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thevagueambition · 2 days

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A concept I'm obsessed with, and which makes a substantial appearance in Enjolras' barriacde scenes, is the concept of moral martyrdom

The ends don't justify the means, but that does not mean that awful means are never not to achieve just goals. The powerful do not give up their power on a whim. All that the people has, the people has fought for.

If natural law can judge all existing law only in criticizing its ends, then positive law can judge all evolving law only in criticizing its means. If justice is the criterion of ends, legality is that of means. Notwithstanding this antithesis, however, both schools meet in their common basic dogma: just ends can be attained by justified means, justified means used for just ends. Natural law attempts, by the justness of the ends, to "justify" the means, positive law to "guarantee" the justness of the ends through the justification of the means. This antinomy would prove insoluble if the common dogmatic assumption were false, if justified means on the one hand and just ends on the other were in irreconcilable conflict. Critique of Violence, Walter Benjamin

When Enjolras liquidates Cabuc for killing a civillian, Enjolras does the necessary and in so doing condemns himself.

"Citizens," said Enjolras, "what that man did is frightful, what I have done is horrible. He killed, therefore I killed him. I had to do it, because insurrection must have its discipline. Assassination is even more of a crime here than elsewhere; we are under the eyes of the Revolution, we are the priests of the Republic, we are the victims of duty, and must not be possible to slander our combat. I have, therefore, tried that man, and condemned him to death. As for myself, constrained as I am to do what I have done, and yet abhorring it, I have judged myself also, and you shall soon see to what I have condemned myself." [...] "In executing this man, I have obeyed necessity; but necessity is a monster of the old world, necessity's name is Fatality. Les Mis 4.12.8

If the uprising had become a revolution and if said revolution had succeeded in making the world Enjolras was imagining, Enjolras would not think he had a place in that world. Achieving the just would not wipe his hands clean of what he has done with them to build it. What he has done is horrible and doing horrible things is the purvey of necessity -- not of the righteous future he glimpses from the barricade's horizon.

"What a pity!" said Combeferre. "What hideous things these butcheries are! Come, when there are no more kings, there will be no more war. Enjolras, you are taking aim at that sergeant, you are not looking at him. Fancy, he is a charming young man; he is intrepid; it is evident that he is thoughtful; those young artillery-men are very well educated; he has a father, a mother, a family; he is probably in love; he is not more than five and twenty at the most; he might be your brother." "He is," said Enjolras. "Yes," replied Combeferre, "he is mine too. Well, let us not kill him." "Let me alone. It must be done." And a tear trickled slowly down Enjolras' marble cheek. At the same moment, he pressed the trigger of his rifle. Les Mis 5.1.8

The sergeant is Enjolras' brother, his comrade, his neighbour -- he is another human being whom Enjolras would prefer to treat with the care and dignity all human beings ought to be afforded. He is not the opressor class, but simply a tool of them -- a young man similar to Enjolras in all but ideology.

There is literal martyrdom, where one dies for the cause, and there is moral martyrdom, where one sacrifices one's clean hands, one's peace of mind, for the cause. Enjolras does both.

"I've given up all chance at inner peace. I've made my mind a sunless space. I share my dreams with ghosts. I wake up every day to an equation I wrote 15 years ago from which there's only one conclusion, I'm damned for what I do. My anger, my ego, my unwillingness to yield, my eagerness to fight, they've set me on a path from which there is no escape. I yearned to be a savior against injustice without contemplating the cost and by the time I looked down there was no longer any ground beneath my feet. What is my sacrifice? I'm condemned to use the tools of my enemy to defeat them. I burn my decency for someone else's future. I burn my life to make a sunrise that I know I'll never see. And the ego that started this fight will never have a mirror or an audience or the light of gratitude. So what do I sacrifice? Everything!" One Way Out, Andor

#les mis #lm 4.12.8 #lm 5.1.8 #enjolras #My Own Very Specific Brain Worms

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gwaaaaar · 3 days

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Southasian BB thoughts :3

Ahhhh my gah. A bit of a side note about how black butlers racism got better and worse over time. The portrayal of Indian culture has always vexed me because imo, sometimes it had such an incredibly profound usage of Hindu imagery, and extremely accurate cultural depictions clearly as a result of research. But then you get the random bits of stereotyping and the occasional belly dancing fit??? Hey i thought you guys knew better???

Anyways. I do want to be positive on this post. VERY fond of how Sebastian, out of respect for Agni, doesn't ridicule him for his faith and in fact uses it to encourage him. He retells him the story of Shiva and Kali after Agni apologizes for betraying Soma and the rest of the group because he and Soma were able to get past their shortcomings and understand each other better. Which is incredibly sweet and incredibly surprising coming from Sebastian.

