#even if it'll damage my mental health

[maareyas]

really wish that my gut reaction to seeing job openings that I cannot apply to yet bc of my lack of a strong portfolio/bad impostor syndrome wasn't "I am going to die like this"

#vent i guess??? #the desire to take my time vs. the fucked of urgency i feel that i need to enter the workforce as soon as possible #even if it'll damage my mental health #bc hustle culture has become the norm #**fucked up feeling of urgency lmao im too lazy to retype the whole first tag

[amysubmits]

Owning Me Is Complicated

Occasionally I come across content that makes it seem like being a Dom is easy.

Order her around, make her do the things you don't want to do, do whatever you want, "win" all the disagreements because you're the dom - or even silence her from disagreeing with you to begin with. Get sex exactly how you want it, exactly when you want it. She's just a living, breathing object that can and will do whatever you want. She has no needs other than to make your life easier. She's your own personal robot, but with a body you want to fuck. Being a dom is like a regular relationship but without the emotional labor. I'm sure there are other gender versions out there too, but I see the M/f version most often. It's so funny to me how absurd that all is compared to real life.

Owning me is complicated. Owning me means doing way more emotional labor than a vanilla relationship would require, not less.

Yes, I do what he says - but he's responsible for making the best decisions he can. He's in charge, so keeping me physically and emotionally safe is his responsibility. It's a huge part of how he earns my submission. It's no small thing to make decisions when making them well is part of how he keeps me safe and keeps me open and trusting towards him. Yes, I'll try to push my sexual limits for him - but I have complex emotional needs that accompany physical intimacy. Use my body without having respect for my physical and mental health and it'll fall apart real quick. And once again, making a reckless decision here that would leave me damaged and could forever damage our dynamic. Sure, he can take his cock out anytime and instruct me to suck and I will, but that doesn't mean it's all fun and games. He has the burden of double and triple checking that he isn't pushing me too far, or taking too much as to leave me empty. Yes, he gets the final say in disagreements, but he earns that by hearing me out. He couldn't keep me submissive if he didn't respect my feelings. I can't feel respected if I'm not heard. So he has to hear me out and really listen. And then his job is to attempt to get the best outcome for both of us. He has to try to balance our needs, because if either of us gets neglected, we individually suffer and then the relationship suffers. So he sometimes deals with the weight of threading the needle between his needs and mine, his wants and mine. His shoulders carry the weight of those choices. Yes, he can deny my wishes - and even my needs for a time, if he chose. But I am human. How long can he deny me things that bring me pleasure before I start to feel unwanted, unloved, disrespected, thrown out? Resentment would set in eventually. Self-protection would kick in eventually...and it might be too late by then, the damage may be done by the time I would wake up to look around and decide I didn't want to live like this anymore. Why would he want to even find out, given that he loves me? He wouldn't. He has a sadistic streak, so he likes to deny me things I like so that I long for them even more for a while. He likes to see me eager, desperate to get it when he decides to give it. He likes to watch me tolerate discomfort for him. Playing with these ideas require a deep understanding of my needs and limits. He has to know where "desperate for you 🥺 " starts to fade and "That goblin in the back of my head is starting to worry I'm not valued" starts to enter my thoughts. Yes, I look to him to guide and lead, and he has a lot of power and control - but that comes with the ability to destroy and damage. There's nothing easy about ownership if you feel the weight of the responsibility you're carrying.

#writing #sccwriting #d/s #24/7 d/s

[hatelangdon]

Omg just read your fav genre is whump and i literally never seen any whump blog for American Horror Story, lol...

As someone who is also obsessed with AHS and whump myself, can i possibly request a whump story for Kit Walker inside Briarcliff pls? That poor babe just suffered so much in there, but i gotta say i just love the dramatics 🤭

Tysm, I'd really appreciate that!

Fragile

Kit Walker x Fem!reader ✩ 1.2K words

Summary: Dr Arden was never a merciful man, Kit soon became an interest of his. Someone needs to extend him some kindness and nurse him back to health.

Angst, Hurt-comfort, semi-fluff

**Not proofread and probably an insane amount of commas and other errors but it'll be aight.

Warnings: (🚨 Talks about infected wounds, fever, bruising, medical abuse, Mental abuse, physical abuse, asylums, bleeding, and time period inaccuracies probably 🚨)

(A/n: Kitson, my angel, my beloved. I hate hurting him but I love the angst. Thanks for the request I didn't know what kind of whump you were interested in so I tried to combine all aspects 🤭 I was gonna k!ll him but I was feeling nice)

✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆

You and Kit weren't too different from each other, both convicted on crimes you did not commit.

Female hysteria. That's what they call it when a woman was too smart, so a man locks her up to keep her quiet.

This was a cruelty that was extended to you by your own husband.

Kit was thrown in on convictions of murder, bloody face is what they called him. People wanted someone to pin a string of murders on, it was a convincing smear campaign that even you believed at first.

 But as you got to know kit as a person, as you got to know his heart, you realized he could never be capable of inflicting so much pain, especially on a woman. His character proved his innocence.

A friendship blossomed quickly between the two of you, and a delicate love that remained unspoken. It communicated itself through stolen glances and kind words

It was something just for you two to understand.

Kit was always a gentle and kind man. He always stood up for what he believed was right which is what often got him in trouble, he was too headstrong.

It had been three days since the last time you saw him, he had been dragged away by the guards for “inciting a fight” after some pervert had tried to grope one of the newer patients without her consent, you were hoping that he had just been bent over sister Jude’s knee and caned a few times, although she was harsh she sometimes had an understanding side to her

but alas, Kit hadn't returned.

That was until today, when kit was dropped off in the community room completely unraveled from his usual charming self. His eyes were glassy and seemed to stare into a void, and his body was scuffed, scraped, and bruised all over.

“Maybe that fried some sense into you walker” The guard chuckled as he dropped kit’s limp body onto the floor right in front of the couch where you sat.

You felt your throat tighten as the tears welled up in your eyes. You kneeled down to comfort him.

Immediately you pushed his hair back, your hands gentle and forgiving against his damaged skin, you could see where the metal from the shock therapy had burned him, he must've been under it for a while. His cheeks were flushed and feverish, his breaths shallow, you could tell it was hard for him to breathe from the way he winced as his chest rose and fell, the bruises on his back made you wince, the purple wounds spread across the sides like an angel that had its wings clipped.

He leaned into your touch, scanning your face like he was trying to remember who you were, if you were kind or if you would also cause him pain. His eyes were empty and lacked their usual warmth he tried to speak to you, his attempted words becoming sobs when he noticed how you were looking at him. How you pitied him.

"y/n-" he started, his voice hoarse.

“You’re gonna be okay kit, you gotta be okay. Can you walk? I can help you, but I need to get you out of here," You shushed him

He nodded, holding onto your shoulders.

You wrapped your arms around his waist, feeling a wet spot as you pressed your abdomens together.

You looked down...Kit was bleeding, a lot.

",we're going to our special place, okay? I stored some of my things in there"

There was a small storage closet hidden away in the corner that was accessible just down the hall, it was empty except for a couple of desks and chairs from when Briarcliff used to be a school. You and Kit would usually sneak off to smoke together and talk about what you would do when you finally got out of this hellhole.

Since you were technically a non-violent case you weren't searched as thoroughly when you arrived, In school you had received a bit of nursing training, you knew Briarcliff could be rough, you heard the stories and rumours, so you brought a first aid kit in your bags and stored it away the first day you were allowed in the common room.

