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barry-j-blupjeans · 1 year

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@taznovembercelebration - Cat / Baby

It was late when Taako came home. Much, much later than it usually would be. Unfortunately, part of teaching meant dealing with parents. And with parents came the "but my perfect angel child can't do anything wrong ever!". And with that came the mountains of video evidence that their perfect angel child did, in fact, set fire to the cafeteria and reanimate the frogs that another class was set to dissect. Y'know, normal magic school things.

So yes, it was much later than normal. What he wanted was to reheat his spaghetti left over from last night and then lay face first into bed for the next ten hundred years. He wanted to pile cats on top of him until he couldn't do anything else except sit there and feel the vibrations of their purring. He wanted Kravitz to just like, hold his head, because he forgot to get a new ice pack and a headache had been slowly building all day.

What he got instead were his cats surrounding him upon entrance into the house, meowing desperately. Not too unusual within itself, because they were all attention whores and would do next to anything to get their desired amount of affection. What was unusual was that Angus Jr Jr (named after Angus Jr, who decided that human Angus was a much better dad than Taako and Kravitz were, the little traitor) practically climbed up him like a living jungle gym, wailing, fur on end.

"Hey," Taako said. Angus Jr. Jr. gave a louder, more distressed wail. "Hey. Listen. Is this how we talk to people we love, Angus Jr. Jr.?"

Angus Jr. Jr. flicked his tail directly into Taako's face. The door to the kitchen was open and Taako could see Kravitz's shadow from where he was standing. Maybe Lup's too? And if there was a Lup, there was a Barry. Maybe Angus Jr. Jr. was having an understandable reaction to unwanted social interaction. Taako also wanted to climb up someone and cry until they did something about it.

He took one step toward the kitchen and Angus Jr. Jr. squirmed, demanding to be set down. Taako complied and he skittered off to the rest of the cats, who were hanging around the front door like they were trying to trade catnip without Taako noticing. As he approached the kitchen, he could definitely make out Lup talking. And when he opened the door...

Well. Okay.

Lup was definitely here. Kravitz, too. Very important to include Kravitz. However. Instead of doing a normal afterward hang out, as they were wont to do, Lup was holding an actual baby in her arms. A real-life, half-elf baby, who was currently chewing on her finger knuckles. The baby seemed to be... smoking. Literally smoking, with wisps of smoke rising off their skin and ash all over Taako's newly installed counters.

Lup paused midsentence. Kravitz turned to see him and gave him a sort of half-grimace half-smile.

"'Sup," Lup said.

"That's a baby," Taako said.

"Very astute observation," Lup said.

"That's like an actual baby," Taako said, shutting the kitchen door. The cats meowed from behind him, like closing his own kitchen door was a heinous crime against them.

"Sure is," Lup said.

"It's a long story," Kravitz sighed, sounding just as exhausted as Taako felt.

"It's not- like, I'm not taking care of a baby-"

"No, no, no," Kravitz said, at the same time Lup said,

"Uh, 'cuse me, I've already called dibs, thank you."

"No baby for you," Kravitz said, pointing towards Taako. He pointed to himself next. "No baby for me. No- no. No baby. Bad. No."

"Good to see we're still on the same page," Taako said. "Does, uh, does Barry know about your new pal, Lup, or is it a surprise?"

"Oh, Barry knows," Kravitz said, with a voice Taako knew from experience to be "I've hung around these two fuckers all day". "You do not want to get Barry started on baby stuff, he just won't stop-"

"He's gone to get formula," Lup said. "And diapers. And some fire-resistant clothes. And-"

"I got it," Taako said, understanding Kravitz so well right now. "And why, pray tell, are you doing this in my goddamn kitchen and not yours, which is not even fifty feet away from my house?"

"Baby-proof drawers," Lup said, nodding sagely.

"Cat-proof drawers," Kravitz corrected.

"Same difference," Lup said. "Listen, I'll be out of your hair in about, oh, two hours? Three hours? Depends."

"Great," Taako said, out of fucks to give. Sure. A baby. Great. Good idea, sane idea. Can't be any worse than extinguishing the cafeteria and then walking directly in on a group of frogs chasing some of your teachers. Normal day, good day. He was having such a fun time being alive at this very moment. He wanted to be buried under several hundred pounds of bricks so no one could ever bother him again.

And his spaghetti wasn't in the fridge. Slowly, slowly, Taako turned back to Lup and her smoking child.

"Lup," he said. "The spaghetti?"

"Listen," Lup said again.

It was going to be a long fucking night.

#taz nc #taz november celebration #taakitz #taako #kravitz #lup #taz #taz balance #mine #ise cube writing

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tanoraqui · 2 years

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💙

this isn't your fandom but SOMEONE needs to know that someone else, actually, did write a Silmarillion fic in which [mumbles faintly about timelines] Sauron grabbed Finrod's spirit when he died and shoved him into a baby werewolf, and took baby werewolf!Finrod with him when he fled from Lúthien, and baby werewolf!Finrod grew up into at least teenage werewolf!Finrod in the time it took Lúthien and Beren to catch up, and he doesn't really remember being an elf but he DOES remember that a) he doesn't want to be here and b) he likes Those Other People. They smell like Home and Good Things. So he sneaks out and, after some romping around the forest and adopting a pack of non-were wolves, he finds them...

And the fic ENDS there, which is perfectly fine for a fic but it HAUNTS me as a prompt for more. Werewolf!Finrod! Just torment that elf down to his barest essentials: giant friendly golden retriever who can and will be terrifying and deadly if necessary, particularly in defense of his mortal friends! Werewolf!Finrod giving rides to baby Dior, and then to baby Elwing (out of Doriath), and then to babies Elrond and Elros (and maybe very begrudgingly accompanying them to go with the Fëanorians, whom he vaguely recognizes as Family and Trustworthy With Children, even if they both smell more like blood and fire than anything else, now). (This dramatically diminishes the plausibility of "we're holding them for ransom", but...they were unlikely to hurt those kids anyway, giant blond werewolf guardian or not.)

Werewolf!Finrod whose howls send all but the strongest spirits to their knees in terror and despair, because it is all the power of Finrod Felagund but filtered through a form chosen by Sauron. Werewolf!Finrod whose friends definitely debated mercy-killing him but, like, he seemed okay? And Melian a) did Something to be (almost entirely) sure he couldn't be outright commanded by any Dark Powers again, but b) thought Sauron probably still had first dibs if he died again. Werewolf!Finrod who maybe wasn't generally known to be a werewolf - or, was obviously a werewolf, but wasn't generally known to be Finrod, because none of the above is exactly reassuring, you know? Especially if you didn't know him well enough as an elf to now look him in his big wolfy eyes and say, "Oh yeah, that's my guy, he's still himself." It's just another giant canine whom Lúthien befriended while rescuing her bf, stealing a Silmaril, etc. What, like it's hard?

...Which means it's eventually up to Elrond and Elros to explain this all to Finrod's parents and fiancé, when they arrive for the War of Wrath.

(Finrod is sitting next to them whipping the floor with his tail because Mom! Dad! Girl I was going to marry and live in a beautiful house full of shiny things and go on adventures and have pups with?! If he properly remembered being an elf, his feelings at this reunion would be much more complicated; as is, he's just restraining himself from happily jumping on anyone again. It's rude to make people with swords nervous and there's actually enough of them here to cause him problems, which means he wouldn't be able to properly protect his half-grown half-elf pups, which is still the most important thing.)

I JUST THINK IT'D BE NEAT.

#professorsparklepants #ask meme #the silmarillion #finrod #beren and luthien #ficlet #my fic

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rubykgrant · 1 year

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Some of my favorite sketchy pictures I've done on lined notebook paper~

Sometimes it helps to draw like this, because there's less pressure to make the picture look perfect, on a brand-new sheet of blank paper... I can just sketch out something like when I was scribbling around during class haha. If something looks good, I will either polish up the sketch as it is, or occasionally trace-over the sketch and finish it on new paper.

