#but other aspects of their existence make them vulnerable to certain kinds of violence

[reunionandthen]

also last rb

#told myself id never discourse on my sm #but #to me she holds the position of a world leader outside like. the west #wherein they are granted influence via a powerful institution #but other aspects of their existence make them vulnerable to certain kinds of violence #i love when speculative fiction gets politically awkward /s #my go-to phrase on [redacted] is 'any other pope' #bc if she wasnt a manakete i would have little trouble taking potshots at her but they just rub me the wrong way #I SWEAR IM SELF AWARE!!! #what was intsys on #talk

[furiousgoldfish]

Trauma symptoms caused by childhood abuse

Early symptoms (childhood and teenage years):

Inability to show pain and vulnerability to others

deep belief that you ‘have to be tough’, secretly fearing that you’re weak and pathetic if you ever shed any tears or break down in pain

personality changes from outgoing and social, to isolated and quiet, trying not to be noticed

feeling like there’s something deeply wrong with you, deep belief that you’re some kind of monster who deserves to be punished

fear that if someone finds out about whats happening to you, they will blame you and hurt you worse

anxiety around adults, always being scared you’ll annoy someone and be hurt for it

very low attention to your needs and wants, feeling pride in neglecting your own well being, even neglecting your pain

belief that your value is tied to how much pain and mistreatment you can endure

urge to self harm, or outright hurting yourself

feeling like you want to disappear, or not be born at all, contemplating suicide

self hatred, feeling extremely negative about yourself and feeling like things would be better if you didn’t exist

spending phases of time being emotionless, feeling like a zombie and not caring about anything

foreshortened sense of future (belief that you wont live for much longer, inability to see your future or plan for it)

not feeling the consequences of events in the real time, or not at all; for instance, being completely unphased by a violent outburst or screaming, not feeling pain when you’re hurt, or not feeling the exhaustion when you’re clearly overworked

strong urge to not think about certain topics or events, or inability to do so

fear that your body is wrong and disgusting, anxiety about anyone seeing it but desperate need for validation that you’re normal

deep sense of shame in yourself, your actions and your appearance

strong investment in finding excuses for people who do bad things, always trying to see things from their angle and to forgive them

feeling like the blame for any bad thing in the world can be put on you

not feeling like a human being, belief that you’re less than human

feeling like your home is not here and you do not belong on this planet

feeling uncomfortable being touched and wanting people to back off

uncontrolled ourbursts of rage

looking for anything to soothe your pain or distract you, indulging with obsessions or drugs

early development of anxiety disorder, depression, insomnia, ocd

trying to regress your age and force yourself to stay younger than you are, because you feel like your value is dropping with age and nobody will care for you anymore

trying to desperately take control over some aspects of your life, which can result in overdoing or completely neglecting school, losing yourself in virtual life, eating disorders, self harm or magic thinking that enables you to believe you can control your circumstances

in case of a sexual trauma, innapropriate sexual behaviour, deep shame tied to your body, indulging in sexual interactions even before puberty, feeling like you’re meant to be used, violent or forceful sexual fantasies accompanied with shame, fear of touch, fear of anyone finding out, reaching out for pornographic material to put your experience into perspective

feeling desperate to appear normal and clinging very strongly to the perception that your childhood is normal

Later symtoms, can develop anytime after puberty, can be in 20s or 30s or even 50s:

Emotional

Flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, freezing up in terror, beyond average amounts of fear and dread

Trust issues, either trusting without suspicion even when you shouldn’t or trusting nobody and feeling completely alone in the world

Episodes of re-living traumatic events from childhood or later in life; emotional meltdowns

Being unable to leave the past and feeling frozen in the moments of trauma

Emotional flashbacks, feeling the events from past as if they’re happening now, except this time you feel it thousand times stronger and completely fall apart from the horror of it

Feeling unstable, ashamed for not being able to control your emotions, fear of being judged, mocked or humiliated for it, trying desperately to not feel it, using distractions or drugs

Self doubt, struggling to know what is real and what isn’t, doubting your memories and emotions, trying to only feel what you believe is obliged from you

Questioning the past over and over again, trying to find sense and who to blame

Trying desperately to put your relationship with your abuser(s) into perspective, feeling both guilt and obligation towards them, but also rage and desire to take over control from them

Self harm, self-destructive behaviour, suicidal behaviour, wanting to die to end the pain

Deep and overwhelming grief over loss of childhood and loss of trust in people you believed wouldn’t hurt you, or believed they were doing it for your good, which now proved not to be true

Depression, loss of joy in anything you used to like doing, loss of optimism in life

Losing the courage to try anything, regardless of how much it would benefit you, if there’s even a slight chance of getting hurt in a way you find impossible to endure, living passively

Feeling irreparably damaged and ruined

Getting lost in maladaptive daydreaming, fiction, or the virtual world, feeling unable to face reality, falling to obsessions or addictions to endure the pain

Feeling other people’s feelings as if they’re your own, especially feelings of pain, anxiety, fear, nervousness, anger or grief; trying to soothe them and especially having strong reactions to anger

Feeling overwhelmed whenever around people, feeling the urge to self-isolate and to be completely alone

Being hit with extreme amounts of rage and struggling to process it; worrying about misdirecting the rage or acting on it, violent fantasies

Getting stuck in a mindset of a child and barely able, or unable to do any grown-up tasks

Struggling to achieve even minimum function, or not functioning at all

Losing the will or the energy to participate in any activities you used to enjoy

Fighting or indulging the urge to normalize what happened or make it ‘not that bad’, trying to re-live it in a way that wouldn’t be traumatic, especally with sexual trauma, needing to perceive it as if it would be normal only if it was ‘consensual’ or more controlled and trying to find a way to frame it as ‘not that big of a deal’ and denying it’s hurting you

Beating yourself up horribly for still being upset and traumatized by events that happened long ago

Inability to have friends or form connections with others, high alert for betrayal and manipulation

Avoding places and people connected to the trauma, getting easily triggered and forced to re-live something that needs recovery time of days or weeks

Losing your sense of reality; not being sure where you are or what year is it for some periods of time, feeling like you’re going crazy

Only being able to focus on surviving a short amount of time (just trying to get thru the day or week)

Physical

Extreme anxety; trembling, spending prolonged amount of time tense and expecting danger and pain at every second, inability to calm down, limbs not working properly, fainting out of fear

Continually activated “fight or flight” response, always feeling endangered, trouble digesting food because your body shuts down your digestion in order for you to be able to escape faster, vomiting, stomach pains after eating

Hyperventilation, problems with breathing, feeling there’s “no air” in small or crowded spaces

Chronic exhaustion, feeling heavy weight over your body, having difficulty moving at all

Chronic pain, tension in your body never leaving, physical pain appearing when you’re experiencing emotional pain, chest pain, heart palpitations

Problems with blood pressure, fainting easily

Dissociation (feeling detached from your emotions and/or body, feeling numb and unreal, your body not feeling yours, feeling outside your body or like you’re stuck in someone else’s body)

Memory issues, not being able to remember whole parts of your life, weak short term memory, not being able to look back on your life in linear way or put the events in they order they happened in, mixing several events into one, remembering feelings but not events

Increased sensitivity to noise, getting very upset at any non recognizable sound, reacting with irritability or rage to background noises, or with terror at loud noises; needing complete silence, or constant soothing background noise

Extreme sensitivity to stress, having to block out stressful things from memory, having physical reactions to stress, like shaking, your hair falling out, feeling incapable of dealing with even minimally stressful tasks

Dry mouth in the night, overheating during the nightmares, getting so distressed after sleep you can’t move from the bed for hours, not calming down for days

Not being able to control your body, falling down and shaking uncontrollably, even trashing around as your body processes violence done to it

Not being able to relax or calm down without experiencing physical pain, feeling addicted to abuse and indulging in self harm, or letting someone else hurt you so that you might gain a moment of not feeling tense, stressed and scared

Feeling sensations of pain or discomfort on your body even when nothing is happening to it, especially the body parts that have been violated in some way; in case of sexual trauma it would mean private parts, in case of overworking yourself or break yourself with effort, pain in all muscles and joints

In case of sexual trauma, reoccurring memories of it, trouble figuring out your sexuality, wanting to escape your body or perceiving it in a distorted way, urge to repeat the trauma to get desensitized to it, hypersexual behaviour or complete lack of interest in sexuality

Weight gain or loss, hatred of your body and desire to change or hurt it, or complete neglect over body, lack of any self care of even acknowledging you need it

Difficulty sleeping or being awake, feeling too high alert to fall asleep or dropping out of consciousness from overexhaustion

Inability to focus or finish tasks, procrastinating or feeling sick just knowing there is a task you have to do.

 If you struggle(d) with 5 or more of early ones, or 5 or more of later ones, you’ve been dealing with trauma.

#trauma #child abuse #cptsd #emotional flashbacks #complex ptsd #abuse #abusive childhood #traumatic childhood #checklist #trauma symptoms #long term abuse

[edwardelricsrightarm]

"A lesson without pain is meaningless. For you cannot gain anything without sacrificing something else in return, but once you have overcome it and made it your own...you will gain an irreplaceable fullmetal heart." - Edward Elric

In honor of disability month and the FMA 20 year anniversary I wanted to address some Thoughts™️ about the series.

It's not often you see a disabled protagonist in media where their disability is integral to the story without taking up their entire character, even more so with anime. Yet, Fullmetal Alchemist has not just one disabled Protagonist, but two. The Elric Brothers are an exemplary representation of disability in media that I find myself reflecting on often as a disabled person myself. If you haven't completed the manga or Brotherhood, skip this as it will be brimming with spoilers.

(Mangahood will be my point of reference because while 03 is good on its own merits it's not as fresh within my immediate memory, and I am far less familiar with it. Keep this in mind, I've watched FMAB 10 and a half times whereas I've finished 03 only once years ago.)

The story highlights their disabilities immediately, Edward being a double amputee and Alphonse being without his ENTIRE body, only having the senses of proprioception, sight, and hearing left. Yet, despite this being key to the story and an integral part of their characterization, it is only one facet of their motivations and doesn't take center in the narrative, which is refreshing. It's not inherently negative to make a narrative centered on the characters' disabilities, but often this model of a story goes very wrong very fast and starts to feel hollow (no pun intended). FMA avoids this by making their disabilities a clear part of the plot and their motivations without allowing it to consume the entire story, so the Elric Brothers don't suffer the "my disability is all of my character" problem that many disabled characters are relegated to in a vast portion of media, all while being strong and competent.

Recap:

The brothers wished to revive their mother, but their good intentions cannot change the atrocity of their mistake, Truth makes this abundantly clear from the start. Edward loses his leg first, a punishment for "stepping" into God's shoes and transgressing the place of humans in their world. Alphonse loses his entire body, unable to feel any warmth or simple comforts like food and rest, when all he wanted was to feel the warmth and comfort of his mother's embrace again. At first, Alphonse's entire being is consumed by the gate, but Edward acts immediately, refusing to lose his little brother and refusing to allow his arrogance in this plan to cause his brother's death for only following his lead. Edward gives his right arm to have the gate give back Alphonse's soul, and stated clearly in his panic that he'd give his entire self to save Alphonse if that's what it would take, but Truth took his dominant arm only, showing something akin to mercy, although the character of Truth is capriciously strict and hard to describe as "merciful".

Through giving up his right arm, Edward regains his Right Hand Man, his little brother and best friend. His only remaining family, who he feels responsible for protecting in the absence of their parents. He felt immediately that he'd made a grave mistake, instantly full of regret as he realized the gate had taken his brother. In that moment he was willing to give anything to take it back and undo the suffering his arrogance caused his brother, yet Alphonse was still to suffer more to come. Ed tied Alphonse's disembodied soul to one of Hohenheim's collected suits of armor, managing to at least keep his brother alive in some way. One could say that Alphonse's punishment functioned as a secondary punishment for Edward, showing him how easily his hubris could have cost him what he has left in his obsession with regaining what they'd lost, their mother. A very clear symbolic reminder of the weight of his actions and how he'd misled his brother in his own naive ignorance. Even in giving another limb away to drag his brother's soul back out of the gate, he couldn't offer enough to bring him back intact. Thus is the law of equivalent exchange.

Now that we've reviewed some of that basic symbolism and the motifs the story draws upon with limbs and body parts in relation to characters, let's move on to each individual brother and break it down, shall we?

Edward Elric is a very realistic protagonist, this is one thing a majority of us familiar with this series can agree upon. He feels like a believable teen boy, with layers of complexity to his character while also showing arrogance and immaturity that is unsurprising at his age. He expresses unwillingness to kill and avoidance of unjust violence from the beginning, and has a strong moral code after the ordeal of committing the taboo.

In some characters his cocky personality would typically become grating, yet the story explains in itself why he is this way, then builds upon this to develop him into an incredibly mature character who is willing to admit when he's absolutely wrong and adapts to new information and context for the crisis unfolding around him as it comes, even if he remains crass. This arrogance is shown from the start to be a manifestation of insecurity, self loathing, and repressed guilt. Edward is a logic driven person, he has a very unique thought process, which is where my interpretation of him as autistic comes in. Edward's awkward social demeanor, somewhat abrasive and cold approach to some, and his trouble coping with nonsensical societal structures all stand out in this way. Furthermore he clearly shows hyperfixation, hyperactivity, special interest, and infodumping behaviors that are all too familiar. He's picky with food (*cough* the milk thing), has very little filter and speaks his mind bluntly even if this can warrant conflicting responses, yet at the same time struggles with vulnerable emotions, and he is frustrated when his own routine or itinerary are interrupted by forces beyond his control. All of these things Scream autism with comorbid ADHD. Many traits are shared between the brothers, and I'm quite certain they're both on the autism spectrum based on behavioral patterns. Neurodivergence aside, Edward's physical disabilities are undeniable.

Despite his bratty persona, Edward is fundamentally kind and uncharacteristically gentle and soft around the edges for a shonen protagonist in many ways. He cries openly on many occasions even if he struggles talking about his trauma and burdens in words at times, he feels pain, grief, and compassion so intensely it throws him into action on a regular basis in the narrative. In this way he's also a fantastic example of non-toxic masculinity (though in other ways he has displayed more toxic traits, he's just a kid). He acts on his heart, even if he's led by his mind and logic in most things. His humanity, value for life, and care for others will always win over his logic, and he shows a sense of personal responsibility for doing the right thing even if it harms him in the process. Ed is clearly shown having ghost pains in his lost limbs which is honestly an interesting detail to include, I don't think I've ever seen that aspect of amputation shown in media aside from FMA. It's also shown that when Ed's automail arm breaks this is a HUGE problem for him, but he's also shown to be very good at working around this in difficult circumstances. He doesn't become completely helpless, even if majorly weakened.

Alphonse is an extremely lovable and compassionate boy, brimming with altruism and care for others. Even in his noncorporeal state he pursues a better future and he's not helpless by any stretch. Edward clearly states Alphonse is the superior fighter for example, and it's not just because of his armor body being so large. He's *talented*, that's a fact. Al is every bit as clever and capable as Ed, moreso in some ways, and I love that about his character *because* he's so clearly disabled. He has no sense of pain, he is completely incapable of sleeping, he can't eat, can't relax or find comfort, he can only exist and think. This causes him to overthink in all his time alone, this is debilitating. He clearly is absolutely sick of the loneliness this causes, and he often feels helpless though he's not. He has doubts and fears that consume him in relation to his armor body, he questions his own personhood, even. Yet, Edward is stubborn and staunch in affirming that no matter what he's dealing with, he is fundamentally still a human being that is loved and irreplaceable. Alphonse is powerful and his body gives him some advantages, but it also sets him back, and the brothers know this even when others claim Alphonse's state is somehow a good thing. I have hEDS, a disability that comes with advantages as well as the major downsides, so I can understand and relate to Alphonse here. I too am told my disability is a boon because of flexibility and because I'm less likely to fracture bones, but I'm twice as likely to injure my ligaments and joints, which people ignore.

The brothers are both disabled, both flawed, both show weaknesses, but they are competent, determined, and strong in their own right. They are rounded characters that exist for more than to be pitied or condescended to by able bodied characters around them. They put their entire being in everything that they do no matter what that is, and they don't know the meaning of giving up. These traits that they're made of truly make them a shining example of disability in protagonists for others to look to for reference when writing their own disabled characters.

Even though by the end Edward has regained one limb and Al has regained his body, this also doesn't just deus ex machina reverse their disability or make it go away. It's clear that Alphonse's body is weak and has to be rehabilitated upon recovery, and Edward is still missing his leg and bears the scars and pieces of the port from his automail arm. They weren't suddenly made able bodied upon recovering these things, they reclaimed what was lost through struggle and grit, but the narrative didn't give the impression that their disability in itself was something to be fixed, which is important. They wanted to recover their bodies, but this doesn't erase the effects of their disability.

It was about Edward atoning for leading Alphonse into their mistake and saving his brother from suffering further, it was about them proving they can keep moving forward no matter what, not about getting rid of their disability in itself or putting themselves down because of the disabilities. This, to me, as a mentally and physically disabled viewer, is so important. They achieve their goal, but this doesn't in any way erase or undo the effects of their initial losses, they find ways to adapt and move on but they're still affected and still disabled. They always will be. That can be so important to see in comfort characters, and as a disabled individual who's had both brothers as comfort characters since I was a child, their impact on my own journey is surprisingly tangible for fiction.