You two took small unsuspecting steps towards the room making sure that the guards were not looking, as you slipped into the closet, closing the door behind you. 

“Kitson, I'm going to put you down OK?” you warned him

He nodded as you gently lowered him onto the cold ground. He winced feeling the pressure against his bruised back. 

You pulled the first aid kit from its hiding place in one of the desks. It was complete with some gauze pads, rubbing alcohol, a spray disinfectant, rags, medical grade needle and thread, and and a roll of bandages.

 You rolled up his shirt to examine the site of the bleeding, he had been practically cut in half and badly stitched up. The wound was jagged and puffy, it was definitely infected or on its way to being.

"It was Arden," Kit managed to speak up, tears falling from his eyes as he tried to catch his breath "If this takes me, you gotta tell 'em it was Arden." He cried out

"I won't let you die Kit, i'm going to save you," you tried to sound confident, for both of your sakes. You pulled one of the rags out and folded it into a thick square, placing it in between his teeth "This is going to hurt angel, you're gonna want something to bite down on."

He obliged, fully trusting you and biting down.

"Just keep breathing, it'll be over before you know it."

He looked up at you wide eyed as you shook the can of wound wash.

"3....2...1" with that, you sprayed the wound down.

Kit struggled against it, immediately crying out, his face turning bright red as the stinging engulfed his body in what felt like the fires of hell, pure agony.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry! It's to stop the infection. The hard part is over!" You graced him with a kiss to the forehead, as he sobbed.

You covered it in some gauze, applying slight pressure to soak up the fluids of the wound, before gently wrapping his abdomen in bandages to keep it safe from further harm.

"We'll have to change this out in a couple of days instead of everyday. We don't want to run out" you sighed, removing the rag from kit's teeth.

He was still in massive amounts of pain from all of his injuries, the road to recovery would be difficult.

After laying there for a couple of minutes, while you cupped his face, gently rubbing his tears away with your thumb and cooing to him, he spoke up.

"...Arden says I got two days to recover. Then he's gonna continue his research." He swallowed, his tears falling rapidly.

"That's not going to happen, my love," You pressed his hand to your lips ever so gently "save your strength, the rumours of a tunnel to the outside are true, and I know exactly how we can get through them."

Kit looked into your eyes, a glimmer of hope shining. He even managed a small smile.

"I believe in you doll, I always have. I always will."

#ahs asylum #kit walker #fanfic #reverse comfort #evan peters #american horror story #angst #whump #ahs fandom #ahs murder house #ahs fanfic #ahs hotel #ahs coven #tate langdon #james patrick march #evan peters fanfic #evan peters x reader #kyle spencer #asylum au

[nebulacritter]

my thoughts on the KOSA situation

I'm very scared of this law. It's not protecting children at all. It is thinly-veiled xenophobia, abuse of power, and unnecessary censorship all at once.

It will wipe away most of the things that made our internet fun and diverse. It will wipe away queer content, the support for Palestine, and even sex-ed. For that last one, it just prevents kids from learning how reproduction works.

KOSA even allows the government to invade your privacy by spying on every single account on the internet. I'm not a political expert, but that doesn't feel constitutional at all.

I'm unsure if this law will pass though. One part of me thinks the politicians will finally succeed in ruining the internet, but another part of me thinks it's impossible and unrealistic for them to do so.

Also, I've seen millions and gazillions of users (like you!) protesting against KOSA, and I gotta say, keep up the good work! I've seen you talk to your senators about the damage it'll do, and I've even seen a truckload of votes in Bad Internet Bills! Honestly, I couldn't do it without you guys.

I can't really do much about this situation, but I can make a self-care list to get my mental health back into shape.

#LET'S SAVE OUR INTERNET TOGETHER!!! #kosa #stop kosa #internet

[kuninkaanmurhaaja]

Crystalline (3)

mwIII zombies au ghoap, hurt/comfort find part 2 here ---------------------------

"Alright, Lieutenant Riley, let's see..." the nurse started, looking over the clipboard in her hand. The anticipation as a short silence settled in the room was eating away at Simon, and especially John. Poor Scot was worried more than he let on around the nurse. "From what our researchers have gathered from a sample we took off of you, these crystals seem to be a result of the infection, yet... it's not turning you into a... zombie." She paused and thought her next words out carefully, "Not that you're exactly immune, of course, you just seem to have an odd reaction to it that we haven't seen in anyone yet." Simon nodded along, understanding what she meant, but that didn't give him an idea of the future. How this was going to affect him further than it already has and if it'll, well, kill him. John seemed to get to the talking before Simon could even get his mouth open, "So what does this mean fer him? Can he still even work? Is this going to kill him? It better fuckin' no, I swear on every last one of yer goddamn scientists they better figure this shite out. I'm no letting him die on my watch." The nurse seemed to take this as calmly and professionally as she could. She let out a short breath, replying slowly, "Sergeant MacTavish, trust me they're doing everything they can to understand why he's reacted this way, but it's not easy. We barely even understand the virus itself." She sighed, glancing at her clipboard, but continued, "In the meantime, we'll have to keep him here for testing. I'm sure you understand." Even Simon himself seemed opposed to the idea of being kept in the infirmary, prodded and tested on. That much was clear from his face. He immediately protested, and so did John. They argued there was some way they could do their testing and allow Simon to stay in John's company and do his work. The nurse tried to reason, but ended up with just a compromise, knowing she won't get through to the two men. "Alright! We'll take samples and while the researchers do their tests, Riley can keep doing his work. I know you don't exactly trust us, MacTavish, so when we get results you can be here with the Lieutenant as we read them out to him." She pinched the bridge of her nose with an exasperated sigh. Gathering herself, she set the clipboard down and leaned against the table, crossing her arms and finally coming to the conclusion of this visit, "Lieutenant Riley will have to stay on bed rest as his injuries recover, the gas did some damage to his lung that need time to heal. I'll be going, but you're allowed to stay with him, Sergeant." With that she took her leave and left the two in silence. ---------------------------

I don't really like this but i needed to get something out, and sorry for being gone for so long, I was having really bad mental health issues and needed to take care of myself for a while, but here's part 3. As always, tips and suggestions are welcome. <3

#cod modern warfare #cod mw2 #ghoap #john soap mactavish #simon ghost riley #angst #cod mw3 #cod mwiii #cod mwii #ghost x soap #soap x ghost #ghostsoap #soapghost #ghost mw2 #soap mw2

[iamgodsoopsie]

Astarion Headcanons (that you probably won't like) Pt. 3:

Part 1 link

Part 2 link

More Astarion headcanons that are mostly me projecting onto a fictional character to help me process my own trauma!

BG3 does an excellent job at depicting SA trauma and the beginning of the healing process/journey. Many of the headcanons I've seen floating around (intentionally or unintentionally) gloss over the uglier side of healing from (prolonged) trauma. I'm not judging anyone for magically healing him, he's fictional after all, but I'd like to make some more ...realistic... headcanons.

Disclaimer: Everyone's healing process looks different, but they tend share commonalities. These headcanons are based on my own experiences. Not everyone who is healing from their trauma will experience what I have or have experienced it like I have.

[Please don't message me with explicit details about your trauma. I am at the point in my healing journey where I can share my experiences, and commiserate with other's similar experiences, but I am unable to support others in a more personal manner at this time. I wish you the best of luck in your healing process/ journey.]

