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starglow-xx · 3 years

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hello! may i request headcanons for chuuya having a crush on someone who's dense? like he could ask them out in the most straightforward way possible and it would still go over their head?

yes, yes of course you may!

sorry this took so long! my computer was out of commission for abt a week (or two..??)

but this is also my birthday writing piece for chuuya!! (4/29/21) i even added a small drabble thingy in addition to the hcs for the occasion hehe

from where i am, it is about fifteen minutes past midnight so it’s officially chuuya day here!!

happy birthday chuuya i love you! you deserve the whole world and everyone is willing to fight tooth and nail to ensure your happiness! we love you! 💗💗

anyways, i hope you all enjoy this! i kinda had some writer’s block but it was still a lot of fun to write! there might be some mistakes, but i’ll scan over it again later. reader is gender neutral! have fun!

chuuya having a crush on a dense! reader

nakahara chuuya x gn! reader

im cackling somebody help him

he’s frustrated bc you can’t take a hint or a thousand but he can’t even be mad bc he’s whipped

“look at you all dressed up today, wanna go out later? my treat?”

“oh really? thanks chuuya-san! you’re such a nice friend. i’ll go invite the others right now, i’ll see you later!”

“...”

fast forward to later in the evening and he finds himself at a little restaurant with the black lizard + higuchi and akutagawa

sigh

in unison all of them go, “thank you for the meal chuuya-san!” (except aku and hirotsu are quieter & and gin just a nods hehe)

“no problem” (ꐦ ´͈ ᗨ `͈ )

gin only pats him on the back in sympathy

he spends a lot of time trying to think of ways to make it absolutely and undeniably clear that he has feelings for you

he always fails

“(y/n) i like you”

“i like you too chuuya-san”

“really?”

“mhm”

“t-then will you—”

“you’re a really great friend! and superior too”

“...nevermind”

“oh were you saying something?”

“nah, just forget about it”

tachihara is laughing in the corner of the corridor

dont worry, chuuya made sure to get back at him

chuuya’s been pinning after you for years and frankly, his failed attempts to woo you has lead everyone to the breaking point

and i mean everyone

yes, even aku

hell even dazai

but dazai also thinks it’s funny, so he doesn’t mind all that much

okay bye bye dazai-san this headcanon set isn’t abt you rn

PLEASE EVERYONE FEELS SO BAD FOR HIM

they knew even if he kissed you, you still might not get it

so they decided to help him

super secret mission get chuuya and (y/n) together is a go!

they’re still working on a proper mission name, don’t mind them

they had a super secret strategy meeting!

you can bet your ass that they nearly got nothing done

akutagawa & kaiji weren’t much help, neither was higuchi, mori, or elise

tachihara nearly got killed for a thoughtless comment

“just tell them chuuya-san!”

“i already fucking did you ass!”

gin, hirotsu, and kouyou were the most helpful !!

hirotsu and kouyou both agreed on the idea that chuuya should try courting with bouquets of flowers instead of flat out asking you bc they knew you found them pretty

(even if you don’t identify as a female, flowers are for everyone no matter gender or sexuality! so let’s normalize giving flowers to everyone <33 )

gin didn’t speak but she used cards to communicate

everyone knew that you weren’t stupid (you wouldn’t have survived in the mafia if you were) but they did know that you were only stupid when it came to all this lovey dovey stuff

i mean, if chuuya gave you flowers every so often, there’s no way that you wouldn’t piece it together at some point

right...??

but kouyou assured him that even though you wouldn’t get it right away, you’d appreciate the gestures and that he’ll stand out more

she even said that if someone gave her flowers, she would appreciate it, whether or not she reciprocated their feelings

it takes guts to be so up front with your feelings after all

gin and hirotsu only nodded with her explanation

once again, this only provoked a reaction out of tachihara

“what do you know gin? i get the old man and kouyou-san, they’re grown, but you? what do you know abt courting? or flowers? what are you a girl?”

akutagawa choked on his cough, higuchi on air, and on the other side of yokohoma at the ada, dazai is cackling

yes, dazai somehow placed a listening device onto chuuya’s hat and was listening in

don’t ask how, it’s dazai

“DAZAI GET YOUR BANDAGED ASS OFF THE COUCH AND STOP LAUGHING”

anyways

the next day, chuuya did what was barely discussed and for once, things actually started to look up

until they started look to down again

at first, it actually looked like you understood his intentions after he gave you a bouquet of flowers

literally everyone was leaning against the opposite hallway you two were in and then they got excited !!

especially chuuya !

but then your expression sort of changed...??

and then in their heads they simultaneously went, “oh no”

they knew that expression

it was very familiar when you tended to friend zone chuuya

but boy let me tell you what you said next made them facepalm and or make their jaws drop

“ah, so you really are friend zoning me huh chuuya-san; what a shame, i really did like you”

LEMME TELL YOU WHEN I SAY THAT CHUUYA WAS DISTRESSED I MEAN HE WAS DISTRESSED

you liked him??

him of all people??

he wasn’t complaining, no of course not, but he still couldn’t believe it

but that wasn’t what he was really focusing on right now

what in any form or language did it say he was friend zoning you?!

flower language apparently

chuuya chose to buy the bouquet of yellow roses, pink carnations, and yellow carnations bc he thought you would appreciate the brighter colors, and so that you’d remember them better (because remembering them, meant remembering him)

but ooh boy

altogether, they meant the exact opposite message he wanted to send

someone help him pls

“you see chuuya-san, yellow roses mean friendship, pink carnations mean gratitude, and yellow carnations mean rejection; sooo in a nutshell, these pretty much say ‘thank you for being my friend, but im rejecting you”

no one can tell if tachihara is crying or wheezing

and dazai is having the time of his life

yes, he started listening in on him again

and chuuya is just stunned

like speechless and unmoving stunned

is he just bad at this whole courting/dating thing?? it’s only been one day and of it and somehow he was the one doing the rejecting??

“thank you for the flowers chuuya-san, i’ll be going now; i’ll make sure to let this affect our friendship. i’ll see you tomorrow!”

you passed by the not so subtle group of people

“tachihara-kun..?? are you alright?”

just for context, he was leaning his forehead against the wall using his forearm

again, it was hard to tell whether he was crying or wheezing

“i-im okay (y/n)-san...i think c-chuuya-san has it worse than me”

“...okay..?”

BACK TO CHUUYA

he’s still frozen poor baby

but it’s okay bc after like 5 more seconds he’s chasing you down the hallway you were walking in

kouyou, with a knowing smile on her face, ushers everyone away towards the opposite direction

she received some whines (ahem, tachihara and mori) but silenced them by summoning golden demon

but it’s okay

if they run fast enough, they can see what happens through the security cameras

chuuya caught up with you and tried to explain everything but he was exhausted

emotionally, physically (bc since when did you walk that fast??), and generally just tired with the whole situation

he just wanted to call you his; was that too much to ask??

as explosive as he can be, he can be calm and collected too

and he really did try to be that way as he talked with you but it was very difficult at the moment

the dumbfounded and confused look on your face his face twitch with annoyance and his heart started beating faster bc god you were cute

BUT THATS BESIDES THE POINT RIGHT NOW

thank goodness after what seemed like years, you finally somewhat understood what happened

you didn’t understand completely but it was something

The two of you stood in the middle of the unusually empty hallway facing each other, you with the bouquet still in hand. It was quiet as you and Chuuya assessed the situation.

You looked at him skeptically and he stared right back you with his gorgeous blue eyes.

“...So you do like me Chuuya-san??”

“Yes”

“And you were trying to court me just now, not friend zone me??”

“Yes”

You got most of your questions out of the way, but there was something that you’ve been wondering about for quite a while.

“...So you’re not gay for Dazai-san??”

“Yes, im not wait—GAY FOR DAZAI?? THAT MACKEREL??”

Chuuya did a double take. What in heavens name made it seem like he liked that suicidal maniac?? Why would he choose him if he had you?

Like he would choose him anyways; or ever consider him as a possible romantic partner.

“Oh, so you are?”

“NO! I SAID I LIKED YOU DIDN’T I?”

“Well yeah, but I thought you liked Dazai-san too. As annoying as he is, he can be quite charming—”

He was out of patience at this point (nope definitely not because you were talking about Dazai who told you that?) and just decided to kiss you.

You immediately melted into the kiss and kissed him back with the same amount of love and feeling.

Letting the bouquet fall to the ground, you wrapped you arms around his neck and his put his on your lower back and brought you closer to him. After a few more moments, the two of you broke apart for air.

The two of you, slightly out of breath, leaned your foreheads against each other and just basked in each others presence.

Chuuya looked into your (e/c) eyes and asked you just a little bit above a whisper, “Now do you get my intentions and feeling?”

You blinked at him before breaking out into a grin, “Hmm I’m not sure; do you wanna do that again Chuuya?”

The red head only blinked back at you before rolling his eyes, a smile present on his handsome features, his heart fluttering at you using his name with the honorific.

“Dumbass”

Smiling cheekily at him, you pressed a kiss on his cheek and started dragging him towards the lobby to take a walk around the building perimeter, knowing that the two of you can’t be too far from work.

The way down to the lobby was mostly in comfortable silence until you said something that made Chuuya want to bash his head against the wall.

“You know, you could’ve just told me you liked me Chuuya. It’s not like I would’ve said no.”

Once again, as the rest of the more power mafia members watch from security cameras, it is hard to tell whether Tachihara is crying or wheezing of laughter.

omake !!

The two of you just started making your way around the building when suddenly a very familiar voice came from Chuuya’s prized hat.

“Chuuyaaaa!! It was about time you stopped being a chicken, Chibi!”

Removing his hat from his head, he started yelling at it not knowing exactly where the listening device was planted.

“TEME! HOW DID YOU—”

“And (y/n)! I would congratulate you, but I think I would rather offer you my condolences. Why him?! He’s just a slimy slug. OOH OOH how would you like to join me in a double suicide?! A shame it won’t be a lover’s suicide but it’ll annoy Chuuya so I think it’ll be worth it! ”

“YOU—”

“And please don’t kiss while I’m listening in. You made me lose my appetite! And it was such a shame! I was eating crab using Kunikida-kun’s money! Do you know what you’ve cost me?!”

“DAZAI YOU PIECE OF—”

“Ah! Kunikida-kun is here! I have to go!”

You can hear something is the background that vaguely sounds like, “DAZAI YOU WASTE OF BANDAGES STOP USING MY MONEY”

“DAZAI DON’T YOU DARE LEAVE IM NOT DONE WITH—”

*Click!*

The click sound from the hat revealed that Dazai disconnected.

Chuuya twitched and glared furiously at his signature hat hating that the voice he hated the most came out of it.

“Aww, I didn’t get to talk to Dazai-san”

Chuuya whipped his head towards you, a look of mock (or real) betrayal showing on his features.

You laughed at him before taking the hat out of his hands and placing it on his head.

He shyly looked away before muttering a thanks making you smile wider. Just as the two of you were about to start walking, a small explosion erupted from his hat; it was likely that Dazai made the listening device self destruct.

“DAZAI YOU BASTARDD”

At the Armed Detective Agency, a certain suicidal maniac hid from the wrath of his current partner as he thought about the wrath his old one.

“Hmmm I wonder if Chuuya would finally stop wearing his ugly hats if I blow all of them up...”

as always, reblogs and shares are appreciated! i hope you all stay safe! and just in case nobody told you they loved you today, i love you! you are enough! <3

writing belongs to me! please do not plagiarize! the reblog button is there for a reason

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mintandcoldwater · 3 years

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So…do you guys know The Nanny? As in,,, this sitcom?

Well that, but make it Bakugou.

The Nanny Bakugou HC

NatsuBaku (Also?!?! currently there are 27 Bakugou/Natsuo fics on AO3 and only around 16 are like actual full stories (by that I mean not only PWP, or incomplete) Therefore, it’s is my DUTY to provide more. I just feel it in my bones.)

Bakugou being a nanny hired by one Todoroki brother (here it’s Natsuo) for their oc!kids

So, on a streak of bad luck Bakugou loses his job, his boyfriend broke up with him, said boyfriend also kicked him out, so there goes his living situation too. He ended up taking the nanny job to fix the living situation, and to also give him something to work with while he sorts out everything for the other job he wants.

So, Natsuo has three kids. Your typical lineup (idk if there’s actually a typical line up of kids shh), a teen, a preteen and a toddler basically. Or maybe whatever you call that age where they’re older than a toddler but not preteen as yet. The age when they still like stickers. Anyway.

The oldest is his daughter. Because being the eldest daughter is A Struggle that I can write from the sole of my feet to the end of my hair follicles.

The middle… Wait middle should be twins.

They should be twins if only for a scene where Bakugou can tell them a part when Natsuo’s girlfriend can’t. Hahaha.

The last child is an toddler who doesn’t like anyone and always cries but is really calm around Bakugou.

The kids all end up loving Bakugou but it takes them a while to Get There. Except the last one. The toddler loves him immediately.

So naturally, when Bakugou first arrives they try to drive him away. They make everything harder for him, from making food, to driving them places, to letting him know how the things around the house work or where stuff is supposed to go. Even purposefully messes up his schedules so he always has to rush when it comes to getting them to things. But if they think they can out stubborn Bakugou??? They got another thing coming.

He curses them every single step of the way, but he does not quit. Nope. Cue a typical scene where they bond because Bakugou helps one of the twins with their homework, and the other is like ‘don’t side with the enemy!!’ but eventually they get won over too when Bakugou starts kinda being an asshole to them too. Not really malicious, just doing little things that makes all their little pranks difficult for them instead.

Now I want to to figure out if their other parent is 1. Dead. 2. Alive but doesn’t really care for them. 3. Cares for them but is busy

none of these options include them still being with Natsuo

Dead can fit so much trauma, but the idea of the other parent mistaking Katsuki for Natsuo’s new partner when he isn’t tickles my brain so hard,,,, the other parent is around but they’re distant it is.

The other parent : Doesn’t really care for the kids, doesn’t even want them really. Just paying their money and leaving.

The only argument the twins have is over the other parent. One of them can’t help but miss them while the other just really hates them.

One of the twins invited the other parent to a rehearsal, recital whatever the fuck you want to call it and they didn’t show up but guess who did??? Bakugou. Idc if it’s cliché, I. Do. NOT!! Embrace the cliché.

Bakugou brings them flowers and they both get little charm bracelets with something special to a moment each of them had with him.

Bakugou gets the other job and it’s a teaching job. Before he like, fully here goes though he has to be on a temporary course thing, and who goes to said school? The daughter.

*slaps top of chemistry teacher headcanon* “So many awkward bonding moments can fit in this baby!”

