#but theres gonna be like 3 ppl out there who Get It

[marighould]

I know people usually do social media aus for more recent/normal things, but i would KILL to see someone do one with re-animator 1985. This is my sleep-deprived attempt at showing u guys my Vision

#my stuff #re-animator #reanimator #herbert west #dan cain #meg halsey #carl hill #re-animator 1895 #re-animator social media au #i know this must seem like an insane post #but theres gonna be like 3 ppl out there who Get It #or itll flop. which like. whatever #im going to bed soon anyway its like almost 2

[toastsnaffler]

sometimes I wish I was a more interesting + charismatic person just so I could keep conversations going bc I like sharing space with other ppl but they routinely lose all interest and leave once I run out of things to say/start talking abt things that don't concern them :-(

#and boy do I run out of things to say so fast when I'm talking to friends who ik dont give a fuck abt any of my interests... #theres only so much i can make small talk or ask them questions abt their own interests/lives yknow. man #it just makes me feel like im constantly competing with smth else for other ppls attention all the time + constantly losing #eg. when i say smth + my flatmate reaches for her headphones a little dark souls banner appears across my vision like INTERACTION FAILED #and i can feel my rsd + insecurities praying on it like the more i feel this way the more it prophetically fulfils itself #by making me less willing to try and take up space so i become a smaller and smaller person around others #it frustrates me a lot sometimes and i dont rly have the will rn to undo that and force myself to take up more space regardless #ik this sounds like a water is wet complaint like oh nooo woe is me people get bored of me when i talk abt boring things (!!) #but when im spending time w ppl i like i enjoy listening to them talk even if im not interested in the subject bc its Them talking #and if they care abt smth then its worth hearing abt!! to me anyway. but it rly feels like no one reciprocates that idk #oh well not that it matters. at least i like the shit im into so i can talk to myself abt it in my head or on this site lmao #and i like myself as a person even if other people dont so theres always that. ur no 1 should always be urself <3 #voicing this makes me feel so stupid + embarrassed urgh. i hate being anxious abt dumb shit i hate being the sort of person who worries #that their friends privately dislike/just tolerate them or whatever bc id never want a friend to worry abt whether i thought that abt them #and im not naturally a very insecure person!! i think im just feeling particularly vulnerable atm bc of the season + jobhunting so long #+ the fact im dissatisfied with my current social life + still feel very wobbly from not having other ppl i can trust or rely on etcetcetc #and thats just bleeding into other areas. and it sucks a lot. but theres nothing to be done abt it rn bc im not going to communicate it #to other ppl bc im not pathetic enough to make my anxieties someone elses problem + beg for pity attention im too proud for that 👍 #anyway. gonna play some noita + then i rly need to work out today bc thats probs part of why im feeling so shite #if ur reading this ignore me im just venting itll pass. i hope youre having a nice day :^) #.vent #.diaries

[snekdood]

if you take someones outdoor cat i will break into your house and steal all of your cats, hope this helps! xoxo❤️💋😘

#idrc how you feel about outdoor cats. #in many ways- who gave you the authority to decide what happens to someone else's cat? #dont talk about the environment and endangering birds bc theres plenty of other shit that does that and yall dont hammer nearly as hard on #those things #i dont think its a good idea but its also not my place to decide for people- its my job to inform them #bc tbh idk but it uh. seems a lil more fucked up to just STRAIGHT UP STEAL SOMEONES FUCKING CAT. instead of maybe idk #at the very least in form them about your fucking concerns. #some of yalls only goal is to feel edgy and cool and stealing shit is the only way you know how to do it #and so you're gonna justify it and tell yourself you're doing it for all these Good Political Reasons when really you just want an excuse #to steal shit let alone something that matters deeply to someone. #hope you feel good. hope you feel like you won. that misinformed family thinks their cat was abducted by those creepy christians who #kill black cats on halloween and shit but its probably fine bc at least you get to tell yourself you're doing praxis #misinformed* as in. they dont know its wrong to not put your cats outside. like MOST people. #as in: your average american #and yes i have every right to be upset about this attitude since someone kidnapped my outdoor cat. idk what reason they did it #but whatever reason aside from thinking its a stray is dumb. if the cats not actively being abused who tf are you to step in and decide #whats right for ppl you could have otherwise just fucking talked to. #imagine i tell my 11 year old kid its ok to go to the playground 2-3 blocks down and he can walk there. you walk up to him and go #'omg this poor child all alone you must be an orphan!' or 'how dare your parents mistreat you by abandoning you outside here and letting #you think its safe to go out!' #and then you just straight up kidnap my kid. like. you dont know the situation thats going on at my home. maybe i shouldnt have let him go #alone but hes older and walks home from school aloneperfectly fine and its like 2 blocks away so i can go there whenever i need to #sure its a bit different with a cat but still like. you're essentially stealing someones family member bc you decided you have the #authority to step in and go 'actually im going to raise you now bc i dont AGREE with the way they raise you' #and while theres abuse cases where thats warranted i dont feel like having the general idea and belief that it is and should be safe enough #outside for my child to go to the playground w/o me if its 2-3 bloack away- i dont feel like having that as a general belief means that im #abusive or that ppl who think that are abusive.