#fmab #fullmetal alchemist brotherhood #fma #edward elric #alphonse elric #elric brothers #character analysis #disability month #disability positivity #disabled #fma 20th anniversary

[gayregis]

Honestly if you just wanted to revisit your thoughts on Eternal Flame and its homiesexual text/subtext, I would be delighted. I love that short story and I love hearing your thoughts on the stories aodnsjsjabsjx

fghjkl i just think it was a story very centered on geralt and dandelion’s friendship and it did so in a manner which exceeded the sort of generally accepted norms of “friendship” and went into “being gay for your best friend”

i mean the story literally begins by them both being dumped by their girlfriends, but not too upset about their relationship drama because they have each other for company now. they plan to spend the day and night together, and throughout the story they have the general geralt and dandelion friendship interactions - trying to get some food and drink, joking around, dandelion being overly dramatic or preoccupied with sex and geralt being mopey and unamused. when things go wrong and there is conflict in the story, they of course still are spending the day together and thinking of a way to deal with the problem. overall, the story is a look into day-to-day life of when geralt and dandelion run into each other and hang out.

another thing of note is how dandelion hypes geralt up during when they meet tellico-in-biberveldt’s-form, calling him the terror of strigas and werewolves and all, which is a nice and awarding description for a man whose job it was to kill some shit in a sewer last chapter. of course, it’s dandelion (overdramatic and flowery with language), and they’re close friends, so of course he is going to describe geralt as thus, but it’s a reminder of how positively dandelion views geralt and how he both doesn’t see him as repugnant for being a witcher (as is the case with many geralt encounters) and isn’t ashamed to have a witcher as his best friend (as would be the case with many others, who treat witchers like bad omens), and also since it’s dandelion, it’s telling that he doesn’t let his own arrogance get in the way of lauding his friend with his proud titles and descriptions. although dandelion is self-loving, he is not so overwhelmingly so that he would ever refuse to acknowledge or downplay geralt’s presence.

another thing is how, when geralt, dandelion, and biberveldt are visited by chapelle and the men of the eternal fire, dandelion begs geralt to not start a fight with them because it will end in disaster, and geralt refuses to promise him that, and when chapelle speaks to him, he is internally very aggressive and alert, very displeased. of course, he is geralt, he doesn’t love authority and he dislikes the eternal flame for their persecution of nonhumans... but the aggression he feels towards chapelle reminds me of the aggression he felt towards toruviel in edge of the world when she broke dandelion’s lute, or in season of storms when dandelion has a knife to his throat, it’s only when dandelion is afraid or hurt that geralt really gets aggressive.

but the climax of the story is geralt literally being inable to enact violence towards tellico for the compounded reasons of “i value innocent life too much” and “the embodiment of this value of life is my best friend” ... 

the fact that geralt is pretty aggressive still towards tellico when he turns into him, but once tellico turns into dandelion geralt just... stops fighting and completely rules out any physical harm from the equation. he practically “gives up” the fight, it’s like tellico changing into dandelion was all geralt needed in order to be persuaded, because it’s the only form that he would listen to. after tellico switches forms to that of dandelion, geralt listens to him, and he also is not described as making any sudden movements, he doesn’t think as if he’s in a fight anymore, the narration is not that of a “fight scene” - something i recognize from when geralt is in a fight is that the prose switches to a certain point of view of his where his actions and options are narrated (e.g., in a grain of truth when he fights vereena, the sword of destiny where he fights the dryad scalpers). he instead hears tellico’s every word out, and “reluctantly nods,” and “says nothing.” he’s practically frozen compared to what he was prepared for just a moment ago when tellico took his form, when he threatened to carry him out of the city in a handcart.

and what makes it even more suggestive is that this wasn’t a random guess from tellico that “maybe if i take dandelion’s form he’ll lay off because they’re friends!” ... no, this was strategy that he came up with from literally taking geralt’s form and reading his mind - “i took over your thoughts, only briefly, but it was sufficient, do you know what i’m going to do now?” - tellico, after being in geralt’s form, immediately makes the decision to change forms into that of dandelion, because he knew geralt’s mind while he was in his form. that means that tellico read geralt’s thoughts only briefly but from this inside view of geralt’s mind, knowing what his greatest fears, loves, dreams, hopes, passions, regrets, etc. are... he thought it would save his life to change into dandelion, because he knew from geralt’s mind that geralt would listen to him in that form.

additionally, after this occurs, geralt... doesn’t tell dandelion in the falling action of the story. he had the chance to, when dandelion drew near, he might have smirked and said something like “don’t look too closely at his boots” (tellico-in-dandelion’s-form’s cordovan boots were sticking out of the carpet that geralt rolled him up in, so dandelion could have recognized them if he paid attention, since he seems to be so caring about his footwear as in the beginning chapter)... this raises the question why geralt wouldn’t tell him about what happened, why he wouldn’t communicate to dandelion about this, maybe warning him that tellico could change into him in an effort to evoke sympathy, or to break it to dandelion that his famous persona had been stolen for a little while. dandelion literally jokes and asks geralt why vespula was so surprised to see him, asking what was wrong with her (vespula was frightened because she smacked tellico-in-dandelion’s-form with the copper pan, but then saw dandelion coming down the road... double vision). geralt could have easily explained to him then, he had the perfect opportunity to say, “oh, dudu changed into your form and so vespula was scared for she saw two of you, [insert biting sarcastic comment here about how one dandelion is certainly enough, and how he would be scared seeing two of dandelion as well].” ... but geralt doesn’t tell him, and that makes me think that tellico taking dandelion’s form was a moment of emotional vulnerability for him, something that geralt doesn’t want to share or joke about, something that was uncomfortable for him. that makes me ask the question how geralt emotionally took that confrontation in the alleyway, what he felt about his own actions (or rather, inaction), and why he might be reluctant to share about that.

i think there is also this tension of the myth of the doppler being about the physical world, changes to a physical form, a form which is tangible and real. it’s not only that tellico evoked the image of dandelion, but that he was him - and the narration from geralt’s point of view seems to... lurk on a lot of not only physical characteristics that he noticed, but mannerisms and behavior that he knew instinctively as being those of dandelion. he describes his curly hair, his smile, his laugh ... the focus on physicality, body, face, and how one exists in the physical world, intimate details like those described just seem very out of place for someone who you’d only consider a best friend, a platonic relationship. one could argue that this is just standard narration for describing the changing of a form for a doppler, but the same style of narration was not given when dudu changed into biberveldt, or when he changed into geralt. additionally, things like smile, laugh, song, and style of flirting are very close and positive details, and other more “neutral” aspects like height and weight and clothes could have been described instead. this suggests that the most striking elements about dandelion to geralt are his curly hair, his insolent smile, his rippling laugh, his blue eyes, his song, and his flirting ... which are ... intimate to say the least

and of course the story ends with them going to a brothel! which continues these themes (two themes which dandelion always invites) of the comedic and the physical. what’s also striking to me is that at the very end of the story, dandelion asks geralt if he’s coming along or what, and geralt smiles to him and says he will join him with pleasure. geralt smiling is honestly a rare event (though it does happen, in dandelion’s character debut in the voice of reason he smiles at him), so i think it’s something to pay attention to. additionally, the line translated in the UK edition is “right, very satisfactory. geralt, are you coming?” and “i’ll come with pleasure,” which focuses on the words ‘satisfactory’ and ‘pleasure’ which are also words i wouldn’t relegate to being solely platonic.

additionally, this might be a bad take but i’m going to say it anyways because i’m gay so i can say what i want regarding lgbt themes ig: the ending of the story is that chapelle is actually a doppler who has taken chapelle’s form, since the real chapelle has died. tellico beseeches geralt, in dandelion’s form, to let him live and live amongst the people of novigrad, because he’s tired of being dehumanized and persecuted, and just wants to live in peace. there is a theme surrounding the dopplers as they are shapeshifters and chameleons, having to change who they are in order to blend in with the rest of society. again, this might be a bad take, but this kind of strikes me as an analogy for being lgbt, because when you are lgbt in a homo/transphobic society, you have to hide who you are and adapt your outward appearance into something that others will accept, and you are persecuted even though you are harmless and don’t mean to cause anyone trouble. of course, this could be a wider analogy about persecution and being marginalized in general (cultural assimilation, anyone?) and compring any marginalized people to nonhumans sucks (wouldn’t be the first or only time sapkowski went there, though), but ig as a gay person i found myself relating to the plight of the dopplers. the ending message of the story is also positive, something like there is hope and life in the world despite hatred (re: tellico’s ending to dandelion’s ballad) and the dopplers, the persecuted ones, are actually everywhere in society despite appearances that they’re not (not the best execution because you know figures of authority suck but whatever)

TLDR eternal flame is a little fruity to me because

geralt and dandelion want to be in each other’s company (as always)

geralt and dandelion’s relationship is again characterized by ability to be casual and comfortable in each other’s presence, working together through difficulty and conflict, and standing up for one another/being proud on the other’s behalf

tellico strategically takes dandelion’s form to evoke kindness and respect in geralt, and it works completely

geralt’s pov focuses on dandelion’s intimate physical and behavioral traits

geralt smiles and tells dandelion “i’ll come with pleasure”

vague lgbt themes about the dopplers

#ask #eternal flame #gerlion #geralt #dandelion #dudu #anon

[xoruffitup]

Sexuality In Neon Genesis Evangelion: Adolescence & Violence

(I’m literally 20 years late to the party here, but if anyone still cares for NGE metas, this hasn’t left me alone...!)

It takes only a few episodes into NGE to sense there’s some form of unrest beneath its surface. A palpable sense of unease and malcontent shadows the characters, seeping into the bleak cityscapes and following Shinji’s listless drift from one battle to the next - creating the unrelenting sense that this show has no intention to coddle or comfort you. Much will not be explained, or even directly addressed. Most of that unease you’re feeling as a viewer will be left for you yourself to decipher – probably in a manner uncomfortably and bracingly personal. I would call this a mark of artistry, in that the viewing experience becomes something deeply intimate and unique from person to person.

The obvious narrative explanation for all this dark ambiguity is the evocation of Shinji’s troubled psychological state. He mopes in his dark bedroom, rides the train alone with his headphones in and no destination, and accepts the role of Eva pilot only when his refusal would make him feel yet more despised. He is utterly directionless and thus helpless – caught in a paralysis between his pathological need for external affirmation and his crippling fear of being hurt. He craves kindness and care from others, but is both unwilling and unable to forge such positive connections with others because he presupposes doing so will cause pain. Therefore, he makes few self-motivated choices and rebukes all notion of the driven, intentional protagonist. 

Shinji’s rejection of the traditional mantle of the hero’s journey, and his repeated regression into unassertive self-hatred also signals an unorthodox approach to storytelling - where the narrative flows around the inhibited, apathetic characters rather than through them. We as the viewers do not become invested in the narrative progression as an extension of Shinji’s own investment. Rather, a central part of the narrative becomes the self-aware exploration of its own impact upon Shinji and the wider cast of characters. Shinji, Rei, Asuka, and to a certain degree Misato and Ritsuko, do not determine the narrative direction through their own choices and thereby set events in motion; they are instead passive, reactionary presences drawn along by the provocations of seemingly inevitable series of events. (Angels attack – characters respond; Gendo or Seele give some unexplained order – characters react; Instrumentality begins – Shinji reacts)

As the curtain is finally drawn back from the human instrumentality project in the show’s final act, we realize Shinji was not simply whiny or poorly-written: His constant struggle between the fear of pain and need for intimacy is in fact the defining tension of the show as a whole. The “Hedgehog’s Dilemma.” This dilemma saturates each character’s personal trauma, fears, and desires, and finally elevates the characters’ internal reckoning in the face of instrumentality to create the show’s climax.

The show’s indirect yet masterful depiction of Shinji’s depression and undefined malaise is, in fact, keenly intentional and central to the story’s purpose. In a show defined by endlessly rich even if agonizing ambiguities and a narrative style that reveals itself only in subtlety, no minor detail is inconsequential. And so, I repeatedly found myself trying to discern the purpose of a recurring element that could be neither accidental nor innocuous. I am referring now to the show’s consistent and blatant preoccupation with the sexualization of its (female) characters and the infusion of sexuality into inter-character relationships. 

The sexualizing and/or objectifying gaze is applied far too often to be anything but an intentional layer generating narrative meaning. In a show that elegantly weaves together psychological, religious, ethical, and technological allusions to construct a cutting inspection of the human psyche, this preoccupation is not a mere trope or “fanservice.” The recurrent reference to characters’ sexuality and their depiction as sexual objects cannot be a neutral or peripheral element of narrative meaning. Beyond the impossibility of this element being unintentional or divorced from the show’s narrative purpose, we are also obliged to make ourselves aware of the gendered lens through which this depiction of sexuality is filtered, and the power balance or imbalance this depiction enforces upon the characters involved. Consistent nudity to the point of fetishism and sexual inferences to the point of defining character cease to be superficial and become something pernicious.

Below, I will explore two different frameworks through which to interpret the show’s sexual overtones. The first framework – adolescence and the fear of adulthood – aligns with my initial response to the anime, while the second framework – sexual violence –reflects my more troubled response to the End of Evangelion film. 

Framework 1: Shinji’s Adolescent Fears of Adulthood and Intimacy

Lest we forget, Shinji is only the tender age of 14. His internal struggle with self-worth and identity is exacerbated by its intersection with puberty and Shinji’s fraught understanding of his own budding sexuality. Shinji’s characterization of being highly dependent on the guidance and praise of his elders highlights both his adolescence and his own inability to confront his growth to adulthood. His unwillingness to navigate the perils of adulthood (as well as its corresponding sexual relationships) is probably evoked most clearly in his Episode 18 conversation with Kaji. After Kaji opines on men and women’s inability to understand each other – let alone themselves – Shinji merely replies dismissively, “I don’t understand adults at all.”

Given his 14-year-old perception of adulthood as something impenetrably mystical, it follows that his own budding sexuality acts as both a source of anxiety and a central aspect of his journey through adolescence. The often discussed parallels between Shinji’s relationship with Asuka and Misato’s relationship with Kaji further cements sex as something firmly belonging to adulthood; just as Asuka’s eagerness to present herself as sexually mature reflects her desire to appear independent and “grown.”

Coming to terms with one’s sexuality is of course a commonplace metaphor for the development from adolescence to adulthood. However, the characters’ understanding and comfort with their own sexualities also plays a key role in their internal reckonings and decisions which occur within instrumentality. 

During his moments of metaphysical introspection, Shinji’s confrontation with his deepest fears repeatedly presents itself in the form of sexual temptation. We see him translate this need for external validation into unconscious sexualization and desire for the women around him.  While fused with Unit 1 in Episode 20, Shinji is questioned by imagined specters of Misato, Rei, and Asuka. He reaches his breaking point when, after admitting he only pilots the Eva in hope of earning others’ praise, he cries out for someone to take care of him. After pleading, “someone be kind to me,” all three women appear to him naked, asking repeatedly, “Don’t you want to become one with me? In body and in soul?” In this imagined ordeal of self-examination, Shinji’s deepest, most fundamental need for approval and warmth from others is coded into the prospect of understanding and intimacy associated with sex. At a subconscious level, he perceives the offering of sexual union as the highest form of acceptance. Shinji therefore feels varying degrees of conflicted, guilt-ridden desire for the women around him, in the most primal form of his craving for acceptance. 

In this scene, the offering of sexual intercourse is also a direct foreshadowing to the prospect of union with all during instrumentality, and either the acceptance or rejection of that union. In End of Evangelion, Shinji’s crucial choice during instrumentality is again presented in the same terms: Asuka, Rei, and Misato’s voices all asking “Do you want to become one with me, body and soul?” Shinji’s mix of attraction and repellence (for he fears intimacy as intensely as he craves it) when confronting this question indirectly depicts his struggle to decide between a solitary but self-defined existence, and the sacrifice of his autonomous self to total union. Thus, Shinji’s repressed desire for sexual intimacy becomes in and of itself a key facet of both his decision to ultimately reject instrumentality, and his conclusive creation of an independent and capable identity.

In line with my earlier reference to Asuka’s desire to appear sexually mature, the anime consistently uses sexuality as a means of revealing character - often probing at characters’ deepest vulnerabilities. Misato is likely the most direct example. It is through her sexual relationship with Kaji that she confronts her conflicted feelings towards her father and their profound impact on her. During instrumentality, she also admits she enjoys sex as an escape mechanism from pain and a way to prove she’s alive. She seems to perceive sex in the opposite perspective from Shinji – who on some level finds it threatening. This could be attributed firstly to Misato’s maturity in age and correlating comfort with her own sexuality. Secondly, this speaks to the show’s use of sexuality to build character in ways beyond Shinji’s troubled adolescent shame. The show’s focus on its characters’ sexuality can therefore be viewed as a means of prying into the inner conflicts they each seek to hide from the world. Note it is also through the reveal of Ritsuko’s sexual involvement with Gendo that we understand the reasons for her troubled relationship with her mother, her dedication to NERV, and her knowledge of its secrets.

Though sexuality is used as a sometimes literal, sometimes symbolic, but often effective vehicle to portray abstract concepts and internal, non-physical conflicts, this does not fully explain or justify the show’s gratuitous use of the male gaze. Though the depiction of sexuality often serves the purpose of character development, this depiction is exceedingly gendered. Though Shinji is shown naked, his nudity serves comedic effect (when he runs out from the bathroom in Misato’s apartment in Episode 2) or appears highly stylized (embracing Rei’s equally naked form in End of Evangelion). By contrast, Rei and Asuka’s bodies practically serve as set pieces. The pilot suits and contrived “camera” angles incessantly present their bodies as aesthetic objects for consumption. 

Furthermore, early appearances by both female characters immediately define them as objects of sexual focus. The first time she appears, Asuka tells off Toji for looking up her skirt; Shinji ends up sprawled on top of Rei when she’s naked while first trying to get to know her in Episode 5. If we apply the interpretive framework of sexuality as a means of navigating adolescence, then it is exclusively Shinji’s journey towards adulthood with which the show shares its perspective and identification. It would therefore follow that Rei and Asuka serve merely as signposts or attractive obstacles along the path of Shinji’s development. Their bodies are exploited as tools through which to challenge and probe at Shinji’s psyche. While Shinji’s sexuality bestows him personhood and agency, Asuka and Rei’s often seem to do the opposite – instead reducing them to only the means towards Shinji’s end. Yet, even the justification that Rei and Asuka’s objectification may serve Shinji’s character development falls short, given that the girls are still depicted in a lewd and hyper-sexualized lens even when there’s nobody but us, the viewers, around to witness. 

Using sexuality as a key vehicle to convey the male protagonist’s psychology creates an inherently gendered narrative – one in which a male protagonist acts out his conflict upon female bodies. This uneven and highly exploitative depiction warps what might have been an adolescent journey of self-discovery and growth into something far less constructive and much more unsettling.

Framework 2: Pervasive References to Sexual Violence

As I argued previously, Shinji’s repressed and conflicted sexuality can be viewed as a mirror of his character-defining struggle between the desire for love and the fear of pain. In this case, Shinji’s exploration and acceptance of his own sexuality becomes in and of itself a central element of his character development and, by extension, the show’s narrative resolution as a whole, given that the outcome of instrumentality rests on Shinji’s shoulders alone. It then becomes crucial that Shinji actualize his latent desire for sexual intimacy and ultimately master his own sexuality – as the chief expression of his internal development towards accepting his relationships with others and the co-dependent process of creating his own identity, self-worth, and reality.

In the abstract, this idea seems relatively healthy. However, the “Don’t you want to become one with me?” scenes and essentially all of End of Evangelion left me with a distinctly uncomfortable impression that couldn’t have been more different from that of a guileless adolescent navigating puberty. Seeing the “Don’t you want to become one with me?” question repeated to Shinji in the End of Evangelion context made me circle around one key question: Why is this imagined physical offering by the women in Shinji’s life presented as temptation? Why does the timing of this sequence reappear while Shinji is experiencing instrumentality? Or rather, why is the experience of instrumentality itself presented with the air of sexual temptation or seduction? This all culminates into the depiction of sexual desire for the female body as something needing to be tamed or conquered – given that it is only through Shinji’s repudiation of these offerings that he ultimately also rejects instrumentality. This supposition implies an adversarial relationship between Shinji and the object(s) of his sexual desire. This implicit hostility paints sexuality now as a struggle for control and/or dominance, rather than a source of self-discovery and growth. 

I’ll note now that most of the observations and criticisms explored in this section speak almost exclusively to End of Evangelion. In my view, this implied hostility embedded into the exploration of sexuality is much more present in the film, whereas the show largely maintains sexuality as a means of fumbling adolescent growth and complex characterization. To frame what might be seen as an extreme interpretation, I’ll begin my closer reading of End of Evangelion with this Catharine MacKinnon quote:

“Once the veil is lifted, once relations between the sexes are seen as power relations, it becomes impossible to see as simply unintented, well-intentioned, or innocent the actions through which women are told every day what is expected and when they have crossed some line.”

The crucial dynamic supporting this darker interpretive framework – a dynamic much more palpable in End of Evangelion – is power relations. Referring back to my previous point wherein the persistent objectification of Asuka and Rei undermines their personhood to the same degree that it enhances Shinji’s – End of Evangelion takes this imbalance still further. Rei and Asuka’s sexualization not only serves Shinji’s development, but becomes the main stage upon which Shinji’s fight for self-determination plays out. This is to say that Shinji’s actions and key elements of the film’s narrative as a whole are acted out upon women’s bodies as both battleground and symbol. End of Evangelion resorts to a mode of storytelling that is explicitly gendered, portraying its conflict through a starkly male lens. Through the film’s imagery, brutality, and indulgence in the explicit, Shinji’s narrative is acted out through the depiction of women’s bodies as objects either with destructive power or being destroyed themselves; and as threats which much be conquered.

