hiii
i ranted about a thing and im reranting here bc there sucked
uh smth womanhood uh right yes okay i am particularly urked about this thing in adulthood and i think also womanhood that is the duplicity of trying to prove competence and trying to make up for lack of competence
for instance the areas these seem to happen are ones around ppl in my life who, while i feel wholly safe admitting my incompetence and confusion, also never expect me to know anything thus. i understand that it can be confusing to decipher then what would be my strengths but if u Know me and ive become comfortable enough to admit incompetence it is bc im trusting u not to steamroll me and to listen to me and understand that i am also a human who does know Some Fucking Things
the other instance, making up for lack of competence, is just trying to survive when i believe theres a lot sitting on my shoulders. i worry that the trust being placed on me has not taken into account that i will mess up or that i may know the exact same amount as them and still expected to do more than my abilities allow.
its hard to feel like ive earned this trust in my competence and ability when in that other instance its constantly being challenged. its hard to feel secure in my decisions in both instances and also to shift between them, as they often feel like two different worlds where the chance at being confronted for malfeasance seems ever present, like its an unknown sea creature hunting me down but only till im too exhausted to swim.
the connection i make to womanhood in this sense is that i see this reflection in other women. a huge aspect of feminism is believing that women are capable of making their own decisions and when women are robbed of that, its painful and ive seen it and experienced it. theres nothing wrong with asking why someone did something but taking the chance to make that decisions away or simply making it for them does not treat them as a person.
another connection that could be made is simply age and experience. older people or more experienced people i think tend to wanna show off what they know or what theyve learned by making these decisions for someone else, maybe showing them smth theyve never known, but isnt it better that they learn it themselves?? its different if its smth that person doesnt mind not making a decision about in comparison to things that may affect their life or expand their Own abilities. u could show off, yes, but isnt it better that they learn on their own?
at this point, i dont think im all that knowledgeable and i dont think im all that experienced. i think i wanna be good and i wanna be smart and try it all, but it is incredibly hard climbing theough the sludge of uncertainty that comes from these experiences. theyre not harrowing or traumatic, i think, but still uncomfortable and repeated times really do feel like sinking into quicksand. but i got it lmao i got a good role model im good i got this anyways bye :3
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