#either way i've made it into a little mental movie and nobody can take it away from my brain ( •̀ ω •́ )

[francoulduseaplan]

fuck it

petition for rhys darby and taika waititi to put on their little gay pirate costumes and sing "love led us here" from muppet treasure island

#our flag means death #stede bonnet #edward 'blackbeard' teach #blackbonnet #it would heal me i just know it #wouldn't even have to be good quality or the full song #i just want it to happen (even tho i know it never will) #either way i've made it into a little mental movie and nobody can take it away from my brain ( •̀ ω •́ ) #my post #things to read

[dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram]

What did you think of that Matty Healy New Yorker profile? 👀

I've a lot of thoughts about this profile - and another ask where I'll talk about him more generally.

The article came out late evening New Zealand time - so I had an experience I've had a few times of seeing stuff as I'm going to bed, before anyone has reacted to it - and knowing I'll wake up to the reaction.

And in this case I was fascinated by the profile - but also could very clearly see how bits of it would be understood and the negative response that's coming. I want to focus on what was to me the most interesting part of the interview and which I could see that people were going to hate:

“But it doesn’t actually matter. Nobody is sitting there at night slumped at their computer, and their boyfriend comes over and goes, ‘What’s wrong, darling?’ and they go, ‘It’s just this thing with Matty Healy.’ That doesn’t happen.” “Maybe it does,” I said. “If it does,” he said, “you’re either deluded or you are, sorry, a liar. You’re either lying that you are hurt, or you’re a bit mental for being hurt. It’s just people going, ‘Oh, there’s a bad thing over there, let me get as close to it as possible so you can see how good I am.’ And I kind of want them to do that, because they’re demonstrating something so base level.”

I am much more sympathetic to this than most commentary I've seen, but before I explain why I'll say the ways that I think is not true - and also not a reasonable thing for Matty Healy to say.

Because my very first thought when reading this was - 'Matty Healy, who are you to call someone mental?' And more than a statement about how he navigates the world (although it's not not that) - by that I mean - he is obviously someone who is fascinated by the fan performer relationship. He is fascinated with and his whole career is based on the way fans give meanings to performers. He's talked a lot about that feeling himself. Of course Matty Healy has meaning to people - of course there have been people (with and without boyfriends) slumped over their computers, because they have an emotional reaction to what he said. It's both childish and absurd to pursue stardom and a fandom for decades and then respond to people having a problem with your actions by claiming that nobody should think you're that important.

But the other way to take 'who are you to call other people a bit mental Matty Healy?' is to take the sting out of the idea. If I'm a little bit mental, and so is Matty Healy, and his fans - if the assumption is that everyone is a little bit mental in one way or another (which is certainly a basic assumption to how I navigate the world) - then I read what he said in another way. I think that Matty Healy was saying something that is interesting, resonant, and not always articulated.

What he is saying about false outrage - of people wanting to get close to and claim a personal stake in certain sorts of controversy - that resonated with me - as I've watched the different ways on-line dynamics play out.

I first thought about this in terms of amplification. I remember when the first Hunger Games movie came out and Jezebel ran a piece about people (none of whom had very many followers) who tweeted about caring less about the Rue character, because she was black. Writing that article greatly increased the number of people who saw these tweets. I think that decision can be defended (although I suspect it was made on clickbait terms - rather than principled ones). But what I found indefensible was that afterwards the journalist tweeted something like 'Oh no I really hope Amandla Stenberg doesn't hear who don't care about Rue'. I thought then you can't have it both ways - you can't bring terrible things to a wider audience and then act as if the fact that more people know about them now has nothing to do with you. (I thought of this when I saw people blaming Taylor for the fact that teenage girls knew about the porn site mentioned in the podcast)

But it's not just about amplification - the dynamic Matty Healy names is a very real and human one. I've always been very suspicious of the politics of designating an individual man 'a sexist' or an individual white person 'a racist'. It suggests that they want to treat racism and sexism as things that are rare, unusual, and reside in the individual. And often this is part of erasing and denying their own racism. I think there's some of that going on here - particularly at some of the hyperbolic reactions from white people. Such as claiming Taylor was making them unsafe by inviting Matty Healy to Eras shows (the idea that what we know of Matty Healy's behaviour would make him stand out as dangerous in a crowd of 70,000 Americans - is totally disconnected from reality).

One of the reasons I find what Matty Healy said so interesting - is because I think it and don't say it. I often get anons who express very strong emotions that I just don't believe. They'll say they're outraged or offended or something, and it just doesn't ring true. I wouldn't frame it the way Matty Healy does - as getting close to the bad thing. I have always thought it in stan terms - anons are performing outrage as part of black and white thinking of standom. But I really like Matty Healy's framing.

If I was being generous with myself I'd say the reason I don't say anything is that I could be wrong - and for me 'what is the impact if I'm wrong' is quite a big factor in how I behave. Taking a risk that I'm telling people that their offense isn't real is something that I'm cautious about. But what this does mean is that I am part of creating and promoting something really false - and I do think that promoting that false idea of the politics of being offended is damaging - it's not something that I want to do. (For those who are new here and haven't seen me link to it dozens of times before, I think Racism is a system of oppression not a series of bloops by Gary Younge is a really important articulation of what is at stake here).

But as well as finding it interesting that anyone says things that I find myself not saying - I think it's particularly interesting coming from a celebrity. So much of what celebrities say about fans is just baby food - totally pureed and anything that might be interesting removed. 'Blah, blah, blah I have a really special relationship with my fans.' There's nothing true or real about any of it - because in general for a celebrity to say most things that are true is too high risk.

I do think what Matty Healy was saying was mostly true - particularly if you take away all the connotations of 'a bit mental' (if you take that to mean overinvested in - or even just fan). And there is something to be explained here - there is a gap between what he has done - and the response over the last few months. Some of that gap is about stan culture - but not all of it something else is going on.

I also think he's hiding behind the fact that some people are being outrageous. The people who are declaring him the worst people in the world, or suggesting that he's a danger to fans, or writing ridiculously long threads about their own accountability - they are lying and I like that he says so. But if some people are criticising you in an unjustified and absurd way that's not a good reason to ignore everything that is being said to you.

I find myself returning to the idea of standing - and asking if I have standing in a particular issue. I can have an opinion on things - whether or not I have standing. But if I don't have standing then there's no reason my opinion should matter to anyone else. (There is something in here that I haven't fully unpacked about the individualisation of all this).

There are plenty of people with standing here - Ice Spice, Rina Sawayama, fans of the 1975 who listened to the podcast and heard people like them talked about in degrading ways. The fact that someone who has never listened to the podcast and is misrepresenting it - doesn't change what was said on that podcast.

That's a lot to say about 116 words - so I'll stop. But I would love to know what Jia Tolentino said yes. And I'd want to push on the implications of a popstar believing that people who were invested in what they say were 'a little bit mental'.

#I do think part of the reason that I have responded to everything that is happened #with interest #(besides the fact that the last few months have been a time of illness and injury for me) #Is that after following 1D for 8 years #Someone who says things is such a contrast

[juriyuna]

how about miyu, for the ask game now?

baby girl. baby.

Why I like them: I first started liking her when she got introduced because her skittish personality and her thing with San caught my interest. Then DB came out and gave her a proper design and she's SO!! CUTE!!!!! she reminds me of a little baby pangolin i love her so much... her live2D animations are perfect ;_; And it's kinda funny to me that someone as small and timid as her is sort of a jock, haha. Usually fitness buffs are tough/boyish characters.

When she was released as playable, her MSS bumped her up from "I like her a lot" to becoming one of my favorite characters in the game. I wasn't quite expecting to get such a real depiction of what it's like to have an anxiety disorder, but. Man. F4 knocked it outta the park. idk if the writer was drawing on personal experience, but they did a great job here either way.

Her tendency to talk nonstop and jump from topic to topic, sometimes to the point of forgetting to give others a chance to speak (or not realizing that the topic is inappropriate until it's too late and she's horribly embarrassed), is unfortunately relatable as well lol..... _(:3 」∠)_

I've said this before, but I wanna restate that I love the fact that Miyuri is explicitly gay and nobody ever comments on it. She sometimes worries that her thing™️ for legs is weird/gross, but that's because she knows most people aren't as into it as she is, not because she's only interested in girls. + she's got a preference for muscles so bonus points for having taste

overall a good girl; I wanna give her a weighted blanket and a pat on the head

Why I don't: look i'm glad her magical girl outfit has a helmet because safety first and all but why is it so big. it reminds me of toad from mario.

Favorite episode (scene if movie): Definitely her MSS! It has a nice mix of cute/funny and serious moments, and moves between them without being jarring. It does a really good job of exploring her character. I don't think it's up on the English patch yet, but it's one of my favorite MSSes in the game.

To talk about a specific scene, I really liked the flashback to when she made her contract. She worked hard to be able to make it into an inline skating tournament, but between general anxiety/stage fright and the fact that the venue is full of hot girls with fit, toned legs (ah, the "excitement → adrenaline → anxiety" pipeline), she's on the verge of completely breaking down.

Trying to distract herself isn't working. All she can think about is how pathetic she feels for getting scared like this. She wants to run away, but she can't. Kyubey, of course, chooses this opportunity to come peddle his contracts. Upon seeing a "talking white tanuki", Miyuri is now even more freaked out, and thinks she's gotten so scared that she's hallucinating. Kyubey denies this, so Miyuri then assumes that this has to be some kind of mean-spirited hidden camera prank or a scam. (SO close to recognizing Kyubey for what he is and not making a contract. So close. God...)

He starts prying her for her problems, asking if what she wants is to win the competition. She says she does- then clarifies that she actually doesn't even care if she wins; she just wants to be able to have fun like everyone else.

Miyuri: "I don't have anxiety because I LIKE it! And I didn't CHOOSE to end up with a leg fetish! I'm not different from everyone else because I WANT to be!"

Miyuri: "Why- why can't I just be normal…? Even though San-sama did her best to help me… There's no way I could ever face her again like this!"

(which... argh. yeah. "why can't i just be normal" is a mood and a half. mourning the loss of who you could have been if your brain functioned like a Normal Person's is soul-crushing. feeling like you're letting your loved ones down because of a mental illness you have no control over is awful too.)

Kyubey, of course, says he can help. Miyuri takes him up on the offer, asking him "Please make every second of every minute of my panic attacks go by faster!"

After Miyuri finishes relaying this story to the rest of NM, Shigure asks her why she didn't just wish to get rid of her anxiety or her leg fetish. Miyuri answers that when Kyubey approached her, she was seconds away from passing out; she was not at all in her right mind to weigh her options here.

That... blows so much. Miyuri even realized herself shortly after contracting that she could've made a more practical wish. Her anxiety is just as bad as it was before, and her leg fetish too is still just as much of a source of stress as always. But at the time, she was so caught up in how scared she was that she just wanted that hell to be over with.

What makes it hurt even more is that she was originally excited about the powers she got with her contract. Knowing that if she gets too scared, she'll black out and basically go on autopilot until the task is done, gave her a little confidence. No matter how rough a situation is, if she can't do it herself, her magic will carry her through. She doesn't need to push herself as hard to be brave anymore.

Then she discovered that she goes into a blind frenzy when she fights witches, tearing apart everything in her path-- which is very effective for killing the enemy, but puts her allies' lives in danger as well. Poor thing is so afraid of witches that she can't even stay conscious, but she can't fight alongside other people because she's (understandably) horrified to think that she could mangle them and have no idea until she comes to afterwards.

Man. Miyu got totally boned here. :(

Favorite season/movie: well, uh, arc 2

Favorite line: "... Why can't I do the same things as normal people?" in ep.2 of her MSS probably hit the hardest for me, emotionally. But I just talked about a similar line for "favorite scene", so I'm gonna pick her homescreen Tap 4 quote:

"Ehehe… ♪ The way San-sama looked here was soooo amazing…! …*gasp*! D-did you… see my photo folder…? P-please don’t tell anyone! For goodness’ sake, don’t…!"

It's not anything special, but it makes me smile. :') Her little laugh at the start sounds so-- "lovestruck" is probably a good word for it. It's so cute!! It's sort of funny that she's embarrassed about it given how shameless she can be, haha. I suppose there's a difference between deliberately showing a certain side of yourself vs. other people seeing it by accident, though. (still, it's not like any of her friends would be surprised that she has a bunch of pictures of san saved lol)

Favorite outfit: I like both her school uniform and magical girl outfit, but her school uniform is the one I usually use on my homescreen! Her oversized sweater is adorable.

OTP: Sanmiyu!!! Right up there in my top 5 magireco ships, honestly; it feels so My Brand™️ that it's almost embarrassing lol... I've got a fondness for this type of master-servant type ship to begin with, so I was like 👀 from the start. saw the line "when she loses consciousness, she becomes my doll" and knew i was doomed

MAN I don't even know where to begin they're just... perfect together. Miyuri is completely smitten with San-- beyond the obvious fawning over how hot San is, she's got some really cute lines like "I've loved you from the very first time I laid eyes on you...!" and "I'm falling for you all over again!" ;_; She admires San so much, and works hard to make her proud. While she's happy to work under San as her "secret weapon", she says that one day, she hopes to be strong/brave enough to fight beside her instead.

Speaking of the "secret weapon" thing, I was expecting that to be magic-related, but nope-- Miyuri is just so in love that San's voice is the only thing that gets through to her when she's in her blacked-out state. She trusts San enough to act as her guiding light when everything goes dark. Oh....... (´༎ຶོρ༎ຶོ`)

I appreciate that Miyuri has seen San anxious, flustered, upset, or otherwise "uncool", and still thinks she's the best. It's not like she's only ever seen San's tough, capable side and totally idealized her from that. Honestly, I kinda feel like knowing that San isn't perfect might be part of what makes her perfect in Miyuri's eyes? I've posted about it before, but basically, like... San used to be pretty similar to Miyuri as a kid; she just pushed herself hard to outgrow it (which. has created other issues, but i digress). And even though she still gets worried/scared sometimes now, she does her best to push through in spite of it all. That's probably pretty admirable to Miyuri, who has such a hard time with her own anxiety.

