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legionofpotatoes · 3 years

Note

I love your art, it is very detailed in a neat way. Was wondering how you got started making it as a source of income? How did you get your first paid work, I'd love some advice on how to get started, if that's ok

Thank you. Of course it's okay, although I doubt I have enough work experience in art to really delve into this. I only went full freelance this year, and had been juggling art as a side hobby until then. If you're still interested in my somewhat narrow perspective, and are okay with my long-winded rambles, I'll give it a shot:

So to answer your question fully, I'll describe how I started and move into personal advice and learnings later on. As a disclaimer, I am a white cishet dude in my late twenties with a moderate cocktail of mental illnesses, but overall I can pass for a functioning adult so a lot I have to say may come laced with privilege I cannot fully identify.

So uhh I began drawing in around 2012? I think? Maybe halfway through 2011? And I mostly made fanart for things I enjoyed and tried to branch out in communities that felt nourishing to my style and interests (I caught a bug for alt posters and enjoyed mainstream movies so I spent a long time on posterspy early on). There were a handful of opportunities that came from there but I could only accept a couple because of primary workplace commitments. Still, it showed that networking in a focused community was definitely a good place to start; I myself have huge trouble committing to social networks and really staying socially active, but I knew it was an essential ingredient in succeeding so I tried to make myself be involved in challenges and art support trains etc. as much as I could.

In parallel to all that I also ran a few third party online stores (redbubble, teepublic) for disposable income and would sometimes, if rarely, hit around $100-150 a month from those sources combined. It is a sort of thing that requires helper accounts on other social media sites to promote it on, because the stores themselves have a huge volume of content that translates into low organic discoverability. Obviously it was never gonna be the way towards financial independence through art, and with community projects being few and far between, I opened private commissions in around uhhh 2017 I think, focusing on offering a few styles I knew I could do well, and sometimes operating in individual fandoms (it was mostly a bioware thing to be frank). But I had to close them back down after a year or so, again because of work-life conflict and how badly it was burning me out. The reason I kept trying to monetize this hobby is because I honestly hated what I did for my main job and wanted to see a way out in some shape or form in the future.

And then in 2020 I had to quit my main job altogether because of *gestures at pandemic* and deal with a mental breakdown from all the wonderful things it did to us and me specifically. I took a short break and decided to give art a shot full-time, and that was around May this year. I was planning on opening up commissions again (and I still am), but a few sudden opportunities that fell in my lap moved that timetable down and now I'm grateful to even be doing something I am getting adequately paid for.

So, with that somewhat limited perspective, here's what I've learned that I'd tell myself if I was just starting out:

1. Being a fan of something can be a shortcut towards effective networking kickoffs. Which are important evidently. If you love something and enjoy making content for it, join communities, settle into a combination of social media websites that feel right for those interests + your body of work + your inner rhythm, and try to play to content discovery as much as your mental health allows you to. Like I said, I know that I myself am incredibly bad at self-motivating to talk to people, so I found that synergizing common interests into fanart - which I enjoyed making anyway - could be a way to give myself a gentle nudge forward and build those bridges leading to community activities, which then net experience and coverage. Sometimes even freelance projects from official avenues. Again; picking the right spaces for what you're after is key. Companies roam twitter, concept art recruiters scour artstation or linkedin etc, instagram can land you private commissions and collab opportunities, so on and so forth. Find your niche and try to kick up dust. However...

2. I do not believe that any social profile can replace a good portfolio. The thing that made an immediate difference to me this year was building a coherent, simple website with my best work front and center and a contact form on top. Every single opportunity I got came from that form (maybe via twitter or instagram initially, but always sealing the decision after going through the website), so I firmly believe that showcasing your skills and portfolio in a visually arresting and user-friendly way is a big priority. I had some reservations about tackling that task but fortunately I had help from a savvy life partner and we slapped it together via wordpress in less than a day. Twitter/whatever social media is prevalent in your target groups is definitely important to get the right eyes on your shit, yes, but those eyes will then look for a second stop where your work and rates are more clear and concise. Simplicity is key imo, I cannot overstate this. So make a cute, simple portfolio!

3. Your skills and rates will grow and change as you do. Let them. Over the years I built several lasting professional relationships from my obsession over mass effect and kept getting opportunities both from bioware and their partner companies, some small and some a bit bigger. A one-off job earlier this year opened an unexpected door to another much larger commitment, and then the work I did there brought some attention from small businesses looking for commercial commissions. These were all incredibly different projects in terms of scope and budget, and I've been tackling them all on a case-by-case basis and slowly coming into my own irt my needs, rates, and SOW thresholds. It is still a work in progress (and a LOT of literal work as well), and very much a thing I struggle with in publicly marketing, which is why I felt a tad underqualified to answer your question in the first place (obviously I did not let that stop me). But what it means for me now is that I am rapidly developing into whatever my "version" of a functioning freelance artist is, and when the conditions for that guy are met, I need to be able to confidently plant myself and operate from that space despite past precedents. Do not let anyone bully you into downpricing what you yourself perceive as legitimate products of personal growth and development. Speaking of which...

4. The shitty challenge of turning envy into inspiration, and paddling outside your comfort zones in full riot gear. it is hard, but realizing that being a miserable, self-hating artist in my early days got me nothing but more misery back was the first real step I took and what truly blew the hinges off. I was just not pleasant to be around, I would badmouth my work all the time, and it all somehow made sense in my broken mind because the validation I sought was purely external and the way I sought it was through eliciting sympathy via self-victimization (even when I made something objectively nice). It all led fucking nowhere. Except perhaps to my own narcissism that I one day managed to identify and start managing. So I started looking at things that made me seethe with envy and calmly deconstruct and figure out their inner workings instead, do studies, and find nuggets of inspiration or discover new ways to approach rendering or building up specific elements. It was an application of analytical diligence to what I wanted to be a purely emotional, esoteric workflow, but that I deep down knew wasn't. Art is a discipline and a skill, and maybe it isn't a straight line, but you gotta find some line to thread nevertheless. Being self-hating was almost an identity I had to break out of, and despite it still being like, 4-5% there? I realize its cause and effect on me, my work, and those around me, so it is with a conscious choice that I gently set it aside when I work and especially when I learn. It won't always stay quiet, but the effort is the difference. Your doors towards accepting true growth and venturing into uncharted territories, art styles, and networking will really open from there. But there's a huge caveat...

5. Toolsets, accessibility, privilege, and all the good things that enable artistic expression and profitability are not given equal to all. you might do all the mental work I mentioned to be ready to rock and roll and learn and draw your way out of anything, but digital art is a fucking money pit that asks almost too much at times. I don't got a good case study here but identifying and ensuring accessibility to the tools you need to do your best work is, like, super important. The ergonomics can improve as you make money and settle into the job, but the basics have to be made available to you. And some of that might not even be under your direct control. That can be anything from pen tablets to software subscriptions to opportunities in hiring sullied by sexism or what have you. You gotta navigate all that through careful networking and money/time management. I don't do a good job of devoting specific slices of time to work/study, and my primary clutch is iPad software which went from a good deal to a nightmare scenario over the years. So all I can say here is do what I didn't; network, invest in a PC/tablet, and pick a software you'll learn that won't burn a hole in your pocket.

6. Be nice to work with? This one is hard to articulate and has landed my own ass in hot water in my early years because of how socially inept I am, but nothing is more worthwhile than being.. like. a good person to work with. That can be anything like meeting deadlines, or sometimes missing them but eloquently articulating why, being generous in early stages, being communicable and not too wordy in your emails, having a good grasp on abstract artistic concepts and how to describe them in simple terms, having a clear, laid out framework of your working rates in commercial and non-commercial projects and sticking to those guns with grace, understanding when you need to say no and saying it well, the works. Just being nice. Sometimes that might mean going headstrong with something you believe in, or simmering down and sucking up to the big man, all relative and adaptive. Part and parcel of the service provision dance that we all have to do in order to make bank. Know your lines here, obviously, and don't like. work for nazis. or uh.. *shudders* exposure. but be nice and empathetic and communicable and word will travel eventually. Skill may be in abundance these days, but good people are most certainly not, and capitalism has a way of bubbling up scarcity. Grim, but uh, them's the breaks.

I know I'm ultimately telling you to like. Have a body of work, make a portfolio, grow, and network. But that's really how I see it for now. And being nice can be a cherry on top that sets you apart, along with the inherent irreplaceable voice of your artwork. I think I rambled on enough, but if there is something specific you need my help with, even if you want to come off anon and talk in private, please feel free.

#anon #asks #long post #sorry I cant actually condense ideas better :(

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marybethsjournal · 3 years

Text

Always

Summary: Molly has hit a wall with Dutch and doesn’t know what to do; she feels completely lost. Not to mention that she has started to have complicated feeling towards another gang member.

Pairing(s): Dutch Van Der Linde x Molly O’Shea, Molly O’Shea x Sadie Adler (strongly implied)

Word Count: 1903

A03 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29265912

It was barely noon and the girls were day drinking yet again. This didn’t impress Molly much, but she had come to realize that nobody, not even Dutch cared about what she thought. Molly pushed the thought away. If she thought about how Dutch had been shutting her out and treating her badly in general, she would be driven to drink just like these harlots. And then she would be no better than them, which seemed to be the most humiliating thought possible at the time.

Molly was not surprised that Karen was leading the drinking charge of the day. That’s all the wench knew how to do, that and seduce men. She tried not to blame Karen too hard for that, though, because everyone knew Dutch was strongly encouraging her to put herself out there and if Molly verbalized her bias against working women, she’d have to implicate Dutch in the whole thing and she didn’t feel like doing that. Anything to exonerate her man from wrongdoing. What did surprise Molly was that that girl, Sadie, had joined the women for once. And not in the way Abigail had, coming over to get one drink and then gone back to her business (Molly didn’t blame her, she deserved a drink, especially since Jack had asked about 50 questions today already and the Marston man had tried to pants Bill and got a fist in his face in return). Sadie was downing the drinks faster than anyone else; she seemed to have no shame. Molly supposed that maybe she shouldn’t have been so surprised. Sadie had gone through a significant transformation over the past few months. When Sadie had been brought in by Dutch, Micah, and Arthur, she seemed weak and quiet. She had worn dresses and otherwise modest garments, although nothing too fancy. Now, she had the audacity to yell at the men and one day, when out on the town with Arthur, she had bought a shirt and pants and she hadn’t taken them off since. Quite offensive, in Molly’s opinion, but Sadie objectively pulled it off quite well. Molly had noticed herself staring at Sadie quite often, observing the woman. She couldn’t pinpoint quite why, but she assumed it was normal. Sadie was pushing boundaries and was overall quite an interesting woman, more interesting than herself. Not to mention, Sadie was very beautiful. Anyone could see that, it wasn’t an odd thing for her to think.

Molly found herself in the same situation yet again. She was staring at Sadie, who was downing another drink and laughing at some joke Tilly (or maybe it was Karen??? Molly wasn’t doing a very good job focusing on anything other than Sadie at the moment) made. Molly smiled, seeing Sadie throw her head back in laughter. Her smile was so huge and genuine. It was only recently that she had started smiling again. Sadie had taken it rough, just like any woman would, when her husband died. Molly knew the pain hadn’t gone away, but Sadie seemed to finally be letting herself enjoy life with little guilt. She thought about Sadie’s smile a little longer than she probably should have and her mind ended up drifting to a few nights ago when she and Sadie had danced. The whole camp was ambient with laughter and music, coming both from the gramophone and Javier’s guitar. Everyone seemed to have found a partner and was dancing: Mary Beth with Arthur, Jack with Uncle (their form of dancing was far different than everyone else’s slow dancing, the pair were waving their arms wildly and running in circles together), Karen with Sean, Tilly with Lenny. Hell, even Abigail and that fool John had put aside their differences for the night and were dancing up on each other, a bit too provocatively for Molly’s liking. Molly had actually been really excited about the spontaneous party that night. She felt the distance growing between her and Dutch the past few weeks and she was convinced that that night could make it all better. She had put on her finest dress, fixed her hair, and perfected before asking him. But to her surprise, he told her that he was too tired and maybe they could try another time. Her surprise had turned to horror when she later saw Dutch dancing with Susan. The worst part was, Dutch didn’t even seem to care when Molly noticed. It was like he didn’t even care about her feelings.

Molly had run into the nearby forest to cry. She knew her makeup would smudge and usually she would refrain from crying to the best of her ability, but she didn’t care anymore. It only took a few minutes before Sadie had snuck up behind her and asked her what was wrong. She had been sitting on a rock nearby, not in a party mood, when she had heard Molly crying, she explained. How embarrassing.

“So, are you going to tell me what happened so I can fight a bitch?”

Molly, despite her sadness, laughed. “It’s not really a bitch. It’s Dutch. Wouldn’t dance with me but he sure is dancing with Susan right now.”

“That old fart? Ah you can do better than him.” Sadie seemed to get an idea and clapped her hands together. “In fact, let’s show him what he’s missing. I’ll dance with ya.”

Molly was taken aback by Sadie’s proposal.

“I’m not too sure that’ll make him jealous. Maybe if I danced with Charles or something…”

“Oh come on! Sorry I’m not Charles.” Sadie grabbed Molly’s hand and drug her back into camp

Molly was confused as to why Sadie seemed so insistent to dance with her, but she was certainly pleased by the attention. She rarely got attention from this gang.

The dance went wonderfully; Molly almost felt something resembling butterflies in her stomach, which she dismissed as simple indigestion. It was perfect until Molly apparently got too close to Sadie and she asked, “Miss O’Shea, do you expect me to kiss you or what?”

Molly was horrified. She gave some phony excuse and ran away from the situation as fast as she could, ignoring Sadie calling after her. Things had been pretty awkward between them since then.

Molly was startled out her daydreaming when Karen yelled at her, “Hey Molly, what are you looking at? You wanna drink or something?” Oh great, Molly thought after realizing she had been staring this entire time.

Molly walked over to where Karen was and for just a brief moment, allowed herself to look at Sadie again. Unfortunately, Sadie seemed to have the same idea. Their eyes locked and Sadie subsequently excused herself to go talk to Abigail.

“What the Hell is her problem? Anyway, wanna drink? I’ll share mine. It’s the good kind of whiskey.” Karen offered some strong whiskey to Molly. There’s nothing Molly wanted less than to drink after Karen.

“I try not to drink outside of social settings.” Molly informed Karen, politely declining.

“Then WHY were you looking at me earlier?”

“I wasn’t.” Molly responded curtly.

“Then you were looking at Sadie. Cause I know you weren’t looking at these here two fools.” Karen made rude gestures at Mary Beth and Tilly.

“I wasn’t looking at anything, Karen. Just thinking.” Molly couldn’t find it within herself to look anywhere besides her feet.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to offend you. You two, get out of here. I need to talk to Miss O’Shea alone.” Molly tried desperately to get the other two girls to stay but Karen insisted they leave. Apparently, Karen had much more pull among the other women than Molly did. That wasn’t one bit surprising, but it still seemed wrong.

“Wow, you really don’t wanna talk to me. My feelings are so hurt.” Karen took another swig of her drink before continuing. “Listen Molly, you know just as well as everyone else that I think you’re lazy and entitled. Just all around a nasty person.”

Molly nodded. Karen generally was straightforward and rude when she wanted to me, but it still seemed the drink must be doing a number on her for her to be able to say what she just had said.

“But for some reason my the dumb bitch in me has started to care. I didn’t think I had an angel on my shoulder, but here she is, annoying as ever, telling me, ‘Karen, you have to warn Molly. You don’t wanna see her get hurt.’ And then I tell them back that I don’t care if you get hurt but I still feel like I do care afterwards.”

It didn’t take much of an intellectual to make the observation that Karen had had too much to drink. Molly honestly couldn’t understand what she was saying: it sounded like a whole bunch of incoherent rambling in which she said a whole bunch, yet nothing at all at the same time.

“I’m not sure I follow.”

“Of course you wouldn’t. You don’t have a heart of gold like myself. But at least you do have a heart. Listen, I just wanted to let you know Dutch don't care about you.”

‘“Leave me alone, Karen. You’re drunk and I won’t hear anymore.”

“See, you know it’s true! He sees you as a toy more than anything. You’re gonna end up hurt and he’s not going to care one bit.”

“If you think he’s so bad, why are you still running with him?”

“A lot of us don’t have a choice, miss society lady. Besides, I know better to get involved with him.”

“Sure, Karen. Thanks, I guess.”

Molly had walked away and pretended like she hadn’t cared but even days later, the short conversation haunted her at every turn. Even late at night, lying in bed next to Dutch, she replayed the whole ordeal over and over again in her mind. She hated to admit it, but Karen was right. The man lying next to her didn’t feel much for her anymore, if he ever had in the first place. It was just cold lying next to him. Like sleeping with a complete stranger.

She had spent several consecutive nights not being able to sleep out of worry. Late into the night, she would search Dutch’s face for any sort of sign that maybe he cared about something, maybe not even her. She always came up with nothing.

It had become all too much for Molly. She found herself crying yet again. She had never known herself to be this emotional. Part of her wanted Dutch to wake up and see her in pain, but she knew in her heart that he wouldn’t care. He would just be irritated that someone interrupted his beauty sleep.

One night when Molly couldn’t control her crying any longer, she left their tent so as not to disturb Dutch. She walked towards the rock that she usually sat on while she read a book during the day. On her way, she noticed that Sadie was sitting on another rock on the other side of camp. What was she doing out this late. She supposed she would have to find out. Now was her chance to finally talk to Sadie and apologize for whatever had happened between them.

“Can I sit here with you?” Molly asked Sadie when she approached her.

“Always.” Sadie smiled at her.

“That would be nice.”

#red dead fanfic #rdr #rdr2 #red dead redemption #molly o'shea #karen jones #sadie adler #dutch x molly #sadie x molly #o'shadie

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loftec · 3 years

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what do u think about the new episode? because i personally fucking hate it :) i hate shameless, the only thing i care about right now is fic 😔

Same, my friend. I have been thinking about what to say or not to say about this for over a week and every time I've sat down to just type something out, I haven't been able to articulate anything. But I have so much to say, so I will try.

Now, if you (reading this, right now) are one of the lucky peeps who like this season and what it's got going for Ian and Mickey, so far... then maybe skip this rant. I honestly don't want to drag you down with my criticism. It's so ok to peacefully enjoy something without having to listen to people being crabby about the thing you love. Pax vobiscum.

That said.

(Crabby rant under cut.)

But if you're like me, kinda hurt and let down for the very last time, please stay a while. I'll tell you why I'm like this, and why I'm no longer angry, just disappointed.

Here's the thing, the first episode wasn’t any fun for me, but I quite enjoyed the second! It was the kind of low-stakes close-knit family stuff I want from a Shameless episode. Literally all they have to do to keep me happy is cram a bunch of Gallaghers into a kitchen and let them talk to each other for five minutes. I'm very easy to please. I like Sandy, I like what she does for Debbie's character. I like Tami, I like that Lip seems a lot happier. I like Liam, someone please take care of the boy. I like that Carl has a goal, and that he's all grown up. I like that Ian and Mickey are married and that they're a part of this family again. It’s a nice vibe, we’re having a party for Franny and it’s not perfect, but we learned something and we’re having fun. It’s fine.

On the whole, it’s nice. But for someone whose main priority is Ian and his significant other, it’s the same old bullshit all over again.

In seasons 1-5, I'm pretty sure Ian and Mickey only had like three conversations with each other that weren't plot relevant. But it was fine, it's en ensemble cast and Fiona, Lip and Frank got most of the A plots. Ian and Mickey had a lot of serious stuff going on, so the 5 minutes they got to do something each week had to be used dealing with all the shit they had to deal with. It's fine. This is fine. It's fine. I understand how TV works. We cut in on them in the middle of a conversation about Jean-Claude Van Damme, and I understand that they've spent the whole evening together and that they've talked about other things as well. Silly, inconsequential things, things people talk about when they like each other and want to be close and get to know each other. And when we're dropped in the middle of Ian, Mickey and Svetlana playing house in 5x1, I understand that it has been a period of time since we saw them last, and that things have changed. That they have talked about some things, and not talked about some things. And I happily played along and filled in all the gaps, I did the work; I imagined them together on a good day, on a calm evening lounging on the couch, on a lazy morning sleeping in. Quiet breakfasts, lively dinners. I imagined what they would say to each other, what they would talk about and what they still couldn't talk about. I did the work because it felt like it was worth it, because I knew that the story they were focusing on (Ian's illness and Mickey coming into his own) were worth it. That they needed every second they could get to tell the story of a mentally ill teenager and his abuse survivor boyfriend learning to love and support each other, and get better and grow up on their own terms.

I, the fool, kept thinking that one day. One day it would get better and they would get a break and the show would give them a minute, just a minute here and there, to be happy. Have a conversation that we could get in on. Have one good day for us to witness, and not just imagine.

Instead they broke them up for production reasons, for behind the scenes bullshit, for no reason at all, other than the simple fact that the show runners have never once cared about Ian and Mickey as much as we have. As much as Cam and Noel have. They had no qualms about rewriting a whole season's arc to make no sense in the last minute. They had no issues with throwing a beloved character in prison and leaving him there for a season and a half (which could have been good storytelling... if not every single Gallagher to ever get locked up had some lucky thing happen to spring them out again way before they’ve done their time). They had no problem with letting Ian say and do one thing one minute and then the exact opposite the next.

I think the thing that truly made me give up on the show at that time was the tattoo. We had such precious few things to work from when trying to understand these characters and we did our very best. We took the crumbs and we built a whole castle of cake. And one of the cornerstones, one of the first fucking things we ever knew about Mickey Milkovich, was that he could spell the name "Ian Gallagher". And if they wanted to give him a bad tattoo, they still could have. Maybe he did it himself and got it wrong because of the angle. Maybe there was a miscommunication and whoever did it on him got the name wrong. But no, they had to have him sit there and claim that he didn't know how to spell his boyfriend's name. It was so petty, so mean-spirited, such a massive fuck-you to anyone who dared to care and retain the things they'd previously told us about Mickey, I just had to stop caring about canon. I drew a line for myself around the canon I could understand as emotionally consistent, and ignored anything that landed on the other side of it. Perhaps not the best way to watch a TV show, but then I also stopped watching the show. So it worked out.

