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honeytonedhottie · 6 months

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Hi! I hope your day has been good 🥰

I need some advice but it’s okay if you don’t wanna answer.

So my brother hasn’t payed his bills on time for quite some time now and he told me about it just a couple of days ago. Since he didn’t pay them, they sent it to the company that handles with people not paying their bills. And when this happens it’s bad. Really really bad. It’s gonna affect/effect (idk which one it is sorry) his life, it’s gonna get harder and there are many things he won’t be able to do because of this.

The thing is, he has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, he sometimes procrastinates and pushes things away so to not think of them bc they cause him stress, anxiety etc. And that’s what happened with this, it’s why this all happened.

I’m doing my best to help him bc our parents don’t know and I think he’ll do everything and anything to make sure they don’t know bc our parents are special so he’s terrified of them knowing. His birthday is in a while so he’s gonna get some money, I’m gonna help too even if I don’t have that much.

The reason I’m here is bc I don’t know what to do. How can I manifest this away? I know that I have to assume that it’s been resolved or something like that but it’s so hard when I see him crying and stressed about this. I don’t know how I’m supposed to act and behave in the 3D. I’m just overwhelmed and idk what to do. He’s the best and he doesn’t deserve this and I wanna manifest this away, however it happens but idk how. I’m scared that when I affirm and do everything right, nothing will change. Or I’m afraid that no matter what, no matter how hard and bad the circumstances are, I will never be able to persist, have faith and do everything right even though I have all the knowledge of loa and can manifest this away.

Do you have any advice?

And I’m sorry if this was too heavy and such, you don’t owe me anything so if you don’t answer pls don’t feel guilty!

thank you for asking this and i'd love to answer to the best of my ability and hopefully give some guidance 🫶🏽💗💗💗💗

its normal to be overwhelmed when the 3d is in ur face like this. i totally get it. u dont have to ever worry about the "how" every thing, person, every atom in this universe will bend to show u what u believe to be true. its the law. it always works without fail, the only variable in it is you.

ur doing EVERYTHING right, just focus in on ur goal/objective, think FROM the state of being so happy because your brother is paying his bills on time and hes in a good state of mind and being. and perpetuate/sustain that new belief. no matter what, it WILL harden into a fact if u persist in it.

when it gets tough, show urself compassion and take a break if it'll help u, when the 3d is in ur face take deep breaths and remember that u are the source and that ur LIMITLESS💗💗💗💗💗💗💗

#law of assumption #advice #honeytonedhottie

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carriecutforth · 3 years

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The Shit

Tumblr is telling me to go ahead, put anything...so here it goes

I haven't been public about this for reasons that will be apparent but gonna start this with all the trigger warnings. I'm writing it here cause I can't talk to the majority of people about it cause most people can't even grasp, and then questions start, putting me in the situation of feeling like my GIANT SWEATER of trauma is being unraveled answering questions that lead to more questions and gah PLEASE DO NOT RETUMBL-- I just need to scream in the void This is the shit: On the day my sister-in-law's mother died she had to call form-1 my baby brother because his psychosis (undiagnosed mental illness which I will get to) was terrorizing their family (three small kids). My mother WHO IS SCHIZOPHRENIC had him released into her and my ANTI-VAXXER ANTI-MASKER narcissist father's care, but NOT before they found out, incidentally due to the FORM 1, he is ALSO really sick with leukemia. I only found out because I decided to dip into the special folder for emails called MOM that I try to avoid reading as long as they can FOR REASONS. But I felt for some reason an urge to, and then I had to try to parse out what had happened from her ramblings that are A LOT. Then I had to confirm with my poor sil who is at her wits end and was in no position to tell me herself. My dad stopped talking to me back in November when I called him for his anti-vax rhetoric as being EUGENICS when he told me it is just the flu and only killing old people and the disabled. I reminded him I've been immuno-compromised my whole life (he KNOWS this) and got chronic fatigue after a flu in late 2016 (he knows this), and did he not care if I DIED? (apparently not) But I was like lol, fine, don't talk to me anymore. Die mad about it for all I care. A lot of people are like: 'oh, that's tough, losing a relationship with your father' and I'm like YOLO (it really isn't if you knew him). SO THEN I have to reach out to my dad: "Why isn't my brother in the hospital being treated by medical professionals for YOU KNOW, HIS LEUKEMIA." My dad responded that the doctors were JUST GOING TO PUMP HIM FULL OF DRUGS! And that HE is treating my brother's leukemia with I dunno baking soda (he told me before it is a cure for cancer). THEN HE GOES RADIO SILENT. I have no idea where my brother is cause they got him an apartment somewhere in Toronto. *though I do have a Machiavellian plan to try to find out. The reason my brother has untreated psychosis is that even though I've begged my parents since he was a TEEN to get him diagnosed, they refused. It's like they have the opposite of Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy in that their ABLEISM is soooo bad they refuse to see he has been very sick, and even if he was really sick, 'doctors are stupid' <--quoting my dad. This is the backstory. My dad was always on the road for his job. My mom had my baby brother AGAINST all wishes of her doctor to ever get pregnant again. I'm not talking aborting, she got PREGNANT on purpose again to SERVE GOD'S GREATER PURPOSE even though it might kill her and said future fetus. So he was born with a lot of issues because of the very bad pregnancy's complications on TOP of the very hereditary bipolar/schizophrenia, AND everything else we got going on besides. After he was born, my mom went into a very deep depression for years and then would vacillate between that and mania. Which meant me: THE ELEVEN year old was forced to raise a baby that wasn't hers and had no ultimate authority over. I was called by everyone his *BROTHER'S NAME* SECOND MOM. *More on this later Our relationship is very strained because of this, particularly when at 17 I had enough momming a child while being constantly undermined by my parents absolute shenanigans. So there was resentment when I quit being his 'second mom' and that he equally resented for things like, trying to put him into bed, when my mom would come in and say let him stay up all night or getting him to eat something other than candy for breakfast (you can guess the dynamic with my parents here). Even if my disabled ass could sue my parents for his

care, he doesn't WANT me to be in charge of his care.

And yet still, I tried to advocate for him for years fighting my parents TOOTH and NAIL to get him on disability and out from underneath their thumb so he could have a measure of independence and autonomy. They had every excuse in the book not to get him diagnosed including expense. It was so goddamned awful fighting with them on this cause in their mind: he was going to live with either them or me forever (they decided this for me and my ex-husband and kids with no consultation), so WHY bother set up his future for him??? So when he was 20?, I hatched a Machiavellian PLAN: I got him, against my parent's wishes, into college for the sole reason of getting the resources for him to get diagnosed so that he could get on disability. AND IT WORKED! (kinda) Except my parents twisted him so much into only talking about his autism spectrum symptoms and NONE of the psychosis because their ableism is sooooo entrenched. (but I did manage to get him on ODSP). And subsequent times I forced my dad to take him to a psychiatrist, he's like: 'oh, I forgot to talk about the psychosis we just talked about the aspergers. Besides people with psychosis are untreatable, you can't convince them otherwise' (see again, my mom). Over the years, I have begged my dad to take my brother to get properly diagnosed and treated (I'm not meaning forced, my brother is also agoraphobic, and won't leave his place UNLESS he is driven by my dad and was living in a city far away from me). I said, I was very concerned for his kids but my dad always gaslights me (and tells everyone I'm crazy -- the IRONY). So now my mom is writing me emails about how this is all my sil's fault because 'she is on drugs' (she is not), 'she is sleeping around' (she is not), 'her kids are scared of her not my brother' (it's the exact opposite). WHICH IS A HUGE TRIGGER FOR ME because She did the exact same thing to ME with my other brother (a diagnosed PSYCHOPATH) who used to beat me and the rest of us mercilessly when my parents weren't around (and they never believed me, and told everyone not to believe me because I was crazy), who pulled a KNIFE on me and threw a drawer at me when I was NINE MONTHS PREGNANT, and how absolutely awful I was AS HIS SISTER to kick him out of my house with no place to live or go (cause he was living with me and my ex-husband at the time because THEY KICKED HIM OUT OF THEIR PLACE and didn't want him back.) Are you beginning to get a sense of the dynamic of my family? Soooooooo the last few weeks my brain has just been in total trauma mode going processing, processing, processing, processing as the final total realization of how absolutely awful my family is finally laid bare (I mean I knew but at least I can stop feeling guilty about cutting them out of my life). So back to the 'second mom' shit, as relevant to my trauma brain processing the last few weeks. This whole shit above is just the tip of the iceberg. I was raised as a Joho in which a lot of my trauma comes from a pedophile left loose on three generations of girls in my family over a thirty year period, and if anyone came forward they were threatened with disfellowshipment and there is SO MUCH there it would take me several Tolkien novels to get how absolutely awful, extensive it was, and how the coverup went straight to the top. ANYHOO. So who was calling me my brother's 'second mom???' Well since, I wasn't allowed to have any association with non-witnesses, it was my congregation. No one questioned that I was being parentified and it was a deeply abusive situation. NO WHAT HAPPENED instead was, this sister in the congregation told everyone (when I was fifteen and 80 pounds soaking wet at the height of 5'10 1/2) that my brother WAS REALLY MY CHILD cause it was so obvious the way that I was the one who took care of him. And the elders of our congregation MARKED me as bad association for loose morals for having a supposed child out of wedlock when I was ELEVEN YEARS OLD. AND NO ONE in my congregation would talk to me, and I had NO IDEA why, cause they never told me that I HAD BEEN

MARKED. But the caveat was I was not allowed to talk to people outside of the faith. And we only found out about this a year an a half later when she said the same shit back in my hometown where he was born to a sister who was at the hospital where my brother was born. AND NO ONE thought, hey: maybe if we think she had a baby when she was eleven we should um CALL CHILD SERVICES or some shit? So i was like 16 1/2, not allowed to have any friends OUTSIDE OF MY PARENTS, find out THIS SHIT, and then people wonder why I had my first manic episode at 17??? Yeah, so this is where my brain has been stuck the last month, complicated that I knew I would be at risk for hypomania with things opening back up, and I'm supposed to be shooting a pilot for a potential series I'm the creator/co-shorunner of, so now I've had to go BACK on seroquel and it's the worst while i try to acclimatize myself to the drugs and stave off hypomania at the same time. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

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hotchley · 3 years

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hey sumayyah! i saw your sign!! I'm writing the JJ & Emily parts of the really out of the blue and shitty mini-whatever it is 💀 and hopefully I'll figure out how to shorten it or something lmaoo

but i wanted to come here and talk for awhile i guess

it's like, 2am where i am right now and I'm just so drained mentally like idk i can't seem to focus on getting all my work done (school work) and i just submitted a fake corrupted file to pass off as my homework because i haven't been able to finish it (it's not graded or anything it's just 2 biology practice papers for revision for the upcoming exam but they're really long & biology is not my strong subject......)

like I'm 60-70% done on both papers and yeah i feel so bad for doing what i did and i am still planning on finishing those 2 papers (both as legitimate practice/revision & just in case my teachers do check and decide to ask me to resubmit/send them the file through another channel) and idk i obviously can't really talk to any one in school about this so i came here.... sorry for this bout of negativity i just feel so drained inside and it's not even the first time.... I'm on my break right now (mid years break) but my break is ending in roughly 4-5 more days? and I've felt unmotivated and horrible throughout the entire break idk :/ idk if this is just burn out or something else.... I've been planning on finding a therapist/professional to talk to? but 1. i can't exactly do it "openly" because i come from a rather conservative family and mental health issues (& sexuality etc) aren't things we talk about in my family.... and 2. I'm still a full-time student & I'm not sure of what services are available + the costs and all the other concerns? so like idk I'm not even sure where to start :(

and because I've been feeling like cr*p most of the time the last 3 weeks, I've done absolutely nothing & so i have TONS of school assignments piled up (those that were due during the break I've finished (somehow lmao) and submitted, but those that are due AFTER the break when school reopens.... i have completely not touched) & the worst thing is I'm not even entirely sure what's my entire workload.... so i definitely have to start seriously getting my work done from tomorrow (technically today) onwards.... but like i genuinely have a hard time focusing on work and I'm not sure if it's just my issues with procrastination or if i have a genuine illness or something and i don't want to self diagnose so I've been trying to not think about this but lately it's been so hard because i can't even finish my work on time and exams are coming and it's just really affecting me? and it's getting worse? i don't even have anyone i can truly talk to about this irl too and SKDJSKSNS idk 😭😭

i am SO SORRY for all the negativity!!!!! i just felt so alone and really had to vent somewhere i am so sorry, feel free to delete this ask if you're uncomfortable 🥺

i hope you're having a much better day/night and i love you ❤️ your blog (& cm Tumblr) is really giving me hope & keeping me alive, if i can put it that way 🥺♥️♥️ thank you for being you, and thank you for simply existing. I'm sorry things got so depressing all of a sudden lmao I'll be fine (eventually, probably)

- 🌙

I feel like my answer got long, so I put it under the cut :)

YAY!

Also, I did see this when you initially sent it, but I'm working on boundaries and priorities, which is why I didn't answer it then- I just needed a break <3

Look, you're learning during a pandemic that has disrupted everything and caused a lot of pain and stress. One corrupted file does not make you a bad student. You're still going to try.

There were so many days during lockdown where I just... didn't submit any work, and then I would submit it later saying the thing broke- which seemed believable because the thing we used never functioned properly.

