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the-darklings · 3 years

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coa one year later & self-reflection

(*drags out a creaky metal chair and plops down on it heavily*)

Hi. It’s me, ya boi skinny--

Wait, wrong one. Do over.

Hi, it’s me, Kat, and I’m not dead. Clearly. Today being one year anniversary of COA has kinda put me in a reflective mood, so I guess I decided to sit down and just...talk about some things, thoughts and feelings I’ve been bottling inside for a hot sec. Especially given how radio silent I have gone on here and people deserve a bit of perspective.

And before anyone starts worrying, it’s all good, and I’m still around and currently in good health for the most part.

So, let’s take it back to the start. Regardless of how dramatic it may sound, we need to go back a year for that.

By technicality alone, COA actually turned one year old on October 12th. That’s when the first part was posted. However, the reason I’m treating today as the aforementioned birthday is simple: I had no intention of this story ever being more than a short two-parter. I told this to the discord gang already but COA was only going to have two parts. V was going to die in Tokyo and the rest of the story follows glimpses of John throughout the movies and it’s her ghost that haunts him. Skipping ahead, it was going to have a bittersweet ending of John eventually dying, having completed his task, only to be greeted by V, Daisy and Helen in the afterlife. A peace of sorts. Then, I realised that, well, no. I have more to say on this world and intrigue about this placeholder character V kept growing.

November 1st happened and I made a very last minute call to continue COA but with the added pressure of doing it during NaNoWriMo 2019. And boy did I. Most of the story was figured out during that very intense month. I posted Part 2 on this day a year ago because I was so eager to share it. Perhaps, in retrospect, a bit too eager.

For those of you who may not know this, I work as a writer full time for my actual every day job. I’m the main writer for an original webcomic called In the Bleak Midwinter on Webtoon.com and have been for almost two years now. Getting what is essentially your dream job is amazing. I’m very lucky on that front but it also taught me stark realities of having your job and only hobby overlap. It’s a dangerous creative mix. Especially because I was not used to being constraint in what I create or the feeling like I have to please anyone else. Writing as a job is a whole other avenue of creative exhaustion. I love my job a lot and am very, very lucky to have it but it doesn’t change the fact that those initial stages made me fall back on COA a lot for creative freedom that I craved so desperately. To an unhealthy degree looking back on it now.

But going back to November last year. NaNo time. I did it. Finished on the 24/25th I believe. A juicy final count of 52k+. All while maintaining a weekly update schedule for a fic that usually hit around 10k per update, if not more, even during those early days. Add writing an original story on top of that. Writing every day for hours on end (we are talking 10-12hr days) without any time for other hobbies or time for myself in general. I kept pushing and pushing and pushing. Losing weight and sleep in the process. I think the thing that convinced me that I should continue doing so is the fact that the outpour of support for COA ended up surpassing anything I ever expected or even dared to hope for. I’m not a huge numbers person but the outpour of love and just sheer investment in the story and characters blew me away. John Wick fandom is on the smaller side and has been going through downtime when I posted COA so my expectations were...well, small tbh. I like keeping expectations low to avoid any disappointments in general. But I’ve also always had an issue of being a massive 0 or 100 kind of person. If I love something, it consumes me. In this case, it brought me as much joy and freedom as much as it was steadily pushing me towards the ultimate crash.

That being said, I can’t thank you all enough for every comment, like, reblog and message and fanart. You’re the reason I got this far. With your support. It brightened some really dark days for me.

But.

To be frank, it’s never been about you guys. I never wrote or pushed because I felt like I had to appease anyone. That creative mindset is pure poison and I long since learned to let go of it. I kept pushing and kept working myself to the bone because I liked it. I liked how reading peoples’ responses made me feel. I liked the addictive nature of reading all the comments and theories after an update. I loved the idea of brightening peoples’ days and giving them something to cheer them up after what might have been a shitty day. Even if that was at expense of my own time/well being. But for a long time, it wasn’t. I love writing a lot but facts remain facts.

It was beyond unhealthy and burnout wasn’t a question of if but when and that when was approaching at neck-breaking speed.

So we come to the end of November. Part 4 has just come out. People were invested and I was invested alongside them. I was just finishing up Part 5 which (back then) was the biggest single chapter I’ve ever written and god I still recall my sheer dread because that was the beginning of Santino being established as a LI. Looking back on that now, it’s downright hilarious how worried I was about the reception of him and V together after John.

So honestly, I hit burnout at around Part 8. Because that’s the first time I recall struggling with writing a chapter. Part 8 came out on December 28th. I had a brief break for holidays. But my mistake was not taking longer back then. Because I continued writing with a barely healed burnout. Followed by almost a year of struggling and continuously creating through that state. It wasn’t like I eased off the pressure, either. Oh, no. The chapters grew in size, the world and the characters with it. AUs amassed quickly and while I adore every single one - again, I didn’t know how to pace myself well enough.

I’m spiteful though. The more the chapters struggled the more I pushed against the burnout. By the time Chicago arrived, however, I knew I was in trouble. I ended up writing 43k+ in a span of 2 months, I believe. And while to some it may not seem like a lot given the time frame, it’s a lot when you’re burnout to a crisp & writing an original story for work + deadlines. Which I was burned out and then some. Chicago was something I was looking forward to writing for months. I have built it up since Part 4. It was a long time coming. So while I’m still proud of it, I would be lying if I said that some scenes were not sacrificed for the sake of keeping to my invisible schedule that no one but me actually cared about. You guys have always been patient. I never felt pushed into anything. It’s always only ever been me doing the harm.

Chicago was the downwards spiral for me mentally. I felt like I was failing to live up to my own expectations. That people were drifting away from it. I was plagued by the thought that the story I poured so much into was falling apart and growing weaker. Which this has always been an issue with me: I am my own harshest critic. Always have been. In fact, I’m a downright mean little fucker when it comes to just tearing at myself. I know writing is for fun - and it is - but I still like the idea of being proud of my work which only made everything worse despite the love each update received.

This takes us to the beginning of June. Specifically, June the 2nd. Or, as I like to call it: Kat Makes Another Impulsive Decision but This One Actually Works Out For the Better. On this day, I created the COA Discord server. And damn, I’m not sure what exactly I was expecting when I did ngl. I did it for fun and as an escape more so than anything. But somehow it ended up being the best decision I made in a long while. I know some of you are reading this. So love you lots, dorks. It’s such a privilege to be able to call so many of you my friends even outside of COA now. That little community has given me some of the best memories from this year and helped me to crawl out of my own metaphorical pit I was stuck in. Mentally, I’m doing much better than I did beginning of this summer. Which could be summed up as a constant self-hatred cycle and a feeling of inadequacy.

That, however, does not mean my burnout magically disappeared. If anything Chapter 17 just put a nail in the coffin so to speak. 2020 has been a shitty year just across the board for obvious reasons I don’t need to go into here but that can only partially be attributed to my mental state. Chapter 17 was...exhaustive. To say the least. But I was determined to stick with my vision and not split it up. I was also starting to be a bit more forgiving towards myself in terms of how long I may take to write it thanks to guys on discord though the feeling of failure and worry never quite faded fully. I’m proud of Part 17. Truly. But that was also when I hit rock bottom creatively on COA. It drained me completely.

I tried writing Part 18 for weeks after, day in and day out, not getting past the first scene and hating every word I wrote. So I took a deep breath and stopped. Figured I let it marinate and wait instead of trying to piece one of the most crucial chapters in this story like some Frankenstein monster two sentences at the time.

So my solution was simple: give myself some distance from it and write other things. Get my spark back. Of course that’s always a good idea. Having multiple creative escapes is the best thing you can do for yourself creatively. There was just one tiny little problem.

I was still burned out. Still am. The problem went deeper than just being burned out over COA. I was burned out over writing itself.

Which is an issue for a person who only has writing as a creative outlet.

I don’t have any other way to express myself. So I was stuck in a runt, trying to write because it’s the only thing that makes me genuinely happy even when I really shouldn’t have. And let me tell you. It’s a shitty fucking feeling. My burnout worsened. I had a thousand ideas but every time I tried to get them down it felt forced, fragmented, and weak. Repetitive and dry. Now, this is also in part because English isn’t my native language, so my vocab is limited as a result, but I hit that sweet rock bottom in that regard, too.

So, I worked on V (but in her OC form Clara), Lucien and The Elites. All those characters have grown so much since you last read about them. I have multiple original projects planned down the line that will feature all of them existing in their own world, with their own stories and no longer constrained by JW canon.

Which, finally, takes us to the end of October and beginning of November 2020.

I was convinced that the best course of action was to do NaNo again but with an original story this time (involving V). Suffice to say, it took a grand total of maybe 5-6 days and hating every second of writing it while also feeling like this project I’m so passionate and excited to write (still am) is just...going down the toilet to be blunt, to realise I may have made the wrong call.

Still, the stubborn ass that I am, I pushed through. Convinced I can get into it if I just keep going. The realizations that I am sharing with you right now won’t have been possible if it hadn’t been for a rather curious turn of events about a week and a half ago.

I recently bought a gaming laptop, all in preparation for Cyberpunk 2077 dropping ofc. But, in the meantime, I kept recommending a game to a friend on the COA server. That game? Far Cry 5. (It’s a blast to play btw, just a side note.) And playing it brought back all the feelings of nostalgia from the days when I used to write for that fandom. So I revisited some old work. Checked the stuff I never published and that has been sitting ducks in my docs for months and hoo boy. Let me tell you it was a vibe check of the worst kind.

The stark difference in the prose and the ease with which it flowed was...startling. It made me remember why I love writing so much and how proud I used to be of what I wrote back in the day. Which is not to say I’m not proud now, but it was just such a sharp dip in quality it was impossible to ignore.

So I didn’t.

I paused NaNo, moving it to another month. I paused writing for everything but work, which with our season coming to an end I will also get a rest from soon, too. I kinda paused in general. For the first time in a while, I finally forced myself to switch off. Rest.

The reason why I haven’t been on here is simple: guilt and not having energy to be on here. I like making my blog a safe space for everyone. Similar to escape it has become for me. I couldn’t pretend I was fine when I wasn’t. I felt obliged to perform and being here became exhausting. I haven’t been checking my inbox. Haven’t done much of anything except occasionally dropping by and reblogging a random post so people know I’m alive.

And that’s that, folks. That’s where I am currently. Resting. Completely exhausted mentally but resting. Getting my energy back.

So where does that leave us, huh? If you read this far, dunno what to tell you. Thanks, I suppose. It’s still odd to think people actually care about my existence sometimes.

I know what you’re likely thinking, too. So does this mean COA is never gonna be finished? What is gonna happen to it? Are you abandoning it?

The answer: no. 17 out of 25 chapters and 250k+ in, I’m too far in not to give it a proper conclusion. Not because I owe it to anyone other than myself. I want this story to be a stepping stone for my future as a writer. I want to prove to myself that I can get this done and finish it. As of right now (as you can no doubt tell with how long it’s been since last update) it’s on a soft hiatus while I rest. This rest? Not sure how long it may last. Right now, my plan is till mid December at which point I will reevaluate. Ideally, I finish the year with an update. But my New Year’s resolution is to finish COA. That timeline has become a little more murky now but, again, ideally it’s within the first quarter of 2021. Will that happen? I don’t know. And I don’t want to make false promises, either.

All I’m saying is that it will be done. I’m just no longer sure how long, exactly, it may take me to reach that Epilogue. I don’t expect many people to stick around for however long it may take me, but if you do, thank you. Truly. I really and deeply mean that.

So what’s on the cards for this blog in the meantime? Well, CP77 is coming out in under a month (if it doesn’t get moved again lmao rip) and I expect that to be my soft return to posting my writing on here again. We will see where the muse takes me, if at all. Regardless though, I’m excited.

One doctorate thesis later, here we are at the end of this really long rambling session. I hope that this has given you some perspective on things going on behind the scenes. I spared you some of the gorier details but I think this post has been long overdue. I suppose I, myself, was just too unwilling to face these things despite knowing about them deep down for a while now. I’m too self-critical not to notice but acting on correcting this behavior has been a whole other matter clearly.

Thank you for reading this post, my writing in general, and supporting me. I’m not going anywhere. I’m still around. More is on the way in the future. I’ll be seeing you all real soon. And all my love to all of you.

Love,

- Kat.

#kat speaks #blog psa #i suppose

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welllpthisishappening · 3 years

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Welllp These Are Books: the April 2021 Edition

I did not read Romeo and Juliet this month. I read a bunch of other books. Like, a bunch. More than one series. Because Big Bang burnout is real and grown adults missing their deadlines is a real good way to stress me out. So, I read a bunch. Good books, very bad books, books that caused limbs to flail. For positive and not-so-positive reasons. Naturally, all those reasons must be shared. Under the cut with occasionally long and rant-prone reviews, as well as spoilers. Beware of spoilers under the cut. Please keep telling me what to read, internet. My library wish list is almost comically long now.

GIVE ME ALL THE WORLD BUILDING AND SNARK AND FIGHTING! WITH MAGIC! AND SWORDS! IT’S MY FAVORITE THING IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!

Shades of Magic Series by V.E. Schwab

Kell is one of the last Antari—magicians with a rare, coveted ability to travel between parallel Londons; Red, Grey, White, and, once upon a time, Black. After an exchange goes awry, Kell escapes to Grey London and runs into Delilah Bard, a cut-purse with lofty aspirations. Now perilous magic is afoot, and treachery lurks at every turn. To save all of the worlds, they'll first need to stay alive.

— Picture it, approximately twelve forty-seven am. My husband is asleep. I am reading. The second book in this series ends. And I say, right out loud, at what might now be twelve forty-eight am, HOLY SHIT IT JUST ENDED. Justin thought we were under attack. No man has ever snapped awake quicker. He was not pleased. At least not in the same way that I was about these books. Which I goddamn LOVED. Loved. The world building. The magic. The banter. Rhy and Kell’s relationship. Once more. RHY AND KELL’S RELATIONSHIP. Which I might have cared about more than the romance??? Maybe??? I cannot get over how good this world building was. I know people have quips with it, and that’s fair. I saw the “twist” coming in the first book, and I think trying to preserve that left some plot holes that are understandably frustrating. Because Lilah definitely needed depth perception to fight as well as she did. Also did Schwab really refer to her as a cross dresser in her author’s note? Yikes. She wore a dude’s jacket, like—c’mon V.E. Other than that though. I loved it. Also shout out to @peglegsjones for suggesting this one in my 2020 post and call out to me for taking so long to read it.

Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo

Ketterdam: a bustling hub of international trade where anything can be had for the right price—and no one knows that better than criminal prodigy Kaz Brekker. Kaz is offered a chance at a deadly heist that could make him rich beyond his wildest dreams. But he can't pull it off alone. . . . A convict with a thirst for revenge. A sharpshooter who can't walk away from a wager. A runaway with a privileged past. A spy known as the Wraith. A Heartrender using her magic to survive the slums. A thief with a gift for unlikely escapes. Six dangerous outcasts. One impossible heist. Kaz's crew is the only thing that might stand between the world and destruction—if they don't kill each other first.

— I’ve talked about how little I cared about anything that happened in Shadow and Bone before, but I kept seeing gifs of the Crows in the Netflix show and my brain was like: huh, I could like them. So, after some help from the very helpful internet, I’m happy to report I do in fact like them. At one point, I slunk into the couch. Like that’s how overcome with emotion I was. Kaz ripped a dude’s eye out! For Inej! Matthias loved Nina’s laugh! I would like to hug Jesper. Seriously, this hit all my high points and world building and banter and I lol’ed at “scheming face.” I would like my hold to come through faster on the sequel.

THEY DID NOT CALL INTERMISSION HALFTIME AND MY COLLEGE EXPERIENCE WAS WAY DIFFERENT THAN THESE KIDS

The Off Campus Series by Elle Kennedy

Hannah Wells has finally found someone who turns her on. But while she might be confident in every other area of her life, she’s carting around a full set of baggage when it comes to sex and seduction. If she wants to get her crush’s attention, she’ll have to step out of her comfort zone and make him take notice…even if it means tutoring the annoying, childish, cocky captain of the hockey team in exchange for a pretend date. All Garrett Graham has ever wanted is to play professional hockey after graduation, but his plummeting GPA is threatening everything he’s worked so hard for. If helping a sarcastic brunette make another guy jealous will help him secure his position on the team, he’s all for it. But when one unexpected kiss leads to the wildest sex of both their lives, it doesn’t take long for Garrett to realize that pretend isn’t going to cut it. Now he just has to convince Hannah that the man she wants looks a lot like him.

