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pumpkinpaix · 4 years

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Hi! Loving your meta on suibian :)) Just wondering what were your frustrations with cql, especially considered you've watched this in multiple mediums? (I've only watched cql)

Hi anon! thank you so much!

Oh boy, you’ve unlocked a boatload of hidden dialogue, are you ready?? :D (buckle up it’s oof. Extremely Long)

@hunxi-guilai please consider this my official pitch for why I think the novel is worth reading, if only so you can enjoy the audio drama more fully. ;)

a few things before I get into it:

I don’t want to make this a 100% negative post because I really do love CQL so much! So I’m going to make it two parts: the changes that frustrated me the most and the changes I loved the most re: CQL vs novel. (again, don’t really know anything about donghua or manhua sorry!!) Sound good? :D

this will contain spoilers for the entirety of CQL and the novel. just like. All of it.

talking about the value of changes in CQL is difficult because I personally don’t know what changes were made for creative reasons and what changes were made for censorship reasons. I don’t think it’s entirely fair to evaluate the narrative worth of certain changes when I don’t know what their limitations were. It’s not just a matter of “gay content was censored”; China also has certain censorship restrictions on the portrayal of the undead, among other things. I, unfortunately, am not familiar enough with the ins and outs of Chinese censorship to be able to tell anyone with certainty what was and wasn’t changed for what reason. So I guess just, take whatever my opinions are with a grain of salt! I will largely avoid addressing issues related to how explicitly romantic wangxian is, for obvious reasons.

OKAY. In order to impose some kind of control on how much time I spend on this, I’m going to limit myself to four explicated points in each category, best/worst. Please remember that I change my opinions constantly, so these are just like. the top contenders at this specific point in my life. Starting with the worst so we can end on a positive note!

Henceforth, the novel is MDZS, CQL is CQL.

CQL’s worst crimes, according to cyan:

1. Polarizing Wei Wuxian and Jin Guangyao on the moral spectrum

I’ve heard rumors that this was a censorship issue, but I have never been able to confirm or deny it, so. Again, grain of salt.

The way that CQL reframed Wei Wuxian and Jin Guangyao’s character arcs drives me up the wall because I think it does a huge disservice to both of them and the overarching themes of the story. Jin Guangyao is shown to be responsible for pretty much all the tragedy post-Sunshot, which absolves Wei Wuxian of all possible wrongdoing and flattens Jin Guangyao into a much less interesting villain.

What I find so interesting about MDZS is how much it emphasizes the role of external forces and situations in determining a person’s fate: that being “good” or “righteous” at heart is simply not enough. You can do everything with all the best intentions and still do harm, still fail, still lose everything. Even “right” choices can have terrible consequences. Everyone starts out innocent. “In this world, everyone starts without grievances, but there is always someone who takes the first blow.”

It matters that Wei Wuxian is the one who loses control and kills Jin Zixuan, that his choices (no matter how impossible and terrible the situation) had consequences because the whole point is that even good people can be forced into corners where they do terrible things. Being good isn’t enough. You can do everything right, make every impossible choice, and fail. You can do the right thing and be punished for it. Maybe you did the right thing, but others suffer for your actions. Is that still the right thing? Is it your fault? Is it? By absolving Wei Wuxian of any conceivable blame, it really changes the narrative conclusion. In MDZS, even the best people can do incomprehensible harm when backed into corners, and the audience is asked to evaluate those actions with nuance. Is a criminal fully culpable for the harm they do when their external circumstances forced them into situations where they felt like they had no good choices left?

Personally, I feel like the novel asks you to forgive Wei Wuxian his wrongs, and, in paralleling him with Jin Guangyao, shows how easily they could have been one another. Both of them are extraordinarily talented sons of commoners; the difference lies in what opportunities they were given as they were growing up and how they choose to react to grievances. Wei Wuxian is adopted early on into the head family of a prominent sect and treated (more or less—not going to get into it) like a son. Jin Guangyao begs, borrows, steals, kills for every scrap of prestige and honor he gets and understands that his position in life is, at all points, extraordinarily unstable. Wei Wuxian doesn’t take his grievances to heart, but Jin Guangyao does.

To be clear, I don’t think the novel places a moral value on holding grudges, if that makes sense. I think MDZS only indicates that acts of vengeance always lead to more bloodshed—that the only escape is to lay down your arms, no matter how bitter the taste. Wei Wuxian was horribly wronged in many ways, and I don’t think I would fault him for wanting revenge or holding onto his anger—but I do think it’s clear that if he did, it would destroy him. It destroys Jin Guangyao, after all.

(It also destroys Xue Yang, and I think the parallel actually also extends to him. Yi City, to me, is a very interesting microcosm of a lot of broader themes in MDZS, and I have a lot of Thoughts on Xue Yang and equivalent justice, etc. etc. but. Thoughts for another time.)

Wei Wuxian is granted a happy ending not because he is Good, but because public opinion has changed, because there’s a new scapegoat, because he is protected by someone in power, because he lets go of the past, and because the children see him for who he is. I really do think that the reason MDZS and CQL have a hopeful ending as opposed to a bleak one hinges on the juniors. We are shown very clearly throughout the story how easily and quickly the tide of public opinion turns. The reason we don’t fear that it’s going to happen to Wei Wuxian again (or any other surviving character we love) is, I think, because the juniors, who don’t lose their childhoods to war, have the capacity to see past their parents’ prejudices and evaluate the actions of the people in front of them without having their opinions clouded by intense trauma and fear. They are forged out of love, not fire.

In CQL however, it emphasizes that Wei Wuxian is Fundamentally Good and did No Wrong Ever, so he deserves his happy ending, while Jin Guangyao is Fundamentally Bad and Responsible For Everything, so he got what was coming to him (even if we feel bad for him maybe). That’s not nearly as interesting or meaningful.  

(One specific change to Jin Guangyao’s timeline of evil that I find particularly vexing, not including the one I will discuss in point 2, is changing when Jin Rusong was conceived. In the novel, Qin Su is supposedly already pregnant by the time they get married, and that matters a WHOLE LOT when evaluating Jin Guangyao’s actions, I think.)

2. Wen POWs used as target obstacles at Baifeng Mountain

I know the first point was “here’s an overarching plot change that I think deeply impacts the narrative themes” and this second one is “I despise this one specific scene detail so much”, but HEAR ME OUT. It’s related to the first point! (tbh, most things are related to the first point)

Personally, I think this one detail character assassinates like. almost everyone in attendance, but most egregiously in no particular order: Jin Guangyao, Jin Zixuan (and by extension, Jiang Yanli), Wei Wuxian, Lan Wangji and Lan Xichen.

First, I think it’s a cheap plot device that’s obviously meant to enhance Jin Guangyao’s ~villainy while emphasizing Wei Wuxian’s growing righteous anger, but it fails so spectacularly, god, I literally hate this detail so much lmao. I’ll go by character.

Jin Guangyao: I get that CQL is invested in him being a ~bad person~ or whatever, but this is such a transparently like, cartoon villain move that lacks subtlety and elegance. Jin Guangyao is very dedicated to being highly diplomatic, appeasing, and non-threatening in his bid for power. He manipulates behind the scenes, does his father’s dirty work, etc. but he always shows a gentle, smiling face. This display tips his hand pretty obviously, and even if it were at the behest of his father, there’s literally no reason for him to be so “ohohoho I’m so evil~” about it—if anything, this would only serve to drive his sympathizers away. It’s a stupid move for him politically, and really undercuts his supposed intelligence and cleverness, in my personal opinion.

Jin Zixuan: yes, he is arrogant and vain and likes to show off! But putting his ego above the safety of innocent people? Like, not necessarily OOC, but it sure makes him much less sympathetic in my eyes. I find it hard to believe that Jiang Yanli would find this laudable or acceptable, but she’s given a few shots where she smiles with some kind of pride and it’s like. No! Do not do my queen dirty like this. She wouldn’t!

Wei Wuxian: where do I start! WHERE DO I START. Wei Wuxian is shown to be “righteously angry” about this, but steps down mutinously when Jiang Cheng motions him back. He looks shocked and outraged at Jin Zixuan for showing off with no concern for the safety of the Wen POWs, only to like, two seconds later, do the exact same thing, but worse! And at the provocation of Jin Zixun, no less! *screams into hands* The tonal shift is bizarre! We’re in this really tense ~moral quandary~, but then he flirts with Lan Wangji for a second (tense music still kinda playing?? it’s awful. I hate it), and then does his trickshot. You know! Putting all these people he’s supposedly so concerned about at risk! To one-up Jin Zixuan! It’s nonsensical. It’s such a conflict of priorities. This is supposed to make him seem honorable and cool, I guess? But it mostly just makes him look like a performative hypocrite. :///

Lan Wangji: I cannot believe that Lan Wangji saw this and did not immediately walk out in protest.

Lan Xichen: this is just one part of a larger problem with Lan Xichen’s arc in CQL vs MDZS, where his character development was an unwitting casualty of both wangxian censorship and CQL’s quest to demonize Jin Guangyao. One of the prevailing criticisms I see of Lan Xichen’s character is that he is a “centrist”, that he “allows bad things to happen through his inaction and desire to avoid conflict”, and that he is “stupid and willfully blind to Jin Guangyao’s faults”, when I don’t think any of this is supported by evidence in the novel whatsoever. Jin Guangyao is a subtle villain! He is a talented manipulator and liar! Even Wei Wuxian says it in the novel!

(forgive my rough translations /o\)

Chapter 49, as Wei Wuxian (through Empathy with Nie Mingjue’s head) listens to Lan Xichen defend Meng Yao immediately following Wen Ruohan’s assassination:

魏无羡心中摇头：“泽芜君这个人还是……太纯善了。”可再一想，他是因为已知金光瑶的种种嫌疑才能如此防备，可在蓝曦臣面前的孟瑶，却是一个忍辱负重，身不由己，孤身犯险的卧底，二人视角不同，感受又如何能相提并论？

Wei Wuxian shook his head to himself: “This Zewu-jun is still…… too pure and kind.” But then he thought again—he could only be so guarded because he already knew of all of Jin Guangyao’s suspicious behavior, but the Meng Yao before Lan Xichen was someone who had had no choice but to suffer in silence for his mission, who placed himself in grave danger, alone, undercover. The two of them had different perspectives, so how could their feelings be compared?

Chapter 63, after Wei Wuxian wakes up in the Cloud Recesses, having been brought there by Lan Wangji:

他不是不能理解蓝曦臣。他从聂明玦的视角看金光瑶，将其奸诈狡猾与野心勃勃尽收眼底，然而，如果金光瑶多年来在蓝曦臣面前一直以伪装相示，没理由要他不去相信自己的结义兄弟，却去相信一个臭名昭著腥风血雨之人。

It wasn’t that he couldn’t understand Lan Xichen. He had seen Jin Guangyao from Nie Mingjue’s perspective, and so had seen all of his treacherous and cunning obsession with ambition. However, if Jin Guangyao had for all these years only shown Lan Xichen a disguise, there was no reason for [Lan Xichen] to believe a famously violent person [Wei Wuxian] over his own sworn brother.

Lan Xichen, throughout the story, is being actively lied to and manipulated by Jin Guangyao. His only “mistake” was being kind and trying to give Meng Yao, someone who came from a place of great disadvantage, the benefit of the doubt instead of immediately dismissing him as worthless due to his birth or his station in life. Lan Xichen sees Meng Yao as someone who was forced to make impossible choices in impossible situations—you know, the way that we, the audience, are led to perceive Wei Wuxian. The only difference is that the story that we’re given about Wei Wuxian is true, while the story that Lan Xichen is given about Meng Yao is… not. But how would have have known?

The instant he is presented with a shred of evidence to the contrary, he revokes Jin Guangyao’s access to the Cloud Recesses, pursues that evidence to the last, and is horrified to discover that his trust was misplaced.

Lan Xichen’s willingness to consider different points of view is integral to Wei Wuxian’s survival and eventual happiness. Without Lan Xichen’s kindness, there is no way that Wei Wuxian would have ever been able to clear his name. Everyone else was calling for his blood, but Lan Wangji took him home, and Lan Xichen not only allowed it, he listened to and helped them. To the characters of the book who are not granted omniscient knowledge of Wei Wuxian’s actions and circumstances, there is literally no difference between Wei Wuxian and Jin Guangyao. Lan Xichen is being incredibly fair when he asks in chapter 63:

蓝曦臣笑了，道：“忘机，你又是如何判定，一个人究竟可信不可信？”

他看着魏无羡，道：“你相信魏公子，可我，相信金光瑶。大哥的头在他手上，这件事我们都没有亲眼目睹，都是凭着我们自己对另一个人的了解，相信那个人的说辞。

“你认为自己了解魏无羡，所以信任他；而我也认为自己了解金光瑶，所以我也信任他。你相信自己的判断，那么难道我就不能相信自己的判断吗？”

Lan Xichen laughed and said, “Wangji, how can you determine exactly who should and should not be believed?”

He looked at Wei Wuxian and said, “You believe Wei-gongzi, but I believe Jin Guangyao. Neither of us saw with our own eyes whether Da-ge’s head was in his possession. We base our opinions on our own understandings of someone else, our belief in their testimony.

“You think you understand Wei Wuxian, and so you trust him; I also think I understand Jin Guangyao, so I trust him. You trust your own judgment, so can’t I trust my own judgment as well?”

But he hears them out, examines the proof, and acts immediately.

I really do feel like this aspect of Lan Xichen kind of… became collateral damage in CQL. Because Jin Guangyao is so much more publicly malicious, Lan Xichen’s alleged “lack of action” feels much less understandable or acceptable.

It is wild to me that in this scene, Lan Xichen reacts with discomfort to the proceedings, but has nothing to say to Jin Guangyao about it afterwards and also applauds Wei Wuxian’s archery. (I could talk about Nie Mingjue here as well, but I would say Nie Mingjue and Lan Xichen have very different perspectives on morality, so this moment isn’t necessarily OOC for NMJ, but I do think is very OOC for LXC.) This scene (among a few others that have Jin Guangyao being more openly “evil”) makes Lan Xichen look like a willfully blind bystander by the end of the story, but having him react with any action would have been inconvenient for the plot. Thus, he behaves exactly as he did in the book, but under very different circumstances. It reads inconsistently with the rest of his character (since a lot of the beats in the novel still happen in the show), and weakens the narrative surrounding his person.

None of these overt displays of cruelty or immorality happen in the book, so it makes perfect sense that he doesn’t do or suspect anything! Jin Guangyao is, as stated, perfectly disguised towards Lan Xichen. You can’t blame him for “failing to act” when someone was purposefully keeping him in the dark and, from his perspective, there was nothing to act upon.

This scene specifically is almost purely lighthearted in the novel! If you take out the Wen POWs, this just becomes a fun scene where Wei Wuxian shows off, flirts with Lan Wangji, gets into a pissing match with Jin Zixuan, and is overall kind of a brat! It’s great! I love this scene! The blindfolded shot is ridiculous and over-the-top and very cute!

I know this is a lot of extrapolation, but the whole scene is soured for me due to you know. *gestures upwards* Which is really a shame because it’s one of my favorite silly scenes in the book! Alas! @ CQL why! ;A;

3. Lan Xichen already being an adult and sect leader at the start of the show

This is rapidly becoming a, “Lan Xichen was Wronged and I Have the Receipts” essay (oh no), but you know what, that’s fine I guess! I never said I was impartial!

CQL makes Lan Xichen seem much older and more experienced than he is in the novel, though we’re not given his specific age. In the novel, he is not sect leader yet when Wei Wuxian and co. arrive at the Cloud Recesses for lectures. His father, Qingheng-jun, is in seclusion, and his uncle is the de facto leader of the sect. Lan Xichen does not become sect leader until his father dies at the burning of the Cloud Recesses. Moreover, my understanding of the text is that he is at most 19 years old when this happens. Wen Ruohan remarks that Lan Xichen is still a junior at the beginning of the Sunshot Campaign in chapter 61. (If someone has a different interpretation of the term 小辈, please correct me.) In any case! Lan Xichen is young.

Lan Xichen ascends to power under horrific circumstances: he is not an adult, his father has just been murdered, his uncle seriously injured, his brother kidnapped, and his home burnt to the ground. He is on the run, alone! Carrying the sacred texts of his family and trying to stay alive so his sect is not completely wiped out on the eve of war! He is terrified, inexperienced, and unprepared!

You know, just like Jiang Cheng, a few months later!

I see a lot of people lambasting Lan Xichen for not stepping up to protect the Wen remnants post-Sunshot, but I’m always flummoxed by the accusations because I don’t see criticisms of Jiang Cheng with remotely the same vitriol, even though their political positions are nearly identical:

they are both extraordinarily young sect leaders who came to power before they expected to through incredible violence done to their families

because of this, they are in very weak political positions: they have very little experience to offer as evidence of their competence and right to respect. if they are considered adults, they have only very recently come of age.

Jin Guangshan, who is rapidly and greedily taking the place of the Wen clan in the vacuum of power, is shown to be more than willing to mow people down to get what he wants—and he has the power to do so.

both Yunmeng Jiang and Gusu Lan were crippled by the Wen clan prior to Sunshot. And they just fought a war that lasted two and a half years. they are hugely weakened and in desperate need of time to rebuild, mourn, etc. both Jiang Cheng and Lan Xichen are responsible for the well-being of all of these people who are now relying upon them.

I think it’s very obvious that Jiang Cheng is in an impossible situation because he wears his fears and insecurities on his face and people in power (cough Jin Guangshan) prey upon that, while we, as the audience, have a front row seat for that whole tragedy. We understand his choices, even if they hurt us.

Why shouldn’t Lan Xichen be afforded the same consideration?

I really do think that because he’s presented as someone who’s much more composed and confident in his own abilities than Jiang Cheng is, we tend to forget exactly what pressures he was facing at the same time. We just assume, oh yes, of course Lan Xichen has the power to do something! He’s Lan Xichen! The First Jade! Isn’t he supposed to be Perfectly Good? Why isn’t he doing The Right Thing?

I think this is exacerbated by CQL’s decision to make him an established sect leader at the start of the show with several years of experience under his belt. We don’t know his age, but he is assumed to be an Adult. This gives him more power and stability, and so it seems more unacceptable that he does not make moves to protect the Wen remnants, even if in essence, he and Jiang Cheng’s political positions are still quite similar. He doesn’t really have any more power to save the Wen remnants without placing his whole clan in danger of being wiped out again, but CQL implies that he does, even if it isn’t the intention of the change.

It does make me really sad that this change also drives a further thematic divide between Lan Xichen and the rest of his generation. Almost everyone in that generation came of age through a war, which I think informs the way their tragedies play out, and how those tragedies exist in contrast to the juniors’ behavior and futures. Making Lan Xichen an experienced adult aligns him with the generation prior to him, which, as we’re shown consistently, is the generation whose adherence to absolutism and fear ruined the lives of their children. But Lan Xichen is just as much a victim of this as his peers.

(the exception being maybe Nie Mingjue, but it’s complicated. I think Nie Mingjue occupies a very interesting position in the narrative, but like. That’s. For another time! this is. already so far out of hand. oh my god this is point three out of eight oh nO)

(yet another aside because I can’t help myself: can you believe we were robbed of paralleling scenes of Jiang Cheng and Lan Xichen’s coronations? the visual drama of that. the poetic cinema. it’s not in the book, but can you IMAGINE. thank u @paledreamsblackmoths for putting this image into my head so that I can suffer forever knowing that I’ll never get it.)

I said I wasn’t going to talk at length about any changes surrounding Wangxian’s explicit romance for obvious reasons, but I will at least lament here that because a large percentage of Lan Xichen’s actions and character beats are directly in relation to Lan Wangji’s love for Wei Wuxian, he loses a lot of both minor and major moments to the censors as well. Many of the instances when he encourages Lan Wangji to talk to Wei Wuxian, when he indulges in their relationship etc. are understandably gone. But the most significant moment that was cut for censorship reasons I think is when he loses his temper with Wei Wuxian at the Guanyin temple and lays into him with all the fury and terror he felt for his brother’s broken heart for the last thirteen years.

Lan Xichen is only shown to express true anger twice in the whole story, both times at the Guanyin temple: first against Wei Wuxian for what he perceives as gross disregard for his little brother’s convictions, and second against Jin Guangyao for his massive betrayal of trust. And you know, murdering his best friend. Among other things.

I’m genuinely so sad that we don’t get to see Lan Xichen tear Wei Wuxian to shreds for what he did to Lan Wangji because I think one of the most important aspects to Lan Xichen’s character is how much he loves, cares for and fears for his little brother. The reveal about Lan Wangji’s punishment in episode 43 is a sad and sober conversation, but it’s not nearly as impactful, especially because Wei Wuxian asks about it of his own volition. I understand that this isn’t CQL’s fault! But. I can still mourn it right? ahahaha. :’)

I’ll stop before I descend further into nothing but Lan Xichen meta because that’s. Dangerous. (I have a lot of Feelings about how there are three characters who are held up as paragons of virtue in MDZS, how they all suffered in spite of their goodness, and how that all ties directly into the whole, “it is not enough to be good, but kindness is never wrong” theme. Anyways, they’re Xiao Xingchen, Jiang Yanli, and Lan Xichen, but NOT NOW. NOT TODAY.)

So yes, I’m a Lan Xichen apologist on main, and yes, I understand my feelings are incredibly personally motivated and influenced by my subjective emotions, but no I do not take concrit on this point, thank you very much.

4. all of the Wen remnants turning themselves in alongside Wen Qing and Wen Ning

Okay, back to plot changes. This change I would be willing to bet money was at least partially due to censorship, but it hurts me so deeply hahaha. It makes literally no sense for any of the characters and it completely janks the timeline of events post Qiongqi Dao 2.0 through Wei Wuxian’s death.

It’s not ALL bad—this change makes it easier for the Peak Wangxian moment at the Bloodbath at Nightless City (You know. Hands. Cliff. etc.) to happen, which I did very much enjoy. It’s pretty on-brand for CQL to sacrifice plot for character beats that they want to emphasize, so like. I get it! This moment is a huge gift! I Understand This. CQL collapses the Bloodbath at Nightless City and the First Siege of the Mass Graves into one event for I think a few reasons. One, Wangxian moment without being explicitly Wangxian, which is excellent. Two, it circumvents the Blood Corpse scene, which I do not think would have made it past censorship.

I’ll get to the Blood Corpse scene in a minute, but despite being able to understand why so much might have been sacrificed for the impact of the cliff scene, I still wish it had been done differently (and I feel like it could have been!), if only for my peace of mind because the plot holes it creates are pretty gaping.

The entire point of Wen Qing and Wen Ning turning themselves in is specifically to save their family members and Wei Wuxian from coming to further harm. That’s explicit, even in the show. Jin Guangshan demands that the Wen brother and sister stand for their crimes and claims that the blood debt will be paid. The Wen remnants understand that Wei Wuxian has given up so much for their sakes, that he has lost his family, his home, his respectability, his health, all in the name of sheltering them. To throw all of that away would be the greatest disrespect to his sacrifices. Wen Qing and Wen Ning decide that if their lives can pay for the safety of their loved ones and ensure that Wei Wuxian’s sacrifices matter, they are willing to go together and give themselves up.

So. Why did they. All go?? For… moral support???? D: Wen Qing says that Wei Wuxian will wake up in three days and that she’s given Fourth Uncle and the others instructions for his care–but then Fourth Uncle and the others all go with them!! To die!! There’s also very clearly a shot of Granny Wen taking A’Yuan with them, which like. Obviously didn’t really happen.

Wen Qing, who loves her family more than anything in the world, agrees that they should all go to Lanling and sacrifice themselves to…. protect Wei Wuxian? Wen Qing, pragmatic queen of my heart, agrees to this absurdly bad exchange?? Leaves Wei Wuxian to wake up, alone, with the knowledge that he had not only killed his brother-in-law but also effectively gotten everyone he had left killed also??

I can’t imagine Wen Qing doing that to Wei Wuxian. Save his life? For what? This takes away everything he has left to live for. You think Wen Qing doesn’t intimately understand how cruel that would be?

(Yes, I’m complaining about all of this, but I’m still about to cry because I rewatched the scene to make sure I didn’t say anything untrue, and g o d it manages to hit hard despite all of that, so who’s the real clown here!!)

Anyways. So that’s all just like. Frustratingly incoherent. It’s one of several wrongs I think CQL committed against Wen Qing’s character, but my feelings about Wen Qing in CQL are pretty complicated (I love her so much, and I love that we got more Wen Qing content, but that content sure is a mixed bag of stuff I really enjoyed and stuff I desperately wish didn’t exist) and I decided I wasn’t going to get into it in this post. (is anyone even still reading god)

This change also muddles Lan Wangji’s choices and punishment in ways that I think diminishes the severity of the situation to the detriment of both his characterization and his family’s characterization. The punishment scene is extremely moving and you should read this post about the language used in it but. sldfjsljslkf.

okay well, several things. In the context of CQL, which really pushes the “righteousness” angle of Wei Wuxian (see point 1), I think this scene makes a lot of sense in isolation: both Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian are painted as martyrs for doing the right thing. “Who’s right and who’s wrong?” The audience is asked to see the punishment as “unjust”. That’s perfectly fine and coherent in the context of CQL, but I don’t think it’s nearly as interesting as what happens in MDZS.

Because CQL collapses both the First Siege and the Bloodbath into one event, Lan Wangji’s crimes are sort of unclearly defined. In episode 43, when Lan Xichen is explaining the situation, we see a flashback to when Su She says something along the lines of, “We could set aside the fact that you defended Wei Ying at Nightless City, but now you won’t even let us search his den?” (of course, this gives us the really excellent “you are not qualified to talk to me” line which. delicious. extremely vindicating and satisfying. petty king lan wangji.) Lan Xichen goes on to say something like, “Wangji alone caused several disturbances at the Mass Graves. Uncle was greatly angered, and [decreed his punishment]”. (Sorry, I’m too lazy to type out the full lines with translations, just. trust me on this one.)

Lan Wangji’s actions are shown to be motivated by a righteous love. Wei Wuxian is portrayed as someone innocent who stood up for the right thing against popular opinion and was scapegoated and destroyed for it, having done no wrong. (See, point 1 again.)

In MDZS, Lan Wangji’s crimes are very specific. It isn’t just that he caused some “disturbances” (this is just Lan XIchen’s vague phrasing in CQL—we don’t really know what he did). He steals Wei Wuxian away from the Bloodbath at Nightless City, after Wei Wuxian killed thousands of people, and hides him away in a cave, feeding him spiritual energy to save his life. When Lan Wangji’s family comes to find him, demand that he hand over Wei Wuxian (who is, remember, a mass murderer at this point! we can argue about how culpable he is for those actions all day—that’s the whole point, but the people are still dead), Lan Wangji not only refuses, but raises his hands against his family. He seriously injures thirty-three Lan elders to protect Wei Wuxian.

I don’t know how to emphasize how serious that crime is? Culturally, this is like. Unthinkable. To raise your hand against members of your own family, your elders who loved and raised you, in defense of an outsider, a man who, by all accounts, is horrifically evil and just murdered thousands of people, including other members of your own family, is like. That’s a serious betrayal. Oh my god. Lan Wangji, what have you done?

Lan Xichen explains in chapter 99:

我去看他的时候对他说，魏公子已铸成大错，你何苦错上加错了。他却说……他无法断言你所作所为对错如何，但无论对错，他愿意与你一起承担所有后果。

When I went to see him, I said, “Wei-gongzi’s great wrongs are already set in stone, why take the pains to add wrongs upon wrongs?” But he said…… he had no way to ascertain the rights and wrongs of your actions, but regardless of right or wrong, he was willing to bear all the consequences with you.

I think this is very different than what’s going on in CQL, though the differences appear subtle on the surface. In CQL, Lan Wangji demands of his uncle, “Dare I ask Uncle, who is righteous and who is wicked, who is wrong and who is right?” but the very act of asking in this way implies that Lan Wangji has an opinion on the matter (though perhaps not a simple one).

