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softhairedhotch · 5 months

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no, thank YOUUUU <3333 and it's okay HEHE remember to take it easy!!! 🫶 i can tell u for sure i will be here ready to absorb and consume n love anything that u create <3333 ive already read ur new fic Too Many Times . it struck sooo many chords like . I WOULD REALLY DO ALL THAT 😭😭 n ya fr there's too many good ideas out there to explore n there's only so much you can do at One moment. i personally have this long standing problem of starting sooo many things that i cannot finish bc i'm a master procastinator... so the only way i function is with looming deadlines ☠️ wish i was getting paid to just sit down n think about aaron bc man... i'd be a millionaire by now 🗿

TEHEEHHEE OMGGG PLEASEEE PHONE SEX . another big weakness of mine . idk how many times ive said smth is my weakness BUT like there's just some tropes that NEVER GETS OLD ... also sometimes i focus so much on aaron n how he makes you feel that i don't think about how HE would be so affected by everything about you GOSSHHHHHH please . like you're captivated by him but he's literally also soooo smitten and down bad for you to that he has to fight his urges to just give into anything that u want 😭😭 but unfortunately he can't always magically teleport to wherever you are so he just talks you through it and gives you such clear instructions BRRRR IMAGINE IF HE USES HIS WORK VOICE BC HE WANTS YOU TO LISTEN TO HIM EXACTLY STEP BY STEP . like my god i can't believe how i can giggle n kick my feet whenever cm has a scene of aaron giving instructions n delegating work to the team... like it's just so hot . n when he shows off his intelligence WOWOWWEEWW major turn on . n wooooof.

AND??!?$$;&; him sending pictures of himself 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 🧎‍♂️🧎‍♂️🧎‍♂️🧎‍♂️🧎‍♂️ also i love the idea of aaron being away from u but being soo pent up that he takes the initiative to surprise you with a special video of him jerking off or using a toy <333 and u BET he knows to send it with sound so you can hear all the sounds he's making <333 bc what is nut videos without SOUND 😤😤😤

omg.. i luv daddy kinks BRRRR n sometimes it just especially HITS SO HARD . like omfg got me actively looking for those daddy asmr porn audios 😭😭😭😵‍💫😵‍💫 sometimes it takes awhile to find a good one but when i strike gold... Wow . GODDD i know aaron would say such filthy things that are downright insulting n degrading... BUT HE DOES IT IN THE SOFT AFFECTIONATE VOICE sparkled with some praises... AGRGRHRHHH .

omg REALLLL he's SOOO the type to make you say what you want directly in words. he isn't going to budge if you're just whining n hoping he'd take the hint bc he himself also loves to hear such filthy things come out of your mouth <3333 "you know daddy really loves to give you whatever you want... but not if you don't use your words. come on, does your pretty little mouth only function as daddy's cocksleeve?" HARGRHRHEHEJE i am Dead . n STOPPPP ENCOURAGING MEEEE ure gna make the can of worms EXPLODE ABOUT ALL THE FILTHY THOUGHTS ABT AARON'S CUM PLSSSS (not actually complaining ! i am Egged)

also omg... TEEHEE... i will tell u more abt my lovely male oc soon!!!! omfg im SO EXCITED . bc i literally have never talked about it to anyone even though i've thought abt it in such detail LMFAOOOO its just hard out there to find someone who shares the same brain ... damn 😭 i'm really glad i happened to stumble across ur page n decided to send an ask <333 bc i rly enjoy talking to u too!!!!! <3

-🤲

you're so sweet bless <3 hehe i'm glad you liked my new fic!! and YEAH I GETCHA omg that used to be me, like i couldn't do stuff without deadlines, AND NOW I CAN'T EVEN DO THINGS WITH DEADLINES LMAO. sometimes i can, but if i set it myself then you best believe it ain't getting done. i procrastinate sooooo much it's painful. like i could sit here and write for most of the day because rn i currently do NOTHING ELSE in my life (rip, i'm working on it lol) but do i??? no!! i mean that's just a lot of effort innit lol, writing constantly sounds exhausting even tho it's all i wanna do

phone sex my beloved <3 and awwww yeahhh he'd be sooo so so in love with you and he'd wanna do anything and everything you ask :') but GOD YEAH him using his work voice?? all stern and professional and demanding?? goddd i need that so bad. and YESSS when he shows of his intelligence it's soooo hot, like that one scene where he does the maths and penelope goes "is this reid?" and he goes "what, you impressed?" YES I AM BABE I LOVE YOU SM

i loooooove the idea of his sending pics <333 that's why i love looking at nsfw stuff sm bc sometimes i strike GOLDDDDD and its like the most aaron pic ever and it makes me lose my mind. once i found one that was so him i fully forgot to breathe and was blushing like mad (this one i think!). it was... a lot LMFAO. but god god GOD him sending a video of him jerking off when on a case??? i need that soooo so so much. and yes FR there needs to be sound in nut videos. once was sent one from a guy WITHOUT SOUND like babe? dude? what are you doing? where's the fun in that? i mean it was hot don't get me wrong but i was like "buddy wheres the sound at 🤨" LMAOOO

YESS I KNEW YOU WOULD BE INTO DADDY KINKS LMFAOOOO. and omg real, they're sometimes so good and for what. or any video of someone with daddy vibes,, godddddd sometimes it just HITS FR. YESS HIS VOICE WOULD BE SO SWEET AND GENLTE AND LOVING BUT ALSO DOMINATING AND THE STUFF THAT COMES OUT OF HIS MOUTH IS SOOOO FILTHY N HOT

yessssssss he'd looove to hear you say what you need. "come on, little one, let daddy know what you want, hm? i need to hear you say how much you want my cock" and "you want me to ride you, sweetheart? want daddy to ride you until you can't cum anymore? hm? let me hear you say those words, baby, i need to hear you say it."

and yayyy i'm so excited to hear about your oc!! i can't WAIT it's gonna be soooo good i just kNOW IT. i'm also really glad you stumbled across my page too <33 thanks for sending me all these asks!!!!