From the top, left to right; my own character designs of April O'Neil and Karai from TMNT (a mix of all my favorite versions of them), a design of a fairy/elf creature (my idea if "Puck" was a fantasy species and not just one specific character. I colored this in by blending almost-dry markers and mixing colored pencil shavings with water to make "paint"), the way I imagine the 3 main characters from the book Doll Bones (I like when I can draw characters in profile, and really show they they all have different noses, mouths, chins/jaw-lines, etc), a sequence sketch from my Beetlejuice Sequel story (this is Lydia's daughter- Luna, having her own mis-adventure with Beetlejuice. they're riding a bus in between Limbo areas of the afterlife, and he falls asleep. Luna would rather NOT be crushed by the personification of a hefty bag full of fast-food garbage and decomposing mulch), a cute idea I had about Goku feeling baby Gohan kick for the first time while Chi-Chi was pregnant... followed by him embarrassing soon-to-be-dad Gohan many years later by loudly announcing he knows where babies come from, an idea I had about what the Alpha AI would look like without the program to be similar to a soldier (keep in mind, this isn't Alpha when he first formed, this is Church returning in an entirely new way that he's never experienced before), my Jack and Sally kid Danny (a pumpkin that grew into a little ragdoll body, brought to life with electricity, so the "stem" is his "neck", with his limbs having a similar texture to wood), my actual normal human designs for Gir and Zim (they would regular kids with Dib being the opposing invader. Zim has no idea Dib is an alien, he just hates the new kid and is only good at being annoying), some concept art about my story idea where everybody has a "shoulder angel" and "shoulder demon" that are personified as little chibi characters who help their person with cool anime powers (the angels can sometimes be cruel, while the demons are occasionally more caring. it all depends on the person they are part of. also, they aren't literal angels or demons, it's just ironic imagery), a sketch I did of Moon Stone Eugene (Blugene) and what it might be like if he had long blue hair, and my designs for gijinkas of my Pokemon from Yellow Version (Sparky the Pikachu, Shellshock the Squirtle, Charmer the Charmander, and Bough the Bulbasaur)

#concept art #character design #sketches

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gamerbearmira · 2 years

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I like the idea of her being in Hobbit and then in LoTRs later.

Just imagine this tiny ten year old seeing the Elves and first words out of her mouth to Galandriel is something like You're weird but really pretty. Almost as pretty as mama.

And another Elf might be offended but Galandriel just smiles and stares at the child before asking her name and age and once she learns Mirabel is only ten (Which is probably considered a baby to Elves considering Elrond at the least is mentioned to be over 3000 years old...) Galandriel is blank for a moment before scooping Mirabel up and calling dibs. Her little human child now. No she's not giving her back. No one can change her mind. This her human baby now.

Yeah me too! And time pasaing quickly would make sense, cause 5 years later in the Encanto is 77 years in Middle Earth. And she would say something like that to Galandriel 😭😭 but The Pretty Elf lady doesn't mind, she finds Miravel cute <33

#encanto #encanto au #au #my asks are open #my asks #encanto mirabel #galandriel #the hobbit

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springvaletales · 1 year

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((Session 39 is wrapped!))

I’ve got my trinket table, my dice rollers, my trap stats, and my home-brew monster stat blocks let’s gO-

We got word that Bagelby’s PC is going to be in town with his fiancee next week, so we planned our first in-person get together in, like, two years! Huzzah!!

I told my players that I loved them earlier in the group chat and now they’re all worried for what I have in store.

August’s player: “DM, it’s okay, you can take the gloves off.”

Me: “I think I’ve worked it out so that nobody will die without breaking the story but I’m sorry in advance for anything that may happen tonight.”

“There’s not a single memory stone hanging from that ceiling that has good vibes.”

Bagelby tried to remove on of Ena’s bad memories and put it into one of the stones, just for funnies, but rolled a nat 1, and cracked off one of his antler points from training too hard.

Now down to only three points, Bagelby - lamenting the sudden onset of winter - asked August why there were so many stones on the ceiling, and August explained the cultural significance of ‘sacrificing’ negative fears or memories to Skaadi before milestones in the lives of her followers.

Bagelby: “What if the bad vibes are….tainted mac and cheese?”

Asahi gave every party member one of her Val’s Drops grenades as a precaution, and warned them that they also have a wild magic effect when broken.

Asahi’s Player, while the party’s trying to decide whether or not to separate: “Let’s split up, gang!”

Thiori’s Player: “Dibs on the dog.”

Party consensus is that Bagelby is Scooby Doo.

Ena’s Player, via private messeger: “DM how do I get down?”

Me: “That’s a very good question, considering you weren’t supposed to be able to get up there in the first place.”

She Misty Escape-d her way back down to the ground floor (taking (1) point of damage to do so) when the party started leaving without her. Asahi is unimpressed and August is concerned.

The party heard soft voices across the temple floor, and rolled for stealth to investigate.

Thiori failed his stealth roll, and his player put a 10 hour sound loop of Mr. Krabs’ walking noise into the chat.

Thiori’s Player: “I should not have worn my xylophone shoes!”

Ena activated her Eldritch Sight to try and see anything, and nearly blinded herself, as she was looking for magic in an ancient, magically infused temple.

She did, however, see several non-magical humanoid silhouettes beyond a partially-collapsed wall ahead.

Asahi threw an acorn into the dark, and the acorn was thrown right back.

Bagelby’s PC, upon discovering two awakened saplings in the room ahead: “How well does Bagel know his trees?” *rolls* “18!”

“Do not lick the trees without their consent!”

Bagelby’s PC: “I would like to do a vibe check, please.”

Asahi’s PC: “You mean Sense Motive?”

Tree vibes: Baby.

“You look at the human and decide…that he’d look better with a mustache.”

Bagelby failed his roll to re-enter stealth, and so popped up 2ft from the human to share his mustache opinion.

Bandits out of their depth:

Stevon, the human

Heckle, the dark elf

Mischief, the tiefling

Ash, the awakened thorn sapling

Thorn, the awakened oak sapling

“You either murder everything in your path or you adopt everything in your path. Either way, no-one will stand against you.”

“Please don’t heckle Heckle she’s been through a lot.”

Asahi gave all five bandits an acorn, a pamphlet, a job offer, and 100 gold.

The bandits are awestruck to see so much gold in one place, but are hesitant to leave yet, as six members of their group are still trapped downstairs in the temple’s lower levels.

Thiori’s Cookies of Healing have a shelf life of two months, apparently.

Bandits in need of rescue:

Grickleback, the lizardfolk

Tiffany, the elf

Oak, the awakened ash sapling

Agateye. the dwarf

Tiny Toes, the firbolg

Richard, the human (the unfortunate one who is already dead at the time of quest-giving)

The party has latched onto all the nicknames Bandit Richard could have. They’ll never get a chance to use them.

The chat was filled with slang terms for male genitalia for the next ten minutes.

TEN, MINUTES.

Since finding the bandits and sending them on their way would count towards ‘clearing the temple’, as August’s mission states, the party left the five survivors huddled in their makeshift lair, and walked down a large staircase across the room to find a tall door barricaded with every bench, rock, floor tile, and other debris the bandits could find.

Asahi sent the bandits outside to wait with Sebastian, and sent them with her waterskin so that he’d know she sent them.

Sir Carl Jager took note of a large tree root that had been propping the door partially ajar, and asked if there were more of them after they descended the stairs. Yes, Sir Carl. Yes, there are. >:3c

Asahi has started to wonder if maybe giving Bagelby a Fey/wild magic glass grenade might have been a bad idea.

Thiori found the first of many items on my trinket treasure list, and the party immediately all focused on repairing this innocuous little item.

Ena cast mending to try and fix it, and Thiori happily tied this little clapper-less bell to his glaive.

Ena saw and reacted to a surprise attack from a root-infested rat just in time to save August from a nasty lashing, and - since it was an intelligence saving throw - the beast failed a save of her brain lance, and took 7d6 damage, killing it instantly.

“Hang on, I need more dice for this.”

Ena: “Hey guys look what I killed!”

The rest of the party, who had been distracted by Thiori’s bell and didn’t even notice the danger: “What?”

Thiori inspected the now-dead creature, and found it to be the mummified remains of a long-dead rat, grown through with more of the tree roots, and seemingly rooted to the floor.

Ena: “Oh yeah guys the tree roots are magic.”

August swung her sword at some of the roots, but her blade just bounced.

Bagelby: “Hey, guys, hey. MAYbe, instead of attacking these magical roots we don’t know anything about, we should investigate them a little first?”

Bagelby: “Which one of us is the best at communicating with trees?”

Party: *looks at Ena*

Ena: *sighs heavily*

Ena tried screaming at the tree roots in Sylvan and Primordial, but got no response. Thiori tried Deep Speech to a similar effect.

Ena, after trying to angrily burn the tree roots: “Uh guys, I got bad news - this tree don’t burn.”

The party moved on from the room and down the hallway, where it branched off into one smaller, alley-like corridor and one regular sized one.

“Thiori, I’ve got some bad news about this hallway and your crab arms.”

Asahi found another treasure under a broken floor tile in a dead end hallway.

Bagelby promptly tried to steal one of the bone pipes that Asahi had found, even though Asahi was still holding his hand ‘for safety. He was successful.

He then started playing this smoking pipe like a kazoo.

Asahi, whipping her head around at the kazoo sounds: “BAGEL-“

Bagelby: *dives between Thiori’s ass and the wall to escape, still kazooing*

Asahi, in hot pursuit: “GIVE IT BACK!”

Thiori: *cursing angrily in Deep Speech, still trapped sideways in the narrow hallway*

Despite hurtling around the corner at mach jesus, Bagelby still managed to avoid the very first trapped pressure plate on the floor.

