#but the vet seems pretty positive the results will be good! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

glowingbadger · 2 years

Note

Open requests right before my birthday! Perhaps we could do an arranged marriage prompt for Virion. Awakening nobility seems more chill than fe3h, but we can pretend.

Well I've definitely missed your birthday by now lmao but I hope it was a good one!!

I feel like I've started getting too caught up in like, actual plot in these arranged marriage pieces, and they end up way too long as a result lmao I promise there's fucking in this eventually.

Side note, this was the piece that finally prompted my fiance to say, "you should really write a regency style bodice ripper romance novel- just take your favorite pretty boy traits and your stern, serious type and you've got a great romantic lead" lmao when I tell you I felt both very seen and very attacked

Virion (FE Awakening) x AFAB/fem Reader

Arranged Marriage

You're well aware that your union to the recently restored Duke of Rosanne is a form of retribution more than anything else. A punishment passed on to you from foolish and cruel parents who placed their faith and their financial support behind a warmongering despot, rather than their tender-hearted Exalt. When, against all odds, the Exalt did indeed triumph, it left your family without their precious conqueror to protect them, and floundering for a way to secure their position. In the end, you were offered to Lord Virion, ostensibly to secure your family's renewed loyalty to the Exalt and his allies, yet you know well enough that the Duke's reputation is not as lofty as it once was. To be made his wife is to be made consort to a coward and a fool.

A marriage of traitors it may be, but you're determined to make something of it. You had never agreed with where your family had placed their allegiance, and you see no reason why their folly should bring your downfall. Rosanne is a beautiful and verdant territory, as rich in crops and greenery as it is in culture, and while its Duke's character may be questionable, but the value of the land and its people is anything but. You've made up your mind to serve the people of this land the way they deserve, rather than turn tail or hole yourself up in a lavish manor.

And you immediately commit yourself to this work. You acquaint yourself with local nobles and advisors of the manor, vetting for yourself which ones can be trusted and relied upon. You gather records of crop yields and economic fluctuation by years, and you visit markets and town centers to learn the perspective of sellers and buyers alike. You very nearly keep yourself busy enough to keep your thoughts from straying towards your husband.

Virion is every bit as beautiful as you'd heard, of course, which is infuriating enough on its own. Silver hair frames a charming smile which is, more often than not, far too genuine for comfort. And there's a shrewdness in his eyes that belies the flippant and foppish bearing he presents. To be entirely honest with yourself, you'd have to admit that you're not certain what to make of the man. His behavior towards you is endlessly gentlemanly; he's practically doting in his efforts to ensure that anything you require is given- and yet, he's asked nothing in return. Or, he hasn't thus far, you remind yourself. One day, when you'd had quite enough of this pampering and affectionate play-acting, you snapped,

"Will you ever tire of this needless fawning, my Lord Husband?" you said with a sharp and bitter edge to your voice, "Beneath all of that pretense, you're only a man like any other. I know your aims, and I won't fall to your flattery."

"My, but my wife is a cunning one," he'd replied, his usual slanted smile in place, utterly unmoved by your harsh words, "So, you have seen through my knavish tactics and deduced that my true goal is to win the most tender and earnest affections of your heart, have you?"

You opened your mouth, then closed it again. Your face burned with frustration, and something else that you refused to entertain. No- you had believed his intentions to be far more base than that.

"That's not what I-"

"Fear not, my dearest lady," he said, his voice like silk gliding across your senses as he took your hand in his and brushed his lips to your knuckles, "A true gentleman knows that to attain a lady's heart is no matter of brute conquest, but the sweetest of negotiations."

It's been weeks since that particular exchange, and you still feel a warm tingling at the back of your hand when you think of it. Infuriating. You won't let him distract you.

And you do well in avoiding interacting with him unnecessarily for some time. Meals and sleep, of course, are shared- but beyond this, you keep yourself busy, and you convince yourself that you don't care in the least what Virion occupies his own time with. Though from time to time, your own efforts in furthering Rosanne's restoration do require the Duke's signature, and it's on one of your rare visits to confirm some routine paperwork that you happen upon him in the midst of an advisory meeting in his study.

It's droll business, you imagine- all of these meetings are. That is, until you hear the scrape of a chair across the floor from beyond the heavy double doors, and Virion's voice, cutting through the air like the point of a rapier.

"I simply must ask you, my good fellow- which bandit camp did you patronize to have this reviewed and approved before bringing it to me?"

"I- pardon me, sir?"

"I ask merely because no civilized person could have possibly drafted this tax proposal," you nearly jump at what sounds like papers slammed onto a desk. You've never heard Virion even slightly perturbed before, let alone the seething fury evident in his voice now.

"This is the most disgraceful display of economic barbarism that I have ever laid my eyes upon. In short, I will not stand for it."

"My Lord," the advisor says with audible strain, "Forgive me, But have you been briefed and informed on the daunting scale of the restorations this manor will have to undergo to even approximate its pre-invasion state?"

"Yes, very well- shall we commission a grand portrait of my divine likeness for the entrance hall? Repair the floors with murals in gemstones and plaster cracked walls in fresco? Then, in two months time, when this land's citizens have rationed and rationed only to lay eyes upon empty cupboards, they can gladly take solace in my own personal splendor and opulence. A feast for the eyes only, perhaps, but a feast nonetheless!"

"Milord has always had a... gift for fanciful expression," his advisor replies flatly. A few footsteps and a brief rustling of paper follows. Then, he goes on, "I warn you, sir: a bleeding heart will drain you dry."

You can hardly believe that a mere financial advisor would speak to his lord in such a way. You've half a mind to push past the oaken doors and... and what? Speak in Virion's defense? A man whom you'd considered near intolerable until this very moment? Your brow creases as you attempt to examine this new feeling, but you're shaken from your thoughts by your husband's voice.

"That may well be the case. But at the very least, I will remain a man who possesses a heart at all."

The silence that follows is tense. Even you can't help but hold your breath from your vantage point beyond the study door. Eventually, the advisor speaks,

"Milord, with... all due respect," his voice is tinged with evident distaste, "I feel it may be necessary to put a point on your current position."

Virion's voice is softer, yet resolute as he replies with clear finality,

"My position is precisely why I will continue to prioritize the well-being of my citizens."

Silence once again- then, footsteps approaching the door. You back away so you don't seem to have been eavesdropping, but you're not able to escape before Virion appears before you. Seeing you, his expression warms and his rigid posture relaxes.

"My dearest Lady, I do hope you were not disturbed at all by that unpleasantness."

"No, I- I just arrived, actually," he stands so near to you, and for the first time, you notice and appreciate the subtle, tasteful scent of his cologne. For a brief moment, you search his gaze for a hint of his thoughts, and you very nearly forget the entire reason you'd come here, "I need your signature," you blurt out abruptly, holding the papers before you.

His smile unwavering, he takes the forms you'd prepared, and without even glancing at them, he says,

"I will have them for you within the hour."

With a short bow, he turns and departs, and you decide not to linger long enough to encounter that insufferable advisor.

The events of that day linger in your mind despite everything you do to keep yourself busy. Virion had clearly examined the tax proposal in question thoroughly for it to have evoked such a strong reaction from him, and yet your own request for additional agricultural financing had been signed and returned to you within the hour, exactly as promised. Had you perhaps won a level of trust from the Duke through your efforts? And what to make of the firm moral stance he seemed to take, seemingly at odds with his reputation as a coward who fled while his vassals fought tooth and nail?

These questions eventually lead you to the small writing desk at the far corner of your shared quarters. It's not long after dinner, and not nearly late enough for bed. You had spent another carefully polite meal avoiding the deep, dark eyes that seemed both jovial and cutting, lest your fluttering heart force you to confront the recent turn in your feelings- and by now, your patience with these contradictory emotions is wearing quite thin. You're not certain what you hope to learn about the man by wandering about the master bedroom. You'd spent as little time here as possible in the past, yet now, the sight of your shared bed brings a few new possibilities to mind that tint your face a deep red.

You'd been so determined to distance yourself from Virion until now. Now, you wonder. You wonder what his hands would feel like at your hips, up your thighs. You wonder how his lips would taste, how he would sound whispering your name. Surely, it would be only natural for a married couple...

Shaking such thoughts from your head, you take a breath and refocus your gaze at his desk. A candle has been burnt to a stub, the inkwell nearly empty. Among piles of written correspondence (some of which bears the seal of the Exalt himself, you note) and heavy tomes on trade and foreign policy, there lies one well-worn book of classical poetry. You smile and run a hand along the cover. At least his sense of culture isn't a mere pretense- he actually knows his material.

Then, something catches your eye. At the corner of the desk, a small pile of papers rests with a note on top bearing your name. Flicking through the papers underneath, you're filled with a sensation of both warmth and disbelief. These are copies of all of the reports you'd requested over the last several months, and more still that it appears are meant to be sent to you in the near future. He's been helping you from the start- guiding your efforts to get Rosanne back on its feet without ever requesting a hint of praise or even gratitude.

The click of the door opening across the room shakes you from your thoughts, and you whip around to see your husband approaching with a curious gaze.

"Ah, I had hoped to have those sent to you this evening, but it appears that you are, as ever, several steps ahead of me," he says, his tone light and conversational.

"You've been helping me all along," you say softly, stepping towards him in turn, "And I've... I've been so cold to you. Why didn't you ever-?"

"Ah, but would you accept my aid, knowing that it came from a craven fiend such as myself?"

"I... I'm so sorry, Virion, I've been so stubborn," you're hardly able to meet his gaze, but he comes near and guides your face toward him with a finger beneath your chin.

"Willful, perhaps, but hardly stubborn. You acted well within reason of what you had been lead to believe, and I saw no need to challenge you when it worked to serve the people of this land. Aside from which," the corner of his mouth curls into a half-grin, "I find I am quite fond of willful women. I have long believed that only a weak-willed man is unable to appreciate a strong-willed woman."

"Answer me one more thing," you have to force the words out now- having him near is stealing your breath and warming you through, "Everything that you said the other day about that tax proposal- that you refused to enact such predatory policies. Was that all true, or just... posturing?"

He nearly laughs, his hand warm along your jawline as he caresses your face. If he's surprised to hear that you had in fact overheard his conversation, it doesn't show in his expression.

"I hardly expected politics to be the poetry that would sway my lady's heart. As to your question, I shall only say that I endeavor to only ever speak truth."

Without another word, you stand up on tip-toe and press your lips to his. He leans into you, an arm wrapping around your waist pulling you to him as he returns your kiss in full. His lips are so wonderfully soft, his scent intoxicating. Yet the way he handles you is gentlemanly still- almost unbearably so. When you part from him at last, you distantly notice that you'd been clinging to the front of his clothes. Your eyes dart conspicuously toward the bed behind you as you softly say,

"I- I had hoped to make amends for these past few months..."

Virion's brow lowers, his expression uncharacteristically grave.

"I will not have you as part of a transaction," his hand cradles your face, "If you offer out of misplaced obligation, then I resolutely refuse. However... be it out of your own true and earnest desire," his voice lowers, his lips so tantalizingly close to yours, "then I swear that I shall commit myself to your pleasure until you have been satisfied countless times over."

You tug him by his clothing back towards the bed with a heated whisper,

"I want you, Virion."

And now it's him guiding you onto the bed amidst a frenzy of kisses and hastily removed clothing. His hands are everywhere, his warm and delicate touch worshipping the curve down your back, the dip of your waist and out along your hips. His lips travel your skin, waking nerves you'd never realized could be so sensitive; he nips just below your jaw, then up the contour of your ear, pulling an unfamiliar range of blissful sounds from you. It's all you can do to keep up with him. Your hands run across broad shoulders and surprisingly muscular arms (you do recall he had been something of an archer), clinging to him as you breathe out his name.

All the while, he murmurs sweet praises into your ear. Beautiful, radiant, mesmerizing, he goes on, and the words swim in your pleasure-dazed mind. His breath hot, voice low and heady, his hands pull you to him as he sucks tender love-bites down your neck and along your collarbone. At some point, you had both discarded the last of your clothing, but you're too caught up in new and incredible sensations to consider this in any way. Long silver hair tickles over-sensitive nerves that have grown so attentive to his every touch and kiss as his lips run a fiery path down your chest.

Then, you feel the warmth of his tongue at one of your stiffened nipples, and your fingers instinctively curl in his hair as you inhale and arch towards him. His lips surround the sensitive nub as his tongue continues to toy with it, his movements firm and rhythmic, the swell of your breasts pressing against him in turn. Virion is an unabashed lover, you're rapidly realizing; gentlemanly of course, yet anything but shy. Once he's spoiled both of your breasts similarly, stimulating your nipples, kissing and biting flushed flesh until you're panting for breath above him, you vaguely become aware of his hand at your inner thigh.

Your nails drag down his chest as you gasp out,

"More- Virion, please-"

He lets out a shuddering groan, then kisses you deeply, the movements of his tongue slow and erotic. When he parts from you, he remains so close that his lips graze yours as he whispers,

"Goddess above, that I would receive the honor of hearing my name spoken in such a way from one so divine..."

Virion lays beside you, and gently, his fingers press between your soft lower lips, coating them in your arousal until they glide slick across your clit. You inhale and arch towards him again, and he uses the opportunity to loop his free arm under your waist, pulling you against him and never turning his gaze from your expressions. Two fingers surround your clitorus and massage the tender nerves at a steady, rhythmic pace. Pleasure builds rapidly, forcing eager little gasps and moans past your lips, yet before long, these are smothered in deep, adoring kisses. Your fingers comb through his hair as his lips and fingers make love to you in tandem, the hot and restless need for release already building within you.

Your first orgasm rushes through you suddenly and all at once. Trembling thighs twitching in around his hand, your body tenses, then relaxes into Virion's arms as he pushes you rapidly over the edge with fingers steadily stroking your hardened clit. Blinking your eyes back into focus, you whimper his name and pull him down to kiss you, though his touch between your legs never eases.

"Forgive me, dearest," he murmurs, once more kissing along the contour of your jaw, "I don't believe I can possibly allow you to rest, having been granted a taste of something so terribly exquisite."

You haven't even fully recovered from your first climax before those two long fingers press to your gushing wet entrance. With a breathy moan, you feel him push into you slowly, his fingers parting you carefully until they're stroking you deep inside. He handles you as expertly as a bowstring, strong and dexterous fingers pulsing and massaging a range of tender spots within your heat- and without time to come down from your first orgasm, you know you're headed for a second before long.

"Virion-!" his lips are at your neck again, his kisses both achingly sweet and unmistakably lustful. His fingers curl up inside of you, firmly rubbing the tender nerves behind your clit. If you weren't so swept up in the dizzying pleasure, you may have been embarrassed by how easily this man makes you cum. Instead, you tilt your head back on the pillow and whimper out his name as the tingling sensation rises through your core and release takes you again.

This time, he does grant you a moment's rest. His warm gaze levels on you as he pulls his fingers from your now quite soaked pussy and you eventually manage to regain yourself. It's only now that you finally have a moment to view and appreciate his body. As you'd notice before, his arm and shoulder muscles are surprisingly developed and toned for someone of his lithe stature. He's clearly taken good care of himself after the war- battle scars have faded and healed nicely across smooth, fair skin, and every inch of him is well groomed and elegant. Your face warms at the sight of his manhood, harder and a fair bit larger than you'd expected, though he's given no indication that he means to seek out his own gratification.

He speaks your name softly, a hand at your cheek turning your eyes to him.

"Say the word and I shall press you no further. Even the covetous flame you have ignited in me can be quelled."

"Virion, I need you to fuck me," you half-moan to him, the words coming before you can mold them into anything more refined. He gives a low chuckle in reply and moves atop you on all fours.

"I have always admired that frankness about you," he says, before drawing you into another impassioned kiss. Your bodies move in tandem until your legs wrap around his hips and one of his hands laces fingers with yours. Silken hair spills over his shoulders above you, and he never takes his eyes from yours as he aligns the head of his cock between your folds. Then, with a slow and firm push of his hips, you both breathe out a sigh in unison as his length drives into your wet heat. Suddenly, you feel abject pity for the you of the past, who wanted so dearly to distance yourself from this man.

With steadily deeper thrusts, Virion grinds his member into the squeezing contours of your pussy, fitting you around him and sending rolling waves of pleasure through your core. Gasps and moans occasionally break through your kiss, but still you find yourself returning to his lips over and over. You feel his abdomen tighten and flex with each push of his hips, you feel his breath come heavier amidst his kisses, but more than anything, you feel his cock swell and throb deep inside of your tight, clinging cunt. The slick of your prior orgasms coats him, welcoming him deeper, allowing Virion to fuck into you to the base with each pass. With each moment of delicious friction, your bodies adore one another and you find some new, incredible angle or sensation. Before long, your mutual sighs of pleasure fill the bedroom, and you free your hand from his only to wrap both arms around him. Your nails down his back send a shiver through him, and his head sinks onto the pillow beside you as his thrusts deepen.

"I... I am not certain... ho- how much of this I can endure..." he confesses, his breath hot along the shell of your ear, "You are beyond perfection, darling..."

You're surprised he can remain so talkative even now, but his body shows the sincerity of his words. With each sway of his hips, he hardly pulls away from you anymore- only enough to chase that incredible pressure and friction that you both need, as though he can't bear to leave your body for a moment. The head of his cock hits your core, bulging veins grinding against you. One hand steadies him on the mattress, but the other grips firmly at your hips, holding you against him and relishing in the sensation of your skin beneath his touch.

"Don't hold back-" you whimper out to him, "I... I wanna feel... my husband cum for me..."

"Aah..." his lips seek out the crook of your neck, nuzzling against you as his thrusts become harsh and uneven, "You are... too cruel, madame..."

With this, you feel him hold deep inside, his full length buried into you as it swells and twitches, and his climax spills out deep within you. Your body burns and aches, your thighs tremble, but Virion presses messy, impassioned kisses to your throat as he pumps you full of his release, and some hazy part of you wishes this sensation could last forever. But in a few dazed moments of panting, whimpering bliss, you each manage to catch your breath and come down from the incredible high of mutual pleasure.

When he pulls himself from you at last, Virion settles at your side and pulls you to him by the waist. You smile and lean against him, and he raises a hand to delicately brush stray hair from your face.

"I feel I've been thoroughly spoiled," you say, your eyes matching the warmth in his, "I should have done more for you."

"Ah, but I have made myself clear, my lady. Pleasure born of obligation is no pleasure at all."

You put on a fake-pout of sorts, your tone a contrast to how tenderly you run your fingers along the sharp line of his jaw.

"Perhaps I wasn't completely wrong about you. You can be quite difficult after all."

Virion gives a short laugh through his nose, then takes your hand in his and places a gentle kiss atop your knuckles.

"Always with a purpose, my dear. In politics, to serve my people- and in love, to serve you."

#virion #fire emblem #virion x reader #fire emblem awakening #virion fire emblem #fire emblem x reader #feh #fire emblem smut #fire emblem fic #x reader #arranged marriage

43 notes · View notes

theramseyloft · 3 years

Text

4/21/21 Loft Notes

Meds were supposed to arrive today.

They won't get here until Friday.

I'm completely out.

Angel may have lost his chance at recovery.

Patron: "oh no ;_; are there any other lofts/pet pigeon owners in your area/driving distance that is/will be willing to lend you some?"

The racers usually don't bother.

If a birds gets sick, they cull it.

Patron: "wait.. it's Trich... Spartrix can't knock it out?"

Nope. Spartrix only knocks it down to subclinical. And not even that in every case.

Neither Angel nor Leela ate or drank on their own.

Before it slips my mind, I should order another jar of Avionidazole...

Patron: "Which medicine are you out of? Would a local vet maybe have something similar enough?"

I may have barely enough for a full course in the jar already coming.

Avionidazole.

And no. Not many keep it on hand.

Pigeon meds are a frustratingly shady business.

Patron: "Dang, I was hoping they might stock it for parrots or something else"

Trich isn't common in exotic birds, to my knowledge.

It's spread mouth to mouth either by mate/parent feeding or foraging on what a sick bird threw up.

Pet parrots and finches don't really have the opportunity for either.

Well, some good news. I misspoke about Leela.

She's eaten, and laid an egg.

Debating on fostering it.

Patron: "Goddammit, I tried to search for places that can do emergency shipments of it and the only results google gave me were links to your tumblr."

Ok, good news.

I still have Metronidazole on hand.

Which is an effective trich treatment, just not for drug resistant trich.

It's better than just stopping all treatment after two days.

Still going to have to restart the whole round with the resistant tritch meds when they get here, but Angel and Leela won't be going entirely without treatment in the meantime.

All the hospital cages in Quarantine have been cleaned and everyone fed and medicated.

Vito and Liang are eating.

Leela picked at hers a little.

Angel hasn't noticed his.

He's doing a lot of preening, particularly around his throat.

A lot of crop adjustment.

Some self-soothing shoulder preening.

Leela is broody and anxious.

But after doing some pacing, she's noticed her dish and started eating.

Vito and Liang, for reference, have half emptied theirs and seem satisfied for now.

Vito is some how eating and cooing at the same time.

Leela has come back for a second round of grazing.

She tends to feed in a pattern of graze, pace, graze, pace, preen in a corner, graze.

Angel has not changed position.

When not preening, he's hunched and fluffed and generally miserable looking.

Patron: "Its a combo of secnidazole & ronidazole apparently. I have some ronidazole I could send? I've never heard of secnidazole before"

Unless you could get it here before Friday, I think I'm covered and you may end up needing meds for your babies. The second has been ordered, and The metronidazole doses are underway. Gonna give a full course of both. They should be able to safely overlap.

I think Liang may have ruined the prospects of Cookie's youngest as Therapy birds..

They are afraid of every movement, so putting them to work wouldn't help them any.

We'll see if they manage to make it as companions.

The older hen is especially spooky.

The one Vito sired is a cock and relaxes a little more easily.

Patron: "Do you think that treading can spread trich? Considering that it's an exchange of liquid"

Patron: "Trich doesn't reproduce in the reproductive tracks for pigeons - it's not a venereal disease (the human equivalent is though! or more specifically one of the species can be)"

"They usually stay and reproduce in the upper digestive system in pidges (and sometimes move to upper respiratory and then lower respiratory causing big problems... they can also move to the lower digestive system and cause problems there too, I think that's the case with Angel's bloodied poops)"

Patron: "I figured all liquid transfer was risky concerning parasites like that but I guess not lol"

Trich is passed pretty much exclusively mouth to mouth, either mate to mate or parent to peep.

It absolutely can go septic and be in other places, but those are usually lower digestive tract and muscle tissue, not reproductive organs.

It can pass to raptors who eat a pigeon carrying it, septic or not.

Satin and Sprinks are trying again.

He just tread her.

Mistakes were made!

Alex tried to steal Cherub and Tandy's box.

Cherub marched him out by his face, levered him off, and threw him.

Damn, Cookie!

Ginger coming from the front, Satin from the back, and Farthing from the side and she stayed stone still till Pippin finished treading her!

We spent $39.10 at Foy's for 100g of Avionidazole ($29.00) and shipping ($10.10)

Bringing our PayPal balance to $34.70

21 notes · View notes

thejosh1980 · 3 years

Text

Little Wing

(Trigger warning: animal/pet death)

Today, right now, I am sat at the spot where Mijo felt his last sunrise, just 24 hours ago.

He was 28 weeks old, he spent 20 of those weeks with me, and my family. He was my family. He was thrust upon me by my wife and mum, who knew Mijo would be the kind of birthday present I'd want, but could never ask for.

When he arrived he was unexpected. Straight from the car, into my bedroom, onto my lap, what a surprise, it was love at first sight. Those eyes, that tail, that round belly, the fur, I was all in. I had to say goodbye to 4 beautiful pets whom I loved dearly when I left Germany, so then and there I made a quiet, whisper promise to Mijo;

“I'll never ever leave you”...

We began like any other Daddy and cat story, playing, eating, talking to each other. We may have made a few messes on the bed learning to potty train, but I couldn't really fault him, he was perfect. He loved cuddles, got under our feet all the time, talked to us a lot and wanted to be a part of everything happening around the house.

He meowed very loudly too. Sometimes he'd meow from the next room sounding lost and worried. That's when I started to realized something was very different about him. It took about 2 weeks, but then I realized, he was totally deaf!!!! No vacuum cleaner, loud bangs, claps, or door slams could get his attention. When he meowed loudly, it was either because he had to, to feel himself meowing in his head, or he was missing us and could smell us, but not hear us in the next room. I had never had a cat who couldn't hear me call their name, so this was going to be a challenge.

Mijo accepted that challenge...