And then of course, infamously the shot of Soma holding Agnis ashes with the caption saying he'd follow the path of Ma Kali... that was raw as FUUUUUCK. That moves me every time. Kali is supposed to be a defender, a manifestation of righteous rage, exactly what Soma was... he wanted to help people so much but the despair of not being able to make a proper change is leading him to drastic, violent actions... Ohhhhh I am ILLLLLL. AND EVEN when he says his actions are meaningless in the end, he still gives the child the jewellery he beat the thugs for because deep down he still wants to help... oh my god. Maybe I will forgive Black Butler for the occasional hatecrime/j/lh

I unironically believe Soma and Agni are some of the best, most fleshed out Southasian portrayals in animanga, or even general mainstream media. WHICH IS WEIRD CONSIDERING... the random racism... but I love them so so dearly and hold them close to my heart I will always love them even though i was puking in my mouth a little at the start (not at them ofc). Looking past the initial party animal/religious stereotypes, they are both very sympathetic and the kindest characters that have the repsect of their peers, not just because of their status but their legitimate good attitudes. They have mostly major roles even if not main. They have development and aren't just props used to propel their white peers, (besides ciel using em but he uses everyone and that's something else). They are allowed to be human. And god. God do i love them ❤

I keep thinking abt that panel where Sebastian tells phantomstaff to get on their knees and pray to Agni for even a sliver of his talent because they are useless bastards and i keep laughing really hard

#black butler #kuroshitsuji #soma asman kadar #agni black butler

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snovyda · 7 months

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Popular activist post: you can't stay neutral when there's a genocide!!! Shame on all of you!!

The OP of that very post in their other posts: *low-key or high-key supports russian invasion of Ukraine and open genocidal speech about Ukrainians*

🤡🤡🤡

#i am tired of y'all's hypocrisy and ignorance parading as activism #guess what: your performative activism won't help the cause you claim to support either #because you don't bother to actually educate yourself on that issue as well #but you think it makes you look righteous

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todayisafridaynight · 10 months

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YOU MAKE THAT POST AND DON'T SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON EVERYONE'S OPINION ON SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG???

I MEAN IT'S SUCH A NICHE FUCKING TOPIC LMAO I DIDN'T THINK ANYONE WOULD CARE

but anyway here's the Egregiously Simplified version of Everyone Is Forced To Play Ten Routes Of Shadow The Hedgehog And Has To Give Their Opinion Afterwards

#snap chats #i already hear someone going 'the fuck you mean mine is number one shadow the hedgehog defender' YOU WILL LISTEN TO ME #at first i do think he'd be like 'what the fuck' but then going through all of shadows routes. or at least ten to get the final story #and seeing the constant betrayal and inability to trust others he faced yet still ultimately persevering due to his promise to maria #i think bro would be moved.. just a little.. would he think shadow a bit headassed for that considering what the humans did to him #Of Course but also its evident that shadows clearly taking things into his own hands now- as righteous of a mission as it is #despite the persistent attempted influence by everyone around him. shadows a complicated TRAGEDY he'd be moved #mine's artsy like that..... gotta go before i get shot ive said insane things before but this one'll take the cake me thinks #im not explaining everyone else mine's just felt like the one i NEEDED to explain lest i look more insane than usual #06 daigo's purely a Shadow Angst enjoyer. he understands shadow and he's wallowing in the misery of his backstory #majima's weird to categorize cause he definitely can be like Lmao The Fuck and/or just play the game chaotically #and then the aspects of identity come in and on the outside he'll be like 'bro its not that deep' but on the inside its like #Damn He Just Like Me Fr. i think. idk i dont study majima leave me alone im not making ANOTHER One Chara Exclusive category #i said i wouldnt explain anyone else and here i am explaining shut UP im gonna go eat #im not looking at this anymore bye #FORCING myself to leave cause i really will just end up typing essays on bitches perceiving shadow LMAOO

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ereborne · 2 months

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Song of the Day: March 27

"Long Time Gone" by The Chicks

#song of the day #I'm still thinking about the Country Songs About Country Songs #this is actually a cover too though I never hear the original around anywhere #(it's by Darrell Scott who is also the originator for 'You'll Never Leave Harlan Alive'#turns out he's got a bunch of songs that got picked up and made somewhat more popular in the hands of other folks. an interesting legacy)#the best lines of this song to sing are also the bits About Country Music--well the whole song's about chasing the love of it #but this bit is bemoaning the kids these days you know. country music isn't what it used to be. why back in my day etc etc #it's so so so much fun to sing too because you get to exaggerate your 'I think's until they rhyme with 'Hank'. excellent work #'we listen to the radio to hear what's cookin / but the music ain't got no soul #now they sound tired but they don't sound Haggard / they got money but they don't have Cash #they got Junior but they don't have Hank / I think I think I think / the rest is a long time gone'#it's fascinating to me to think about these songs in (saying 'historical' here is giving me psychic damage but) historical context #because the Darrell Scott original for Long Time Gone came out in 2000 and The Chicks released their version in 2002 #so they were talking about the trend towards American jingoism in country music of the time #versus like Waylon Jennings in 1975 'Are You Sure Hank Done It This Way'#(I typed that and /then/ went back and looked up the release date and I'm so proud I got it right)#already bemoaning the state of country music in the 70s versus good old classic country like Hank Williams Senior sang #(Hank Jr covered Waylon's song in 1981. like yes it's a tribute to his father but also Hank Jr was a big push towards outlaw country #and has a few pretty famous songs himself about not singing like his daddy did. it just seems a strange choice to me)#and then Eric Church put out 'Lotta Boot Left to Fill' in 2009 calling out the shallowness of the country music scene of the time #(talking some only-thinly-veiled shit about a few of his peers in the process)#and then he released 'Stick That In Your Country Song' in 2021 and that /definitely/ put some backs up #that one's a less directed but more direct call-out if that makes any sense #no lines that are direct references to other artists' songs but stronger sentiments overall #not just general 'y'all are getting shallow prioritizing good times and high sales over genuine heart and integrity of craft'#but some straight up 'you have forgotten the face of your father' shit towards country artists and fans alike. the whole industry #a very good righteous-anger song