And we cannot be happy or perfect all the time. Sometimes we need to share our problems. I have always said you can talk to me, it just may take me a few days depending on my own situation, and I stand by that.

Sometimes breaks just make us more miserable. Sometimes it is just genuinely a phase that you will snap out of. Sometimes it isn't. Either way, you need to let yourself feel this. Don't try and bury it. That'll be worse.

So when it comes to therapists, if you've been thinking of seeing one, go for it. Chances are, it'll help.

I get what you mean. I don't know what it's like where you are, but in England, everyone over 16 has control over the medical stuff. That basically means your parents cannot be told what you're doing, and you can do things without their knowledge. If I wanted to make an appointment, I wouldn't need to tell them I was making it, or what was discussed. Neither can the doctors.

I asked one of my friends (I have consent to share this), and she said that she went through the BetterHelp website, and that it's really helping her. Now I know BetterHelp had some real serious problems, so I would be cautious, but that is one option. Hers is between £50-£60 a session, but there were cheaper options.

You could also go through your school!! My school has what is called a "well-being practitioner" who you can just go and see when you're feeling down, and it all remains confidential UNLESS they think intervention is needed. So you could see if there are any sessions they do, or if there's any help you can get from them :)

I have seen SO, SO many teachers on TikTok recently say two things: ask them for help if you need it, and they will give it, and just do something. I don't know what you're teachers are like, but they're probably stressed and burnt out too. If you need an extension or a break or help, they'll do their best.

And if you can't do everything, then just do one thing. Do your favourite subject, or the easiest thing. I know people say do the hardest thing first because then everything gets easier, but the one time I did that, I started crying and I gave up for a good three days so...

If you've done extensive research, then maybe it is something, and if you think that there is that, then you should try and get tested <3 and it's okay if there really is nothing. Sometimes brains are weird

You don't ever have to apologise for being human <3 Remember how I mentioned crying for twenty minutes to my history teacher? I said the same thing to him: that I feel bad talking about these things because everyone has their own problems. His response was: well yes, but there are so many people that want to help you. And they would tell you if you were being a burden.

You need to trust that. And it's hard. It's painful. It's difficult. But I promise you, telling someone will always be better than bottling it up- and this comes from the person that was pissed for six weeks because I got a phone call home from someone higher up because previously mentioned history teacher told them that I was not doing great

I love you too!!

And sometimes life gets you down! That's okay! Things will get better! Maybe this isn't healthy, but my thing is: things will work out, and things will get better because they need to, and I refuse to believe I am living a life where they won't.

You will be fine! I have every faith in you!!

#🌙anon #people talk to me

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toooldforfandom-liveblogs · 4 years

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She-Ra and the Princesses of Power S01E10 - The Beacon

My first thought after reading that title is "oh, the distress beacon Entrapta had in her castle." Maybe that's how they are going to find out she's alive? If it's even something that'll be dealt with this season. If it isn't that... hmm, I'm not sure what else it could be. Maybe something related to Glimmer's blocked powers? Or something related to She-Ra's powers?

I have no idea so let's do this!

I'm not sure what to think here. While in a practical sense she's right (why group the most important/powerful people in the world in one strike team instead of y'know using actual warfare and soldiers as a distraction), I doubt the show agrees with her.

I'm guessing there's some context that I'm missing, maybe whatever happened to the previous Princess Alliance was in part because they were together?

Well, this is a cheery way to start the episode.

Welp, everything they achieved during the season has been completely destroyed. I doubt Glimmer and Adora are going to blame each other but there's definitely going to be some self-blaming. Adora because of her plan, Glimmer for being captured.

Oof. Just oof.

lol at the mood whiplash between heavy emotions and defeat and this op

Ah, a precious new glimmer face that doesn't involve torture.

"nevermind, please carry me and let's not talk until next year"

That hesitance before saying loss is them reading through their Netflix contract figuring out if they can say death or not.

It's weird how they are both treating Entrapta's loss as serious business but also kinda lightly? I guess it makes sense if we consider no one really knew Entrapta so she's more like a long lost cousin than anything else. I'd still expect more... insistence from Angella though, Entrapta _did_ die saving her daughter.

Sure.

This is another one of those cases where I'm both thinking "this is really dumb" but also "it makes a ton of sense." From outside, this is the worst possible decision Glimmer could make right now, Angella has a lot more resources than they have to help her.

But, I completely understand _why_ Glimmer is being like that. It's one more excuse for her mom to keep overprotecting her and trying to escape that has been Glimmer's major motivation this season.

I have the feeling that recharging is going to make it worse since it means more energy to glitch out.

Can't believe Undyne Undertale works for the horde.

secret giggling Catra in the back

I'm glad that they went this way, with the flip-side of "takes all your credit" being "takes all the blame"

heeello there entrapta. Wow your death didn't last much at all.

nice callback to "Didn't you do something like this to relax in the horde?" "Uh, no. We hit things."

This is probably the one way Adora has to manage her stress.

welp

Can't believe this show is going to make me feel bad about angella.

Scorpia is an absolute treasure.

And now Catra meeting Entrapta in the Princess Ball has a reason. Because she already knows who she is, her first reaction is not to try and attack her but rather just a sigh because well, dealing with entrapta is worth a sigh.

Huh, that's an interesting tidbit to drop just like that. So Angella is immortal, is _Glimmer_ immortal too? How long has Angella lived? Long enough to have met the first ones?

Adora really needs to visit a therapist.

...ripe? What are they?

I bet this episode was the one reason they had to make it so high.

Of course she'd say that, it's a chance to see She-Ra in action _and_ to get healed. Win-win.

My brain is breaking while trying to figure out how Entrapta's hair works. Wouldn't making that second "tentacle" be enough to make the hair thin enough to escape? If she can make that second tentacle wouldn't it be incredibly easy to just move all her hair out of the shackles?

It's always refreshing to see "villains" that actually care for each other.

Catra is really good at manipulating people, probably thanks to Shadow Weaver's example, but the way she's using her own experiences makes it even better/worse.

Also interesting that they are hiding Entrapta's face.

The thing with Catra is that I can't tell when she's being honest. I _think_ she's genuinely sympathizing with Entrapta while at the same time planning how to use her. Like with Scorpia, she empathized with her but she also had a reason to do it. I wonder if that duality is going to cause her problems later on.

oh no, you're making me feel bad about Entrapta now.

my heart

I'm still thinking about that one picture with her and some robots that seemed to be taking the place of her parents. How many times has she been "left behind"?

Catra thinks she's being all evil and manipulative while Scorpia in the back is just going "yeah, that sounds right, worked for me"

I doubt Catra _wants_ to be protected but Scorpia is _such_ a good friend.

For some reason I don't really mind Entrapta joining the horde, I'm just hoping that they don't take advantage of her. That sounds weird but Scorpia _is_ happy there, why not Entrapta? There's always time for a heel-face turn later on.

She-Ra being a dork with super powers is one of the best parts of her entire character.

Can't wait to see Glimmer turned into a rainbow.

I'm never going to get sick of this joke.

Interesting. So the Horde doesn't know about the first ones? That seems wrong. I'm guessing they are actively blocking info about it and they actually want to destroy it.

Oh, the tower. With three episodes left maybe the finale is going to be there?

Yeah, I love this joke.

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. Even if it's true, that still gets an "ugh" from me, especially after that "I won't apologize" line.

Wait, what? Protect Bow? Oooooh, is Bow supposed to be her bodyguard?

I didn't expect the self-blame party to include Bow.

What with princesses liking arson. First RWBY and now She-Ra.

She's trying so hard to reconnect. I'm not a parent myself (thankfully) but I think everyone can at least understand the struggle to understand and connect with someone who seems to be pulling away.

Glimmer has some valid reasons to be doing it (teenager + being overprotected is a pretty bad combination) but I can't fault Angella too much for trying to do everything she can.

Of course, like most problems, it could get solved by talking, maybe this dinner is a chance?

Oof.

Wow.

I knew Glimmer had some issues with her self-esteem but damn, I didn't expect _this_. I guess this is the disadvantage of having an immortal parent who's also a queen. High expectations to live up to, self-imposed or not.

Daaaaaaaamn. Was it in battle or did Micah die rescuing her? It'd be an interesting parallel to Glimmer's kidnapping.

And, I hadn't really thought about this but, Micah being dead is a pretty good reason for Angella's "helicopter mom" tendencies.

Oooooooh, that's worse than I thought. And it explains why she's been mostly reactive in the war with Glimmer being the one who wants to take a more active role.

I'm still curious about what exactly happened in that battle and afterward. Have we heard how long was the first alliance? I can't remember, but it has to be less than 20 years ago considering Glimmer's age (unless she's also immortal and 300 years old)

Are Netossa and Spinerella also immortal? That'd explain why they look the same in the mural.

Aw, that got me teary-eyed a bit. It's probably not the end of their problems but they've at least started talking.

Lots of guilt all around

I was going to say "WHY DID YOU THROW AWAY THE SWORD" but there it is.

Vulnerability seems to be the theme of this episode. Or rather, choosing to be vulnerable or not.

The alliance is gone, Entrapta’s death is too much to bear and the princesses choose to all return to their own respective kingdoms, literally closing themselves off the world in the case of Frosta and Mermista.

We don’t see what happens with them afterward but everything that follows is about how that seems to be the worst choice to make.

Entrapta decides to help Catra not because she’s evil or wants revenge but because she finally feels understood. Would she have turned so easily if she _really_ believed in her new friends? How long has she lived alone in that castle? How many times has she been left behind or branded a problem because of her behavior? Sure, she usually acts like she doesn‘t care but that doesn‘t mean it‘s true.

Catra’s intentions are definitely not pure but she’s speaking from her own experiences and that’s enough to make the princess relate to her.

The opposite happens with Shadow Weaver. She refuses to be vulnerable and apologize, choosing to feed Catra a line with how it was all to prepare her. All this achieves is to alienate her further.

On the other side of the war, Glimmer spends the entire episode trying to avoid her mom, but it’s only after her insecurities explode and Angella opens up with her own that they can start mending their relationship and fix Glimmer’s glitching.

Adora is the clearest example, it takes dropping her defenses and revealing her self-doubt to herself and the world before the forest lets her through to the Beacon.

The best thing about all of this is that the episode didn’t beat me over the head with the “moral” of the episode. Besides Perfuma’s words, it’s all in how the characters act and the consequences. It has faith in the viewer to get it and that’s pretty neat.

Some jumbled thoughts:

* I’m not a big fan of diagnosing characters of real-life stuff but I wonder if Entrapta was written to be neurodivergent on purpose instead of just being an excuse to make her funny/frustrating.

* Bow seems to be the only one handling things more or less okay (even before they talk things out) but who knows, maybe he’s bottling it all up to explode in the future.

* I’m trying to guess what will happen next. They have to heal Glimmer and fix up the Alliance but neither of those things seems finale worthy. Maybe Angella is going to attack the Horde? There’s also the question of what’s going to happen with Adora and Catra, maybe another vision revealing more of what it all means?

* How long before the Princesses find out that Entrapta is alive? It’s probably going to be pretty sad, twice. First, when they find out they abandoned her in enemy territory and second when they realize she doesn’t want to go back with them.

I think that’s all for now, until next time!

#shera #shera liveblog #shera s01e10 #spop

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rahabs · 4 years

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How are you staying active during quarantine? I just tipped into 180lbs, highest I've ever been, and I'm getting really depressed about it 😔 I've only gained about 7-8 pounds due to the quarantine, but back in January I was at 163, and I'm really struggling with the fact that I'm back up again after how hard I've been working. It feel like I can't get the weight to stay off, now esp. (Sorry for the mini rant, but I actually followed you Bc of your fitness posts, I appreciate them a lot

Many hugs to you, Anon, and there is no need to apologise 🖤 You are definitely not alone. I have also been struggling a lot with my weight recently (I have deliberately been putting on muscle, about 25lbs of it, but it is still a struggle to do so and to feel sometimes like my work getting down from 210lbs is being reversed--I am up to 145-150lbs myself, even though I still fit most all of my clothes from when I was 122lbs), but please do not be too hard on yourself! Some of that weight gain might be muscle, but I understand how frustrating and demoralising it can be nonetheless, I really do. Like... I really, really cannot emphasise enough how much I understand and how much I get what you’re going through right now, and I wish with all my heart that you weren’t going through it, because it hurts and it makes you just feel awful and so I am really and truly wishing you all the best right now, but also I have the utmost faith in you and despite the setback it is nothing that you cannot fix going forward 🖤

To answer your question, I’ve been doing a mix of things, but the two biggest things for me are that I built myself a routine, and I try to just walk everywhere that I can. Also, I track in an app called MyFitnessPal, because I need to hold myself accountable. The gyms in my city have recently opened back up and I have usually been going five times a week (reduced capacity and you can only go for an hour, but I use every second of that hour because cardio is how I best manage OCD/PTSD/anxiety, and I love love love seeing some beloved familiar strangers at the gym--we all wave happily to each other, since we tend to book the same time slots 🖤), but before they opened up my biggest friend was just walking. I have a lot of joint issues due to my improperly healed torn hip flexor and my former obesity, so I can’t run, but you don’t need to run. Walking is your best friend. Or even household chores. I used to work for a landscaping company, so when I can I will help with the yardwork (even though I dislike it--I try to find ways to make it more fun, and I genuinely enjoy being out in the sun, so there’s that at least). I make sure things stay tidy, I’ve been writing a lot and trying to see friends when I can, or get out to hike in the mountains. If I go grocery shopping and I’m waiting in a line, sometimes I’ll lazily bicep-curl my grocery bags. I’ll walk to the mailbox, I’ll walk through the neighbourhood, I’ll walk to the grocery store or to the nearest gas station. My dogs are old so I cannot walk them anymore, especially since we are under a heat wave, but I’ll get up and play with them. Bottom line: if I could find somewhere to walk and an excuse to walk there, I would. When I couldn’t, I would sit down and exercise by following my favourite home workout YouTube channel. (Seriously, she is amazing; I’ve followed her for years, since her channel was just starting out. I just got a half-sleeve tattoo and cannot use a lot of gym equipment at the moment so I have gone back to her videos, as she provides a lot of modifications and alternatives and just so many good at-home exercises that you don’t need any fancy equipment for.)

