#chuck doesn’t understand the difference between love and worship

[hydesjackiespuddinpop]

i know kelso treated jackie shitty (damn i can't control the weather/cheating with laurie and most likely others no confirmation for sure for the others) but hyde would say mean things to jackie or invalidate their relationship or whatever. that was his schtick, hyde had 'issues' everyone in the show did but i think hyde had it rough at home, maybeits part of the reason he and jackie jived well because they both had issues with their parents/home lives. hydes were so bad that the formans took him in and arguably jackie too at one time before they were caught together. however the difference between kelso and hyde is hyde did love jackie but he would SHOW IT in his actions and less in his words. it was rare to see a sensitive side but when he showed it was lovely. he was more of a sarcastic type or dead pan, where kelso didn't give a shit, or played ignorant until it mattered 11th hour salvage and it was just complicated and jackie was pretty much done. neither was perfect. i really do not like that in that 90's show she's like with kelso (better than being with fez but irl mila and kutcher are together) but i don't think jackie was happy with either. kelso was a horrible bf! he had moments but he was horrible to her. she seemed unhappy with kelso from the glimpse we saw while married (their son is literally kelso too, yikes and jackie abandoning fez to run off with kelso storyline doesn't seem jackie at all!) obviously, we couldn't have 90's puddin'pops hydejackie in any capacity (is he canon like jail?) or not around for some other reason/relocated/off the grid (irl it was the allegations/case around masterson) but in the show maybe it was jail bc he always would joke about it/family in jail/being generally criminal/popped for weed who knows since 1979-1980 when t70's ended and 90s when t90's show started/was going on in like the mid-90's. also there were the 1980's drug scene/war on drugs times perhaps he got into harder drugs and then jail and stuff bc laws and he was anti pretty much establishment or heavily implied to be so yeah. jackie was obviously not a criminal so ...

am i making sense? i hope so. so there you have it. that's how i see it in terms of jackie's relationships on that 70's show/present. i'd love to hear what you think? (there are things i missed, unfortunately. idk where i left off but i do know about the endgame things. i do know that the last season sucked! that so many things were off probably contributed to its ending/rushed/unsatisfying endings for beloved characters and stuff with few exceptions.) let me know what you think?

I understand what you’re saying dw!

One of thing I love so much about J/H is that they’re an ‘actions speak louder than words’ kind of ship. It’s wasn’t about status or good looks *cough j*lso*

Hyde treats Jackie with respect and loves her for who she is while also calling her out on her bs (Fez and Kelso worship the ground she walks on and Kelso seems too scared to call her out.) They don’t need any of that shiny stuff or status to show how real they are (which is why I lol at anyone comparing them to chuck/blair. They’re clearly dan/blair.).

Jackie inspires Hyde to be more in touch with his emotions and his softer side. He smiles more with her, he seems lighter around her. He can let his walls down with her. One of the only complaints I have about them is that sometimes I feel like Hyde doesn’t really trust Jackie. Like instead of confronting Jackie on whether she was cheating in s5, he ends up cheating. And in s7, when he saw the towel thing, he just left and fucked a stripper in Las Vegas. Not to mention that he STILL kept bringing up the “get off my boyfriend” incident TWO MONTHS after it happened. But for the most part, they’re a great couple.

J/K is self explanatory. Their foundation is bonding over their good looks and what not. There’s nothing substantial about their relationship. All they do is bitch at each other more than half of the time. Not to mention, Kelso kept cheating on her with no guilt. (He only felt sorry that he found out) Also I will never get over Kelso putting the blame on Jackie for his cheating. Like sir, there’s a such thing as having a conversation. Even yelling would be more mature than this or BREAK UP WITH HER.

#answered #brimi 💎 #my meta #jh meta #jk meta #otp: anything for you doll #zenmasters #anti jelso

[sidecarghost]

15x18+ Spn Coda Happy Destiel Ending Fic

Dean was in a hospital bed. His eyes stared blankly at the ceiling. There were no doctors, but Sam brought him here to take advantage of the medical equipment. He found his brother like a corpse with his eyes open sitting with his back against the wall of the bunker’s dungeon.

Chuck stopped by now and then to make sure Sam and Jack still looked miserable. They had not disappointed Chuck yet.

Jack could visit Dean’s dreams, and he brought Sam too in an attempt to awaken Dean. But Dean was blind to their presence. No matter how loud they screamed, Dean couldn’t hear them. And Dean couldn’t feel them, no matter how violently they hit him.

From what Sam could tell Dean was dreaming they were working with Michael to take Chuck down. And that Jack had some kind of power vacuum ability. Michael and Lucifer were throwing fireballs at eachother like a couple kids having a snowball fight. Lucifer somehow snapped Death out of existence, and now they had a pet dog running around the Bunker.

“It’s not supernatural, Sam,” Jack said. “I can’t fix him.”

“I know,” Sam held his brother’s hand and watched the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest. “That Heaven he is stuck in is so depressing though Jack. Jeez I can’t believe our dad is there with him. John definitely didn’t deserve to go to Heaven after the shit he pulled. Then Dean was talking like he was an actor from the AU where our lives were a tv show on that bridge. It’s just so bizarre I wish we could ease his mind.”

“Me too, but what can we do?” Jack asks.

“Something must have happened to Cas,” Sam says, “Dean keeps starting the same dream over and over telling the dream us that Cas saved him. By summoning the Empty somehow.”

“Cas had made a deal with the Empty. Maybe that let him summon the Empty here,” Jack said. Sam raised an eyebrow in question, so Jack explained the terms of the deal to Sam. The deal was a contract to save Jack’s soul, and the Empty would wait until Cas was happy and then strike him down and drag him away.

“So maybe the Empty has something to do with Dean going catatonic,” Sam says.

Sam and Jack watch the still body of Dean in the hospital bed.

They were the last three souls on an empty planet.

~~

Jack started performing the ritual he had seen Nick do to summon Lucifer from the Empty.

As the spell finished, Cas and Billie, emerged through a portal from the Empty.

Sam was surprised to see Billie and after glancing towards Jack it looked like he was too.

“Jack!” Cas hugged Jack and then Sam. “Hello Sam, where’s Dean?”

“He’s gone into a coma Cas,” Sam tells Cas. “We found him sitting against the bunker’s dungeon wall, and he hasn’t been responsive since then.”

“We have business Castiel,” Billie tells the angel.

“Billie, the CE, and I have decided Chuck needs to be stopped, and we have put aside our differences for the time being,” Cas says. “Jack can you help Billie with whatever she needs. Sam, show me where Dean is.”

Jack and Billie find Chuck and use a powerful spell that Billie learned from the CE to free Amara so she becomes the dominant form and Chuck is left trapped inside her mind for safe keeping. Amara snaps her fingers and the Rapture is undone. The world is full of noise once more as people and animals once again appear as though they had never left.

Amara tells Billie and Jack that she needs to leave and work to get Heaven fixed. Now that she understands light and darkness she is confident she can restore what her brother left broken. And she has ideas that may help the CE in the Empty too.

Billie thanks Jack for his help and leaves to restore order to her library and her reapers.

~~

Meanwhile, Sam took Cas to the hospital room. Dean was still staring at the ceiling. Cas walked up and cupped Dean’s face in his hand.

“Hello Dean,” Cas says softly staring down into the blank eyes of the man he loves.

Dean remained motionless. And a moment later Cas appeared in Dean’s dream.

Cas looked around and saw he was at a gas station. Dean was carrying a dog towards the Impala.

“Who would think finding a dog would be a miracle?” Cas overhears Dean tell the canine.

“Dean!” Cas yells.

Dean looks up, but he doesn’t see Cas. He looks right through Cas to something across the street. Cas turns and sees Chuck standing there laughing like a lunatic. The dog disappears in a puff of smoke.

Cas can’t get Dean’s attention. He runs up to Dean, but Dean can’t see him. He yells at Dean, but Dean can’t hear him. He punches Dean, but Dean can’t feel him.

Cas attempts to burn down the church where Michael is hiding but no one reacts to the raging inferno. They keep talking about some plan to defeat Chuck.

“Stop Dean!” Cas yells “Its not Chuck. Michael would be dead Chuck isn’t going to be fooled by some human house of worship.”

Dean is in the bunker, and Cas follows him through his dream never leaving his side. Dean hears the phone ring and answers “Cas!”

Cas wonders if he’s about to meet his dream self. He wonders if dream Cas is going to be taller. Cas watched Dean sprint up the stairs to meet him at the bunker door. And he sees Lucifer?

Well at least Lucifer is an enemy they have confidently beaten before. Cas ignores dream Lucifer and starts looking through the lore while dream Michael and dream Lucifer engage in some embarrassing snowball fight. Cas tries to tune it out while he searching desperately for something in the library that could help Dean’s condition.

Suddenly they are all at the side of a lake. Chuck killed Michael. And now he was beating the snot out of Sam and Dean. Cas tried to put his body as a shield between Chuck and the Winchester’s but no one was affected by his presence. Cas screamed in bitterness and frustration, but no one paid attention to him. Jack walked over and knocked Chuck down. Cas was relieved that Dean wasn’t getting hit anymore.

They got into the Impala and drove to some town. Jack made people appear and then Jack disappeared. Sam and Dean drove to the bunker. Dean drank himself to sleep and Cas watched over him.

The brothers started working a case and Cas watched in horror as a vampire in a mask pushed Dean into a spike.

Cas couldn’t watch Dean die not even in a dream. Cas grabbed his angel blade and slit his own throat. Cas was cutting his grace out. He hoped that if Dean had angel grace he’d snap out of it. Cas began to feel light headed from the quick drop in power.

Cas knelt down on the barn floor. Then he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up and saw Dean smiling at him. The dream vampires and dream Sam all had disappeared. Cas and Dean were alone in the dark barn. Dean looked unhurt to Cas.

“Cas, why are you hurt?” Dean asked.

“You are in a coma Dean. I couldn’t wake you, and I thought angels don’t sleep. So I wanted to give you my grace,” Cas said.

Dean knelt down beside Cas, and put Cas’s hand to his own neck. “Heal yourself Cas!” Dean said with worry furrowed on his brow.

“I can’t Dean. I gave it all. I’m human now.” Cas smiled. Cas knew his situation was dire and now he’d bleed out. But he got to see his Dean again, and he couldn’t help from smiling. “I thought I lost you. Dean, does this barn remind you of the night we met?”

“Forget about the memories Cas. I want the real you. I’ve been stuck in this dream over and over. And I knew if I could just find you I’d snap out of it. You can’t leave buddy. We just found each other again. I thought you were gone forever. Because you never told me goodbye before,” Dean whispers to Cas. Dean puts his own hand over Cas’s throat and to his surprise his hand glows and Cas’s throat is healed.

“Cas, what the fuck?” Dean asks Cas.

“Uhh, you have my grace so now you have angelic powers.” Cas tells Dean.

“I don’t want them, Cas. Can I give them back? How do I fix this?” Dean asks. Dean stands up and offers Cas his hand to help him up.

“There is nothing to fix, Dean. I don’t need those powers anymore. I’d like to live a human life.” Cas looks at Dean.

“Cas, I think losing you. It broke something inside me. Everytime I lose you it gets harder for me to recover. When you pulled me out of Hell, I was torturing souls and I enjoyed it. Ever since then I’ve been barely keeping it together. I close my eyes and see myself ripping limbs off of humans with a smile on my face. Cas, you are the only one that knows that and still loves me. You have seen me at my worst and love me for me.” Dean tells Cas.

“Who you were then, that’s not who you are now. That doesn’t define you,” Cas says. “You—” Dean leans in to kiss Cas on the lips. Then Dean pulls back and looks at Cas. Cas appears totally astonished, and Dean smiles at Cas because he’s beautiful and amazing.

“I love you, Cas. I never believed in angels or a greater power before we met. I only believed in the things I could see. But then I met you Cas. You gave up Heaven, and everything you had ever known because you believed in doing the right thing. You believed in us. You fought for us.” Dean said, “You are more than an angel to me. You are my Cas.” Dean wraps his arms around Cas. “Cas, can we get out of here?”

“Yes Dean, you just need to wake up,” Cas says.

~~

Cas blinks and is back in the hospital with Dean and Sam. The hospital also has nurses and technicians walking along the hallways.

“Hey Cas! It looks like the Rapture got reversed.” Sam looks at Cas. “Um... any luck with Dean?”

“Yes Sam, actually Dean was the one that pulled me out of the dream,” Cas said.

“Oh wow really?” Sam walked over to the side of Dean’s bed and leaned over to see if there was any change in Dean. Dean’s eyes were still open and looking on the ceiling. Then Sam felt an arm grab his shoulder and shake him, and Sam found himself flinching involuntarily.

“Got you!” Dean laughed.

“Go to hell,” Sam rolled his eyes and then leaned in to hug his brother.

Dean hopped out of bed, and asked Sam if he could borrow his knife. Sam nods and hands his brother his blade. Then Sam announces he has a text from Eileen, and he’ll be back in a bit.

“Where’s Jack?” Dean asks.

“Here I am,” Jack appears in the room. An orderly screams. “Oh don’t worry I’m a magician, and that was part of my magic act,” Jack tells the frightened orderly.

Dean grabs a specimen cup out of a drawer and slices his neck. The grace drips into the specimen cup. After it’s filled Dean replaces the lid on the jar.

“Dean, I meant it before I don’t want my grace back,” Cas says.

Jack reaches out to heal Dean’s neck. “Here Jack can you keep this in a pocket dimension for safe keeping?” Dean hands Jack the jar.

Jack nods his head and disappears. Another orderly screams but the first orderly explains it’s part of a magic act.

“I’m glad you still don’t want your grace,” Dean walks over to Cas and reaches out to hold his hands. “I’m ready to try new things. The stress of hunting has been wearing me down. I’m running on adrenaline and I am barely coping anymore. I’m too tired to feel anything but anger most of the time. I want to find some peace, and I’d like to grow old with you Cas.”

“And I’d like to grow old with you, Dean Winchester.” Cas says.

They share a kiss and then another. “Dean if we’re still in your coma, I don’t want to wake up,” Cas says.

“No Cas, we’re not dreaming. This is real. We’re real,” Dean tells Cas while punctuating the answer with kisses under his jawline. “And now that we have each other, nothing can drag us apart.”

#destiel fic #Destiel coda #Destiel fix it #Destiel series finale rewrite #gum writes

[norahastuff]

Damn this season man. I mean I’ve been loving all of it, but this last stretch of episodes from 15x08 till now has been particularly epic.

I’m going to start with how satisfying it is to see Dean’s growth so far this season. Dean’s always felt that he had to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders. No matter how much he talked about how it was him and Sam against the world, or how many times he told Cas they were in it together, at the end of the day he’s always felt the responsibility would always fall on him and him alone. He had to take care of everyone. 

But Dean’s growing this season. We saw that just a couple episodes ago with his confession to Cas. He acknowledges his tendency to cling to anger, almost like a life preserver, to stop himself from being overwhelmed by pain and helplessness. His reasons for using anger as a coping mechanism are complex and multi faceted, but one of the main ones was that he had to be the strong one. Everything would ultimately be his responsibility, so he could never afford to fall apart. First his father gave him the responsibility for taking care of Sam, made sure it was ingrained in him that that was his role. Then came the archangels. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that conversation between Dean and Cas in the hospital room at the end of 4x16 when Dean just falls apart because he can’t handle the new role he’s been given; the role of The Righteous Man. 

And who can forget Chuck? Back in season 11 Chuck told Dean he was instrumental to the survival of the universe, he called him “the firewall between light and darkness.” That is some kind of burden to put on any one human’s shoulders. 

You know what’s interesting about all those things Dean was told? They weren’t true - at least not the whole truth in any case. John’s orders to take care of Sam also had the hidden caveat of maybe having to kill him. The archangels dubbing him The Righteous Man...well we know how much deceit and manipulation was going on there. And Chuck placing the universe in Dean’s hands, was just another way for him to avoid the consequences of his own choices and continue playing with his favourite characters from a distance. Fortuna even says as much in this episode.

Chuck was annoyed that humans, his creations, weren’t behaving the way he wanted - they chose to worship things other than him. Then he realised he could use this to his advantage and create gods as a way to distract them and draw their attention and rage away from him. Chuck really hasn’t changed his M.O. since the dawn of time. 

Anyway to get back to Dean, that belief that it’s all on him is changing. In 15x09 we saw him trust Sam’s judgement on how best to handle Chuck. He acts similarly with Cas. The catalyst for the big “domestic dispute” to quote Jensen (though personally I’d call it a cosmic dispute - it took travelling to a different plane of existence, facing primordial beings and good old fashioned praying for them to start to listen to each other again) was Cas still wanting to help Jack after everything that went down. 

And yet now, Jack returns from the great beyond and Dean looks to Cas for the confirmation that everything is ok. He hears that Jack’s been eating Grigori hearts and that Cas let him, and he doesn’t even need an explanation from him. He trusts Cas’ judgement. No question about it.

And that’s how they’re going to win. They’re going to choose not to play Chuck’s game of infighting and drama. They’re going to trust each other and come together. How many times in the past have we heard Sam and Dean say “We don’t have friends. All our friends are dead.” We saw how bad things got in Chuck’s AU stories when they were alone. How broken Dean was about losing their friends. About losing Cas.

 It’s what Chuck wants, Sam and Dean alone, because it’s not enough to beat him. He hasn’t considered that they’re not alone. They’ve got allies, friends, family. They have hope. 

Some other random thoughts: 

Cas is back, facing yet another Grigori (the last one left maybe? I didn’t quite catch that) to save someone he considers his kid. Though honestly his role of father is a lot less complicated with Jack than it ever was with Claire. Jack and Cas have considered each other father and son from the very beginning, and whatever else went down, neither of them have ever wavered on that. Although there were glimmers of a parent/child thing with Cas and Claire, there was too much guilt, pain and history for either of them to truly be able to be that for each other. It’s why as much as I wish we’d gotten another Cas and Claire interaction, I can understand why it never happened. She did keep the Grumpy Cat he got her from the Hot Topical though!

I was going to say I love how Sam has no more fucks left to give but that’s not really true at all. He cares a lot, maybe more than ever, about the important things like saving the people, beating God, checking in with Cas and Eileen etc. But he genuinely has no more patience when it comes to Dean and his nonsense and it is glorious to see. He’s just straight up calling him out on all his bull. Last week it was about how everybody, including Dean, is well aware of how Cas looks at Dean, and that Sam knows that Dean knows it too.

He continues his sassy streak this week with this gem: 

Dean: Man, I've been slinging pool cues since before you were born.

Sam: What? When you were 4? Really? What, between nap time and snack?

I love him so much.

#15x11 #spn meta #spn #my spn thoughts #Destiel #dean r.m.h.f. winchester #sam you beautiful moose #oh cas #spn s15 spoilers #supernatural

[mittensmorgul]

I've watched season 11 again, and I have a question if you're willing to answer. In season 5, Cas was very disappointed about learning God was basically a "dead beat dad," as Dean called it. But when Cas had an opportunity to talk to Chuck, he didn't seem all that interested in talking to him or even asking a question or two. Why do you think they never had Cas interact with Chuck as a son talking to his father when it was such a huge deal for Cas in season 5?

Hi there! I’m happy to talk about this, because honestly I was personally GLAD that Cas treated Chuck the way he did in s11.

(A/N: I was halfway through writing this when my power went out last night, so now that everything is back on I’m gonna see if I remember wtf I was even talking about... if this goes sideways halfway through, blame Potomac Edison)

Cas had already realized long before exactly who and what Chuck was. I mean, not that Chuck was actually God, but that God and “His Plan” was always a load of BS.

Chuck left the angels a lot of conflicting information, and not a lot in the Free Will and Critical Thinking arena. I was just thinking about season 6, and this sort of feeds into a lot of the same distinction between Cas and the rest of the angels. My personal line of thinking earlier this evening was this line in 6.20:

CASTIEL I'm doing this for you, Dean. I'm doing this because of you. DEAN Because of me. Yeah. You got to be kidding me. CASTIEL You're the one who taught me that freedom and free will -- DEAN You're a freakin' child, you know that? Just because you can do what you want doesn't mean that you get to do whatever you want!

Major Tangent Warning, because I gotta write out what I was thinking earlier in order to explain why I am So Pleased with Cas and his reaction to Chuck in s11, which I think of as abject disdain. This is key to everything Cas had learned, to all of his growth as a person up to that point.

What Dean tells Cas here is in direct contradiction to what Raphael’s self-stated motive in restarting the apocalypse was. Also from 6.20:

RAPHAEL You rebelled - against God, heaven, and me. Now you will atone. We'll start by freeing Lucifer and Michael from their cage. And then we'll get our show back on the road. CASTIEL Raphael...No. The Apocalypse doesn't have to be fought! RAPHAEL Of course it does. It's God's will. CASTIEL How can you say that?! RAPHAEL Because it's what I want. CASTIEL Well, the other angels won't let you. RAPHAEL Are you sure? You know better than anyone, Castiel. They're soldiers. They weren't built for freedom. They were built to follow.

Raphael is just doing “whatever he wants,” in the way Dean was trying to convince Cas NOT to. Because if Dean learns anything in s6, it is the cosmic cost of his own actions. Think 6.11, and the lessons he learns having to play Death for a day. As much as Dean tries to work around the Bigger Picture of the Universe, he does understand that there is a right and a wrong, and that some things are worth fighting or even dying for, but the cost might sometimes just be too great. And unleashing all the souls in purgatory on the planet seems like just a different sort of apocalyptic level of bad... like putting out a fire with a flamethrower.

Cas had to make a choice here. He’d chosen his path every step of the way, wrestled with each decision he’d had to make over the previous year leading up to that point, but he’d passed the point of no return, and his direct prayer to Chuck went unanswered, and he never got a sign whether he was doing the right thing or not.

I’ve argued in the past that he absolutely DID get a sign, in the form of Dean telling him to stop in 6.20. But Cas dismissed him, out of pride, out of hubris, out  of desperation to do the one thing he believed could give him the power to stop Apocalypse 2.0, save Heaven, and also save Dean in the process, since Dean would be back on the radar to be Michael’s vessel if Raphael succeeded in breaking him out of the Cage.

And here’s the really tangenty part of the tangent: it just made me think of all the nitwits who won’t wear a mask in public, or follow social distancing rules because MAH FREEDUMB, you’re impinging on MAH LIBERTY. BUT THE CONSTITUTION!

Because yes, we can do what we want, but we can’t do WHATEVER we want when our actions are harmful to others!

The framers of the Constitution could never have foreseen a pandemic like this. But any SOCIETY where people must coexist needs to put some constraints on liberty, and the framers absolutely DID understand this.

They also couldn’t have foreseen air travel, but we have established rules about this. They couldn’t have foreseen cars and traffic lights and interstate highways, and yet we have rules that govern our behavior there, as well. Air traffic controllers, stop signs, speed limits-- we don’t just have the right to drive 90 mph through a school zone and run through red lights. And yet nobody yells BUT MAH FREEDUMB! when they get a speeding ticket.