In a short time I figured out how to clicker train him, using a torch. I love training cats. Most folks think it's impossible, but I've taught cats to fetch, sit and come on command in the past.... So, pretty soon I had him jumping up, over and across chairs and tables on cue. I also learnt a way to “call” him; assuming he could see me, if I knelt down and tapped my leg, he'd come a running. Every time. We had it all figured out.

Grab a harness and a lead, and off we go, walking around the garden. This wasn't a cat, this was a dog. He had very little fear, I mean, he couldn't even hear the birds making a racket or the car driving by or the dog barking next door. He was fixated on me.

I bought him a blow up boat, to use in the pool, to help him get used to floating on water. It was a huge boat for his little size, but he'd hop in, and I'd “treat” him while he got used to the motion. The plan was to build him up to a real boat, or canoe or SUP. I could imagine him walking on water.

He was also great with other cats, so I could take him to visit his cousin and they'd play all day (if we'd let them). He'd come with me to visit other family and then... well, then the real adventures started. Mijo and I could go to the river, the park and the beach. We also went for coffee at the busiest part in the local village, and he took it all in his stride. We took bike rides too, as he sat in a special backpack I had for him. I could hold him while skateboarding or put him on my shoulder as I walked around. He was chill, happy to see and smell his silent world.

When Alex or I came home, and he'd be in the bedroom snoozing or gazing out the window, we could come in, take off our shoes, put our stuff down, maybe run to the loo, then we could snuggle up with him, cause he hadn't heard us arrive. He would just be waiting... He'd just wait for someone to step close enough, blow on his ear, feel a vibration and then he'd meow a big BIG hello, purr and snuggle. He was a no pressure cat... But always ready for hugs and pats.

Besides being deaf, he just didn't seem like any other cat I'd had or even met...

But isn't the way it is with all pets? They're all unique.

He loved Alex. He always had a hard decision between my lap and hers, or sleeping close to one or the other. We had a son to take care of, to love and to enjoy. At the beginning, Alex wasn't sure about having a cat, she'd pretty much always been a dog person, but it didn't take long for Mijo to wrap her around his little paw. She was hooked.

We thought he was going to be grow up to become a big boy. You know, Maine Coon sized 5-6 or maybe 7 kilo. We had high hopes for a dog-like cat, big enough to take on the world. We wanted to show him the world too.

After he had his snip (desexing) in mid March, he wasn't very well, and it really traumatized all of us, we just weren't sure why he took it so badly. He was in a lot of pain, even though the operation itself was quick and really good, with no issues. He would spend the day, in his “bread loaf” position, with his nose to the ground. It was like he was conserving all his energy for when we came home or wanted his attention.

Eventually, after a few weeks he bounced back, back to being his usual self, for a while. He actually lost a lot of fur during this time, most likely due to a reaction to the antibiotics and pain killers. Where his collar and harness were, he lost all his hair. It only took a few days, a bit too quick to realize what was going on, he rarely wore the collar or harness after that. It meant we sometimes lost him in the house without his bell on to tell which room he was in, so I'd be running around turning on and off the lights to get his attention and a meow.

It was our fun game of “Mijo Polo”.

We had noticed he wasn't eating as much, and he wasn't as playful. In fact, all his toys were being ignored, and he rarely chased anything we teased him with. When we took him for playtime with his cousin, he wouldn't last as long play fighting. Something was up, we thought he'd bounce back by now.

Overall, he was a very chilled cat, having just had an operation and now with, ringworm, a tooth problem (one adult tooth was causing him problems and needed to be pulled) maybe that was why he wasn't too interested in food. Surely it wasn't bacteria, an infection or a virus in his blood.

In early May, Mijo developed ringworm, which, by the way, isn't a worm but rather a fungal infection. The vet already had us on anti fungal cream day and night. It's very unusual to get ringworm; it's all around us, but a strong immune system, actually, a decent immune system, would fight off any infection naturally. Cats generally just lick it all off their fur. Humans sometimes get it, from a scratch or a wound. It's in the soil, it's in the air.

When we got the treatment for the ringworm, we also gave him an appetite stimulant, to encourage him to eat, but it made little difference. As nothing changed, we went back to the vet a few days later, and did a hypothyroidism test; the results were borderline.

What could be going on?

At the time of his desexing operation, he was 1.7 kilos, a week later he was down to 1.5 and eventually 1.45 kilo. His body was growing a little, but his muscle and fat wasn't.

We talked to the vet and decided, even though his ringworm was infectious, the tooth had to go, sooner rather than later. It seemed logical that it was his biggest barrier to fulfilling his dietary requirements and his well being. We wanted him fattening up, growing up, and being his usual self again, ASAP. We needed to get him back on track towards good health, enough was enough.

On Monday 17th May I dropped the little guy off at the vet for the day. A check up and a tooth pull.

Before any cat gets an anesthetic, they run a simple blood test to determine if the cat is well enough. During the day we got a call that the operation couldn't happen, and that he'd have to stay in over night or longer, with meds to help him, because his red cell blood count was low. 10%. Most cats need around 40%, if there's any complication with the tooth pull, his blood may not clot.

It's official, he was very unwell.

I was at school when I got the news. I was in shock. Our little boy was that unwell? But he does eat (a little), he does walk on the lead with me, he's eating his treats... was he that unwell?

Suddenly we had to decide on some expensive tests to figure out what was wrong with him. I mean, the red blood cells were being eaten up by the white ones, but why?? We arranged the suggested tests and they kept him in over night.

I was very distraught. How can my little guy be so unwell yet behave well? With that blood count, he shouldn't be able to walk, he should be so lethargic that he can't keep his head up!! He should be in a coma.

All in all, theoretically, he should be dead.

So was it dwarfism, hypothyroidism, mycoplasma??? And and and?? Tests... Blood being taken.. Our boy in the vet over night, alone, worried, scared??? Will he make it through the night? I didn't sleep well...

On Tuesday afternoon the vet let us bring him home. His blood level was down to 9.1%. The idea was that, at least at home he'd have cuddles and love, and that might help his immune system. He was lethargic but not completely terrible. I would need to bring him in on Wednesday for another blood test, to see how he was doing.

On Wednesday, it didn't go well, Mijo had gone from 9 to 8.1% blood level. It was now becoming almost impossible to get any blood out of him. I saw how difficult it was 2 weeks earlier when he had the hypothyroid test, they had to try on both legs and his neck to get a half mil of blood! He was a champ and barely complained. But now, I couldn't imagine the pain he went through with even less blood.

He's been that sick for how long?? Why hadn't we noticed?

We were panicking.

The vet suggested we meet with a mature, more experienced doc, on Thursday. We should be able to figure something out, we had to. Each day = less blood = more chance of...

Well, I am a hopeful guy. I realize, I live on hope. I spent years hoping certain people in my life would change, or love me in a way that I feel some love. I always hope things will change for the better. I don't know why, but it's ingrained in me to feel hopelessness or hope... I think I'm never in the middle... or is that called acceptance? OK, maybe I do feel that too, eventually... But it takes a long long time...

I have videos of Mijo on Thursday 20th, he's cleaning himself in the sun, meowing and purring, happy to see me, walking around the garden with me. Full of life and adventure.

At lunch time, Mijo and I go to the vet. He is his usual cute self, always curious at the vets, and now there's a the new guy he's meeting, what an adventure.

Before he opens the cat box he said something along the lines of “Well, because his blood levels are so low, today is really about deciding if he goes to heaven or not...” I'm not sure, but I know I heard words like “heaven” and “euthanasia” early on in the consultation. Shock was setting in. I barely heard anything else he said, luckily we had Alex on the speaker phone.

Turns out, not only is our little guy deaf, he's an anomaly.

Any cat with 8.1% should be comatose. They should barely be able to walk. They certainly can't pee or poo without help and don't drink or eat much. Mijo came out of his box and sniffed around, was alert and ready to meet the new guy!!

The vet was stumped. He had never seen this before, in over 30 years...

We didn't know he was so sick, because, he was, overall, a well behaved cat. His weight he lost, sure, but he was now at least stable. He was eating, it just took a lot of creativity sometimes to spark his interest (mostly warming up meals and giving him treats).

The vet tried to explain to me, but I'm sure Alex on the phone understood it clearly, that we had very little time, well, no time. We had 3 choices that day. Go to a specialist an hour's drive away, give Mijo steroids and hope he had mycoplasma or Immune mediated hemolytic anemia (IMHA) or, lastly, euthanasia.

Wait???? What does that even mean??

The specialist would give him a blood transfusion, and some special custom drugs which should help him. The vet said it could cost in the 10s of thousands, and may help Mijo for a few weeks, but it's not a solution that we are sure would be long term or not.

Giving Mijo steroids would give him a fighting chance, or not... Basically it could cure or kill him. Because we aren't sure what is the cause of the low blood count, it could be IMHA, mycoplasma or something else, but it's a best educated guess at this rate. If it is the wrong choice, he may die quicker than expected.

Euthanasia, no explanation needed.

We decided on steroids. According to the vet, there was a 50/50 chance it would work. If the cause of the blood cells killing off each other was for or against steroids, we'd know soon enough. Still shocked I tried to understand it all. I'm so grateful Alex was on the line and knows this stuff through experience and study.

The idea of taking Mijo an hour's drive north to the specialist, to a cubicle, a place where we may not be with him 24/7, on the off chance that he wouldn't make it and die alone, we couldn't fathom that.

Mijo took the steroid injection like a champ, he always did injections well. He was given some antibiotics to also help. The vet said, that by Saturday we'll know if it was the right decision. We'd know if he would be getting better...

It was decided that on Monday 24th we'd go back in for a blood test to actually see if the steroids were working (cause apparently one can't really tell with Mijo's behavior, the cheeky monkey).

Mijo and I came home, and well, he ate, he was purring, sitting on my lap. The usual deal. When I went out to get the washing in, he tried to go out too, something we, as parents, have been very protective about. He doesn't go out alone, he doesn't go out without a lead or a bell. He's not an easy cat to find if he runs off, not that he has ever tried. He deaf, he can't hear cars or other dangers out there.

I promised him I'd take him out to that side of the house/garden that afternoon...

So we did, we went out, we sat down, he explored. He was well, good, better, best. He was my boy. He trusted me, I trusted him. I'm always amazed how well he walks by my side, like a dog, with loose leash... Taking my steps as cues when to walk, and when to stop.

We also met the neighbor's dog, which was a first, both were not really interested in each other... But still, Mijo knew there's a lot to live for...

Overnight he went great... Woke up with him on my chest relaxing waiting for me to get up and feed him, luckily I have a wife who had to get up for work at that moment. I remember she sang him a lullaby and held him like a baby. It was really sweet to see how much love they had for each other. Rock-a-bye Mijo...

We wanted to him feel as much love as we could. We felt that, if the steroids and antibiotics were doing their part, and we did ours, there's nothing he can't beat. And he sure felt the love...

I held him while doing some singing exercises, close to my chest. It was something we hadn't done before, and he purred. He'd look up and meow every time I stopped making vibrations. He felt it, I felt it, it was a connection.

We spent a lot of time, reading, relaxing and sitting on laps. Alex and I cuddled him, told him we loved him. He was really fighting. He was eating. He was a little more playful than in recent weeks. He wanted to live. We could feel it...

He went from eating half a packet to 1.5 packets a day, plus dry food. He always wanted treats, and I was always glad to oblige.

By Saturday he was wonder cat! Kneading... Purring... Chasing toys... Eager to hang out...

We'd overcome the problem! He was getting better. There's fight, love and life left in him. He was amazing. If it hadn't been for his ringworm (which was also healing very very well) I'd say he was perfect, especially once he put on another few grams...

We had 4 awesome days, loads of energy and love. He was never alone in the house, and rarely alone in a room. We wanted him to know, to feel, that we loved him so deeply and that all we want was him in our life, for adventures and cuddles.

On Monday morning, his appetite went down... He didn't really eat much...

We all left for the day, work and school. I think we were all worried, but he'd been so good and improved so so much, that we were sure he'd be fine. We have the blood test booked for the afternoon, I'm sure he'll pep up by then. The injection could be wearing off too...

Mijo and I went in to the vet, and his test came back at 14%!!! Damn, that's 6 points!! The vet expected 3 to be a big improvement. In fact, if he had 3 or less, euthanasia may have been the only option... Happy days! He was well. He's going to live! He'll be fine.

We're not out of the woods yet, but we are in the right direction.

All that love we lavished on him, not just in the past days, but the past 4 months. The adventures, the friends he'd made (both human and animal) the smells and sights he'd seen, the vibrations he felt, it was all coming together... He was a fighter with a lot of love to give...

We were over joyed. Really, I couldn't have been happier when I got the results. I gave a “whoop” and threw my fist in the air (I've never done that before in my life!).

We changed to tablet form steroids, as they'll be better long term, keep up the antibiotics and off we go...

But we all know, that often people and animals, when they know they are dying, they give it one last shot. And that was it... We didn't realize until Wednesday, that he wasn't actually going to get better...

Mijo stopped grooming himself, he slowly ate less and less... He became more and more lethargic, he started to sit in the “bread loaf” position with his nose on the ground, as he did after the snip, resting. We thought it was the change in steroids, and as I was at school and the girls at work, we just kept thinking he'd pep up eventually.

When I left for school Wednesday morning, he was alert, but lethargic. When I came home early to check on him, he had really changed again.

His belly was a little bloated, but he had hardly eaten. He had trouble walking, it seemed like it was a mix of muscle degradation/pain and confusion. His meowing changed to a high pitch cry, similar to that of a young kitten. He also stopped eating, he wouldn't even touch any of his tasty treats. He searched for any bit of sun to stand in, but he was looking so uncomfortable, his posture had changed, half sitting, half standing. I was grateful, when I carried him to his water bowl, that he drank a lot. He also went to the toilet, I held his tail so he didn't make a mess on himself.

We spent the afternoon outside, as the sun started to set. He loved the sun, I wanted him to feel warmth... I held him, talked to him. I don't know now many times I asked him to please hold on, please fight and that I loved him. He looked more comfortable in the sun.

I did film us walking around the pool. I am forever grateful for technology, so that I could just put my phone down, touch a button and record a moment. As we walked and talked, oblivious to the camera, I recognized a change in his breathing... I may have missed it previously, but for sure, his breath was becoming more and more labored. Every 3 or 4 breaths, he just had to try harder... His eyes were changing too... But I was sure he could recognize me, the way the vibrations from my chest reached his body and the way I smell. He would react from time to time, shifting or clawing at me.

He often touched my chest with his paw. Reaching out...

Mum and I went to the vet late Wednesday afternoon, the earliest we could. I explained it must be the change of steroids. No, it wasn't. They were the same type, it was just that he wasn't able to fight anymore. We discussed the specialist, called them and made a plan to go in first thing in the morning. I arranged for a friend to come with me, and Thursday morning bright and early, we were going up to get Mijo cured. Transfusion, drugs, you name it, we were going to do it. We had to, we told him we'd make him better.

There and then, Alex and I decided to trade in our honeymoon, you know from the wedding we had 13 months ago and still haven't done the traditional thing of a week or two away somewhere. We decided the money we had aside for that, would go to Mijo's specialist costs, because without Mijo, our honeymoon, whatever and whenever we decide to do it, wouldn't be worth doing, if he wasn't around.

I made a firm plan on how to help him through the night. We would hold him in shifts... All 3 of us... If one showered, the other held him. Dinner time, we shared the responsibility, not that we ate much anyhow. We cuddled, we talked, we purred, I would blow gently on his head... He was feeling love and he was fighting...

Because he hadn't eaten all day, we decided to try feeding him with a syringe, with success. With the tablets we were putting into his stomach, I felt he needed something else down there too... With a small syringe, he took it well, lapping up a tasty liquid treat.

When it was bed time, we put pillows around the bed, incase he fell, because he was very wobbly on his feet. He would cry out at random times, possibly from pain, but I think more from confusion. He sometimes wanted to get away from us, as we know, pets know when it's time and usually disappear, isolate.

We barely slept. I managed about 3 hours... But it was tough.. He wouldn't stay still, and eventually we put him in his little bed, near our bed... Of course he didn't stay there long.

At 4am I heard him crying... I found him under the bed... Alex woke up too... His breathing had changed a lot... Every breath was labored. He wasn't getting enough oxygen.

I laid on my back, and Mijo laid on my chest. This was how it often was, especially when I was reading... We did that until around 7am... Alex taking turns, holding him, talking to him, loving him. Mijo could barely hold himself up, he just laid in our arms... Breathing... His eyes began to glaze over...

We discussed our options, we felt the specialist was now a long shot. We didn't think he'd make the drive, he was near the end. Our little man had little fight left... And we wouldn't forgive ourselves for him dying in a foreign place. There were a lot of tears and back and forwards, including mum coming in for cuddles with the little guy at 5am...

Alex called the emergency vet, and we planned to go in at 8:30... Mijo's time had come...

When the sun comes up, if the blind is open in our bedroom, the sun shines right on through to Alex in bed, Mijo was in her arms, while she drank coffee as the sun rose.

Sometime later I took the little guy out to the pool, where we walked and talked, cuddled and loved, around and around, in the morning sun. I talked to him about all the adventures we had, riding bikes, visiting people, the beach and the river. I spent most of that hour, holding him, looking to his eyes... He gazed up, I just hope he knew it was me. I just knew he felt the vibrations of my words.

We both told him, it was OK to let go now. We were ready. But he kept on fighting for each breath... I think he was just like his Dad, always hopeful..

He last moments at home, where in the chair I'm sat in now. It gets the best light, first thing, even though it's inside the “catio”. Alex had sat down while I was walking outside, I seem to do better when I walk, and I brought him in for cuddles with her in the sun... He was bathed in sunshine, in Alex's arms... It was beautiful...

Actually getting in the car and going to the vet, was tough, but it really hit me when I walked in. I held the little guy, and just burst into middle-aged-man tears and sobbing... If you were there, you'd know I was my mother's son, cause she was sobbing too... I couldn't look anyone in the eye... I didn't understand what was going on, or about to go on...

I think I was in another place...

We went into a consult room, and I just laid the little guy down, not thinking of using the blanket we had... The vet explained the procedure and took him away for his catheter and first injection, some anesthetic? I don't know, but apparently it was the right thing, it helped with his pain.

I couldn't even look Alex or Mum in the eye... I just cried...

I still had hope...

When they came back, Mijo was wrapped in a soft blanket, what a great idea...!! He was quieter, more peaceful... The vet left to give us a moment...

He was still breathing, still fighting... I put my ear to his face, and heard him...

I kept making sure his eye lids closed from time to time. I remember back when Catalina, my little girl in Germany, needed to be anesthetized for a check up. The vet put some put liquid drops in her eyes and made her blink, so her eyes didn't dry out... So for Mijo, I did that every once in a while... I didn't want his eyes to dry up... I wanted him to be able to see me, because laying on that table, he couldn't hear me.

I begged Alex not to bring the vet back in for the final injection... I think I may have screamed something at her... I don't know... I wasn't me... I was trying to hold him in my arms, without moving him... I was trying to give him another chance...

I bawled...

I don't know if I have ever cried like that before... I thought I'd be all cried out... I thought all my tears had already left the building the previous hours and days... But there was more... a lot more... and more to come...

I know that Alex and I held hands over his body... I felt the love... I felt his warmth... his breathing... I know I cried tears onto him, there were tear drops on his lips...

I looked him in the eye as much as I could, but mostly, I cried...

I felt the liquid go into him, I felt it go around my hand into him...

I don't know much about what happened after that... I know I didn't want to leave him, I had promised him I would never do it. I regret not holding him once more... I know that at that moment, I felt the life drain out of me... I felt hope die...

I walked out, not knowing what to do, and flopped down on the grass outside... I never sit on grass, but Mijo liked it...

I managed to drive home...

That was yesterday...

Since then I've tried to rest, tried to come to grips with what has happened, tried to connect with a few friends, I've tried... I'm still trying...

This morning I got up wanting to do some sport, washing, then study and take on the day with confidence... It's a new day, I should take that opportunity to get back into my routine... It took all of 1 minute, from bed to bathroom, to be bawling... Except for the time I manage to calm down enough to type this blog, I've been crying... It's now 10am... I was awake at 6:15...

We are running out of tissues..

I felt so bad this morning, I wanted to plead with Alex not to go to work, because I just can't today. I just can't. We have discussed how she copes in these situations, and I know that's how she copes, by going to work, so I kept my trap shut. I just want her to hug me all day, so I can feel her warmth.

I cried so much on the drive to drop mum off at work this morning, she started crying too, and contemplated not going to work... She wanted to be there for me, but I told her, honestly, I don't think I'd be much company today.

I don't know the grieving process, we haven't learnt that in counseling school yet, but I do know, I'm feeling very lost... I feel very numb...

I can't explain it, and maybe that's why folks can never really explain how they feel after someone close to them, or their pet, has passed. We are just lost.

I also feel that I am grieving for my other losses in my life. It's a bit like, it's a culmination of all the others before him, plus him on top, making me feel pain like I have never experienced before.

Grief is just love, with no place to go... Alex and I talked about that quote last night. I used this quote to help me through leaving my 4 pets in Germany, I know I have to find a new place for my love, but for now, I just can't.

I know I couldn't have gotten through this without the support of my Mum and Alex...

While Mum cries at the drop of a hat, she is solid and thoughtful and loving. Alex is strong and experienced in these matters. She knew what to say, and when, even if I did yell back… Both have a lot of time and patience for me.

I know Alex and Mum feel bad, maybe even guilty, for choosing him. Mijo was a present, to give me joy and love and comfort. And he sure did, in multitudes, to all of us. I would never have gotten a cat back then, I didn't feel Alex or I were ready, we were still working through our issues with our pets in Germany.

Alex and I decided that we want Mijo home with us. He was only on this earth for 6.5 months, we expected him to be with us for 10+ years. Taken too early. Once he's cremated we'll have him in a little urn. He was so small, but if there's a little left over, we will either plant a tree with his ashes or sprinkle him down by the river, the first place he went to that was close to water.

The past day or so, I have shared what happened with some friends, classmates and family, and everyone has been so thoughtful and caring. Thank you, it's really helped to know you're all out there, thinking of the little guy. He would have loved to meet you all.

He was perfection. If someone else had gotten him, realized he was deaf, they may not have given him the adventures and life he had. Mum considers him a rescue cat...

So here I am, in the chair, his last chair in his last moments at home.

I can still smell him on my shirt. When I walk around the house, dazed, I sniff my shirt. He had a wonderful smell. The smell of love and adventure. I hope that smell lasts a life time.

I miss his warmth, his meow, which was damn loud!! I miss, that sometimes he'd get lost around the house... Or he'd lose me, around the house. He was gentle, and only bit me once, by accident, piercing my thumb a little. I miss the fact he had 1 tooth growing forward, directly out, making him a tri-toothed kitten with a protruding top lip! He took on the world without fear. I've never experienced anything like it in a cat. My girl Catalina did sit on my shoulder as I walked down the street in Germany, but Mijo, he let me go skateboarding with him, played guitar with me (he'd chew the strings) and one time, I even vacuumed his tail.

All trust. No fear.

Back when he lost all his hair around his neck and stomach after his snip operation, we were pretty concerned. Funnily enough, it grew back pretty quickly, but it grew back white, not grey. He had a ring around his neck and kind of marks on his back wrapping around to his belly. Alex googled it, and actually found out, cats can often have their hair grow back white after trauma or experiencing extremes of temperature if their hair was cut short or fell out.

About a month ago, I sent my dearest of friends, Sandra, a photo of his regrowth, and she commented looks like “little angel wings”...

Fly on little wing, fly on...

RIP Mijo Angus

12-11-2020 – 27-05-2021

Thanks for reading,

Josh

#pet #pet love #pet death #sad story #loss #griefandloss

11 notes · View notes

followthebluebell · 4 years

Text

FIP: Feline Infectious Peritonitis

Sprinkles contemplates some birds. We’re re-doing the catios right now, so they’re all closed off. I think she’s looking forward to being outdoors again.

I’m putting a cut here because this is a LENGTHY READ and, in case of further developments, I’d like to be able to easily update this article.

In October 2019, she was diagnosed with ocular FIP (Feline infectious peritonitis), which is a mutation of feline coronavirus (FCoV, which is very distinct from SARS-CoV-2, the virus that causes COVID-19). FCoV is ubiquitous in the cat population: almost every cat has it or is exposed to various strains of it. Most cats get over it just fine with only mild diarrhea. In a small percentage of cats (we’re uncertain on the percentage, which I’ll get into later, but it’s theoretically somewhere between 5-10%), it goes fuckwhack apeshit and mutates into FIP.

