. I think what's notable here is that they're not specifically talking about slash fic, they're probably talking about, I guess what in the X-Files fandom was called case files or casefics, where it's basically, "I'm writing a Star Trek episode, but in prose format." And they're sort of reflecting The Original Series in that it is very dudely.

Anika: Yeah, absolutely.

Liz: You know, we say, "Oh, fandom is so subversive, fic is about reclaiming the narrative." But honestly, some people write fic because they like the narrative and they want more of it. And there's nothing inherently wrong with that, but if you're not applying a critical eye to your source then maybe you're reproducing its problems.

Anika: Hmm, it's interesting. I mean, I just said I, I have very specific likes and dislikes. And there's a lot of stuff like -- casefic, I don't really need, because I can watch the show for that. But curtain fic, which is, like --

Liz: The domestic...

Anika: -- the characters just, like washing the dishes or arguing about Netflix, like that. I eat it up. That's my favorite thing. There's no saving the world, there's just, "We saved the world, and now we're going home to relax and, and decompress--"

Liz: Yes.

Anika: "-- and do whatever we want to do." Like, those are the fics that I like.

Liz: And "what happens after you save the world?" is a good story.

Anika: It's not subversive, but it is something that's not in the fiction as it stands.

Liz: I think it is subversive in a small way, because you're adding the domesticity which has been excluded from the primary narrative, and in doing so, highlighting that it, too, has value.

Anika: It definitely has value.

Liz: I really like casefic that's character-driven, that's about the people. And I used to have that itch scratched by tie-in fiction, and it doesn't so much anymore -- Una McCormack, thank God, she exists. But, yeah, it's not really something we see so much now that tie-in fiction exists.

And also, I think there's a stronger impetus to file serial numbers off and turn a fic into an original work. And if you're going into all the effort of writing a plot anyway, just throw in that little bit more effort and make it original. I feel like there's less need for casefic.

Anika: Yeah, I agree. But I don't search it out, so maybe it's there, and I just don't read it.

Liz: Yeah, possibly. I have this idea for a Lorca/Cornwell casefic, where they're in their thirties, and they have to go undercover as a married couple on, like, a human settlement that's outside of the Federation. And the reason I haven't started writing it is that I'm like, well, it's not very shippy, so where's where's the hook?

Anika: "Right. So why am I doing it?"

Liz: Yeah!

Anika: I get that.

Liz: The essay goes on, "Other fics concern women, but in a very negative light," and they go on to discuss two fics in particular. One has the rather spectacular title of "Murder, Rape and Other Unsocial Acts". And it's -- I looked it up, it has a Fanlore page of its own. -- it's about a Klingon family, and there's a lot of comedy rape because it's the '70s. And ... yeah, it seems like something that would not really fly these days, and obviously, it was subject to criticism at the time.

And the other fic is titled "An Abortive Attempt", in which a human gynecologist is effectively extradited to Vulcan to face charges for performing an abortion on a Vulcan woman.

Anika: Amazing!

Liz: This is such a specifically 1970s concept. And I have to disagree that this is not a feminist story. This, to me, is a wildly feminist story. Just because something bad happens to a woman -- I'm guessing that this -- I couldn't find it online, but I'm assuming that this is not actually pro-life propaganda, and therefore it is a feminist story, defending choice. I guess? Probably?

Anika: I guess. It's amazing that -- just thinking about, you know, what do Vulcans think about abortion is like -- oh, my goodness! What a great thing.

Liz: Because we would go, "Well, obviously reproductive rights and controlling fertility down to the micro level is very logical." Pardon me, I'm losing my voice. We would think that extreme reproductive rights and micromanaging fertility is very logical.

But then you think, "Well, they've got these arranged marriages, and it's really hard to get a divorce, and Spock is actually quite sexist in The Original Series." He's sort of the logic over feelings guy, as opposed to feminist Jim Kirk, who's like, "But feelings, Spock! They have their place. Women! They're so beautiful!" So, for the '70s, it's a logical extrapolation of Vulcan culture

Anika: Of pro-life Vulcans?

Liz: I guess?

Anika: I mean, yeah, I get it, I get it, but it's also -- I can't imagine it would happen very often on Vulcan, just because they know their cycles so well -- that sounds so weird. And so, if something came up, I feel like there would be a logical reason for it to be needed. I don't know. I just I feel like you could use logic to come up with [a reason] why you should have an abortion easier than why you shouldn't.

Liz: No, I agree. Like, I kind of perceive the Star Trek universe as being a lot like Lois McMaster Bujold's future, where we just control fertility so well and we have extra-uterine gestation anyway, so unwanted pregnancies aren't really an issue for people very often?

Anika: We can only hope.

Liz: It's a nice idea. But it's just interesting to me that this fic is such a reflection of the time in which it's written. And in twenty years, will people be looking back -- on their podcast that's broadcast straight into people's brains -- and going, "Wow, there were a lot of fics about gay marriage back then. Gosh, that's such a product of its time."

Anika: Oh, my goodness. I mean, again, we can only hope.

Liz: Yeah.

Anika: I would love for our progressive future to actually be progressive.

Liz: Yes, yes! I would love to do a thesis on something or something about tracking social progress through issues in fan fiction and depictions in fan fiction. One day, when I have time to do a PhD, and can also go to Iowa to go through their zine archive.

Anika: Cool.

Liz: Then we get to the discussion of specifically anti-feminist stories. And here they discuss a fic called "How About a Raffle?" in which -- it's a Kirk/Uhura fic, and Kirk accidentally sells Uhura into slavery.

Anika: Yikes. I don't think that just happens. Like I was gonna say it happens, but no. No, that's not not true. It doesn't just happen.

Liz: They're dealing with some Orions, and Uhura enters a dance contest, but it turns out that the winner is, like, the top slave or something.

Anika: Oh my God.

Liz: It's still racist.

Anika: I like the attempt to world build for the Orions

Liz: Don't get carried away. Mary Louise Dodge, the author, quote, "Rose and astonished the floor by stating that they were anti-feminist, and anyway, the Orion dancers were only humanoid, not human or intelligent."

Anika: Big yikes!

Liz: Big yikes indeed!

Anika: That is straight up from, you know, stories about masters--

Liz: Straight up slavery?

Anika: Yeah. Like, you know, and, yeah, bad. Bad. Don't ever go there ever. [laughs] I don't want to be an anti...

Liz: Well, it's interesting! I looked up Mary Louise Dodge, and she was involved in fandom for a really long time. She was on the Welcommittee, she ran the mailroom, she organized cons. She wrote a lot of fic. And I feel like we would have crossed paths, had I been in fandom at the time, because she was very much a het writer. And she wrote a lot of Kirk/Uhura, which I probably would have shipped back then.

And she was very vocally anti-slash and anti-porn. I've actually put a note here, that I guess you could call her fandom's first anti. After one con, she wrote a famous letter to a bunch of zines, complaining that there was smut -- smutty zines and smutty art openly displayed on the floor and in the art show. And, you know, "why can't we get back to the good wholesome values of the 1960s?"

Anika: Yay for concern trolling having a deep history.

Liz: You know, I do think smut should be opt-in. And certainly, she is the person responsible for, like, age statements in zines and stuff. And there were a lot of things in fan culture at the time that wouldn't be acceptable today, like dressing up as Spock and Kirk's erect penises. Can you imagine going to, like, Comic Con in that costume?

Anika: And seeing that?

Liz: Yeah, yeah. But at the same time, like, she's not talking about consent, she's talking about -- she just hates smut and hates slash, and is quite deeply homophobic.

Anika: Right.

Liz: And doesn't apologize, which I enjoy, but I've sort of started thinking of her as the Phyllis Schlafly of fandom.

Anika: You're Wrong About, the podcast, just did a deep dive into Tipper Gore versus, you know, like heavy metal, basically,

Liz: It's sitting in my podcast feed, but the Reply All expose on Bon Appetit came up and took precedence.

Anika: I understand your priorities. But it really reminds me of all this stuff. Not just what we're talking about here with Mary Louise, but also with the whole anti culture now.

Liz: Yeah.

Anika: And even in academia, the idea that should you put a content warning or not on your syllabus? And there is a difference between opting in, like, having it having it be clear what something is, versus censorship.

Liz: Yes!

Anika: And it's like, we've been talking about this for fifty years, and we still haven't figured that out. And it's just really interesting.

And the issue is that if you look at what Mary Louise has problems with, versus what Tipper Gore has problems with, versus what the whole anti-Reylo crowd have problems with, it's like the bar shifts, but what it comes down to is, "I don't like this, and therefore, it shouldn't be a part of society."

Liz: Yeah, as opposed to, "I don't like this, therefore, I don't want to see it."

Anika: Right. Which is the whole argument for, you know, using tags.

Liz: Yeah.

Anika: And using databases and having the little sticker that says explicit lyrics. It's not hurting anyone. But if there was like -- they wanted the occult stickers, and it's like, guys, you can't just go around saying, you know, "This is the occult." There are certain things that are subjective, and you can't decide to have a label that has that level of subjectivity.

Liz: Yeah. Yeah.

Anika: That's a slippery slope towards, you know, "Oh, now we're gonna have Muslim stickers, or we're gonna have Jewish stickers." You know, it gets really bad really quickly.

Liz: And there are certainly parts of America where Catholicism would get an occult sticker.

Anika: Exactly. So it's just really -- there are levels. And this is a conversation that, like I said, we've been having for a long time, and I think we're going to continue having for a long time.

Liz: I think it's good that we keep having this conversation, because the context is always changing. And we need to keep examining it.

Anika: As much as we were talking about the Lorca and Michael slave fic, that I'm not going to read and I'm not going to encourage in any way. But I also am not going to say she can't write it or post it. I just want to opt out.

And the same with Mary Louise and her "Let's accidentally sell Uhura into slavery." Like, that's nothing I ever want to read, and I'm kind of upset hearing about it. But okay, you're, you're allowed to do that. I don't want to read it. And I want to know that it's gonna happen so that I don't have to read it.

Liz: And, you know, the problem with AO3 is that there is no way to block this author, or to stop this fic from appearing in every single tag that the author applies. And I think particularly blocking someone is an option that they really need. When you look at zines, it's much, much harder to avoid -- unless you only subscribe to zines whose editors won't publish Mary Louise Dodge. And I'm sure that there were some, she seems to have been incredibly polarizing. But what if you want, you know, Nice Hetfic Zine issue three, and it has five great stories and one Mary Louise Dodge?

Anika: Right, exactly. The reason that we keep talking about it is there's no easy answer. There's just compromises. And it's hard. It's a thorny question.

Liz: And for the record, I would have subscribed to Nice Hetfic Zine issue three. And then I would have written a snarky letter to its letter column complaining about Mary Louise Dodge and her terrible fic, because that was acceptable at the time.

Anika: Exactly. That's the other thing. It's so interesting.

Liz: Yeah!

Anika: It's so interesting. And then, you know, comments on AO3 are like I would say at least eighty percent positive.

Liz: Yeah. And I think that's because comments are for the author. Whereas this is a review culture rather than a feedback culture.

Anika: Oooh, that's good.

Liz: So the discussion is less -- it's more readers talking to readers, than readers talking to writers.

Anika: Yes. That's another thing that I kind of wish we still had, fanfic treated as -- like, I would love to read some reviews or a deep dive into one author's recurring themes, or something like that. I would be super into it. I understand that people wouldn't like it -- the authors. But I would love it. And honestly, I wouldn't mind if people did it for me.