— The first book in this series was free on Amazon. So, I read it. And really liked it??? It was so chock full of cliches and badly written tropes and Garrett probably should have accepted that Hannah didn’t want to go out at the start, but like—he was cute? And as we all know I am TRASH™ for stories set in the same verse, so, like, I just kept reading these trashy college hockey books. Trashy is a compliment here. God, these kids had so much sex. So much. An incredible amount, really. I once had a guy tell me he was physically attracted to me, but not emotionally attracted to me in college. Like, that was my college experience. The first and second books were the best, I think. I didn’t really like Dean that much.

MAYBE IT WAS BECAUSE HE WAS A RABBI???

The Intimacy Experiement by Rosie Danan

Naomi Grant has built her life around going against the grain. After the sex-positive start-up she cofounded becomes an international sensation, she wants to extend her educational platform to live lecturing. Unfortunately, despite her long list of qualifications, higher ed won't hire her. Ethan Cohen has recently received two honors: LA Mag nominated him as one of the city's hottest bachelors and he became rabbi of his own synagogue. Low on both funds and congregants, the executive board of Ethan's new shul hired him with the hopes that his nontraditional background will attract more millennials to the faith. They've given him three months to turn things around or else they'll close the doors of his synagogue for good. Naomi and Ethan join forces to host a buzzy seminar series on Modern Intimacy, the perfect solution to their problems--until they discover a new one--their growing attraction to each other. They've built the syllabus for love's latest experiment, but neither of them expected they'd be the ones putting it to the test.

— Ok, I know that sounds bad. Again, I’m a creature of predictable habit and this was the sequel to The Roommate, which I absolutely LOVED last year. But where as the relationship in that one was kind of swoony, this one was...I don’t know, really. Everyone was a well-rounded character and the plot was good, but there was this semi-invisible something that made it difficult for me to get fully on board with the whole story. Honestly, it might be because he was a religious figure?? Also, they got together real quick. Like zero to sixty in twenty-six seconds flat.

I KNOW IT’S BAD, IT WAS BAD AND YET—I CANNOT STOP READING IT???

Too Wild to Tame by Tessa Bailey

Sometimes you just can't resist playing with fire . . . By day, Aaron Clarkson suits up, shakes hands, and acts the perfect gentleman. But at night, behind bedroom doors, the tie comes off and the real Aaron comes out to play. Mixing business with pleasure got him fired, so Aaron knows that if he wants to work for the country's most powerful senator, he'll have to keep his eye on the prize. That's easier said than done when he meets the senator's daughter, who's wild, gorgeous, and 100 percent trouble. Grace Pendleton is the black sheep of her conservative family. Yet while Aaron's presence reminds her of a past she'd rather forget, something in his eyes keeps drawing her in. Maybe it's the way his voice turns her molten. Or maybe it's because deep down inside, the ultra-smooth, polished Aaron Clarkson might be more than even Grace can handle . . .

— Last month I read the first book in this series and it was absolutely ridiculous. This one even more so. The Clarksons are still on the road trip (sans one sibling because she fell in love in a week in the first book) and Aaron was, like, not a root’able character? Very Edward Cullen I’M A BAD GUY, BELLA vibes and his relationship with Grace was so strange. Super rushed again, obvs. Meeting in the woods is weird enough. Professing love forty-eight hours later is decidedly unbelievable. Also there was a kidnapping involved? I totally put a hold on the next book in the series.

COME UP WITH DIFFERENT TRAUMA, I DARE YOU! OR NO TRAUMA. WHAT A CONCEPT!!

The Trouble With Hating You by Sajni Patel

Liya Thakkar is a successful biochemical engineer, takeout enthusiast, and happily single woman. The moment she realizes her parents' latest dinner party is a setup with the man they want her to marry, she's out the back door in a flash. Imagine her surprise when the same guy shows up at her office a week later -- the new lawyer hired to save her struggling company. What's not surprising: he's not too thrilled to see her either after that humiliating fiasco.

Jay Shah looks good on paper...and off. Especially if you like that whole gorgeous, charming lawyer-in-a-good-suit thing. He's also infuriating. As their witty office banter turns into late-night chats, Liya starts to think he might be the one man who truly accepts her. But falling for each other means exposing their painful pasts. Will Liya keep running, or will she finally give love a real chance?

— I had such high hopes for this one. Which is on me, I guess. Because I didn’t hate this one, but it was...not great. Maybe I’m just getting old and crotchety but I am BEGGING romance writers to come up with different trauma for their female protagonists. Not every woman has to have been assaulted to rationalize their current personality. Doesn’t have to happen. Like, ok, yes it does happen. Far more than it should. But that’s an entirely different story, and I am so tired of female characters getting absolutely destroyed by their past only to have that be their defining characteristic for so much of the book. Until a nice man they were initially mean to shows up and he’s UNDERSTANDING and he CARES and it’s just, bleh. It’s bleh. Tired and predictable and I’m over it.

IN WHICH I SHOULD HAVE LOOKED AT THE COVER

Much Ado About You by Samantha Young

At thirty-three-years old Evangeline Starling’s life in Chicago is missing that special something. And when she’s passed over for promotion at work, Evie realizes she needs to make a change. Some time away to regain perspective might be just the thing. In a burst of impulsivity, she plans a holiday in a quaint English village. The holiday package comes with a temporary position at Much Ado About Books, the bookstore located beneath her rental apartment. There’s no better dream vacation for the bookish Evie, a life-long Shakespeare lover. Not only is Evie swept up in running the delightful store as soon as she arrives, she’s drawn into the lives, loves and drama of the friendly villagers. Including Roane Robson, the charismatic and sexy farmer who tempts Evie every day with his friendly flirtations. Evie is determined to keep him at bay because a holiday romance can only end in heartbreak, right? But Evie can’t deny their connection and longs to trust in her handsome farmer that their whirlwind romance could turn in to the forever kind of love.

— Ok, so I had had this book on hold for so long that I genuinely forgot about it and forgot who it was written by. Samantha Young wrote that one book that I called the worst book I had ever read. Only I did not realize that when I started reading this one. So, you see how this sets us up for disaster. Because this book was a disaster. Everyone was goddamn annoying. And whiny. Shit, everyone whined. About everything. Also, the actual writing was atrocious. I am not usually one to be like “men can’t write,” but at one point I told both @shireness-says and @optomisticgirl that this book must have been secretly written by a man because no woman writing it would be so obsessed with pointing out where her cellulite was. Like, what??? Also the first sex scene? Oh my God, I laughed. Guffawed. The so-called love interest literally asked: “Are we going to have sex now?” And then they just did. It was so bad. Also there was a dog? Who went everywhere with the so-called love interest. And they just never explained that? I thought it was going to be part of some crushing and depressing backstory. Nah, he was just there.

HOLY SHIT THIS WAS SO DUMB I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS WAS A BOOK! A BOOK MEANT FOR YOUNG ADULTS! WHAT IS YOUNG ADULT???

The Queen’s Secret by Melissa de la Cruz

Lilac's birthright makes her the Queen of Renovia, and a forced marriage made her the Queen of Montrice. But being a ruler does not mean making the rules. For Lilac, taking the throne means giving up the opportunity to be with love of her life, the kingdom's assassin, Caledon Holt. Worse, Cale is forced to leave the castle when a horrific set of magical attacks threatens Lilac's sovereignty. Now Cal eand Lilac will have to battle dark forces separately, even though being together is the only thing that's ever saved them.

— Remember last month when I was like: can’t wait for my hold to come through on this sequel so I know what happens? What an idiot. THIS BOOK WAS SO DUMB I CANNOT BELIEVE IT WAS A BOOK. As always in my rage-induced rants, no apologies for spoilers because seriously do NOT read this, but Lilac (legit, that was her name) married some other dude but just kept fucking Cale??? Like she had a secret door? So he could come in and they could fuck?? I just—oh my God. So, all these things kept happening. Magic and bad stuff and horses were killed. Lilac’s mother was the absolute WORST. Honestly the most worthless character who at one point was like “well, my story is over, guess it’s time to leave,” and then just left?? Forced Lilac into a marriage of alliance and no love and then everything evil was defeated in point two four seconds. It happened so fast I wasn’t even sure it happened. So, then I’m like, ok, how are Lilac and Cale going to end up together? Because this is YA and that’s how it’s supposed to work. Only her being married and that marriage requiring an heir is something of a rather large hurdle. Don’t worry! Remember when Lilac and Cale were fucking? Everyone totally knew. Including the king Lilac is married to. Who is somehow like...ok with this? And tells Cale that Lilac is pregnant. ISN’T THAT WONDERFUL! Sure, because now they can lie and claim its the king’s heir. ONLY IT’S CALE’S KID! AND CALE IS COOL WITH THIS! His entire internal monologue during this is about how he realizes he might not ever be able to tell his kid he’s their father, but he’ll be around and that’s good. Wait, what??? But there’s more! Not only is Lilac having Cale’s kid, but the king she’s married to is in love with one of Cale’s spy associates. So the king and the spy are going to go hang out (and presumably have their own kids) at one castle and Lilac and Cale are going to go to another. Lilac and the king never get divorced or annulled or whatever. Everyone stays as is and married as is and—they all live happily ever after? This was presented as a good ending, I swear. What the shit, guys, seriously.

#book rec #book reccs #fantasy recommendations #rom com recs #laura reads books #i am still waiting for people to respond to my emails #and only vaguely stressed out about it #welllp these are books

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thebestpersonherelovesbucky · 4 years

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Some of you might remember about two months ago when I needed to vent about my horrible bitch face cousin, Barbara.

Well.

I need to vent again.

Yesterday was my aunt’s funeral/memorial. It was an extremely emotional day. Top off with a lovely serving of “are you fucking kidding me?”.

Let’s start off with our arrival at the church. On the positive side, despite the pandemic, there was an overwhelming turnout. So many people loved this woman.

The first person we’re greeted by is Barbara’s brother; let’s call him Paschall. I haven’t seen him in several years. I could be mad about that, but I’m not cause he’s sort of just an airhead who means well and has admitted that it was wrong that no one ever came to help us with our grandmother. We hug. I hold him as he starts to cry.

Next, I see Barbara’s older sister ((the oldest of the three)) who we’ll call Rachel. Rachel hugs me and tells me she loves my hair ((it’s currently violet)).

This is all in the lobby of the church where there are poster boards with pictures of my aunt. We’ll...get back to those.

Finally, we meet up with Barbara.

This is the first time we have any interaction with her since my first venting post about the situation. But the day was not about her ((or so we thought)) and we approach her with kindness and sympathy, which she receives the way any nice person might. We hug. She tells us that we should sit up in the front bc we’re family. ((very kind of her, right?))

But we go and up in front of the altar, where the urn would be placed, were more pictures. One of just my aunt. One of her and my uncle’s wedding. And one of her and Barbara. JUST HER AND BARBARA. Not a picture of her and all three of her children. Just her and Barbara.

The mass starts ((Catholic)) and the procession is made up of Paschall, one of Barbara’s sons...and her fucking husband.

Now, I don’t want to just to conclusions. I think to myself, well, maybe they asked Dad if he would be part of it and he was too upset to do it. But...nope. No, no. Barbara, who basically took over and in my uncle’s grief, took advantage and just made everything to her specifications, had her son and her husband over my aunt’s fucking brother in the service.

For those of you not familiar with a Catholic Mass/funeral, it typically involves 3 people giving readings (the first reading from the Old Testament, a psalm, the second reading from the New Testament), the Priest reading a passage from the Gospel and He then gives His homily/sermon. The first three readings, in a service such as this, are usually done by members of the deceased family. The surviving family members ask someone to read and it’s actually an honor to be asked.

The people who read were a niece from my uncle’s side of the family, a friend of their family, and a nephew from my uncle’s side of the family.

I am 100% not saying that my uncle’s side of their family is any less part of her family than ours, but...my siblings and I are her brother’s children. I’m her goddaughter. We weren’t asked to do anything.

And my youngest sister is an accomplished singer. She’s sung as baseball games and other events. We thought the young girl singing in church just happened to sing at the church.

Nope.

No, she was the daughter of Barbara’s friend.

During the Priest’s sermon, he never mentioned our side of the family once. Obviously, this is not his fault if he was not made aware of us, but he kept referring to my aunt as a wife, a mother, and a friend. She was my father’s sister. And her mother is still alive, albeit sick with dementia and in a nursing home and doesn’t even know any of us anymore, and we’re still trying to heal from caretaker burnout but...never mentioned her.

Because of social distancing, we were sitting behind my parents and I could see how my father was visibly hurt more and more as the service went on.

And just guess who gave the Eulogy? Go on! Guess! I bet you only need one try!

BARBARA!!!

And she continued to make it ALL.ABOUT.HER. She barely mentioned her siblings, she talked about her husband and her children, and she couldn’t even be bothered to mention my father by name the one time she said anything about him. Which was, and I quote “she spent time in the summers with her brother.”

As if they didn’t grow up together. As if ((until Barbara changed all our traditions)) we didn’t spend holidays together. As if he was just this one-off side character in her life.

It should go without saying that the rest of us weren’t mentioned either.

But! She was kind enough to mention our grandmother and basically said that if she wasn’t in a nursing home now, that she’d’ve been there with us. Like...

No, Barbara, she has dementia. She’s in a place where she’s safe. And this may come as a surprise to you, but actually trying to take care of someone with a disease like that isn’t fucking easy. But see, she wouldn’t know, bc she only helped with her own mother for maybe an hour or two at a time and only if my uncle took her kids ((I won’t sell her completely short, she did help once she was in a home. Very convenient, right?)) and she never helped with my grandmother save for the one time she came to do her hair. As a hairdresser, you’d think she’d’ve come to help with her hair so that we didn’t need to, huh? Of course, not.

The whole time she was delivering her Eulogy, Rachel didn’t even look up. Not once. She was pissed. In fact, when Barbara finished, Paschall got up to hug her, Rachel did not move. Not until Barbara actually came into the pew for one. Telling. Very telling.

Anyway, the service ends and remember those pictures in the front of the church I mentioned earlier?

Now we get a chance to really look at them.

My aunt’s life clearly did not start until Barbara was born.

One picture with her and my dad. Two pictures with her and our grandmother. Zero pictures of her and our grandfather. None when she was a little girl. A few with her other kids. Her and my uncle. TONS with Barbara and her children. And...a whole lot with her and Barbara’s IN-LAWS.

I just...

And it’s not like she didn’t have pictures to use. WE sent her a whole bunch! Before the first round of bullshit!! Us being kind and trying to send her memories of her and her mother and it was like we didn’t fucking exist.

And that, guys, gals, and nb pals, is how to make someone else’s funeral all about you.

Oh, PS:

She also said to my brother “I wish I could go see grandma and do her hair for her. I hate that I can’t.”

My brother, to us, was like “Thanks, Barbara, where’ve you been the last half a decade???”

#my stuff #and that's the end of my rant #long post #jfc #i can't even with this bitch #i felt so bad for my dad #like bc you're MAD at him for not letting you facetime with your grandmother who has DEMENTIA #and won't understand wtf is going on #you exclude him from his own sister's funeral?#ugh #just...fucking hell #anyway #yeah #that's it #sorry #stfubucks

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geneclarksboobs · 4 years

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The Great Peter Infodump of March 2020

yo @brackets-and-woolly-hats @mijaco-geo and @mike-nesmith-for-mayor I have recently been informed that yall would really like me to infodump about Peter and I want to thank yall because I think if I held it in any longer I would explode

Also thanks to the coolcherrycream articles and various interviews that I learnt all these from in the 5-ish months I’ve been thinking about the monkees for

But before I start going hnngggg Peter I would like to warn you that despite my tone this is going to contain some heavy stuff. We’re talking brief mentions of blood, and suicide and death so be careful about that

This is gonna get hella long so *cracks knuckles* let’s begin

Childhood

let’s start from the very beginning: a very good place to start

Friday, 13th February one bb was born and he would always say that Friday the 13th was a lucky day for years onwards

He was born with a lot of diversity in his parentage

He’s Irish and German-Jewish on his mother’s side and Norwegian on his dad’s side

Speaking of Jewishness (is that a word???) I rememeber an article saying that he used to randomly say Hebrew words in interviews and I think he taught Mike how to say something too?? I dont know

Peter was a very friendly boy even when he was just a toddler cus he would drag any new friend he had home

Anyway, he was born in Washington DC

Once on Christmas he went missing and his mum and grams panicked and looked all over the house for him

Turns out he was just waiting at lampost in the snow because he wanted to make sure that Santa would bring him a present

Speaking of Grams, when he was 3 (i think im doing this from memory) he was at a post office with his mother when she came in.

He got uber excited and shouted “THAT’S MY GRAMS. HER NAME IS CAIT!”

And so everyone turned to look at her and he squealed

He would also often ride on the top part double deck buses and whenever the bus slowed down, he would wave to nearby people and say “HI MY NAME’S PETER WHAT’S YOUR?” to which those people who wave back and sometimes answer him. I mean, wouldn’t you?

