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thebibliomancer · 2 years

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Essential Avengers: West Coast Avengers #20: Lost in Space-Time, Part Four: In the Meantime, in Between-Time...

May, 1987

THE SANDS OF TIME

That’s a good visual metaphor for this lost in the past plot but not strictly accurate to what happens.

But. It makes a really striking cover. I can’t hate it.

Last times on West Coast Avengers: the West Coast Avengers go to try and recruit Firebird except in a wacky mix-up, she was coming to see them and they both miss each other! Oh and then Dominus, pal of Lucifer, sends the Avengers back in time with a broken time machine.

They end up first in the cowboy times of 1876 where they help Two-Gun Kid, Rawhide Kid, and Ghost Rider or Phantom Rider thwart some gimmicky gang leaders and a giant alien that looks like a totem pole.

Sure, they’re stuck in the past but its a rollicking fun adventure. People like cowboy adventures, right!

Unable to fix the time machine, Wonder Man suggests going all the way back to Ancient Egypt and getting Nice Rama-Tut to fix the machine for them.

While trying a test run of going back to 1776, Ghost Rider clonks Mockingbird and kidnaps her because he’s an obsessed creep.

The West Coast Avengers wind up in 1776 and Mockingbird is carried off by Ghost Rider.

Two-Gun Kid and Rawhide Kid track down Ghost Rider but he’s given Mockingbird a magic potion that makes her love him and she helps him fight off the two Kids.

Back in 1776, the West Coast Avengers wind up fighting some Spanish soldiers and Wonder Man accidentally explodes an armful of guns right next to Hawkeye, badly burning one of his archery arms.

The Avengers meet Carlotta Valdez, a woman that is maybe Firebird/La Espirita’s ancestor and whose death La Espirita had a vision of the first time she was hanging out with the team!

Hawkeye writes a note for her to pass down her family and hopefully eventually reach the Fantastic Four who can come rescue the time-lost team.

Because time is silly like that and coincidences happen more often than not, the inkjet arrowhead Hawkeye used to write the note is found by potioned up Mockingbird in 1876 and taken as a keepsake.

Also, in the present year of 1987, La Espirita interrupted Hank Pym’s suicide and helped him get his groove back.

As you can tell, a lot is going on. Just so much.

Look at this splash page, we’re following four separate threads because in addition to the present, the past, and the further past, we’re still following Carlotta.

Its a nice touch that in issue four, we’ve split the plot into four different threads. But this story arc has a lot of issues. How many plot threads are we going to wind up with before the end??

ANYWAY

July, 1776, and the West Coast Avengers minus Mockingbird are flying towards Egypt.

But that’s a lot of ground to cover and Hawkeye isn’t doing great after being exploded. Carlotta treated his burns with salve but he needs a real doctor.

So they’re taking a detour to the Philadelphia.

Although its not really a detour when their destination is so far away.

Hawkeye reminds everyone that hey it may seem like going to Egypt is their only hope for getting back to their own time but don’t forget! He wrote a note and gave it to a random person who was probably Firebird’s ancestor!

That note will totally get where it needs to go!

Wonder Man: “A message telling her to contact the FF and have them come get us with their time machine! We should go to Brooklyn, and I can sell you a bridge!”

Tigra casually rearranges their flying arrangement so Wonder Man is carrying her on the time platform so she can very casually tell him to stop being a dick.

Wonder Man: “You and I haven’t had much time together lately!”

Tigra: “And we’re gonna have less if you don’t shape up, you turkey!”

Wonder Man: “What -- ?”

Tigra: “Listen -- I know you’re real proud of yourself these days, but you’re still a part of a group! This group! I spent too much time being a pain in the Whackos’ butt to let anybody else start up now! We don’t need this ‘team’s strongest man’ contest you’ve started with Tony, okay?”

Wonder Man: “Then maybe I’ve outgrown the team -- !”

Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out then?

Look.

I generally like Wonder Man as a concept and sometimes as a person. But he’s been a dick lately. And the team has been stagnant lately. Where’s that patented Avengers dynamic roster?