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darkshrimpemotions · 5 months

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What's so funny to me is for all the people who decided to gloat over Taylor not winning last night, on some weird high horse about it and needlessly pitting women against each other once again, Taylor herself was on her feet before anyone else, wholeheartedly celebrating the winner.

#taylor swift #golden globes #golden globes 2024 #this is why i say the only criticism of her with any nuance and depth comes from swifties #because swifties are the only ones not frothing at the mouth to see a successful woman get knocked down a peg #it really is 1989 era all over again #she got so successful that it started to look like real power and people could not handle that #and yes there are legitimate criticisms but they're never the focus with this shit #just a thin veneer stretched over the seething misogyny underneath #and it ALWAYS shows in the tactics used. every. single. time.#and this treatment isn't even unique to taylor #it happens every time a woman starts to get a little too powerful for people to handle #the difference is taylor has managed to get back up from the initial squash to become bigger than ever #so the backlash gets bigger as well #consider: if you're a grown-ass adult and taylor swift is the first celebrity you've ever hated #for having a private jet or whatever else #you are not the mighty bastion of righteous leftist indignation you think you are worstie #a LOT of celebrities have and regularly use private jets #a lot of celebrities wear more money than you make in a year in jewelry on awards nights #a lot of celebrities get praised FAR MORE to do a LOT LESS to speak out about social issues than taylor has done #a lot of celebrities make an obscene amount of money (though NOT a lot provide insurance & 100k+ bonuses to the ppl who work for them)#how celebrity is treated and positioned in our culture is FUCKED UP. and that's a valid criticism to make!#it'd even be fair to say taylor is just the pinnacle example because she's gotten SO famous #but y'all don't actually care about any of that #you just want it to be taylorswiftisoverparty 2: electric boogaloo #and you'll latch onto anything that makes you feel justified for that #respectfully: get a fucking grip

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faultsofyouth · 6 months

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People will come online fuming with hate and anger about Anything and expect everybody to instantly understand and validate them instead of being concerned about.... the genuine hate and anger. You know that behavior wouldn't fly in front of IRL strangers

#my posts #i think its ok to make posts on your personal blog about how angry you are about an issue and how you hate the people #who contribute to that issue. but when you start taking your 'righteous fury' onto other peoples posts and into public disagreements #you gotta remember people dont Know You. people dont know your life story and why you are so upset #and people arent going to want to Learn from you if you come up to them being rude and angry #because why would anyone trust you to inform them about a societal issue if you treat Anybody who asks questions or disagrees #like they are right wing terrorists. sometimes people are going to disagree with you and it doesnt mean they are not on your side #but if you never make an honest appeal to people to try and make them see things the way You see them.. nobody will ever change their minds #& agree with you.#and i know some people dont want to hear this and if they did they would say 'i dont exist to educate people im allowed to feel my feelings'#which is so true. but then dont bring your feelings onto political posts with no intent to have a conversation or share your perspective #because then you look like youre throwing a tantrum to all the people involved who decided to be open minded and share their perspectives #and have a hard but important conversation. like your name calling and accusations and calls for people to die are really not appropriate #for a serious discussion about human rights and discrimination of any kind.#i know i must be sooo annoying with this 'dont spread hate 🥺 spread knowledge' ass post but literally the older i get the more i believe #anger is not constructive. you will touch far more people and change their minds thru empathy and dedication to telling the truth

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lord-squiggletits · 1 year

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You know, I think my thing about liking “asshole Megatron” more than “good Megatron” (speaking in terms of IDW1) isn’t just the fact that I find evil Megatron more entertaining and sexy, but that I suppose I don’t like the way good guy/Autobot Megatron’s personality is?

Like mmmm I’m not trying to be one of those people who goes “he’s OOC!” or “he’s such a wimp!” or “he’s evil and doesn’t deserve to be redeemed,” but there was just something slightly grating about the way Megatron is/acts in MTMTE/LL. If I had to pick a word for it, he just seems very... self-pitying? Ratchet said it perfectly while the DJD were attacking and he told Megatron “Oh of course it’s all about you, what a surprise.”