Polite society ALSO must include *MY* right not to be killed because someone else decided that traffic laws didn’t apply to them, see?

Basically, wear your mask and shut up about it, whiny pissbabies. This is what is required of you to live in a functioning society. You do NOT have the right to infect others with a potentially deadly illness. Full stop.

But back to Cas and the Leviathan infection he’s about to infest the entire planet with...

Dean was effectively giving him the “wear a mask, nitwit” speech, but on a cosmic level.

And Cas had to live with the consequences of his choice, with the GUILT and DEPRESSION that resulted. And he spent the next few seasons desperately trying to make up for what he’d done, to atone and do whatever he could to redeem himself-- to Dean. He’d tried to redeem himself to Heaven, but the more he eventually began to learn about Humanity, the less affinity he felt for his fellow angels, and for Chuck’s construct of Heaven.

Because back to another previous point, Chuck effectively left the angels two opposing sets of instructions: orders to watch over the earth and act as shepherds to humanity, and orders to bring on the apocalypse at any cost. Can’t do both, truly. Even Naomi will eventually say, right before Metatron stabs her in the head, that she (and the other angels) forgot that their true mission was to protect and defend humanity, and she didn’t know when or why that ever changed.

FINALLY back to the point! WHEEE!

Basically, Cas has, in the six years between s5 and s11, experienced “god-ness” from every angle, experienced his own guilt over what he now believes were misguided actions, that sometimes Humanity has a better answer, and there are some things that just aren’t worth it in the long run.

Mostly, he’s realized just HOW deadbeat Chuck has always been. And the revelation that Chuck had actually been God all along? Saw their pain and suffering at trying to STOP the apocalypse all those years before? KNEW FULL WELL that Sam, Dean and Cas were doing everything they could to try and save the world from basically the entirety of Heaven and Hell, who were plotting the destruction of humanity and most of creation with it. I mean... Cas spent s5 begging for God’s help, to save the world, to convince Michael and Lucifer that they did not have to destroy humanity, and Chuck... had done LESS than nothing. He’d sat there and ghoulishly watched the entire mess unfold like a bad tv show... oh wait... :’D

By s11, Lucifer had not reached that point that Cas had. Lucifer had many other issues, having been rejected and locked up for most of existence, and even HE had been the one in 5.22 to try and talk Michael out of enacting Chuck’s battle plan. Lucifer never had the experiences Cas did (and despite being given every opportunity to have them over the next few seasons after s11, he continues to reject those experienced at every turn anyway, only serving to highlight the difference between Cas and, honestly, most of the rest of the angels). Lucifer had a personal need for a direct apology from Chuck for everything he’d been put through-- starting with taking on the original Mark and ending with the cage.

Of course Lucifer didn’t get an honest apology, because in the end, it was all just a theoretical production to Chuck. He had never apologized, in any of his universes, to any of the beings he created. And he never would. And on some level, Cas-- via his experiences, what he himself had already come to understand about God and creation-- already understood this about Chuck.

Cas... didn’t care about him anymore. He cared about HUMANITY, about Chuck’s CREATION. The creator might be a worthless jerk, but what came out of his creation is a thing of ultimate beauty. Humanity, love, free will, and the beauty of the universe is what ends up saving the world in 11.23, so I’ve chosen to accept this read of Cas and his relationship and opinions of Chuck. Because it’s perfectly in line with the “moral” of season 11.

Plus it’s just so personally satisfying to me watching each individual character’s reactions to Chuck, and understanding how that aligns with all of their personal arcs.

Dean: brought the “how could your forsake your creation” of a broken-hearted son who has finally seen the truth. something he worked out YEARS ago between himself and his own father, so it didn’t come with that particular personal baggage and didn’t completely break him in the process (as it may have done with Cas had Chuck revealed himself, say, in 7.01...)

Sam: brought his life-long hope that God was real, his faith in God’s inherent “goodness,” did the Chuck Fanboy for a bit before seeing Chuck a lot more clearly. He was able to relinquish his idol worship of Chuck as the Savior of Humanity.

Cas: had brought his experience of Humanity and Godhood, the entire spectrum of Creation that he had experienced for himself and grown through. Cas, for all his mistakes, had never stopped TRYING to do the right thing, never stopped doing everything in his power to save humanity and creation from every cosmic threat, while Chuck himself had only hidden away and watched from the sidelines, when he’d ALWAYS had the power to make everything good and right and allow the Winchesters their peace. Honestly, what BETTER response than to treat Chuck like a bit of gum stuck to his shoe?

Metatron: who had basically spent s9 trying to turn himself into Chuck Lite, literally plagiarizing his Supernatural novels to create his own origin story as the new God, and failed miserably. What other angel could truly confront Chuck, writer to writer, and call him out for His Story? Even fallen as low as he could go, Metatron understood first-hand the responsibility of The Cosmic Author in ways even Cas couldn’t, because narrative symmetry. Metatron was always about the Word, as God’s Scribe. He was a bad copy of the original with the names scratched out. He basically wrote the worst self-insert fanfic of all time. And that gave him the narrative space to confront Chuck about everything that Cas no longer had. Cas had long since rejected that role, sided with Humanity, and smashed Chuck’s Word. The original tablet-breaker.

Crowley: carried on Crowley-ing. Doing the best he could with what he had, and somehow miraculously BS’ing his way through.

Rowena: recognized the Biggest Power in the room and ingratiated herself to it for comfort and protection, and hopefully for a bit of power and security.

Billie: gosh she just stepped in at the 11th hour to annoy Chuck. :’D

But yeah, I’ve always been incredibly pleased that Cas basically ignored Chuck in s11. Good for him.

#spn 6.20 #spn 5.22 #spn 5.18 #spn 11.20 #spn 11.21 #spn 11.22 #spn 11.23 #spn 14.20 #castiel winchester #chuck's process #in the time of covid-19 #Anonymous

[ckret2]

How are you able to write such good romantic scenes when you’re on the aro spectrum?

Gonna start with the weird answer and then explain the logic behind it:

I’m fascinated by the concept of obsession.

Like, particularly, when one person is obsessed with another person.

Typically what fascinates me most is the darker end of the “obsession” spectrum—the “I’ll die for you and/or kill for you,” the “I can’t imagine existing without you and will reinvent myself into some sort of idealized person who can support you as perfectly as possible,” the “I literally worship you like a literal actual god because you are that perfect to me,” the “I hate your guts but I can’t stop thinking about you for more than three seconds and I haven’t slept right in months because of it.” So, yandere tropes, “I’m stalking you out of love” tropes, zealous cults, unrequited love, knight & lord, all that stuff. I’m very interested in the psychology of how what ought to be a positive emotion can get twisted the wrong way into something so negative—how something protective can be twisted into something destructive, how something supporting can twist into something harmful, etc. You know, good horror shit. And so that’s something I spend a lot of time thinking about, reading about, and ultimately writing about.

Here’s the thing though. If you understand how obsession works inside and out, you’re like, 90% of the way to being able to write romance. That is, I think, fundamentally why I’m interested in writing romance in the first place. Because on a scale of 0 to 100, with 0 being “total indifference to a person’s existence” and 100 being “can’t go five seconds without thinking about the person and dreams about them at night,” romance clocks in at, like, 40. You’ve just gotta take Full Obsession and dial it back to a reasonable, healthy, sane level, and then paint it pink and that’s the Romance Feeling.

And then you chuck in a bunch of other positives to go along with the “can’t stop thinking about them” factor to make it a convincing romance.

The characters have gotta be friends with each other—if you can write friends, hell, turn it into “friends who call each other ‘my love’ and are making plans to spend their lives together” and you’ve got a quick and easy romance right there without any extra effort. And I understand how friendship works, I’ve got friends! Friends are a thing I can do. Lovers are friends with benefits. (The benefit is love.)

The characters probably find each other attractive in some way—if it’s physical, then you just gotta think “okay, this character finds that look attractive somehow,” and then describe their physical features in poetic language—the more you wanna emphasize the physical attraction aspect and the more it’s infatuation instead of an old steady love, the more deliriously flowery you can get with the description. If it’s attraction to their personality or other mental traits, just, do that same thing, but with mental features instead of their body. I know how to use descriptions to make things sound pretty, I can do this one too.

If there’s sexual attraction, then apply that same flowery language to generally eroticized body parts and/or body motions, and/or describe the arousal these observations cause the viewpoint character. (I’m also ace—I have never looked at someone and felt sexual attraction—but I do know what a state of arousal in and of itself feels like, and I understand on an intellectual level that people can feel it spontaneously when looking at someone they find attractive, and from there it’s really easy to combine “he looked at someone he thought was very good looking” and “he is feeling arousal, this is what arousal feels like to him” into “he looked at someone good looking and because of it he felt arousal” like it’s a pretty simple cause-and-effect there.)

The characters have gotta respect each other as, like, people, instead of idealized statues and/or dolls (as would be the case if it was obsession instead of love), which means they’ve gotta understand each other really well—so just, you know, write them comprehending each other’s quirks, recognizing each other’s oddities without needing them explained and not finding them weird, being generally familiar with each other. If you know what both your characters are like, you can write each of your characters knowing what the other one is like, too. Bam. Done.

The characters, especially if they’re only newly attracted to each other, probably feel the physical symptoms of that—rapid heartbeat, butterflies in stomach, tongue-tied nervousness, etc. I’ve never felt those things in direct connection to having a crush but I’ve felt them in connection to other things, so I can write about them too, I can intellectually imagine a “this character likes that character so much that it causes this physical reaction” cause-and-effect scenario.

And I could go on but it’s just gonna be a longer list like that.

All of the above things—feeling lowkey obsessed, being extremely close friends, looking at each other and going “ooh you are aesthetically and/or intellectually pleasing,” respecting each other, understanding each other, physically reacting to being around each other—are all things that make perfect sense in my little aro brain without having ever felt romantic attraction in my life, and they’re all things that I know come with romance because like, I see romances in movies, read them in stories, see people talking about them daily, and have several psychology courses and books under my belt that talk about the mechanisms of love along with all the other things that come in human brains. The very first movie I was ever taken to was Aladdin and I’m not sure if I was even speaking in full sentences by then—I’ve been passively absorbing research on romance practically since I was born. I’ve just gotta remember what I’ve learned and put it together in a way that sounds sensible and that matches up with what I’ve learned about how romance works and what I know about, like, how humans work.

And if a given couple’s romance differs from the above list—like, they’re totally in love but they aren’t best friends and they don’t have that deep knowledge of each other because they fell in love in two days and eloped in under a week—then that’s fine, that just necessitates amping up other factors to strengthen the love—maybe increase the obsession factor if it’s a rapid infatuation rather than a slow burn, maybe have them idealize each other more than they should which keeps them feeling attraction for each other but covers up flaws they’ll probably notice later... and when you’re writing inside their perspective you can write their romance to be as beautiful and perfect as they feel like it is, but if you recognize those flaws in their relationship you can hold onto them to use later—either to shake up the relationship and force them to grow and stabilize it, or else to make it come crashing down.

The point is, you gotta keep it realistic even when from the characters’ perspectives it’s an idyllic perfect relationship. If they’ve known each other a week, then they don’t know everything about each other. You can’t claim they do without it sounding ridiculous. They might feel like they know “everything that matters,” but it’s disingenuous to try to demonstrate No They Really Are In Love by giving them knowledge they haven’t earned yet. Show they love each other in spite of their ignorance. That goes for any other trait that a “full” “developed” romantic couple has but that they lack.

What matters, ultimately, is that at the end of the scene, it’s got to read like the characters are attracted to or in love with each other—even if it’s for dumb or shallow reasons—and not like the author put the attraction on top of them like funny hats.

And on that note?

Although being aro gives me a very obvious disadvantage writing romance that alloromantic folks don’t have—no personal experience to draw upon, even as little as knowing what it feels like to have a crush—I think it does give me one specific advantage over allo writers: I’m going to side-eye a romance plot line unless I’m convinced it works, and that applies to my own plot lines as well. And I think that being aro sorta automatically gives me stricter standards for what it takes to convince me a romance works.

Particularly in movies, it’s easy for the writers/directors/whoever to default to shorthands to “demonstrate” that characters are in love: tropes like “they argued and insulted each other for half the movie, then in a heated moment they kissed, then they were clearly attracted to each other the whole time,” that sort of thing. I can’t stand that. I know not being able to stand poorly-written hollywood romances isn’t an exclusively aro/ace thing. Plenty of allo folks complain about piss poor romantic subplots. But I have noticed a higher willing suspension of disbelief among allo folks to accept it as a given that two characters belligerently sniping at each other are doing so because they’re suppressing attraction (perhaps because there are hidden Signs Of Attraction that are invisible to me? I don’t know) while I see a much lower willing suspension of disbelief for that sort of thing among a lot of my ace- & aro-spectrum friends. I recognize I’m working off a limited data set, here, but I theorize it’s just harder to accept that two characters being assholes toward each other are better off boning than ignoring each other for the rest of their lives if the person being asked to accept this doesn’t have personal memories of Attraction™ to fall back on to fill in the gaps between the shorthand the director is using to symbolize (but not demonstrate) attraction.

So I can’t use those kinds of shorthands in my own work, because they don’t work for me. If I want the audience to feel like two characters are in love, I’ve got to bust my ass to demonstrate to myself, first and foremost, that they’re in love. That means I can’t just say they like each other, I’ve got to SHOW why they like each other. I can’t just say they’re attracted to each other, I’ve got to SHOW the audience what it is find attractive about each other—I’ve got to describe it clearly and compellingly enough that the audience can see their attractiveness too, no matter if I’m describing a robot disguised as a spider or a pile of volcanic rock in the shape of pteranodon. If they’re arguing and hate each other but are suddenly going to kiss in a moment of passion, I’m not going to trust that the audience will just Get that they were secretly attracted the whole time, I’ve got to go into their heads to demonstrate why they feel attraction in spite of their arguing and why, to them, that attraction overweighs their differences.

At no point am I able to create the skeleton of a romance and expect the audience to add the flesh and blood simply because I myself can imagine the flesh and blood based on my past experiences—because I don’t have those past experiences.

Anyway that’s what goes into how I write romance.

#(I hope you were expecting a long answer because long answers are the only answers I have) #(and also this is actually something I've like... thought about) #(when u realize ur really into writing romance but have zero interest in HAVING romance u start to go 'hm thats odd' at urself) #about my writing #anonymous #ask

[petertingle-yipyip]

Idle Worship - Thomas

Part Three - Still Into You

// IW1 // IW2 // Series inspo: @writingsbychlo // Series tags: @writingsbychlo @dylinski @moongoddesskiana @technolilly //

Pairing: Thomas x Reader

Word Count: 14,739... I had to fit a whole movie okay!?!

Summary: They survived the Scorch, made it to the Right Arm. But in the midst of what seemed like safety, betrayal rears her ugly head in the form of a friend. To save themselves and their Groups, Y/N and Thomas head back to WICKED. Will Y/N and Thomas be able to look at each other after what they have to do and be able to honestly say “I’m Still Into You.”?

//Quick AN: I know Tommy Month is over so this is late buuuuut i still wanted to post it in all its glory//

“Hello, Thomas.” The woman greeted him.

Even though Brenda had been on the ground, gasping for breath and writhing in pain, you could only focus on Thomas and the strange woman. She was vaguely familiar, but at that point everyone was. Thomas squeezed your hand a bit tighter.

“You know me?” He managed.

“Interesting.” She nodded.”It makes sense they’d put you in the Maze.”

“How do you know about the Maze?” You spoke up, now feeling uneasy. “How do you know him?”

“Ah, Y/N.” She smiled politely. “Good to see that you two found each other. Though I admit, I was worried they’d kill you both after what you two did.”

“What I did?” He mumbled.

“What did we do?” You asked with furrowed brows. You had remembered kneeling in a hallway, being yanked away from Thomas and constantly apologizing to him. But you couldn’t remember any specifics that’d get either of you killed. You hoped it was some weird nightmare, a combination of different memories that weren’t the exact situation, but now it seemed like it was real. 

“The first time we spoke, Thomas, you said you couldn’t take it anymore.” She explained as she examined Brenda. “Watching your friends die, one by one. Watching the person you love struggle and lose herself. The last time we spoke, you gave me the coordinates to every WICKED compound, trial, and lab.”

“He was our source.” Vince realized.

“And you, Y/N.” She said, turning her attention to you. “You realized who they were and were ready to unmask their whole operation years ago. You were the one that opened his eyes. I don’t know what you found, but whatever it was must’ve been big.”

You saw Teresa look at Thomas in disbelief, pain almost. You knew Teresa was the one that trusted WICKED the most. You remembered that when you first saw her. She was WICKED’s goody two shoes. Part of you didn’t trust her, but at least she was familiar.

You stopped listening to the rest of Thomas and the woman’s conversation and tried to pinpoint what Teresa was feeling. Did she feel betrayed? Or was she just as confused as you and Thomas were? She looked as if she wanted to cry, as if she had been punched in the stomach. But what did Teresa have to lose by Thomas helping the Right Arm?

While Thomas went with Mary - you had learned her name a bit after she walked off - you went up to Teresa. You wanted to check on her, to make sure she was with you.

“What are you thinking about?” You asked, walking away from the group with hopes of coaxing the truth from her.

“Thomas set up WICKED.” She said in a somber voice. “He gave them up. What did you find out that turned him against WICKED?”

“I don’t know, probably nothing we don’t already know now. But you saw what they did to us, didn’t you?” You asked, obvious pain in your voice. “Teresa, I know who they are. And they aren’t saviors and they’re not trying to help anyone but themselves. Not everyone in the Mazes are immune, and the Right Arm might be our only chance to help them. To keep them safe.”

“Y/N, I don’t think you made the right choice.”

“What do you mean?”

“If you really wanted to expose WICKED for whatever information you found out, that would’ve been wrong. I know none of us remember what happened back then, but I can’t help but think that we should’ve stayed.”

“They could’ve killed me.” You said simply, stopping your steps and grabbing her arm to stop her too. “They wanted to kill me, which is why they sent me into the Maze. I was a liability. And I remember promising Janson that I’d kill him and I’d end WICKED. Don’t tell me you’d rather be there than here. Please…”

“You didn’t mean that.” She let out a nervous laugh. You noticed she avoided your accusation about where she’d rather be. “You wouldn’t kill anyone, right?”

You paused, rubbing your mouth as you thought. You glanced at your friends who were talking with Vince about something you couldn’t hear. You saw Thomas leaving the tent where Brenda was. He shot you a wide grin when his eyes met yours. You smiled, wiggling your fingers in gesture.

“Y/N. Please tell me you wouldn’t kill anyone.” She nearly begged.

“I’m not going to say that.” You shook your head, backing away from her to meet up with Thomas. “Cause if it meant I would keep what I found, I’d have to.” You shrugged before turning away and finding Thomas already walking towards you.

“Boys are up there.” He said, gesturing to Newt, Minho, and Frypan on top of a small rock ledge. “You coming?”

“I’d follow you anywhere.” You grinned, taking his hand and following him up the rocks. You two made your way to Newt’s other side, you settling in between the two. Thomas kept a loose hold of your hand as you let your feet hang over the edge.

“I wish Alby could’ve seen all this.” Newt sighed, looking over the camp.

“He’s still with us.” You said comfortingly, patting his leg. You remembered Alby from the Compound. He was kind, the type of person that made you laugh even when you didn’t want to. He was honest and a born leader. You felt a bit sad that you didn’t get to meet him again.

“And Winston.” Frypan added.

You all nodded. You didn’t meet Winston. He had died before the boys got to you and you didn’t remember ever meeting him in the Compound.

You felt Thomas slowly pull his hand from yours to go into his pocket. His hand came back into sight with a small, hand carved wooden figurine. He turned it between his fingers, a sad look in his eyes. You gently placed a hand on his arm and leaned onto his shoulder.

“And Chuck.” Thomas said softly.

“He’d be proud of you, you know, Tommy.” Newt said honestly.

“Yeah.” Thomas nodded.

“Y’know, I kinda like that kid.” Frypan said, pointing to Aris, who smiled up at you all and waved excitedly.

“He’s a good guy.” You agreed. “When he first came up in the Box, my girls rioted.” You laughed. “He wouldn’t come out of his room for two days.”

“Eh… I still don’t trust him though.” Minho said, squinting his eyes to emphasize his suspicion. You threw a loose stick at him and laughed.

“Teresa threw rocks at us.” Newt commented, shaking his head with a small smile. “She wouldn’t stop until she heard Thomas.”

“Really?” You lifted your head to look at him with raised eyebrows. “She needed to hear you?” You teased.

Thomas simply laughed and threw an arm over your shoulders. He pulled you close to him and you grinned, curling into his side. “Hey, what’s up with Teresa? Where is she?” Thomas asked, looking over the crowd and not seeing her.

“She’s adjusting, I think.” You reasoned. “I don’t know. She seemed… hesitant to be here, like she doesn’t trust them or something.” You shrugged, trying not to raise any concerns against her. You thought about letting the red flags fly, but you had your own doubts. You didn’t think it was right to try to turn her friends against her.

“She went up there.” Newt said, pointing to a ledge a few feet away. She stood by herself, staring into the distance, almost watching for something. Thomas stood up and headed that way.

“Where are you going?” You asked, grabbing his hand.

“I’ll be right back.” He explained.

“T.” You said, tilting your head and hoping he’d get what you meant.

“I’ll be right back.” He said again, a bit more emphasis on the sentence.

“I’m going with you then.”

“No, Y/N-”

“Too late!” You announced as you stood. “I’m already up.”

“God, get away before I puke.” Minho teased as you followed Thomas towards Teresa.

“You’re a pain in the ass, you know that?” Thomas chuckled.

“I asked if she’d rather be at WICKED or here…” You said simply. “She didn’t answer and I don’t want to make any assumptions but...”

Thomas looked at you and sighed slightly, understanding what you were proposing. He didn’t want to think that was true, but he knew he couldn’t ignore it. Even if he didn’t remember much, he did remember that Teresa had always been more willing to cooperate and work with WICKED than either of you two ever were.

“You okay?” He asked her as you two met up with her at the top.

“What are you doing up here?” You asked gently.

“Just thinking.” She looked at you two and then back.

Thomas paused and looked to you. You shrugged, not knowing what to say. His head bobbed side to side, running through a couple different things he could say before deciding.

“Alright.” He said, taking your hand to leave. “We’ll let you be alone.”

“Do you remember your mother?” She asked suddenly, causing you and Thomas to freeze.

“Uh…” He stopped to think. He glanced at you and you simply shook your head, knowing if you tried to speak there’d be no sound. The lump in your throat was thick. “I think so..”