She’s struggling in school? She fears bullied? She has a completely different persona from when she’s at home because she’s uncomfortable with herself/around her ‘friends’ and uses it as a way to cope? Oh my god, she has a completely different persona from when she’s at home because she’s uncomfortable with herself/around her ‘friends’ and uses it as a way to cope. *sobs* so many bonding moments.

Now. His relationship with Natsuo. So much teasing.

So cheesy too.

Natsuo who has more time to eat with the family now that Katsuki is around.

Who had time to go to parks, or sit in the garden outside

Who had time to watch cartoons on Saturdays with the twins

And the always eat breakfast together .

Whenever Natsuo brings home work, Bakugou lounges in his office and works in whatever he has too.

He listen to Natsuo complain about his coworkers and tell Natsuo about whatever dumb things his friends did/were trying to pull him into or complain about teaching

Natsuo always brings home a pastry from the bakery by his office for Katsuki because according to Natsuo they were the ‘best bakery to ever exist’ but according to Bakugou the goods were ‘subpar at best and I could totally make better’ and he wanted to find one that Bakugou liked so that Bakugou would finally bake him something

Bakugou kinda hated Natsuo at first, because he knows all about shitty parents that don’t give their children the time of day, but he eventually sees that Natsuo is trying his hardest and is here for them in all the ways that matter, so <3 (he also said to himself that the family dynamics wasn’t his business and that he wasn’t going to judge. But there he was, judging, judgingly)

Bakugou falls asleep one night with the kids on the sofa while reading them a book(like a novel novel) (yes even the eldest, she like making fun of his exaggeration/taking turns reading parts) and when Natsuo comes home he just…stops and looks at them.

Consider Natsuo having an emotional freak out and projecting onto Bakugou because the baby’s first word was ‘papa’ but they weren’t looking at Natsuo when they said it. (yeah, one year old still counts as a toddler right? I dont think that's late for your first word?? Is it? I’ll look it up later)

He spends so much time over thinking it and thinking about how much he doesn’t hate it a single bit that he ends up fighting with Bakugou and basically firing him.

And the twins get really upset with him. Visibility upset. He thinks his daughter is fine, because she doesn’t complain or even say anything because #eldestdaughterthings but he hears her crying one night on the phone with Bakugou.

Now, everyone is sad and a bit stand-offish, the baby is crying more often, and he misses Bakugou and everyone else misses him too and it’s a mess.

… they get together when the other parent comes for their like,,, check in, pay confirmation, idk I’ll make up something, and then they ask Natsuo where his ‘little boyfriend is’. After Natsuo clarifies that they’re not dating, never were, and that Bakugou is not here they say something like ‘what a shame. love looked good on you.’ or something to that effect, I don’t know the words right now, just the vibe.

(I totally forgot about the girlfriend I mentioned earlier so yeah, this was where he finally saw that he needed to break up with her, she already saw it coming, pain, bless her heart)

Anyway. Natsuo going to find Bakugou and there is some cursing, some tears, well deserved use of the term ‘fucking idiot’, maybe a bit of time and space(?) and finally *plays It’s Quiet Uptown* ‘forgiveness. Can you imagine?’.

Welp, that's the main plot! Writing will definitely include more characters (Fuyumi, Shoto, my loves, I’m looking at you) and what not. I’ll get on it right after I finish the next few chapters of the BakuMomo friendship fic i have going on.

#I saw this entire thing in my head like a movie #i thought this was a lot while writing it but seeing it all in one place it's really not #or maybe it's because i started on mobile and finished on desktop wtv #I didn’t stop for a second to read anything so any errors are your problem not mine #shhh just enjoy the rare pair #minty hc #minty natsubaku hc #natsubaku #mha natsuo #mint fic #todoroki natsuo #bakugou katsuki #bakugou headcanons #Todoroki Natsuo headcanon #Natsuo headcanon #bnha #boku no hero academia #mha #my hero academia

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dreamteamfanblog · 4 years

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You guys might disagree with me, but I fully believe Dream’s apology was genuine.

I mean, for starters, the fact that he apologized in the first place is proof he was actually sorry. Because the truth is, this whole situation wouldn’t have had a very big impact on his career even if he dug his heels in and insisted he was in the right. All his friends would have kept on supporting him, maybe even would have told him he was right. He wouldn’t have lost many subs over the whole situation. Overall Dream would have been mostly fine if he let the whole thing just blow over. But he didn’t. Dream came out and apologized for what he did even when his reputation wouldn’t have suffered to massively otherwise. In fact, by apologizing on twitch he was probably bringing more attention to the situation than it would have gotten if it had just stayed on twitter in the first place. I mean, even throughout the stream, the chat was spammed with nothing but support. People saying Dream was right or that twitter is just toxic, etc, etc. So yeah, the fact that Dream felt the need to apologize for his actions even when he wasn’t technically required to? It shows that he does know he was in the wrong.

Not only that, but he didn’t allow dono’s. Which is honestly more than I can say for a lot of Youtubers during their own apology videos. You see Youtubers and streamers constantly monetizing apologies. Dream could have monetized the whole stream, got a little out of it. But he didn’t, and that reads as very respectful to me.

Starting from the beginning of his explanation, I see a lot of people who ‘aren’t buying’ the idea that the war cry was a Spongebob reference. Which...I don’t really understand. I mean, to be honest, there’s no reason not to think the original incident was just a mistake and nothing more. He was referencing a scene from a dumb kids cartoon. The show was wrong for including the ‘war cry’, Dream was not originally wrong for not realizing. Just the other day a friend of mine did the same thing, as a reference to Spongebob. So I honestly don’t get where the idea comes from that Dream’s story isn’t believable? Especially since, if he knew the questionable story behind the whole thing, why would he have done the ‘war cry’ on stream?

Secondly, a lot of people aren’t entirely happy that Dream cited death threats and doxxing as the cause of his angry tweets. I understand how it could be seen as shifting blame. But it wasn’t. Honestly, if Dream hadn’t explained that he was reacting to threatening messages and not polite explanations when he made that tweet, people would be demanding to know why he reacted so violently to polite criticism. It was important to know what exactly triggered that reaction from him. And he didn’t waste much time on that detail. Sure, Dream mentioned it, but the brief mentions of the awful messages he was getting were sandwitched by apologies for saying something offensive and for blowing up over twitter. Legitimate, genuine apologies where he admitted he was wrong and that he shouldn’t have done what he did. Every time Dream pushed any blame onto hate messages, he pulled it right back onto himself not long after. It wasn’t an excuse for his actions, it was an explanation for his actions. Dream wasn’t trying to absolve himself of any wrongdoing, he never tried to insinuate that it wasn’t really his fault. Telling us why he did something is fine during an apology as long as it doesn’t turn into telling us that he was right for what he did. Which it didn’t.

Then there’s the question of weather it takes away from his apology that he moved on to a different subject so quick and cracked some jokes here and there. Now, I don’t actually think this was in good taste. I feel like he should have ended the stream after the apology and made a new one if he wanted to do something more lighthearted after. However I don’t think his apology is any less genuine for it. Dream seems like the kind of person who doesn’t like to be vulnerable. He keeps most of his personal information private, rarely discusses anything serious, and didn’t even show his own best friend what he looks like until four years into their friendship. Dream clearly doesn’t like to put everything out there. So of course, discussing such a serious issue? It must have been...difficult to say the least. And some people cope with being uncomfortable with comedy. It’s not exactly a good or healthy coping mechanism, especially when you’re offering somebody an apology. Because it can make you seem less genuine. But having that negative coping mechanism doesn’t actually mean you didn’t care or weren’t genuine, it just means you’re uncomfortable being open and vulnerable. So yes, maybe he should have put more focus onto the apology. Maybe he should have made his feelings clearer. But he managed to push aside his discomfort for long enough to get the point across and I can respect that much. Because despite the more lighthearted behavior that popped up every once in a while, he was obviously guilty and kinda nervous, and that made it so obvious that he wasn’t lying when he said he was sorry.

Then there’s the content of his actual apology itself. First off he specified what he did and why he reacted so rudely on twitter, which I already talked about earlier. “I lash out, and that’s what I probably shouldn’t do” he continues. “My first reaction is to attack back, and then I step back and realize i’m being harsh. That’s something i’ve always done. So i’m sorry regarding that. I did not mean to offend anybody”. And honestly, that’s something that I understand. I think it’s natural for a lot of people to go on the offensive when they’re faced with any level of hate. It’s a completely understandable reaction. However, that doesn’t make it an okay reaction. And I think, had Dream refused to recognize that he was in the wrong for lashing out, his apology would be harder for me to side with him on. However he didn’t do that. Despite the reasons Dream gave for why he did and said what he did and said, he still admitted, plain and simple, that he shouldn’t have done it. That he was the one who was wrong. That he’s sorry. And that’s how you know he wasn’t using his explanation as an excuse. Because he was still willing to admit that ultimately it was him who was wrong. “Obviously I don’t mean that towards people who are genuinely just trying to help people that are oppressed, or help people that are actually upset- that are mad about something that i’ve said or done- so i’m genuinely sorry for saying that, I was being an asshole, and I do that sometimes, and I have to learn from that and try not to.” Multiple times, Dream acknowledges why he said what he did. That it was his initial defensive reaction when people were threatening to come to his house (shortly after he was doxxed), and his initial defensive reaction was wrong. He knows it was wrong and he wants to learn to stop. Maybe he could have worded his apology better, maybe he could have scripted it beforehand, maybe he could have dragged it out and pulled out the fake tears. Dream probably could have done a lot of things to make the apology more sympathetic or more likely to be accepted. But overall, even with the stammering and occasional poor wording he used, you can tell that Dream is trying his best and is legitimately apologetic. “i dont want people to be afraid of calling me out for being an ass. i’m sure i made the person who made that original thread feel invalidated by saying the things i said, but i wasn’t trying to, i was just getting harassed by people that weren’t that person. that person had completely good intentions by making the original thread about native americans and they had really good intentions to make sure that their culture wasn’t being appropriated and that their culture doesn’t disappear, and that is 100% good. and theyre a good person for doing that. i wasn’t saying ‘f off’ to them.i want my content to be a safe space. i hope i can learn and reflect. im not perfect, i can always learn and be a better person, and i will try.“ he says later on.

I do get the feeling that Dream isn’t completely educated on the topic at hand. Obviously. He’s from a very conservative state where he won’t have been taught all these things (I sure wasn’t where I live). He doesn’t completely know what he’s doing when it comes to how to handle minorities, but I really, truly think he’s working hard to figure it out. He’s trying his best and I can’t help being a little proud of him for that because I remember when I was in the same position he was, with some kinda gross views on things and not much clue how to change that. But I tried, and I like to think I got a lot better, and I know he can too. It seems like he wants to.

No Native Americans have any obligation to accept his apology. What he did was offensive and ignorant and if you were hurt by his actions then there’s no reason you should have to just get over it. I will never try to force anyone to accept an apology that they don’t want to accept. And it’s not my place to accept that apology for you. However, I feel like I can safely say, as someone who’s done similarly dumb things to him years ago and who grew up in an environment similar to the one in the state he lives, that I wholeheartedly believe he was being genuine, for whatever that’s worth.

#dreamwastaken #dream team #mcyt

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what-the--curtains · 3 years

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Alliance

Chapter 9 – The Hunt

(Mando x f!reader)

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Summary: After recovering you set off to find the man who tried to kill you. Killing him proves to be more difficult than expected when the ones you love are threatened, and on the other side of the choice, your own future.

Authors note: One more chapter to go!! Some angst at the end here! Hope y’all enjoy ❤️❤️❤️! (I also did some very average fan art if y’all haven’t seen it yet!)

Tw: sex is alluded to (not depicted), decapitation, force choke

Word count: 4.9k

Tagged list: @crazycookiecrumbles, @seninjakitey

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The planet proved harder to find than expected, despite Anya's best efforts, something was fogging up her tracking causing your coordinates to be constantly in flux. She’d easily lead you past the outer rim, but since then it had been akin to a wild goose chase.

“Any idea who tried to kill you.” Din asks, he'd been exceptionally patient throughout the journey thus far. Never questioning your methods just typing in the new location coordinates calmly and re aligning the ship on its new course.

“Did kill me” you correct, as your hand moves absentmindedly over the healed wound. “but no, I dont. They had a lightsaber though”

“Was it a Jedi?” he asks earnestly.

“Well based on the context clues, I'd definitely say at least Jedi adjacent” you laugh, for a savvy strategist who knew multiple languages you sometimes found yourself questioning if his brain was in fact functioning.

“Why would a Jedi try and kill you?”

“Your guess is as good as mine”

“How do they decide on colors?” He asks after a somewhat awkward silence

“Hmmm” you hum out in confusion, only half paying attention to what he had said.

“The light swords? Ashoka's are blue, yours is purple and the figures, well there's was red” your heart stops.

“It was red?” you ask, sitting up in your seat giving him your undivided attention.

“Ya does that mean something?” He watches your eyes slowly piecing together what he'd just told you.

“That’s impossible, the Sith were defeated. They died with the emperor.” you affirm, your sure red was a common colour used by Jedi nowadays, sure no one had ever seen one before, but there was a first time for everything right?

“So were the Jedi.” he points out.

“Do you always have to be right?” you ask slightly irritated for a reason you couldn’t quite explain. He doesn't respond; he knows a rhetorical question when he hears one but unsure what he had done to upset you. An uncomfortable silence lingers in the air, a sensation you'd never experienced with the Mandalorian before. Not wanting to stew in the quiet you head down to the lower levels and try and calm your frazzled mind. Sitting down you cross your legs, one over the other, as you close your eyes.

On the best of days meditating was a chore, but under the current situation it had become an impossible task. It wasn’t the threat of being ambushed that had you distracted, no something else was playing heavily on your mind. It was what was causing the punctuated silences, forced conversation and overall awkwardness in the atmosphere. It was your own doing. Seriously, who kisses a man whose face they've never seen! Idiots that's who and now it was stuck on your mind. In your defense you thought you wouldn't have to deal with the fallout so quickly. You should have known he’d have insisted on going with you, but you hadn't thought that far ahead, or at all and now you had to sit with the fact that you’d possibly ruined your comfortable friendship by planting one on him. Technically it wasn’t a real kiss,or maybe it was, how did Mandalorians kiss anyways? There you were down the rabbit hole again, this is why you couldn't focus, you curse yourself. Shaking your head you remind yourself it was only done in an attempt to get around him, a strategic move to protect the group, nothing more, nothing less. Keeping that in mind you manage to focus and you feel the galaxy's pulse emitting throughout the ship, inhaling and exhaling with the undulations around you.