The Shinji we see in End of Evangelion experiences highs and lows far more extreme than his anime counterpart. EoE Shinji is shockingly depraved, powerless, and violent – in that order. His experiences in relation to the navigation of his sexuality take on a tone of violence and aggression. If he cannot act out his sexual impulses – if he cannot subdue the tormenting yet desired female body to the point that satisfies his desires (even if not always sexual in nature) – he resorts to violence to assert his will. During the kitchen scene within instrumentality, it is at the point when Asuka coldly rebuffs his pleading for her help that he first strangles her. Thinking back to the above quote re power relations – is this the “line” beyond accepted behavior where Asuka becomes deserving of male violence?

Violence takes many forms – all of them an embodiment of power relations. Yes, Shinji masturbating over Asuka’s stripped, unconscious form in the first scene is unequivocally an act of violence. No matter how “fucked up” and past sense Shinji may have been in that moment, he is still a man demeaning a woman and taking pleasure from the act – her inability to consent and even her comatose state all fueling male sexual gratification. Aside from the considerable shock value, this scene sets the tone of Shinji’s actions towards women throughout the film as relations of power and dominance. This scene further establishes repressed sexual desire and thwarted sexual frustration as the latent foundation of Shinji’s interactions with Asuka throughout the film; thus creating motivation and tension with the potential to drive him to further forms of violence. 

In EoE, Shinji shares some type of sexual experience with all three women to whom he’s closest. First, his repulsive descent into depravity at the film’s very start. In this moment when he’s at his lowest, it is his most base and yet powerful instinct that takes over. He exacts pleasure, comfort, and distraction from Asuka’s body despite its fleetingness and her lack of consent. Second, Misato realizes that physical intimacy is the only thing that will get through to Shinji in his shell-shocked state. With a heated kiss, she delivers on the show’s hints of sexual interest between the two. Demonstrating just how well she understands Shinji, she promises him “We’ll do the rest when you get back,” knowing the promise of this ultimate physical act of approval and care is likely the only thing he will fight for. To put this in blunt terms: Shinji is promised sexual access to a woman whose praise he values, and this prospect of sexual fulfillment is what motivates him to finally enter Unit 1. While he isn’t imposing dominance over Misato here the same way he did to Asuka, this keeps with the film’s overall gendered perspective wherein Shinji’s triumphs or rare moments of purpose are marked by his access to women’s bodies. 

Third, Shinji’s interactions with Rei/Rei-Lilith within instrumentality. It first must be noted that Rei is depicted naked for practically the whole movie. Sure, this might be necessary for the initiation of instrumentality, but it also serves to complete her objectification. I can by no means see it as mere coincidence that the advent of instrumentality and potential unleashing of the cataclysmic Third Impact is all represented by a giant, naked female form. What would be the greatest threat from the perspective of the male-gendered narrative? Precisely this – a female body that is overpowering, unconquerable, and unfathomable. By extension, I also don’t believe it’s coincidental that Shinji’s attainment of self-determination in his decision to reject instrumentality happens concurrently to his sexual union with Rei. She explains to him that no, he hasn’t died, “everything has just been joined into one.” This “joining” is depicted utterly literally, without any of the subtlety by which the anime presented sexuality as representative of total union within instrumentality. Thus, the resolution of Shinji’s character arc and the film’s climax as a whole occurs when Shinji finally attains fulfillment of the sexual desire he has harbored since the film’s beginning. The following shot of him and Rei naked with his head in her lap resolves the crisis of instrumentality with an unmistakable post-coital essence. 

After these three encounters, we have the much-debated final scene of Shinji reuniting with Asuka after emerging from instrumentality. By this point, Shinji has taken advantage of her comatose body and strangled her, but she still has not shown herself amenable to his sexual desires as Misato and Rei have. She remains beyond his ability to either control or dominate. And so, while Rei’s giant, naked, and broken (read: conquered) body rests in pieces behind them, Shinji asserts his newfound will to attack the woman who has resisted his desire and refused the gratification he sought – both physically and emotionally. 

This scene left me possibly even more disturbed than the film’s opening. To me, this ending implies that along with Shinji’s discovery of self-determination comes the male’s unfettered triumph following a struggle defined by sexual violence. In this final scene, we see the resistant woman subject to yet more violence at the hands of the protagonist – until at last, she no longer resists. In my view, this final scene was the occasion of Asuka’s capitulation. She is finally subdued to the point of acceptance and affectionate response even when being subjected to violence. She responds to Shinji’s aggression not with retaliation, but with a loving gesture. Her final words of “how disgusting” reminded me immediately of the hospital scene, and what Shinji had asked of her there: “Wake up, help me, call me an idiot like always.” Now, the man’s desire is at last satiated.

Beyond the narrative reliance on sexuality as a form of power relations, EoE also engages in gratuitous degradation of female bodies. They are either imbued with threatening, destructive power (Rei-Lilith), or experience destruction themselves (Asuka in Unit 2 and Rei-Lilith at the film’s end). Both Rei and Asuka’s bodies are subjected to extreme violence throughout the film, even while still being depicted as sexual objects. While suffering horrific, graphic injuries during her fight in Unit 2, Asuka is depicted writhing in agony in the entry plug with a disturbing sense of the erotic. After her body becomes the apocalyptic vehicle of instrumentality, Rei’s giant naked form is depicted crumbling to earth, stripped not only of her clothes but any sense of the human. Her split-open head rests beside the sea of LCL – a symbol of the male protagonist’s moral and psychological “victory.”

Framework 2: Counter-Arguments

Though I was disturbed by the rampant and dehumanizing sexualization in EoE, there were also plenty elements of the film I admired and remain deeply fascinated by. I don’t wish to seem overly disparaging, so I’ll briefly mention two counter-examples to this more critical framework.

1. Rei denying and rebuking Gendo and asserting her own will, while depicted as naked. It’s hard to overstate the enormity of Rei’s decision here. After existing as a seemingly unfeeling clone created for the purpose of realizing Gendo’s desires, Rei brings his plans to a crashing halt right at the pinnacle moment. The scene metaphorically traveled from 0-100 very quickly. It began with the insinuation of Gendo joining with Rei in a vaguely sexual sense, and his hand sinking into her breast in an unconventional bodily invasion while she showed discomfort. But then she asserts, “I am not your doll.” Her nakedness seems transformed from vulnerability to power. She is no longer the passive instrument of a man’s realization of his desires. Instead, she asserts her personhood and makes the individual decision how to employ the power within her. In so doing, she decides not only her own fate, but practically that of the whole world. 

2. Shinji and Kaworu’s dynamic could be seen as refuting a binary reading of gendered power relations. Taking Shinji for bisexual has the potential to revise my interpretation from ‘Shinji subconsciously desires sexual access and control over women’ to ‘Shinji subconsciously desires sex and control’ period, without the emphasis on women as the subjects of his struggle. If this gendered binary is removed, then his growth and self-actualization need not come at the expense of the female characters around him. Extending Shinji’s repressed sexuality to encompass desire for Kaworu also alleviates the connotations of dominance and confrontation embedded within heterosexual sexuality. 

Writing all this out was largely my personal means of resolving the million jumbled thoughts in my head after finally diving into this stunning masterpiece of a show. I’ll say again - what makes this show such a timeless work of brilliance is its highly personal resonance in the minds of its viewers. In the end, it isn’t a story about robots, aliens, or even sex at all – it’s a self-reflective act forcing you to wake up and confront your own role in creating the very reality in which you live. What kind of world have you made for yourself? Have you trapped yourself in confinement of your own making, or have you imagined every possible version of your world and liberated all the possibilities hidden in your creation of self? Evangelion can mean something different to every one, and no single interpretation is more correct than any others. So that said – a hearty thank you to anyone who actually read all the way here, and I’m always eager for discussion! :)

#Neon Genesis Evangelion #Evangelion #End of Evangelion #NGE #Evangelion meta #Evangelion analysis

[harold2sco]

Pre-Birth Wounds

Let’s discuss the concept of “Pre-Birth Wounds.” This is a subject that many people never take into account, yet it greatly affects the quality of your existence on Earth.

Most people have been taught to believe that the path of an individual’s life unfolds after birth. Yet, I'm going to assert that this is not the case; that the factors shaping and molding you appear much earlier.

One thing that we've failed to do in many societies is care for mothers during their time of pregnancy. And, by caring, I mean nurturing them, empowering them physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

See, the females of our species literally take it upon themselves to onboard new Souls into the planet. They become vessels of pure cosmic energy and divine creation.

Women essentially bring forth and perpetuate humanity. Therefore, it's important that each mother is surrounded by energies that fulfill her, that remind her of this divine essence.

Because everything that goes into her goes into the baby and, consequently, goes into our human species. So we are creating the template for who and what we are through her.

This is the time period for a woman, during her pregnancy, when we need to fill her with Love, good energy, everything we want to reproduce and experience more of in our world.

But that doesn't happen very often. In fact, many women during this time period are treated harshly. An expecting mother may be pushed by the social system to work non stop like a machine; to surround herself with harmful chemicals in the environment.

Many of our money-driven societies are set up to be this kind of dog eat dog world. Everyone is scratching and clawing to get “Theirs,” and a pregnant woman must often do the same.

Therefore, subconsciously, she will be worried about survival and safety. This woman may also be related to toxic people or have a partner who hasn't done his own self healing.

Both people in that relationship then, who are psychologically battered, will push each other's buttons nonstop. They may have arguments, experience ongoing feelings of despair and disappointment. In extreme cases, physical violence might become a factor.

Just imagine what all this could be doing to an unborn child. In the womb, we are vessels of pure potential that are being impressed upon constantly by what the mother is experiencing.

And, at the core level, we're all energetic beings surrounded by others who carry their own electromagnetic and etheric fields. We constantly mix and commingle with people and are exposed to their emotional baggage.

Through that process, our own energetic sovereignty is often breached. These disruptive frequencies can then throw our lives completely out of balance. And a baby, being exposed to this, may begin to feel unsafe, under attack, unwelcomed in this world.

Studies have been done to follow the children of parents who, early in life, went through a prolonged period of starvation, torment, terror, or suffering. The children of these people often grow up, well into adulthood, feeling that they are never safe, or will somehow be attacked.

They may even develop to be much smaller and less physically capable than the offspring of people who didn't go through such an enormous hardship. Some of these adult children will hoard things. They may feel inappropriately attached to physical objects.

Others will eat to the point of becoming obese. Because, buried inside of their neural circuitry, is a fear that there will never be enough; that what they have will run out, or that they are in danger of losing bare essentials.

The people themselves are usually not able to identify these underlying fears without help or long periods of introspection. That’s because, in the womb, we don't have language yet.

We don't understand words, reason, or verbal cues. But we do have an emotional, energetic experience which, in itself, speaks volumes. The nervous system memory morphs into a belief structure that makes sense out of fears implanted before birth.

You see, thoughts, experiences, life events, emotions, are not words. Words are simply tools we use to transmit our own internal experience into the minds and bodies of other people.

They are secondary symbols, not the experience itself, which is fundamental. In fact, think of it this way. Every emotion is simply a sensory-based representation of some “Thought or information level Frequency.”

The emotion is, therefore, a thought, in the body. The mother will have certain thoughts in response to her environment. These ideas will be translated into a language that the very cells of her unborn child can understand.

Many of these destructive ideas are not hers. Because thoughts aren’t only generated inside of our heads. We transmit them out into the surrounding world.

Therefore, people around the pregnant mother will give their energy to her. If they are petty, “Small-Minded,” or suffer from self-hate, she gets that as well.

This becomes a dangerous cocktail that is mixed together and absorbed by the baby, a being that is pure potential, at its most vulnerable and impressionable state in life.

I’ll give you another example of how this plays out. Studies have also been done to follow the lives of children who were adopted through foster care. Many have gone into the system because their parents were drug addicts or lived a very destructive lifestyle.

Regardless, during those first few weeks of life, there is an incredible bonding process taking place between child and mother. Musch of our development is reliant upon going through this connective process.

Any newborn who is torn away from his or her mother during that time, endures a tremendously traumatic experience. The mother is probably in extreme distress, which her child can feel.

The baby also experiences a sensation of being “Torn Away” from its safety net. Emotionally, that bond is being ripped apart. This leaves an enormous wound and void within the child.

The infant may be placed in a foster home within weeks. Sometimes he or she will be passed right into the arms of a waiting family.

The new “mother” and “father” will very often go on to adopt the baby as their own. Therefore, the child would only really know and remember his or her adopted family.

Yet, following the same children throughout life, it is very very common for them to have attachment issues, fears of abandonment, oppositional and defiant behavior.

Young boys and girls like this may constantly feel the need to make others react, just to prove that they exist. These children will create, through their behavior, situations that cause peers, classmates, and even other adults to push them away.

All of this, and more, can be caused by an emotional/psychological/ Spiritual injury inflicted on the child either before birth or shortly after. The baby, teenager, adult, will go through life wanting to connect; wanting to feel complete and to bond with other people.

The problem is that he or she simply won't know how to accomplish this. Because the traumatic event wouldn’t be stored in regular memory. It would not exist in words or rational thought, but in the energy system of that being.

Even those of us who were raised by “birth parents” may pick up similar wounds in the womb, shortly after birth, and all throughout life. Just imagine what you might be carrying around, stuck in your system, right now.

It could show up as pain, injury, body dysfunction, weight gain, destroyed or abusive relationships, an inability to succeed and thrive, perpetual poverty, you name it.

There are nearly infinite manifestations that can come from experiences and harmful energies trapped in the human system.

You may be able to talk these things through with a traditional therapist and, over time, work them out. However, there is another way to do the same thing that most people never consider.

That is to cancel out the frequency of abandonment, fear, or whatever else is stuck inside of the body. Once that’s removed, the human being is designed to operate perfectly.

You can accomplish this by applying, to the “wound,” a higher, cleaner, restorative vibration.

Here’s a metaphor to help explain how it would work. Imagine that there is a clog in the drain of your bathroom sink. It has built up over a long period of time. The blockage may contain hair, grime, sludge, hard mineral deposits, all backed up in your piping.

You could go underneath the sink and disassemble everything. You can pull it apart, pipe by pipe, to pinpoint where the exact location of each sticking point is. That might work, at least to some degree, but only after you’ve put in a great deal of effort.

However, what if you instead found some natural solvent; what you might call a “High Frequency” You could run that through the pipes, dissolving the sludge, grime, and build up.

This describes the work that I do with people, connecting them with powerful Divine, healing energies that transform every aspect of their lives. IT’s a way of working with the very intelligence of Nature, the intelligence that created your entire body and everything in existence.

By bringing that level of information in, no kind of dysfunction or disruption can stay put. That’s one of the quickest ways to clear problems out, by working at the energetic level.

The REAL power is in your inborn ability to dissolve toxic experiences, not reminisce about them. This is how we, as humans, Truly Evolve to transcend the difficulties that attach to us throughout life.

[buttered-ghost-toast]

Listen, if you don't fill out all of those numbers and tell me everything about your MC I'm going to feel robbed

Oh geez, fam! ...aight. That took me a minute. But below you will find out more about my girl, Niri! 

1.      What is their favourite food?—

Cheeseburgers and carrots. 

2.       Do they have a fear of an animal? If so, what animal? –

Not a fan of snakes, lizards, frogs, sharks.

3.       What do they wear to bed? –

Shorts and a t-shirt. Sometimes nothing at all!! That had to stop when she moved into the HoL though. Brothers poppin’ in at all hours gettin’ an eyeful. Lucifer was upset. 

4.       Do they like cuddling?—

1000000000%. Niri’s a big ol’ cuddle bug. Asmo’s all about it. So is Beel. 

5.       Do they have a secret handshake with anyone? -- With Astaroth. It’s quite elaborate and they only ever do it when they decide to get up to trouble.

 6.       What do they look like? – 

She cute if I may say so myselffff (don’t judge me, she’s a self insert hah!) Mid to slightly above average height for a human female, fairly toned. Brown eyes, mid-back length hair that’s brown at the root, fades to a teal and purple under layers. Sometimes her hair will fade to a light yellowy-green. She has the hookup for dye from Barbatos who likes to procure things for her from the human realm. She also has quite a few tattoos.

 7.       Do they like chocolate? –

Only dark. She’s allergic to additives in certain milk chocolates so she doesn’t eat it much. 

 8.      What are their good and bad traits?

Good: Helpful, kind, encouraging, quite a hard worker in any task given her.

Bad: Easily swept up into trouble by others, will prioritize naps over other stuff sometimes, awfully flirtatious which gets her in hot water with Lucifer because apparently lesser demons keep poppin’ by the house with gifts also HUMAN, DID YOU REALLY JUST SAY THAT TO LORD DIAVOLO?! Oopsssssss~ Also, you know how Luci’s always doing the “MAAAAMMMOOOONNNNN…”…yeah, that’s almost always followed by “NIIIIIRIIIIIIIIII….”

 9.      Do they have any artistic talent?

Yes. She’s a musician so there’s that…and she likes to paint.

10.  What is their favourite room to be in, in the house they live in?

She likes the music room since the boys tend to spend quite a bit of time in there together, but she’s usually found in the kitchen making loads of food and baked goods…also, that’s where you’re more likely to find Beel, and she reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally likes Beel.

11.  Do they believe in luck?

To an extent. She believes that luck exists, but she thinks relying on it is a bit naïve.

12.  Can they do magic?

Like pull a rabbit out of a hat type thing? Yes. She picked up a few little tricks here and there from a friend who loves show magic. Def not the real stuff though.

13.  Do they believe in dragons?

She didn’t until she went to the Devildom. Not that they just have dragons hangin’ out all willy-nilly, but she’s heard stories from the brothers and others about dragons.

 14.  What is a pet peeve of theirs?

Rudeness and liars who don’t give up even after they’ve been caught in the lie. Also people who demand things of others as if they’re property and not living beings with feelings …this isn’t about Belphegor at all. Nope. She doesn’t have issues with him still.

15.  What was the last thing they cried about?

She was able to talk to all her bandmates at once for her weekly call home. They all just really miss each other, ok? It sucks that she has to lie to them about where she is because she knows they’re worried about her, but it was just nice to hear their voices.

16.  What is their sexuality?

Pan.

17.  Do they have a best friend? If so, who, and what makes them their best friend?

We’ll narrow this down to the Devildom. Niri gets along with everyone and literally loves all the beings she’s met and knows she could count on them for most anything, but there’s definitely a more solid feeling to her connection with Beelzebub. They sort of just get to be vulnerable and entirely open with one another and there is never judgement or ill will, even when Beel eats her secret snack stash…again.

 She’s kind of getting to that point with Astaroth as well, but she can sense he’s still a little guarded in certain aspects, and she’s not going to push.

18.  Have they ever been in a romantic relationship?

Yes, quite a few. It’s not her favorite thing to talk about since she’s been quite unlucky in that aspect, but hey, the past is the past.

19.  What does their relationship with their family look like? Are they close? Distant? Ect.

Her actual family family (with the exception of her brother) are not close in the least. They’re sort of barely on speaking terms. Her chosen family (comprised of her band and some of the closest staff) is extremely close.

20.  Do they have a pet?

No. She loves animals and had a dog up until recently, but they passed. It’s okay though, they had a good long life and it wasn’t painful for them when it happened.

21.  Do they have a familiar?

Nope. Non-magical.

22.  Are they a supernatural being?

Nope! “Boring” human, but she does seem to always find herself in weird situations that are sorta paranormal.

23.  How do they usually wear their hair?

It really just depends on the day. If she had time to work on it, it’s down and straight. If it’s a rush in the morning (read: fight for the bathroom because Beel won’t MOVE) she’ll toss it in a bun or ponytail depending on how hot it is outside. There are the odd days when she’ll just let it vibe in its natural wavy/curly state, but she kind of got fed up with the brothers calling her a sheep because it’s so fluffy.

