#cope with all my mental illnesses)

[honeypleasejustkillme]

i use dissociation more than anything i’ve ever learned in my 10yrs of therapy

#actually bpd #bpd problems #bpd vent #actually borderline #actually mentally ill #bpd fp #bpd #bpd shitposting #bpd favorite person #bpd mood #dissociation is my favorite coping mechanism #that and avoidance #i love avoiding my problems until i can’t take it anymore and have a full blown breakdown about it #it’s easier to go through life ignoring everything that’s bothering you until it all just explodes one day #idk maybe that’s just me tho #right after every breakdown i feel like shit tho cuz i usually freak out everyone around me but i don’t know how else to cope #even tho i’ve had 10yrs of therapy nothing else worked for me #so dissociation it is babyyyy

[redstrewn]

He's on my whiteboard now

#ignore his wonky eyes i can never make things symmetrical #been trying to PULL mah shit together so he's there to cheer me on w all my daily routine listed on whiteboard #GRAB THAT TOOTHBRUSH DATTEBAYO type beat (post reference) #(it goes like “sometimes you have to be a bit mentally ill to get mentally well” i.e. be cringe about blorbos to cope w daily life) #redstrewn art

[not-poignant]

Jesus H Christopher, Pia. Your writing load is insane.

Maybe you should cut back on how many chapters you release for certain stories? Like Stain and Palma (since these stories dont equal income) until UtB the other Underline stories are almost done. Just a thought

Because I feel burnt out just by thinking of writing that much, so I can only imagine how you feel. Please take care of yourself

Hi anon,

TL;DR: My brain is stupid, which is why I can't do this, even though it makes sense and is logical.

Unfortunately the fanfiction is what often makes the original fiction possible, or more enjoyable.

If I lock myself down into too much schedule and rigidity, or if I only focus on writing for money, I actually start to hate writing, even if I love the stories. There is nothing like 'will this earn money, do people like this, would people pay, what if they all decide to stop paying for this, why would they pay for this, would I pay for this, how much would people pay for this, is there any incentive for them to pay for this, actually if I wrote a ton of different tropes maybe I'd make more for this, but that's depressing, but I need the money, shit what do I do, what if I lose my income, what if it all stops tomorrow, I need to write more, I need to write more, I need to write more' that is actually very exhausting and makes writing not much fun at all.

And to deliberately break out of that headspace as much as possible, I write fanfiction. Because that headspace (the one I wrote about above), on its own, even if I'm only writing two stories, can and has led to burnout and depressive episodes. I don't recommend it.

In a way, one of the reasons I can write so many stories right now (ADHD meds aside) is that I am letting myself break out and just have fun with fanfiction, and remember that my original writing is meant to be fun too. But without fanfiction, I lose sight of that very quickly.

Fanfiction means that when an original story chapter does super badly, generally there are still excited comments elsewhere that keep me going. That's how I survived The Ice Plague, and that story would never have been completed without fanfiction, because that was my worst performer of any story I've ever written. It also means if a lot of subscribers leave at once, I don't feel like The Worst Writer In The World. So having fanfiction behind me was like...a literal safety net or my security blanket.

If I have to discard my security blankets or use them less often in order to keep writing the original stuff, I might as well just stop entirely, because my longest hiatuses from Patreon (i.e. one lasted 1.5 years, many have lasted 4-6 months) have been when I'm mostly just writing original fiction, and am not writing much fanfiction, or not deliberately finding time for it, and finally get so stressed out re: money I literally have to stop. I'm on a (partial) Disability Pension.

A long time ago some professional people told me I probably shouldn't be working at all because of my mental illnesses and then paid me money because of the severity of those mental illnesses. My dumbass brain be pretty fragile, actually, and keeps chugging away because I make bad business decisions and write stuff I enjoy instead of writing to market, or doing rapid release, or releasing more novels (or novels). Writing does ironically help when I'm stressed, but not when I'm stressed about making money because of writing.