Anyway, this wasn't supposed to be about the first five seasons. But I'm obviously still bitter, and I wanted to explain why I'm well past the point of chasing after crumbs. Because it’s still the same bullshit, only now they’ve exchanged important, nuanced storylines about coming out and getting better for... I don’t know. Talking about sex and arguing about money.

Here is an incomplete list of loftec’s crumbs of disappointment, so far:

Ian and Mickey have been married for 6 (?) months, and the writers will have you believe they still have not had a conversation.

Ian is still relegated to C-plots (only now he's sometimes allowed in the background of an A plot, which is fun I guess but still not near what he deserves after all these years).

Meanwhile, Lip got two separate extended scenes detailing how he tricks his girlfriend into spending less money, in the first episode. That’s so much airtime spent on one point. In the second episode, he had a casual conversation with his baby! Ian and Mickey haven't had a casual conversation about anything since fucking never!

Ian and Mickey have talked about sex and money, so far. Nothing else. Important things, I'm sure. But let's compare this with Lip in the same episode. Lip and Tami wake up together, they get to be sweet to each other, talk about their lives and daily routine, they have a chat about coffee and someone they know who is having a hard time, then they get into the subject of their conflict du jour. Ian and Mickey get a weird allusion to how much sex they're having (so much sex you guys, just believe and it will come true!) and then they're arguing about jobs and money. For two whole episodes. Except that one time where they got derailed and accidentally talked about monogamy instead.

Monogamy. Something they haven’t talked about before. And apparently a word Mickey doesn’t understand, or know how to spell.

And it still feels so petty, because it's just. So specific. They could have chosen any of the magnificent character traits of Mickey's that they teased us with in the first five seasons, and this is the thing they pick? And then turn into a main character trait?? Mickey can't spell. Mickey doesn't understand words. Haha ha. And I'm not purposefully misunderstanding this scene, I promise. I understand what they were trying to do. I most certainly understand what Noel acted his ass off to convey. I am not here freaking out about Mickey wanting to be with other people, or Ian saying this or doing that. I'm not worried about them cheating or getting a divorce. I'm just really disappointed that this is where we are now.

That Mickey, who we all saw through and understood to be smart and loyal, quick on his feet and quippy as anything, has been reduced to this. I'm pretty sure he's had his hand down his pants in half the scenes he's been in so far. I don't know what that means, but it's like... a choice. And I don't like this choice. They could have had an insecure conversation about monogamy and money and we could have gone on this journey with them as they struggle with their inability to communicate and I would have been all for it, if it had been written with something more, anything else, something to break through the plump humor and crass approach to this marriage that Ian spent half of the last season trying to have a conversation about! But never got to, because the writers thought it would be funnier to have Mickey punch Ian in the face and run off with some guy, rather than talk to him!

Also, I know this is getting outrageously long, but the fighting. The fighting is another thing. Who here watched that scene in 3x9 where Ian tries to get Mickey to be honest with him and Mickey kicks him in the face rather than admit he's gay, and thought, hey! Guys being guys, am I right? Who here watched that scene in 5x10 when Ian punched Mickey in the face because he didn't know how to accept care from someone who loves him and wanted to feel a feeling, and thought; oh yes, this is just how they communicate! This is fine! I know I didn't. But sure, why not. It's a choice, I guess. They're just manly men, and manly men fight with their significant others. They beat the shit out of each other, no problem. This is not something we need to have a conversation about, not at all.

This is about writing. They easily could have written Ian and Mickey’s scenes differently. They could have had incidental bits of conversation, hinting at their lives outside of this conflict they’re having. They could have been in the background of someone else’s scene, just a quick gesture of something nice that would help flesh out the bits in between. They could have conversations and storylines about pretty much anything, and still bring up the question of monogamy and Mickey’s residual insecurities about Ian’s past infidelity. They could have been subtle about it, instead of writing a clown scene where Mickey acts like a clown and Ian doesn’t remember that he’s done a lot of shit in their past that they maybe need to talk about. Because they still haven’t talked about it? NOT ONCE? THEY WERE IN THE SAME CELL FOR MONTHS! AND NOT A SINGLE CONVERSATION WAS HAD. THIS IS FINE. I’M FINE.

I get it. This is supposed to be a fun show about whacky characters. It's supposed to be outrageous, the show runners and writers are choosing these things to get a reaction. I get it, and I don't like it and if you think this means that I should stop watching the show and shut up, then I agree with you.

But also, I love these characters and this community, and I want to like this season. Our last season. I want to watch it and still hope that Ian and Mickey will get to have a conversation about nothing special, just because they like each other, before it's over.

And if not, there is always fic. And you know I will be making them talk to each other in NTW until there are no words left.

#I want you to read this rant in hbomberguy's voice #please and thank you #would you believe me if I said this is the short version?#oh wow #i just scrolled up and realised how long this got #i'm sorry #don't read this #it's terribly silly and I should go to bed #Anonymous

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putschki1969 · 4 years

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KEIKO Newsletter #1 Long Interview - English Translation

This is an amazing and incredibly insightful interview so be sure to check it out. Really, everyone should read this. It’s very candid and you will be able to understand Keiko so much better after reading all of this. However, please note that this is fan club EXCLUSIVE CONTENT so DO NOT SHARE on other sites.

❗ Please support KEIKO ❗ ❗ JOIN HER FAN CLUB ❗ ❗ Check out my detailed TUTORIAL ❗

KEIKO Official Fan Club 肉とチョコレート Fan Club Magazine Volume #1: KEIKO Long Interview (p 2-6)

-- It's been such a long time since our last interview. KEIKO: That’s true *laughs*. But let's act naturally without putting on airs, there is really no need for that! -- Right *laughs*. How are you spending your days? KEIKO: I am fully immersed in my music. However, since it’s quite hard to be mobile right now due to Corona, I am mostly focusing on doing research for my voice. Originally I had planned to be busy with music production but due to the influence of COVID-19 restrictions, the recording did not progress smoothly. Quite the contrary actually, it took quite a while to finish a single song, the production almost came to a full stop for some time. That’s how I ended up with a little time to spare for my research. I am the type to really enjoy spending a lot of time working on my songs, so I was absorbed in my research, trying to find the best ways of expression. -- What type of research was it? KEIKO: I am studying how to best approach a new song. How can I align my voice with a song so it resounds in a pleasant manner? It's a lot of fun to figure out the right accents and intonations, where to position my vocals for the best possible reverberation, how to colour my voice to match the melody. Even though we are in this situation, I still feel like I am spending my time efficiently. Therefore, rather than saying, "I will just be patient and wait until this self-isolation period is over", I spend my days doing what I need to do. -- Listening to you talking right now, I get the feeling that you are very straightforward, your approach to music seems to be quite different compared to the past. KEIKO: It's not a better or worse approach but it's definitely completely different from what I used to do so you really cannot compare it... Now I'm working based on my instincts, if I feel like singing a song, then I will just do it. When it comes to “Ray” for example, my staff members recommended it to me, saying it would really suit me. So I just went ahead with it. The more time I spent focused on the song, the more addictive it became. I chose my other songs on a whim too simply because I wanted to sing them. Then I searched for a voice that would bring out the best of the song and make it shine. When I actually try to sing these songs with my own voice for the first time I usually feel like my voice doesn’t match but then I try and try again to pursue a better sound. -- Your own choices lead onto a new path for yourself! The very essence of a solo artist’s activities so to speak. KEIKO: When you say it like that, it starts feeling so real. It was so much fun to get immersed in these activities. -- I think the last time we met was on March 30, 2018, when Kalafina held a stage greeting for the premiere of your documentary film "Kalafina 10th Anniversary Film ~A Sparkling Harmony Spun out of Dreams~". What state of mind were you in after that? KEIKO: We made a commitment, a promise to ourselves, to all our fans and staff members so we were hell-bent on reaching our 10th Anniversary with all our might. As we continued to rush towards our goal regardless of anything else, my physical condition started to deteriorate. By the time we had achieved what we had set out to do I had reached my limit. Therefore I decided to take a rest in order to take proper care of my body.

-- You are the type of person that continues onwards in a stoic manner without ever taking a break... KEIKO: Yes! So I told myself, “you need to rest now!” -- Actually, at that time your physical condition seemed very fragile to me. KEIKO: I am sorry if I made you worry. I was very much aware of my state but I decided to ignore it in favour of pushing further ahead. I was determined to keep our promise. -- And then you finally took a break. KEIKO: I can talk about this openly now but I was actually thinking about completely retiring from music. For the longest time my entire existence revolved around being Kalafina’s Keiko and I was constantly switching the button on and off between my private and professional life. Once I wasn’t Kalafina’s Keiko anymore I ended up losing my presence of mind, I no longer knew who I was as an individual. I thought that there was nothing I could do in the world of entertainment, like I had no place there anymore. After all, you can only be active in this world if there is a demand for what you have to offer. -- Yes, that may be the case. KEIKO: But what the fans wanted was Kalafina. And that’s not something I felt like I was able to restore. “How should I best express myself if there is no demand for what I can offer as a solo artist?” This kind of thinking wasn’t positive at all so I thought I shouldn't return to the industry. That's why I felt it would be best for Kalafina's Keiko to just not do or say anything, I simply “disappeared”. That's honestly the reason why. -- The Keiko I know as an artist is stoic, diligent, very strict on herself but incredibly caring when it comes to others... an image of perfection so to speak. But truth is, it seems that music was your driving force, if you hadn’t had Kalafina’s music, you wouldn’t have been able to move ahead. KEIKO: Yeah, I wouldn’t have been able to move ahead at all. Actually, that’s a character trait of mine, whether you consider that to be a good or bad thing *bitter smile*. I am the type that’s able to keep running and pushing forward because my goals and ambitions dictate everything I do. That's why I couldn't return in this half-baked state of mind, after all, I don’t do half-measures and it would have felt like I was betraying everyone who had been supporting us in the past...at that time, I was seriously considering retirement, I guess it was because my mind and body were exhausted. -- This was probably the first time you ever experienced something like that in your life? KEIKO: Yes, it was the first time for me. Around that time, my nephew was born and we all went to see my grandmother after a long time. Something really weird happened there. When I looked at my nephew who had just been born and my grandmother who was 80 years older than him, I couldn’t help but see a striking resemblance, their faces were alike despite their enormous age difference, isn’t that strange? For some reason, that made me think about "life". Going to visit both of them regularly truly healed my heart. -- Maybe that’s something that would have gone unnoticed if you hadn’t put a halt to your busy life to rest a bit. KEIKO: Yes, I think so. I feel like it's been around 17 or 18 years since I have experienced such an everyday relaxed life. The time with my family released all the tension that had gathered up from my non-stop activities as Kalafina’s Keiko, all of a sudden, my deepest tensions were dissolved. When I was spending time with my grandmother, I remembered "aaah, back in the day, granny helped me put on a kimono!” I wanted to continue that tradition and learn the technique as well so I would later be able to help my niece and nephew put on traditional Japanese clothing. That’s why I decided to go to kimono school. -- Oh I see. KEIKO: Around summer time I met up with an old friend from school. During one of our chats the idea of a trip suddenly came up. Almost everyone has gone on a trip after graduating uni or something but I have actually never gone on a proper “girls trip”. I was like, “yeah, that would be great!” so my friend said, “okay, let’s go on a trip!” and that’s how we ended up taking a girls trip....We went to Angkor Wat, a World Heritage Site in Cambodia, I had always wanted to go there. This trip would not have been possible if I had continued my work as member of Kalafina, when we had made our plans it felt like I was thrown back to my high school days, it was very liberating *laughs*. I really wanted to experience the heat and humidity of Cambodia, the turbulent landscapes of the past and present, and the energy of the people living there. My friend was quite taken aback by my suggestion, "eh! Cambodia?!"

-- She was surprised you didn’t suggest a resort or something *laughs*. KEIKO: She told me, “I just didn’t expect that based on the image you portray” *laughs*. The time I spent with my family and friends separated me from the music I had pursued for such a long time. I didn't listen to a single song. Going four months without listening to music, it’s something I can’t remember ever experiencing before. -- Did you not want to listen to music? KEIKO: Music was just gone from my life or I guess it simply stopped coming into my life. Perhaps my brain was shutting it out in order to heal my mind and body. During that time, I discovered so many parts of myself that were completely different from Kalafina’s Keiko. My true nature I guess. I felt like that was the real KEIKO. I realised, “I didn't know myself at all!” The truth is, I have many insecurities so in order to protect myself I had created a fortress, an “image of Keiko” with high towers and lots of keys, I had felt comfortable hiding behind that image but the feeling of being released from myself was very refreshing. At that time I felt like I still had many changes ahead of me and that I would like to discover new aspects of myself that I didn’t know yet. I still feel that way. Slowly I want to scrape off one layer after the other from the facade I have carefully crafted throughout the years. -- Interesting. KEIKO: If you are living that kind of life, you are bound to feel better *laughs*. My health improved a lot! I felt so much lighter, like a heavy burden had been lifted off my shoulders, both my mind and body were able to heal and become healthy again. That was around the end of summer in 2018. During all this time various people from the music industry and media had contacted me because they were concerned. At the beginning, I would just reply, "I'm sorry, I can't deal with this right now..." Gradually though my opinion changed and by the end of summer I felt like I was ready to dip my toes into the industry again, I was like, “okay, let’s talk a little about my options.” I met up with the producer of my current agency. He asked me, "you have sung such a wide variety of songs in the past but what kind of songs do you want to sing from now on?" I couldn’t provide an answer because I honestly had no idea. For a few days I was super depressed because for the life of me I couldn’t figure out what music I wanted to sing. I mean, it’s a really pathetic situation for someone as involved in music as myself to not know what kind of music I want to do in the future. Then one day I thought, “that’s it, that’s enough, this has to stop right now” and wham, my switch was turned on. From then onwards, I was once again able to devote myself to music and I could listen to Yuki Kajiura's music without being negatively affected by it. -- So from one moment to the next you pretty much went from wanting to retire from the entertainment industry to wanting to resume your activities. KEIKO: Well, the demand was great. If there hadn’t been a demand, I would have never returned. Either way, I realise that my break was not a waste of time but rather a necessity. Later when I would discuss all of this with Kajiura-san she told me, "it’s a good thing that people like us are making music. For the general public we are just considered emotionally unstable but when it comes to music we can make good use of all our quirks and channel everything into our work”. Both of us broke into laughter after that *laughs*. -- Artists are truly fascinating people. It's wonderful that you are able to shine on stage. KEIKO: It’s tough for us though *laughs*! But well, it’s our music activities that provide us with energy. Right now I feel most calm when I am at the studio. Once my state of mind had gradually improved, I listened to a lot of live music from various artists. By experiencing music from the audience’s point of view I wanted to use my instincts to find out what kind of music got me excited, hoping that I would find something I would want to sing myself. I checked the songs that I really liked and found cool, I even tried to sing them in the studio. But no matter how many times I sang them, nothing felt right. Until one day when I came across a song that was randomly played on my smartphone, that one felt nice, it felt right. I knew I wanted to do that. It happened to be one of Kajiura-san’s songs. It just felt so genuine. On a whim, I decided to write a letter to Kajiura-san. I told her, "I have reached a point where I can sing again with a positive attitude. I once again realised that I was able to pursue my work as member of Kalafina for 10 years straight because I just really loved your music." That was at the end of 2018 and Kajiura-san immediately contacted me when she had received my letter, "don’t you want to meet up at the beginning of next year?" After not having seen each other for quite some time we talked for about five hours *laughs*. I shared my honest feelings with her and she suggested, "do you want to participate in my lives?" I was like, “absolutely!” So in January 2019 it was decided that I would take part in the upcoming Yuki Kajiura Live Tour.

-- Over the course of a year Kalafina’s Keiko and the Keiko that had absolutely nothing to do with Kalafina converged into a single person and became the KEIKO of today. KEIKO: I think 2018 was a very important year in my life. Once I had separated myself from music for a while, I was able to realise how important it was for me. After finishing the YK tour, I started delving a little into music production as "KEIKO" but rather than finding the music I wanted to do, more than anything I just wanted to be absorbed in the process of music production. Right now I am very open to all song suggestions by my producer, I won’t give anything a “no go” because I literally want to try everything. I am focused on the task of how to approach any given song. I don’t want to think too deeply about the whole process and it’s not so much about wanting or not wanting to sing it, first and foremost it’s about giving everything a try. -- I think in your previous activites you were taking things too seriously, always thinking deeply about everything and trying to figure out the meaning behind it all. So this new approach is definitely a big change for you, isn’t it? KEIKO: That's true! Sometimes I wonder, "is it okay to be so casual and carefree about it?" But really, more than anything it’s about being happy and I can honestly say that I am super happy focusing on the music production and doing research on different vocal techniques. -- In a sense, you are just innocently pursuing music? KEIKO: Yes and that’s amazing. I came back because I wanted to do this! -- You are able to work on your music with an open mind free from all responsibilities. KEIKO: I guess it’s okay to find joy in the innocence of doing that? -- Music is about being free, we can all enjoy it as we please so it’s totally fine. In fact, now that you are starting your solo activities I think it’s wonderful that you are able to pursue music with this sort of innocence, it’s like you are returning to your starting point and reliving that initial sense of excitement when you were making music for the very first time. KEIKO: I am glad you are saying this *laughs*. I still don't know where my music as KEIKO is heading. Right now it’s just about having fun. It’s really just that.

-- Coming back to your songs, when I first listened to 「命の花」, 「Be Yourself」 and 「Ray」 I felt like I had met a new KEIKO. KEIKO: I'm happy to hear that. -- I would like to talk a little about 「命の花」, it’s the first time you wrote the lyrics for a song, right? How did you come up with the lyrics? KEIKO: Actually, I came up with these lyrics thinking, "I want to sing this song as soon as possible!" It wasn’t so much about, "I want to convey this or that in my lyrics." I just loved the demo tape so much! I wanted to meet the person who wrote it. I was utterly captivated by this song. I listened to the demo tape again and again but I had trouble with the lyrics, I couldn’t really think of anything. I got frustrated because I wanted to sing it already so I just ended up applying all kinds of words to the melody. This is how the lyrics for “Inochi no Hana” came to life. I got sent dozens of demo tapes as candidates for my solo debut but for some reason I was absolutely fascinated by this beautiful melody. -- So you spun the words being guided by the beautiful melody that you fell in love with? KEIKO: It's embarrassing when people say "I was spinning words" becaue really, what I did wasn’t anywhere near as poetic or cool but yeah, I guess it was something like that. Although it was my first attempt at songwriting, one could say that I was able to write the lyrics in a natural manner without getting overwhelmed more than necessary. I was really just going back to my old habit of pursuing the "beautiful sound", something I had done ever since my Kalafina days. It took me some time to match the words born out of my emotions with the sound of the melody. Trying to respect that and wanting everything to match I would sometimes come up with quite mundane and simple phrases. But that was intentional. As long as my words fit the notes, that was fine with me, I think for my maiden work it is the best I could do. -- As a result, I feel like the lyrics resonate incredibly well with this beautiful melody. KEIKO: Thank you. I'm really looking forward to everyone’s reaction, I am wondering if I was able to touch my fans on an emotional level. If possible, I would like to hear a lot of your impressions. "How was it? Did you think it wasn’t so great? Did you not like it? Are you hoping my next songs will be better?” I wanna hear all of it *everyone laughs*. The staff members I'm working with right now sometimes have very different opinions, which is quite refreshing, it’s a lot of fun and very educating to work with them. They provide a stimulating environment where I notice things that I would’t have noticed before, they make me think about all kinds of things and they inspire me to be interested in lots of stuff. While exchanging opinions, I really feel like we have become TEAM KEIKO. -- You seem super happy and content talking to me like this. KEIKO: I keep wondering, is it okay to be like this? Am I being too naive and innocent? -- No! I Not at all! I think it’s perfect. Rather refreshing actually. KEIKO: I am a newbie after all (as solo artist)! *everyone laughs* -- One can tell that you are blessed with good staff! KEIKO: But really, it’s all an accumulation of my past activities. If it hadn’t been for my 10 years in Kalafina and if I hadn’t taken a well-needed break, I wouldn’t have this environment now. -- That’s true. As for "Be Yourself" and "Ray", they are quite the curve ball for everyone who is familar with your previous work. KEIKO: Indeed. I never meant to sing "Be Yourself" but when I mentioned that I really loved the song my producer said, “oh really? Then you should sing it!” *laughs* I asked myself if I should really take on the challenge of trying to sing a song with such a fresh and exciting vibe... I don’t think it would have been possible without my current staff members. I was able to take on the challenge because everyone was encouraging me and enjoying the ride along with me, no one was limiting me or questioning my potential. Until I actually worked on the song it was like a bag full of surprises for me, I had to idea what to expect and I couldn’t imagine the final outcome. By singing this song, I feel like I have expanded my range of music. As a listener, I have always loved listening to songs with such a youthful vibe. But never ever could I have imagined that one day I would be singing such a song myself *laughs*. I sang this song free from all obstructive thoughts, with a completely open mind, just focusing on the rhythm. As a result, it turned out to be a pretty tough song to sing so I spent about 3 days in the recording studio. -- I think your singing voice sounded very unique since it was inspired by the fresh and exhilarating rock vibe. This song must have really made you aware of your unknown abilities. And I felt that "Ray" was a song that powerfully conveyed your expressive power and passion as a solo singer. KEIKO: When it comes to “Ray” I wanted to find something that would properly represent “KEIKO - the solo singer”. Also, I wanted it to be a song one could listen to repeatedly without getting tired of it. I feel very insecure about my voice and I usually don't feel like listening to my own singing over and over again. However, I thought that I had to overcome these insecurities if I ever wanted to sing for my audience as a solo artist. After a lot of research we finally decided on "Ray". I recorded it with a particular focus on even the smallest sound. After dealing with this song, I had a much easier time approaching new songs. I got much faster at finding the right sound and expression to suit a new melody. This was definitely the song that solidified my singing as a solo singer. -- Regarding “Hajimari wa”, I think we will talk about it in depth when we do our next interview. But overall I would say that you have released some impressive work ever since your solo debut. Solid music with a lot of range and depth. I think your solo debut was truly spectacular. KEIKO: I'm really blessed. To think that someone like me who thought of quitting not too long ago would be given such a wonderful production environment. Moreover, I couldn't have ever imagined all the different kinds of expressions I get try out now, these are all ways of singing that I have never used before. -- I think one can and should try new things at any time in life, regardless of age or the stage you are in your career. KEIKO: By all means! If anyone wants to try something new I can tell you this from the bottom of my heart, "please don't be afraid! If you fail, you can start over, just try to feel like a child again, do not surpress your honest feelings!" I wish there would be more people with that kind of motivation. In the past I couldn't have considered that way of thinking either *laughs*. But now I have genuinely started to think this way. I would like to continue my musical activities conveying these ideas for my loyal fans who have loved me for such a long time and for everyone who I will meet in the future.

