#but idk if that’s even readable to people lol

[padfootastic]

Saudade

You can also read it on Ao3

x

Remus knew he was a coward.

It’s why he always preferred to blend in. He couldn’t afford not to. It’s also why, to his eternal shame and regret, he’d never bothered to even question the circumstances of Sirius’s imprisonment. His betrayal.

Because he knew if he looked even slightly below the surface, it’d shatter.

(He’d shatter)

Because he wasn’t just a coward, was he. He was also helpless.

No.

Powerless.

He was powerless.

It didn’t matter if he knew Sirius was innocent, if not of the murders then definitely the betrayal (because he knew, didn't he, that Sirius Black would never—as long as he had breath in his body, magic in his veins, life in his heart—do anything to hurt James Potter. It was a fundamental truth of life. There were five exceptions to Gamp’s law of elemental transformation, the sun set in the west, and Sirius was unfailingly loyal to James. Isn’t that how it's always been?)

Because even if the truth was not what it seemed, he couldn’t do anything about it.

So he lived his lie. Didn't bother to look past the newspapers blaring the inevitability of a Black turning to the dark side. It validated his own feelings, his mistrust, his circumstances.

It was a profoundly selfish act, but it was all Remus could do.

x-x-x-x

There was…one moment when he tried, just the bare minimum, really, in hindsight but it was enough to, if not soothe, then push down the constant guilt gnawing at him.

“Mr. Lupin.” Dumbledore looked down at him through his half moon glasses. “What can I do for you?”

Remus didn’t know whether to appreciate the even tone or not. In the past month, his entire life had collapsed around him. He’d gone from being part of a whole, one of four, to completely alone. Even putting one step in front of the other was getting too much for him and on some days, he forewent even that small action. Laying in bed, contemplating his entire life and how it went so wrong in less time than it took to blink—that was all he had the energy for these days.

So to hear Professor Dumbledore refer to him like that, almost pleasantly, as if they were still back in school and Remus had just bumped into him in the corridor—it was equal parts relieving and maddening.

He chose to ignore that for now, though. He had enough going on without discovering new things to be bothered about. Not like he had the energy for it, either.

“Headmaster, I—“ Remus gulped nervously. Now that he was here, it felt much more daunting than he could have imagined. What would he even say?

“Yes?”

Remus took a shaky breath and tried again. “Professor, are you—is it completely without doubt that Sirius—“ He couldn’t finish the sentence but he knew the other man understood what he was trying to say.

“Mr. Lupin…Remus,” Dumbledore started gently, and already Remus was regretting this little excursion. “I know the past month can’t have been easy for you. I wouldn’t even presume to understand how bad it must’ve been. None of us thought that Mr. Black could…” He trailed off, eyes staring at a door behind Remus. He didn’t think he’d imagined the sadness that flashed in his eyes, a meagre reflection of his own agony.

It was only a momentary slip, though, as his eyes hardened and steel coated his next words. “But what’s done is done, despite the tragedy of it all. Mr. Black made his choice, and now it is time for you to do the same.” He gave a sad smile, a damning one that spoke of his finality in the matter. “It is always harder to be the one left behind, Mr. Lupin, and your fate is one I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. I can only hope that you find the strength I know you have in you, and use it to move on from this episode.”

Remus could only sit there, stunned and numb and feeling like his skin was tearing itself apart from the inside, the way it did on full moons except worse.

An episode, Dumbledore said, as if he wasn’t talking about his family, his entire life. As if this was a schoolyard skirmish, an encore of that horrid ‘prank’ in fifth year, one he could forget if he so wished to. As if it was that easy to carve away the parts of himself that were entwined with the rest of his brothers (which made up most of him— mind, body, soul, and magic). As if he would even want to.

Remus didn’t try again after that, not with Dumbledore and definitely not with anyone else. If the man who was their leader seemed so sure, then who was Remus to go against his word?

(He’d never regretted anything more in his life, perhaps with the exception of the belief that caused this in the first place)

x-x-x-x

They didn’t talk about it.

At first, there was the whole thing with Pettigrew and being on the run and everything that came with it. Once that got sorted, though, there was no excuse other than it was easy.

Easy to ignore the ache in his heart when the distance between them reared it’s ugly head.

Easy to turn away when he saw the way Molly and Dumbledore treated Sirius in his own house, because isn’t that what he’d been doing so far?

Easy to stay away, altogether.

Sirius never brought it up either. Perhaps on purpose, too, because the pain in his eyes never lessened. Remus could pick out multiple instances where he opened his mouth to say something before abruptly shutting down.

That was another difference. Pre-azkaban Sirius wouldn’t have hesitated like that, not with Remus.

It only drove the knife further in. But did he have anyone to blame but himself?

It was just after Hogwarts had closed. Harry, who’d finished his fifth year, had gone back to the Dursleys but not for long because in a turn of events no one could have predicted, Sirius’ case had completely upended itself in the aftermath of the DoM debacle. Remus still didn’t like to think about it, how close he—they’d come to losing Sirius (again) and how it was only sheer dumb luck—a rock that made him stumble sideways instead of back—that saved him from falling into the Veil.

Perhaps the only positive of the evening was the Minister seeing Sirius Black fighting unequivocally for the Light and against the Death Eaters. In Remus’ opinion, it would be quite some time before anyone forgot the image of escaped inmate Sirius Black laughing at Bellatrix Lestrange in a strange parody of his actions fifteen years ago. The cold laughter juxtaposed with the deadly spells he’d been aiming at his cousin was enough to stun everyone not in the know and that was how an enquiry had been conducted into the case, leading to where they were today.

Remus, however, had spent every minute he could hiding away, even more than before. He couldn’t bear to show his face at Grimmauld Place—the idea of seeing Sirius actually sent a wave of shivers down his spine.

But, as he’d always known, his time did run out.

x-x-x-x

“So are we talking about this then?” Sirius’ voice is tired, perpetually exhausted as it seems to be these days.

They were sitting at the dining table, cups of tea long gone cold in their hands. It was the first time in months Remus has allowed himself to be in the same room as Sirius (it shouldn’t be like this. it never was before. how did it all go so wrong) and the other man wasn’t stupid. Even if Remus hadn’t initiated the conversation, he knew they’d have it. Of course it was Sirius who poked the sleeping dragon. He had always been the braver of the two. Of course, if it was a competition, then James Potter would’ve come leagues ahead of either of them, his passion and intensity unmatched.

(But James isn’t here right now and that’s really the cause of half their problems, is it not?)

Sirius was…quieter, more focused, but plenty brave enough. If Remus allowed himself to think about it, it’s no surprise he brought it up first. In fact, it’s more surprising that he hadn’t so far.

Still. “Talk about what?” he regrets the words almost as soon as they slip out of his mouth. Sirius only looks at him steadily.

Of course he knows what this is about but it’s easier to cling to what you’ve been hiding behind all this while, is it not? But is it fair, to him? More importantly, is it fair to Sirius? Does he not deserve an honest answer, an honest friend?

It’s that which pushes him to try again.

“I-I didn’t mean that.”

“Sure you did, Remus.”

“Alright,” he amended. “I shouldn’t have meant that.” And that at least is true. It gets a wry smile out of Sirius.

“There’s a lot I shouldn’t have done,” he continued, which neatly drives the mirth away. Remus looked down, at his fingers, the bitten down nails and ink stains, so he didn’t have to stare into the consequences of his actions.

‘I should—apologise.”

“Do you want to?”

His head snapped up, the sting of the comment settling under his skin like an itch. How could he think—? One look at Sirius’ face, however, devoid of any malice or cruelty, and the indignant feeling in him dies out as quickly as it rose.

It was a fair question. He hated the fact but couldn’t deny it.

How would Sirius know about the hundreds of hours he’d spent screaming and crying and begging someone, anyone to turn back time, to make things better, to give him a second chance?

Sirius couldn’t know about the time Remus hadn’t been able to get out of his house for seven months, two weeks, sixteen days straight, surviving only on dry crackers and tepid tea and stale bread and feeling guilty for doing so. He’d spent the entire time staring blankly at the sickly green wall of his bedroom, living in a haunting loop of his memories and wishing he was back in them.

Sirius hadn’t seen any of that.

(Would it have made a difference, if he had, Remus thinks. They weren’t indicative of anything but his own guilt, certainly didn’t stem from any moral conviction in Sirius—and what value did it have for someone who was being tortured day and night? living with the knowledge that he’d been left behind without so much as a second thought?)

It’s not something he’s thought about before—in those fantasies where everything is as it was before. Sirius apologises, Remus apologises, they hug it out and it’ll all be better again—but now, now he can’t help but wonder about the efficacy of platitudes.

He hated Sirius’ matter of fact resignation even more, like there was no other way for Remus to react except defensively. (It wasn’t always like this. The Marauders, James & Sirius, they’d always been his biggest believers. They’d made him capable of touching the sky and the stars and everything in between and Remus has been untethered ever since that fateful halloween. There was a time, when anyone expecting any less of Remus—even himself—than they should would’ve gotten all of Sirius’ hackles raised—‘our Moony’s worth a dozen of you and you should only be so lucky to get to see that’—so it stung particularly bitterly when it was the same man expressing this apathy.

The juxtaposition of the two Sirius’ in his head was enough to give Remus a headache at the best of times, let alone now.

So he takes a deep breath, lets the feeling wash away, and nods.

“You don’t have any reason to believe me, and I don’t blame you for it, but I do. Want to, that is.”

Sirius didn’t reply but Remus continued, undeterred.

“I didn’t for a long time. I didn’t want to, not at all. Because it would be my fault, you know? And I was so tired, Sirius, god. I was exhausted trying to keep up this pretense. I just needed to get the burden off.”

Sirius just looked at him, silent. Remus could see the way his eyes flick around the room, however, and how his fingers trembled ever so slightly. He might’ve been out of Azkaban but the signs would last a long time.

“What made you change your mind, then?” There's a note of curiosity in Sirius’ voice and Remus cannot articulate the relief that fills him at hearing it. Anything, even anger or blame, was better than that bland apathy that made his skin itch.