Bagelby immediately dropped to the ground to try and disarm the pressure plate, and Asahi took the opportunity to snatch her stolen pipe back.

Bagelby has ADHD confirmed.

Thiori, raising his hand: “I know another way to disarm this trap…”

Bagelby tried crawling down the hallway, looking for any more traps, but August just walked right past him. When confronted, she agued that she’s “well armored”.

Sir Carl Jaeger, to August: “If you die from being so foolhardy, I shall not mourn you.”

Thiori, when faced with another tiny hallway: *grabs a random tree root on the wall* You asshole! This place is NOT accessible!”

August is purposefully trying to take the lead on everything, and being reckless about it, for story reasons, and the party is (slowly) taking note.

Following the sound of faint crying, August found the first of the six missing bandits - Tiffany the elf - and escorted her back to the main stairs.

While August and Asahi were trying to comfort Tiffany, Ena found a ring amongst all the roots on the ground, and Lex found an ancient crystal door knob.

Ena’s Player: “Lick it. Lick the crystal!”

Lex’s Player: “I’m not the geologist, here!”

My players are going feral over these trinkets I should’ve done this a long time ago.

Trinkets the players found so far:

(43) A once-tarnished silver bell missing its clapper that may or may not have quest significance later

(75) A set of bone pipes engraved in an ancient language unknown to the party

(5) A brash ring that never tarnishes that bears the royal emblem of the ancient Kendaran Empire

(69) An ancient crystal door knob that has been converted into a shot glass

We’re nowhere near finished with this dungeon, but it’s getting late, so we wrapped up with one bandit found and five more to go. We might not be back for a while, with all the holidays and events coming up, but hopefully we’ll be back soon!

#OOC #Quarantine D&D

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melodyofthevoid · 4 years

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A round of doodles for @snugglecat453 ‘s beautiful DND au! These boys are my life now and as such are subject to my brand of... care. :)

Bonus baby

#myart #dnd au #I love dib #elf dib is baby #son #Invader Zim #the boys are poly and I love it #*vibes*#zadr #kadr #dorque #the full ship name is unweildy #lmao

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battinscn · 2 years

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TWO CUPS OF TEA — regulus black x f! reader

content warning: completely out of character fluff

summary: reg fluff.

wc/ avg. reading time: 668 words/ 4 minutes

return to the regulus masterlist here

"WOULD YOU QUIT kicking the table?" you frowned at the brunette boy sitting across from you in the library.

"you were the one who sat here," james potter shrugged as he continued reading his textbook.

"because there's nowhere else to sit?" you whisper-scolded and gestured to the packed library, "you don't even like reading? why are you here?"

"well you know what potter? fuc-"

before you could finish your sentence, you were kicked out of the library by madam pince.

"fucking hell, fucking potter," you mumbled under your breath as you stomped into the slytherin common room, walking into your boyfriend's dorm and slamming the door behind you.

"what climbed up into your arse and died?" regulus folded his laundry and placed them into the drawers.

"stupid james potter and his stupid face, i was trying to study in the library and he kept bothering me," you complained as you threw your bag onto the floor and jumped into regulus' bed, diving your head into his pillows.

"no wonder he's best mates with my brother," regulus ran his hands up and down your back, "you've been studying too much, take a break baby."

you picked your head up, "you know i can't do that, not all of us are naturally gifted like you are."

"just for today, up you get," regulus pulled you up onto your feet and adjusted your robes for you.

you reluctantly let your boyfriend drag you through the hogwarts halls.

he stopped by a painting of a fruit bowl and you looked at your boyfriend strangely as he tickled the pear on the painting.

the pear giggled and turned into a large green door handle, revealing an entrance.

you followed regulus into the door and found yourselves in the hogwarts kitchen.

"how'd you learn how to get in here?" you asked amused.

"i saw a few hufflepuffs sneaking in here past curfew last night, so i thought i'd bring you here."

a house-elf popped up in front of the both of you, "what can posmy do for missus and mister?"

"two cups of tea and some jammie dodgers please," you requested from the house elf.

in a blink of an eye, posmy held out a tray to you as you thanked her.

you and regulus made your way back to his dorm, regulus offering to carry the tray for the both of you.

"has it been that long already?" you asked as you took a bite out of your biscuit.

"it feels like just yesterday when you confessed your undying love for me," regulus smirked as he laid on his side, supporting his head with his propped elbow. you were sitting across from him with your legs crossed.

"hey! it was rosier who outed me anyway, stupid git basically told the whole class how i was shooting heart eyes at you across the room," you recalled that one potions class back in your fourth year.

you noticed how there was only one biscuit left on the plate.

"i call dibs on the last biscuit!" you picked the jammie dodger up.

"you can't call dibs! you practically ate them all, i only had one."

"that sounds like what someone who doesn't have dibs would say," you stuck out your tongue.

"mhm, very mature baby," regulus shook his head with a chuckle.

"ok fine, we can share," you broke the biscuit into two and held one half to his lips.

regulus happily ate it out of your hand with a happy hum.

you reached over to peck regulus on his forehead.

"thank you for looking after me always, i love you," you mumbled against the top of his head.

"anything for you," regulus smiled with his eyes closed.

join my taglist here!

tags: @lilytoyourjames @haroldpotterson @harryjamespotterswife @fairydxll @xangel76 @eleventhboi

#regulusblack #regulus fluff #regulus x y/n #regulus fanfiction #regulus black #dracosluvbotwrites

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hellsprite · 3 years

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Phil saying “I got Danny his jumper” actually made me start crying oh dear and it was an earnest ‘Danny’ not like the ‘Danneh’ that he sometimes does

wippy wobby dib dobbles fuck that’s so fucking funny

phil wanting bath pearls as a child ALSO VERY FUNNY and dan just casually like ‘oh i’m the type of person that listens to your rants and in 7.5 months I’m going to buy them for you’ I mean. It’s the dream, right?

dan’s ASMR is demonic and honestly uncalled for

dan says SOME would say Phil’s style is GEEK CHIC but he says it’s someone who got lost in a comic book store in Japan so in other words, Dan says both and that’s real cute

Dan’s favorite look from VPMO2 was Moon Boy and that validates me because I also thought those baggy purple pants looked really cool sorry bout it!!!

Phil says ‘we’re gonna power through’ after he makes the echo issue worse and Dan goes like ‘mmmm’ and I am loving this.

Dan does not like Phil’s beard which is CORRECT because if he is referencing any of the monstrosities from that video then they were all garbage and not okay. Phil, however, is a fan of a beard on Dan.

Dan’s quick Echo the Dolphin reference :)

Shout out to all the perverts that listened to their sound check lmao OH I MISSED DAN

They fixed the echo holy shit, thank you technical whiz danny boy

FUCK!! The Tesco delivery guy!!!! HAHAHA

Dan’s introvert has died and I feel this SO HARD. I want to kiss everyone and be caressed and jump into a sea of people as well.

Phil saying he has “little sads” about not seeing his family :(

Oh and right into the moving announcement YAY!!!!

The “Dan and Phil Games Room” :/

god I am so fucking happy for themmmmmm and hearing them talk like real people is absolutely earth-shattering

I completely understand not wanting to do a house tour but I will never agree. I want to see that interior designnnnn

DND Character Sheet: Phil is a gay dragon

DND Character Sheet: Dan is a disowned gay elf prince from a kingdom that has one metal arm

I am living for Phil getting his feature wall. FINALLY.

Dan and Phil Life Journey :(((((((((( Dan was absolutely going on a Dan rant at this point about people wanting to see big changes and acting like they’re watching the sims, but him saying these words made my heart pound

You can’t be afraid to live and love!!!!!!!!

Phil saying what’s the tea is too much for me

This whole section about Dan and what he’s been up to and why he needed a break an all of that is SO GOOD and I could listen to him forever. He’s being so sweet and real I love this side of him.

Phil “Had” to be the photographer for that ig photo

Dan and Phil crying during yoga is an image I didn’t know I needed

The gaming channel was their baby :(

Dan addressing ‘joint content’ and referring to it as such — is this normal? It struck me as weird.

The fact that Phil’s game show pitch did not work out is bullshit and I will never be over it.

Maybe I am gullible but Dan genuinely seems touched that Phil is promoting his book and hyping him up and that is very sweet and also very unsurprising because Phil loves Dan and everything he does so damn much.

these topics coming in are getting a big oofa doofa from me yeesh sorry folks

AHAHAHA nevermind I LOVE the person that screamed TALK ABOUT TIKTOK

Dan, from one adult weirdo to another, you are probably never going to stop being weird so just accept it. The world needs more goofballs.

#phan #my thoughts on the stereo live stream after watching it back on youtube #this was exhilarating #they sounded so fucking casual and relaxed and happy #and i love them so much wow

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progressivestupidity · 4 years

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IZ week 2020

so i wasn’t gonna do this because I didn’t think the prompts were very good for writing to, but I remembered the last day’s prompt was “role swap” so I decided to do something small and quick for it. this is all 7 days in one post. the first and last ones are drabbles and one of them is an au idea

@invader-zim-week here u go!!!