Also he started to play with pianos when he was 3 and also he liked dancing so that’s cute

One of his first memories was of being at the hospital where his brother Nick (who they called Nicky and that’s what I’m going to call him) was born

Soon after Nicky was born they moved to Germany Yeet. He was 4 and the time and Nicky was like 18 months or smth

Germany

Right so I dont know why people dont talk about this part of his childhood because like,,,it’s interesting??

In Germany they had two maids

They had to put sugar in every food so that Peter and Nicky would actually eat the strange German food

He became very fluent in German and would help his mother with translations

He was also fluent in French for some reason

Someone made a statue of his 4 year old head and it became a famous minor art piece that featured in calendars

It probably now sits in his house because I saw in in the background of the short documentary that his son, Ivan Ivanoli made about him which you sould check btw

Anyway, when Peter was 5 he made his first official best friend Ule who was two years older than him

Once when he was playing hide and seek with Nicky he ran at full force at a closed glass door that he thought was open, shattering it, and getting a shard into his arm. Reasonably he screamed

Apparently, he was hurt a major artery and would have bled to death if not for someone being in the house to call a doctor

Once he was out and about wandering around, as you would do if you were Peter when he was stopped by some official looking guy from going back into his own house.

It’s important to note that Peter looked very much like a German boy and would ONLY talk in German outside. God knows why he did this. Reasonably, the dude thought he was lying and he had to call for his mum

Anyway, in Germany school starts when you’re five but his birthday was in the middle of the school year so his parents sent him in early which set him up for some outcasted child syndrome later

And then the moved back to America yeet

AMERICA (LAND OF CAPITALISM)

So he moved back into America but it didn’t stop there. No. They had to move around like a 100 different times and as someone who went to a total of 4 different schools (so far oh no) that sets you up with outcasted child syndrome. What also sets you up with outcasted child syndrome is if you’re an undiagnosed neurodivergent which Peter seemed to think he was when he was in his 50s (either ADHD or autism) so uhh keep that in mind

So he was in school and as mentioned earlier he was a year younger than his peers so that’s fun

He was very very clever. Often he would finish his work first and his (4th grade) teacher would make do some reading or creative writing. She encouraged him to do creative writing because she saw some talent in there

Not only was he acadmically gifted, but he was also musically gifted. Playing not only the piano (which he got lessons for) but also the guitar, the banjo, the bass, and the french horn which he got an award for when he was in highschool playing in a band made out of college students for some reason

Speaking of awards, he was once given an award for maths

This giftedness would later set him up for Gifted Child Burnout he had in college

Also he changed schools like a total of 13 times so that’s fun

He went to a private school but apparentl, according to his parents, he hated it (but he remembered liking it???)

Also, he made a lot of jokes in class

Remember Nicky? Yeah, Nicky would often write songs for him to sing and stuff (Nicky would later write songs for Peter’s solo album and a bunch of other stuff what a great brother we stan)

The family had some kind of barn once where he would do puppet shows his siblings

Anyway, school life was all fine and dandy until 5th grade hit and he changed schools and everyone lost interest in him because he was one year younger

Also his dad was apparently very disconnected with him. Needless to say, Peter felt like his father didn’t like him

Once when he was 9, he told his father that he noticed that when the clouds were around at night, it would be warmer during the day to which his father shouted at him saying that “he has no proof of that” and that he shouldn’t say anything without proof

This of course led him to feel like no one wanted to listen to what he wanted to say

poor baby

I think his father would have been the reason why Peter would later say in an interview that he hated “loud abusiveness” the most

He would also later say that a combination of his dad and feeling like he was weird and different would lead him to his drinking problem

So umm we dont stan his dad ok

Once when he was 13 he picked up a loaded shotgun and put it against his head. But he decided that he didn’t want to do it at the last second.

Overall, life from 5th grade till highschool was terrible for him

He didn’t have any friends in his school

So when he moved to a new school in Conneticut where he was surrounded with people of the same age, he was really happy all the way until college where he flunked out twice

Hippie Time (Honestly this part is just me talking about him and Stephen Stills because Steter Stirk changed me)

And so Peter became a hippie in Greenwich Village

In the Village, he became a sort of entertainer. Not just singing and playing, he was also a comedian.

And then he kept hearing about this dude who looked like him from other people.

This dude turned out to be Stephen who was also hearing the same kind of talk for about the same amount of time

Pete and Stephen VIBED im not kidding they started to play with each other and also Stephen’s room mate who was also there

Also it turns out that they liked to talk about the same things so that’s neat

Peter went to Venuzuela apparently and when he came back the Monkee thing happened yeet

Once when Stephen was waiting to move into his new house Peter was all like “hey dude live with me”

For a while they also lived in the same house when he was Monkee and if that doesn’t fuel any ship fics I dont know what will

Im serious the ship is here and its real I saw fics and fanart

Dont ask about Stirk

They played with the colour tv and would “pick apart each other’s brains” umm

Also Peter’s favourite band was buffalo springfield and we stan a friend who would say your band was their favourite band

And I think this is where my knowledge starts to fade because I haven’t really heard any cool facts from here on afterwards

Last Final Cool Facts

He was a teacher for quite a while and taught about Maths, basketball (despite not liking any sport except swimming) and Easter Philosophy,,,yes easter philosphy the man was into that kinda stuff

Also he was a big reader. Always having a smoll book in his pocket that he would read while on set with the Monkees. But he was particularly a non fic kinda guy

He would write poetry on the back of scripts

In the 2000s he said that his sister thought he might have ADD

Also autism but when asked about it he’d be all P E R H A P S

which is very unhelpful Peter pls give us a straight answer

I mean he cant give us straight answers because he was the gayest monkee (he fricked a dude once but he didn’t like it)

Hey look I ended on a gay note yeet. Thanks for reading this mess

#the monkees #peter tork #blood tw #death ment tw #suicide tw #i think that's all the tws #im finally free of this knowlege #i feel so good #just wait till i come back with a truck of knowledge in 5 months

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ghostsofmemories · 4 years

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Ocean in the Woods - Update #2

So, if you missed the first update or want a quick refresher (because it’s been over 3 months... wow), here’s the first update, which has a link to the WIP intro if you want to check that out.

Progress has been very slow, but hopefully now that I’m not in such a rut with a million things to do, it’ll move a little bit faster (no promises, though).

So basically, chapters 2, 3, and 4 are complete and I’ve worked my way up to 10k. It’s a little disappointing considering my original goal was 20k by the end of June and we’re already a few days into July and I only got halfway there, but I already knew that goal wasn’t realistic.

Chapter 2 is called Side Affects of Burnout and is sort of a bonding chapter between Arthur and his younger brother, Aiden. I like this chapter well enough, but I think I put this too early in the story and didn’t do enough to drive home the fact that Aiden and Arthur have a strained relationship before having them bond. However, I’m not all that worried about fixing that because no one is ever going to read this book. I was considering putting it on Wattpad in the beginning, but I’m actually perfectly content with, uh, not doing that.

With that said, here are some fun little excerpts from Side Affects of Burnout, featuring Lance’s intro to the plot (not very many of the excerpts are well-written, I kind of gave up on editing as I went a couple weeks ago and have some passes to do before I keep going):

I had Lance in my first period, and I knew he wouldn’t notice that something was off with me. Usually, he was pretty oblivious to the rest of the world (in a very well-intentioned way) unless someone told him something was going on. He was the odd one out in our group of friends: the only one who checked the typical boxes. Cis, straight, and white. The rest of us were oddballs in school, but Lance was the oddball in our hearts.

He was folding paper airplanes out of post-it notes when I walked into the classroom. His hair was sandy blonde, uncombed, and he was wearing cargo shorts with a Darth Vader t-shirt. I was almost positive he had seen a maximum of two Star Wars movies.

“Hey,” he said, “what’s up?”

“The usual,” I said. “Sky. Clouds. Trees.” I sat in my chair next to him. Mr. Nelson didn’t assign seats, but everyone always sat in the same place. We were drawn to routine.

“That’s good,” he said, nodding, “if the sky is still up, then the world’s doing alright.”

I started out the story with Lance being somewhat of a comic relief, but I think I’m already beginning to feel some tension building up in regards to everyone labeling him as oblivious and stupid. He’s really sweet and I think he notices a lot, but just doesn’t say much about it. Here’s another section where everyone quips at Lance for being a himbo:

“Afternoon, lady and gent,” he said, sitting across from Maya and nodding at each of us respectively.

“It’s actually 11:30am,” Maya said, stealing another fry from my plate. “Labels and time in general are useless if you refuse to use them correctly.”

“Smartass,” Lance said through a bite of his sandwich. “I was just trying to be nice.”

“And I was just trying to spare you the humiliation of realizing you were wrong on your own,” she said. She started bouncing her leg after she was done stealing my fries, not knowing how to do nothing.

“He wouldn’t’ve realized on his own, Maya,” Ollie said, setting their tray down across the table from mine. “He doesn’t wear a watch or check the time.”

Vanessa, as usual, wasn’t far behind. “Lance, can you even read the time?” She was joking, of course. We always joked with Lance that way.

“Of course I can,” he said, sitting up straighter, “I just choose not to.”

And now, some of the Big Sad with Aiden and Arthur:

But the silence wasn’t horrible. I didn’t ask him to give back the water bottle I’d handed him, and I didn’t ask him why he’d been crying, and I didn’t ask him how he was tired enough to fall asleep sitting up (I also didn’t ask him to move when his head ended up on my shoulder). I wanted to be a good brother. I didn’t always need to know the details.

I love them so much and I’m kind of desperate to explore their relationship more, but so far all this book is teaching me is that I do not know how to manage all these subplots alongside the major plot of killing a monster. I’m pretty sure this’ll be the last fantasy book I ever write. Here’s a snippet of a one-sided conversation while the boys are waiting for water to boil so they can make mac n cheese.

“Hey, you can talk to me,” I said, trying to be gentle and quiet without letting my voice get pitchy. He didn’t look up, but he nodded again, his face lost in his sweater sleeves.

It was different, seeing him like this. I was so used to the Aiden that was always either smiling or sarcastic. I probably hadn’t seen him sad since he was a little kid, scraping his knees on the driveway and losing the watch he got for Christmas. He would breathe fast and panicky back then, when something went wrong. Now his breathing was slow and controlled, albeit shaky.

So yeah. At the end of this chapter, Aiden sees a girl out the window (who is Ocean, but he doesn’t know it yet) and he goes to talk to her and bring her water, and we move on to Chapter 3: River Runner. In which Ocean basically guilt trips Arthur into helping her fight the monster she brought there.

“I wasn’t mad about you not understanding my problems,” she said, standing up to follow me. I ignored her and kept walking. “I was mad at you for just sitting there and not knowing what to do besides ask stupid questions. I’m mad because you know there’s something wrong and you don’t care.”

“Why should I care?” I asked, walking faster. She would follow me all the way back to my house if she wanted to. “I don’t even know what’s going on. I don’t know you and I don’t care, so handle this on your own.”

“I don’t know how to do it on my own!” she shouted, cutting around a tree and walking beside me. “I don’t exactly dedicate my life to putting myself in danger and fighting evil creatures and saving the world.”

“So why do you expect me to do it at a ten minute’s notice?”

“You’re impossible.”

“All of this,” I said between my teeth, stopping in my tracks and closing my eyes, “is impossible. You—I was never supposed to meet you. This wasn’t supposed to happen to me.”

“Well it did. And there’s no taking it back now,” she said, stepping toward me. I opened my eyes, then. She was right about my height, maybe a little bit taller than me. “There is no supposed to. There’s only did and didn’t, do and don’t. And you have to decide which one you’re going with, because there is a right answer. And if you choose the wrong one, I’ll find someone else. You’ll be the boy who did nothing.”

I didn’t like how she could twist words and use them to make me do things. I didn’t want to help, but I didn’t want to do nothing.

“Fine, then.”

Pretty much all of River Runner is these two idiots yelling at each other, minus the part where Ocean is trying to open a portal. I won’t be putting an excerpt of that because it’s still extremely messy and that scene needs to be rewritten.

I only just started Chapter 5: Her and the Sun, but I’m liking it so far. There’s a lot of Maya in this chapter, including another mini description of her. Maya might be my favorite character in the book, honestly. I’ll leave it to Arthur to explain why.

She was crazy in the best way a person can be, I think. Where my mom would call me a little over the place, Maya would be in a thousand places at once. She was everything and everywhere and she could be everyone, too, if she could be.

For almost as long as I could remember, Maya and I were partners in crime. She led us into dozens of disasters and got us out of each one, too. Like when she helped me shave my head after I told her I was trans (but before I told anyone else) and told my parents there was a huge wad of gum in my hair.

“Trust me,” she told my dad, fourteen with huge eyes and hair that could compete in size with anyone else’s in the neighborhood, “my sister tried to fix it and this is a huge improvement.”

Maya’s sister is a hairdresser, at the time, but she had no idea what we were up to. Maya was just so convincing that no one bothered to check in with anyone else.

So, that’s pretty much it. Not my greatest writing, but at this point any words are good words, you know?

Click here to buy cool stuff my friend and I designed, where 100% of the profits go to the Black Lives Matter organization!

Click here to read my most recent poem

Taglist (send an ask/message if you’d like to be added): @brooklyn-etc @coffeeandcalligraphy @my-lifes-one-big-critical-fail @kozyisa-tries-to-write

#ocean in the woods #writing update #my writing #oitw #ocean #arthur benz #aiden benz #august is writing #excerpt #writing excerpt #my novel #writeblr

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comicteaparty · 4 years

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June 27th-July 3rd, 2020 Creator Babble Archive

The archive for the Creator Babble chat that occurred from June 27th, 2020 to July 3rd, 2020. The chat focused on the following question:

If you could do your webcomic for a living, how would that change things in regards to how you work on it (if at all)?

Deo101 [Millennium]

I'd definitely put out more content, cause I could focus on it fully every day of the week.

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

i would probably start hating it and get burnt out

Deo101 [Millennium]

thats why I would also have to start another comic or do short stories on the side or something, too.

I would probably keep individual comics update schedules the same, I'd just do more comics

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

If it became a part-time job, I don't think anything would change. It kind of feels like that already. If I were in a position where it became a full-time job, I do dread how my relationship with the work would change. I don't think I could ever make as much doing comics as I do in my day job (which isn't crazy, but is comfortable) so I don't know if I could ever 100% transition unless it was really, really worth it It's something I've thought about a lot, for sure.

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

In a way, my comic is my full-time job? I don't make very much money with it, but I do put over 40 hours a week into it, and I don't have another job. I am in the very fortunate position of having an SO who is able to support me financially while I try to get my footing with my passion. If I was depending on it for a paycheck though, the main thing that would change is my style would probably get simpler, because there is no way I can make enough pages a week otherwise.

Holmeaa - working on WAYFINDERS

It is really the dream to be able to do it! Right now I am unemployed, so I basically treat the comic as my fulltime job, until I find the next short project. I want to be able to work on it full time! In Denmark there are some cool possibilities to get funding from the government and I hope we can get enrolled with some of those programs with our comic.

I would also just love to do small videos, podcasts, animations etc. Small fun projects

Mitzi (Trophallaxis)

If I had to do it full time, I think i'd put a LOT more hours into learning how to paint, watching speedpaints, ect. It'd also make a huge difference in my living situation, as the first thing I'd honestly do with a full time at-home job is move to another city with cheaper rent. Another state, maybe! Oh, and I'd do a lot more promo work. posters and animations are fun, but they're not quite worth it with an audience consisting of two my writing partner's friends, and my older brother.

Shizamura 🌟 O Sarilho

the biggest difference, I suppose, would be that I would make a lot more pages, a lot faster. But I like it that it's been pointed that the relationship with work changes when you have to do things full time, so there may be some unpredictable variables there

eliushi [Keyspace]

For a living for me can mean many different things: able to sustain living expenses vs full-time. There’s overlap but one gives financial security meaning an element of creative freedom. The opposite end will probably entail working on other comic projects with the current one as a passion story on the side (no change but probably might not want to draw so much after drawing for work!) If we’re discussing the ability to do the webcomic full time without financial worries then I do believe my output will increase but also I will be dedicating more time to the craft (studying story structures, art directions etc) as well as marketing/joining professional associations/pitching/connections. There are a lot of career options within the comic world and I’d love to explore everything before deciding what’s best for the current story. Ultimately if I were to do this as a living, I’d treat it like any other job: a routine, a strive for improvement, and wellness to recharge. I follow several artists not only for their art but also their schedule/workflow to see what worked for others. It’s very interesting!

