#do i really HAVE TO tell my feelings when im in depression

[twistedastrology]

- Cancers at their worst -

----------------------------------------------------------

i just saw an ig post (no shade to the original poster) that said a cancer's dark side was everything they are stereotyped to be (extremely emotional/sensitive, are way too kind and always think people are judging them) and as a cancer that may be about to go neurotic again rn im gonna tell you from my personal experience what a cancer's dark side is actually like.

like i said though im going off of mostly just my experience so if this doesn't resonate, my bad- i did my best 🙏😔

to understand the nature of a cancer at their worst, you have to actually understand water and its potential volatility.

remember when i talked abt cancers and rage and how i said cancers are fire-coded (cardinal) water? keep that in mind for just abt this entire post.

fire is pure energy, and so is water, water just has more space to hold said energy- where fire burns out quickly, water doesn't dry out that fast at all especially if you have an ocean specifically.

people who say cancers (or really any water sign honestly-) are crybabies and switch moods every 5 seconds do not understand what water really is and this topic makes me a little livid sometimes because those are the same people that made me not like my rising sign for a long time.

to understand a cancers rock bottom, think about what water can do.

tsunamis can kill hundreds of thousands of people if they're big enough.

hurricanes, and sometimes tornadoes, form over water when the temperature is right.

the pressure at the bottom of the ocean can crush almost anything in an instant except for what has specifically evolved to live down there.

rain can lead to insane flooding (fellow floridians remember hurricane ian 2yrs ago 😕)

we have explored less of our ocean than the space around us, can you imagine what oceans on other planets would be like? especially the planets or moons that are almost Entirely water?

water represents emotion, yes, but when we boil that down to water signs being overly emotional, it doesn't make any sense and it makes some people, at least the ones that are like me, ashamed of their water placements because our society loves to say "emotion = bad." when obviously that is not true.

But if we wanna talk about the actual dark shit, aka my jupiter in scorpio's favorite shit, u gotta strap in.

Cancers feel more rage than anything.

i talked abt this specifically in my cancers and rage post, but it's true for this as well.

to use myself as the example, whenever i feel depressed or upset for some reason (like today), it's never just that sad feeling, it is always accompanied by a distinct anger because i get pissed that i feel like shit.

but if that rage doesn't get its way, or worse, gets too much of its way, i can succumb to a state of misery or, at my worst, neurosis, where multiple god awful things happen.

im not one to stay down for long, the last and first time i went neurotic, it only lasted for a week until i snapped out of it, but it was still very damaging.

cancers at their worst will feel an urge to self-destruct that may or may not be uncontrollable depending on other placements in the chart and of course how shitty they feel.

they will find something detrimental to do and if they genuinely can't, they will instead just mentally rip themselves open and daydream about what it would be like to just completely lose control and fall into a self-destructive spiral.

that's what happened to me when i went neurotic. one wrong decision and, having no access to anything that would take a toll on my physical body, i ripped myself to pieces in my head and almost fell in love with the act.

like gerard way said, there's something very romantic about it.

cancers can get moody, yes, but at this point they'll go mostly numb and tearing at their soul is the only thing they enjoy.

and then the pain will catch up to them.

once that pain catches up to them, two things will happen.

they will begin to realize what they've been doing and how pointless it is, and they will activate a duality within themselves of the desire to hurt and the need for pain relief.

they will tear at themselves even more, knowing they shouldn't be doing what they are, but it's a vicious cycle.

this will happen, and then the potential for redemption begins to boil over.

after being in the dark, blissfully hidden depths of their own mental ocean, they will realize they can't breathe anymore, and they will either suffocate themselves or snap their eyes open and swim up until they see the light they deprived themselves of for however long.

once they've made it to the surface, they gasp to catch their breath, their tears being of the need for pain relief winning against their desire to hurt.

now the water is not a personal vice, but a cleansing presence that makes them feel understood. the water gets it. the water would never judge them for what they did.

after being in the dark embrace of the depths of the ocean for so long, the light finally hitting your eyes makes color seem so much more vibrant.

- 🌙 -

all this to say that, at their worst, cancers can succumb to self destruction like no other, but they have the drive to keep them going to even them out.

they don't just cry all day or switch moods 24/7, they fall into a vat of water that, the deeper they go, reveals more and more of their very soul.

it's the deepest level of shadow work, it's the pain no one wants to go through because it's the pain of losing your personal momentum and then having to find it again in an instant before it's gone forever.