Liz: I was just going to say, the themes of domesticity -- and you write a lot of baby fic, but it's not because [you're going], "Oh, babies are so cute. I love children!" I'm sure you do, babies are cute. But it's about, "What do we, as flawed parents, pass on to our children? And how do we make them better than -- how do we make their lives better than what we've had?" And this seems to recur in all of your fics that I've read in any fandom.

Anika: So strange that I'm obsessed with the relationship between parents and children and their parents! Mm, so strange. And trauma. I know the things that I focus on. I focus on adoption, I focus on identity. I focus on sibling relationships. Like, these are things that are -- I think I've said before that everything I write is actually about me. I don't have to put a Mary Sue in anything, a nd I don't have very many original characters. But I one hundred percent give Katrina Cornwell my own backstory.

Liz: Right. And I've seen that in your fic. She -- often in your fics, she has lost a parent at a young age, and is dealing with that even into adulthood. But it doesn't feel like, oh, yeah, that's just Anika putting her own thing on Kat. It feels like exploring.

Anika: Yeah. Yeah, at least that's my intention. But yeah, so I would love to be even a part of like, a book club, or something where we meet each other and talk about it. Like, I think that would be so fun. And I'm sort of sad that that culture doesn't exist anymore.

Liz: It's sort of like how bookmarks on AO3 are for readers rather than writers. And sometimes, like, there's a piece of feedback that was attached -- it wasn't feedback, it was just a note attached to a bookmark of one of my fics that said, "really good handling of disability." And I was like, "This is the greatest feedback I have ever not really received."

But the other thing is, quite a few years ago, in Doctor Who fandom, I created a sock puppet and started reviewing the fics that were nominated for an award. It started out as a very mean, bitchy sort of thing to do, because I thought that the fics being nominated were not award-worthy -- note my own fics were nominated. So I was not a neutral observer.

But I wound up finding like it was a really interesting way of reading outside of my usual field and going, "Okay, well, this is a Ten/Rose fic, and I don't ship that. And this fic is almost entirely made up of things that don't resonate with me at all, and now I understand why I don't read this fit this sort of in this genre. But this is actually a really good fic, and I think that if you were a Ten/Rose shipper, you would really like it."

And then, you know, one of my so called friends revealed my identity on an anon meme, and there was wank, and people still think I'm one of the worst people in Doctor Who fandom which, yeah, it was a whole thing. I don't recommend doing this. It was not great. But in terms of reviewing fics as pieces of literature, it was a really interesting experience. And I actually had people say, "Hey, will you review my fic?"

Anika: I don't use beta readers very often, because I have a very particular way of writing, and I like my style, and I don't want to change it. So I don't give it to people and say, "Does this make sense? Did I forget something? You know, is this good?" I just don't need someone to tell me that before it's published.

Liz: Yep.

Anika: But once it's published, I would love someone to read it and critique it. I don't know why.

Liz: You are flying without a wire!

Anika: I just don't want to change it while I'm writing it. But I would love to know what people think of it after the fact.

Liz: That's -- that's very interesting!

And I do use a beta reader -- hi, I know you're listening -- because I have this problem where I don't close quotation marks, and she's very good at finding stuff like that. And she also knows when to tell me that I'm disappearing up my own butt, and when I am doing something really cool that she's enjoying, and I appreciate that. I appreciate you a lot.

Back to the essay, Jean Lorrah replied that it was not the treatment of the Orion women that was irritating, but Kirk's condescending good old boy attitude, "the cute little girl is drunk," and that that attitude coming from the female characters was unfortunately common in Trek literature. "Do my thinking for me."

Anika: Yeah.

Liz: They sort of move on to original characters. And apparently there was a trend of pairing off McCoy with a sweet, innocent eighteen-year-old girls.

Anika: Again, I don't want to be an anti. But why? What is that about?

Liz: Yeah, it's not the sort of thing that I find appealing.

Anika: My note here is just "yikes". I mean, doesn't McCoy have an eighteen-year-old daughter?

Liz: Yes. And according to Mary Louise, there was a lot of fic where he slept with his daughter. And I know--

Anika: No, no.

Liz: But because I don't fully trust Mary Louise is a source, I'm like, is that one fic she saw and it was an outlier and probably written to shock, like the notorious Draco/Lucius skullfucking fic, or was it an actual trend? And I'm pretty sure I really--

Anika: I'm disturbed. But I'm also like, wow, what was going on? What was that about? I'm very curious. I mean, I guess because McCoy is the oldest, and is the most paternal, but he's also the most, like, I don't want to say feminine, but, like, feminine.

Liz: He's a very caring person.

Anika: And so it's interesting. It's very interesting, you know, and I could definitely imagine being an eighteen-year-old girl, and deciding that I wanted to date, McCoy. Or like, I could imagine, of all of the people in Star Trek, he would be the best relationship, I can sort of see it going that way, and ending up with this crazy fic. But if it was a trend ... I'm just so interested. It's so weird.

Liz: And the thing is, these weren't eighteen-year-old girls generally writing these fics, these were, like housewives?

Anika: Yeah, housewives.

Liz: Yeah, adult women.

Anika: It's like the whole "Twilight is read by teenage girls and their mothers" thing.

Liz: Yes.

Anika: This is what it sounds like. To me.

Liz: This is not to disparage either housewives or mothers who read Twilight, because I feel like housewives, stereotypically, and middle aged women are as dismissed as teenage girls. But it's just interesting.

Anika: And they don't make anybody any money.

Liz: There's a very nice remark here. "Some of the reasons for badly drawn female characters is simply bad writing, and male characters are just as unrealistic, but this can improve." And then they talk about a specific series again, it looks like a series, like, pairing Sarek with a lady named Lorna. So Sarek gets his own Mary Sue.

Anika: I have to go off on a tangent on this because Lorna is a very specific name. It's pretty old fashioned at this point, like now, but my last name, Dane, is taken from Lorna Dane, who was an X Men character created in 1968. She was introduced in 1968, but then she joined the team in the late '70s. So Lorna Dane is Polaris, and she is Magneto's daughter, at least seventy-five percent of the time.

Liz: Right. His kids seem to have fluctuating identities.

Anika: And she's my favorite X Men, X Men, X Woman, whatever. X. My favorite X. So when I was published in a book of comic book essays, I was published under the name Anika Dane Milik. And so when I got divorced, and I changed my name, I just went to Dane.

Liz: That makes sense. Yes.

Anika: But it's like, it's Lorna, it's Lorna Dane, that's who it is. And this idea that this character that was created in the mid to late '70s, as Sarek's wife after Amanda died, I'm like, so, Sarek is now a part of my identity. And I am really excited about that! And apparently, Lorna's last name is Mitchell, so it's like Gary Mitchell's daughter, Lorna. But she's from the past. Everything about it is amazing. Everything about this, I had to look it up, and I'm so excited by the whole idea.

Liz: This sounds fantastic.

Anika: I love it. I love it, and now I get to be, in some universes, married to Sarek.

Liz: I am deeply sorry for you.

Then they go on to remark that from Lorna in one fic to Lorna in another, "there has been a vast elevation of consciousness". And it's like, as I read that, like my clothes turned into flares and my hair centre-parted... just peak '77

Anika: Yeah, you started hearing … what's that song from Hair.

Liz: Oh, I was dreaming about Hair last night.

Anika: It was like in my head. But, you know, the morning song.

Liz: Yeah, yeah.

Anika: "In the... nah, nah, nah." That song. Anyway, you start hearing that song, I start hearing that song, just can't remember the lyrics.

And that sentence is also so supremely Lorna Dane. The reason that I love Lorna Dane so much is that she's completely different every single time you meet her. She has all of these like, weird relationships with her parents, both Magneto and then her adoptive parents. Her relationships are all crazy. And she never feels good enough, and she's an only child, and all she ever wants is siblings. And she's -- there's so much. And it's literally crazy. I mean, everything in the X Men is crazy. But she is, by far, one of the most -- like just the fact that every other story she's either Magneto's daughter or not is enough.

Liz: Honestly, I'm getting very powerful Wanda Maximoff vibes from this?

Anika: Oh, yeah, exactly.

Liz: I find it interesting that Magneto's daughters tend to be sort of very fluid, dynamic characters whose personalities and backstories are always changing.

Anika: And going back to something we were just discussing in this essay, there's this sort of idea that Magneto can be super powerful, and be able to destroy the planet at a whim, and he is very serious and sad, and we have a lot of respect for him even if we don't agree with him.

Whereas Wanda and Lorna have the same amount of power and can destroy things, and they are crazy. And they need to be, have to be--

Liz: They're unstable and they need to be stopped.

Anika: --locked up, and are a danger to themselves and others. And it's like, okay, so Magneto definitely tried to take over the world four times, but he's not a danger to himself or others? You created an entire prison for him that no one else would ever need, yet he's not considered crazy or unstable or dangerous the way that Wanda and Lorna are.

Liz: Yeah.

Anika: That's a thing.

Liz: The next note in this essay is that a common theme in feminist Treklit is responsibility, and stories about women being given responsibility and handling it properly, or needing to learn responsibility and doing so.

My note here was, "Are women people?" but it turns out that this is a story that the comics and superhero genre, at least, is still grappling with, and I think WandaVision is doing it in a really interesting way. And Wanda's allies are Monica and what's her face? Darcy.

Anika: Darcy

Liz: Yeah. And Jimmy Wu, and to a lesser extent right now, Vision. But these, with one exception, are not white people -- sorry, not white men. And--

Anika: And Vision is played by a white man but I don't -- like he's one of those on the line kind of people.

Liz: Yeah, I'm just -- Paul Bettany...

Anika: He is a white man but he's also not, in the context of the story.

Liz: My feelings about Paul Bettany are very complicated for Johnny Depp reasons. So I'm lukewarm on wanting to see him, ever. But his performance is great, and all. And I just think it's depressing that this [storyline] is still something that media struggles with.

Anika: And it one hundred percent is. It's something that -- I mean, look at Rey.

Liz: Yes. So--

Anika: That's gonna be my answer to everything. Yeah, women are not people is generally the key. Women are vessels that we can put ideas onto, I guess, is the way it goes.

Liz: Yeah. And then the other issue they discuss is issues that are of specific concern to women, or of special concern to women, rather, and they talk about a fic where, quote, "a rape case threatens to obscure the issue of a female officer's rights by triggering an overprotective reaction".

Which, again, going by TOS alone, seems like a pretty valid basis for a fic -- look at look at all those episodes where Janice Rand is attacked, and the only people she has to go to about it are Kirk, Spock and McCoy. Even if it was Kirk's evil double that attacked her.

Anika: It's just bad.

Liz: It's -- yeah.

Anika: Again, I'm really interested in this idea that they wrote -- they were writing stories about rape, and not -- I mean, I haven't read the story, but it doesn't seem like it was sensationalizing rape. It seems like it was, "Hey, this is a thing that happened in canon that didn't get the treatment that I want. And so let's talk about that."

Liz: Yes. "And let's talk about how, not not the rape itself, but the reaction afterwards impedes justice, and recovery." That's super interesting, and still contemporary!

Anika: And still contemporary.

Liz:   And then they talk about Mary Sue, and, you know, everyone on the Enterprise is extraordinary. But if you create a woman who is extraordinary, then she's a Mary Sue. And they debate, you know, do you write a male character and then make it female? Or do you try and create a three dimensional woman? 

And I still see these discussions now, and I'm like, whatever gets you to a good character is a valid technique.