Din, bored and missing the usually witty banter you offered him, decided it was time for him to clear the air in regards to the kiss. He hopes by telling you that he knew it was only done to get around him, you’d become more relaxed. The last thing he wanted was for you to be uncomfortable around him. He knew you'd never want to be with someone like him, at least in that way. As he turns around he sees you cross legged floating in the air, not wanting to interrupt he heads back up. Anya lifts her head as he re-enters, looking at him as if she knew what he was thinking. He’ll clear the air with you later, the two of you had plenty of time to talk.

You curse as your journey gets rerouted for what had to be the twelfth time in the past two days. Whoever was hunting you did not want to be found and no amount of swearing or whacking the console would change that. The closer you got to your destination the more you felt the malevolent presence grow. You found yourself wondering if it had always been with you, finding it hard to remember a time when it wasn't gnawing at your conscience. Each time you feel it scratching at your doors you remember Ashoka's words “be careful who you let into your head.” You'd made that mistake once with devastating consequences. You would not be making it again. Your energy was now primarily being spent keeping the presence at bay, not allowing it to penetrate any deeper than it already had. Sleeping only acted as an open invitation for the figure to torture you so you opted to forgo it altogether. Perhaps not the wisest decision, but what other choice did you have.

“The planet’s still a few days away.” Din says, noting the unraveled look in your eyes as you take your place next to him.

“Anything to do on this ship.” You ask, fidgeting in your seat. “like games or something” he doesn't respond “Hey beskar head! You awake under that helmet?”. You ask partially joking, partially annoyed that he wasn't talking to you.

“Yes.”

“Yes to games or yes to being awake?”

“To games” you smile, you never knew if he was actually making jokes or if you were just reading into it. The finer details of his personality artfully hidden beneath the metal exterior.

“Got Dejarik, you know how to play?” he asks, glad that you were back to yourself for the time being.

“I'm alright” you say smiling, you were better than alright, at least you think. To be fair you'd only ever played against one person and she was family and probably inclined to letting you win.

“You're cheating!” he exclaims, his annoyance apparent even through the modulator. Your skills were better than you expected especially after all those years, well either that or the Mandalorian was just that bad.

“How?” you ask, laughing at how frustrated he was getting. It was funny when you beat him the second time, but by gods it was even funnier when you beat him the seventh time.

“The force!” He says clenching his hand as he stares down at the board.

“I don't think the force bothers itself with helping me beat you at Dejarik.” you point out, as he grumbles something indistinguishable.

“Maybe you're just not as good as you think you are.” You tease pointing your finger at him eyebrows raised and a smirk plastered on your face.

“That’s not what I’ve been told,” he responds.

“About Dejarik or?” he laughs it off, but you seriously wanted to know the answer. After Cara told you he was allowed to have sex it was a question that you’d thought about a lot, more than you probably should have, but hey you were curious. Realizing the Mandalorian was now turning the game board over to see if it was rigged, you decide to change games.

“You still got that indestructible spear. The beskar one?” you ask nonchalantly.

“Yes, not something i'm planning on losing” he nods

“Fancy a match?” you offer you needed to work on your fighting skills, practicing on the air only went so far.

“Only if you promise not to slice through my ship.” He says, standing up.

“Only if you promise not to cry when I beat you.” you return causing him to scoff

“Oh im not going to be the one crying” he assures.

You stand in the ship's far corner across from Din who haphazardly twirls the spear in his hand as you open up your saber, raising it waiting for him to make the first move. He stays his ground, you and him were both defensive fighters and you knew he was far too stubborn to change his routine. Leaping forward you land in front of him, your saber making contact with the spear. After a few seconds spent testing his strength you know there's no feasible way for you to out muscle him. You'd have to out maneuver him. He’d seen you fight stronger opponents before so you’d have to think outside the box on this one. You move out from under the spear the release of your counter force causing Din to stumble forward. You turn aiming for his shin, but his arm reaches back the spear stopping your hit from connecting with his armour. You circle round him so you're once again face to face giving him enough time to stand back up. He turns quickly, swinging the spear as he does, aiming for your waist. You jump over the swipe landing behind him, hitting him in the back.

“Point to me.” you say

“No using the force” he says, turning to look down at you, his presence suddenly looming.

“I wasn't, I can just jump really high!” You lie.

“Likely story” he says brushing past you as he moves back to his starting spot

“What was that I said about crying earlier?” you question.

He's got you talking too long and he sweeps your feet out from under you knocking you on your ass and gently tapping you on the head with the spear.

“Point me” he says, offering you his hand.

“That was dirty” you say as he hoists you up.

“Who says we're playing clean sweetheart?” The term catches both of you off guard, but he's flustered himself more than you, allowing you to land the next two points.

“Hope your ego isn't too hurt darling.” you mock back at him as metal and light collide once again.

“It’s not over yet” he says, using all his strength to march you back towards the wall pinning you against it with his spear.

“You need to work on your attack, you leave a lot open” he says, breathing heavily.

“You need to work on a codpiece, it leaves a lot open” you retort, kneeing him in the groin, hard enough for him to drop you, but not so hard that it kept him down for long.

“Not enough beskar” he murmurs, hoping to get the last word in.

“Oh big brag for a man who just lost several games of Dejarik in a row and” your sentence is cut short as the spear taps the small of your back giving him the winning point

“And what?”

“Oh real classy Din, can’t win a fair fight” you say hand on your hip.

“It was fair considering I wasn't going 100%”

‘Oh you weren't” you mock, the smile telling him you were amused and not upset by his antics, the gentle slap on his arm further verifying this. The moments like this were nice, but as you continue to gain on your target they became fleeting. The Mandalorian watches as your ability to focus waivers, your frustration becoming increasingly evident in your training. Miraculously, you hadn't sliced through anything important, but the ship’s interior was constantly needing to be patched up. At least it kept him occupied and out of your hair. You looked like you were fighting a hidden battle, one he would gladly fight with you, if you'd let him. He didn’t know the full extent of your struggle, but he knew the anger he felt simmering inside you wasn't being aided by your refusal to sleep.

Your irritability, although caused by exerting tremendous energy keeping the figure at bay, was no excuse for the times you had lashed out at the Mandalorian. The most recent outburst occurred when he'd stepped on your foot after you had explicitly told him to watch out. In hindsight, threatening to melt his beskar down and turn it into a hearing aid for him so he could stop being such a nerf herder was a touch harsh. Alright, incredibly harsh especially considering he'd attempted to apologize before you went off on him.

“Sorry I threatened the beskar” you murmur sitting down next to him

“Are you going to tell me what's going on?” he asks

“Going on where” you ask

“Well it can't just be air in your head” he jokes, causing you to laugh for the first time in a few days.

“Seriously though , I'm sorry Ive been out of line, and it's not fair on you, you’ve been so understanding.”

“You know what might help with the outbursts?”

“A lecture?” you remark, your tone harsher than intended

“No, sleep, you should try it sometime”

“I'm fine without it” you say, the yawn escaping your lips contradicting your words.

“You should sleep.”

“ You don’t.” you remark hoping to catch him off guard, but he's obviously rehearsed this conversation a few times.

“ I don’t need to.”

“Neither do I.” You lie, almost a year later and you still had no idea how he slept so little, though your current working theory was that he would just take naps under the helmet when he thought he could get away with it.

“No, you can't sleep, there's a distinct difference.”

Not wanting to lash out at him for the third time that day and knowing he was right, you make a swift exit. You push the button that opens up to the tight sleeping quarters where you'd spent many hours lying awake. You were hoping that you'd reached an exhaustion point where your body would just shut down. You lay back on the bed not bothering with the covers, you weren't expecting to get comfortable. Anya had stopped trying to sleep in the same bed as you, usually getting inadvertently kicked or shoved out the bed by your constant movements. Your eyes can’t have been closed for more than a minute when they snap open. Despite their alertness your body's gone limp. What fresh hell was this? As your eyes adjust to the darkness you can only just make out the hauntingly familiar shape sitting at the edge of your bed. You go to call out for the Mandalorian, but no sound is emitted, nothing comes out at all not even air. You watch helplessly as the figure's arm extends ensnaring you in a choke hold, the yellow iris shining out beneath the hood, confirming your worst fear. A Sith. You scream yourself awake, the force causing items to fly to the ground, no doubt alerting the Mandalorian. You bring your knees to your chest grabbing at your scalp telling yourself it wasn’t real, but it didn't matter what you said. The truth was you couldn’t tell anymore all lines had blurred together. You get up off the bed looking around the room already exhausted at having to clean up yet another mess you had made. You lean over picking up the weapons that had fallen off the armoury hanging them back up when you hear the Mandalorian drop down the sound startling you.

“I'm sorry” you mutter embarrassed, not looking up as you move to grab the few dishes currently lying on the floor.

“What did I say about breaking the ship?” he says, chuckling slightly in an attempt to lighten the mood. He bends down to help you but you grab his arm stopping him.

“I made the mess. I'll clean it up.” You say gathering up the utensil and placing them back on the table absentmindedly stroking your throat as you turn to pick up the rest. As you reach for the chess board he grabs your hands, intertwining his fingers with yours, leading you back over to the bed.

“Get some rest, I'll clean up,” he says softly, sitting you down on the bed.

“Stop telling me what to do Din, besides it's not working.”

“You need to sleep.”

“I can’t and unless you can think up a way to make me then were shit out of luck.”

“I can think of a few ways.” he mumbles hoping it was loud enough for you to hear.

“Like what? Knocking me out with a blaster?” you scoff

“ A less violent way,” The words leave his mouth before he can fully assess the pros and cons of what he was offering to do.

“Reciting the entire code of conduct of the mandalore race to me?” Gods, how were you still not getting this.

“A less boring way.” He prays that you either catch on or he passes away suddenly so as to save him from any further embarrassment.

“Oh” you punctuate, lips parted slightly suddenly realizing exactly what was being offered to you “you think you can tire me out?”

“Only if you want.” he says, more confident now you hadn't outright rejected him

“Well I have been dying to see what’s under that armour”

“ You’ve seen it before”, and you couldn't wait to see it again.

“Not all of it”

“The helmet stays on,” he asserts.

“Not what I was referring to.” He stands there for a moment unsure how to proceed, not wanting to have misread the situation. “Well are you just going to stand there or are you not a man of your word?” That’s all the encouragement he needs.

“You want me to stop at any time, you just say so cyar’ika”

Once again the Mandalorian was right ; he was able to tire you out. Neither of you say anything after both at a loss for words, and not wanting to ruin the moment by saying the wrong thing. You fall asleep with his arm wrapped securely around your waist, as the other runs up and down your back. His heartbeat lulling you into a deep sleep, his presence managing to stay off any nightmares, at least for now.

He stays with you long after you’ve dozed off watching your back rise and fall in time with your breathing, he thanks the gods you were finally resting. He intently studies the faint purple markings covering your body, wondering how long they'd been there. His hand then tracing over the scars on your back, he wants to know how you got them. He wanted to know everything. Once this was all a distant memory he’d ask, if you chose to stick around that is. Knowing you won't want to find him in your bed when you wake up, he slides his arm from your waist and quietly, so as not to wake you, he puts his clothes back on. Re-donning his armour he heads back upstairs to check on the ship.

Your body shivers inadvertently at the loss of heat and your eyes slowly open. The room’s still dark, but the Mandalorian had gone. He must have left sometime in the night presumably his way of telling you it was a one off. Knowing Din to be a man of few words you knew talking about what had just happened was fully off the table. You sit up and stretch out, allowing your elbows to pop and your shoulders to crack as you roll them out, feeling a way that you hadn't felt in months. Well rested. Making your way over to the fresher you allow the water to wash over you removing any remaining scent attributed to the Mandalorian. After dressing you head up to the cockpit, slightly bow legged from the night before. You’d had your fair share of lovers and for a human, he was very well endowed and very eager to please.

“How far” you ask brushing any thoughts about last night from your head as you shoo Anya off your seat.

“You’re up sooner than I thought.” He says looking at you. He’d noticed the slight stagger in your walk causing him to smirk under the helmet, but the smile fades when you don’t look down.

“How far are we?” you ask again, picking up Anya who’s refused to move of her own volition.

“Close. About last night” he starts, wanting to make sure everything was okay, and that you weren’t regretting what had happened.

“ Look, we don’t have to talk about it. I know it wasn’t a big deal.” You say.

“It may not be a big deal for you.” you don't know why, but you take that tone as being pointed, referring specifically to your time spent in the rings.

“Why? because I've slept with half the galaxy? Something I did in order to survive an environment let’s not forget you put me in?” you spit out

“ No, I-I didn’t mean,” he starts. It's the first time you've ever heard him stumble over his words.

“ You never do.” You say, shutting him up for the remainder of the trip.

“Dropping out now.’ He says, 5 days, that's how long it had taken to get to where you were going, whoever was on the planet was committed to not being found, or at least committed to having you as sleep deprived as possible.

You step out with the Mandalorian close behind you, the planet's surface reflecting the ship's underlights back into its metal exterior. The mirrored rock had sprouted out into various forms and sharp geometric shapes, resulting in a beautiful, but sinister skyline.

“You sure this is the place? Doesn't look like any living thing could survive here.”

“Yes, I can sense a disturbance. You stay here with Anya.” you say placing a hand on his chest plate.

“No way.” Din responds

“I have to do this alone. It's too dangerous for you.”

“For me?” he says in disbelief.

“Wait here if i'm not back within the hour, leave.” You state ignoring his last question.

“ I'll give you two for good measure” he offers, holding out a blaster for you to take.

“It won't help.” You say pushing it back towards him before pulling up your hood and setting off into the unknown. Once he's sure you're out of sight, he follows you.

You close your eyes, letting your senses lead you through the sharpened planet careful not to cut yourself on the dark obsidian refelcting blurred images of the stars. A rock snaps under your foot and your eyes open. A voice calls out to you, uttering your name.

“Who are you.” you ask aloud, turning to face the cloaked figure who stands before you.

“ That is not important” he answers, lips not moving. Telepathy. So that’s how he'd gotten into your head.

“You tried to kill me I think it's at least relevant.” You return in thought.

“You came alone.” he asks, yellow eyes darting from side to side, despite the power this figure held you send a nervousness harboured deep within him, perhaps you should have brought the Mandalorian along with you.

“ Yes” you lie, hoping your force was strong enough to shield the bounty hunter.

“Good.” he snarled.

“Why did you kill me.” you ask not wanting to beat around the bush

“To see if I could. I needed to see your abilities, you’re stronger than I thought if you brought yourself back to life. The empire is rebuilding”, he offers not clearing the situation up in the least

“The empire died with Palpatine, they’re nothing but warmongering desolates now” you say shaking your head, not believing you had flown halfway across the galaxy for this.

“That’s what they have told you. We have been growing an army, led by the spirit of the emperor. We are seeking those with your abilities to help us rebuild.”

“You’ve lost your mind. The Sith were defeated long ago, the Jedi with them.” You turn to leave, no longer fearing this man, he holds no power over you.