OR i could be totally wrong idk But this is my experience!!!! ✨💞💞✨💞✨💞✨💞✨ God belsls!!!!!!!!

my bad that was real dark and poetic writing now i gotta balance it out Uhhhmmmmm Legalize nuclear bombs. 💥

#astrology #astrologer #astro community #astro observations #zodiac #cancer zodiac #the moon #neptune #neptune astrology

[beesholmes]

.

#hello so yeah i talked to my friend #basically she played the victim and blamed me for not being so social and she KNOWS i am going through very hard times rn #i told her earlier to not take it personal i just don't want to interact with irls in general #but she basically thinks i dont like them and i dont tell anything about my life #which is a lie #i do tell them things about myself #do i really HAVE TO tell my feelings when im in depression #my therapist thinks i should communicate with people but she also wants me to take it easy #because what i am going through is a bit...hard to process #and my friends know that #idk i just want people to be patient with me #im really trying to push myself but its not easy at all #i just #want to stay at home forever #and like #maybe turn off my phone and just sleep and read books and watch shows #friends are usually there for you when you're going through tough times but i feel like #i have no one...i mean i do but i still feel incredibly alone #nobody gets it and im not blaming them for it but idk...i feel bad already for not being social like i used to #i think i just need some time and patience #anyways...will delete it later #tw rant #tw mental health

[hauntedwoman]

as badly as i want to avoid my mom she is making it extremely difficult

#i feel really bad that im so angry at her and she doesnt even know it #but my entire living situation is making me miserable right now and its her fault #she charges me $50 in rent every week and shes increasing it to $125 a week at the end of the month #the only reason this is happening is because she FORCED ME to drop out and the only other alternative was that i had to work full time + pa #rent.............. but like at my job even if im working 40 hrs a week ill only be making abt $900 a month #so i will barely have anything leftover for myself after rent #and i cannot get a second job bc i frankly can not handle it at all + what hours would i even work #and my mom refuses to understand that the reason i had to drop out is bc i am so depressed and so suicidal and i just dont want to live #she doesnt acknowledge that im disabled and severely mentally ill #every time i try to talk about my mental health she treats me like im such a burden to her even though i literally never tell her anything #personal anymore bc she just doesnt listen or care #ALSO she FORCED ME to move across the country and transfer schools when i really did not want (hence why i flunked all of my classes bc i d #not care) but like. everything thats wrong in my life rn is bc i do not want ot live where im living and theres no way for me to go back to #texas and also i dont rly wanna live w my dad either #but anyways. this whole situation would be better if my mom was using me paying rent as an actual lesson in adult respinsibility #but it's really just a punishment because i cant function the way she wants me to #and im over it #so fucking over it why am i such a pussy why cant i just die

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#its crazy how much easier it is to do things when youre not completely miserable lol #this past week has been weird bc ive felt really really good and like normal in a way thats kinds unfathomable #im hoping its the medication but my mood was already on an upward tilt and i was told it would take like 6 weeks for the meds to work #property but like ive been sleeping way more than usual. and by that i literally just mean 8hrs a night lol which is weird for me #like that never ever ever happens multiple days in a row. so idk. when i feel better it makes the 0cd way easier to manage as well #and im just generally not as anxious. on the more worrisome side i kinda just give less of a fuck so like i have an exam im not ready for #Tuesday and im just kinda like hm fuck that lol. ill go thru lil fluctuations of having a lot of energy too #like: i could run around in circles rn. i dont have to but i could. like yesterday i was out with friends and i was like bouncing up and #down while standing and rocking from side to side while sitting. which i kinda do anyway while in crowds but it was more to expend energy #last night i also got like 5hrs of sleep. so like maaaaybe ive been on the bleeding edge of mood elevation but for the most part it just #feels good and not destructive. like if i felt like this all the time that would b fantastic. its like oh so this is y ppl dont long to b #put out of their misery lol. depression? who? i dont kno her. sounds fake. but as soon as i fucking say that ill b fucking slapped back #down to earth. ugh. annoying. no emotional object permanence. i hope its the meds. if this is the person i am under layers of misery then #that is fucking so insane. we shall see. im curious to hear what the psychiatrist thinks of my brain when i follow up with her #i gave her my full dys1exia assessment which gives a pretty good picture of how my head functions. oh fuck i bet i would do waaaayyy better #on thise test if i took it in this state of mind. but anyway she has that on top of like 3 assessment sheets i filled out #dispite everything i still want someone to categorize me into a discreet box. tell me doc. am i really bip0lar? really really? #ur sure??? like 1000% sure bc my brain wont let me accept that unless its beyond a reasonable doubt. i just doesn't seem that serious. #i mean. it is but like ya kno. its not that bad. ay. this glob of mush behind my eyes runs me in circles #but for now thats ok bc i feel like i could run up a mountain or punch someone in the face lol #unrelated