“I remember mine.” She said sadly. “She was a beautiful woman.” You could tell she was trying not to cry. “Everybody loved her. Before WICKED, she was all I had.” You and Thomas took a couple steps closer. “When she got sick, I didn’t know what to do. I just kept her locked up… Hidden. I thought she’d get better. Every night, she’d make these awful sounds, like screaming. And then, one night, she just stopped.”

“Why are you telling us this?” You interrupted, your voice tight.

“She was finally quiet.” She ignored your question. “I went down to her room, and there was blood everywhere.”

“Teresa.” You tried again.

“Hey.” Thomas said gently to you. You weren’t sure if he wanted you to calm down for her sake or for yours. But her speech, the sudden mention of losing her mother to the Flare, it left an eerie feeling in the air. It was thick, the tension and build up she seemed to be aiming for. 

“No, why are you telling us this? What did you do?” You quickly realized she was stalling, trying to distract you and Thomas from something. If she wasn’t hiding something or stalling for time, why would she call you both back? Why would the story of her mother be relevant?

“But she was just sat there, calm. She said she was feeling better. The visions were gone. She’d taken care of them.” She continued.

“Thomas, I don’t like this.” You shook your head, trying to pull him with you. You felt bad that she had to go through that, that she had to remember that, but you didn’t trust the situation. 

“It’s alright.” He said to you carefully, squeezing your hand in reassurance. It annoyed you that he wouldn’t follow you, but you had hoped you were just being paranoid. You paused your hustle, every muscle fiber in your body wanted to bolt, but the grip he had on you anchored you where you stood.

“She took her eyes out, Thomas.” Teresa said, a break in her voice when she said his name. “There are millions of people suffering out there. Millions of stories, just like mine. We can’t turn our backs on them. I won’t.”

“So you would rather be at WICKED than here.” You nodded in confirmation. “Just go then.”

“Y/N.” Thomas said, his voice asking for you to be nice. She was still his friend after all.

“No, Thomas. I’m tired of being nice.” You shook your head, stepping closer to close the distance between you and Teresa. “If you still think WICKED is trying to help, than go. They got on fine without you and they’ll get on fine if you leave.” You pointed to Newt and Minho since they were the two from Group A that you saw first. “You never cared about me and Thomas, when we were in the Compound. You never cared about all the other kids WICKED was toying with. You never saw anything wrong with taking all of someone’s memories and sending them into a gigantic, concrete, changing Maze to die..”

“Hold on.” Thomas said from your side, gently moving you to put space between you and Teresa. “Teresa, what are you saying?”

Thomas didn’t want to believe it. Teresa was his friend, the only thing that felt truly familiar until he found you again. He knew Teresa was one of WICKED’s most loyal, but he had hope that being with him and you again would show Teresa what was really best.

“I’m saying, I want you to understand.” She pleaded.

“Understand what?” You urged, just waiting for her admittance.

“Why I did it.” She said, finally looking you in the eyes.

You and Thomas saw the lights behind her shoulder. The bright white spots came from over the mountains, only a few miles away. You recognized the faint rumble as the sound of Berg engines. The only people that would have a fleet of Bergs coming your way was WICKED.

“Son of a bitch!” You groaned, quickly climbing down the rocks to get to everyone else.

Safety had felt few and far between since the moment you entered the Maze. Feeling secure was something you had only dreamed of. Hope was a luxury you couldn’t afford. But when you and your friends finally made it to Vince and the rest of the Right Arm, you felt like you could actually breathe for the first time. You felt a weight being lifted off your chest, a fear disappearing from your heart. It truly felt like you were safe, until you saw those lights.

You had gotten too comfortable, too trusting. You were there less than a few hours and it all fell apart. You felt anger burn your veins when it happened. You wanted to tear her apart, burn down the world and dance in the ashes. The betrayal made your vision red, a blacked out anger overtook you. Teresa had been your downfall.

The missile landed before you could reach everyone. The impact shook the ground and you nearly lost your footing. Thomas caught you and you stopped for a minute, staring at the new flames around the camp. You felt guilt eating at you, but you pushed it deep down and hurried into action. You grabbed the first gun you saw and began firing.

You found Minho and Newt offering cover for Vince and Harriet. You knelt near the bed of the truck, using it to shield your body. You popped out and took out a couple guards at a time, trying to protect the rest of your friends. You heard Thomas yelling from a few feet away, but your brain didn’t register what he said or where he was.

“Shit.” You mumbled. “I’m out.” You yelled, slinging the rifle over your shoulder just in case you were able to reload later.

You were the only one that saw the guard twisting the Shock Grenade. 

“Watch out!” You yelled, trying to pull Harriet and Minho out of the way but it was too late. You let go just before the electricity could transfer to you. You quickly crawled out the way, knowing you needed to find Thomas and think of a plan. You wouldn’t be able to save everyone by yourself.

He was hidden behind a truck with Brenda and Jorge, who were talking about running. Thomas was quiet but you could see the gears turning in his head. His mind was racing. He was trying to figure out where you were, how to help everyone, and how to get rid of WICKED. His thoughts showed when he heard your voice beside him.

“Thank God, you’re alright.” You said as you met up with him. “We can’t run from this.” You told Jorge. “You can, but my fight with them isn’t over.”

“Neither is mine.” Thomas agreed.

“You’re both idiots.” Brenda sighed in annoyance. “There’s no way you’re gonna beat them.”

You peaked around the side of the truck bed, ignoring the conversation happening next to you and hoping to come up with a new plan, but there were too many. You couldn’t win. So you did the only thing you thought you could do. You had to surrender because maybe they’d take you instead of anyone else.

“As soon as you get your chance, you need to go. You need to run and you need to run fast.” You explained before you pushed your way to the front of the truck, making sure Thomas wasn’t following you. You brought the strap of the gun over your head and dropped it to the floor before you took a few more steps, raised your hands behind your head, and dropped to your knees.

“What are you doing?” Thomas asked, suddenly at your side. He pulled you up by your arm and away from the approaching WICKED soldiers.

“I’m taking the fall.” You pulled your arm away angrily. “It’s the only way to keep them safe. To keep you safe, dumbass.” You shoved his chest, hoping he’d take the hint to go. “Go!”

“It’s my turn.” He dropped to his knees, palms up in surrender.

“Too late.” You winked as you knelt once again. “I already surrendered.”

“I love you.” He chuckled.

“I love you too.” You blew him a kiss as the guards roughly pulled your arms down and twisted them behind your back.

You were both hauled to your feet and dragged to the rest of the kids, neither guard cared to be considerate with you. You were separated from the adults, and the guards made a point for you two to be placed in front of everyone. You and Thomas were singled out next to each other at the very front, only you two.

“I’ll kill her.” You sneered as you were shoved to your knees in front of everyone. Thomas was shoved down beside you, Newt and Minho right behind you. “I thought you were our friend, that you cared about us!” You screamed at Teresa, who wasn’t there but you had just needed to say it. You hoped she had to be close enough to hear. 

“Is everyone alright?” You asked, keeping your eyes forward to prove a point. You were nothing if it petty. “Anyone hurt?”

Everyone mumbled an answer. Most said they were fine. You heard a couple complain about being handled too harshly. At least none of the kids were hurt too badly.

“Quiet in the front!” A guard announced.

You saw Sonya being shoved down in the row right behind you. Anger bubbled in your chest again. It made your veins hot, every muscle in your body tensed. It took every ounce of restraint that you had to keep yourself planted on the floor beside Thomas. Your hands balled into fists at your sides, nails digging into your palm. You knew you should bite your tongue, keep quiet and not cause a problem. But you never were compliant with WICKED.

“Sonya, you alright?” You asked again.

“Quiet!”

“I’m trying to check on my friend, you dick.” You replied before the back of a hand collided with your face.

Your head jerked to the side and you chuckled in annoyance. The impact split open you lip and the whole camp fell silent, if only for a moment. You lifted your head and spit the blood from your mouth at the guard’s feet. A few of your friends hollered in approval while the next WICKED guard handled you like a rag doll.

Your head was shoved down and you heard the whirl of a scanner. “B2.” The guard announced. He moved over and scanned Thomas. “A2.”

“How many did we get?” Janson asked as he walked up, a pride in his stride that made you feel sick.

‘It’ll be better once you’re dead and WICKED is gone.’

‘Is that a threat?’

‘Not at all… It's a promise.’

“All of them.. Give or take.” A WICKED staff member replied.

“Give or take what?” Janson asked in annoyance. “Ah, B2. How are you?” He smiled widely when he saw you front and center.

“You may think I forgot, but I’ll make good on my promise, Rat Man.” You replied simply, a smirk growing. “I guarantee that I’ll watch you die before you kill me.”

“And where’s…” He began to ask before seeing him next to you. “Thomas.” He motioned for Thomas to stand before punching him in the stomach.

You jumped to your feet, your hand in a tight fist. You swung your arm back before a guard hooked his arm through yours and yanked it behind your back. He drove a knee into your stomach for good measure before and slammed an elbow against your spine.

The impact knocked the air from your lungs. You coughed violently, trying to open your airway. The guard’s grip only tightened on your arm as he yanked you to stand straight. Janson sucked his teeth and shook his head in disappointment, wanting to comment on how you were wasted potential but decided against it. 

“Get them in line.” Janson said with his back towards you.

“You should’ve ran.” Minho said to you two as you were shoved roughly to the ground again next to the rest of the kids.

“I’m tired of running.” Thomas said with determination.

“Too much fun going on here to run.” You tried to joke, still trying to fully fill your lungs. “Besides, I said I’d kill that guy so I have an obligation to be here. Plus, you all wouldn’t survive a day without me, especially not if they take us back to the Compound.”

Any argument was cut off by a new Berg landing. A woman in all white, surrounded by heavily armed guards, exited the chopper and headed towards you. She stopped to talk to Janson before approaching all of you.

Some of your friends were herded onto a helicopter as you and Thomas were shoved to stand in front of the woman in white. You didn’t even have a chance to fight for them before you realized who stood before you. You scoffed silently, a familiar disgust settling in your stomach.

“Hello, Thomas.” She greeted politely. “Hello, Y/N. I see you’re the same troublemakers you were before the Maze.” She smiled fondly, as if the memory of you two brought her joy. Or maybe she was just happy to have caught back up with her favorite toys.

“And I see you faked your death.” You commented honestly as Teresa approached you three. “Just another lie from WICKED.”

“I’m glad you're safe.” Ava told Teresa as the girl slowly approached the conversation.

“You’re a traitor.” You said to Teresa, taking a step forward only to be yanked back by the guards. “You betrayed your friends and for what? For some lying bag of bones in a white coat? We helped you. I helped you when I didn’t have to. And this is how you repay me? How you repay my girls, huh? By turning us in to the people who took everything from us?” You chuckled in annoyance. “I promise you that I will personally see to it that you regret every decision you ever made. Even before the Maze.”

“Wait, what’s going on?” Newt asked carefully.

“You wanna tell them or should I?” You asked Thomas.

“She’s with them.” He said simply.

“Since when?’ Minho asked angrily.

“Oh, Teresa’s always had an evolved appreciation of the greater good.” Janson explained. “Once we restored her memories, it was only a matter of time.”

“Why are you always around?” You asked suddenly, unable to control your anger. “Don’t you have something better to do than lurk around teenagers?”

“I’m sorry.” Teresa pleaded, looking between the Gladers. “I had no choice. This is the only way. We have to find a cure.”

“One more.” You said, rubbing your temples. “One more stupid sentence out of your face and I’m going to knock your teeth out.”

“This is all just a means to an end.” Ava explained. “You both used to understand that. No matter what you think of me, I am not a monster. I am a doctor. I swore an oath to find a cure!”

“No, you are a liar.” You countered. “You always were and WICKED will always be a lie.”

‘You are doing tremendous here, B2.’ Ava had praised when you first met her. It was soon after your arrival that you spoke to her. ‘You are extraordinary.’

‘Thank you.’ You were proud, thinking you were truly doing something good.

‘I swore an oath.’ She explained. ‘An oath to find a cure and save everyone. Tell me. Who did you lose to the Flare?’

‘What do you mean?’ You had laughed nervously. ‘I didn’t lose anyone.’

‘Hmm.’ She had hummed. ‘You entered our program early enough that you didn’t see any changes in people you love. In any case, it’s a nasty virus. It’s best that you didn’t see it.’

‘I don’t understand.’ You had been confused. ‘My family said they were going to be okay.’

‘They will be.’ She had nodded, but her voice was generic. There was no reassurance in her tone. ‘Thanks to you.’

You didn’t have time to register what had happened next. You had been too lost in the flash of the memory. Mary was killed. Thomas shoved you away. When you looked up at him, he had a grenade in one hand and a detonator in the other. You didn’t even know where he got that from. Everyone was yelling, some yelling at Thomas to put it down and Thomas was yelling for everyone to stay back. Newt helped you to your feet as you watched in shock. Neither you nor the blond knew what to do next, so you simply watched in stunned silence.

“Thomas, please stop.” Teresa begged. “I made a deal with them. They promised we’d be safe, all of us. We-”

“You-” You began loudly, cutting off her next sentence. “You don’t get to talk to him, not anymore! You burnt that bridge when you called them.” You aggressively pointed to Janson and Ava beside her. “Ava told me that my family would be okay, that I’d be able to help them.”

“Please, Y/N.” She tried. “I- There was- This is the only way we can help!”

A guard had dropped their pistol so you picked it up, swung it around a bit as you talked. “When we got the Compound, after the Maze, I looked at the list of who was in the Compound. My family wasn’t listed… No one else in WICKED’s system had my last name, which is Y/L/N in case you were wondering. I remembered it when we got out. Anyways, you wanna know where they were listed? The Known Casualties list. My family is dead because of WICKED, and their egos.” You used the gun to point at Ava and the Rat Man before lifting it to point at yourself. The sudden action drew a gasp from Teresa. “I’d rather die than go with them, no matter who made any kind of deals. WICKED doesn’t keep promises.”

“We’ll be safe.” She pressed desperately.

“And we’re supposed to trust you now?” Thomas replied anxiously.

You made your way closer to him, keeping the gun resting on your shoulder and your finger on the trigger. You could see the tension in his body, the tight grip he had on either device in his hands. But once he looked at you, saw the way you looked at him, he relaxed the slightest bit. He knew he wasn’t alone in that fight, that you would be right beside him through it all. He had never been so thankful for someone’s presence more than he was thankful for yours in that moment.

“Don’t do anything stupid.” You mumbled. “Even if you’re the smarter one between us, you’re looking real dumb right now.”

“I didn’t know what else to do.” He muttered in reply. You simply nodded, telling him it was okay and that you’d figure out a way out that didn’t involve anyone else dying.

Ava was trying to talk Thomas down. Soon Janson joined in. You saw his resolve waiver, felt your own hand trembling. You had to say something then, something real.

“Thomas.” You said gently. “You’re not alone, okay? I’m right here. I’m with you. Hey.” He looked at you, eyes filled with tears. “I’d follow you anywhere, remember?”

Newt, Minho, and Frypan closed in. You thought they were going to try to stop you two. “We’re with you guys.” Newt confirmed, leaving you pleasantly surprised.

“We’re not going back there.” Thomas shook his head.

“If this is the only way, so be it.” You sighed, closing your eyes and lifting the gun. You let out a quivering breath, waiting for the click of the detonator. But it never went off. Your nerves were through the roof, anxiety and fear tracing every nerve in your body, until a loud noise from behind you drew your attention. You turned to where the sound was coming from. Your brain was finally able to process what it was, Jorge honking the horn of a truck and ramming through anything in his path, which included a Berg.

Thomas pulled you to the ground to make sure you didn’t get hit by any loose debris. You had dropped the gun, not entirely sure if you did so purposefully or not. You watched WICKED guards run, pushing Ava to safety.

“You alright?” Thomas asked as he helped you to your feet.

“Uh, hit the ground kinda hard but other than that, I’m good.” You nodded, rubbing your shoulder that you had landed on. “What about you?”

“As long as you’re okay, I’m fine.” He said quickly, offering a quick smile before turning to the boys. “You guys good?”

They nodded, offering thumbs up. A group of guards trained their guns on you and your friends, so Thomas threw the grenade at them and pushed your small group to a safe distance. You two were getting to your feet when Janson came running through the smoke and smacked you both back to the ground. He stood on Thomas, pinning him down by his chest, while he pulled out and cocked his gun.

“What a waste.” He commented.

You found the gun you had earlier and quickly fired, aiming at whatever part of Janson you could. You didn’t care where he got hit, but you were glad to see he did. The bullet knocked him off balance, allowing Thomas to get up. You grabbed him by his arm, helping him to his feet, and began to pull him to the rest of your friends. You saw Brenda out the corner of your eyes with a sniper, following behind you two. She nodded, signaling to you that she had you two covered.

You found the boys, Minho stayed behind to allow time for the rest of you to run. You hesitated, reaching out for Minho’s arm. You couldn’t let him stay behind.

“Let’s go!” Thomas yelled. You weren’t sure if it was for you, Minho, or both. Every cell in your body screamed for you to follow Thomas, to run as fast as you could and save your ass. But the scene in front of you was all too familiar. Guards closing in. One person in their sights, no restraint on what they were willing to do. It reminded you of the time it had happened to you, in the Compound. Only difference was that they needed you kids alive then.

“Minho, we gotta go.” You said urgently, seeing the guards closing in. “I’ve been here before and it won’t end well for whoever they get their hands on, please.”

“I got this, Y/N! Go!” He urged.

“No, not without you.” You countered defiantly. “What about your friends? Minho, these guards will kill whoever they have to.”

“Then it better not be you.” Minho replied, pushing you away and towards Thomas before you could get a word out. Thomas dragged you to kneel behind a few crates where Newt and Frypan were. You struggled in his firm grip, wanting to go and help your friend. But Thomas kept tight hold of you, refusing to let you go and risk losing you again. The only thing that kept you four behind the crates were the gunshots. They were too close to avoid so you had to stay put.

Watching that hatch close, you felt so much and you felt nothing. You hated Teresa, hated the thought of her. You wanted to burn WICKED to the ground, and everyone involved with that disgusting organization. You felt guilty, felt that it was your fault that Minho was taken. He had made sure you were safe before worrying about himself. You were sad, sad that you had lost two friends in one night, both in different ways. But despite everything, you felt so hollow. You felt numb. How long could WICKED take things from you?

You couldn’t even think about sleep that night. The next morning, you sat with Thomas in the bed of one of the trucks. You leaned your back against the cold metal, a stark contrast to your burning skin. You kept a knee up, one of your hands draped lazily on top of it, while Thomas sat near the tailgate.

“What do we do now?” Frypan asked no one in particular.

“We pick up what’s left of us.” Vince explained. “We stick to the plan. We get you kids to the Safe Haven. Then we start over, I guess.”

Thomas stood suddenly, with determination. “I’m not going with you.” He said simply.

“What?” Vince asked.

You stood slowly, not wanting to take his attention away. You took a few careful steps towards your boyfriend, standing near him as he spoke again.

“I made a promise to Minho.” Thomas replied. “I wouldn’t leave him behind. I have to go after him.”

“WICKED just kicked our ass.” Vince said, throwing his arms to his side in a grand gesture to the ruins you were left in. “Think about where you’re headed.”

“I’m not asking anyone to come with me.” Thomas shrugged.

“Well, what are we waiting for?” You said softly as you remembered just days ago when he was willing to follow you out here to the Right Arm, giving a small nod when he looked your way and knew where your head was at. “Let’s go… I’d follow you anywhere.”

“Thomas, Y/N, listen to me.” Newt tried to reason. “I’ve known Minho for… well, as long as I can remember. So if there was any way that we could help him, trust me, I would be up there standing next to you two. This, what you’re talking about… It’s impossible.”

“More like suicide.” Jorge added.

“Maybe.” Thomas agreed.

“That’s what you guys thought a few days ago, when I told you I wanted to bring us to the Right Arm.” You interjected. “You laughed at the thought of ‘Mountain People’ and wanted to stay in that building. If we stayed, we’d be caught by WICKED. All of us… We owe it to Minho to at least try. I lost friends too, friends that I promised we’d stay together. Aris and Sonya are counting on me and if we-” You gestured between you and Thomas. “-are the only ones that are willing to fight back, so be it. I’m not going to stay here and hide while anything could be happening to them.”

“I know what I’m supposed to do now.” Thomas continued. “It’s not just about Minho. It’s about all of us. It’s about everyone WICKED’s ever taken, everyone they will take.”

“They’ll never stop.” You agreed.

“They’ll never stop-” Thomas repeated. “So I’m gonna stop them. I’m gonna kill Ava Paige.”

“And I promised to kill Janson, so I’m right there with you.” You nodded.

Silence fell over the camp. Everyone was digesting his speech, wondering what they should do next. Harriet was the first to agree, saying she wanted revenge. Vince agreed that it was a good speech, but he wanted to know your plan. You didn’t exactly have one so you looked to Thomas.

“How does WICKED do ground transport?” Thomas asked. “Things that are too big, too heavy for a helicopter.”

“There’s gotta be a route or maybe-” You tried to work out.

“Maybe a train.” Vince finished. “There’s tracks maybe a half a day’s drive. We ambush the train, get your friend, and we go from there.”

A few months passed and the fight was on. Jorge and Brenda distracted the conductors while you and Thomas rode with Vince, coming at the train from the back. You were nervous. You had no idea if your plan would work, or if Minho was even on this train. WICKED had to have more than one train, and with there being at least four cargo cars, there was a chance Minho wasn’t there. The truck rumbled dramatically on the gravel, following the path of the tracks, and the constantly bouncing in your seat made you focus on your task. There was no passenger door, so Thomas opted to sit up front.

As Vince got you closer and closer to the train, you two had to act fast. You used the passenger seat as footing and pushed yourself up through the sunroof and onto the roof of the car. Thomas crawled out where the door should’ve been, climbing around to the hood. You waited on top of the car, not wanting to block Vince’s line of sight since Thomas was already on the hood.

“Get us closer!” Thomas yelled as the realization of what you were doing was setting in.

Anticipation had been building amongst you and your peers quickly in the months leading to that moment. You felt as if you were laced with electricity, every movement sent a tingle through your body. You had no idea what would happen. You hoped it would go to plan, but WICKED was always unpredictable.

Thomas hooked the car before taking the jump first. You slid down the windshield, Thomas waiting with his hand reached out for you to help you over. You shook your head slightly, telling yourself it was crazy before taking his hand and hopping to the train. The car’s passenger tire blew before Vince could get over, nearly throwing him to the desert ground. With your boyfriend’s help, Vince made the jump before the lead snapped and the car flipped. Before you three could get in the cars, you saw WICKED’s Berg on its way and taking shots at Brenda and Jorge.

Brenda and Jorge were able to lure the aircraft away, leaving the three of you to board and take over the train. You had never thought you’d be running over the top of a train moving full speed, but the world was different. The armed guards approaching from the other side quickly reminded you of that.

