#commissions or something im not going to get it and its really frustrating bc i used to get 10k+ reach easily

[kokoasci]

has anyone else been getting like no reach on insta lately or is that. just me

#im sincerely debating restarting my account or like leaving it honestly #i hate that app so much and i would think id get reach with 7.5k but??? no??? #idk whats going on if its shadow banning or what and i know i shouldnt care about numbers but when i actually need reach for + #commissions or something im not going to get it and its really frustrating bc i used to get 10k+ reach easily #and dont even get me started on the hashtag system

[mrfutureboy]

:c

#original entry #im going to vent about art stuff #so feel free to skip this #so im frustrated bc drawing has been so hard for me this past year and if yall couldnt tell im not really making any art definitely not post #ing it. im aware its one of those things thatll only get worse the less i do it bc PRACTICE IS IMPORTANT #but my life this past year has been all over the place and so i havent had time and really no motivation #however i have a few commissions from december i still havent finished #and i feel HORRIBLE that its taken me so long #but some of these pieces. one in particular i have to pretty much redraw every time i come back to it bc its just giving me so many problems #(this isnt the fault of the commissioner lemme just go ahead and say that now) #i WANT to work on it and i work on it for hours but theres no progress bc ive just erased and redrawn things that whole time but something #STILL always looks off and it makes me so frustrated and i want to cry #and so im frustrated but i feel so guilty bc its been such a long time and so often when i do come back to it i just wanna give up and refun #d them. bc it isnt enjoyable anymore #it isnt enjoyable and given how much time ive already spent struggling its really not worth the money. especially bc my comms were half pric #e when i got all these comms (which is WHY i got all these comms) #so i feel like i devalued my self a little and i definitely spread myself way too thin bc i got like 6 commissions in one night or smth like #that. but i feel so guilty giving up!! this persons been WAITING for this!!! #idk yall i didnt want to cry so i stopped working on it but im SO frustrated and dont know what to do

[couch-house]

2023 baybeeeee. havent done an art summary in a while since i basically stopped drawing early 2020 and didn't get back on the horse until mid-2022 (i wonder... what could have caused that!) i dont feel like my art has really changed this year, only in the ways that I draw specific sonic characters (looking through my archive is fun bc i can see the progression of the diseases known as Giving Them Big Eyebrows and Drawing The Monoeye) and--more exciting 4 me--my practice with paneling comics! :)

i think the progression is much more noticeably when you line it up with last year's sonic art... i can see all the Milestones.. more talking abt that under the cut

May: couch gets into sonic. June: Yucky Sonic 1.0. this was also the month when i Heard Of fleetway super. July: couch comes back from brazil, having read stc. this is also when i start dong actual short comics. compare may -> june -> july. (also please forgive whatever tf i was doing with skintones. i needed some practice)

august: merger au takes shape. dog invented. also i just really like that speed racer sonic mspaint picture. its fun :) september: deep in the fleet mines. october: i lose a lot of steam and mostly just doodle. another comic comparison for those three months:

november: frontiers comes out. i go crazy mode and make that sonic + knuckles comic with the pretty backgrounds and LOTS OF TINY TEXT. december: winter break AND im tired. january 2023 i come back insane crazy mode and write some fanfiction?? still havent finished that LOL. made some nice cover art :) february: i shift into knuckles mode fora month. make another comic. this one is much better i think :) november -> february

march: i shift into transfem metal sonic mode. also just stick to a lot of doodling. also write more fanfiction. crazy. april: transitory period as i shift back into stc/exit: sonic mode. may: more fanfiction. more comics. i really like how both of these turned out :) while the last two were definitely taking a lot more notes from stc, i think around here i start paying attention to and trying to learn from more creative panelling from artists i admire. like @/superemeralds THOAM and @/starrjoy's pandora au.

june: i play sa2 and it's good. july: i play unleashed and it is both miserable and good. i get in kind of an artistic frustration zone and wiggle my way out. august: idk i think im just chillin. super react dot jpeg happens. it's not even named that, it's named after the other image on the canvas, which was maria holding baby shadow. more comics.

september: i burn out for a bit. get real tired. eventually get back up and make more comics. the goal here and last month has become "try to make more interesting panel shapes. I've noticed other artists don't just use rectangles--try playing with irregular polygons and see where it gets you." well it gets you mixed results as you learn :) also i think after that pause i accept the monoeye into my life. sigh...

october: oc showdown starts and @/neurotypical-sonic asks me to make some halloweeny art :) feels like i dont do much this month bc i focus on those. november: A LOT OF ART?? INSANE. more oc showdown stuff. i play shadow the hedgehog (2005). it's good and i love it. i draw a ton of shit on one canvas for it. Fucking Dember: i have shifted back into stc/EXIT mode. motivation's a little weird bc work's a little weird. doing commissions also makes it weird. well im having fun and being myself :) a final handful of comics from this month:

idk maybe ill do something sicko crazy b4 the end of the year. mayb i'll follow exit sonic's example and #GetWorse. who knows :) well this is fun i love looking at my art and seeing and noticing things. thank u all for your support and I hope we all have a great 2024!

#id in alt text #partially descriptive... i put the details i figured were relevant #art summary #i have WPRDS to SAY. i like thinking abt my art #okayvwell this was supposed to stay a draft but WHATEVER

[crackheadass]

quick rant

madre wants me to do another illustration for her buisness bc she "doesnt wanna fork out 100$ to some random designer" or some shit which is fine and dandy by me, i already did a shirt design for her and it got great reviews. my problem is her attitude bc.

like any commission im asking questions about what she wants, is this good, what kind of pose do you want, what style do you want, ect. and shes just getting mad at me? her attitude being that of "just do it" do WHAT GIRL?? I NEED DETAILS!

for the style she chose a chibi character bc when she walked in to ask me to draw for her i was already drawing some chibs and the idea of a small character kinda fits with her buisness name i guess?

but the issue is im not sure thats what she really wants? she showed me another buisness example and its more corporate and simplified and when i brough that up like are you sure you want this cutesy style she got frustrated with me for questioning her but like.

she specifically said she wanted it to paste onto her buisness images like a logo or watermark, that it would get shrunk down and have her buisness name next to it, when i brought up that the chibi would seem more like a mascot than a logo she stormed off and wouldnt listen to my reasoning.

reasonig being, whats the point of drawing a complicated cutesy and detailed character if its going to become a tiny pixalated mess superimposed onto other pictures? wouldnt it be better to work out a seperate watermark or logo instead and use the chibi for like marketing or something??

idk i guess im just frustrated and annoyed. she doesnt want to cooperate with me and talk out what she really wants, yet she expects me to just go and pump out the drawing for her like. okay ig.

theres also like a whole confidence issue i have when it comes to my art, especially when shes the one whos going to be posting it but thats a whole other thing i dont want to get into. gah.