Spoiler warning

Mental illness, SA, & SH (suicidal ideation) Trigger Warnings: More descriptive and potentially triggering than part 1, but about equal to part 2.

These headcanons are based on an Astarion who is still a spawn and romantically involved with a Tav who honestly loves him and isn't abusive or manipulative. Also Cazador is dead and Astarion got to stab him. They also assume that he himself does not turn into Cazador 2.0 or wish.com Cazador.

Have things been going well for awhile? Is he reclaiming his sexuality at an exponential rate? Does he think he's practically conquered his trauma?

-> If you said 'Yes' to any of the questions above, then be ready for: A trigger he didn't know he had hitting him out of no where and setting his mental health on fire.

->-> If he's at a place in his healing journey that he is able to recognize what happening and use his healthy coping tools/ honest communication to process his unexpected emotional (maybe literal) flashback then it'll be a not fun time for him, but he'll get through it fairly quickly with minimal mental damage.

->->-> If this happens closer to the beginning of his healing journey then be ready for him to spiral and catastrophize. He'll insist that he'll never truly be free of Cazador, that he's broken, that he isn't allowed to be happy, etc. All you can really do during this time is be there for him. Reassure him that you love him and that you believe that he will get better.

->↑ This is a normal part of the healing process, it's shitty and God-awful- but it gets easier to manage and happens less frequently over time.

Even if he weren't an immortal vampire he's still a high-elf and will probably outlive you. And boy oh boy the pressure he's going to put himself under to hurry up and heal is going to be immense AND counterproductive!

-> Poor bby is terrified that he'll finally be happy only for it to be ripped away from him.

->-> Him rushing his healing will only make it harder for him to heal, and he knows this. But Gods damn it all he can't seem to shake the feeling that he's running out of time (okay Hamilton).

->->-> I gotta be honest, I have no fucking clue how to help him with this. I suppose that the only thing you can do is love him with the time ya'll have.

->->->-> TBH I can see him deciding that he'll KHS when you die. I know you have the best intentions, but asking him to live for you after your gone will (probably) be perceived as very manipulative.

->↑ I honestly don't think ya'll are going to come to an agreement on this if you're vehemently against the notion. It may be best to make your preference known and then leave the topic alone- as pressing it will only cause him to double down. (After 200 years of not being allowed to make any decisions for himself, he's not going to let anyone tell him how to 'live' or die).

Surviving "200 years of shit, PURE. SHIT!" had to have been exhausting. And healing from trauma is exhausting. All Astarion wants to do is rest but he feels that he can't truly rest until he heals from his trauma and he's so damn tired and has to keep dealing with this shit and he really wants to give up somedays but he'll be damned if he lets Cazador 'win'.

->↑ Healing is hard work. But it is so damn worth it.

I'll go back and edit any grammar and spelling mistakes later, but I'd really like to post this now.

#astarion #astarion ancunin #astarion hc #astarion headcanon #astarion headcanons #astarion x reader #astarion x tav #baldurs gate 3 #bg3 spoilers #cw #tw sa #tw mental illness #tw sh #heavy themes #trauma recovery #astarion analysis #sa survivor #dead dove do not eat #im projecting #tw suicidal ideation #tw sucidal ideation

[spicesweet]

I found that for several days I'll be able to eat clean and balanced meals but then on the weekend if I go out to eat with family or friends, I can't seem to make myself choose the healthiest option and if I do get something I like then the rest of the day I seem to forget about my commitment to eating healthy and losing weight and i feel like I'm back where I started each week. I've had some problems with emotional eating and I think eating out especially is a comfort thing for me and seems to trigger that part of my brain that I can control most of the week. Maybe I should just stop eating out for a awhile until I can control myself better. Thank you for reading, this is frustrating for me because I didn't realize before why weekends specifically seem to trigger my issues with food.

thank you for sharing and trusting me with this message! 🤍

I'm not sure if you want to hear my thoughts on this but I'll say them anyway and you can just ignore them if you want to.

I think what you're going through is extremely normal and not bad in any way, shape or form. this is not a sign of failure and you'll never go back to where you started! there's no going back, even if you decided to completely give up on all your current routine and efforts; you've already made changes, which means the old you is gone forever. I love that post that is like the happy and the sad guys in the bus and both of them say "there's no old self to go back to" because it's soooo true! unfortunately, even if you decide to self-destruct, it'll be an entirely new thing. you can never erase this progress, this mentality that you have formed, you'll never erase the changes you've made.

the important thing I think you need to learn/focus on is that progress is not a straight line of perpetual, endless, unstoppable growth. there's no such thing in any organism, entity or concept on this planet and, as far as I know, in any other planet. you'll always have off days, bad moments, and yes, even complete and utter failures, in anything you struggle towards, in anything you want to achieve, any project, any desire. you'll never be a perfect abstract flawless washed up organism. you're life, you're earth, you're a piece of chaos herself.

BUT! that's not to say that what you're describing to me is a failure. not picking the healthiest option on a menu when you're out to have fun doesn't mean you're doing something wrong, getting off track, losing progress, back to square one, none of that. food is not meant to be simply fuel, simply a means to an end, and if your healthy diet becomes a chore and a form of punishment, the stress of it alone will hinder your project. eating clean, healthy food is not something that you should do for a couple of months until you achieve a certain number on a scale or a certain shape in the mirror! it's a lifestyle change that should continue with you forever, because that's one of the main ways you can care for and protect yourself.

but that's not all there is to food and to eating and to living and caring for yourself! there's food for the heart too, food for the soul, food that makes us feel warm and that makes us have fun even if it's not the healthiest, most nutritious possible thing on the menu. there is absolutely nothing, NOTHING wrong with going out on the weekend and eating whatever you want, especially if you've been keeping a healthy diet the majority of the time! fun-over-health or flavor-over-nutrition meals are not gonna do anything bad to your body and soul unless you let it.

if you decide that eating a pizza over a salad is morally wrong, then it will damage and harm you, because it'll frustrate you, shame you, stress you out. and you don't deserve any of that. actually, even if you weren't keeping a healthy diet, you still wouldn't deserve to actively hurt your mental health over it. it's not worth it and it's completely arbitrary. you can decide whether these meals will make you feel bad, and you really, really should be kinder to yourself. there's a time and place for everything. you're allowed to have fun, to be spontaneous, to do whatever the hell you want.

besides, what's the point of keeping a clean lifestyle if you're not allowed to use your body as you wish? what's the point of having all this health if you can't enjoy it? what's the point of restricting and struggling and working hard if you won't give yourself credit and merit and allow yourself to exist without pressure?

if you're reading this and you want my true opinion, there's nothing for you to change or worry about. you can have fun with food and still keep a healthy lifestyle. you can't stress over every single second of your day, over every single bite you take, over every single item on the menu. you're working so hard on this body of yours, but don't forget that you also need to let your soul be. have fun and enjoy it! life's too short and too gloomy already to worry about dinner with friends and family on the weekends. please take these words to heart, I absolutely mean each and every one of them 🤍

#loveletters

[duplicitywrites]

Thank you so much for replying to my other ask! I completely understand not wanting to revisit a fic you had wrote when you weren't doing the best, and I hope you're feeling better now! 🩷 I adore 'evermore' so much even though it's quite depressing aha 🥲 The way you wrote Harry's mental health and escapism was so good and Id love to hear some spoilers if you were up to it 😅

One thing I love about fanfic is the freedom of it all, and like you said "What is fanfic if not an ode to writing that felt unfinished?". Your interpretation of Harry as an abused child at his core in works like "damaged" always get to me. It always felt weird in the HP book series that Harry had such an awful childhood and was as well adjusted and happy in the future.