[okkottsus]

these last few days were literal hell bc of me having to cram 3 books worth of knowledge into one week due to my procrastination curse, but will i learn my lesson? no, since i still passed the exam 

#personal #they asked the most random ass questions tho ?!!!!!!!!!!! like i memorized more than 300 pages for them to just ask the most random ass shit #they were also so moody since they had examined a lot of groups already before ours #and ALSO they asked everyone else in my groups at least 5 questions meanwhile they asked me 3 and a half if that half can even count #is my presence that small akjsjdjk #i answered 2 and couldnt answer 1 and half so techinacally i got what deserved with a 6 out of 10 BUT ??? helloo this wasnt fair #but out of 11 ppl in my group they failed 5 (!!) so me getting such an average grade makes me feel a bit grateful #everyone esle that passed got a 5/10 except for 1 who got a 7 good for her honestly but she was unhappy too since she clearly had studied #for more than that....not to mention we had to wait 2 hours to get in ....tragic BUT OH WELL #IM FREE of public law !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! now theres only criminal law and its gonna be over. for good. oh god #cant believe i will have the chance to graduate in a few months......if i fail the exam in summer and have to try again in fall i will cry

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#ay ay ay. my head feels like its stuffed completely full of cotton. bulging at the seems #its just that wrung out ive been crying too much feel. i just had to do a bunch of application stuff yesterday night #and there were way too many tears so i work up out of focus with salt in my eyelashes. so i wasnt that productive despite the fact i really #need to b rn. and i met with my boss for our weekly meeting and its just so many things i have to do #like theres this procedure for some new equipment we have and im testing it out but like she wants to see it in action and im like treading #close to dangerously unstable so the chances i burst into tears in public is quite high which is why i hide in my apartment and only go to #the lab when no ones there. but no im prob gonna have to go in Thursday and have to go drive like and hr away next week so we can hopefully #have all the equipment we need for another project thats gonna kill me. plus we got contacted by a group we were gonna work with last year #who wanna work with us again. which is objectively good like itll look real good on a cv to b involved and like even non science ppl would #prob find it cool. but i csnt feel any of that bc i dont kno how im gonna be able to go back and forth contacting the other lab group i #have to work with in order to do everything. which its like itll b fine #ive done it before. 2 of the 3 things i have done before so itll be fine. it just doesn't feel like it #it feels like im dissolving into pieces and everythings spinning too fast. theres a film between myself and everything else so i cant touch #anything and it cant touch me. #and its weird bc i know that burning myself out is what got me here but i still cant detatch myself from the soul crushing guilt of not #making every second productive. its disorienting bc my brain will b like: u should just stay here over break and get stuff done #and like no. thats objectively the worst thing i could possibly do. i just feel like a wet glob of paper towels. ive already committed #myself to only 13 days being gone. only have to trudge through like 21 days 1st. how? no idea #like im sure itll b fine but somethings gotta give before my brain implodes beyond repair. if were not there already #ay everytime my boss says something nice abt me to someone it just feels like a knife in the gut. like shes not lying but i just feel like #ive fallen so far that shes talking abt a past verson of me and it makes me sad. like idk how obvious it is but im sure i have terrible #vibes irl lol like the sort of pained twisted up little smiles u make when u dont wanna lie but u dont wanna b honest ay #itll b fine. i can feel the floorboards giving way so somethings close to giving just have to see where and in what form the metaphor #actulizes. hopefully it does so quickly bc im bored and tired of living like this. and i dont really wanna go home and explode into tears #like a child and have my parents deal with me. which they would bc theyre great. i just dont wanna worry them sigh... #unrelated #i should sleep bc i gotta get up and burn my brain out being a scribe tomorrow morning. at least i get to hang out with someone cool

