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owls-den · 2 years

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"Chip On My Shoulder" - Chapter 01

THE FIRST CHAPTER FOR MY TRIP AS POKEMON COORDINATOR/MUSICAL ACTOR FANFICTION IS FINALLY OUT!!! WOOP WOOP!!

❝ After losing so close to his goal, Trip is left at a loss at what to do with his life. His rivals are moving on with theirs, so why can't he? Questioning the very reason he has gone on this journey in the first place, he does not suspect that a seemingly innocuous step into the world of musical theater will have such an impact on his future, bringing him closer to people he once shunned. ❞

This took... forever. I kept second guessing myself and how to write it but it's finally there!!... Now for the second chapter... ueueueue

It has Legally Blonde spoilers, like I'm describing a LOT of the musical, so please do go watch it if you haven't and don't wanna get spoiled. It's a pretty cool musical either way :DD

Thanks to @mangoberri for the beta reading :))

The chapter is also available on here JUST under the cut if you don't want to go on AO3!

Take back the books and pack up the clothes Clear out the room and drop off the key Leave with what's left of my dignity Get in the car and just go Chalk it all up to experience They said I'd fail but I disagreed Who could say then where my path would lead...

A dull sound accompanied Serperior's fall on the battlefield, sounding a verdict Trip pained to believe.

He had lost. He had finally reached the Vertress Conference, the whole point of his journey, and he had lost.

And as if it was not humiliating enough, he fell at the very first turn; a humbling experience.

Cheers echoed around him, so loud, overwhelming his senses... And in the center of this attention stood a victorious Ash, hugging his Pikachu with a glee none could rival.

A glee he envied.

The other trainer walked up to him to shake hands enthusiastically, complimenting him on a fight well fought. But, was it? Was this the grandiose battle he really had been awaiting? A repeat of their first match? Or perhaps Ash simply enjoyed it because it was Trip he was facing, an encounter which only rarely occurred on their respective journey - which was due to Trip's habit of deliberately avoiding the carefree Kantonese. He came to regret it as, for all its brevity, on that battlefield, he had felt alive like never before, their rivalry invigorating him with feelings he could only explain as exhilarating. If he had to lose to anyone, he was glad that at least, it had been to him, as underwhelming this ultimate face off turned out to be... He smiled bittersweetly and returned the grip firmly. A shame he was to discover an appreciation for fighting his rival so late in their respective journey.

Trip left the arena swiftly after his defeat, not wanting to linger any longer than necessary. He had no one to cheer for, nor did he desire to. Despite leaving Ash on amicable ground, losing never got any easier. He couldn't help being disappointed that he never got to fight him with his full team. It could have been a battle that he would have remembered fondly. One where losing would have felt somewhat acceptable. Or he could have even won, proving to everyone his strength and faced Alder in an epic match and...

His grip tightened around one of his folded shirts, shaking the slightest bit, emotions he dared not show, even to himself, threatening to spill at any moment.

What was he thinking… this had been pathetic. If that was the extent of his resolve, did he even deserve to call himself a pokemon trainer?

Trip took a deep shallow breath, using it to find the strength to shove the cloth back in his bag. He slung it across his chest and barely checked the pristine room he did not have the opportunity to sleep in even once. He barely registered going downstairs to return the key at the hotel's reception before leaving.

His thoughts were deafening on the train leading to Nimbasa. The small rocking of the cart failed to ground or soothe him. It all just felt like a mirage. In the end, had it been worth it? He had been so focused on his goal to prove himself to Alder and... Well, he supposed in a way he had succeeded in that aspect but where did that leave him? What was he to do now?

He looked up from the crimson rubber flooring. Other trainers who had suffered from the same fate were crowded there. He spotted more than one with the very same expression he was sporting, depicting a deep feeling of loss and disbelief. Others seemed to take it in stride, joking good naturedly that their opponent deserved to win either way. He wished he could be this optimistic, but that ship had sailed long ago. Sobs attracted his gaze to a group of youngsters, their parents attempting to console them, their soft reassurances lost in the hubbub trapped within the cabin.

He frowned and checked his Xtranceiver almost mechanically, sighing quietly seeing no messages were received for the duration of the competition. What was he expecting? A message of any kind? An acknowledgement of how far he'd gone? He should know better by now but it seemed he'd never learn. He let his eyes unfocus on the flowing background, letting the deep dreary alloy orange hue of the sun set on his weary thoughts.

It was too early that the voice of the announcer crackled to life, letting him know that they grew nearer to the Nimbasa City battle subway. Passengers clutched onto bars in anticipation for the stop. Trip gathered his meager belongings, verifying he had not left anything behind as the vehicle slowed to a crawl in a terrible shrieking sound. Once the train finally settled, he got up, following countless other nameless figures out of the car. Just as the last time he visited, the station was full of incessant chatter, announcements over loudspeakers, poorly chosen radio stations and the unbearable smell of aged spilled coffee. He wrinkled his nose at that last one, eyeing a cup with a melted label crushed on the brick flooring, without a doubt rendered like this after a stampede of impatient passengers. He supposed he could find solace in at least one person having a worse day than his.

Hands in his pockets, Trip marched towards the ticket dispenser, just as crowded as any other part of the rail station. The subway bosses must have been quite busy in this season, fighting rejects from the Pokemon League. He himself wouldn't have minded some training here, after all he never did take the time to partake in this activity and he heard Ingo and Emmet were as strong, if not stronger, than some gym leaders. Not that it was a very high bar to pass, if you asked him. He entertained the idea for a bit. Some easy fights could soothe his bruised ego. Trip looked over to the terminal, considering participating.

Two girls were hounding it, giggling while they were choosing which train to hop on. They were taking forever, manicured hands hovering over the "Confirm" button but never actively pressing it, too busy they were fawning over whichever topic he had not cared to grasp.

Alright, so no battle subway for today then.

He looked around for another terminal but it would seem to be the only one around. Grand.

"In case you have not noticed, there is a line." he said, loud enough for the bitterness to seep through his words.

The girls squeaked and turned around to glare at him. One of them promptly apologized, although it felt quite insincere, and quietly told her friend to quickly pick one. He thanked the local deities when they finally did and walked away, pointedly ignoring the other muttering colorful insults his way.

At long last, he stepped to the machine and input his destination. No trains were serving directly to Nuvema so he settled for Accumula. An additional bus drive would not kill him. He did feel disappointed when he noticed the next train would arrive in nearly three hours. Not necessarily surprising, considering the scarcity of the trains serving there, but disappointing all the same. He scanned his subway card and the ticket sprung out of the distributor in a flash. He took it and double checked the time and where it would arrive. He was reading it over when he noticed, something falling in his line of sight. Lying on the floor, exiting the machine, was a ticket around the same size as the one he was holding. Did he accidentally reserve two? Trip bent down, picked it up and flipped it, inspecting the thin cardboard. These girls must have left it behind by accident or something. It was a bright magenta ticket with printed black lettering. A ticket for a performance called "Legally Blonde". He knew they seemed airheaded but who in their right mind would just abandon a ticket for a play at the Music Hall? He heard in passing that they could be quite expensive.

Trip decided to do his one good deed of the day and headed towards the main desk. Perhaps they'd come back looking for it and he honestly did not want them to assume he stole it or encourage some other nonsensical conclusions. The lady tending it was apparently too busy pinning back her bun while wrestling with the chord of her earbuds to notice him standing right there. He bit back the want to make a snide remark about her diligence at work and instead cleared his throat. Her hand stopped fiddling with her hair, one earbud falling out of her ear (letting him hear her, frankly, outrageous music tastes. Could these screams really be called 'music'?!) as her eyes lazily traveled in his direction. She, at least, straightened up although, to his dismay, he suspected it had less to do with her professionalism and more with his shorter stature.

"Yes, hello, how may I help you?"

He extended the ticket towards her without any further ceremony. She awkwardly stared at it.

"I found this at the ticket dispenser. I assume it might have been left behind by the people before me." he explained as plainly as he possibly could.

She seemed puzzled for a second, tilting her head ever so slightly to the side, her hair already undoing itself with the faint movement. Finally, as he started to think she was going to ignore him in favor of grooming herself, she took the pink ticket and inspected it front and back, her eyebrows furrowing as she read the title.

"Where exactly did you get it, again?"

Just his luck that he had to run into a daft individual who could not be bothered to listen to basic inquiries. He closed his eyes, inhaled deeply, willing himself to be patient.

"As I have stated, I got it at the ticket dispenser." his voice sounded strained, failing to disguise his frustration.

The woman looked at it once again, seemingly concentrating the little reasoning functions she possessed on this one task, then, coming to a conclusion, she pushed back the ticket towards him. "Then it must be yours then!"

How did she even land this job? Didn't you need the barest of listening comprehension or even common sense for that matter to work in this field? Maybe he should recommend this place to Bianca, her short attention span seemed like a standard here. Trip pinched the bridge of his nose for a second. A sigh mixed with a condescending chuckle readily crawled its way out of his throat.

"No, surely not, unless the ticket dispenser in this very establishment has started to print expensive Music Hall tickets alongside train-"

"Yes, it is part of our culture advertising campaign, would you like to learn more about it?" she interrupted sweetly, although he could sense a tension in her voice, not unlike his own.

That was... Not what he had expected. He bit the inside of his cheek before inquiring any further.

"Culture advertising campaign?"

"Yes. Youths under the age of twenty-five are offered by multiple services, on occasion, tickets to visit different locations to broaden their cultural landscape. It can be a visit to a museum, to a historical site, to an art gallery or, in this case, to a theater. Which one is received depends on the location in which you have bought your ticket, so to make it more accessible. We usually provide tickets relying on the time of arrival of your train as a distraction." her words were said in a fake, rehearsed cheery voice, as if she had been forced to repeat this exact speech one time too many. She mechanically gave him a flier and slipped the magenta ticket in the fold. He gingerly accepted it without a word. A stock photo of smiling and laughing people surrounded by the blandest scenery he had ever seen was on the first page, a bright yellow logo he did not recognize at the top. He pocketed it but had every intention to throw it away at the nearest bin. Noticing she was still looking at him expectedly, he simply gave an awkward nod in her direction and left as promptly as possible.

The light briefly blinded him before revealing the overactive city of Nimbasa. It was always moving, running, never asleep. The city of entertainment had always been one he did not care much for. On his pokemon journey, his visit to the city had been brief to participate in the local tournament (that he lost just as fast, perhaps he should have noticed that pattern by now). The gym challenge did not leave him with much time for leisure so he pretty much overlooked Nimbasa altogether. He could only remember a vague time when he had gone to the local theme park with his parents. He had been a child then, enjoying the different rides... He gazed longingly a second too long at the ferris-wheel, visible from across the city.

Trip slipped his hands in the pockets of his dress pants and started walking, feeling the flier, now warm against his hand. Right, he had to get rid of that. His feet led him to a small natural park, a space tucked away from the screaming neons, finding an odd sense of relaxation enhanced by the scent of freshly budding poppies and the coolness provided by the water fountain. Few people were present, basking in the calm this haven provided, the trees' branches doing a decent job at hiding the overwhelming presence of the bustling city surrounding them. Wild Pidove gathered next to the coveted trash can, picking at abandoned pokemon food scattered about by careless individuals. Trip got out the folded sheet of paper and threw it unceremoniously in the bin. A frustrated sigh escaped him when he noticed this blasted ticket slither away once more, falling smoothly onto the dirt.

"... You've got to be kidding me..." he muttered while picking it up once more. Prepared to rectify the situation and dispose of it, he couldn't help but let his eyes notice the time on it. The play was to start in thirty minutes and would, apparently, end some time before his train was to arrive.

For the first time since he accidentally received this invitation of sorts, he considered it. Trip did not have much to do before his train arrived and he feared that if he was to be alone with his thoughts again for three additional hours, his anxiety might poison his mind with 'what ifs' and 'what could have beens'. It was actually this last point that made him decide to walk away from the park, startling the eating pokemons, ticket firmly in hand.

The moment he found himself right in front of the theater and its needlessly blinding neons, Trip knew he should have just stuck to the park. He furrowed his brows and his eyes traveled back to the offending piece of paper in his hand. "Legally Blonde" was to start in less than ten minutes.

It was now or never.

With a barely contained sigh, he entered through the automatic doors. Eccentric looking folks were inside, looking at posters that surprised him in their variety. He refused to look at them for too long, even though some of their composition was somewhat interesting to him.

Trip wanted this torture to be cut as short as possible, thank you very much.

He handed his ticket, now somewhat covered in dirt, to the finely dressed middle aged man in charge of checking these. The older gentleman readjusted his glasses somewhat, his face betraying some surprise; be it at the state of the piece of paper or its affiliated musical. Trip didn't know which one to assume but it was enough for a feeling of self-consciousness to rise within him. He surely looked very out of place here. He really should have checked on his Xtranceiver first what the synopsis was, it would have spared him some embarrassment. What if it was an outrageous performance? Arceus, what did he sign up for?!

Trip turned his face to the side, hiding his reddening face behind his bangs, as the man gave the ticket back to him along with a small booklet, absolutely clueless to the shame the young man was experiencing. He uttered a barely audible “thank you” and walked away, feeling his face heating up the more he saw teenage girls accumulate at the entrance alongside him. By the time he found a seat, he was wondering what he even was doing there in the first place, sandwiched between two different groups of youngsters who were obnoxiously loud. He even managed to spot, in his boredom, the two girls that had been hogging the ticket dispenser.

What a time to be alive.

Trip sat awkwardly on the, admittedly cozy, seat. A shame that the leg room really left to be desired. As short as he was, his entire height was stored in his legs, stripping him of the one perk of being under 5'3. He shifted a little, trying to find a comfortable spot on the chair, which earned him whines from the people around him, as insignificant his movements were. He ignored them, satisfied to have found the one position that would, hopefully, not leave him all cramped up for the duration of this play. He finally turned his attention to the small book he had received. That must have been the program. The cover was most likely a monochrome rendition of the promotional poster, representing a woman holding gigantic books with the title placated on it.

Trip was starting to wonder why every musical poster had to state in their name "the musical". Seemed quite redundant to him.

The one saving grace of this cover was the Lillipup next to the ecstatic woman. Maybe one of these Pokemon Musicals he had heard of. He opened it, hoping to distract himself from the overwhelming chatter surrounding him and to find out what this play had in store for him. The first few pages had nothing he found relevant, mostly the names of actors, producers and other stage hands he had never heard about. And by the first few pages, he meant the entirety of the booklet. It was full of small blurbs of information about the people behind the show, who they were, what they did... He kept hoping the next page would have a piece of information he would care about but, alas, the only relevant one he could find was the name of the numbers. Not exactly helpful but at least he could gather from the titles that the "Legally" in "Legally Blonde" was somehow related to the judicial system while the "Blonde" part could easily explain the more... Oddly named ones. He frowned at some of them when, finally, the light started to dim on the public. He disposed of the booklet, putting it in his pocket, while every single teenager around him childishly shushed each other loudly. The shushes suddenly got replaced by the loudest applause and cheers he had ever heard the moment the music started to soar up on stage. He supposed it was customary to do so at the start of a show and just clapped awkwardly. The light on stage was slowly turning on, finally uncovering a pink cartoonish building... So far, very on brand. He crossed his arms, sinking into the seat, bracing himself for the longest two hours of his life.

The first singers finally appeared at the windows. He watched the stage intently, eyes slightly narrowed. So far, from what he could gather, the supposed protagonist, Elle, was awaiting her fiancé's proposal and-

"Ohmigod, ohmigod you guys!"

Was it too late to get up and leave? Apparently so since the people sandwiching him only glared at him when he politely gestured for them to move. Trip crossed his arms once more, now pouting and furrowing his brows.

He begrudgingly kept watching - after all, what else was he to do - and his eyes actually opened wide at one of the early quick changes. Obviously, the character was played by two actors sliding down the bar, it was quite obvious since their build did not match, but he had to recognize that this could have easily fooled anyone else.

The brief respite he got was when the Lilipup on the poster actually ran up on stage. He had to recognize the pokemon had been very well trained and did not miss any cues. So far, this little guy was his favorite actor in the whole show.

The main character finally appeared, and went to get ready for the proposal and... honestly, he couldn't care less at this point. He watched, absolutely not taking in any of the information at his disposal. At least the Lilipup was still there. He hoped this little one would go far in his career.

At long last, the first number ended. He let out a sigh of relief. This had felt like it took an eternity to complete... The two main characters started making out and he couldn't help feeling slightly disgusted. The moment they sat at the dinner table - surrounded by a decor that was simple yet effective, he could admit as much - he just knew another long and uninteresting number was to start. He groaned when he was proven right, once more, and the most classic of love songs, sung with as many riffs as possible, filled the theater. His grip tightened around his jacket.

This was bordering on torture. Were people really watching this and enjoying it? It was just... So generic. Perhaps he just wasn't the target audience; he never really understood romance or its appeal. The only entertainment value really came from the girl and some small gestures she'd do in the back. This was getting incredibly boring still. No one would notice if he rested his eyes, right?

"That's why you and I!!"

He closed them and leaned back in his seat-

"Should break up!"

He reopened them violently, as shocked by that line as the protagonist was. This... Well he took back what he had just thought about "predictability", this came right out of left field! The man tried to explain it away, about how he could not be successful without someone "serious" and, while Trip could not totally disagree with that notion, the dejected look of the actress made him pause. The scene faded, his interest peaking back despite his better judgement.

This unpredictability did not go away. He kept trying to guess where the plot would go, or how a song would end without much success. Maybe he should have seen coming the foolish plan Elle made up about joining Harvard just to see her ex but he was entirely blindsided by the progression of the song, the way Harvard's aesthetic clashed with hers and the moment he witnessed her burst into the office, backed by a group of cheerleaders, he just didn't know what to think about this musical anymore. It was absolutely overwhelming how energetic every single scene ended up being. By the time she was accepted in, he decided he would stop thinking, lay back, relax and do his best to "enjoy" the show.