Another one of your works I was really interested in is 'perfect boys with their perfect lives', the Harry/Cedric aka a certain dark lord one. It really had me thinking about what could have happened in the graveyard if Harry hadn't escaped 🫣

i am, thanks! it was around covid, which was an awful time for everyone i'm sure, with weird life stuff piled on top of it.

i was going to answer all of the ones you mentioned, but evermore is actually one of few stories i have planned out in detail. this is why it has a planned chapter count (though that hasn't stopped me from going overboard before lol).

i guess i'll just give you the whole thing in case i never finish it kljsdgkljdgs it's pretty long, so under a cut it goes! but first some context for everyone else:

🍃 Evermore

Tags: Alternate Universe, Unhealthy Relationships, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Manipulative Relationship, Infidelity, Past Child Abuse, Dream Sequences, Depression, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Plot Twists, Happy Ending, Surprise Ending, Healing

Summary:

Harry is a married man who is living a charmed life. He has no need for the fantasy potions gifted to him by the Weasley twins—or so he thinks. After falling asleep on the train ride home, Harry dreams of the perfect man, a man named Tom Riddle. As Harry explores his dream life with Tom, he realizes that his actual life is not as charmed as it seems. The pristine image of his faultless marriage shatters, revealing a darker reality, and Tom Riddle becomes an oasis, a sanctuary for Harry to escape to. However, no sanctuary is eternal and no oasis is truly perfect. Harry must eventually confront his demons, inner and outer, before he can find real happiness for himself.

Notes:

these notes are arranged in order from where the most recently posted chapter left off.

there are probably some divergent points that occurred during the actual writing process, but this plan below (i'll admit i'm not quite brave enough to reread it all) is what the general storyline will be.

-

reality four - right where you left me

maybe harry's been harbouring fears of his potions being found? :thots: or his husband's made note of his changes in behaviour, accuses him of not spending time/being devoted

they get into an argument where harry gets a looooot of shit for stuff he doesn't deserve to get shit for, stuff that's not even true

harry yells back but gets hit, idk if by magic or not :thots: and he backs down, distraught. then once he's alone, he goes straight for the dream world

dream four - no body no crime

it'll be a much shorter version obviously, and the character roster won't be the same

i hadn't nailed down the specifics of the background and so i'm not sure how it'll look, exactly

harry is NOT married in this dream, he knows dream-husband but they are only friends

dream-husband is ginny's role in this particular iteration

but the climax of this scene is where harry is snooping around in the house, where he happens upon the dream-husband's diary

he's been looking for evidence to prove the murder

harry reads through the diary

and in the diary are tragic entries describing depressive thoughts, details of emotional (maybe even physical) abuse, etc.

this is a pivotal moment for harry, who up until this moment has been in denial about the failings of his real life marriage

reading this in the framing of it happening to someone else is enough for him to realize that it's wrong

what happens to him is not okay

but of course it's not that easy to just, shrug off years of marriage all at once; harry once again exits the dream, thus ending that particular dream universe

he's partly in denial but it's not as bad as before

he's been using the dreams as a coping mechanism up until this point

i've made it sound kind of frustrating but the dream worlds that harry goes to are meant to be very lush, romanticized

while we realize that harry's dream worlds are not ideal, he doesn't realize it right away

he thinks he's still doing something wrong

reality five - coney island

uh so next is probably another real life scene which shows tension between harry and his husband, only harry is no longer acting the way he did before aka accepting things without question

after the dream, harry starts to... notice things. he picks up on the slights, on the manipulative behaviours. he doesn't argue back for most of it, because he's still figuring it out and he's in shock, but he does start acting differently, which is noted by his husband

it escalates things further, a landslide of 'harry is no longer listening to me, is no longer under my control' type of deal where it results in more attempts to manipulate, which harry now sees is bad

voldemort grew addicted to power, made deals with politicians, gained a following

he looks back on past events and picks out the red flags, realizes that his marriage is not a marriage of equals. but just because harry knows these things, doesn't mean he knows what to do. he goes back to the dream world for comfort/answers

dream five - cowboy like me

this one is 'cowboy like me'

harry is there with his husband staying at a hotel, they happen across dream-husband, who is a con artist attempting to swindle an older woman

either harry is also a con artist in a similar vein, or he is mistaken for one - i'll probably decide once it's written out and i get a sense of the vibe

but he and dream-husband have some interesting conversations, flirting, etc

the theme of this dream i think will be further strengthening the similarities between harry and the dream-husband he's made up in his head

this dream ends with a bittersweet farewell

something along the lines of, despite their attraction for each other, they must part ways? :thots: or some other thing

but there will be a bit of a cheeky 'see you soon'

aka referencing the fact that it's a dream/dream world, that the dream-husband is a recurring character in harry's mental space

reality six - happiness

harry's down to two vials now, the bittersweet farewell of dream five has him realizing that time is running out in the metaphorical sense; we understand that soon he will need to make a choice

i might loop back to infidelity at this point, maybe in an attempt to bring harry to heel, his husband starts flaunting an affair? :thots: cause in the past, flirting with other people probably worked to make harry upset and easily manipulated

but y'know now harry is armed with his brand new knowledge of Marriage Should Not Be Like This and also he's got some shiny self-worth stored up, courtesy of dream-husband

dream six - ivy

in this dream world, harry is married to his current husband, but he is having an affair with the dream-husband; not in the sexual sense, but in the emotional sense. drawing on the dream five, harry is seeking comfort and solace from his bad marriage

this dream is meant to remove more of harry's doubts and encourage him to see that his current situation is bad

and i imagine we start to break through the fourth wall; dream-husband speaks directly to harry, referencing real life events that have occurred

he encourages harry to leave

harry is doubtful, obviously. this is all he's known and he's been gaslighted, manipulated, mistreated

he's terrified he will be found out and punished for it

but the dream-husband reassures him, promises him that things will be okay, etc.

he makes harry promise to take care of himself

and i'm thinking in true romantic sense, maybe they spend the night together? :thots:

reality seven - closure

we solidify that harry deserves better, that what has happened is not his fault, etc all the important, healthy things

we have harry reaching out to the people that have been slowly pushed out of his life (mostly by his husband). he’s reconnecting with them, being healthier, i think this section would end with harry going to ron and hermione and telling them the truth, telling them everything

harry is down to his last vial, so he's been saving it

like, he could obviously go and get more, they would give it to him for free, even, but you know it's kind of like

he shouldn't have to rely on that as a coping mechanism any more

dream seven - evermore

i'm thinking harry goes for one last dream, they sit together outside(?) or somewhere else that has significance for harry

they hold hands, harry talks about how much the support has meant to him, what he's learned about himself, what these dreams have taught him

sometimes things don't work out

he knows he needs to walk out and move on

i'll probably cry writing all this so you know it'll be good

the end - it’s time to go

then like i mentioned before, there will be a scene of harry signing divorce papers. his friends are with him, telling them they support him, and he feels... relief. he feels hope.

the story ends with harry attending a party, this time by his own decision. he's here to genuinely mingle with people, with his friends, and have a good time

and then he sees someone

much like the previous dream, it's someone who he once knew

they talk, they catch up, but this time it doesn't feel odd or uncomfortable

harry feels secure with himself, and we end on the hopeful note that this could go somewhere good

#asks #anonymous #evermore au #this story still does mean a lot to me #i'd like to finish it

[angelicgaming1007]

TW: Abusive friendships + Mentions of SH and S

So I've still been getting anons saying im not "abused enough" even after detailing the sh*t my "father" (I refuse to claim that monster or his side of my blood) put me through. Even after what my teachers as a child put me through. So lets go through my friendships shall we? or atleast the closest friends. This might be multipart since it'll be so long

Male #1: Send me graphic photos of his SH, while talking about S*icide, confessed his "love" for me while doing so, and wanted to know my address so he could get in my pants. and "fix" my asexuality.

