#i dunno. i thought it was interesting. shes 25 and her mother had cancer for 10 years so id think shed kno more

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#had an interesting conversation with my sister the other day. odd i guess bc my sister is pretty smart #on paper shes smarter than me. or at least less dyslexic than me #but she didnt seem to kno what cancer is. i mean like how it works. i mean. cancer is a mistake. a confluence of unfortunate accidents #leading to unrestrained cellular growth. when it metastasizes. when it moves to other parts of the body. those same cells continue growing #if u have smooth muscle cancer and it moves to your kidney. you body is trying to grow more smooth muscle on your kidney #at least as i understand it. and she asked why it wants to kill you. it doesnt want anything. it just is. its not a thing of malicious #intent. its neutral. it grows. it takes up resources. it takes up space. and it grows and grows until the organ it grows on stops #functioning properly. like a parasite she said. but no. not like a parasite. it grows like an empty space. a mass of flesh. a constant #obstructive pressure. it grows like only a tumor can. i dunno. it didnt seem to connect with her that this thing didnt want to kill our mom #but it did anyway. and she felt weird about how long she lived after they took her off any support. but thats how cancer kills #it stops an organ from functioning and most of those r important so it only takes one. so her heart kept beating for 12 more hrs bc it was #meant to beat for 40 more years. but not much it could do without working kidneys and without working blood #but that's life. that's death. that's nature. its all nutral even if it feels horrible to the individual. #i dunno. i thought it was interesting. shes 25 and her mother had cancer for 10 years so id think shed kno more #we're at a weird phase now bc its been a week since she died and everything feels normal. we'll see what happens at the wake this week #its been interesting for sure bc she was sick for 10 years but my parents didnt prepare at all for her to die #so my dad is scrambling to put together the pieces shr left behind to make sure that all the bills r paid and whatnot. he had to guess her #computer password. she didnt tell us what she wanted us to have. she didnt tell us the importance of her jewelry and who it belonged to #before her. i dunno. we're seeing the outline of my mothers Pathology in what she left behind. both in the physical objects and in the #feelings she imparted. i dunno. its been weird #unrelated

[bouprincessdiary-blog]

I dunno...

He texted! We talked... there is still love and forgiveness. I felt awful for the things I might have put him through... I dunno what was real and what was my disease so I cant even say I was wrong cause I really don't know. I am trying to start fresh with everyone and not have any previous conceptions of no one, trying hard no to judge, specially cause how can I judge when I dunno what's real? At the same time I’ m scared of starting to accept things that are bad for me or that I don't agree with or that I don't like cause I am not sure of the reality of things. What I know is that he still hasn't asked me how I am or showed any interest of me or my life whatsoever. He talked about himself, his book, asked me to help him out by calling his dad, his mother... asked me to reach out to his daughter cause she is going through a hard time.. What I did without blinking cause I am crazy about them, specially about his daughters. However... not a word of how are you? what have you been up to? Nor any loving caring words. Maybe it’s my fault but I dunno anymore

At the same time, other people have been so nice to me. Wherever I go, people show me they want to know about my life and how I have been and what I am up to. Strangers have been showing more interest on me and my life than the one I love and that hurts. That's what triggered our last fight that lasted almost a month. Apparently nothing changed, well I changed. I think I found a group of women that have been lifting me up and making me understand I am strong, I am beautiful, I am important and I matter! I dunno how to behave to that. It has been such a long time a stranger makes me feel they care that I dunno if they are only being nice or if they really like me. I am lost. I have no real friends at the moment. No one I can count on and talk to. There are people who will listen but no one that I can actually say, this person is my friend and he/she is there for me no matter what. I have my mom for that but no one else.

The first time I went out with the girls was last week. We went to Bee´s apartment for Indian Dinner. I love Indian food and I got along with Bee right away. She is an amazing woman and so powerful. I wish I had her confidence. We had so much fun, we ate, drank, talked about our problems and laughed. I felt like one of the Bacchantes surrounded by my sisters! It was magical, but I drank a bit too much. Last Wednesday, we did it again but this time at Blondie’s house. She is vegetarian so we had Shiitake Risoto. We didn't click as much as I did with Bee. I dunno why... Maybe cause we have very different views of the world. For starts, she is a vegetarian and I question why would someone restrict their diet when they don't have any diseases? But I am not even going to go there... Another thing apparently we differ is our view of the world. She believes the USA is a paradise and she was appalled when I told her I don't want to raise my family in the US cause I don't think they have the good quality of life we have in Brazil. I swear if she could yell at me she would. I don't really care cause it is easy to have an opinion when you have only been abroad for vacations... Living abroad is another thing, entirely different. I also got to meet two other women there that I loved. One of them it was as if we were sisters from another lifetime. Her name is Sun and I hope to see her again soon. Maybe she will come out tonight with us for the pre carnival party. The other one is Cat, she is so funny. I could just watch her all the time.