#alan yells #kms

[eirian]

well now im rly frustrated. i have this crisis like every week so its nothing new but im wondering what i want my art style to be again and why i want it to be that way. like ok for example

for a while my art style was very anime bc i found it appealing and fun! then my taste changed once i found some artists online and started to copy their styles. the same thing happened when i got into danny phantom; i saw the style and thought "oh man that looks appealing as hell" and i took it and ran and started to have fun with it. now im trying to move away from the danny phantom style and find my own style but im not sure what direction to go in?

like. i do enjoy the western toony styles a lot, especially early 2000s work! but i also really enjoy anime styles from around that time too. not only am i having trouble picking which direction to take my art between those two, but im also struggling with the idea that my art style very much affects my income :( like, job-wise and who feels inclined to commission me and such. anime has its own appeal and audience and so does the cartoony style. but i only have a real chance of getting a studio job if i draw in the toony style, at least in this country. but i dont want to only draw in that style Just bc thats gonna get me a job, yknow..? it feels bad and not genuine to me. at the same time, i dont know if id be completely happy switching to anime either b/c it feels like id be giving into its popularity subconsciously or something??? like only drawing in that style bc its what the majority wants if that makes sense

AGH frustrated noises

"do what makes you happy" is so hard actually b/c its not that simple and im angry

[mikiruma]

ok idk if anyone has any expertise on tablets but i need some help here because i got kind of an anomaly here. under the cut just for potential length/readability

for reference im using a huion kamvas pro 13 gt-133 (on the drivers page its kamvas pro 13(8192)) & the pen does not use a battery

the problem is that the pen started skipping around/lagging and not reading my inputs correctly.. last time i had this issue it was because the nib i was using was worn down, so naturally my first response was to change the nib. did nothing. i reset the tablet to its factory settings. nothing. i uninstalled and reinstalled the drivers, and even restarted the computer. still no effect. i unplugged the tablet all the way for two consecutive hours- hdmi, usb, the power adapter directly plugging into the tablet. when i plugged it back in it? still nothing.

the only progress i made was at one point i tried using the tablet without drivers (i had attempted this before on my siblings tablet, same model, but it just made the entire thing unusable that time.) miraculously i got it to work smoothly for 3 1/2 minutes before my inputs got ruined again. reinstalled drivers, again, 3 1/2 minutes of peace. uninstalled, same thing. that got tiring but i realized i could achieve the same result via simultaneously unplugging the usb and turning the tablet off, then plugging it in/turning it back on again. again for only a handful of minutes of smooth usage but its something. and yes, installing older versions of the drivers didn't work either. exact same problem.

the one thing i cant really place is how or why it started. i know its probably a problem with the software, as this only started happening a few hours ago with no immediately obvious cause. actually i guess the cause doesn't really matter, i just want to figure out how to fix this dang thing without mailing this off and not being able to draw for a month plus or spending $400 on a new one that will probably just have the same issue. i did buy this used but i bought it from a friend who had previously used it probably only 4-5 times at most, and not for very long each time, and i personally have been using it for maybe 6 months at most. (rough estimate- the most recent convo i can find with my friend about said tablet was from mid december 2021). and since i had a wacom before im no stranger to random unfixable issues suddenly sprouting up, but my tablets basically unusable & i have commissions i need to work on and idle hands i need to busy in clip studio or else my brain does. This

on the bright side, if this is anything like my technology luck then hopefully this goes away when i boot up my laptop again after work tomorrow, like most things that randomly decide to render themselves unusable for me when i need them. i'm sure i'm overreacting but in this moment i am very stressed out over many many many other things and this is the one thing ive deemed appropriate to get mad about in a public space so like. im going to feel real stupid when it does turn out to have the easiest fix in the world or if it "fixes itself" but as of right now this is the worst thing in the world bc i drew one thing today and was looking forward to drawing at least two or three things.

in short: im going to crawl in a cave until i quit having this specific brand of technology problem that can only be solved by shipping shit overseas or speaking to a Customer Service Representative or giving hundreds of dollars to people who make products that frustrate me

#talking #anyway this was a long post sorry my toddler's tantrum got in the way of my legitimate technology advice bait #but i am not as smart with computers as i think i am and i get frustrated when problems dont solve themselves in 10 mins or less #and the last resort options are scary to me so they seem more important to focus on than they are #anyway ill delete this when im feeling more rational i just need to leak my brain out a little here #im gonna clean up my twitter now though bc thats so much less filtered

[iraprince]

hello! do you have any advice for switching from traditional art to digital? (i recently ran out of supplies so im relegated to my computer lol) i hope youre having a good day!

i sure do!

first off i really recommend clip studio paint, but i also recommend u wait for it to go on sale. it goes 50% off a few times a year, so imo it’s worth waiting, but it also is usually on sale for only a few days so u have to stay on top of it. they usually announce on twitter etc. the tools don’t make the artist and obviously it doesn’t Really matter what program u end up settling on, i’ve just been really pleased with CSP and i wanted to recommend it

second: nothing that u can do with digital art programs/tools is cheating and it took me way too long to really internalize + understand that. copy-pasting stuff instead of redrawing it, using symmetry rulers, using transform/ctrl+T to stretch or squash slightly off anatomy instead of starting over -- when i was first getting into digital i A. didn’t know u could do this stuff and B. felt weirdly guilty doing it once i figured it out, as if i was a worse artist for using the tools that are literally built into the software or that it was lazy or dishonest to do so. that, it turns out, is bullshit. any drawing is just a constant series of decision-making and a lot of digital tools just help u make or retract or edit those decisions faster than traditional does. it’s not better or worse, it’s just different, and it’s worth ur time to figure out which of those differences are the most convenient and useful. this stuff exists for a reason! use it! save ur wrists and ur patience and ur time!

figure out file organization early, because it’s something u don’t have to deal with irt traditional art and so it probably won’t come naturally, but it also makes ur life harder to have a desktop swarming with wip files that are all titled “kjsrhrfgdhgj.psd” or whatever. some ppl sort into folders by date; for me it works better to sort by content (i.e. i have folders for tvrn stuff, patreon stuff, different fandoms, dnd/ttrpg stuff, “misc ocs” for characters i don’t draw much and “misc fandoms” for one-off fanart that doesn’t merit its own folder, etc etc; this is what makes it easiest for me to find stuff, but ur system might end up different.) i admittedly still name my files keysmashes if it’s personal stuff rather than work/commissions, but at least it’s all sorted into a category where i can quickly find it again anyway

also, u can hybridize traditional and digital! i frequently like my traditional pencil lines better than what i can do digitally, so i often scan them in, turn them into lineart, and color digitally (here’s a tutorial on how i prep that). but even if u don’t have a scanner, a carefully taken phone photo with high contrast can still be used the same way. i tend to lay my sketchbook flat on the floor in front of a window, squat down and hold my phone as level as i can while i’m taking the pic, and then i blast it in my phone’s built in gallery editor (highlights/shadows and contrast) before sending it to myself and doing the same thing w tone curve/levels in csp. it’s not perfect, but it’s presentable, and it can be a good way to ease urself in if ur feeling frustrated w the learning curve on digital draftsmanship.

oh, and this tip is really small but it’s ended up being rly helpful for me: resist the urge to zoom in way past 100% scale view just bc u can. if there are times where u absolutely need to, sure, whatever, but there’s no point in regularly tweaking tiny things pixel by pixel at 250% zoom bc nobody who looks at ur art is gonna see that and ur just bloating ur own time spent on things and creating unnecessary stress for urself!! if 100% zoom doesn’t give u the control u want, that may just mean u need to work larger to begin with.

set up a comfortable workspace with a Good chair. look up proper posture and try to stick to it. i know we’re all gay and it sucks to sit in a chair properly but otherwise ur gonna hurt urself. take even more frequent breaks than u do when drawing traditionally! screen bad!

also, if ur tablet has a way to calibrate pressure, try that out. a lot of them are set in a way where you have to press really hard to get full line width and over time it can really seriously strain ur wrist; u can’t manually set pressure in traditional tools (besides like. using softer lead i guess lmfao) but u can with tablet pens and u should try it, bc if u can use a lighter touch overall it really goes a long way towards preventing injury in the long term.

this is all the stuff that came to mind immediately; i’m sure there are tons of basics i haven’t covered, depending on how much of a transition this is for u, but there are a lot of tutorials out there written by ppl more patient and more educationally-oriented than myself so you’d be doing a better service to urself seeking those out than if i were to try to clumsily emulate them lol. good luck + have fun!

