#but it's hard to know for sure what he's like/his speech patterns/etc

[scintillatingshortgirl19]

as much as i despise john house tbh i wish we'd gotten more episodes with him . . . partly for more of that sweet sweet Daddy Issues content but also. because there are so few scenes with this man i have to do so much fucking guesswork when writing him

#i'm trying to make his characterization feel accurate but like. what even IS accurate for him #we see him in only a couple of scenes with a little bit of dialogue in one specific context #it helps that house talks about him now and then #so there's a lot i can infer about his personality based on the info we have #but it's hard to know for sure what he's like/his speech patterns/etc #at this point i feel like he tended to be very cold and methodical when punishing house #and actually rarely lost his temper #he was always sort of . . . chillingly calm #which maybe actually added to the effects of the verbal abuse #because he would tell house how worthless he was in just. the most reasonable and articulate tones #and that made it even harder for house to keep from taking what his dad said to heart #like i'm sure house got yelled at sometimes but #i think john was more of a 'dangerous quiet voice' type of dad #anyway hi i currently have 3 wips dealing with house's childhood trauma :') #house md #john house #em writes #op

[froot-batty]

Can you explain how Eddie, Jon, and Jerv's autism manifests itself? As an Autistic comics fan, I love the idea of the Dork squad all being autistic!!

I sure can!! This one's gonna be long, so I'm gonna post it under a cut

Ed

Ed's whole deal can get a little complicated to explain, since he has BPD, ADHD, and OCD along with autism, so a lot of his experiences or behaviors are going to be influenced by all of those

Ed is a very repetition/pattern/organization focused kind of guy. Whether this be repeating routines, having to keep a system that's very specific, or needing things to play out in predetermined ways. If something doesn't happen how he expects it to, he will either repeat it over and over again or have a meltdown, depending on what it is

(He also has a lot of repetitive thoughts about all sorts of things. Some are more unpleasant than others)

They also fixate on things or people HARD. There will be week long stints where they will get fixated on something and be unable to do really anything else until their brain is satisfied. It can be very detrimental to their health (or to the health of the other person)

He also tends to dislike social situations, especially ones that are unfamiliar or crowded. Being unable to predict what will happen in a social situation or location is very nerve-wracking for him, and it's part of the reason why he can be so blunt and rude. Part of that is just how he's built, but it also usually puts people off or at least gives him the ability to analyze who someone is better. He doesn't like meeting new people, and he's found the best way to avoid talking to them is by being annoying (but he's just kind of annoying in general also)

Lastly, Eddie is very touch-averse (for multiple reasons) and moderately sensitive to sensory input. Bright lights and noises don't bother them too much, but the wrong smell or texture makes them want to vibrate out of their skin. They hate being touched, especially if they don't know you very well. Another reason why they wear gloves and a lot of clothing. It isn't as bad if they're very close with you though, so have them willingly touch you, or allow you to touch them for more than a minute or so, is a big sign of trust on their part

Jon

Jon is, as always, repression city, so he masks whenever he can get away with it. He's the type of guy to pretend like he's not bothered by something and then go home and stare at the wall for hours on end. He has a loooot of shutdowns because of this, unhealthy fucker

Jon is very unemotional and (like the other two, but more so) unempathetic. He could be having the best time of his life or the worst and he'd still have a blank "I wish I was dead" expression on his face. The exception is when he's experiencing high emotions, like shock, delight, terror, etc. He also speaks mostly in monotone, with occasional injections of emotion (mostly annoyance or amusement, and even then only barely)

Jon is very sensitive to light and sound. His glasses (or goggles, if he's wearing his mask) are actually tinted like sunglasses to help him deal with some of it. He has tried and failed to tough out being in noisy places, but since he physically can't do it, he's resorted to using earplugs to help deafen some of that sound. It still bugs him, but at least it lets him leave the house

In public, Jon stims in ways that could seem "normal" to other people, in his attempt to mask. Humming/whistling/singing, bouncing his leg, tapping a pencil, etc. He'll also clench his fists when he's not holding something (or tap on that thing if he is). When he's alone he tends to pick at his skin/scars, grind his teeth, pace, whisper to himself, things like that. Honestly a lot of his "not in public" stims unintentionally make him seem kind of scary (which he thinks is funny)

Jon also will have brief periods where he loses speech, particularly when he's overstimulated, but not always. Granted, since he doesn't talk much in the first place, it's not always noticed

Jervis

Jervis is veeerryy talkative when she's able to be! Though she tries to be mindful of it, she isn't the best at social cues (especially conversationally), and can (and will) have entire conversations where the other person isn't needed. Especially if it's about one of her interests, or if she has the chance to explain something to you. You best be ready to settle in for a while if she's decided to talk to you

The only problem is sometimes it's difficult for her to express herself in a way that makes sense, especially to neurotypical people. This is a combination of autism and brain damage. She is really very smart, and the things make sense when they're in her head, but they come out confusing and more like a ramble instead of a weave of interconnected ideas

He also has a bit of trouble recognizing people. He goes by shape, general colors associated with the clothes they wear, and voices, but if those are mixed around or unclear then he can get confused

He's also a very tactile kind of guy. We already know he loves hugging/cuddling/touching people, but a lot of his other stims relate to touch as well. Braiding or running his hands through his own or other people's hair, touching objects that have a texture he likes, scratching things, the feel of certain kinds of clothes, chewing on things, stuff like that

Along with that, she also has a lot of olfactory and visual stims. She has a couple of those stuffed toys that have the scents in them, which both appeal on the smell factor and the touch factor. Some might think it's weird or creepy, but she also likes to smell different people, especially those she's close with! It's just very comforting (even if being sniffed isn't always comfortable for the other person). Visually, she really likes staring at pleasing patterns, or anything moving repetitively, like fans. But she can get real dizzy doing that

Jerv is a biiigggg fan of weight, either being pinned down under someone or under stuff like a weighted blanket. Very very comforting

I think that's just about it!! I hope this satisfies, it was a lot of fun actually writing out how different their autism manifests and throwing in some of my own experiences/behaviors too. My silly beasts

#frootverse #jonathan crane #the scarecrow #edward nygma #the riddler #jervis tetch #the mad hatter #doodles

[nateriverswife]

1, 8 and 9 for Ethe for the OC Questions

:3

Hi!!

would this oc fight you if they could?

OMG, YES. both as a 9 year old and as a young adult. She even becomes somewhat of a bodyguard later (slight spoiler?), but her means of protection are a bit... unconventional. but definitely. if she met me and found out i decided her fate, jesus, my life would be over, but not in a dead way, which is worse.

8. has there been any part of having this oc (designing, writing, drawing, etc…) that was difficult?

Finding her voice, because I wanted her speech patterns, thinking process and writing style to be so unique that is hard to mistake her for someone else. I don't know if I nailed it, but the idea of going back to write her after four months of not touching that story makes me feel a bit anxious, because what if it doesn't sound like her anymore, you know?

Another thing is her appearance, because at the very beginning I wanted her to be like the female version of L, but then I changed it, 'cause I thought it would've been a bit unoriginal, and after I enstablished her many problems, I also realised that it would've defeated one point of the story.

9. what is your favorite part of having this oc?

As much as writing her is hard for me, I still love writing her. It's my favourite part.

All her interactions with L are funny to write, like

"Are you sure you're in the right kind of institution, Ethelinda?" L asked as I rested my hand on the doorknob. "Do you want to find the answer to that too?"

but those with Lex are funnier. She doesn't want to be mean to him, but comes across like that, and doesn't even realise it, like she thinks saying stuff like, "Is he [Simas] sharp-sighted or are you limited in observation? It wouldn't be the first time you've demonstrated that" is acceptable. She says more out of pocket stuff later on, but even now, their dynamic is so good imo. Especially because Lex thinks she's just a bit strange you know, but in a cute and harmelss way, and then they have this type of conversations:

"So..." He looked around for a second. "How is that worse?" "The possibility was enough." "You could have paralysed me." "I could do far worse." "What...?" He whispered and I realised what I had just said and bitterly regretted it.

And he's like, "tf... is she joking right? of course she is", while she's thinking of threating him into silence, because nobody has to know about her inclinations.

Her one liners are another thing that I adore, like the one I remember right now:

"Our friendship does not involve charity work." (to Ayla and Rae about L)

"Maybe you'd better start walking so you can make it to your room by tonight." (to Lex when he has crutches)

Lastly, how she spins some stories when she needs to lie. the grade exam accident is just... so good.

Before handing over the finished product, it seemed to me that everything had proceeded well: there had been no heated bickering, no bitter disagreements, we had managed to find a middle way and had even finished it before the deadline, so that we had the opportunity to reread it as many times as we felt the need to. However, at the time of the result, Roger had informed us that the work had fulfilled almost none of the requirements, which was a surprise. Simas had left the room immediately, without waiting for any explanation. I had stayed because I did not want to sour Roger's opinion of me. Apparently, the text had a thesis up to a certain point, before changing completely and continuing with another one, contradicting everything stated above. It had been logical for him to think that we had not actually communicated or had a dialogue; therefore, I had not argued back.

it's like... imagine if someone came to you and said like, "yeah, we worked so hard and i think we did a very good job. we even went over the finished product together and it was perfect, but then the teacher said that we fucking sucked ass and from his pov, that's true, that's so logical to think. i can't argue against that so i didn't defend us and we failed. have a wonderful two years redoing this grade :)"

best part is that she thinks she's great at lying like girl. are you sure about that.

but yeah. My favourite part of having her is writing her, basically.

Sorry, this is so long! But thank you for the ask <3333

[ask game] [ocs index]

#oc: Ethe #d.inbox

[luckyqueenreign]

BE WARNED - long, long rant incoming but i think i’m just looking for validation in everything i’m about to say lmao

OKAY, but as I think we’ve all gathered, the s5 writers are acting like they’re trying to write s2 with their eyes closed and a brief synopsis, BUT, i will say that the only thing giving me hope going forward is a little theory i’ve been thinking about

just going to throw in finn becoming noah 2.0 triggering my heartstrings really quick because his speech was arguably the best part of the season BUT ANYWHO

in season 2, after casa amor, whether you recoupled or not, if noah/lucas/henrik recoupled, they all made it kind of clear that they were interested in blake (more so with lucas and henrik) before it all fell apart and they returned to MC. this also happens majority of the time in the show, they get mad because the other recoupled and then find their way back to each other. they’re just too stubborn to admit it at first typically

another reason that i feel like the same thing is happening with suresh and why they all don’t seem all that concerned for MC in that situation is the fact that we have RECOUPLED with nicolas/jonny !!! not only have we recoupled, but suresh has absolutely no idea whether or not we’re romantically involved with them. i didn’t consider this until i replayed the game and mentioned kissing nicolas in bed and SURESH ROLLED HIS EYES. he’s annoyed. he thinks we want nicolas and he’s hurt and too stubborn to admit it. not to mention none of the boys know if we chose alfie/dana or suresh

when alfie was grafting hard on us and suresh thought we were into alfie, he grafted harder on arlo and tried to get us out of his head. it wouldn’t be entirely out of character for him to do the same thing but worse this time considering he literally doesn’t know how we feel about him and hasn’t spoken to us in days

i don’t know what the situation with gabi is going to be, and honestly, i’m not entirely sure if my MC is going to forgive him for it or not, but this is what i THINK of the casa amor situation. i may be very wrong, but i just wanted to throw it out there and see what you think

omg babe literally yes to every single word. yes yes yes. I 100% agree with you and I hope so so so much that you're right. the only benefit of this season and the lack of the usual LI structure is that we were able to fully hone in on these four characters - Finn, Alfie, Dana and of course Suresh. We learned their patterns, what makes them tick, how to get in their head, etc. So what you're saying makes absolute complete sense. Suresh is just following his normal pattern. he sees us standing there at the recoupling and we switch and what does he do? "Suresh moves closer to Lulu, trying his best not to react" Why is he trying not to react? When asked how his night was with Lulu he's visibly uncomfortable and doesnt know where to look. his unusual quietness these episodes, he's pensive! he's in his head rn. Because I think he's scared. He never told MC about his brief fling with Gabi and now here she is in the flesh. He probably thinks any shot at reconciliation is now gone 😭 so he doubles down on Lulu like all the dumb boys do after returning from casa, and in his case its 10 fold because he has all the other ex drama involved too.

can we just have one chat with him though...like please fusebox😭😭

#luckyqueenreignask

[skzhocomments]

Broken hearts can heal - Choi Minho SHINee Fanfic - Chapter VIII - Are you moving on?

Story masterlist - please consult it for the summary of the story, trigger warnings etc.

Wattpad link

AO3 link

Chapter VII / Chapter IX (coming soon)

---

Chapter VIII - Are you moving on?

word count: 1.9k words

Minho opened the apartment's door holding a big McDonald's takeout bag. He didn't really like eating it. If he's going to have unhealthy food, he'd much rather make some ramen noodles. But still, you mentioned in passing that you've been craving some, so he thought why not bring it since he's going out anyway?

The lights were turned off, but a distant TV sound could be heard coming from the living room.

You were sleeping soundly on the sofa, and Haru was awake, but making no noise, just stirring a bit, probably soon falling back asleep.

"Hello, baby." He approached the crib and watched Haru fondly, but decided against picking him up. Instead, he came next to you and sat down on the floor, looking at your sleeping face.

You looked peaceful compared to the last time he woke you up, when you were a crying mess and clearly agitated. He didn't ask what you were dreaming about, but he had a guess.

Your hand was placed close to your head, and he didn't know what came over him, but he placed his on yours, and was surprised to feel you squeeze his palm softly.

How hard was it for you? Were you missing being touched? Being held?

Was that why you always responded positively whenever he initiated any sort of contact between you two? Be it a hug, a gentle caress, or simple hand holding in the early hours of the morning when Haru wouldn't go back to sleep.

If you did, why did you never tell him? Why did you never come first to him?

Did you think you would make him uncomfortable?

You were getting cozy in the apartment, that much was clear. The first few days it was like you were walking on shattered glass, you didn't want to disturb him, you didn't make much noise, it didn't even feel like you were there most of the time.

He wasn't sure if you viewed the place as 'home', but he was sure that giving you enough time, you would warm up to this house, to him.

You started stirring a bit in your sleep, and when you woke up, seeing Minho's asleep face right next to yours made your heart skip a beat.

You were definitely not catching any feelings.

It would be bad to do so.

Key died 3 months ago.

It was just infatuation. Minho was always there, sometimes half naked, taking care of your baby and of all your needs.

He was just there, and you were lonely, and touched starved. And he was hot and gorgeous, you couldn't deny that. All of SHINee were.

That didn't mean anything.

It couldn't.

You still loved Key, so how could you fall for someone else so shortly after his passing?

You must be insane.

Still, when Minho fluttered his eyelashes and looked lazily at you, a gentle smile on his face, you swore you felt your chest tighten.

And when he spoke, you were sure you kinda loved him, because he said the magic words.