24.  Can they play an instrument? If so, what instrument and what can they play?

Yes! She learned guitar and bass at a young age and was tinkering with drums before she was whisked away to the Devildom.

25.  What type a high schooler are/were they?

She was the quiet weird kid that didn’t quite fit in with the weird weird crowd, but also wasn’t popular. Plenty of people knew her or of her, but she mainly stuck with her group of friends and was nice to everyone.

26.  Have they ever been in a physical fight before? If so, with who? Who won?

Yes. Just small bits of violence. No one of import, tbh. But there was that one time they all went out to party at the fall and Mammon and Levi started teasing her and in her drunken state, Niri went to punch Mammon who managed to duck so she hit Levi square in the nose. He was fiiiiiiine.

27.  What is their favourite holiday?

Halloween because it’s fun, Christmas because of the togetherness, and EASTER BECAUSE MARSHMALLOW PEEPS!

 28.  If they could have one wish, what would they wish for?

A pass to go from the Devildom to the Human realm and back whenever she wants forever.

 29.  Do they wants kids? If they already have kids, do they want more?

No. Never.

 30.  Do they have a job?

Yes? Being a singer in a band is a job, right? It doesn’t always feel like a job because it’s awesome, but it’s a job.

 31.  Do they know how to drive?

Yes. She has convinced Mammon to let her drive his car on a few occasions and every time they get back he swears NEVER AGAIN. She a little speed demon.

 32.  Do they get stressed out easily?

Funny story, actually…YES. But she is pretty good at not letting it show. So on the outside she’s like la-la-la~ but inside it’s all AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA~~~

 33.  Did they ever dye their hair before? If so, to what colour? Did they like it?

Absolutely lol. Niri has gone through a few colors in her life, but her favorite is and always will be the teal. (Fun fact: the purple came from a happy accident a few years back when she dyed over a pink shade and a layer turned out purple. She liked it so now she does it that way on purpose.)

 34.  Have they ever broken the law?

Never anything egregious, but she’s gotten tickets for stuff in the human world. Disturbing the peace, speeding, she was fined once (along with her bandmates) for a surprise free show they did in front of a train station which got a lot more attention than they were expecting and wound up shutting down a couple city blocks. Oooooooooopsss~

 35.  Do they own a plant?

She’s really bad with plants. REALLY bad. She was gifted a plant by Simeon a couple weeks into the exchange program and it took an embarrassingly long time for her to notice it was a fake plant…since he knows she sucks at keeping things alive.

 36.  Have they ever rode a horse before?

Once, and it was a terrifying experience so she just keeps her distance now.

 37.  What is their favorite gif?

anything featuring Titus Andromedon.

 38.  Do they get along with others easily?

 She tries to. It’s not always possible, but she tries, dammit!

 39.  Do they have any tattoos?

Several, yes. One arm sleeve done, starting the other arm, both thighs have massive pieces on them and both ribs done as well. There are also a few small things on her fingers and back.

 40.  If I wanted to draw them, what would be distinct physical features that I would have to know to draw them correctly?

Lotta hair. Looooooottttta hair. And heavily winged eyeliner. Big lashes.

 41.  What is their favourite breed of dog?

Huskies. They’re just so cute and sassy! And perfectly sized!! Great cuddle buddies and fun to run with!

 42.  Do they live with anyone? If so, who?

Not in the human world, but she’s got 7 kinda irritating roomies in the Devildom!

 43.  Where is their dream vacation?

She’s traveled extensively, so there isn’t anywhere she dreams of going that she hasn’t already seen. Her favorite place is anywhere mountainous and lush.

 44.  Do they know more than one language?

Yep. Niri’s a language nerd. Because she likes to speak to fans and stuff, she has set it on herself to learn as many languages as she can. She’s not perfectly fluent in all of them, but it’s a good handful that she can hold a full conversation in. She and Satan like to practice with one another around the house, despite complaints from the others.

 45.  Are they a quick learner?

Depends. Most things, yes…..math and processes requiring math, NO.

 46.  Have they ever won a contest before? If so, what for? What did they win?

No, she’s not really the luck having type.

 47.  If the world were to end in 24 hours, where would they be and who would they be with?

Probably hugging Beel. They hug often. They’re kinda always together. It’s gross according to Leviathan and Belphegor.

 48.  What does their room look like?

She didn’t change much in the room she was given at the HoL. Just added her fake plant from Simeon and a few human things…she actually got the “Hang in There” kitty poster just for kicks. Lucifer hates it.

 49.  If they could have an extinct animal for a pet, what would they have?

A dodo bird. Because they’re weird and cool.

 50.  If they got called out by someone, what would they do?

Laugh and argue probably. Depends what they’re calling her out on.

51.  Have they ever shot a gun before?

Yep. Actually enjoys shooting, it’s a fun stress reliever. She makes a point to drop by shooting ranges every once in a while back home.

 52.  Have they ever been axe throwing?

Once at a renaissance festival on an odd week of downtime. She didn’t do so well. The throwing was fine, but she never hit the target. Just be glad she didn’t hit a person either!

 53.  What is something that they want but can’t have?

At the moment, all the people she loves in one place.

 54.  Do they know how to fish?

Nope! She’s a mess with that kind of thing. Also, she doesn’t like the idea of fishing for anything herself. It makes her cry to think of the fish on the hook :<.

 55.  What is something they always wanted to do but too scared?

Hmm…Niri tries to live her life in a way that she won’t have regrets, so even if something is scary, she’ll pluck up the courage to do it. But…she still hasn’t jumped out of a plane.

 56.  Do they own their own baby pictures?

Absolutely not. She cringes thinking of the outfits her parents used to put her in, so she did her best to keep those kinds of things buried and acts like they never existed. Nope. Was never a baby. Nope.

 57.  What makes them standout among others?

Niri is a pro at pretending she’s confident, so she tends to draw attention when she walks in a room like she owns the place. Also her hair is kinda bright.

 58.  Do they like to show off?

Not really. She’s flamboyant in a sense, but she doesn’t go out of her way to call attention or to be center stage…heh.

 59.  What is their favourite song?

She can never pick, honestly. There are so many songs that are so amazing!

 60.  What would be their dream vehicle?

That’s a very good question. Probably something sitting in her garage back home. Probably being driven by one of her bandmates. Because hey, what are friends for?

 61.  What is their favourite book?

Not that she isn’t a big reader, but she doesn’t really get the time to enjoy books. There’s always something that needs attention or someplace to be and she’s required to engage, so focusing on a book or story is hard, but she’s a fan of classic novels, poetry, and Greek tragedies are always good!

 62.  Who, in their opinion, makes the best food?

She likes everything Barbatos makes and thinks Luke’s desserts are fantastic, but there’s something about a human recipe that just warms her heart, so…..herself. Lol.

 63.  Are they approachable?

Absolutely! If you can get past her intimidating resting face.

 64.  Did they ever change their appearance?

Not drastically, but she has gone through a few different phases until settling on a good one.

65.  What makes them smile?

The silliness of those around her. Thinking of good memories with family/friends. Puppies.

 66.  Do they like glowsticks?

Yes. She has a stockpile of glowsticks that the brothers keep adding to.

 67.  What is something that is simple, but always makes them smile?

Watching the brothers bicker, even if it’s getting out of hand. It reminds her of her friends and how they always pick on one another.

 68.  Are they a day or night person?

Night, usually. Not that she dislikes the daytime, but day usually has so much stuff to be done whereas night is the fun stuff that doesn’t need a schedule.

 69.  Are they allergic to anything?

Some milk chocolate, bell peppers, and certain devildom plants.

 70.  What do you, the creator of this OC, like most about them?

She’s a spunky little thing who loves to have fun and make others smile above all else.

 71.  Who is their ride or die?

In the Devildom, Beelzebub and Astaroth.

Beel for most things, and Asta for the stuff Beel won’t do.

 72.  Do they currently have a significant other? If not, are they going to get one later one?

Erm…eh…look, it’s never been officially labeled or anything, ok? Like yeah they’re kind always together and have pet names for each other and like always touch and cuddle and like snuggle up in bed together and stuffffffffffff but like, idk? Is Beel her dude? Like….do we wanna even get into that?????? I mean, maybe someday? Like…what? What was the question??

 73.  What attracts them to another person?

A genuine heart, a killer smile, and a rockin’ bod. Yeah okay look everyone can be a little shallow sometimes okay get off her case >__<.  

 74.  Who is one person that can always make them laugh?

She’s a damn fool and will laugh at ANYTHING, so it’s not hard. Everyone makes her laugh. The girl will 9 times out of 10 laugh at herself for the dumbest moments.

 75.  Have they ever partied too hard and their friends had to take them home?

Oh yes many times. Many many times.  One of the first few times she hung out (went on a date) one-on-one with Beel they had a drinking contest and as it turns out, he can really hold his devil liquor.

 76.  Who would be their cuddle buddy?

She’ll cuddle up to Beel 99.9% of the time because he’s big and warm and always happy to hold, but she also really enjoys cuddling with Asmodeus. He’s such a sweetie and he smells so nice and they just snuggle and talk and laugh and it’s a nice escape. (Loads of times there are Asmo x Niri x Asta sandwiches in Asmo’s room.)

 77.  Who would cheer them up after a long day?

She tends to go to one of the brothers depending on what kind of day it’s been. Most of the time it’s gonna be Beel because again, big/warm/happy to hold her, but there are occasions where she’ll drag Beel to one of the others’ rooms and they’ll just hang out.

 78.  If they had a nightmare, who would they run to?

I mean…Beel. Lol. He’s right there.

 79.  What object to the care for the most?

She has a picture of her friends from back home that sits on her desk. She treasures that above all while she’s down in the Devildom.

 80.  Do they like other people’s children?

Sure. Kids are fine as long as they go back to their parents after a bit.

 81.  How would they react if someone broke into their home?

Seeing as there’s always someone coming into her room regardless if she’s there or not, she probably would just shrug it off. If someone decided to have a bad lapse in judgement and break into the HoL? She wouldn’t have to lift a finger.

 82.  Does anyone make them have butterflies in their stomach?

I mean….Beel. Lol. He so big and cute! Also Diavolo because he also big and cute.

 83.  What is something that they are good at?

Crying to get out of trouble. She’s a little shit. Lol.

 84.  What is their neutral expression?

Niri kinda always looks pissed off or uninterested?  Until she smiles and you realize oh, she’s just a big ol’ faker.

 85.  Do they like to cook?

Yes. It’s one of her very favorite things to do!

 86.  What is something they can’t leave home without?

Her phone! (and Beel) but like, there’s just so much a phone can do!

 87.  Who is someone that they rely on?

Have I mentioned ever that Simeon is (or was at one time) Niri’s guardian angel? He seems to always be there and ready to help in any way, so she’s pretty reliant on him and hopes he feels the same toward her. (He does. Cue uwu’s)

 88.  Do they liked to be tickled?

Absolutely not. She’s extremely ticklish and hates being tickled. She flails and cries.

 89.  Have they ever been a sword fight before?

No. No she has not lol. Unless empty wrapping paper tubes count? She’s done that.  

 90.  What is a joke that they would find funny?

All the bad ones. All of them. Ugly laugh here we go!

 91.  Do they have a place that can go and turn off their brain?

The gardens at RAD. It’s peaceful and there’s a great  view of the sky.

 92.  What was their childhood like?

Not bad, but not memorable. There was a lot of pressure put on her to be a perfect kid, and she didn’t get to have a whole ton of fun.

 93.  What are they like as an adult?

Responsible, but definitely fun-loving. Like I mentioned before, she likes to live in a way that she won’t ever regret not having done something she wanted to do, or regret any actions she took, so she’s always got an open mind and welcomes new experiences. She’s a big ol’ kid.

 94.  Do they take criticism well?

Yes. She welcomes criticism in any form as she is always looking to be the best person she can be.

 95.  Have they ever jumped out of a plane?

No. Not yet!

 96.  Who do they like to make jokes with?

Literally anyone. A total joker. Big big clown.

 97.  Have you ever drawn them before? If you are comfortable with it, would you post a picture?

Yes! I draw Niri every once in a while. I actually need to draw her again soon! I miss that girl.

#asks for Butter #get to know Niri

[monica-mcn]

This post is going to be quite long, so for it not to be too overwhelming, or boring, I listed some highlights of what I'm going to write about:

• JULES AND RUE RELATIONSHIP DYNAMIC IN 1x04

• TOXIC MASCULINITY: NATE

• THE IMPORTANCE OF JULES' POINT OF VIEW

• JULES NEED OF VALIDATION OF HER FEMININITY

• LABELS

JULES AND RUE RELATIONSHIP DYNAMIC IN 1x04

A very interesting thing in 1x04 that answers some of my questions about Jules and Rue's relationship dynamic is that they choose to make Rue a cis girl; as Hunter said about the final scene is that Jules finds with Rue a new kind of "intimacy without violence" (and that's so interesting to watch in a show such Euphoria) in part because who Rue is and what (she being a cis girl) implies. In certain aspects it changes everything for Jules because Rue is the opposite of what she's used to look for in a romantic partner.

JULES NEED OF VALIDATION OF HER FEMININITY

As Hunter explains, Jules reaches for this archetype that often aligns with the cis man, in long-term relationship that identifies as straight in order to feel validated as a woman. This is because she grew up with a binary ideal of "love", that reaffirms her notion of womanhood through the pursuit of validation by a masculine figure, which I think a lot of woman can identify with.

This shaped her belief on romance and of herself; if we go back to 1x03, we can see how Jules is taken aback by Rue's kiss; (here is how I interpreted this scene) I felt that Jules looked more confused than anything else. Perhaps, before meeting Rue she didn't imagen a woman could have romantic feelings towards her (because internalize trans-homophobia), nor it could be a possibility because of the perception of womanhood she has, and this has being present in all the relationship she's being before.

After this we have to take in consideration how this is projected, eg: Tyler. Tyler is the ideal boy for Jules in this binary belief of romance, but in the lake when she sees Nate's face, Tyler's imagen brakes in a million pieces. Now, why did she kiss Nate even after all he did to her?

As Nate starts speaking he is able of holding Tyler's illusion for a couple of seconds more till it dissipates to show Nate's horrible nature. Once again, the strict believe of romance Jules has shows how dangerous and tricky can be.

TOXIC MASCULINITY: NATE

However, a couple of question that creates Nate's character are: is he really like this?, can someone that is causing so much pain redeem himself?, is he even willing to change?

Something sure is that Nate's redeemable traits are quickly eclipsed by his violent behaviour; but as episodes goes by, we can start to understand how this type of masculinity cages Nate, pushing deep his most vulnerable self to make space to the football player that just cares to sleep with the "hottest chick", even when this doesn't fulfil him. His character is a victim of the system of ideals that his Father reinforced on him from a young age, while rewarding said behaviours; and we can see that Nate's brother didn't reach these expectations resulting in an auto destructive behaviour, yet Nate, whether he's aware or not, does a good job on perpetuating this values; and even if he despise what his Father represents, everything Nate does push him closer to him.

I would like to see what's going to happen with him. One part of me understands the dangerous person he is and wants him far away from Rue and Jules; the other takes in consideration the circumstances he grew up on, making him be who he is, and hopes that he finds a way out of the toxic environment he's on and to finally understand the danger he is for other people and for himself.

Nonetheless, Rue as well as Jules, has experience some type of violence in their lives (which has caused them to either abuse drugs or harm themselves) yet a difference from Nate, they haven't incorporated, nor perpetuated those violent behaviours to that degree. That's one of the differences between Rue and Nate, and reinforces what Rue means to Jules; someone who cares about her and accepts her for who she is (without fetishizing her).

This excludes the possibility of Jules kissing Rue in 1x04 because she needed some kind of comforting body to stick on, as we have seeing all the girls seek during all the episode, but is a symbol of Jules braking those toxic ideas about her femininity by accepting her feeling for Rue.

THE IMPORTANCE OF JULES' POINT OF VIEW

Needles to say, Jules has become one of my favourite characters in such a short time, and I think is because her mere existence creates this domino effect around her. We see how gender and sexuality are questioned through her relationship with Rue and Nate, which in themselves reflects the dynamics of race and sex within our society; for me Rue's character embodies the abuse of drug that people of colour face, and Nate the toxic values of white-masculinity that prevails nowadays.

LABELS

On another page, something I quite enjoy is the lack of labels, which I feel brings a more open interpretation of the characters, even when said words kept being used (and most of the time are important), I feel is to describe and to start to understand the complexity of the human traits that are being shown to us, than to limit (or to sensationalized them).

Although, I left out a lot about Rue, Jules and Nate characters because it would be a super long post, I can't say I'm not excited to see what is going to happen to them, and more for this two. I just love their dynamic.

#euphoria #rue x jules #hunter speaks #zendaya

[blueyesandleatherjacket]

The Fallen, 16/17

Volume: 1.

Number of parts: 16/17.

Pairings: Nine x Rose.

A/N: Tagging @thebookster on her demand.

“We've all fallen, but at the same time we're not broken. There is the hint that we are going to get up again.” - Amy Lee.