In reality though, I might work on smaller scale projects on the side to build up the experience and platform needed to tell the story of Keyspace. As a full time comic creator, I’ll be seriously thinking to covert the seven novel series into a hug comic project. So TL;DR if full time, I make more pages

varethane

I'm in an odd place with my comic because.... well, I sort of had an opportunity to spend all of my time on it for a few months, when I was in between contracts at work. But I found that I wasnt getting it done all that much faster than I did when also working full time

To be fair, it's kind of hard to compare my speed between the three periods, because when I returned to work after a few months away, it was after work from home had started and now I no longer have a commute, so perhaps my ability to squeeze comic pages into my free time has expanded.... but I feel like my attention span caps out around 8 hours on any single task

So I didnt work that much faster. But... I'm also bad at keeping track. I could be wrong.

Yung Skrimp (Carefree)

8 hours is a long attention span

varethane

It's not all in one go, haha.

eliushi [Keyspace]

I definitely have to take breaks between pages, whether or not I have just a few minutes to a chunk of hours

It’s about finding a balance that works for you!

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I don't think I could put more hours daily into my comic than I currently do. I have a chronic issue with my drawing shoulder, so my body won't be able to handle that much work. Probably wouldn't be great for my eyes, either. I also don't know if I want my livelihood to depend on how many people like my story. This story is a pair of custom-tailored skinny jeans for my heart (and I have an unusual body type, making it impossible to wear skinny jeans regardless of size). It's a story I want to read. It's meant to fit ME. I don't want to worry about how to also make it fit a bunch of other people.

That being said, some people do find themselves in a situation where they're making something they want to read, and a bunch of other people just happen to like it, too. I think that would be nice

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

I physically can‘t draw for more than four, five hours a day, found that out the hard wayy

eliushi [Keyspace]

I most recently developed pain likely due to RSI and have made accommodations since then but yeah it was scary to think that I have a limit in drawing time. Gotta find ways to take care of yourself for the long run

cAPSLOCK (Tailslide)

I think if comics were my only job, I'd feel a lot more anxious about what I create, and would struggle to work consistently. Having another pursuit makes me feel like I have more freedom to experiment, learn, and make what I want to make.

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

That's a really good point keii

Would drawing a comic for a living push me to change it to have more mass appeal?

I don't know but it is definitely possible and would be on my mind

Joichi [Hybrid Dolls]

It is the dream, if I could get a decent monthly wage on my comic, yes I will dedicate more time, work out a better schedule. Get an editor and colourist on board to help make a polished series. Altho I'm still doing this method to build good working habits But I agree with Eli's point, have to assign days for breaks for myself to prevent RSI. At present I have a trained mindset to work on schedules, but I may feel the pressure to produce as fast as I could.(edited)

Desnik

Well, for starters, my comic would actually be released somewhere, so it'd be nice if it made something back for me

Miranda

I’d actually release it. And work on it regularly, instead of sporadically like I have been! I’d definitely be more critical of what I was doing, and probably way more anxious every time I posted.

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

You know, when I was only like 6 years old, I was like "I don't want to be an artist when I grow up. I love art too much, and I don't want to burn out and stop enjoying it. So I'm gonna be a singer instead." I have no idea how 6-year-old me knew about burnout, but I definitely remember saying that in response to an adult asking something like "what do you wanna be when you grow up"/ "wow, you're drawing all the time; do you want to become an artist?"

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

The more I do comics the more I think I want to do art stuff as part of my main career. I would love to make sequential art that's for science purposes

sagaholmgaard

Ah that would be the dream! I'd probably feel more secure in my ability to build up a backlog of pages, and be able to make more extra content for the PDF version! And more content for instagram and twitter as well

kayotics

If I were to be able to do comics full time I think it would completely change my current lifestyle. Not even money wise but I’d need to switch up a lot of things. Like make sure I get a good amount of exercise in. I’d probably add in another page a week, but then use the rest of my week to project manage the comic, and promote my work. I’d spend a lot of other time working on creating an online store, because I can’t see the comic working full time without some supplemental merch keeping me afloat. And I’d also use that time to create and work on another comic series I think.

Yung Skrimp (Carefree)

If I were to do comics full time I’d flex on everyone I know

Feather J. Fern

If I was able to do comics full time, be able to pay off debts, substain rent and food, and extra saved for small spluges, I will shove my comic in my family's face(I got a family who doesn't believe in me at all), dancing around screaming "I MADE IT IN LIFE" And then jump out the window because haha this can't be a reality because I don't think I will ever make it in comics. I will still keep my other job of working at a library and drawing on the side becuase I want working job insurance and also I am the type who wants to save all their money if possible(edited)

eliushi [Keyspace]

I was on board until jumping out the window

Yung Skrimp (Carefree)

I wasn't on board until jumping out the window

Now I am

Moral_Gutpunch

If I could do this for a living, I could do so much. I could afford to put my mother ina home, start my dream farm and start a bunch of conservation as well, I could help my husband fund his own sidegig, and I could afford to foster pets like I always wanted.

shadowhood {SunnyxRain}

Personally, if I was able to do it I would be a lot more invested in it. I would also make a lot less excuses as to why I'm not practicing as much; it took a pandemic to happen for me to dry taking it more seriously!

I think overall I might have been more happy.

On the other hand, there's also the danger of burnout, of constantly doing the same thing over and over again for me. I'm the type that needs constant change, so I think I'm more suited to having another occupation be my main profession while comics/art would be a secondary one, where I don't have as much pressure. Furthermore, it's also my backup plan in case anything happens to my main job.

Moral_Gutpunch

^ This. I'd be focusing so much more on comics. And I'd be expanding into more comics and writing more stories. I'd be happier I'm writing more, but more frustrated at writers block

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

Man if I could do it full time, might be able to pull more page updates and actually get deep into doing some long term projects I had planned for years. I won't have much of an issue as long i can also do my zine projects on the side. also would be nice to have some job insurance too along with it lmao. the only danger that could take it away if I get incapacitated for no reason lmao

TaliePlume

If I could do comics as my full time job would be awesome! But all that focus would go only to the comic and nothing else which is bad because I would be neglecting a lot of things and not getting other things done.

AntiBunny

I'd finally be able to tell my whole story and start telling another. It drives me crazy that I have more ideas than I can pursue.

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

In terms of my actual production, I'm not sure doing my comic as a living would change much lol. I already spend upwards of 40 hours a week on it, I seriously doubt there's more I could be doing. So, earning a living off my comic would just be... one less thing to worry about.

#ctparchive #comics #webcomics #indie comics #comic chat #comic discussion #comic tea party #ctp #creator interview #comic creator interview #creator babble

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theglowstickchronicles · 4 years

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Guys, I was HELLA behind on FMLS90- but I'm still in it! Just caught up :) while I was waiting for the grocery store to open. Now I am off with my reusable bags to get my food for the week before coming home and continuing chores. I want to get as much done as possible before FOOTBALL starts!!! We're playing Kansas City at 4:25 today (@fatmaninalittlesuit I'm sure you'll be watching this game as well!) and I am SO NERVOUS. We have been... trash, lately. Last week's game was atrocious. I wish I had planned better and tried to go to the game, even though it would probably be crazy expensive and super cold, because my football buddies are in California on a mini vacation (their 3rd this season compared to my 0) and I only have local cable at home.

Anyway, here it is:

• 11/18 - How does holiday food play a role in your fitness journey? Do you have any positive or negative traditions that impact your journey? Share one of both.

Well, this was probably supposed to be about Thanksgiving feasts but here we are on December 8th! Honestly, we don’t really have any “traditions” beyond getting together and sharing a meal. In hindsight this Thanksgiving was probably my best, calorie-wise, because my brother-in-law’s sister did most of the cooking and did a lot of sides with bacon incorporated into them and, since I’m vegetarian, I did not partake. I had some DELICIOUS food, don’t get me wrong, and she made a to-die-for caprese salad… but most of the apps had bacon and several of the sides. I ended up having cheese and crackers, french onion tartlets (SOOO GOOD), chips & dip, mashed potatoes, and a plethora of vegetable sides. It also helped that I had to work overnight Thursday into Friday so I couldn’t have any wine 

• 11/19 - How does holiday stress play a role in your fitness journey? Do you have any especially stressful situations that make your physical or mental journey tough? How do / will you handle them?

Holidays don’t really stress me out, if we’re being honest. As of Dec. 6 I just need to pick up some alcohol and then some giftcards for my cousin’s kids, and I’m done Christmas shopping. I start my shopping November 1 every year. I don’t mind seeing my family -they’re dramatic, just like everyone else, but compared to my job? A few hours of family drama time is nothing. I do tend to hoard a bottle of wine to myself for the holidays but I’m not sober during non-holiday times, either, so that doesn’t really come into play.

• 11/20 - What role do family and friends play in your holidays? Are these mostly positive or negative? What do you want to change about this?

Mostly positives! I hosted my second annual Friendsgiving this year and it was fantastic. The one downside was I had been up for 44 hours but I think it went well. Honestly the only “downside” to friends/family during holidays is having to be in such close quarters with people because as much as I love them, someone inevitably has germs.

• 11/21 - Do you notice and physical / mental changes around this time of year? Do you have any strategies to deal with them?

I am always a sleepy bitch, but more so during the winter months due to the lack of sun. This M-F, not getting home till 5-6 every night, office has no window life is bullshit. We always jokes that nightshift never sees the sun but dude, until you’ve gone 5 days without sunlight, don’t even @ me. I am extra careful about taking my vitamins during this time of the year because I really do notice a difference in energy and mood without them (I have some vitamin deficiencies NOT related to my diet thank you).

• 11/22 - How do work / school commitments / events this time of year differ for you? Can this be used to your advantage in your fitness journey or are there steps you can take to minimize the challenges?

In the fall we have annual mandatory education at work which can be stressful but other than that, work does not change. This year was a little different because I picked up a second job and had orientation and have been working a lot to save up money for my many endeavors over the next 2 years (sister’s bridal shower / bachelorette /wedding, best friend’s bridal shower / bachelorette / wedding, everyone is turning 30 and wants to go all out -me included- wanting to go on more vacations, wanting to do a 29th birthday somethingl… the list is endless…. Lol)

• 11/23 - Do you have any plans to travel this year? If so, describe the challenges that creates and how you will handle them. If not, what can you do at home to set yourself up for success?

One semi-definite plan is my sister’s bachelorette in 2020! I don’t know when or where we’re going, but we’re going- which reminds me, I need to get my passport in case it ends up being Canada! I also would like to do a small trip for my 29th birthday. Originally I wanted to take a week off (I am close to vacation time caps at work) but we are OF COURSE having a new system go-live 6 days after my birthday and I’m like, top 5 most important people for the go-live. So we shall see. Perhaps a 3-day weekend for president’s day somewhere close?

• 11/24 - Share one tip with the community on how to stay healthy during the holidays.

I feel like any time I have to share a tip with the community I share the same one, but there it is: PREPARATION. For instance I have not meal prepped in 3 weeks and IT SHOWS. I’ve been feeling sluggish and gross, not working out like I should be, and not sleeping as well…. PREPARATION IS KEY!!!

• 11/25 - What are your general thoughts on gratitude and the role it plays in your mental health and happiness?

Being in healthcare puts a new perspective on gratitude. I’m answering this hella late so it’s not actually 11/25 and is several weeks post-Thanksgiving, but… yesterday I watched a daughter unexpectedly lose her mother in the worst possible way. She walked into the room and almost immediately told us to stop doing CPR. I am grateful for my family being here and healthy, I am grateful for my fellow healthcare providers, and I am grateful that this strong woman who was having the worst day of her life wanted one thing for her mother in the last moments of her life: peace.

• 11/26 - What are some past experiences I am grateful for? How did they shape my life for the better?

I am grateful for growing up the way I did. I can’t say I wouldn’t change things but being raised by who I was shaped me into who I am. I’m grateful I wasn’t just handed things and was forced to work for them. I was probably not super appreciative at age 16 when I had to pay for my own car, but as an adult I am SO happy that I learned the lesson of working hard.

• 11/27 - Who do I appreciate? Tell us about them and why you are grateful they are in your life.

Right now I am appreciating the nurse who took report from me last night! We’ll probably never meet again but thank you for listening to my rants, not judging my last-minute leaky IV (don’t worry, the patient had another one that worked fine), and for getting me out of there so quickly!

• 11/28 - It’s Thanksgiving Day in the U.S. Tell us what specifically you are Thankful for today.

On Thanksgiving I was grateful for friends, family, and awesome coworkers.

• 11/29 - What are some people / things I may be taking for granted? How can I better express my gratitude for these people / things in the future?

I sometimes take my dad especially for granted. I depend on him for things around the house that I don’t have the skills or knowledge to do, such as fix the deck or the running toilet or even hang things without punching a hole in the wall. In the future I want to express that I’d rather him teach me these things instead of just coming to do them.

• 11/30 - What are some future opportunities I have that I am grateful for?

Everyone’s wedding, and the Year of Turning 30 Extravaganza.

• 12/1 - Share one tip with the community on how to live life with at attitude of gratitude.

No one is grateful 100% of the time. I try to make it a point every day to think of what I have… friends, family, pets, house, car, food in my fridge, etc…. and remember that not everyone has those.

• 12/2 - Where are you on your personal mental health journey? What strengths and opportunities do you have?

The changing of the seasons, setting the clocks back, and the SNOW on December 1st took its toll. I am usually not a Christmas-decorations-the-day-after-Thanksgiving type of person, but this year that’s the day that worked for my family getting our trees (me, my dad, and my sister/brother in law all go together and my Dad drops the trees off with his pickup) so I decorated that weekend and began listening to Christmas music (Pentatonix, ayyyyy). It really HAS been a pick-me-up!!!

• 12/3 - What are some past experiences with mental heath work? What has worked well for you and what has not worked as well.

Personally? None. Professionally? Just what I give as a nurse.

• 12/4 - How is your mental health compared to a year ago? Are you remaining steady, improving or regressions? What do you need to do about it?

Well, this time last year I had been at my job for one day and had no idea what I was doing. Now I’ve been here for a year and know what I’m doing… 50% of the time? So my mental health has gotten better since I no longer feel like a fish out of water. It helps that I got a per diem at the bedside and have those opportunities to do direct patient care.

• 12/5 - How aware are you of your mental health? Are your your moods steady or do they ebb and flow? Are you aware when things are changing and do you have any experience / tips for heading off tough times?

Very aware of my mental health; you have to be, to survive in healthcare without getting serious burnout. I would say my moods ebb and flow, which isn’t abnormal. Tough times can be headed off by doing self care, and I don’t mean in the bath-bomb-face-mask type of way: do your laundry (and fold it straight out the dryer), wash the dishes, clean the house, meal prep… and maybe get a manicure.

• 12/6 - Have you noticed any patterns / cycles to your own mental health? Do the seasons, or specific holidays or other variables impact you in specific ways?

Not especially. Late fall / early winter tends to be hard due to the lack of sun, but I also have a vitamin D deficiency that for obvious reasons gets worse in the winter, and low vit D causes depressive symptoms.

• 12/7 - How are mental health and physical health connected? What are some of your experiences that show this in your life?

Well. In my personal and somewhat-work-related experience, being in poor physical health often has a negative impact on mental health. HOWEVER BEING IN POOR PHYSICAL HEALTH DOES NOT MEAN BEING OVERWEIGHT. Plenty of patients have normal BMIs and are in poor health, and plenty have BMIs that label them obese and are in good health. And being in good physical health does not mean you have good mental health. I guess what I want to say is that while they can influence one another, they are not directly correlated?

• 12/8 - Share one tip with the community about developing or maintaining your mental health.

Don’t let things pile up. And I mean that literally and figuratively. Clean your house and prep your food and for the love of God empty the trash from your car (no? just me?). But also… don’t dwell on things you cannot change, and don’t stew on things you can. Just do it. It will be worth the time, energy, and anxiety.

#fmls90 #fmls90 catch up

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donqwxx · 4 years

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Takeaways from JC and A’Levels

Hello! I am from Singapore and I just completed my GCE A’Levels. It was a tough ride and these are just some things I would like to share with students who are going through junior college (JC) or a similar education journey. No doubt Tumblr has a strong ‘studyblr’ community, but I realised that many A’levels related posts are generally from the UK, which may not always be applicable for JC kids. These are some things I wished I had someone tell me when I was going through JC and I really hope that you can relate to something from this and feel less alone in your journey!

1 Get a routine

I was never a planner and I always work on tasks based on its priority and my mood. But over the course of preparing for A’levels, I found it very helpful to establish a set routine every day, especially during the months leading up to A’levels after graduation. Routines are basically a series of regularly followed actions and I find that it helps me to feel in control of my time, and to power through the day and stay motivated. My routine consisted of me waking up at a fixed timing of 7am every day, doing simple workouts for 30 minutes, having my breakfast and a shower before starting my revision at about 9am. This morning routine became a ritual for me and made it easier to motivate myself to sit at my desk and get work done instead of falling into the temptation of lazing on my bed for 30 minutes more. Find what works for you and once you instill the self-discipline to keep it going for the first few weeks, it will eventually become much easier to stick to it eventually.