There’s something about Autobot Megatron that makes me hate him as a person, not like in a “haha what a pathetic bastard” way the way I see villain Megatron, but in a way that’s like “god you are so fucking stuck up and annoying” in a non-enjoyable way. Maybe it’s because Autobot Megatron was a last minute plot change and I’m sensing how JRO “forced” Megatron to be part of the narrative last minute? But that would just be a matter of shoddy writing, and MTMTE/LL aren’t shoddily written.

It’s presumptuous to try and assume the motivation of an author, but I guess it kind of feels like JRO was trying so hard to make Megatron a better person that it backfired and made him more unlikeable in my eyes. Like, Megatron’s dialogue about how if he goes back towards violence he’ll never come back out again because the guilt will be too much is poetic yeah, it’s a very cute notion, but the context is that the fucking DJD (who Megatron made) is attacking and killing members of the Lost Light (who Megatron is in charge of) and was it supposed to make me think of Megatron as noble or pitiable or something? Because instead it just pissed me off and made me want to scream “this isn’t fucking about you Megatron, stop being an angsty mope and DO SOMETHING GOOD FOR ONCE instead of crying about how hard it is for you to not enjoy killing people.”

It’s fucking weird because I of course love the concept of redeemable Megatron, and I’m fascinated with the way in which he adopted violence as a coping mechanism for trauma, but the way he’s written in MTMTE/LL just makes him seem more like he’s a self-justifying asshole trying to make pitiable attempts at good deeds than like he’s actually improving as a person. Which of course is a problem caused by the fact that JRO shoved him into the plot last minute and it didn’t actually make sense for Megatron to be on the Lost Light.

#squiggposting #negativity #like deadass i don't get how so many people loooooove mtmte megs because like yeah there are really good moments #but as a person megatron is so annoying and self righteous and kind of whiney and is basically pointless to the plot to begin with #if you took him out of mtmte/ll i don't think the NARRATIVE AS A WHOLE would have lost anything worth keeping #like idk i'm trying really hard to avoid punitive and judgmental language when talking about meg/atron but just #he really really really annoys me the way he acts and how the fandom thinks that he's so precious and sad and such a good person #yeah he's less of a piece of shit than he used to be but he's still kind of a POS lol #he's so out of place in the narrative that JRO had to invent an entire alternate universe just to give him something heroic to do #meg/atron didn't even make reparations in the universe he fucked up #he just got an alternate universe made just for him for him to save instead #that's not justice that's not redemption that's not him compensating for what he did #CONCEPTUALLY YES redeemed megs is good #JRO did indeed do a lot to flesh out megs as a person #but overall he's like so fucking annoying actually and i feel like he's actually so fucking pathetic as an autobot #but everyone else seems to think he's a precious bb who tried so hard and is such a good person now #there are whole armies of meg stans who try to act like he did nothing wrong and he's god's gift to cybertron/the plot #he's really not BUT when i look at the plot of mtmte/ll i say to myself #'i see exactly why the fandom stans see megs the way they do'#because the whole story after megs comes in has this vibe of making excuses for him and trying to soften him #giving him superficial moments and forced plotlines that make him the hero of an entire alternate universe #THE UNIVERSE LITERALLY REVOLVES AROUND WHETHER MEGA EXISTS OR NOT #sure megs is punished in universe by people hating him and going off to be executed at the end #but in terms of structure and aborted plot lines (looking at you mutiny arc) the story bends to soften mega/tron and give him every chance #and it just feels.... cheap #it's one of those things where if i ignore my opinion i can enjoy the story i'm given #but if i look at it with a critical eye i'm like 'this isn't actually Pure Perfection Incarnate and actually kind of annoys me'

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halodwolf · 10 months

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lazarus isn't a fallen angel but he is a destroying angel. you understand.

#☀️#lazarus looks at atheris and tells him i will ruin you and ace doesn't believe him then but he does #atheris takes everything from him and in turn lazarus breaks him #i haven't decided if lazarus is given the knowledge of the loop but i do think he finds out. i do think he knows #he doesn't know what ace did but he does know it was him that did this. and he turns his head #loop 2 lazarus is a broken man but the longer they go the more they figure out. the more righteous he gets in his cause #and atheris has to earn his place back beside him because if he doesn't lazarus will destroy him to fix what he's broken #this doesn't make sense to anyone other than me. thats fine though #oc tag

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neon-vocalist · 2 years

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man i love it when people vaguepost instead of realising that i'm a person too and not completely infallible!! /s

#goddamn. i am a person you know. i can make mistakes #out of all my posts i forget to put a TW on one of them. one of them!!! literally a lighthearted jokey post that nobody is forcing you-#-to look at in the first place #and i appreciate the reminder to put a TW on it because i did forget to do that #but was the vaguepost necessary? tell me right now. was the blatant vagueing at me necessary?#was the calling me a negative person necessary?#was the implication that i'm a self-righteous bitch who only thinks about myself necessary?#no. at least mention me by name #if you're going to do that at least have the balls to approach me and say #hey i don't like that #you're just making me feel worse about myself #guess what? i already hate myself! i don't need you adding onto that!#don't be a coward. and don't be a bitch.#vagueposting is such a horrible move. i could write an entire essay on it actually. and before you call me a hypocrite the only reason i'm-#-doing it now is because i want you to know how it feels.#in conclusion fuck you

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scrivellc · 6 months

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Planning on doing replies tomorrow. Tonight is for thinking about body horror AUs and Orin playing King Charlemagne in Pippin. Fair warning gonna babble about horror thoughts in the tags so uh...don't read those if you don't wanna hear my weird brain machinations.