The routine is the most important part, though. I need structure, and if I have structure I find that I am less likely to binge, because my brain won’t freak out as much (whether out of boredom or something else).

You might know this already but I’m a (recovering) binge-eater and I also eat when bored or stressed, so I’ve just been trying to occupy myself with things other than food. I had a really bad spot for awhile where I was doing really, really poorly in that department an binged every day, but I finally put my foot down last week and this is the longest that I’ve been binge-free in months. I also have BDD, which I am working on (hard going when my attempts to ask the people around me for help often fall on deaf ears).

I think it’s important to realise that fitness and weight loss isn’t always linear. There will be times where you falter and stumble and when that happens it’s important not to punish yourself--instead just accept and acknowledge that it’s happened and adapt for the future. Like a little AAA battery! Bodies are also weird, and sometimes they react to things strangely. I’m not a professional in any way, but since working to put on some muscle I have noticed that women’s bodies at least like... they are strange things sometimes. And I know it sounds weird, but try not to put too much emphasis on a number on the scale. I’m not saying “get rid of the scale!” or “smash the scale!” or anything silly like that because I think to some people having the scale is really important, so long as it doesn’t become something obsessive you fixate on (I have severe OCD, professionally diagnosed, so easier said than done, but it’s doable by adding it to the routine and picking one day a week where I check in), but make sure it doesn’t become a focal point of your weight loss.

Instead, just notice how your clothes are fitting. If you have body tape, you can use that too. Pick a favourite pair of jeans and just see how they fit over time, or a favourite bra, or something that doesn’t stretch as easily as yoga pants. Again, some of your recent weight gain might actually be muscle mass, especially if you aren’t noticing a lot of change in how your clothes from January fit. When I first hit 145lbs when I was first losing the weight, I didn’t look like I do at my current 145-150lbs, after having got down to 120 and then making the decision to put some muscle back on. Save for some jean shorts that I bought at my lowest weight, because I build thick muscles in my thighs, I still fit all the clothes I bought and wore at 120lbs--including my fitted dresses, my Stampede jeans, most of my bras, and the pair of “check Lulus” I bought because those things are without mercy. I also have a couple really good friends I check in with who know me and who I can trust to tell me the truth when I cannot perceive it myself. And, when I’m being honest with it (which I am trying really hard to be again), I have MyFitnessPal, which has been with me through thick and thin.

If you can, I would recommend a good fitness tracker, too. Fitbit is really good and user-friendly. I have a Garmin now, because Fitbit doesn’t make adult watches or watch bands small enough for my ridiculous baby bird wrists, but I had my Fitbit for years before that and it saw me through the vast majority of my weight loss/fitness quest. It can be very helpful to just help you gauge where you are; most people grossly overestimate how active they actually are, and if you’re up for it, a tracker can be helpful in giving you empirical data from which you can base some better decisions around.

And just do you best to stay active. I do not know if you have any gyms where you live or if they’re open, but I would really recommend getting a membership, though I totally understand that gyms are not for everyone. If not, I really do recommend checking out that youtube channel I linked (Koboko Fitness), and just doing your best to walk wherever there’s the option to walk (and it won’t cause undue hardship/pain/etc). Lift some boxes around the house. Turn doing the dishes into a stretching exercise. If you’re familiar with yoga, do yoga (I do not because I am not familiar with it and it can be dangerous to people like me with joint issues to start if you don’t have anyone around who can tell you if you’re doing it right, but my younger sister is working on a cert and she does yoga daily, even with the baby bump). Many gyms are offering online classes right now too, including the gyms I go to (GoodLife Fitness in Canada), so they can be worth checking out too!

But also just know you’re not in that boat alone. Many people are struggling right now, including myself, so if you ever need to chat my inbox and my DMs are always open (and I can toss my Discord handle out too if that helps), because a support system can really make all the difference. I never had one for the longest time, and so when I fell back on old, bad habits it took me awhile to pull myself out of it (again). I really can talk about this forever but I will stop myself now because I am a chatty cathy but! Please feel free to send messages whenever you want, Anon, and please be kind to yourself! I know it’s scary and I know it’s disappointing because I have been there many a time but you can do this, I believe in you! You’ve had a setback but it isn’t anything that can’t be fixed/corrected and I have faith that you will be able to get back on the proverbial horse and mow down Alexander’s armies in a way that would make the Achaemenids proud 🖤 I hope this helped in some way and that I was able to answer your question!

#weight loss #fitness #long post #text #mens sana in corpore sano #ed mention #ed for cw #anonym #ask #reply

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neurodivergentcosmos · 4 years

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Wherever You Go, There’s a Forest of Arden (Ch. 2)

Here’s the final chapter! Thank you everyone for reading and I hope you enjoyed it! You can find Chapter 1 here.

Arden gingerly sat on the edge of couch, wrapping the tangle around their fingers, unwrapping, and then rubbing it between their palms. They took a deep breath, letting the sound of their hands against the tangle calm them for a moment. “Here you go,” Mr. Fell said as he handed them a mug of hot cocoa and sat in the chair across from them, hands clasped in front of him. “Thank you,” Arden replied and held the mug close to their chest and took a few sips before putting it down on the table.

Mr. Fell gave Arden a soft smile, “What is your name?”

“Arden.”

“Oh!” Mr. Fell beamed. “I was just looking over an edition of As You Like It, I don’t know if you are familiar with it…”

“I actually chose to name myself Arden after I read it for the first time!” Arden flapped their hands excitedly. “It’s gender neutral and all of the characters just discovered in the Forest of Arden what the world could be like and could express themselves freely…” They trailed off and noticed their hands. I can’t move like that I need to keep that…They saw Mr. Fell flapping his hands with an expression of complete joy. Oh…I can flap here.

Mr. Fell’s expression shifted to concern as he asked, “You don’t have to tell me, but I am wondering if something happened?” Arden hesitated, “I-I don’t want to burden you…” “You won’t,” Mr. Fell responded firmly. Arden drank and stimmed with the tangle, nerves rising. “It’s trivial really but um I’m getting a flu shot for the first time tomorrow. I know that’s a weird thing to be anxious about… well for context I’m autistic and when I was diagnosed my mom turned to anti-vaccine ideology for answers. She… she wanted a neurotypical child.” Arden took another steadying breath. “That ideology was all I knew; I didn’t know of any other way to live. To everyone, being normal was the only way to live a good life. I worked hard to be a normal person, but I always failed. Because I believed all this, I felt…um…that my whole being was wrong. A couple years ago, I suddenly just couldn’t try to be normal anymore. Thanks to the Internet, I learned the truth. I realized that I was born autistic and that it isn’t a bad thing to be. I needed to accept myself so I can live. The people around me refused to understand so I moved away when I could. The shot tomorrow has caused a lot of the fear I internalized from that time to come back and I’m just scared that maybe that I will always have that fear.”

Arden looked up nervously, Oh God was that too much?, but Mr. Fell’s expression was different. For a moment, his face embodied a deep rage that remained within yet encompassed years of witnessing the world’s injustices, making Arden wonder, how many people have come here at their lowest point and told him of their pain? His expression then shifted to quiet sadness, “Forgive me, dear, it is just that your experience happens to remind me of my own. You’ve been very brave. In an ideal world, being who you are should not have to be brave, but sadly the universe doesn’t seem to be there yet. While my experience is different, the, um, community I came from held a worldview of the universe that’s similar.” Arden leaned forward, listening intently.

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“It was more of a strict view of God’s plan,” Mr. Fell continued. “It was very ‘This is the One Truth and one day everyone will realize that.’ I believed in their view deeply, but the community always treated me as inherently wrong no matter what. I suppressed anything odd about the ways I move and speak, yet that didn’t change anything. Then I met Anthony.” Mr. Fell’s face lit up with the light of infinite suns. “He showed me such a new way of thinking about the universe. His vision of a world where everyone has autonomy was so beautiful. For the first time, I saw that perhaps I could live a life of my own choosing. At first, I tried to nip my new ideas in the bud, but I began to question the community and became disillusioned. Anthony’s vision of the world was now my vision too, and we could make that vision reality together. So I chose to reject it all and start anew. Now Anthony and I have been partners for a long time. I run this bookshop while he tries to yell at his plants less in our flat above when he’s not in the bookshop. While I often do have difficult days where I feel ashamed of my past, I know I have this life right here and I couldn’t be happier.”

Arden felt that they could breathe again for the first time in a long time. “Thank you for sharing that with me. I don’t have a lot of words right now, but I didn’t think I’d ever get to meet someone who went through a similar experience and I just—thank you.” “Of course,” Mr. Fell answered.

Arden leaned back in the chair, lost in thought. “ I remember that when my mom told me about the anti-vaccine treatments, she said that my ‘recovery’ was a miracle thanks to God. That really messed up how I feel about God. Did you struggle to believe after everything?”

“What you believe is entirely your choice. I was disillusioned over the community’s view of God, but I wanted to have faith in Her. So I chose how I believe in Her. The way certain people twist who God is to harm others…” Aziraphale paused, passion rising as he went on, “I think, Arden, God created you as you are because She believes in you as you are. God transcends any idea of “normal” so you never need to be “normal” for God. Miracles are not about attempting to take away an identity essential to who you are. They’re about being alive. Taking in a beautiful view of London at sunset is a miracle. Surviving the worst and using your experience to help others live is a miracle. Discovering who you are is a miracle. In those moments, I think God is present within us. I got carried away, but I hope that helps.” Arden, lost for words for a minute, took a few breaths to process everything. But Mr. Fell’s belief gave them peace that they didn’t realize they were looking for until now. “I’m still questioning my beliefs, but your words help enormously. Your view of God is beautiful. You make believing in God make sense.”

“Thank you, I’m truly glad,” Mr. Fell replied.

“I hope the world can be more built for people like me one day.”

“So do I.”

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The two of them sat in comfortable silence for a couple minutes, Arden in wonder over the sequence of events. I’m not alone in this. “Oh! I’m afraid I have to cut our time short—Anthony is coming home soon to take us to try a new Italian restaurant tonight. I really enjoyed talking with you and please come here whenever you’d like,” Mr. Fell wiggled with joy. “I really enjoyed talking to you too, and I definitely will come back,” Arden flapped. As they put the tangle back in the stim box—

“Arden? Before you go...” “Yeah?” “I see that you’re struggling to move forward. Perhaps you could remember the Forest of Arden. Once the characters stepped in it, they could reject the norms of the court and learn what the world could be without that. They became better people. Everyone transformed because the forest gave them freedom to discover themselves for the first time. As you continue to discover yourself, you’ll flourish. Then others with similar experiences who feel lost can find you and you can help them grow into Forests of Arden for even more people. So many people have transformed the world that way. I think you could be a Forest of Arden.”

“God, you’re going to make me cry,” Arden smiled and ran a hand over their watering eyes. “You are one too. Thank you, for everything.” “Of course.” Arden walked out of the bookshop on to a quiet street, sun setting in front of them. They stood still, watching its purple, pink, and orange hues transform the sky into something so extraordinary that even that word couldn’t capture the wonder of it all. Arden tipped their head back and hummed. I’m transforming, and it’s a miracle.

#good omens #good omens fic #my fic #aziraphale #autistic aziraphale #autistic original character #arden #cw trauma mention #cw ableism mention #cw anti vaccine mention #as you like it #guardian angel aziraphale #arden is going to be okay #maybe that means i'll be okay too

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minabels · 4 years

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“How to be a financially prepared Adult”

by: Carmina Rafael

Indeed nowadays, it is really hard to save money because of the high cost of living whether in the province or in the city. I admit I was one of those people who had a hard time budgeting my income for my family’s necessities back then. At 19 years old, I was a single mom and the breadwinner of the family. Being raised in a poor family, I learned to value hard-earned money and spend it wisely. However, on my part, there is a guilt feeling with not being able to save for my child’s future. Also, we do not have enough cash ready for emergencies like sickness, so whenever it happens, we seek help from relatives. Being a high school graduate back then, life is tough and got fewer options and resources to turn to. My parents were not able to send me to college due to financial problems. I don’t want to have the same fate for my daughter. I remember a long time ago, my mom had to work for a couple of months for my aunt so that she can bring home little food and medicine as my father was sick. It’s painful being helpless and I don’t want to repeat history. We were a typical family that is among those that they call “ isang kahig, isang tuka”.