Male #2: Tried to get me to cheat on my then boyfriend (now fiance) and tried to ruin my reputation and get me banned from games and platforms online for denying him while trying to ruin my friendships by spreading rumors of me being a sl*t Female #1: Behind my back seduced my older brother so she could get in his head and control me by threatening me using him. Tried to forcibly convert me to her religion numerous times. Threatened her life about every few days forcing me to stay up with her, skip meals, etc which slowly was deteriorating my physical health because I was pushing my body far past its limits. (And I couldn't say no because I was an already damaged person in recovery and she took advantage of that to manipulate me into a state where it felt like she was the only one who would ever love me and that I'd die alone if I didn't please her. I was really bad off mentally when I met her s*icidal bad off) She would use my traumas against me to re-traumatize me so she could play hero and control me and manipulate me further. She put me in situations where she was trying to sell me digitally off to men trying to force me into sexual roleplays so she could make money. She also was trying to turn me on all my friends, monopolizing my time, convinced me everyone hated me and that I was never good enough for anyone. But that I was good enough for her. Almost ruined most my friendships with her slander and mind games. Male #3 & 4: Took the side of an abusive female friend (Female #1) and even helped her in her abuse by intimidating me and using my traumas against me, gaslighting and victim blaming me and peer pressuring me and even blackmailing me while trying to "Fix" my asexuality. Female #2: Stole all my artwork, Stole my ideas for webcomics we were going to work on together and did them alone then turned around and tried to gaslight me, tried to claim everything I ever made as hers, catfished men using my face, made p0rn videos with ai with my face. Stalked me, Tried to find my town and succeeded but didn't find my house. Started to dress, talk and do her makeup like me even changing her hair and stuffing her bra to replicate my boob size, started to use the nicknames and inside jokes I had with other friends trying to get them on her side while she slandered me behind my back. Claimed she was the leader of our friend group and put me down a lot and used my influence on the others to influence them by making them believe I trusted her to do this or that. Almost ruined numerous of my friendships. Female #3 and male #5: I introduced these two to eachother when I thought they were both my friends. Then The guy sexually harassed me, got creepily clingy, tried to monopolize my time, threatened me with self harm and s*icide to get me to go on calls with him to watch him sleep. I expressed my discomfort and he threw a whole "im going to kill myself" fit over it to get her sympathy. I was made into the bad guy for trying to establish boundaries so I walked away from him and she blamed me and hated me for it and ended our friendship calling me the toxic one for walking away from him. She then started rumors behind my back and started harassing me in video games to get me to quit games i used to love by making it impossible to play by targetting me with the PVP functions to the point I couldn't do anything because her guild was so big. Female #4 and #5: Basically a lot of back and forth and drama they entangled me in and then they would verbally abuse me and emotionally manipulate me as I tried to play mediator with them and other friends. They tried to get me to spy on other people and if I declined I was the target of bullying and harassment. In this case I had been barely an adult only 19 they were much older as was everyone involved (one of which was female #3) These two would stalk me across games, and servers to harass and bully me and try to ruin everything I tried to do. They would go to someone who I found later was friend #3 to find out what i was doing, they put their rivalry aside to joint-harass and bully me.

[radinclus-not-radqueer]

On "consensual incest"

PT: On "consensual incest" END PT

I know I said this wouldn't be an education account, but as this affected me personally and is something other anti-radqueers struggle to argue against, I decided to briefly explain why "consensual incest" is a lie and how it's almost always harmful.

Let's start this out by explaining that, when you're being hurt, you often don't notice it. Any abuse or grooming victim can tell you that when you're currently being abused, you usually don't recognize it. Even if you do recognize that something is wrong, you convince yourself that it is either normal/it'll get better soon or it's entirely your fault. An abuser rarely ever directly states "I'm abusing you" (and when they do, it's often a sarcastic joke made to make the victim think they're imagining it).

When you're a minor being abused by a family member who lives with you, it is nearly impossible to leave. Because of this, your brain tries to convince you that everything is fine because you have no other option besides staying. On top of this, abusers often follow up abuse with love, gifts, and apologies, pretending that they're going to change and that it actually wasn't that bad. This further manipulates the victim into believing everything is actually just fine - and when you can't physically leave your abuser, your brain is already trying to latch onto anything to make it seem better.

People who support "consensual incest" are probably already skeptical of this because I keep talking about abuse - however, there have been many, many studies that incestual relationships badly affect your mental health and traumatize you.

According to this study in 1983, incest victims are much more prone to drug and alcohol abuse, depression, and intense guilt, and are also at an increased risk of marital problems and abusing their children. It also states that victims will usually have PTSD, which will worsen if they don't receive help.

In this study from 1992, victims of incest were shown to have much higher rates of anxiety, depression, phobias, PTSD, and alcohol addiction.

In this article from 2018, it states that survivors of incest are more likely to report feeling depressed and psychologically damaged than survivors of other types of sexual abuse. They are also more likely to be shamed and shunned when they try to go to others for help.

There are many, many more studies and articles explaining the same thing. If you google "stories from survivors of incest", you can find many stories from people who went through this type of abuse.

You can say that everything is actually fine and you're in a happy, healthy relationship, but as I explained above, it may seem like that, but it is often not the case. If you believe that your partner is an amazing person and would never do that to you: your partner is most likely lying to you. You are probably experiencing love bombing - where an abuser tries to act all sorry and loving to keep their victim trapped in the relationship.

Many victims of incest report that they convinced themselves everything was fine. Ex-radqueer victims (including myself) have, time and time again, talked about how they were encouraged to stay quiet about their abuse because it was "consensual" and they were only grossed out because it's "stigmatized".

I was manipulated by radqueers into pursuing a relationship with my sibling. My sibling and I have always been best friends, partially because we've both been through a lot of abuse and trauma from family members. Because of the abuse I went through, I felt incestual attraction towards my sibling as a trauma response. I was in the radqueer community at the time.

People in the radqueer community offered no help. All they did was tell me that I was an example of how people who went through incest-related trauma can still support and be in happy "consang" relationships. They told me to pursue a relationship with my sibling, because that was just what being radqueer was all about.

My sibling and I briefly dated for a few weeks. I was sent to a mental hospital due to several suicide attempts. While staying at the mental hospital, I realized how awful the community was, and I realized how badly being in an incestual relationship was affecting me. I'd tried to normalize and rationalize everything in my mind, I'd tried to see the best in everyone and do my research before supporting things, but the radqueer and "pro-consang" communities had taken advantage of that and used it to turn me into a living proship fanfic.