Day 1. Angst or Fluff

Zim’s denial skills are god tier, but even they have their limits.

Drabble. I think this is the turning point for my eventual found family au

“When are you going to get it through your thick head that the Tallests aren’t coming?” Dib flings his arms out wide in his exasperation

“They’re just…!” Zim fumbles a bit, clenching and unclenching his fists. “The Armada is a million light years away! It takes time to travel that far, obviously. It took me six of your months to get here from Conventia and the Massive is further away from here now than that. They’ll come! You’ll see! And then you’ll be sorry!” Zim’s face is drawn tight. He’s tense all over, shoulders drawn up to his jaw, antennae pressed flat to his head, and normally Dib prides himself on reading Zim like an open book, but he’s too far gone in his own annoyance to see the warning signs.

It’s because he doesn’t see these red flags that Dib proceeds to stick his own foot in his mouth with his next words. “Maybe if you weren’t such an idiot and opened your eyes, you’d see the truth—that they dumped you here to get rid of you.”

“YOU THINK I DON’T KNOW THAT?” Zim explodes, planting his tiny hands in Dib’s chest and shoving. The boy lands painfully on his ass. “I’m not stupid, Dib.” His name is spat like an insult. “I know they don’t care about me! Why do you think I try so hard?”

Dib gapes at Zim, looking up at him for once, stunned into silence. “I.” He swallows. “You know?”

“Of course, I know.” Zim’s voice is a low hiss and his eyes are narrowed to slits. “You don’t get banished and then just get over it. You don’t get put on trial to defend your life, forced to relive your worse mistakes, and get sentenced to death, only to be saved by freak miracle, and never acknowledge it happened.” Zim takes a deep breath and crosses his arms over his chest. Dib supposes he means for it to look intimidating, but it looks more like he’s holding himself together. “I’ve always known.”

“Why do you try so hard then? If you’ve always known there was no point?” Dib has to ask, has to know, has to hear the words from Zim’s own mouth.

Zim purses his lips and turns away. “There was always a point.” He falls silent for a moment, one antenna twitching up a bit in thought. “I just… I thought if I was just a little better, if I accomplished something important for once, that… I don’t know, that maybe I’d.” He pauses and grits his teeth. “Maybe if I actually managed to take over this filthy planet I’d be worth something for once.”

Day 2. Be Gay Do Crime (LGBTQA+ headcannons)

Dib is bi/pan/demi-ro, Gaz is lesbian, Zim is ace/demi-ro

Headcanons.

Dib seems like the kind of guy that would both take whatever kind of relationship he could get, but also appreciate it. Dib isn’t afraid to work for what he wants and isn’t afraid of things that are “not normal” so I see him being the type to not care about the gender of whoever he eventually decides to date. However, because Dib’s been burned in the past, he would need a deep and sincere emotional relationship to see someone as a potential romantic partner.

Gaz is just a big lesbian. Girls, man.

Zim is ace all the way baby!!! He’s just not interested, and sure, part of that is me projecting, but it just feels right for Zim to just… not care. He has no interest and doesn’t care for sexual attraction regardless of whether or not Irkens do/can/will have sex or not. On the other hand, Zim has expressed a softer side before and I can see him being able to maybe eventually develop romantic feelings for someone if he actually manages to get close enough to them for those kinds of feelings to even emerge. It would take a lot of time and a deep, meaningful friendship, but Zim has shown he’s capable of love. He just has to let himself feel it.

Day 3. Fandom Appreciation

Found family fuck yeah

Headcanons.

I’m still in the process of thinking about how I wanna go about my found family au so here’s just some initial ideas

After ETF, Zim self isolates for a bit. The florpus hole was his Last Ditch Effort plan and had it succeeded, he knew he would have been destroyed too. He was okay with it. He had made peace with it. However, it failed, and now he’s forced to reflect on said failure

The Massive doesn’t escape the florpus. They’re gone, completely. If they the ship does manage to get out, it’s not in one piece

I initially couldn’t decide if The Trial should come Before ETF or After but I think im gonna say before so the Massive doesn’t have to come back lmao

Before too long, Zim jumps back into the planning/scheming swing of things, but his ideas are never more than petty crimes and being a huge annoyance

Dib gets really annoyed with him and they have a big argument

Zim finally admits to knowing of his own Defectiveness

Dib reluctantly feels bad for him and backs off a bit to let Zim have his space

Zim, however, sees this as a betrayal and redoubles his efforts to get his attention

Somewhere along the way, Skoodge comes back and Zim backs off of Dib a bit, having someone else to focus attention on

Dib eventually begins to offer Zim his hand in friendship (phrased as a truce at first) and they finally make steps towards getting along

They realize they actually really like being friends

Zim eventually realizes that he’s made a life for himself, outside of the Empire

Eventually Zim, Skoodge, GIR, Minimoose, Dib, and Gaz form their own little family and explore space and hunt cryptids

(I love cryptid hunter and space exploration aus holy shit)

Day 4. If IZ had a different setting/time period

Cyberpunk??? Sure

Potential idea maybe.

Cyberpunk dystopian future

Aliens and humans intermingle, both on and off Earth

The Irken Empire has gotten bigger

Technology is advanced and cybernetics are widely known/produced

Idk man I don’t know a lot about cyberpunk, maybe this should be more for the aesthetic

Day 5. Aesthetic

Big shrug man idk

Headcanons, thoughts.

I’m a big fan of fashion Zim, and whenever I get the chance I give him clothes that are both cute and comfortable

Galaxy print leggings are a personal favorite of mine to give him

One time I wrote a little ficlet/oneshot where he wore a skirt. I should publish that some day

Uhhhhhh okay so. Dib has veeeeeery big early 2000s emo/punk vibes tbh

Scene kid GIR always makes me laugh

Gaz could pull off pastel goth like no one’s business

I’ve been here long enough to witness emo/scene hair wig Zim and his eventual fall lmfao

Pretty much everyone that redesigned them back in the day gave Zim emo kid hair that fall perfectly over one eye it was WILD

Day 6. What if IZ was a different Genre?

Uhhhh does “fantasy instead of scifi” count?

Potential idea maybe. (oops it ended up being a fantasy/modern magic au haha ooooops)

Instead of being an alien, I had the idea of, maybeeeeee Irkens are like. Elves maybe, or perhaps some kind of fae. (I don’t know much about fae, oops)

Okay bear with me here, this is all coming together in real time.

The Irkens (which is what I’m gonna call their clan or faction or subrace or whatever) still want to be the rulers or something over the humans/other mystical beings. This world of magic is hidden from humans and they live blissfully unaware. There are invaders all over the place, using magic and glamors to trick humans into thinking they’re also humans. Zim is one such invader and just to happens to end up in Dib’s town, whereupon he enrolls in Dib’s school, pretending to be a transfer student.

I have no idea why or how the Irkens invade or what methods they use, but since my biggest experience with elves is through DND, I’m going to say they’re functionally similar to certain DND elf races.

So anyway, Zim ends up in Dib’s class and Zim’s glamor just Doesn’t Work on Dib for whatever reason (maybe Dib passed his Wisdom saving throw while literally everyone else failed, idk) and so Dib can immediately see Zim for what he is.

Dib is still into paranormal type stuff, though in his world, he’s less about cryptids and aliens and more about the magical species/world(s) that he KNOWS exists. His big goal in his au is similar to canon in that he wants to expose it all for recognition and love from his father.

Zim, meanwhile, he just wants to prove himself, just like canon. I can’t decide how I want the Irken hierarchy to go in this au—that’s something to think about later, when I have more time—but whatever it is, Zim is either a) not very good at it, b) not suited for it, c) ridiculed for not fitting in to it, or d) a combination of any or all of these things. (or secret option e) he rejects it but has no where else to go. On the other hand, it maybe be none of these things.)

GIR is here too though he’s probably not a robot. Maybe he’s another kind of magical being, or, hell, maybe he’s just Zim’s little brother. I’d be okay with that.

Gaz can also see through glamors but she just doesn’t care. Tak shows up at some point to get revenge, and Skoodge also shows up at some point to stay with Zim and be his friend.

Zim is bad at blending in at first, but he eventually Does get better, since he’s not totally isolated from other Irkens here and he also doesn’t Look like an alien.

(I’m thinkin’ elves in this au look Mostly human but with a few differences. Since I’m biased and this is MY fantasy world, damnit, elves are just. Really Pretty. Ethereal and elegant and graceful (for the most part—there are always exceptions) and they’re also great at magic. Maybe Zim isn’t all that great at magic, I dunno. I’ll figure something out.)