Lan Wangji in MDZS specifically says that he doesn’t know how to evaluate the morality of Wei Wuxian’s actions, but that regardless, he is willing to bear the consequences of his choices and his actions. He understands that his actions while sheltering Wei Wuxian are not clearly morally defensible. He did it anyways because he loved Wei Wuxian, because he thought that Wei Wuxian was worth saving, that there was still something good in him, despite the things he had done under mitigating circumstances. Lan Wangji did not save Wei Wuxian because he thought it was the right thing to do. He saved him because he loved him.

He is given thirty-three lashes with the discipline whip, one for each elder he maimed, and this leaves him bedridden for three years. Is this punishment horrifyingly severe? Yes! But is it unjustly given? I think that’s a much harder question to answer in the context of the story.

Personally, I think that question underscores the broader questions of morality contained within MDZS. I think it’s a much more interesting take on Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji as individuals. This asks, what can be pardoned? The righteous martyr angle is uncomplicated because moral certainty is easy. I think the situation in MDZS is far more uncomfortable if you examine its implications. And personally, I think that’s more meaningful!

(Not even going to touch on the whole, 300 strokes with a giant rod, but he has whip scars? And they were also sentenced to 300 strokes as kids for drinking alcohol…? CQL is not. consistent. on that front. ahaha.)

God, every point so far in this meta is just like “here’s one change that has cascading effects upon the rest of the show” dear god, okay, I’m getting to the Blood Corpse scene.

So in MDZS, the Wen remnants (besides Wen Ning and Wen Qing) do not go to Lanling. After the Bloodbath at Nightless City, Lan Wangji returns Wei Wuxian to the Mass Graves. Wei Wuxian lives with the Wen remnants for another three months before the First Siege, where he dies and the rest of the Wens are killed (except A’Yuan).

(Sidenote that I won’t get into: I love the dead spaces of time that MDZS creates. There’s very clear gaps in the narrative that we just never get the details on, most notably: Wei Wuxian’s three months in the Mass Graves post core transfer, and Wei Wuxian’s three months in the Mass Graves post Jiang Yanli’s death. They’re both extremely terrible times, but the audence is asked to imagine it instead of ever learning what really happened, what it was like. There’s something really cool about that narratively, I think.)

The Wen remnants are not cremated along with the rest of the dead. Their bodies are thrown into the blood pool.

At the Second Siege, when Wei Wuxian draws a Yin Summoning Flag on his clothes to turn himself into bait for the corpses in order to allow everyone else to escape to safety while he and Lan Wangji fight them off, there’s a moment when it gets really, truly dangerous—even with the help of the juniors and a few of the adults, they probably would have been killed. But then a wave of blood-soaked corpses come crawling out of the blood pool of their own accord and tear their attackers apart.

At the end of it, the blood corpses, the Wen remnants, gather before Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian and Wen Ning. Wei Wuxian thanks them, they exchange bows, and the blood corpses collapse into dust. Wen Ning scrambles to gather their ashes, but runs out of space in his clothing. Several juniors, seeing this, offer up their bags to him and try to help.

It’s just. This scene is so important to me. Obviously, it couldn’t be included in CQL because of the whole undead thing, but it’s such a shame because I maintain that the Blood Corpse scene is one of the most powerful scenes in the whole goddamn book. It ties together so many things that I care about! It’s the moment when the narrative says, “kindness is not a waste”. Wei Wuxian failed to save them, but that doesn’t mean that his actions were done in vain. What he did matters. The year of life he bought them matters. The time they spent together matters.

This is also the moment when the juniors finally see Wen Ning for who he is—not the terrifying Ghost General, but a gentle man who has just lost his family for a second time. This is the moment when they reach out with kindness to the monster that their parents told them about at night. It matters that the juniors are able to do that! That they see this man suffering and are moved to compassion instead of righteous satisfaction.

(Except Jin Ling, for very understandable reasons, but Jin Ling’s moment comes later.)

It’s also the moment that we’re starkly reminded that many of the adults in attendance were present at the First Siege and directly responsible for the murders of the Wen remnants, including Ouyang Zizhen’s father. We’re reminded that he’s not just a comically annoying man with bad takes—he also participated in the murder of innocent people and then disrespected their corpses. But what retribution should be taken against him and the others? What retribution could be taken that wouldn’t lead to more tragedy?

There’s someone in the crowd in this scene named Fang Mengchen who refuses to be swayed by Wei Wuxian’s actions. “He killed my parents,” he says. “What about them? How can I let that go?”

“What more do you want from me?” Wei Wuxian asks. “I have already died once. You do not have to forgive me, but what more should I do?”

That is the ultimate question, isn’t it? What is the only way out of tragedy? You don’t have to forgive, but you cannot continue to take your retribution. It is not fair, but it’s all you have.

okay. so. those were my four Big Points of Contention with CQL, as I am currently experiencing them.

Honorable mentions go to: Wen Qing’s arc (both excellent and awful in different ways), making 13/16 years of Inquiry canon (I think this is untrue to Lan Wangji’s character, though I can understand why it was done), Mianmian’s departure from the Lanling Jin sect being shortened and having the sexism cut out (there’s something really visceral about the accusations against Mianmian being explicitly about her womanhood that I desperately wish had been retained in the show), cutting the scene where Jin Ling cries in mourning for Jin Guangyao and is scolded for it by Sect Leader Yao (my heart for that scene because it also matters so much)

but now!! onto the fun part, where I talk effusively about how much I love CQL!! this will probably be shorter (*prays*) because a lot of my frustrations with CQL are related to spiraling thematic consequences while the things I love are like. Simpler to pinpoint? If that makes sense? we’ll see.

CQL’s greatest virtues, also according to cyan:

1. this:

[ID: Wei Wuxian, trembling in fear, screaming “shijie!” as Jiang Cheng threatens him with Fairy in episode 34 of The Untamed drama. /end ID]

I understand that this is like, a very minor, specific detail change, but oh my GOD, it is like. Unparalleled. Every time I think about this change, I get so emotional and disappointed that it’s not in the novel, because I think it strengthens this scene tenfold. In the novel, Wei Wuxian calls out for Lan Zhan, which like, I get it. The story at this point is focused on the development of his romantic feelings for Lan Wangji, so the point of the scene is that the first person he thinks of in a moment of extreme fear is Lan Zhan, which surprises him. That’s fine. Like, it’s fine! But I think it doesn’t have nearly the same weight as Wei Wuxian calling for his sister to save him from his brother.

Having Wei Wuxian call out for his sister drives home the loss that the two of them have suffered, and highlights the relationship they all once had. Jiang Yanli is much more relevant to shuangjie’s narrative than Lan Wangji ever was, and this highlights exactly how deeply the fracturing of their familial relationship cuts. Wangxian gets so much time and focus throughout the rest of the novel. I love that this moment in the show is just about the Yunmeng siblings because that relationship is no less important, you know?

Calling out for Jiang Yanli in the show draws a much cleaner line through the dialogue. “You dare bring her up before me?” to “Don’t you remember what you said to Jin Ling?” It unifies the scene and twists the knife. It also gives us more insight into how fiercely Wei Wuxian was once beloved and protected by his siblings. Jiang Cheng promised to chase all the dogs away from Wei Wuxian when they were children. It’s clear that Jiang Yanli did as well.

Once upon a time, Wei Wuxian’s siblings defended him from his fears, and now one of them is dead and the other is using that fear to hurt him where he’s weakest. The reversal is so painfully juxtaposed, and it’s done with just that one flashback of Wei Wuxian as a child leaping into Jiang Yanli’s arms and calling out her name. Extremely good, economical storytelling. The conversation between shuangjie is much more focused on their own stories independent from Lan Wangji, which I very much appreciate. Wangxian, you’re wonderful, but this ain’t about you, and I don’t think it should be.

2. Extended Jiang Yanli content (and by extension, Jin Zixuan and Mianmian content)

Speaking of absolute goddess Jiang Yanli, I really loved what CQL did with her (unlike my more mixed feelings about Wen Qing). Having her in so many more scenes makes her importance to Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian a lot clearer, and we get to experience her as a person rather than an ideal.

On a purely aesthetic level, Jiang Yanli’s styling and character design is so stellar in CQL. The more prevalent design for her is kind of childish in the styling, which I don’t love (I think it’s the donghua influence?). And even I, someone who’s audio drama on main 24/7, personally prefer her CQL voice actor. There’s only a few characters in CQL that I look at and go “ah yes, that’s [character] 100%” and Jiang Yanli is one of them. I was blessed. I would lay down my life for her.

I’m really glad that CQL showed her illness more explicitly and gave her a sword, even if she never uses it! Her weak constitution is only mentioned once in the novel in chapter 69 in like two lines that I blew past initially because I was reading at breakneck speed and was only reminded of when my therapist who I conned into reading mdzs after 8 months of never shutting up oof brought it to my attention like two weeks ago. /o\

We never read about Jiang Yanli carrying a sword in the novel, though we are told that her cultivation is “mediocre”, so we know that she at least does cultivate, even if not very well. Highlighting her poor health in CQL makes her situation more clear, I think, and explains a little more about the way she’s perceived throughout the cultivation world as someone “not worthy of Jin Zixuan”. The novel tells us that Jiang Yanli is not an extraordinary beauty, not very good at cultivation, sort of bland in her expressions, and, very briefly, that she’s in poor health. I really love that description of Jiang Yanli, because it emphasizes that her worth has nothing at all to do with her talents, her health, her cultivation, her physical strength, or her beauty. She is the best person in the whole world, her brothers adore her, and the audience loves and respects her for reasons wholly unrelated to those value judgments. We love her because she is kind, because she is loyal, because she loves so deeply. Tbh, her only imperfection is falling for someone so tragically undeserving of her. (JK, I love you Jin Zixuan, and you do deserve her because you are an excellent boy who grows and changes and learns!! I can’t even be mean to characters as a joke god.)

Anyways, I just think the detail about her health is compelling and informs her character’s position in the world in a very specific way. I’m happy that CQL brought it to the forefront when it was kind of an easily-missed throwaway in the novel. It does mean something to me that Jiang Yanli, despite her poor physical health, is never once seen or treated as a burden by her brothers.

Something partially related that really hit hard was this:

[ID: two gifs. Jiang Yanli peeling lotus pods, looking up uncomfortably as her mother loses her temper about the Wen indoctrination at the table from episode 11 of The Untamed drama. /end ID]

D8 AAAAHHH this was VISCERAL. The novel is quite sparse in a lot of its descriptions and lets the audience fill in the missing details, so Jiang Yanli’s expression and reactions are not described when, after Jiang Cheng quickly volunteers to go to Qishan, Madam Yu accuses her of continuing to “happily peel lotus seeds” in such a dire situation.

“Of course you’ll go,” she snaps to Jiang Cheng. “Or else do you think we should let your sister go?”

This scene triggered me so bad lmfao, so I guess it’s kind of weird that I love it so much, but I felt Seen. Something about the way her nail slips in the second gif as she breaks open the pod is like. Oh, that’s a sense memory! Of me, as a child, witnessing uncomfortable conflict between people I cared about. I know this is an extremely personal bias, but hey, so is this whole meta. Because Jiang Yanli is often silent and quiet, it’s more her behavior and expressions that convey her character. It’s why the moment she lets loose on Jin Zixun is so powerful. We don’t get to see a lot of it in the novel, but because CQL is a visual medium, her character is a lot easier to pin down as a human as opposed to an abstract concept.

Anyways, in this moment, which I also think is a tangential reference to her weak constitution (it doesn’t feel like, “your sister can’t go because she’s a girl”; it feels like, “your sister can’t go because she couldn’t handle it”), we get to see Jiang Yanli’s own reaction to her perceived inadequacy. We see it in other places too—like how upset she is when Jin Zixuan dismisses her in several scenes, but this is the one that hits me the hardest because it’s about how her weakness is going to put her little brother in grave danger.

Last Yunmeng siblings with focus on Jiang Yanli scene that isn’t in the novel that I’m just absolutely wrecked over: the dream sequence in episode 28, when Jiang Yanli dreams about Wei Wuxian sailing away from her, but no matter how she shouts, or how she begs Jiang Cheng to help her, she can’t bring him back home.

I’m not going to gif it because I literally just like, fast-forwarded through it and started sobbing uncontrollably in front of my laptop, dear god.

I don’t know where the CQL writers found the backdoor directly into my brain’s nightmare center, but?? they sure did! IDK, I can see how this might be kind of heavy-handed, but it just. The sensation of being in a dream where something is going terribly wrong, but you’re the only one who seems to see it happening? But there’s nothing you can do? I feel like it’s a very fitting nightmare to give Jiang Yanli, who is acutely aware and constantly reminded of how little power she has in the world: not good enough for the boy she likes, not healthy enough to cultivate well, not strong enough to keep her family together.

The whole, elder siblings trying and failing to protect their younger siblings pattern is A Lot in the story, but there’s something particularly painful about seeing it happen to Jiang Yanli because of that awareness. All the other elder siblings are exceptionally talented or powerful in obvious ways. All Jiang Yanli has is the force of her will and the force of her love, and she knows it isn’t enough.

I care a lot about the Yunmeng siblings, okay! And I think CQL did right by them!

I’m only going to spend two seconds talking about Jin Zixuan and Mianmian, but I DO want to mention them.

Anyways, because we get more Jiang Yanli content, we ALSO get more soft xuanli, which is Very Good. Literally my kingdom for disaster het Jin Zixuan treating my girl right!! CQL said het rights, and I’m not even mad about it! I’m really happy that we get to see a little more of how their relationship plays out, and how hard Jin Zixuan works to change his behavior and apologize to her for his mistakes. The novel is from Wei Wuxian’s POV, so we miss the details, alas. Jin Zixuan covered in mud, planting lotuses? Blessed.

I think part of making Mianmian a larger speaking role is for convenience’s sake, but oh boy do I love that choice. Especially the Jin Zixuan & Mianmian relationship. Like, they’re so clearly platonic, and Mianmian is never once portrayed as a threat to Jiang Yanli. They just care about and respect each other a lot? Jin Zixuan’s distress when she defects from the Jin sect gets me in the heart, because it’s just like. God. I think there’s a lot of interesting potential there for her own thoughts re: Wei Wuxian. After all, she leaves her sect in defense of him, but he later kills a friend that she respects and loves. The moments shared between her and Jin Zixuan are minor, but they hint at a deeper relationship that I’m really glad was in the show.

3. To curb the strong, defend the weak: lantern scene (gusu) + rain scene (qiongqi dao 1.0)

I think I basically already explained why I love this so much in this post (just consider that post and this point to be the same haha), but just. Okay. A short addendum.

As much as I love novel wangxian, I really think that including this scene early on emphasizes why Lan Wangji loves Wei Wuxian so deeply. Of course he thinks Wei Wuxian is attractive, but this is the moment when he realizes, oh, this is who I love. Having that moment to reflect upon throughout Wei Wuxian’s descent is so excellent. I have enumerated all of my issues with the “perfectly righteous Wei Wuxian” arc that CQL crafted, but having this narrative throughline in conjunction with the novel arc would be like. My favored supercanon ahaha. (It would need some tweaking, but I think it would work.) It shows us exactly who it is that Lan Wangji sees and is trying to save, who he thinks is still there, underneath all the carnage and despair and violence and grief. This is the Wei Wuxian Lan Wangji loves and is unwilling to let go. This is the Wei Wuxian that Lan Wangji would kill for, that Lan Wangji would stand beside, that Lan Wangji would live for.

4. Meeting Songxiao

As much as I love the unnameable ache of Wei Wuxian never meeting Xiao Xingchen and learning only about his story through secondhand sources in the novel (and the really cool parallel to that where Xiao Xingchen tells A’Qing the story of Baoshan-sanren’s ill-fated disciples: both Xiao Xingchen and Wei Wuxian learn of each other only through the eyes of others, and that is Very Neat), I think the reversal that this meeting in episode 10 sets up wins out just slightly.

I said once in the tags on one of my posts that “songxiao is the tragic parallel of wangxian” and like. Yeah. Basically! If we take songxiao as romantic, the arc of their relationship happens inversely to wangxian, and that parallel is so much clearer and stronger when we have wangxian meeting songxiao in their youth.

The scene of their meeting really does have that Mood™ of uncertain youth seeing happy and secure adults living out the dreams that they’re afraid to name. Wei Wuxian’s eager little, “oh! just like me and Lan Zhan!! Right, Lan Zhan??” when songxiao talk about cultivating together through shared ideals and not blood is. Well, it’s Something.

When they meet again at Yi City, there’s a greater heaviness to it. So this is what happened to the people you once dreamed of becoming! Wangxian have already come to a point where they have an unspoken understanding of their relationship, but Songxiao have lost everything they once had. When Song Lan looks at wangxian, it’s like looking at a mirror of his past, and everyone in attendance knows it.

To me, that unspoken parallel is really emotionally and thematically valuable. All that good, and here is the tragedy that came of it.

okay, look! I managed to keep it shorter!! here are my honorable mentions: that scene where Jin Guangyao tries to hold Jin Ling and Jin Guangshan refuses to let him (it’s hating Jin Guangshan hours all day every day in this household), the grass butterfly leitmotif for Sizhui (im literally crying right now about it shut up), the Jiang Cheng/Wen Qing sideplot (look I know it’s wild that I actually liked that given that I headcanon JC as aspec, but I actually really like how it played out, specifically because Wen Qing and Wei Wuxian are NOT romantic—it sets up an unexpected and interesting comparison)

um. Anyways. I uh. really care about this story. And have a lot of thoughts, which I’m sure will continue to evolve. Maybe in 8 months I’ll return to this and go well, literally none of this applies anymore, but who knows! It’s how I feel right now. I cried literally three times while writing this because MDZS/CQL reached into my chest and yanked my heart right out of my body, but I had fun! *finger guns*

and like, I know I had a LOT to say about what frustrated me about CQL, but I really really hope it’s clear that I adore the show despite all of that. I talk a lot because I care a lot, and my brain only has one setting.

anon, this was like 1000% more than you bargained for, I’m SURE, (and I’m still exercising some restraint, if you can. believe that.) but I hope that you or someone out there got something out of it! if you made it all the way to the end of this meta, wow!! consider me surprised and grateful!!

time to crawl back into my hovel so I can write Lan Xichen fic and cry

(ko-fi? ;A;)

#the untamed #the untamed meta #mdzs #mdzs meme #mo dao zu shi #mine #mymeta #asks and replies #Anonymous #HOOOOOO BOY GUYS #we are just shy of 10k on this #*buries face in hands*#cyan writes #cyan gets too deep in the weeds #i will be shocked if more than like ten people read this #by the end it was just like well i guess this is just for me now lmfao #anyways. i will now. leave the internet for a while. thanks

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rainbowsky · 2 years

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SDOC4 Episode 10

Still trying to get through it all before the finale, wish me luck! 😅

Round One - Duo Battles

Keven and Jr. Taco vs Gogo Brothers

Keven and Jr Taco

I loved to see the encouragement DD gave the team. He's a good captain.

If you read my post from last week then you can probably guess what I'm about to say. Jr Taco just isn't always on with choreography. I have to hand it to him he really gave it a good effort and he actually did a pretty good job, but at this stage of the game, 'good' isn't good enough.

I was of two minds about the choreography. It was the right route to take, to go with humor, but I think it was a mistake to try to challenge Jr Taco too much. It would have been way smarter to find his strengths and build on them for that performance. I felt a little bit bad for him because it's not really his fault that he didn't do a great job. He was pushed outside of his comfort zone, and his comfort zone is already challenged with this type of choreography.

It's a shame that the last couple episodes have really highlighted his weaknesses as a dancer, because I know he's a lot better than he appears to be in these past couple episodes. I wish there were more opportunities for him to show his strengths, because he is a great dancer.

I also will never get used to the body shaming that sometimes happens in things like this. I know it's not viewed with the same distaste in other cultures as it is in my own, but I have a really hard time believing that it doesn't make those targeted by it feel uncomfortable and diminished.

Gogo Brothers

It was obvious to me before this battle even started that they were going to win. They are impossible to beat with anything other than pure perfection, and it was highly unlikely that Keven and Jr Taco were going to be able to come up with something that would meet that level.

Rei continues to amaze me. He is an outstanding dancer. They both are. Not much to say, they're just great.

Hearing them talk about their relationship and seeing the photos of them as kids really choked me up. I love those two.

Tao Tao and Cici vs Xiao Jie and Xiao Ji

Tao Tao and Cici

This was an absolutely beautiful performance. Miles better than the one they did in a previous episode. Much much better, I can't even believe it's the same two people.

A huge range of emotion, a huge range of movement, great use of the stage. It all felt very open and alive and breathing. Their costumes were perfect for this, and they both looked so fresh and youthful and airy.

Having said that, they didn't give us anything new or surprising. It was very much the type of thing I would have expected them to do. I feel like someone could have listened to the song and more or less narrated what was likely to happen in their performance without having seen it yet.

More and more I feel like you really have to be into a certain brand of het romance to enjoy them fully. Predictable romantic tropes that pull on the heart strings in a predictable way. So while I can appreciate their skill and talent, it's just not my kind of thing.

The thing about straight romantic stuff like this is that - while it can be universally appealing if it gives a sense of discovery or excitement - if it's 'the same old thing' it turns the other direction and becomes alienating. At least for me as a queer person.

This is all the same stuff that is shoved down our throats every single day in every single advertisement, in every single drama and every single movie. In the conversations people have at work or at family gatherings, etc. etc.

I think that if straight people went out into the world one day and suddenly gay romance was being shoved down their throat everywhere they went, they wouldn't like it any more than I do with het stuff. They seem completely self-unaware of just how boring and stifling it all becomes.

It's hard to explain, but I feel like this type of romanticism takes itself too seriously.

Look at Bouboo and Momo's performance from the previous week. Adorable, sweet, charming. It's hard to articulate exactly what rubs me the wrong way about Tao Tao and Cici lately, but I'm just so over it. They are outstanding dancers and choreographers. I'm just not into the type of storytelling they do.

Xiao Jie and Xiao Ji

Wow. I was totally not prepared for those two to come out and do.... this. I don't even really know what to say about this performance. It was so unusual for them and so interesting, and there were some really amazing moments that blew me away.

I've got to hand it to these guys, they have a special talent for creating smart, witty, thought provoking work. This was so original, and it was packed full of clever, high impact moments. Like DD said, there was an aha moment every few beats.

In terms of execution, it was good overall. My only critique would be that Xiao Ji did show some hesitation a couple of times, which made some of the transitions a bit jerky. More practice would have ironed that stuff out.

That minor nitpick aside, I really enjoyed this piece. Even though a part of me felt wary because I couldn't tell if they were making fun of same sex romance on some level (I'm not great at reading social cues). The energy and casual power of what they put together impressed the hell out of me.

Someone give these guys a show of their own. Not only are they an excellent team when it comes to dance, they are both dripping with personality and have a knack for delivering witty, engaging banter. I always find myself sad to see them leave the stage, even though all they're really doing is chewing the fat and eating into the show time (and extending how much SDOC I have to get caught up on 😅).

Poppin C and MT Pop vs Stone and Acky

Poppin C and MT Pop

Good to see these two taking things in a new direction. I found this performance very funny and cute, but with some smart, skillful moves. There were surprises, and it was a very energetic.

My only issue is that I felt the theme was front and centre, not the dance. There were moments in the performance where the whole 'cute' shtick started to feel like a distraction, and not something that flowed naturally through the moves they were doing. For that reason it came across as a little bit gimmicky. Like it was too conscious of the tone it was trying to set.

I love that they brought something so unexpected and so fun, though, and there were some great moments. LOVED their looks.

Stone and Acky

It's moments like this that you really see the experience and power of Acky. He is such a strong dancer, and should never be underestimated. The man is a master.

I loved their choice of theme, and it was well-executed overall. I think it just didn't capture the imagination of the judges the way the cutesy stuff did. But it did have some weaknesses.

Their transitions were practically nonexistent at times. Rather than flow into the next segment of the performance, they'd just walk to a different position on the stage. There were a few issues with their syncing. The jacket thing was a mistake (what's with street dancers and their jackets?! it's not interesting!). It felt like the jackets wore them and not the other way around.

Having said that, I actually enjoyed this performance more than the previous one. I enjoyed seeing their tribute to old school dance styles, and Acky is just so watchable as a dancer.

Bouboo and Tooozin vs Rochka and Mr Three

Bouboo and Tooozin

This was a fun and lighthearted performance, and very creative. However, it just didn't reach the level it needed to - not in terms of humor or of the theme - to outclass the other performance. They didn't commit to the 'cowboy and horse' theme enough in their choreography for it to come across as anything other than a gimmick. What a missed opportunity.

This performance left me with a ton of questions. Why is the horse slapping the rider? Why are they fighting? Why is the horse a lot of time not really acting like a horse?

DD was right when he gave his rehearsal feedback - they needed to make the whole thing read more clearly.

Much like with some of the issues I had with the previous week's performances from some of the dancers, these guys didn't sell me the story. They made me wonder why the cowboy and horse were dancing together. It just didn't feel natural or 'in character', and I didn't get a clear narrative from them. What did I just watch?

I had some issues with the humor as well. It was just too 'low hanging fruit' in terms of the comedic devices they tried to use, and it came off as silly rather than funny. They should have gone deadpan instead. it would have read a LOT better. If they were acting all Serious Business and Tooozin had a vibe of, "Why are you laughing at my horse?" it would have been hilarious.

They are both great dancers. We already knew that. What we needed to see was a strong, committed performance, and we didn't get that.

I also felt the costumes were a bit lacking, which didn't help them sell the story. Bouboo didn't look enough like a horse and Tooozin didn't look enough like a cowboy. It just didn't work for me. Sorry guys.

Rochka and Mr Three

Everything Bouboo and Tooozin's performance was lacking, we found in this one. These two really committed to their story and made it come to life. Not only that, but they infused it with amazing wit and some very clever devices. The whole slo-mo fight bit in the middle was inspired.

They worked their strengths to their fullest advantage and gave us a clear story and two characters whose actions and outcomes I felt invested in. Brilliant use of the other dancers and the screen at the back to drive the story home at the end and give the audience a fun reveal.

What more can I say - it was just an outstanding performance. The story, the choreography, the costumes, the attitude, the quality of dance. Well done.

Poor DD and Team Boom!, in last place this round. 😔

Round Two - Free Choreography

I have to say, I loved this section of the show. The blend of cultural and street dance elements is so appealing and so beautiful. I love that they are putting more emphasis on this for a lot of the performances.

Huang Xiao and George

Beautiful piece. I was struck by the balanced contrast between the graceful, elegant movements of the fish and the strong, bold movements of the fisherman.

The stage setting was outstanding - so beautiful - and it really helped to transport the viewer into the story. There were some stunning moves and a lot of 'wow' moments in this piece. Absolutely outstanding. So well done.

Ma Xiaolong, Ibuki, AC, Fanfan and Eleven

I have to admit, I was squirming with excitement to see a new piece from Ma Xiaolong. I STAN. And he definitely did not disappoint. I knew he wouldn't. I don't even know if he's capable of letting an audience down.

When he settled on silk embroidery art as the theme for this, I was very curious to see how he would translate that into something that reads well for the viewer.

Once again, he shows why he's such a master of choreography. I was completely blown away by this piece. It felt like I could actually see the cloth and fibres in their hands. So exquisitely choreographed, and so exquisitely danced.

I was proud of this team, especially AC, who totally redeemed himself after the previous episode. Which only goes to reinforce what I was trying to say last week - that often what comes across as a failure of the dancer is actually the failure of the choreographer. Good choreography should make the dancers shine, and this definitely did.

The big standout here was Ibuki. She really nailed the character, and every movement was precise, elegant and totally convincing. Wow. She earned that outrageously expensive, outrageously beautiful landscape.

It's exciting to see such quality work this season, it really is.

Also, I have to add that I love Fan Fan so much. She seems like such a fun person to hang around with. I think she and I would get along well.

Han Yu, Chika and Chunlin

As a huge kung fu fan, I was excited about this piece, and it really delivered on the power and intensity I had been hoping for. Wow.

They didn't just give us a series of martial arts moves and poses, they gave us dance, in a martial arts style. So cool. Wow. I absolutely loved their fast-paced, precision synchronized sequences, too. They are so damn good at that.