2 Don’t lose momentum!!

I believe that A’levels is similar to a marathon. Once you stop, it’s easy to lose your momentum and eventually your gears will turn rusty. In the months leading up to the A’levels, I had shifted my focus onto the subjects that I was weaker in and I paid less attention to Geography, which I felt I had generally mastered both the content and skills. And naturally, during the A’levels itself, I also spent more time on the subjects that were more imminent and neglected Geography, which was my last paper. Although I made sure to do at least 1 practice paper per week, I found myself unfamiliar with the content and trying to cram the heavy content in a few days was just too late. I felt that I underperformed for the paper as the content felt somewhat foreign to me, which was disappointing as I had worked so hard to master it before. Thus, it is extremely important to not neglect any of your subjects. Time is indeed tight, but it is important to continue to look through and revise the content of the subject regularly, no matter how confident you are in it. This is really important to not only keep your momentum but also boost your confidence for the paper! During our mock exams, my teacher told us that from our essays he could tell that some of us were losing our momentum already. This really shows how a loss in momentum can really show in your writing in the form of a lack of rigor, which highlights the importance of constantly revising and going through all of your subjects. I am not saying to not focus on the subjects you are weak in but to also make sure not to neglect any, even if it means just half an hour flipping through a particular set of notes. It is a difficult balancing act but try your best to do balance all your subjects and I believe it would really ensure you are at your best during the A’levels.

3 Don’t compare

I think this is the number 1 problem for many JC students, whether it is when we compare our grades or the opportunities we are awarded against our peers. In the fast-paced, competitive system, it is inevitable that we sometimes get trapped in these bouts of anxiousness that everyone seems to be doing so much better than we are. I clearly remember my first few Geography lectures and tutorials where I would just come out feeling so lost with so many question marks in my head and sometimes I would just burst into tears thinking that everyone else is coping so well and understanding everything while I did not pick up anything at all. However, with time, I realised that most of the time, whatever we tell ourselves in our heads is often more exaggerated and extreme than reality. You are definitely not the only one struggling and lagging behind, and most of the time, it’s just that people do not show their struggles on their faces. By comparing yourself with someone else, you are equating someone else’s strengths with your own weakness and obviously, that is not a fair comparison. Acknowledge your strengths and the efforts you are taking to improve yourself. A quote that personally helped to frame my mindset is this: “My best, my 100% might be someone else’s 80%... or 60%... or 40% but it’s my best and it’s good enough. And that’s what matters.” Getting caught in a never-ending race of trying to outbid others will only cause you to lose sight of what is truly important to you and who you are. This was something I had learnt the hard way as I lost much of my self-esteem because I just felt that I was never good enough. But the truth is, none of us are and as long as we strive to grow each day to become better, it’s enough. You are enough.

4 Be kind to yourself, give yourself the rightful credit

This is never easy to do and I struggled with this for many years and I am still trying to become better at it. Every single human being makes mistakes, including you. Don’t beat yourself over an answer that you could have written better or that careless mistake you made during a math paper. Yes, you screwed up but so what? Don’t discount all the times when you persevered and spent hours trying to understand that particular topic. Failure is not always a bad thing. Think about it, it is because of all the times when you fell that you picked yourself up and became stronger. Failing is an unavoidable experience of growth, don’t be too hard on yourself. Don’t equate taking responsibility to taking the blame for everything. Many times when something goes wrong, I always tend to take the blame even when it is not my fault or something that I can control, and most of the time, I do not even recognise this. This made me learn that overly-blaming yourself will only continue to hurt your confidence. Recognise that some things are out of your control and that not every outcome is because of something you said or did. Some decisions are primarily the responsibility of others. Be mindful of what constitutes your responsibilities. Part of attaining self-love is learning to set your own personal boundaries and making it clear to the people you love about these lines. One such personal boundary that I drew was to set aside the time I take to travel on public transport to and fro school as a time for myself to reflect and be alone. However, unlike all my previous failed attempts at self-care, this time I learnt to speak up and to let my friends know of this personal boundary of mine so that they respect it and do not cross the boundary. This helped to boost my self-respect and confidence greatly as I learnt to mark my own boundaries and convey it to others.

5 Burn-outs

Burnouts occur in different periods of time for different people. I experienced my first burnout in my 2nd year of JC and it happened at a time when I was overwhelmed by my commitments in extra-curricular activities and my academics and I also fell into the trap of comparing myself to others. I felt sleepy all the time, I did not want to get up and the thought of giving up was a constant in my mind. It was a very trying time for me as I felt the need to have to go on with my everyday life as if nothing was happening. However, it is important to recognise that it is a way your body is alerting you that you are exhausted. Listen to your body, do not force yourself to “snap out of it” or feel guilty about not being as productive. Burnouts reflect a state of our mental health, and it takes time to recover from one. Many of my friends, including myself, started to burn out in the second to the third week of A’levels as well. The exams stretch for 1 whole month and there are hardly any breaks after the mid-year exams as you engage in a cycle of constant revision, prelim exams and finally the A’levels. Hence, I can’t stress the importance of pacing yourself enough. Make it a priority to schedule breaks and to allow yourself to rest. For example, if you find yourself less productive at night, stop work at 9 and just do whatever you want till your bedtime. I made it a point to sleep at least 7 hours every night leading up to A’levels. Not only did it helped to regulate my stress, but it also allowed me to be more awake and productive during the day! Many people feel guilty for sleeping early because their friends burn the midnight oil or because they tell themselves they have to make better use of the time. But I strongly believe that everybody works differently. Find out what sleep schedule works for you and stick to it. After all, you are the one who is accountable for yourself, not them. Other than plenty of rest, what helped me out of my burn out was reading and listening to other people’s stories. These 3 sources really helped me to feel less alone in my stuggle: 1, 2, 3. It is also important to discover the cause of your burnout as this can help you to tackle the problem at its root. Take time off school if you need to and reflect on the stressors in your life. Engage in activities that you enjoy and give yourself time to recover. Don’t suffer alone, talk to others about it. It is okay to ask for help, you don’t have to do everything alone. I had decided to talk to my family members about it and contrary to what I expected, I received heartfelt advice from my siblings who had gone through similar experiences before. Talk to someone who you are comfortable with about your feelings. It can be daunting but sometimes, it enables to open your heart and mind and discover perspectives you have never seen before. Recovering from burnout can take a very long time and it is normal. Don’t push yourself to feel 100% every single day, listen to your emotions and prioritise yourself. Afterall, your health is the most important.

6 Actively reach out to your support system

One of my biggest regrets in JC was failing to recognise that I could ask for help. I was always hard on myself and I felt that at 18, I had to be independent and mature and do everything alone. I shamed myself when I asked for help. When I was on the verge to talk to someone about my problems, I was always held back by the thought that I would be a burden to my friends or family, especially since they are having their own struggles as well. I felt like I would just be adding on to their problems and no one would be genuinely interested in what I had to say. This made me feel unimportant and lonely. It was as if I was in a dark pit alone with no way out. As if my screams were in a different frequency that cannot be heard by anyone else. However, my sister taught me that there would always be people willing to listen to me and to be there for me. It was difficult for me to believe it at first, but once I started to open myself up to others and allowed them to be there for me and enter my life, I felt so much more secure and loved. I learnt that the person who is responsible for building my own support system is no other than myself. Nobody can read my mind. If I do not express my thoughts, how do I expect others to be there for me? That said, not everyone here reading this post may be good at expressing their feelings. However, talking is merely just one of those ways. Find your way to let your family or friends know that you need their support and company. This could be certain physical cues or even through writing. I can comfortably say that JC was one of the loneliest periods in my life. It can sometimes feel that the world is revolving regardless of how you are doing and you are trapped in so much action around you but you have so little involvement in them. Therefore, I cannot stress how important it is to establish a support system for yourself, no matter if you are someone who needs a lot of affirmations or not. Be proactive in searching for people to support you in your journey and likewise, be there for them when they need you.

7 Forgive yourself and move on

After my economics paper 1, I felt extremely dejected because I did not perform as well as I wanted to. My time management was poor and there were questions that I did not understand. I was disappointed and angry with myself. I blamed myself as I felt that all the efforts that I had put in in the past 1.5 years would just go down the drain. I cried for an entire afternoon and I was so disheartened to the point where I just wanted to give up and not take the other papers. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that there is no point in crying over spilt milk and to let it go. My point is, it is okay to feel sad, angry or whatever emotions you have, but it is important to let it go. Sometimes, emotions are just chains locking people down, and dwelling in them only makes one feel worse. I had allowed myself to wallow in self-pity and to wish that I had done better. But these are things I cannot change. Regardless of the outcome, if you had done your best in that instant, you did well and you deserve to tell yourself that. Yes, you made some mistakes but so what? Despite it not being able to fulfill your expectations, your best is all you can do, no one can do more than that. My teacher had said this once: “Never indulge in your feelings, be it emotions of joy or sadness. We feel, pack it up, remember and move forward. Don’t live in past glories and don’t live in past regrets.” Give yourself some time to internalise your emotions and organise them. Acknowledge your efforts and forgive yourself. Move on, allow yourself to breathe. I once watched a video and an analogy that they used has since been held close in my heart. It said a rocket has many little fuel tanks that it carries with it that brings it to the sky. But once it is in the sky, it has to drop it all so that it can continue with its journey. Likewise, this applies to the bad things that happen in our lives. It spurs you on and helps you grow and then you just need to let them go so that you can move further.

8 Your life is not just about studying.

Your life is more than just those notes and exams, there are so many opportunities awaiting you and so many meaningful things around you. While our main responsibility as students is to study hard, it is important to find life out of the books. I read an article recently and it puts my point across very nicely: “Our education system is built on the idea of merit, so people ... equate merit with performance in exams”. We allow our academic performance to influence how we feel about ourselves, our sense of self-worth and confidence. It is important to find your worth outside of the affirmations of others when you do well academically, or else it is easy to fall into the belief that you are nothing but a grade-making machine. After my A’levels ended, I felt a low in my life as I had dedicated so much of my life to studying that I lost my purpose and I felt worthless because I was no longer being “productive”. I forgot how to enjoy myself and to have fun, and this made me realise that I had indeed lost myself in trying to meet my own expectations academically. I cooped myself at home for months and the only time I left the house was to the library or school to study. Make it a point to engage in your hobbies, do not put it off just because you feel that it is a waste of time or that you feel pressured to study. It is difficult to see it now because you might be caught in the frenzy of studying, but when you look from a wider perspective, your academic journey is only such a small part of your life. There are more permanent things that you carry throughout your life, like your relationships with people, social skills that will continue to shape you as a person. Dedicate time for these important things and I can assure you that you will not regret it.

9 Find joy in learning

At some point in JC, I found that I lost my joy for learning and I was instead trying to memorise all the information in my head without trying to understand it. I was only studying just for the exams rather than to develop my critical thinking skills and my knowledge. Studying got very painful and I lost interest in many of my subjects, even those that I liked initially. When I realised this problem in the middle of JC2, I made it a point to relook at all of my study material and to slowly go through everything to try to genuinely understand them. It took a long time but this helped to spark my interest again as the content was no longer as dry as before. Blind memorisation may seem to be a shortcut and an effective way to ace the exams, but for me, I found it difficult to apply any of the concepts as I did not know how to adapt them to the questions. There is a difference between learning and studying. Be mindful to sieve out whether you are learning or purely just doing it for the exams.

10 Tough times will pass

For me, the JC experience was so tough that it is indescribable in words. The best way I can put my experience is that it is like a rollercoaster ride, except that everything is perpetually going downhill. Of course, there have been good days, but there has been a fair share of difficult days. It is extremely demanding to have to learn this giant chunk of content in only 1.5 years and the commitment for extra-curricular activities will undeniably drain you. It may be unbearable at times and you might feel that you want to give up. I have also gone through these moments in my life but I can confidently tell you that you are stronger than you believe and you will overcome them. Think about all the times when you felt so small and vulnerable, but in the end, you managed to get through them and now the painful experience is only just a speck of your memory and it no longer hurts you as much as before. Likewise, you will be able to overcome whatever struggles that come in your way. I read the book ‘The Last Lecture’ and there was a line that said “The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop the other people.” All the struggles and heartaches will only bring you closer to your dreams. It will teach you lessons, grow you to become stronger and equip you with more wisdom to tackle other challenges in the future. This was a song that comforted me through many of my bad days and I hope it can also bring you some strength to continue to push on: https://youtu.be/4KdUGnowXS0 You will be okay, this soon shall pass. The storms may be tough but the sun will shine again. It will get better! Don’t give up!

While you are caught in your endless to-do list, never forget you are human. I mean these 3 things- resting, making mistakes and feeling. Make time for play and rest, for development. As we grow up, there will be new emotions we would be experiencing for the first time. These eventually will make up who we are as a person which we will carry throughout our lives, so invest time into these things as well.

I know how tough JC is. You may feel that you will never see the end of the tunnel but as long as you are taking small, new steps every single day, you’ll make it. Take challenges, fight. Even if you get beaten up, live your life how you want okay? This is our youth and we will only live it once. Leave no regrets and chase your dreams! Lastly, let me leave a youtube video from one of the artists I admire very much, there were many meaningful messages I got out of the interview and I hope you will too!

Thank you for reading this, no matter whether you are studying in JC or not, I hope this has been helpful! Hang on and your hard work will pay off! Believe in yourself!

#alevels #jc #study #burnout #advice for students #self care #exam #singapore #gce

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aroworlds · 5 years

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I just want to let you all know that my health still isn’t good: I spent awareness week struggling with insomnia (not to mention before and now after) and trying to cope with making content for it while operating on almost no sleep just about broke me. I’m glad I did it, but I’ve spent this week trying to recover from it, and I struggle to find the energy needed to talk to people when I’m that worn out.

Right now, I’m trying to figure out more about transition options and support as a queer, transgender person, since it’s been made clear to me that my current environment is not ever going to be truly supportive. This week I had a really good conversation with my GP so my new pronouns are as officially on the system as they can be (with a system that doesn’t really support it, but at least referrals will correctly refer to me) and a conversation about my queerness that was summed up as “sexual attraction irrespective of gender, romantic attraction to nobody, no gender”. It’s not completely accurate because you all know I’m abrosexual, but given that I mostly use queer like a safety blanket in offline conversations, it’s as accurate as I get to someone who doesn’t already know me. I’m looking for a new psychologist, and there’s a few queer-centred clinics in my state’s capital (Melbourne, Australia) I’ll be checking out.

The extreme degree of lack of sleep is almost certainty a response to everything that’s happened this year with regards the incredible invalidation from my former psychologist and family, but it’s making it hard. If autism makes a lot of the above difficult, insomniac autistic cranks the playing level right up!

I’ve been thinking about the direction of this blog, since I would like to open up the ask box again. The problem is that this blog was becoming a little more community-conversation-support-and-validation than is easy for me to handle. It takes a lot of spoons to be available to provide that kind of response and support, and there is always going to be a greater need for it than I am able to provide. To be frank, it’s overwhelming to me to constantly see it in my inbox and my messages, and that’s not something I well handle as an autistic.

I’m a creative. I write, I sew, I scrapbook, I design, I make. I’m hampered by my disabilities and an inability to have or afford real workarounds in terms of accessibility aids, but as much as I am able to, I make things. I was quietly proud of myself during awareness week for being able to get past the “I can’t do it perfectly so why do it at all” tendency of mine to make pride-related pieces that weren’t perfect (lack of tape, time, editing, fabric, marker pens) but still existed, as that’s something hard for me. And it meant the world to me to see some of those pieces get likes and reblogs!

My highest shape of activism is always going to be creative media, yet this blog, combined with the limitations of my disabilities, was making it harder for me to do that. It’s not coincidental that I’m able to write more stories with the ask box closed!

The other problem is that a lot of the conversations I was getting more concerned aro-ace folks, aro-ace experiences and aro-ace relationships to the aro-spec, ace-spec and a-spec communities. I’m not saying that you don’t need or deserve the support, and it is by no means wrong that anyone sought this out, but I felt like I was providing more reassurance to folks with issues that don’t impact me in quite the same way, without the time to talk about my own needs (because I am disabled, my spoons are limited and I never had the ability to do both the way I wanted). That felt like I was working more to support other people than I was to support myself; my activism slowly moved further and further away from my own needs in the aro-spec and a-spec communities.

I hope folks appreciate that providing reassurance, validation and support to fellow community members is a lot of work--something that takes a lot of time, a lot of physical ability, a lot of physical energy, a lot of emotional ability, and a lot of emotional energy. It’s work, it’s skilled work, and it’s hard work--something I don’t think we always stop and acknowledge in activist spaces where the need of people to be supported is sometimes pushed ahead of the ability for people to provide it. Particularly when the people who are doing this work are unpaid, often unsupported in their providing of this work while at the same time being applauded for it, and have to face a never-ending need for it should they begin to offer it.