There were a lot of things he was left confused about. Like, why was this hairstylist so taken with the concept of Galar? What was up with this chorus showing up in the middle? Were these actors actually jumping rope while singing? Yet, despite all of these questions floating inside his head, he started... Appreciating the craftsmanship behind the show. It was very well put together and he was enjoying the dynamic between the characters; especially between Emmet and Elle. He also couldn't stop the smile on his face when a Snubbull came on stage during the middle of the first act! He had heard of pokemons acting in musicals before but he had not thought this one would include them; let alone two! Truth be told, he was getting slightly impressed with a lot of aspects of this show: most songs ended up being very enjoyable and the various props and techniques they used to achieve practical effects on stage worked wonders. Their transitions from one scene to another were so smooth with their decor that he felt completely immersed, forgetting for an instant the strangers' presence. Not that he was invested, mind you! Not at all! This was still a dumb show for teenage girls, he could just appreciate the work that had been put into it, that was all!

He was not getting invested.

"No he didn't just...!" Trip gasped audibly alongside his peers.

He was getting invested.

The trial scene had made a smile creep onto his face with how extra it was, although he supposed this entire show could be called that (especially considering the number that had taken place right before said trial; a number which had made him question how it would be relevant when it came back to slap him in the face, somehow becoming a plot point). The scene post trial however was full of tension he tried to ignore as his instinct couldn't possibly be right. Something was amiss but he was in blissful denial... The show had always proven itself to be full of surprise and perhaps, this one was the biggest in its obviousness. He had not even realized he had spoken his thoughts out loud, instead readjusting himself in his chair, a hand half covering his lips.

Then, for the first time in this entire outlandish experience, the music slowed to a crawl, shaping itself into a ballad. The one and only number in the show to be devoid of energy and positivity; just like the protagonist in that very instant, thrown out from the place where she felt like she belonged.

As he was listening, his throat felt like it was caving onto itself. Emotions he had been pushing down the entire day clawed their way up, destroying the careful walls he had built to keep them at bay, to not express them in a public space. He dug his fingers into the armchair, the smallest of sobs breaking through. Trip fought the urge to cover his mouth to muffle the pathetic sound that managed to get out. This feeling of not belonging anymore, having to leave some place you called home, a profession where you were talented in, the years you took honing your skills... He had never thought he would hear a song that would resonate with him on such a level. Just a couple hours prior, he had been Elle, having to leave and put on a brave front when really, the very act was killing him. At least, she had Emmet, someone who loved her, begged her to stay... Would things have turned out differently if he had had someone like that?

... No.

Maybe Ash had been his Emmet, his chance of staying, of looking back, but just like Elle, he had denied him, accepting that it had not been up to him. Just because he yearned to go back on the battlefield did not mean he could.

His fate had been sealed the very moment his Serperior had fallen.

Or maybe it had been when Ash had been declared his opponent, by the cruel hand of fate...

Or maybe it had been when they first met and he insulted him to his face.

He didn't know anymore nor did he wish to know. It was gone and it would not come back.

But the musical was far from over. It should not end on such a bitter note, he supposed. All of her previous rivals and friends came together, to tell her to come back as who she truly was to save the day... And she did! Despite the pain, she bounced right back and used her odd pieces of knowledge as a weapon to find out the true culprit! She became the major of her promotion, rejected the man she had been chasing, realizing her true love was someone who respected her and that she respected right back... Everyone got their satisfying happy ending... And was it true? Could everyone really get back up from such a humiliating loss and grasp at this hope? Was it possible that he too could find a drive, the strength to show the world who he really was and achieve his ambitions? Or was this only possible in an idealistic world, neatly written for people to disconnect from the mourn reality?

The music was at its peak when everyone started applauding, the lights on stage now gone. He did the same, clapping frantically at one of the best performances he had seen in years, when the light came back on the public, the actors running back on stage for their bow… and... it started occuring to him that he had just spent two hours, almost straight, watching a stupid musical along hundreds of strangers, letting himself get emotionally invested to the point of showing his pitiful feelings for everyone to see. He could feel his eyes still being a little puffy from earlier. He felt... Ashamed to have cried in front of others, even if they had not been looking. He refused to get out the small fabric handkerchief he had in his pocket, although it would have helped get rid of the last evidences of his emotional outburst. Instead, he got up, not caring that other spectators threw dirty looks at him.

Trip just needed to get out of there.

His legs almost hurt after such a long time confined in the small space between the seats but it did not stop him from striding across the theater to get some fresh air. He took a deep breath outside, the smell of gasoline flooding his senses, grappling him back to reality. The change of scenery almost felt uncanny after being immersed in the play for so long. Trip stayed there for some time, unmoving, recollecting himself. He checked his Xtranceiver, without thinking, realizing his train would leave in under an hour. He stashed his hands in the pockets of his dress pants and started his mindless walk back towards the Nimbasa Battle Subway.

If his eyes were still slightly red, he could blame it on the never ending fumes of the exhaust pipes.

#chip on my shoulder #trip #fanfiction #OH MY GOD ITS FINALLY OUT #pokemon fanfiction #ao3 #BRUH I ALMOST POSTED IT ON MY DND SIDE BLOG HAHAHA #Thanks to people who supported me by saying this was a good idea for a fanfic #I was gonna keep this fanfic idea as a joke but y'all made me want to actually make it a story #owl writes #is now a new tag I'll use in the future I guess

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heroes-trash · 4 years

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personality + powers (theory)

far as i know / have heard, there are 4 possible explanations as to why a person has the power that they have.

the first two are almost the same, really: random chance and genetic inheritance. why they’re the same? because the chance of inheriting (not to mention, expressing!) the exact same traits one of your parents had is pretty low irl as well. much higher is the chance to have something similar, but not rarely are children rather different from both of their parents.

the other two are the ones the show propagates, and while they’re not at all alike, they’re still intertwined: convenience and personality.

the convenience theory is brought up by Daphne in the scene where she, Matt and Ando debate what’ll happen if Ando receives the serum - Daphne is convinced it’ll give him something he needs, citing it’s what happened to her and claiming it also describes Matt’s situation. but the way she says it... it could also make a rather good case for a personality-based theory, and that’s also the one i see most often in fandom.

which is why under the cut, i will go through every single powered character on the show (who we know a reasonable much about) and do a quick analysis of how well each of the latter theories fits them ^^

credited-as main characters:

Peter: personality-based seems more likely, as he is a very giving/empathetic person, and he wants to be extraordinary

Claire: if her ability had activated in Meredith’s burning home, i’d have argued for convenience, but a simple cut in her palm (however deep).... nah. neither seems to apply much here in fact

Hiro: personality-based maybe, because of all his heroic dreams

Matt: Daphne claimed he’d ‘always’ worried was others thought of him, so you can kind of argue personality... but mostly i suppose convenience, in his job as well as possibly generally because of his dyslexia (although he was adamant about not using it to his advantage that way)

Mohinder: one could argue convenience if you consider the fact that some guys tried to rob him when he was still dozing after the injection, and the first thing he did was defend himself against them... but you can defend yourself with many abilities. i once read that his ability amplified him because he’d always ‘had more in him’, and while cheesy, maybe that’s true? so personality-based for him i’d wager

Nathan: his ‘high ambitions’ are basically a running gag at this point, and the comics never fail to overstate how much he’d always loved flying - hell, even the show hints at it. so personality-based for him for sure

Sylar: while we can’t be certain when exactly he activated (at the latest eclipse, or even in his early childhood?), it’s undeniable he is fascinated with complex things. personality-based again

Angela: her powers have often been convenient, but also pretty hit-and-miss; especially at the start, fatally so. and unless you make the stretch to her taking responsibility (= being farsighted) young, i don’t really see personality-based either, so neither seems to really apply

Micah: we first see him use his power to help his family, but he surely had it before - he seemed confident with it already at that point. he’s smart, and very interested in electronics; though we can’t know for sure which came first (see Sylar), personality-based is likely here too

D.L.: arguably a good example for convenience, as he (according to some deleted scenes, anyway) first manifested when he was desperate to get out of prison

Isaac: as apparently you don’t need to be able to paint to be a precog painter (see Peter’s stick figures), i don’t see how either much applies here...

Elle: again neither looks very likely, unless you stretch personality-based to electrifying-slash-prickly (and she activated at nine so ,,,)

Monica: she’s ambitious and wants to be more successful than her family before her, and support them and herself - so is that convenience or personality, now? i’d argue convenience, because nothing in her suggests she specifically wants to copy other people

Samuel: frankly we don’t know enough of him to argue for either, but it’s definitely not convenience-based because he literally activated before he was born (much like Nathan and Malina), sooo

Ando: funnily enough, although Daphne argued so hard for convenience, i’d say it’s a personality-based case for him - he is the devoted friend, the designated sidekick in the best way. or is that convenience again after all... bit of both maybe

Niki: i’m not quite sure about convenience here honestly, as we don’t really see her first first time of using her ability (Jessica threatening her (their?) father was an early one, but the first?? no, how would she even know?) - and it’s even kinda implied in the comics that the triplets all started expressing theirs as teenagers or even younger - but the strength of an abuse survivor....... yeah i’d go with personality-based

Maya: she’s a bit whiny and occasionally bitter sure, but there’s nothing in her personality to suggest she wants to commit mass murder every time she’s upset. it’s not even convenient, really [well it was in Exodus but ,,,] so [for the timeline we wound up getting] i’d argue neither

Adam: what i couldn’t claim for Claire, absolutely applies to him - his ability literally saved his life upon first manifesting, so convenience here for sure. (although he’s pretty persevering, in a very weasle-y way...)

Tracy: again with the comics implying the triplets activated as teens / even kids!!! but discounting that.... personality-based, i guess? what with her ice-cold career-orientated attitude... sure there’s some convenience in the mix, but there are a lot more convenient ways of getting rid of a journalist than killing him, so :’D

other relevant characters, introduced in S1:

René: convenience is straight out of the window here, considering his primary ability activating got his people killed/abused, and his secondary ability activating killed those oppressors (which only on first glance sounds good) - but personality-based? i’m not sure either... he’s an unsuspecting little fellow, but that’s not quite enough... and he uses his ability to fight against ability abuse he experienced as a kid, but i’m still not sure. thoughts? i’ll tentatively say neither...

Molly: neither really fits, far as we know

Charlie: she has a strong interest in learning and we can at least assume that didn’t just start when she discovered she was good at it - so i’d say personality-based

Claude: i’d tentatively argue for convenience, as he isn’t exactly the most subtle fellow... and has been obscuring his identity even before he started working for the Company (!!), so he’s likely running from smth, for which his ability is definitely very useful

Sanjog: we absolutely don’t know enough about him to argue for either, although he does seem to embrace his ability, so maybe he wanted something like this....?? really all speculation though

Charles: he seems like an empathetic, kind man - so telepathy isn’t the biggest stretch for personality-based. it is however some stretch, so how about convenience? well; we do see him using it to stop (well...pause) racist regulations and police brutality......

Linderman: very classic case of convenience-based, as the first time he activated, he healed his dying mother

Ted: neither in my opinion - his ability isn’t even slightly convenient for him, and he is stubborn not unstable far as we at all know

Hana: possibly neither, possibly a bit of both, as she is a descendant of fighters and a spy herself - but then that’s too wide a field, a lot of abilities could help with that... i say neither

Eden: convenience, as she first used it to escape her oppressive home

Paulette: we don’t really know enough about her to argue for either

Meredith: neither seems quite likely - her ability hasn’t exactly brought her much luck, and she has a strong character but not exactly fiery enough to quite play into that cliché, either

Kaito: very likely personality-based, as his ability plays right into his career ambitions (in fact pretty much was what made him so successful so fast)

Candice: something both, something in-between, maybe? she dreamed herself away, and dreamt of punishing her bullies, and she could do both with this ability

other relevant characters, introduced in later seasons:

West: he enjoys being special, but apart from that, there is no real evidence that can be used to argue for either

Alejandro: [if you even assume he has an ability, i personally have some Doubts] probably personality-based, as he is Maya’s other half one way or another

Bob: his ability is objectively convenient, but i’m still not sure an argument can be made for either, as too little (= nothing) is known about his childhood, and neither about his character except ambitious/controlling and kind of a loser when it comes to relationships (divorced and often the fifth (or seventh) wheel when younger)

Maury: another case of too little information for either - he seems to submit to strength/authority rather easily, and only ever committed petty crime, so one can’t argue for criminal mastermind either

Doyle: i don’t think there’s been any information on how he activated (correct me if i’m wrong), and while he does use his ability to compensate for being unsuccessful in forming,, Any kinds of relationships, i still wouldn’t say it’s necessarily personality-based (and something this broad definitely doesn’t qualify as convenience)

Alice: her ability isn’t exactly what you’d call convenient :’D and personality-based would probably be something more fairytale-esque for her, so that’s out as well

Alex: he’s a swimmer, so a bit in-between i suppose (we once more don’t know enough to argue semantics)

Samson: we definitely don’t know enough about him or what he was like before activating (is this ‘putting animals/people to sleep’ thing even part of his primary ability, or does is that just his preferred hunting tool like telekinesis is for his son?)

Luke: we don’t know how he first activated, but maybe personality-based works if you stretch it to ‘destructive teen’...?

'Baron Samedi’: both seem plausible if he’s always dreamed of ‘making it big’ (in his way), which i think we can safely assume, but once more we don’t know nearly enough about his childhood, and technically there’s a lot of ability that are good for demonstrating strenght... maybe he first activated in a firefight (with the Tonton Macoute?).........?? but that’s pure speculation

Arthur: he has always been ruthless and controlling, and never for a minute believed that people with abilities should stick together by default - being able to take them away from others to strengthen himself fully plays into his personality imo

Ishi: apart from apparently being a nurturing, sweet mother, we know little of her... i’d tentatively argue for personality-based, but who knows how she activated?? too little information, again

Daphne: convenience for sure, there’s a reasons she made a case for that

Knox: general question - is ‘circumstances X grew up in’ still convenience or personality already?

Jesse: same as Knox pretty much, we can’t know

Flint: i’d carefully say unstable temperament -> personality

Scott: again a bit of a what-came-first question: he wanted to be ‘’better’’, but did he always want that or did that only come from past failures and the resulting fear for the future? we don’t know because we barely know him

James Martin: i’ll stick my neck out for personality-based, that he’d longed to be somebody else, somebody significant for a while even before activating (i mean - why else impersonate others instead of just improving himself?)

Emma: mostly convenience-based, but as she has a general affinity for music and soft things... in-between, maybe?

Edgar: IF he was indeed the commitment-averse guy Lydia described, i’d say personality-based, but i’m honestly torn about that and don’t have any other significant things, so i won’t speak a final verdict

Rebecca: convenience for sure, for hiding and revenge

Lydia: assuming here she indeed activated young, this is another difficult one - maybe she was always empathetic, maybe not??

Joseph: his ability sure is convenient, but it’s absolutely unclear whether other people perceived him as pleasant/trustworthy because he made them feel that way (literally) or whether that links back to his true character. he seems like a responsible guy overall, but that doesn’t get you to either side of the coin, only an in-between

now i left out some of the most obviously inherited ones / ones that at least have a heritable component. those are, in short: Peter(-Arthur), Matt(-Maury), Sylar(-Samson), (Maya-Alejandro?), Ted(-Mindy), Meredith(-Flint), and the Bowman family

and i also left out Reborn, which works a lot more with heritable abilities, but this post is really long enough already :’D

so, final summary (regarding convenience vs personality):

convenience-based: 11

personality-based: 15

both/in-between: 4

neither: 12

too little information: 14

which makes for a pretty even split that lets one argue for whatever they prefer, honestly XD still hope this was enlightening/interesting to read, and looking forward to all of your opinions!!

#nbc heroes #primatech #heroes theories #do you disagree with any of my verdicts? (or do you have any questions? i know i referenced the comics a lot)#(i had to otherwise 'too little information' would've been like;; half ?? lmao)

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abimess · 2 years

Text

Secretly yours

Wanda Maximoff x Reader

Summary: There are only two things you know for sure: 1) you love Wanda; and 2) you're not good enough for her.

Warnings: angst

Pronouns: not used || Word count: 659

This is... too personal, I don't know why I'm posting this. I just had to get it off my chest I guess. Well, hope you like it.

You do NOT have permission to repost or translate my work on any platforms (even with credit)

Masterlist || Library Blog

───── ⋅ ⋇ ❅ ⋇ ⋅ ─────

"It's not polite to stare." An amused, husky voice sounds right beside you, making you laugh through your nose softly. "Hi, Nat." You greet as the redhead approaches you, her eyes looking at you knowingly before shifting to the place yours were a few seconds ago.

On the other corner of the party you see her, the girl who does not leave your mind at any time while you're awake. The girl who makes your heart clench in the most painful way possible.

Wanda is beautiful, her black dress highlighting all the details you love so much about her. Talking to Vision, the younger redhead laughs at something the android said, and you smile easily at the melodic sound.

"She looks happy." You comment, your eyes never leaving her figure, your voice giving away every trace of melancholy within you.

"She does." Nat agrees, nodding lightly as she watches you with caution, "I know how she'd look happier, though." She adds, making you let out a sad giggle. "I strongly disagree."

"I thought you liked her." Your former mentor says curiosity, and you turn to face her for the first time during that conversation.

"I do! God, I love her." You confess, your gaze returning to the woman who attracts you like the most powerful magnets on earth. Noticing Nat's confused gaze, you add, "I'm not what she wants."

"I heard you're exactly what she wants." Retorts the other Avenger, and you smile a sad smile as you take a sip of your almost forgotten wine. "She wants a life I'm not so sure I can offer her."

"What if you can?" Natasha asks almost defiantly, drawing your gaze to her once more. You shrug. "Then I guess I'll just have to hate myself for the rest of my life."

"Or you could try and find out if you can or not." She suggests in an almost singsong voice, but you shake your head in denial. "I'm not hurting her to find out. She deserves so much better than this."

"But what's best for you?" The redhead fires off another question and you almost tease her for her interrogation. But the truth is, you need to talk about it.