Wonder Man storming off in a huff and becoming a solo act would be just the ticket.

I crave change!

Anyway.

While the West Coast Avengers are still in July, Carlotta’s part of the plot is one month ahead in August, 1776.

So she can be on her trip to California that La Espirita had a vision of.

She’s riding in the carriage with a priest and with her aunt and complaining how boring it is. She’d rather be riding her horse instead of sitting in the carriage with two fuddy duddies.

Carlotta starts bragging about how she met some flying British spies and treated their wounds but the two chaperones think she’s just making up stories.

So she ditches the carriage to ride her horse like she wanted to and to make time with a handsome captain.

Thennn there’s an attack by first nationers.

Who probably have some grievances but everyone just starts shooting guns so who can say.

Carlotta joins in the shooting because she has a gun so why not but then she gets shot from behind.

In the vision it was a mystery who shot her and here... its also still a mystery who shot her.

I don’t know if we’ll ever learn.

It’s only the Spanish soldiers who have guns and the shot seems to have come from behind her, where the Spanish soldiers would have been.

So was it just friendly fire?

The tragedy of being in the wrong place at the wrong time?

Because her priest and aunt chaperones make it through this just fine. Is the point that if she’d behaved and stayed put, she’d be alive? If so, I’m glad that the book is vague on the subject.

The priest comes to hear her last confession and she first makes him promise to safeguard the note she got from Hawkeye.

So at least that plot thread is still going somewhere, even if Carlotta no longer is.

Sorry, Carlotta. You seemed cool.

A MONTH AGO, in July, 1776, the West Coast Avengers arrive in Philadelphia.

Hawkeye has passed out from his injuries so he really needs a doctor ASAP.

Wonder Man swears that Hawkeye won’t die while the West Coast Avengers are on duty and since Wonder Man has been such a pill lately, Tigra honestly can’t tell if he’s serious or is just being a dick again using his ACTING to pretend to care.

While Tigra watches Hawkeye in an alley, Iron Man and Wonder Man go to find the doctor.

They have to steal clothes because their money is not legal tender yet and also they really don’t blend in with their ridiculous clothes and awesome power armor.

Wonder Man, still being a pill: “Once you take that armor off, you’re just a normal guy, aren’t you?”

Tony Stark, Iron Man: “I can put it back on at a moment’s notice!”

Normal guy but also genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist.

Stop starting shit, Simon.

Anyway, big nerd Tony Stark nerds out about being in Philadelphia in July, 1776 while Simon Williams, only a big nerd about science, really doesn’t give a crap. He even tells Tony “I studied science, not history!”

But Tony is really excited and a little disappointed that this isn’t a sightseeing trip. He wants to watch all this history being made! But Hawkeye is dying so dangit I guess we got priorities.

And as Tony and Simon walk off to find a doctor for Hawkeye, they miss Dr Strange, Clea, and Evil Sorcerer Disguised As Benjamin Franklin walking around the corner.

Womp womp!

They coulda gotten home without a trip to Egypt.

Also: Dr Strange is a doctor!

(Side note: Aside from Dr Strange and Clea being in 1776, Captain America is also apparently in town accidentally inspiring the American flag in a bootstrap paradox. The marvel wiki wryly notes “It's probably safe to assume Philadelphia in July, 1776 was just lousy with visiting time travelers.”)

ANYWAY

One hundred years in the future, 1876, Ghost Rider arrives in Lordsburg, New Mexico with his new potioned girlfriend slash coerced captive Mockingbird.

Lordsburg is where Ghost Rider’s secret identity Lincoln Slade is a marshal.

Ghost Rider aka Lincoln Slade doesn’t think Two-Gun and Rawhide Kids will give up on hunting him but he also doesn’t think they’ll be able to find him once he and Mockingbird decostume and move into town.

When Lincoln takes off his spooky outfit, he actually briefly feels bad about drugging a woman to love him but then thinks ‘don’t I deserve happiness too??’ and puts it out of mind.