"Hey. I got you McDonalds."

"Marry me." You replied, making Minho laugh.

"I have already, haven't I?"

"You wore your ring today."

"Oh, did you watch the show?"

"No." You chuckled.

"How was my speech?"

"Beautiful." You smiled. "I cried the whole time listening to you."

"Nooo." He cooed. "Did Haru cry with you?"

"No, he was smiling. Must've liked his dad's voice." You chuckled, and Minho smiled at you, his thumb drawing circle patterns in your hair, his gentle eyes glimmering in the TV's light.

He didn't say anything, you just looked at each other for a while, before you felt your stomach rumbling.

"So, where's my McDonalds?" You stood up and made your way to the kitchen, followed by a smiling Minho.

He brought the take-out bag and placed it on the table, taking out the contents, and you were surprised to see him eat with you.

"What? You're eating an unhealthy chemical?!" You asked him shocked using the same words he did when you blurted out you're really craving it, seeing him take a bite of a Big Mac.

"Hey, don't say that!" He threatened jokingly. "Don't turn my words against me!"

"But Minho, what would I look at when you're holding Haru if your 6 pack disappears from this burger?" You frowned, then burst out laughing.

"Don't worry babe, it's not gonna go anywhere, I'll exercise extra hard for you tomorrow."

"Yea, do that." You chuckled, trying not to focus on his choice of nickname. "But damn, I wanna exercise too. Get off this baby weight." You looked down at your stomach and frowned. You missed your pre-pregnancy body, and you hated your stretch marks.

"Why? You're so beautiful, though?"

"I'm not. I'm fat and ugly." You frowned.

"Shut up. You look amazing, what are you on?" Minho frowned too.

"Compared to you, I don't!"

"Da-Eun. I live in the gym. You birthed out a whole ass human. How is that comparable in any way?"

"I'm just... missing my old body, I guess..."

"Okay, but your new body is perfect the way it is. However, if you want to exercise, then let's ask the doc at your 6-week appointment if your body's ready, maybe we can hit the gym together if you want?"

"Mhm, okay. But what would we do with Haru?"

"Well, we could always get a nanny. We maybe should, as I'll start working soon and be away from home more during the day..."

"Oh."

"Yea... we were in the middle of making an album when Key-"

"I know." You smiled, placing an assuring hand on Minho's. "That's okay. It's good that you're working again."

"You think so?" He frowned a bit.

"Of course! We need someone to put bread on the table." You winked at him then chuckled.

"At this point it feels like you're only using me for my money." He joked.

"No way, Minho. I'm also using you as eye candy."

"Oh, am I that good looking?" He raised an eyebrow and asked playfully.

"Shut up." You rolled your eyes and laughed.

"Nonono, say it."

"Minhooooooo!" You whined and threw a french fry at him, which he somehow caught with his mouth.

"Throw another one!"

"How the fuck did you catch that?" You burst out laughing. "Okay, here!"

You grabbed another fry and threw it towards him, but instead of managing to catch it, it hit his cheek.

"You suck at catching." You laughed at him as he rubbed his cheek, the fallen french fry discarded on the ground.

"Oh yea? Let's see how you do. Catch this!" He said, and didn't give you any second to react as he instantly threw a fry at you. It hit you directly on the forehead.

"Oh my, you don't only suck at catching, you suck at throwing too!" You laughed.

"No, I just think you're not as good as catching it either!"

"You caught me off guard, so it's not fair!"

"Ok, let's do it again. Get into position."

"Are you ordering me around?" You raised a playful eyebrow at him.

"Why, do you like being ordered around?" He responded with the same innuendo as yours.

"Hmm, depends. Okay, I'm ready. Throw it." You spoke quickly, trying to defuse the dangerous situation.

Minho grabbed another fry and threw it at you, and this time you managed to catch and eat it.

"See? I'm the best. Obviously the better out of the two of us." You boasted.

"Yah, isn't it just because I threw it so good?"

"Don't get ahead of yourself, Minho." You shook your head and placed your hand on his to fake comfort him.

"What, don't believe me?! You should know I'm really good at sports."

"Sure, sure, whatever makes you feel better." You continued your fake comfort.

"What, wanna see?!" He stood up and immediately came in front of your chair, moving it from the table to make you face him.

He had a determined look on his face as he moved your chair closer towards him.

"You're gonna scratch the floors!" You screamed in horror then burst out laughing.

"Right." He nodded, then placed his arms steadily on your waist and forced you to stand up, before grabbing your body like it was nothing and placing you on his shoulder.

"Oh my fucking goooooooodddddd" You screamed as Minho ran out of the kitchen into the living room with you in his arms.

"Put me downnnnn." You laughed loudly, almost forgetting that Haru is sleeping in his crib right there.

Minho brought you to the sofa and laid you down on it gently, but as he was placing you down, your hands grabbed his back for support, which he didn't expect, so he stumbled and fell right on top of you.

"Comfortable?" You laughed, trying to make the scene less awkward, as you still kept your arms on his back, hugging him.

The living room lights were turned off, the only source of light coming from the kitchen's opened door.

You were barely able to see anything, but feeling Minho's proximity was enough to get your heart racing. You wondered what kind of face he was making, but you were glad he didn't seem to pull away, instead getting more comfortable in your arms.

"Da-Eun?" He asked slowly.

"Hm?" You whispered.

"Are you really okay with me going back to work already? I could try and change my schedule and start later-"

"Of course I'm okay with it, Minho. It's a really good thing to get out of the house and fall back into a routine without thinking of... everything that happened."

"I... I can't help but feel a bit guilty... life is moving on and I want to stay positive, as always, but it's hard to do so."

"Hmm... It's okay to move on, Minho. It's good to work, to release more music and content, to live. You don't have anything to feel guilty for."

You felt his head move in the creek of your neck with what you assume was a nod. It somehow felt like he was asking for your approval to continue to carry on, and you knew that he saw Kibum every time he looked at Haru. As did you.

"Da-Eun... are you... moving on?" He asked slowly, letting you process his words.

"... I don't know. I have to. It's still so... weird to accommodate, but what can I do? I can't believe it's only been 3 months." You smiled sadly.

"I know it's hard for you..."

"It's hard for all of us."

"I don't want to push anything onto you, but I think it would be a good idea to go to therapy so you can heal from this properly." Minho spoke, and you knew it was coming from a place of concern.

"I think so too. About you as well. I am worried you haven't entirely processed what happened, and..."

"Yea. You're right. I'm doing my best though."

"You really are. You're such an amazing person to be around, Minho. You're always making me laugh."

"I'm glad." He chuckled. "I also like being around you. I think we work well together, raising Haru and stuff."

"Speaking of, he's been quite calm tonight. No screaming?!"

"Was he harsh on you during the day?"

"Yes! He cried a lot." You complained, and it was as if Haru heard you, because not even 5 seconds later he burst out crying, making you sigh.

"You jinxed it." Minho laughed and got off of you, going towards Haru's crib and picking him up. "I'll take care of him, so go finish your meal and then sleep, okay?"

"But... you had such a full schedule today..." You frowned, but Minho didn't want to hear it, so, after going back and forth for a few minutes, you decided to listen to him and eat, then go to sleep.

---

(A/N) it seems like we see a bit more progress between Da-Eun and Minho.

How was this chapter?

Love,

Storm

---

Chapter VII / Chapter IX (coming soon)

#shinee #choi minho #fanfiction #minho #taemin #key #kim kibum #lee taemin #shinee masterlist #shawol #accidental pregnancy #pregnant #children #marriage #relationships #commitment #responsibility #friendship #shinee jjong #shinee minho #shinee jonghyun #shinee taemin #onew #jonghyun #shinee fanfic #ao3 fanfic #wattpad

[shallowseeker]

Dean wants what he can never have...so what's stopping him?

A consideration of Pamela as specter of Guilt in Rocky's roadhouse, SPN 14x10

At first glance, Rocky's bar has got everything: lots of family beer and cheeky references to Dean's pop culture, family, members, and friends.

So, why then, is Rocky's bar so anemic? It's a long way from the swing-for-the-moon El Sol type of contentment shown in Dean's prior djinn dreams. It feels peppy and hopeful through its decoration alone...but in actuality, it feels lonely, scared, and sad.

Dean is a social animal, and this is a bar devoid of people except for a dead psychic, a shady real estate developer, and a handful of enemies. There are no customers.

This Michael is clever. Dean, unlike other soldier-coded characters in SPN, is usually very attuned to knowing "what's real." (Families! People!) He has not fallen prey to frank nihilism or despair as often as other characters, at least not in that existential, what-is-real way. (Usually, his despair is about saving loved ones, or the horror of loss and abandonment.) This time, Dean is broken. Michael crows in triumph 14x09:

MICHAEL DEAN: So I left but not without leaving the door open just a crack.

CASTIEL: Why wait?

MICHAEL DEAN: To break him, to crush and disappoint him so completely that, this time, he'll be nice and quiet for a change -- buried. And he is. He's gone. [ Takes a drink of whiskey ] And now I have a whole army out there, waiting, ready for my command, ready for this. [ Michael Dean’s fingers prepare to snap ]

That explains Michael's choice of illusion here, and it foreshadows the nihilism and break with reality that Dean will experience in seasons 14 & 15. ("His life's work, a hoax.")

Dean is about to lose sight of the meaning of his life and will be set up to bear the ultimate disillusioned-soldier's burden: he will be unable to determine what's real.

Sam and Cas have already gone through this,. In fact, most soldier-coded side characters have consistently experienced this: Bobby, Charlie (not soldier-coded but grief-coded for sure), Benny, Mary, AU!Charlie, etc.

Arguably, Dean has broken with reality only a handful of times, but not to same severity and not with the same level of disillusionment as compared to someone like Cas, who was faced with both moral injury from his superiors in Heaven and a complete psychotic break.

///

Dean's heartbreaking self awareness

I think Dean's actually a pretty astute guy, and when you look past all the smack-talk and the witty one-liners, he's one of the best at reading people. Whereas Sam can at times sound like he's reading from a psychology how-to pamphlet, Dean often more easily navigates when to push and when not to push with strangers. He'll talk down on their level, too, which helps to keep it from coming off too scripted or condescending.

An example is 13x05 Nightmare Logic: Dean starts off quippy to a grieving Sasha, but he quickly builds rapport with her by being present in the moment and not trying too hard to psychoanalyze her. When Sasha says she isn't up for a heart-to-heart, he doesn't shame her. He says Okay. He show similar intuition with Claire Novak.

Emotional intuition aside, Dean's too much inside his own head a lot, too. And his fear of abandonment is crippling. If his rapid-fire speech pattern is anything to go by, I imagine Dean's mind is an equally rapid-fire flurry of intrusive thoughts. I wouldn't be surprised if he's prone to rumination.

His self reflection is a torment. We see this in early seasons and especially in 3x10 Dream a Little Dream of Me, when he meets his dark doppelganger.

And, of course, Dean feels guilty. He feels like everything is his fault because he was the primary "rock" of his family for so long. Sam is his brother but also his child, so he can't quite relate to him normally or always accept Sam's attempts to reach out to him. Furthermore, Sam tends to push when he cares, and Dean doesn't always take kindly to being pushed:

SAM: Dean, like it or not, the stuff you don't talk about doesn't just go away. It builds up, like whatever's eating at you right now.

DEAN: There's always something eating at me. That's who I am. Something happens, I feel responsible, all right? The Lindbergh baby – that's on me. Unemployment – my bad.

Dean often turns to alcohol to deaden the absolute tempest he's got inside. I feel like Dean might not be as robust as Sam is at frank compartmentalization.

///

An endless loop of status quo + threat

Dean has very rarely "completely checked out of the fight." In the dream world of Rocky's Bar, Dean has retired Baby, but there's still a horrible storm raging outside. Interestingly, Dean doesn't actually go out in the storm in 14x10; Pamela does. Her recounting of the outing feels stressful, like people are panic buying in preparation for an approaching disaster:

PAMELA: Everybody's shopping at the store like it's the End Days. The milk and bread aisles were a war zone. But I battled through it all for your stupid bag of limes.

Dean is no longer one who braves the storm; so, he's trying to be a shelter from the storm. He's checked out of the fight.

Dean's mind resolves the need to face the storm by mentally assuring himself that the burden of hunting is shouldered by trusted, competent, strong family members: Sam and Cas. Dean wants to be a safe harbor, but he's also hiding from the storm and drowning himself in booze (his preferred coping mechanism). Here, the beer isn't completely celebratory; it's replacement of people and the deadening of emotions. Michael is still drowning him. There's no Mary or Jack to be seen. It's the stasis of being useful, of being available as safe harbor but keeping everyone at arm's length. It's a bare bones kind of happiness.

Meanwhile, Dean and Pamela fight vampires in an endless loop. This shows that, outside of hunting, Dean struggles to have confidence and meaning in his life. He crows that he's famous:

PAMELA (wiping Deans face) Worst part of working here is having to clean up the blood after some pissed-off monster busts in to kill you.

DEAN (smirking) Well, what can I say? I'm famous.

It reminds me of the distraught high-schooler Dean, insisting loudly that he's a hero in After School Special.

The negative reading is that Dean in Rocky's Bar is checking out; it's a bit similar to Cas in season 7; he also wanted play support and let his trusted companions handle things. The root of it is the shame and crushing disappointment that Dean suffered when he choked during Michael fight. Dean was the weakest link. He failed.

And so, now we find him, happily fighting on the sidelines here, serving as Ellen Harvelle 2.0 with his own Roadhouse. (It's like Sam with Amelia in season 8; it COULD be a good thing if it wasn't representing Sam primarily checking out of his duty to Kevin. The same way Cas hunting in Hunter Heroici COULD be a good thing, if Cas wasn't primarily doing it to escape the consequences of his Heaven genocide. As usual, it's all about the balance, at least in the world of SPN.) Indeed, most of the new side relationships and new roles in season 8 are idealized, fantasy-esque ones, without the baggage characteristic of real-life relationships/jobs. That's on purpose. Season 8 is all about fantasy escapism-idealization, which is what gives it its dreamy, "is it even real?" quality.

On a positive reading, Dean has his own business, and he's putting his own stamp on the family business.

Interestingly, even this dream is under threat...from a shady real estate developer. 14x10:

WOMAN: (looking around the bar) Rocky's looks pretty dead. It's a very generous offer.

DEAN: Well, all the same, this bar? I've never had anything this nice. So that sale that you want so bad, well, it's just not gonna happen.

Only small amounts of happiness can be allowed, and this threat to happiness must exist to make even that small amount seem believable.

///

The Pamela of it all

Is the appearance of Pamela related to Cas? I think Yes. But not in the way you might be thinking. She's definitely complex:

CASTIEL You're just a complex manifestation of Dean's memories designed to distract him.

PAMELA You really know how to talk to a lady, don't ya?