Your history with Wanda is somewhat complicated. More complicated than that, however, is the way your anxious mind and your fucked-up heart work. She doesn't deserve this. You can't hurt her any more than you already have.

"It doesn't matter." You answer finally, your eyes returning to Wanda and immediately burning at the sight of her having fun with Vision. At least there's someone capable of making her happy like she deserves. "All I care is what's best for her."

"You're too complicated." Natasha gives her verdict, and you let out a soft chuckle, nodding in agreement. "I know."

Noticing the tears you're trying more than anything not to let build up, the redhead decides to drop the subject.

"Merry Christmas." She says, giving your arm a gentle squeeze as she flashes you a reassuring smile, and you return it as best you can. "Merry Christmas."

As Natasha walks away, you return your gaze to the person to whom it belongs and hold your breath when you notice her looking back.

You raise your cup in a simple greeting, not trusting your feet to carry you there, much less your words if they are spoken directly to her.

Wanda, for her part, seems equally hesitant to come to you. So the redhead settles for just a small smile, the kind that makes your heart beat faster and the whole room go into slow motion.

But she soon returns her beautiful emerald eyes to the android next to her, and the moment is broken. So brief, so real, so painful.

You look away as well not long after, and as you seek refuge in yet another glass of the burning liquid, you try to convince yourself that it's better this way.

And that's it for today! I hope you enjoyed it, thoughts and comments are always welcome ツ

Taglist: @yuhloversxx @madamevirgo @an-evergreen-rose @helloalycia @wandas1mp @cantcontroltheirfear @diaryoflife @cristin-rjd @ensorcellme @aimezvousbrahms @natasha-danvers @purplemeetsblue @randomshyperson @peggycarter-steverogers @b0mbdotc0m @ethereal-pxradise @stephanieromanoff @tomy5girls @gingerbreadcookieforlife @imapotatao @musicinourlips @xxxtwilightaxelxxx @allfiguredout @olsensnpm @magicallymaximoff @nothing-isimpossible @mionemymind @itsmionet @xastrydx @sxfwap @nicole-rayleigh-hot @wellsayhelloaagin @midnight-lestrange @1-800-depressedlesbian @b-5by5 @blackwow34 @nervoustrack @somewhatgreatexpectations @yeetus-thyself @chelleztjs18 @franfineashell @mrromanoff (if you wanna be tagged check the form on my BIO)

#wanda maximoff x reader #wanda maximoff #wanda maximoff imagine

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diaryofomellas · 2 years

Text

This is the last post I will make about Lily Orchard on this blog. If she keeps pushing my buttons or if I keep receiving interesting asks on the subject, I will just make a sideblog for the purposes of unleashing hell. I am not the kind of person who sits tight while the others are punching me. I fucking fight back, especially when I know I'm right.

I'm gonna put it all under the cut because none of my followers should continue to be exposed to this crap. Y'all don't deserve the psychic damage.

Not bringing up issues until well after the fact.

"I don't remember unfollowing you, but now that you called my attention to it, I'm not gonna do anything about it and I won't follow you back because reasons."

We all know tumblr is buggy as all heck, but if someone I followed asked me why I stopped following them and I had no clue, I would follow them back. I mean... Wouldn't that be the most logical course of action?

It happened to me before. After cleaning up my following list of a few inactive blogs, I noticed I was no longer following a friend of mine. I assumed I must've accidentally unfollowed them during the cleanup so I just followed them back again. Simple as that.

But no... Lily is special. Logic doesn't apply to her. Lily had no issues to talk about and didn't have any memory of intentionally unfollowing me and yet, she never followed me back.

My verdict? BULLSHIT.

And then, a couple of weeks later, this happened.

I sinned. I dared to disagree politely with Lily Orchard by presenting arguments to support my point of view and we can't have that in this house!

Can you imagine the disaster it would be if suddenly her followers noticed that it was allowed to disagree with Lily? The scandal! There would be an uprising!

So what did she do? She hid my replies from her post. As if... Somehow that would erase the whole conversation?? Because we can't have this kind of discourse on her blog, oh no. No, let's just fucking hide all the evidence, sweep everything under the rug, no one can ever know!

BUT WAIT, there's more.

Maybe I was reaching. Maybe I was imagining things. But the timing was amazing, don't you agree? Sometimes life is just full of coincidences...

So obviously, because I had once asked Lily for us to always be honest with each other, I poked her on discord to talk about it.

When I brought up the issue the same day it happened and specifically asked her if there was something wrong, what did she do?

This Anduin topic is something that clearly bothers her and was clearly bothering her back then.

But of course, I am the one who doesn't bring up the issues until well after the fact. So well after the fact that she never fucking brought it up until after she blocked me. And if I hadn't asked Mikaila, I wouldn't even know what the issue was!

And, while we're at it, am I the only one who thinks it's ironic that Lily keeps complaining about not having enough interaction on her blog but then hides the replies when people interact with her?

Oh wait, I forgot. She only wants interaction when people are worshipping her and drinking her every word like they're dying of thirst in a desert and she's the only one offering a sip of truth water.

How many times did you see me comment on that Anduin plot arc in your fic? Truthfully, how many? I probably said something once or twice when it came up, and then never again. Even though you posted an uncomfortable amount of excerpts regarding that topic.

I'm sure there are records of it somewhere on the internet but I'm too tired to go look it up now. I couldn't even read those excerpts because I felt disgusted. But I didn't bring that issue up because, unlike you, I have common sense. I understand that it's your fucking fic and you can write whatever you want. I didn't think it was my place to question because I actually have a functional brain and I can separate fiction from reality.

I don't have an obsession with Anduin. With Sylvanas, sure. And I proudly admit to that!

What I also proudly admit to is having an obsession with the truth. And you no longer know what that word even means.

It's almost as if you're having difficulty keeping track of what actually happened and what you decided happened. You've thrown out so many lies that it's clear you're no longer able to keep track of them yourself.

Or maybe you can and you're just another toxic piece of shit floating around the interwebs.

Either way, it's unhealthy and you need help.

And, by the way, what you call "harassing your wife" was me giving you a chance to tell me why you two were lying before I made a post about it, and offering my support to her in spite of that. Like I have always done.

Out of respect for her and for the other people that were mentioned in that conversation I won't post the screenshots here. But I stand by everything I wrote to her today.

#receipts #lily orchard

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volturialice · 3 years

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HEAR ME OUT alice and emmett has adhd and jasper is autistic. you, as a twilight fan who does these characters justice in your fics, please tell me it makes sense

so this was such a good question I decided to Phone a Friend, by which I mean multiple friends who actually have some combination of these conditions (I myself...don't know, there's been some speculation among family and friends that I could have adhd but I would never claim something like that without a professional diagnosis), so thank you to @goldeneyedgirl, @jasper-is-a-snack and another tumblr-less friend for weighing in here! keep in mind that neither I nor they are licensed professionals, though, so huge grain of salt for pretty much everything I'm about to say.

the initial comments were "accurate" and "yeah" and then we got into discussing specifics about allegory vs representation and ableism in fiction and it took a while, so. as usual we're going UNDER THE CUT

broader context:

again, take all of this with a grain of salt since smeyer's authorial intent was clearly not to write neurodivergent or disabled characters—she even included the ableist idea that vampirism ""cures"" disabilities in twilight, so. yeah we're talking pretty much exclusively fan interpretation and fic author characterization here

alice and adhd:

alice definitely ticks the boxes for excitability and hyperactivity, and she frequently zones out (though this is due to her visions, so ymmv on whether that counts.) she was also institutionalized as a human, so that would make extra sense if she’s neurodivergent and psychic instead of merely psychic.

this is reason #1 you can also choose to see her visions as an allegory for mental illness—they're usually treated as a "gift" rather than a disability, but they 100% do get in the way of her ability to Pass for neurotypical—think the other cullens having to escort her to her seat in MS because she's so zoned out, or edward and bella distracting their human friends in eclipse to keep them from noticing that alice is having a vision.

culturally, there's a long history of psychic characters being written with disabilities—think the "blind seer" trope, the “mad seer” trope, or the fainting/epileptic seer trope. it makes sense to me—the idea that you trade one sense for another, that there's some sort of Cost involved in accessing this Forbidden Knowledge of the future (it’s also rooted in the fact that the ancient greeks thought epilepsy was sacred and the delphic oracle used to do hella drugs probably, but that’s a separate thing that I miiiiight have already written part of an au fic about oops.) I have yet to read any articles or opinions on whether or not this trope is ableist, tbh (if you find one, send it my way!) it seems to me like something that could be executed respectfully or poorly depending on the story/creator.

personally, when I sit down to write alice I'm not thinking "I will now write a character with adhd," but I wouldn't be surprised if my writing sometimes reads that way. one thing I do keep in mind about alice—at least, gifted!alice—is that her brain is constantly going in so many directions. she's perpetually overloaded with information, and acts on it in a way that can seem impulsive from the outside. that, combined with her excitable energy, can totally read as adhd. I think writing, say, a modern au!alice who has adhd in place of her gift could be a strong and interesting choice (I'm just gonna assume "*if done respectfully" goes without saying.)

does it make sense? verdict: yeah

emmett and adhd:

we didn’t discuss emmett as much, so this is mostly my own opinions. the one comment I did get from a friend was “[emmett’s impulsiveness reads more as] part of being a vampire, and not necessarily part of emmett.”

which...as I’m typing that out I realize I kiiiind of disagree? I think impulsiveness is part of his characterization. my main experience of adhd is with my younger brother, and he’s a very emmett-like person, so emmett definitely reads that way to me. his lack of a verbal filter, the way he’s a very physical person who often breaks things because he was just having fun and didn’t think his actions through—that’s all very familiar.

plus, the fanon characterization of emmett is that he’s not at all academically inclined (which I like; he definitely seems like the kind of person who prioritizes KINDNESS AND FUN over educational achievement for himself) which lines up with the experiences of a lot of (*american, anyway) people with adhd struggling to get by in an educational system that is Maximum Unhelpful to them and falls wayyyy short of their needs.

I know plenty of writers in the fandom have written adhd!emmett and dyslexic!emmett, and I think that 100% works without changing up his character much. we don’t see him struggle socially in canon, but we also only really see him interact with other supernatural beings, so that could be a factor.

does it make sense? verdict: yep

jasper and autism:

this one is a little less clear-cut, and sparked most of the debate. there are a lot of “it depends” things going on here.

here are the Jasper Qualities™ my friend listed that she’s found to be common in herself and other autistic people:

likes rigid guidelines and routines

taken advantage of, suggesting some level of social blindness

easily swayed/not strong in his convictions

BUT. the huge roadblock here is that human!jasper is described in canon as “charismatic” and able to manipulate others. this sparked a conversation about whether his social aptitude could be a masking behavior or not, etc etc. but to me it kind of boils down to how you choose to interpret that one sentence.

because, to me, in my personal reading, we never once see jasper exhibit anything like charisma. he’s terse and aloof, polite but makes no effort to reach out and interact with strangers, much less influence them. I’ve always chosen to interpret the “charisma” line to mean he was a completely different person in his human life. (and also that smeyer is a lazy writer who didn’t give a fuck about consistently fleshing out characters who weren’t edward and bella, but I mean. water is wet, we’re talking about a more good-faith interpretation here.)

I’ve always rejected the idea that “vampires never [mentally] grow or change” because that’s so boring and absolutely doesn’t line up with anything in the story. like, one whole POINT is that edward changes and grows dramatically by the end of the series (not necessarily for the better, but that’s a different conversation.)

and in jasper’s case, going from being a human teen with a successful racist military career where he never saw actual violence to eighty years of murder and violent conditioning and war crimes is bound to have, uh. had an effect on him.

could that effect mimic some characteristics of autism? maybe. I think you could make equal arguments for/against.

but as my friend pointed out, a lot of the characteristics jasper has in common with autistic people are just Vampire Magic Things. like, due to a combination of his gift and his poor control he’s easily overstimulated and avoids large crowds. those are sensory issues! but they stem from being a vampire.

so where I land is that, like alice and adhd, depending on your reading, jasper can be more of an allegory for autism than an actual autistic character. if you’re autistic and see yourself in him, great—that makes sense. if you, like my friend, don’t like hc-ing characters as autistic just because they’re “a character who is ‘quiet’ and ‘thinks a lot’ and is ‘mysterious,’” that’s also valid.

I personally think he’s a gray area. you could write him as autistic without changing his character too much, but that’s mostly because his character is hard to pin down and leaves a lot of room for interpretation in the first place.

in my own writing, I tend to give him some sensory and social issues. this is part my reading of canon and part my attempt to sort of keep/allude to his canon Vampiric Struggles™ even in human au situations. again, I’m not sitting down like “I will now write an autistic character” (that would require me to do a lot more research!), just kind of going “ok, this guy hates crowds and is susceptible to sensory overload. it’s no longer because he’s a magical vampire, it’s just how he is—but this is both an interesting character trait and recognizable to my audience, so let’s keep it and use it to further the story.”

does it make sense? verdict: up for interpretation

in conclusion

I really hope I didn’t say anything ableist or insensitive here, but if I did, let me know and I’ll be cool about it if you’re cool about it! seriously, I’m always happy to be corrected in good faith.

I’d also be interested to hear more people weigh in on this if y’all have Thoughts. slide into my askbox or tag me in a post and I’ll rb it!

PS - THANK YOU FOR SAYING I DO THE CHARACTERS JUSTICE IN MY FICS; I TRY VERY HARD :’)

#asks #anonymous #meta #abuse mention //#neurodivergence #fanon / hcs #long post //

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gryffindorkxdraws · 3 years

Note

Want to start off by saying that I love your mind! I was hoping to get your opinion on: what is it in jackunzel that makes it feel so right?

EDIT: changed a few things ehe

ngl i found this challenging cus it made me think of how the answer would vary per person (yeah i went there idk why sdjkknds) so lemme get logical for a sec here haha

what exactly is the definition of “feel right”?

to make someone feel relaxed and comfortable, as merriam-webster states

simple as that, right? but wait there’s more

what makes something/someone go under that category?

now from there it expands because there are so many ways of answering that with everyone having different opinions and mindsets.

fair warning before we push on, this is going to get messy (like a word vomit) with how i’m just going to pour out everything i can think off, but just know i really like this question hence the, uh, mess? lmao

so back to your question, what is it in jackunzel that makes it feel so right?

in one POV, it could be because of how rapunzel and jack represent the sun and the moon respectively, making them two contrasting sides who shouldn’t collide and yet, against all odds and opposing forces that would come between them, they did.

and we can bet on the fact that they fought hard/struggled for it, depending on how fanfic writers play with it (reminds of this sun/moon au that sold me to this trope lmao).

just because others said it’s impossible or it’s against whatever, why should they listen to the “norm?” what even is considered “normal,” when the two can explore so much more of what they could be missing from life after stepping out of others’ shadows?

i just love sun/moon dynamics. i’m obsessed lmao i read the ones below somewhere and idk where but it’s been living in my head rent free and i can’t escape it tho feel free to correct me about any of these symbol topic!

like the Sun, thoughtful and full of energy to share with everyone, is connected with one’s self and known to, yeah, radiate warmth or light. it also symbolizes firmness, strength and power. oh and life too i guess?

while the Moon, subtle but full of mysteries and wonders, can also get emotional and sway others to be more nurturing. cus like it also symbolizes calmness, beauty, and nurture. plus eternity and enlightenment?

the list goes on if we head into more of what it both symbolize, but when these two celestial bodies get together, masculine and feminine energies unite. the Sun gives out life, while the Moon cultivates it.

i have no idea where i’m going but moving on

maybe it’s that taste of rebellion with going against the authorities/society/rules/of what has always been set to find out who they’re meant to be or, y’know, finding their identity without the shackles of others (like jack learning he has the potential to be a guardian and embracing it in his own time, and rapunzel realizing she’s the lost princess and works hard to be a good one),

or there’s something about the mystery that follows the other because they’ve never met anyone quite like them (like exploring a world they’ve never set foot on),

or finding all the good and bad in each other and in their differences, but still loving the other for who they are,

or what one lacks the other makes up for it and vice versa. with or without them realizing they can help each other grow to be a better version of themselves.

opposites attract who are bound to be full of surprises.

but on the contrary, they could also be two peas of a pod. aight this definitely goes against what i said above with all the opposites and stuff, but hear me out.

while they grew up and learned how to cope with life differently, they somehow still share the same sentiments when it comes to, for example, reaching their goals.

they have their own way to go about it, sure, but my point is they can reach a common ground better together compared when they’re with others.

like rapunzel with the lanterns, and jack with his memories. at first, one hesitated and wavered, while the other disagreed and pulled away. it was only after they saw a chance/realized this was it that they agreed in a heartbeat

they ultimately made the choice of diving in head first regardless of their initial thoughts in the first place. kinda like the moment they realized they can be a step closer to what they’ve been yearning for their whole life

bam, out of the way, they’re coming through lmao

not only that, but they can also be soft, gentle, understanding despite rapunzel’s spontaneuosness and jack’s mischievousness. we’ve seen them interacting with children and they’re so good at lifting their spirits up to have some fun and that there will always be a tomorrow.

and with their peers too. rapunzel lights up even the darkest of rooms, may it be like fireworks to bring joy or a campfire to warm one’s heart. jack meanwhile keeps things light when everyone else feels tense, easing others to relax and remember there’s always a way out

don’t forget the way they both sacrifice themselves for who they care for. like, they just do that, putting others first before them. that scene of saving eugene and baby tooth aaahhhhdjhdskdjkbkfjdkjf

and when everything comes crashing down and the world feels heavy on their shoulders, they both know they’re not alone with the other there for them.

maybe it’s the mutual understanding they have for each other after opening up, and finding a friend/partner/home through the connection they made together,

or they could be a push and pull that leads them to showing an unexpected side of the other, but in reality they always had it in them and all they needed was someone to show the way,

or how they complement each other, but they’re not two halves of a whole, no, rather they’re already whole themselves and they only reminded each other that they are,

or it’s simply because they don’t feel the need to put up walls or anything of the likes, because they know that no matter what they’ll be accepted for who they are.