So he goes and interacts with what are probably a supporting cast from his old book maybe. He buys a dress for Mockingbird to wear (she didn’t exactly bring a change of clothes) and sneaks her into his room in the marshal’s station.

Mockingbobbi boots Lincoln out of the room so she can change into her new Old West dress and contemplates the inkjet arrowhead that she found.

She has no idea what it is but it fascinates it does. So she decides to wear it as a necklace.

Which - after he finishes drooling over her in her new dress - does Lincoln a startle. Because it looks like a Hawkeye arrowhead but that’s clearly impossible! Hawkeye was never in Ghost Rider’s secret cave, as far as Ghost Rider knows!

So he shakes off his paranoia and goes to introduce Bobbi around town.

BACK ONE HUNDRED YEARS AGO in 1776, the West Coast Avengers minus Mockingbird jet over the Atlantic.

Hawkeye’s off-panel doctoring has left him feeling much better, although not a whole lot better.

Simon used his UNHOLY ACTING TALENT to convince the off-panel doctor that Hawkeye’s garish getup was a circus. Helped by the fact that well his original costume was based on a circus outfit so it wasn’t actually much of a lie.

The West Coast Avengers have apparently made good time because after some hours of travel, they’re approaching England.

Hm. Hey. Wonder Man doesn’t actually fly under his own power. He has a little jetpack or whatever.

Does it have infinite fuel or something? I looked on the wiki and it apparently has enough fuel for five hours of continuous flight. So this trip across the Atlantic could fall within that time frame.

But what is it fueled with that they could find to refuel it with in 1776? Because the team also flew from the pre-American Southwest to the East Coast.

Ah well. These kinds of logistics are probably why Simon eventually became capable of self-propulsion.

The concept of England reminds Iron Man of magicians. A magician (LIKE DR STRANGE FOR EXAMPLE??) could send them back to the present easily enough.

Usually Iron Man doesn’t like magic. Or maybe that’s more of a modern thing that has become a retroactive thing. But in either case, he’s willing to try it out.

Because: for example: Merlin in King Arthur’s time.

Pretty famous wizard. And a time frame that isn’t as far back as Ancient Egypt so at least they have a fallback.

Hawkeye protests that in the Marvel universe, there are several people that call themselves Merlin and some of them are liable to be good and friendly and many are not.

Heck, a recent Black Knight miniseries has revealed that Camelot Merlin was himself kind of a massive asshole.

So, maybe a bigger gamble than the West Coast Avengers would like.

Tigra suggests Prester John, the guy with the Evil Eye that caused the Avengers/Defenders War.

But Hawkeye again partypoops and points out that Prester John wasn’t a time traveler. He just lived a super long time because he had a special chair.

Okay so all the options that anybody can think of besides going to Egypt have been shot down? Lets go to Egypt!

I’m glad that they at least tried to think of different options though.

Maybe the Avengers should have a ‘So You’re Trapped in the Past’ class about various time travelers to look out for. They could have gone to the point when the Thing was Blackbeard, for example.

That’s only sixty some years before where they are now. It’s doable.

You guys have gotta learn more about what your friends the Fantastic Four are up to.

In fact, if the first trip hadn’t taken you so far back, you could have gone to World War II and waited for future past Captain America to show up to watch Bucky die, for closure reasons.

And apparently the Stone Age is just lousy with time travelers.

The Marvel Universe is a silly place.

Anyway, Egypt.

Back in the present times of 1987, Hank and La Espirita have started to wonder where the Avengers are.

Hank is worried because they went looking for her but she’s here so what’s keeping them from returning having not found her?

But La Espirita isn’t worried because “nobody’s ever beaten the Avengers! That’s why I admire them so!”

But she suggests praying for them if Hank is worried.

And while she’s showing off her family Bible, Hawkeye’s note from the past times drops out and she shoves it back in without looking.

Dangit, Bonita!

Also, Hank, singular scientist that he is, doesn’t really believe that prayer does shit.