We don’t know why it spontaneously mutates. There seems to be a genetic component to it. It’s believed to be more common in purebred cats, but we’re really not sure--- since FIP is a diagnosis by exclusion, there often is a hefty vet bill attached to the diagnosis and a person who can afford to buy a purebred cat from a cattery is more likely to be able to afford that bill. It MAY be triggered by stress. It’s much more common in younger cats, often appearing in kittens ranging from 4 months to 4 years. This doesn’t mean older cats are safe; I know of at least one case in a 12 year old cat.

Sprinkles was diagnosed at 3 and a half months. She didn’t have a particularly stressful event before developing symptoms. She’s not a purebred. I don’t know anything about her genetic history, so I can’t cross that off the list.

Mickey, my second FIP kitten, was diagnosed at 4 months. I know slightly more about his health records but it’s still scant. He arrived with an unusual skin ailment: sarcoptic mange. Hypothetically, this could indicate an already delicate immune system that left him vulnerable to this sort of FCoV mutation.

FIP is deadly and remains, to this day, the most horrifying disease I’ve ever personally encountered. Thankfully, FIP itself is NOT contagious. FCoV is highly contagious but, as previously mentioned, it’s fairly common in the cat population. There was a study done to see if separating kittens from their mother at 7 weeks (approximately the period when a mother’s antibodies begin to wear off and the kittens have to begin producing their own) would prevent cats from catching FCoV from her. This was effective but the social drawbacks are too heavy a cost for it to be considered regularly.

There is a vaccine for FCoV but it’s largely ineffective and most vets don’t recommend it.

FIP comes in two primary forms: wet (effusive) and dry (non-effusive). Usually, FCoV exists only in the gastrointestinal system. It’s really the only place it can replicate itself with ease. Once the virus mutates, it can’t replicate itself as well, but it CAN infect macrophages. Macrophages are highly mobile white blood cells. They go pretty much everywhere, and ones infected with FIPV (Feline Infectious Peritonitis Virus) will carry the virus along for the ride.

The early symptoms are vague. These cats are lethargic, listless, have low or no appetite, weight loss, and a fluctuating fever. The first symptom I caught in Sprinkles was complete avoidance: she was actively avoiding other kittens and other kittens were avoiding her. Mickey’s only symptoms were lethargy and diarrhea. I only got suspicious about possible FIP because the other kittens in his playgroup didn’t have any diarrhea at all.

And this is where we see a split in the forms of FIP.

Effusive FIP is characterized by the accumulation of fluid within the abdomen and is more common. It happens very quickly. Cats with effusive FIP develop breathing problems rapidly. The fluid drawn from the abdomen is usually straw-yellow. Effusive FIP is said to be more common, although only one of the 5 cases I’ve seen in the last few years was wet FIP.

Thankfully, effusive FIP has a few distinct traits that makes it easier to diagnose. It’s important to remember that FIP itself is generally a diagnosis by exclusion.

Measuring the protein in the effusion is a good first step. If it’s less than 35g/l, FIP is generally ruled out.

The albumin to globulin ratio is considered next, via a blood test. If it’s less than 0.4, FIP should be considered.

Finally, examining the cells in the effusion is valuable. If they’re primarily lymphocytes, FIP is excluded.

Non-effusive FIP is more difficult to spot, because the symptoms are so varied. Granulomas (inflammatory cells) form in various organs, which produces an extreme variety of symptoms. The most commonly affected symptoms are the ocular and neurological symptoms.

Ocular FIP happens when the virus crosses the blood-ocular barrier and is characterized by slightly opaque white films on one or both eyes; these don’t cover the entire eye. They’re often just a small section. This was the first distinct symptom I saw in Sprinkles. It’s considered a distinct enough sign that her ophthalmologist was able to tell me that she was 99% certain it was FIP.

Neurological FIP is my own personal hell. The virus crossed the blood-brain barrier and infects the brain. The first symptom is usually a limp or a slight tremble in the head. The paralysis often begins in the hind limbs and it travels upwards. The cat eventually loses all mobility. If the cat is lucky, they’ll begin to have seizures instead and die soon afterwards. Like I said, it remains the single-most awful thing I’ve ever seen.

Non-effusive FIP is harder to diagnose than effusive FIP, especially if the cat fails to develop ocular or neurological symptoms. In these cases, the only symptoms the cat has are fevers, diarrhea, and other non-specific issues.

Once again, the best bet is to consider the albumin to globulin ratio. The same rule of ‘if it’s under 0.4, FIP should be considered’ holds true.

Unfortunately, checking for antibodies is fairly useless. A positive FCoV test just means the cat has been exposed to FCoV.

FIP is deadly. While there are some isolated cases of cats seemingly recovering from it, I think it’s more likely that those were simply misdiagnosed cases. As I’ve said before, FIP is a diagnosis by exclusion, so a misdiagnosis can happen fairly easily. A cat with wet FIP is gone in days. A cat who’s unlucky enough to develop neurological FIP may linger for weeks until they die of starvation, oxygen deprivation as the lungs themselves are paralyzed, or dehydration. Ocular FIP generally spreads into the brain, causing seizures.

Sprinkles is very, VERY lucky. I had been following the study very closely and I had an acquaintance who recently started treating her foster cat for FIP. I was able to get into contact with some folks and obtain experimental treatment for my kittens.

GS-441525

In February 2019, there was a very promising study on a specific drug called GS-441524. Most of the cats involved with the study made a full recovery. The company (Gilead-Sciences) behind the drug wasn’t interested in getting it FDA approved for cats out of concern that it would affect its approval for human use. See, if it’s used officially for cats, Gilead-Sciences would be obligated to report any negative side-effects and that could impact getting it approved for human use down the line. “One of the rules in drug development is ‘never perform a test you don’t have to, if the results could be problematic,” isn’t an uncommon saying. It’s one of the reasons why I fell out of research and development myself.

I had some pull and was able to get experimental access to this drug for Sprinkles and, later, Mickey.

Both kittens went through three months of daily injections and a further 3 months of observations before they were deemed FIP-free. After seeing 3 other cats die from it, it’s been a blessing to see them recover. They’re both especially lucky that they finished their treatment cycle JUST before COVID-19 hit American shores since I couldn’t, in good conscience, continue using a very promising antiviral in cats when it would likely be needed by humans.

It’s definitely not a perfect system. Three months of daily injections (or pills) is not ideal for the average owner for several reasons. In addition to the difficulty of injecting a cat with an EXTREMELY painful drug daily, it also requires a lot of math; the dosage has to be adjusted daily to take weight gain into consideration. Even the concentration has to be adjusted at times. I haven’t used the pills at all, but I know a lot of people have had problems with cats biting through the pills. In addition, the pills seem less effective against neurological or ocular FIP.

Gilead-Sciences has refined GS-441524 into GS-5734 (named Remdesivir), which is supposed to be more efficient. Hypothetically, the addition of the phosphate groups should make it easier for it to get across barriers and be absorbed more easily. Hopefully this will result in a shorter treatment time, although I suspect it will be more expensive than GS-441524. This is already a substantial cost attached to GS-441524, with the treatment of a single cat or kitten over 1,000 USD.

As of writing (April 20, 2020), neither Remdesivir nor GS-441524 are available to the average public legally. Remdesivir has been approved for use in humans with COVID-19 in emergency cases.

#work #cat #FIP #long post

261 notes · View notes

dovechim · 5 years

Text

a remedy for mondays 01 (m)

➾ 11.2k

➾ summary: all you wanted was just one day off work. but for that to happen, you need to invent a plausible reason. and then somehow, somewhere along the way, things get out of hand, and now people think you’re having a baby with your co-worker Park Jimin after a one-night stand. confused? join the club.

➾ warnings: impregnation kink (all that jazz, u guys should know by now), brief mention of pregnancy termination, future smut

➾ a/n: this is written purely for fun & i hope you can understand my humour!!! please don’t go having babies just for some time off work. by the time i post this, it will be monday where i live. i hope this brings you all some joy :-)

ps: thank you to @jimlingss, who always hears my crazy ideas out and encourages me to go for them. heck, sometimes she even brings it out of me. idk where i would be without you :”D

You hate this.

The saying goes: work to live, not live to work. But at this rate, you’d rather just not exist at all if you have to continue work at this god.darn.fucking.job.

All around you, people are huddled into their seats, heads bowed below the partition that separates the desks. Frankly, you think this whole open-plan office thing is just bullshit. Who the fuck wants to make eye contact with Jeon Jeongguk when he’s picking his nose in the middle of editing a spreadsheet?

Not you, that’s who.

You sink even lower down in your seat as you continue to stare your screen with a pounding headache. The numerous open windows on your desktop are just mocking you at this point. The morning seems to be crawling by. Usually, you ration out your morning coffee and breakfast to keep you going; so your morning goes a little something like this: arrive 8.30am, check emails, get water from the pantry and fuck about while your bosses aren’t here yet till 9.15am. Reply to some emails till about 9.45am, then sit in a daze till it’s 10am and time for you to drink your morning espresso and nibble at the small bun you bought from the bakery nearby.

This usually gets you to about 11am, only an hour more to go till lunch.

A job in the public service is perceived to be prestigious by most; so you suppose you should be thankful for your job dealing with family policy. But what outsiders don’t realise is that working in a governmental organisation as the utmost bottom rung absolutely sucks. There are so many standard operation procedures for nearly every single fucking thing, even emails to senior management needs to be vetted by someone in a higher position than you. As a result, things get done very slowly and even if they do get through to senior management, it might just get rejected because they decide that it’s not good enough. Then the work comes all the way back to you, and the whole dreary process starts again.

Not to mention your asshole boss. Bae Joohyun. Senior Director. She has a notorious reputation throughout the entire department for being a hell witch from Satan’s posse. In her meetings she demands utter silence from everyone other than the presenter; sneezes and coughs or pen clicks and typing are strictly forbidden.

Technically, she isn’t your direct superior, and you don’t work super closely with her, but she has this mandate that all leave requests for the entire department have to be approved by her. You’ve submitted requests 5 times in the past year, none of which have gone through. As a result you haven’t taken a day off in a good three years since you started working here. You still remember that one time she rejected your medical leave and called you to her desk. You’d been nursing a terrible flu, your complexion washed out and almost falling off your feet. Looking in the mirror that morning had been a complete shock. You thought a zombie was staring back at you.

Bae Joohyun had narrowed her eyes at you. “What’s wrong with you that you need to take emergency medical leave, _____?”

“I-it’s this cold, ma’am,” your voice was nasal and stuck in your throat.

Bae Joohyun had rolled her eyes and motioned for you to speak up. “I can’t hear you, stop mumbling for heaven’s sake!”

“I have a cold, ma’am! Has been so for the past three days,” you sniffled and pressed a tissue to your nose.

“A cold?” Bae Joohyun raised an eyebrow sceptically. “You seem fine to me. You look the same as you usually do. Get back to work.”

Sometimes you feel like this company, in all its pro-family views, treats married employees with children better.

The resentment grows inside you as you tap on your keyboard harder and harder, earning you a timid glance from Jeon Jeongguk opposite you. But you ignore him, continuing to type out a reply to someone who somehow failed to read your previous email and continued to ask the exact same questions.

“______?”

You absolutely hate it when someone approaches you from the back in your blind spot and startles you like this. Forcing a smile on your face, you sit up straighter in your chair and turn around. It’s Taehyung from the Baby Bonus Team, and he’s holding a folder with a smile on his face.

“Morning, ______!” He chirps with a sunny expression, and you can barely muster enough energy to greet him back, let alone match his level of enthusiasm on a Monday morning. “Could I just trouble you to update this for me? It’s just our operations manual for the Baby Bonus Team that hasn’t been touched in like… ages. I just need the HR section updated. Is that ok?”

Before you can even reply, Taehyung places a folder on your desk and his email appears on your screen, and he’s off. It’s not a secret that Taehyung loves his job to pieces. He loves children, loves babies, and loves it that he’s doing his part to contribute to the nation’s falling birth rate.

Well, not likethat,since you’re pretty sure he doesn’t have a girlfriend.

But everyone else here seems to love children. Over lunch with your team, all they do is exchange pictures of their children, their friends’ children, or some random baby from Facebook and coo over how chubby and cute they are. You stopped going to lunch with them after Mingyu from Pre-Schools team showed everyone a picture of his niece in a soiled diaper.

Most of your older coworkers who are married with their own families have pictures of their children on their desks. You’re forced to stare at these pictures with the resentment bubbling up inside you as you listen to their latest rant about how your proposal is too skimpy, lacks real research, that email of yours is poorly worded, needs to be recalled etc; so can anyone really blame you when you’re unable to dredge up even the slightest bit of adoration for those grubby faced gremlins?

Clicking open Taehyung’s email and finding the document he attached, you scroll down to the section he mentioned. You realise that he was being modest when he said that it needed an update. The whole fucking section comprises of just a single sentence, and you’ll probably have to write it from scratch.

Sighing through your nose, you click open an internet browser and do a quick google search for the general HR benefits for expecting women and their partners. You also open up the intranet to take a look at your own company’s mandates, which seem to be quite a whole lot more substantial than the general ones (which is only natural since your organisation is so pro-family in its viewpoints). 16 weeks of paid maternity leave, for a start.

Good god. 16 whole weeks? That’s practically 4 months. That’s almost half a year!!!

Obviously you know that having a baby wrecks the mother’s body, and is a major life change; that’s why they need that much leave time. But right now the concept of not having to go to work for that amount of time is simply blowing your mind. Especially since it feels as if you’ve been working non-stop for as long as you can remember.

On top of the 16 weeks is increased medical leave that can be taken any time before the baby is born. Your company is incredibly sympathetic towards pregnant women, which is only natural considering the line of work that you do in family planning. In fact, you know of a few colleagues from the Baby Bonus Team who took almost a whole month of medical leave, spread out, before they had their babies.

Not to mention the actual baby bonus itself.

Curious, you click back to Taehyung’s document and scroll up to the section on Baby Bonus. You scan through and gather that it comprises of a cash gift of $8,000 to $10,000, on top of several other schemes such as a savings account with the amount matched by the government. The total amount of cash receivable just for having one child is listed at the bottom of the page.

You sit back in your chair with a sharp breath. You never realised it was this lucrative to have a baby. Imagine receiving free money from the government, and having all that paid time off. All you need to do is just pop out one (1) baby, and that’s it. You can suck the government dry if you devote the rest of your life to being a baby making machine. See what Bae Joohyun has to say when you slam your maternity leave application on her desk.

The thought makes you smirk triumphantly.

But a moment later, the triumph fades as you remember your very, very single self. Without a boyfriend to knock you up, there’s no way this scheme would work.

Sighing, you shake your head to get rid of all the useless fantasies as you get back to work.

“Hey, _____. Meet our new joiner,” Jeongguk’s voice stirs you from the zoned out state you’re in, frantically typing away.

It’s well after lunch now; somehow the time had flown past while you were working on Taehyung’s document.

You look up to meet Jeongguk’s eyes, and then your gaze shifts to the slightly shorter man beside him. He is wearing a large pair of black glasses that cover nearly half his face; his blonde hair is parted down the middle and neatly slicked back. This man can’t even meet your eyes; he gives you a nervous little smile but his gaze is off, fixed somewhere on your shoulder. His white dress shirt is tucked in neatly to his black dress pants, but he is constantly fidgeting.

“Park Jimin. Welcome to the team, buddy,” Jeongguk slaps Jimin on the shoulder with a grin. “You’re sitting beside me.”

“Welcome, nice to meet you,” you smile and nod at him, but otherwise remain seated. No one can or will distract you from this document. You need to finish this by today, or else you’ll have to bring it home to work on it.

Park Jimin nods shyly as Jeongguk shows him to his seat. With this current arrangement, it means that the three of you are all facing each other in this cluster of desks. Sighing internally, you watch Jimin take his seat and arrange his things, see him glance shyly at you from behind his enormous glasses before his eyes dart away and he hides behind his desktop.

What a weird guy. He hasn’t said a single thing. Whatever. You turn back and resume typing, but then your phone chimes with an email notification.

CONGRATULATIONS!!! YOU HAVE WON MEET AND GREET PASSES TO MEET agust d TOMORROW!!!

Your heart skips a beat and you abandon typing just to open the email. You bid for these meet and greet passes months ago when you bought tickets to see your favourite rapper in concert. No news had resulted in you concluding that you hadn’t won after all, and you were contented with the chance just to see agust d in real life.

But now…

You scroll down to look at the details of the meet and greet.

24 September 2019, from 4pm (please see your specific timeslot on your attached passes)

Each meet and greet session comprises of: an up close, INTIMATE, one on one opportunity to chat and take photos with agust d, lasting for 15 minutes

Your heart sinks as you check the time on your pass. You end work only at 6pm, and when you’d bought the tickets you thought it’d be fine for you to go straight after work since the concert only starts at 7pm. There’s no way you’ll be able to take half day leave to attend the meet and greet. There’s no way Bae Joohyun would let you.

Sitting back in your seat in despair, feeling the angry tears well up in your eyes and the frustration cloud your chest, you don’t notice a pair of meek eyes behind black glasses peek out behind the desktop.

All that’s going through your head is: there has to be a way, there has to be a way.

There’s no way you’re letting these passes go to waste just like that. There’s no way you’re not meeting agust d just because Bae Joohyun has a stick up her ass.

Tuesday morning finds you at Bae Joohyun’s desk with a leave application filled out. You carefully set it on her desk, knowing full well that she comes in at 9.30am on the dot every day.

Rumour has it that she colour codes her outfits based on her mood that day. As you slink back to your desk, you catch a glance of her clad fully in black, striding powerfully into the office in her black pumps.

Your heart sinks as Jeongguk sings out a cheerful good morning to you and Park Jimin, whom you hadn’t even noticed was already at his desk.

“Morning, Jeongguk,” you mutter under your breath. “Morning to you too, Jimin.”

The newcomer does nothing more than nod at you as he ducks back behind his computer. But today you don’t have the bandwidth to wonder about him as you click over to Taehyung’s email about the document from yesterday.

“Hey, aren’t you going to see agust d tonight?” Jeongguk sits up straighter.

“Yeah, why?” Your reply comes clipped, already in a bad mood just from anticipating your rejected leave application.

“I heard the results of the balloting for the meet and greet passes came out yesterday,” Jeongguk’s bright eyes are on your face. “Do you know agust d, Jimin?”

The blonde haired man shrugs as part of his face appears from behind his computer.

“Anyway, I think only like five people got the passes, and as of yesterday night, there are already bidders on the black market willing to pay almost a thousand just for one pass,” Jeongguk continues on.

“Huh, really? Who’d be that crazy to pay that much money?” You muse, looking at your phone.

“Right?” Jeongguk sighs dramatically. You know he’d be extra salty if you told him you won passes to the meet and greet. You’d already made the mistake of letting slip that you managed to get a VIP ticket, and Jeongguk had sulked for an entire week after that. “I mean, what are the chances anyway? If you think about it, those people who won the passes must be die-hard fans, since you can only win one if you managed to get a VIP ticket. Which die-hard fan would sell their hard won passes like that?”

The conversation tapers off as you reply to some emails, but you can’t help but glance back at your phone. A thousand dollars just for a meet and greet pass. That’s just crazy. The amount of money some people are willing to spend… it almost makes you wonder if you could… sell it since you can’t make it anyway…

No. No. You can’t sell agust d’s love just for a thousand dollars. You wouldn’t even sell it for a million dollars. Shame on you.

Hushed whispers suddenly erupt around you, and Jeongguk hisses like a startled cat.

“Shit, SD’s coming! Fuck, I was in the middle of a game,” Jeongguk scrambles to turn off his phone, muttering under his breath that his teammates are going to kick him off the team next time.

You sit straighter in your seat and turn your head towards the aisle. Sure enough, Bae Joohyun is fast approaching like a hurricane bent on destruction. Her face is as black as her outfit.

“Jimin, since you’re new, just copy what I do. Look at your computer and don’t speak unless spoken to,” Jeongguk’s eyes are wide with fear, but he is frantically typing away on his keyboard, turning to glance at the timid man beside him. “Got it? Don’t show any fear, she can scent it like a shark with blood in the water. No matter what you do, don’t make eye contact with her if she isn’t talking to you.”

When Jimin doesn’t respond, Jeongguk glances hurriedly to the younger man. “Did you hear me?!”

“Y-yes.” It’s the first word you’ve heard this man utter, and it is somewhat strangled and you barely catch it over the rising panic that unfolds around you.

“Who d’you think she’s here for?” Jeongguk whispers to you.

“No idea,” you choke out with a closed throat, even though you have a very good idea who she’s here for.

As Bae Joohyun nears your cluster of desks, she slows down. Her eagle eyes scan the floor where all the employees are huddled at their seats, typing away with hunched shoulders. You can feel her gaze land on you, and you close your eyes briefly to say a prayer for mercy.

“______.”

Your name is uttered into the silence, and Jeongguk’s eyes shift just a fraction to glance at you. They are wide with fear. Beside him, Park Jimin’s eyes dart to yours from behind his thick black glasses. But none of them move.

“Y-yes?” You turn in your chair to face Bae Joohyun.

“You applied for emergency half day leave this pm, am I correct?” The witch herself holds up your leave application form. “Seeing as it’s this last minute, it must be urgent. What’s wrong with you this time?”

It’s dead silent. Everyone is pretending to work at their desks, but you know all too well that what they’re really doing is eavesdropping on this conversation. Well, eavesdropping is too generous a term, considering that this conversation is made fully public.

“I… I’m…” You stutter and stumble over your words, struggling to think of a plausible excuse. Some part of you had hoped for a miracle, prayed to the gods eight times last night that Bae Joohyun would be in a merciful mood this morning and grant you the leave without asking.

You glance at Jeongguk, and by now he’s worked everything out silently in his head. His expression says everything. But he doesn’t dare to even look you in the eye.

Instead of him, you realise that another pair of eyes are watching you instead. Park Jimin’s head is tilted to the side, his eyes are observing your mini panic attack without darting away for once.

“Well? What’s wrong with you, I asked,” Bae Joohyun demands.

You can practically hear the clock ticking off the seconds till her patience runs out. Between that and Park Jimin’s persistent stare, your mind just goes blank, and you utter the first words that come to mind.

“I… I’m having morning sickness!”

“What?” Bae Joohyun’s tone is, for the first time, one of shock. “What did you just say?”

Despite Bae Joohyun’s presence, Taehyung from Baby Bonus has turned around in his seat. “Morning sickness? You don’t mean to say you’re…”

Your eyes dart around wildly all over the place in response to what you think Taehyung is implying. God dammit, if not for his fucking comment, you could have diverted it down a less conspicuous path.

“Pregnant?” Namjoon from HR pipes up. “______, are you pregnant? When were you planning on notifying HR?”

Oh god. Things are moving too fast. Slowly, people are turning around in their chairs and inviting themselves into what should be a private conversation between you and Bae Joohyun. Curious looks are directed your way, and you are tongue tied.

“______, I didn’t know you were married! You’ve been keeping it from us this whole time?” Someone from Pre-Schools, you think his name is Seokjin, exclaims in a chiding tone.

“No!” Your voice bursts out from somewhere. It sounds far away to your ears. “No, I’m not married!! I just had a… a… a one night stand.”

Fuck. You’re digging yourself into a deeper hole.

“A one-night stand?” Bae Joohyun narrows her eyes. Somehow you can see that she doesn’t really buy it. She is scanning your face intently, and if there’s even a shred of uncertainty, she will catch it.

“With him!” Pointing at the one person who’s been silent all this time, you can feel the gazes shift from you. You know what they say about a liar. They always have this compulsive need to supplement their lies with arbitrary details.

But it works, and everyone’s attention is now on Park Jimin. You can see his eyes dart around briefly for a moment before they return to yours. But they don’t seem any more panicked or surprised than they usually do. He is as cool and collected as he always is, and he doesn’t say a word, as usual.

“Damn, you and Park Jimin?” It’s Jeongguk who speaks up this time. “Who would have thought? I mean, the guy just started yesterday, that must have been hell of a welcome party you gave him.”

Several giggles and snickers break out in response to his lewd joke.

“Shut up Jeon, that’s not how pregnancy works,” Namjoon rolls his eyes. “They must have met each other months ago. Is this going to be another HR concern though? Inter-departmental relationships?”

Bae Joohyun glances down her nose at you derisively. “I have no wish to know what you do in your free time. But I must ask, Ms _____, that you inform HR immediately of any condition you have that might affect your ability to work.”

