#he thought of her before death.

[planetmaven]

reminder that Cal dropped one of the most romantic lines in YA book history and no one talks about it.

War Storm, "I thought of you in the end. I saw your face in the water."

#COME ON #ren💌cal #he thought of her before death. #who wanna love me loke that 😞 #cal is so underrated idk how I ever hated him as a kid #victoria aveyard #authors #booklr #books & libraries #bookworm #red queen #glass sword #kings cage #war storm #cal calore #mare barrow

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

MDZS Disco Elysium AU part 2 - Psyche Skills

Part 1 - Part 3

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #disco elysium #MDZS disco elysium au #jiang cheng #jiang yanli #yu ziyuan #While it's more in vogue to draw a character's skill roster tailored to them - #One of the more subtle details I love in DE is how some of the skill portraits parallel character portraits of people hbd associates with. #Theres somethine rather poetic to be said about how other people shape out thoughts and sometimes act as a 'voice' in our head. #How we are in part a collection of impressions other people left behind on us. #I am a huge Skillhead (Those are my friends! My party members! They love me! They have their own agendas and alliances!) #so of course a healthy portion of this AU is dedicated to them <3 #the Int skills go basically unchanged from DE. Psy as well (with changes to a few quirks in voice). #Fys skills though...well...wwx is in a different body! Those voices belong to Someone Else. #Esp electrochem (MXY in this AU also partied to near death. WWX is withdrawing and craving substances he's never even heard of before) #While I personally don't fully subscribe to Volition Jean I *do* see Volition Jiang Cheng. The voice of your Not Brother keeping you afloat #All three of these parallels make me unbelievably sad. They are also both purple. Art is like that sometimes. #Empathy Jiang Yanli...oh man do I have a lot of thoughts about her. Disco fans Who Know....you can probably see what I'm cooking. #Authority is a really interesting skill in DE because *yes* its about power and intimidation - but it's also about finesse and respect #Titus Hardie and YZY both abuse *and* finesse how they establish their authority - in a way that leaves quite an impression. #2 more mdzs disco posts that I *need* to create and then I'm off to working on raffles <3

[anna-scribbles]

h-how do you ever finish any of your work? genuine question because you seem to be productive despite your agreste syndrome and I need to learn your ways. but also how do you ever finish any of your work

unclear. last night i stayed up and finished a report worth 25% of my grade at about 5am, arrived on time for my 9am lecture, and spent about half of it zoned out while thinking about seventeen year old emilie agreste. and i was one of the most active participants in the class discussion

#in some ways it IS the move to go to grad school right out of undergrad #because your body can still sort of operate like a college kid #i’m on about 3ish hours of sleep rn and this morning it felt SO over but now i’ve eaten something and we’re so back #i also don’t really do caffeine. except sometimes i’ll go get one of those panera death lemonades #i might be able to snag a short nap before work #but anyway about seventeen year old emilie. i was thinking abt how she was in that movie solitude and adrien said she was seventeen #WAIT. NO. HE SAID SHE WAS SEVENTEEN IN THAT PHOTO ON HIS DESKTOP NOT IN THE MOVIE #well. okay whatever i’m gonna tell you what i was thinking about anyway #OKAY i’m back i just checked the wikipedia page and then i watched the end of gorizilla. to make sure i’m not lying. because i’m normal. #anyway i was thinking about the solitude film and how it’s super rare and old and obscure and whatever. and how apparently #emilie wrote it herself and andre produced it #and i’m thinking about how gabe was discovered by audrey and that’s how he got his start in the fashion industry #so now i’m like?? did gabe and emilie first meet on the set of solitude? because gabe was designing costumes or whatever? #and that’s how audrey found him? have people already thought about this?? #also i just checked and it doesn’t say emilie’s last name in the credits and also it’s ‘graham films’ with the twin rings logo m #so i’m assuming she’s still emilie graham de vanily at that point #anyway it comes back to seventeen year old emilie because i started imagining seventeen year old runaway emilie having her new life in pari #after escaping her british nobility life #and the first thing she does is write and star in an original movie. of course. #and she meets this repressed bisexual punk upstart costume designer who is so the opposite of everyone she’s ever known #and he’s immediately so unhealthily obsessed with her. which she appreciates. #and then they proceed to have the most toxic doomed evil relationship of all time #also she gets cheated because once gabe gets money he represses himself SO hard that he is now exactly like all the people emilie grew up w #but at least he’s still obsessed with her #this is what i was thinking about during class today. i don’t know how i get anything done either. #ml #anna rambles #asks

[poisonousquinzel]

thinking about just how likely it is that Batman was the only person Harley told about having suicidal thoughts whilst in Arkham in Detective Comics #831

"I was seriously considering hanging sheets from the light in my cell and doing the maximum checkout when I heard this voice..."

