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trashytoastboi · 12 days

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Day of Greed - Mammon

~SFW Alphabet~

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A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

💰 Constant touch, Mammon is clingy in the sense that he physically needs to be touching you, hugging you, holding you, just anything. He adores head pats, it's the physical act of praise for him and he laps it up. Mammon is the avatar of Greed, it's obvious that it extends even to the intangible like your time and attention. He is possessive, he will have a hand on your waist, your thigh, an arm slung around your shoulder in public most of all. In private he's more fixated on other stuff, like having you patting his head, playing with his hair, giving him lots of kisses and calling him a good boy. Does worry that his Greed will engulf you or scare you away, but at the same time he feels like a slave to it. Mammon always hopes that you know that he would never swallow you whole, he won't let his sin devour you and he never asks for comfort from these rampant thoughts, but it's obvious when he needs peace of mind.

B = Best Friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

💰 The bad influence, in the sense that things are never, ever dull with Mammon around and most of his schemes get the two of you in trouble all the time. It seemed like a good idea at the time but most of his ideas always do. Maybe it's natural charisma that convinces you time and time again. Most of the times when you hang out together you go window shopping, bargain hunting and always helping Mammon with plotting his latest scheme or brand new business idea which is usually a scam with mass profit. It’s entertaining, Mammon usually acts like he doesn’t care but he is always courteous and kind and even generous towards you.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle)

💰 Mammon adores cuddles, he wholeheartedly just wants to be close to you. Originally he used to crave the closeness for his method of pickpocketing though his intention has changed towards you. You remember how he’d touch your ears all flirtatiously and his expertly deft fingers would take any earrings, necklaces, any jewelry of any kind without you being any the wiser. You’re thankful that Mammon is different now, he genuinely just wants affection and wants to cuddle you for the sake of having you in his arms. Somehow it just eases his possessiveness and lets him know that you’re his and he is yours.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

💰 3/10, has no time for either. Will do it to make you happy. He can cook if he has to, I mean how hard is it? Cleans but hell he could be doing something else instead of that. Although Mammon grumbles and groans about it a lot he will do it if it makes you happy. He wants to settle down, as soon as possible. I mean what greater way to show everyone that you’re his than putting a ring on your finger. He loves seeing his pact mark on your body but it pisses him off to see his brothers pact marks, but a ring- would be his and his alone. His brothers couldn’t give you a ring.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

💰 He’d suddenly start acting like he’s wrapping things up. Paying back any outstanding IoU’s, giving back anything he ‘borrowed’. The entire thing would just look awkward and suspicious. What's the sudden rush and change of heart? When it comes to the actual break up part, once everything settled he just… does it. He’ll rip the plaster off and boy does he dwell on his decision. Will constantly write texts and never send them. Will be lost and not present mentally, he’s angry and upset about it. He thinks at least, maybe it’s his sin gnawing at him for letting his greatest treasure get away.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quickly would they want to get married.)

💰 Would be the fastest and most obvious way to stake his claim, everything from your name and even vows- which in their own way are a pact. He’d have two pacts with you and you’d be his in the greatest sense of the word. Maybe it’s the title, he tries to reign in his possessive nature but it’s hard when it literally is his nature. To be greedy, and possessive of you. But the title you carry of being Mammon’s spouse, the sound rings sweeter than the wedding bells themselves. It would ease his worries while boosting it all the more. He’d adore you, as he always has but even more so when you’re his greatest treasure, his person.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they? Both physically and emotionally.)

💰 Bit of a sharp tongue when he tries to cover his own embarrassment and can get angry at times over certain things, but he has never once been physically harmful to you and if you really think about it, he’s always soft towards you. Even if he’s angry he’s never raised his voice at you in anger. In concern and worry yes- yelling at you when you make harmful decisions but never in anger, You know he’s gentle, he always has been. Even if he uses sharp words you know the true meaning behind them is not like that.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

💰 He does like hugs, they keep you close…Close to him. He wraps his arms around your waist and pulls you close, his cologne is always distinct and with hugs sometimes the smell rubs off on your clothing. It’s such a subtle thing, maybe even Mammon doesn’t realize it. He’s always affectionate, always holding a hand, has a hand on your thigh and hugging you. He just needs to be touching you always. Genuinely will sulk if he can’t.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-Word)

💰 Mammon says it through actions and gift giving. He’ll spoil you with gifts, he doesn’t realize why you’re special. Why he desires to give you everything he has, when he comes to the realization of love- it’s something he begins to say on the daily. He’ll tell you, always. How much he loves you. It works its way so naturally into his dialogue because it genuinely just feels so right- nothing feels better.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they're jealous?)