[sunsumu]

Can I request ushijima and tendou with an artist s/o? Like it’s a serious hobby for her just like their volleyball so they are known as the sporty and artistic couple? S/o has many canvases in her room and always carries a sketchbook. She can get really focused on her work and forget to sleep or something lol. Headcanons please! If you are ok with doing this, thank you!!

a/n: HI WE WROTE THIS A WHILE BUT WE FORGOT TO POST IT WE’RE REALLY SORRY ABOUT THAT!! tendou was written by admin lisa and ushijima was written by admin oli. hope you enjoy!!

ushijima x artist!y/n hcs

he totally gets how you feel about art, because to him it’s the same but with volleyball

he’s glad that you can understand him too!

this way there won’t be much hard feelings or miscommunication about not being able to spend much time together

you often go to his practices and games!

it’s a really good way to study anatomy

you draw him the most

there are at least 10 pages probably more filled with ushijima spiking, blocking, etc.

the rest of your sketchbook is filled with him just being ushijima ((:

if tendou sees your sketchbook he will tease you nonstop about it

“looks like toshi toshi really got himself a loving girlfriend hmm~”

ushijima blushes a little when he sees that your sketchbook was filled with him

is so happy you’re just looking at him and no one else ((:

first time he went to your house and saw your room he was like 00:

“y/n there’s there’s so many canvases..”

“yeah i know! i have some commissions to do so i bought some extra canvases”

“but y/n....where do you sleep?...”

“on a c a n v a s”

he picked up on you skipping meals and not sleeping real quick

one day you walked into class with dark circles around your eyes and looked more bony than usual

he is concerned. pls. EAT AND SLEEP.

makes sure that you don’t skip your meals and always. always. feeds you after school

if this was in his professional volleyball years, than he would make sure to leave you little notes around your shared apartment reminding you to eat and rest well

would also text you reminders as well

toshi toshi: y/n it’s about lunch time remember to eat well [sent 11:00 AM]

toshi toshi: remember to take breaks while you’re painting i love you ((: [sent 3:30 PM]

if that doesn’t make your heart go 📈📈📈 idky what will

for sleeping, if he thinks you’re overworking yourself he would just simply carry you and bring you to bed with him

“.....”

[carries you to bed]

“w-wait toshi i still have to finish this commission”

[already has you caged in his arms]

no ifs, ands, or buts

sleep now.

if you’re painting though, he makes sure you’re paints won’t smudge or dries up, or ruin your work

extra careful about that

he just wants you to sleep )):

tendou x artist!y/n hcs

you often attended his games with a sketchbook in hand

you loved drawing him in action, especially in his incredible blocks

“draw me like one of your french girls”

“tendou... shut up please”

he checks up on you a lot with random phone calls

and you always answer cause YOU NEVER SLEEP

“go to sleep y/n~”

“how about you?”

“im only awake for you”

tendou likes coming over and hopping around just complimenting your work

and he likes bragging about you to everyone

“MY girlfriend can draw SO WELL”

“tendou you’ve said this ten times today, we kno-“

“NO BUT SHE’S SO GOOD”

you have like fifteen studies on his hands

hand kink? good anatomy practice

you cannot match his red hair w your paints and youre always so frustrated about it

he likes looking through your sketches (with your permission of course)

after a good block he always looks at you

“HEY Y/N HOW WAS THAT? YOU GONNA DRAW IT?”

“tendou pls everyones looking-“

he probably has seven paintings of himself bc they were gifts from you.

they are ALL up on his walls.

tendou’s super supportive and he loves you

always encouraging

“ugh this sucks i hate it”

“ITS SO GOOD... LOOKLOOK LOOK HOW PRETTY YOU DRAW THAT”

you miss your meals a lot

so he comes over w snacks and food and just lays there admiring you and your work

he feeds you

“tendou im not hungry”

“you havent?? eaten the whole day?? its literally 2 pm rn...”

“and?”

“EAT.”

yeah in da end he loves u and your art <3

op if ur an artist... i love you <333

#haikyuu x reader #haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu #ushijima x y/n #ushijima imagine #wakatoshi ushijima #tendou x y/n #haikyuu tendou #tendou x reader #tendou satori #haikyuu headcanons #headcanons #haikyuu hcs #haikyuu ushijima #admin oli #admin lisa

[masatoswife]

1, 5, and 11 :3

part marked in blue discusses nsfw topics! sorry this is gonna be a long one hskfhdk

1) what’s a Hot Take you have about your f/o?

not sure if this is considered a hot take but i do think it’s unpopular... i believe masato to be a very dreamy person. he has a tendency to be naive about things like his job, his future, etc... he easily lets himself get swayed by his emotions, even when in the back of his head, he knows better. (i do think this allows him to keep a positive attitude most of the time though)

i feel like you can also tell by how much he believes in fate, and how he always refers to himself as a knight... it’s almost fairy-tale like ;u; he might hide a lot of his feelings in his chest, but when you look at his outlook on life in all its shapes and forms, he’s honestly the most romantic person i know...

5) what’s the dumbest thing you’ve heard about your f/o, either on the internet or irl? 

hooo you just opened a whole can of worms. i’ll take this as an opportunity to vent a bit kfshf

first of all it really bothers me when people try to reduce him to silly character tropes... i’ve seen him be called a tsundere and a yandere before and i just... *makes frustrated hand movements* i personally just don’t get it you know? masato gets shy when he’s asked about love or when people are being affectionate right in front of him, but like... lowkey who doesn’t kfhskf it’s not like he’s actively denying his feeling to haruka, he just doesn’t want to disturb her with them.

and the yandere thing... is honestly one of the wildest takes i’ve seen... sure he’s jealous and super protective but?? 😭 apparently you can’t feel jealous anymore without being a sick freak

the second thing i want to mention is the strange divide between people calling him a kinky closet pervert vs the purest angel in the world who never thinks about anything improper ever... when truly, he’s neither of these, and i really don’t understand why people like to turn everything into an extreme so bad.

masato is definitely not sex repulsed!! in the games he literally has an internal fight about getting horny kfhskdh if anything, he’s afraid of his sexual expression because he doesn’t want to be looked down upon. (that’s why i hate when people treat it so lightly. being given the pure stamp will make him feel like he has an image to live up to, but being called dirty will make him feel like it’s wrong and he needs to correct his behavior) he’s so insecure about it, especially after that one incident... he’s started to see himself as a monster when it comes to sexual stuff and he just doesn’t want to make any more mistakes and have anyone end up hurt like that time.

on the opposite end, i really cannot see masato as a kinky perverted guy. at all. i definitely think there’s a lot of passion hidden in his chest, but he’s... an adult man... hormones are going to kick in and he’ll want sex just as much as the other guys do, why is it ‘dirty,’ ‘perverted’ or ‘kinky’ when he does it? is it because he’s the calm guy? is it because of the incident where he completely lost sight of who he was? or because of the chain thing in cecil’s route, where he was literally possessed by satan who abused the boys’ biggest fears?