Detective Comics #831

and how he knew when she strapped that bomb to herself in Batman (2016) #100 that he had to go after her because she was going let herself die in an attempt to end Joker's rampage for good but that she refused to physically do it because he didn't want to her Kill him and he told her that so she's found a middle ground

"We don't need to end it this way. He needs to be locked back up."

that she'd rather die than keep living with his presence in the world haunting her, haunting Them.

That if he did choose Joker, she wasn't going to disarm the bomb herself.

"Honey. You're talking to the wrong girl if you think he's not dangerous locked up in Arkham. It's like I said. That's not good enough for me. Not anymore."

the way he yells for her as she leaves.

"You're only going to get to one of us in time, Bats. Who's it going to be?"

"Harley!"

the way the two men stare at each other in the way they have so many times before, in those moments when Joker stayed or prioritized their fight over her. the way he knew Joker loved the thrill of it all and thought it was funny, thought there was No way Batman would leave him and that this game had to end as according to the rules. And that Batman would do so, he would follow the rules and save him. The way he immediately assumed Batman would choose him, choose his life and choose to stay and disarm the bomb.

And how Batman didn't do that. How Batman walked away from him, leaving him to die or escape or whatever, because He was choosing Harley and her safety and prioritizing her life over him.

The way he stared him in the eyes before choosing the woman Joker had always left to die over him. The way that it was always Him, it was never a question if he would choose Batman over her, but when faced with that type of scenario, Joker is the one that gets left behind to die.

The way she literally woke up in the hospital instead of them having a scene just outside after he removed it. because she didn't intend to live in one of the two options. the way the bomb probably did go off to some capacity because you don't just end up in the hospital knocked out for a week.

Him saying that he's glad she's okay, after everything they've been through, this war and Everything else. and the way he didn't brush off her concern

"I'm glad you're okay."

"Are you?"

"I had to bury my father again today. I did it with my family."

i just, i can't,,,,, i cant

#have i told yall how much i love batquinn because i really fuckin do #they make me miserable and emotional in all the best ways #we deserve more well written content with them FUCK #and like she COULD have killed that fuckin man when she shot in through the eye but she didn't because she knows how he feels about Murder #even tho j*ker had exposed his identity and was about to horrifically disfigure him in such a similar way to how he permanently changed her #and led her to believe he was going to do AGAIN #during the rebirth death in the family arc when she thought he was going to carve off her face #like she had such a solid reason to just kill him and she could have defended it to batman but she still didn't break that rule #that she knew meant so much to him because shes trying and she doesn't want to ruin the budding trust they've got #and just #i cant #i cannot do it y'all #AND SHE KNOWS HE'S BRUCE AND SHE DIDN'T MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT BECAUSE IT WASN'T SOMETHING BATMAN WANTED EXPOSED #BUT SHE KNEW SHE KNOWS #she heard J*ker say it right before she shot him #and like that just also something she knows he didn't want her or anyone (let alone fucking j*ker) knowing so her aiming for a non deathblo #just #tw abuse mention #tw clown boy #tw blood #tw suicide mention #harley quinn #harleen quinzel #batman #bruce wayne #dc comics #batquinn #♧ comic thoughts ♧ #♢ meta & analysis ♢

[stagefoureddiediaz]

Currently feeling a bit feral over the fact that Natalia means Christmas Day - as in the birth of Jesus Christ and Bucks story is so heavily leaning into the birth death and resurrection of Christ - the saviour - as a central part of his narrative arc. Her presence is literally about the birth of buck - as in processing his grief about why he was born - as a saviour baby.