On that note, it's not a one-sided fondness like one might expect, which is really nice to see. While San is- for a few reasons- generally not outwardly affectionate with people, it's clear that she cares a lot about her. In Miyuri's event, when she hadn't shown up at NM's base in a while, San was so worried that she kept making mistakes in everyday activities that she's normally very good at. (She tried to play it cool, but Himena was like "okay no you're def totally stressed about this. go look for miyurin")

Then the scene in Miyu's MSS where San sees Miyuri dancing alone in the moonlight, blushes(!!), and says "... She's beautiful." to herself out loud...... oh :'^)

It's sweet to me that San's subsequent moment of "I want to help her succeed" is what made her decide to become the instructor for the Feathers, too. They both inspire each other. ;;

They're also both supportive of each other in their own ways, which is cute. San helps settle Miyuri down when she starts to panic (counting with her to take deep breaths, etc.), tries to reel her in when she gets too excited, and wants to see her grow and improve-- not just as a magical girl, but as a person. On Miyuri's end, she's happy to help San with anything she needs, whether that's Community Center volunteer work, festival prep/fundraising, digging for info at the library, training NM Feathers, various magical girl duties, or simply being there when San feels hurt or worried. She might not always be able to help, but she can at least listen.

... of course, it's not 100% wholesome (i'd say "thanks miyu" but tbh san isn't totally exempt here either), but. y'know. they've got a range. (also lmao @ how san is like "if it helps you distract yourself you're welcome to think about how hot my legs are instead")

(important side note: san is the tallest person in NM, and miyuri seems to be the shortest alongside shigure. cute...)

Brotp: I didn't see Rui+Miyuri coming, but it's good! They talk via text chat a lot, and they're both into the same "Bible of the End" series that Rui's a huge fan of. Their hobbies don't have a complete overlap, but they'll let the other ramble on about her interests because they understand what it's like to get excited over a niche subject.

They also both have awful social anxiety and keep tripping over themselves trying to talk over voice chat (or in person), but at least that means they're both like "no it's okay i get it" when the other apologizes for freezing up. Thanks. :')

There's a scene in Miyuri's event where she gives Rui a very alarming phone call, talking about how she's gonna get rid of her stuff and saying things like "this is probably the last time we're gonna talk" and "thank you for everything" before hanging up.

Rui is (understandably) extremely worried. She figures Miyuri wouldn't reply if she tried calling or texting her asking to meet up. Frantically trying to come up with ideas, she opens up their chat log and scrolls back to find a photo Miyuri sent her of a flower a while ago-- she recognizes the background as the hospital in Hokuyou ward, where Miyuri comes to visit a friend. Even though Rui feels kinda like a stalker for doing this, she books it off to Hokuyou on the slim chance that Miyuri might be there.

(Miyuri is there! She's fine, thankfully; just still feeling self-conscious and guilty from An Incident earlier. But Rui helps her sort things out.)

10/10; I love seeing these skittish nerds support each other.

Headcanon: Her personal magic means she has a number of gaps in her memory, so she keeps a notebook to remind her of things she's done while unconscious. (If she... remembers to update the notebook, anyway.)

Unpopular opinion: idk how unpopular this is, but the leg fetish thing is... honestly not nearly as bad as some people make it out to be? It's not handled in a creepy/gross way, and Miyuri's not a "pervert comic relief" character, either. I feel like people saw the word "fetish", assumed the worst, and then never actually, like, read her MSS or anything. F4 managed to work this in as a serious part of her character that doesn't feel weird or out of place.

(and it's not like teenagers can't be Like That anyway. puberty is a hell of a drug.)

A wish: I want....... sanmiyu dual unit. It makes sense from a story standpoint, since Miyuri almost never fights without San by her side, so it feels like a decent possibility? The Dream™️ is a cool Hikarizuka Fire Festival alt, but I'd be down with whatever.

An oh-god-please-don't-ever-happen: While I can appreciate the merits of the angst it would bring, I hope that if the story has to kill San and/or Miyuri, it takes out both of them instead of just one. Shipping aside, they're a package deal to me, like KMR or shiguhagu-- I don't wanna see them permanently separated. ;_;

5 words to best describe them: Timid, loyal, subservient, energetic, horny

My nickname for them: "Miyu", same as her in-series nickname. :')

#sorry that this is so late!! #i swear i'll get around to the others in my inbox soon OTL #magia record #yukari miyuri #asks #hc post #long post

[batri-jopa]

The year 2022 is almost over and I see some ppl making their summaries. I never tried to make that kind of thing for myself before and it seems like an occassion for some self-analysing exercise, so...

I don't feel like just simply summarising #my art works and skill progression throughout the year - I may do that anytime just taking a glimpse at my deviantArt gallery:

Now summarising what changed in my way of thinking and how I pushed my mental limits in 2022 is much more interesting:

So first of all I beat my lifelong fear of drawing birds and feathered wings. I made more birds pictures this year than in my whole life and really good ones too (like my #bird version ATWD). Now I actually love to draw feathered wings! With all those parallel lines it feels like writing a poem or a song with its rythm, accents and rhymes... And since now I can draw roosters I'm almost not sure what so cool about dragons was any more?😆

Then I beat my fear of drawing faces of actual people / actors, especially those that I like... I learned that when I care deeply if a person looks similar and neat it is not the thing to be afraid of - on the contrary, it's the biggest motivation possible! And actually the only way I can make progress in drawing faces properly...

Meanwhile I accepted that I've been really colours-starved drawing mainly grey pencil sketches for years - and so in 2022 I gone totally wild with the rainbow in and out!🌈

I also decided to start sharing my pictures "for adults only" (on my other blog: @co-ma-piernik ). Thinking that someone might see those pieces gives me more motivation to work harder on human body proportions than when I was just doing it for myself

I finally shed the "I don't do fanarts because I am better than that having my own OCs" way of thinking. In the last 9 months I made 22 quality fanarts of the movie And Then We Danced / და ჩვენ ვიცეკვეთ solely, what's more to say? (Only that I feel kind of bad for not working on my OCs in 2022 as I initially planned... But they waited for my attention for 12 years already and it only added to their characters's developement - so I think waiting just a little more will not do them harm either. Especially when I use this time to explore other characters from movies and books and gain my inspirations... I guess further developement of my OCs is inevitable)

Any progress in my real life? I accepted who I am, what brings me pleasure and satisfaction, stopped judging myself with other ppl's social expectations and instead allowed myself to feel comfortable and happy with my life and my passion. It may not seem a lot but it does make a HUGE change: whether you think of yourself as a "nobody wants me" lonely loser - or "aware of my aromantic-asexuality" single person. So I finally gave up to force myself into "finding a boyfriend at last" (especially as I always prefered to speak with girls honestly) and now I'm willing to explore friendship and heading up to all the possible other human interactions that I can get myself involved with instead💚💜💛💙 I cut out with constantly trying (and failing) to follow recipes for heteronormative "happy family" lifestyle and decided to find and explore my own way through. Might not be as easy as following that wide path everybody else is walking but... I'm still young and strong and hopeful. Walking with my eyes and my mind open!👍

#just me #my art #2022 summary of art #summary of 2022 #summary of art #aromantic asexual #aroace #aroace positivity

[heresathreebee]

No Touching

[Ava Starr x Female!Reader]

Summary: Friend dates with Ava always brighten your day (and night). Tonight is more enlightening than brightening, though… 

Previous Masterlist Next

Word count: 1.7 words

Warning(s): 14+ | angst, gay panic, dolls, 1 (one) racist antique, Steven Segal movie, chronic pain, tears.

AN: No actually I didn't bother to edit this, not doing that anymore, I think too much as it is. As always, I write with a black reader in mind but feel free to read even if you aren't. 🖤

You are eighty percent sure that you and Ava are dating.

85%... 78%... 81.5% sure.

It would probably be best if you cleared that up (but be cool about it though). You've started seeing each other more and more, and on purpose no less. Never a dull conversation, she's reluctant to share some of her life story but she's eager to know everything about you and you're more than happy to indulge. It's not like you know nothing about her; you just don't know the specifics of her past. 

Her parents died when she was young, she's ex-military (you think?), and she just came off of a huge life change and is getting used to what she calls 'real life.' You figure out she's a bit of a shut in and hates crowds, so you go out of your way to show her quiet places and introduce her to things she's never tried before. The bowl by your front door where you put your keys has 20 or 30 marbles from ramune bottles in it. You can't seem to ring her secret out of her, she just gives you this cryptic knowing smile and laughs at your attempts to sweet talk or annoy it out of her. 

You feel so close, growing closer still, she's quickly become the best part of your week, and you catch yourself thinking about her even when she's not with you. But you've never held hands. Hell, you've never even so much as brushed shoulders with her by accident. If you're dating, shouldn't you at least hug her goodbye? Is she even able to be into you like that?? 

You try not to let the panic set in as you stand outside of the antiques mall. You told her you liked old things and promised to show her your favorite pastime. God, how do you go about this? Should you just flirt with her and see how she reacts? Also how does one flirt? What if you’re fucking up and she really just wants to be friends? God knows you could use some friends right now. 

When she does appear, you do nothing. You continue to act relaxed and enjoy her presence, promising yourself you’ll ask about it afterwards. Ava’s wearing that grey jacket again made of a thin sports fabric and you make a mental note it might rain today. 

“Ava,” you stage whisper, waving her out of the jewelry section by the front desk and into the maze of vintage old clothes and furniture. “Back here, to the left.” 

Deep deep deep in a corner of the massive store, Ava stops dead in her tracks (you run into her but back away quickly) and stares. 

“This... is…” Ava covers her mouth with her hands to hold her laughter in, “ghastly.” 

The shelf is wide, with dark wood trimming and protective glass. The lights are almost fluorescent as they illuminate dozens of humanoid dolls. Some are cute, but some are also creepy, unnerving, down right scary. 

You point at the one with the Jonbenet Ramsey likeness and deep cracks in her porcelain face. It was overly large compared to the rest, having to have stuffed legs crossed like a sitting child. "I think I fear that one the most." 

You felt Ava shiver and didn't even realize you were standing that close. Her eyes darted from face to face, taking in every terrible and wonderful detail of them. You smelled coconut in her hair and tried to distance yourself a bit, missing the conversation. "Huh?" 

"I said they're haunted, aren't they?" 

"That one definitely is." You look over the other dolls. "I don't know, I think the rest are kinda cute. 'Cept that one: that one can fuck off straight to hell." 

Down on the second shelf where the light began to struggle in reach belied an offensive porcelain joke. The decoration portrayed an over animated child at play, with oil black skin, fat red lips, and bulbous eyes. This child was dressed in white rags and sucking on a wedge of fruit. Guess which one. Fucking guess, I dare you. 

"It's not even a fucking doll," Ava grumbled. "Why is it here?" 

You leaned in to whisper, "someday, I'm gonna buy that thing just to fucking smash it on the pavement." 

"Oh, what a lovely sound it would make." 

You hum. "I'm not gonna give nobody money for that trash. Can't steal it either, we'd never make it to the door." 

Ava looked over her shoulder with a cheeky smile. "We?" 

You simply tilt your head at her, and she huffs out a laugh. She nodded as if agreeing with you, then drifted away from the case like a wary woman. You toured through the rest of the store like a treasure trove of other people's memories, war memorabilia, ancient brand merchandise (why would anyone want a life size green m&m in their house? Who is this for?), and paintings from the dadeism era by unpopular artists. You ate lunch at the vendor shops in downtown and retired to your place for a movie. 

You must have fallen asleep at the beginning but you came to during some big shootout between Steven Segal and generic Latino drug dealer #7 when you accidentally dropped your hand into Ava's lap. Quickly, Ava withdrawals, thrusting herself to the other side of the couch as if in disgust. Your head jerks up in hurt and confusion, you hadn't even felt anything except a light tingling. You could barely hear the tv audio over the sound of blood rushing in your ears. 

"You can't touch me," Ava spat. "You just can't. Ever. Please…" 

"I'm sorry. Ava, I– I am so, so sorry I didn't mean to–" 

"It's not your fault and you didn't know," she mumbled and faltered, "it's just… you can't." 

You feel tears prick in the corner of your eyes as you try to swallow. "I'm sorry. Really. It won't happen again." 

Ava looked up at you guiltily and sighed. She folded her legs and eased herself off of the couch arm rest, hands tucked into her lap and unable to meet your eyes anymore. 

"It's not what you think it is," she explained. "I… I have a condition of sorts. And it… it hurts.” 

Her words put a hold on the tears threatening to spill from your eyes. “Like a… skin condition? Or nerves or something?” 

Ava nodded quickly. “Yes. yes, like a nerves thing. My um, my nervous system. It's chronic."

“Oh Ava,” you cover your heart with a breathy sigh, “of course! I wish I’d known I would have never–” 

“It’s not something I like to talk about.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “I’m really glad you understand. Sorry I freaked out, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings or anything.” 

You tried to blow a raspberry. “It’s whatever, didn’t hurt my feelings.” 

Yeah, you could hear the weakness of the lie, too. Still, Ava went and parked herself on the couch exactly where she was before– close but not too close. Warm but not quite touching. You were ready to let it slide and go right back to pretending to watch the movie when– 

“So what’s going on between us exactly? I like girls– I like you– and I don’t mean just in a friend sort of way– is it maybe sorta possible you might feel the same way about me?” 