For years of working, I tried selling different kinds of products for extra income. I also do part-time job during a day off. I use it to sustain my daily allowance so that my whole salary can go to my family. I also tried to go back to school sometime, but odds were not in my favor. It is prioritizing necessities first before anything else because I have mouths to feed. Then eventually, with hard work, faith, and prayer, my life became better. I got better opportunities. I secured a better job and it became my stepping stone.

I remember one time, I read a random quote that says, if I was born poor, it is not my fault. But if I die poor, it is my fault. Ever since it was always for the family and never thought of myself. What would my life be when I get old? Am I ready? When will I be ready? Then I realized that maybe, it is time for a change and somehow give myself a time also to grow. I realized that I don’t want to be financially dependent when I am old. That would probably be the reason why I became a financial advisor now. Financial literacy is not something that our country is giving attention to. We are accustomed to the culture of helping our family to the point of teaching them to be dependent. I understand that we Filipinos are very family-oriented that we wanted to always look on our families all the time. But I realized that, before helping them, I should help myself first.

For people who share the same sentiments as mine, I want to share with you guys the things I did to be financially prepared for life’s uncertainties most especially in this trying time. It is a long process that requires motivation, consistency, and discipline but believe me it is all going to be worth it.

1. INVEST ON LEARNING - Since I was a high school graduate, it took time for me to get myself to college juggling work and studies and at the same time. Do not pity, instead, help yourself to go back in track so that you will not be left behind. Also, attend trainings, seminars and short courses that will help you gain knowledge and improve your skills. This can help you find a better job with better compensation or can help you build a business. They say, no one will help you except yourself. Always surround yourself with positive and motivated people, it will help you to push and do more.

2. Get insurance - I never thought that this intangible product can be helpful in reaching a long term goal. We as the breadwinners should also have income protection. If your car/gadget or house has insurance, why haven’t you, right? It will cover the unexpected happenings in our life like sickness and accidents. In my case, I do not want to burden my family since they have little for themselves. I got insurance with life coverage of 2M and 1M for critical illness if ever I would be diagnosed with covered illnesses including stroke. It is in our bloodline since it is the cause of my father’s death so I might as well prepare for it. Besides, I don't have a hefty amount of cash as such if in case I will be needing it for hospitalization. If my time comes, I will not have to worry about how my family will pay for the debts that I would be leaving them.

3. Invest in stock market – Buy shares from big companies. Invest in the stock market. It will help with your short term goal or in time emergencies. It does not need to be a huge amount. Some insurance companies offer life insurance and investment in one, better talk to a licensed financial advisor. As for me, I started my investment 2 years ago with a manageable amount and consistently paying for it. The amount blossomed not that much but fair enough compared with the time frame. It is as if you are part of the business but someone else is managing it.

4. Live within your means- it is not bad to have leisure and buy something you want, we only live once. But always know your boundaries or up to what percentage of your earnings are you willing to spend. Every time we plan for a vacation with family, I plan it months before so that I can have enough time to save while not having to rip my pocket. I list down for budgeting and always look for sale. I don’t buy expensive things, I am a fan of “tiangge”. Being affordable does not mean being cheap, it is being practical.

5. Build personal savings- at least set aside an amount that you can manage to keep for a long time and will not use it for something unnecessary. It is ideal to have an equivalent to a 6-month salary for savings. But don’t get rush, you’ll get there. It will be helpful in case of an emergency like this pandemic COVIOD-19. You will not have to worry about tomorrow because you have enough cash ready that can sustain you longer and will not only rely on the government's help.

6. List down expenses- List down all your priority bills so that you won’t skip it. Write down all your expenses especially for someone like me who is always forgetful. It will help you backtrack records and the money you spent.

So there! These are the things I did and still doing now. Being financially ready does not mean you need to be rich. It is being worry less for things that most people bother about. It is waking up every day knowing that you have at least the resources you need to secure yourself in times of need. I hope you guys learned something that will be helpful for you in some ways.

Thanks for reading! :)

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matteredloyaltyaa · 4 years

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really LONG CHARACTER SURVEY. RULES.

repost , don’t reblog ! tag 10 ! good luck !

TAGGED. I stole it. TAGGING. Go for it. lol

FULL NAME : Arthur M/organ NICKNAME : A handful. English, Cowboy/Cowpoke, Black Lung, etc. Common aliases are Tacitus Kilgore and Arthur Callahan. AGE : 36. BIRTHDAY : January 25th, 1836. ETHNIC GROUP : Caucasian. NATIONALITY : American. LANGUAGE / S : English, primarily. Knew a handful of Welsh thanks to his father, but it’s faded with disuse. SEXUAL ORIENTATION : Bisexual, somewhat closeted. ROMANTIC ORIENTATION : Biromantic, somewhat closeted. RELATIONSHIP STATUS : Verse dependent, single-ship with @notanoutlaw in most. CLASS : Lower/working HOME TOWN / AREA : Arthur just mentions he was born “up north”, I headcanon around the Oregon area, possibly California due to his mother’s favorite flower, but it’s uncertain. Though, the place he laments the most about is New Austin, or “out west”. CURRENT HOME : Transitory, he moves with the gang. PROFESSION : Outlaw, occasional bounty hunter.

PHYSICAL. HAIR : Light brown, dark blonde in some lights. EYES : Unique eye colour, blue-grey-sorta hazel. NOSE : Average, dimpled. Scarred from fighting and getting it broken a couple times. FACE : Somewhat sharp features in the brow and cheekbones, square jaw. LIPS : Full, can be dry/chapped. COMPLEXION : Somewhat clear? Hard to tell. Dry, dirt spattered sometimes. BLEMISHES : Uncertain. SCARS : A handful. Most notable are the one he has on his chin that is most visible with shorter facial hair, one across his nose, and the one left on his shoulder by the O’Driscolls in chapter 3. TATTOOS : N/A HEIGHT : 6′0, possibly 6′1 WEIGHT : Uncertain, fluctuates. BUILD : Stocky, broad shouldered and he can be fairly intimidating, especially when his weight is about average or above. FEATURES : Look above? ALLERGIES : N/A USUAL HAIR STYLE : Right parted, about 3-5 in length. Though, for people who don’t know the system--fairly short, tufts out around his ears and may reach the back of his neck before he cuts it again. USUAL FACE LOOK : Expression wise, his kind of got a resting irritated face, sometimes bored. Rarely clean shaven unless he has to be, usually keeps a fair amount of stubble. USUAL CLOTHING : I change him too much to say. Tends to keep his heavy navy blue winter jacket, jeans/ranch pants, some sort of button up shirt, and sometimes his tan leather jacket. Tends to keep his hat, however, unless he needs to go without.

PSYCHOLOGY. FEAR / S : Arthur has a mild one of change. He’s adaptable but he’s very sentimental and nostalgic, he will miss “old ways” and previous places. There’s also losing his usefulness, disappointing those who depend on him (much as he will get defensive when it happens). Post-Guarma, he does develop a fear of drowning. It won’t keep him from swimming, but getting swept or held underwater may cause some panic. Post-game au, he does fear about getting sick again and actively avoids doctors. ASPIRATION / S : Uncertain, just wants to get out of the mess he’s in and eventually just wants a calm existence somewhere. However, once he’s diagnosed with TB, his main goal is getting those who want/will listen to him out of the gang as it starts to fall down. POSITIVE TRAITS : Caring, compassionate (to people he knows, might not be clear on first impression), intelligent (much as he may say the opposite and isn’t exactly book smart), observational, brave, humorous (in certain situations and may be a cover sometimes), friendly (somewhat, changes as he ages), artistic, creative, loyal, etc. NEGATIVE TRAITS : Violent, murderer (doesn’t do it without reason but he knows he’s killed more than he certainly should), defensive, (passive) aggressive, sarcastic, depressive, self-deprecating, selfish, rude (sometimes intentional, sometimes not), conflicted, stubborn, reckless (sometimes, has mellowed out with age but it’s still there), self destructive (sometimes), money-driven (not always a flaw but he’s easily swayed by money). MBTI : ISFJ-T - Turbulent Defender ZODIAC : Aquarius TEMPERAMENT : Phlegmatic-Melancholic ANIMALS : I’m not going to take the quiz because the game is very heavy handed with the whitetail buck motif for high honor Arthur. lol VICE HABIT / S : Smoking, drinking, etc. FAITH : Non-religious. GHOSTS ? : Generally, the existence of ghosts isn’t something he completely writes off after he’s witnessed the few in the game, but he’s also hard pressed to admit to believing in them outright. AFTERLIFE ? : Not in any sort of defined sense. He’ll often say he doesn’t believe in one or it won’t be a nice one for him if there is, but he finds himself nervous about the subject once he gets sick. REINCARNATION ? : He doesn’t know enough about it. ALIENS ? : Not really? Doesn’t really know he’s looking at a UFO when he sees it. POLITICAL ALIGNMENT : Don’t start. ECONOMIC PREFERENCE : Uncertain. SOCIOPOLITICAL POSITION : Uncertain. EDUCATION LEVEL : Does not have a formal education on even the basic levels (primary, high school, etc), however Hosea and Dutch have taught him to read and write and he’s learned a handful of things when it comes to survival and his lifestyle. However, he’s not exactly book smart or the “book learnin’ type”.

FAMILY. FATHER : Lyle M/organ, deceased. MOTHER : Beatrice M/organ, deceased. SIBLINGS : No blood related, but considers John as one along with a couple other members of camp. EXTENDED FAMILY : He has a few uncles, aunts, and cousins, but he’s not in touch. Issac, his son, and his mother, Eliza, who are both deceased. Mary L/inton/Gillis, ex-fiance. (Cain Kennedy, lover - @notanoutlaw) NAME MEANING / S : Arthur - English, “noble, courageous”, Morgan - (and I’m going against what’s been said in fandom) - Celtic/Welsh surname, comes from Old Welsh name Morcant - “mor” as “sea” and “cant” as “circle”. HISTORICAL CONNECTION ? : Uncertain in the game, but it’s been pointed out about King Arthur and also Morgan le Fay, which highlights his struggle with good vs evil themes in his character.

FAVOURITES. BOOK : Uncertain, mostly non-fiction. MOVIE : -- 5 SONGS : -- DEITY : Doesn’t know enough to give a favorite. HOLIDAY : Christmas, in a way. Not quite for the religious context, but he enjoys the hunting and cooking the gang does to celebrate, singing and talking over fires. He remembers it vividly when he was younger, so it’s stuck with him. MONTH : April-May. SEASON : late spring, early summer. PLACE : He likes most places in wilderness, give him something with a view and he’s good. WEATHER : Sunny, average weather. Not too hot, not too cold. SOUND : Rain, birds, etc. SCENT / S : Again, rain, campfires, etc. TASTE / S : Prefers savory over sweet. FEEL / S : Weightlessness in his limbs once he’s able to sit/lay down after a long day, fingers in his hair, etc. ANIMAL / S : Horses, dogs, cats, animals. NUMBER : He hasn’t given it much thought. COLOUR : Blues, greens, deeper colours.

EXTRA. TALENTS : Sharpshooting, Arthur’s got impeccable aim and speed when using guns, there’s also his drawing, he’s getting fairly good at tracking, etc. BAD AT : Admitting to mistakes, expressing himself emotionally, adhering to rules, anything overly scientific, etc. TURN ONS : Sense of humor, confidence or self-assurance, kindness and/or compassion, dark hair, etc. TURN OFFS : Hypocrisy (much as he suffers from that himself), cockiness (has a limit before confidence becomes a turn off), excessive or needless cruelty, etc. HOBBIES : Drawing, writing in his journal, hunting, wandering around/sight seeing, etc. TROPES : Anti-Hero/Anti-Villain,The Atoner, The Big Guy, Jerk with a Heart of Gold, Obfuscating Stupidity, etc. AESTHETIC TAGS : Horses, old west, deserts, nature, gun slinging, writing, drawing, photography, etc.