Why isn't CHIKA getting the attention she deserves? Is it because she's a woman? She's one of the top dancers on the show. She has the skill, the flavor, the discipline, the attitude to go to to to with any of the other dancers. I absolutely love watching her.

I agree that playing up the drunken boxing would have been entertaining, but it might have messed with the overall balance of things and been a visual distraction, and might have taken what was a really intense, exciting piece and turned it into comedy.

Loved it so much. Well done.

The whole banter about 'which dancer CHIKA chooses' really rubbed me the wrong way. I get that it was a continuation of some moments from the past, but it came across as positioning her as a love interest rather than respecting her as a dancer. I mean she's such a standout dancer. Let's talk about that, please.

I get that she's gorgeous and all the straight men are probably drooling over her, but... yeah it just bugged me. I don't think a single word was said about her individual performance this round, yet we got more than 3 full minutes of this sexist banter. That's longer than their entire performance!

David, Momo, Hilty and Bosch

GOD I LOVE DD SO MUCH. I always enjoy the interactions between him and his team. He is such a good captain, and does a good job of helping them elevate their work. I always get excited when I see him giving feedback because it's inevitably smart, fair and unvarnished. He shows them the respect of believing they can do better, and gives them the support of clear ideas on how.

The dance itself was fantastic. They always deliver a high degree of difficulty, and do it well. The story was just a bit incoherent and I felt like I lost the plot along the way. When the cups tipped and they started to play with the paint, I was confused.

However, the dance just got better and more exciting from that point. They gave a great performance. I came away with very mixed feelings. I didn't understand the story, but I enjoyed the performance.

The intro part where they were grabbing each other's arms was one of my favorite parts of this performance. It was so well coordinated and created a lot of dramatic suspense and tension.

I was surprised to see DD's team win this round. I felt like I must be missing something because it seemed to me that their story lacked coherence, but that's probably just because I didn't understand it. Other people were quite enthusiastic about it so I will assume it's just a shortcoming in my comprehension.

Not complaining. Team Boom! is my bias, and I'm glad to see them do well. And it's not like their performance wasn't great.

Round Three - Battle

My thoughts in point form:

Han Yu keeps impressing me. He really is strong. There's something missing, though, in his connection with the music. It makes his performances a bit less convincing. However, he just keeps getting better every time I see him.

Poppin C is so good. When he's on, he's ON. Mind blowing. Plastic man.

Bouboo is a master who rises to every occasion and consistently shows me something new. I am surprised by how much he still surprises me.

Are Momo and Bouboo dating or something? There's such flirtatious banter from her...

Rochka is unbelievable. So versatile, so much energy and style, so much originality, so many WOW moves.

Ibuki is a powerhouse, and unbelievably charismatic. She has so much strength as a battler.

David works so damn hard. The guy never quits. He's a real fighter who knows how to pull out the right moves at the right time.

Acky is amazing. One of the things I love about him is how mobile he is. He covers so much ground, and in such an exciting way.

Rei has such endless musicality and style. His skill is through the roof. Love him so much.

Half the fun of every battle is watching DD cheer for the dancers. They should have a 'DD cam' up in the corner at all times, or beter yet, a split-screen view.

As much as I love Rei, I was pissed when he won that last battle with David. His was the superior performance, and that's not bias speaking. I generally prefer Rei over David as a dancer. But here, David showed better dance moves, he was deeper in the music, he showed more originality and breadth. I love Rei, but his performance that round was too static.

Eliminations

I knew DD would get rid of Tooozin and Jr Taco. No surprises there.

I wasn't surprised by Han Geng's choices either. Fan Fan and Xiao Ji are both amazing, but as the team goes into the semifinals the other dancers are a safer bet.

Henry getting rid of CHIKA was an outrage. She is the second-strongest dancer on his team. Tao Tao and Cici aren't going to win him the big prize, and Han Yu didn't come through for him in the battle, but CHIKA has been solid throughout. Wow. Not happy. Especially after he promised her a chance to show herself. Argh.

Rochka is such a softie. I love him so much.

One more episode before the finale! Getting excited. Although very, very tired! 😅

IMPORTANT: Please, when responding to this post, remember not to give any spoilers. I want people (including myself) to be able to read the notes of these posts and not get spoiled. Thanks!

The rest of the season's recaps can be found here.

#wang yibo #sdoc4 #sdoc spoilers #sdoc4 recap

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practicalmagicintuitions · 3 years

Text

“The fates lead the willing and drag the unwilling”

I was thinking about that last MT podcast HC had when he mentioned stoicism and a book I have but I haven’t read yet. So I decided to deep dive in a little bit because I studied philosophy at the university at a very basic level but I always wanted to know more, so this seems a good occasion. I am also interested in what HC could see in this philosophy school. I think we all know at this point he is interested in things that interest his people, not necessarily him or he is dropping ideas, new things fast. So one part of this will be a summary of stoicism because I feel many people have misconceptions or don’t know what is this just saying this is sh*t even don’t have the slightest idea about it. The other part will be a little HC armchair analysis by me throughout this topic. And I also decided to read the book he mentioned - Viktor E. Frankl Man's Search for Meaning - and maybe I will walk through it or give you a summary if you interested.

Bare with me, because this turned out to be long, but I had to get out his from my system.

Not soon after the pandemic and the lockdown started in 2020 Penguin Random House said the print sales of Marcus Antonius’s Meditations are up 28% for the first quarter of 2020 vs 2019, while print sales of Letters from a Stoic are up 42% for the same period. The ebook sales rose by 356% . This boom was because of the pandemic but the popularity of modern stoicism has been an upcoming thing for a while especially since people like Bill Gates or Warren Buffet allegedly used stoicism in their business and Thomas Kaplan is supporting a Stoicism Course at Brown University. But unfortunately, modern stoicism has become kind of a ready-made lifehack, a self-helping method, that’s why books like Ryan Holiday’s one could be published and becomes a success. This is where I see modern stoicism’s faults.

Stoicism seems a good school to support or to follow in the pandemic because this is about we have to accept the things we have no control over. Probably that’s why the sales went up. This is about don’t letting uncontrollable things or events messing with your judgment and clarity. Fear, screams, panic, rages don’t help. And I think we can agree this is true. Aurelius wrote his Meditations in the middle of a battle when his men were dying not just because of the fights but because of a pox epidemic and top of that he was an Emperor. So to maintain his sanity he had become a stoic. He didn’t have an influence on the epidemic so he just accept it and didn’t spend his energy raging about it.

Stoicism was founded by Zenon around 300 BC. And it was a thriving and popular school without huge wars or pandemics or anything. Back then it was not a reaction to something but a preparation for something. More directly prepare yourself the thing you cannot be prepared for. And probably this is the OG stoicism most valuable teaching that there are events in this world we simply cannot control. What we can control however how we react to those events. Are we remain calm or think this is a catastrophe. Let see a very basic example. We are mortals, we will die no matter what. This is a sure event we have no control over. What we can control that our view on this. Will we panic? Refuse to even talk about death or refuse to make a will because “OMG I will die then!!” Like spoiler alert, it will happen, will or no will. Or we understand our time is limited and try to enjoy it and not see smaller inconveniences are tragedies. I am sure we all know people who think if they spill themselves over with coffee or the handle of the grocery’s bag comes off it’s a pure tragedy and they are capable of thinking about this all day as something it is happening with them always an exclusively.

Until this, I think it’s all good we can use this in our daily life. What is dangerous in the OG stoicism is that the stricter wing of it thought emotions as a whole or almost all of it cause confusion so you basically should eliminate emotions to have that clarity on life. That’s why Diogenes wrote that the wise is emotionless. And this is the main and very valid criticism again stoics, that with taking away the emotions they basically ripping of humans from something very unique valuable, important, because our emotions make us humans. And because living totally emotionless is kinda impossible this goal is not realistic, so it causes many frustrations ( oh my... even more emotions!) Because think about it, who are described as emotionless? Psychopaths.

You have cases, events, when your emotions, even overflowing ones are right and acceptable and suppressing them, could be dangerous. Because realistic or not Marcus Aurelius and Seneca and the other stoics idea was not just watching the world and letting things happen, shrugging a shoulder and say nothing, no! Their philosophy and aim were to eliminate the bothering things which not let you think calmly. And since we are talking about philosophy the reality of this in practice is secondary. Critics also think ( and maybe the modern stoicism is going in this direction) that a hardcore stoics care only about themself and their egos while Seneca says friendships are important and in general most stoics accepted positive feelings (to a certain extent).

Stoicism comes back to life mostly in psychotherapy around 1900 by Paul Dubois ( before him there was another new wave of stoicism in the 16th century) and that’s where Victor E Frankle is connected to this topic. I haven’t read his book yet but I know his method is called logotherapy (logos= meaning) and this was born in the deepest existential crisis when his whole family was killed in a concentration camp and he felt he had remained only one personal freedom, the way how he reacts to the circumstances. Frankle invented his own method so he is not just planted some ancient in the modern world but he in fact thought Socrates and his philosophy is his inspiration. I won’t talk about this more until I read his book.

* I wanted to listen to the whole podcast again, but I couldn’t so I just went to the part we care about now.

So they are talking about morning routines and he mention that one of his teachers in primary school said to him “Always expect the unexpected” This is pure stoicism and while I am not suggesting he is lying I noticed he likes to blend his current interest with his childhood memories like when he said at the WitcherCon how they had to build a fantasy castle in the school (or something) and this was such good preparation for him because he has a fantasy series now. Convenient right?

So he mentioned the teacher and a little later hinting that he is into stoicism lately. Question is, which comes first? The teacher with the stoic idea or the stoicism as a new interest somehow repainted his childhood memories?

Then he again is talking about the stoic’s way of control. Or does he?

“ focusing on the thing you can control and make yourself better to control them”

This was never part of the OG philosophy because that is not about being a control freak. It is actually the opposite. If you cannot control something let it go, not force things to go on your way and if you failed then you let go.

The next part it’s not about this topic but I have to mention it because I kinda overlooked it when I listed this at the first time.

He is asked about the fitness industry’s mistakes and he said

“I wouldn’t be the kinda person to point my finger at anyone and say there is a big mistake there…. I wouldn’t ever want to point to finger at anyone saying there is a mistake “

So… should I insert the FO post here? And I know the question and the answer was about fitness but he clearly has no problem pointing fingers at people.

This leads to us again to the control topic. His FO post is creaming about controlling. “ You don’t like the way I am dating? You don’t like I have a covid romance? Then I will tell you what to do and how to behave because I need to have control over my fandom”

When the host asked him about overcoming obstacles he mention the book - Victor E. Frankl Man's Search for Meaning. (he also said it’s difficult to give advice…)

While he is talking about the book (and for me, it’s clear that the host doesn’t give a damn about this) so HC’s whole tone is changed. Just compare when he is talking about MT and training and so on, he is so irritating and unlistenable but here he is calmer, doesn’t use his voice so expressively, doesn’t emphasise that much in a sentence etc. This to me shows he is actually craving after something more, something deeper, something serious. Not just talking about his ties and blueberry smoothies. I don’t think is dumb (I think he has dumb choices thought) I think he could be more both as an actor both as an individual because when he was talking about the book I felt he has a true, genuine interest and it was a one-second opportunity to talk about something interesting not just fart powder.

I feel his interest in stoicism is an attempt to validate why he is oppressing his feelings. I am sure he does this because he is uncomfortable with his feelings, past and present. For example, I think instead of the bullying his main trauma is being sent away from home to a boarding school and experiencing cold treatment from his mom (the infamous stop calling story). But he oppressing this because I guess all of his brothers he is looking up to loves their mom and he feels he needs to be a good son but questioning his mom means he is a bad one. So instead of admitting that he is hurt and damaged by it he is saying the bullying was his worst experience.

This means to me he doesn’t understand stoicism, ancient or modern he just wants and moreover, he needs something he can hold and cling to, something that gave himself meaning. As a book’s title says: Man’s search for meaning. And I feel HC does this maybe a little bit desperately. Searching for the answers and this moment he thinks stoicism is the key to finding what he is looking for while in reality, the main problem is he doesn’t ask the right questions. And without them, he won’t find any answer. Or meaning.

Title quote from Seneca

#pmitarotreadings

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asthmark · 4 years

Text

❝ only us ❞, n.jm

summary → it was obvious to anyone that you guys had practiced this various times. or maybe it was just natural chemistry? jaemin isn’t sure what’s worse.

request → “could you write about bestfriend jaemin getting jealous when he sees you kiss jeno for a play at school that you're in” (anon)

word count → 3k

a/n → this request made me so incredibly happy because all the knowledge i acquired my musical phase finally came in handy!! also i haven’t listened to dear evan hansen since i downloaded the illegal bootleg on my laptop like last year so i don’t remember much abt it :( i just kind of described it really vaguely lol anyway hope u enjoy ;)

jaemin dropped his backpack carelessly onto the floor of the crowded cafeteria. he set his plate down on the lunch table, not even glancing at you as he eagerly dug into his food.

“sorry i’m late,” he says to you, eyes concentrated on the orange citrus in his hand. his fingers skillfully begin peeling off the skin. “i had to stay a couple minutes after history class as punishment for eating during the lesson.”

you roll your eyes, an amused smile on your face. “disappointed but not surprised.”

at hearing this comment, he glares at you. “hey, i didn’t have breakfast today and my stomach was growling like, really loud! seriously, it sounded like a whale mating call or something.”

“and who’s fault is that?” you ask, tucking your hands beneath your chin.

he frowns as he pops an orange wedge in his mouth. “mine, i guess. but it’s only because coach told me i should eat less if i wanna play better. something about less body mass making it easier to move around the court.”

“well, i’m pretty sure he didn’t mean skipping out on entire meals, doofus,” you retort. “breakfast is the most important meal of the day, isn’t that what everyone says?”

“true.” suddenly, his eyes light up. “so, you’re gonna start bringing me breakfast in the morings?”

you raise an eyebrow. “i’m sorry, when did we decide on that?”

he flashes you one of his infamous na jaemin smiles. “just now.”

“yeah well, tell your coach you’ll be losing that weight because there’s no way i’m going to wake up at the crack of dawn just to get you a mcmuffin.”

“but it would make my mornings so much better,” he whines. “having basketball practice so early sucks but with my cute little cheerleader there it would be totally worth it... the mcdonald’s is a bonus.”

you can’t help but laugh. “sorry nana, but i prefer sleeping in over watching a bunch of sweaty guys toss a ball around at 6 a.m.”

“fine... buy me a coffee after school and i’ll let you slide.”

“maybe tomorrow, i’ve got theatre today.”

“well, after that then,” he suggests.

you shake your head. “but then you’d have to wait and we’re doing a full rehearsal today.”

he shrugs. “i can wait, i don’t have practice.”

“yeah but i know how you are, na jaemin. you have the attention span of a goldfish.”

“not when it comes to you. you always have my attention.”

you’re about to laugh at what you assumed had been a purposefully cliché one-liner on his behalf but there’s no sign that he was joking. his devilish smirk and teasing eyes that usually appeared when he flirted with the girls on campus were nowhere to be found. instead you’re met with a straight face and his glimmering eyes that seem almost expectant, concentrated on you only. it takes you by surprise. was he being serious or something? the thought alone has your heart beat steadily increasing.

“okay fine, fine. anything for you to stop staring at me like that.”

he tilts his head to the side, resembling a lost puppy. “staring at you like what?”

“like—“ you pause, debating on whether or not you should say it. “like you’re in love with me or something.”

he only chuckles. “you have no idea.”

you almost choke on your sandwich. before you have a chance to ask him what in the world he meant by that, one of his teammates from the basketball team appears behind him, stealing his attention away.

“hey jaem,” donghyuck greets as he ruffles the younger boy’s hair. “coach just called a team meeting.”

“right now?” jaemin asks, displeased.

the brunette nods, folding his arms over his chest.

jaemin suppresses a groan as he stands and grabs his belongings. “sorry y/n. i’ll see you later for your rehearsals, okay?”

you nod. “see you later, nana.”

“bye jaemin’s girlfriend!” donghyuck exclaims receiving a punch in the arm from your ‘boyfriend’ although he doesn’t deny.

“i’m excited,” comments jaemin later that day. he has a bright grin on his face as you make your way through the hallway to the multipurpose room where you usually went for theatre club .

“oh really? i didn’t know you liked musicals.”

“well not really. but i like you.”

for the second time in one day, jaemin catches you off guard. you kick yourself for letting his shamelessness get to you. after all, wasn’t he like that with every girl? he had always been a charmer, you knew that before you had even met him.

na jaemin—point guard and certified flirt.

the only reason you had grown closer was due to him being in critical need of academic help and your teacher seeing you as a fit tutor. at first everyone found it amusing; the classic popular guy and quiet girl cliche. nobody had expected that you two would become practically glued by the hip. especially not you. maybe that was why you were so opposed to jaemin flirting with you. you were best friends but you knew how he was: not interested but never one to turn down any kind of attention. there was just no way that among so many girls you would be an exception.

“well, i hope you can like me for two hours because that’s probably how long this is gonna take,” you say, trying to move the conversation forward.

“i already told you, i have nowhere to be!” he exclaims. “besides, when would i ever turn down an opportunity to stare at you for a couple hours?”

you can’t help but roll you eyes, playfully. “please refrain from using any of your cheesy pick up lines on me while we’re there.”

“why?” he whines. “are you embarrassed of me?” when you turn to look at him he’s making those ridiculous puppy eyes that he knows you find hilarious.

you snort at seeing the familiar face. “when you do that, definitely.”

“alright fine. i’ll try to be on my best behavior in front of your little theatre friends.”

“thank you.” despite not believing a word he says, you still push open the door leading to the multipurpose room.

before you even get one foot in the door, your cast mate is already in your face.

“y/n, finally!” he says, looking beyond relieved at your presence. “i thought you’d never come! c’mon, you gotta change into your costume so we can start.”

“it’s not even opening night, jeno, calm down!” you say, laughing. “and i’m only a couple minutes late, it’s fine.”

he frowns. “you know how anxious i get. everything needs to be perfect.”

“yeah i know, sorry renjun.”

jeno makes a face, showcasing his disgust with your comment that compared him to your strict director. “shut up, you’re gonna summon him.”

“summon who?”

speak of the devil.

you shake your head at renjun who has appeared besides jeno. “not important.”

he smiles sarcastically, brushing his blonde bangs out of his face. “oh good. so can we move on to the actually important things now? like how you’re 6 minutes late?”

you sigh. “i had to wait outside jaemin’s class that’s on the other side of campus, sorry.”

but renjun doesn’t seem to care about your apology. instead, his attention has shifted to jaemin who stands behind you, hands stuffed into his pockets and eyes curiously observing the interactions between you and your friends.

“hello there.” your director moves past you, extending his hand towards your best friend which he takes awkwardly. “pleasure to meet you. you’re on the basketball team, right? i heard you scored the winning touchdown at the last game. congrats!”

“um, it’s just called a point in basketball but... thank you.”

renjun ignores jaemin’s correction. “is it your first time visiting the theater club?”

the brunette nods.

“oh, that’s wonderful! do you plan on coming to see our play on the 15th of this month?”

jaemin scratches the back of his head. “um... to be honest, i didn’t even know you guys had one coming up.”

renjun laughs, harder than usual. “that’s quite alright. it’s called ‘dear evan hansen’. it’s about the trials of high school life for a depressed teen who’s caught in a huge lie.” his hands fly around wildly, using them for emphasis as he dramatically explains the plot to jaemin. “you should come support us!”

“well, i would love t—“

“great! entry is $10.00, cash only. and definitely invite the rest of the basketball team!” with that, renjun rushes off, shouting something about how that was ‘exactly how to sell tickets for the play’ to the rest of the staff.

jaemin gives you a confused stare. “what just happened?”

you chuckle and give him a pat on the back. “you just experienced firsthand what we call here at the theater club the huang renjun effect. never fails to suck somebody into buying tickets for our shows.”

“well, now i kinda wanna buy one.” he turns to you, his eyes widening so big it’s comical. “wow, he’s good.”

“he’s more of a salesman than a director, that’s what you always say, right?” you turn to jeno who nods at the statement. “oh, this is jeno, by the way. he’s one of the few people around here who is not crazy.”

jeno waves at jaemin who smiles weakly at him, too busy observing his physique to say anything. his costume consisted of a blue polo shirt that made his biceps and veiny arms much more prominent. the shirt was pretty tight as well, making his toned chest and torso visible to just about anyone. the khakis he wore were fitted and his thick thighs were impossible to ignore. jaemin can’t help but wonder what a guy with his body was doing in a theatre club when he could be such a useful player on the court.

he looks up at his face, his cheeks curved into a smile that reached his squinted eyes. he would admit, he was a good looking dude. he then glances at you and realizes—you spent almost everyday with jeno. he feels guilty for it but he can’t stop himself from feeling slightly threatened by your cast mate.

jeno clears his throat, trying to ignore the awkward silence that has settled upon the three of you. “um, it was nice meeting you.” he shifts his attention to you. “i’m gonna finish getting ready.”

once he has left, you let out a giggle that you had been holding in during the entire exchange. “what’s the matter? you got all choked up just now. look, i know jeno’s hot but you gotta keep your cool just like the rest of us, okay?”

he frowns as he folds his arms over his chest, your last comment only fueling his feelings. “quit teasing me.”

“aw c’mon, you know i gotta give you a hard time,” you say, knocking his shoulder with yours. “it’s my duty as your best friend.”

before he can even respond, renjun’s voice is heard, being amplified by the megaphone in his hand. “rehearsals will start in 15 minutes instead of 5 because y/n wants to chit-chat with her friend instead of going to hair and makeup!”

you scowl at having been called out. “alright, i’ve gotta go get ready. please enjoy the show, though, okay?”

jaemin nods, smiling at seeing the genuine glint in your eyes. “of course.”

you were reaching the half point of the musical and jaemin had already cried twice.

with the looks he was receiving from the stage crew and even some of the cast members up on stage, he could tell they hadn’t expected him to be as emotional as he was but he couldn’t help it. the play was incredibly sad and he found himself not even knowing who to pity.

there was jeno’s character, evan hansen, who was stuck in a hole he had dug himself into but there was still a bit of him that was innocent and so helpless.

then there was connor murphy played by a kid named park jisung, who had only been around for a couple of scenes since his character was so tormented he had taken his life at the beginning of the play.

there were many other supporting roles, such as family members or friends and they all seemed to have their own issues but the character that truly got to him was yours.

you were playing zoe murphy, connor’s sister who was grappling with the death of her brother the entire musical, not sure whether to mourn him or remember him for the abusive person he was. in fact, your performance had tugged at jaemin’s heart strings so intensely that your solo song was the reason he had cried the first time around.

your acting skills had impressed him and your vocals left him stunned. all the times you and him had carpooled and sung the songs on the radio at the top of your lungs, he had never noticed your heavenly pipes. now that he had, he could feel himself becoming even more into you, if that was possible.

he sat on the edge of his seat, eyes focused intently on you and jeno as the 10th song began. as soon as the sound of the soft piano begins, jaemin prepares himself to shed tears once more but to his surprise, it seemed to be taking a more romantic turn.

he could only watch as you and jeno sang about being together and not letting go of each other... basically saying everything he wanted to tell you. he knew it was all a part of the act but seeing a guy as perfect as jeno pour his feelings out to you as you watched him with heart eyes and sang about how mutual it was proved to be incredibly tough. it made him feel like all his shameless flirts and stares that were too long to be just friendly were useless. why couldn’t making you his be as easy as jeno was making it seem?

before he can beat himself up for it anymore you and jeno lock lips. it isn’t just a quick peck, either. your hand tangles itself into his gelled back hair and his hand ends up on your waist as your lips move against each other, rhythmically. it was obvious to anyone that you guys had practiced this various times. or maybe it was just natural chemistry? jaemin isn’t sure what’s worse. all he knows is that he can’t take another second of watching you two engage in your passionate kiss when all he wishes is that he were in jeno’s shoes.

so, without a second thought he gets up and rushes out the door. he doesn’t look back at you because he doesn’t want to see the confusion and disappointment that will surely be on your face. he doesn’t want to deal with the consequences of his childish actions. he doesn’t stop running until he reaches the gym and takes a seat in the bleachers. he doubles over, head in his hands as he pants heavily in an attempt to catch his breath.

shortly after, much to his surprise, the door swings open and there you stand.

“what are you doing here?” he asks, sitting up straight.

“me? what about you, jaemin?” you approach him, slowly. “you just ran out of the room, for god’s sake. everyone’s worried, i’m worried.”

he feels another wave of guilt wash over him for interrupting your rehearsal and going against the one thing he said he was going to do: behave. “please go back. i’m fine, y/n. just needed a breather.”

“oh no,” you say walking up the stairs to the top row of bleachers where your best friend sits. “don’t ‘i’m fine, y/n’ me. you are most definitely not fine.” once you reach him you take a seat to his left, making sure to leave a generous space between you and him. “what happened back there? i swear, if renjun said anything to you i’ll personally make sure he never looks in your direction again.”

“no, it’s not that.” he pauses. “you and jeno were just—“ he trails off, his throat going dry.

you carefully place a hand on his arm, letting him know you would wait for anything he had to say.

“you were just really convincing.”

“well, isnt that a good thing?”

“it was... too much for me to see,” he confesses.

“so, what you’re saying is it’s too unrealistic? do we need to tone it down a bit?”

he nearly groans in frustration. “it’s not that! i wanted to be him, y/n! i want to feel your lips and hear about how much you want me!”

you retract your hand from his arm. “are you serious right now?”

he shoots you a harsh look and you notice how his eyes are glossed over, confirming just how serious he was. he gets up to leave, accepting his rejection before you grab his arm again and yank him down. he lands back on the bench and stares at you, visibly puzzled.

“if you would have waited a second longer you would know how badly i want those things too, you goldfish.”

the tears in his eyes fall but he still shoots you a toothy grin, showing he was anything but unhappy. you bring your hand up to his face, your thumb softly rubbing away the wet stains on his cheek. he unconsciously leans into your touch, never once breaking eye contact. once he’s had enough of delicate touches, he pulls you into his chest and you breathe in his scent—peppermint and coffee.

“i’m sorry.”

“for what?”

“for basically trading spit with jeno right in front of you.”

“it’s alright, baby... let me be the only person you practice that kiss scene with and i’ll let you slide.”

“deal.”

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help-im-a-gay-fish · 3 years

Text

A Touch of Soul Searching (Dark Cream story)

The following is a prequal to ‘The birth of Sun and Moon’ Which is a 3 part story about the birth of my dark cream ship kids.

This takes place in the same universe the dark cream twins Celest and Luna are from, which is separate to @zu-is-here cannon universe. The story splits off somewhere around ‘The price of Happiness’. Any continuity errors should be accepted as being part of a alternative timeline.

Synopsis: The night the twins are conceived. Cross and Dream have currently been enjoying life as an engaged couple, but there are a couple things they are yet to explore about each other. Tonight they take their relationship to a new level.

Original Cross and Dream belong to Jakei95 and Jokublog

Original Shattered Dream belongs to galacii

Based off of darkcream by @zu-is-here

Warning, may contain some suggestive elements, but nothing pushes to far.

"you like that?"

"yeah just there... j-just like that"

"alright... How about this?"

"ah! Ooooh.. Yeah... don't stop"

Cross felt his face heat slightly, as his partner sighed in satisfaction. Saying that this was embarrassing would be a huge understatement. Every movement and every sound Dream made, only caused Cross' bones to colour more, though they had been a vibrant purple ever since Dream had asked him for a back rub. He carefully ran his hands across Shattered's back, concentrating on the shoulder blades and spine.

"y-you.." he stammered, before taking a breath to steady himself "Sure carry a lot of stress in your back huh? I was surprised you still get back pain, since you don't use your tentacles much"

Dream sighed again, "yeah.... I thought my back would stop hurting after I stopped wearing my heels... Guess we were both wrong"

There was a slight wrench in Cross' soul at Dream's words.

The thought of Dream being in any kind of pain automatically upset him, even if it was as minor as back ache. The golden guardian had only ever wanted to help people, help him. He mentally cursed himself at the thought that it was him who pushed Dream over the edge in the end.