I’ve had asks that have distressed and triggered me, asks that need all the empathy and validation I can provide but at the same time distress me to the point where I can’t cope myself. Where do I go to talk about that? Where do I go to find help? I can’t write a post about it here; that would hurt the person who needs help and has done nothing wrong in seeking it. Psychologists see other psychologists for support, but we have a grassroots situation where folks are providing nearly the same sort of work on an untrained, volunteer basis, for a community in incredibly desperate need of it and can’t actually go to a psychologist who doesn’t understand aromanticism, without any kind of support network ourselves.

Without that, it’s very difficult not to succumb to overwhelm and burnout ... and for much the same reasons folks came to my ask box, I can’t easily see a psychologist myself for coping with this, or afford to do so as frequently as I need even if/when I do find someone supportive.

I think a good thing for the aro-spec community to discuss would be the ways we can support other community members in their community-support-and-community-building activities, in terms of making sure that the people who are working to build our communities are physically and emotionally safe, have spaces where we can discuss the challenges and problems in providing community support--in the same way psychologists also have these support networks--and have their labour acknowledged in the sense of our promoting their PayPal, Ko-fi and Patreon accounts (it’s hard to manage the emotional work of providing deserved support for our own when we’re panicking over having $5 in our bank accounts and a $100 bill to pay next month). We shouldn’t be taking it for granted that the people who are helping prop us up can do so unaided, not when we all know the struggles we face in a capitalist, amatonormative world. Let’s please acknowledge this, not just for me but for every other aro-spec who is putting their works out in posts, answering asks and creating the content we need and appreciate.

Let’s do our best to support the people who are supporting us and have open conversations about the struggles and stresses of activism, because I honestly feel that the only options for me include shutting down the inbox forever, being seen as selfish and demanding if I talk about the problems of being a source of support because I’m supposed to be helping people, quitting the blog entirely, or struggling through it all until I shatter.

In the meantime, though, as a disabled aro-spec, I have to draw a line.

For me, this comes back to what I want to do--run a blog about aro-spec creativity while making more original aro-spec creative content--and activism that directly concerns and impacts me. That means, specifically, allo-aro activism, because I’m increasingly finding a disconnect between general aro-spec approaches and my own needs. Activism for aro generally isn’t resulting in a-spec spaces that feel safe for me, and that’s where I want to direct my conversations.

For this blog, @aroworlds, I’d like the ask box to be an easy way folks can recommend media, discuss content, squee about something cool they read/saw/heard/found, share pride merch, give their thoughts on something with regards representation or creativity. I won’t say that I won’t make my own posts about activism here and there, but I’d like to get back to a focus on creativity. I am asking, therefore, that people please keep messages, submissions and asks to topics of aro-spec creativity and creative media. I am no longer taking support-providing asks, community information asks or community terminology asks on this blog.

For my other blog, @alloaroworlds, I’m happy to have more conversations about aro-spec community issues, identity experiences and creative media as concerns allo-aros. This is where I want to focus my activism outside of creative media, and this is where I want to have community-issue conversations. I’m not yet at a point where I’m really able to provide much in the way of emotional support, but if I ever get my life to a point where I can, that’s where I’ll be providing it. In the meantime, though, let’s talk the aro-spec and a-spec communities and where allo-aros fit into them--and anything else allo-aros want to talk about.

Thank you so much for reading this monster of a post, my lovely followers. I won’t be opening up the ask box here today or even this week, but I will hope to be soon. Because I really do miss folks telling me about something cool they’ve found, and I hope we can get back to that and other projects and discussions focusing on aro-spec creativity.

In the meantime, if folks could wish for me a week where I sleep every night, I would be exceptionally grateful!

#mod chatter #aspec community #arospec community #aromantic activism #activism discussion #discussion post #long post #very long post #extremely long post #rambles about my personal life #personal #queer #it is ridiculous how tired I am right now #aromantic and trans #aromanticism and autism #autism #alloaro

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nibscribs · 5 years

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So uhhhh I drew a lot of RWBY this year... only two of these are non RWBY and tbh I could have just as easily put something RWBY for June Template

Retrospective under the cut bc it’s LONG

RETROSPECTIVE January: First piece of the year! I still like this piece and I think it shows how much I improved from the original version of it. Also I just like looking at it bc it's soft content of my rare pair. I do think I made the rose look photorealistic which looks... bad esp with all the other more stylized flowers, and I got lazy with the bleeding hearts by just drawing one set and flipping them. Emerald's hair also could look better. February: I made this around GNG week, which was a fun, good time, long before the server imploded on itself. I got really lazy with the backgrounds, obviously, but I do like the poses in this one, tho it helped that I based it off of screenshots from Young Justice. I also just really like how Merc looks in this one. March: March wasn't a very prolific month for art, I don't think I produced much besides this and one comic piece for GNG week. I'm not sure why exactly, I can't find any specific reason why I would be unproductive that month. I'm gonna just assume I was drained from work all the time and didn't have the energy to put out good art, and also I was getting into a slump bc all my art was starting to look same-y. This piece isn't very good, but I chose it because I did it without a reference, and at this point that was going out of my comfort zone. It's obviously not super dynamic, but at the very least you can tell I intended there to be motion to it. April: This also wasn't a very prolific month for art, not as bad as March, but for the same reasons. I was also really starting to feel burnout from the RWBY fandom, specifically wasps and conflict within the GNG server. This was also when the Art vs the Artist meme was popular, and I realized I didn't want to do that meme because my art was too similar and boring, which also brought me down a peg. Though I put out a few good chibis in April, I chose my Mercury redesign bc I was really proud of it. I could never get the Emerald redesign to mesh quite right, but I can say I'm really proud of how Mercury's came out. May: May had me bounce out of my art slump and in full force trying to expand my skills! Specifically exploring painting. Although May was about as prolific as April, what I did create I put a lot into. It was difficult to pick between this and my app of Edison, because I'm really proud of both, but in the end I went with this commission of Mercury because I pushed myself to try and use an interesting perspective for the piece instead of my usual stand still and face the camera pose. Because I pushed myself out of my comfort zone, this was one of the best things I made all year, and may be my favorite piece of the year. June: TIME TO STRESS OUT ABOUT CONNECTICON! So if you follow me on twitter, you might have noticed I made a lot of posts at the beginning of the year low key throwing shade at myself for drawing my oc's instead of more "important" art. Well, that important art that I was procrastinating was con merch, and con was the second week of July, so I really had to get my ass in gear to finish merch on time (spoiler, I didn't finish a lot of it on time). This piece and July's piece are both posters I made for Connecticon, and while I like July's much better, that doesn't mean I find this piece bad. I really should have known that no one at con would realize it was a goonies reference tho -_-; I also lost a lot of love for this piece after season 6 of Voltron, which I watched while I was about 60% of the way through this piece, so I had to force myself to finish it. July: I love this piece!!!! Don't get me wrong, I know it has flaws, but look at it! The lines are so crisp, the colors look good, Roman and Merc's expressions are mwuah chefs kiss, and I just love all of them!!! ... except for Neo. I really didn't do her justice in this piece, her hair is too fluffy, her head is way to oversized to the point that she looks like a bobblehead, and her eyes are too close together. Really if you take out Neo's head that whole problem goes away. I also love all the tiny details I put in this one, from emerald's chaps to roman's rose to Neo's lace parasol. You can tell I was way more passionate about this piece than I was about the Voltron piece. August: pretty sure this is when I quit my job cashiering, and thank god bc customers suck. If I was going off of sheer popularity, Chibi Pyrrha would have taken this slot no contest, and while I love chibi Pyrrha, I don't think it was the best of the month. I chose this little princess and the pauper au doodle because I tried a year ago to draw these two dancing, and it looked like dog shit. It was flat and ugly. But this has motion to it, and even looking at it now makes me feel warm and happy inside. It's just a good cute drawing of my otp. September: My piece for the RWBY tarot project! I have a lot of mixed emotions about this one. on the one hand, I love how mercury looks, his expression, the lighting, the visceral gore from his legs (ESPECIALLY THE VISCERAL GORE ON HIS LEGS) and the hands of the undead, all look stunning and I don't think I could be more happy with how they turned out. And then we get to the background. The caduceus isn't the worst thing ever, but it's severely lacking in quality compared to the rendering on mercury in front of it, and a lot of it is clearly pixellated from me trying to stretch and squash it just right. And the fire is a hot (no pun intended) mess. It's flat, incoherent, and doesn't lead the eye anywhere. It's a shame too because I wanted to do more with it, but I a) didn't have enough time or patience to figure out what I needed to do to fix it and b) didn't want to go outside of my comfort level, so I gave up and decided to be satisfied with what I had. October: October was another good month for art, I made a turnaround sheet for Moss, painted a full body (and slightly lewd) Rudy, and made a decent attempt at inktober. Ok, so I got like 2 days in, but I improved a lot on inking from last year! Fun fact! this piece was originally going to be fan art of Lindsay Jones, but after I did some thumbnails to figure out a pose, I thought it would suit White Diamond better, and I could also sell it as merch. I love this piece. I think I captured the sinister mood well, and conveyed the story I wanted to without any dialogue (at least the notes on Tumblr make me assume I did a decent job, lotta people really wigged out lol) I really worked hard to get the lighting right on this one, and I think it shows. My absolutely favorite thing about this piece funnily enough, is Amethyst. I think I just did a great job drawing her and I'm proud of myself ok. Stevens bubble and my trouble figuring out how to get WD's leg just right are the only things that I dislike about this piece, but I might go back and fix those. November: IM SO PROUD OF THIS COMMISSION!!!!!! I worked so god damn hard on this chef's kiss poifect, and it really shows. I started using a new brush at this point, the Ojing series on Clip Studio Paint, which I recommend and have been using a lot since. I've also been using this shading technique since drawing this. I love how it sort of fades out but it's still really crisp. I also love all the little details that give this piece character, like her shoes and the stripes on her jacket. This piece really takes a lot of the stuff I learned over the year and combines it into one piece, and I could not be prouder of it. I have absolutely no problems with this one, though I do find the weapon a bit plain, but it's what the client described. December: AND NOW IT'S CHRISTMAS!!!!! I had been working on this piece since August, going back to it every now and then and getting frustrated. I'm really glad I came back to it and finally finished it, since I love this pair and I put a lot of effort into it back in August. However, I'm also really glad I completely overhauled a lot of it, specifically the flowers. Though I'm not 100% happy with the mums in this one, they look a thousand times better than the mums I had originally sketched back in August, and were part of the reason I had such a hard time finishing this for months. I also thought it would be nice to end the year on the same note it started; with a flower couple. I've definitely learned a lot since January, and I hope to continue growing in 2019! 2019 GOALS!

Work on backgrounds for the love of god

Draw more stuff that isn't RWBY

Perspective

Make more speed paints and post more to youtube in general

#2018 summary of art #2018 retrospective #art progress #year in review #not art

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novadreii · 5 years

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that post i just reblogged about how life is just like playing whack-a-mole with all your responsibilities is so damn true, but it got me thinking. between work, school, family, and my social life (which has increased both on/offline for me a lot in the past year, which is v nice), i’m always hyperaware that if i don’t take care of myself and keep my perspective in check, burnout is a very real possibility.

i would never trade it for the life i had exactly one year ago--university dropout, stalled “career”, so wracked with anxiety i was borderline agoraphobic and completely cut off from other people. i felt like my life was over before it properly had a chance to take off. that was my rock bottom and the one promise i made to myself as i applied back to school (so nervous the entire time i did so that i was trembling), was that i would just try my best. and on days that i couldn’t even do my best, i’d just show up and do what was feasible, because even that was better than doing nothing.

now, exactly a year later, i am 8 months away from finishing my degree, am potentially up for a promotion to do exactly what i’m studying at school, and have developed some old friendships and made some new ones.

it feels like A Lot sometimes, but always in a good way. it’s a million times better than being stagnant. i’ve resigned myself to the fact that right now, while i’m this busy, it’s impossible to do everything perfectly. my apartment/bedroom is as tidy as i can muster because mess stresses me out, but it’s not perfect by any means. there’s always a few dishes in the sink, and some clothes thrown over my chair, my desk is always strewn with whatever assignment/notes i’ve been working on, and i’m due to vacuum bc i see dust bunnies floating about on the floor. but i couldn’t be bothered. i often feel bombarded by emails/texts/messages, but i answer what i want to/feel able to in the moment, then i put my phone on silent and leave it facedown somewhere for a bit. work related stuff can wait until i’m actually at work, and good friends will understand when i get back to them the next day (and vice versa).

regarding school, i study when i have energy and in short bursts of 2-3 hours at most. no more all day long cram sessions. it means i can’t really procrastinate anymore but it’s so worth it. i find i don’t have the mental stamina anymore and this way i’ve been getting better grades anyway.

my family with the exception of my mother understands for the most part. i see them when i can and respond when i can. my mom feels neglected by me but she is just going to have to deal. it’s not forever.

my bills are on autopay bc my adhd ass WILL forget to pay them. i have a rough budget that i mostly stick to--one thing i’ve been spending too much on is eating out because it’s honestly just more convenient during hectic weekdays--i forgive myself for that, pack my food when i feel like it, and promise to just work hard so i can make more money very soon.

i don’t have fancy to-do lists and post-its everywhere, that is not the only way to be organized. i quickly jot down due dates for school in my planner as insurance but i honestly fucking hate writing every little thing down and planning my life out down to the last microsecond. i just find a happy middle ground between staying organized but without rigidity, bc as soon as i feel that it makes me want to drop everything and go live as a wild woman in the forest.

what i’m trying to say is that i am just doing what i am capable of given the current parameters of my life. #1 is always my own health and happiness, without exception. i have learned to be shameless about this. it doesn’t mean i walk all over others to get what i want in life, but i don’t go out of my way to be people’s physical or emotional caretakers (barring it being someone extremely close to me who has nobody else, of course). i don’t grind excessively at work, because they don’t really notice and i just end up being on the losing end of that deal--i just do what is expected of me but i do it impeccably. i show up and leave on time, they certainly don’t get any more time out of me than what i am paid for. i like the culture at my job bc for the most part they don’t expect us to sell our literal souls to them.

that is all i can do. i have financial goals, so right now work and school are my priorities, which means that taking care of my body and brain come first. everything else, for now, is secondary because i know myself--as soon as i try to be the #1 Employee, Student, Sister, Friend, Daughter, etc. all at once, i begin to fall apart.

you have the right to prioritize as you see fit. if it means that your living space doesn’t look like something out of an ikea catalogue, or that you’re a lil disorganized because you’ve got a lot on your plate, or you can’t be 100% Attuned to the needs of everyone in your life, IT’S OKAY. what matters is you’re showing up, you’re giving it your all, and as my own experience has shown me that is often more than enough.

since adopting this way of thinking, my anxiety, which was almost unbearable even just 6 months ago, is almost nil. as i’ve mentioned before, i have given up the illusion of control over life. there is no such thing, and i refuse to be derailed mentally each time something doesn’t go my way. i just try my best, try to be open and kind and present, and ye olde universe has been very receptive to that. i am thankful for the roof over my head, my health, the people i surround myself with, and everything else is just a bonus.

#diary of nova #my post #thots #i also unfollowed everything that had to do with advertising and celebrity culture and any kind of materialism #that shit just subliminally reinforces that deep dissatisfaction in all of us that they profit off of #i literally don't care about material items unless they serve to make my life more comfortable or save me time #bc i realized that it will never be enough #i'll never be rich or beautiful or adored enough to fill that artificial void imposed on all of us #and i decided to just stop caring about that shit instead of going my whole life feeling like i am not or don't have enough

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lowkeyorloki · 2 years

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OH HELL YEAH BESTIE PLS DROP THE LINK TO YOUR BOBA FETT FIC WHENEVER U POST IT bc tbh I have never read any boba fett fics just bc I don’t usually see his character that way cuz he is older but I have 100% read your mandalorian fic (and he’s older too so no excuse tbh but oh I LOVE Din) and have read all of your Loki fics on ao3 so yeah I definitely wanna read the BF fic I loveeeeee everything I’ve read by you!! Actually tbh this is really funny bc I found u through the archetype I’m relatively new to your writing (I think I found you in like March or april of 2021 so holy shit happy 1 year anniversary of me loving your fics) but anyway I fell in love with that fic and then LOVED ssh but I didn’t read asis for the LONGEST time bc the age gap threw me off I thought it would make me uncomfy but I eventually started reading and I binged all of the asis chapters that were out at the time in like one night and now here I am and asis is like one of my all time favorite fics ever so YEAH IM EXCITED FOR A BOBA FETT FIC obviously take your time and rest n recuperate after asis ends but whenever that fic goes up let me know :) -BC Anon

YESSSS I can't imagine it will be out before October 2022 because as much as I adore asis and Loki and writing I'm experiencing burnout in all aspects of my life and I need to take a sizeable break from having a writing schedule or else I will lose my fucking mind yikes

ANYWAY if it helps Boba will be anywhere from 46-48 (he isn't entirely sure) in the fic, only a few years older than Loki in asis!! Still an age gap but he won't be a senior citizen lmao. The chapters will also be SUPER long and detailed, it'll only update once or twice month. The writing is kinda crazy and it's absolutely going to be my best work - the scenes I have written are already polished and the best writing I'm capable of producing. And AUGH I'm so glad you read my Mando fic?? Fun fact I wrote that before I had even seen the show. I had just looked at gif sets and was waiting on a friend to give me their disney+ login.