Anika:   A couple of things really jumped out at me. One was "showed some problems Spock could have if he had been female, as well as first officer."

Liz:   Yeah!

Anika:   I'm very picky about gender swap fic. Because it can be done so poorly, so easily.

Liz:   Yes.

Anika:   But that's a really interesting question. If everything was the same, except Spock was a woman, what would that mean? I'm interested in that. And if it was done well, then it could be a really amazing story.

Liz:   Right?

Anika:   So I love that they're bringing these questions up. And then another one was, "when one writes a female officer onto the ship, and part of this usually lies with her occupation: what does she do? Why is she on the ship, and what is her function when she is sent down to the planet?" 

And I'm just like, uh, I'm pretty sure you'd have to ask those questions about any original character that you made up?

Liz:   Yeah. Men can have jobs too!

Anika:   And so what it comes down to is that -- it goes back to the earlier comment about how there weren't women in the show, and the women that were in the show didn't get to do what the men did, that Uhura got to take command once, ever.

Liz:   Yes.

Anika:   And it was too late, basically.

Liz:   And it was in the animated series. Which to an extent--

Anika:   Which, who even watched?

Liz:   Yeah, I don't want to say it doesn't count. But it's only just now being treated as a serious and valid part of the Star Trek universe. Aside from "Yesteryear".

Anika:   So really, it's really interesting that they were sort of asking these questions seriously, amongst themselves, you know, and treating it with any kind of gravity, 'cos (a) I think the answer is obvious.

Liz:   Yes.

Anika:   And (b), we shouldn't have to answer this. What it's just the whole thing of "let's create a male character and, and write it as a man and then switch it at the end." Like, yeah, sure. And if you're not going to do that, which is fine, because gender does have an impact -- or you know, can, I should say can have an impact -- it's okay for someone's gender to have a meaning to them. But you shouldn't have an emotional and intellectual quandary about why this woman is on this ship.

Liz:   If you wouldn't have that same quandary for a male character, why are you having it for this lady?

Anika:   Right! They belong on the ship. That's my answer.

Liz:   She's on the ship because that's her job. It's where Starfleet told her to be, the end.

Anika:   Finally, the one that really, you know, just made me smile. "One dead giveaway of a Mary Sue is when everyone on the ship loves her except Kirk." That is my favorite fun fact that I've never heard before.

Liz:   No, me neither. I've seen Mary Sues where Kirk loves her and Spock doesn't. And I've seen all sorts of Mary Sues, and they're all great.

Anika:   It was just amazing. I I loved that idea. The idea that people are reading a story, and all of a sudden Kirk doesn't like someone, and they're like, "Mary Sue!" And that's it, that character is tainted and you can't see that character as anything other than a Mary Sue. It's just crazy. But amazing. And I'm not saying that it's not true. I just think it's hilarious.

Liz:   I don't think it's a data point that became universal. Like you don't see this in Star Trek Mary Sue litmus tests. Remember litmus tests? Wow. Speaking of fandom history!

Anika:   They were like 80 questions long.

Liz:   I know!

Anika:   And you had to put it in, and then it would tell you if your original character was a Mary Sue or not. And I will tell you, I don't write a lot of original characters, like I said, I never put in any original characters. But I constantly put in my version of canon characters. And the thing is that more than fifty percent of my answers were canon. I wasn't making things up about these people.I was reading the canon, when I was answering the question as my interpretation of the character that I saw on screen.

Liz:   No, this makes perfect sense to me because -- I think it's Seanan McGuire who had an essay on LiveJournal, pointing out that "Mary Sue" is just another word for protagonist.

Anika:   Exactly. So usually I would get, "You are close to the line of crossing over into Mary Sue-dom and you should take away at least one flaw," or, you know, something like that. It's just like, okay!

Liz:   Whatevs!

Anika:   I will tell Gene Roddenberry?

Liz:   Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry, I need to summon the ghost of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle to tell him that Sherlock Holmes is a Mary Sue.

Anika:   You know who's a real Mary Sue? Watson.

Liz:   Yes!

Anika:   One hundred percent a Mary Sue.

Liz:   I feel like Holmes is the idealized Mary Sue and Watson is the self insert Mary Sue.

Anika:   Mm, I can see that.

Liz:   "The panel then fled from Mary Sue stories."

Anika:   As did we all.

Liz:   And they talk about how it's difficult to create a good female character, because there aren't many templates to draw from in Star Trek. And--

Anika:   Like I said.

Liz:   Yeah. "There are plenty of strong masculine characters to work from, but very few women."

Anika:   And that's the thing. Again, here in 2021, every woman in Star Trek has been called a Mary Sue at least once.

Liz:   And honestly, most of [the women in TOS] are pretty interesting. Like, they're not necessarily strong people. But generally, they're more complex than we give credit for.

Anika:   Right. So it's --first of all, just stop talking about Mary Sues and let it go. That's that's my take number one. And take number two, just because a woman is a woman and a new character in an old fandom does not mean that they are a Mary Sue automatically.

Liz:   Yeah. 

Then they talk about -- it's sort of a digression, which obviously we're familiar with  here. "Most blonde women were dependent and ineffectual, well, brunettes were usually forceful, and control their own destinies." And they give the example of Majel Barrett, who goes from Number One to Chapel. 

I had never thought of this, and I think overall, as a pattern, it holds for The Original Series. But I also think that there were, you know, existing stereotypes about blondes versus brunettes.

Anika:   Yeah, I don't think that Star Trek--

Liz:   No.

Anika:   I don't think Star Trek created that idea.

Liz:   No, you know, [in] Marilyn Monroe movies, she always has a brunette offsider, who's a lot smarter and more together than she is.

Anika:   So strange, it's like, blondes are more beautiful and have more fun, and people are more interested in them. But the brunettes are the smart ones. And the ones with depth. That is just -- like, this is weird, okay?

Liz:   Unless you get the sort of Hitchcock blonde who is terribly intelligent, but also cold and damaged. And that's Seven of Nine.

Anika:   Yes.

Liz:   But it's also interesting that they cite Chapel, because the whole reason that I wanted to do an episode on zines is that I have a paper copy of issue 25 of T-negative, which has a wonderful essay about Christine Chapel, basically saying, everyone writes her off as a dumb blonde with no agency who's only in love with Kirk. [Obviously I meant Spock, don't @ me…] And actually she is a really, really interesting character. And then the author goes on to discuss Christine in both canon and in fiction. 

It was a wonderful essay, and I was going to cite it -- we talked about doing a Chapel episode, but Women at Warp had just done one. Justice for Christine Chapel, who's not even a character I really care about. But this essay made me want to.

Anika:   Right, that's my take on a lot -- you know, there's the characters that I really, really, really care about, and everybody who listens to this podcast could name them. And then there's all the other women characters who -- like, I will meet you in an alley and punch you--

Liz:   Right?

Anika:   --to protect them, I will one hundred percent go to battle for every woman on Star Trek.

Liz:   Yes. Even the ones I don't like

Anika:   Because all of the arguments against them are sexist. That's where I'm at.

Liz:   One day, I'm going to present the argument that Lwaxana Troi is narcissistic, and not necessarily fully abusive to Deanna, but she is not good to Deanna. And that's the only argument that I will accept against Lwaxana.

Anika:   And the difference is that that is a critique of Lwaxana as a person, which is totally fair.

Liz:   It's not just "she's middle aged and thinks she's sexy."

Anika:   Right, we shouldn't put women on a pedestal, either. But the critiques aren't critiques, they're just, "I don't like" -- again, it's, "I don't like this, and I'm going to write them off." I just watched Star Trek 2009.

Liz:   You did!

Anika:   And I am so ready to go to battle for Uhura. Like, it's upsetting to me. I've seen that movie many times now. You know, like a dozen, let's say, -- I don't know.

Liz:   I've seen it twice!

Anika:   And I can just hear all the negative comments as I'm watching the show. Like, I'm sitting here and I'm watching the movie, and I just hear all this chatter. You know, Uhura is telling Spock to put her on the Enterprise, and there's eight hundred voices in my head saying how she's a nagging girlfriend. And I just like, "No, no, she is not!" She is standing up for herself the way that any person should, and the fact -- their relationship is a wrinkle to it. It is not the reason for it. And if Kirk did exactly the same thing, people would be applauding him.

Liz:   Yes, yes.

Anika:   So I can't. As I was watching the movie, every single thing that Uhura did, I imagined Kirk doing it, and having all of the people like you know, saying "Oh, he was the best version of Kirk." I was just like, ugh! And I know I'm saying that as someone who thinks that Chris Pine is the best version of Kirk...

Liz:   You know, there are credible rumours that Strange New Worlds is going to feature a young Uhura. There's a casting call for a young African American woman to play a comms officer, whose name in the casting call is African, just as Uhura is based on the Swahili. 

And I see people going, "Oh, good, Strange New Worlds is going to fix Uhura, they're going to do her properly." And I'm like, no, they're just going to do her differently. Peck!Spock is not better than Quinto!Spock. They're just different interpretations of Nimoy!Spock.

Anika:   Mm hmm.

Liz:   Anyway.

Anika:   Yeah, so sorry, tangent, but I just get super defensive of these women characters because people are against them for really silly reasons.

Liz:   Moving on, we hit a marvelous piece of fake news. "Another problem with female characters is that feminism can become too much an issue."

Anika:   Oh, dear. I love this because literally like two paragraphs before that, they're saying that feminism is the reason like -- that the lack of female characters is the reason that it's hard to write female characters. It's like, guess what, guys, you're being feminist in that argument. And so now, these women are saying that there's too much feminism in my Star Trek, and I -- again, I'm pretty defensive.

Liz:   They cite this amazing sounding fic when Number One is now -- it says in this recap, she is now an alien ambassador. But according to the Fanlore page for the fic itself, she is the captain of the USS Hood. And any Friends of DeSoto can just take a moment to say, "Best boss I ever had." 

She sits down with a Romulan commander and they both, quote, "bitch interminably about being trodden on by the men in their lives, losing the plot amongst the complaints." 

And like, maybe the fic is sort of hijacked by this, and the story it promised to tell is not the story that eventually came out. I just really, really want to read this fic.

Anika:   I really want to read it too. And that's what I'm saying, that is the kind of stuff that I love to read and write in fic, which has absolutely nothing to do with the plot, but is all about their feelings and their lives and their interpretation of what's going on.

Liz:   And I just love the idea of Number One and a Romulan, comparing notes. I'm just saying, the Romulans had women in command before the Federation.

Anika:   Yeah. I ship it.

Liz:   And they note that the theme of women cooperating with women is a good one, and just beginning to develop. And, you know, I still get a weird warm, self-righteous glow whenever I write that in my fic, so I'm glad it's still a thing. I wish it was more of a thing. And then they move on--

Anika:   This is the best.

Liz:   --to the most important question. What about the men?

Anika:   Okay, so again, I have to tell a story about today. My most popular fanvid on YouTube is a vid about the animated women in Star Wars. So it's all animation, Rebels and Clone Wars. And that's -- actually, I made it before Resistance. So that's it, Rebels and Clone Wars. And this one is what I'm one of, if not my best -- and it's my most popular, right? And it's ages old now. Like I said, pre the last season of Rebels. 

And I still get comments all the time, because, again, it's the one that shows up in the algorithm or whatever. And today I got this amazing comment that was just one question. Four words. "What about man person?"

Liz:   Man person!

Anika:   Man person! And I just started laughing and laughing. I was like, Okay, I'm designing a T-shirt that just says, "What about man person?" and I'm buying one for all of my friends, because that is an amazing comment.