opposites who have so much more in common than they originally thought

in another POV it could be because of how they give such partners in crime vibe. lowkey or highkey, take your pick. nothing would stop them from moving forward to a new tomorrow, or honestly whatever it is they put their minds to.

and i am here for that

like i said in one of my posts, “They were a magnet for trouble, with the Sun being a free-spirited and vivacious fellow, and with the Moon’s knack for mischief and being a rebel without cause.”

while both are adventurous, ready to explore whatever is out there, all the while just wanting to have some fun, they still balance each other out.

with jack usually ready to do what he needs/wants to do (which helps rapunzel to trust her gut and take the risk. that he’ll be there for her whenever she’s ready to step out of her comfort zone and jump away from her tower)

and with rapunzel knowing how to handle sticky situations properly (which reminds jack that not everything has to be done harshly and abruptly. that while freezing someone could be fun, it won’t solve things in the long run)

am i making sense? idek but you’re stuck with me lol but before i forget and i can’t believe i just remembered now. the way they can help fill in on what the other is missing

rapunzel wants to see the world, what goes out there, with the people, society, and history i feel. and jack can take her to wherever she wants to go. hell, he’ll even surprise her and bring her to places he’d think she’ll like.

with his experiences, he’s bound to have an endless list of plans for them to go through and it’s no surprise that she’ll love it, and (him) his gesture, nonetheless

jack wants to be noticed by others, to be seen and heard for who he is. and rapunzel is such a welcoming person that she accepts him wholeheartedly. give him the love he was deprived of for years.

reassure him that even he has a place to call home because why would he be excluded from that? he deserves it just as much as she and everyone else does

also i like to think they brainstorm ideas together

maybe it’s how they’re both game for an adventure, sudden or not, and this makes it easy for them to team up together and take on the world

or the feeling of familiarity as they click and everything flows naturally to them, where nothing is forced or uncomfortable between them

or how it’s like they can hold on to each other, knowing the other won’t let go no matter what because they’ll always have each other through the ups and downs

or it’s in their shared smiles, mischievous sparks in their eyes, moving together to the music of their synchronized heartbeats, as they step forward to the vast unknown

finding the ‘one’ who understands them inside out that they feel at home with them

i’ve said so many things and threw out so many brain rot, but what exactly is my final answer?

it’s simple: who knows? now before you toss me aside, and i hope not lmao, lemme just say even with that kind of final verdict, you can still find beauty in it.

you see, there’s so much more to explore and delve into with jackunzel because of their potential, that i don’t want to make a set answer for your question. i’d rather much help you, and anyone else wondering, to come to an answer yourself and maybe even share/discuss it with others.

i’m running out of brain juice, but i at least hope this helped satisfy your curiosity behind your question since this is all i can give… for now, maybe? who knows lmao

tho i’ll be honest and admit i based these on how i feel about jackunzel. so if ever someone else out there wants to add more points they thought of, feel free to add on this

#rotbtd #jackunzel #rise of the brave tangled dragon #the big four #jack frost and rapunzel #jack frost #rapunzel corona #holy hell what possessed me to type a damn essay lmao #my writing

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acollapsar · 3 years

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✧ ° 𝐄𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞, 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲 & '𝐝𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐧 𝐚𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬'

This post is meant to function as a major piece of a character foundation for my specific take on Sebastian when it comes to my writing. In a way, I suppose this is half-a blog canon, half of an analysis post. I’ve taken the liberty of collecting what I’ve been given from the manga, anime, and various public comments made by Yana in the past, and mixed them all together and changed things up a bit for the SOLE PURPOSE of making my roleplaying experience more fun for me ( and, hopefully my partners ).

Most of the time I enjoy writing as ‘canonically as possible’ when it comes to my muses’ personalities and whatnot, and I sometimes view what the creator of a series say as ‘the law, this is how it is supposed to be like’ while also very carefully throwing my own ideas into the mix. When it comes to Sebastian specifically though, there are so, SO many different paths I could have taken in regards to his portrayal that I think all made perfect sense, but the one I ended up going for is the one I personally think I will have the most fun roleplaying/writing. Despite his... species, he’s come quite far in the manga itself, and he’s not untouchable of growing as a character - whether it be for the better, or for the worse.

The following text is the finished result of everything I’ve gathered together and then made slight changes to in order to have a good time writing this bastard while still attempting to keep him consistent and in-character, but... y’know, from a roleplayer’s perspective. I’m not out here trying to claim that what I say below the cut is 100% true to the CANON version of Sebastian Michaelis ( I’m not Yana, so obviously that’d be incredibly foolish of me ) or that my verdict under the cut is what I genuinely believe how Sebastian in the canon story functions/thinks/feels/etc. However, it is canon to my ‘canon divergent’ version of Sebastian, seeing as writing something 100% canon isn’t... super fun, and I think we’re all guilty of throwing canon out of the window sometimes --- whether we hate a particular canon aspect or just want to do something different instead. I always wanted to make my own version of him, even if it’s still fairly similar to canon.~

Hopefully I haven’t made him... too human, but I do believe what I’ve managed to throw together is an interesting read, but also makes it a bit more clear in what direction I’m aiming for. It’s perfectly fine you disagree with my ( hot ) takes, and you’re more than welcome to come to me if you have any questions ( who knows, maybe I missed out on something! ), but I kindly ask you to respect my portrayal of him even if you might not agree with it.

After all, even when ‘instructing’ the writers of the musicals, Yana told them to make their own version of him that they believed to be consistent, in-character and fitting for their take on Kuroshitsuji, so that is exactly what I’m going to do as well.~

DISCLAIMER: Spoiler warning for Kuroshitsuji II, as well as chapters 17, 22, 26, 29, 36, 64, 65, 99, 111, 117, 127, 130, 138, and 140 from the manga. Some of the panels shown have been edited together for the purpose of showing the course of important dialogue and/or to show specific actions as I’ve tried to not include too many full pages ( because this post is already way too long as it is ).

I am not going into details of whatever theories the fandom has come up with regarding other characters or the story, and since this text is supposed to partially function as a “from Sebastian’s point of view”-sort of thing, it is of course not going to be 100% correct when it comes to the motives, opinions, feelings, inner thoughts, etc. of other characters around him. So please keep that in mind!

Any of these points are subjects to change of course, but without further ado... I apologize for the massive wall of text, and hope I didn’t make things too confusing, but... I hope it’ll be interesting to read.~

It’s not a secret that Sebastian is ‘unable’ to comprehend most of the emotions of the humans around him. The only thing he can do is observing how they behave, and then draw conclusions based on what he sees ( example: if Human A insults Human B, then there’s a probability that Human B will be sad, and if Human B gets sad then that opens up many other doors to of what they might do when sad, and he can act as accordingly as he possibly can based on how many humans he has seen being sad in the past ), but he can very rarely ( if ever ) be empathic. But is that because of his species?

As I mentioned, I have taken the time to re-read through some of Yana’s older comments about Sebastian and demons in general, and she has expressed her own thoughts of how demons function, their behavior, and just their way of thinking in general, but not even she always seem to know exactly how they work to 100%. Even if the manga has only ever shown ONE single demon ( and more of his kind has been mentioned by other characters ) as of date, it’s quite clear that not every demon is the same. Sebastian is the ‘odd one out’ seeing as he’s so reserved in comparison to other ( off-panel, hypothetical ) demons, and will only ever sign up for one contract at the time ( and he even throws shade at others of his kind who doesn’t share his lifestyle ).

Blue Cult Arc, chapter 138:

He has his OWN set of ‘rules’ and ‘aesthetics’ that isn’t necessarily shared with other ( off-panel, hypothetical ) demons out there. That being said, it would be ridiculous to assume that every single demon in the Kuroshitsuji world functions the same when it comes to emotions and such ( especially if you take a look at the second season of the anime where we are introduced to five new demons with unique personalities minus the triplets, I’d say, and even if that season isn’t even considered as canon because it’s not, it is still something I’m going to keep in mind for the purpose of fleshing out Sebastian’s character ). For certain, they might have what one would call “demon traits” in common, such as the majority of them probably being incredibly prideful and narcissistic creatures, but those are not “demon-exclusive” traits to have. Demons have individually personalities, just like humans do - even if many of the fiends have many things in common. Every human is unique, but even if they too may or may not have many things in common as well, they all don’t have a ‘specific set of traits’ that always applies to them just because they’re human. Yet Sebastian has the nerve to claim that all humans are more or less the same ( despite the fact that he can also see how some of them are so different from one another that he even finds them fascinating and amusing ), but that’s just his narcissism flaring up seeing as he thinks WAY MORE highly of himself than any human he could ever imagine.

Emerald Witch Arc, chapter 99:

When Sebastian makes statements about how he doesn’t understand/comprehend certain aspects on the human species, he uses the ‘excuse’ that he’s a demon and that’s simply why he can’t bring himself to understand. However, considering not every single demon is the same ( some even being so influenced by humans/certain humans that they develop new traits for themselves they previously didn’t have Hannah Annafellows from Kuroshitsuji II ), it’s quite foolish of him to assume that they are all the same when, in actuality, they’re probably not - especially not when he thinks so highly of himself that HIS particular ‘way of living’ is what’s the most appealing. That is a PERSONAL preference he has - the keyword here being ‘personal’. Aka ‘this is my opinion, and to me, that is the ONLY valid one out there’.

However, by simply being ‘the odd one out’ ( as Yana has described him as ), it is still safe to assume that most demons out there indeed have A LOT of things in common ( hence why reapers specifically finds many, if not ALL demons absolutely revolting ) when it comes to their CHOSEN lifestyles. So sure, perhaps the majority of demons are more or less ‘the same’: they live simple lifestyles by eating every soul they come across, and even signing multiple contracts at the time - so perhaps it’s also safe to assume that you’d have to have a specific type of personality in order to allow yourself a life of feasting on every single soul you can find. Sebastian knows he’s the ‘odd one out’ ( which only fuels his narcissism even further ), he knows most demons lives differently than him. But by simply being the ‘odd one out’ after being a GLUTTONOUS demon himself, it’s very clear that any demon is perfectly capable of setting up their own, NEW rules and aesthetics in favor of ‘spicing up their lives’ if they just want to, and set their minds to it.

At the end of the day though, all demons’ personalities are different no matter how much in common the majority of them have. Sebastian’s personality didn’t change just because he decided to change some of his opinions. He grew bored of ‘devouring every dish that became available’ to him. He has his ways, and tends to stick to them as much as he possibly can, even when he at times shows signs of being an absolute hypocrite.

Circus Arc, chapter 36:

“You are different from devils in that you possess mean and complex malice... and you lie... You struggle desperately and kick others down. You rob and are robbed in return, all the while repeating your excuses... Yet still you aim for the wonder over the hills. That is exactly why I find humans so amusing.”

Luxury Liner Arc, chapter 65:

“How amusing... Even in death, humans continue to attempt to kick others down to obtain that which they desire. What truly avaricious beings.”

He fails to see how his own views of humans’ actions are not that different than from his own. While he believes that humans will do whatever it takes to get what they want ( wealth, revenge, power, love, etc. ), he is very much in the same boat. He even signs contracts with humans like these in order to get what he wants, no matter how gruesome, embarrassing, or tiresome the journey to finally get his reward might be. He is very determined and ambitious being. The reason why he fails to see such similarities is simply because he genuinely thinks he is superior to them, because he is ‘not like them’.

Because he draws such a CLEAR LINE between him and them ( the humans ), it makes it nearly IMPOSSIBLE for him to even consider that he might share some traits with the humans. And if he does manage to see some of it, he will usually brush it off as a ‘peculiar coincidence’ ( although, it usually really depends on the context/scenario ).

As mentioned, he uses the ‘excuse’ ( internally or not ) that he is a demon and that is why he can’t bring himself to comprehend certain things humans say and do. But considering not every demon is the same ( Sebastian himself being a fine example ), it really is a poor excuse because it automatically paints ALL demons as the same as him, despite the fact that he himself thinks he is different in comparison to others of his kind. And he is --- again, he is the odd-man out. Sebastian looks down on both humans AND other demons by default, because he believes that since HE used to be a gluttonous and greedy demon himself, then that is how the majority of his kind function as well. And it certainly doesn’t help his case either when other beings such as reapers ‘confirms’ that demons are gluttonous beasts that will take any soul they can lay their dirty hands on.

Circus Arc, chapter 26:

Obviously, what William is saying is with most certainty true; he has ‘lived’ ( *cough, cough* ) long enough as a shinigami to have a clear picture of what the average demon’s lifestyle is like, and so has many others of his kind - hence why there is a mutual ‘distaste’ between the two species. And, naturally, if you keep running into demons that lives the lifestyle of an average demon, of course you’re going to paint up an image of what the majority of them behaves like when it comes to soul-eating. However, even Will can tell that Sebastian is the ‘odd one out’, and he acknowledges this fact and is even grateful ( as grateful as Will out of all people can be, mind you... especially towards a demon ). Even though he will obviously not trust Sebastian fully, he acknowledges that he is not like the rest. By being bound to his master, Sebastian isn’t as much of a threat towards Will or his work, and they mutually agree to try and not get into each others’ ways and mess up the other’s work ( but should their paths cross, then they’ll obviously fight the other ). After all, if Sebastian truly wanted to devour every soul that came in his path, then he’d have a Smörgåsbord every single time the manor is attacked late at night.

There are OBVIOUS MOMENTS when Sebastian is genuinely TOUCHED ( whatever that may mean ) by the acts of humans. Especially when they manage to exceed his already-established expectations of them. One of the earliest ( and finest in my opinion ) examples of this is when Agni ( bless his soul ) SOMEHOW manages to do something Sebastian was never able to do; give clear and kind instructions to the servants of how they were supposed to do their jobs and actually do them good. Sebastian is a strict and ruthless superior in his role as a butler, and has VERY LITTLE patience with the staff, hence why it’s only one of the reasons why he tends to be so incredibly strict in his role as a butler.

Indian Butler Arc, chapter 17:

Agni’s kindness and generosity is what TRULY did the trick in order to motivate the servants to do what they were instructed to do. Sebastian isn’t a kind person. That is simply how his personality works, and when he takes on the role as a butler ( which he takes VEEEEERY seriously ), he has an additional way of thinking of how a butler is supposed to be like. The staff works for the Earl, Sebastian included, and with the exception of their master, Sebastian is their only superior, and given the fact that they are also humans on top of that, his personal opinions of humans in general tend to mingle with his professional ones ( basically, lowkey having a hard time keeping work and personal life separated - so much so that it literally makes their work suffer due to him not being able to properly train them to be the ‘perfect servants’ ).

Sebastian can pretend to be a human to the best of his abilities ( which is basically what he does nearly 24/7 ), but he rarely ALLOWS himself to be influenced by humans since he is constantly looking down at them as if they were insects. He ‘knows’ he is much better than them, which is exactly why he is so taken aback when one of them does something he has tried to do himself, but failed. Or, when they simply exceed his expectations in any other way - even when he knows he is fully capable of winning, and then proceeds to do so. When these moments happens, he is genuinely surprised, and does not think twice before giving said human the praise they deserve, even if he continues to look down on them for simply being a human.

Blue Cult Arc, chapter 117:

Not to mention his genuine feeling of surprise when his master out of all people gives him even the smallest of praise. o!Ciel is constantly aware of Sebastian’s presence, no matter where they are, and he knows his butler will come when called. He also knows that his demon butler is exactly that; a demon that will ( most probably ) consume his soul in the end. He knows his days are counted for, and has no reason to be kind or encouraging towards his servant - whether it is because he’s a devil or a mere servant as he is Sebastian’s ‘employer’. It’s obvious from the very start though that any type of ‘praise’ o!Ciel gives Sebastian ( whether he gives it directly to him or speaking about him in third-person ) is merely just him boasting about having such an excellent servant by his side. He’s basically flexing his resources, let’s be real.

Luxury Liner Arc, chapter 64:

However, from Sebastian’s perspective? Even though he’s very used to getting praise for his skills, appearance, work execution, etc. from people around him, he is most certainly not used to hearing it from his master. It’s a rare occurrence that he never sees coming. Yes, he’s a massive narcissist; a demon devoted to stay by his master side until the very end while carefully cultivating him as he so pleases - he has learned o!Ciel’s behavior and way of thinking that when he does something unexpected, Sebastian is genuinely surprised. Especially when it’s under such dangerous and catastrophic situations when it looks incredibly dark for the two.

Now, obviously Sebastian would have continued to do whatever it took in order to exit the battle on the Campania with their lives intact even if his master hadn’t flexed his resource, but it certainly BOOSTED Sebastian’s already strong confidence even further. His stamina ( which is already a great hassle for others to wear out ) was already at a dangerously low point after being completely cut open by a powerful shinigami’s death scythe, having his cinematic records shown, attempting to strike down three reapers at the same time while also making sure his master was safe. Doing all of this on a sinking ship swarmed by deadly Bizarre Dolls. Needless to say, that whole situation was quite the rollercoaster, but his master’s small comment not only served as an extra seasoning to the taste of his soul, it most certainly fueled Sebastian’s ego to even higher levels than what he himself is used to ( and, after receiving the praise, Sebastian really wanted to prove those words of praise to be true after hearing Ronald Knox refer to himself as ‘picking on the weak’ in regards to Sebastian, and proceeded to come at him with full force DESPITE his already low energy/stamina. Almost in the sense of; ‘I’ll show you who’s weak’ ). It’s easy for him to think he’s above others, and it’s easy for him to consume compliments given to him, but the effects of compliments given to him by his master out of all people? That one human that knows he will eventually end up being devoured by his demon butler? That is entirely different for him. And then...

Luxury Liner Arc, chapter 65:

The fight was already over at this point. o!Ciel had no reason to boast about his servant’s skills, because they were the only two living beings around at the time. Up until this point in the manga, the earl had never seen Sebastian in such a worn-out state, and I’m certain it alarmed him a bit. Sebastian is supposed to be this ‘unstoppable’ creature that cannot be killed or defeated, and the mere sight of him in such a gruesome and alarming state clearly showed that even his trusty demon butler was capable of being pushed to such lengths of exhaustion. Yet, they still... well, they didn’t win, but they got out alive, which was what truly mattered in that moment.