Also... the way I feel when I hear that people read The Archetype is indescribable. It didn't pick up the way She Shall Have (which I try very hard not to think about lol) did, but I LOVE The Archetype. Like I've said, not many people read it so it feels like those who did are all in a cute lil bookclub with me and we all just chill and hang out in the abandoned corner of the local library it's great it's rad even.

I also totally get being thrown by the professor AU that asis is. Remember how Emma Watson talked about figuring out from a feminist perspective if she was comfortable starring in Beauty and the Beast? I feel similarly about asis. I actually had a bit of crisis this week because I realized it doesn't pass the Bechdel test lol. But it's not for everyone and it is intimidating. I feel like the only reason it's not uncomfortable is because the fact their relationship has the potential to be unbalanced is acknowledged - which I don't think many other professor AUs do. Which is totally fair btw, it's a fantasy so it makes sense. My goal with asis was to explore grey areas and this is a great trope to do that through. I also wanted dilf! Loki. I'm glad you ended up liking asis though and I have so much fun going over theories + talking to you!!

Anyway you have me hyped now and also we are buddies so the opening scene of my Boba Fett fic is under the cut ;) lmk what you think, I hope you like it!

Boba Fett could care less about being dangerous.

There were lots of dangerous people he had faced in his life. Jabba the Hutt. Moff Gideon. He could even tack the Sarlacc onto that list, having earned the title as the only being in the galaxy to face off with such a creature and live to tell the tale. Boba Fett fought and he fought, and even now, he just kept winning.

Heads turned when he entered bars, paths cleared wherever he walked. Other bounty hunters backed off when they heard the legendary Boba Fett was hunting the same target as them. When it came to Boba Fett, those around him knew their place.

That was what he enjoyed. Respect. He demanded it, in fact, and wasn’t afraid to take it when it was not given.

Of course, it had been awhile since anyone had stood up to Boba, denied him the respect he so obviously deserved.

That is, until you came around.

Yeah the premise is that y/n accidentally helps one of Boba's bounties escape him. When Boba tells the reader about the horrible crimes the bounty is wanted for, she teams up with him to travel the galaxy and capture the criminal - even though it's her first time being off planet.

#BC anon #WHEW long answer srry #asis #asis spoilers #ask #BC anon you're literally so nice I hope u know i appreciate you very much :')

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trashfirewriter · 2 years

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02062022

I don’t understand how people just...get things done.

There was a time where I functioned like a well-oiled machine, perhaps even better than most. That shit is long ruined now. Not only am I panicking for the next week already, I also can’t imagine having to wake up tomorrow. I can’t even imagine making it through today.

For the umpteenth time, I wish this was a blog that inspired people. You know those blogs that just fill you with a rush of productivity once you see their posts? I want that. But more importantly, I want to be able to keep the promises I make to myself, because I’ve slacking off for another week and now I’m 100% sure that the world will hit me with a finishing blow. Or maybe it already did. I don’t know.

Getting out of a rut is fucking harder than social media makes it seem. It’s always framed as if someone’s like just changed because they flipped a switch and decided they’ve had enough of fucking around. Personally, I’ve been flipping so many switches since the second half of 2021, with no such luck. At this point I can say that the struggle to crawl my way out killed me harder than giving up. Sometimes I wonder if things would be better if I gave up earlier, quit earlier, and just...surrendered to the all consuming void a tad bit earlier. I think it would save so many people from placing their trust on me. They wouldn’t end up being disappointed, then.

However, this line of thinking suggests that I DID give up on myself, huh? Maybe I’ve lived the past few months in denial. I don’t know.

There’s probably going to be a harsher rendition of this entry in my private journal, but I wanted to write down these thoughts hoping that one day, I can look back to them and thank myself somehow. I chose this path, nobody else. The least I could do now is keep walking it.

Change doesn’t come easy, you know? There was a time where I feared stepping out of my comfort zone, but now that I did, all that’s left is the soul-crushing burnout. It’s like taking a leap of faith, failing to land on the other side, and plumetting to the ground like Icarus but with none of the poetry. I can’t seem to get myself together and muster the strength to crawl out of this shithole.

It reminds me of that game, Getting Over It.

I’ve only watched others play it, but if you listen to the monologue, you’ll understand why the game is made that way. I loved that monologue just as much as I loved watching others struggle to play the game. Frustration reveals a lot about people. I suppose it was never about how many times they fell and how long they took before they cleared the game - rather, it was the valiant attempts to get back up, bruised ego and all, and still brave that mess.

Others found entertainment seeing players ragequit or go berserk, but personally, I rather enjoyed the quiet moments of defeat. This I can understand, having played a few games myself. That humbling moment where you realize it’s not just a game anymore. It becomes a personal commitment.

Maybe I’m in that state right now, continuously being pummeled and unable to regain my footing. I feel like I’m playing an FPS game and my teammates are shouting over the comms telling me square up or stand down. I can’t keep up.

But I can’t quit either.

#inside the trashfire #february2022

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myneighborhood-thelake · 3 years

Text

IronMan Canada 1998

IMC '98 meant a lot to me because it paved the way for some major changes in my life which I really needed to make. There are probably to many tri-related details and too many extraneous issues in this and the subsequent post that I will send out. I apologise in advance if you dislike rambling stories, but the IMC experience was much more than 14 hours 10 minutes and 48 seconds of swimming, biking and running (walking). It was over a year of contemplation and training, and it was 10 years of racing narrowed down into one event.

That said, please enjoy.

I think that my story starts out about 5 years ago. I was putting myself through my final years of college and money was just a little tight. I made a conscious choice to stop racing triathlons for a while to reduce my expenses. I graduated and landed a great job with excellent potential for advancement. Since I was pushing hard in my career tri's were still regulated to the backseat. 2 1/2 years passed in that job and I was experiencing severe burnout. I had focused all of my intensity on my work, and work was not as exciting as it had been when I was fresh out of college.

Labor Day (U.S.) 1997. One of my best friends got married in Philadelphia - which is an incredible town. At an after party I was talking with a couple of people - an associate editor of Triathlete magazine and a guy who occasionally does a few tri's. The tri-geek was trying to get the Triathlete editor to give him a slot for Kona. He would have been better off trying to score a date with her - there was no way that she was going to conjure up a Kona slot. She suggested IMC as a place to qualify.

The wheels in my head started to turn - "I need a challenge" "I have wanted to get back into tri's for several years" "I need a really big challenge to get me out of my workaholic rut" "Maybe I should try IMC"

Back at work I downloaded the IMC '98 application and contemplated the commitment to training for an IM. My wife was 100% behind me signing up for IMC. When we started dating I was racing tri's in Southern California, and she knows how much I enjoyed the scene. I bit the bullet and mailed in my application. I even started training - somewhat. Four plus years of inactivity had taken their toll. I had purchased a new Kestrel KM40 in the fall of 1996, but I only had ridden it for about 100 miles in the year since I bought it. It was pretty embarrassing to be out riding my shiny, new Kestrel as I was getting passed by everyone on the road.

I soon subscribed to Tri-DRS and saw all the traffic about IMC filling up in record time. I wondered, I worried, I fretted, and then the confirmation letter came. It was true - I was going to Canada in 9 months.

To say the least - I was really scared. I was out of shape. I had never done an Ironman. I used to train for Oly distance races using a "feeling" plan - "How do I feel today and what do I want to do?" I knew that I could not train for an Ironman on such an ad hoc training plan.

I wrote down my goals for IMC '98. A

1. Finish my first Ironman. 2. Have fun.

After the race I would: 1. Smile. 2. Hug my wife. 3. Be happy that I went from couch potato to Ironman in 10 months!!!!

I needed some help in training, so I talked with my college teammate and now QR pro Greg Thompson. Greg suggested that I contact Lauren Alexander for coaching advice. The best thing that I did in the months prior to IMC was hire Lauren as my coach. She is a major asset.

The months flew by, I had a hideous race at Wildflower, I DNF'd at San Jose due to a mechanical, I finally had a great race at a local sprint tri and I did pretty well at the 1/2 Vineman. The 1/2 Vineman taught me that I could overcome problems during a race and still continue on to a good finish. I sent out numerous emails to both the Tri-DRS and the IMC lists asking all kinds of stupid questions. Luckily there are a lot of great people on the list who answered my questions and gave me some great guidance. Unbelievably - Taper Time for IMC arrived - my first IM was only 3 weeks away.

During all of this IM training, life continued to march forward. My wife continued her studies and supported my training endeavors. My job structure changed again, and again, and again, and finally I found a new job that started two weeks before IMC - of course I negotiated a one week break for IMC into my offer. As always there was a multitude of issues to deal with that really got in the way with training. As time marched on I forgot about my initial race goals - I started thinking about racing IMC as opposed to surviving it, and that was a big mistake. My initial goals were what I should have focused on, but I wasted a lot time worrying about split times, average speed and run paces.

Tuesday Afternoon,

Flew from San Francisco to Vancouver. A hometown friend drove to Penticton, so I stashed my bike in his mini-van for the trip. I did not have to worry about packing a bike box, or whether my bike would arrive in Penticton on my flight.

While waiting for the puddle jumper from Vancouver to Penticton, some guy sat next to me and asked me if I was doing the race. I am not sure why he would look at me and assume that I was racing IMC - Okay, maybe the shaved legs and Specialized transition bag were pretty good indicators. He introduces himself as Scott Adams (it sounds familiar). I introduce myself as Ron Renwick. Sometimes it is very useful to have your name and email address coincide. Scott recognized my name, and further introduced himself as an infrequent poster to Jason's IMC list - this is a really small world! Another friend of mine, Bill - from my Wildflower debacle, showed up and we waited for the plane to Penticton.

We arrived in Penticton. Scott had a seat next to me on the plane where he tried to avoid listening to me whine about how hungry I was for the duration of the flight. Thanks for the pretzels Scott. In the Penticton airport, Scott started talking to this big guy with bright 'blonde' hair and a smaller guy with very little hair. Jason Mayfield and Bruce Grant had come to pick up Scott. I think that Bruce's wife and Eric Austin may have been there too, but it was a few days ago and my memory is not what it used to be. Scott's bike actually made it into Penticton on our flight. My buddy Bill was not so lucky. His bike did not show (as expected), and Canadian Airlines had lost his suitcase too. His carry-on consisted solely of his race wheels, so he was not a happy camper.

Bill and I made our way to the Rochester Resort - 2 doors from the Sicamous, and "The Best Value On The Beach." It was late so we walked the 10 steps to Salty's restaurant for a bite to eat. FYI, avoid Salty's if possible. Bill was able to buy a toothbrush at the local convenience store - he now had race wheels, the clothes on his back and a toothbrush - Bill was not a happy camper.

Wednesday,

0700 - I made my way to the Sicamous for my first pre-IMC swim. I met so many people that I had emailed with over the last 10 months. I only swam for 20 minutes, but meeting everyone was incredible. My goggles broke during the swim - add one more thing to my "Must Buy" list.

After a shower Bill and I walked downtown to the Hog's Breath. We grabbed a cup of coffee and some breakfast. Bill was impressed that we kept bumping into Tri-DRS'ers. I finally told him that "Everything I know about Penticton I learned on from the List." Which meant that anywhere we went we were sure to bump into some Deads. We walked around town, checked out the construction zone of the Athlete's village and hit the Bike Barn - a really cool bike store. Most bike shops in the SF Bay area are pretty streamlined. They look more like a Blockbuster Video store than a neighborhood bike shop - everything is in its proper spot. The Bike Barn rocks - racks of stuff and a good assortment of bikes. Bins were overflowing with stuff. It was a great place to dig around for bike goodies. The place was humming with tri-bikes. There must have been at least 8 workstands going continuously.

We went to lunch at Front Street Pasta (Jason's choice) a great meal for a very low price. I finally met Dave 'the starving student" Barclay. Jason was quite the entertainment director - as the week progressed he started looking more and more like Julie Tewes, the Cruise Director from the Love Boat ;-).

My bike arrived in the afternoon - reassembly consisted of putting the front wheel back on (no allen wrenches for me). For dinner it was Front Street Pasta again this time with my bike hauling friend Ray, Bill, Dead Chris Nugent and lurking Dead Bob Castaldi. A post-dinner beer with Ray and Greg Pressler was quite relaxing. Greg truly is a poet at heart.

Thursday

Thursday was my glycogen depletion/carbo load day so I did a solo swim and run and 4 of us rode the first 15 miles of the bike course out and back. We meant to ride the run course, but we turned left on McClean by mistake. We then picked up our registration packets and got our wrist bands. It was official - I was signed up for an Ironman.

Friday

I missed the 0700 swim by 10 minutes, so I did not get to meet anyone new from the list. However, after the swim I finally met the person that I have tried to meet for months now. We train in the same locations, we race the same races and we live only a few miles apart, but I had never met this person. Finally, after a 2000 mile trek to Canada, I finally met Tri-Baby, the one the only Tricia Richter. Now I wonder how the hell I missed seeing her in other races! And I thought that Jason had some noticable hair.

My buddy Ray and I went to the Hog's Breath after the swim for a dose of caffeine, and we bumped into some deads (imagine that). Gerry Kuse was talking to Tricia and Skippy. He was wearing a 1993 Mike and Rob's shirt, a race that I had my 1/2 IM PR in way back when (it's a small world). It turns out the Gerry and I have raced at several of the same races over the years.

At the carbo load dinner we learned that there would be 675 IronVirgins racing on Sunday. 40% of the racers were attempting there first IM. Wow!

Saturday

My wife flew into town on Saturday morning. I was really glad to see her. She had been so supportive of my training, and she deserves the title of IronMate. She had originally been scheduled to fly up with me on Tuesday, but her school schedule mandated that she stay at home during the pre-race week and attend classes. I often say that you should always have at least one smart person in the family, and I was lucky enough to marry well.

The day pretty much flew by with the pre-race meeting, the parade, packing Special Needs Bags and bike check-in. My nutrition plan was pretty simple - Gu and Cytomax and salt tabs. I had trained with Gu, Cyto and salt tabs over the past 10 months with great results. At the last minute I decided to toss an Okanagan pear into my Bike Special Needs Bag.

A post parade dinner at the Gunbarrel and a walk home were all that I needed for the evening. It was time to get some sleep. Before I drifted off I thought back to my original goals. Oh yeah, I was here to have fun. I was not here to break 14 or 12 or 10 hours, but I still held out for a good race even though I knew that I just wanted to finish. I wish that I would have looked back on my goals more often.

The actual Race Report follows.

Sunday - RACE DAY

I started the day with a 3:00 am breakfast run to Denny's. Ray and I figured that an early breakfast would be useful for us. I had actually slept for about 5 or 6 hours the night before, and I felt pretty good.

At about 5:00 am I gathered my Special Needs Bags and swim gear bag and marched 3/4 of a mile to the transition. I got body marked, Championchipped and went straight to my bike. Even at 0500 the volunteers were friendly and incredibly helpful. I chose to leave my floor pump at the hotel [good choice] - with my floor pump absent from the transition area there were only 1,699 floor pumps in the TA waiting to be used. In addition there was a crew from the Bike Barn with a compressed air cylinder for filling tires. I pumped up my Conti's to about 160psi, loaded my aerobag, filled my jetstream and walked around the corner to the Swim and Run transition bag racks.

The 2 hours from 0500 to 0700 flew by. I chatted with a few friends, revelled in the fact that I was about to start my first Ironman and donned my wetsuit. I did a warm up swim for about 10 minutes in the clear Lake Okanagan. I chatted with Chris Nugent. I high-fived and chatted with Greg Pressler. In Greg's race report he mentioned that he saw "fire in Ron's eyes." With all due respect, I think that Greg is confusing the "Happy Face" holograms on my goggles with fire.

Meeting the people on this list has been a special thrill, both Greg and I have both been doing tri's for over 10 years, but we had waited until now for our first IM. We both had that "This is finally it" feeling, he went on to an incredible race that he really deserved.

The day before the race, Greg had a great observation about the IMC swim course. "It's an International Distance swim on the way out, a few hundred meters to the right and a 1/2 IM swim on the way home - we have done this before."

Oh Canada was played. I think that I heard some bagpipes somewhere, and the race STARTED!