💰 Oh he is a jealous boy- He just doesn’t like you going out to hang with his brothers when you could be with him instead. He’s more of a sulking jealous kind, he won’t get angry but he’ll sulk and might give you silent treatment until you pamper him with attention to make up for depriving him earlier. He’ll make it known that he’s grumpy and will give you that ‘subtle’ sigh and just sigh louder until you notice him and ask what’s wrong and he’ll give you his sob story about you ignoring him.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

💰 Intense, engulfing. Every kiss is so overwhelming filled with all his passion. He feels a little playful and has a tendency to bite. He likes holding you, a hand behind your head as if to prevent you from running around and another around your waist. He likes giving you kisses on your forehead, lips, and cheeks. He has a habit of leaving visible marks on your neck that makes it a little embarrassing when you don’t know it’s there. Likes to be kissed anywhere - so long as it’s you doing it.

L = Little Ones (How are they around children?)

💰 Doesn’t mind them, but wouldn’t voluntarily be around them if he can avoid it. They’re a bit much for him to handle besides! As one of the oldest siblings, he’s had his fair share of dealing with children. It’s a little bit of a problem considering your soft and fluffy aura and kids always attach themselves to you if they get lost or something. Mammon obviously tries to help out and has become very adept at dealing with kids

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

💰 He spoils you, wakes you up gently and is usually extra affectionate in the mornings. He likes getting ready together, sometimes he even helps out with your hair and stuff. Making you as blinged out as you possibly can be even with the uniform. You eat breakfast together and then head off to RAD. It’s the real royal treatment because Mammon enjoys spending time with you and prefers it if you slept over in his room the night before. His day is absolutely made when he gets to wake up next to your sleeping face.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

💰 Mammon likes going out - he’d try to convince you of his little idea and take you out. Modeling has given him a lot of connections and he enjoys buying you clothes to let you get all donned and dressed up for a night out, he takes you to the high end places of Devildom to show you something different. Mammon is great because he takes you to so many different places. Of course he can get carried away and Lucifer is usually pissed when you breach curfew but it was totally worth it.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while and reveal things slowly?)

💰 Mammon was pretty open about himself, at least about how great he is at the very least. He told you a lot about himself, you almost could have mistook him for Asmo had you not met him prior. He talks about his great qualities, things that he possesses and how smart he is. Understandable. You always want the one you love to see the best side of you. Once the relationship got deeper Mammon was more honest with the things he would tell you. It wasn’t only the face value but he exposed his innermost thoughts and fears. It took trust and a bit of opening up for him to do so.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

💰 Mammon is pretty patient when it comes to you. Though only you can really testify to that since Mammon has always been that way with you, you’ve rarely seen him get very angry even when you’ve heard quite a few stories about it. You didn’t believe it at first then regarded it as a hidden side to Mammon. You’ve asked him about it but Mammon being Mammon of course denied that it ever happened. His best strategy, admit nothing - deny everything. He’d get mad at you in the sense of his concern overflowing if you’ve done something reckless and you can’t take him seriously when he’s practically pampering you to make sure you’re fine.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing or they kind of or forget everything?)

💰 Usually plays it off that he coincidentally remembered you wanted this or liked that, nevermind him actually knowing and actively looking for it so he could give it to you. He likes playing it cool, and if you catch him out on it he’ll usually give some half cooked theory as to how he magically remembered it. Mammon honestly listens, loves learning about you and remembers every little detail. Maybe it’s another manifestation of his greed, to possess all the possible knowledge of you that he possibly can.

R = Remember (What is their favourite moment in your relationship?)

💰 The moment you called yourself his. The affirmation of your relationship- he knew that everyone was attached to you and everyone loves you, but he was the first. Mammon is more aware of his flaws than he lets off, most would never guess. Considering how everyone calls him shameless. He didn’t know in the end, you hold pacts with all his brothers. You all had a deep connection to prove that he was closer to you than anyone, that more than anyone you cared about him more. Mammon toiled with those silent insecurities, until one day you just seemed to affirm it was him. That out of his brothers, it was him that you chose.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

💰 He’s always been your protector even when he regarded you as an annoying and random human that didn’t belong in the Devildom. He was your first and most steadfast protector, even now. Although the depth of his reasoning has changed Mammon is very protective of you, no matter what or who. He doesn’t even think twice before acting. Mammon never wanted anything in return, so long as you were safe and out of harm's way that was more than enough for him. Although you protected him on various instances and in other cases even went as far as shielding him and putting yourself in harm's way. He would get upset, what if something happened and he lost you?