Despite his partner's constant insistence that it hadn't been him, Cross knew that he probably hadn't helped. These days he was just glad to have better emotional control, even if it wasn't perfect.

With another hint of tightness in his chest, Cross decided it was best not to lose focus on his task. His lover had a back ache and that's what massages where for right?

Dream currently lay on his front on their bed with his arms supporting his skull. Cross was sat, straddling him at the top of the back of his legs. He was leaning over him and rubbing his back with his hands.

For the most part, Dream as un aware of how awkward this pose was but Cross knew and was trying hard not to think about it. As cute and sweet as Dream’s innocence was, it could be slightly irritating sometimes.

Most people could probably tell that Cross had some mild....... frustrations. But of course Dream mattered more to him then those. He had long excepted that those kind of things may not ever be a part of their relationship, but everything else Dream offered was more then worth the sacrifice.

He calmed his thoughts and rubbed his hands with more weight against Dream. A few clicks of Dream's bones and another satisfied sigh told him he was doing a good job.

He didn't want to do anything to ruin this moment, it would have taken a lot for Dream to let his guard down enough so that Cross could do this, and he didn't want to break his trust.

It had been quite a year, but for him and Dream things were looking up, they were feeling closer again.......like before and he was starting to regain hope in the future.

As Dream felt Cross move his hands up and down his spine again, he smiled to himself. He could feel a slight warmth spread through his bones, it was a strange but good feeling. It wouldn’t last, but he was grateful to feel it anyway. Without realising, he let another sigh leave his mouth. Louder this time.

Cross paused. 'd-dam it.... Keep it together Cross' he told himself.

"Crossy?" Dream said inquisitively "are you alright?"

"......"

"Cross?"

"uhhhhhhh" Cross cleared his throat and went back to rubbing "y-yeah no worries"

Dream smiled again and nuzzled into the pillow beneath him.

"I like it when you touch me" he said softly.

If Cross hadn’t known any better, he’d have thought that Dream was doing this on purpose. But Cross knew that was impossible so he pushed thoughts from his mind and got back to work. He couldn't let his mind drift, he knew where it would drift to and somethings are much better left in a fantasy.

It was around this time Dream started to feel a little sleepy, he couldn't tell if it was due to too much positivity or if he was just relaxed. He felt more safe and at piece then he had in a long time.

However, as all things don’t, this wouldn’t last.

His feelings of peace and contentment where rewarded with a sudden dart of stinging in his soul. Sharp and angry like a snake bite. As a response he grit his teeth and arched his back, tensing his body is if trying to squeeze a poison out..

Cross once again paused and his soul flicked with worry. Yet he didn't say anything as he figured that it was the negative punishing Dream for the positive once again.

Dream always told him off for making a big deal out of it, as he was always adamant to handle it without help. Though Cross moved his hand a little is a slow circling motion on Dream’s back, in an attempt to comfort and carry his lover though the pain.

After a short while, Shattered's body untensed, and he relaxed himself into the bed sheets with a low groan.

There was silence for a while as he caught his breath.

"..... Do you want me to stop Boss?" came Cross' voice from behind him. The nickname giving Dream a sense of being back in control, even if his soul wouldn't fully let him be.

"uh... No... No its quite alright, please do continue" he said in a slightly pained voice.

Cross sighed, not wanting to press the issue further, and slowly got back to work. As he did, Dream began to feel calm again, even if he couldn't fully ignore the light throbbing from his soul. Either way, his mind start wondering. Most likely to distract from the pain at first.

He started to focus on the feelings. The feeling of Cross' hands for one. Strong, yet gentle. The low hum of his beloved's magical aura. Not something a normal monster could feel, but as an energy being he could sense its comforting buzz from anywhere. It caused him to think about the feeling of Cross being so close.

It felt so amazing to be so close to him and for their bodies to be in contact. He wondered why it had taken so long to get to point such a point of intimacy.

But then he remembered.

They had always taken things much slower then any other couples it seemed to. They'd been together for years now.... But sometimes it didn't feel like it. Why had it taken him so long to let Cross touch him like this?

He pushed himself up onto his for arms, quick as a shot. Cross stopped thinking his soul was acting up again. Dream felt himself shake a small amount. No.... It shouldn't let himself think of stupid things.

"Dream?" Cross asked, and after getting no response, he slipped off of Dream's body and sat on the bed next to him.

"hey...Day Dream what's the matter? I didn't hurt you right? is it your soul?"

Dream shook his head and flopped down onto his face like an angry child. He muttered something into the sheets.

Cross laughed nervously "I uh... Can't hear you when you keep your face pressed into the bed love"

Dream grumbled again and then rolled over onto his back.

"why did it take so long?”

“huh?”

“I mean we'd been together for over a year before the corruption stuff happened"

His fiancé gave him a puzzled look and Dream remembered that Cross had no idea what he'd been thinking about.

"Cross I mean that...." he said, pausing for a moment to figure out how to put it into words

"This is the first time you've ever touched me that way... I just feel like we should have gotten further by now"

Cross blushed "uhhh"

Dream couldn't help but smile slightly at the sight of the familiar purple glow.

"You look like a glow stick" he teased.

"oi!" Cross replied "don't mock the blush when you made that blush happen"

Dream laughed and looked up at Cross with a smile, but it quickly faulted. "I mean it though Crossy..... Why so long?"

The former guards shoulders shrugged. This wasn't the kind of conversation he was prepared for.

"it's never really mattered to me, I'm happy where we are".

He's eyes met the golden guardian's "but you know I'd wait for ever for you". He moved and kissed his partner's gloopy forehead.

Dream felt love and positive emotions rush from Cross to him. It was so much that he felt dizzy for a moment. A smile couldn't help but spread across his face, despite the migraine threatening to happen. However, it still didn't make the nagging feeling go away. Running his hands along his gloopy arms, he continued to think.

Watching TV wasn't really something that Cross and he did often, but in the rare times he did, he couldn't help but notice something.

In the shows they did watch, Undernovela to name one, the people always seemed so much more intimate then he was with Cross. Their body language was a clear sign of that. And every so often they would touch each other, kiss each other, start to strip each other and then Cross normally turned it off.

Thanks to his partner, Dream had never actually seen how one of those scenes ended. It was his goal to one day watch one to completion. But for now, he could still remember the way they began at least.

This kind of closeness and touching..... Him and Cross had never really done that. It hadn't bothered him in the past, but right now he couldn't stop thinking about it.

"...... Cross?"

"yeah?"

"I want you to kiss me, but do it like they do in the movies"

At this point Cross was sure that someone could have cooked an egg on his face.

"w-what do you mean?!"

After thinking for a moment, Dream said, slightly unsure, "passion and a little heat I guess"

Cross pulled his turtle neck up over his face slightly "a-are you sure"

Suddenly laughter filled the room, coming from Dream. Seeing Cross like this was amazing. Something about it was just so hilarious. Comparing this blusy mess to the grumpy, cold persona Cross used to put up. It was just to much.

"oh my goodness! You are so embarrassed right now!"

Some slight frustration bubbled in Cross as Shattered laughed at him. But this was soon replaced with a playful hunger. Well.... If he wants to be kissed like that...

As Dream laughed, he felt as Cross climb on top of him and pin his wrists next to his head. He paused and looked up at him, feeling his face get burning hot.

"looks like you’re the glow stick now~" Cross said with a sly smirk. Dream glared, but his face got hotter.

"you want me to kiss you like they do in the movies?" he said, leaning in closer to Dreams face.

He had a playful look in his eyes and his hands gripped Dream's wrists slightly harder.

His emotions and feelings weren't feelings Dream could easily identify or recognise. As much as a part of him hated to admit it, he liked this side to Cross. The dominance was strangely attractive.

Cross could sometimes be so gentle and passive that Dream felt like Cross thought he was breakable. This was different. Cross was being a bit more forward and Dream felt a little excited.

"Yes please....." the smaller skeleton replied.

With that Cross kissed him. If Dream had felt like he melted when Cross kissed him before, it was nothing compared to this.

There was more passion and heat coming from this then he'd ever felt in his whole life. He couldn't help but let out a slight muffled moan.

That noise was new.... In fact this whole thing was new, it brought a whole lot of new feelings. He felt the need to wrap his arms around Cross and keep him there but of course Cross still had his arms pinned.

Cross leaned forward more, he couldn’t think of a time he’d every enjoyed kissing someone more, so much so he was starting to forget himself. So he deepened. He slipped his tongue inside Dreams mouth slyly and ran it around hungerly.

Feeling this, Dream opened his eyes wide. This sensation was very alien to him and he shuddered starting to feel a slight panic rising. His soul started racing and his body trembled. This was making him feel suddenly very strange and vulnerable. It was to much. To much to much! No stop!

Luckily, Cross noticed his partner's discomfort and parted the kiss. Now Shattered’s mouth was free, he took some long deep breaths.

After a brief moment of confusion, Cross realised what had probably freaked Dream out.

He felt like an complete idiot, you had to go slow with Dream. Dream didn't have a lot of experience with that kind of thing, of course over sensitising him would upset him. He should have known better. Cursing himself, he let go of Shattered and got off him, sitting beside him.

"sorry....I..... Are you alright?"

Dream continued to take deep breaths, to calm his soul and nodded. His body was all warm and funny feeling. Now he was thinking clearer, it wasn't bad really, but it was very very new and strange.

"y-your tounge got broken again" he said before taking another deep breath.

"...... yeah.... I know, I got a little carried away, I won't do it again. I promise"

Dream could sense a lot of guilt coming from Cross. There was still many feelings he didn't recognise, but guilt was among them. Cross felt that often enough that Dream could recognise it easily.

Did he feel bad for upsetting him? That was silly... Dream had asked him to kiss him that way.

He seemed to feel really bad though. His dark side, flipped in delight at the negative emotions to snack on. But despite that, Dream didn't like Cross feeling like that.

The kiss had been really good! Really really good. It had just been a lot of new feelings.

He didn't want Cross to feel bad and he didn't want Cross to be afraid to do it again. In fact the thought of Cross going back to treating him like he was breakable made him feel upset. He was a very good kisser after all.

"Cross it's OK you know" he said, sitting up.

Cross looked at him with a guilty face. Dream cupped his cheek with his hand.

"I really liked it Crossy! I promise"

Cross smiled slightly.

"you just caught me a little off guard, that's all" he said softly.

He leaned over and nuzzled Cross' face

"I still Love you so much so don't worry about that!"

A light chuckle left Cross' mouth "I know Daydream, I love you so much too"

More pain, yet the smaller ignored it and continued to nuzzle him.

"just a little bit of warning next time, OK?"

Yeah that sounded alright. Cross thought and nuzzled his partner back. Next time...

Wait next time!?

"Next time!?" he exclaimed pulling back.

"yeah next time" Dream said with a puzzled look slipping onto his face "we are gonna do this again right?"

Dream narrowed his eyes, Cross was giving him a 'deer in the headlights' look. He could tell what he was thinking though. He was once again to afraid to hurt him.

"Cross... I’m going to tell you something, and I need you to listen to me" he said in a firm tone.

Cross sheepishly nodded

"I want to be able to be valuable around you, but I can't because it will just prove to you that you need to protect me.... I don't need a guard I need a-

-partner" Cross said, cutting him off.

Dream paused before replying "yes exactly"

Cross' eyes glanced for a moment at Dream's ankle. "I.... I know that Dreamboat I just-

"my ankle...." Dream said cutting in.

"huh"

Shattered shifted his feet "you were thinking about what happened with Killer again..... Weren't you?"

"......."

Protesting wouldn't have helped. Dreams gaze was cutting into him, there was no use lying.

"yeah......"

Shifting his feet again, Dream let out a defeated sigh.

"You know that I could totally take on killer these days..... You can't just" he shifted his foot again "........ You still see me as how you saw me back then?"

Cross faltered slightly and avoided his partner's gaze.

Dream seemed slightly irritated now

"I'm not the same being I was back then, and neither are you." Dream said plainly and before Cross could reply he added.

"when you still treat me like that..... It makes me feel like I can't be weak around you..... That I can't show myself to you..."

Guilt radiated from Cross, as the former positively guardian spoke. It felt like a knife twisting in him. He was always so afraid to hurt Dream, that sometimes he was to afraid to do anything. To put it bluntly, he had no reason to really feel this way, the gloopy being could easily snap his neck if he desired to.

"Dream.... I never thought I'd ever get to be with someone as amazing as you... I don't want to lose you, I very almost did"

It was Dreams turn to tense now.

"one moment I tell myself that you are strong...... So strong you don't even need me! But the next...." Cross sighed in a defeated way and sagged his shoulders.

He felt like anything he could say would just be an excuse at this point. There were so many thoughts and feelings he didn't know how to properly explain them. So instead he said the first thing that came to mind.

"you.... Sometimes you are still a bit of a kid really". The moment he said it, he hated himself for saying it. Though in that moment he'd forgotten Dream could read his emotions.

A frown crept onto Dreams face, upon recognising the negative cocktail brewing in Cross. This was an important issue in their relationship, but it was probably best not to press it much further now. His inner excitement at his partner's emotions was making Dream feel a little sick, so he couldn't bare to draw out this conversation more. Instead, he portend scoffed at the conversation.

"a kid? Me? Ha!" he said, his voice being playful and inviting Cross to play along.

Catching onto the playful tone, Cross smiled.

"Well I'm sorry to tell you this Boss, but you are as naïve as a small child around most matters"

Shattered pretend gasped "How dare you!" he put his hands on his hips "I will have you know that I have grown up knowledge!"

Cross raised an eyebrow "like what?"

Dream's smile told Cross that he'd been wanting him to say that. "well I know that a honeymoon isn't going to the moon and eating honey." he stated.

"oh really?" Cross said, laughing slightly.

"yep!" Dream said proudly. Before leaning in close to Cross like a child sharing a secret.

"I even know that people do lots of grown up stuff on honey moons! I don't know what these grown up things are.... But I know people do them"

Cross let out a low chuckle at that and Shattered was thrilled to see that Cross felt better, even with another bitter ache running through his core as a result.

"I know Dream boat..... The angry baby is all grown up" he teased.

Poking his tounge out, Dream booped Cross' nose

"He is indeed! And as a grown up he wants you to treat him as an equal"

Cross let out a proper laugh now.

Dream felt momentarily satisfied. But it wasn't quiet enough.

It looked to him like Cross wanted to continue the game....well he did have one more trick, since he was feeling playful. His face twisted into a thin smile and his eye gleamed.

"although....." he said in a low voice, leaning forward towards Cross. Gloved hands moved off the bed and ran themselves slowly long Cross' leg bones.

"if you want.... I could try taking a bit more of a dormant roll" he purred.

More heat instantly rushed to Cross' face, at the sudden contact. The mood had well and truly changed. It was a warm purple blush that hadn't left him since they started this whole thing.

Sliding his hands to Cross' hips slowly, Dream moved forward a bit again. Shattered took great pleasure in Cross' face of embarrassment. There was a part of him that missed doing this. He missed the tease. The delicious feast of emotions radiating from his partner. Cross should have known that Dream always won when they played.

Cross felt as Dream's hands place themselves on his ribs. The fingers curling in the fabric of his jumper. He shivered under Dreams touch and his two coloured eyes locked with Dreams. He tried to say something, but could only stammer.

With that Dream broke. He couldn't take it anymore, snorting and bursting out laughing again. He was just too easy to fluster, it was brilliant. He fell over onto his side, his body convulsing against their bed in his laughter.

"you should see the look on your face right now!" he said, losing the smoothness of his tone and returning to his jolly happy voice.

Cross set up straight as stiff as a board and chest flushed out slightly "Dream! are you trying to give me a heart attack!?"

Dream smirked "oh no, your boss is just having a little fun with you~"

Cross shook his head "you are just terrible sometimes".

He smiled "you're lucky that I've been in love with you for years"

With a sigh Dream sat back up. "Feeling better now my love?" he asked gently. Cross nodded.

"yeah...I'm sorry for getting all freaked out, I just...."

"..... Just?" Dream prompted.

"my magic and emotions can sometimes be a little..... Unstable.... If I lose control, if I hurt you...."

And there is was, just like it always was, Cross' fear of hurting him. It seemed that they had circled back round again.

"if I may quote myself,... if only you could" Dream said with a soft smile appearing on his face.

"I know you couldn't hurt me even if you wanted to"

Cross sighed and took a moment to reflect. He knew that Dream was right. Dream had said the same thing to him many times in the past. Maybe the past was the problem.

"sometimes I still see you as the same skeleton I fell in love with all those years ago" Cross said.

Dream rolled his eyes slightly "I'm pretty sure the 2 pounds of gloopy slime is enough evidence that I'm not"

The two where able to share a laugh this time.

“still...” Cross said, calming his laughter.

"even with a black liquorice coating, you have the same sweet centre you always have".

"...."

"Your soul is enveloped in negativity, but it's still pure from the inside out..."

As much as Dream wanted to, he couldn't stop the warmness in his cheek bones. But also, his chest twisted at Cross' sweet words.

"heh..." he chuckled "you wouldn't say that if you could see it"

The attempt self depreciating humour had been in an effort to make himself feel less awkward. But instead it made a lump form in his throat.

However, he chose to double down.

"y-you'd be repulsed at the sight of me" he stated placing his gloved hand on his chest and tugging slightly at the fabric.

"I don't think so"

Dream looked up.

"Cross I know what I'm talking abou-

"then show me"

Dreams grip on the fabric of his collar tightened. "what" he breathed.

"you are beautiful.... Inside and out.... I want to prove that"

He sounded so sure. Firm, but not forceful. There was a look of determination that Dream could recognise in his eyes.

His fingers once again tugged at his collar, though this time he could also feel the hum of the magic gathered under his ribs. He told himself he was mad for considering this, but a determined Cross was as stubborn as a mule. He wouldn't let this go, so it was probably best to get it over with.

"ok....." he whispered.

After telling himself to be a grown up and bite the bullet, he squeezed his eyes shut and pulled the soul from his chest.

Shattered scrunched his shoulders and waited.

He waited for Cross to be disgusted or repulsed by the sight of his rotten soul. For him to tell him to put it away. But Cross didn't say that. In fact, as Dream opened his good eye, he saw the guard has a look of wonder on his face, taken in by the beauty of it. It was unlike anything Cross had ever seen.

"beautiful..." he said in a near whisper, which immediately caused Dreams face to flush, both out of embarrassment and surprise.

But Cross didn't notice as his gaze was still fixed on the soul.

"Does it.." he said softly "does it hurt?"

Dreams face dropped into a frown. He nodded "more then you can imagine"

He avoided Cross' eye contact, but felt Cross' sadness. Then he felt something else. Something softly bush against his soul.

He jumped and fixed his gaze to Cross again. Cross sheepishly retracted his hand. He'd been reaching forward to touch the soul and now he felt like an idiot. Dream just stared at him, mulling over what had just happened.

"i-i-im sorry I...." Cross stuttered. What was he thinking? Why did he do that? He had no right to touch Dream's soul. His partner had finally felt confident enough to show him it and he'd pushed to far.

What was wrong with him today?!

"I d-don't know why I-

But then he was shushed by a gloved finger being pressed to his mouth.

"shhhh... Don't speak" Dream purred softly.

If Cross' face could get any hotter, in that moment it did. Dream pulled his hand away from his mouth and took Cross' hand in his. He guided Cross' hand up to his soul.

"I want you to touch it"

He must have miss heard him right? There was no way..... But as Dream spread his fingers and allowed them to wrap around the soul, it became very clear that he hadn't.

Cross wanted to say something, do something... Anything. But he was so afraid to ruin it. This moment felt so breakable, one wrong move could send there progress backwards. But he knew he had to say something.

"a-are" he calmed his nerves "are you sure?"

"You are scared Cross.... I know you are, but if any one will ever touch me like this, I only want it to be you"

Shattered himself struggled to keep his voice from shaking. He'd never felt so vulnerable, so exposed, but he was also full of anticipation.

Cross' fingers where only lightly around him, hardly touching, it was like he was teasing him.

Cross closed his fingers around the soul slightly more, Dream shuddered as he did.

"if you want me to stop at any point Dreamboat, say apple ok?"

"Apple?" Dream asked, tilting his head "A code word?"

Cross nodded.

"Alright" he said, bracing himself for the pending contact "If I want you to stop, I'll say Apple"

And with that Cross began. He made sure to go slow, timidly running his fingers against it. It pulsed in his hand slightly, the magical energy felt warm and comforting.

Dreams body gave a lurch as Cross started and he squeezed his eyes shut. This was new, very very new.

For a moment he was tempted to say apple, being slightly overwhelmed. But as he started to get used to the feelings he was being presented with, he relaxed. Opening his eye sockets again he saw his partner looking at him with a very worried expression.

He'd stopped.

"I... I..." Dream said trying to catch his breath "I didn't say apple"

Cross nodded and took that as a sign to keep going.

Dream leaned forward and rested his head on Cross' shoulder. As alien sensations continued to fill him, he weakly gripped the front of Cross' jumper. His fingers curled into the fabric and tugged slightly.

These feelings overcoming him where strange but incredible to feel. He all at once felt weaker and stronger then he ever had and he wanted more.

He gripped the jumper tighter and pulled himself up to Cross' eye level. Their eyes locked together as Dream felt Cross' fingers continue to gently stroke the soul. Cross' face was that of excitement, confusion and nervousness.

Dream looked down to Cross' broad chest and he started to run his hands across it. His partner tense and then relaxed as he did. Being this close, Dream took a moment to appreciate Cross' ribs.

He'd seen them a few times but now, as he traced them through his jumper with his fingers, he'd truly noticed how handsome of a skeleton Cross was. Without realising, he started to pull up Cross' shirt up slightly.

But Cross immediately caught Shattered's hands in his own and pushed them back down.

"l-let's leave clothes on.... ok?"

Dream gave a disgruntled wine at the fact that Cross had let go of his soul. His fingers let go of Cross' jumper and he leaned back a bit.

He was about to ask why he’d stopped him, when he noticed Cross' emotions being strange.

They were new and very very intense.

There was something carnal brewing in the soldier, and it was clearly making Cross nervous.

"are you ok?" Dream questioned, feeling worried.

"I've just..." he said nervously "I've never done this before"

"you think I have?" Dream retorted

"what! No, of course not" Cross replied.

He twisted his locket on his fingers "I-I've done intimate things with people before... Not much mind you" a brighter purple hue decorated his face.

",... But this?....this is more intimate then I've ever been with a person"

Dream tilted his head slightly and frowned.

"I guess... I’m just a little nervous Dreamy"

Dream gently took his chin in his free hand and tilted his head upwards. He'd give Cross a soft and tender kiss on the mouth. He felt Cross melt a bit, which made him smile into the kiss.

He pulled back and smiled wider "it will be alright.. I trust you completely"

His tone was sweet and caused Cross' soul to thump. He considered how he'd had a hold on Dreams soul just moments before and wondered how it had felt to Dream.

Dream placed Cross' hands on his hips now and placed his back on the guards chest. Cross tensed under his grip but didn't move his hands. Dream used this as an opportunity to move himself closer to cross, to try and close the gap between them. Cross' soul was beating against his hand through his chest and it tweaked at Dream's curiosity.

Cross moved his hands up slightly to where he could feel the base of Dreams ribs through his clothes. There was no doubt in his mind that Dream was unaware of what kind of things he was doing to him right now and he had no intention of taking advantage.

The way Dream was acting was something he'd only seen his most shameful fantasies that this point, so much so that he was fighting to keep grip on his imagination. The more he fought the more anxious he felt.

"Cross why are you so tense?" Dream questioned, which turned Cross' attention back on him.

It was only when he tried to relax, that Cross noticed how tense he'd become.

"do you need to say apple?" came Dreams sweet voice again. Cross pondered the question for a moment, then slowly nodded.

The moment he saw Cross nod, Dream shifted his body away and removed his hands from his chest. Through Cross was sad to lose the hold he had on Dream, he felt mostly relieved as his soul continued to thump.

"I could feel your soul beating very fast...." Dream said, "did I do something wrong?"

He seemed quite nervous now himself. Cross sighed and placed his hand on his chest, over where is heart would be if he had one.

"n-no you didn't" he said taking a few deep breaths "I'm just not sure what you wanted to do from here".

That was a good question. Dream had mostly been letting his instincts drive him. What was it that he wanted? He pondered this, tapping his finger against his own chest, where his soul had returned, as if mimicking the beat of Cross' soul. Then he realised.

"I want to touch your soul"

Whatever Cross had been expecting or thinking, hadn't been anywhere near that. That wasn't something he'd ever even considered.

His soul was a mess, he knew that. His first thought was to refuse, but as he looked again into Dream's eyes, his resistance faltered.

Shattered was looking at him with a soft expression. Not one he'd truly seen in the longest time. The transformation had changed Dreams eyes from what they once were. But in that moment Dream's gaze was every bit as warm and welcoming as it had once been those years ago.

Not only did it help ease away any desires to resist, but it also helped him to calm is own self down. Dream had always had a way of calming him, whether it be though touch or words. It was a sense of calm unlike another.

It was his vulnerability that Dream was asking for and his complete trust. His soul wasn't just something that he willing showed to anyone.... But Dream wasn't just anyone.

What was happening between then tonight was very special. It was something far beyond the intimacy of sex and that meant it was something so much better.

He smiled softly and nodded, resting his hand on his own chest. Dream smiled and sat back on his feet, waiting expectantly.

Feeling the throb of the magic gathered in his ribs, Cross' anxiety crept in slightly. But he took a long, deep breath and allowed his magic to pull the glowing mass of energy and determination from under his jumper.

He glanced down at the formless substance in his hand as the magic swirled into forming the rough shape of a heart. He narrowed his eyes at the sight of red and white, then looked back at Dream.

His partner was watching him very closely and Dream's focused face told him he was trying to read his emotions.

"it's not much to look at......" he stated, as Dream continued to stare

"it's perfect" the guardian said softly. "because its you"

As Dream had anticipated, there was a wave of positivity from Cross which hit Dream like a bucket of boiling water, sending a deep burning feeling through his bones. He tensed his knuckle, but didn't react in any other way. Closing his eyes, he took a breath.

"thank you...."

Cross' voice caused him to open his eyes again.

"h-here....." the soldier said softly, moving his hand and soul into Dream's reach.

It was a small amount of time before the burning fully subsided and Dream slowly moved his gloved hand forwards.

With as much care as he could muster, he took the essence from Cross' fingers.

The soul felt strange. Not quite solid and not quite un solid. It was like a combination of all 3 states. Gas, liquid and solid.

The incorporeal essence felt pleasant in his hand, and he had a strong desire to remove his gloves to feel it properly. But he didn't feel quite relaxed enough to show Cross his hands state. So Instead he contracted his index finger to give the soul a conservative stroke. The reaction from his companion was audible. Not a sound that he was familiar with, but one he felt the desire to hear again.

He didn't look up at Cross, but when the skeleton saw the way Dream was smiling as he observed his soul, he felt extremely jittery. The anxiety was raising in his chest again and sticking an acidy taste in the back of his throat. But he didn't dare say a word to stop Dreams actions.

Again the former positive being, ran his finger up and down, across the surface. Once more he enjoyed the sounds that came from Cross. But now, he felt a need for more. To see how far he could push.

So cautiously, he nuzzled it, feeling as the warm magic brushed against his face. The warmth was very pleasant and conforming.

It vibrated in his fingers as he squeezed it lightly, smiling as Cross gasped in response. A little bit of teasing was always fun.

Even if Cross denied it, Dream knew he loved to be teased. Again he flexed his fingers and nuzzled the magic. There was a light hum in his own chest as he did so, followed by a very slight pain which he ignored. His eye moved to looking at his partner, hoping to see a reaction.

Cross was sat with his legs crossed and his shoulders hunched. From what Dream could sense he was enjoying himself and knowing Cross, he was probably trying not to enjoy himself to much. The purple blush had travelled down his neck now, not quite as vibrant, but still.

He shivered at the feeling of Dreams breath against him.

Getting an idea, Dream nipped the mass in his hand in a playful way, being delighted by the yelp Cross made. He made sure to catch Cross' eye, before smirking devilishly and placing a soft kiss on the soul's surface.