i really just want masato to feel safe about his sexual feelings which is why i’m personally very intolerant of nsfw comments aimed at him.

the last thing for this question is when people believe masato has deeper feelings for ren or vice versa. i’m very sorry to anyone who likes this ship kdhdkf feel free to scroll past bc im about to get salty about it

i feel like people often completely misunderstand the relationship they have... they just. don’t like each other. that’s it. sure, they care for each other, but it’s more of a basic human respect thing than an ‘i like you’ thing. when you think about it, they are forced into so many situations together, sometimes even life-threatening, so that have no choice but to show care for each other. and then that’s used against them to show that they’re just being uwu tsundere! like sorry but unhealthy much? i can’t imagine being forced into a friendship like that... and still, they actually don’t even consider each other friends!! they’re just colleagues who have a lot of jobs together.

and like, i understand their contrast can be really appealing for a duo, and i do genuinely believe they can even have some sweet interactions sometimes. but i hate when shining, staff members, interviewers etc etc continue to try and look past the work-perspective to find some juicy details or fanservice between them. i understand, it’s the idol world, so it’s kind of just whatever, but the fact that no fans acknowledge this just worries me. i honestly feel bad for the both of them...

11) do you think it’s better to have a copious amount of content for your f/o, even with the risk of finding a lot of ship art, or better to have a lot less?

this is an easy decision for me tbh kfhdjf i’d rather have a lot less... it’s kind of reality for me anyway. i have almost all masato artists blocked because they all obsessively draw for my notp, or their portrayal differs incredibly from mine... so i live mostly on commissions these days. the amount of anxiety i go through when i see something that makes me uncomfortable is definitely worth the sacrifice.

[cassyblue]

I’m just so tired of not having money and always being short for rent. I’ve had such a rough past week that I am behind even more on commissions (I’m so sorry) and I spent money I shouldn’t have on food. Good news, I’m going to the rent assistance place but bad news my meeting is on Thursday and rent is due Saturday. And they scolded me for not using the food bank which is frustrating because everyone is like go to the food bank if you need food!!! But I have food!!! I just don’t have energy to make food!!! Like for two weeks of January I ate raw ramen because I was too tired/depressed to cook. I got myself signed up for intake at a sliding scale therapy clinic today too. But i’m so exhausted. I’m trying to survive and its hard. I wouldn’t be in as bad of shape as I am if I hadn’t had to borrow money from my parents last month to pay rent. I started going back to dance because its good for my mental health but I can’t afford it. I’m taking some of my costumes on Wednesday to see if anyone would buy them because let’s be honest I’m not good enough to dance by myself in restaurants and some of these costumes haven’t been used for a year bc they’re not things you wear to class or to dance with a troupe.  

I have six days to prevent myself from getting dinged with rent late fees or being evicted and homeless. 

And I’m really tired that my parents keep calling my two part time jobs not real jobs because they aren’t full time. I fucking work hard. I fucking work until I physically and mentally fall apart. And yet I’m just so fucked because I hit a parked car in 2018 and couldn’t use my insurance because I was on my parent’s and they freaked out and wouldn’t let me file a claim because it might make their premium go up. So I literally have had a maxed out credit card for a year and half that I have been struggling to pay off and taken out student loans to pay rent. Live within my means they keep telling me but I have no means and sometimes I just fucking want something nice like a coffee. I sold half of my lolita stuff which I had bought when I had a full time job for the summer just so I could pay my bills. I would sell my camera but I would literally not be able to afford a new one for another five years if I did and it’s a tool. 

I might have to move back home with my parents sooner rather than later and I really don’t want to because my mother and I fight whenever I am home. Like our fighting has gotten to the point that my dad has threatened to disown me because I’m the agitator even though its shit that my mom did that I’m upset about. She can’t possibly ever be the bad guy because she was a victim of abuse in her mind. Even though she literally screamed and blamed my sister and I for issues in her marriage when we were in high school and said it would be our fault if she divorced our dad and then left and we didn’t know if she was going to come back and it was so traumatic that I still get upset about it. My parents had a lot of screaming fights when I grew up and stupid shit like slamming cabinet doors trigger me. Like I literally loose it because there’s no fucking way to rationally and calmly talk about shit that’s happened without her loosing it first and it’s not healthy for either of us. My mom’s been upset with me for years about just loosing it. I had a breakdown in undergrad and I don’t fucking remember it all because it was a blur but I basically told her she was a bad parent because of the way she held things over my head and shit’s been tense ever since. It’s not a good excuse for my behavior because yelling and screaming never solves anything. I have such a hard time not loosing it around them because they do things. Like the summer I lived at home before I moved away was hellish because I was so anxious all the time I was going to loose it again and I wasn’t out and I was terrified of what they’d do if they found out. And its frustrating because like she’ll be like oh ill talk to you about stuff and im not ignoring you and then we never do. And she doesn’t like it when I don’t want to talk about things or dont want to explain it. And I honestly can’t live at home because they don’t even fucking try with pronouns. Asked one fucking time and just didn’t try and I don’t correct them because it’ll just turn into another fucking fight. Like I literally do not say anything because I will loose it and get kicked out of the house. My dad was going to kick me out and drive me back to the airport the last time I was home but didn’t ultimately because it was Christmas Eve. Like I literally had my bags packed and ready to go. It all started because I said I was going to go spend the weekend with a friend (who for years my mom has accused me of treating better and loving more than her which is fucking ridiculous) and my mom got all upset and I was like why yes, I didn’t want to visit because this always happens and then it fucking spiraled into a fight. 

And I have been a mess since I found out that the man who scooped my research and fucking sexually harassed me won the most prestigious award at my undergrad university. Like I haven’t slept more than 4 hours for the past three days because I have been so upset and angry and mad. I never reported him because I was scared of loosing both my jobs since the big boss was the same for both even though they were in two different sections of the department. And I fucking should have even if it backfired on me and fucked me over for the rest of my academic career. I almost wrote a long letter to my adviser thanking her for being so good to me but I didn’t because I was too embarrassed because I dont really want her to know about things that happened in the past I can’t change. It was hard enough telling her I have depression. 

#true facts about erin

[bonelessice]

So. Some facts about my life as of right now and why i really insist on selling art to get out of this situation:

I am slapped around pretty regularly when things go wrong. Into stuff, in the face, only when i disagree, disappoint, or try to defend myself. this happens to me a lot during seizures to since i get upset and can move for a second trying to power through them.

When im not getting slapped im shoved against walls and yelled at, nose to nose and at risk of again getting hit. During these times its best i just stand down and let myself be forced to follow whatever orders im given even if its working a job unpaid that my mother doesn't feel like doing even though she signed up for it.

the rest is under the cut since this is getting long.

I have been threatened with extreme violence. A conversation that stands out is my mother, after i decided i would rather give her money than keep it for myself she told me "you say that one more time, I'm stopping the car and pulling you out by the hair and kicking your ass, stomping your face on the sidewalk." this was from me trying to be nice.

I am unable to spend time with a male friend without her seriously insinuating i should marry him (he's made it clear he likes me.) and even after having a big sobbing breakdown telling her how disgusting it feels as to be accused of doing indecent things like that bc of my genophobia and her threats to put me on birth control just for speaking to him she still wont stop.

