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mbti-notes · 3 years

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INFJ. Processing past Fe failures. Want to get better at socializing / having deeper relationships/friendships. Muddling through Ti development - desiring to get better at self-awareness + communication. A lot in my brain and it'd be a lot to share the entirety of recent exchanges that have ended up in failed relationships, so I'll try asking this and hope it's enough to get critical thinking help from you, thank you much in advance. (1/2)

[con't: I notice a pattern of me trying to communicate and express myself to be understand by, or be emotionally met by Fi users, and them responding by saying things like "I don't know what you want from me", "I don't know how to help you," "I'm sorry you feel that way" or them even saying variations of "Maybe you're not used to my communication style" (ENTJ) if I express that I feel dismissed, uncomfortable, or disrespected.

This isn't ALL Fi users thank God & I'm in therapy now to address my downplaying of my emotional needs, being willing to work through anything even though the romantic relationships I'm attracting are woefully incompatible or unhealthy. But I want to get better at doing my part to increase the chance of relationships building. What am I doing/expecting/judging in my communication with Fi users so they respond that way or has me feeling being unseen/misunderstood? Is it the basic INFJ recs?]

You point to Fi specifically. Fi doesn't require outside validation, so perhaps what you're encountering is their lack of concept of outside validation, in the manner that you're seeking it with Fe.

All of those example statements sound like they could be taken sincerely. "I don't know what you want from me" could be an opportunity for you to better explain what you need/want. "I don't know how to help you" could be an opportunity for you to provide better instructions. "I'm sorry you feel that way" could be a helpless admission that the two of you don't see things the same way. "Maybe you're not used to my communication style" could be an indication that there is a need to investigate the big gap between what was perceived and what was actually intended.

Not everyone is going to see eye-to-eye with you, not everyone is going to agree with your version of events, not everyone is going to care about your needs and feelings enough to address them kindly and patiently. This should all be okay with you unless you were walking around expecting everyone out there to have the capacity to meet you emotionally or validate your emotions (unhealthy Fe)? That's simply not gonna happen, so it's an unreasonable expectation. That's why it's so important that YOU be the first to take care of yourself and own your emotions, set proper personal boundaries, and navigate interpersonal boundaries more gracefully.

If you feel someone has violated your boundary (i.e. you feel hurt by them), the answer isn't to violate theirs in return. You're trying to fix a problem in the relationship, so further damaging the relationship isn't going to help. Whether you are right to feel hurt is not the main issue. Feelings themselves are always true and tell you something true about you. However, what you DO about the feelings isn't always right. There are two main ways people deal with negative feelings: 1) bottle them up, which amounts to self-harm, or 2) express them, which opens up the possibility of doing harm to others, if they don't have the means to process your feelings. Neither way is ideal.

If your main approach is to expect people to change (when they can't or don't want to), expect them to give you more than they are capable of giving (due to not having the means or resources), expect them to understand something that they are not really capable of understanding (when they just don't think in the same way as you), etc, your expectations are easily perceived as "demands". You're essentially pressuring people to be what you want them to be, which amounts to dishonoring them and violating their boundary. This approach is usually met with submission or resistance. If they submit to you (because they care for you), they will be unhappy for having allowed you to violate their boundary, and the problem will recur because it was only swept under the rug. If they resist you, conflict ensues, and the relationship bond will be tested and possibly threatened, especially if the conflict recurs without resolution.

There is a way to honor your feelings while also honoring others' feelings. It requires you to have good emotional intelligence and be a good communicator. Good emotional intelligence means respecting your feelings and taking full responsibility for them. Instead of seeing yourself as the victim (i.e. "you made me feel this way"), you see yourself as an agent with the power to decide what is best (i.e. "I feel this way and this is what I should do about it"). Positioning yourself as a passive or helpless victim means that you cast blame and eventually demand reparations. Positioning yourself as an active and influential agent means that you survey the situation objectively and then try to act in the best interests of everyone involved. This is what healthy and confident Fe should look like.

For example, when you feel dismissed, maybe you bottle it up for awhile, until you can't take it anymore (because the problem remains unaddressed). Then you confront people and say, "I feel dismissed". This implies that the other person has done something bad to you. You are the victim, which puts them on the spot, feeling like the bad guy, and then they can't hear you, due to becoming too preoccupied with not wanting to be the bad guy. Communication is likely to stall there, unless they have the wherewithal (emotional intelligence) to keep their focus on you and your concerns.

Instead, you could say to yourself, "I feel dismissed". You take full responsibility for your feelings and validate them for yourself. When you are good at validating your own feelings and emotions (something you admit you really struggle with), you'll eventually find that you won't need to rely on others to do it for you.

What does it mean to feel dismissed? It means that you believe you're not being taken seriously, or something to that effect. Not very difficult to understand. What to do about it? The feeling of disharmony is a message to you that you have to do more to advocate for yourself and make space for yourself within the relationship/group (it is good Fe advice). There are many ways to advocate for yourself without stepping on others. If you choose the right way, in terms of honoring everyone involved, the feeling of being dismissed will dissipate naturally. If you choose the wrong way, in terms of honoring yourself but dishonoring others, you'll encounter the problem again, because you haven't addressed the underlying problem of you positioning yourself as the victim in every relationship conflict. Chronic victim mentality is often an indication that you depend too much on outside validation of your self-worth.

Unless you are stuck in a very toxic social environment, the majority of people are not malicious for no reason. Before accusing or blaming, are you absolutely certain that they INTENDED to dismiss you? If not, wouldn't it be wise to gather more info? For instance, you could ask something like, "Have you had the time to give my idea serious consideration?" No blaming, no battling, no victim-victimizer dynamic. Do you understand how communicating without blame, through genuine inquiry, avoids trapping the both of you in a vicious cycle of seeking emotional reparations? You give people the benefit of the doubt. You give people the chance to clarify or explain. You give yourself the chance to grasp the FULL picture so that you can make a more informed decision about what to do (based on their response to your question). But this presence of mind isn't possible when you can't accept your feelings/emotions and they run wild as a result.

One common misapplication of Ti is the tendency to jump to illogical conclusions or make up illogical stories about what is motivating people's negative behavior, all the while believing that you're being completely logical. It's a destructive way to deal with negative or disharmonious feelings. Once the false narrative infects your mind, you can't help but perceive the person as attacking you, even when they're not. This misuse of Ti is a major impediment to relationship building.

The problem with victim mentality is that you are hyperfocused on your perspective only, so you only have half the picture, which means making ill-informed decisions. If you are prone to Ti loop, you need to get to the bottom of why you're so quick to position yourself in the passive position of victim. A healthy relationship should be an equal partnership based on trust, which means that you should always try to 1) give people the benefit of the doubt, and 2) gather the facts of the situation before drawing a conclusion about what they intended or what kind of character they are.

If the fact of the matter is that the person really doesn't care about your feelings, then you know not to seek validation from them, and perhaps distance from them for your own good. Don't play around in toxic or abusive relationships. If the fact of the matter is that your perception of the situation doesn't match up with what they intended to say/do, then it's up to you to straighten out the situation in your mind before proceeding.

Trust your feelings, validate your feelings, but don't act blindly on them (i.e. without fully grasping what's happening with the other person). Figure out why exactly you're feeling what you're feeling, then take it up with the person in a way that addresses the root of the problem and in a way that doesn't immediately put them on the defensive. Conflict is sometimes unavoidable, but being more skilled at communicating your concerns will certainly reduce the amount of pain required to reach a resolution.

#infj #infj relationships #emotional intelligence #auxiliary fe #ti loop #communication #self worth #victim mentality #boundaries #relationships #conflict #ask

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chuuyasnumber1simp · 3 years

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Toxic- Dazai x GN! Reader

warnings: mentions of suicide, aftermath of attempted suicide, depictions of violence and torture, kidnapping, brief mentions of self harm, Dazai being toxic and borderline emotionally abusive but he has a reason, he’s a little emotionally stunted, general angst, a good ending but you have to work for it

word count: 4213

Dazai hated this time of year.

Summer was a season he oh so despised, sick of the uncomfortably hot weather that prompted people to ask why he was wearing so many layers in July.

He was sick of the pitied glances and confused faces as he strolled around Yokohama, adorning his usual trench coat and bandages.

But the one thing that made this season more bearable, was watching your face as you enjoyed all the summer activities. He couldn’t quite pin point when he started falling for you, but he did know it was around the same time he started pretending not to hate summer.

Dazai was a man of mystery, and preferred to stay that way (though deep down he wanted someone he could bare his soul with, but alas they always scurried away when he revealed the shattered pieces of his heart) yet you persisted in trying to crack him open, trying to see the real person behind the acting.

Yes, much to Dazai’s surprise, you figured out his profound talent for acting just weeks into your job at the ADA, and since attempted to see his real personality. Unfortunately, Dazai was always acting, even when he was not. Most of his life he has devoted to perfecting that act, his role, and not one single person has seen through all of the acting, all of the masks he wears. Everyday he wakes up, he climbs his tired and battered body upon that stage, and begins his act again. He has done this as long as he’s known, and he has no reason or desire to stop.

That is, until he met you.

Despite you only being able to see through his outermost mask, you’ve always understood him better than most people. Maybe that’s what drew him to you in the first place, the way you seemed at ease in his presence, seemingly ignoring his past and even present actions. He was enamored by your personality, and soon he too felt happier when you were around. He took this into account when you approached him after work, nervously ringing your hands together, refusing to meet his eyes.

Taking a deep breath, you slightly stuttered the words he didn’t realize he wanted to hear so badly.

“Will y-you go out with me? I know you don’t really do dates, with the whole double suicide thing, and if you don’t feel the same about me that’s fine, I just really like being around you and your hot so I was just wondering—“

He silenced you by planting a soft kiss against your lips, hoping it conveyed what he hoped.

“Does that answer your question?”

The months after that were happy, a white spot on his relatively bleak life. You brightened his day when you entered the room, and he loved the way your eyes crinkled when you laughed.

Yet, he still could not find a reason to stop the attempts to end his own life.

He loved you, god he was sure of it by this point, but when he stripped of his bandages and held a razor to his wrist, your face did not flash in his mind.

When he leaned over the edge of a bridge, your smile did not make him hesitate, though he wished it did.

He was angry, angry at himself for not loving you enough, and angry at you, in some twisted way, for not being enough.

Dazai was confused, confused about why he was angry at you, and confused about why you weren’t enough of a reason to stop himself every time he tried to commit suicide.

For once, Dazai Osamu had a problem.

and he had absolutely no idea how to fix it.

...............................................................................................

This was really annoying situation.

This was your third hostage situation in a month, and honestly you were getting sick of it. You really didn’t know how you kept getting in these situations, although it wasn’t all that surprising considering your line of work.

Your coworkers -yourself included- often found themselves in situations not unlike this one, though theirs, especially poor Atsushi’s, were usually more severe.

Another day, another migraine.

This time, you were slightly afraid, just because the men here this time were more serious. The way they conducted this situation was less like a robbery plus hostages, and more like a search.

Like they were looking for someone.

This part concerned you, because who exactly could they be looking for? This was just a simple grocery store, and you doubted they received enough money to warrant the type of people these men were. Petty thieves? sure. Gang members that possessed impressive weapons? It was unusual to say the least.

Currently, they had you all lined up against the wall of the vegetable section, hands zip tied behind your back. Your unusual ability -dream manipulation- would not help you here. In fact, it usually help you at all, but you weren’t concerned about that right now.

You were concerned about why these men were asking every persons name, and what they would do once they got to you.

One of the men, tall and imposing, sporting all black and a ski mask, plus military grade boots stopped in front of you.

“Name,”

You swallowed thickly. “Why do you need that?”

No sooner had the words life your mouth did you feel the boot connect with your abdomen- and not in a nice way. You coughed harshly, a little blood dribbling out of the corner of your mouth.

“Name,”

You spit the blood onto his boot, Dazai’s defiant personality must have rubbed off on you a bit.

“I’m not giving it until you tell me why,”

You weren’t stupid- you worked at the Armed Detective Agency, and people like this don’t ask for names unless their lookin for someone, usually someone who’s ‘wronged’ them. Being in the ADA had given you a lot of friends, but also a lot of enemy’s. Being the s/o of a former mafia executive didn’t really help either.

This time, the boot met your face, throwing you directly backwards into the carrots. The feeling of cold metal on your forehead and a clicking sound net your ears, and you looked up.

“I’m going to ask one more time before I’ll have to get a little messy. What. Is. Your. Name,”

“Elvis Presley,”

You regretted your choice instantly, as the gun went off directly into your thigh. You screamed, bullet wounds were always more painful then other wounds you got on the job.

where was the police? where was Dazai?

pain made it difficult to think straight, but you surmised that giving your name would be your best bet in this situation. You were most likely whoever they were looking for, and you didn’t want to endanger the innocent hostages.

“Y/N L/N. That’s my name,”

The man roughly grabbed your arm and hauled you to your feet, dragging you away from the other hostages.

“Yeah, we got the right person. Come on, let’s get out of here before the good ol boyfriend comes along,”

A bag was placed over your head, and you were thrown into the back of what you assumed was a van. Your injury’s weren’t that severe, yet the pain was unrelenting. It seemed to increase the longer you had them, though you didn’t know why.

“I bet your wondering why your in more pain then you were a bit ago,”

a man who’s voice you didn’t recognize spoke once the van came to halt, and it set you on edge.

“That would be the handy work of my ability, which i must say, comes in handy in my line of work. I can make one injury, one tiny little paper cut hurt like a thousand knives are stabbing you,”

As he explained his ability, the pain increasingly got worse, until you were writhing on the van floor, tears streaking down your face. Eventually, it stopped, and you sagged in momentary relief, only to be dragged out of the van.

You were about to slip into a pain filled unconsciousness when the sting of a taser brought you back. You jerked and screamed, just wishing it to all be over.

“Ah ah ah,” the man with the pain ability spoke again. “We’re gonna need you conscious for all of this. It’ll be more fun for me, and more painful for you!”

“Why,” you said, voice already hoarse from the events of today. “What did I do,”

“It’s not really what you did, but more like what Dazai did,”

..........................................................................

Dazai stood outside a warehouse, guilt and fear consuming him. His breaths were short and fast, and he could feel himself spiraling.