Then, after a short moment of intense eye contact, he chuckled slightly and moved his hand with the soul away from his mouth.

"alright, I'll stop"

The soldier breathed a sigh of relief, despite being slightly disappointed. As embarrassing as that was, he'd by lying if said he didn't enjoy it.

Dream reached his hand out and offered the soul back to Cross. As Cross went to take it, Dream clenched his fingers around it slightly.

"Dream?" Cross ask, worried that Dream was going to start teasing him again.

Dream on the other hand was thinking quite a lot, as he continued to feel the warm magic in his fingers. There was something going on with his own soul, he could feel it, a kind of throbbing, humming, something.

After a while, Dream let go of Cross' soul and Cross took it back, holding it in his own hand.

As Cross carefully returned it to his chest, Shattered's soul burned slightly. A realisation of what the feeling in his soul was, hit Dream like a slap in the face. It was a desire for more.

Dream caught Cross' arm "Wait!"

Cross froze and stared at his lover.

"I want...." Dream started, being unable to figure out how to say what he wanted. This kind of thing wasn't something he was accustomed to and it wasn't something he'd taken the time to research or understand better in the past. He'd only been a child back then after all.

At that very moment he wished he could ask his twin for help. But he forcefully pushed that wish from his mind before he could think about it for to long.

It had probably been touching Cross' soul which had awoke a long dormant piece of him, something he'd never have thought anyone would make him feel.

"I want our souls to..."

He placed his hand on his chest and pulled out the still rotting apple. Yet this time the magic was less of a solid shape. It had been reduced to a swirling mass of gold and black, which flickered around his fingers like flames.

The former guard stared in both wonder and concern at the new sight.

"..... I want our souls to be one"

Silence.

A very loud silence. Cross could do nothing but look from Dreams face to his soul then back again. After repeating that a few times he looked away.

There was probably about one thousand different thoughts going through the soldier's mind. The request... The implications and what the act itself would involve.

It was in essence soul sex. Just that realisation made his face burn. It was something he'd heard of in the past, but not something most monsters took part in. Only a few tried it, as he'd heard it could have extreme consequences.

He fixed his gaze back to being directly in Dreams eyes. The skeleton seemed nervous, but he also seemed quite sure.

He sat, arm out slightly, with his soul flicking in his palm. It was almost like he was offering it to Cross. A temptation.

Yet, Cross was still wildly unsure how to react. Every possible way that he could respond, ran though his head so fast, it was impossible to pick one. Yes? No? Maybe? What was it that Dream actually wanted him to do? Did Dream even fully understand what he was asking? What if some bad happ-

But then, before he could finish that thought, he became distracted. Dream closed his eyes and took a long deep breath, his fingers tightening around his own soul slightly. He sighed in a near meditative way. It was this that got Cross to focus on him again.

After a few short moments he opened his good eye slowly and again, looked directly at Cross. The gold of his eye was truly mesmerising and matched the soul perfectly, the same colour as a forbidden treasure.

Then, slowly Dream moved again, reached his free hand forward and placing it on Cross' chest. For a moment he felt Cross' mock-heartbeat under his hand, never breaking eye contact.

It was still silent in the room, but less of a loud kind. It was comfortable and more soft.

Dream's fingers lightly gripped Cross' jumper, as he studded his face for a sign of resistance.

He didn't move again and only continued to feel the beat. His face remained serious, but gentle... As if he was asking permission.

Cross could feel his soul beating against Dreams hand, and could see that Dream's soul was beating in rhythm with it. Connected.

Slowly, he placed his own hand on his chest, over Dream's.

"ok.... "

He didn't need to say anything else. It was a simple word, but it the perfect one.

Together they drew their hands back, pulling forth a string of magic with it. Once it had formed its shape Dream moved his hand back to his own soul.

".... ok..... " Dream said softly "are you ready?"

"Yes" Cross replied, but after picking up on some slight hesitation, he asked "Are you?"

"......... I..."

It was Dream's turn to get lost in thought now. He suddenly felt very scared at the prospect of what he was doing. He tried to relax himself, to no effect. Maybe he couldn't do this.

"it's ok to change your mind"

Dream would never know how such simple words, could make him feel so good. This wasn't a random person he was doing this with. It was Cross. His soldier, his partner. The one who made him feel truly safe. That thought granted him true courage.

He smiled

"... I don't need to, I'm ready"

With that, it was time to begin.

In the flickering state his soul was in, Dream's soul was clearly drawn to Cross' as they were moved closer together.

The two skeletons watched carefully at the display of red and gold light and guided both souls to the point of almost touching. Once the souls fused, they couldn't be separated by force, this was the last chance to back out. But neither did, and nodded to one another, moving their hands away and allowing the souls to take over.

It felt like a life time before the two souls finally touched.

Cross grit his teeth as an attempt to prevent himself from letting out some inappropriate noises. Though he could prevent them all. Luckily, Dream didn't seem to notice this. He was lost in his own feelings and his hand gripped his fingers into the fabric of the bed sheets.

"¡Oh Dios! santa mierda" he hissed, before groaning slightly.

In a normal situation Cross would have been shocked to hear his beloved curse. However in that moment he wasn't bothered in the slightest

"yeah... Y-you said it my love" Cross replied, taking a few deep breaths to collect himself.

No sooner had he gotten used to the sensations he was being presented with, then the souls sparked and pulsed pushing together more. Both skeletons felt this and let out some strained wines, yet there was more to come, as it was nowhere near over yet.

Dream closed his eyes to allow himself to lose himself in the sensation again. It was something so new. But unlike earlier, new didn't feel scary. It felt right. Opening his eyes again, he looked at Cross. He wanted to be closer to him.

He shifted his legs and shuffled on the bed. Noticing his movement, Cross copied so that they were once again sat across from each other.

Cross leaned forward and touched their foreheads together, feeling the coldness of Dream's crown on his warm bones.

"h-how" Cross said with a shaky breath "how you d-doing?"

"Placer más allá de las palabras" Dream basically panted, pulling back a bit so his head away from Cross. His face was flushed and his expression caught up in bliss. Cross couldn't help but match his smile and reached out to stroke his partner's cheek, brushing some gloop away.

For a moment they just enjoyed this simple contact and Dream turned to nuzzle Cross' fingers. Such a small act, but it made more warmth spread through Cross.

It was then that this moment was interrupted by there souls once again pulsing together. As the magic curled around each other, both parties felt more heat and sighed out each others names.

Their hands found each others and gripped together, hanging on for dear life as the magic continued to swell and then the souls pushed together all the way.

This stole the air right out of both of them. It was real now. They were connected. After a moment they locked eyes and not a second later Dream spoke.

"¡Bésame ahora!"

Cross didn't hesitate for a moment.

In a flash their mouths where pressed together in the sweet agony of a passionate kiss. They were over whelmed now and over come with strong desires.

The kiss continued, as they moved from sitting, to rolling around on the bed sheets. The fabric wrapping around their legs and tangling their limbs together. How they ended up there? Neither could tell you. Who was on top? Neither could say.

Dreams crown knocked off and fell to the floor with a clang as the two continued. Neither noticed or cared. They were lost in the sensations and in the feeling of each other at this point.

There was no crown. No curse. No anything. Just each other and that was it. There was nothing either of them wanted more then to express that.

Not Cross or Dream could tell you how long it lasted. All they knew is by the time there souls had separated they were completely tangled in each other.

It was quite an awkward pose to get out of, as they un-weaved their legs and arms. The awkward silence turned into the two breaking into a fit of laughter as Cross couldn't fight his legs free of the blanket.

In the end they managed to separate and lay down next to each other. Not a word was spoken as they stared face to face, enjoying the euphoria and the sound of the other breathing. It was like the ending of a rom com, where the two main characters have that perfect soft moment with each other. It was that perfect moment.

As the magic settled and they slowly fell asleep in each others arms, they had no idea the path they had set in motion. Or who would be greeting them a short while later.

,<3

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goldenmaybank · 4 years

Text

no strings ~ scout’s writing challenge

pairing: jj maybank x reader

summary: jj and y/n have had a no strings attached agreement for years, but that statement couldn’t be farther from the truth.

warnings: swearing, cheating, implied sex, and slight fluff

word count: 2.2k

this is my entry for @ptersparkers writing challenge! hope you all enjoy :)

no strings attached. that was the agreement we made back in freshman year. it's now junior year and that agreement still stands. no feelings involved, just pure fun, but how do you not fall for his big blue eyes and bright smile. it was only meant to be for one night, but one night soon turned into two then three and now i've lost count how many nights we've spent together. almost every night for this past year he’s slept in my bed under my silk sheets with our bodies intertwined with one another. i constantly convince myself it's nothing more than having fun but every time i hear his name i get butterflies and whenever he's near me my heart starts to beat a million times faster. i try to convince myself it's not love, but after being with someone in that way for three years it's impossible for it not to turn into that. but clearly it's possible for him at least. that's why i don't say anything and continue to hide my true feelings because i know he doesn't feel the same way as me and probably never will. i stay up every night with him on my mind and thoughts of what we could be consumes my every thought.

freshman year was the hardest of them all mainly because jj had a girlfriend at the time. i know what i did was wrong but the taste of his lips and the way he touched me that first night was so captivating. i knew from that moment i would never be able to let him go. i tried not to get sucked into him and his player ways, but soon the second night happened and from then it was history. we would meet every thursday night at my place at midnight. he was never late and it made me wonder if he craved my touch as bad as i craved his. we would walk past each other in the streets like we barely knew each other when in reality he knew every curve and mark on my body.

sophomore year was easier than the last since he no longer was with his girlfriend, but also harder because that's when i started catching feelings for him. now since he was single, we could actually be seen together, but still had to be cautious since i was a kook. i never understood the rivalry between the kooks and pogues, but i knew if any of the kooks found out i was with jj all hell would break loose. me and sarah were known as the kook princesses, and since she was dating topper, everyone expected me to date a kook too. before i met jj, i went on a few dates with rafe since thats who my parents wanted me to be with, but after realizing all kook guys are self absorbed assholes, i knew i could never be with any of them. the only kook i can tolerate is sarah, and at times she can even be blinded by the things topper tells her. a couple months into freshman year, i already started to get suffocated at the kook academy and went to the beach to escape, which is where i met kie. the moment i met her we instantly clicked and she invited me to the kegger that they were having that night. thats when i met the rest of the pogues, including jj. we spent the whole night attached at the hip drinking and laughing together. soon enough the guest room at the cheateu was filled with nothing but the sound of our moans. that was the first of many nights we spent there together.

almost every single day i would meet jj by the beach to spend time with him. whether we were surfing, hanging out on the hms pogue with the others, or eating at the wreck, i just loved being around him. although we weren't together people acted like we were. kie would always say we were unofficially official. soon enough our every thursday night meet-ups became every thursday and friday meet-ups and eventually every night meet-ups. we spent every night together at my place until my parents found out and we needed a new place, so we started hanging out at the chateau.

junior year has been the best one so far. jj and i hung out more in public not caring what anyone else would think and gone on what he calls "non-dates" even though it's exactly what dates are. he's met my younger sister and she absolutely adores him, which now makes me wish we never got our families involved in this since i know he doesn't reciprocate my feelings. i've spent so much time with him that i feel almost empty not being in his arms at night. he knows everything about me and i know everything about him. we've shared all of our secrets and deepest thoughts with each other. i've seen his vulnerable side so much that it's almost impossible for me not to fall in love with him. he's opened up to me and let me in more than anyone else in his life even his best friends. every night is something new with him and i never want it to stop even though i know inevitably it will.

"you remember the second night you stayed at my place and you got scared of my dog" i said laughing as we laid next to each other on my bed talking about our favorite memories together.

"look in my defense, your dog is huge and she woke me up out of my sleep." jj said chuckling slightly.

"she was just being friendly and you wouldn't stop screaming. almost woke up my damn parents."

"don't act like you haven't almost woken up john b before with your clumsy ass. you almost knocked over his whole desk trying to get into the room."

"i'm sorry i'm not an expert at climbing through windows like you."

"well when you've had a lot of practice you know how to." he said cockily.

"oh shut up." he laughed as i tiredly punched his arm, "you know damn well i was the first window you came through." i said sassily.

"you're right. you were."

"wait really? so jj maybank has never snuck into another girl's house before? i'm surprised."

"why?" he asked as he turns his body towards me and moves me so i face him.

"i don't know i guess with your reputation i thought you would've been with a bunch of girls before me."

"you wanna know the truth? you're the first girl i've ever slept with."

"wait what?" i sat up against the headboard looking at him confusingly, "what about your ex or all those tourons you would flirt with?"

"all we would do is flirt and make out a little, but it never went any further. either i was always drunk or they were and i never wanted that to be my first time, you know? and with my ex we were only fourteen and dated for a few months. i told you before i never really felt anything for her. it was all just so i could know what it felt like to be a boyfriend.”

“but we were only fourteen, when we..”

“i know, but it was different with you. you are different.”

"so, that means you were a virgin when we first-"

"yup." he said admittedly.

"wow. well i couldn't tell." i joked.

jj looked at me and chuckled slightly, but i could tell something was off with him. his eyes didn't have the same brightness as usual.

"what's wrong?"

"what do you mean? nothings wrong."

"jj, you can't lie to me. i've known you for way too long and i know when somethings wrong, so what's up."

"i don't know. i-" he sighs deeply as he looks at up at me, "it's just- is that what you think of me? that i'm just some player who fucks any girl that throws herself at me."

"what? no. of course not. i just assumed-"

"because that's not who i ever wanted to be." he said cutting me off, "i never wanted to be like- like my dad, you know?” he says as he looks down at his hands, fiddling with them, “as much as he claims he loved her, he treated my mom like shit. he would get drunk and mess around with a bunch of women because he could never commit. i never wanted to be like that. i never wanted to make a girl feel the way my mom felt. she was so heartbroken when he would come back home smelling of perfume and lie to her face. eventually, she had enough of it and just got up and left. kinda wish she took me with her. but i told myself i would never be like that and then i realized i was. back in freshman year when i cheated on my ex-"

"with me" i looked at him sympathetically understanding why what i said bothered him so much, "look, j you're nothing like your dad. i know i've never met him but from what you told me about him you two are completely different people. you’re nothing like that cheating, abusive asshole, okay? you're such a sweet, kindhearted person who always puts others before yourself, especially when it comes to your friends. i've never seen someone care so much about others than you. you have such a pure, kind soul and nothing will ever change that. i know you cheated on her with me and it probably wasn't the right choice, but it sure as hell wasn't a mistake and i won't call it that. being with you was never a mistake for me and i hope you feel the same about it but this" i say as i motion between us, "will never be something that i regret. i know i've said this before but i believe that this was meant to be and we were meant to find each other. the circumstance might not have been the best, but i found you and that's all that matters. you're nothing like him and never will be."

we both laid in silence looking up at the ceiling while raindrops hit the window softly. i started to wonder if maybe i said something wrong or said too much. i feel so deeply for him and whenever he tries to put himself down it breaks my heart. in my eyes he's the perfect guy despite all his faults. sometimes i think one day i'll tell him how i feel and scare him off which is the last thing i want to do. i want to be able to have these moments with him for as long as i can.

"you know, i want to get married before i have kids." jj said breaking the silence.

"that's random, but alright." i said giggling.

"i was just thinking about my parents and they had me before they even thought of marriage. i think that's where they could've went wrong. maybe if they would've taken the time to actually bound their love together before having a kid, they could've lasted longer. after they had me he could never commit fully because of all the responsibility, so maybe if they already took that step to "finalize" their love he would've stayed." he said shrugging.

"well i always wanted to have kids before i get married because i want my kids to be apart of my wedding."

"i guess we could just have two weddings then."

"huh?" i said confusingly finally looking at him.

he looks back at me and sighs, "yeah, i mean since you want one before and i want one after, we can just have two. we have the real one before and then we can renew our vows and have a second wedding with our kids so they can experience it with us."

"so, we're gonna get married and have kids?" i said smirking at him.

"i-i mean i guess. obviously only if you want to." jj said blushing as he started to look anywhere but at me.

i grab his face so he's looking at me, "i would love to, jj."

we both smile at each other as he pulls me closer to him connecting our lips. when we pull apart, i cuddle up into his chest as we continue to lie in silence. i feel my heart flutter as i feel his hands rub my back soothing me. being in his arms felt like home and i only hope he feels the same. as i start to think about how it would be if we were actually dating, the same words he would always say when we started this repeat in my mind "this is only for fun. no strings attached. no feelings. just pure fun." maybe that's all this will truly ever be, just fun, and that's the thought i have before falling asleep in his arms.

when i know she's asleep, i just stay awake and admire how she looks in the moment. even sleeping she has a slight smile on her face, which makes me wonder what she's dreaming about. sometimes i wish it was me she's dreaming about even though i know it's not. "just for fun" i remind myself of the words i said but that couldn't have been more of a lie, especially now more than ever. of course what we had was fun, but it was way more than that.

"i love you" i say as i kiss her forehead and wrap my arms tighter around her soon falling asleep as well.

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katsidhe · 3 years

Note

Hello as a long time silent lurker with post notifications on, and someone who has been very into the minecraft roleplay for about 9 months, I am oh so incredibly intrigued on your thoughts! I hope you don't mind if I ramble a little. Sam (both minecraft and spn, but in this context the minecraft one) is one of my favourite characters because he's so incredibly complex. The prison story has sparked so much discussion and conflict in this fandom, so I would love to hear your thoughts if you want to share!

oh noooooooooooo don’t enable me. (Jk <3)

I’m putting this under a read more for those of you who don’t want to be inflicted with my minecraft roleplay brain worms. I would apologize but I think we’re well past that.

So, like, full disclosure that I am pretty new to dsmp and am surely missing out on big ol swathes of Essential Character Content, etc etc. But I do know the basics, and I’ve (naturally) watched all the Torture Box Content, because I mean come on, that’s my brand.

k so First of all, THE most essential part of any media: x-coded y girl. Dream is a textbook Cas-coded Sam girl. Sam (Minecraft) is a Cas-coded Dean girl. Quackity is a Dean-coded Sam girl. I’d say Tommy is Dean-Dean. Techno is, hmm, Cas-Cas. Okay, important part done.

Minecraft Sam is very fun! I find it absolutely delightful that he clings to moral high ground while torturing and starving a prisoner. And at least from what I’ve seen, there’s a lot of room for interpretation as to the level of guilt and involvement he actually feels about what’s being done to Dream. He goes back and forth between justifying the treatment as something Dream categorically deserves, and justifying it as a means to an end. Whether that end is the book itself, or whether it’s Quackity’s cooperation/satisfaction, or whether it’s some twisted and bloody sense of justice and duty, seems to vary wildly. On top of that, of course, is the irony that Dream was the one to give him this commission and this job in the first place: in every respect, it’s a duty to Dream (to punish him; to secure him; to uphold his rules) that Sam’s fulfilling. Dream isn’t the only one to suffer from Sam’s inflexibility surrounding the entire concept of Dream: Tommy and Ponk do too.

And yet it’s not the inflexibility that ends up hurting Dream the worst: it’s the gaps in that rigidity. If Sam had kept the prison operating as apparently originally commissioned, it would be inhumane but just about bearable: hardly the level of absurd, over-the-top war crime that it’s reached by now. His choice to begin starving Dream in earnest seems to have been mostly an emotional reaction, after Tommy’s death. (Ironic, too, that Tommy also suffered the result of this choice.) And this is fine, because it’s not active: it’s passive, something that’s happening by inaction. Same with giving Quackity specially made weapons and total carte blanche.

The level of trust that Dream has in Sam’s sense of duty is also fascinating. Even as late as the most recent stream, after the guy’s been permitting him to be tortured for months, Dream appeals to Sam’s need to keep Dream static, in one place as his prisoner, in order to save his life. Incidentally, I do think that convincing Sam to keep Quackity from straight-up murdering him is the only concession Dream was actually hoping to win with that conversation. because like, food and a courtyard visit? after a jail break? Like hell is Sam going to grant that, even before the stunt he and Techno pulled, and Dream knows it. I think that the rest of that conversation was just to deflect, and keep Sam from questioning Dream more sharply about whatever he and Techno have planned. Bringing up Tommy and letting Sam go off on his predictable diatribe about morality and just desserts seemed similarly strategic: Dream knows what Sam thinks about what kind of treatment he deserves. He’s had months to figure it out, and it wasn’t exactly rocket science to begin with.

Anyway, that trust is the same reason Dream appealed (unsuccessfully) to Sam when Quackity first showed up: it devastated him to realize that he’d miscalculated the degree of Sam’s willingness to set aside his duty in this one particular way. Quackity in general represents a HUGE blind spot in Sam’s otherwise completely rigid inflexibility: so huge it’s almost baffling, given what Sam was ready to do to Tommy and Ponk and Ghostbur. But Quackity represents a loophole Sam badly wants. He badly, badly wants some good old-fashioned vengeance, without dressing it up with any pretensions of procedure or justice, but he can’t allow himself to actively act on those impulses—or else he would be Bad, and he can’t have that. He has to believe himself to be Good, and he wants to indulge himself with Dream’s suffering anyway. So he explains that, actually, Dream’s treatment is Dream’s own fault. It’s hilariously deluded.

Which brings me to Quackity, because what makes Quackity fun is that he’s actually NOT hilariously deluded—not about this, at least. Unlike Sam, he’s not laboring under the insane mental acrobatics necessary to convince himself that torture is Good Actually. He knows that what he’s doing is terrible, but he owns it: he’s fine admitting that he enjoys it, that he’s doing this for personal gain and personal vengeance and not for reasons of high-minded civic duty. He’s justifying the torture with brutal simplicity: Dream has hurt him and Dream has something he needs, done and done. He seems to be a firm believer in vengeful and disproportionate retribution, just as with his whole Butcher Army thing. To which I say, neat and fun! I also really really enjoy the power dynamic between him and Dream. Dream is someone who commands respect and fear and power, who could murder Quackity with one hand tied behind his back if they were on equal footing, and who probably barely spared him a thought as a threat. Quackity lives in terror of the thought of Dream escaping and wreaking his vengeance. And Quackity is trying his very best to wrestle that power away from him.

He seems to be pretty unpracticed and ineffective at torture, too—like, yeah, I get this is Minecraft and props are limited, but torturing someone long-term with an ax and a sword is going to be more than a bit unwieldy. and did he even bring in health potions his first day? It’s pretty telling and hilarious that Sam is the one who offers the shears, a far more practical choice of tool. Not to mention that the entire premise of his interrogation gives Dream massive, massive incentive to never give Quackity anything. Quackity straight up admits to Dream that the information he wants is the only reason he’s letting Dream live, which is utterly counterproductive if he wants the book sometime this year. Functionally, he needs to torture Dream not merely into admission, but into suicide. And as the days and weeks and months pass, he’s still got nothing to show for it but growing vindictiveness, paranoia, and frustration. By the time of the latest stream, he’s completely lost the plot—his threats don’t even make sense, his violence is ineffective and unhinged and indiscriminate. He’s lost all leverage and he’s needlessly (re)made a powerful enemy in Technoblade.

So, like, characters like Lucifer are fun because they’re good at torture. Characters like Quackity are fun because they’re bad at torture. But that doesn’t much matter. He doesn’t need to be particularly talented, or strong, or skilled to make Dream’s existence hell: the bare facts of the situation are more than enough for that. What does he learn, over the course of these visits—what skills does he hone, what kinds of violence does he discover that he can stomach? What depths of ruthlessness and creativity and hatred does he discover within himself? What threats does he make that he finds himself following through on before he’s even thought through the implications? It’s a learning curve, for him and Dream both. They’re learning each other, they’re learning the corners of this little hell together. Dream wasn’t expecting him to be capable of this degree of hostility or violence. Quackity is sick of being underestimated.

Which brings me finally to Dream. My general and hastily-gleaned impression of the fandom gives me the distinct impression that there is somehow a school of thought convinced Dream’s earned this treatment? Which baffles me. not only in how its absurd extremity (daily torture in a tiny box for literal months, jesus fucking christ) isn’t something even the most terrible villain could earn, but also in how Dream himself strikes me more as a morally gray fallen/falling antihero type than anything else. I was honestly completely prepared to find him to be a straightforward Bad Guy pre-prison, but that’s not at all my impression. He’s clearly got people and things he cares about and wants to protect, and big picture goals he’ll ruthlessly sacrifice anything to advance (ahem Cas-coded Sam girl). Really, it’s more that roleplays don’t tend to lend themselves easily to those types of narrative classification: nearly every character is a POV character; consuming the content from every perspective is nearly impossible. There aren’t super neat ways to sort antagonists and protagonists in essential terms, only in their relationships to one another. In terms of manipulation, war crimes, power-grabbing, and general destruction, practically everyone on the server is guilty to some degree or another. Dream’s treated Tommy pretty damn terribly, but that hardly makes him unique. What does make Dream unique is that he’s been singled out for near-universally-agreed-upon confinement (which oh so conveniently aligns with him being held as a tool, for information). And that’s neat!

…Look, tldr I just like it when people are in torture boxes. more media should have torture boxes, they are good and fun.

#not spn #anyway nonny I would LOVE to chat more about this tbh #suicide mention #torture #dsmp for ts

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sleepyfaceandsnark · 3 years

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Distant Lover, One Day I'll Hold You Like the Sun Holds the Moon

Summary:

When Steve leaves a letter for the new resident at the lake house he stayed at during the summer he doesn't expect to get a letter back, or such puzzling exchange that'll make him ask is this fate? Or is this just an expertly crafted practical joke?

AO3

January 4th 2012

Dear New Resident,

I hope you enjoy this quaint house as much as I did. May it feel you with many times of peace. Please if you receive any mail addressed to me to forward it to my current address listed at the bottom of this letter. The paw prints on the dock and the box in the attic were here when I got here. Not sure who the box belongs to.

Enjoy your stay,

Steve R

Steve leaves the letter in the mailbox and takes his last bag of luggage. He didn't so much lie in the letter it really was a nice, quaint place and it was very peaceful but regardless of those facts he couldn't wait to leave the lake house behind him. It wasn't the lake house's fault he had a bad break up and had to go back to shifts at the emergency room after his private practice lost their funding and he certainly didn't believe it was cursed so it was okay to omit his personal drama from the note. He takes one last look at the house, placed in the middle of a lake 5 miles wide with large windows being the only source of outside exterior walls. It gives the illusion just anyone could look in but there was no one around to do so, and even then by some technological advances of some kind Steve couldn't bother to remember, the glass reflects in a way that disables anyone from seeing in. The walkway from land to house is around 10 yards and narrow, leaving enough room for one person and maybe a dog Steve thinks as he rolls his eyes looking at the pawprints again. He finally jumps in his car and pulls away from the house with promise he'll be back to check on it soon.

February 3rd

Bucky Barnes drives his truck down the gravel road towards the secluded lake house he decided, on a whim, to rent. A stupid decision possibly, especially for a bartender, but a great place for him to get peace to write. He checks the mailbox and sees a letter written by the previous inhabitant. He slings his only bag back over his shoulder and slides his fingers though the flap of the envelope to open it as he walks up the walkway. He unfolds it as he puts the keys he was given in the lock, flicks the lights on by the door, and drops his bag down. He walks to the couch and starts reading.

Quaint? Definitely. He got that memo when he checked out the place. He glances quickly at the bottom to see the address he's supposed to forward the mail to and goes back up to reading.

Paw prints on the dock? Not sure he remembers seeing those unless he wasn't paying attention when he was shown the place, or even just now. He'll check in the morning.

Box? That could be interesting. Soon as he's settled and orders some food he'll find his way up to the attic.

He puts the letter down. Okay so no notion of anything be haunted. That's good. Except maybe the mysterious box.

His food comes and he puts on the tv, setting it up when he was waiting for the delivery. Of course setting up the tv took longer than the thought so he didn't have time to look in the attic for the mysterious box. He finishes his dinner, discarding the remnants in the trash. He sits back down to finish the episode of whatever mindless tv program he settled on to rid himself of scrolling through all of the channels. He already forgot the name of it but it was a rerun of some show about people jumping through impossible obstacles. Bucky sits back and wonder if he could do that, maybe even win there prize...if there even was a prize. Note to self look up how to apply to American obstacle course show or something...