#🤲 anon #casks #casper's anons #aaron hotchner #aaron hotchner x reader

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genderkoolaid · 1 year

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hey it is super cool if u don't wanna answer this bc it's a lil explicit but. i am Struggling. i want to get phallo. very much so. but i can't imagine being satisfied with phallo unless i can ejaculate. and afaik that's not possible rn, and my bottom dysphoria is really bad, and i just. advice? i don't have any issues w current phallo results besides the ejaculation thing, and i'm seriously thinking abt just going tor it but i think having an orgasm with a penis and not being able to ejaculate will make *orgasming* dysphoria-inducing for me and. well. that's not ideal. esp after what T did to my sex drive.

I think it comes down to whether or not you feel that the benefits of getting phallo would outweigh the negatives. If that potential dysphoria from orgasming feels like it would be too much for the potential euphoria/relief to balance out, then it makes sense to not get it.

I have similar dysphoria and personally, I have found that working through internalized transandrophobia related to bottom surgery, and body positivity/neutrality in relation to penises in general, has helped me a lot in accepting the limitations of phallo and not fearing potential dysphoria (or potential non-ideal sensation) a lot. I don't want to tell you "just read some stuff and you will stop wanting a natal dick", but if you really want phallo and its just this stopping you, this could be useful to try.

First of all, keeping in mind that natal penises are extremely diverse in ability has been very helpful for me. There are natal penises that also cannot ejaculate; it in no way means that phallo penises are less than natal penises. It's just how some penises work. A lot of cis men deal with the same feelings that trans men getting phallo do. There's a lot of pressure put on people who want phallo for theirs to be perfect, otherwise its proof that phallo is bad and ugly and pointless and a mistake. So phallo penises looking "off" or not getting hard naturally or not ejaculating can feel even worse because of that internalized fear that phallo dicks will always be inferior and a mistake. But phallo doesn't need to be perfect; neither do natal dicks. Getting phallo should be about making yourself happy and fulfilled, not ticking the right boxes on How Penises Need To Work To Be Valid.

I accept that it's something I'll probably always want. But I also think about how happy it would make me, and how many other people with penises still live their lives and are happy and fulfilled while also having a penis that doesn't function perfectly. Its not some scary, ominous struggle, its just a thing a lot of people deal with, and a lot of people still find happiness with. If you can learn to accept that desire and that pain, there's a lot of people who still have a lot of good sex and are happy with their bodies despite not being able to ejaculate. I can imagine myself being one of them, and that idea feels better than my current reality. So I feel that, despite the limitations that are disappointing, its worth it for me. If some really cool advancements are made in my lifetime that I can get, that's awesome! And if not, I'll still be happy with what I'm able to get.

I don't know if this will help you, anon, but I wish you the best. I know it's genuinely hard deciding what's right for you, and it sucks that phalloplasty is still stigmatized and ignored. I hope that, whatever you end up doing with your body, you are happy.

#m.#ask box

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magnoliamyrrh · 11 months

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unironically psychadelics make you understand human suffering and hell like nothing else probably. someone asked me what my views on hell are long ago and sometime ill get around to actually writing it out but

only things that ive ever heard, over and over again, people say (at very high doses and done in.... much less than adequate circumstances. like... Very high) that they were literally taken to hell and tortured in ways undecribable for what felt like an infinite timeless eternal amount of time and experienced shit thatd give anyone ptsd for like a millennium and saw and felt shit so crazy it may as well have been eldrich horror. and then theyre like. but im thankful for it tho :) changed me for the better it needed to happen :) i understand myself and the pain i carry within myself like never before it wasn't the drug it was just the fear and pain i needed to face and accept and get over :) and at the end i saw that everything is one and everything is love :) took me years to integrate the experience but dont regret it :)

there will always be painful parts of psychadelics - much like life. you have to know hell to know heaven, only the tree with the deepest roots can streth up to the sky. at some point, you cannot keep repressing just to function forever - it breaks down. and yet. no matter how insanely painful and terrifying it got for me,,,, it was never to the levels that ive heard from others (bc.. uh yea no way im taking that much of anything, i dont feel the need to know what happens if i get fully trapped in the darkest pits of my subconscious quite yet). and yet still, not in all cases but in so many, people pull through and come to this same conclusion

..... and for me personally... not only made me come to terms and be able to live with the batshit and literally torturous mind-breaking childhood trauma (having trauma issues sober is never... lmao never quite the same after you've stared that shit right in the face during trips), helped me start letting go of it progressively, but made me be able to wrap my mind around the.... understandably hard concept of believing in god, and eternal love and peace and etc, after growing up with something like that

#like yea #hell exists and so does purgatory and im certain of it #and its said its eternal because. if youve ever done high doses. you understand exactly what eternal feels like #doesnt mean you cant get out of it though #just have to learn how

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bonesandthebees · 9 months

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Once they get back to the door to the bar, Wilbur needs to put his blindfold back on so he doesn’t curse anyone else. We once again get to see how affected he is by cursing Tommy because he straight up doesn’t respond and Tommy has to do it for him (Tommy is once again the one who pushes himself to function, but I’ll get to that).

Side note: Despite being a non-believer, Quackity still curses using Clara, which is fair because it’s copied from his environment. I’m not religious, but I often find myself saying oh my God.

Second side note because I just went back to check the narration: it goes Pythia -> takes of blindfold = he/him -> Tommy gets grabbed -> [Tommy was in danger. / So Wilbur looked back.] and then it stays Wilbur until the end of the chapter (I think).

Anyway, while defending the stairs, Wilbur doesn’t just feel guilty, no, he’s already angry about it not being fair. (well, it says frustrated but we’ll get to that anger) We also get that anger at himself and the idea that he failed because he couldn’t stop the vision.

I’m pretty sure that’s the main reason for his guilt. Of course, he feels guilty for turning around and looking at Tommy, thereby cursing him (as a lot of people have pointed out to be a reference to that one Greek myth, which I cannot, for the life of me, spell.)