Interviewer: Akihiro Tomita He has done lots of interviews with Kalafina in the past, he moderated some of their events, he appeared in their 10th Anniversary movie and of course he is currently Hikaru’s manager/producer at Hifumi.

#kalafina #keiko #my translations #fan club exclusive content #Meat and Chocolate #niku to chocolate #肉とチョコレート #🍖🍫#fan club magazine #long text post #I just LOVE reading these interviews #keiko <3

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nellie-elizabeth · 3 years

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Doctor Who: Revolution of the Daleks (2021 New Years Special)

I honestly really loved that! Like, a lot!

Cons:

It wasn't perfect, however. Of course. A few little nitpicky things, and one or two bigger complaints:

So, the bad guy was a little too one-note evil capitalist/politician. Some of his lines made me roll my eyes, like "this is a PR nightmare" being his reaction when he learned that the Daleks were eating liquified humans. The irony of him suddenly being hailed as a hero worked okay, but he was maybe just a touch too cartoonish for my personal preference, in an episode that mostly managed to feel really grounded.

Sometimes the Dalek stories will touch on this "race purity" thing, and the Doctor will talk about how they are beings of hate, and it really feels like we're doing a Nazi allegory, but they don't quite... go somewhere with it? Like, we've got the Prime Minster character talking about protecting borders and increasing security, and then the Daleks who are trying to stamp out "impurities," right? And there's something there, it's not exactly the most subtle of story craft, I guess I just wish it felt more intentional. The Daleks have metaphorical resonance here, and I'm not sure it was totally utilized.

My biggest complaint is one that could have been fixed with an added line or two of dialogue. See, the Doctor drops her "fam" off, then immediately gets imprisoned and remains trapped for literal years, from her perspective. Jack shows up and saves her, and when they return back to Earth, ten months have passed for Graham, Ryan, and Yaz. And the fam, especially Yaz and Ryan, are pissed. They're livid with her for abandoning them, and it really made them think about their place in life, if they want to stay with the Doctor or not. That's all well and good, but there's not really a confrontation of the fact that the Doctor didn't abandon them because she was off on a lark... she was imprisoned. Alone, cut off, for years. I was really flummoxed by the lack of sympathy extended by the others. I know it's her "fault" or maybe the TARDIS' "fault" that she got back ten months later, but what about the years that she spent without them? In my opinion, there was a lack of balance in dealing with that aspect of things.

Pros:

So... if Yaz is not supposed to be in love with the Doctor, someone forgot to tell the actors. And writers. Because WOW. I'm kind of obsessed with the way Yaz was written here. When the Doctor is gone, both Graham and Ryan try and get on with their lives. But Yaz remains firmly focused on finding the Doctor. Of all three companions, Yaz is the one who gets a special moment with Jack, where they basically commiserate over what it's like to be in love with the Doctor and know you won't get to stay with her forever. And then Yaz decides to stay, while the other two leave the TARDIS. There is just so much material here, so much love and desperation from Yaz. There were ways to make this a lot more no-homo, and they didn't take it. For example, during the Jack and Yaz conversation, Jack starts off talking about all the amazing things he got to see with the Doctor, and how losing that was so hard. But Yaz doesn't frame it around her experiences in general, she frames it around the Doctor as a person - wishing she'd never met her so she wouldn't have to suffer knowing what she'd be losing. It's GAY, I tell you. GAY!

Just look at Yaz's arc in this episode. She's missing the Doctor, she's conflicted about staying with her because of the heartbreak awaiting her at the end, but she chooses, ultimately, to stay by her side. Honestly, Yaz is the first companion since... well... Rose, maybe, whose character arc is best served by staying with the Doctor forever. Because she loves her. Romantically. Other companions, notably Martha, Amy, Rory, and Bill, all had other shit going on, other things they had to learn through their adventures. A life to grow into. Yaz? Yaz's place is by the Doctor's side, and I for one am thrilled to see where they're going with this. Come on, BBC. Don't be cowards. Make it gay.

Having Jack back in this special was such a treat. He's an undeniably fun and hilarious character, but Barrowman grounds the performance and gives Jack some real weight. I kind of love the way Jack and this version of the Doctor interact, with this depth of history but also a certain frostiness. We must remember that the Doctor knows what happens to Jack, exactly how long he'll live and how his end will come, and this version of the Doctor, more than any of the other modern versions, has a bit of a wall up when it comes to revealing her inner self to the people around her. But they still love each other, and you can see that love shining through the performance. At first, I was kind of miffed that Jack basically made his exit offscreen, just a voiceover saying he was staying on Earth, a very casual goodbye... but then actually I ended up loving that choice. It's like the Doctor and Jack are two people who were once very close, and will always have that bond, but now they're kind of like time traveling coworkers, just flitting in and out of each others' orbits. The way Jack leaves, there's no reason why he might not come back another time. It's refreshing and fun.

And Jack gave himself a bit of a mentor role in this episode, coaching the others (especially Yaz) on what it is to be the Doctor's companions, on what it might mean. I loved the moment when the Doctor came up with a plan to defeat the Daleks, and while the others were all confused, Jack got exactly what she was doing and tried to talk her out of it right away. Then, when the ship needed to be destroyed, the Doctor assigned the task to Jack, knowing that he'd be happy to blow it up. That shared history really shined through for me!

And now let's talk about Ryan and Graham leaving the TARDIS to stay on earth. Earlier, I was talking about companions and how for the most part, the characters have a growth arc over their time with the Doctor. For Ryan and Graham, it was about healing their relationship, as they grieved for their shared loss. And they did that. They have purpose now, as we see them continuing their life and fighting to protect Earth in the Doctor's absence. I love the idea of having more companions around for the Doctor to interact with. This has never been an ensemble show (not since it rebooted anyway), and the gimmick works best by having the Doctor and one or a small number of companions along for the ride in the TARDIS. But imagine Ryan or Graham giving the Doctor a call someday, whether it be in this regeneration or the next, because they need help with a problem back on Earth. Or maybe the Doctor calls them up the next time she's in the neighborhood! It warms my heart to think about it!

I haven't talked much about the Daleks or, you know, the actual plot of this special, and that's because frankly I'm not sure that was where its strengths lie. And that's okay! I will say I liked that the focus remained on the characters and their relationships, but we also had some commentary about the growing prevalence of the police state in first-world western countries. And capitalism is always an easy motivator for a villain, and that was executed more or less well, barring the complaints I made above. It was a serviceable story that created a proper threat, while really only being there to serve as a backdrop for the human drama.

So that's it! I've seen some mixed responses to this one floating around, but I for one quite enjoyed myself, and I'm excited to meet this new companion coming in. As long as they don't try and make him a love interest for Yaz or the Doctor. These ladies are spoken for.

8/10

#review #doctor who #doctor who review #dw

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puckinganderson · 5 years

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Finding You - Part One

Feat. Josh Anderson

Word Count: 3,949

Warnings: language, drinking, smut

A/N: I hope you all love this!! This is my first attempt at writing, so I appreciate any and all feedback :)

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“(Y/N), let’s fucking gooooo,” yelled Kate from your downstairs. It was a freezing cold Thursday night, so you weren’t entirely sure why you let you best friend convince you to go out.

It had been three months since you caught your boyfriend of two years with his coworker. To be honest, you really weren’t too upset and it put into perspective how much you didn’t care about him or the relationship.

All you felt after the break-up, really, was lost. It was your senior year of college and you’d wasted two years with someone you didn’t even really love. What else in your life were you content with, but not truly happy? Life went on, but you found yourself in a daze unless Kate forced you out of it.

Tonight was one of those nights. Looking in the mirror, you really didn’t recognize the girl staring back. A baby blue, Victoria’s Secret, bodysuit was snug underneath your black jeans and leather jacket. To top it off, a pair of heeled boots added two inches to your frame.

Kate had spent time curling your hair into relaxed waves and giving you a soft smoky eye. Honestly, you were feeling good. Confident, even, for the first time in months.

You grabbed your clutch and headed downstairs to find an impatient Kate waiting at the door to catch an Uber.

Finally making it into the new Short North bar, you headed straight to get a drink, needing the alcohol to kick in already. You were most definitely not someone that could dance without a few drinks to loosen up first.

“Kate, I need a shot before dancing,” you yelled to your best friend over the music.

Let’s be real, you were the most ungraceful person known to mankind. After throwing back a shot of tequila and grabbing your Crown and Coke, you head to the dance floor.

Two drinks later and the booze was finally starting to kick in enough that you can forget all of the eyes watching you make a fool of yourself on the dance floor.

You really weren’t sure how long you and Kate had been dancing when she wandered off to the bathroom and you decided to grab another drink.

“One Crown and Coke, and a vodka cranberry please,” you rambled off the go-to order that Kate and you always shared.

Heading back to your dancing spot to wait for Kate, you bumped into a hard chest and felt your drink slosh onto the unknown guy.

“Shit, I’m so sorry,” you mumbled and and looked up to see the softest eyes gazing back.

You felt your cheeks flush and heat up immediately under his stare.

“Oh no worries, it’ll dry,” he ensured with a smirk, surely noticing your embarrassment. “I’m Josh.”

Seeing Kate appear from behind him, she grabbed the vodka cranberry you had gotten her. Clearly she could tell you were nervous and didn’t know what to say.

“(Y/N), let’s go dance,” she said while taking your hand to pull you away from who you now new was Josh.

Looking back over your shoulder, you offered Josh a soft smile and followed Kate to a somewhat empty spot on the dance floor.

“Ugh thank you for saving me from myself,” you whispered in Kate’s ear.

“You looked like a deer in headlights,” she yelled over the music and you threw your head back laughing.

“I mean, did you see how fucking huge he was? I didn’t know what to say,” you giggle back to her.

“Well don’t worry, I saw the way he was eye fucking you and it won’t be the last time he talks to you tonight,” Kate ensured but you scoffed.

Sure, you looked hot, but it had been for-fucking-ever since you were at a bar trying to pick up guys.

After a few songs you forgot about Josh and were screaming the lyrics of Across the Room with Kate. It felt good to finally let loose after so long of holding back. Your ex really hadn’t done a number on you, but it felt like you had done one on yourself.

Since the break-up, you had realized how many opportunities you passed up while in a lifeless relationship.

You weren’t the girl who got a guy and ditched her friends or family. No, those relationships stayed intact. You were great at putting others first and focusing on there needs.

What you lost was yourself. Constantly feeling emotionally drained, you failed to keep up with hobbies or passions. Traveling, reading, volunteering - all of it was ignored. The only thing you consistently enjoyed was working out since you could lose yourself in music and ignore reality for a little bit every day.

Classes, a part-time job, your relationship, keeping up with friends and family - it was all pulling from you every day until there was no more left. Nothing replenished it.

For once, it felt like a little bit of you was coming back. You sure as hell didn’t want to feel that way ever again.

“Hello, (Y/N), are you ok?” Kate shouted in your face.

Not realizing you had zoned-out, you apologized. Finishing your third drink, Kate went off to buy the next round.

You heard the music of Feel So Close and felt the biggest grin take over your face. It had been forever since you and Kate screamed the lyrics at the top of your lungs, so you looked around to see if she was on her way back.

While trying to find her, your eyes were pulled to Josh in the corner of the bar by a booth. He had clearly been staring at you, so you didn’t know what to do but look away awkwardly. Thankfully, Kate was headed back so you started singing the lyrics with her obnoxiously.

When the song was winding down, and you and Kate were done being so ridiculous, you stole a glance back over and Josh’s direction. He was laughing with another guy, but was turned in your direction.

This time he gave you a subtle head nod, and something in you snapped. Fuck it. Throwing back your drink, you handed it off to Kate.

“I’ll be back,” you told her as your feet already carried you in Josh’s direction. Maintaining eye contact the whole way over, his friend realized something had his attention and turned to see you too.

“Hi, I’m (Y/N),” you introduced yourself to Josh.

“Oh I know, I heard your friend call out your name before you ran off to go dance,” he answered smoothly, licking his lips that you couldn’t help but stare at.

“Sorry, it’s a girls night,” you replied coyly.

“Well, then what are you doing over here now?”

“I’m not really sure, I kinda came over on a whim,” you told him honestly.

Josh’s friend was watching the two of you go back and forth, when you turned to introduce yourself to them.

“Hi, I’m (Y/N),” you repeated.

“Seth,” a guy with darker features said while shaking your hand.

Knowing that Kate was single, and let’s face it your best friend was a babe, you turned to call her over. She caught your eyes and got the hint, walking over.

“Seth, this is my best friend Kate. Kate, this is Seth.”

The two started talking and you turned your attention back to Josh. He was eyeing you curiously and had the smallest smile cross over his face.

“I’m sorry about the drink early, hopefully it doesn’t ruin your shirt,” you apologized again.

“Seriously it’s not a big deal,” he chuckled.

“Well I don’t love spilling my favorite drink on a stranger.”

“I’m not a stranger anymore, so that really doesn’t matter,” Josh challenged.

Even in your heels, Josh was still significantly taller than you. He really was the perfect height though, making you feel small when he leaned down to talk in your ear.

In the crowded bar, someone walked behind you and bumped you into Josh. His hand grabbed your hip instantly to steady you so you didn’t fall. Feeling the warmth from his skin seep into yours, you felt goose bumps break out all over your body.

Looking up into his eyes, you realized how close you were to his lips. It felt hard to breath all of the sudden, when a song came on that made Josh chuckle.

“Wanna dance?” He asked, while clearly not taking no for an answer because he was already pulling you towards the dance floor.

For being so tall, you really didn’t expect him to be able to dance. Especially not to a song like Señorita.

Josh pulled you flush into him, so your hands had no choice but to rest on his shoulders. Both of his hands gripped onto your hips and he moved you both to the beat.

Most guys just wanted to feel your ass rub their dicks, so it was a really hot that he didn’t do that.

Pulling your face close to his, Josh kept eye contact throughout the whole song. His cheeks were flushed and lips parted. You were sure that your panties were fucking soaked and all you were doing was dancing.

You looked down at Josh’s lips and realized how soft they look.

“Kiss me,” you told Josh while deciding to just take a chance again tonight.

He let out a soft groan and smashed his lips to yours instantly. It was the perfect amount of pressure that wasn’t too much, but also showed that he wanted you.

Not even sure when the songs had changed, you let your head fall back to get a breath of air. Josh immediately dove in and you felt his stubble scrape your neck.

“Fuck,” Josh muttered hearing you gasp at the feeling of his lips on the sensitive spot below your ear.

“Josh, let’s go. Now,” you demanded as he took a deep breath of air and looked up at you.

“Uh yeah, c’mon,” he answered, grabbing your hand and leading you over to Seth and Kate.

While Josh said goodbye to his friend, Kate gave you a huge grin and pulled you over a few feet.

“(Y/N), fuck yes!” Kate shouted.

“Keep it down,” you begged her, hoping Josh hadn’t heard.

“That was so hot, I think everyone in this place was watching,” she rambled, while you rolled your eyes.

“Ok, well we’re leaving,” you told her, taking a step to go when you saw Josh waiting.

“(Y/N),” she said, grabbing your hand. “I’m happy to see you letting loose for once, let me know if you need anything.”

Taking a second to appreciate your friend and all of her support, you pulled her in for a hug and gave her peck on the cheek.

“I don’t know what I would have done without you Kate. Have fun with Seth!” You said with a wink.

Turning to see Josh waiting with a smile, you walked over and he took your hand.

“Ready?” Josh asked to make sure again.

“Absolutely,” you answered feeling sure about something for once in your life.

Josh had already called an Uber so you didn’t have to wait long in the cold. The ride back to his apartment wasn’t long and on the way there he made small talk about Columbus while holding your hand.

Stepping on the elevator, the energy shifted back to the intensity you felt on the dance floor. Within seconds after pushing his floor and the doors closing, Josh had you back against the elevator wall and his mouth was at your neck again.

“Oh fuck Josh,” you moaned while threading your hands through his hair.

He kissed his way back up to your lips and kept them there until you heard the doors ding open again. Josh grabbed your hand and led you to his apartment a few doors down.

Closing the door behind you two, he surprisingly offered a drink rather than jumping you again.

“Sure, I’ll take a glass of wine if you have any,” you told him.

Leading you to the kitchen, he placed you on the counter and then went to open a bottle. After pouring you both glasses, he brought yours over. Taking a sip, you leaned your head back a little savoring the perfectly sweet red - your favorite.

“Why’d you pick this?” You questioned.

“You seemed like a red kind of girl, and you definitely tasted sweet at the the bar so I figured that’s what you liked,” he answered with a wink.

Finishing off the glass, you set it down and grabbed onto the belt loop of his pants.

“I’m not always that sweet,” you whispered, while looking down to his lips.

He took the cue and pressed his lips to yours once more. You went to work, unbuttoning Josh’s shirt and pushing it off his thick shoulders. It could’ve been seconds or minutes you two spent kissing, but it didn’t stop until you both needed a deep breath.

Taking the time to soak Josh in, you realized just how huge this guy was. With thick shoulders and arms and a solid muscular stomach, he made you feel tiny.

Pulling you off the counter, you wrapped your legs around his waste and Josh carried you to his room. Turning the lights on to a dim setting that wasn’t too bright, he set you down.

Sticking with the theme of the night, you were more brave than normal and pushed him up against the wall. Your hands dropped to his jeans, working to get them down his hips while leaning up to give him a kiss.

You pushed his boxer briefs down next and his cock sprang free. The sight of it made your panties pool and mouth water.

Dropping down your knees, you gripped the base of his cock in your hand and kissed his stomach along the way. Starting out slow, you leaned in to press a kiss on the left side of the base of his cock, finding a sensitive spot.

Leaning back, you started to pump your hand slowly and lick the tip of his cock.

“Fuck,” Josh hissed out when his hips jolted.

Taking this as a cue to go further, you wrapped your lips around him and started to work the length into your mouth.

Feeling comfortable with his size, you peeked up at him through your lashes. The sight of his face twisted with pleasure made you moan around his cock.

Your mouth needed a break so your wrapped both hands around him and focused on the tip with your mouth.

Moving faster, you could feel him start to tighten so you went for the final thing to bring him over the edge. Reaching both hands to the back of his thighs, you took as much of his cock into your mouth, moving quickly.

“Oh God, (Y/N), I’m going to come if you don’t stop,” Josh groaned out.

“Come in my mouth Josh,” you moaned, giving him permission.

You could feel his thighs tightening and knew he was going to come. Working faster, you brought a hand to his balls to bring him over the edge.

Josh pulled tighter on your hair and shot into your mouth in warm spurts, grunting out your name loudly.

“Fuuuuuck (Y/N),” you heard him moan out.

You sucked the last drop off of him and then released him from your mouth on a pop. Standing up for your own turn, you leaned forward along the way to press a few more kisses to his solid stomach.

“Mmmm Josh, that was fucking hot,” you mumbled between kisses.

Giving him some time to come down from his high, you reached forward to kiss and suck on his neck. After a few moments, you felt him come back to life and he started to undo your pants. Pushing them down your thighs, you were left in just your baby blue lingerie bodysuit.

“Sweet Jesus, you’re trying to kill me,” he groaned out at the sight.

This gave you a boost of confidence and you slowly backed away from him towards the head. Keeping eye contact, you reached up to push the straps of your lingerie down. Josh’s gaze heated and he looked ready to pounce, but he continued to watch what you would do.

When the backs of your legs hit the bed, you pulled the whole ensemble down. Picking it up, you threw it to where you jeans laid on the ground in front of Josh’s feet.

Josh’s cock had already begun to harden in your silent stand-off. Looking back up at him, you made his control snap with a small smirk. In two steps he closed the distance and was throwing you back on the bed.

“Josh!” You squealed, loving his reaction.

“Do you know how sexy you are?” Josh pushed, while reaching his hand to find out how soaking wet you were. “Fuck, your pussy is drenched.”

Josh began to rub your clit with the pad of his thumb, causing you to moan loudly. He started to suck at your neck, surely leaving marks, and pushed two fingers into you.

“Ohhhhhhh,” you breathed out load.

“That’s right baby, ride your pussy on my hand,” Josh demanded as your hips moved to the rhythm of his hand.

Suddenly the pressure was gone and you groaned out annoyingly.

“Josh please,” you mewled, but he was already kissing his way down your stomach.

With a look up to see you impatiently watching him, he licked up through your folds. Josh blew out a cool stream of air on your clit and you threw your head back and bucked your hips.

“(Y/N) sit still,” he demanded and pushed down on your hips with an arm.

Latching onto your clit, he went to work teasing, sucking and nibbling. There were too many sensations at once and you felt a burn start in your legs.

“That’s it baby,” he praised between his assaults.

Josh kept up the pace and fucked two fingers into you. The pleasure was too much and it pushed you over the edge.

“Fuck Josh, I’m coming,” you moaned out on a breath, while grinding your hips into his mouth.

Josh finished his assaults and crawled back up your body, giving you a deep kiss so you could taste yourself on his tongue.

“Condom, now,” you demanded on a moan.

Josh reached over to his bedside table and grabbed one, handing it to you. You tore the package and rolled the condom over his hard cock.

“I wanna see you ride me, that ok baby?” He asked while already grabbing your hips to flip you on top of him.

You were intimidated since he was so big, but his request turned you on too much to say no. Reaching down, you grabbed the base of his cock and guided it to your entrance.

Slowly, you sank down onto his cock, giving yourself time to adjust to his size. With one hand on his stomach, you could barely breath when you were seated to the hilt.

“Give me a second to adjust and I’ll move,” you breathed out to him.

“Fuck (Y/N),” he groaned, licking his lips.

Finally feeling ready to move, you started to slowly work his cock by rocking back and forth. The pace was killing you both, just enough to tease.