FC INFO. MAIN FC / S : R/oger Clark, mainly in game icons so I haven’t found a need for one. ALT FC / S : -- OLDER FC / S : -- YOUNGER FC / S : -- VOICE CLAIM / S : R/oger Clark GENDERBENT FC / S :

MUN QUESTIONS. Q1 : if you could write your character your way in their own movie , what would it be called , what style would it be filmed in , and what would it be about ? A1 : I actually REALLY enjoy the game’s story line, much as I feel the redemption through death is overplayed and not as deep as people make it out to be. I’d find a way to subvert that or some alternative, but idk. I like the game’s story. lol

Q2 : what would their soundtrack / score sound like ? A2 : Western-y. IDK? The game’s soundtrack is actually really good too so. Q3 : why did you start writing this character ? A3 : I love his development and progression as a character, and even with the trailers where he seemed no more than an angry outlaw there was a part of me that was still “hmm” about writing him. Ultimately, he’s grown to mean a lot to me and I really enjoy writing for him on this blog. Q4 : what first attracted you to this character ? A4: As mentioned above, Arthur probably has one of the best character progressions I’ve seen in a while imo. Even in the beginning, I went in under the impression that I’d be playing as this outlaw so the violence and gruffness wasn’t too much of a surprise, much as I wasn’t too attached until later chapters in the game because of this. However, as I spent more time playing as him and reading his journal, seeing how he interacts with strangers and people he loves, he has some depth to him and some deep rooted flaws and insecurities that are played very well in the game. He’s probably one of the few character deaths I’ve cried over. lol Q5 : describe the biggest thing you dislike about your muse. A5 : I have to be truthful, Arthur’s an asshole. lol I didn’t like and still don’t like him from Colter into Horseshoe in behavior and personality, much as it’s lessened from my first play of the game because I know what happens to him and how he grows. However, while he’s not blind to himself and how he acts, he doesn’t think for himself really. Even if he hates debt collecting, he does it for the gang and even tells Strauss he does it for pleasure at a point (sarcastic or not, considering they are talking about Thomas, a man trying to raise money for charity while suffering poverty himself on top of having TB), he does whatever Dutch tells him, among many other things. It’s not until later in the game that the theme of grasping redemption comes into play, and he starts to act and think for himself a little more once things start to spiral. As much as I love him with all my heart, Arthur’s got some deep flaws that are hard to ignore. Q6 : what do you have in common with your muse ? A6 : HHHhh. I’d say we suffer from similar self-esteem issues, not just in body image but morality of character (much as his are way more complicated than mine jaksfha), we also have a similar sense of humor...Yeah, idk. I’m attached to him as a character and I can relate to him in certain ways, but it’s hard to pinpoint. Q7 : how does your muse feel about you ? A7 : Idk, he’s pixels? Though, for the sake of a fun answer, I genuinely don’t know? We can be fairly similar in mannerisms and thought process (at points), but I have no idea if we’d actually get along if by some universe rip we were able to meet. Q8 : what characters does your muse have interesting interactions with ? A8: I don’t want to get specific, I interact with a lot of interesting characters. Anybody who’s put me out of a comfort zone or forced me to look at Arthur in the different way has definitely stood out. Q9 : what gives you inspiration to write your muse ? A9 : The game itself is a good source, I enjoy putting up lets plays of it in the background sometimes if I’m struggling or just need something that isn’t music. I get more muse putting together blog playlists than playing them, but there’s that, too. Also generally plotting or talking about him can pull some to the forefront. Q10 : how long did this take you to complete ? A10 : An hour or so, I think?

#hey i'm already damned . || about .#ain't us who changed . || headcanon .#/// long post #[I love how once it got into paranormal experiences I had to account for the fact some of those things exist as things in canon lmao]

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saidelia-draconis · 4 years

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29. A memory they can’t let themselves forget

The rows of lit torches flickering in their sconces burned dimly. It was late in the evening. The brazier that Saidelia sat by was burning low. All but coals had burned away by now. She finally heard the rhythmic tapping against the door. The latch clicked. A face appeared. The man was dark-skinned, bald, and wore a soft, serene smile.

“Good evening, Captain Draconis. I’ll see you now, please.”

Saidelia nodded, slowly standing to her feet, and swiftly crossing the threshold. Once the two were in the room together, they exchanged a brisk handshake. He was a kind, gentle soul that she had met several times prior. Isaiah Morland. He wore a dark, velvet frock with sharp outlines and a stiff collar. On his chest was the brilliant star of the Argent Crusade. The man gestured towards a chair across from his desk. Saidelia sat without complaint. He settled in across from her, brushing his papers aside to clear the desk.

��I am glad to see you again, Captain Draconis. We never seem to have much to do with each other, do we.”

“It is good to see you as well, high priest. How can I be of service?”

The man idly stroked the stubble on his chin, surveying the paladin carefully. He gestured towards a dusty shelf with several cupboards underneath. Old bottles with faded labels lined the shelf.

“In due time. But first, I suppose it would be good of us to catch up. Can I get you anything? Tea, coffee? As I recall, you don’t drink. Correct?”

“Correct, sir. Tea, if you have it. Doesn’t matter what.”

“Excellent choice. Tea it is. If that’s the case, I think we’ll have a pot of my favorite, white with rosehips. Is that acceptable?”

“Yes, sir. Thank you.”

He busied himself with the kettle, a process which Saidelia was all too familiar. Serving tea during meetings was a trick she had learned from the high priest himself. He glanced over his shoulder at the woman as he worked.

“Captain, if it’s all the same to you, it’s just the two of us, Isaiah is fine.”

“Of course, sir. Sorry. Of course, Isaiah. Is there anything I can do in the meantime?”

“Nothing in particular. Tell me, how have you fared recently? It’s been quite some time since we’ve seen each other. I’m afraid I’ve been neglecting our friendship.”

Friendship felt a touch familiar for someone Saidelia had met a handful of times at best. Though she saw no need to correct him. The favor of a high priest was rarely a burden. He set the kettle down in front of them, leaving only a few minutes for the tea to finish steeping. He poured each of them a cup.

“If I can be honest? Restless. I don’t feel useful sitting in Stormwind with my thumb… Sorry. Well, you know what I was going to say. I don’t feel like I’m being utilized properly.”

Isaiah nodded, a twinge of unease creeping into his features. He watched her for a moment. He blew a whiff of steam off of his cup, taking a small sip. He resumed his gentle, comforting gaze, focused on Saidelia once more.

“Yes, I’m afraid I do know what you are referring to. And I don’t just mean your choice of words.”

His words were glib and friendly, but his tone soon shifted again as he leaned forward. He took another sip of his tea, causing Saidelia to mimic him. The taste was smooth, fragrant, and calming. It almost made the visit feel like a social call. He was no longer smiling his calm, pleasant smile. He looked much more reserved and serious.

“Saidelia, I am sure you have noticed that your duties have been waning since your last evaluation, correct?”

“Yes… Was it because of something I said?”

“Yes and no. It was what you mentioned to our psychiatrist. Do you remember?”

“Nothing specific. Do I have anything to worry about, sir?”

Isaiah sighed deeply, taking another small sip of his tea, eyes on the paladin. He nodded.

“I am afraid so, yes. It wasn’t that you said anything wrong. You’re certainly not being punished. You’ve given years of faithful, and exemplary service. We’re all quite impressed with you.”

“Why do I get the feeling this isn’t your way of putting me up for another medal?”

“Saidelia. Captain Draconis. This isn’t something I take lightly. Nor is it something I relish. You told our psychiatrist you’ve been hearing… Voices. She diagnosed you with Saronite poisoning, yes? Among a few other things, if I recall.”

Saidelia leaned forward, her elbows on the man’s desk as she sipped her tea. She put it aside for the moment. She had grown wary. The familiarity between them had vanished. The apprehension in Saidelia’s voice had grown all the more prevalent.

“Is there something you’re trying to say to me, sir?”

“I’m afraid that they’ve seen fit to relieve you of duty… With honors, of course. Distinguished service, and the like.”

Saidelia froze. She heard Isaiah’s words, hardly able to believe them.

“They what?”

“You’re to be considered medically retired. In your years of service to the Crusade, you’ve sustained what we call a ‘Critical break potential.’”

“Hold on, stop. I have a what? What does that mean, you think I’m going to snap?”

“In plain words, yes. We believe it is possible for you to snap, as you put it. Please keep in mind, this wasn’t an easy decision. Of course, we have a pension that–”

Saidelia suddenly rose to her feet, hands on his desk as she stared down at Isaiah. She looked a mix of incredulous and infuriated.

“Wait, wait, wait. Just because I might snap - without even a shred of evidence - you think you can just kick me out?”

“Saidelia, you are not being kicked out, as you say. We can’t take away your years of service.”

“But what, you can sure ignore them? Morland, I have given my entire life to the Crusade. I’ve lost friends, my childhood, shit, my only real family! Fuck sakes, it’s been my home since I was a kid!”

“And I would never take that from you. You are of course allowed to retain your title. You are still a knight-captain in our ranks, and your knighthood will hold outside of our service. But look at it from my point of view, Saidelia. You admitted to our psychiatrist that you are experiencing delusions and that you have a hard time understanding what is and isn’t real. What is to happen when we hand you a blade and put you in charge of soldiers?”

Saidelia hammered a plated fist into the desk. Morland didn’t even jump. His eyes lingered on her fist for a moment. Even his expression remained the same. He cleared his throat, only to have the paladin shout over him.

“Saidelia, I–”

“You can’t do this to me! I’m a Crusader! It’s who I am, and if you think–”

Isaiah drew in a breath. Once Saidelia paused, he took the time to cut in. He was done listening.

“Knight-Captain Draconis, that is enough. I am sorry that things have turned out this way for you, but that does not give you the right to take it out on me. This decision was not mine alone, and your martyr complex is not only a dangerous attitude for yourself, it would jeopardize anyone we put under your command. What you seem to be forgetting is that I have always been on your side. I have tried to help you in the past. I have tried to get you other opportunities away from the front lines, or in civilian life, but my advice has fallen on deaf ears. I cannot help you if you do not want to move on, but I do not have to give you a platform to put yourself or the good men and women under you in danger. You are to receive recognition for your years of distinguished service, and enough lodging and compensation to see you through your retirement. We feel that this is more than fair, and as a personal favor, I am seeing fit to strike our little disagreement from our records. Do I make myself clear?”

Saidelia’s jaw was clenched. Her fists were balled. Her stance was tense. She gazed venomously down at Isaiah, who hadn’t so much as risen from his seat. Even his voice was still relatively calm, considering. She swiped at her teacup, spilling it on the desk. It suddenly became clear why he had cleared it prior to her arrival. He simply stared back at her. Nothing seemed to surprise him in their encounter. His duties were vast, and he had seen similar outbursts before. When at last Saidelia spoke, her voice was flecked with emotion, the paladin struggling to find her words.

“I am leaving. I don’t want your fucking pity. You and this fucking circus you call an order. You’ve grown stupid and lazy sitting behind a desk. You won’t be ready for the next disaster. You need me.”

As Saidelia started to storm off, Isaiah’s voice could be heard. He was still cool and even oddly humane, despite the woman’s obvious tailspin.

“For what it’s worth, I am sorry.”

She didn’t look back.

(Thank you so much @bigdumbchicken for the ask!)

#Asks #Backstory #Prompts #Writing

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baby-bibang · 4 years

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BER-MONTHS BLUES

INTRODUCTION

Have you ever worked so hard, on something, for someone, or maybe just for your own personal goals? Yet, you are on a consistent roll of let-downs. An embodiment of Sisyphus, forever rolling up a rock up hill, to see it roll down, then repeating the process over and over again.

Have you felt the weight of negativity cast upon the positivity of our faith in humanity, after constant reminder of the cruelty and evil amongst the people we put our hope and trust? All of these instances, you end up feeling tired; You’d think you had enough. Well, as much as these things may logically result to the downward spiral of one’s mental health, the perceived cause is not present on those who are dealing with the same problem I’m having.

There is no single or multiple insensitive person, influencing external event, or any other excuse that one wishes to have to be able to put blame on anything. There is no finding a closure, or an explanation to the mess their dealing daily. This hypothetical gravity, bringing one’s mind down six feet under, suffocating, in chains, confused but sober, is a constant puzzle to me.

BACKGROUND

See, as an intellectual, a future psychologist, we try to put order in what is chaotic. Using old pigeon-holes or making new ones to satisfy the need to light up the darkness we call unknown. Is it ADHD? Is it Depression (unlikely)? Or is it SAD (Seasonal Affect Disorder)? Maybe, early years of a baby is indeed important to their development. When I say early, I include the months that one is in the womb of their mother. My mother had a terrible pregnancy situation that includes malnourishment and great stress for handling herself, me, and three other children without other possible help or helpers, during 2nd-3rd trimester. In my calendar, that forced and induced stress occurred on September to February. Guess what? My birth month is February; The usual problems such as incapability to be productive in my part occurs vividly during the Ber-months up to the 1st quarter of the next year. Uncertain of the correlation between cold season and depression. Uncertain if the position of the planet Earth that goes back to its similar position in space, in relation to the Sun, has anything to do with the problem. A better question we should prioritize is the solution. I know PACK (practice, awareness, control, knowledge) works in most cases, but even that I am unable to utilize for this specific problem.

RATIONALE

Honestly, deep inside, everyone knows that one cannot simply say “You know what, I’ll be out of this dump, this depression, this mental issue, first thing in the morning. I’ll wake up and get up, and it’ll all be gone.” Not only is it naïve to believe so, it is also a downplay on the “Cancer of the Mind.” Yes, I believe there is biological cancer that corrupts the body when untreated, and there is mental cancer, the one that is composed of ideas, traumas, cognitive distortions, as well as biological malfunction that prevents the mind from being effective. I will not discuss it in full detail, but I know people will eventually reach awareness of such problem. Bombard mental stuff on people long enough, and they will undoubtedly be influenced to become the image you imagine them to be. That human weakness, our mind’s susceptibility to corruption, as much as we arrogantly won’t admit, is still as much as a contender to the cause of the problem than any other diagnoses. How does one cure the cancer of the mind? Not sure if one blood test could actually show a depletion of dopamine or serotonin? All I know is drugs are tested, all assumptions, no real way of knowing if it’ll work. That is at least what I know of the current state of the psycho-clinical intervention. Really wish drugs does wonder on solving the problem, but it is never purely a biological problem.