Has openly admitted to hating my cat and abuses him by scare tactics of screaming, hitting him with fly swatters, and just being an asshole.

Knows all the symptoms of my depression/adhd/seizures and still treats me like shit when they manifest. since my seizures are nonepileptic theyre triggered mostly by stress. so i have a lot of those. 

Complains about how much of a burden i am to her, how much money is going in to trying to get me a job, taking care of me, ect. about how frustrating it is, knowing i cant do anything about it since. Surprise. I cant pay until i have the job. the thing is, its not like im not activly trying to get a job. I am. like she will literally complain about this on the way to the office for a job im 100% going to get if i can just get medical work done. so pretty much yelling at me for fucking nothing. Something that will be solved as soon as im working but she has to hurt me by making me feel useless.

Is VIOLENTLY lgbtphobic. Treats people and my bisexual cousin like shit because of it. I fear for my safety if i ever came out as anything but what she knows me to be, which is straight. this is not true.

Has abused her recent boyfriend, a 70+ year old man. Hit him in the face with a glass knowing he was weak from a recent injury. and has done plenty of other verbally and emotionally abuisive stuff to him. Has also joked about the previous animals she abused as if it wasnt entirely fucked up. for example she talked happily and fondly about the time she tied one of her old dogs to a tree in the middle of the woods in the country bc she didnt want him anymore and thought it was so funny. Just generally doesnt feel like a safe person to be around if they can see that as anything but fucked up.

And the list goes on but those are basics. I really am at my limit here and i want to make money to move to virginia to live with my father's side of the family and be free from this. My goal is enough money for me and my cousin whos also facing this abuse to be able to taxi to work for a bit until we start getting paychecks when my dad has no time to drive us when we move out. id also like to you know. start saving up for my own place so anything you give will help get us out of here.

now heres some art examples, my commission page:

i think its very cheap, people tell me that. also this is an old page and i plan on updating some of the art up here soon but this is a pretty accurate rep of my work i think. so if you want to be kind and pay more or something, i accept money thru cash app. if that doesnt work for you come talk to me, actually if you want anything come talk to me. im also thinking of making a kofi so i will keep yall posted.

#donations #abuse #abuse tw #help me #sell #art commisions #commision info #my art

[cryptidofthekeys]

All the writer asks!!!!!!

I’ve already answered the pen n paper one so I’ll leave that one out and answer the rest haha

ink: what do you do to “set the mood” when writing?

hmmm… well to usually set the mood would depend on the type of story I’m writing, if its horror/really angsty shit then I’m definitely going for dark themed music, if its something fluffy n cute- then im gonna go for some really happy upbeat music, so to set the mood- it’d usually depend on the genre

diary: how many pieces have you written that are just for you or will never see the light of day?

……Shhh… Let’s keep those my dirty little secret… (their not nsfw, thats not what I mean by that just to clarify)

journal: do you ever write just so you can enjoy something to read?

Hmm I guess I’ve done it once or twice before, but I dont do it too often-

novella: do you prefer to write short stories, one-shots, or entire novels?

I don’t think I’ve even came CLOSE to an entire novel but, I do a lot of short-stories and ESPECIALLY one-shots, im not very good at chapter based stories or anything

pulitzer: tell about/link a piece where you felt your writing was the best.

Ooooh fuck this is a tough one, Im too lazy to link it but- in my Yan!Henrik story there were some parts I ABSOLUTELY loved and felt were p damn good and in the werewolf story I wrote as well, some good parts in there too, but I definitely feel more fond over some of the scenes in the Yan!Hen story than any other one

genre: what genre do you prefer to write in?

Honestly, I’m pretty open to genres, like- fantasy, science-fiction, etc- the whole shabang- im not too picky bout any of them-

narrator: what pov do you like writing in best?

hmmm I guess like- wouldnt it technically be in third person with the way I write, for the reader its always You and or they, I always keep a story gender-neutral so that way all readers can be who they want to be in the stories, it can give them a better chance to imagine themselves in said position, now if i got a specific thing to do, male, female, non-binary, etc- then yeah I’d do that

backstory: how did you come to love writing?

That’s a- actually kinda simple tbh- its not an interesting story- At first I was actually unsure about it, but then- the more I wrote, the more I got super into it-  It was just… super fun to me after I did it for awhile

time-lapse: how long have you been writing (as a hobby or for work)?

It’s a hobby for now, but I do wish I could open commissions- but hmm its been like, maybe 5-6 years by now, maybe even a bit longer

characterization: describe your favorite character(s) you’ve written.

You should know this for sure haha, my favorite characters to write with tho- I’ll just say who they are, all the septic egos p much except… im still not too confident with writing Angus yet, some of the Iplier egos, like the Jims, Harold, and Eric, and I’m trying to branch out to other fandoms, I like writing with David n Daniel, from the cc fandom, and I’m trying to work on Dream Daddy characters too, Joseph, Robert, Mary, etc- and then my own characters too- I dont write wiht them often but I try

carnegie: what authors and/or books/stories have inspired you to write or influenced your work?

hmmm… I get inspired fairly easily so it’d be hard for me to name anything like that off the top of my head tbh

faulkner: what tropes do you LOVE writing? which ones are your guilty pleasure?

…. Why not ALL the tropes? …okay maybe not ALL of them

o’connor: what tropes/genres do you dislike writing?

Eh, im a p open person to tropes/genres- I mean unless like a trope could count as in, like- “it was all a dream” or “you were the killer all along” or some shit like that, then that type of shit isnt REALLY my cup of tea

dickinson: what insecurities do you have about your own writing? what do you think you should improve on?

There’s a lotta things I think I could improve on, honestly… I think, its not a matter of insecurity really, more so like- no matter who you are, there’s always room for improvements, I think we all improve on things every day, writing, drawing, roleplaying, even simple things- after all, there’s nowhere to really go except forward in life, so I just tend to go with my own flow, and if I improve than I’m happy with that, if I dont? Welp, that just means I still have a bit to go-

playlist: what kind of music/songs help you write? do you have a writing playlist?

oh god I w i s h I was organized enough to fucking- have a writing playlist ashdjshfdsj, it just depends on my mood- sometimes I get distracted by songs tho-

record: have you written things based off of songs? do you like to?

…I wrote one, its a really old one and im not too proud of it, but, people like it apparently so I keep it up since it seems to make em happy and thats what matters in that regard, but nah im not BIG on writing things based off songs

nobel: have you published anything you’ve written? online or irl?

Hmmm not yet, I don’t think I’m ready to physically publish my stories or anything, although my dad does encourage it, he tells me I should find a publisher or whatever and publish some stories (it wouldnt be ones with like- characters from things like camp camp, dream daddy, etc of course- it’d be ones with my own characters)

notepad: can you write anywhere or do you have to be in a specific place and mood to write?

D e f i n i t e l y a specific place and mood, my mood’s totally off and wrong right now and its frustrating bc im trying to write but the body and brain is like no motherfucker, be in pain and hate me more than you already do

parchment: how often do you or your personal life influence your writing?

I dont… know if ANY of my personal life has… influenced my writing? not that I know of anyways

dedication: if you were to publish a book or multiple, who would you dedicate the book(s) to?

I think… I dont know who I’d dedicate the books too or anything-

trope: what’s a pet peeve you have about writing?

…honestly? The one pet peeve I, myself, have with writing is the I/Me POV- now of course its fine if others use it, it could be easier to them, or they simply like it a lot, but I myself, just- cant fucking s t a n d that type of pov

input: what’s something you hate that people say to you about writing/your writing?