On a moan, You raised yourself onto your toes and then crashed back down hard.

“Baby, keep doing that,” Josh begged.

Steadying yourself with your hands on his stomach, you continued to bounce up and down on his cock at a steady pace. The angle perfectly hit your clit and soon you found yourself clawing at Josh.

“Raise up on your knees (Y/N),” Josh told you.

Josh grabbed onto your sides, lifting you a little and making a bridge with his hips. He flattened his feet against the mattress and fucked himself up into your pussy.

“Oh God, Josh keep going please,” you whined.

At this angle you could bend forward to kiss him, so you leaned down and latched onto his lips with a moan.

“I’m close (Y/N),” Josh breathed out.

Needing an extra push over the edge, you reached down and started rubbing your clit in circles. The sensations on your clit and Josh slamming into you were too much and you crashed over the edge.

“Joshhhhh,” you moaned loudly, milking his cock with your pussy.

“Fuuuckkkkk,” he grunted, and you could feel his cock spasming in you.

Stilling on top of him, you took a few deep breaths. After a moment when you finally felt like air was reaching your lungs, you rolled off of Josh.

Holy fuck, where had that come from? You were not the sexy girl who went home with a random guy, let alone having hot sex like that. You didn’t even know a single thing about this guy except for his name. You’d barely known Josh for five minutes and he made you feel more sexy than your ex had in years of dating.

“(Y/N), stop thinking so much. I can hear it all the way over here,” Josh chuckled to himself.

“How’d you know I was thinking too hard?” You questioned Josh.

“Your muscles tensed up and I could see crease on your face,” he explained while running his fingers across your eyebrows to smooth the skin out.

“Be right back,” Josh got off the bed and padded to an attached bathroom.

What do you even do now? You definitely weren’t gonna be the girl who stayed and expected breakfast, but do you leave right now? This had been the best sex of your life, and you wouldn’t mind having more but you needed time to think.

Coming back a minute later, he had new boxer briefs on and a wash rag. Bending over to you, he wiped up between your thighs.

“Uh thanks,” you told him, not really sure what to say. Rolling off the bed, you went to search for your body suit and jeans.

“Where are you going so fast?” He questioned with a confused look on his face.

“Well I’m going home,” you answered dryly.

“Oh ok, let me get dressed and I’ll take you,” Josh offered as he got off the bed looking for pants.

“Josh, really it’s fine. I’m a big girl and I know what this was,” you said, heading out of his bedroom to find your jacket before you could hear an answer.

Walking into the kitchen, you saw it thrown on the ground along with Josh’s shirt. Shrugging it on, you picked up his shirt and folded it neatly on the counter. Turning around to leave you saw Josh was standing in the hallway blocking your escape route.

“Do you really have to go so soon?” Josh pushed, not letting you past.

“Yeah, uh I have class in the morning and I’m sure you do too so I need to go,” you answered looking up at him. His cheeks were still flushed from his orgasms and his hair was a mess.

“Alright well then let me at least get your number,” he asked, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Josh I had fun, lots of fun,” you said, which caused Josh to chuckle. “But let’s not make this into something more than it is. All we know is each other’s names, and if we push that it’ll ruin our fun night. Let’s just leave it at this.”

Reaching up, you gave him a kiss on the lips. Using his shocked reaction as an advantage, you moved around him and headed to the door.

“See you around I guess,” Josh mumbled, but you were already out the door.

#nhl fic #josh anderson #hockey imagine #josh anderson imagine #finding you #puckinganderson #josh anderson fic

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ddaenghoney · 4 years

Text

chapter one

masterlist link in blog description.

As a successful songwriter, you want nothing more than the acknowledgment that the chart-topping musical pieces are your own creations. But contracts, relationships, and the difficulty of facing the stakes involved head on, keep your mouth shut until pressure builds too much.

Pairing(s): Park Jimin x Y/N, Min Yoongi x Y/N

disclaimer: any characters depicted do not represent the actual personality of the respected idol in real life.

Series warning(s)/genre(s): Chapter-based written fic, Slow-burn relationship(s), Fake-dating, Unrequited love, Songwriter/producer!oc, idol!Jimin, idol/songwriter/producer!Yoongi, friends with benefits, drama, romance, smut, angst, fluff (updated as needed)

Chapter warning(s): none.

Word count: 5013

if you enjoy please, please let me know!

“What if this album has my name in the credits?”

Tension shifts, where idleness and chatting of the choices presented neatly on the table became a new quiet. Glances bore like bullets, burning dots onto your back, shoulders, profile--avoiding the direct stare towards the CEO. She didn’t attend meetings like this usually. Just a divergence from normalcy due to a client canceling and her deciding to check in on the upcoming record for the most famous of the idols in the company.

Jimin’s neck remains still, eyes not focusing down at the copies of songs he was given at the beginning of session. Sitting beside the lady in charge whom only allows her eyes to address your sentence when the silence drifts into awkwardness. Her expression holds elegance, yet firm conviction set within her eyes. No words for another moment, but the ambiance feels reclaimed. No longer disturbed by your interruption of usual affairs.

“Why?”

The table hides your hands as they compress all of the tension into formed balls on your lap. Composed, composed; you left your mouth closed to consider the phrasing. This is owed to you. Your voice wasn’t as loud when you replied, “I wrote the songs.”

“So?”

You bite your tongue by choice. A way to repress more frustration.

“It’s best to keep lyrical credits to the minimum. Jimin’s name and the producers are enough mostly.” She dismisses the idea, while looking back at the papers you spent the past two months typing lines to. Her pen scribbles notes on the margins. Short ones, only a sentence of acceptance, before flipping to a new page.

At the returning conversation of concepts to fit the new album, your hands uncurl. The head stylist talks mindlessly with Jimin’s manager to go over the budgeting for the first music video’s costumes. An intern exits with an order to bring coffee from the breakroom. Your head tilts towards the dark wood, reflective only of a blurry shadow. Barely in your peripherals, Jimin’s hand settles on the table across from you.

His eyes are ready to meet yours when your head lifts back up. Face absent of a smile, but the sympathy in his eyes tells you he holds words at bay. Unspoken.

“What if it’s just one song?” Spoken for yourself.

Jimin’s eyebrows furrow at your continuation, wondering if you were truly unaware of the rolling eyes from those sat beside you. If you thought you could get a different outcome.

“It doesn’t have to be the title track, but one shouldn’t be an issue, right?”

“Your contract doesn’t require me to heed your desires.” The paper held in the CEO’s hand casts beside the stack, flurrying noise for a second. “And it states very clearly that you’re not to be credited. This is for the best interest of the idols.” She doesn’t regard your frowning, completely empty of care as she reaches for her mug.

“But hardly anyone would even notice-”

“Your name adds nothing to the credentials.”

Words evade your throat, while the air in it becomes invasive. It hitches into place, and the door reopens for the intern to walk with her heels clicking on the floor. No one speaks, but the focus on your person is apparent. Jimin’s finger taps once on the table, hesitantly, unassumingly.

You rise from the chair, ignoring the burn in your throat when he stays silent like the rest. But he does watch you exit the room, index finger leading for the others to drag into a fist on the polished table. Your sneakers make little noise as you go across the tile, frustratingly allowing you to hear the CEO thank the intern for more tea.

While you glare at nothing, the frosted glass door became closer. Reaching to pull it, you keep your jaw locked from the anger wanting to fall out, too far from reality to be prepared for the man on the other side. Your body bumps completely into him, a gasping curse whispering from your lips, followed by quick apologies when he steps back from the force. Confused eyes squint at your person as you mutter more about it being an accident, but the call behind you from someone asking what happened causes you to apologetically lower your head. A foot shift to the side of the stiffened man, then you pace down the hallway to the elevators.

“Did she get hurt?” The wheels on Jimin’s chair roll back as he starts to stand. “Or you too, I guess.”

“I’m fine.” Yoongi steps into the meeting room, regarding the CEO with a deeper bow of his head while he shuts the door behind him. “I was just going to ask about the equipment I need moved in my studio. The secretary said this meeting was finished.”

“It is.” Jimin bites his lip as the CEO ignored what just occurred. Signing her name onto the corner of the paper, like she did with the songs she was most favorable of. “Jimin has his title track chosen.” She passes the paper to the manager whose hands are prepared to take the song as though Lee Yerin was gifting him a jewel.

Jimin sits back into the cushion of the desk chair, hands fidgeting on his lap, as he wonders about following you, but he stays. You’re likely to the lobby at this point, and he wouldn’t leave without a cap and sunglasses in the very least. His phone escapes his pocket as he types the passcode, looking up at the CEO as she stands.

“Finish up here if there’s more to say. I’ll go with Yoongi to his studio.”

---

You groan loudly as the automated doors behind you shut. Walking swiftly to the curbside, you begin surveying for a taxi, or a truck to hop into the back of never to be seen again. The one opportunity to speak to the CEO in front of others involved in Jimin’s album and none of them said a word in your favor. Your tongue clicks, waving an arm to catch the attention of a driver. It wasn’t like you truly expected any of them to speak for you, but all the words you prepared for the circumstantial moment crossed your mind. The fluid sentences and reasonings all turned into white noise when you actually willed yourself to attempt opening the gate into the topic. A wonder lingers if you even managed to budge it. Doubtful.

In the taxi, your phone vibrates systematically, and for a moment you worry that it’s someone calling to reprimand your behavior. Taking a breath, you pulled the device from your jeans, internally cursing at the clothing you wore that day. You hadn’t assumed you’d run into Yerin, but now that you had you wished at least that you dressed like someone charismatic enough to argue the credentials. The breath releases as Jimin’s contact I.D. flashes on your screen. The picture behind the notification a memory of an overnight trip the month earlier.

“Hey,” You answer him, turning your head to look at the passing buildings and avenues. “Did anyone say anything?”

“What, no.” He quickly interjects, as he walks down the hallway towards the balcony patio. Jimin says nothing about his manager muttering to the choreographer about the scene. “Did you get hurt bumping into Yoongi?”

“No, but I bet he hates me even more now.” You recall his surprised expression as your body ricocheted off his, as well as the other sparse times you interacted with him so far the past few weeks of his company’s merger with your own. None of them felt entirely positive, but you had other things to think about than his perception-- be it likely annoyed with you or otherwise. “I don’t know what I should do.” You sigh, while your hand grips onto the center armrest during a swift turn.

“I didn’t know you’d say something like that,” Jimin admits his thoughts, while sitting on a cold, metal chair overlooking the intersection six floors below. “Took me by surprise.”

You bite your lip at his softened tone, something about it creating a worry in your stomach, but you ignore it to joke it off. “Always looking for ways to make myself look like an idiot, Jimin. My talent.”

“That’s not true.” He frowns at his boots, free hand picking a loose thread on his sweater. “I just,” Jimin’s voice trails, considering the times this month you mentioned your contract coming to an end in the upcoming summer. Half a year or so away. Or half a year left. “I don’t know what you expected from it honestly.”

The cab comes to a stop in traffic half a block from your destination. You give a payment for the ride and exit early, dodging around the hood of a parked car. His words scrape along your temples, despite their simplicity. You pacify the meaning by attributing candidness.

“Sweetie,” Jimin knows he kicked a nerve, but he feels no desire to rephrase. “Did you go home?”

“No.” You mutter, shoving a hand into your pocket where it fiddles mindless with a tangled earbud wire. “I’m gonna go to Joon’s place for a bit.” You listen to him sigh, thinking it to sound relieved. Likely Jimin worried of your temperament following the incident, but knowing you were willing to go out somewhere public longer gives him a bit of positivity.

“How late will you be there? I think I’ll be able to leave by eight tonight.” The implications of his evident desire to meet blur in your mind. A tone of gentleness leads you to believe Jimin simply wanted to be with you. In the confines of your apartment or his. Where words can be said and actions crossed without a care about the company’s opinion.

“I’ll probably be home before that,” The amounts of paper scattered around your dining table from the past week of scrambling to finish by today’s meeting crosses through your mind. Then the disarray you assuredly left your bedroom in when leaving that morning. “It’s a mess.”

“I don’t care.” Jimin giggles, the sound sweet and healing compared to the previous topics of conversation. “I don’t have a schedule tomorrow,” He pauses, smiling on his end at the thought, “Can I stay over?”

In your mind you know this is one of the situations that you shouldn’t let concoct so simply, when the two of you have time and time again avoided definitions of what goes on between you both, even though it’s evidently deep care, never properly spoken of. You don’t bring it up as you reply in an instant, “Yeah.” And you’re smiling just as warmly as he is with the affirmation.

Your slow walk compliments the energy rising in your voice as the conversation with Jimin about the songs comes up. You bite your inner cheek, listening to him recall particular lines that he especially liked from certain songs. The people moving around you in the busy intercity take no presence, instead just reason for you to absently dodge around. The air skidding blotches against your cheeks is also forgotten, more intent spent on Jimin reinstating that you worked really hard and the pieces reflect that.

“Wow,” Namjoon shifts his jaw rested on his cheek as you enter the front door. “That’s a huge smile.” The phone is already put back in your jean pocket, the jovile goodbye said before you came into his cafe. Or bar, somewhat a bookstore; you still never really understood how he classifies the establishment overall.

“My songs went over well.” You explain giddy in step as you make it to the bar stool and sit onto your spot like usual. Namjoon stands leaning over the counter across from you, letting his employees handle the slow flow of customers at this odd middle hour of the afternoon.

“Like usual?” He raises an eyebrow, voice sufficiently light-hearted, yet sarcastic as though the idea of your work being taken otherwise was alien. “You’ll end up moving to two zipcodes down by the end of the year at this rate. Lucky.”

“Like you don’t rake up practically all the after-party customers from Jin’s club every weekend on top of your always booked party rooms for business lunches.” You watch with a still present smile as Namjoon only shrugs his shoulder. Completely aware that he himself made more than enough money for satisfaction.

“Minoring in marketing was a good idea after all. What can I say?” You both laugh softly, remembering when he would call you after his minor-specific classes to rant to you about how greedy some of the other students ideas were. “So they all got accepted this time around?”

“I’m pretty sure. Maybe not all for Jimin, but they’ll probably get used by other idols too.” You watch as he steps away to listen to your answer. Namjoon fills a few glasses of water to assist an employee scrambling to get enough cups for an abnormally large group just sat down.

“And,” He brushes off the thanks from the employee as she takes the tray of eight glasses before turning back towards you, “Are you going to be credited this time?”

At the question you pause. Curl in your lips straightens out and Yerin’s incontestable, harden statements fill your ears once more. Your finger curls against the gloss of his applewood countertops. You glance down.

“No then.” Namjoon frowns sympathetically, his face now pondering how else to go about changing that fact. He dismisses the ideastorm when you sigh,

“Maybe I should just get over that, right?” You think of years gone by where you didn’t question the lack of recognition publicized for your songwriting. It felt easy to be uncaring of it when you were in college able to pay practically all fees outright because of the massive influx of revenue from the job you weren’t expecting much from to begin with.

“Your contract is up for renewal this upcoming year. Why don’t you try and change the crediting clause then?”

“It...” You know he’s going to get irritated from the completion of your sentence, but you’re unable to stop yourself, “It’s better for the idols already established if it stays this way.”

“Jimin?”

You just bite your lip, unable to view the expression Namjoon has when you could already hear an absence of warmth in his voice. He sighs, reaching to rub his jaw while glancing to the party of business people breaking into laughter at their side of the cafe. He realizes the complexity built between you and Jimin, and feels irritated because he also knows he should’ve said more earlier on to stop it from becoming what it is.

“Other idols too.” Weakly spoken. Namjoon stops a scoff from the fact. “It’s better for the company too. If they end up having to explain why their groups and soloists suddenly stop creating their own songs then it’s going to look bad.”

“Then they can just start writing their own stuff like they’re already pretending to.” Your head perks up from the quickness of his reply, and you watch him adjust his shirt as he starts walking down the bar. “I’ll be right back.”

You release a longer sigh while he goes to chat with the group of patrons. Truth of the matter exists in Namjoon’s cander. Even if you originally were okay with not being involved in the credit, the fact is that so many idols at this point had their names written into the slot instead, pretending to be self-sufficient and creative when more often than not it was all due to your own pen.

“Did you want something to eat or drink, Ms.?” The original waitress tending to the group of businessman stepped towards you with a smile.

“You really don’t have to call me that.” You say for a countless time to the girl whose been working here for more than a year at this point. She knows you’re friends with Namjoon, and granted he’s her boss, but the formality never settles for you. She only shrugs, and you dismiss the idea of changing her ways again. “Just a latte is fine, thanks, Jinsol.”

You’re left with only a few moments to contemplate the song issue before Namjoon returns with a scoff as he rolls his sleeves up his forearms.

“Sometimes I really hate having to be professional.” He mutters, taking his half-empty glass of water and drinking it while you raise an eyebrow. His eyes are still focused with an irritated gleam at the group of men somewhere behind you. You turn on the stool to look back as well, noting their posture is more rigid than you thought it would be from their earlier disposition.

“Jerks?” You ask, facing Namjoon once more. He nods,

“Have to be creepy when Jinsol’s just trying to do her job.” Namjoon says at a normal volume, easy to hear across the room if they were trying to listen in. He doesn’t care, just places his empty dish into the bin below the counter to be cleaned later. “Anyways,” He averts his gaze back to you, flooding your perception with his determined yet soft stare, “You shouldn’t leave it like it is. You deserve credit. It’s long overdue.”

“If you heard how the CEO shut the idea down, I don’t think you’d be saying that.” You thank Jinsol when she reaches between you both only to settle the ceramic filled with just enough foam in front of you and saunter off once more to the group of businessmen with hot drinks for them as well. “She’s not going to budge.”

“Then quit.”

You laugh even though he’s somewhat meaningful in the option. You’re unable to stop from shaking your head at the incredulousness of the idea. “I’m not that loaded that I can retire already.”

“Go work somewhere else.” Namjoon then offers, watching with his lip dragging between his teeth when you begin frowning.

“Getting a job where I’m at was my lottery, Joon.” You return your eyes to the polish of the reddened wood, “I have nothing to put on my resume for experience that would get me anything great at another company, and trying to work independent sounds like asking for disaster.”

You both loiter in the following silence, Namjoon sympathetic and you annoyed about the entirety of the situation. If back when you sold the first song, disregarding the legality clauses in favor of the couple hundred dollars, you considered the implication of your casualness to the transaction, then maybe when you got a call the following month to go directly to the company for a meeting about further work you wouldn’t have been so easy to convince. Yerin was avid in her praises of the track’s success in the recording session, and you were shocked when she told you there was chart-topping anticipation from it. Of course it felt easy to sign your name on the dotted line when she told you there would undoubtedly be more with continued work.

“Namjoon!” The voice startles you, making your grip tense around the untouched latte. Namjoon huffs in his own surprise, while glaring at Seokjin walking into the establishment and disrupting the overall quiet the place had settled into. “I need to talk to you about the event happening this weekend.” Seokjin continues while you finally take the first sip into the foam atop the espresso. He sits beside you, waving his hand with a smile, “Hey, Y/N, didn’t expect to see you.”

“Just stopped in for a drink.” You smile in return, humored by his casual sweatpants and hoodie despite his position owning the popular club at the corner of the street.

“Spiked?” He raises an eyebrow, knowing the most popular sellers in Namjoon’s coffee selection where those with alcohol hidden in the flavors of vanillas and mochas.

“Maybe it should be.” You sigh, ignoring Namjoon’s rolling eyes. “Don’t let me interrupt your talk, I’m just going to finish this and get out of here.”

“No need to rush; he probably just wants to ask me if he can sleep upstairs.” Namjoon steps to lean against the counter behind him, crossing arms comfortably across his waist. Seokjin points at his statement with a finger, nodding his head,

“That.” You laugh beside him, while Namjoon just scoffs familiarly. “And I wanted to see if there was a meeting room here available that evening for a friend that’s going to be in and out of the club that night.” You gingerly drink at your warm beverage while Namjoon’s head tilts inquisitively.

“You’re not trying to get laid here are you-”

“Clearly not.” Seokjin rests his chin on his palm, “Why would I try for that on your tables anyways? People I don’t know have eaten on them.” You nodded at the fact beside him, thinking the reasoning made sense while Namjoon cut in incredulously,

“That is the only issue with it? I keep the tables clean.”

“It’s not about sex anyways!” Seokjin shuts down in a firm exclamation. You glance back at the businessmen who were evidently confused about the conversation between the two beside you. You take a larger gulp, more than halfway through with the latte at this point, and ready to skip out to avoid whatever your friends were about to discuss blatantly. “The guy just wants a place to chill in between time spent at the club.” He goes on, the motions with his hands emphasizing the need for Namjoon to accept. “I kind of owe him, and you kind of owe me--” Namjoon opens his mouth before Seokjin’s arm shoots out into the air to silence him, “Actually! Let’s all pretend we don’t owe each other anything and do things like this out of the goodness of our hearts.”

“I like that you changed the reasoning halfway through.” Namjoon laughs, rubbing his jaw, pondering the request silently until you speak up,

“I’m going to head out.” The two turn their heads towards you as your cup clacks gently against the saucer. You slide off the high chair, as Seokjin comments curiously,

“Some of the people from your work are going, you too?” You grimace which is answer enough for him as he begins laughing from your reaction. “Come on though; weekend before New Year’s should be sort of fun, right?”

---

Your pen makes dots in the corner of crisp paper. Feet dangling from your seat, while you think of the upcoming weekend. Jimin would more likely than not go to the club if a lot of the other employees were. Whether he actually had an interest in attending events like those or not, you weren’t entirely sure. Obligation seemed to be the word, but you doubted he hated it entirely as you recall other parties and team bonding experiences the two of you had ended up at. He was amicable with all of them, friendlier to particular people, but you’ve never known anyone to have problems with him.

Though you were never really needed at those occasions.

“Working on something?” Jimin’s voice is close, then in your vision as he leans over your shoulder to look at the unstarted piece. “Or not?” He giggles when you groan, resting your head back against his shoulder. His skin glows from the revitalization of a shower, and his locks of hair are still stuck together in their dampness.

“I was going to start something, but then I started thinking about random things.” You shrug, but smile as his lips find your cheek in a soft kiss.