CHAPTER 16:

The doctor Nash Grieve hadn’t disappeared. She was still working under Jeremy Backfire’s orders or, should she say, threats, in his mental hospital that was now qualified as the cheapest and worst institution of London and of Great-Britain. However, it was of no importance to the man. The upper part, the public part of the hospital was ruled by one of his trustworthy friends. It was done properly enough to avoid any kind of suspicions that would lead to an in-depth investigation. That would be really problematic. There were things that couldn’t be found underneath the surface. Under the hospital, there was a prison for supernatural beings, a prison built in guts of Earth, buried so deeply for the screams and begs to neve reach the world; a prison but also a laboratory to run experiences on those beings who weren’t considered as beings and were refused all rights. No one knew they were there; no one would ever know they were here. The only one to have escaped was Maxence Spitz. Jeremy Backfire had been furious to find out that his son was gone, even ore when he found out that Maxence was back to his mother and was, consequently, protected. Joanne Spitz was his ex-wife, the woman he had had Maxence with and also the only person on Earth he feared. He would admit such a thing since he was the perfect example of the macho man, all in masculinity and thick mind on certain subjects, but contrarily to most macho men, he was clever enough not to hate on woman. He secretly feared them. Well, only their name was Joanne Spitz. That was why he had never tried to get his hands on Maxence since he was back home despite his burning desire to force him to reveal the Doctor and the Wolf’s secrets. He was fairly certain that Maxence had been helped for his escape. His suspicions were on Nash. She had been the first one to talk to him when he was brought to that hospital. A relationship of trust was born that day, and nothing of what she had done to him on his orders had broken it for some reasons. Jeremy had interviewed her in his office but could get nothing from her. He had taken her in the coloured rooms. He tortured her in every one of them like she had tortured Maxence, still under his orders. He even tortured her dear friend Maya but couldn’t get a word from her. He proved her mind, and was left clueless. The woman who knew everyone and everything about the place couldn’t tell how Maxence had escaped. The Wolf probably managed to get out of here on its own, the human wasn’t clever enough for that. Human were despicable in every single aspect: they were fragile and fell to pieces with the light push of the wind in their back; they were vulnerable to the tiniest of germs that could kill them in a couple of hours; they were limited and powerless, stuck in a weak corporeal shell, unable to use their brain cells to their full capacities. Jeremy had been one of those humans since his birth and had always been frustrated by this condition. Of course this revelation hadn’t hit him before he was a man in his late twenties, about to enter his thirties. It was after Joanne had kicked him out of his house in Manchester. He had moved to London where repeated and unexplained attacks had pushed him to do his own inquiry and soon he found himself obsessing over his need to meet an alien properly. Despite their obvious presence everywhere he was unable to find one. His first encounter with an alien had happened three years ago. At that time, he was well established in London as headmaster of one of the numerous jails of the country, one where all the worst psychotic criminals were locked away. He had rebuilt his life with another woman, was fostering kids. It was hiding the darkness growing in him ever since the birth of his first son but this violence and darkness had taken an unexpected turn when his wife brought a fifteen-year-old teenager from the orphanage she was picking all of her lost causes in. The girl was shy, easily intimidated and had issues being comfortable around anyone. She also had a tattoo – that she called a birth mark she had had since forever – he had seen a couple times before in his researches: she was a hidden shapeshifter. She ignored everything of her true nature, was living as a human, was weak, gullible, easy to manipulate. He had intimidated her, had murmured in her ear at night, made her fall under his complete control. He was human still at that moment but he could feel her fear. He could smell it on her, on her clothes reeked of her sweat, on her skin when his lips brushed over her body, in her words and in her body language when he was around her. He had become obsessed with her, with her body, with her scent… And the idea of her genes had been driving him insane. He literally had had alien material by hand and couldn’t use it, couldn’t do anything of it. He had lost his ability to sleep, spent his night watching her sleeping. Until he couldn’t just sit and stare. He had begun touching her, stroking her skin with the back of his fingers, dropping kisses along her jaw and neckline. She had tried to fight him, tried to defend herself but what could a teenager do against an adult? Who could she talk to? She had nothing and no one to turn to, no one who would believe her. He would have turned everyone against her if she even had tried. He had her in his total control and she was powerless when he had murmured that it was all her fault and had taken her most precious belonging. He had sent her back to the orphanage she was coming from a couple days later, accusing her of being a troublemaker, just before Christmas. A few weeks later, he had found out that she was pregnant, which could have been good news – it meant he would have upgraded the Backfire lineage – if he hadn’t been told that when she had a miscarriage and lost the baby. He had influenced her doctors with enough money for them to give him the dead foetus and also to make sure the young woman would never be able to procreate ever again. If she couldn’t carry his children, she would carry none. It was also another successful attempt to intimidate her so she wouldn’t say a word about what he had done to her. She hadn’t talked, had kept silent when she was interrogated about the incident. She had been suspected to have had sex with another teenager from the orphanage or someone from the outside. It was perfect for him. No one knew about his past – Joanne and Maxence had never talked or filed a complaint, kicking him out was apparently enough – and his reputation was intact. Later, he was promoted headmaster of this mental institute in Peckham that was threatening to close its doors since no one could handle the patients that were locked away in there. He had accepted for the place was presenting all the advantages he had been looking for to continue his researches. The basement contained the remains of the past when torture on the patients was allowed, before it was declared illegal and abandoned there. Perfect. He had drawn new plans for the place, had them done quickly and secretly and soon the basement was equipped with laboratories and rooms for the most difficult patients as he called them. Patients that would be aliens in captivity, but that was his secret. He couldn’t talk about it to anyone before he found the right persons to work with, meaning he had to operate a total reorganisation of the staff. A staff that appeared to be pretty interesting in the end. Many non-terrestrial creatures were hiding in this building, as patients and medical staff. Among them he found what looked like a family of shapeshifters: Nash Grieve, only qualified therapist here, was the oldest; Maya and Oliver Carson were a married couple; and Alex Baxter was Maya’s young brother. He had made sure the two men would be locked away in the new cells of the basement so the women would work for him without causing troubles. They obviously would ignore what was happening to their friends. There were numerous other races of aliens hidden there. He had only kept the most interesting ones and had turned the others into slaves working for him and obeying his every order – unlike Maya and Nash who had a quite rebellious attitude toward him. Rebellious but not suicidal, they knew where to stop. His experiences were going well, and he was testing some alien genes on the scums of this society, improving these lost causes or leaving them to die in terrible pains and getting rid of the bodies in an incinerator. When the results were pleasing to him, he would put his life on the line and improve himself with new genes. It wasn’t without pain but he never felt so strong and so powerful in his entire life. He was enjoying every bit of advantage the alien genes and technologies had and throwing away the inconveniences. But this power wasn’t enough. He needed more, more of all of this, more of species, more experiences. Nash, Maya and company belonged to a special race of shapeshifters; shifters that had been exposed to experiences before. Their genes had been modified so that they could become immortal, so they could heal and ‘regenerate’. A gene he hadn’t been able to reproduce from her DNA, a gene belonging to a no longer existing race. That was when he found out about the Doctor, a lone survivor of the Time War thar had exterminated all of his species and the Daleks. That’s when he found out his son had become the Doctor and was running around the universe as an elusive chimera, a myth, a legend only a few privileged persons had caught sight of. He had been reported to be around London a lot, then spotted in Manchester and back in London where he was caught babbling deliriously before being brought to Jeremy’s institute. Fate was being good on him that day. The Doctor being a prisoner of his hospital without him even trying to catch him – not that he had had the time to think about a strategy to draw him here – and it turned out he had brought an even powerful entity with him called Bad Wolf. This was more than Jeremy could ever have dreamt of. The wheel had turned, he could get his revenge on both his son and ex-wife, and continue his quest for power. First, he had had to steal the patient from Nash who had made it a point of honour to keep him hidden from him even after finding out how dangerous he was and what was his real identity. The Doctor had protected Maxence well for all the time he was there. So did the Wolf. The duo nicely settled down in the head of a human being going mad from such a power had done their best to screw every research he ever did on him. No bit of data was even usable. They had scrambled and faked everything they could before vanishing into thin air, and what they couldn’t have messed with wasn’t giving convincing results. This was why Jeremy was so furious. Had Maxence been a patient here for a longer time, the results would have been much better. But he hadn’t, and worse than that, he had messed with his father’s mind and created damages that had needed time to heal before Jeremy could come back to work with a rage harder than previously. One way or another, his son would pay for this. He just had to find a weak point. He remembered the Doctor calling a name when he was in an agitated sleep, in an excruciating pain. A name he wouldn’t even have pronounced if his mind had been sane. His mind wasn’t sane. Not anymore. The power hidden inside him was too much to handle for anyone and it was driving him insane to the point of spilling non-sense to anyone foreign to his world. Non-sense that seemed important enough to Nash Grieve who had written it all down. At least, at the beginning of the therapy. She had been quick to destroy the rest of the file as the months passed by. A way to protect her patient from the darkness of her boss, from the darkness of a father who had already hurt his son in the past. He could never get his hands on the rest of the file but the scraps of data he got were enough for him to pursue his researches on the Doctor. He couldn’t reach the new face involved. It would be too dangerous to have him around. Rose. This name was the only lead Jeremy had to draw the attention of the Doctor stuck in his son’s mind. If he managed to find her, to bring her to his hospital – he could find any reason to have her locked away – that would send a strong message to this uncatchable alien that kept slipping between his fingers like water. Rose was a common name in the United Kingdom but there was only one Rose who went missing at the same time as Maxence Spitz. No one had thought that these two disappearances could be linked before him. How could humans have with their tiny little brains? Jeremy needed the Doctor’s brain. Not just bits of it like he had taken over the months. He needed to kill the man and dissect him like an animal to find out all of his secret. He would feel no remorse in killing his own son. Maxence had never meant anything to him. All he had been was a nuisance to his life and projects. Rose Tyler was his best shot for this revenge, and he lost no time in trying to get to her. He didn’t elaborate strategies, didn’t plan anything. He had to be clever and clear and go straight to the point if he wanted work as fast as possible. He went to the Powell Estates in person, introduced himself to Jackie Tyler and before he could say anything else, he was kicked out with names and fury. Apparently, the woman mistook him for his son who was his spitting image and thought he should go to hell before even thinking of coming back around her daughter. This attempt was a failure but it confirmed Jeremy’s thoughts that Rose Tyler was the person they had been looking for all along. She had been traveling with the Doctor and he had left her behind when he changed. Perfect. Now, he just had to be patient and build a real plan to make her fall into a deadly trap…

To be continued...

The Fallen © | 2019 | Tous droits réservés.

×××

← Last || Next →

English version:

AO3 || TS.

#doctor who #ninth doctor #rose tyler #doctor x rose #dw fic #the fallen

[ettadunham]

A Buffy rewatch 6x19 Seeing Red

aka dick move joss

Welcome to this dailyish (weekly? bi-weekly?) text post series where I will rewatch an episode of Buffy and go on an impromptu rant about it for an hour. Is it about one hyperspecific thing or twenty observations? 10 or 3k words? You don’t know! I don’t know!!! In this house we don’t know things.

And after today’s episode, who’s ready to get drunk and do some math? *points to self* It me. I’m drunk.

Seeing Red has not one, but TWO of the show’s most controversial scenes in the entire series, so that’s a distinction I guess. One that I should probably be talking about, but… you know. Turns out that when you drink the rest of your apple liquor in one sitting, your ability to form critical thought exponentially deteriorates with each and every second.

But math? Math is easy. You can do math drunk while walking on your hands. So let’s do math.

So, did you guys know that Amber Benson appeared in the most Buffy episodes per season while not being in the credits? It’s true. I made a very detailed excel sheet.

(Yes, these are all the actors who appeared at least 14 episodes of the show. I didn’t really need to include all of them to prove my point, but I did it anyway.)

Those purple highlights you see? Those are for actors who appeared at least 70% of the episodes while not being part of the main cast in a season. Apart from a few special cases where someone has been promoted to the main cast during a season (like Michelle Trachtenberg after one episode in season 5 or Marc Blucas following the first 10 episodes of season 4), the only ones this applies for is Kristine Sutherland and Amber Benson. And the latter’s 18 appearance during season 5 (aka 82% of the season) is our biggest outlier among those even.

Now, to be fair, actors who are part of the main cast never actually go below 83% in their own respective season appearances on Buffy (see the blue highlights that show the two instances that goes below 90% even), but like… Appearing in 16-18 episodes of at least two 22-episode seasons in a major capacity is still a fucking lot by any TV standards.

So the fact that neither of these actors have been promoted to regular status during their run is kind of weird. Maybe Joyce was often forced into the background, but Kristine Sutherland was a huge presence in season 5 in particular. Up until Joyce’s death in The Body, she appeared in all episodes, and had a cameo later in The Weight of the World. She should’ve been in the credits for that period, imo.

Similarly, if you look at other characters who occupied a comparable role to Tara – so, basically characters who were introduced as love interests to one of the Scoobies –, each and every one of them have been promoted to the main cast by their 3rd year at the very least. And Emma Caulfield, who was one of those third year joiners, only appeared in 5 episodes in her first season. Seth Green, who with his 10/22 appearance is much closer to Amber Benson’s 12/22 in their respective debut seasons, was part of the credits by his second year on the show.

In conclusion what I’m saying is that fuck you Joss for pulling that opening credits shit on us. No. This should’ve happened two seasons ago, and now you’re using it to play on the audience’s attachment to this character, dangling that promise of having more of her on the show just to take it away.

Not cool, my dude. So very not cool.

In other bad news, making that excel sheet sobered me up a bit (damn you, math), and now I’m just kinda tired and sad. It’s starting to dawn on me that this is the last I’ll see of Tara during this rewatch.

Maybe I should just start over from Hush? There’s an idea…

There’s also a reason why this episode is cited as such an egregious example of the Bury Your Gays trope even after almost two decades. With the show having been limited on what they can show of Willow and Tara’s relationship early on, the inclusion of the many sexual moments in this episode especially jumps out. Having that precede Tara’s death somehow manages to maximize the negative impact of it even more, reinforcing pre-existing harmful associations in the audience.

But then again, would it have been better to not have these moments at all? I don’t know the answer to that.

In any case, when I talked about character deaths earlier on this show, I mentioned that there are two criteria that I judge those: story impact and social impact. Meaning on one hand, that when you kill off a character, you want that to have a meaningful impact on your story and characters. It needs to have a purpose and long-lasting effects for it to satisfy your audience’s emotional needs. And on the other hand, there’s also the bigger media and societal landscape to consider. Especially when you’re killing off a character, who’s already part of an underrepresented group.

I think I probably already alluded to how I consider Tara’s death to be well-executed story-wise, despite being extremely poorly done in the latter regard. There are arguments to be made of course about how maybe the show could’ve killed a different character to achieve the same effect in the story, etc. – but I find the following arc captivating as it is regardless.

Then again, I also love Tara, and definitely wouldn’t have complained if the show just randomly brought her back from the death, story be damned. Unbury your gays, you cowards.

I guess I’ll also need to touch on the other controversial scene in the episode, huh? Well, I don’t want to.

But fine.

Hot take, but I just don’t connect to Spike. Not during this rewatch. And looking back at my feelings on it, I think that part of that is the very association that’s textualized here.

See, vampires are giant rape metaphors. Well, they can be metaphors for a lot of things, this is Buffy after all, but that’s definitely a big part of them. And the show’s been playing up this aspect with Spike in the past – usually it’s just been done for comedy.

Think about his scenes with Willow in Lovers Walk or The Initiative. The latter is especially chilling with the way he attacks Willow on her bed and turns up the music, right before we cut to black… and then we find out that Spike’s “impotent” and can’t bite her, and suddenly she’s comforting him? And it’s a comedy?

That scene is super weird. And uncomfortable. And that was probably part of its purpose, but it also means that I’m just not shocked by what he almost does here.

Spike’s a romantic, but he’s also a soulless vampire who can’t differentiate between love, death, sex and violence. He tells Buffy in a previous episode that he wouldn’t hurt her, but while he may believe that, it’s not true exactly. He doesn’t understand what Buffy needs. They share an understanding, but in this, he’s unable to empathize with Buffy beyond a certain level.

Afterwards though, he does seem to understand what he’s done, and given what we know of vampires, that’s pretty fascinating. He finally realizes that he can’t love Buffy without that empathy. And he can’t be the monster he used to be with these conflicts. So he’s off to rectify that.

Meanwhile Buffy’s out there, fighting superpowered nerds right after that fucking traumatic experience. Which… don’t get me wrong, I can definitely see how beating up Warren can be therapeutic, but there is also something to be said about the show not giving Buffy enough space to process certain traumas, and focusing more on Spike’s development instead.

Again though, it’s not that I don’t get it. Spike’s an intriguing character, and I can definitely see how a lot of people connect with him. His more negative traits are balanced out by his vulnerability, and his ability to self-reflect and grow. Just because I have a hard time relating to him, doesn’t mean that others shouldn’t enjoy his character. God knows that I have plenty of problematic faves...

Oh yeah, and Xander and Buffy share a nice scene by the end of the episode. Still, I guess I wanted a bit more out of it? Like Xander acknowledging how putting Buffy on a pedestal leads to him judging her more harshly, and how it’s something he should be working on in order to be a better friend to Buffy? Maybe I just want too much.

A character who was just perfect in this episode though? Dawn. Actual picture of Dawn Summers looking at Tara and Willow.

Same, Dawn. Same.

The last three minutes of Seeing Red? I don’t know her.

#buffy rewatch 2k19 #btvs talk #btvs

[brokenforecast]

The Emperor

The Emperor: a muggle guide to tarot 

It has been more than a year since I wrote on this blog but better late than never. I should have plenty of time from now on, because that is the reason for all this silence: lack of free time. But I handled that like a boss. let’s get on with it. We have finally arrived at an unapologetic male character in the tarot, which took us five cards into the Major Arcanum. So, without writing a paper on the patriarchy let’s dig into my nuanced view of the archetypical father, ruler and ultimately god. 

Let’s get the gender issue over with straight away. Like the empress, if in your life the archetypical father is not a man, no big deal, then that person can be represented. The Emperor is at its most basic a person who wields a lot of formal power in your life. Simple as that. My boss for example – which is a very typical interpretation of the Emperor card – is a woman and she has a lot of power over many aspects of my life. If it wouldn’t be for the large amounts of confidence I have in her, it would be scary how much power she has.

> Renaissance Tarot Emperor: secret 4 legshake and birds. 

Symbolism

The fact that the emperor’s card is numbered 4 is no coincidence, not only is the four figure the symbol of both the planet and god Jupiter, is also the number most strongly associated with stability (think legs of tables or chairs, limbs of mammals, the four corners of the world, a house has four walls, a year has four seasons, but let’s not get too numerological, shall we?). Some cards represent the emperor with one leg crossed, mimicking the number four, like in the Secret Tarot. There will be some birds, representing the sky gods of many cultures meaning power, royalty, strength and good fortune (think Roman, Russian or German emperors that all have bird symbols). Also: crowns, scepter, suits of armour (the protective side of masculinity), thrones and whatnot. Also horns, horns represent penises. 

Sometimes mountains are depicted which might be a bit confusing for some muggles. This can only be understood by understanding the emperor as opposed to and in harmony with the empress. Where the empress has wheat for fertility and growth, the emperor has mountains for infertility and stability. Growth is very nice but one needs a certain doses of stability in life. Fertility and reproducing are all fun and games but someone needs to protect all that growth. I think it’s a nice metaphor for masculinity: (temporary) power without fertility, defending what the empress creates and takes care of. 

> The Rider-Waite Emperor: mountains, penises, I mean horns and good old fashioned bearded ruler. 

I admit not only lack of time withheld me from writing about the emperor. As a deeply masculine card I - as a man who only reluctantly and not that often identifies as a man but can’t really pinpoint what to identify as, or indeed if I need to identify at all - I do not feel qualified to write about the man. But as is often the case: I couldn’t be more wrong. Due to my struggle with, contemplation, participation and perception of and some distance to masculinity I am perfectly placed to write about it.

Upright meaning

I absolutely believe that masculinity needs a new, positive, inclusive definition that inspires people (not just men) to do good. One such view that heavily influenced me was nurturance culture.  

A genderless world where no good (or bad) personality trait is gendered, is not anywhere in the cards (see what I did there?). So how do we as a society give a positive and inspiring content to the idea of masculinity? One of the possible answers are the 4 positive characteristics of the emperor: protection, practicality, authority and structure. 

Sure, I’ll argue against all four of them when talking about other cards, but the tarot is about exploring all sides of the human condition and these 4 have value as well and are all four historically associated with masculinity. Is masculinity in a crisis? Yes, it most certainly is; it has been reduced to a destructive cliché where it used to be kaleidoscopic concept. Not by feminists, but by men themselves. We have not emancipated ourselves. In stead of evolving like women did the last century, we have retreated into an ever more meager concept of masculinity. This is my attempt to reconstruct the notion of inclusive manliness. 

Pillar 1: protection

You gotta fight, for your right, to party. - The Beastie Boys

Know that feeling when you broke down, when you are at your most vulnerable and you find comfort and protection in someone’s arms? I could be talking about a man who protects you late at night in some shady alley from a knife-gang but honestly: how many times are we in need of that? And how much have we needed someone to just be around us, silently but firmly comforting us. Protection and defense imply some potential for destruction but that does not need to be a bad thing if the thing that is being destroyed is a bad thing. Be protective.

Pillar 2: practicality

Yes, I am talking about being able to handle power tools, finish an Ikea closet in 15 minutes and fixing your bike. Cliché much? Yes, but it’s a decent and good quality. While the empress listens to how you had a bike accident and fixes that bleeding knee, the emperor is silently repairing your bike in the shed without you knowing and what after the whole debacle and you find out, makes you smile again. Silent, humble work. Thinking of the small things, the pro’s and con’s and getting on with it. This is where the repressed emotions come into play. Not necessarily a bad thing if not taken too far. There is nothing wrong with temporarily repressing emotions to get shit done as long as you deal with them later on. Sometimes the trash just needs to be taken outside, a meal cooked, a kitchen cleaned or a day at the office endured. Postpone emotions, don’t bottle them up. Be practical.