#Buck hasn’t processed that trauma that dates back to his birth #he was never allowed to grieve the brother he didn’t know he had #and then he was in a coma where he created this version of Daniel - a deep rooted trauma response in itself #but that’s brought the Daniel of it all closer to the surface of his concious #and he needs to process and grieve and allow himself to move on from that #and I think Natalia the death doula is a key part of this - because she is ideally situated to help him process that specific trauma #this isn’t so much about his own recent brush with death (although it’s part of it) it’s about going back to the beginning and processing #he needs to deal with the Daniel of it all before he can deal with everything else #in the same way we had Eddie going back to his own root trauma - with his father - and processing and dealing with things #via frank. this is just Buck taking a different path which will have a similar outcome #yes Buck May date her as he goes through this process but ultimately he’s attracted to her metaphysically - because she can help him #not because he’s actually attracted to her romantically #also the show has doesn’t too much time recently showing us the buddifer family - to ensure we can see where things are heading #before it continues to process their trauma #thinky thoughts #911 spoilers #911 on fox #911 fox #911onfox #evan buckley

[crowberri]

Kc and leshys tragic friendship makes me so unwell actually

#inscryption #kaycee hobbes #leshy #like wdym he thought luke was kc #wdym he has a whole ass room dedicated to memorializing kc in act 2 #the thought of him finding out shes dead after all this time #the disappointment when he figured out it wasnt kc he was playing with #and oh man kc literally burying her friend before facing her death #i am so unwell #inscryption spoilers #crowberri.txt

[godw0ntletmedie]

Head empty, no thoughts, only sad baby girl

#our flag means death #ofmd fanart #edward teach #blackbeard #ofmd edward teach #my art #consistent artstyle? Haven't heard of her. #Also ummm I have thought about this before but it just hit me again when finding references for this pic that #Ed isn't wearing a shirt under the robe?? #he actually took his shirt off before putting the robe on and I just #is it because he wants to seek comfort in the softness of silk against skin? #and he wants something that belonged to Stede to touch his skin #i'm rambling #in my defense it is almost 3 am

[good-beanswrites]

I can't stop thinking of Kyanako's Order of Attack au... there's something so moving to me about how things getting so much worse could be what finally causes Amane to get better -- seeing Fuuta dying may be the final straw of getting her to rethink her rejection of medicine. Been a while since I've attempted something whump-y, this was fun to work with.

Tw for mentions/contemplation of death. I don't go into detail about the cult but the doctrines are implied through it all.

Fuuta was not a big fan of dying.

When he imagined his own death, he always pictured it as something dramatic and fast. Action heroes going out in a show of explosions and gunfire. Fantasy characters meeting the shining end of a blade. Even when he accepted his place in Milgram, it filled his mind with images of gallows and electric chairs. 

Whatever this slow, lengthy fever was, it was pissing him off. 

He’d lost all sense of time. He could no longer tell which hour the prison bells were marking -- morning and night blended together. Dreaming and waking blended together. His head injury and broken leg and broken bones blended together. It was all just pain at the end of the day. He had nonstop visitors that kept him awake and asked him too many questions and prodded his injuries and made his head spin. Somehow, he was simultaneously alone every time he rolled over to talk to someone. Painfully, suffocatingly alone. 

If Kotoko was going to kill him with those ridiculous emo boots of hers, she should have just done it. He was losing his mind here: devoid of all energy, suffering through broken bones and a cracked head, and boiling in an increasingly fiery fever. Maybe that was the reason he stopped commenting when he watched Amane pocket the medicine Shidou had left him. Maybe that was why he’d stopped following Shidou’s instructions himself. Even after losing an eye and taking a beating herself, Amane always looked at peace. He was tired of dealing with all of this. He wanted a bit of that peace.

Regardless of why, it was working. His fever had quickly gone from the biggest pain in his ass to the very thing that dulled his racing thoughts. 

He awoke suddenly, or maybe he’d already been awake. He couldn’t feel anything in his limbs. There was only a breathless heat around him. He raised himself into a sitting position, looking for a drink. Moving his head felt like one of those glitching computer windows that leaves a trail of copies behind it. The room swam around him. His eyes moved absently around him.

Fuuta picked up the glass that someone had left him. His fingers were clumsy, and it immediately went crashing to the ground. He hardly heard the noise as it broke apart on the concrete below. 

He swung his legs over the side of the bed. He’d just go get a drink himself. Shidou told him not to get up without help. But what did he know? Thinking of the man ordering him around only drove Fuuta to step out of bed even quicker. He cried out, pain shooting through his leg. That was right, it was broken… 

Fuuta looked down, finding himself on the ground. It was so hot. Maybe this is what she felt, he thought numbly. Was it this slow for her too? Probably not. She had no regrets to fill the time like he did. The heroes got quick, beautiful deaths, and it was the villains who had to suffer the long ones. 

He lifted his right palm from where it had caught his fall. The shattered glass on the floor had cut into it. Shattered glass? What had broken? He stared blankly at the blood dripping down. 