[pepprs]

my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.

#purrs #longer than that too ofc but i think ever since i moved to campus in 2021 and shit started hitting the fan my life just started snowballing #and picked up speed majorly when i moved back home and ive been stuck in this horrible limbo ever since. like im scaring myself with how #deeply profoundly unhappy and unwell i am. i am just detached and scattered and bewildered by everything. and the only way to break free is #to fight it but i don’t even have the strength. like in order to fight it i have to have the strength and it s exactly the thing that is #being stolen from me. and i work really really hard to suppress it when im around people so no one can tell but on the inside im being eaten #alive and every day that goes on the pain gets harder to bear except im numb most of the time so i can’t tell except for when i can #one of the things that makes me saddest is ive pushed everyone away either by ghosting them or scaring them. when what i want and need the #most is love and comfort. but then when i get it it isn’t enough. idk. im not explaining it well i just feel like. horrible. unbearably #i think i need to go on meds like i truly cannot go on like this not even in a s*i cidal way it’s like i just can’t take living like this #delete later #i know im causing the people who love me pain by being unable to accept that they do love me and that’s the worst fucking part. is hurting #people by being like this. scaring people by being like this. and being so disconnected from myself #and feeling completely and utterly beyond help like nothing ive tried has fixed it but also there are a lot of things i haven’t tried but i #feel so terrible or my freedom is limited so i can’t. idk. #also the crushing knowledge / sense that i have lost the most precious important years of my life both bc of the lockdown and bc of mental #illness lol. except that’s not true bc of all the stuff abt how your best years are always ahead of you and you can make them. but it doesnt #feel like it for me and then i beat myself up bc my job is literally to exude that belief and help other ppl feel it and i increasingly cant #i remember in high school having the thought that one day i could be depressed and being conscious that i wasn’t and now i look back on that #and am like… how. and will i ever not be. i don’t think so. it just feels unending

[zero-a]

people will go all "just be yourself and love yourself! :)" and then go "if you don't act the way i want, you gotta reprogram your entire way of thinking then reach into the very core of who you are and what makes you you, discard it, and replace it with this better, friendlier, more empathetic version that's coincidentally far more convenient for me to deal with than any other possible compromise we can make that you can do for me but doesn't stretch your mind to nothing but thin bands of what you'd consider 'You' :))))))"

#mine.txt #just thinking about all those 'think positively!' and 'romanticize your life!' posts #like on one hand i can see their merit cause self-hatred though instinctual is ultimately detrimental to your mental health #but on the other hand...some of them (a lot of them) are really just unashamedly asking other people to completely change themselves huh #all in the guise of ''positive thinking'' ''self-love'' and ''betterment'' no less #i suppose i shouldnt be surprised considering most people can barely grasp the concept of someone who Genuinely has muted emotions #as a natural state instead of a depressive symptom #not to mention the human quality of escalating things #so ofc tumblr which seems to currently be in its mental health recovery phase would naturally lean in so hard towards ''radical happiness'' #but man sometimes i really do just wanna shake the person from behind the screen and say #'no! dont you understand! this is just how i am! stop implying that everybody who doesnt feel joy at simply waking up is a miserable hag!' #sometimes they dont even imply it they just straight up say it 💀 #im honestly fine (as in idc) with seeing them but they remind me so much of those toxic positivity bitches that sell you random hoaxes #and tell you that youre ''ruining their vibes'' when youre not just beaming like the sun every waking second #well idc most of the time that is #sometimes they just trigger my szpd (and my dpd weirdly enough) #with the szpd obviously i dont like being told what to do and what to feel and having some rando assume things about me #but with the dpd its like #oh i must be doing something wrong ofc this stranger on the internet knows more about emotions and feelings than me #cause im a dumbass who doesnt Feel things therefore i must do what they say even to my own detriment #this mainly applies to those guilt-trippy ones so ive learned to steer clear of them #possibly even block the op