I will cut at my income before I cut at my love of this job, and unfortunately fanfiction keeps me going in this job, which means I can't really cut at that first.

(Also from a business perspective, it's actually a very good funnel to the original stuff and then subscription. Most of you wouldn't be here if you hadn't read one of my fanfics first and then gave the original stuff a try - I try not to think about that too much because I need fanfic to not be about money, but the fact is, I would not have this career without fanfic).

I do have plans to take two weeks off in January from posting chapters (I can still post rewards in the second half of January) and that's not too far away.

And the reality is that I probably would have kept going okay if real life hadn't imploded on top of everything like the world's worst bukkake party.

#asks and answers #personal #pia on writing #i am not a smart business owner #i'm an emotional fragile mentally ill one #who has to make decisions that keep me wanting to do this job #because at the end of the day #my severe treatment-resistant mental illnesses #do not do well with the pressure of making money #and feeling like a failure #so i need to actually do things that aren't about money at all #to remind myself that i don't need to have a breakdown #over never making a minimum wage #(i'm getting closer though which is probably why this burnout came on) #(i've been pushing a lot harder than normal because... well... i'd like to make #an average income one day) #(i may not be smart enough or well enough to do that) #(but i will keep trying) #i just have to keep trying as someone with a very broken mind #who copes with that brokenness through working hard #breaks are stressful and i have to think hard about what's best

[hella1975]

when alex g said i'm gonna crack a rib when i get home i'm gonna bury you in my favourite hole i made a bloody mess in the kitchen sink i tried to fix myself but i didn't think and when alex g said leave your body leave your mind don't you know you're out of time and when alex g said i don't want to see me i wanna be trapped in you i don't want to be me but im gonna pretend for you and when alex g said string the sinner by his wings in his head a brittle bone and when alex g said mary is the girl that leaves you to rot she says 'i am real and you are not' and when alex g said don't you know she's been here all along in a dream and when alex g said she loves me like a dog and when alex g said nothing compares to the fever dream it's what i do i wait for you and when alex g said dry your eyes i won't tell your mother she won't ever discover the things you kept under the covers and please don't cry i am not your brother i am not your lover and there is nothing wrong and when alex g said you know what they do to little dogs like you and when alex g said every day is a blessing as i walk through the mud if i live like the fishes i will rise from the flood and when alex g said you were born inside your head and that is where you'll be when you are dead you are just a boy you are no man and nobody you know will understand and when alex g said remember when you took too much i didn't mind being your crutch i loved you then it's not the same i don't like how things change and when alex g said you're starting to look really weird yeah your face is out of place and i can't make you out and when alex g said-

#AND IT'S ALL SUNG IN THAT REALLY RAW BORDERLINE BAD VOICE LIKE IT'S JUST SOME GUY SINGING INTO HIS PHONE IN A BASEMENT. YOU AGREE #really surprised that tumblr the home of bone and flesh fixation and dog motifs and mental illness hasnt latched onto alex g more yet #like he's doing all that and yet his tag is full of 5 note posts. where are my people #do you know how much worse you could feel if you listened to one (1) alex g song #he's sooooo my hometown coded. everything is miserable and grey and everyone is on something to cope. yeah the love persists regardless #alex g

[orowyrm]

my apple pencil died but my ‘darvo and maroo are twins who haven’t seen eachother since they were kids after maroo moved out at the first opportunity, leaving darv home to deal with frohds wrath alone, and only just recognized eachother as the sibling they both assumed to be dead after meeting again several decades later, after they’ve both left the corpus for good and assumed new identities, and now they have no idea how to go about reconnecting because despite being so close as kids they barely know eachother so they just kinda make awkward small talk or insult eachother until once in a blue moon they both crack and start weeping in eachothers arms over all the bullshit they’ve been through and how unfair it was before collectively deciding to pretend that never happened and moving on with their lives’ theory, while thoroughly unfounded, is practically real in my mind which honestly is all that counts and so i’m running with it. means a lot to me. especially in light of. uh. recent events. i care about them a lot.