So he declines, as politely as he can bother, and La Espirita shrugs and moves back on with her Help Hank project by poking another sore spot in his personality.

Now that Hank’s explained everything about Pym Particles, she asks him about his experience in robotics. And specifically Ultron.

Y’know, it’s a good thing Bonita is good. Because this would be the perfect cover for someone who wanted all of Hank’s secrets and technology.

He’s practically giving it away.

Anyway: Ultron.

Hank Pym: “I devised an artificial intelligence system based on the android known as Dragon Man -- but I accidentally went too far, and gave it enough self-reference to achieve self-awareness! it began to evolve itself without my knowledge -- rebuilding itself without my help -- Do you really have some idea where you’re going with this?”

La Espirita: “I’m just letting the spirit move me, but I’m beginning to see a brilliant shining goal -- ! Tell me more -- !”

It’s kind of funny that Hank’s biggest failure was caused by him succeeding too much.

Like, his big insecurity that often drives him is that he doesn’t measure up to the other prominent Marvel scientists. But he tried to create just a test artificial intelligence and accidentally made one self-aware.

Granted, it’ll turn out that’s at least partially because he jammed his own brain into there but still.

Maybe Hank’s failure in the lab since was a subconscious fear of what new horrors he would wrought if he stretched his genius to its limit. So he self-sabotages and half-asses and then gets frustrated with himself for not making anything good.

I dunno.

BACK IN 1776, the West Coast Avengers arrive in Egypt and land by the Sphinx.

Which is just stone but still seems annoyed with them somehow.

Maybe it was that crack about Bakersfield.

Despite traveling all day, Hawkeye wants them to press on until they’re back in the present.

Then, while Wonder Man sets up the time platform for the big trip to 3000 BC, a group of pissed off Egyptians attack the weirdo outsiders who just flew into town because we gotta get an action scene into here.

It’s just been talking.

Sure, having them shout about flying infidels before attacking is probably racist but uh... yeah its not great.

The very brief fight scene choreography is a little great. Or passable, at least.

Iron Man grabs what looks like half the crowd at the same time to just gently shove them away.

The physics of that astound me.

Tigra nimbly traverses the crowd by head and shoulder, the way a cat might.

While Hawkeye can’t fire his bow with one arm in a sling but he can just use a gas arrow by waving it around while holding his breath.

With enough time bought during the entirely pointless one page fight scene with a bunch of bystanders who were very angry at the Avengers who didn’t really try very hard not to upset the locals, Wonder Man finishes programming the time platform and AWAY THEY GO

To 2920 BC

Where they land near a crowd of locals so they can get into another pointless fight scene.

This time they’re mistaken as demons.

But c’mon. At least confuse Tigra for a servant of Sekhmet or something.

A priest calls an end to all these shenanigans because dammit, is he the only one who remembers Ancient Egyptian history??

Shamaz, high priest of the Pharaoh: “<These aren’t the first strange men and women to appear on the flying square! Many years ago, the four in blue came the same way!>”

And then he starts speaking to the West Coast Avengers in modern English.

A language that he definitely knows despite it very not existing yet. Not even being a linguistic glimmer in someone’s eye.

Somehow, I want to blame the Fantastic Four for this but Kang would definitely demand his high priest learn English, right?

Hawkeye is not doing well at this point. He’s jetlagged from crossing the ocean and now he’s time lagged and his burns are getting to him again. He’s sweating really bad and he can barely stumble through a sentence.

But he tells the high priest that he needs to speak to Pharaoh Rama-Tut to get their time machine fixed.

That’s quite impossible though because according to Shamaz, Rama-Tut is preparing to enter suspended animation so he can wake up in time for the Celestial Madonna Saga.

Plus, Shamaz points out that Rama-Tut might not even be able to fix a time machine. He destroyed his own time machine and if he could have a new one built, he wouldn’t take the long way to the present.

Iron Man: “We must speak to Rama-Tut directly! This is extremely serious!”

Shamaz: “So are the burial rites of Pharaoahs!”