#Just thinking about Seymour having to deal with Orin who's bound and kinda loopy but not dead #And it's too late to turn back and the plant is hungry #Guess he's cutting off a limb and hoping Orin passes out and also stop looking at him like that. You'll make him feel bad #What if there were MORE HORRORS IN THIS LITTLE SHOP #Sometimes you just gotta psyche yourself up to dismember a guy who seems to still be alive out of spite #And who is looking way too human right now and not like the monster you created in your head #Can righteous fury push Seymour past the very obvious pain and suffering he's causing? Can Orin maybe stop squirming and trying to get away #Seriously Rude #Orin (before being gagged) still being kinda snarky because he doesn't know how else to be #'You know I'd appreciate it if you didn't cut off my foot. I use that for walking'#But yeah #All this predicated on Seymour assuming Orin was dead when he went unconscious and Orin coming to back at the shop #And Seymour understandably bugging out because he thought this guy was dead!#But he can't let him go because Orin would absolutely turn him in....or kill him #So he's gotta do something and well...#Here he is #(Outta Skid Row) OOC

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eff-plays · 9 months

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There's one convo with Astarion that's one of my favorites that I haven't seen mentioned or discussed yet happens (I assume) if you have high approval with him but play a good-aligned character. (This is at 60+ approval, start of Act 2.) It's probably because it's not a romantic cutscene so it doesn't get mentioned as much as the others (or because he's racist in it and some of y'all don't like to acknowledge that he has character flaws), but I think it's vital to his character and to explain his early relationship with a good-aligned Tav.

I would like to break it down a little, step by step. Because we are all cringe here.

First, he claims to feel a connection between Tav and himself, and the reason for this is because he believes he's identified "ambition" in Tav (and I'll explain why he's wrong later, but that's mostly headcanon territory, so we'll ignore it for now).

But, there's also clearly something holding Tav back from realizing their full potential, which is their naivete.

"Just that you ... have a big heart. You like doing what's right."

(The animations and voice acting here make him look and sound so fucking condescending, 10/10.)

However, Astarion doesn't tell them this is wrong, or that he disagrees. He implies it's a flaw, but doesn't state it outright. That's dangerous territory, see, and might predispose them to get defensive and reject what he has to say next.

No, he tries (and fails in my case, but it's cute that he tries, bless him) to manipulate Tav by appealing to that big heart of theirs.

"So I was thinking, what would be the right thing to do when we get to Moonrise Towers? When we come face-to-face with whoever is controlling the parasites in our heads."

"I'm just saying there's an opportunity here. If we can control the tadpoles, we can keep ourselves safe and liberate the world from this evil."

See what he's doing? You like doing what's right, so what would be the right thing to do? We can keep ourselves safe. Liberate the world from evil.

It's very blatant, but he's trying to appeal to Tav's good nature by framing his questionable ideas as something that will benefit the greater good, something that's morally righteous that they would agree with.

And of course, it's incredibly funny when you ask how he thinks you'll do that, and he fumbles and admits he's not a "details person," but it's also revealing.

He thinks he's found in Tav ambition, when all he's actually found is ability. Tav exercises power proficiently, while Astarion does not. If he had the authority they have, he'd let ambition drive his actions, which is why he assumes that's what drives Tav when they exercise their power. A good-aligned Tav has very little ambition, I'd argue, but they have plenty of opportunity to exercise their power, which they do when their hand is forced.

So what Astarion is saying is, in effect, hey, you have power, I have ambition. Will you please use your authority/ability to do what I want? Here's how it'll totally be for the greater good, I prommy.

This is brilliant writing, and I really applaud Larian for managing to walk that fine line of making Astarion so sympathetic while he's literally trying to manipulate the player character. Because when I first got this convo, my thought was both "wow, I adore how blatant and terrible his manipulation attempts are, it's kind of endearing" and "he's so terrified, it's genuinely quite tragic."

If we control the tadpoles, we can keep ourselves safe. This works only somewhat as an appeal to good-aligned Tav, because it could also potentially sound very selfish, especially if Tav is the self-sacrificing sort. So notice how, when he says "liberate the world from evil", it sounds kinda tacked-on, an afterthought designed to bury his main goal, which is keep "ourselves" (i.e. himself) safe. Like, yes, this will keep us/me safe, but if you're not into that, then it'll totally help the world, too! It doesn't quite work, because he still sounds ironic and like he doesn't believe they'd be liberating anything from any evil (work that 10 Charisma, boy), but that's the intent, I think.

Does he want power for power's sake? Yes. Is he gleefully powerhungry? Absolutely. But he's also fucking terrified, and that slips through just a little bit, even behind the smug and confident facade.