“No” he shrieks, the sound drawing your gaze back to him, the noise frightening you slightly “You cannot leave. You cannot go. You will join us and rebuild a stronger galaxy.”

“I have no interest in joing a cult of fear and genocide.” you state calmly.

“It is more than a cult I offer you, something much better, power.” he was getting desperate, a few more days without sleep and you may have fallen for it.

“Power to what? Give you all the blood in my body so you can commit futile experiments on innocent people. You cannot create force sensitivity nor can you push it on someone who it has not chosen. Join you? No, I'll have to pass. Death and destruction will not be my path.”

“Not yet, but it will be. I see it in you, the pain, the sadness, the loneliness, that will all disappear once you join us.”

“Over my dead body” You say drawing your sabre. A violent clash of red and purple ricochet off the mirrored rock, lighting up the shadowed planets.

“Your grandmother trained you well.” He exclaims.

“ If you knew her then you should know that i'd never turn” You continue the fight. Managing to back him into a rock wall. Holding saber at his throat the light purple hue gleaning in the yellow irises beneath his hood.

“I understand why you ambushed me, not much of a fighter are you.” you snarl, pushing the saber into the robe, the scent of burning fabric filling the air. Then you feel it, the pulse of the fibers interwoven throughout the galaxy, something’s amiss. Something else appears under the glow of you saber, yellowed teeth, smiling under the light. You release him pushing yourself back, he wants you to kill him.

“ Do not fear it, I have seen this moment. It is what begins your reign”

“No” you say aloud to yourself, “No” you repeat turning off the saber and turning to leave.

“If you let me live, I kill the man with you.”

The Mandalorian whose been watching from afar hasn’t heard a word spoken in a while, watching you move towards him he thinks it must be over, whoever this person was, Sith or not, you must have come to an agreement. He almost walks out from his hiding spot when you stop dead in your tracks. He sees you look up, your eyes meeting his but only for a moment, before you pivot back to face the man.

“There’s…” you start.

“Don’t play me for a fool child, I have been playing this game long before you were even a thought in your mothers pretty little head. I know he is here. I know what you feel for him. You kill me and in time you will betray him, but you’d rather that, than lose him altogether.”

There's no thought process, no decision to make. With a flick of your wrist you throw the saber. You watch as it slices through the Siths neck before returning to your hand. You close it as his head tumbles to the ground. If Ashoka's words were a warning this, this was an omen. You had made a choice and now a path of irredeemably evil was laid before you. A path you were not prepared to drag anyone else down.

“I know you're there” you say after composing yourself. “I told you not to follow me.” You say making your way to the Mandalorians hiding spot.

“Are you alright? What did he say to you?” he asks, reaching a hand out for your arm.

“Nothing.” You say dodging him. The less he knew the safer he'd be. You weighed your options in your head on the walk back, but you knew there was only one way to avoid harming anyone. You had to hide away, become anonymous. Fall back into legend, never to be seen again. It was the only way Grogu would be safe, it was the only way Cara would be safe, it was the only way Din would be safe. As the ship takes off you say three words that would change everything.

“Take me home.”

“We're on route to Hoth now,” he says reassuringly.

“No, take me to my home. Grogu is back and safe. Our deal is done. Our alliance is over” You say, eyes plastered to the windshield.

“What did he say to you?” Din stresses, but you don’t answer. Silence was the only way to stop him from convincing you to stay.

“Don’t shut me out” he says slamming his hand on the panel. You don’t flinch, you don’t even look up. “We can figure this out together.” He says softly, if you hadn’t known any better you would have thought he was pleading with you.

“You’ve done enough. Take me home. If you don’t the force will.” He resets the GPS coordinates before standing up and dropping downstairs. Anya muzzles into you as you let out a sigh blinking back the tears you felt forming.

#alliance #din djarin x reader #din djarin x y/n #mando x you #star wars #the mandalorian #the mandolorian x reader #mando x y/n #mando x reader #chapter 9

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katzirra · 3 years

Text

Waiting for the place to give me my file list from my hand drive recovery. Made an omelet with asparagus and bacon, and gave the boys a tiny bit for being good this morning and letting me sleep in past 8:06...

Hannibal woke me up with very loudly aggressively loving face rubs which is new, and has been demanding attention all morning by soft paw grabbing and holding my hand while cooking, also new. Usually he's very independent and wants nothing to do with us.

Still concerned with his audible breathing when he's SLIGHTLY distressed, for a cat with obvious anxiety, and when he's picked up or sitting/laying weird. It's very noticeable, and I'm wondering if it has to do with his nasal bridge being a tad flat.

Trying to manifest a good mood. I'm having a big existential crisis about being alive.

Which, I'll just throw that under a cut and pair it with an apology. 🤙✨

I feel like I have no purpose or meaning. Having a lot of those "why bother/what's the point" moments about a lot of things which...the depth of those feelings isn't just apathetic like most people experience? For me it's very much a red flag, so that's been fun. Usually it's doing something as simple as doing something nice for myself, thinking why bother, and having to ARGUE with myself why it matters. Like...having to validate EVERYTHING I do these days is exhausting. Honestly, it's been a low simmer scary JUST KEEP SWIMMING the last few months. But everything I feel is too much to talk to anyone about, and it doesn't HELP me to. It's me. It's my brain. It's scary and I don't like looking the beast directly in the face when people want me to open up. My demon, my problem, trust me when I say I'm trying and that I'm sincere when I say sorry I'm not all here or present.

I'm, like torn between wanting to message my friend first to talk about shit, but I'm also refusing because I was hurt and the comment about shit being too much to read just resonates in my brain yelling "you're not worth their time and effort, you dumb bitch!" because my brain has a FIELD day with that shit. Its.... Kicking a dead horse, repeating myself anyway probably. It hasn't seemed to stick after the last year of me apologizing monthly because I'm just a shit friend who is too busy working and trying to not kill myself. Suicide ideation is a thing, and it SUCKS when it's as invasive as it is for intruding thoughts. But I'll keep apologizing because I feel guilty for not being good enough. Present enough. Engaging enough. Because maybe that time it'll stick??

They'll probably be better off without me making them feel bad because I don't put in enough effort I guess? Which also just hurts because I know online I'm standoffish these days, so I put the extra effort into being a good host I thought and I hoped that mattered. I just feel like no matter what I'm doomed to disappoint them? So I don't mean they'd be better off in a dismissive way, it's a legit...way I think. Like I'm obviously causing distress, and yelling at me won't fix it because it makes me recoil emotionally. So maybe I'm just a bad friend in reality and it is what it is. I'm sorry so many people have fucked me up about inter personal relationships?? I don't know what to do this time because that stupid fight cut me very deep in core values in myself.

It...Fucked me up. And whether that's important to them or not, or whether it has an repercussive weight, whatever. We've both been hurt by people, and been there as much as we'd let eachother. I've tried to be crazy supportive in the last bout of shit they went through. Because I love a bitch, and they matter immensely to me, and I know I suffered alone through a LOT of things like that and know it sucks. I offered my home, attention and time any time I could give it.. Being told i don't give as much as them set weird on my heart in light of that. It hurt.

Idk...And maybe I'm just some dramatic bitch or whatever I guess. Doesn't matter. I matter, my feelings matter. I'm mentally ill and I fucking bust my ass to deal with it, AND be a loving and supportive fixture in people's lives. I suck, sure. But I'm ALWAYS there for people.

I mention I'm depressed or angry at life, sure, but the layers of distress aren't...on display? It's my shit to deal with, if I bring it up, it's for benefit of people knowing why I'm withdrawn usually. I don't talk about myself much anymore because everything is too much and I just start venting. And people don't care that deeply about how fucked up my head is. Or I over share too much. Or yeah, it's a lot to read and I start babbling because the cork is off and I HURT inside just being alive anymore. I don't feel like I'm living my life for me these days. I don't feel alive. I feel stagnant. I'm biding time for SOMETHING to happen??

Yet I'm constantly apologizing to people for not being able to do basic shit, that I'm upfront about being difficult for some dumb reason. I'm always having to explain myself to people. I am in this bubble so often of feeling like I was made wrong, a mistake, missing something important.

Or that I'm a bad person. I'm too open, too closed, withdrawn, outgoing - I can never seem to get the ratio right. And its the kind of discussion I feel leans into self pity and attention grabbing but it's...something I internally struggle with every week and keep to myself.

Oh Kat, get a psychiatrist - I dont know that it would help, honestly. I know 90% of my thoughts and fears are irrational, and pointless. But I know they have valid backing in trauma that I have mostly dealt with, and am unlearning. But I also know I see through people, can identify those markers, and understand outcomes way too easy and that ALSO makes people mad. So. What the fuck is a shrink gonna do for me? My depression is a background white noise to this stuff, and it's honestly just bullshit I deal with. I'm not keen on medication, I'm sure it would help quiet my brain, but I've been dealing with this shit almost 20 years now, ita just the added drama and bullshit from people that exacerbates the emotional brain rash, for lack of a better phrasing. My issues are all behavioral and some depression and anxiety in the mix that I manage.

For all I'm told people understand ahit wrong with me, it sure is something I repeatedly get bitched at over, honestly. And I partially get it, I also find it frustrating. But I've been battling depression since I was 12/13 and learning to stop thinking certain things only since 21, and that's the harder part. I'm not the person people think I am, I wish I was anymore. That bitch died in 2011/2012. That fissure in my foundation fucked me UP. The shaking I had one or two years ago, didn't help.

To be transparently honest the whole shitstorm two weeks ago really hit some raw nerves I'm trying to deal with, and not doing well. Because the more times that nerve is hit the more I don't feel like a valuable person and that I'm wasting people's time. But the reason I'm yelled at is that I am a valuable person, and they want more of my time in a way?? I don't know what people want from me.

Waves hand dismissively - they're being sweethearts by the back door for now.

I'm in a weird place emotionally and mentally. I don't feel alive. I don't feel real. I don't feel valid or... I don't know. Nothing I say or so actually matters in my own life or experiences. I can be an amazing person with communication and intention but it doesn't matter if the other person doesn't care, it's like arguing online.

You can have a valid discussion and someone can just say "you're a fucking moron, I'm not listening to this" and you can't do anything.

I just wasted two hours organizing my thoughts qnd emotions into a post that I'll delete in a week. What a great use of my time. I'm juat exhausted.

I turn 31 tomorrow and is rather be dead lmao. I'm so tired of the weight of being alive and aware of the world and people around me. About being considerate and kind to everyone and it's never god damn enough. I bleed myself dry emotionally for everyone and run my mental battery into the ground qnd it's never enough. It's never going to BE enough. I don't want mental.break downs and emotional roller-coasters. I want friends that understand I'm scatterbrained and severely damaged and abused and I'm TRYING. I'm sorry it's never good enough.

I'm so fucking tired these days. I just want to disappear. I want to have an actual breakdown and cry

I haven't actually cried in years. I.... Mm. I feel like.im a shell. I'm so tired. I'm trying AO hard to be a good person and functional and I'm just constantly having more dished and I'm just...what is my purpose qnd point these days. I can't even make people happy.

Tomorrow I'll turn 31. It'll be like any other day. 👍✨

#kat life #ignore me

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naptoons · 4 years

Text

Broken- Erick Colon

Warnings: verbal fights, cursing.

Theme: Angst

Summary: you and Erick thought getting together would be great, you guys liked each other since you were in middle school. But never told each other, you’ve dated other people and now y’all are broken. So broken that the relationship becomes toxic.

A/N: I apologize for all the angst buttttt yah girl ain’t feeling the fluffs at the moment, I’ve been in a very let down mood so i apologize. But enjoy!!!

Proofread? : no.

Being in love with Erick consisted of bricking, kissing and makeup sex. Then back to yelling at each other and making each other mad. Loving each other started to become a chore. The push and pull of wanting to and being scared. You both thought this relationship would save you both. But y’all are far to broken for each other.

“She was all up on you Erick!!, did you not notice or you just dont fucking care?!” You yell at him for the fourth time this week, because he was so nice he couldn’t notice his friend was being too flirty, even though she knew you guys were together and you were standing obviously right there. “Y/n?” He sighs “how many fucking times do I have to tell you shes a friend?!” “ friends?! To be all cuddled up in you like that?!” “I don’t understand why you’re so fucking pissed about it y/n I’m with you for fuck sakes!” Erick huffs walking over to the sofa, you stand on the wall apart from him, fighting the urge to block his view of the tv, you weren’t done with him, cause he doesn’t seem to understand how this friend of his has a crush on him, to make matters worse it’s an ex.

“You’re probably fucking her that’s why you don’t care” you mumble with your arms crossed Erick’s leg bounces up and down trying to calm himself down, he was angry at how big of a scene you made at the party, you had leaped over the arms of Richard and Joel, pulling her hair down to the floor as you got a couple of hits in, to make matters even bigger you threw a drink at her. “Y/n-please I’m done arguing with you” he demands through gritted teeth.

“Well are you? Are you cheating on me?” You ponder, Erick doesn’t answer instead he drinks water from the glass “of course you would go back to ex, she’s everything I’m not Huh?”

“How ment times i Gotta tell your she’s just a friend?!” He yells at you standing up and throwing a glass cup close to you, your body shutters in fear. You’d never thought these arguments would result to you guys putting your hands in each other. The impact of that throw just shattered all over your foot.

“Baby—“ he shutters before two members come in, Richard and Chris looking at Erick, one in anger and one in utter shock

“What the hell is wrong with you?!” Richard yells at him, walking towards him Chris grabs your arm softly moving you out the way of the shattered glass. Joel and zabdiel turn around the corner looking at your cut feet, Joel lifts you up bridal style to take care of the glass in your foot.

Joel sits you on the sink grabbing the first aid kit, he sees your somber mood, your eyes look so distraught and scared, Joel swallowed the lump in his throat thinking how he can advert your attention from what just occurred. “Hey you wanna go grab some frosty’s? Or do you want McDonald’s milkshake?”

“If their machine works” you dryly joke

“True,” he laughs a little “so what do you want? Or do you want both?”

“I want spicy nuggets and a frosty, maybe a McDonald’s caramel sundae”

“Orders up” Joel smiles, “Cmon lets go”

Sitting on the grass, you pick at your frosty slowly turning it into a milkshake anyways, Joel notices how you’re spacing out so he rubs your back softly “do you need space?”

“No, cause when I’m alone I don’t know what I might start thinking, or doing”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Joel whispers, as if theirs someone following you guys.

“I’m a mess Joel, a broken mess and I knew this all to well, I knew this before I dated him, my last two relationships were scarring, one was verbally abusive, and the other cheated, I don’t know why I thought Erick would save me, I should’ve never jumped into this relationship—" your voice cracked

“If I knew I wasn’t ready” you barely finished, but Joel caught every vowel and Constant. “I fuck up every relationship I have”

“Hey no, that’s not true, listen those guys they fucked up the relationship to not even consider how you felt, because love shouldn’t be difficult, love is when you’re so terrified of hurting the other person, of they loved you they wouldn’t have dare to break you”

“Is love constantly arguing?”