And that guilt and frustration which leads Wilbur to be angry at himself, also leads him to believe that other people should be angry at him too. He expects their anger because he believes he should have been able to avoid cursing Tommy since it’s his eyes that curse people and he got the vision as a warning (and it’s probably been drilled into him that it’s his responsibility, and therefore fault, if someone gets cursed).

Or in summary: [“Tommy, I’ve killed you. You’re going to die before you’re supposed to because I fucked up. You have every right to scream and shout at me and call me every cruel name you can think of, so why the fuck aren’t you doing that?”] Pretty much sums up how Wilbur feels about the whole situation.

(2/?)

-🌲

yeah again he literally can't function right then because his brain is just gone. tommy has to put the blindfold on for him, which has some painful irony given what just happened

lol yeah quackity just says it because that's common cursing dialect. although it's far less common, some people (as in non-deathlings) still say death below too because it's been an expression for centuries, that's not just gonna go away bc the worship got banned

yeah that's pretty much the narration order! as soon as tommy saw his eyes, I wanted it to switch to wilbur and stay there for the rest of the chapter, so everything was kind of leading up to that

the start of his anger is there yes :)

yuppp the greek myth of orpheus and eurydice. cursing someone you love to death because you couldn't help but look back to make sure they were okay. that's the guilt wilbur has to live with now.

it's definitely drilled into him that it's his responsibility if someone gets cursed. it's a curse after all. not just for the person inflicted, but for the bearer as well.

yup that's it in a nutshell

#ask #spruce anon #through a glass divine #glass ch 22

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birdofmay · 1 year

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hi i hope you r doing well I hope it’s ok to ask but i don’t know what support need/level I fit into could u help give any advice/insight?. I read over everything in your pinned but I’m still stuck bc I’m worried to label myself wrongly. can u help at all? I am open to any thoughts u have.. can u relate to my experience at all as a higher support autistic?

I feel like my sensory issue are severe and interfere w my ability to wear most clothes and just daily life stuff, I feel very overwhelmed and broken by change, struggle so much with driving that it’s dangerous, can struggle to process things and do it slowly, I am verbal but have loss episodes and in general barely talk bc social/communication issues,

very difficult to maintain and make relationships, I don’t know if I mask or not bc I feel like even if I were to try to I still seem autistic and mess it up despite some people telling they think I’m high functioning(but then turn around and tell me I’m r slur bc of my autism behaviors), I struggle with hygiene and eating drinking bc I don’t feel the cues or bc of executive dysfunction pain fatigue or sensory issues,

I have motor/pain/muscular issues (mobility worsening and affecting my ability to do things like go up stairs and walk) and I do occupational therapy and it does cause me to not be able to do certain things myself like wash/do my hair and Its a struggle to shower my body too, cannot exercise either bc of POTS

I can go in public but I do it with people bc the surroundings seem overwhelming, I do not have a job currently and I know it would be so hard on me but I am going to college and eventually will be forced to get one, struggle to use utensils to eat and struggle with tasks/instructions when not done right in front of me 1on1 like a million times, I have a lot of stims and a lot of harmful to myself ones, often info dumping about special interest

I can’t handle/fully understand money/taxes/bills, it’s hard for me to prepare meals, struggle to eat much bc of GI issues and jaw fatigue, do laundry, and manage chores, and manage medications, extreme issue with organization, learning disabled, get overwhelmed/meltdown/shutdown very easily

I’m not sure what else to add to take into consideration (can u give ideas) or how to tell which level and support need this fits as .. like I guess I’m not low support bc I do need help with BADLS as I mentioned but I I don’t know if it’s wrong of me to say I’m high support or medium support or a flux of both?.. and have no idea with “levels” I was dx with a level but feel like it’s incorrect .. and based on what I said which BADLS and IADLS do I need help with and how many is that? It’s confusing :(

Here's the relevant section of my FAQ post

"I don't know what support needs I'd be considered!"

Do you have care needs? No? Then you're not high support needs, you're most likely low or low-to-mid support needs.

My country re-assesses my support needs regularly; if you're medium or high support needs and weren't medically neglected your whole life, you'd normally know that you're medium or high support needs already, because that's tested (if you're not sure, check the documents). But testing is different from country to country.

Unless, of course, something happened recently that you now suddenly need a lot of help, definitely more than before. In this case there likely wasn't any testing yet. But in that case I can't help you either, because I don't test you.

Note because this still is a common misunderstanding: The DSM-5 says for example "Autism level 1: Requires support", but the support that's meant there has nothing to do with the support needs we're talking about in this and in the linked post. It's a little unfortunate that both say "support" because people always think it's the same when it really really isn't ☝🏼

I feel like you're mixing up autism levels and support needs still, because the first part of what you wrote (sensory issues, social stuff) is relevant for your level, but not for a support needs/care level assessment.

Maybe read the linked post and the support needs post (linked within the linked post) again but pay attention to the "Who determines if you're low, medium or high support needs (if you have support needs)?" post this time 🤔

Autism levels are given to you by professionals and not to be "guessed" - that's why I don't know what level I'd be considered (we don't have levels), and don't even further think about what level I'd be because I simply don't have a level. You can disagree with the level of course, but when talking about levels you then don't say "I'm level [guessed level]", but "I was diagnosed level [diagnosed level] but think I'm actually higher/lower".

Same goes for support needs. Not "I'm [guessed support needs]" but "I'm [assessed support needs]" or "I think I'm somewhat [guessed support needs]".

It's not a handy personality test self-categorization thing. It's something that's tested. By professionals. Only.

#anon ask #long post

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demiesworld · 10 months

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change of plan instead of going to the ER mama (me im mama i call myself mama) went to the urgent care bc it costs less money to be seen but i wont get the treatment that i want there. so i went, they asked me of my symptoms and concerns. i explained to them what i was worried about and my next doctors visit with my new provider will be the first week of august. in short they couldnt really do much besides from just letting me do a urine test to see if i have an infection and also another test that i cannot... say... it's kinda gross and invasive. BUT YEAH TESTSSSS NIIIICE. so after i get the results on that i guess i gotta sit around and wait.

im currently experiencing temporarily relief from any pain after going to the restroom, but even then i still wanna make sure my kidney function is doing ok. so i wanna say im sorry for not posting as much guys, im really trying my best to keep up to date with requests and things.