He's trying to get Tav, whom he's seen exercise their power over others, to lend some of it to him, so that he may never fear anything ever again.

All of this from a short, smug convo where he admits he's too stupid to figure out how to fulfill his dreams of world domination.

God tier characterization, 10/10.

#baldur's gate 3 #bg3 #astarion #bg3 spoilers #bg3 meta #video #worsties to lovers

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all-purpose-dish-soap · 4 months

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02 / 627 words

You challenge Gaz to a pushup competition. And lose. What did you think would happen?

He keeps at it, though, maybe as a flex. Half-envious and half-curious, you lay on your stomach with your arms folded under your chin and watch him go. Gaz pushes himself up and down at the same even pace. You could always saboratge him, shove him over, but the satisfaction wouldn't last. Especially with his self-righteous ass taking it as permission to be a martyr about it. Wouldn't be the first time.

"Can you do those one-handed?" you ask him.

He glances at you. "Doesn't do much good for my triceps, but yeah, I can handle it."

"So what? Triceps, pff. The point of one-handed pushups is looking cool."

"If you can pull it off."

"Can you?"

"Obviously."

Gaz pushes up a little harder, repositioning one hand so it's centered under him when he comes down. The other hand he puts behind his back. To your disappointment, he continues with ease. He holds his body in perfect alignment despite the sheen of sweat glazing his skin.

"Wow, fine." You make yourself sound as unimpressed as possible. "Of course you can do it with your dominant arm. What about the other one?"

Gaz switches sides without missing a rep, making it look just as easy. You frown.

"That what you meant?" he asks.

"Yeah. Yeah. Okay, that was smooth," you admit.

"It's all in the form. Keep everything straight and taut. Can't do it properly if your body's all loose and jerking around."

"Uh-huh," you say absently. "What about weighted pushups? Like what if there were something on your back?"

"I've done it before. How come you want to know?"

"Just wondering what if I, like, sat on your back while you did it. Do you think you'd be strong enough?"

"Ah, is that it?" Gaz grins. He pauses his reps with his arm taught but slightly bent, bracing him in a plank. "Try it."

"Really?"

"I can take it."

"I'm heavy."

"Mmm, sure you are. Come on."

Gaz lowers himself to the ground. You hesitate, but he's not letting you back out. He's calling your bluff and he knows it.

"Chickening out?"

You huff and push yourself to your knees. "You wish."

You feel like a ton of clumsy bricks, lowering yourself down onto his back. You really try not to think about how your hand lands right above his shoulder blade or how his tank top leaves so much of his muscled back and shoulders exposed or how your ass slides against the firm curve of his lower back. You pray you're not too heavy. But Gaz either doesn't notice or doesn't mind. As soon as you're situated, draped over him sort of on your back and sort of on your side, he resumes his reps. Slower. Like he's accommodating you as you adjust.

You keep as still as you can. Gaz is as focused and professional as ever. But this is a bit more intimate than you anticipated. Damn him for forcing you to contend with the consequences of your actions. It's impossible not to notice and feel his back muscles at work. His strength is impressive. You're dismayed at the very idea that you thought you could beat Gaz in a test of arm strength. Hubris, that's what it was.

"Is this... helping? The weight?"

"Helping my training? Yeah, it seems to be working. You're good resistance."

"Oh. Thanks. Glad to be of service."

"Yeah? You feel alright on top of me?"

Your cheeks go a little pink at his phrasing. "Yeah. Best seat in the house."

"Is it?" Gaz wears a cheeky smirk, though you can't see it. "Keep it there, then. I like a little extra motivation."

...

[part 1] / part 2 / part 3 / part 4 / part 5

more Gaz / masterlist tag

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whiskygoldwings · 4 months

Text

The Tattooist

The first clone trooper client she tattoos is an act of remembrance.

The man stands forlorn and desperate in the reception area, his borrowed clothes fitting poorly on his slumped frame. His face is tight, like a man on the edge of screaming, holding it back by the skin of his teeth. She recognises this pain, and quickly ushers him into her workroom, calling for A'maa to take the front desk while she speaks to a client. He breaths slightly easier once they are no longer in public, and she gestures for him to sit on the well-worn sofa she reserves for guests.

“I haven't got many credits,” he admits straight up. “They don't exactly pay us. I just wanted to see what could be done for what I have.”

She nods and grabs a pad and stylus, settling herself into her armchair and crossing her legs. “Tell me what you want and how much you've got and I'll see what I can do.”

He swallows painfully, and reaches into his pocket. “I have exactly 134 credits,” he holds a handful of ingots, and she glances down before looking back at his face. “I looked you up; I know it's not much in terms of tattoos. It's just... It's all I could scrape together...” he stumbles over his words, embarassment curling his lips.

“And what you want?” She interrupts, halting his ashamed attempts at explaining himself.

