#it feels like im dissolving into pieces and everythings spinning too fast. theres a film between myself and everything else so i cant touch

[opens-up-4-nobody]

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#ay ay ay. my head feels like its stuffed completely full of cotton. bulging at the seems #its just that wrung out ive been crying too much feel. i just had to do a bunch of application stuff yesterday night #and there were way too many tears so i work up out of focus with salt in my eyelashes. so i wasnt that productive despite the fact i really #need to b rn. and i met with my boss for our weekly meeting and its just so many things i have to do #like theres this procedure for some new equipment we have and im testing it out but like she wants to see it in action and im like treading #close to dangerously unstable so the chances i burst into tears in public is quite high which is why i hide in my apartment and only go to #the lab when no ones there. but no im prob gonna have to go in Thursday and have to go drive like and hr away next week so we can hopefully #have all the equipment we need for another project thats gonna kill me. plus we got contacted by a group we were gonna work with last year #who wanna work with us again. which is objectively good like itll look real good on a cv to b involved and like even non science ppl would #prob find it cool. but i csnt feel any of that bc i dont kno how im gonna be able to go back and forth contacting the other lab group i #have to work with in order to do everything. which its like itll b fine #ive done it before. 2 of the 3 things i have done before so itll be fine. it just doesn't feel like it #it feels like im dissolving into pieces and everythings spinning too fast. theres a film between myself and everything else so i cant touch #anything and it cant touch me. #and its weird bc i know that burning myself out is what got me here but i still cant detatch myself from the soul crushing guilt of not #making every second productive. its disorienting bc my brain will b like: u should just stay here over break and get stuff done #and like no. thats objectively the worst thing i could possibly do. i just feel like a wet glob of paper towels. ive already committed #myself to only 13 days being gone. only have to trudge through like 21 days 1st. how? no idea #like im sure itll b fine but somethings gotta give before my brain implodes beyond repair. if were not there already #ay everytime my boss says something nice abt me to someone it just feels like a knife in the gut. like shes not lying but i just feel like #ive fallen so far that shes talking abt a past verson of me and it makes me sad. like idk how obvious it is but im sure i have terrible #vibes irl lol like the sort of pained twisted up little smiles u make when u dont wanna lie but u dont wanna b honest ay #itll b fine. i can feel the floorboards giving way so somethings close to giving just have to see where and in what form the metaphor #actulizes. hopefully it does so quickly bc im bored and tired of living like this. and i dont really wanna go home and explode into tears #like a child and have my parents deal with me. which they would bc theyre great. i just dont wanna worry them sigh... #unrelated #i should sleep bc i gotta get up and burn my brain out being a scribe tomorrow morning. at least i get to hang out with someone cool