The intimidation wrought by Bae Joohyun is replaced by anger at her words. No wish to know about your personal matters, when she was the one who decided it was appropriate to ask why you need to take leave in front of the whole department? What if this was a real situation and you were facing an unplanned pregnancy? Instead of being offered sympathy and support, you’re faced with judgement. This woman is entirely heartless and should not be the head of a pro-family planning division. Not to mention that discussing your leave application publicly is utterly inappropriate. It’s this thought that gives you the courage to speak.

“So can I be approved?” You look her directly in the eye, throwing your shame out the window. What’s done is done. Since the whole department thinks you got knocked up from a one-night stand with a colleague, you might as well use it to your advantage. “For my half day leave. Can it be approved?”

A few beats of silence follow as Bae Joohyun looks cornered for the first time. There is an unspoken pressure even as people turn back to their desks to continue working. If she turns you down in front of everyone like this, she could quite possibly get reported for discrimination against pregnant women. Though it is unspoken, your shoulders relax as you realise you have the upper hand in this situation.

Bae Joohyun takes a deep breath.

“Fine. Approved.”

Wednesday morning, Jeongguk is an eager puppy trailing after you, begging for pictures and a blow by blow account of the concert.

“Just watch my Instagram story or something, I literally have no voice to talk to you right now,” you roll your eyes. Truth be told, your voice isn’t that bad off, but you just want to bask in that post concert afterglow for a moment.

“What was he like in person? Did you pass him my fan letter?” Jeongguk is relentless this morning, and his never ending chatter makes Park Jimin peek out curiously from behind his computer.

When your eyes meet, you freeze on the spot like a deer in the headlights. On Tuesday you left right after Bae Joohyun approved you, seeing as it was almost lunch time anyway. You decided that after winning a war, one rightly deserves to enjoy a stress free, worryless night out before returning to the battlegrounds once more.

But now that you’re here, it is a whole different story. Park Jimin glances at you wordlessly before resuming typing, and the awkwardness is killing you. You feel bad enough that you implicated him in this whole mess, probably ruined his reputation around here and maybe even giving HR a reason to keep a closer eye on him. But regardless, you probably should talk to the man and attempt to explain things, and at the very least, apologise.

“…ask him when his next mixtape is dropping?” Jeongguk is still at it.

“Hey, um, Jimin? If you have a moment this morning, can I speak to you in private?” You lean to the side to attempt to catch a glimpse of Park Jimin.

There is a slight pause before Jimin’s head appears, and he meets your eye for a moment before looking away again. He nods once before turning his head in the direction of an empty meeting room.

“Woah, should you be doing that in your condition, though?” Jeongguk comments with a lewd smirk even as his eyes lower to your mid-section, and you give him a scathing glare in response as you close your laptop.

“Shut up, Jeon. Just for the record, I ripped up and threw your letter in the trash,” you hiss at him, eliciting a horrified gasp as you follow Jimin to the meeting room.

“So, um…” You start off awkwardly once the door is closed.

Park Jimin is twiddling his thumbs, head bowed shyly and he refuses to make eye contact with you. Now that you think of it, his nerd glasses actually suit him quite well, but it’s just a shame that he’s too painfully shy to actually look anyone in the eye. He is quite a good looking guy, but maybe he has issues with his self-esteem is all.

“I wanted to apologise, first of all. And also explain myself,” you take a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have dragged you into my mess. It’s just that- I… I just haven’t had a fucking break from Bae Joohyun ever since I started working in this fucking place.”

All the resentment just pours right out, and you’d be ashamed of yourself for using vulgarities at the workplace were it not for Park Jimin finally glancing up at you with a tiny smile on his face.

“I heard the rumours about her. So they’re true.” Jimin’s voice is still a little hesitant, wondering how much he should be gossiping about Bae Joohyun with another co-worker who could so easily rat him out and get him in trouble. But then, seeing as you’ve already managed to implicate him within a day of knowing him, how much dirtier can you do him, really? The thought brings a wry smile to his face once more. But then again, it seems like everyone here is more or less united by their intense dislike for Bae Joohyun. You of all people probably dislike her the most.

“True? What kind of rumours did you hear? And from where?” Intrigued by the man whom you’ve exchanged less than two words with before claiming to have had a one-night stand and a resulting pregnancy with, you lean forward in your seat.

Jimin shrugs. “Glassdoor.”

His response catches you off guard, and you are laughing with your hands over your mouth. “Oh my god. Please tell me you read the one where someone spit in her coffee. That was me.”

Jimin raises an eyebrow. “Really? I thought that was by a 54 year old IT engineer.”

“I can’t be putting my real age and designation on there, can I?” You point out.

“Were you the one who bagged dog shit and hid it in her office?” Jimin has that tiny smile again, and you have to admit it’s sort of cute when he comes out of his shell. He is even more handsome when he smiles, brighter and somewhat infectious.

“19 year old marketing intern? Yep, that was me,” you sigh in contentment as you remember rage writing all those Glassdoor reviews after a particularly bad meeting that one week. You didn’t actually do all of those things, but just imagining it and writing public reviews was enough for you to get your imagined revenge.

“ ‘Hid some dog shit in her office so she can be reminded of how shitty her management style is’,” Jimin recites from memory. “You know, I almost withdrew my application because of that review.”

Jimin’s dead serious tone makes you laugh again. The sound of your laughter fills the empty meeting room, and you have to admit that this is the most relaxed and carefree you’ve felt while working here.

But belatedly you realise that you’ve gone very off topic, so you sober up and attempt to try to get things back on track again. “So anyway, about the um… one-night stand thing. We can just lie low for a while and make up some shit later. Tell them the baby didn’t make it or something.”

Jimin nods thoughtfully, tapping his chin. “Or we can say it was a false positive. Less for you to go through since people would be all over you with pity and sympathy if we said that. I don’t think you’d wanna be pretend to be distraught over an imaginary baby.”

“That’s right, you’re a genius!” You marvel the way he just comes up with these ideas so easily. “How did you know about false positives?”

Jimin only shrugs, pushes his glasses up on his nose a little and he seems to be blushing. “I studied biology as an elective back in university.”

There’s a pause of silence before you look him in the eye again. “I really am sorry, you know. For making you go through all this. I kind of just panicked and didn’t think before speaking.”

But Jimin doesn’t seem to be making as big of a deal of it as you are. “Y’know, it’s fine. It ispretty exciting to be accused of having a one-night stand on my very first day. Aside from that, things can only go up, right?’

It takes you a moment or two to realise that he’s making a joke, delivered in that deadpan way of his that betrays his sweet, innocent face. At your harried expression, Jimin breaks the act and giggles, and you nearly slump over with relief.

“So, I guess we have to act like we’re in a relationship too?” Jimin adds as an afterthought.

“It’s up to you, we don’t really have to make it that obvious,” you shrug as you get up from your seat and push the chair back to its original position. “I’m fine with being an unwed mother for a bit. I wouldn’t wanna trouble you any more than I already have. You don’t have to do anything else for me.”

Jimin is silent as he follows your lead toward the door. When the both of you are almost halfway back to your seats, he stops you with a brief clearing of his throat. “It wouldn’t bother me at all.”

You look back at him for a moment, and he just gives you another one of those shy little smiles as he goes back to his desk. For the rest of the afternoon, you find that you don’t really mind having an open office policy, not if it allows you glimpses of cute Park Jimin in his nerd glasses sitting opposite you.

The ruse goes on without a hitch for at least a few weeks. Here and there you get the odd look of curiosity and perhaps a little judgement from a few of the older ladies who tsk behind your back about you being a single unwed mother, but otherwise, things are better than ever. Just knowing that you have the freedom to take medical leave whenever you feel like it has improved your mood greatly, and the other day Namjoon from HR even came to tell you that you can come into work later if the morning sickness is really bothering you.

Most of all, people are also curious about the relationship between you and Park Jimin. Word has spread that he is the father of your pseudo baby by now, but thankfully no one is tactless enough to outright ask if you and Park Jimin are a couple now. Not even Namjoon from HR.

Monday morning comes, and you drag yourself into work, feeling slightly more worse for wear than usual. Every Monday, you have a progress meeting with your immediate superior that always leaves you in a bad mood after. It’s the same old tirade; getting piled with things that others have no time for, having previously submitted proposals rejected and being asked to redo them.

Today after the meeting, Jimin comes up to you just as you’re downing your fourth cup of coffee before 10am. He has a slightly anxious look on his face, one that’s out of place on his usual calm and composed self.

“Do you have a minute? We need to talk. Now.” Jimin turns immediately and starts walking towards the nearest meeting room, and in spite of yourself, your eyes are drawn to his ass in those pants. It almost makes up for the earful you got from your manager this morning. Almost.

“We’re in trouble,” Jimin says once you close the door to the meeting room. He is seated with his laptop open in front of him.

“What happened? Is it Taehyung from Baby Bonus again? I swear, if he accidentally deleted the whole archive, I’m going to shove a chair up his ass-“

“No, no it’s not about work,” Jimin swallows hard as he types something and turns his laptop to face you. “Over the weekend, someone wrote on my wall. They said- they wrote- just… just see for yourself.”

“Oh my god.” You hand flies to your mouth as horror slams into your gut. “I’ll kill him. I’ll kill that stupid punk with my own two hands. Delete it now!!!”

“That’s not the point,” Jimin’s voice sounds strangled as he directs your attention to the comments. “That’s my Granny. She saw it.”

The full extent of the damage done doesn’t hit you until you read Park JungMin’s comment.

“What was your granny doing up at freaking 5am???” You hiss in anger, poking Jimin’s shoulder.

“I don’t know- she’s an old person! She probably couldn’t sleep!” Jimin snaps back.

“Why didn’t you delete it immediately after you saw it!?” You accuse Jimin, pointing a finger at him. “None of this would have happened if you just deleted the post!!!”

“I only saw it this morning, for your information,” Jimin turns his head away from you and crosses his arms. “Forgive me for having a normal sleep schedule.”

“Fucking Jeon Jeongguk, I’ll kill him, I really will,” you mutter as you start to pace back and forth, already contemplating the numerous ways in which you can torture him.

“What are we going to do?” Jimin’s hands hover nervously over his laptop. “Granny will be so disappointed if she finds out it’s a lie. Maybe we should just come clean.”

You whirl around in indignance. “We can’t do that!!! It’s far too soon, if the truth comes out now, everyone will know I was just faking it. We need to wait at least three months. I researched, that’s the most likely time for a woman to have a miscarriage. Why did you have to add your grandmother on Facebook??”

“Hey-! She just wants updates on my life because she lives all the way in Busan!!” Jimin looks affronted when you mention his granny like that. “And if we’re playing the blame game here, if it weren’t for your concert, none of this would have happened in the first place.”

“That was agust d,” you say simply, as if it explains everything. “And that’s not the point. You have to tell your granny that it’s all a lie and tell her to keep it to herself.”

“But what am I supposed to say?” Jimin whines, his bottom lip jutting out and you swear you almost see him stamp his foot like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum.

“I don’t know, anything! Make something up!” You throw your hands up in exasperation.

“She has a weak heart, she can’t take it,” Jimin insists as he stands up and crosses his arms. “She’ll keel over in shock if I tell her there’s no baby. And she told me she’s already booked on the first flight to Seoul. You have to take responsibility.”

The absurdity of this situation means that you can’t decide if you should laugh or cry. “Well what do you want me to do? I can’t just magic a baby into my stomach like that!”

Jimin stays silent, and the implication dawns on you.

“No way. You’re insane. You can’t possibly mean that we should-“

“She wants you to come over for dinner tomorrow night.” Jimin says finally, his eyes now pleading. “She just wants to meet you. We don’t have to tell her that there’s no baby yet. Please?”

Oh. Well, for a second there, you thought Park Jimin was about to suggest something else entirely.

“It’s just one dinner,” Park Jimin pleads eagerly.

Your head is pounding, and the stress of the entire morning has caught up with you. Everything is too overwhelming, things are moving too fast and you’re too tired to argue with him any longer.

“Fine. Just one dinner. After that, we’re coming clean with Granny.” You fix him with a meaningful stare as his face lights up in glee.

“I promise!” Park Jimin grins as he claps his hands together. “Oh and ______... you might want to go easy on the coffee there. Pregnant women can’t have too much caffeine.”

This is ridiculous.

Just thinking that you could be curled up at home with a nice glass of wine in bed, instead of standing nervously outside some stranger’s house makes you more huffy and annoyed than usual.

Jimin beside you shoots you a look, and you roll your eyes.

“Did you hear me? Or do I have to repeat the entire story of how we met and ended up secretly dating for five months again?” Jimin nudges you in the ribs with his elbow.

“When I said make something up, I didn’t think you were going to become a scriptwriter for Marvel,” you roll your eyes back at him. “I’m just gonna let you do the talking. Ok? If they direct any tricky questions my way, I’ll just pretend I need to puke.”

Jimin sighs a long suffering sigh as he reaches for his keys. He always envisioned the first time he brought a girl home to meet his family as a wholesome affair. He imagined himself to be feeling over the moon, a little nervous but that was to be expected, and most of all, irrevocably in love with the woman standing at his side. Taking a glance at you now, Jimin can’t say this situation is ideal.

But hey, when life gives you lemons, right?

He opens the door and leads the way in, only to be accosted by a hug from his Granny having made it only about five steps in. Her comforting embrace and familiarity makes him relax again, and he hugs her back tightly.

“Granny! I missed you! How was the flight? Does your back hurt? You should have rested more! You should have let me pick you up at the airport,” Jimin says in a chiding tone as he places an arm around her, trying to steer her towards the living room area to take a seat.

But the stubborn old woman refuses with a smile that lights up her entire face when she catches a glimpse of you. “Ah, this must be ______! She looks so pretty! Too good for our little Jimin, I must say. Come in, come in!!! Take a seat and take a load off!!! You must be tired after working the entire day, and with the baby too.”

You can barely keep yourself from wincing when she mentions the baby, but otherwise, Jimin’s Granny is a very pleasant person. She exudes an aura of warmth and you feel at home with her immediately. Her compliments make you soft; and she seems to be incredibly genuine about them too. For the next five minutes, all she does is admire you; how smooth your hands are, how good your complexion is, how smart, kind and gentle you look, and also my oh my our little Park Jimin has managed to snag such a professional for a girlfriend.

“Granny, you’re embarrassing her,” Jimin mutters with a rosy blush spread across his cheeks as he stands beside the old woman. “And me as well.”

“Nonsense,” Granny chides Jimin as she turns to you with a smile that wrinkles at the corners of her mouth. “This is the first time our little Jimin has brought a girl home, you see. We were all worried that he was… you know, batting for the other team, which would be perfectly fine, but…”

“Granny!!!” Jimin actually does stomp his foot and cross his arms. The tips of his ears are red, the blush on his cheeks is prominent. “Granny, I’m hungry. Can we eat?”

It seems like Jimin knows exactly what works on Granny, because she turns around immediately and pats Jimin’s cheek. “Alright, alright puppy. We can eat now. Come, _____, you must be hungry too now that you’re eating for two. I asked Jimin about your favourites, I hope you like them.”

You glance questioningly at Jimin for a moment over Granny’s head as the two of you follow her to the dining table and have a seat opposite each other. While Granny’s warmth is nothing but welcoming, you can’t help but feel a little overwhelmed. This, at least, is not what you were expecting. Granny seems perfectly fine with the notion of you being pregnant with Jimin’s child without getting married first. Perhaps society is shedding its traditionalist viewpoints and you just hadn’t realised it.

“You know dear, when Jimin told me the news, I was so overjoyed,” Granny says with a wistful smile on her face. “It’s one of my wishes to see Jimin happy with a girl he loves. And looking at the two of you now, even if I die tomorrow, I’ll be content.”

“Granny!” Jimin admonishes sharply. “You can’t say that! Your health has been getting better, hasn’t it? Are you taking your medicines? Three times a day, like the doctor said!”

Granny pats her grandson’s hand. “I am, puppy, I am. What does an old woman like me have to live for if her only grandson doesn’t even visit her anymore? At least now I’ll have the baby to look forward to. You’ll let me take care of it for you, won’t you?”

This last part she directs to you, and you glance nervously at Jimin. This is most definitely not what you signed up for when you agreed to this dinner. With every passing second, the guilt just piles higher and higher, till you feel like you might have trouble swallowing your food.

“Mrs… Mrs Park,” you say hesitantly, speaking for the first time since you set foot in this house. Pseudo baby or not, it just wouldn’t do to hurt this kind old woman, especially since she seems so excited and happy to meet you.

“Call me Granny, please,” she says as she pushes an extra bowl of rice towards you. “You should have this too.”

“Oh no,” you say automatically. “I’m watching my weight, so I shouldn’t…”

But it was the wrong thing to say. Granny immediately perks up, sitting straight in her seat, her eagle eyes on you. “Watching your weight, dear? Why would you be doing that now? You should be eating well for the baby! Is it this little punk who’s making comments about your weight?”

Granny seizes hold of Jimin’s ear and pulls, and he whimpers in the midst of spooning a giant bite of rice into his mouth.

“NO!” You blurt out in a panic, seeing your coworker’s face screw up in pain. You have to admit that you’ve been in a number of interesting situations with Park Jimin thus far, but something tells you that this isn’t the worst of it just yet. “No, Granny! I- I take it back. I’ll eat.”

Granny lets out a hmph as she releases Jimin’s ear with a warning glance towards her grandson. As Jimin reaches for a juicy looking sparerib, Granny’s chopsticks dart out and intercept him, causing the piece of meat to fall back onto the plate. She then expertly picks it up with her own chopsticks and drops it on top of your rice with a satisfied smile.

Jimin turns to Granny with a pout on his lips, and when your heart skips a tiny, little beat, you know you’re in trouble.

Somehow, bad news always comes on Monday mornings.

Today it comes in the form of Park Jimin, again, as he drags you into a meeting room the moment you finish your meeting with your manager.

“What is it now?” You hiss at him as he locks the door suspiciously. “Do you really need to do that? You know people think we’re like, fucking in here, don’t you? Thanks to your buddy Jeon Jeongguk.”

“Wait, what?” Jimin does a double take. “No, that doesn’t matter. My parents. They want me to marry you.”

“WHAT?” You screech so loudly that Jimin winces and covers his ears. “Tell them no, for fuck’s sake!”

“They already apparently bought an entire plot of land in the baby’s name,” Jimin goes on adding to the bad news as if he were adding fuel to the fire. “It’s in Baby Park’s name.”

“Oh my god.” Your head swirls and you wobble on your feet, and Jimin reaches out to steady you as if you were actually pregnant. You push his hand away with an irritated glare to remind him that all this is just a ruse. One that you’re beginning to seriously regret having cooked up all those weeks ago.

“What are we going to do?” Jimin sighs as he runs a hand through his hair, taking off his glasses for a moment to rub at his temples.

“We?” You exclaim. “What do you mean, we? Why are you talking as if we’re already married? You need to resolve this situation on your own, buddy. It’s not my fault your family likes to jump the gun!”

“What about you then?” Jimin snaps back with a raised eyebrow. “Look, it’s been two months, almost three, and I don’t see you making any plans to hide a watermelon under your clothes or tell people that it’s all just a scheme you cooked up.”

You gasp indignantly. “I was- I was working up to that! You know, coming up with my cover story, setting the stage, all that!”

Park Jimin crosses his arms in disbelief. “Oh really? So you’re planning on coming clean with everyone and telling them you’re not actually pregnant? Is that why you’ve been taking medical leave every week, running to the bathroom to ‘throw up’ every morning that you’re noton leave?”

“Have you been watching me?”

“A little hard not to, considering you sit right opposite me!”

The two of you are panting and staring hard at each other, both wrapped up in your own anger.

“Look, I’ll forget everything else. Just tell your parents to sell the land or something. The price of land has gone up recently, I’m sure they can still make a valuable profit if they sell now…”

Jimin’s eyebrow twitches. “Sell the land? When they think it’s for their precious grandchild?”

“There. Is. No. Grandchild,” you spit back at him. “Oh my god. We’re just going in circles here. I need to get back to work. My manager already gave me hell this morning, and I don’t need this from you too.”

You leave him in the meeting room and make your way swiftly back your desk, waking your laptop and checking your emails. A few minutes pass before you can fully calm yourself down and reorientate to what needs to be done. First, you redo that spreadsheet, feeling slightly better once you drown out the entire world and just focus on the numbers and cells in front of you. In fact, you forget about this whole terrible mess for a moment or two.

“Hey, _______?” There is a tap on your shoulder, and you turn around to see your manager hovering behind you. She bends down to squint at your screen, “You’re not still redoing the spreadsheet, are you? Our meeting ended an hour ago, you should be done with that by now!”

“I-I’m sorry, something came up, and I…” your voice is weak compared to hers, and vaguely you can see Park Jimin lean over slightly in his seat. “I’m done with it now. I’ll send it over.”

“Good. And get started on the operations manual. I need it all by 5pm today.” Your manager gives you a pat on the back, starts to walk off, and then hesitates. “I know you’re in a rather… delicate situation, but that shouldn’t affect your ability to work. It’s a busy period of time, _____, and I expect nothing but the best from my team. Got it?”

You swallow hard as you try and return her smile. “Got, it, Manager.”

Turning back to your screen, tears are blurring your vision as you attach the document to an email and send it off. You can feel the curious stares of your coworkers all on you, and you feel more self-conscious than ever. Never mind that pretending to be pregnant is all a ruse. It was supposed to make your life better, give you some breathing space, but you feel more suffocated than ever.

You need some air. Now.

Standing up, you grab your phone and dip your head, striding for the exit quickly so that no one catches the expression on your face. Hopefully, they’ll think you need to puke or something, and not pathetically hide in a corner and cry your eyes out. Thankfully, this morning you had the foresight not to apply any eye makeup, so you can rub your eyes as much as you want.

This corner is actually pretty nice. It’s secluded that no one would accidentally wander in and find a hysterically sobbing woman, yet it’s not too far that you can’t make it back to your desk within five minutes if your manager calls. You wipe your face with the back of your sleeve, taking a deep breath and getting ready to go back and face everything once more, when you notice a pair of loafers standing a few steps away.

“Are you okay?” Park Jimin’s voice is familiar. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to… intrude, but you just looked so upset and… she was totally unreasonable. Using that as an excuse to comment on your work ethic. Just unacceptable.”

He is shaking his head with a serious expression on his face, and it makes you laugh suddenly. Jimin looks up in surprise, eyes wide, but then a small smile spreads across his face as well as he tucks his hands into his pockets. It occurs to you that if Park Jimin weren’t here, no one else would have come to check up on you.

“I’m used to it,” you shrug as you check your reflection in your phone screen. “It’s just… I just need to cry once and I’m fine. You weren’t supposed to see this side of me,” you attempt a weak laugh. “You’re only supposed to know the bad bitch side of me.”

“You can still be a bad bitch even if you cry every now and then,” Jimin shrugs as if it’s obvious. “If you’re done crying, can we go for lunch? I’m starving.”

You make Jimin buy you some meat and you wolf it down in front of him as if you really were eating for two. To his benefit, Jimin says nothing and only takes out his wallet when it’s time to pay.

On the way back to the office, feeling decently satisfied and absolutely sure that you have a tiny little food baby (with today’s dress being particularly unforgiving around the midsection), you can’t help but feel a little bit better. Maybe Park Jimin isn’t so bad after all.

“______? Oh my god, ______? Is that you?” A far off voice calls, and you turn back.

And you wish you hadn’t.

Min Yoongi comes striding towards you with a huge grin on his face, waving as if he can’t believe it’s really you.

“Shit shit shit,” you swear under your breath. How much unluckier can this day get?

Jimin looks at you quizzically.

“It’s my bastard ex who cheated on me by getting another girl pregnant,” you whisper to him by way of explanation. “They got married last month but I never responded to their invitation.”

“Oh,” Jimin says, immediately grasping the situation. “I got it. Don’t worry.”

“What?” You look at him in panic, seeing the expression on his face and not liking it one bit. “What are you gonna-“

But it’s too late now for any further conversation, since Min Yoongi is now in earshot. He grins again as he looks you up and down. “_____! What a surprise! Do you work around here?”

“Y-yeah, what a surprise too,” you say weakly.

“I haven’t seen you in ages!” Yoongi’s eyes dart to Jimin standing beside you for a moment, before they fall to your midsection. “But might as well. I wanted to congratulate you on the baby, because what a coincidence, right?”

He hands you a beautifully embossed invitation card with the words ‘Baby Shower’ on it, and you can feel your face draining of all colour. You swear under your breath.

“Oh! And this must be… the father-to-be?” Yoongi somehow doesn’t pick up on the escalating horror on your face, because he turns to Jimin and extends a hand of congratulations. “Congrats, man! How’s it feel? Excited to become a dad?”