Who said that? You? Honestly you’re feeling a little dizzy as you try and stare a hole in the tv screen. And Ava? Well at least she didn’t hold you in suspense for too long. She chuckled– and god you had to look. You had to know if she was laughing at you or with you. Your eyes snapped to her completely unmocking face. 

She blinked at you, bit her lip even. “Yes, I am.. Capable of liking girls. Might prefer them actually. And I definitely like you in a more-than-a-friend sort of way.” 

It takes a second to sink in. OK, it takes a hot minute to sink in. Like the movie ended and you walked Ava home and you slept in until 10 am and made omelettes for breakfast at noon and laid down on your floor staring at the ceiling until sundown. Yeah that kind of hot minute. And your lips curled into a soft smile because you had a girlfriend and she liked girls and you could not be happier than you are right now. 

~

Ava asked you to meet her on the corner by the antiques mall that night. You don’t know how but she got her grubby, thieving little mitts on that disgusting tar baby doll from the haunted doll shelf. You made her swear up and down she didn’t pay real money for it, then nearly pulled out your hair when you realized it meant she definitely stole it and– 

"How the ffffUCK do you just DO that?!" 

"Slight of hand," she mused. 

Fuck, and she was a geek. Yeah, you're definitely in love. She pushes the ugly thing into your hands and despite being cold porcelain it feels like it's burning. 

"Do the honors." 

There's no build up. No ceremony. You don't want to drag this out anymore. You take a swinging leap and spike that shit and watch it shatter into a hundred pieces with the most glorious sound you'll ever hear. You land in slow motion, already replaying the image of thick glass pieces cracking on the indigo pavement. You stand over your mess, triumphant. 

The quiet of the night time street drifts back to you, as does Ava. "I'll be honest I expected a big speech." 

You shrug. "I've been waiting too long to do that. Thank you, Ava. I mean it." 

"Oh believe me it was my pleasure." Ava swaggers closer to you and if you didnt know better you'd think she was going in for a kiss. "Tonight, the tar baby. Tomorrow, the world." 

You resist the urge to clap her on her shoulders and throw your hands in the air instead. "Sounds like a date!" 

Next

#ava starr #ava starr x female reader #i have no excuse i just think she's neat #three bees writing #angst #antman and the wasp #marvel ghost

[moons-and-stars-and-shit]

It worked! Sorry to bug you with a message! But I'd like to request a cake now!

So, about me. I have an actual name but I don't think I've heard it in months😃, instead I have a bunch of nicknames! (Rion, ri, oreo, onion, o, etc), I'm actually nb so I chose that name, however I 100% consider naming myself Arson💀My pronouns are they/them and I'm about 5'5, I have short, fluffy brown hair that I usually dye the front blue. I'm Asian hispanic, but I really don't look like either- my favorite foods are either really spicy and salty or sweet. Not the overwhelming chemical sweet tho, like a natural sweet flavor. My personality type is infp, and ig when I first meet people I can be shy (that's an understatement, I was mute for the first week of school🕳🏃‍♂️) but once I get to know people I can be pretty chaotic (once again, arson). I'm not a 100% demon spawn though, I don't really like making scenes in public and I probably will cry if I do- but I still have fun lol. I'm also the person who copes with severe mental health issues using humor, to an alarming degree 😔 I'm the therapist friend when really I'm the one who needs therapy. I also have a social battery that can die at random times, so I really like/need friends who can handle random mood changes of me going from energetic to silent in seconds. Academically, I'm really book smart, I'm a tutor, but my grades don't reflect it. I tend to procrastinate a lot and avoid studying, usually I catch myself last minute or trust memory on tests, but every now and then there's something that tanks my grades. I'm not very athletic, but I still try to play sports. I enjoy the feeling when I do something right, but the rest of the time I usually beat myself up for messing up.

And now just random facts 😃👍

My favorite color is yellow, not the bright eye sore shade that makes you want to throw up, but the nice softer, light shade. And I like anything that comes with that color! (Sunflowers, flowy sundresses and flip flops, summer activities, burning concrete, warm rain, etc). Nobody knows my music taste, it changes weekly, however I usually come back to mitski/cavetown or summer themed songs a lot! I enjoy playing music, but I have the curse of being a fast learner so that usually leads to be being bored and learning a new instrument at any given chance. And my birthday is a weird date that fucks with zodiacs so I can be considered either a leo or cancer, my personality changes a bunch, so take your pick lol. (Though emotionally I tend to be cancerous, I just express it and show it in a way a leo would) And someday I wanna be a long term traveler, or a florist. Just a job that makes me happy :). And I guess if I had to classify my aesthetic it would be bloomcore or soft grunge. I like wearing big sweaters and if I could I would wear a bunch of butterfly clips in my hair and wear mom jeans. (I would also wear man crushers, I mean, platforms if I was confident)

Aaaannnnd that was really long sorry!

To sum up, I'm just a bipolar bitch with depression and anxiety 👍

Thanks a bunch for just taking the time to read this!

@oririon

Romantic Matchup

Bokuto Koutarou

How Y’all Met

IERJNDJS

I’m getting a classic summer love vibe from this matchup 👀

Ok so I just Hc that Bokuto LOVES flowers

So he would always just go to the local flower shop to look at them

Pls hes to precious I cant-

But anyways you we’re working a summer job at the flower shop

And you grew fond of our little owl boy

You would always talk to him whenever he visited

He just made your job that much more enjoyable :)

So one day you stopped him right before he left and told him he could pick a bouquet of flowers if he wanted

He BEAMED at you and picked a bouquet of flowers he always looked at whenever he came

But what shocked you was instead of walking out with them

He gave them to you!

He then went on talking about how he really liked you but didn’t know how to tell you

At this point he was just rambling

So you laughed and asked him if he would like to go to the ocean with you after your shift

He agreed and you swear you saw stars in his eyes

After your shift you met up with Bokuto and went to the beach

You guys literally spent ALL day there!

And even some of the night 👀

Being the gentleman he is offered to walk you home

And when you two got to your house he asked you to be his s/o

What They Love About You

Ok starting off with a strange one

He loves the fact that your favorite color is yellow 💛

He just thinks it fits you so well 😊

He loves that you have to ability to turn your trauma into humor

Now I’m ngl...

Ye found it extremely concerning at first 🥲

But once you explained it was like a coping mechanism for you

He was super supportive!

AAAAAAAA

He LOVES your aesthetic!

He thinks it’s so cute

And once again he thinks it fits you 👀

He appreciates the fact that your smart

If he doesn’t understand something in class

He’ll just go to you!

And honesty going over the material with him has helped your understanding as well 👀

Bokuto s grades:📈

Your grades: 📈

Favorite Things To Do Together

Oml he loves summers with you

Any summer activity

Beaches

Ice cream

Flower meadows 👀

Summer night drives

The whole shtick

But when it’s not summer

He loves doing classic seasonal activities

Examples:

Fall - Jumping in leaf piles, coffee dates, preparing for Halloween, etc

Winter - Snowball fights/Making Snowmen, Christmas movie marathons, hot cocoa/ baking, etc

Spring - Dancing in the rain, picnics, gardening etc

It’s a vibe year round with bf Bokuto

Random Hc

His favorite season is summer

And his second is winter

Ik...polar opposites

Oof

He TOTALLY gets your mood swings

Although they may not be the same as his

He still understands them and respects them

Every year on your anniversary he buys you the exact same bouquet he gave you at the flower shop

Speaking of the flower shop 👀

He got a job there with you the following summer

So you guys basically spent most of your days together

Bokuto is REALLY bad at dark humor

But for some reason he still tries 😭

It’s either TOO dark

Or not dark at all 💀

Astrology

(We’re gonna go with your cancer zodiac 😂)

When Cancer and Virgo make a love match, a strong, down-to-earth relationship with staying power is the happy result.

This is a relationship with great potential to get better and better over the passing years.

Both Cancer and Virgo are goal-oriented and disciplined.

They are sincere and devoted to one another and share a strong sense of purpose.

No lightweight love here: These two were not really built for flings!

Cancer and Virgo deeply admire one another: Virgo respects Cancer’s quiet strength and dedication while Cancer appreciates Virgo’s keen adaptability and intelligence.

These lovers may get off to a slow start, but over time, bonds will only grow stronger.

The Cancer-Virgo love match prides itself on common sense and strong principles over fluff and inconsequential or fleeting connections.

They enjoy the material comforts of life, but they will only feel good about their bounty if it has come as a result of honest hard work.

There could be tiffs if Virgo becomes too critical for Cancer’s easily bruised feelings; Cancer needs to understand that it’s just Virgo’s nature to point out what they observe, that it’s not a personal attack.

A Virgo may bristle at their Cancer mate’s stubborn streak, but it’s a trait that a patient and understanding love partner like Virgo could come to appreciate.

Also, Virgo’s urge to serve suits Cancer’s affectionate, nurturing nature well.

Their dedication to working toward the same goals.

Both partners in this love match enjoy a stable home life and nice things, and Virgo truly enjoys helping Cancer along the way to achieving their goals.

Their shared goals and desires make theirs a highly compatible love match.

Overall Aesthetic

Bloomcore 🌸

Bloom - Jesse

This Side of Paradise - Coyote Theory

Flaming Hot Cheetos - Claire

Mystery of Love - Sufjan Stevens

#haikyuu!! #haikyuu fandom #haikyuu x y/n #haikyuu hcs #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu matchups #bokuto #bokuto koutarou #bokuto x y/n #bokuto x reader

[inevitably-johnlocked]

oh well, ig my ask didn't go through ha ha. I'm just-- in a really horrible place. I've been having suicidal thoughts, to the point of thinking up multiple plans...i told my mum, and she seemed to take it as an insult to her? and now it's just-- i don't know who to talk to. there's so much. I'm so lonely. I talk to nobody, I do nothing, I am nothing. I'm afraid of dying, but I'm afraid of living too. I've got no chances to make anything of my life

Hey Nonny *HUGS*

First off, I’m not going to say I know how you feel, because everyone’s depression and mental illness manifests in different ways. Secondly, I am not a professional, so I don’t think it’s my place to tell you how you should proceed. I simply tie my similar experience in an anecdotal way in hopes that maybe they will help you too. And thirdly, you are loved and you are important.

I’m getting the vibe that you are still fairly young, and I want you to know that it DOES get better. I KNOW right now, in All This™, it seems hopeless and pointless. I GET IT. I suffer from Dark Thoughts too because of my seasonal depression that has been unending since last February – it IS something I need help with. But I find what has helped me cope a little bit better is talking with my trusted friends, getting outside on sunny days (mine is greatly affected by weather and stress), and taking time away from social media and the news and do things that I enjoy, like watch movies, bake, and do art. It makes stuff a bit easier in a period that feels like it’s never going to end.

I am saddened and disheartened that your mother is so selfish that she made it all about her. That I DO have experience with. It’s REALLY hard to trust a parent who doesn’t listen to you. She SHOULD be supportive and helping you find therapists and psychologists who can properly diagnose you or help you find coping mechanisms. That actually really upsets me, because my mother is the exact fucking same.

Actually, I did reply to a post fairly recently about Dark Thoughts that I feel will help you feel a bit better <3 Please check it out.

That said, Nonny, I do implore you to now do your own research if your mother isn’t going to help you. And if you’re feeling suicidal, find a help line in your area. Here’s some links copy-pasted from the above post:

741741 Suicide Helpline / Texting Crisis Service

7Cups Online Emotional Support Therapists

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (USA)

Crisis Services Canada

Canada Suicide Prevention Centre: 833-456-4566 || SMS: Text START to 741741

And These other links; given your usage of “mum”, I’m guessing you’re either European or Australian (though that doesn’t say much because I’m Canadian and I use mum from growing up on Britcoms, LOL):

Lifeline Australia

Suicide SupportLine (UK)

Suicide Crisis Helpline (NZ)

And finally, because I do believe you are a minor:

Kid’s Help Phone (They are Canadian, but I think they’ll be able to direct you to the proper place for your country)

I’m sorry I’m not much help outside of this, Nonny, but as I said, I am not equipped with the tools to help you, only the means of which to direct you to people who can. Also, research therapists in your area; your school may also have counsellors who can help you via Zoom chats. 

Listen, Nonny, just because you have a selfish parent doesn’t mean that other people don’t want to help you. I know it FEELS that way. The depression makes you think dark thoughts, and makes you feel hopeless. It’s a lie, Nonny. People care. 

And for what it’s worth Nonny, you’re important to me and to my Lovelies. And I think you will go on to be exactly who you need to be: yourself. Please do take care of yourself, look into one of these services if nothing else, and know that we’re here for you.

Love you Nonny <3

#steph replies #suicide cw #mental health #suicide helplines #depression cw #i am not a professional #chatting with nonnies #my advice #Anonymous

[starsandheartsforever]

Okay I wanna talk about Greg for a second because the Jasper episode got so much more attention. One reason is this post on twitter.

