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dead-thorin · 5 years

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everything im gonna write is gonna be concerning but it be like that and its really not concerning

for like months now i haven’t been ok. And like it’s gotten worse with the holidays and ive been so fucking angry and tired lol. like at first i was like its fine its ok, then i was like its the hormones it happens, then its the stress of finals and work but like its really not like i legit just dont want to be alive anymore im really tired of it. Like idk how to convey just how much i dont care anymore to be alive

1) I feel so fucking isolated here like i have friends but a majority of them are cis. And like the trans people i know? most of them on T are non binary which like valid, but they dont get the full extent. And like their families support them lmao and theres one person i could talk to but he doesnt seem to want to socialize much so i always feel awful thinking about hitting him up

and like i feel like my friends dont like me and i know thats not the case but also maybe it is!!! who fucking knows anymore!!!! i dont have time to talk to them bc im so busy at work and then i get home and immediately have to do more work and by the time im free this week theyll be home for break so like!!! fuck i guess!!! i saw one of my friends who i havent been able to see all semester and she said shed hit me up today and she hasnt and i know its cause she and another friend have to study and theyve been busy but in my mind its still “she fucking hates u!!! doesnt matter that she was so excited to see u and would definitely have no qualms in telling u to fuck off she hates u!!!”

2) no one listens to me lol like people listen to me when i rant, which is really helpful and i really appreciate and love that they do that bc emotional labor, but like in groups? i talk and people interrupt or dont hear what i say or disregard it and im like k. OR THEY THINK IM FUCKING JOKING LIKE THIS LEGIT IS SUCH A PROBLEM AND IVE HAD IT HAPPEN WITH SEVERAL PPL AND IDK WHAT TO DO. Like i physically say “im really not joking dont do that” AND THEY STILL THINK IM JOKING

and whenever i talk to people and they give me advice or just listen they do at least one thing. They either mention medicine, which again, valid, but i dont want to go back on medicine right now. But then they fucking push that shit and demand reasons why i dont want to like fuck u i dont have to explain shit to u i just dont want to. And/or it turns into me educating them and im just like great! i managed to do labor in this trying time! nice!

3) I cant talk to my therapist bc shell become concerned lol. i told her how i went to the labor looking for a book about the pros and cons of committing suicide and researched it and i had to talk for 10 minutes afterwards about the steps i was taking to help combat it but like i was legit scared to tell her in case she made me go into inpatient care lmao and this brings me to pt 4

4) theres like nothing here LMAOOOOOOO like no books at either library about stopping suicidal thoughts or helping depression or about family estrangement. I had to order books from different libraries to get something and theres a few that i got from the Libby app but like wtf lmao and theres no events during christmas and every volunteer thing? either i gotta fill out an application and do training which who knows how long thatll take or i need a car. Like there legit isnt anything here i did so much looking lmao like i have my hobbies but that wont make me leave the house

i talked to a professor about this shit too and he understands and stuff and told me to hit him up during break if i feel isolated but like I FEEL SO FUCKING GUILTY FOR EVEN BREATHING LMAO LIKE WHAT hes got shit to do too and i know he has research going on so like doubt it

5) im gonna die alone at this pt and i know thats mad dramatic and also probably false but im like so conflicted about everything i feel with my gender and dating

like every time i like a man im like wow if i was a girl, this wouldnt be a problem and like being cis has more privileges than being trans but i know last time i dated in the closet it wasnt a good time SO

and every time i like a girl, im like she prob wont see me as a man or will be disappointed in my body or transition

and like no matter who im interested in, the same thought is always “they prob dont see me as a man and will misgender me, even unintentionally” like i know people who dont even know my birth name and have known my pronouns as he/him AND THEY STILL GET IT WRONG LIKE WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO EVEN DO ANYMORE TATTOO IT ON MY FUCKING FOREHEAD

theres a guy i currently like, whos so sweet like theres one incident that happened that i had me thinking damn.... hope hes into guys and single..... and like its kept me up thinking “oh man hes definitely str8 this fucking sucks if i was a girl i would probably have a shot” but like every time i toy with the idea of detransitioning (not in a serious way, but just like casually thinking of a scenario) my mind physically rejects it and is like “motherfucking do u wanna go back to THOSE shitty feelings??? really??? it was worse before!!” and i will definitely get over this crush, like im just lonely and its cuffing season, but it fucking sucks in the meantime like i feel like i cant date because im too nervous and scared to!!! im so scared they wont think im a man and i know thats not every person but like Jesus its enough that its a good possibility