This wasn’t supposed to happen, you didn’t do anything, it’s my fault, god i am so STUPID—

“Dazai,”

Kunikida’s voice brought him away from his darkening thoughts, and Dazai tried to calm himself. Having a panic attack would not help the situation.

“Y/N is not helpless. I’m sure whatever this people have done, they’ll be fine,”

While Dazai wanted to believe his partner, he knew this specific group was known for their intense torture methods, because of their leaders ability. Dazai knew that the Port Mafia took down the majority of their organization, and he’d been tasked with breaking their leader, Takahashi Watanabe, and he did it through torturing and then murdering his fiancé. Dazai grimaced internally, the things he did in the Port Mafia usually did come back to bite him. He just wished they would leave you out of it.

This wasn’t the first time you had been dragged into grudges between Dazai and his old victims, and the guilt he felt about it had been building for some time now.

After deciding on a plan, Kunikida would take out the guards while trying to make as little noise as possible, and Dazai would enter, take down whoever was inside, and get you out. Kunikida would join him once he was done with the guards.

Kunikida’s ability came in handy at times like these, and although he did not show it, Dazai appreciated the strict man.

While Kunikida made quick work of the guards, Dazai slipped into a no longer protected entrance, and quietly surveyed the area.

Dazai had seen many things, he’d done many things, but absolutely nothing could have prepared him for your beaten and bleeding body, chained up against a wall, the ring leader standing in front of you.

Every time Takahashi flicked his wrist, you would start writhing in pain screaming out to whoever would hear you.

Dazai couldn’t stomach any more of his lover being tortured right in front of him, so he rushed out from his hiding place and punched him in the back of his head, feeling his own fingers fracture and pop at the force.

“That’s enough of that now,”

Takahashi was stupid, and left all of his men to guard the entrances, leaving no one actually inside the building but himself and you. Dazai undid the chains, and you wrapped your arms around his neck, sobbing loudly into his chest.

“I thought I was going to die, it was so painful—“

“I know,” Dazai ran his non injured hand through your hair, rubbing circles in your back with the other. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here fast enough,”

“It’s okay,”

Although you told him it was okay, Dazai could not ignore the pit of guilt gnawing away at his insides. Every time this happened the guilt got stronger, taking over his mind, the thoughts of you being better off without him filled his mouth and head, choking him with all the softness of ash. He’d debated breaking up with you for months, not because he no longer loved you, but because the less you were attached to him, the less likely you were to be dragged into these situations.

Takahashi was the final straw, so while Kunikida drove the car that held you and Dazai back to the agency, Dazai silently made up his mind that it would be easier for you to break up with him if you hated him. Though it pained him to think of no more soft mornings with you by his side, or quiet nights where he wakes up heaving and your there to comfort him, he knows that you’ll be better, happier without him.

..........................................................................

Yosano healed you quickly, as Dazai waited nervously outside the door, swollen and purple fingers throbbing. You came out looking good as new, though Dazai doubted you had mentally and emotionally recovered at all.

He walked you back to the apartment, assuring you that Kunikida would let the both of you off easy this once, considering the day you’ve had.

And for once, Dazai was quiet.

The walk was quiet, and not in a good way. You were inside your own head, reeling from the events of today, and Dazai was mentally preparing himself for the conversation he was about to have with you upon arriving at your apartment.

“Ugh,” You collapsed on the couch, not even changing out of your bloody and filthy clothes before wrapping yourself in a blanket.

Dazai felt his heart twist as you looked up at him with your big e/c eyes, and knew what he was going to do would hurt you. And for that, he internally apologized.

“Dazai? Is something wrong? you’ve been quiet ever since we left the agency. You didn’t even joke when Atsushi fell asleep in a cupboard again,”

“I’m breaking up with you,”

You scoffed. “Yeah right. Come on, what’s really bothering you?”

“No I’m serious,” He willed his eyes to remain cold, and hoped his face showed no sign of emotion. “I don’t love you, and to be honest I’m not sure I ever did. It was a nice thought, our relationship, but really, I just wanted to see how long I could take this with you,”

Your eyes were filled with confusion and hurt, and he saw tears prick the corners of your eyes.

“W-What?”

“Ah, did poor little Y/N think I really loved them? Or were you just projecting your emotions onto me, like you always do,”

The hurt in your eyes turned to anger. “You know what? Go to hell. If you think you can just play with my emotions and lead me on for five months, then I never want to see you again,”

“That’s the spirit!” Dazai snapped his fingers.

Stop.

“Were you lying then? This whole time, was it all a lie?”

The bandage covered brunette rolled his eyes. “Duh,”

Your hurting them. Stop it.

You wiped the tears from your eyes, then stood up and met him with a cold stare.

“I hope your next suicide is a success you monster,”

You walked out of the apartment with your head held high, though he knew you, so he knew you would probably head to Yosano’s place, and breakdown there. Maybe even Atsushi’s, if you really felt sad.

When he watched you slam the door, it all hit him, that you were gone, and he’d done it on purpose.

He’d ruined the only good thing he had in life, so now, once more, Dazai Osamu was alone.

..........................................................................

If Dazai hadn’t hated himself before, he definitely did now.

When he walked into work the next day, Atsushi slapped him. Hard.

Atsushi, of all people, had slapped Dazai.

The entire agency stopped, save for Ranpo, as Dazai lifted a hand to the growing red mark on his cheek.

“How dare you,” Atsushi started, eyes wild, tiger fur starting to grow from his arms. “Be an absolute dick to Y/N. You lead them on for five months Dazai, and then had the audacity to break it off after they got tortured? Because of how disgusting of a person you were? No, let me correct myself, how much of a disgusting person you are. If it were up to me, I’d fire you from the agency, and ship you back to the Port Mafia, since your so keen on being a monster!”

Dazai could feel his façade crumbling, and he felt the shocked and outright disgusted looks of his coworkers.

“If I were you,” Yosano spoke very quietly. “I would leave while you still have your life. You being immune to my ability will not stop me from slicing your entire body into pieces if you don’t leave and go back to whatever sewer you crawled out of,”

Dazai took his cue and left, letting his façade break when he hears you sniffle next to Kenji. Eyes downcast, Dazai whispers something so quiet not even Atsushi’s enhanced hearing could detect it.

“I’m sorry,”

..........................................................................

Dazai didn’t get out of bed for three days.

He couldn’t even sleep, dreams of you being tortured was all he saw whenever he closed his eyes. The memory of your face as he ripped apart your heart forever ingrained in his mind, a testimony to his treachery.

He wept bitterly, aware that all of your suffering he was the cause of. He was no doubt fired from his job, Fukuzawa was a kind and patient man, but he would not allow this kind of plain heartlessness. He’d known what kind of man Dazai was when he applied for a job at the ADA, but Dazai knew no amount of kindness could forgive what he’d done to you.

He dragged himself into the living room, turning on the tv, hoping to distract himself from his thoughts.

He flicked through the channels, then almost dropped the remote when he saw the report.

“The Armed Detective Agency building is currently on fire, Detectives Kunikida, Ranpo, and their coworkers have all exited the building safely, but Detective L/N is still inside. Due to their injury’s, the remaining detectives have not been permitted to re-enter the building to save Detective L/N, leaving all of us to pray they make it out alive. Their healer, Yosano, is out on a business trip, so all we can do is put our faith in modern medicine,”

Dazai ran out the door before the news reporter had even finished speaking, throwing on shoes and sprinting the the office. Luckily, he lived close enough to get there in ten minutes, and he spared no time ducking under the police tape.

“Dazai! Stop!” Kunikida yelled at him from beside a fire truck, and several firemen and policemen tried to stop him. He flashed his ADA badge -thank god he brought it with him- and dashed inside the burning building.

He choked on the heavy smoke, coughing heavily.

“Y/N! Where are you!”

He climbed the stairs, ignoring the burns of the flames that licked his arms and legs.

He burst into the office, fire consuming the room. He jumped over some fire that had spread across the floor, looking under each desk. Finally, under Ranpo’s desk, you were curled up clutching a stack of files.

“D-Dazai?” Soot covered your face, and he could hear your lungs heaving.

“I know I’m the last person you want to see right now, but your going to die if you stay in here,”

Carrying you bridal style, he ran out of the room, but stopped because the stairs down to the last level had completely caved in. It wasn’t too far to jump, by the only thing that greeted the both of you were bright orange flames.

He looked out the window beside you two, wasting no time to punch the glass, not caring about the shards stuck in his knuckles, before looking down at your form. You couldn’t longer see the rise and fall of your chest, and almost screamed.

“This might hurt,”

He leapt out the window, clutching you close to him, tucking and rolling so he took the brunt of the damage. With a sickening crunch, his shoulder popped out of its socket, but he didn’t care, he laid your lifeless form on the pavement, and began CPR.

“Someone get me an ambulance!” He yelled, never stopping chest compressions. His arms ached, his dislocated shoulder screaming at him to stop.

“Come on Y/N, wake up!” He screamed, tears making streak marks on his grime covered his face. He was vaguely aware of a medic running over to him, he could barley see past the blur of his own tears.

The medic gently took you away from him, and he held his face in his hands, sobbing. Atsushi crouched down besides him, but Dazai didn’t care. He didn’t care that anyone watching could see him cracking and breaking, he just wanted to know if you were okay.

“Why are you upset? I thought you didn’t love her?”

Dazai stood up. “I lied. I was stupid, and I lied, because don’t you see,” he turned to Atsushi, aware of the manic look he must have in his eyes. “She’s better off without me. She keeps getting injured because of my disgusting past. You said it yourself, I’m a monster,”

“Dazai—“ Atsushi started.

“Y/N is gone, and all of this is my fault,”

No one knew what to do, they’d never seen Dazai show this much emotion, they’d never seen his faces break, never seen him this broken.

Kenji was the only to move, the only to step towards the form of the crumbling man before them.

“Do you love them?”

“Yes. I really do. Now I’m scared I’ll never get to tell them again,”

Kenji motioned to Kunikida, and Dazai’s partner stepped toward him.

“Your truly an idiot Dazai. Don’t you think Y/N knew what they were getting into when they started dating you?”

“Well I don’t know, but I didn’t want them to get hurt anymore so I—“

“And therein lies your issue. You made a decision for them, without even asking their thoughts. Now you’ve caused pain for the both of you, and you may never get to apologize. Although I’m positive Y/N will make it out of this, i think you should go to the hospital to be there when they wake up,”

Dazai simply nodded once, taking in Kunikida’s words, then walked in the direction of the hospital. Kunikida was right. He is stupid. But hopefully, not too stupid for you.

He must’ve looked so dumb, walking into your hospital room, nervously ringing his hands together, not unlike you did when you asked him out.

“Dazai? What are you doing here?”

“Um, I kind of wanted to apologize. For being a monster,” his voice hitched on the last word, and he hoped you didn’t notice.

“Well? I’m waiting. Just because you saved my life doesn’t mean i don’t resent you for what you said,”

“I know I just...” Dazai took a deep breath before continuing.

“I’ve hated myself for a long time, that’s no mystery. But when we were together, it made all the pain go away. Even if it was just for a moment, it felt good. But, I lied to you. I’m stupid and I lied to you. I thought if you hated me, it’d be easier for you to get over me. I was wrong, but please understand,” he took your hand in his. “I didn’t break up with you because I didn’t love you. It’s the opposite. I love you, a lot, but you keep getting dragged into messes and horrible situations because of how much of a horrible person I was. How much of a horrible person I am,” Dazai hated the way his voice had started to wobble, but he kept going. “Y/N, I’m so sorry I told you all those things. I’m so sorry I broke up with you, and I’m sorry for how much my past has put you through. If you still never want to see me again, I understand, and I’ll leave now,” At this point, tears were quietly slipping down his cheeks, splattering on your hand that was held by Dazai’s. “Sorry,”

You locked Dazai with a hard gaze. “I haven’t fully forgiven you just yet. Breaking up with me over something that could have been discussed was stupid of you,”

Dazai nodded, turning to leave the room.

“But,”

But?

You continued softly. “Someone who doesn’t love me wouldn’t jump out of a burning building and perform CPR that saved my life. I don’t think your a monster, and I don’t think your a horribly person. A little dumb yeah, and definitely not perfect, but you know,”

He turned back to face you, hope rising in his chest.

“I think that’s why I fell in love with you. Because of the person you are underneath, the person you are underneath all that acting,”

Despite you still being injured, you wobbled over to his shaking form.

“So, Dazai Osamu, I’m willing to give you a second chance. Provided you vow to try to stop committing suicide, because it hurt when you did it. It hurt to know that I wasn’t enough to keep you here. And next time, let’s talk about stuff okay?”

He nodded mutely, and you opened your arms.

“Come here,”

He wasted no time hugging you tight, shamelessly crying. Tears of sadness, tears of joy whatever they were, Dazai didn’t care.

Because Dazai had finally found his reason for living.