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

💰 He tries hard, his utmost for you. Never anything less, you’re his special person and you deserve only the best of the best. Mammon has always told you that and never failed to remind you of that fact. He may be overbearing with the gifts but he truly means well even when you tell him that you don't need the same pair of shoes in every single colour they had to offer, he’s faithful to the anniversary game, 1 week, 30 days, 100 days, 6 months, 1 year - he remembers them all and has mentally planned all the perfect dates he could take you on for them. In everyday life he has a habit of doing small tasks, or leaving you small gifts. A random juice or snack on your desk at RAD, seeing that your portion of chores had been done for the day. Mammon was usually embarrassed to admit it’s him so it's from the quote, “secret admirer”.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

💰 His possessiveness. He knows it’s part of his nature and a big part of his sin, but he fears some of the thoughts he has. He is scared of those thoughts and buries them beneath everything else. He wonders how he could completely possess you, and in a dream, more aptly described as a nightmare he thought about devouring you completely, making sure your soul would know no one else but him. How he got irked seeing his brothers’ pact marks on your body, or those stupid sorcerers protective sigils that he left on you as well. It irks him, he’d never say anything knowing it’s for your protection but his thoughts wander to dangerous territory and it frightens him that one day he might act on it and scare you away.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

💰 He’s a model by trade, he’s gotta be concerned with his looks and make sure he’s picturesque. He’s not vain to the point of being obsessed but he enjoys looking and feeling good. He especially likes donning himself in the biggest brand names that Devildom has to offer. He also likes looking good for you, on the days when he has a shoot and is dressed up in a different style to the one you’re used to and he catches all of your little stares and glances, he loves it.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

💰 He would feel very incomplete without you and feel like something is constantly missing. It was an emptiness he never knew existed until he met you, you filled that empty space that tugged in subconscious and when you’re not around he is painfully aware of it. It contributes to his reasoning of wanting to be around you and with you, he feels at peace and whole. Mammon just gets all listless when you’re not near him and he’ll worry about you a lot.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them)

💰 For someone so greedy he loves spending his money, specifically on you. You lose track of the amount of gifts he buys, how many strings he pulls to get the latest designer wear all for you, even securing limited editions. You told Mammon on multiple occasion that you didn’t really need the gifts nor had the space for them but he can’t help it. He’ll buy something and say it made him think of you :( More than anything he wants praise from you.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn't like, either in general or in a partner?)

💰 No sense of humor, he likes to tell jokes even if they’re not all that funny. He occasionally drops a really hilarious one. But he’s not a fan of overly serious people with no sense of humor, maybe because it reminds him too much of Lucifer, who in his eyes, is a stick in the mud. It just kills the entire vibe if he’s cracking jokes and there’s someone who feels the need to splice the entire joke and just takes all the fun out of it.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habit of theirs?)

💰 Would you believe that he had stuffed animals that he actually stuffed with grimm? He loves snuggling them, he also has a lot of pillows that make it difficult to sleep next to him unless you toss most of them off and away from the bed, Mammon is a chronic snuggler, any which way he rolls he wants to grab onto something and snuggle, that just so happens to be you as of late.

Taglist: @completelyshatteredbrokenmschf

#trashytoastboi #obey me #seven days of sin event #mammon #obey me mammon #om! mammon #mammon x reader #female reader #male reader #gender neutral reader #obey me!#obey me nightbringer #nightbringer #avatar of greed #greed #sfw #fluff #fluff alphabet #obey me imagines

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yellowocaballero · 2 years

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Ghost Rider Gets Sent To The Hell DMV

At a certain point either a little before or very long after Johnny Blaze stabbed Robbie through the heart, Robbie walked into the DMV.

Or maybe he just woke up there. He was also a little worried that it was the Hell DMV.

He couldn’t really back up the Hell thing, but somehow it felt right. It looked like every other battered LA DMV, complete with flaking wanted posters and walls yellowed with cigarette smoke, and every seat was occupied by slouching bodies staring absently into the distance. A screen near the front read out ticket numbers. Robbie watched it flip from 666 to 666. Huh.

Robbie looked behind him, only to see a line stretching out the door. He craned his head, trying to get a better look at the line stretching out into the (Hell?) parking lot, but he could only see blackness and a vague sense of foreboding.

“So am I still being stabbed,” Robbie said into the tired quiet, “or…?”

Takes place in my weird AU that I should get around to putting on my masterpost. I wrote it so you can come in with no Ghost Rider knowledge and you'd be fine. Really all I know about Ghost Rider is from Robbie's run anyway. I made stuff up. But we should expect that by now.

Very short little 5k thing featuring my special little boy under the cut. This character is unbelievably niche and I don't know why I wrote this, except for the fact that I made a joke about Ghost Rider driving for GrubHub and I had to see that through.

At a certain point either a little before or very long after Johnny Blaze stabbed Robbie through the heart, Robbie walked into the DMV.

Or maybe he just woke up there. He was also a little worried that it was the Hell DMV.

“So am I still being stabbed,” Robbie said into the tired quiet, “or…?”

Nobody responded. The attendees looked vaguely through him, and the employees took no notice. Robbie patted himself down and saw, from bottom to top, that he was still wearing the demonic black drag racing suit, that he was uninjured, and that his head was refreshingly fleshy. He couldn’t feel the car, which sent a weird spike of anxiety in his hindbrain. When he wore Eli’s outfit, flaming head included, he could always feel the car like a weird fifth limb. Or the vestigial tail Gabe showed him in one of his picture books once.