Okay- I need to be honest here, bc I get a lot of them, when I constantly state that I only do one shots and not chapter stories but the whole “pls continue” “another part to this please” “Do more of this” that doesnt really make me wanna do more, it makes me wanna move on actually from any of that, like im not about that plz continue, do more!!! type of comments

critic: what’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received about writing?

Oh god I’ve received TONS of good advice from people, especially when it comes to some of the German I use for Henrik, I will admit… I’ve been severely slacking with learning my German, and I…. I deeply regret it tbh, but- I never mind and am actually grateful when someone corrects me when using a word incorrectly in a sentence or whatever

mifflin: what do you feel is your strong suit in writing?

A n g s t

houghton: what’s something you love that people compliment your pieces on?

I love all compliments tbh, I especially love comments on my angst like NO HOW DARE YOU OP, or OP wha t the f uck- my  he a r t, or anything like that- …im a sadistic lil gremlin arent I? I love breakin hearts with angst, but like any compliments I receive on my stories are all greatly appreciated, I just most of the time I dont have the time to respond to them, BUT- I do read em, every last one of em-

#evantrash #writer asks

[astranauticus]

Goddammit @onceuponanaromantic

On today’s edition of ‘Blue and Syl’s disaster AUs’, 

｡+ﾟ.。+ NORMAL CHILDHOOD TUA ｡+ﾟ.。+

General info

They all go to the same high school 

No-siblings AU except Ben and Klaus are still brothers bc I’m not splitting up my boys

Disaster ensues

Also warning I have no idea how American schools work and I go to a girls’ school and it kinda shows

Luther

School jock and you know it

probably into like. football or some shit. like the american one where body slamming is involved

Girls think he’s hot but god does he not know how to talk to girls

May or may not be dating Allison. nobody knows

Is secretly really into astronomy but shhhhh can’t have anyone thinking he’s *gasp*, a nerd

Allison

A queen

Idk how the whole popularity thing they always do in American TV works but you get the idea. She’s popular.

Probably doesn’t have as much control over her rumours so it’s more like. sometimes she suggests to teachers that they give her an extension on assignments and stuff and it works like, 70% of the time. she just assumes she’s really lucky

Sometimes she does the same thing to students when she gets frustrated enough

Darling of the theatre club

Perpetually jealous of Klaus’ makeup

Five

Insanely smart

In the science club and judges everyone

‘im judging you but not saying anything but the look on my face says you’re Wrong'

Simply doesn’t understand that other people aren’t as smart as he is like ‘why are all of you so stupid’ no you’re just too smart it’s just you Five 

Aro ace and responds to every romantic dramaTM ever with *aggressive eyerolling*

Breaks like 12 rules every day but never gets caught

It’s hard to get caught by teachers for anything when you can just teleport away from the teacher

The kind of kid who’d skip those god awful assembly talks by sitting in a toilet for an hour but instead he just teleports to the school roof and reads

Probably would pull off my personal ‘fuck the system’ dream of like.. escaping being caught for something by a teacher by running out of the school gates before the teacher could get at him

Ben

Klaus’ brother 

Ace

Parent hc: he and Klaus were adopted by Hazel and Agnes (because this is a fix-it AU and the commission doesn’t exist)

Mostly because you’d need parents with their level of bullshit tolerance to deal with both a. child who sees people who aren’t there b. child with eldritch tentacles coming out of his stomach

It’s okay he only uses the bentacles to like. grab stuff off high shelves

Quiet book kid

Diego’s closet key

Diego

Disaster bi

‘I don’t think that’s how physics works’ levels of good at sports

that’s actually not how physics works but shhhh

Insane baseball pitcher probably

Doesn’t get as many girls as Luther but he’s okay with it

He’s just trying to impress one specific girl

Yeah it’s Eudora

Had a brief crush on Ben and was literally too awkward to say anything so he just sort of sat around suffering for like a year (Ben never notices)

“Oh god he’s cute well guess I’ll die”

Klaus

He’s here and he’s queer

In some musical elective with Vanya

He plays piano

So for performances the boys were supposed to get suits and the girls get gowns but Klaus and Vanya took one look at their outfits, said ‘ew’ and decided to switch

Klaus redesigns the gown with like, 300% more glitter

Biggass crush on Dave, a senior 

Big history nerd but partly because he can use his powers to cheat on history exams

I feel like. Hazel and Agnes would actually figure out that he can actually see dead people cuz ‘hell, our other son can summon lovecraft horrors from another dimension, it’s safe to assume we can just take this stuff at face value at this point’

Figured out Diego’s crush on Ben because at some point he mentioned offhand ‘oh did you know crushes last 11 months on average’ and Diego blurts out ‘thANK GOD’

Vanya

Raised by single mom Grace bc hell yeah Grace

Ben and Klaus’ neighbour which is why they’re really close

G a y

Bonds with Five because ~physics nerds~

It helps that she can use her powers to like.. float to Five’s new hiding spots. Eventually he stops changing them because Vanya always finds him anyway so what’s the point

Violin legend

After she exchanged outfits with Klaus like her Suit Look became an instant hit

Eudora’s closet key

Other stuff

Five Vanya and Ben have this special Spot on the second floor of this old lecture hall in their school where they can sit around and read and talk about ‘nerd’ stuff without being disturbed

(based off personal experience cuz there’s this like lecture hall-ish room in our school with a second floor that nobody uses ever and the door is in this super ominous looking corner behind the library so no student in their right minds would go inside and explore out of curiosity or whatever. its great.)

Klaus would tag along because come on he’s always going where Ben’s going 

After he finds out about Diego’s crush he’d drag Diego along too partly just to watch him Suffer

From then on that place became the Disaster Queers club

Also yes Eudora and Dave’s in this AU

Bi Eudora who used to have a squish on Vanya bc come on her in a suit. badass.

Dave’s a senior who was very much het lagged until he saw Klaus performing and, well, the rest is history

Still very much in the closet afterwards (hc that his family isn’t... vv accepting) until Klaus introduced him to the rest of the Disaster Queers club like ‘cmon we’re all gay here’

Out of all the disasters, Dave was the only one with the guts to confess

He bought this bigass bouquet of flowers and gave them to Klaus after a recital to ask him out

Klaus’ response was to immediately burst into tears

Ben, freaking out: what did you do????!

Dave, confused: ask him out???