“It is if you’re arguing about something that could potentially cause you guys to separate, that means both of you are scared, and sometimes it’s a defensive mechanism because you don’t want another relationship to turn out as the last”

“Arguments are nothing but miscommunication gone wrong” Joel hums at the end “and when that happens neither party is listening, it’s just pain talking” drinking the frosty from your cup you nod your head. Yeah, it makes sense now, neither of you guys are communicating because you both are scared of your bruises resurfacing, so instead of flight, you fight instead. It’s just pain on top of pain.

“So if you want, take a break think it over, do you love him? and is it worth the wait for you guys to heal?”

“Are you saying we’re together at the wrong time?”

“No, love has no time, and it surely doesn’t wait either, I’m just saying healing takes a while, but you can still be together and heal too, communication is one form of healing” he bumps your shoulder softly

“Wow, you really do give out great advice”

“If I did, id be with my ex right now, I’m just trying to prevent you from making the same mistake”

“Thanks Joel”

It’s been four weeks since you saw Erick, you were trying to give yourself and him enough breathing room to think about your relationship. And not only that but to discover who you are within yourself. ”now or never right?” You ask yourself standing in front of their house, ringing the doorbell you Yep your foot on the welcome mat. “Aw fuck it I can’t do this” just as your about to turn around the door swings open, and there he was. Even after all these weeks, he still gave your butterflies, and your cheeks rose in color.

“Hey” he starts off softly

“Hey-um can we talk?” You ask fiddling with your bracelet, it was the bracelet he bought you back from touring, with every stop they had you always remembered to buy you a souvenir. Since you couldn’t travel along with him cause of school.

“Yeah of course come in” you walk in the house, following Erick to his room, sitting in the bed he sits across from you giving you enough space so you’re not uncomfortable or scared. He’d never want to see you make that face, specially on his accord.

“So I’ve been thinking, that we’ve been having way to many fights, this break we had from each other was much needed” you look to see ericks head looking down at his hands , his body looked so stiff and somber, he didn’t seem like himself. “But, I know that I still love you and I have so much growth for myself, I have a lot of room to improve, so just know it’s not your fault, nor is it mine, and it’s not our exes fault either, we don’t get to choose how or when we get hurt in this world, but we get to choose how we deal with the pain, and we both chose poorly” you turn your body fully towards him.

Erick looked like he hasn’t been motivated to do anything for these past weeks, you had hoped he’d be taking care of himself like you did, but this hit him in a different way. “Hey Erick, I’m not mad at you, I’m disappointed in you nor am I upset with you, I know you didn’t mean it, it was just fear talking so dont-“

“How you can you forgive someone that almost threw glass at you? How can you love someone that argued with you until they pushed you away? How can you even for a second, still love me after all the pain I’ve gave you?” Erick finally looks at you, his eyes drowning in every negative emotion you can think of. “Y/n you don’t deserve the repeat of opening and closing so much, you deserve to be happy, you deserve someone who is there twenty-four-seven, you deserve someone man enough to actually listen and value what you say, because all I did in that relationship was made you cry alone countless nights, and gave you more problems then I was worth, y/n you really are an angel, and I can’t drag you down for being stuck in the past”

You stood up from the bed still eyes laid on Erick, you stood in front of him removing his hand from his face. He looks up at you shocked and dazed. He was wondering why are you still here? How could you even look at him? “Listen, I’m not going to force you into a relationship if that’s not what you want but listen to me carefully” you pause for his answer

“Okay” he lets out an unsteady answer

“Erick, remember when I told you that even if you were a shattered glass house I would still pick you up and rebuild you?” You ask him

“Yeah” his voice simmer down slowly

“I didn’t make that promise because you were my friend, I made that promise because I know what type of person you are, Erick you’re the most wholehearted, passionate and charming man I’ve ever been with, so why the hell would I ever stop loving a person like that?”

Erick gazes at you again his breath stuck in a tight air bubble, “Erick, yeah you scared me that day, but what made me scared wasn’t the glass, it was that we couldn’t help or understand each other, so I thought I would lose you, I can’t pretend that day didn’t happen, but I’m willing to heal it, to heal us, only if you want too” you kiss his knuckles softly. You missed the way his hands fit into yours, the way he would rub circles on your inner thigh when he was driving. The crinkle in his nose when you pull out the awful dad jokes.

You missed him.

“I’m willing to try too, I love you” Erick stands up hovering over you just by a couple inches “you look beautiful by the way” he caresses your cheek In one hand, while the other holds your waist.

“You idiot, my cheeks and eyes are swollen but I’m beautiful?” You punch him softly

“Always beautiful the hell you mean?” He furrows his eyebrows, “your as beautiful as the moon dancing across the water” you giggle with a slight blush tint from ear to ear, luckily it was dark in his room, next thing you knew Erick pressed his lips on yours, passionately he softly laid your back on the bed and hovered over you.

We had to save ourselves. In order to save our relationship.

#cnco imagines #cnco preferences #erick brian colon #cnco erick #erick imagines #erick concepts

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isnotys · 5 years

Text

Clouds Pt 2

Summary: Embarrassed about the smoke cloud Snapchat mistake, Grayson seeks comfort in y/n and Ethan gets really jealous. Y/n takes it upon herself to convince Ethan that she isn’t stealing Gray away, but merely wants to share him.

Warnings: fluff, jealousy

Part 1

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`~~~~

“Some girl?!?” I said, my heart breaking into a thousand pieces as I felt a thousand cuts all through my body. I thought we were all friends, I know we became a closer group because Gray and I got together, but I felt I had bonded with E and I thought we were actually friends.

Emma actually reintroduced us at an event and they remembered me from our interview for Clevver and that’s how our friendship started. Although I had become his friend because Emma was my bff and his brother became my boyfriend, I considered Ethan one of my closest and most trusted friends. And having been in the entertainment industry for a while, that was a difficult thing to find.

I tried to keep my calm even though I just wanted to cry, hit him and then hug him. “Though you have a reason to think I am your friend just because your girlfriend is my best friend and your brother my boyfriend, I actually care very much about you,” I said trying to keep my voice calm and so it wouldn’t break just like my heart did.

This took him by surprise, he tried to keep an angry face, but I saw that it softened him a little. He spoke in a low voice, knowing someone might hear, but firmly, “I don’t believe that for a second, and I don’t trust you.”

My heart dropped to my stomach.

Grayson came in suddenly and he notably felt the tension in the air, “Is everything ok?” he asked keeping his eyes on Ethan.

“Just fine,” Ethan said, but he obviously couldn’t fool Grayson. There is no one on this earth that Grayson knows better than Ethan.

“There’s something wrong here, I can tell,” Gray said.

“Your girlfriend here is pretending to be my friend to steal you away from me, and I am done with it,” Ethan said looking at me, eyes dark with anger. However, he couldn’t stand to look at Grayson because he knew that the words coming out of his mouth were gonna hurt his twin brother.

“That is not true at all,” Emma says coming out of nowhere. I had completely forgotten she was even here and couldn’t get a word out of my mouth, my head was spinning. Meanwhile, Grayson wouldn’t take his eyes off of me, I was completely unable to look at him and just kept staring at the wall past Ethan.

I love Gray more than anything, but I know him pretty well and no matter how much he loved me if his brother wasn’t on board with our relationship, I know that will eventually drive a wedge between us. I need to make this right.

“Emma’s right, E. Y/n has done nothing but prove that she’s a real friend to all of us. She’s even-“

“THERE YOU GO AGAIN DEFENDING HER, WHY DONT YOU SIDE WITH ME??? YOU LITERALLY PUSHED ME OUT OF THE WAY TO GET TO HER SO SHE COULD COMFORT YOU! THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT!!!” Ethan says completely losing it and not even caring enough to fake it anymore. He honestly looks like he’s about to cry, but he’s too proud for that.

Grayson tries to talk to him and grab onto him, but he storms off to his room and slams the bedroom door behind him. “This is completely uncalled for and totally unfair. He’s wrong!” Grayson says visibly upset.

Emma looks at me waiting for me to say something, but words fail me. Not only did mistake Ethan for a friend, I knew no matter what, this was gonna have a negative effect on my relationship with Grayson. Chills ran through my whole body and I had this unmistakable knot in my throat that meant I was about to lose it myself.

Grayson, who had just had a terrible day himself, hugged me so tight I could barely breathe. He knows Ethan is being his overdramatic, but he also doesn’t want him to feel left out or that he is being exchanged for someone else. After all, they have been through so much together, but that’s just it, their bond is unbreakable no matter what or who tries to come between them and I certainly wasn’t trying to.

“I can’t believe he shows more jealousy for Grayson than for me,” Emma says forcing a laugh to try and help the situation.

“I get it,” I say trying to keep it together. “He sees me as a threat, not as a friend. I think we should give him some space. Grayson you should go talk to him,” I say pushing him away.

He looks at me confused and even hurt. “You want to leave?” he says and his voice cracks a little.

“No, but you guys need to figure this out. If you don’t, it’ll only hurt all of us in the long run. And as much as I want to talk to him, maybe yell at him a little, this will only make things worse.”

After that, I just leave.

⁃ - - - - -

It’s been a couple of days after the incident, Grayson and I have been talking through it, but I haven’t had the courage enough to go to his house. I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m avoiding him, which isn’t all that untrue. I just have a history of not being able to keep my cool and I know that the more I stay away the better the chance we have of things working out in a positive way. And to be quite honest, it’s not like Ethan has done anything to make it any better.

I hear a knock on my door after coming out of the shower. It was a Saturday and it’s not like I have that many friends to begin with and they certainly would let me know before coming here.

As I open the door I see the back of a tall figure as he turns around I am astonished to see who it is. Out of all people, Ethan is not the one to ever apologize first.

“Hi. Can I come in?” he says in a low voice, calm and cool, but avoiding eye contact at all costs.

“Yeah, sure. Can I offer you anything to drink? I just got some-“ I say, but he quickly cuts me off.

“I need to apologize for my shitty behavior. You are a good girlfriend to my brother and I need to respect boundaries.” He says firmly and looking me in the eyes. His brother might win me over with those eyes, but he can’t.

“You see, Ethan, I don’t have an issue with you wanting more time alone with your brother. I am more than willing to compromise and find a better balance for you to have your space and time with each other.” I say as I stare him down so he knows I mean what I say, but that I won’t let him manipulate me.

“That’s great. See? All fixed! Now Grayson will be happy,” he said with what I’d call a fake enthusiasm.

“That’s exactly the problem here, Ethan. I thought we were friends, good ones. And you just see me as the girl who’s trying to steal your brother away? We were all friends before we started dating. You even said you didn’t trust me,” I say my voice breaking and shedding quite a few tears against my own will. I hate crying in front of people, not because of them thinking of it as a weakness, but they usually think that you do it on purpose. Or worse they’d let you win an argument so you stop crying rather than because you were right all along.

I don’t think that’s what’s going through his mind though, although I don’t dare look at him. The tension dissipates a little. He shifts and when I look at his face he looks surprised and somehow he seems to have put his guard down.

“It’s not that I don’t see you as a friend. I just thought you felt obligated to hang out with me because your best friend is my girlfriend and you are dating my brother,” he says trying to read my face. I can’t blame him for not trusting many people, after all, in this industry and all that they have been through, it’s better to be careful.

“I understand that and that it’s your instinct to protect your brother and the bond you have together. However, I care about him and I care about you as a friend as well and not just because of my relationship with him. I felt you and I had bonded over our crappy past friendships and hardships,” I say wiping the tears from my face, and he seems to realize what this has all been about.

“You are right. Damn, I am truly sorry y/n, sometimes to protect ourselves we build walls and end up hurting people. I guess I’ve been keeping you at bay so that I don’t get attached, but I also don’t want to see my brother get hurt. Maybe I thought I could protect him from you, but I see now there’s nothing to protect him from,” he says almost whispering and keeping a low stare.

“I am completely in love with your brother and I don’t want to take him from you, I want to share him. He’s annoying, loud and hyper, but he’s sweet, kind, caring and hot as hell,” I blurt it all out because it’s the truth. Nothing has ever felt as special and genuine as my relationship with Grayson and I can’t let anything get in the way of being with him. He’s my person.

“I should’ve known better, y/n. You do care about him and I think you should talk to him,” Ethan says looking worried.

“Why do you say that?” I ask now getting worried.

“He thinks I ran you off.”

“Oh, you’re not getting rid of me that easily,” I say gathering my stuff so Ethan takes me to their place to surprise Gray.

When we come through the door, we can hear Grayson is in the kitchen, so I rush there. It smells like he’s been baking *dairy-free* cookies.

Once he sees me his expression changes drastically, he runs to hug me and spins me around.

“I’ve missed you so much peaches, I thought I lost you,” he whispers into my neck making all of the hairs on my body stand up.

“You could never,” I can barely say because he just kisses me, making me melt into his arms and for once in a long time, everything feels right.

The End

#grayson dolan #grayson x reader #Grayson Dolan imagine #ethan dolan #Ethan Dolan imagine #dolan twins #the dolan twins #fic #blurb #Ethma

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howlitecritical · 5 years

Text

New character arcs and new back story because canon sucks again

Main 4 cast with notes on characters that need notes for changes to make sense Garnet: yesyesyesyesyeysyes everything good about this show. There’s not enough garnet centric things where she’s just herself and not about ruby and sapphire. More information on Garnet. Shes stoicly funny and just murders people with words sometimes. show her being rose’s top tactician. turning the tides of the war that were never in the crystal gem’s favor. maybe theres a fun earth thing shes into. Her room is the heart of the temple for a reason now. Its a balance between pearl and amethyst. The bubbles are organized, but she has her own side space with things she does as hobbies. She has a collection of antique books that she likes to read lava side and she often meditates to see corrupted gems and a future in which the CGs encounter them. maybe she even draws them out to combine ruby’s need to Do with sapphire's need to Know. Fusion is still very important to her, but not she has plot relevant interests that make sense with her character. Her character arc involves her being the first of her kind. shes something completely new! just like steven is. and for that not to bind them together is silly. She wants the best for steven and he makes her want to be an even better leader now that rose is gone and shes the only one left. she makes him think about his actions and slows down his hyper activity when he or amethyst are trying to do something reckless. From him she learns that it’s okay to let her guard down more. Homeworld might come back, but it’s not all on her shoulders. the CGs are a family and they’ll protect everyone together. Garnet in jailbreak is the first time we know shes a fusion and before that we get more about her character not just from environment around her, but her reactions to things. Maybe she feels like she needs to be in control because shes afraid that without rose, homeworld is more a danger than ever.