Okay so I love that Greg is like the most understanding and laid back parent like ever but I have a small problem with it right now because sometimes that's not what a kid needs. My mom was my strict parent while my dad was the laid back one. As I'm getting older dad's more or less the same but my mom is now all go with the flow and stuff, and it hurts. So I kind of get where Steven is with his dad right now. He loves his dad obviously but he doesn't want another friend right now. I think that's why during their trip you can notice little moments where Steven still looks unhappy. He's lost, doesn't know what to do who to go to etc like he says. A LOT of people both young and older feel the exact same nowadays and being told something like "hey just chill." "Everything will be fine / work out." "Just go with the flow." Or my personal favorite "Life's too short to be worrying or mad all of the time." That can really be like the worst thing for someone in a similar mental state as Steven to hear. Steven reacting to Greg's carefree ideals like he did is beyond relatable. (To me personally and to others) Personally I think Steven needs someone who is the opposite of his dad and the gems right now and that's why he went to Jasper. He knew she wouldn't coddle him and tell him everything's going to be fine. He knew she would look him in the eyes and say you need to stop running, stand tall and vent! And sometimes that's just what someone like Steven needs, a healthy way to vent. Training honestly can be a big help. However now there's a very real chance that he might revert back to square one if not either damn close or worse. Because he quite literally killed Jasper! He may have been able to bring her back but the fact remains the same. This is going to add a new fresh level of trauma to him on top of now she's bowing and calling him my Diamond. So here is my theory for the last four episodes based off the leaks and titles I've seen. Firstly the gems (though I love them) are way too pushy and its going to push him over the edge again and make him accidently make those Steven plants we've seen around Garnet. Maybe to try and hold them back from stopping him trying to leave. Secondly he is going to head to homeworld. This is where it get interesting. So out of all of the characters we've seen in SU there have only been 4 that could beat or come close to beating Steven that is before he manga to work things out with them. Those have been his fellow diamonds and Spinel. (And yes I am a shipper but this has nothing to do with my ship) The diamonds are the only ones who more than likely not be scared of Steven's powers. I mean I'm sure they would be shocked and worried but scared? Please we've seen what Pink was capable of. So Yellow would probably replace Jasper for his anger venting while Blue helps him cry it out. White could help with controlling his powers more (scenes we all know how good she is at that.) And Spinel well a whole damn movie was made to show us how much trauma she went through so if she can't help with that then nobody can. Rebecca is covering some serious shit here and she (as we all know) never does anything without meaning. You can't tell me we got an entire movie with Spinel as the main attraction and then just what throw her out the window especially with all of Steven's similarities to her same problems. So yeah this is my theory for the begining of the end of the series as for how it will end I still think he'll kind of take Greg's advice and take a self discovering trip. And as for corrupt Steven I do believe it's going to happen I'm kind of partial to it being an unhealthy fusion rather than corruption otherwise I think it'll happen maybe during his visit to HW. But that's what I got from Mr. Universe and Fractured along with my theory it gave me.

#steven universe #steven universe future #suf spoilers #steven universe theories

[taurealuna]

Hiii...I'm G(she/her) I'm 20... So I've been down lately. I don't know why sometimes i feel so ignored and rejected by people and i always feel like they think I'm naive. I've always felt like that but never this strong and I've never disliked myself this much until now. Partly maybe because of the ending of friendships with my only 2 closest people, i was tired of being the only one putting effort. One day i stopped initiating contact and i heard from them its been months now. That kind of made this all hard, i started noticing everything more. It always have been like this, I've been betrayed and abandoned even bullied(bullying happened during my childhood) by people who i used to call my bestfriends but this time i don't know why this have so much affect on me now. I'm struggling alot with my self confidence and insecurities and self worth.I'm trying to heal myself now and I'm trying to be self confident. I'm so sorry for this big ask, if it's not a problem can you do a reading for me?.. regarding where I'll be 2-3 years from now on mentally and in genral, any carrier advice. If you need my zodiac placements are Virgo rising and virgo sun in 1st house, Gemini moon in 9th, Libra mercury and venus in 2nd and virgo mars in 12th.

Thank you💜!!

hello G! 💜💜

firstly i just want to say that i’m really really sorry for the late reply, i hope you’re feeling better/okay now. i could sense a lot of sadness from you and i’m sorry that you’ve been through so much but i understand how you feel. i hope you remember that you’re not alone in this world!

in the next 2-3 years, i feel that you will find a certain level of emotional stability and even to a small extent, financial stability. i see that although now you have gone through such difficult times, there is hope and strength for you to grow into a better version of yourself. with the king of cups and the strength card, i believe this is an encouragement for you to look into the future and envision who you want to be. i see that you will develop a sense of individualism that nobody can tear down this time, and i feel that you will grow into someone who is kind and perceptive as well. you will be warier against people who will take advantage of you. your current situation is represented by the 9 of cups in reverse. the 9 cups represent a healthy self-image and emotional state, and with this card in reverse, it shows how broken and beaten down you are by the situations in your life and how people have left you. you are someone who treasures these friendships a lot but people often let you down, all the time. i see that these experiences helped you to recognize who you are and where your boundaries are at. it is time to alright to leave it in the past and move on from it. there could be a level of spite that can arise from these tensions with the past. facing your emotions honestly and recognizing others for who they are can help you to move past them.

justice and balance seem to be a big theme for you at the moment. right now as you’re growing into your adulthood, you are learning how to balance your impulsiveness/ desires with the world around you. there seems to be an abundance of wands energy here which signifies the fire energy. in your youth, you could have been someone who was eager to make a wide circle of friends and was chasing after a sense of community? in a way, you were clear in what you wanted however things didn’t seem to go your way. as you grow older, you start to realise what are the things that are truly important to you and you slowly learn the difference between false friendships and real friendships. i feel that you may have had a desire to be recognized by your friends and wanted them to recognize your worth and talents. i feel that it is important for you to learn how to recognize these in yourself as well. you may have had friends who exuded the same energy with you as well, straightforward and popular in a way. this reminds me a little of those popular cliques in high school movies (mean girls? but not exactly the same either) i feel that there could have been times where your ‘friends’ made you feel left out several times as well. with the moon, it is important for you to not blur your boundaries and allow others to mistreat you again. beware of those who seem nice and often compliment you, they may not mean it. many times their words could have a hidden meaning to it as well. if you are able to discern this, i feel that you will feel a lot more at peace with yourself as well. 

#tarot divination #G #💜

[valehirvas]

Hi! I need help understanding what Is gender dysphoria from a transsexual perspective because I'm confuse at my own experiences and the doctors I've seen viewerd dysphoria as only wanting to/believing you are the opposite sex and nothing more

I’m not an expert on this obviously, all I’ve got is just my own experience.

For me, it’s primarily a strong desire and a feeling of “should be” about male sex characteristics. As a child, I would often cry in my bed looking forwards in my life thinking it was already over because I wasn’t a boy, not because being a girl to me was bad in itself - I didn’t view it as limitating or see myself as lesser in any shape or form, I just didn’t feel like my body was as it should have been and the thought of never physically becoming a boy was crushing to me. This came along with various stupid childish misadventures like trying to learn to pee like a boy to feel more comfortable: let’s just say that one ended up in a disaster. I also quite classically tried to explain to my mother how I felt - that I wasn’t like a “girl girl”, I was more a boy girl. Something like that.

I didn’t have social dysphoria at this stage, because I’m very privileged in the sense that my parents and most adults around me allowed me to be exactly who I was, and those who found me disagreeable and too boyish never explicitly made it a gender issue, so I was blissfully unaware of the idea that girls weren’t supposed to act the way I was acting. I was very much a tomboy, but I was never made to feel like this was a bad thing, it was just who I was. I was in a lot of minor trouble often because of how active and curious I was as a kid, but nothing worse than doing what other adventurous kids were getting up to. For example, we liked breaking into the sewer system to chase frogs. Our parents HATED it, for obvious reasons. Things like that. But these were hardly things that only boys got into, and my friend group was rather equally split between the sexes at the time, so yeah, no, my social dysphoria did not exist at this time.

With puberty, things got a lot rougher. It’s tough to tell how much of it was because of dysphoria and how much of it was because of abuse in my life; I was targeted by a school teacher who made my life hell and triggered my depression at the ripe old age of 11, and ever since things were just really difficult for me.

I was still struggling with wanting to be a boy; I only had male role models, only male ideals of what I wanted to grow up to be, in terms of media and idols. I desperately wanted facial hair. Meanwhile, I was being raised by a single mother, and my experience with men was dreadful, and puberty chased off my male friends so I was left living in an all-female bubble, pretty much. I didn’t feel separate from it, but I was certainly different. My friends went down a more traditionally feminine path while I was a clusterfuck of alternative fashion and obscure interests.

My biggest “oh” moment was when I was about 12 years old and for the first time approached my mom to buy my own set of clothes - I’d secretly wanted to dress up as one of the boys for a long time, but this was the first time I really got to try it out. Being a skater was in because this was the early 2000s, so I bought a large t-shirt and a pair of skate shoes, and yes, a skateboard, and when I looked into the mirror like that, I felt like I was in heaven. I felt like things were finally going right and that this was who I wanted to be, that this was who I was supposed to be.

When I was 14, I met my first trans person. I had a terrible crush on him, he was a couple years older than me and identified as an FtM. The year was, what, 2005? I knew instantly that I was the same as him, but it scared me so badly I swore off ever thinking about it again, and that I’d just live as a woman like I was meant to be, because he was extremely suicidal and abused alcohol and drugs, and I didn’t want to die like that. It just seemed like the worst outcome - I knew I was like that, too, but I didn’t want that future. I was afraid if I’d accept how I felt, I’d end up killing myself like he’d tried to do so many times already. So I went DEEP into the closet.

I struggled a lot with relationships, being viewed as a girlfriend and treated as such, like my partners telling me they loved how I looked, touching my body, appreciating it as a female body. I told my first love that I wanted to go by the name of Gabriel, and that I felt like a boy inside, but that was as far as I went. I was 15 at the time. Around the same age I got sent to a group home because the social services were struggling with me (I wasn’t attending school due to my depression and various other mental disorders, and they needed to get me off their books asap). There, I was assigned men’s deodorant because they were out of women’s, and I never went back from there. Little things like that just made me feel so much better in my own skin. Now I at least smelled like a guy. It felt heavenly. In this same place, my supervisor was a nice young woman who borrowed me movies to watch. One of them was Boys Don’t Cry. Let’s just say I was pretty badly traumatized by that, and went ever deeper in the closet, because once more I knew that I was exactly what was portrayed on the screen but the reality of it was... well, I’d either kill myself or be murdered. Nobody wants that. So yeah, there.

Afterwards I went hyperfeminine but also became incredibly toxic because of how bad I felt in my own skin - I was extremely unstable, but at least I was playing my role right, right? I was suppressing how I really felt and trying to force myself into some weird caricature of a woman to spare myself from a painful death.

I used to do a lot of larping as an older teen and a young adult. When I was 18, one of my girlfriend’s characters was transsexual, and I went looking for information about the condition, you know, having the excuse of just “doing research”. That was the turning point. It was so comforting to know that I wasn’t alone, that this was something other people had gone through, too. That I didn’t have to live like this forever.

The things that bothered me most were the fact that I couldn’t grow facial hair, and my chest, which has always been very large. I’ve never had particularly bad dysphoria about the shape and size of my body, and I coped with genital dysphoria by packing, but the fact that I couldn’t grow a beard was the worst thing in the world to me. I went through a year of self-searching and research, during which my girlfriend left me because, duh, she’s a lesbian and I’d just come out as a trans man and it just wasn’t working out anymore, but she stuck by my side to help me become who I wanted to be, and fuck if it wasn’t working. Embracing the way I’d felt and doing the things that helped me feel better - like wearing the kinds of clothes that gave me that sense of comfort and rightness, and binding my chest - helped me to such a big degree that I stopped being completely fucking awful as a person. I stopped flipping out at the smallest of triggers and slamming doors and shouting and being an absolutely unbearable piece of shit, and my ex has repeatedly told me how good it felt seeing me become so much happier before her eyes. I practically changed as a person when I started my transition, first socially and then eventually medically, I became a very calm and difficult to irritate kind of an individual instead of the mess I’d been the years before. And I don’t mean “changed as a person” like I adopted a different personality, just that I stopped being blinded with anger and self-hatred at all hours of the day and lashing out at anyone who dared to love me as I was because I couldn’t.

Starting medical transition scared the shit out of me, because I’ve always been afraid of permanent changes. I nearly ran out of my tattoo appointment last minute because the idea of being marked forever killed me, and I only have one piercing that I can take out without leaving a visible scar for that reason. So obviously, taking that step was horrifying to me, but after doing my time looking into my soul and reflecting on my needs and desires for a year, attending some councelling and in general looking into what I really wanted from my life, I finally entered the diagnostic process, which here took at the time six months at the very least and included a lot of more thorough examinations like a psychological evaluation, chromosomal check and even an IQ test to make sure I was capable of consenting to the treatments.

Testosterone was a gift from gods in how much it eased my dysphoria. I ended up quitting it eventually because of how much it messed with my mental disorders like anxiety, and worsened my psychosis, but in terms of how much more at ease I became with my body, I can’t thank it enough. Seeing my body grow more hair on it, even some of that facial hair I’d always wanted, was blissful. Having my voice drop was comforting and comfortable, and I was excited to practice it and get back my range for singing and speaking, and that whole period of changes was just so good to me. I can’t describe it any other way. My dysphoria’s never come back since I stopped, because the changes that happened were those that I’d so desperately needed the whole time. I never got top surgery because of weight limitations placed on it, and this was an enormous source of pain for me for a long time, but I’ve learned to cope with it now. I’m getting along with my boobs because they’re just a part of my body, that is, unless they start growing cancer which does run in the family, and I’m never not suspicious of them for that reason.

It’s just, it’s hard to describe the story of my dysphoria without telling you all of this. It’s not just one or two things, it’s a history of a lifetime, little things that are good and this grand shadow that follows you around and makes everything more painful and difficult to endure because it’s already weighting you down. The terror of realisations and going back in the closet, but also the unmatched comfort and feeling of finally being how you were meant to be when you see yourself more akin to the picture in your head.

There’s a lot that I’ve left out, and not much of this is probably very helpful, but it is what it is.