We both consented. We both desired a relationship. Neither of us intentionally abused each other. Despite that, we both have trauma from it and may never recover.

I'm in therapy now, and I'm recovering, so don't worry about me. Worry about the young, traumatized kids in the radqueer community who are being manipulated into accepting abuse as "consensual" and "normal". After everything I've typed up here, I think it's as clear as can be that nothing about incest can ever be consensual.

#consang #pro consang #consanguinamory #consanguinity #consang safe #<- tagging for reach #anti consang #anti radqueer #former radqueer #ex radqueer #tw incest #tw discourse #tw csa #tw abuse #tw grooming #tw child abuse

[mr-entj]

Hi Mr. ENTJ, congrats on the new job offer. It's good to hear INTJ and Kobe & Co. are doing well, too.

I'm an ENTJ currently in my fourth year of my Computer Science PhD specializing in Machine Learning/Data Mining, and I know that you know how quickly this field moves. There's loads of advice about how "doctoral programs a marathon, not a sprint" and students need to pace themselves and have work-life balance in order to not burn out. Following these principles, I've made it this far unscathed (in terms of mental health deterioration) and managed to stay in my program.

With luck, an understanding advisor, and low amounts of admin work (emails, meetings-that-could-be-emails, etc.), and good self management, I have been able to work 40 hour workweeks for the most part and stay on track. That being said, I am currently in a period of time where I am increasing to 50 hour workweeks in order to meet a conference deadline at the end of June 2023 (time of writing is mid-late April 2023). As long as I show up to work every day and do my best, I expect this paper will be finished by the time my internship starts. This is fine by me; deadlines need to be met, and I want to continue with my current 5-year PhD trajectory (as opposed to taking longer).

Speaking candidly, I have ADHD and am also Autistic, and maintaining this 40hr/week is critical in preventing the "I wake up in the morning wondering if I've accomplished anything meaningful with my life" feeling that gets in the way of me doing very much at all with my day. I also notice that when I am in the *deep throes* of burnout, my ability to pull back and look at the bigger picture takes a nap and I make myopic, hasty decisions. It's a recipe for bad research.

I've relaxed my "good work-life balance" constraint to simply "do not enter the *deep throes* of burnout". My question is for what lies after this period of time: I will be entering a summer research internship. I am concerned I will not perform well at my internship and will not be able to study as hard for full time interviews as a result of my choices now. Any tips for optimizing this recovery time and post-burnout damage control? Is this an ill-posed question, and there is no way to have my cake and eat it too?

Thanks for your time and consideration, Mr. ENTJ.

You can have your cake and eat it too, you'll just need to endure for the next few months.

Some thoughts on your situation in no particular order:

Get therapy and medication for the ADHD and autism if you haven't already. Mental health issues should never be left untreated especially when you're attempting ambitious and difficult goals. It would be like trying to win a race with a broken leg.

Set strict guardrails to get adequate sleep and nutrition. Don't compromise on either of these two because it'll severely impact performance. During the most intense periods of my life, meal planning worked really well so I could grab and go healthy meals without long prep time. Poor health choices lead to low energy, brain fog, and bad moods. Healthy food/snacks, hydration, vitamins, exercise (even a quick 15 minutes of cardio when my scheduled was packed) made me 10x more effective.

Reach out to the summer internship team and learn more about expectations so you can start planning ahead to manage your time and prepare to hit the ground running. Most summer internships aren't time-consuming and energy draining to the point they'd grind you down to dust. This is because interns require a lot of time to onboard which cuts into the 3-month summer term and they have limited access to information, skills, and experience needed to do more complex work. I wouldn't jump the gun and stress about underperforming without knowing the full scope of your role and responsibilities.

Ensure that you have at least one person from your summer internship who can speak highly of you. In the unlikely event you don't perform well in your internship, you'll still walk away with a solid professional reference to use for future full-time job offers. Pro tip: Companies won't interview every single person at the internship even if you fuck up. As long as they can verify you worked there and you have at least 1 person (more is better) who can speak to your abilities, you'll be fine.

Prioritize full-time job interviews > summer internships if the summer internship has a low chance of conversion to a full-time role. If the opposite is true, reverse that order. If you need to prioritize one of these two, prioritize the one that secures your desired outcome.

Focus on outcomes over input. Focus on the things you achieve, the milestones you reach, and the obstacles you overcome-- not the amount of hours you put in. A few weeks ago I fixed a $5 million problem by clearing up a misunderstanding with a 90-minute conversation. This 90-minute conversation was way more impactful than the 40-50 hours of work I put in the previous week. There's that John Wooden quote: "Don't mistake activity for achievement." Benchmark your progress towards achieving a 'meaningful life' with impact, not input.

#work #school #phd #academia #burnout #internship #internships #entj #faq

[protectingtulpas]

Hi! *waves*

What are your/y’all’s thoughts on someone creating a tulpa for the purpose of having a caregiver/someone to share the burden of having poor mental health? Are there any ethical questions which should be taken into consideration before creating a tulpa? /genq

Hey! Great question, this is something a lotta new tulpamancers come to the practice about so you're not alone in that. Making a tulpa to share the burden of life is pretty common, that's what you're gonna be doing regardless and tons of people report their mental health getting way better after tulpamancy. Spending your life together and sharing ur existence is exactly what you should be doing, you'll both be sharing it.

There's a difference between that and two pitfalls u could fall into, tho. For one, your tulpa is not a symptom holder like some traumagenic alters are. They won't be TAKING your mental issues from you, and trying to saddle with them with intentionally upon creation is fucked up. On the other end of the scale, you don't want to make somebody that feels like their only purpose is to help you/comfort you/make you feel better, becuz that really damages a person and their sense of self worth and identity, tulpa or not.

It's completely normal to start off with a sort of "base" or "seed" for a tulpa (lots of people use fictional characters as a base) if you're intending their personality to be along certain lines. Of course all tulpas can diverge and change and grow, so don't expect them to perfectly conform to that seed! But my point is that if you're looking for someone with more of a calming and comforting vibe, that's something u can instill in them when first creating them in two ways. First off, when you first start forcing your tulpa, make sure to conceptualize the traits you imagine them with, and focus on how they might react with those traits. But what I find helps way better is introducing them to activities and stuff you think someone with their personality type might enjoy. That way, they'll build up the experiences to back up their feelings and it'll be a lot more natural.

Another reminder that your tulpa can diverge and have whatever personality they want, even tho they'll be influenced by the creation process. Make sure you're ready and looking for a friend, not a therapist or somebody to shunt issues off onto.

#tulpamancy #pluralgang #tulpa #pro tulpa #endogenic #tulpa safe #endo safe #plural community #tulpamancy advice

[brownbitchshit]

Listen...we are gonna get a s3 because the way Netflix is promotion the show, ofc we are. So given that we are getting S3, lemme make some deductions.

I don't think we are actually ready for S3. For starters it's going to be super dark. You know why? Let me explain

1. Simon-Wilhelm's initial relationship troubles are over. But honestly, the problems they had so far are not even remotely as serious as the problems they are going to face in the future. Young Royals s1&2 reminds me of Hunger Games trilogy. At first you only see District 11 and the games but eventually the world expands. Same for Young Royals. In s1 we only see Wilhelm's life in Hillerska apart from few scenes here and there. We know he is under pressure and he has lots of responsibility and a freaking legacy on his shoulder. But we only realize how terrible his pressures are in S2. We see it's not only his mom that he has to fight against, it's a freaking institution that already is planning to replace him with a sex offender. I bet in S3 we'll get the 360° view of what the life of a Crown Prince actually consists of. How gigantic his world is and how much scrutiny he is actually under. I think even Wilhelm will realize how big of a role he has not only as a Crown Prince but also as the first Queer Royal. Both Simon and Wilhelm are going to be under tremendous scrutiny in the next season.