The Hell thing was up in the air. But he had never felt a cold like this - a shiver in the bones, and a heart frozen solid still - and there had never been such a lonely pull in his gut. He felt impossibly far away from warmth and light and love, like Gabe was on Mercury and he was on Pluto. The Hell vibes were off the charts. And the ticket counter was still 666.

Well. Looks like Johnny Blaze had killed Robbie and sent him to Hell. Goes to show. Robbie had always half-expected this.

Still, it was best to eliminate foul play. Robbie wound his way through the unsettlingly expansive waiting room, dodging old men trying desperately to sleep and failing. Their chins nodded like drinking birds, falling down until jerking upright again. Robbie did his best not to disturb them, but it probably wouldn’t have made a difference.

He approached a customer service counter, the only counter without a line stretching out the door and into the Hell Parking Lot/Infinite Void. The lady behind it wasn’t particularly young and wasn’t particularly old, and had a face that was neither pleasant nor unpleasant. She reminded Robbie of his third grade History teacher, and also of nobody.

“Uh, ma’am? Excuse me? Hi, hello.”

The lady stopped typing and looked at him, giving him the fakest customer service smile he’d ever seen in his life. It was pretty creepy, but just because DMV workers never smiled at you. “Yes, how can I help you.”

“Great. Uh.” Robbie looked around one last time, just to affirm his own suspicions. “I’m not complaining or anything. But am I in Hell?”

“Define Hell,” the lady said, which was not reassuring. Robbie opened his mouth. “Please take a ticket and take a seat. We will call your name for processing shortly.”

What was Robbie supposed to do? Complain that he wasn’t supposed to be here? Everybody had to do that. He didn’t want to look like an asshole or anything. The Hell DMV ladies could probably make his afterlife really difficult. “Sure, yeah, definitely. I just - I just want to make sure there’s no confusion - I think a demon’s running around up there with my body. I don’t know the - uh, protocol for this. I just wanted to be sure that wouldn’t cause any problems.” He paused a beat, flexing his thick gloves. “And if you aren’t Hell, see if there was anything you wanted to do about that? Can I file an incident report?”

“If your deal with the demon was properly notarized and filed, then legally that demon does own your body,” the DMV lady said, not at all apologetically and clearly intending to do absolutely nothing.

Notarized and filed, huh? “Can you check that for me? If it’s not too much trouble.”

“Sure. Name and date of birth?”

“Reyes, Roberto, Seven Nineteen Oh Two?”

The lady clacked away at her keyboard, obviously not expecting much. Robbie subtly craned his head to try and get a look at the screen, but it was impossible through the thick and warped glass. A voice echoed from the speakers, calling for ticket holder six six six to come to the front counter.

The lady’s eyebrows furrowed, perking Robbie up instantly. “You aren’t in our intake records for today.”

His method of getting here was kind of unusual. “I think the Ghost Rider, Johnny Blaze, sent me down here,” Robbie said. “Express lane, maybe? Try that?”

The keyboard rattled impatiently, and after a few tense seconds the lady’s eyes widened. “Mr. Reyes, you aren’t even dead.”

They had just gone over this. “My body’s still moving,” Robbie said, trying hard not to feel embarrassed about the whole thing. He felt like a bit of an idiot anyway. “I think I’m in a supervillain grudge match with Ghost Rider. But he stabbed me and my soul’s obviously down here, so…does my body need to be dead or is my soul enough? Define death?”

The lady stood up, sending Robbie’s gut sinking. “Mr. Reyes, please follow me.”

Nobody else in the room clocked him, and it was clear that they only cared for their own misery. But Robbie couldn’t help but feel as if they watched him leave anyway - their envious hatred an almost physical presence breathing down the back of his neck.

Disappointingly, the offices of the Hell DMV weren’t any more exciting than the waiting room. They were just as grey and washed out as the front, the featureless hallways blending into nothing but lazy continuations of each other, and as the lady marched him down the empty hallways Robbie’s sense of anxiety only grew.

Even worse, he was kind of hopeful. That was the worst kind of anxiety - when you thought that maybe this time things would finally go right. Robbie’s hopes didn’t have a great track record. Look at how the whole college thing turned out. That had burned him off hope for a while.

But the drag racing thing was bringing in so much money, good money. Money for medication and doctors and toys. Money couldn’t build up the credit score, but once they jumped through a couple more hoops he could cut off the rental for the house and move to an apartment somewhere else. Anywhere outside the barrio would do.

Maybe he should have been more specific.

He was finally ushered inside an office, which was not a thing Robbie liked to happen. It wasn’t like his boss’ office at the shop at all, so maybe Hell could be worse. It was nice and neat, with tidy filing cabinets and a coffee station behind a cheap wooden desk with a surface devoid of anything but a computer and a single red stapler. The lady sitting behind the desk looked far more like a real person than the counter lady did, who just nodded at the new desk lady and closed the door firmly behind her.