#demies rambles

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cable-knit-sweater · 2 years

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by the time you read this, you would have probably checked your DMs and saw my direct personal attack and you're probably a little disoriented by it so i'm dropping by here to ease that pain and come wish you a glorious Wednesday!

C'est le jour J, ma chère amie!

You're gonna see the stach man! Hey! You're gonna see the stach man! Ho! You're gonna see the stach man! HURRAH!

please consider taking a bottle of water with you to the theater for you WILL get thirsty from all the breaths you're gonna be holding. refrain from snacking, your stomach will probably NOT function right with all the jitters you will be having since the second you open your eyes, but like do eat (yes yes yes ik i'm the mom friend it has been established). if you're going with someone, don't forget to alert them to the sudden physical pain they may feel in their arms or hands if they're sitting right beside you. wear a tasty lipstick cause you WILL be biting your lips too much to hold back all the screams. and obviously, HAVE A DAMN WONDERFUL TIME, MY DEAR! <3333

Oh my god Oula that WAS a personal attack in my DMs and I have screamed about it there in a way that was definitely warranted bc WHAT THE FUCK, does he call these things “t-shirts”? Because I’m calling them painted on personal attacks. Jesus. 😤😤😤

And OH MY GOD just like, 12 hours until I get to see it!! I’m soooo freaking excited, and I’d say “and you don’t understand”, but I know fully well that you DO understand 😭😭

Thank you soooo much for all the amazing tips, I should bring like a 2L bottle of water and even then I’m sure it won’t be enough. No popcorn for me I guess because you do make some very valid points! Always making sure I’m taking care of myself, you’re such a sweetheart 😂🥺💛💛

I’m going alone and I think it’s better that way because I cannot be held responsible for whatever violent response I’m gonna have to seeing the ‘stache man in action on a big screen. So don’t worry about me crushing anyones hands. I do hope there’s no one sitting too close to me bc I’m pretty sure there’s gonna be some flailing and I wouldn’t want to accidentally hit or kick anyone in the face. It’s gonna be hard enough to keep those screams in already 😫😭 But at least I know that right after I get out of the theater I can come scream at you on here, albeit probably very incoherently. Probably just… agafafsgwhsbsbgsgsgsgsbshgsgshwb or something like that?

Thank you sooo much for this lovely bubba, this put the biggest smile on my face, you’re literally an angel 💛💛

#maya answers #people are so nice???#💛💛💛💛

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nini-and-her-heart · 9 months

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d, you've been my friend for years. you knew about my past when u met me. this is why this hurts more than it should. because i trusted that you'd be better, smarter, and kinder than them. but now i am heavily debating if that is true. u knew of my past about being used, discarded, and replaced as if i am nothing. and yet, you did the exact same thing. the d that i knew would be the first one to tell me how much of a jerk the other guy was. and now, in this case, u are that 'other guy'. u got what u wanted from me and then u dipped the moment someone better came along. i know better than anyone how the world is inherently unfair. but i still can't stop beating myself up about it. bc how is that fair, d? how is it fair that i couldn't move on from what i've had w u but u are ready to move on to someone new it's because everything was one-sided, wasn't it? u didn't feel for me the way that i felt for u. and knowing u, you would be too prideful to admit that u messed up. bc u are obsessed ab being the good guy that u actually forget how to be a good guy. answer me this: u decided to go out w someone new to put a hard stop on whatever the 'thing' we had because u cannot control your urges around me thus u can't be a normal friend to me. but like, why can't u just control your urges AND also not insult and hurt me by dating someone new when u know i am still not over u? so it's either

a) u are using this new girl as a rebound or b) u never felt the same way as i did and u only pretended u did so that u could get sexual stuff w me either way, both are messed up but u wouldn't admit to that bc that would make u a 'bad guy' and u know what the crazy thing is? i would've forgiven u no matter what because i would put our friendship above everything BUT ONLY IF u at least have the decency to give me the truth! i cannot move on because i feel like i don't deserve the truth! u know how much it means to be to be told the truth no matter how painful it is because that is better than being lied to. sure, u might think that u were honest w me by admitting that u are going out w someone but that is not the entire truth. i needed the ENTIRE TRUTH. i need to hear it from u so that for once, i have liked someone who doesn't lie to me. i thought u were better, d. the d that i knew from 2016-2022 would be calling out the d that i talked to awhile ago. but u couldn't do it. bc u know that would be admitting that u really never felt the same way for me. and that makes me feel like crap. that makes me feel even more unloveable and easily replaceable. i already felt that about me based on everyone's behavior towards me. i didn't need u to add on it further. ... and now what? i cannot be your friend like this because it hurts. but i also cannot lose u. i can't take another loss this year. i have lost so much already. do u remember that period where we removed each other on every platform and we weren't speaking? i don't want to have to go through that again. you mean so much to me even w/o the romance and the intimacy. but i feel like i am left w no choice bc everything that reminds me of u hurts like a motherf*cker. i keep getting images of u w her and it makes me sick to the stomach. i wanna cry. i wanna throw up. i couldn't eat, sleep, or even function. i don't wanna leave my bed bc being covered in a blanket is the safest place i feel like i have. everything around me feels like it can hurt me because it feels like u cut me open. AND IT HURTS THAT IT FEELS LIKE U DON'T CARE. bc u can go around and be normal while this is happening to me. again, the world is unfair and nobody and nothing owes me shit. but come on. do i not mean anything to u? if not as a potential lover, maybe even just as a friend? as someone who's been w u for many years? someone who listened to u vent ab your family, friends, work, and other things? do i not deserve time to grieve for u before u hit me in the face w the reality that our lives are just completely different? i need answers but i feel like i'm just in denial bc i already know the answer i just refuse to believe it bc i want u to say it to me yourself. i deserve that. i hate the fact that the only person that can help me and comfort me rn is the same person who inflicted this pain to me. oh, and that's another thing! the last time we talked prior to today, u were giving me comforting words like, "u are a strong girl, u got this!" as if u didn't put me in this place to begin with! what the heck was that about? i don't know what i'm supposed to do. i haven't stopped crying for days now. i should be better at this but why does it feel this specific one is something that would wound me forever? i need YOU. i need you as my friend. i have other stuff i'm dealing w on top of our problem but i can't come to u about it because it hurts. i want what's best for u and what would make u happy. i want u to get everything you've ever dreamed of. as your friend. .. but i'm sorry if i cannot help but feel bitter about it. u made me feel like liking u was one of the best choices i've ever done when it comes to picking guys. but why does it feel like i still made the same old mistake no matter how much thinking and work i've done about this? why?