This ended up being less of a genre change and more of a whole ass au, lol oops

Day 7. Role swap

Chanting: human zim au human zim au human zim au human zi

Drabble. This is for an ongoing species swap au that i’ve had in development for the last few years. i haven’t posted anything for it yet, but I’ve thought about it a lot

Dib freezes as Zim points the plastic water gun at his head. Zim’s eyes are narrowed, lips pursed, and he adjusts his grip almost nervously. Behind him, Gir is holding a bucket full of water balloons and a pair of neon green star shaped sunglasses. It’d be cute if Dib wasn’t aware of how painful Earth water is to his Irken skin.

Zim finally lowers his gun slightly. “I want some answers, alien.” He looks Dib over with critical eyes. “Who are you really, and why are you here?” He reaches back and Gir hands him a water balloon with a big smile. “And you better tell the truth or I’ll bust this over your big head.”

Dib grimaces and watches the balloon. “My name Dib, and I’m a scientist. I’m an Irken, from Irk, and I’m here to learn more about life on this planet.” He holds his hands up, hoping to placate the human gesture for surrender. “I’m not here to harm you or anyone else, promise.”

Zim huffs. “Yeah right. I bet you just came here to laugh at the locals.” He puts on a mocking voice and waves the gun and balloon as he speaks. “‘Stupid, stinking humans. They can’t even travel beyond their own moon, yet. What morons. I bet they descended from pigs with how horrible and stupid they are.’” He jams the gun against Dib’s chest. “Tell me I’m wrong.”

Dib bites his lower lip and looks away. He can’t deny he hasn’t thought something similar since arriving on Earth, but Zim didn’t have to be so crude and blunt about it.

The two are at a standoff for almost a minute before Zim blows out a long sigh and steps back. He turns to put the balloon back in the bucket, gives Gir a pat on the head, and shoots Dib one last glare. “Stay away from me, Dib. I have enough problems to deal with without having to worry about whether or not it’s safe for my brother to go to school or if I need to watch my back while walking my dog.”

“I wouldn’t hurt you,” Dib says, a little put out.

Zim scoffs and rolls his eyes. “Yeah, I’ve heard that one before. I know better than to believe it.” He turns and tries to smile at Gir but it comes out a little twisted and sad. “C’mon Gir. Let’s go home and get Minimoose and take him to that dog park you like so much.”

Gir gasps and lets out a cheer. “Can we go get ice cream afterwards?”

Zim gives a little laugh, smile turning a bit more genuine. “Yeah, sounds good.”

As they walk away Dib can’t help but wonder why he ever thought Zim was an Irken himself.

#izweek2020 #invader zim #invader zim week #zim #dib #role swap #species swap #iz fantasy au #to be named later #i had nooooo idea how to write about the aesthetics prompt #it really isnt a good writing prompt #tho it's given some FANTASTIC art #i wasnt gonna do this at all bc the prompts arent very writer friendly #but i wrote the angst thing and then i wanted to write some stuff for the role swap #and now here we are #enjoy!!!#mine #kiera writes fics

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dib-shit · 4 years

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Has anyone aknowledged yet that in Canon, there are about 12 human kids who are being raised by aliens in space? (From the Plague of Babies episode)

'cuz like. Imagine Dib growing up and exploring space, thinking he's the first to do so, and then he meets this race of aliens that look like human babies. Except some of them are not babies. It's like the movie Elf, but with baby looking aliens instead of Christmas elves. Turns out Dib isn't the first human to explore space and interact with other species. Get rekt nerd.

#dib membrane #invader zim #plauge of babies #iz

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isthisthingeven0n · 5 years

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arising suspicions : d.d

this was 100% adorable and is 100% fluff. I combined this request from earlier today with one from a few days ago, so I hope you enjoy :) (ya’ll wanted more david as a dad, so you got what you wished for)

Sitting on the toilet seat I stare directly at the stick in complete shock. “Fuck.” I mumble to myself as the results tell me what I had anticipated all along. I’m pregnant.

I hear a small knock on the door and David pops his head through the wooden panels. “Are you alright?” He nervously asks as he licks his lips before kneeling down in front of me, just about keeping the results out of his view. “Well?” A small smile forms on his face that eases my nerves.

Sighing I close my eyes as I turn it around, showing it to him and hearing the room fall silent. “I’m pregnant.” I state with little emotion as they all swirl around my brain, all lost in the sea of what is happening.

Hesitantly I lift my head up and open my eyes. As I see his face, a bright smile across his face I let out a watery laugh, covering my mouth before I choke a sob. David shuffles closer and takes the pregnancy test in his fingertips. “We’re pregnant, hi baby.” He places his hand on my stomach, rubbing circles delicately on my skin. “Oh my god.” He sniffs and wipes his eyes. “We’re going to be parents.” He half laughs as we both sit there in complete shock and awe of what the future will hold.

It’s been a few weeks since we found out I’m pregnant, but we don’t want anyone finding out just yet. We know what’ll happen if they find out, plus David will want to make it into some elaborate video like Josh did. Not that I can blame him, this is pretty big news.

“So, what’re you thinking of for today?” Scott asks all of us as we all sit around.

I glance over to David who brings me closer to him as I lie on my back, the pregnancy symptoms have already been getting progressively worse.

Shrugging my shoulders the others start suggesting ideas. “How about we use the paintball gun and play some game?” Zane suggests as he reaches down and picks it up.

He spins it around, pointing it at all of us and David defensively stands up and blocks Zane from my view. “Outside only guys.” David sternly states and I catch Carly and Kristen share a look.

“Since when?” Jonah chimes in and I reach out and pull David’s sleeve and shake my head.

“No worries guys. David’s not been sleeping great.” I explain as I try to get off of the sofa effortlessly despite the aching in my back. “Come on Zane, you can have your fun outside.” I pat his back as I take the gun from his grip and we all walk outside.

Everyone starts filming for their vlogs as Scott suggests a Christmas themed version of a game they played ages ago. This time they’d be dressed as Elves whilst David would be Santa. The Elves would have to get items into the bucket and once they did Santa would stop gifting the Elves their ‘presents.’

I sat outside with Carly and Erin whilst they got ready. “How come you’re not being our sexy Mrs Claus, eh?” Erin nudges me and I laugh lightly.

“Trust me I’m not feeling that sexy these days.” I state, my mind casting back to violently vomiting most mornings whilst David rubs my back and force feeds me crackers to help.

The doors open and we see the boys all filing out. I hold up David’s camera, knowing he’ll appreciate these clips for some slow mo action shots later when it comes to editing.

All of them follow behind David who holds the paintball gun up high. For now Scott, Todd, Jonah and Zane keep their heads up high as they carry Santa sacks full of random objects.

“You ready boys?” Carly calls out as they all take their positions around the garden.

They make some nervous noises as David stands in the middle of the garden with a blindfold around the top of his head. “You might wanna go inside baby.” He mumbles to me and I shake my head.

“I’ll stand right next to you, or behind you. I won’t be in the firing line that way.” I say, trying not to cause any alarm as to why I’m not around. “Everythings fine.” I whisper to him as I see the concern arising in his eyes.

Shrugging his shoulders he lowers the blindfold and I tighten it for him before standing directly behind him.

And then the madness commences.

A mixture of screams and swears sound from the four of them as their Elf outfits slowly become spotted with orange and regret from willingly signing up for the game.

Zane pushes Toddy towards the pool as he quickly runs up the bucket and drops in a Dildo before lifting his arms up proudly. “I did it baby!” He shouts and David quickly turns, firing directly at him. “Fuck you David!” He screams out in pain before heading inside and standing behind the glass.

Soon after the others slowly file out or find a hiding spot, and the game comes to a close.

David lifts the blindfold up and has a bright smile on his face. “How’d I do?” He excitedly asks as the guys all emerge and stand in a line. “Holy shit.” David comments as the guys reveal the puncture wounds and forming bruises on their skin.

“You know David if I were pregnant a shot here would’ve killed the baby.” Toddy comments and I feel a shiver go through my spine.

I glance down and see David’s fists clenching, and I quickly intervene. “Best get outta the elf costumes if you hope to return them or get the paint out?” I suggest and they all murmur in agreement.

David drops the gun and turns to face me. “Imagine if that was you though? I don’t think it’s safe for you to be around whilst these kind of pranks are happening, Y/n.” He takes me in his arms and hugs me tightly.

Closing my eyes I sigh. “I can fend for myself Dav-”

Over the top of my voice, I hear a loud laugh coming from towards the back door. “Oh revenge is sweet, Dobrik.”

Quickly I turn my head and suddenly I feel an intense pain spreading through my left thigh. “MOTHERFUCKER!” I scream loudly as David grips onto me as I yell. “Zane?!” I glare over to him and sit down on the ground, seeing a large splatter of Orange drip down my leg.

As I lift my head up I see David storming over to Zane, his fists clenched tightly. “Zane what the fuck?” David angrily states as he shoves Zane and he drops the paintball gun.