Amethyst: I like most of her progression actually!!! a few things I’d mess with is when she’s unnecessary hurtful to people she loves, like greg, when she shape shifted into rose, and peridot when she all but threw her stuff into the ocean. these things need to be gotten rid of, or addressed by the narrative. I’d also like to see her hanging around Vidalia wayyyyy sooner or to have a reason why they dont. As for reasons, maybe Amethyst did or said something hurtful toward her, lashing out at her for whatever reason that made their friendship strained. while a decade is a long time for a human, for a gem its nothing. so while she feels bad, Am’ isnt going to apologize herself!!! she didnt do anything wrong!!! and maybe Vidalia is the first person steven convinces her to apologize to. Steven teaches her compassion and is, in return, the gem he can relate to the best. He goes to her first with gem issues and she acts like an older sibling, trying to teach him or cover up mistakes so pearl and garnet dont find out. I think i’d like a progression of Am’ refusing to apologize to Vidalia, realizing that she was wrong and apologizing to greg, but he breaks down and can’t move past that, rendering their friendship difficult and strained as a “sometimes apologizing isnt enough and you have to change your behavior“ and then the third beat with peridot either not happening at all, where she doesnt throw someone’s comfort items into the ocean which, i think steven shouldve realized and stopped her from doing anyway, BUT if you just NEED that mistake on her part, i feel like this could be a “sometimes, you dont know how bad you hurt someone and you should apologize when you find out“ with peridot being hurt and not talking to her and amethyst has to do a big gesture to show shes sorry. I also feel like that fleshes out amedot as a ship and while i dont care about who peridot ends up with, i care about story and the way im going to make this story go, lapis will be in that fun moral grey area and i want more options in terms of story telling and of fan choice. Also!!! explore the possibility of her being deep cut and thats why shes a runt. she only looks smaller but has all these strengths because of it!!! it fits in really well and bismuth or peridot maybe because she was made for kindergardening, could tell her about it and watch her get excited because shes not ”wrong“ she never came out “wrong“ shes just different and thats okay!

Pearl: Was white diamond’s pearl, first of all! that makes every interaction more interesting, because no only did she defect from homeworld, but she defected from the Queen of homeworld and everything it stood for basically. We learn more about how homeworld operates and what places in society each gem fits from pearl, because while she doesn’t believe it herself, she isn’t kept from talking about diamonds now and what one she served. in this funky fresh au, she is sent by white to make sure the new diamond they’re cultivating from earth comes out properly (aka where the fuck did russia go) and getting her equipped with all of the technology she would need to properly rule. this is where she first meets a quartz soldier. at first she’s taken aback by the quartz’s forwardness, no one had ever talked to her like... an equal before. shes not sure if shes allowed to speak, though, she knows theyre waiting for a response. Their first interactions always begin with her requesting permission to speak. They have to wait a few more years for pink to emerge and while they’re there they slowly become friends as the life is leeched out of the area. we could have a snapshots of them waiting for together, rose getting bored and convincing pearl to come do things with her, slowly breaking her out of her shell. Pearl’s difficulty and character arc comes from not just rose and getting over her feelings, which is perfectly fine, but doesnt need to be her only trait, but finding out who she is now, not just after rose, but with humanity as a whole. with the war well and truly over. she wants to learn about what rose thought was so important to fight for, to die for, and because of that, we get her partaking in human activities that arent eating or drinking, because she still dislikes them. While Garnet reads and collects books, i think pearl being really into her weapons collection is a good idea to flesh her out more. Where did she get her swords from? Well thats a mystery. She mentions someone she cared about a long time ago made them for her and thus we get some fun bismuth foreshadowing.

Rose: And rose..... god... we could of had it all by adele plays in the background anytime i think about her. Here we have a very beautiful fat woman. Shes framed as elegant and regal by the show time and time again and i LOVED that. however after the pink diamond reveal, I have such mixed feelings about her. No more diamond bullshit. Shes the first gem that popped out. Technically she’s too early and she goes to stand guard around the birthplace of her diamond. That is where she and pearl first meet. Pearl is the first gem she ever talks to and while she innately knows stuff about home world, shes pick up a lot from the humans that live nearby. theyve shown her kindness and given her furs to wear and in turn she helped them heal their wounded by crying on them. (yes she still has healing powers sue me) she loves the humans and takes to befriending them before pearl shows up. The two of them get close and after pink diamond pops out, rose realizes what the creation of gems truly means for the world around her. They’re killing what was here before them. This isn’t creation. It’s an invasion. Being the only quartz out so far, shes forced into the role of commander for pink. Her favored soldier. And the more she does what she was “made for” the more she hates it and the more she hates the diamond authority. she convinces pink that some humans are worth keeping. As a curiosity, my diamond. they could prove useful to terraforming other planets or moons to accept life and in time, gem cultivation. She gets poofed while trying to save someone from the group of people she first made friends with. Maybe pink shatters whoever poofed her for not following her orders because of course Rose wouldnt defy her. rose is Loyal, unlike the rest of you lack luster garbage. Rose comes back with her iconic dress and shes here and queer and shes fucking Done with this shit. she hears about the shattering on her behalf and she goes to pink and asks why and she feels sick to her stomach because star, my diamond, she isnt Worth it. she isnt worth the cost of someone else’s whole Life!!! Oh rose... you’ve always been soft hearted. in this time, Pearl is quietly there. waiting to be called back by white as pink pearl has just been sent to take her place. And this is it. This is the moment rose decides to rebel. according to homeworld, her life should be no more than any other quartz. her life shouldnt be traded for that of others. So why? Why did pink do this? Do the gems in her court mean nothing to her? This is the first time a gem has ever summoned two weapons. A Sword and Shield. A knight turning on her master. She tried to attack pink. to poof her. to send a message right here and now that gems are all equal. that a lowly rose quartz is strong enough to take on a diamond! She fails, but only partly. she manages to strike a blow, but pink stays in tact long enough to strike on of her own, sending rose retreating into her gem. This is when pearl has to make a choice. No matter what she’d be shattered. Pink’s wrath when she reforms, white’s when she finds out about what happened. This is a death sentence. But if its a death sentence, its one she’ll choose for herself. she takes rose’s shield and uses the face of it to shatter pink herself, scooping up rose’s gem and getting as far away as fast as she can. This is the start of a war.

Steven: Oh boi. So i love steven, but theres moments where hes just... not good and the story doesnt stop him from doing that. So if were gonna say hes a kid with emotion based powers, we know hes soft and sweet and excitable. sometimes he pushes people too far because hes trying to do what he thinks is best. I want him to wrestle with the fact that his mom, this person everyone says is good, killed someone. she did something so horrible and she never killed anyone again, but she still did it once. I’d like him to get bits and pieces of his mothers memories and so we get to see the world and flashback things that happened in real time. Maybe he tries to talk to pearl about it, but she still wont instead of cant. He feels like an outcast and everyone would rather his mom be there, but they have him instead. basically a lot of his earlier character arc stuff before garnet and pearl talk to him about how homeworld was. They dont think hes old enough to hear about war, but it seems war is coming back and hes unprepared to face it without learning more. he facilitates more interactions with the townies and now its not just a war of gems against gems, they have humans on their side too and they’ll win!

#su criticism #su rewrite #su #su critique #su critical #steven universe #i hate the pink diamond reveal so im just Salty #cw long post

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magicalgirlpropaganda · 3 years

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Things that are hot and sexy (because i do them)

• being unable to cite sources no matter how long you spend on it or how long you try

• getting a boost of motivation to work but on the wrong thing

• actually don't mind doing school work and have a thirst for knowledge but hate failure and not having time to finish assignments

• "wow i can't believe i finished all my assignments for the week! So fast. I have time to study and actually perfect my work and get better grades" *gets more assignments* *cries*

• i can't meet my own high standards

• being so stressed because of mom that i have horrible mood swings and im in a constant state of rage and anxiety

• being relieved when my friends invite me to do things because then i see it as an obligation and im "forced" to go (even though they'd understand if i said no, i see it as an obligation for my own mental wellbeing)

• wanting desperately to help others but struggling to even take care of yourself

• i can do the work, i can handle the workload. But i can't handle the pressure of my mom checking my grades

• i know that I'm smart and i know that I can do it. Ive been working so hard and my work is paying off but i need my mom to trust me

• overeating due to stress and went on an etsy shopping spree. Had to force myself to stop "stress buying" stuff and "stress eating"

• my dumb little passion project went on hiatus because im busy. Which is fine but a bit dissapointing

• i love it here. I don't want to leave. I love the art program. The work is a lot but i love my classes and my friends and my life here. What if one day something horrible happens and i have to leave because its too expensive?

• everything in my life is going good but my mom stresses me out so much that it's no longer going good

• I'm sorry for being incompetent... Even on my medicine. I am much better off than before and i can actually think but. I can't focus and i often miss intructions on assignments unless i write down absolutely everything. Why am i like this?

• my high empathy problems are coming up again because im so emotional.

• i am fine on 6 hours of sleep a night now but i wonder how long that will last. I don't have enough time to sleep for 8 hours every night. And maybe its because i take too many breaks but if i dont take breaks, i can't focus and everything just because thoughts that don't make sense

• im so stressed. Please just let me get my work done. All i ask is to be able to just sit down, relax, get my work done. I want to do so well on the exam later this week that I bump my B to an A or just even a high B.

• at least i enjoy school. High school and before was... Much worse. I don't enjoy spending hours trying to find out how to cite very specific topics and i dislike that one of my professors is a big perfectionist and so i often lose points on assignments (everyone does) no matter how hard i try to make it perfect. And i dislike having to check canvas so often because its difficult to navigate and i swear they try to hide assignments from us. And i hate that i have so much work that some weeks i wonder if i can possibly get it all done. And i hate group projects and i hate writing boring essays. But i love my classes at least. And i want to do well. I will do well. I am going to make all A's if it kills me. I was a B/C student in high school with occasional A's. If i just studied more (i never studied), i could have been one of the best students there, i believe. I didn't study, but I'm glad I didn't because it didn't matter as long as I got ok grades and I passed. I enjoyed my youth (not that im not still young...not that those years weren't the worst). But now i have to make A's or at least high B's because I know i can and I have to prove to my mom that I can do it. Maybe if i get good enough grades, she will back off some. Then I can prove to her that i really don't need her "help".

• this is way too specific of a list

• i want a job. If only i had time for a job. I have a strong work ethic. Im a good little capitalist slave. Please give me mone- i mean. Work. Yeah... Work...

But I dont have time for a job. Im very thankful that i dont need one. But I need to grow up and get a job because it will help me in the future

• speaking of which....a job i applied for months ago just called today... A lite late, buddy. Im 2 hours away now.

• but god... I so want to work there. I hear its a great place to work and the owner is gay (aka, not going to be homophobic to me)

• i wish i had my suitemate/neighbor's life. Like loudly talking on the phone and slamming doors as loud as possible all day long? And she's an RA so she gets paid.

• im calling my mom soon and getting this shit over with. Also i have somewhere to go with friends tonight so we can kidna- i mean recruit ppl for the theatre club. Im no theatre person but i am there for my friend and to make props.

• i can't do it.

• but if i do this, ill be free....

• maybe a quick meditation beforehand. Maybe self hypnosis so i can emotionally numb myself for a few minutes... Idk if im experienced enough to do that yet... But I've been doing it for years so might as well give it a try

• have i really resorted to self hypnosis to deal with the stress of calling my own mother?

• am i really so weak that even though everything is going well, something as simple as my mom calling to check my grades once a week makes me so upset that I cry almost every day about it?

• i know what she is doing is not legal. But what can I do about it?

• my mom thinks that im incompetent as well. That's why she checks my grades. She thinks I can't do it. She didn't even think that I had the ability to live by myself. I proved her wrong there.

• im working so hard partly because of her. So why does me working hard and thus not having time to call make her upset?

• it will all be over by tomorrow.

• perhaps calling her on the phone in a public space would be better. Maybe if she realizes that im not just in my dorm....

Luckily, my mom cares a little too much about social norms. She's used against me this all my life but perhaps it could be beneficial to me.

•thats right. I can just pack my stuff i need for my work. Then ill meditate for a bit and take a tea break. Ill go take everything to a public place with lots of people and call her then.

• i don't want to bring my friends into this, it wouldn't be right. But i wish that they would just sit next to me while I was on the phone. For emotional support at least. But i wouldn't ask them to do that, especially since we haven't known each other long. But i think it would make everything better if i had someone else to back me up

• people must be sick and tired of these posts. Im sorry.

• my mom says she's proud of me, but she doesnt act like it. She used to trust me. When i was 16/17, she would say that its up to me, my responsibility, that I knew what I was doing. Now, im 18. Why does she no longer trust me? I am an adult now. It doesn't make sense. I'm more responsible than I was at that age and im an adult now. It doesn't make sense at all, shouldn't she trust me more?

• i check my own grades religiously. Why is it necessary for her to do so too? What does that accomplish?

• i have an A, 2 almost A's, 2 low B's (but i know i can get the grade up and im studying hard to do so) and one C (it was an assignment that everyone did poorly on and another homework assignment that i did poorly on because I was exhausted). I know a C is bad but it's my drawing class. My favorite class. I do well in there and i think I'm probably one of the better peforming students in there. The C was just a small mistake and since we have more work in there now, getting that grade up will not be difficult. But i feel like all of my hard work just doesn't matter anymore. It will not satisfy her either way. Even if I had all A's, she would probably still be upset that I didn't have high enough A's. One of my professors says that she doesn't give A's on projects because "mistakes happen in art and you have to accept it".

• heavy workload... Im fine doing it but... I can't do it well with the amount of time I'm given. If i just had the weekend as well and not just the rest of the week. If i had just one full day more.

• this weekend will probably be dedicated to next week's work if i can do it early

• i can't call her. It's too stressful.

• im lightheaded just thinking about it

• i have every right to be angry. I have every fucking right to be angry.

• my day should revolve around schoolwork and studying. My weekends should revolve around taking breaks and light workloads. But every moment of every day revolved around my mom instead.

• and to think... If i lived in a place where college wasnt so expensive... Perhaps she would leave me be. Perhaps my grades would be so much better and perhaps I would be happy.

#vent post #rambles #long post #rambling

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cantujordan91 · 4 years

Text

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Can Affair Save Marriage

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Does He Want To Save Your Marriage

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#I Dont Want To Save My Marriage Anymore Easy And Cheap Cool Tips #How To Stop A Divorce In Michigan

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disappolntment · 4 years

Text

undeveloped thoughts until a new psych don’t crucify me

actually don’t even read this I’m venting and it’s probably victim playing because I don’t think I’m going through a hard time ever apparently

gd my mum bitches about my little sister like she isn’t in the room with us

I want to be supportive and validating to them both because I see both sides

It’s just a bad position to be in. I love them both a lot but it happens every day and instead of her dealing with it she just yells at me about it and then acts like it doesn’t exist and my little sister doesn’t have any consequences but honestly the only person my sister treats like this is my mum?