Jimin sneaks a quick peek at your horrified expression. “Y-yes! Absolutely…. Um, thrilled, we are.”

At Jimin’s confirmation, Yoongi’s face seems to fall a little, and seeing it makes your heart clench in vindication. Serves that cheating little bastard right.

“I didn’t know you were seeing anyone, ______... let alone serious enough to… have a baby and all that,” Yoongi’s voice mellows a little as he directs his gaze back to you. “I thought you didn’t want to have children… for a while, at least.”

You detect a little bit of regret in Yoongi’s voice, and maybe a little bit of something you can’t quite put your finger on right now. In your five-year long relationship with him, Yoongi always made it clear that he wanted to have children as soon as possible. It was one of the major roadblocks in your relationship, and eventually it became the tipping point that drove him into the arms of another woman who was desperate enough to pop out his babies for him.

Wait a minute. It almost sounds as if Min Yoongi is trying to blame you for making him cheat. All of a sudden, you want to show him how you’ve been living all these months. Completely fine and happy without him. Better off, even. You want to make this cheating bastard realise that you’re not pathetic. You open your mouth in indignation, but before you can say anything, you hear Jimin’s voice.

“It all happened so fast, really,” Jimin shrugs as if it’s no big deal. “When I saw her I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, and you know how life is… We aren’t getting any younger either, so we thought why not try for a baby while we’re at it? She’s perfect for me, and we’re very happy together.”

Jimin does it better than you ever would have been able to. His words are so smooth that even you are convinced that the two of you are in a stable relationship together. Glancing at him, Jimin looks so self-assured and confident that he puts Min Yoongi to shame.

Min Yoongi looks shell shocked. “R-right. Th-that’s really nice, I’m ha-happy for you guys. Congratulations again.”

You have no idea how Jimin is making all of this up, but the look on Min Yoongi’s face is enough. It almost makes up for when you found out about the breakup through the pre-wedding invitations he sent you.

“But we- we haven’t really told anyone yet, so how did you find out?” A frown creases your brow as you mentally run through a list of people who know about this pseudo pregnancy. The whole company, for one. Jimin’s Granny. Jimin’s family. And now Min Yoongi. But the question is, who told Min Yoongi? It’s not like he has any links with Jimin’s family.

“I mean… I saw the bump,” Yoongi scratches the back of his neck as his eyes drop briefly to your waist. “And um… I know you blocked me on social media a while ago. But I just wanted to check in on you and see how you’re doing. And I saw someone post on Jimin’s wall about the baby. So I kind of put two and two together.”

There’s an awkward silence as your hands immediately fold over your waist, your cheeks heating up self-consciously. You can feel Jimin struggle not to burst into laughter beside you, and you surreptitiously elbow him hard in the ribs.

“Anyway, um… I hope you’ll come to the shower,” Yoongi nods at the invitation again. “It’s on Sunday, and feel free to bring Jimin too. I uh… invited your mom too. I mean, it’s just… Your family wanted to know how Yeji and I were getting along with the baby and… we were so close so I figured…”

At this point the humiliation can’t get any worse. So you decide to just cut him off with a formal smile that you hope doesn’t look too forced.

“We’ll be there, Yoongi. See you.”

It’s fine. It’s all fine. Even if Min Yoongi knows, it’s all fine. You can just attend this baby shower, just show your face for about an hour or so and then disappear from his life altogether. And then he won’t even know that you didn’t have a baby.

The very definition of co-workers means that you only see each other on weekdays from 9am to 6pm. But if that’s true, then somehow along the way, you and Jimin had progressed far beyond the point of just being co-workers, to the point that you’re somehow spending half of your weekend with him.

You sigh to yourself as you watch all your friends’ kids run about screaming at the top of your lungs. You’re already beginning to get a headache from all these irritating little gremlins making so much noise. At least you’re not being asked to play with or look after any of the children. Seeing that you and Yoongi had dated for a substantial amount of time, most of the attendees at this baby shower are your mutual friends, and it’s awkward to say the least.

At least you have Park Jimin with you to be your pretend boyfriend slash husband so you won’t seem like the pathetic ex-girlfriend attending her cheater ex-boyfriend’s baby shower for his new wife. So far there haven’t been any difficult questions, just curious looks from your friends whom you haven’t seen in a really long time because you’re just so tied up with work.

“Hey babe, come here! This is really fun,” Jimin shouts to you from one of the game stations, and you have no choice but to stop sulking in the corner like an evil brooding witch.

(One of your friend’s kids had pointed an accusing finger at you the moment you arrived at the shower with a not so thrilled expression on your face.

“Mama, why is the evil witch wearing yellow, mama? Is she here to curse Sleeping Beauty?”)

“This is really fun,” Jimin says again as he pulls the blindfold off with a grin on his face. “Pin the diaper on the baby poo.”

He points to a target board with a questionable looking substance smeared all over the centre of it. The person next in line is blindfolded and trying to pin the diaper in the centre of the board, and there are disappointed yells when he misses.

To his credit, Jimin really does look as if he’s having fun. He’s been the only person to score a point at this game, and he’s acing all the other games: guess the baby food, pin the sperm on the egg, etc etc.

“I’m notpinning the diaper on the baby poo,” you frown at him. Who the hell comes up with these games? “Is there any wine here? God, I need a drink.”

Before you can wander away, Jimin grasps your elbow. “You can’t drink,” he says with a serious, chiding look on his face. “You’re pregnant.”

“No one here knows that, do they?” You roll your eyes at him and sidestep a screaming toddler who is barrelling down the walkway. For someone who was present at the time of conception of this scheme, Park Jimin really is taking this way too seriously.

Jimin sighs and follows you to the beverages table in defeat. If he can’t stop you from drinking, the least he can do is hold up his jacket around you to make sure you don’t get caught. But then, a very rounded, glowing looking pregnant woman suddenly accosts you, and by the look on your face, Jimin surmises that this can only be Yeji, the woman Yoongi cheated on you with.

“Ye-Yeji, you look… um… wonderful!” Your strangled voice gets lost as Yeji envelopes you in a huge hug, forcing you to squeeze up against her bump. “Congratulations!”

The mother-to-be is all smiles, her makeup is perfectly done and there is an ever present glow on her face. She looks like an absolute goddess in her flowy white dress and wavy hair, and its moments like this that remind you that Yoongi left you for someone better.

“I feel wonderful, thank you!” She places a hand on her protruding belly. “Oh, I was just chatting with your mother over here, you haven’t said hi to her have you? She’s been complaining to me that you don’t have time for her anymore!”

Fuck. Your mother. You’ve been avoiding her calls and messages for the past few months, and you give her a weak smile as she comes over with a dark look on her face. It’s not that you’re doing this on purpose, it’s just that the breakup with Yoongi was beyond messy. Everyone’s parents are naturally on their side after a breakup, but somehow your parents remained on Yoongi’s. Every call would be about Yeji’s pregnancy, how their baby room was progressing, how many kicks she felt in a day, all those needless details that only felt like repeated stabs to the heart when you were trying to heal and get on with your life.

“…I’m so glad you could come. When Yoongi told me the news, I was so excited I thought my water was going to break!” Yeji is gesturing excitedly as she gushes to your mother, and you freeze in panic.

She couldn’t have…

“_____, I can’t believe you’re pregnant too!”

Her exclamation has a few of your friends nearby turning around, and a few of them start to clap. Yoongi elbows his way through the crowd, his hair matted with sweat as he pants with exertion.

“Baby, you were supposed to wait for my cue!” He admonishes his wife with a slight frown, but then he kisses her lips when Yeji pouts.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t wait! It’s all just so exciting, I can’t believe _____ is going to have a baby too! I remember feeling so guilty in my first few months of pregnancy that I could barely sleep…”

“I know, I know, baby,” Yoongi shushes her with a kiss to her forehead. “Anyway, _____ and Jimin, we uh… we prepared something for you. We hope you like it, and uh… _____, I hope it can make up for all the shit I put you through in the past year.”

At this point, you don’t even dare to look at your mother. “Wh-what did you prepare?”

“It’s over there! In front of the photowall,” Yeji claps in excitement. “Go on! Everyone’s waiting!”

Everyone at the party clears a path for you and Jimin to make your way to the colourfully decorated photowall at the front of the party. On the floor in front of it sits a brown cardboard box.

With all eyes on you, you swallow hard and start to make your way to the photowall. Jimin follows behind you, whispering under his breath. “What the fuck is this?”

“Probably another lame party game or something… just play along,” you whisper back, your mind too preoccupied with thinking about how you’re going to explain your pseudo pregnancy to your mother. Knowing her disposition, it’s entirely possible that your father knows about it already, and maybe even your entire extended family, and… oh god-

The moment you step in front of the photowall, someone standing to the side of the box pulls something, and an explosion of balloons and streamers burst from the box. You are quite literally showered in confetti, and when you look up, there are four balloons spelling out the word ‘baby’, and another balloon with ‘congratulations’ on it.

“Congratulations on your baby!!!!” Someone shouts, and people are taking out their phones to take pictures of you and Jimin drenched in confetti. Someone claps, and soon, the entire party is clapping. There are hoots of congratulations, someone proposes a toast, your college friends are almost in tears, your sister is loudly announcing that this should go on Instagram, your mother is half crying and half glowering at you for not telling her sooner, and everyone is talking about you and your non-existent baby.

Beside you, Jimin is equally stunned, but unlike you, he isn’t at a loss for words. He pulls you in close, pretending to pose for the cameras with a jovial smile on his face.

He still has the gall to joke around as he says, “maybe we should have that baby after all.”

In the blink of an eye, things just got very, very out of hand.

Number of people who know about pregnancy

Whole company: (estimated 200 people)

Jimin’s Granny

Jimin’s family

Min Yoongi and wife

Attendees of Yoongi’s baby shower (estimated 50 people)

Your family

Total: 265 people

#bts #bangtan bookclub #bts jimin #bts fics

2K notes · View notes

hutchhitched · 4 years

Text

Social Commentary on The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes, Part II

I made it through Part 2 before I attempted to go to bed last night. I didn’t end up sleeping, so apologies for any half-baked (pun intended) ideas and commentary. Admittedly, I don’t have as much on this part, but it’s certainly not because I don’t love every speck of this book. It’s so good, and it’s brilliantly woven and presented to us. If you want to read my commentary on Part 1, it’s here.

Spoilers below:

It didn’t take long into Part 2 for the third book title to appear. Lucy Gray mentions mockingjays, and Snow seems lost. It’s convenient that she can’t explain what she means because I’m positive that’s going to come up again in the next part, and I’m sure it’s going to have a very important role. Otherwise, Snow wouldn’t be so put off by and intrigued by one (Katniss) in the original trilogy.

One thing that stuck out for me in Part 2 is the December 15 date, a sort of Memorial Day for fallen military heroes mentioned in chapter 12 (National Heroes Day). The date itself didn’t ring any bells for me, but I know by now that Collins doesn’t do anything without it having a meaning, so I googled…wait for it…the date of the Sandy Hook Massacre. December 14. The next day is December 15, when Panem honors the fallen and delivers a gift basket full of luxury items to the families who lost loved ones. A gift basket full of “thoughts and prayers” would do just about as much good as we memorialize the dead in the days following a mass shooting but then allow the war to keep raging. The same could be said for the way we say “Thank you for your service” to military vets but do a terrible job of helping them with PTSD and re-entry into society. I do love the turkey story, though. At least Snow got some food out of the deal.

I really love that we know now where the muttations come from in this world. Dr. Gaul is absolutely wacko, and I can’t quite figure out how much power she has. In fact, I can’t really figure out how much power anyone has. The President is remarkably absent. Dr. Gaul is there and seems to like Snow, but there’s no sense that she can protect him from Dean Highbottom, who seems to have the most direct influence over Snow. I just can’t figure out why. What kind of connections does Highbottom have that allow him to manipulate Snow’s life so completely? Clearly, there’s some bad blood between Snow’s father and Highbottom, and I’m waiting anxiously for that reveal. Also, that wasn’t a throwaway in Part 1 when we find out Highbottom was the one who came up with the idea of the Games in the first place. That’s got to factor in again. He’s hiding something, and Snow’s father is most likely a Very Bad Man.

Dr. Gaul’s name is fabulous, too, although I’m sure there’s a lot of symbolism I’m not really getting about it. Gaul was a Roman province during the Empire—basically where the country of France is today. Gaul sacked a Roman city or two and embarrassed Rome, and Rome retaliated by conquering Gaul for the next few hundred years. I’ve oversimplified it, but that’s the gist. Why does Dr. Gaul have that name? Not sure, but maybe that’s coming in Part 3. I love that she’s a woman, too. Suzanne Collins doesn’t have time for that BS about women being naturally more nurturing and good than men.

Which brings us to Lucy Gray. That snake charming thing she had going on was absolutely amazing. Lucky Gray is manipulative and charming and a performer and hiding something, and I am here for it. She’s smart, and she uses all the weapons at her disposal to survive while still retaining some humanity by caring for Jessup after his demise. I do not think she’s a hero. I’m not even sure she’s a flawed hero. I don’t trust her at all, but I admire her plucky spirit. She’s got levels I haven’t seen yet.

And Snow loves her, which is just…I’m waiting for the climax. I think Lucy Gray is playing him, and I’ve felt that way since she first met him. There’s a connection there, yes, but Snow’s proven many times in this book that the world doesn’t work the way he thinks it should. He’s been surprised too many times. He’s tried to hold on and control things, but events happen that he doesn’t want, and all he can do is respond to them as best he can. He’s not doing very well at that. At all.

The Games take second place for me in this book, which I think is pretty deliberate. This is Snow’s story, after all, and he’s not in the Hunger Games. Except he is because Dr. Gaul sends him into the arena (and Highbottom says they’re all in the Games, which is another throwaway that will come back, I’m sure). She wants to teach him a lesson and then gives him a homework assignment on it. It’s telling that he admits he wanted to kill the tributes. Not for self-defense but because they’re a perceived threat. He admits he wanted to kill them even after he’s back to safety, which shows his slide. And the homework assignment of having to write about Chaos, Contract, and Control, which he can’t do. And his attempt to extort money from the Plinths that he can’t execute and simply accepts their thanks and food. And his resolve to stop cheating and win the right way, his examination of the slippery slope and his justifications and so on. Because we’ve all been there. Justifying something and saying “no more!” and then messing up again. It could be any of us. It really could.

Random things before I stop:

The Capitol citizens are not the vapid, materialistic, soulless people we see in the original trilogy. Sure, there’s some of that there, but it’s nothing like it will be 64 years later.

The development of the Games is interesting. The drones and betting and sponsors and the first intervention with the snakes and lack of cameras are all things that develop over time. The Tenth Games are a completely different world than the ones Katniss and Peeta experience.

Snow really, really, really cannot convince people that Sejanus is not his friend. Ever felt like you’ve screamed something into the void a million times and no one takes it seriously? Yeah, I hear him on that one. Perception, not reality, is everything, in this case.

After the housing crisis of 2008, I can understand the fear Snow has of losing his home. The war destroyed his family’s fortune and will result in losing their home and status. That (and really bad deregulation of industry and a lot of mismanagement and corruption) did that for a lot of people when the housing market crashed.

Snow hopes for so much as the Games wind down. He wants Lucy Gray back (as his girlfriend? as a possession? as someone who finally “gets” him?), and what he gets is a peacekeeper position instead of the Plinth Prize and a relationship. I’m positive his interaction with Lucy Gray isn’t over. Perhaps he’s shipped off to District 12 where she breaks his heart all over again? The Covey’s coming, isn’t it?

There’s so much to cover in Part 3. Onward!

(PS, I don’t like Snow, by the way. I don’t think he’s evil in this book, but he’s no angel. He’s reacting poorly to circumstances and making bad choices, but he’s also trying to hold things together just like any person does. Nothing excuses his later behavior, but he’s becoming a villain, not born one.)

#tbosas #tbosas spoilers #balladspoilers #the ballad of songbirds and snakes #spoilers #book spoilers #long post #hunger games meta #meta

58 notes · View notes

lastwagontrainhopper · 4 years

Text

Soft sorrow

I hope it’s not too late to submit work for Royai Week! This one is for the 5th prompt (a picture of a couple sitting on a bench, watching the sunset).

Summary: Even the goodest of boys must one day be laid to rest... Riza is in need of some comfort after the loss of her furry friend.

Read it on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24713377 French version : link coming soon.

----

Being assigned to Mustang’s squad was, as Lieutenant Cooper quickly realized, in a lot of way like landing in a parallel universe.

The squad functioned in a way that was unlike anything Cooper had experienced since joining the military. Generals usually managed an entire military base or a fortress, and had only one or two direct subordinates that acted as second-in-chief or bodyguard; the rest of the troops were under their orders through a long chain of command.

General Mustang, on the other hand, was stationed right here in Central and had insisted on keeping direct control on a small team in addition to his other responsibilities. It was a close-knit squad that had gone through little change over the years: Mustang was always reluctant to trust soldiers he didn’t know, and was picky about the type of people he wanted in his team. For several years, Officer Warrant Falman’s position had stayed vacant, until the arrival of Cooper a few months ago.

Although unique, the Mustang squad universe was governed by an extremely specific set of rules that Cooper was quick to learn. Those rules determined the behavior of each member of the squad with clockwork precision. Mustang gave the orders and procrastinated; Breda teased Havoc and called dinner time; Havoc retaliated and smoked the office; Fuery tinkered and brought some much-needed optimism; and Hawkeye overviewed everything and kept the clock hand running.

That is why Cooper could not believe his eyes when, on an ordinary autumn morning, the Captain came to stand in front of Mustang’s desk and asked for a day off.

Hawkeye never took unplanned time off; that was another one of the rules he had learned, the only exceptions being when she was preparing a coup and when she was at death’s door. She seemed a little tired, yes, but she was certainly not dying, and Cooper did not want to consider the other option, so…why such a request?

The other members of the squad glanced at each other, all of them as surprised as he was, except for the General. After hearing her demand, he looked at Hawkeye with a compassionate look on his face and answered in a soft voice that Cooper had never heard him use.

“Of course. Don’t worry about us, Captain, we’ll manage. Take as much time as you need.”

Hawkeye nodded stiffly, turned on her heels and left the room without a word.

After a while, Breda broke that silence that had settled in the office.

“General…. what’s going on?”

Mustang let out a loud sigh and ran a hand over his face. Cooper now noticed that he also seemed pretty tired – although that wasn’t unusual for him.

“It’s Hayate”, replied the General after a moment. “He’s been sick for a while now…limping, hardly eating anything, that sort of stuff. Yesterday, it got worse all of a sudden: he could hardly move. I guess it hasn’t improved since then.”

The men nodded, understanding. The news didn’t seem to surprise them; after all, old dogs often got sick, and Hayate was apparently barely younger than the squad. This had made him the unofficial mascot of the team; yet Cooper felt that his colleagues’ concerns were more about the Captain. He was new to this place, but even he had noticed the strong attachment that Hawkeye, who always seemed so unemotional, had to her dog.

The rules of this small universe were simple, but Cooper was beginning to understand that they concealed another layer of them, more subtle and complex. Hawkeye seemed cold and reserved, but her dog wasn't the only one to receive her affection: she could be warm-hearted with the members of her team, and always had words of comfort for those who needed them. Breda gave the impression of being oafish, but he had a sharp and crafty mind; and beneath Mustang’s apparent laziness laid a burning passion and an iron will to reach his goal.

But perhaps the main unspoken rules were those concerning the relationship between the General and the Captain.

Cooper was not clear yet on the nature of that relationship. Mustang had a lot of affection for his adjutant, that was for sure; but the two had worked closely together for almost twenty years, and Cooper had picked up that they apparently knew each other before even joining the military. Their fierce loyalty and deep understanding of each other could very well only be the result of a childhood friendship.

On the other hand, there were the knowing glances the other men of the squad exchanged from time to time, and certain details that spoke volumes – such as the fact that Mustang had been the only one to know about Hayate’s condition. Despite this, Cooper had never tried to find out more, out of respect for his superior.

The rest of the day went by quieter than usual, even though the missing person was usually the one bringing the office back to order. Unsurprisingly, Mustang didn’t get much work done; but instead of sleeping or making phone calls as he often did in his adjutant’s absence, he seemed mostly lost in thought and glanced worriedly at the clock from time to time.

A few hours after dinner, he got up from his desk and asked for their attention.

“Alright! We’ve worked well this morning, and I think we could all do with some rest. Let’s call it a day; you’re good to go.”

Cooper wasn’t expecting this. Being dismissed almost half a day early? No one ever did this.

“Are you gonna check on the Captain, sir?” asked Breda.

Mustang nodded as he put on his coat.

“We should probably do that too”, Fuery chipped in. “Taking care of a sick dog is a lot of work; she’ll probably need a break or a good meal.”

The rest of the team agreed, except for Havoc who had to go home to look after the kids, and the men continued to chat as they got ready to leave. Hawkeye didn’t answer when Mustang called her apartment; they concluded that she was probably still at the vet.

“It’s hard to believe that Hayate is already an old dog,” Fuery commented as they walked down the stairs. “It feels like only yesterday he was still a puppy!”

Breda answered with a tired grunt.

“It sure makes us feel old…If I remember well, you and Falman were still living in the barrack at the time he arrived. You were the one who found him on the street, right?”

They stepped into the General’s car and spent the ride reminiscing, explaining to Cooper how the dog had come to join their squad. Only Mustang stayed out of the conversation. After a few minutes, Breda looked out of the car and frowned.

“We’re going to the veterinary hospital, aren’t we? Are you sure you’re going in the right direction, sir?”

“Yes, but I’m making a short detour,” he replied distractedly. “I want to check something first…”

A few streets later, they started to drive along the main park of Central, and Mustang slowed down the car.

“That’s her favorite spot to walk Hayate, so I thought…” he began, scanning the park from his car window.

“Oh!” exclaimed Fuery. “Is that her, on the bench?”

From the back of the vehicle, Cooper twisted his neck to get a better look, and finally caught glimpse of a blonde woman sitting near the middle of the park.

“Hayate doesn’t seem to be with her”, Breda noted. “That’s not a good sign…”

The men glanced at each other with a knowing look. They all knew there was only one reason why Riza would be neither with her dog nor back to work. Mustang parked the car in the closest spot he could find and turned back toward them, a grave expression on his face.

“I’ll go talk to her. If you guys want to go home,” he threw the key at Breda, “we’ll take a taxi.”

He took a deep breath, got out of the car and walked away.

The three men watched him entered the park in silence, and after a while, Cooper spoke up.

“We’d better get out of here, shouldn’t we? To give them some space…”

“I agree,” replied Fuery, “but…” He gave Breda a sideways look. “Isn’t it a bit risky for them?”

“Given the weather, there aren’t many people in the park, and the sun is setting soon anyway. On the flip side, he’s in uniform, and we’re not that far away…” He paused to think for a moment. “I think I’m going to hang out close to the entrance for a while,” he concluded, glancing at Fuery with intent.

Fuery understood immediately.

“Good idea. Cooper, want to hang out by the other entrance of the park?”

While he followed Fuery, Cooper found himself once again fascinated by the secret rules that governed Mustang squad’s small universe.

-------

As she saw Roy approaching, dressed in the military blue, Riza straightened her back and turned her head away, hastily wiping her eyes. She was dressed in her civilian clothes, and the light wind was pushing locks of loose hair into her face.

“General”, she greeted in a strangled voice as he stopped in front of the bench. “Was the workday productive?”

Roy stared at her worriedly, ignoring her question.

“Hayate”, he began in a soft voice, “is he…”

Riza looked down at the ground and simply nodded.

“They had to put him down. There wasn’t much they could do, he was just too old…” Her voice trailed off.

Roy sat down next to her. “I’m sorry, Riza.”

She felt her eyes starting to fill with tears and looked the other way, embarrassed. “Sorry, I know…” She took a deep breath and exhale slowly, trying to collect herself. “I know it’s silly, it’s only a dog, but…”

“Riza!” She snapped her head at him, surprised by his offended tone. Roy took her hand in his. “It’s not silly,” he said firmly. “He’s been by your side for, what, twelve years?”

“Fourteen”, she corrected without a thought, looking at the medals on his uniform.

“For fourteen years,” he continued. “He was important to you; it’s only natural that you would feel sad about losing him.” His expression softened. “You’re allowed to cry over a dog, Riza.”

She finally met his eyes; the understanding and compassion she read in them made her choke up, and she didn’t manage to answer.