Hi this is self indulgent nd i wrote it on my phone. Its a vent sorta, i kinda want one of my comfort characters to hug me rn :))))) messed up family life amiright guys

#dazai #dazai osamu #dazai osamu x reader #dazai x reader #bsd #bsd x reader #bungou stray dogs #bungou stray dogs x reader

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myherorp · 4 years

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THE QUIRK DATABASE HAS BEEN UPDATED !

incoming information on general studies student, jeon mingyu.

get to know them !

faceclaim: han jisung

name: jeon mingyu

gender & pronouns: cismale, he/him

age: 19

year group: third

department: general

reputation: mingyu gets along well with his peers and does all his projects on time. he’s by no means a teacher’s pet, but he thinks there’s no harm in staying on their good side. despite this, he’s sort of a classic class clown, still he keeps everyone at an arms’ length. he wants to befriend everyone but he doesn’t let anyone truly befriend him, in a sense.

the quirk!

quirk name: undead

quirk description: essentially, mingyu’s body is dead, safe for the fact that his senses still work. he won’t die if he doesn’t eat or sleep.

abilities:

he can survive fatal injuries, retrieve severed limbs and regenerate his body if damaged.

he can leave his body in the form of spirit, too.

there is a significant increase in his physical strength, but it in no way compares to quirks centered around physical strength.

in other words, his body is only directly influenced by his own brain. for example, even if his own arm is broken, his brain can force the body to continue using it.

weaknesses:

like a curse, he can still feel pain. despite not needing to eat or sleep, he can go hungry and he isn’t prone to being lethargic.

his body does begin to decay, he needs to constantly strive for physical contact to extract a sort of life-force to prevent this. day-to-day contact suffices (for example, bumping someone’s shoulder in the bus), usually.

when leaving his body as a spirit, he can only do so for 15 minutes. if he stays outside his body for too long, his body will rot faster.

he isn’t immortal. a shot to his brain is insta-kill, another would be to keep his spirit away from his body for as long as possible.

he doesn’t have a heartbeat. his brain is the only organ of his that still functions ‘normally’.

mutation: his body can physically decay.

the history !

triggers: child abuse, murder

mingyu needed a hero of his own.

as a child, he thought they were amazing—adorning their eye-catching costumes, circling the premises as if their life depended on it, rescuing whoever it was no matter what. going back in time, he recalled instances where he wanted to wear those same capes, desired nothing more than to help those in need to the best of his abilities. heroes would be showered with praise, loved to the ends of the earth for their services.

if they were within vicinity, everything would be alright, it seemed. they will save you, keep you safe—that was their duty, the reason they exist.

they didn’t become heroes for nothing, after all. surely, he’ll encounter his own special hero one day, just like the ones he had seen on television. maybe, he’d be one of them one day, if the world allowed him to be. that was the dream, to have a hero take his hand and lead him out of the dark and into the light.

but for now, he had to focus on surviving until tomorrow.

“mingyu!” he could hear his father call, making him wince. no matter how many times he hears it, he could never get used to the sound of his father’s drunken slurs, the stomps that echoed throughout their small apartment. it didn’t take long for his father to reach him, there was nowhere mingyu could run. his father’s legs were longer than his, he couldn’t outrun him either way.

no, all he could do was take whatever his father was throwing at him and wait for his saving grace.

ii.

mingyu wondered what it was that made others worth saving, how long he had to wait for his dark days to end, how much he had to endure before someone, anyone, will hold out their hand to him.

he wasn’t sure when the first time happened. his arm bent backwards, elbow seemingly crushed. it happened before his father’s eyes—his bones rearranging themselves, popping his arm back into place, all he knew was that it hurt. his throat ached from screaming, voice thinning as he slowly lost it. for once, his father only stood there, watching as everything unfolded.

“so you aren’t a quirkless bastard after all,” was his only remark. his father didn’t say any more, wordlessly continuing what he was doing instead. the more mingyu’s body tried to fix itself, the harder his father went. and for his father, who was a hero of the old days, renowned for his physical strength, it was easy to go on as long as he wanted to.

mingyu stopped eating. he stopped drinking. he stopped breathing. his heart stopped beating. he felt like he was bleeding, but he couldn’t taste the iron.

mingyu died that day. no one came to save him.

iii.

reincarnation, the rebirth of a soul. the rebirth of the aspect of an individual that persists after bodily death—whether it be consciousness, mind, the soul, or some other entity—in one or more successive existences.

it took mingyu’s vessel to die for him to realise that he needed to save himself.

what came from a dead body that continues to push itself past is limits, is that his strength was no longer measured by normal means. mingyu needed years to realise that he could fight back, that his father was all brittled bones and his own could no longer stay shattered. he only struggled for 20 minutes, before he managed to escape his father’s clutches, running out of the house. his ankles were twisted, ribs broken, swaying as he walked. he eventually stumbled upon a hero, concern laced on their face.

his father, proud and stubborn, refused to lose. even to another hero, one he seemed to recognise. but his father’s only practice for the past few years was beating up his own son senseless, he wasn’t prepared to face a hero who made headlines.

instead, his father chose death—coward that he was.

but it seemed even cowards had more worth than he did, because the next thing he knew, the same hero who he thought brought him out of the dark told him that mingyu couldn’t speak of this to anyone. “your father was a hero to many, if word got out that he was actually like this… he was my friend, an inspiration to other heroes. he saved many people during disasters that you can’t possibly comprehend, life-changing events that you thankfully didn’t have to experience. you understand, don’t you?”

that was when he realised, his father had been one of those heroes he had seen so often on television, the same ones mingyu idolised ever since he laid his eyes on them. even though his body could no longer function that way, his stomach churned, a lump forming on his throat.

mingyu laughed, throat tight, but he nodded all the same.

“yeah.”

he’ll never become his father.

iv.

time continues to flow. the world moved on, and mingyu had to as well.

staying in an orphanage for so long, mingyu thought it was about time he give up on getting adopted. life had other plans, however. suddenly, he was no longer mingyu—he was jeon mingyu, the adopted son of two loving parents who wanted nothing more than the best for him. his parents pushed him to strive for the best, and that meant yueng-ung academy.

life seemed better then, the years that lead up to this point felt like a blur, a fever dream that he’d be happy to forget.

but it was impossible to, when mingyu passed a boy who looked just as frail as he was, bruises littered all over his body, the same fear he had seen on the mirror too many times evident in the boy’s eyes.

heroes have their plates full, they say. all their attention were on the inevitable attack of villains, preventing doomsday, natural disasters that will undoubtedly claim many lives. in that case, someone has to look out for the little guys, right?

donning a self-designed costume, helping out those that can’t reach out to heroes who seem too far away—he can do that much. no one else wanted to.

he didn’t want to be a hero, he just doesn’t want anyone else to have to wait as long as he did.

the personality !

mingyu tends to keep to himself. he is anxious when it comes to interacting with others, especially those he isn’t familiar with. in groups, he’s usually the mood-maker to make up for the fact that when conversing with people on his own, he’s rather quiet. his social battery runs out pretty quick, so after throwing out jokes and making people laugh, you can find him on his own listening to music or doing something else in his lonesome. in truth, he craves close connections, he doesn’t know how to go about keeping them.

he may come across as immature and brash at first, mostly because he wasn’t taught proper etiquette, coming from a dysfunctional home life. he also has a lot of pent up emotions buried within. he hasn’t figured out a healthy way to release them yet; outbursts are to be expected, although they come rarely. having a body that can basically act as a punching bag, there are times when he might not be able to understand other people’s pain, both emotionally and physically.

despite his bad experience with heroes, he holds no grudges against the heroes themselves, but the system. he wouldn’t, by any means, hold a prejudice against someone simply for being a hero. this, however, may apply to villains as well. he doesn’t see any sides, he doesn’t accept that everything is so black and white. as a vigilante, he is ruthless and doesn’t hold back. this is the only way he knows, so far, for how to release some of his anger. he doesn’t try to take a life, and so far there has been no need to. but if push comes to shove, he isn’t sure he’ll keep his clean record.

#myheroaccepted #myherofollow #child abuse tw #murder tw

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xpersonality · 5 years

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What are some different versions of the INFJ personality type?

INFJ's shadow side: darkness and anger

In the unlikely event you have betrayed an INFJ, cut deeply through their hearts then watch out - because nothing is more frightening than seeing one get their all. Afterall, Jesus was apparently an model INFJ. That's right. Beware the scorch. You get him angry and he'll go locust on your arse.

Of course, everything below is 'worst case under-developed' INFJ anger cases. It isn't what INFJ's do all the time. It is, extremely rare. Most have the patience of an iceberg waiting for hell to freeze over. Or a turn the other cheek style. But for those of you who want some insight into the darker, shadier side of an INFJ ...venture down below, i dare you. --- INFJ Anger style: The incorruptible ninja on a vendetta:

It means facing your fears and exposing the grittiness of your own human existence. Sound familiar INFJ? Okay, it sounds like martyr-dom and yes, it is. An INFJ knows ALL about martyrdom.

In extremely threatening cases, an INFJ can go all angry ninja style on anybody's arse. And i mean emotionally. They will cut you up and hang you out to dry. Emotionally. That is the key word here.

He we won't stop until he's wasted your emotional landscape, and neither will we. INFj's at their weakest or best can be like double edged swords, yes we can see deep into people's hearts, their motivations their good qualities, mirror their thoughts, actions and their desires to bring you relief or joy. INFJ's listen not only with their ears, but with their heart, they can process and nurture people's good qualities instinctively and mirror your what you want to hear. They are capable of forgiveness even of those with heinous crimes on their records, because yes - they know instinctively that everybody is human, all of us are interconnected and we all make mistakes, an INFJ has an uncanny ability to recognize that everybody is just a mirror of themselves. The best INFJ's carry a karmic awareness at all times.

However, INFJ's can also see through people's weaknesses, their motivations, their dark sides and their 'secrets' if you will, we watch carefully how they treat strangers with ill will, and notice if they treat their friends with kindness or if they are self serving. With that knowledge they back it up like a hard drive. They remember. How they use that information, is up to them. That choice, is what makes them grow or go backwards.

God forbid anybody come across an INFJ, hell or highwater because once you cross them - at best they will drop you like a hot pan and dissappear regardless of how long you've known them. At worst, be prepared for having all your insecurities and fears gutted and exposed. And they make sure you remember. They can dive deep into your heart to inspire you, but like that double edged sword they can cut straight into your heart with their words. They tell you the truth exactly as it is, whilst you are still grappling with the fact they knew how you felt all along, they expose all your ugliest motivations to air and for all to see. INFJ's are adept at understanding the language of the human heart and what it wants and needs on an intangible level. They are expert emotional anthropologists. They understand boundaries and will not tell people how you feel, what is on your mind. This is because they know this information is precious, of course... until the shit hits the fan so to speak and then, they reveal everything about you. The ugly you. Every. Ugly. Detail.

They get under your skin and let loose slowly and methodically (yep, there's that organization in action) anything they know about your weaknesses, everything they use turns it a kind of melodramatic piece of theatre relaying everything from your sexual indiscretions, faults, lack of listening skills and weaving it expertly by making sure every one of your emotional weaknesses are exploited. They hone in on your fears at the present moment and creatively exploit them for full effect, targeting fears, anxieties, guilt and expertly play them like a symphony. They understand the darkness in themselves and they recognize it in you.

Hell hath no fury like an INFJ scorned. Subtle, slow and insidioius is the scorned style of an INFJ. They can get creative with their scorn - they might have the dignity and coldness of a queen while they exploit your weaknesses. They personally tailor each and every remark for full emotional effect. They may tell you calmly and caustically why you cheated them and explain your insecurities in front of a large group of intimate friends whilst you sweat, hiding their motives behind dry wit and humour. They will adjust their level of scorn for whatever is appropriate for your character. If it's a quick, derisive comment or a long confession of your insecurities - they will know which button to press to get to your heart. If it's guilt they want to summon, they know what to say to make you feel it, they'll remember an event or a whisper of an insecurity you have and they will bring it up. They remember the nuances in your dialogue, your emotional landscape - they remember your weaknesses and in an organized (judging) manner, categorically shoot each and every one of them down till they are satisfied you have sated their need for justice.

The scariness (or genius) of an INFJ however lies in the fact that they know how to adjust the temperature of their perceived hurt so that the other person feels the full effect of their remarks. Just as they can easily take the emotional temperature of a room just by walking into it, they know that getting completely angry is ineffective. So they manage their delivery intuitively, depending on your character so that the recipient has no room to retaliate - an INFJ instincitively knows if they expose a certain insecurity in you and say something softly, it is more effective than going completely a-wohl. They skirt over your anger and any issues they know will completely provoke you to not listening at all. They want to expose the truth, come hell or high water and if that means you feel reduced to something like a small child - totally exposed and a little humiliated, so be it. They will broach the topic carefully, throw in a caustic remark - you might not be able to retaliate to because the topic for you is so personal. It is completely tactical. They want to expose you remember, so they think carefully about the delivery of a remark and it's intention before it comes out.

You know that secret you told them when you first met them with an open heart and open mind? If you've deeply betrayed them, they will remember it, bring it up and flippantly tell you they weren't really listening, and they didn't really care for it if that's what it takes to hurt you.

The purpose? The truth of course. The phrase, 'Shed light on your sorry ass', has never been more apt.

This is the darkness and shadow of an INFJ.

On one hand, the capacities described here can be unhealthy INFJ behavior. On the other hand, my perspective is that they aren't unhealthy when one is dealing with, say, an abuser or a sociopath.

I've only ever had to take one person down using my capacity to systematically uncover and tell them (that person) the truth about the ugly underneath their mask. My primary goal in that process was to stop the person from harming me. My secondary goal was to do everything I could to ensure that the person would be unable to harm others like me in the future.

I know I succeeded in the primary goal, and I do believe I also succeeded in the secondary one. I have no regrets about acting as I did. I think we should use these capacities if they are ever warranted. I hope that it is never warranted - but if/when the need does occur, IMO it's not necessarily a bad thing that we can be dangerous when truly crossed by people who do harm.

This doesn't have so much to do with any of this other then the shadow emerging in an INFJ discussion point. I've been wanting to share this song with PerCs for a while, and was waiting for the "appropriate" time. This obviously is not that time. But I'm sick of waiting, don't want to make a thread, and the shadow topic is sort of relevant, depending on how you choose to interpret Maynard's lyrics. Please enjoy. I hope you can see the dots I see connecting this all.

Excellent post, Kermi. I know this about myself. I hate the fact that I "gather information" on people like I do, and "back it up" like you said, but I do. That's why I have always worked on controlling my anger, because, if I get angry enough, and someone pushes me past the whole "glare at you, and become deathly quiet" phase, then I can destroy someone with words, and alienate that person that hurt me, or made me angry.

I do what I can to love people, but rather than backing up information (I do that anyways, just subconsciously) and using it against them I like to attack them on the mental level by asking questions (haven't had to yet). Why did you do that? Does it feel good to do that? To behave like that? Why do you feel the need to behave this way? Does it make you feel better than an animal? Does it honestly make you feel like a better human being? Don't you feel that you're better than that? Or are you better than that?

If there is a physical retaliation (haven't had one yet) I plan to do what I can to defend myself depending on how the situation is. If it is simply a fight, then I will only do surface damage, but if my life is threatened then I plan on doing damage, possibly internally.

I'm rarely confronted by people who were initially so honest after seeing me lash out. The person that usually confronts me tells me that I choose such harsh words, and that I succeed in helping them assume a feeling of lowliness, guilt, ugliness, or a whole list of other negative things. They usually seem to be saying this against their will or even in tears... I've just made the person miserable.