Vince jumped down to release the coupler and separate the car you were on from the cars the guards were coming from. The coupler was too tight so you had to blow it. You and Thomas provided cover fire for Vince while he set the charge. You two got back to Vince and the cars you needed just before the device went off. The explosion triggered the emergency brake so the cargo cars slowly rolled to a stop.

You called for Newt, who was hiding behind a boulder. He jumped out and hurried over, ready to cut through the steel of the train car. While the rest of your crew was helping Brenda and Jorge take the Berg, you and the two boys were trying to find the car Minho was in. Once that was figured out, you noticed the incoming WICKED guards.

“These guys really won’t quit.” You sighed heavily. “Head’s up, boys!”

You and Thomas did what you could with your handguns, not hitting any of the guards. You knew the distance was too far, that the bullets wouldn’t travel far enough, but maybe the shots would be enough to keep them back. Newt had cut the locks off the car, now free to be carried off. You just had to wait on Harriet and the Berg.

After what felt like an eternity, which was realistically a few minutes at most, Harriet arrived. Vince and Newt made it to the top. With the help of a few boys from the Berg, you got the car hooked and was able to carry it off safely.

Once you all arrived back to your temporary home, you got the doors open and rushed inside. You found Aris and Sonya close to the front, your attention changing to focus on them as relief flooded your body. You hugged them tightly, Harriet hurrying to get bolt cutters once she saw them.

“You guys okay?” You asked them, kneeling at the end of their aisle. “I promised we’d stay together, didn’t I?”

Aris smiled in relief and nodded. “We’re okay. How did you find us?”

“Well, Thomas wanted to come get Minho.” You explained. “And I know it’d be my best chance to get you guys back so I wasn;t gonna let him come alone.”

“He’s not here.” You heard Thomas say, and you could see in his face that his heart sank.

While Vince was trying to inspire the new kids, you found Thomas leaning against a wall away from everyone else. You came up behind him, hooking an arm through his and leaning against his shoulder. He turned his head to meet your eyes and sighed before putting a hand over yours.

“You okay?” You asked softly. “I mean, I know you’re not but… What’s on your mind, T?”

“We had one chance to get him.. And we didn’t.” He said sadly. “We got Aris and Sonya, which is great, but..”

“But it’s still not Minho.” You finished for him. “I get it.”

“We’re not gonna get that chance again.”

“No, we won’t.” You shrugged. “But we’ll figure something out. I promised those two we’d stay together.” You pointed gestured to that last area you saw Aris and Sonya.. “And you promised Minho you wouldn’t leave him behind. I get to keep my promise and you’ll get to keep yours.”

“What if we can’t get him back?” He had nearly given up.

“Then we can die trying.” You said plainly. “Thomas, you are too close to give up now. Wanna know what else I promised?”

“Was it a promise to me?” He teased.

“I made many promises to you.” You smiled. “But I’m talking about my promise to Janson, to kill him. What happened to you wanting to take out Ava? We can still do it, T. We just need a new plan.”

“You think we can do it in two days?” He pushed off the wall and turned to face you. Your arm had fallen away, but your two fingers hooked around his.

“Yeah.” You nodded slowly. “But probably not by ourselves. We’re gonna need help, c’mon.” You grabbed his hand fully and led him to a few people you thought would be willing to help if you asked. “But first..” You led him into the small building where Newt asked you to meet him. Sonya, Newt, Brenda, Aris, and Harriet were waiting for you two.

“Took you guys long enough to rescue us.” Aris teased as you two knelt in front of him, drawing a small laugh from you both.

“It’s good to see you too, bud.” Thomas replied gently.

“What happened?” You asked your friend.

“I fought back..” Aris explained. “Tried to, anyway.”

“You’re lucky you found us at all.” Sonya said softly. “They had us on the move a lot. It felt like something big was happening.”

“Any idea where they were heading?” Newt asked.

“All I know is..” Aris paused to think. “They kept talking about a city.”

“I didn’t think there were any cities left.” Harriet said in confusion.

“Cause there’s not.” Brenda confirmed. “None still standing, anyways.”

“Alright, well, what about Minho?” You asked, redirecting attention back to your primary goal. “Why wasn’t he on the train?”

“I’m sorry, Thomas.” Aris said carefully, looking at Thomas with regretful eyes. “He was.”

Later that night, you and Thomas rallied a small group to try to convince Vince to make a second trip. It was a few hundred miles away. There were railroad tracks you could follow, and Thomas estimated it would take less than a week. But the man wasn’t convinced. He said there were too many kids, and it was too risky to stay where they were for too long. But Jorge came in and explained what he knew about the city.

It was WICKED’s home base, its place of operations. Jorge called it the lion’s den. You had a feeling that if you and Thomas went there, it’d be hard to get out. And not just because you were immune, but because you were A2 and B2, two of WICKED’s most promising candidates. But no matter what you and Thomas said, Vince wouldn’t budge. The only distraction from the heated discussion was in the incoming Berg, looking to scan the area next to where you all were currently hiding. You, Thomas, and Vince ran outside to see just close they were.

“We can’t stay here.” Thomas agreed sadly. Once Vince went back inside, you nudged Thomas.

The fact that they were only a few miles away from you made you anxious. It made your fingers twitch, your skin tingle. You’d never be safe if you stayed where you were. You had to leave within the next two days, but you couldn’t leave without Minho.

“We’re gonna get him, right?” You raised your eyebrows.

He nodded slightly. “Yeah. Yeah, we are. We’ll go tonight.”

Later that night, you were waiting for Thomas to sneak out. You sat in the back of one of the trucks, your backpack by your side and your feet bouncing. 

“What are you doing up?” Newt asked from your side, causing you to jump.

“Jesus!” You exclaimed before smacking his arm. “Shut up! You’re gonna get me in trouble.”

Newt laughed and sat down in the open space beside you. “Do you remember when we were at WICKED, before the Maze? Me, you, and Tommy would sneak out through the vents until we found somewhere we could see the sky.”

“Thomas would rant about light pollution and how that’s the reason we didn’t see stars as bright as we do now.” You smiled. “You said we just didn’t need them to be as bright as we do now.”

“We don’t know what we need until it’s gone.” Newt nodded slowly. “And I need my friends. I need you and Thomas… And Minho.”

“It’s a suicide mission, Newt.” You said simply, knowing if he really wanted to go and help that you weren’t going to stop him.

“Eh.” He shrugged a shoulder. “Tried that before.”

“Don’t joke like that.” You said seriously.

“But I’m still here, so I’d like to think I’m pretty bloody invincible.” He joked as Thomas came up. “Where do you think you’re going then?” He asked Thomas, who looked around his friend to you for an answer to his unspoken question. “Don’t be a twat about it. I’m already in.”

Thomas tried one last time to convince Newt to stay back but you already knew the blond was committed. Newt climbed in the driver’s seat as you shut the door and came to Thomas’ side.

“We can’t do this alone.” You said simply. “You wanted help and here it is.”

He hesitated before agreeing. “I know but-”

“Now is not the time to be picky.” You interrupted gently. “He knows the risks and he’s willing to help because Minho means just as much to him as Minho means to you.” You turned to get into the truck with Thomas when you saw Frypan sitting in the front seat, talking to Newt.

“Fry?” You asked with furrowed brows, not knowing when he got into the truck.

“We started this together… Might as well end it that way.” Newt explained.

“Let’s go get him back.” Thomas nodded in determination.

“Hell yeah.” You celebrated quietly as you climbed into your seat and the long drive began.

None of you knew what was happening to Minho, what horrific tests WICKED was running. You didn’t even want to think about how Teresa was taking part. But you knew that you had to do something, and nothing was going to stop your small group from getting him back. He belonged with Newt and Thomas and Fry. He belonged with his friends.

But the universe didn’t make it easy. The first problem you came across was the tunnel. It sent a shiver down your spine, the grotesque cries and moans sounding from the tunnel making your skin crawl.

“I don’t want to come across as too negative, but if I was a Crank, that’s exactly where I would be.” Newt said jokingly, gesturing to the long and dark tunnel in front of you.

“Yeah, I’m not feeling too hot on this either.” You agreed with Newt.

“I don’t think we have much of a choice.” Thomas said as he folded the map.

“Well… I guess I’ll drive.” You shrugged, headed back to the truck.

The tunnel was eerie. The rumble of the engine and the sound of the tires echoed down the concrete structure. Abandoned cars littered the path but not a living soul in sight.

“Just take it nice and slow.” Newt explained.

“I was thinking of going full speed just to get it over with.” You countered casually. You hit the brakes when you saw a Crank in the middle of the road. You looked in the rear view and saw Fry and Newt looking rather unsure of themselves.

“It’s alright.” Thomas said. “It’s just one… Just take it slow and go around him.”

“I should just run him over.” You said, lifting your shoulders in a long shrug as you turned your attention to the road. But you were still for too long.

A Crank was at either rear window, begging for the boys to let them in. Before you knew it, there were Cranks at the front windows too.

“Still want me to take it slow?” You said in annoyance as you stepped on the gas. As you were driving, a Crank jumped onto the hood and began trying to smash the windshield in. You managed to knock him off, but the chaos caused you to run over a barrel and flip the truck.

You and Thomas kicked the windshield out so you could climb out. You tried to settle your dizziness as Thomas helped get Fry and Newt out. The sound of the crash drew in more Cranks and soon you were all running as fast as you could, even if your vision was blurry and your head pounded with every step you took. But before you could reach the end of the tunnel, Cranks began closing in from the other side. Luckily, Brenda and Jorge came just in time to save your asses.

Once you were all safely out of the tunnel, Brenda turned around from her seat to glare at you two. You and Thomas sat in the back, Newt and Fry sitting in the bed of the truck.

“I’m sorry!” You said quickly before she could say anything. “I didn’t wanna bring you into this!”

“Wha- You didn’t tell them?” Thomas asked you.

“Neither did you!” You defended yourself.

“I think they’re trying to say thanks for saving us.” Fry jumped in.

“Yeah.” You nodded. “Thanks for saving our asses. I owe you.”

“Hell yeah you do.” She agreed with a laugh.

Once you were a safe distance from the tunnel, you pulled over to admire the city. There was a thick concrete wall, two stories high and circling the city. The buildings ran even higher. You couldn’t even count how many stories.

“Funny… Spent three years trapped behind walls, trying to break out.” Newt said casually. “And now we wanna break back in.”

“Yeah.. Hilarious.” You replied sarcastically, shoving him slightly. “Guess we’ve come full circle or whatever I remember I wanted out of that place more than anything in the world… And now we need to get back in.”

“So how do we get in?” Thomas asked.

“Don’t ask me, hermano.” Jorge laughed. “Those walls are new. Guess that’s WICKED’s answer for everything, eh?”

Brenda got everyone into the truck, but Newt and Thomas stepped away a bit to talk. When Brenda tried to hurry them, you waved her off. You stayed by the truck but didn’t get in, wondering what they were talking about.

“She’s gonna be there too. You know that, right?” You heard Newt ask Thomas, making your eyebrows raise slightly.

‘She’s nothing but trouble, A2.’ It had been Teresa’s voice. You had been looking for Thomas during Early Leisure one day, wanting to bring him to the rest of the kids to hang out with. ‘You deserve someone better. She’s going to drag you down and ruin your chances!’

‘My name is Thomas.’ He had argued. ‘And- And maybe she’s right!’

‘Don’t do that. Please.’

‘I love her.’ He has said firmly. ‘I’ll always love her.’

‘I love you, Thomas.’ She had confessed. ‘Please, make the right choice.’

“Doesn’t matter.” Thomas shrugged. “Y/N is here and Minho is in there… It’ll be alright.”

The city was chaos. The people were rioting at the Wall. They were throwing rocks, chanting, screaming. WICKED let the people suffer, let them panic, let them riot. There was a group with a motorcade, gas masks, and a bullhorn trying to rally the masses. WICKED had guns embedded in the wall and it was the only thing that stopped the riot. But running from the gun fire led you all into the arms of the guys with the gas masks.

Once you were all out of the vans and Brenda had calmed Jorge, one of them finally spoke. You didn’t like the situation. You were extremely outnumbered, outgunned, and out of place. You didn’t understand what they wanted with you and your friends. But you had prepared yourself for a fight.

“We’re all on the same side here.” His voice was muffled from the mask.

“Who the hell are you?” Thomas asked angrily. You reached out for his hand, lacing his fingers through his and pulling him back to you. “You okay?” He asked you quickly, the tension in his body melting into a soft concern. A look that he only gave you.

“Just stay close to me, please.” You whispered and he squeezed your hand in reassurance. Once his eyes left you, his body tensed slightly.

The boy removed the mask, revealing a vaguely familiar face that Thomas seemed to know. He let go of your hand and punched the boy in the face. He knocked the boy to the ground, climbing on top of him. Once the guns were drawn, you and Newt jumped in to stop it.

“Hey, hey, hey!” You said quickly as Newt grabbed his hand. You knelt by Newt’s side, reaching around him to put a hand on Thomas’ chest. “Stop! Stop it, alright?”

“He killed Chuck.” Thomas shook his head slightly. You paused and inched back. You stood and lifted your hands in surrender.

“Y/N?” Newt asked quickly, as if you were crazy for backing off.

“I’m not getting involved in this one.” You refused to interfere anymore.

“Look, I know.” Newt told Thomas, trying to console him. “I remember. I was there too, all right? But I also remember that he was stung and half out of his mind.”

“Thomas.” You said gently, knowing that beating the boy wouldn’t change anything. “This won’t help… It won’t bring him back.”

Thomas pushed himself up angrily and came to stand with you. You took his hand gently and ran your other hand up and down his arm.

“Kind of had that coming.” The boy nodded. “Anyone else? Fry? Newt?”

“Wait, who are you?” You said, raising one hand to get his attention. “Hi, I’m Y/N, head of Group B. I assume you have a name if these dumbasses know and don’t particularly like you?”

“Gally.” He nodded. “So you’re the other one WICKED wants more than anything..”

“How?” Newt interjected. “How is this possible? We watched you die.”

“No, you left me to die.” Gally corrected.”And if we hadn’t found you when we did, you’d be dead right now. What the hell are you doing here?”

“Minho.” Newt said simply.

“WICKED has him. We want him back.” You added. “Plus, I gotta kill Janson and he has to kill Ava.”

“We’re looking for a way in.” Newt continued.

“I might be able to help with that. Follow me.” Gally nodded.

Thomas hesitated in following him. You could read the expression on his face. He wasn’t sure if he could trust Gally. He was pissed that Gally was alive and Chuck wasn’t. Just Gally’s presence made his blood boil, but having you beside him calmed him enough to focus. He just had to get in, get Minho, and get out. But he couldn’t do it.

“I’m not going anywhere with you.” Thomas said firmly.

“Suit yourself.” Gally shrugged. “But I can get you through those walls.”

“T..” You tried. “It’s not about us. It’s about Minho.”

You convinced him to follow Gally. He led you all through the halls of wherever you all were, explaining what happened after the boys last saw him. But you didn’t care. You zoned out what he was saying, scanning your surroundings. It was a small community, people living away from the watchful WICKED eyes. There were clothes lines strung across the gaps, wet clothes hanging out to dry. 

“And try not to stare.” Gally finished before taking everyone to Lawrence. You didn’t care to listen again, wandering around the room. You heard the man muttering the same phrase, not registering what he was actually saying. One of Gally’s sentences brought you and your attention over to that conversation.

“But it doesn’t work without Thomas and Y/N.” Gally had said.

“I heard my name.” You said as you joined the group. Thomas slung an arm around your shoulders. “What are we talking about?”

“Do you kids know what I am?” Lawrence asked, leaning in to speak. You bit back the urge to say the obvious answer. “I’m a businessman. Which means that I don’t take unnecessary risks. Why should I trust you?”

“Cause we can help you.” Thomas answered coolly. “You see, you get us through those walls, we can get you what you need.”

“And what is it that you think I need?” Lawrence was hooked.

“Time.” You said simply. “Every… last… drop.” You punctuated.

“Is that what I need?” He played along.

“WICKED has what we both want.” Thomas continued. 

“I’ll tell you what.” Lawrence decided. “Three can go for now. The rest stay here with me… Just a little assurance that you’ll find your way back.” You glanced over your shoulder to see your friends, and they looked between each other with uncertainty in their eyes. “Do we have a deal?”

Thomas shook the man’s hand and before you knew it, you were staring down a seemingly infinite manhole. It was decided that you, Newt, and Thomas would go in. Fry, Brenda, and Jorge would stay behind. You had noticed Newt’s hands were shaking as he tightened his boot laces. Thomas was already half way down the ladder, so you knew he didn’t see. You had put it off as nerves. The closer you got to the city, the more you felt your nerves as well. You didn’t think you had to mention it to Thomas.

You didn’t say much as you wandered through the tunnels. It smelled like rotten eggs and old milk. You were all wading through four inches of thick, grimy sewer water. None of the boys had much to say either.

Your mind was preoccupied with worry. Worry about Thomas. Worry about Minho. Worry about Fry and Brenda and Jorge. You were worried for Aris and Sonya and Harriet. And Newt. You were more worried about Newt than you had been before.

You had been inputting notes into his subject file, after watching him in the Maze. That’s when you saw which box was checked. Newt wasn’t immune.

You realized why you were so worried. It could be the Flare. You didn’t want to have to hurt Newt, didn’t want to even think about killing him. You knew that Crank symptoms could be kept at bay with whatever it is within your blood that makes you all so special. You saw that it worked on Brenda, so it was definitely a viable option. Maybe you could help Newt… But that was a discussion that had a time and a place. And it wasn’t that moment.

You entered the city after an obscene amount of walking. A female voice over the P.A. system announced that curfew was approaching. The mobs of people moved like herds, no one deviating too far from the rest. But the three of you stood in awe. The bright lights, the bustling streets. It was like nothing you could remember.

Gally got the three of you off the streets, telling you to pretend you’ve seen it before. WICKED patrol cars roamed the streets, the sirens echoing off the towering buildings. Gally said it was probably because of you three that security was upped. He hurried you all off the main streets and into an old parking structure from which you could see WICKED’s main building.

“How do we get in then?” You asked.

“I might have a way in.” Gally nodded.

“Wait, you might?” Thomas asked in annoyance.

“We left our friends back there with that creep and snuck into this God forsaken city for you to tell us you might have a way into that building?” You scoffed. “If I had known that, I would’ve figured it out myself.”

“Relax, Y/N.” Newt tried.

“Don’t tell me to relax.” You shook your head quickly. “WICKED has our friend and now we’re this close. I swear I’m going to lose my mind.” You laughed out of stress, clasping your hands behind your neck.

“Just take a look.” Gally sighed, stepping aside for Thomas to look through the small telescope. You didn’t know what he was looking at and you didn’t quite care. The only thing that was running through your brain was a way in. Not just for Minho, but for Newt too.

You had to get in, get as much of whatever serum WICKED had, and get out. You knew it’d have to be a solo mission. If Thomas knew what was happening with Newt, it’d be too much for him. He’d try to save them both and most likely run out of time. So you had to find an opportunity to slip away and do it yourself.

“I said I had a way in.” Gally explained as Thomas leaned away. “I didn’t say you were gonna like it.”

“It’s Teresa… Isn’t it?” You sighed heavily. When no one responded, you knew you were right. “Son of a bitch..”

Later that night, you were out of the city and back with your friends. While Thomas and Gally were arguing about how to get into the building, you were distracted by Newt. You could see he wasn’t paying attention, his mind racing. Inside, he was panicking. He wanted to talk to someone about what was happening, but he didn’t know what to say. So you started the conversation instead.

You nudged his arm and tilted your head, motioning for him to follow. Once you were out of earshot of everyone else, you spoke. He was already annoyed with you before you opened your mouth.

“What’s up with you?” You said plainly, hoping that your suspicions were wrong. Deep down, you knew you were right.

“Nothing.” He said quickly. “Just don’t like the situation we’re in.”

“No..” You shook your head. “It’s more than that.”

“What- What do you want me to say, hmm?” He snapped. “That I’m losing my bloody mind and I can’t say anything about it? That- That I can’t think straight for more than a few minutes? That I hate what’s going on and I can’t help but need someone to blame?”

“You can blame me… If it makes it any easier.” You offered. “I’m the one that invited you to come with us.”

He scoffed. “Always the martyr, aren’t you?”

“Do you remember when were younger?” You tried a new approach, knowing not to take any of his words to heart. “We were training at WICKED and I was talking about how there had to be something more than where we were.”

“What about it?”

“That’s still true, Newt.” You took a hesitant step closer. “It’s not just about saving Minho anymore, not for me. It’s about you too. When we get in that building, I’m not going with you two to get Minho. I have to get my hands on whatever serum WICKED has.”

“It’s suicide.” He laughed.

“Maybe.” You agreed. “But you’ve been my best friend since we met and I told you that whatever was out there, that better place, we were going to get there. And I’m gonna make sure that happens.”

“Tommy’ll never let you go by yourself.” He argued.

“Well, I just won’t tell him then.” You shrugged.

“You can’t save everyone.”

“How about this?” You said, using a tactic you remembered using on him when you were younger. “We’ll flip a coin. Heads I go, tails I stay.”

“You have a coin?” He chuckled, seeming to remember the usual interaction.

“Yeah., right here.” You pulled an imaginary coin out of your pocket. You pretended to flip it high, catch it, and flip it over onto the back of your hand. You revealed the empty space and grinned. “Looks like heads.”

“You’re impossible.” He sighed, a slight smile tugging his lips.

“There’s gotta be another way..” You heard Thomas say, leaving the floor open for discussion.

“What’s wrong? Worried she’s gonna get hurt?” Newt commented, brushing past you to Thomas. When Thomas was silent, Newt pushed the envelope. “This has never been just about Minho, has it? Cause now we have an opportunity to get him back and you don’t want to because of her? She betrayed us, Thomas. And you’re hesitating because of Teresa?”

“Newt, it’s-” Thomas tried to counter.

“Don’t lie to me!” Newt yelled. You flinched, the sudden volume of his voice taking you by surprise. Newt slammed Thomas into the wall behind him by his shirtfront, the whole room going silent. You saw Newt realize what he was doing, slowly backing off and apologizing. So much for keeping it under wraps.

You and Thomas found Newt sitting on the roof later. You two approached him carefully, wondering if he was still pissed or if he had cooled down. Newt apologized again for what had happened, rolling up his sleeve to show you two his now darkened veins. Seeing that made it hurt more than it did just moments ago. You knew Thomas was formulating a plan to help him, but yours was already set. And you were going to help your best friend, even if it killed you.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Thomas asked, the small question all he could think to say.

“Didn’t think it’d make much of a difference.” Newt replied simply. He continued to say that he had to have been in the Maze for a reason, if even just as a way to tell the difference between the Immunes and regular people.

“We can still fix this.” Thomas reassured.