After striking down every single Bizarre Doll there were left in the waters, Sebastian finally fell down on his knees in pain. We already know since the very beginning that even if he has a high endurance in comparison to humans, he’s not immune to pain - and after the battle on the Campania, he was utterly exhausted due to how painful that whole ordeal was. And he still insisted on sticking to his ‘aesthetics’, apologizing for his current state and even claimed that he wasn’t FIT to be the butler of the Phantomhive family. Yes, he took the form of a butler when he was summoned by the boy because that is what he believed was the most fitting, but demon or not? The title of a butler was something that was OFFICIALLY GIVEN to him when he replaced Tanaka. He didn’t officially become the head butler until the Phantomhive butler-pin was nailed to his tailcoat. He cares about the role he is playing --- while it’s still ‘just an interesting game’ to him, he is obviously determined to do it justice. Which is only one of the reasons why he actually enjoys the butler lifestyle despite being a demon, and I am certain that a ( small ) part of him is going to miss his profession once the contract between him and his master has been fulfilled. He might be a fake human, but he is in no-way shape or form, a fake butler.

Whether the earl was genuine or just playing his own role in this moment, his out-of-the-blue “You did well today” compliment left Sebastian nearly speechless, and whether or not it was just another unexpected ‘seasoning’ to his soul, it made the demon feel something he’s not used to; flattery. Flattery, and discomfort over the sensation of it. Our narcissistic demon is so used to getting praise ( and hate in some instances ) from most of those around him, no matter if it’s wanted or not. But that is just the thing, isn’t it? It’s different when he didn’t ask for it, and it’s not entirely unwanted. The high level of narcissism ( not be confused with being selfish, even if he is that too ) this being has within makes it almost impossible to successfully flatter him, and the mere sensation of it made him feel uncomfortable just because he’s not use to it.

It is not only flattery he’s unfamiliar with. Understanding certain human emotions and being capable of feeling them are two completely different things, after all. For being someone that claims to not understand all emotions of humans, he is quite selective in his ways, isn’t he? We’ve seen him when he’s happy/amused, when he’s annoyed, angry, disgusted, relieved, gloomy, doubtful, surprised, flattered, offended, confused, bitter, disturbed, panicked, stressed, excited, proud and yes, even affectionate ( which is usually reserved for cats ). All of these are pretty human, aren’t they? All of these works perfectly in-line with his general personality. Not because he’s a demon. Now, obviously, not all beings or humans with similar personalities as Sebastian’s functions the same ( which only makes us all even more unique ), as some might have an easier time adapting and responding to other emotions such as fear, sadness, love, rage, compassion, heartache, grief, nervousness, vengeance, just to mention a few.

Due to his narcissistic, selfish, amoral, callous, prideful and confident personality, he rarely ( if ever ) encounter any instances when he ends up feeling an emotion he’s not familiar with. Feelings such as sadness, fear/dread, love and empahty being the four of the least common ones for him to encounter, and when he does, his usual response is discomfort because he’s not used to them.

We already know Sebastian considers himself to be above humans in particular. At this point, I don’t need to put so much emphasis on the fact that he’s a narcissistic and selfish bastard that cannot bring himself to feel genuine remorse or empathy for those around him. But for this next part, it is a crucial thing to remember.

Disclaimer: This part was partially inspired by this post ( it’s short, so please give it a read before you continue! ).

For being someone/a creature whom ‘cannot’ bring himself to feel for someone other than himself, Sebastian’s display upon finding Agni’s corpse in chapter 127 speaks volumes of exactly how much this PARTICULAR human being actually meant to him, a heartless demon. Agni was the first person to ever call him his friend, and given Sebastian’s devilishly long life, that’s a big deal. Why? Well, we do know there are more people around him that considers him as their friend, but these people genuinely don’t mean anything to Sebastian, because they haven’t ‘proved him wrong’ of his already established opinions like Agni did. No matter if he’s thinking like a demon or thinking like a butler, none of them fits his criteria of what a friend of HIS is supposed to be like. He might be their friend, but they are not his. When it comes to Agni in particular however, Sebastian had already started to grow a some kind of respect for the man before he was called his friend. Not only is this incredibly unusual for Sebastian and, possibly even a first for him --- which is why he reacts so strongly ( for being him ) when Agni calls him his friend for the first time.

Indian Butler, chapter 22:

Circus Arc, chapter 29:

“ And YOU, mister Sebastian! How can you call yourself Lord Ciel’s butler!? ”

“ ... Eh? ”

“ Let me say this as a fellow khansama... no.... as your FRIEND. Your first priority must be your master’s health! In this case, should you not consider Lord Ciel’s health and stop him forcibly, even if that should mean disobeying him? To always have your master be cheerful and healthy. For that, you must wager your life. Is that NOT the very ESSENCE of being a butler!? ”

“ ... I believe my duty is to fulfill my master’s wishes, but... certainly... there is an element of truth to what you say as well. ”

Agni had proven himself very early on that he was exactly what Sebastian considered a “perfect butler” ( apart from himself, of course ), even going as far as exceeding his exceptions of him by ultimately managing to do things Sebastian could not, and even explain things to Sebastian that he had previously not been able to even consider in the first place because he’s so narrow-minded and cut-off from humans. Not only was the man capable of keeping up a good amount of resistance against Sebastian in combat, but he also managed to prove over and over again that he’d do anything for his own master - something Sebastian 100% relates to. The only difference here being that Agni is devoted to Prince Soma without wanting something in return, because the Prince had already given him a second chance at life, so he has devoted said life to him. Not to mention the fact that Agni was the only one that was brave enough to let Sebastian know whenever he was doing something wrong ( of course, o!Ciel also does this, but that is obviously different - and whenever anyone else would, Sebastian wouldn’t take what he said of much value since they are, too, just another human ), even if he came apologizing about his outburst later on. But by the time he did, Sebastian would merely thank him for his guidance and actually keep his advice in mind for future reference.

Blue Cult Arc, chapter 127:

Moving on to another Agni-related topic, the moment he ( Sebastian ) can determine that Agni is no longer alive, he shows a display of rare sentiment on his part. This was someone that not only considered Sebastian to be his friend, but also someone Sebastian considered to be his. We already know Sebastian can sense the souls of humans around him at will, and he could easily have done that without even walking up to check whether Agni was breathing or not, but he didn’t. Why he didn’t do that when it would have been far easier is difficult to say - perhaps a part of him didn’t want to have it instantly confirmed to him as a part of him truly wished that that wasn’t the case. Or perhaps he was simply too caught up by the gruesome sight of the state of the indian butler that he just forgot, which is what I believe was the case. In any case though, upon checking Agni’s breathing and determining his final state, he discovers that his friend has indeed passed away.

Given the fact that we knew Sebastian held Agni is a much higher regard in compare to other humans, the unusually high level of sentiment Sebastian ( for being him ) expresses when it has been confirmed that his friend is dead is undoubtedly genuine. Why would he fake this expression when his master is the only one around to see it, and why would he fake it when he has nothing to gain from it? Faking sentiment for his master wouldn’t be a logical thing to do --- o!Ciel is shaken by the scene, but it’s not enough to earn a false act of sentiment from Sebastian for comfort ( and you could even say Sebastian wouldn’t even be able to fake it, considering that could potentially be a some form of lie --- which is something he is unable to do to his master ) and if you ask me, I’m pretty certain o!Ciel wouldn’t even have wanted to that from him out of all people anyways. As far as they know, someone had broken into the townhouse and actually managed kill a man that had in the past shown being capable of taking down a dozens of men in that matter of seconds. Needless to say, not only is the fact that they find a the only person Sebastian considered to be his friend dead, his death in itself is utterly shocking.

Upon forcefully opening the door Agni had been protecting and Sebastian sees who the other butler had been keeping safe, everything suddenly makes perfect sense to him. Agni, while being the absolute epitome of a butler, had done everything in his power to keep his master safe from the intruders. In doing so however, it would ultimately lead to Agni’s death, Sebastian realizes, and he is reminded once more exactly how different Agni is in compare to the rest of his kind. Yes, he is still a human and yes, he is obviously functioning as one, and yet... Somehow, this man had managed to earn a demon’s genuine respect. He had managed to earn his respect and even convince Sebastian that he was worthy of being called his friend. So much so that when the indian butler passes away, said demon is genuinely touched by the event when it finally happens.

Agni’s devotion to his own master, his capabilities to withstand Sebastian ( in his human form ) in combat ( and even end with a draw at one point ), his bravery, his humbleness, his ability to motivate other people... Sebastian has seen many humans being kind to one another before of course, but Agni is the first one to prove to that he did it all while genuinely wanting nothing in return, and Sebastian had acknowledged that at very early point in time ( however, even if he acknowledged it, it doesn’t mean that Sebastian himself would consider doing the same --- even if his current contract with his master hadn’t put him on such a short leash, because that’s simply not how his personality works ). Sebastian even acknowledges that Agni wished for his master to be happy and associated that with him being his servant. While Sebastian on the other hand, even if he might attempt to make his own master happy for as long as he is serving him, truth be told ---- Sebastian could never make o!Ciel 100% happy, and we all know exactly why. Agni always suceeded where Sebastian would fail, over and over again.

Sebastian considered Agni his friend from the moment the other told him that he was his. He was the very first person to ever say something like that to him. Being a demon, Sebastian is used to being looked down at by others whom knows his true colors, and he’s used to looking down at everyone else. Not only does he not consider anyone his friend because of these facts along with how his personality works ( aka basically ‘I have myself and that’s all I need’ ), his time on Earth is also very short the majority of the times he finds himself there during a contract; even if he might enjoy the company of certain individuals and can find them to amusing/entertaining it’s not like he’s going to miss them all that much when the time has come for his own departure.

Even though Agni wasn’t ever aware of what Sebastian truly is, he still somehow managed to make this demon believe that he was the exception of how humans usually are ( and as Yana once said in an interview, canon Sebastian considers humans as grasshoppers, but when it comes to Agni it was more of “He’s quite good for a grasshopper”, but that interview was over 10 years ago, and the linked post was published only a month before chapter 127 was released ). By simply being himself, Sebastian was both surprised and impressed by Agni and his actions even if he didn’t always understood them, and to see him go down in such an honorable way truly convinced Sebastian that he really was an exception among all other humans.

Needless to say... Even if they swiftly moved on after this scene, Agni’s death had an impact on Sebastian in this short moment. Might have been a small one, but an impact nonetheless.

It is difficult to say if he will miss Agni though. Sebastian knows that death comes to all humans eventually, and there is nothing he can do to prevent that even if he wanted to. However, with most certainty, he will remember him. It’s quite difficult to forget someone that had managed to exceed your expectations, surprise and impress you to the point that their death actually makes you feel sad or sentimental ( for probably the very first time in your life everi ) even if it’s only lasting for a moment.

Blue Cult Arc, chapter 130:

Moving on to the next topic. If we want to pinpoint a moment when Sebastian felt genuine dread, we need not look any further than chapter 130. In this chapter, it was revealed that the DESEASED Phantomhive twin was in fact alive. This is a huge deal when it comes to Sebastian’s emotional state, because up until this very moment, he was 100% certain that the Earl had lost his life the same night he was summoned. Why? Because it was his soul that had been used as a payment for Sebastian to even be able to cross realms to begin with. Without the sacrifice o!Ciel made, it would have been IMPOSSIBLE for the demon to be present. The demon took his soul when it was offered. It’s gone. It can never be returned. Sebastian KNEW he had accepted the sacrifice, devoured it, and yet, the Earl is standing there - ( seemingly ) alive and well right before his own eyes. Needless to say, he’s experiencing something he is not AT ALL familiar with.

The dread that is reflecting in his eyes is as clear as day, and it’s most likely something we’re either going to see at least one more time in the story, or never again. Due to his overall confidence, being afraid is not usual for Sebastian. The dread ( and confusion ) he is experiencing in this moment is probably even a first for him; never before has he ever encountered a moment when he was so extremely lost as what to think or believe. And it, quite frankly, scares him a bit. This is before it is also revealed that it was the Undertaker that had been behind the rise of the Earl all along, and it’s only until after that moment Sebastian manages to collect himself again. It becomes clear that r!Ciel is in fact not a living human being and thus, Sebastian is able to put two-and-two together, and is more disturbed by the whole thing if anything. But before that? He has no IDEA how on Earth the older twin could be standing there, seemingly alive before his very own eyes when he knew that the boy’s soul had already been taken by him. You could say it’s quite strange that he didn’t turn on his soul-sensing abilities to check and make sure r!Ciel is actually alive, but I honestly think he was in such deep shock that he didn’t think about it.

While we don’t get to see how he responds to such a strong emotion, it is safe to say he was far too caught up in the moment to feel the same type of discomfort as he did when experiencing genuine flattery. If anything, the discomfort he found himself in was based on the fact that he could LITERALLY not believe his own two eyes, and not because of the emotion itself.

It’s not a secret that Sebastian is incredibly fond of felines of any kind. So much so that he on several occasions even forgets what he was doing in favor of scooping up a stray in his arms to cuddle and pet it. There are few things Sebastian likes about the human world, but cats are undoubtedly at the top of the short list of things he truly enjoys about it. Considering they don’t have cats from the realm he hails from, he will take any opportunity that he can get to show his affection towards a cat, whether the cat in question wants it or not.

Unfortunately, due to his master’s allergy, he is not allowed to keep a cat of his own at the manor, even if he would have LOVED to have one there. Luckily for him however, there is an unknown black feline beauty that tends to stroll along in the gardens around noon - possibly because she knows Sebastian will be there to give her food. Whenever he can, he will take at one moment of his day to visit her in the garden to “stress down” from all the work in the manor.

Black Butler, chapter 5:

“ I have had enough. At times like these, yes... I want to see HER. A supple body, flowing black hair. I must hurry... to the place where she awaits me. Yes... to HER. I find cats most agreeable. They only say and do that which is necessary. They are quite adorable. They do not exist in my world... Pets do exist over there, but... they leave much to be desired. Aah... your paw is so soft... I want to hold you like this forever... but I must go now. I look forward to seeing you again tomorrow. ”

Even though the cat in the gardens isn’t his, his little visits to her is certainly more than enough to help him stay focused on his work once he returns to it. Now, obviously he doesn’t NEED to pet a cat in order to do an excellent job, but the mere existence of a cat nearby certainly makes his days so much better. To say that he is fond of cats is a huge understatement; the fact that he can momentarily forget what he was doing/saying/thinking should a cat cross his path speaks volumes of exactly how much he loves them.

Red Butler Arc, chapter 9:

Blue Cult Arc, chapter 111:

For being a creature that views love and affection as something illogical and cannot bring himself to understand it, he sure is pretty good at showering his own affection all over any cat that happens to cross his path. Obviously, love and affection are two different things, but they do fall into the same category of emotions. Everyone handles love and affection differently but typically, you’re filled with a special warmth inside of you that you either try to fight against, or you allow yourself to fall for depending on what type of a person you are. Sebastian has never had any intentions of fighting against the sensation of warmth he will feel when he sees a cat. Everything about them is absolute perfection in his eyes. Every single strand of fur, every plump pad underneath their paws, the crystal clear and gleaming eyes. Not to mention he greatly appreciates their behavior --- only saying and doing what’s necessary, and he will always make sure a cat gets its own fair share of his attention and affection from him, whether they like it or not.

Naturally, due to his tendency of looking down on other species ( humans, reapers and other demons ), this sort of affection is only reserved for felines. But the mere fact that he is fully capable of feeling and even expressing such a strong emotion ( even if it’s only for cats ) despite ‘being a demon’, it really is safe to say that a part of his being isn’t immune to love/affection. If confronted about it, I’m certain he’d just wave it off as “Oh, but that’s different”, because he still considers his emotions and opinions to be on a different level than anyone else’s and can therefore not be compared. Even if it’s crystal clear, and incredibly simple.

Simply put: he ‘loves’ himself too much to bring himself to love anything/anyone else, except for cats. He is 100% aware of what he is, and he is 100% aware of what others think of him ( those who knows what he is, that is ), but he will never genuinely apologize for being what/who he is. And unless someone by a miracle manages to have him doubt in his own being and everything that comes with it ( and even more ACCEPT him for what he is in a positive way ), and manages to stand out in a crowd and have his opinions swayed even slightly, this is unfortunately how he will forever remain. And, as I have mentioned earlier in this post, the only person to have come even remotely close to that is Agni ( even though he was always blissfully unaware of Sebastian’s true colours, he still made an impression on Sebastian regardless ).

IN CONCLUSION...

Taking all of this into account, and if we include the existence of the demons from the second season of the anime, it is safe to say that not all demons are necessarily the same. Despite being the ‘odd one out’, whether or not we do include the S2 demons, Sebastian the prideful narcissist has shown more than once that he is indeed capable of having his expectations exceeded, feeling certain ‘unusual’ emotions, even if he cannot understand them. The ‘excuse’ he and others use to describe him is a stereotype that even Sebastian to a certain extent believes to be true. His way of thinking is not a demon-exclusive trait, even if it is a common one among them ( which only feeds into the stereotype ). Certain demons ( Hannah Annafellows, whom not only grew tired of eating human souls so really, in this case they are two demons being the ‘odd ones out’, but was also touched by the innocence of Luka and his devotion to his brother’s happiness ) are even influenced by humans so much that they will develop new traits they previously lacked.

No, not all demons are the same, and I’m certain there are certain types of demons out there that are 100% resistant to being influenced by humans. It is very likely that Sebastian used to be one of those types, but ever since he was summoned by the ‘spare’ twin and has remained by his side, the demon butler has encountered more than one occurrence in which he’d react or feel something he was completely unfamiliar with. Perhaps his three ( soon four ) years in the human world this time around have started to effect him even just a little bit, or perhaps he just isn’t as resistant as he himself was lead to believe. And I’m certain that he will continue his own way of thinking, even at times when he’s being a bit of a hypocrite. Why? Well, because feeling something and understand what you feel are completely different things.