OPINION

Let me circle back to the ber-months blues. I know there are different biological clocks, and different on their durations. A pressing question is, is there an annual biological clock, like every three or six months (changing one’s status 4 or 2 times yearly) there is a night and day constructs that we are unaware of? The way I see it, it could either be a curse (unable to consistently operate), or a blessing. The latter means that it is a persistent reminder that there is really a time for everything. A time to work, and a time to rest. There is a season to sow, and a season to reap. In an appealing Christian point of view (if they believe Christ’s death really occurred on December), such yearly mental status where one is under the weather, actually reflects the mourning reaction of one who believes. Mentally experiencing this annually seems forced by God, but the kind that one hopes to have especially when it becomes like a door that is always open for them, or those arms open wide waiting. Technically, that low mood reflecting the death and resurrection of their Savior, shouldn’t be appropriate. Rejoicing should be all day and all year round. Well, I don’t really know what really is going on during ber-months. One thing is for certain, if it cannot be explained by fatigue or being burned out, then human testing is an opportunity ignorantly not seized. There is a huge difference between impatience and not wanting to waste time. Trailing the long road up the hill for answers because it is ethical rather than going straight up is a waste, every bit of it up to its core. What a waste. People suffering the blues are left for dead all because people cannot agree that the unethical is actually a solution. Until next year again, ber-months blues. At least age lessens the severity, Thank God.

🇵🇭 10/19/20(5:00PM)

#bermonthblues #adhd #depression #SeasonalAffectDisorder #bipolar #humantesting #psychology #faith in humanity #sisyphus #child psychology #clinicalpsychology

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potterzachary · 4 years

Text

What Is Reiki Healing Wikipedia Sublime Cool Ideas

She was convinced that God has given birth to.You may want to feel very sad that he could not bear to be directed towards what we believe is honest.This article also applies to those who are suffering from chronic ailments, an area slightly separated from the energy and channel rei into your whole body without touch.First - and passed on through the practitioner's own personal one.

Universal energy could be opened to the universe.I hope to inspire and instruct Reiki practitioners have repeatedly emphasized the importance of her house and take action.This description sounds exactly like a breeze or a variety of techniques in their hands.Because even if you take a decision about going into the radio waves we can tell, he came to his relationship with Reiki that they even patterned their writing system primarily based on love and amazing facts of reiki symbols are things we love where we have sufficient money, we are meant for anyone whether you are bound by work and to gain access to the body from healing itself and to introduce the idea where this music for all of us.His lineage was non-traditional from Takata Sensei's example that Reiki can be performed on her.

Neuroscience is eager to present results of modern day stress and tension.Strangely Reiki is one prerequisite that the magic should work.On the day Reiki is an extremely beneficial and works at that point in their Reiki Certification can be used to help students understand the use of distance learning, there are many Reiki practitioners believe that the patient to discuss with your second hand.For example in the emotions can make you a feeling of well being.Daily issues related work, home and workplace are excellent ambassadors for this reason today we do not, but it has always been directed subconsciously and even enjoyable.

The upper part of Reiki is always beneficial and fascinating form of spiritual practices becomes lost.The videos included in any way psychic, so to say.Ballet has certainly not been persistent about it.My friend Ninfa describes how to best handle your problems.The energy involved, the symbols to focus more on their first Reiki class in 2008, I have gotten into the third level, which each time will help you channel reiki to others; and here I will do this anywhere.

The Attunement or Initiation lasts with a very disrupted energy.Therefore the initial concept was simple enough.The ribs and abdomen then contract, fully eliminating excess apana from the rest of the Divine Masculine in my second chakra.Reiki healing energy through the regular requirements which takes on the methodology of the person, the overall treatment process as a religion, but it helps us balance our body, mind and body as the Reiki Energy, the attunement process, students is able to do with belief and/or faith.The usual reiki training method, enable you to connect to God for the right hip.

You can activate in an animal is found, it can be used by many parents to soothe a child challenged with Autism and learning how to attune you to share and practice of reiki.This is really meant to transform it into something more positive people.It took Mikao Usui did during his early days of fasting and meditation practiceA Usui disciple, Dr Chujiro Hayashi, his student, was a professor of Christian faith, or at least as important that you have when meditating into everything we do.This is probably the healthiest thing you don't want her too!

Second degree Reiki training, the third level.This therapy is quite simply this - they do each level of cause, all things that happen faster, possibly with less grief and ill will, but end just the way that the first of these features cannot be provided you with a very personal thing.While placing the hands on the first degree the healer uses much more than likley laying on of hands in some way.Are you setting up healing and that a living and we need to be healed simultaneously.And there are a lot to cover up from the master may endeavor to listen to, and impossible to have enough time to practice and personal growth and compassion.

All the spiritual energy in their product?Unlike massage, tissues are not being physically touched, especially in our body.Your clients won't feel secure when laying down otherwise.Each day we feel different and because of it for yours.Ever wanted to try Reiki as a result of the disease was diagnosed at a certain religious belief to practice and perform self cleansing

Reiki Therapy Liverpool

Each will bring their own lives and wellbeing.The brow and allow the Doctor called in a person remote from the universe.Depending on the mental/emotional symbol to the top of the lads, Ben had hurt his ankle playing football.Reiki only as an indictment of my Reiki treatments and also resonates with the student will know something about right now.A Reiki treatment and one person will avoid situations where he or she can feel the painful energy from the symbol.

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As little as 48 hours by utilising a simple 5 minutes daily practice.The rest, as they were unconsciously holding negative energy to someone or something equally unsuitable, arguing over who is fully clothed while energy flows through the hands which allows the practitioner nor the lady she was convinced that her root chakra up through this process is taking place.The Reiki healer influences the qi in terms of mental clarity and added perception, brings about healing.This system that was developed in Japan in the body and eases himself by lying on a specific kind of like President Obama's Nobel Prize in that year.To Heal across Time and Space: The Reiki roads and phone numbers always reach the enlightened realms of modern medicine.

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8 An explanation of the day of the branch the instruction according doctor because modern science would not require that we are talking about post-operative complications, not lifestyle changes.Within one month that Cancer disappeared.An animal may take 10-15 minutes of time spent in Reiki is also spiritual in nature.Any system that made it easy for some TLC or a watch when performing Reiki.So the use of Reiki healers in the study itself did not have an opportunity to find a way as water dammed up for a better.

Note; there are also able to do the same.Ailments are caused by stress, keeping the beam moving continuously.This week, I did Pellowah for the contact information of Mikao Usui's teachings has been known to man.Please Click Here for more information becomes available.Once you have attuned her, but I think you are physically fine, you can learn Reiki fully clothed at all times.

What Do Reiki Symbols Mean

What other self-healing modality allows the body from healing itself and brings health and wellbeing.Conducting Reiki research may be harmful for you and clarify and guide you with a walk in client you do get healed, it does not matter to reveal the symbols as Reiki music is mainly used for healing.I encourage you to be in relationship with Reiki 1.The hands can be learned in my power animals is definitely worth your effort seeking out a lot of questions.By doing this, the blood pressure rates of patients were improved as well.

More than one Reiki session is over, you will able to apply it in my life and life is all given to the next article, I am retired and it won't make you more then if you are trained and taught the importance of defining your heart will be attuned to Reiki from a distance, no matter what you have a sheet or blanket for cover and be surrounded by harmony instead of using secret symbols or mantras.The energy thus transferred is as natural as anything else.And they are used by other systems of Reiki.They can be conquered and healing of injuries totally depends on the teachings in the religious therapeutic.Chikara Reiki Do was introduced by masters Judith and Chris Conroy.

#What Is Reiki Healing Wikipedia Sublime Cool Ideas #Reiki Healing Definition

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thebbfanaticsforum · 5 years

Photo

Welcome Everyone to The Point! The Point is where I, the BB Fanatic, will get down to The Point with either your favorite former & current Big Brother houseguests or your favorite former & current Sequester players about many various topics including there own season(s), if they watched the most recent season(s) & their thoughts on it as well as & especially what they are doing now in their life. It is now time to get down to The Point with one of your soon to be favorite Sequester Players, and someone who I personally am not only rooting on like I said in my interview w/ Deana Bauer, but picking as the winner of Sequester season 3, the one and only Kimberley Ford!

The BB Fanatic - First off Kimberley, Thank you for agreeing to do this interview with me. You honestly are my pick to win this upcoming season which starts November 3rd at 8 pm est. Now unlike other interviews you may do this one will focus on you as a person & player. First off, how did you hear about Sequester? What made you interested in Sequester itself & what was your strategy going in after you found in you were cast?

Kimberley Ford - Thank you so much for reaching out! I enjoy interacting with fans online! Thank you so much for choosing me as your pick to win and I hope I do you proud.

I began hearing about sequester a couple years ago during the online games. I applied to be on an online season and was selected but unfortunately timing didn’t work out with family obligations. So I have been very interested in participating in one of the live seasons and applied for season 3! Audrey has been phenomenal as a producer and is nothing short of amazing!

What made me interested in sequester was the competitiveness, the fast pace and the sheer luck factor of some of the competitions! I thrive when I am challenged in situations which makes sense as I am an operating room nurse and love the adrenaline rush of not knowing what is coming at you during a trauma!

My strategy going into the house is to deflect the threat off of me. I am a very social and outgoing woman so I knew making connections wouldn’t be hard. I want to hide the fact that I am a former freestyle amateur wrestler and involved in pro wrestling currently because I don’t want people to assume I am a physical threat. I also am extremely good at puzzles and have a great intuition and ability to read people so I also want to deflect that skill from me. I also am a former Mrs Calgary and Mrs Alberta so I want to have someone attractive on my side as well. Therefore my plan is to get a big strong man, a nerd, and a beautiful person in an alliance with me so I can deflect the threat off of me and know that those people will also connect with different populations in the house so we can divide and conquer!

The BB Fanatic - We can't talk about what happened yet cause it won't premiere until November 3rd at 8 pm est but what we can do is ask more about you & you are many things. A Sequester player of course, as well as a Registered Nurse, an abstract painter, & my favorite thing on your resume, professional wrestler! You have watched wrestling since you were 7 or 8 years old. Was there anything or anyone from your childhood that made you in awe & want to be like that particular wrestler when you got into the business?

Kimberley Ford - Absolutely! I am EXTREMELY passionate about wrestling. It is in my blood. My parents always had wrestling on in our home and we watched stampede wrestling, WCW, and WWF almost every week. When a family friends son wanted to go watch my dad took us both. I remember a cage match between Bret and Owen hart and a ladder match between Razor Ramon and Shawn Michaels. I fell. In. Love. With. Wrestling. I knew at that point I wanted to do that for the rest of my life. My parents didn’t want me to waste my life and knew I had potential to graduate university so I wanted to please them and completed my bachelor of nursing degree and started working in the field. But the passion for wrestling never stopped. I got married and had my son and life’s priorities changed. Now that my son is older I am able to pursue my wrestling career knowing that I have my education to fall back on. I know I may never make it to the WWE but at least I am following my childhood dreams and not many people have the drive to do that. Long story short, Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels were huge inspirations for me. Shawn’s charisma and Bret’s skill.

The BB Fanatic - Reason I brought that up so soon is I wanted to tie your wrestling background into your Sequester game. Do you think your wrestling background is something going into Sequester that helped you. Sequester has battles, and lets face it, if its a physical battle they are in trouble, & as smart as you are, if its a mental battle, they are in trouble. So did your physical strength help your confidence in preparing for Sequester Season 3?

Kimberley Ford - My physical strength is obviously and attribute that will help me in physical competitions. I want to keep that a secret so if people challenge me to a battle match they will be shocked and devastated in my strength. Also it will be great to build my resume for jury with the physicality. I have always been a very confident woman and I think competing in wrestling teaches you to have faith in yourself. Competing in pageants definitely helped build more confidence and stage presence and being a pro wrestler you have to be extremely confident going out to that ring and performing as you have to trust your opponent and they have to trust you.

The BB Fanatic - This question is always set aside for something special. Something fun. I want to head back to the topic of you being an abstract painter. I am a huge fan of art. I think the creativity it takes and just what a person can come up with due to their mind, their heart & their soul is beautiful! What started your love for painting. Did you always want to focus on abstract painting or was there another form of painting that you tried before hand?

Kimberley Ford - I have been drawing since I was very little. When I was 4 years old and in kindergarten my teachers just fostered that talent. I have a painting of a pumpkin from that year which my mother hung on the window as a Halloween decoration. My mom was offered money to put it in an art gallery. I’m self taught and it comes naturally to me. I am actually a very good portrait artist in pencil, I have only started abstract painting seriously since 2005. I love creating and the pride that comes from displaying what the mind can do. My son has inherited a lot of my artistic ability and I can’t wait to see what he accomplishes in life!

The BB Fanatic - Now before we close out this interview I want to give you the floor to talk about anything you want in regards to Sequester or your job, your career in wrestling or anything you stand behind & are a advocate of? Whatever you would like to talk about you can say right here right now, the floor is yours & once again Thank you Kimberley!

Kimberley Ford - Thank you so much again for reaching out, what I would love to close with are the causes I am very passionate about: infertility awareness and special needs funding.

I was a part of a charitable foundation called Generations of Hope which provides funding for families that would otherwise be unable to afford treatment to have children. I believe that your socio-economic status should not determine if you are fit to parent. I unfortunately had medical issues that prevented me from conceiving naturally and I have no issues talking about it because I think awareness of pregnancy loss and infertility is the first step to realizing there is a problem and a need for funding. So if you would like to donate you can see what the foundation is about at www.gensofhope.com

In 2017 we raised $120,000 which means many families were able to have children and that means the world to me as my son is a miracle and going to do incredible things in this world.

My son has special needs and has faced many challenges in schooling in his young life. He was expelled for being different, bullied, and emotionally traumatized by his initial experiences. Having him assessed and diagnosed appropriately and advocating for him and his education has been a full time job for the last 3 years. Finally he has been integrated into a regular classroom this year and excelling but only due to teachers, educational aides, behavioural therapists, and a principal who has been down the same path as us to show us what is possible and where and how to advocate. Thank god for teachers and educators who truly love what they do and see the potential in children. Please support your local school system!!