I force myself to stand and Scotty runs over, helping me to my feet. “David! I’m fine.” I yell, but I can tell he’s not listening.

“Come on dude, I didn’t mean to hit Y/n, I was aiming for you.” Zane says, a nervous laugh sounding from him as he looks around at all of us, wondering if this is some prank.

“No, I don’t think it’s funny dude. Get the fuck out of here. She could’ve been seriously hurt!” He shouts right in Zane’s face and I run over, pulling him away from Zane.

“Dave,” I take a hold of his face, resting my hands on his cheeks. “we’re fine.” I say in a hushed tone and his fists ease as does his jaw. “We’re all okay, it was an accident.” I tell him and he weakly nods.

“Wait, we’re fine?” Kristen calls out and I silently swear to myself. “Wait, no.” She starts, unable to finish her sentence.

Turning around I look at all of them. Kristen and Scott share a look and his mouth drops open. “Holy fuck.” He laughs. “You’re pregnant?” He states and the others all look at me blankly.

“No she’s not.” Toddy states and looks at the two of us. “No, you can’t be.”

I glance up at David who looks down at me. “Yeah, we’re having a baby.” He says sweetly as he rests his hand on my stomach. “And no, none of you get dibs on being Godparents or having them named after you!”

I quietly laugh as they all start bombarding us with questions, giving name suggestions and planning ahead. “Guess this is it now?” I ask David who nods, a big grin on his face.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

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squirrel-princess · 5 years

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Haunted Mansion D&D

Hello! I’m in a session again, so more out of context quotes!

In this campaign, we have Wayne (Human Fighter), Chi (Half-Elf Cleric), Bell (Tabaxi Wizard), Jort (Human Barbarian), and Kallista (Tiefling Paladin, aka me). We’re investigating a mansion after all the water in the neighboring town turned to blood (and that’s not even the weirdest thing about this town).

DM: *puffing on a cigar (chocolate pirouette) giving recap exposition*

Chi: (after a long rest) “Five more minutes!”

Wayne: (OOC) “This wasn’t in the recap!”

DM: “Roll to Jaws”

Jort: “I enter slowly.” Chi: “I enter fast!”

DM: “You have discovered the kitchen!” Chi: “Is there room for cartwheels?” DM: “No” Chi: “Goddammit”

DM: “Roll to avoid sludge!” Bell: “Nat 20!”

Jort: “Don’t lick strange things.” Chi: “I lick your face!”

Wayne: “I kick the suit of armor with the greatsword” Kallista: “What?”

DM: “The knife terrifies you so much you throw the knife away”

DM: “Mary takes the great axe from the suit of armor” Jort: “Fuck! My axe! I called dibs!”

Wayne: “I stab Mary in the back” DM: “You backstabbing hoe”

DM: “The baby seems parasitic and fiendish” Kallista: “I want to burn it”

Kallista: “Bell burn the baby!”

DM: “Due to Wayne’s meddling with the chest, the other motherfucking suit of armor comes to life”

Wayne: “I’m having fun” Bell: “None of the rest of us are having fun”

Group at Wayne: (OOC) When will you learn? Your actions have consequences!”

DM: “Roll to whip”

Wayne: (OOC) “Chi is into BDSM”

DM: “You play Heart and Soul as you ascend”

DM: “Y’all cheerily make your way up the dreary stairs”

Chi: “This roof was not as easily bonkable as I previously expectorated!”

Chi: (OOC) So we actually did play Heart and Soul!”

Bell: I open the book” DM: “There appears to be nothing in it” Chi: “There’s a secret door one!” Jort: “I start pulling down books” DM: (after all the books are on the floor) Congratulations, you’ve managed to destroy a regular library”

Chi: (OOC) “Chi immediately starts playing Heart and Soul again”

Chi: “I mean I’m always down for setting books on fire”

Bell: “Jort can you stop bopping for a second?”

Chi: “I’m not counting but that’s the fourth room”

Bell: (OOC) “I don’t wanna hear Heart and Soul as the only song for the rest of my days!”

Chi: “I take it back I counted wrong it was never my strong suit!”

DM: “The heirlooms have an increasingly ominous aura” Bell: “Wayne don’t touch those”

DM: “Chi somersaults over Kallista and grabs the key out of midair”

Chi: “This is just like Harry Potter!” Bell: “What’s that?” Chi: “I don’t know”

Wayne: “Let’s run!” Chi: (OOC) “Chi, exhausted from all the piano stuff, is excited to run”

DM: “Arcana check” Chi: (OOC) “I roll a four” DM: “You temporarily forget there is magic in the world”

DM: “Chi triumphantly sprints down the hallway-” Chi: (OOC) “Don’t tell me what I do!”

DM: “You see your old arch nemesis Mary” Kallista: (to Bell) “Burn her!”

Wayne: (OOC) “Where did you come up with this?” DM: “It was a dream I had”

Kallista: “Die demon spawn!”

DM: “You see stairs that are not piano stairs” Kallista: (OOC) “Are they oboe stairs?”

Chi: “It’s like an escalator!” Bell: “That’s a made up word” Kallista: “All words are made up, honey”

Bell: “I call the bed!” Wayne: “You wanna sleep in the dead woman’s bed?”

Tags under the cut

@pepin-the-short

@littleblueweirdo

@iultimatenerdqueen @4eheretic this is the campaign I was telling you two about last week

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teruthecreator · 6 years

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Who She Wants to Be

ummmmmm, so this was supposed to be a short lil’ thing based on @tazdelightful‘s blupjeans baby that i’ve had many a thought about because i needed a reason to start writing again

buuuuuuut then i made it 11 pages long and oops! pobody’s nerfect i guess!! (theres a brief mention of drugs/drug use, but its pot and its also like literally two lines but just thought id mention)

She was born in a ring of fire. Ravens croaked and cawed, perched diligently all around the Raven Queen’s chamber, watching with beady eyes as she was birthed. Blessed by two powerful goddesses upon birth, she opened her eyes to a shadowy room and the teary-eyed faces of her mother and father. Her mother gasped at the sight, while her father could barely contain the tears that were flowing in streams down his face. A dark mass, looming past those faces, seemed to radiate a loving warmth from its being as it addressed the two:

“She is beautiful,” Her parents nodded in response, too overwhelmed to produce a verbal response.

“She’s our beautiful Marlena,” her father whispered hoarsely, and then a strange mass passed over her line of sight as he moved to cup her face.

She was born in a ring of fire, in the presence of two powerful goddesses, in the realm of the Raven Queen.

And all Marlena Bluejeans could do, in that exact moment following her birth, was scream as loud as humanly possible.

---

At age four and a half (the half was extremely important), Marlena decided she only wanted to wear polka dotted corduroy pants, and only polka dotted corduroy pants.

“Lena, sweetie, please come back!” Her father could be heard shouting down the hall as Marlena races to the steps, giggling all the while. She reaches the stairs and clumsily bounds down them to the first floor, her father’s worried voice echoing through the large home. On the first floor, she makes a mad dash to the kitchen, where her mother was making lunch.

Upon arrival, Marlena immediately ducks behind her mother’s legs, still giggling like a madwoman. Her mother pauses her vicious stirring of something to peer at her runt of a daughter, a mischievous smile tugging on the corners of her lips.

“What’s goin’ on, lil’ stinker?” she asks, just as her husband rounds the corner and skids to halt. Marlena giggles even more as her father takes two steps into the kitchen, then leans over the island counter to desperately catch his breath. Not even her mother can hold in her laughter, as she lets out a snort and asks, “You good, Bear?”

He nods his head into the counter, taking a couple deep breaths before lifting his body off of the counter and presenting the lilac purple t-shirt he’s been clutching in his hands.

“Shirt. Please. Wear.” He pants, which prompts his wife to finally get a proper look at her daughter. And, just as her husband implied, she was most certainly not wearing a shirt. Her favorite pair of purple-and-pink polka dotted corduroy pants, yes, but definitely not a shirt.

Marlena giggles some more as her mother shakes her head.

“We’re not goin’ out anywhere, babe, just let her wear the pants.” She says, taking the few steps to reach her husband and kiss him on the cheek. “Let her be rogue for the short time she can be.”

“B-But, honey, she needs a shirt--”

“And you need a new pair of work pants because, if last I checked, somebody ‘accidentally’ burned a hole in his old pair. But you don’t see me dragging your ass out to the store any time soon, huh?” Her husband considers this, face tinted with an embarrassed blush, before conceding.

“Alright, alright,” he says, causing both mother and daughter to cheer. He smiles and shakes his head, scooping up Marlena and pointing a playfully-strict finger at her. “But when we go to dinner with Uncle Taako and Uncle Kravitz tomorrow, you are wearing a shirt.”

Marlena giggles and nods her head, though she knows well enough that her father will give up again; just like he’s done countless times before.