#coping with all the fuckshit happening with me and my sister with unprecedented levels of mental illness #warframe

[scarefox]

This episode they really showed how Uea wants sex to distract himself to make the bad feelings go away for a while and King is the only safe option (not the best way of coping maybe atm but it gets better). Hope they will make him talk about it because I feel many in the audience still don’t understand the link between sex and comfort and coping especially for an abuse victim who always turns to it after triggering events (still think this part is more about the mom, cause whenever the stepdad is part of the trigger he can’t have sex or cuddles ... at least can’t enjoy it as we have seen in this episode). Shortly said, an orgasm gives you dopamine, and it’s all your mind and body focuses on in that moment. Reasons why this could end up in an addiction under the wrong circumstances. Under the right ones it can be therapeutic and have an antidepressant effect.

Uea is a bit torn with King. The caring side of King is an unexpected surprise for him every time. He doesn't really expect kindness from people. But he's glad whenever he receives it from people he trusts. Which King became a part of way too fast for Uea to admit (he’s a player after all). That’s why he rarely shows King his smiles when he’s fond of him. I think the cake scene was one of the rare moments he truly showed him this kind of vulnerability to him (him being truly happy, it’s a delicate feeling easily snatched away under his circumstances). He also took a long time to even understand that King really means it, that this birthday cake is really for him because King really wants to make him happy and he’s allowed to take it. I wonder if the little cake fight and unceremonial bite into the cake is an emotional defense from Uea to not get too deep into vulnerable emotions and turn it into fun / silly & sexy moment instead while still keeping the good vibe.

He’s not ready for an emotional bond with him yet when they clearly stated from the beginning this will just be about sex and they don’t even like each other (we all know that’s a lie). I suspect Uea has trust issues as well since his stepdad always acts nice, caring and misunderstood... so Uea needs a while to learn if people really mean it or if they just want something from him.

I bet that will become a big issue at some point, when they both think the other has no feelings while they secretly do have feelings. I fear Uea will push King away for a while when their feelings get clearer.

#bed friend the series #bed friend #ep4 #king x uea #here have another round of trauma and coping rumbling #the reason why I can understand Uea that well is because I also have a dysfunctional fam just not THAT bad (not physical) #and I got to a few bad people outside of my fam #I have a big urge almost a survival instinct to learn human behavior since childhood #as self-defense and to navigate through this world of neurotypicals as a neurodivergent person #I basically suck up everything about WHY humans do what they do. like criminals. what trauma does to you and how mental illnesses work etc #also all the psychology and science behind sex and sexuality (including k!nk and erotic) is a big topic for me #i don't just read about that stuff I watch recordings and documentaries and interviews as well #basically down to the core of fac.ial expressions and body language and thinking patterns #learned a few things from my therapist as well #not saying I am a certified specialist I just learned a few things through my life #and while this is obviously just a tv show they still did some research

[sebcosmothetransguy]

(tw)

🎵🎶what do we do when we have depressive thoughts?🎶🎵

👏make art👏

🎵🎶what do we do when we have sh urges?🎶🎵

👏make art👏

🎵🎶what do we do when we wanna die?🎶🎵

👏make art👏

🎵🎶what do we do when we wanna self-sabotage?🎶🎵

👏make art👏

🎵🎶and what do we do when we are remembering our trauma?🎶🎵

👏make art👏

#tw: mention of sh #vent #tw vent #silly depressed posting #all the misunderstandings with that one post i made has been getting to me #i don’t know why it’s getting to me so much #but yeah #depressed posting #anxiety posting #mental health #mentally ill #anxious #depressed #anxiety #depression #sh urges #si urges #coping mechanism #making art helps sometimes #i’ll make that art for my short story now maybe #or maybe i’ll game a bit #i’m not too sure yet #i’ll be safe though #self sabotage #wanna not be good though #wanna self isolate though #and in the span of a few minutes my tumblr feed has turned into posts about bpd #i find it scary how when i was in a toxic relationship i had so many symptoms of bpd #like that was just trauma #and it’s sad and terrifying that someone can feel that way every single day

[seven-oomen]

Listen I get that you have BPD. I get that you have a mental illness. But that doesn't excuse rude or shitty behavior.