He didn’t have the strength to raise himself up. He was burning. Why was he on the ground? Was he bleeding? He could barely breathe. What was he doing here, anyway? He just wanted to curl up and sleep. He was so weak... just to lie down... he wouldn't have the strength to get back up again. Was that such a bad thing...?

A voice caught his attention. His eyes struggled to focus on the figure who’d come running into the cell. He couldn’t understand a word of what she was saying, but he was happy when she pressed her cool little hands against his forehead. 

He allowed her to prop him up next to the bed. She held onto his hand, squeezing it tight. Why was she holding it like that? That hand was bleeding. When did that happen?

Her arms wrapped tightly around him. He wanted to shove her away -- it was too hot -- but couldn’t. In his ear, he could make out her words. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please, Fuuta. Don’t leave me alone. I’m so sorry...”

As she pulled back, he recognized Amane. Her uninjured eye was filled with tears. Was she upset? He thought he’d been making her happy. He wanted to keep making her happy. He’d never made anyone happy before. 

He opened his mouth to say something, but no words would come out. They all scrambled up in his mouth. He felt the cell swirling around him.

Amane raised her voice. She looked desperately upwards. “This can’t be --! This isn’t right!” 

Fuuta looked up at the ceiling. There was nothing there. 

“I can’t do this anymore.”

She continued talking. Fuuta was too busy studying the ceiling. She was shouting. Or maybe crying. Fuuta didn’t like that she was so upset. Huh, had there been someone there? He surveyed the empty cell. What was he doing on the ground?

He looked down at his hand. The sheet from his bed had been pulled down and wrapped hastily around it. Why? His eyes felt sticky as he blinked. Everything hurt. It was so hot. What was going on? He was so angry. He was so scared. He wanted to cry. Why was he here? Why couldn’t he just hurry up and die already?

The next time she entered, Fuuta recognized Amane instantly. Her one hand pointed to him, the other held onto someone else. The second figure hurried over to him. 

Fuuta was not a big fan of dying. Shidou reassured him he wouldn’t.

—

“You’re wearing the eyepatch,” Fuuta observed. 

He was playing a dangerous game, drawing attention to it like that. He was too exhausted, and his curiosity won out over his better judgment. If Amane was going to explode with one of her typical speeches, he’d just let her.

She didn’t. 

Amane’s hand drifted up to her eye. It had been hastily covered before, but now it was cleaned and wrapped in professional-grade materials. She simply said,  “Kajiyama Fuuta. How do you feel?”

“Like shit.”

“But--”

“-- But I’m better, yeah.”

Amane nodded, her shoulders releasing. 

“Oi, I haven’t seen you in a while. Not since…” He wasn’t sure how to finish the sentence. Shidou had told him what happened, but it was difficult to believe. He couldn’t quite trust his own memory of the night. No matter how much clearer his mind felt since receiving proper treatment, those days of fever still muddled together. He heard that Amane had up and switched her beliefs overnight -- she was now complacent about all of Shidou's treatments -- but Fuuta knew people didn't just change like that. He wanted to hear it for himself.

She lowered her gaze in shame. “I… I thought you hated me.” Her voice was steady. “As you should. I almost killed you. I accept any ill will you may feel.”

“I -- what? You’re wrong. You… it wasn’t…” He grabbed his head, grunting in frustration.

After standing awkwardly in the entryway the whole time, Amane took a few steps inside. She made it to his bedside when he finally collected his thoughts. 

“It was your fucked up family or whatever that caused everything. They did this. And I went along and made things worse.” He looked away. His next words felt stupid to say to a little kid. He felt like the most pathetic, weak, loser. But it was too important not to say.

“They almost killed me. You saved me.”

#milgram #fuuta kajiyama #amane momose #i am emotional about them!!! #my other drabble between them hinted that fuuta would convince her away from her dangerous beliefs before things got too bad #but i wanted to see what would happen if things Did get bad ya know #we were talking about what could convince amane to think twice about the medicine ban (if anything) #and i think seeing her closest friend is literally on deaths door finally gets through to her #shes sees him weak and bloody and completely out of it and knows this is Wrong #i dont know how long it takes fuuta to realize that it really was all for him that she changed but he does accept it eventually #it helps both of them grow #he feels worth saving (and therefore worth turning his life around) and she is freer from her cult #not completely #but one step at a time #tried to make fuutas narration simpler and shorter to reflect his thoughts but idk if that worked #i thought they were going to do a lot of stuff with mahirus head injury and memory but they never did- i played around with that a bit here #i thought about writing out amanes monologue to her god about how shes not doing this anymore but 1. its more dramatic to leave that to #the imagination and 2. idk if its silly but some things are so personal for a character and i dont wanna intrude... like yeah its my #story but thats between her and god fr #drabbles #tw cults #tw child abuse