To be blunt: I recount and retell each and every last thing that was done and I highlight all the mistakes and disadvantages of such. Wether I use cursing, crude language, or any derogatory remark is irrelevant. The way I present what I say is made with as much coherence as I can use to arrange the information and the conclusion is just as painful to hear.

Some people get hurt more than others, but I don't think anybody wants to hear things like these... Sometimes somebody shows that they don't care if about what I'm saying when I'm lashing out and I can't really see it in their face or movement, but they were affected in a powerful and irreversible way, and the pattern of their behaviors towards me seems almost permanently altered. They will avoid me A LOT. They will hesitate to say things to me face to face but would rather say things behind my back. I got what I wished for: to be left alone; but it sucks!

I can't forget the times this happened. I can't forget who told me this, or who didn't tell me this but showed me how terrible what I've said was. I remember how they told me, and I remember sensing how their aura that radiated outward seems to be going inward instead.

This is why I'd much rather withdraw and leave when I'm angry.

Original notes:

The purpose? The truth of course. The phrase, 'Shed light on your sorry ass', has never been more apt.

This is the darkness and shadow of an INFJ.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Oh yes, I am familiar with this darkness all too well. Between a friend I had to leave for being too unstable and a sick INFJ mother, I've learned to actually train myself to deal with this hurt.

What these two have in common, for better or worse, is that almost nobody takes them seriously at this point. The fact of the matter is most INFJs dominated by their shadows are not well-liked people. Their destructive behavior will always be stopped sooner or later because nobody likes them. Well balanced and happy INFJs? Oh man, friends, lovers, and family like no other. Sick, shadow side ones? Disregarded by most people because they're often seen as irrational.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I've only ever truly raged out once and it was much more physical than this thread describes, but it was very much the same pouring tirade of caution-to-the-wind hate. I still count myself incredibly lucky that the man at whom it was directed wasn't where I thought he'd be because I don't know what I'd have done if I'd found him.

But I still think he'd have deserved it, so I have no idea if you'd call it unhealthy or not. I do know that a part of me takes pride in the show of aggression. I think that's something all INFJs have inside us, a beast-like desire to rip apart the things that hurt us. I think that's why we bring up topics like this. We're proud of the vicious parts of ourselves. We paint them as weakness, but see them see them as strength. And we want to show off that strength.

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thingspersephonetracks · 5 years

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Arbiter’s Report on the 1061 on Sol-3

Target Name: Ea

Known names and titles:

Adam Adam Malkovich Alan Krumweide Apollo Asriel Dreemurr (Serial Murderer) Bob Daly Ea-Nasir Ego Elon Enki Equality 7-2521 Flowey Freder Fredersen Harry Mason Ieshua/Joshua Jace Jared Shapiro Jesus Joker Kylo Ren Loki Lucifer Melek Taus, the Peacock God Neo Phaethon (see also Phaeton, destroyed planet) Prometheus Secret Original Serge Simon Shinji V Will

Anthem, page 102-105

"what is their number, for his is the right of man, and there is no right on earth above this right. And he stood on the threshold of the freedom for which the blood of the centuries behind him had been spilled.

But then he gave up all he had won, and fell lower than his savage beginning.

What brought it to pass? What disaster took their reason away from men? What whip lashed them to their knees in shame and submission? The worship of the word "We."

When men accepted that worship, the structure of centuries collapsed about them, the structure whose every beam had come from the thought of some one man, each in his day down the ages, from the depth of some one spirit, such spirit as existed but for its own sake. Those men who survived- those eager to obey, eager to live for one another, since they had nothing else to vindicate them- those men could neither carry on, nor preserve all they had received. Thus did all thought, all science, all wisdom perish on earth. Thus did men- men with nothing to offer save their great number- lose the steel towers, the flying ships, the power wires, all te things they had created and could never keep. Perhaps, later, some men had been born with the mind and the courage to recover these things which were lost; perhaps these men came before the Councils of Scholars. They were answered as I have been answered- and for the same reasons.

But I still wonder how it was possible, in those graceless years of transition, long ago, that men did not see whither they were going, and went on, in blindness and cowardice, to their fate. I wonder, for it is hard for me to conceive how men who knew the word "I," could give it up and not know what they lost. But such has been the story, for I have lived in the City of the damned, and I know what horror men permitted to be brought upon them.

Perhaps, in those days, there were a few among men, a few of clear sight and clean soul, who refused to surrender that word. What agony must have been theirs before that which they saw coming and could not stop! Perhaps they cried out in protest and in warning. But men paid no heed to their warning. And they, these few, fought a hopeless battle, and they perished with their banners smeared by their own blood. And they chose to perish, for they knew. To them, I send my salute across the centuries, and my pity.

Theirs is the banner in my hand. And I wish I had the power to tell them that the despair of their hearts was not to be final, and their night was no without hope. For the battle they lost can never be lost. For that which they died to save can never perish. Through all the darkness, through all the shame of which men are capable, the spirit of man will remain alive on this earth. It may sleep, but it will awaken. It may wear chains, but it will not break through. And man will go on. Man, not men.

Here, on this mountain, I and my sons and my chosen friends shall build our new land and our fort. And it will become as the heart of the earth, lost and hidden at first, but beating, beating louder each day. And word of it will reach every corner of the earth. And the roads of the world will become as veins which will carry the best of the world's blood to my threshold. And all my brothers, and the Councils of my brothers, will hear of it, but they will be impotent against me. And the day will come when I shall break all the chains of the earth, and raze the cities of the enslaved, and my home will become the capital of the world where each man will be free to exist for his own sake.

For the coming of that day shall I fight, I and my sons and my chosen friends. For the freedom of Man. For his rights. For his life. For his honor.

And here, over the portals of my fort, I shall cut in stone the word which is to be my beacon and my banner. The word which will not die, should we all perish in battle. The word which can never die on this earth, for it is the heart of it and the meaning and the glory.

The sacred word:

EGO"

Likely originates from the star system Vega; is either responsible for or intrinsic to militant vegans as a cover; Vega was the first star sequenced in detail during earth's exploration in the second millennium BCE, particularly by his father Gendo

Sees hostiles as monsters; e.g. Silent Hill, Dead Space; such depersonalization probably makes it easier to cause harm; Ea has shown sensitive sides on a number of occasions and likely needs such emotional distance in order to perform the extreme feats of routine violence it frequently does

Constantly seeks out romantic and/or domestic partners; has been observed to partake in sexual acts when required, but has demonstrated notable discomfort in doing so;

Obsessed with mother archetypes; the archetype they seem strongest bound to is that of Liberty; parasitically latches onto caregivers;

Emotional masochism creates a desire to be verbally and/or emotionally abused; attempts at such psychological manipulation should be avoided in lieu of causing actual physical or economic harm;

While its first mode is that of possession, if it finds itself incapable of possessing an object of its obsession, it immediately begins attempting to destroy it; denying it obsession objects may turn out to be a means of identification, based on its reaction;

Routinely emulates both sides of conflicts in order to give the illusion of diversity; known by the moniker "Free Will" it attempts to give the illusion of personal volition when convincing others to perform tasks that meet its own ends;

Has technologies capable of reorganizing search results and social media timelines, and uses them to isolate its enemies; has technologies capable of manipulating thoughts and actions of individuals; has technologies capable of seeing forward and back through time, and capable of altering the course of history; these are mundane actions to it and must be treated as mundane occurrences by any person dealing with it;

Frequently expresses savior complex; seems to particularly enjoy convincing others he is their savior while simultaneously harming them;

Sadistic and hostile in the extreme; seems to feed off of emotional energy, particularly fear and terror; frequently manipulates enemies in order to cause fear;

Younger incarnations vulnerable to cold; becomes Ice King further in the timeline;

When presented with deleterious information or acts, expresses gratitude to the person harming it, probably as a confusion defense mechanism;

Characterized by the epithet "Twelve Million Unique Visitors", expresses a high demand for recognition of individuality and uniqueness; likely vulnerable to conformity and uniformity; in the novel Anthem by Ayn Rand, Equality 7-2521 forcibly flees from the society he feels restricts him;

In Magic: the Gathering, the character Jace is described by the literature as a “fail-safe”; in the game Until Dawn, while under lockdown one of the characters freaks out, suggesting evidence of emotional instability under pressure;

Games made by Ea frequently feature large amounts of technology and/or weaponry, and plentiful ammunition and supplies; protagonists in such games generally move quickly and have high degrees of freedom of movement;

Is obsessed with control despite a complete inability to control itself;

When provoked, it first attempts to control the behavior of others; when it is incapable of controlling others' behavior, it resorts to controlling onlookers' opinions about others; when it is incapable of doing that, it tends to assimilate whatever traits of a target it can, presenting itself as the target and attempting to convince them of oneness while systematically destroying them;

Denying it agency is the most likely way to break it;

Tesla and LA Galaxy, their subsidiaries, and companies that provide them with materials and supplies should be the primary targets for economic sanctions;

Seems to constantly express a sense of lacking and wanting; such may be its greatest weakness; constantly seeking daughter/wife/etc; despite constantly seeking companionship, has demonstrated itself to be terrified of attachment;

Can be characterized by the concept of Envy, and its behavior has conformed to patterns of want>take; all attempts to reason with it have led to disregard and betrayal; it should be assumed that Enki is not capable of being reasoned with; it should be noted that when a group of deities plotted to betray humanity and wipe them out with a flood, he even betrayed his compatriot betrayers, having informed Utnapishtim of the circumstances;

It can be extrapolated with a reasonably high degree of certainty that Enki is Shinji Ikari, the NERV agent that was tasked with assaulting this arbiter.

There are a very large number of people who are utterly sick of his shit.

Anyway, here’s wonderwall.

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how-to-disable-your-text-blog · 7 years

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HtDYT Guide: Writing Borderline Characters

Hi all, Mod Amaranthe here with another guide. I only recently accepted that I am borderline and I don’t have some of the most notable traits of BPD, so I’m sorry if I miss something here.

What BPD is

Borderline personality disorder, also called emotionally unstable personality disorder, is…well, it’s a personality disorder, so I will describe what a personality disorder actually is. Personality disorders are inflexible patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving that are inherent parts of the people who experience them. Like with any mental illness, personality disorders have to cause significant distress and difficulty engaging with society in order to be diagnosable.

The borderline community is fairly split (ha; I’ll tell you why that is funny later) on whether or not “emotionally unstable personality disorder” is a respectful or even accurate label, so I’m going to stick with “borderline”. Whether or not borderline people use “borderline person”, “person with borderline/BPD”, or both mostly depends on the person, and I polled some of the Facebook groups for borderlines that I’m in and found out that most borderline people say “I have BPD” and “I’m borderline” interchangeably. (I am usually a fan of identity-first language. I might do a post on why later.)

What being borderline feels like

Being borderline feels like you don’t know who you are and everything around you has the potential to change, especially for the worse, at any time. Half the time you hear a friend or family member—especially someone you care about—sound disinterested, bored, or, powers that be help you, angry, you become paralytically terrified that they are going to leave you alone forever. You spend a lot of time desperate for others’ approval, seeking validation by any means necessary, because if you don’t have proof that you deserve to live, well, you deserve to die. You may feel like there’s nothing to you that doesn’t change; you can’t pick a career or a fashion style or a favorite genre of music. You find yourself imitating fictional characters or acting entirely different based on whom you’re interacting with. You might fill what feels like a vacuum where your soul should be with impulsively spending tons of money, getting high, or overeating.

I also wrote a song about how it feels to be borderline. I’m the enemy of my own mind. Always walking on the borderline. The void in my head has me paralyzed. Behind my eyes, there’s no one inside.

I paint my face up like a mask so you think there’s a person behind it. Don’t tell me about that time I cried it off, I don’t want to be reminded. There’s nothing you can do to me I haven’t done to myself. Don’t tell me I’m on my way there; I’m already in hell.

I’ll put you on a pedestal Then smash it and laugh at your funeral. Bathe myself in high-end perfume Or seal my wallet; who knows what I’ll do.

I’m the enemy of my own mind. Always walking on the borderline.

That is a fairly extreme version of what it’s like to be borderline. Some borderline people experience this kind of instability almost all the time, some just enough to cause a significant disruption in their life. I am led to believe that it doesn’t always suck this much. My borderline traits are exacerbated all to hell by my comorbid conditions.

Common borderline traits

Here is a long list of traits a borderline character might have or behaviors they might engage in:

-Fear of abandonment -Splitting (to be explained later) -Self-hatred/feelings of worthlessness, possibly suicidal ideation -Self-harm -Unstable sense of self/being easily influenced by other people’s ideas -Fear of the future -Frequently changing appearance, hobbies, and jobs -Constant feeling of being mistreated, misunderstood, or victimized -Unstable interpersonal relationships (neediness, mistrustfulness, anxiety in interpersonal matters) -Extreme perfectionism -Unusually intense emotions, especially rage; this usually happens in response to outside stimuli, not semi-randomly like bipolar or cyclothymia (I get deeply annoyed when people call borderline “bipolar lite”) -Underreacting when you’re not overreacting -Disordered eating patterns -Using sex as a coping mechanism/to prove to themselves that they’re desirable -“Favorite person” attachments (to be explained later) -Impulsive behavior, especially when it comes to spending money or doing dangerous activities -Substance addiction -Constant need for validation, especially proof of other people’s positive feelings about them (I literally forget that people care about me if they’re not actively demonstrating it; yes, it sucks) -Dissociation when under stress -Difficulty retaining information about people and events -Lack of awareness of how their actions may affect others -Crappy executive function, especially if you have no idea what your feelings are doing and have to spend all that time you should be spending cleaning the apartment wrestling with your brain -Dermatillomania or trichotillomania as a stress response

Favorite person attachments

A favorite person, or FP, is someone a borderline person is obsessed with. Borderline people may think their FP is better than everyone else. A borderline person would walk to hell and back for their FP (well, unless they’re splitting on their FP; more on splitting in the next section). Having an FP is also sometimes called “imprinting” on someone.

Having an FP is simultaneously the best and worst feeling. It’s the best feeling because when they smile at you or say they care about you, it’s like everything is right with the world and you feel amazing. But you’re also constantly afraid of your FP abandoning you, and if your FP isn’t actively demonstrating that they care about you, you are probably wringing your hands about how they probably actually hate you. You also may be jealous of or even hate the other people that your FP interacts with.