The new woman looked a little like a CEO of a small business. She had bright red cat’s eye sunglasses and black hair pulled into a tight bun matching her black pantsuit, giving her a severe and intense expression. Her name plate read ANGELICA?. The question mark worried Robbie.

“Sit down, Mr. Reyes. Let me pull up your file.” Her voice was crisp and clean, and Robbie automatically sat down as he worried at the buckle on his gloves. “I will be having a talk with Mr. Blaze. It’s like he doesn’t even know we need a paper trail. So accidents like this don’t happen.”

“Yeah, I think I know the confusion,” Robbie said. He didn’t know why he wanted to be helpful. He was scared of government workers, probably. “See, I kinda got this demon problem, and he’s probably keeping my heart pumping up there.”

“I’ll be the judge of your problem, Mr. Reyes.”

Robbie abruptly shut up, embarrassed, as the lady - Angelica - rattled away at her keyboard at light speed. He put his hands in his lap, then left them awkwardly at his side, uncertain about the social script for the situation.

It was a few more agonizing minutes before Angelica spoke again. “So we are all on the same page, Mr. Reyes. Roberto Reyes, twenty years old, older brother to Gabriel Reyes and son to parents.”

“Uh, their names are -”

“Resident of Eastside Los Angeles, works full time at Eastside Automotive. Mild and reserved temperament, unsociable and awkward. Cancer. Born under a bad moon. Appointed guardianship of his younger brother at eighteen, parental whereabouts currently unknown. Kindhearted and prone to acts of desperation.” Angelica looked over the rims of her glasses at him, neon green eyes flashing. “Tell me how you became the Ghost Rider, Mr. Reyes. Succinctly.”

“That’s another mistake,” Robbie said, his unsociable and awkward personality rearing its ugly head. “Ghost Rider’s one of those edgy superhero guys, right? Padre Francisco says he sends bad dudes to Hell.” Left unsaid: and if Robbie could send guys to Hell, he wouldn’t be in Hell right now. He’d have an exit ticket or something. An employee exit. “I just got some demon problems.”

“As tends to happen,” Angelica said dryly. Robbie shrugged. She was probably a demon, he wasn’t about to start shittalking demons in front of their cousins. “Tell me the story of you and Mr. Morrow, then.”

The story of Robbie and Eli. Did Robbie even know it? It just felt like a story of increasingly bad luck and worse decisions.

“Well…I’m not going to make excuses for any of it. You probably hear excuses all day. I bet this isn’t new to you.” Robbie scratched the back of his neck awkwardly, the awkwardly expectant weight of a confessional booth draping over them. “I wanted to start drag racing, but my only car was a junker. So I stole a ‘69 Dodge Charger from my workplace and took it out for a race. The race went sour, the police turned up, I got shot and died. Turns out the car I stole belonged to a gang and had a bunch of supervillain drugs in the trunk. That was this whole mess…yeah, that’s how I met Eli.”

“A little less succinctly, please.” Angelica pulled up a few more files on the computer, embarrassing Robbie further. Well, he didn’t want to get into the whole thing… “Eli Morrow, born 1953 -” Eli was a Boomer? God, that explained everything. “ - noted Satanist, cultist, and prolific serial killer throughout the 1980s. Discovered the secret to an eternal reign in Hell in the year 1989 and committed ritual suicide in order to obtain dominance in Hell. Ugh. Baby Boomers.” Angelica scrolled further down in the file, her unimpressed attitude a stark contrast to Robbie’s extreme interest. He never thought he’d learn Eli’s backstory like this. “Ritual was botched, trapping him in the unbelievably painful purgatory between the mortal and mystical planes, freezing him as a spirit pulled eternally between human and demon, and bound him into his very nice car as a spirit of vengeance. Unusual circumstances from a boringly evil man.”

Robbie nodded fastidiously, as if he had already known that. “He said he brought me back to life so we could be partners and strike back against the assholes screwing me over all the time. He told me bringing evildoers to justice would free him of his inbetween. Totally bullshit, yeah, I’m not stupid.” He faltered a bit. He didn’t know why - what would a demon do, judge you? God had already done that. “I didn’t set my head on fire whenever Eli wanted us to. I tried to just do the opposite of whatever he said. But those flames let me beat up on the guys who were beating up on my neighbors - people I cared about who didn’t do anything wrong. And they tried to kill me all the time, and I didn’t want to let them do that. And I hated them.” He stopped short, the now-familiar flames licking at his chest. “And I hated all of them.”

Angelica tilted her head, staring fixedly at him. Like a snake scoping out its prey. Was that stereotyping? “What did you sell in exchange for your power?”

Damn, sell implied Robbie had anything worth over twenty bucks on Facebook marketplace. He shrugged. “Everything just happened so fast. I died, Eli brought me back, everyone’s trying to kill me, the Ghost Rider’s murdering me…I don’t know, I always just told Eli to go away. Figured he couldn’t ‘cuz I was a devil worshiper now.”