I kinda get why people are fed up with you.

#borderline personality disorder #bpd #actually mentally ill #this is specifically about #my friend with bpd who tried to invite multiple other people along even though today was supposed to be about us reconnecting #because she missed us and felt like we were growing apart #so me and our other friend went out of our ways to clear our agendas to see her today #and then she asked me last night if other people that i don't know well can come along today too #eh no? i have a chronic illnesses and i dont cope well with strangers #oh and she didnt even ask our other friend if it was okay #she just changed the plan without notifying him at all #so we cancelled #and she didn't even apologize to him for trying to invite people he didnt even know #like i get that you find it difficult to tell someone no sorry i have plans #i understand #but at LEAST ask both people you're meeting up with if it's okay to bring more people along? #instead of just springing that fact on him q #1.5 hours before meeting up #and then at least apologize for your behavior #but no #sorry but I'm kinda understanding why people are fed up with you at this point

[gaywatch]

brittanyyyy how are youuu 🥺🥺 hoping you get to the best of your health soon 💕💕

Thank you for the concern, darling. <333 I'm still waiting on a call from the doctor I was referred to, but I've had one or two better* night's of sleep this week and cutting back on my schedule has helped a lot.

I'm gonna stay at minimal productivity until I start treatment (whenever that is, next few weeks to a couple months) which is a big blow to my plans for this year. But on the other hand when I can fully come back I'll be firing on all cylinders for the first time in my entire life and that seriously excites me. I'm gonna make so much stuff for y'all. Just all the things. But I gotta be able to sleep first, lol.

*Better sleep, for me, is still awful by normal standards. It means waking up every hour and a half to three hours instead of every forty-five minutes.

#GW Asks #I tell you what though #letting myself be tired is a huge weight off the situation #Sleep deprivation is a slow burn #and the transition from 'this is manageable' to 'this isn't manageable at all but you still think it is' turns out to be #a rather insidious fine line #One day you're coping #and the next day you realize this became unreasonable three months ago #It's a whole thing #But don't get me started on the irony of figuring out how to actually do all the things I want to do in my life #in the same eighteen month span as my body getting more and more exhausted #Twenty years of sorting through mental illness and childhood trauma just to Do Things and then physical illness pops up to stop me anyway? #Who invented THAT?

[honeypleasejustkillme]

being in isolation after an episode makes me feel nothing but abandoned and alone, it does nothing but make my mental health worse

#actually bpd #bpd problems #bpd vent #actually borderline #actually mentally ill #bpd fp #bpd #bpd shitposting #bpd favorite person #bpd mood #all of my friends are abandoning me because they “want me to get better #as if ignoring me and abandoning me will make me feel better #all it does is make me feel like i am replaceable and easy to abandon #i am not coping #all i’m doing is crying and wanting to die

[manicpixiefelix]

I genuinely can’t fathom how you pump out such quality writing in so little time like omgg

thank you, i have the worst sleep schedule you could ever possibly imagine❤️

#theres a lot of ways i could answer this but this is.. hm. the least concerning?? #like saltburn very literally triggered me into a manic episode and writing is how i cope?? #performance enhancing drugs (ADHD medication) #over a decade of experience??? #all true but so is the sleep schedule thing and thats Snappy #im also addicted to validation thats another reason #if i don't write the stories get stuck in my head and build up and make me sick??? still true #the worms have joined forces with my mental illness and formed a saltburn based union?? hm #it shouts back

[ennaih]

Not Every Film I Watch In 2024 2. Goodnight Mister Tom (1998)