The question itself makes him pause, however. Because he’s guilty, nay, he’s ashamed of the answer he’s about to give. He contemplated shutting up, or perhaps leaving the room altogether, and it takes longer than it should for him to banish the thought.

“Remus?” Sirius asked again and it’s the knowing look in his eyes that made him close his eyes in defeat. He should’ve known he couldn’t have avoided this. This was a man who knew him better than anyone else who’s alive right now—how could he ever have thought he’d be able to hide things from him?

So he takes a deep, fortifying breath. Releases it slowly, grounding himself in the process.

“When I came to Hogwarts.”

“The time I broke out?

Remus tilts his head in the barest hint of confirmation. Sirius nods like he’d expected that.

Again, Remus wanted to be offended—but how could he?

“How’d you—“

—know?” Sirius finished. Remus nodded, a sharp, jagged thing that’s barely an answer.

Sirius smiled ruefully. It looked wrong on him, like a shirt stretched out and shrunk back down with a charm. “Because I know you, Remus. And though it hurt, I always knew you didn’t believe in me, at least not at the end there.

I’ve had nothing but time all this while. Time to think, to wonder where it all went wrong, what I could’ve done—time even to curse James out,” he lets out a hollow chuckle at that, one that Remus echoes because just the idea of Sirius cursing at James is so absurd, there’s nothing you can do but laugh at it, morbid though it may be in the moment.

“And the only thing I can think of is how bad we messed up. I don’t— you know the worst part about this, Remus?” Sirius asks, in his tired, broken voice. Just hearing it makes him want to flinch and hide away. Instead, he brings himself to give another shaky nod.

“I wouldn’t have cared one bit if you’d thought I was a mass murderer. Hell, even being a Death Eater could be believable under the right circumstances and you were away so long, I wouldn’t have blamed you if you’d entertained the thought.”

Remus waited for the ‘but’ with his heart in his mouth, tasting ash and regret and guilt. He knew what was about to come, had wondered the same thing hundreds of times, going round and round in circles with no relief to be found.

“But how could you ever, even just for a second let alone 12 years, think I could do that to Ja—“ here, his voice broke, unable to even finish the name. Sirius’ trembling hands clenched into fists, hard enough that he could see the knuckles losing color. The words were just as devastating as he could have imagined, if not more. Coming from another’s mouth and not just whirling in his thoughts, it seemed even more damning in the light of day.

And that was just it, wasn’t it. It was this that confirmed what Remus had known from the moment he’d been made aware of Sirius’ innocence.

There would be no forgiveness here. The most he could hope for was closure, perhaps a chance to clear the air, as it were, and that was only if Sirius was feeling merciful. Which, when it came to James, he seldom did. Remus would know; he’d seen the aftermath of what happened to those who dared touch James Potter.

And Remus? Ne hadn’t just hurt Sirius—that was almost inconsequential in the larger scheme of things—no, Remus’ biggest mistake was besmirching the legacy, the honor of James Potter.

Sirius had destroyed people for far less.

It was this realisation that weighed heavy on him, head bowing until his chin touched his chest, unable to hold it up anymore, not knowing what to say and unsure whether he should.

“I can forgive you almost anything, Remus, you know that. I wouldn’t have cared one whit about anything else but that you could think that—that anyone who knew us could—it was that, more than the dementors, more than the crazed prisoners, more than the taunts and insults and torture, that’s what almost broke me in Azkaban.”

A sob broke out from Remus’ chest, ugly and desperate and entirely unfair on his part. Sirius didn’t need his guilt, nor his despair. Remus didn't deserve to be unhappy in front of him. He had made his own bed and now he was to lie in it. He couldn’t even be happy about the hint of steel he could hear underlying Sirius’ words, a faint echo of his past self. Because the implications it held for him were devastating. Remus knew he wouldn’t lose Sirius completely—they had too much history for that, but he’d lose everything that made Sirius him. He’d been spoiled, allowed into the small, small circle of people Sirius truly let in, and he knew there would be no going back. There would be perfect civility, and amicable conversations, but he’d never have his Sirius back. He’d get the Sirius Black the rest of the world saw, the one with the impeccable masks, who was always in control—but not Padfoot, never Padfoot anymore.

And that was to be his penance.

“I am—I truly am sorry, Sirius. You’d never know how much. I just—I couldn’t—I don’t think I’ve taken one full breath since that night, everything was too fast and I couldn’t think and I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t used to being alone anymore,” he said, leaning forward desperately, wanting to explain (not justify, never justify), not wanting Sirius to leave thinking this was—this was what Remus wanted. because he didn't, never could’ve imagined things ending up like this.

It was almost humbling, this ignoble end of the Marauders. They’d considered themselves untouchable, rulers of the world, sitting atop a throne only they could see. So many promises, a seemingly unbreakable bond, the best of the best.

And look at them now.

All of them in varying stages of decay, dead and dying.

“And I know, dammit I know that doesn’t count for shite. But please, I just—you have to know—“ his hands pressed together, pleading, as the words came out in a defeated plea, “I never meant for it to be like this.”

“The worst part of that,” Sirius smiled, small and broken and not even worth a shadow of his usual brilliance. “is that I know you mean that, Remus. I believe it too.”

A second passed, then two, before he delivered the final blow.

“I just wish you’d fought for us the way we had for you.”

#sirius black #remus lupin #james potter #he’s not here in person but he’s mentioned enough to be an imo character #but then when is he not when it comes to me #i edited the whole thing and added punctuation + capitalisation and lowkey prefer the og raw unedited one lol #it felt more fitting to this style of writing #but idk if that’s even readable to people lol #so we gotsa make lil creative sacrifices #please read and tell me what u think!!! #very desperate here. basically biting off the last of my fingernails #gonna be anxiously looking at all my notifs lmao #gimme feedback ok? #i wanna know what remus fans think tbh #yes yes im being v annoying and v greedy but. let me have this. pls. #i have—so many thoughts about this that i’ve held myself back from adding #bc i didn’t wanna tell too much #or add unnecessary shit just bc my brian wouldn’t stop #but i don’t think i can stop talking about this if anyone wants to lol #ok that’s enough of me now have fun! #pen’s writing

[zmediaoutlet]

Survey results time.

At time of downloading the data we got just over 300 responses, which is not bad for a survey that was long and complicated to take! I'm sure my shamelessness helped. Being a survey for a specific crowd, we also didn't get anyone (as far as I could tell) taking the survey in bad faith, which is a legit surprise. Special shout-out to the several people who, when asked to write literally anything to say they understood what was going on, wrote "literally anything"; additional shout-out to the person who wrote "penus and hole" (sic). You get it, anonymous person.

I'm going to share the top results for the questions here, but I'll also include the raw data as a sheet at the end in case anyone wants to actually go through it with a fine-tooth comb. This is not a survey where cute pie charts or graphs would be useful or readable, so get ready for some sweet-ass numbers:

Story Genre

Unsurprisingly, our leaderboard for most favorite story genre in the 'Anytime!' category is as follows:

Hurt/comfort (153 votes)

Angst (142 votes)

PWP (139 votes)

We just like the guys to get the shit beaten out of them, angstily, and then they can feel better by jerking off about it. The ideal evening.

The big loser in genre, with 34 buds flat out saying "not for me", was Dark!fic. That said, Dark!fic also got 112 votes (third highest) for "has to be JUST right," so we can probably take from there that while as a group we don't hate dark content, we have pretty strict definitions for a) what counts as dark, and b) what kind of dark we're willing to take.

Gencest/gen was arguably the most 'eh, idk?' of the genres, with respectable showings in every category from Anytime to No; most people don't hate it, but people aren't really seeking it out either. It's definitely There.

Story Setting

The winner of most 'Anytime!' votes for story setting is close to my heart; the podium is:

Bunker era (142 votes)

Canon-close, codas, etc (129 votes)

Pre-series/weechesters (126 votes)

It feels good to know that canon is on our side. This may help explain why various alternate universe settings didn't do so hot with the respondents -- the least fave according to this survey is an age!swap AU, followed by a raised apart!AU. Writers who are making Sam the big brother who lives in Cleveland while baby Dean lives in Seattle, you keep living your truth, but readers are rearing back.

That being said, while Canon Divergence isn't an overall winner, it has a full 149 votes in the 'Dig it' category; so, while we may generally prefer canon, we're willing to be led on a garden path away from it. We just want canon to be within shouting distance, at least.

Canonical Character Variants

Here's where the survey gets more complex. I've always been interested in how and why people are fandoming about things, and simple 'yes/no' surveys rarely dig into that meat. The point of the superego/ego/id separation is to really interrogate -- hey, do you like to read about (for example) soulless!Sam because you find it interesting on a high-minded level, or because your heart-strings are getting tugged even if you think it's kinda dumb, or just because it makes you so hornt-up you can't think straight? All are valid, and all are possible simultaneously, but it's interesting to prod at to see how the interest is working. You might also just be like, eh, it's fine, or GOD, STOP, and that's fine too. So, with all that said:

Superego winners:

demon powers!Sam (202 votes)

soulless!Sam (177 votes)

blood addict!Sam (160 votes)

Y'all like to really brain about how Sam is fucked up. I get it.

Ego winners:

Trials of Hell!Sam (186 votes)

blood addict!Sam (180 votes)

demon powers!Sam (161 votes)

Still all Sam, and no surprise that his saintly pale sleeplessness is winning the heartstrings battle.

Id winners:

demon!Dean (205 votes)

demon powers!Sam (175 votes)

blood addict!Sam (165 votes)

Again, no surprise: fandom girlies (gn) love their bad boys, lol. Soulless snuck in at #4 here with 163, presumably because working out still wearing a belt was juuuust dorky enough to kick him off the podium; #5 was Smith & Wesson at 162, probably because if they'd been left in that AU for ten more minutes they would have been fucking over the top of Dean Smith's desk. Glad we're all on the same page, there.