[orcelito]

GREAT news. My fever has uh. Not quite broken bc it's still at 100 degrees, but it's much better than the 101.1 it Refused to go down from earlier!

Cold wet cloth is a godsend

Gonna eat food and then try to get. Some sleep. Maybe. Who knows lol

#speculation nation #the fever will return but im taking this respite from The Ache Of Everything to maybe get some more food in my stomach #really badly want cottage cheese. turns out thats my 'Im Miserable' food #the kind i get is gentle on the stomach & it has plenty of nutrients. + no prep needed. #im back to feeling too warm in my skin but thats probably an improvement over shaking like a chihuahua the Second i leave my cocoon #my nose is bothering me so much lmao. + theres Cough. but more in reaction to funky snot stuff than actual cough itself #still very full bodied & painful coughs tho! i hate them! #doing what i can tho. just. trying to survive. #idk if this is gonna break by friday tho. im scheduled like 7 hours then. & unlike today it's not a boba shift so it's not as easy to waive #policy is that if theres a fever ppl dont have to come in but im like. 😬 theres already multiple ppl who cant show up friday #so i rly am wondering what theyre gonna do for that lol #im. gonna see how tomorrow goes. #who knows maybe it'll be better! old patterns for me typically have these fevers happen in 3 day increments #the Leadup. the Misery. and the Downfall. #by the 4th day i tend to be better. but it also depends a lot on What this is. #im hoping it follows old patterns bc i reaaaaaally dont want to be miserable like today for another day #ive done basically Nothing all day. watched some critical role. read some fanfic. & otherwise lounged in misery. #nights of the Misery Day are typically... the worst of them... #im going to pop a melatonin and hope for the best. id like to possibly get Some sleep maybe.

[be-good-to-bugs]

yay my first day went really well!!

#the bin #im excited. i like it much more than my old job already. much less boring. theres much less people working and its in a small space but #i like that. feels more friendly and makes me less nervous. and me being super tiny works bc im much less in the way than i could be #person i met definitely thought i was still a minor cause she asked if i was in school still. everyone thinks this #probably a lil different bc im gonna be working here full time during school hours. #im wearing my hair up in a bun. i never do that!! but my hair is too long so i gotta wear it up so i dont dip it in peoples coffee #i think im gonna start wearing it up like this more often bc its so out of the way! my autism loves it bc its not pulling weird with weight #my hsir is long enough that getting it in the bun isnt too hard but not so long that the bun is huge #im like.. actually looking forward to tomorrow #not at all like my last job also. theres like 3 people MAYBE 4 on shift at a time unlike my last job which would have 30 ppl #well. i made coffee today. it was kinda fun. i also burned my fingers on the steamer so many times oh my god #i enjoyed this way more than my first day at my last job. also this was my FIRST day and i already made a bunch of coffee #at my last job i spent 3 days just watching videos and reading. bad. bad way to start #i dont even know anything yet and ur throing me into walls of text. much prefer this #i do wish he woulda walked me through making the different coffees a bit more instead of quizzing me and having me check the sheet #but it was busy so it makes sense. once there was a lul there was another person who was super nice and walked me through stuff #and i remember that stuff better. i think ill like tnis so much more than my old job. lik3 so much more. #also maybe ill try some new kinds of coffee. like a latte. ive never even had one but ive made 12 today #also its not starbucks. i would rather die than work at starbucks it seems like a nightmare