[reanimatedgh0ul]

#anyways my new hc for lance just dropped #sym bionic titan #i feel like lance wouldn't figure out he's nby until he's been living on earth for like awhile #bc i honestly imagine before that he thought he was a cis guy #then he gets sent to earth on this important life or death mission w the fate of galaluna on his shoulders #only to also end up w a gender identity crisis on top of all that lol #ilana after lance tells her he's nby: omg we're both trans ^-^ #i hc that ilana is also a trans girl btw #no one in the lunis family is cis (including octus) #robi hcs #robi rambles

[dixidin]

Me before Fontaine: I mean... yeah, they all are very pretty, but no one is really sticking out to me

Me after seeing everyone's personality: Hey what if I exploded?

#PLEASE EVERYONE HAS SUCH RICH PERSONALITIES #AND NEUVILLETTE???? OH MY GOD I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN HE IS JUST LIKE ME FR #FURINA HAVING A SPILT PERSONALLY AND INNER THOUGHTS AND SHIT RAAAAHHH #NAVIA??? I LOVE HER SHE'S SO SWEEEEEETTTTTT SHE EVEN ASKED IF TRAVELER WANTED ANY FOOD BEFORE THEY LEFT AAAHHH #ALSO NAVIAS AND NEUVILLETTES ENTIRE ARC OF THE DEATH OF HER FATHER.... WHAT IF I STARTED CRYING RN HU #Don't even get me started on Lyney boy was willing to risk it all just for Lynette's sake I'm crying

[blaqueswanzaghouliishiilikeda]

bare with me bc im fatigued but unable to sleep so i’m just here thinking and need to get my thoughts out, but i think much of louis’ passivity stems from his relationship with his mother and family. we don’t really see him become passive until claudia arrives. please correct me if i’m wrong but i believe that side of him is awakened once that traditional family structure is solidified in his home and i think the du lac family has a lot to do with why he’s like that and not just that he’s incapable of acting or choosing.

i see him and i see the child/mother that doesn’t want to repeat his mother’s failings on his own family but takes it so far to the extreme that it means he refuses to confront anything ever bc he feels he’s communicating the unconditional love he never received. he really is someone who wants the ones in his life to know they can be loved through anything. whether or not people receive it in the way he gives it i don’t think should be put on his shoulders as much it is.

he doesn’t have healthy understanding of discipline/consequences bc he was punished for things he couldn’t help like his queer identity. it doesn’t really seem like growing up he got into much trouble, again correct me if im wrong. other than paul his pimping isn’t really admonished by the du lacs bc it affords them their lifestyle. they are willing to distance themselves from it bc they get the house and the staff and the honeymoon trips etc. but they won’t overlook who he is. and it outweighs anything else. and that’s a weird thing to process being punished for bc the only thing you can do is deny yourself. but they know. so you hiding it and they know and they show you they disapprove even if you’re trying to play by their rules. it creates a complex.

then there’s paul. he’s the only one who really took it on to take care of paul and establish a relationship with him. i think florence probably didn’t push back against his institutionalization and grace seems to agree he belonged there. louis was the only one who saw how it negatively impacted paul. he loved paul that was his favorite person and then he killed himself and florence blames him for simply being there. this is where he starts to go from the favored son to the scapegoat which is a fucked transition to experience and i think its super underestimated how badly louis is impacted by it. it also happens when he starts to openly entertain lestat so it’ll never matter that his last moments with paul were expressions of love bc his all florence sees is that he’s been acting in sin and so of course he must of done and said something to kill her baby who he was raising and caring for in her place btw. when paul was upset he went to louis not florence. the last thing he ever said to paul was he loved him and he still died and florence blames him for it. he’s always punished for loving as far as he’s concerned.

then he does make “a choice” to become an immortal monster/companion/wife, which given all the circumstances is very much not much of a choice on his part, but he decides to go with what he wants and that choice is at the center of the unraveling of almost all the things he cares about and links to his human identity. and he clings to his human identity so i believe that fucks with his ability to trust his own decision making for sure. it’s the loss of his role in his family slowly but surely and everything he did he did for them. he always struggles with his decisions about how he supports his family and how he copes w the impact it has on his community. so if in choosing his own desire to love and be loved for once strips him of his family and his community what does that say about the decisions he made along the way? what was it all for? and then on top of that he didn’t even know what he was choosing in choosing immortality with lestat. he’s rocked by being faced with the reality of his choice so much so that he forgot his brother died for a moment. he’s probably developed an inability to take a step in any direction bc every step leads to a new rock bottom and he doesn’t trust himself anymore. that’s a very real thing that happens.