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hopskipandarump · 1 year

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love that i have it all over my records that im physically disabled and cannot work any kind of "normal" job at all

i cant sit at a pc all day most days and need to lie down in bed multiple times, some days i cant even get to my pc at all, sometimes i get migraines looking at screens that take half a day to fuck off, wrist pain has nuked my ability to draw and also makes me unable to use a kb + m, sometimes i just lose the function in a limb, i have severe issues socialising, i have dyscalculia, i have autism, i have problems with processing and understanding audio and speech (ESPECIALLY with heavy accents)

so what

the

fuck

job

would i even be able to do

and on top of that the lady on the phone was adamant that this place that "supports people with adaptions to help them work" would magically make all of this shit go away but like

look at that list up there

of things i cant do

and tell me what in the entire fuck is a chair gonna do

but if i dont do their shit about working and finding a job or they decide im not trying hard enough they can and will gladly stop giving me money which means i wouldnt be able to even afford my rent every month, let alone bills and food, but theres literally 0 chance of me moving back in with my parents because i would - and i mean this with 100% sincerity - fucking off myself after a few months or something because living with my parents and my sister destroys my mental health super fast bcs i need solitude, actual legitimate "i rarely hear other humans" solitutde

so yeah anyway i had a breakdown and now im eating mozzarella sticks

#rumprabbiting #i have raid today too man this is gonna suck

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marebear-and-her-digidiary · 2 years

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June 2022 Goals Update

2022 Goals

-Read about 12 books by year's end- 3/12 complete!! book #4, about 50 pages in.

-Finish Atelier Rorona- ✅

-Graduate driving school- not done much this past month tbh, motivation is lacking lol

-Cosplay Miyuki-✅- I have done 5 cosplays this year- persona 5 swim cosplay coming sometime this summer! I'm not feeling doing revealing cosplay until my self confidence is higher lol

-Get my G2-no

-Change my last name- ✅

-Get caught up with Endwalker content- Finished Shadowbringers base game, need to do patches to EW-no

-Stay on top of weekly workout/daily stretch- tts has been incredibly bad this past month, currently looking into a cane lmao I've been trying to at least do two workouts a week, my hubby has been insanely supportive and has been working out on his own, he's been definitely inspiring me to work on myself

-Paint(wallpaper)the bathroom- ✅- mirror trim didn't work out- MIL suggested an idea that I really like so I'm gonna go on an adventure to get supplies!

-Finish quilt project-Row 7/13 is complete

-Get craft room in functionable order- ✅

-Buy Christian his new PC- we gonna try

-Play Deadspace Remake- ✅ release in 2023

-Finish 2 model kits by year's end- DONE ✅

-Stay on top of tattooing practice (and don't doubt my abilities!!)-✅

June Highlights:

-got new plants

-got a pet garden snail named clover but unfortunately he didn't survive longer than two weeks :"( he arrived on my hibiscus pot so I took him off and raised him indoors

-pierced my own earlobes, healing wonderfully! I cannot wait until I can wear other earrings, my mom had the same metal allergies as I do so the jewelry I inherited is all safe for me to use 😎

-cut my own bangs again and they SHORT, some lovely ladies can pull off baby bangs but my fivehead and low brows cannot pull it off

-finished star ocean 2 with my boy and it's very fun,had a bit of a hard time following bc it's all new to me but I wanna do another couple playthroughs, also snagged a SO2 strategy guide for a super early Christmas for Christian (plus another so2 doot but I don't say incase he reads huhuhu)

-reorganized the living room to make it much more roomy and I no longer feel as claustrophobic surrounded by our shit lol

-currently falling down the Ringu movie series rabbit hole and I love it. The Ring series is so important to me lol I spent so much of my childhood invested in horror but then moved away from it in my teens because I wasn't trying to be myself lol I'm really trying my best to go back to the things I love or were tainted by trauma and it's given me so much strength and motivation

In summary, June was not very eventful, just trying to live my life in the most simple of ways, lol. I'm really bummed out that I haven't been able to go on long walks or do anything that requires me to stand for longer than an hour. Once I get a cane, I'll be able to not be scared to go out on my own. Sometimes when I'm walking, my TTS acts up and I am frozen in place because I can't put pressure on my foot and ankle because it's so uncomfortable and painful. I can have support with my cane to help me hop along home 😂 This summer, I am determined for us to go strawberry picking. Also this summer, I'm going to do my best to heal up as I need it and not push myself too hard.

Thanks for reading about my boring life as a Canadian homemaker and feel free to tune in for July’s shennanigans.

#marebear 2022

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vermillioncrown · 3 years

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thoughts on reverse transmigration with dbd characters?

many thoughts.

usually the love interest is reverse-transmigrated so... who?

what age are you bringing these people over?

is zyx going back to their modern first life? or do they know zyx but this life's zyx doesn't know them?

is this crack or is this semi-serious?

are they coming full-on 'i got lost from dragon con' or 'i'm a classmate that woke up with a whole 'nother life that i just remembered'?

if there is any iteration that modern-day zyx has to house more than one motherfucker. ANon. my guy. good, dear anon

why? zyx (i) is a poor grad student, floating above poverty line but one incident away from eating shit at all times. zyx (i) could ask their parents to help but what the fuck no they'd kill me

how do you even begin explaining anything

modern-day zyx (okay it's fucking me) i am beholden to so many people, that if even one fucking dude shows up i will have to explain myself to a minimum of eight people within three hours of the transmigrator making contact.

there's no room in my apartment. even pre-quarantine, it's a tight 3.5 people (3 + cat + friend who really really liked roommate #2 and basically lived w us) and only 1.5 bathrooms.

i'm gonna have to feed them. i love feeding people but on my terms and on my schedule only

the main inside joke of that time, between my friends, was '____ okay, then; pay rent'. how are they gonna pay rent???

if you're making zyx transfer back to their life after going through even a bit of their second life, congrats that's it you broke 'em. no longer a functional being.