The nopes here were an interesting mix. In the full-on No Thank You category we had Michael!Dean and Gadreel!Sam (with 52 and 53 votes respectively) -- it would be interesting to know if that was due to dread of the storyline specifically, or just how No Bad Wrong it felt to have it happening. These two also led the 'meh' category, although they were joined on the podium of bad by Endverse!Dean (128 Meh votes), which frankly shocked me. Y'all aren't into his thigh holster? C'mon now. Sure, he murders his friends without compunction, but -- thigh holster!

Story Tropes

These ones were fascinatingly all over the place, which is exactly why I wanted to do this. Going to just run down the S/E/I podiums real quick, then 'Hard sell', then No --

Superego winners:

Outsider!POV (211)

Someone Finds Out (191)

Mental health issues (190)

Ego winners:

Mutual pining (252)

First time (242) AND Sick/injured (242)

First time in a long time (235)

Id winners:

Jealousy/possessiveness (224)

First time (218)

First time in a long time (180)

Now, part of what's interesting about these is how they fall off in other categories. Outsider POV wins handily at Superego with 211, but then drops all the way down to 92 votes at Id -- which isn't nothing, but clearly it's preferred to have a heckin' think about how other people view the incest relationship, rather than thinking it's just So Hot that people might. Similarly, while people do think it's so so hot for one brother or the other (or both!) to be possessive at 224 votes, when it comes to the superego that drops right down to 134 votes, presumably as the brain wakes up and goes RED FLAG!

Entering the land of no thank you, we shall have two anti-podiums:

Real hard sell:

Infidelity (127)

magic/powers!Dean (125)

Unrequited/no relationship upgrade (110) AND "Carver Edlund" fandom

This is a much more mixed bag. Infidelity and Unrequited are no surprise here, because it Feels Bad, Man; magic!Dean also not really a surprise, given that most of our respondents prefer being closer to canon, and Dean is very much our mundane buddy in the show as presented. (A delightful buddy, but a distinctly nonmagical one.) Carver Edlund fandom makes me laugh mostly because it's such a bananas thing to exist in the show. Sam and Dean reading big bang fics about each other? Collectively we just... don't know what to do with that. Weird.

Squick/No/Maybe one exception:

Permanent character death (140)

Infidelity (108)

Eating disorders (102)

Again, no surprise in the anti-winners of 1 or 2 here, but number 3 surprised me, personally. ED fic used to be a pretty big wedge of common tropes that people would seek out. Perhaps it's gotten less popular over the years? Or perhaps just that the people who like it REALLY like it and so chat about it out loud, while those who don't quietly bury it in sand, lo as a cat does with their leavings.

Most extreme delta in 'general interest' (whether that be S,E, or I) to 'ehh' (whether that be Hard Sell or Squick) is first time. Y'all loooove your first time.

Sexy Tropes, Vol. 1

This is where I really wanted to know if people could pull apart their interests between brain and heart and guts. Hopefully people were honest, as requested. Some of them we know are slight liar answers, because the hits on AO3 tell a story that can't be refuted -- nevertheless, here's what people were willing to admit to.

Bulletproof kink/will read any version:

Bedsharing (158)

Incest kink (139)

Size kink (133)

your friendly neighborhood survey creator is jumping up and down going 'wooo' that size kink made the podium. also I hope everyone understood that incest kink meant, like, indulging in the incest of it all via 'oh you're so totes my brother and i want to suck your dingle for that reason specifically', but I realize that could've been clearer.

Easy sell/you don't have to work hard for me to enjoy:

shameless bottom!Dean stuff (151)

switching (147)

voyeurism (138)

the first one here genuinely surprises me considering what I see getting written most often; is this a case of just not being in the right venn diagrams, or the 'easy sell' just not matching up with what people are being sold? Curiouser and curiouser.

Medium sell/not my fave, but I can see how it appeals:

bad/awkward sex (120)

phone sex (114)

in [drug/alcohol] veritas (110)

edging into awkward town in a few ways here: we don't love these, but we can see how it'd be fun. or not fun, in the case of bad sex.

Hard sell/this is unbelievable or uninteresting so you have to work hard to get me to enjoy it:

always-another-gender!AU (84)

multiple Sams or Deans (73)

genderswap (magic) (72)

so, in general, we prefer to keep the penises around and intact, but just one Sam penis and one Dean penis, please. Here, I'm interested that the volume is much lower than in the top category: maxing out at 84 hard sells compared to 158 bulletproof options means that we're willing to give more of these tropes a chance, even if they're not our faves. How accepting we are!

Squick/no/maybe one exception:

always-another-gender!AU (83)

A/B/O elements (65)

multiple Sams or Deans (51)

strong overlap with the hard sell; and, keeping in mind that people were able to choose multiple options, it's possible that some of those were identical votes. Again, please keep the penises straightforward and only two at a time. A/B/O is interesting here, especially given what we know of how well it does on AO3; while it's a big squick for a lot of people, it also has decently high votes in bulletproof/easy, averaging 82 votes. Mixed bag!

Sexy Tropes Vol. 2, Electric Boogaloo

Bulletproof kink/will read any version:

Possessive/claiming sex (129)

Marking (hickeys/bruising) (116)

Hair pulling (103)

Let's glance back up at the Id winners in the story tropes above, hmm quietly to ourselves, and move on.

Easy sell/you don't have to work hard for me to enjoy:

Marking (hickeys/bruising) (135)

Hair pulling (130)

Possessive/claiming sex (121)

Well, that's boring. So let's expand so as not to be repetitive:

4. Dub-con (116) 5. Dom/sub (113) AND Underage (113) 6. Knifeplay (107)

There we go. Pretty easy to put all of those into one fic, too.

Medium sell/not my fave, but I can see how it appeals:

Blindfolds (128)

Painplay (116)

Shibari/rope play (112)

We're starting to lose interest as accessories come into play. Interesting to compare D/s and its relative success against painplay -- so, tell him what to do, but don't hit him while you're doing it. Fair enough.

Hard sell/this is unbelievable or uninteresting so you have to work hard to get me to enjoy it:

Fucking machines (94)

Vore (80)

Mommy!kink (77)

Entertaining mix here, haha. General feasibility may be rearing its head here. (Also, for my own entertainment: daddy!kink got 67 Hard Sell votes. People generally prefer to keep it as horizontal incest, not vertical incest.)

Squick/no/maybe one exception:

Feederism (164)

Vore (161)

Extreme underage (157)

No surprises here, although some fans of the nibbly variety of wincest may be disappointed by vore's poor placement. Note also that 'extreme' is in the eye of the beholder; we'll leave aside value judgments, as we have for the whole survey, and note that people are not indulging in a version of underage they find to be personally past the line, or at least are not admitting to that.

At a glance, the closest matchup between bulletproof for some and a squick to others is bloodplay, with just 1 vote separating the two categories: 44 bulletproof, 43 squick. Next time someone tries to tell you that 'everyone' likes or doesn't like something, please take it with an entire shaker full of salt.

Dynamic & Position Preferences

I tried to encourage people not to think too hard about this one and just answer on instinct. Who knows if that worked. But here are some overview takes:

Toppy/dominant: Sam takes the lead here, with 69% of respondents being in the 'Love it!' category. Nice. (217 votes)

Dom Dean earned a respectable 52% of 'Love it!' votes (163).

However, I was also interested to check out the inverse --

subby!Sam: 44 'Very no thank' votes (13%) subby!Dean: 27 'Very no thank' votes (8%)

It's interesting to leap way back up and compare that against 'shameless bottom!Dean stuff' doing so well in the rated E categories. Makes you ponder.

Actual sex position: Frequently switching takes the win here, with 61% of the vote (194 votes). Sam always topping edges out if people must choose, with 144 votes; Dean always topping is our lowest choice, with 112.

Service!topping: this is a fairly niche fic type, but it does still exist -- I guess in a world of bottoms someone's got to actually get up and do something, and it is hilariously an almost perfectly even split:

service!top Sam: 50.17% (151 votes) service!top Dean: 51.50% (155 votes)

A healthy percentage of people said they didn't care about these questions either way, and more power to them. However, they were wildly outvoted by those who did.

Multishipping Time

Our final categories are when other people get their grubby hands on Sam or Dean, either canonically(ish) or in our fandom activities.

Canonical relationships for Sam

Jess wins, quelle surprise. :) 161 people Dug It and who can blame them.

Amelia LOSES, shocking no one: 112 people said Fuck That.

Eileen was definitely a mixed bag; her results, in order, were: Meh: 92; Fuck that: 76; Worse than meh: 66; Dug it: 44.

Canonical(ish) relationships for Dean

Note here: it was too unbalanced if we only went with people Dean officially dated. However, the show leaned hard into a few unrequited male relationships for him, which we included here, and no one sent me hate about it so I guess that was fine.

Benny wins the Love It! category with 129 votes, barely edging out Cassie at 122. Benny is best boy, so that fits.

Cas loses with a full 99 Fuck That votes, which is probably what we'd expect from a wincest survey. That said, he also got 93 Dug It votes, so it's a pretty balanced showing.

Poor Lisa sits firmly at Meh with 148 votes. It's not that we hate you, Lisa; we just don't really know what to do with you. Which is pretty much how the relationship went in the show.

Shipping Sam like FedEx

We returned to the S/E/I model for shipping as we did for tropes, because it means something very different to go 'oh sure, I can see how that would be interesting' vs saying 'I want them to fuck rawnasty and I don't care why they're doing it.' Apologies if I left out your favorite side-ship but, shit, there's only so much time in the day.

So, we return to the podiums:

Superego:

Ruby (132)

Rowena (121)

Cas (102)

Ego:

Rowena (121)

Cas (106)

Ruby (90)

Id:

Ruby (125)

John (121)

Rowena (118)

So that was going on sedately until Dad came in like a hammer. Fascinating. On the other hand:

No:

Lisa (234)

Donna (222)

Claire (219)

Interesting to me that these three are ladies that Sam theoretically could have got up in but people are not into it, regardless. This is slightly different to Dean's 'no' category -- spoilers for three inches of screen space!