“That’s fine. You should take the night off from it all anyways,” His hand tangles over yours to cause the release of the pen from your appendage. “Want to watch a movie, or something?”

“Okay,” You adjust on the chair, pecking his lips with your own, leaving them to see a smile as you continue, “Let me go take a shower too though; kind of need it.” He chuckles, kissing you again longer, his thumb rubbing gently against your knuckles,

“Should’ve took one together,” Jimin states with playful bluntness, while you get up from your chair. You eye him knowingly. He is completely aware of how far away the concept of a shower would’ve drifted if you both went in following an already lustful exchange on the mess you left your bed in. “Save water.” Innocent smile, that didn’t match the gleam in his eyes.

“Yeah, that’s why.” You pat his chest, leaving your hand there when he catches it. His stare falls over your figure: legs extending bare beneath his button-up shirt that he had entered the apartment wearing.

“You’re really beautiful, you know that?” Jimin steps closer, and you do nothing to stop gentle ministrations of his lips on yours. Followed by a scattered trail on every inch of heated, fond skin, fueled from your fingertips flexing against his abdomen and the light gasp when the plumpness of his mouth passes over an already sensitive reddened blotch on your neck. He squeezes your waist, wrinkling the fabric uncaringly while his lips remain there, only pressing a lingering kiss. You bite your lip, a sigh drifts out when he moves again, finding your collarbone, all too close to the rising beat of your heart. “Movie?” He asks then nips gingerly with his teeth to smirk as you writhe. Your nails drag against his firm muscles and he groans against you.

“Yeah,” You say in a breath, though your legs tremble slightly from his actions and the ones already transpired. “I want to spend time with you.”

“Yeah?” Jimin’s voice comes out in grain, seeming happily surprised by your statement. Your body presses to his as he hugs you, smiling against your shoulder. “You’re adorable,” A whisper lost on your skin. The embrace tightens as your arms make it around his waist. “Movie it is then.”

In a matter of a half hour, you exit your bathroom cozily engulfed in an old shirt and sweatpants to find Jimin stretched on the bed. His fingers tap quickly against his phone, focus aiming at whatever app was open. You sit beside him, reaching over his waist for the package of cookies retrieved from the kitchen.

“Work?”

“One of the members of the group that just debuted over the fall,” He explains, glancing to you with a humored grin as you fit the entirety of the small sweet into your mouth. “Don’t choke.”

“Don’t eat all of my cookies.” You counter between crunches, a hand straying to glide rifts in his brightly pink hair.

“I can’t help it; the package was open, and they were there, how was I supposed to stop?” His head leans into your hand. Jimin tosses his phone beside him. “Anyways, he wanted to know if I was going to the club thing this weekend.”

“Are you?” You ask before thinking. Something about the event seemed distant from you, unspoken of by the colleagues you run into around the company. Dodged from your ears perhaps. Jimin shrugs as he moves to snake arms around your waist and puzzle himself against you.

“Yeah, because a lot of the people from the company merging with ours are going. My manager thinks it’d be a good way to get connected with them all.” His fingers are light in their strokes along your back, a yawn slipping from his lips while your nose finds purchase nuzzling peacefully against his neck. “What about you, darling? Are you going to join me?”

Your mind startles from Jimin’s inquisition, unbeknownst to him as he continues in massaging streams along your back. While time and time again you attended company and social functions where he would go, and the same vice versa, neither of you brought up events in a way that implies going as a couple. Because you and Jimin are not.

“Like go to it with you?” Your voice tests the connotation of his words in a murmur that you hope he doesn’t hear any longing in. You’re aware of the reality, you don’t hide from it or ignore it, so you wonder why your throat feels hollow in the way it did at the meeting that day when Jimin answers,

“We can meet up there.”

You smile. The same page. You read the outcome before Jimin spoke it. The relationship has always been on the blur for each other’s benefit. The emotional attachment ends at platonic, and other occasional circumstances are in the moment for fun. The way it’s always been since you made the rule to counter the shock in Jimin’s eyes more than a year ago at this point.

“Dunno if I want to go.” Less so at his offer. You believe it unfair to think in this way, but on the same list of why not attend the party you recall the blemish in your reputation currently sporting from your attempted divergence from normalcy that noon. Like you needed the stares from other employees.

“I,” Jimin says then stops, biting his inner cheek. You hear the hesitation and glance up at him to view his eyes cast aimless at your ceiling. Clouded mind. You lift yourself from his loosened hold, locking gaze when he checks to see what you’re doing. With your forearm stabilizing a small portion of your weight against his chest, you lean pecking his lips with your own. He remains quiet, watching and wondering if you possibly missed his almost sentence despite the stillness of your apartment. You kiss again, more languid and drawn out, letting time carry the word away from the present.

“Let’s watch something funny.” You bring back the movie topic, smiling as you raise yourself to search for the remote. “Or I’ve been kind of wanting to rewatch The Incredibles, is that fine?” You take his soft chuckle as affirmation before he says yes a second later, and your eyes keep focus on the television when you turn around.

Coaxing the sealed words out of him isn’t worth the argument, or worse.

if you enjoy please, please let me know! i hope you enjoy the series, i’m working really hard on it! : )

tag list (send an ask to be added): @jaiuneamesolitaiire

#bts #jimin #yoongi #park jimin #min yoongi #bts fanfiction #bts series #park jimin series #park jimin fanfiction #min yoongi series #min yoongi fanfiction #yoongi fluff #jimin fluff #yoongi angst #jimin angst #jimin fic #yoongi fic #series veil #all

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theydontknowaboutusimagines · 4 years

Text

Someone Special - Harry Styles Christmas Series (Part 3)

Part 2

The Next Day

When you woke up the next morning, you made yourself a cup of tea and picked up your guitar. You started strumming the chords you had previously wrote down. After a few minutes of playing, you grabbed your notebook. At first, you got that blank stare feeling, but the next thing you knew your hand took the pen to paper and you started writing.

A good half hour or so later, you had an entire skeleton of a song finished. Something you hadn’t had in weeks. Hm, maybe the scenery change was working. Once you were happy with what you had for the song, you decided you would get ready to head out for some breakfast. As you showered, your thoughts went back to last night and what you were doing.

You still couldn’t believe you spent hours with someone you had just met in a bar in the middle of the night. However, what you couldn’t believe even more was that you actually had a great time. Honestly, you didn’t know why you are questioning yourself with it. Just because you were enjoying his company, and getting know him, didn’t mean anything romantic would happen. You had plenty of friends that were men, so why would this be any different.

That was it. You were just getting know someone as a friend. You got out of the shower, drying off, and getting dressed. You dried your hair and put on just a little bit of makeup before heading out to the cafe a few blocks away. When you sat down with your food, you looked at your phone to catch up on what you might have missed. And missed something you did.

A text from Harry.

Hi. Hope you’re having a wonderful morning. I wanted to see if you’d maybe want to go out for coffee or ice cream tonight after rehearsals. I was thinking you could give me some more pointers on being host and all.

You read over the text a few times. Again, you weren’t sure what to think, but given what you told yourself just a little bit ago. Of course, you don’t know why your brain kept even second guessing over it when you literally just met him and there was not even a hint of romantic indication from him, so you were literally just overreaching here.

Now, what makes you think I’d share my secrets with you, but I’ll take you up on the ice cream though. ;)

You placed your phone back on the table while you finished up your breakfast. Harry didn’t respond to your text until you had already made your way to central park.

Because as a veteran host, you’d love nothing more than to help a newbie out. And plus, I’m sure after a few bites of ice cream I can get them out of you.

You laughed.

What’s that supposed to mean, exactly?

Honestly, no fucking clue. It sounded better in my head.

Hahaha.

Since you’re interested in getting ice cream, I get out of rehearsals around eightish. You could meet me at the studio and we could go from there?

Yeah, sounds good. See you then.

Harry finished reading your reply before putting his phone back into his pocket as he looked over the script for the next skit they would be rehearsing.

“How was the show last night?” Jeff asked sitting next to him.

“Oh, it was great,” he answered.

He nodded, “Want to get dinner after rehearsals?”

“Um, actually, I’ve got plans,” Harry said looking up.

“You do?” He asked.

“Yeah, I’m meeting someone,” he said.

“Interesting,” Jeff stated.

“Just go ahead and say it,” Harry groaned.

“Say what?” Jeff asked.

“Asking me who it is,” he said.

“You act like I’m trying to pry,” he rolled his eyes.

“Well, you kinda are,” Harry said. “But if you must know it’s Y/N.”

“Y/N? Like, Y/N, Y/N?” Jeff asked.

“That one,” Harry nodded.

“Since when is this a thing?” Jeff asked.

“It’s not really a thing,” Harry said. “We were at the same show last night and we met afterward. We went out for a drink and I enjoy talking to her, so we’re going to get ice cream.”

“Aww, that’s so fucking cute,” Jeff smirked.

“Fuck off,” he rolled his eyes. “It’s not a date besides I literally just met the girl.”

“And you’re already seeing her again... and it’s been what not even twelve hours?” Jeff asked. “You’ve got an infatuation.”

“I do not,” Harry scoffed. “Besides, even if I did, I wouldn’t act on it. You know I’m not focusing on that anytime soon. I’ve got other things to worry about.”

“I know, I know,” Jeff said. “But if this does end up being something you want to pursue, don’t let that stop you from being happy.”

“Again, I’ve only met her last night, so don’t go and plan a wedding anytime soon, yeah?” Harry said.

By the time you made it to the studio, Harry was walking out of the doors, right on time.

“Oh, hey,” he smiled. “You’re here.”

“I’m here,” you laughed. “How did today go?”

“It went great,” he smiled. “I think it’s going to be a really fun show.”

“I’m sure it will be,” you smiled.

“Ready to go get some ice cream?” He asked.

“More than ready,” you joked.

He laughed and you both headed down the street.

“How was your day?” Harry asked looking over at you as you walked.

“It was productive,” you smiled. “I woke up and wrote a song. It just sort of poured out onto the paper and then I had breakfast and went for a walk around central park before going back to the hotel. And now I’m here.”

“That’s amazing you wrote something,” he said. “I’m really happy for you.”

“Thank you,” you smiled. “I feel really good about it. I’ll feel even better about it once I get in the studio and get it recorded it.”

Harry opened the door to the ice cream shop when you two had arrived. You smiled walking in first as he followed behind you.

“Wow, so many choices,” you said looking a the rows of ice cream through the glass.

“Let me guess... your favorite is rocky road or strawberry?” He asked.

“False,” you laughed. “My favorites differ on what mood I’m in, but neither of them are ever options. But tonight I’m feeling cookies ‘n cream.”

“That was my next guess,” he pointed out.

“I’m sure it was” you smirked. “Let me guess, mint chocolate chip?”

“How’d you know?” He asked.

“Just a hunch,” you smirked.

He laughed before you both ordered and took a seat at a table.

“Now, about those tips,” Harry smirked after a few bites of ice cream.

“I’m starting to feel a little used, is that what this about? You’re trying to learn my secrets?” You raised an eyebrow.

You were not expecting him to blush, “Oh, uh, no, not at all,” he said.

“Don’t worry, I was joking,” you laughed.

“Good, you had me worried for a second,” he laughed.

You laughed taking another spoonful of ice cream into your mouth.

Once you both were finished with your ice cream, it was still early enough that you two decided to have a walk around the city. You mostly chatted about random things, the normal getting to know you small talk with a few jokes added in. After walking for a bit, you felt a little chilly, so you both ducked into a coffee shop.

He ordered tea, while you ordered hot chocolate.

“Can I get that with a sprinkle of cinnamon?” you asked.

“Cinnamon?” Harry asked. “Interesting.”

“What? You’ve never had cinnamon in your hot chocolate?” You asked.

“Can’t say that I have?” He laughed.

“Well, you’re missing out,” you said.

“Am I though?” He joked.

“Yes, you are,” you said. “Here, have a taste.”

You held out your cup to him. He gave you a skeptical look before taking a quick sip.

“And?” You asked.

“Eh, it’s not bad, but it’s not great either,” he joked.

“Oh, whatever,” you laughed taking a sip of your own.

“So, you mentioned last night that your trying to make this Christmas more special and uh, better than last year,” Harry said. “You don’t have to tell me what happened, if you don’t want, but I’d love to hear what you’ve got planned.”

“Oh, um, it’s fine, to ask,” you said. “I uh, my boyfriend, well I guess technically my ex-boyfriend broke up with at Christmas Eve dinner. I stupidly thought he was going to propose.”

“I’m sorry, that’s uh, really wow,” he said looking over at you.

“Yeah, but that’s not even the worst part about it,” you said. “About a week or so later, I found out he had actually been cheating on me for at least two or three months before that. I saw he had liked this girl’s picture on instagram after we broke up and I clicked on her profile where I saw all these pictures of him and her together.”

“Okay, that’s really fucked up,” he said.

“Just a bit, yeah,” you sighed. “So, of course, I was constantly second guessing myself, blaming myself for being on tour and not really seeing the signs. I mean looking back at it now, or even a few months ago, he was distancing himself from the relationship, and I guess in a way so was I. I can’t believe the thought of us getting engaged even crossed my mind, to be honest.”

“Well, I’m sure it’s one of those in the moment, things,” he said. “Again, I’m really sorry that happened to you. I went through my own sort of breakup last year, but it was no where as serious as yours.”

“A breakup is a breakup, though isn’t it?” you asked. “It still sucks for a little bit of time, even if it’s for the best.”

“Don’t I know it,” he said sipping the last little bit of his tea as you two sat down on a bench in the park. “I’ve been through a lot of them over the years.”

“And they never get any easier, right?” You stated.

“Nope, but they do bring out some great songs,” he joked.

“Very true,” you laughed.

“Now, back to your Christmas plans,” he said.

“Oh, right,” you laughed. “Um, basically, I want to do all the cheesy Christmas things you see in all the movies, but I know it’s not all realistic. But what I’ve got written down is ice skating or skiing, decorating, Christmas movie marathons, Ugly Sweater parties, Christmas karaoke, Christmas with my family, etc...”

“You’ve got quite the list,” he laughed. “But you’ve failed to mention one thing on the list that’s always in cheesy Christmas movies...”

“And what’s that?” you asked raising an eyebrow.

“The part where you meet some guy in a small town and you fall madly in love within like four days,” he joked.

“Right! That one,” you giggled. “Yeah, falling in love is not a priority on that list or any of my lists right now.”

“Same here,” he said. “I’ve got a lot on my plate coming up and it’s not like me falling in love or attempting to fall in love as every worked out anyway.”

“My thoughts exactly,” you said. “Shall we cheers to that then?”

“To what?” He laughed.

“To not falling in love this Christmas,” you said.

“I would, but I don't have any tea left,” he said shaking his empty cup.

“Oh, well, I still have a little of my not bad, but not great hot chocolate,” you laughed. “We could share the last bit.”

“Bloody hell, why not,” he laughed taking the lid off his cup for you to pour some of your drink in there.

You turned to face him on the bench and he did the same to you. You held out your cup and smiled, “Here’s to not falling in love this Christmas.”

“To not falling in love this Christmas,” he smiled bringing his cup to meet yours before both took a drink.

“So, still think the hot chocolate isn’t that great?” You asked when you both threw away your empty cups in a nearby trash bin.

“I think it’s growing on me actually,” he smiled.

“I knew it,” you smirked.

Due to it getting late, the two of you started heading back towards your hotel, laughing and enjoying your conversation along the way.

So, that toast to not falling in love? Who do you think will cave first? Or will they?

#One Direction Imagines #Harry Styles Imagines #12 Days of Christmas - Harry #Someone Special

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darksunrising · 4 years

Text

Sola Gratia (6/?)

Masterlist

Rating / Warnings : General audiences, no particular warnings.

Fandom : Bram Stoker’s Dracula, BBC’s Dracula, various Dracula and vampire lore.

Part 6/? (3370 words)

Author’s notes : After a small break, here is part 6 of Sola Gratia ! It’s technically the first chapter of the second part, but I’ll number them continuously to not be confusing !

Hope you all enjoy !

~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

“Thank you for your compelling conclusion to this seminar, professor Rieder. I would like, once again, to thank all whose interventions have made these few days a most instructive and enlightening event. Now, for the part all of us have been waiting for since this morning, I will see you at the buffet next room over.”

Scattered laughter and clapping closed my statement. A growing buzz filled the room, and I contained a sigh of relief. Turning off my headset, I laid it on the table next to me, giving a few awkward smiles to the eminent researchers still at my side. I focused my attention on the familiar face sitting front row, shoving her scattered notes in her bag. One smile of hers would have stopped a cyclone, and thus I melted inside when she hurried to meet me, pulling me in a bear hug. She was so tiny she couldn’t raise me past tiptoes. I closed my eyes, hugging her back. Her hair smelled like coconut oil, and lavender. She pushed back, still holding my shoulders.

“That was great, see, told you you’d kill it !”, she exclaimed, eyes glimmering with joy.

“Leaaaaah, stop it, you’ll make me believe it”, I replied, letting my head fall back. “I still have to hear from Laurent.”

“Heh, speak of the Devil !”, she taunted, her eyes set somewhere over my shoulder.

Laurent, my thesis coordinator for the past two years, was not a cheerful type person. He was six feet tall, salt more than pepper hair, neatly trimmed, the mustache always curled at the tip, and small, golden rimmed glasses. On anyone else, he might have looked like a nice grandpa. However, his strict demeanor and constantly furrowed eyebrows denoted an uncompromising attitude, which had proven a challenge in my research and field work. I was all the more taken aback by the huge grin plastered on his face as he came over to firmly shake my hands in his.

“Excellent work, Eris. I couldn’t be more satisfied !”, he bellowed. “You will have to come take a drink with us now, I won’t have you escape this time !”

If you weren’t used to his manners, he might seem a bit blunt, even abrasive, but his comment made me smile. I nodded, and he left me after a friendly pat on the shoulder, still having me stumble. Leah was almost vibrating with excitation, as per usual. Where she found her energy, I’d never know. She took hold of my arm, and practically dragged me to the reception room. The committee spared no expense, as the whole seminar had been financed by an anonymous donator, who had been more than generous with his funding. As we got in, we were greeted by a groom, holding a plate of champagne glasses. A bit over the top, if you asked me. Still, I was on par with the standing of the venue, the National Museum of Natural History. It was huge, old, and honestly, so stuffy in the scientific department I had to think twice before I accepted to coordinate the seminar.

I had taken a million years finding an outfit that wouldn’t clash with the tone, and wouldn’t have me looking like a talking toad in a bowtie. Leah looked great as always, her long, strawberry blonde locks bouncing freely on her shoulders, wearing a perfectly tailored bustier pantsuit. she could have worn a sack of potatoes and looked better than me, still awkwardly trying to walk in a straight line with the pair of stilettos she bought for me. Still, I’d rather suffer the little mermaid’s martyr than disappoint her.

She grabbed two glasses for us, and had a few steps back, guiding me further into the center of the room. She handed me my glass, and held up hers.

“To the first of many symposiums saved from death by your exceptional organizational skills”, she stated.

“To the only reason I didn’t panic and make a fool of myself for three consecutive days, Leah Fox”, I threw back at her.

We toasted, and took a sip. The room was packed. Still enough room to actually breathe, but I never were one for social situations of that type. Of any type, really. As soon as that glass was empty, I would beg Leah to get back to her place, which was, thankfully, close-by. I’d have to almost get across the whole city if I were to go back to mine, and in the state of exhaustion I was in, no way that was happening.

“Hey, don’t look- Do not ! - but there’s a guy looking at you from over there”, Leah told me.

I kept my eyes on her obediently, as she seemed to study said man. She had a look of mischief in her eyes that announced trouble with a thousand golden horns. I indulged her.

“Well, will you at least tell me what this Mystery Admirer looks like ?”, I enquired.

“He’s your type, I gotta say. Tall, dark and handsome, you know ?”, she started, being less and less discreet about her staring. “Oh, and he knows how to dress, I have to ask where he found his tie pin- Oh, fuck, he saw me, abort mission !”

She winced, knowing full well we couldn’t just run away like schoolgirls. Not if we wanted to keep some form of good reputation among the dozens of career-relevant academics chatting all around us. Seeing her head gradually lift up, I sighed, and prepared myself to get some human interaction. I put on my best fake smile, and turned around.

“Eris Cetero, I have been dying to meet you again.”

All sounds faded. Heart sinking into my stomach, I barely even heard the crystalline sound of the champagne glass as it broke between my fingers. I barely heard Leah’s cry of surprise, or felt the warmth of the blood gushing from my palm. I only saw the red around ocean blue eyes, and a split-second, sharp smile.

My knees gave out under me, his arm slipped around my waist, catching me before all lights faded, blown out like candles in the wind.

~-~-~

Muffled sounds of chatter were my first perception. Then, right after, a burning sensations from my nose to my lungs, that made me choke.

“Eris ? Are you awake ?”, Leah’s worried voice came to my ears before the golden halo of her hair above me. I could only respond with a pained groan.

“I should hope so, this is very potent”, a silky, deep voice commented outside my limited field of vision.

“I know, but no offense, who carries smelling salts on them in 2020 ?”

“I do, and they proved useful, did they not ?”

She sounded cheerful, as she always did. Every sentence he uttered had the effect of a sledgehammer to my chest. I tried to sit up, and leaning on my had me crying out in pain.

“You’re injured !”, she exclaimed, laying me back down, a hand over my chest. “Just rest a little, will you ?”

“Leah, you have to leav-”, I tried to warn her, too faintly for her to even notice I spoke.

She turned her attention back to him. “Tell me, Professor Balaur, you were about to tell me how you met our faint-hearted friend ?”

Professor ? That didn’t sound right, by all accounts. I couldn't get rid of a faint ringing in my ear. Spots of light danced before my eyes. I had to do something. My heart was almost beating out of my chest. The back of his eyes caught the light just a second. Sharp teeth flashed before my eyes, as they had been embedded in my brain for the past two months, every time I spent too long, staring in the shadows.

“Please, call me Vlad. You do well to remind me, it is a good story.”

His voice was sickeningly sweet. Leah didn’t mind, seemingly genuinely interested in what he had to say, leaning into the palm of her hand, propped up on her elbow. Fighting through the numbness, I decidedly sat up.

“Leah, we have to leave”, I snapped, ignoring her protests. “Now.”