(y'know, i always held a morbid curiosity of what happens after to the teens that become heroes; when they finish the hero's journey and need to come back to society. it must feel like living in a parallel dimension, like a ghost.)

also you're bringing the new love interest transmigrator along. into a place where i already have emotional ties, a partner, and a life we're building. like those romcom films where old quirky love interest breaks up long-time couple, it sucks for the collateral.

transmigrator lover-boy/girl, even if zyx has gotten as far as getting together with them in xianxia hell, if zyx wants to keep their mind intact: no more love.

the only way this won't be painful is if dbd zyx doesn't come over, but transmigrator does. they need to find the zyx equivalent and survive/whatever quest for a duration before they can return.

upon meeting zyx irl, zyx receives untraceable bank transfers that cover boarding this mf. they need to convince zyx (and her bf, and her roommates, and her friends, and her cat) to let them stay.

(dude, what the hell i'm fucking almost 30 i don't want to deal with no fucking teenybopper i got shit to do)

(i cannot imagine a dbd character around my age transmigrating that's happy, unless it's post-dbd if dbd isn't too bittersweet; thus i keep imagining teen/young adult transmigrator(s))

(or dbd zyx co-piloting modern zyx body to help, and will eventually leave)

OH FUCK THE LANGUAGE BARRIER

bro. 我的普通话很普通 okay??? even worse than that.

we'd be google translating shit this whole fucking time

is this a reverse-transmigration where mdzs will exist for them to see? that's ultra-messy. vetoed.

pre-quarantine i was at the lab for most of the day... and still taking classes. they can't tag along for work bc it's personnel-controlled based on clearance, and i can't protect them from being called on in a grad-level lecture. where do i put them??? Do they play video games at home?

do i have to work from home earlier than 2020?

you know, the easiest person to put up with is mianmian. and/or wen qing.

they'll really cut into my gym time

(in a very far-off extra post-possible-wangxian-ot3, this is a temporary scenario via the dream incense.

you know how the first incense extra was about lwj opening up to wwx, humanizing him, assuaging his deepest desires/worst fears?)

Her nose wrinkles and expression turns disdainful, as it always does when something was perceived odious. The scent?

Wei Ying discreetly sniffs the incense burner. Perhaps due to it not being the customary sandalwood they both have grown used to, within the Jingshi?

Zhu Lin is oddly sensitive to things as such.

"Unfortunately, this one has some records to peruse," she said, grabbing Lan Zhan's zhongyi and waiyi to quickly cover up and head towards the library. No one would bother stopping either of Hanguang-Jun's special guests. "Enjoy the night," she adds, fingers dance across Wei Ying's jaw, an appreciative stare over Lan Zhan's form and a small uptick of the mouth, before leaving.

Still so modest, Wei Ying smiles and briefly holds where she touched, who could have imagined? He turns his attention from the door to Lan Zhan, whose eyes' gleam intensify with the light of the rising moon. Wei Ying sets the incense burner down and saunters over to his half-dressed lover, letting his red hair ribbon fall like a caress down his body.

Despite their third being absent, it does not preclude the remaining pair from activities.

When they wake, it is to discover that they fell asleep between further disrobing and settling on the bed while kissing. There is nothing to lament - both Wei Ying and Lan Zhan were thoroughly undone within their shared dream, satisfied in all ways. It is a first that both he and Lan Zhan awaken at the same time - at the hour of compromise between their usual habits.

Lan Zhan's eyes blink, and Wei Ying can see his mind rubbed raw and tender. He grabs his hands with reassurance, and Lan Zhan slowly tightens the grip in security and affection.

Zhu Lin is still reading her records in the library, annotating in another notebook simultaneously. She makes a noise of acknowledgment when Wei Ying announces that a late breakfast (or early lunch) will be in the Jingshi.

"Almost done," she mumbles, her speech turning casual in midst of concentration, "I will likely take a nap after. In a bit, A-Ying."

"Don't let it get cold, okay?"

"Mhhm." A glare at the book. "Fuckin - ..." her mumbles become incomprehensible.

Both he and Lan Zhan have appointments, and it is not until the sun is halfway to the horizon that they have an opportunity to check on Zhu Lin in the Jingshi.

She lays not on the bed, but on the floor in front of the table and curled under the borrowed robes of last night. Lunch has been picked clean. Lan Zhan hurries to their third's side, driven by the sight and the immensity of his sentiment.

"Ah, don't move her - you know she's comfortable there," Wei Ying laughs. He settles down next to her form, legs stretching out.

Lan Zhan sighs and pulls the thickest layer higher on Zhu Lin's shoulder. "I know." And then he freezes while looking around the room. "The incense burner -"

It was still burning. Rather, likely the disciple delivering their meal saw the incense reached its end, and decided to replace it.

What an opportunity! Wei Ying catches Lan Zhan's eyes, and their thoughts are as one, as always.

Wei Ying sees Lan Zhan before anything else. There is nothing else to see.

"As Zhu Lin has said, many years ago, 'those who tell tales usually have no actions to speak for them'," he starts with relish.

"Wei Ying," Lan Zhan admonishes without true reproach.

"Passion hides within the admired but secretive Zhu-gongzi," Wei Ying continues, "like my Lan-er-gege. Shall we wager to what depths?"

Lan Zhan does not respond, but Wei Ying can feel the heat radiating from him. His earlobes have flushed as though they were plucked until bruised. "She..."

The dreamscape materializes in front of them.