I think her set-dressing, sexual symbolism, and stand-in for potential repression have been discussed to death, so I wanna focus instead on what I think the crux of the issue is: her presence as Guilt. See, it's clear from her words that Pamela knows that *Dean* knows what he wants.

On the surface, she's easy company, requires no explanations, and Dean can flirt with her, despite her not being "what he wants." She understands that, and she won't get the wrong idea. The part most people key into is that, she, Dean's subconscious, she chides him that he "always wants what he can't have."

But what can't he have? Peace. Why can't he have it? Well, lots of reasons. But chief among them is that he doesn't deserve it.

So, Pamela. Why Pamela, specifically?

One, this is what keeps Dean up at night: it's the people he couldn't save. He alludes to this rumination all throughout the series. So, of course, he thinks about Pamela. And Pamela was heartbreakingly angry when she died:

PAMELA: Yeah, I don't. I told you I didn't want anything to do with this. Do me a favor? Tell that bastard Bobby Singer—to go to hell for ever introducing me to you two in the first place.

Two, her blindness is because of what first connected Dean to Castiel. Therefore, Pamela is a reminder of the awful fact that one of Dean's cornerstones of happiness (Cas) came to him through great trauma and evil circumstances, kind of like a Leviathan blossom out of a corpse.

But to Dean, having happiness at the expense of others would make him "like a vampire," leeching life and happiness from the living, and that's uncomfortable. Because of Dean going to Hell and being resurrected, Pamela was pulled into this mess, lost her sight, and died. Cas burned her eyes out, something Cas is also horrified to revisit:

DEAN (looks at Pamela, whose eyes are now pure white) You're blind?

PAMELA Yeah, I've been blind for a while. Thank Feathers here for that one.

CASTIEL That was -- Dean, that was an accident.

Subconsciously, this was on Dean's mind, even before he remembered her blindness. But who is blind to what?

I think there are two layers to this. The first layer is that Dean cannot easily resolve being glad that Cas is in his life with the fact that Cas being in his life cost so much in the first place. The second layer is that Dean has experienced the trauma of being vessel now, and that not only re-contextualizes the horror of Sam and Cas's internal battles with Lucifer, it recontextualizes Cas and the Novaks. Dean was already thinking about these things in the previous episode, The Spear 14x09:

DEAN: [ Stopping Cas ] Listen to me. Michael conned me. Kept me trapped and drowning inside my own body. Now, when you and Sam were possessed by Lucifer, I -- I thought I understood, but I didn't, not really. So, yeah, if we get a chance to trap him, I'll take that, but I won't be truly happy until he is dead and I kill him.

Here, Dean is completely sidestepping the fact that Cas also possessed vessels, possibly all throughout his long life, forcing humans into submission and completely dominating them.

But Dean's subconscious isn't sidestepping it.

Loving Cas often makes Dean willfully blind to what he was, because Dean loves the person Cas has become. That's still a hugely burdensome cosmic horror, and it's been cast into a fresh light.

It's something that Cas struggles with, too, of course. (Indeed, in season 15, that's what the specter of Belphegor is all about; thus the "wearing him like a coat" line. Body snatching and angelic brutality are incredibly underestimated components of Cas's self-loathing. (Even the Empty calls them out in all of The Big Empty scripts.)

From 10x09:

CLAIRE: Why? Like you don’t have it coming? You stood there while this monster took my dad. [She puts the gun down, then turns to Cas.] I used to pray to you, Castiel. Every night. I would beg you to bring him home safe.

CASTIEL: I know.

CLAIRE: You know … My father was a good man. In what messed up world does he have to die and you get to live?

CASTIEL: I’m sorry.

CLAIRE: No. You feel guilty. There’s a difference.

///

From 14x02:

NICK: Castiel, you’re just a stone cold body snatcher. You’re no different than Lucifer.

CAS: I...I need to look in on Jack. [CAS walks past NICK, but stops before he gets to the door] You know, in all my thousands of years, what happened to Jimmy Novak and his family are my greatest regret.

///

I don't deserve to be happy

People struggle to accept their lives when they feel they've committed too many evils to be worthy of actually living it. (Like, that's the whole APPEAL of religion for a lot of folks, you know?) Some people set out to do penance or self-punish. But when does noble penance go too far? How much pain and self-flagellation absolves you of sin?

AMARA: I wanted you to see that the real, complicated Mary was better than your childhood dream because she was real. That now is always better than then. That you could finally start to accept your life. I thought having her back would release you, put that fire out. Your anger.

At the point in the story that Amara says this, she is mostly reacting to Dean's anger and nihilism at being cheated in life, but she has a fair point about accepting your life. (Dean swings wildly in season 15, going from the his more typical early-seasons, "I don't deserve a life, but what I do has meaning," to an embittered "I deserved a better life than this, and nothing matters, not even family, not even saving people; it's all rigged!"

///

For Dean and Cas, I feel like Guilt is largely what the "something I can never have" stems from. It's the deep shame at the idea of being happy, of being selfish, at the expense of the more-deserving others. It's also about being bad luck--about being poison.

Cas shields himself from the weight of his guilt by appearing to be motivated by altruism. He likes to appear as if he's adhering to duty, something that Lucifer and Metatron are both shown to be absolutely bitter with him about. It's also why Jack was Cas's perfect raison d'état to feel good about staying on the earth and existing within a human family. It's more than that, too, but a huge attraction to the idea is exactly that.

From 10x10:

CASTIEL: This isn’t about me.

METATRON: (sarcastically) Of course not. The great Castiel never stoops to such selfishness.

///

Dean's self-worth is so abysmally low, I could chunk out a bunch of examples.

From 3x10:

DREAM DEAN: Dad knew who you really were. A good soldier and nothing else. Daddy's blunt little instrument. (angry) Your own father didn't care whether you lived or died. Why should you?

Nevertheless, throughout the series, Dean is incredibly in tune with his inner emotions. He has mini-crises about what he's willing to do for family, he quotes existential literature, he gives everything for his little brother even when it lurches into parental-authoritarian nightmare. He genuinely checks in on his suicidal war companions, and he showers Charlie and Claire with affection.

He was mentally prepared to say "I love you" to Cas in season 7. He creates a mixtape for him in season 12. He was originally drafted as telling Cas, "You're more than a weapon," in Good Intentions 13x14. He comforted Jack about his nightmares, and in Game Night 14x17 was at first super relieved that Jack was safe, "because he was safe with Mary (from Nick)."

Fuckups aside, I think we shouldn't underestimate Dean's amount of "sitting with the emotions in the dark of the night" type of introspection. I'd wager Dean still thinks about how he is only alive because John is dead. He still thinks about Layla and what happened in Faith--about taking another's heart to live. He even thinks about Adam, but he also feels powerless about a lot of these things.

I 100% think it's possible that Dean was suspicious of Chuck AND Chuck's entire family in season 15. Internally, it was a push-pull war of "Cas and Jack are family," and "Cas and Jack are Chuck's family...is he messing with me? Are they messing with me?"

///

How dare you fall in love when so much bad had to happen for you to even meet

(In a kinder world, you'd have NEVER met at all)

What I'm trying to say with this rambling brain exercise, I guess, is I just think it's more interesting to me personally if the Dean-Cas struggles in latter seasons are more about the happiness they feel they don't deserve. The rest is okay: the stigma of society, or shame for attraction, or a lack of self-awareness, or even the popular 2D bigoted bruhaha depictions of a cartoonishly homophobic John. But I feel like you have to work harder for those when the cosmic horror of existing as they are is already baked into their self-loathing.

I don't tend to view Dean as unaware of his emotions; if anything, it feels like he is psychotically over aware of them. I think he suppresses the expression of them, sometimes, but not the emotions themselves. That's why he drinks as his coping weapon of choice.

If anything, it's Cas that has been trained that angels don't have emotions, and when they very obviously do show emotions (because hey, guess what--ALL angels canonically do), they get compartmentalized. Angel emotions "don't count" as real emotions, because they've been told they don't have them, and because they don't feel exactly like human ones. (It's like a person starting hormones and mistaking a change in the expression of emotions for either an absence or addition of feelings.)

Cas typically solves for this by cloaking his own selfishness in angelic duty, as Metatron and Lucifer so astutely note. It isn't until very late SPN that I'm convinced he is willing to honestly "read" his own emotions at all. Cas has to start loving Sam and Claire Novak and the world to even begin to parse why he's attached to Dean in a more-than-the-charge-I-must-protect fashion. I think this is partially why, in season 10, Cas starts out being willing to kill Demon!Dean in the early part and winds up NOT being able to do so in the latter part.

There's a major shift occurring with Cas in seasons 9 onward. I don't feel like he lost his grace and WHAM he suddenly parsed his own emotions. It takes awhile. He actually MARVELS that he has sharper sense of empathy as late as 9x11.

CASTIEL: You know, old me -- I would've have just kept going. I would've jammed that needle in deeper until you died because the ends always justified the means.

Season 10 deleted scene:

Cas: Glory? Oh, I’ve seen glory. And I’ve seen defeat. But I have seen the glory. I have won epic battles, and I have reaped vast rewards. And none of it has meant as much to me as the relationships that I’ve formed on Earth. Sam and Dean? They are like a family to me. Claire Novak? When she smiled at me? Nothing, no angelic crusade or victor’s bounty, none of that could ever hold a candle to that sweet, crooked smile.

//

What do you want?

Everything Michael says is opposite. We know that Dean was gutted when Jack died, he was devastated when Sam left him alone with John, and he doesn't want Cas around out of obligation...he just wants him. Michael is The Character that goes around asking people, "What do you WANT?" So, he knows, too.

He's also astute enough to realize that he can't give Dean something too nice, or he'll realize he's in a dream. He can't bury him in trauma, because Dean thrives in that. He also can't bury him in blissful happiness, because he'll clock that. So instead he chooses a low-level, threats-on-the-horizon kind of contentedness--having something nice but not indulging too much.

In fact, in the terminal seasons, Dean and Cas seem low-key aware of how happy they make each other, but they can't LET themselves be happy. It would be selfish to seek more. They can't have it. But not because of what the other feels. It's largely because they feel they don't deserve to have this happiness. In Dean's case, happiness might even be dangerous, an invitation for more death. By the time they're on the cusp of something, The Empty strikes.

From 7x21

CASTIEL We live in a "sorry" universe...I mean, why should I prosper from... your misfortune? [CASTIEL puts down a marker and moves DEAN’s marker back to the start.] But these are the rules. I didn't make them.

And that's a real shame.

#queue #december writings #shame in spn #destiel explorations #for the record i'm not opposed to any of the other readings per se #it can be many things simultaneously #i just feel like the backdrop of the world is brutal OUTSIDE of how they feel about each other #the mere fact they're both EXISTING is a crime #and they're both aware of this

[argentnoelle]

Light Yagami and honorifics

Light & his parents

Light uses tōsan and kāsan to refer to his parents. (source: listening to subbed anime.) This is a really ordinary way to refer to his parents, and slightly more casual than o-tōsan and o-kāsan, which is another really ordinary way to refer to your parents. Official translation of “dad” and “mom” did a good job here. (More on how Light’s speech patterns are casual but polite).

Light & Misa

There’s definitely been metas on the fact that Misa went right to calling Light by his first name, without an honorific, & Light’s “um, no” reaction to that... metas which unfortunately I can no longer find. This is the part that in the dub got translated to her calling him darling. (Plus the way she refers to his parents as hers, as though they’re married or something). Of course then he backtracks and is like, “sure you can call me Light” just so she won’t go around calling him “knight.”

Besides the obvious stalkery overtones, and Misa’s general lack of any boundaries whatsoever, I think it’s interesting that Misa wants to not only be Light’s girlfriend, she wants to be in Light’s family. Which is *partially* because of her True Love Obsession, and partially because of the fact that she wants that situation, that place... this ties into later, when Light tells her to give up the eyes, and she’s happy to do it because she can be a better wife to him... like it’s not even that her love for Light is entirely because she loves Light, but because she loves “the person Light is.” Respectable-Light-with-a-loving-close-family. Misa doesn’t just want Light’s love, she wants to be part of that. This also makes something interesting of the fact that she quit her career for him, and why she would see that as a fair choice. Because in her mind, she’s giving up fame but gaining close connections, a family, replacement parents since hers are dead, and a place in respectable society that would otherwise be cut off to her... etc. It really isn’t just about Light, I think. (+ an interesting note on if Light cared about Misa at all).

Light & Sayu

Light just uses Sayu’s name, this is ordinary, since he’s her older brother. Sayu uses o-niichan [or niichan] (source: listening to sub. It was hard to tell if she was using the slightly more formal “o-” prefix, but it seemed like she maybe was). There’s something so cute about this, since it would’ve made perfect sense for her to instead use o-niisan, but she uses chan, since they’re close.

Light & his school friends

There was another meta that I think I recall pointed out his friends use no honorific to refer to Light, but Light uses one to refer to them. I haven’t read the original version of the manga, so idk if this is true, since I have since lost the meta :(

Light & L

L refers to Light as Light-kun, a friendly way to refer to male friends or coworkers and yeah it does bring in the connotation of both 1) L’s higher status than Light and 2) also the fact that he’s older than Light, but there’s nothing really unusual about the fact that L uses it... except for the fact that they’re “being friends” so people can “see them being friends” so it’s a false closeness. That’s noted by Light a lot with his thoughts about how Light and Ryuzaki are friends but Kira is L’s enemy, etc. Basically, there’s a very performative aspect to the way L refers to Light that they’re both aware of, but that passes by as completely unsuspicious to everyone around them. What other people take as “L and Light being friendly and normal” is L saying “we know each other so well, my young friend and underling, don’t we? :)” when he knows that will drive Light up the wall.

Light refers to L as Ryuzaki. No honorific. This is hilarious for so many reasons. L is older than him and of a higher status than him so it would make sense for him to use “san” but he doesn’t. It isn’t “weird” that Light doesn’t because they’re “such close friends!” But actually... he’s insulting L to his face. And L knows it. :) It’s pretty much the same thing L does to him, but in the other direction. By using Ryuzaki instead of Ryuzaki-san, Light says, “we know each other so well, my close friend who’s of similar age to me, we are totally equal haha, greatest detective in the world who?”

I feel like this adds such a fun layer to their whole “we pretend to have one thing going but it’s really another one” vibe, and the fact that they’re using politeness to insult each other, but also to give each other a kind of secret message that no one else is really aware of, even if they’re standing in the middle of the room with everyone else. It’s like their whole relationship in microcosm.

[on ao3]

#Death Note #meta #my stuff #my meta

[sparklyeevee]

If you have the time/inclination, could you talk about the overlap between propagandistic rhetoric and communication disorders?

That line really hit on some experiences I’ve had (and am trying to deconstruct so I can more easily push past my gut reaction and be a better ally in the future)

I will do my best. This might be a little wide-ranging, and potentially disorganized in exactly the unsettling way I was talking about, because it's something I've only noticed recently and it sometimes takes me a very long time to get my thoughts into an easily communicable order when I see a pattern. (Note also, I'm gonna mostly use "they" when talking about people with communication disorders. I do also have one, but it is not of a type or severity so as to cause most of the problems described below).