Dean, Shipped by UPS

Superego:

John (129)

Benny (115)

Lisa (99)

Ego:

Benny (134)

John (116)

Lisa (102)

Id:

John (147)

Benny (128)

Crowley (114)

Well. That tells a slightly different story, ahem. Enjoy the various tropes that will be applied, Dean! And then we get:

No:

Amelia (245)

Kevin (223)

Gabriel (217)

Comparing to the Sam 'no' above -- these three are slightly more 'traditional' Sam ships, though the wincest shippers are nevertheless not into them for Sam, either. Dean literally never spoke to or saw Amelia on screen, so it'd be a determined shipper who'd make that happen. Not undoable, though!

Conclusion

Syke: there isn't one to be made. This really shows how diverse the taste is in the wincest community, or at least in the wincest community that a) happened to see this survey over the last five days and b) bothered to take it. This particular group leans slightly toward e.g. toppy Sam, or slightly toward switching, but when you look at raw numbers what you see is that at least one person LOVES every single one of these things, and at least one person fucking HATES every single one of these things, and so -- so what? Write what you want. If you see a niche of something that you love where you feel like not enough people are writing or reading, try to fill it. If you're worried "no one" will like it, well -- you're wrong. Someone will. It just needs to get seen by the right people.

That's where fandom comes in, to spread the love even if something isn't bulletproof for us -- reblogging a post to say, 'hey, my mutual made this thing, look at it!' What a joy it'd be if someone saw it and loved it to absolute shattering bits, and then found their little bulletproof community, and happiness was made. What's the point, if we're not making each other happy.

Thanks for participating if you did, and reading all this if you did. Here's a link to a google sheet (read only) with all the tables of raw data if you're interested. I'll post some of the more entertaining fill-in answers later.

s&d shipping survey results: November 1, 2023 - Google Sheets

#happy wincest wednesday #wincest #survey results #warning this is really long lol #but thanks for doing the thing <3

[rzyraffek]

OH OH REQUEST IDEA....TAKING SLASHERS HOME TO MEET YOUR PARENTS BECAUSE THATS LIKW SUPER SMART

Billy Micheal and Jason are the only ones i care about but you can add whoever

Omg hi!! Thanks for request!

They/them, sfw and request open

Slashers meeting s/o perents

Billy Lenz

Why would you do that

No fr why would anyone think this was good idea

Guy cant say a sentence without swear words or weird sex jokes😭

But fr billy will be so nervous!! Lil baby doesn't know how to behave!

S/o has to give him tutorial how to act like normal human and not 3rats in trench coat

Perents will be... alarmed to say the least... like really?? You could pick anyone but you picked oversized goblin?? Wow s/o

If s/o has younger siblings, he will bite them btw

Usually perents want to have grandchildren but oh god oh no not with this guy please s/o think about it!!

Billy vibes tbh he likes s/o perents they goofy. He also ate raw pasta. All of it

He told s/o dad that he wants lego for chrismas btw

Micheal Myers

How much you drank to think thats a good idea

Soo you telling me you bf is a serial killer?

At least he won't say anything rude, and s/o perents are too intimidated to say something rude about him🥰peace

Micheal just stares really, hes harmless for now

Yes s/o mom will call them to make sure that they aren't kidnaped and this all stuff is acually consensual

Live laugh love dont get stabbed by Michael

Yall can't even eat a dinner together 😔my guy looks like npc. Like yall just sit nicley and my homie just🧍 he doesn't even eat he just looks at yall, he totally judges their outfits

Hide your pets away he might eat them. You have pet hamster? What hamster?

Jason Voorhees

Omg homeboy is stressed! What if they don't like him:((

At first their perents were intimidated by him, but s/o's mom and him got along very fast! They are baking cookies together! Also if s/o has smol siblings or animals o my god he is bff with them instantly

Their mom and him acually got along faster than s/o with jason when they met first time!

Helps with carring heavy stuff... you bought new fridge? Call up son-in-law jason to help out (s/o mom has him named like that in contacts in phone)

Perents kinda wonder where he lives, when s/o told them that he has vintage cottage in Forest they started to think that hes rich or something

S/o perents already hope that yall get married

Asa emory

My dude bought suit for that appointment

He promised not to talk about skinning people while yall are eating dinner. He is so dreamy

Got along very well with s/o's dad, they are talking about fishing or something idk what dads are into lol

Almost fell asleep when their mom was talking

I WANTED TO WRITE " when their mom was talking about that she wants grandchildren" BUT ITS SOUNDS WAY FUNNIER THAT WAY

He was scared to eat dinner, it looked.... suspicious... he never trusted cheesy lasagna

Anyways Asa and their dad are besties now, they will go fishing next week

He cried in car after meeting "S/O IM NEVER GOING THERE AGAIN IT WAS SCARY IF I HEAR YOUR MOM SAY ANYRGING ABOUT GRANDCHILDREN AGAIN IM GOING TO DOX HER SO HARD SHE WONT EVEN HAVE OPPORTUNITY TO SEE THEM"

I didnt write any headcanons for few weeks i hope it was good or at least readable

#slasher x reader #slasher headcanons #billy lenz #billy lenz x reader #jason vorhees headcanon #jason vorhees imagine #jason voorhees #jason vorhees x reader #micheal myers x you #micheal myers headcanons #micheal myers x reader #asa emory #asa emory x reader #asa x reader #the collector x reader #the collector #micheal myers

[slexenskee]

hello!! i was rereading mdnsy and started wondering why you always use 'gojo' instead of satoru while naming him in his own pov. is there a reason for it?

sorry I'm not answering this privately but I do get asked this a lot so I figured it's better to just keep it out there 😅

A bunch of reasons swinging from random preference, literary/readability, and plot/characterization. Preference - idk for whatever reason A LOT of jjk fics refer to him exclusively as Gojo. I think that's bc a lot of them have him as a mc but its not from his POV, or its someone else's (usually Yuuji). I got into the habit of referring to him as Gojo in my head after reading it so much lol.

Which kinda leads me into Plot - that kinda stuck with me and in the end I ended up characterizing Gojo in my head as someone who has outrageously uncontrolled and untreated identity issues lmao. He was literally born as some fated sorcerer and his entire personal identity was intrinsically tied to being the Six Eyes holder. No one in his life looked at him as 'Satoru', he was always the Gojo heir and the Six Eyes holder. From a young age that's how he saw himself - reinforced by the fact I imagine he was probably almost always referred to as 'young master Gojo' by everyone in his life. He doesn't seem to have any kind of relationship with his parents in canon, so idk honestly who in his life would have been close enough to call him Satoru, at least not until high school. So Gojo himself doesn't even see himself as Satoru. Frankly if he had to pick a 'persona' that he truly identifies with, it would be his title 'The Honored One', but the weight of using just 'Gojo' with all its history and legacy (six eyes, clan, etc) is a close second.

This is also why he has no issue going from Touya, Dabi, Six Eyes, Satoru, and Ru-kun interchangeably in the story. They're all both aspects of his identity and also not really titles he identifies with at all, so he doesn't really care what people call him.

!!! ok somewhat spoiler-ish, but this is an intentional plot device that is meant to change as he grows in the story and starts to come to terms with himself as a human and not just the Gojo clan's lauded Six Eyes holder.

There's a part in one of (?) the next few chapters where he's asked directly what name he prefers, and he says 'You can call me Touya if you like, but I prefer Satoru'. A very different and more intentional response than the one he had in the last chapter where Nighteye asked what to call him and he was just like 'uhhh Six Eyes I guess since I'm here as a hero? idk lol'

Eventually he'll finally get to the point where he stops seeing himself as just the living avatar of the 'Honored One/current Six Eyes holder' and actually as Satoru, the person. Buuttttt idk if I'll ever stop calling him Gojo in his POV though, for the reason below ~

As for readability and a literary device - there are so many POVs in this fic and all of them call Gojo something different: Dabi for most, Touya for Fuyumi/Natsuo, Ru-kun for Katsuki, Satoru for Yui/the band, Six Eyes thrown in every once in a while. And all those POVs will change what they refer to him as depending on context, like sometimes Hawks thinks of him as Satoru, other times as Dabi. I wanted Gojo's POV to be very obviously removed from all his various names. Gojo's POV is the only POV where he's referred to by one name only.

#fic may death never stop you #ask #mdnsy asks #mdnsy faq

[tonks-21]

hey bestie! Dropping by to be your first ask!

kinda been thinking about a skz member one shot (its either chan, binnie or minho vibes for me but choose anyone you think matches lol)

flirty rivals + dancing…???

IDK I LOVE THE TROPE AND IT WORKS

use it as you will

P.S. (I wouldn’t be mad if you drop by my pfp yk… ;))

Crushing with you | Rivals (more like crushes) to lovers | Stray Kids

TW: +18, teasing

Content: fluff, slice of life, relationship, teasing

Wordcount: +1.100 words

Reader: fem reader

You were taking a break from training your seventeenth comeback. You were prettily alone as you had watched for an empty room to just let your mind go away from the pressure with the music you loved just playing in your airPods and you letting the learnt dance flow into your body.

You let a huge breath out and with the sound of insisting in your head “Just one more time”, you started the sequence once again. You had the music so loud, concentrated even with your eyes closed and you already had such a trained special perception that you could spend hours repeating the steps and you wouldn't bump into anything. But it seemed that something bumped or crushed you instead.

"Oh, I’m sorry, I will... get… out" a masculine voice flooded the entire crystal-wall room. But, as you didn’t hear him, he didn’t go out either. 

His arm remained extended and his hand grabbed on the knob as he was paralyzed admiring you. If you just opened your eyes, you’d see his opened eyes and his surprised and delighted expression.

Yeah, this man was enamored by your way of dancing. So perfect, so delightful to his eyes. His chest experienced a well known love tachycardia but he wasn’t bothered, as he could see you this way.

That paralyzed he was, that he didn’t notice Han passing behind him heading to the dorms. A smile painted into his face by seeing his hyung getting to life this soft moment watching his crush in such a passionate and wonderful moment. 