“A devil worshiper,” Angelica said flatly.

“I’m possessed by a demon, ma’am,” Robbie said, somewhat lamely. “That doesn’t really happen when you’re a member of the Lord’s flock, if you know what I’m saying.”

“Mr. Reyes, at any point do you remember actually selling your soul to the devil?”

Well…Robbie ran a gloved hand through his hair. “The demon led me into temptation, right? Doesn’t that count?”

“Temptation to…” Angelica checked her records again. “Save your neighbors from supervillains?”

“Doing the right thing with evil tools is still evil,” Robbie said stubbornly. “That’s a slippery slope. If you hurt too many people for the right reasons, then you start thinking of yourself as someone who has the right to hurt people. Sooner or later you end up hurting people for the wrong reasons.” People got greedy. Not everybody, not all the time - but too many. Safety was temptation enough. Robbie could hardly even blame them. “Demons wouldn’t stay in business if people didn’t need them.”

Angelica turned to face him, folding her hands neatly on the desk. She arched one well-kept eyebrow at Robbie, who beat back principal trauma with a mental stick. “Are you telling me that even without a deal with the devil, you still believe you’re going to Hell?”

“Is there a right and wrong answer to that?”

“Mr. Reyes, please be serious.”

“What do you want me to say?” Robbie asked, and he realized too late his voice was rising. “You want me to go on and say it? Yeah, I do! I’m here, aren’t I? I’m in Hell?” Robbie waved a hand around demonstratively, as if anybody in the room had forgotten. “I’m only in this situation ‘cause I stole a car so I could gamble. I spent yesterday night using my demonic powers to cheat at drag races. Good guys don’t do that.” Robbie wanted to breathe harder, to get worked up and angry, but he couldn’t. He wasn’t breathing at all. “I like Eli’s power. I’ve been powerless and kicked around my entire life, of course I like it. I like hurting people, that shit sends you straight to Hell. I’m angry all the damn time and all I do is hide it. Sometimes I even hate Gabe! What kind of asshole hates their little brother?” He leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms stubbornly. “Where did I lose you?”

Angelica stared at him. Robbie was beginning to worry that he wasn’t doing eternal damnation correctly.

“Do you happen to be Catholic?”

“Yeah, obviously. Why?”

“Obviously. Right.” Angelica pinched the bridge of her nose, sighing. “Mr. Reyes, let me make one thing very clear. Bright young men from the barrio who sacrifice their college scholarship to single handedly provide for their disabled younger brother and dedicate their lives to his safety and happiness do not go to Hell. It is cartoonishly saintly. You are tedious to have in my office.”

“What.”

“Performing victimless crimes to give your brother a better life is not a sin. You know full well breaking the law is not a sin. Being in the wrong place at the wrong time and being preyed upon by a serial killer is not a sin. Virtuously resisting temptation to kill and abuse your new power for months is the opposite of a sin. Your Christmas Special ass is not supposed to be here.”

Robbie made a fruitless hand gesture intended to convey the inalienable truth of his sourness and resentment towards life.

“Thoughtcrimes do not send you to Hell, Mr. Reyes.” Robbie opened his mouth. “Reasonable force does not count when it is borderline superheroics.” Robbie closed his mouth. “I don’t care about your self-esteem. We have a genuine problem here. I have a Ghost Rider sitting in my office who, by no stretch of the imagination, should ever be a Ghost Rider.”

“That’s because I’m not a -”

“Ghost Riders are men of good spirit who lived their mortal existence in sin and made a deal with the devil. They’re our investigators who track down bail jumpers and escapees and give them an express chute to Hell. Works off their bad juju, helps them recover their path towards Heaven, and saves us the effort of tracking down every two bit asshole who isn't delivering on their deals.”

“Wait,” Robbie said blankly, “are you saying that Ghost Rider’s a repo man?”

“Anybody who introduces themselves as Hell’s judgment on the wicked likes to pretend they’re cooler than they are.” Wow. That was actually kind of embarrassing. “You, however, did not even have the decency to make a deal with the devil.”

“Then what makes me a -”

“Your flaming skeleton head narrows it down quite a bit. There’s quite a bit of highly specific magic involved, the spiritual energy is very distinctive, and you are wearing on my patience.” Robbie folded his hands in his lap. “Thank you. Wait in the hallway, I need to make a call to my supervisor and write a strongly worded email to Johnny.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“And he’s polite,” Angelica said, disgusted.

Robbie waited in the hall, fighting the urge to rock on his heels. He messed with the buckle of his gloves and sniffed the leather again, breathing in the strangely reassuring scent of smoke and brimstone.

Maybe he could walk around and explore. No, that would be the worst idea of all time.