“You don’t seem well enough to go on your own”, the Count stated, his silky voice not helping with my nausea. “I could give you a ride, I have my car parked here.”

“Well, I live nearby, so we can manage”, she began. “But... Considering her state, I would love the help. You’d have my eternal gratitude, and I’ll invite you in for a cup of tea !”

Invite you in. No. No way. Not her.

“I have to go home !”, I blurted out. “I… haven’t fed Zardoz this morning and he’ll- he'll wreak havoc if I don’t.”

Leah gave me a puzzled look. She knew I was lying. She could always tell. She didn’t understand why, but she wouldn’t ask. She trusted me. I promised myself I would tell her, at some point. If I had no other choice.

“Well then, you can’t take the bus in that state”, the Count commented. “For my peace of mind, would you let me take you home ?”

No, absolutely not. He kept his gaze locked on mine. I couldn’t let him anywhere near Leah. Never mind me, she had to be safe.

“Alright”, I yielded. “Go home, Leah, I’ll be fine. I just need a second to get my bearings, I'll be fine with...” I felt like I had to swallow bile. “With Vlad.”

She hesitated, and I gave her the best smile I could muster. She agreed to take her leave, after making me promise to call her as soon as I got home. Scribbling my address on the back of her visit card, she handed it to the Count, and planted a kiss on my forehead. With a last wave, just like that, she left. I couldn’t contain a sigh of relief. A gloved hand appeared in my field of vision.

“If you think I’m coming with you, you’re even more insane than I thought”, I snapped at him, not giving him the satisfaction of eye contact.

“Oh, Eris. Let’s not pretend like there is any other outcome to this situation.”

No matter how much I hated it, he was right. I gave him my arm, and saw his hand twitch as it brushed against the bandages. Leah had gone so overboard I could barely flex my fingers, but on the flip side, no blood seeped through. I wondered how he managed not to go feral when the cuts were still fresh. He took hold of my briefcase, and we left.

Trying to dissociate myself as much as I could from the situation, I barely could make sense of my surroundings as the Count guided me to the outside. I heard myself say goodbye to Laurent as we passed him, giving a bullshit explanation as to why I was leaving with him. The word “date” was thrown around, which I’d have to be angry about later. I focused on not snapping my ankles on the stairs. Curse high heels and feminine fashion standards.

We crossed one of the side doors at the entrance, and stepped outside. For a second, the night’s fresh air made me feel better. The large street, occupied only by a grassy railway, was lit by the orange glow of street lamps. In my fuzzy mind, It looked like a Van Gogh, a blur of light and colors, and the faint sound of the wind rustling into the trees. A welcome silence, after the noise of the inside.

We stopped near a car. Black, sleek, elegant design. A step up from the creepy old van I rather imagined, if I ever got abducted. He opened the passenger door for me.

“I’m not getting in”, I told him, a bit stubbornly.

“Listen, I have told your friend I would get you home safe, and I will. I behaved myself even though you… Well.” His gaze lowered to my injured hand, which I instinctively hid behind my back.

“Why, why on Earth should I trust anything you have to say ?”

“Because, dear, I may be a monster, which you seem so adamant to believe, but I am not, and never have been, a man to go back on word given.”

Looking at the situation objectively, I didn’t have much of a choice. No tram anywhere in sight, no people to scream to, and anyway, the Kitty Genovese thing made it clear that witnesses don’t do anything for your survival. And in her case, she was murdered by a human, which I wouldn’t be so lucky about. If he really took me home, that would bring him further from Leah, which was a substantial advantage. Taking a deep breath, I nodded, and got in the passenger seat. After making sure I was settled, he closed the door, and went around to sit behind the wheel. He typed up the address on the screen, and turned on the GPS. The car’s windows were tinted, and the interior was lit by a soft band of red led lights. Fitting.

“Seatbelt”, he commanded.

“Since when do you even know how to drive ? I would have expected a hearse, drawn by undead horses”, I sneered.

“I am not the Grim Reaper, Eris. Also, everybody knows how to drive, these days, it’s an easy skill to pick up.”

“Huh, pick up, is that what you call it ?”

He laughed. As soon as I went back home, I had spent every waking hour I had to spare researching things like him. That proved to be a difficult task, given that 90% of the hits were either literature, were it good or bad, conspirationist websites with very disputable sources, or witnesses with incoherent, horny accounts of their meetings with seductive succubuses. I figured I had to not be the only one, but there was absolutely no way of finding anything credible, as truth often makes a worse audience than embellished fiction.

At this point, I only had random bouts of legends I classified by percentage of credibility. Silver burned his skin, but didn’t seem necessarily lethal. It did seem to leave a scar for a long time, I thought as I watched the thin, white circle on the back of his hand, relaxed on the wheel. Antlers didn’t seem to be efficient either, or at least, not in a permanent manner. I wasn’t sure about direct sunlight, but cloudy weather seemed to be just fine to him.

“What are you thinking about ? I can sense it’s a tad violent”, he teased, keeping his eyes on the road.

“How are you here ? How are you alive ?”, I jabbed at him.

“Are you disappointed ?”, he replied in a slightly mocking tone.

“Thoroughly.”

“Well !”, he laughed. “Strictly speaking, I was not alive to begin with. Don’t be too hard on yourself.”

He tapped on the wheel as he drove. The rhythm reminded me of something, though I couldn't quite place it. He had his hair cut, and was clean shaven, I noticed. Overall, he looked pretty much like a normal man, late fourties, more handsome than the usual, maybe, objectively speaking. He looked sharp, intelligent. Dangerous.

“Are you going to kill me ?”, I asked, turning my attention to the road as well, trying not to have my voice shake as much as I physically was.

“Kill you ?” He seemed to think a few seconds. “No. Not yet, at least.”

“Then why are you here ? How did you find me ?”, I blurted out.

“I tasted you, I’ll always know where you are”, he softly replied. He glanced at me, lingering a little. “As for why, let’s say that I am… curious. No one even tried to stake me since that funny little man Van Helsing.”

I huffed out a laugh at the absurdity of the situation. Among all who could have taken interest in me, it had to be an immortal, bloodthirsty creature, who could smell me to the ends of the earth like a hellhound.

“Stalker”, I laconically commented.

“Stalk- What ? I’m not a- How dare you even-”

He sounded genuinely offended. My sudden fit of quiet laughter cut him off. His outraged expression softened, and he let out a sigh, taking back his composure. He took a right into my street, and parked in front of my buiding. After turning of the engine, he leaned back into his seat.

“Before you leave, I have something for you.”

He reached behind my seat, and handed me a wooden box, wrapped a red silk ribbon. I gave him an inquisitory look, to which he didn't respond. If he wanted to kill me, I ventured he would find a more dramatic way than a booby-trapped box. I mean, he wasn't an Acme character. I untied the ribbon, noticed a lock. The Count handed me a key, attached to a thin, golden chain.

“I’m more of a silver kind of girl”, I teased.

“Very funny, but also a lie”, he replied, sliding a finger along my ear, and the three golden rings piercing it.

A shot of electricity ran through me. He was about to lower his hand, yet I felt his touch, barely grazing along the small scars I knew were still swollen, still red, under the foundation I used to cover them up. Dozens of them, little cuts. Broken glass is something sharp. I heard him take an inspiration, as if to say something. I took the key, worked it into the lock. The lid opened on red velvet, in which was incased a colt. A gun. A gun ?

“That is a gun”, I flatly stated.

“Not just any kind of gun. This one is loaded with custom-made white oak bullets.”

I remained speechless a moment, taking it from its case. The metalwork was intricate, and the handle, distinctively polished antler. I wonder if…

“It is. I thought it would be… appropriate”, he told me, as if he had read my mind.

Appropriate. I scoffed. None of it was appropriate.

“It’s simple of use, really, cock the hammer back, point, squeeze the trigger”, he explained.

“I know how a colt works. I’m more concerned of the reason why I now have one.”

“I would like for it to be a token of trust.” He shifted in his seat to face me. “I want to know that I am no threat to you. Should you not believe it, you now have this.”

I tightened my fingers around the grip. “Will it kill you ?”

“To the best of my knowledge, yes”, he nodded. “I have never died before, however, so this is brand new territory.”

He laughed at his own questionnable joke. I cocked the hammer back, and set the barrel against his chest. “Give me a good reason I shouldn’t do that right now.” He didn’t seem phased in the slightest, which had me doubt the actual usefulness of his gift. He leaned in, his face inches from mine.

“Curiosity”, he whispered, tilting his head to the side. “Everything you study in literature, I lived. Everything event you try to make sense of, I witnessed. Every battlefield you excavate, I have bled on it.”

I lowered the gun, and looked away.

“As for myself, you have made me curious of this world again.”

“Why me ?”, I muttered, feeling heat rise to my cheeks. His cool breath had the fine hairs of my neck rise up.

“Well, what can I say, except that you have touched my heart ?”

“Dear God.” I pinched the bridge of my nose, and groaned. “I’ll shoot myself.”

“What do you say ?”, he whispered, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. I could almost feel his lips brushing against my cheek.

“Won’t you invite me in ?”

~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

Taglist : @carydorse @angelicdestieldemon @bloodhon3yx @thewondernanazombie @battocar @moony691 @mjlock @thebeautyofdisorder @my-fanfic-library (tagging you if you wanna take a look !)

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yumeka36 · 5 years

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Well, I know I said a while back when more Frozen 2 leaks came out that I was gonna avoid making anymore posts expressing my thoughts until I actually see the movie myself...but alas, what I’d consider the jackpot of leaks came out yesterday causing me to develop more thoughts I feel are better expressed now than later. As usual, skip this post if you don’t want to be supremely spoiled...

After the initial leaks from the not-yet-released mythology book a few weeks ago, which confirmed the movie will end with Anna as queen of Arendelle and Elsa as the Snow Queen/fifth spirit, the real question we’ve had since then is: will they continue to live together or separately? Many official sources such as storybooks and interviews with the creators hinted at separation, and after nearly two weeks of letting the realization that this movie won’t end in the way I would have liked practically eat me alive, I decided it was best to just remain positive, as the events of the story’s third act are still mostly a mystery.

Before I continue, I just want to point out that I understand both sides of the fandom right now: the side that feels hurt and betrayed by this kind of ending, and the side that’s more accepting and doesn’t want to jump to conclusions without seeing it firsthand. It’s been tough for me being in the middle - at times I totally get the backlash. We fell in love with the story of the first movie and shorts about two sisters reconnecting and now the sequel ends with them finding happiness elsewhere. But at the same time, I know that living separately doesn’t diminish familial bonds and it’s a normal thing that happens. I know it’s easy to dismiss it as a trend since a lot of other recent family movie sequels had similar endings, but I want to judge it in its own right. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still not happy we’re getting a separation ending, but I also know I’ll love 95% of this movie, so I can’t bring myself to throw in the towel at the last 5% without seeing every detail for myself, every word of dialogue, every scene, every nuance in character expressions and actions. I’d feel much more okay with this ending if this was Frozen 3 we’re talking about and we had another Frozen 2 that focused on Anna and Elsa reconnecting as sisters. To go from the end of the first Frozen with them finally getting to know each other after 13 years apart, straight to a sequel that ends with them separating is a leap that really needed more padding. The shorts fill the gap somewhat, but not enough in my opinion. We should have had a Frozen 2 story about Elsa trying to get over her guilt about shutting Anna out all those years, and once that’s resolved, it ends with a return to the status quo that sets the stage for the story we actually have in Frozen 2 (which should be Frozen 3!) I really feel we needed one more “smaller” story like this to pad things out after the first Frozen before the major changes that happens in Frozen 2 (can we get a Frozen 1.5 anyone?) But as I’ll describe further in this post, I’m not convinced that the last 5% of Frozen 2 will be so bad that it will override everything else about the movie, or Frozen in general.

I should also mention that I’ve always been neutral to Kristoff and his relationship with Anna. I find Anna and Elsa’s relationship way more appealing and interesting, but I’ve also always believed Anna has plenty of room in her big heart for sisterly love for Elsa and romantic love for Kristoff. Since they skipped any talk of marriage in the first Frozen, it was no surprise at all that it would be brought up in the sequel. Since they intend Frozen 2 to be the last installment (for now) they couldn’t leave a loose end like Kristoff and Anna’s engagement. I could take it or leave it, but as long as Anna and Elsa’s relationship is portrayed as the strongest bond (which it seems to be) I don’t mind giving Anna romantic love too (and maybe Elsa one day?)

But anyway, yes, a month before its official release, several page scans from the The Art of Frozen 2 have leaked, which pretty much confirm the ending alluded to in the mythology book and many others. And honestly, after taking some time to let all the information sink in, I’m not as upset as I thought I would be. At first I thought I was just numb by now, having already been sick about it for nearly two weeks after the mythology book leaked. But more likely, I think I’ve just made myself form a different perspective. In all the fandoms I partake in, I always try to make myself open to different interpretations of the characters and story even if they don’t fully agree with my own. I understand that there’s a risk involved with falling too deeply in love with someone else’s creation - that they may not interpret the characters and story the same way you do and it becomes difficult to distinguish your own headcanon perspective vs actual canon. What I think has happened with the Frozen fandom is an unfortunate case where lack of canon material has caused me (and no doubt others) to indulge so much in my own headcanons that I started to see it as “fact” when it really is just my interpretation and “filling in the blanks” so to speak.

To illustrate, Anna and Elsa spend very little time together in the first movie, which is what makes their rekindled love for each other at the end so impacting. But if you think about it, the ice skating together in the original Frozen’s epilogue plus a few more scenes in the two short films, only equates to about a half hour’s worth of content showing them interacting as sisters. When you have such an appealing character relationship but such a small amount of canon content with which to interpret it over a span of six years, it’s only natural that my own headcanons took over until I started seeing them as the only interpretation. Especially for Elsa, who has a lot less screentime in the first movie than Anna, so honestly we really don’t know her that well. Have I really seen enough of her in the first movie plus two shorts to say with certainty that she could never be happy without Anna always being by her side? Is the filmmakers’ view of her as a “protector” and “mythical character” who feels at home in the enchanted lands less valid than my own interpretation of her? Again, when I try to describe Elsa I realize that much of it is based on my own headcanons, which are perfectly valid, but I shouldn’t be surprised if it turns out the filmmakers have a different vision for her. Just because I personally love all the sisterly moments between Anna and Elsa and so always want that to exist in the Frozen universe so I can keep indulging in it, mean that any other direction for the story is bad? Of course anyone can infer basic things about Anna and Elsa without any headcanons, such as the fact that they love each other and enjoy being together, but when I ask myself questions like “What evidence do I really have that they’ll always want to live together?” or “Is Elsa really perfectly content being the queen of Arendelle as opposed to doing something else?” or “Does true love mean always having to physically be close to each other in order to be happy?” I realize that I can’t answer them as confidently as I’d like.

As I asked myself questions like this and read the leaked art book pages a few times over - especially the foreward - I came to the conclusion that the creators did indeed put a lot of love and effort into their choices for Frozen 2, and their thought process for developing the story as described in the foreward makes sense even if it’s not the direction I personally would have gone. As I was reading it, I thought, if another fan like myself wrote it I would think “Hm, that’s an interesting interpretation, not quite how I see it, but valid nonetheless.” But in this case, the one with that interpretation is the creators, so all you can do is accept their view or move away. It’s not like they were way off and focused the sequel on a new character and pushed Anna and Elsa into the background, or even focused a lot on Anna and Kristoff: from everything I’ve read, the focus of Frozen 2 is still the “undying love of two sisters” (as Josh Gad put it), just not in the way I was expecting. Anna and Elsa’s bond has been conveyed as so strong it’s almost omnipotent and ethereal, even more so it seems in the sequel, so the interpretation is twofold: does the fact that it’s this strong mean that they always have to be together in order to be happy, or does it mean that time and space doesn’t matter because it’s so strong? Obviously the filmmakers (and others) interpret it the latter way while many fans interpret it the former. But can we really say one view is wrong and the other is right?

And even with all these leaks, there’s still a lot we don’t know: we still don’t know exactly what happens in Ahtohallan and other events leading up to the epilogue. We don’t know for sure that being the “fifth spirit” means Elsa will become a literal spirit or just get a boost in magical power. We don’t know all the whys and hows of her choosing to become the Snow Queen and giving the role of queen to Anna. These are very important plot points that I feel are best judged by actually seeing it with my own eyes and not drawing conclusions from vague book descriptions and concept art. Until I see it for myself, I can’t say how I’ll feel, so it’s better for my health and well being if I just stay positive. But even knowing all that I do about the ending now, when I look at my Frozen collection and all the imagery of Anna and Elsa holding hands and hugging, I’m asking myself “Does my knowledge of the Frozen 2 ending make me feel less connected to all the ‘snow sisters’ stuff I’ve indulged in for six years?” And to be honest, as of now, it doesn’t, which is a good sign. I do feel sad and jarred that I now have to throw out six year’s worth of headcanons and fan stories I’ve created in my mind...but you know what, I’m willing to start again because I still love Anna and Elsa and I think there will always be great story potential for them. I see the “old” Frozen imagery now as, yes, they had their time living together as sisters (would have liked to see more of it in canon but oh well) and now they have different roles in life, but that doesn’t negate the time they shared and the love they have. Of course, my opinion could change when I actually see Frozen 2, for better or worse, but I’ve already spent so long looking forward to this movie, there’s no point in backing out now and not making the best of it.

As I stated in a past post (from right before the first leaks happened) my Frozen fandom is at a crossroads now and I can’t predict what it will be like a few months from now: I could love Frozen 2 and my fandom will continue on a long time, especially if Disney announces more installments (I still think Frozen 3 or 1.5 is a possibility), or I could find the ending distasteful enough that it makes me lose interest sooner, or regardless of whether I like the sequel or not, I lose interest in Frozen and move onto other fandoms. Or maybe I won’t, and lack of official content from Disney will cause me to take up fanfiction writing or something like that. But whatever happens, I’m going to stay positive because I don’t like being negative. For those of you who are appalled at the ending, I understand and I hope you’ll still see the movie for yourself it’ll change your mind even a little, but please handle it in the way that’s best for you (leave the fandom, indulge in fanfiction, sell your merch). And for others who are being accepting of it, I hope we end up pleasantly surprised.

Okay, I’ve rambled on long enough. This should be the last thought-spilling Frozen 2 post I write until I actually see the movie - I can’t imagine we could get anymore leaks or information at this point that would drastically change my view. In the meantime, I’m just gonna lay low and reserve final judgment until November 22nd (or sooner if I win tickets to the premiere!)

#frozen #frozen 2 #frozen 2 spoilers #frozen2 #disney frozen

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crasherfly · 4 years

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What I’m Up To

Taking a brief pause from my fantasy screenplay to talk a bit about what I’m playing/reading/listening to these days.

VIDYA GAMES

Cities: Skylines- Still working on my shithole city in all its glory. San Cruz has expanded to over 100k residents and in the past week I’ve built a level 3 park, extensive monorail system, and even extensive helicopter pickup lines. It’s still a terrible place to live, but it’s also fun to grapple with the challenges of a desert map.

Yakuza 0- I’m gonna post this take here, since we’re not on twitter and I’m safe from the mobs- Yakuza 0 is the experience everyone promised me Witcher 3 would be. Thrilling combat, a fascinating game world, and lovely, meaningful side quests. If this sounds like I’m digging at Witcher 3, I promise I’m not. I personally didn’t enjoy that game. But obviously, many, many people did and would disagree with my critiques. That’s totally fine! I’m just saying I’m enjoying Yakuza 0 for merits similar to what I’ve heard in connection with the Witcher franchise- and I could also see people having similar gripes, too! I’ve been on a well documented single player drought over the past couple months. Yakuza 0 finally broke me out of that, and it’s been a thrill. Getting out of the COD grind cycle has been a joy. This is a lovely experience that rewards curiosity by sparking yet more curiosity. I can’t wait to see how it continues to open up. Expect my Twitter account to go on about this for a while.

Mario 64- I have 8 stars! I’m told I have like, 113 more to go, a number which makes me groan. So far, Mario 64 has felt like an obligation that is occasionally fun. It’s very dated, but it has the DNA that would go on to make later games like Odyssey an absolute joy. Games like these feel more like an exercise in filling in my gamer history gaps than they do labors of love. Like most retro games, I have a hard time getting into Mario 64 for longer than 20 minutes at a time. So this will likely be a long-running project.

Star Wars: Squadrons- I probably should have known better, but I picked this game up ‘cuz the reviews were decent and the price felt right. Good news is that in the couple of hours I’ve spent with it, the gameplay is mostly solid and the graphics are beautifully rendered. It feels like both Rogue Squadron AND X-Wing, which is a hell of an accomplishment. Bad news is several of the missions appear to be badly broken, requiring numerous restarts. The game is generous with checkpoints, so it’s not a huge deal, but it is annoying. Hopefully they patch that stuff. I also haven’t tried multiplayer yet. None of my friends have bit on picking this up, so I’m not sure when or if it will happen. Assuming I can power through the hammy story, I’ll at least finish the campaign sometime down the line, even if I can’t be bothered to care how any of this fits into the larger world of Star Wars.

Warzone- Still doing that Season 6 thing! Subways have been mostly a disappointment for me so far, and the new marksman rifle has made the current meta a veritable hell for anyone with underdeveloped quick scoping skills, but I still get a couple matches in every day.

ANIME

God of High School- To say God of High School moves fast is an understatement. True to form, it sprinted its way through the finale. It’s got some lovely sequences, and I can’t wait to get my hands on the OST, but beyond a couple of choice battles, it didn’t leave a strong impression on me. I’m glad I saw it, but I’m not thirsting for a new season.

Dragon Ball- I switched over to the English dub of this show. I don’t usually do that, but I was struggling to keep my attention. I think in a way it helped? The English dub actors are far more cartoonish and silly, which really plays to the absurd animation and story turns. I’m on S1E13, and the first summoning of the dragon just happened. I won’t spoil except to say...this show has a deeply specific sense of humor, and I’m starting to dig it?

Fire Force- Season 2 is finally taking off for me. I’m on ep 14, and the focus has shifted over to the mysterious Joker. The battles have been compelling, as have been the mysteries placed by his storyline. I was struggling with feeling invested in S2 thus far, but the past few ep’s have reminded me of why I found this show special in the first place- when it gets serious and stays focused, it’s one of the tightest active shonen stories.