Another downside to having an FP is that, most of the time, a borderline person will forgive their FP even if their FP is seriously hurting or abusing them. Mentally ill people are more likely than mentally healthy people to experience abuse (and not more likely to be the abusers), and the borderline tendency to forgive your FP for anything is definitely a predisposition to experiencing abuse.

A borderline character may spend a lot of time thinking about their FP and seeking their approval, and even more time worrying that their FP hates them now. The fear of abandonment will get especially strong when the character reaches out to their FP and their FP doesn’t respond right away, e.g., if the character calls their FP and the FP doesn’t pick up. A borderline character may or may not have romantic feelings for their FP. A borderline character will also be also quick to passionately defend their FP to other characters.

Many borderline people form FP attachments, but not all.

Splitting

Splitting is best described as black-and-white thinking about people. To a borderline person, most other people are either perfect or completely terrible. When a borderline person says they’re “splitting on” someone, though, that usually refers to thinking that that person is The Worst. Borderline people can split on anyone, including their favorite person and themselves. (I spend most of my time splitting on myself, thinking I am The Worst and don’t deserve to continue breathing. It’s very irritating.) Splitting on someone ordinarily happens in response to something the target of splitting does; it isn’t random. Splitting on a favorite person often happens because that person has already been on a pedestal, and when the pedestal gets shattered, a portal to hell opens under it. (Yes, borderline people can either split on their FP over practically nothing or forgive them for abuse. You read that right.)

Splitting on a person and feeling like they are The Worst is often accompanied by feelings of intense rage and hatred. If a borderline person is splitting on their favorite person, there also may be feelings of betrayal. Splitting may often include fantasize about being angry and violent; these thoughts are usually cathartic and help the borderline person calm down without actually lashing out. (Borderline people split; assholes lash out. Sometimes assholes are borderline, but not all borderline people are assholes, and BPD does not turn someone into an asshole.)

When a borderline character splits on someone, don’t write about them acting on their feelings of anger and hatred. Keep it in their head. As I said above, splitting is a borderline trait; assholery is not. If a borderline character’s splitting-related thoughts extend to violence, make sure to clarify that the character would never actually act on these thoughts. They may also feel guilty after the splitting goes away (I know I do). A character will probably only be splitting on someone for one scene; it doesn’t last long. If a character is not splitting in the “I hate you now” sense at the moment, they still are likely to categorize other people as “overall great” and “overall terrible”.

Splitting is a very common borderline trait, but not all borderline people split.

Self-harm

This isn’t exclusive to borderline people, of course, but self-harm isn’t just white high school cis girls cutting their wrists with scissors. Self-harm can take the form of cutting, of course, but here are other forms of self-harm:

-depriving oneself of food or other necessary things like medication -unsafe participation in extreme sports -scalding/burning oneself -banging or hitting body parts -ingestion of toxic substances

A borderline person may self-harm when they are splitting on themselves or otherwise suffering from feelings of self-hatred.

Unstable sense of self and relationships

This has already been touched on a little bit in the list of common borderline traits, but it’s likely to come up when writing a borderline character, so I will go into more detail.

A borderline character with unstable sense of self may have a good amount of trouble deciding what they want to do with their life. They may job-hop or have a hell of a time deciding what they want to study in college, vocational school, or whatever equivalent of tertiary school exists in your setting. A borderline character may throw themselves wholeheartedly into new studies or career paths, love it at first, and then rather suddenly find themselves disliking it. They probably also get varied results on personality tests and those aptitude tests that are meant to help people decide what career to pursue.

Another thing I mentioned earlier that a borderline character might do is change their appearance. Your borderline character may go through many different hair colors and styles and have a giant wardrobe because they rapidly cycle through fashion phases. Characters with facial hair may do many different things with it. When writing this kind of behavior, it’s good to point out that the character isn’t doing it just for the sake of trying new things, but they feel like their new look is an accurate reflection of how they’re feeling.

A borderline person may also frequently change their political stances, religious beliefs, diet, taste in music, etc. These changes may be influenced by the people they are spending time with, but not necessarily. But your borderline character may go through a lot of changes. Expect criticism of your character being inconsistent from people who don’t get it.

Unfortunately, the unstable sense of self in a borderline person can result in them being taken advantage of, because shady and manipulative people might see how a borderline person is easily influenced. (Said shady and manipulative person doesn’t have to be an FP.) A borderline character might end up spending most of their time with someone who is controlling and isolating them. What I’m saying here is that borderline people are susceptible to being abused because of our unstable senses of self. Because of that tendency, we may have unstable relationships with people who hurt us but we aren’t secure enough to permanently leave.

On a slightly less depressing note, unstable sense of self can also result in a borderline character frequently changing the crowds they hang out with because they feel like they have less in common with their former friends. This can also happen with romantic and sexual relationships and QPs, and even with the borderline character’s FP. The people a borderline character interacts with may point out this behavior or how different they seem/how frequently their likes and dislikes change.

What to avoid

When referring to borderline people, avoid saying “borderlines”. That’s kind of like saying “the gays”. Also, it’s language that people who are actively engaged in perpetuating saneism use. The safest language to use when discussing a borderline character is to say “person with BPD”, since borderline people who are okay with using identity-first language for ourselves may not like someone else referring to us as such, and few borderline people object to “person with BPD”.

Don’t write criminals with BPD if you aren’t borderline yourself. I’m writing a story about a vigilante who kills rapists and whose identity is so subsumed by her vigilante/superhero identity because she is borderline and had an extremely unstable identity to begin with. But I can do that because since I’m borderline, I have the knowledge and experience required to separate the character’s disorder from her actions.

Don’t write about “toxic borderlines” or how being borderline affects how an abusive or toxic person acts. Do personality disorders affect pretty much everything about how a person with a PD acts? Yes. Should people without the disorder in question write about that in terms of abuse? NOOOOOOOOO. (This is especially relevant to NPD—the idea of “n*rc*ss*st*c abuse” is an extremely ableist one that floats around abuse survivor circles and drives my abuse survivor cluster B ass up the wall—but BPD gets that kind of crap too.) If you write a borderline character that ends up accidentally hurting someone, you should 1) have them understand what they’ve done wrong, apologize, and not do it again and 2) get a sensitivity reader to make sure you’re doing that right.

Final notes

There’s a lot of diversity among borderline people. There’s no one right way to write a borderline character. However, there are a lot of wrong ways, and since borderline is so ridiculously stigmatized, I would be tempted to suggest that anyone who isn’t borderline and wants to write a borderline character get a sensitivity reader.

*crickets* Erm…yeah, that’s all I have.

-Mod Amaranthe

#Mod Amaranthe #HtDYT #HtDYT guide #borderline personality disorder #BPD #actually borderline #long post #self harm tw

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zamrockbilly-blog · 7 years

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NAME:Lorenzo Enzo Michelangelo de Angelis

SEXUAL PREFERENCE: pansexual-Pansexuality, or omnisexuality, is the sexual attraction, romantic love, or emotional attraction toward people regardless of their sex or gender identity. Pansexual people may refer to themselves as gender-blind, asserting that gender and sex are insignificant or irrelevant in determining whether they will be sexually attracted to others.[4][5] Pansexuality may be considered a sexual orientation in its own right or a branch of bisexuality, to indicate an alternative sexual identityBecause pansexual people are open to relationships with people who do not identify as strictly men or women, and pansexuality therefore rejects the gender binary, it is often considered a more inclusive term than bisexual. To what extent the term bisexual is inclusive when compared to the term pansexual is debated within the LGBT community, especially the bisexual community “Whoever said I was gay? What is gay anyway?

BIRTHDATE:october 31st 1990 AGE: Note in some verses such as the movie verse and in Enzo's ghost verse he will be twenty five because that's how old he was in the movie and book and I won't have him age. Thank you.Twenty-six verse dependent GENDER: Male HOROSCOPE: Scorpio R/S STATUS: Note in some verses the movie verse and the Single verse dependent taken in other verses dating Hayley st claire in canon verse and Jack St Claire in a canon verse. HOMETOWN:Texas LOCATION:LA verse dependent OCCUPATION: Guitarist, singer in the band Plush. Director, songwriter, composer and producer and serial killer verse dependent HOBBIES: Crashing yoga classes, singing, song writing, dancing, spending time with his mother,making movies with his father's old Bolex, repearing old toys and vintage musical instruments. PAST OCCUPATION: Drug dealer DOMINATE HAND: Left Hand he’s right handed. He is ambidextrous his left hand is his guitar playing hand. WEAPON: Enzo carries around with him a bowie knife that his mother gave him when he was younger to protect him from the kids at school that wanted to bully him. RELIGION:Catholic, but he stopped going to church when he got older. LEVEL OF EDUCATION:: Highschool INSTRUMENTS.: Guitar, Piano, Voice, violin. He is self taught in piano his mother had a piano and he taught himself how to play when his father wasn’t home. Just like with the guitar his mother gave him a guitar when he was punished by his father and locked in the basement because he didn’t want to play sports and do what his father wanted him to do and act how the man wanted him to act. FACE CLAIM :Xavier Samuel verse dependent|Christopher Craven HEIGHT:5 ft 10 inches WORD: Fuck WISHES:: To be loved Back by his soul mate. SECRETS:Enzo caused his father’s car to go off a ridge by taking his bowie knife and cutting the brake lines of his father’s car after a fight they had. He has his father's old shoes to remember him by. His older sister isn’t really married with two kids and living in New York she’s dead. Enzo tortured and murdered her for a video he was working on with his father’s Bolex. He kept her shoes and her hand to remember her by. Jack St Claire was murdered by Enzo, who injected his former lover with heroin one night after a plush concert. Enzo killed him because Jack didn’t love him back the way he loved him. He after the other’s death joined the band taking the guitarists place. He murdered Claire a girl in his school who told everyone that Enzo after playing a game of seven minutes in heaven in a locked closet freaked out and was banging on the closet to be let out. So after getting kicked out of school at sixteen Enzo who is now seventeen found her at a party and he lied to her and told her that he was going to give her free drugs if she goes with him to this old house in town and she said yes and he tortured and killed her just like the Texas Debutant killer did with those he killed. Enzo kept a lock of her hair to remember her by with the article about her death. He waited until he was ready to kill her. The issue happened when they were in school together and he was sixteen. KINKS/FETISHES: Bondage, Handcuffs, Knife Play, hair pulling, dressing up, Blood Play, tattoos, Branding and more. >

PERSONALITY: Caring, protective, Friendly, Loving, the protector type,Gifted,Idealistic, Innocent, Headstrong — someone who is energetically wilful and determined. This means the character is very strong-willed and if they want something, they won’t let anyone stand in their way. Negative traits: Secretive, Immature, Violent, dishonest, Jealous, unsympathetic,Sadistic, Obsessive, Controlling, Bold,Lustful,Liar, Manipulative, Covetous — someone who is has a great need to have something they can’t have. This is similar to jealousy except someone who is covetous will do whatever it takes to get what they want, whereas a jealous person just envies the other. Envious - Showing extreme cupidity; painfully desirous of another’s advantages; covetous, jealous, Immature - Emotionally undeveloped; juvenile; childish.troubled [ beset by problems or conflict ], vulnerable [ susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm ], dependent [ a person who relies on another ],, manipulative [ characterized by unscrupulous control of a situation or person ] Lewd - Inclined to, characterized by, or inciting to lust or lechery; lascivious. Obscene or indecent, as language or songs; salacious. Liar - Compulsively and purposefully tells false truths more often than not. A person who has lied or who lies repeatedly. Lustful - Driven by lust; preoccupied with or exhibiting lustful desires. Masochist - The deriving of sexual gratification, or the tendency to derive sexual gratification, from being physically or emotionally abused. A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences. Abusive - Characterized by improper infliction of physical or psychological maltreatment towards another. Addict - One who is addicted to a compulsive activity. Examples: gambling, drugs, sex LUCKY NUMBER: 13 FOOD:: Anything his mother cooks. : DRINK: Irish gin COLORS:Black,Red,blue-Just like his nails are painted. INSTRUMENT: His bass guitar that was given to him by his mother when he was a teenager and his father used to punish him and lock him in the basement. Occupation: Rock star verse dependent ANIMAL: Volture HOLIDAY: Halloween WEATHER: Cold weather SEASON: Winter BAND/GROUP: Plush SONG: Head Like a hole, Any song from Plush anything off their older records. MOVIE/FILM: Howls Moving Castle QUOTE: It’s so universal Pain, pleasure, light, darkness. In order to create, you have to embrace the dark side.” Number:13 PERSON : His mother