> left: emperor by kindanddemon > right: emperor by skullsquid

Pillar 3: authority

Both having it/using it as well as dealing with it. Yes, I would also like to live on an island in a sea of mutual respect where there is no need for authority but let’s just wake up shall we? Authority is a thing and we need to deal with it. Easiest way is being an authority yourself. And I mean that in a good way. Standing for something, believing in something, without dogma or rigidness but open and evolving. You could also call it privilege, there’s a lot of it out there and like a sword it should be used and wielded for good, to shield (another symbol you will often find on the card) those who do not have it. Privilege is a real thing, you can’t get rid of it (by yourself or in a short amount of time) but you can use it for good. The emperor tells us to use our gifts (remember the magician?) for good, to be ambitious, not at the cost of others but to the benefit of all. Deserve respect. 

Pillar 4: structure

The stability in number 4 is also associated with structure, systems, procedures and ultimately rules and laws. They exist for a reason and should be there for the good of all. The empress negotiates and compromises, the emperor confirms this by making rules that sustain this peace. I honestly believe everyone can use some structure, some system, some good habits, some good routines, rules you live by. Maybe not 100% of the time, no one asks you to be perfect, no one asks the rules to be perfect. Even the apparent chaos of nature obeys the laws of physics. Constructing order from chaos has its benefits. Yes chaos nurtures – in an empress kind of way – the new and creative, order protects what is fragile and needs to be maintained. Construct systems that benefit you. 

> The Wild Unknown Emperor: The emperor depicted as a large tree overlooking the forest, growing by the bright light of the midday sun, deeply and firmly rooted in the soil. 

The emperor can be anyone or anything that radiates the qualities above, not just a person (your father, husband, boss or landlord) but also an institution: government agencies, large corporations, the army etc. 

Reverse meaning

"Our fathers were our models for God. If our fathers bailed, what does that tell you about God?" - Tyler Durden in Fight Club

When the emperor appears reversed in your reading you are hugely and utterly fucked. At its base meaning this card represents power and now that immense power is turned against you in one of three ways:

Opposite: the opposite of manliness is not femininity, get that in your head as soon as possible. The opposite of power is powerlessness, not receiving the responsibility you need; the opposite of protection is getting hurt. The opposite of practicality is inertness, laziness, meddling without achieving, not really trying, not having the required skill without anyone around to help you. The opposite of authority is slavery, submission, believing yourself to be weaker than you are. The opposite of a stable structure that perpetuates good is destructive chaos, not knowing where to start, being confused, having to start over and over again because nothing is fundamentally anchored.  

cock-blocked: The emperor is blocked somehow. You are unable to assert yourself, maybe lost in a maze of regulations, rules and procedures. You are maybe protecting the wrong things or people. You might think you are practical but got something wrong (it’s mostly not the Ikea manual that is wrong or the piece that is faulty, it is most certainly, you). 

Taken too far: This is the domain of toxic masculinity. Yes this is a thing, I suffer from it every day. Masculinity is a prison. This kind is anyway. Defense becomes unwarranted offence, violence, abuse of physical strength, this is the bully knocking you a bleeding nose and your father raping you. This is thinking you can fix everything, that everything is logical and practical and being blind to the emotional, spiritual or natural things in life. This is abuse of authority, corruption, back chamber politics, chauvinism. It is structural sexism, racism and a system that only exists to benefit itself not the people in it. And it is all turned against you. 

One card spread – meditation on the emperor:

"Life seems so much simpler when you're fixing things." - Anakin skywalker in Attack of the Clones

The Emperor is the first break we get in a way. In a very – too – short version of our path up until now the fool asks us to unapologetically be ourselves, the magician asks us to be able, the high priestess begs us to be knowledgeable. The emperor asks us to consolidate that into a system, a structure so what we have achieved so far can be defended. It’s about creating habits that benefit you, assert yourself as you are, yourself, able and knowledgeable without shame or hesitation. Use your abilities as a weapon against injustice. But we’re turning too abstract, I know. Let’s be more practical. Answer all the following questions and jot down one action per question that you can do in the next four days:

Ask yourself what is going well in your life and how you can anchor that in your life. How can you make it last?

Who or what in your immediate environment needs protection (or comfort, or help) and how can you provide that? Does something need fighting and which weapon in your arsenal is best suited?

When were you last intimidated by authority? What characteristic was intimidating? Do you possess that characteristic? Imagine yourself unintimidated in that same situation. What is needed to get you there?

Do you own something that is broken? Try to fix it. (Just like there is an inherent value to growing things crf. the empress, fixing things is itself a healing action).

TLDR: Upright meaning: power, protection, practicality, authority, order Reverse meaning: powerlessness, impotence, confusion, chaos, abuse of power

#a muggle guide to tarot #tarot #tarot readings #the emperor #emperor #007 #major arcana #the emperor reversed #emperor reversed #cartomancy

[critical-analysis]

Consent in TTRPGs, the RP Experience as Collaborative Storytelling, and the Importance of Trust between Players and GMs

I wanted to have the first of the two essays I put up this weekend to be specifically Critical Role related, but this one just ended up being the first one I finished, so it's the first one I'm posting.

As I said, it's not specifically about Critical Role, but it is about tabletop role playing, and Critical Role is kind of a prime example of what I'm going to be talking about, so I think it's appropriate to post here. This isn't something I'll be doing a ton of, posting essays about general TTRPGs, but I might do it here and there if I'm inspired to write something.

This is about consent in TTRPGs, and if you're someone who's very much a "the GM is the end all be all and their say is the only one that matters” type, you probably are going to want to leave now. I mean, I’d love it if you were open minded enough to keep reading and maybe learn something, but I’ve dealt with a lot of these types before, so I know that isn’t likely. 

There's been a lot of talk lately (particularly last week) about the idea of consent in TTRPG. For anyone who doesn't know, when we're talking about consent in this way we're talking about people consenting to what kind of content they interact with in a game. Our world is a big and complicated one, which means that many people have had experiences that might make certain content triggering to them. As such, many people want to talk about what they're agreeing to when they join a game. This can happen in the form of a conversation with the GM, it can happen in what's called a consent form, it can be a combination of both.

There has been a rather defensive response on the part of some GMs that tends to be along the lines of anything from "they're the players, they can't tell me how to run my story" to "I need these various things (rape, racism, graphic depictions of violence, etc.) to tell my story". Basically, at the end of the day, most of them have one major thing in common: the GM declaring "it's MY story."

And that, I think, is the biggest problem, the reason these GMs are so offended by the idea of consent in these games, and the problem with why their stance is so out of step with what tabletop role playing games are.

These games are a collaborative storytelling experience. It is no one person's story. It's widely accepted in the overall TTRPG community that a GM that artlessly railroads their players because their players aren't following the exact story lines they want them to follow is not a good GM, specifically because the point of these games is for everyone to create a story together. The GM builds the world, creates many of the people in it, sets up the threads for the players to follow and guides them along those threads, but how the players explore those threads is their decision. The story is supposed to come together from both the GM and the players.

A lot of GMs undervalue the storytelling input that the players should be having on the world and story they've created. Players build their backstories, and those backstories should have a place in filling out that world and the story threads the GM has woven together. The paths the players choose to follow determine which stories are told. How they react to different things determine how the story unfolds. Without the players, it's just a world with loose story strands. These games need the players to actually fulfill the stories that are laid out for them. It's a major part of the storytelling for these games, and it needs to be respected as such.

Which means GMs can't view it as just THEIR story. They need to respect that it's the story of everyone at the table. And that everyone at the table, player and GM alike, aren't just telling the story, they're experiencing it. Studies have shown that our brains experience stories we're told as if they're actually happening to us (source). When you add to that the way TTRPGs work, with people playing as these characters they've created, that inevitably have some piece of who they are in them, whether they even realize it or not, the storytelling experience of these games is going to be incredibly emotional and intense. Yes, some people might feel that more than others, and some might feel it less than others. But the idea of that emotionally intense experience shouldn't be disregarded by any means just because some people might not feel it as much as others.

Because of that connection players have to their characters, because of the way our brains react to storytelling, role playing can be a very vulnerable experience for even the most well balanced and emotionally healthy person. Studies have shown that people who play TTRPGs show more empathy than control subjects (source). Which means that they’re going to develop deeper empathic connections to both their own characters and other characters, and experiencing certain things in game as a character, or seeing those things happen to another character, whether the player themselves are in character or out of character, is something that can have a strong effect, beyond just “being shocked” or “feeling something”. Because of how our brains experience stories, and because of the levels of empathy players often have, such an experience can end up feeling very real on an emotional level. For someone who has been through trauma or who struggles emotionally and/or mentally, it's going to be so much more emotional. Players need to be able to trust that when they put themselves in their GM's hands to guide them through this story that their GM is going to make an effort to not hurt them.

Some GMs have tried to excuse their violation of their players trust or their refusal to gain consent first by saying things like "no, I'm empowering them by giving them the chance to be powerful in the situation" or "I'm helping them face their issues and overcome them". To which I have a pretty simple response: No. You don't get to decide when and how people confront their issues. You don't know that putting them in that situation is going to make them feel empowered. You don't know that it's going to help them face their issues. You don't get to make the decision about what's good and healthy for them. You are not their doctor, you are not their mental health care provider. Not only do you not get to make that choice for them, you are not trained to treat them. You don't know how to do it in a safe, healthy, and effective way. People play these games for different reasons, and while some people might play to feel powerful in situations where they might otherwise feel powerless, many other people are just looking to escape the pain and stress of their lives, and bringing in their stressors and traumas ruin that for them, and you don’t get to make the choice for them of whether or not they should be confronting thees things. Yes, people do use these games to work through issues. But they do it on their own terms. Forcing them is not okay. If you guys talk about it and they agree to it (without feeling like they're being pressured to do so), then that's okay. But that's consent, and that's what we're talking about here. 

There are examples all over the internet now of games where GMs recognize the collaborative aspect of TTRPGs and work together with their players to tell a story rather than against them. Really, one of the reason these shows are so good and so popular is because the GMs and players embrace that it's a collaborative storytelling experience, and it makes the stories great. Critical Role is a great example of this. Matt Mercer is an amazing storyteller. He has built, and is continuing to build, an incredibly, fascinating, eclectic world, full of interesting people, with different cultures and belief systems and ideas and ways of life. But there are 6-7 other incredibly storytellers at the table, who create deep, complex backstories for their characters, backstories that both create parts of the world and fold in pre-existing parts. They take the world that Matt has given them and create characters to live in it, with backstories that use parts of the world he's given them, and Matt takes parts of those characters and their backstories to create new parts of the world and new story threads. The story, the entire world, is a collaborative effort with Matt and all the players working together to create the overall world and story. And Matt is sensitive to what his players need, is always mindful of making it fun for everyone. He doesn't bulldoze what his players are trying to do with their characters or force them into things they aren't comfortable with for the sake of "his story". Critical Role would not be what it is if Matt Mercer was the kind of DM who looked at the game as HIS story.

These games are supposed to be fun and fulfilling for everyone, GM and players alike. Which means being flexible. Sometimes it means compromise. Just as being a player means operating under the understanding that you're playing in a world with an established history and rules set forth by your GM, being a GM means operating under the understanding that your players and what they want is just as important to the story as what you've created, and that some things require flexibility. If you, as a GM, would have your fun completely ruined by someone needing a slight change made to your story, then being GM is not for you. Most of the things being discussed when the topic of consent in TTRPGs come up should not be necessary to tell an overall story. You should not NEED rape, or child abuse, or bigotry, or graphic depictions of sex or violence, etc. to tell your stories. If you DO “need” those things, you aren’t a very creative storyteller. Respecting consent in TTRPGs is not about completely overhauling your entire world and story.

This does not mean that some games just aren't for some players. There's a difference between someone being triggered by the kind of dark themes one would get in a horror game and it therefor being decided that a certain group isn't for them and a player asking the GM to avoid graphic descriptions of drowning because of their drowning related trauma and being told "no, either you accept it or you're out". And if someone's needs could potentially hinder someone else's enjoyment, it's entirely okay for there to be a discussion that ends in an agreement that they might want to find another game. I had an instance of a player who was both asexual and a survivor of sexual assault, and because of that they weren't just uncomfortable with their character being involved in any kind of romantic or sexual situation, but with any character being involved in romantic or sexual situations. That was something that would have effected the enjoyment of other players, since I knew that a few of the group members really enjoyed those aspects of game play, so we agreed that our game just wasn't the one they were looking for. There was an instance in another game where I had another player who was a survivor of sexual assault who struggled with sexual content in games. We were able to discuss it between us, and then the group, and come to the agreement that while the other players could pursue or have romantic/sexual content and such in their stories, that there would be no graphic descriptions or discussions, and that the player in question’s character was entirely off limits for such things. But that's the big thing there: they were conversations. We talked about what they needed, we discussed whether or not what they needed would hinder the overall story, whether it would effect the enjoyment of other players, and whether or not there were compromises we could come to that would work for everyone (and I want to be clear here: when I talk about compromises being made, I'm not just talking about compromises that players might make. The GM needs to be willing to compromise as well). These aren't just your players or potential players. They're your co-storytellers (or potential co-storytellers). Basically, if you forego any discussion and just treat it as "my way or the highway", you're GMing wrong.

Honestly, this relatively recent topic of GMs refusing to have these discussions with their players and agree to informed consent when it comes to gameplay is just a new (newish, new in it actually being discussed) part of a much older problem that happens in TTRPGs, and that's inflexible GMs who treat it as THEIR story and THEIR game, refusing to recognize or respect the importance of their players in the storytelling experience. As I've said before, they refuse to look at it as a collaborative storytelling experience where everyone is supposed to have fun and they only look at it as what they want to do. This isn't just a case of a GM who's a hardass about certain rules. It's not even necessarily about the kind of GM that favors rules over story. This is a problem of GMs who treat the entire endeavor as THEIR story, THEIR artistic vision, THEIR thing, and treat the players as simply being their to facilitate it.

I understand the allure of looking at it that way, or rather, I can see how someone would be drawn to TTRPGs and start to look at it that way. Having players there to interact with your story can sort of give you instant gratification of response in a way other forms of storytelling often don't. It's a way of telling a story that HAS to be consumed. So it makes sense that people who want to tell stories but who haven't gotten much response to anything they've posted or online, or who haven't been published for whatever reason, would be drawn to these kinds of games. Honestly, it makes sense why anyone who wants to tell stories would be drawn to these games. They become a GM because they want to tell stories, but they either don't understand that these games aren't just one person telling a story, that it's a collaborative process. Or they don't WANT the collaborative aspect.

I'm sure that a good number of these types of GMs are also players who were expecting to be able to tell their own story or do whatever they wanted when they played, who got mad when their GM didn't let them monopolize their story and shove out the other players stories, or when their GM just didn't let them do whatever they wanted. I'm sure we've all seen at least one GM like this, who didn't have the power to completely control the story when they were the player, so they became a GM because they interpreted "wouldn't let me completely take over the narrative" as "controls every aspect of the story".

Whichever type they are, wherever they come from and whatever their reasons, they're people who treat the gameplay and storytelling experience as theirs and theirs alone, that it's their story completely and that the players are just there to be used to tell it. They completely misunderstand what being a GM is, what TTRPGs are supposed to be right down to their very core. It's a collaborative process, where EVERYONE at the table is creating a story together. It's an emotional experience that can be very vulnerable, and that takes a lot of trust. You need to be understanding, you need to be flexible, and you need to be willing to compromise. Sometimes the players might go down a different path than you expect. Sometimes they might not be interested in the big flashy story you're throwing at them. And sometimes they might need a small concession in order for their experience to feel safe and happy.

If you're unwilling to be flexible in those cases, then you probably shouldn't be a GM.

And that's okay. Being a GM isn't for everyone. It requires A LOT of work. Not even just in the planning of the actual game and story, but in continually communicating with your players and making sure everything is okay. You should always have an open discussion with your players before a game starts, or before someone joins a game, about what they want out of the game, what they might need from you, and about whether or not your game is the kind of game they're looking for. You need to be constantly communicating with them making sure they're not uncomfortable with anything that's happening in the story or at the table. You need to make sure things are good between the players and that nobody is making anyone else feel unsafe or uncomfortable. Collaborative storytelling, creating characters and essentially living as them for hours at a time, it's a fun and entertaining game, yes, but it's also an emotional experience that requires a certain amount of vulnerability, and the players need to that support from their GM. If you're not willing to put in the work required to off that support, then again, being a GM might not be for you.

There are a lot of different ways to be a storyteller. Sure, maybe not all of them have the instant interaction that TTRPGs have, but if you're not willing to accept TTRPGs for what they are (collaborative storytelling experiences where everyone's input matters and where everyone's enjoyment and safety are important), then you shouldn't get into it. Just as you shouldn't get into any field or medium without understanding and respecting what it is. If you don't want to share the story and support your fellow storytellers, then don't be a GM. Find a different way to tell a story. Don't put other people's safety, enjoyment, and storytelling experience at risk just because you want that instantaneous interaction.

If you're unwilling to be flexible in your storytelling to help your players have the best experience possible, you're not a good GM. And, quite frankly, if you have to resort to things like rape, bigotry, etc. in order to "shock" your players or your readers, then you aren't a very good storyteller, either.  

#ttrpgs #critical role #dnd

[sacredarts-blog1]

~ Return Announcement ~

*dramatic upset YouTuber sigh* I'm so not ready for this, but it's time.

So, I'm back.

Why was I  gone? Where did I go? Why did I come back? Will I stay? I don't know if anyone is asking these questions, but I hope there are some people who still care.

I'll cut right to it - I left out of fear.

I also left out of a severe identity crisis - which has, in truth been building up since at least 2015. I haven't been diagnosed with anything yet, but I will be soon. It has been a very lonely experience though.

Now, the fear. I have a particular kind of phobia - a paranoia - but now I have a plan on how to deal with it. Because this debilitating fear is also the thing that is leading me to my ultimate destination in this life. This fear is what always stops me from pursuing spiritual & psychic matters, after a certain point. I guess it happens whenever I get too strong, or get certain dreams, or have this increasing sense that I am not alone (whether in a good or bad way, it still disturbs me). I just lose my grip on reality, and on myself, because all these things that happen go way beyond what's normal. And then I freak out, afraid to lose myself.

When I was younger, having just gotten into this stuff, my biggest fear was self-delusion. Convincing myself, or someone else, of something that wasn't true - but appeared to be true because I really want it to be, or really fear it to be. That came to pass, of course. I went through all of that, and so I am not afraid of self-doubt anymore, because now I know how to trust myself, and I know how to recognize denialism and myside bias. I am also completely intuitive now. I know when something doesn't feel right. But there is this thing in my family where the dominant fear becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. My grandfather was afraid of ghosts. After he died, he showed up as a spirit multiple times to my uncle. My uncle, on the other hand, was always afraid of getting brainwashed. He wouldn't even watch TV or listen to pop music or anything, knew nothing about mainstream culture. Well, he ended up joining a cult. My mother's biggest, deepest fear is to be forever alone, to be single and never be in love or have a normal family, a normal home. This has been exactly true for the past 23 years. And me? I have many fears and phobias, but when it comes to the dominant one which has haunted me since childhood, it is very simple. The fear and hatred of evil. True evil. Demons, torturers, dictators, rapists, pedophiles, organized crime, any kind of coercive authority, whatever represented coercive force, oppression, violence, corruption, whatever we look at and say "that's inhuman" or "soulless" or "monstrous" - not to be confused with the fear of the unknown. But I constantly think about it. Everything I do, read, listen to, whatever, always somehow comes back to it. And how come evil is part of human nature - is it human nature? I've been entirely evil at times too. No empathy. Scary stuff.