#long post #ask

[iamknicole]

Saturday

"Lainey."

"Benny."

"Put it back," he said nodding towards her hands.

Alaina poked her bottom lip out at him, clutching the item to her chest. "But, B. Look at it."

"I'm lookin," he laughed, "And I see shoes that you have two pair of already. The shoes go back."

"I knew I should've brought Mel."

"But ya didn't. I'm here and I'm tellin' your ass to put them back and let's go."

Benny took the shoe from her hand, placed it back beside it's pair then led Lainey out the shop behind him. The siblings walked down the sidewalk among all the shops in downtown Savannah. Alaina held onto Benny's arm, a big smile on her face.

"I'm surprised your ass asked me to come with you."

She sighed, looking at all the other people. "As hard as it is to believe, I do love you, B. You're an alright brother most of the time."

"Wow," he laughed loudly. "Did you just say you love me? Without Mama havin' to make you? Progress is real."

"Shut up before I take it back," she threatened pinching his arm. "But with this move coming up, I want to be in a better place with all of y'all."

Benny nodded. He walked alongside his adjuster in silence listening to her talk. Benny loves his siblings all the same but he loved being a big brother just like he loved being a father.

"Things aren't perfect but they're getting there. And you're doing much better which is what we all wanted."

"Yeah," he smiled. "You and that dude set a date yet?"

Alaina laughed pushing off of him. "His name is Charles and you know that."

"Uhuh, I hear you."

"Anyway. Yeah we did. We decided on a spring wedding."

Benny squinted his eyes a little as he glanced to his right at Lainey. There was a question on the tip of his tongue but he didn't want to overstep and upset her.

"Gonna invite Mitch? Or is he not allowed there?"

"Charles thinks we should. He doesn't want Mitch to feel like we're making a new family without him."

"And what do you think?" He asked bumping her shoulder.

Lainey shrugged. "I don't want to upset him. Mitch and I were best friends, I'll always love him and," her voice trailed off as shre tried to focus her thoughts.

"And you don't wanna hurt him. I think you should give him an invite, let him decide if he wants to come or not." Benny finished. "Mitch is my best friend and all but I watched everything he put you through. Though I didn't say anything to y'all which I regret, I talked to him about it. He has to understand you couldn't and won't wait forever. He gotta love you enough to let you go."

"I know that's not you giving advice," Alaina laughed, "Good advice at that. Maybe Cam was right, you are coming up."

"Whatever. You just make sure you stop worryin about Mitch and worry about the babies and Chuck.'

Alaina nodded then smiled at some older women passing by her and Benny. Veering off the sidewalk, they headed to her jeep so they could go home.

The two of them sat in the living room watching television waiting for everyone else to come home. Alaina laid across the sofa, her feet in Benny's lap. After about an hour of waiting, Cameron came home. He sucked his teeth once he found them.

"The hell y'all doin?" He huffed kicking off his shoes.

"Watching Tales from the Hood," Benny said glancing at his brother.

"Nah, I mean how y'all havin bonding time without me? I'm the glue that holds this sibling stuff together. " Cameron lifted Alaina's upper body so he could sit down and put one of the sofa pillows in his lap for her to lie on. "Mama gon kick our asses if she sees us watchin this."

"Benny's not stranger to ass whoopings," Alaina joked. Benny flicked the bottom of her feet. "We could blame Cam. That's an option."

Benny shook his head. "Nah, he hit too hard."

"He can't hit me," Alaina shrugged, "So I'll tell them it was him."

Canton mushed her forehead. "Dont play with me, I'll tell Mama why you really wanted her to watch the kids last weekend."

"Snitch," she mumbled.

The siblings were so into the movie they didn't realize their parents were standing in the doorway. Caleb took a few pictures of them making a mental note to have them blown up for the new house.

"I know y'all not watching not devilish ass movie in my house."

All three of them jumped at her voice which knocked Alaina off the sofa onto the floor. She glared at her brothers before pushing herself back up on the sofa.

"Cam picked the movie, Mama."

Hanna folded her arms across her chest and shook her head. "Girl, stop lyin. You're the one who likes these movies. You and Benjamin."

Cameron thumped Alaina's arm. "That's what your snitching ass gets."

"What are y'all watchin anyway, Lainey," Hanna asked taking her sweater off.

"Tales from the Hood, Mama. It's one of my favorites."

"Ooh shit," Caleb said rushing to sit with them. He pushed Benny over so he could sit on the end. "This my movie. The part with David Alan Grier passed yet?"

Hanna shook her head at them as she finished taking her wedges off. "Don't you have a date with your fiancé tonight, Alaina?"

"Uuuh," she stuttered looking at her watch, "Kinda."

Caleb laughed, "You either do or you don't, baby girl."

"I mean yeah but I don't wanna go."

Hanna sucked her teeth. "He's been gone for two weeks, Lainey."

"Okay and he can wait one more night."

"Excuse me," Hanna asked laughing.

Alaina looked at both her brothers, Caleb and then Hanna pouting. "I wanna stay with y'all, I'll just have him pick me up from here when I get sleepy."

"That man is not about to be on call for you all night," Hanna argued.

Benny snorted. "Wanna bet? Dude is all the way in love with her. He'll come when she call."

Cameron laughed and agreed. "I've seen her call him at 2 in the morning and my guy got to her in 5 minutes from across town."

Caleb made eye contact with Hanna and smiled. He was glad Alaina was willing to ditch plans for her brothers, they hadn't been spending much time together at all. Unless you count the arguing they did in passing.

"Just invite him over, Alaina. He can join y'all."

"Whyyyyy," she whined. "Nobody else's other halves are here, Mama. That's not fair."

"That's cause they didn't make plans with theirs, you did. Call that boy. Y'all can even spend the night."

"But, Mama, we can't spend the night. Y'all won't let us sleep in the same room."

"That's not me, that's your father," Hanna laughed going into the kitchen.

"Not till your married," Caleb said not taking his eyes off the television.

"Why can't they sleep in the same room," Cameron asked. "It ain't like you don't know what she does. She already got two kids."

Alaina smacked his arm. "Shut up, Cameron."

#hahn #have and have nots

[verdigrisprowl]

Ignored

Set after this thread. Prowl and Tarantulas have a rather unpleasant conversation about the state of their relationship, and particularly Tarantulas’s insecurities therein; and Prowl is honestly too exhausted and shaken from Bonecrusher's breakdown to contribute much of value. Some small progress is made, but nobody leaves happy.

Tarantulas

No ping, no greeting - just a comm.

«Did I mention the glitch isn’t in the boot sequence? Because it isn’t. I need the rest of the coding. Please.»

Prowl

Straight to business, huh?

Well. Probably for the best, wasn’t it? Certainly more efficient that way.

Prowl sent about two-thirds of the rest of the coding, and none of the actual avatar data. Parts of the coding were highlighted.

«This is all that I activated before I had to shut it off yesterday, and it still caused the leaguers to show up. So the problem is somewhere in here. Since the open portal isn’t persistent—otherwise, they could just walk back out, or other people would walk through—it’s going to be something that activates once during the boot-up rather than something that remains active and is referenced persistently, so those are the parts I’ve highlighted.»

Tarantulas

A few seconds of dead silence, then: «...You didn’t need to do that. Primus, you could have just sent me the whole program instead of chopping it to bits and feeding it to me piecemeal. Why are you so intent on - on -»

Prowl

«Why do you need the whole program when I can tell you, with 98% confidence, that the problem you need to find is in this portion?»

Tarantulas

«Because you're keeping things from me and coddling me, when you could just trust me and let me handle the problem myself!» Tarantulas spat the words bitterly. «But no, you want as little to do with me as possible, I get it. You're dead set on shutting me out, Primus damnit.»

Prowl

A moment—a long moment—of silence.

«... You're mistaken. And I'm—confused.»

Tarantulas

«If I'm so mistaken, then prove me wrong. Give me evidence to the contrary, because all I'm seeing now is you blatantly, repeatedly, and dismissively rebuffing and ignoring me whenever it suits you, in favor of literally anything else.» And by "anything" he mostly meant "Soundwave."

Prowl

«I...» Helpless silence. «... When? I don't... I know I missed that you were trying to get my attention at the movie. But... when else? What did I do?»

Tarantulas

«Don't give me that. Not only did you quote-unquote "miss" my multiple attempts at getting your attention - you obviously did not care once both Soundwave and I pointed it out. In fact, you had the bolts to push me away, and then fled when I rightfully got upset about it. And no, this isn't the first time this has happened, though I'm loathe to go drudging through old memories that'll only raise my ire even more. If you absolutely must have receipts, I will do it though.»

Prowl

«... I did miss them. I completely missed them. And I am sorry I missed them. I am. But it wasn't deliberate, and I do care that it bothered you. I...» He falters for a minute; but then forces himself to continue, "I was tired. I know you're sick of hearing that. But being tired means being too—too mentally addled to pay attention to already sub-normal tactile input, or however you were trying to get my attention—were you talking to me, too? I don't know. I honestly don't know.

«Yes, I left—I was making you upset and you were becoming irate, of course I left, I was hardly in a mental state to—undo whatever the hell I did.» He isn't in a mental state NOW to undo whatever the hell he did. He still hasn't slept. He's so tired.

«I have no idea what that means.»

Tarantulas

«I know you were tired, you don't have to tell me a million fragging times. That doesn't forgive it, when you just up and leave instead of at least - at least telling me what's going on! Just a tiny sliver. You're shutting me out. And don't tell me you simply didn't have the energy - I just know you were talking with Soundwave the whole fragging time over comms, by the way. Don't try to hide it.»

Prowl

«I know you know. I know. And I don't want or expect you to forgive me for it. I just— I want— I want you, to...» He sighed, and rubbed his face. Words, words. Say it correctly this time. «... I'm not telling you I'm tired because I think, that... gets me out of trouble, or something? If I'm in trouble. I don't know if I am and that's not what I care about. I keep saying it because I'm... trying to... I want you to understand that, I haven't... I haven't looked at you and decided that you aren't worthy of my attention. At no point did I make a decision that I don't feel like acknowledging you. I thought... I don't know. I thought that might help.» It just sounds stupid now.

Silence. "… when you just up and leave instead of at least - at least telling me what's going on!" Was that Tarantulas saying he wants Prowl to explain why he up and left? Or, if Prowl explains why he up and left, will Tarantulas get mad at him for making excuses? Dammit. He rubs his optics. «Okay. I'm going to— I don't know if you're implying that you want me to explain why I up and left, or if explaining why I up and left will come across as making excuses, and I'm—» Scared of getting it wrong? Scared he's going to make Tarantulas more angry or upset in the process of attempting to undo whatever damage he'd caused? Trying to talk around what felt like a knot of wires in his vocalizer trying to short-circuit his voice? «... I'm going to wait until you clarify it, so I don't mess up again.» Coward.

«Yes. I was speaking with Soundwave. I've— I haven't been hiding that. I said I...» He falters, and trails off. Tarantulas doesn't want to hear him repeat himself.

Tarantulas

Tarantulas felt a rush of emotion - he wasn't sure what - boil over in his chest. «It - it wasn't even intentional, is what you're saying. So you're saying you didn't have to decide I wasn't worth your attention. It may as well be automatic by now. Hyah.»

Whatever emotion it'd been, that flash, that rush - it was immediately doused and drowned out by what Prowl said next. "... so I don't mess up again." That - that could mean so many things. What should Tarantulas say to that? What could he say?

«I would like to know why you left, yes.» At this point Tarantulas wasn't sure he'd like it, but he felt he needed to know.

Prowl

«N...» How does he say no to that? Everything about the denotation was wrong; but the words themselves were, in a literal sense, correct. It wasn't intentional; he didn't decide Tarantulas wasn't worth his attention; he did, automatically, not have the capacity to recognize that somebody was physically poking at him. These were correct facts. They were all wrong but they were correct facts, and how did he get around— How was he supposed to— He jammed the heels of his palms against his optics.

«... I...» ... He couldn't explain why he'd left, could he? Because he'd already explained it once. «... You don't want to hear me repeat myself.» He can only say any given thing once, or Tarantulas will be upset that he's repeating himself.

... He has to wonder if it's deliberate. If Tarantulas decided to reject or ignore the first time Prowl tries to explain himself, demand an explanation, and then express rage when he hears the same explanation a second time. What's the objective? Is cutting Prowl off from re-sharing the truth he shared the first time intended to force him to change his story until it becomes one Tarantulas accepts? Is it to shut him up entirely?

Was all of this deliberate?

Tarantulas

Dead silence hung between them for a while. Prowl hadn't said anything truly substantial, but somehow his lack of words seemed to speak for him. Either that, or Tarantulas's mind filled in the gaps for him instead.

«I - I don't. I really - I really don't, if the answer's going to be the same again and again. Because right now it just - it just sounds like - I know you've claimed that you care, that you're sorry, but -»

Tarantulas didn't feel it. He didn't see it. It didn't click. And the more Prowl floundered, the more Tarantulas felt like pulling away.

Prowl

«I don't—I don't know what I did. You said I've—done this before, but refused to tell me when or how—you said you'd—get mad if I asked, and—I don't want that, so I can't ask—you get upset when I explain myself because, I guess because it's not good enough, or else you ignore the explanation—then you get upset if I—try to clarify that explanation—because then it's either 'repeating myself,' or it's—it's whatever worst possible interpretation you can spin, and I can't correct it, because correcting it is repeating myself—but if I don't explain, you're upset because I didn't—I—what's the corner you're trying to back me into, Tarantulas? Where are you trying to make me stand? I'm—bad at picking up hints, I don't—I don't know where you're trying to make me stand. I'll stand there, just show me where.»