He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her closed to him. Riza hesitated, but there was no one around she could see; after a moment, she leaned against him and rested her head on his shoulder. They stayed like this, without talking, both lost in their thoughts.

“He’s had a good life, you know,” Roy said after a time. Riza wasn’t sobbing, but her chest rose and fell violently, and her cheeks were covered with silent tears. “Dogs want nothing more than to feel useful, and you know how much he loved to come with you on missions.”

She nodded, her throat still tight. “He saved my life…four or five times, I think.” A shadow of a smile touched her lips. “He probably did it more often than you, actually.”

Roy laughed quietly. “I don't have any trouble believing that. He really was an exceptional dog.”

Riza closed her eyes. She could feel Roy’s thumb rubbing circles into her shoulder, and heard the wind sweeping dead leaves around their bench.

Even though her heart seemed as heavy as lead, Riza felt strangely serene. Her sorrow was deep, yes, but it was a soft kind of sorrow. All the mourning she had gone through in her life had been stained with shame, resentment, and above all guilt; they were weighted down by duty and intertwined with stories of conspiracies, alchemy, genocide. She couldn’t even grieve without blaming herself for it: what right did she have to cry over Ishval when she had been the one to commit the crimes? How could she allow herself to lament over the state of her back, when she had been the one who wanted Roy to burn it?

But for once, her sadness brought nothing more than sadness. In the midst of her complicated life, Hayate had been a source of simple joy, and his death brought her a simple sorrow. It was her dog, and Riza had loved him; the pain that she was feeling only showed how deeply she had cared, and for once she had no reason to blame herself over it.

Having Roy by her side made her sorrow softer still.

More than anything in Riza’s life, her relationship with Roy was a heavy and complicated mess. They carried so much pain, so much guilt towards each other; they had apologized for countless harm they’ve done to the other, but had forgiven themselves for none of them. Their common past was full of remorse and their future together filled by uncertainty; and the mourning they had shared had been as complex, if not more, than anything else.

But not this one. For a moment, they were not soldiers trying to make right for a genocide or overthrow a government. They were nothing more than a grieving couple who had lost their dog; an ordinary couple going through life’s small hardship. A normal couple with a very real, but normal pain.

And for a moment, despite everything, it felt just right.

#royaiweek20 #royai #hayate #black hayate

38 notes · View notes

dammitadolfnomorecake · 4 years

Text

Once Bitten, Twice Stupid prt.52

Keith couldn’t believe Lance bought him a puppy. An actual puppy. A real life puppy purchased with him in mind. He’d never thought he able to actually have his own pet, let alone a puppy. His boyfriend insisted on paying for, and carrying, everything they’d bought at the pet store, other than his new and very precious little puppy. He’d seen the little puppy trying to get everyone’s attention. None of the other puppies were playing with him, or paying any attention to him. The puppy kind of reminded him a bit of Lance in the way he fell on his back and bottom each time he tried to jump up at the plastic side of his cage. He was clumsy, with big paws and bigger ears, but he was so warm and tiny against him. Shiro wouldn’t approve, but if the puppy was staying at Lance’s then his brother couldn’t really be mad.

Sent to sit in the front of Lance’s car, Lance loaded up the back. His boyfriend seemed to take forever, and Keith was confused that he seemed to be talking to someone. Climbing into the driver’s seat, Keith noticed he was on the phone, which explained the random talking. Thanking whoever was on the other end, his boyfriend grinned at him

“Guess what?”

“What?”

“I called the vet I usually take Blue to. They don’t have an opening today, but they can see our handsome little man tomorrow afternoon”

Keith frowned. What if there was something wrong with him? What if the puppy didn’t like him? What if the vet found something wrong and they had to put the puppy down? He didn’t want to lose his puppy already... but it’d be on par with his life if he did. Reaching over, Lance ruffled his hair when he thought his boyfriend was going to pat the puppy

“Hey. He’s a good doggo. It’s for his needles. We can’t take him to the park until he’s had his injections. The puppies they get are rescues, they all get basic vet checks before hand. You heard what was said, this little dude has been waiting for weeks to meet his human. You’re allowed to be happy right now. You’re allowed to love him already, because he’s goddamn adorable”

“It feels like this is too good to be true... I didn’t... I don’t...”

Shit. He was getting teary. A fish was one thing, but a puppy was another. Lance pulled him to a one armed hug, kissing his hair as he did

“Hey, you deserve good things. And this puppy, he’s going to be your responsibility. Shiro might not be cool with a puppy right now, but once he’s bigger and out of his chewing phase, he’ll be able to stay with you in the apartment. Let yourself have this. Because you’re the one going to be cleaning up all his messes”

Keith snorted wetly, raising his head to look at Lance

“Sorry...”

“Don’t be. People are quick to judge but trauma never really leaves us. You don’t have to hide that side away from me. I’m already a sucker for you and those galaxy eyes. It’s like you’ve got the whole cosmos in there”

He’d spent years bullied for them. They were the only thing Krolia had gifted him other than 40 weeks free rent in her womb... No that wasn’t being fair. She had no idea his dad would die and leave him behind

“People never liked my eyes”

“I do. They’re pretty amazing”

Lance wouldn’t lie, but he couldn’t find it in him to believe him completely

“They called me a freak”

Lance raised his top lip to expose his teeth

“As a freak, I can promise you that you have a long way to go before you’re one of us”

That was kind of true, but Keith didn’t mind Lance’s fangs. His boyfriend better at controlling them so he only cut Keith’s a little bit when they kissed now

“I don’t know...”

“I do. Now, let’s go introduce this little one to Mami. She’s going to love him. But that’s only if you want to. You can totally wait in the car with him and I won’t be offended at all”

Keith didn’t want Luis to see his new puppy. But he kind of wanted to see Miriam happy. She was important to Lance, which made her important to him. Kind of how that elevated Shiro from annoying brother

“I’ll think about it”

“I can always ask the staff and make sure Lisa and Luis aren’t there”

“No... I don’t want to kick them out”

“Zero pressure, babe”

Keith blinked at being called “babe”

“That’s like the third time you’ve called me that”

Lance’s cheeks hinted red

“If it makes you uncomfortable...”

“No. No... it’s... kind of nice. Makes me feel wanted”

That hint of red bloomed, as Lance smiled at him

“Babe. Keith. Other father to our new puppy, I want you. I want you around and in my life. I’ll take as much of you as I can get”

Keith felt awkward under the praise

“I thought you wanted to wait for that?”

It was Lance’s turn to blink

“Did you just... wait... what?”

“You started it”

“And now I’m not going to be able to stop thinking about it. Thanks, babe”

Keith leaned in, pressing a small kiss to Lance’s lips. He wanted to remember this feeling. Him, his puppy, and his boyfriend, all being happy

“You’re welcome”

“Keith, what is that?”

Sitting on the sofa with Curtis, Shiro was the only other person in the house when they finally got home. He’d been carrying his puppy around the whole time, the little pup deciding to pee in his lap as Lance drove them back to Garrison. He’d had a big drink while they visited Miriam, who’d had carefully pats with the excitable pups

“My jeans got wet?”

That wasn’t what Shiro was asking. Keith didn’t want to fight, but his puppy needed food and he needed a shower

“Don’t tell me Lance has turned into a puppy. Actually, tell me Lance turned into a puppy and you two didn’t buy a dog”

Carrying the shopping in behind him, Lance laughed at Shiro

“If you don’t know what a puppy looks like by now, you never will. And he’s not a “that”, he’s a “him””

Walking over to the space in front of the television, Lance dropped the bags from the pet store

“You got a dog?”

Keith shifted his weight. He knew it’d been too good to last. Lance didn’t seem to care, stretching after placing the bags down as he nodded

“Yep, we got a puppy. I mean, Keith’s kind of like a big puppy, but now we’ve got a little puppy”

“How does visiting Miriam result in Keith coming home with a puppy?”

Keith bit his bottom lip. He didn’t want to cry. Not in front of Shiro and Curtis, who were sitting too close to each other. Coming up behind him, Lance wrapped his arms around Keith’s waist

“I think he’s pretty cute, and so’s the puppy. Yeah, he’s Keith’s, but, big but here, until he’s trained and a little older he’ll be living here at the house”

Shiro sighed as pinched the bridge of his nose

“Okay. Okay. But how? Why?”

“This little dudes been waiting weeks to be adopted. He’s the cutest little pupperino, and he does like the biggest pees ever. That reminds me, you need to take a shower. I’ll watch over our little man while you get cleaned up, then you can feed him. And I have to find Blue. I have to tell her about this”

Lance kissed neck, just below his ear, before whispering

“It’s okay. You’ve done nothing wrong”

Then why did it feel like he had. Who was he kidding? He couldn’t just have a puppy out of nowhere. Slipping around him, Lance put himself between him and Shiro

“Now, gimme the puppy. I want cuddles with our resident cutie’s cutie”

When Lance took the tiny puppy, Keith instantly missed him. He didn’t handle things too gracefully as he all but ran from the room and up to Lance’s. Shiro wasn’t happy. He wasn’t happy and Keith had made him that way. A horrible sick feeling set in, because he really didn’t want to have to return the puppy. Those display boxes at the pet store were no place for animals. This little puppy probably had a hard enough life as it was. Lance had said it was okay... so why couldn’t Shiro be okay with it?

Lance waited until he heard the shower turn on upstairs before redirecting his attention from the puppy in his arms to Shiro

“Okay, right. Did you have to scare him off like that?”

Shiro raised an eyebrow at him

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, you upset him and it’s not cool”

“Lance...”

“I get it. A puppy is a big deal. A pet is a big responsibility and you guys work crazy hours. What I don’t get is breaking Keith’s heart like this. He’s certain that he doesn’t deserve a dog. That he’s not allowed to be happy about it. A dog is a serious commitment. They’re not like a cat, even if Blue is a damn princess. But you should have seen him, Shiro. He was so happy. He’s been so happy since he held him the first time”

“We’re barely home with work”

Lance could see both sides here. But Keith was his boyfriend, and the puppy was his idea

“That’s why this little one will stay here. Maybe he was an impulse buy, but Keith deserves this happiness. He was so scared to tell you. He’s been scared since we left Platt. This little dude has been waiting weeks to be adopted. It was like... like they were waiting for each other without knowing it”

Shiro tiredly scrubbed at his face, with a soft sigh

“I’m not trying to be the bad guy. We would have a dog if we’d been in the position. But as you said, they’re a lot of work. I’m scared he’s not going to take things well if something was to happen”

“I get that. I don’t want to hurt Keith. I know it was rash and impulsive, but... His happiness... He was so happy. Out here is safer while he’s growing up. He’s got space to move with no traffic. I’ll work on getting him toilet trained, but Keith will do most of the training. This pup is for him. Even if... we don’t work out, I still want to know he had a friend there for him. No offence but there’s some things you can’t say out loud, so we say them to our pets”

“I guess... He is kind of cute”

“The dog or your brother?”

Shiro rolled his eyes at him

“You really want me to answer that?”

“Nope. Here. Have a cuddle and get him used to you both. I’m going to check on Keith”

Keith felt better for having showered. He didn’t know how to face Shiro, yet he was happy to no longer be covered in puppy pee. Thinking Lance as downstairs, he nearly dropped his towel in surprise when he found Lance sitting on the end of his bed, waiting for him

“Careful, don’t go dropping that towel”

“I... what... where’s the puppy?”

Keith didn’t mean to focus on the puppy, but Shiro wasn’t happy about it and now the puppy wasn’t with Lance

“Uncle Shiro is having cuddles. I’m letting our little dude work his magic on his uncle. Come sit next to me”

Keith did as Lance said, sitting down beside his boyfriend. Taking him by the hand, Lance interlaced their fingers

“Now. I had a talk with Shiro and explained that the puppy would be staying here for now”

“He wasn’t happy”

“No, but, he understands now. And he’s okay. It might have been impulsive, but if you hadn’t adopted him, I would have. Blue was all the company I needed. Well, Pidge and Hunk too, but I think having a dog around might be good thing too”

“You would have got him because of me?”

“Yes and no. Mostly yes, but that puppy, he didn’t ask to be born. He didn’t ask not to find a loving family, or to be surrendered. I know pet shops have rules and regulations but whenever I’m there I just want to take all the animals home. When I saw the way you looked at him, I knew you were seeing yourself, weren’t you?”

Keith didn’t know what to say to that. Yeah. He had. He’d been alone and ignored for years. He’d never been enough, no matter how good he was. He didn’t have his family and he never felt like he belonged at any of his foster families. He’d been a run away when Shiro had found him. So jaded and warped by life that he’d made Shiro’s life as hard as possible trying to drive him away

“Maybe...”

“I know your past is hard to talk about, but you can talk to me. Have you thought of a name yet?”

“No... I mean, every name seems... not right”

“You’re over thinking things. You and your galaxy eyes have the right name in there somewhere. Blue got her name from her Blue eyes. She was vicious as a kitten and that just made her cuter”

Lance was back on about his eyes again. Maybe... maybe they weren’t as weird as he thought? Maybe... he... maybe he was starting to like the colour thanks to his boyfriend. Shiro had reassured him like a million times over them, but this wasn’t his brother feeling obligated

“Do you really think they look like that?”

“What looks like what?”

“My eyes?”

Leaning in Lance kissed him softly, his lips against his as spoke, free hand coming up to cup Keith’s cheek

“I could get lost in them. They’re beautiful, like the rest of you. You’ve got your own little galaxy happening in there”

Keith malfunctioned. Awkwardly replying

“Your eyes are... pretty too... like the ocean and shit”

Lance drew back with a laugh, Keith internally dying that little bit more on the wake of fucking up his compliment

“Like the ocean and shit... shit isn’t pretty”

“Oh shut up”

Way to make him feel embarrassed

“I’m sorry... it was so you I couldn’t help but laugh. Anyway mine are just blue”

“It’s a nice blue, arsehole”

“My arsehole isn’t blue, but Blue is an arsehole”

He couldn’t fucking win

“I give up”

Lance shook his head, laughter dying down

“Sorry. Sorry, I shouldn’t have laughed. As for the puppy, you have nothing to worry about. Shiro and Curtis are bonding over him. I’m not trying to eavesdrop, but they think he’s pretty cute”

“You think he’ll let me have him?”

“Babe, the puppy is already yours. I’d give you the whole cosmo if that meant making you smile like you were today”

Just like that warmth was filling his chest and his heart was doing stupid things

“I don’t want the whole cosmos...”

“I know. Hey, do you like space?”

The question made Keith draw his brow in confusion

“Why?”

“Because I’ve got an idea”

Lance seemed excited about whatever this idea was

“I’m glad you do, because I have no idea what you’re on about”

“I was thinking if you liked space we could give him a space name to go with those eyes of yours. So when you’re with your puppy, you can remember that you have someone in your life that thinks they’re pretty. Like, even if it doesn’t work out between us, I’ll never stop disliking you or your eyes... Man, it sounded much lamer when I say it out loud”

It was lame. Very lame and very Lance

“I... um... don’t know”

“Cosmo. But with a “K”, like for Keith. So it’s K-O-S-M-O”

Lance was way too excited now

“That’s a dumb name. I was kind of waiting for him to tell me his name in his own way”

Lance sighed at him

“I thought I was onto something there. Then I’d have my own galaxy and Kosmo...”

Keith felt himself starting to smile

“I thought the puppy was mine?”

“He is. But I’ve got you... so you know, by default and all that”

Lance was making him stupid with happiness. Lance didn’t judge him, nor had he pushed the topic

“You really like me, don’t you?”

Lance frowned at him, his expression slightly wounded

“Isn’t that obvious?”

“It is... but I wonder if it’s too obvious. Like you’re trying too hard to see anything in me”

Lance sighed at him, leaning in again this time to rest his forehead against Keith’s

“That’s because you don’t see your own worth, idiot. You’re all “Me hunt! Me stab!”, when you wanna be all “cuddle me”. You’re not the tough guy you think you are”

“I’m pretty tough...”

“And very manly. And very sexy. For an idiot hunter who convinced he’d gotten himself turned”

Keith wasn’t about to let Lance win again

“Just how sexy am I?”

“Ummm... like very sexy”

“Like sexy and shit?”

Lance didn’t laugh like he thought his boyfriend would, instead he nodded, practically whispering

“Very sexy and shit”

It felt right to kiss him. Lance responding openly, Keith’s hands finding Lance, pulling on him until his boyfriend was in his lap. The towel wasn’t offering much in the way of modesty, and Lance’s kisses were making him dizzy. Hungry and horny, they kissed less than innocently, Lance starting to grind against Keith’s semi. Holding his boyfriend’s hip, Keith body rocked to meet Lance on instinct, Lance’s sweet moans lost in the kisses. Then Keith was in his back, Lance diving back in for more kisses.

When Lance finally pulled back, his eyes were half lidded, sweetness starting to roll off of him

“We better stop”

Keith didn’t want to stop. Not with Lance in his lap like this

“Why?”

“Because I don’t know if I can hold back”

“Then don’t”

“Keith...”

A trace of warning hung in Lance’s tone. The day had been all over the place but it was one of the best days of Keith’s whole life. Their “not a date but a shopping trip” had felt a lot like he thought a date should feel like

“I’m not saying we have to do anything, but if you want to, I want to do it with you. Not because of your heat, but... because... I really like you”

Lance’s eyes widened

“Keith... I...”

“I really like you too. And today... today is a day I never want to forget”

“I don’t want to rush you. Or pressure you. We don’t have to...”

“No. No. It’s okay... I want to be... with you”

And he did. Sometimes Lance could be an arsehole, sometimes he messed up and made his boyfriend feel shitty, but at the end of the day, he wanted to be with Lance. He wanted to be physical, or try to be physical, with his boyfriend

“Okay”

10 notes · View notes

ak47stylegirl · 4 years

Text

Life Changes: Chapter 16

Chapter 16 is done! wooohoo! XD

This fic is dedicated to @gumnut-logic (also thanks Nutty for letting me use Jack XD)

The rest of the chapters can be found here. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter! XD

----

Virgil pov

He rolled over in bed, staring blankly out at the city skyline; the sun having risen long ago. Three days have passed since that dreadful night, and Alan still hasn't woken up.

Their baby brother had fallen in to a coma.

The doctors had started to suspect that Alan could have suffered undetected brain damage, ordering brain scans to be performed. And as it became clear that Alan wasn’t going to wake up any time soon, the hospital had moved him to a more secure, more permanent room in the ICU.

Where they could visit him freely and without restrictions on how many of them could see him at a time. Kayo had also doubled their security immensely in the last couple of days, doing background checks on all of the hospital staff.

And it was no surprise to any of them that Dr Jim Smith was on the list of ‘don’t come ten feet near Alan or you die’ list. Kayo had been very insistent on that. As well as background checks, Kayo had also (somehow?!) compiled a team of vetted and trained security guards for them.

There were three guards standing watch outside their hotel room right now, along with two more guarding Alan’s hospital room. Plus Kayo, who insisted on protecting Alan personally and not even hell freezing over would change her mind.

And in a sense, Kayo was also guarding Scott, who had barely left Alan’s side; only leaving to eat, sleep and take bathroom breaks. Even Grandma couldn’t get him to leave on the threat of home cooking…

Which wasn’t a threat that you take lightly, she would actually follow up on it but even that time old trick has lost its magic in the last few days. Their world was falling apart, and a little bit of burnt food didn’t scare them like it used to.

The hospital was encouraging them to talk to Alan like he was awake and could hear them, that hearing their voices could help him regain consciousness.

But he couldn’t even step foot in the hospital after seeing Alan laid out on that hospital bed; Neck in a brace, unable to breathe on his own, almost lifeless in his stillness.

He had stumbled out of the ICU and into Scott’s arms, sobbing his heart out on his big brother’s shoulder. Repeating over and over again that he was to blame, that it was all his fault!

Scott had pushed him away slightly, his hands placed firmly on his shoulders with an almost furious look in his eyes. “It is not your fault, Virgil!” His brother had snapped, blue eyes ablaze with emotions.

“There nothing-” Scott’s voice cracked, wavering slightly, “-you could have done, so please stop this…”

He had been so startled by...well the fact that Scott had been pleading with him, begging him to stop blaming himself, that he had just nodded mindlessly. He was just so tired at that point, that he just wasn’t going to fight Scott on it.

That first night, he was in such a state of distress that the only way he was even able to fall asleep was because Grandma had chosen to sit by his bedside until he fell asleep; effectively comforting him enough that he was able to finally fall into a much needed deep sleep.

He was a complete wreck of his normal self. All while falling asleep that first night, all he could think about was how much of a failure he was. And he still was thinking that, because he couldn’t even muster up the will to get out of bed.

It was like his mind and body had just shut down completely. Before he was feeling too many emotions; now, he was struggling to feel anything. He couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t eat…

Every time he closed his eyes, he would see his baby brother bleeding out on that gala floor or on that hospital bed, so still, so lifeless…

And with every day that passed with no sign of Alan waking, his nightmares got worse and worse. He knew John and Gordon had noticed, how could they possibly not have? They were sleeping just a bed or two across from him.

He hated that he was worrying his brothers, because why else would they be here with him when they could be at Alan’s bedside instead? He thought with a sigh, looking over at his brothers, who were sitting on the bed across from him.

John was sitting in the corner of the bed, legs crossed as he furiously typed away at his tablet. All while ignoring Gordon, who was spread lengthways across the bed, half-heartedly strolling through his phone.

The room was filled with an anxious boredom as they waited for Grandma or Scott to call them with some form of news on the results of Alan’s brain scans.

But the nearly endless wait was driving them stir-crazy…

When will they hear some news? And would they like what they may hear? If he was being honest, he was dreading that phone call. Because what if the results came back positive?

Hasn’t Alan suffered enough?

“Honestly!?” Gordon yelled, causing him to jump and look over at his brother, who was glaring at his phone. “you would think they would have better things to report on then our family!”

“Unfortunately” John lowered his tablet with a weary sigh. “Anything happening to our family is front-page news to those people..”

Gordon scowled, throwing his phone down on the bed; missing John by a thin margin. “Well, I don’t care if it's front-page news or whatever, why can’t they just say out of it?!”

Gordon’s face crumbled slightly as he moved into a sitting portion, hugging his knees. “His face is plastered all over the interwebs John…” Gordon whispered, his voice losing its anger and in its place was an immense sadness.

“Along with those grainy photos of Virg-” Gordon frozen, suddenly realising that he was, in fact, awake and looking right at him “Um, I mean-”

He sighed deeply, forcing himself to sit up, “You mean those cellphone photos of me desperately trying to keep Alan from bleeding to death?” He answered almost emotionlessly as he rubbed at his face tiredly. “I have seen them already, Gords..”

He couldn’t even turn the TV on or go on his phone without getting blasted with reminders of what happened. And even then the news networks would be blasting it from the tallest skyscrapers.

It was like it was haunting him everywhere he went...

He frowned slightly, moving so he was sitting on the edge of the bed. He could feel John’s eyes on him, scrutinising him like he was a complex math problem John was trying to figure out. He didn’t like it...

“Um...yeah, those photos…” Gordon mumbled, rubbing his arm nervously, his eyes flickering between looking at him and not looking at him; Gordon’s reddish-brown eyes filled with barely masked concern.

Everybody has been giving him that look lately…

Gordon looked over at John, “Can’t you or Jack do anything about it? Like maybe get them taken down?” Jack was their lawyer and a pretty good one at that.

John sighed again, shaking his head. “Jack is already flat out busy with making sure the people responsible for all of this get life in prison..” John explained, his frustration and fury at the people responsible for hurting their little brother clear in his voice. “Doesn’t help that the GDF is being difficult…”

“Difficult?” He wondered softly; his curiosity peaked, “how so? I thought It would be clear and easy?”

They attempted to kill Allie; the GDF should easily see that they deserved to get life in prison?

John’s eyes flashed to him again with that same masked concern in them as Gordon’s eyes had. “You would think so, but the higher-ups of GDF are thinking of treating this as an attempted robbery gone wrong, rather than attempted manslaughter because, well-” John hesitated, avoiding their eyes.

“Because?” Gordon questioned.

John sighed wearily, looking up at them with a deadly serious expression, “-Because apparently to them there isn’t enough proof to prove that Alan getting shot was intentional...”

His eyes widened in horror.

What?!

“What?!” Gordon exclaimed, jumping up from the bed in outrage “Not enough proof?! Alan is in a coma and paralysed because of that asshole!” Angry tears had gathered in Gordon’s eyes. “Maybe even brain-damaged! How is there not enough proof?!”

He stood up and walked over to the window, pinching the bridge of his nose to try and keep some kind of control over himself; what happened to not feeling anything?

Deep breaths Virgil, deep breaths...