[cinnamon-notes]

i have been ghosting my friends for idk a month??? and they have been doing the same??? except for when we meet in a workplace cuz somehow our jobs decided to cross over :)

#feeling so bad about it but like i cant bring myself to interact with people right now but i am also constantly sad because i dont interact #with anyone out of work :/ but working makes me socially exhausted & tbh all i wanna do is be depressed with my books & my movies &my tunes #but i also crave affection like i realize i have zero social life and i sometimes schedule some hangout with my friends but it's almost #become like idk a task? something i look at through work eyes. like- i arrange our hangouts the way i arrange work meetings. it's so sad. #i know it is. but still- i cant help it. through all my life ive been missing having a lifelong friend who knows me like the back of their #hands and i know like the back of mine. never had it. cant cry over that. it's passed. i cant invent lifelong friendships that never existed #and i gotta make peace with that. plus- what am i complaining about if im just incapable of keeping any friend for longer than a month??? #after the first month- maybe the first couple of months- it all gets boring and dont get me wrong i really love my friends but somehow they #lose interest in me and i lose interest in them and we become just people who know each other and occasionally hang out but like- i've never #had a friend who's there for me when things happen in my life. i've always had friends to tell things to afterwards. like- i know i cant #really pick up the phone and say “hey. im having a bad time. can we take a walk? talk on the phone? can you tell me about your day? can you #just be here for me?“ and i cant even idk just randomly pop up with a ”oh my god i hate him i hate him i hate him it's a whole montague vs #capulet but if romeo and juliet never existed kind of hatred!!“ i just cant vent right away. ive always thought that that's my problem. #and maybe it is. but still- how's come they can vent to me? im always there right away. i do love my people and i show up for them. #sometimes my depression makes it soooo difficult to hang out constantly but if there's one thing that cannot be said about mw is that i dont #care. cuz i do. and maybe that's the problem #and maybe it's just easier for me to care than let others care? idk? but then again- i did try to open up. i did try to let them care. i did #try everything by the book & off the book but still- idk it's always just an “im sorry” never an “i care so much to say more than im sorry” #and yeah it's my problem cuz i am not a constant person im not that steady in what i do. i still dont know if it's because i havent found #yet the people worth doing it or if i am just traumatized (my ex is knocking on this door lol) but- idk it makes me extremely sad!!! #and ive rambled on way too much but i jusg needed to let some things out of my mind cuz i cant understand whats wrong with me and why i #crave true friendships although im hella scared of and bored of and unwilling to nurturing one :) #cinnamon diary

[iraqueer]

.

#really does so being fun to your brain to get affirmations and compliments from strangers or friends (ie people i see frequently) more than #the family i live with. like mixed with rsd wich makes evrey criticism hold ten times the weight of a compliment means when i do get i compl #compliment from the family i live with it sounds disingenuous #like i know ill get a lecture or a passive aggressive comment so that compliment doesnt count. or i had to fish for it so it doesnt count #it makes me feel like im barely tolerable to the people i live with who see me the most in my tuest self the only reason my friends or aqu #or acquaintances dont feel that way is cuz they havent been around me enogh and eventually ill exhaist all goodwill and love that people hav #have for me until they only associate with me because of obligation. it also makes me prone to cry when someone gives me a compliment and it #it makes me scared to share this with my family becasue i feel like theyll ruin it. i tell my husband that the pediatrician says the kids a #are growing qell amd hitting theyre milestones and he sqys that she always says that and to everyone and it cheapens the compliment #people who dont live with me think im intelligent amd competant and funny and a joy to know but i dont get that fweling from my family and i #i know part of it is because of my shit brain that weights criticisms so much more strongly but a part of it is the things they say amd more #more importantly the things they dont it feels so rar that i get a compliment of any kind and i dont know if its my stupid depressed brain #making me perceive this or if its true if its a mix or if i developed this thought process because i was taught this #worst part is i dont feel shit enough to cry and get that emotional release #tldr eventually evreyone hates me and one day my kids will too hahahahahaha i physically feel pain rn lol