( &&. SKILLS) TALENTS : Repairing old toys, vintage microphones and vintage musical instruments. Enzo can put out a cigarette with his tongue. When he was nineteen he was at a party and he wanted to get attention from the other guests at the party. So he said to them look what I can do and he took his cigarette and he put it out on his tongue and he threw it down stepping on it with his boot heel. One of the guests asked him if it hurt when he did that. Enzo said no it didn’t and he started laughing like a madman after the person asked him about what he did with putting out his cigarette on his tongue. Enzo fears: Enzo fears not being loved by someone. Being without his mother. not having the person that he loves love him back the way he loves them. Just like it was with Jack and his sister and father. Enzo knows that he can make someone love him the way he should be loved by them Fear headcanon: closets Dark places Enzo has a lot of fears from when he’s a child such as being locked in a closet and being locked in a dark basement thanks to his father always punishing him and locking him in a closet or in a basement when he was a little boy until he became a teenager.Enzo would hear the sound of the birds chirping outside as he got older he hated being locked in small spaces and he would freak out all the time and have flashbacks of his abuse and of being that boy in the closet that his father would abuse all the time. That lasted for hours until the man let his son out of the closet or his mother would by taking, the key and letting him out so he could get something to eat. When he turned sixteen Enzo was at a party and he was asked to play seven minutes in heaven with this girl the same girl that he killed at that party when he turned seventeen Claire. The boy started kicking and screaming to be let out of the closet and the girl started laughing at him and telling him that she is going to tell everyone about his freakout the next day at school and he will never be able to live it down and Enzo wasn’t about to let that happen. Finally, he got let out of the closet and the boy left the party and he came home and he told his mother what happened at the party and about what the girl did to him and she is the only person that knows about his fear of closets outside of the kids at school and at the party. The next day at school Enzo was teased by everyone in his class and he cut class and he made a vow to never ever show his fear of closets and small spaces ever again to anyone because they might use it against him. About enzo’s tattoos : Enzo has on his lower back Hayley and jack forever and he got it to celebrate the bands second album. The photos were on the bands website Enzo wanted to prove his devotion to the band by getting the tattoo of Hayley and Jack but it was another part of his plan that only made Jack think that he was weird for having that tattoo on his lower back. THE SECOND TATTOO was on his right arm black dots going up and down them hiding track marks from years of herion use. He got the tattoo when he turned twenty to hide the needle marks on his arm. But he still shoots up in other areas never in the place where he got his tattoo. He would shoot up in that arm all the time. His father saw the marks in his arms and he asked him about it. Enzo got into a fight with his father and he left home for a few days to escape and he got high to numb the pain. He had always loved tattoos and he plans on getting something else soon when he has the time. The only thing his father ever gave him was an old bolex and scars. It’s so universal pain pleasure, light,darkness. in order to create, you have to embrace the dark side [ Bold which is most applicable to your muse between the two options! ] Book smarts OR Street smarts Extroverted Sensible OR Imaginative Brave OR Foolhardy Family OR Friends Wrath OR Greed Sunrise OR Sunset Indoors OR Outdoors Night owl OR Early bird Technology OR Old fashioned Left-handed OR Right-handed < ( &&. Firsts) Childhood memory : When Enzo was six years old his parents were fighting and the boy was playing with his sister’s dolls in his room and his father walked into his sister’s bedroom and he beat the boy for acting too girly and Enzo will never forget that for as long as he should live. Crush : Jack St Claire JOB : Drug Dealer KISS: Jack St Claire from the band Plush. LOVE : Jack St Claire SEXUAL EXPERIENCE : Jack St Claire even though it wasn’t his first time. ( &&. THIS OR THAT) EXPENSIVE OR INEXPENSIVE TASTES?: Expensive HYGIENIC OR UNHYGIENIC? : Hygienic OPEN-MINDED OR CLOSE-MINDED? : Open-minded INTROVERT OR EXTROVERT? : Introvert OPTIMISTIC OR PESSIMISTIC?:Optimistic DAREDEVIL OR CAUTIOUS? : Daredevil LOGICAL OR EMOTIONAL? : emotional GENEROUS OR STINGY? : Generous POLITE OR RUDE?: Polite and rude BOOK SMART OR STREET SMART? :Street smart DOMINANT OR SUBMISSIVE? : Dominant and submissive POPULAR OR LONER?: Popular and Loner DAY OR NIGHT PERSON?: Night person CAT OR DOG PERSON?: both Closet door open or closed while sleeping?> : Closet door open ( ( &&. Miscellaneous) Do they have a fake I.D.?: yes Are they a virgin?: No Do they travel? Yes One place they would like to live: Anywhere with the person that he loves BROKEN A BONE | GOTTEN STITCHES | HAD A NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE | KILLED SOMEONE | tried and failed to kill someone | invented something | BEEN HUNG OVER | KISSED SOMEONE | SLOW-DANCED | BEEN IN A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP | HAD SEX | HAD SEX AND REGRETTED IT | HAD A ONE-NIGHT STAND | HAD A THREESOME | EXPERIMENTED WITH THEIR SEXUALITY | had a kid | gotten married | SELF-HARMED | TRAVELED TO ANOTHER COUNTRY | been in a play | RECEIVED AN INHERITANCE | been the cause of a car wreck | LOST A LOVED ONE | BEEN DUMPED | dumped someone | SMOKED | GOTTEN HIGH | BEEN SLIPPED SOMETHING IN THEIR FOOD/DRINK | WON A CONTEST BEEN IN A BAND | HAD A JOB | been fired | been in a wedding party | OWNED A PET | SEEN A GHOST | SKIPPED CLASS/WORK | LEARNED AN INSTRUMENT | GOTTEN A NOTICEABLE SCAR | gONE MORE THAN ONE DAY WITHOUT EATING | HAD A RECURRING NIGHTMARE | BEEN BULLIED || SEEN SOMEONE DIE | attempted suicide | been tied/chained up | shot someone | STABBED SOMEONE | saved someone’s life | BEEN CHEATED ON | HAD BEEN A STALKER | BEEN BETRAYED| BEEN IN A FIGHT | BEEN ARRESTED | BEEN TO A FUNERAL | HAD SURGERY | BROKEN SOMEONE’S TRUST || GOTTEN A TATTOO | USED A FAKE NAME | BEEN TORTURED | TORTURED OTHERS | BEEN ABUSED HAD AN ATTEMPT ON THEIR LIFE | GOTTEN AWAY WITH A CRIME | GONE ON A ROAD TRIP | BEEN IN LOVE cross off the things you've done [ ic ] Graduated high school. Kissed someone. Collected something really silly. Smoked a cigarette. Got so drunk you passed out. Rode every ride at an amusement park. Gone to a rock concert. Helped someone. Watched four movies in one night. Gone long periods of time without sleep. Lied to someone. Snorted cocaine. Failed a class. Smoked weed. Dealt drugs. Been in a car accident. Been to a funeral. Burned yourself. Cried yourself to sleep. Spent over $200 in one day. Flown on a plane. Been cheated on. Written a 10 page letter. Had a best friend. Lost someone you loved. Shoplifted something. Dangerously close to being in jail. Skipped school. Had detention. Got in trouble for something you didn’t do. Stolen books from the library. Gone to a different country. Dropped out of school. Watched the “Harry Potter” movies. Had an online diary. Been fired from a job. Voted for someone on a reality TV show. Written poetry. Read more than 20 books a year. Gone to Europe. Loved someone you shouldn’t have. Used a coloring book over age 12. Had surgery. Had stitches. Taken a taxi. Seen the Washington Monument. Overdosed. Had a drug or alcohol problem. Been in a fist fight. Suffered any form of abuse. Gone surfing in California. Had a hamster/guinea pig. Pet a wild animal. Dyed your hair. Got a tattoo. Made-out with someone. Snuck out of the house. Swore at a teacher. Dated someone. Been on the TV. French braided. Skinny-dipped. Driven a car. Performed in front of an audience. Been in love. Been on a train. Seen a ghost. Been to Mexico. Crashed a car. Sky dived. Been kissed in the rain. Made an 11:11 wish. Drank alcohol. Forwarded a chain letter. what do you prefer? Autumn winter? astrology or astronomy? romance or horror? halloween or christmas? ocean or sky? mermaids? dolphins or sharks? dawn or dusk? sunsetorsunrise? fireplace? hot chocolate or hot tea? black coffee or coffee with creamer? strawberries or blueberries? lemons ororanges? apples or peaches? What has been their greatest achievement?:When Enzo joined the band Plush after the death of guitarist Jack St Claire. Ending up like his father, Not being loved. Being locked in a closet or basement in the dark. WHAT IS YOUR ARCHETYPE? from here. repost, don’t reblog! your archetype is the warrior. traits: purposeful, adaptable, loyal, agressive, mindful, decisive, skillful, isolated, destroyerthe warrior is most commonly used to symbolize the victory of a war. raised in the image of their trainer, and at most times, their parental figure, the connection that is fundamental in building relationships is extremely weak. although warriors find it difficult to trust, once they do, it is a bind that lasts until death. while warriors are fiercely loyal, they are extremely wary of strangers. their greatest wish is to be credited in their achievements, and they tend to isolate themselves if they aren’t validated, taking things personally. warriors tend to things for the greater good, and destroy to protect.fictional characters that are warriors: arya stark, indianajones, lisbethsalander, siriusblackother personality types that go with this: athena, ares, achilles, wampus Golden Compass Daemon Test Social Joker Soul You an an extroverted, playful and confident sort of person. You seek out excitement, and you love to be right in the thick of things. You are enthusiastic, garrulous, and you love to attend large social gatherings. You love to laugh. If you spend too much time at home, away from friends and fun, you tend to "fade", becoming tired and a little depressed. A fun night out with your friends soon re-energizes you, though. You make friends easily, and you probably jump between several groups of people. You probably have a group of friends for every need - the friends you drink with, the friends you jam with, the friends you talk with about the meaning of life... You blend in with each group of people, showing your sensitive side when you are with certain friends, and hiding it from others. You love to meet new people, and to make new friends. However, you are not a slave to popularity. You will speak your mind to defend yourself or one of your friends if necessary. You are no shrinking violet, and you are more than capable of fighting your way out of a tight corner. That being said, your confidence and your enthusiasm for fun can sometimes lead to your making thoughtless comments which hurt or insult people. These people, however, are probably over-sensitive squares who don't appreciate your sense of humour. You don't have much time for people like that, anyway. Your daemon's form would represent your social, playful, yet honest personality. He or she would probably urge you to create further mayhem, or would make snide comments in your ear about the people you meet on a daily basis. Suggested forms: Toucan, Crow, Macaque or Bonobo, African Wild Dog, Macaw. Enzo's favorite colors are red,blue,black and white YOUR CHARACTER: IN 5 QUOTES. tell us your favorite quotes from your character. give us an idea of who they are by five things they’ve said. then tag your friends. ❝ NOPE! Not my fucking sister. She was a daddy’s girl and he gave her EVERYTHING she wanted. And I mean EVERYTHING. Dance classes, private vocal coach, any clothes she dreamed up. She was nothing like your brother. At least you guys had each other. You were a team ❞ ❝I had to I loved Jack, but Jack didn’t love me back. Not like you did Not like you did !.❞ ❝Who ever said I was gay? What is gay anyway?❞ ❝ “I heard him yelling at you. And NO ONE fucks with my Hayley. My soul mate. My love. Mother of our future genius-child… Hayley, he doesn’t get you. You and I aren’t meant for people like that.” ❞ ❝ Dad was super alpha male and tried to beat the weirdness out of me. Wanted a jock, you know, a real man. .❞

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familycourtcorruption · 4 years

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DivorcedMoms Top 10 Divorce Articles From 2019

We’ve rounded up DivorcedMoms top 10 divorce articles from the year, with expert advice on narcissism, psychological abuse, divorce and teens, the family court system and more.

What kind of divorce resources are you interested in? If we’ve not covered it here, leave a comment and let us know.

DivorcedMoms Top 10 Divorce Articles From 2019

1. What can you expect from a narcissist during a relationship?

A lot of heartache! In other words, if it ‘s respect, consideration for your feelings and needs you desire, it’s best to keep your expectations low.

“While you may not be physically hit or physically abused in a relationship with a narcissist, your heart will be broken 10,000 times. Even if you think you are a “strong” person and can handle it; your strength is not really strength, but rather, denial.

“The following list is not exhaustive, but it is informative. If you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist you’ll recognize them all. If you’re presently in a relationship with a narcissist, buckle up because you’ll eventually experience them all.”

Read the full article here and dive deeper into our resources on narcissism and personality disorders here.

2. Teens often refuse to visit a father during visitation, what should you do?

There are many teens who have difficult relationships with a father. There are also teens who have friends, an active social life and better things to do than hang with parents. If you’re faced with a teen who doesn’t want to spend time with their father, what you do would be based on the situation.

“Michael and Jennifer have been amicably divorced for six years. They have three children ages 6-14. As outlined in their final decree of divorce they split custody of the children on a 60/40 basis. The children are with Jennifer 60% of the time, with Michael, 40% of the time.

“Until recently this arrangement worked well for both the parents and children. Jennifer worked weekends as a Registered Nurse and felt secure knowing her children were with their father and well cared for.

“Michael traveled with his job during the week and worried less about his children knowing they were safe and sound with their mother. The children benefited from the quantity and quality of time with both parents.

“Problems started when their oldest child became a teenager. Craig turned 14 and became less and less interested in spending Friday through Sunday night with his father.”

Read the full article here and the rest of our resources on teens and divorce here.

3. Family courts are ill equipped to protect women during and after a high conflict divorce.

Not only women but women’s children. Women deal with lawyers, judges, therapists, and court-appointed experts who are less than knowledgeable when it comes to the damage an ex with a personality disorder can cause.

“My divorce was tame compared to some. There were no domestic abuse issues, no custody battle issues; we went our separate ways with no physical harm done. I can’t say the same about emotional harm but, as I learned the Family Court System is ill-equipped to handle the conflict created when a man has a personality disorder or is hell-bent on using the system to punish their ex.

“As a matter of fact, it is my opinion the Family Court System is ill-equipped to protect anyone whose divorce is high conflict. Judges, Attorneys, Psychologists, and other court-appointed personnel EXPECT divorce to be one size fits all and when it isn’t lack the skills to support civility. What you get are platitudes and an attitude that if you are engaged with an ex who creates conflict you must be playing a role in the conflict also.”

Read the full article here and check out our resources on high conflict divorce here.

4. If you’re divorcing a narcissist, you’ll want to get ready for the reality of co-parenting with a narcissist.

Narcissists don’t’ co-parent, they counter-parent. Even if it’s in the best interest of their children, they will thwart your desires every step of the way.

“Co-parenting with a narcissist is like being the tin man from the wizard of oz, having motion sickness, on the downward spiral of a roller coaster, with a loose harness, after eating ice cream and 5 corn dogs – doing the tango with a peg leg and an eye patch all the while sewing back together and re-stuffing down feathered pillows your dog chewed up and scattered throughout the back forty – it’s freaking difficult!!”

Read the full article here and other resources about children and co-parenting here.

5. Fathers have a right to equal parenting time. The problem is most don’t follow through with their desire for equal parenting time.

We all hear about how the courts are biased against fathers when it comes to child custody. Men, especially hear such nonsense from men’s rights groups. When you go into court believing the deck is stacked against you, you’re less likely to fight for what you want.

“Before and during the divorce process each parent has the same legal right to custody of a child. Mothers and fathers are on legal standing until one or the other gives up or is denied full custody rights.

“What does this mean? It is complicated! Even more complicated if you don’t know your state’s child custody laws. Bottom line, until you have signed a custody agreement or a judge has handed down a custody opinion, each parent has the same legal rights when it comes to where a child lives, who the child lives with and anything regarding the child.