Liz:   I think that we need to release stickers on RedBubble that say, "What about man person?"

Anika:   "What about man person?" Like, that -- it was just so good. That's how I ended up with "social justice Klingon warrior" in my Twitter bio, because somebody accused me of being a social justice warrior for Klingons, and I was like, yup, yes I am. 

Liz:   Well, we've found this episode's title.

[I realise that Anika specifies that it's four words, and then I used three in the title, but, ummmmm, anyway, changing these things post-release is a pain.]

Anika:   What about man person?

Liz:   What about man person?

Anika:   Like, okay, dude, this video is literally a celebration of women. That's, that's the title. That's what it says, Star Wars: Women. I made one for Star Trek, too: Star Trek: Women.

Liz:   But, Anika, what about man person?

Anika:   Go watch Star Trek! Go watch, literally the entire original trilogy and most of the rest. And you can find all the man person you want.

Liz:   So the discussion here, what about man person? Why aren't men writing Trek fic? "There are many males in Trek, why aren't they writing? One suggestion was that men can't take criticism very well. And women are used to it."

Anika:   I mean, every answer that they come up with is actually kind of great.

Liz:   It is! But I'm like, people call us misandrists, and look at this! 

"Criticism is a good tool. The Star Trek world would seem to appeal to males. One expects Marty Sues but gets Mary Sues. But many male Trekfen don't want to write about it, instead want to be in it." 

And I think this is really interesting, because if you look at the fanworks which are dominated by men at the writing and production level, it's fan films. And there's the perennial post on the Star Trek subreddit, "Hey, I just wrote a Star Trek novel, how do I get it published?" And they never want my AO3 invite.

Anika:   Yeah! I mean, I think that this is actually a really amazing insight that is absolutely true. Like, in, in all fandom--

Liz:   Yeah. And I think--

Anika:   --men--

Liz:   Go on.

Anika:   Do that. Like women -- I think we've discussed before how there's the transformative versus, like, critical or or--

Liz:   Collecting?

Anika:   Collector, yeah. Yeah. And, again, we just said there aren't enough women doing stuff in Star Trek in 1977. And so they were, they were saying, "Hey, I'm going to create a woman character who does something." And whereas the men are like, "I'm going to, you know, make a movie where I play Captain Kirk."

Liz:   Yeah.

Anika:   And somehow, they don't see that as fanfic?

[Note from Liz: it's not that there's anything wrong with that approach! I just find it weird how things like Star Trek Continues are treated as semi-canonical, whereas fic mostly … is not.]

[Oh no, do we need to start doing eps on fic the way other podcasts do eps on fan films?]

Liz:   No, no. A few years ago, pre pandemic, I saw the play Puffs, which is essentially a Gary Stu fic in the form of a play. And it's a professional piece of theatre! You can see it on Broadway Online or something, and I highly recommend it. It was a good evening. I have very mixed feelings about Harry Potter these days, but it was a lot of fun. 

But it struck me that "the ordinary kid gets his Hogwarts letter and goes to Hogwarts and is on the periphery of the events of Harry's school years" is a fic that I have seen many, many times. And the difference is--

Anika:   So many times.

Liz:   The difference is like those fics were mostly written by women. And this guy was like, "Oh, yeah, that's a valid idea. I'm going to write a play, and I am going to make it enough of a parody that it is a professional endeavor." And it's just interesting that men are more--

Anika:   Willing to do that.

Liz:   Yeah! And I think it's -- I love fan fiction, and I love that we have this community of amateur writers who love something, but do we, as the women and marginalized people of fandom, need to be more open to also being professionals? Or does something get lost in that?

Anika:   Yeah. It's a really good question because I am very much of the opinion that if all you want to do is write fan fiction, more power to you.

Liz:   Absolutely.

Anika:   That is absolutely valid. That is you're still a writer. You can call yourself a writer. You are a creative. You are coming up with something that someone else didn't do. Your fic is original, even if it's fanfic.

Liz:   Right, and even if it's using tropes and ideas that have been used before, unless you are literally copying and pasting from someone else's story, it is still unique.

Anika:   Right.

Liz:   They speculate that boys aren't interested in writing. "It's cute in girls and effeminate in boys in the high school years, and boys should go out and do it, not daydream." And I think there might be some level of truth in that. Or certainly, there may have been then. And, you know, toxic masculinity and all of that.

Anika:   So here's what I wrote after I copied that over into my notes, that sentence, "writing is looked upon as cute in girls, effeminate in boys". And the sentence that I wrote is, "Hey, is it possible that this nonsense is why we have so few women writing trek novels right now?"

Liz:   Ohhhhhhhhhhhh.

Anika:   Just an idea. Just a thought.

Liz:   They do go on to note, "most SF writers and men, but that that isn't Trek."

Anika:   And also, that's not true.

Liz:   Yeah. Even back then that was not true.

Anika:   Sorry. That definitely wasn't true in the '70s. There were many women writing science fiction in the '70s.

Liz:   This was the age of McCaffrey and Butler and Le Guin. And more. Those are just the ones we remember!

Anika:   Literally everything I read in the '80s was written in the '70s. So that's just wrong. 

Liz:   Joanna Russ was writing Kirk/Spock fic and also science fiction novels.

Anika:   Exactly. It's society. It's not us. It's not me and you who's keeping Una McCormack as the only woman allowed to write Star Trek right now.

Liz:   Right, right.

Anika:   Like, it's the people in charge. And the people in charge have decided that science fiction should only be written by men, and they are going to like, make that happen.

Liz:   Right? And so it's interesting that men seem to self exclude from fan fiction. I think that's less true now than it was then. But it's certainly interesting because they go on, there's a bit down here, "at least a third of Trekfen are male." [laughs] I died! 

But they speculate that "perhaps the dearth of men in zines is self perpetuating, since male writers are reluctant to submit their precious manuscripts to female criticism."

Anika:   That is true. Like, I will say, I know some male writers who have not submitted their manuscripts because they don't want to hear it. And I said a while ago that I don't have a beta reader for the same reason, so I'm not saying that they shouldn't be like that. But it is a thing.

Liz:   No, no. What struck me was that with the internet, like the gatekeepers in the editorial process disappeared for fan fiction and we see some more men now than we had then. But still not that many. And it's like it's a mystery to me.

Anika:   I don't know any.

Liz:   Writing fan fiction is great. Why would you not?

Anika:   There aren't any men in our Kat Cornwell discord. There are a couple of non binary people, but no men?

Liz:   Certainly no cis men. Is it just not a community that's appealing to cis men?

Anika:   And why? Is it because they're not paid for it and you have to like, you know, "I hunt and gather and bring everything in"? Again the patriarchy is bad for everybody. Capitalism is bad for everybody.

Liz:   There's a very strange and amusing digression here: "Cogswell and Spano ((MAY SLIME DEVILS INFEST THEIR TYPEWRITER)) were mentioned as trotting around at cons, getting opinions for Spock Mess--but again, those are pros ((SUCH AS THEY ARE))." 

And I assume that Cogswell and Spano are nicknames. I don't know what Spock Mess is. I didn't really get any useful Google results. It might be a zine. 

I was wondering if maybe they were nicknames for Harlan Ellison or Isaac Asimov or David Gerrold, who were all part of the fan community and were certainly known as people who trotted around at cons. Gerrold was deeply hated by a lot of women in fandom because he's a complete donkey, and was not able to say "I don't care for slash" without also saying, "slash is written by fat ugly housewives who need to get laid."

Anika:   Ugh. Yeah, so--

Liz:   Thanks for the tribbles, mate, you can just move along.

Anika:   Again, fine, you don't have to read the slash. But that's just "I don't like this thing...."

Liz:   If anyone out there knows who this aside refers to please, tell us because I require much gossip.

Anika:   Also, I kind of want to have an opinion on Spock Mess.

Liz:   Yeah, I would very much like to know what it is so that I can have an opinion on it.

Anika:   I'd really like to have an opinion about it. So let me know what that means.

Liz:   "It's a waste if we can get mediocre rotten and fairly good ideas from female authors, why not from male?"

Anika:   Okay, look, I don't actually need men to have a bigger footprint in fandom, because they have reality.

Liz:   It's true. It's true. But fandom was so female dominated back then, "at least a third of Trekren are male," that I understand why, in these formative years, it would have been nicer to have 50/50. 

And then it goes, "Masculine domination of straight SF was brought up again, with the observation that SF is written by and large for adolescent males." 

No, that is not true! That was not true in the 70s! 

"And that the field has been changing to human relationship or alien relationship stories, largely on account of the female writers." Who did exist! 

And I love that they discuss original SF alongside fic. "Treklit."

Anika:   Yeah, that they're basically talking about them the same way. Like, these are both forms of science fiction writing.

Liz:   Right. And like I said, Joanna Russ was writing Kirk/Spock fic. And these days, Naomi Novik is the founder of AO3, and also writing acclaimed novels, which I personally do not care for, but I don't read them and don't complain that they exist.

Anika:   Because there's a lot of stuff that I don't read and don't complain that it exists. I'll just put that out there.

Liz:   Because I'm sort of in the con organizing scene, I pay a lot of attention to like Hugos, and I nominate and I try to read as many of the nominated works as I can. And sometimes I'm like, No, no, this is a bad year for works specifically designed to appeal to me.

Anika:   I probably read more fan fiction than published science fiction. I'll be honest.

Liz:   A lot of people do.

Anika:   Partly because it's free. Partly because it's about characters I already love.

Liz:   Yeah. And it is so hard to care -- like it takes real skill to create original characters that other people care about. It's hard!

Anika:   That is true.

Liz:   It's a real skill!

Anika:   That is very true. And even when you do -- like, let's take Daenerys Targaryen--

Liz:   Alas.

Anika:   George R R Martin created her, right? Whatever. Him

Liz:   Yes. He made you care about her.

Anika:   I guarantee that I care more about Daenerys Targaryen than he does. And I also guarantee I care more about Daenerys Targaryen than DB or the other D.

Liz:   I don't know about GRRM, but I absolutely agree with you on that. You win that easily.

Anika:   So that's why I'm gonna go read fan fiction about Daenerys Targaryen instead of caring about when Winds of Winter ever comes out.

Liz:   But also, you know, you're entering into a contract with a fic writer where they're saying, "Look, I love this character, and I care about them too." And you're like, "Cool, I'm gonna sit with you and we're going to care together."

Anika:   Right, we're gonna care together, I'm -- we're going to fix -- like, you know, fix it fic is like a really popular tag for every fandom because every fandom needs to be fixed for someone.

Liz:   I was very against the idea of fix it fic as a concept because I'm like, Sure you can change and you can alter what the show does, but ultimately, you know, what I love is canon. And then they blew someone up and I am very pro fix it fic. I am a Cornwell denialist.

Anika:   It's interesting. This is where my love of alternate universes comes in, where I can -- like a fix it fic is just an alternate universe, it doesn't mean that the canon didn't happen. It's like, here's a different way it could have gone. 

And I love that, because characters who are thrown into many different plots and many different situations and circumstances and the way things went, seeing the similarities, the throughlines, and their strengths and their skills and their innermost being, like, how it comes out? That's what's interesting to me, that's the identity stuff that I'm always talking about. That's like, this is what matters to this character.

Liz:   And there's a really interesting writing trick where, if you're not sure you understand your original character, you should go and write an AU of them. So if you're trying to write a fantasy, go scribble out a coffee shop AU and see, see what is actually essential to that character.