It... is an alien one. Gray, smooth expanse - stone-like yet shaped unlike stone. It paves the surrounding land. Neat buildings of wood and translucent glass sit before them, imposing in their regularity. Beyond that, the dreamscape is unformed.

No one is around, but it was the same with Wei Ying's dreams - until they found their counterparts.

A single door opens.

Lan Zhan turns a glance at him, and Wei Ying answers the silent question by following barely a step behind.

The inside of the building is no less puzzling. Dim from the curtains, but not derelict. Compact, packed, and Wei Ying can start to guess at the furnishings. Some of them, he amends, seeing an obsidian-black slab that reflects a warped image of the two in the entranceway.

"A dwelling," Lan Zhan says. "A residence."

"We barely saw Shuangfeng that discussion conference, didn't we?" Wei Ying thinks out loud. "And Zhu Lin has never mentioned her clan's estate."

They both mull it over, and while there is not an answer more probable -

It is a curious place. Still devoid of others as they wander its modest space. A room takes on an odd violet glow, and when they peek inside it is a room of porcelain and small potted plants.

A mirror, polished crystal and glass, shows their wide-eyed stares directed right back.

It starts to become unsettling. There is another landing in this dwelling, and they walk up the floors with woolen texture, hearing wood creak below. Another violet room, larger and a recessed basin - some sort of washroom, then.

Two doors stand closed on either side of them.

One door is locked, no matter how Wei Ying tries to coax it. The second one gives with a gentle push. It is a personal suite. Shadows dance from the sunlight streaming in.

"It's a bit cramped, isn't it?" Wei Ying comments, looking around.

"Workspace," Lan Zhan points out. "Not unlike Wei Ying's."

It holds truth. The room is packed with shelves along most of the walls, furnished densely. Bits of clothing draped for airing, bursting full wardrobes, and tables seated with strange black chairs that cannot be anything but workspaces. One table holds a plethora of little figurines, the details on them intricate and their coloring done so finely. Another obsidian-like slab on the table. Brushes more fine than the most delicate of calligraphy brushes, small pots of pigment haphazardly arranged.

The second table, which Wei Ying nearly missed but Lan Zhan inspects first, is covered with the same reflective slabs. Small ornaments litter the tiered surface of this table, all variety of implements and tools. The lower tier is stacked with papers precariously, impressive in their snow-white color and sharp, crisp forms. Upon them, there is writing and diagrams so esoteric that Wei Ying cannot begin to guess at their contents.

"... looks familiar, despite -" Lan Zhan picks up one of the papers. "If this residence is Zhu Lin's, then this must be her work."

"So diligent!" He can see the same pattern with how her strokes linger and drag, but the emphasis is on utility and speed. "Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan - did you pick up more than naughty words from our Zhu Lin?"

"Ridiculous," Lan Zhan responds, but again there is no heat and the earlobes reveal all. He sets the paper back down neatly.

"She's always been like this, then?" Wei Ying laughs fondly.

They turn their attention to the final section of the room. An opaque canopy flutters from the window breeze, shielding whatever is behind it from view.

"Shall you? Or shall I?" Wei Ying drawls, his heart beating with anticipation. Likely, the fun will begin here.

Lan Zhan is no less eager than he, and reaches one hand to sweep aside the curtain.

A woman lies on the bed behind the curtains. Lan Zhan nearly flinches back from the immodest state of dress, and Wei Ying himself has to steady his breathing and hold the apology on his tongue.

Fabric so thin, wrapped around flesh so obscenely, even walking out with one's inner robes would be more polite. He averts his gaze. Short trousers, barely a loincloth at this point, cover this woman's lower half. Healthy in form, well-proportioned, skin the color of diluted honey.

She is alive. She breathes. She is part of the dream.

She is asleep. Her hair - long and unruly, vibrantly colored like everything else in this dreamscape, black blending to a flushed pink like blossoms on a branch - obscures her features. Slim hands, slender fingers tangle in the pink strands like another curtain pulled shut for privacy.

Wei Ying can make out the glint of precious metal on the one exposed ear, and near her mouth.

Through these observations, she continues to sleep, languid and curled like a large tiger.

"You two."

Wei Ying and Lan Zhan turn, the surprise of someone living in this almost-unmoving dream jolting them into awareness.

Zhu Lin stands before them, dressed in Lan Zhan's robes like last night. Wei Ying is about to call out a greeting, but -

Her expression is blank. No warmth, no sly smile. Eyes watchful, posture yielding the pretense of being casual while leaning against the doorframe.

He can feel Lan Zhan tense next to him. Lan Zhan has always been more perceptive of the nuances in Zhu Lin's moods.

"This one must ask you two to step away from that woman."

Because Lan Zhan's hold on his wrist grows taut, Wei Ying does not argue and moves with Lan Zhan.

Given space in the cramped room, Zhu Lin walks over towards the bed. The few steps she takes are measured, restrained, but in a way that Wei Ying cannot help thinking she wants nothing more than to dart over.

She reaches the bed. They cannot see her expression from behind, as she stares down at the woman for a while.

Finally, she pulls the curtains shut.

"... who is she?" Lan Zhan dares to ask in the heavy silence.

"Lan-er-gongzi, is it not obvious?" Zhu Lin turns around. Her face holds the terrible smile she only puts on when forced into a fight she must desperately win.

"That is me."

#zyx au's #mdzyx #RT au #on mrts #on dbd #Anonymous #inquiry #dbd what if #my defining trait is getting stressed about things that aren't even happening #i'm too practical for reverse-transmigration #you can go feed a bunch of teenagers on a shit salary and get back to me on that #if i had to house zhou le i'd be twisting that mf's ear #wait can i claim them as dependents for my tax refund???#enjoy the whatever this is #zyx will have to be dragged kicking and screaming into being known

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kawaii-geek-chan · 2 years

Text

Disabled culture is having a Dr's appointment later this week with someone new and being so nervous bc you're using crutches.

Not because mobility aids are bad - on the contrary, they are WONDERFUL - but because you've had such bad experiences in the past with orthopedics who tell you that you don't deserve to use them, even if you're knees are horrendously unstable and it helps with the pain of standing/walking.