He takes a deep breath, grimaces, then sighs. “My brother was killed in the last battle. His name was Star. The long-necks... The Kaminoans I mean, never let us mourn each other where they could see. But he's my brother. We were born of the same batch, he helped me when I struggled with the maths tests, we had each others backs... I have a million odd brothers, but he was mine...” He presses his thumb and forefinger into his tightly-shut eyes, choking back a sob. “I want to honour him forever. I want to carry him with me, in a way they can't take away from me.” At this he straightens, bringing his hand down to stare at her determinedly. “They can make us wash our armour off, take our possessions from us. They will have to flay my skin from me if they want to take this.”

She stares back, stylus against her lips, and feels a swell of righteous fury in her throat. She's always had a mild force-sensitivity. Not enough to make training her of any worth, but enough that she can get a feel of a person, enough she can get a taste of their emotions.

This is a proud, strong man. And he is not broken by the hardships he faces, as much as he should be.

She will honour his brother with him.

The design practically leaps from her stylus, as she coaxes little stories from him. Little tales of his brother. His name was Star, he tells her first, and she sketches the rough outlines of one. He named himself, the man tells her, not giving his own name. Named himself after the balls of fury in the universe that were always out of their reach of Kamino. He laughs quietly, painfully, as he tells her the first time they had snuck out on a rainless night, when there was a brief respite in the clouds of Kamino, and by chance, there was a meteor shower over head. They'd all been amazed, confused and delighted by the sight, their little squad of five. One of the trainers, a kind man named Kal, had chuckled and told them “That'll be a shooting star” when they ask him about the phenomena, and Star had whispered to him in their bunks that night that he had decided on his name.

“I used to call him a shooting Star when we were in sims,” the man admits, a crooked grin on his face. “He kicked me in the shin for it once. Think he actually kinda liked it though.”

She adds a trail of dust behind it.

“He was so proud of being an ARF,” the man whispers. “So proud when I was nominated for ARF training alone with him. I was never as good as him, but he always took me with him, wherever he went. When the Commander told us we were getting the training, he basically hugged him. The Commander just gave him a pat on the back and told him never to do it again or he'd demote him quick as sithspit” the man snorts. “He didn't mean it, but Star'd never moved so bloody quick back into a salute, I couldn't help laughing at him, the idiot.”

She tabs out and finds a reference for an ARF troopers helmet on the 'net, and draws the trail of star dust bursting out of it and curling round to meet with the star itself.

“Our battallion wears green. Mainly olive-green. The commander started it, reminds him of the General I suspect. We became Green Company.”

The dust trail gathers sprinkles of olive green, the Star limned in the colour. She hesitates for a moment, then asks. “What markings did he wear?”

The man startles; she'd been loath to bring him out of his memories, but she wants to make it accurate. Needs to make it accurate really. She can feel how important this piece is to the man, and she finds herself strongly opposed to disappointing him.

“He had two stars on the left hand side of his helmet, one within the other.” The man indicates a point on his crown, above his ear. “And his visor was lined in green. He had a stripe vertically down the right hand side, ending just under the visor itself. On his chest piece...”

She lets him continue detailing his armour, drawing another star in olive green within the big one, then delicately tipping the helmet to conceal where the star would have been on the left. She's good, but it would have been too small to depict without potentially bleeding into a solid line, and she doesn't want that to happen. Instead, she marks in the line on the right-hand side, and ensures the big star is representative of what she imagines was on the helmet.

He's trailed off, staring sightlessly at his hands in his lap. She doesn't want to shake him, suspects alarming a trained soldier out of his own mind would be a bad idea. Instead, she uncrosses her legs, and clears her throat lightly. He glances up at her, and she smiles and extends the pad to him.

“Is something like this what you had in mind?”

He blinks at her, than reaches over and takes the pad. She sees the moment when he takes in the image. His eyes widen, and a tear he's been holding back since well before he got here slides down his cheek. He presses his fist into his mouth, other hand shaking where it holds the pad and he nods, clenching his eyes shut. “y-yes... Oh yes...” He stammers, voice thick.

“Where would you like it?”

“Over my heart,” he whispers. “I will carry him always in my heart.”

She stands abruptly, making him jump slightly and reaches out for the pad. “Okay, shirt off and lie down on the bed for me please. I assume as a clone trooper you're routinely screened for any blood diseases?” He nods, standing up with a slightly dazed expression on his face. She nods back and turns away, beginning the ritual of preparing her inks. She's playing a game of avoidance now, knows she won't take this man's money, and if she can keep him from asking about it she may be able to get it finished before he finds out. She suspects he'd do the honourable thing and refuse to get the tattoo. It'll be harder for him to do if it's halfway done. And while normally she'd insist on a full disclosure form and signature, she gets the feeling having no hardcopy evidence of what is about to happen will be a very good idea. The pad will need reformatting after she's done, but she's been required to do that for other clients who want their body art to be completely untraceable, so she doesn't store anything of any import on it for long anyway. She hears the rustle of cloth behind her and smiles slightly to herself, pleased at a plan going well. “Would you tell me more about him please?”

The man takes a deep breath behind her, even as she hears the bed creak as he clambers onto it. “He was always good at slipping by unnoticed. It's how he kept us both out of trouble back in training...”