Anika:   Exactly, yes.

Liz:   And now I'm wondering, is the reason for the whole Mary Sue discourse, and this whole discussion about original characters in fan fiction, because a lot of these writers were novices and didn't have the skills to make people care about their original characters?

Anika:   Absolutely! I still have some of my fanfic that I wrote when I was 13. And it is bad. Even -- there are two Voyager fics that I wrote way back when that I put on my AO3, because they're the two that I think are acceptable, and they are still bad.

Liz:   Oh, yeah.

Anika:   They are … like, I put them up because I'm proud of them. But I'm proud of them twenty years ago. You know, it's like, thank God, I have improved since this time.

Liz:   The first fic I actually finished was a Savage Garden songfic where Q watches Janeway and Chakotay dance. It is not good at all. But in my defense, I was 14 years old.

Anika:   Exactly. And I think that that's, that matters. One thing that I really love about fanfic, and that I love about having a profile on Archive of Our Own, is that I can go back to this stuff that is fifteen years old, and I can say like, Oh, this is like, I'm telling this, this story again, in this new fic. But look at how much I've improved, look at how I've been able to, like, tease those ideas into something so much like -- into so much more of a blossom.

Liz:   And with these women who are writing fic in the '70s -- you know, the general profile of a Trekkie back then was a middle-aged, college educated woman who had married straight after college, had children. Maybe she had a part-time job as a receptionist, or a secretary or something like that. But this was her first creative outlet in decades. And her first writing work in decades. And it is the work of intelligent, educated but untrained writers who are practicing. And - - -

Anika:   Exactly, practicing. 

I love that fanfic doesn't have to have a beginning, a middle and an end. You don't have to waste time on telling them about the character, you can just tell them about what the character is feeling right now, because I already know who Spock is. 

So you don't have to tell me who Spock is. You just have to tell me what Spock is doing right now, and how it makes him feel, and how it's different from what he feels in the episode I just watched. 

It allows you to hone your skills with a very low like bar. You don't have to prove anything. The worst thing that happens is someone doesn't like your fic.

Liz:   And we talked at the beginning, and I guess this brings us full circle, but we talked at the beginning about how the criticisms in this panel were not the sorts of things that would fly today, and people could be really upfront about not liking stuff. 

But I read some of the letters of comment for big fics around this time, and there was one, and it's a very well known writer, and I cannot remember who she was - possibly even Paula -- no, not Paula Smith. 

Anyway, the letter of comment was basically, "You need to slow down," or, no, "she needs to slow down," it was a letter to the zine, not to the writer. 

"She needs to slow down and consider her pacing and really take time to settle into a scene and let things unfold. Because she is not a bad writer now, but she is going to be really, really good when she's comfortable enough to take her time." 

And that's really, really fantastic feedback. And put really kindly And so yeah, fandom hasn't changed that much.

Anika:   You know, you can go to college for literature, or whatever, and mostly you get beaten down. And you get told, you know, this is what you're doing wrong, and this is the way you need to do better. 

And fanfic is the opposite, where it's like, they're not going to tell you how to fix things necessarily. They're gonna encourage you, and even when they say something negative, it's in an encouraging way. And I think that the balance of both is the perfect, you know, that the best way to make a writer is to have both.

Liz:   Absolutely. 

Are we done? Should I outro?

Anika:   I think so.

Liz:   Okay. It's really hot here. I need another shower.

Anika:   I'm sorry.

Liz:   I'm sorry for Texas!

Anika:   It is. Yeah, it is cold and snowing here.

Liz:   If I could send you my excess heat...

Anika:   And I'm not Texas. Thank God.  

Liz:   Thank you for listening to Antimatter Pod. You can find our show notes at  antimatterpod.tumblr.com, including links to our social media and credits for our theme music. 

You can follow us on Twitter at @Antimatter Pod, and on Facebook, because as far as Facebook is concerned, we are not a news source. That's a bit of Australian humour for you. 

If you like us, leave a review on Apple Podcasts or wherever you consume your podcasts. 

The more reviews the easier it is for new listeners to find us and join us in two weeks, when we'll be discussing bisexuality and Star Trek.

Anika:   It will be great!

#antimatter pod #podcast transcripts

[jerrylevitch]

And there's also the misogyny apparent on your page, and the thinly-veiled homophobia surrounding Jerry. I was actually quite shocked by the way you laughed about him beating his kids in that one video, and your horrible little "I don't think he acted on it" in the discussion surrounding his possibly being bisexual - 'acted on it' like it's a compulsion, that's so horrible. Plus your confusion about Jerry not doing Some Like It Hot. Maybe he just took drag seriously? Your queerphobia is showing.

LMFAO WHAT???? I’m pretty sure I know who this is. Nerigby96, since I asked why you block me but still reblog my posts. If you have such an issue with Jerry spanking his kids, then why are you still a fan of him or Martin and Lewis. Get outta here. I was spanked as a child much more than Jerry spanked his children, which was literally twice according to Anthony. It was common place in the 1950′s and 60′s. My dad was whipped with a switch from damn tree. My mom was spanked constantly as a child, and that is just the way it is in Hispanic households. In fact if you look at some of the comments from people on that video, there are people who can’t believe Anthony or take him seriously, because in Latino and African American households, children are spanked every day STILL. My mom grew up in all that and it’s commonplace, so are you going to call those communities abusive for discipling their kids in the way that they see fit? Spankings on a child’s bottom, are not abusive. However hitting them elsewhere is definitely abuse. I was not abused and my family members were not abused in reference to what you said in your other ask. I never laughed about Jerry spanking his kids, so wtf? I have always said exactly what I said here. 

I’ll just respond to your other ask here:

“ Why do you act like what Jerry did to his kids was just 'discipline' or 'spanking'? It's either ignorance or willful obfuscation at this point, seeing as in the 1960s he bragged on TV about beating his son with a belt and leaving welts. I'm really sorry that you and your family members experienced abuse too, that's awful. Abuse is not a hierarchy, though, and it's awful to say that because you and others had it 'worse', that other 'varieties' of abuse are okay. I love Jerry but he was an abuser. “

You can just piss off. Stop being a fan if you’re going to be so hateful to Jerry Lewis and lie about him. Patti Lewis was abused as a child, and she would never have married someone who was abusing her children. She didn’t put up with it from her parents and left when she could. Jerry Lewis was practically abandoned by his parents. You’ve got a method of disciplining children from the past which literally everyone did, and you’re trying to think of it in today’s views? Please. And I have no idea what kind of queerphobia bullshit you are trying to accuse me of, but sorry you’re an idiot. Jerry Lewis literally said he didn’t like doing drag and he explained it in an interview from 1963, which is sadly not online anymore, but he literally said he didn’t like doing it. Which of course is odd because he did it in his solo film Three On A Couch, and some Jerry Lewis show specials. So I think Jerry was just contradicting himself when he was saying that, and that he did think it was fun to do in order to be silly or get a laugh. Was he doing it to be a professional drag entertainer, absolutely not. What exact misogyny is on my page? lol I think you’re just trying to throw out every term you can think of to attack me with absolutely nothing to back it up. 

It is my personal opinion that Jerry Lewis did not have sex with another man. I don’t care if you have a problem with that. Just because you want him to have had sex with another man, doesn’t mean it actually occurred. Did he kiss and have crushes on other men, absolutely? But there is literally no evidence to support that he indeed had sex with another man. If you want to show me proof where actually said he did, or someone else besides the FBI said he did, I would be happy to change my opinion. The closest he might have had sex with a man, may have been Tony Curtis since something definitely happened there to make them fall out with each other. I don’t he and Dean had sex with each other. You can still be bisexual and never have sex with either the same or the opposite sex, or not have sex at all for that matter. It doesn’t make you any less of a bisexual. Singer Robbie Williams always claims that he is bisexual, but could never go through with the sex part with a man. Those were his own words! Now I don’t believe him, and there is more evidence of him actually having sex with Gary Barlow and others, than there is of Jerry having sex with men. We just don’t know. Jerry had a compulsion to cheat, so yes “acted on it with men” would be the correct term as would he acted on his cheating instincts with women, would literally be the same thing. Either way he would be a cheater. Some people don’t act on their feelings whatever they may be sexual or non-sexual, and the term literally is not an offense to anyone’s sexuality at any time. But you want to find fault with everything I have to say. Also my friend Audi in the video you are referring to, is himself gay, and he found nothing wrong with my statement. In fact I just showed him, your post, and he thinks you're a nutjob. In fact he doesn't even think Jerry was bisexual at all. I'm the one who brought up that he likely was.

Definition of act on/upon

: to use (something, such as a feeling or suggestion) as a reason or basis for doing something. They never acted on the information they had. It's okay to feel angry or jealous, but you mustn't act on those feelings.

Anyway I really don’t care what you think, because most people aren’t crazy enough to go off on a tangent like this. Most people love what I have to say on Jerry Lewis. So again piss off whoever you are. Do yourself a favor and leave the Martin and Lewis fandom if you’re so easily disgruntled by my opinion, because I’m literally everywhere. I’ve put the most amount of Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis content online, and at least half of it wouldn’t be there without my blog or my youtube channels. So remove yourself. You don’t know me at all. 

And I'm sure the only reason you commented here instead of my actual youtube video is because you're an anonymous coward, and you know that Audi and others would come and kick your ass in the comments section. Audi has roasted people before and he will again.

#anon

[damienhaasbaybee]

Figured it out 😂 for the let's get personal, can I request that you do them all?

I DID IT BAYBEEEEEEE.

* 1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

I’ll Be There For You and Bad Medicine by Bon Jovi, In My Head by Ariana Grande, I Believe by Jonas Brothers, Air Force Ones by Nelly, and Chasing Pavements by Adele

* 2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

Harry Styles or Damien Haas so they can fall in love with me.

* 3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

“me that it was a sometimes temporary paralysis that causes damage”

* 4: What do you think about most? the fact that I have nothing to really work towards

* 5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

“I’m tireddd”

* 6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

without most of the time

* 7: What’s your strangest talent?

number and address recall 🙄 its embarrassing sometimes lol

* 8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

girls go to college to get more knowledge boys go to jupiter to get more stupider

* 9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

fuck no lol

* 10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

um... today.. in the car

* 11: Do you have any strange phobias?

raw chicken.

* 12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

a piece of ice so i could pierce my nose.

* 13: What’s your religion?

christian

* 14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

um... if its for pleasure... swimming.

* 15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

behind lol

* 16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

of all time... linkin park or one direction

* 17: What was the last lie you told?

that I’m fine lol

* 18: Do you believe in karma?

v much so

* 19: What does your URL mean?

um... i am damien haas’ baybee and he is also my baybee

* 20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

weakness, helping people until I die strength, i am honest

* 21: Who is your celebrity crush ?

james marsden, david dobrik, zac efron, miles teller, damien haas...

* 22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

no

* 23: How do you vent your anger?

i sing real fucking loud

* 24: Do you have a collection of anything?

one direction memorabilia lol

* 25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

either works with me tbh

* 26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

yes.

* 27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

sound I hate: hearing others talk on the phone, sound I love: rubbing clean hands on a clean table

* 28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

what if I’m just crazy and none of this is real

* 29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

yes and yes. anything is possible.

* 30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

my comforter both times lol

* 31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

a clean house lol

* 32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

uhhhh Louisville

* 33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

west coast because i have never been

* 34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

Harry Styles

* 35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

to leave the earth better than I found it

* 36: Define Art.

art is everything and nothing that a person wants it to be

* 37: Do you believe in luck?