Yes, I am going out dancing tonight. I haven't done that in years! Ever since my father was diagnosed with cancer. He passed two years ago, on his birthday, January 23rd, at 3:30 in the morning. I will get to that another time cause I’m not ready to talk about him right now. Tonight, I am going to a pre carnival party to be held at a famous and oldest whorehouse of my city. It is gonna be a private party so there wont be naked women dancing. We are only renting the space. I have never been inside and I have always been curious, so I am a bit excited and nervous at the same time. What is weird cause I used to be a party girl and staying at home is what would scare me not going out. How things change in 20 years. My first instinct is I don't want to go, I want to stay home and safe! I don't want to drink, I want to smoke pot and watch TV till I fall asleep. Maybe Isaac will text me and maybe we will talk about ourselves or something besides him and his problems. But I cant do that. I have to get out there and live again and my life cannot depend on a person. I moved to New York to start new, not to get entrapped into the emotional web of another man and forget about myself. It is so easy to do that though... But I cant. I have to put an end to this. I cant allow him to make himself and his family a priority in my life cause me and my family are the priority of my life. It is the first time this happens. I never met anyone that made me and mine feel so insignificant. Maybe cause when we met he was in his country, his city, living with his family and I was a foreigner, by myself who had just lost her dad. No! I come from a good and known family. I cant let no one makes us less important just cause we are not from here. I wont allow it anymore.

At the same time, there has been someone who has been making me feel special. He has made me question my relationship. He is young... 25 years old. He studies with me and he is very caring, smart, sweet and apparently with no baggage nor personal issues. I love talking to him. I see he admires me too and I've caught him looking at me differently a couple of times. He is from a conservative family from a small city. His family are ranch owners too but they are hard working people, not the typical man from a rich ranch family. I met him two years ago on my artificial insemination course but I didn't think nothing of him. I thought he was too young, so although he is my type, I didn't pay attention. When I came back from New York, we met again. He was the leader of the interns in my reproduction internship. He mainly works with goats though while my fiend is more cows. We have been talking a lot cause we have similar views of what we want to work with in the future. I also helped him out at the hospital cause he is not used to small animals. We went to a goat ranch and I was very impressed how he handles big animals like a pro. I have a lot to learn from him. Yesterday after Messy asked me to reach out to his daughter and then disappeared, The kid sent me a private message and we started talking. We were talking about the legalization of pot and then we got to talk about how it is hard for us to relax cause we take things too seriously. He made me feel good about myself. Not with fake compliments but by understanding and relating to me. I love Messy but I really miss someone lifting me up just by talking to me. The kid makes me feel like I matter and Messy lately has been making me feel like a tool that he uses when he needs and than leave to the side. I try keeping away from him cause I’m afraid he might do something that makes me question my relationship that although it is not perfect, I am trying cause I love Messy and his family.

I have therapy in 4 hours... I love my therapist but we are gonna start the BPD treatment sessions today. She was treating me before and during the bariatric surgery and when I moved to NYC, we had to put our sessions on a break. However, we didn't know it was BPD... she suspected bipolar disorder. The diagnosis was actually a relief. It is empowering knowing that there is something wrong with u, you are not crazy. It is specially good for me learning the neurological aspect of the disease. I haven't studied the nervous system in full yet but I have a basic medical understanding of it and it does make sense!!! Hopefully I am on my way to a healthy balanced life and honestly whomever is detrimental to my well being I have plans of removing from my life. No matter how much it hurts and how much I love them. My well being first and foremost!

What I expect: I hope he reaches out and ask about myself and shows interest on me, mine and my life. I hope we can laugh a bit and have a nice time together. I hope I can hear his voice or see him, but that's a stretch... I would have loved to wake up to a sweet loving message but that's not what happened. I woke up to him telling me to respect him and letting me know his father is not giving him money but sending him his money... I don't care... I just want him to be able to support himself and his daughters, no excuses, no help from no one. I just want him to do his part and not be a burden to others. He doesn't think he is a burden though... well... if u are not doing ur part... someone else is... anyways... I hope this party tonight takes my mind away from my worries and it allows me to relax and just let it go and have fun. I hope today is a good productive day. Oh and I lost weight, I got to 54,8 kg and now I am back at 53,6... soon to 50 again and I’m happy.

Cappuccino over

Prozac In