Newt looked to you, asking you to tell Thomas about your plan. You shook your head subtly, hoping he’d understand that you couldn’t tell Thomas. “This isn’t about me.” Newt said. “This is about Minho. If there is even the slightest chance that we can save him- that we can get him out of there- that’s what we need to do. No matter what the cost.”

“Okay..” Thomas agreed sadly. Both of the boys looked to you so you simply nodded with a small, sad smile. Keeping your plan secret from Thomas was hard. It felt wrong. But you knew it was the only way you’d be able to get it done. For the moment, you had to get into that building before you could do anything.

A few nights later, it was time to go. It took a couple days to fully map out, but you had a plan. You went in at night. You and Thomas weaved through the crowd until you found Teresa. You two waited across the street from her until she noticed. You saw her lock eyes with you two, surprise evident on her features. Once a bus gave you cover, you began to walk away.

“Think it’ll work?” You asked as you two began walking your designated route.

“It has to.” Thomas replied simply.

After a bit of walking, you heard her calling your names. You smirked slightly, glancing up to see the same look on his face. You both peaked over your shoulder and saw her picking up her pace to try and catch you two. You wondered how she could be so naive and maybe even desperate, but thanked the universe that she was. You two ducked around a pillar until she finally caught up.

“Thomas.” She breathed, almost in relief. “Y/N.”

“Hey, Teresa.” Thomas said softly.

“Hi, Reese.” You smiled gently, remembering the nickname you had for her before she fully devoted herself to WICKED.

“You shouldn’t be here.” She said, almost desperately. “If Janson finds out you’re here…”

“We’re not staying.” You shook your head.

“I just.. I had to see you.” Thomas breathed, stepping away from you to close the distance between him and her. You bit back the urge to fight, the urge to pull him back and knock Teresa on her ass. You had a role to play, people to save. Your mild jealousy could be saved for later. “I have to ask you something… Do you regret it?”

“Do you regret what you did to us?” You asked in a small voice.

“Sometimes.” She said after a moment of thought. “But I did what I thought was right.”

The urge to start a brawl with Teresa was never more prevalent than in that moment. You wondered how turning against friends felt right. How could harvesting kids like plants be right?

“I’d do it again.” Teresa added.

“Good.” Thomas nodded before a sack was placed over Teresa’s head and she was led away.

Later that night, Teresa stood trial in front of you and your friends. Gally was there too, but he wasn’t exactly a friend. Teresa’s eyes kept falling to Thomas when she spoke so Gally took his chair and sat right in front of her to block her line of sight.

“Don’t look at him.” Gally instructed. “Why are you looking at him? Look at me. He’s not gonna help you.”

You soon learned that there were 28 other kids being held with Minho. Coincidentally, they were all on Sublevel Three, which was an area that you felt you should recognize. She said that you’d need a thumbprint ID to get into the level.

“That’s why you’re gonna come with us.” Thomas said firmly.

“Well, I don’t know.” Gally added. “We don’t necessarily need her, right? Not all of her. We just need her finger.” Gally said, standing to grab a knife.

“I like him.” You nodded, hopping up from your chair to take the blade. “Let me do it.”

“Back off, Gally.” Thomas said.

“Why?” Gally questioned.

“I guarantee she’s done a lot worse to Minho.” You rolled your eyes.

“That’s not the plan.” He said with finality, his attention now on you. “Back off.”

In an effort to save her ass, Teresa said that it didn’t matter what you did to her. You all wouldn’t be able to get through the front door because the sensors would pick up on your tags. Thomas told her that she was going to help you remove them. You and Thomas waited until last to ensure that she didn’t “accidentally” hurt one of the boys.

“Try to relax. This is gonna sting.” She explained to Thomas. You sat on your knees between his legs, your arms crossed over his lap as you leaned your chin on them.

“Let’s just get this over with.” Thomas said quickly.

He winced once she began cutting. You sat up straight and held his hands. His grip on your hands was tight, a small groan leaving his lips. You shifted up on your knees to be eye level with him, leaning in to catch his lips in a gentle embrace.  He hummed against your lips, leaning into you slightly. You chuckled as you felt his hands loosen the grip slightly, his body relaxing.

“Wasn’t too bad, was it?” You teased when you pulled away, your lips close enough to brush his as you spoke.

“Hmm.” He hummed. “Thanks to you.”

“Want me to kiss it better?” You joked.

“If you’re offering.” He smiled, catching your lips in a sweet kiss.

“Y/N, your turn.” Teresa said tightly. Jealousy dripping off her words.

“Green isn’t really your color, Reese.” You mocked as you and Thomas traded places. 

While Teresa worked on you, she asked about Brenda. Thomas gave her short answers, most of his focus was on you. He laced his fingers through yours, holding your thigh with the other hand. You gripped his hand tight when she broke the skin, refusing to give her the satisfaction of any noise. You bit your lower lip and shut your eyes tight, trying to focus on Thomas’ presence.

“You don’t believe me?” She exclaimed when you and Thomas walked away from her. She said Brenda should’ve turned, that it wasn’t possible she’d be okay.

“Why should we?” You turned on her quickly.”You really expect us to? You made your choice, Teresa. I made mine. It’s not my fault we’re on different sides.”

Gally led Teresa away while you went to Thomas, who was getting ready beside Brenda.

“You can’t save everyone.” She told him gently.

“You’re right. He can’t.” You agreed as you came to his side, purposefully placing yourself between the two. “But that’s why I’m here with him.”

“Just be careful.” She sighed and walked away.

“What was that?” Thomas smirked, putting a hand on your hip and pulling you gently towards him.

“She likes you, T.” You said with raised brows. “You seriously didn’t notice?”

“No, I did.” He nodded before giving you a quick kiss. “But I like this other girl, so doesn’t matter to me.”

“And who is this other girl, hmm?” You played along, tugging on the front of his jacket.

“You might not know her. Her name is Y/N.”

“Doesn’t ring a bell.” You shook your head. He broke into a laugh and so did you. “Be careful tonight, alright? Don’t do anything stupid.”

“Well, I always was the smarter one between the two of us.” Thomas winked.

“Prove it then.” You smiled widely. “I’ll see you after.”

Once you were inside the building with Thomas as the psuedo-guard leading you and Teresa, you met with Newt and headed down a stairwell. Gally did whatever he had to do and Thomas kept watch.

“I’ll be back.” You mumbled to Newt, holding your hand out for the walkie.

“You’re gonna get yourself killed.” Newt replied, pressing the walkie into your palm.

“Then at least I’ll die knowing I did all I could.” You smiled sadly. “I’m gonna head to the Medical Wing. It has to have more of what we need. Whatever is in that vault, it’s mass produced. Temporary fixes. We need something permanent.”

“Be careful. Don’t die.” Newt shook his head, to which you simply winked and took off running.

You made your way through the building, your feet knowing the path more than your brain did. Just as you were approaching the door to the Med Wing, you heard Teresa and the boys approaching. Soon after, Janson and WICKED guards had you surrounded.

“Shoot her.” Janson urged Thomas, who had his gin pressed against Teresa’s head.

“Fuck it. I’ll shoot her.” You groaned, moving to pull your gun.

Before you could do anything, Teresa shoved the three of you back and locked you in. She gave you all a look that said she knew what she was doing. And even if you didn’t trust her, she did just help you. The boys searched for Minho, Thomas nagging you about leaving him behind. 

Janson found you all soon enough so you shoved Thomas away, telling him to find Minho. He was hesitant to leave you, but you simply told him you had a promise to keep. And while you still planned on killing Janson, you had to save Newt first. Newt dragged him away, getting him to refocus on finding their friend. The only indication that anything was happening was the noise, the grunts and groans and gunshots were the only indicators that they were still alive and fighting.

Next thing you knew, you heard glass shatter and three shouts that faded out.

“Those dumbasses jumped.” You commented as you continued to weave through the Med Wing. “If they didn’t survive that jump, I’m gonna kill him.”

The guards were so distracted by Brenda taking the bus and the boys jumping that they didn’t notice you slip into the lab where Teresa was quickly working.

“Does he know you have that?” You asked, your voice causing her to jump. You raised your gun slowly as you stepped closer. “Thomas.. Does he know you kept the gauze?”

“Y/N, you don’t understand.” She tried to reason.

“I understand perfectly fine.” You countered with a dry chuckle. “You stole it because you want to know what makes Thomas so special.”

“His blood could be the cure.” She insisted. “Don’t you want that? For Newt?”

“You don’t get to talk about him.” You said, using the end of your gun to emphasis. You paused for a moment, weighing your options. “WICKED wanted me and Thomas more than anything. Ava did everything she could to keep me in the Compound and out of the Maze… Why?”

“Your blood could have the same potency that his does.” She said in realization. “Let me run some tests. I can protect you. I- I might be able to manufacture a cure. You can save him.”

“If I agree to do this, you don’t tell Janson I stayed behind.” You specified. “You don’t tell anyone I stayed to do this. You make one dose, enough to save Newt and that’s it.”

“What? No!” She exclaimed. “If your blood can save people, you can save the world.”

“I don’t care about the world!” You shouted, pushing the barrel of your handgun towards her. “Maybe it’s selfish, but I only care about my friends. Which is more than I can say about you. The world has gone to shit and it’s because of WICKED. You make one dose for Newt and I kill Janson. Then you never see us or speak of me or the boys ever again. Am I understood?”

“Fine.” She finally agreed.

You sighed, kicking the air slightly before sitting down in front of her. You shed your jacket and pushed your sleeve up, slamming your arm on the table. “Take what you need, I guess.”

It felt like the tests took hours. You knew Thomas was waiting for you. You prayed to whatever God would listen that he was getting Newt somewhere safe. You prayed you still had time. Teresa finally managed to strip your blood down to the enzymes they were looking for and put it into a compatible solution that the human body wouldn’t reject. You looked over at all the materials she had left, stained with your blood and “the potential to save the world” as Teresa called it.

You saw it as ammo that WICKED could use to control everything. You gathered the materials and tossed them in a small, empty waste bin. You pulled out a small matchbook from your pocket and lit a flame. Teresa tried to stop you, but you set fire to the bloodied items before she could.

“What did you do?” She whispered.

“I said one dose.” You shrugged, hurrying to leave and find the boys.

“Newt. Thomas. Come in.” You said into the walkie and you jumped over railings and down stairs. “I need your location.”

“We’re about four blocks out.” Thomas yelled quickly. “Where the hell are you?”

“How’s Newt?” You ignored his question, ducking behind a building to hide from a guard.

“He’s not doing too good. He can’t walk on his own and his eyes are turning black. Where are you?” He pressed.

“I’m on my way.” You said simply, tucking the walkie into your pocket and sprinting.

You finally made it to the boys but you weren’t prepared for what you saw. As you approached them, you heard Teresa over the P.A. asking for Thomas to come back. She tried to use Newt as incentive, saying that he could save him. When you got the boys, Newt and Thomas were locked in a fight.

You saw an opportunity and you took it. Newt had Thomas pinned, pressing the tip of a knife against his chest. You ran, dropping your shoulder to knock Newt to the ground. You quickly climbed on top of him, pinning him down with your weight. You held the cap to the needle between your teeth so you could expose the needle. Newt groaned beneath you, inhumane growls and screams sounded from his throat.

“You’re gonna thank me for this in a minute.” You mumbled before spitting out the cap and shoving the needle into his shoulder. You pressed on the plunger, sending the liquid through his system. You watched as the symptoms faded away and your friend came back to you. It took a minute or two, but the Newt you knew was coming back to focus. 

“What the bloody hell is going on?” He mumbled and you sighed in relief. You climbed off him and sat beside him, laughing slightly in relief. His eyes were still mainly black, the whites slowly exposing themselves. 

“I just saved your ass is what.” You said, looking around to find Thomas. “Where’s…”

“He went after Ava.” Brenda explained. You didn’t know when she got beside you but you trusted her word. You quickly pushed yourself up and broke into a sprint. On your way to WICKED’s headquarters, you passed Ava’s dead body. You headed back to the Med Wing, figuring that’s where they would be. The grunts and thuds echoing across the empty halls told you that you were right.

When you found them, Thomas was throwing punches at Janson. Thomas was winning until Janson pulled a gun on him. You quickly pulled yours and shot his hand, sending the gun flying. You ran to help Thomas up while Janson screamed out in pain. But once you, Thomas, and Teresa got safe distance between you all and Janson, you realized Thomas had been shot.

You quickly moved to straddle Thoams after he collapsed, using your jacket to try to stop the bleeding.

“You gotta go.” Thomas whispered weakly.

“Not without you.” You felt the tears welling in your eyes. “I love you.” Your voice broke.

“I love you too.” He caressed your face gently, you leaning into his touch.

“I’m not leaving.” You shook your head quickly, pressing your lips together and trying to keep your tears back.

Janson soon found you guys but focused on Teresa. He wanted the cure from her. He didn’t care what happened to you two. Teresa offered Janson the cure in exchange for yours and Thomas’ safety. Janson spoke ill of Thomas, yelling questions for him to answer.

“You might not have been able to shoot her, but I can.” Janson yelled.

You turned and saw Janson had Teresa at gun point. Thomas reached over and squeezed your hand slightly and you knew what he was asking you to do.

“Only cause it’s you asking and you can’t do it yourself.” You grumbled, using one hand to keep pressure on his wound and the other to pull your gun. You shot at Janson, the bullet whizzing past his head and breaking the glass where two Cranks were held.

You and Teresa helped Thomas get to the roof. The flames of the building burned hot, the ashes making the air hard to breathe. Thomas collapsed to the floor, taking you down with him.

“I’m sorry.” Teresa said as she knelt beside you two. “I never wanted him to get hurt.”

“Please don’t leave me. You said to Thomas, leaning your forehead against his.

“I don’t have a choice, baby.” He whispered, tilting his head up to kiss you. You held his face in your hands, never wanting to let him go.

You knew it was suicide to go to WICKED. You knew you would probably die. But you didn’t plan on dying like that. You had figured you’d get shot or WICKED would torment you till your heart finally gave out. You didn’t know which one you preferred.

“I love you, Tommy.” You cried when he pulled away. “I need you.”

“It’s okay.” He nodded. “It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not!” You whined. “I- I need you. I can’t lose you. I don’t want to live without you.”

Before Thomas could answer, Jorge showed up to rescue you. You definitely owed them now. You and Teresa got Thomas to his feet first, before you even thought about worrying about yourself. The building rumbled, your footing faltered. Thomas reached to help you, but Teresa stood him up straight and kissed him.

You pushed yourself to your feet as Teresa pushed Thomas back and into Vince’s arms. You swung a fist and connected with her jaw. “Don’t kiss my boyfriend.” You panted, turning your attention to Thomas.

You yelled for them to check his stomach for the gunshot wound, but Thomas wouldn’t let anyone touch him. He was more worried about whether or not you would make it.

“Why did you help us?” You asked, your curiosity causing to freeze.

“I didn’t want to be on different sides.” She shrugged before shoving you roughly, probably rougher than she needed to.

Your back hit the hard ground of the Berg ramp and four strong hands dragged you away from the edge. You looked up and saw Newt on one side and Minho on the other. You lifted your head to look and saw the building collapsing, Teresa falling with it. Your heart sank.

Teresa had been one of the few people you knew, one of the few people that knew you. You hated her for her choice to turn you all in, but she helped you save Thomas. She helped you save Newt. You owed all of your future happiness to her.

Your body gave into your exhaustion once Jorge piloted you away from the collapsing city. Vince was on the Berg too, and he tended to a now unconscious Thomas. You leaned against Newt, who was sitting next to you, and let yourself give in to sleep. It didn’t even register that he was okay.

The next time you opened your eyes, you were in a tent with Thomas in what seemed like Paradise.

#thomas #thomas tmr #beaconfalls IW #thomas maze runner #thomas tst #thomas tdc #maze runner fic #thomas fic #tommy month #tomuary #i know its late #leave me alone #IW3 #dylan obrien

[amwritingmeta]

15x05: How to Fight God

Proverbs 17:3 --> The crucible for silver, the furnace for gold, but the Lord tests the heart.

This proverb really gets to me when looking at it in the light of 15x05, but also when looking at how it relates itself to the series as a whole, because our boys are going through nothing short of a trial by fire, their whole world and sense of self is beginning to take flame and that sounds poetic af, but it’s also so fucking poignant that I can’t even. 

Because isn’t this what their whole journey has been? And what it’s been about, too, meaning that the trial by fire serves an actual purpose, the get rid of the impurities (if you will) while the actual trial isn’t by fire, but lies truly in the aftermath, in the lessons and the learning curve: the heart stuff.

That aside, of course, applied to 15x05 it’s quite literally God testing their hearts - and what they’re really made of - by throwing them a proper curve ball in Lilith, not to mention this revealing the fact that he’s still a presence. 

We open on Sam, who’s checking his phone to see if Cas has finally replied to all the concerned texts Sam has sent him (my heart leaped I loved it so much!) (of course Sam wouldn’t not reach out) (and amazing that Cas literally decided then and there to walk out the door and he just removed himself entirely) (also - poor Sam!) (he lost a friend!!) and Cas hasn’t gotten back to him.

Buuuut!

Cut to the end of the episode and Sam is just hanging up from having an actual conversation with Cas. Sorry, this was me remembering this entirely wrong and not double-checking - it went straight to voicemail and is clearly stated as doing so, pls, ignore my ignorance!

There’s still a nice, subtle bookend here, and it still underscores the change we get from the opening scene to the closing: the brothers both believing they’re back to business as usual (with the difference of how now they’re actually holding the reins) vs. realising God isn’t gone and that the status quo is not something they can fall back on here.

Speaking of the status quo, the way things have always been, the saving people, hunting things, family business side to the brothers’ lives that is, as far as they’re concerned, the cornerstone of their identities... yeah, let’s speak of that for a bit, because if we look at the episode I believe the status quo, or perhaps the repeat patterns, is/are actually the answer to the question Dean finishes the episode with: 

How do we fight God?

So then.

How To Fight God

This is basically speculation based in my meta reading of the episode so pinches of salt, loves, but it’s intriguing to me to think about what the rules of this world actually are, because this is GOD the CREATOR, right? Yeah.

How can you, the puppet, defeat your puppet master when your puppet master determines which of your strings are pulled at any given moment? 

Well, firstly, I’m stuck on the exchange between Dean and Cas from 15x02:

Cas: You don’t think I’m angry? After what Chuck did? After what he took from me? He killed Jack. But that doesn’t mean it was all a lie. [...] Even if we didn’t know that all of the challenges that we face were born of Chuck’s machinations, how would we describe it all? We’d call it life, because that’s precisely what life is. It’s an obstacle course. And maybe Chuck designed the obstacles, but we ran our own race, we made our own moves, and mostly we did well with that. Dean: Did we? I’ll tell you what we do know - nothing about our lives is real. Everything that we’ve lost, everything that we are, is because of Chuck. So maybe you can stick your head back in the sand, maybe you can pretend that we actually had a choice... I can’t. Cas: Dean. You asked what about all this is real -- we are.

I mean technically Dean didn’t ask anything, he stated that nothing about their lives is real but alright I get that you want to break through, Cas, because this is Cas trying to make Dean understand that not everything has been pre-determined by Chuck.

If free will didn’t exist at all in the narrative, then there would be no room for any kind of stakes, emotional or otherwise. 

If it didn’t come down to what choices each situation brought about and the lessons derived from the consequences of those choices, then the meaning of the character journeys would be completely nullified. 

And these rules of the world we’re watching are most clearly demonstrated to us in the S14 season finale, when Dean makes that epic choice of not shooting Jack, effectively ripping up Chuck’s perfect ending and forcing him to go all mental deity on a power trip on all of their asses. 

So Cas is clearly right in the above exchange, but Dean can’t hear it, and because Dean just refuses to listen, Cas sees no other choice but to leave in 15x03. Because all Cas can see is how Dean refuses to let go of old patterns of thinking, old hang ups and fears, and how Dean finds refuge in blaming an external source rather than gaining perspective, accepting his own level of responsibility (in any situation) and moving forward. 

I’m very curious about the prayer and what level of exposition it will entail. Imagine it being an actual callback to the confession scene in S11, where the exposition of Dean’s internal struggles with his longing for more is so beautifully balanced. Anyway, digression.

What I’m getting at is that choices seem to play an enormous part here, and of course they should, because that’s one of the most prominent thematic threads the writers can pull on. 

Our choices make us who we are. 

It’s not what you are, but what you do. 

No one can tell you who you are, you choose who to be.

And along these, all the times we’ve heard I didn’t have a choice. Often this has been true, when put in a situation that is about not only saving each other, but the world itself as well, but then those world-saving situations wouldn’t really have been brought about if Dean, that first time Sam died, hadn’t made the choice (echoing Mary) to sell his soul to save him, and, of course, none of the choices would’ve been necessary if Mary had let John die, but we know the world that would’ve brought about, so thank...... fate for bad choices.

Perhaps it’s time for good ones.

How do you fight God?

I think you fight him by breaking old patterns, and the only way you can break them is by recognising them for what they are and truly, definitively, moving out of them and into new ones. 

Chuck represents the writer not keeping up with their own character’s progression, right? He’s not seeing what this world he’s created has actually become, without his influence. All he sees is what he wants it to be, rather than all that it is, and he believes in his own control to the extent of not adjusting the obstacles he’s throwing at the boys to their ever evolving view of themselves and what they want for themselves. 

Which is why the plot point of Dean being seduced by Lilith wasn’t even hinted at until she stated, in dialogue, that apparently it wasn’t happening. Thanks to Dean’s progression away from who he was way back when, yeah? Not exactly the same, are you, Dean? 

And which is why I believe the moment when Sam says-->

--> is quite possibly crucial, because Sam can see the pattern, he knows the grooves of it so well that he immediately feels something is off when they’re just handed the solution on a platter, and this hunch proves right, because they know how Chuck’s story works, innately, they’ve lived it for over a decade. 

If they can catch up with this fact, if they can begin to use it to their advantage, that would be very cool. If they begin to go against their old mode of being, if they try to think outside of their own box (as it were), then not only is that a viable way of beating Chuck at his own game, it sets the stage for their final leg of character progression rather beautifully. 

Because it forces them to grow wholly self-aware, to question their choices and weigh the pros and cons. Realisation City. 

And how gorgeous then to have the setup be that to survive and have a healthy sense of control over their own lives, they must evolve away from their old ideas and ideals. *fingers crossed*

And then there’s Chuck as representative of the over-arching shadow, representative of all those things that the boys have battled throughout their journey, and if integration is the goal, then Chuck shouldn’t really be reaped by Billie, should he? I mean, him being reaped by a representative of strong, assertive femininity works on a symbolic level as well, but integration could mean that he simply has his power stripped. 