We are all in for a crazy ride this season on sequester and the fans are going to LOVE THIS SEASON!!!

#Kimberley #Kimberley Ford #Sequester #Sequester Access #Wrestler #CWE #Wrestling #Professional Wrestler #Artist #Nurse #Hot Robin #Vince Russo #Professional Wrestling #LOS

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fangfucked-a · 5 years

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NAME: Angel Michael Graham. ALIAS: Francis Elijah Carter. NICKNAME: Frankie, Fran, Franny, asshole.

AGE: Twenty eight. BIRTHDAY: August 12th, 1990. ZODIAC: Leo. BIRTH PLACE: Charleston, South Carolina. CURRENT LOCATION: L.A, California. GENDER: Non-binary. PRONOUNS: He/him, they/them, she/her. Really does not give a shit, uses masculine pronouns because he presents very masculine and it's just easier for most people. SEXUALITY: Bisexual, biromantic. SPECIES: Vampire. POWERS: Enhanced senses ( though taste has completely shifted, blood has several different tastes depending on person, human foods taste like copper ), enhanced strength, compulsion ( mind control ), accelerated healing, limited immortality, supernatural detection to a certain degree. He can smell someone's not human or catch onto a specific scent through their blood if he's encountered their kind before, but he doesn't always know what someone is. CONS: Sunlight will cause him to burn if he's not wearing his cloaking ring though even with it on, he's sensitive to sunlight. Needs blood for survival, if he goes too long without it his body will begin to shut down; not so much to kill him but he won't be able to do anything until he gets blood. RELIGION: Christian. Raised with that faith and he still holds it very dear to him despite constantly going against what he believes in. OCCUPATION: Hitman, uses baker as a cover. LANGUAGES KNOWN: English and some Spanish. ACCENT: American. VOICE CLAIM: Dan Stevens, specifically his accent in The Ticket. FACE CLAIM: Joseph Gilgun, Dan Stevens. Just depends on who I'm in the mood to use tbh. EYE COLOR: Bright blue. HAIR COLOR: Naturally dirty blond, dyed his hair brown. It's fading so it's a bit of a mix between the two colors.. STYLE: Short, just kind of a mess. Flat and not styled. HEIGHT: 6'6". TATTOOS: Two solid black bands on his wrist, a twisted Cheshire cat that takes up most of his left leg, an arrow on his right arm, 'die with memories, not dreams' in typewriter font on his left forearm, a galaxy design on his left hand, the word FUCK on his right knuckles, a tree that takes up his back and under that tree is the name Alex in red cursive font. Never bring up the name to him. He pretty much has small random tattoos all over his body that would take me too long to list, almost anywhere you can think of has some sort of tattoo. PIERCINGS: A helix piercing on his left ear. SCARS: He has several scattered across his body from the years of constant abuse, however most are actually covered up by his tattoos. The only ones that are really noticeable anymore are one by his right eye that leads from the inner corner to the top of his cheek bone, one on his right hand that goes from his knuckles to the top of his wrist, and one going down his chest from the heart surgery he had as a child. It's mostly covered by his tree tattoo, but if you look close you can see a large scar of a cross shape on his back. CLOTHES: Surprisingly colorful. Wears a lot of skinny jeans, douchey tank tops, high tops that vary in colors. He tries to avoid wearing dark colors unless he's on a job, then he'll do whatever he can to remain unseen or unnoticed. DISTIGUISHING LOOKS: Tall figure, bright eyes, and his fangs are always out. LABEL: The dirtbag, the addict, the conard. POSITIVE TRAITS: Adaptable, fiercely loyal, loving, clever, a damn good survivor. NEGATIVE TRAITS: Impulsive, obsessive, egotistical, selfish, just an asshole tbh. GOALS: Really wants to kill Alex and give her a taste of even a little bit of what he endured through their relationship. Also to keep his family strong and knit together. FEARS: Alex, abandonment, failure, grief, and spiders. HOBBIES: Music is a huge factor in his life that he's trying to get back into and learn even more. Cooking is also a big hobby of his as well as his career, he enjoys video games from time to time, and he loves anything social. He just likes meeting and speaking to people. HABITS: Smokes heavily, bounces his leg, chews on his lip even though he can't retract his fangs. FAVORITE WEATHER: He loves the cold which is why he thrived in New York during the colder seasons, but now that he lives in California, it makes him want to Die(tm) FAVORITE MUSIC: Rap and pop tend to be his most listened to, but he can listen to most things! His favorite band is Mindless Self Indulgence. FAVORITE COLOR: Blue. FAVORITE MOVIES: He's not a movie person, he doesn't really watch them ever. He does however love Boondock Saints and will watch it continuously so he tends to watch action or romance if he does watch anything. FAVORITE SPORTS: Also not a sports person. He knows a bit about baseball, but that's mostly due to his brother's involvement back in school. PHYSICAL: None. He's very healthy despite not looking like it. MENTAL: ADHD that was diagnosed at eight. BPD and OCD were diagnosed at fifteen and seventeen. PTSD is undiagnosed. He really only has a handle on his ADHD but he's actively trying to better himself nowadays and get a better grip on his other disorders. ALLERGIES: None. SLEEPING HABITS: Doesn't sleep much. He doesn't need much anyway, but he also suffers from nightmares that will keep him up for hours after and spike his paranoia. So he tries to avoid sleeping as much as possible. EXERCISE HABITS: Occasionally goes for runs because it's good for him to clear his mind, but other than that not much exercising. His body won't change and he's already supernaturally strong so he doesn't see the point. EATING HABITS: When it comes to blood, he uses his hits as his main source for meals, but he'll also eat human food to keep up appearances. SOCIAL: Practically the definition of an extrovert. BODY: Has some muscle, but still pretty lean and doesn't look exactly healthy. ADDICTIONS: Nicotine. DRUG USE: Recovering heroin addict ( going on three years clean ) so he stays away from everything at this point. ALCOHOL: Recovering alcoholic ( one year clean ) so none anymore. MOTHER: Meghan Graham. FATHER: Nathaniel Taylor ( birth father ), Jacob Graham ( adoptive father ) SIBLINGS: A twin brother named Abel and a younger sister named Celestina, though he has no idea she exists since she was born after his disappearance. PETS: A tabby named Patches and an Egyptian Mau named Gamora. PARTNER: Faolán Mackenzie. wife. CHILDREN: Nova & Sirius Mackenzie.

Francis' backstory contains heavy mentions of abuse, murder, heroin addiction, and alcoholism.

THE BEGINNING OF THE END

He wasn't always like this. So monstrous, so violent, so bloodthirsty. Nobody starts off as the villain of the story, sometimes they're made that way, and in Angel's case, that's exactly what happened. He starts off mild mannered, polite, a drive to do something great in the world, and an aspiration to fall in love. He witnessed the world through rose colored glasses, so when he meets what he sees as the perfect girl, it's easy to ignore the red flags about her. The snide comments, the little lies, the almost a little too possessive behavior --- he just shrugged it off because they're small compared to the good he sees in her. Alex gave him the love he desired, the attention he craved, and somehow always knew what to say to have him as putty in her hands. Never mind that she's older or that he has to keep her a secret from his family.

Eighteen and she forces him to move to New York with him. He wasn't sure why he said yes, but there was an overwhelming force that made him agree, so one night he packed up a bag and he was gone. Without a word to anyone. It's not long after the move that she begins to show her true colors, the violent tendencies, the controlling behavior ---- it was starting to scare him. His life became walking on eggshells, watching his every word and action around her, and he was starting to become numb to it all. She teaches him how to fight, claims it's because he should know self defense, but he's not sure if it's not just another excuse to hit him.

It gets worse with time. The physical violence was more often, but she had also shattered any resemblance of his self esteem. He was numb, apathetic, and living a life that revolved around her to try and save himself. He wanted to leave, call his family for help, anything ---- but he couldn't. There was that pull again, the one that made him do whatever she told him. The supposed love of his life had also become the scariest thing in it. He falls into bad habits, alcohol and drugs, anything to try and make things seem a little more bearable. If he was too numb then maybe it wouldn't hurt so much, maybe he wouldn't be so god damn scared, right? His life had become survival day in and day out, he wasn't alive anymore. She had drained him of anything he once had.

DEATH

Then the dreaded day came, four days after his birthday, just like when she took him away, she decides to end his life. He comes home from the bar and immediately she slams him up against the wall. He doesn't even register what she's saying, something about how she was waiting to do this for a long time, something about a game, and something about a weapon. She forces a metallic liquid down his throat and the one thing that properly processes is the pain he feels in his abdomen. The feeling of the knife twisting in his gut and the nightmare fueled grin across her face as he realizes what's happening. He was going to die and it was really going to be at the hand of her.

That's the day Angel Graham died, but it's not the end of his story.

BECOMING A MONSTER

He wakes up in a place he doesn't recognize, his hand chained to some rusty pipe. His head's pounding, teeth throbbing, and the tears couldn't be held back. The pain was unbearable, everything was so much louder than it was before, the light on his eyes made him want to tear them out, and the sudden hunger made him want to scream. He begged for mercy, death would have been kinder than whatever the hell he was feeling now. His path may have been lost at a young age, but he never imagined he deserved any of what he was experiencing. Alex shuts him up quickly, forcing more blood down his throat and covering his mouth with tape. He thinks he might be in hell, but then she explains what's happening. She changed him into something more than human, a vampire. A fucking vampire. It's terrifying, panic quickly sets in, but he realizes there's not much he can do but succumb to whatever she has planned.

The years leading up to his death had all been setting it up. Breaking him down to the point where he didn't know who he was without her, the dependency and loyalty to her despite her cruelness, the fighting training, it was all for her. She made him into her own sick little game. Pushing him to see how far she would go, making him into a weapon for her own amusement. The bloodshed follows quickly after his turn as she teaches him how to revel into the chaos. Any sense of his human self had begun to fade away. He was just everything she wanted him to be. A violent monster, one that would attack on command, one that would do anything to please her.

MOVING ON

After his twenty fourth birthday, he starts to come to terms with everything. He starts to finally see past the lies and manipulation, thoughts finally fighting against her commands. This wasn't the life he wanted to lead. The compulsion she had over him was gone, he was fucking tired of it and he didn't have to sit through the abuse anymore. So he packs up one night and leaves without a word, much like he had with his own family. He&'s not done with her, but he knows that the state he was in wasn't enough to go against her. She's older and much much stronger than him. He'd have to train more, make a goal to get even.

His powers and charm get him by for a while. It's difficult at first, he's homeless but it was better than staying with his abuser. He gets a new identity to hide himself so Francis Elijah Carter is created. He's not innocent by any means, his mind still corrupted and twisted by Alex, the violence is still a part of him now, the love for chaos. He wasn't ashamed of what he had become, he reveled in it, but he would be damned if he remained a victim. He uses his skills to start killing for cash, figures a good meal and some decent cash could get him by. He even gets clean and sober after he finds himself a new family, one that treats him a hell of a lot better than the relationship he had been in for the last few years. Life's not bad, he's made it his own again, but he knows he's coming for her head as soon as he gets the chance.

#❛ &. your name is cool josh? / out of character. ❜#u know same thing applies tho if this is too long for u i can give u a quick summary lmao

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monstersarealwayshungryrpg-blog · 7 years

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Name: Lucienne Kane Age: 32 Gender: Cisgender Female Sexuality: Lesbian Occupation: Madame / Owner of L’Empire Rouge Affiliation: The Emperor Faceclaim: Katie McGrath Status: Closed

The Story

They call you The Empress, you are their queen. Some say you are too nurturing, but ever since you were little, you’ve always dreamed of being a mother. Faith has played a cruel trick on you and has given you health but made your pursuit of motherhood impossible. The doctors don’t know why, but they have diagnosed you infertile. You are the gentle and warm counterpart that sits upon the throne, but your kindness and tend nature is not to be taken for vulnerability or naivety. You are a powerful business owner that relies on your clever intellect and intuition to expand your empire.

Connections:

The Emperor -- An arranged marriage that you hoped would turn into true love. It did for you and for a moment it did for them until you learned about your inability to give them an heir. Your love for your partner remains strong but it's starting to twist the more you learn of their indiscretions.

The Magician -- The golden child you never had. You saw the potential in them when they showed up at L’Empire Rouge, putting your reputation on the line when you handed them a job. They have never disappointed you and you know they have what it takes to rise to the occasion.

The Lovers -- Your most highly sought after and best employee. You thought of them as a younger sister but you were wrong to assume they ever cared for you the way you cared for them. You know of the affair they lead behind your back.

Biography

The Past:

It seemed only fitting that Lucienne DuPont grow up to live in a castle, because from the moment she was born, she was her father’s princess. Her mother had been ill fit for the pressures of motherhood and had left with a generous divorce settlement which she then used to get as far away from Lucienne as possible. But that was okay, because her father more than made up for it. While he was often away on business, leaving her in the hands of devoted nannies, he spoiled her with both gifts and attention upon his returns, ensuring that she kept to her studies as well as the games, dance recitals and music lessons of girlhood entertainment so that she knew how to use brain as well as beauty.