#tua #the umbrella academy #umbrella academy #luther hargreeves #allison hargreeves #diego hargreeves #klaus hargreeves #ben hargree #number five #vanya hargreeves #dave katz #eudora patch #well technically it would be ben and klaus rofa in this au but anyway #diego's crush on ben is almost entirely based off my crush on my classmate last year #so really me writing diego in this au is just me shaming my past self #five in this au is like... a combination of three of my science club seniors #an insanely smart one + an intensely judgmental one + an immensely dead insde one #the 'klaus cheats on history exams' idea is based off this convo i had with syl last year about like #students summoning the ghosts of dictators to ask them questions about their history notes #i think bc i was complaining about not knowing whether it was called the october or november revolution? #and syl suggesting just /asking stalin/

[tipsyexplorer]

2.18.21

maybe it’s time to get back on here

to just post long form free flow thoughts. 

you think you were over something, maybe have forgiven someone about it but then you read the post again and a flood of memories just come back. like exactly how you feel and you don’t feel okay. you’re hurt by what you read bc you know what’s how they still feel about you. that’s how they still see you. 

it stinks not to get recognized by all the work that you have done for them. for that one particular person and how much you have sacrificed for them. how you’re scared to really show them who you are or share things with them. just like little comments really doesn’t want me to help them or like makes me more willing to share things with them. and idk it just hurt. i just feel so hurt right now.

why is my first comment or train of thought to just end it. it’ll be so much easier, my ife would be better. I dont rely on anyone right now anyway, I don’t go to them for support I have friends to do that with so really why am i keepingthem around. bc i feel bad that they dont have anything? i htink that’s why....and like i already feel like i do so much that i just can’t also do the emotional part of it all. it just all feels so overwhelming like why do i need to provide for the financial and the emotional part now and like okay you were depressed but you didnt get any help and then your response is you dont have money 

well you apparenlty have burger money. and like delivery money. but you cant find a sliding scale therapy like. idk just shifted priorities and you just think a magic gadget or whatever new thing would fix it or whateber. i havent seen you take one picture with your camera that you got or the other one that you got like it doesnt make you better i can probably make better things take better phtos with a polaroid you just got to go and do it and not just blame you dont have the best material. like its just so...sad to me like thats just what you resort to. and maybe i can be more supportive but at the same time i just feel so supportive already like how is this even possible to be like this. 

and i guess i know that about myself like i think i’m over something but then i read it all over again and it hurts i think it hurts bc its not true. its not true and like i guess i personally know its not true but he just sees me being online as like...self obsessed. do you see how little i take selfies now how little i take pictures of food and how little i am on social media how little i post or do things that i like. liek it has drastically changed. 

and now im tearing up bc of material things?? like this isnt me but i guess its more tearing up that it doesnt seem like he really thinks about me or tries to do things. he says he wants to go on trips he wants to do things oay then plan them??? and its always you dont have money thats like the literal excuse okay then plan things that dont cost money??? i always have said that but tthen you get overwhelemd and then get sad we dont do anything like bro im so tired of planning things im tired of planing on what to cook what to do like its just so annoying land its so frustrating bc i dont speak up

i get it i should speak up and say somethig if its really bothering me and its not fair to them taht they dont know but also how can they not know??? like i’m just so confused. idk if they even know how much money they technically owe me not even counting the portion where you didnt pay but also just the portion where you agreed to pay and didnt like. ugh 

i dont understand. i can be so great and i am so great. i am so great and giving and creative. i am not shy and want to share things with people i want to be able to not be scared to say something and to speak up on stuff. but it just feels like walking on egg shells and not know what to do. maybe its my period and maybe i’m emotional right now. 

i just gotta focus on myself. keep doing things for myself nad grow. i dont want to be stuck like this i dont want to be bogged down. i want to be able to just do as much of something that i like and thats just so hard. i

why am i so concnered with your jealosy and your sadness it like really effects me. i mean we have been stuck together inside for so long and i am tired of it too. but i need to save money bc the cost of living has gone up and i have less pay. and i realy should price my things up and like have commissions on the side. i know i should do this i know i can do this. i just...

maybe this is where i should post what i want from a partner. i want someone who doesnt make me feel bad. doesnt make me feel about wanting things about really getting into something and like really enjoy something soeone who sees all of the work that i put into something. it almost feels like i should have failed or something but like if you knew me you would know how much work i really put into something like it shoudl be obvious but it always just seems to be written off 

i want someone who i can depend on and that also means financially i want osmeone who has a plan who has a plan and an idea and drive i want someone who is working on themselves and who sees that they might not be there but can be there. i want someone who is confidnet i want someone who is confidentn in thsemvels and will take care of things. i want someone who will split the respnosibilities evenly with me to make things porportionally fair . 

i want someone who i am comfortable with someone who i am comfortable around someone who will try to udnerstand me someone who isnt so quick to judge isnt so quick to be defensive i’m just trying to dot he best someone who isnt so down on thesmevles and if they are in a rut then they realize that and they do something about it. like you cant expect change by doing the same thing like thats just not smart 

i want smeoen to match my ambission and to match my drive it can be about whatever it is but like ... do something. i want someone who is more established in their field in something i want them to be able to say they set their mind to something and make it happen. and maybe i’m just clinging on so long bc i do feel sorry i feel so bad i know the situation and it will be so messy and for some reason right now its just eaier to just not do antyhing

i hear what i am saying too like doing the same things to expect something differnt is also dum and i fall under there too like its so clear to see a pattern and yet i just dont have the brave face to do something about it and that slike hat i’m preaching right like this is something i really should get into 

jealousy just doesnt really sit right with me. it just never did . it makes it seem so petty and so bad like that is something i do not look forward to. i want someone who is kind and compassionate i want someone who has good reationships with anyone . like ifamily friends anyone. like i seem to always choose people who dont have a strong cirlce or support group so then i just attract that energy or something and idk i wouldnt say i have a lot of close friends but i know they are solid and good and can go to them for help i mean yea. 

and maybe that someone is out there for me maybe that someone is here right now but at this state ithat oeron isnt it i mean this is crayz im tawhing my hands type right now iand they at go so fast its so mezmerizing to see it tpe but then when i look at them too long then i am lik oh wah idk how to type anymore LOL anywa that person is there for me i just tgot to find them. i got to find that either eslwhere or wit th person i have right now. 

[amourete-blog1]

(( and THIS is the log i actually fell asleep during. sorry tae. it seems like it ends abruptly and that’s bc the last message is one i actually sent when i woke up the next day and it was ungodly early in tae’s time zone. this happened during feli’s visit w clams.

tagging: @brackishbarracuda @vvicissitudo @9hosis and i should be tagging the rest of the muses here but, all the muns have been tagged at least, so let’s leave it there for simplicity’s sake?

this log goes over pretty much everything that happened so here’s an advance warning for: amputation, serious violence, child harm.

begin log:

Last Friday at 8:26 PM

amourete I know your AI or whatever robot bullshit is on right now, I don't know if you'll ever get this, but just... Come home soon. Please. I don't know why you left and I trust you to make decisions like that for yourself, but Clams is here and ready to fight for you and your home and I'm here with him, everyone's worried. I hope you're safe. I hope you're well. I love you. Yesterday at 4:35 AM

brackishbarracuda felide ?

amourete Oh my god it's you You're safe??

brackishbarracuda yeah im im safe im ha i was gonna say im alright but thats but no im okay im safe

amourete Okay. That's a start, isn't it? We can build on that.

brackishbarracuda fuck fel i didnt mean for any a this

amourete Did you think I assumed you did?

brackishbarracuda im ready for the worst from literally everybody right now especially from you

amourete You're not a weapon, Meenah. You're not borne of mindless violence and you don't break everything you touch. You're an angel, with all their destructive power when you choose, but there is still a choice involved. You know your anger. You know the blood you carry. You know what you can do because you've seen it a thousand times. I knew you wouldn't have done this without a *very* good reason. I just don't know what it is. I want to hear it from you.

brackishbarracuda aya was burnt my youngest the one with the fever

amourete Burnt?

brackishbarracuda im saury words are really fucky right now i got a message that said ayad been burnt after id left her with cho

brackishbarracuda she was screaming when i got there i ?? panicked is the only fucking word for it

amourete Do you remember what happened?