I’d quite like that, to be honest. The way to fight God is to stop worshipping him, stop believing in what he represents, stop allowing his obstacles to be real obstacles and simply move out of the narrative he’s been telling and into a new one, where his chosen ending makes absolutely no sense. And if Jack returns there may be a player with enough power to actually tell God that his time as ruler of this particular universe is done, because they will fight him, now that they see him for what he truly is. Every step of the way. 

Alright, lots of speculation here, but the thought of the brothers’ progression actually playing a role in how they can defeat Chuck makes me get all goosebump-y! 

The werewolf brothers acted as a Chuck tool of foreshadowing for his chosen ending: one brother killing the other, but there’s a deeper psychological symbology in the werewolf brothers’ story, where one brother’s control and deceit made the other see no other choice but to kill him and then himself, because they were the same. 

So looking at them as representative of the codependency, it’s actually the aspect of control and self-deceit that has to die, in both Sam and Dean, for the codependency to finally break. Sam leading the way (as per the water bottle scene at the start of the episode) and freeing them both in his process of breaking away from Dean. 

And when Lilith says that she had to die in order to get what she wanted, it could be seen as a statement of that same symbolic subtext, and how the brothers’ progression is moving them away from who they have always been, into who they truly are and want to be: they have to kill off their past ideas and ideals, and embrace the truth of this if they’re going to be victorious in this fight.

We shall see, my loves! We shall see!

I’d be remiss if I didn’t say this, though, to a writer who has given us so much:

Thank you, Steve Yockey.

For everything.

#<3 #spn meta #spn 15x05 #character progression #dean winchester #sam winchester #codependency #breaking the codependency #symbology #chuck #how to fight god

[curioussubjects]

Non-jittery Thoughts on 15.01

Alright, had some time too calm the hell down, so I could have thoughts beyond a keysmash and a crying emoji. Chances are, too, that I’ll have more to say once I sit down with the episode again. Had to get these initial reactions/musings out of the way first.

This episode did a bang up job setting up the personal plot points for tfw. I’m super excited to see where this is going: Dean’s hell trauma revisited, Sam’s wound and its connection to his own darkness, Cas still struggling with belonging, Dean and Cas’s continuous wrongfootedness coming to a head. It’s going to be a killer of a season emotionally, and I am Here. For. It. 

Full disclosure: the biggest chunk is destiel related. In my defense, Dabb & co. didn’t have to enable me, but here we are.

More thoughts under the cut. 

General Thoughts:

My hype was not squashed! We got a really strong season opener and I’m so happy about it. Sure, we got running ghosts. But overall the episode was incredible; just a solid SPN episode all around. A+ job and kudos to all involved ♥♥♥

The new title card is gorgeous and full of meta potential goodness. See this post for more on that; op hit it on the head I think. For additional analysis, there’s this post from different op that is killer.

Opening sequence with tfw fighting zombie ghosts and running for shelter? Amazing. Showstopping. Breathtaking. 

Dean’s grief over Jack that’s embroiled in his grief for Mary. Just. “He was our kid.” That’s some complicated shit right there. 

Gotta love all the tidbits hinting at what is to come during 15.a, at the very least, if not the larger goal of the season. Reading y’all’s thoughts on the episode has been great so far, and I can’t wait to see what else crops up this week.

                                                              //

On Sam: Currently, Sam’s role in the more interesting aspects of the plot continue to not quite match Dean’s, which has been a problem for a while. I’m seriously hoping that changes some with Eileen’s return, Rowena coming in with some banter maybe next week, and whatever weird curse Sam got with that bullet wound. I’m loving the potential and I’m loving the prospect of having Sam brought back to the center of the plot. I missed some more emotional involvement from him this episode, too, but that should be addressed once things calm down and Sam and Dean can debrief. However, we got peak Sam in a crisis and it’s always a treat to see him do his job. Bless. Him telling the clown to shut up made my night. I love him so much. 

                                                               //

On Belphegor: First off, Alex did such a fantastic job. I giggled a ridiculous amount. Instantly invested in the character as bringer of shenanigans. Was not disappointed. Quick deliciously meta tidbits about Belphegor, some of which may not feature in the show, but are still *chef’s kiss* (x):

Moabite deity responsible for fertility and sexual power (in case the ep wasn’t clear on that lmao)

was worshiped in the form of a phallus (so glad that made it to canon jfc)

is a fallen angel??? hello???

he’s the demonic embodiment of sloth, BUT specifically negligence and apathy (i am screaming isnt negligence the whole ordeal with dean and cas atm...and apathy was the problem with jack’s soulessness) 

rules misogyny and licentious men (yeah ok no wonder he was a fan of younger dean oof)

the juiciest: emerged from hell to investigate marriage among humans (and is conveniently in the peanut gallery of dean and cas’s fight. funny how that happens. hilarious, even.) 

apparently after living as a man to experience sexual pleasure he was appalled and fled back to hell where sex between men and women wasn’t a thing i’m??? what?? (yet in the show he seemed ok with hot dudes ayy)

I’m glad my “horny on main” observation turned out to be so on point jesus. Can’t help but wonder how long he’s gonna stick around. His outside perspective is amusing, at the very least. However, the fact that he barely interacted with Sam, but was a lot interested in Dean as well as Cas (though to a lesser extent) makes me think that he’s doing more than just deus exing them out of zombies and ghosts or offering hell exposition. Seems like he going to expose SOME OTHER STUFF. ABOUT DEAN (AND CAS?). He is the “Lord of Opening” after all. And isn’t using their words and being honest the thing we’re all waiting for wrt to DeanCas?? There’s some opening up that is necessary posthaste. Listen, I know I’ve been saying they need a marriage counselor, but this is not what I had in mind. Pretty on brand, though, I guess lol

I’m also really interested about the coding work the character is doing in continuing to queer Dean’s characterization. Belphegor being himself associated with (male) sexuality, and the show clearly focusing on his attraction to humans of the man variety. I wouldn’t even call it subtextual at this point as Belphegor’s interaction with Dean in the car to was really overt. My hopes that the show might actually be explicit about Dean’s bisexuality is uhhhh getting high again *confetti.* Should also maybe at least note that using a demon to do this is probs not like the best strategy, but at least said demon was 1. not skeevy and 2. mostly sympathetic to the audience. 

This is all assuming, ofc, that Belphegor is not catfishing tfw (there’s precedence, after all -- and kudos to anon and op for the timely observations). 

                                                                  //

On Dean & Cas: I think it’s really damn telling that so much space was given to their relationship as like the most important thing going on with their characters? Obviously they have individual issues to deal with (their own struggles with Chuck, revisiting Dean’s stint in hell....which btw also eventually involves Cas too so *hands*), but my sweet baby jesus the validation feels good. Onwards. 

We actually have a weird amount to unpack here because, as others have said, the tension between them is coming from more than just Mary and Jack -- though Mary and Jack are absolutely the main stressors atm as well as emblematic of problems they’ve had for a long long time.  

I’m gonna start with Dean because boy do I love that dumbass; I want to shake him. So we have Dean: he’s grieving Mary, he’s angry, he’s scared, he’s lashing out. It’s a Thursday. We know he’s angry with Cas because he blames him for Mary’s death, even if indirectly. You know what that reminds me of? Dean hating Jack for causing Cas’s death, even though it wasn’t directly Jack’s fault. More importantly, though, both the loss of Mary and the loss of Cas were caused by the same catalyst: Cas going off on his own to solve a problem instead of asking Dean (and Sam, but really, mostly Dean) for help. Like, it’s the one thing Dean has very clearly expressed that Cas needs to stop doing (hi 12x19). It’s the same mistake Cas has been making for years. There was a false sense of security there during seasons 13 and most of 14, but alas. Again, here we have Dean losing someone because Cas couldn’t just come ask him for help. Like. It makes sense, and it’s understandable, despite Dean’s coping mechanisms being shit. In short, Dean’s actual problem with Cas is less that Mary is dead and more that Cas refuses to learn his lesson wrt them being stronger as a unit rather than doing their own thing and putting themselves and others in unnecessary danger. 

Meanwhile, we have a continuation of Cas just being really sad and heartbroken because not only is Jack dead, but he’s once again unsure about his standing with Dean. He wants to protect his family, he wants to protect Dean, he wants to come back with a win; once more, he goes off on his own to do it and it blows up in his face somehow. As much as I loved Cas getting mad at the end of last season, I get why he’s somewhat subdued again. He has his guilt and grief and doubt to deal with. He doesn’t want to be mad at Dean probably about as much as he doesn’t want Dean to be mad at him. So far I’m not yet seeing the return of the spark we got when Cas was defending Jack last season, but I’m sure Dean walking out rattled him beyond the hurt. I wanna see what else happens to make him leave “in a huff” (a bit of spec on this further down). That said, what I’m most excited about is seeing how Cas gets reintegrated into the family -- pretty sure that’s universal lol.

The juiciest part now, though: I was all about the interplay of distance and care that we saw between them; let’s pause here for a quick sec to appreciate how that same interplay has been such a central part of Dean and Cas’s relationship since always like ugh. So much of the larger plot points in the show have also been situations that kept them from being truly partners as well as being constant interruptions on their ability to USE THEIR FRIGGIN’ WORDS AAAACK. We give Sam a lot of flack, but everything has awful timing in this show. We’ve had moments of honesty and vulnerability, but they’re always always cut short before we actually get somewhere; before they arrive at a place where they can talk about their issues. If the “are you ok” scene isn’t a perfect microcosm of that idk what is  /sigh

So, yeah, the “Are you ok” scene oooh boy. I wasn’t as excited as some of you at this scene being an example that Dean still cared, as that was never a doubt I had in my mind (it was definitely a yes omg just talk jesus moments nevertheless). Dean couldn’t possibly just turn that shit off, no matter how much he thinks he’s done with Cas. Like, please.  What we do have is Dean indulging on his own need to know that Cas is, at least, immediately fine. Triage, if you will. Him walking off before Cas can either elaborate, or, most likely, tell him about Sam, is peak Dean passive-aggressiveness. The meltdown I had in the tags of a gifset of the scene is still relevant:

 #cas's little sigh of idk relief???#like he's so sad and physically fine but he's SO SAD and heartbroken#and here's dean finally not just being cold to him and ASKING ABOUT HIS WELLBEING#look at cas's face in tht second gif my heart#you can see him gd relax too i cant#and dean has his fucking check in during a break in the chaos face#im so mad#jdhakjsdfhklsd#and then dean just.........walks away and doesnt actually debrief or help or none of the things he would do#and cas is just...there all vulnerable and upset right before he clams up at the demon's quip#but it doesnt even last look at his damn face as he leaves IM SO#somebody hug him#skldjfhklsajdfa#he needs a dean hug#but noooo dean is being a jackass#this is awful#im not ok#i hate it when they fight#im over it that's enough drama dabb i take back everything i said about loving pain

I’ll definitely have more thoughts on this once we have whatever emotional payload next week.

All in all, I’m not actually concerned about the future of their relationship. They’ve been through much, they’ll be fine. I am, though, tickled that we’ll see these key problems in their relationship reach a point where they have to be dealt with. Also: I can’t wait for the catharsis that Cas leaving is bound to elicit. Both for us, the viewers, and the characters. Besides, Dean needs to go to a corner and have a think about his behavior and if pushing Cas away is really what he wants. And then maybe finally we can get that sweet sweet resolution of an affirmation about Cas’s place in Dean’s life. And in turn an affirmation that Cas does trust their family unit enough to depend on them. 

I think we got a good set up in this episode leading into whatever drama we get in the coming weeks. The tension was up to 11. Love it. Hate it. Personally, I think the empty deal might be what does sets off Cas walking out. Somehow, the deal is not a secret anymore. We have here another instance of Cas making a super important decision that affects The Family on his own and then keeping it a secret (to protect Sam and Dean, a pattern). Dean can be angry and think Cas is dead to him all he wants, he will blow tf up when he learns about this deal. Sam isn’t gonna be thrilled either, though he’s more likely to make puppy eyes of sadness and Disappointment than yell at Cas. Seriously, though, I can just see Dean saying some bullshit because he’s just so done and here goes Cas potentially dying again, which in turn will probably piss Cas off. Etc etc. Cue the violins. 

                                                               //

tl;dr: if episode 1 is any indication, we’re in for a wild fucking ride, kiddos. hold onto your butts!!! 

#supernatural #spn #destiel #deancas #spn spoilers #spn15 #spn meta #my stuff #ok thoughts still a little jittery #but my brain is so hyped i needed to let these go into the ether #before i could sit down and write any sort of coherent argument #gosh i do love this show so much

[brittywritesstuff]

your heart is all i own

2.3k

Kind of canon-divergent 

Warnings:  Swearing, implied sex, and Dean’s a stubborn asshole

Read on AO3

It takes time, adjusting to the Happily Ever After. It’s not as easy as they make it seem in the movies. There’s a sweeping profession of love, a big, heroic gesture, the Big Finale Kiss… and then what? Then, you’re left with adjusting to this sudden shift in your relationship. The newness of it. The publicity of it. That’s the hardest part, for Dean. For someone who’s been so deeply guarded and masked his whole life, peeling that away and showing everyone his heart isn’t as easy as he’d like.

Waking to Cas in his bed is, undoubtedly, the best thing that’s ever happened to him in his whole miserable existence. Forty goddamn years of misery and pain, and Dean finally has what he wants. In quiet, private moments, he doesn’t hold himself back. He kisses Cas like there won’t be a tomorrow. He worships Cas — every inch of him. Like Dean was man stranded in a desert, Cas is an oasis quenching a longstanding thirst.

It’s the moments that aren’t so private where Dean finds the most trouble; the times he’s confronted with the most contentious part of his relationship.

“So, the waitress gave me a name and a general neighborhood, but no address.” Sam turns his collar up against the chill in the wind as he joins Dean and Cas, leaning back against the Impala. “Figured it won’t be too hard to track this guy down.”

Dean glances at Cas and nods, stuffing his hands in his pockets before Cas has the chance to reach for them. He nods politely to a couple passing by, stepping through the diner doors just behind Sam. “Okay. So, you and Cas see what you can find on the guy, I’ll check out the crime scene and hit up the coroner, and we’ll meet back at the motel?”

Sam nods in agreement, and Dean looks to Cas for approval. “Alright,” he says, and leans in.

Dean leans away, avoiding the obvious attempt at a goodbye kiss and claps Cas on the shoulder. “Call if you need anything,” he says, pushing past him. “See ya.” He slides into the driver’s seat and barely waits for Cas to push off the car before he backs out of the parking lot. He doesn’t bother looking back, because he knows he’s left Cas looking confused and bewildered, and Sam looking on with pity.

He almost asks himself why he’s like this. And then he remembers John.

It’s dark by the time Dean swings the Impala into a parking space at the motel. He take a deep breath and snatched the six-pack from the passenger seat before flinging the door open and trudging inside. He finds Cas at the table, flipping through a book, and Sam stretched out on one of the beds, poking at his laptop keys.

“Find anything good?”

Sam barely looks up, and shakes his head. “Not really. A few possible leads, but this is turning into one of those ‘could be anything’ cases.”

“Great,” Dean grunts, shrugging off his jacket. He sets the beer on the table and runs his hand over Cas’s shoulder and kisses the angel’s head before loosening his tie. “Same for me, really. Body is mutilated, so I was thinking werewolf, but the timing ain’t right.” He doesn’t notice the way Cas is watching him curiously as he rambles on.

Dean’s wrong, and they wipe out the werewolf culprit two days later. They make the thirteen-hour haul back to the bunker in one push, all of them exhausted and ready to be home in the comfort of their own beds.

~

Dean’s never really sure why he attempts a stop at the Walmart on a Saturday morning. It’s always packed, and he’s always irritated.

Sam elected to take Eileen to breakfast, leaving Cas and Dean to handle the grocery run on their own. Not that Dean minds spending any amount of time with Cas. It’s nice, just the two of them.

He’s standing in the coffee-and-tea aisle, weighing the options of two different brands when Cas leans in close and presses his hand to Dean’s back gently, between the shoulder blades. It shifts downward, and Dean quickly steps away, his movements jittery and completely without grace, chucking both bags of coffee in the cart. “Saw a sale on chips. I’m gonna go check those out,” he announces, and leaves Cas with the cart and a whole lot of hurt.

~

Dean puts the groceries away as quickly as possible, and pushes Cas against the fridge in a heated kiss, palming his hip through the faded jeans that fit him a little too well. “I’ve wanted to do this all day,” he murmurs, diving in for another kiss.

All thought goes out the window when his fingers slip beneath Dean’s shirt. “I need a shower. Come with me,” Dean breathes as they part. He grins deviously and takes Cas’s hand, leading him to the bathroom, and takes his time worshiping Cas beneath the cascade of hot water.

~

“I’m confused about something, Dean.” Cas closes the door and moves toward the bed, shedding his t-shirt as he goes. Dean knows this is about to be an in-depth discussion, but shirtless Cas proves to be a distraction no matter the subject.

“Okay.” Dean clears his throat, settling back against his headboard. “What’s up?”

Cas sits down on the bed, and the mattress dips beneath his weight. “You and I are… together, are we not? A ‘couple’?” He uses air quotes.

Dean leans forward, draping an arm over his bent knee. “‘Course, Cas. Why?”

Cas seems to consider it a moment, like he’s rearranging the Scrabble squares to find the right words. “I’ve spent a great deal of time around humans over the years. And, admittedly, my experience with being a ‘couple’ is limited, I feel like there are preconceived notions I’m not able to shake.”

“Okay…” Dean draws the word out slowly, his brow drawing together. “Cas, what is it, man?”

“It’s been my understanding - from culture and observation - that couples show each other affection.”

“Yeah. And?”

“You don’t.”

“The hell’s that supposed to mean? ‘Course I do, Cas. I kiss you all the time. I hug you all the damn time. If you haven’t noticed, most of the time, I can’t get enough of you.”

“But only when we’re alone.”

Dean knows he should control his temper. He knows this is brand-new territory for both of them — if not more so for Cas. The guy has forsaken his own kind for Dean time and time again. All of this, Dean knows, is a sacrifice for Cas. And he’s thankful. He really is. But, he’s Dean and Dean doesn’t react well when confronted about feelings. “Sorry, I’m not interested in fucking you in public,” he snaps. He regrets it immediately, but the floodgates are already open. The filter’s been deactivated.

“Dean,” Cas says, calm as ever. He tilts his head and sighs. “You know that’s not what I mean. I mean… it seems like you’re ashamed of this. Of us.”

Dean narrows his eyes and pushes off the bed. He’s pacing, scrubbing a hand over his face. “So you’re pissed because, what? I don’t hold your hand in public? Throw myself at you? In case you missed the memo, Cas, we’re both dudes.”

He sees it then, the heat in Cas’s eyes. Dean’s struck a nerve. “So you’d prefer if my vessel were female?”

With a huff, Dean’s eyes widen. “You’re kidding me, right? That’s not what I’m saying. I’m just saying, situations like you and me ain’t that common and it’s not all that welcome sometimes.”

Cas is quiet for a moment, and he nods slowly. “So, I was right.” He stands and grabs his shirt as he heads for the door. “You’re ashamed of what we are.”

“No, Cas. C’mon, I—“ He doesn’t get to finish his thought before the door closes, and Dean’s left alone with the argument on repeat and the weight of his self-loathing bearing down on him yet again.

The one person who’s stood beside him through everything is an Angel who saw fit to lay siege to Hell and rescue him. An Angel who’s chosen him over and over again, put him above all else; above Heaven itself. An Angel who, before Dean, knew nothing of love but knew he loved Dean. And this is how Dean repays him.

Sinking to the bed with his head in his hands, Dean heaves a heavy breath and swallows hard. “What the fuck is wrong with me?”

He spends the night alone with little sleep. The sun rises, and with it dawns the realization that if Dean doesn’t figure his shit out and change his ways, he could lose Cas for good. Not to peril or death. But to a choice — one that, Dean knows — will hurt worse than death.

~

“We should go out tonight,” Dean announces over breakfast a week later. Cas, Sam, and Eileen stare at him in surprise before exchanging confused looks. Dean sighs, pushing on. “It’s been a hectic few weeks for all of us, y’know? I just,” He glances at Cas and swallows, “I just thought we could all use a night off.” He wants a night with Cas, to make it up to him. A little liquid courage, and everything will be right as rain. He hopes. “C’mon.”

He’s spent the better part of this past week doing everything in his power to gain back Cas’s good graces. Cas, to his credit, is outwardly taking it in stride. But Dean wakes each morning to an empty bed, and each morning, he’s faced with his own glaring stupidity.

Sam mentioned the tension only once, and when met with Dean’s angry response, he says nothing on the subject again.

To Dean’s outburst, Sam sighs and Eileen nods. “A good idea,” she says, signing to Sam.

“Yeah, why not,” Sam says, shrugging.

Dean smiles and looks to Cas. He nudges him gently. “Whaddya say, Cas?”

Cas nods quietly. “I’d like that.”

“Awesome. There’s a bar over in Smith Center I’ve been wanting to check out. Sound good?” When they’re all in agreement, Dean knocks back the last of his coffee and grins happily. “Awesome.”

~

The place is packed when the foursome step through the door. It’s not the dive bar they’re used to — it’s upscale; a little hipster for their taste, maybe. A change is a good thing, Dean thinks. They could all use something out of the ordinary.

They snag a standing table in the corner, and Dean heads for the bar to grab a round of beers for them — and a couple shots of whiskey for himself. Acoustic guitar fills the air above the chatter, and Dean thinks maybe he can get used to this. It’s not filthy and they’re not here to hustle anyone. He can’t remember the last time they enjoyed a night out without an ulterior motive.

An emcee — a young guy with a massive beard and a man bun — ushers the performer offstage and takes the mic. “Welcome any newcomers to Zeppelin and Wharf. Tonight, as you can see, is acoustic open mic, and we’ve got a decent roster. Sign ups are at the bar if anyone’s interested. Uhhh, Okay. Next up, we have, uh…” The guy stops to squint at his paper. “Dean Winchester. We got a Dean anywhere?”

Dean’s face flushes immediately, and Sam and Cas turn to stare at him, both open-mouthed and shocked. Eileen, not having heard most of what the emcee said, looks rightfully confused. Sam quickly explains, and she, too, turns to stare at Dean.

Clearing his throat, Dean slips from his stool and heads for the stage, taking the guitar offered by the previous performer. He tunes it quickly and approaches the mic. His heart is hammering in his chest, and he's certain everyone in the room can hear it. “Cas,” he says. Looking up, he meets Cas’s eyes through the crowd, and Dean sighs. He doesn't know what more to say, so instead of trying, he pushes on and does what he came here to do.

He strums out the opening chords, and draws in a deep breath. “I found a love for me. Darling just dive right in. And follow my lead..."

His eyes remain fixed on Cas's, and it's like the whole world falls away.

“Well I found a guy, beautiful and sweet. I never knew you were the someone waiting for me. 'Cause we were so scared when we fell in love. Not knowing what it was. I will not give you up this time. But darling, just kiss me slow, your heart is all I own. And in your eyes you're holding mine.