[kuiinncedes]

doing the review sessions at 2x speed but it all cancels out and i dont actually save time lmfao

#me going on instagram and tumblr and ao3 every 2 seconds 💀 #sigh i was gonna study for a bit w friend on zoom but she cancelled #which is fine she was sick a few days ago so still kinda bleh but now im like struggling to get back to it XD #bc i was waiting for her for a lil bit #ajfnjdbkjsbdjkghkadhfgdgiqurhguifnjdkngfdabgk i gotta finish this fucking review session and then igotta at least start on this cheat sheet #cheat sheets always take me forever 💀 rip #up til 3 tonight lets gooo lets do it #jeanne talks #honestly. bro why was this course so fucking good #like the content was like math like fine and it was hard but #the way this shit was organized and all the ppl they had to help and all the resources and shit SERIOUSLYYYYY #CAN THE MATH DEPARTMENT STEP UP AND BE LIKE THE CS DEPT LMFAO PLS #apparently the math dept sucks bc they want to filter out ppl who arent passionate about math 💀 #like it's probably a joke but on some levelllllllll :[ they do suckkkkkkk lol #but like what if im not Passionate about math i just want to take math courses for my fucking degreeeee XD #but i mean i guess it works bc theres too many ppl in our cs courses LMAO #anyway yeah honestly wouldnt be surprised if i take longer to go thru the review sessions than the 3 hours they were live #even tho im doing 2x speed bc im doing shit like this 💀

[stealingpotatoes]

Invitation to talk about Sayuri and Nymie?

:D CAN OF WORMS: OPENED!! i'll tell u abt how they got found as Jedi

ok so Sayuri is one of the students that doesn't rlly go home bc there isn't much to go back to. Basically her parents were Rebellion pilots (or one was a pilot the other a mechanic. kinda unsure) but were both killed in action against the Empire abt 3-4ABY ish. obvs the Rebellion couldn't look after a 7-8yo while fighting the Empire

so the remainder of the squad manage to get her back to her parents' home village/ where she was born. so having like Everything change all at once leaves her pretty ?? and gives her some serious trusting-her-environment issues. her coolgirl "i dont care" persona is very much a result of this bc she's worried abt getting too comfy in smthn. (which is at odds w the OTHER issue she got from this event which is "deathly afraid of flying" an issue not helped if Master "traffic laws are just guidelines" Skywalker is piloting. but she tries 2 act like shes fine)

this is gonna get kinda long so im gonna smack some unposted art here and then go into a readmore

anyway fast forwarding to when Sayuri's abt 13 (roughly 9aby) she's visiting her parent's old squadron on a New Republic bc they'd all come visit whenever she could and after the Empire's fall they did a lot more pick her up and fly her to a base to ALL see her. and they're like omg Sayuri you came at the PERFECT time bc this rlly amazing pilot war hero who's also some like. mystical whatever is here!! he's on his way to some magic place we heard. maybe u can meet him!! which sayuri meets w her usual whatever bc she's not that gassed abt war heroes.

very worth noting that the squad's probably all seen her move shit with her mind, but theyre like oh you know how it is with teenage girls. the "nobody knows what a jedi is" + "the empire existed for a decent bit of her childhood" thing has kept anyone from being like yeahh sayuri should like. talk to someone abt this.

anyway she goes along when the squad are like c'mon let's see if we can see him. ok the only way i can describe this is you know the spiderverse like... spidey-sense recognition thing? that's basically what happens LOL Luke and Sayuri both have a FORCE USER RECOGNISED?? moment and Luke then makes a beeline for her then realises oh shit tiny teenager not jedi. would you LIKE to be a jedi?? and sayuri who hates her village and is feeling the strongest emotional connection she's felt in forever w this stranger she met 2 seconds ago is like okay fuckin sure yeah. and woo jedi!!

i posted my unposted nymie art yesterday but likkeeee pretend theres some here <3

So Sayuri falls into the "one of the Jedi found them thru the force or by chance" category of students who get found. However Nymie very much falls into the second category, which is "CAN SOMEONE DEAL WITH THIS WEIRD SUPERPOWERED CHILD FOR US????"