He turns it off after the episode ends resisting the urge to let it go to the next one and decides now is a good time as any to look up at the attic.

He pulls the covering down, revealing a small latter, and climbs up. He peaks his head through the hole and notices how empty the room is. He climbs through regardless and walks around the room seeing a few pieces of furniture, some with sheets covering it some covered in dust. That's odd. Almost as if no one has been up here in years. He looks around some more but doesn't see anything resembling a box. Maybe the letter was old and not only did the other inhabitants paint over the paw prints but also got rid of the box (and never dusted). Shame he was curious.

He checks the letter again and there was no date besides the day and month. Maybe it was January 4th of another year?

Bucky sighs and goes back to the television, scrolling through again until he falls on some movie that was halfway done. He falls asleep on the couch. Next day he looks around the house, in daylight this time, and sees what could possibly be fixed. He doesn't notice much in the house besides some rusty hinges which wont be a huge project so he goes outside to look. He walks on the walkway still not seeing the paw prints that were supposedly there however he does notice the paint chipping, pieces of it coming of in his hand as he slides it down. Looks like he'll need a trip to the nearest hardware store for some paint. It'll probably be easiest to just match the black that's already on it as much as he'd like to try his hand at a bold color change.

Luckily the hardware store was nearby so about a half an hour later he has the paint, brushes, a roller (in case that's easier), and a tray to dump the paint in.

About an hour in, and not even halfway done, he hears something near the bushes on the other side of the road of the house. He hears something jump out of it and the light scratching of nails on the pavement. He's about to turn around and face whatever beast decided to intrude on his peaceful Lake House when he hears a playful bark. The best, or otherwise known as a Golden Retriever, gallops towards him tongue flopping in the wind. Bucky manages to dodge out of the dog's way but unfortunately the paint pan didn't make it. The dog's feet run through it, knocking the paint can over as well in the process, and continues to run down the walkway and towards the house. Bucky stops the dog as it's feet touch the front porch of the house, and thanks himself for closing the door.

"Hey, buddy. What're you doing?" Bucky asks the dog as if the dog will answer him back 'Oh nothing much just going for my mid day jog'.

Bucky laughs to himself . “Alright let me see if I can get you cleaned up,” he says to the dog. He put his hand on the door knob but stops himself. Oh right. House that’s technically not his, dog that’s definitely not his with paint on his paws. Probably wouldn’t make a good mixture.

“Umm…” Bucky turns back to the dog who is sitting patiently. “Stay,” he apprehensively orders, pointing to the ground. “Stay,” He repeats as he opens the door. “Stay.” He says again as he moves his body backwards into the door, not leaving room for the dog to come in. Besides extending his head to the door the dog stays still.

Bucky rushes to the kitchen and looks in the drawers for a dish towel of some kind. Nothing. God the previous people really didn’t leave shit. He sighs and takes the roll of paper towels he had got on his way back from the hardware store. He ripped some off and folded it as he wet it under the sink quickly. He walks back to the front door mostly expecting the dog to run off, which he actually did think it did until he opens the door fully and sees it laying down on the porch near the door.

“Well at least you’re a good listener,” Bucky says, lowering himself to the ground. He grabs a paw, darkened with paint. The dog lets him, wagging its tail as Bucky uses the cloth to wipe off some of the paint. “Even if you did ruin my walkway…” He looks past the dog to long cement connecting the house to land. “Wait a minute…” He gets up and sees the paw prints all the way from towards the road to his house. The walkway, the painted paw prints. He walks over and brushes his shoe over one. It’s already dry. Paw prints on the walkway just like the letter described.

He walks back over to the dog and finishes cleaning its paws. He wears a puzzled look on his face as he thinks, much to the dog’s displeasure. Bucky feels a light kick on his face as he notices the dog roll on his back, asking for a belly rub. This shakes Bucky out of his trance as he laughs again at his new friend and obliges. The dog’s paws are clean and Bucky packs up the remaining paint, he’ll finish tomorrow. He heads inside, this time not giving the dog any orders so he follows him inside. Bucky doesn’t mind. He grabs the letter from the table by the couch and rereads it. He shakes his head again, maybe this dog has done this before? Or any dog for that matter? He sighs, looks through one of his bags for a piece of paper and decides to write a letter back. Tomorrow, after getting the dog checked at the vet, he’ll pick up some envelopes and stamps.

#Bucky Barnes #Steve Rogers #Stevebucky #Steve x Bucky #Steve and Bucky #fanfiction #fics #my fics #fluff #light angst #slow burn #letters #pen pals #dogs #captain america #marvel #mystery #they're both lonely idiots that eventually fall in love #stucky

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jedimasterbailey · 3 years

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A sneak preview of the next chapter of my fic “The Padawans” in which Vader thinks of Ahsoka and Luminara as he plans his fated rematch with Barriss. Includes a flashback to a conversation between Anakin and Luminara post “Brain Invaders” that we should have seen! Link to the fic below, enjoy and thank you for the support 💚💙❤️

Darth Vader stares out to the busy metropolis of Coruscant from his personal quarters in the Imperial Palace, lost in thought. Behind the bulbous black eyes that served as the Sith Lord’s window to the world were tired blue ones still hoping to catch a glimpse of the former residence of Padme Amidala, the deceased wife of Anakin Skywalker. It was moments like this where the former Jedi Knight missed the Senator deeply. For Vader was about to encounter another ghost from his past, Anakin’s past. Soon Vader will be face to face with Luminara Unduli in the very place she used to call home, a home he destroyed.

In the months after the rise of the Empire, Palpatine had the Jedi Temple renovated into his own personal palace. Although the bodies of the dead Jedi have been long excavated and the relics of the Jedi long destroyed, echoes of the past were everywhere. Vader could still see the destruction he caused and he could still hear the terrified screams of the younglings and Knights that were at his mercy. No amount of refurbishment could ever erase what he had done. It was because of this that Vader avoided the palace as much as he could. The Sith apprentice despised being in the place Anakin Skywalker and his Jedi family once resided in. However, if being here resulted in the reappearance of Barriss Offee, then Vader will do what must be done.

The plan was simple. Luminara will be the bait and once Barriss was right where the Dark Lord needed her, Luminara would be disposed of. Vader wanted the Mirialan to feel the same scorching pain he felt on Mustafar when Obi-wan left him for dead. If he couldn’t have his Master’s love, neither could she.

Victory was inevitable. Anakin may have been weak, but if Barriss couldn’t defeat him, then she didn’t stand a chance against Vader, especially with a broken heart. Vader will prove Sidious wrong; that the girl is unworthy of the title of Darth or worth the attention of Ahsoka Tano.

Yet despite his quest for vengeance, Vader was admittedly nervous to see Luminara again. For months he has avoided contact, leaving the Grand Inquisitor to handle the matter. Seeing the woman Anakin viewed as a mother figure beaten and bruised by his own henchman was the last thing Vader wanted to do. It was no different than the Sith avoiding Padme’s tomb on Naboo; he could not face what he has done. As hard as the Emperor had tried to snuff it out, Anakin’s spirit was still trapped inside the machine that was his body. Vader was going to have to kill the one person he knew was Luminara’s whole heart and the Anakin part of him hated him for it.

The cyborg then walks over to a bedside table, the very table Anakin used to hold such possessions, and opens the drawer that contained the last pieces of his Jedi past he refused to part with. In one hand he held one of Ahsoka’s lightsabers and in the other, her Padawan beads.

Vader did not believe for a moment that his former apprentice was gone. Ahsoka had managed to survive situations that would have killed more experienced Jedi. He had taught her how to outsmart the enemy and how to defy seemingly impossible odds. The lightsaber had merely been a decoy and the presence of Morai was confirmation. Somewhere out there, Ahsoka Tano was alive and one day, they would meet again. Vader was sure of it.

“Forgive me, for what I’m about to do.” Vader says to the items in his hands. He didn’t know who exactly he was talking to; Ahsoka or Luminara. Regardless, the Dark Lord thinks back to a time where both women were safe and within arms reach.

Feeling ecstatic that Ahsoka has woken up from her healing trance after her encounter with the Geonosian parasites, Anakin takes it upon himself to find food for his Padawan. Just before the mess hall was a small lounge where visitors could sit and wait while the healers worked on patients. Having been up for several hours on end between their mission on Geonosis and waiting for Ahsoka to wake up, Anakin wanted to grab a cup a caf before waiting in line for food. Upon entering the quiet room, the Jedi Knight was baffled to see a very miserable Luminara Unduli staring into her own beverage.

The Mirialan’s hands were shaking and her eyes were red and puffy, presumably from crying. Never in all his years of knowing the Jedi Master has Anakin seen her look so broken. He takes a seat beside Luminara and places a comforting hand on her shoulder.

“Master?”

Luminara raises her head up to meet the young man’s gaze, fresh tears streaming down her face, “Is Ahsoka alright?”

Anakin nods, “She just woke up. Physically, she’s on the mend, it’s her mind I’m worried about. Our Padawans have been through a lot, more than I’d like to think about.”

“Yes... our girls deserve so much more.” Luminara sighs, grabbing tissue to dry her eyes.

“Barriss is going to come through too, she’s strong and resilient like her Master.” Anakin says gently, earning a watery laugh from the woman.

“I’m not sure about that Skywalker... I’ve failed as a Master.” Luminara professes sadly.

Anakin would hear none of it, “Now hold on a second, you have not failed Barriss. None of this is your fault!”

Luminara shakes her head, “I’ve almost lost her twice within a day. It’s my job to protect her and I’ve failed. According to Master Fisto, Barriss’s head scans indicate that she may have suffered some head trauma between the worm and the extreme cold. First, she almost suffocates after blowing up a whole factory with herself still in it only to then get infected by a parasite hours later! Who knows how she’ll be when she wakes up!”

“Perhaps you were right all along. Maybe I should have accompanied Barriss inside the catacombs instead of endangering your student. Maybe I should have gone with the girls on that supply run. There were plenty of Jedi to interagate Poggle and Ahsoka would have been safer in your care. I’ve been a fool! I’m so sorry Anakin and I owe Ahsoka an apology too!”

Anakin then wraps an arm around the woman and pulls her close, “You're being way too hard on yourself, Luminara. You’re forgetting that there were a lot of factors that were beyond our control. Your plan on Geonosis was good! We probably would’ve been successful without it because Force knows I don’t think things through, I’m glad someone was doing the thinking!

“The assignment given to the Padawans was more than reasonable. I’m sure Ahsoka was thrilled to see Barriss’s photographic memory at work and I really do need to work on trusting her. You weren’t planning on those slimy bugs getting in the way nor were you counting on one of those nasty worms infecting the troops on that shuttle. I can’t believe I’m saying this to you of all people, but I think you should give yourself some grace!”

“If you’ve failed as a Master for things not according to plan, then I am a huge failure as well as Obi-wan and probably every other Jedi Master that’s ever lived. You saw how well his plan went when he thought he could talk sense into the Queen of bugs. You were just seconds away from being possessed!” Anakin argues, rolling his eyes at the memory of Obi-wan’s curiosity.

“Rest assured, I’ll be giving him plenty of grief for that!” Luminara smiles, her face brightening up a little, “But thank you Anakin... your kindness never fails to amaze me.”

“Let me know when you do because I’d love to see that. All things considered, he deserves a good beating.” Anakin winks with a playful nudge before getting serious again. “Did you want to see Barriss? I was going to grab something to eat for Ahsoka, but if you need the company, I’d walk with you.”

Luminara nods, “Yes, I wanted to give you and Ahsoka some time alone especially since it may be a while before Barriss wakes up given her injuries.”

Anakin beams at the Jedi Master. For as long as he’s known Luminara, she has always been considerate and gentle with his needs.

“I appreciate that, Master.”

“Can I ask you something?” Luminara says with a far off look on her face.

“Anything.”

“Did you really believe that I gave up on Barriss when the factory went down?” Luminara asks calmly, but Anakin could tell from her breathing that it was a facade.

“No.” Anakin admits allowing Luminara to exhale a sigh of relief, “I allowed my fear to get the better of me and I took it out on you. You were trying to console me and even when I didn’t deserve it, you never got upset with me. You were hurting just as much as I was and I was selfish. I know better than that! Of course you care about Barriss! I owe you an apology Master, I’m sorry.”

Luminara begins to cry again startling the Jedi Knight, “Did I say something wrong?”

Luminara shakes her head.

“No! I’m just so relieved!” Luminara sobs, putting her face in her hands.

“Oh, good! I’m sure Obi-wan would kill me if I upset you.” Anakin chuckles, rising to offer a hand to Luminara.

“Walk with me back to the girl’s room? I gotta stop and get Snips some food, but I’m sure she’d love your company. And who knows? Maybe Barriss will wake up! I’m sure your face is the first one she’d want to see.”

With a smile as bright as the twin suns of Tatooine, Luminara graciously accepts Anakin’s hand, “I’d love to.”

Gingerly placing the lightsaber and beads back where he found them, Vader turns to leave the room, sensing the Grand Inquisitor’s presence as well as a weakened Luminara. For the sake of his sanity, the Dark Lord prayed his true identity stayed a secret with the prisoner.

#star wars fanfiction #anakin skywalker #ahsoka tano #barriss offee #luminara unduli #darth vader #darth vader is regretting everything

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bigskydreaming · 3 years

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Are you going to read Tom Taylor’s nightwing? The preview looks fun

Oh I’ll give it a shot, for sure. I didn’t read the preview yet but I did read his interview. I like that he acknowledged the awkwardness of having already killed Dick twice. As that’s the sort of thing bound to be an elephant in the room with any character, when that’s the only real history a writer has with that character before taking over his solo title, lol. So I mean, at least he’s aware of why some Dick Grayson fans are like uh, approaching with caution, lmao.

The only part that really concerned me was when he said he was eager to get Nightwing back on the pedestal where he belongs when.....what. No. Bad take. Do not like. IMO that’s the crux of all issues with his character, the fact that no person real or fictional BELONGS on a pedestal, and being on one is never ever to anybody’s benefit, because its flat out impossible to live up to the expectations that go hand in hand with someone existing up atop a pedestal. So I’m like....no. Nobody needs to put anybody back on a pedestal.

BUT. I’m trying not to read too much into it yet, as its entirely possible it was just an unfortunate turn of phrase he didn’t put too much thought into, and he was just expressing an acknowledgment of the battering Dick’s reputation and perception in audience eyes has taken over the past few years, and he’s eager to just....work on making him better-liked again.

So. We’ll see. *Shrugs*

I mean, ultimately, my wishlist for anyone writing Dick Grayson is pretty finite? Like, a huge part of my exasperation in a lot of my more ranty-posts is like, I don’t have this long list of expectations or demands for his character in order for me to personally enjoy him and his writing......the frustrating part is just HOW MANY of the takes on him I dislike all stem from the same handful of issues.

So really, all I’m hoping for from Taylor’s Nightwing run is:

1) A look at him as competent and capable as befits a character who’s been doing the superhero thing for about as long as anyone, and has been as integral to various teams and the cape community as he is....and with this acknowledged and like, shown the kind of respect you’d think would ATTACH to his alleged reputation within the cape community, instead of it only ever seeming to invite resentment from other characters instead. With this including a look at him as equally competent and capable in his civilian life, as befits a character who has always, across every single continuity, prided himself on being self-sufficient and independent wherever possible.

2) Keeping him centered in his own tragedies and traumas instead of him and those events just viewed as plot vehicles meant to inspire and evoke emotions in OTHER characters, with the focus then shifted entirely on how they feel about things he’s more directly and adversely impacted by. If I have to see one more victim-blaming centric storyline about this character, I’m gonna......well, just continue to rant about it the same way I always have I’M JUST SAYING, enoooooough, can we please have at least like a five year moratorium on ‘here’s how everything bad to befall Dick Grayson is directly his own fault in not just his own eyes, but also those of every other character and most readers.’ Like, there are other tropes. Check the Trope Well, I promise it has not yet run dry.

3) Allowing him the same range of emotions and reactions enjoyed by everyone when reacting to the things HE says and does, instead of him being limited by what he’s ‘supposed’ to be doing/feeling/thinking for the good of the family or teams or community instead of to his own damn benefit. Ie not having to swallow every insult or deprecating remark about how badly he dealt with various traumatic events to befall him, and instead getting to return fire and say how he feels about that - with this rendered sympathetically by the writing, instead of just another way to cast him as ungrateful, out of touch, or oblivious to his impact on others.

(All of which really don’t gel with him allegedly being the emotional glue of the Batfam and cape communities, which is where the expectations of him being supposed to do and say things to help support his family or bring them back close together come from in the first place. Like, this is a two-way street. You can’t claim you’re disappointed with this character for not being the emotional heart of his family like you want and EXPECT him to be, and then turn around and just completely and perpetually characterize him as being emotionally obtuse and self-centered and ungracious, because how the hell would a character like that even GET the reputation of being the emotional glue of a family or team in the first place, y’know? It doesn’t make sense.)

But yeah, just like, allow him to be a PART of these communities and family, instead of just wholly in service to their needs. Which means that hey, sometimes they fuck up too, and if that’s never actually acknowledged within a narrative, if the apology stream is always ever flowing one way, eventually you end up with a pretty unpleasant picture of a man who is only TRULY at the center/glue position of a family because he’s being utilized as the family scapegoat, someone everyone can hold accountable for everything that goes wrong and count on/expect him to ACCEPT accountability for that, thus artificially ‘solving’ conflict within the family or improving relationships temporarily, because the others are at least for the moment emotionally validated or satisfied by the ‘proof’ that someone was to blame for this and that someone has accepted said blame.

Like say, even when he dies or gets sent into what’s basically exile or loses all his memories or the dozen other things that correlate with things going to shit for everyone else, but without that correlation ever extended on their part to see that oh hey, rather than him and what happened to him just being the catalyst for things going to shit for us, things were ALSO rather shitty for him as well, at the same damn time.

Etc, etc.

But yeah, ultimately, that’s it, that’s my entire wishlist for stories about Dick Grayson, canon or otherwise. Literally all my wants and hopes for Taylor’s Nightwing run can be summed up as like, as long as its somewhat in range of/in keeping with the above list of three whole Super Big Asks, I’ll be fine with it.

I don’t need a super-revolutionary or ground-breaking new take on Dick Grayson. I will be one hundred percent happy and satisfied just reading stories that feel like they’re being written by a writer who is rooting for this hero and who is writing with the intention of having readers root for him too.

And hey, even if all else fails, at least Taylor’s not Tynion, lololol.

#yes Im still mad about Batman and Robin Eternal why do you ask

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kkintle · 3 years

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Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy; Quotes

Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

“I always loved you, and if one loves any one, one loves the whole person, just as they are and not as one would like them to be.”

“Is this life? I am not living, but waiting for an event, which is continually put off and put off.”

Then, for the first time, grasping that for every man, and himself too, there was nothing in store but suffering, death, and forgetfulness, he had made up his mind that life was impossible like that, and that he must either interpret life so that it would not present itself to him as the evil jest of some devil, or shoot himself.

“Some think marriage a game; for others it is the most serious business of their lives.”

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone,” (...)

“Vengeance is mine,I will repay.”

“Yes, she won’t forgive me, and she can’t forgive me. And the most awful thing about it is that it’s all my fault—all my fault, though I’m not to blame. That’s the point of the whole situation,” he reflected.

There was no solution, but that universal solution which life gives to all questions, even the most complex and insoluble. That answer is: one must live in the needs of the day—that is, forget oneself.

They were fond of one another in spite of the difference of their characters and tastes, as friends are fond of one another who have been together in early youth.

He had heard that women often did care for ugly and ordinary men, but he did not believe it, for he judged by himself, and he could not himself have loved any but beautiful, mysterious, and exceptional women.

He walked down, for a long while avoiding looking at her as at the sun, but seeing her, as one does the sun, without looking.

“Why, of course,” objected Stepan Arkadyevitch. “But that’s just the aim of civilization—to make everything a source of enjoyment.”

Stepan Arkadyevitch smiled. He so well knew that feeling of Levin’s, that for him all the girls in the world were divided into two classes: one class—all the girls in the world except her, and those girls with all sorts of human weaknesses, and very ordinary girls: the other class—she alone, having no weaknesses of any sort and higher than all humanity.

‘Forgive me not according to my unworthiness, but according to Thy loving-kindness.’

“All the variety, all the charm, all the beauty of life is made up of light and shadow.”

There are people who, on meeting a successful rival, no matter in what, are at once disposed to turn their backs on everything good in him, and to see only what is bad. There are people, on the other hand, who desire above all to find in that lucky rival the qualities by which he has outstripped them, and seek with a throbbing ache at heart only what is good.

(...) If one forgives, it must be completely, completely.

Anna was unmistakably admiring her loveliness and her youth: before Kitty knew where she was she found herself not merely under Anna’s sway, but in love with her, as young girls do fall in love with older and married women. Anna was not like a fashionable lady, nor the mother of a boy of eight years old. In the elasticity of her movements, the freshness and the unflagging eagerness which persisted in her face and broke out in her smile and her glance, she would rather have passed for a girl of twenty, had it not been for a serious and at times mournful look in her eyes, which struck and attracted Kitty. Kitty felt that Anna was perfectly simple and was concealing nothing, but that she had another higher world of interests inaccessible to her, complex and poetic.

“So now you know whom you’ve got to do with. And if you think you’re lowering yourself, well, here’s the floor, there’s the door.”

“With friends, one is well; but at home, one is better,” (...)

“Well, there’s nothing to be done. . . . It’s not my fault. But now everything shall go on in a new way. It’s nonsense to pretend that life won’t let one, that the past won’t let one. One must struggle to live better, much better.”

“Every heart has its own skeletons, as the English say.”

She had no need to ask why he had come. She knew as certainly as if he had told her that he was here to be where she was.

As though tears were the indispensable oil, without which the machinery of mutual confidence could not run smoothly between the two sisters, the sisters after their tears talked, not of what was uppermost in their minds, but, though they talked of outside matters, they understood each other.

“ (...) ‘No one is satisfied with his fortune, and every one is satisfied with his wit.’ ” The attaché repeated the French saying.

He felt what a murderer must feel, when he sees the body he has robbed of life. That body, robbed by him of life, was their love, the first stage of their love. There was something awful and revolting in the memory of what had been bought at this fearful price of shame. Shame at their spiritual nakedness crushed her and infected him. But in spite of all the murderer’s horror before the body of his victim, he must hack it to pieces, hide the body, must use what he has gained by his murder.

“ (...) There, do you see, you know the type of Ossian’s women . . . Women, such as one sees in dreams . . . Well, these women are sometimes to be met in reality . . . and these women are terrible. Woman, don’t you know, is such a subject that however much you study it, it’s always perfectly new.” “Well, then, it would be better not to study it.” “No. Some mathematician has said that enjoyment lies in the search for truth, not in the finding it.”

In the pauses of complete stillness there came the rustle of last year’s leaves, stirred by the thawing of the earth and the growth of the grass. “Imagine! One can hear and see the grass growing!”

“Count the sands of the sea, number the stars. (...)”

“The great thing’s to keep quiet before a race,” said he; “don’t get out of temper or upset about anything.”

He was angry with all of them for their interference just because he felt in his soul that they, all these people, were right.

This child’s presence called up both in Vronsky and in Anna a feeling akin to the feeling of a sailor who sees by the compass that the direction in which he is swiftly moving is far from the right one, but that to arrest his motion is not in his power, that every instant is carrying him farther and farther away, and that to admit to himself his deviation from the right direction is the same as admitting his certain ruin.

(...) like a man who, after vainly attempting to extinguish a fire, should fly in a rage with his vain efforts and say, “Oh, very well then! you shall burn for this!”

(...) “we mustn’t forget that those who are taking part in the race are military men, who have chosen that career, and one must allow that every calling has its disagreeable side. It forms an integral part of the duties of an officer. Low sports, such as prize-fighting or Spanish bull-fights, are a sign of barbarity. But specialized trials of skill are a sign of development.”

“Who are you? What are you? Are you really the exquisite creature I imagine you to be? But for goodness’ sake don’t suppose,” her eyes added, “that I would force my acquaintance on you, I simply admire you and like you.” “I like you too, and you’re very, very sweet. And I should like you better still, if I had time,” answered the eyes of the unknown girl.

“Perhaps so,” said the prince, squeezing her hand with his elbow; “but it’s better when one does good so that you may ask every one and no one knows.”

“But time’s money, you forget that,” said the colonel. “Time, indeed, that depends! Why, there’s time one would give a month of for sixpence, and time you wouldn’t give half an hour of for any money.

“ (...) I’ll be bad; but anyway not a liar, a cheat.”

“(...) while you have at your disposal a means of helping them, and don’t help them because to your mind it’s of no importance.” And Sergey Ivanovitch put before him the alternative: either you are so undeveloped that you can’t see all that you can do, or you won’t sacrifice your ease, your vanity, or whatever it is, to do it.

“I imagine,” he said, “that no sort of activity is likely to be lasting if it is not founded on self-interest, that’s a universal principle, a philosophical principle,” (...)

Those joys were so small that they passed unnoticed, like gold in sand, and at bad moments she could see nothing but the pain, nothing but sand; but there were good moments too when she saw nothing but the joy, nothing but gold.

Hypocrisy in anything whatever may deceive the cleverest and most penetrating man, but the least wide-awake of children recognizes it, and is revolted by it, however ingeniously it may be disguised.

“No,” he said to himself, “however good that life of simplicity and toil may be, I cannot go back to it. I love her.”

He experienced the sensations of a man who has had a tooth out after suffering long from toothache. After a fearful agony and a sense of something huge, bigger than the head itself, being torn out of his jaw, the sufferer, hardly able to believe in his own good luck, feels all at once that what has so long poisoned his existence and enchained his attention, exists no longer, and that he can live and think again, and take interest in other things besides his tooth.

“It is a misfortune which may befall any one. And this misfortune has befallen me. The only thing to be done is to make the best of the position.”

And it was not the necessity of concealment, not the aim with which the concealment was contrived, but the process of concealment itself which attracted her.

“To sleep well one ought to work, and to enjoy oneself one ought to work too.”

Every man who knows to the minutest details all the complexity of the conditions surrounding him, cannot help imagining that the complexity of these conditions, and the difficulty of making them clear, is something exceptional and personal, peculiar to himself, and never supposes that others are surrounded by just as complicated an array of personal affairs as he is.

“The manner of life you have chosen is reflected, I suppose, in your ideas.”

When Sviazhsky had finished, Levin could not help asking: “Well, and what then?” But there was nothing to follow. It was simply interesting that it had been proved to be so and so. But Sviazhsky did not explain, and saw no need to explain why it was interesting to him.

“I work, I want to do something, but I had forgotten it must all end; I had forgotten—death.”

The position was one of misery for all three; and not one of them would have been equal to enduring this position for a single day, if it had not been for the expectation that it would change, that it was merely a temporary painful ordeal which would pass over.

By gymnastics and careful attention to his health he had brought himself to such a point that in spite of his excess in pleasure he looked as fresh as a big glossy green Dutch cucumber.

She laid her two hands on his shoulders, and looked a long while at him with a profound, passionate, and at the same time searching look. She was studying his face to make up for the time she had not seen him. She was, every time she saw him, making the picture of him in her imagination (incomparably superior, impossible in reality) fit with him as he really was.

Then he had thought himself unhappy, but happiness was before him; now he felt that the best happiness was already left behind.

He looked at her as a man looks at a faded flower he has gathered, with difficulty recognizing in it the beauty for which he picked and ruined it. And in spite of this he felt that then, when his love was stronger, he could, if he had greatly wished it, have torn that love out of his heart; but now, when as at that moment it seemed to him he felt no love for her, he knew that what bound him to her could not be broken.

“It is old; but do you know, when you grasp this fully, then somehow everything becomes of no consequence. When you understand that you will die to-morrow, if not to-day, and nothing will be left, then everything is so unimportant!

(...) no difference is less easily overcome than the difference of opinion about semi-abstract questions, (...)