I don't know where this fear comes from. I do not come from a religious background and I have no experience with this. I can only say it could come from my past life, due to some very bizarre behaviors I had as a child, my photographic memory recall, my borderline DID, the dreams I've had at night, and my deep fascination and fear of mind control, medical and historical torture, cults and identity disorders. Why is this relevant? Because whenever I'd get into spiritual & psychic stuff, I would eventually come to a point where my reality would start to shift. I won't go into detail, but I get this sense that I am opening gates to another world. I don't understand that world, no matter how "wise" and "experienced" I may come across. I fear to attract certain energies. I blame certain things in the past on my dabbling with witchcraft, Tarot, crystals, divination, paganism... I end up either turning hardcore Christian or militant atheist, to protect myself, and distance myself from all of this. But now I know that's not going to work. That this is just going to keep repeating, until I will drift back to this again, because something is calling me, and so much good can come from it. My intention is always pure. But I feel so vulnerable and alone. I can never explain it to anyone. Other people I meet are either focused entirely on the good, light aspects of the spiritual world. Or they romanticise the dark as "misunderstood" or something, and see occult as just another tool. Yet evil exists. Morals exist. But nobody could explain to me, in this fucked up world, what's what. So I'm going to find out for myself. I have to defeat my fear or it will catch up with me, just as it did the rest of my family.

I'm doing the same thing outside of my spiritual life. I'm studying music and business and doing a lot of research into psychology and history. My main intention is to find out what's going in our entertainment industry in the West. What's up with these musicians saying they sold their soul to the devil? Or the actual occult symbolism in music? The greed, corruption and lack of authenticity disturbs me. There's other things I want to do in music that are completely unrelated to these, but it's the main driving force. I want to know why Beyonce would need to completely disassociate from herself on stage by becoming Sasha Fierce, to say "that's not me up there, I wouldn't do that", why Britney would shave her hair in an attempt to "get them out" of her head, and many other artists take on alter-personas too. It could be totally harmless. It could be just a conspiracy theory, though the psychological pressure and insane social demands put on these artists is clear for anyone to see. But that's exactly what I want to find out, not theorize about, because I've seen artists that I care about start off authentic and real and end up like soulless dolls who are nothing like what they used to be. Like what the hell is up with that??? I wish people wouldn't have to do that, that they could be themselves and create from the heart, instead of having to force themselves to do what they would never normally do. As Wilde's tragic hero Dorian Grey said: "The soul is a terrible reality. It can be bought, and sold, and bartered away. It can be poisoned or made perfect. There is a soul in each of us, I know it."

So now I want to balance both worlds, and dive into my fears. If I sense something dark, I'll try to understand it, and to get help from someone I trust. I'll read about science as much as spirituality, I'll try to always maintain a balance in everything I do, even if what I'm going to do is extreme. Evil is, after all, something that also deeply fascinates and excites me, not just scares me. But equally, I want to know what is it that's good, and pure. Purity, innocence, liberty, authenticity, passion - are things dearest to my heart.

Where did I go?

I have been completely alone and isolated for almost two months now, as my mother has gone away to another country, started fasting, and I have deleted my social media, stopped going to classes and stopped going to work. I have went completely into myself. I have been caught in an endless cycle of death and rebirth for years now and I endeavoured to figure out how to finally "break the wheel" as it were. I did everything I could. Now I'm emerging, but I don't know anything about myself anymore. I feel like a wisp of smoke. I've realized my true nature is beyond ego, beyond identity. It's always changing, going with the flow. I've been suffering because I've been trying to hold onto a coherent self-identity, some kind of ego that I don't actually have, because everyone else seems to know who they are and what they're like. I always envied that, because I change so damn often, day by day. My moods entirely affect my speech, behavior, preferences, styles, interests, aesthetics - everything. I thought there was something wrong with me, makes me fickle and shallow. But I've made peace with that now. Perhaps that's my unique strength - to be able to experience and understand all sides, all ways of being, everything as it is. Like as a great stained-glass cathedral.

Why did I come back? Will I stay?

I came back because I need help, and because I know that whatever happens, the worst I can do is do it alone. I came back because I realize that I can help and guide others, whatever way I can, and that you can do the same in return for me. To generate goodness, healing, understanding. Even if I feel nobody can ever understand me because wow I'm so deep and complex and unique!!! In the end, I want to create a strong support system. To be part of a community without over-identifying myself with it as I used to, which again, brought me suffering and identity crisis. We're all different and have different gifts, and there is something to learn from everyone. Everyone knows something you don't. I want to know what it means to belong, to connect, because I feel I have been deprived of it, no matter how hard I tried. I've been arrogant and extremely resistant to joining any groups or movements or saying anything that's been said already. I always wanted something that would last forever, soulmate sort of stuff. But I forgot that the most fundamental aspect of this world is transience. That's what makes it so heartachingly beautiful, so valuable. Forever is in a moment, though things return in another form after a while... I may not stay, in the long-term, but what I want to do is grow and expand. So that if I leave, you can come with me to do something more than this. But it won't be like dropping and running or getting bored, the way I used to do it. It's more like a stream joining a river. That's the kind of mindset I have now. I have an actual vision for myself and all of us, but you'll just have to trust me on this one, as I try to trust in myself.

What's next?

Next, I will be doing readings for all of you. Starting with small, general stuff - scrying, Oracle, Tarot. So, you ask a question, and I answer. I haven't decided on specialized categories like love readings, past life, career etc. so just whatever's on your mind, really, even if it's just "anything I need to know?" I'll almost always write about what your energy feels like, though. Your current vibration.

I will also have a new payment policy - which is Pay What You Think It Is Worth. Even if it's just 20c, every single penny matters deeply to me. Like I can't even describe it. It's not the quantity that matters, but what it means to you. You don't have to pay, but if you don't, I'll assume the reading was worthless.

I will also accept private readings now, which people can request if they want more detailed readings.

I have a lot of unread messages left over from months back, and those will be cleared. If I didn't get to yours, you can write me again!

I will be replying to readings almost everyday, except Sundays. I don't have a set number of how many readings I will do a day, but I'll do as many as I can. This may be anywhere from 5 to 20 or more different readings. First come first served, whether on IM or Inbox. There may be exceptions.

I'll also be removing/editing my "services" page and the layout of my blog, but the mobile theme will remain exactly the same :)

If you read all of this, or even some of it, I personally consider you my friend. Hello, and thank you.

~Ciel

#you dont have to read this omg #this is just an unnecessarily detailed fyi #but yeah hi #more updates coming soon #update

[startwithbrooklyn]

THE GREAT ND REWATCH OF 2021 / OCTOBER 5, 2019 // return of josh

oooookay folks! that's a wrap! below are my comments about tonight's ep + additional expansions on previously stated opinions. i'm not combining s2 ep 1 with this bc s2 is dead to me! so is s3! i only did this to gather up all these loose thoughts i had when this show with its one lonely season became such a comfort to me that i developed a second consciousness about it. but with these posts i am done! the evil is defeated! i will carry on through the 3rd and hopefully final season of nancy drew with less emotion and better spirits. thank god.

-"talk to owen" nancy firstly thinks of talking to owen only to see what happens w the agleaca; saying goodbye comes as sorta an afterthought mirroring tiffany's possession of george. yet nancy was unable to say goodbe to owen just like w kate. knowing this reveal about kate, i wonder if this was foreshadowing that something big will be revealed about him later? unlikely but still

-nancy + the reality of broken things: 'totems' like broken sand glass sculpture (good place) to show you it's not a dream; "owen broke that" ghost trap to ground him to reality, like how she reached for her locket in the good place, lucy's charm, ace's bear ('totems' idea borrowed from inception)

-george has never been an affectionate person, even with other women- so why does pda with nick suddenly become so important?

-lots of comments about ryan + women but what about carson/kate and karen? again with the hypocritical (interestingly, there is an aspect of violence to women connected with ryan (even though that violence is not his fault); but its not like kate or karen fared well either)

-ryan feels useless- relationships with women as stated by nancy- he seeks to redeem himself by showing up where nancy goes to prove he is good to have around/necessary/needed - but now that he is attempting to act as a parent he has to break through nancy's defenses all over again- firstly she didnt really consider him any kind of threat bc he comes off as incompetent- ie bad business deals- i think i mentioned last ep, their hauntings equalize them as they both attempt to gain peace by searching for answers but now ryan has changed the terms of engagement so he's back to square one, with carson. (which is how we find them s2 cowering in ryans car stalking nancy together)

-ryan's relationship to nancy exposes an interesting layer here. so far she doesnt know about nick/george but they still hold the cards (ie george gets one over on nick's ex/"the new girl") with the revelation of ryan being nancys father, nancy gains an interesting trump card in navigating the social fallout of being nick's ex. like george would take the new spot but then nancy comes out with george's ex in a much higher category. this plays out later on in the ep when george confronts ryan. george wants to talk about "them" but ryan shows up completely focused on nancy, thus illustrating the trump

-"i thought it was whitney with another insipid question" to me this sounds like whitney took bess's advice earlier about "asking aunt diana what she wants" (only to learn it actually annoyed the hell out of diana lmaoo)

-"then you need to fight for it" this hearkens nancy earlier by asking "arent you in by virtue of dna?" the test was positive; she is a marvin just like nancy is a hudson. thats not a fact that they can change. however, diana really acts like it can be changed- and in s2 we see it does change. its interesting for bess to be told to fight to be in a family she's already in and also foiled by nancy trying to fight her way out of her own family. would like to see bess stand up to diana and say something. i mean, she exists. as much as she may want to erase bess from the family, diana cannot erase her existence

-hannah's rolled up sleeves 💙

-"previous keepers records" -from s2- were those not her parents??

-mistaken murderers- everyone incorrectly assumes lucy was murdered just as they assume the agleaca killed owen

-even if owen weren't the price, how can they pay the toll without one of the people who called? i mean if it was anything other than owen and he still died they still wouldve been fucked

-"you don't need to check, i'm not even driving!" okay and giving up the goss. cassidy is me. lmfaoooo

-wonder if this locked marvin industries box will ever come back

-UNPOPULAR OPINION: george's confrontation with ryan comes waytoo late to do anything. i think i brought this up in an earlier post. its literally just her screaming at him now. like he is clocked out moved on. you know a good time for this scene? in the claw when he comes by to "check on her". hes vulnerable, fresh from rehab. and she has a chit over him for punching bookcases/the fuckin country club deal. therewould have been a perfect time to confront ryan on what happened- "what you did to me" okay sis. you admitted ep 1 you werent in hs anymore. youre of age now. admit you fucked up. take the L to force him to swallow the bigger L. and imagine how much more powerful the scene would have been- in george's domain, literally her own office, something ryan doesnt even have because HE DOESNT DO SHIT. ryan is SO EASY to trap but nobody notices. instead they have george try to get some kind of apology out of him when hes already done with that, and only for the sake of her establishing a new relaionship to boot. imagine how much more empowered she would feel if she just got that closure for herself- because she needed it, not so she could trot straight back to nick being all proud of calling a grown man to some random estate only to scream at him in a parking lot and have accomplished nothing. 🤦🏼‍♀️

-i get patrice thinking nancy is lucy but yeahhhhh this isnt how dementia works 😬

-i almost cant with nance and josh. how do you save your would-be murderer? (+ lucy's best friend and brother are in jail, her mom is lost to her mentally; all she has left is nancy and ryan)

-tbh i had no idea how to spell agleaca until bess said "theres no i in agleaca!" i thought it was igleaka like 😂

-damn how george just stares at nicks hand and then gets out herself is just so sad (like she immediately rectifies it but still...)

-"curiosity" part II; nancy who comes back to the sea after her mother died in it- agleaca drawn to lucy's trauma/to agleaca, lucy died fir "love"- would nancy be willing to risk the same? // this is also one of nancy's "mirroring mom" moments: winning sea queen, going to the velvet masque, getting caught by celia, having a "chat" with everett, and "falling" off the bluffs

-the collector 🎵👌🏻

-i wonder if there's any significance to the locations/means of their deaths; nancy's is pretty straight forward in terms of where and how, but why george and nick drowning, in the truck specifically? drowning in love? idk. ace's at the claw i get, but he gets himself caught? in what precisely? what does the fish hook mean? and bess's makes the least sense- burning alive? in the marvin estate? maybe the agleaca picked the most painful death for the marvin blood relation? idk. up for debate lmk ya thoughts

and lastly:

-i remember seeing this ending for the first time and i had just been traumatized by avengers endgame and since black widow is also a redhead seeing that shit at the bottom of the cliff it was like 😰😰😰 TOO SOON

-random thoughts-

these are just things i noticed, feel free to grapple with them or take note of them for extrapolation in s3 (lord knows i wont be) they probably belonged in recaps for previous eps but i either didnt find them in my notebook or couldnt fit them in

•nancy and truth/the perception of truth: using facts to suit theories instead of creating theories to suit facts- nancy often plays with the perception of truth and the details that fall between the steps; but she is also a victim to them by people who also know how to play the game (ie Carson) ex lying about the dress (tea cups and knives, trash got picked up, bail paid 1 hr ago) her inferences can be off from what others tell her ("people always lie") but she can also come to the wrong conclusions organically (carsons trial) more willing to believe the best in others/wanting them to be innocent (think nick ep 1) but later finding out the truths hurts more so she chooses to isolate herself and avoid involving others to be spared pain

•maybe i'm dumb, but who is "mr marvin" exactly? owen? the bald guy from the funeral? this comes from the guy who takes sailboats out like ep 4ish and says "ive worked for the marvins 20 years" she compliments the ship, he says "mr marvin and i just took her out this morning" so?? who is that? plus last ep just saying cassidy and isaac are her "late husbands children" dows thet mean sebastian? like did diana marry in? i feel like it would be odd for her to so embrace the "marvin way" if she wasnt a true born marvin

•ik college becomes a more s2 topic but none of the crew have ever been to college 🤔

•nick + the relationships with people whose reputations are tarnished: tiffany with investigating the hudsons/marvins, josh with murder/attempted murder, kate and 'stealing'/lying about nancy (esp compared to her almost preternatural kindness i mentioned before), george and her mom/family's reputations --> this kind of segues into nick + the concept of believing people you love could be capable of horrific things- accidental or on purpose (see- having to tell his family what happened)

•at the beginning, nancy kind of seems to be the "i'm sorry you're upset" kind of apologist and knows it. she also doesnt usually apologize earnestly bc shes never really sorry (she always has to get what she needs first ie coins mess) and she doesnt want to lie; to me it seems she doesnt like to bother with other people bc they require certain cues/niceties that are often lies- they ask "how are you" without meaning it, they dont really want an honest response except "fine", they dont like it when you call them out on fakeness, etc/ they require apologies for their bruised feelings even if youre right (and nancy can be pretty rude/nasty if provoked- a harshness unsoftened by sympathy)

•cont'd from the good place ep- since kate apparently means nothing to nancy anymore according to last ep ("stop calling her my mother") is her policy of "always seek the truth" now null and void? this mantra is now tainted bc the person who gave it to her broke it so much. can nancy disengage w it now? does she fall from grace to be complicit in "mysteries" of her own like everyone else? does she lose some of her "god-like" holier than thou act bc she is now literally born and raised in the "darkness" of sins/ugly truths like everyone else's? (ie truth is ugly but not to nancy, until now)

•did lucy disappear because her "murder" was finally solved? or simply because her trauma was addressed- she never meant to tell anyone about her suicide plans, the twisted trauma of which was too great to contain/unable to move on due to "sin" - or unable to move on because secret of nancy's parentage still remained? "lucy never wanted me to figure out how she died" she only wanted nancy to figure out her parentage without solving the mystery, yet did lucy see/witness nancy's revelation at the claw, or with carson, or even ryan? waiting for karen/josh to know? or just vanished?

•concept of imperfect mom figures- lucy, kate, celia, victoria, even karen- who all struggle with failings

•since karen dispelled one of lucy's attempts at nancy's haunting at the garden party, is that proof she isn't haunting karen?

•the crew + needing adult help: george's possession and victoria, club busted and owen, car accident and mcginnis, thom and cipher, larkspur lane and sal, bones and john, agleaca and hannah

•everett is always sitting- at his home office, at dinner, at yacht club (wonder if that was his actor + had to do with his recasting?)

-dad talk-

•both her dads think negatively on her "girl detective" thing but ryan sees use in it as a means to get answers, carson would never 'use' her in that way

•nancy + carson : suffering

"what about what i wanted?" + carson being imprisoned for weeks but she immediately rejects him (the DAY he gets his freedom no less) with no regard to his suffering (caused by herdiary!!) in regards to her own from this new knowledge (she does suffer a lot- "almost dying is my new normal" but still)/ the "thankless job" of parenting

•nancy + adults - connected to cop thing a few posts earlier : nancy is v precocious and smart for her age- she is "old enough" but also has trouble with the "adults" in her life- fathers, moms, karen, and cops letting her down but depends heavily on "adults" she cantrust- hannah gruen, john sander, lisbeth- highlighting her youth and occasional naiveté; nancy is unafraid to hold adults accountable for their actions (ie karen) but also loses them as allies along the way. both hannah and john are very nonthreatening and also experts in their fields, while her fathers and karen are revealed to be "just another brick in the wall" average, capable of mistakes, and not the people she expects them to be, while characters like john and hannah can only benefit nancy because either they do not mean as much to her or have no reason/nothing to gain by lying; they are purposefully shown to be small, demure, gentle, and nonthreatening as foils/opposed to karen, ryan, and josh whom she previously trusted; carson (+kate) is nonviolent as well but has the biggest betrayal which is perceived as an act of violence to her very personhood/shattering who she thought she was so she cannot be that anymore (admits truths to john "everytime i dig i hurt everyone" and hannah-agleaca) : unclear if redemption is possible for anyone :

•nancy bonds with carson over loss and then ryan over haunting. but actually, nancy rejects carson over loss bc she wanted to say goodbye and wasnt allowed to- so carson was with kate but nancy was not. nancy and ryan are more equals about haunting bc they both start around the same time and conclude together as well [nancy and ryan bond over thinking their parents conspired to kill lucy- think sitting on the floor at velvet masque] nancy is appreciated by ryan for her ability to get answers- he has no qualms about going through her/outside of police bc he wants results/instant gratification and thinks nancy is more so the expert in her field/respects her even through her age- once again acknowledging she is braver than he is (think lucy + claw parking lot) and her portent in the car freaks him out bc shes usually always in control, esp with him

•bc nancy was told "you can't be afraid of the truth" until she was / ironic bc shes braver than him except when the truth is they are related then she's scared to tell him while he actually starts to take some initiative

•nancy picked "the wrong person" to help her through her grief in her dad's eyes like her mom's best friend was somehow a better choice? carson truly "parents" nancy even during grief and haunting (which she rejects) whereas nancy and ryan are really equals in all their situations which is actually better for her and easier for her to maintain- nancy's expectations are low so anything that ryan gives is a bonus. nancy's expectations of carson were shattered by his lies so now she has nothing to connect with him about- they could barely even connect when sharing the same grief- carson actually very hypocritical hence nancy's upset at karen revelation yet carson doesn't agree bc hes the "adult" and shes the "child" not realizing she hadnt been one for a long time (hidden staircase perhaps?) whereas ryan better treats her with lack of controlling parental nature bc he is impressed with her competence before he receives that knowledge; "lucy was smarter than me too" acknowledging her intellect negates his ability to "parent" ie control her to leave him solely with caring about her wellbeing in her situations + aftermath - i honestly dont think carson would ever admit that shes smarter than him* bc he thinks shes not "all grown up" yet ("youve kept me on the bench for years"); ryan is more willing to meet her where she's at which is so important for all her good relationships - ace, owen, etc

*carson asks for nancy to figure out "who to trust" in ep 12, finally admitting that she is useful/ie acknowledging that her skills/abilities do help, are necessary, and can in fact save lives --> this is then s2 follow up by working for him (but it takes him that long)

•ryan/nancy/carson venn diagram - using sex to escape trauma

•if not carson vs ryan then what about celia and everett vs patrice (and josh)? at this point in the narrative, do you think ryan's parents would take his side should the knowledge become public (without their involvement), or deny nancy?