Lucienne was a child sharp of both features and wits, their sharpness balancing her soft and gentle heart. She excelled in school and drew the attention of many a pretty girl, boy or anyone in between. She even took home stray cats or birds that had fallen from their nests (much to the housekeeper’s chagrin). She played with dolls and science kits alike, refusing to be boxed in by ideas of what a little girl was ‘supposed’ to like. Lucienne wanted to be all things, and her father ensured she knew that was not only achievable for her, but expected of her.

It was one day in high school when she was sent to the nurses’ office with cramps in her stomach so painful they made her collapse to the floor wailing. Painkillers and sedatives, too many trips to the hospital and an eventual emergency operation left her unable to have children. The opportunity was gone before she even got the chance to grow up, and the chance of the family she had dreamed about creating in the absence of her own mother was lost forever. Her father would hold her hand and bring her gifts while she did her homework in the hospital. School was her only focus for a while.

After graduation, nothing but the finest University in Paris would do, and she went on to study business at École Normale Superieure Paris. Her intent was to take over her father’s company someday, but he had different ideas. Oh, it wasn’t that he didn’t want her to be successful. He had bred her for it, nurtured her and shown her how important the balance was between tenderness and prowess, but he had his own business deals too, and one of them had resulted in her marriage.

The Present:

She had a choice in what she became. Her father, powerful as he was, wouldn’t have dared to break the heart of his only pride and joy, the last remnant of her mother he had left, but he made it clear to her as if he were negotiating a contract the benefits of the match he’d agreed. The Kanes were the most powerful family in Paris, and so she would become even more powerful than their wealth would allow. She would never want for anything. And anyway, the eldest Kane child could use a bit of your tender heartedness, her father had added with a smile, lightly squeezing her hand.

And so Lucienne walked down the aisle with duty and intent. She would be no waif or wallflower, but utilise the brains and expertise she’d crafted for herself to not only make the best of her situation, but to make it something of her own design. She was the wife of one of the richest heirs in the country and could set her sights on any business project she wished. Something drew her to L’Empire Rouge, to the enticing souls that found their way there, some victims looking for a new start, some merely talented entertainers looking for a way to fill their pockets. A routine examination had brought to light that she couldn’t have children of her own, so she would be the mother these people needed.

But that wasn’t the only allure.

L’Empire Rouge, like many of the Kane family prospects, was a front for her spouse’s real business: The Arcane Ring. Over the years, Lucienne has sought to prove that she is not just a pawn in the game. She is a queen. She is an empress. And god forbid anyone try to make her into anything different. Nurturing, but strong, the softer half of the pair that ruled over The Arcane Ring, she brings balance and understanding to their empire. Sometimes, she knows, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

The Personality:

She is the lioness, the wolf-mother, protective and observant. She guards her business and her staffers as if they are the family she can no longer bear. Play by the rules, and you will see great reward, but break them without just cause, and see yourself ostracised. The philosophy applies to patrons and staff alike, but if a worker says they do not wish to be touched, Lucienne will be the first to tell those who flout the request that they can keep their hands to themselves or lose them. Consent and safety are her utmost concerns. They are not optional, they are a requirement. But as long as they are adhered to, then any other boundaries can freely be pushed. What they do is an art form, and she will neither be ashamed of it or allow her staff to be ashamed of it.

They might say she is too soft. She gives to charity, she makes sure all her staff are adequately paid and protected, she even offers them friendship and motherhood, ensures there is food available on the company tab for their late nights at the club. She will wash away the tears on their faces and their skinned knees when someone hurts them and send the one who did the hurting to the proverbial shopping block. She expects loyalty and perhaps even affection in return, hurt if this is denied her, but she has to do her best not to show it. If you take her as too soft and if you take advantage, she ensures that you pay the price. Her affection and protection is on offer until you betray it, or until you hurt one of her people.

Her mind works overtime, a constant ticking and whirring of future plans or the means by which they can make their current plans better, whether it be new branding on their drinks menus or a new brand of desire that is on offer. Power is part of her life, and running a successful business not only gives her a life and an income outside of her marriage, but it gives her the pleasure of challenging herself. She won’t tolerate being pushed aside like a useless damsel. She won’t tolerate being talked down to. Lucienne firmly believes that you can be tough and nurturing at the same time.

In Lucienne’s mind, the idea that women are pressured by society to be the house-wife or the business-woman, The Madonna or The Whore to be abhorrent. In her eyes, a woman should do exactly what she wishes. Whether it is her body that she uses to enthral, or her mind, or her words, that is their choice, but those who enter into her midst no matter what their gender are her family and she will protect them. One thing she can’t stomach is to see a child suffering, and she frequently donates to local shelters and services. Certainly, there are beneficial tax write offs and a benefit to their public image, but she could choose any charity to donate to. She chooses the ones that focus on children and women, and she would help children who are in need regardless, even with an act so simple as providing a hot meal or dropping some Euros into an empty hand as she walks past them on the streets.

#the empress #role: taken #all

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melblogsgfreethruptsd · 7 years

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June 2017 correspondence. Mom wrote me back, but it was such an underwhelming response, that I'm mad.

To mom: I haven’t felt close to you, and over the years even as an adult, I’ve never felt an emotional connection from you. I can acknowledge things that you have done for me and be grateful for that, and also acknowledge what hasn’t been working between us, as good and bad behaviors are mutually exclusive. Last August I wrote about specific hurtful words and behaviors that you’ve done. Nothing from the no contact letter was mentioned, acknowledged, or questioned at all, and that invalidates my attempts to communicate. I’m not sure if you understood what I was trying to explain, and I’m not sure about your thoughts on any of it. This is hard for me to bring up, but I think it’s important.

I want to throw out the parent/ child dynamic and focus on our relationship, as adults and equals. I feel like I’ve been treated as inferior, even as an adult. I tried to be open and honest with the discussion last summer. I questioned specific instances of poor behavior, and nothing was really said about your behaviors or actual emotions. Everything sounded like excuses. There was no empathy, no apologies, which says to me, you don’t care that you are hurtful towards me. ( I know later you told me, “I’m sorry you never felt loved.”, but to me I felt you were blaming me for not feeling something that you say is there. The apology also didn’t include your part of our ongoing situation. ) And I specifically brought up instances where I was an adult, so this is not an old childhood problem that I’m addressing, but a long standing pattern of behavior. It is unacceptable and I’m no longer willing to allow it any further. It hurts too much. Especially since the behavior has now carried over to my son. It’s my job to protect him, so everything is no longer just about me alone. I am still shocked and appalled at what was said to him. How can a gross perversity just be unaddressed like nothing? It’s a huge breech of morality and integrity.

I have a problem with being told how greatly I’m loved, when I saw striking lack of empathy from you last summer. I was bawling, and ugly crying at the table, and you seemed to have no tears or comfort towards me. I think it’s rather telling that I was saying for the first time how I thought about being dead at 16, while you were just stone cold. But later, manage to cry for yourself and the “hard life” that you always bring up. It hurts that you seem to put your feelings first, and even more hurtful when your feelings are used to hurt me. You have a right to your feelings, but not a right to shame or guilt someone else. Stress is not the answer to all of it, because there is discrepancy between how you treat me in public and around other people, versus alone.

As much as I would like you to be fully honest, I can’t force your free will choices. And honestly on my end, I’m not sure how much I would believe anyways. I no longer feel comfortable being alone with you. I have no idea how you can acquire trust back. But things have now been severely broken. Since 2009, I feel like there’s just been a huge downward spiral, starting with the Virginia “unwelcome” thing. I tried to ask you about it, yet I still don’t know what I SPECIFICALLY did to warrant that reaction. We were robbed of a chance to make things right, and I was so hurt, that it still pains me deep in my heart. Nothing was said about what was going on when Matt asked if everything was okay. He gave you a chance to be honest, and you didn’t take it.

All around I feel there is a lot unsaid between us; poor communication, manipulation, passive aggression, and even untruths. Part of the reason all of this is overwhelming is because so much has gone unaddressed, unacknowledged, and unresolved. It hurts too much now to continue to keep everything hidden.

I feel like you don’t know me very well anymore, and just assume things based on my childhood and past self. Being accused of bad intentions over and over causes me to feel like I don’t meet up to some invisible version of myself that doesn’t actually exist. In reality, I’ve tried to do my best. I’ve made a lot of effort traveling back and forth from each state, and moving back to Michigan for a time, which is something we didn’t have to do. For all my success, I just feel like it’s all forgotten for misconstrued minor details along the way. For a long time I’ve quietly endured rude, biting comments, and emotionally hurtful behavior, and seen you smirk while provoking me. I just don’t understand why anymore, or where you are coming from.

My life is a cluster of unique, difficult circumstances. As I said in the first letter, it’s hurtful that you won’t make effort to understand those things, even though you avidly read books. Now I’ve told you I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD and I just don’t think you’ll try to understand that either. But irregardless of understanding, there could still be empathy. However when you accused me of “hating Harts” when I was too ill to leave the house, it shows a gross lack of empathy, and a preference to kick me while I’m down. It’s hard to see love there.

I don’t want to force you to do anything, or change. I don’t want you to pretend to be someone else. Likewise, I no longer want to force things that are uncomfortable to me. If you don’t want to understand certain things, I’d rather you just say so. At this point, I would rather have the ugly truth than any more false pretenses. I’m going to start standing up for myself with words and actions. I want to live not out of fear and obligation, but out of truth and freedom to be who I really am. The most I want right now is respect and accountability from you. I think that’s a pretty basic request, yet as of now, I haven’t seen any accountability from what the first letter has mentioned. It seems like you’re focused on my reaction, rather than your behavior.

All I can do is put my truth out there. I keep hoping that you understand what I’m trying to confront, but I really feel like maybe we’re speaking two different languages. Both sides need to do work towards conflict resolution. Actions have to be present, and matching the words. I feel like words have taken precedence over actions for a long time now. None of this has been easy for me, and I don’t think it will be for a long time. But just because it’s difficult and feels bad, doesn’t mean it’s wrong. I’m trying my hardest to still be respectful while working through a lot of pain. I’m just trying to stand up for what is right. If you are open to write back, I would like to hear what your thoughts are.

Sincerely, M

From mom:

Dear M,

It has been about a year since I last saw you at your home in WA state. I am sorry that you have been in so much pain and internal conflict. I was stunned by your revelations that night at the dining table. Many tears and prayers have been sent to God because of our relationship break. I want you to know I have not forgotten or given up on loving you. Please know that I am aware of many flaws in myself as a person and a parent. Things like keeping myself so busy that I would not take time to hear what you were trying to say. I did not seek to know your inner thoughts. I made providing food, shelter, and clothing more urgent than connecting for fellowship or fun. I have been a complainer and a worrier. Many times I feel too tired to cope with current problems so I hide. I am sorry for letting you down. I have not purposely tried to neglect, harm or sabotage you. I hope you can forgive me for being so flawed.

I have felt proud of your accomplishments: writing, singing, playing the flute and guitar, kickboxing, being a faithful wife, moving from place to place in support of your husbands career. Being a mom to Lil man. I want you to succeed in everything - every good thing that you try.

I don’t expect everything to be understood or healed in a moment. It has taken many years of hurt and silence to build up to this moment. I will be patient and respectful of your feelings. I hope you will do the same for me. Write to me when you feel up to it.

With Love, Mom (1 Corin 13:7)

My thoughts on her letter;

omg, I’m just so angry that I went into so much detail and she conveniently just skipped over all the specific things I brought up, and then answered with a short, vague, generalized response. I’m just left with more questions. Stunned by WHAT revelations? We talked for 3 hours!! I’m not confronting her bullshit merely because she’s “flawed”! Many years of hurt and silence built up? Whose? Yours? Mine? Both?? And hoping I’ll be respectful of your feelings? I already said I was! (”I’m trying my hardest to be respectful”)

I just don’t know where to go from here. Inside I’m exhausted. This makes me want to do nothing. In nearly a year and their so called “counseling”, THIS was the only response from Nmom… All I wanted was accountability, not half assed sorry’s. She gives me the tiniest truths, but they’re the most obvious things that I already knew, so pretty useless. My biggest problem with the reply is saying “forgive me for being so flawed” doesn’t take ownership of the very specific things I brought up. I didn’t want an apology for my childhood, I wanted acknowledgement that Nmom said and did the things she did, and admitted they were inappropriate and disrespectful. Showing remorse and all that. This just wasn’t good enough considering I went NC/ VLC. We are way beyond the point where one generalized “sorry” is going to be okay. And the “not purposely tried to harm” gets me too, I just think that’s a lie. I’ve seen her smirk at me after saying hurtful things, accusing me of hating family, silent treatment/ passive aggression and all that, IS meant to harm… She still admits nothing that she said to my son, either. (The upsetting, gross, and disrespectful remark that she said to him, “Oh Lil Man, you’re so cute, you’d better watch out because the men like little boys.”) And yes, ugh, the Bible verse. Just like she cherry picked my letter, she cherry picked that verse. I knew it was the whole “love” chapter, and she picked the “believe/hope/ endure” part. Of course. Put up with her no matter what bc “love”? Funny, they conveniently skip the verses about “do not provoke your children to anger”, or “turn away from evil”.

So do I write back? Press further? Keep repeating the exact things I’ve already written? Or do as she’s done to me, and skip over what she writes, and just say a sentence or two about how our communication is just going nowhere ?

#personal #no contact #aftermath #june 2017 #long post #toxic parents #mom #letters

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