And again, it certainly doesn’t help his case to even consider properly understanding how humans and humanlike beings think or feel when those around him that are aware of his true colours keeps feeding into this narrative of ‘you’re a demon, there is only so much you understand’.

Blue Cult, chapter 140:

I would not necessarily say he is living in denial, but I truly believe ( for the sake of my portrayal ) that he simply has no interest in attempting to understand his prey considering he sees himself above them. He has his goals set in his mind, and he’ll do whatever it takes to achieve it --- just like humans will ( according to himself ). But just because he has no interest in attempting to understand, it doesn’t mean that he won’t find himself in situations when he’ll experience something new he’s unfamiliar with.

Yes... he is a demon. Yes, he does awful, awful things. Things that are 8/10 times based on orders given to him as he is a tool for his master to use. But it is absolutely not beyond him to act on his own accord and carry out despicable actions if a situation calls for it, or if he manages to find a loophole in his current contract ( within reason ) and when he does? He is most of the time absolutely relishing in the moment. Whether or not he is devoted to one soul and one soul only, it’s no wonder he and his kind is looked down at by beings such as reapers.

No, Sebastian isn’t like the other demons we’ve seen in the anime, and they aren’t like him. Demons are just as unique from one another as humans and reapers are. All three species have their ‘set of traits’ and opinions that are common for their kind, but not exclusive to them and them alone, and some might even sway away from the rest of their kind based on personal experiences and agendas ( Sebastian and the Undertaker being fine examples of their species ). To assume that are demons are all the same when they clearly aren’t is just as foolish as to assume that every single human or reaper are the same, even if Sebastian himself ( along with others ) most of the time believes that to be the case --- even if he still insists on being different from ‘the rest’ of his kind, which he clearly is.

At the end of the day, due to his selfish ( not to be confused with greedy, even though he does possess a certain amount of greed as well ) personality, he lacks morlas, and he will always consider himself as his first priority --- and in order for him to do that, he will consider his master’s safety and health as his temporary first priority because for him, the contract is his true livelihood, no matter how much he takes a personal liking into the butler lifestyle. He asks for nothing but for the contract to follow through accordingly from both parties involved.

However, to say that it is difficult to awaken certain emotions within him or have his established opinions swayed without breaking his ‘demon aesthetics’ is an understatement; but not entirely impossible.

#muse. / headcanon #( do not reblog. )#long post.#// jk posting it now.#i took the time to polish it a little and add a panel.

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marcilled · 3 years

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[this is gonna be a big long post about minecraft youtuber drama... press J to scroll past this if you don’t care about that. lol. sorry]

idunno if anybody took my post the other day as me “cancelling dream for cheating in a videogame”, i posted it mostly out of bemusement of the whole situation, and because that video was really well put-together. (context: his 1.16 speedruns were disqualified by the minecraft speedrun.com moderators & there was a video & document explaining why).

I definitely don’t correlate cheating a speedrun w/ ableism, racism, etc etc. I already knew about a lot of nasty shit dream has done, like the video he did with Notch, and how all of his early content was about pewdiepie, just further normalizing those two to his young audience. I’ve always disliked him for those things, which I’ve been aware of pretty much as long as I’ve known of him, and he has never apologized for those things. It’s why whenever I posted about him before (which was... maybe once or twice?), I always say “don’t stan him or anything he sucks”.

I had no idea there was so much more to it honestly. It’s kind of galling seeing the full context now, because whenever I’ve seen any kind of criticism against him, it’s been him presenting it in an apology. I dunno why I wasn’t suspicious of this given what I already knew about him, but the guy seems to be very clever with how he damage controls any sort of possible controversy regarding him. He presents a really heartfelt, honest apology for whatever happened and gives a few cherrypicked examples of things that people said about him and says how wrong he was and how he doesn’t want to alienate his viewers.

The fact that it’s Dream presenting the evidence of his controversies, means that he gets to control how the conversation goes. Instead of a popular “mcyt” stan account getting to control the conversation, pointing out the shit he’s said and done, he addresses it in a livestream, and does not provide the original context. Huh, I wonder why. It’s almost as if he doesn’t want everyone to see that his mistakes are more than just little “oopsies”, it’s him being actively malicious and getting so defensive that he tells off anybody who could possibly disagree with his view of things.

While his actions and words are pretty horrid on their own, I think the thing that has me most concerned about Dream is... He seems pretty fuckin’ good at manipulating peoples’ perception of him.

-----

After the video about his speedruns being cheated came out the other day, he had this to say on twitter (this is his second, “personal” account):

Now, as I said before, cheating in a videogame isn’t at all comparable to racism or ableism. What I’m trying to point out here is his response to any sort of criticism.

The video he’s referring to is this one, published by Geosquare 2 days ago (dec 11th). What’s interesting to note here is how he singles out Geosquare specifically in this tweet. If you click on the video, the first few seconds establishes that it’s a video made by the entire Minecraft java edition speedrunning mod team (which is made up of a team of over a dozen people). The video and document was a true team effort from every single one of them, and it only got posted to Geosquare’s account (& got his narration) because he’s already a youtuber with a pretty comfortable amount of subscribers.

So, instead of pointing his ire (and those of his many, many fans) at the whole speedrun mod team, instead, he points it squarely on Geosquare, so that people have a convenient name to latch onto. He then accuses Geosquare of using his name as “clickbait” in order to get “easy views”, sowing the seed of this idea that Geosquare is doing this in an opportunistic grab for personal gain. If you clicked on the video and saw the description/pinned comment, you’d see that not only did Geosquare disable monetization on the video, he disabled monetization on his entire channel for as long as this drama goes on (and he knew there would be drama, dream made extra sure to threaten the mods with a video of his own in retaliation if they ended up banning him).

Then, in a reply to the first tweet, he says that there are “multiple moderators” messaging him saying the verdict was “biased” and that they may quit the mod team. He provides no evidence for this. However, if you click on the tweet and view any of the thousands of replies from his fans, it doesn’t matter that he gave no evidence, his word is enough. If you’re wondering, Geosquare and a few other mods have stated many times that it was a group decision on their part, and nobody had any question in their mind that Dream must have cheated. So... Dream, who are these “mods” that are messaging you? He won’t say.

Lastly here, I want to point out that in his next tweet on the matter, he makes this very bitter comment about how useless it was for them to investigate a “16th place run”. It’s a minor detail, but I think it’s worth mentioning; this kind of downplays how impressive his run was at the time. At the time he submitted his sub-20 minute speedrun, it was a top 5 run, in a very competitive category of speedrunning the game. In the 2 months since, several people have passed his time using new strats, but that doesn’t diminish the fact it was a pretty amazing “run”... if it weren’t cheated of course. But, I’m just rambling on about how petty I am about him cheating at this point so let me get back to the main point here.

If you see the numbers on these tweets (hundreds of thousands of likes), you’ll understand why this is pretty scary for those speedrun mods. The same day this happened Geosquare joked around “I’ve only gotten one death threat so far!”. Dream’s fanbase is unparalleled in minecraft youtube, and incredibly sizeable for a youtube channel overall. If you’re not familiar with this new wave of “mcyt” minecraft accounts, it’s... it’s pretty much exclusively because of Dream’s fame. He’s the driving force of minecraft youtube content right now. Any youtuber who even breathes near the guy blows up in subscribers & views. His minecraft server, “Dream SMP”, is like... it has a legitimate cultural impact, whether that sentence disgusts you or not. Especially for young gen Z kids.

The point I’m trying to make is, ever since he came onto the scene in early 2019, he’s grown and grown at exponential rates, and I can’t understate the kind of influence he has on not just his own fans, but the fans of like. Pretty much anyone who is plugged in to anything minecraft youtube related right now.

People have discussed this before, but Dream’s sudden rise to fame happened shockingly quick. So quick that it’s almost impossible it were by accident. He’d spent something like a year or two studying how the youtube algorithm works, how famous youtubers grow their popularity, etc. He spent a lot of time studying, and it paid off for him. It makes me wonder if he’s studied how youtubers deal with controversy as well. Because it seems like he’s doing everything right to keep his fans “loyal” to him.

So I think it’s not unreasonable to say that it is pretty goddamn concerning when he reacts to criticism like this. His immense fanbase, who are often worryingly obsessed with him, of mostly impressionable kids... It’s a recipe for disaster, in the hands of someone so entitled and immature.

I think what really has me worried, though, is a video he published to his second channel the other day. Recently, he published a video about his “stans”. The entire video essentially boiled down to him disputing claims that “dream stans” were toxic, or that stanning people or “stan culture” was creepy/unhealthy. He spent a lot of the video comparing stans of content creators to passionate fans of football teams, and expressed repeatedly how he thought it was normal and OK to be totally obsessed with a content creator and engage in “stan culture”, as long as you weren’t being a legitimate stalker. He pretty much only talked about the positives of being a Dream Stan, and how positive the “community” is. The whole video painted this really idealistic image of what it means to be a Stan of a person, and fandom in general.

Now... I don’t know about everyone else reading this, but I found that video to be... incredibly creepy and weird. It completely ignores any actual arguments about how stan culture can be unhealthy, and how engaging so heavily in parasocial relationships can be quite damaging, especially to younger people.

But, mostly? It seemed like the whole video was basically designed just to reinforce the most unhealthy impulses of his stans, and reward them with the positive encouragement that he actually enjoys it when they are obsessed with him so much that they can’t imagine he could ever possibly do anything wrong.

And that? That is fucking dangerous for a person with such a huge fanbase to be peddling to their fans.

Surely, he must know- a great deal of his fans are so obsessed with him, that they think they know him as well as, if not more than, a personal friend. So that when he does something disagreeable and wrong, and he claims “no that’s not how it happened, they’re biased and trying to cancel me because they’re jealous”, they just take that at face value, because why would he lie? He’s so honest and genuine in his videos and livestreams!

This sort of behavior from Dream, along with his tweets I posted earlier, reads to me as if he knows exactly what he’s doing. I think he is purposefully insulating his fans from the truth of his actions, so that he can present this idealistic picture of him in their mind, so that it seems absurd that he would do something wrong.

I think it’s only a matter of time before it comes out he’s done something much worse, honestly. What it is, is hard to say- he’s already done so much that anyone reading this should rescind their support for him, imo. But, I know that none of this matters to his millions of fans. While I worry for them, I also worry for anyone who becomes a target of Dream. I could see this speedrunning drama being the start of a downward spiral for him. Things could get real ugly with all that minecraft clout getting to his head... I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

TL;DR, dream sucks, and not just because he cheats at videogames.

I apologize again for writing a multi paragraph post about a minecraft youtuber. I will not post about this anymore (probably) please do not unfollow me .

#vivi bleats #txt #long post #i might delete this cuz im embarrassed i typed this much about this topic #but idk i already typed it so.#dream

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teaboot · 4 years

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Hello! Feel free not to answer this, but you've said that you like people coming to you for advice before, so I'mma just ask for just that gfhbdjnskjnbd. My best friend is a Trump supporter. I didn't know about this side of her until later into our friendship, so we basically clash in every way politically. I'm sure you probably don't remember this, but this is also the girl who told me I was going to hell for not being Christian and all that a few months ago and was scared for my soul. 1/3

.... "Anyways she keeps trying to bring up politics and calling me stupid for my beliefs. It's really hurtful and it makes me angry as a person who is very much so against trump and a big advocate for the LGBTQ+ community, which she isn't against, per say, but doesn't like it being talked about by her friends, most of which are queer (we banded together fbhjdknfbhds) because she feels left out and all that. I was just wondering if you had any advice as to how to deal with this? I don't feel comfy 2/3

"Talking about politics or anything with her, and since pride is coming up I'm even more anxious. I'm not sure how to properly set a boundry without hurting her feelings, if that makes sense. Have you ever had to deal with this sort of thing? Feel free to answer this punblicly or not at all, have a nice day! 3/3

Ah, shit, friend. It seems like you're really dealing with a lot right now!

Now, I hate to make any flat-out judgements on other people's business, because obviously it's a lot easier to call the shots when I'm not the one whose life is on the wire, but I'm going to make a rare exception here.

My personal verdict:

This person is Not Your Friend.

Not by any adult of yours, of course- Not-Friends and Friends can share many similar characteristics, up to and including Fun Times Together, Inside Jokes, Family History, Drama, Emotional Talks, Secret-Sharing, Interests, Hobbies, and More.

To defend my findings, I intend to compare and contrast what precisely differentiates a Friend from a Not-Friend directly below.

A FRIEND:

-May not agree with you on everything, but respects and values your point of view so long as the ethics and morals behind your beliefs coincides with theirs: IE, "People deserve to be treated kindly", "Genocide is evil", "We should take care of our environment", etc.

-May critique your opinions, but will do so with respect for your intelligence as an independent person capable of forming logical conclusions based on the evidence at your disposal. Think, "I disagree, have you heard about X?" As opposed to, "you're a deluded sheep and you're blind to the truth, Only I Use Brain Thoughts"

- Will tell you to your face, ideally with a kind and thoughtful manner, what their issue is with your actions and behaviors. Perhaps they went to another trusted friend first to get advice, but they SHOULD at least try to get the full picture before blabbing to everyone, if they have to blab at all.

-Will treat you kindly, even when you're not there to appreciate it. They will speak of your positive characteristics and talents they admire, and go out of their way to put you in the best light when speaking to strangers or employers. And not JUST to be kind, or polite- but because they genuinely do respect and admire you, and hope for you to succeed and be happy.

-May not understand aspects of your personality, habits, or identity, but will take the time to quietly look into these things to learn how best to support or help you. They don't know what "trans" or "pan" means? They'll Google it, or ask you questions, and take you at your word about how you feel and what improves your life.

-They'll give you the benefit of the doubt. A rumor goes around that you secretly kick people's grandmas? They think, "no, that doesn't sound right, I'd better look into this". They don't believe in your religion, and think you're wrong? So long as you aren't in danger, they'll learn what they can to respect your practice, and hold back on insulting thoughts they may have, because your happiness is more important than winning an argument.

A NOT-FRIEND:

-Looks like a friend, but doesn't respect you.

-Treats you like a friend, unless they have something to gain.

-Feels like a friend, until you really need one.

-Knows your secrets, but in a way that makes you nervous.

The words, "anxious, humiliated, nervous, scared," and, "stupid" should not come to mind when you think of spending time with a friend. FEAR is not a thing you feel when you're with a friend- not unless you're feeling it together, and the company makes it less.

So I may not know what exactly do do about this person in your life, but the first thing I need to to know is that you MUST stop thinking of them as an ally, because their actions prove that they certainly don't consider you one.

Make a list of all the things that matter most to you in your identity as a person, going out into the world. How you think people should be treated. How you want them to treat you.

Then make a list of the values you two share, of the way she treats others, and the way she treats you.

If those two lists aren't more or less made up of the same things, she's not a friend. She's someone you know who you don't actively dislike.

I don't know what else to say, except "stay safe".

I do hope this is helpful.

Take care.

#Long post

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notapaladin · 3 years

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you just gotta let it go (redux)

What makes a sickfic better? More snarky bitching about being sick, of course! Poor, poor Acatl.

Also on AO3.

Original version here

The second day of an illness was the worst.

Granted, the first day had been no garden of roses either. Acatl had gone home at the end of his long working day (two vigils, several hours’ worth of investigations into a nasty murder near the markets, endless accounts to square away) to a hastily-put-together dinner and the comfort of his own mat, but he’d barely lain down for an hour before his guts had begun to cramp and the first swelling of nausea had begun to travel up his throat. He’d thought—hoped—that it would pass. He’d always had a reasonably strong constitution, after all. Perhaps it was merely the heat.

And then he’d started vomiting. Poison had been his first thought, and he’d wiped his mouth and tried to stagger to the door only to faint after a single step. Praise the gods for Ichtaca; the man had heard him groaning as he passed and had leapt into action, sending runners for a healing priest before he could even think about protesting. Not that he’d been doing much thinking by then, honestly—whatever he’d eaten had come back for revenge, and he’d been far too busy trying not to completely disgrace himself.

Or at least trying not to faint. Fatigue had dragged at every limb, threatening to pull him under entirely; he’d collapsed on the floor next to the basin Ichtaca had fetched for him, unable to rise even to his knees as bone-breaking chills had shuddered through him. He’d barely even had the strength to continue throwing up, though his stomach had left him little choice. Dull, twisting pain wormed its way through his guts, and each blink had lasted an eternity. He been so exhausted that he hadn’t wanted to open his eyes again. He might not have if fear hadn’t compelled him, if a cold spike of terror hadn’t whispered if you close your eyes you’ll never open them again, and then where will you be? Do you want so badly for Teomitl to weep for you when you leave him behind?

He’d thought of Teomitl’s smile, Teomitl’s warm words and steady hands, and forced himself to remain conscious. Ichtaca stayed by his side and that helped, but when the man had helped him wipe his mouth—and gods, how humiliating had that been—he’d been sick all over again at the question that hissed through his mind like an arrow. Am I going to die?

He served Mictlantecuhtli with all his heart, but he did not want to meet Him yet. Not with so much left unsaid. The thought that it might be entirely beyond his control had been terrifying; in a brief burst of energy he’d thought of asking Ichtaca to summon Teomitl, but fortunately he’d thrown up again before he could voice it, and that had erased such rank stupidity from his thoughts. It would only make things worse if he survived.

He’d still been retching when the priest of Patecatl had arrived.

At least it wasn’t poison, he’d thought bitterly when he’d gotten the diagnosis. But the sort of illness you got from food that had gone off was downright humiliating, and to make matters worse the only cure was rest and plain meals. Plain. No chili. No other spices. Barely even any salt. If he’d been able to contemplate food without feeling nauseous again, he would have been miserable; as it was, he was waking only to drink water and drag himself to the chamber pot.