“What about all of the witnesses?” he questioned, facing away from his brothers as he glared out the window. “Everybody saw it, you…” his voice shook “you couldn’t miss it if you tried..”

Alan’s terrified eyes, a flash and a loud bang. Allie on the floor, blood everywhere; baby brother crying in pain. That man laughing...

He gripped the windowsill tightly, glaring out at the skyline, “Everybody knew why, it wasn’t an accident, it wasn’t a stray bullet…” He took a shaky deep breath, feeling his eyes fill with moisture, “He looked right at me and said ‘International rescue couldn’t save my sister from being paralysed, so now I’ll return the favour!’”

He turned to face his brothers, both their faces bleached pale; Gordon’s more than John’s. This was the first time he has spoken in detail about what transpired that night to his brothers. “There's no way that wasn’t intentional..”

“They’re going to get what they deserve Virg, Jack and Lady Penelope are confident of that…” John spoke, his voice taking on a gentler tone, the tone he uses when he’s talking to distressed and panicked rescuees.

He hated the fact that John felt the need to use that voice on them, on him...

“It may not seem like it but…” John’s shoulders dropped, his brother’s eyes filled with exhaustion. “But it only has been three days since that night; court cases take time...”

“Feels way longer than just three days…” Gordon muttered softly, scuffing the sole of his shoe into the carpet. “Especially with Allie not..” Gordon dropped back down on the bed next to John, wrapping his arms around himself tightly, “you know, waking up..”

Every single one of big brother instincts was screaming at him to go and comfort his brother, but he hesitated, and in that time, John had beat him to it.

“I know Gordy...” John sighed sadly, pulling Gordon in a loose one-armed hug; their little brother collapsing like a rag doll against John's chest with a little sniffle.

His already broken heart seemed to break even more at the sight of their mischievous and fun-loving little brother looking so down; so drained of happiness and hope.

Sometimes he forgot that Alan wasn’t just Gordon’s little brother but his best friend as well. How didn’t he noticed that he wasn’t the only one that wasn’t dealing well with Alan's injury?

The self-hatred he was feeling towards himself seemed to double at that thought.

“They’re not going to get away with this Virgil; I promise you that..” John promised, aqua blue eyes looking right at him, voice leaving no room for argument. “Jack, Colonel Casey, Penny and I are going to make sure of that..”

“I know…” He sighed, running his hand through his ungelled hair, turning to look out the window again; just being able to make out the hospital in the distance. “I’m going to have to testify, ain’t I?”

“If you’re willing and that is what you want to do, of course, you can..” John explained with an odd, almost worried tone to his voice. “but Scott, Grandma and I were talking, and we think it’s a better idea if you don’t..”

“What?” He turned around in astoundment. Even Gordon looked confused, looking up at John with a raised eyebrow. “What do you mean, don’t testify?” His fist clenched slightly as anger started bubbling in his stomach. “If I don’t, they’ll get away-I..”

He bit his bottom lip, glancing out the window as anxiety flooded him again at the thought of those people being able to walk free. “I…I have to testify, or else they’re...they’re..”

“Virgil..” John’s voice cut through his panic, sounding incredibly sad as well as concerned. “With how many witnesses there were, you don’t necessarily have to testify for there to be enough proof to prove them guilty..”

“But…” He glanced back at his brothers, and the first thing that hits him is just how concerned they looked, both of them; even Gordon. They weren't even trying to hide it from him anymore.

His fists clenched as he turned his face away from his brothers. They did think he was broken, didn’t they? Why else would they be acting like this?

“We just don’t want to push you too far by forcing you to relive that night, Virg” John explained gently, “you have been through a lot these last couple of days after all..”

Understatement of the year, he thought with a scoff.

John continued, “and we don’t want to see you get hurt any more than you have been..”

His eyebrows furrowed, the anger starting to bubble in his stomach again. He wasn’t the one that was hurt, what was John going on about?! Alan was the one that was hurt!

Not him! He thought as he gripped the window sill tightly, his eyes squeezed shut as he tried to push his anger down. He didn’t understand why he was getting so angry at his brothers; they were worried about him because they cared.

But maybe he wasn’t really angry at them but more at himself? Because deep down, he didn’t feel like he deserved their worry; he was the one that had let their baby brother get shot after all. They should hate him...

Like he hated himself...

“That’s why we think testifying in front of all those people, including the guys responsible for this, isn’t such a good idea..” John explained, his voice filled with brotherly concern; which just seemed infuriated him more. “Especially when you don’t necessarily have too..”

Things went silent for a moment; like his brothers were waiting for him to say something, but he wasn’t in the mood to talk, he didn’t trust himself not to start shouting if he did.

John sighed, sounding slightly disheartened “Scott wanted to be the one to talk to you about this, he thought you’ll probably take it better from him than anyone else..”

He rolled his eyes, looking out at the skyline. Of course, Scott would want to be the one to talk to him. That was typical Scott, always wanting to be the one to shoulder the burden.

But that meant that even Scott, his best friend, though he was..was broken? He realised with a shaky gasp, a feeling of betrayal missing into the anger he was feeling. Sure John had mentioned Scott being a part of this before, but the meaning of it all was only just hitting him now...

“I’m not made of glass…” He whispered tensely as he turned to face his brothers, anger seasoning his voice like a strong chili, hot and burning. “So will you please stop acting like it?!”

His voice had raised to a shout, like he feared it would; but right now, he didn’t care. John’s eyes hardened a touch, but they were still filled with that same concern that filled him with rage.

Gordon flinched, brown eyes wide with startled fear and concern, “Virg, John was only saying-”

“I know what he was saying, Gordon!” He snapped at Gordon and instantly regretted it as Gordon’s eyes filled with hurt. “Gordon I-”

“Forget it..” Gordon muttered as he got up from his position on the bed, “I’m going to take a bath; closest thing I'm going to get to a swimming pool for a while..”

The shared bathroom door slammed shut.

“We're just trying to look out for you, Virgil..”

Just as fast as his anger appeared, it disappeared just as fast; maybe even quicker, leaving him feeling empty and hollow once again. He turned to look at John, feeling horribly lost.

“I..i know, I just-” Suddenly being stuck in a room with the people he had just yelled at, was too much for him to take. “I’m going for a walk, call me when you hear news…”

Then he ran, only stopping long enough to put his boots on and grab his phone before he was out the door; not looking back.

He was getting really good at running away it seemed...

#thunderbirds are go #alan tracy #Virgil Tracy #John Tracy #Gordon Tracy #Scott Tracy #thunderbirds #thunderbirds fanfiction #Life Changes

12 notes · View notes

disastrousjest · 3 years

Text

Confessions of 2020..

(tw: covid mention, mental health mention)

I wanted to post a little something that might put out some insight for my followers, friends, mutuals alike. With the recent battle I had with some personal blogs attacking me over some posts I made because of the images, regardless of the purpose of the post. I just wanted to let everyone aware of why that sent me over the edge and why I handled it the way I did. Please note: I will not be apologizing for what I said, I do feel as though those that tried to reach out to me did not realize the purpose of the post. And while I understand now I should just tag things like that differently, I will not be apologizing for stating the fact that this is a rp blog and I do not appreciate personal blogs attacking me over something like that. That being said, I will not be bullied off tumblr or this account. Because I love JJBA and Joseph Joestar. So for future reference, if you don’t like my content, unfollow it. Don’t bother sending me nasty remarks because I do not have the time for those types of things. But I wanted to open the doorway to some insight for you all who have been paying attention or who just might care to know why I came off so incredibly outraged by that little bit. Because to me it was just the topping of a whole bunch of bullshit as is 2020. This whole shithole of a year began in March. I got promoted at work to salary. That’s 35k a year my friends and that’s a hell of an upgrade for someone who barely makes a living wage right now and came from a working poor family. I really thought my life was gonna turn around. For once my fiance and I wouldn’t have to struggle so hard and we could afford to do everything we talked about doing. Well guess what--2 weeks after the announcement of my promotion my work place shut down because of Covid-19. Nothing new, lots of people and places were shut down. So fine, it pushed back my transfer and such. That wasn’t a big deal. Enter June 2020. We re-open and my manager calls me into his office to talk to him about said mentioned promotion. They are suspending it, means it could be pushed back until we could lift the restrictions. Understandably so, I would just have to keep my old position, an hourly one, until they were called back. Now the months pass, June becomes July and enter August. I find out about a week before the company announces it at the start of August, the position I was promoted to has been eliminated indefinitely. There is a chance they could come back, but right now they have no idea when or if that’ll happen. Which means that whole part of my department no longer exists at my place of work. I mean it’s a good thing I had my hourly position to fall back into or I’d lost my job. But that salary raise? Gone.

Rewind back to July. I get very very VERY sick. And have to test for covid-19 the first time. Only because I am so sick and have a roommate with asthma I have to quarantine myself for 14 days. So 14 days I am locked in my bedroom alone, sleeping alone after 3 years of being with someone in bed. My meals are being left at the door for me and the only room I am allowed to enter is the bathroom, but only after it has been sanitized. Only for my results to come back negative. And now... we enter September 2020. Two major things started in September. The first, our old, senior dog became very ill. Started losing weight, wasn’t eating, losing hair, etc. So we knew his time was coming soon enough. Mid-September, I wake up one morning while our dog is dying mind you, and I cannot move my body from the waist down. Every time I tried, I’m greeted with a shot of pain straight up my spine that feels something like a hot poker being stabbed right through my spinal cord. Very very painful. I end up bed-ridden for a day or two because I cannot move. So once the pain subsides, I go see a chiropractor. Shocking (not really) announcement that my sway back--to which I was diagnosed with 10 years prior from a bad car accident--has gotten worse. What does that mean exactly? Well--my spine bends in like a S for those who don’t know, which means my lower back dips inward deeper inside my body and my tail bone curves out. Now along that dip there are 3 or 4 vertebrae that are especially messed up. The bones have become staggered out of place on top of one another, just from the muscles pulling the bones out of shape since my spine doesn’t flex the way it’s supposed to anymore. (And it hasn’t for years). The pain before this was tolerable, it would ache from time to time but never like this. Now I am crippled more or less. Here’s what that means: my mobility became extremely limited. At first in the am when I woke up I couldn’t move from the waist down for the first hour or two after I woke up. Then when I was finally able to move, I had to use my forearms to literally drag my lower body upright (still painful). Once I was able to manage that, I had to gage how strong my legs were to support my weight. And at first walking wasn’t terrible, but as the treatments began--doctor appointments, spinal adjustments, and physical therapy--to correct my spinal issue, nerve damage became clear. So now on top of this horrible pain, I had to deal with weak legs. Because of nerve damage, my right leg especially became weak. On days my back would hurt especially bad, my right knee would collapse out from under me. Which meant falling to the ground and not being able to stand up or walk for sometime there after. Now imagine dealing with not being able to support your own body, not being able to hardly walk and your dog dying at the same time. So while I”m trying not to focus on the fact that my mobility is limiting me on what I can and can’t do, my fiance is upset about this. Our dog (then weighed about 100 or more pounds) could no longer walk either. His back legs and hips were giving out as his health declined. I did not have the strength in my own legs to help carry him because his weight hurt me too much and would cause me to collapse. I had to watch my fiance struggle with this practically all by herself while I sat on the floor, only able to use my arms to help with what I could because my legs and back were too weak to do the work. This carried on into October. Our dog passes away and that alone is hard for me. I still kind of wonder if I wasn’t so weak when he got sick if I could have helped prolong his life just a little longer. I couldn’t hardly look at him when he passed and I couldn’t look at anyone else. I was very angry that my legs and back had failed me. They had failed everyone. So yes, that weight still lingers over me. It was so bad that when it came time to take turns digging his grave, I struggled with the shovel. Because I couldn’t stand up or be bent over to move the dirt, I got on my hands and knees and I took that shovel in my hands and used my arms and shoulders to dig. I wasn’t going to continue to be useless because of my limited mobility. I felt I already let him down and everyone else by not being able to help take care of him while he was still alive and sick. This was the least I could do. November comes. Things are calm now, for a while. Not bad. I finally get some braces to help with my back issues (which still continue). I keep on with my physical therapy, trying to heal and help my fiance through her mourning over the dog. My mobility slowly begins to improve, though the doctor informs me it will be a very slow process. Small steps he says. But he is still confident he can fix my spine without back surgery so I can walk again, like a regular person. The limit I am able to stand and walk increases with the help of my braces and I begin taking herbal supplements and drinking herbal teas to increase the rate of my recovery. It seems to be working better than over the counter medication. The rest of 2020 seems promising. Here comes December. On the night my fiance and I decide to go out on a date to celebrate our 5 years together. I get a phone call from work. One of my co-workers tested positive for Covid-19 and I was exposed. I am now suspended from work without pay until my test results come back negative. A real mood killer for the night. It gets better, we get home and despite the dinner being pretty somber the rest of the night seems fine. We watch movies and spend time together, finish wrapping gifts for Christmas. Then we realize the cat is missing. He’s been missing all day and all night. Nobody has seen him. Two days prior, I had taken my cat to the vet because he was sick. Again, weight loss, losing hair, etc. I was worried he may be sick. Well it’s cold outside and here it’s been snowing so it’s very cold. I set something of mine outside and a literbox for smell. And then a plate of food. ....that was almost 4 days ago. There’s been not a sign of him. I called the county shelter and they didn’t have him. My fiance suggests he was sick so... maybe he got out of the house and went somewhere to die. My gut tells me he’s not coming back. And my heart is breaking, again. Again. I am wondering if I did something wrong. If I would have kept a better eye on him, I knew he wasn’t feeling right. I somehow feel like I let him down. And then I logged into tumblr and saw those comments. Those asks people were sending about the damn images I posted for the 12 days to Christmas. And they just kept coming. I deleted the other ones, I stopped replying to them and finally just deleted the post. The Christmas spirit had been sucked out of me. I feel as though the world has began to mock me for believing the year could get better back in November. I know one thing, the holiday won’t be as bright this year. Not for me. I hope everyone stays safe and has a good holiday. Maybe 2021 will be more promising, but I”m not banking on it. Not anymore. Thanks for reading. I hope you all understand now why I have been so slow with my replies lately. As my mood goes up and down because I have been struggling with the weight of all this and depression, just trying to hang on from losing hope that for one I will be able to walk again normally and then just the loss of my animals... everything. I can’t write and I refuse to send bad quality responses and starters for you all. I hope this puts some insight on why I was so horribly upset the other day. So thank you to all my friends and everyone who has been so patient with me on all my blogs. Jotaro (dmgdstar) and Johnny (rotatingstar) and this one of course. I will be catching up to everything very soon. I’ve already made a good dent in them. Your patience is always appreciated.

#ooc #L speaks #my 2020 confessional #this is my yearly story #just a fragment of my cursed life

4 notes · View notes

thegayneapigs · 4 years

Note

I have two boys and I was wondering if your boys chase each other and pull out each others hair constantly. My vet wasnt concerned so i thought it was normal, but the bigger one recently got the little ones ear good and i had to take him to vet er. The big one just HATES the little one in his space. They dont mount but they do posture. Theyve been together for a year and now idk if i should separate them. The internet has been largely unhelpful :( is this normal?

Hi! Sorry you're stuck in this situation. It's definitely not easy to tell what you should do, and I think results vary greatly by circumstances. I only have my experience to draw from - we have two pairs of boys (one pair is brothers who grew up together, one pair we bonded ourselves), as well as the foster experiences we've had this year. In terms of hair pulling, our Silkie tends to leave clumps (like, BIG clumps) behind a lot. I'm pretty sure it's because his cage mate pulls it out sometimes. I've even seen the cage mate eating his hair (ewww!) while he just sat there calmly. As long as the pigs aren't leaving scabs and blood from hair pulling, I would say you probably don’t have to worry too much

If there are signs of them fighting aggressively, I would recommend a couple things. In my experience, our boys are ALWAYS more likely to fight in smaller spaces. When they nip at each other I've extended their floor time and given them as much cage space as I can, and this has always yielded positive results. (However, I do know that's not always an option when space is limited.)

Don't use any hideys that only have one entrance/exit. Every time I've seen piggies go at it, it's always because one feels cornered. Make sure there are plenty of spaces for them to hide and share without getting cornered in. Overall, I think it comes down to your instinct. If you feel like one is becoming too aggressive and it could lead to injuries and more harmful fighting, it might be best to separate them. But I wouldn't give up just yet. We started out with a bigger (Rigel) and much younger (Io) pair, and it was a little touch and go for about a year. They still squabble a lot, but seem to keep it low key. And giving them space always prevents fights from escalating, if I happen to be in the room when it starts, I just let them out a little early for floor time. I hope this helps! Let me know how it goes, and definitely message us back if there's anything we can do!

- Kat

#ask #answered

5 notes · View notes

rallamajoop · 5 years

Text

Some musings on symbiote morphology (AKA when size does matter)

So, back when Venom was still in cinemas, I saw it with a friend who (like me) enjoyed it mightily -- though said friend did roll her eyes pretty hard at the She-Venom scene, because of course the female!Venom has to be skinny and sexy. Of course she does.

I mean, the sexual dimorphism on display here is, uh... pretty extreme.

Usually, this would’ve gotten to me too. Few issues in genre film stick in my craw like the double standards applied to male and female bodies (ask me my thoughts on the likes of Wonder Woman or Gamora at your peril). So it was a little surprising to find that this was one I was mostly willing to shrug off.

Why? Well, that requires a bit of backing up and some more context. But mostly, it’s the perfect jumping-off point for a whole lot of rambling about visual shorthands and how symbiote morphology has been handled in the comics over the years, which apparently I had a whole essay’s worth of thoughts on. So here we go.

Now, Comic!Venom =/= Movie!Venom. They aren’t the same character, don’t have the same history, and their biology doesn’t follow the same rules. But one is still the basis for the other, so we’re going to start waayyy back at the beginning.

Since the symbiote's introduction back in '84, precious little about the species has remained consistent through the many writers and retcons, but one detail that Marvel was -- mostly -- consistent on back in the early days is that the shape a symbiote takes depends a lot on the body of its host. So when Spider-man was wearing the symbiote the result was (by design) literally just Spider-man-but-in-black:

But Venom's next host did not have the muscularly-lean body of Peter Parker, he had the jacked-up muscle-mountain that was Eddie Brock’s -- and the result is the Venom we all know and love.

Whereas when completely-normal-human-woman Anne Weying first bonds with the Venom symbiote in Sinner Takes All, we get a much slimmer She-Venom.

You can see the same trends at work with the Life Foundation Five and various other examples. So, in the comics at least, there’s some internal consistency explaining why He-Venom and She-Venom should look so very different. (Why Eddie and Anne should be such wildly different sized humans is a whoooole other topic, but best left in the Don’t Get Me Started pile for now.)

Of course, when the guy you've cast as Eddie has the physique of Tom Hardy rather than, say, He-Man, the logic of why Venom looks so huge falls apart.

⬥ Venom and She-Venom, actual size comparison.

While comic book writers of the 80's may have been able to convince a generation of fans not to question why a professional journalist would be jacked enough to dwarf Captain America, film adds a layer of realism and audience expectations that would make that a much harder sell (not to mention limiting your casting options to a much smaller pool). Casting Tom Hardy was inarguably the right call.

If Eddie no longer looked like Venom, the other solution would have been to make Venom look more like Tom Hardy--but good luck getting that past the existing fanbase. When it comes to pleasing the longtime fans, it's safe to say that Venom, not Eddie, is the character who has to look the part. Plus, Venom is entirely CG, so casting and realism no longer have to matter. Fanboys can have their giant Venom and tiny She-Venom, and the fangirls can have Tom Hardy getting all prettily roughed up. There are worse solutions.

Don't get me wrong: they could and absolutely should have evened up the difference on screen by giving She-Venom some extra body mass (she is on screen for like ten seconds, the fanboys can effing deal). But when the key decision that fucked up those ratios is making Eddie so much slimmer and sexier than he was originally supposed to be, I am unusually willing to give them a tentative pass. I mean, I love comics!Eddie too, but I can’t see him working on screen.

While I’m talking symbiote-bodies, it’s worth going into some of the other reasons to make Eddie+symbiote so huge, the obvious ones being to a) make him more threatening, and b) emphasise that Eddie's bonded with the symbiote in a way Peter never did. As a shape-shifter, Venom can make his host look bigger but not smaller (which is presumably why Rad Eddie may look younger than regular!Eddie, but is still suspiciously large for a skateboarder hanging with teens).

But size isn't the only way to make a character like Venom threatening. Compare Carnage, who is much more dangerous than Venom -- but (along with his host) fairly consistently drawn as smaller and leaner than the original.

He's still plenty threatening, though -- not because he's huge, but because he's completely bugfuck nuts and into murder for recreation. His design gets this across with a texture less like skin than a mass of veins and tentacles. Size is a good visual shorthand for danger, but it's not the only shorthand that works for symbiotes of the 90′s heyday.

You can see the same logic at work in Toxin too (a lesser-known and sadly mistreated Carnage-spawn from the early 00's). Precious little about Toxin's look remained consistent from one creative team to the next, but the impact of the host body is still there. His first host, Pat Mulligan, was a pretty average-sized dude, which is reflected in his bonded form (left), but when Eddie gets the Toxin symbiote later on, we get a much bigger Toxin (right). And Eddie's Toxin has more tentacles and rougher skin, so we know he's not going to be friendly (Eddie was really not in a good place at this point in his history).

Perhaps the most interesting example is Agent Venom, who turns up when the military bonds the Venom symbiote to Flash Thompson: disabled vet and card-carrying Spidey fan. His Venom-look is a brilliant bit of storytelling-through-design: the face and overall build hearkens back to Spider-man's time in the symbiote, the equipment signposts his military connections (past and present), and black will always be the signifier of a guy working black ops.

Perhaps most important, there's no mouth (compare both Spidey and Toxin #1), which is our sign that the symbiote's under control -- drugged into submission by the military, in fact.

But key to Flash's time in the role is that the Venom symbiote doesn't always stay drugged and docile, and whenever it starts to break free, Agent Venom morphs into Venom's traditional look -- gaping mouth, no belts or shoulder pads, and lots of bulky muscles a la the original flavour Eddie Brock (you can see him mid-transformation on the left below).

Does that make sense, when Flash is the host? Probably not, but comic book logic, as usual, is suspended for the sake of visual shorthand: fans know what Venom is "supposed" to look like, so that's what he looks like when the comic wants to telegraph that Flash is losing control. And that, I suspect, is why Lee Price's Venom (above right) looks more like Eddie's, even though Lee Price looks more like Flash. Price may be the one in charge, but he’s also a madman, so his Venom has to look out of control. The comics have officially hit Tom Hardy territory: Venom is huge now because people have come to expect Venom to look like the original Eddie-Brock!Venom, regardless of who’s inside.

There are bigger exceptions to the rule, however -- two of the more interesting turned up almost simultaneously in 2015, when both Venom!Flash and Toxin!Eddie got significant redesigns in the pages of Venom: Space Knight and Carnage (2015). Now Flash's Venom is the bulky muscular one, while Eddie's Toxin looks slimmer than Eddie has ever been before or since. What's going on here? Did the artists just screw up?

Well, not entirely -- the characters haven't just flipped looks, they've flipped roles. Now Toxin's the one being drugged into submission by a US agency (and we can only assume those drugs somehow prompt a symbiote to produce pouches, because we're two-for-two on that front). Meanwhile, Venom's been "purged of corruption" and has finally bonded with Flash as a full partner, which may be why they opted for something closer to his original look. Note that Venom has no mouth, and Toxin's is positively restrained by symbiote standards, which tells you a lot about the temperament we can expect from both of them.

That said, I don't think either design really works. Venom's new look is a real step back in creativity from his Agent Venom days, and the helmet-face would be better suited to a mech design than a symbiote who's being treated as a real character for the first time. Meanwhile, Toxin’s look doesn't really work for Eddie, for all the same reasons it did work for Flash: Eddie isn't a trusted agent in this scenario, he's more like an intelligent animal on a short leash. It isn't just the builds that are wrong -- none of the story comes across well in these designs.

All in all, the longer Venom’s been around, the less the standard host=symbiote rules seem to apply. Venom is huge because his look is sufficiently iconic that that’s what the fans expect, regardless of who’s on the inside, or whether we’ve just rewritten his entire backstory and made the jump to film.

Speaking of which, it’s worth pointing out that there is actually precedent in the comics for female symbiotes who aren't drawn like a bikini model in a layer of black body paint. One is Patricia Robertson, who bonds with the "Venom" symbiote (read: not actually the Venom symbiote) in the 2003 Venom series.