2. In s1&2, Simon never had to give up who he is to be with Wilhelm. Despite all the relationship troubles they faced, Simon never had an existential crisis. But being the boyfriend of the Crown Prince will mean his whole world is about to be upside down. For someone as proud and righteous as Simon, that can be very damaging. And it also creates lots of scope for conflicts. Simon will have to give up everything he stands for to be with Wilhelm and that will either break them up (which is unlikely in S3 I think) or will break him.

3. Simon will most likely get the 'Meghan Markle' treatment from the media. Lisa often has referenced Prince Harry's story as her research. So I think it'll be very fitting that she will show Simon to be treated the way Meghan Markle was. He definitely fits the boxes too. They both are immigrants (well Simon is not but Swedish people might consider him as one due to his ethnicity),POC, raised by single mothers, troubled fathers. In Simon's case he also has the disadvantage of being both a man and belonging in a middle class family and not to forget there is still the drug thing looming over his head. So I think we will actually see Simon having mental health issues the way Wilhelm had in s1&2. And what scares me is that Wilhelm will be oblivious to Simon's struggles since he will probably be on cloud 9 because of Simon and for finally living his truth. But for Simon it might be too much. Or maybe Wilhelm will realize how hard it is to love someone in his position.

4. The main conflict in S3 ,I think will be again something external that might end up separating our Wilmon in the end. But I think this time it won't be a misunderstanding between them. My bet is that either Simon will be in a some sort of dangerous position due to the public scrutiny (probably a hate crime) or his mental health will be shambles due to the 'Meghan Markle' treatment and in either case Wilhelm will decide to let go Simon and break up with him against Simon's wishes, probably by using cruel methods. It will parallel to s1 when Simon broke up with him to preserve his self respect and in S3 Wilhelm will break up with him to protect him. They will both end up being heartbroken and Simon will misunderstand Wilhelm while Wilhelm will be devasted but happy to let Simon go to keep him safe.

I am a fan of angst so I will probably be dead if my predictions come true but also happy because I need more seasons of these and I wanna see them aged up and then be endgame. Again knowing Lisa, probably all of our predictions will be null and void. But that's what I imagine will happen anyway.

#young royals #wilmon #edvin ryding #yr season 2 #omar rudberg #wilhelm simon #lisa ambjörn

[guardiandae]

If anyone checks here for sign of life, re: 5+7 updates, this is the latest

I'm still sitting at 9k words for the next chapter. I think it'll wrap up at 11k at the least, possibly more. The reason why is because each chapter is one day for this story, and a lot happens.

This feels really dumb to admit but both my mental health and physical health hit a wall, and that's why it's not made much progress in a while. I ran out of my medication for a while and learned again that my brain really needs its chemicals to come from a bottle. I also hurt myself at work, after enduring a brutal stretch of maximum effort days. Now I have to fight with my work about it, and have way too many appointments for physical therapy. The injury affects my dominant hand, so I even gave up writing (during my hot streak ;;;) for a few days to try to help it. But because I haven't stopped working, and because I can't stop doing the same damage to it, I haven't gotten better. It's frustrating and making me think to look again for a different job. If they won't let me actually be "light duty" at work and every day continues to be this painful for me, I might have to take time off instead.

Anyway, between these two things my head has been in a bad place to work on such a happy story. But I look forward to returning to it (again, again) and will still finish it no matter what.

[is-not-a-unicorn]

I'm having a bad mental health day

I'm really struggling to do anything. I'm not even going to the house today because I need a break. I'm trying to take it easy so I can calm down. I did some Journaling when I woke up. I stopped by my partner's work to visit with him and bring him lunch and I did some shopping. I thought getting out and doing stuff would help me feel less depressed but it didn't. I took a shower and I'm gonna nap after I post this. Maybe that will help.

CW: angry rant after the cut

I was up all last night and couldn't sleep because I was thinking about how angry I am with my roommates.

This entire floor was covered in piss & shit with paper towels cemented to the tile. My roommate kept saying he would clean it up. Did he? No!! My partner and I did. I spent like $200 on cleaning supplies, he had everything he needed to clean. He said he was going to but days went by and nothing. He said he would clean on Tuesday and we came back Sunday and nothing was done. My partner couldn't be in the house because of the smell so we cleaned it ourselves. It still smells like urine but not as overpowering as it was 😢

I'm just tired of being the one doing 95% of the cleaning. I did ALL of the cleaning the first two years we lived together. After I stopped cleaning up after them everything went to shit. I haven't used the kitchen in 5 years because it smells like urine. And they never cleaned it.

The basement was flooding last year and the plumber refused to come in the house. I wasn't even living there, I was with my partner in his apartment. And I'm still the one that cleaned the kitchen and the laundry room.

The other roommate always says thank you and tells me how great it looks and I HATE that. I don't care that you're grateful. I don't want to always be the one doing the cleaning. I work more hours and have a harder job. I haven't lived in the house for the past two years. Clean up your own fucking mess. I don't want praise. I want them to clean up their own shit.

Talking to them does nothing. They say they'll clean up but they DON'T. I swear I'm gonna start charging them $75/hr to clean up after them and just take the money from the household account idc.

I'm scared to live in the house again. I was so depressed living there before, things got REALLY bad. It'll probably be better this time because my partner will be there to support me. My partner keeps telling me it will be okay. But I'm still scared. I keep having break downs and crying if I think about it too much.

And my partner's mad too. He thinks my roommates shouldn't have a dog if they can't take care of it. But the dog is extremely reactive and wouldn't be able to be rehomedso he's not going to say anything to my roommates about that. My partner is going to try to work with training the dog since my roommates haven't. He feels absolutely terrible that this dog has been forced to live in her own urine and feces. It's unsanitary and cruel. My partner is also worried that the urine soaked through the grout and damaged the foundation of the house.

I don't even know how my roommates' cats are because they stay in their room. But my roommates always smell like cat pee and it's a little bit embarrassing for me to be around them in public.

I don't even know what to do except keep cleaning. Next week. Not today.

#Depression #Rant #Vent post #Personal vent #Vent #Anger #depression mess #cleaning #audhd #Self care #How do I stop feeling angry?? #How do I get out? I feel trapped #reactive dog #Unsanitary #Animal neglect #ND household #Cleaning #I am broken #Personal

[justanotherhh]

suuuuper curious to know where you're suspecting the story will take striker, blitz will definitely want him decimated once he comprehends the damage dealt to stolas, but there's also the matter of there definitely-almost-certainly-i-am-not-deluded being a goetia we still haven't met who striker wants decimated for whatever the fuck was done to him and his in the past ( unless he's already killed them and then just.... kept on plowing with his unquenchable quest for vengeance ) + obvs his backstory needs to be revealed and that thing will have to address both his classism and his identity as a hybrid + there's def more villains left he could team up with + twice now there's been the lingering threats towards octavia and oh no where could that possibly go now that he's off stella's chain + i am so curious where his beef with eminem will go now that they've had a rematch

hello hello!