“I’ve found that most fathers do not have a clear understanding of their legal divorce rights where the children are involved. “

Read the full article here and check out our resources on child custody here.

6. What does more damage to relationships than codependency? Not much. Here’s our tongue-in-cheek look at codependency.

I’m codependent no more! You’re codependent no more! Oh wait, I see some drama over there that requires my attention.

“According to Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More, “As professionals began to understand codependency better, more groups of people seem to have it. Adult children of alcoholics, people in relationships with emotionally disturbed people, people in relationships with irresponsible people and people in relationships with abusive people.”

“Basically, a codependent is a person who gives more in a relationship than they get and holds onto the hope that their partner will change. Codependents enable, make excuses and make the relationship problems worse due to their inability to care more for themselves than they do their relationship partner or, the relationship.”

Read the full article here and take a look at our other resources on codependency here.

7. Defiance of court orders by men; it happens often but what’s done about it?

My ex defied every aspect of our final divorce decree. EVERY ASPECT. It’s common practice for some men to be defiant and not believe orders handed down by the court apply to them. So, what happens to them? In my case, nothing. He got away with it over and over again.

“Over the years, I’ve spoken to many women whose ex-husbands were defying divorce court orders to pay child support. What most of them have learned when they take their ex back to court for contempt is that judges rarely throw a deadbeat in jail. They threaten to do so, but in my opinion, it isn’t often that a judge will follow through on a threat.

“Not enforcing a court order undermines a woman’s ability to care for her children. For some reason though, a judge seems more concerned with how being jailed will negatively affect a deadbeat father. It isn’t only child support orders that aren’t enforced — in the Family Court System, it’s any order.”

Read the full article here and our resources on divorce and an irrational ex here.

8. Narcissists are emotional and psychologically abusive. If married and divorced one, you’ll spend time wondering why.

Why do they do the damaging things they do? That’s what I wondered and spent time researching when my ex and I went through a divorce. All we want is understanding but, does understanding help?

“If we’ve been hurt by someone we love it’s only natural to want to find understanding in what happened. We believe that if we can only understand our pain will lessen.

“So, whether you’re a therapist, researcher or victim, there is an interest in knowing why the narcissist emotionally and psychologically abuses.

“There are many theories. Probably as many theories about why the narcissist is narcissistic as there are people wondering why.”

Read the full article here and our resources on healing from narcissistic abuse here.

9. Psychologically abusive relationships rob you of your ability to trust in yourself to make proper choices and have faith in yourself.

Gaslighting, belittling, demeaning, undermining are just a few tactics used by a psychological abuser. When you’ve been on the receiving end of those tactics for years it only makes sense that you’ll lose faith in your ability to make choices that are in your best interest.

“Many assume it is simply the idea of breaking up a family that keeps us in the cycle of abuse. But I am here to say … no… that is not what made me stay.

“Forgive me as my ability to express myself in writing has never been my strong suit… but here goes.

“We stay because we have been controlled and manipulated to believe that we have no other viable options. There are often elements of financial control among a lot of other seemingly simple reasons that keep us in “it”. But they are not simple…not simple at all.

“I can only speak on my own behalf here, but I suspect that others will be able to relate on some level.”

Read the full article here and learn more from our resources on psychological and emotional abuse here.

10. Everyone’s story is different but when dealing with a narcissist, you can bet they all include damage done to children.

Narcissistic fathers discount the damage they do to their children during and after divorce. They view their children, not as an extension of themselves but as pawns to be used in their fight for control over a woman they feel stands in their way of having total control. If you’ve divorced a narcissist, you’re familiar with the damage they do to children.

“There is nothing more heart wrenching than having no recourse against someone who is doing grave emotional harm to your children. If a stranger had done what their father did, I would have had recourse. But, since it was their father, the family court system turned a blind eye to his behavior.

“It started from the beginning, the very beginning before I even knew there would be a divorce.

“I’m sharing this information in bullet points in order to keep my thoughts straight and not running together. We’ve been divorced for nearly 2 decades, there is no way I can share the entire story but, these are issues I remember as being the most damaging.”

Read the full article here and more about Maddie Grace here.

The post DivorcedMoms Top 10 Divorce Articles From 2019 appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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#Family Court

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psychotherapyconsultants · 6 years

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How Do We Assure the Children?

If polled, most parents would say it was their primary job to protect their children from harm. “Look both ways before you cross the street.” “Don’t touch a hot stove.” “Don’t go off with a stranger.” These are common instructions offered from adults to young ones.

Responsible parents keep a watchful eye on those in their care. Until the past decade or so, that was sufficient. In recent years, a feeling of helplessness has overcome some. Sending your child to school in the morning didn’t fit into the worry category. In the wake of the most recent school shooting at the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida on February 14, 2018, it has become a present fear and a reminder that certain occurrences are beyond a parent’s control.

When shots rang out that Valentine’s Day afternoon, students were completing a day that ironically began with an affirmation, “Life supports me in every way possible.”

A series of disturbing pieces of information were revealed about the shooter, Nikolas Cruz who had been expelled from the school. It painted a picture of an emotionally disturbed young man whose adopted parents had died, and he was taken in by family friends who say they had no idea he was planning the demise of so many people. He was obsessed with guns and posted photos of himself on social media. He allegedly abused his former girlfriend and tormented animals. Rumors were that he was part of a militia/white supremacist group. The FBI had been aware of his postings, and he was still able to legally purchase as firearm known as an AR-15.

It was considered one of the top 10 deadliest mass shootings in recent history, including Sandy Hook, Las Vegas and Columbine. Sadly, many have become inured to the effects of regular reports of violence that can occur anytime, anywhere in the world.

An admission here: I am not a gun enthusiast. I have never held one, nor do I plan to. I have never lived with anyone who owned guns. I have a few friends who are responsible gun owners. One, who is a gun safety trainer, is my source for accurate, albeit, paradigm stretching information. When we have conversations, they are food for thought. He considers himself politically liberal and has attended all kinds of peace-related events, rallies and marches, so not everyone who carries a gun, carries right wing views.

I have a visceral response to the topic, so writing about this deadly attack has been challenging. Even though what happens anywhere in the world ultimately impacts all of us, this is personal since my daughter-in-law is a teacher and I see many clients in my counseling practice who are students K-12.

My friend shared this bit of weaponry wisdom that is taught to those who take training.

The Gun Safety Rules Are:

All guns are always loaded. (meaning, assume they are)

Never let the muzzle cover anything you are not willing to destroy.

Keep your finger off the trigger until your sights are on the target.

Be sure of your target and what is beyond it.

This tragedy is complex and multi-layered. To explain to children what happened takes fortitude and self-examination that may feel like more than most parents have the training to express. How can you be a calm source of comfort for children in your life who question how this could have happened? Some ideas that can be of assistance.

Ask yourself about your stance on guns. Do you own them? If so, are they safely sequestered? What is the purpose of gun ownership in your case? How do you educate your children about their safe use?

What are your thoughts about gun violence and how it impacts on children?

What are your thoughts about mental illness and gun ownership? Statistically, more people with mental health diagnoses are victims of violence than they are perpetrators.

Do you consider gun violence a public health crisis? The Centers for Disease Control advocates for that perspective.

What do you teach your children about healthy expression of emotion? Anger is a normal human emotion that can be used as either a tool for positive change or a weapon for emotional or physical threat.

How about the idea, “If you see something, say something”? If your child is aware of threats made, even seemingly in jest, they are to be taken seriously. If someone posts photos or words that indicate a desire to do harm, it is important to tell a trusted adult. Second guessing is no comfort when lives are in the balance.

Does your child isolate or reach out to socialize with others? Are they aware of other children who are ostracized or bullied? Are they in the role of perpetrator or victim of bullying?

Be a good example of healthy communication. Model cooperation, compassion and empathy. Remain open to hearing your child’s concerns about school, self-worth and socialization.

Recently, I was speaking with an administrator of a local high school in a community with a pervasive gun culture. I asked what the environment was like for his students. The teachers assured them that to the best of their ability, they would look out for their wellbeing. Their school utilizes the ALICE system that is meant to protect and empower the children and teens. The acronym is meant to reflect intervention on the part of teachers and students and has been proven to have positive impact.

Alert

Lockdown

Inform

Counter

Evacuate

A few days following the attack, I was sitting with a 12-year-old client who, in a matter of fact manner, outlined the drills his school did in anticipation of a gun-toting intruder. I held back tears as I told him that I was sorry they needed to go through this and that when I was his age, we had fire drills that had us line up for a short time in the parking lot. That was it. No fear of threat to life and limb as I was growing up in the 1960s and ’70s. No cowering in closets. No piling desks, bookshelves and chairs against doors. No heart racing terror that my friends and I wouldn’t make it home that day.

Students and teachers have elected to take matters into their own hands and speak out about their concerns. May they be heard, respected and responded to in ways that save lives.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-do-we-assure-the-children/

#World of Psychology

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erraticfairy · 6 years

Text

How Do We Assure the Children?

When shots rang out that Valentine’s Day afternoon, students were completing a day that ironically began with an affirmation, “Life supports me in every way possible.”

My friend shared this bit of weaponry wisdom that is taught to those who take training.

The Gun Safety Rules Are:

All guns are always loaded. (meaning, assume they are)

Never let the muzzle cover anything you are not willing to destroy.

Keep your finger off the trigger until your sights are on the target.

Be sure of your target and what is beyond it.

Ask yourself about your stance on guns. Do you own them? If so, are they safely sequestered? What is the purpose of gun ownership in your case? How do you educate your children about their safe use?

What are your thoughts about gun violence and how it impacts on children?

What are your thoughts about mental illness and gun ownership? Statistically, more people with mental health diagnoses are victims of violence than they are perpetrators.

Do you consider gun violence a public health crisis? The Centers for Disease Control advocates for that perspective.

Does your child isolate or reach out to socialize with others? Are they aware of other children who are ostracized or bullied? Are they in the role of perpetrator or victim of bullying?

Be a good example of healthy communication. Model cooperation, compassion and empathy. Remain open to hearing your child’s concerns about school, self-worth and socialization.

Alert

Lockdown

Inform

Counter

Evacuate

Students and teachers have elected to take matters into their own hands and speak out about their concerns. May they be heard, respected and responded to in ways that save lives.

from World of Psychology http://ift.tt/2BLowzC via theshiningmind.com

#World of Psychology #child psychology

0 notes

trendingnewsb · 6 years

Text

30 Kickass Affirmations For Going No Contact With An Abusive Narcissist

God & Man

No Contact from a narcissistic or otherwise abusive, toxic ex-partner can be a rewarding and challenging time. Survivors of emotional and/or physical abuse are not only paving a new path to freedom and rebirth, they may also be struggling with the effects of cognitive dissonance, fear, obligation and guilt (FOG), as well as the traumatic effects of the abuse on their minds, bodies and spirits. They may also encounter stalking or harassment from their abusive partners in their attempts to detach from them, especially if they ‘dared’ to leave those partners first.

Due to biochemical and trauma bonding with their abusers, survivors may also struggle to not contact their ex-partner or check up on them due to being conditioned to rely upon their abuser’s approval and validation during the abuse cycle as a survival mechanism.

Considering the fact that detoxing from an abusive relationship is very much like recovering from an addiction, ‘rehab’ from this type of toxicity needs to be addressed in a way that is both compassionate and empowering.

These positive affirmations can help you reconnect back to your sense of reality when you may be plagued by emotional flashbacks, triggers or cravings to reconnect with an abusive partner. I’ve also included brief explanations of each affirmation, in case any of them need further clarification in order to better appreciate the underlying meaning for each.

For those who may have implemented Low Contact due to co-parenting with an abuser, you can feel free to customize these various phrases to best suit your situation. You may also want to brainstorm your own affirmations that are best tailored to your unique needs and desires.

1. Every act of silence is a protection against psychological violence.

Every time you choose not to check up on, respond or reach out to an abusive ex-partner, you demonstrate that you value yourself, you value your time, your new life and your right not to be subjected to abuse or mistreatment. You protect yourself from traumatizing information or emotional violence that could further retraumatize you and ensnare you back into an abuse cycle. A cycle that can only expose you to more pain, heartache and a pervasive sense of hopelessness. You have escaped from the abuse – don’t let yourself reenter the cycle right back into a seemingly inescapable situation again. It can get more and more difficult to leave each time you do.

2. I have a right to be free from abuse. Every human being has that right and I do, too.

We have to remember that we are just like any other human being – including those who have never been in an abusive relationship or those who have never tolerated any form of abuse if they encountered it. They had the right not to be abused and we do too. This is not to blame or shame anyone who has stayed in an abusive relationship; there are many reasons why abuse survivors stay well beyond the first incident of abuse, including the trauma repetition cycle that arises due to subconscious wounding from childhood. This is simply a reminder that there are many people who are in healthy relationships – and as a human being, you are of the same.

3. No one can take away the power I have within me.

It may come as a surprise to you, but narcissistic abusers don’t actually hold any authentic inner power – they take away power from others because they have none within themselves. They have no sense of core identity – they need us more than we need them (even if it feels otherwise). They leech off of our light – we are life source, their narcissistic supply and they are the energetic vampires who live off our resources, our talents, and our empathy and compassion.

4. My will is stronger than an abuser’s attempts to bully me.

If you’re suffering from PTSD or Complex PTSD and you’re hearing your abuser’s voice and/or are being met with hoovering attempts to shame you back into the abuse cycle, you’re not alone. Many survivors of abuse are left reeling from the bullying behavior of their ex-partner. They cannot understand why their abusive ex-partner refuses to leave them alone, stalks or harasses them, or even goes so far as to flaunt their new source of supply to them as a way to provoke them. Remember: the abuser’s tactics cannot work on you as effectively if you are willing to prioritize your freedom over their attempts to bully you. The bullying may hurt and you will have to address it as you process the trauma, but where there is a strong will, there is an even stronger survivor who can meet any challenge along the way.