An actual demon telling him that he was a good person…Robbie didn’t know. It reminded him of his teachers. Every so often he had one of those try-hard teachers who always singled out Robbie as the ‘good’ one, one of the few kids who did all of their work and got good grades. Everybody always acted as if he was going to be the success story out of the barrio and it would make their depressing existence as teachers worth it. His senior year English teacher had been so excited to get him into college.

He’d been so disappointed when Robbie told him that he was dropping the application process. His folks had finally pulled the trigger and left, so he had Gabe to think about now. Maybe part of the reason why he wanted college so bad was because he knew their parents were going to flake eventually, and he wanted to be out of there and ready for when it happened. It just happened before he was ready. But Robbie died before he was ready too, so maybe that was just how life was.

Robbie wasn’t a success story. He was just another loser asshole dragging himself and his nothing paycheck through another month of bills. Pulling Gabe along behind him, incapable of giving him anything better. If he was actually a good person he’d have Gabe in a good house without roaches or rats. He’d always spend time with Gabe at the end of the day no matter how tired he was. He wouldn’t snap at him or get frustrated. A demon telling him that he was some sort of saint felt like a cruel taunt. It was ridiculous.

Heavy thumps echoed down the hallway, and Robbie straightened anxiously as a monster walked through the corridor. It was huge, the tops of its ears brushing the ceiling of the hallway, and somehow Robbie knew that it was meant to be far larger. Most of the monster looked like a ginormous and solidly built guy wearing a wrap skirt and tank top, but from the shoulders up the monster had a giant jackal head. He was wearing a large chain necklace with a golden pendant swinging from it.

He shouldn’t stare. No need to be rude in their own house. Robbie fixed his eyes front, tangling his hands behind his back. Then something occurred to him, and he snapped his eyes back to the monster.

Wait. That had to be Anubis. Robbie probably couldn’t recognize a single Egyptian god but Anubis, but that meant this was definitely Anubis. The real, actual -

Double wait. If Catholic Hell was real, then that meant Anubis wasn’t real. Maybe? Was this one of those ‘everything’s real’ situations? Unitarianism wins again?

Horrendously, Anubis stopped in front of him. Robbie straightened, clasping his wrist tightly behind his back. This close, Robbie could see that he didn’t really look like a jackal at all - his head was more ceramic than fur, and his black eyes glittered with paint. Even the body looked like stone, carefully painted and carved but statuary all the same.

“I see,” Anubis said.

“Uh,” Robbie said.

“I see most,” Anubis added helpfully.

“Uh,” Robbie said.

Anubis opened Angie’s office door and stepped inside, closing it firmly behind him. If Robbie ever got out of here, he was going to have a great story to tell Gabe. Another chapter in the weekly adventures of El Conductor en Llamas. He had caught Gabe retelling the already embellished stories with extra embellishment to the other kids, everybody equally fascinated by the mysterious Flaming Driver who destroyed the undestructable and saved the unsavable. It mystified Robbie until he realized that the cool car and the flaming skull head and the chains were objectively a bit dope.

After the special kind of eternity that only a Hell and a DMV could afford you, the door opened. Robbie interpreted this as an invitation and stepped inside, carefully closing the door behind him. The office was just as he left it, with a bonus giant jackal head guy in a skirt relaxing in a chair that hadn’t been there when he left. It was identical to Robbie’s own, yet much larger.

“To crush your hopes first, we can’t peel Morrow off your soul until after your death,” Angelica said briskly as Robbie sat down. “His spiritual energy is the only thing keeping you alive. We’ll put him back where he belongs after you die. If you feel like dying just to spite him -”

“I don’t?”

“Then you’re Ghost Rider like it or not.” Robbie didn’t really like it, but he was glad that she acknowledged that. “I’m not sending you off to repo souls like Johnny. Sinners damn other sinners. It’s a philosophy of ours.” She leaned back in her chair, steepling her fingers. Anubis tilted his head. “So answer me this: what is Hell supposed to do with an honest man?”

“Let him go back to his life?” Robbie asked dully.

“Waste of a perfectly good demon,” Angelica dismissed. “And if we leave you two alone his nattering voice would drive you into the depths of insanity. The fire within you must be released or you’ll explode like an InstaPot.”

That was what Robbie expected. He had known the moment Angelica told him that Eli wasn’t going away anytime soon. Ghost Rider was like the Sith - once it dug its fingers into his soul, then it would dominate his destiny forever.

“And you don’t really want to go back to your life,” Anubis intoned, “do you?”

He didn’t. He couldn’t even blame Eli for that one.

Robbie looked down at his lap, clenching his fists. “Maybe Eli was my own shit luck, but the spirit of vengeance latched onto me for a reason. It made me think for months that I wanted vengeance, that I wanted to punish people. But I think I just want things to be fair. Just once, I want things to be fair. I think that’s all I ever wanted.” He tightened his jaw. “If Ghost Rider lets me make things fair and balance those scales, then I’ll stay Ghost Rider. I can’t resist that. I don’t even want to.”