When realized you were done and with your eyes open, he closed the door and laid onto the door with his hands over his face.

"She was so beautiful…" he mumbled into his hands.

"What the hell…? "you questioned thinking you just saw a paranormal phenomenal when you saw out of the corner of your eye the reflection of the external light disappearing in contrast to the light in the room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some days before that, as some other groups were making their comebacks too, you had to share the training room with some people. You saw Bang and waved to him, but when he waved back, you saw he avoided long eye contact. But you didn’t overthink it, you were all anxious and a little nervous because of the comebacks, you may had done some, but you were always excited and worried about doing them at first.

So you landed your things in an empty place and you put your music on to relax a bit and then put on the song of the dance. 

After some tries, you got back to your things nearby and sat on the floor, drinking some wanted water and waiting for your heart rate to decrease.

You were looking at some Instagram posts and some Stray Kids publications appeared in your fyp. You were scrolling into them and you stopped without any reason in the one that Bang Chan appeared in. He was so nice in his outfit, everyone would do that, right? Yeah, but you weren’t like everyone. Another idol. With a crush on him. 

You knew it last year in one of their comebacks. You felt more than admiration towards him and when you talked to him he was so nicely and sunshine energy that you couldn't resist. You two just clicked somehow like you didn’t with anyone before.

But what you didn’t know is that he fell in love with you too. From the first very sight. And now you two don’t talk much but you aren’t avoiding each other either. So… it was just a pride game. Or a “let’s see who explodes before” type of thing. Because you two didn’t really know how to make readable hints for the other to take. You sure were flirty in jokes, but not far away from friendship at all. You two were really introverted people, with so much fear and respect for the possible consequences of this fact that you liked each other that you would not even see what the other thinks of each other.

So you were looking at that picture when your eyes made it over the phone and reached him practicing his comeback. He was just so nice. Even though it could seem aggressive dancing or a strange display as he was practicing alone, you loved to have that sight of him training (not mentioning the fact that his arms looked really good uncovered). When he finished, you instinctively got up and walked towards him.

"Hey" you told him, getting your hand up at the height of your jaw to make it clear to him that you were actually talking to him. 

When he glanced at you and got away one of his airPods he greeted you "Oh, hey there! You good?"

"Yeah… I just wanted to say it was good. The display and all" you really were a mess, not knowing what you were actually doing but wanting to keep doing it. And he loved that about you.

"Thanks" he was almost about to tell you that he was the one staring at you the other day. But he retreated.

"And I also saw your photo in the new comeback outfit. It was… so nice. I liked it, the colors fit so well with your hair and style in this new album" you said.

"Well, thanks again" he laughed softly and you trust you could have touchen the sky and told God you were in a fucking dream "Hey, I’ve just saw your too, yesterday, and I completely loved it. You looked… so beautiful with it on you" he said, reddening a bit "I-I mean you always are a-and look. But that outfit it’s so… you" he laughed at the last part, as if it didn’t have anything behind. 

"Yeah, messy, mixing colors and kind of soft texture" you described the type of fabric always suited you and made your fans yell their love towards your style “kinda badass too”

"Yeah, so cool…" he signed when he said that, as he wanted to tell you something else "Hey… You really are beautiful, you know" he finally said

"Uh? Thanks, you too" the atmosphere turned just the way two tried to avoid by clearly looking for it.

"You know … You… are kind of my case 143…" he murmured it as he didn’t want to say it out loud. As if saying it would make it real "Uh, it sounded better in my head, I promise!" he laughed of himself "so cheesy"

Yeah, it could have been cheesy, but damn if it made you fall even more in love with him. You laughed along as you pushed yourself instinctively closer to him.

"You really are a softie, aren’t you?" you whispered to him, really close to his jaw.

"Kind of. But you like me that way, Am I wrong?"he smiled widely. Finally letting all flow outside and getting that words from you made him lean into you.

"Totally, Wolfie" you said between his lips, having made the space between you two disappear.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

First time writing about this cute people we call Stray Kids , hope you enjoyed it! <3

#stray kids #bang chan #bang chan x reader #fem reader #han x reader #han #han stray kids #chang chan stray kids #ire67 #Corvey's chest #catiuskaa #fanfic #x reader #kpop #kpop x reader #stray kids comeback #stray kids x reader #stray kids comfort #stray kids x oc #stray kids x stay #corvey's chest

[st-sainz]

Sorry for the obnoxious astrology post, but had to put it out somewhere

Well, astrology has veen one of my hobbies for quite some time, and me in my charlos obsessed era of course had to bring them into it.

So, dont get me wrong, im not a birth chart reader, much less synastry. (Already saying, Sainz doesnt even has his time of birth known for the public for instance, so i could never make a full synastry chart that would help me to try to dissect them much more.)

But i went on and tried a synastry chart cause i had to, but i honestly wasnt expecting anything much from it.

Also, I want to be clear that synastry is not only about couples, but about the potential relationships between two individuals, so dont take this post seriously. i just did this for fun, curiosity, and cause i have free time :)

In fact theres nothing much to see there because knowing both their houses placements would be much better. However, theres one thing about it that immediatelly caught my eye.

First of all: in blue, its LEC and red, SAI. With that in mind, lets look at this picture:

If youre new to this: here is SAI'z venus conjunct with LEC's mercury (they are in fact pratically juxtaposed, in the 24° of libra). Not only this, but we can see LEC's has his own sun conjuct with his mercury, so, consequently, SAI's venus is conjuct with LEC's Sun too. Now this is the part i'm smiling.

So, to put it shortly: even for astrology-newbies, we know these are one of the fundamentally most important planets in astrology. Sun, Mercury and Venus. and the fact that they 3 are present in this conjunct, in a synastry, means that it makes the bond even more strong, taking an astrologic perspective.

Oversimplifying, Mercury: planet of communication/ Vênus: planet of relationships (any kind of them)/ sun: planet of the essence.

I did look it up and found some things interesting, but these are from astrology blogs and are generalized, so take everything here with a grain of salt. but i think its time to say i want to make clear that im not doing this to anything but give food for thought for people who like them and want to know out of curiosity, and not trying to insinuate anything about their personal lives that are not my business.

here are the links i found about these conjunctions:

mercury conjunct venus , second one

And some screenshots i liked:

Here for sun conjunct venus

and some selected screenshots:

Anyways, thanks for coming to my TED Talk lol

Sorry for the weird screenshots, but they are readable lol (idk if the sun/venus ones are in order, but i think you can make sense out of it

Btw, here are Carlos and Charles birth charts separetedely

#carlos sainz jr #Carlos sainz #Charles leclerc #Charlos #Astrology #Synastry #First time trying a long post dont be mad at me

[fonulyn]

20 Questions for Fic Authors

thanks for the tag @thebrandywine 💖

answers under the cut.

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

268 works.

2. What is your AO3 wordcount?

1,256,253 words.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

RE. and still have the urge to write Gears but lol if you thought nivannedy was a rare pair...

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

nobody's perfect (TOG, pretty gen)

now drunk on lust I drown in you (forever within I'm lost in you) (RE, Chreon)

and who's to find the way right through you (RE, Chreon)

scattered fragments of time (that's all we are) (RE, Chreon)

how to accidentally get adopted - a guide by Piers Nivans (RE, Piers-centric, also background Chreon)

5. Do you respond to comments?

always! i know i missed a couple, sometimes i take ages, but i do always try to respond bc i love and cherish nice comments.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

the bad endings on three words to last forever. i still like the angstiest one the most :'D

7. What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

lmao like everything else idk i want them happy. i've written loads of fluff idk how to quantify which is the happiest.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

only ever got a few nasty comments thankfully, so no, not really.

9. Do you write smut? If so, which kind?

yeppp. idk what does 'which kind' mean? anything that feels inspiring lol.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest crossover you’ve ever written?

not really. i did start a few back in the day but i didn't really finish them. i am not really into crossovers tbh i don't even read them 99% of the time.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

yeah. someone was selling it on amazon pffth.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

a few. apparently five on ao3 lol but i think there was one or two back in the lj days too. might be wrong tho :'D

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

lol loads. at one point in life like... fifteen years ago, most things i wrote were co-written with a friend. and i've done it a couple of times after that too. i really like co-op stuff tbh but haven't found people to collab with lately.

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

right now i would sell my soul for nivannedy. might already have.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

ehhhh at this moment i doubt i'll ever finish anything. maybe the lifeguard au? i was red-hot for the idea at first but then it kinda... fizzled out. kept changing. got ruined by pushy ppl lol. but maybe i'll get back to it one day bc i would love a nivannedy summer romance tbh.