I do. circumstances create luck.

* 38: What’s the weather like right now?

pretty clear

* 39: What time is it?

10:08pm

* 40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

yes and yes! I won’t say what it was but it hit ME.

* 41: What was the last book you read?

I tried reading Girl Wash Your Face but couldn’t get into it.

* 42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

Yes

* 43: Do you have any nicknames?

yes I do... you can call me queen tho.

* 44: What was the last film you saw?

Legally Blonde

* 45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

several ankles sprained severely on each side.

* 46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

no

* 47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

yes. damien haas.

* 48: What’s your sexual orientation?

bisexual, demisexual, pansexual????

* 49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

yes. I was pregnant.

* 50: Do you believe in magic?

no.

* 51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

yes, unfortunately.

* 52: What is your astrological sign?

cancer

* 53: Do you save money or spend it?

both!

* 54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

a carwash for my dads truck

* 55: Love or lust?

both

* 56: In a relationship?

somewhat

* 57: How many relationships have you had?

two

* 58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

no

* 59: Where were you yesterday?

home

* 60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

yes, my water bottle

* 61: Are you wearing socks right now?

no, never

* 62: What’s your favourite animal?

polar bear

* 63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

my hospitality (including dis mouf)

* 64: Where is your best friend?

idk, at home?

* 65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

oooooo bisquett, thebasketcase101, persistence-ofmemories, creativegoof, and zanesgirlfriend

* 66: What is your heritage?

I am part native american and european as far as i know. i want to do a 23andme so I can find out. My skin tans realllllly dark even with tons fo sunscreen on so that makes me think I have more Native American than I thought.

* 67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

I was definitely watching New Girl

* 68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

idk... Jones?

* 69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

biiiiitch of course I have.

* 70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

Yes. I may suck but I am loyal as hell and I’ll do anything for my friends.

* 71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

save the dog, fuck that job.

* 72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

a) yes b) spend it with family and write a book c) fuck yes. i am terrified of death all the time.

* 73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

trust. love is nothing without being able to trust.

* 74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

It’s A Great Day to Be Alive by Travis Tritt

* 75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

1389.. not in that order.

* 76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

honesty and communication.

* 77: How can I win your heart?

buy me food and show me that I can trust you with my heart. I sturggle to trust people. I also NEED to be called pet names.

* 78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

Yes.

* 79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

Quitting my toxic ass job.

* 80: What size shoes do you wear?

9.5

* 81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

She did her best, even when odds were against her.

* 82: What is your favourite word?

I dont have a favorite but my least favorite is “creamy”.

* 83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

Love.

* 84: What is a saying you say a lot?

“ooooo bitch”

* 85: What’s the last song you listened to?

Always You, Louis Tomlinson

* 86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

darkkk red and black

* 87: What is your current desktop picture?

bitch I aint been on there in so long, I have no clue.

* 88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

Donald Trump

* 89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

depends on who is asking, if its my family... asking my sexuality.

* 90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

Fucking scream and run.

* 91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

Mind reading.

* 92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

Seeing my dads face when I walked across the stage at graduation or him telling me how I looked in my junior prom dress.

* 93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

Watching my dad die.

* 94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

Harry Styles.

* 95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

The beach, pronto.

* 96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

Not anymore

* 97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

No

* 98: Ever been on a plane?

Yes. I loved it.

* 99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

Love others like you would like to be loved and see where that gets you.

#not smosh #whippt for haas #thank u em #she got her 99 smooches

[salty-dracon]

Some thoughts on The Caligula Effect 2

So I joke about this game getting a second remake to my friends online and the next moment I learn THIS was announced during the Japanese Nintendo Direct. Let me spill out my thoughts to spark discussion as well as provide a record to myself if this game actually does get localized.

Everything is under the cut!

My thoughts on Overdose were that it has a fantastic world... and that’s it. Out of the game’s cast, there were maybe four characters I liked, and the rest had moments that made me lose all sympathy for them. I recall it was common for some Let’s Players to like the villains better than the protagonists, and I’d agree on that front. I actually think the anime is the best iteration of this game’s story, changing up the formula enough to provide a really solid characterization arc to everyone. But Overdose suffers from poor writing issues (killing Eiji offscreen in the best ending was one of the worst decisions they made), rough handling of certain topics, boring and monotonous dungeons, and 500 social links you’re never going to do. I’m incredibly critical of this game, and I’d never recommend it to someone without a LOT of disclaimers, but somehow I still love it.

Already this game looks CRAZY good visually. It doesn’t look like a reskinned Vita game anymore, with something a little more reminiscent of say, the Digimon Story Cyber Sleuth games. That’s not to say that the game doesn’t still implement its fantastic character art, which still show up next to the speech bubbles. (At least the models have moving jaws. That’s important.)

Here’s to really hoping this game won’t be another Caligula 1 reskin, because uh... the game is about a protagonist who realizes that the world is a virtual one created by a Vocaloid who won’t let anyone out and joins up with a group of teenagers who also want to get out despite the fact that their real world lives were horrible so that they can set things right and they call themselves the Go-Home club (and also a Vocaloid gives them weapons made out of black stuff) but the people that are stopping them are basically the servants and guardians of the Vocaloid keeping them trapped in, who also happen to be humans who can’t return to the real world because their real world lives were so horrible, and so they have to fight because the Vocaloid won’t let them out otherwise. I mean, of course it won’t be a reskin, but I’m surprised at just how much of the original story they kept.

As for things they absolutely did NOT keep, DAMN this game looks dark! I was once remarking to a friend about how Caligula’s story would appeal better to me specifically if they’d gone with a religious pressure rather than idol stan theme, and they appear to have really pulled through with that religious pressure. I just realized, while writing this, that the image I showed off above actually has an image of an angel in the stained glass window being worshiped by fans with glow sticks. Furthermore, there’s a gothic cathedral-like altar, a halo behind Regret’s head, and this whole exchange looks like it takes place in a church. While I’m not religious myself, I can talk a lot about church architecture (see: my Fire Force livetweet) and I’m interested to see how this game handles it.

Not only that, most of the character designs seem darker and very different from the original game’s. Take a look at this game’s idol goddess:

Is μ going through an emo phase? I wouldn’t blame her lol. I think she still has a fantastic design that is in equal parts dreary and beautiful, while perfectly matching the color scheme of the new game.

And what a color scheme it is! The world of Caligula 1 had a gorgeous white, black, pink, brown, and gray color scheme framing bold pops of color in the form of flowers. Caligula 2 changes things up by making black the primary color framing everything else. The pops of color are so much bolder, too, from Noto’s bright yellow sweatshirt to basically everything χ is wearing. Do these changes reflect the story’s potential darker tone too? Or are they representative of something else?

We don’t know too much about the characters, but Caligula 2 looks like it’s giving them different weapons. It looks like the protagonists wield double knives instead of double shotguns. As for the other weapons, I see shortswords, katanas, chains, pistols (much smaller than Shogo’s), canes, and Qiyana’s ohmlatl from League of Legends. Definitely a shift from the original game’s weapons. I wonder if they’ll make a comeback? That giant gun was unique to say the least.

The Obbligato (I think?) are this game’s Ostinato Musicians. Italian for “obliged”, they are the ones who defend Regret from any threats. The one shown off most in the trailer is this guy who looks like the 1010 dudes from No Straight Roads. Man, he really looks like Shadow Knife in that image up there...

Also we get a, um, clown astronaut and a crazy high school yandere. Just to name a few. Definitely not the first time I’ve beat up a clown in a video game. Pretty unique as far as villains go, though. I hope this game has its own villain route, where you learn more about them. I’d really like that.

Social links! Looks like you rank up social links the same way you do in the original game. Do you want to make this character spill out all their trauma? Are you SURE about that, despite there being no negative consequences to you, the player? Awesome. Get ready to be sad.

The battle system is, from what I’ve read, similar, but not the same, as the battle system in Overdose. I’m not going to give too many details on that. They still seem to be time-based with combo chains, but they’re pretty vague. Looks like you still get to unleash crazy special attacks against your enemies. And they in turn can unleash crazy special attacks against you.

I absolutely want to see a. better characters and b. better overall writing. In my opinion these were the two weakest points of Caligula 1. Despite the protagonists’ tragedies, some of the little things they did made me sort of hate them. I did not like how everyone in the original Go-Home Club used Kotaro (who you learn is FOURTEEN!) as a verbal punching bag despite him being one of the kindest characters in the club. As for better overall writing, I stated before that I preferred the anime’s interpretation of events, because I thought they were in a better order overall. Besides killing Eiji offscreen, I hated how they wrote μ to be such a monumentally stupid character (I often point to Persona 5 Royal on how to write a villain like her well) and their, in my opinion, poor handling of certain topics like fatphobia. And though the character episodes sort of redeem them, it’s like... not really? The way I described it to a friend was that while the moral of Caligula 1′s story may have been “We live in a society and everyone’s dealing with their own hardships, but you can’t run away from them forever and you can at least be sympathetic to those facing them”, the character interactions end up dumbing it down to “We live in a society”.

Also an anime adaptation would be really sick. The anime just had so much better writing.

As for what I’m really curious about:

1. Who is Regret and how is she related to μ and Aria? We already know she’s a Virtuadoll like them, but if I recall correctly μ and Aria had some more concreteness to their backstories. Specifically, the human characters remember them existing as vocal synthesizer programs before they became the rules of Mobius. Regret’s backstory is that she just kind of showed up one day. Does she have different origins from μ and Aria? By the same merit, who is χ and how is she related to Regret, μ, and Aria? We know that χ opposes Regret and gives the Go-Home club the power to fight back against her, kind of like what Aria did in Caligula 1, but was she a co-creator of Redo like Aria was, or was her role completely different? The fact that she isn’t a little sparkle like Aria was (as a result of losing all of her power) indicates that their roles might be a little different.

2. What relationship does Redo have to Mobius? We know Mobius was created because Aria and μ wanted a place for humans to live without the sorrows they experienced in the real world. However, eventually μ was manipulated by everyone’s negative emotions and Thorn’s actions. This caused her to prevent anyone from leaving, and also the plot of the first game. Is Redo a second, improved iteration of Mobius, or a completely new virtual space? Were the goals behind its creation the same as in the first game? Or was there another force at work? Is Regret trying to copy μ or improve on her work? Or is she doing what μ did independently? I don’t think there’s enough information to predict the answer to this, but from what I’ve seen, there are a lot of similarities between the two worlds, from the high school to the end goal. However, there are some differences in tone. Mobius was a place to escape suffering, while Redo is being marketed as a place to escape regret. Redo also has a more religious bend than the idol theme of the first game.

3. What other links do the first and second games have to each other? People have been theorizing that Marie Mizuguchi/Wicked from the first game may return as Marie Amabuki (I think) in the second due to them having the same VA. There’s obviously the shared artstyle, symbolism, Catharsis Effect, glitchy NPC faces, and general setting. I also suspect that this game takes place after the events of Caligula 1. Not much I can say about this right now, but I wonder how everything joins up. Or if it even matters that they do. I haven’t seen too much on whether or not this game is being marketed as a standalone or a sequel, or if you even need to play Caligula 1 to enjoy Caligula 2.