---

At age eight, Marlena learns Magic Missile. Which is, admittedly, pretty great; figuring no one taught her Magic Missile. But it’s also pretty bad because that means no one is expecting her to know Magic Missile, which makes them finding out even more of a catastrophe.

“Pshaw, psh psh pew! Take that!” Marlena cries out from the living room of her uncles’ apartment, playing pretend-magic with her Uncle Taako’s Krebstar. She bounds over the plush couch and does a tuck-and-roll as she avoids shots from her invisible assailants.

Nearly ten feet away, in the kitchen, her Uncle Kravitz worries.

“Love, is it really safe for her to be playing with your magical focus?” he says, chopping a head of iceberg lettuce with practiced ease. “What if she gets hurt?”

Taako pushaws at his husband’s remark, cracking some black pepper into the sauce he’s been working on. “The most that kid can do with that thing is let off a few sparks. And if it keeps her busy, then fine by me. I only have so much energy to keep up with a direct spawn of Lup’s energy and cook a baller dinner at the same time.” Kravitz chuckles under his breath, careful to keep his knowledge of Taako’s legitimate love and adoration of his niece to himself. He knows for a fact that that girl could ask for anything in the entire multiverse, and Taako would find a way to give her it and then some.

“As long as you’re certain--” Kravitz’s sentence is cut off by a loud exclamation of “ABRA-KA-FLIP-YOU!” before an even louder boom startles the pair. Taako’s already five feet ahead of Kravitz before he can even turn and notice the charred remains of a few priceless paintings on the wall of their living room, as well as the hole burned clean through the wall itself.

And, standing a couple of steps away from the wreckage, is the culprit; Marlena, looking both triumphant and terrified, clutching the Krebstar in a battle stance.

Both adults gape at the scene before them, unable to parse what exactly happened, when Marlena drops the Krebstar and takes a giant step backward.

“I’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorry,” she says as tears begin to build in her eyes. Before they have the chance to fall, though, her uncle lets out a wheeze of laughter.

“Holy shit this is fucking incredible,” Taako wheezes out as he waves a hand over the wreckage, mending the wall and extinguishing the flames in a matter of seconds. “Bubbeleh, you do not need to apologize for some sick-ass casting.” This seems to both confuse Marlena and alarm Kravitz.

“Taako, she just burned a hole through our wall.” Kravitz says, taking a step toward his husband. “Th-This is an obvious sign of that unkempt magical energy Barry kept saying he was detecting on her as an infant. We need to do something about that.” Taako looks back to his husband and rolls his eyes, walking the short distance to his forgotten focus and hefting it over his shoulder.

“Yeah, what we’re gonna do is invest in some targets and get this girl her own wand.” he says as he ruffles Marlena’s hair. “Ch’girl got some crazy skills already and we haven’t even taught her anything.” He looks down to address his niece with a lazy grin. “But starting tomorrow we’re gonna be holding Magic Day at your momma’s house.”

Marlena’s eyes light up, and she lets out a gleeful noise as she hugs her uncle. Taako instinctively hoists her up into his free arm to hug her properly, and Kravitz sighs fondly at the two. Before Taako can notice, though, Kravitz makes his way back to the kitchen; where a forgotten dinner needs to be finished, and a Stone of Farspeech awaits a call to his coworkers.

---

At age twelve, Marlena sits her parents down for a talk.

“You want to do what now?” Her mother asks skeptically, setting her morning cup of coffee on the table.

“I want to stay with traditional schooling.” Marlena repeats, her tone serious and unflinching even as both her parents eye her with concern and bafflement.

“But, sweetie, just last week you were complaining about those boys who keep asking you about your mother! Wouldn’t homeschooling fix that?” Her father says, hands folded in the way he does when he’s too nervous to figure out what to do with them.

“Yeah, but it doesn’t bother me enough to make me want to leave all my friends!” Marlena says.

“But it’s not like they’re giving you any new information.” Her mother adds with an accusing jab of her finger. “I’ve seen you sneaking around with Ango’s college textbooks; I know you know more than what you’re letting on! And we’re already teaching you magic, so what’s the big deal about us teaching you everything else?”

“You would learn at your own pace, and at your own leisure,” her father continues. “And just because it’s called ‘homeschooling’ doesn’t mean we’re going to force you to stay here. The rest of the family are all on-board with taking you in for weeks at a time to teach you their own tricks of the trade. Uncle Taako’s already called dibs on you for the next month!”

“You could graduate in, like, a year; just like your cousin! Doesn’t that sound great?” Her mother finishes with an enthusiastic grin, much like the one her father is also sporting. All the joy they seem to have about this idea is cut short when Marlena slams her hand down on the table.

“No!” She exclaims, her half-elf ears twitching slightly in frustration. “Because what you don’t get is that I don’t want to graduate in a year!” This causes her parents to both freeze, glancing nervously back at one another to see what the other might say. But Marlena gives them no time to say anything when she stands up and gestures angrily at nothing.

“Look, I get it. You guys both want what’s best for me, you love me, yadda yadda. But I’m not like my cousin. I don’t have a family I’m desperately trying to avoid because of personal reasons, and I don’t have a career I’m desperately trying to pursue. I’m just a kid who wants to do kid things like play kickball in Gym and write essays on topics I think are boring! You just don’t understand that I hide my knowledge from you guys because I want you to keep me in school!”

“It’s hard being me! Every other week I’m getting kidnapped by necromancers looking to use me; if I sneeze too hard sometimes I let out a bolt of lightning because I still don’t have full control of my magic; and people publish articles about me if I decide to wear the same jacket two days in a row! I just wanna be like every other middle schooler and go to school! And play soccer with friends after class! And eat Cheese Wiz straight from the can on a dare, even though I know it’ll make me puke! I just. Want. A normal life.”

She’s panting by the time she finishes, and there are angry tears building in the corners of her eyes. But she’s said what she had to say, and so she plops back down in her chair and holds her breath for a response.

“We…” Her mother mutters, eyes still wide and mouth slightly agape. “I…”

“Aw, beans,” her father says as he leans over to hug his daughter. “Lena, we didn’t know.”

“Well, we did--we did know all that other stuff--about the kidnapping and the jacket thing--but uh, we didn’t, uh. We didn’t realize how you felt.” Her mother fumbles for the right words, standing to also hug her daughter. “We’re sorry we hurt you, Len-Len…”

“You didn’t--” Marlena sniffles. “You didn’t hurt me. I just...I didn’t tell you. It’s my fault…” Her father shakes his head and reaches around to pet her hair.

“No blame game, missy. If anyone is at fault for this, it’s us,” he says sternly. “We’re your parents, and we should know when our daughter’s upset.” His wife nods as she wedges herself into the hug.

“Yeah, he’s right.” she adds with a reassuring squeeze of Marlena’s hand. “So the next time you feel something this strongly, you come and tell us. Because we’re still, uh, sorta new at this; and we don’t always catch when something’s bothering you.”

“Y-You’re not mad, though?” Marlena asks, squished between her parents in an awkward tangle of bodies and limbs. Her mother guffaws.

“Mad? Bullshit! I would’ve felt worse if we had gone through in pulling you out of school!” She pulls away from the hug to look her daughter in the eye. “Sweetie, we love you. We want what you want.”

“Unless that ‘want’ involves drugs, alcohol, crime, necromancy, et cetra.” Her husband adds.

“Yeah, except that. But if it’s something like school,” she rolls her eyes. “Go buck wild, sweetcheeks. Go play soccer out back. Play pranks on the shitty subs. Eat a bug. We just want you to be happy.” Both of Marlena’s parents lean in to kiss her on the forehead, causing Marlena to gag and push them away with a laugh. The three of them share in this moment for a while before the morning settles into its usual routine.

About an hour after the fact, Marlena clears her throat to catch the attention of her parents.

“Uh, I know we just got done with the whole ‘I wanna stay in school’ thing. But uh, if Uncle Taako still has the offer open…” She trails off, looking nervously around the room. Her mother laughs and pulls out her Stone of Farspeech.

“I’m sure he can re-clear his schedule.”

---

At sixteen, Marlena gets caught redhanded at the Spring Formal.

“It’s not what you think!” Marlena quickly exclaims, even though it is exactly what it seems. If this was her mother, it would all be over. Guns ablazing; fury absolute; no survivors. If it were her father, then it would be weird. A lot of awkward coughs, little to no eye contact, and a very stiff conversation to follow at home.

But, somehow, Marlena got the worst out of any of these options; her Uncle Merle.

“Uh-huh, suuuuure,” he says, surveying the scene before him. “It sure doesn’t look like ya were just mackin’ on this young lady, riiight.” He turns his attention to the nervous girl standing beside Marlena. “And what’s yer name, hun?”

“U-Uhhhh,” she stutters, cheeks a fiery red. “Isabelle.” Merle nods his head and runs a hand through his crunchy beard.