When someone has difficulty putting their thoughts into words at all, or has a limited vocabulary, or is trying to work around a stutter, there are some things they tend to do. They might repeatedly circle back and express the same idea in slightly different ways, while trying to narrow down on exactly what they mean, or to express it clearly to an interlocutor who didn't get it, or might not have gotten it, the first time. They might use wonky vocabulary - longer or more technical words than are necessary, language so simplified it's legitimately unclear, or word choices that are slightly...off, so that you're pretty sure you know what they mean, but you can't be totally sure because it's not what they said. (Sometimes it's similar sounding words, like using 'mortified' when they probably meant 'horrified', sometimes it's using words with slightly different connotations, like my ex who would say "seal" any time he meant "close", even if it was like, a tab in his browser). They might start a sentence hoping they'll figure out how to say the end of it by the time they get there and then not manage it, so they just kinda trail off and hope you know what they mean. When discussing the usage or meaning of words, they might focus very hard on etymologies or dictionary definitions, especially if those are tools they were taught to use in speech therapy. They may struggle more than other people to update to Approved Language for sensitive topics. They may try to preemptively address disagreements or misunderstandings that were not actually likely. A lotta people with communication disorders are also someways neurodivergent, so they may speak at an unusual volume, have tonal weirdness, interrupt more frequently, or have more trouble dealing with interruptions from others.

Sometimes they'll also like... I don't have a good way to describe this one. A little over a year ago, I was helping my partner design a roleplaying game (I don't like, on purpose only date people with communication disorders, but it sure has worked out that way), and I had an idea about how to address a potential issue, but I wanted to make sure I understood it correctly. So I asked "So [thing] works like [description], right?" And he said "No" and then launched into an explanation of the whole subsystem, including the exact thing I was asking about, which did, in fact, work how I'd said. He was acting based on his own anxiety that since I hadn't included every single thing about the mechanic under discussion, he might not have explained it properly. But naturally I felt like he was trying to maintain control of the conversation and status as the person who knew what was going on by telling me I was wrong when I wasn't and hoping I wouldn't notice. So I guess... Prioritizing making sure they've said what they wanted to say, and expressed themself clearly, over any of the other things that might matter in a conversation.

The effect, often, is that following what they're saying at all can require your full attention and engagement, without any brain left over to consider your own responses or assess whether you agree with what they're saying, whether it makes sense, etc. And, y'know, a fair amount of repetition, which we know from science can make someone more likely to believe something. Someone delivering propaganda wants this effect, that you have to pay close attention and have trouble thinking clearly about what they're saying, and will deliberately use similar techniques to that end, where the person with a communication disorder will use them mostly by accident in the course of trying to express themself at all. Similarly, someone using propagandist rhetoric may speak a little too loudly, to make it harder to think, and to increase the emotional charge of what they're saying, or too softly, to further force you to focus on understanding what they're saying. Someone with a communication disorder may do the same thing just because they don't regulate their volume well.

By interrupting, responding harshly to interruption, or behaving as though any objection, disagreement, or confusion on your part is clearly you failing to understand them, the propagandist makes it more difficult to marshal a coherent response, and retains control of the conversation. The person with a communication disorder may do the same things on impulse, or in an effort to retain enough control of the conversation that they can say their thing at all, or in response to experiences indicating that disagreement or confusion are the result of them not being clear.

(None of this is meant to imply that someone with a communication disorder can't also be doing propaganda. They totally can. But if, y'know, you're talking about a TV show you both like and your interlocutor is using conversational tactics better suited to a street corner evangelist or one of those angry YouTube people, chances are they just have a communication disorder.)

Unhelpfully, leftist social circles are basically more hostile to communication disorders than far right social circles. The pressure for up-to-the-minute word choice and complex unspoken rules about who should be given more conversational airspace on which topics are obvious problems. But in my experience, leftists are also more likely to have an implicit belief that good communication = maturity = being a valid person. People who can't communicate well are reflexively evaluated as immature, too much work, even toxic, especially (but not exclusively) if they're unwilling or unable to preface Every Single Interaction with like "I have a communication disorder, please be patient". This means that a lot of people with communication disorders (especially men and boys, who are more likely to have communication disorders in the first place) end up spending at least some time in libertarian, MRA, rationalist, or otherwise... Bad social contexts, because that's who will have them. Plenty of them get past it eventually, but often they carry the communication patterns typical of those groups with them into the wider world, where it brings them under additional suspicion. My partner one time asked for feedback on why people were getting angry at something he wrote in a Facebook comment, and I told him like, "There's nothing wrong with what you actually said, but you write like an MRA". And he was like "Well yeah, they were the only people willing to listen long enough to understand me."

Nothing in the above paragraph directly relates to the overlap between communication disorders and propagandist rhetoric, but it exacerbates the social problems that overlap can cause.

Thank you for asking about this - this is the best I've done so far at actually laying out my thoughts about it. Also please feel free to ask if you have more questions or need clarification.

[dopepoisonivyoncrack]

This may come out a bit rushed cuz m getting it out of my system in one go at midnight Yes, I know drafts exist but I like to live dangerously ANYWAY.

There is so much to unpack about that scene where Dr. Robotnik says to Stone to pin himself to the wall and proceeds to say a lot of mean things.

1. Stone doesn't just approach the wall like he's about to measure his height, no, he grabs himself and pins himself to the wall hard. Respecting Robotnik's words to a T. It seemed like this is not the first time, but something they do. Its a thing. ...another one of their things. Like the casual training-like hit instead of a hi5 at the bar ("You let urself exposed"), asking Stone to translate in simple terms what he said, bringing the latte...

2. The context. Robotnik was angry and frustrated because another one of his attacks had just failed, loosing precious robots too. And what does Stone do? His only and closest human being, his trusted partner in crime? Blurs out a praise of his enemy. "They're real survivors". This puts salt on the wound, and stabs on top of it, because HE is supposed to be the survivor, the one on top, the one who overcomed everything and should overcome anything that comes. I'd go even further to say it was another crime added to Sonic's list to steal a moments fraction of Stone's admiration, that should be focused on HIM only. Like, how dare he be impressed??

3. So, Robotnik reacts as he usually does, redirects his frustration and unloads it on the closest person as a mean, hateful, condescending rant. It was his repeated hate speeach too, unrelated to the actual incident. With how he hates humans and he won't miss Stone etc etc. (We all know he'd miss him..he actually did, and admited).

4. Stone just stands there like, again, this is a thing they do. He didn't even seem hurt by his words, probably because he knows Robotnik isn't mad at him, its just how he steams off. (And looking at Robotnik he probably steams off as often as Stone's steams his austrian goat milk)

5. The leaning in so close Stone could feel Robotnik's breath on his face, kabedon style, might help too. Not sure but I think Robotnik became aware of the closeness only towards the end. The moment being interrupted (or saved) by noticing the glow of Sonic's needle in Stone's chest pocket.

6. Unhealthy coping mechanism performed, frustration and anger lvls back too normal, quite intimate human interaction checked, new focus target unlocked.... Robotnik has been reborn in less than 5 minutes. They can go on about the day like usual, no hard feelings. Time for Robornik to work and Stone to go make themselves some latte.

Even when Stone brings his latte, the speech pattern is quite aggressive "Do I look like an imbecile? Of course I want a latte, I LOVE THE WAY YOU MAKE THEM".

I think Stone does know Robotnik good enough and read his nuances. Might be the only one who does.

It might seem like Stone's is ok to be a punching bag because he is also loved, in an evil way... but it doesn't feel true, and I can't pinpoint why. I swear there is more to Stone than meets the eye.

#midnight ramblings #ivy shitposts #at least these are my thoughts at 1st sight

[igarbagecannoteven]

👀🧠-♥️

hi annie!! thanks so much for stopping by i hope you're doing well 💙

👀: okay so neither of these are 5sos fics but i'll give two different vibes to keep things interesting :)) first off we've got Slitherdale by JombleBoingus which bella read to me out loud after we finished the final season of riverdale and it made me laugh so hard i was actually gasping for air! you don't need any knowledge of riverdale in order to enjoy it so. yeah sdkfjlskdjfljd You're On Your Own, Kid by ohmygodshesinsane which is a heartbreaking marauders-era character study of marlene mckinnon that' just. ohhhh my gosh so heartbreaking and so good and really struck a cord with me in how it talks about relationships and i just. i don't even usually read marauders-era stuff (or much hp fic in general) but this was very well done.

🧠: okay i don't know how long a ramble this is going to be but i am currently entrapped by the television show of all time, aka riverdale and i'm just sorta gonna word vomit about it a little bit so um. yeah you are under no obligation to read this. putting it under a cut bc. yeah. i'm crazy i'm a crazy person do you see me writing my own speech patterns into tumblr posts that's crazy sdkljflkdjs

OKAY so currently thinking about how jughead claims that he and veronica are supposed to be foils to archie and betty which like, on one hand kinda, but on the other hand not really i feel like they're more, not foils exactly but two sides of the same coin but different? i'm missing a word but whatever that is for each other. while archie and betty are both solidly middle class, jughead and veronica are on the extreme opposite ends of the spectrum, with veronica being pretty wealthy and jughead being from the "wrong side of the tracks". jughead is homeless in season one (and seems to have been living that way for a while) while veronica has just been "displaced" since most of her family's wealth has been seized since her father was arrested for embezzlement. in season one she tries to comfort ethel, whose parents are worried they're going to lose their house due to money troubles, by saying that she knows what it's like to lose a home even though the conversation is taking place in the dining area of her penthouse/fancy apartment. she does kinda try to relate to jughead this way as well but not as explicitly (possibly bc she knows he'll call bullshit) HOWEVER despite the fact that it seems like veronica and jughead's living situations couldn't be more different, in the final season (spoiler alert) veronica gets locked out of her parent's flat and is forced to live in the movie theater where she works just like how jughead lived at the drive- movie theater *he* worked at in the very first episode!!! (obvs there are still key differences since veronica owns the movie theater but my point still stands) continuing to compare s7 veronica with episode 1 jughead, while in the beginning jughead's parents were the absent ones with his mother and sister in another state and his dad an alcoholic gang member, in s7 veronica's parents are now absent as they've sent her to riverdale to live by herself despite the fact that's only fifteen or sixteen. they've both been put in positions where the adults in their life expect them to be fully self-sufficient while still in high school and don't even bother to check in regularly to make sure they're actually doing okay. then there's their belief that their respective besties are much better, more perfect people than they are, despite the really obvious signs that they aren't perfect (archie's vigilante complex, "dark betty", etc) but there's the difference in how they handle those feelings, with jughead mythologizing archie to the point that he warps reality around this fact while continuing to view himself as an outsider in archie's life, while meanwhile veronica spends much of season 1 trying to deserve to be betty's friend by becoming a better person and eventually (spoiler alert) falls in love with her in s7 and AAAAAAA there are so many more parallels and/or juxtapositions btwn these two but i'm gonna shut up now thank you for your time.

#i applied to eleven different trader joes locations only for them to say in their emails that they might not get back to me for at least 3 #weeks the bastards #oh well war is hell etc etc #thank you for indulging me annie ksdjfkldjs #answering mail #annie #i feel like i should tag riverdale sklfdjlkdjfklsdj

[takemus]

🛒✨🧐🤩🎉!!!

Fanfic Writer Emoji Ask || Still accepting!

this got kinda long so im putting it under a cut 😭

🛒 What are some common things you incorporate in your fics? Themes, feels, scenes, imagery, etc.

HMMM i've never really thought about this tbh...i do tend to write a lot of romance bc i'm a sucker for that, and love including themes like overcoming obstacles (i blame the whole 'fight god' shtick going on with jrpgs bc i ate that shit right up) or the struggle with destiny (free will vs predetermination). struggling and fighting is such a big part of character development and plot and i love thinking about different ways this can be portrayed depending on the character(s)

i also love including a lot of introspection and internal thoughts bc i enjoy diving into the thoughts and ideas of characters!! what they're feeling or thinking at a certain time, their justifications and motivations--it's soo important to me, esp if i want to include that sweet sweet yearning,,

✨ Give you and your writing a compliment. Go on now. You know you deserve it. 😉

NOOO I CANT THINK OF THAT MANY MORE

i am proud of how much ive written cumulatively tho, bc apparently i have like 50k words on my ao3 account alone, and although id say about half of that is from rp/collab fics and not written on my own, i still have a good amount that i did write by myself! not to mention i dont post all of my writing onto ao3, so there's a lot of wips in my drive and uh...old fics on my ffn account LMAO (i do not perceive them) that i havent accounted for

ik word count doesnt mean anything, but i do consider it to be evidence of the fact that ive written. a reflection of how much ive come up with? id like to write again once im in the mood again and add to this and maybe one day, ill finally finish a chapter fic (even if it's short!)

🧐 Do you spend much time researching for your stories?

it depends on what i'm writing about, but when i do, i spend an embarrassing amount of time 😭 ive spent hours reading wiki articles for franchises i know enough about bc i like rereading things, or i accidentally wind up going to other pages and reading about them. it's not too bad tho bc sometimes ill wind up learning something new, clarifying a misconception, or just discover something i flat-out missed

on the other hand, ill sometimes just go 'fuck it we ball' bc ik i spend a little too much time researching that i wind up not writing at all, or it winds up being really complicated and i'm not able to understand it well enough to correctly convey in my writing

🤩 Who is your favorite character to write?

OH MAN this is kinda hard...but im gonna say it's probably alex, simply bc he's literally THE culmination of things that i love from other characters (archetype, features, that kinda thing). i love putting him through a lot and pushing his development. plus, the way he is makes it easy for me to bully him (affectionate) while also being able to get in my fix of angst

i just don't enjoy writing how he speaks bc i have this nebulous idea of what i want for his speech pattern, yet i'm not quite able to execute it in a way i like 😭 i'm p sure this is bc i love him a lot and want to be perfect with how i portray him, so thats holding me back

🎉 What leads you to consider a fic a success?

probably if i finish a fic. im still at the point where i dont consistently finish that many pieces so id like to at least be able to do that 😭

otherwise, if im liking my writing and how the fic's coming along, id consider that to be successful too and that i'm doing the right thing so far!

#egg answers #satsuha #omg so many emojis #tysm flumi!

[mystiika]

@swanqiu​ asked: for the character development questions— warren: 4, 9, 11, 18, 21, 31, 40, or any mix of these if not all of them meme: 42 character development questions ( accepting )

4. what is his size and build? how does it influence how he uses his body, if it does?

he’s got a pretty strong build. he’d never had to work all that hard to put on muscle even as a teen. he’s always been tall, strong shoulders, etc. that in combo with his damn near super strength i think that can make him a little careless at times? he has a strong pain tolerance & he knows his body can handle just about anything. so if someone he cared about was in some sort of danger, he wouldn’t waste time stepping up to protect them even at the risk of his own well-being. 