She finishes mixing up the colours she needs as he begins to tell her about their childhood, what little of it there was. Checks her machine and cleans the patch of skin above his heart as he laughs about a prank played on one of their batchmates. It warms her and chills her at the same time, realising how little they had, but what great things they made of what they did. She prints out the stencil and places it over his chest as he whispers about Star easing him through the tail end of a nightmare, checking quietly that he's happy with the position before pressing the needle to his skin. He breaths in through his nose once when she starts, and she glances up at him, but he smiles and continues on into a story about when they first met their Jedi, and how Star gushed about her afterwards. She sinks into the meditative process of stamping lines into being, bringing colour to life, all the while surrounded by the man's soft voice building a memorial to his brother in their room.

When it's finished, the man looks surprised. “I thought it would take longer than that?” He blinks at her, “And be more painful in all honesty.”

She grins, “You did your research well hon, I'm good at what I do.”

He laughs and sits up, wincing slightly as the skin stretches around the wound. She squirts cleaner onto a cloth and holds it towards his chest, pausing before touching the tattoo for him to give a nod of permission, then wipes carefully across it, removing excess ink and stencil gently. Looking it over critically, she's happy with what she's done, knows she's poured herself into this tattoo as well. The lines are clean and crisp, the colours deep and rich. The helmet tilts up to look at the star above it, the trail of stardust sweeping behind it and curling up to emerge from the opening of the helmet at the bottom. Olive green accents in the tail, the line over the right-hand side of the helmet and around the visor, and the outer and inner two stars. She nods to herself, and grins up at him. “Ready to see it?”

He swallows nervously, but nods. She feels her grin quirk into a proper smile, then holds out her hand to him. He looks at it for a second, then places his own in hers, and she helps pull him from the bed. She keeps hold of his hand as she guides him to the full length mirror just beside the couch, and gently pulls him to stand infront of it. The hand in hers trembles as he stares at his reflection, taking a moment on his own face to gather his courage, then looks down at his chest.

The noise that punches out of his lungs is almost animal, and she grips his hand tightly. He cries openly, other hand reaching up to hover just under the tattoo as he looks down at his own chest. It's several moments before he can say anything, and she stands next to him the whole time, holding his hand as he clenches onto hers. He cries and cries, grief finally allowed expression, as she gives him silent comfort in proximity. His first words are “thank you”, and she smiles at him, as he starts to collect himself and turns away from her to try and pull himself back together.

“I'll give you a few minutes to check it over and make sure you're happy before I bandage it up,” she murmers, and steps quietly out of the room, giving him privacy in his sorrow.

A'maa glances up at her as she steps out, raising an eyebrow. Strictly speaking, she wasn't supposed to be working today, and she hadn't considered that A'maa might have had to turn away one of her own clients when she committed to tattooing the man. But A'maa glances over at the door to her workroom and shakes her head. “Don't worry about it Elaah,” she whispers, “Whatever it was, it was clearly important.”

“Yes,” Elaah whispers back, walking over to cradle herself in A'maa's outstretched arm, seeking the comfort of her own found family. “Yes, it really was.”

It's a few more minutes before the man opens the door, glancing around the edge of it. She quickly cuts off her conversation with A'maa and smiles at him. “Ready to get bandaged up?”

He nods and smiles, face a little blotchy from the tears, though neither she nor A'maa say anything. She gives A'maa's shoulder a quick squeeze, then heads into the room, leaving the door ajar this time. The man stands infront of the mirror again, gazing down at his new ink, and she quickly grabs the bits she needs to finish off. He smiles at her as holds the fake skin bandage up to his chest, carefully sizing it up to fit nicely over the tattoo.

“How much do I owe you?” he asks, and she shakes her head.

“Nothing hon, you paid me in stories.”

He protests immediately, as she suspected he would. “Too late hon!” she grins at him. “It's already on your skin and I'll throw your credits out onto the street after you if you try leaving them behind. Good luck winning this one!” She winks and pats him on the shoulder, turning away to grab his top and thrusting it into his abdomen. He grabs it and gapes at her, clearly not quite sure what to say, before straightening and flashing a sheepish grin at her.

“You planned this from the start didn't you?” He asks, pulling the top over his head and rolling his eyes as she throws him a cheeky wink and nods.

“I've got to give you something, this means so much to me... You have no idea...” He gulps and shakes his head, blinking fresh tears out of his eyes. “Tell you what, I'll make sure anyone else who might be thinking of getting some ink heads this way?”

She shrugs. “I'm not going to turn down customers, but you don't owe me anything. I just hope you think of Star whenever you see it.”

“I will,” he murmurs, a hand going to rest over where the tattoo sits over his heart. He glances up at her. “My name is Trix. I just... wanted you to know that.”

She smiles at him, and gently rests a hand over his own. “Thank you Trix.” she says, smiling up at him, “Thank you for everything you and your brothers do for us.”

He grasps her hand with his other one and squeezes it tightly for a moment, before turning around and walking out the shop.

#the clone wars #clone troopers #fanfic #fanfiction #feels #tattoos #tattoos as healing #star wars #oc characters #also posted to ao3 #CentrauGuardian

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