THIS IS AAAAAAAAALL PULLED OUTTA MORE OR LESS NOTHIN' BE PREPARED:

Yes, absolutely there is some Backstory that's been somewhat hinted at that I think will explain some of his ire and further develop him as a foil to blitzø, who, after all, early in s1 could for a second there have believably joined him due to feeling objectified and used by stolas after a lifetime of his talents (which in the episode and generally all episodes are shown to be substantial) going to waste, due to, yes, his own Trauma, but also due to Class specifically. but of course, what striker doesn't get is that blitzø actually likes loves stolas and also stolas loves blitzø and wants to do better by him RIP

(sidenote, I think if striker found out that the reason blitzø acts Like That around stolas is to keep himself emotionally safe/at a distance, because he doesn't feel good enough for stolas, he'd flip a table, not because he cares about blitzø's mental health, but because This Is What He's Been Trying To Make Points About The Whole Time Dammit These Blue Bloods Take Our Best And Turn Them Into Whining Toys Desperate For Their Approval!!!!)

but yes, something that will potentially make blitzø see/understand where striker is coming from, and why he's unhappy with the way things are (in ways moreso than everyone else is unhappy about the way things are), and even maybe why striker was hoping to find some commonality with him? because they... do have a lot of common ground....?

sidenote here, I don't think this can be entirely divorced from stolas' and fizzarolli's arcs, the former I think could potentially eventually abandon the expectations forced upon him and become blitzø's employee/partner, and the latter... more unsure. still need some data, but it'll definitely pertain to his relationship with asmodeus being out in the open now. my dream is poly life, but hey, i'm never expecting it, even in queer shows. not everything can be sense8 after all --

but stolas and fizz represent two sides of the status quo that are going to dismantle it in their own way. stolas by not subjecting himself and therefore others to what he's been taught he Has to do and be, and fizz through his relationship with ozzie. they're already so much more effective than anything striker has managed to achieve, despite his beliefs

but also that striker is blitzø's shadow. blitzø feels hopeless and alone, but he's got a lot of people (especially as of halfway through s2) who would go out to bat for him, who want him in their lives, who really really care... the person blitzø doesn't want to be is... striker. striker is a match for blitzø in every way (share first place at the harvest moon festival), has many similar opinions (oh great, now the supremacist is agreeing with me), and is similarly jaded... and has nobody at all

the point is that striker's goal is to dismantle the status quo... sort of... it's to destroy something in any case, to get vengeance as some kind of vague Concept (which does make me think he got his vengeance and is just post-vengeance lashing out) but it doesn't seem like he's thought that far ahead, and now it's become personal, it's all centred around blitzø (and fizz, but blitzø moreso) "betraying" their kind, and stolas and potentially fizz, now after oops are symbolic of everything that's Wrong, but also... it would hurt blitzø specifically..... both western energy and oops showed blitzø reacting emotionally to someone getting hurt because of striker. differently, because his relationship with stolas and his relationship with fizz are two distinct kinds of fucked up, but in the end, because of blitzø's place in the story and the Thing that striker is trying to destroy (powerful demons and the class traitors that allow themselves to become their pets) it aaaall centers back around to him and striker becoming more and more unhinged about, specifically, him, and also maybe wanting to drag blitzø to his level and finally finally agree with his point of view...

at least... that's what i want it to

so I want it to get more personal from here on out. striker seemed to really lose it at the end of oops, there is no cool left AND THEN BLITZØ BLEW HIM UP. MY GUY! IT'S PERSONAL NOW IF IT WASN'T BEFORE! (and it was getting personal before, but I'm gonna break you like a horse really cinched it -- and that was before his manic attempts at murdering fizz in front of blitzø)

I don't necessarily think blitzø would want to "decimate" him, not because striker isn't really dangerous and hasn't actively tried to kill two people blitzø loves (and moxxie and millie by proximity), but because to blitzø this isn't as personal... yet. kill, maybe, but I don't think he's currently out looking for a fight, and I think once it does get that personal, the dynamic will be too complicated to measure in simple terms of destruction, i think it'll be a cauldron of things...

I need to go back and rewatch western energy to remind myself of how exactly he taunts stolas that blitzø isn't coming for him, just to convince myself that there's something in there that's more than just glee about stolas being hurt, but also that he's happy that blitzø hasn't been completely lost to this relationship (fizz is way more of a lost cause according to striker), and maybe he can cut that thread for him, who knows. put him back on the right path. it's a gift, really, killing stolas

and i want blitzø to pity striker. i think that would drive him right over whatever edge he hasn't toppled off already, if blitzø understood and saw him and still told him that he was wrong, but now he felt sorry for him

as for via, great potential for a stolas and blitzø co-dads team-up? i don't imagine she'd get seriously hurt in the way other characters have been, but then that's my own limitations, simply because she's been safe from harm so far... but yeah, co-dads team-up. feels like a later down the line thing (well, most of this does)

i do want striker to land some kind of truly painful hit on blitzø. something he can't walk away from without actually getting help. whether that's hurting people he loves, or hurting him in a way so that he needs to be saved (listen, i want the latter... big fan of emotional whump blitzø, but the show has us covered on that front, it's time for him to need saving after getting stabbed and beaten and what have you, stolas can't have all the fun!)

In Conclusion: do I have real Theories? not as such. I just have Feelings.

a. I want blitzø to understand striker because of striker's past, and for that understanding to make things worse between them b. I want striker to take whatever messed up emotions he has and fine-tune them in blitzø's direction and everything he cares about (hell, maybe barbie could get involved in this somehow, so far she's been very far off to the left) c. I want striker to really really hurt blitzø. I want blitzø to at one point be genuinely, deeply afraid and in pain for a prolonged amount of time (so not just the brief parts in oops, I'm talking full episode angst) because of striker -- I think especially because striker has lost a few bouts against I.M.P. it's time for him to get a real win. and for blitzø to get hurt. sorry, that's what you get for being the narrative's specialist little boy d. I want striker to accidentally bring stolas and blitzø closer together, perhaps by kidnapping/threatening via e. I want striker to function as blitzø's narrative/symbolic shadow for the rest of the show f. do I want striker to survive the show? idk. maybe. I like a villain whose motives you get, but who never gets redeemed, and whether that can happen and him surviving, who knows g. I want there to be more horse-based innuendos, I think that's their shared language h. (I also want him to start crying because he's so damned tired of everyone making his esteemed rivalries and attempts at decent threatening behaviours and murder into a sex thing. can't a guy be a mass-murdering hitman in peace these days?)

as for villains: striker and mammon? striker and paimon? the hypocrisy of striker working with people like stella being writ even larger, simply because his whole set of ideals have been upended by how much he wants to destroy/dominate/win over one fucking guy that lives in his head rent free (blitzø has that gift)

In Real Conclusion: in the journey to try and get at blitzø, striker destroys the last parts of himself that he could hold onto. something like that. that would be cool. also. want him to make blitzø cry at one point. just cos.

#helluva boss #helluva striker #blitzø #blitzo #blitz #helluva boss meta #blitzker #striker/blitz #because listen. do i Ship them in the traditional sense? no #do i think there is a non-zero amount of this dynamic that i like best when it's hard to sum up outside of some of the precepts of shipping #yeah that... that thing.... i like the idea of a striker who wants so Desperately to dominate/break/control/win over/etc blitzø #and a blitzø for whom the greatest fear is becoming striker #hb meta #go tf to sleep me