16. What are your writing strengths?

uhm. characterization. dialogue. emotional shit? idk i think i do best when i have intimate moments with two people. tiny everyday moments and mundane shit. like that. if i get going writing sometimes flows super well and i think i can get consistently readable stuff done in one go. but that'd require getting going lol.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

action. i suck at action. i also suck at it in the way that i can't actually make myself start writing. i got way too co-dependent when i still had people excitedly participating in the process and now i sit here sad doing nothing :'D but anyway. writing action and having some self-discipline lol.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

depends very heavily on the context. in general i do think it should be all in one language for readability but there are exceptions. i've done it too lol but it was only like a line or two in finnish :'D

19. First fandom you wrote for?

diru, twenty years ago lmao, it's like a different lifetime. i only learned of the existence of fanfic at the ripe old age of nineteen lol but yeah it's still been so long now.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

asdjfngkn i can not choose between all of my children c'mon. uhm. am just gonna say the self-indulgent series bc it truly was so important to me for so long and i'm still devastated it ended. sigh. now i made myself sad again :'D

#meme thingy #me and my fics

[3rrorsnas]

I found some cool userboxes and found the concept fun and cute so here they are :

[id: this user [static noises]]

self explanatory lol

[id: this user is very bad at describing things, including their emotions]

also self explanatory./srs neg/ altho it was easy with inky- /srs pos

���🤍

[id: this user finds comfort in cats]

I do, I love em all. even tho I can't hug them because of my haphephobia- sigh /gen neg

[id: this user is always lost in their thoughts]

true. (idk who the person in the picture is tho, idk if it adds to the context-)/srs gen

[id: this user has a feeling they're not in Kansas anymore and that they must be over the rainbow]

pffff this one is funny, I thought how it could be a metaphor for me getting together with inky or something ehehe/gen lh

[id: this user loves blankets]

I dooooo, they're so comfyyyy ✨✨✨, and also it's a way for me to hug people without triggering myself too much-/gen

[id: this user is losing their sense of humanity]

does this count if you're already not a human? lol (I don't know exactly what it means tbh, I'm gonna interpret it similarly to losing your sanity or smth)/gen lh

[id: this user is soft and likes soft things]

honestly yeah- sometimes I feel like people brush off an entire aspect of my personality, like yeah obviously I'm harsh to people I don't like but I'm kind to people that I like. also I like plushies and dresses and everything, they're cute and comfy 🫶✨/gen

[id: this user appreciates their mutuals immensely]

it's only one but heh, they're here/lh gen pos

---

I decided to add the ids after I realized that these are pictures and are probably not readable by screenreaders-

but I don't know exactly how this (Tumblr in general) works, so tell me if I did it wrong or something idk/srs info

---

I might find some more userboxes if I can ehehe, these are fun ✨/gen pos

#long post #me #my post #userboxes #userbox #error sans

[achoshistor]

[totk] alternate dimension???

HAHA ok i simply can't go without writing this down but this time i will try my best to omit all spelling errors to preserve readability... tbh i wouldnt read this if you havent finished the geoglyphs

[spoilers!!]

ok im gonna be honest i've only finished botw and totk so this is gonna be moreso why the alternate timeline from botw is plausible in comparison to the actual placement of the timeline bc thats too much thinking and its been like a million bajillion years since i read the historia.

ok so firstly zelda doing different things in the past is def why the line would have changed from botw to totk but why was zelda the one who went back in time?? In botw the divine beasts are literally analogous to the current sages which is basically

vah rudania/daruk = yunobo

vah naboris/urbosa = riju

vah ruta/mipha = sidon

vah medoh/revali = tulin

that covers all four but what about link?? link gets his own divine beast (master cycle) too so why is zelda the sage and not link?? besides i heard this mentioned somewhere else (i forgot where) but link has the ability to literally slow down time when hes drawing his bow or looking through the scope and he can pause time with the menu but idk if thats actually canon LOL. either way link can also control time like zelda. But speaking of divine beasts the 4 helms can be found in totk as well but the item descriptions call them zonai while the general look of the pieces is clearly sheikha which is weird cuz whaaaat?? also idk maybe nintendo just wanted a way to explain amiibo gear but this just suggests that the divine beasts themsleves are also zonai of some sort. Ik people are saying they dont mention the divine beasts at all but impa and i think like one or two other npcs mention them meaning they are still here but zonai somehow which doesnt make sense in the context of botw.

also aside from the divine beasts theres some other things of note too: firstly, your house in hateno which zelda STOLE 😭😭liek man i paid good money for that sign... 3000 rs.... this is p minor but why would she just take the sign away unless it wasnt already there?? I mean ok maybe link wanted to live with her

[zora arc spoilers]

anyways point two about yona... tbh i thought she was ganondorfs spy or something at first because she came out of nowhere... im assuming she's muzu's daughter but we saw no sign at all of her in botw... maybe the devs hated sidlink that much lolol. In all seriousness tbh her appearance does seem to point to a shift in the events of 100 years ago unless she's not from hyrule which seems unlikley seeing that sidon grew up in zora's domain according to the botw dlc.

[zora spoilers over]

ok last thing... the bottomless swamp is gone!!

like whaaat theres a pond there now

I'm like 99% sure this is just because they needed a body of water that you can drop into safely but its also the only pond on ground thats actually got the lily pads from the sky in it which is interesting. I don't think they added any other new bodies of water aside from this though. Lorewise though it makes no sense at all that they removed that whole giant skeleton from here in a few years and even if they did iirc the ground around it was crackly and dry. Lanaryu/Zorana used to all be a desert and they said it took hundreds of years for it to become fertile so its kind of nonsensical that this area would only take a little while...

overall i think this is probably just nintendo trying to make it so that totk can be standalone but man it cant be that hard to write coherent lore

#totk theory #botw totk theory #tears of the kingdom #totk spoilers #zelda #the legend of zelda #botw totk

[azrielsbxtch]

hi, hru? <3 i hope you're having a good day so far

i have a question. so i haven't read CC yet i'm planning to but i see ppl talking about bryce and hunt not being endgame i just want to know if i should ship them while reading or be cautious so my heart wont be broken lol

but if i want to be honest, them not being endgame dosen't make sense to me. first of all i don't think if sjm wants to make the first 3 books about bryce story she would change her love interest in the last book all of a sudden? idk it dosen't feel right somehow haha and second i don't understand these bryce and azriel shippers like have they forgot they're in different universes and one of them have to sacrifices their life to be together (i mean i have no idea if that's possible or if my reasoning is accurate just my first thought on them) bc if sjm still wants to make these series readable for those who haven't read her other series, it would cause problems...

and i'm a big gwynriel stan and i would rather rip my heart out than reading az and bryce being endgame and sjm would be so cruel for writing her mating bond languange in gwynriel T-T

so yeah these are the thoughts of someone who hasn't read CC except the last chapter of the second book :D

Hi anon

You should totally go and ahead and read Crescent city

SJM has confirmed MULTIPLE TIMES that the first three Crescent City books are Bryce and Hunt’s books. They are 10000% endgame and one of the Bonus chapters for HOFAS even comes with a Bryce and Hunt exclusive.

People ship random characters in the fandom all the time and sometimes they take it too far but the author has confirmed Bryce and Hunt are endgame so you don’t need to worry🥰

#brythalar #bryce x hunt #quinlar #hunt athalar #bryce and hunt #hofas #house of flame and shadow

[actual-lea]

TELL US ABOUT THE THERMONUCLEAR BOMBS LEA (& tag them appropriately please)

God okay I don't even know where to begin I just

I'm gonna ramble a lot about how these bombs work and none of it is going to be very informative probably unless you also want to check out the damn Thermonuclear Weapons wikipedia page at the same time, and even then it's fun to remember that all of this is mostly only how thermonuclear bombs are theorized to work, since the actual designs are obviously all super classified info

Also going to ramble specifically about how the bomb is presented in Lost, so spoilers also abound:

Okay well fun fact, a thermonuclear aka hydrogen aka fusion bomb (which is different than like. a "regular" atomic/nuclear/fission bomb) contains a regular atomic bomb inside it - there are two "stages" to a hydrogen bomb, of which the regular-ass atomic bomb is only the first (fission) stage and is basically only there in order to facilitate the secondary (fusion) stage, which is where most of the power actually comes from (and then from that there's more fission that happens, which might actually be where most of the power actually comes from? idk this is all top of my head I don't have the wiki article open right now lol)

That was something that really kind of blew my mind to learn. Like. The idea of an atomic bomb in most people's minds is (for good reason!) this huge city-flattening thing of indescribable destructive power, and that thing very quickly became irrelevant as anything but the activation for the actual bomb bomb, which is so so so many more times destructive than either of the bombs that were actually used in 1945.

I actually just recently re-skimmed over the wiki article about Tsar Bomba, the biggest EVER thermonuclear test explosion (which was in 1961 iirc, somewhere in Russia/the Soviet Union), which iirc is theorized by some people to have actually been a three-stage design rather than two-stage*, and fucking. The seismic wave created by this explosion circled the entire globe three fucking times over even though it was detonated in the fucking air

*because of the way that the two stages work, it's theoretically possible to just keep adding more and more of the "secondary" type device ad infinitum, but it becomes pretty impractical pretty quickly since (I think?) they'd need to keep getting bigger and with just a two stage weapon you're definitely already in like the 20 tons realm at minimum already, so it's kind of silly to keep adding more and more to it especially when the amount of explosive yield you're getting is already way more than enough than you could ever really need anyway

ANYWAY

None of that is really relevant to what I was ACTUALLY trying to learn about in the first place, which is like. How in the good goddamn the bomb in Lost is supposed to have worked.

(Really the thing I was trying to initially figure out more than anything is what the fuck would the stuff leaking from the casing of the bomb even have been and the jury's still out on that one tbh)

SO okay. Season 5 finale of Lost, we have Sayid and Jack and Eloise and Richard all going to get the bomb to do the thing with the incident. According to Sayid according to Daniel's journal, his plan was to remove the "plutonium core" of the bomb rather than trying to move the whole damn thing.

Incidentally, I have a copy of the Lost Encyclopedia, and like half the reason for buying it in the first place was because I saw online that there were more pictures of Dan's journal/the disassembly instructions for the bomb in it (which I did get this damn thing in like November 2020 so that should tell you how long I've been looking into this stuff lmao)

(a picture of a spread from the Lost Encyclopedia showing several images of pages from Daniel's journal)

So, okay - there are 2 spreads (4 pages) worth of detailed disassembly instructions, over on the right side of the image - idk if any of that is even readable in the image but to summarize: the first pages (bottom right) are the ones we actually see for like half a second in the episode:

(an image from 5x16 of Sayid's hands holding Daniel's journal open to those same disassembly instructions)

According to these instructions, what we are actually removing in the episode and carrying around and dropping in the Swan hole, is the "plutonium primary device from the secondary payload", which. Is not really a thing? The "primary" device in a hydrogen bomb IS the atomic bomb, which is a whole separate thing from the "secondary" device. There is a plutonium "spark plug" cylinder inside the secondary, which I assume is probably what this would be referring to, HOWEVER the second part of the instructions (top right of the Encyclopedia image above) have a drawing of this device, which apparently includes "slow explosive lense", which is absolutely not a thing that would be in the secondary. The explosive lenses in a hydrogen bomb would only be found around the primary, most likely in a spherical shape that creates a series of synchronized explosions to compress a spherical plutonium (or perhaps enriched uranium, but most likely plutonium) "pit" in the center, squeezing it enough to cause it to go supercritical which is what causes the explosion. Then, the heat/radiation caused by this explosion is enough to (in a matter of like microseconds - this is also why the inside of the casing is made specifically to hold together long enough for the reaction to actually happen, because otherwise the explosion would blow everything apart before it reached its full potential yield or whatever) then compress the secondary device, a cylindrical casing (called a tamper) most probably made of un-enriched/depleted uranium (I think? it wouldn't be dangerously radioactive to the touch, which is why Sayid handling the damn thing with only a pair of gloves in the episode is actually probably plenty of precaution) with a rod of plutonium inside it and also some tritium/deuterium (isotopes of hydrogen, which is the "hydrogen" part of the hydrogen bomb) is there.