brackishbarracuda there was a knife and i fought sal and cho was holdin her she was already blistering i she was so loud fel i lunged and i took chos arm and if were done isle understand

amourete We're not done. Don't give up on me. Please. That's the last thing I want.

amourete Where is Aya? How bad are her burns? Was it fire, a stove?

brackishbarracuda give up on you felide i maimed your club im shes where i am shes bein taken care of theyre psi burns

amourete I know what you did but god damnit I've dated *both* of you for the same amount of time and I'm not leaving you to fucking burn if there's *something* we can salvage from this. I love you. I love them. This is only a point of no return if we make it so and I REFUSE to make it so.

brackishbarracuda felide i need a minute

amourete Take every minute you need. I'll be here. I always will be.

brackishbarracuda im here do you have uh questions

amourete A lot. Do you know what's going on here at home?

brackishbarracuda isle do the best i can youre with clams hes armored up

brackishbarracuda there will be no world in which i can thank you enough for lookin out for him

amourete And Cho and Sal? Vis? What do you know about them right now?

brackishbarracuda nothing

amourete Oh, good. I had been afraid someone angrier than me had gotten to you first.

amourete Cho is with Nicco. Lucy says he's a skilled medic - I believe her. They're alive, but injured. I don't think I need to tell you that. Lucy said Cho is asleep. Clams says they're compatose. I don't know which is true, I haven't had the time to find out. Either way, they're unavailable.

brackishbarracuda im buyin them a new one if theyll let me it aint gonna make anything right but i dont know what else to do

amourete Clams said something about Sal malfunctioning? I... don't know what's going on. I don't know where he is. I'm scared to find out. I can't stand talking to the fucking AIs for too long because it freaks me out not talking to them, but seeing their names. I'll... deal But not now. Vis is with Vici. He's scared out of his mind. Vici says he's been trying to distract Vis from thinking about what happened because every time he does, it's... bad. But he's physically safe, physically unharmed. Because of all these things, you are the first and currently the *only* one who was there, bore witness and knows what happened. Whatever you know, write it down. Tell me, tell Clams, I don't care, *write it down.* As honestly as you can.

brackishbarracuda im telling everybody you clams tuna arlequin kan my kid was hurt and i fucked up

amourete I know. I know you want to make it right - we're going to work on that, but with Cho out of commission right now, we can't. You need a record you can come back to, something reliable to remind you of what you saw and heard and did.

amourete You know right now, but my worry is that it will be less fresh in your mind as time goes on... You were afraid. You panicked. Those memories don't last long.

amourete Hey, baby?

brackishbarracuda y yeah yes

amourete Thank you for not running from this. Thank you for facing it. I know it took time. I'm glad you did it.

brackishbarracuda where did you come from i mean not that fuck

amourete Try again. :PP

brackishbarracuda i feel more selfish than i have in a long time telling you this like i have any right to it but i love you

amourete I love you too. That's why I'm here. I'm not giving up on you, so don't give up on me. We're going to make it through this. We'll find a way. I don't know what the future holds, but we're going to face it and come out okay on the other side. All of us.

amourete I'm upset that this happened. I'm worried. Cho is hurt, and I love them. I've been angry and frustrated, but those aren't directed at you: right now what I feel most of all is concern, for everyone.

brackishbarracuda howd a troll with a heart that big get hatched

amourete With a tail, apparently. :PP

brackishbarracuda so thats where all the extra patience wnt

brackishbarracuda went fuck

amourete :** I know you didn't mean to do this. I know you better than that. Yes, though, it still hurt... And I'm not one of the ones most hurt either. You know this. I know you do. You already know the weight of this, I don't need to tell you. I want to support you doing what you can to try to make this right. Right now, I'm just glad you're okay. When Cho is here, we can figure out everything else.

brackishbarracuda how many times am i gonna cry tonight fuck

amourete Too many.

brackishbarracuda naut enough

amourete When are you coming home?

brackishbarracuda not yet i dont know not for a few days at least the last thing i want is targets on yalls back for this im uh im at dirks btw

amourete I've lived hundreds of sweeps with a target on my back. No troll alive could kill me in my first life, and no one will in this life either.

amourete Stay there as long as you need. I just wanted to know - I won't tell anyone but your partners, should they ask. And Mituna. For anyone else, they'll have to ask you.

brackishbarracuda thank you i have done nothin in my life to deserve you

amourete You can keep telling yourself that, or you can do something about it. Now you're coming up to a chance to do just that. Make me proud. I love you. I want you to know that. I love you so much.

brackishbarracuda fuck fel

brackishbarracuda its its down

amourete It's down?

brackishbarracuda what happened

brackishbarracuda all that i can remember

amourete You actually did it. Fuck. I didn't think you would. :'33

brackishbarracuda you asked me to what else was i gonna do

amourete Anything else? I'm still just so... Out of it. God.

brackishbarracuda if you if you wake up tomorrow and realize im unforgiveable isle understand

amourete Baby, no...

amourete Listen. I'm not the one to make that decision. You never struck me. Seek forgiveness from them first, when you can.

brackishbarracuda why arent you pissed at me

amourete Because being angry at you would do nothing but drive a wedge between us.

#ooc post #/ #// #/// #//// #log archives #plot: justified #child harm ment / #amputation ment /

[hazeldough]

part 2 bc im feeling anxious and it’ll only get worse if i bottle this shit up

maybe it’s also because most of my life, ive always gone to the schools my sisters went to. hell, for the first two years of high school, i thought i was going to the same college as they did. not bc they went there, but when i went with them for their orientation/graduation, i really liked the place and campus life seemed fun.

problem is, the school felt too general and their college of art wasnt as specialized as i wouldve wanted it to be? like instead of having majors for a specific thing, it was just straight up fine art or smthn

it’s also because my other friends got into really good schools. and im proud of them!!!! but im so used to comparing myself to others that it makes me think that i did something wrong or im not good enough.

watching shows that featured a confident protagonist passed on some of that confidence over to me, like i feel good about the stuff i make. but whenever i look back and think about how i havent gained some sort of following and how ive barely gotten any commission work makes me think that im not great as i thought i am

and it’s frustrating!!! whenever i see a comic that says that you shouldnt have to compare yourself to others to feel validated because people will still see good work and that you should be making stuff for yourself

like its good advice but hey!!! what the fuck!!! if two chefs make stuff and theyre equally great but in different ways but one of them gets no exposure, sure theyre cooking for themselves but how long is it until theyre gonna hit poverty because no one is supporting them???

sure their friends and families will be there, but will they actually pay them for their services? if they do, is it going to be enough for that chef to keep themselves alive? fucking no.

and with the amount of disrespect artists get already with unsourced work, art theft, and people telling us we’ll never get a good job is already making the path to the field intimidating enough as it is

sometimes i regret not focusing more on my art and having to feel pressured to be good in academics. portfolios are what matter to people, but academics are where the scholarship money pop in.

and then i blame myself for not being diligent enough in personal projects because i have to focus on school. or i lose interest in a project. or i get discouraged because i dont get any feedback anyway.

i get told that it’ll just be my first year, that stuff like getting a job is something i shouldnt even being thinking about. but listen.

if prepping myself to schools was a four year experience, im pretty sure its the same thing for jobs.

if i would want to get anywhere in my field, i would have to start looking for internships that fall under that.

but if i do that, im going to lose time that i could be using for myself or for my academics.

i know i shouldnt worry about it but getting a good job in my field is already so fucking difficult. i feel like a fucking mess