Conclusion: While the Caligula series isn’t one I’d recommend to everyone, for the way it handles a number of sensitive topics, I will still be checking out Caligula 2 if it comes to the West. Though very little has been revealed thus far, so far I’m interested in the religious iconography used as well as the darker tone and colors presented in the game. As well as the characters, who have more varied and interesting designs including super unique weapons. I’m a bit disappointed that the plot, as it has been revealed, is an exact copy of Caligula 1′s plot, right down to the names of the protagonists’ faction. I was hoping for a bigger evolution to the story, but considering so little has been revealed in the first place, this may be a bit of a preemptive judgement.

That’s it. I hope you enjoyed my discussion of what I’ve learned so far.

#the caligula effect #caligula

[toasty-coconut]

You know, I realize I’ve been away from this blog for so long that I should probably give a life update?? If you’re curious about what my life has been like for the past 3 years, read on haha

I’ll just bullet point them...

Last I was really here on a personal level I lost my 15 year old cousin. I don’t really wanna get into the details of it since I’ve discussed it in the past. But it was a horrible accident that resulted in a HUGE and very tiring law suit that my family fortunately won. It’s an event that really changed the course of my life and my outlook on pretty much everything. It’s something I think about daily.

I graduated from college!! It took me 7 years to do it and nearly flunking out, but I did it and I’ve never been prouder of myself! >w< I have a degree in English and I couldn’t be happier! My graduation day was the proudest moment of my life!!

I work as an editor for an online magazine and it’s actually the worst thing ever lol I don’t wanna get too public about it, but I’ve been working there for 2 years now and my boss is literally the scum of the earth. I’ve been through probably 10 different rotations of coworkers and none of the people who were there when I started work there anymore lol The longest I’ve had a coworker for is 7 months. But hey, it’s a job, right?

I don’t speak to my mother anymore. Again, won’t get into too much detail, but we had a violent incident involving her take place a year and a half ago. The cops needed to be called and my sister and I were basically told we’re allowed to have a restraining order if we want (we chose not to because legal matters are... complicated). She’s SEVERELY mentally ill and being around her was doing more harm than good. We’ve tried to sort it out in therapy many times over, but she won’t give. A very recent incident involving her blowing up on Facebook has left us cut off from her entirely, pretty much.

I have my own apartment and I live with my two best friends! :D One of whom is my childhood best friend @kasuria and the other is my other best friend who I actually met here on Tumblr years ago @noodlerama! I’m so happy living with them. Getting to see them every day of my life is like a dream come true T AT Some people move in with their romantic S/Os, well I’ve got my best friend S/Os and I couldn’t ask for anything more!

My puppy Molly unfortunately passed away suddenly last June due to health complications :( She was 12 years old, which is a good age, but man I miss her so much. My mother didn’t even have the decency to tell my sisters and I that she was sick. We got the text 15 minutes before she died that she wasn’t doing well, so we didn’t get the chance to say goodbye and my mom buried her before we could come over so that we couldn’t see her. It’s something I’m still grappling with. Losing her was very hard on me and I miss her CONSTANTLY. I don’t think I’ll ever really be able to “move on” fully until I have a dog of my own. I just miss her so much.

But, on a happier note, Kelly, Dimitri, and I got a kitten last year! ; ^; She’s a black and white short hair named Mochi! She’s a little ball of energy who I adore to death. I’ve never had a cat before and never considered myself to be a cat person, but I just love her so much. She’s perfect in every way. She’s super friendly and affectionate. I just really love animals. I’m actually on a breeder’s list to get an Akita (Japanese) eventually, but I want to be a little more steady financially before I fully invest. Maybe next year?

I’ve picked up drawing again! I used to draw all the time, but lost confidence in high school and stopped. But then I decided... why not try again? And I’m really happy I did! It’s been so much fun and I’m learning all the time! I finally get to draw my OCs for real ; ^; I’m also still writing avidly! Especially lately! I’m pretty close to finishing the next PDTL chapter... I just have to... do it lol

Fandom-wise, you can probably tell I’m VERY into Little Witch Academia at the moment. I watched the show when it aired, but my love for it was reignited recently for no real reason lol I just adore Akko Kagari with all my heart... BUT Pokemon will always be my forever girl. I love Pokeani so much and have been watching the new series every week! I love Goh and Ash ;A; They’re such good boys! And I’m still super into Love Live! I actually got to see Aqours perform in LA a few years ago, and also got to see Guilty Kiss with all of my friends in NYC this past fall! It was so much fuuunnnn.

My OCs are still my life. Kelly and I have been working super hard on updating profiles and stuff. I don’t think I’ll ever tire of these kiddos. If you haven’t seen our pokeani OCs, please check out our blog @pkmn-downtheline!

Like everyone else I am... in quarantine right now and... dealing lol It’s not great, but I’m sort of an introvert by nature anyways, so it could be worse, I guess? I miss going out, seeing my friends, conventions, and everything, though... It sucks and I want this to be over. But I understand we gotta do this till COVID passes. But uugghhh I’m tired lol

That’s basically it! My life has had a LOT of crazy ups and downs over the past few years, but I’m still pushing through and moving forward. I just wanna take things one day at a time. But I’m here more once again and it’s been nice! Tumblr really is a good platform, even if it is a little broken lol

#Life update I guess? #Caroline Rambles

[watchinghannibal]

Season 1 Episode 3

I will go back and do eps 1 and 2, but this idea came to me now and I gotta write it.

I started this blog ‘cuz I’ve heard such good things about this show. I was excited it was coming to Netflix, but I sat in shock at the first two episodes. What in god’s name is happening on this tv show????? I’ll type my reaction as I actually watch the episode.

Background: I’m a psychology/psychiatry researcher, I am no expert but hope to be one day. I hope to go to grad school to get a PhD in social/clinical psychology.

Okay I just introduced myself as a psychologist but this rant HAS to start with the deer hunting. I grew up in Arkansas and I know a bit about deer hunting, and a lot about duck hunting. This might actually be a good place to start because I have a feeling that what angers me about this deer hunting scene is gonna anger me time and time again.

If you take 2 seconds out of your life to google-research deer hunting, you’ll immediately discover that these two big shots are giant idiots. They are not wearing hi-vis (that bright orange) and are barely wearing any camo. They also appear to be standing in the middle of an open field???? You need to HIDE from deer you doofus they don’t like humans. Because we shoot them.

I’m sure there’s miles of metaphors that this girl is shooting a female deer, but to me it just feels like a huge eye roll. We get it they hate women. She also aims for the head??? One of the smallest parts of the body? You gotta shoot the heart baby girl. 

Okay they are talking about how deer are like humans. If deer were like humans why aren’t there deer cities. And then just in case you did not understand their cryptic speak, Jumbo Idiot literally says, “They’re a lot like us”. Why, sir, did you waste my time comparing deer to humans if at the end you were just gonna come out an say “They’re a lot like us”. Seems wasteful.

WeRe GoNnA hOnOr HeR

Papa do not make me do this, DAUGHTER you sweet little daisy child HER MEAT IS OUR HONOR lemme give you a kiss mwah.

I guess this blog is better consumed while you actually watch the episode.

Will the hot, doggo man is once again in panties. In case you didn’t notice, Will says he will go “cover himself”, you know, like real humans tend to say.

This woman creeps me out. She reminds me of the handful of women who go into ABA to work with autistic kids and then claim they are in love with their patient/client. They have this need to fix people, they think they are the light at the end of the tunnel, the prophet who will actually reach these kids when no one else has. The way she protects Will and hangs around him, stares at him.

Oh hell yes Crawford. This man is certifiable. I absolutely love the plain, stupid US map on his office wall. Quality art. This dude... thinks Will is a savant who is walking the edge of a psychopath. I gotta say, what edge is he talking about? There is no spectrum that goes from psychopath to normal to Asberger’s. It’s like they.... did not understand anything about personality psychology or psychopathology. I mean, I can’t say I didn’t expect that, not everyone is an expert. This is just like the deer hunting - a few minutes researching online woulda cleared this up.

I WILL NEVER LIE TO YOU - OH BITCH SHE GOT YOU! SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING A LIAR WOULD SAY!!!! This sexy reporter is the first person to say the murderer was sick. This girl is so smart though she would never talk to a reporter. Get outta the room!!!

You shot my dad so yes I do remember you, sorry. Why is she walking like she has been in a wheelchair her whole life. I love the little ascot scarf to cover her HORRIBLE scar, how nice. “I’m gonna be messed up, aren’t I” - what your character says when you don’t know how to show instead of tell.

Will grimaces as he TRIES SO HARD not to tell this girl that he enjoyed killing Jumbo Idiot.

I’m so sorry for my sexy reporting UwU. I can undo all the weird things I’ve done! Literally, why does the FBI care at all about this sexy reporter??????? She wrote one article about Will being sus as fuck and the FBI is like this sexy woman has to die. If I had been in that room with Dr. Lecter where he scolded me like a schoolgirl and took my purse, I’d be writing a 10,000 word essay on this creepo psychiatrist who wildly and without abandon “psychoanalyzes” everyone in his path and is enabling unstable people.

Oh no the graffiti, oh wait they did not clean the blood up yikes. Bye mom. Okay can we talk about how this girl is a better actor than anyone else. She seems the most real to me too. Everyone else is like wacko. Dr. Mom says we can go if you like and the smart, intelligent girl is like go where you bozo??? A homeless shelter? This is my house! Damn she is interrogating Will. Okay RIGHT after I said this girl was real she became typical Teenager with spite in her words.

Dr. Mom jumps in to protect her hubby-son Will who must be protected. LOL Dr. Mom straight up told the girl that she can share craziness. I guess she’s a mom only to Will. Everyone else can Suck It.

THE MAN ON THE PHONE????????????? OH BITCH SHE KNOWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DR. LECTER SHE KNOWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why do people think this girl did this? Uh this man ain’t okay fucking run girl. Yes, piss off but also run. Oh he didn’t even have a gun what a loser. Ooh this feisty girl says bad words to her mom, another Teenager with spite in her words.

Why do we deserve to watch Will dream about killing girls? Honestly there are so many murdered women why give us more? Oh no did he feed human to this poor girl. Dr. Mom finally steps in, geez she really is stone cold when it’s not Will. Oh did that strange man kill her friend? 

Does Crawford REALLY FUCKING THINK THIS GIRL MURDERED HER FRIEND???????????? What the fuck man leave her alone. Uh Dr. Lecter would be HONORED to privately escort the girl that knows he called her dad before he went crazy. Oh damn she’s still alive.

Sexy reporter is just allowed anywhere I guess. I guess she’s just too sexy. Girl close the fucking blinds there is paparazzi. Oops. BIG OOPS.

Classic man move - I DIDN’T KILL HER I WON’T HURT YOU *slams her against a wall* oh SHIT LECTER? I guess this show is good in the sense that it is genuinely exciting at times.

This is good psychology. This manipulation right here.

She’s like I think I’d prefer to stay up here as far as possible from you with my little scarf. This Teenager is gonna figure out the premise to the whole show and then die isn’t she?? Ugh.

Well, thanks if you read this. I’m gonna do ep 4 and eventually (or maybe never) I’ll go back and do ep 1 and 2.

#hannibal #commentary #spoilers #tw: violence #tw: murder #tw: animal harm

[shawnies-rihno-blog]

Ready For Me

A/n= Its mostly based on Ready for me by Alessia Cara. I hope you enjoy reading this. Thank you so much for reading!

WC: 2.3k

Where y/n and Shawn have feelings for eachother, but y/n can’t help but feel ignored by Shawn, so she tells him to come back for her, when he’s ready.