Regardless a kid doesn’t understand?? They’re just getting yelled at

but I’m trying to get into a new psych, deal with my eczema and get back into uni/life and friendship circles

I can’t fix ur parenting for you

or mediate for you anymore and I’m asking you to stop but you’re still taking and I’m still giving but I’m a fucking pushover for people I love

I’ve been doing it my whole life. I didn’t know I had emotions until the age of fucking 21 because the only time you’d give me any form of attention was when you were crying about my dad (fuck yeah toxic behaviour I probably mimicked but my dad was also a narcissist so :) :) :) I have self professed daddy issues don’t I just have a fucking target on my head)

(raised to think now feel later tbh which is why I was so fucking dumb when trusting the first boy I slipped into bed with YIKES IM A DUMBASS LMAO he was a complete stranger in hindsight but I trusted brea’s input and honestly I think I was just connected to her? Not her fault lovely human who went through a lot also even if she hates me lmao)

Find your own fucking voice of reason REGARDLESS MUM

She doesn’t even listen to advice and just talks over me all of the time? infuriating. I asked her yesterday if she was going through a difficult time lately and she told me no? She is having the best time everything is going really well for her etc she is really excited about life and the business

She genuinely is on top of the moon every single day. But the only things she speaks to me about: her emotional baggage. stress. this needs to be a double ended stick. to get support you need to give it. because The way Annabelle talks to you is the least of my issues when I have split personalities induced by psychosis. (My own fault. I’m an adult. I’m not blaming her).

When I black out for 3 days straight and don’t remember the last 3 years of my life...

I need a hospital.

I need a good psychiatrist and I’m in a position where I am PHYSICALLY unable to get it.

I don’t need to hear your emotional baggage.

I’m going through a hard time right now and I can’t give mundane support to people.

I’m so selfish though?

deal with your own shit IM BEING AN ACTIVE LISTENER and giving you decent support and you aren’t even asking me how my day is in return.

I do it because I love you but I fucking can’t even love myself right now please stop doing this if you don’t 100% need it? I’m only one person. This is just stupid.

everything is genuinely my fault coming down from losing reeya (especially because she heavily sided with my ex after validating the abuse but tbh I think I treated her like trash so I kinda understand and that genuinely is her decision I hope she is doing well now and we have both grown idk it was probably for the best I’m so self destructive all of the time which isn’t tight in friendships but ya girls first relationship her fucking dad died in it I’m not a miracle working despite putting on a brave face. Again not her fault she had no responsibility by me at all this is a general observation

I’m not a psychologist so I don’t know who did who wrong especially after reading the messages she and joe exchanged?? But I was always acting how I felt and being honest and he was just guilt tripping me and making me feel bad about my concerns and lack of support idk how fucked up are large groups of people heavily addicted to weed and in denial about it)

(Actually in hindsight she did side with him and: It’s just so unsettling that my ex never spoke to me about the way he was feeling only to my support networks lol? Narcissist. He would always SHIT talk everybody he had ever encountered he hates everybody except the friends sexually assaulting me on a regular basis and thinks everybody is doing him wrong and I was the only reason he probably still has friends or a brother and am currently in a position where he can make his own life. bet they all fucking dropped off the face of the earth when you stopped having a hot girlfriend they could actively fondle and you to deny it. But then again prolly not y’all all into younger girls anyway??? Actively pursuing 17 yos is still a fucking crime :) :) sex fuelled perverts )

And having to admit to myself my ex actually is trash and all of these people I was convinced were lovely and good for me weren’t actually. All of these little things are coming back and genuinely no friends should be hearing them when they do? Because it did happen two months ago and I should be over it.

fuck yeah the incredible anxiety in public (only around men) I physically can’t control HAS BEEN REAL AND SOMETHING I haven’t had to deal with in so long

I literally

Just

Shut down

I can’t breathe

But I’m fucking dealing with it in a healthy manner I don’t need anybody to act sorry for me I need long term support and I don’t get that from my family SO IM FUCKING DEALING WITH IT. IT ISNT MY FRIENDS ISSUE.

but here I am playing victim because my issues aren’t even that bad 👈👈😎 and I’m okay being alive when I’m tending to my plants dog and video games

this past year has been hell on earth (I didn’t even know I was going through a hard time honestly #gaslighting) and I have a hard time creating new support networks which is fine because we are also working on thaaaaat I’m just venting Rn. I’m pleased to report I have a lovely group of friends that took me out and dropped me off at a party during PEAK SOCIAL ANXIETY I COULDNT GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT HOLDING EITHER SAMS OR JAYDES HAND they’re fucking lovely and I forget I have mental issues around them they’re actually fucking phenomenal

REGARDLESS I needed to vent a little so that continues:

yes, I can help you

but no, you aren’t getting help

********* I shouldnt need to be having emotional outbursts 24/7 for people to acknowledge they’re effecting me or I’m going through a hard time. I’m not like that!!!! I should just be able to tell them my boundaries and conveye WHATS going on and them recognise and respect me *********

If I’m being a little bitch isn’t that the point of talking about it? fucking hurt my feelings I don’t care it’s PRODUCTIVE even if you fucking need time to like sit on them I’m so understanding WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU NEED I KNOW IT CAN BE ROUGH

“Sorry” just fucking guiltrips people without change

But it also prevents you from making meaningful connections with people if you refuse to change.

(Have fun being your dad dumbass xx)

DO WRONG? ITS GOING TO BE CONFRONTED IF I LOVE YOU BECAUSE I WANT THE BEST FOR YOU AND in turn us. Stop being a bitch about it.

But I can’t even say that with complete conviction nowadays especially in the company of people after my last relationship and my ex best friend because my reactions were mine in all of it and I did lose reeya. Objectively speaking I must have been shit because reeya isn’t a dumb person?

still haven’t told my shit psych about any of this because he is cracking onto my mum and me

And actively telling me I can’t pursue uni or any goals I bring to the table. Always cuts me off when I wish to vent.

Stress

all because I saw his face today and he acted happy to see me which is a fucking lie because that man does not have a single ounce of empathy and that’s still so apparent because all he does is fuck freshly 18-19 yo’s and bitch to my loved ones how much he misses me like lmao you never even established a bond with me I was just a trophy. but anyway he has never actually apologised or attempted to rectify any of his mistakes the only thing he has ever said to me was shit like “*fake tear* you hate me” “you just want to fuck him” (I HAVE SUCH A LOW SEX DRIVE IM ALMOST POSITIVE IM ASEXUAL I DONT WANT TO FUCK ANYBODY UNLESS IM OBSESSED WITH THEM AND I WOULD TELL HIM THIS AND HE WOULD ALWAYS TELL ME IM LYING OR IMPLY IT IM JUST TRYING TO FUCKING ACCURATELY EXPRESS MYSELF AND YOURE GUILT TRIPPING ME) “I look shit (my dad literally just died and the entire Italian family is downstairs arguing about the funeral and shit talking me to my face and I’m crying about it and the only things he says is that. I yelled at him constructive things like: it probably wasn’t the time for that I just needed support for a little while?? I felt bad and started comforting him because I loved him and him being happy made me feel better.)”

Occasionally when he was drunk “I’m the best” NARCISSISTS

Such a fucking victim playing narcissist (and his brother does it too to this poor girl named Phoenix??? But she is leaving soon if Mitch doesn’t decide following in his big brothers footsteps, fucking people younger than his little brother, is detrimental. I hope they get off drugs and spend time away from mitchs family. I’m always torn between sending her a message to establish an “sos” contact in the area but Sam still lives there so that’s comforting? But also not really because that environment is not good for Sam to be in. Torn.)

You weren’t the one cheated on buddy. You weren’t the one gaslit. You weren’t the one who lost their dad and family and had no support other than “I hate myself”.

You got an angry reaction. You did something shit.

Also;

Yes, that man in public is interesting.

Yes, I am having human conversation with him and am learning things.

Yes, I am denying his advances.

No, I clearly don’t want to fuck him. He knows I have a boyfriend. You are POSSESSIVE AND TOXIC AND IN COMPLETE DENIAL ABOUT IT. I DONT CHEAT ON PEOPLE AND IVE NEVER CHEATED ON ANYBODY. I GREW UP WITNESSING THE EFFECTS IT HAD ON MY FUCKING MUM. STOP TAKING A MALE HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH YOUR HOT GIRLFRIEND AS AN EGO JAB. FUCKWIT.

YOURE EXACTLY LIKE YOUR FUCKING DAD THAT EVEN TRIED THE EMOTIONAL ABUSE ON ME IN HINDSIGHT

You. Are. Definition of shit buddy.

I told you everything and was made to feel emotionless? I literally gave you all of my emotions. Im so dumbbbb.

You had them.

Fuck you.

My emotional responses were so skewed because you GASLIT ME.

Trash is the human that gaslights a girl losing; her dad to cancer and entire family to the ordeal.

Trash is the human that says he wants to love and support a girl going through shit like that, and believes his victim playing/self deprecating ‘issues’ are bigger than hers.

You aren’t caring because you financially supported bringing me along for your life style so you can show me off?

Closure is just something I have to live without in both regards though. Which is shit because I genuinely want to grow from fucking up that friendship with reeya?? But also I’m so mad she took my ex’s side. Like... take no side at all if you can’t make a decision.

Both people could be equal parts the problem. It’s a fucking breakup.

I think I’m mad and guilty because I let joe use all of my support networks to validate himself.... but only after they validated me.

“Do better than your parents”

But I don’t understand if I should be angry or guilty over that entire ordeal?? Because I understand clouded judgement during that time and going through your own shit and hating me during that time I was a fucking DUMBASS and a sympathiser to somebody negatively effecting me “because he has done so much for me” (it should be a thankless fucking task I gave him the opportunity to leave before this entire thing I sat him down in his dorm room and said stuff in my home life is about to get rough I don’t know how I’m going to react. I’m prepared to break things off for the time being are you positive you’re prepared to do this with me it’s genuinely okay if you aren’t.)

(All in all: acknowledging so many mistakes I made like not reacting to a lot of things and giving people the benefit of the doubt; anyway I’m actively trying to correct them and it’s difficult in this environment because my families issues are mineeeeeeee B) B) B) BUT ALSO GIVING MYSELF TO PEOPLE STRAIGHT AWAY and now I have to relearn boundaries which is fucking TIGHT)

I wish them both the best regardless.

I probably did fuck it all up.

But like they’d ever tell me? Like I’ll ever get their side.

I genuinely didn’t mean to hurt anybody and was only trying to keep the peace in every regard because that’s genuinely how I was raised

But I just didn’t know that’s actually detrimental? Like people pleasing and shit (I’m growing all over again and realigning my moral compass)

So confusing because I never used to be a people pleaser with my friendship groups or anything like that.

I feel like I just unlearnt all of the information and dialogue I worked really hard trying to secure in a relationship :) I can’t even cope with my mum bitching about my little sister without having a mental breakdown now.

it’s all coming up milhouse-

my dog is fat (he got into the giant food bag like twice and almost flipped his stomach but instead put on about 50kgs so now I’m the owner of a fat Labrador) and dog aggressive now when other dogs try and hump him (it’s very weird for renny he is usually very patient but there’s a new puppy in the family so he is kinda over being the rest dummy I think)

I’m just going to invest my time into fatass and see what happens

I don’t know what I need or who to get advice from but I’m sick of joe always being in my environment nd if people don’t let me run anyway soon prolly gna neck because everybody I love sympathises with him so much which is so confusing for me it’s like people are going to fucking validate my emotions (which means fuck all now???) and also sympathise with my fucking abuser (which also needs to be validated by a psych because this is just beyond my support networks and me anyway)

👈👈😎

but alas here covid is so I can’t run away which isn’t an answer anyway but at least then maybe I can focus on myself for a day without everybody I love abandoning me

I’m a massive victim have pitty on me I hope things look up with this new psych and they don’t just convince me I’m playing victim too but invalidating everything I say. but it’s for the best because I think I get greedy when people give me a platform when I need intense emotional support (sorry you had to deal with any of this reeya)

fuck yeah

cant even blame my mum for guilt tripping me into accepting help from my ex while on holidays it’s my fault I was in that position!!!! because I’m a shit person who genuinely deserves to be alone for the shit she has done!!!! and her mother’s issues have always been hers!!!! But I just wanted to make everybody happy and you kept reassuring me it was okay!!!!!

so fuck everybody that thinks I’m a horrible person right off the bat when men are capable of making their own decisions especially when I’m giving them all of the facts???? Fuck victim players!!!!

AGAIN DONT CRUCIFY ME THESE ARE ALL UNDERDEVELOPED BECAUSE IVE HAD NO GUIDANCE AND STRUGGLE WITH INTENSE MEMORY LOSS THE PAST 3 YEARS ALL I CAN DOCUMENT IS THE WAY I FEEL AND IM SEEing A PSYCH SOON ALL I Can do in the meantime is treat the people in my current circle with respect but I’m struggling and need my family to support me emotionally a little without invalidating me? But I can’t dump all of my shit on them consistently because fuck this level of emotional baggage on anybody other than a psych or myself lmao

But that’s okay because people will never understand how the individual feels and it genuinely is up to me to deal with my own shit.

#mine

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dahyeri · 6 years

Text

I don’t know why the sunset seems so scary to me right now

I keep looking out of my window and looking at the sun and feeling angry at it. I think it’s because when the sun sets, I know that that’s just another day gone by and time still moves like nothing ever happened... it moves and things become more final

I can’t say i’m surprised about how much this has affected me. I used to be one of those people that when a celebrity died i couldn’t empathise with the people that had followed them closely, were their ‘biggest fans’ and what not. I’d always think “It’s sad..... but how can someone feel that distraught over someone they don’t even know?”

But Jonghyun meant a lot to me. Not in the way that he would to people who know him, I’m obviously no comparison, but people touch our lives in so many different ways and he really touched mine. My life for the past 5 years has been full of lots of ups and downs, and even in the worst times I was able to look to shinee and jonghyun for solace. I also felt a lot of pride for the work he did, he always put so much effort and love and devotion and dedication and heart into everything he did and music meant so much to him and you could just feel it everytime you listened to his songs, and i would always take that feeling with me and use it to make me feel better.