“Well, Isabelle, why dontcha just run on back inside the cafeteria so me and my niece can have a chat, alright?” Isabelle cannot nod fast enough, and she gives Marlena one final glance before racing down the darkened hallway and back to the dance.

The silence left behind by Isabelle’s exit is deafening, and Marlena looks far too wired to try and explain what Merle just waddled into. Merle, on his end, looks like he has all the time in the world to address the fact that he just caught his niece kissing someone at a high school dance.

“Sooooo, I’m guessin’ I don’t need to give you a talk ‘bout the birds and bees.” Merle starts off, causing Marlena to immediately shake her head. “Figured. But, uh, that girl. She, uhhhhhh, you two dating?” Marlena looks around for a couple of seconds, before looking at her heel-clad feet and nodding her head. “Figured that, too. How long?”

There’s a shift in the air around them before Marlena mutters, “Four months,” and then promptly slaps a hand over her mouth. Merle chuckles and shakes his head.

“You been around me for how long, kid, and you didn’t think I’d try an’ Zone of Truth ya?”

“I’m not exactly thinking right now, okay!?” Marlena blurts out. “I’m kind of experiencing my Worst Case Scenario at the moment, so if you could excuse my lack of oversight on you casting the same damn spell for the millionth time that would be great!” She slaps a hand over her mouth again, then drops it when Merle laughs some more.

“Geez, somebody’s feisty tonight…” Merle looks around, then shakes his head. “Come on, this is no place for a talk this.”

And then, just like that; they’re in a simple office with a long table, surrounded by cushy office chairs, overlooking a sunset-filled sky.

Marlena rolls her eyes.

“Parley. Really?” She looks at him with an uninterested stare. Merle huffs at her.

“What? I’ll have you know I’ve had some great conversations in here!”

“Yeah, and most of them ended in you dying…” Marlena points out as she walks to the table and plops down in one of the chairs. Merle laughs again and sits across from her, a chess board suddenly appearing between them.

“Hopefully this one won’t,” he gestures to the board, a silent offer that is met with a silent confirmation. He moves his first piece and leans back in his chair.

“So. Four months is a long time to go without introducing her to the family.” Merle says, watching Marlena tense before she moves a pawn. “You had any plans on having her meet us orrrr….”

“I did.” she mutters, moving another piece. “That all kind of just got ruined, though, and she’s probably never going to talk to me again, so that’s something.”

“Why do you think that?” Merle moves a bishop.

“Because people have this ill-conceived notion that you’re all these big, intimidating people; and she’s gonna get scared that you’re all going to come after her, or somethin’...” she moves another pawn.

“That’s kind of a stupid thought,”

“Why do you think that?”

“Because she’s your girlfriend!” Merle says as he captures one of Marlena’s pawns. “Listen, I may be no ‘romance expert’, but four months is a long time for relationships, at your age. If she wasn’t scared off by the thought of your family being the Seven Birds before, then I don’t think that’s suddenly going to change because one of them caught you two swappin’ spit in the Music hallway.”

“Gross,” Marlena mutters as she captures Merle’s knight.

“Listen, love is love. Once you love somebody, it takes a lot to change your mind about that.” Merle continues as he moves his rook. “Look, if Dav still hasn’t left me after alla my baggage, then I think there’s plenty of hope for you and your girl.” He captures Marlena’s king in one fell swoop and sits back again. “Now, I’m not saying you two are necessarily ‘in love’; but by the way she was lookin’ at you before she split, I think it’s pretty damn close. She wouldn’t let that go because of something dumb like this.”

Marlena stares at the board, a little dumbfounded, before letting out a little chuckle of her own.

“I guess you’re right…” She says, fiddling with her queen. “It’s just…”

“Just what?” Merle asks with a quirked brow. Marlena’s ears turn a little pink.

“It’s just I’m...afraid. Of what Mom and Dad will think.” At that, Merle snorts.

“Honey, you got several uncles and aunts who are in the LGBT community; and so are your own damn parents. No one’s gonna freak out at you liking girls.” Marlena huffs and shakes her head.

“Not about that!” She replies, her voice cracking. “About...the time…”

“About the fact that you waited four months to tell them you have a girlfriend?” Merle says, to which she nods. Merle pauses for a minute, running his soulwood hand through his beard a few times, before having an idea. “Well, how about I don’t tell anybody about this little fiasco, as long as you promise me that you’ll bring Isabelle to the next family dinner?” Marlena looks up at Merle in shock. “That way it gives you a coupla weeks to figure out how you wanna go about it. That sound good?”

“Y-Yes!” She blurts, this time without any magical prompting. “You got a deal!” She reaches over the table to seal the deal with a handshake, to which Merle complies. “And, uh, thanks. I guess. For being cool about this.”

Merle hops off the chair and shrugs.

“Eh, that’s what makes me the ‘Chill Uncle”. Now let’s get you back to the dance, so your principal doesn’t think I snuck off the property to smoke some pot.”

And in another blink of an eye, they were back in that dark hallway. Marlena smiles at Merle one last time before running off to meet up with her girlfriend, leaving Merle to linger in the hallway.

“Ah, young love.” He sighs wistfully, watching Marlena’s figure disappear around a corner. He stands there for about another two minutes before shrugging and reaching into his pocket.

“Well, guess no one’ll miss Ol’ Merle tonight.” He says, waddling towards the back entrance, joint in hand.

---

At age eighteen, Marlena graduated second in her class. She claimed it was because of a class she struggled with her Junior year, but her closest circle of friends know it’s primarily because she didn’t want to seem like she was handed the title of valedictorian. And if that left her girlfriend of two years at the very top, then that was only a bonus.

At graduation, Marlena doesn’t look for her family in the seats, because she can hear them several miles away.

“THAT’S MY GIRL!!!” Her mother screams from her seat, much to the dismay of the security guard standing a mere two feet away. “HI BABY!!!! WE LOVE YOU!!!” Not even her father, who is the more reserved of the two, is holding back his enthusiasm; screaming his fair share of positive words and firing off a few harmless sparks of magic.

Marlena rolls her eyes with a fond grin as she takes her seat in her row. Isabelle is beside her, reaching out to take her hand and give it a good squeeze. Marlena looks at her and gestures with her head back toward the crowd.

“If anybody asks, they aren’t my family.” She says, earning a small chuckle from her girlfriend.

“Then whose dinner did I crash last weekend?” Isabelle asks, earning herself her own giggle. The ceremony cuts their banter short as their principal addresses the crowd. After a performance from the Senior Choir, Marlena gets up to deliver her speech to the crowd. Isabelle shoots her a thumbs up as she reaches the stage, and Marlena smiles as she makes it to the podium. She’s never been one for public speaking, but this speech has been rehearsed enough times to where she could recite it without the paper in front of her.

“I was born in a ring of fire.” She begins, her voice echoing down the rows of families. “Ravens stood attentive around the room when I was born, and I was blessed by the powers of both the Raven Queen and Istus. When I was born, it has been said that both life and death stood at a perfect balance. And then, I screamed.”

“I screamed and screamed, and even when my mother tried to comfort me, I still screamed. My father told me that I screamed for an entire day, and it took being place in my crib to get me to stop. Now, I don’t know what this means entirely, but I can assume it means what I’ve always thought of myself: that I’m not special. I’m not special because, at the end of the day, I screamed like every other baby that’s ever been born does. I’m not special because I still slept in a crib, and I still wore diapers, and I still crapped my pants.”

“So when the world started telling me I was special, I was confused. Who decided I was special? It certainly wasn’t me; nor was it my parents. I was a kid, like every other kid on the planet. And I grew up, just like everyone else does. Now I’m graduating, just like every other kid sitting in these seats in front of me. I’m no different than your child, or anyone else’s child.”

“So I guess what I’m trying to say is: make yourself who you want to be. Set your own goals; follow your own path. Don’t let what others try and tell you be what you are if that’s not how you feel. Be the person you want to be. And if that person goes off to college, then that’s great. If not, then that’s great too. Because society doesn’t have the right to decide who you get to be. The only person who gets to decide that is you.”

“I was born in a ring of fire, in the deepest part of the Astral Plane, surrounded by goddesses with immeasurable amounts of power. But I still screamed, just like every other baby did when they were born.”

Her speech was met with thunderous applause, and a lot of erratic cheering from her family members. And, as she went back to her seat and watched the first solo performance of the ceremony, she smiled to herself.

Her name is Marlena Bluejeans, and she is exactly who she wants to be.

#taz #the adventure zone #blupjeans #barry bluejeans #lup taz #taako taaco #kravitz taz #merle highchurch #brief taakitz mention #brief davenchurch mention #lena bluejeans #oc baby #tazdelightful #ignorance cloud on #i started this around 8 and it is now 12:30 AM lord help me #this is what happens when u graduated highschool two days ago kids #u run out of things to do #so u spend hours on a fic no one will probably ever read #anyway thanks for coming to me ted talk

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