Tarantulas

«I'm - I-I'm not -»

Tarantulas may have felt emotionally doused before, but he was definitely drowning now. There was too much. Too much to parse. And if this was what Prowl was thinking - well, nevermind that, Prowl was wrong. Tarantulas wasn't trying to back him anywhere. He wasn't.

«You won't believe me if I say I'm not trying to manipulate you right now, will you. You can't - you can't take me at my word. Because - I don't make sense, do I. I see. That's fair. That's entirely fair. I'm - I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Prowl, I - I'm sorry.»

Prowl

Silence.

Then, thickly: «Then—if you're not—then—what am I doing wrong? I'm—going by the rules you established—don't ask about whatever else I did, don't repeat myself—it's not working. I'm making it worse.»

Tarantulas

«You're - you're not. It's -»

This wasn't going well. It hadn't been going well, not since the end of the movie, when Prowl had shown up at Dancitron. And that, even then, didn't feel like the start of it. Tarantulas couldn't possibly pin it down.

Especially now, he suddenly felt as if... he'd broken Prowl. As if he'd been holding something gorgeously, intricately fragile in his paws and twisted his wrist just so and shattered it. This was Prowl, Primus damnit. Prowl. And Tarantulas was doing this to him. He was throwing awful scathing words at him and hoping they burnt him like acid, as if Prowl deserved that. As if -

No. Tarantulas shouldn't get carried away. Prowl was waiting on the line - and hadn't he asked Tarantulas not to go silent unexpectedly without giving word of what was going on? Tarantulas had just broken something; he shouldn't make things worse by frightening Prowl more.

«I'm still here.» A shaky pause. «You're not doing anything wrong. You're just - doing what I told you to do, which makes it my responsibility. Not yours. I'm -sorry.»

Prowl

His fingers dug into his helm as he waited for Tarantulas to say something—he was still on the line—just say something. His shoulders sag when Tarantulas finally speaks again.

«... Then what should I do?»

He's messed up so much lately—he messed up with Bonecrusher, he messed up with Mixmaster, he messed up with Hook, and not only did he mess up yesterday with Tarantulas, he is continuing to mess up right now, and furthermore he has apparently been systematically messing up with Tarantulas for a long time without even realizing it. How much has he done wrong that he needs to undo? «I just want to get this right.» He's bound and determined to get it right.

Tarantulas

«So do I.» Tarantulas's voice was weak now, nervous. «I - don't know what to tell you. Apparently my directions before were faulty, so I'm probably not the best one to say where we ought to go from here. I feel like - like if you were smart you'd probably just hang up on me, but like I said, don't listen to me, I'm - I'm not the authority here.»

Prowl

«I—That's—what I tried, when—» No. He'd said that already. «... I need to... I can't say anything if I can't repeat myself. I'm—sorry.»

Tarantulas

«You can, if you have to. Screw the damn rules. I... I didn't even mean them as rules anyhow. I didn't.»

Prowl

A deep vent. «That's why I left. You wanted to know why I left. I was—trying to be smart. I knew you were upset. I—knew that I'd make it worse. I'd upset you more—like I'm doing now. So—better to leave. Correct? Less suffering.»

Tarantulas

A sound that was almost a whimper. «No, Prowl, no, no. That's - you can't know you'd've made it worse. You definitely made it worse by leaving, I can tell you that much, I - can't you see? Can't you see what I'm even upset about?» Choked desperation was sneaking into his voice. «It doesn't make any sense to leave if you've been - if I feel ignored. It just - reinforces the fear. Prowl, I need an antidote, not hospice. Not abandonment, not - leaving. Don't leave. Please, never just up and leave me, Prowl.»

Prowl

«... I know leaving made it worse. But that harm is—is finite. It happens and then it stops. When I stay—and try to do something, it just keeps getting worse. Like now. Last conversation wasn't as bad as this one.

«I can't promise I'll never—never leave a room until you're ready for me to go. That's too much from me. That's past what I can offer. To anyone, ever.»

Tarantulas

«It may be finite, but it's so deep, Prowl, and it doesn't stop. At least a conversation still has the potential to get better, doesn't it? To mitigate. To soothe. Repair, what have you. Leaving just - breaks it. Severs things, and never cleanly. I - personally, I'd take the chance. The chance that things could get fixed. Instead of the 100% rate of failure that leaving incurs.»

A pause. «That's... not exactly what I'd ask of you, Prowl, it's more like... don't up and leave me. Don't leave me hanging. You can go without my permission, I'm not going to take that from you, Primus, but - please, at least just...»

Prowl

«The potential to get better?» A choked, bitter laugh. It doesn't actually sound like a laugh. «You don't see me have many conversations, do you? A one hundred percent chance of a twenty percent mood drop is better than a ninety-nine percent chance of an eighty percent mood drop.

«What would you have done if—I'd said I was leaving, so I didn't make it worse? Try to talk me into staying, and be even more upset when I didn't? Convince yourself I thought I'd make it worse because—I really don't care? Nothing I said came out right—everything made you more upset—an explanation for leaving would be no exception.»

Tarantulas

«That's selfish. Assuming - assuming you always know what's best for someone else? Assuming you even know it's a 20% mood drop, or what its distribution or duration is? You have no idea, Prowl, you have - n-no idea.» Back in his lab, Tarantulas was clutching at his chest with a paw.

«I - I don't know what I would have done, but now? Now, I would take you seriously. I would honor your decision. I - don't really have any other choice, do I.» After a moment, another mumble trailed along. «...I don't... have the right to ask anything more, hyah. I'm... barely a friend, much less a datemate, or...» A heavy sigh. «What am I even thinking.»

Prowl

«I never assume. I calculate. And I—I know, my ability to calculate people, is subpar. I know the numbers are incomplete—and inaccurate. But—they're the only numbers I have. I can't run calculations with formulae I don't possess.

«"Now" doesn't matter. "Now" isn't yesterday. Your answer now is different than it would have been yesterday, because—because all this just happened.»

A shocked silence. «... No. That's... Why do you... What did I do, to—make you think—»

Tarantulas

«If your calculations are incomplete and inaccurate - isn't that assuming? Can't you - can't you just ask?» Tarantulas rubbed at his face, his paw trembling slightly. «And hypotheticals aren't useful, not like this. This - this changes things. You can't extrapolate from a point that's not in the same dimension.»

All of that flew from Tarantulas's mind as Prowl broke the silence with his last words. Prowl didn't think the same - but what did he think? What did those clipped phrases even mean? Tarantulas didn't want to hope too much.

«I - I don't know. Not you, you didn't do anything, it's - it's just how it is. Unless that isn't how it is, but I-I just feel like - I feel -» Tarantulas's shoulders were trembling now too. «How could you ignore one mech and engage like that with another and say you hold them on remotely the same level? And after all we've been through lately - the, the fights, the punishments, everything -»

Prowl

«No. It's not. There's a higher probability I'll be wrong, but at—at least I'm trying to be right. Asking doesn't work. Ask "will you be mad if I say this," then you have to say whatever it is you're asking them about. You have to decide on your own. Ask someone social questions and they get mad at you because you should have already known the answers, and they resent you for not knowing them well enough to already have the answers.

«If I didn't do something, then you wouldn't feel like this.» Cause and effect. Someone's always at fault, and it's usually the person who doesn't know what he's doing. «Because he was—» Prowl chokes on the words. No, no, no. That's Bonecrusher's business. That's only Bonecrusher's business. «Because I was there on business. I've—I've already said that. If that wasn't good enough for you the first time, I don't—know why it would be now. But it's true. I wasn't there to socialize.»

Tarantulas

«Ask them after the fact. Ask me how I felt when you left me at Dancitron. Ask me what it felt like when - when you hung up on me this-or-that time, or gave up on a situation, or refused to speak to me. Ask me, and I'll tell you, and you can use that data. Please.»

Hhh. Tarantulas had forgotten Prowl had said he was there on business... but... «...That doesn't negate the rest of what I said though, it's - why would I feel any other way about... H-how can I even put it? You don't... don't trust me. I - you - say you do love me, and I - I believe you, but I don't understand how that's possible without the trust, and where that even puts us. It's, it's...»

Anxiously Tarantulas scrambled around, searching for fragments to maybe, just maybe, support what Prowl was saying-but-not-saying. (Anything to rid himself of the thought that Prowl was just using the word "love" to bend him to his will.) The crawling under his plating abated a little when he realized - Primus. Well, part of it was right there in front of him, wasn't it. As pitiful as it sounded, the fact that Prowl was still talking to him after all, and hadn't left... he did care at least a little then, didn't he?

Prowl

A harsh, broken laugh. «Oh, that goes well. "Remember when we fought last night? The whole time—I have no idea how you felt. Could you tell me?" If you— When you ask that, people don't answer. They just hurt again, because—you should have known already. You should be able to, to, to—to look at them and know, automatically, like telepathy, how they feel. Because everyone else can do that. Everyone else except you. Tell someone you don't know how they felt, they don't—they don't assume you're missing a sense that everyone else has. They assume you don't care.»

... How does Prowl answer that? No, he doesn't trust Tarantulas. He wants to. But how can he? When Tarantulas is still lying to him? Prowl doesn't even know how often he lies, only that he caught him once recently. How many times has he missed?

«... Love and trust are separate functions.» What else can he say? «I don't— I don't like it.» He would far rather that love were impossible to feel without trust. «But they are. And, here we are.»

Tarantulas

«I'm talking about me, Prowl, me, not just any mech! I - I'm not sure exactly how to patch whatever missing sense it is, but it's - if I'm telling you to ask me, you might as well fragging try!» A small crack in Tarantulas's voice. «If you do care - that's, that's what you should do. Just listen to me, damnit.»

Tarantulas took a shaky moment to dwell on that though - separate functions? Really? They seemed inextricably bound together to him, unfortunately so. How could someone hold true affection for someone they couldn't rely on, someone who constantly broke their trust? Tarantulas had already accepted that he was an untrustworthy person, that much was true. How could Prowl love someone like that? What sort of distorted attraction must that be?

«...I don't - I just don't understand. I -» Momentarily Tarantulas choked. Maybe he should just shut up. Give up. Quiet down. It wasn't really his place to question Prowl's words, was it? «N-nevermind.»

Prowl

«... I thought I was listening. That's what I'm trying to...» Well, obviously, it isn't working, is it? «Then—how do you...» An irritated huff at himself. «I can't ask that—you've been telling me how you feel, right now. I'm going to—I sound like I—like I'm not listening. Just—know that I am listening, but—tell me how you feel.»

If Tarantulas didn't understand, how in the world was Prowl going to explain? «... Does—"nevermind" mean you don't want me to ask how you feel?»

Tarantulas

«You keep trying to explain, you - you interpret, you analyze, you do all sorts of things besides actually - actually...» A deep vent. Prowl was asking now, wasn't he? And he said he was listening. Well then. Where should Tarantulas even start?

It seemed like a million orns before Tarantulas was able to gather his thoughts again, but eventually... «N-no, Prowl, I want you to ask. The 'nevermind' was with regards to - other things.» A pause. «What I feel... I...

«When you left Dancitron, or - any of the times you've pushed me away, shoved me out. It's awful, Prowl, it pains me, nearly physically. And I know - outwardly I'm often frustrated, I'll admit, but - the hurt of it takes a second to kick in, like a sudden energon blade in my side. And then it lasts, and Primus almighty does it fester, too. Hours, days - however long, until you let me back in. Because if left to myself with no input, shut off, ignored - what else can I do with the pain but speculate why you decided to inflict it? Why I wasn't worth sticking around for, wasn't worth - worth including?» Tarantulas left off with another shaky vent, but the pause did little to help. Just - get this over with.

«...And you know what I think of, during those times, Prowl? What I feel then? I feel - so small. Sometimes - boxed, scolded, ignored, and... This might not make any sense, but most of all - inconvenient. As if your affection for me may be there, but it's misplaced, an irritant, a bother. You've got so much better... so, why? Why should you want this too? You don't need this.» A weak, tittering laugh. Really, Prowl, who in their right minds would even want an awful, untrustworthy, over-emotional, half-alien monstrosity in the first place? Not that Tarantulas was going to say that much aloud, but still.

Prowl

«... It's n...»

No. Tarantulas just said he doesn't want Prowl to explain. So don't explain.

What does that leave for him to say? Tarantulas doesn't want apologies unless they meet his criteria, and Prowl's too tired to figure out if any apology he could make could meet Tarantulas's standards. I don't want you to feel that way was just—worthless. It didn't do anything. It was little better than a whine. What's left for him to say? What options does he have?

«... Is that rhetorical?»

Tarantulas

After all that, Tarantulas couldn't help but laugh a little more. All that, and that was the question Prowl went for.

«You know, I'm not sure. If you do have an answer for it, go on - go right ahead. I - I want to hear it.»

Prowl

Dammit. «I—no. I was...» He was hoping the question was rhetorical, but obligated to check in case it wasn't.

This. This is why Prowl can't ask questions. This is why Prowl can't check and confirm. Because things like this happen. If he hadn't checked, the question would have been rhetorical. Because he checked, it no longer was rhetorical, and now Tarantulas will be hurt by a lack of an answer—and Prowl can't give an answer.

«I can't answer questions like that. I'll make it worse.»

Tarantulas

«But that means you have an answer. Are we really going to play that game, Prowl?» A sort of despair tinged Tarantulas's vocals. «So you're dead set on reinforcing restless ignorance instead of admitting a painful truth? Just - out with it, Prowl, I'm - I'm tired of this.»

Prowl

«I...»

Silence.

He can't even get his words to— Where did his vocalizer go? Function, dammit!