“Baby, I'm dancing in the dark with you between my arms. Barefoot on the grass, listening to my favorite song.

“When you said you weren’t enough, I whispered underneath my breath, but you heard it, darling, you are perfect to me.

“Well I found an angel, stronger than anyone I know. He shares my dreams, I hope that someday I'll share a home.

“I found a love, to carry more than just my secrets. To carry love, to care for children of our own. We are still scared, but we're so in love. Fighting against all odds. I know we'll be alright this time.

“Darling, just hold my hand. Be my guy, I'll be your man. I see my future in your eyes. Baby, I'm dancing in the dark, with you between my arms. Barefoot on the grass, listening to my favorite song.

“When you came back to me, looking so beautiful, I don't deserve this, darling, you are perfect to me.

“Baby, I'm dancing in the dark, with you between my arms. Barefoot on the grass, listening to my favorite song.

“I have faith in what I see. Now I know I have met an angel in person. And he’s so perfect. I don't deserve this. You are perfect to me.”

Dean strums the final notes and hands off the guitar, his eyes set on Cas’s. He steps off the stage and pushes his way through the crowd. His hands reach Cas before he does, and they cradle his face, pulling him in for a deep, passion-filled kiss. The bar patrons, watching in fascination, clap and cheer for them, though no one’s really sure why.

When they part, they rest their foreheads together, and Dean takes a deep breath. “I love you, Cas. And I’m a fucking idiot for not wanting to show everyone. I’m sorry. I was a dumbass.”

Cas laughs softly, pulling Dean in closer. “I prefer misguided,” he says, and his elated grin matches Dean’s. “Less dumb. Less ass.”

The song Dean sings is "Perfect" by Ed Sheeran, with the lyrics slightly modified to fit these two. 

#destiel #destiel fanfic #deancas #deancas fanfic #angst and fluff #destiel angst #destiel fluff #deancas fluff #deancas angst #song fic #dean sings #dean winchester sings #dean is an asshole #but he learns his lesson #john winchester's a+ parenting #dean loves cas #cas loves dean #dean x castiel #cas in the bunker #otp: i need you #otp: mornin' sunshine #otp: a more profound bond #otp: profound bond #eileen lives #in all my fics because she's amazing and i love her #background saileen #My writing #britty writes stuff

[sonofthecarver]

doin this trend for most of the main pcp deities i work with so heres my patron, The Carver

General Questions:

1. What is the name of the entity and what is their canon universe? 

The Carver, The King of The Infernous, Emperor Hash'bor'kanibal

The Arkn Mythos 

2. What drew you to this entity? What drew you to their world?

I was introduced to the Arknverse through my partner and I felt a strong pull to him. 

The series is one of my favourites, and, although it took me a while, I eventually csme to him and asked if I could worship him. 

3. Did you choose them or did they tap you? How?

A bit of both, as I felt a pull to worship him, and I wanted to myself either way. 

4. How do you typically communicate? 

I communicate with him through his designated oracle deck, or through what he likes to call "vibes". 

He radiates a very distinct energy for me, so I can feel his emotions and opinions on my choices. 

5. What role does this entity play in their universe?

Ooh, he plays the role of a chaotic grim reaper, in my opinion. 

He has no true side, he works for himself and his own amusement. 

6. What kind of relationship do you have with this entity?

He is my patron deity, and he has lovingly dubbed me his son.

7. What aspects does this entity reside over?

He is the Dekn Lord of Pain, Torment, Suffering, Torture, Cheese, and sometimes Lettuce, The King of the Infernous, the Arkn Lord of Power and Truths, and The Joy of Fear

8. What kinds of offerings do you/would you give this entity?

He's not picky, but he likes cheese, tobacco, booze (specifically whiskey or vodka), spicy foods, weed, knives, and bones.

Non physical offerings include smoking or drinking in his honor, inflicting pain, and drawing blood.

9. What kinds of animals, stones, elements, plants, etc do you associate with this entity? Why?

His symbols are knives, sickles, devil motifs, skulls, cigarettes, blood, crowns, his devil mask, cleavers, guns, and the Dekn Symbol. 

His sacred animals are predators, and his element is fire. 

He likes any darkly colored stones, especially red calcite and bloodstone.

10. Are there any songs, books, or quotes you associate with this entity? Why?

He enjoys Ghost and a lot of more folksy type of songs like "The Devil Wears a Suit and Tie" and "In Hell I'll Be In Good Company".

11. How and when did you first encounter them as an entity? 

I don't exactly remember, but I'd have to say the first time I properly felt his presence in my room was when I was sick, and he was floating above my bed where I was whining to my boyfriend.

He was teasing me about not being able to handle sickness, but he seemed genuinely concerned about me.

12. How are they particularly involved in your life? Do they teach you anything specific? If so, what?

He's decided he's my father, so he's pretty involved, he hangs around me a lot. 

Not really anything specific, more just tellinge when I fuck up or little bits of life advice. 

13. Do they have any identifying symbols in canon or otherwise?

His sickle, his crown, and his mask are the three I can think of. 

14. Do they have alternate versions, verses, or canons? Do you communicate with all or some of them?

I'm sure there are, but I don't speak to them. 

Compare & Contrast:

15. Choose an aleady-existing deity from our world that has similar traits to this entity. How are they similar, and how are they different?

My immediate comparsion is Ares. 

They're both associated with violence, and have shown affection for certain mortals that are good at just that. 

The difference is that Carver is much more interested in the one on one intimacy of inflicting pain on one with your own hands, while Ares is a war god, which id the broader type of violence. 

16. Choose 6 tropes this entity may or does fall under. Explain if you agree or disagree, and why. 

Alas, Poor Villain - Absolutely. He's put through some shit that a regular viewer of the series has trouble watching. I know he's considered a villain, yet every time he gets hurt it hurts me. 

The Chessmaster - He succeeded in an eons long plan to trick a literal god, and he always seems to have every piece in his corner in the games he plays. 

Fallen Angel - Within certain Arkn stories, he is considered a once-great Arkn who was corrupted and defected to the Dekn side. 

Laughably Evil - He's absolutely fucking hilarious. 

Body Horror - I've only seen his true form a few times but holy FUCK is it terrifying. 

Heroic Sacrifice - I'm going to say it now, him letting his body be destroyed to create the new universe wasn't done in heroics. 

17. What academic studies or professions do you associate with this entity, and would you study any of them yourself? Why or why not?

Anything with death, history, or psychology.

I would, but he's a been pushing me to persue something I would genuinely enjoy, lile tattooing or computer programming. 

18. What is something surprising you have learned about this entity when working with them? Why was it surprising?

He's honestly so nice if you're nice to him, which was a little surprising because he's very much not a nice guy.

He's extremely protective of his worshippers/children: I had an issue with Ellpagg (an arkn entity) coming after me for a good while, and Ellpagg finally backed off after Carver beat him into the ground and said he'd chuck him in the Infernous again if he ever tried to lay a finger on me. 

(I was in the middle of a math class while watching that happen lmao) 

19. Is there a common misconception about this entity? What parts are true, and what parts are wrong?

That he's evil and only ever seeks to harm people. 

Evil? Yeah basically I can't argue that away he's done some pretty henious shit. 

But if you respect him and his power he won't bother you.

If you taunt him or disrespect him it will not end well for you.

Especially if you try to hurt him. 

Gods help you if you're one of the people stupid enough to try and hex or curse him.

20. Has some aspect of your life, energy, emotion, or other changed since meeting the entity? What would it be like if you hadn’t?

I've gotten better at standing up to people and defending my loved ones (at the downside of my anger issues getting worse). 

I've accepted my anger and rage much better now, and my energy has become more offensive because of his influence. 

People tend to think that his protection his a negative or bad thing when they first sense something touched by him. 

Self & Shadow

21. What are things this deity is capable of helping you with, personally? How?

He helps accept anger, rage, and violent urges as a natural thing not to be ashamed of. 

He'll teach you how to stand up for yourself properly, and when to not take any shit from stupid people.

22. Has this entity ever refused something to you? If so, what and why?

I mean, he probably has but fuck me if I remember what. 

23. What do you want to learn from this entity? Why?

Everything he has to teach me. 

He doesn't exactly sit me down like it's a fucking school lesson, its a more in the moment teaching style. 

24. Is there an end-goal with this entity, or do you plan on continuing a relationship with them?

He's my patron, he's stuck with me until I die. 

25. Have you ever disagreed with this entity? Why or why not?

Oh, all the time. 

Usually he's right, and if I don't agree with him he just let's me do it my way and then when i fuck it up he smacks the back of my head and says "see, dumbass, i told you so."

26. What does working with this entity reveal about you?

That I'm a raging bitch and if you fuck with me or my loved ones I'm not afraid to fuck up your whole life? 

27. What do you think you should cultivate about yourself to better work with this entity? Why?

Should probably stop being so stubborn but that's not gonna happen, he likes the banter. 

Also need to work on my godphone smh. 

28. Do you have any fears or anxieties about working with this entity? Why?

Nope. Not a single one. I'm not afraid of him and he's made it clear I have no reason to feae anything that could come after me because of him. 

29. What about this entity’s canon has impacted you the most? Why?

Just, the philosophy of it all. 

30. What UPG/Headcanon do you have about this entity? Why?

This man likes FNAF songs. 

I am dead fucking serious. 

31. Choose 3 major differences between their world and this one. Do these differences affect how you interact? 

Too tired to do this fully but no, it doesnt affect how we interact. 

He understands me and why I do the shit I do and I understand him and why he does the shit he does. 

(stolen from @highpriestness )

[carrioncrowned-blog]

The Ghosts in the Garden

a @hannibalcreative #ForBothOfUs collab with @electrarhodes 

Read on AO3

The first time Hannibal notices something amiss it's all to do with his favourite baby-blue and passion-flower striped shirt. When he wears it Will always looks at him as though he might be god. And then usually proceeds to follow the look up with some quite decent worship.

 “Will? Have you seen the belle-blue pinstripe?”

 “Laundry”

 “I've looked there. There's no sign”

 Hannibal comes into the kitchen and looks over to where Will is sitting grumbling over the most recent speculation from TattleCrime.

 “Will? The belle-blue?”

 Will looks up at him,

 “Did you send another recipe to Freddie, Hannibal? We talked about this. I thought we'd agreed?”

 “Will? The shirt?”

 Will pays slightly better attention, Hannibal standing in the kitchen dressed except for his shirt. It's an appealing sight.

 “I still don't know. Sorry. Want me to help you find another? You know? In the bedroom?”

 He grins and at first Hannibal is still too distracted to really register the dropped timbre of Will’s voice and careful survey.

 “I'm supposed to be in the City in forty minutes. I can find a shirt. I just wondered… oh. In the bedroom? That's… thank you Will. Your assistance would be much appreciated”

 Will slides off the kitchen bar stool.

 “That's the fourth thing this month you’ve mislaid”

 Hannibal frowns. It's true. He pauses just for a moment, what was that? Was that? Laughter?

“It's good Hannibal. Really. It's. Good”

 “But not excellent?”

Will sighs. Of all the things he might have guessed of course it's his cooking that Hannibal gets just the tiniest bit insecure about.

 That cute little tum? Not a blip. The silver glints in his hair? Nuh uh. The murder and mayhem across three continents and the rabid chase after them? Nada. Even the fact that Will sort of, ok, did actually, chuck them off a cliff? Once past the recuperation, and the deep and meaningful conversations, and the resumption of certain, ahem, intimacies, not a people sausage! But even the teeniest hint of anything other than total praise and adulation about breakfast, lunch and supper and everything in between? Well for goodness sake you'd think the world had ended.

Hannibal watches Will’s face as he takes another mouthful.

 “It's just a little, I'm not sure, salty maybe?”

 “Salty?”

 ��Yeah. Briney. Not just because it’s sea food. Sorry. It's very good though. Really. And the vegetables are perfect”

 He wishes he hadn't said a word as soon as he's opened his mouth as the plate is whisked away from him, mournfully he manages,

 “I was enjoying that”

 Hannibal takes a mouthful from Will’s plate and promptly rushes to the sink and spits it out.

 “That's appalling. You can't eat that! I'll make something else. I don't think even the vegetables can be saved”

Will watches rather wistfully as Hannibal scrapes his lunch into the compost caddy. Sighs. Resigns himself to a wait, although if it's an omelette that's ok. Hannibal makes great omelettes on the fly and if he's pissed he whisks extra hard and they're all frothy and light. And usually this translates into other frothy and light things later on!

 Hannibal though considers, what on earth is going on? He didn't oversalt it. He's still pathologically careful about what he puts in his body. He hears, yes, for sure this time. A little laugh. Tinkly. And then another giggle, slightly deeper.

  In the garden Will stretches out on a blanket on the lawn and enjoys the sun’s warmth across his chest and arms. Perfect. Glass of lemonade. Cloudless blue sky. Small plate of nibbles. The sound of Hannibal humming to himself as he tends to some bit of the garden.

He notes a slight change in the tempo and mood of whatever it is that Hannibal is humming. Not so much cheerful G major and more miserable as sin B minor.

“Hannibal?”

Hannibal doesn't answer at first, so Will, a little reluctantly, drags himself up. And follows the sound of the now definitely mournful dirge.

“Hannibal? What is it? Did the deer get in the root vegetables again? Or is it the rabbits? I could trap a few if you like? They won't hop fast.. oh, what's that?”

 “I think someone has been in the garden”

 “Yeah. I think you're right? What is that?”

 “It's some sort of vegetable. Well. Installation? Maybe?”

 The two men regard the display. A human figure set before them on one of the garden benches like one of Hannibal's elaborate murder tableau, but this one made entirely from fresh vegetables.

 “What's that eggplant doing? Is that meant to be?”

 “I think it is. Will. I hate to ask. This isn't an elaborate, and may I say very pretty, piece of your work is it?”

 Will puts his head to one side,

 “Well, so you think that maybe I got up in the night came out here and picked veg for an hour or two and made them into a murder veggie bestie in the garden for you to find? Sorry Hannibal. Not my design”

 “Someone's though?”

 They look at each other then. Definite laughter.

 “Did you hear that? Or am I hallucinating this time around?”

 “Unless it's the whole folie a deux thing? I heard it too”

 Hannibal looks around and ventures,

 “Hello? Are you listening?…”

 On the wind there's just the faintest whisper,

 “Oooh. It's the man on the phone…”

 And then an answering laugh.

Back indoors in the kitchen Will and Hannibal look at each other.

 “I think I was in the sun too long.”

 “I think it was something we ate last night”

 “I really don't think..”

 “Nor do I. It can't be”

 “She did come with me to Sicily”

 “You didn't say so before!”

 “I thought I was hallucinating her. You know. After..”

 Hannibal nods. Whilst there might be a certain amount of scar aftercare and nuzzling and other related activity, they don't usually directly discuss the events of the evening it occurred. Painful for both of them. Albeit in different ways.

 “Why now though?”

 “Maybe? Maybe she just misses us? I mean. It's been a while. Perhaps she got lonely? Wanted people to talk to? Hang out with?”

 “She's not alone though?”

 “The other laugh?

 “Indeed.”

 “I've got an idea about that.”

 “Oh?”

 “Yeah. Oh.” He sighs, yeah, he has an idea. “I'll see if I can talk to them later”

 “Really? You rather than me? Do you think it's possibly someone I know?”

 “I think so. I think they're messing with you more than me. So. Maybe. Well. I'll ask. I've a good idea”

Later, the same evening, Will sits out in the garden on the bench where the murder veggie bestie had been displayed. He takes a slow drink of his glass of wine. He'd never really been a fan but slowly, slowly, Hannibal is converting him. He smiles down into the golden green depths. A cool green drink for the end of a cool green day. Thinks of all the things that Hannibal is converting him to, over time.

 “Hello ladies”

 “Hello Will”

 It's still a whisper. But it's there. And it's real.

 “How you doing then?”

 “Alright thanks”

 “The shirt was a nice touch. You know it's his favourite”

 There's a small snicker,

 “He thinks it's his ‘pulling shirt’”

 “I'm sure he does”

 “He doesn't really need it does he?”

 Will sighs, oh these two, they know him so well. Even after all this time. Especially after all this time. After all, he always could ‘see’, even if he has to have seen them alive before he can ever see them dead.

 “Maybe lay off the grub though? That would have been a really nice meal”

 Abigail giggles,

 “But the food is the most fun to mess with!”

 “I understand”

 He pauses,

 “I liked the murder vegetable man. I thought he'd get it straight away. What with the slicing and all. Actually that eggplant was good in parmigiana, so, thanks for that. And by the way I can hear you pouting”

 Bev sighs,

 “Damn. You ate his eggplant. Will that is some fucked us metaphor right there!”

 “I know. It's true. But you know how it is, right?”

 Both the women smile and nod, if he doesn't look directly at them he can just make out their ghostly shapes shimmering in the late evening daylight. What's left of it, and left of them.

 “Still keeping out of the bedroom?”

 “We did agree. Though the wardrobe is still fair game? Is that ok?”

 Will smiles, they've got good ground rules. And really, these two keep all the others away. A sassy comment from Bev, a baleful look from Abigail? No one wants to risk it. Only Franklyn had tried. Grabby even in death. Fair enough. Probably. Will has a little shudder. Cheese folk indeed. For once he'd actually sympathised with Hannibal. Yeah. That's should have told him something right off.

 “The wardrobe is all fair game. Hey. Did I mention it? There's an especially hairy green tie which Hannibal loves. Any chance of a little accident?”

 “The one with the egg yolk weave? Because even I wouldn't be seen in it, and I'm dead already!”

“That's it. So. Maybe?”

“Sure Will. We're still here for you”

“Not everything on his terms then?”

“Dead right”

  THERE WE ARE! @electrarhodes was a champ and delivered this gorgeous little fic to me extremely quickly, it just took me a while until I had the time to sit down and work on my part because I decided to do three collabs almost two days into a three day event oops. This was extremely fun though, I hope we get a longer collab event next time around! 

#ForBothOfUs #Hannibal #Hannigram #murder husbands #fanart #fanfic #Will Graham #Hannibal Lecter #Beverly Katz #Abigail Hobbs #ghosts #mystery #traditional art #watercolor #my art #collab #electrarhodes

[wanderingxrivers]

This really isn't a guide or Bible study per say. This is more for me to keep track of my notes and crowdsource answers for questions I have along the way.

Starting w/the Book of John and then working my way through the NT and winding my way around to the OT.

This is the first 5 chapters of John that I have done so far. As I read more and collect more notes, I will add them in further posts.

The Book of John

1:1 The Declaration of the Mystery of the Triune God (I think) and that God, in all Their faces, is the source of all things in the ‘verse.

1:5 Why does darkness not comprehend light?

1:9 God = The Source of All Wisdom

1:10-11 This makes no sense. Why does the world not know Him? Even His own do not know Him, why?

1:14 How can God’s Glory be seen in Christ when v10 and 11 state the world does not know Him?

1:18-34 The theme of God as Christ not being known by the world including the Prophets continues. How can a prophet not recognize God in all Their Forms? It feels like an ep of Scooby Doo where no one knows who the person behind the monster is until the mask is yanked off.

1:50 I feel like Jesus is being sassy af to Nathaniel here like he was only a few feet away and looked over at him just chillin’ under the fig tree.

2:4 Jesus addressing His mother as “woman” just bugs me. Did He always address her this way? Was it common for sons to address their mothers this way?

2:5 Instead of taking umbrage at her son’s apparent disrespect, Mary appears to just brush it off and directs the servants to obey Jesus’ commands, whatever they may be. Is He normally this rude?

2:6-12 He transfigures the water meant for purification into wine but it’s not just some two buck chuck, it’s some absolutely fine ass wine. (foreshadowing the wine of communion?)

2:15 This is absolutely premeditated. Braiding a scourge takes time and patience to do. He had to be well and truly pissed off by the business of buying sacrifices and money changing taking place in the temple.

2:24-25 Jesus appears to be saying that all humans are shysters and are untrustworthy even w/good intentions.

3:3-8 If I am grasping this correctly, Jesus is indicating that one must experience a physical baptism as a representation of the spiritual rebirth one has as a believer as well as a spiritual baptism.

3:17-21 Again, *if* I am grasping this correctly, the judgement of God is predetermined for those who do not believe in God, no matter their reasoning as they are assumed to love darkness as opposed to God represented by the light vs dark dichotomy with the darkness assumed to be evil.

3:28-30 The imagery of a bridal party is used here to illustrate the relationship between, John, Jesus, and the Church. John refers to himself as essentially the best man with Jesus being the bridegroom and the Church as the bride with John stating that he is happy to take a lesser position as the best man as opposed to being the groom.

3:31-32. I have not the faintest what is being said here. This makes no sense to me.

4:7-15 Jesus is conversing with a Samaritan woman and illustrating the difference between the ordinary well water and it’s life giving properties and the message that Jesus brings and its properties of giving eternal life to those who believe. He is comparing the mortal life vs the eternal life. The woman requests the “living water” in an apparently misunderstanding of the comparisons He is making.

4:16-26 Jesus ascertains that the woman is an a polyamorous relationship without her advising as such. She calls him a prophet at which point He states that He is the Messiah about whom the prophecies speak.

4:31-38 I am unsure I understand what is being said here. I need clarity

5:14 Why does Jesus say “that nothing worse may happen to you” after telling the man that He healed to no longer sin? Is this a threat of some kind?

5:17 IDK what Jesus means here.

5: 19-27 I *think* Jesus is saying that He is working under the limitation of God the Father as He can only do what God the Father allows him to do whether that is raising the dead, passing judgement, etc. I also think that He is stating that God the Father is allowing(?) Him to step into a more central role and that His words will lay the foundation for the path to eternal life.

5:28-29 It looks like Jesus is saying those who did good regardless of who they believed in will be resurrected to heaven and those who did ill will be hell bound, regardless of who they believed in.

5:30 Is Jesus saying that He is  bound by God’s will for judgement and can exercise no discretion of His own?

5:31-33 This feels a bit murky for me. It seems like Jesus is saying that his word can’t be trusted on his own and that it can only be trusted if it can corroborated by John and that he knows that John’s corroborating testimony is true.

5:34-36 Wait, what? He states “I do not accept testimony from a human being, but I say this that you may be saved.” Then he states that his testimony is greater than John’s but like 3 verses back, he said his word can’t be trusted on its own. Which is it?

5:37-40 Is this harkening back to Jesus talking about not being known even though he is coming on behalf of God?

5:41 He says that He doesn’t accept human praise so is this a repudiation of worship of Him?

5:42-46 This is a scolding of those around Him who do not appear to believe in Him based on His words and deeds. He adv that the Prophet, Moses, will act as judge to those who do not believe in Jesus as the Messiah as He states that Moses wrote about Him.