Because apparently, even when whatever had been in his guts was now quite comprehensively out of them, it had left its mark behind. He was exhausted. Even his experience with the plague hadn’t left him feeling quite this flattened; each limb felt like the Great Temple had come down on top of it, and he could barely rouse himself from his mat. At least he wasn’t afraid of sleeping anymore. When he spoke, he slurred his words like a base drunkard.

And of course he was forced to speak, because he had visitors.

He was awoken shortly after dawn by the arrival of not one but two more priests of Patecatl. Their cloaks marked them as part of the upper echelons of their temple’s hierarchy, and so he managed not to actually snap at them when they entered. It felt like an achievement just to speak coherently. “Thank you, but I’m feeling much better—”

The older one gave him a stare so full of judgement that he shut his mouth with a pang; it reminded him too much of Ceyaxochitl. “We have to monitor your condition, Acatl-tzin. You are our High Priest for the Dead.”

There were times he truly took pride in being High Priest for the Dead at all hours, whether at a feast or standing by the side of a pyre. This was not one of them. I don’t stop being High Priest for the Dead, no matter how sick I am. He made a face, but grudgingly sat up a little straighter. Or how much I’d rather be left alone.

At least submitting himself to a full examination didn’t require him to do much except be manhandled, and the healing priests were coolly professional and not inclined to make small talk. It still tired him out, and when the younger priest—Cuetzpalli, apparently—began casting a spell to strengthen his stomach, he actually found himself dozing off. The cut-grass smell of Patecatl’s magic was remarkably soothing when you were more than semi-conscious for it.

“Acatl-tzin?”

He blinked awake. Cuetzpalli had stopped chanting and was eyeing him with mild concern as he offered a hand to help him sit up again. He ignored it; he was not so far gone that he couldn’t manage that, even if the motion made his muscles ache. “My apologies. What’s the verdict?”

Cuetzpalli didn’t seem fazed by his curtness. No doubt he’d seen much worse, though he was barely a few years older than Teomitl; healing priests saw people at their very lowest, after all, and an irritated High Priest probably wasn’t even worth noting. “No poison nor magic that we can detect. Your dinner seems to have simply...disagreed with you. You’ll feel...ah, reasonably terrible for a week or so, but you are in no danger.” His face twisted in singularly unhelpful sympathy.

Acatl’s fists clenched in his lap. A week? Duality, I cannot afford to be laid low for that long! Horrible visions of his temple in disarray and the boundaries crumbling like old paper flickered through his mind, and he fought a grimace. No. It would be fine. He would return to his duties tomorrow, suffer through bland food until his guts settled, and everything would be fine. “Hrm.”

“You’ll be alright, young man.” The older priest—Necalli—didn’t smile, but his eyes softened slightly as he looked him over. “Don’t push yourself too hard.”

He couldn’t make any promises, but he was spared from having to lie; their visit apparently being over, Cuetzpalli was packing up their supplies. Soon they had both left, bowing very politely, and he’d collapsed on his mat again. Some vague twinge in his belly suggested he should attempt food, but even fetching one of the bland flatbreads Ichtaca had left for him seemed like a monumental effort. No, he would just lay here for now until he felt...well, not better, but at least more alert. The angle of the sunlight shifted through his one window, and he watched it blankly.

He slept. He woke, found the ache in his stomach had progressed to actual pangs of hunger, and choked down a few mouthfuls of dry flatbread and a cup of water before his gorge rose in protest and he had to set the rest aside. His stomach had been emptier than this for longer. He’d be alright.

He slept again. Time ceased to have meaning. There was only the sunlight moving across his floor, the humid air laying on his skin like a blanket. He lay like a lizard on his back, gently baking in the heat.

And then the entry curtain jingled. “Acatl?”

Oh, gods. Mihmatini’s voice. Groaning, he heaved himself upright, muscles protesting. “Ngghhh...” At some point he’d closed his eyes, and once again it seemed to take real effort to keep them open. Duality, he hoped the healing priests had been right and it was only an ill-chosen meal, and not something more serious. Last night’s panic had faded, but it was far too easy to bring to mind just how very inevitable—how very immediate—his death had felt. Lord Death, he prayed, do not take me into Your arms yet.

She sounded concerned. He was sick of concern. “We brought soup.”

...We…? The thoughts floating through his head were slow to arrange themselves into a semblance of order, but finally he realized that she wasn’t alone and managed to wedge his eyes open properly. There was Mihmatini, brow furrowed, holding a clay jug in both hands. And beside her, face twisted in worry, was Teomitl. “...Oh.” Oh, no. Not you. He felt vaguely nauseous again, and not just from the effort of sitting up.

She didn’t wait for him to invite her in, or even to rise; he watched, still feeling three steps behind reality, as she set the jug down on his table and went looking for spoons. There was a degree of bustling involved that made him dizzy to think about. “I really can’t believe I had to hear from Ichtaca that you were ill, Acatl, really—do you know how worried I’ve been? Food poisoning is nothing to dismiss!”

“It’s passed.” It had. Mostly. He had decided against making any sudden movements.

“Nobody gets over food poisoning that fast.” That was Teomitl, leaning in the doorway and frowning down at him. “You need to take better care of yourself.”

He frowned back, even as some part of his heart felt unaccountably warmed; Teomitl’s concern might be touching, but by the Duality it wasn’t as though he’d tried to get sick. Besides, he was a grown man. He didn’t need to be fussed over, especially not when it might make him start hoping. “...I take care of myself just fine.”

Teomitl turned his face away, glowering at the wall as though it had insulted his honor. Acatl knew by the face he made that he was probably chewing on the inside of his lip plug again; he wondered, not for the first time, if Teomitl had ever realized he only did that when he was agitated. He hoped he didn’t. It was oddly endearing, and he’d miss the sight. “What did the healing priests say?”

He grimaced at the reminder. “Very plain fare. And sleep.”

Mihmatini uncovered the jug, and the odor of plain, hot, and—suddenly most important for his stomach, which growled loudly enough that he blushed—salty turkey broth met his nostrils. “Do you think you could keep this down?”

For his sister, he’d try. Slowly, he nodded. “...Thank you.”

He hadn’t expected them to linger, but—evidently realizing that he absolutely wouldn’t be able to finish all of the soup by himself—they took their own seats at his table. It was pleasant not to eat alone in his own house for once. Teomitl was uncharacteristically quiet and kept glancing at Acatl out of the corner of his eye; before he thought of commenting on it, Mihmatini spoke up. “How is it?”

He looked down at his bowl and realized with a start that he’d nearly finished it. Each lift of the spoon to his mouth had been like trying to move a boulder, but he’d clearly been hungrier than he thought. He briefly had to struggle to remember how to speak; even the muscles in his tongue felt tired. A blink lasted longer than he liked. “...It’s good. Did you make it?”

Mihmatini snorted, shaking her head. “From the palace kitchens. I’m not this good a cook.”

Teomitl huffed, “You’re a wonderful cook.”

She rolled her eyes at him. “And you are a shameless flatterer.”

“I am being perfectly truthful—tell her, Acatl!”

Acatl blinked again, discreetly pinching himself to stay awake. Passing out in his soup bowl wouldn’t convince his family he was hale. True, Mihmatini was a skilled cook—but it was equally true that no priest of Patecatl would prescribe her food for him. It had entirely too much flavor, and the way she made soup would put meat back on the bones of a corpse. “...He’s right. Unfortunately, I’m afraid I’m in no state to appreciate it at the moment.”

She looked supremely unimpressed. He could actually see the moment she swallowed a sharp retort and picked up her spoon again. “I can see that. You look awful.”

He had to admit she had a point; he felt awful. Eating had helped briefly, but as soon as it settled in his stomach he had to battle another spike of nausea. If he stopped leaning on the table, he had a feeling he’d fall over. “Thanks.”

Mihmatini sighed, pushing her now-empty bowl away. “I wish I could stay, but I have to get back to the Duality House.”

“Guardian lessons?”

She made a face. Acatl couldn’t blame her; she hadn’t told him much of what her unexpected ascension to Guardianship had entailed, but what little she’d let slip suggested it was unpleasant. If nothing else, she was having to learn in weeks what took most women years. He did not envy her. “Guardian lessons.”

Teomitl reached over and squeezed her hand. “I’ll see you later.”

Her eyes narrowed as she looked at him, and for a moment Acatl was concerned. Had they had a fight at some point? But then she smiled, warm as always. “You’d better. Remember what we were talking about earlier.”

Teomitl swallowed hard and nodded. “Mm.”

And then she rose gracefully, favoring Acatl with that same narrow-eyed assessing look. “And as for you, you’d better take it easy. Ichtaca told us you collapsed a few times last night.”

It wasn’t like he’d made a habit out of it. Besides, the floor had been comfortable even with that nagging, irrational concern that he might fail to wake up. On a full stomach and with something approximating sleep under his belt, that fear felt ridiculous now. He glared back at her. “I’m not that sick. I’ve no intention of fainting on anyone.”

“Don’t worry.” Teomitl smiled, and the brief flash of radiant warmth made Acatl’s face heat. “I won’t let you.”

She sniffed, unswayed. “Hm. I’ll be back later to check on you.”

And then Mihmatini left, and they were alone. Acatl found, suddenly, that he couldn’t quite manage to look Teomitl in the face. The gods knew Teomitl had seen him injured before—had taken care of him, even, and Acatl knew he’d never forget confident hands bandaging his wounds or strong arms helping him to safety—but battle wounds were an acceptable form of weakness, one that struck down even the greatest warriors. It was entirely different to be ill and run-down in front of Teomitl, who valued strength so highly; a man who thought limits were for the weak surely couldn’t still respect him when he could barely muster the energy to stand. In a moment. In a moment I’ll get up and clear the table. I don’t need a—a nursemaid, Tlaloc’s lightning strike me. He just needed to brace himself and move slowly.

Teomitl beat him to it. He was already on his feet and clearing away the remnants of their meal when Acatl set a hand on the table to heave himself up; when he caught sight of the movement, he shot him a savage glare. “Stay still. I’ll handle it.”

He could force himself to his feet; he’d worked in worse conditions and through much greater pain. Nothing would ever be as bad as the plague had been. But somehow, it didn’t really seem worth it to argue. So he stayed where he was and prayed for patience, staring at the knotted pine grain of the table. It needed a wash. “...So you’re to keep me company, then?”

Teomitl turned to look over his shoulder at him, eyes dark and serious. “Someone should.”

He took a slow breath. Even through his exhaustion, the reminder of his state—that Teomitl looked at him and thought he shouldn’t even be left alone—stung bitterly. Even though he could be weak, came the treacherous thought. Even though Teomitl would let him. Would help him lay down, put his arms around him...no. He shook his head firmly, banishing those thoughts before they could make him remember what had come to him in the dead of last night’s pain. It was still hopeless, and he would not plead his way into Teomitl’s heart. “I’m not an invalid, you know.”

“I know you aren’t.” And then Teomitl smiled, teasingly innocent, and Acatl’s heart skipped a beat even as he continued, “But isn’t it the job of the student to tend to his master’s needs?”

His eyes narrowed. Irritation was starting to revitalize him; in some small part of his mind, he suspected this was Teomitl’s plan. “...And you aren’t my student anymore.” He hasn’t been since...the courtyard? No, before that. It just took me too long to see it. He is my friend, my brother-in-law, and one day he’ll be my Revered Speaker. But he’s not my student, and he shouldn’t have to take care of me even if he was.

The table clean, Teomitl sat down by him within arm’s reach but not touching. Acatl found himself glad for that; he wasn’t sure if he was alert enough not to give in to the absurd urge to lean against him. His former student’s shoulders looked appealingly solid. “And we’re all glad for that. But that doesn’t change the fact that you could use some company, if only for a distraction. I’m good at that.” A smile still tugged at the corners of his lips, warm eyes looking Acatl over. “Please?”

Oh, no. Not the please. It struck him harder than a physical blow, and he had to look away. Duality preserve him, he’d been right. Teomitl would let him be weak. And he’d thought his feelings would fade? That he’d be able to bury them forever? Gods, he was such a fool. It was a terrible time to be proven wrong. I should be stronger than this. “...I won’t...” He yawned, suddenly almost too tired to make his tongue work. The soup had only been a temporary boost after all. “I’m sorry. I won’t be a very good host.”

“...That’s alright.” Teomitl was gazing at him with fond exasperation, and he couldn’t bear it. “Rest, Acatl. I’ll be here when you wake.”

He couldn’t let that pass without comment, no matter how much that same small, treacherous part of him was warmed by the thought of companionship. “You have a job. Your own duties...”

Now Teomitl did reach over, putting a hand gently on his shoulder. It warmed him to his bones. “Over for the day. Lay down.”

He couldn’t do anything but obey. Even the simple act of sitting up and eating had wrung him out like a damp rag; he could have passed out on a bed of obsidian shards. His thin mat was a miracle in comparison, and he managed to keep his eyes open just long enough to watch as Teomitl settled down on his haunches and swept him with a slow, considering look. The thought that slid through his mind like a snake—gods, you could kiss me if you wanted—still wasn’t a match for the tides of dreamless sleep pulling him under.

When he opened his eyes again, the first thing he saw was Teomitl’s back. It was, he thought idly, a very nice back; Teomitl had shed his cloak for the sake of the heat, and so Acatl had an excellent view of the line of his waist and the curve of his spine. There were no scars upon it, for he would never be one to willingly turn his back on a foe. The knowledge lifted his heart with a kind of soft pride. My fearless man. You who will lead Tenochtitlan to glory. I cannot wait to see what kind of Emperor you’ll make.

Then Teomitl stretched, back arching, and the affection curling gently through him sparked into something hotter and darker. Gods, he’d almost forgotten. He could go days now without thinking about the warmth of Teomitl’s voice or the strength of his hands, but here he was being viscerally reminded that they couldn’t be ignored forever. That the feelings which had sustained him through many long nights wouldn’t melt with the dawn. That not even what he’d thought with sharp terror would be his actual death could successfully smother them. Duality curse me.

He must have made a noise, because Teomitl turned to look at him. “Acatl? Ah, you’re awake. Do you need anything?”

His mouth had gone dry at some point. Swallowing didn’t help. “...Water.” If nothing else, it would be cold. He could use the cold.

Teomitl rose to fetch water, and he busied himself with trying to sit up. It took a few attempts as his heavy limbs fought his control, but by the time Teomitl returned he’d managed the disgustingly difficult task of rolling over. Teomitl’s hand between his shoulderblades steadied him as he heaved himself up the rest of the way, and for a long moment he drank in silence. His stomach felt better, but his heart didn’t.

It wasn’t until Teomitl took his hand away and sat down next to him that he found words. “I’m surprised you’re still here.”

Teomitl jerked away, glaring at him; for all that he’d only spoken the truth, Acatl still felt himself flush as he snapped, “Did you think I would leave you alone?!”

“It must be late.” It was. The afternoon sun had turned dim and gold, sinking into Teomitl’s skin and hair. Sunset couldn’t be far behind, and he would be well enough to properly offer blood to the gods again. There was no need for Teomitl to watch over him like a mother jaguar with cubs. But he wants to, because he cares about you, whispered his mind, and he took another sip of water to cool the heat of his skin.

“I don’t care.” Duality, and he growled like a jaguar, too. Though he huffily turned his face away, Acatl saw his hand twitch; it was all the warning he got before it came down to rest atop his own free one. “You stayed with me when I was ill, and that was contagious. Do you think I wouldn’t do the same for you?”

He couldn’t think. Teomitl’s hand was on his, callused and warm, and he was fairly sure all sensation in his body had been rerouted to that single point of contact. He was surprised he hadn’t dropped the cup, and managed to set it down before he could. “I...uh.” He was unconscious, deep in his delirium. I didn’t think he’d remember. Gods, I was so afraid he’d never even wake. But he did...and…

It seemed to take an eternity for him to dredge up a full sentence from the mire of his thoughts. “You don’t...have to...”

Teomitl’s voice held nothing but certainty. He might as well have been making a royal proclamation. “Yes. I do.”

“...Oh.” It seemed to be all he could say. There was more locked behind his teeth—you are the best of men, I don’t deserve you, you’re a reckless fool sometimes but that’s alright because you still hold my whole heart safe in your hands—but he didn’t dare open his mouth and let it fly out. If he started down that road, he’d never stop. And Lord Death had not seen fit to take him into His embrace last night, so a sudden and fatal relapse wouldn’t save him either.

For a long while, Teomitl was silent. Though he sat as still as a statue, the fingers covering Acatl’s own twitched as though he wanted to curl them around his hand. Finally, still without looking at him, he spoke. “Do you have any idea how I felt when I learned how sick you were?”

“I was not that sick—” he began.

Teomitl didn’t let him finish. “Yes. You were. Ichtaca was shaking when he told us you were finally keeping down liquids.”

He dropped his gaze to his lap. Mired as he’d been in his own terror, Ichtaca had felt like a rock beside him. He’d had no idea the man had been frightened too. “...Oh.”

“Oh,” Teomitl mimicked, a spark of nastiness in his voice that faded almost instantly to that tight, flat restraint. “You terrified us, Acatl. You terrified me.”

Storm Lord’s lightning blast him. He couldn’t even attempt a reassuring smile, for Teomitl’s words struck him to the core. Still, he mustered up the energy somewhere to make an effort. “I’ve felt worse than this and lived. You needn’t have worried.”

Teomitl swiveled around to glare at him, eyes hot and suspiciously bright. “Don’t say that! Don’t you know how important you are to me?”

“Ngkh.” He knew he was blushing again, but he couldn’t have torn his eyes from Teomitl’s face if his life had depended on it. It was one thing to be pretty sure Teomitl cared about him, but another thing entirely to hear it confirmed. “I...” I am High Priest for the Dead. His teacher. His friend. That’s all he means. “But...”

“No buts.” Teomitl shook his head, squeezing his hand tightly. There was a terrible tremor in his voice. “You have to take care of yourself, Acatl. Understand? I don’t...I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you. I can’t lose you.”

His heart stuttered in his chest, and for a dizzying moment he thought he was going to faint again. “I know how you feel.”