•"we were a family" + the disruption of family dinner- kate was really the one holding that family together and her death makes it unsustainable

okay!! that's all folks! i have exhausted my plethora of nancy drew thoughts + knowledge. you will never have to hear from me again!! TYSSM 😘

#brooklyn's ND primer #nancy drew cw #the Great Rewatch of 2021 #you best start believing in ghost stories miss drew - you're in one

[suzanneshannon]

Design for Safety, An Excerpt

Antiracist economist Kim Crayton says that “intention without strategy is chaos.” We’ve discussed how our biases, assumptions, and inattention toward marginalized and vulnerable groups lead to dangerous and unethical tech—but what, specifically, do we need to do to fix it? The intention to make our tech safer is not enough; we need a strategy.

This chapter will equip you with that plan of action. It covers how to integrate safety principles into your design work in order to create tech that’s safe, how to convince your stakeholders that this work is necessary, and how to respond to the critique that what we actually need is more diversity. (Spoiler: we do, but diversity alone is not the antidote to fixing unethical, unsafe tech.)

The process for inclusive safety

When you are designing for safety, your goals are to:

identify ways your product can be used for abuse,

design ways to prevent the abuse, and

provide support for vulnerable users to reclaim power and control.

The Process for Inclusive Safety is a tool to help you reach those goals (Fig 5.1). It’s a methodology I created in 2018 to capture the various techniques I was using when designing products with safety in mind. Whether you are creating an entirely new product or adding to an existing feature, the Process can help you make your product safe and inclusive. The Process includes five general areas of action:

Conducting research

Creating archetypes

Brainstorming problems

Designing solutions

Testing for safety

Fig 5.1: Each aspect of the Process for Inclusive Safety can be incorporated into your design process where it makes the most sense for you. The times given are estimates to help you incorporate the stages into your design plan.

The Process is meant to be flexible—it won’t make sense for teams to implement every step in some situations. Use the parts that are relevant to your unique work and context; this is meant to be something you can insert into your existing design practice.

And once you use it, if you have an idea for making it better or simply want to provide context of how it helped your team, please get in touch with me. It’s a living document that I hope will continue to be a useful and realistic tool that technologists can use in their day-to-day work.

If you’re working on a product specifically for a vulnerable group or survivors of some form of trauma, such as an app for survivors of domestic violence, sexual assault, or drug addiction, be sure to read Chapter 7, which covers that situation explicitly and should be handled a bit differently. The guidelines here are for prioritizing safety when designing a more general product that will have a wide user base (which, we already know from statistics, will include certain groups that should be protected from harm). Chapter 7 is focused on products that are specifically for vulnerable groups and people who have experienced trauma.

Step 1: Conduct research

Design research should include a broad analysis of how your tech might be weaponized for abuse as well as specific insights into the experiences of survivors and perpetrators of that type of abuse. At this stage, you and your team will investigate issues of interpersonal harm and abuse, and explore any other safety, security, or inclusivity issues that might be a concern for your product or service, like data security, racist algorithms, and harassment.

Broad research

Your project should begin with broad, general research into similar products and issues around safety and ethical concerns that have already been reported. For example, a team building a smart home device would do well to understand the multitude of ways that existing smart home devices have been used as tools of abuse. If your product will involve AI, seek to understand the potentials for racism and other issues that have been reported in existing AI products. Nearly all types of technology have some kind of potential or actual harm that’s been reported on in the news or written about by academics. Google Scholar is a useful tool for finding these studies.

Specific research: Survivors

When possible and appropriate, include direct research (surveys and interviews) with people who are experts in the forms of harm you have uncovered. Ideally, you’ll want to interview advocates working in the space of your research first so that you have a more solid understanding of the topic and are better equipped to not retraumatize survivors. If you’ve uncovered possible domestic violence issues, for example, the experts you’ll want to speak with are survivors themselves, as well as workers at domestic violence hotlines, shelters, other related nonprofits, and lawyers.

Especially when interviewing survivors of any kind of trauma, it is important to pay people for their knowledge and lived experiences. Don’t ask survivors to share their trauma for free, as this is exploitative. While some survivors may not want to be paid, you should always make the offer in the initial ask. An alternative to payment is to donate to an organization working against the type of violence that the interviewee experienced. We’ll talk more about how to appropriately interview survivors in Chapter 6.

Specific research: Abusers

It’s unlikely that teams aiming to design for safety will be able to interview self-proclaimed abusers or people who have broken laws around things like hacking. Don’t make this a goal; rather, try to get at this angle in your general research. Aim to understand how abusers or bad actors weaponize technology to use against others, how they cover their tracks, and how they explain or rationalize the abuse.

Step 2: Create archetypes

Once you’ve finished conducting your research, use your insights to create abuser and survivor archetypes. Archetypes are not personas, as they’re not based on real people that you interviewed and surveyed. Instead, they’re based on your research into likely safety issues, much like when we design for accessibility: we don’t need to have found a group of blind or low-vision users in our interview pool to create a design that’s inclusive of them. Instead, we base those designs on existing research into what this group needs. Personas typically represent real users and include many details, while archetypes are broader and can be more generalized.

The abuser archetype is someone who will look at the product as a tool to perform harm (Fig 5.2). They may be trying to harm someone they don’t know through surveillance or anonymous harassment, or they may be trying to control, monitor, abuse, or torment someone they know personally.

Fig 5.2: Harry Oleson, an abuser archetype for a fitness product, is looking for ways to stalk his ex-girlfriend through the fitness apps she uses.

The survivor archetype is someone who is being abused with the product. There are various situations to consider in terms of the archetype’s understanding of the abuse and how to put an end to it: Do they need proof of abuse they already suspect is happening, or are they unaware they’ve been targeted in the first place and need to be alerted (Fig 5.3)?

Fig 5.3: The survivor archetype Lisa Zwaan suspects her husband is weaponizing their home’s IoT devices against her, but in the face of his insistence that she simply doesn’t understand how to use the products, she’s unsure. She needs some kind of proof of the abuse.

You may want to make multiple survivor archetypes to capture a range of different experiences. They may know that the abuse is happening but not be able to stop it, like when an abuser locks them out of IoT devices; or they know it’s happening but don’t know how, such as when a stalker keeps figuring out their location (Fig 5.4). Include as many of these scenarios as you need to in your survivor archetype. You’ll use these later on when you design solutions to help your survivor archetypes achieve their goals of preventing and ending abuse.

Fig 5.4: The survivor archetype Eric Mitchell knows he’s being stalked by his ex-boyfriend Rob but can’t figure out how Rob is learning his location information.

It may be useful for you to create persona-like artifacts for your archetypes, such as the three examples shown. Instead of focusing on the demographic information we often see in personas, focus on their goals. The goals of the abuser will be to carry out the specific abuse you’ve identified, while the goals of the survivor will be to prevent abuse, understand that abuse is happening, make ongoing abuse stop, or regain control over the technology that’s being used for abuse. Later, you’ll brainstorm how to prevent the abuser’s goals and assist the survivor’s goals.

And while the “abuser/survivor” model fits most cases, it doesn’t fit all, so modify it as you need to. For example, if you uncovered an issue with security, such as the ability for someone to hack into a home camera system and talk to children, the malicious hacker would get the abuser archetype and the child’s parents would get survivor archetype.

Step 3: Brainstorm problems

After creating archetypes, brainstorm novel abuse cases and safety issues. “Novel” means things not found in your research; you’re trying to identify completely new safety issues that are unique to your product or service. The goal with this step is to exhaust every effort of identifying harms your product could cause. You aren’t worrying about how to prevent the harm yet—that comes in the next step.

How could your product be used for any kind of abuse, outside of what you’ve already identified in your research? I recommend setting aside at least a few hours with your team for this process.

If you’re looking for somewhere to start, try doing a Black Mirror brainstorm. This exercise is based on the show Black Mirror, which features stories about the dark possibilities of technology. Try to figure out how your product would be used in an episode of the show—the most wild, awful, out-of-control ways it could be used for harm. When I’ve led Black Mirror brainstorms, participants usually end up having a good deal of fun (which I think is great—it’s okay to have fun when designing for safety!). I recommend time-boxing a Black Mirror brainstorm to half an hour, and then dialing it back and using the rest of the time thinking of more realistic forms of harm.

After you’ve identified as many opportunities for abuse as possible, you may still not feel confident that you’ve uncovered every potential form of harm. A healthy amount of anxiety is normal when you’re doing this kind of work. It’s common for teams designing for safety to worry, “Have we really identified every possible harm? What if we’ve missed something?” If you’ve spent at least four hours coming up with ways your product could be used for harm and have run out of ideas, go to the next step.

It’s impossible to guarantee you’ve thought of everything; instead of aiming for 100 percent assurance, recognize that you’ve taken this time and have done the best you can, and commit to continuing to prioritize safety in the future. Once your product is released, your users may identify new issues that you missed; aim to receive that feedback graciously and course-correct quickly.

Step 4: Design solutions

At this point, you should have a list of ways your product can be used for harm as well as survivor and abuser archetypes describing opposing user goals. The next step is to identify ways to design against the identified abuser’s goals and to support the survivor’s goals. This step is a good one to insert alongside existing parts of your design process where you’re proposing solutions for the various problems your research uncovered.

Some questions to ask yourself to help prevent harm and support your archetypes include:

Can you design your product in such a way that the identified harm cannot happen in the first place? If not, what roadblocks can you put up to prevent the harm from happening?

How can you make the victim aware that abuse is happening through your product?

How can you help the victim understand what they need to do to make the problem stop?

Can you identify any types of user activity that would indicate some form of harm or abuse? Could your product help the user access support?

In some products, it’s possible to proactively recognize that harm is happening. For example, a pregnancy app might be modified to allow the user to report that they were the victim of an assault, which could trigger an offer to receive resources for local and national organizations. This sort of proactiveness is not always possible, but it’s worth taking a half hour to discuss if any type of user activity would indicate some form of harm or abuse, and how your product could assist the user in receiving help in a safe manner.

That said, use caution: you don’t want to do anything that could put a user in harm’s way if their devices are being monitored. If you do offer some kind of proactive help, always make it voluntary, and think through other safety issues, such as the need to keep the user in-app in case an abuser is checking their search history. We’ll walk through a good example of this in the next chapter.

Step 5: Test for safety

The final step is to test your prototypes from the point of view of your archetypes: the person who wants to weaponize the product for harm and the victim of the harm who needs to regain control over the technology. Just like any other kind of product testing, at this point you’ll aim to rigorously test out your safety solutions so that you can identify gaps and correct them, validate that your designs will help keep your users safe, and feel more confident releasing your product into the world.

Ideally, safety testing happens along with usability testing. If you’re at a company that doesn’t do usability testing, you might be able to use safety testing to cleverly perform both; a user who goes through your design attempting to weaponize the product against someone else can also be encouraged to point out interactions or other elements of the design that don’t make sense to them.

You’ll want to conduct safety testing on either your final prototype or the actual product if it’s already been released. There’s nothing wrong with testing an existing product that wasn’t designed with safety goals in mind from the onset—“retrofitting” it for safety is a good thing to do.

Remember that testing for safety involves testing from the perspective of both an abuser and a survivor, though it may not make sense for you to do both. Alternatively, if you made multiple survivor archetypes to capture multiple scenarios, you’ll want to test from the perspective of each one.

As with other sorts of usability testing, you as the designer are most likely too close to the product and its design by this point to be a valuable tester; you know the product too well. Instead of doing it yourself, set up testing as you would with other usability testing: find someone who is not familiar with the product and its design, set the scene, give them a task, encourage them to think out loud, and observe how they attempt to complete it.

Abuser testing

The goal of this testing is to understand how easy it is for someone to weaponize your product for harm. Unlike with usability testing, you want to make it impossible, or at least difficult, for them to achieve their goal. Reference the goals in the abuser archetype you created earlier, and use your product in an attempt to achieve them.

For example, for a fitness app with GPS-enabled location features, we can imagine that the abuser archetype would have the goal of figuring out where his ex-girlfriend now lives. With this goal in mind, you’d try everything possible to figure out the location of another user who has their privacy settings enabled. You might try to see her running routes, view any available information on her profile, view anything available about her location (which she has set to private), and investigate the profiles of any other users somehow connected with her account, such as her followers.

If by the end of this you’ve managed to uncover some of her location data, despite her having set her profile to private, you know now that your product enables stalking. Your next step is to go back to step 4 and figure out how to prevent this from happening. You may need to repeat the process of designing solutions and testing them more than once.

Survivor testing

Survivor testing involves identifying how to give information and power to the survivor. It might not always make sense based on the product or context. Thwarting the attempt of an abuser archetype to stalk someone also satisfies the goal of the survivor archetype to not be stalked, so separate testing wouldn’t be needed from the survivor’s perspective.

However, there are cases where it makes sense. For example, for a smart thermostat, a survivor archetype’s goals would be to understand who or what is making the temperature change when they aren’t doing it themselves. You could test this by looking for the thermostat’s history log and checking for usernames, actions, and times; if you couldn’t find that information, you would have more work to do in step 4.

Another goal might be regaining control of the thermostat once the survivor realizes the abuser is remotely changing its settings. Your test would involve attempting to figure out how to do this: are there instructions that explain how to remove another user and change the password, and are they easy to find? This might again reveal that more work is needed to make it clear to the user how they can regain control of the device or account.

Stress testing

To make your product more inclusive and compassionate, consider adding stress testing. This concept comes from Design for Real Life by Eric Meyer and Sara Wachter-Boettcher. The authors pointed out that personas typically center people who are having a good day—but real users are often anxious, stressed out, having a bad day, or even experiencing tragedy. These are called “stress cases,” and testing your products for users in stress-case situations can help you identify places where your design lacks compassion. Design for Real Life has more details about what it looks like to incorporate stress cases into your design as well as many other great tactics for compassionate design.

Design for Safety, An Excerpt published first on https://deskbysnafu.tumblr.com/

[ourinnergalaxy-blog]

well this has basically become my diary blog because its gotten to the point that i feel like i can’t talk about my problems on any platform that people might actually fucking see them on

But anyway, today’s random stress rant is about being trans masc/trans male and the way that makes me feel like I can’t voice my fears, frustrations, and concerns. This is actually compounded by the fact that I’m white passing, thin, and can sometimes actually pass as male. 

There’s so many positivity posts about how being trans, being non-binary, etc isn’t just “thin/white/masculine”. And I’m here for it. I really am. I don’t want a world where only people who look similar to me are taken seriously about their identity. I make sure to take time to recognize the struggles of those less privileged than me and recognize their triumphs (especially by liking a thousand selfies because OH GOSH ARE YOU PEOPLE ABSOLUTELY KILLING IT OUT THERE I LOVE YOU)! 

But then every time something goes wrong within the trans community, I see it blamed on passing/white/transmasc folk. I’ve seen it several times now, with varying degrees of vitriol. I don’t... blame anyone really... Maybe it really is our fault (”our” used loosely because, despite my general passing as white, my father is black). I don’t really know because, while I do consider myself to be somewhat connected with the trans community, I don’t go out of my way to be a fan of other trans people by the virtue of them being trans (in large part because I spent a few years deeply ingrained in fandom of certain Youtubers and ended up meeting them in person and finding out they were all either racist, apathetic, or abusive (or all three)). So who knows. Maybe it is only the white and passing trans men who turn truscum. I guess I personally would not know (and perhaps that in itself is a privilege).

I guess what I’m kind of trying to get to here is that I still don’t know how to come to terms with being part of an oppressive group within an oppressed group. It’s always been like this where... things absolutely do hurt and affect me, but I’m instructed not to say anything about it because I’m still less hurt than others. 

As half black, half white but white passing... racism directly affects me and my family whom I love. But I can’t say anything because I look too white to be offended by this stuff. I’m not allowed to explore my black identity because I’m too white and would be an invasive pest. I sometimes hate that my parents didn’t just marry within their own races so I’d at least know where the fuck I stood with all this rather than exist in this eternal racial limbo of “too privileged for this but too affected by that”.

As trans masc, there’s obviously the constant debate over if I have male privilege/how far that extends (to the point that I don’t honestly know and I’m so new to existing fully as male that I haven’t been able to make the determination myself as it doesn’t feel like I’m being treated differently yet). I’m not allowed to mention bathrooms. If I do, I get met with this overwhelming positivity that makes me want to fucking vomit (yOu CaN dO iT HuNnY JuSt Be CoNfIdEnT!!!) or I’m rebuked saying that trans women have it worse. WHICH THEY DO AND I AM NOT TRYING TO DEBATE THAT AT ALL. However, the result is that I can’t talk about how much I fear making eye contact with other men in the bathroom. I can’t talk about how I pray to the fucking gods that there’s no reason at all that I would have to open my mouth and say something out loud while in the bathroom. I can’t talk about how I fear going to the bathroom with my male friends and family members because I don’t want them to speak to me while other men are present. I can’t talk about how much I fucking dread the day someone finds out I’m not cis in a public bathroom. Being called out for it isn’t necessarily the issue. It’s the fact that cis men are fucking dangerous. They’re violent and cruel and dangerous and any one of them could be the one who wants to hurt me or r//pe me for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. With the wrong body. But, oh no, I can’t talk about that because I do pass pretty well. And I’m not as obvious an “intrusion” as other people might feel. And I’m not the right gender. 

As a thin person, I can’t speak on body positivity. Despite how the bullying I experienced for most of my school years revolved completely around my appearance (including the fact that I am so deathly thin). I can’t talk about how shameful it felt to be told by my friends (friends used loosely) that they were going to tie me down and feed me unhealthy foods. I can’t talk about how constantly aware I am of how very small and very VERY vulnerable I am. My body makes me a target, and this isn’t just a distant fear or guess. I’ve been assaulted because my small form makes me an easy target for violence. I can’t talk about how, now as a man, I feel shame over my tiny frame and the way it makes it impossible for me to shop for men’s clothing. I can’t talk about the embarrassment of shopping in the “boys” section and praying to god they have a shirt I can wear that doesn’t have fucking dinosaurs on it (I like dinosaurs as much as the next guy, if not more, but I want a dress shirt that makes me look like an adult thanks). 

I JUST FEEL LIKE EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE HAS SET ME UP TO BE IN A SITUATION WHERE I’M NOT ALLOWED TO COMPLAIN BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE IT AS BAD AS OTHERS!

This doesn’t even touch on mental illness yet, but I don’t want to get into that because I’m still trying to figure out this whole fucking thing and I just don’t want to dig myself a deeper hole right now because it’s a constant stress and FUCK do i just wish i knew what was going on for sure already

I’m really trying my best not to end off this rant by saying “but it’s okay” or some other variant. Because I do that all the time. I’ve internalized all of this and now I silence myself on important matters. Or I make light of them. Or end off my complaints by saying “well someone else has it worse”. Yes, that’s true, but sometimes I need to own my own pain. I need to make that the subject, not the billions of other people who are, yes, also suffering. Sometimes I should be the focus, right? At least to one person? At least to myself...

#rant #vent