Manga

I’ve been on a bit of a manga break lately. Today I did take time with another chapter of Fruits Basket, which continues to be a lovely delight. I also recently received Master Edition copies of both Fairy Tail and Berserk. This week, my goal is to finish both Fruits Basket and my latest volumes of One Piece so I can dive into my new Master Editions.

Music

I haven’t had much change in my music tastes lately. I’ve been listening to a lot of Kompany and other dubstep artists, mostly ‘cuz I find the deep bass and variety of sounds soothing to me while I’m writing and zoning out during sessions of Cities: Skylines. I also enjoy its tempo while I’m running. Anything that helps the time pass, really.

Tabletop Games

I played 6 hours of DND this weekend. It was mostly a free-form improv session where I let the players do basically anything they wanted to within the gameworld we established during The Lost Mines of Phandelver. It was very heavy on roleplay, without a single instance of combat. While I was personally exhausted after the session, the players expressed that they had a very good time. We’ll be looking to finish up what they started in a bonus session for October!

Wrastlin!

My WWF Discord group just finished 1999 King of the Ring. Mr. Ass won! One of our folks actually got her bracket right. I had predicted Kane winning, so I was obviously out of luck on that. In the last RAW, Stone Cold Steve Austin just won the Heavy Weight Title from the Undertaker in an unlikely win! We’ll see how long that stint lasts...

Streams

I tried streaming from my personal Twitch using a schedule last week!

It...had mixed results.

My Warzone streams were my most popular, which is funny, ‘cuz I’m not that good at Warzone. My least popular were my Dungeon of the Endless and Yakuza 0 streams, which is not a big surprise. Those games aren’t that fun to watch.

I wanted to do the schedule as a an attempt to see if I could get a small audience or find some new meaning in games I was working through by presenting them as content.

I found the answer to both was more or less “not really”.

And that’s okay!

I also learned streaming, even just for an hour a night, is hard work. We should all be kinder to our content creators and in awe of the friends we have who do it even when on one is watching. Content creation is so unforgiving. Maybe if I stuck with it longer I’d have found my niche, but honestly, I just enjoy games for the games, and turning them into content just isn’t my speed.

I’ve been doing the whole SpriteClub thing per usual. I’m a paid subscriber now! And I even am on a greeting basis with some folks. That’s been really cool. We had debuts this weekend too, where creators submit new fighters. The system matches them with other fighters to determine ratings. It’s a lot of fun, and the event always has this festival atmosphere to it.

I’ve also been watching a lot of streams from the gals over at hololive-EN. Specifically, I’ve been watching Gawr Gura, Amelia Watson and Mori Calliope. It’s become nightly viewing in my household. I’ll save the debate on V-Tubers for a different place, suffice to say I have enjoyed the games they’ve presented and the personalities they’ve developed, and I think the success they’ve found is well earned. There are some talented folks behind these projects, and I find the streams to be relaxing, enjoyable, and at hours I can actually tune in for.

Personal News

Lately, I’ve been feeling pretty down. This can be easily correlated with the shift in temperature, for sure. I know a lot of people really dig fall, and I used to be a SPOOKY SEASON guy myself, but as I get older, fall has shifted into this period of mourning as I recognize the shortening days and the coming winter, which has always played hell with my body.

I’ve been struggling with a number of phantom symptoms that seem to pop up this time of year- bad digestion, terrible sleep (likely resulting from mild apnea), fatigue and heart palpitations. In turn, my mental health has been seriously flagging.

At the suggestion of my therapist, I’ve started up a new vitamin regimen including a multivitamin and magnesium. I’ve also focused on finding potassium enriched foods and have cut back significantly on my drinking and caffeine. So far, this has actually resulted in me gaining weight ‘cuz I’ve been indulging in a lot of sugar as a coping mechanism, but I’m working through getting back to a healthy place where I can both track my intake but also be content with where I’m at. Right now I’m doing my best to try and fight the urge to become a Nap Guy.

Last week I took several naps, even on my off days, and I’ve had a hard time sustaining my energy throughout the day, so I’m doing a better job of getting the sleep my body asks for while also structuring my day with more purpose so I’m left with less time just lying around wondering what to do.

Last week I broke my personal best for a 5K, breaking 24 minutes. For today’s run, I plan to try and break my 7:30 time on my mile run to the gym.

For weights, I’ve gotten into a rhythm of 3 times a week, with Mondays and Fridays focusing on my core exercises- presses and curls, with Wednesdays focusing on pulls that are centered on working out my back, as well as bodyweight exercises such as dips and pull ups. This variation has given my limbs more time to heal up, which is welcome. Now if only I could be kinder to my body AFTER the gym, I might see some actual progress!

Work continues to be what it is. I’m at 30 hours now, which continues to be a huge positive. I don’t think I could keep at it with 40 hours. Change is a constant, and they seem to find new ways to make our jobs more convoluted every day. I have a quarterly review coming up with my new supervisor, but I have a feeling it won’t be nearly so traumatic as the last one, as I’ve done a good job of straightening up and flying right.

As I get more distance from August, I’m starting to recognize it- the events of my workplace disasters, my unplanned vacation, my off the rails spending and drinking- for what it was- it was a breakdown. And I’m still recovering from it. I was deeply unwell, and I took on some trauma- some of it wasn’t stuff I was looking for, some of it was stuff I brought on myself. I’m working through it. I wish I could say things like therapy have made a huge difference, but frankly, most of the work comes from stuff like this, where I’m just writing and being transparent with myself. That’s where I find the most healing work happens.

I still have a lot of my social media muted. When I need news, it typically filters through into my Discord, or Yahoo dings my phone or I see it on my Facebook feed. It’s fair to say that lately it’s felt like everything just Happens So Much.

I feel for my friends who are directly impacted- by the election, by the supreme court, by...just, everything. It all makes my own personal journey and endeavors feel...deeply small. At the same time, I just don’t have the emotional capacity required to house this perpetual crowd of events or constantly process everything in real time. I’m not sure when, if ever, I will have that again. I struggle to read ANYTHING- even friendly sites like Defector or The Discourse, without feeling an immense downswing.

I don’t know what the answer is. I wish I could just gut up and stay constantly plugged in for the sake of pals who might need to openly hash this out or draw attention to their causes or needs, but based on the past few months, I’m not sure I can take care of myself, let alone others. As I often tell close friends, my priorities these days are this small and in this order- Stay Healthy, Stay Kind, Stay Employed, Stay Productive- anything that goes right beyond that feels like a bonus in 2020.

At any rate, thanks for reading the update, y’all!

I’ll try and post these more regularly. I just wanted to check in with everyone and let y’all know how everything is going these days. Stuff like this helps me keep honest, as lately I’ve had a hard time sussing out what my direction is these days. Stay safe and well, and hit me up with what you’re up to, when you find a moment!

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ticktickblog · 4 years

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Minimalism: How I Finally Found the True Beauty of Living with Less

A couple of months ago, I saw a TV series called Tidying Up with Marie Kondo, where a Japanese lady Konmari visited families to help them tidy their homes. The tiding process normally starts from clothes, books to sentimental items. A rule she’s given is only keeping what’s necessary and discarding those that don’t spark joy anymore. The basic concept embedded in the Konmari method is actually similar to minimalism.

Minimalism is about living with less. This not only means getting rid of extra material possessions, like what they did in that TV series, but also includes reducing mental burdens, and decluttering other aspects of life, e.g. digital life. It’s a less-is-more mindset that gets you to reflect on the current state of your life and identify what is truly valuable. With a minimalist lifestyle, people can sort their life well to enjoy more peace and freedom.

Getting rid of excessive material possessions

Among all aspects of minimal living, what we could easily start with is probably the personal belongings. I know this may still sound like a big project, but here’s what I did:

Observing

The first thing I did was to examine how much stuff I actually own, and I started with clothing. I pulled over all my clothes from several wardrobes and piled them together, which was really appalling, especially seeing hills and hills of clothes and some were years ago but still with the label on. I came to realize that I was kinda a semi shopaholic that I never thought I was.

Decluttering

Then it comes to the decluttering. I had to decide what to keep and what to toss. Considering some clothes are still quite new, I spare another choice for donation. It was quite a struggle to decide which item should go, but I asked myself two main questions:

Functionality: is it still functional/wearable?

Sentimental value: is it something meaningful/makes me happy?

It became easier with these two standards. For example,

Pieces bought out of pure impulse: donate.

Sweater my grandma knitted for me: stay.

T-shirts with holes: go.

Same type of dress: keep the best, ditch the rest.

Trousers I haven’t worn for the last year: go/donate.

Tip: One thing I learned from Konmari was the thank-you ritual. Thank the item for its sweet company before letting it go. This can help reduce your inner guilt when throwing things away.

Organizing

What was also suggested by Marie Kondo was organizing stuff by category instead of by location.This simply means storing the same type of items together, rather than letting them scatter in multiple places. For example, all towels go to one box, and all T-shirts should be collected in the same drawer, sorted by colors if you’d like. This helps when I need to quickly search for something, and also gives me a clear idea of the number of same items I own, which then can prevent me from buying more than I actually need.

Maintaining

To maintain the cleared-out momentum, regularly check if anything becomes excessive or nonfunctional. Also, always ask yourself the hard question — Do I really need it?/Do I already have it? — before you fall prey to consumerism that encourages you to buy excessively. Some minimalists stick strictly to the “one-in-one-out” principle, which means when they add something new, another stuff they already had should go. I haven’t tried this, it might be effective, but also be careful that it can lead to a simple replacement too.

Cleaning up digital clutters

Compared with visible substances in real life, what burdens us in the digital world is perhaps much harder to be noticed. A quick self-check can be: unlocking your phone and counting how many installed apps there are, or go to the photo album, and see the number of photos stored in it. In my case: 187 apps and 19220 photos. Amazing.

I decided to start the purge from those little cute apps. First I created different folders to sort them out by category. Interestingly, I realized I’ve downloaded 14 apps of a single type — photography and editing. Never knew I had a true passion for that. To downsize it, something particularly useful was: keeping the multi-functional apps because these are the ones I use most, just like TickTick, an all-in-one productivity app. Then the others are just a waste of storage. Also, let go of those barely used, for me the recipe apps, because I seldom cook, and also the recruitment apps, which were only used when I needed to look for a job. When finishing the decluttering process, the size of apps on my phone was shrunk largely to nearly ⅓ of the past.

The same process then went with my photo album, which was downsized to about 6k from 20k, after all the meaningless screenshots and repetitive selfies were deleted, and all trip photos were moved into cloud drive. This could further extend to messages or emails, if those are the severely-hit areas in your case. God bless.

I literally felt my phone was thinner after the whole process. Try it.

Reducing the amount of information I’m exposed to every day was what I did next. I’ve tried more radical way like cutting my phone completely out of daily life for 3 days in a row. It felt terrible honestly, and I used it for more hours as a payback once I got it back. A common misconception there of minimalism might be the elimination, but I think the difference is minimalism is not telling you to avoid something forever, it’s always about striking a balance between your desires and capacity.

Therefore, I’m enjoying my digital life, but I’m also trying to weighing it against my capacity of information that I can take in. Articles with exaggerated titles but cheesy contents needed to go first; numbers of newsletters subscribed should be restricted; time spent on TV series was limited; scrolling on social media posts was also reduced; notifications from apps were minimized… so on an so forth.

Reducing mental burdens

Lastly I’d like to talk a little about the effects of minimalism on mental world.

Also take myself as an example, I used to be addicted to expanding my social network, because I’ve long been educated: one more friend, one more road. Therefore, I took very good care of my social media accounts like they were just many MEs living on the internet. However, the larger my network size is, the more exhausted I feel. The more I care about how many likes I get for a new insta post, the more anxious I get.

Then I just realized putting so much effort into building social personas and expanding so-called friendships did nothing good, but added on my mental burdens. Why not spending more time for myself, and people I really love and care about? Understanding the truth of quality over quantity, I decided to:

Unfollow people I met on a party but never talked in life since then.

Delete those using me as a “problem-solving machine” but nothing else.

Delete those who barely contacted me unless they became sales.

Let go of those in close relationships but ghosted for whatever reasons.

Share what I’d really like to share instead of what my online friends like.

After doing that, I felt so much more relieved than before, because I finally understood that my time and energy is the very limited resources I have in life and thus not everyone around me is worth it. I truly get the meaning of living with less: spending less time on the unnecessary and what consumes you endlessly, but more on what you really need and what brings you joy.

Talking all above, you might feel inspired and would also like to try the minimalist lifestyle. But before you go, I’d like to kindly remind you of three gimmicks of minimalism I’ve spotted:

It’s not a disposal competition. Focusing only on the number of stuff you’ve tossed or people moved from your contact is not what really matters. And there isn’t a rule saying the less, the better.

It’s not a promotion of expensive brands with minimal designs. Some products brand themselves with minimalism, making it a new aesthetics standard with normally a not-so-affordable price. How ironic.

Make conscious decisions when ditching something, or else you may find yourself end up in a replacement cycle that causes extra expenditure.

In a nutshell, minimalism is a way of life and a way of thinking. It encourages us to focus more on what’s truly important in life and avoid other distractions; it becomes an antidote that saves us from drowning in numerous goods and boomed information; it helps reduce mental loads and spare some room for inner happiness.

So thank minimalism, go and enjoy life!

#minimalism #minimalist #minimalist lifestyle #living with less #less is more

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dungeonsndiapers · 5 years

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28w5d

I got diagnosed with gestational diabetes. It’s been rather emotional for me, because I just didn’t want another thing to stress about.

The first thing that hit me was guilt, the thought that I did this. That this was solely my fault, just like all the other issues we’ve had over the years. I started looking back at my entire first and a good chunk of my second trimester of not being able to stomach anything but carbs first thing in the morning and that my only craving has been Dr. Pepper and all the times I indulged (regardless of all the times I chose not to).

Then I felt embarrassment, that the first thing people will think is “of course she has gestational diabetes, just look at her”. I started looking up articles online that pretty much start out with “Don’t be such a fatty fat fat and you’ll be ok”, which didn’t help me feel better. I didn’t want to tell anyone, I didn’t want to get guilted by a nurse for poor eating habits (although I’ve only lost weight this pregnancy). I felt like I did the best I could but that no one would ever believe that, because obviously fat peoples have no self control in the eyes of society. And let’s be real: while yes, skinny people get it as well, according society that’s a tragedy and let’s support and feel sorry for them. For fat people they deserve it and should learn control themselves more.

Then I just started feeling sorry for myself and mentally stamping my feet and throwing a child like tantrum. I just didn’t want this, and it’s not fair. I don’t want to have to test my sugars and worry about what I’m eating. I laid on the floor in the hallway and cried to Bill on phone his entire way home from work. “I’m probably going to starve to death because I hate most vegetables”. And tbh, diet mentality is exceptionally triggering for me. My obsessive nature and anxiety don’t mix well, and I tend to work myself up to a bad mental health state, including turning to eating disorder behaviors. So I was honestly worried about putting myself in that place, and also pissed I had to when being pregnant feels like the one time in life you’re allowed to be like “Yeah I’ll have that piece of chocolate mid day, I’m pregnant and can do what I want!”

And on it went. It was a vicious cycle between those emotions and more for a good 48 hours. There was lots of uncontrollable crying and a bit of rage, Bill was pretty much at a loss of what to do (cause honestly telling me “at least it’s only 3 months” makes me want to kill you. Enjoy your pumpkin spice latte you fucker. You haven’t had to do anything this entire pregnancy!) When I found out, I hung up on the nurse because I started to get hysterical on the phone. I couldn’t set up my necessary appointments or get the information about the supplies I needed, I just said I was so sorry and hung up while choking back sobs. The next day was Friday, and I still couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone on the phone. Bill called for me and spoke to the same nurse. He talked to her about my anxieties and concerns. She reassured him that the process isn’t as invasive as we are imaging. She explained the process and he relayed it to me. I already had a doctors appointment scheduled for Monday, so they just penciled me in to see the diabetes nutrionist right after. It made me feel better that I didn’t have to worry about any of it for the next few days.

Monday came, and by then I was in a better headspace. I still didn’t WANT to have to do this, but I knew I had to. So I can either be miserable and complain the entire time, or be my A typical self and dive head first into it. The nurse right off bat asked me what my biggest fears were. I told her that I worry this is all my fault. I told her about our loss and the stress for the first few months and how upsetting yet another problem is making everything feel. She reassured me that this wasn’t my fault, then pulled out diagrams and charts explaining why this happens and what it means. She gave us a ton of information, charts, and booklets. Showed me how to test my sugars and when and gave me a booklet to help me keep track of my sugars. She said it was my choice if I also wanted to track my food, which I’m doing but for myself and not to share with them.

So now I’m 3 days in and managing ok. The first day I had a high number after breakfast which sent me into a panic. (Which the my warned me not do to, but you explain that to my anxiety) I spent hours agonizing over what I ate and then planning my lunch and calculating carbs and proteins multiple times while downloading like 5 different food charting apps (not a good idea. I deleted all but 1 which focuses on sugar and not weight loss). Since then I have calmed down a bit and my numbers have been decent. Only a few over here and there and only over by like 1-5 point range so I feel like I’m doing ok. I’m not at the point where I feel like I can eat away home and still feel confident I’d do a decent job, I sort of need the security of planning meals so I know I’m doing it right. Today as I made lunch I let myself think about the fact I have 3 months of doing this, and it feels fucking daunting.

I’m still not thrilled, but whatever. New baby will be born alive and healthy and it’s because I kept them that way. And I’m sure as shit going to pat myself on the back the entire time.

(Please don’t message me or leave notes with advice on what to do, I feel ok right now and need to stay on my own track. If I need help or have questions I will ask, god knows I’ve asked a lot of parenting advice on here before.)

#pregnancy #pregnancy after loss #28 weeks pregnant #28 weeks #28w5d #gestational diabetes #I sort of hate everyone and everything right now

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everythingxoblog · 4 years

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I found you.

