#options r the enemy. that perhaps contributes to my control issues. i say i dont like a lot of things just so i have less things to make

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#sigh... i just feel i could learn so much easier if i didnt get distracted by my thoughts every 5min #i dont even kno how it happens. i kno that i do it and so im like ok im gonna pay attention and not think things at the same time #but then my brain starts talking and my attention gets divided and then suddenly i blink and realized i dont kno the context for whatever #was being said. how? how does that happen? and whats worse is that im not even thinking anything interesting bc my thoughts tend to b #cyclical and dont tend to progress unless i write things down. which is frustrating and makes me feel stupid #bc its like is ur brain so tiny that u can only carry out one conversation with yourself over and over and over? #it just makes me think of that b0 burnh4m monolog abt shutting the fuck up. can anyone? any single one? any single person? shut thr fuck up? #shut the fuck up. just shut the fuck up. about anything. any single thing? but its me @ my own brain #i dunno. my short term working memory is just fucked. today i opened google earth to plot something and opened my phone to pull of thr #points and forgot what i was doing like 3 times while i was sitting there. i open documents and scripts and i flip back and forth between #tasks bc theres too much to do and i cant triage. i just need someone to lock me in an empty room not let me out until i finish things #i dunno. i cant control my attention. weirdly im not that distractable tho. like i get internally distracted by the thoughts in my head #but if im having a conversation and something happens thst its distracting to any normal person im like. i have to let it go knowing the #other person is likely to get distracted and thr Subject will change. and ill hold onto distracted threads of conversation. bc it really #bothers me for conversations to be flexible and flowing i guess. i dunno its weird. i was the freak who would b extremely focused on getting #school work done while ppl i was working with were chatting away. like if i have a focused goal ill sit there until its done #ill sit there doing something until its finished but if u give me options i flail #options r the enemy. that perhaps contributes to my control issues. i say i dont like a lot of things just so i have less things to make #choices abt. bleh. this is y i wanna go to somewhere like antarctic to a research station where i would just do science all the time #force my focus onto research only. except id probably lose my mind bc i cant b around ppl that much #whatever. i dont even feel that bad. its just a thing ive noticed on top of my control problems being rather bad rn. and as i said ive got a #tiny goldfish brain so it helps to write things down so i can understand what's happen bc im not stupid the information is in there but its #hidden from me bc my neurobiology is fucking annoying. whatever. #unrelated