So 2 things about Nymie: 1. like i've said before, she's from a very rich high class pantoran family. super stuck up, mostly raised by nannies & tutors, but somehow Nymie just didn't get the stuck-up genes like all her (4!!) siblings who are just obsessed w their social standing etc and is instead just :D all the time. 2. her proficiency ig is the living force esp in the 'good at connecting to animals' way (which I think means I legally need to draw her w Ezra).

so the former often led her to escaping her family's stuffy parties and galas or whatever (usually to whoever's house it is' garden or somewhere she wasnt meant to be) to find something interesting. usually a pet <3 one particular time when she was 9 she was following her Pet Sense but couldnt find anything in the house. so she kinda just reached out more and long story short thats how Nymie managed to call this hugemassive beast (i'd tell u what it was if i knew pantoran animals LOL) out of the nearby countryside to her. massively distressing for everyone, all these rich ppl were like "OH MY GOD I NEARLY DIED" (it didnt attack anyone). very funny exciting time for Nymie who was enjoying this new beastie friend til animal control showed up. saddening. everyone is confused bc HOW did that happen

a dude old (and cool) enough to have seen more than one jedi in their heyday (+ idk uni researcher knows his shit) noticed what happened w it going straight to Nymie and overheard her account and realised what happened and was like hi nymie's parents. i think u need to get into contact w the new republic bc thats a jedi right there (which they take and go oo social climbing. we have a jedi child people will think we're cooler. bc theyre assholes)

and yeah im losing steam now but luke shows up and she joins the academyyay!

#i tried to NOT go on a 2000 hour ted talk #bc im pretty sure i could give a solid 5k of meta on top of any explanations of abt... 95% of my OCs lolll #which does mean this comes off as a lil messy but hey #sayuri ireshla #nymie #oc #original characters #luke's students

[orionsangel86]

Sometimes I forget that since branching out into other fandoms I may be exposing myself to ppl who like proper loathe SPN and Destiel and I can't really help that so I'll just say that ultimately, there will always come times when I will transform back into a Destiel blog and make a lot of memes and jokes and yes, talk about how the events of November 5th 2020 were rather huge for the media landscape and yeah sure, this firefighter show has had a big moment today and I know that some of y'all will be annoyed and bitter that SPN fandom has once again made it all about them. Except thats not what we are doing. We are celebrating WITH YOU because we are HAPPY FOR YOU and the way SPN fandom celebrates anything is to poke fun and make memes and just have a good time with it.

We are all fucking traumatised and dealing with PTSD from that fucking show let us have a laugh about it on this hellsite whilst we can. There is nothing malicious about it. If you find it annoying, blacklist the tags. I tag EVERYTHING. Its not hard to blacklist and if its that big a deal to you, just unfollow me. If youre gonna get pressed about some Destiel jokes and the claim that your bisexual network TV firefighter might owe SPN SOME small measure of thanks for the attention it drew to fandom and the popularity of queer ships and the need for queer representation on that insane night 3 years ago then just unfollow me cos I'm always gonna hold that viewpoint.

I'm not sorry about it and I'm gonna take my fun where I can. And I'm fucking happy for your bisexual fireman. Thrilled for him and you that you get that in your fandom. Theres no bitterness here at all. Why would there be? Just enjoy the moment and ignore the stuff that bothers you.

#destiel #supernatural #911 #buddie #evan buckley #fandom drama #yes this is a response to some moaning i saw #which is disheartening because we are all just having fun #but whatever

[hyukalyptus]

virgin jjuni who doesnt know what he’a doing so he whines into your tummy, begging you to just top him <3

cw. virgin!yeonjun, dorky virgin!jjun, ig experienced!reader, sex (protection not mentioned), noona, cunnilingus.