Angelica and Anubis looked at each other. Anubis tilted his head. Angelica sighed. Robbie wondered if he was ever going to find out why an Egyptian god sat in a creaky office chair in Hell, giving his two cents into Robbie’s eternal soul.

“If you are willing to hear it,” Anubis echoed, “then I have a proposition for you.”

“I’m kinda short on options,” Robbie said glumly, “so shoot.”

“There is a great and infinite desert in my afterlife.” Wow, an Egyptian afterlife had a desert? Wild. “There is a boat captained by the god Tawaret that ferries our dead to the afterlife. On that boat, their hearts are judged on the weight of a feather. If their hearts are light they join the Field of Reeds. Heavy, and they are lost within the sands of the Duat forever.”

“Sorry, but what does that have to do with me?”

“Nothing, technically,” Anubis said serenely. “You have not sworn yourself to us.”

Okay, Robbie silently screamed, so why are you here?

But Angelica just learned forward, shining green eyes fixing straight on Robbie. The gaze froze him to his seat, piercing straight through him. “Everything in this universe is changing, Mr. Reyes. The mystic and mortal planes are intersecting like never before. The Egyptians are modernizing. I thought those old coots would rather die out than update their operations.”

“Steven is quite convincing.”

“I figure it’s time for our afterlife to modernize too. The time of Chick Tracts and Satanists like Eli Morrow are over. Motorbike gangs with leather jackets and flaming heads are so yesterday. Boys like you, Robbie - you’re new.” Angelica looked at Robbie over the rims of her glasses, eyes glinting. “How do you feel about showing sinners fear in a handful of dust, Robbie?”

Robbie froze.

He opened his mouth, then closed it.

Anubis leaned back in his seat, steepling his fingers. “There’s not a lot of sand in New York City. And we’re a little…understaffed. There are many other gods and spirits who would appreciate an extra hand transporting souls between mystic and mundane planes. You’d be compensated, of course.”

Instantly, Robbie said, “Compensated how much?”

Anubis gave him a number.

“Hm,” Robbie said, doing his best not to let on that it was almost three times what he was making now. He looked back at Angelica. “And how much would you pay for a work contract with me?”

“This is Hell, Robbie,” Angelica said pityingly, “we’re strictly gig.”

Robbie leaned forward, folding his hands together. “So you’d…what, show people the consequences of their actions?”

“Yup.”

“Scare gangbangers straight? Make stalkers leave victims alone? Terrorize Trumpers?”

“As I said. We believe that sinners damn sinners. Let’s let people damn themselves.” Angelica shrugged lightly. “Either it’ll scare them straight or give them a taste of what’s coming. You’d give people exactly what they deserve. That’s what you wanted, isn’t it?”

“I don’t get it,” Robbie said lamely. “You’re a demon. Why would you want to scare people away from Hell? I thought your whole thing was bringing more people into Hell.”

But Angelica just arched an eyebrow. “When did I say that I was a demon, Mr. Reyes?”

Robbie didn’t say anything for a long moment.

Landing in this Hell (?), in this DMV (?), was an accident. Eli was an accident. His life was nothing but shit luck one after another.

But this was a choice. The engine was hot and the car was rumbling and ready to jump forward into his terrifying and hopeless future. He just had to pick a direction. Up or down.

Was it up or down? Or was it backwards and forwards? Was it moving or standing still? Was it waiting for twenty years, convincing himself that he’d have to wait for twenty more? He didn’t even know how to move forward. He’d never done it before.

What to do with an honest man in Hell? What to do with dreams in a home that strangled every hope? What to do with Ghost Rider?

What to do with Robbie?

Robbie turned to Anubis, who tilted his head curiously. “Let’s talk benefits. I want dental.”

“What is dental -”

Robbie barely knew. He’d never had it before. But he was going to find out.

And if anybody had a problem with that - Eli or the thousand East Side cruelties or Trumpers - then they’d see fear in his dust.

That seemed fair.

#my writing #ghost rider #robbie reyes #what gets me is that it's kinda the Whole Thing that the ghost riders make a deal with the devil and now they have to work off their debt #and they're cursed but it's like their fault #even if it's for boringly virtuous reasons #but what did robbie even DO MAN #he didn't make a deal with a demon that was the whole thing!!!#you sin you fall into temptation the devil gets your soul and you repent that's how these narratives go #WHAT DID ROBBIE DO HERE #in the narrative the sin is drag racing #drag racing??? driving cars very fast???#to win money for his disabled wheelchair baby brother????#he falls into sin which allows eli to take him over which is why johnny stabbed him and he ended up here #the sin was MORE DRAG RACING which I guess you're trying to tell me is greed #greed?? for money??? in a victimless crime?? to leave the barrio?? baby brother??#this guy is a fucking saint he's a protagonist in the wrong narrative and he's the star of the wrong comic book #jfc get it together

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