6) this part is sad but i think i have to stop talking to my sister or at least give her limited info bc shes having her parents contact me through her and im not giving them shit so...

like she just texted asking when id be home and for the millionth time (BC NO ONE LISTENS TO ME) i said i wasnt going home, im never going home, stop asking and i know that its them asking her to ask me and they can honestly fuck themselves

like these are all problems that have solutions and i know the solutions but like im so tired of it lol im tired of having to deal with my family situation, im tired of being ignored and interrupted and not taken serious and having to explain my boundaries over and over and over again, im tired of not being able to talk to people for fear of getting hospitalized or interrupted or pushed onto meds, im tired of not having resources, im so tired of it all. Im so sick of being suicidal and not even being able to get out of bed and having to deal with being depressed and anxious and chronically ill fuck all of it

legitimately had to make a list of shit i could do over break so that i feel like i cant hurt myself until i finish it bc thats how my shit brain works. like i dont want to die but i also just dont want to deal with this anymore and i know itll get better in time but jesus fucking christ its been 8 damn years when does it actually get fully fucking good? its gotten better but more shit keeps coming up like yea i started hormones but now i dont have a fucking family anymore.

Even if i didnt have this list i wouldnt do it bc 1) i dont want to do that to my closest friend and 2) im helping someone get out of an abusive situation. She has like no support, just one cousin whos there for her, but he doesnt have resources for her. Ive been listening to her and validating her and making sure she knows that a) this is the type of shit abusers do and b) shes not fucking crazy for thinking certain things!!! she really isnt and i get it so much so ive been gently giving her contacts from the beginning to help her and she finally left and is in a really delicate place. So like not exactly the best thing for me to suddenly be gone and id feel terrible if she had no one there for her

anyway this was a long post that can basically be summed up as i really want to fucking kill myself but i wont but also im suffering a lot

#post from the blogger

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textsacc · 4 years

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[01:56] セン: hi i went to study baseball. [01:56] セン: um. [01:57] セン: drawing yozora with a baseball bat is a missed opportunity. [02:00] セン: okay so maybe its for aesthetic. [02:00] セン: so [02:00] セン: thats fine [02:00] セン: but [02:00] セン: hear me out [02:00] セン: i now have opinions on yozora/sena for baseball [02:06] セン: so in baseball, theres one designated catcher, apparently, who acts as the backbone and effectively works as the leader with the most important job out of everyone, because they're the only one that gets to see the entire field and give instructions to others

that's yozora because she's club leader, and effectively club can't happen without her orders, but also because she's the smartest, schemiest person in the club, so it makes sense for her to strategize for her team. it also comes with the heavy burden of responsibility and getting hurt a lot to try and catch the ball (see ch. orion for more info)

for maximum efficiency, the catcher has to work effectively with their pitcher. the pitcher can be swapped in, usually they swap every 5 people or so, because a pitcher's work is super demanding; this means that the catcher has to know each person well enough to maximize their throw-catch rate, which essentially falls to the leader anyway, aka its still yozora-best-fit there [02:11] セン: now the pitcher usually consists of 4/5 people on rotation, so it could be literally everyone else on the team who's eligible for play (rika, yukimura, sena, kodaka) but the reason why its super important for sena to be the pitcher and for yozora to be the catcher is because of personal catchers

Because of the close mental relationship and trust that a successful pitcher must have with his catcher, a number of catchers throughout history have become preferred by pitchers on their teams, to the point that the catcher will almost always (especially during the regular season) start along with the pitcher. The catcher is then informally referred to as that pitcher's personal catcher. Personal catchers are often used for pitchers that specialize in throwing knuckleballs, due to the difficulty of catching such an inconsistent and erratic pitch.

you can theoretically swap out any pitcher during the game, sure, but you can't swap out catchers if i understand it correctly. literally anyone else on the team could be a catcher but they wouldn't have the same synergy as a leader would after they've bonded with everyone unless they did the same thing

which, technically, none of them have except for kodaka, and he sucks ass at everything to begin with, so he's not even qualified physically to do it and placing bets on him to do it would weaken the team performance significantly [02:24] セン: its like trying to get aigis instead of minato to lead the team in p3; like yeah itll work but at what cost

anyway yozora's secondary is sena in terms of performance, but since she's lacking in the social awareness department it's very difficult for her to accurately guess what her pitcher's going to do, and i'm not even going to get started on rika/yukimura if that's the case

so finally, why is sena the perfect personal pitcher?