OMG..first of all sorry to all the sane ppl out there, but i'm obsessed with virgin!jjun. and like. idk i know everyone's like "he's one of the rare ones where he's great at sex the first try." sorry to break it to y'all but ur WRONG. he's so dorky and cute and very very bad at sex. but not in the "i don't care how my partner feels" kinda bad, but just, he's a lil clueless that needs help :( which makes him good at sex. you see what i mean??

so moon, this is correct. he's had this vision of his first time and being an incredible sex god, making you cum instantly while he lasts forever. but..

y'all are about to fall into bed the first time and he's like "uh...i have to tell you something..see, the thing is. i'm not really, like, iono..." "yeonjun? are you a virgin?" and he gets all blushy and cute and "i'm just nervous i'll do something wrong." "you probably will do something wrong and that's okay." and he just feels so safe with you :c

going down on you to make you wet, listening carefully to all ur a lil to the lefts, oh down just a bits, and fuck, right theres. never feeling discouraged when he can't find ur clit for a min, and never giving up. he's gonna make you feel good, goddamnit!

and when he hears ur cute, "jjuni...can you fuck me now, please?" and his stomach drops, making him sososo nervous. whining "noona..." into ur tummy. "can you..i'm nervous, can you-can you get on top?"

and oh sinking down on him for the first time gugoznojvnjgjBGuvrB:GvrjwaGUjrwJgbr hgb ws literally don't even talk to me i need space. but watching his mouth drop open, eyebrows stitching together.......AH

#inbox! #moon! #yeonjun smut #yeonjun hard thoughts #yeonjun hard hours #yeonjun ff #hp's hard thoughts ☁️

[crushedsweets]

Who are the people that Toby likes the most?

Natalie, Jack, and Ben!

Toby has known Natalie for about 5 years, and Jack for 4, and Ben for 3. ok now im gonna do long ass headcanons for their relationships bc im just soooooooo silly . .

toby and natalie knew eachother when they were at the height of like.. using murder as a relief/power trip. it was a really sick and fucked up thing to bond over, and it wasnt something either of them took lightly or as a joke. but it was something they did talk about, moreso 'let me tell you about my night' and they'd kinda just allude to the murder part of it. eventually, natalie stopped killing as much (and stuck strictly to freak weirdo men at bars/clubs who try taking advantage of ppl). toby doesn't have the luxury to stop bc he only did it when the situation/order calls for it.

they usually just lounge around together. watch trash reality tv, natalie was ashamed of her art for a while but toby loves getting her to show him her stuff. toby taught her how to axe throw and cut down trees. he helped fix up the barn she stays in so it's actually livable. he even got brian to help with shit like insulation cuz theres no heat/ac in it. sometimes he does her hair if shes having an awful night. she never had someone to brush her hair growing up, having no mother/sister/girl friends, and finds it to be insanely fucking relaxing. lulls her to sleep so quick. it reminds toby of lyra and he cried one time after she fell asleep from it. she never found out about it.

toby was the first proxy to be nice to jack. not that tim and brian were horrible to jack (only after he was . . 'tamed' i guess). but toby was the first one to like, bring him things, talk to him, actually attempt bonding. if tobys feeling lonely and natalies not in the mood to entertain, jack was almost always welcoming. ok maybe not welcoming in the like :) hiiii toby. way. but in the. 'ok yea whatever come in i guess' way.

jack used to cook a lot before he was sacrificed. now he doesnt have the same taste buds, and while he can eat human food, its all pretty bland to him. best he can enjoy is insanely spicy stuff, and thats more sensation rather than flavor. BUT TOBY. that fucking dude can EAT. he's brought like a fat steak and veggies and rice and random shit to jacks and asked him to make him dinner. and oddly enough jack was willing to do it. toby continued to do that stuff. jack didnt know about tobys CIPA for a while and was baffled when this white boy from rural colorado could actually handle the spice anytime jack made south asian food LOL.. ("how much spice do you want" "i dont care make it as spicy as you like" "toby are you sure of this" "yeah i can take it").

of the 3, toby is the least close to ben. mostly bc ben is best fucking friends w jeff and toby doesnt like jeff very much(who does?). plus toby figured ben was like a kid and wasnt exactly crazy about being besties with a 12 yr old. But then ben played some video games with him. ben doesnt really Act like an. ipad fortnite tiktok middle shcool type of kid so toby was like Oh he's cool i guess.!

they dont have much in common at all tbh, didnt have similar childhoods and toby didnt play many video games growing up. BUT toby finds so much joy in just having a fucking boyish childish fun stupid relationship where he could play video games and talk shit and eat like crap with yk. they have a very brotherly friendship and it's kinda weird for toby being on the big sibling side of something, but he's fond of it. they get into petty arguments about stupid shit, and went a while without talking bc toby punched jeff and jeff was bitching like 'uumm dont hang out with that prick' and ben was like lmfao ok. toby didnt even realize ben wasnt talking to him tho. . ("hey sorry i was avoiding u jeff was bitching" "u were avoiding me ?????")