9. how does he manifest energy, exhaustion, tension, or other strong emotions?

i’m not totally sure how to answer this one. but generally speaking he’s pretty easy to read. he’s an angry kid & it shows. but it also means that when he’s NOT scowling, it’s not too hard to figure out how he’s feeling. as far as energy, he’s pretty closed off so it all reads the same imo

11. how is he vocally expressive? what kind of voice, accent, tones, inflections, volume, phrases & slang, & manner of speaking does he use?

he’s actually quite talkative once he gets used to someone. he uses a wide variety of tones & even flipping between scenes at the school & the paper lantern you can see some of his real personality where he’s more than just irritated. his voice is pretty low for his age but he grows more into it in his 20s. &   id say his patterns & choices of words are pretty typical? nothing in particular stands out. he’s a product of the time & environment of his youth so his speech is pretty up to date that way

18. what kind of person could he become in the future? what are some developmental paths that he could take, ( best, worst, most likely? ) what would cause them to come to pass, & what consequences might they have? what paths would you especially like to see, & why?

i’ve tried to think about this & i can’t seem to settle on what he wants to be once he graduates. all he knows is that he wants to step away from the hero/villain society & try to live a more normal life among regular people. so he goes out of his way to choose the ‘normal’ path as a result. he goes to university, gets a degree, gets a job, maybe dates or gets married, kids yada yada yada. as far as consequences, it means he’s rarely fully at ease. the world of course is familiar with the concept of super powers, but that’s generally seen as an abstract rather than knowing people in regular life who have powers. warren doesn’t find it particularly difficult to hide powers, mind you, but still

not sure doing what, but i want to see him happy & thriving if he’ll ever let himself do it

21. what kind of relationships does he tend to intentionally seek out versus actually cultivate? what kind of social contact does he prefer, & why?

i don’t think he intentionally seeks out anything? i think he just meets & interacts with people organically. but that’s assuming he can actually stand to interact with the people he meets. he’s so far from a people person. as a result, preferred social contact is usually none. that being said, i think he likes texting because he can reply at his own pace & its easy to just... stop, if he doesn’t feel like talking anymore but then can pick the convo back up later. he likes the ease of convenience of it all

31. is there anything that counts as a “deal breaker” for him, positively or negatively? what makes things go smoothly, & what spoils an activity or ruins his day? why?

people being too cheery for sure. he finds it both irritating & exhausting to be around. ofc any mention of his parents is also just an instant ‘no’. generally just people will ruin is day. the list of those he actually likes to interact with is so very low lol

40. what does he wonder about? what sparks his curiosity & imagination, & why? how is this expressed, if it is?

ngl i have no fucking clue. i think he lives his life just kind of trying to distract himself? it sounds sad as hell but his entire life up to college he’s just been sort of waiting for it to pass. once he’s old enough he can leave the superhero/villain community, go off on his own & live a life where people know nothing about his origin

as far as what sparks his curiosity, he likes literature. reading is a great way to explore his interests while having nothing to do with people. not sure if he’s ever inspired to do any writing of his own, but i suppose getting to see all sorts of characters living lives so different from his is something he quite likes. he’s able to put himself in others’ shoes & escape for a while

#split the ask into 2 so i'll post the tyrus ones later #swanqiu #queue. #asks — you have a question & i have an answer #w. peace. character study — keep a fire burning; a fire is what saves you

[flameboyace]

HEYYY idk if you are comfortable to write for this but uhh can you uh maybe write HCs for law, ace, and/or shanks with a bf (or gender neutral partner) who has unusual mannerisms and habits because they are autistic and/or have ADHD? like, maybe they’re incredibly hyper, maybe they go through long period obsessions with random interests, maybe theyre impulsive to a degree, maybe odd speech patterns and socialize weirdly, etc.

I'm totally okay with this but, just to let you know, I'm doing this based on personal experience cause I absolutely don't wanna say something wrong or offensive.

Hope this is good enough.

_____________________________

□ this man just think you're dumb af at first, he took him a short amount of time tho tu understand what's going on

□ tries his best to help you out when he see you struggling with something

□ if he see you going into a room and looking around searching for god knows what he will try to help you out

□ he knows you don't forget things because you want to, but he still gently scolds you sometimes

□ makes you write down what you have to do every single day

□ always ready to run after you during battle because he know you always go without thinking about it

□ always praise you at the end of the day

□ OK let's be real, this men lose himself too sometimes, he can't really say anything to you

□ laugh with you when you both run into a room to do something and you just stop on the truck totally lost

□ helps you out every time you wants to make new friends, he knows how hard this is for you

□ both of you spends entire minutes looking at literally nothing just to go back to do what you were doing

□ he always says you reminds him of luffy, so he perfectly know how to deal with you

□ gently rub your back when you keep staring at nothing at all, also gently talks to you to make you come back with him

□ doesn't say anything when you move with little tics sometimes, he knows you can't really stop them or anything

□ always helps you out with memory loss, if you forget anything he is always ready to reminds you of it

□ always makes sure to be with you when you're talking to someone you don't really know, or at least to have someone being there with you

□ totally respects you if you wants to be alone sometimes

_____________________________

#one piece #one piece headcanons #one piece imagine #one piece x reader #one piece scenario #one piece x you #op x reader #trafalgar d. water law #trafalgar law #trafalgar law x reader #trafalgar law headcanons #portgas d. ace #portgas d. ace x reader #portgas d. ace headcanons #red hair shanks #one piece shanks #shanks x reader #shanks headcanon

[snifflesthemouse]

Harry’s the Problem. His wife is the symptom. He is the real Diana 2.0 Wannabe...

         Since the Oprah interview aired, my whole perspective regarding the spare and his spouse has shifted. It would seem that I’m not alone in my thought process as more and more media outlets start reporting similar stances. Just recently, there was an article suggesting Harry didn’t change; but rather, he is only finally revealing his true self. The more I think about it all, the more I’ve come to the realization #6 is the real culprit behind everything.

         I’m not saying that his wife doesn’t have her own agenda or shares responsibility for her part in all this. Her hands are far from clean. What I am saying is it’s finally time for all of us to consider the cold, hard truth. Harry is his mother’s child. Harry is the bad egg, and his wife is only a side effect of the real problem here.

         Had it not been for the Oprah interview, I would have never put it all together. The problem with oversharing is too much information gets put out in the public. Most assume PR firms would worry about oversaturation in the press, but the real problem comes from personal interviews they cannot control in real-time. Puff pieces can be edited before publishing so facts and statements align; live interviews cannot. Over time, one of two patterns form from this oversaturation. Consistencies, repetitions, and similarities can be found in oversaturated truth-telling. Inconsistencies, changes, and huge differences result from those like Harry who prefer their trousers scorching hot from bursting into flames from deception. When you consistently lie, the only constant is the inconsistencies. 

         Now, those of us who have been following these two already know by now inconsistencies and changing stories should be expected. But the Oprah interview really highlighted some interesting things I had previously missed. The interview with Dax Shephard only solidifies my theories. Up until lately, those two have been together through most everything. Very seldom have we seen Harry alone in an interview or speech. There’s never a time where the missus isn’t popping up. James Corden proved that. Then we have the Oprah interview where she was supposed to be the star of the show. But, that was the moment it all changed. That interview was the moment she became the understudy. 

          Think about it. Who is the one being used in the media lately? Most people would suggest that the impending delivery of child number dos is why the missus is absent. One would then argue the Apple + special with Oprah started production well before the second child was a topic for discussion. The missus is being used less and less on camera or in the media. Everything is all about Harry. Forget about when Harry met Sally; Harry Met Hollywood! 

         Harry is the one doing the interviews, dropping projects, and talking with big Hollywood names. Even their announced Netflix projects are focused on one of Harry’s pre-married concepts. All the wife has going for her is a book that’s only number one in the “Books written by ex-Royals who couldn’t hack it” category. Seriously though, as of this posting the Bench is #2130 on the Amazon Books list, #12 in Children’s Black and African American Story Books, #73 in Children’s Emotions Books, and #167 in Children’s Family Life Books. Being pregnant isn’t a disqualifier for being interviewed. But, apparently being just the wife is.

         So, if it was his wife’s plan from the beginning to marry Harry, get him to abandon his family, move to California, and become a big star with a Prince for a husband, her plans have been ruined. And if you think about what she said in the interview with Oprah, you can actually see the moments she told us all exactly that. She clearly tells Oprah Harry was her direct link and source to the Royal Family and everything she needed to know. She didn’t misspeak or misunderstand a thing; she was telling us that Harry’s next to be markled. In every weird answer or revelation where she gave her versions for why their child(ren) were without title, saying they wed three days before the chapel, or having to cry out to HR since Harry failed to help her while she was so depressed she wanted to kill herself and her unborn child... all of it. It was all just the beginning. It may seem like she is attacking her husband’s family, but Harry’s the real target now.

          In just a couple sentences, she managed to reveal who Harry really was. Harry, of all people, should (and does) know how to navigate the press. Clearly, he failed to not only help her acclimate to Royal life, but it could also even be argued he set her up for failure for the get go. Let me give you an example. When my husband introduced me to his family for the first time, he told me little tidbits of information he found important for me to know. He essentially prepped me for the meeting so things went well. He wanted his family to like me because he loved me. I wanted them to like me because I loved him, too. So, I took to heart everything he told me. Yet, Harry’s wife shared with the world how little Harry cared about that. She credits Fergie with teaching her to curtsey, google for teaching her the National Anthem, and even said Her Majesty made her feel especially welcomed. So how did Harry not do more? If they started seeing one another in the early Summer of 2016, how is it Harry failed to teach or explain anything to her prior to meeting his grandmother, the Queen, when he had months and months of time to do so? How is it he failed his wife so miserably, she didn’t even understand basic UK custom, laws, or protocols? Why might you ask?

         Simply put, Harry is so much like his mother, all he knows is how to play the victim narrative while using the link to the Royal family as a nonstop ATM machine. Many people aren’t honest with themselves when it comes to Diana. She wasn’t the Mother Theresa everyone makes her out to be. Mother Theresa wasn’t a Mother Theresa either, though. Did Diana do some great things? Absolutely. Did she do them only because they were nice or great? Absolutely… not. Diana’s PR team would even have her switch up her charity causes whenever they felt it was getting to martyrdom level. They’d refer to her PR stunts as flavors. Does that sound like an innocent woman?

         Not to me. This whole time we all have seen his wife as the root of all issues, but she’s the side effect. It’s becoming more clear by the day that Harry searched out her. He wanted someone with the basic Hollywood connections that he could capitalize. Someone that seemed so controlling and ambitious it would be easy to believe they were controlling him, too. Of course he knew she would invite all the celebs she did. He probably inspired that guest list. Instead of guiding her in the press and in British society, he leads her to slaughter. He hides behind her repeated gaffes and wokeness to keep on his own mission.

         You see, Harry is obsessed with his brother eventually becoming king, being the “Second Son of Diana” and being the misfit. He is obsessed with his brother and father. They are all he talks about. When you obsess on something like that, it is more revealing than anything you say. Harry’s true motives aren’t protecting his wife and children. His real motive is making a name for himself like his mother did. If he can manage to get some revenge by making the Firm feel some backlash, hey that’s a bonus. 

         While his wife may think in her mind she will be the next Diana 2.0, the truth is we all missed who really will be. Harry is the one wanting to be Diana 2.0. If that’s the case, then that means the much older spouse for whom there are two children with, aka the wife, would be his Charles. Remember, Diana lost her HRH and titles. And we have Harry being very aggressive and pushy, to the point it seems he is trying to get ahead of a Palace announcement of them losing their titles. But it makes sense now.

         They aren’t trying to lose anything, but instead Harry keeps opening his mouth to create pressure in the media. He knows his wife does not want to give those titles back. But if he himself keeps saying outrageous things, then it would put everyone in ultimatum mode. Either Harry will push hard enough that Parliament and the Queen will have enough, or the press will get so critical of the two, Harry will push his wife to agree to returning the titles.

         Harry is following the Diana business model. While in the Royal Family, they both were seen as rock stars who had more star power the the Sovereign, which was an issue. Then, they couldn’t take all the abuse, coldness, and inhumanity, so they bolted for freedom. Instead of putting the past behind them, they use the past to monetize grief and trauma in such a way, they become their own brand. Right now, the trauma being monetized comes from the past, but the problem will soon come when that trauma is tapped out. He will need a source of new pain or victimhood. Enters the wife stage left.

          The wife is a tool. She of course has her own plans and thinks she is the one in control or the genius. She thinks she is the one everyone wants to work with. But it’s becoming clear to her that isn’t the case and she’s been played by her elite buddies. They all want him, not her. They all duped her for him. If I can see it, and I can see her already finger pointing that Harry is the failure here, then she can see it. And that means paradise will soon be lost in those Montecito hills. His wife won’t go down without a serious fight here. I wouldn’t even be surprised if she eventually causes him to lose his special visa. 

         Overall, Harry hides behind his wife like a beard or shield protecting him from the press’s glaring lens. He lets her do and say whatever she thinks is great so he can keep plotting his own plans. He allows her to take the fall, look stupid, pull stunts people can see through, etc. for a reason. He isn’t completely sure he can make it in his new California life. He knows he can’t if he keeps her for too long, but he also knows he needs an exit strategy in case it blows up. So, he pins the press to attack her as the true culprit. If they split and he has to, he can return home and play the victim of her. If they split and he is doing okay in Hollywood, she can be the reason he plays victim to big named people like Oprah and Gayle. 

         I can see it now. An Oprah Special with Harry tonight on Apple +. Something cheesy or corny that is almost plagiarism. Like Narcissus and the Prince or something. Watch. Mark my words. Oprah talking to Harry about surviving the marriage while trying to rescue two small kids, being in the spotlight as a Royal while being gaslit by a narcissistic wife… yes I can see the green screen set up now.

         I know this is difficult to digest, but I do ask you to try. While his wife is not innocent, she clearly is guilty for her own part indeed, his wife isn’t the true problem. The true problem here is a man who has a serious issue with living in the shadow of his future-King father and future-King brother, and his future-King nephew, that he has chosen to use the same exact attack model his own mother used to merch and marginally disrupt the institution that made her a star. Harry and his mother both wanted the entire spotlight, but both knew they could never have it the way they wanted it. So, they wrote their own victimhood narrative.

         And here we are now. Mark my words. Harry will keep pushing until those remaining titles are removed by them forcing the hands of Parliament and the Queen. Or, they’ll push and push in the press so much the outrage and hypocrisy will leave them no other option but to renounce and re-gift those titles and rights to the line of succession. That is what he wants, even if his missus doesn’t. Also make no mistake about it. Harry is the real Diana 2.0 wannabe, not his wife. Keep an eye out. I have this gnawing feeling that soon enough, there will be plenty leaks from the wife about the husband. She won’t go quietly into the Beverly Hills… but neither will he.