[kohakhearts]

well folks its been a good two months of denial but i am finally ready to admit that the reason everything sucks is because of major depression relapse. if i werent so depressed id make this everyone elses problem by projecting it on to blorbo but alas

#taylor.txt #incapable of making this not a joke but i do have to say it kinda sucks #like obviously ive never been 100% free of my depression probably on account of it developing when i was a Child and then not getting any #treatment or even really any sympathy for until i was in my late teens but. BUT. even my historic mental breakdown 2 years ago didnt really #feel like depression. like yeah i was sad and hopeless but this is very different. sad and lethargic more so. simply too tired to be lost i #despair. which is i guess a good thing because it means its easier for me to fix. its just that right now im kinda stuck in it #i dont know if id say ive experienced major depression since my first year of uni #thats why ive been denying it all this time despite it being pretty…glaringly obvious #anyway. good news is im meeting with the prof of one of the classes im currently failing this week #and now i guess i kind of have an idea of what to tell her because all this time ive been struggling and i havent understood why #the content makes sense. i understand whats going on. but my memory has gotten so bad recently and the energy required to do my assignments #has been way too much. and im past my limit on that at this point unfortunately. like yeah shes probably gonna tell me well that sucks but #theres nothing i can do to save your grade and thats fine but at least i know even if it was a Me Problem that i let myself get depressed #again in the first place being actively depressed is a major barrier that i at least know isnt 100% me being an idiot with a bad attitude #i will struggle to the finish line but i will make it there. even if i fail a class or two in the process #and regardless of if it gets better i will finally go see my therapist again in the new year </3 something obviously led to this so whos to #say it wouldnt happen again if i just let that fester. whatever it is #also writing has been tough for the same reason school has been tough but its still happening and i will do more of it when school is over #i PROMMY

[widevibratobitch]

aaaaaaand it's starting. mom's bestie just texted me asking to come over this weekend cause it's Bad and it's probably the last chance to talk and maybe say goodbye to my mom's husband and i need to take care of her. god. i wont get through this weekend unless im high or drunk istg.

#time to slightly overdose my depression meds again ig lol #anyway. it is a little better with me these last two weeks. turns out the meds do work when you actually take em regularly #but first my best friend's break up that she's blowing up to unimaginable size #acting as if she just got divorced with the love of her life after 20 years #and not ended a few months long relationship with a guy who's been the source of most of her troubles since the moment they started dating #(ofc she's valid and id never tell her that because like. i get it. some people feel stuff more deeply. but its hard to be supportive #when you genuinely feel like this is the best possible outcome for her and that the relationship was only dragging her down all this time) #and now this. and this is gonna be infinitely worse. and then it's gonna get a million times worse when he actually does die. #and i feel like the worst most selfish person ever which like. probably am. but i did tell my cousin who actually knows my mom really well #and she said she understands and that my fears ARE valid because SHE'S terrified of how she's gonna handle my mom #and she wouldn't wanna be me in that situation cause it's gonna be so much worse for me lmao #like i feel like people who know my mother casually really dont understand just how unhinged emotionally she is #anyway. i feel so overwhelmed. i cant handle this jesus. #but im also emotionally unavailable and refuse to actually confide in another person because i dont want to be a bother <3333 #god i love tumblr. i can literally type anything in those tags lol it's the perfect form of venting since you can just scroll by #but i will still have let it out of myself anyway uwu i literally dont need that therapy fr #anyway. i feel so unbelievably fucking lonely and on one hand it's my own fault for withdrawing and refusing to ask for help. #but on the other hand. i AM alone. like there's no one who can help me in this particular situation. #i have no siblings. obviously my dad isnt gonna help. it all falls down to me. good god. i wanna throw up.

[caffeinatedopossum]

People be like "you don't look autistic"

Bestie I may be wearing metaphorical shoes but I promise you underneath this, all I feel is wet socks. All the way down. My deepest emotion. Wet sock.