So basically, the radiation/heat/neutrons of the first explosion of the primary compress/ablate the casing of the secondary, and the neutrons react with the tritium and deuterium from the outside while the neutrons from the fission reaction of the plutonium "spark plug" that's getting compressed inside the secondary react with the tritium and deuterium from the inside, and all of this causes a bunch of fusion reactions, which also release MORE neutrons, which then cause some more fission of the uranium casing that surrounds the whole enchilada, and this is how big big big explosion happen.

All that to say - there aren't any explosives present in the secondary. Taking out the "plutonium core" wouldn't leave you with a detonate-able bomb, it would just leave you with a chunk of plutonium and no way to compress it into supercriticality.

Even so, it does seem like the writers did a non-zero amount of research, because I kind of see what we did here? Basically fudged the primary and secondary together in order to make it so that we can take just a piece of the bomb and still have it be detonate-able. So, we've invented for the convenience of the plot a plutonium core that is surrounded by explosives (in a cylindrical shape, which probably wouldn't really work but the plot demands that it does), which is in essence...just an atomic bomb. Not "in itself a thermonuclear weapon" like Sayid says, but definitely enough to cause a big boom**, which I guess is the goal here. I would presume that the actual cylinder (picture below) itself is meant to be a (depleted) uranium casing, with explosive lenses inside it (that the wires are connected to) encasing the cylinder of plutonium inside.

(an image from the Lost Encyclopedia of the "Jughead Bomb" entry, which includes a close-up of the cylindrical device that Jack drops into the Swan hole in 5x17)

**Incidentally, one of the pages in the first Encyclopedia image above mentions "four kilotons" as the theoretical yield of the plutonium core, which I guess might maybe be accurate if we're just treating this thing like a regular ass atomic bomb at this point? It's clearly a very small amount of plutonium that we're working with - for reference, the "Fat Man" atomic bomb (the Nagasaki one) apparently had 6.19 kg of plutonium in it, which is a little over 13 and a half pounds, and of that only about 1 kg actually fissioned, giving a yield of somewhere between 19-23 kilotons. If we're working with...idk, maybe half a kg of plutonium? A little over a pound? And only 1/6 of it was to actually fission upon detonation, then yeah, that yield could probably get pretty close to 4 kilotons.

Even so even so, the idea of rigging the bomb to detonate on impact would maybe maybe work, but only if there was a way to guarantee that the impact would cause the "explosive lenses" (that we're gonna pretend are there) to explode, in sync. This is something that's ordinarily accomplished by an electrical signal sent simultaneously to all of the outer shell of explosives at once - judging from the wires that are all along the cylinder thing, I would presume that's what we're going with in the episode as well. The notes on the second part of the instructions mention "spring loaded detonation switches" but I don't really know what the fuck that means. My best guess is that it's set up like a Wile E Coyote TNT handle switch thing - mayhaps there's a spring loaded thing at the top of the cylinder (right side of the image above, where the tape is) that completes the circuit either when squeezed down or when un-squeezed (I'm leaning towards that, given the tape?) and that's how it would perhaps be able to explode on impact, if that knocked the thing loose enough to complete the circuit.

In which case, hitting it with a rock on the side of the thing would definitely not do anything.

My way to make it make more sense (perhaps in a future fanfic, who can say) would be if rather than there being any kind of explosives in the device itself, if it's instead the pressure/heat generated by the electromagnetic field of the Swan's "electromagnetic pocket" that somehow compresses the device, to the point that the plutonium inside can reach supercriticality and go boom.

But of course, that's not as dramatic or exciting as hitting it with a rock eight times.

Incidentally incidentally, shooting the thing with a gun would also not make it explode (much in the same way that shooting a gas can with a gun would not cause an explosion), but damaging the wires in any way that would cause a short or anything like that could render it unable to detonate and/or cause an explosion that just sort of spits out plutonium chunks everywhere (dirty bomb), so you still don't really want to bring it into the middle of a gunfight if you can help it JACK

#oh this is so many words for so little information #i can't arrange it in a coherent way really but know that it all lives in my head nonstop #ask lea #anonymous #i don't even know how to begin to tag this appropriately #radiation ?? #bombs ??? #nuclear stuff ???? #long post

[mymarifae]

sorry for rambling in your inbox, but i saw both of ur posts on honkai star rail and it is also driving me bonkers on how so many people are just focused on the shipping? like shipping is fine but what about the story?? the platonic interactions?? all the subtle and unsubtle backstory hints?? its not even in just this update like how are there so many things about literally every male character shipped with each other? i need to find more speculation about march 7th i am growing desperate and i have started making my own theories

generally idgaf about shipping like ok go have fun doing whatever you want forever and ever but ... when. a fanbase COMPLETELY ignores the story in favor of shoving the first two men that exist in the same general vicinity together ... and override both of their personalities so they fit better into all those typical Yaoi tropes... and then it becomes impossible to find any other content and discussion within the fandom because of the sheer volume of this uwu yaoi nonsense and no one pays any attention to the WOMEN despite them making up the majority of the cast... i... can't help but get a little annoyed. lol.

like. on one hand yeah that's usually how things roll. but because that's usually how they roll i'm fucking sick of it 🫶🏾

anyway on a more positive note! march 7th!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm sooo curious about what happened to her before the astral express found her... and the garden of recollection stuff? i wonder if after things on penacony settle down she'll have some questions for black swan. since she's a memokeeper and all

personally i think it's a little hard to make theories about her... because there's nothing there! literally ANYTHING could have happened to her and there's no way to narrow it down because... there's Nothing . except:

i kiiiiiind of got the impression that it was her decision to have her memories taken away. the garden of recollection are tricky folks, but i don't know if they'd be so cruel as to deny her everything if they weren't respecting her own wishes. as for Why she would have chosen that... i've got nothing lmfao. the special outfit she wore for the festival on jarilo probably foreshadows that she was once royalty or some equivalent to it. hell, maybe she was even an emanator of fuli! or something along those lines. like, i think her connection to the garden of recollection probably runs deeper than them just taking away her memories

idk when we'll get more clues about her... i'm hoping somewhere in the next update? or maybe even in this one, scattered in some of the side quests and collectibles and readable items.. 🤔

#i have to finish exploring penacony....... #i did a pretty thorough sweep of golden hour when i first got into it #but then a child's dream hit and the story became the only thing i cared about shdndhfkgnfv i did almost no exploring from there on #mailbox #ty for sending this in !!!! i really like talking about hsr #it's so much fun... so cool... so many THINGS always HAPPENING #cannot wait to see more and more and more of the future of this game

[fattylime]

Ur art is so cool!!!!!! I LOVE trans nacho hc, do you have any other queer brba/bcs head canons you’d be cool talking about?

omg hi thank u thank u and yes i do!!

(for reference, i just finished brba i think last week, i watched bcs first and i'm doing a rewatch of that currently just so i fully get the plot !! if i get anything wrong or if you have anything u wanna add just tell me i love learning new things <3)

i think as a queer person my default for most characters is some type of queer even if i don't have a specific label for them if that makes any sense?? i kinda forget that straight people are a default in media until there's a character that's so unabashedly straight :')

the jesse trans hc is really popular and i understand why, i wanna draw jesse eventually when i have time !! i think a lot of small details about his characters are readable as trans or at least relatable !! sexuality wise i'd say he's either straight or bi but you'd never get him to admit to the second one lmao

also this post by geitonas introduced me to the idea of mike being trans which i ADOORE i scroll through art about him being trans giggling and twirling my hair i absolutely agree

most villains default to gay for me just because they're usually coded that way and it carries over to lalo and i don't have to hc gus as gay so,, i could see lalo as either gay or bi it depends on the day i'm talking about it but a lot of the personal things that are linked to his character have to be inferred since again he doesn't have the level of backstory or even directly told lore as other characters. i don't think he'd be "secretive" about his sexuality but i think growing up around hector and then seeing what happened to gus and max he's definitely not loud and proud either but considering the circumstances who would be. Him being so high up in rank with the personality that he has i can almost see him doing that out of spite if that makes any sense?? idk how to explain this thought properly im dealing with finals right now my brain is pretty much smooth but i know he enjoys what he does as a "job" but idk i think he'd find the idea of a queer man with a high rank funny because who is going to tell him what he can't do?

kim definitely kissed a girl in college and she definitely didn't hate it at all but never allowed herself the time to think over the implications of that, similarly i think skylar has fantasized what it would be like to be married to a woman but in the way thats like "what if i didn't have to do everything all the time" but i can sense something lgbt about her i just haven't thought it through enough yet lol

Idk where to start with howard and jimmysaul but they gives me the vibe of when you're around family but you aren't out and you're a little too supportive of gay people and everyone looks at you suspiciously. they're ALLIES (at first)

anyways this post is entirely too long but i hope this somewhat answered your question

#pleeease im begging you to ignore how bad the english is #i've been writing an essay for like 2 weeks and im slowly unlearning english im sorrycksnks #but yeah i think I only really default a handful of characters to being straight #asks #bcs #brba #lime rambles

[greensaplinggrace]

🤡🥺🛒✨ for the writing emoji asks! :D

🤡 What's a line, scene, or exchange you've written that made you laugh?

any of mal and aleksander's interactions in hearth warming. the way aleksander devised a whole pretense just to brush shoulders with mal like... alksjdlfks. that's what happens when an instinctively manipulative person starts yearning lmfao

🥺 Is there a certain type of moment or common interaction between your characters that never fails to put you in your feels?

oauf. I write hurt/comfort mostly so like... all of it. but especially those points when the caretaker character realizes something is wrong with the whumpee and actually helps, especially when the whumpee thinks they won't.

also anything where the pov character doesn't even realize what's happened to them is bad until someone tells them. also kisses and gentle touches and fun little rituals for respecting boundaries between a touch averse/starved character and their partner(s) is a type of interaction that I love and do a lot.