#wanderingxrivers reads the bible #book of john #the bible #all the notes #if you can help me grok something #help is appreciated

[bluejackshitnobody]

How to Tell When You Are Worshiping the DevilCHUCK DEAN·WEDNESDAY, MARCH 21, 2018   Jesus spoke. Many years later, someone thought to write those words down. This is not about questioning the accuracy of those who did the recording, nor the validity of the argument. This is about understanding the meaning behind the message.   There is a logic to follow. This is to be expected. If you believe a hands-on God created the universe to such an exquisite precision and scope which can then be deciphered using complex mathematics, it should be simple enough to understand that any message given to us directly by God incarnate would be self-consistent, and not contradictive. There would be a certain logic to it.  Assumption: Jesus is honest. We can collectively assume Jesus wouldn't lie to us. Whether you ascribe to the notion the Jesus was the son of God, a great philosopher, or a prophet, it is safe to assume he believed the things he said. Even if he could be wrong, he was still being honest.  Assumption: We know what he said. There are many gospels not included in the Bible. Some men decided which would be taught, and which might be misunderstood. Most of the hidden writings have been recovered and examined. Scholars discovered subtle differences in tone and direction. Yet, the things Jesus says in them could have easily fit into the accepted Gospels. The overall meaning in Jesus' message is mostly unchanged. When taken as a whole, the words ascribed to Jesus form a coherent message. This coherency suggests a valid attempt to relay the true spoken words of Jesus. However, the individual words and sentences are not as important as the overall message.   Based on those assumptions, we can now look at his message. Jesus spelled this part out for us. He came to preach the Gospel; namely, that the Kingdom of Heaven was at hand. It seems like a simple message. Yet, it always seems to get lost in discussions about religion. Christians as a whole seem more fixated on who Jesus was rather than on what his message said. Jesus spoke at length on only a few subjects. They seem to be important to him.  He didn't want us to worry. The themes from the Sermon of the Mount are repeated throughout Jesus' teachings. He believed in the power of positive thinking. He called it faith. If you believe in something strongly enough it will come to pass. He assured his listeners that God knew what they needed. He would take care of them, all they needed to do was have faith. He went on to explain how it was unnecessary to even ask God for things. God knew. Asking implied God was less. He concluded by explaining that when talking to God, we should just thank him and accept whatever happens. We shouldn't worry. Our faith will determine what we receive. To worry is to doubt God.  He didn't want us to judge. The concept of judging has its beginnings in the Garden of Eden. The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil may have been an actual tree in the middle of an actual garden. Adam and Eve may have been actual individuals. Eating from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil could also have been a metaphor for human evolution. As we evolved, we learned the difference between right and wrong. According to the metaphor, this happened shortly after mankind became self aware. Regardless of your point of view, acting on the knowledge of good and evil is where judging begins.    Jesus saw us as all belonging to a single group which must then rely on each other in order to survive. From his perspective, judging others helps no one and hurts the one judging more than the one being judged. Because he saw mankind as a whole, he believed when someone finds faults with another they only expose themselves to the same judgments. He wanted us to accept each other, flaws and all, as unique creations. To judge is to play God.    He wanted us to love one another. He was careful to point out how friends can and do care for each other, but the real test is to care for someone that repulses you. The same point of view regarding judging applies here. Mankind is to be considered as a whole. Each individual has more in common with the other then there are differences.  In other words, we are all in the boat together. We need to get along. He didn't say we must like each other. We just need to recognize that God felt each one of us important enough to be given life. To not love is to question God.    He wanted us to show Mercy.  This is a sub-section to love one another. None can survive on their own. We all need another at some point. Jesus stresses this over and over. If somebody needs your help, you are obligated, just by being human, to help them. It does not matter what caused their need. It does not matter if it was self-inflicted. It does not matter if they made poor decisions. You would only think it matters if you were judging that person's choices. He wanted us to take it to the extreme, to sell all we had to help those in need. He believed if we all did that, there would be no more need.      He warned us. He urged us to follow his directions. He believed we could be perfect. He also carefully pointed out how horribly wrong our lives would become if we didn't listen. God would treat us the way we have treated others. If we did not act as Jesus instructed, a Hell without God awaits.       Those were the primary lessons Jesus used to convey his message. He often used analogies to explain what the Kingdom of Heaven is like. In truth, the rules he sets down also help explain it. If we live without judging, love one another, and show mercy we will find ourselves in the Kingdom of Heaven. We will undo the eating of the fruit and see Eden once again.   There are those who believe they are followers of Jesus, but cannot make themselves live by these rules. They call themselves Christians. They go to church. They tithe. They can quote scripture.  They send their kids to Bible study. They do everything outwardly to show the world how “Christian” they are. They believe they are Christians.    They pray for success. They will tell you they won because they prayed to Jesus. They amassed considerable wealth because the Lord heard their prayers. Illness passed because of prayer. The God of whom Jesus spoke would not listen to such prayers. The God of whom Jesus spoke would not dignify a prayer request with an answer. Prayer requests are a sign of doubt. Prayer should be a “thank you” and “an acceptance” and nothing more. If you pray for success and you receive success, it wasn't God who answered.   They got theirs. If you have amassed a small fortune or are living comfortably well off, and there are people dying from disease and famine in the world, why would you assume your prayers were answered by God?  Many people believe it is possible to rise to great heights no matter how low you start. All it takes is to want it bad enough. They think helping those less fortunate will teach the less fortunate to be dependent. Wealth is something to curry. There should be more laws to protect the wealth of an individual than laws to protect the individual. Freedom means to pursue wealth unfettered. Anyone who tries taking away their wealth will be met with cries of protest, legal challenges, even violence.    Weapon of Choice? God. Filled with righteous indignation, many Christians seek to end behavior they believe goes against their religion. If others do not fit within their narrow range of acceptable behavior, they use whatever quotes they can find as justification for moral outrage. Of course, in order to even notice such misbehavior, they must use finely-tuned judging skills. They must pay attention to what others are doing. They must compare those doings to what they have prejudged as decent. Mercy is not something they bestow. It is not in their arsenal. They will ridicule. They will  mock. They will humiliate. They will wage court battles. Some will murder. They judge. They play God.    Jesus is quoted as saying:     “whatsoever you do to the least of them you do to me.”    “Treat others as you would be treated.”  “Judge not, lest you be judged.”  “If he asks for your cloak, offer also your tunic.”  “If your neighbor compels you to walk a mile, walk two.”  “If he asks for forgiveness seventy times seven times, settle your grudge with your brother before you make your offering to God.”     These are not Non Sequiturs. Taken as a whole, they have meaning. To find peace, we must stop eating the fruit. It wasn't just Eve, it is all of us. Every time we become aware of the actions of others, we immediately organize, catalog, and rate those actions. It is an evolutionary survival tactic. It is because we don't see that eternal “now”. Unlike most other animals on the planet, our brains developed to the point where we could distinguish between the past, the present, and the future. As that happened, prehistoric woman gave birth to Adam. Now aware, mankind used his knowledge of time and his new found memory to study the past in order to predict the future.     He took a big bite of the fruit, and began to judge.     Jesus knew. Jesus saw how our ability to judge the world, ourselves, and each other would be the thing which destroyed us. Taken to the extreme, judgments will cause humanity to turn on itself and tear itself apart.   Personified, many call this “extreme”, Satan. It is easier to pour all of the judgments we feel against others into a threat out there. Yet, where is out there? We see Satan everywhere. We see it in our enemies. We see it in our neighbors. We see it in others. We judge.    We are tearing ourselves apart. As a whole, mankind is doing the exact opposite of the rules Jesus put forth. (Note: Rules. Jesus never asked us. He doesn't say please. He doesn't say thank you. He doesn't debate the issues.) Everything we do as a species is leading us away from the direction Jesus wished for us. Our interactions leave no room for the type of compassion and empathy Jesus expected from us. We lie to ourselves and blame others. We look for short cuts and back doors into the Kingdom of  Heaven. Jesus promised that, if we believe in him, we would get in.    Believe in him. What exactly did Jesus want us to believe? That he was the son of God? Did he say he was the son of God? Others did. He agreed. Yet, he always referred to himself as the son of Man. Our children are some of the main reasons we do things. Jesus was our child. He represented all that was good in mankind. He showed us our own depths to which we would sink if we failed to follow his rules. We butchered him. To believe in him is to believe in the message. To believe in him is to believe  the words he actually uttered. Alas, Christianity is not a religion that follows the teachings of Jesus. Christianity is a religion that follows the life of Jesus. There is a subtle yet profound difference. It is the teachings that allow us back into the Kingdom of Heaven. Jesus is also quoted as saying,“you cannot serve both God and Mammon.” He understood mankind could not have it both ways. We cannot seek out wealth and reside in the Kingdom of Heaven. They are mutually exclusive personal directions. Saying “I accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior, that he died for my sins; and I ask that he forgives me of my sins.” is an attempt to back-door a way into the Kingdom of Heaven. That is not believing in Jesus. That is a magic spell. It only works if you follow the rules Jesus spelled out.   “Faith without works is dead.” Consider: Definition of CAPITALISM : “An economic system characterized by private or corporate ownership of capital by investments that are determined by private decision, and by prices, production, and the distribution of goods that are determined mainly by competition in a free market.”     In and of itself, there is nothing wrong with Capitalism. It is an effective and logical way of doing business and gaining wealth. However, there is no room in such a system for empathy or compassion towards your fellow man. Empathy and compassion must be brought into the system by individuals. Many try. In business, a company or individual is either in ascension or in descension.  To afford others compassion or empathy, a company or individual risks loosing their share in the capitalistic system. They must choose: God or Mammon.    “What good comes to a man that gains the whole world but loses his soul.” “Wheresoever you store your wealth, so too will your heart be.” Capitalism, therefor, represents a belief system diametrically opposed to the teachings of Jesus. It is Mammon. It is a belief system. It is a religion opposing Jesus.   It is the Anti-Christ.     Mankind, as a whole, uses capitalism as its primary way of interacting with itself. Even nations that claim to not be capitalists, interact with other nations through capitalism. No one can buy or sell unless they do so through capitalism. As long as we continue to gnaw on that apple, devil worshipers can be found throughout the mirrors of the world. If we do not live by Jesus' rules, we are not believing in him. The Kingdom of Heaven will be forever hidden from our view.   “Faith without works is dead.” In the end mankind will divide itself up, turn on itself, and destroy itself. Each side will be convinced they are fighting for justice and the good of mankind. They will see Satan “over there”. Each side will see the others as the personification of all that is bad.  With righteous anger all around, mankind will consume itself. The only way to stop it?  “whatsoever you do to the least of them you do to me.”   “Treat others as you would be treated.” “Judge not, lest you be judged.” “If he asks for your cloak, offer also your tunic.”“If your neighbor compels you to walk a mile, walk two.”“If he asks for forgiveness seventy times seven times, settle your grudge with your brother before you make your offering to God.” Follow the rules.   “Be perfect as your father in Heaven is perfect.” 

[mittensmorgul]

Not all choices are created equally.

I'm really tempted to write something about free will vs Dean's "I don't have a choice" in 13.23, because he did have a choice... but the other option was to drink copious quantities of alcohol and wait for the inevitable blast wave, you know? Everyone keeps quoting the "we'll always end up here" nonsense from 5.04 as if it proves they never really had a choice. But the thing is, they absolutely didn't "end up there." Lucifer is DEAD.

DING FREAKING DONG, BITCHES.

They're in the bizarro world version of that original "end" because all their previous choices had led them here-- all those times they chose wrong (and right, or just chose what they could live with in the aftermath), all those times Lucifer didn't get shoved back into the box, and God's choice to leave Lucifer alive in the first place after 11.22. This is the result of Sam and Dean being left to clean up God's mess… So in a way it was inevitable, because you can't just lock up problems and hope they stay locked up. And AU Michael is actually a problem of Lucifer's own making… if he hadn't deliberately tried to spit in Chuck's face by making a nephilim, that doorway to AU Michael's world would never have opened in the first place.

At that point, Sam and Dean absolutely DID have choices. But by 13.23, all their choices boiled down to "which is the lesser of two evils."

Sometimes there just aren't any GOOD choices.

And anyone suggesting that Dean should've just locked the door to the bunker and waited for the end, as if that was in any way the better option… well I’ve got to really side-eye the rest of the entire season worth of choices and consequences. Because that’s the rub of free will. Dean said it way back in 6.20:

CASTIEL: I'm doing this for you, Dean. I'm doing this because of you. DEAN: Because of me. Yeah. You got to be kidding me. CASTIEL: You're the one who taught me that freedom and free will-- DEAN: You're a freakin' child, you know that? Just because you can do what you want doesn't mean that you get to do whatever you want!

Since then we’ve learned a lot about not only what Free Will is, but we’ve been more and more blatantly reminded about the fact that all choices have consequences. And sometimes Big Choices have Cosmic Consequences. Consequences that affect the future, narrowing down the potential future array of choices.

It’s no longer a matter of Free Will vs Fate at that point, it’s a matter of navigating through the consequences of PAST CHOICES until-- like Jessica the reaper told Sam and Dean in 13.19-- the only option is to go nuclear or go home.

Jessica: Rowena’s changing people’s fates. She’s killing them before their time and when a reaper shows… Sam: She torches them too. Jessica: Yes. Dean: Why? Jessica: You’ll have to ask her when you stop her because if she keeps this up she is going to throw off fate…. The whole greater machinery of death. Sam: That means? Jessica: Have you ever heard of the butterfly effect? Dean: Ashton’s second best movie! Sam: { looks at Dean incredulous} Yeah of course….. one small mistake can cause all kinds of bad. What about it? Jessica: If just one person dies before their time a lot of things that were supposed to happen… don’t. The ripple effect from just one early death can affect hundreds of lives and changing their fates changes even more fates until things just become sincerely unfortunate and we have to hit the reset button. Sam: What does that mean? Jessica: Usually? A mass kill off like the Black Plague or a mid sized war… Something to wipe the board clean. So… you’re help in avoiding that would be greatly appreciated by everyone.

So there is a sort of “fate” attached to death, because dying is the one thing we’re all fated to do, you know? It’s the one thing nobody can wiggle out of (well, unless they’re Winchesters, apparently, but the whole premise of the show has always been that they’re different-- and yes I’m including Cas in that because duh). And messing with life and death this way-- not to mention messing with alternate universes which was Billie’s concern in 13.05, wherein resurrecting Dean to deal with that mess was the lesser Cosmic Consequence-- has a wider-reaching series of consequences. It’s not fate, but the inevitable result of screwing with the Natural Order.

(and quick lil reminder that in 13.05 DEAN CHOSE to die, accepted his death... and Billie basically said... NOPE THAT’S NOT AN OPTION TODAY, in a tidy flipping of everything Dean ever thought Free Will was about.)

And this is what Death has been teaching to Dean since… ever. (see 6.11 for the major exposition on this point)

I've seen people saying it was pointless to have Dean say he didn't have a choice (and people who then make the entirety of his decision based on saving Sam and no one else), but Free Will doesn't mean there's always going to be a GOOD choice to be made. I mean, that's not how life (and the inevitability of death) works. It's not always "easy 100% virtuous option" vs "terrible and easily condemnable option." Sometimes the choice is between fighting and surrendering entirely, and there is no other viable option. (and on a meta level, from outside the narrative, this is the sort of narrowing down of options that drives the story to this sort of do-or-die choice that makes season finale cliffhanger drama happen.)

(and again, Naomi reminded us again in 13.18 that everything eventually ends... even when it doesn’t)

And surrendering entirely is just... not an option for Dean in any universe.

And of course Dean chose to fight, and NOT JUST TO SAVE SAM >.>

I mean he could have let Sam die and felt helpless, but there were absolutely stakes beyond that, like seeing Lucifer eat Jack's grace, and knowing what Lucifer would do with that sort of power. He hadn’t been up to his usual Threat Level all season long. Dean had seen a much weakened Lucifer in 13.13, but boosted with Nephilim Grace, and lacking any other reason not to just burn the world down, this was absolutely a DEFCON 1 situation here. Nuclear war was imminent.

(and largely out of Dean’s potential array of choices, here. It was basically a choice between which nuclear warhead he was gonna fire, and he chose the one he had at least a remote chance of being able to pilot himself)

(*spends 30 seconds imagining Dean waving a cowboy hat around as he rides the nuclear bomb as it’s dropped a la Dr. Strangelove*)

Lucifer’s depowered state and general apathy, and then his desire to get his hands on Jack to use him for his own purposes of elevating himself to a sort of stolen godhead, remaking the world (sans humanity, unless they learned their place and worshipped him because he believed he deserved that) in his own image, and basically using the entire planet to give a big fuck you to God… I mean, these aren’t obscure and unknown things about Lucifer. These have always been the stakes when he’s been in play. Dean learned this firsthand in 5.04.

But there’s also Jack. You know, the kid they spent the back half of the season trying to rescue (along with Mary) from the AU? The kid that Cas had told Dean he'd literally argued his way out of the Empty to protect? I'm... ?????

It’s not possible for Dean to look Cas in the eye and NOT acknowledge that he’s just as focused on saving JACK (who just had his grace ripped out in front of his eyes after finally rejecting Lucifer’s status as his “father” and completely throwing his lot in with Humanity, making the ultimate declaration of his place in the universe as a member of the Winchester Family and TFW 2.0) as he is on saving Sam. To say otherwise is just… disingenuous at best, and completely ignores more than half of the season’s major themes to do so.

Just because Dean said he didn't care about himself, but did care about his brother a few episodes earlier... that doesn't make him saying yes to Michael ONLY about Sam. More than half the season centered around the rescue mission for both Jack AND Mary, and to reduce the emotional struggle Dean went through over them to something entirely unimportant in this ultimate moment of choice is just… gross. Even if Sam had died in 13.21, Dean would press on to get them home, or or what did Sam even die for?

Going back to the Cosmic Consequences of previous choices, Billie sort of warned him all along that messing with the AU was gonna lead to trouble, and here we are. I wonder what Jessica the reaper reported to Billie when Dean said yes? And I keep thinking about this from 13.05 when Dean chose to die:

Billie: That doesn't sound like the Dean Winchester I know and love. The man who's been dead so many times but it never seemed to stick. Maybe you're not that guy anymore, the guy who saves the world, the guy who always thinks he'll win no matter what. You have changed. And you tell people it's not a big deal. You tell people you'll work through it, but you know you won't, you can't, and that scares the hell out of you. Or... am I wrong?

She said that to him like she was issuing a formal challenge. That was the bait that dragged Dean through the rest of the season, and it got an immediate boost when Cas came back to him at the end of that episode. Cas gave him the emotional carrot to push through to the end.

The reapers and their "clean hands" policy can't interfere, but Death can do the usual Death thing of nudging Dean to where he needed to be. Giving vague warnings, and even vaguer directions… Like in s6 Death’s warning about “the souls” didn’t help change the ending, but it kept Dean pushing in the right direction to eventually understand; even if he couldn’t stop the bad thing happening, at least he’d be forearmed to fix it once it was broken.

So going back to Dean’s choice to say yes to Michael. It was always only ever going to come back to this choice-- not in a replay of 5.04 or even 5.22, but in the ultimate subversion of it, with a few conditions attached. And in a truly disturbing twist, this is exactly what Jack promised in 12.19…

Cas in 5.22, after successfully stopping the original Apocalypse, at great personal cost:

CASTIEL: You got what you asked for, Dean. No paradise. No hell. Just more of the same. I mean it, Dean. What would you rather have? Peace or freedom?

Dean asked for freedom, and he got it. Just more of the same. But in 12.19, Cas swallowed the kool aid Jack’s powers served up-- the promise of peace and paradise. And this is the result. In 5.22, Dean wasn’t terribly content with the consequences of his choices, and I mean yes they very much did save the world, but at what cost? And he couldn’t even begin to see the future consequences of his cosmic interference yet (see: the rest of the series post 5.22 for evidence).

And this result in 13.23? Is the cosmic opposite. For reasons entirely beyond their control (because the Winchesters are not omniscient nor omnipotent-- not even Cas or Jack), and all they’ve ever done was the best they could in any circumstance, it’s unfair to suggest that this ultimate choice Dean had to made wasn’t entirely the result of a season-long (or even series-long) flow chart gradually cutting off options until the final coin toss could only be between these two final options. Peace or freedom, flee or die, Michael or Lucifer. He’d just reached the last chapter of the Choose Your Own Adventure story, where the only way out is through.

Sure, Dean absolutely had a choice. He could’ve chosen to barricade the door to the bunker and wait for their inevitable death at Lucifer’s hand, but we know what he does in that circumstance (hello 12.22). So even if it gets them all killed, he’ll use the grenade launcher, because really, Dean will always choose to go down fighting rather than surrendering to fate.

And now we know that drive has ultimately led him to the unthinkable choice to accept what he’d always been told was his fate. Because it was either that or watch the world burn.

And yes, he knows exactly what Michael wanted to do to our world, and he understood there was a bigger risk to this choice than anything else he’s ever had to do. He knows exactly what Michael intended to do to the world, because in addition to the rescue mission aspect of the back half of the season, this was the other Major Threat, and the other side of the coin that Cas suggested might be why he was resurrected. Michael brings War. And Cas believed he was resurrected to also stop that war from happening.

So there Dean was, looking Cas in the face. Cas, who’d been Dean’s personal win in 13.06, and yet NONE OF THAT was stated by Dean directly TO CAS, while Cas repeatedly stated that his two-pronged reason for even being alive was 1) to protect and save Jack, and 2) to stop AU Michael from making war on their world.

(not even touching on Cas’s PERSONAL issues with Lucifer, and his personal mission to-- if not kill him outright, at least grind Lucifer’s face into the ground in every possible way, from everything about how impotent he was to even stand up to the least of his creations to adopting and teaching human love to the greatest of Lucifer’s creations… I mean, THIS WAS NOT INSIGNIFICANT TO CAS)

And in that moment, immediately after Cas had to watch his first mission go up in flames as Lucifer undid Jack and stole his grace, and had to confront this ultimate personal failure against Lucifer and the ultimate personal failure of his promise to Kelly, and his ultimate personal failure to protect Jack… even in that moment there was still one final choice to be made.

Dean clearly negotiated terms (which we don’t know the entirety of, but hopefully will learn in 14.01), because Lucifer was the immediate threat RIGHT FRIGGIN’ NOW. Not only to Jack and Sam, but to the entire universe. They had one weapon that could stop him, which was utterly useless without an archangel to wield it. But they also had one slightly used archangel in the scratch and dent bin and one perfect vessel…

Sometimes the choice is really that limited, but to say it wasn’t a choice is doing a disservice to the entire season, and to the entire series going right back to the start.

#spn 13.23 #that's what free will is #dean is the center of the universe #COSMIC. CONSEQUENCES. #billie the reaper #using your words #winchester family dynamics #there's always a choice but sometimes all your options suck donkeys