«N—» FUNCTION! «N—no, the truth isn't painful, but I c—I can't—I can't say it. I can't say—good things. They sound wrong. I ruin them. I can't.»

Tarantulas

Tarantulas wasn't sure whether to put his helm in his paws again or get up and start pacing. Why. Why did Prowl have to do this. Even if he didn't mean to, Prowl knew exactly how to twist Tarantulas's spark in the most bittersweet ways.

«You - you haven't even tried yet. Give it a chance - I'm asking you. Please. It's - I'm - I'm not a mind-reader either, Prowl. If you don't say it, I can't possibly know what it is in the first place, regardless of how it's delivered.»

Prowl

«I can't.» That was one thing he knew was true—one thing he could say confidently. His spark sputtered, his arms shook so hard he couldn't keep holding his hands to his face, his fuel tank threatened to turn inside out, at the mere thought of doing otherwise. «I can't. I can't.» Maybe if it had been any conversation but this one. Maybe if he'd had time to prepare—if it had been his choice—if he wasn't already so exhausted and nervewracked he felt like he was falling apart. But if he even tries to open his mouth to say what Tarantulas wants the best he might get to come out is a croak. «I can't.»

Tarantulas

Four times, Prowl had said it. Four times, an assertion that he couldn't say what he actually thought - felt? - and each time he asserted it, Tarantulas felt worse and worse. Not worse for himself, though. Worse for Prowl.

Since Tarantulas was hovering somewhere between crying and sighing, he just let the silence hang there for a bit. What could he even say? He'd let Prowl know how he felt, and now Prowl couldn't answer.

«...When - when do you think you could, maybe? Ever?»

Prowl

«I d...»

... Say something. Say something. Anything. Please say something. Don't make Tarantulas think you abandoned him again. Don't make him feel inconvenient. Don't make him feel like a burden. Say something. Just say something. Please say something. Please.

His processor fans were so loud he couldn't hear the outside world, and his head was still hot. He fumbled under his shin armor for his cache of magnets—he needed something else to focus on. The conversation was a labyrinth and he kept getting turned around and ending up farther from the exit, he can't keep going like this or he's going to fry his processor. He needed to refocus and try again—and fast.

It took him four times to get something out from under his armor. It was Tarantulas's magnets. Prowl stared at them.

And then, in a fit of uncalculated desperation, seized a snapshot of the magnets in his hand, HUD and all, and sent it to Tarantulas. There. A picture. A reason for Prowl to want Tarantulas. It's the smallest and least important reason but it's a start. Tarantulas's magnets in Prowl's hands, Prowl's HUD covering them with the arcing lines of magnetic fields and calculations about their strength.

Just, pay no mind to how fuzzy the edges of the picture are. Or the low fuel warning. Or the desperately low energy warning. Or the angry exclamation-point-in-a-triangle Processor Meltdown Imminent warning. He didn't have time to take those off the HUD.

Tarantulas

How could Tarantulas possibly ignore those? It took him a moment to fully register what the image was in the first place because of all the interference. In fact, the meaning behind the magnets was all but lost on him for now.

With a start, he leapt out of his seat, nearly yelling into his comm unit. « Prowl! Prowl, that's not 'tired,' that's - you're going offline you idiot -»

But what could Tarantulas do about it? Prowl probably wasn't going to listen to him if he told him to refuel and recharge - Tarantulas wasn't even sure Prowl could do it for himself at this point. And Tarantulas was forbidden from coming over, full stop. He could still try to go and face the consequences later, but -

Immediately Tarantulas shot a slew of pings at the Constructicons' communal commlink, attaching Prowl's HUD snapshot to the barrage. As much as he hated it, they'd have to be his first go-to here.

Prowl

The first thing Tarantulas got from the Constructicons was «FRAG OFF!»

The second thing Tarantulas got was «Seriously, frag off!»

Tarantulas

Nope, definitely not fragging off. Tarantulas still had Prowl on the other line, too, but had him muted now.

«Do you WANT Prowl to go offline? Primus, go get him a cube, please, or - is there something else you can do, maybe? I -»

Prowl

«If Prowl wants to fuel, he can fuel himself! He's been refusin' to eat. That's on him.»

«He knows how to feed himself and initiate a defrag.»

«Torque off, bug. We're dealin' with our own scrap, we can't deal with Prowl's too.»

Tarantulas

Refusing to eat? Dealing with their own scrap? What in the pits was going on over there?

«Why is he refusing to eat!? And why don't you care that he's on the edge of a meltdown - I - I've never even seen that warning before!» Alright, time to start pacing frantically. «I will come over if you all aren't going to help with this. Is that what you want?»

Prowl

«We don't know, he ain't tellin' us! He just stopped!»

«It means yer overwhelmin' him! That's what it means! Meltdown warnin' means leave boss the frag alone!»

Tarantulas

Tarantulas skidded to a stop. Wait, meltdown - a sort of mental meltdown? Was Tarantulas actually the problem here? Was he pushing Prowl toward - ah frag. He'd known he was stressing Prowl out, but this, whatever it was, on top of low fuel and energy -

Without so much as a ping, Tarantulas dropped the line and switched back over to Prowl, a nervous whine in his voice. «Please go get some energon, Prowl. Please. I don't know what's going on, but I need you to at least do that much for me.» It wouldn't be a cure-all, but at least if he could get him to listen to that, it'd be a step in the right direction.

Prowl

Dammit. Prowl's fingers seized shut around the magnets. He'd been making progress, and now he was going to lose it. He didn't think he could speak again yet.

Months ago, the first time Prowl plugged into Metroplex, Starscream and Soundwave had threatened to unplug him before Metroplex had finished the proper eject procedures; and Prowl was unable to speak enough to get out a sentence, much less to say that by unplugging him prematurely they were threatening him with brain damage. Metroplex solved the problem by blasting Soundwave with a loud enough burst of data to give him an instant headache.

Now, Prowl forwarded that exact same data burst to Tarantulas.

It looked something like this.

Tarantulas

Yeesh. Well, that was one way to make a point. Tarantulas was stunned into silence, his processor buzzing from the sudden onslaught of signal, his visor even fritzing out for a moment.

What - what did that mean? Aside from the obvious, of course. Did Prowl want him to stop talking entirely, to hang up? If that meant it'd tip Prowl into meltdown, Tarantulas decided he'd better listen. But Primus, it was hard. All Tarantulas could think about was how low all Prowl's levels were and how awful he'd sounded before he'd sent the image with his HUD...

So he stayed on the line, but muted it. He'd be there whenever - if ever - Prowl decided he was ready to reinitiate contact.

Prowl

For six, seven minutes, there was nothing from Prowl's end. He'd let himself get pushed far closer to a full processor crash than he'd allow in any other circumstances, and it was going to take longer than normal to get stabilized.

But once he was back at acceptable levels—once the processor meltdown warning was gone and his head wasn't burning and he could hear past his fans again—he started sending pictures, all taken from the view of his own optics, all with his incessant numbers and calculations overlaying everything.

Prowl's fingers, curled in the fur of Tarantulas's chest; his hands are covered with hundreds of tiny pinpricks of light and the whole image is covered with lines of thousands of numbers, calculations pertaining to the motion of every single individual setae he can feel, crowding out every other warning, every other worry, every other thought.

Pieces of Tarantulas's blueprints for his own body, Prowl's notes overlaid on top, curves calculated to trace every edge of his body, sweeping lines demonstrating where his parts would connect to each other as he transformed, an analysis of the basic geometry of Tarantulas's body—the only art Prowl knows how to appreciate.

The look of intense focus on Tarantulas's face, web strung between his paws in a thread Jacob's ladder.

Tarantulas resting with his arms crossed on Prowl's lap, head lifted just slightly enough to show off his visor curved in a wry little smile.

The top half of an image showing the bottom edge of the blueprints for Windchill's gun, the bottom half showing Prowl holding Tarantulas's paw over Prowl's own interface array, calculations running along the side of his HUD, testing out combinations of permittivities and molecular structures for different piezoelectric crystals.

Tarantulas's head tiredly tucked against Prowl's chest, the rest of his body slumped along the length of Prowl's, web hammock curling up on either side of them.

Prowl's never going to be able to say out loud what it is that draws him to Tarantulas. Not to Tarantulas himself. And images alone can't demonstrate it, not when so much of it is in how Tarantulas thinks, in the way their minds play off each other's, in the wild mental energy Tarantulas brings to all his work.

But please—let it be better than nothing.

Tarantulas

It was definitely better than nothing. Infinitely so. The images took Tarantulas completely by surprise; he'd been expecting a single word at best. But this...

Slowly Tarantulas sank back into his seat, a paw clutching at his chest, as he pored over what Prowl had sent. So it'd started with the magnets, and it tumbled out from there - was Prowl trying to show him what he couldn't possibly say? What did it mean?

Magnets. Fur. Blueprints. Silk ladder. Visor smile. Nucleon rifle. Cuddling. All of these were things Tarantulas had offered to Prowl, experiences they'd shared, and positive ones at that. They gripped Tarantulas's spark and wouldn't let go - a sort of patronus drowning out the insidious shadows of doubt, frustration, and despair he'd been fixating on before. This - this was why Prowl wanted him, then? These small, precious moments. At least this was something to cling to, however cryptic the images were.

«Prowl... oh Prowl...» Tarantulas relaxed the paw on his chest, letting it join the other one in his lap. «Th - thank you. I... don't know what to say, I...» A deep ventilation. «I love you too, Prowl, I do, so very much. And I want you safe. Please take care of yourself...»

Prowl

«... Don't—»

Words, words. Come back. Function again. Let's go.

«Don't—change the topic.»

Tarantulas

A moment of hovering confusion, then: «Which topic? I - that is, I mentioned two, and I'm not purposefully diverting from anything, I - I promise.»

Prowl

«Don't start talking about me.» Prowl knew that voice. He'd heard that voice before. It was the voice of someone who'd decided Prowl had problems and who had decided it was their business and obligation to talk to Prowl about the problems they thought he had. «This is about you. Your feelings.»

Tarantulas

«We can't have a conversation about my damned feelings when your systems are about to shut down! And besides, my feelings are about you right now, I'm concerned. I can't just ignore that.»

Prowl

«I told you—what was it?—FOUR TIMES that I was tired, and each of those times you concluded that your emotional state was more important than my physical state. My physical state has not changed since the first time I said I was tired, so neither has the fact that your emotional state takes precedence to it. Stay on topic. You're miserable because of me and I'm not allowed to prevent it from getting worse by hanging up so I need to fix it.»

Tarantulas

«I'm not miserable!» For some reason the word felt strange coming out of Tarantulas's vocalizer. «And I didn't know the extent of your physical depletion, you can't fault me for that. I'm more affected right now by your present condition than I am by what we were talking about before, and besides, the images, they - they helped.»

Prowl

«They're just images. They don't undo the fact that I am systematically doing something wrong.»

Tarantulas

«But what if it's a matter of perspective?» Tarantulas could feel a part of himself wilting. Prowl might be partially right, but Tarantulas couldn't bring himself to think about it anymore, not with the way things were right now. «You did say sorry, and I - I know you meant it. Isn't all we can do now just - move forward?»

Prowl

«"Sorry" is only an apology if it comes with an effort to rectify the situation. Without that, it's only an emotional statement. I need to know what I'm doing wrong so I can do it right.»

Tarantulas

«I - thought I elaborated on that already. Maybe you can...» What did Tarantulas even want? It was impossible to say - from what he could tell, it boiled down to wanting more attention, but there was no way he'd ever ask for that. Not outright.

«...How about - not ignoring me, like earlier? Trying your best not to, that is. Or having some sort of... signal? If you can't or don't feel like speaking at the moment, etcetera. And not leaving suddenly. Please.» Certainly not all-encompassing, but a start.

Prowl

«Not leaving suddenly, not ignoring you, yes, but—you were upset before I did that. That was... that was the last straw, not the cause. And you—say it's happened before, but won't tell me when. There's... there's more to this. Isn't there?»

Tarantulas

«I told you I'd go back and - and find other instances like earlier if you wanted me to, though I'd rather not. I - think that's the main gist of it. I don't know how else to explain it, Prowl, I simply... it's...» Rapidly Tarantulas was shrinking away from the subject. For some reason it just felt wrong now, to problem-solve like this. And maybe it was easier to go back to ignoring whatever problem there'd been until it overwhelmed them again.

Prowl

«... Is that all I have to work with, then?»

Tarantulas

Tarantulas rolled his shoulders uncomfortably. «You say that as if it's troublesome. What else ought I say, Prowl? It's a - a feeling. A conglomerate of them, as I explained. My feelings are the problem, really. Hyeh. Pesky emotions.»

Prowl

«Feelings have causes and I'm the cause. I'm the problem. I can't fix the problem without enough information about what it is. That's all the information I'm getting, isn't it.»

Tarantulas

Tarantulas huffed into the commlink. «What do you want, Prowl? I wouldn't have brought any of this up if I knew exactly what the problem was and how to ameliorate it! I don't know how any of this works, I -»

...Was that what he'd meant to say? He didn't know how this worked? What was 'this'? Internally Tarantulas cringed. Yes, he knew what 'this' was, and it stung a little to think about.

Prowl

Silence. «... I don't know.»

He held back a sigh. «This isn't—it's not supposed to be about what I want. It's what you want. If that's all you want to share...» Then Prowl will take his feelings of helpless uselessness, and his fear that he'll be unable to fix a thing because the problem to be fixed is so obvious that normal people are incapable of even explaining the problem to someone like him, and the corresponding terror that this whole conversation is just foreshadowing to a miserable and mutually painful breakup that Prowl will be powerless to prevent—and he'll stomp them down and lock them up, so they don't become Tarantulas's problem. Tarantulas was trying to unload his burden, not adopt Prowl's. «... then, that's that, I suppose.»