Wonder Man: “How’d you like to get buried yourself, tough guy! I’ll put you a good mile underground if you don’t quit screwin’ around here!”

And he flies up and puts the guy in an armlock.

You’d think this would restart hostilities but apparently one of these people flying off the handle and threatening him with violence convinces Shamaz that they really are the people that Rama-Tut is going to aid in the relative future.

... Rama-Tut, what the hell have you been telling your high priest?

Honestly, Shamaz is kind of fascinating. He’s got a good head on his shoulders. And he knows enough to just sigh and go ‘these assholes again’ when time traveling superheroes show up instead of thinking its demons.

Anyway. He directs them where to find Rama-Tut.

Unfortunately for the West Coast Avengers, Shamaz was entirely correct that Rama-Tut is in no state to help randos right now.

In preparation for sleeping for thousands of years... uh... Rama-Tut is in that half-asleep state where he’s almost entirely but not quite incoherent.

He’s going to be no help.

Once when I was half asleep like this, I promised myself I could sleep another hour because I’d just use my time machine to make up the time. Unlike the various Kangses, I didn’t actually have one. But it seemed very convincing when I needed to persuade my brain to go back to sleep.

Anyway.

Hawkeye starts shouting at this point because dangit, they’ve come all this way and all this time and in the future Hawkeye will help out Rama-Tut so Rama-Tut can damn well help him now in the past!

In his not-quite-lucid state, Rama-Tut suggests that “...go... to... my first reign... knew... machines... then...!”

Which is not helpful, actually!

In Rama-Tut’s first reign, he was very Kangy. I.e. a dick. And a creep. He tried to enslave the Fantastic Four and he’ll probably definitely not be disposed to help out some poor mixed up time travelers.

Iron Man suggests that the (West Coast) Avengers will do whatever Hawkeye wants them to do but Hawkeye’s about done.

Hawkeye: “I’ve been -- kiddin’ us all! I’m about -- out of -- it! You have to -- decide -- this time -- knowing -- it’ll be -- the three of -- you -- fightin’ alone! I can’t -- help -- any -- more -- !”

Iron Man: “Nor need you!”

Wonder Man: “You molded us into a team that can take care of itself, and you!”

Tigra: “Simon and I were misfits before! We owe you far more than a free ride now!”

Iron Man: “We’ll go to the younger Rama-Tut and we’ll get Bobbi and we’ll go home! That’s a promise from Iron Man!”

Hawkeye: “Th -- thanks -- !”

Right before Hawkeye passes out - because yeah he almost immediately passes out after this - he names Iron Man interim chairman.

To some upset.

Mostly Simon.

Simon’s upset.

He’s been angling to replace Hawkeye. Or at least he mentioned once that maybe Hawkeye was too emotionally and physically compromised and maybe Wonder Man should take over.

And he’s been grumpy about Iron Man also.

So now he’s doubly grumpy. Angry even. Shouting.

And I can think of several good reasons why Hawkeye chose Iron Man. Seniority. Already experienced as a leader. Didn’t explode the previous leader.

But Iron Man just goes with ‘he said what he said so live with it.’

So they say goodbye to cool guy Shamaz and head back in time again.

Just twenty more years back, to 2940 BC.

So.

Uh. Why did they do this?

I know Nice Rama-Tut suggested it. But he’s spouting half-asleep nonsense.

If the problem is that he’s too sleepy to help, why not go back a couple days? Instead of taking a chance on Mean Rama-Tut?

Why did nobody suggest this?

The issue was so good at throwing out ideas only to dismiss them earlier. It could at least dismiss going to talk to Nice Rama-Tut earlier as being too likely to Change Time Oh No since Shamaz didn’t know them already.

That’d be something.

Anyway.

When the West Coast Avengers show up in 2940 BC, Mean Rama-Tut immediately shoots them.

Womp womp!

Follow @essential-avengers for more nitpicking bad decision making. I’m assuming there will be more of it. Like and reblog perhaps.

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