#goodnight mister tom #goodnight mister tom (1998) #2024filmgifs #my gifs #my god that was brutal on the emotions #and i loved every bit of it #harrowing and heartwarming #exactly my kind of war film #or at least a film that takes place during a war #the kid was pretty unconvincing in the second half of the film #but he was excellent in the first half #and everyone else was flawless #my stomach actually spasmed at the abuse #never wanted to backhand someone across a room so much #even though they were clearly super mentally ill but still my god #but the healing was wonderful #and the lessons on how to cope with grief were excellent #i loved this so much #you can keep your stupid Dunkirks and Saving Private Ryans #and all that Murrican gung ho bullshit about beating the Nazis #this is the kind of war film i cherish #the struggle and trauma and healing on the home front #i feel like Leslie Howard would have really loved this film #somehow #this would make such a good double feature with Summerland #i should rewatch that soon

[barkbrained]

You have to think things will get better, otherwise what is the point!!! You have to hold out hope that things will get better and then maybe one day things will feel safe and be cool and everything will be fine (at least as fine as it can be)

#misc #rbs okay #I’m just so tired of the state of the world and I’m so tired of feeling unsafe every day #so tired of being tired. I have to hope my body will heal and I will feel better but it’s so hard #change has to come at some point and I have to hope I can make it to that point #I’m having a terrible time coping with the pain and fatigue and mental strain covid has left me with #I want to feel okay again so badly #all I want in the world is to make art and experience art and music and movies and live a little life with my partner in some place nice #I’m scared I’ll never feel okay enough to have that and I’m scared the world won’t ever feel safe enough again to have that #I just keep telling myself something has to change and trying to believe it so hard #if I make it through this pandemic with any semblance of health and stability I will be happy #I don’t even want to think about how much trauma the pandemic has given me and will continue to give me #I grieve everyday for the world that could’ve been and the person I will never get the chance to be because of this pandemic #my health anxiety has skyrocketed in the past four years and just keeps getting worse #I can’t hear people coughing or sneezing or sniffling without panicking for a few seconds every time #I already had emetophobia before 2020 but now I have the same panicked feeling from anyone exhibiting any signs of illness #it’s exhausting T-T everything is exhausting #sorry for vent-ish post on main ik it’s not very professional but whatever this is my blog #covid tw

[kotonohas-obsession]

#he is going to ruin his life by making the decision to stay by my side #but i got pretty priviledge #yancore #he is mine #actually mentally ill #rena ryuugu #animecore art #irlyandere #yanderecore #non serious traumacore #yandere coping #yanspo #insanecore #girlboss #girlblogging #lain #lets all love lain

[bugbxyjunk]

the only thing that keeps me going in the school year is academic validation

#i am nothing without praise from teachers/my talent search woman officer thing #and my parents #last year i was crumbling because i kept getting sick and my grades dropped so much #not this year #i cannot do that again #god i always feel like my mental health is better during summer #i just get so bad during the school year #tw for relapse in this last bit don't continue if that's something you can't handle rn 🫶 #also i always end up relapsing in the school year #with everything #my ed flares up so bad during school and my coping mechanism for that is not any better #im just trying to stay positive but its kinda hard when all of my thoughts are fighting in my head #bugs junk #vent #sorry guys #like #really sorry #i know i try to keep in positive and funny here #ill be fine soon my posts Will be normal again and sharks/mlm stuff again

[dreamboypieces]

From the bottom of my heart thank you to adults older than their 20s who talk about getting better and who are open and honest about their mental health in the past and their present mental health and who make it their mission to be a beacon of hope for kids and younger people who don't think they'll make it past whatever age theyre at. Like I cant even express how invaluable that representation is. I'd go as far as to say it saves lives.

#this post is specifically about folk punk dad on TikTok but its also about all adults who do this on and off social media #ive been doing really bad lately and tonight I'm crying again and i feel so scared about everything I have coming for me in my life #but as odd as it is my mind drifted to folk punk dad and I just felt so much hope. if he can do it I know it's possible. #eben though I know bad days or episodes may never go away. at least there's hope that one day I'll be able to cope and manage. #mental health awareness #mental illness #og