“What is horrible in a trouble of this kind is that one cannot, as in any other—in loss, in death—bear one’s trouble in peace, but that one must act,” said he, as though guessing her thought. “One must get out of the humiliating position in which one is placed; one can’t live á trois.”

“One may save any one who does not want to be ruined; but if the whole nature is so corrupt, so depraved, that ruin itself seems to her salvation, what’s to be done?”

“What do they want to argue for? No one ever convinces any one, you know.” “Yes; that’s true,” said Levin; “it generally happens that one argues warmly simply because one can’t make out what one’s opponent wants to prove.”

(...) he had firmly decided in his heart; but he could not tear out of his heart his regret at the loss of her love, he could not erase from his memory those moments of happiness that he had so little prized at the time, and that haunted him in all their charm.

“Doubt is natural to the weakness of mankind,” (...)

“There’s some sense in this custom of saying good-bye to bachelor life,” said Sergey Ivanovitch. “However happy you may be, you must regret your freedom.”

In reality, those who in Vronsky’s opinion had the “proper” view had no sort of view at all, but behaved in general as well-bred persons do behave in regard to all the complex and insoluble problems with which life is encompassed on all sides; they behaved with propriety, avoiding allusions and unpleasant questions. They assumed an air of fully comprehending the import and force of the situation, of accepting and even approving of it, but of considering it superfluous and uncalled for to put all this into words.

The thought of the harm caused to her husband aroused in her a feeling like repulsion, and akin to what a drowning man might feel who has shaken off another man clinging to him. That man did drown. It was an evil action, of course, but it was the sole means of escape, and better not to brood over these fearful facts.

Never did he work with such fervor and success as when things went ill with him, (...)

And the most experienced and adroit painter could not by mere mechanical facility paint anything if the lines of the subject were not revealed to him first.

He knew that Vronsky could not be prevented from amusing himself with painting; he knew that he and all dilettanti had a perfect right to paint what they liked, but it was distasteful to him. A man could not be prevented from making himself a big wax doll, and kissing it. But if the man were to come with the doll and sit before a man in love, and begin caressing his doll as the lover caressed the woman he loved, it would be distasteful to the lover. Just such a distasteful sensation was what Mihailov felt at the sight of Vronsky’s painting: he felt it both ludicrous and irritating, both pitiable and offensive.

At every step he experienced what a man would experience who, after admiring the smooth, happy course of a little boat on a lake, should get himself into that little boat. He saw that it was not all sitting still, floating smoothly; that one had to think too, not for an instant to forget where one was floating; and that there was water under one, and that one must row; and that his unaccustomed hands would be sore; and that it was only to look at it that was easy; but that doing it, though very delightful, was very difficult.

But it is hard for anyone who is dissatisfied not to blame some one else, and especially the person nearest of all to him, for the ground of his dissatisfaction

“He’s just one of those people of whom they say they’re not for this world.”

He was nine years old; he was a child; but he knew his own soul, it was precious to him, he guarded it as the eyelid guards the eye, and without the key of love he let no one into his soul.

One may sit for several hours at a stretch with one’s legs crossed in the same position, if one knows that there’s nothing to prevent one’s changing one’s position; but if a man knows that he must remain sitting so with crossed legs, then cramps come on, the legs begin to twitch and to strain towards the spot to which one would like to draw them.

She had prepared everything but the words she should say to her son. Often as she had dreamed of it, she could never think of anything.

(...) and slightly turning, was saying something to Yashvin. The setting of her head on her handsome, broad shoulders, and the restrained excitement and brilliance of her eyes and her whole face reminded him of her just as he had seen her at the ball in Moscow. But he felt utterly different towards her beauty now. In his feeling for her now there was no element of mystery, and so her beauty, though it attracted him even more intensely than before, gave him now a sense of injury.

“You think he can’t fall in love,” said Kitty, translating into her own language. “It’s not so much that he can’t fall in love,” Levin said, smiling, “but he has not the weakness necessary.... I’ve always envied him, and even now, when I’m so happy, I still envy him.” “You envy him for not being able to fall in love?” “I envy him for being better than I,” said Levin. “He does not live for himself. His whole life is subordinated to his duty. And that’s why he can be calm and contented.”

“I don’t think anything,” she said, “but I always loved you, and if one loves any one, one loves the whole person, just as they are and not as one would like them to be....”

“It’s our Russian apathy,” said Vronsky, pouring water from an iced decanter into a delicate glass on a high stem; “we’ve no sense of the duties our privileges impose upon us, and so we refuse to recognize these duties.”

But her chief thought was still of herself—how far she was dear to Vronsky, how far she could make up to him for all he had given up. Vronsky appreciated this desire not only to please, but to serve him, which had become the sole aim of her existence, but at the same time he wearied of the loving snares in which she tried to hold him fast. As time went on, and he saw himself more and more often held fast in these snares, he had an ever-growing desire, not so much to escape from them, as to try whether they hindered his freedom.

“But you say it’s an institution that’s served its time.” “That it may be, but still it ought to be treated a little more respectfully. Snetkov, now ... We may be of use, or we may not, but we’re the growth of a thousand years. If we’re laying out a garden, planning one before the house, you know, and there you’ve a tree that’s stood for centuries in the very spot... Old and gnarled it may be, and yet you don’t cut down the old fellow to make room for the flowerbeds, but lay out your beds so as to take advantage of the tree. You won’t grow him again in a year,” (...)

But, as he told her, the more he did nothing, the less time he had to do anything.

“If you look for perfection, you will never be satisfied. And it’s true, as papa says,—that when we were brought up there was one extreme—we were kept in the basement, while our parents lived in the best rooms; now it’s just the other way—the parents are in the wash-house, while the children are in the best rooms. Parents now are not expected to live at all, but to exist altogether for their children.” “Well, what if they like it better?”

(...) felt a great weariness from the fruitless strain on his attention.

Anna had come from behind the treillage to meet him, and Levin saw in the dim light of the study the very woman of the portrait, in a dark blue shot gown, not in the same position nor with the same expression, but with the same perfection of beauty which the artist had caught in the portrait. She was less dazzling in reality, but, on the other hand, there was something fresh and seductive in the living woman which was not in the portrait.

Anna talked not merely naturally and cleverly, but cleverly and carelessly, attaching no value to her own ideas and giving great weight to the ideas of the person she was talking to.

If you knew how I feel on the brink of calamity at this instant, how afraid I am of myself!”

There are no conditions to which a man cannot become used, especially if he sees that all around him are living in the same way.

Yet that grief and this joy were alike outside all the ordinary conditions of life; they were loopholes, as it were, in that ordinary life through which there came glimpses of something sublime. And in the contemplation of this sublime something the soul was exalted to inconceivable heights of which it had before had no conception, while reason lagged behind, unable to keep up with it.

But as he looked at her, he saw again that help was impossible, and he was filled with terror and prayed: “Lord, have mercy on us, and help us!” And as time went on, both these conditions became more intense; the calmer he became away from her, completely forgetting her, the more agonizing became both her sufferings and his feeling of helplessness before them. He jumped up, would have liked to run away, but ran to her. Sometimes, when again and again she called upon him, he blamed her; but seeing her patient, smiling face, and hearing the words, “I am worrying you,” he threw the blame on God; but thinking of God, at once he fell to beseeching God to forgive him and have mercy.

In order to carry through any undertaking in family life, there must necessarily be either complete division between the husband and wife, or loving agreement. When the relations of a couple are vacillating and neither one thing nor the other, no sort of enterprise can be undertaken.

She was jealous not of any particular woman but of the decrease of his love. Not having got an object for her jealousy, she was on the lookout for it. At the slightest hint she transferred her jealousy from one object to another.

This irritated Anna. She saw in this a contemptuous reference to her occupations. And she bethought her of a phrase to pay him back for the pain he had given her. “I don’t expect you to understand me, my feelings, as any one who loved me might, but simple delicacy I did expect,” she said.

For an instant she had a clear vision of what she was doing, and was horrified at how she had fallen away from her resolution. But even though she knew it was her own ruin, she could not restrain herself, could not keep herself from proving to him that he was wrong, could not give way to him.

“(...) What’s so awful is that one can’t tear up the past by its roots. One can’t tear it out, but one can hide one’s memory of it. And I’ll hide it.”

“He thought he knew me. Well, he knows me as well as any one in the world knows me. I don’t know myself.”

“We all want what is sweet and nice. If not sweetmeats, then a dirty ice.”

“Yes, of what Yashvin says, the struggle for existence and hatred is the one thing that holds men together. No, it’s a useless journey you’re making,” she said, mentally addressing a party in a coach and four, evidently going for an excursion into the country. “And the dog you’re taking with you will be no help to you. You can’t get away from yourselves.”

Then she thought that life might still be happy, and how miserably she loved and hated him, and how fearfully her heart was beating.

“Yes, I’m very much worried, and that’s what reason was given me for, to escape; so then one must escape: why not put out the light when there’s nothing more to look at, when it’s sickening to look at it all? But how?”

“There’s no one I should less dislike seeing than you,” said Vronsky. “Excuse me; and there’s nothing in life for me to like.”

And all at once a different pain, not an ache, but an inner trouble, that set his whole being in anguish, made him for an instant forget his toothache.

And he tried to think of her as she was when he met her the first time, at a railway-station too, mysterious, exquisite, loving, seeking and giving happiness, and not cruelly revengeful as he remembered her on that last moment. He tried to recall his best moments with her, but those moments were poisoned forever. He could only think of her as triumphant, successful in her menace of a wholly useless remorse never to be effaced. He lost all consciousness of toothache, and his face worked with sobs.

Levin felt suddenly like a man who has changed his warm fur cloak for a muslin garment, and going for the first time into the frost is immediately convinced, not by reason, but by his whole nature that he is as good as naked, and that he must infallibly perish miserably.

(...) something had happened that seemed extraordinary to him. He, an unbeliever, had fallen into praying, and at the moment he prayed, he believed. But that moment had passed, and he could not make his state of mind at that moment fit into the rest of his life. He could not admit that at that moment he knew the truth, and that now he was wrong; for as soon as he began thinking calmly about it, it all fell to pieces. He could not admit that he was mistaken then, for his spiritual condition then was precious to him, and to admit that it was a proof of weakness would have been to desecrate those moments. He was miserably divided against himself, and strained all his spiritual forces to the utmost to escape from this condition.

“Without knowing what I am and why I am here, life’s impossible; and that I can’t know, and so I can’t live,” Levin said to himself. “In infinite time, in infinite matter, in infinite space, is formed a bubble-organism, and that bubble lasts a while and bursts, and that bubble is Me.” It was an agonizing error, but it was the sole logical result of ages of human thought in that direction. This was the ultimate belief on which all the systems elaborated by human thought in almost all their ramifications rested. It was the prevalent conviction, and of all other explanations Levin had unconsciously, not knowing when or how, chosen it, as any way the clearest, and made it his own. But it was not merely a falsehood, it was the cruel jeer of some wicked power, some evil, hateful power, to whom one could not submit. He must escape from this power. And the means of escape every man had in his own hands. He had but to cut short this dependence on evil. And there was one means—death.

Whether he were acting rightly or wrongly he did not know, and far from trying to prove that he was, nowadays he avoided all thought or talk about it. Reasoning had brought him to doubt, and prevented him from seeing what he ought to do and what he ought not. When he did not think, but simply lived, he was continually aware of the presence of an infallible judge in his soul, determining which of two possible courses of action was the better and which was the worse, and as soon as he did not act rightly, he was at once aware of it. So he lived, not knowing and not seeing any chance of knowing what he was and what he was living for, and harassed at this lack of knowledge to such a point that he was afraid of suicide, and yet firmly laying down his own individual definite path in life.

“Then she recovered, but to-day or to-morrow or in ten years she won’t; they’ll bury her, and nothing will be left either of her or of that smart girl in the red jacket, who with that skilful, soft action shakes the ears out of their husks. They’ll bury her and this piebald horse, and very soon too,”

“Yes, all the newspapers do say the same thing,” said the prince. “That’s true. But so it is the same thing that all the frogs croak before a storm. One can hear nothing for them.”

“The people make sacrifices and are ready to make sacrifices for their soul, but not for murder,”

“Were you very much frightened?” she said. “So was I too, but I feel it more now that it’s over. (...)”

“What is it? you’re not worried about anything?” she said, looking intently at his face in the starlight. But she could not have seen his face if a flash of lightning had not hidden the stars and revealed it. In that flash she saw his face distinctly, and seeing him calm and happy, she smiled at him.

“No, I’d better not speak of it,” he thought, when she had gone in before him. “It is a secret for me alone, of vital importance for me, and not to be put into words. “This new feeling has not changed me, has not made me happy and enlightened all of a sudden, as I had dreamed, just like the feeling for my child. There was no surprise in this either. Faith—or not faith—I don’t know what it is—but this feeling has come just as imperceptibly through suffering, and has taken firm root in my soul. “I shall go on in the same way, losing my temper with Ivan the coachman, falling into angry discussions, expressing my opinions tactlessly; there will be still the same wall between the holy of holies of my soul and other people, even my wife; I shall still go on scolding her for my own terror, and being remorseful for it; I shall still be as unable to understand with my reason why I pray, and I shall still go on praying; but my life now, my whole life apart from anything that can happen to me, every minute of it is no more meaningless, as it was before, but it has the positive meaning of goodness, which I have the power to put into it.”

#Anna karenina #Leo tolstoy #classic fiction #fiction #quotes #literature

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thenamesseven · 4 years

Text

Warnings: A bit of swearing but surprisingly, nothing more!

Word count: 5.0k....Yuuup, long update!

A/N: Uuh so yeah, this is literal proof that I’m kind of a sucker for soft Chan xD

“Here”

Still with your eyes closed you frowned, the voice reaching your ears wasn’t Jeonghan’s anymore. It sounded more gentle, softer and definitely not threatening like his had been. Did you finally die? If not, who was here with you then?

“Oh God there is so much blood” Wait. Blood? You weren’t dead for sure then. Suddenly, the pain of somebody pressing down onto a recent wound shocked your body, stealing a scream from your throat. “Shit, shit, I’m sorry” The stranger apologized, pressing onto it softer and instead of using his own hands, he used some kind of cloth which definitely was better than before. “(Y/N)? (Y/N)?”

You were about to respond to him when everything turned black once again.

Hours later, Chan was starting to doze off on his armchair, he had placed you down onto his bed and covered your naked body with some bed sheets so nobody would disrespect your intimacy if one of his brothers decided to walk into his room without knocking first. The wound Jeonghan had made onto your neck had stopped bleeding, it would definitely leave a scar but it wouldn’t turn into something you wouldn’t be able to hide without make up. Your figure looked weak yet delicate laying there, totally defenseless if he wasn’t there watching you, Chan sighed to himself truly confused with his own feelings.

He knew, deep down, that this wasn't your fault. You weren’t the one who turned them into the monsters they turned thanks to the curse but some of his brothers were right when they said controlling their most animalistic instincts with you around was way too difficult, almost impossible. He could feel it, how the simple act of you laying there on his bed, would get onto his nerves if he stopped resisting. He needed to be careful, the moment he relaxed you could be in great danger.

“This is tiring” He muttered quietly, rubbing his own eyes. Vampires didn’t need to sleep as much as humans did but he definitely felt sleepy since he was bored out of his mind.

Boredom quickly slipped away when you stirred awake under his covers.

Truly disoriented, not even knowing if you were alive anymore, you opened your eyes and looked around the room. It looked similar to yours but the dark blue walls gave away that the room you were in didn’t belong to you. However, all visual exploring came to an end when your eyes landed on the young man sitting on the armchair across the room. Chan, wasn’t it? If you remember correctly he was the youngest one out of the thirteen brothers.

You attempted to sit up and move back onto the bed, willing to put as much space as you could from him but your plan failed when you realized you were totally naked under the covers. Your eyes went up to look at him and then back down to the blanket you so tightly kept pressed against your chest, hiding some of your decency.

Chan observed you quietly in awe, feeling the strongest deja vu ever. It was as if he had managed to travel back in time to that night.

After managing to escape out of the cabin without somebody noticing, Chan had made his way into her room, crawling through the slightly opened window. He appreciated it because it was kind of an easy way in but it also made him frown, it wouldn’t be safe for her to sleep like that, if he could make his way into the room then somebody else could do the same for sure.

Despite him willing to surprise her, Chan was the one who ended up being surprised when he saw her naked back uncovered by the bed sheets. Did she sleep naked? His cheeks heated up incredibly as he purposefully started to clear his throat and make some noise in order to wake her up. He was simply too shy to approach her if she was naked under those covers.

She, not expecting any visits that night, jumped startled from the bed as soon as she heard some noise, ready to attack whoever thought it would be a great idea to break into her room while she was sleeping but, as soon as her eyes landed on her boyfriend, her hands flew back onto the bed and grabbed a blanket to cover herself.

The situation wasn’t the same of course. Chan knew that happened hundreds of years ago and that you and her weren’t the same person but it was the way your cheeks turned red as soon as his eyes landed on your naked form, the way you had looked so young and innocent that had made Chan think he was back with his lover once again.

You had her youth, he could feel it and that was definitely making the curse be a little stronger.

“I mean no harm” He voiced out, breaking the silence between the two of you as he raised his hands up in surrender. “And Jeonghan is under control now, I apologize for that”

You didn’t know what to do at this point. Your head was spinning with confusion and fear because now, after what had happened with Jeonghan you didn’t know if it would be wise to take the risk with another brother. Chan didn’t look life threatening but you never knew what this guys hid under their sleeves.

Not even feeling brave enough to speak, you simply shrugged at his words not breaking the eye contact so he would know you were listening to him.

“Uhm” Chan was visibly uncomfortable by your choice of silent treatment. He understood you were probably fed up with all of them but he would seriously have some struggles to deal with this situation if you wouldn’t even speak to him. “I also took care of the wound on your neck, you lost a lot of blood so” Standing up, he saw you tensing a little by the corner of his eyes, probably getting ready to try to leave if he decided to attack you “Jihoon prepared some food after hearing what happened, Seungkwan gave me some clean clothes you would probably like to use”

“Jihoon and Seungkwan?” Your voice slipped past your lips before you could stop it, Chan couldn’t help but smile a little when he heard the surprise in your tone.

“I know, I was as surprised as you when they came to help” He muttered, picking up the tray that held a plate of soup, some bread and a cup of water “But I guess their conscience is eating them alive and they somehow want to make amends with you without facing the real problem”

“Good luck with that” You scoffed, eyeing suspiciously the tray he placed at the end of the bed before coming back to his armchair.

“That’s what I said” Chan replied shrugging, looking at you from his spot.

You kind of appreciated the fact that he was keeping his distance in order to not make you feel uncomfortable, Minghao had also done the same when the two of you spent some time together and luckily Chan seemed to have learnt a couple of useful things from his older brother.

“So Chan, huh?” You asked, reaching out to get the glass of water and have a sip. He nodded at the sound of his name “What’s it going to be now? Burn me to death? Choke me? Obviously after biting me, that seems to be a trend here that I wasn’t informed of”

“I’m not here to kill you” Chan sighed, he saw it in your eyes how you’ve listened to the same words before finding out it was a mere lie, words without a real meaning “I’ll try not to kill you” He added. Now his choice of words only made your curiosity stronger.

“Try?” You asked arching one of your eyebrows, genuinely confused as to why he would say that. Just what had you done to him that he would dislike you enough to kill you?

“It’s the curse thing, I irrationally have this need to kill you even when you’ve done nothing bad to me” Chan explained, believing somebody else had took the time and went through the trouble of explaining everything from the very beginning to you. “I can control myself though, it is hard and tiring but I won’t lose control like others”

“Dude what?”

Chan and you looked into each other’s eyes for some brief seconds, realization dawning onto him that none of his brothers, at least the ones you’ve met so far, had explain everything to you. His body tensed up a little and eye contact was quickly broken as he started fidgeting with his hoodie.

“Uh, I think you should eat before it gets cold” He said, changing the subject before you could ask any more questions about it “You should also put on some clothes” Chan stood up and turned around, giving you the privacy you needed to change.

After that it was just silence, not the awkward one that made everybody feel uncomfortable but that comfortable silence that relaxed your nerves and allowed you to enjoy a warm plate of soup. Jihoon turned out to be a surprisingly good cook, or at least, he was good at cooking soup.

Apart from murdering people. Duh.

The silence might not have been uncomfortable for you but when two hours passed and the only thing you’ve done was sit there and look down at your hands as they fidgeted with the bed sheets, Chan started getting slightly nervous. He wasn’t a huge fan of silent interactions and the situation was slowly creeping onto his nerves.

“Want to get some fresh air? The garden looks kind of nice at this time”

You looked at him surprised by the sudden offert, torn between believing he would truly take you to the garden or not knowing if he simply wanted to mess around with you. After all, this could be one of his tricks to take you to God knows where so he could torture you and finally end your life.

At this point, it wouldn’t be a surprise if Chan turned out to be the most aggressive of them all.

“I mean, you can stay in the room if you don’t feel like it” Chan muttered softly, seeing you really were struggling to believe him “I wouldn’t recommend wandering around alone though since Jeonghan is still trying to…” He cleared his throat, moving his eyes away from yours for some brief seconds “He is still trying to relax” Looking back at you, he stood up from his chair once again “But I thought you might want to get some fresh air, I’m sure you didn’t have the chance to get some after all this….Happened”

You didn’t want to take the risk of Jeonghan getting out of control and finding you in this room all by yourself, you didn’t even know if Chan would be strong enough to protect you if he came back or if he would even try to protect you if that happened but being little genuine you, you decided to give the poor guy a break and give him a chance.

“I did hung out with Minghao at the garden before” You muttered standing up from the bed, seeing the way the corners of his lips tilted up a little when you agreed to go with him.

“But it looks way better at night, come on, I’ll show you”

Chan was acting on pure instinct right in that moment and he had reached a point where it was too hard to distinguish the past from the present. You obviously weren’t the girl he fell in love with and this wasn’t the most ideal situation for stupidly cute dates but when Chan spotted you in the corridor with Minghao that day, the butterflies he once felt when he was still human came back taming any negative feelings the curse might make him feel. That’s when he knew Minghao was right, hatred could be defeated even if it was only for the little time he would spend besides you before one of the other brothers snatched you away but even when that happens, he would still linger around to make sure you’re okay.

You were precious.

Someone who could make him feel human again.

Someone to cherish.

Unconsciously, he reached out and grabbed your hand gently, pulling it softly to guide you all the way back to the hall. You don’t know why but, despite you not wanting to be touched by them anymore, you found yourself unable to move your hand away from his. Maybe it was the way his smile didn’t seem to leave his lips since you had agreed to go on this little adventure with him, maybe it was because Chan looked innocent and not someone who had bad intentions...Whatever it was, it definitely worked on you and you could only watch his back as he guided you out of his room.

You were about to say something when he turned around and as his cute giggle reached your ears, you watched how he placed one of his fingers onto his closed lips in order to silently tell you to keep quiet.

“I could get in big trouble if they found out I took you outside” He whispered with a small smile, seeing your confused expression “You know, since you want to escape and all that” He added chuckling.

Surprisingly, you smiled too. Chan’s happiness was contagious and that was a huge problem for you, how could you keep yourself all mad and serious when your company was so...Cute and young? Could vampires be cute? You didn’t know Chan’s exact age but by the way he was behaving you could guess he was around those teenage years in which we all think we’re extremely cool and mighty, those years when we all do stuff behind our parents back and sneak to places where we shouldn’t be. This guy had that giddiness, that innocent adrenaline that despite your horrible situation, was managing to steal smile after smile from your lips.

“How do you know I won’t escape?” You asked as quietly as you could when he started guiding you down the hall still with your hand in his.

Chan stopped walking for a second and your smile couldn’t help but get bigger when you realized he hadn’t thought about it. He stood there silently before he turned around to face you “I decided to trust you since you decided to trust me”

“Fair enough”

“Besides, the guys would kill me if I let you escape” Chan said with a sarcastic scoff “And you’ve seen how aggressive some of the can be”

Not only you’ve seen it but you’ve also experienced it which was way worse but you decided to keep your words to yourself since he kept pulling your hand around, taking different turns here and there in order to avoid any possible encounter with one of his brothers. Honestly, you were kind of amazed by how big the house seemed to be and unfortunately, you’ve not encountered any door that could lead outside, Chan was probably avoiding it, sure he was being all nice and sweet but he wasn’t stupid and he probably didn’t want to get in trouble.

“Then-”

Unexpectedly, Chan pulled your hand back so strong that you thought you would hit the wall again but with his supernatural speed he positioned himself between the wall and you to trap you in his arms. You lowkey started panicking, already trying to wiggle your way out of his hold but Chan raised his head to look into your eyes seriously, shaking his head. For some reason, you obeyed him, standing still in his arms before new voices got closer.

“Thanks god Jeonghan didn’t do it, the poor girl doesn’t deserve this” Somebody said, steps getting closer to Chan and you.

“Well you know how things are Joshua, we all have struggles” Another voice joined in, Chan pressed you harder against him in order to hide you.

“I can’t wait to meet her myself though!”

“Let’s just hope you don’t overwhelm her with your excitement Soonyoung”

You stopped focusing on the conversation when your eyes landed on Chan’s again. He wasn’t listening to his brothers, he had gotten lost in your eyes the moment he pressed your soft and delicate body against his and felt your heart beating. The young vampire’s breathing faltered when your heart sped up, you didn’t look terrified in his arms so he was guessing you were feeling the same pull as he did.

“I’m so glad you’re alive…” He whispered, hand unconsciously reaching out to brush some strands of your hair away from your face “God, I missed this so much”

There was no point in trying to distinguish what happened in the past from what was happening right now, you weren’t the same girl but you were obviously his second chance at love and that made him feel so….Furious. As soon as Chan was starting to realize his feelings the curse kicked in and what felt like butterflies and fluffiness felt now as cold as painful as it could, it could get dreadful, it could get so awful that he would get the need to kill you in order to stop it.

Chan moved away from you as if you had burnt him. You found yourself frowning, almost willing to reach out to him to bring him back, his presence had felt so warm and comforting for a second that you didn’t want it to end. Little did you know that he had moved away for your own good, Chan was fighting the inevitable, he really did want to show everybody they would be able to have you around without killing you.

“Let’s go” He said, sounding strained, hoarse “The garden is over there”

If he would have looked at you, the sight of red eyes and pointy fangs would have met you but Chan kept his back to you the rest of the way to the garden. He had gotten awfully quiet, the giggly guy that had sneaked his way out of the house with you was nowhere to be found, you wanted to ask if he was okay, if you had done something that had offended him but you didn’t want to overstep.

He seemed to want some space and that’s what you would give him.

You were quickly distracted with the view of theplace at night,it was exactly as Minghao and you left it and fortunately there was nobody else outside so Chan and you could be there without having to worry about anything. Since Chan didn’t seem to be too interested in interacting with you anymore, you took your time to check your surroundings, breathing in the so welcome fresh air the night brought to you.

Flowers surrounded you, some of there were closed since the sun wasn’t up anymore but some of them had beautifully bloomed as soon as the moon made her appearance. The scent of each flower had mixed into this floral soft perfume that got just a little stronger whenever the soft breeze blew, the only light source you two had outside were the moon and the stars, nothing else and it honestly made everything so perfect, so ethereal that you thought you were dreaming about this for a moment. Chan was definitely right, the garden at night had nothing to do with the garden you saw with Minghao when the sun was still up.

Willing to enjoy this moment, you sat down on the grass, shivering softly when your hands touched the cold herb which also was slightly wet since the air was a bit humid but that was no problem at all, you’ve spent so much time locked in that house, running from one room to another, that the least of your problems was catching a cold.

“Will my blood taste different if I get sick?”

Your question caught Chan totally off guard, he had been staring at some Moonflowers, calming himself down so he could get closer to you once again. He quickly guessed what you were thinking about and the smile you had been weirdly missing all this time, came back up to his lips as he took one of the flowers and handed it to you.

“Nope, you’ll still smell and taste as delicious as you do right now” He replied honestly, there was no way in wording this differently. You were stunning and smelled delicious, Chan could slightly understand why Jeonghan could have lost his mind as soon as he tasted your blood.