Though Trish is a woman of fairly average build, her "Venom" is virtually indistinguishable from Eddie's (too much so, if anything -- it's very hard to tell which is which when they clash). Unfortunately, the 2003 series is otherwise an ugly, incomprehensible mess of a comic, containing almost nothing that has ever been referenced again. I can really only recommend it to absolute completists.

Somewhat better handled is Tarna, a skrull Agent of the Cosmos who appears in Venom: Space Knight. Tarna's symbiotic look is not remotely feminine, and one suspects that's the point: it's ugly, threatening, and gives no clue as to who's inside. (Her symbiote can also separate from her while maintaining form, making the comparison pic unusually easy for me).

But as a shapeshifting alien bonded to a shapeshifting symbiote, Tarna perhaps doesn't make the best example for general principles. It’s worth keeping in mind that every design has a storytelling function too: Patricia’s Venom needs to be mistakable for the original Venom for plot reasons, and the reveal that Tarna is a humanoid woman under her symbiote is set up as a surprise. But the creators of the film wanted us to know that was Anne under the symbiote from the moment she appeared, so sexy!She-Venom it is.

All that said, at the very end of the day, I’d much rather not have to make these excuses for the film. I’d much rather see more Tarnas and fewer She-Venom’s, and both film and comics have a long way to go before we get there yet.

#Venom #Tom Hardy #She-Venom #Eddie Brock #Spiderman #Toxin #Flash Thompson #Lee Price #Tarna #Carnage #Venom: Space Knight #Anne Weying #Venom meta

169 notes · View notes

pandoriasbox · 4 years

Text

Jade’s SSO Rambles - 5 Current Care System

(Please keep in mind that these are my thoughts and opinions at the time of writing these rambles. I may change my mind in the future.)

Before beginning I want to establish that this particular rambles topic is purely my current thoughts on care system we have now. I want to explore further how horse care can function in game but due to how much I’ve struggled with trying to articulate I’m going to post my current thoughts now and I hope to return to the topic in the future. I would especially like to come up with better suggestions for a full overhaul as I have some fun ideas related to our new crafting mechanics that were just released and some other ideas I have brewing in my brain.

Horse Care Praise

I hate to criticize or suggest adjustments to anything without offering a positive outlook on what I believe is done well about the aspects I want changed. It’s also good to take note of these parts as they could potentially be something worth working into the overhauled system.

I appreciate that unlike 90% of horse games that have been around (at least since I was a kid and amongst those I’ve found in my own horse game research) that SSO and the other Star Stable PC games have always kept the actual horse care aspect simple. You take whatever you want to care for a horse with and use it on them without having to go through a mini-game. It’s a simple animation or one and done action. This is important to me when you have to do this on a regular basis or to a large amount of horses. (Only issue is that loading bar and some other small UI nit-picks.)

The functioning wash stall is a nice addition to the game, I appreciate how it actually acts as a grooming interaction on your horse too and temporarily removes the tack. The only thing I wish we had was a way to activate photo mode and have slightly more free camera movement and the hidden UI like our horse’s name and hiding all sparkles while activated. (I also adore the little easter egg where you dance in the suds.)

I appreciate all the different items we’re able to feed our horses. It’s also kind of neat that while normal items like apples, carrots and hay are available in all the standard feed shops there’s special harder to get items too. Such as the produce cart in Aideen’s Plaza or when we get holiday items. (Like from the little helpers or 2019’s birthday cakes!)

Horses App

I think in terms of mini-games that the way the foal app does it is actually pretty enjoyable. This is a little bit off topic since it delves into the app instead of SSO itself but an equally noteworthy topic especially if the team ends up pulling aspects of the mini-games into SSO. I like that it doesn’t take an extreme amount of work like some games do and that the hoof picking especially has noticeable spots to clean and you only do one hoof. (I also appreciate that it looks like actual objects falling off, sure it’s not realistic but it’s more appealing than other games I’ve seen.) The only thing I’ve ever had an issue with is the petting which seems to have problems with detection of the touch screen.

Overall the visual effects are pleasant and I love the fact you don’t have to cover every inch of the horse for it to count. You can just keep grooming the same spot for the brush and washing and it works instead of trying to hunt the tiny section you missed besides for when you wash soap off. (Which makes sense, you wash where you put it.)

I also like that the horses seem to have certain foods they like or prefer more. Though I personally would like to see it that they eat anything but have certain foods they like more than others.

In terms of the training I really love that we can run our horse through ground work with lunging, cavaletti, free jumping and the sorta tricks teaching and side pass work. These are aspects I would really love to see integrated into SSO as other options for training our horses outside of running the same races over and over. If the first person view isn’t kept though I do think the player movement both mechanically and visually will need an update. The only noticeable gameplay issue I could see is in terms of accessibility if mouse movement was used to replace the touch screen element.

Basic Care System Suggestions

These are aspects I think should be for the most part implemented regardless of how the team goes about updating the caring system unless it becomes redundant.

As I praised above, keep a simplistic means of doing horse care for accessibility and even if it doesn’t have any effects it’s still nice for roleplay. Either keep it down to a simple click and drag or you press an interact button.

Remove designated care areas and let players do basic care actions such as brushing, hoof picking, watering and feeding anywhere. (Care areas such as those in and around stables.)

Remove excess UI such as the loading bar and only have the animations playing. Also remove the blinking or fading black screens. If necessary simply have the player clip into place like when mounting and let them move from where they are after the animation. (Unless it could cause issues with players clipping through walls.) Also remove the bar across the top and make any updates to your horse less intrusive such as the using the notification box in the corner.

Reasons to Remove Current Happiness System

While I don’t have any promising ideas for replacing the current system I didn’t want to leave out my reasoning for removing the current “mood/happiness” system and the buffs/debuffs associated with daily care of your horse.

Higher Player Accessibility

Players are not required to perform the care in order to have non-debuffed/faster horses. (Especially those with disabilities.)

No guilt over having to either leave horses extremely unhappy or for having to use star coins to tend to all of them.

Players can ride any horse they own at any time, therefore increasing enjoyment of their current horses and allowing them to participate in unique events related to specific breeds.

Removes Feelings of Punishment/Positive Reward For Not Playing

If a player is unable to log in on a daily basis they are immediately punished by losing happiness with their uncared for horses. Even one day is a rather big nuisance and cannot be rectified immediately other than through paying a large sum of SC to the vet. Removing this aspect will garner player happiness and remove a reason for the player to not want to return to the game.

Removes the aspect that using the app to pay for horse care has induced that basically rewards players for not playing the game as they don’t even need to log into the game in order to have their horses cared for.

Provides Additional Reason to Buy More Horses

Players will be more willing to purchase additional horses because of the former reasons. There are little to no negative connotations with owning a massive hoard of horses if daily care requirement is removed.

Players will also be more willing to buy horses as they will no longer have to balance paying for stable care versus paying for a new horse.

Extra Notes

I think adding the foal app mini-games especially for grooming (and maybe training in the future) would be a good idea. These could be accessible in the home stable wash stall or at the wash stalls in places such as the Rescue Ranch and Starshine Ranch.

The mini-games should remain as completely optional and more interactive, engaging and roleplaying based way for the player to interact with their horse. As mentioned in Amelia and Leila’s interview it would also provide additional repeatable gameplay especially for younger audiences.

If daily feeding is required I think going with an idea similar to Amelia’s suggestion for a silo from the interview with Leila would be a good idea. I personally think either setting this up via the bulletin board or having it in the feed room would work best. The player could then buy hay from the food stalls and fill up their feed storage to act as a shillings based auto-care system. (I also think if a means of crafting food that buffs your horses is added then you could add it to the auto feeding to apply it to all your horses.)

Also in regards to the vet currently, I feel the price is absurd to pay to get your horse to max happiness. It should not cost me a week’s worth allowance of free currency to max 1 horse. Either it should be 100 to max my entire stable or should be far cheaper to max a single horse. I would argue no more than 25 SC at most with 10-15 being preferable. I would also like to see an alternate option to pay in a large amount of shillings for the vet.

I’d like to see stable care changed from 7 SC a day to 5 SC if we don’t have any shillings alternative systems in place. Even then 5 SC a day is still better as it is easier (at least where I’m from, not sure elsewhere) to count by. Most of the horses are for sale in multiples of 5 (650, 825, 900, ect) and would make pricing easier on players. I would argue anything sold for SC should be done in multiples of 5 but stable care is the most commonly purchased thing beyond horses. (Since most apparel can be bought with shillings instead and not many items are SC only.)

Alternate System Suggestion

So while I haven’t been able to think of a better system overhaul I did come up with something that feels like a step in between our current system and a brand new one. I don’t think this is the best way to approach updating how horse care works but I wanted to mention it in case it can help inspire ideas from others on how to do a better update.

The basic idea is running on a “3 tier” happiness system where you horse is either happy, unhappy or miserable. (Instead of the 5 stage system we currently have.) This includes 3 tiers of caring as well.

Horses can be brought from miserable to happy in one day without paying SC and can be done to any number of horses but requires more effort than paying a vet.

Taking care of your horse daily results in the least amount of time and effort required to maintain the horse’s happiness. However stable care isn’t necessary and the player can mostly avoid the punishment issues even if they don’t because they can raise their horses’ happiness up without paying SC if they are willing to put time and effort in.

Overall this idea is very rough and I’m sure would require quite a bit of additional work especially as I unfortunately don’t know how the programming/coding side would work.

Alternate System Breakdown

Each action adds points to the horse’s overall happiness. Basic actions such as brushing, hoof picking, watering and feeding your horse hay will be the equivalent of +1 happiness. More advanced actions will give the player higher amounts of happiness such as using the wash stall or other special designated grooming areas. (Not care areas like around stables but more like the stations at the ranches.) Certain foods will reward higher happiness points so an apple, carrot or orange might be +2 instead of 1.

When a horse is miserable the only way to reach full happiness is by visiting a vet in order to use a care station with them. This wouldn’t require SC but instead would be similar to how the Rescue Ranch worked where you perform an action with the horse to give it the final boost required to reach full happiness in one day.

Doing tier 1 or 2 caring for your horse subsequent days in a row would be enough to raise them to max happiness again. It should only take about 3 days at most to reach it. I’m not certain if continually feeding your horse should theoretically be able to max happiness, I was considering having food max out in terms of how much it can do. (“Your horse is full and cannot eat anymore” or something like that.)

In terms of a point system doing basic care is enough to maintain horse happiness every day and is enough to go from an unhappy status to happy. Going from miserable to happy would require a certain number of food (which could be its own point system potentially?) combined with the full amount of care options available from the basic tier 1 and 2 grooming to the tier 3 vet assistance.

Lastly, I would prefer to have the requirement of daily feeding removed from the game entirely so I don’t feel this is the best way to replace our current system. As I discussed with a friend I think part of the problem keeping this in SSO is the fact the game’s time is tied with real life time. I don’t mind daily feeding of my animals in something such as Harvest Moon or Stardew Valley because time is different and unrelated to when I’m available to play. I can play through a week’s worth of time in game during a single day’s play session in real life. But I can also abandon the game for a month and come back to find everything as I left it unlike in SSO. If I leave that long then all my horses will be miserable unless I pay for stable care with premium currency and it will take a week or so bare minimum to get anyone up to max happiness again without paying 100 SC per horse. For a game that wants players to keep paying either via subscriptions and/or with the multitude of horses released it really doesn’t make sense to keep such a punishing system in game. I can see where starting out that makes sense as a game mechanic but it is incredibly outdated and long over due to be replaced either with a long term solution or a short term one.

Link to Amelia’s interview with GM Leila.

Again, thank you for taking the time to read through my thoughts! I hope I’ll be able to come back to this topic in the future with some additional ideas that would expand upon the game rather than simply analyzing our current gameplay.

If you have anything you’d like to add feel free to respond via reblogging, replying or shooting me an ask!

#jaderambles #sso #care #care system #discussion #game mechanics #mechanics #5

9 notes · View notes

bthenoise · 4 years

Text

We’re Starting To Lose It So We Made A Fake Music Award Show To Remember The Quarantine By

We are losing our minds and we aren’t talking figuratively like The Pixies. Every morning waking up in quarantine feels like an episode of Punk’d.

Where is Aston Kutcher -- oh right, it’s 2020 -- Where is Chance The Rapper? we ask ourselves as we peel ourselves out of bed for what feels like the millionth time.

Seriously, though. We know you guys are feeling the same way too. We read the tweets. We see the TikToks. Ya’ll are losing your goddamn minds just like us.

The good thing is, to help with this sense of craziness as best as we possibly can (which isn’t saying much, we aren’t doctors after all -- shout out to all the amazing medical teams out there!) we have constructed the first and hopefully last 2020 Noise Quarantine Awards.

Featuring highly coveted awards such as Best Soundtrack To Fuel Your Hatred For The Government and Best Song To Steal Toilet Paper To, the awards below are meant to shine a light on all the positive things to come out of 2020.

We know it sounds like an impossible task to put “2020″ and “postive” in the same sentence but somehow we did it.

Check out the awards below.

Fantastic Features Award

youtube

Silverstein - A Beautiful Place To Drown

Honestly, there are probably about ten different awards we could give Silverstein’s sensational LP A Beautiful Place To Drown. From start to finish, this is hands down one of the band’s best albums yet. However, for the sake of this very serious and very made-up award show, we are happy to present the scene staples with the Fantastic Features Award.

Not only did the band include familiar favorites such as Beartooth’s Caleb Shomo, Simple Plan’s Pierre Bouvier and Underoath’s Aaron Gillespie, but they also went out of their way to include other artists such as emerging rapper Princess Nokia and Intervals’ guitarist Aaron Marshall. Now if that doesn’t deserve an award, we don’t know what does.

Back Off Pit Daddies Cause This Song Slaps Award

youtube

A Day To Remember - “Mindreader”

But there’s no breakdown! How am I supposed to mosh to this? Would you quit your whining? It’s pretty much impossible for A Day To Remember to write a bad song. And sorry to break it to you pit warriors, they definitely didn’t start with their newest track “Mindreader.

Best Album To Eventually Soundtrack The Next Matrix Movie

youtube

Code Orange - Underneath

Does this one really come as a surprise? Essentially creating their own genre of technology-influenced metalcore (computer core, maybe?), Code Orange’s Underneath is the perfect soundtrack to any type of action-packed, dark web-based, sci-fi thriller like The Matrix trilogy. Now would you like the red pill or the blue pill?

The Welcome Back, We Fuckin’ Missed You Award

youtube

The Ghost Inside - “Aftermath”

A world without new music from The Ghost Inside is a world we don’t want any part of. Thankfully, for the first time since their tragic bus crash back in 2015, the metalcore maestros have returned with the hard-hitting and incredibly emotional track “Aftermath” taken from their soon-to-be-released self-titled album. So for that, the least we could do is present the band with the Welcome Back, We Fuckin’ Missed You Award.

Honorable Mention: D.R.U.G.S (aka Craig Owens) - “King I Am”

Best Song To Listen To On Repeat And Realize You Successfully Killed Two And A Half Hours Of Your Quarantine

youtube

Loathe - “Screaming”

There is nothing made up about this whatsoever. We seriously thank Loathe for creating mind-altering music that transports you to a new dimension. “Screaming” is a gem and the band deserves to be awarded for it. Oh, and also, I Let It In And It Took Everything is an amazing record everyone needs to hear ASAP.

Best Album To Get Drunk And Talk About Your Feelings To

youtube

Violent Soho - Everything Is A-OK

We’re not sure exactly what it is about Australia’s Violent Soho but they always seem to bring the deepest and darkest emotions out of us. Their latest LP Everything Is A-OK is no different. From track one to track ten, the band’s first new album since 2016 is an emotional magnet attracting feeling after feeling leaving us desperate for a drinking buddy and a good cry.

The If It Ain’t Broke Don’t Fix It Award

youtube

August Burns Red - Guardians

August Burns Red has been a prominent staple of the heavy music scene for years. Since bursting out of Lancaster, PA with 2005′s Thrill Seeker, the two-time Grammy-nominated act has been a constant source of inspiration with their bruising, top-notch musicianship. Fifteen years later, with the release of their ninth studio album Guardians, the metalcore vets are still as heavy and hard-hitting as ever deserving of our If It Ain’t Broke Don’t Fix It Award.

Best Album To Eventually Soundtrack The Next Season Of Black Mirror

youtube

Enter Shikari - Nothing Is True & Everything Is Possible

Enter Shikari is easily one of the most unpredictable bands in our scene. One minute you think you have them and their eclectic sound pinned down, then the next they release their genre-shattering LP Nothing Is True & Everything Is Possible. With cinematic twists and turns from the rock-oriented opener “THE GREAT UNKNOWN” to the cosmic tornado that is “{ The Dreamer’s Hotel }” and circus-themed “Waltzing Off The Face Of The Earth,” Enter Shikari’s spellbinding LP is a perfect fit for something just as fascinating as the next season of Netflix’s Black Mirror.

Best Album To Get Your Medical Degree To

youtube

Vermicide Violence - The Praxis Of Prophylaxis

We understand it’s not easy to comprehend deathcore lyrics. However, if you’re in need of a good study buddy while you prepare for the boards, look no further than Jarrod Alonge’s new parody album The Praxis Of Prophylaxis. Covering high-end medical topics such as vaccines, gingivitis, asthma and more, Vermicide Violence’s new LP is sure to help a lot more than those Grey’s Anatomy re-runs.

The Tasmanian Devil Award

youtube

Rotting Out - Ronin

The Tasmanian Devil award is a highly coveted prize (possibly one of our most coveted) given to the album with hands down the most circle-pit-inducing tracks. While there have been some pretty good options this year, the record that stands out the most is Rotting Out’s first new album in over seven years, Ronin. Without going too far into detail -- because honestly, it’s pretty obvious why we picked this record -- if you’re able to stand still while listening to these fiery ass songs, you’re probably a cop.

Best Album To Get Drunk And Talk About Your Feelings To Part Two

youtube

Spanish Love Songs - Brave Faces, Everyone

Really? You’re gonna complain we used the same category twice in a made-up award show only created cause we’re stuck living fucking Groundhog Day over and over again? Instead, how about you put that same energy into enjoying Spanish Love Songs’ brilliant, tear-jerking album Brave Faces, Everyone. You won’t regret it.

Best Soundtrack To Fuel Your Hatred For The Government

youtube

Anti-Flag - 20/20 Vision

Regardless of if you’re really into politics or not, it’s practically impossible at this point to not swear at our so-called “leaders” up in Washington DC. So if you’re looking for the best album to fuel your hatred for the Head Cheeto In Charge and all his helpless minions, look no further than Anti-Flag’s powerful 20/20 Vision.

Honorable Mention: The Homeless Gospel Choir - This Land Is Your Landfill

The Album Most Likely To Get You Out Of Mosh Pit Retirement

youtube

Polaris - The Death Of Me

This record is the definition of “slaps.” From beginning to end, Polaris’ punishing new album The Death Of Me is a heavy-duty rollercoaster ride that will leave you with a melted off face and an endless desire to jump back in the pit and crack a few skulls.

Best Album To Rip A Phat Riff To

youtube

Hot Mulligan - You’ll Be Fine

Hot Mulligan are a bunch of jokesters but there’s nothing funny about their new album You’ll Be Fine -- alright, maybe a few of the song titles are a little silly. The band’s latest release is a guitarist’s delight with ringing mathcore-like riffs that will leave you both jubilant and jealous. Case in point, give the infectious opener “OG Bule Sky” a spin and get back to us.

Honestly, Fight Us, This Song Is A Bop Award

youtube

All Time Low feat Blackbear - “Monsters”

We know what some of you cool cats and kittens are thinking: But this isn’t pop-punk!? Since when does Blackbear get a scene pass? Listen up. No, this song isn’t “Dear Maria, Count Me In” but who cares? It’s 2020 and musical genres are dead. Enjoy the good music while you can before we’re all dead too, okay?

Honorable mention: PVRIS - “Deadweight”

Best Song To Steal Toilet Paper To

youtube

The Chats - “Drunk N Disorderly”

If you haven’t had the fear of potentially wiping your ass with a washcloth over the last few months, this award probably isn’t for you and your 30 extra rolls of toilet paper. However, for us regular folk who have a limited supply of TP, The Chats’ fast-paced High Risk Behavior track “Drunk N Disorderly” is the perfect song for stumbling into someone’s home and swiping a roll or two.

Wow We Didn’t See That Coming Award

youtube

Falling In Reverse - “The Drug In Me Is Reimagined”

Ronnie Radke has never been afraid to push boundaries musically. Whether it’s rapping on a track or dropping an upbeat, synth-laced single like “Bad Girls Club,” the former Escape The Fate frontman always seems to have something new up his sleeve. This year, to help celebrate 2011′s The Drug In Me Is You becoming gold-certified, Radke and Co. released an epic piano-lead version of their fan-favorite title track. The results? A majestic dream-like experience worth repeating over and over again.

If You Hurt Mother Earth One More Time We Swear You’re Dead Award

youtube

In Hearts Wake - “Worldwide Suicide”

There’s been a lot of talk about global warming over the past few years. Recently, while we’ve all been stuck at home, skies have become clearer than ever as wild animals roam the barren streets. This is a dream come true for earth-friendly metalcore act In Hearts Wake.

Now as some cities start to reopen, let us remind you: If you even think about going back to your wasteful, pollution-heavy ways, we and In Hearts Wake will come for you with the same force and brutality as heard on their newest track “Worldwide Suicide.” Watch your back.

Sure It’s Different But Still Kicks Ass Award

youtube

The Used - Heartwork

This isn’t The Used you knew in junior high. Bert McCrackin and Co. have returned with a fresh-faced 2020 LP that is sure to make you feel some type of way. Featuring guest appearances from members of Blink-182, FEVER 333 and Beartooth, The Used’s latest is a heavy-yet-dancy addition to their beloved-and-never-stale catalog.

Better Not Sleep On This Record Award

youtube

Charmer - Ivy

Look, you literally have nothing but time on your hands. Why not spend it discovering new music from bands who deserve your attention? Seriously, turn off Love Is Blind and Too Hot To Handle and give Charmer’s moody 11-track release Ivy a try. You can thank us later.

Honorable Mention: Big Loser - Love You, Barely Living

Holy Shit We Can’t Believe That Just Happened Award

youtube

Dance Gavin Dance - “Calentamiento Global”

Four words we’ve all been thinking since Dance Gavin Dance dropped their highly anticipated album Afterburner: Tilian can speak Spanish!?

Giving the entire Swancore community a jaw-dropping moment with their new experimental track “Calentamiento Global,” in the song, DGD’s brawny frontman shows a little latin flavor with lyrics like “Te adoro, mi reina. Eres la única que veo.” Unsurprisingly, like most Dance Gavin Dance (or should we say Baile Gavin Baile) experiments, the post-hardcore act totally nailed it.

The Back To Basics Award

youtube

The Amity Affliction - Everyone Loves You... Once You Leave Them

The Amity Affliction caught a lot of flack for their experimental 2018 release Misery. While entirely unwarranted as the metalcore vets were just looking to expand their sound, for their 2020 LP Everyone Loves You... Once You Leave Them, the Aussie outfit returned to form with their breakdown-heavy musicianship and brooding lyricism. Still have doubts? How about you give “All My Friends Are Dead” a spin or two.

Skankin’ Pickle Award

youtube

Skatune Network - Ska Goes Emo, Vol. 1

Here’s a fun one. Adding to the list of things we never thought we’d see in 2020, go ahead and add a ska record covering some of your emo favs like My Chemical Romance, Paramore and Blink-182. Already known for his creative covers, Skatune Network really outdid himself this time around with his Ska Goes Emo LP. Who would have guessed you could skank so well to “I’m Not Okay (I Promise)?”

The 2020 Glow-Up Award

youtube

The Word Alive - Monomania

The Word Alive has seen a lot of change over the course of their ten-year career. From 2010′s hard-hitting album Deceiver to this year’s impressive LP Monomania, the band has really grown into who they are today. For the first time, instead of putting out the music they’re expected to release, the Arizona act really stepped out of their comfort zone and dropped the music they wanted to make resulting in one of this year’s freshest and best so far.

Chocolate Covered Cranberries Award

youtube

Four Year Strong - Brain Games

For five long grueling years, we went without new music from easycore noisemakers Four Year Strong. This February, that all changed with the release of the band’s killer seventh studio album Brain Pain. Bringing the guitar-lead heaviness fans have come to love over the years along with their infectious pop-punk-leaning songwriting, Four Year Strong’s new record is the perfect balance of sour and sweet -- like chocolate covered cranberries! Who’s hungry?

19 notes · View notes