August 18th marked an entire year of loving him. I didn't take it lightly. As the memories popped up on my phone, i remininced, I watched the video of him playing with my daughter over and over. I even posted it on my snap story. I posted a status, stating how much can happen in a year. God, it's crazy. It's now been over three months since i've seen and spoken to him, and i wish i could say we ended on a good note, but you know that isn't the truth. I spent the entire day obsessing over him, i won't deny that at all. I tried everything. Fun fact, every single day for the last three months, i have checked to see if he unblocked me. He's done that, where he will unblock me for a little just to check on me. He wasn't doing that this time. It killed me. I wanted to talk to him. I emailed him, i found three different emails. I tried messaging the friend he was with, too. Blocked. Of course. I went on a website that you can find people's informatiion. Such as phone numbers, emails, locations, etc. I spent $40 trying to find him that way, and i didn't succeed. I messaged his sister, I spent the entire day obsessing, with no luck. It was normal though, i would always obsess over him. Wondering where he is, why he won't talk to me, if he ever even cared about me, if he was okay, most importantly, if he was safe. I wanted him safe. I could not handle the thought that he could die at any moment, and who knows how long it would take for me to find out. What would i do? I knew what i would do, honestly. I thought of every scenario i could. I wanted to prepare myself, because i knew it would come to that at some point. I knew that his services would be closer to his sister, in Cheshire i assumed. I knew i would have to ask his sister to stay with her, cause i wouldn't miss a thing, and to be honest, i would need to be surrounded by people that understood. People who knew who he was. The real him. Not a lot of people around here understand why i am the way i am over him. They don't know him. Not like i do. I knew that when it came down to it, i would break down, and shut the entire world out. I was prepared to fall apart. Thankfully, that never had to happen. When i say thankfully, i mean thank fucking god. He is such a lucky man, who has cheated death way too many times and i truly believe there's a reason for it. He is meant to be more than what he lets himself. He has a purpose here. He will be good, and be who he is meant to be. He just has more obstacles than the normal person. The day came, and went. I had come to the conclusion that i would never see or hear from him again. I mean, i guess it was expected. How many times could we do this? He didn't want help, and i wouldn't watch him kill himself. I had my friend message him to unblock me, but still, nothing. I got a message from my friend that day. It was crazy that of all days, i'd be hearing it now. What i was told, was that he and his friend were found in very bad shape living in a tent in Fitchburg, and were placed into detox. Thank god right? Not really. They got released. I figured he would go right back to his bullshit. I truly believed that he wasn't going to get clean again, because the only person he let into his life was going to make take him down. He didn't have me anymore. I know that i may be the reason of his relapse, but i also know damn well i was the reason he would get clean every time. August 19th passed. August 20th passed. August 21st started. Normal day. I am still depressed. At this point i'm not eating, i'm not sleeping, i'm having night mares when i do sleep. I swear the longer all this went on, the worse i got. Truly. Until i got a message in the morning from my friend, saying that the boy unblocked me. WHAT? I couldn't believe it. This was the opportunity i was waiting for. I've never felt so anxious to talk to someone. But i sent him a message instantly, asking to talk. We did. I cried. I never thought this would happen. I thought he was gone. Forever. And there he was, on the other end of the phone. We facetimed, i saw him. Wow. Even after everything, i look into his eyes, his SOBER eyes, and i fall in love every time. We arranged to meet. I was dropping my daughter off with her dad, and heading to Fitchburg. I could not believe this was happening. I was scared at first, i wont lie. I didn't know what he's been up to, or who he's been with. I knew i would be safe though, He would never hurt me, i know i'm safe with him. I truly believe even if he was high, he would protect me if he needed to. I know how much he loves me, and it's special. I know he would do anything for me. He may have made mistakes, he may have fucked me over, but the person who did that is not the same person i see. I don't expect anyone to understand. I was very hesitant telling anyone what i was up to, because i know what my friends think of the situation. They have every right to think the way they do though. I'll never get mad at anyone telling me it's not a good idea to get involved with him again, and i appreciate how much they care about me. I wish i could say i know what i'm doing, but i dont. I know to be cautious. I know to not let my guard down. I know that he is all i think about, all day, all night. Always. I've tried being with other people. I have a problem, though. I look for him in everyone. It's not healthy, It's not fair to the other person. I know that. The first one, ended up being an alcoholic, and coke head. That lasted not even a month. Then, there was one that lasted almost 6 months, I enjoyed him, truly. He was nice, but he had a lot of flaws. He was always too focused on himself. He's a loner. He couldn't treat me how i wanted, even when i told him exactly what i wanted. I had to end it. There's a lot more to it, but that's the main thing. I expect to be appreciated, loved, obsessed over, shown off, sang to, looked at like i'm the most special person in the world, i expect efforts. I expect, what the boy that meant everything did. I have never been treated the way he treated me. Ever. It's almost like a movie. He's just so special. Noone will ever compare to him, and i mean that with everything i have in me. I met him at a gas station on Main st. It was so nerve wrecking, I didn't know what he would look like. I prepared myself for him to look awful, and i knew it was a possibility he could be high, but i had a feeling he wouldn't be. He wouldn't do that. I cried waiting, because i was just so overwhelmed with emotions. I saw him walking towards me, i jumped out of the car and went right into his arms. Where i belong. I've always known i belonged with him. When i tell you he is EVERYTHING, i don't say it lightly. He makes me feel safe, loved, cherished, special, etc. It's crazy that i was with my husband almost 7 years, and i never even felt lost after leaving him. I felt so lost without this boy. And there he was, with his arms wrapped around me again. This was it. This was HOME. We got into the car and were heading to Coggshall park. As i'm pulling out, i totally got into an accident. I wasn't paying as much attention as i should have been. My mind was everywhere. I smashed into another car. WOW. What are the odds that i get into my first accident two seconds after my life finally feels like it's coming together again? I pulled into a parking lot to deal with what just happened. He did everything, though. He knows me. He knows i was freaked out, anxious, scared. He went and talked to the other driver, he exchanged information for me, he did everything. I only talked to the cop. He takes care of me, he always has looked out for me and kept me comfortable even in bad situations. My car is a little fucked up, but it's okay. Noone was hurt. He assured me everything would be fine. We finally made it to the park. Guess who drove? Him. I was too scared to. We sat in the car for a long time. We talked a lot. We laughed alot. We cried a lot. I told him everything i've been dying to say, he told me everything i was dying to know. He's checked up on me this whole time. He never stopped caring. He was caught up in a mess, and didn't know how to get out. I didn't expect convincing him to get into a program and get help would be so easy. It never has been. He's always wanted to do it himself, he never wanted help, truly. I think most of the time, he felt he had no choice. This time was different. I could feel it. We walked around the park, talking, holding my hand, walking my dog, listening to songs that i've so desperately wanted him to hear for months, When i'm with him, it's so easy. We just connect, instantly. He is my best friend, and the love of my life. I know that. I compare everyone to him, and i am never satisfied. He is everything i could ever ask for. The demons are just extra baggage. Baggage that i am learning how to deal with every single day. I know the demons will always be inside him. I truly believe he can tuck them away and not let them take over again. He's smart. He has so much potential. He is going to be the person he's supposed to be, i'm sure of it. I hope it starts now, but i am not letting my gaurd down. I've learned. I dropped him off after he went and got me pizza. I didn't want to leave him. I didn't want him going back to his friend. I had a bad feeling. I knew his friend wouldn't be happy knowing i'm back. He was controlling my boy. But when i come around, i know i'm all that matters to him. I know that i'm his weakness, but also his strength to do the right thing and get back on track. His friend didn't like that. I panic a lot when i don't hear from him. Can you blame me? I blew his phone up trying to get a hold of him. I'm impatient. But i got a hold of him and he called me for a while. I ended up meeting up with my friends at the bar, and he stayed texting me. He was now in a bad situation, where his friend wanted to get high. He didn't want to. He told his friend no when he was asked to front drugs. He knew he had to get away from this man. He did the right thing by calling me. He could have just given in and gotten high, but he didn't. I went to get him in fitchburg around midnight. Thankfully, i had a gut feeling that something might happen, so i only had one drink while i was out. I swear as weird as it sounds, i have some type of connection to him. I can FEEL when things aren't right. I picked him up at cumbies, and we headed back to Gardner. His uncle got him a hotel room for the night, so we checked in. I stayed there with him for a few hours. I had so many questions, and he answered all of them. I know he didn't lie or sugar coat anything, either. I can tell when he's lying. I got good at it. I fell asleep in his arms, and it had been so long since i've been able to do that. I only slept for a couple hours, but it was the most peaceful sleep i've had in a very long time. I wish i could have stayed all night, but i had to get home to my dog. I drove home at 3am, and it felt like old times. I did that all last summer. I would stay with him until 3/4am and head home. If i could relive last summer, i would. Well, for the good parts. Not so much the bad ones. But the good ones overpowered all the bad. I promise. I woke up and called the hotel room to talk to him. I headed that way to pick him up. Something in me changes when he's around. I would never wake up and start my day like that. My routine is to wake up, get coffee, and sit around at home for hours. When he's around, i want to spend every single moment i can with him. Always. We drove around, i called my insurance, he called trying to find a bed in detox. We brought my dog to the park, where we put our initials last fall. I made sure i pointed that out to him, of course. We went and saw his friend from pathway. This friend of his actually has become one of my best friends, because he knows everything, understands everything, and has been there for me through all of it. We went to new hampshire to get butts, like we used to. If it wasn't raining, i totally could have gotten him to clean my car like he used to as well. He was so good to me.Anything to make me happy, he would. What i love most about him is the fact that i can be myself with him. I can tell him anything and everything. I can sing in the car with him. I can be a weirdo with him. I can shit on him and he'll joke around with me about it. I trust him. As crazy as that is. I know that with everything he has done to me, i shouldn't trust him. But i do. When he's sober, he would never do anything to hurt me. I know that for a fact. He got a bed in a detox. I didn't expect it to happen to soon, but i am grateful. He needed this. Before he went, we talked a lot, i even brought him to our spot at price chopper. It really is the little things that mean SO much. And he doesn't forget a thing. At all. That's how i know i really do mean a lot to him. He cherishes our memories as do i. His ride was coming, and our time was coming to an end. I wasn't ready, i just got him back. I wanted more time. But we will have time. This comes first. He calls me. A lot. I love it. I can't wait for him to call this morning so i can tell him i wrote this. He read the last one, as i hoped he did. I'm glad he saw everything from my view. He said i'm good at this. I can only do this about him though. He has such a strong impact on my life, and i want him to always know that. I want him to always know how special he is to me, and how badly i hope that this is the last time we have to go through all of this. I believe in him. So, to the boy who stole my heart the second he walked into Dunkins... Thank you. Thank you for coming back to me. Thank you for realizing that the life you were living isn't the life you should live. Thank you for loving me endlessly all this time, even when it didn't seem that way. Thank you for all you have taught me, you have shown me a side to things i never thought i would see. Because of you, i am smarter. Thank you for setting up a plan to pay me back, thank you for showing me how much you trust me. Thank you for wanting to make this all better, and knowing it will be a long, hard journey, and doing it anyway. Thank you for always making me feel like the most special girl in the entire world. Thank you for being YOU again. I love you, i've missed you, and i'm forever in your corner. Always. xoxo *so cool*

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gotboredwrote · 5 years

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Mini-Us // JFM

Pairing: Joseph Mazzello x Fem!Reader Word Count: 3.3K Style: One-Shot Warnings: Pure unadulterated fluff, swearing Summary: Y/N and Joe are ready for the “Bohemian Rhapsody” premiere in every way but one – Y/N has no idea what to wear to such an important event in Joe’s life, and Joe has no idea until the morning of. Thankfully, John and Veronica (Tetzlaff) Deacon are there to rescue the situation. Permanent Author’s Note: To clarify, I write because I get bored. Nothing is meant to be professional in any way, nor is meant to offend, cause anxiety, cause anger, cause sadness, or promote disagreement among readers in any sort of (semi)permanent way. A/N: In case this isn’t obvious, these stories are completely fiction, so please, PLEASE take it with a grain of salt that I am saying Deaky was involved with the “Bohemian Rhapsody” shoot. For the sake of this little blurb, I would like to imagine our dude and his wife-dude were involved, at least at the premiere. It should also go without saying that we as Queen/Deaky fans completely respect his choice to stay in retirement and remain a legend. Also, me posting two days in a row is not going to become normal so haha sorry enjoy anyway!

Masterlist

All the nerves buzzing around the room were infectious and electric – everyone’s adrenaline was sky-high knowing that the world would soon be able to appreciate all the hard work the boys, the producers, the crew, and Queen themselves put in to make this project a reality. The amount of detail and fist-pump-worthy music that was crammed into the two-hour film was enough to keep even a child with the world-record for the shortest attention span focused and entertained. It was a crowning-achievement for all involved, and no one could change their minds on that, including critics. Everyone had gathered in the lobby of the hotel the morning of the premiere to have the events of the day spelled out to them, that way things went as smoothly as possible. Everyone was with their plus-one’s, talking excitedly about the night’s events. Small talk being made here and there by crew and cast members who did not really know each other well, but enthusiastic nonetheless. At one point, Lucy made her way over to you and started excitedly babbling about her gown for the evening, and you smiled and complemented her choices whenever she took a breather and you had a moment to respond. Once she finished talking, she asked you to do what she just did – and all you could respond with was an averted gaze and flushed cheeks. At first, Lucy initially took that to mean that you were wearing something scandalous and that would make Joe react the same way you just did, with a little less aversion and a little bit more gawking. However, the polar opposite was true. When you spoke your truth, she entered full on crisis-mode, which made everyone spin around to listen in to your conversation.

“What do you mean, you FORGOT?” She was not screaming at you because she was mad at you, she just genuinely could not comprehend the fact that you forgot an outfit to wear to the premiere.

“H-honestly, I really don’t know. I was packing stuff for myself and Joey and I even had a list, but I guess that never made it on the list. This is so unlike me! I mean, I even picked out a special pantsuit with dinosaurs all over it for the Jurassic World premiere, and Joey wasn’t even in that! Ugh, you can’t even understand how frustrated I am with myself right now!”

It was at this point that the whole aggregation of people who were in the lobby, including those that had nothing to do with the premiere, turned to look at the two jabbering ladies. The main cast and crew noticed there was some tension in the way words were said and the way bodies were standing, so they made their way over. Joe, breaking the silence from the peanut gallery, said “Everything alright, girls?”

“Yeah, Joey, we’re just-”

“NO! Things are NOT fine, Y/N, don’t lie to him!”

At this point everyone was looking at you guys like you were speaking a foreign language because you both were exclaiming something is wrong, but would not elaborate on what said thing was. Eventually the glare Lucy kept giving you, along with purely concerned faces from Joe, Rami, Ben, Gwil, Allen, Brian, Roger, John, and their wives, forced you to break your silence and explain just what was going on. “Well, you see, in-in my haste to get here in time for the premiere with everything Joe and I needed for the weekend, it somehow slipped my mind to pack a gown, or any kind of professional outfit for that matter, for-for the premiere tonight. I did bring some stilettos, but unless leggings and a cropped tee shirt are acceptable, I’m kind of shit out of luck. Y-yeah…” To your surprise, Lucy was the only one who was not calm. The boys of the cast and the band seemed pretty neutral about the whole thing, and the plus-one’s among the bunch did not seem to take any real interest in your problem at all. The only one who actually seemed to want to help you in some way was Veronica Deacon, the wife of the man Joey portrayed. She listened carefully to your explanation, sauntered over to John, and asked him a question with some seriously convincing puppy-dog eyes. John’s reaction was simply a smile that brought out the crinkles by the corners of his eyes, which preceded a small squeal from Veronica who then made her way over to you. At this point you were sitting with Joe, Lucy leaving a few minutes prior to latch onto Rami’s arm, on one of the lobby couches going over the options you had about squeezing in a shopping trip in between the other stuff you needed to get done today. You both her the clicking of her small, dark green heels, and looked up.

“Hi, darling. I couldn’t help but overhear what you were talking, er, rather enthusiastically discussing with Lucy. Have you figured out a solution yet?”

You sigh, eliciting an upper-arm rub from Joe. “No, I haven’t, and honestly I don’t know how I’m gonna fix this. I’m not a forgetful person, if anything, I over-prepare for everything. And I am not missing this premiere.”

“And you aren’t going to miss it, dear. I just spoke with my John and I think I have a solution for you. And I promise, I will not be offended if you decline.”

“I truly have no reason to decline, Mrs. Deacon, not after everything you and John have done for Joey and myself these past months. Whatever you want to suggest, I am all ears.”

“Alright, but there is one condition – Joseph; I would need you to stay here and be okay with letting Y/N ride with me to the premiere, and I’ll send John with you.”

Joe simply looked at you adoringly, yet with a tinge of melancholy, gave you a small peck on the lips and said “She’s all yours as long as I get to walk the red carpet with my best gal.”

The beginning of the day went off without a hitch on everyone’s end. Each pair or group of people ran their errands, stopped for bites to eat, and made their way back to the hotel around 2:30pm to get ready for the premiere. Veronica was sat patiently in the lobby, chatting with John about various things, such as their children and something to do with money, and waited to see you and Joe pop back through the front doors of the hotel. Within seconds of your figures gracing through the doorway, Veronica grabbed John and explained the circumstances of what was about to happen, and then quickly ushered you back up to their room, John and Joe falling behind but eventually catching up with you. Once in front of the Deacon’s door, Veronica ran inside, grabbed everything John needed, and practically threw it out in the hallway. Joe’s face was the definition of deer-in-the-headlights, which got even worse when John simply started walking away asking Joe to take him to yours and Joe’s room. Veronica ushered you inside her room before you could ask any questions, dragged you over to the large bed her and John were sharing, pushed you to sit down and grabbed your wrists excitedly.

“So! My plan!”

“Honestly, Mrs. Deacon, you were starting to scare me a little bit. I think Joe is also pretty mortified right now,” ending your sentence with a lighthearted laugh.

“I sincerely hope you know that wasn’t or isn’t my intention, sweetheart. I just got so excited when John agreed to my idea for you that it kept bubbling up like a fizzy drink! Oh, also sweetie, please call me Ronnie. There is no need for formalities at this point.”

You continued to sit in front of Veronica, genuinely confused as to what was currently going on, but enjoying every second spent with her. You could see why John considered her his best friend.

“Since you’ve been on set quite a bit, I am sure you were aware that anything the boys had that fit the ones portraying them were loaned over for the duration of the film, so at least some of the costumes were accurate, right?” You nodded, but not following where she was going with this train of thought.

“Well, when the writers addressed that bit to them, they also turned to the wives and said that there would be a couple girls for two or three scenes that would be portraying us! Imagine that! So, they asked us if we could do the same! You know, bring some of the clothes we wore back in the late seventies, early eighties to see if they would fit those girls!”

You continued to nod, starting to get an inkling of an idea of where she was headed with her words.

“I actually still have those clothes with me! I didn’t keep a lot of them, my body changing after having six kids, as you can imagine. Which I am not complaining about! My children are my greatest accomplishment! But it’s common knowledge that the body changes with age and extreme conditions, and I would say bearing children is one of said conditions, wouldn’t you agree? Any who, I am going on a severe tangent, dear. My point is that you are a similar size to what I was back in those days, and I cannot help but wonder if something that I have would be worthy of trying on! I know that some of the patterns are a bit, how would you say, dated? But I have a couple things that are solid that just might do the trick. Would you like to see for yourself?

By the time she was finished explaining her idea, there were tears of gratitude spilling out of your eyes that you simply could not control. Now it was Veronica’s turn to be scared of you because she genuinely thought she said something that made you this upset. All you could do before words would form was grab her hands and hold them to your chest so she could feel the rapid beating of your heart. Eventually, the words you wanted to say braved the world, and you were able to choke out a thank you.

“I ser-seriously don’t think you *hic* understand h-how much this means to me, Mrs.- Mrs. Deacon. Ronnie. Wh-whatever. I was already eternally in your debt f-for everything else, but now it’s e-eternity plus one.”

The laugh of relief that escaped her throat at your words was enough to make you laugh just as hard, and at that point the plan had gone into full effect. Her room became a walk-in closet itself, and all that was left to do was find something that fit, text John to bring your heels up so Joe would not see you in advance. You glanced down at your hands, which had been trembling slightly ever since Veronica let them go, and immediately calmed down at the sight of your perfect-for-you engagement ring. This plan of Veronica’s was actually really good preparation for the wedding that would be in one year’s time.

It was 4:30, and it was time for everyone to get in their respective cars to head over to the premiere. Joe and John were forced to head out before Y/N and Veronica so they would not see you in advance of stepping onto the carpet, which worked smoothly. Eventually the cars all made their way to the venue, and everyone had made it to the premiere except for you, Veronica, Lucy, and Rami. John noticed your car pull up in front of the start of the carpet and tugged Joe’s sleeve to get his attention focused on the most important thing. The car came to a gentle stop, the driver hopped out, came around, and opened your door. Joe held his breath because he had no idea what was happening, and he was honestly slightly worried that something was wrong. But all that worry went away when he saw you stiletto-clad foot plant onto the carpet, a stark black against a bright red carpet. He was able to take in each element of your presence slowly and meticulously as you stepped out of the car, seemingly in slow motion. First, he noticed your shoes, which he had seen before, but for some reason looked different with all the anticipation. They were three-inch stilettos that had crisscrossed laces from the start of your toes, up the top of your foot, coming to a stop as a thicker band at the start of your ankle. The bottom of the shoe was no more than half an inch thick, which made him wonder just how the hell you walked in those without falling flat on your face. Then he noticed the finite amount of jewelry you were wearing. Nothing overly fancy, just the emerald-leaf promise ring on your right-ring finger, your engagement ring on your left-ring finger, and the gold-diamond tennis bracelet that hung semi-loosely on your left wrist he had bought you for your anniversary gift to go with the engagement. No other jewelry, and he could not help but think that it was just the right amount for you, considering you did not consider yourself a flashy person. Before he looked at your dress, his eyes made their way to your head, where he noticed your signature lack of makeup – again, not a flashy person, and your hairdo. A simple far-reaching side part, with the lesser volume side tucked behind your ear, and the more voluminous side bouncing gently with each step you took, your natural Y/H/C shining in the afternoon sun. Finally, he looked at the dress you were wearing, finally realizing what Veronica’s plan was all along. By today’s standards, the dress was not “in,” but boy, did you make it work. It was a full-length, thin, flowy light-blue denim dress that stopped right at the top of your feet, which he had to admit he had never seen before. There were no slits on either side, which was different from the normal gowns you wore to events. The dress hugged your curves just to the point where you could tell where Veronica was smaller than you, but not by much. Hip accentuated somewhat, but nothing provocative, the same happening at your waist, and the top laying just right on you. The dress was completely off the shoulder, top of the dress coming all the way down to the halfway point of your upper arms, hugging you just enough to stay in place but not be squeezing your arm enough to leave pesky lines. The simple denim was accentuated by a snow-white border of lace across the top all the way around, with the same pattern around the entire bottom of the skirt, as well as complimenting the ends of the flowy sleeves that went right past your elbows. It was… simply stunning. Gracefully you made you way over to Joe, who had not said anything to anyone since your car arrived, including you. You knew it should not have made you concerned, but it did. Especially considering you were now on your own, as Veronica had sauntered to John, peppering him with kisses after not having seen him all day and asking him if she did a good job. He seemed to think so, as he was staring at you both with a look that Veronica could not pin point. Once you were planted in front of Joe, nervously awaiting his response, you started to panic, thinking he thought you looked terrible. In an effort to get him to say SOMETHING, you spun around on your heels, prompting the skirt of Veronica’s dress to spin lightly in their air, revealing your bare legs underneath. After Joe had still not said a word and was still gawking at you, you finally broke your silence with a question.

“Are you not happy with how I look? I actually thought this dress was beautiful and was so excited that it fit and matched the heels. I’m really sorry you don’t like it, Joey. I didn’t want to ruin your night.”

“…are you actually being serious with what you just said?”

“I mean, you aren’t saying anything, so I thought maybe you-you hated this…”

“Y/N, I truly do not think I have ever seen you wear a dress that matched you as well as it does and looked as miraculously stunning as it does. I mean, you always look good in everything that you wear, and you know that I prefer you when you’re as comfortable as you want to be. But, like, I-I’m honestly stunned. You look absolutely ravishing, babe, I- wow. I feel like I’m drooling, am I drooling?”

Joe always knew how to make you a giggling mess, but you appreciated his comments nonetheless. You gave him a swift and passionate kiss that ended with you both grinning ear to ear on each other’s lips. You then wrapped your arms loosely around his waist, and his around yours, his head resting on yours, peppering kisses to your hair while you turned and mouthed a “thank you, Ronnie” in hers and John’s general direction. They both simply smiled and you could not help but notice that Veronica has some of the same eye crinkles that John has, and it made your heart flutter. Joe eventually pulled you away to hold your hand and escort you over to the carpet where the rest of the main cast was about to make their grand entrance, and Joe did not want you to leave his side the whole walk. The members of Queen and their wives followed suit behind them. Throughout the walk on the carpet, you kept your mind occupied with thoughts about Veronica and John’s relationship. It fascinated you. Despite everything they went through in their personal lives dealing with the grandiosity of Queen, they still managed to have a simple, loving, domestic life that was still as passionate, full of care, and days where they still seem to be wearing honeymoon-tinted glasses. Their relationship started in a slightly similar manner, wherein John was in the middle of the start of a long-fledged career that was going to bring temptations. But no matter what, he remained faithful to his best friend. You glanced down at the ring on your left hand again, then looking at Joe with doe-eyes, who, despite being preoccupied with about one hundred cameras pointed his way, still managed to glance your way. He gave you a sweet smile that basically confirmed the question that was swimming around your mind in the back of the Deacon thoughts: will Joe and I be like them? And with that simple look, you knew that the answer was a solid yes. Meanwhile, a little further behind you and the cast, Veronica and John were actually having a conversation similar to what was going on in your head.

“Ronnie, honey. I can’t help but notice something about Joe and his fiancé.”

“What’s that deary?”

“With Y/N wearing your dress, and Joe in that particular suit, I can’t help but realize that they are ironically similar to us, both in their actual personalities and their looks. Like from back in the day. I have to make it a point to ask Joe that I would be honored if their first dance as a married couple was to ‘You’re My Best Friend.’ They embody that song more than any couple I have ever met, and I mean, it just seems appropriate, y’know?”

“I couldn’t agree more, Johnny.”

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