New doctor who I have never met + previous medical trauma + generalized anxiety = upset man with a huge fear of trying.

My big sister is coming along to help me advocate for access to a wheelchair so I can actually leave my apartment for more than a five minute 'walk' without my pain getting so bad it makes me sick. But I'm still so fucking scared bc I don't know this dude. I don't know this office. I don't know the nurses or location. I'm too disabled to function but not disabled enough to be taken seriously bc of my age.

I hate this. I hate that I'm nervous. I hate that I'm hopeful. I hate that this is the hand of cards I was dealt and nobody seems to hear me when I ask for help beyond my friends and family. I hate this.

But I'm going to do it.

Because every bad response hurts, but it brings me closer to an answer, to the help I need.

Sometimes being disabled is an obstacle course, run in the dark with only your touch to guide you. But there's an end. You will find the end. You will find your prize. You will win this fight with tlexternal factors. You just have to hang on, even if it feels like you're clinging to a branch in a hurricane.

Other people don't experience this. Other people cannot fathom it. We are at war, and able bodied people do not know. We are warriors, and we will not stop. We cannot stop.

And I'm proud of myself, my derelict body, and all my fellow struggling siblings who fight this same battle. We are stronger than they will ever know.

#disability #rant post #bone deformities #cripple punk #mobility aids #wheelchair #crutches #physically disabled #mentally disabled #We Will Not Go Down #sorry I just had to hype myself for this shitshow

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relaxxattack · 3 years

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on the torture thing i know it was a while ago but. i feel like downplaying the whole torture thing that happens in dsmp is so. hm. people will be like "think about all the pain c!whoever is going through!" but. you are defending torture. like c!tommy literally had a whole turnaround bc with c!techno he would torture ppl (also i wanna remind that c!connor got tortured canonically- he forgave c!tommy but he is still traumatized from it iirc. its more cemented in canon than c!fundys torture is, where the latter seems to be more that the yelling is canon but the torture was exaggeration and had no bearing on the plot, just one of the few times where a cc is messing around w their friends in a semi canon way) and as such tommy like. grew out of torturing ppl and Doesnt Want That To Happen Ever. tommy torturing others was resolved and he decided not to do so because its immoral.

and then theres the other three torturers. c!sam, c!quackity, and c!dream. obviously c!dream is just completely in the wrong. theres no debate to be had there. c!sam was completely in the wrong as well, also no debate, he cut off his (at the time i think freshly exes iirc?) boyfriend's arm and tortured him and took his first life over worthless things- yes while spiraling but mental health deteriorating is a reason, not an excuse. spiraling does not justify irrational torture of a loved one. people who gloss over this moment, or hell, even praise c!sam for it are.. uncomfortable to be around at best. especially if excessive (and there are people who praise him for it and not in a "c!sam is an interesting and complex character" way but in a "he was in the right" and even girlboss comments kind of. are icky here. [also not to bring race but hm as a poc maybe the fandom could stand not to romanticize the torture of a poc by a character played by a white man. i dont blame cc!sam, not at all, and i think it fits in the story and is not something to criticize the creator for. but please god fandom be normal towards c!ponk. treat him as a person who was hurt by c!sam not just someome c!sam is still in love with after torturing and killing and amputating him. please. hes a person outside of that relationship.])

and then.. c!quackity. even more complicated than c!sam, really. but i still think its immoral to torture a prisoner who cant fight back, abuser or not. i genuinely think dream deserves to die over getting tortured, or at least just. left alone in prison. at most wait a while and then maybe make attempts at getting through to him and if they dont work let him be. but torture is immoral regardless of who you're doing it to and id argue that saying its okay takes away c!dream's humanity. c!dream is a terrible and disgusting person but to treat him as less than human (and i dont mean from like. a design point. nonhuman dreams fuck i mean this in a morality sense) feels.. off to me? like as an abuse victim treating an abuser as just some toy to fuck up is,, idk. it feels off. like im sorry to break it to the fandom but terrible people are still people and treating them as less than people because theyre terrible just doesnt work. it takes away how serious it is that people hurt each other and that the pain will stay. people die, killing c!dream, if anything, actively acknowledges that hes a person who can die like everyone else. torturing him does not. i dont care as much about like girlboss or w/e statements w c!quackity bc yeah hes doing somethin about an abuser but its a terrible solution and c!quackity is an immoral person for doing it, understandable motives or not. c!quackity is more sympathetic than c!sam and c!dream (and while not currently more sympathetic than c!tommy, their reasons for torture do differ and id say that c!quackity has a more sympathetic reason than c!tommy did) but hes still wrong for doing this.

like. idk. dsmp fandom learn how to realize that just because source is full of gray morality doesnt mean that you should start genuinely defending immoral actions just because they arent equal to real life. theres a difference between how dsmp government and pandoras vault just cannot be compared to irl government and prison because they dont function the same and how, in the roleplay, the fictional torture is like irl torture whether you like it or not. the way that the characters' mental illnesses and deteriorating mental health mirrors real life and the way that the abuse c!tommy and others go through mirrors real life is the way that the torture that characters who are canonically effected by it mirrors real life.

of course i could just be more pissy than i need to be but like. i also do not think its Super Serious. i just think that while people can joke around maybe theres some stuff that just shouldnt be treated as Not Serious and Definitely Justifiable just because its fiction. have fun if you want, make girlboss jokes and continue to enjoy the characters because theyre written amazingly and be lighthearted about it if you dont want to be super serious. no one can or will stop you. just. yknow. make sure you arent genuinely defending something horrible. dont be like the people who defend how c!tommy was and is treated just because he fucks up. c!tommy has done some fucked up shit but he doesnt deserve to be treated as less than human and that spreads to everyone in the story. sorry for the super big ramble i just think about this a lot idk - (the dsmp fandom is scary so im not revealing myself just yet. so like idk. im just gonna be 🎭🎪 anon for now)

anon you are so smart i really don’t have anything to add

#🎭🎪

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