#megxit #6 #harryswife #yankeewally #murky meg #diana2.0

[fortunatelyfresco]

A Holistic Integration of Type 1 Narcolepsy into the Reading of Moist von Lipwig

Literary Interpretation, Disability, and Finding Yourself Between the Lines

As it goes, "I wrote this for me, but you can read it if you want." It might be a fun ride for anyone who is very interested in Moist von Lipwig, or narcolepsy, or both, and/or anyone who enjoys collecting small details from within a body of work and arranging them into threads that are supportable by the text, without being actually suggested by it.

Personally, I find it very interesting to read the meta behind different headcanons, and see how creators can unintentionally write a character who fits certain criteria. There are only so many traits, after all, and some of them tend to travel in groups! Humans are pattern seekers, etc etc.

The first step of reading Moist von Lipwig as narcoleptic is wanting to read Moist von Lipwig as narcoleptic. Being narcoleptic myself and relating heavily to Moist, this step was very easy. I invite you to take my hand and come along, at least briefly, if you were interested enough to click the readmore.

Once you have taken that step, things start falling into place. At least they do if you're intimately familiar with narcolepsy, or if you first learn about it in detail through, for instance, a Tumblr post with an agenda :)

I'll break this down symptom by symptom, citing only the ones I both have personal experience with and see textual support for.

I'll be using OverDrive's search function to catalogue "evidence" in (the American editions of) Going Postal, Making Money, and Raising Steam, so I might miss passages that don't use certain keywords.

Please take any statements along the lines of "being narcoleptic means X" with a huge grain of salt. Sometimes it's just more succinct. Narcolepsy can manifest in many different ways, and is still being actively studied. Don't base your entire understanding of it on a fandom essay I wrote to cope with the crushing pressures of capitalism. I have not even fully read the scientific studies linked here as sources.

Here we go! Spoilers abound.

I. Excessive Daytime Sleepiness (EDS) and sleep attacks.

Being narcoleptic means (salt now, please) that your brain does not get adequate rest while you sleep, no matter how much you sleep. This is because of a disturbance in the order and length of REM and NREM sleep phases. This leads to constant exhaustion. Some sources describe narcoleptic EDS as "comparable to [the sleepiness] experienced by a healthy individual who has been sleep-deprived continuously for 48–72 hours."

(Source.)

Sleep attacks can come on gradually or suddenly. In my case, I become irritable and easily overwhelmed, and nothing matters except finding a place to lie down. A more severe attack, under the right circumstances, can put me to sleep while I'm actively trying to stay awake and engaged.

Moist refers to 6:45 am as "still nighttime." He is "allergic to the concept of two seven o'clocks in one day" and is "not good at early mornings," and the narration even cites this as "one of the advantages of a life of crime; you didn't have to get up until other people had got the streets aired."

In Going Postal, he repeatedly falls asleep at his desk. I can only find two instances, but the first one describes it as having happened "again," so it happens at least three times over the course of one week. Both of the times I found were after Mr. Pump cleared his apartment, giving him access to a bed, and I can't find any reference to the fire destroying it—just that his office is "missing the whole of one wall." His presumably wooden desk is still intact, even, just "charred."

There's also no build-up either time. No direct narration of the time right before he falls asleep, just retroactive accounting for it.

Which is primarily a function of stories not showing us every boring second, and secondarily one of the smaller ways we're shown Moist being overwhelmed and racing to keep up with himself, but tertiarily it's a great set dressing if you've already decided he's narcoleptic. Sometimes sleep is just a thing that happens, without any deliberate transition. Sometimes you sit down to catch your breath or get some paperwork done, and wake up several hours later.

I've found only one example in GP of Moist waking up in his actual bed at the post office: the morning after being possessed by all the undelivered letters. Presumably either they put him there, or Mr. Pump did.

There are two points in Making Money where Moist, in an effort to be a comforting and/or guiding hand, advises people to get some sleep. First Owlswick Jenkins, and then one of the clerks (Robert) who is worried about Mr. Bent.

I take the optimistic view that this is Moist genuinely caring about these people, not just trying to get them to do what he wants. He has always done some combination of those things (GP opens with him having befriended his jailers, after all), but there's definitely a thread of him learning to treat both himself and those around him more like real people. (See also.)

Looking at this thread through narcolepsy-colored lenses, you get Moist perhaps drawing from his own experiences in an effort to be helpful. In Owlswick or Robert's position, what is something he would want to hear from the man currently in charge of his fate, or at least his job? "Get some sleep."

If we accept this as a pattern, it culminates in Raising Steam, when Moist starts to worry about "Dick Simnel and his band of overworked engineers," fixating particularly on their lack of sleep.

What sleep they got was in sleeping bags, curled up on carriage seats, eating but not eating well, just driven by their watches and their desire to keep the train going.

[...]

"People are going to die if we push them any further," he said to Dick. "You lot would rather work than sleep!"

[...]

The young man swayed in front of him and Moist's tone became gentle. "And I see now that part of my job is to tell you that you need some rest. You've run out of steam, Dick. Look, we're well on the way to Uberwald now, and while it's daylight and we're out of the mountains it's going to be the least risky time to run with minimum crew. We're all going to need our wits about us when we get near the pass. Surely you can take some rest?"

Simnel blinked as if he'd not seen Moist the first time, and said, "Yes, you're right."

And Moist could hear the slurring in the young man's speech, caught him before he fell and dragged him into a sleeping compartment, put him to bed, and noted that the engineer didn't so much fall asleep as somehow flow into it.

Moist then recruits Vimes to help him talk the rest of the engineers into getting some rest. The two of them briefly commiserate about people not realizing how important it is.

"I have to teach that to young coppers. Treasure a night's rest, I always say. Take a nap whenever you can."

"Very good."

II. Insomnia.

This is a lesser-known but very common symptom of narcolepsy. Or a comorbidity, depending on how you look at it. It seems counterintuitive if narcolepsy has been presented to you as "sleeping all the time," but it makes sense once you know it's really a matter of disruption in the brain's ability to regulate sleep cycles.

The case for this symptom is flimsier, and I fully admit I'm just reading my own experience into it. But here are two excerpts from Going Postal that I find quite suitable for my sleepy agenda:

1. "A man of affairs such as he had to learn to sleep in all kinds of situations, often while mobs were looking for him a wall's thickness away."

I latched hard onto this detail the first time I read GP.

At my worst, I could not get more than a couple hours of sleep in my bed. I kept taking naps in the bath because it was one of the few places I could sleep. It seemed to fulfill some of the criteria (isolation, temperature control, etc) that my brain demanded in exchange for playing nice.

We're told over and over again, throughout Moist's books, that he functions best under pressure.

(Brief aside: This is often cited as a reason to interpret Moist as having ADHD, which I'm also fully on board with. Not coincidentally, narcolepsy and ADHD share a few symptoms, have a notable comorbidity rate, and are treated with some of the same medications. Source.)

So again, if you're already inclined to read Moist as narcoleptic, the following is an easy jump:

"Moist thinks he's good at sleeping in strange places under strange circumstances. This is because A) his basis for comparison is a disordered attempt to sleep in normal places under normal circumstances, B) something about danger satisfies his brain into running more smoothly, and C) he's a resourceful person who is 'not given to introspection,' and so is less likely to wonder why his body demands sleep at strange times and more likely to focus on finding a place for that sleep to happen, and chalk this up later as a skill."

And returning briefly to EDS: Why would someone like Moist waste time finding a safe place to sleep while people are actively trying to kill him? At the beginning of GP, he leaves Vetinari's office and immediately goes on the run. In multiple books, when he feels threatened, his brain instinctively launches into complex escape plans. We see him successfully blend into an Ankh-Morpork crowd at least once after becoming a public figure.

So why bother? After all, a safe place to sleep is also a safe place to change clothes, or at least remove whatever distinguishing features he's given himself. Why wouldn't he just become someone else and leave town immediately?

The obvious answer is that sometimes things just happen, and an author doesn't need to know or explain every single detail of a character's past.

I would suggest, though, that one of those things might be Moist reaching a point where sleep is just not optional. A point where he not only doesn't, but can't, care about anything else. Where he is too tired to think straight, too tired to talk his way out of trouble, too tired to even contemplate the long journey from one town to the next.

2. "Moist knew he ought to get some sleep, but he had to be there, too, alive and sparkling."

Sometimes (especially in combination with underlying mental health issues) narcoleptic sleep deprivation can bypass everything I've described so far, and lead straight into a manic state. You won't necessarily find that on Google, but it's been my experience.

That's obviously not what the text is implying. "Alive and sparkling" is just a very relatable description. And we do often see Moist getting away from himself, speaking without thinking, making absurd promises that he justifies immediately afterwards as Just Part Of Being Him, always raising the stakes.

And here are a couple of excerpts from Raising Steam that could be interpreted as Moist being a light sleeper, AKA struggling to get deep sleep:

1. "And slowly Moist shut down, although a part of him was always listening to the rhythm of the rails, listening in his sleep, like a sailor listening to the sounds of the sea."

2. "All Moist's life he'd managed to find a way of sleeping in just about every circumstance and, besides, the guard's van was somehow the hub of the train; and although he didn't know how he did it, he always managed to sleep with half of one ear open."

Moist is exactly the kind of opportunist to see that as a useful tool, isn't he?

III. Hypnagogic and Hypnopompic Hallucinations.

These are hallucinations that come on as you're falling asleep or waking up. They can also happen during REM intrusions while you're awake. My most memorable ones include piano notes, someone calling my name, being trapped in the waves of a large body of water, and a huge truck going over a guard rail and tumbling down a hill. These are often, but not always, accompanied by sleep paralysis (and sleep paralysis is often, but not always, accompanied by hallucinations).

In GP, Moist casually cites his own hallucinations as proof that what is happening at the post office is not one.

"They're all alive! And angry! They talk! It was not a hallucination! I've had hallucinations and they don't hurt!"

Obviously that's not true for everyone, but it's true for Moist, and he has enough experience that he immediately recognizes the difference.

At one point while awake, Moist "[snaps] out of a dream of chandeliers" to realize someone has approached him to talk, while he was busy having visions of what the post office used to look like/could look like again.

Now, that's cheating, because we're probably supposed to assume it's a side effect of being possessed, but... I'm putting it here anyway.

There is also perhaps a case to be made for the tendency of Moist's internal monologue to lapse into extremely specific and prolonged hypotheticals. The lines between hallucinations, waking dreams, and "regular" daydreams have always been very blurry to me. I'm especially curious about the example at the end of Going Postal, which goes like this:

"Look, I know what I'm like," he said. "I'm not the person everyone thinks I am. I just wanted to prove to myself I'm not like Gilt. More than a hammer, you understand? But I'm still a fraud by trade. I thought you knew that. I can fake sincerity so well that even I can't tell. I mess with people's heads—"

"You're fooling no one but yourself," said Miss Dearheart, and reached for his hand.

Moist shook her off, and ran out of the building, out of the city, and back to his old life, or lives, always moving on, selling glass as diamond, but somehow it just didn't seem to work anymore, the flair wasn't there, the fun had dropped out of it, even the cards didn't seem to work for him, the money ran out, and one winter in some inn that was no more than a slum he turned his face to the wall—

And an angel appeared.

"What just happened?" said Miss Dearheart.

Perhaps you do get two...

"Only a passing thought," said Moist.

In-universe... what is Adora reacting to? What did just happen? The fact that these incidents are not isolated to Going Postal is a point against it being some sort of literal timeline divergence caused by The Spirit Of The Post.

So maybe Moist visibly zoned out. Maybe he had some kind of minor but noticeable cataplexy attack (more on those later) as part of a REM intrusion, brought on by the intense emotions he's currently struggling with.

IV. Vivid Dreams.

Again, at least some of this is probably supposed to be part of the possession, but I've been professionally projecting myself onto the surreal dreams of magically afflicted characters for years. Do try this at home.

1. "Moist dreamed of bottled wizards, all shouting his name. In the best tradition of awaking from a nightmare, the voices gradually became one voice, which turned out to be the voice of Mr. Pump, who was shaking him."

2. Moist is uneasy about the Smoking Gnu's plan, and then he has an extremely detailed dream about the Grand Trunk burning down.

This culminates in "Moist awoke, the Grand Trunk burning in his head," followed by a paragraph of him thinking things through and starting to form his own alternative plan, followed immediately by "Moist awoke. He was at his desk, and someone had put a pillow under his head."

So he fell asleep at his desk, woke up from a vivid nightmare, was awake just long enough for a coherent train of thought, and then passed back out. Which once again is not "proof" of anything, but fits the predetermined interpretation like a glove.

V. Cataplexy.

Cataplexy is a sudden loss of muscle control, usually triggered by strong emotions. This is thought to be a facet of REM intrusion—waking instances of the atonia that is meant to stop us from acting out our dreams.

The most well-known manifestation is laughter making your knees buckle, but it's not always that severe. My own attacks range from facial twitching, usually when I'm angry or otherwise extremely upset, to all-over weakness/immobilization and near-collapse when I laugh. My knees have fully buckled once or twice.

This is the biggest stretch. This is the one that is absolutely only there if you've already decided to read entire novels between the lines. It's also not even necessary for the broader headcanon; plenty of people have narcolepsy without cataplexy (or such mild cataplexy that it's never noticeable, or very delayed onset, etc).

However. I am doing this for fun. So I want him to have it. It's also become a major part of how I imagine Moist engaging with emotion, and I'd like to make a case for that.

There are a few scattered references to Moist's legs shaking, or being unsteady, or outright giving way, but there's usually an external physical reason, and/or enough psychological shock to justify it without a medical condition.

The most compelling example I've found so far comes from Moist and Adora's conversation about people expecting Moist to deliver letters to the gods.

"I never promised to—"

"You promised to when you sold them the stamps!"

Moist almost fell off his chair. She'd wielded the sentence like a fist.

"And it'll give them hope," she added, rather more quietly.

"False hope," said Moist, struggling upright.

"Almost fell off his chair" at first sounds like casual hyperbole, but then "struggling upright" implies it was a bit more literal. It's also an accurate description of me recovering from my more severe attacks, supporting myself on a wall or my spouse, or pushing myself up if I've fallen over in bed.

That happens to me multiple times per day, by the way. It doesn't bother me, and I didn't realize there was anything unusual about it for a long time. I barely think about it, except to fondly note that my spouse is good at making me laugh.

Which is to say, even severe cataplexy is not always noticeable or debilitating. Sometimes it absolutely is! It can be downright dangerous, depending on where you are, what you're doing, and whether you have any other conditions it might exacerbate. I don't want to undermine that.

I am just hell-bent on justifying the idea that this fictional character could have repeated attacks throughout the canonical narrative that are so routine they don't merit an explanation, or even a description. Especially for someone who is used to hiding his few distinguishing features behind false ones that are much more memorable. (See also.)

(That link goes to my own fanfic. Sorry.)