Warning; Brief mention of Camila + Angsty + also sum cussing

-----

 It was about 2:45am, and everyone had left Shawn’s apartment. Now Shawn and I were cuddling in his bed, looking out his big window, seeing the city of Toronto alive as ever. As I look at the CN tower changing colours, I think about how I should not be here, that i should leave, because in the end I always end up hurt. Not him.

“It’s gorgeous isn’t it,” Shawn comments, as he intertwined our fingers together under the blanket.

“Ya. Kinda weird how the city looks so alive even though it's way past midnight,” I replied quietly, not wanting to ruin this peaceful vibe.

You should Leave. Leave. Leave. Dumbass Leave.

“It’s not more gorgeous than you though.”

I smile. You’re falling for him. Why are you being stupid. Leave right now.

I know I should listen to the voice in my head, but he’s so addicting, more addictive than nicotine. He is like a cigarette though, he’s bad for me but I can't have enough of him. And whenever he calls i cave in, even though the last time was supposed to be the last time I saw him.

“I’m gonna miss you so much,” he says, after awhile.

“Yea,” I say knowing he doesn’t mean it.

“You know that, y/n,” 

I hum in response. Shawn was leaving Toronto tomorrow to start his North American Leg of the tour. Shawn and I weren't just friends, because friends don’t do what we do, but what we have, it's not a relationship. It isn't friendship with benefits either, because that’s just sexual attraction towards each other and this relationship isn’t based on sex. Honestly, it’s complicated like a Facebook status. 

Whenever Shawn’s back in Toronto, he calls me saying he misses me, and that we should have breakfast together. He calls me over so I can sleep over at his place because he likes me very deeply. And then he leaves, whether it’s for tour, promo, or L.A. He forgets to call me and ask me if i'm okay, or even text, as if I never existed in his life. Then he’s seen with a girl, and i every single time I pretend that I couldn't care less. 

  He keeps saying it’s for “PR” and to help him with his new release, everytime he comes back to Toronto. But then I overhear him talking about how good she was in bed with his friends and I can't help but feel a little heartbroken. But I shouldn’t right, because we are not dating.

“You gonna stay the night here?” Shawn questions.

“Probably not,” I reply.

“Is there anything I can do to make you stay?” he asks suggestively, starting to lightly peck the crook of my neck.

“Shawn, you should go to sleep you have to wake up on time for you’re flight,”

“But I'd rather spend that time with you,” he says. And I look up to him seeing sincerity in his eyes. These are the moments that mess with my head, telling me what we have is real and that i'm actually important to Shawn.

“Please, y/n,” he says again. “C’mon it’s my last night, and i wanna spend it with you,” he continues.

“Okay,” I agree reluctantly. “ But all we are going to do is sleep, cus I have an early class tomorrow and you have to catch a flight,” I added.

“As long as I'm with you baby, nothing else matters,” he adds lovingly. So much for being just friends.

----

I wake up to sunlight shining brightly in my eyes. Then i feel little pecks on my face. On my forehead, both cheeks, my nose and lastly my lips. I instantly smiled, knowing who is kissing me.

“Good morning, sleeping beauty,” Shawn says raspily, with a wide smile on his face.

“Morning, what time is it.” 

“7:15.”

“Oh okay, i have to leave in like 20,”

“Why don’t you go freshen up, and i’ll make you breakfast?” Shawn suggests.

“Watch you burn down the whole kitchen,” I add cockily.

“I’m an amazing cook! And i don’t burn stuff,” he replies defensively.

“Mhmm. I'm gonna pretend to believe that.”

I get out of his bed and head to the bathroom freshening up. When I’m done I head to the kitchen, meeting a shirtless Shawn who is wearing only his pajama pants. It wouldn’t be horrible to be stuck with this view for the rest of my life.

He turns around, clearly amused by my staring, “like what you see?” he questions as he moves the pancake from the pan to the plate. 

“Shut up, it’s not good to be self obsessed,”

“But if you look as good as me, its okay right?!”

He presents the plate of pancakes with maple syrup on top. When I'm done taking my first bite, Shawn says “Ya i know they taste good, no need to tell me.” 

“Actually I was gonna say, that they are really bad,”

“Heyyyy!”

“I’m kidding, they are really good,”

“Ya i know,” He replied cockily.

After finishing my breakfast, while chatting with Shawn, I tell him I have to go, or i will miss my class. I head to the door, Shawn grabs me, pulling me into him. Pecking my forehead and then kissing me with passion.

“Don’t leave, please.”

“You know I have too, Shawn.”

“Ya…” he replies sadly.

I can’t help walking out the door a little disappointed. Maybe i should've stayed, it’s just one class right? I push those thoughts out of my head and head to my apartment to grab my books. I hear my phone go off as I walk out of my apartment heading to my university.

Shawn: I miss you!

I swear this boy. He’s going to make me go crazy. I reply with a quick “i just saw you, you can’t possibly miss me,” and head to class, clearing my head.

---

It’s been 3 weeks since our last conversation. I shouldn’t be surprised but I always am. The last time we talked was when I texted him congratulating him on Senorita and he replied with a simple ‘thank you’. I asked him how tour was going, but he just replied with a great, not putting much effort in the conversation, so I didn't either.

One day as I'm scrolling across Instagram, i see a post of E!News, talking about Shawn seen mingling with a girl. I didn’t care much until i found out who the girl was. Camila Cabello. She was the girl Shawn filmed Senorita with. I really thought Senorita was just a music video, because Shawn always said they were just friends, so I didn't pay much attention. But after seeing those pictures i couldn’t help but feel a pang of jealousy.

Last time we saw eachother, I really thought we could be something, and that i wouldn’t end up hurt. But I'm always wrong aren’t I. It’s my fault for being involved with a guy like Shawn anyways. Why would he settle with me, a girl who doesn’t even have her life together yet. 

The worst part is, none of Shawn and I’s friends know about our ‘relationship’ because as Shawn said “our relationship is gonna get leaked, and Andrew is not gonna be a big fan of that,” so I can’t go to them asking for comfort. I don’t know if i was hurt about the fact that Shawn did what he does again, or that I was stupid enough to think that he would settle with me.

Days pass and more videos and pictures of them surface online, one of the videos bothering me particularly. Shawn didn’t bother contacting me, so I didn't either. 

---

As summer came by, my friends from university and I decided to camp up north of Toronto. While camping i made a lot of new friends, one particularly cute one, named Jackson. We got really close, and later I found out we were both studying the same field. By the end of the trip he asked me for my number, which I gave happily. 

When I got back home from the trip, the first thing I did was open Instagram and post pictures from the trip, since there was no internet in the woods. I also started hanging out with Jackson, he made me happy, but I couldn't help but think I was cheating on Shawn.

Jackson and I end up going on a couple of dates, both enjoying each other's company. One night, after I get back from a party, Shawn calls me. I’m a little confused and surprised by not knowing the reason behind his call. I answer his call, not knowing what to do. 

“Heyy! y/n, i came to Toronto for like 2 days. I was hoping we could meet up.”

“Hii... That’s random, lol.”

“Ya i know, i was missing you so i thought to visit Toronto and see you.” Here we go again with his bullshit.

“Oh.” I reply clearly unimpressed.

“Well I’m actually right outside your apartment, wanna open the door for me?” He questions and I can already imagine the big smile on his face.

I end the call and head to open the door. As soon as I opened the door, Shawn grabs me and hugs me tightly, as if he let go, his world would collapse.

“Shawn please stop,” i try pushing him away. 

“What?” he questions, hurt flashing on his face for a brief second. 

“You can’t just pretend to miss me, when you didn’t even contact me once in the past four months,” I state trying to hide my feelings.

“But i do miss you, you know im really bad with communication, and most of the time I don't even have my phone.” He tries to explain. I can already feel my heart empathizing with him, but I tell myself that I'm not going to fall for his lies this time. 

“Shawn, its- uh- i don’t know, but you need to stop with your excuses.”

“But they are not excuses, and you know that. C’mon i thought you were the one person who actually understood me.”

“No! Don’t you dare say that. I try my best to understand you and your bullshit. But I can’t okay!” I say raising my voice, he was starting to piss me off.

“What bullshit? If you are really complaining about me not contacting me, maybe you should’ve!” Shawn replies, raising his voice to match mine.

“I did!” 

“Ya once, congratulating me, and I REPLIED. You are the one who left me on seen after that.”

“Shawn, maybe you should leave, we can have this conversation later.” I replied quietly, knowing raising my voice would do nothing.

“Why? Cus’ your boyfriend is coming over?” Shawn scoffs. I’m taken aback by his remark, since when did I have a boyfriend.

“What boyfriend?” I question, truly confused.

“Who are you lying to here?”

“Shawn i don’t have a boyfriend, why are you accusing me of shit.”

“Oh really, so that Johnson guy is just your friend right?” Shawn spits.

“You mean Jackson?”

“You really think I give a crap about his name.”

“We are not dating, but yea we’ve been on dates, but why would that even matter, when you don’t even care about me.” I say, getting more pissed off by the second.

“Wow. I guess I really was wrong about you. I really thought we had something, but you throw that right out the window as soon as someone makes a move on you? Honestly I can't even say that, maybe you made a move-” I cut him off, because he’s being ridiculous.

“Oh don’t you even dare go there. You cannot say this shit to me, you’re the one who threw us out the window the second you decided to kiss that girl. Do you even realise what you're doing.” I say raising my voice again.

“I told you it’s PR! What part of that do you not understand?!” He replied angrily.

“Oh I thought, only hand holding was for PR, i guess you finally got an upgrade and started sucking girl’s face publicly.” I say clearly pissed.

“Why do you have a problem with my career! You know this is apart of my life. Why can’t you understand that.”

“Cus’ clearly i’m not apart of your life,” I say, tears forming in my eyes.

“Y/n, you’re the biggest part of my life,” Shawn says quietly.

“Right, that's why we can’t walk down a street, or that's why our friends can’t find out about us, because you're too scared or probably too ashamed to be with me.” I say, tears threatening to spill.

“I'm not ashamed to be with you. There is nothing to be ashamed off. There is just so much going on in my life, and I don't want to pressure you with my life. And I still have a lot of things to figure out.” Shawn’s face is flushed now, probably by all the yelling.

“Right and you think pushing me away is totally helping me?” I question.

“Y/n-”

“No just stop okay! You clearly have too much going on, and you keep saying everything is PR when i don’t even know if it really is. You aren’t ready for me or this relationship-”

“No you can’t just-”

“Shawn just don’t even okay! Figure things out, and come back. And i'm not saying i’m gonna wait for you, cus’ I’m not gonna and i'm not going to promise and then lie, but I'll always be around.” I say wiping tears away, trying my best not to breakdown in front of him.

“Y/n, just please- i’m begging you, just give me a chance,” Shawn begs with tears in his eyes.

“Shawn, please figure things out, do what you have to do until you’re ready for me.” I say, as I can feel my heart physically crack.

The funny thing is, when an addict is over his addiction, he feels happy as if he has accomplished something. But I can't help but feel empty and weak inside, even though I got over my addiction.

 I guess yay for me!

---------

oMg. I don’t even know if i like how i wrote it, but i like the idea of this idk!!! But thankyou SOOOOOOOOO much for reading, it means so muchhhhh. I hope there aren’t many errors or gramatical mistakes. I hope u enjoyed reading it, pls leave feedback if u like! X.

Also if you have requests, you can leave them in my inbox!

Thankyou once again!!!!

#shawn mendes #Shawn Mendes Imagine #shawn mendes smut #shawn mendes masterlist