I was here to have fun so I held back for a few seconds to let the mass of humanity clear out from the start line. I started swimming. I kept thinking to myself "This is so COOL! I am finally doing an IronMan." I passed the first set of marker bouys and thought to myself "WOW, I just passed my first set of IronMan marker bouys. This is AWESOME!"

The swim went very well. It was much less brutal than Wildflower, and the course is very well marked. I was so happy to be racing. I was bumped a few times, I swam over a few folks, I drafted a little and hit some toes and I was drafted off of. I hit the first houseboat (leg 1) in 25 minutes - I was ecstatic. I stopped for a second to adjust the neck of my wetsuit as I was experiencing a little chafe. I made it to the second right turn at 35 minutes - one more leg to go. The swim course is so well marked that I had to do very little sighting - maybe one look every 10 strokes. Basically, the swim was all mine. I focussed completely on how I was doing. If I bumped someone or got kicked it just did not matter. I really enjoyed being out there. I hit the beach and attempted to walk over the annoying rocks.

I looked at my watch - I had completed the swim in 1:06!!!!!!!!

I was expecting to have a 1:20 swim as I have only been in the water 5 or 6 times since Wildflower in May, and two of those times were tri swims. A 1:06 was incredible.

I thought "It cannot get any better than this!"

It did not get any better.

In fact, things got far, far worse.

SWIM TO BIKE TRANSITION

I wore my Speedo and singlet under my wetsuit during the swim, so I only had to don my cycling shoes and helmet. I also stopped to urinate - little did I know that I would not have to worry about that for the next 12 hours. . .

I rolled out of town feeling really good. I had just finished an incredible swim, and I was finally starting on the bike leg of my first Ironman! I took it easy for the first 5 miles - I figured that I had 107 more miles to make up time. I hit the drops as we hit South Main Street. My first priority was to hydrate and the cytomax was not tasting very good. I spun my way up McClean Road and picked off many people on the downhill - when you weigh 195 pounds downhills are a real rush. My stomach was a little tight, but I attributed that to being so early in the race.

At the bottom of McClean someone was nice enough to tell me that I had lost my pump during the rapid descent. The bracket holding my pump on my bike broken off. "Nothing I can do about it now - I hope that I don't flat."

At about mile 10 my JetStream went dry. I had a bottle of highly concentrated Cytomax on my downtube with markings on the bottle to delineate portions. I shot some Cyto concentrate into my JetStream and filled the rest with water to make a 7% solution. I immediately took a drink from my JetStream. The concentrate and the water had not mixed together, so I got about an 80% solution of Cyto in that mouthful.

I should have pulled off the side of the road and tossed my cookies.

I chose to keep the cytomax concentrate down and chase it with water - it's hard to say, but this may have been a big mistake.

My stomach started cramping big time! I could no longer drink. I tried to take a Gu, but I could not get it down. 10 miles into the bike and I could neither hydrate nor feed - OH NO!

I tried some different positions on the bike to alleviate my stomach cramps. The aero position put direct pressure on my abdomen which was not feeling too good. I alternated between sitting upright and going aero.

I was still doing pretty good with respect to speed. At mile 41 I took the right turn to head up Richter.

Can someone please tell me why both Wildflower and IMC have a hill at Mile 41???

At the base of Richter I was still holding a 22.5mph average. Then I started climbing Richter. In the grand scheme of things Richter is not a terrible climb. I ride much worse on my regular training rides. However, Richter is at mile 41 of an IM and I had not eaten much for 3 hours (swim and bike time)

I bonked.

I hurt.

I struggled to the top of Richter,

I cursed the wind.

I quit looking at my heart rate monitor - it just did not matter.

I got passed by most of the people racing at IMC.

I got passed by pedestrians who were walking up Richter.

The downhill after Richter should have been a lot of fun, but I could not hold a good tuck. I only hit 47 mph. The uphill after Richter and the rollers through the Osoyoos were intolerable. I just kept pedaling forward. I stopped at about mile 60 to eat a banana - finally I was able to consume something. I was very happy that it stayed down. I continued to slog forward. The head wind was really causing problems. Even the flat spots were hard to ride. I promised myself that I would take a break when I got my special needs bag. I passed a med tent on the way out the second out and back section. I was very tempted to stop and take a nap.

When I got my special needs bag, I rode to the closest clear spot, dropped my bike and sat down. I opened my bag. The Gu's were completely unappetizing, but the pear looked great. I started eating my Okanagan pear - man that tasted good. Unfortunately that was the only good item in my SNB. [Note to Self: diversify nutrition plans in future long races]. Some saint in one of Jason's IMC-RST jerseys stopped next to me. It was John Welch. He had an extra turkey sandwich that tasted incredible. I could eat! This tall guy with a mustache and a blue Softride stopped next to me. He was not having a good day. My personal saint, Jeff, said "George are you OK." It was George Ball. Since I was sitting on the ground in close proximity I have to say - George has some big, skinny feet. George was not feeling too good, and he crossed the road to sit down in a chair.

I shouted to a teammate, Gerry Morton, but he looked around at eye level and missed me sitting down. I saw Tri-Baby, and pretty soon Steve "Gibbo" Gibson rolled up. Gibbo looked incredibly fresh. He looked more like he had just started his ride than that he had already ridden 75 miles. Gibbo's special needs bag was missing and he was pretty irate about not getting to his vegemite sandwiches. To be honest, I have tried the stuff and I think that he was better off not having access to his vegemite, but then again I am not an Aussie ;-).

I gave myself 20 minutes of rest at the special needs stop. The first couple of miles felt OK, but soon thereafter my quads wanted to quit (again).

The course turned back onto Highway 3A and started the gradual climb to Yellow Lake Hill. It was really hot and really windy. Then we hit Yellow Lake Hill. I kept telling myself to live only in the moment - forget about the rest of the race - things will get better, but I was really hurting. It became a battle of feet. Instead of pushing to get to the next mile marker, I goaled for the next traffic sign or the next rock on the shoulder of the road. Bit by bit, pedal turn by pedal turn.

Finally, I stopped on the climb and sat on my top tube for a while (I chose not to time myself). Most people were really great. Almost all of the athletes asked if I was OK, and the race marshalls stopped to check on me. I seriously thought about dropping out. I looked at my watch just as it hit the 7 hour mark. I was at mile 90. I did a quick calculation - I had 10 hours to ride 22 miles and run a marathon. 22 mile rides are easy spins during training. I could do this.

I chose not to DNF. I started riding again. I passed some guy who was walking his bike and I decided to do the same. Two teammates passed me as I was walking, my buddy Ray and Tana, who always looks like she is just out doing an easy training ride even though she is hammering along. They made sure that I was OK as the cruised on by. I made it to the aid station at the top of the hill. A volunteer offered me cold, de-fizzed Pepsi. Pepsi was not in my pre-race plan, but then again, walking up Yellow Lake was not in my plan - I took the Pepsi.

The caffeine and sugar boost was amazing. I started riding once again. My stomach wanted to get rid of the Pepsi, but I made it stay down. I passed Ray and I caught Tana. Tana and I chatted for a minute until my specialty arrived - the Yellow Lake Downhill. I expected to cruise with the downhill bias back into town, but after the big downhill the headwind took over again. I slogged back to the transition area.

As I crossed paths with the people already on the run course I tried to assess their condition. Some people looked pretty good, but most were looking pretty tired. I got to the transition area, but I forgot to slip out of my shoes before I handed off my bike. My brain was not working too well.

BIKE TO RUN TRANSITION

Since I was going to wear my speedo and singlet for the run I did not need to change. I went into the changing tent just to sit down for a while. I applied some vaseline and stuck some reflective tape on my speedo. Ray had slipped the reflective tape in my Bike-Run bag (thanks Ray). I ate a little watermelon and drank some water. The watermelon tasted great, but I was worried about it staying down during the run. I left the changing tent to start my first ever marathon.

An Amazing IMC tidbit - I fully expected to have to carry my gear bags to a rack and hang them up. For both transitions you simply leave the gear bag on the ground. A volunteer comes along and gathers up the gear bag and hangs it on a rack - so simple - so easy for the athlete.

THE RUN

My original plan had been to start running slowly and see how things turned out. Running slowly was not a problem - everything was going to be slow. Running fast was unthinkable. I walked the aid stations, drank, ate a little bit and drenched myself with sponges. It was really hot!!

My first mile was an 11:30 and I was really happy. I hit mile 2 in 22:30 - amazingly I was actually picking up the pace (if only slightly). I walked mile 4. At mile 6, I was caught by some guy who wanted ibuprofen. After Vineman I made sure that I had Ibu with me, so I handed him a tablet. We chatted for a while until it became obvious that we knew each other. It was Dennis from RST and Greg Pressler's friend. Dennis pulled me to the run turnaround by alternating running and walking. Dennis kept talking about his Run special needs bag that contained a pair of dry socks. I remembered that my SNB only had Gu.

[see Note to Self from Bike Special Needs bag section - vary the contents of the Special Needs Bag]]

My split time for the 13.1 miles to the turnaround was 3 hours even. My friend Bill ran into and out of the turnaround looking great. He had a mechanical on the bike that cost him almost an hour.

Then I remembered that I had also put a pair of dry socks in my special needs bag. In fact I had brought a pair to Canada just for this purpose. The socks were pretty old, so if I chose not to wear them it was no big deal if I lost them. I was so happy that I had remembered to put fresh socks into my Needs Bag. The socks would only provide a momentary relief, but that moment would be enough. I needed something to brighten my day.

Dennis and I sat down to open our special needs bags. We ripped off our shoes and wet socks. We opened our special needs bags. Dennis pulled out a pair of dry socks.

OOPS! I had forgotten to pack the socks. I put my sweaty socks and shoes back on. Putting wet, icky socks back on was not the most pleasant feeling. The delivery truck with the chicken soup stopped at the turnaround.

I originally had hoped to be off the course by the time the chicken soup hit the aid stations. I had never envisioned myself only being halfway through the run when the chicken soup came out. Oh well, here I was and the soup smelled good. I sipped a cup and almost hurled. What is manna from heaven for many triathletes just did not sit well with me - I gagged at the first sip.

We started back down the road toward Penticton. The sun was starting to set which meant that it would finally cool off. Ray was just climbing the hill to the turnaround. He was surprised that the turnaround had come so soon - he looked smooth in his running form - nice and steady.

For Dennis and I it was:

Run some.

Walk more.

I ate what little I could at the aid stations.

Ray caught up to us just as we caught up to Bill. Bill had looked great leaving the turnaround, but he was struggling through a low point now. The four of us marched slowly along - it was good to know that every step was bringing us back into town. After a while Bill perked up again, and he and Ray started jogging back to town. Dennis and I kept shuffling along. A mile or two later, Dennis ducked into a porta-potty and I just stopped by the side of the road - the first time that I had urinated in 12+ hours! Believe it or not it was a major mental boost. I had really been starting to worry about my kidneys.

It became apparent that Dennis had a lot more left in his legs than I did. I wished him luck as he disappeared around a corner. My feet were really starting to hurt. I did not have any blisters or abrasions, but it felt like someone had taken a meat tenderizer to the soles of my feet and my toes. I was almost hoping that a couple of my toes would just fall off so that they would not hurt anymore. I came around a corner and hit another aid station. On the other side of the aid station Ray and Bill were walking slowly. They had dropped their pace in order to wait for me - THANKS GUYS!!!!

At that point we were about 20 miles into the marathon. Two women came running by us like it was a 10K - I wondered where they got the energy from. A few seconds later about 4 guys caught us and they laid out their very detailed plan for breaking 14 hours. It is great to be at a race with sooooo many engineers - almost everyone is incredibly analytical. The plan was pretty simple - hold 11 minute miles and we would break 14 hours, but these guys had even calculated walking zones and rest stops..... To everyone we passed - two of the guys kept on saying - "hop on the 9:00 o'clock express. You can do it."

It turns out that the guys had also shared their plan with the two women who had run by like gazelles. The women had found something inside themselves and they chose to push it hard into town. Unfortunately we passed them about 1/2 mile later as they could not hold that pace that they had charged ahead with.. We left the water line of Skaha Lake and started climbing the rollers. I passed another guy and this time I looked back and saw a Tri-DRS singlet. I introduced myself and finally met Jay Capers.

The group of us was still shuffling along trying to hold 11 minute miles. The detail oriented engineer guys were still calculating our odds of breaking 14. I dropped off as we went through the Skaha rollers, but I was able to catch the group again on the downhills. Ray and Bill were feeling pretty good, so they pulled ahead. This left me with the two human calculators/cheerleaders. The guy on the right introduced himself. I was not hearing or concentrating very well so I thought that he said his name was "Ralph." He corrected me that his name was not "Ralph" but "Rolf" - even my feeble brain was able to decipher that I was running next the "Keeper of the IMC Lodging and Goal Times List" I introduced myself to Rolf Arands.

The guy on my left said "didn't I give you a sandwich at the bike Special Needs Bag?" It was John Welch of RST. He had saved me on the bike and he was trying to pull me in for a sub 14 hour finish.

As before - we were shuffling along - only we had picked up the pace to give ourselves a margin of error. We debated about how fast we were running

"do you think this is a 9 minute mile?" "I think it's more like an 8:30" "Yeah right, like we could run 8:30's right now?" "It sure feels like an 8:30"

We turned onto Main Street and hit the aid station. I had to walk and asked Rolf and John to run on. Rolf tried to talk me into running with them, but I was not up for it. The finish line was getting closer, but I was hurting too much - my feet were lodging a formal protest.

I kept trudging along on Main Street. The fans were incredibly helpful. An ironvet on a bike talked to me for over a block - he was very motivating. I promised him that I wouild run again when there were three stoplights to go. Hurricane Bob Mina passed me and I congratulated him. I started jogging again.

Two blocks from the Hog's Breath I picked up my pace. I ran (actually ran - not jogged) the last few yards of Main Street - high fiving the kids and cheering with the crowd. I could not believe that I was running. The left turn onto Lakeshore Drive was incredible. I ran hard to the finish line and crossed in 14:10:48.

I completed my goal. I had gone from couch to Canada in 10 months. I am an IRONMAN.

POST-RACE:

Two incredible volunteers escorted me from the finish line. Somehow I received my IMC towel, finisher's medal and T-shirt (the correct size - how do they do it?). The ladies escorted my to the line for the massage tent per my request - they stayed with me for several minutes until they were sure that I was OK - they brought me water and some chicken soup. The chicken soup actually tasted great. I had a great massage, and I walked back to the finish line to find my wife who was standing right next to the results tent. It was sooooo good to see her. I got my congratulatory hug (over the snow fence) and I heard how proud she was of my accomplishment. After a very long day that was filled with ups and downs it was very uplifting to hear her words.

I picked up my gear bags, changed into some dry clothes, had my finishers photo taken (remember to wear your finisher's shirt and medal - they look great in the photo), I soaked my legs in a hot tub, and I waited to no avail for some pizza. I then picked up my bike and Winter and I walked back to the Rochester. My eyes felt like they had a salt shaker dumped in them - I had to squint to see anything. Winter was hungry after waiting for me for several hours so we went to the Iguana for a bite - nothing else was open at 11:00pm. Fajitas in Canada are not what I am used to - what is a tomato tortilla anyhow???? My stomach was still in an act of rebellion so I took my meal home to eat the next day. We turned on Channel 11 to watch the 17 hour finishers - there was no way that I was going to make it back to the finish line. The fireworks (like the start cannon) went off a little early. I then realized why my eyes were barely open - I was EXHAUSTED. I passed out almost immediately.

THE DAYS AFTER

I awoke on Monday feeling hungry (finally). My stomach was still a little tender, but I managed to eat.

I was happy to have completed my first IM in such difficult conditions, but I was frustrated that I had fallen apart during the race. 14 hours was much longer than what I had hoped to do.

I contemplated IMC '99. My legs hurt, my stomach still ached and I had not totalled the bills for the cost of IMC '98. I did not want to come back to Penticton again in '99. Then I thought twice - this race has the best organization and volunteers of any race that I have ever done. I want to do better than a 14 hour IM. In a month I would be ready to contemplate IMC '99, but I would not have a month to decide. I chose to submit my application for '99.

The rest of the day was a blur - finisher's merchandise, results book (Vineman and Wildflower's took about 3 months to arrive - IMC's was complete with pictures in about 10 hours), awards ceremony, shopping, packing, meeting friends, handing my bike off to Ray for the drive home. soon it was Tuesday morning and time to fly home.

Back home I evaluated the race. In Penticton, surrounded by IronVets, my finish did not look to stellar. As I reread my goals for the race and talked to non-triathletes I started thinking clearly again:

I have completed every one of my IMC '98 goals.

I am an Ironman.

I am not the same person that I was 10 months ago and I am very, very happy that I did what had to be done in order to finish.

To every IronVirgin out there - good luck training for your goals, and be sure to remember what your goals are!!!!

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