so how does that manifest when he has his own lil nuclear family?? well

with claudia he doesn’t ever want her to feel like she could ever lose his love for her for any reasons. like his family showed him. so bc his own punishments were correlated with who he was and not things he did really i don’t think he’s able to see disciplining claudia as guiding her towards better actions i think he sees it as punishing her for being as she is which he blames himself for and also for loving (where charlie is concerned but i’ll get to that…). it was his choice to bring her into this life so how can he trust himself beyond loving her unconditionally. that’s what he wants so that’s what he gives. claudia does what she does bc she’s a vampire and she didn’t choose that. he did. so he retreats when the consequences of that crop up and becomes passive. he doesn’t want to take a step in any direction on top of the patriarchal structure that the father is the law of the house, but then charlie happens.

claudia didnt kill charlie out of maliciousness. it was young love with all the demanding of the insatiable hunger of a vampire. even lestat recognizes that she got carried away so to louis punishing her or even makeing her feel bad for the action was too deeply entwined with punishing her for loving at all and that is a sensitive thing for him. he doesn’t handle it better than lestat that’s not what i’m saying what i’m saying is he doesn’t have the tools to guide her through this. what he has is the desperation to not repeat what harmed him growing up. it’s after this that he decides lestat cannot be the law of the household where claudia is concerned until he realizes his approach seriously blinded him to the fact that claudia ,yes is a doomed child vampire, but she’s a doomed child vampire making decisions and her actions have serious consequences for all of them and he doesn’t have the tools to guide. he can love her through anything, but how can he of all people really guide her. this isn’t as simple as no running in the house and listen to your elders. the mother is learning her daughter is her own person (and vampire) not an extension of her and with character traits like her father too. (plus the mother has to realize that she can’t heal herself through her daughter) whew. so louis decides to step back and to let lestat be the law again and then claudia LEAVES and on her way out she challenges his decision to turn her at all (with good reason. these two vampires should not be raising a baby!!) louis is literally so distraught he wants her to come home but he can’t bring himself to go after her and bring her home. he doesn’t want to take a step!! he doesn’t want to decide. it never leads to what he thinks it will. i don’t think he believes he can trust himself to make good choices. so he loves her unconditionally on broadcast for every vampire within radio earshot to hear because that’s what he can do. thennnn she’s harmed while she’s gone and i’m sure he’s feels in a way responsible. he wanted to be her protector so badly (when actually she’s his but i’ll get to that in a bit) and wasn’t able to. and of course there’s that scene™️ in ep5 with being put in a position where he was pressured to choose between lestat and claudia and because it LOOKED like he MIGHT choose claudia and because he didn’t IMMEDIATELY choose lestat disaster ensued. that’s a lot. fuck.

and when the nature of his relationship with claudia shifts more to siblings because she’s getting older, wants more agency and claudia realizes she is also a replacement for grace, this is where the passiveness that is the result of his relationship with grace developed. bc while its true claudia takes over for grace, she is the sister to louis that grace never ever was. on top of the fact that her solution for their issues was “you’re dead to me,” grace never actually accepted and supported his queer identity truly like claudia and she definitely never protected him like claudia either (defending mama du lac in regards to paul comes to mind and also her husband being the replacement son). and louis needs and wants both those things as well as someone who won’t abandon him like grace did and he let’s claudia be them but takes it to the extreme where the last two are concerned. Louis doesn’t think he can save himself from his situation and claudia believes she can save herself and him. she isn’t gonna leave him behind. he leans into that heavily. it’s not just that he can’t and won’t make choices to get them out of their situation it’s also that he’s traumatized by his past choices and also he’s also loving lestat unconditionally as well on top of that (in the way he’s able to). i don’t think louis could see a way out like at all. he was shrouded in darkness. the best he could do was compartmentalize his love for lestat to protect himself when things were at their worst that was his flashlight in that darkness. but like when it was necessary for the success of the plan that he allow himself to love lestat fully he said if i feel it there’s no way out of this fr fr. he knew he wouldn’t make good choices. choosing lestat is the decision he will always make for better or worse. but that’s at the expense of claudia on top of choking her.

like idk we joke about his inability to make decisions but that trait in him is drenched with trauma. and his family is a huge part of why imo. i just get so upset when i think about them. i really rambled on and on here. not sure how much sense this makes but i guess this ties into my feelings about this as well. but yeah not choosing as a trauma response and not just as a way to get out of confronting his problems even tho that is a symptom. if that makes sense. idk. my brain is mash potatoes right now.