On the milder side, between Going Postal and Making Money, there are three instances of Moist's mouth "dropping open" when he's shocked, upset, confused, or some combination of the three. This is the kind of thing that shows up a lot in fiction, but rarely happens so literally in real life.

(There's technically a fourth instance, but I'm not counting it because it seems to be a deliberate choice on his part to convey surprise.)

And then there's laughter. Or rather, there isn't. I could be missing something, but I've searched all three books for instances of laughter and various synonyms (not counting spoken "Ha!"s), and what I've come up with is:

Moist laughs once in Going Postal, when he receives the assignment for the race to Genua.

Two packages were handed over. Moist undid his, and burst out laughing.

There's also an instance earlier in the book where Moist nearly "burst[s] out laughing."

I find the specifics here interesting, and, for our purposes, fortuitous. Cataplexy is complicated and presents differently for everyone. In my case, when laughter triggers an attack, one of the effects (which is sometimes also a cause) is that I laugh very hard, with little or no control. "Burst out laughing" is quite apt.

Let's move on to Making Money, and start with a quick tangent:

Mr. Bent explains that he has no sense of humor due to a medical condition, and that he isn't upset about this and doesn't understand why people feel sorry for him.

Moist immediately starts in with "Have you tried—" before getting cut off by the frustrated Bent.

Out-of-universe, "Have you tried" is such a well-known refrain to anyone with an incurable condition, I'm not at all surprised to find it in a book written by someone who had at least begun the process that would lead to a diagnosis of early-onset Alzheimer's. And Pratchett has certainly never shied away from portraying ignorance in his protagonists.

In-universe, it feels a little odd. Moist's tongue runs away from him all the time, but usually in the form of making ridiculous claims or impossible promises. Moist's entire stock-in-trade is People Skills, and it feels strange for him to make this kind of mistake immediately after being told Mr. Bent is not looking for solutions.

But if one were reading with, for instance, the idea in mind that Moist himself has an incurable condition related to laughter and is enthusiastic about, but still relatively new to, the practice of drawing on his own experiences to help people... it is easy to imagine the gears in his head turning the wrong way, superimposing those experiences over the tail end of Mr. Bent's explanation. Disabled people are not immune to these well-meaning pitfalls.

There is another Mr. Bent moment that I want to discuss, but we'll circle back around to it later.

I found two instances of Moist himself laughing in MM.

1. "He said it with a laugh, to lighten the mood a little."

This is deliberate laughter, employed as a social tactic. A polite chuckle, probably. Not the sort of thing that generally triggers cataplexy.

2. "Moist started to laugh, and stopped at the sight of her grave expression."

The first and only involuntary laugh in MM. It doesn't always trigger attacks...

Which brings us to Raising Steam. Compared to the first two books, Moist laughs a lot here. I count nine instances. Two of them are "burst out laughing"s, a couple include him as part of a group, some of it comes off as deliberate, and some of it doesn't.

I've always seen a lot of... rage in Raising Steam. Combing through it for laughter, I realized Moist's emotions in general are much closer to the surface here, and he's much less concerned about letting people see them. He laughs with friends and acquaintances, he cries in front of strangers, he shouts at Harry King, he has that entire conversation with Dick that boils down to "I'm very worried about you," etc.

Opinions vary wildly and sharply on Raising Steam. I have my own hangups with it, as I do with most books in the series. (Every time I make a new Discworld post, Tumblr passive-aggressively suggests the tag "my kingdom for a discworld character who is normal about women and other species.")

But I like this particular change in Moist, and I choose to see it as character development. He's trading in the professional detachment of a conman for the ability to grow into himself as a person and make meaningful connections.

So, what does that have to do with cataplexy? A lot.

I don't want to get too maudlin, so I'll just say I have plenty of personal experience with emotional repression masking cataplexy symptoms. And so, I believe, does the version of Moist we've put together over the course of this post.

Which brings us back to Making Money, and Mr. Bent. He says something about Moist that I find very interesting: "I do not trust those who laugh too easily."

Unless I've missed something, at that point in the book, Moist has never actually laughed in front of him. And Mr. Bent is a man who pays very close attention to details.

So, what is the in-universe explanation for this? I'd like to propose that Moist is very skilled at seeming to laugh, without actually laughing. He smiles, he's friendly, and he makes other people laugh, which is another thing Bent dislikes about him. He gives the impression of being someone who laughs a lot. (He certainly left that impression on me; I was very surprised by the lack of examples in the first two books.)

Even staying strictly within the bounds of canon, it's easy to imagine why this might have become part of Moist's camouflage in his previous life. He wasn't looking to get attached to anyone, and he didn't want anyone getting inside his head. Engaging with people genuinely enough to laugh at their jokes would run counter to both of those things, but some of his personas still needed to come off as friendly and sociable.

Still working within the canon, it makes sense to assume he's similarly distanced himself from emotion in general. He sits in a cell for several weeks without truly believing he's going to die. He's bewildered when Mr. Pump points out that his schemes have hurt innocent people. He has no idea what to do with his feelings for Adora. Etc.

Interpreting Moist as having cataplexy adds an extra element of danger. Moist thrives on danger, but there's a difference between the thrill of a con and the threat of sudden, uncontrollable displays of vulnerability. And so it becomes even easier to see him stifling his own emotional capacity.*

We meet Moist at a moment of great upheaval. He is forcibly removed from his cocoon of false identities, and pushed out into the world as himself. And we are shown and told throughout Going Postal that he does not know how to be himself. (See also.)

He is repeatedly stymied by his own emotions. He gets tongue-tied and confused around Adora, he snaps at Mr. Pump, he lashes out at Mr. Groat, he gets lost in school flashbacks when he meets Miss Maccalariat. This thread continues in Making Money, where the sudden reappearance of Cribbins immediately rattles him into making an uncharacteristic mistake.

I called him Cribbins! Just then! I called him Cribbins! Did he tell me his name? Did he notice? He must have noticed!

Later in the same book, Moist misses a crucial opportunity to run damage control on the bank's public image... because he's excited to see Adora.

The Moist of GP and MM is not used to feeling things so deeply. It throws him off his game. I'm not at all suggesting cataplexy is the only (or even primary) reason for that, but I do think there's room for it on both sides of the cause and effect equation.

With or without the cataplexy, I find Moist's relative emotional openness in Raising Steam... really nice. (It's a work in progress. He's still getting a handle on anger.)

Cataplexy just adds another dimension. A physical manifestation of emotional vulnerability, which would have been especially untenable for a teenager on the run. Just one more facet of the real, human, fallible Moist von Lipwig who spent years buried beneath Albert Spangler and all the rest.

Another piece of himself that Moist is growing to understand and accept, as he learns to more comfortably be himself.

The Moist of Going Postal runs into a burning building to save lives without fully understanding why he wants to, and justifies it on the fly as an essential part of the role he's trying to play.

The Moist of Raising Steam mindlessly throws himself under a train to save two children, and then blows up at Harry King about the lack of safety regulations. Freshly traumatized by the murder of several railway workers and his own violent, vengeful response to it, he still offers, in the face of Harry's own grief, to be the one to inform their families. On a long and dangerous journey with plenty of moving parts to think about, he worries about Dick Simnel and the other engineers, and pushes them to take better care of themselves.

He also meets a bunch of kids who nearly derailed a train as part of a childish scheme. His admonishment is startlingly vivid.

"Can you imagine a railway accident? The screaming of the rails and the people inside and the explosion that scythes the countryside around when the boiler bursts? And you, little girl, and your little friends, would have done all that. Killed a trainload of people."

[...]

"I'll square this with the engine driver, but if I was you I'd get my pencil and turn any clever ideas you have like this into a book or two. Those penny dreadfuls are all the rage in the railway bookshops."

Maybe what he is also saying, between the lines, is:

I left home at 14 and began a life of smoke and mirrors. I was empty inside, and I thought everyone else was, too. It was all fun and games, and then a man made of clay told me I was killing people. Nip it in the bud, child. Write books.

------------

*There are studies suggesting that in addition to deliberately employed "tricks," people with cataplexy may experience physiological reactions in the brain meant to inhibit laughter. (Source 1, Source 2.)

Most of the information here is way over my head, but that second link also says "one region of the brain called the zona incerta (meaning 'zone of uncertainty') was only activated during laughter in people with narcolepsy, not in controls. Research on the zona incerta in animals suggests that it also helps to control fear-associated behavior."

The linked article about that (https://www.nature.com/articles/s41467-018-03581-6) is also over my head, but I would certainly describe Moist von Lipwig as having unusual fear responses.**

**Narcolepsy is a fun roller-coaster ride of constant scientific discoveries about exactly which parts of your brain are paying too much attention, not paying enough attention, or trying to eat each other.

#moist von lipwig #narcolepsy #discworld #disabled headcanons #oh my god this got so out of hand #earned itself a title AND a subtitle #mr. cybulskis i'm sorry i fell asleep in your class every day it was at the exact wrong time and temperature and lighting

[onlyherefortheshowmances]

So I saw someone else get an anon message that said: “I hate to admit this, but I really can't shake the feeling that Benji loves Victor more than Victor loves Benji at this point.” I wanted to respond as well, because I think this is something people are probably seeing a lot and I really want to explain how I’m looking at it (from personal experience and just from looking at and examining the characters).

CW/TW: Mental Health, suicidal ideation/action mention, Addiction, Emotional Trauma, sex mention, Predatory relationship mention, catholicism, homophobia, misunderstandings, lack of communication, spoilers for love victor seasons 1 & 2 [let me know if I missed anything please]

I want to be frank in saying that Benji is my favorite character and I project onto him a lot (along with seeing a lot of myself in him). I’m also white AF, so I’m sure some of you think that’s relevant, but I really don’t think it is in this particular case. I do also however identify with Victor in a number of ways and I am trying to see the characters both as complex individuals with deep personal histories. Both have suffered traumas and both are clearly dealing with a lot of their own shit on top of being sixteen/seventeen and dealing with junior year of high school and all the pressures and expectations that brings for everyone.

I think what people are interpreting at loving someone more/less is actually about prioritizing someone/a relationship more/less. In my mind, from what I see on screen and interpret, they both love each other beyond words. They are both very much in love with one another. It comes down to how they display that to each other and to the public as well as where on their list of priorities this relationship falls.

Let’s start with Victor, struggles and life:

He is dealing with internalized homophobia and associated thought-patterns stemming from his upbringing in the Catholic church as well from the vocalized homophobic remarks from his mother (toward himself and Benji as well as likely at other points in his life toward strangers), his father (stating that he hopes Adrian doesn’t turn out ‘like that’; the scene in S1 where they’re at the church in Texas and he calls the hairdresser ‘flojito’; etc.), and his grandparents (on his birthday and likely at other points in his life). As a result of this, Victor tried to make himself straight (or at least interested in a girl) by dating Mia because he did like her as a person and everyone was telling him that’s what he was supposed to do. He ended up hurting her and almost losing her friendship (temporarily, he did, but she does seem to have forgiven him now).

He is dealing with outside homophobia as well. That kid on the very first day he was Creekwood responding to Benji helping him up. Felix’s comment that same day of ‘you don’t want to give people the wrong idea.’ The basketball team/gym class guys roasting him about not hooking up with Mia on the ferris wheel. Felix saying he’d be crazy to not like Mia. Lake asking ‘are you gay or something’ when he brought Felix along to Mia’s house, etc., etc. Some of these things may seem innocent enough, but they weren’t. Not to Victor who was already struggling to accept even the possibility that he might be gay. Once he managed to come out to his parents, obviously his father got better fairly quickly, but Isabel continued to struggle for six months which put even more pressure on Victor to try to lead this double life. Once he came out at school, the whole fiasco with the basketball team also occurred and that was a lot for him, because Basketball as always his safe-space. It’s where he went to get away from all the other pressure. It was something he didn’t have to think about and now suddenly, he did. Those pressure are also affecting his ability to think about what he may want and it seems affecting his ability to think (at all sometimes) about how any of that is also affecting Benji. It’s affecting him so much that he’s basically blind to how it’s also affecting Benji to see him suffer. He doesn’t even consider that possibility until Felix brings up how hard it is for him the night Felix breaks up with Lake and Venji get caught having sex.

Victor also has struggles away from just his coming out and accepting himself journey. He has the struggles associated with his parents separation. Until fairly recently, Victor always thought his parents had a perfect relationship. He saw that as the ideal. Get together in High School, get married right away, stay together for ever, happily ever after. That’s what he was raised to expect. And now he’s seeing their relationship fall apart before his eyes. Hell, his devoutly Catholic mother had an affair, and he’s wondering if it’s really possible for your first love to be your only love especially after he and Benji start butting heads, so he’s already vulnerable to that viewpoint when Rahim brings up the possibility. He gets so lost in what’s happening to his parents and what Rahim is saying about it not usually working out that he forgets how in love he is and he sort of loses his will to fight for what he wants, because maybe it’s just doomed to fail anyway (until he sees Benji at the wedding and it sort of hits again - and then Felix’s speech thereafter, obviously). He kind of loses his way by getting caught up in the statistic improbability of your first love being the one and watching his parents’ marriage potentially fall apart and he wonders for a moment if it might be easier, if it might be better to just walk away and go toward Rahim who he seem to get along with and seems to understand the things Benji doesn’t about him, but what he fails to examine in that moment is that he’s only barely scratched the surface with Rahim and that Rahim doesn’t know him like Benji does and that every relationship has it’s ups and downs and what it always comes down to is how willing both parties are to work to make things right. How much you’re willing to step into the other person’s shoes and try to understand. In my opinion, even if he were to walk away from Benji and go to Rahim, that bubble of understanding isn’t going to last forever either. He’s failing to remember that when he got together with Benji (and for most of the summer it seems) that’s exactly what it was like and failing to remember that they have grown beyond that into a deep soul-altering love for one another that deserves his time, energy, and effort and NEEDS those things to keep it going.

Now let’s talk about Victor’s priorities in life:

Victor has always been close with his family, especially his mother. The strain on that relationship is very taxing on his mental well-being. He has a hard time ‘standing up to’ her or talking back to her, etc. because he loves her and he just wants their easy, close relationship back. He already overcame his own anger at her affair to get her back, but now she’s the one pulling away because of his sexuality and it’s hurting him because if he was able to forgive her for something that was actually wrong, why can’t she forgive him for something that he has no control over. So he loves his mother and his family and he hates disappointing them. He has spent most of his life fixing his family’s issues (as he explains to Simon in S1), but now he is the issue and he doesn’t know how to handle it. When in 2x1 he decides to just bring Benji over and try exposure therapy with his mom, it backfires in a big way. Even though they barely touch each other. Even though Benji just says the word boyfriend once, it’s too much for Isabel and Victor desperately wants to please. He desperately wants to not lose his mother (who has always been the person he is closest to), so that causes him to take a step back from going against her and the steps he still takes (telling her he wants her to call Benji his boyfriend not just his friend, the whole conversation outside the church, the conversation with Adrian, etc.) are things that Benji doesn’t get to see happening and it frustrated Victor that Benji won’t even listen to him when he tries to say that his mom is making progress at all, because she is so important to him and yet it seems like Benji just doesn’t even recognize or care about that. This leads him to say the thing he does at Brasstown before Benji runs out, because he assumes that it has to do with Benji being white and of course, that is part of it, but I think Victor in that moment is so overwhelmed by the rejection of his mother and now the refusal of his boyfriend to even try to understand that he snaps. He forgets all the struggles Benji has told him from his own past and he just lashes out which causes Benji to leave [more on Benji’s viewpoint of this whole thing later].