Tarantulas

«But it's not, is it.» Tarantulas stewed in that for a minute. «Can we... can we settle this now, and if I think of something more I ought to say, I'll say it then.»

Prowl

«Why are you ask—? I don't know whether or not it is.»

Settle it? Settling it implies a resolution. Settling it implies a solution. Settling implies fixing. «... Can we?»

No. Wrong answer. «If you want to.»

Tarantulas

«...I think I would prefer it. Although - quite honestly, I won't be able to think of much else besides your HUD after having seen what condition you're in now, so it's not as if I'll be doing anything significant if we do hang up. It's - up in the air.»

Prowl

«... Is there the slightest possible chance that if we don't hang up, we are going to make any more progress.»

Tarantulas

«...I don't know.» Tarantulas's absolute least favorite phrase to use.

Prowl

«... Then it doesn't matter.»

Tarantulas

Part of Tarantulas was tempted to drop the line there, he wasn't sure why - but he didn't.

«We should - we should talk another time, then. Not now. Sometime less... delicate, I think.» A pause. «But you have to promise me you're going to refuel and recharge soon, Prowl. Can you swear that?»

Prowl

«Of course I'm going to refuel and recharge. The only reason I'm not trying to recharge right now is because—» No. Stop. That sounds too much like blaming Tarantulas. And it's already too late for it to not sound like blaming Tarantulas, isn't it?

«... The only reason I'm this low on fuel is because I'm missing a day of work and the previous day was... draining. I'll refuel as soon as I get to work tomorrow and be fine.»

Tarantulas

Yep, too late, Prowl. But Tarantulas took the guilt and defensive ire that'd surged up and swallowed it back down without saying anything.

«Is that a promise, then?»

Prowl

«Yes. It's a promise. I was going to do it anyway.»

Tarantulas

Tarantulas sighed quietly. «...Thank you. I - I love you dearly, Prowl, never forget that.»

Prowl

«I know.» There were times when it felt more like a burden. This was one.

Tarantulas

Tarantulas let silence settle in for a moment. Primus, how he wished Prowl could say those words back to him... but that would be asking far too much, and he knew it.

«I - shouldn't keep you from recharge, so I suppose, unless there's anything else... Goodnight.»

Prowl

"Good night."

He waited another moment, to ensure that Tarantulas wasn't going to say anything else; and then ended the comm.

He scrubbed his face with his hands, curled up tighter, buried his face in his knees, and folded his hands over the back of his head.

He'd promised he was going to try to sleep, and he was. But he didn't think he'd succeed.

#chat #araneamechanica

[secondsofhappiness]

Curios anon on cheating. I've seen you write that cheating is unacceptable in any form, but I've also seen you reblog Vadam content. The 2015 Vadam story is very similar to this current Robron story. Adam is also a serial cheater as well who has cheated on every partner he's had, Scarlet with Mia, Mia with Mia's mum, Vic with Vanessa. Can you explain why this is so different?

Ok, this is my final discussion post on this.

I’m happy to talk anything but if you want to know my feelings currently (and I can’t see them changing soon) on this situation then this is it. Feel free to chat about all other things as I adore talking to you all. Most of it is under a cut as many don’t want to read this stuff.

As I’ve said before, cheating is a really difficult one for me and if you’ve read my posts, you can understand why. I don’t understand the desires for that stuff at all and I can’t empathise on a human level with those feelings so I don’t think I can really ever understand cheating. I try to relate it to issues like trust and respect and view a relationship in those practical ways because I will never have the impulse to cheat, not because I’m perfect or a saint but because I don’t have any interest or natural wish for anything sex related with another person. So yeah, I approach this stuff from a really different view point.

Cheating, as I understand, can be something that people do because they can’t help it, they are self destructing, they are needy and emotional… this is what I’ve seen on TV and movies and I have to just accept that’s a thing. I’ve never had any experience of ever feeling in any way interested in being with someone that I like romantically in that way and so I can’t confirm why people cheat or if that is something that’s understandable. To me, it isn’t understandable.

So I hope you can see why I struggle with it. I know it sounds weird and a lot of people might not be able to understand but that’s the best way I can describe it. I may sound broken or whatever but it’s just the way I am so I have a different perspective.

So I try to view cheating objectively as best as I can. I actually wasn’t watching ED at the time that Adam cheated on Vic. This was for personal reasons because of Laurel’s alcoholism storyline. So I haven’t actually ever seen those scenes. I understand they were broken up following Vic freaking out about a proposal.

But I view each relationship on its merits and as I’ve said before, I approach it all from gut feelings. Adam has cheated before. He’s a serial cheat. So is Rob. Adam did most of that when he was a daft kid (see 99% of Rob’s escapades). None of that is an excuse but the whole Mia and her mum nightmare was tacky as all hell and I hated it at the time mainly because I really wasn’t a fan of the that family - Declan aside.

Many characters on ED cheat and have cheated. So many of them I adore. I adored them before and will adore them still. Take Chas. Chas is a problematic fave. She has cheated before. I still adore her. That’s because many of the stories she was in, the writing supported the situation. See Cameron. That was DRAMATIC AS ALL HELL but it actually made sense in a twisted way. Back then, Chas was a mess and Debbie was tied up with a dying child. It felt dark and difficult but at neither point was either relationship played out to be wonderful or framed as Aaron and Rob’s has. Rob is (I want to say was but I am holding back till I see what the show is doing) a problematic fave. He has cheated on numerous occasions - every single relationship.

With Chas, it’s not a specific character trait. She has made poor decisions (mainly fuelled by Carl King!) With Rob it is. He is a serial cheater. It’s what he has used for power / purpose for most of his life. He has made stupid decisions like this for years. This is nothing new.

The reason I have an issue now is because of the framing of the storyline. Adam and Chas and Laurel etc have all cheated and they were all WRONG in doing that. Rob is entirely wrong in cheating now and it is cheating, to me, regardless of alcohol and according to him he did it on purpose out of spite.

His storyline has been couched in “change”, his quest to be a better person and NOBODY expected him to be perfect. I was reasonably ok with November, he has messed up in plenty of ways through the period of change and that was all reasonably logical for me. I don’t like perfect characters.

Cheating is NOT out of character for him. It is in character for 2015 Rob but the following are the reasons that THIS instance is very different for me:

- He has kissed Rebecca a total of three times now. All of them intentionally. And used words on two occasions that specifically relate to lingering feelings and a reminiscence about their time together. That’s a pattern of behaviour. There’s a reason for that.

- Aaron expressed, on multiple occasions, that he was uncomfortable with Rebecca and I didn’t feel Rob was acting wrongly assisting her with work but he was entirely aware of Aaron’s feelings on the matter so much so he took off his ring and they had a blazing row… that argument and many problems prior were because of Rebecca.

- Rob has promised specifically on more than one occasion that he will be faithful and not just throwaway lines. Frequent and pointed references to fidelity and how Aaron is “different” for him. He’s it.

- Aaron’s jealousy re: Rebecca and torment due to his mental health and Rob’s actions was the trigger for his situation with Kasim

- The scene in the prison did in no way indicate that their relationship was over. They have had horrific arguments and this was absolutely one of the tamest. And I still don’t understand what Rob meant on Friday about them being over. I’m not clear on what he thought or if he lied to Rebecca etc

- Rob has specifically said that he did this out of spite to get back at Aaron whilst knowing the significant impact it would have on him

- They are mere weeks beyond a commitment ceremony and I appreciate that both broke vows, those vows were made honestly. So are the show suggesting that this ceremony meant so little that even this show of commitment is not enough? How could any formal wedding be enough? Are they suggesting that the circumstances were too much to cope with and two broken people made enormous mistakes? Well don’t have Robert stating he did it to hurt Aaron and don’t have the scene that is intended to cause the fall out so weak and nonsensical in terms of their entire relationship (aka it was a mere chat to half of the stuff they’ve been through) that it felt like a nothing situation

- I’ve already talked the Bisexuality issue to death but it is important and a very valid issue. Don’t have your character state time and time again that bisexuality will not make him cheat, bisexuality does not mean he’ll act on attraction to another person and then have him state that he loves lots of people before sleeping with someone else. That was utterly cruel and gave an appalling message. He is more than his sexuality and cheating doesn’t have anything to do with his sexuality, yes, but by previously (and on more than once occasion) linking fidelity to bisexuality you have created that link yourself… ?

- This cheating scenario was out of spite but also due to feeling down… ok, Rob is a grown man and a broken one and people aren’t machines… we hurt and we do stupid stuff and yes I don’t understand cheating but Rob drew Rebecca to The Mill, he pressed the issue, he used his words to get her to sleep with him, in the bedroom he intends to share with Aaron in their home. That alone is enough to make me uncomfortable and it’s entirely cruel.

- Alcohol, to me and in my experience, brings out truth.

- Robert comes off much worse here. If the show’s intention was to depict two broken men as destroyed as the other and making poor and misguided decisions then they failed in my opinion because Aaron’s situation is entirely different and he has made poor choices but has no freedom, limited support and has undergone specific and systematic violence so used a crutch. Robert has been a bit stressed, has missed his fiancé, has had a few kid problems and finds Aaron making a mistake and is told to leave… then goes out of his way to hurt Aaron in the worst way imaginable. That’s not the Rob I know. That’s Rob of 2015 and it would have been in character but these circumstances are no where near bad enough for me to logically accept that this would be where Rob would go at this present time.

Aaron is in no way an angel and is 100% in the wrong but the storyline balance is vastly skewed in my opinion. Robert Sugden is not a baby and can cope with stressful situations. He has has Aaron telling him he hates him and still stuck around. Aaron said “do one” and Rob tipped over the edge… why?

There are numerous other reasons. Many cheating storylines on this show are either done in a quick and empty way (Nicola and Dan, Kerry and Ross etc). The build up is neither focused on fidelity or post marriage… it normally comes due to a break down in the relationship etc. It also doesn’t entirely break the relationships around them that have been fostered for years. They are not normally engineered to depict a situation that has been specifically stated as the worst possible for the other spouse - aka this is Aaron’s worst nightmare, the situation he drove himself nuts about for weeks.

So in answer to your question, I view each situation separately and try to judge it objectively. I have not enjoyed or supported many cheating storylines in the past. Some are so pointless and hardly touched upon I forget they ever happened (Moira and Pete) and some are logical and I get it (Laurel and Marlon) because the writing shows how this person may make this decision and although it may be wrong, how their mindset may impact them to make a mistake or act unfaithfully.

Nothing made this, to me, logical or understandable it was framed within an already rushed and uncomfortable storyline for me. The writing has confused me (did Rob lie to R about being over? Did he think they were over? Did I not think it? When did he ever question he didn’t love Aaron that on the morning he realised he loved him again? Does he want to remain friends with Rebecca? WHY? Why does he think it’s acceptable to keep it from Aaron and only agree to admit due to Chas & R’s actions? Why did he not ask Aaron why he was saying those things? He has pushed plenty with Aaron in the past when he’s been self destructing.)

None of it made sense to me and the limited info we have from writers was that, well Rob was having a hard time so he made a mistake. The writing doesn’t tell me that in its entirety. The writers etc also suggest that this was to cause drama and contention in their relationship… was there not already contention? Was Aaron’s drug use not enough? Was Rob’s already present issues with R not enough? Was their previous well written and explored argument not enough? Was November not enough? Was Aaron’s assault not enough?

It was cheap and I don’t understand it and I definitely haven’t considered this storyline or the characters the same since. I can’t be positive about it because I hoped there’d be some logical way to understand these actions and I can’t find one!

The powers that be don’t seem to see that any of this is an issue. They think it’s ok that they have a popular couple and can do what they want with them and it feels as if character driven and logical story telling is devoid here and is replaced with an incentive to use their popularity to create headlines. That’s not something I’m interested in.

It’s terribly sad. I ADORE these characters. I truly truly do. I have grown up with them, loved them, supported them, learned with them, shook my head at them, cheered them on, shouted at my screen at them and enjoyed their growth and humour and pain and happiness.

It’s not an enjoyable thing to not find any joy in that anymore but that’s where I am.

I choose to see how it plays out and maybe my opinion will change but I need to wait to see if they intend to keep the cheap drama surrounding this storyline. I’m not used to ED being like this. If they choose to do it and have R pregnant then I don’t think I can stomach a Sugden/White baby (The Whites are one of the worst families ED has ever had in my personal opinion) and I certainly can’t stomach R as a character because she’s so poorly written and flip floppy I really couldn’t care less anymore! I need characters who make sense not ones who are expected to be adored because they say nice things then act appallingly.

Love is not enough in my opinion. Love comes from action. I have been told I was loved and then treated disgracefully. To say you love someone and yet to treat them without respect, thought or compassion (that includes one catastrophic mistake out of spite) is not love. This is my personal opinion and many will disagree.

So I will see and I expect the show to play this out to flesh out these issues and explain and to satisfactorily develop the characters to address the parts of them that need fixing without using it for cheap drama. I need the show to not change a character’s personality just to climb the peak again because it’s “fun to test relationships”. It is! It’s great fun to watch but only if it makes sense. If it doesn’t then it isn’t enjoyable for me.

That’s the last I’ll say on it. I’ll no doubt post if I change my mind and when the show develops and I see how they’re intending to progress with this storyline but until then I choose Faith Dingle and her ridiculous seances, Bernice and her terrible love advice etc.

I hope this covers everything. Sending love to you all :)

#ask #ed rambles #long post #laughter and rage #apologies if people don't like to read this #I'm always honest and I'm sorry I can't be more positive about this specific storyline but I adore everything else #anti rebecca #anti white family