#other autistics please tell me you know what im talking about #my deepest emotion really is wet sock and im convinced this is why i have depression #hrrg its like whole body gag. like the feeling of a limb falling asleep but on all of my skin #its like being able to hear rats in your walls all the time. the sensory. why the world so sensory all the time ;-; #anyway im a bit unhinged because ive been very sick and very overstimulated for days #and i swear to go i cant do anything without wanting to bite myself in frustration #literally if i want to take a drink? oopsie i spilled it and now im wet AND sticky. two of the textures ever #PLUS my wrist hurts now because i lifted something and im still thirsty because i cant move or think when all i feel is wet and sticky #hnng wet socks. wet socks ;-; #and i cant really stim to help because im way too tired for that #plus my main stim is just. pacing. and my balance is shit right now which means i will walk into walls so many timez #and yes it hurts a lot when i walk into walls #i got the No Proprioception update for Autism apparently -_- im so tired of being inhumanly clumsy #send backup im so sleepy

[genekies]

screaming in the club

time for another vent in tags

#so i was joking and i thought it came through but im also dumb and autistic and my jokes dont always cross. sO #i was joking about one of my roomates not seeing Nightmare Before Christmas before bc i was showing 2 of them my picture vinyl of it and whe #n one of them said they never saw it i said “but you were a loser on tumblr in the 2010s wdym” and their fiance was just rude to me and i th #ought it was clearly a joke but ig not and they lowley attacked me for it? im just?? i tried to clarify that i was joking and they know im a #utistic. hell the one i was joking to is also autistic but idk so now i feel like utter shit especially after all i did today thst juet drai #ned me. ive been trying to fix our 2nd shower. i had a meeting. i had an extremely hard therapy session. and i showered today. its been hell #like i am trying to get thru relapsing on SH and my ED and ofc they dont know but that shit made it worse and i dont want to say anything bc #then ill feel like im guilt tripping? idk but im also super nervous about a HRT appmt i have coming up and i cant afford it and we have no #food in the house i can eat rn and no one has gone shopping. i cant go shopping either bc i cant drive/dont have a car. and its making it #harder to help get back on track with eating when theres nothing for me to eat? so everything is fucking amazing right now. #the only meals i could POSSIBLY have and all claimed by the one roommate i was joking with. it all takes up half our freezer too so thats #fucking awesome. all this food for one person and none that i can eat or the other vegan in the house can eat. i have been hungry for DAYS. #all there has been for me to eat is cup ramen and grilled cheese. AND SOMEONE WHO WASNT FUCKING VEGAN ATE ALL THE VEGAN CHEESE IM GENUINELY #SO PISSED OFF? like dude yall have your own cheese wtf #the thing is its already really hard for me to tell when i am actually hungry bc of years of ignoring it so when i actually feel it and ther #es nothing it really gets to me. im so tired and idek where my EBT card is to get myself something. its all just so much. #i just want to lay in my bed and sleep for days. but i cant. i have too much shit to do. like even just tomorrow i have to clean the #bathroom. mop the kitchen. do dishes. shovel snow. and just generally take.care of shit because since we have 2 roomates MIA right now and #no one else wanted to do shit i had to step up and i am STRUGGLING. i have been for a while. the thing is everyone that didnt sign up for sh #it didnt have much going on besides probable seasonal depression #i relapsed. have debilitating mental health. i can barely get out of bed before 4 pm. and i have to take care of myself and my cat. #im so close to snapping on them at this point #i need the one roommate i actually like to come back or i swear i will lose my shit. hes only been gone for 6 days but HOLY SHIT #everything has gone to shit #vent over ig im going to sleep soon. still hungry if i cant find something.

[polaraffect]

#damien.txt #so listen. i've been kind of fucking depressed for the past 3 months ish #and im going to tell a story related to that in the tags so. if u continue to read. judgement free zone for me pls okay? #cool cool so im like. Really bad abt taking care of my self & my surroundings when im depressed #esp bc like. im in school & work so. literally ALL of my energy goes to those two things #and i will go. weeks upon weeks not cleaning my room #not throwing out trash. which i am AWARE is gross. but truly i would get home and pass tf out and then wake up and #start the day again. like i just truly was not engaging it in any way #anyways. so there's this library book that's been sitting on my nightstand for around a month ish #and ive also been using it as a place for other nightstand things- putting cups on. glasses at night. etc. #well. so i get an email that this book is due back tomorrow. so im like 'oh i should put this book in my backpack' #and i lift it up..... and fuck. there is literally spotty mold ALL. OVER. the back of this fucking book #i guess one of the cups i left on the night stand leaked liquid onto my nightstand and then it soaked into the book or something #and the book didnt move for a Month so like. it's had forever to just sit there and mold over. #and fuck. fuck! i was having such a good night before this too. #now im like.... what the fuck do i even do #i probably just need to go turn it in & pay the fucking expensive fee but like. fuck me. i wanna cry #it always feels like one thing on top of another. like things just are constantly going wrong in my life #and like i Know this is not. the biggest deal in the world. but it just feels like such a dumb fucking thing to happen idk. #anyways. gonna cry abt that and. i guess figure out what im doing with it tomorrow /:

[pantestudines]

ultimately I think the worst thing is that all of my issues just seem to be, at the root of it, just kind of having a weird and somewhat bad personality? Like, I don't really have, to my knowledge, any specific trauma, illness, difference in ability, or deviation away from society's standards that explains why I struggle so much. I kinda just suck in a normal way.

#by all intents and purposes i really should be doing stellar and yet #i guess i do have moderate-severe depression but what i mean is like. there isnt a reason for it yknow. #no one died. society doesnt want to kill me. I'm poor but close enough to middle class that its usually not an issue. no trauma. #had a generally happy childhood. a little lonely but i didnt feel it at the time and i wasnt completely friendless #so why am i depressed? who knows! beyond depression why do i struggle with every day tasks? fuck if i know! #frankly im not even sure im actually socially inept due to brain reasons i think im just like that. the way i was raised or something #im offputting strange lazy and all around kinda weird but as far a i can tell this is just because my parents are also like this #and thats not exactly something i can say in an application when talking about challenges ive faced in college lol

[loveandlucky]

X

#ok rant moment #so for years now i have struggled with excessive and disturbing nightmares and i wake up often during the night #a month ago i finally decided enough was enough and i went to my doctor about it #i was scared hed tell me i was just wating the wrong thing or having too much caffeine #that i wouldnt be believed #but he was instantly so kind and cared about the issue and didnt blame it on me #he said with what i was describing and how it happens every night no matter what #as well as me confirming i had multiple accounts of trauma and chronic depression and anxiety that i go to dbt therapy for #that these were ptsd induced nightmares and my fight or flight system is not turning off even when i sleep #which causes vivid dreams and feelings of high anxiety causing nightmares and spiking my blood pressure enough to wake me often #i felt...so validated #he gave me a medicine that helps with them which i didnt even know existed #anyway i was telling my mom and aunt about it this weekend #just about my sleep problems and how i got meds #and they were just saying how they thought i just vape too much or drink too much caffeine #i was upset by this but i let it go. #they just wont understand and any time i bring up anything about my trauma to my mom she doesnt wanna hear it or believe it #which is really shitty but i guess ive accepted it #anyway ive been doing 1mg per night for 3 days and its helped a little but im excited to move on to 2mg tonight bc thats what the dosage #schedule is #ive been quiet about this problem that i thought was normal for so long and i cant say how good it feels to at least be validated and #helped by my doctor #thanks for listening wheee #♡♡♡

[cinnamon-notes]

i can't sleep :c

#and i think it's because i kinda have a lot on my plate rn #and lately i've gotten back into journaling- which is something im really proud of- cuz you know when i was with my ex i could never have my #own privacy so i had to give up journaling- which is something i had been doing nonstop since i was five and i could barely write #grammatically correct sentences- and im happy that im eventually journaling again- i really am- but this means that i do not know how to #handle my feelings unless i write- and today i was too depressed to write #cuz stuff happened at work as it usually does and im almost on my period and my PMS is killing me #then this man decided to tell me im incapable of loving and i will never find someone to love me back and that im a bad person and that im #uncaring and this hurt so much although i knew he was teasing- it still hurt! #then this other guy said im unreliable cuz i didn't show up for a task that was even optional and i had never 100% agreed on before #and i didn't show up because: depression + pms getting worse + had to figure out some bureaucratic shit that was pivotal and urgent #i talked to the moon this morning #that conversation we had (yeah i believe she replied) was the most meaningful thing of the day #so rn im just focusing on replaying it in my head because it was sweet and it was cathartic and i wanna do that tomorrow again #so im looking forward to it #while stupid voices in my head keep telling me that man is right and i AM a bad person who can't love and cant be loved #while stupid voices in my head tell me people are better off without me #ugh- i really cannot sleep- i have a lot of anxiety #and i hate that the most of it is caused by that stupid man i really hate that man #cinnamon darkness