Victor also loves basketball. It’s true that in some case LGBTQIA+ individual participate in certain activities to make them seem more ‘normal’. Gay men participating in sports to seem more macho is a common one, so Benji thinking that’s why Victor plays basketball makes sense to an extend, but he never bothers to ask Victor about, only makes assumptions, and Victor feels like the fact that he actually likes sports makes him ‘not gay enough’ (see conversation with Andrew). What he’s forgetting entirely is his encounter with Bram and the gay basketball league in NYC from episode 1x8. There are many ways to be gay, and sports gays do exist and are perfectly valid. That’s not the type of gay Benji or his friends/bandmates are, but it is the type that Victor is and Benji failing to recognize that and failing to understand or even ask Victor about that drives one of many wrenches into their relationship. In episode 1x5 when Benji shows up to Victor’s first game back on the team and does the Go Grizzlies dance with the other basketball girlfriends, it definitely does a lot of help Victor realize this was just a miscommunication/misunderstanding rather than anything malicious. Basketball and his teammates continue to be a priority for him after this, but that seems to be something Benji is now capable of understanding.

Finally, Victor loves Benji. He wants to be with Benji; there is zero doubt about that. However, for Victor when he’s put on the spot (as in episode 2x8) and basically told he has to choose his mom (who has raised him and been his closest confidant and biggest supporter for his entire life) or his boyfriend (who he’s known for almost a year and been dating for six months and is helplessly in love with) it processes as an error message in his brain. He just wants everyone to get along. He’s not mad that Adrian knows that he’s gay (he’s wanted him to know for months), but he is upset that his mom is now even angrier. [see my section about Benji in this moment, for more about Isabel’s reactions as well] In his mind, telling Adrian could wait. In his mind, he was willing to go along with his mom’s requests for a while longer just to keep the peace so to speak. He didn’t want his whole life to fall apart and that’s what he thought was about to happen in that moment. That’s why he asked Benji to leave. He didn’t want to make his mom any angrier. Could he have chosen his words better? Yes. Could he have made Benji understand better? Yes. But he’s sixteen and his brain wasn’t functioning at full capacity because post-sex brain is definitely a thing and he was also looking at his mom who has already been horrible and barely able to look at him for six months, looking even angrier after he finally thought they’d made some progress after church the previous week.

So in conclusion, regarding Victor:

He loves his family (especially his mom). He loves Benji. He loves Basketball. Obviously, he’s not going to prioritize basketball over either of the human beings involved, but I think it’s important to at least note it’s importance in his life. As for Isabel vs. Benji. To Victor, these are the two most important people in his life. All he wants is to be able to love both of them and have both of them love him in return. When they are pit against each other, especially directly, it’s hard for him to make a choice. It’s hard for him to say ‘no’ to his mom and it’s hard for him to say ‘no’ to Benji, but in the moment (episode 2x8 specifically), he takes Isabel’s side, because he knows the ramifications of saying no to her and of making her even more angry that she already is are far worse than the ones for asking Benji to leave for the night. He failed to realize however, how close Benji already was to the edge and how upset he was going to be and how little he understood (or was willing to try to understand) about the situation. This is something he really needs to communicate with Benji (even though it’s not quite as important now that Isabel’s apparently come around). I think it’s important for Benji to understand that Victor values his relationship with his mother enough that it’s difficult for him to go against her without a lot of preparation and having a fully fledged reason, etc.

Now for Benji - Struggles and Life:

The obvious of course is that Benji is a sixteen/seventeen year old that’s barely a year sober and attending AA meetings regularly. Recovering from Alcoholism is difficult at any age let alone for a teenager. One of the most important factors in recovery is looking at the things that led you to drink in the first place. Looking at things that may be considered triggers and either learning to avoid those people/situations or learning healthy alternatives in those situations. I have multiple family members who are both actively drinking alcoholics as well as those in recovery. I also lost my best friend/ex-fiancé to alcoholism a few years ago, so to say I have some personal experience in this arena is putting it lightly. Benji admits to Victor in 1x7 that he used to drink a lot because he knew he was gay, but didn’t want to be. To me that whole story screamed, I’m an alcoholic and while a lot of others agreed with that opinion. I was not shocked that Victor didn’t understand that underlying truth. Those that don’t have intimate familiarity with alcoholism often do not recognize the signs (either as they happen when when they are not directly told). It is made clear in episodes 2x7 & 2x8 that Benji hates this part of himself, in fact he says as much to Victor when he arrives at his apartment late the night of his birthday. Benji has still not fully accepted that the alcoholic part of himself that attends AA meetings and drinks orange juice while his friends are drinking vodka is one and the same with the part of himself that loves Victor with all his heart. This is something I’d really like to see him reconcile and work on in season 3 and beyond. Understand that you can’t compartmentalize yourself. You are but one whole person and all facets of yourself are in fact part of the singular you. [Not accounting for those with dissociative identity disorder.] It’s not directly mentioned if he’s still struggling with urges to drink, but most if not all alcoholics do, especially when experiencing those aforementioned triggers. Seeing Benji meeting with his sponsor after the incident with Isabel/Victor is not shocking to me and if anything, that was the healthy and correct response on his part. The reason he was drinking in the first place was that he was gay and didn’t want to be (internalized and probably external homophobia) and he just experience some really intense homophobia at the hands of his boyfriend’s mom (and partially said boyfriend himself). Benji’s lack of understanding of where Isabel was coming from in episode 1x8 speaks volumes to just how traumatize Benji still is about his own experiences with homophobia. The only thing he can think about in that moment is that this woman hates me for being gay. She hates her son for being gay. Being gay isn’t okay, etc. What he doesn’t factor in is that Isabel is also devoutly Catholic. I honestly don’t think it’s the gay part of the sex that horrified her the most. The Catholic faith is also very clear on the practice of abstinence from sex (at all) prior to marriage. She would’ve responded the same way had she walked in on Victor having sex with a girl, in my opinion, but in the moment Benji’s own trauma is overriding his ability to understand that because all he can see is the homophobia. This is especially true after she calls him Victor’s friend rather than his boyfriend and that in my opinion, is why he snaps. Could he have phrased it better? Yes. Could he have said it without shouting? Yes. But he is a freshly seventeen-year-old whose brain is not functioning on all cylinders in that moment.

Sort of coupled with his alcoholism and recovery therefrom is the allusion his mother makes to ‘dark times’ following his accident. I do have suspicions that perhaps he was also struggling with mental illness, and likely continues to. Depression to the point of suicidal ideation or actions (possibly only in the form of drinking, but possibly in other forms as well). Anxiety is pretty obvious from his actions and reactions throughout the series as well. I also think he is dealing with some sort of trauma-based disorder stemming from the homophobia he experienced (especially the instance of his father taking him to strip-club). It may go as far as C-PTSD (which I myself am diagnosed with) or it maybe something less (or even more). I’m not in the habit of sticking mental health diagnoses of people (fictional or otherwise though). Dealing with these things on top of what in his eyes feels like rejection from not only Isabel, but in a way from Victor as well likely causes some very unpleasant thought patterns and the potential for thought spirals and the likely. I also see indications that he could suffer from co-dependency (whish I also have dealt with in the past), but I’m honestly not sure if that’s me projecting or if it’s actually there.

Then on top of all of that, his boyfriend who he loves more than anything in the world, tells his deepest darkest secret to someone he’s literally never met or spoken to and that said boyfriend has only known for maybe a week at best and thinks it’s no big deal. In that moment, I can 110% see why Benji requests to take a break and I feel that choice is 110% the right one to make. What is a relationship built on if not trust? Victor just destroyed most if not all of the trust Benji had in him. That doesn’t mean he stopped loving him, just that he doesn’t trust him. Love isn’t something you can turn off and on like a light switch especially not the kind these two share. I definitely think Victor has a lot of explaining to do and a lot of apologies to make. I do also think they both need to have a really long, really honest and open conversation. Benji needs to be willing to get a little vulnerable and explain why certain things are causing him so much distress, but he also needs to be willing to listen to Victor explain why he can’t simply go against his mother as Benji seems to think he should. They both really demonstrated a degree of selfishness this season along with an lack of communication and a lack of willingness to understand or even try to understand each other’s points of view and that is a recipe for disaster in any relationship.

There also exists the issue of Benji’s parents. His mother especially seems to overstep quite frequently and insert herself into his life where she was not invited or expected. I do wonder if this was always her personality or if this is something that started after Benji’s accident. I have a hunch it was likely the latter. I see indications that perhaps there was some neglect or just general indifference on his parents part as he was growing up. They clearly missed that he had started drinking heavily and that he stole his dad’s car that night. He was also evidently dating Derek for quite a while before the accident. (Derek is another section by himself though.) This not to mention the fact that his father took him to a strip club and paid for a lap dance when he was no more than sixteen if he was even that old, in an effort to turn him straight. Benji tells Victor in episode 1x7 that he and his dad used to be close and that they used to go to Dollywood on road trips and other such things, but that he’s been distant since he came out. We see from the scene where he walks in on Benji and Victor making out that he’s not vocally/outwardly homophobic, but I would not doubt that he still harbors some of those viewpoints in himself. It’s evident to me that Benji is not close to his parents (he may once have been, but at this point it’s pretty clear that he’s not anymore). Benji doesn’t have siblings to the best of our knowledge. It’s also mentioned that his nana (like a paternal grandmother) is deceased, so it’s really not clear how much contact he even has with his extended family or how much of one exists. For these reasons, in his mind, there is no circumstance where his family (especially not his parents) would take precedence of his own happiness or Victor’s. That is why it confuses/hurts/angers him that Victor doesn’t stand up to Isabel, because if the roles were reversed, he would have no problem at all telling his own mother (or father) off. He doesn’t seem to comprehend Victor’s need to keep his relationship with his mother intact. I’m very glad Isabel pointed out to him that Victor has stood up to her and risked their relationship for him, but the disconnect still lies in that Benji isn’t a fan of the fact that he didn't’ do that in his presence and that he didn’t do more.

Then there’s Derek. Derek is at least a sophomore in college in season 2 as he was clearly in college in season 1 as well. Meaning he is at least 19/20 when Benji is 16/17. They had been together for a year the previous spring (episode 1x6) which means they started dating when Benji was 15 and Derek was no younger than 18 (I think he is like at least a year older than the youngest possibility). Georgia’s age of consent is 16, and there are no ‘Romeo and Juliet’ laws in place in the state meaning it is categorically illegal for anyone 18 years of age or older to engage in sexual acts with anyone 15 years of age or younger unless they are legally wed, meaning until Benji’s 16th birthday, this relationship was illegal in general not to mention the predatory nature of someone in college dating a high school sophomore to begin with. They generally don’t prosecute if the people involved are within 4 years of each other though (which coincides with ‘Romeo and Juliet’ laws in other states) which they could’ve been within depending on Derek’s actual age and birthday. It doesn’t seem like charges were filed either way which is questionable on Benji’s parents part. Benji also tells Victor in 1x10 that Derek made him feel bad a lot of the time about the things he like and about being a romantic, we also see Derek crap all over Benji’s special anniversary date in 1x6. The toxicity of that relationship is sure to have left it’s mark on Benji and carried over into his new relationship with Victor. I also find it questionable that knowing that, Benji was shitting all over Victor’s love for basketball at one point (isn’t that exactly what he complained about Derek doing to him about his interests?), though as you see in my earlier comments, I do understand that perhaps Benji wasn't’ fully aware that Victor actually liked basketball and wasn’t just doing it to seem straight/make his dad happy/etc. I also think it’s quite confusing that Victor managed to come up with that date idea for Benji in 1x6 and then the best he could do for Benji’s birthday was champagne and sex? I’d be more than marginally hurt over that if I was Benji, to be completely fair. It is also worth it to note that Benji stayed with Derek for over a year despite all of their problems (which goes back to the possibility of co-dependency issues) and yet he was willing to break up with him just to chase after the possibility of Victor. They had already connected on so many levels even prior to that night that even the possibility of that relationship made Benji willing to leave someone he’d been with for more than a year (obviously Victor’s little speech in the hallway played a part in that).

Benji’s Priorities:

In Benji’s world, he has a few things that could be considered priorities.

Maintaining his sobriety is obviously one, but he keeps that separate from everything else. I don’t see it being held above or below anyone or anything. It’s just a completely separate thing to him (which again I feel he needs to reconcile). He was able to do that while also appeasing his friends and Victor (see episode 2x4 where he switches out his cups).

His music/band is obviously a priority, but again that’s something basic that everyone knows about and accepts. He doesn’t have choose between that and anything or anyone else that we’re shown.

Victor is his primary priority however. To him, that is the most important relationship/person in his life. He doesn’t know what he’d do without him. He says he loves that part of his life which I take to mean, he loves who he is when they’re together and not so much when they’re apart. To him, there is no question of who he would choose if there was a choice in front of him between Victor and literally anyone else (including his parents). That is why it confuses/hurts/angers him when the choice isn’t so simple for Victor when he actually has to make one between Benji and Isabel. Benji isn’t close with his parents and he doesn’t seem to understand what it is like for someone that is. Even if his parents didn’t come around right away. Even if they still may not be fully on board with everything, it didn't’ matter that much to him, because he could stand up to them because he didn’t care about destroying a relationship, because there already wasn’t much of one to begin with. This leads to him not understanding that Victor is seriously conflicted in the moments where he is made to choose between his boyfriend and his mother, because to Benji that choice is crystal clear. Again, they could really do with an honest conversation about this where Benji actually listens and tries to understand where Victor’s coming from, because right now, I think he just doesn’t quite get it. It’s clear that Isabel’s speech at Brasstown helped him to understand or at least start to, and obviously now that Isabel isn’t so much of an obstacle everything becomes a little easier, but it is still something that I really feel they need to discuss and understand about each other.

In conclusion:

Both of these boys need therapy (individual, family, and couples), and they would really benefit from a lot more open and honest communication where they both are able to speak honestly about their needs and desires as well as both being able to listen to and understand (or try to at least) one another.

#long post #this is so fucking long #text wall #i'm sorry #venji #love victor #victor salazar #benji campbell #mental health #addicition #alcohol #alcoholism #trauma #emotional trauma #homophobia #age of consent #predatory relationships #catholicism #family relationships #neglectful parents #let me know if you want me to tag anything else in this please #suicide