I guess it breaks my heart to think he thought leaving this way was the only option. And sometimes when i’m crying i feel selfish in that theres real people that knew him and who were in his life that are grieving right now and i’m just a stupid girl sobbing in my room somewhere and he’ll never know who i am. I’m not surprised by the fact that i’m upset over this, I’m more surprised about the....feeling? I never expected something like this to hit me so hard. And it’s difficult when you feel its unjustified, you have such a horrible heartbroken feeling, you can’t sleep, you can’t eat, you constantly cry and everything makes you angry just by the sight of it existing, but then what use is it? I actually have a take home exam i’m supposed to be doing right now. I’m in the middle of finals but I just can’t function properly but of course he was never a family member, or a friend to me so I have to be expected to just move through it because i have no excuse. But he really felt like a friend. I remember looking through my posts today and finding a photo of him from maybe a couple of years ago, and one of my tags said ‘he looks like he could give me a really nice really warm hug’ and i believe it. He alwayed inspired he every time he spoke, i would always read quotes from blue night and be shocked by just how eloquent and thoughtful is in everything he says. He gave so much love to the people around hime, even to those he didn’t know well, but i can’t stop thinking about how he couldn’t afford himself the same privilege tw suicide/death

and everytime i think of him i cant help but think about how lonely he must have been at that moment. Sometimes its just one simple spur of the moment thought that makes people do it and then they’re thankful someone came and saved them in the knick of time and then they live long, good lives and it just makes me sad and angry that this didnt happen to him that he stood there in that moment and whether he was afraid or not he still went through with it and i cant even image how painful it must have been... and even the hours and days and weeks leading up until that moment, was he ever happy? sometimes there are things in life that can be that spark to make you keep going, and i see so many of those things in his life but obviously the pain was too great. i guess the sunset makes me angry because i know it means he’s just getting colder and there won’t be any warmth in that body anymore and whether you believe in heaven or a second life or anything of that kind i feel like it doesnt matter because of how final it all is.

And there’s a certain kind of..dissonance to all that i see of him and what he did. I’ve watched funny videos of him to make myself feel better, to see him happy and laughing and making others laugh but then as soon as it ends i am struck with the though of him killing himself and i can’t stop shaking. such a beautiful person shouldn’t ever be related to such horrific acts this never should have happened to him

i find it harder when someone you hear the voice of everyday, see so many times is the one to go, because their presence is so normal and you feel like you’ve taken advantage of it. i feel like i’ve taken advantage of it. I’m not really a mourning person, death hasn’t really touched my life and when my grandma died i didnt cry. i guess i was really young and couldn’t quite understand death at that time, but now with jonghyun the years of my life that i spent knowing him were some of the hardest, and losing him has ben like losing some of the ground underneath that i stand on and i can’t pick myself up I still can’t believe it. I’m the kind of person that actively seeks out information on these things, it seems self destructive but i would rather look at things on my own terms than be caught off guard by a stray facebook post i never wanted to see. And there’s so many regrets i have and so many thoughts that i can’t stop thinking about at the same time. I keep thinking about how much pain he must have been in at that moment, i think of his sister and how much she has to carry with her now for the rest of her life, i think about the possibility of how if they had just been that bit faster maybe he’d still be here, i keep thinking about shinee and when they must have last saw jonghyun, what did they say? was it something they regretted?, how they’ll make it through the next days, months, years, i think of his mother and everything she must be feeling. I just have so many thoughts and each one is worse than the next but then i think about my role in it all and i cant help it. I think about how i was studying while he killed himself, how i had a slight headache when they found him, how i was probably laughing at a joke somewhere across the city while this was all happening. I wonder why i dismissed going to his concert when i had the chance, “nah, i’ll wait till the full shinee concert” and think did i take him for granted? i loved him, but did i love him enough? And to say you ‘love’ someone in this context is so strange, because theyre not directly part of youre life and yet you feel so close to them. For a long time i loved how he helped me when i needed it, i loved how funny he was in his dopey silly way, i loved his voice and the emotion that flowed through it, i loved his smile that i thought “i want to see this, up close someday”, i love how incredibly intelligent he was and i always thought i’d found someone i could look up to and strive to be like. I loved the love he gave to others, including myself, but i feel selfish for taking everything he had to give and leaving him empty. I didn’t want to write this in past tense, but i guess i had to. Seeing things like death date on his profile makes everything so surreal. I think “but, this can’t happen to him, it’s jonghyun” or “there must be some mistake”. I look at the words “died” over and over and over again until i cry and cry and then i look away only to look back again and do the same. It still doesn’t feel real, it feels real and yet it doesn’t I want to be positive like other people have, and say that i’m happy for the time that he was in my life. But i can’t help but think of what he was going through at this time. It feels like i had years and years to do something, anything, but i know this what out of my hands which makes me feel worse and helpless. I really am not the kind of person to write things like this at all. Again, i never understood why people did this when celebrities died but now i know. i know too well. My heart aches in ways i never thought it would and even with how much i’ve said it doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of what i’m feeling. I also hate being here, its the first time that i’ve truly hated being in seoul. I didnt want to go outside because all i could see is the snow that came down yesterday and it reminded me of him, i don’t want to see people going on with their lives, i don’t want to see the daily routine of things and time passing by. I feel like i can just shut myself in my room and grieve in my own space because thats the only way i know how to cope. But when i look out my window, and i see the road near my house, and i know that if i followed that road, if i just kept following it and all of it twists and different streets then i know i would end up where he is, where they all are, and i just which i wasnt constantly aware of its existence. Some part of me wants to go there, to just stand outside so theres some kind of finality and closure but i don’t know if that would make it worse. i dont know what will make it better. i dont know what ‘it’ is but whatever it is it hurts. This is a kind of shock i’ve never experienced, and i’m trying hard to validate my feelings. i’m trying to take care of myself but who knew that would be so difficult too? I guess my main feelings right now are anger and fear. Anger for the pain he was in all these years, anger for what he felt he had to do to himself, anger at everyone and everything, rational or irrational i am just angry. And i fear what comes next. I’m scared of all the things people have to say, i’m scared of the funeral to come, i’m scared of turning the tv on and seeing the news and becoming acutely aware of the reality of it all, i’m scared about what lives will be like after this, i’m scared of my own feelings and how to cope with them. Obviously things get better with time, but not for everyone. I admit i’m a sensitive person, i often think and cry about the day my dog will die because of how old he is and how much he means to me. So i wonder now that i will be part of the unfortunate category of people that never recover from these things. and you might think “i know you’re hurting right now, and that’s why you feel this way. but give it time and you’ll look back at yourself and just feel sad that you felt this way”. But i know myself, and i know my feelings. I know how things affect me, and i felt this, and still feel it, so deep inside myself that i don’t think it will go away anytime soon. I wonder when i will stop crying, or i at least wonder when i will be able to function properly. I’m aware that i could fall back into mild depression, i’m at a dangerous point where this incident is combined with the fact that i have most of my major exams and i can’t fail them but with what im feeling i havent been able to do anything and i just feel like i cant muster enough of my energy to care. How have i preoccupied the entire 10 or so hours ive been awake with nothing but thought of him? with nothing but tears for him? It’s sadder now knowing when these things happened, when i was on the brink or at my lowest i always turned to him, and to shinee. i guess its ironic now. This is so dumb and emotional but i just want to scream!!! and cry and weep and sob and i have to get it out otherwise it just hurts too much. The words ‘hurt’ and ‘pain’ i’ve used too much i know but until i have better words to describe what i’m feeling, what has happened, then i’ll be using them

Remember 1of1? it feels kind of cruel now to think they went off a concept based solely on them being a whole unified unit of 5.

Is it karma? to think that while jonghyun was suffering, and i was taking his voice and his music and his thoughts and feelings with me and using them for my own gains, that the only thing i was ever thinking was “i hope shinee never disbands. I don’t know what i’d do without them. i’m so so scared of that day, what would i do after that?”. It seems so small now. I was scared of how i would feel when they parted ways but still lives long happy lives, so now my feelings are so beyond that that im struggling to conceptualise them. It’s difficult for people with mental health issues. We invest our feelings in things that we think will help us through hard times, and even as i think about it i dont think there was anything else that i invested my feelings in. it was always shinee. Theres a certain kind of joy you feel when you engage with things that comfort you thats unlike anything else, its like a big sigh or exhale of breathe and a feeling that you can just forget about everything and just be in the moment with them. Jonghyun always made me feel that way, no matter what.

I’m still trying to express the magnitude of what i feel right now but i can’t..... i would probably type for hours but it still won’t cut it. I see pictures of his face and i have mixed reactions because i know hes gone but i feel like he isnt. I see his pictures everyday, so how is today any different? my brain can’t comprehend the difference and i’m scared about what will happen when it does.

But i won’t feel stupid anymore for how i’m feeling. It’s justified, and its justified for everyone else. I just wish other people could see that so i didnt feel so alone

I don’t want to say goodbye. Even typing that i feel silly, but i just wish he knew how loved he was. I want to pick myself up and imagine him in a better place somehow but its hard. I want to look at the sunset again and not find it so incredibly terrifying, i want to walk outside again and not have to think about how you’ll never have the feeling of the cold on your fingers when the wind gets too strong, or how you’ll never see the snow fall again and settle on the trees, or how you’ll never see that sunset and think “what a good day it was to live”. Why is it so unfair that i have to see these things and know you never will again.

I loved him so much, i love him so much. and i’m so so so sorry for absolutely everything. i’m so incredibly sorry. I hope you feel better now and know so many people love you, i love you i love you You did well.

#i feel like i just had to externalise things #ive talked to people but i feel like i can't fully dump on them without feeling bad or without them understanding #personal #don't know how to move on

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gwisingegooli · 6 years

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it’s always kinda funny trying to figure out why things ended up the way they did, in terms of all the small decisions and where the mistakes where made

yesterday i was way too fucking tired to hang out w the de anza degens and watch the league of legends world finals. i pretty much took us home from aquis and i passed the fuck out.

and later michael said he kinda wished he couldve hung with them, and later when i woke up i felt the same. but even while sleeping i told michael not to wake me during the world finals and i just peaced the fuck out.

so reflecting on it — i definitely should not have stayed up drinking til like 3 the day before yesterday, when i had to wake up for my rideshare by like 9. especially when the day before i had stayed up smoking and cleaning my room til 5, and then i woke up at like 12. and when the day before that i had stayed up til 5 drinking, and then i woke up for my 8 am, and didnt really have time to nap properly after.

so yeah, a landslide of bad sleeping decisions. but especially the night before, i shouldve turned in early so my body wasnt so done w me.

my rideshare was also fucking awful. my driver was a pushover, and so am i a little bit. and the other guy in the rideshare loved to take advantage of that! he was seedy and shady and i hated him so much for manipulating us because we were nice. he made our rideshare take us to wholefoods, to ross, etc like get his chores done bc we thought it was nbd. i would say i dont want to, or we shouldnt, but i wasnt firm enogh and i ended up getting totally steamrolled over. im never going to let myself get taken advantage of ever again.

michael was super steamed bc i ended up making him wait too, bc i came later than i thought since we were doing this guys fucking chores. i told him i tried to say something but then he texted me — “well you should say fuck no” “you fucking idiot” in separate texts and i thought he called me a fucking idiot. he texted right after “him being the fucking idiot” but i didnt see that because i had put my phone down after the text before trying not to cry.

it literally destroyed me and made me so sad and when he came to pick me up he was super angry, not at me at all, but at what happened. he was frustrated for sure but i thought he had called me that, and it had scared me because i thought it was super unfair and mean and uncharacteristic. it’s crazy that i thought he would even say that to me because he never would??? i think i was super insecure and projecting how i felt about myself, and i still felt it was within the realm of possibility he would say that to me so i couldnt even look at him.

i was quiet on the ride back, and he started talking to me and asking what happened, and i started crying trying to explain. and he said he understood but as the conversation went on he said he didnt understand why i hadnt apologized yet for making him wait. and i said i apologized over text, and im sorry for making him wait. but he said my apology didnt sound genuine. he said he wasnt trying to be difficult, especially on our first meeting. the situation must’ve been very confusing for him because i was reacting to a misunderstanding that we hadn’t know had happened yet.

i told him i didnt know what to do about that, if i am apologizing genuinely. i told him im just trying to understand what happened because it was kind of traumatizing to be taken advantage of like that and then in hindsight realize how you were manipulated, and then come see your boyfriend super angry because i wasnt able to take control of a situation and he has to be part of it all and how scary that was. and he asked me, confused, why i was scared? and i told him i was so tired and hungry and scared and sad and confused and i didnt want to have to do all of this. and he said thats ok, we can drop it.

later i said im sorry for being a pussy. and even though it makes it so that im not looking at myself, im sorry that guy was such a dick that you felt the radius of his awfulness. he laughed and said that felt apology felt more genuine. and he said he was just happy to see me.

when i got home i checked my texts and then i said “oh...” and explained how i had thought he called me a fucking idiot and he dropped everything and came to hug me and apologize and said he would never say that to me and like went hardcore on saying sorry. i was just happy everything was cleared up and i told him not to do that in texts ever again >:( and he was like ofc ;_;

so now after being physically exhuasted i had to go through an emotionally draining experience over a bad text. i bet if i wasn’t so exhuasted i wouldve been able to figure out how to sort things better, and realized why i was so upset.

then i always couldve powered through being so exhuasted but at aqui’s like. justin was so fucking annoying. like listening to justin talk, even when i am fully rested, destroys my social stamina. he makes me want to be rude and ignore him and give one word responses because otherwise i will go crazy. and then if u seem tired he’s like “are you okay?” and its like yes, but no because of you. please stop being annoying.

even looking at will is pretty triggering now because my perception of him has been realigned w how he really is bc of a few recent mishaps. i could go into them in detail but basically he’s just a little kid who has a lot of growing up to do, isnt good at listening, being open minded, planning things.... i had to dd because he fucked up planning on the way there. he told his friends to come and then we ended up heading out when they were supposed to come!! like yes, george shouldve checked his phone for the change in plans but also. stop sending conflicting plans last minute. >:( i am the most tired one here. and then no one else offered to drive because it was all last minute. like i am back for the first time and y’all aint even gonna warmly greet me and take care of me???????? just kidding but also not kidding LOL

so the table seating at aqui’s was fucking awful. daniel was way on the edge when he should be sitting near me and michael cause he’s the only other cool person. alvin was fine but i was like zzz because justin was in the center. justin does like one on one conversations “well” (by this i mean he can keep a conversation going for forever and not in a good way) so he should be on the side. will was playing a fucking phone game so he shouldve been on the side. alvin ended up being on his phone too.

daniel tried to engage but the tables are too far and he could only make like funny eye contact w us every once in a while and i was like TT

so i slowly phased in and out of consciousness and then by the end of the trip i was like. michael. i need to go and die in peace rn.

and thats why i missed worlds. its a lot of situational things but thats why you gotta make sure you aren’t HALT (hungry angry lonely tired) so you can evaluate your situations and fix shit up and be actually alive to take on the world.

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