“..Do you?” The bite of skepticism couldn’t quite hide that moment of hopeful hesitation.

He inhaled. “...Last night...” He couldn’t say it. He couldn’t. But Teomitl wasn’t saying anything; he was giving him the space to find his words. That made the difference, in the end. “Last night...I thought I was going to die.” He still wondered idly at the possibility, but it no longer filled him with heart-clenching fear. There was only one thing he would have regretted, after all. Now Teomitl was staring at him in horror, but he made himself press on. “And I thought of you.”

Teomitl’s eyes were wide, his fingers trembling. Now Acatl knew the expression on his face, that stunned sort of hope that didn’t quite dare to step into the sunlight yet. “Me?”

He nodded. Yes, you. Always you. “I thought—if I died here, I would never get to tell you that I—” But courage failed him, and he swallowed with a dry click.

Teomitl was still staring at him. Unfortunately, this didn’t let him off the hook. “That you what?”

He squeezed his eyes shut. It was a coward’s move, but then he had always been one, hadn’t he? Or else it wouldn’t have taken the fear of death to force the words out. “I love you,” he blurted out, and when Teomitl didn’t immediately react in rage or disgust he added, “I wanted to be sure you knew.” Even if you don’t love me back in the same way. Even if you’re about to break my heart, I’m giving it to you to break.

He heard a slow, deep breath. A shaky whisper of “Acatl,” more shock than outrage.

And then Teomitl kissed him.

His mind went entirely blank. There was only the soft pressure of warm lips on his, slow and careful and gods, so gentle. He had no idea what he was doing, but Teomitl clearly did; he tilted his head just so, parted his lips just a fraction, and Acatl was lost. Gods, he thought dizzily, I love you so much. Teomitl slid strong arms around his waist, and for a moment he thought that hold was the only thing keeping him upright. He wondered if it was possible to swoon just from a single kiss. Well, he was still ill. It might be.

When Teomitl pulled away, his eyes were shining. “I can hardly believe...Duality, Acatl.” He gave a little shake of his head, as though to express the utter impossibility of their situation. A wry little disbelieving smile tugged at his lips. “I was halfway to convincing myself to give up.”

Acatl blinked at him as the words rearranged themselves into something that made sense. His brain clearly wasn’t up to its full capacity yet, because Teomitl couldn’t have said what he thought he said. “You what?!”

Now it was Teomitl’s turn to blush. “I have wanted you for—gods, for years. I knew it was hopeless, but when I thought I would lose you...”

Things clicked slowly into place in Acatl’s mind. Passing glances, lingering touches, a hitched breath. Years, he said. Years. “...Does Mihmatini know?” He remembered her hard-eyed stare, the way Teomitl had looked almost nervous at whatever she’d said, and ice gripped his heart again. He wouldn’t be the cause of strife between them, no matter how much Teomitl made his heart race. He wouldn’t do that to her.

Teomitl drew himself up, glaring at him. He was still flushed, but Acatl judged it more embarrassment than guilt. “She does. Do you think I’d go behind her back, especially after the last time?” He didn’t have to elaborate. Things between him and Mihmatini had been so frosty for a few weeks that she’d practically spat when mentioning his name. Acatl wasn’t sure how they’d reconciled, but he was starting to get a few, somewhat embarrassing, ideas.

The ice was starting to thaw. He took one deep breath, and then another. If she knows, then... “Then...what she mentioned, about you two having spoken earlier...”

“You know how she is. She...suggested I consider the possibility of mentioning my feelings a while ago.” Knowing Mihmatini, suggested was probably far too polite a word. Teomitl quirked up a smile and added, “But I wasn’t expecting you to beat me to it.”

He found it much easier to breathe when he knew he wasn’t ruining his sister’s marriage. “After last night...I had to let you know. In case fate saw fit to separate us. I didn’t want to die without telling you how I feel.”

Teomitl’s gaze had softened like melted wax, and it was just about as hot. “Maybe you should tell me again.”

His heart kicked within his chest. Feeling suddenly bold—he’d come this far, after all—he shot back, “Why don’t I just show you?” Even raising the possibility of what such a demonstration might entail made him blush all over again, but...well. Teomitl deserved to know the full truth of his feelings, and honesty had already brought him great rewards. I took vows of chastity, of celibacy. I would break them all for you if you asked. Gods, I would break them all if I thought you might ask.

For a moment, Teomitl simply stared at him—face flushed, lips slightly parted, eyes heated—and Acatl knew he was going to be kissed again. Knew it and welcomed it, lingering illness be damned. He would figure out a way to be kissed by Teomitl if he were dead.

And then he grinned teasingly and murmured, “Then you’d best focus your energies on getting well again, hadn’t you?” and Acatl had to stifle an urge to groan.

#obsidian and blood #acatl #teomitl #teocatl #mihmatini #paladin writes stuff

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joanofarkansass · 3 years

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Part 33 Meta

Ok watching “Part 33” Law and Order: SVU S20E14 and it’s such a good character study of all the SVU characters. For context the case is when a woman, Annabeth Pearl, kills her abusive husband. The episode is spliced between he team is waiting there to testify for Stone and the case itself and is shot entirely in the courthouse (which is smart move on the writers part it really narrows the scope and sets it apart from a regular episode). The viewers really see the team’s attitudes toward justice, morality, and duty especially how it intersects -- and occasionally interferes -- with their jobs. Spoilers obviously

Sonny- He’s the most outwardly emotional out of the gang and the audience can see how he really empathizes and cares about justice for Annabeth instead of justice to Annabeth, despite her being the defendant. He argues passionately with Rollins and on the stand adds his own (legal) conjecture to his testimony with Stone, putting doubt on the loving marriage between Annabeth and her husband, directly undermining Stone. Drawing back, Sonny knows that cases don’t end when they leave the squad-room and the victim’s and perpetrator’s futures continue into the courtroom and he takes his moral compass seriously. He’s studying to be a lawyer. In his job as a cop his job is to back up the ADA and land a conviction, but he doesn’t believe she should go to jail (that her killing was justified) so on the stand, sure he tells the truth, but also does whatever he can to get her justice. Though his earnestness is a little self absorbed, it’s genuine and well meant and I think this will serve him so well as a lawyer. It’d be interesting to see in later seasons when he’s a ADA what he will do when he has to persue a case he doesn’t morally agree with.

Liv- her monologue about being in a abusive relationship and the little things that strip away your dignity is heartbreaking (Mariska you deserve an Emmy for this scene btw) (it’s also connected to the abuse she suffered at the hands of Lewis). She cares so much for the victims, it’s her greatest asset, and here it’s confounded by her strong duty to the law. This case is simple. Annabeth, according to the law, deserves to go to jail. She wasn’t in physical danger from her husband (not that anyone can prove at any rate). But Liv also knows that shooting her husband was the right thing to do in order to get out of that situation. Illegal, but right. These parts of her are at war (just like with that donor heart episode and Alex Cabot episodes in S19) and she chooses to tell the truth--to put Annabeth away-- because in the end the rule of law can’t be subverted no matter how immoral it can be

Rollins. Oh darling, you’ve been through so much shit. Like, lets be real here the entire team has, but you especially. And the unfurling of her backstory, with her father beating her mother and her consequent resentment of her mother for failing to protect her and Rollins is heartbreaking. She was a child and those complicated, complicated emotions distilled in her, to the outside eye’s, in a confusing (illogical) way. She occasionally victim blames and we can see the origins of that tendency here in how her mother, herself a victim, failed to protect her and keep her family together. Is that fair? No. Is what Rollins went through fair? No. And like how what Liv went through with Lewis affected her and her work, what Rollins past affected her work and outlook too. We see it in her advocacy for “innocent until proven guilty” and her belief in the strength of the victims even at the worst point their lives. So yes, she believes in the law. She believes that Annabeth should be in jail. For her, that’s right. *

Stone- it’s easy to see him as the bad guy here, but for me it was a lot more nuanced than that. Part of it is a performance of course, he’s a prosecutor trying to get a conviction (if he wants to win he can’t be playing for the other side), but he does genuinely believe he’s getting justice. Especially as a ADA, he sees the worst of humanity and puts them to justice for it. He takes what the cops give him and make sure it stick that victims get justice. You can’t subvert the law, its the law. In order for anything to get done, there has to be some black and white. Guilty and Innocent. Truth and farce. And no matter how moral it may have been- no matter what Annabeth felt- she still killed her husband in cold blood. And just as her husband should have been accountable for his actions, she has to be accountable for hers. Nuance belongs at sentencing, but she did it. That’s what he’s trying to prove.

Fin- We love some depth!! Fin can sometimes be treated as a one note character, and I’m glad Ice-T got to stretch his leg this episode. His whole facade “this is just another case to me” is peeled back by Liv and his story about throwing a fighting fish back into the bay was a touching way of showing his true feelings. He doesn’t believe she belongs in prison. But it’s not his place to judge, it’s the law’s. The law may not always be just or kind or even moral, but (on the whole) it’s consistent. It’s fair. And if we subvert it, we face a worse life than if we had one.

I also really liked the ending. We don’t see the verdict, just Annabeth’s expression of horror as Liv testifies that she didn’t feel remorse about killing her husband, effectively nailing the lid on her coffin. It’s not ambiguous, the audience knows that she’s going to jail, but it stops that the emotional climax- Liv’s testimony. It doesn’t draw out the inevitable, it leaves the audience pondering the same questions that the team did. Is the law always just? What would you do if it wasn’t? Is it even your place to judge?

Thanks for reading! This was just an emotional reaction from me after watching the episode for the first time and I’d love to hear your reactions.

- Joan

Tagging some people bc I’m really proud of this: @hurricanejjareau, @qvid-pro-qvo, @writefasttalkevenfaster, @crazyshannonigans, @ssaic-jareau

PS: Personally, I’m in Fin’s camp. The law is there for a reason and if we broke it for any injustice it would eventually encroach on personal freedoms. Is it disgusting that he abused Annabeth? Without a doubt. Is it legal? Sadly, yeah. And until the law changes, it’s our duty to follow it. Should it be changed? That is the question. (this is just my opnion btw and I totally get and respect if you disagree)

*Do I believe Rollins should be in therapy? Hells yes. Her perspective is valid and needed as a counter part to Liv and Carisi more emotional ones, but it’s coming from a place that isn’t good.

#law and order svu #law and order: svu #law and order svu meta #fin tutuola #sonny carisi #olivia benson #peter stone #amanda rollins #svu meta

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gallavictorious · 3 years

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I really wish people would stop excusing their favorite character's actions with convoluted theories instead of just accepting that their faves aren't perfect. Ian should not be comparing Terry and Frank. Full stop. Especially not to Mickey's face, when Mickey is in the middle of trying to deal with the complicated feelings he has about the father that raped him by proxy and tried to actually murder him. It's ok to say "yeah you're right I don't know what you're going through but I'm here" and not make it into a shitty father competition.

And I really wish people would refrain from making groundless assumptions and recognize that trying to understand a character's motivation for doing something does not equal taking a stance on whether or not the action discussed is morally sound but alas, nonnie, we live in an imperfect world.

For those just turning in, this ask was received in response to my addition to this post.

Now, nonnie, if I understand you correctly, you disapprove of what I wrote because you see it as 1, an attempt to excuse Ian's behavior because 2, he's my favourite character and 3, therefore I can't stand to have him do something wrong. You also think that, no matter his motivations, Ian shouldn't be comparing Frank to Terry. Below, I'll quickly refutate points 2 and 3, as well as detail the difference between explanations and excuses and – hopefully – demonstrate why you can't with any sort of certainty claim that the offending post is an example of the latter. I will not really engage with the question of whether or not Ian was wrong for saying what he did, because (as we shall return to forthwith) that was not the issue originally discussed, it doesn't actually interest me, and as you do not offer any sort of reasoning for your moral judgment there really isn't anything for me to work with there anyway.

Strap in, kids; it's another long one.

Let's start with your claim that Ian is my favourite. I'm not actually going to spell it out there, but instead direct you to paragraphs 3-7 of this post. A little lazy, perhaps, but I'm sure you can appreciate why I have limited time to point out the same basic flaws twice in a fairly short period of time. (Should I pin a pic of me holding up a little sign reading ”Actually, Mickey is my favourite, even though I love Ian too” to the top of my blog? Would that be helpful?)

Moving on to point 3, I do agree with the general notion that it's fine to accept that the characters we love (no matter who that character is) are flawed and make mistakes! If you had taken the time to familiarize yourself with my thoughts on Ian and Mickey – or if you had, you know, just asked – instead of jumping to completely unsubstantiated conclusions based on a single post, you might even have realized that them being fucked up and making fucked up choices from time to time is one of the things I find most compelling about them. They are messy and complicated and human, and I love that. I neither think nor want either of them to perfect, because perfection is unrealistic is static is boring.

With that out of the way, let's get to excuses versus explanations. If one confuses the two, any attempt to discuss or explain a persons behavior will be construed as an attempt to excuse it, but to understand something and to condone it are actually two different things.

For instance, I can explain and understand why Mickey acted the way he did in 3x09, but still think kicking Ian in the face was wrong. I can explain and understand why Ian called Mickey a coward and a pussy in 4x11 but still think he was wrong for doing so. Do you see? Understanding – or trying to understand – why someone did something is not the same as saying that what they did was okay. Understanding the reasons for someone's actions might lessen the severity of our condemnation (for instance, stealing is generally considered wrong, but most of use would agree that stealing bread to feed your kid is less wrong than stealing bread because you're too stingy to pay for it) or might remove condemnation entirely (hitting someone because you are angry with them is wrong, hitting someone as part of consensual BDSM sex is fine), but understanding an action does not automatically lead to declaring said action morally correct. In short, ”why did X do Y” and ”was X right or wrong do to Y” are two different questions, and the fact that our answer to the second question often is at least partly dependent on our understanding of the first does not change that.

So explanations and excuses are not the same. And yet, sometimes the reasons for doing something (or failing to do something) are offered up as an excuse; as a reason why someone should not be held responsible for their actions, or why they were correct in performing/not performing them in the first place. That neatly leads us to the question of whether or not that's what's actually happening in the post you took exception to. And the answer to that is... you can't know. What boys-night and I discuss in the post is what Ian is actually doing (is he trying to compare trauma och convince Mickey he had it worse) and why he is doing it; that is, we are trying to understand and explain his behavior. Neither of us make any sort of statement on whether or not he was right or wrong for saying or doing what he did: that's just not the topic of conversation. Now, maybe I do think his motivations means that he's morally justified in what he said; maybe I don't. My point is that you can't know that just from what you've read in the post. You might draw some tentative conclusions, and they may be correct, but you don't know, and the reasonable and responsible way to go from there is to seek clarification by asking (polite) questions, not aggressively throwing around accusations about others grasping for straws in a despertae attempt to exonerate their favorites from wrongdoing.

(And just to remind you, even if I were making excuses for Ian, it wouldn't be because he's my favourite or becuase I can't bear to have him do wrong.)

You are perfectly free to disagree with any of the points made in the post, by the way, but you need to recognize that what we're disagreeing on then is motivation, not morality.

And, oh, of course it would have been okay to say "yeah you're right I don't know what you're going through but I'm here", but that's not what Ian did. Now, if you are happy to go ”ah, Ian fucked up, he's not perfect” and move on, that's fine. You do you, nonnie, and if analysis and discussion of character motivations isn't your jam then it isn't and I'm sure no one is going to force you to engage in it. (And if they try to, you can simply say ”I don't care” and walk away.) However, to be perfectly honest I am a bit perplexed that you should be so indignant over other fans trying to make sense of his actions. Do you still feel that way now that you – hopefully – understand that trying to explain a characters' behavior doesn't necessarily mean trying to excuse it? I mean, surely you are aware of the fact that people usually have reasons for acting the way they do, even if the way they act is shitty or misguided? (Note that I'm not saying that Ian's actions were shitty and misguided. That is not the discussion we're having.) I am rather curious, actually, as to what you think Ian's motivations were? Do you imagine he was deliberatedly diminishing Mickey's trauma? Why, if so? Do you perhaps think that he is obsessed with being The Most Victim and thus takes every opportunity to list all the ways Frank sucked? Or maybe that his mouth just moves without any thought or reason and the words just randomly happened?

To be fair, it seems that Ian's motivations is not something you consider relevant: you write that ”Ian should not be comparing Terry and Frank. Full stop.” And that's absolutely a moral stance you can take, albeit certainly not the only one. Maybe Ian shouldn't have said what he said Had you given any reasons for this verdict, I might even have agreed with you because I can think of several reasons why it might be better if Ian refrained from comparing Terry and Frank, no matter his motivations. (And I might not, because I can also think of several reasons why such a comparision might be justified, even though Terry is clearly the more evil of the two.) However, we shall never know, because you fail to back up your claim. I guess that's because you deem it self-evident? It is not, and until you provide any sort of reasoning for your grand proclamation, I won't engage with the question. Not going to shadow-box with you, nonnie, or do your work for you; if you want a discussion, make your case properly. Though maybe make it elsewhere – as previously noted, passing judgement on the characters is not my primary interest when discussing them. I am much more intrigued by trying to understand why characters do and say what they do and say.

Phew. Okay, that's me done, I think. I realize that you might not be very impressed with this answer, nonnie, but I hope it may to some degree reassure you that no sneaky attempt to excuse my favourite character's actions with convoluted theories was made by this humble blogger. Not this time, at least.

#today will be a housekeeping day where i try to catch up with a few asks and tag games #sorry to spam your dashes #i have a theory by the way #and that's that the sudden influx of curious asks in my inbox is the result of my occasional andcareless foray into shitty graphics and gifs #it makes people not take me seriously anymore #okay maybe they never DID but even LESS seriously then #also it's a way to distract me from the shitty graphics and gifs #can't make them if i'm spending half a day writing this sort of stuff #so yeah i think this is the universe tell me to stay in my fucking lane #boo universe #where's your sense of fun?!#i'm gonna do what i want anyway #btw if you sent me an ask and weren't rude then NO i'm not talking about your ask #asks #shameless spoilers #11x06

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