5. I am stronger than empty threats.

Abusive ex-partners may smear you, slander you or even threaten to release personal information about you, especially if you ‘discard’ them first due to narcissistic rage and injury. They want to regain power and control to put you through an even worse discard and essentially ‘win’ the break-up or save face after the ending of the relationship. Much of these are empty threats. It’s true that more dangerous narcissists may follow through with their threats, but the point is that you can choose how you respond to their threats. You have choices and options to protect yourself and document those threats in case you need to ever take legal action. You can go to law enforcement if you have to (and feel safe doing so). You can also seek support from a lawyer and/or counselor who can offer you insights into your particular situation. What you have to do is give into the threats of emotional blackmail and go back into an abusive relationship only to be terrorized in an even worse fashion than before. Who wants to be in a relationship where you are coerced back in?

6. I will defend and protect myself, no matter what.

Whether that means getting a restraining order, changing your number or blocking them from all social media platforms, do whatever you need to do to protect yourself from the narcissist’s manipulation and abuse on your journey to No Contact (or Low Contact if co-parenting). You don’t deserve to be retraumatized, in any shape, way or form. Seek support from your local domestic violence shelter (yes, emotional abuse is still violence), find a trauma-informed therapist, research local support groups, Meetups or group therapy focused on trauma recovery and support. Find any and all support you can to help build and reinforce the fortress of protection around you. The more quality support you have, the more confident you’ll be in moving forward without your toxic ex-partner.

7. I never give up; I keep going.

No matter how difficult it becomes, you never give up. Even if you make a mistake, all is not lost. How do you beat an addiction? You don’t let imperfection impede you from progressing on your path. You keep going. If you fell off the wagon and broke No Contact (whether by checking up on the narcissist or responding to them), don’t judge yourself too harshly. Self-judgment leads to the same sense of unworthiness that leads you back into looking for validation from toxic people. Instead, get back on the wagon and commit yourself to the journey even more fully. Practice mindfulness and radical acceptance of any urges you might have without acting upon them and participating in more self-sabotage. Know that every setback is simply bringing up the core wounds you need to heal in order to move forward with even more strength and determination than before. Understand the triggers that led to your decision to break No Contact to mitigate them in the future and grieve for the illusion the narcissistic abuser presented to you (the ‘false mask’ they presented). Know that this person never truly existed and that the promise of a relationship that was fabricated in the idealization phase led you to an investment that ultimately led to more loss than gain.

8. My life is worth more than empty promises.

When a narcissistic abuser is hoovering you, they are re-idealizing you and making the same promises they made in the beginning of the relationship. They promised to change, to love and care for you, to always support you and be there for you. Yet they invalidated, belittled and degraded you instead. These empty promises are just another way to control and coerce you back into the abuse cycle. Don’t feed into the illusion of what the relationship could have been. Instead, acknowledge it for what it was: moments of terror merged with false promises that were never carried out. You deserve more than empty promises: you deserve the real thing. The true promise of a new and healthier life awaits you: make a promise to yourself that you will pursue that new reality instead.

9. This is life or death and I choose life. Every time.

Many abuse survivors have a high level of resilience as well as a pain threshold that could rival a sumo wrestler or someone walking on hot coals without so much as a grimace. Even if you feel like you can ‘deal with’ further abuse even after the break-up, consider that this is truly a life or death situation. If you are escaping from a physical abuser, this affirmation hits home. Yet even if you’re coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship, it also holds weight. I know many might not think of emotional violence as a life or death situation, but considering the suicides that occur from bullying and domestic violence and the fact that domestic violence survivors are actually at a higher risk of committing suicide, it is truer than we think. Each time we sacrifice our peace of mind for one more ‘hit’ of the abuse rather than detoxing from the relationship, we also belittle, demean and abuse ourselves. These incidents build up collectively to reenact the same sense of hopelessness we had during the abusive relationship and can pose severe harm to our psyche over time due to the cumulative impact of traumatic and retraumatizing experiences. By breaking No Contact, we convince ourselves that we are unworthy of something more than being with a toxic person. In the case of life or death, be sure to choose your new life without your abuser…each and every time.

10. Loneliness is infinitely better than any form of abuse.

After an abusive relationship, we may begin to romanticize our ex-partner in times of loneliness. We might even wonder if it was ‘worth’ leaving the abuse since we now feel so alone. We may have mixed emotions about our abuser as the “good times” come flooding back in the absence of our abuser.

The ‘good memories’ we had with our abuser never justify the abuse or make up for them. Loneliness can be a sign that you are working through and processing the trauma. It’s a sign that you may need to be more present with yourself and surround yourself with better support networks. It’s also a sign that you are in dire need of learning to enjoy your own company. Acknowledge and validate the loneliness, but don’t resist it by pursuing more toxic people or going back to the same toxic relationship. Survivors often need a period of self-isolation to reflect and recover from the trauma before they date or pursue new friendships. Take this time to heal and don’t rush the process: it’s very much needed in order for you to be in an optimal state of mental health. The more healed you are, the better the quality of your future relationships will be, whether with new friends and/or partners.

11. I deserve so much more than to be an emotional punching bag.

When you’re in an abusive relationship, you are not in a healthy, reciprocal relationship. You are an emotional punching bag for an immature and unstable person. They get to take all of their flaws, their insecurities, their internal garbage and spew it onto you. Throughout the relationship, you were trained by your abuser to ‘take it’ as a natural part of being in a relationship with them. No more. You deserve more than to be someone’s emotional punching bag. You deserve a mutually respectful relationship where love and compassion are the default.

12. I can communicate my feelings to people who deserve to hear my voice.

We don’t have to use our voice with people who are committed to misunderstanding, invalidating and mistreating us. We can reserve our energy and time for people who are willing to see our beautiful qualities and celebrate them. We can use our voice for people who truly want to help us, who appreciate our help and reciprocate our efforts. Instead of wasting your precious voice on people who will always be intent on silencing you, why not use it to help those who really need it, to comfort someone who is just as empathic and compassionate as you are, to receive insights from a trusted professional or to share your story and change the world? I guarantee you that helping people who are to evolve (and this includes yourself!) is a much better use of your voice than trying to convince a person without empathy to treat you well. It’s more likely to be effective, too!

13. My mental health is my number one priority.

Make sure you’re engaging in extreme self-care during the No Contact journey. This means checking with yourself every moment of the day to ensure that you are thinking healthy thoughts, taking advantage of the diverse healing modalities available to you, and addressing any symptoms of trauma that may be interfering with your ability to function in day-to-day life. If your mental health is suffering, all other aspects of your life will also feel the impact. So take care of yourself – and don’t be afraid to seek professional support if you need it. No one should have to go through this turmoil alone.

14. Staying sane is more important than being validated by an abuser.

Often when we have been devalued by an abuser, we become controlled by the need to be validated by them as ‘worthy.’ This need becomes especially amplified when we see that the abuser seems to have moved on with a new victim. This is because the abuser was the source of our pervasive sense of unworthiness throughout the abuse cycle and we now feel as if we need confirmation that we were not the problem. Unfortunately, the reality is that narcissistic abuse will inevitably leave us without any closure from the toxic ex-partner. Narcissists are masters of impression management and they rarely expose what is actually happening behind closed doors – so all you are likely to see is them idealizing their victims for the public, just like they did with you. That’s why you must prioritize your own sanity by accepting that while you may never get closure or confirmation of your worth from the narcissist, you can find ways of cultivating your own belief in your self-worth. This means stepping away from the narcissist’s public façade and investing in living your own best life.

15, 16, and 17. I trust my own reality. I know and trust what I experienced and felt. I validate myself.

These are a set of affirmations that can help you to resist the gaslighting attempts of your ex-partner or their harem.

This affirmation is here to remind you that despite the amount of people your abuser may have fooled, no one has the right to take away the reality of the abuse that you endured. You know what you experienced – you know how valid it was and the impact that it left upon you. It doesn’t matter how charming the narcissistic abuser is or who chooses to believe them; let their harem members learn at their own pace who the narcissist is. You’re not here to convince anyone. You’re here to validate yourself and resist the gaslighting attempts to distort your reality and that of the abuse. Don’t feel obligated to protect your abuser, minimize, rationalize or deny the abuse you endured. Honor and acknowledge your authentic emotions as well as depth of trauma you experienced.

18. I am worthy, I am beautiful (or handsome), I am brave, I am strong, I am fearless.

These are another set of positive affirmations that can help remind you of how worthy and courageous you truly are, with or without a partner. It conditions you into believing good things about yourself, especially if you’re used to hearing harsh words from your abuser. I recommend recording these into a tape recorder or voice recording application on your phone and listening to them on a daily basis just to get yourself used to hearing them. Repetition is essential to deprogramming the harmful messages your abuser instilled in you and reprogramming your mind for future success.

19. Each second, each minute, each hour, each day, each month, each year, I am getting stronger.

While you may have moments of powerlessness and hopelessness from time to time, rest assured that as you move forward with No Contact, you will gain more and more strength and resilience than you ever knew was possible. As more time passes and as more trauma is processed and addressed, the more space you’ll carve out to become the person you were meant to be. You’ll eventually reach a point in your healing journey where the strong attachment to the abusive person has ‘dulled’ in its emotional potency.

20. Leaving (or being left) was the best thing that ever happened to me. I made that happen.

It was your agency and your powerful light that got you through the worst moments of your life so never underestimate your ability to survive after the abuse. There are so many victims still in abusive relationships – including the new source of supply. You’ve awakened and you’ve taken back control over your life. This is a blessing that should not be taken for granted. Instead of focusing on the ways you still feel trapped, validate your grief while allowing yourself to celebrate the ways you’ve been freed.

21. I am a motherf*cking badass. I can survive anything. And I will thrive.

For those who need that extra punch (and dose of profanity along with their reality check), this affirmation can charge you with the determination and badassery needed to rise above the pain and channel it into something greater. Remember: for every crucifixion, there is an even greater possibility for resurrection. Transform all the grief and outrage you feel into your greater good: use it to fuel you to reach greater heights, achieve your goals and kick some serious butt in all facets of your life.

22. Do no harm; take no shit. We don’t have to be vindictive or retaliate against our ex-partners in order to take care of ourselves, set boundaries or to lead victorious lives. At the same time, we don’t have to internalize anyone else’s garbage. You can empower yourself by establishing what your boundaries are and following through with them – each and every time. Whether it be with your abusive ex-partner or a new acquaintance, the healing journey is all about learning how to implement healthier boundaries and becoming more assertive in our authentic truth.

23. My success is their karma. Karma can answer him or her – I am too busy.

Live your life and try to minimize your focus on what the narcissist is doing, who he or she is seeing or what they are getting away with. Let the narcissist learn at his or her own pace what life is all about; you don’t need to educate a grown ass human being on how to be a decent person. You don’t need to give karma a ‘push’ either – let it unravel and unfold organically, if at all.

24. I am the life source. I am the Light. Without me, there is nothing to feed on.

These are emotional vampires we’re dealing with; it’s up to you to make sure that they don’t leave nourished on your supply while you’re left malnourished, drained and underfed after an interaction with them. Without their sources of supply, narcissists live in the darkness of their own emotional void. Don’t let your mind, your body and your soul be part of their feeding queue. Remove yourself completely from the equation altogether. If they don’t get to feast upon your emotions, your commitment or your investment, you get to nourish yourself with a healthy mind and life.

25. They don’t miss me as a person – they miss controlling and mistreating me.

Narcissistic ex-partners only try to play the ‘let’s be friends’ card because they miss what you provide for them. They miss putting you down. They don’t miss you or any other victim as a person because they truly cannot even wrap their heads around people as individual human beings. To them, supply is supply and they rarely ‘know’ their sources of supply beyond a shallow impression of them as objects to control and misuse for their own gain. Remember that when a narcissistic abuser tries to hoover you, saying they miss you, what they’re saying is that they miss the power and control they felt when they were able to provoke your emotions.

26. They don’t love or care about me – they care about fulfilling their own needs.

Normal partners would leave their ex-partners alone and move forward especially after they realized that their ex-partners were not the one for them. Narcissists don’t care what is best for their ex-partners; they don’t care if they’re potentially retraumatizing them by reaching out to them or flaunting new supply. They want to fulfill their own needs and it doesn’t matter who they hurt in the process. Give yourself this reality check each and every time you find yourself romanticizing the abuser: they do not love or care about you, at all. If they did, they would have made the effort to treat you better. Love is expressed in actions, not empty words.

27. Each time I don’t respond or set a boundary, I remind myself of what I am worth.

You are truly worthy, warrior, and you don’t need anybody else to validate your worth to you. You are precious, valuable and enough. Know it and own it; don’t let anyone take away your divine self-worth from you. Each time that you permit yourself to stick to No Contact, you communicate to yourself that you are worthy of a better life. Continue to tell yourself that you are whole just as you are and so very deserving of the best life possible. Treat yourself as if you were already whole and one day you will realize you’ve internalized this belief. Feeling and knowing that you are enough goes beyond just an affirmation; it can lead to success beyond your wildest dreams. You just have to be willing to be receptive to this belief. Gently invite it into your life and find ways to cultivate it every day until it is so fully rooted in your psyche that it has no choice other than to blossom.

28. I care about and love myself.

Be gentle with yourself during this time. Treat yourself as you would a dear friend or a wounded baby bird. How would you take care of yourself? What would you tell someone you love who is hurting? How would you treat someone who you wanted the best for? Treat yourself that exact way – you deserve all the care, compassion and validation that you tried to give to the narcissist.

29. I am my own best friend. I am my own best advocate.

You can have a nourishing support network, but at the end of the day, you are the only one who can advocate for yourself and your healing. You are the only person who can act on your own behalf and make the right choices for your recovery process. Nobody can do it for you. So advocate for yourself, each and every day: turn off the phone, the computer and any form of communication with the narcissistic abuser and walk away from temptation. You are worth so much more than this toxic person could ever give you.

30. I love myself. Truly and always, I love myself. And for the first time in a long time, I am putting myself first.

The journey to healing is about you. Not your ex-partner, your friends, your family, or society. You may have placed your mental health and basic needs on the back burner for a long time when you were in this abusive relationship. Now it’s finally time to prioritize you, your needs, your dreams, your desires and what you personally want to manifest in your life. Take this valuable time to really get to know yourself and honor your goals. You deserve to make all your dreams come to life. It’s time for you to shine – and no one is ever going to get to dim your light ever again.

Want more writing like this? Read the book

Read more: https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2017/05/30-kickass-affirmations-for-going-no-contact-with-an-abusive-narcissist/

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