🛒 What are some common things you incorporate in your fics? Themes, feels, scenes, imagery, etc.

alksjdfslk worship. for h/c i've realized I mostly write touch-starvation and self image issues, usually with a side of isolation or depersonalization. surely there is no projection going on there.

I really really like themes of liberation and self actualization. themes that usually pick apart good vs evil and highlight the ugly and good aspects of humanity that everyone possesses - aspects that should be accepted and loved and worshiped. I like themes of family, change, and acceptance mostly.

I also commonly have scenes where characters have anxiety spirals or ptsd attacks. because I'm first and foremost a whump lover.

✨ Give you and your writing a compliment. Go on now. You know you deserve it. 😉

man idk 😭. I think I'm good at description? I usually actually have to delete paragraphs of description just to make my writing readable. I'm not so great at dialogue though so it's a win/lose situation tbh. my writing is really purple prosey, which I know some people like (even if I don't. I've come to accept that I am not my own audience lol)

fanfic writer emoji ask (x)

#anyways thanks for the ask ahhh!! 💚💚💚 #i'm sorry this is so late #asks and answers #myramblings #ask games #greenglassmountain

[spikeinthepunch]

rebrand conflict

idk how to decide what is a good or bad decision in terms of like...wanting to rebrand. i wish i could count back to how long i have used "morrysillusion" overall, i dont have a specific date. but i know after the white/brown antelope/wolf fursona, i think i dropped "moreyytilatot"? i think i tried to just go by "morey" in some form (i recall "princemorry" url). and then i dropped the 'nisovinsillusion' url maybe in early 2016? but i also had the coffini url here for a good while after. i cant remember if i used morrysillusion outside of tumblr around that time so. idk...

and heres the thing-- i dont really feel disconnected from my username, its fine and i think its p cool. but also in my head i keep wanting to change it, and part of that is wanting to claim a super old username i have no bad associations with. and i think part of that is bc of all the ways i am trying to do the things i was denied through my younger years-- so i am just reliving a lot of nice things and recalling the vibes and online trend etc i had. but also like.... attitude? personality wise? i feel like im not reflecting that w my current "brand" so to speak. at the very least if i didnt change my username, i still dont feel like the current look is something i want. i think the urge on the username change is just an additional feeling to push away from what i have been under this name.

the username i keep wanting to fall back to is 'spikeinthepunch/spikedpunch' (had the short one on xboxlive and the long one on deviantart) which was a short lived username but has no negative relations to anything, and i wished i kept it for a bit longer. and its kind of an edgy username lol. but in my recent years of growing as an adult, moving out, and being my own person, i feel soooo different than how my accounts have been presenting me. i guess ive been like soft, simple, and stiff in presentation? i think i fell into this when i was thinking id keep doing art commissions etc in a "professional" way, and especially bc i was doing my CN internship around then and wanted to still look presentable for the industry when looking for jobs. and while i certainly would love to work in the creative industry potentially, i obviously dont need to keep up that Normal-er image, i never should have, but also at that age and time i didnt feel like i could be that way at all. i was far more nervous of people interpreting me badly, negatively, etc if i was more edgy or mature. i was young and not dealing with my issues and so fixated on trauma etc.

this is also lining up w my plans to rework my website too. and i think a lot of this feeling also comes along w my "mascot" who i think is lovely! but him being a "mascot" makes him.... very detached from me as a person. i havent had any sonas to relate to in almost over a year... and my mascot was never meant to be a sona, just a Guy to represent my vibe (the colors, aliens) and social media appearance. and i guess i dont like that vibe anymore. i havent even felt all too into the shift i made to Mikike just having a vague spacesuit either, i felt i was just forcing that in order to fit the simple minecraft skin format for readability. (if people were to draw my skin, making it plantigrade and less animal would be easier)

and of course an additional observation i have had in more recent times are manic episodes that make me uproot parts of my life and change a lot of stuff about my identity etc. it may not seem like that happens online but its bc i manage to hold back on changing things abt my online branding lol- but it often results in making sideblogs for whatever new fandom/media i attached to in my episode and irl changing my entire appearance to fit and much more (and promptly drop both in about a month or so- its why i have so many abandoned sideblogs). this is obviously the bigger issue bc its what makes it Very hard for me to not do this (n yes i am in a bit of an episode rn despite my medication so...). and shocker, so many of my username/url changes and failure to ever keep one long enough to form an identity is related to that as well! its a surprise i havent done it in years but it was the expectation to stay with one identity, one look, in order to be Normal and recognized in a professional way, and i dont like that.

making this post and dumping thoughts has me thinking on a solution. as i said i dont really feel detached from my username. but what i dont relate to the most now is the way i feel i have gotten stuck in presenting myself online, and as a "brand". i want to toss out my color scheme, my mascot, my outward attitude. i want to let myself actually present in a way i like and not in a way that feels "clean". when my wcrp got shut down i had to come to the idea of acceptance and letting go of things i cannot control. and the reality of what truly doesnt matter in terms of what people may think of me. that was a huge pressure left on me for YEARS thanks to 2014-16 tumblr mindset and it is so so much harder to break esp if you want to try and be a creator and build an audience. i felt like i had become aware of this, and i have, but i didnt really click the fact that i wasnt into my current online presence bc i was still living with a piece of that era.. the fear of getting popular and being 'called out' for something for years ago, that wasnt even serious or bad, feeling like i was stepping carefully everywhere even when nothing was wrong. this doesnt entirely tie to WHY i want to do all the above. its just an observation on one of the things that hold me back too. just staying the same and staying safe. i hardly ever post, and while its something i chose to do its also a 'bonus' to not giving people much things to read off of me and assume from too.

this is getting too long and i think i have my point. idk what im gonna do but im thinking a lot abt how i should take control of my online life.

#sorry this could have been a shorter post but you know me #also. i cant change my username on all my sites either :/ so #my icon has been blank for this reason btw

[moni-logues]

2022 End of the Year Recap

rules : post the top 5 works you’re most proud of that you released in 2022 (not necessarily your most popular), your top 4 current WIPs that you’re excited to release in the new year, your top 3 biggest improvements in your writing over the past year, your top 2 resolutions (ways you wish to improve your writing/blog) for the new year, and your number 1 favorite line you’ve written this year!

So, @amethystwritesbts tagged me in this on the old blog, but I thought this would make for a fun little transitional post, too, so I'm doing it here! I have had my [old] blog for almost exactly 53 weeks and have posted 58 fics! 🤪🤪🤪 lots to pick from lol

Top 5 works I'm most proud of

(These will all, in time, make their way here, too, but for now they are ofc readable @monimonimoon)

Marriage or Arsenic: my very first post! I'm proud of myself for starting! Proud of myself for writing and putting it out there!

Sweet Treats: I just like it!! I think it's fun! I love cute tattoo artist boyfriend Jimin!

Even Though: super spontaneous fic; decided about 11pm I wanted to write it and it was finished before 2:30am! But I'm really pleased with how it came out and it's nice to know I can produce shit if I really focus lmao

Thirteen Rounds: wrote it in one evening and then was really unhappy the following day and couldn't work out why I didn't l like it so I took my dog for a walk and figured it out. It then needed a really big, significant re-write and I did it! And then it did some serious fucking numbers lmao

A Fine Line: for obvious reasons lol. My first series! Wasn't sure I could do it! Wasn't sure anyone would like it! But I did! and they do!!

Top 4 current WIPs

The Comeback: here, have a banner! This is going to be the first fic I post here! (obviously not including AFL reposts). I hope you are looking forward to some festive angst!

Kintsugi: the long-fabled Yoongi friends-to-lovers (actually strangers-to-friends-to-lovers!). She's coming and, goddammit, I've made this bitch angsty, too. Have another banner!

Promessus: a Hobi fake dating fic that is going to require a lot of research and may not be viable if the results of that research aren't what I want! But I'm really excited about it!!!

SUPER TOP SECRET FIC: coming soon! Yoongi! A genre I've not written before! Stay tuned!!!

Three biggest improvements in my writing

I think I'm more aware of my (over-)use of adverbs now so I'm better at catching them while writing and in editing.

Writing long stuff! Actual plot! When I first started, I couldn't believe people were writing like, 5, 10, 15k fics and now I not only have one-shots that long but also a whole series! And more to come!

Deciding to only write in past tense. I kept sort of switching between past and present which meant that, even within one fic, I kept fucking up and writing in the wrong one. Sticking to one means I'm not making that mistake (as much! 😬) anymore.

Two resolutions for next year

This one is sort of already in plrogress but planning. Kintsugi is already outlined! I'm going to try to stick to the plan!

Read more -- both fics and books. I have read much less this year than I'd have liked so I really want to use this festive period to reset and start the new year with more intention and waste less of my time on my fucking phone, watching shit I don't care about on netflix etc. and actually make time for everything, which includes reading.

Favourite line I wrote this year

Remember how I said I've posted 58 fics? Yeah, I'm not going through those to pick out the best lmao. But one that I can think of off the top of my head is:

you knew you had somehow got things figured out but now, in the nauseating throes of the consequences of your own actions, it eluded you.

I'm not tagging anyone because idk who's been tagged already and I'm copping out lmao but everyone should do this, so consider yourself tagged if you are reading this!!!

#moni logs #tag games