“Thanks, I guess?” You said a bit unsure of how to react to that

“Are you cold though?” He was taking his jacket off before you could say no and Chan placed it on your shoulders before you could complain about it “I don’t get cold, I just wear this because you know...The outfit” He admitted feeling kind of shy, taking a seat besides you.

You smiled at his shyness before replying to his question “I just have this small headache, it probably is because I didn’t get too much rest since I got here”

“If it gets worse just ask one of us, we’ll give you some blood” Chan realized what he said before he shook his own head, looking down at his own hands “You probably don’t want that, it’s just what we’re used to”

“Yeah I’ll decline it for now but thanks though” You said politely, not willing to be rude with him. After all Chan was one of the most decent people you’ve encountered here.

The two of you stayed silent but this time Chan didn’t feel uncomfortable anymore. He found your presence comforting, warm...You were giving him something his brothers could never give him by only sitting besides him and he truly appreciated that. His eyes curiously followed your figure as you laid down onto the grass, eyes glued to the sky even when you felt his eyes on you the whole time, you were guessing he didn’t know it was making you slightly shy since he probably didn’t have the chance to have many vampire-human interactions.

“Did you want to kill me before?” You asked removing your eyes from the stars to watch him.

Chan looked visibly guilty at your question, you knew the answer before he spoke “Yes” He voiced out quietly, afraid it would make you run away.

“But you didn’t” You thought out loud

“Why would I do it?” He asked laying on his side, head kept up by his hand so he could keep looking down at you. The proximity was making your heart beat faster, Chand could hear it and if he would have still been alive, his heart would have been beating as fast as yours. Or even faster.

“I don’t know, ask your brothers” You shrugged feeling slightly frustrated and depressed, nobody seemed to really get what you were going through and it was all becoming really tiring.

“They really didn’t mean to do that, trust me when I say this” He reached down and grabbed one of your hands “Nobody in their right mind would want to hurt you” Maybe it was the soft tone in his voice or because he was looking at you as if you were the best thing that had ever happened to him but tears started filling your eyes, inevitably rolling down your cheeks.

“I guess most of the people in this house are crazy” You replied shrugging, looking away from him.

Chan reached out gently and turned your head again so you would be making eye contact with him “We are crazy but it’s all because of you (Y/N)” His thumb brushed your cheek, getting rid of some salty tears that were making their way down to your neck. “Who wouldn’t lose their head over someone so beautiful?” He asked, hearing how your heart skipped a beat “So precious?” Chan’s thumb moved again but this time he brushed it over your lips, making your breath become a little shaky “So youthful (Y/N)...”

You were totally speechless at this point, you could feel yourself being more and more hypnotized by Chan’s low tone and gentle touch, you’ve been craving non aggressive interaction so much that you could never push him away from you.

“Stop me if you don’t want this” His forehead was against yours, his breath fanning your lips as you looked into each other’s eyes. “God I’m so lucky to have you here right now...You don’t realize it” He whispered again, taking your silence as permission.

Chan leaned closer to you, pressing a soft kiss against your lips. Your heart could literally explode at this point, you could feel it pounding against your ribcage while he kept himself as close to you as he could without making you feel uncomfortable. When you didn’t push him away, Chan moved his lips against yours once again and you, surprisingly, found yourself returning the kiss.

Oh, he’s never been happier.

Tempting his luck, Chan tilted his head in order to deepen the kiss and he’s dead heart fluttered when you sweetly returned the kiss once again.

But all good things come to an end and right when you were about to wrap your arms around him, Chan felt the pang of pain in his chest. He froze in his spot, eyes closing tightly as he groaned in pain.

“Chan?” You asked, instantly moving your hands away from him, thinking you had hurt him somehow “Are you okay? What’s wrong?” You asked looking at him concerned

“We can’t...I need to stop” He was physically in pain from resisting the urge to choke you underneath him or to suck you dry until there wasn’t any blood left for your heart to pump. Chan wanted to show everyone else he could fight it, they needed to fight it.

“I-It’s fine, I….Is there anything I can do for you?” You asked worried, watching how his eyes had turned red when he attempted to blink.

“Fuck this hurts” Chan whispered, he seemed to be in so much pain that it hurt you, he was going through this because of you and for a second, you started to blame yourself for everything. What if they were right? What if the reason of their behaviour was truly you?

“Bite me”

He gasped, throat closing in a mix of surprise and need. Chan wanted to bite you, god he had been willing to sunk his fangs into you as soon as he saw you but he wasn’t sure if he would truly be able to control himself once your blood touched his tongue.

“I can’t” He denied, nose buried in your neck.

“Chan bite me” You said again, hands on his back to caress his tense muscles “It’ll be okay, I trust you”

Chan didn’t need anymore words.

After leaving a gentle kiss on your neck, he tried to bite you as softly as he could to avoid as much pain as possible. The feeling still sting and the sound of your skin breaking under his fangs still made you kind of dizzy but he was being gentle and you couldn’t help but appreciate that.

With your eyes closed, you heard him groan in satisfaction as soon as your blood started coming out of your body to his mouth, his body instantly relaxing in your arms. You started praying to whatever God was up there that he would stop, that he wouldn’t break your trust like most of the brothers had done so far.

And God himself must had heard you, because as soon as Chan felt the pain vanish he pulled away from you.

He was breathless, the need to keep sucking was still there in the back of his mind because everyone was right, you were delicious, a masterpiece and that’s why he had to be extra careful. The need to protect you and care for you came back stronger than ever though and Chan found himself licking the wound to heal it and leaving soft caring kisses on your neck to show you some appreciation.

“Thank you” He whispered, body flat on yours, lowkey crushing you under his weight “That was...That meant a lot to me”

“Are you feeling better?” You didn’t know where all this irrational worry was coming from but your heart ache at the thought of seeing Chan in so much pain again.

“So selfless” He whispered leaning back enough to look into your eyes “So God damn beautiful” Chan couldn’t help but smile when he saw a faint blush forming on your cheeks, he had managed to make his way into your heart and he couldn’t be more proud of himself at the moment “Are you alright? You look a bit pale” He asked caressing your cheek.

“Just a little dizzy” You admitted with a small smile, in fact, you were incredibly dizzy and weak, probably because of how much blood you’ve lost so far but you couldn’t just worry him more.

“Let’s take care of you” He muttered standing up and picking you up in his arms, keeping your body close to his chest “Let’s get some food for you and take you to my bed, I’ll make sure you get the rest you need”

And after leaving the softest, most gentle kiss on your forehead Chan walked back into the mansion with you in his arms.

But something had changed tonight. You could feel it.

Changes were coming your way.

Really big changes.

137 notes · View notes

beca-mitchell · 4 years

Text

fool’s gold (1/1)

Summary: Beca finds herself in Colorado bidding on a date with one Chloe Beale. Accidentally, of course. Besides, it’s for charity. Set after PP3.

Word count: 4,216

Rating: T

Read below or on AO3.

Beca finds out about it accidentally. A total accident wherein she did not intend to find out this information. She had been perusing the Bellas groupchat, a chat which she had been slightly too busy to participate in recently, when something caught her eye.

Chloe’s name plus the word “date”. It had taken a few tries and a few shaky swipes of her finger before she figures out that Chloe is participating in some charity event.

Beca hesitates at first, about to type out a message to Chloe right in the groupchat, but she quickly switches over to her private conversation with Chloe and winces when she realizes that her and Chloe haven’t really kept up an ongoing text conversation (and hardly any phone calls) over the past few months.

Beca sighs, flipping back to the groupchat and hoping against hope that somebody else—probably Aubrey or Flo—will ask Chloe about it.

Flo F. What kind of charity is it?

Chloe Every year, the senior vet students run some kind of fundraiser. This year it's for research. In the past, this auction thing has been a huge hit!!

Fat Amy So you’re selling your body? Nothing wrong with that of course.

Chloe No, I’m just…auctioning off a date.

Beca puts her phone down slowly.

Had three and a half years really flown by that quickly? Chloe was almost done with veterinary school and Beca felt like she was still struggling to stay afloat herself.

Well, that was a little untrue. Six Billboard Top 100 hits, a Grammy nomination, a North American tour with an international tour on its way, her first album had gone platinum with the second hot on its heels—

It’s just that Chloe Beale had always seemed so wholly unattainable even with everything that had transpired between them. And Beca wasn’t completely stupid, she knew some of this was her own fault, but life just came at her too fucking fast.

(This being the whole ‘we definitely have feelings for each other but we are also definitely not doing anything about it because one of us is in Colorado and the other is in California sometimes but not always’ thing. God, that always knocked the wind out of Beca. In any case, it had been one weekend of Chloe visiting Los Angeles and a drunken kiss that led to a little more, but nothing really, then an unspoken decision to never speak about it again.

Yeah. This.)

— — — — —

It takes Beca another two hours to finally message Chloe and she almost has a heart attack when she pulls up their conversation.

Chloe’s last sweet dreams! xo stares back at her accusingly.

Beca So, a date huh?

She groans.

Yes, obviously a date. Aubrey already asked for more details an hour ago and the groupchat had long moved on.

Chloe’s reply is nearly instantaneous.

Chloe ??

Beca The whole auction thing you know for charity

Chloe oh haha, yeah. It’ll be nothing. Just some rich student with too much to spend. I don’t have my hopes up or anything.

But if Chloe could have her hopes for somebody in particular…Beca’s fingers tap anxiously on the edge of her table as she stares back at Chloe’s innocent-enough message.

Beca oh, well fingers crossed lol

Chloe yeah.

Beca winces at the one-word response, telling herself not to read too much into it—it doesn’t mean anything, they’re fine, they’re fine, they’re fine—

Chloe I miss you

She sighs in relief.

Beca miss you too chlo

— — — — —

“You didn’t ask her out yet?” is Theo’s confused inquiry. “Wait, you weren’t dating already?”

“Just—just look up flights to Colorado.”

“I’m not your assistant, just in case you forgot.”

“I know, but Jeff’s on the fritz today and I don’t need another snide remark from him.”

“Snide remark? About what?”

“…about Chloe.”

“Ah.”

— — — — —

Beca isn’t sure how she ends up here, but she ends up doing some casual research about this supposed senior tradition at CSU’s veterinary college and it ends up being more of a thing than Beca originally expects. Like a super serious thing where people buy tickets to attend.

All proceeds go to the National Animal Disease Center and the Animal Welfare Institute. Tickets at the door will be $55.

Beca stares at the long list of details and scrolls for an embarrassing amount of time until she finds a list of “Auction Participants”. She exhales noisily through her nose when she finds Chloe’s name, surprised to see separate profiles attached to all the students participating.

Chloe Beale, Rising 4th Year Veterinary Student, DVM Candidate

Chloe enjoys singing and morning runs. She will probably fight you over whether the CSU Rams could hold up against the Barden University Knights. In her spare time, she enjoys volunteering at Larimer Humane Society as well as the CSU Zoo. You might have seen her running a few weekend educational programs for children 10 and under.

PS. She’s single!

Beca isn’t sure what grates on her more, the fact that the description doesn’t say anything about how Chloe hums her favorite songs when she gets nervous, or how Chloe’s hair grows at least a shade and a half lighter during the summer, or—or how Chloe can talk at length about nearly anything if she thinks it’s something that another person will find interesting. She is selfless and beautiful inside and out.

And that last line. Beca’s fist clenches. She isn’t sure why it annoys her so much, but she hates the idea of this auction gimmick even if she knows instinctively that it is all in good fun and Chloe genuinely wouldn’t have consented to it if she didn’t believe in it or trust everybody who would be participating. Still, maybe Beca doesn’t want Chloe to…be single.

Her brow furrows at that last tapered-off thought.

To distract herself, she taps Theo’s number into her phone and waits with bated breath.

“Hello?”

“Did you book the ticket yet?” she asks in lieu of greeting.

She’ll let his amused chuckle slide this once.

— — — — —

So maybe it isn’t really an accident.

She’s in Fort Collins, Colorado, on a beautiful but pretty damn chilly campus. Beca pulls her windbreaker tighter around herself and tugs her scarf up over her mouth and nose. She hasn’t been recognized yet, but she has a suspicion that there have been two young ladies following her, but she can’t be certain.

Though her fame is manageable, it still flares up unexpectedly and at inopportune times.

Like the last time she had visited Chloe on campus and they had spent the weekend eating at Chloe’s favorite spots and drinking cheap wine until they were laughing and leaning heavily against each other. Beca had loved the scent of Chloe’s shampoo as it wafted up from where Chloe had her head pressed against Beca’s shoulder and neck, her giggles tapering off into nothing. Back then, they hadn’t kissed yet—Beca was still recovering from the sting of seeing Chloe kiss Chicago even though it had happened months prior, but nothing had ever transpired.

And for a moment, when Chloe lifted her head off Beca’s shoulder, Beca had thought Chloe was going to kiss her. And she wouldn’t have minded, not at all. It had been something she had been thinking about for so long that Beca’s heart began to pound in anticipation. Then Chloe’s roommate had let herself into the apartment despite Chloe’s insistence they were going to be alone and she had recognized Beca surprisingly quick considering Beca had only one or two viral music videos released at the time. Beca hadn’t been sure, but Chloe had looked supremely disappointed.

Focusing back on the present, Beca gazes at the familiar, yet unfamiliar campus. She had made sure earlier that there hadn’t been a completely strict dress code for the event and opts for a loose wool sweater and nice jeans (a memory of Chloe’s fleeting “those jeans make your ass look good” passes through her mind, but she pays it no mind). She buys a lanyard with the CSU name and mascot emblazoned on it. Just to add to the look.

She finds the student center soon enough. Happy to be out of the chill for a moment, Beca pulls her scarf down but leaves her toque on, keeping it tight over her eyebrows.

“Hey,” a voice calls instantly and Beca jumps because for a moment, it sounds like Chloe. But that would be impossible, she’s barely been there five seconds— “I know you, you’re Chloe’s friend, right?”

Beca turns to see young man, around her age, smiling in a completely nonthreatening manner. She vaguely recognizes him from some of Chloe’s social media posts, but she can’t quite place his name. “Hi,” she says instead.

“Did Chloe invite you to this?” he asks, sounding entirely too amused for Beca’s liking.

“Uh…” Beca isn’t sure what the better answer would be—yes, Chloe invited poor hapless Beca Mitchell to watch her get auctioned off and alternatively the implication that Chloe would need some pull from somebody like Beca which is dumb because despite the crappy dating profile on the website, Chloe needs no help at all; or no, Beca invited herself because she’s there on a mission. “Hm,” she says evasively instead. “Sorry, what was your name again?”

“Benjamin, but you can call me—”

Beca smiles. “Ben,” she finishes. It’s cute how much he reminds her of Benji. “Chloe posts about you a lot.”

“Yeah, we kind of…” he laughs, pushing up his glasses. “Bonded, I guess. She’s been a good friend. Helped set me up with my boyfriend.” He nods his head towards the door. “Want to come sit with us? We’re mainly here for the show and the food. Do you have your ticket?”

Beca blushes but tamps it down as best as she can. “Uh no, I was gonna buy at the door.”

He grins again, but says nothing about that. “Okay, we’ll see you inside. We’re kind of near the back. Turn left when you get in.”

— — — — —

The emcee is fairly decent and Beca cracks a laugh at a few jokes. She has a pretty good view of the stage and she feels comfortable enough sitting near Chloe’s friends. They seem to take a shine to her and teasingly press an auction paddle into her hands.

“For an emergency,” Ben says, mirth in his eyes. And something akin to knowing, as if he knows something Beca doesn’t. She tries to scowl at him, but she misses that opportunity because Chloe is being walked on stage looking like—

“Oh,” Beca murmurs, blushing when she can feel eyes on her. There is no way Chloe can see her in the crowd because she’s sure the spotlight is bright enough based on Chloe’s squint and embarrassed smile. But otherwise, Chloe looks stunning, wearing a pretty blue sundress and white doctor’s coat. Beca blinks back the unexpected surge of emotion—not quite tears, but her eyes do sting a little—that she gets upon seeing Chloe in person for the first time in at least a year.

God, she had gone a whole year without seeing Chloe’s face—without having Chloe’s hands to hold and Chloe’s arms around her.

She never wants to do that again. She never wants to be apart from Chloe for that long, too afraid of her own feelings to push for something she knows Chloe wants as well. She had seen it in Chloe’s eyes over the past decade and more of knowing her. Chloe, her best friend and confidante—the person who most got on her nerves but also knew how to put her back together in more ways than one—

“We’ll start the bidding at fifty dollars! Ten-dollar interval minimum, please and thank you.”

There’s some cheering and laughter in the crowd from a group near the front. Chloe blushes again under the spotlight, but she flips off the group whom Beca assumes consists of people Chloe knows well enough.

“That’s kind of low,” Beca comments.

“You should bid,” Vlad, Ben’s boyfriend, suggests.

“No, I’m just here for support,” Beca replies distractedly as another person bids up to $100. Beca’s fingers tighten momentarily around the paddle before she relaxes and wills herself to scan the crowd as nonchalantly as possible. But before she can really settle down—

“Two hundred!”

It’s arguably the biggest jump Beca has heard over the last few auctions and the murmur that rushes through the crowd indicates that they think it’s something worthwhile as well.

Beca tries not to think about how she made two-hundred dollars in the first minute—probably less—of releasing her second single on Spotify.

“Two-fifty,” a female voice calls out, distinctly confident and self-assured. Beca notes that the blush on Chloe’s face is a little different now, this time a little shy and demure like she knows that person and is touched by the gesture.

“Who is that?” Beca asks quickly.

“Oh, I think that was Amelia,” Vlad says when he notices that his boyfriend is not responding. “She’s in Chloe’s cohort.”

But who is she, Beca wants to demand further.

“Two-seventy,” the same male voice from earlier counters, though with a tinge of hesitation.

“Three hundred,” ‘Amelia’ counters.

A pause. “Three-twenty.”

“Four-fifty.” Without hesitation. An excited murmur ripples through the crowd. Chloe’s hands are now covering her face, but Beca sees that she’s smiling ever so slightly.

“She likes her,” Ben says simply.

“Who likes who.” Beca considers this a very important distinction.

“Amelia likes Chloe.”

“And does Chloe like Amelia?”

“They’re friends.” He stares at Beca pointedly. “Like you guys are friends, right? So what’s a little competition.”

“But Chloe and I are—we’re—”

Beca finds she has no real justification, no real insight to offer because she and Chloe have been teetering on that edge of almost for so long that she has forgotten what it meant when competition came along.

Until Chicago.

And before that, for Chloe, Jesse, but Beca had been nearly completely blind to it.

And now this.

Beca’s hand is rising before she can stop herself. Her brain seems to shut down completely—the rational part at least—as her heart grabs the reins. It’s stupid, it’s archaic, but this is for Chloe (almost literally, but Beca will never succumb to the belief that this is any valid way to date somebody). “Seven hundred,” she calls out. Her eyes widen when heads swivel to her and she quickly ducks, pulling her scarf back up to her nose and mouth. She waves her paddle above her head, too embarrassed to see whether Chloe’s eyes are scanning the crowd for her.

“Holy shit,” Ben mutters.

“Eight hundred,” Amelia counters somewhere in the distance, but suddenly Beca’s ears are roaring with the oddest sound—like a chorus of fucking angels or something.

“Oh my God, the animals are lucky today,” somebody mutters somewhere to Beca’s left.

“A thousand,” Beca counters.

“Um—” Ben seems to think better of it and clamps his mouth shut, though he looks like he might laugh, or worse, smile at Beca. God.

“A thousa—”

Beca’s had it. “Two thousand!”

The shocked silence that follows is enough to tell Beca that she’s completely lost it.

(But she lost it long ago—somewhere between agreeing to join an all-female acapella group when she was eighteen because of that girl with blue eyes and a killer voice and that chaotic year that followed, somehow ending with her kissing the wrong person at the end of it all. No more of that.)

“Um,” the auctioneer has apparently lost all capabilities of auctioneering. “I…guess…? Sold to—” He peers over the crowd. “You?” he asks again, still unsure. “For two thousand dollars.”

Beca quickly presses the paddle into Ben’s hands and sinks lower in her seat, distinctly avoiding all eye contact. Those closest to her finally seem to catch on and she catches the faintest hint of whispers.

“Is that…?”

“No fucking way.”

“God, I knew Beale was lying when she said they weren’t hooking up.”

Beca tries not to think about any of that, suddenly very interested in the patterns on the carpeted floor.

— — — — —

Beca i did something really stupid

Aubrey Yes, the auction was livestreamed. Chloe sent me a link.

Beca holy fuck could you see me???

Aubrey No, but thank you for confirming. Two thousand dollars, Beca Mitchell.

Beca is about to type something incredibly cheesy in response to the mild snark in Aubrey’s text, but she is distracted by Ben’s shadow appearing over her.

“Hey, so uh, you have to actually meet Chloe backstage. To set up the details and stuff. And they’re going to need a check or some other form of payment? For that two thousand dollars you just dropped?”

“Do they accept Amex,” Beca deadpans.

“Yes, I believe so. So now that that’s covered, shall we?” He holds out an arm for Beca.

Beca sighs and clicks off her phone, decidedly ignoring the very long paragraph of text Aubrey just sent to her (she caught words like “my best friend” and “hurt her” and “bear trap” so she figures that’s something she can laugh or cry over when she is inevitably sent back on a plane to Los Angeles).

“Does she know it’s me?” Beca finally asks.

“I honestly don’t know. You’re kind of short and I don’t think she could actually see you.”

“Oh, that’s good,” Beca says, feeling lightheaded.

“It’s going to be fine.”

“Yeah, of course, why wouldn’t it be? We’re friends. We’ve done stupid shit before. She stayed back three years to just be part of an acapella group.” And to be with you, an annoying voice sounds in her head.

Oh, that was actually Ben. Who sounded eerily like Aubrey in that moment. Beca steps away from him.

He stares at her pointedly, pointing at the door.

Fuck, Beca thinks.

It is a simple study room and when Beca opens it, she isn’t expecting the space to be so small and so brightly lit. She winces immediately and nearly steps back out, but Chloe’s gasp is enough to keep her rooted to the spot.

“Beca,” Chloe squeaks. “What the fu—what are you doing here?”

“Hi,” Beca says, waving. Chloe continues to gape at her. “Hi?” Beca tries again.

Before she realizes what’s happening, Chloe is flying towards her and wrapping her arms so tightly around Beca that all the air rushes out of her in one fell swoop. She has enough sense to grip tightly at the back of Chloe’s coat, her fingers scrabbling on the thick, coarse fabric until they settle easily into each other like no time had passed before.

Beca sighs—literally sighs—like a disgusting teenager in love and she kind of thinks Chloe does the same before Chloe is pulling back and punching her in the arm oncee she’s at arm’s length.

“Ow! What the hell?”

“You seriously paid two thousand dollars?”

Oh right, that happened and was still happening.

“It was an accident,” Beca says instinctively and defensively.

“You raised the price by a thousand dollars accidentally,” Chloe clarifies.

“Don’t—don’t call it a price, like you’re…” Beca gestures uncomfortably. “Like you’re on sale or something. And I totally believe it’s your right to do what you want with your body and stuff because you should be allowed to have all that agency and—”

“Wow, Beca slow down.” Chloe grins affectionately. “Nobody’s doing anything with my body, not without my permission anyway. These things usually just end in a quick dinner or like. Laser tag or something. It’s never that serious.”

“I knew that,” Beca says quickly, trying to ignore her own blush at Chloe’s choice of words. “I just…I wanted to be…I wanted to,” she takes a steadying breath, “go on a date with you. And be your girlfriend. And do couple-y things. Because we’d be dating…as girlfriends.”

“You did?” Chloe asks quietly and so delicately that Beca’s breath catches. She tries to maintain eye contact as best as she can.

The air around them feels so heavy. “So much.”

“So you…” Chloe’s brow furrows. “Came to Colorado and paid two thousand dollars to go on a date with me? And I’m assuming you flew…so even more than two thousand dollars.”

“I…it sounds weird. I know. I’m weird. I just—” Beca heaves a breath. “I panicked, okay? I had this crazy vision of you ending up with somebody…with somebody else. That wasn’t me. And that sounds crazy jealous and crazy possessive and I have no right, but I’ve been thinking about you so much and I don’t know that I’ve ever really stopped thinking about you since that first day at the activities fair that entire fucking lifetime ago.” Beca feels winded suddenly and quickly looks up at Chloe with desperation. “I should have just…” she trails off, unsure.

She should have never let Chloe slip away the first time. Then the second time when she had the chance. When Chloe met her in the middle so many times before.

“Beca,” Chloe whispers, pulling her out of her swirling thoughts. “It’s…” She struggles to think of a word for a moment. “It’s okay. I’m not mad, I promise. It’s just…a lot.”

“I’m just so sorry because it seems like I’m always like…just one step off from you. And I just want to be on the same page. I want to be what you deserve.”

“Me too,” Chloe replies, reaching forward to take Beca’s hand. She doesn’t hold Beca’s hand however, opting instead to gently grip her wrist, her thumb beginning to trace soothing circles along her wristbone. “I want to be what you deserve too.”

Beca swallows the immediate protest. She lets it die in her throat because she knows Chloe is right—that they have so much to work on. But they can do it together.

“Things have been weird between us, haven’t they?” Beca asks quietly. She fixes her gaze on the “Since you came to visit me. And we…” she swallows. “We kissed.”

“We did,” Chloe murmurs.

“And have things been weird?” Beca presses.

“A little,” Chloe admits after a pause. “But things have always been a little weird between us.” A small smile slips across her lips as she uses her free hand to tilt Beca’s chin up so their gazes meet once more. “But I’ve liked that.”

“You have?”

Chloe shrugs. “Kind of.”

“We…we don’t have to go on this date, you know?” Beca clarifies, eyes flicking between Chloe’s eyes and her lips frantically. Chloe draws closer. “We…” Beca’s voice cracks. “Don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

“What do you want to do?” Chloe asks, her finger still tracing the underside of Beca’s jaw and the side of her neck.

Beca’s eyes flutter shut. “I want to kiss you again. If that’s okay.”

“Do you…” Chloe’s breath is warm against Beca’s mouth as she moves closer still. “Do you…have another thousand dollars?”

Beca’s eyes would fly open if she weren’t completely lost in the sensation of both of Chloe’s hands coming up to tangle into her hair. She moans at the sensation before she can help herself and immediately closes the distance between them, their lips bumping uncomfortably for a second before they settle into a somewhat familiar rhythm. Just like that, with a hint of banter and the way their touches soothe each other, they settle back into familiarity—back into what made them work all those years ago.

Instantly, Chloe’s body seems to press into hers with ease. Chloe’s head tilts and her mouth parts and Beca just about loses her mind. She reaches up to grab Chloe’s shoulders with difficulty before she moves her hands down to hold Chloe’s waist while subtly tugging her closer. Chloe sighs a little into the kiss before she pulls back with Beca’s lower lip trapped between her teeth for a brief moment.

Beca shudders. “Unfair,” she murmurs, momentarily forgetting her own name. Chloe’s name. Amelia. Ben.

There is nothing but this moment, with Beca’s heart threatening to burst from nerves and excitement and passion and sheer joy at the feeling of having the woman she loves in her arms once more.

“Never wait that long to ask me out again,” Chloe teases, pressing her forehead against Beca’s. “This was like…weirdly romantic, but I don’t need you to drop two thousand dollars. No matter how rich you are, miss Grammy nominee.”

Beca tilts her head to steal another kiss. “Again? As in we’re going to have multiple dates.”

“If you play your cards right.” Chloe’s nose brushes against Beca’s lightly. “Not your fancy credit card though.”

“Oh,” Beca says because Chloe’s hands are tugging through her hair again and somehow her toque is on the floor and they’re kissing again.

She could get used to this.

But of course:

“Wait ‘til I tell the girls you paid two thousand dollars to go on a date with me.” She doesn't need to sound so smug, but Beca would be remiss if she didn't acknowledge how hot Chloe sounds saying that.

It isn’t an accident that Beca shuts her up with a kiss.

fin.

#bechloe #fanfiction #pitch perfect #beca mitchell #chloe beale #my fanfic #mine #text #fool's gold

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