#chatterbox #hcs #creeped #creepypasta #ticci toby #clockwork #natalie ouellette #eyeless jack #ben drowned

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#sigh... i just feel i could learn so much easier if i didnt get distracted by my thoughts every 5min #i dont even kno how it happens. i kno that i do it and so im like ok im gonna pay attention and not think things at the same time #but then my brain starts talking and my attention gets divided and then suddenly i blink and realized i dont kno the context for whatever #was being said. how? how does that happen? and whats worse is that im not even thinking anything interesting bc my thoughts tend to b #cyclical and dont tend to progress unless i write things down. which is frustrating and makes me feel stupid #bc its like is ur brain so tiny that u can only carry out one conversation with yourself over and over and over? #it just makes me think of that b0 burnh4m monolog abt shutting the fuck up. can anyone? any single one? any single person? shut thr fuck up? #shut the fuck up. just shut the fuck up. about anything. any single thing? but its me @ my own brain #i dunno. my short term working memory is just fucked. today i opened google earth to plot something and opened my phone to pull of thr #points and forgot what i was doing like 3 times while i was sitting there. i open documents and scripts and i flip back and forth between #tasks bc theres too much to do and i cant triage. i just need someone to lock me in an empty room not let me out until i finish things #i dunno. i cant control my attention. weirdly im not that distractable tho. like i get internally distracted by the thoughts in my head #but if im having a conversation and something happens thst its distracting to any normal person im like. i have to let it go knowing the #other person is likely to get distracted and thr Subject will change. and ill hold onto distracted threads of conversation. bc it really #bothers me for conversations to be flexible and flowing i guess. i dunno its weird. i was the freak who would b extremely focused on getting #school work done while ppl i was working with were chatting away. like if i have a focused goal ill sit there until its done #ill sit there doing something until its finished but if u give me options i flail #options r the enemy. that perhaps contributes to my control issues. i say i dont like a lot of things just so i have less things to make #choices abt. bleh. this is y i wanna go to somewhere like antarctic to a research station where i would just do science all the time #force my focus onto research only. except id probably lose my mind bc i cant b around ppl that much #whatever. i dont even feel that bad. its just a thing ive noticed on top of my control problems being rather bad rn. and as i said ive got a #tiny goldfish brain so it helps to write things down so i can understand what's happen bc im not stupid the information is in there but its #hidden from me bc my neurobiology is fucking annoying. whatever. #unrelated

[lains-reality]

oh alright I get it, idk if this sounds stupid but then what do ppl who follow ND have as a "goal"? like ik that ppl in the loass community seek inner fulfillment & the materialistic is just an extra/bonus/result of inner fulfillment (even if many are extremely obsessed with the 3d). what does ND seek when apparently it's not manifesting?

peace, love, joy, just like everyone else lol. nd seeks to explain how life works and wants to realise Self.

being free. being truly spontaneous (did i spell this wrong). because now there's no preconcived notions about you, and what you should do, and what you must do, how your life should look and how you look to this person and really you should do that or else .... do you see how tiring that is. constant images, roles, people you must be. this is when you think you are the character.

even if you barely grasp nondualism, it's enough. because at least you know that there can be more, you can do more, theres no need to live out of fear. and lets say you get a desire or something great in your life, you won't feel miserable without it now. you'll be detached. you know that the desire wasn't gonna make you happy. you can still enjoy its presence, but the natural happiness that comes out of being your Self outdoes it anyway.

some desires are like the most neurotic, way too specific, 3d obsessed things ever lol (i know bcs i had 3 google docs worth of them), you just want happiness. you just want freedom. you want to be your Self. for eveything to be harmonious.

#lainsmail