Personal catchers are often used for pitchers that specialize in throwing knuckleballs, due to the difficulty of catching such an inconsistent and erratic pitch.

a. she's definitely wanting to throw knuckleballs. since they're almost a sure-fire way of leading the opponent batter astray, this means that all she has to do to ensure an out for the opponent team is to get her own team's catcher to just. catch shit. b. her stamina, strength and recklessness probably already add onto the effectiveness of the top -- the winning strategy here is to be as chaotically powerful as possible, which she does (see ch. orion for more details) and because it's a solo play she's allowed to go ffa instead of holding back to help her team out

c. i point out the synergy between yozora and sena in the following - i. werewolf (hotsprings) - ii. basketball (orion) - iii. romancing saga 2 (drk/pld)

tldr they're super fucking gay, but also yozora is able to go through the impossible mental gymnastics to support/hinder sena and it shows. because of how good their game rapport is even especially without communication, their tactics on the field are going to be amazing with how crazy sena's pitches will get and how yozora will do almost anything to get herself to follow through and catch them

d. sena is probably going to be able to last the excrutiating work of pitching on the field for longer than anyone expects, which means more impossible hits for the opposing team, which means a higher chance of winning the game [02:28] セン: e. as long as sena isn't the catcher (i think), she can also bat against the other team, and we know she'll be good at batting because of how much physical prowess she has. itll be especially good because the batter is the only offensive one on the field at that point of time, with everyone else on the benches as the opponent team fills up the field with defense -- she'll basically have a trip exerting herself on solo-mode if she's made to bat (which is entirely possible) e.i. also she's probably super lucky so she'll get to make a lot more successful hits than expected e.ii. yozora would probably be terrible at batting, but not to say she doesn't try -- she'll probably be one of the better batters on the team overall, but normally catchers don't take the offensive, they stay on defense (haha like a tank)

[02:29] セン: most of the reason they'd make a good battery pair just lies in c but a and b are also really good points, d and e are just if im not wrong [02:30] セン: f. yozora literally bleeds for sena i cant stress this enough (orion) so like her being the catcher is totally fucking apt because they have to be super padded to play catcher otherwise they'll be injured like 90% of the time [02:30] セン: thank you for coming to my ted talk,

[02:41] セン: hi im gonna run over some tldr quotes from butterfly soup to hammer in the idea of yozora/sena is literally perfect especially when put into the baseball allegory

(Noelle pitching) "Noelle doesn't have enough upper body strength to throw it that far."

"With a knuckleballer pitching, the catcher has to focus so hard on stopping it that runners on base will have an easier time stealing." "So basically, it's hard to throw right, it's hard to control even when it's done right, and it's punishing if you miss." "Knuckleball is the pitch of someone with nothing left to lose."

- The ball ricochets off Liz's mitt and catches her bare hand, striking her thumb at a painful looking angle. - Liz's thumb has turned a swollen purple. "Are you okay?" "I'll live..."

"I chose it because... uh.... it's hard to catch." "So Diya has to be the one to catch it. Since it'll hurt everyone else." "Diya's immune to it because she's special."

"Is it really that surprising? Diya (catcher) has always been good at sports." "No, but you don't understand! This goes beyond being 'good at sports'!" [02:58] セン: "A lot of knuckleball pitchers end up having one catcher who specializes in catching that pitch just for them. They're called personal catchers. The two of them get traded together, as a set. It's like a weird baseball marriage." "I should learn how to throw a knuckleball, and you can catch it for me!" "Wait, but didn't they just say it's really hard to catch?" "So what? You're like a baseball goddess!"

(Min, as pitcher) "I don't need anyone. I'll do everything all by myself. I'll become so happy and successful that everyone who was ever bad to me have to beg on their hands and knees for me to forgive them."

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