#iwtv #louis de pointe du lac #ldpdl #the de pointe du lacs said he can go to hell #and he went and started a family there with his rich french white husband #who’s doing it like him #claudia #if i keep opening doors that lead be to a new level of hell im not prepared for i’d develop a fear of opening doors #thats the tldr of this long ass post i guess #i planned to mention that a lot of claudia’s kills are attempts to create a companion as well #in regards to punishing her for loving or in this case wanting love and seeking it out #the placement of the claudia tag is driving me crazy bc it reads like a response to the question before it #but actually just had the thought that i should tag her name bc it’s pretty relevant to all this #re: paul’s death - and he probably already blamed himself for not noticing #for going up there #for not stopping him #etc. all these decisions!! #we want him to make better decisions or any decision but like he doesn’t have the tools. he wasn’t prepared for what motherhood really was #no matter how much he wanted to be one

[mvffinhamster]

ttrpgs fuck you up

everyone says “try out dnd”, including me but dude believe me, dnd fucks you up, ttrpgs fuck you up

there’s this person in your head and you can only scream about them to the other five idiots with their own little guys in their heads

and sometimes you can’t even scream at them because first you have to reveal the backstory you came up with and you don’t want to do that immediately

ttrpgs fuck you up because they make you daydream about your little guy and what happened with them AND YOU CAN’T STOP THE THOUGHTS

try out dnd (or any other ttrpg), they say… but what they don’t say is that it’s all emotional damage

and the worst part of it is that you enjoy every fucking minute of that emotional damage

ttrpgs fuck you up.

#last night’s vtm session was a fucking rollercoaster #i can’t stop thinking about it #we started with a tattooing session andit was absolutely cute because the npc was a sweetheart and my character got a tattoo #a little line art #based on her pet rats #and then shit hit the fucking fan #we owed an npc and she asked us to investigate why her runner guy haven’t got back yet #he was supposed to get back with the fugitives hours before #and shit really hit the fan when we got to the meeting point #the guy was dead #the fugitives too #they were fucking massacred #and the runner guy was burned to final death #and my character saw them die in a vision #and the vision was like a fucking epilepsy attack #because i had to roll a rouse check and it was a fail #which meant that cassandra (my character) was bleeding from her hand and feet and forehead because she’s a fucking stigmata #and then the other roll was a messy critical #she saw the whole thing in all red #and then one of the hunters who killed the three of them throw a fucking molotov cocktail on us #one of us almost died #we fought him and i drained him so he died #my humanity level haven’t changed but the thought that cass killed a guy was there #and then the secret kindred radio announced simon’s death because he was also a malkavian the host played a song for his sister #cry little sister by chvrches #i cried and i’m still thinking about it and crying a little because it really fucked me up #vampire the masquerade #vtm #san antonio by night #i am not okay

[rotisseries]

"she met a pinecone's fate" was hysterical the first time around and it's still funny but the longer I think about it the more unsure I actually am about the line

#it just feels so. callous. or like. it doesn't FEEL callous cause it's not portrayed that way and you laugh and I'm still laughing #but like. it's callous that is a callous thing to say and it's not like percy doesn't have dickishness to spare #but on this specific thing? really? he's not like that #like. this is after being told the full story so he knows what happened to thalia #and his response to effectively hearing about how this girl died for her friends and not just any friends but the people he's with rn #is “she met a pinecone's fate” a like. dismissive joke about what happened to her #like in the books percy empathizes with thalia's situation he feels for her it's tragic it's a somber moment😭😭 #she was a demigod more powerful than the others she was hunted even more than they usually are (percy relates) #and she died for her friends (definitely something percy relates to and would value lol) #and on TOP OF THAT. to say this in front of grover and annabeth? who clearly loved her a lot?? #like. percy doesn't like annabeth atp but he doesn’t hate her enough to be crossing those sorts of lines?? #and GROVER. is literally his best friend. can you not figure that thalia's death probably weighs on him #oh wait I just remembered at that point in the episode he doesn't know grover was with them lol sorry ignore that bit #anyway. like I get it it's funny and they have a lightly antagonistic relationship in ttc so it's funny!! #like haha he's ALREADY getting his digs in!! #but. idk. feels a bit mean :/ #pjo #pjo tv #dropping episode 3 thoughts mere hours before episode 4 lmao #I'm not gonna be able to watch 4 tonight though lol

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#had an interesting conversation with my sister the other day. odd i guess bc my sister is pretty smart #on paper shes smarter than me. or at least less dyslexic than me #but she didnt seem to kno what cancer is. i mean like how it works. i mean. cancer is a mistake. a confluence of unfortunate accidents #leading to unrestrained cellular growth. when it metastasizes. when it moves to other parts of the body. those same cells continue growing #if u have smooth muscle cancer and it moves to your kidney. you body is trying to grow more smooth muscle on your kidney #at least as i understand it. and she asked why it wants to kill you. it doesnt want anything. it just is. its not a thing of malicious #intent. its neutral. it grows. it takes up resources. it takes up space. and it grows and grows until the organ it grows on stops #functioning properly. like a parasite she said. but no. not like a parasite. it grows like an empty space. a mass of flesh. a constant #obstructive pressure. it grows like only a tumor can. i dunno. it didnt seem to connect with her that this thing didnt want to kill our mom #but it did anyway. and she felt weird about how long she lived after they took her off any support. but thats how cancer kills #it stops an organ from functioning and most of those r important so it only takes one. so her heart kept beating for 12 more hrs bc it was #meant to beat for 40 more years. but not much it could do without working kidneys and without working blood #but that's life. that's death. that's nature. its all nutral even if it feels horrible to the individual. #i dunno. i thought it was interesting. shes 25 and her mother had cancer for 10 years so id think shed kno more #we're at a weird phase now bc its been a week since she died and everything feels normal. we'll see what happens at the wake this week #its been interesting for sure bc she was sick for 10 years but my parents didnt prepare at all for her to die #so my dad is scrambling to put together the pieces shr left behind to make sure that all the bills r paid and whatnot. he had to guess her #computer password. she didnt tell us what she wanted us to have. she didnt tell us the importance of her jewelry and who it belonged to #before her. i dunno. we're seeing the outline of my mothers Pathology in what she left behind. both in the physical objects and in the #feelings she imparted. i dunno. its been weird #unrelated

[pesteringchum]

crying and thinking abt davejade again.

they rlly said: youre my childhood friend and we went through unspeakable traumas together. youre my childhood crush and i watched you die. youre my childhood crush and i killed you. you are so fucking weird. we are so fucking weird together. you are the most normal thing about me. i love you (platonic). i love you (romantic). i love you (but i dont know if you can love me). i love you (dont die). i love you (please stop dying). i love you (i dont want to be alone again).

#the davejade tag being so dead is so sad to me #bc yes theyre super cute and sweet but they have so much going on #davesprite dumped her bc he thought she deserved the ‘real’ dave!!! #jade grew up on an island alone and once she was joined by dave she shot him to death!! #thinking abt that line from that fantastic fic ‘at rise’: ‘the first two humans i ever met i killed’ #(<- might not be the exact quote but smth like that) #GOD. GOD. #‘you are the most normal thing about me’ is kinda inspired by at rise as well bc it reminded me of some things i forgot about #like when jade got mad at grimbark jade for being upset over ‘boy troubles’ #its like. i never rlly saw it before but thats the most Normal teen thing jade could be upset about #i think dating davesprite was the closest thing to a normal teen jade ever got the opportunity to be #anyway #davejade #chum pesters #homestuck #q

[bhaalsdeepbat]

Astarion and Karlach are perfect foils showing how trauma from having autonomy ripped from you, your body forcibly changed, and then used as a pawn serving a master can present wildly different, but still with that same under layer of RAGE.

#bat rambles #i'll touch back on this #but these are the two who express rage so purely #like neither of them hold it back and the narrative validates their rage towards their abusers #i am also just feeling a lot of karlach feels with having your body not only permanently altered #but in a way that guarantees death #like the horror of feeling that heat building for 10 years #just knowing #you either stay in this bloodbath and evenurally become one of the many slaughterd in a war waged by creatures who wull never even #see the battle field #or you can escape #enjoy a brief respite #she never thought she would see anything outside of Avernus again #but she kept trying to escape #and now that she has it she just wants to enjoy all aspects of life before hers ends #and like astarion is plucked out of his personal hell knowing if he plays his cards right #he'll have an eternity to catch up on what he lost in 200 years #karlach is having to make up her 10 years of hell in as short a time possible #bat muses #karlach #astarion #bg3